#uni takes too much of my time life and mental health good thing i have only one year left

[vio-lenceee]

welp. sad news: my computer died on me this weekend. as well as my AC

distracting myself with mr dekarios, whom i cannot meet, but can think of 24/7 and draw on paper

[mysewingadventures]

Making the ✨Lioncourt Gown✨ (Part 1/4)

Shoot, it's been like two years since I last posted, apologies! I’ve been incredibly busy with uni and life in general, taking care of my mental health, it’s just been a very stressful time lately. I haven't really worked on anything worthy of posting in the meantime, only minor things and one dress I rushed and it didn't turn out well anyway. But, since Halloween is coming up and I don’t feel like wearing the same thing for the third time in a row, I thought it was the perfect excuse to try and make something new and the other day at 2am I fell down a rabbit hole and came up with an idea I’m completely obsessed with.

So recently, (in case you couldn't tell by the title haha) I’ve been really into Interview with the Vampire (the TV show), and there’s this one costume that’s so iconic it immediately caught my attention: This Lestat outfit.

I feel like since this blog isn't fandom related I need to explain myself to those of you who are just semi-familiar with IWTV. Maybe you know Lestat as essentially the villain of the story and are wondering why on earth I'd want to make an outfit inspired by him. The answer is quite simple and not actually deep at all: I just thought it'd be a fun project. I'm very well aware of his personality and would not want to be in the same room as him in real life haha. But he's such an interesting character to watch on screen (they all are, in my opinion). Anyways-

This outfit is from a scene that takes place in the 1790s and now, I’m unfortunately not too versed in men’s fashion so I can’t quite comment on its historical accuracy (and also it’s worn in the context of a theater performance so it’s bound to be more flashy than what people would have worn on the streets), but the way the lapel is shaped just screams redingote to me, and since I've always wanted to make a redingote I'm going to make a redingote version of the costume!

For reference, here's what a c. 1790 redingote looks like:

This one has a normal button closure but redingotes were also often double-breasted (which is what I'm going for), taking inspiration from men's fashion. These were often worn to ride in - hence the name, redingote - riding coat.

Maybe this is the point where I should mention that I'm not going for perfect historical accuracy for this project. It really is just a fun project to try to approximate something as seen on a show to an actual historical piece of clothing.

Here’s a super quick sketch I drew to check if the colors looked good together, and I have to say, I’m sold 1000%.

I am so excited to wear this when it’s done, but also a bit anxious because for starters, I’ve never made a redingote before, and the dresses that I have made all have issues with the sleeves because apparently, I can’t sew sleeves correctly. So this time, I really want to make sure it all fits properly before I sew it and take my time with it to make sure it ends up being something that I love as much as I love the idea of it.

This time, I tried something a little different with my mockup - usually, I’ll draft a pattern on paper, then cut out my mockup and sew it, but this time I decided to make the mockup by draping the fabric directly on the mannequin that I dressed in my stays and a bumroll, making sure I had the correct measurments, and it was a complete gamechanger. It fit right away with minimal adjustments, and I was also immediately able to check how the fabric falls, if it needed to be on the bias or not, etc. I ended up doing everything on straight grain which is technically not 100% correct as the front piece needs to be on a slight bias but it seems to work for this piece so let’s hope the fabric doesn’t wrinkle! I’ll also be adding boning so I’m hoping that’ll additionally keep it all straight and even in the front.

Once the mockup was completed, I went on the search for the right fabrics and got these (the skirt fabric, the buttons and the tape I ordered online and they've yet to arrive!):

The black base fabric and the blue one are cotton, as will be the skirt. The details are satin! I spent a long time at the fabric store trying to think of the best way to do this and it does look like the details on Lestat's outfit are maybe velvet, but I was afraid it would look a little too costume-y and cheap, so I ended up going with satin in the end.

I pinned the fabric mock-up onto the lining fabric (just a white Ikea bedsheet), added 1,5cm seam allowances where needed cut out the lining first, then placed the lining onto the black base fabric and cut that out as well.

I needed to lay the pieces down this way because I bought 2,5 meters, and I'll need 2m for the outer skirt alone so there's not a lot of space left, as I'll also have to cut out the sleeves from that fabric. I then sewed everything together.

And then I noticed I'd made a mistake - the lining for the front panel was supposed to be blue. Welp, now it's white, and I also realized I didn't have enough blue fabric to do the collar AND the lining, so I went for a fake lining for which I cut out two blue triangles to be slightly bigger than the lapel

and stitched them to the lining layer so the seams wouldn't be visible on the black outer layer. This was the result:

Pretty happy with it! Next up, even though I don't have the beige tape yet, I decided to cut out the color panels in the front and already pin them down. After some trial and error, I decided to go for 15x4,5cm triangles and calculated the size needed for the shorter ones (9x7,5cm), cut them out of the satin (which, let me tell you, was so finicky it ended up being the most difficult part of it all) laid them down and fastened with pins.

This is what I have so far:

Looking at it in the picture, I'm worried that the color panels take up too much space in the front. It looks like that in the original picture, but in my sketch I made everything a little narrower. But I was also scared of pulling on it too much because the panels are just pinned to the fabric. Some parts are sticking out over the black base layer which maybe also makes it look wider than it really is, I'll cut it to shape once I have the tape and have a better visual understanding of what it's going to look like.

Next up will be the collar/yoke and the dreaded sleeves and possibly the boning. I should do the boning before I attach the beige tape. I am realizing as I’m writing this that I should’ve done the boning before pinning down the colored panels as they’re supposed to cover it. Oh well. It’s fine. Either way, I think it already looks super cool and I can't wait to see the finished product!

Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4|

[alovesreading]

helloooooo! it’s been a while, and so much has happened irl so i figured i’d share a little life update for anyone who even wants a rant from me lolll

okay so a bit of a backstory for context: i moved to the states back in 2020, about a week before covid got serious and the whole world went into lockdown, and ever since then it’s just been so tough to exist.

being an immigrant is hard just by carrying the name of it, and then just having to deal with the incredible load of working through loads and loads of paperwork, gathering all sorts of documents, spending thousands and thousands of dollars, making sure to fill every blank line with the proper information as to not fuck up such a big process, it’s all just so damn much.

and then comes the wait. i have been waiting for four years for absolutely anything to come out of the process i started back in 2020, every month losing more and more hope. and then the government makes a mistake and you get denied, and then you have to spend another couple thousands to make sure THEY correct their mistake. and after that, guess what? more fucking waiting!

my mental health has been an issue for me since i was a child and it’s not a surprise that coming from a latino household and a third world country, i just had never gotten help because my struggles were waved off as me being spoiled or ungrateful, etc.

so it’s really no surprise that this whole immigration process has been chipping away at my mental health more and more with the pass of time. at first, it was easy to understand the delay since lockdown had pushed so many things back, but then it just got ridiculous. and then just adding coming to terms about my sexuality after years and years of forcing myself to turn a blind eye to it, and feeling lonely cos i had no friends and everyone i was used to seeing every day of my life was back in my home country. it’s been so much.

it’s not an exaggeration to say i have checked the status of my immigration process every day for the past 4 years, and even though there was never good news, i still checked - holding out hope on the daily that a miracle would happen and all those months i’d waited would finally end up in what i wanted, what i needed really.

cos for four years i haven’t been able to study, or work, or get a licence. i’ve had to stay home, trying to pick up hobbies to not drive myself mad while my whole family could go on with their lives, having to take on the responsibility of doing everything around the house cos everyone else would he out and it would just be lazy of me to not take the burden of it all whilst everyone else is studying or working.

so i have watched my life waste away in front of my eyes year after year, seeing my friends back home doing everything i couldn’t do, wishing i could travel places or even just visit my home country but not being able to leave the country at all, trying to find little things i could do to even get twenty dollars on my own so i didn’t have to ask my family for anything.

basically, for the past four years i’d had to watch my life from the sidelines, see everything from a third point perspective, feel as if i was being puppeteered by my awful luck.

september 2023 was the month when everything started crumbling down for my family, and as the eldest, it all fell onto me. having to parent my parents and try to solve all their problems shoved me further into a black hole and just, week after week, it would all get worse.

i remember at the end of november i said it just couldn’t get fucking worse - my dumbass jinxed it clearly cos suddenly the deal my dad had made back in my home country so that i could try to go to uni went through but my shit family back home took the money and so my dad came back empty handed, and my grandma was taken to the hospital only to come out of it in a casket four days before christmas.

i was so fucking angry at life. i’ve had suicidal thoughts since i was child too and well, they hit me quite hard back in december. i was angry at my dad for not fighting to take the money, for not realising he had given me a sliver of hope (move to another state which accepted undocumented immigrants in universities) and just didn’t fight enough for me to continue to hold onto it. i was angry at god for yet again taking another woman that raised me in the most cruel way and not even giving me a chance to fucking say goodbye (again).

and so when i went on holiday at the end of the year, my only goal was to distract myself even for a few days from that void in my chest and all the racing thoughts in my mind, and how much i struggled to simply exist.

it was a nice few days, i had fun with my family and i certainly did manage to distract myself. but then we came back home and i felt so claustrophobic again to be stuck in these same four walls and the cloud of grief over me that hadn’t seemed so heavy whilst i was away, coming down on me on a fucking downpour that made my chest ache.

i was debating going back to therapy but i couldn’t afford it so i turned the idea down as soon as it came to me.

and then suddenly, one afternoon after i had finally finished cooking for everyone and sat down to finally eat, i get a cryptic email from my lawyer telling me to give her a call.

i’m not even joking when i said i pushed my plate of food away and sighed heavily cos all i could think right then is of the worst outcome and i got nauseous thinking about how it would most certainly be that my residency had been denied again cos of uscis being entirely incompetent again.

well, when i called my lawyer and i heard the smile on her face through her voice as she greeted me, i pinched myself to make sure i wasn’t dreaming even before i heard her say, “congratulations, you got your work permit.”

i hadn’t realised the grief of my grandma’s death had been joined by the grief of my own life until i felt the relief flooding me at that very moment.

it’s honestly insane how one simple number or card can open so many doors for you. in a matter of a few weeks i had a valid ID, i went to college and enrolled in classes, got a licence, went looking for a car and actually getting one soon, and applied to a bunch of jobs (got just one interview but let’s manifest i get the job).

so needless to say january has been insane for me. my life has been flipped over and i’m trying to figure everything out slowly.

i do have to say, in the midst of all those years of waiting, reading and writing have been the things to get me through and though i have been making up for the lack of writing lately with getting lost again on books. im really glad im finding myself back to writing. slowly, of course, cos i actually never considered myself that good and after this long without doing it i reckon i really need to make the effort to be decent again, im glad im back reading my silly little notes on my silly little (not little at all) docs and trying to get back into the groove of it all.

if you made it all the way here, i fucking love you and i’m sorry for such a long unnecessary rant and trauma dumping (?) but i figured this helps understand a bit more of me and since you lot have been part of such a sweet escape for me, i wanted to share a little of my life with you.

anyway, i’m honestly so glad to be back. i hope i can adjust and get everything sorted so so soon so i don’t have to go away as much as i have lately. and i also hope i can get back to writing, at least decently, so i can share all the silly stories that flood my brain and that i love sharing with you lot.

okay i’ll shut up now but i love yous and i’m sending you so many hugs and kisses your way xxxx

[kaddyssammlung]

Doggo and I got totally rained on.

I'm in a weird mood anyway so let's type a little.

On this day 2014 I entered psychiatry. Let me see if I still remember some stuff. The first thing was just pretty basic stuff....opening a file. Your name, where you life, your birthday blalbla...insurance stuff.

(I'm hiding the rest...just TW for mental health stuff)

Then I was told to go over the house number five because that's where the alcoholics are being treated.

I went in there and waited again and it was more or less the same thing. It took some time until I they showed my “room”. Everything in there just looked like hospital basically. Even the beds but it is more or less just a different form of a hospital.

Of course they made all sorts of exams. Took my blood and I had to visit a doctor. One of those “normal doctors”. Nothing special. She checked if my reflexes were okay for example. When you are a severe alcoholic then this impacts your body a lot. They checked that. She also saw my sh scars but only the ones on my arm. She did not even ask about them.

