#unfortunately this is where I locked in academically so there isn’t much more to post

[paperenthusiast667]

[cinnamonest]

Y’all are too nice to me I swear… here I am being horny and nasty on main and I’m getting encouraged, damn. But for real  ( ´ ω ` ) thank you so much!!

I’m gaining more confidence to post more smutty stuff and the kind of dark shit I like, so I might go back and make more nasty Childe content later on too… After Albedo, I got Razor and Zhongli coming up, and a few ones I just worked on for fun. But yeah, just in case it wasn’t clear for anyone who followed me, I’m going to be writing almost entirely dark content and some really nasty stuff, so just be aware of that, and don’t consume my writing if that’s something that may be harmful to you.

Albedo is so pretty… and such good dark content material… He treats you like a science experiment but has the audacity to make it hot smh

I haven’t seen a whole lot of him outside the cutscenes, so potentially ooc (as if yandere content isn’t already ooc, lmao)

Albedo - Yandere Profile

tw: general yandere content, obsessive behavior, stalking

tw (below cut): smut, noncon (seriously, you’ve been warned)

What are they generally like? Lucid, aware? Obsessive? How do they behave?

Very much aware. In the beginning, it frustrates him. He’s never been particularly attached to anyone, outside of his former instructor. He’s always enjoyed being out on his own, spending extended amounts of time by himself – the desire to be around someone is a foreign feeling for him. He immediately notices how bizarre the emotion is for him, how it changes his behaviors. His self awareness combined with perceptiveness makes him able to acutely recognize not only how unusual this emotion is for him, but also how the extent of his feelings, the types of desires they ignite in him, is unusual even for “normal” people who aren’t social recluses.

He’s frustrated by his own actions, feels embarrassed at how attached he is to you, how easily you make him flustered and trip over his words. As he is a very aware yandere, he’s definitely afraid of rejection to some degree. He has no idea how to navigate feelings and interactions with other people, he’s never really had the desire to form a particularly strong bond with anyone before. As such, he’ll come across as very awkward, and he will interact with you less than most yanderes – he knows he’s just going to embarrass himself if he talks to you, right? He’ll just mess up and say something strange, so instead, he opts to watch you from the shadows, go to places where you are, but keep a distance from you, just being able to watch you makes him feel fluttery and overwhelmed. 

He will definitely be one to collect things from you. He collects plenty of things for the sake of science, this is no different. Or so he tries to tell himself, but he can’t delude himself even if he tries. He knows its weird, he knows its wrong, but the overwhelming urge to have things of yours is too great to resist. He’ll start off with more innocent things, but it will gradually progress to not-so-innocent… items of yours.

It may not be obvious, but he’s actually a fairly sensitive person, at least regarding you. He places a lot of value in what you think of him, and wants to ensure you’ll respond positively to him. He views it like a science – there should be some formula by which he can put in the correct actions, and produce a specific result. Unfortunately, unlike real science, there’s not much room for trial and error – he feels he only has once chance.

How likely are they to kidnap their darling? How quickly will they do so?

It will take some time, as he’s got to get over his own nerves first. He’s torn between the fear of you hating him for such a thing, it would be the end of the world for him, but also the desire to pull you away from the world, to keep you hidden from others, to have you all to himself, to be the only person that gets to look at you. If you start showing positive signs, reacting positively to his gifts, expressing interest in conversation with him and going out of your way to see him, he’ll start to get more confident, think that he can afford to do something that might sour your opinion of him, hoping it will merely be temporary.

He’ll probably start to do so several times and back out. He’ll set out at night, make it all the way to your room and stand over your sleeping form, and he’ll start to worry, wonder if someone saw him, see holes in his plans, he gets too nervous and bolts. He’ll persuade you into being alone with him, and although its the chance he’s looking for, again, he’ll get nervous, worry about being caught, run through all the what-ifs, and miss the chance. Honestly, when he does finally take you, it will probably be not planned, but in the heat of the moment, a rash decision from desperation. Something like you coming to visit him to tell him you’re leaving the area, came to say goodbye, and he’ll panic, ultimately grabbing you by the arm as you try to leave and dragging you back inside, silently, but forcefully.

How difficult is it to escape from them? How do they keep you restrained? How do they deal with attempted escape?

Moderately difficult. Your best bet is to take advantage of his tendency to be absent minded when he’s absorbed in his work. He gets very lost in his thoughts, to a point where he’ll completely zone out and be oblivious to the world around him. On the downside, this means you won’t have much time to cover distance, he’ll be close behind the moment he realizes you’re gone.

The route he’ll probably take is actually one where you won’t need to be too restrained, because you’ll be taking… a little research trip. Out to the most freezing, desolate areas of the mountains. He’s convinced the knights he needs to stay there for his research, but in reality, he’s internally panicking, as he tries to figure out how to make this work – after all, you two can’t stay here forever. You’d be foolish to run out of the little cabin he’s bought, out into the perilous freezing cold and jagged, high slopes. At first, he thinks there’s no way you’d try it, so he’s content letting you have free reign to walk around as you please. If he has to leave for whatever reason, he’ll probably lock you into a single room, but he won’t chain you up, as again, he's really trying to avoid making you hate him.

If you prove to be determined to leave, he’ll be hurt, but mostly concerned for you. He’s actually not one to get too mad over an escape attempt – he’ll blame himself, or theorize it’s just a natural response your brain triggered. Against his first choice, he’ll end up having to get more strict with your restraints. If you get too whiny, though… you might trigger one of his more frustrated moments.

“I didn’t want to have to do this… I’m sorry. I can’t risk anything bad happening to you. Tell me if it’s too tight… I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t blame you. I know you’re probably panicking over all this, but you’ll get adjusted to it, I promise. Just… just give it some time… it’s not so bad, living with me, I promise.”

“Don’t be like that. You’re only tied up because you tried to leave. You should understand why you have to be kept like this… If you don’t want to be restrained, you shouldn’t have run out, trying to get yourself killed.”

How easy are they to trick, deceive, or manipulate?

For all his academic intelligence, he’s not highly skilled with people and socialization. He’s not too good at being able to tell when he’s being lied to, and he definitely won’t pick up on subtle manipulation. It’ll be pretty easy to wrap him around your finger, he’ll do what he can to make you happy.

Once he finds out you’ve lied to him, though, he’ll get pretty upset. He likely won’t trust you again, and will require proof of anything you say, or set out to find out if you’re telling him the truth or not.

How lenient are they? What privileges can you have, and what will you be denied?

He’ll try to accommodate you, giving you things you ask for, but he has limits. He’s too paranoid to let you have any contact with the outside world. You do have him wrapped around your finger to an extent, though. Whatever he’s doing at the moment, he’ll drop it in a heartbeat if you want to spend time with him in any way, even if its just you asking for food or to take a walk. He’ll be willing to take you for very short trips outside, no further than a few yards from the lodging, if only because he knows sunlight is vital to your health.

What kind of rules do they have? What kind of punishment would they use?

The basics will be there – don’t try to leave, don’t be difficult with him, try to cooperate, be obedient. However, he’s also particularly overprotective of anything that can hurt you – even yourself. Under no circumstances can you handle anything that can hurt you – that means no cooking, no knives, no lifting anything heavy, no going outside without him. If you’re determined to cook something, he’ll have to stand right behind you, and watch while you do it. If you get so much as a little cut or burn, he’ll take over, insisting you go sit down after he tends to your “wounds.”

At the very beginning, he’ll be hesitant to punish you too much, as part of his plan to get you to like him. However, he can be a little easily frustrated, and your safety and well-being comes first, even if it means he has to make you upset. He will have to restrain you, take away what little privileges you had. If you try to bolt while you’re outside, no more going outside. If you try something foolish like attacking him with a knife when he gives you cooking privileges, you will lose said privileges. Really, the worst part of it all is the humiliation, being treated like a dumb, incapable baby that can’t do anything for yourself. He insists on doing everything for you, even down to bathing you and dressing you, even feeding you if you can’t convince him to take restraints off your hands. He’ll talk down to you in that way, too, talking to you as if you were a child.

How do they deal with rivals, or perceived rivals? Will they get rid of them? Will they kill them themselves, or find another way?

It’s a situation he’s not prepared to handle, and he’s unsure of what to do. It strikes fear in him that you might have someone else interested, so he has to get rid of them as quickly as possible. He’s not opposed to killing, if it comes down to that, but initially, he’ll try to work behind the scenes – expose something that will ruin their reputation, get them accused of a crime. This would also be one of the possible aforementioned situations that might cause him to kidnap you a bit earlier than he normally would, as well. If he can’t get rid of them easily, he’ll just take you away from them.

He will absolutely try to make you hate them, try to ruin your image of them, and he’s rather good at falsifying evidence for his claims of their behavior. With his alchemic skills, that sort of thing is easily possible.

How easy is it to make them mad? What does their anger look like?

He gets more frustrated than anything, when you’re being difficult. This is mostly just him sighing quite a bit, speaking a bit harshly, even pouting and sulking a bit if you’ve offended him. But true anger in him is not pretty, and almost never happens. It’s a buildup, a slow rise that has a boiling point. If he reaches that point, he can definitely get mad enough to hurt you, it’s actually kind of terrifying in how sharp of a contrast it is to how he normally is. It’s a side of him that’s very difficult to draw out. He’s not one to yell or shout, no, his anger is a suffocating silence, he slams down whatever he’s holding as he stomps over to you, grabbing you by the arms hard enough to bruise, and dragging you by the hair to whatever he has planned.

With mild frustration outbursts, he will feel justified, but if it reaches that intense anger, he’ll usually give at least a little apology, tell you he didn’t mean to go that far. He hates to think of you fearing him, but ultimately, if that’s what’s necessary to keep you safe, then he can live with it.

Do they see you as above them, beneath them, or equal to them?

It’s an odd mix. On one hand, he sees you as utterly fascinating, the most beautiful thing he’s ever laid eyes on, more than any landscape or art he’s seen or made, an invaluable treasure to be kept on a high pedestal. Simultaneously, however, he will treat you like a child, thinks you can’t do anything for yourself. It’s a bizarre duality, but one he is consistent on. You’re precious, so very precious, and he’s undeserving of you, but at the same time, you need him to be safe and sound.

How determined are they for you to love them? How hard will they try to make it happen? Or are they content just having you?

Of the genshin boys, he’s one of the most determined. He’s not good with people, and he doesn’t really have anyone particularly close to him left anymore. He tends to keep people at a distance. You sort of fill an space inside him that he never knew was empty, a void he wasn’t aware he had until it was consumed by thoughts of you. He doesn’t need anyone or anything else, so long as he has you with him, but he really, really wants it to be true that you love him. He doesn’t need you to even love him as much as he loves you – he doesn’t even know if that’s possible – but he just wants to know that, even if only in the slightest, his feelings are returned. He’s so distant from everyone else, but you wormed your way into his heart, even if you didn’t intend to, with your smiles and softness and kindness towards him. For the first time, he feels weak around someone, but in a way, it’s a good feeling. He wants to be able to be vulnerable, be weak, and not have anything to fear by doing so.

He’s lucid, though, so he doesn’t expect you to love him immediately. As he’s not good with words or displays of affection, he’ll get you all sorts of gifts. Rare items that you wonder how the hell he obtained them, beautifully crafted little trinkets from all his searching and time traveling, more clothes than you could ever wear. You’ll start to feel a little guilty, it’s so much, and you’re certain he doesn’t have that much money. He’ll blow it off, say it’s no big deal, but if you insist, he’ll have to start finding new ways to convey his affection. In captivity, he won’t stop trying, but he’ll understand why you might be angry. In that case, he will utilize what he’s learned from research in books he’s read. He knows that eventually, with him being the only one you have, the only company, the only one to talk to, the only source of touch, you’ll eventually have to cave. You’ll become attached to him, bond with him, whether you like it or not. He knows how powerful the affect of touch can be, and will make sure to hold you in his arms, keep you on his lap, make you crave the only source of human touch you can get. Dependency, he thinks, is the gateway to you loving him.

Bonus: Is there anything that makes them unique, in comparison to other yanderes?

Drawings. So many of them. Much like his drawings he uses in notes, he’s found he tends to start scribbling a familiar face when his mind drifts off. He’s memorized every little detail of your face, every curve on your body. If you’re ever snooping around, you’ll eventually uncover a book of sketches he has solely dedicated to drawings of you. Drawings of you laughing, smiling, sleeping, drawings that you’re certain were of real events you were at, that you didn’t remember him being at. Every bit in perfect detail. If you confront him about it, he’ll be horrifically embarrassed, insisting they’re no good, or, if you’re upset, trying to reassure you it was all from his mind and totally not him lurking in the shadows as he watches you.

Also, if you want to make him happy, get him on one of his spiels about his work, his interests, anything that he can catch onto and go on and on about. He’ll catch himself rambling and apologize for being “annoying,” but if you reassure him, and express interest, that will make him feel particularly appreciated. It would be a primary way to get on his good side and manipulate him, or lull him into false security to make your escape, if that’s what you’re looking to do. But be warned, it will only work once, and he’ll be far too hurt to let himself indulge in sharing these things with you again.

General perverseness: how sexual of a person are they? What’s their drive like? How touchy do they get? Do they have any reservations about sexuality?

Publicly, definitely highly reserved. He’s easily flustered, and thinks of sex in a very scientific way, for the purpose of procreation. For fun? He knows it’s enjoyable, but can’t separate it from his very analytic, scientific way of viewing things. It’s a formula, you touch this here and pull that there, and the result is supposed to be orgasmic bliss. He just isn’t very familiar with pleasure – he doesn’t drag out masturbation, even, as that would be a waste of time. He gets it over with quickly, taking short breaks during his work. He is a fairly high drive, though, and gets the urge fairly frequently, about once or twice a day.

He’ll be hornier with your presence, having to leave more frequently to get off to the little things you do, quickly getting himself off while recalling the mental image of you holding a pen in your mouth, the little moan when you stretch, the way your clothes fit to your frame.

Prior to abduction, he’s not particularly touchy at all, in fact, he’s very jumpy if you touch him. Once he’s gotten you alone with him for the foreseeable future, isolated, dependent, he’ll gain more confidence, be willing to give into his cravings to touch you, hold you, eventually progressing to groping you, moving his hands up and down your body, under your clothes, slowly peeling them off.

He’s initially a bit ashamed of his urges towards you, feels guilty every time he gets off to you, but will likewise gain more confidence once you're his.

A guy can only fight off the urge for so long before he cracks, before he can’t continue to care about the consequences. For him, that point is when he knows he finally has you all to himself – his worries fade, and while the guilt is still there, it’s far outweighed by desire.

How forceful are they? Do they care about your willingness?

He does care, but as stated previously, it’s hard to fight the urge for so long. It will be torture, but for the first few days, he wants you to “adjust” to your new “home,” and not add to your panic. After that, though, he’ll try to assess your reactions. If you’re extremely resistant, he’ll give you more “adjustment” time. He can’t really hold off forever, though, and eventually, maybe a few weeks in, comes to the conclusion that if he just does what he wants, so long as he’s gentle and reminds you he loves you, it will help you get past the mental barrier in your mind. He’s convinced there’s simply a psychological issue, and that sometimes, people need a push. It’s like having a friend who can’t swim – sometimes, you just have to throw them into the water, help them get over that mental hurdle, and they’ll be grateful in the end. That’s what he tells himself to justify it, anyway. He has enough… anatomical prerequisite knowledge to know what’s good and what’s bad, and will take your body’s positive reactions as a sign of what you really want. Is definitely the kind to use that against you, holding up his fingers to your face after you cum on them, as if to prove a point.

“See? I told you, you just have to let go and give in to what you want… if you didn’t, my fingers wouldn’t be dripping like this, now would they?”

What sort of kinks or fetishes do they have, or would they fill?

He wants to experiment on you. This manifests as him being something of a service top without really intending to be, even if you’re not exactly happy about it. He likes to watch your reactions, watch the way your body moves, test the pleasure you get from different things, discover what it is that you like, even if you weren’t aware of it. In particular, he’s fascinated by the fact that girls have so many types of orgasms. He’ll want to try them all, watch and see which ones are more intense than others, which ones make you convulse, makes your toes curl, your eyes roll back. Which erogenous zones make your breath hitch, make you twitch and whimper. Probably the type to be determined that he can make you cum just from something like sucking on your nipples, and he won’t stop until he achieves it. He’ll also want to try everything. At least anything that he thinks has some potential to appeal to him, mentally. He’s a busy man and hasn’t really taken the time to explore his own sexuality, and has virtually zero experience.

Edging, overstimulation, forced orgasms

Experimentation also means testing limits and thresholds. He’ll bring you up to the edge, learn to watch for the slightest of signs that you’re close, listen to your breath, watch your face, wait until you’re just so close and then draw back, stopping just short of letting you catch that high. Then he’ll let you drift back down, and bring you back up again. No amount of begging will make him show you any mercy, you’ll only cum when he’s decided he’s observed enough. He wants to push the limit, see just how close to the edge of orgasm you can get without spilling over, just how much it takes to drive you insane. He’ll also want to see how far you can go after it as well. Orgasm won’t be the end of his ministrations, no, he wants to see how much stimulation you can take. You won’t be able to get away from his tongue, he’ll grab you by the hips and slam you back down, continuing to lap at you even if you’re so sensitive it’s painful. Watching you cum will just make him rut into you harder, bruising and abusing your insides to a point that they’re so sore you can feel it long after it’s over. At first, he might feel a little guilty, and may very well after it’s over, but in the heat of the moment, he can’t fight the insatiable urge to listen to you squeal, feel you convulse, watch the tears from overwhelming pleasure run down your face.

He’ll make it his personal mission to see how many orgasms the female body is capable of within a given amount of time - per day, per hour, how quickly you can have them in succession. For scientific purposes, of course. Anatomy and human biology isn’t really his main field of focus, but he likes to expand his research horizons.

“Just one more… cum one more time for me, then we’ll be done. Come on… I know you can, just one more.”

How do they feel about pregnancy or babies? Do they want them?

He’s actually good with children, usually. He has a calming effect on kids. He isn’t sure how he feels, though. To some degree, he fears his capabilities to parent, thinks he would be too cold to be a good father. But he also likes the idea of a protege, an heir to his title, one he can teach everything he knows. If he does end up having one, this fucking nerd man will read every book on pregnancy, birthing, and parenting that he can get his hands on.

Also, he’ll absolutely be one to track your cycles, even better than you can. He’s researched enough to know exactly when you’re most or least likely to get pregnant, and you can’t help but notice how much more he seems to cum in you when you’re at your most fertile. Nor can he deny how satisfying it is to watch his cum slowly drip out of you, watching you twitch with aftershock and slowly drift off in exhaustion.

What kind of (nsfw) punishments would they use?

Unfortunately for you, since overstimulation and edging are already normal and everyday for you, he’ll have to amp it up a bit if he’s trying to make you regret something. He might get rougher, abusing more pleasure spots on your body, keeping his hands, mouth, and cock occupied all at once with driving you over the edge until it’s painful. But if you’re exceptionally misbehaved, you might not ever get a release to his edging, instead left to suffer from being so close, tied up so you can’t finish yourself off.

In moments when he’s really, truly angry, the peak of it, and that blends with arousal, he’ll really, really throatfuck you. Grabbing the back of your head and shoving his cock down as deep as he can, holding you there as you gag and choke, feeling your throat convulse around him, desperately trying to pull back for air. The movements are harsh and brutal, pulling harshly on your hair, moving at a pace so fast you barely have a second to breathe. Thankfully, when it gets like that, he won’t last long, emptying out into your throat, holding your jaw shut and demanding you swallow. If any spills off on your chin, he’ll gather it up on his fingers, hold it to your face, and command you to open your mouth, suck it off, and swallow again. That’s at the peak of his anger, though, and you’ll have to substantially piss him off to reach that point. He’ll apologize later, holding you close, but his guilt doesn’t change the fact that it’s one of the most intense orgasms that he’ll have, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t sometimes think of doing it again, even without provocation. He’s restrained enough not to, but the thought is there… and deep down, he’ll entertain the idea.

What body parts of their darling do they like the most?

The curves of your body, no matter how defined or faint they are, no matter the general shape of your body, to him it’s the most beautiful thing. He’ll definitely want to draw you, even if you’re not too keen on posing. He’ll run his hands up and down your body, squeezing every little bit of flesh he can, moving his palms over every little curve, every inch of your skin.

[tiredbiostudent]

i love seeing your posts it's very motivating. if you dont mind me asking, do you have any advice for studying (or tricks you use for urself) ((it's v vague sorry))!!!

hi, thank you! honestly I am absolutely awful at studying but I will try to provide some helpful tips:

1. watching university vloggers always makes me feel more motivated to do work! my favourites atm are nayna florence, moya mawhinney, paigeyy (her old cambridge vlogs bc I think she’s graduated now), linh truong, and may gao 2. I have a really hard time getting started so sometimes you just need to be like alright I can at LEAST open up this pdf or assignment. and I can at LEAST create a new word document and write out what I have to do. and occasionally this tricks your brain into actually starting ;) 3. when you plan a study schedule, give yourself at least one free day where you have nothing planned bc at least for me I will absolutely need it. don’t cram your days full of unrealistic things to do! 4. take advantage of your productive moods, but also don’t be too hard on yourself when you’re feeling super tired or burnt out or unproductive. you can also try and flip your productivity switch on (tho this is hit or miss) by doing less taxing stuff like going on a walk, making your bed, watering your plants- any task that makes you feel like you’re accomplishing something 5. have a hobby and life outside of school. easier said than done, but this will really help alleviate the stress and anxiety you feel when something goes wrong academically and that’s the only “important” thing you feel like you have in life. take time for yourself to learn new things, relax, spend time with friends, be in nature, exercise. all about balance baby! 6. study based on what your exam will test you on. if it’s short answer, study the material but also practice writing out example answers. if it’s matching labels to diagrams, practice that! go beyond just writing out your notes, try and fit your studying method to the format of your test. it helps s o much. 7. similarly, ALWAYS DO THE REVIEW QUESTIONS. if you have no time to do anything else, DO THESE!!! I’ve been burned so many times because I feel obligated to retype out all my notes (bc I have to have everything altogether) and run out of time to do the practice questions my prof gives, and those are always the most relevant to what you’ll be tested on. hell, do these before anything else. cannot stress this enough lol!!!! 8. don’t do the readings unless you NEED to or it helps you learn. otherwise it’s a waste of time (and money for a textbook!) imo 9. switch up where you study. unfortunately this isn’t really feasible right now but I find I’m most productive at the library- at your university (if you go) try to find your favourite study spots, and have a few you can cycle through! for me it’s the lifesci commons, law library and the comp sci building because they’re chill, productive atmospheres (as opposed to the SUB or the health sci building, which are too loud and too intense respectively) 10. keep your phone out of sight lol. and get one of those browser locks like forest to dissuade you from getting distracted. for me it’s more of a split second compulsion to check and once there’s a barrier in my way I’m like oh. nvm. 11. my personal note-taking method is taking written notes in lecture of anything important that’s not on the slides. usually your prof will emphasize the important of a topic too! but if they don’t, pay attention to what they’re spending a lot of time going over. after class I’ll add my written notes to the lecture to supplement it and better explain everything we covered. (for virtual lectures, I basically have the slides open in one half of my screen and the lecture in the other and type notes onto the slides as it plays) 12. practice explaining concepts to yourself out loud- this is a great way to see if you’ve actually understood the material! if you can do this once solidly, you’re good to go and it’ll stick in your brain for a while. 13. also try and make connections between topics you’ve covered because often this is what profs like to ask about on exams (cough ~synthesis~). for instance, recognizing that keratin composes tissues in birds, mammals, reptiles, etc. 14. if you’ve been working hard or having a stressful time buy yourself a nice warm drink because you deserve it! :) 15. this one’s a little weird but if you need to remember something like what the foundational traits of vertebrates are, focus on memorizing how many you need to know! if I know there’s 6 of something I need to remember, it makes recalling them SO much easier 16. if you’ve been sitting down studying for a while take a break to just jump tf around your room. you could also go on a walk I guess but jumping is more fun. 17. it’s good to get a reminder of why you’re in school and what makes you passionate about what you’re studying to drive you to keep going. for me I love to watch nature documentaries or go on hikes or look through field guidebooks or read really neat academic papers :) 18. for the love of god please get enough sleep.

I also have a whole tag of #study tips that is 1000% more helpful than what I can provide so definitely take a look through there! good luck, you got this :) ps sorry this got so long winded lol I hope it helps!

[pamouche]

Thanks again @nbrook29 for tagging me, it was great fun to do it (I actually selected only the part that fit me) but if some of you writer/reader want to do it in full, here is the link. So I tag those who want to do it !

if you’re a reader:

a fic (or more) that you love to reread:

Paper rings by @wlwharrys #myfav

Everything by @foxsake5 especially this headcanon for Sobbe as parents

This one made me cry recently. by @problyshldntbewritingafanficnow

Trying something else by Lwritings

-> Robbe tops Sander for the first time.

You're my favorite person, Robin by @nbrook29

-> Sander introduces Robbe to his high school friends. Unfortunately, things don't go too well.

Not gonna lie all the fics by @ayellowcurtain but I have a problem with I'm taken, sorry I spend my time rereading it

-> drunk!Robbe can't believe Sander is his boyfriend.

we will only love each other as forever, when i live my dream by @honeyandsinn

-> a family trip to the supermarket is much sweeter than you'd think

recommend a story to your followers:

Tracing Time by @peaceoutofthepieces

-> how I would imagine the first week of a Sander season.

Carrying the Moon by @maade-of-stardust

-> Something happens at the beginning of their last year at the university. Sander takes a life-changing decision.

Wings to earn by @starryfreckles

-> After playing volleyball abroad for two years, Sander comes back home to fix his mistake of leaving in the first place, but Robbe isn't ready to forgive him.

Ace of hearts by @robbesdriesen

-> Academic Rivals!AU where Robbe and Sander haven’t been on the best terms since primary school, entwined between debate competitions and striving to beat the other. At least, that’s what they believed for so long, hiding their true feelings for one another behind a lock and key. It isn’t until their senior year of high school that things begin to unravel, and unravel they do.

tag an author you discovered recently:

Very recently it is @azozzoni. Go read !! It is written super well and this person is currently doing prompts on Sobbe, Elu, Vds, Nicotino...

tag someone who you’ve admired forever:

Literally all writers. I admire you all and all of your beautiful fics! I'd like to thank you all so much, one by one, will I ever succeed one day? Idk ahaha. But thanks a lot to you writers who read this post.

