#unfortunately she acknowledges my existence every single session

[tardis--dreams]

I cry- i was the only one who did the "homework" for our seminar (literally just post the bibliographic information for two articles on the elearning forum) and the lecturer took a screenshot of it, included it in her ppt and showed it in class as a reminder for everyone else to please do the same

[jalapeno-princess]

All I Need is You

(Guys I miss Mark so fucking much *Cue Tori Vega I think we all miss Mark)

Songwriter Mark X Reader

Genre: Extremely fluffy angst (is that even a thing?)

Word Count: 5.8K

Summary: For all your life, your parents raised you to be the perfect daughter of every parent’s dreams. You did every single thing your parents forced you to do and never did you complain about anything they’d make you do, no matter how badly you wanted to. That all changed the day your path collides with Mark Tuan. After being stripped of your childhood completely in order to be respective and follow your parent’s desires, Mark shows you how beautiful life can be when you do the things you want to. Mark is the breath of fresh air from a life you feel so suffocated in. For the duration of your relationship, you did your best in hiding him from your parents in fear of them disapproving of the older boy. However, once you graduate from college, you decide you are old enough to make your own decisions and you build the courage to introduce your boyfriend to your family. The night starts off without a hitch; everyone seems to really like him up until your mom asks him what he does for a living. That’s when things take a turn for the worst and your mom gives you an ultimatum; to chose between the love of your life and your family.

A/N: Hey guys, so I’ve been wanting to write an imagine based on the song Paris by the chainsmokers for the longest time and here it is. Only when I reached the middle of writing the story did I realize this is the complete opposite of my other story “Second Chances” LOL. Anyways, I hope you enjoy this story (most of it is written in past tense so I hope you don’t get confused).

We were staying in Paris To get away from your parents And I thought, "Wow If I could take this in a shot right now I don't think that we could work this out" Out on the terrace I don't know if it's fair but I thought "How Could I let you fall by yourself While I'm wasted with someone else

"If we go down then we go down together They'll say you could do anything They'll say that I was clever If we go down then we go down together We'll get away with everything Let's show them we are better Let's show them we are better Let's show them we are better

“Hey, everything okay?”

It was currently 2:45 a.m. and normally, you’d be fast asleep right now but you couldn’t help feeling as if the bed grew more spacious and colder than it was when you first went to sleep. Mark was your own personal furnace; the two of you fell asleep pretty early after a long day of sightseeing and an even longer night of love making.

After multiple rounds of his all but gentle kisses on your neck, jaw and chest as he rammed himself in and out of your velvety walls, you both were too tired to get up and clean yourselves off. He immediately pulled you in to his chest and wrapped his arms tightly around your waist while placing his face in the crook of your neck and whispering sweet nothings until his dreams finally took a hold of him. It’s been like this for the last three weeks since you and Mark ran away to Paris in the hopes of hiding from your extremely overprotective and non-understanding parents.

You’d go sight seeing, visit a couple of museums, cute little coffee shops and sometimes you’d even go to a farmer’s market and you’d buy food to make for recipes you and Mark learned while watching whatever they had on television. Almost every single night ended up in sex; on a few occasions, there were drunken stupors where one of you or sometimes even both of you would have a little too much to drink and you’d have wild, kinky sex.

Then there were the days where you’d argue over minuscule and unnecessary things and usually Mark would be the first to give up and apologizing with his head between your thighs. Most of your love making sessions were soft, passionate and very romantic.

To strangers or people who weren’t familiar with him, Mark gave off an intimidating and sometimes standoffish kind of vibe. It was only because he was actually very shy and soft spoken and those who actually knew him were aware of how talkative and outgoing he could be around those he was comfortable with.

Unfortunately, your parents were the kind of people you’d always sought praise from and you’d do whatever you could to make them proud. Ever since you were a little girl, you went along with every command they would give you, you never complained about the clubs they’d put you in or the clothes they had you wear. It wasn’t as if you were the only child, you had three other siblings but since you were the youngest, your parents were a little more strict with you even if you never gave them a reason to question or mistrust you.