The psychologist was not in that day...funny isn't it. I was given assessment sheets. I hate that. Stuff like “how often do you think about drinking?” and then you can answer from 0 to 5 usually. Zero meaning never to five meaning constantly. So many questions.....I got one that had drinking as topic and also one that had depression as topic.

The social worker was in that day so I talked to her also.

She wanted to know my social background. Schools that I went to, what I worked as, and all of that. At that time I was enrolled at Uni btw. Yes I have a degree but only a BA but at least something, right?!

She also wanted to know quite personal stuff. Are you in a relationship? When was your first relationship? When did you first have sex? The last question I would not answer anymore. If someone, even in that position that I was in, was to ask me that again, I would not answer it. I think this is too personal and should not be anybodies business.

It did not take long and the first few hours just flew by.

Lunchtime was...well...the food in there was good. Really, really, really good. That was a relief. And also you could choose between vegetarian food or normal stuff. So great!

I think that's pretty much it.

What surprises me to this day: no one ever asked about my self-harm scars and also no ever noticed that I barely ate in there. I lost six kilos in there.....whatever. I did not bring up these topics...maybe I should have but at that time it was the drinking that kept my busy and ruled everything....who knows what it was good for.

[your-queer-dad]

TW - some parental abuse

Hey dad

I just finished my first year of uni and asides from 2 exams I made it! But now it's summer break and... It's rough. I miss my friends. Visiting them is too expensive, and no job is willing to hire me because I have the capabilities of a teen for the salary of an adult. I'm currently waiting to hear back about my application for a government thing that should help though.

I just... I can't keep pretending to be happy at home. My parents are terrible. Earlier today my mom yelled at me in public over nothing and I literally could see a stranger go 😬 at it. But to move out I need an income.

Everything is relying on the government being willing to give me money and in my area that can take forever and they might be real strict. And even once I get money I still have to wait until there's room in the place I want to go to. It's student housing combined with assisted living, I'd love to go there. They say they can't help you become more independent, hopefully that means I won't have to go back to my parents anymore.

I just need to get out of here. It feels like I can't go on much longer, but I can't just escape. My parents don't realize what they do to me, how I feel about them. They're supportive on some stuff, they got me therapy in the past and they're helping with my transition (I started hormones almost two weeks ago!), but at the same time they're so horrible and it's unbearable. But I can't just leave without a word because I rely on them (for example they fully handle my insurance) and I don't even know where to start to fix that.

My mental health was improving lately but now that I'm stuck at home I feel pretty terrible again. I'm still continuing improving my life though. I've started taking a bit more care of myself, doing stuff like changing my bedsheets or doing my laundry more regularly, and I've been taking all my meds every day for 2 months now. It's just hard sometimes to feel good about it when I feel pressured to do more and do better.

It's gonna get better, right? I'll be okay eventually, I just gotta keep going. Surely it'll all work out?

Lex

Hey kiddo, I'm so sorry you've been dealing with all that and that's your situation right now. That sounds really hard and stressful to deal with. You're completely right, if you hold on and keep going it will all work out- you just have to stick around to see it work.

- dad x

[lains-reality]

hi love, this is directed towards the anon with difficult circumstances (or maybe you as well, if you can help)

https://www.tumblr.com/lains-reality/724561014842114048/hi-im-this-anon

I realise that your blog isn’t void focused or loa focused. I apologise for sending this ask anyway. I really don’t mean to trouble you with further questions, this one will be it.

I understand non dualism and it temporarily gives me peace, gives me temporary solutions to problems that i have created (myself) over time (that seem permanent like the anon mentioned about her uni)

After i read the post, i would let my thoughts pass by and just focus on “I AM” nothing else and i would feel instant pressure around my third eye, i feel like i’m in a trance. I have done this before too because i follow infinite.ko on instagram and that page is really good if anyone wants to understand or be in the loop of non dualism on ig.

My question to the anon and i’d throw it over to you too lain, if you feel like you have any advice. I want to enter the void, i observe my thoughts pass by and i get the trance like feeling and stay there. To the anon, how did you exactly enter the void? If you don’t mind talking about in more detail as to how you did it? (or anyone reading who has tapped in before in a similar manner)

i won’t be going into my circumstances but i’ll just say every second counts and as much as i detach myself from the situation cause i know that we are all one, it only gives me a temporary solution like i mentioned earlier. I realise there’s nothing to get or desire cause we are all one but i know in my heart that i’d be at so much peace if i would enter the void and fix my problems first. I feel like i can already hear “if you’d truly understand non dualism, you wouldn’t care for the void” and i see it, i promise you i can see how it looks for anyone reading this but any help would be so greatly appreciated.

I’d like to apologise again if this was out of line in any sense.

"I want to enter the void"

what is the void to you? a magical place? its just I AM. alone, with no conditions or labels. you are already that. you just want to realise it. so you want Self, not the void.

"I feel like i can already hear “if you’d truly understand non dualism, you wouldn’t care for the void”"

it sounds like you already understand... if you've read this much then you get that we drop desires here right?

read this and this (this one is loa).

quick quotes from the posts:

However, people treat it as something they have to acquire on the outside, the same as they do with their desires. And that's how the desperation starts. Changing consciousness means changing your state of being. To "reach" the void you don't become desperate in trying to get somewhere, you practice being it! What people do is struggle and expect that by some miracle they'll wake up there. Did I do it right? Was I there??? Where do you expect you're going?

It's still trying from ego so instead of dissolving it, you are seeking for something to happen (like have the mind engulfed by darkness) I don't recommend imagining to be anything, not even emptiness, but instead just disbelieve in the things you see or take yourself to be. 1

the reason you're trying to get into the void is because you don't like your current life and because there are so many aspects you want to change, you're carrying the burden of changing the 3d on your shoulders. you're viewing the void state as something that will magically change and solve everything. so you're trying to get into the void so you can finally change the 3d.

the void obsession is anti-neville, anti-law, anti-mental health, anti-well being, anti-manifesting, anti-everything.

ngl i really hate the void, people are so obsessive over it and it focuses on the wrong thing.

also

"but i know in my heart that i’d be at so much peace if i would enter the void and fix my problems first"

why can't you be happy now? why can't you see whats okay now? why can't you allow yourself some peace through the day now? why are you postponing your own life, happiness and peace for something you may or may not get? you already don't see yourself as the void already so.. you're not losing anything if you stopped striving for the void.

theres ONLY NOW. not later. you can only experience now. why stop yourself feeling a little better NOW?

the desire is not gonna do anything. you can absolutely get everything and then still end up depressed later. you get a high with the desire, and then when everything settles, you go back to being yourself (an ego, if you don't id as Self) and then there'll be more problems to fix. because the ego only wants to fix, consume, try, do etc even to the detriment of itself. all the non-dual bloggers are telling you 'be free of that!'

i've asked before.. do you want to be free or do you want the desire? do you want the truth, or do you want the desires?

things come into the "3d" to die.