[drawlfoy]

Detention, Retention, and Draco Being a Lying Shit -- Halloweek Day 2!

catch up on part 1 on my masterlist

request guidelines (in case you were thinking of it ;))

want to be tagged?

pairing: draco x reader

request?  nope

summary: 2 months of detention with Draco Malfoy might be a pain for Y/N, but Harry has other plans.

warnings: swearing, underage drinking (of course not endorsed by me...of course)

a/n: soooo things in my life have gotten a little crazy in the past 48 hours. you may have been wondering where part 2 was yesterday and while this post sums it up best, i’ll take a crack at explaining it here. my relationship got pretty messy and things have been a roller coaster ever since monday night my time. i try and be someone who can separate her emotions from her work but these past two days have made me realize how much my mood impacts everything :/ it isn’t my intention to lead you guys on at all and i want to keep writing this piece, but i apologize in advance if this doesn’t finish itself by friday. anyways, enough blather on my behalf. thanks to anyone who made it through this--you guys mean so much more to me than you know. i hope you enjoy.

tags! @gruffle1 @missmulti @cleopatera @hahaboop @accio-rogers @geeksareunique @eltanin-malfoy @war-sword @cams-lynn @itsivyberry @ayo-cowbelly @nerd-domland @yesnerdsblog @shizarianathania @evanstanfanatic @strawberriesonsummer @hariosborn @night-ving @straightzoinked @imintoodeeptostop @naomimoonshard @jejegu @ophelia-enthusiast @shadyrose66622 @alwaysbeanunknownfan

word count: 1.3k

The plan they laid out over the remainder of the day was ambitious but at least do-able. Each week was split into different subtasks, the end goal being a somewhat tentative friendship between the two. 

“If you can flirt with him and get him to have a crush on you without scaring him off, you’d be in the best possible position,” Hermione told her as they walked back from the Quidditch pitch among the screaming Gryffindor fans. They’d won--yet again. “Obviously I don’t foresee that being likely, but if you pull it off somehow he’d probably be willing to tell you anything. The fact that you’re a pureblood is going to carry you through this whole ordeal. He’ll at least be accepting of your existence in the wizarding community.”

The bitter edge in Hermione’s tone made Y/N’s blood boil. There was no reason for Malfoy to be as prejudiced as he was--he’d spent his adolescence in Hermione’s academic dust. She was obviously smarter than him. 

“You got it, ‘Mione,” she said. Her voice barely carried over the cheers of her peers as they ascended the steps to the common room. “We’ll take this little ferret down. I can’t wait.”

“Don’t get too cocky, now.”

The Gryffindor after-party was crazy...per usual. The charmed self-filling goblets, the blasted playlist of Wizpop pumping through the air, and the buzzing energy of the room was giving Y/N a giant headache. She stood with Hermione and Harry by the edge of the crowd, watching Ron get hoisted up on the shoulders of the chasers. 

“No wonder the Slytherins think we’re Neanderthals,” Y/N mused. For once, Hermione didn’t respond. “Hermione? Is everything okay?”

The second she turned away to look at her best friend, gasps and whistles filled the room. She whipped back just in time to see Lavender Brown, a sweet but slightly ditzy girl in their year, pull away from a kiss with Ron.

“Oh shi--Hermione!”

Harry and Y/N shared a glance before darting after the witch--who had impressively already made it to the door. 

“Hermione, wait!” Y/N called as they jogged after her, throwing open the common room entrance and finding her sat by the tapestry on the other side of the hall, knees to her chest.

“‘Mione, what’s wrong?” asked Harry.

“Don’t be daft, Harry,” said Y/N. “You saw exactly what the rest of us did.”

“I don’t understa--”

“Harry.” Her voice was taut. “I know you’re just trying to help, but I think that it might be best if you let us be. Go back and enjoy the party.”

He gave her a tight, grateful smile before darting back through the door. Y/N wasted no more time in walking over to Hermione and throwing her arms around her shoulders.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, hugging her tight. Hermione made no move to detach them, so she continued. “Ron is an idiot. You deserve so much better--your first kiss was Viktor fucking Krum, after all. You’re hot stuff and this place is just unfortunately running dry of men who are impressive enough for you. Once you’re out of here and working in the Ministry, you’re gonna have the time of your life with men actually in your league.”

Hermione managed a sniffly laugh as she wiped her eyes with her sleeve. “It’s just so fucking embarrassing, you know. Like, I have a crush on him because I think he understands me and I smelled him in my Amortentia and I thought he’d like me back, but…” She hiccuped. “Then he goes off and kisses Lavender Brown, of all people. There’s nothing particularly wrong with her or anything, but she’s so different...I’m so bookish, and she’s so girly and everything I’m not…”

Y/N took the opportunity to tuck a lock of Hermione’s hair behind her ear as she listened.

“And it can’t help but make me think--was I ever anything to him but a friend? If the girl he ends up choosing is the opposite of me?”

“Girly, don’t think like that,” murmured Y/N. “He’s a teenage boy. They don’t think of love the way that we do--to them it’s a game of availability, not of choice. At least for Ronald. You intimidate him, and by extension, you’re not available.”

“That shouldn’t matter!”

“You’re right. It shouldn’t.” Y/N drew a long breath. “So you should find someone who always has you as their first choice--someone who isn’t intimidated by your intellect. They’re out there. I promise.”

Hermione managed a shaky smile. “Thanks, Y/N. I mean it. Do you mind if I have some alone time? I don’t think I’m ready to go back to the party but I just want some quiet.”

“Of course. Let me know if you need me,” she said, brushing herself off and making to walk down the hall.

“You’re not going back to the party?”

“Nah. It hurts my head and I want fresh air. If I’m not back here in a half hour, assume that I’ve been kidnapped.”

With that, she started her walk. She wasn’t planning on going on a long stroll--there was a small balcony that she often went to when she needed to clear her head. It was beautiful, especially on a snowy night like this.

But the walk was creepy.

There was only one way in and out--a narrow, damp hallway that had absolutely no light fixtures. If Y/N really wanted to, she could cast a quick lumos, but she wasn’t sure if she wanted to see what lived on the walls. The stairs were steep, too, but she managed to bound up all 40 of them in record time. 

“Who’s there?”

The sudden voice ripped a scream out of Y/N’s throat as she reached the top, catching a glimpse of the shadowy figure at the edge of the balcony that spoke. She clasped her hand over her mouth and she crept forward to the opening, getting a better look at the person that was in her secret spot.

The clouds shifted in the sky to allow more moonlight to cast a soft glow on Malfoy’s face, hardened with irritation.

“Malfoy?” Y/N asked, rather dumbly.

“What stellar observational skills,” he drawled. 

She felt her cheeks grow hot. “What are you doing here? This is part of the Gryffindor tower. Shouldn’t you be...I don’t know...playing hide and seek with the sewer rats in the dungeons?”

“Very funny.” His flat tone exposed the fact that he did not, in fact, find it very funny. “There’s no rule barring me from coming up here.”

“But why? This is my spot!”

“Because I wanted to get out. Now, I was here first, so unless you want your detention extended, I suggest you leave.”

Y/N bit the fiery comebacks on the tip of her tongue as the memories of her plan with Hermione began floating back to her. 

Week 1 -- Hold one neutral, civil conversation with Malfoy.

“I’ll be quiet. You won’t even know I’m here,” Y/N decided upon. leaning up against the balcony. The rogue snowflakes that made it past the overhanging roof melted on her cheeks. 

“That isn’t a suggestion,” said Malfoy. “I’m demanding you leave.”

“Beautiful night, isn’t it?” Y/N asked, pointedly ignoring his words. “I’ve always loved the snow. It’s so quiet.”

“And it would be even quieter if you left.”

“Aren’t you the conversationalist?” said Y/N.

“If you don’t leave, I will hex you,” Malfoy told her through gritted teeth. 

“I just love how the moonlight reflects off of the snow,” continued Y/N. “It’s so...pure.”

“Please leave.”

On her walk back down the dank stairwell, she allowed herself a little smile. 

Task 1? Technically done.

final a/n: haven’t done one of these in a while! anyways, i hope you guys enjoyed! i have a luttle more written for part 3 so hopefully i’ll have that out tomorrow too :) let me know what you thought! do you guys think that, even if this is a draco x reader pairing, he’ll ever really tell her what his 6th year task is? i’m curius >:)

[allmightluver]

First lines meme

Ooo! 😲 thank you for the tag @justanotherfoolhere !!

Rules: List the first lines of your last 20 stories (if you have less than 20 just list them all!) See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening lines. Tag 10 authors!

I’m incredibly shy so if you would like to do this, I tag you!!

Ah I have some old stories from old fandoms (or side fandoms I should say), but as for MHA, most of my stories are just wips right now. I have approximately 5-6 stories in the works right now, however 3 are just thoughts yet, not written out, 1-2 are RP’s with another person that I’m not sure if I have the ability to share yet 😅, 1 is....extremely, well...NSFW 🙈 even the first line asfkgkka I’m not going to do that one, you’ll just have to read it on ao3 when it’s done 😖

However! I do have a massive story that’s been in the works for over a year now (atm it’s around 57,800 words), I’ve actually gotten stuck on it half way through and a friend is helping me by rping those parts with me. If anyone remembers from forever ago, I talked about writing a story about Toshinori actually becoming addicted to his painkillers, and overdosing during class, that’s this story. I have a good chunk of this written, so to make up for my lack of stories, I’ll post a few paragraphs of the beginning! (I hope that’s ok! 🙈)

((I should note, I don’t normally rp, the ones I’ve done are just with a close friend or two))

So, here’s a few paragraphs of what I’ve been calling “Painkiller” under the read more...

Eyelids sluggishly rise. Each blink seems to be getting slower and slower. And he’s still talking. How the soft furred mammal at the front of their table can speak for hours at a time without so much as a break is a superhuman feat. Of course, the principal isn’t human at all, which probably is how he can accomplish it.

Black eyes glance at the clock on the wall across from him. 1:50 p.m. This was supposed to be a short meeting. A quick briefing on the school’s protection and security upgrades. This is also the time to give feedback on how the procedures seem to be working. It had started during their lunch break at 12:30 p.m., and it’s still dragging on. Snipe as well as a few other teachers that have classes to teach at this time are absent, but the rest of the available staff are present.

Shota massages his eyelids, refraining from gritting his teeth against the stinging, and promptly tipping his head back to apply his eye drops. They’re almost gone, he’ll have to get a refill from Recovery Girl. Shota lowers his head once again, black locks falling back over his face.

He’s exhausted. A full night on patrol and then the morning teaching at UA. He’s done for the day after this, and all he wants is to sleep. He’ll still have to check in with Eri to be sure she’s been ok throughout the day, before he can collapse on his bed. 

Eri was still adjusting to living at UA, but seemed to be doing well so far. When he couldn’t be with her, she had another teacher or staff member watching her. Thankfully, there hasn’t been an instance with her quirk going out of control. Yet. He hopes to keep it that way. She’s just starting school, but slowly. She has a lot of learning in just living before she can worry much about academic intelligence. But Shota has no concerns of her being able to catch up to her age and grade level. Eri’s proven to be smarter than they’ve given her credit for. Perhaps wiser in some ways than a kid her age should have to be.

Shota usually teachers her in his spare time. His hero work has decreased due to his stacking responsibilities. Last night was the first in close to a month, and he can feel in his sore muscles that it’s been too long. Thankfully, he can rest tonight, but if Nezu didn’t hurry this conference up he’s going to be pulling another all-nighter. The temptation to pull out his sleeping bag and snooze in the chair he sits is becoming harder to resist.

Shota’s gaze moves across the room at the other occupants.

Mic sits to his right, closest to Nezu. The man’s listening, but one can see the bored expression on his face as he picks at his painted nails.

Midnight across the table seems a bit more focused. Her arms rest on her lap as she listens to the white animal, adding in her thoughts every now and then.

Cementoss and Ectoplasm sit next to her, both relatively silent.

Shota’s eyes flick to the chair next to his left before moving to the closed door at the room’s entrance.

Yagi had been here as well. A few minutes ago, he had politely excused himself from the room and had yet to reappear.

Maybe he made a break for it, Shota thinks with envy. Though he knows it’s a lie.

It wasn’t an uncommon occurrence for the Number One Hero to duck out of meetings and public places for short periods of time. No one questioned him on it, assuming he had business calls or the like. He was All Might after all, and surely a very busy man.

But now the Symbol of Peace is dead, and still the brief intermissions continue. In fact, they’re increasing in frequency. Shota has high doubts about the possibility of impromptu hero phone calls from the man’s agency, but doesn’t dwell on it.

Everyone, even All Might, has secrets. It isn’t Shota’s job to nose his way into everyone’s personal life.

His sore eyes blink in mild surprise when the door he had been focusing on slides open, and the man in his thoughts shyly stoops his head under the doorway to enter back into the room. Yagi closes the door again and takes his place beside Shota, moving quietly to attempt not to draw attention to himself. But it’s a wasted effort; whenever he’s present, all eyes immediately are drawn to him. Plus, it’s hard to ignore a 7 foot man.

Shota turns away, attempting to refocus on whatever their eccentric principal is speaking about.

For a while, the meeting draws on as usual, Nezu doing most of the talking and the other teachers providing input as they see fit. The way the conversation is leading, it seems like things are starting to wrap up. Finally. The last class of the day starts at 2:20 p.m. and that doesn’t leave much leeway room for any teachers that need prep time.

Shota leans back with a silent sigh through his nose, crossing his arms. The sooner this is over, the sooner he can go check on Eri back at the dorms, and the sooner he can crash. Thinking about anything other is too hard to concentrate on.

Through his sleepy fog, something moves in his peripheral vision. Instinctually looking over to his left, he notices the lanky man next to him has wilted in posture, much like a plant with no water. The haze in Shota’s brain clears only slightly, having something more interesting to observe.

Now actually taking the time to study the other, Shota notices the haphazard blonde mane looks messier than normal. Yagi’s long, sinewy hands are placed comfortably on his lap, though a subtle tremble is running through his frame. A sheen of sweat is starting to form above his brow. Though his eyes remain fixed on the principal, the unfocused haze in the cyan pools gives Shota the impression Yagi isn’t paying attention. The normally bright irises are dull and almost completely hidden in the surrounding black sclera.

He looks pale. Must be sick. Shota lets his attention drift back to Nezu. Toshinori Yagi is a grown adult; he can take care of himself. If he doesn’t feel well, he’ll go home. These thoughts stubbornly go through Shota’s mind just before another pushes itself in.

He remembers the tall man entering the teacher’s lounge only two days after the Kamino incident. Yagi had been completely wrapped in bandages, bruises and stitched up cuts littering his body, and one arm was in a sling. Everyone had expected him to still be in the hospital, and not back to UA for at least a week, maybe two.

Shota recalls the other teachers chastising the ex-hero and trying to convince him to go home, to rest. Yagi had politely smiled, one that made Shota’s teeth grind at the obvious artificial gesture. The smile didn’t reach his eyes, only present to soothe their worries.  But Yagi thanked them for their concern. Even then, their coworkers had tried to assist him in any way possible. He had always insisted he was fine, respectfully refusing their help. It became hard for their colleagues to accept when it was obvious the injured man was struggling with even the simplest tasks.

Recovery Girl had made frequent appearances, much to Yagi’s dismay. It was unfortunate his body couldn’t handle her quirk, and he had to heal naturally, so she made it her job to monitor him. She didn’t even try to deny she was only there to check in on him, to make sure he was behaving himself, at least to the miniscule level she could except from Toshinori. She was always disappointed, and expressed so outright. But she could do little to sway him in his own self-care habits, and he always waved her off with another deceptive smile.

If he had forced his straining, overworked, body to comply during that time, what’s stopping him from teaching his class in 15 minutes?

More movement next to him puts Shota’s thoughts on pause. Dark eyes flick over to the older man, being as inconspicuous about his spying as possible. With the black hair covering his face, most people probably can’t tell where he’s looking anyway, and he’s not moving his head at all.

One of Yagi’s arms slowly lifts to his face, resting his sharp elbow on the table. The large and scarred hand covers his mouth, baring his bony wrist and too-thin arm as his sleeve slides down a few inches. The pose might be meant to look like he’s simply resting his chin, gaze still locked on Nezu like he’s listening intently. But sitting this close to him, Shota can see how the tremors in his body have increased, sweat starting to run down the deep crevices of his face in tiny rivers. The glazed over look in those black eyes has been replaced by one subtly emitting a fight or flight expression.

Shota frowns. He’s gonna barf. The pro briefly wonders if he should use his capture weapon to grab the trash can in the corner of the room to prevent a mess on the carpet, or worse, the table.

Before he can act, Yagi’s chair abruptly slides backwards as the retired hero wrenches his body up, fumbles with the door handle, and rushes out of the room as quickly as his unstable limbs can carry him. He barely manages to slam the sliding door shut behind him before he’s out of everyone’s sight, the hasty squeaks of his shoes on the tile floor growing more and more distant.

Nezu pauses at the sudden outburst, all the room’s occupants staring at where All Might had disappeared. The feel of concern weighs heavily in the atmosphere.

Although Yagi had often left before, he always excused himself quietly or snuck away when the attention wasn’t on him. Something this dramatic has never happened.

-----

And we’ll leave it there for now! This is still a wip remember, so things may be changed here and there, but I hope this makes up for my lack of other stories!

[bubonickitten]

Fic summary: Jon goes back to before the world ended and tries to forge a different path.

Chapter summary: The process(es) of resigning from a terrible, no good, very bad assistant position.

Previous chapter: AO3 // tumblr

Full chapter text & content warnings below the cut.

Content warnings for Chapter 22: discussions of eye-gouging/eye horror (not graphic); brief mentions of spiders/arachnophobia; anxiety/panic symptoms; lots of dissociation/dpdr; Peter Lukas being a manipulative shit; Lonely-typical content (including fear of abandonment & some abysmal self-esteem on Martin’s part); allusions to police violence & Hunt-related themes (re: Daisy’s past actions); swears. SPOILERS through Season 5.

Chapter 22: Resignation

Georgie paces in a slow circle, alternating between biting her nails and picking at her bottom lip – entirely immersed in her own thoughts, judging from the faraway look in her eyes. Jon hasn’t seen her this overwrought since the last depressive episode he witnessed. Just watching her is enough to make his chest tighten with vicarious unrest.

Wary of contributing to a vicious feedback loop between the two of them with his own customary pacing and handwringing, he forces himself to keep his knees locked and hands at his sides. Still, he can’t help rubbing his fingertips together and rocking minutely on the balls of his feet.

“Why don’t we sit?” Jon finally interjects, wincing when it comes out more curtly than he intended – more like a command than a suggestion, but luckily without any accompanying static.

Be mindful, he silently chides himself: being on edge like this only makes him more susceptible to accidental compulsion.

“What if something goes wrong?” Georgie whispers. Jon doubts she even heard him beneath her nervous refrain. “What if –”

“Georgie?” Jon tries again. No response. He steps into her path and places a hand on her shoulder. “Georgie.”

“What?” Georgie raises her head, but she isn’t looking at him so much as she’s looking through him.

“I think you should sit down?”

“What?” Georgie says again, sounding utterly lost. Her eyes are darting around the room now, as if she doesn’t recognize her surroundings.

How the tables have turned, Jon thinks grimly.

“Come on,” he says, taking her hand and guiding her to the nearest chair. She offers no resistance, trailing behind him like a flagging balloon. When he presses on her shoulder to coax her into a sitting position, she goes easily. Keeping hold of her hand, he drags another chair closer to her and takes a seat.

Okay. Now what?

Jon jiggles his leg as he wracks his brain for the right thing to say. She deserves more than handholding and awkward silence, but soothing words have never come naturally to him.

“Do you, ah… do you want to talk about it?” Jon cringes at his faltering delivery. “I’m sorry, I’m – I’m still not very good at this,” he adds with a self-deprecating laugh – then immediately shuts his eyes, kicking himself. Why are his attempts to relate to others always so clumsy and – and weirdly self-centered? “I mean –”

“I’m scared,” Georgie blurts out.

“You… what?” Jon tilts his head. “But I thought – you don’t feel –”

“Fear?” Her clipped, brittle laugh dies in her throat. “No, I don’t. And that’s exactly the problem, isn’t it?”

Jon strokes the back of her hand with one thumb, but remains silent. She always elaborates on her own time, given some space to order her thoughts.

“I don’t feel… terror,” she says slowly. “After I had my… encounter, I did a lot of research on how the brain works. Trying to understand what was happening to me, you know?”

Jon nods. He’s intimately familiar with that urge. As a child, he went through a spider phase, as his grandmother called it, obsessively seeking out any information he could on them, hoping even then that he could conquer his fear if only he could see the world through a detached, academic lens. There were plenty of academic odes to the spider to be found; no shortage of enamored arachnologists waxing poetic about the wonders of evolution and the vital role that arachnids play in their particular ecological niches.

Unfortunately, a phobia – especially one arising from acute trauma – tends to be resistant to reason and reality. His obsession only ever yielded heart palpitations and lucid nightmares. Despite that failure, he never stopped clinging to that idea that if only he could know everything there was to know about a thing, he could finally scrape together some semblance of control over his fear.

In many ways, that fixation is exactly what drew him to the Magnus Institute.

Unless the Spider really was pulling the strings all along, he thinks, and then: No, we are not going there.

“As far as I can tell,” Georgie continues, “my sympathetic nervous system still functions. I can still experience all the physiological aspects of sympathetic arousal – and fear is only one possible trigger for those sorts of responses. What’s missing is my capacity to interpret those responses through the lens of fear. To emotionally process or identify them as fear.

“I can still experience anxiety, to an extent – or something close to it. But mostly in the context of worrying about others, being scared for them. I mean, I can feel apprehensive about the possibility of experiencing pain or loss or failure myself, I have a stake in my continued existence, I can recognize danger, but sometimes it feels… I don’t know – mechanical, almost? There’s just always the feeling of something missing. Something important. And there are times when I feel that void more acutely.”

“Like now.”

“Yeah.” Georgie looks away, chewing her lip in silence.

“I’m listening,” Jon coaxes, sensing that there’s more she’s holding back.

“It’s just… hard to feel like a full person sometimes, you know?” Georgie says helplessly. “I worry sometimes that it – I don’t know, does a disservice, I guess, to the people I care about? Like no matter how much I love someone, it isn’t… complete? Or – genuine, in the right way? It’s – hard to find words that actually describe it. There are times when it feels like I’ve lost something vital that made me human, that made me me, and it’s… difficult to reconcile who I was – who I could have been – with who I am now.”

“That I understand,” Jon says softly.

“I know.” Jon wishes he was less familiar with the sad smile she gives him just then. “It’s just… I remember a time when I would have been terrified of all this. Not just worried, or upset about someone I care about being hurt, or devastated by the prospect of losing someone I love. Terrified. And knowing what I should be feeling – what I would have felt at some point – is… it’s unnerving. There’s a void there that shouldn’t be there. It’s like… having part of you gouged out and left hollow. An absence that’s so present it’s almost visceral.” She frowns. “Does that make any sense?”

“In my future I had a Flesh Avatar reach into my chest and wrench out two of my ribs, so… yes, actually.”

Georgie blinks several times, then laughs breathlessly. “Do I even want to know?”

“Probably not.” Jon returns a cautious smile, but the levity evaporates after a few seconds. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think that you don’t have to have access to the full spectrum of human emotion in order to count as human. And I don’t think any of this makes your concern for others any less heartfelt, or – or comforting. You might not be the same person you were before you were marked, but that doesn’t make you any lesser as a person.”

“You should try applying that metric to yourself sometime,” she replies, not unkindly.

“It’s –”

“Don’t say it’s different,” she cuts in. “Just… keep it in mind, okay?”

“I’ll, uh… I’ll try.” Georgie nods, but says nothing. Jon grips her hand a little tighter. “Listen, I – I know you’re worried for Melanie, but I think it’s going to be alright? I can’t predict the future –well, I have knowledge of one possible future, but that’s because I lived it. I don’t have any precognitive abilities, or anything like that. But… it turned out okay last time.”

Until I jump-started an apocalypse –

Jon reins in the thought before it can gain momentum. Georgie doesn’t need his brooding right now.

“Melanie is a fighter,” he says instead, offering a tentative smile. “And she has you.”

Georgie shakes her head. “I can’t believe you came out of the apocalypse sappier than you were when you went in.”

“Side effect of traversing a post-apocalyptic wasteland with a hopeless romantic, I think.” That gets another little chuckle out of Georgie. “I mean it, though. I think Melanie will be okay, especially with you looking out for her. Not to mention, the Admiral is a perpetual serotonin generator.”

“You really miss him, huh?”

“Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve pet a cat, Georgie?” Jon practically whines, playfully dramatic. It manages to keep the amused smile on Georgie’s face, he’s pleased to note.

“Maybe I should bring him by sometime.”

“Absolutely not. This place doesn’t deserve him.” Georgie snorts. Although Jon is reluctant to ruin the temporary shift in mood, this is as good a time as any to broach a subject he’s been dreading. “Also, I, ah… I don’t want you to feel obligated to continue visiting here.”

“What?” Georgie says, eyes narrowed.

“If you have to take a step back,” Jon says carefully, “I’ll understand.”

“I mean, I might not be able to come by as often as I have been, especially while Melanie is still recovering, but that doesn’t mean I won’t be around at all.” Georgie’s frown deepens. “I’m not about to cut you out of my life, Jon.”

“I know. And I don’t want you to. But – no, listen,” Jon insists, seeing Georgie about to protest. “What I’m trying to say is – I know Melanie wants to put as much distance between herself and the Institute as possible. If it turns out that you staying involved in all of this is too close to home, then… well, I don’t want her to feel like she’s still trapped in the Institute’s orbit, is all.”

Or mine, he doesn’t say. He doesn’t want to be a reason for Melanie to feel unsafe. In the past, he has been – and that’s not who he wants to be.

These days, Melanie has come to view him more as a fellow captive than a complicit enemy. Lingering resentment still sparks to life from time to time; she still struggles with her anger, and once or twice, she’s had to leave a room for fear of that rage boiling over. Overall, though, she no longer directs the majority of her ire towards him. When they do butt heads, it hasn’t gone much further than bickering – and even that feels comforting in its familiarity and mundanity. Almost companionable, in its own way.

Most significantly, ever since their talk, Melanie hasn’t once likened him to Jonah Magnus. Jon doesn’t know if that’s because it’s no longer an automatic association at the forefront of her mind, or because she’s consciously watching her words around him, actively taking care to avoid tripping that perpetual trigger. Either way, Jon is grateful.

But Jon also knows that he’s inseparable from the Institute. Despite his intentions, and regardless of whether or to what degree the others hold him personally responsible, the fact remains: he’s embroiled in something unspeakably evil, and that poses a danger to anyone who stands too close to him.

Georgie doesn’t immediately respond, instead taking the time to seriously consider his words. He’s always appreciated that about her, as uneasy as these moments of silent suspense can make him.

“I’ll talk to her about it,” she says eventually, “once she’s recovered enough to have that discussion. I don’t know how she’ll feel about staying in direct contact herself, especially at first, but… I doubt she expects me to cut you off. And I imagine she’ll still want to know how everyone is doing, even if she doesn’t want the details.” She glances up to meet his eyes. “Anyway, regardless of how often I visit in person, I’m still going to be checking in with you, so answer your damn phone, will you?”

“I do answer my phone,” he says defensively. “I just… forget to answer texts sometimes. And I don’t get service in the tunnels –”

“Well, come up for air and cell service from time to time.” She wrinkles her nose. “Honestly, I don’t know how you can tolerate being down here for hours on end –”

Jon startles slightly as the trapdoor creaks open above their heads. Georgie stands as Melanie makes her way down the ladder, hurrying over to fold her into her arms. Basira follows behind, closing the trapdoor behind her as she goes.

“Mission successful, I take it?” Jon says quietly as Basira approaches him, giving Georgie and Melanie a moment to themselves.