It wasn’t until Mark came in to your life that your relationship with your parents took a completely different turn. You’ve known Mark since middle school and although you hardly ever talked to him, you did admire him from afar and you could only wish to build up the courage so that maybe one day, you’d be able to at least say hello.

He was always such a social butterfly and made friends with anybody he’d interact with. All the girls in your grade had a crush on him, but you couldn’t blame them. Not only was he a sight for sore eyes, he was such a free spirit; he had decent grades and not once did the teachers have any problems with him like they did with his friends. But he was never one to genuinely care about his education, and unfortunately that was his downfall.

When you finally entered high school, it’s as if the world felt like it was time for you and Mark to come together and for your two worlds to become one. In your first semester, he was in almost every single one of your classes. You didn’t think you were the smartest person in your grade, but you did pretty well in all the subjects. All those years of long, grueling days of summer school actually paid off. Sometimes, you hated being the youngest.

Your parents expected so much out of you but they never seemed to care about anything that your two older brothers and your older sister did. They all got to join groups, clubs and sports that they genuinely liked whereas you were coerced in to learning how to play the violin and the cello. You were thankful that school was considerably easy for you seeing as how your parents made education your first priority.

While your brothers would play video games and your sister would talk on the phone with her friends, you’d be practicing math problems and read books about the civil war. You didn’t think you got to experience a legitimate childhood you’d witness all your classmates and friends had. For that reason alone, you always felt different from everybody else and it was the reason why you were so hesitant on continuing friendships with the few friends you did have from middle school.

You could never relate to anything they’d talk about; all their favorite movies they’d watch, the latest installment of Grand theft auto that they’d play, going to each other’s houses—you weren’t even allowed to cross the street by yourself let alone go out with your friends. Entering high school by yourself had to be one of the most scariest things you had to go through and because your siblings were at least five years older than you, none of them would be there at least if you needed someone to confide in or run to.

From all the stories you’d hear from each of them, their high school experiences were ones for the books. Both of your brothers joined each and every sport you could think of and your sister was the co-captain of the cheerleading team. She also had a few boyfriends in high school and you felt as if a lot of the mistakes she made were the reasons why your parents took complete control of your life.

It didn’t take long for Mark to acknowledge your existence; in fact, what you didn’t know was that back in middle school, he noticed you even if you didn’t realize it yourself. While all the girls would ogle over him and try to get his attention, he would find himself admiring you from afar.

Mark always thought you were so cute; you were always hesitant to answer the questions your teacher would ask you even if everyone was aware you knew the answer, whenever someone asked you for help you were always so quick to attend to them no matter what they were asking of you and he could never get the way you would blush when you were flustered out of his head.

He had no problem talking with other girls, but he’d become a mess at even just the thought of having to talk to you. Mark was quick to pick up on how you had most of your classes together, and he was going to use this to his advantage. Only a month in to school, both his algebra teacher and his language arts teacher pulled him to the side to tell him that he wasn’t doing too good in their classes. It wasn’t that Mark was purposefully failing his classes in order to get you to tutor him, he never was all that amazing in school to begin with.

High school wasn’t even half as easy as middle school was. Getting anything lower than a C wasn’t going to cut it and now that he had two Ds, he planned on asking you for some help. When Mark did approach you and asked you to help him catch up with a couple of missing assignments and to help teach him some algebra formulas, you had a hard time believing he was even talking to you. In the beginning of your tutoring sessions, he was always quite the gentleman.

He’d give you his full attention, always waited till you were done talking before he’d ask you a question, he’d tell you silly jokes so that it wasn’t always about studying and learning and sometimes he would drop you home after your meetings. It didn’t take long for your tutoring sessions to turn in to something more and only three months after getting to know each other, he asked you to be his girlfriend.