[nobody-home]

Tag game

I'm so glad senpai @thirstyvampyr noticed me. That's why it took me a while to do this, I had a micro-breakdown (in a positive way) lmao

name: S

do you drink coffee? if so, what'i'll start your coffee order? one each morning just because I arrive at my workplace too soon with the bus lol. Or if I have to wake up very early and/or stay up very late on vacation. Just normal espresso, very little sugar and milk; sometimes with ginseng or chocolate.

what's the best thing you ate today? Zucchini+tofu in garlic flavoured soy sauce. That specific soy sauce saved my life many times

tell us about your first pet (or if you haven't had a pet yet, what's your dream pet?) One day in 2001 my uncle brought a random puppy to my house. I had to get out of the house to take him for walks (not as often as I should have, I have to admit shamefully), and that was good for my mental health and created some good memories. He died in 2017, just days before I graduated uni, so I feel like I didn't spend enough time with him in his final days, sorry Boby, miss u so much. Honorable mention to all the pets I had and those I have now, love all my babies.

if your life was a book, what would you call the current chapter? I have on idea honestly, I am overall satisfied but I love complaining about anything and everything anyways lol

what's something you did recently that you're proud of? I think I am quitting smoking for real this time?? I stopped at the end of July because bronchitis and now any cigarette still tastes like shit and/or hurts. It's a good thing.

what was your first dream job growing up? is it anything like the job you have now? I didn't know back then and I still don't know now lol. Now I work in accounting/administration and I unironically love spending half of my day mostly alone in my 2x3 meters cluttered office.

what's the name of the latest playlist you made? I only make playlist to remind me which songs I have to download and copy in my MP4 reader. Seriously I still use the same Sony player that I bought in 2011.

Tagging: @evanpeterswifeyyy @cheruib @slut-jpeg @perpetual-good-boy @icantspellthings @weirdgrlonline

We never interact but I love y'all

[eww-y-tho]

✨Miserable Thoughts At Around Midnight Coming From Existing With Two Narcissistic Parents✨

Pt. 1

I'm starting a series that I don't think many people will see, but this is probably going to be just for me to get my sadness and trauma out there somewhere whenever I'm thinking too much to sleep, and idk someone might be comforted by it in a weird way.

I'm just feeling very crushed right now and need an outlet. Ignore me if this, including other sensitive topics, such as attempted $u!c!d3 or inappropriate conversations with minors, is triggering for you.

For some context, my parents are divorced and living in separate houses. I'm living with my father and visiting my mother regularly. My sister is studying psychology and we've been deducing our parent's behaviour.

One of the toughest parts of having narcissistic parents is recognizing the patterns they use to manipulate you. I'm going to be talking about my mother first. Comparing the behaviour in my mother's texts between us sisters indicates a serious difference in interactions.

My mother has a history of putting me on a pedestal, calling me the light of her life, her baby, and the only reason she was married to my father. She "needed to stay with him" so that I "had someone to take care of me until I was an adult."

As a result, her subsequent neglect of anything other than spewing her poison was crushing. Me and my sister were surfing through the bins that contained crafts, art, and any nicknacks we collected over the years, and I have 20 separate, very crude cards to my mother that just say "I love you," so you can see how much I wanted to please her.

She talked about her sex life with my father to me in my tween years, plus my sense of wanting to age faster so my mother could finally leave the marriage really fucked me up. She would infantilize me and break down my confidence. Being homeschooled didn't help. I felt completely isolated.

My only saving grace was the internet while my sister left for uni. My sister had more signs of complete neglect, though. She has mental and physical health issues that are tied to parental neglect and a lot of her childhood memories were spent alone.

My sister showed me her text messages, and hers are drier than the Sahara, my mother only sporadically asks for favours that indicate a lack of care. My texts with my mother are drowned in red heart emojis, weird gifs for the context of the conversation, and a regular daily check-in if I drank my pill, what I'm doing, if I ate, what I ate, asking for any artwork WIPs I have, etc.

While that might sound sweet at first, it's very clearly a manipulation tactic, as she constantly drowns me in affection because she still thinks I can be controlled by all of her manipulative behaviour and my childhood urge to get validation from her.

It's very hard to see, which is why this speculation makes you feel like an asshole sometimes. But my sister and I have been burned by her so many times, she's ignored our advice in the past too much, pulled the victim card at so many inappropriate points, and she's actively engaged in destructive behaviour that caused some serious trauma. It's hard to believe she has good intentions.

God, I barely talked about all the things she's done to me and this is very surface-level, but it will go a lot more in-depth in other posts with examples as well as with my father so you know I'm not crazy.

I'll add a small tidbit here (that's not so small now) because it's plagued me for a few days recently:

My sister had a conversation with my mother about the four years my sister was in university, also known as the hardest point of my life. It's hard to admit, but around 3 years in, I attempted $u!c!d3. It didn't really threaten my life, but the intent was there.

My sister leaving really took a toll on my mental state, and living with two narcissistic parents made it worse. I only Skyped my sister on the weekends because I didn't want to bother her while she was in uni, so the only relationship I was active in was with my mother, as I didn't really have an excuse to not talk to her.

It was really damaging, and just remembering those years makes me cry. Back to the conversation. My sister told me that my mother actually told her that she was glad my sister left because that made me and my mother closer. I had a freakout and cried real hard when my sister told me that, because one, she was truly blind to the suffering I experienced, two, she just said that my sister was a barrier between me and her, and three, "close?" if anything, I became more and more distant as time passed.