“Uneventful,” Basira says with a shrug. “A few sidelong glances, but otherwise, none of the library staff even acknowledged us. Definitely didn’t seem keen on asking why we were rummaging in the repair supplies.”

“They probably didn’t want to know.”

“Yeah.” A small, rueful smile crosses her face. “Some of them used to talk to me, you know. Nothing personal – we weren’t close – but… when I returned a book, they’d ask what I thought of it, give me recommendations, that sort of thing. Now, though…”

These days she prefers to wait until everyone has gone home for the day before visiting the library, Jon Knows. He also Knows that the library staff are well aware that she’s the one pilfering research materials in the dead of night – and that they have no plans on confronting her about it. She never leaves a mess, after all, and always returns items to their proper places once she’s finished with them, which is more than can be said for many of the students who make use of the library’s resources.

“You know, I don’t think any of them have looked me in the eye for months.” There’s a distinct note of regret in Basira’s voice. “They just watch me out of the corners of their eyes when they think I’m not looking. I don’t know if that’s because they’re afraid of Lukas disappearing them for fraternizing, or because everyone is leery of the Archives these days, or because I’ve just become less approachable. Maybe all three. Suppose it doesn’t really matter.”

Jon knows the feeling well. Before he can answer, though, Melanie clears her throat. Jon looks over to see her facing his direction, one hand clasping Georgie’s tight enough to blanch her knuckles.

“This is it, then,” Basira says solemnly.

“Yeah.” Melanie closes her eyes and breathes a long, shaky exhale. “It’s time.”

“You’re sure you don’t want me there?” Georgie asks.

Melanie shakes her head. “I don’t want you to see that.”

“But –”

“She won’t be alone,” Basira says. “I’ll be right outside the room.”

Melanie faces Georgie fully, taking her other hand as well. “The plan hasn’t changed. Basira will call 999. I’ll make it quick, and – once it’s done, Basira will come in and sit with me until the ambulance gets here.”

“I have a general idea of what the response time should be like,” Basira adds, looking at Georgie. “If we time it right, Melanie will have medical assistance within minutes. I can come get you when the paramedics get here, if you want to ride in the ambulance.”

Georgie nods and tightens her grip on Melanie’s hands. “Is that okay?”

“Only if you want,” Melanie says haltingly. “But – maybe try to avoid looking too close, if my eyes are uncovered? It’s just – it probably won’t be pretty.” A stressed laugh claws its way out of her throat. “Potential trauma fodder, you know? I don’t want to worry about you remembering me like that every time you see me, even after I’ve healed.”

“Okay,” Georgie replies softly.

“It shouldn’t take long. Just – wait here with Jon until then, okay?” Georgie nods again, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. “Speaking of which –” Melanie glances at Jon, as if just now remembering his presence. Startled by the sudden direct eye contact, he reflexively straightens his spine and stands at attention. “I guess this is goodbye, huh? For a while, anyway.”

“I, uh. I suppose it is.”

“Right. So, um… good luck, I guess?”

No disclaimers or ill will tacked on this time, Jon notes privately.

“You too.” He forces a smile, but he suspects that it comes off as awkward rather than reassuring.

“Try not to die.”

“Yes, ‘not dying’ is relatively close to the top of my to-do list.”

“If I come to find out that you’ve gotten yourself killed and broken the eldritch employment contract binding us all to this place after I’ve gone and gouged my eyes out, I’m going to be livid.”

“Well, we can’t have that,” Jon says wryly.

“Seriously, though.” Melanie’s smirk melts away, taken over by a somber, quiet sort of intensity. “Either beat Elias at his own game, or get the fuck away from this place the instant you find an out. Whichever comes first. Preferably without any of the self-sacrificial bullshit.”

Fractious as its delivery is, the demand is oddly touching, coming from Melanie.

“I, uh… I’ll do my best?”

“You’d better.” Melanie nods – a curt but cordial dismissal – and turns her attention back to Georgie. “Hey,” she says, her voice going measurably softer, releasing one of Georgie’s hands to reach up and cup her face. Her watery smile belies her mental state: resolve warring with trepidation. “Look at me?”

For a long minute, she studies Georgie’s face, clearly enraptured. Jon forcefully tears his gaze away from the intimacy of the moment.

“Okay.” Melanie takes a deep breath in and releases it slowly. “I’m ready. I’ll see you soon, okay? Or – well, I won’t see you, but – you’ll see me, and I’ll…” She huffs, rolling her eyes. “Oh, whatever – you know what I mean.”

Georgie lets out a tearful chuckle, and Melanie relaxes marginally.

“I’m sure about this,” she says. “I promise. This is what I want – a life with you, away from all of this. And if this is the price I have to pay, then… I’m okay with that. Really, I am.” She stands on tiptoe to give Georgie a peck on the cheek. “Love you.”

“Love you too,” Georgie says, leaning down for a return kiss, smiling weakly against Melanie’s lips. “See you soon.”

When Martin first heard the bustle outside his door – coworkers venturing outside their solitary offices to trade whispered questions and eager gossip as word of paramedics in the archives made its way upstairs – his stomach gave a little lurch: a combination of horror and wonder. He hadn’t expected Melanie to change her mind – he knows how determined she can be once she’s settled on a course of action; how desperate she was to extricate herself from Elias’ – Jonah’s – schemes. Still, though, faced with the reality of it, he found himself in awe of her nerve.

That was yesterday. Martin didn’t get much work done, preoccupied as he was. He isn’t having an easier time of it today: his attention keeps slipping away to linger in remembrances of sterile hospital rooms and muted hallways, thoughts drowned out by the ghosts of sirens and beeping machinery.

“Well, this is an unexpected turn of events.”

Martin jolts in his seat, heart leaping into his throat. It only takes an instant longer for his alarm to mutate into aggravation.

“Peter!” Martin spins around to glower at the man. “How many times do I have to–”

Peter flaps a dismissive hand. “To be honest, Martin, the drop in temperature tends to tip most people off. The only reason you continue to be surprised by my arrival is because you’ve become acclimated to the Forsaken.”

The revelation is slow to sink in, a stark chill blooming in Martin’s chest and snaking its roots outwards. Only now that it’s been brought to his attention can he feel the nip in the air.

“Here I was certain you were becoming estranged from our patron, but it seems I needn’t have worried.” Peter’s smile is laced with malice. “Or should I?”

Martin says nothing, eyes wide and stinging from the now-conspicuous cold. Peter sighs, folds his hands behind his back, and begins a meandering back-and-forth pace.

“Our success is dependent on your voluntary isolation, Martin.”

“Yeah.” The word turns to fog as it touches the air, and Martin finds himself transfixed by the sight. “You’ve said.”

“It seems you need a reminder.”

The condescension dripping from the words is enough to drag Martin back into the present moment. Heat rises in his cheeks, contrasting with the temperature in the room and making the chill that much more noticeable.

“You still haven’t told me your plan,” he snaps. “You keep expecting me to just – go along with whatever you’re scheming, no questions asked.”

“You ask many questions, Martin –”

“Yeah, and you never answer them! You’re so – so bloody cryptic about all of this.”

“Martin, Martin,” Peter says, placating in the most patronizing way possible. Martin bristles: he hates the way Peter says his name. “There’s no need to get so worked up –”

“If you want me to be a partner in – in whatever it is you’re planning, you can’t expect me to go on blind trust!”

“I’m still conducting my own research,” Peter says mildly. “I would rather not confuse you with extraneous details before I have all the kinks worked out.”

“I’m not an idiot –”

“Rest assured,” Peter interrupts, “if I was capable of stopping the Extinction alone, I would. Unfortunately, it will require someone touched by the Beholding.”

“Why?”

“Because it requires this place, and this place” – Peter’s lip curls in distaste – “is the Eye’s seat of power. The One Alone has no dominion here.” Martin crosses his arms, unimpressed. “You are the only one who can do this, Martin.”

“Why?” Martin repeats.

Judging from the muscle ticking in Peter’s jaw, his limited supply of patience for conversation is precipitously depleting.

“No, really,” Martin presses, “why me? I mean” – he spreads his arms out with a scornful chuckle – “look at me. I’m not exactly hero material, am I?”

“That really depends on you. I can’t force you to cooperate. It won’t even work unless you’re a willing participant.”

“And what makes you think that your plan is the only way? You – you keep going on about how it’s my choice. Well – what if I choose to work with the others? It can’t hurt to have more eyes on the problem –” Martin rolls his eyes at Peter’s unconcealed revulsion. “Yeah, I know. No one would ever accuse you of being a team player, obviously. But I can be the liaison; you don’t have to interact with anyone at all.” Would prefer you don’t interact with anyone at all, Martin thinks. “I mean, that’s already my role, isn’t it? Dealing with people so you don’t have to?”

“Martin,” Peter says, low and dangerous.

“I’ll do it off the clock, even. I’ll isolate myself in my office during the workday, or whatever” – Martin gives a flippant wave of his hand – “and continue researching the Extinction.” And practically running the whole damn place on an assistant’s salary, he grouses silently. “After hours I’ll pursue my own research with the others.”

“Part-time isolation will not suffice to equip you with the power you’ll need.” Peter presses his lips into a pale, rigid line. “Be reasonable. Are you really willing to risk an apocalypse, just because you can’t appreciate solitude?”

“If it starts to look like there’s no other option, I’ll reconsider.”

“And if the Extinction emerges while you’re wasting time searching for an alternative that doesn’t exist?”

“Based on the limited information you’ve given me, I don’t think the Extinction is going to just… emerge overnight. I’m still not even convinced it’s going to be worse than any other Fear. I mean, the Flesh is relatively new, isn’t it? And it didn’t… leave the fear economy in shambles, or whatever.”

“It isn’t about competition, Martin.” Peter releases a slow plume of fog through his nose before continuing, voice cool but simmering with pique just under the surface. “The Extinction is different from the other Powers. It is defined by widescale eradication. The other Powers may seek to change the world, but none of them strive for a world without us.”

“But what makes you so sure the Extinction would?”

Peter’s eyes narrow. Ignoring him, Martin runs his thumb along his bottom lip as he replays Jon’s impassioned conjectures on the matter: It thrives on the potentiality of a mass extinction event, not the fulfillment of one.

“What’s to say it wouldn’t be just fine with the world as it is, like the End?” Martin says, more confidently now. “People have been prophesying about the end of the world for – all of human history, probably. I doubt we’ll stop anytime soon. Maybe at its core the Extinction is just… the fear of an uncertain future. And a particular future doesn’t have to be realized in order to inspire fear, as long as the potential is always there. It’s about the suspense – the ‘what ifs’, the unknown, the – the lack of control in it all.” Martin laughs. “In a way, that’s… that’s what most fears boil down to, isn’t it?”

“The stakes are rather high to gamble on a thought experiment, don’t you think?” The temperature plunges a few more degrees as Peter speaks. “I think that the most important ‘what if’ you should concern yourself with is what if you’re wrong?”

“And what if I’m not?” Martin counters. “You act so authoritative, but aren’t you also just speculating? When I agreed to work with you, you told me you would provide me with evidence to support your theory. So far, I’m not convinced. You’re going to have to give me more to go on than just ‘trust me.’ I mean – if it’s between trusting you and – and trusting Jon, and the others? You can’t really be surprised if I choose them over you.”

“Oh, Martin,” Peter tuts, shaking his head with derisive, disingenuous pity. “Since when has the trust you’ve placed in others ever been reciprocated?”

“I trust him,” Martin says defiantly.

“But does he trust you?” Peter pauses for effect. “Of all the times you’ve allowed yourself to form attachments, has anyone even once genuinely returned those affections?”

Jon did.

Whatever expression Martin is wearing brings a sneer to Peter’s face. Martin clenches his teeth and ignores him.

Jon does, he corrects. Present tense. He said as much.

Martin still can’t fathom what Jon could possibly see in him, but Jon wouldn’t lie about something like that, right? He wouldn’t.

…would he?

No, he wouldn’t, Martin chides. You know he wouldn’t. Trust him.

“Sure,” Peter persists, “you may open yourself up to the potential for something more, but you know as well as I do that it won’t last. Is the inevitable loss really worth the risk?”

“I don’t know,” Martin says. He tries to ignore the slight quaver that insinuates itself into the declaration. “But if I never take the risk, I’ll never know, will I?”

“I think you already know the answer.” Peter’s pale eyes glitter with spite. “Remember what it felt like, languishing at the Archivist’s deathbed. Recall the state you were in when you first came to me.”

The words are incisive, sliding under Martin’s skin and lodging there like shrapnel. He can feel his confidence waver, the conviction he stood fast on only seconds ago splintering underneath him like thin ice.

“How many times do you think he can court death and survive? He all but died stopping the last apocalypse; he was willing to bury himself alive for a woman who tried to kill him. How do you think he’ll react if you tell him about any of this? You think he’ll listen to reason? Trust in your judgment?” Peter fixes Martin with a smug, hungry look. “Or will he throw himself in front of the first bullet he sees?”

He already knows about all of this, Martin reminds himself. Jon isn’t about to sacrifice himself on account of the Extinction. Moreover, he seems to be genuinely committed to working as a team rather than striking out on his own.

But he also sees himself as a cataclysm waiting to happen, says the nagging doubt skulking in the far corners of Martin’s mind. As much as Jon insists that he doesn’t want to die, he’s already lived through one apocalypse. Martin has no doubt that Jon would sacrifice himself to prevent another, if it came down to it.

Jon is a powder keg of fear and guilt, and there is no shortage of potential ignition sources waiting in the wings. It only takes one untimely spark to set an archive ablaze.

“I trust him,” Martin repeats to himself, but the statement is rendered feeble by the leaden, frozen knot unfurling in his chest.

“Can you really weather another round of grief?” Peter continues, triumphant. He knows he’s found a gap in Martin’s defenses; all he needs to do now is twist the knife. “You’ve already done your mourning, cut the infection off at the source. Let him back in, and you only open yourself up to more pain. Better a numbed scar than a wound that never heals, don’t you think?”

“No.” There’s something off about Martin’s voice – as if it doesn’t belong to him; as if it’s originating from outside of himself, faint and frail and faraway, smothered by the cold, empty fog clogging his lungs. “N-no, I…”

“Connection is a fleeting, fickle thing,” Peter persists. “It’s a lie people tell themselves. The truth is that we are all alone. In the end, all we have is ourselves. Think about it.”

Unthinkingly, Martin shrinks away as Peter steps closer.

“You asked for more evidence.” Peter slides a few statement folders onto the desk. “Take some time to yourself. Consider whether you’re willing to wager on the fate of the world.”

When Martin looks up, he is alone.

“It’s so loud,” Daisy mutters heatedly, stalking to and fro like a panther in a cage. She scratches furiously at her forearms as she goes, blunt fingernails leaving faint red stripes on pale skin.

“Daisy,” Jon says evenly, “I think maybe you should –”

“Itch I can’t scratch.” She pivots on her heel, retracing her short path in the opposite direction. “Feels like fire under my skin.”

“I don’t think clawing your skin off is going to help.”

Daisy barks a laugh. “With what claws?” She stops short and brandishes the backs of her trembling hands, fingers splayed to highlight nails gnawed to the quick, ragged cuticles stained rust-brown with dried blood. “Dull now.” Her eyes go unfocused, staring vaguely at her hands as if she doesn’t recognize them. “Too dull.”

“I’m sorry,” Jon says, and he means it.

It never gets easier to witness her like this, frenetic and fraying in the throes of the Hunt’s compulsion. These spells have a way of making her features look sharper, her mannerisms more animalistic. She’s all protruding bones and sallow skin, but that seeming frailty does nothing to tame the violence thrumming in her veins. If anything, that all-consuming hunger only makes her more fearsome.

Jon’s strict rations have given him an underfed, pinched look as well, but at least he has something. Not enough to put meat on his bones, so to speak, but enough to stave off starvation. Daisy, though…

When Jon takes a step forward, she rounds on him with teeth bared and a snarl in her throat. Jon flinches at the sudden movement.

“You’re afraid of me.” Daisy exhales an exhausted rattle of a laugh, as if vindicated. “Good. You should be.”

“I’m not afraid of you,” Jon says. “I have an overactive startle reflex. Always have, really.”

“You’re lying.” Daisy breathes heavily through her nose, fists clenched at her sides now. “Admit it.”

Jon knows what she’s trying to do. She wants him to lash out, to bite back, to make her bleed. He’s uncomfortably familiar with that craving. It’s like looking into a mirror.

“I’m not afraid of you,” he reiterates.

“Liar,” Daisy hisses, fixing him with a baleful glare.

He’s seen her like this many times before, hunger-ravaged and swamped by bloodlust. She’ll doggedly bash herself against the nearest witness to her shame like a ship crashed against a jetty, driven forward again and again by cresting waves of guilt and self-loathing until she’s free-floating wreckage. Every time, it gets more and more difficult to gather up all the debris and repair the damage. Jon fears that one of these days, the storm will pass and there won’t be enough pieces left to put her back together.

“I’m not a knife you can cut yourself on, Daisy,” he says patiently.

Daisy looks positively mutinous, mouth opening and closing several times before erupting: “Why wouldn’t you be afraid of me?”

“I used to be,” Jon admits, leaning back against the tunnel wall to take some of the weight off his bad leg. “Before the Buried. I was terrified of you. Dreaded every moment I had to be alone with you. Thought it was only a matter of time before you finished the job.”

“It was,” she rasps out – and with that, her shoulders slump and her fists relax to hang limply at her sides, fingers jumping and twitching with the last dregs of her agitation.

“I know. But then you changed. You were different, after the Buried. As afraid of yourself as I used to be of you. As afraid of yourself as I was of myself.” He looks her in the eye as he speaks. “I looked at you and saw my own fear reflected back at me. There are so many things to be afraid of. You were – you are trying very hard not to be one of them.”

“If I’m afraid of me, you should be, too.”

“Are you afraid of me?” Jon asks, shaping each word carefully to keep the compulsion at bay.

She pauses, considering the question.

“No,” she says eventually. “Afraid for you, sometimes.”

“As I am for you.” Jon’s tentative smile fades after a moment. “I’ll admit, I do have… reflexive reactions, sometimes. There were a few incidents where I walked into the breakroom and you were holding a knife, and my fight-or-flight response kicked in before my conscious brain could catch up with reality.”

Daisy squeezes her eyes shut, wrapping her arms around her middle.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers. When she opens her eyes, the look on her face isn’t pleading so much as it is resigned. She isn’t asking for forgiveness. Jon doubts she ever will.

It’s just one more thing they have in common.

“I know,” he says quietly. “To be clear, I don’t feel unsafe with you, as you are now. It’s just… flashbacks. They can be – unpredictable. And if I’m already feeling on edge, or – or not quite present, it doesn’t take much to set me off. But,” he adds, giving her a serious look, “I don’t want you walking on eggshells around me. That only puts me more on edge.”

“Fine. But will you tell me if I do something to scare you?”

“Yes.” She made the same request last time. “But I’ve never had to. You could always feel when I was afraid. From a few rooms away, even.”

“Yeah,” Daisy says with a choked laugh. “Your blood is – very loud sometimes.”

“And now?”

These episodes tend to be capricious. Sometimes, what seems to be the calm after the storm proves to be only a lull before a second wind. If the way she’s wobbling on her feet and favoring one leg is any indication, Jon suspects that the worst of the flare-up has passed for now, taking her adrenaline surge with it. Still, he waits for her confirmation. Daisy takes a minute to mull over the question, head cocked slightly to the side as if listening.

“Quieter,” she says.

With that, Jon lowers himself to the ground and sits with his back against the wall, beckoning her over to take a seat. She hesitates for a moment longer before following his lead, slumping down next to him with a labored sigh.

“Sorry for growling at you,” she says sheepishly, rubbing the back of her neck.

“Don’t worry about it.”

Daisy tilts her head back to stare at the ceiling. “You said I ended up going back to the Hunt last time.”

“Yes.”

“When?”

“September. But – but that doesn’t mean it has to happen again,” he adds hurriedly when he sees her face fall in a mixture of anguish and resignation. “It was – sort of a perfect storm of extenuating circumstances. Like I said before, if you didn’t let the Hunt back in, you and Basira would likely have been killed. But I think you knew you wouldn’t be coming back from it. Before you changed, you made Basira promise to hunt you down and kill you.”

“And did she?”

“She lost track of you in the chaos. You gave chase after one of the Hunters. Once you killed her, the other Hunter started hunting you. For revenge.” Jon’s voice drops to a low murmur. “A few weeks later, the world ended.”

Which makes it sound far more passive than it actually was, but Jon isn’t in the mood for a scolding should he opt for an ‘I’ statement.

“And then what?”

“You were a full-fledged Hunter in a – a perpetual fear generator of a world,” Jon says grimly. “Do you really need to hear the details?”

“Tell me,” Daisy says. “Please.”

Jon understands the need, but recounting the apocalypse never gets any easier. He closes his eyes, breathes deeply, and takes a moment to gather his thoughts.

“When I opened the door and let all the Fears into this reality,” he begins, “the world was divvied up into thousands of different domains, each belonging to a different shade of terror. With few exceptions, most people were confined to one domain – usually whatever aligned with their deepest fears. Avatars and monsters were subject to the Ceaseless Watcher, but otherwise able to exercise control over the humans in the domains of their patrons. Most seemed to stake out territory and settle in one place – customizing their own little spheres of influence, creating playgrounds of their own making. But some got around. You were one of the ones that traveled.”

“What was –” Daisy grimaces. “Who was I hunting?”

“Well… in that place, no one got what they deserved, only what would hurt the most. And people are rarely afraid of just one thing. Most were magnets for multiple fears. The more nomadic Avatars and monsters would gravitate towards whatever individuals were most susceptible to their power, so to speak.” He bites his lip. There’s really no tactful way to phrase this next part. “In your case, you had a roster of specific targets that you were tracking. Former prey. Whether you were drawn to them because of their own fear of you, or because some part of you judged them to have ‘gotten away,’ so to speak… I’m not entirely certain. It may have been a bit of both.”

“I see,” Daisy murmurs. “Guess it makes sense that I would rank high among some people’s greatest fears.”

“Basira was tracking you when we ran into her. We were with her when we found you.”

“And was I… still me?”

“Yes and no,” Jon says hesitantly. “You were you, in a way, but only a small part of you. The Hunter. Everything else was buried too deep. Drowned. Even if I could have brought you back, it would have killed you. You – you didn’t even recognize me, or Martin. You recognized Basira – saw her as pack, wanted her to join you in the Hunt – but…”

“You were prey,” Daisy says quietly.

“Yeah.”

“You never did manage to grow a self-preservation instinct, did you?” Daisy squints at him. “I went full monster on you, and you still want me to sit next to you now.”

“You had sharper teeth then,” Jon says drily. Daisy scoffs and nudges his shoulder with hers. She doesn’t draw back after making contact, and when Jon doesn’t pull away either, she leans into him.

“Basira kept her promise?” Daisy asks after a minute.

“Yes. She didn’t want to, but…” Jon swallows thickly, the memory of Basira’s heartbreak bringing to mind his own. “It wasn’t an easy decision.”

Daisy rubs at her chest with one hand, as if to soothe an ache. “It wasn’t fair for me to ask that of her, was it?”

“Maybe not,” Jon sighs. “It seems fair choices are hard to come by, for most of us.”

“I… I don’t want her to have to make that choice this time.”

“Neither do I.”

“It’s never going to stop, is it?” Daisy glances at him, allowing her head to rest lightly on his shoulder. “It’s only going to get worse.”

“I’m sorry.” What else is there to say?

“Melanie got away,” Daisy says, a tinge of bargaining in her tone. “She managed to purge the Slaughter. And break away from the Eye.”

“Her situation was… different from ours. She wasn’t as far gone as we are. The Slaughter hadn’t fully claimed her, and the Eye never took her as an Avatar. But you’ve been living with the Hunt for most of your life; I signed myself over to the Beholding the moment I became the Archivist. We’ve become… attached to our patrons, dependent on them for survival. Symbiotic, in a twisted sort of way.”

“You really don’t think there’s a way back, then.”

“I don’t know for sure. I’ve seen it before, in my future, but – the world was different then. During the apocalypse, I was able to, uh… shift a person’s status from Watched to Watcher. I – I mean, technically everyone was Watched – the Eye had dominion over everything – but I could give someone control over one of the smaller domains. Create new Avatars, for lack of a better term.

“But turn a Watcher into solely the Watched, and they would typically unravel. I don’t know if that’s because the full focus of the Ceaseless Watcher’s gaze just happens to be lethal – particularly for Avatars aligned with other Powers – or if an Avatar is simply unable to survive being cut off from their patron regardless of the means of separation. I do Know that I wouldn’t have been able to survive being cut off from the Eye unscathed. I was… too much a part of the Eye in that reality. Not sure about now. For either of us.”

“That’s a roundabout way of saying ‘no.’”

“I’m not saying no, I’m saying that I don’t know. Supposedly escaping the Buried was impossible, and here we are.”

“Apples and oranges,” Daisy says sullenly.

“Maybe. I think it’s all too complex for clear-cut categories. Even the hard-and-fast ‘rules’ are only as strong as our collective belief in them. Almost like our expectations shore them up. I’ve witnessed all of reality being rewritten – all physical laws and supposed universal constants reshaped to center the Eye.” He reaches one hand up to tug on the hair at the back of his neck. “After all I’ve Seen, it’s difficult to conceive of anything being categorically impossible. Between all the dream logic and reality bending, there’s plenty of space for firsts and exceptions to the rules.”

‘I don’t knows’ are where the hope lives, Martin said once. At the time, Jon teased him for being a hopeless romantic, but truthfully, Jon was just as hopelessly endeared by Martin’s belief in such things.

“Have you talked to Georgie yet today?” Daisy asks, apparently ready to change the subject.

“Oh, uh – yes. This morning.”

“And?”

“Melanie was out of surgery and stable, but she wasn’t awake yet. Georgie promised to call tonight with an update.” Assuming nothing major comes up before then, a worried voice in Jon’s head supplies. He shakes his head to jog the thought loose. “Speaking of Georgie… have you given any thought to her suggestion?”

“What,” Daisy says, drolly skeptical, “playing a video game?”

“I realize it’s… somewhat out of the box, but it might be worth a try. Like Georgie said, there are multiplayer games where you can, uh… hunt down other players.”

Daisy plucks absently at her collar, glowering at the opposite wall as if the bricks there committed a personal offense. “It’s not the same.”

“A simulation might not come close to a real hunt, no, but – you might still get something out of it? Maybe?” Daisy directs her scowl up at the ceiling. Jon only digs his heels in, undeterred. “There are even some that have a survival horror theme. An aesthetic that already puts players in the mindset to be frightened, you know?”

“People play those games for fun, Sims.” She finally looks at him, eyes narrowed. “It’s about thrills, not mortal fear.”

“Sometimes genuine fear can sneak through. Haven’t you ever been so creeped out by a horror story that it stayed with you after nightfall?”

“Not really?”

“O-oh. Well, some people have that experience.” Jon gives an awkward little cough. “Anyway, under the right circumstances, a game can get the adrenaline pumping as well as a chase can. A fight-or-flight response doesn’t necessarily require a real physical threat.”

Daisy raises her eyebrows, transparently cynical. “Do you really think the Hunt is going to be satisfied with jump scares and – and low-stakes adrenaline rushes filtered through a screen?”