Dating Mark was a dream you never think would become a reality. He was extremely kind hearted and took care of you in ways you didn’t think you’d be able to experience. You were shocked when he confessed that he’s liked you for all these years, and you were quick to admit the same to him. Knowing how your parents could be, you decided to keep your relationship with Mark a secret and he was very understanding about the entire thing.

The two of you would sneak around during and after school for the entirety of your high school years and your love for one another only grew stronger as the time went by. You fell in love with him in tiny little coffee shops, in the back of the library where you’d be making out together when you were supposed to be studying. You’d lie to your parents and say you were preparing for tests and picking up on extra credit when really you’d be lying in the back of Mark’s truck, cuddling in his arms while looking up at the stars.

Mark did a great job at helping you take your mind off of how perfect you were supposed to be. He was the breath of fresh air that you’ve always craved and now that you had him, you didn’t think you would be able to let him go. Ever. He made you feel like a little kid again; you actually got to experience all sorts of things you’ve wanted to do as a child through your relationship. It didn’t take you long to fall in love with him.

Being in love was an indescribable feeling. Every time something good happened to you, he was the first person you wanted to tell and whenever something bad happened, he was the shoulder you wanted to cry on. He always knew the right thing to say; but if there ever was a time he didn’t know how to respond to something, he would just hold you comfortingly while whispering sweet, encouraging words in your ear.

People claimed that perfect people didn’t exist and if that’s the case, then Mark came pretty close. You felt as if he was sent in your life to be your safe haven; your sanity. The burst of color in your world of black and white. He had a habit of telling you he loved you every single day and even if he weren’t to do so, his actions spoke for him. You don’t know how you did it, but you actually did a great job in hiding Mark from your parents for the last few years.

There were times where you did come pretty close to getting caught; whether it was because of how loud you didn’t think you were while talking on the phone with him, or when you’d come back home with swollen lips and tousled hair. It didn’t matter to you though. A part of you was ready for whatever response you’d receive from your parents. Honestly, Mark was the kind of guy you’d bring home to your parents; so you weren’t afraid of the idea of introducing him to your family.

The only thing you were really worried about was what they would say when they were to find out you were hiding a boyfriend from them for over six years. After graduating from high school, both you and Mark went straight in to college. You went in to study criminal law and he had high hopes of becoming an engineer. Three months in to college, Mark decided it wasn’t for him and as his girlfriend, although you were upset at the idea, you supported and trusted his choices.

College wasn’t for everybody. With that being said, it was then that you found out he wanted to become a songwriter. In the few years that you’ve known him for, not once did he ever talk about wanting to write songs. You didn’t think he was passionate about music in general let alone wanting to write music for artists but when he showed you a few of the songs he had wrote, with most of them being about you, you knew he was extremely talented.

Mark always had a way with words and now that you saw them written down on paper, you knew you’d continue to support his dreams and his future endeavors and that you would do anything to help him if he needed it. Before you knew it, four years came and gone and you graduated from college with your bachelor’s degree in criminal justice. It didn’t take too long for law firms to reach out to you with internships and to see if you were interested to work for their companies. Mark was also very successful  with his career.

He started off small; he wrote a few things here and there for some up and coming artists but it wasn’t anything too major. No matter how patient he was, there were times he did grow discouraged and felt like giving up but you never allowed him to. You saw how passionate he was about writing. You’d watch him stay up trying to write down any ideas that would pop through his head.

The road to success wasn’t easy, but when he got an offer from a record company to write songs for a popular artist you both listened to, he was extremely over the moon and made sure to let you know your love, your patient, your support and your determination to help him succeed was what kept him going.

The day came where you felt like you were ready to tell your parents about the man you were head over heels in love with and the reaction you got wasn’t one you were expecting. When you brought him over for dinner, both your mother and your sister raved over how good looking he was and your brothers tried their best to come off as the older, overprotective brothers boyfriends wouldn’t want to mess with. But when they heard Mark played fortnite, they were sold.