Not even mentioning how damaging that was to my sister, as she told me that she didn't react to the blatant lack of care, but that sentence mixed with all the shit she did made her feel like she failed in protecting me, which was a driving force she had throughout my childhood. That stung.

Anyway, that's enough misery for now. I'm done.

[onlyswan]

Hiii Art!! How have you been and how's your work/studies whatever it is that you do. Good? Eh? Well mine's kinda on a dry and wet mode rn lol.

Mind if I rant here?

I have 2wk worth of exams coming up and I have no motivation to study. I honestly regret taking up the course im studying for. I mainly took it up because its lucrative and helpful in today's economy. But honestly I should have just pursued 14yo Lyfie's dream to become a nurse. It wouldve been so much more rewarding🥲🥲🥲.

Anyways despite that im just praying my gpa doesnt go down the drain, and im gulity right now because i wasted the whole day doing nothimg even though i told myself to go study. I couldnt do it. I just......well i knew what i was doing was bad but everytime i looked at my notes i felt as if i knew them all, and in the end achieved nothing. Sigh i hate myself for how repetitve this unhealthy cycle has become. Parental pressure isnt helping either. I try ranting and they say its just momentary tiredness and it would go away soon and then further guilt me into wasting time :((((.

Wow that became long. Im so sorry for litterally trauma dumping on you, especially if tou had a long day. It would be the last thing you'd wanna worry about 😂😂😂

Anyways i wanted to ask you about your writing, both as a fellow fic author and as loyal reader of yours. What inspires you to write?

(I.e set time aside to write your fics and even feel motivated to open up that document? I have so many plot bunnies, headcanons and fic ideas, but no matter how enticing, everytime i try opening up my google docs, that burst of excited energy saps away. Urgh its so frustrating!!😠)

And for your fics, we had possible teases of engagement btwn jk and oc and even f2l hopelessly pining jk and oc. So i was wondering will we ever get a confession scene 👀👀👀?

I rmbr when jk ssid somewhr in an interview where he would love to lift his partner up and kiss them and my mind went str to the in which couple lol knowing your writing and since its jk its gonna be so cute cheesy and gonna involve tears 😇.

Funny enough i also know that both oc and jk are heavy on respecting e/o be it space or privacy, and when i heard Twice MISAMO's Do Not Touch song which was about consent and it was potryaed beautifully compared to art masterpeices, it got me thinking about their initial stages of skin ship or how they got comfortable around e/o physically or even their first time. Idk im just so invested in this universe lol 😭😂

Hmmm, but thats it for now. I'll reach out to you soon!!! :D

-Lyf

hiii lyf <3 work is draining and some customers are rude but my co-workers are fun to be with so it’s alright 🥲 uni also started this week and it’s nerve wracking but also soooo exciting !! i’m just gonna need some time to adjust to this new life + schedule 😬

i’m so sorry to hear that beloved :( i’m sure with the given the circumstances that you chose what you thought would be best for you at that time and i think it’s important that you recognize that too !! 🫂 and yesyes studying is so freaking difficult especially when you don’t feel motivated >:( for me personally time management has been pretty helpful. i love schedules ^^ sometimes i do house chores first to get my brain into work mode too and i give myself little rewards during break times (which are sooo important) or after studying hehe like snacks or screen time !! please look after yourself and your health. 🥺

dw i’m mostly fine with you guys ranting about stuff like school !! because same !! but i’m just putting it out there that when it’s abt triggering stuff i have to restrain myself 🥲 i don’t reply to those because it really affects me badly mentally too :(

hmmm when it comes to inspiration to write 🤔 like i said i do love schedules hehe i open a draft every night before bed + in my notes i also save words/phrases/scenarios that pop in my mind throughout the day but couldn’t write yet :D but i don’t really get to write everyday bcs i’m too tired or nothing just comes out. sometimes i only write one sentence or one paragraph then pass out lol. on a good day i finish one scene and maybe start writing the next too !! a jungkook weverse live will always 100% give me a big rush of motivation tho 🤭

and i doooo want to explore the earlier stages of oc and jungkook’s relationship 🥹🥹🥹 i have many many plans !! but i just want them to be perfect so it might take me a while </3 this is still a long journey if y’all are up for it hehe thank you so much for being invested in our little iw universe !! 🥰 it truly means the world to me that i get to enjoy my passion like this :") ilysm lyf 🫂

[prinzessinpluto]

Hi!

I know we haven't talked in a while, so I decided to share good news with you!

I finally got approved by a psychiatrist and a psychologist to take testosterone! And I have a meeting with endocrinologist next week! So if everything goes well I might start taking t in February or March!

Also I'm still in uni (send help) and we have exam season in February, so Christmas brrak will be filled with studying

But I like the classes so far, even tho they're hard (except logic, FUCK LOGIC)

How are you, my love?

P.S. doggo time!

SHARKIE MY LOVE HELLO HOW ARE YOU IVE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!!

THATS AMAZING NEWS!!! CONGRATULATIONS HOLY SHIT that's super exciting wow I'm hyped for you!!!

How's Uni been treating you so far? Are your roommates nice? Also what are you even studying idk if I asked before lol

Aaah I'm so proud of you, you're out here doing shit, living life :'))))

AND SAY HELLO TO THE DOGGO TOO!!!

Honestly I dont have many exciting things to report I've been mostly just working on my mental health for the first time ever BUT things are sort of starting to happen again? slowly? and I don't wanna jinx anything but I'm feeling good about where I'm headed right now :)

[grimvr]

Hello,

thank you for being so open about your mental health. It has a healing effect on me knowing I am not alone in this hell...I struggle with a lot of anxiety (among many other struggles) that can make it really heard to function. I always feel a lot of shame when people ask about my life and why I am not as productive as most society is. I am at school (uni) and most people work at the same time and i always feel ashamed that I am barely able to keep up with school even if I have much more time than others. I also find it heard having to constatly bring up my struggle when being asked why I don't have a day job like most people...