“No,” Jon admits. “But it might take the edge off. Sort of like reading old statements does for me. Not enough to stop you starving, but maybe enough to distract from the hunger pangs. At least temporarily. If nothing else, you did say you need a new hobby, and it’s not like this place is overflowing with viable entertainment options.”

“I guess,” Daisy sighs. “I mean, it’s not like I’m paying rent. May as well squander my paycheck.”

“If that’s the case, you should see if that eBay listing for that vintage The Archers board game is still up,” Jon says drily. “Last I checked, it was £2 with no bidders.”

“Yeah, and £30 shipping.”

“Sounds like £32 well spent, if you ask me.”

Daisy snorts and bumps her shoulder against his. “You, Jonathan Sims, are an absolute menace.”

Adrift and thoroughly divorced from the concept of time, end of the workday passes Martin by without his notice. Once again, he wonders whether Peter deliberately assigned him an office with no external window, not only to put another wall between him and the rest of the world, but to make it easier for him to lose track of time.

For an interminable stretch of time he sits catatonic, mind peppered with sporadic sensory input: Dead-weight limbs, listless and foreign-feeling. The brush of fabric resting against bare skin, every point of weightless contact a violation. The distant ticking of clockwork, rote and irrevocable.

Stand up, comes the thought, detached and intrusive: an instruction he cannot parse; empty phonemes wafted into a vacant mind, abandoned there to echo and disperse until they lose all meaning. A fragment of a signal from brain to nerves to fingers presses numb fingertips to thumbs, a cautious test yielding no sensation but for the vague, spongey give of flesh.

Then the body ostensibly belonging to him is on its feet, the connection between floor and soles disturbingly incongruent with unreality. Walking now, every footfall jarring in its impact; every step stretched and blurred like a botched time-lapse photograph; every molasses-sluggish forward motion met with invisible resistance, like swimming against a sludgy current.

He does not remember how or when or under whose direction he arrives in the Archives, swaying at the threshold of the Head Archivist’s office. Empty and still. Silence so pervasive it’s almost tangible. Viscous and inexorable. Trapping him like a fly in honey. Drowning.

When next he becomes aware of his surroundings, he’s wavering at the bottom of a ladder. Walls curving up and over his head, a brickwork warren stretching on and out into the murk.

Standing in place. Hovering like an afterimage. Rootless and incorporeal. Searching for… staring at… calling to…

There: something real.

“Martin?” Jon’s breath fogs the air as he speaks, but the way he says the name… his voice seems to cradle the word, shielding it against the cold. He sits up straighter, keen gaze sweeping the area like a lighthouse beacon. “Martin, is that you?”

That’s me, Martin thinks, and then, wonderingly: He says your name like it’s something precious.

At that thought, Jon’s eyes land on him like a searchlight.

“There you are.” His soft smile immediately falters, brow furrowing in concern. “Are you alright?”

He’s sat on the floor with his back against the wall, one knee drawn up to his chest, and Daisy pressed up against his side in a mirrored position, sharing a pair of corded earphones. Daisy is already thumbing at the screen of her phone, presumably pausing whatever it is they’re listening to, as Jon removes his earbud.

Martin opens his mouth to speak, but the air in his lungs has turned to viscid fog and the confused tangle of half-formed thoughts in his mind refuse to coalesce into actual words. Jon exchanges a glance with Daisy, who is already moving to stand. Martin wants to object – she doesn’t have to leave on his account; he can see that they’re busy; he’s fine; he’s just overreacting – but before he can cobble together a protest, she’s halfway to her feet, gripping the wall for support.

“I’m alright now,” Martin can hear her say.

“You’re sure?” Jon asks in a low murmur.

“Yeah.” She winces as she straightens her spine. “Knowing Basira, she’s still pouring over the same statements as she was this morning. She could do with an interruption.”

“Can you manage the ladder?”

Daisy stretches her leg out, testing her mobility. “Think so.”

They give each other another long look, a shared nod, and without another word, Daisy staggers her way to the exit and mounts the ladder.

As it does every time he witnesses these displays of unspoken understanding between them, an ugly pang of jealousy burns in Martin’s chest – some combination of envy, inadequacy, longing, and loneliness. Possessiveness, almost – and an instant later, the shame sets in.

But then the trapdoor closes, Jon looks Martin in the eye again, and the sincere, tender warmth sheltering there is enough to leave Martin reeling. It’s hard to comprehend anyone – let alone Jonathan Sims – looking at him like that; difficult to reconcile requited affection with a lifetime of fruitless want. Martin can’t shake the feeling that it will always be this way – and that his inability to trust in unconditional love is precisely what makes him so unlovable in the first place.

Jon clears his throat and pats the floor beside him. He’s seated on a blanket, Martin just now notices, folded over several times to cushion the hard ground.

He’d better not be napping down here, Martin thinks to himself.

“Martin,” Jon says, in that impossibly soft tone he’s taken to using around Martin these days, “I’d like you to come sit, if you’re amenable.”

It’s such a Jon way of phrasing the invitation, and the familiarity it engenders has Martin accepting without a conscious thought. He settles himself beside Jon, close but not touching. Those few inches of distance manage to be simultaneously loathsome and assuring. Martin lets his hand rest in that vacant space, fingers clenching around a fistful of blanket.

Out of the corner of his eye, he can see Jon’s hand twitch, as if fighting back the urge to reach out and touch. Instead, he starts to rub the fabric of his trouser leg between his thumb and forefinger.

“What do you need right now?” Jon asks.

“I…” Martin pauses, unsettled by the sound of his own voice, grating and almost unfamiliar to his ears.

“Take your time.”

It takes a minute for Martin to wrap his mouth around more than one syllable.

“Nothing,” he says, the weight of the word nearly pinning his tongue in place.

“It doesn’t sound like nothing.”

Several more minutes pass before Martin is able to construct a full sentence.

“I’m just being stupid.” The words seem to echo faintly in the tunnel, despite how quietly he says them.

“What do you need?” Jon asks again.

“Nothing,” Martin repeats dully. He doesn’t need anything.

Jon doesn’t immediately respond. Martin can feel himself go rigid, anticipating… what – aggravation, impatience, disengagement? But Jon only runs a thumb along his jawline, a thoughtful frown on his face.

“Okay,” he says eventually, “what do you want, then? What would – what would help you feel better right now?”

“I… I don’t know,” Martin says in a voice so feeble it’s nearly inaudible. He flexes his fingers uncertainly, chasing after any physical sensation at all, only to find them numb and deathlike. The helpless sigh that shudders out of him wants to be a whimper. “I just – didn’t – don’t – feel real. Feels like I’m not really here.”

“Hmm.” Jon looks at him – really looks at him, taking his time to study Martin’s face. “Well, I can confirm that you are here.”

“You… you can see me?” Martin asks meekly, pleadingly, dreading the answer.

“Yes.” Jon pauses. “And if you’re agonizing over being a bother, don’t, because you aren’t. I always like seeing you.”

He should trust Jon – he does trust Jon – but it’s still a constant struggle to drown out that Lonely part of him that insists that isolation is safer, more dependable, and far more habitable. Unthinkingly, Martin reaches over, hand trembling in the air above Jon’s, fingertips just barely ghosting across scarred skin.

“Would you like me to hold your hand…?” Jon ventures.

Martin’s fingers curve inward as he pulls back slightly. “I, um.”

“You can say no,” Jon reminds him.

“I… I want it, but I – I – I don’t know if I can handle it right now, and I –” Martin draws back entirely, flapping both hands in frustration, trying to relieve the pins-and-needles sensation prickling through his veins. “I hate this. I hate being like this.”

Martin grimaces at the outburst, but Jon doesn’t seem to be judging him. Instead, he’s looking off to the side, a crease between his eyebrows now, as if he’s working through a problem.

“No skin-to-skin contact,” he says to himself, and then he looks to Martin. “Pressure helps me sometimes, when I feel like I’m not real. You could… lean against me? If you want.”

“I…”

“You don’t have to,” Jon rushes to reassure him.

“It’s – not that I don’t want to. I guess I’m just…” Martin can feel himself flush with embarrassment. “It’s daft, but I’m worried that I’ll be – I don’t know, incorporeal, or something.”

“I distinctly recall you telling me that you’re not a ghost.”

It takes a few seconds for Jon’s deadpan humor to sink in. When it does, Martin nearly chokes on a surprised laugh.

“I still can’t believe you thought I was a ghost,” he says, cracking a smile. The tight, bitter-cold knot in his chest yields just a little, like ice disintegrating under a spring thaw.

“In my defense, I was quite distraught at the time.” Jon’s eyes wrinkle at the corners and Martin is struck by overwhelming fondness. He doesn’t pull away when Jon reaches out, open palm hovering just above his shoulder. “May I?”

Cautiously, Martin nods.

“Hmm.” Jon applies the lightest touch at first, watching Martin’s face carefully. He waits until Martin nods for him to continue before he presses down more firmly. Before long, Martin can feel the warmth of Jon’s hand through his jumper. That warmth carries over into Jon’s smile. “Feels solid to me.”

The confirmation comes as a relief, as foolish as that makes Martin feel. He braces himself and leans against Jon’s side, releasing his held breath when his body meets with tangible resistance. At first he worries that Jon, scrawny as he is, won’t be able to support the weight, but he doesn’t budge when Martin melts against him. After that, it’s a struggle for Martin to keep his eyes open.

Jon must notice, because he whispers, “You can rest. I’ll be here.”

Martin doesn’t even have the strength to nod, let alone the energy to argue. He allows the steady rise and fall of Jon’s chest to lull him into an almost meditative state, his mind still floating somewhere outside of himself, but now tethered to the ground.

Then the silence starts nipping at his heels.

“Too quiet,” he mumbles. “Talk to me?”

“What about?”

“Anything.”

“Did you know that highland cattle have a double coat?” Jon says after a minute of consideration. “It insulates them against the cold. The outer layer is long – the longest hair of any cattle breed, in fact – and oily, which helps ward off the rain. Underneath is softer, almost woolly hair.”

Once Jon gets started, those little scraps of trivia soon progress to a nearly encyclopedic lecture. It doesn’t take long for Martin to lose himself in the rich timbre of Jon���s voice as he goes on about various Scottish breeds of cattle. Although he doesn’t fall fully asleep, Martin manages to drift in and out of consciousness enough that he loses track of time once more. This time, though, it’s a comfortable daze: there’s someone to keep him from straying too far.

At some point, he unthinkingly seeks out Jon’s hand. Jon presses his thumb into the center of Martin’s palm, rubbing small circles there, coaxing Martin further into peaceful relaxation.

“Sorry for interrupting you and Daisy earlier,” Martin murmurs groggily into Jon’s shoulder.

“Oh, we were just listening to The Archers.”

“Are you taking the piss?” Martin asks, opening one eye to scrutinize Jon’s expression.

“Unfortunately not.”

“You like The Archers.”

“Good lord, no. Blame Daisy.”

“Daisy likes The Archers,” Martin says, even more dubiously, sitting up now to squint at Jon.

“There are stranger things.”

Martin snorts and nestles into Jon’s side again. “If you say so.”

“Feeling better now?” Martin reflexively snuggles closer. Jon laughs softly, a little puff of a breath that rustles Martin’s hair. “I’m not going to deny you cuddles if the answer is ‘yes,’ you know.”

“Cuddles,” Martin whispers, the word dissolving into a clipped giggle.

“What?” Jon tilts his head. There’s a puzzled scowl on his face, as if he’s trying to decide whether or not he should take offense. It’s impossibly endearing.

“Cuddles,” Martin repeats, in a poor approximation of Jon’s voice this time. “Not a word I ever expected to hear from you.”

“Quiet, you,” Jon huffs, but he can’t disguise the way his indignant pout cracks into a smile under the weight of his own amusement. He almost seems to preen, as if pulling a laugh from Martin is a victory on which to pride himself. He reaches up with his free hand, pausing just above the top of Martin’s head. “May I?”

At Martin’s affirmative, Jon begins to comb his fingers through Martin’s hair, fingernails lightly scratching against his scalp. For the briefest of moments, some primal fragment of him recoils from the contact, instinctively unnerved by the vulnerability inherent to such closeness. Martin spurns that voice, breathes through its fit of angst and panic, and leans into the touch.

Little by little, step by step, he’s acclimating. He just wishes that it wasn’t such a process each and every time he lets his guard down like this.

“Bad day?” Jon asks once Martin settles.

“Something like that.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Not really,” Martin groans. “But I should.”

“Only if you want to.”

“No, you should know, I just…” Martin heaves a wearied sigh. “Peter’s back.”

Jon gasps like he’s had the wind knocked out of him. The hand stroking Martin’s hair abruptly stills; the other, still clasped in Martin’s, constricts like a death-grip.

“Did he hurt you?” The question is steeped in an artificial, fragile sort of calm, but Jon can’t quite mask the intensity buzzing just under the surface: fear, protectiveness, and desperation all intermingled and reinforced by that ominous inkling of power that, despite his intentions, lurks behind every word.

“He didn’t do anything out of the ordinary. Just… trying to get me to recommit to the Lonely.” Martin scoffs. “And of course he was trying to do it in a way that would make me feel like it was my idea. Get me to convince myself that it was what I wanted, rather than something he was pressuring me into.”

“Of all the Powers, the Lonely is one of the most insidious, I think,” Jon says quietly. “It seeks out victims who already have one foot in the Lonely, reinforces those fears, promises kinship – a paradoxical form of it, anyway – and then it just… waits. Spend enough time disconnected from the rest of the world, and it doesn’t take long to start telling yourself the lie that it’s for the best. That it’s what you are; that it’s all you’re meant to be.”

“And I fell for it,” Martin mutters.

“Anyone would, subjected to the right conditions.” Jon waits until he catches Martin’s eye before he continues. “It isn’t your fault. This is what the Fears do. It’s what they are. They find an opening, they sink their hooks in, and they pull you under. They don’t let go until either you drown or you learn to breathe fear. The only way out is for someone to throw you a lifeline, and even then, the odds aren’t great. And the Lonely in particular – one of the first things it does is make it difficult to even conceive of a lifeline. It’s hard to catch hold of one if you never think to look for it.”

“I thought you hated convoluted metaphors.”

“Yes, well, unfortunately the Powers That Be tend to elude any sort of straightforward, concrete discussion,” Jon grouses. “Just one more reason to begrudge them, really. My point is, the Lonely is an insufferable liar and so is Peter.”

“What do you know, they’re perfect for each other.” The remark succeeds in putting a lopsided smirk on Jon’s face, much to Martin’s delight. “Anyway, Peter said his plan won’t work unless I’m voluntarily Lonely.”

“He’s right, although his plan has nothing to do with the Extinction. He needs you to choose the Lonely because those were the terms of his bet with Jonah. He poaches you out from under the Eye – gets you to pledge yourself to the Forsaken – and he wins, with the Institute as a prize. He fails to convert you, he loses, and he does what Jonah wants, which is for me to be marked by the Lonely.”

Jon says that last part so nonchalantly. As if it’s a foregone conclusion; as if he’s become so accustomed to dehumanization that it doesn’t even give him pause. Martin grits his teeth, biting back a surge of anger on Jon’s behalf.

“Yeah, well,” he says tightly, “Peter bet on the wrong horse.”

A sharp intake of breath leaves Jon sounding strangled when he says, eyes wide and lips parted, “Oh?”

“I mean, he can’t just sic the Lonely on me like he would any other victim, right? That wouldn’t count as a win. He needs me to choose it. And I’m not going to do that.”

“Yeah?” The expression of unguarded, cautious hope dawning on Jon’s face makes him look years younger.

“Yeah,” Martin says, feeling increasingly emboldened. “The funny thing is, I don’t – I don’t think I ever chose loneliness. I never wanted it – that was just a lie I told myself, and the Lonely just – echoed it back to me. S-so Peter’s out of luck, because if there are other options, then the Lonely will always be involuntary. Because it’s not what I want.”

“You – you mean it?” Jon brightens, leaning forward.

Martin’s heart skips a beat and flutters hummingbird-quick against his ribs. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Jon smile – not like this, that is, beaming and uninhibited and altogether breathtaking. Immediately, Martin decides that he wants more. It seems wrong for something so exhilarating to be so rare.

He doesn’t know which of them moves first, and it doesn’t matter, because Jon is in his lap, and Jon is nuzzling into his shoulder, and Jon is here and solid and so, so alive in Martin’s arms, breathing warm and steady into his neck, smiling against his skin, hands scrabbling at his back to cling to his jumper. Martin’s fingers seek purchase of their own, and then something clicks.

“Jon,” he says, leaning back just far enough to confirm his suspicion, “is this mine?”

“Are you just now noticing?” Jon asks, devastatingly fond. “Martin, I’ve been wearing this jumper off and on for the last several weeks.”

“You have?” Martin all but squeaks, heat creeping up his neck and to the tips of his ears. “No. No, you –” Jon’s grin is widening, leaving Martin increasingly flustered. “I – I mean, yes, you have, obviously, I know that, but I – I – I –” Martin gulps, mortified, as Jon finally fails to contain his suppressed laughter. “Look, I didn’t recognize it until just now, alright?”

“Well,” Jon says, ducking his head to chuckle softly against Martin’s throat, “it’s mine now, and you can’t have it back.”

Which is fine with Martin, really, because he would be lying to himself if he said he wasn’t helplessly charmed by the newfound knowledge that not only is Jon an unrepentant clothes-thief, but apparently also an insatiable cuddler.

End Notes:

To address Martin’s concern: Jon does, in fact, nap in the tunnels sometimes. Listen, with Jurgen Leitner (derogatory) in absentia, there was an opening for the position of Beleaguered Tunnel-Haunting Hermit and Jon has all the necessary qualifications.

So anyways, who else thinks Peter’s bio on a dating app would probably just be that “every living creature on this earth dies alone” quote from Donnie Darko? I bet he thinks 'survival of the fittest' means 'every man for himself'. What an insufferable clown.

No Archive-speak in this chapter to cite.

I wanted to make a joke about a The Archers-themed Monopoly, so I asked duckduckgo if it was a thing. Sadly, it is not. There IS, however, a 1960s The Archers board game, and yes, there ARE eBay listings for it.

The first section of this chapter was written before eps 190-192 dropped. I think it still lines up well enough with what we saw of Melanie & Georgie’s characterization in these most recent episodes, with the qualifier that things have gone very differently in this AU compared with canon. (Also, I took some liberties wrt Georgie’s not-feeling-fear thing, obvi. Some of it matches with the most recent episodes, some of it not so much, but I decided to keep it anyways.)

Oh and I think I might have given myself cavities with the last section of this chapter. (I’m aro-spec; it’s hard to tell when I’m going over the top, but hopefully it’s fluffy without being overly cloying.)

[xiyao-feels]

Hiya I'm new to the untamed fandom and I was wondering, is there a masterlist of fic recs for xiyao? also, I love and adore xiyao 🥰🥰🥰 is there a post-tu fix-it fic? that isn't a modern or high school or whatever au? another thing, does anyone think mingyao (jueyao?) is canon but only in the sense that mingjue loved Yao but it wasn't reciprocated as the latter viewed the former as a boss. there was another thing but I forgot. 😑 thank you and have a great day! 😁

Hi!!! And welcome to the fandom :) I also love and adore xiyao!! It's always nice to have more people who love them.

Okay, let's see your questions.

Is there a masterlist of fic recs for xiyao? Uh... possibly?? Unfortunately these days I am extremely particular and disagree with almost everyone about almost everything, when it comes to xiyao and their relationships, so I am perhaps not the person to ask. I will say that when browsing the AO3 for xiyao I strongly recommend you go to the xiyao tag and add otp: true to Search within results (explanation), so that you get fic where the only relationship tagged is xiyao. It's not that there's not good xiyao fic tagged with other stuff, but if you don't do that you're going to find fic that's actually xicheng or nielan and has xiyao as a mistake or an abusive relationship etc etc, or stuff that's full-on 3zun, or sometimes stuff where xiyao are happy together but are a thoroughly background pairing to the fic's main focus.

Is there a post-tu fixit fic? There are indeed! If you're willing to accept a post-MDZS fix-it, I highly recommend pluck the stars by exoscopy and grief negotiations by Nomette, though note that grief negotiations is the first work in an unfinished series. —though you should probably know that one of the relevant differences between The Untamed and MDZS is that in MDZS JGY doesn't ask LXC to stay and die with him, and therefore LXC doesn't agree (though in both versions JGY pushes him away and saves his life).

(If you want something that's more strictly CQL this isn't exactly a post-canon fixit, although it's also not exactly not, and the first fic is in large part a fictional academic work, but I very much enjoy 'studies of a complicit lan xichen' by welcome_equivocator. The same author has also written shades, which is a post-CQL fixit which I also absolutely love, but which starts with a bigger divergence from the usual range of post-canon LXC fates than most fics do. Disclaimer that the author is a friend of mine, and I was involved in coming up with the premise for shades (I'm the SunlitStone it was gifted to), but I really do love their stuff and stand by my recs wholeheartedly. I'll also rec a couple of quigonejinn's fic, though they might stretch the definition of fixit some—manipulated and deceived by the slut rat meng yao (not at ALL what it sounds like, the title is taken by a comment left by the xiyao troll and the fic is written against that spirit) and Talismans.)

Ah—it occurs to me that if you're new to the fandom you might not know about the xiyao troll. They leave cruel, sometimes quite personally cruel, comments on xiyao fics. For this reason many people lock their fics to only allow registered users to comment, since they only comment anonymously. If you yourself don't have an AO3 account and would like one, you can request an invitation from the site or hit me up off anon, I have invites going spare.

as to your NMJ/JGY question—the ship is usually referred to as nieyao! I'm pretty sure there are people who have that take, though unfortunately I can't name any off the top of my head; my take personally is that it wasn't romantic for either of them, although for The Untamed in particular it's certainly true that there are certain sexual vibes for JGY that only show up in NMJ's Empathy memories. (Since you're new here you may not realize!! NMJ's Empathy flashbacks aren't actually perfect records of what "actually" happened, but—as we can tell from when we saw the same event originally and then in Empathy—are distorted mirrors, very much NMJ's memory and not objective reality. If you're curious, I've assembled a comparison between the scenes we see in both here, for both the video aspect and the (Chinese) dialogue.) My take on MDZS nieyao is—well, I pretty much stand by what I said here, although if I were to write it today I would go into more detail and provide more evidence.

I hope that helps at all!! Feel free to hit me up with any further questions :)

[wannawritefast]

Whiplash (Prologue)

A/N: Hey, guys! Long time no see! This is a fluffy little, slow burn, friends-to-lovers, fake dating Christmas fic I’ve been working on. Basically if it gets enough attention I’ll write and post the rest.

Fandom: Bo Rhap

Pairing: Gwylim! Brian x Reader

You threw your pencil at your friend and he dodged it while falling to the floor in a fit of laughter, curls bobbing as he went down.

“It’s a fortnight before final exams, Bri!” You were torn between whether you yourself were going to laugh or cry. Your emotions hadn’t decided yet. “And I’ve hardly made any progress on my thesis!” Brian howled in laughter as he continued rolling in the doorway of your dorm. You crossed your arms over your chest and pursed your lips. “Forgive me if I forgot that two plus one is three.”

Brian got his bearings. “I was going to ask you how you were doing but I think that was answer enough.” He stood to his feet and dusted himself off before offering his hand to you. “Come on.”

“What?” You glanced between his outstretched palm and amused face.

“We’re leaving, come on.” Brian walked over and grabbed your hand. He began to pull you out of your chair.

You locked your legs, slamming the brakes on what was happening. “What do you mean ‘we’re leaving’?”

“I mean ‘we’re leaving and I’m taking you off campus to get food because I’m willing to bet that you can’t tell me the last time you ate a proper meal or at least left this cave of a room.”

You gaped, speechless. You honestly couldn't recall. Brian started pulling you along again. “Brian, Brian. Wait!”

He halted again. “What?”

“I can’t leave right now! I have too much to do.” Leaving right now was not a logical use of your time. You had better things to do, like studying, rather than going out for dinner. “I have so many notes to go over and I haven’t finished grading my section’s tests for Professor-”

“I’ll help you grade the tests,” he answered calmly. “Remember, I TA for the sections that you don’t. I’ve finished mine. I can help you with yours.” Brian pulled you away from your desk for a third time.

“I shouldn’t leave. I… I’ll eat when I finish this set of notes.” Your hands still interlocked, you began pulling him back to your desk.

“You’ll feel better after you eat.” Brian walked you toward the door once more. “You won’t be productive if you don’t take a break. You’ll fry your brains.”

You took a deep breath. He was right, you supposed. You relaxed your strained stance and rolled back your shoulders exhaustedly. “Let me grab my shoes.”

[{...}]

Brian took you to a small diner a few miles off campus where you were subsequently seated at a small booth. You looked a mess, of that you were quite certain. But neither you, Brian, nor the wait staff cared.

The moment your plate with a burger, chips, and a pickle slice was placed in front of you, your hunger hit you at full force. For a few minutes, both you and Brian yammed in contented silence.

“Brian,” you spoke through a mouthful of chips. He nodded in acknowledgment. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet,” he replied.

As if on cue, the server set down two milkshakes in front of the both of you. You dropped the chip from your fingers and looked at Brian. You felt yourself tear up.

“Are you alright?” He asked with concern as you stared down the glass of cold deliciousness.

“Are you for real, Brian,” you asked, meeting his hazel eyes with your own. You were genuinely touched by the gesture. “My god,” you laughed, “I mean, will you marry me?”

Brian rubbed the back of his neck with a cheeky smile and sighed. “I don’t know. I have a long line of suitors.”

“You took me to get food,” you bargained playfully. “I must be pretty bloody high up, ranking-wise.” You pulled the milkshake toward you and took a drink of the delectable dessert.

“At the very top.”

The two of you ate the rest of your dinner talking and joking about the effects of maths on the human psyche. Immediately after dinner, you and Brian walked around the city. A chance to stretch your legs a bit before returning to your work, he had said.

The city at night with the faintest lights of the stars right behind the skyline was a sight to behold. The people around you bustled and cars honked blissfully ignoring the universe just outside of their own little worlds.

“Our universe is strange, isn’t it,” you said out of the blue. Brian cocked his head at you with his hands shoved in his pockets. “I mean here we are, living, breathing accumulations of stardust and elements of the cosmos, and yet each and every one of us humans is so different. I mean person to person, life is never the same and we find ways to relate to each other and find our way to those who know us best.”

Brian chuckled to himself and playfully nudged you. “This isn’t your way of telling me you’re switching to a Literature major, is it? Because that would be utter bollocks.” You threw your head back and laughed. “I’m serious! There’s very few astrophysics majors I can actually talk to. Poor blokes have terrible social skills. I can’t TA on my own either… That would be a nightmare.”

“No, Brian,” you corrected with a lingering giggle, “this is my way of saying that I’m really thankful that the universe made us friends. I’ll have you know, I reckon you’re my best friend actually.” Something about the day was making you feel particularly sentimental.

People didn’t usually take kindly to finding out you were a woman in a science field. Even as a little girl the other girls at school didn’t allow you to play with them and the boys were less than impressed by the fact that you were interested in the same things that they were when they had gone previously unchallenged. High school wasn’t much better.