Even your father took a liking to him once Mark told him his favorite football team were the Patriots. Everything seemed to be going perfectly and you were so upset with yourself for keeping him a secret for so long. It wasn’t until your mother asked him what he did for a living that things only went downhill from there. I’m a songwriter. You could still remember the grave look on your mom’s face and with the way she motioned for you to follow her and your father in to the living room while excusing the three of you from the table, you knew it wasn’t going to be good.

You were angry that she didn’t wait for dinner to be finished or even for Mark to go home before ridiculing him on his career. It was obvious that she wasn’t too happy to hear he was a musician but it didn’t matter what she thought. Hell, you didn’t care about what anyone in your family thought about him. You loved Mark, with every beat of your heart and there was nothing your parents could say or do to change your mind about him.

��You are to break up with that boy immediately.”

Your eyes widened in shock at your mother’s command and for the first time looking her, hell, looking at your parents, you didn’t feel afraid of them. This time, you had something beautiful worth fighting for. This wasn’t something minuscule; it wasn’t something you could just stop like piano lessons or tennis practice. This was an 8 year long relationship she was telling you to end and there was no way you were going to lose against your parents without putting up a fight.

“No.”

The scoff that came from your mother’s throat wasn’t unexpected. This was the first time ever you talked back to either of your parents. This was the first time you actually said the word no in your 23 years of existence and damn, it felt really good.

“Excuse me? Did you just tell your mother no? Y/n, he’s a musician! He will never be able to give you the life you deserve! That is not a career! You’ll be the one having to take care of your entire family, I refuse to let this man ruin your life. You’re going to throw away everything you’ve worked so hard for—for someone whose position in your life isn’t promised. You know better than this, there are plenty more men in the world with better jobs and probably better living situations. Mrs.Choi’s son is a—“

“I don’t give a shit about Mrs.Choi’s son or Mrs.Park’s son or anyone’s damn son for that matter. I love Mark. I am in love with Mark. I only want Mark. Mark is all I need. I don’t care about what his job title is. It makes him happy and he’s pretty fucking amazing at what he does. But like I said, I don’t give a shit what he does for a living. He could be a garbage man and I’d still love him with every fiber of my being because that’s what love is mom. Love is not money, it’s not a big mansion in Beverly Hills with a doctor husband and six cars I will probably never drive. Love is what I feel when I’m with Mark. He takes care of me. He makes me laugh when I’m sad, he makes me smile even in the most inconvenient situations. He does my laundry, cleans our apartment, blow dries my hair when I’m tired, takes me to and pays for all my doctor’s appointments. We’ve been together for almost 8 years and these last 8 years have been the best years of my entire life because of him. The two of you stripped away the entirety of my childhood from me and Mark was the fountain of youth to help me experience actually being a human.” If looks could kill, the glare your mother was sending you would have you six feet under, but you didn’t care.

“I’m not a little girl anymore. I’m grown. I’m an adult for crying out loud you guys can’t tell me what to do anymore. I’m sorry you can’t accept it but I love Mark and I plan on doing so for the rest of my life and there’s nothing either of you can say or do to change my mind.”

“If you leave with him tonight, you are never allowed back in to this house ever again.” The burst of confidence and bravery you had confessing your love for Mark and the fact that you had every intention of staying with him went right out the window at your mother’s ultimatum. Was she really making you choose between your boyfriend and your family? There was no way you could choose between the two of them. Yes, Mark was the best thing that’s ever happened to you. But to lose all contact with your family because your parents were being unfair and irrational with their decision? She didn’t even take the time to listen to your words; did she not care about your health, happiness and well-being? Here was a man putting her youngest daughter on a pedestal, giving her the entire world and more but yet she still couldn’t accept that. You didn’t know the consequences of your next few words, but it wasn’t even a question. “Mark, we’re leaving. Let’s go.”