How are you dealing with being more limited than most people due to mental illness? Are you able to detach yourself from other people's judgement? You seem confortable talking about your illness, is there a way to feel less ashamed about it?

i know it can be hard to release yourself from other peoples expectations, societal expectations. i think it can take a while and is something you have to actively work at. comparison is futile. every person is different, the way we navigate the world is different, the hands we're dealt are different. you may not be moving through the world in the same way your peers are and thats okay. how boring would the world be if we were all on the exact same trajectory.

mental illness can be a difficult thing to explain to people in our lives. if they don't get it, they likely never will. you can try to have honest conversations with the people closest to you, show them that you are doing the best you can and hope that they will try to be understanding. if these questions are coming from people you don't wish to confide in, feign confidence and assuredness about your timeline. "i'm just focusing on uni right now" is enough, no need to expand.

and in the meantime work on that confidence within yourself. reject the goals placed on you by a maniacally productivity-driven society and restructure your own goals in life. getting out of bed, attending a class, reaching out to a friend. any little thing you can think of that you are able to do, that you feel good about doing - thats what you should aim for. its okay to take it slow. its okay to do your best even if it doesn't match up to what is being pushed on you. who's to say that those expectations lead to any sort of a meaningful life anyway? you can build on your goals in the future, when you are able. but for however long you need, be kind to yourself. you don't need your own voice to be added to the symphony of criticisms around you.

some of the most exceptional people i know, the most creative, kind, and intelligent, struggle with mental illness. there is no shame in being a part of a group like that.

i am glad i could be a small help. you are never alone in this. many of the people around you that seem the most together are likely struggling too, its just not always visible.

be well

x

[jesuisgourde]

sorry more wt/richey rambling kind of

I found this scholarly article talking about adverse life events and suicide and it talks about how the majority of people who committed suicide had at least one adverse life event close in time to (aka within one year) taking their life. But it also says “The rate of occurrence of events for suicides increased throughout the preceding year with an acceleration towards death, while events were evenly spread during the year among controls.” Meaning that people who killed themselves who had experienced multiple adverse life events experienced them all in a shorter time period, whereas the controls experienced life events more spread out through the year.

idk if I have good place to talk about this in my writeup but it is really interesting to note. Because while Richey was definitely grappling with severe untreated mental health issues and addiction through out much of 1993 and all of 1994, aside from the death of his uni friend which seems to have been some of the catalyst for his first breakdown that put him in the Priory, almost all of the adverse major events occurred within nearly a month of each other: The band reached the zenith of their tension and destroyed all their instruments, he turned 27, he proposed to his girlfriend and she rejected him so they broke up, his childhood dog died. Exacerbating those major adverse events were the ongoing adversities of the rigors of touring which he already hated, struggling to remain sober despite having no positive coping mechanisms to replace the unhealthy ones of drinking, self-harm, or anorexia, and living with depression in general, and whatever other potential personality disorder he may have had.

Like he just fits into that so exactly, and it makes a lot of sense, since the article also mentions that the majority of suicide notes essentially boil down to the theme of things being “too much” and all those adverse life events being unbearable. Like, all those events happening so close together piling on top of each other just becomes overwhelming and become he straw that breaks the camels back of a person already creaking under the weight of mental illness and tension and poor treatment.

[billihill]

Get it off my chest, I guess

TW: mentions of depression, anxiety, suicide  Good day or night for everyone! If you guys know me, I am just another fan account for multiple fandoms, my name here on Tumblr is BilliHill and my pronouns are She/They. I write fanfiction, even though I haven’t written in months, usually for the everlark fandom (love them). But this ain’t about what I really wanted to write. I am a teacher. I teach English as Second Language in Brazil. That’s what I have been saying for three years so far.

I was correct, indeed.

I am an English teacher. However, the first time it really sunk in was, in fact, today. I started giving classes in the beginning of 2020, before the COVID-19 pandemic was in fact declared as a danger to society, so I didn’t really much experience “in class” and soon had to move to online classes. I made a bit of money that was used mainly for my Flight Attendent classes (that was my dream back then). Flash-forward I got my first real job as a simple secretary in a small company that a person of my blood knew one of the directors. I still maintained my online classes with the few on and off students I had. This happened in 2021. I worked and studied my ass off for my Flight Attendent course, but in the end, it was a “waste” of time, since all my efforts had gone to the trash, along with my dreams (I can tell that story in another time). The job I mentioned earlier was good, but my mental health was decaying. I’ve struggled with depression and generalized anxiety since I was about 10 and at 15, a week before my 16th birthday, I attempted suicide. It was hard, so hard, but I started going to therapy, took my meds. Everything was fine.  Until 2022. The meds weren’t working anymore, therapy was not what I was looking for and along with the news that I couldn’t be a Flight Attendent (at least for a while) broke me. I chose not to go to uni or college because of my dream and now I couldn’t be what I was dreaming to be since I got in High School. All my friends were in unis and colleges (or studying to be accepted in one) and I felt as if my life was stagnant and dull. I couldn’t see a future anymore.  2022 was not, in fact, all bad. It was in 2022 that I met and started dating my now girlfriend. Our families were totally fine with our relationship and her family helped A LOT with what I was going through that year. I love my girlfriend more than she could ever imagine. I wanted future with her then and I still want it. 2023 came and I left my job. I couldn’t take it anymore. That place was terrible, the people (expect some) were terrible and I was falling into that abyss again. I needed time for myself. I am better now; still adjusting my meds and all, but things seems to be much better than it once was. 

All of this was just the context. This text, however, is about being a teacher in Brazil. Teachers here are paid per hour, like in the US. One hour is basically 1 class, so it leaves us teachers nothing but getting an enormous amount of classes (more than we can physically and psychologically) to be able to live because we, teachers, do not have a fixed wage. It’s per hour, as I said before. Inflation made everything WORSE. I started to study in a private university (because I’m too dumb for a public one) in a course I never knew I’d like (and still don’t really know since it’s only the beginning of the semester). I got a scholarship that is basically a discount of the full fee (and a good one, actually) and things seemed to be going smoothly, correct? 

Kind of. 