Not even your family was thrilled by your academic achievements and career choices. You constantly battled them on your choice to pursue your love of space science. You had to fight to be where you were at the university against bigoted professors and even more bigoted classmates.

Brian treated you like you were a classmate of his, female or not. And he had, on more than one occasion, defended your right to be in the astrophysics program. Needless to say, not only was Brian a breath of fresh air but he was your lifeline.

“Well, that’s unfortunate,” Brian replied. 

“Oh…” You breathed. Your heart panged painfully. That wasn’t exactly what you had expected.

“Because you’re stuck with this curly-haired bloke forever now,” he teased. You laughed in response. That’s all he ever seemed to make you do. “Seriously… is that your final answer?”

“Brian!” You scolded teasingly.

“I’m serious,” he laughed out. “I am really just a blundering idiot behind this modelesque facade.”

“It must be so hard for you,” you said, rolling your eyes.

“Hey, nobody said beauty was easy, Y/n.”

[marauders-fanfilm]

Long Overdue Update

Hey everyone!    First and foremost, I want to issue an apology. I posted an update at the end of 2018 for the backers on Kickstarter & Indiegogo, but neglected to post it to our social media pages, and that’s on me. We are still here, we are still hard at work, and I apologize for neglecting our Social Media lately. I am making a point to rectify this for the future.

   Yes, the project has taken far longer than any of us anticipated, and while it is not any one person’s fault, I will take responsibility here on behalf of the production. And for that I apologize to all of our backers, our fans, and to our cast and crew. We all want to see this project completed, and our Post Production team have been pouring their hearts into doing so. Unfortunately as we all are working as unpaid volunteers, and we all have other commitments we must prioritize- Day jobs, school, families, etc, and as such our availabilities fluctuate week to week. But our team has been generously donating their nights and weekends to the film, and the results so far have been amazing. That said, if anyone has experience in Visual Effects and really wants to contribute, we’d always be happy to have more hands!

   Outside of Visual Effects, which is the main thing that has been taking time on this project, the score is almost complete, and is sounding absolutely beautiful. It’s taken a while, as composer Paul Bourque has been quite busy with his own professional music career, but it is going to be worth the wait. There’s also going to be a fair bit more on the Official Score than just what is heard in the film. I truly think you’re all going to love it!   It has come to our attention lately that there have been some questions circulating about the film’s budget and how it was spent. This is absolutely fair, and I’m happy to expand more upon that and what’s been going on lately, though I am going to add a cut here before this post gets any longer! TLDR, we’re still here, still hard at work, and while it has taken longer than any of us anticipated, we truly feel that it will be worth the wait -Aaron Director, The Gathering Storm

    2017 was largely a year of delays and roadblocks, and that slowed things down a lot. Our original VFX Supervisor (a team of one) finally left the project after almost a year of delays, admitting he just didn’t have the free time to commit to the project. We brought on a new team of VFX artists, but after several months, they too left the project, admitting that they just didn’t have the time with their academic workload. This just left our current VFX Supervisor, Martin Bayang, alone, and essentially still stuck at the starting line.

    But with our last update in April of 2018 we began to search for additional artists to help tackle the 350 or so VFX shots of varying complexity in the film. I am proud to say that we now have a team of six incredibly talented artists working on the film, led by Martin, and we are about halfway through the visual effects! I have been personally going through every new shot alongside Martin, and I am THRILLED with how everything looks so far. These amazing artists, who range from a talented High School student to a Visual Effects artist from Game of Thrones, have been working tirelessly to bring the magic to life, and you won’t be disappointed. That said, in the last few months several of our artists have had to leave the project due to a lack of available free time to continue working on it. We still have several active members on our team, and are currently pursuing more. We are working as hard, and as fast, as we possibly can to bring you guys this story, and we really do appreciate your patience.     There have been claims lately that the production was not as transparent as we should have been. While there is nothing nefarious being concealed, these claims aren’t necessarily wrong either. While we’ve tried to keep you all updated of the progress on the project, I have kept some of the individual personal issues behind closed doors, and that may have been a mistake.  I would like to rectify this by offering an explanation to at least some of this:     When we began production back in 2014, I believed the producer we had knew what they were doing. When it became clear that this was not the case (losing one of our key locations just days before filming began), they were replaced by their Associate Producer, who managed to successfully get us through all three rounds of filming. When filming wrapped however, that producer stepped off the project as well, leaving the responsibilities of Producer on me, in addition to my responsibilities as Director. A couple members of the cast stepped up to help, and we couldn’t have gotten this far without them, but they too have careers and personal lives, for the last two years I’ve been doing my best to steer this ship on my own.

   Since then, I have done everything in my power to keep things moving through Post Production. Through multiple editors stepping off the project midway, starting us back at the beginning, before finally reaching picture lock. Through numerous VFX artists delaying for months before admitting they hadn’t completed anything and moving on. Through several days of insert & pickup shoots. Through weekly score and VFX meetings and hundreds of hours of video and audio post-production work, and occasionally when I get a chance, updating our Social Media.. I have given up numerous career opportunities, and more personal social plans than I can count. And none of that is meant to be me looking for sympathy. But when I tell you that we are here, busting our butts working to get this done, and that we’re just as eager to see it completed as any of you, I want you to understand how much I truly mean that.  In Regards to Questions About our Budget:

It has been brought to my attention that there were some serious questions and rumors circulating regarding the film’s budget, and how funds were allocated. I went back through all of our records, and totaled things up to come up with a total of what the numbers actually ended up being. Filmmaking, especially something like TGS, is expensive. But for anyone with questions, I would like to take a minute to go through the exact numbers: • Equipment Rental: 31.3% Obviously the biggest chunk of the budget, this covered the camera and lens rentals, the steadicam rig rental, the lighting and grip equipment rentals (Dolly tracks, stands, lights, disposables, etc), as well as sound recording equipment through three separate rounds of filming. This ran us more than our Kickstarter estimate, though less than our Indiegogo estimate.

• Transportation: 26.9% This covered everything from truck rentals to haul all of the equipment and set dressings, to shuttle vans for the cast and crew, to gas, to flights to bring back members of the cast who had moved after Principal Photography. While Transpo is usually a significant portion of the budget on major productions, it isn’t on smaller student projects, and this ate a large portion of our budget. But we had locations all over New England, and a significant number of our team were students without their own means of transportation. This was an area where our producers definitely really undershot the budget, unfortunately. • Locations 19.3% Another one of the major factors separating us from other student and fan film  projects. To capture the look and feel of Hogwarts, we shot at a number of incredible locations across New England, from a castle, to several churches, and a museum. But venues like that, often used for Weddings, aren’t cheap. We were prepared for that. What we weren’t prepared for was having to schedule additional days in these venues (I will come back to this).

Production Design, Props, Wardrobe, and Makeup 11.6% Self explanatory, but yes. All of the School Uniforms for our cast and extras. Other costumes for the cast, from their casual clothes to the Professors’ costumes, and more. Props and set dressing. Furniture. All the little stuff you likely won’t notice when it’s there, but are what make the scenes come to life. We managed to stay under budget on this one.

Crafty/Meals 6.3% This is one  of the categories I’ve seen a lot of rumors and accusations circling around, so I feel I need to explain this: Feeding your team on set is standard protocol. When they’re working 12-14 hours a day, there isn’t time for people to grocery shop and meal prep before work, or for people to venture out to grab lunch (nor was there much around many of these locations). Let alone, all of these people were taking time off of work, unpaid, to be there.  A warm meal is the bare minimum we could do. That said, I think there might have been some misconceptions because previous budgets described it simply as crafty, leading some people to believe this part of the budget just accounted for a table of snacks, instead of the reality of this section of the budget covering all food/beverage costs. We actually ended up staying well under budget in this category.

Production 2.4% This one isn’t particularly interesting. Basically miscellaneous. Various little expenses that don’t fall into other categories. Fees, office supplies, legal advice, printing scripts and sides, etc. About what we budgeted on the IGG budget.

Post Production 2.2% While none of our post team are paid, this covers costs like Dropbox, Stock Footage, and the software we purchased for our composer. 

    When we started this project, almost all of us were students. Students with a dream of continuing the world of our favorite franchise, of telling the story we’d always wanted to see told. But we were students nonetheless, still growing, still learning our craft, still making plenty of mistakes along the way. After this project and several years of experience in the field, I can say there were places where we could have trimmed some of the fat. But beyond the basic costs of producing a film like this, the big thing that drove up the budget was just bad luck/human error. I’ve spoken about it before, but during principal photography, there was a power glitch during a footage transfer that corrupted data and lost us several days of filming that we had to go back and reshoot. And unfortunately during the first round of pickups in 2015, an error by our producer cost us the use of one of our main locations, resulting in us needing to bring everyone back and do a second round of pickups: Re-Renting gear and transportation, booking more days at the location (who decided to jack up their price), etc. Because of this, the crowdfunding budget was spent before we finished that third round of filming. I know that statement is going to upset people, but we’re making a point of transparency here, and it’s a significant piece of what I’ve been avoiding making public. Since 2015, I’ve been covering everything since then out of my own pocket. Because while it wasn’t my errors that cost us, the other producers have all left the project, and at the end of the day, this is my project, my baby, that I am determined to see through to completion. Because you, our fans, and our dedicated team all deserve to see it done.     I know the next question following that will be regarding Backer Perks - Don’t worry, they won’t be affected. Most of them are already here in boxes, ready and waiting. However, there are still a couple things remaining, first and foremost the DVDs of the film, which obviously can’t be printed until the project is completed. Because of this, and the fact that the vast majority of backers are receiving DVDs, they’re unfortunately going to have to wait until then to go out. I have been putting money away for the last few years to cover the cost of DVD Printing and Shipping, and it’s all ready and waiting for post to be completed. And I know a lot of you have asked about this - Once we’re at that point, we’ll get in contact with everyone receiving packages to confirm their current address before mailing!    So yes, it’s been a long and difficult journey. It’s taken far longer than any of us planned. We’ve had dozens of team members come and go, but no matter what, we’ve kept working. Because we love this world, we love this project, and we love you guys. None of this would have been possible without you. All of the pieces are starting to come together, and I could not possibly be more excited to share it with all of you.  Until then,  Mischief Managed Aaron

[monarchstudies]

DISCLAIMER: I am in no way a licensed psychologist (as of yet), & so do not take this in the same light as you would a licensed psychologist. This is made to help future & current college students understand what it’s like to go through college with an invisible disability, as per my own experience of having invisible disablities, plus working at my job in my university’s Students with Disabilities Services office. This post is not excluding those with visible disabilities, but it is merely shining a light on something that isn’t talked about as much.

The term ‘invisible disability’ may confuse some people who have never heard it. According to the Invisible Disabilities Association’s website, the following is the official definition of this term: 

People often ask what the term invisible disability means. To define invisible disability in simple terms is a physical, mental or neurological condition that limits a person’s movements, senses, or activities that is invisible to the onlooker. Unfortunately the very fact that these symptoms are invisible, can lead to misunderstandings,  false perceptions and judgments. 

For the sake of this post, we will stick with the four I have personally been afflicted with: chronic insomnia, severe depression, arthritis, & anxiety. Below is an anecdote about my invisible disabilities & what I went through in college.

When I started college in 2015, I was already diagnosed with the four disorders listed above due to severe trauma experienced throughout my childhood & into adolescence. I had been going through psychotherapy as a result, but halted it because the distance was too great for me to travel (especially since I don’t have a car). I had also been diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome (a misdiagnosis upon my doctor’s part, which eventually got diagnosed correctly as arthritis), & it was difficult to write notes or even sit in class due to the almost unbearable amounts of pain in my left hand, plus my insomnia had been pretty much kicking my butt, & so I decided it was time to go to my university’s Students with Disabilities Services office (it may be named something different on your college’s campus). 

The front desk assistant (who became my co-worker) was very kind, but I was afraid to tell her that I really wanted help with my insomnia, depression, & anxiety in an academic sense, so I only talked to her about how I could barely write due to my carpal tunnel. She gave me some papers in regarding how to get registered with their office, as well as what forms to bring in from my doctor regarding my disability. 

The word disability made me not come back to that office until I started working there in August of 2016. This was because I believed that the word ‘disability’ was reserved for people who were in wheelchairs, or had lost limbs, or had traumatic brain injuries, or had Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Working for SDS changed my view on this, but it was that initial stigma of being labeled with a disability that halted me from getting the help I desperately needed for an entire year in college. 

Fast forward to October of 2016. I’m suffering. I finally got back into therapy thanks to my university’s counseling center, but I’m still suffering academically. There are days where I can’t get out of bed from my depression or my joints locking up painfully, days where I’m so exhausted I can barely see the board, days where I physically cannot be in the classroom or else I might have some form of an anxiety attack, days where my own professors ask me if I was okay because my eyes were red & I was trembling. My job at SDS is wonderful, & I started to learn about what’s known as ‘invisible disabilities’, which a lot of the students we service have. I learn from my Associate Director, who had been concerned about my change in persona at work, that I can register as a student with the office. I’m immediately getting those feelings of the ‘stigma’ again, but she assures me about the one thing our office holds to highly: confidentiality. 

In order to keep this story short, I registered with the Students with Disabilities Services office. I had to get some paperwork from my counselor & submit it, register online with the initial application, & then meet with my assigned coordinator about what they could do to help me better myself academically. Everything - as my Associate Director said - was confidential. The only people who knew that I was registered with the office was the SDS office themselves, my counselor, & my teachers, who I had to provide a ‘Letter of Accommodations’ that only told them that I had accommodations, but nothing about my actual disabilities. I was in control about who got to know about this.

Now, in my final year of college, I’m feeling ready. I have my university behind me every step of the way, helping me deal with my invisible disability as I finish off college. 

So future & current college students, take this away from this post:

If you have an invisible disability & it is hurting you academically, don’t be afraid to seek help through your university. Your school’s counseling center will not judge you. Your therapist outside of school will not judge you (if your school does not have its own counseling center). Your Disabilities Office will not judge you. They are there to help you, & they will do so with confidentiality & your best interests in mind. 

It is not like high school or middle school, where your parents had to jump through the fire hoops that is the school administration to get you the accommodations you need. YOU are in control of who gets to know about your disability, & that is a right you get while being in college. 

While perusing your school’s website, look through their Disabilities Office tab/website. Take some time to read through what they offer, or even give a call to their office to talk to someone on the phone about things you’re not sure about. Your counselor’s office is often linked closely with the Disabilities Office, & so you may also find help there with your own counselor. 

Do not believe in the ‘you won’t get this kind of treatment in the outside world’ talk you may receive from friends, family, or staff members outside of the Disabilities Office. Industrial/Organizational Psychologists are beginning to help companies & businesses understand the importance of positive mental health within the workplace. If employees have poor mental health, it will be detrimental to their business, & so more & more employers are trying their best to implement the ability to take Mental Health Days to aid in better employee mental health. 

And, most of all:

Whatever your invisible disability is, it is valid. It is real, & if it is affecting you, you have every right to seek help to try & find something/someone to help you get better.

If you have any further questions or concerns regarding this, feel free to inbox me at any point in time. Hope this possibly changed your mind or assisted in de-stigmatizing invisible disabilities. 

[academla]

Summer 2017 Update

Hey guys! Finally, another big update post. If you haven’t read these before, I split it into sections: Academic, Financial/Professional, Social, Mental Health, and anything else I feel like. Feel free to skim! (Give this a like if you’re actually reading it because I feel like most people ignore these update posts, which is fine, I’m just curious haha.)

Academic

I go back to school on September 5. I’m super excited, but I think my underlying anxiety has been affecting me a bit.

Classes I’m taking on campus: Classics of Children’s Literature, Abnormal Psychology, and Ethics & Society (an Honors seminar).

Classes I’m taking online: History of World Civilizations Before 1500 & Child Psychology.

Here are some comments on each class so far (I’m nothing if not thorough, guys):

Children’s Lit: Well, Harry Potter is on the reading list, so I’m already there. I’ve emailed the professor already and she seems super nice, so I’m pretty excited. The syllabus is a bit intimidating; I’m sure it will be fine, though, and having a nice professor makes a huge difference.

Abnormal Psych: I’m going to have the same prof as I did for Intro, and I’m really pumped about that (so is she). I’m nervous because the tests are harder and longer, but she was very reassuring that I’ll be fine. There was a whole issue because I thought that Abnormal had service learning linked to it (service learning is basically where you get experience doing things related to the course, so essentially volunteer/internship work) and was planning to use an internship that has been in the works since the winter for that. However, turns out that it isn’t linked. My prof was super nice and said she would be flexible. I emailed my adviser in a bit of a panic, and she informed me that actually service learning is no longer a requirement of my major. So, I’m going to go ahead and do the internship for my resume, but not have to worry about the assignments and grade aspect.

Ethics & Society: I don’t know anything about this really, but I do know that the professor is well-liked and I’ve seen him a few times.

History: Okay, so I hate history. I’m quite well-rounded as a student and I know that I’m lucky that most classes, I do very well in and enjoy. But history just... I don’t even know. My history teachers in the past have all thought I was really good, and I was grade-wise; I simply didn’t enjoy it. So to make this bearable, I know I need to have a professor I like. I was going to take it on campus, and emailed briefly with the professor I was going to have, but he had bad RateMyProfessors ratings and struck me as not very personable or understanding or nice. I checked about online courses and saw that there is one being taught by the director of the Honors College that I’m in, whom I really like and has a great reputation and ratings. Unfortunately there is a $125 fee associated with online courses that I wasn’t aware of, but cost-benefit wise, I really think I’ll be happiest like this.

Child Psych: Oh GOD. Why am I so extra? I emailed the prof once and she was super nice. Then I replied, and since online courses are different from real-life ones in that you don’t really get that ‘getting-to-know-you’ vibe with professors because it’s so remote, I mentioned that I can be an anxious student. I just said basically that means sometimes I’ll ask a lot of questions or check and double-check things for reassurance. I also asked if she was a professor willing to look at drafts or not. She completely got the wrong impression and sent back an email (that was quite final too; signed it “All the best”) as though I had been a hysterical student coming to her with anxiety that I had no idea how to handle. She told me that there are personal counseling services offered by the college as well as the writing center with writing tutors. I’ve had outside counseling for 7 years, and I’m a writing tutor... so that was ironic and also a little embarrassing. Whoops. Honestly, when I get embarrassed about things like that (which I often do) I kind of remind myself that I’m just there to learn and hopefully earn that A, so what they think of me doesn’t matter that much.

All and all, I’m excited for school to start. I want to learn things and take notes and have stuff to do. I also have waves of anxiety, which I’m working very hard to combat with reality checks and focusing on the positives. Oh, and I got an A somehow on my chem accelerated summer course :)

Financial

I have worked two jobs this summer after a lot of miscommunication and lack of clarity:

A preschool, the same one I worked at during my gap year. It was unfortunate because I thought I was going to work full-time there after my chem course, but they didn’t need me because they had so much help. I ended up working Thursdays and Fridays there and Monday through Wednesday at my dad’s job. Now that all the summer help is leaving, though, they’re back to being in desperate need. Everyone there is pretty stressed (and families have been leaving).

At the place my dad works. They produce food and formula for people with metabolic disorders (primarily PKU). I was extremely appreciated there, which was nice, and I got a $4 raise on my second week! They’re desperately understaffed and having problems with their products, as well as not being able to keep up with general demand. I electronically filed faxes dating back to 2016, stuffed envelopes (my favorite), put in tons of orders (one day I put in 34 out of a total 62 orders that day), and by the end was allowed to check emails and reply to some of them. I LOVED the job. However, there’s the possibility I might be able to work there on Fridays during the school year, which I would love. It’s stressful there because there’s so much shit going on and people are basically running around putting out fires all day, but I enjoy my work so much.

During the year, I’m hoping to work at my dad’s job on Fridays, do my psychology internship (if you don’t recall, I’m going to be working at a VA hospital helping with a study on suicide prevention), and tutor! I’m a math and writing tutor. They’re two completely different trainings and types of tutoring, so it should be interesting. Luckily we get to shadow a writing tutor for awhile before being on our own.

I’m not doing well with money, guys. The entire year of 2017, I’ve only made $300 or so. I’ve spent $1,800 on school, even with scholarships, and $940 on medical things such as medication and copays. I did win a $1,000 scholarship which has been very delayed in arriving and I’m praying it will get here by the end of this week or next week so it can be applied to my account. I didn’t work over winter break, which was really my downfall; I needed the time for a mental health break, though... so I’m trying not to beat myself up over it.

Unfortunately it took awhile too for me to lock down my jobs, meaning I only got to work for like 4 or 5 weeks. That really isn’t very much money even with the raise I got. Right now I’m owing $615 per month for my payment plan, and even with tutoring and potential Fridays at my dad’s job, I’m definitely going to lose money. I’m considering taking one winter class online, so I can still work all winter break. That $125 extra fee from my web class sure didn’t help me.

But I must soldier on! I’m going to make sure that none of my money ever goes to frivolous things and never goes to waste. Money is meant to be spent and not hoarded, as my mom reminds me, and it’s okay to spend some on things like going out every so often as well, so I shouldn’t be beating myself up for that (though I still am). School was always going to suck up money. I’m trying very very hard to stay in the moment now and not stress about next semester or worse, what will happen when I get hit with that $30k bill when I transfer and don’t have even close to that much saved.

Social

I’ve changed several times throughout my life socially. In 9th grade, I was extremely social because I needed to be and I had trouble being by myself. It was a lot like that through high school. When I made online friends in 11th grade, they were my social life while drama and bullying and shit went on in real life. Recently, I had a major burst in socialness online, and eventually reached breaking point when I became embroiled in drama.

Look, I’m 20 years old. I’m turning 21 in November. I had to ask myself, why the fuck am I on vacation with family, working on scholarship essays last-minute, and spending my time in the bathroom on my phone dealing with drama with someone years and years younger who’s slandering me to people whose opinions I shouldn’t give two shits about?

That was a big reality check. Because I wanted vengeance, I did. I wanted so badly to expose someone who was gleaning attention and convincing others and spreading half-truths and ruining people’s lives. But then I realized, you know what? That isn’t my goal in life. My goal in life isn’t to tear people down because they’ve torn others down. It’s so, so difficult. I was angry. I was upset. This person violated all of my principles. And we had the evidence against them, we could have potentially won most people over, and I wanted it not for my sake but for the sake of those they had hurt so much more than they hurt me.

But I couldn’t do it. In the end, I called it off. I backed out. I told people to lay off and let karma do its work. I realized how toxic the situation was, how absurd it was for me to be living on the internet when I’m in one of the most exciting periods of my life. How utterly imbecilic I was acting, getting caught up in so much senseless, meaningless, fruitless drama.

After that, I disengaged further from large social groups. I was already overwhelmed by the amount of people always trying to talk to me, so I had to cut myself off from that. And it feels so. Much. Better.

I’ve become more introverted, really. I work all day, then I write fanfiction and watch Netflix and color in my room by myself and I love it. I have any number of people I could hit up anytime and ask to hang out or video chat. But I don’t feel that push, that obsessive need, to be social all the time. Social media became addicting. I still work on that.

I’ve stayed in touch with real-life friends and done things with them when I had the energy, money, and time. Unfortunately my ex and then long-time guy friend both asked me out, and that was incredibly awkward, and the end of that. The trouble with my school is that there are a lot of dual enrollment students who are like, 16 or 17. Much as I love them, I’ve been thirsting for someone my own age with similar interests who I can hang out with. At the tutoring training I attended, I met someone (a guy, oooh). He’s 21 and we had a really good time together. I’m hoping we can hang out once the semester starts! I also met a girl who’s only 17, but she seems very mature and sweet and I also hope to hang out with her.

Things are good socially. I’m always working on that area of my life (with regards to mental health, mostly) but I’m still going strong. I have moments of loneliness for sure. However, I’m happy with myself and happy with my life. That’s what counts.

Mental health

If 10 is completely flawless and 0 is utter breakdown and 5 is rough, I would say my summer has been a solid 7 or 8. Which is pretty damn good!

Areas I’m working on still:

Body image. My ED voice has been loud this summer. That’s probably the area of most concern to me.

Anxiety. It hasn’t been too bad, but with transitions it usually increases, and I’ve noticed myself being more anxious (free-floating anxiety mostly) and irritable in the past few days.

Worrying way too much about others’ opinions. This pretty much traces to the internet. I mean, before I went on hiatus, I had tens of thousands of people criticizing my every word and move. That takes a toll. Moreover, as a fanfic writer, it’s pretty difficult to post things to the internet without craving comments and kudos and hits. I’ve turned off viewing hits for my own sanity, and taken breathers when I felt like I was getting too hung up on the ‘popularity’ of my fics. I write for myself, because I enjoy it. Not for the attention. I just have to remind myself of that from time to time, and I try not to be competitive. It’s really the numbers that get me - the hits and the kudos. I mean, I compare myself to people in different fandoms, fandoms I don’t even write for. It’s so dumb.

All in all, I’m proud of how I’ve been doing. I do have moments of stress mainly about money, but that’s par for the course. I would say I’ve made a 100% improvement from last summer/year and intend to continue doing so, even in light of the impending stressors.

Other

My new favorite movie is Gifted. Oh my god, I love it so much. I’ve seen it like, 5 times (2 of those were illegally whoops). I’ve been fairly active on Snapchat still - add me there edye327. I don’t really have much else to say, except thank you to people who have bought me things from my wishlist that I couldn’t otherwise afford. I haven’t gotten anything recently, but I just wanted to reiterate my appreciation.

If you’ve read this all the way through, reply with the color of your favorite shirt.

Much love,

Edye

[finn-nelson-for-the-win]

Changing Priority- Chapter 14

So I meant to post this yesterday, that way I would spread posting 3 new chapters over the span of 3 days…but after work and whatnot yesterday, I was way too tired to edit and post this. So yeah…I hope you enjoy this chapter and as always, thanks for reading/reblogging/liking/following/etc. and just basically boosting my ego and inspiring me to keep writing and posting for you all.

Chapters 1-13 can all be found right here!

Unfamiliar Territory

 Rae had spent all of Friday after she got off work trying to recover from her hangover and catch up on sleep, cleaning, and Netflix binge watching that she had been neglecting for the past week; however, this left Saturday as Rae’s only free day to run some necessary errands prior to the new semester of Uni beginning on Monday.

 After spending a couple hours tending to the plants in her garden on campus, Rae walked to the Campus Bookstore to purchase all of the necessary textbooks that she needed for the upcoming semester, at least according to her professors.

 Nine books…nine FUCKING BOOKS!?! ALL FOR ONE CLASS?

 “Ugh, you have to be shitting me…” Rae mumbled, earning a chuckle from one of the student workers at the bookstore that was restocking the books on a shelf a short distance from Rae.

 “Do you need help finding any of your books? I see you’ve amassed quite a collection already…” asked the short, lanky boy as he took a short break from placing books on the nearby shelf.

 “Uhm, yes, actually! This book right here, ‘Art Across Time: Volume B’…I know you guys have it brand new to purchase or rent, but do you have any used copies to purchase or rent? This one book costs more than I was planning to spend an all my books this semester, combined!” Rae replied incredulously.