Your boyfriend came out from the kitchen and you had a feeling he probably heard the entire conversation between you and your parents, but your mind was so focused on leaving before things could get any worse. “Y/n, wait, sweetie think about this—think about what you’re doing—are you really willing to give up your family for a boy?”

“A man—he’s a man and yes—he’s all the family I could ever need. He’s shown me more love and support in our 8 years of being together than either of you did in the last 23 years of my existence. If you were a really family, you’d accept Mark for who he is and what he does and you’d be happy with the fact that he takes such good care of me but no. Your pride, your reputation, your wealth, your social status and your ego are more important than my feelings and what I want. You don’t care about me. You never cared about me you just cared about what others would think about me and I’m sick of it. I’m done. Have a nice rest of your life. Assholes.”

You marched out of the house and a huge weight was lifted off of your shoulders. With the rate you were walking, your boyfriend had to practically jog to catch up with you because you were filled with so many different emotions. Anger. Sadness. Grief. But no regret, nor any remorse. You knew you made the right decision in choosing Mark because not only did you choose Mark, you chose yourself. You were no longer going to allow your parents to dictate your life anymore.

“Baby—are you alright?” You gave him a sad smile before stealing a soft kiss from the corner of his mouth.

“Maybe not right now, but I will be. Take me home Mark.” Your siblings tried to get in touch with you for weeks, trying to get you to come back and to talk things out with your parents, but the damage was done. Neither of them were going to accept your relationship. It was a tough pill to swallow, but you accepted it for what it was.

Even if one day they came around and accepted Mark being a songwriter, there was no way you could ever forget the look of disgust on your mom’s face when Mark said what his job was nor could you forget how your dad just stood there and said nothing. It genuinely showed that neither of your parents really cared about you even if you were the star child out of the four of you and that’s what was hurting you the most.

Mark did his best to try and take your mind off what had happened and every time you’d look at him while he was sleeping, while he was cooking the two of you dinner or while the two of you would shower together, you’d see the glint in his eyes as he looked at you like you were one of the seven wonders of the world and you knew you made the right choice. You’d pick him again and again every single time.

He never brought up the fact that your parents didn’t accept his passion but you were sure it must have hurt him. Especially because that’s was caused you to be cut off from your entire family, but he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t extremely content with your decision. A few weeks ago, Mark got a call from the record company he was working for and gave him the opportunity to travel around Europe to work with a couple of the entertainers there and he didn’t hesitate to ask you to tag along with him.

The adventure started off in Italy, then you found yourselves in London and Greece. Each and every city was more than you could even imagine. The scenery was so beautiful, the food was delicious, the people were so sweet and the fact that you got to experience it all with your soulmate; your favorite person was a feeling you would never be able to fathom in to words.

Paris had to be your favorite place you had visited so far and you were sure it had to deal with the fact that it was the city of love and you were making the most of it with the love of your life by your side. It was currently winter in Paris right now; the temperature only grew colder as the days went by which is why you were shocked to see Mark outside on the balcony in only his underwear, but the sight did make your cheeks pink.

No matter how many times you’ve seen him naked, you always got so shy and flustered. He was freezing cold when you finally found your way behind him, you placed your chin on his shoulder blade and left a soft kiss there while lazily wrapping your arms around his hips. The giggle that fell from your lips at the feeling of your bare chest against his back couldn’t be helped, he was so cold and the frost nipped at your skin.

It took you a few moments to notice the cigarette in his hand and when you did, you grew worried. Mark hated cigarettes. He hated the smell and hated the negative effect they had on people’s bodies. However, you noticed he began smoking them after working with a well-known rapper who claimed that smoking helped him relax. It was a habit you weren’t too fond of; you knew it was probably damaging his lungs and you could taste the ash in his kisses, but you knew something had to be bothering him for him to want to even start smoking so you never tried stopping him.