I finally got a job in a small school of languages that is, guess what? In another town! It takes me almost 4 hours of train and bus to get to the school (round trip). It pays me almost the same price my private classes (a teeny bit more). I worked for 11 hours this month in total (we have HUGE celebration called Carnaval that took 1 week off the calendar and the classes had only began a week before the celebration. In my calculations, I would receive at least enough to pay the university monthly fee.  Gods, I was so fucking wrong. I was paid 1/3 of what I was expecting and that broke me. Not only because I cannot pay this month’s fee by myself (that is a pain in the ass, not gonna lie), but specially because that is the reality of the teachers here. So underpaid and overworked. Taking hours in public transportations, where you’ll have to endure standing up the whole course + standing up while teaching. It ain’t easy and it could be so so much worse. I still live with my mother, so no rent to be stressed about. We are able to eat everyday. We have internet. We ARE privileged in a way that most middle class people aren’t (even though I firmly believe that those mentioned earlier should NEVER be a privileged, but a right just as it says in the law.

I am, in many ways, tired. So so tired. I don’t know how I’ll be able to study and work without draining myself but then I remember it could be worse. It can always be worse. Maybe I am making a storm in a teacup, but I cannot help that’s what I feel. I can’t pay for therapy or my meds; I can’t pay the uni even with all the money I get (mostly because of my reckless behaviour with credit cards that I won’t be able to pay for now; I recognize that, even though I only spent that money because I thought I was going to be paid more); I can’t pay for my cats’ food, litter and vaxxes.  I am becoming what I’ve always feared. A burden.

Guess that’s life, correct? 

- BilliHill

[josad-irl]

My burden and well maybe first and last post

welp, worth a try

Hi, I'm "J", 23 yo.

Guess this might be worth a try since I'm running out of options.

Background info: I have heavy depression, and got diagnosed with multiple personality disorder with a strong tendency towards BPD (Borderline). I never had consistent suicidal thoughts. They came impulsive during high trigger situations a few times.

Just half a year ago I had the best time of my life. I was clean from my 1 1/2 year long addiction to drugs. I had the best gf I could have ever wished for. I had fun at Uni. I had good friends. I was happy. Or so I thought. My BPD kept making the relationship go into a crisis. My gf had ADHD and quiet-borderline was to be diagnosed. But I never found out til this day if she actually has it. Well, now I don't have a gf, lost most of my friends, my heavy depression is back and either my emotions aren't available for weeks or they come back like a train hitting me straight on and make me cry and brake down into panic attacks multiple times daily. I can't sleep. I don't feel happiness. I cannot enjoy a single thing. I either eat too much at once or not at all. After the break up I got sent into a prison-like psychiatric clinic for 3 nights. It was the worst time of my life. I never before have truly felt the way I did back then. That is almost 3 months ago now. Afterwards got a place in a clinic for mental health which was rlly nice tbh. I had a nice room. Nice ppl. Got a nice therapist. After a few weeks therapy finally started to help and I felt emotionally more stable after my 2 months stay. Now I am "free" again. Two weeks have passed. I can't stop thinking about my ex and the friends who were in the same circle. They all keep in contact with her, but they never once came to visit me or texted me during my stay in the clinic. Not once. In two months. I had to text them. Now they all barely answer to my texts. I do still have some rlly good friends left. But somehow I can't get over the things I have lost. And I am still desperately in love with my ex partner. She was the best person I have ever met. But she has blocked me everywhere. My emotions were gone for the last 2 weeks of my stay in the clinic. They came back a week ago. Well rather they came back on my birthday. When the hope had rissen up that my ex would text me. But no, nothing. During my stay in the clinic we had an on/off thing. We met, we slept with each other. But suddenly she cut me off completely saying it over for ever. She realised we weren't good for each other and that was it. Well, my opinion was that we could heal through therapeutic help and try it again. But she never answer to that. That was the moment I went into shock and kinda lost all my emotions. As I said, these came back on my bday. Especially the last hour of it. I had a huge panic attack and a gigantic borderline trigger, where it felt like i was going insane. I tried to desperately contact her. But she blocked me off even in the last possible way I had to get into contact. She saw my calls, but she cut them off. That was it. My emotions finally got broken. Now i am sitting here and contemplating if its worth living, when my only two choices are being emotionally unavailable and basically just acting under a facade or to be emotionally broken and depressed to an extent where I am pretty close to taking my own life. I tried before but got stopped. I think this might be the time where I'll get it over with. Well. If neither a clinic, nor meds, nor my mum and not even my good friends can stop me from feeling and thinking this way...who can? Will this ever stop? I have been depressive for years. 4, maybe 5 years. My BPD is hindering my emotional stability. I don't know what to do. I think live is beautiful. And I know people can heal. I know time can heal. I know I should just cut contact and concentrate on the things I have. I learned so much in the clinic. I know others would take this opportunity to heal. Other ppl are strong. But I don't think I can. I am scared of myself. I am scared of rejection. I am scared of what anyone says. I am scared of what anyone thinks. I am scared of what I think. I am scared of what I can do. I am scared of what I could become. I am scared. I am broken. My trust is broken. My emotions are broken. And I have seen better days in these dark times. But they were always overshadowed. I give up. Maybe. Well....

"X", I love you. I hope you are able to heal. I hope you got the help you needed. I hope you will find the happiness that you deserve. You were the first person in my life that I could be myself around completely. The first person I ever truly loved. You helped me through heavy depression, addiction and pain. Now I hope you get the help you need and never have to feel the way I did or now do. I wish you all the best.

To anyone reading this: I hope your are having it better than me. I know this sounds weird for me to say, but... if your are going through somethings, ask for help. Someone will help. There is nothing more important than your mental health. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever challenges your are facing <3

If this isn't my last post, then something must have happened and well..I'll post an update then.

Maybe goodbye, maybe not.

J

[houkagokappa]

It’s Monday and I’m exhausted. I didn’t get to rest on the weekend, because I had uni work and chores to keep me busy for most of it. I also celebrated my sister’s birthday with my family, which I have mixed feeling on, since my sister was late for it by two hours. I could’ve used those two hours to wind down and just exist as myself, but instead I spent them annoyed at her being late, worried something might’ve happened, anxious not knowing what was going on and irritated because I hadn’t eaten anything since the morning and had gotten incredibly hungry. My sister’s habitually late, but she usually lets us know how late she’ll be and this time around we got radio silence. When she finally picked up (an hour later) it turned out that she overslept because she spent the entire night (until 8 am) helping a friend who was dealing with “a crisis”, and once she went to sleep she forgot to set an alarm. I can’t even be mad at her for being late because she did the right thing helping a friend in need (8 am might seem excessive, but sometimes that’s life and I’m not about to question the validity of someone's crisis).