 “Yikes, yeah, that book is a pricey one…unfortunately, if it isn’t on the shelves, we don’t have it. If you don’t wanna pay this much you might be able to find it online for cheaper, but I wouldn’t bet on it…”

 “Ah, I see…well, thank you anyways.” Rae said politely as she debated purchasing the book now or taking the risk of being unable to find it online.

 “Sorry I couldn’t really help, but let me know if you need any further help…”

 “Don’t worry about it and yeah, okay. Thank you!” Rae added, giving the worker a friendly smile, before deciding it best to get the textbook now regardless of the price.

 Rae walked out of the aisle of alphabetized books sorted by course titles AIS through ART and found an unattended counter to set down the growing pile of books she had been carrying to give her arms a rest before pulling her cell phone from her purse.

 Rae opened up her mobile banking app to ensure that she had enough money in her account to purchase all the textbooks she would be needing and gasped audibly when she noticed her account balance.

 Holy shit! It looks like the direct deposit from my tuition refund finally hit my account!

 Rae breathed a sigh of relief because her hard work the previous semester had paid off and she had not only received a high enough GPA to maintain her academic scholarship, but also to qualify for the tuition assistance her job offered. Between the two scholarships, Rae had more than enough money to cover all her expenses for this semester while still having a decent amount of money left over.

 Rae knew that it was already getting late and the bookstore would be closing soon, so she sighed and picked up the stack of books she was going to be purchasing before walking to the opposite side of the store.

 Well…so much for that tuition refund I got…

 Rae waited in line for the next available cashier to ring up her purchase and tried to mentally prepare herself to spend roughly three paychecks worth of money on a total of twelve textbooks.

 ***

 Rae had been putting off thinking about the current situation between her and Finn with some success over the past day and a half, but as she began the nearly hour long walk back to her apartment with her recently purchased textbooks, her thoughts began to wander.

 In a much more sober state of mind, Rae was not nearly as affected by what she had discovered while browsing Finn’s Instagram as she had been Thursday evening on the floor of Izzie’s kitchen, but she was still confused.

 As much as I love Izz and Archie, they’re too emotionally invested in Finn and me becoming a thing to give me a straight answer about all of the questions holding me back from making the first move with Finn.

 I need an unbiased opinion in the matter…

 As the sun continued setting, the chilly January evening air began to set in and Rae found that she was less than halfway to her apartment and her fingertips and the tip of her nose had nearly lost all feeling.

 I suppose I have nowhere else to be tonight, so I have some time to spare…

 Rae crossed the street a short distance up the road and walked towards the café that she had been frequenting for the past couple months. When she walked inside, she skipped the line that she would normally stand in and decided to grab a table and warm up a bit more before putting in her order.

 Shit! What if I see Eric the Barista today…will it be awkward?

 Rae pushed the thought to the back of her mind after a quick look toward the counter where the only employees she could see were a number of girls around Rae’s age and the man in his mid-forties that Rae has always assumed to be the owner or manager of the café.

 The warmth was slowly returning to Rae’s fingertips and rosy cheeks as she skimmed through the various required readings she had purchased or rented for all her classes. When Rae began to feel bad about loitering at the small table in the far corner of the café as she people-watched and took advantage of the coffee-scented warm atmosphere that had a vague familiarity to Rae, she decided that if she wanted to stay any longer, she needed to order something.

 Rae stood from the table and left all of her belongings behind to save her spot as she walked up to the counter with her credit card and cellphone in-hand.

 “Hello! Can I have a hot chai latte with soy milk?” Rae said to one of the female baristas behind the counter that she often saw when she came in before work most days.

 “Sure thing! For here, I’m assuming, since you have all your stuff over there, huh?” Rae chuckled and nodded as the barista entered Rae’s order into the machine in front of her, “And your name is…wait, I know it…don’t tell me…”

 “Rae!”

 “Seriously, Eric? I was just about to guess that!” the Barista jokingly complained as she wrote Rae’s name on the order.

 “Hey, Jessie, this drink is on me today…” Eric said to the barista that had taken Rae’s order as he walked up to the counter and gave Rae a toothy smile that made his simple steel lip ring stand out against his impossibly perfect, white teeth.

 “Ah, you’re too late, buddy!” Jessie replied as she handed Rae the receipt and her credit card back, “You’re all set, Rae. We’ll call your name at the other counter when your order is ready!”

 Rae thanked Jessie and gave Eric a small smile before walking back to her table in the far corner of the café.

 Almost as soon as Rae had sat back down and put her card back into her purse, she heard her phone buzz a few times against the table where she had set it down and she pressed the home button to unlock her phone.

Chloe: So guess who I just finished FaceTiming that is apparently much more up-to-date on the situation with your sexy coworker than me, your best friend for nearly a decade…

Chloe: No guesses?

Chloe: Abbie! I feel so out of the loop…is this punishment because my family went to Italy for Christmas and I couldn’t come visit you like we had considered back in August?

Rae: No, that’s not it at all. It’s just a lot to tell you about via text and I’ve been really busy with work lately. Plus, last I heard, you didn’t have internet access, so I didn’t know that FaceTiming or video chatting was an option for you.

Chloe: I was dying without internet and I felt so dead to the world, so I caved and paid a fucking insane amount of money to get wi-fi at our hotel for the rest of the week.

Chloe: We leave tomorrow, but maybe we can FaceTime tomorrow? Or once I’m back home if there’s a day we are both free? I want to know everything!

Rae: Yeah, I don’t know when I’ll be free since my classes start on Monday, but I’ll let you know.

Rae locked her phone and dropped it into her purse before sighing and covering her face with her hands.

 Chloe is probably the last person I want to discuss the whole situation with Finn with until I figure a few more things out.

 Rae was brought back from her thoughts by the sound of someone politely clearing their throat to get Rae’s attention. She lifted her head from where she had been resting on her hands to see Eric the Barista standing behind the chair opposite of her with her latte on a small plate in one hand and a small platter of various pastries in the other.

 “Oh! Were you calling my name? I didn’t even hear you, I’m so sorry…” Rae replied with an embarrassed smile as she removed her elbows from the small table to allow Eric to set down her drink.

 “Don’t worry about it! When I finished making your drink I saw that you were busy on your phone and I had a spare moment, so I decided to just bring your drink directly to you and greet you properly,” he replied with a shrug after setting her latte down before continuing, “I also wanted to drop these off for you…”

 Eric placed the small rectangular platter down on the table as well and Rae soon realized that the platter had a small slice of coffee cake, banana nut bread, and lemon poppy seed cake.

 “Oh, I didn’t order those…” Rae mumbled.

 Though they DO look really good…

 “I know, but I thought you seemed a little out of it today and thought you might like a little snack if you plan to stick around here sipping your latte for a while. I didn’t know what you liked, hence the variety, but they’re all fresh and I can assure you that they’re halfway decent!”

 “Thank you, Eric. That was really nice of you…completely unnecessary, but still nice,” Rae replied as she turned the plate to examine the different pastries, earning a chuckle and smile from Eric.

 “Eric, wait…” Rae found herself calling as Eric slowly turned to walk away from her table.

 What the fuck are you about to do, Rae…?

 Is this a good idea? Probably not. Will it make things any worse than they already are? Probably not…

 “Yes, Rae? Do you need anything else?” Eric asked, slipping back into customer service mode so fluidly it was clear to Rae that he had a lot of practice with this.

 “You mentioned that you had a spare moment…I don’t know if you had something else you needed to do or whatever, but uh…I could use the company, if you want to that is…these pastries are best when shared with a friend, right?”

 “I suppose I could stay and chat for a few minutes…” Eric said with a wide grin as he untied his apron and hung it over the back of the chair opposite Rae before taking a seat.

 “So Rae…if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were keeping tabs on me to ‘accidentally’ cross paths with me while I’m at work, since Saturday evenings aren’t your usual time for coffee…”

 “My ‘usual time’? Who is keeping tabs on who, now?” Eric laughed at how Rae had turned the tables on him, but she quickly continued, “I honestly didn’t even see you when I came in and then you just show up out of nowhere…”

 “Yeah, I actually spend most of my shifts in the back where the kitchen is. All these fresh baked pastries don’t bake themselves, you know!” Eric replied as he tore off a small piece of banana nut bread that Rae offered him on the plate and popped it into his mouth.

 “Huh, I never would have taken you for the baking type…they’re quite good though, so my compliments to the chef,” Rae added as she used a fork to cut off a small piece of the coffee cake and brought it into her mouth.

 “So how are you, Rae? Like I said earlier, you seem a little off…unless you frequently visit small coffee shops at night and sit with your head in your hands like you’re in the middle of a mental breakdown or an existential crisis..? Which if you do, that’s fine…I’ll only judge you a little bit…” Rae chuckled dryly because Eric was not far off from the truth, but his friendly tone seemed to be all the encouragement Rae needed to open up a bit more about what was on her mind.

 “Well I was walking past here and was really cold, so I came in to warm up. But you’re kind of right, I am a bit off, I suppose. I just have a lot on my mind and I’m trying to process everything but I’m not really making any progress.”

 “Would you care to elaborate at all, Rae? I’m a great listener, or so I’ve been told…”

 Rae looked up from her latte that she had been staring at for some time and saw Eric turned around slightly in his chair and having a silent conversation with Jessie from where she stood behind the counter.

 Less than a minute later, Jessie approached their shared table with a smug smile and placed a cup down in front of Eric before walking away.

 “I could feel a story coming on and I thought a cup of tea would pair nicely with whatever story you were about to tell me…” Eric relied when he noticed Rae’s look of confusion as he dropped the teabag into the cup of hot water to steep.

 “Ah, I see…well almost immediately before coming here I spent nearly a month’s rent on textbooks for the semester that starts on Monday at my Uni’s campus bookstore …which I’m not too thrilled about…”

 Eric nodded to show that he was still paying attention as he removed the teabag from his cup and took a cautious sip to avoid burning himself.

 “But mostly I’m just sort of…confused and maybe a bit…uhm, conflicted about something…”

 “About what?”

“Uh, about a boy…that I work with…”

“Ah, I see,” Eric replied as he took another sip of tea and tore off another small piece of banana nut break, “what is there to be confused or conflicted about?”

“Well I’ve been working with this guy for a few months now and I thought he was a total jerk at first, but slowly we became friends and I got to know him a bit…well long story short, I had a few friends insisting that he was flirting with me for a while before I even grew to like him and see him as more than just a coworker, but now I do like him…a lot…and I don’t know what to make of his feelings, since his actions have more or less remained unchanged and I am always getting mixed signals from this guy…”

 Rae had not intended to go into this much detail when telling Eric about everything that was on her mind, but as she sipped her chai latte and he drank his tea and they both nibbled on the pastries he had brought, the words kept coming and she told him almost every minute detail about the situation as Eric sat listening and reacting quietly when appropriate.

 “And so now there’s my childhood best mate, Chloe, the one I mentioned earlier…well, she wants to chat with me so I can fill her in on everything that is going on with my coworker and I don’t know what to say, you know? I obviously can’t say ‘oh he still flirts with me at work, but after I got shitfaced the other night I found him and his ex on Instagram and gave myself a panic attack because it seems like if he really liked me he would have made a move by now, since he’s had like two months to move on from his ex-girlfriend’ but I mean, that’s the truth…”

 Rae had run out of things to say and she sat in silence for a moment and took another sip of her drink that had cooled down a bit too much and was barely even warm at this point, but Rae was too distracted to notice or care.

 Eric sat in silence, nodding slightly as he drank the last bit of tea in his cup, processing everything that Rae had said and trying to gather his thoughts to say something.

 “Hmm…that’s quite a predicament you’re in, Rae…do you know what you’re planning to do or to tell her? Because it seems to me that before you can tell her what’s going on, it may be best for you to figure it out with yourself.”

 “I have no fucking clue what I should do at this point. This is all unfamiliar territory for me, Eric. I don’t really find myself being the object of men’s affections very often—if that’s even what this whole situation really is—so I’m still struggling to navigate my way through what everyone is telling me and how I feel.”

 “I find that very hard to believe, Rae, but okay…do you mind if I give you my input? A little bit of insight into the mind of a guy from the perspective of a guy…”

 “Not at all! Please, I’d greatly appreciate it actually, since I already know what everyone else I would talk to has to say about this whole thing.”

 “Well, I can’t speak for all guys, of course, but it seems to me like if he is stalling to avoid making the first move, it’s because he’s nervous that he’s going to screw it up. Based on everything you told me, I don’t doubt that this bloke is interested in you. But if he has been interested in you for a couple months now and it has mostly just been flirting, he’s probably in a similar position as you are and he’s trying to decide the best way to go about this that won’t backfire on him if you do not reciprocate his feelings…This coworker of yours seems kind of shy, so as a shy guy myself, I can tell you that it’s fucking nerve wracking when you finally decide to be more obvious with your flirting if you aren’t even sure that the person you’re flirting with will react well…” Eric looked away from Rae and began nervously examining his fingernails as he gently bit the inside of his bottom lip which made his lip ring wiggle in place slightly.

 “I suppose you could be right…it’s kind of reassuring to hear that someone like you who has never met my coworker and is not particularly biased is coming to the same conclusions as all my closest mates and coworkers. So clearly I’m not reading too much into things with him, right?”

 “Right! So if that is the case, he might need a little bit more confirmation from you that you are interested in him…I’m not saying that you need to make the first move or let him, uh, ‘whack it in you’ or, uhm, ‘explore your secret garden’ as some of your friends have suggested,” Eric began with an embarrassed chuckled before continuing, “but I think it could do both of you some good if you can both be more forward with your flirting just so you are both confident that the feelings are mutual.”

 “I think you’re right, Eric. Thank you for letting me vent and complain about the woes of my pathetic excuse of a love life to you.”

 “It’s been my pleasure, really. I really hope all this works out for you, Rae! I know it’s not my place to say this, but I just don’t want you to rush into anything you’re not ready for and I don’t want you to regret not doing anything, so I’d say just take your time figuring things out but let the pieces fall as they will and try not to force anything…If it’s meant to be, then it will be.” Eric gave Rae a smile and stood from his chair before putting his apron back on.

 Rae suddenly realized how long they had been talking for when she saw that the majority of the patrons who had filled the café before had left and they were down to a very small crew of employees who were mostly just talking behind the counter, since there were no new to customers to attend to at the moment.

 “I’m so sorry for keeping you so long! I hope you don’t get in trouble for taking such a long break instead of working!” Rae said with concern as Eric stacked the plates and cups they were now finished with for him to take away from the table.

 “In all honesty, I wasn’t even scheduled to work today, so I can’t imagine I’ll be in any trouble.”

 “If you aren’t supposed to be working, why are you here then?” Rae asked in confusion.

 “It’s kind of hard to say ‘no’ when your family owns the café…” Eric replied with a dramatic eye roll as he started walking away.

 Eric was a short distance from Rae’s table when he slowed to a stop and turned around, a look of hesitation and inner conflict obvious on his face before it was replaced with the toothy smile Rae was used to seeing on his face when he was taking customers’ orders.

 “I’m really glad I got to see you today, Rae. I hope everything works out how you want it to with your coworker, because I could tell how heavily the stress of all of that was weighing on you when you first got here. Be sure to come in and see me again sometime soon, okay Rae?” Eric gave Rae a quick wave with one hand before continuing his path towards the kitchen and disappearing behind a door.

 ***

 Sunday morning Rae had woken up in an unexpectedly good mood that she decided had to be attributed to her conversation with Eric the Barista the prior evening. Their discussion had given Rae a lot to consider, but more than anything, it had given her a new sense of clarity that certainly did not go unnoticed by her coworkers during her shift at work.

 “You certainly seem excited today, Rae. You do realize that the semester starts tomorrow, so what reason do you possibly have to be as happy as you are?” Archie asked with a joking scoff as he took a seat at the table Rae was sitting at in the break room.

 “Ugh, don’t remind me about classes starting. As it is, my bank account is still trying to recover from buying all the textbooks I’m going to need,” Rae said with a cringe.

 “If you truly must know, Archie, I am quite happy today I suppose…I just feel so at-ease with, well, everything.”

 Archie furrowed his eyebrows and gestured with his hand for Rae to continue, so she took a deep breath before continuing the conversation that she had known would be brought up at some point today.

 “So do you remember what I told you Friday at work about me drunk crying on Izzie’s kitchen floor on Thursday evening? Well, I basically gave myself a panic attack because I was overthinking the whole situation with…‘Alphonzo’…after I sort of stalked him and his ex-girlfriends’ Instagram pages…” Rae replied, trying to ignore Archie’s noticeable surprise as she casually told him more about her recent drunken antics.

 “So there’s that…and do you remember the guy from the café across the street that I mentioned had paid for my coffee and was flirting with me a bit…?”

 “Yes, I remember that too. I also remember the look of jealousy on Fi—Alphonzo’s face when you were talking about that, so if your goal was to make him jealous: mission accomplished! Seriously, he did not stop glancing over his shoulder at you for the rest of his shift on Friday and then—ugh, I really shouldn’t be telling you this, so you have to swear that you never heard it from me, okay?—and then yesterday he was asking me a bunch of questions about you and the barista you were talking about…”

 “Are you serious, right now? How did the even come up in conversation!? What kind of questions was he asking?” Rae asked slightly embarrassed that she had been a topic of conversation when she was not even at work.

 “Well someone else came in with a cup from the café and Peter and Melissa were chatting about what you had said and were wondering if ‘Rae’s not-so-secret admirer’ had been working or not and so he was asking me if I had ever seen the barista you were talking about, if I had ever gone to the café with you and seen you interact with this barista…If I thought you were interested in this barista more than you were letting on when you told the story…and he was asking me about whether or not I thought you liked how forward the barista was in terms of giving you free coffee and leaving a note on your coffee…stuff like that mostly. He was trying to be casual about it all, but I know him too well.” Archie replied with a self-satisfied smirk.

 “Wow…that’s kind of a great and crazy coincidence because yesterday evening I went to the café and I ended up talking to that barista, his name is Eric by the way, for like two hours…about Finn…”

 “Wait, so let me get this straight, Rae. You spent two hours last night talking and getting relationship advice about the bloke you like from a guy who two days prior gave you free coffee and flirted with you and professed his love for you in the form of a note on the side of your coffee cup…?”

 “Well, uh, sort of? I mean, he didn’t profess his love to me on my cup on Thursday! He just complimented me and told me how much his day is improved when he sees me come into the café…and…holy shit, I fucking friend-zoned this poor lad, didn’t I!?!”

 “It sort of seems like it, Rae. I mean this guy, Eric, clearly likes you enough that he wanted to give you free coffee and make sure that you knew how much he appreciates you coming into the café when he’s working…and then you pour your heart out to him about another guy…”

 “Aw, now I just feel like a terrible person, Arch! Eric was so supportive and he seemed happy for me because I was happy after talking it all through with him, but like, I’m pretty sure I would react the same way if I just got hardcore friend-zoned and wanted to play it cool…” Archie reached out a hand to pat Rae on the back to help soothe her as she continued, “Eric is like…really attractive, too! And he was so nice about everything and he didn’t even make the situation too weird or anything!”

 “That’s a good thing though, right? That Eric was able to put aside whatever feelings he may or may not have for you and give you genuine advice because he wants the best for you…”

 “Yeah, it was so nice getting the opinion of a guy on the whole situation with Finn…”

 “Uhm, excuse me? What am I if not a guy? A potato!”

 “That’s not what I meant, Arch, and you know it. I just meant a guy that wasn’t wrapped up in the whole situation and a close mutual friend of both people involved…”

 “I guess you have a fair point…” Archie said with a chuckle before realizing how much their conversation had veered off-topic, “Oh, so the reason you’re so happy today is…because you talked to your Barista Buddy and…?”

 “Oh, yeah! I talked to him about the whole situation and I feel like I have a good idea of what I need to do and how I can show ‘Alphonzo’ that I’m interested without putting myself out there too much and then at some point one of us will have to take the chance and make the first move, but I’m not as freaked out about all of this as I was up to that point.”

 By this point, Rae and Archie’s break had already ended, but they had simply continued their conversation back at their desks in hushed whispers to avoid being overheard.

 “So what now?”

 “Well, I guess I just sit back, relax, and wait for—“

 “Finn! Hi, how’s it going?” Archie called in greeting before sharing a nervous smile with Rae.

 “Hey, Archie. How are you this morning, Rae? You look really nice…are you dressed up today for something, or someone, special?” Finn asked as he took a seat at the empty desk on Rae’s left side, opposite of Archie.

 “Hiya Finn! And thank you, but do I really seem like the kind of girl that would dress up and alter my appearance for the benefit of another person?” Rae scoffed, feigning that she was offended at his implications but smiled as she continued, “I’m just giving you a hard time, Finn…I dressed up for myself today, mostly. It just feels nice to get dressed up and look pretty from time to time, I guess!”

 Rae looked down at her outfit as she adjusted the sleeves of her cardigan and plucked off imaginary bits of fluff and debris. Rae had paired one of her favorite dresses that had a very short multi-toned blue flowy skirt and a pale denim bustier top with navy blue tights, a long gray cardigan that was nearly longer than the dress itself, and neutral taupe ankle boots with a small, chunky heel. Rae’s hair, which she had straightened earlier that morning, was beginning to re-curl itself because of the humidity of the chilly January air, but it appeared to be done intentionally leaving Rae’s hair in bouncy, gentle purple waves opposed to her usual mess of ringlets and spiraling waves. She completed her look with very simple makeup, focusing mainly on drawing attention to her eyes and naturally long eyelashes and completing the look with subtle berry-toned lipstick.

 Rae seldom looked in the mirror and felt completely happy with the image staring back; however, Rae felt happy and she could see a uniquely happy glow in her appearance that made her feel truly beautiful today and it felt nice to know that others were beginning to take notice of the change as well.

 ***

Monday morning Rae awoke earlier than she would have liked and began reluctantly getting ready before beginning her hour-long walk from her apartment to campus.

 After taking her first Computer Programming course last semester, Rae’s interest in programming and design had been piqued; however, after sitting through an hour long class this morning in which the professor introduced the Programming for Media Arts course Rae was enrolled in this semester, she had a sinking suspicion that she would likely grow to love or hate this course, but it was entirely too early to tell which.

 Rae walked out of the building and had to stop to allow her eyes to adjust to the bright gray light of this overcast January morning after sitting in almost complete darkness during her programming class.

 When the brightness was more bearable, Rae pulled her phone from her pocket and began to check the time when she could vaguely hear someone calling her name.

 “Rae! Rae-Rae!”

 She looked up to see someone on a bicycle riding towards her that was waving with both hands to get her attention from some ways away. It was not until this person on their bike got much closer and Rae could make out the tattoos on their arms that were peeking out from the sleeves of their jacket and the messy brown hair tousled by the wind that she realized who had been trying to get her attention.

 “Good morning, Finn!” She called when he was only a short distance away from her.

 “Hey Rae! I’m running late but I’ll talk to you later…” Finn replied without slowing his speed, calling over his shoulder and trailing off as he rode his bike further out of earshot of Rae.

 What time is it?   10:09 AM…

 This is great…Finn is already nearly 10 minutes late for his shift to work and yet he still makes a point to say “hi” when he sees me.

 Rae did not even try to wipe the smile off her face as she walked to grab a chai latte from a coffee shop on campus before walking to work.

 Since it was Monday, Rae’s scheduled shift did not begin until noon, but as she walked into the office building that she worked on and it was still a quarter to eleven, Rae decided that it was better for her to be early to work and take the extra time to work on assignments for one of her online courses using the Wi-Fi at work rather than risk being late to work if she went back to her apartment or remained on campus.

 As Rae sat in the break room at work, scrolling through social media on her phone after figuring out which of her online classes would require more immediate attention, Rae began regretting her decision not to grab something to eat before walking to work. Between work and the three hour long Business Marketing class Rae had later that afternoon, she quickly realized that she likely would not have a chance to eat until after she was done with her class that evening.

 Rae was debating buying a snack from the vending machine in the break room when she heard the quiet scraping of a chair next to her being pulled out from under the table where she sat.

 “Hey there, Chop!”

 “How’s it going, Raemundo?” Chop replied as he used a fork he had grabbed from the drawer in the break room to stir the Cup of Noodles he had just pulled from the microwave.

 “It’s going,” Rae said, chuckling as a rogue noodle dangled from Chop’s mouth as he took the first bite of his noodle soup, “how are you today? Did you have any classes yet?”

 “I’m good, thanks!” Chops said before stopping to get another mouthful of noodles, “And nope, no classes today, but I’ve been at work since 8am! Do you have classes today?”

 “Yeah, I had class earlier this morning. And I have a two hour shift at work starting at noon and then class again after that…This semester has me constantly running back and forth between classes and work,” Rae explained with an annoyed eye roll.

 “That’s awful, Rae! I’m so sorry!”

 “It is what it is…”

 “It looks pretty cloudy outside today, I wonder if it’s going to rain,” Chop mused when there was a lull in the conversation as he looked out the window to the parking lot for their office.

 “I hope not! I’m walking back to campus after work,” Rae replied with a small frown after she looked outside the window as well and was fairly certain that it would begin raining within the hour.

 “Well, I can give you a ride! You said you’re working a two hour shift? We get off work at the same time!”

 “Thank you, Chop, but no thank you. You’re done for the day after this and I’d hate to put you out and make you go out of your way just to give me a ride to campus. I don’t think it’ll rain, or if it does, I’m sure it won’t be so much that I can’t walk the twenty minutes or so back to campus.”

 As if right on cue, mere moments after Rae decline Chop’s offer, a sudden boom of thunder followed by a downpour of rain began, making both Rae and Chop jump slightly out of surprise before chuckling at the irony of it all.

 “Uh, I’m sure the rain will stop soon…” Rae mumbled, not even fully believing her own words.

 “It’s no trouble, really. Finn and I live less than a mile from campus, so it’s not even going out of my way, honestly! Just let me know, okay? But if it is still raining after work, I will not take ‘no’ for an answer, Rae! I will be driving you to your next class because I simply cannot have my Raemundo walking in the rain!” Chop said as he pointed a finger at Rae, adding emphasis to the point he was trying to make.

 “Fine, but I’ll let you know if anything changes.” Rae replied as Chop threw away the empty Cup of Noodles container and waved goodbye to Rae before exiting the break room to get back to work.

Rae was still looking out the window at the rain pouring down and collecting in puddles that would undoubtedly flood the parking lot by the time the rain began to let up—if it let up—when she felt a pair of arms wrap around her from behind in a surprise hug.

 “Guess who…” Rae heard this person sing-song and Rae instantly smiled when she realized who it was.

 “Hmm…whoever could it be?” Rae replied with a chuckle as she turned her torso slightly to return the hug Rebecca was giving her.

“Are you on break or are you just coming in at noon?” Rebecca asked as she pulled out the chair Chop previous occupied and took a seat beside Rae.

 “I start at noon, but I’m only working for a couple hours”

 “Yay, we get off work at the same time! That’s perfect!” Rebecca exclaimed, nearly bouncing out of her chair with excitement.

 “Uh, what’s perfect?” Rae asked as she quirked an eye brow up in confusion.

 “I was just realizing how hungry I am and I don’t know if you have class immediately after work or not, but if you don’t…Will you do me the honor of being my lunch date today?”

 “I’d love to!” Rae said with a smile.

 “Splendid! I have to get back to work right now, but I’ll be waiting for you out here in the break room after work and we can go from here!”

 Rae waved goodbye to Rebecca and continued scrolling through social media on her phone until it was close enough to noon that she could justify logging into her computer and getting to work.

 Rae switched her cell phone to silent and walked into the main office area. After scanning her badge at the small machine on the wall, Rae began walking towards the closest open desk when she was very nearly knocked to the ground by someone who had hurriedly stood from their chair and began walking without watching where they were going.

 “Oh shit, my bad, girl! Are you alright?” Finn asked as he placed a hand on each of Rae’s shoulders to steady her after he had inadvertently collided with her.

 “Yeah, all good, Finn!” Rae replied with an embarrassed chuckle.

 “Phew, that’s a relief…I saw you today when I was riding my bike through the middle of campus on my way to work!”

 “I know. I saw you too,” Rae began with a small chuckle, “and said I ‘hi’…and then you said ‘hi’ and that you were running late and would talk to me later”

“Yeah, you didn’t seem to recognize me when I was first trying to catch your attention, so I was almost afraid that you weren’t really you or something!”

 “Nope, it was me, I was just distracted and when you were riding you bike I didn’t recognize you until you got a bit closer,” Rae chuckled nervously as Finn dropped his hands—which she just realized had been resting on her shoulders during their entire conversation—and gave her a quick smile before side-stepping to walk past her.

 Rae noticed that the desk beside Chop was empty, so she set her badge down on the desk and pulled out the chair to take a seat.

 “Long time no see, baby girl!” Chop called, giving Rae a wink as she began logging into her computer and Finn returned to his desk on the opposite side of Chop.

 “I know! I haven’t seen you in so long…how are you?” Rae replied catching on to the joke immediately.

 “I’m good thanks…not much has changed in the last, oh, twenty minutes,” Chop replied with a laugh.

 During this short exchange, Finn kept looking from Chop to Rae in confusion as he waited for them to explain what inside joke he was being left out of before finally Chop clarified.

 “Our Raemundo here was sitting in the break room before her shift and so I sat with her during my break and we were chatting a bit,”

 “Ah, I see.” Finn replied with a nod as he returned to work, only slightly averting his attention away from Chop and Rae’s conversation.

 “Which reminds me! While I appreciate the offer, Chop,” Rae began after quickly glancing over at Chop as she continued checking her email, “I made plans for lunch as soon as I get off work and they can give me a ride back to campus when we’re done. So I won’t be needing a ride after work. Thank you for offering though, Chop. That was really considerate of you!”

 “You, uh, you offered to give Rae a ride home from work today?” Finn asked unable to hide that he had been tuned into their conversation.

 “Well not home, because she has a class after her shift, but yeah! It started to rain really hard during my break and she and I get off work at the same so I just figured…”

 “Oh, no, that makes sense. That was nice of you Chop…The offer stands for me too, Girl. If you ever want me to give you a ride somewhere after work, just let me know!” Finn replied after quickly regaining his composure and shooting her a crooked grin.

 “Uhm, a ride on your bicycle?” Rae asked, raising her eye brows and unsuccessfully containing a smile.

 “No, of course not,” Finn mumbled as a blush spread across his cheeks, “I do have a car…I just didn’t want to drive my car and have to find parking if I only worked for a couple hours today…”

 “No need to justify yourself to me, Finn. I was just having a little fun with you,” Rae replied with a smirk which only caused Finn to blush a deeper shade of red and seem more embarrassed as he nervously bit his lower lip, “I appreciate the offer nonetheless and I’ll be sure to keep it in mind, thanks!”

 The clocks on the wall chimed, signaling that it was officially noon, and Finn stood from his desk chair and began walking toward the exit, turning back to give Chop a nod and Rae a wave and small smile before walking out of the building.

@eveerez @tinakegg @hey1tskat1e @bitchesbecrazy89 @kneekeyta @milllott @protectfinnnelson @arathewallflower @jackiewalsh2013 @pink-royaute @i-dream-of-emus @lurkernolonger @bitchy-broken @nutinanutshell @mallyallyandra @borntosik

A/N: Hello, my darlings! Okay, forreal though: what did you all think of how savagely Rae *accidentally* friend-zoned Eric the Barista by venting about all her boy troubles? (This was certainly not my proudest moment, I must admit...) 😅😬😅 Do you still think Eric poses any threat to Finn's chances with Rae after reading this chapter? 🤔 I know some of you were probably worried about that possibility after I introduced him into the story in Chapter 12...

The end is nigh (just kidding...sort of...) and there's only one more chapter to be posted this week, probably late tonight or early tomorrow morning. Big things are in the works and there's a lot of stuff happening both in this story line and in my real life, but yeah...this should be fun. 😅

I look forward to hearing what you all think of this chapter and the next one to come...14 chapters down, and 1 more to go (for now)...let's do this shit! 😁

[northeastern-deirdredunham]

Reopening with Closing Remarks

Hi blog friends, last I check in with you, I promised to post my closing remarks from Manchester Community College’s Girls in Technology day. If anyone new here is tuning it, this is my story in engineering and how I ended up where I am now. 

Unfortunately, reading this won’t be as good as hearing it...so I guess now you just have to come to Northeastern and take one of my tours to get the next best thing. Read my speech under the cut!

My  name is Deirdre and I’m a third year student at Northeastern University studying bioengineering and computer science and I’m currently working at Farm Design, which you heard a little bit about earlier. But you heard me right, I’m a student. I’m not some crazy accomplished engineer, scientist, or CEO. I’m still learning and I’m still making mistakes, so I wanted to talk to you here today student to student. I want to share my experiences.

How did I end up here? Up until high school I was absolutely convinced I wanted to be a pediatrician- heck, I couldn’t even spell pediatrician back then. I was arm twisted out of taking Latin by my woodshop teacher, and I found myself in Intro to Engineering Design instead through a program called Project Lead the Way.

One day I was sketching in my notebook a *real* engineer came up to me, excited about my sketches, and asked if I was interested in studying engineering. Here’s the thing, if you’ve ever had someone you think is cool ask you a question, you don’t want to disappoint them. So I stuttered out, “YES! Bio engineering!”. No lie, I thought I made up this engineering discipline on the spot, but this engineer seemed pleased with my answer and moved on.

It turns out that bioengineering is very real and now I’m in the first graduating class of the major at Northeastern University. So what actually is bioengineering? Bioengineering is a lot of things, bioengineering is modifying cell protein receptors to enhance drug delivery, it’s creating medical devices to make processes more efficient and safe, and it’s reading signals sent from the body to help us understand the many unknowns in our brain. In short, bioengineering is anything that involves an engineering and problem solving practice that interfaces with an organic living body. Many other disciplines can go into bioengineering fields without being bioengineers, it’s all about what blade you really want to sharpen.

In my journey, I became fascinated by the world of prosthetics and how the human body interacts with the world around us.

I’m a musician, and maybe some of you are too. Can you imagine playing your instrument with only one hand? Can you imagine playing soccer with only one leg, or can you imagine living your normal day to day life without part of your body? I’m beginning to imagine as I learn more about the advancements in the industry, and I want to make this “imagination” dream into a reality for millions.

But let’s step back a second, because this makes me sound like I have my life together. Maybe you don’t know what you want to do with your life yet. That’s okay, most people don’t. Did you know the most popular major for incoming students at Northeastern is “undeclared”. Everyone is different, and everyone will have a different journey as you find out what you like. Maybe you’re like me and you have some clear goals for the future, but it wasn’t always like that. One time I was presenting about engineering at my former middle school and I asked the kids if anyone knew what they wanted to be and one kid in the front of the room raised his hand and was like “I want to be a journalist but I know that’s nor a profitable field, so I’m also considering going into a science field”.

Excuse me. 

This kid had his life more together than I did. In case anyone’s curious, he’s now in college studying theater so?

I also want to say that a lot of this whole growing up thing is not about what you studied and where. I’ve learned that it’s about your experiences, those are the things that will set you apart. So go to a school that works for you and feels right.  My old AP Econ teacher used to tell us to throw a dart at a board to pick a college because it’s also hard to know what you want until you get there.  Degrees and nice titles have been said to be able to open doors, but I believe with the right tool set from experience, you can just pick the lock.

In building your repertoire of experiences, don’t be afraid to try new things or give things a second shot. I’m a really sore loser to the point where I refused to play games or sports because it gave me the possibility to lose. When I got to college, the friends I made happened to be super into board games. Well, that’s just *perfect*. After months of them pestering me to join, I decided my friendship with them took priority over my dislike of losing. Well, I lost in the first game I ever played with them and I continue to lose most times we play, but the weird thing is…I had fun? Later that year, we founded Northeastern’s first Board Game Club. Needless to say, my parents were shocked, but I was proud.

Take advantage of any and all opportunities to discover and learn. You’re here now, and that’s a fabulous first step! Maybe from this event you’ve realized you are hooked on STEM, maybe you’ve realized this isn’t for you, and maybe you’re indifferent. The point is, you did it. At Northeastern, we have this program called co-op which allows me to take these 6 month internships 2-3 times within my academic schedule. Co-op for me is less about building a resume, but instead discovering what I like and don’t like.  It’s a chance to make mistakes before you enter the *real* world, you still have the crash pad that is college. You can change your mind, tweak your path, or dive deeper into your passions.

For me, I quickly discovered that I loved computer science and wanted to integrate that into what I did.  I took my first coop in robotics/comp sci at Corindus Vascular Robotics and learned so much about the back end of software development, diving into the nitty gritty of what actually tells these systems what to do. Since college, I learned about a super cool field called biomimicry through one of the research labs on campus. Biomimicry is essentially the replication of a living system or functions of a living system; nature has spent years perfecting design, so why not save those millions of years of work? I currently do research at Northeastern’s marine science center, designing, and testing biomimetic robotic lobsters. It turns out all lobsters can smell nitrous oxide, and all bombs let off nitrous oxide. But apparently it’s inhumane to send an army of lobsters under water to search for bombs, and even if we could do that, how would they relay the information? At my lab, we are building lobsters that can see, smell, and think for themselves that will interact with the environment the same as a real lobster. How cool is that? Learning about this field got me super curious about what other hidden engineering functions nature has designed for us, so this summer I am heading off to Oxford, UK, for 5 weeks to study engineering design in nature.

I once had a professor in college that asked, “Deirdre, what makes you happy?” I told him making people laugh, building things, and seeing people benefit from my hard work.

Then he asked, “Why? What about those things make you happy?” I still don’t know how to explain the feelings and emotions that bring me joy from these things. So I want to ask all of you, what makes you happy? Figure out your answer, and whether or not you can answer the why, hold those things dear. I actually think the harder it is to answer “why”, the stronger the feeling is. You can actually use those little things to make a life and a career.

So I leave you with this:

Do not fear failure, stay curious, be innovative, be patient, create, make, but most importantly, be you. Be part of the 17% but also be part of the 100% to make this world one that makes you happy.

[debrahnesbit]

The LawBytes Podcast, Episode 16: The Copyright Review Report – Carys Craig on the Roadmap for the Future of Canadian Copyright Law

In December 2017, the Canadian government launched its much-anticipated and much-lobbied review of Canadian copyright law, tasking the Standing Committee on Industry, Science and Technology to lead the way. After months of study and hundreds of witnesses and briefs, the committee released its authoritative report with 36 recommendations earlier this month. Carys Craig, a law professor at Osgoode Hall Law School and one of Canada’s leading copyright law experts, joins the podcast to help sort through the report and to consider what it means for the future of Canadian copyright law.

The podcast can be downloaded here and is embedded below. The transcript is posted at the bottom of this post or can be accessed here. Subscribe to the podcast via Apple Podcast, Google Play, Spotify or the RSS feed. Updates on the podcast on Twitter at @Lawbytespod.

Episode Notes:

Standing Committee on Industry, Science, and Technology, Statutory Review of the Copyright Act

The Authoritative Canadian Copyright Review: Industry Committee Issues Balanced, Forward-Looking Report on the Future of Canadian Copyright Law

Credits:

House of Commons, June 3, 2019

Transcript:

Law Bytes Podcast – Episode 16 | Convert audio-to-text with Sonix

Michael Geist: This is Law Bytes, a podcast with Michael Geist.

Dan Ruimy: Thank you Mr. Speaker. I have the honour to present in both official languages the 16th report of the Standing Committee on Industry Science and Technology entitled statutory review of the copyright act pursuant to Standing Order 1 0 9. The committee request that the government table a comprehensive response to this report. Mr. Speaker I’d also like to thank all committee members, all those that appeared before committee, those that took the time to meet with us and our five city tour, and those that took the time to submit online documents. The committee consulted a broad range of stakeholders to ensure as many perspectives could be considered. In all we held 52 meetings her two hundred and three sixty three witnesses collected one hundred and ninety two brief and received more than 6000 e-mails and other correspondence. I also want to thank our committee’s clerk, analysts and all the supporting staff for doing such an amazing job keeping us on track through such a lengthy and complex study. Thank you.

Michael Geist: In December 2017, the Canadian government launched its much anticipated and much lobbied review of Canadian copyright law, tasking the Standing Committee on Industry Science and Technology to lead the way. After months of study and hundreds of witnesses and briefs the committee released its review with 36 recommendations earlier this month. The report takes a decidedly evidence based approach and is notable both for what it recommends and rejects. Recommendations include expanding fair dealing and adding flexibility to Canada’s digital lock rules. While the committee rejected a Web site blocking system and a proposal to exclude education from fair dealing where a license is otherwise available. I had the chance to appear before the committee. My remarks were the subject of an earlier Law Bytes podcast as did this week’s guest Osgoode Hall law professor Carys Craig. Professor Craig is one of Canada’s leading copyright law experts and she joins me to help sort through the report and what it means for the future of Canadian copyright law.

Michael Geist: Carys, welcome to the podcast.

Carys Craig: Thank you for having me on.

Michael Geist: After a year of studying the copyright review with hundreds of witnesses and briefs the Standing Committee on Industry Science and Technology that everyone just calls INDU has finally released its report. Why don’t we start with a background of how this came about: so why was there a copyright review and who exactly is INDU.

Carys Craig: Okay great. So yes this is the culmination of a five year review that was actually mandated by the 2012 Copyright Modernization Act. And so when that was passed itself the result of many years of consultation and consideration of potential reforms. The notion was that it would be worth revisiting in five years to understand the way in which the act was taking shape how it was being applied. And of course bearing in mind the sort of rapidity of technological change. So five years rolled around and the committee was struck in order to conduct this review and that itself took some considerable time. So it’s only now in twenty nineteen of course that we’re finally receiving this report.

Michael Geist: Okay. So the the initial law or at least the reforms back in 2012. Got to review this every five years it takes a couple takes some time to get it going. They went with INDU and so that’s the industry side. And I imagine that there was some debate at least internally and certainly externally about which committee amongst the potential committees I suppose that the government that the House of Commons has that they chose to conduct this study.

Carys Craig: Yes that’s right. So in Canada there are two ministries that kind of have an eye on copyright policy. So that is the Heritage and the Industry Science and Technology Ministry. And so there’s always been a degree of and I think maybe it’s fair to say tension in terms of who takes the lead and certainly what we’ve seen over the years is that both ministries have a kind of different approach to copyright policy and so that means it can make kind of a vital difference which industry or which ministry sorry takes the lead in copyright review and copyright reform, which is of course exactly what we’ve seen in this particular process.

Michael Geist: Right. So industry led but there is also a study report that the committee for Canadian heritage, a standing committee of Canadian Heritage released. It was supposed to be on artists remuneration but has at least been painted by some as the copyright review or a parallel copyright review. I don’t believe it is. Actually I know it isn’t. The copyright review is the report that INDU released. Can you walk us through a little bit the procedural side of the story that led that led to this Heritage study.

Carys Craig: Sure. Well I mean this is just as far as I know as far as I’ve been able to glean. But certainly the industry committee was tasked with conducting the sort of authoritative parliamentary review of the Copyright Act and perhaps in some ways as a salve to any criticism that should have gone to heritage or heritage ought to be involved I don’t know, and the industry committee requested an advisory sub report. I think that’s the best way to understand it. And from the Canadian Heritage Department and so the the sense was that this was to be as you said an examination of remuneration models for artists and creative industries looking at things like rights management, considering things like new access points, streaming and and reflecting then on some of the challenges and opportunities presented by these new technologies in light of you know that the economic interests of artists and creative industries. Now there’s an awful lot of interesting work being done on the ways in which access to content is shifting, consumer behaviours are shifting, and the way in which new technology is providing new opportunities or avenues for remuneration or exploitation at the same time as it’s threatening old ones.

Carys Craig: So there really was I think a lot of scope to produce a very interesting, thorough survey of these changes in a way that really could have informed a copyright review process and really made sure that it was a sort of modern review process that had its eye on where things currently stand in technology and in the economy of the cultural industries. As you suggested that’s unfortunately not what we got and I think the reason why people see this review report from heritage as a parallel report is that it essentially seemed to cover the same ground as the industry committee was was covering. But of course to do it from a very different perspective and with a very different result. And I think that at the end of the day is just unfortunate. And it’s a missed opportunity. But I think the main thing is of course that the authoritative review comes from the industry committee.

Michael Geist: All right. I’d agree with that. So now that we understand what that Heritage study is or isn’t, let’s talk let’s talk about the authoritative review the actual Canadian copyright review conducted by INDU. For me it was striking when you took take a look took a look back at it just how broad it was truly ran for a long time. There were hearings held in cities across the country something you didn’t see with Heritage, multiple phases and both of us participated in the third phase where they brought in some of the academics and the like and it touched on just about every major copyright issue. I wonder what some of your top line impressions or key takeaways were from the report.

Carys Craig: Well certainly it was very broad. It was extremely thorough and it really is impressive I think the number of people who were able to sort of weigh into the review process, who were able to make their submissions, have their testimony heard, and ultimately the fact that really everyone who provided oral or written testimony is cited in the report. So given this vast landscape that this covers and the number of perspectives that were considered and I think the review although it’s long actually does a really nice job of sort of crystallizing the primary or the main issues that are facing as when we’re thinking about copyright law today and and and creating a sort of overview of the current landscape that is going to be very valuable I think going forward. And it’s not surprising when we think about the process that led up to the 2012 act itself. As you know there are many bills there was much consultation that took many years and it was an attempt to to bring Canada quote unquote up to date with technological developments by finally sort of ratifying the 1996 Internet treaties and following the lead of the US Digital Millennium Copyright Act. And so there was an awful lot that was done in 2012. That itself created lots of new lots of new considerations and concerns and copyright law.

Carys Craig: So first of all we had new protections for digital locks which we’d never had before. We had a notice and notice system that was a sort of Canada made solution to navigating copyright for Internet service providers. We had a new cause of action called enablement infringement for the provision of network services that primarily enabled copyright infringement by users. And then on the other side of the ledger we had an expanded fair dealing defence with new enumerated purposes of education and parody and satire and we had lots of new exceptions for common consumer uses like making backup copies and time shifting TV programs and making user generated content. So there was a lot there and there was a lot that needed to be revisiting. And of course there were people who were happy with one side of that and not with the other.

Carys Craig: And so if nothing else what this five year review gave us was an opportunity for everybody to kind of come out and talk about the good and the bad and the ugly as they saw it in that 2012 act and hope that they could maybe expand what they saw as good and roll back what they saw as bad. And so you know there was a lot at stake here and there were lots of people with interests and that they wanted to be represented around the table.

Michael Geist: Right. I’m glad you you enumerated so many of the changes that took place in 2012. I’m often struck by those that claim that Canadian copyright laws are woefully out of date and we haven’t made changes in a long time and as you went through that very long list of changes it was a true overhaul in 2012. We are still quite clearly grappling with very recent changes that were comprehensive in nature and so was it’s worth noting the committee. So what did we get into a few of those changes that took place in 2012 that then became focal points for discussion at the committee and as part of their report. There are a few issues I think that took more time out because any actually issue that took more of the committee’s time and was a bigger focal point than the issue around education and copyright which ironically enough isn’t solely a 2012 copyright reform issue. But leaving that aside, dozens of witnesses coming from across the landscape: education groups, authors, publishers, copyright collectives all presenting their case on the impact of the state of Canadian copyright law and what it means for education in particular educational copying. Where did the committee land after hearing all these different perspectives?

Carys Craig: Well maybe just starting at the end and where did the committee land. Because this is really I think for me one moment in the report where I would have hoped I think for something more like a resolution or a substantive recommendation and instead I think what we see in this respect is that the committee hedges its bets but it refuses to endorse really either the proposals that were made by Access Copyright and the publishers in terms of limiting fair dealing but also it doesn’t give the educational institutions you know absolute or unbridled support for their assertions that their practices are lawful and consistent with fair dealing. And so we end up actually with a recommendation that the Government should consider facilitating discussions between the education sector and copyright collectives to try to build a consensus around these issues going forward. And of course that’s with a view I think in particular to the fact that there is ongoing litigation between Access Copyright and York University. And that remains to be resolved before the Federal Court of Appeal and may well proceed to the Supreme Court of Canada.

Carys Craig: So I think actually the recommendation is perhaps appropriately cautious or responsive to the fact that these issues are very fraught and ongoing. On the other hand if there there’s a suggestion that the courts are I think the committee uses the language appropriately skeptical or that the courts have appropriate skepticism about the assertions of educational institutions claiming that their practices are systemically at fair dealing practices or lawful practices in relation to educational materials and I personally find that unfortunate because it kind of weighs into into the issues or steps into the fray. On the other hand, I think the positive thing is that the committee expressly refuses to endorse the proposal that was put forward by Access and by other publishers that we roll back the changes that were made to fair dealing in 2012. So specifically we added education as a purpose which means that something where someone is engaged in education broadly speaking has a purpose and we can move the analysis of the lawfulness of use onto the question of whether that use is fair. Now as you suggested that actually wasn’t the critical moment for the expansion of fair dealing in Canada. That moment actually came. Well first with the Supreme Court’s ruling in the CCH case and then subsequently with a ruling in the Alberta case which basically said that educational classroom uses of copyright protected materials could be fair dealing for the purposes of private study in certain circumstances. And so the argument over whether education should be enumerated or not enumerated seems to miss the point that the Supreme Court articulated a broad user rights focused understanding of fair dealing whether it’s for a private study or for education.

Michael Geist: Right. And so I think you’re right about the role that the Supreme Court has played in influencing where those policies are. You know for me the the striking comment coming out of the committee was the reference to the fact that it may be technological disruption and technological change that is driving change in the education sector far more than fair dealing has which you can pick whichever lines you like out of the committee it’s clear they were trying to strike a bit of a balance or at least recognize that there were arguments that they were hearing on both sides of it.At a certain level, When you look at a couple of the other recommendations they had which included don’t conduct a review every five years and get us more data through Statistics Canada and even Canada Research Chair focused on this stuff. It’s pretty clear that the committee itself was torn in part because it feels it’s early and the amount of data that was out there was itself at times conflicting and they wanted to I guess take a bit more time, see this play out in the courts as you mentioned we’ve got this court case. You’ve got the big court case playing itself through the courts as well.

Carys Craig: Yeah. No I think that’s right. I think that was a very important statement by the committee to recognize that the claims that were before it being made by the Canadian publishers and others that they’re suffering and drastically at the hands of the expanded fair dealing for educational uses the fact that the committee didn’t endorse that and didn’t accept that and pointed to the fact that there are many other causes and other changes that are taking place in the educational landscape around the use of materials. So open educational resources and the use of digital bundling. And also I think the the the fact that our libraries are so much more savvy about negotiating copyright licences and there are easier ways to do this. Certainly the landscape around educational materials has changed dramatically over the past 10 or 15 years even over the past five years. And so you know the committee is right to be wary of wading in and coming up with a kind of one size fits all solution to this. On the other hand given the amount of attention that was paid to this at the time and during the hearings and the amount of evidence that has been presented by all sides even if overwhelming it’s ultimately I think disappointing that we’re still sort of waiting for any kind of definitive resolution on something that is so pressing in the educational environment today.

Michael Geist: Yeah that’s fair. But I would note that as part of the committee’s recommendations that that was not the only discussion they had around fair dealing and while they were being pushed to roll back fair dealing with respect to education and clearly rejected that as an approach, what they also did was expand fair dealing effectively with a call for more a more flexible approach. Could you comment on that and why it hasn’t got a lot of attention at least in some of the media coverage but certainly struck me as perhaps one of the most notable recommendations the committee made.

Carys Craig: Absolutely. No I agree. You know so we’re talking about broadening fair dealing so that it is no longer tied just to specific enumerated purposes in the Act but actually is capable of being applied more generally or more flexibly to encounter new kinds of uses that are fair according to all of the normal fairness factors but which might not be squeezed into one of the enumerated purposes. And this is something that’s very close to my heart it’s something that I wrote my master’s thesis on you know coming up 20 years ago and I have consistently been writing and arguing and advocating for the expansion of fair dealing so that we don’t tie it to particular enumerated purposes. And so for me certainly this is one of the most important recommendations and something I’m very happy to see and I’m also I think quite happy to see that there hasn’t been a huge reaction to it because I think that tells us that the time for this has come. That you know certainly against the backdrop of Supreme Court jurisprudence that has urged a large and liberal reading of those purposes. And then just looking at the legislative process involved and trying to add new purposes like education like parody and satire and then lots of news specific enumerated exceptions for backup copies or user generated content, I think it’s become clear to everybody that the the better way to go is just to add two simple words “such as” to the fair dealing provisions and really allow them to operate in a way that is not only flexible right now but is flexible over time and as technologies evolve.

Michael Geist: I think that’s right. It is striking that was certainly one of the big issues that was raised back as part of the 2012 reforms as the committee was thinking about as you mentioned several new exceptions “such as” approach one that would open it up to any purposes because at the end of the day the fairness isn’t really dictated by the purpose but rather by a series of other factors that are considered, what was a far better approach when that would be in a sense technology neutral and better better able to adapt to changes. It’s nice to see the committee recognize that several years later even as it has also identified yet another fair dealing effectively fair dealing purpose for informational analysis to sort of support A.I. Now that’s not the only revisiting of a 2012 reform that has some connection to fair dealing. So there was an argument for “such as” back in 2012 wasn’t accepted, it’s accepted by the committee now. Another area where the committee is in effect had a bit of a rethink from 2012 has to do with those anti circumvention rules. The digital locks that you mentioned earlier. Can you tell. Can you tell us a bit what the committee now says we ought to be thinking about when it comes to digital locks.

Carys Craig: Sure so this is another really important recommendation I think. And again something that I’ve been thinking and arguing about for for several years now as you know. And so the question is the extent to which we should be protecting digital locks or technological protection measures and under the Copyright Act and the extent to which that additional layer of protection for digital locks should potentially subvert I think the underlying purposes of copyright or the shape and scope of the rights that the Act protects. So that’s to say you know we’re carefully tailoring and debating the scope of any particular owner’s right. And then the scope or the reach of user rights. And then along come digital locks and they get layered over the top and they get protected no matter what they’re protecting underneath. Or to what extent and what that risks doing I think is preventing people from engaging in otherwise lawful uses with the content that’s behind the lock.