I had a good time once she got to my parents place, but it is really frustrating how she continues to show no respect for us and our time, especially this week and last week when I’ve had to push myself to make the schedules work. One of the things that annoy me the most is how she’s never cared to put the effort in for us, “that’s just how she is and we should plan around it”, even though she’s entered an industry where the working hours are strict and she doesn’t seem to have any problems following those or going above and beyond to help her friends. I guess this stems from/adds to the bigger issue where I feel like I’m not important enough to be worth that extra effort (although I’m super close to my sister so it’s not like she doesn’t appreciate me).

It also really sucks how I’ve gotten a lot of great news lately, and I’m currently doing an internship that I’ve dreamed about for ages, but I’m still stressed and exhausted. My life is supposed to be “good” right now, so why don’t I feel that way? The answer is because I overwork myself, which is frustrating, since I’m too much of a perfectionist to spend less time on tasks (double, triple, quadruple checking everything before I turn in any assignments) and I have been working less weekly hours than what’s intended for the internship, so it feels like I should be able to deal with this much, if not more.

I mentioned being exhausted to my dad and his response was “welcome to the working life”, which was irritating since 1) this is not my first job/it’s not even a job, so it’s not like this is my first experience with working life, and 2) he doesn’t have a bunch of extra uni work and a single person household to run at the same time. I pointed that out to him, but he claimed to still think about work during his weekends (which is probably true to some degree, but it’s still not the same). My parents are lovely people and they do help me out a lot with different things, but they’ve never understood my mental health struggles (which, to be fair, I hide for the most part). They probably don’t think I have any anymore, since I’m doing all these things now, so it feels like I get very little sympathy for my troubles. I’m also worried that my life’s always going to be this way, with me not having as much energy as I used to have/ want to have/ feel like I’m expected to have. Like I’ve come a long way, but life’s still kinda shit :/

...

I have to remember to be kinder towards myself. I’ll schedule in time for my uni assignments and I’ll take it away from the hours I’d spend on my internship (since they allow me to come and go as I please), so that I’ll have the evenings off. I’ll attend events only if I feel like I’m up for it, I’m not going to force myself to attend just because something’s organized and it sounds fun. I’ve been doing better, but I still need to remind myself to take it easy.

[valkyrayn]

hello juhl, i was reading your about and had a question but please don’t feel pressured to answer if you think it’s too personal. i recently graduated after studying marketing as well and got an entry level job and quit 6 months later because it was so stressful and made me really sad, so i wanted to ask what field of marketing you are in? ideally i just want to earn a lot like you (not assuming, just from reading your about page) but i know that takes time. thank you so much i know it’s not a tot qs but after a lot of job rejections i feel so directionless

hi hi! no dw that’s totally fine ☺️ also heads up this is gonna be a long reply lmao

i am in digital marketing, specifically as an Operations Manager. we don’t work with traditional marketing media, so we do mostly ads on social media. and tbh, my degree is in Communications. I learned like 10% of Marketing in uni, most of my knowledge came from working at the company I’m in now (for like 5 years now).

honestly, i’ve received questions like this a lot—about what kind of work they should venture into to earn a lot of money. and while I can give you suggestions like ‘digital marketing’ and etc, it all really comes down to two things—your attitude and finding a workplace that appreciates your effort.

which essentially means you don’t need to be in a field that you think you’re supposed to. i graduated thinking i should look for a job in a communications field—and i did that, in a magazine company but the hours and pay were shit so i quit after i landed my new (current) job.

i applied, with little to zero knowledge about marketing. but i was hired for my attitude—my willingness to learn and to prove to them that i can excel in that role; 5 years later i’m so good at what i do, i’m now promoted to manager. and now, i am too in charge of Hiring and tbh, we look for attitude first more than anything. so if i can suggest anything, find a company that values attitude first before skill. of course companies like these are unicorns, hard to find. but you can almost always tell by looking at the job vacancy they posted.

so here’s a checklist that i go by on companies that you should avoid when i look at job vacancies (entry level—not manager positions):

- are they hiring you for a single focused role or is it something like Graphic Designer/Data Entry. if it’s the latter, it’s a no from me. cus you’ll end up doing a 5-person job

- are they asking for your degrees and says you must have a 3.8 gpa and above? goodbye. unless they’re hiring you for professions like doctor, engineer etc then okay but for marketers, not necessary. 3.0 above is good enough.

- are they listing the role and responsibilities clearly or is it very vague? if it’s the latter, you can try asking them at the interview. if they can’t be fully transparent, red flag.

i also actively avoid companies that say—we are a family. that’s my #1 red flag lmao. we’re not supposed to be a family.

tldr; try other fields—you might be surprised that you’d end up doing something entirely different than what you plan to. i gotta be honest, when you’re looking for a job initially it will be about wanting to get the best pay; that’s totally understandable. and tbh, you’d be lucky asf if you’re able to find that but don’t be scared to settle with little first as long as you know that company can appreciate your effort and give you salary raises in the years to come. give them 2 years, by then you’d be able to know if it’s worth for you to stay or ditch the company. but of course if they’re toxic, leave within the 1st year, don’t waste your time if it takes a toll on your mental health.

and attitude wise, i can go at length about this but maybe another time. but really, this is the game changer for me. once i shifted my mindset and removed my ego, tendency to self-pity but not doing anything about it and stopped blaming others but OWN my mistakes, failures and success—i did nothing but strive at my work and life overall. and the abundance just kept coming for me, monetary and other things.

cliche but i truly believe in manifesting for good things as well. manifesting AND doing something to achieve it. and if you ask me what’s my secret to success—attitude and mindset. fix these first and the rest will come easy.

gosh this went to so many places. became a whole ass motivational speech too lmao i’m sorry but i hope that helps!! 🥹

and i’ll manifest for good things to come to you!! and that you will soon find a job that you enjoy that also pays you good money 🫶

edit: i just realized i probably only half answered you. but before i go into details of what field in marketing that might suit you or skills you might need, i gotta ask—what part in your previous job that stressed you out?