Carys Craig: So being unable to access that content to use that content for things that are fair dealing purposes or that are fair or lawful whether it’s user generated content, whether it’s criticism or review, or access in public domain materials contained in the work. And this has presented concern over time. I think there was a lot of mobilizing around this in the lead up to 2012. We saw different iterations of the anti circumvention provisions in different bills in the lead up to 2012. And you know I was disappointed at that time that in the end what we did was create a provision that essentially just mirrors what the U.S. had asked for and protects under the Digital Millennium Copyright Act. And so that is there weren’t exceptions for non-infringing uses and there weren’t provisions to ensure that people could continue to access work for non infringing purposes and there weren’t exceptions to ensure that people could actually get their hands on the kinds of devices that would allow them to do so anyway. So all of this was very problematic and I’m very pleased to see the committee now kind of revisit the issue and to acknowledge that there is a problem there. That although there might be good reasons to protect TPMs that it doesn’t make sense for us to be protecting them when what they’re essentially doing is preventing someone from doing something that is authorized under the Copyright Act. And so the committee points specifically to facilitating maintenance repair or adaptation of a lawfully acquired device for non infringing purposes but in the observations they make them more broader observation that people should be able to engage in authorized acts and lawful acts and that TPM shouldn’t prevent them from doing so.

Michael Geist: I agree that the right to repairs clearly which was driving some of that discussion at the committee but their comment is certainly far broader than that as part of their observations and given given how how much attention this issue got back leading up to the 2012 reforms, it was was undoubtedly one of the very top issues that Canadians were talking about, yet ultimately rejected I think largely due to pressure from the United States. It’s nice to see it revisited and nice to see the committee coming around to where I think many Canadians were back when they first instituted these rules. You know one of the other areas that the committee touches on that has also attracted a lot of attention and it’s attracting a lot of attention now has to do with copyright term. I was speaking with Myra Tawfik just last week about copyright term and it’s the extension as part of the USMCA. The committee talked about term too. What did it have to say?

Carys Craig: Yes. So this is another place where I was both surprised and very pleased to see the committee actually address this as though it’s not a fait accompli as though it’s not something that Canada necessarily has to do by virtue of its international obligations and that is extending the copyright term from the life of the author and 50 years to the life of the author and 70 years. And you know we saw in the Heritage report and the suggestion that no one had really objected to this and that we recognized it was something that was going to have to happen. And so the Heritage report just recommended that it should happen. And so what’s really refreshing I think and looking at the industry review is a critical engagement with that assertion. So first of all questioning or accepting that you know maybe it has to happen, but we should ideally not to do it. And therefore if it does happen we have to find ways to mitigate the costs or the harms that this term extension would cause in Canada. And so you know first of all that just is a recognition of the importance of the public domain of the significance of having a shorter term as we can possibly have to ensure that works fall into the public domain and are available to be freely used and to circulate and to be reused once copyright ends. And then there’s some creative sort of thinking around how we might mitigate the harm of a term extension if it isn’t deemed necessary. And so here you know because the international baseline requirements in the Berne Convention are life plus 50 years. What that means is that there might be some room for us to create conditions for a copyright protection beyond that term that that we wouldn’t be allowed to have during that term.

Carys Craig: Right. So whereas we’re not let’s to formalities like registration for life plus 50 maybe for those extra 20 years we could require that copyright owners register or reregister their work maybe pay a fee for that additional time that there might be other formalities so that it’s not just an automatic continuation of term, but is actually a sort of surplus benefit that we make available on certain conditions. And you know there’s some good economic sense behind that kind of proposal. One would assume that if there’s an economic value ongoing for the exploitation of a particular work that the copyright owner will be willing to register and to pay and and so that will probably still be available for works and you know that’s to my mind still unfortunate because it takes valuable work out of the public domain for an additional 20 years but at least we know what those works are we can look them up on the register and we can subject them to particular conditions or costs associated with that added benefit. And meanwhile the works are not still being exploited can be freely used and so we avoid some of the orphan works problems and just the the lost benefits and that we suffer when we re-enclose those works and behind copyright ownership a point where nobody even knows who the owner is.

Michael Geist: A really creative approach that addresses the concern that some have that they want to have longer terms for certain works but in many other instances we avoid the orphan works problem any other instances the work simply entered into the public domain. So it’s it’s nice to hear that both with respect to flexible fair dealing, digital locks, copyright term, the committee with a for a forward looking approach and in a sense revisiting some of the kinds of approaches that we’re taken a number of years ago. Is there anything else in the report before we wrap up that kind of caught your eye and surprised you either for the good or even perhaps not for the not so good.

Carys Craig: Yeah. I mean I think it just in terms of the general tone I agree with you you said earlier about the emphasis on data gathering and evidence based policymaking and so for me that’s kind of a big take away from this and not unrelatedly, I think is the committee’s resistance to the urgings that I’m sure it heard from many people before it that Canada consider following the EU lead with something akin to the European digital single market directive and in particular Article 17 of that directive that has been so controversial which is about of course online content sharing service providers and essentially making them liable for the content that’s uploaded by their users. And I think what the committee does here is indicative of what’s good about the report generally which is to say this is a controversial area. We understand there are particular actors in particular people who would like to see copyright move in this direction, to kind of responsibilize these service providers and ultimately make them liable for content that shared or force them to engage in broad based licensing practices. And here the committee I think does a good job of saying you know we don’t know what the implications of this are going to be. We don’t know how it’s going to look in different member states when it’s enacted. And our commitment to this evidence based approach to copyright policy making requires that we wait and see. And so I think that’s good. And also the tone that set in that discussion insisting upon a balanced approach when it comes to online service providers and saying you know that the intermediaries here are not just service providers but also record companies, also large publishers. I think these are important observations.

Carys Craig: But mostly I think that conversation culminates in a statement that’s very important which is a recognition that copyright law has limited tools to address the kinds of issues that are being presented to the committee. So arguments that Canadian creators and Canadian creative industries are suffering and that the Copyright Act alone cannot ensure that Canadian creators and creative industries receive fair compensation that it cannot solve the problems that are faced by artists. And you know this to me is key because one of my greatest frustrations actually in the copyright debates is this sort of persistent fallacy that copyright law is either responsible for or even remotely capable of solving the inequities, the unfairness that are experienced by artists or the dismal underfunding of culture in the arts in our economic system. And I think for this committee to recognize that the limited tools of copyright law and to acknowledge those in the face of the pleas of content industries is a really important moment.

Michael Geist: It’s a fantastic point and you know ironically that kind of analysis and discussion is what I would imagine the committee thought they might be getting from the Canadian Heritage Committee and of course ultimately didn’t. So that recognizing the limits of copyright especially in the areas I just articulated are important. Why do we close by asking you about the limits of this report. It comes towards the very end of the parliamentary session, we’ve got an election coming up in the fall. Any thoughts on what next for the report and copyright reform in Canada?

Carys Craig: Well you know certainly I hope that this that Parliament however it’s constituted after the next election recognizes the value of this report and the importance of the consultative process that led to it and follows through really on a lot of the recommendations that we see here. I don’t think it should be politicized. I don’t think that it should depend upon which party takes power. You know copyright has always been interesting in the way it sits along party lines. And so hopefully that means that the the relevance and the pertinence of this report will persist ovet any change in government. The other thing that the report acknowledges at the end is that copyright policy is necessarily an ongoing and dynamic conversation. And I think that’s exactly right. Constantly the conditions are changing we have to have our eye in different ways in which copyright works as technology shift and as consumer practices shift and not because we have to go in there every moment and change in a little subsections here and there, but because we have to be aware of the fact that the implications of copyright change as the realities of our consumer culture and our consumption of creative content change. So hopefully I mean I think this has set a good tone. I think we have a ton of great information here for Parliament to work with and I hope that this is the report that really captures the imagination of Parliament and allows for a sort of ongoing copyright review or reform process that keeps us eye on the public interest and the copyright balance.

Michael Geist: That’s the Law Bytes podcast for this week. If you have comments suggestions or other feedback, write to lawbytes.com. That’s lawbytes at pobox.com. Follow the podcast on Twitter at @lawbytespod or Michael Geist at @mgeist. You can download the latest episodes from my Web site at Michaelgeist.ca or subscribe via RSS, at Apple podcast, Google, or Spotify. The LawBytes Podcast is produced by Gerardo LeBron Laboy. Music by the Laboy brothers: Gerardo and Jose LeBron Laboy. Credit information for the clips featured in this podcast can be found in the show notes for this episode at Michaelgeist.ca. I’m Michael Geist. Thanks for listening and see you next time.

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The post The LawBytes Podcast, Episode 16: The Copyright Review Report – Carys Craig on the Roadmap for the Future of Canadian Copyright Law appeared first on Michael Geist.

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[whirofinvention-blog]

The Value of Compromising

Life gets really busy. Everyone experiences this past a certain age. Sure, the average 9 year old is probably just going to go to school and maybe to football, gymnastics or dance after school. In high school, you get a little busier. Your school work becomes more straining on your schedule and the extracurriculars can start to pile on. You get your first job and your first girlfriend/boyfriend and have even less free time. College can break either way. You may be busier than ever or you may be the kid who skips class unless it is mandatory for you to attend. Maybe you get really involved in a student union or are playing college sports. If you are like me, then a lot of your free time is going to be devoted to doing your essays last minute and going to random parties on Wednesday nights (my first two years of college were not a high point for my academic career, but that's a story for another time).

After all that time, school is finally done and you are free. Infinite free time to do whatever you want. You can stay home and play the newest Elder Scrolls game all day long or take that road trip you've always wanted to go on or even sit on your couch and make spicy new Magic brews for hours. Odds are, you will do none of this. Instead, you get a job where five days a week you are doing the same thing all the time. You will realize that sitting in a desk or at a cash register is not keeping you as in shape as you wanted to be so you have to get a gym membership. Don't forget that if you want to save money you have to make food at least a few nights a week. The time just slips away. This is where I am at. It seems like it is going to get worse before it gets better. There still is more responsibility to come. Whether it is parenthood or buying a house. Things don't really seem to settle down too much for most people.

In case it isn't obvious, this post is about how life can strain the amount of time you have available to do the things you like and some of the sacrifices you have to make. Now, the sacrifice I am going to talk about today is not exactly huge but is relevant to this blog.

Portland is the home to about 10 game stores, and I don't think there is a perfect game store among them. The issues cover the full spectrum you'd expect. Bad prices. Rude employees. Horrible owners. Small selection. A weird obsession with making every order be made via computer even if it is just one card. That's not to say that they are all bad. The ones with rude employees or bad prices tend to have the best selections. The worst selections have the best communities. A few of these stores I have gone to for years and a few of them I will never step into again.

In the summer of 2017, I moved to a different neighborhood and after having signed a lease discovered my apartment was a few blocks away from a LGS. It is one of the smaller shops in the city, but the owner knows a lot about Magic and will provide advice to anyone who walks in to buy singles. Myself and a couple of others are the spikier players amongst the community. At FNM, we are there to have fun and there is a lot of table talk during the event, but we also know how to play and want to win.

Unfortunately, this shop is a little too small to run modern events. There just isn't a large enough player base in the store with modern decks at the present. I can think of four other people who have decks, one of which is a very spicy but not competitive taking turns brew. At the same time, the community is growing and events do fire pretty consistently. The first prerelease I went to there was about 12 people. The Dominaria and Guilds of Ravnica prereleases were both sold out at 32 people. FNM still doesn't fire as often as you would hope, but the first FNM of a new draft format is usually about 16 people compared to 12 months ago when it was 9.

What does this have to do with sacrifices and being busy? Well, I am busy. I work Monday thru Friday and come home everyday to make dinner with my partner. I try and go to the gym for a minimum of 6 hours a week (approximately 3 times). I need to spend time at home and with my friends. Magic is not something I can play every night and when I do go to shops, I try and go with a friend to make it a more social event than just playing games with strangers. Modern events aren't something I will go to by myself. If a friend is up to go to one I will, but I need to plan these things ahead of time because being out till 11:30 on a Wednesday with work at 7:30 the next morning is not where I want to be.

Things haven't lined up in such a way that I have been able to play modern in an event since my last post. Instead, I have been taking advantage of my local shops growing community and the kindness of the owner. These past few weeks I went to their Saturday Standard Showdown event and jammed some games with the owner's G/B/u deck (list at the bottom). This deck oozes value with there being between 10 and 13 cards that can yield two for ones. Last week, things didn't go so well with the deck due to some awkward draws and mana woes. I still went 2-2 and won my entry in store credit back as well as a foil Mox Amber out of my showdown pack. This week I showed up and did the same thing as last week where I just sat there and when an odd number of people signed up, I signed up and borrowed the same deck to make it an even number.

Here's what happened:

Round 1 - RW Angels

My opponent this round is a regular and a brewer. I have a lot of respect for him because his decks are always good, and he almost always is using his own decks. He has been playing this deck since the beginning of the format, and his original iteration was pretty close to what the Boros midrange deck looks like these days. Game 1 started out pretty evenly with him playing his early Adanto Vanguards and  Resplendent Angels with me firing right back with Plaguecrafters, Chupacabras, and Assassin's Trophys. He missed his fourth land drop for a few turns, and I felt like I had the game locked up. Unfortunately, I punted this game. I misevaluated the threat of one of his Resplendent Angels and Trophy-ed it. This gave him his fourth land and allowed him to play a Lyra Dawnbringer on the next turn. I ran out of answers and didn't hit any of my game ending cards early. He hit a few more threats and ran away with the game. The next game started out with both of us mull-ing to five. His early game was three Adanto Vanguards and mine was a Dusk Legion Zealot and Merfolk Branchwalker. I was able to hit my land drops easily and answer all of his threats with Dead Weights and Plaguecrafters. He flooded and played a Huatli and a Lyra in consecutive turns with both being met by Vraska's Contempt. In the end I just went wider than he did and had more answers. Game three was really closed at first with both of us trading resources in the early game with my removal answering his creatures. Then he played Rekindling Phoenix. I had the answer in Vraska's Contempt. A few turns later he plays a second one and I am forced to use a Trophy on the front half and a Moment of Craving on the second. Unfortunately, after giving him a few lands early, when he played the third Phoenix and a Resplendent Angel in the same turn I had no answer. The next turn I played a Branchwalker and explored into an Eldest Reborn which I leave on top. My opponent activates Angel and swings in for over half of my life. The next turn I play the saga; he sacs the angel token and kills me on the crack-back. Keeping the saga on top was a definite misplay since I was dead on board without a card like Vraska's Contempt into Ritual of Soot. Those weren't the next two cards in my deck, so it didn't matter but a misplay is still a misplay.

1-2, 0-1

Round 2 - BR Aggro

One thing to note about this tournament is there were a lot of mulligans. Last round my opponent mulliganed every game and the same thing happened this round. Also, another random thing was I lost literally every die roll so was on the draw a lot. My opener was awkward and consisted of Island and Watery Grave as the only lands. Though I had Muldrotha in hand, I don't want two blue sources ever or Muldrotha in my starting 7, but I kept because I had a Moment of Craving and Ravenous Chupacabra so was in a good spot against any creature deck and the control matchup is bad game 1 anyway so mulliganing to 6 doesn't really help my odds. Luckily for me my opponent plays a Swamp followed by Vicious Conquistador. I draw a second Watery Grave play it tapped and pass turn. Over the next two or three turns my opponent plays a few more durdly creatures like Viashino Pyromancer and I draw the second Moment of Craving and am able to just cleanly answer all of his threats. At the end of my fourth turn, my opponent made a play that made me really confident I would win the match. While I had no creatures on board, I pass the turn and on end step he Lightning Strikes me when I am at 18 life. Whenever this happens I feel so far ahead because now I know my opponent has committed a card to a game plan that I can fight against with little worry. He floods out and I stabilize at 5 life with a Muldrotha in play and many good cards to get back in the graveyard. This game was actually pretty close at one point when I had drawn all three Watery Graves, Island and a Drowned Catacomb, but I drew mostly black cards which are the better cards in the matchup. Game 2 is almost exactly the same where I 1-for-1 till I stabilize with Muldrotha and Eldest Reborn. Truthfully this just seemed like a terrible matchup for my opponent, but his plays game 1 definitely sealed his fate more than anything I did.

2-0, 1-1

Round 3 - BW Vampires

I know this player pretty well and have played him a few times in both Standard and Limited. I think we were 1-1 in Standard, 2-0 in Limited and like 1-4 in Modern (he also plays Hardened Scales and has always beaten me in the mirror but Lantern has gotten there). A few weeks ago he was playing Abzan Knights to middling results. Last week he tried his hand at a Naya Hexproof build and we went 2-1 with my edicts being stronger than his Vine Mares, Nullhide Feroxes (Ferices?) and Palladia-Mors. This week he was running back a classic. Game 1 he plays a Plains and passes the turn. The following turn he plays an Adanto Vanguard and the following turns plays Mavren and then Sanctum Seeker. Overall his curve was very good, but I had answers for most of his plays and by the end of the game I have a Muldrotha, both Vraskas and his Ajani on the battlefield. Needless to say, his vampires weren't as good as my on board removal and draw engines. Game 2 was actually disgusting. His curve was something like turn 1 Vicious Conquistador, turn 2 Legion Lieutenant, turn 3 Radiant Destiny, and turn 4 one drop and Radiant Destiny. I never stood a chance without drawing Ritual of Soot. Since I never drew it, I picked up my cards and we went to game 3. 

Before I get too far into this, I would like to say that this game had one of the better plays I have ever made in Magic happen during it. The game starts alright with my opponent playing early threats and me playing early answers. Around turn 5, I clean up the board with a Ritual of Soot at a pretty comfy life total. I pass the turn and my opponent plays a couple of vampires and ticks up an Ajani he already had to five. The following turn I do nothing but look at my completely empty board. My opponent then plays two Vicious Conquistadors and an Adanto Vanguard. I play a Muldrotha and pass the turn. On his turn he plays a Sanctum Seeker and Legion Lieutenant, pluses Ajani up to ult range and attacks with two Conquistadors and the Vanguard. I block a Conquistador with Muldrotha and go to 1. At this point I am circling the drain. I swing with Muldrotha at Ajani because I am dead on board to the attack trigger with any vamp so long as the Sanctum Seeker stays alive. Luckily he blocks with his Sanctum Seeker wanting to ult the Ajani to seal up the game - which was already sealed. I am forced to Dead Weight one of the Conquistadors and then recast it from the graveyard on the second. After playing a Merfolk Branchwalker to block and an Evolving Wilds I passed the turn. On the next turn my opponent plays another Legion Lieutenant and swings with Vanguard. I chump with the Branchwalker. He ults Ajani and passes. For the rest of the game I am forced to Dead Weight and recast my own Plague Mare from my graveyard every single turn to wipe away the cats over and over. Eventually I am able to play four spells pretty much every turn and my opponent never is able to catch up. I thought I couldn’t win the game but was proud of myself for seeing the line to keep his cat tokens at bay and eventually grind out the win.

2-1, 2-1

Round 4 - Mardu Burn

My opponent's deck this round was honestly one of the craziest standard decks I have ever played against. A friend of mine at the shop had mentioned losing to this player the round before and simply said that my opponent was on a crazy burn deck playing both Risk Factor and Sword-Point Diplomacy. I had the advantage going into the round of having some idea what my opponent was doing, so I was optimistic. Still, I didn't feel great about it. Going into the game my deck felt like it was made up exclusively of dead cards. Moment of Craving. Dead Weight. Ravenous Chupacabra even. This game wasn't even close. He cast multiple Sword-Point Diplomacys and a Risk Factor and was able to kill pretty much every single threat I played with Justice Strikes and random burn spells. At one point he just goes face and Banefires me for 5 when I was at 4 to play around countermagic. I went with the tech-y play of Moment of Craving my own creature to go to 1, but he just runs it back the next turn so my play didn't matter. The sideboard for this deck isn't designed for this matchup. I don't believe any sideboard is designed for this matchup. Fortunately for me, the sideboard is heavily skewed to beat control so I grab the copies of Duress, Negate and Unmoored Ego (which is for the Teferi matchup and I really don't like in the Teferi matchup). I pull out every copy of Dead Weight, Midnight Reaper, and Dusk Legion Zealot figuring the Dead Weight would literally never do anything (which was accurate) and that the life loss of these two creatures could be too detrimental. The other considerations were the Vraska's Contempts and Moment of Craving, but the Contempts have so much utility and the Cravings sometimes just keep you alive. Game two starts with me Duressing my opponent and seeing Banefire, Risk Factor, Cleansing Nova and four lands. I take the Banefire and pass the turn. Turn 3 I Unmoored Ego naming Risk Factor and see my opponents win cons are Erratic Cyclops, Angrath, Banefire and burn. The following turns consist of me playing creatures and him killing them. I eventually Unmoored Ego away his Sword-Point Diplomacys to put him in a position where he has no traditional card advantage. My Eldest Reborns and Contempts answer his Angraths and I stabilize in the low teens with a Vraska, Relic Seeker and Karn in play. He scoops up his cards, and we go to game 3. Game 3 consisted of a few misplays on my part but was extremely similar overall to game 2. I turn 3 Unmoored Ego away his Risk Factors again, curve out and play my lands. He kills my creatures and also hits his land drops. There was an awkward moment later in the game where I Unmoored Ego and say Sword-Point Diplomacy but almost immediately say Angrath afterwards. Unfortunately my opponent flipped his hand face-up so fast and had an Angrath already putting me in the position of not wanting to feel like I was angle shooting - I swear I didn't see his hand when I changed my choice. I do what I consider to be the right thing and take out the Sword-Points. I had an Eldest Reborn in hand anyways. The game ends with him having to regularly use his board wipes to clear my Eldest Reborns allowing my creatures to trade 1-for-1 the whole time. Once my second Muldrotha hits the table and I bring back a creature and Eldest Reborn, the game is pretty much over.

This was the coolest deck I played against all tournament. The pseudo-redundancy of the punisher cards made the deck feel consistent and, well, punishing. The game 1 matchup was probably close to unwinnable with the percentage being like 80/20 in his favor. The sideboard games though felt really hard to lose and probably flipped it to 60/40 for me. In the last game, I wonder if I should have named Angrath and Banefire from the start with Unmoored Ego to make it literally impossible for him to win assuming I can kill his Cyclops with one of the six cards that cleanly deal with creatures in the deck. If I had both Egos in my opening hand then I think that play I made was wrong but since I only had one, it was probably correct still. As a note and request to players out there, my opponent seemed like a really nice guy, but his graveyard/exile zone was super chaotic and literally just a pile of cards thrown together. Don't be like my opponent. Keep a clean play area.

2-1, 3-1

Round 5 - G/B Midrange

The two of us sat down at the table and instantly knew what the other player was on. Since I was borrowing the shop owner's deck the regulars were familiar with it, and I had been sitting next to my opponent round 1. As we shuffle he says something like, "This is a bad matchup for me. All of your Plaguecraters and Chupacabras are really hard for me to beat." The start of this game is pretty slow with him playing a Wildgrowth Walker and some explore creatures early and me playing two drops and removal spells in response. He misses his third land drop for awhile, and I continue to play lands and threats. By the time he hits his third land, I am too far ahead for him to come back. Now, I understand that casually chatting while shuffling is good form, but I would advise against saying card X or card Y is hard for you to beat to your opponent. Knowing that my sideboard plan became simple. Take out every single card that wasn't a 2-for-1. I took out the Greenseekers (since they probably are rarely going to survive the turn cycle), Moment of Cravings, and a single Dusk Legion Zealot to bring in the Arguel's Blood Fast, Find//Finality and Ritual of Soot. Every game started with both of us playing early creatures and having a back and forth of resources. Unfortunately, his creatures just slightly outsized mine, and I was put in a spot where my blocks weren't good but my life total was ticking down. He cast a Sylvan Awakening (there was a weird lands subtheme in his deck that I never really figured out) and brought me down lower than I could recover from after he played a big Vraska the following turn and started making pirates. Game 3 saw me keeping a very sketchy 7 that I probably should have thought on more. He specifically told me that his deck didn't do well against 2-for-1s that answered creatures. So, keeping a hand of Merfolk Branchwalker, Assassin's Trophy and five lands may not have been a great idea. He duresses me on turn 1 and takes the removal spell. I draw a Ritual of Soot off the top, play Branchwalker leaving a spell on top and pass. He plays his Wildgrowth Walker and passes back. A few turns later he plays a Kitesail Freebooter and sees my hand has both an Assassin's Trophy and Ritual of Soot. He's pretty much priced into taking the Ritual since it wipes his board and would get back any other card he may take. I decide to Trophy his Freebooter and get back my Ritual. Over the next two or three turns my opponent makes the mistake that loses him the game in my opinion. Since I have the board wipe in hand he decides to pass the turn doing literally nothing. No land drop. Not adding to the board. Not attacking. Nothing. I draw my card, play my land and pass. This happens one more time where he draws and says go with me responding with a draw, land, go. On the following turn cycle I draw Muldrotha and cast Ritual of Soot. He plays some threats, but I play Muldrotha and an Evolving Wilds after drawing a second Muldrotha. He obviously kills the first but when the second comes down he has no answer. Eventually multiple Eldest Reborns seal the deal in my favor.

I understand the incentive of playing around the board wipe, but this was a classic case of me not being pressured enough to need to use the board wipe. With neither player adding to the board and me hitting land drops, I don't think my opponent had a chance. He had a Find to get back the wiped creatures, but he probably should have forced me into playing the board wipe as early as possible to allow him to rebuild aggressively. I still would have won probably given my draws, but he gave me to much control of the end game. The fact that his main deck was designed to beat aggro probably helped me out a lot too.

2-1, 4-1

I'm very happy with this result. I didn't play perfect, but I did well enough to get 4th (the lowest of the 4-1 players due to breakers). The standard showdown pack had a Sulfur Falls and a foil Risk Factor in it which was nice. The deck ran smoothly, and the only meaningful changes I would make would be cutting the blue since it makes the mana a little painful and awkward. Though it gives access to a few powerful spells, I have to wonder if the Muldrothas should just be Jadelights, Izonis, or Carnage Tyrants. Let the Negates and Egos be a fourth Duress, Wildgrowth Walker, and maybe something spicy. Also I would probably swap out the Dusk Legion Zealots in favor of Seekers’ Squire since I think the body coupled with the lifeloss can really matter against aggro.

The best estimation I can give of the decklist is below. I don't have the deck in front of me so there are some things I am guessing on (specifically the number of Branchwalkers, Vraska's Contempts, and Chupacabras). If you have the cards, I would recommend building the deck. It is definitely fun.

2x Dead Weight 3x Dusk Legion Zealot 3x Merfolk Branchwalker 2x Dryad Greenseeker 2x Moment of Craving 3x Assassin's Trophy 2x Midnight Reaper 2x Plaguecrafter 2x Vraska's Contempt 2x Ravenous Chupacabra 1x Golgari Findbroker 1x Karn, Scion of Urza 2x Vraska, Golgari Queen 3x The Eldest Reborn 2x Muldrotha, the Gravetide 1x Vraska, Relic Seeker 1x Find//Finality 2x Evolving Wilds 1x Island 5x Swamp 4x Forest 3x Watery Grave 2x Drowned Catacomb 4x Woodland Cemetery 4x Overgrown Tomb

Sideboard 3x Duress 2x Negate 2x Arguel's Bloodfast 2x Plague Mare 3x Unmoored Ego 2x Ritual of Soot 1x Find//Finality