For the last month, you haven’t seen a pack of cigarettes lying around the place nor did the scent linger on his clothes so you knew there was a chance he stopped. Seeing that ugly death stick in between his fingers made your blood boil; you didn’t want anything happening to his health because of a stupid decision he‘d make whenever he was upset.

“Go back to bed baby. I’ll be there soon, I just needed a little break. I’m fine.” You’ve been with Mark long enough to know when he was lying. You didn’t have to see him; the lack of confidence in his voice and the way he tensed up against your body made it clear that something was indeed on his mind, and there was no way you’d be able to go back to sleep knowing he was overthinking.

“Talk to me Mark. Something is obviously bothering you and I want to be able to help you.” He released a long sigh before putting out the cigarette and turning to face you. His eyes were red and puffy and there were dried tears on his cheeks.

The idea of him crying made your heart hurt; he was always the strong one in your relationship. No matter how rough life would get for him, he never showed that he was having a hard time. He hated burdening other people, especially you. So all his battles, he’d keep to himself. You hated that he never confided in you the way you always seemed to with him. You wanted to be able to help him carry the burden or to help fight the war in his mind that he was battling alone.

“Why did you do it?” You immediately looked at him in confusion. What was he talking about? What did you do that could be causing him so much distress and frustration?

“Mark��“

“You gave up everything to be with me. You’re completely cut off from your parents, you gave up your job at the law firm, you had to sell your car, you left all your friends without any explanation as to why you were leaving—just for me. I can’t give you everything that I want to just yet. I can’t promise to give you a big house, a nice car—we’ve been together for years and I have every intention on marrying you y/n but I can’t afford to buy you the ring of your dreams—I’m honestly nothing. I’m a college dropout trying to become a renowned songwriter y/n. Sure, I’ve been getting quite a few amazing opportunities but it isn’t enough for us to be set for the rest of our lives nor can we really be comfortable. Like your mom said, there are many men out there who’d be able to take care of you in the ways that I can’t. All I can do is love you y/n, and fuck. I love you more than you can even fathom yourself. But you deserve so much more and sometimes love isn’t enough—“

“Do you hear yourself right now? Are you really asking me why I left my life behind to be with you? My family, I love them dearly. But you know how I feel about my parents, how they sheltered me, overprotected me, forced me in to doing things I didn’t want to. They never did care about how I felt; not once did they stop and think maybe they were working me to the bone. I was never happy Mark. Until you came in to my life and I really don’t know what I would do if I were to lose you. I’m assuming you must’ve heard what my mom said and don’t you dare listen or even think what she said was true. You are not nothing Mark. You are so talented, so hardworking, so passionate and dedicated and if anyone deserves the world baby—it’s you. I meant what I said when I told her I couldn’t give less of a shit about any materialistic things. What’s a fucking Porsche going to do for me if my husband neglects me? What’s a big house if the person that I love isn’t there to share it with me?” You brought your hand up to cup his cheek and released a sigh of relief when he leaned in to your palm.

“You and I could live in a fucking box and I wouldn’t care and you wanna know why? Because you’re there. All I need is you. I don’t care where we go, who we meet, how much money we have in our bank accounts; as long as I have you right beside me, I’m not worried about anything. I can get another car Mark, I can find another job, I can make new friends—but there is never going to be another you. So stop beating yourself up about the decisions I made in the last few months. I did it for us. I did it because I love you. I will never love anyone the way I love you. Now get it out of your head that I deserve someone better than you because a man like that doesn’t exist. And yes—your love is enough Mark. It’s all that matters to me. The way you take care of me when I’m sick, or hold me close as we watch a scary movie. The way you take a bite out of my food to make sure it isn’t too hot, although I feel like you use that as an excuse just to try my food. The way you can be so tired, yet you want to sit down and listen to me go on about my day. You love me Mark. You never fail to say it, but it means more to me because you never fail to show it either.” At this point, his tears were flowing steadily from the bird of his eyelids and you found yourself wiping them away every time new tears fell.

“A person’s job title, the amount of education they’ve received, the kind of car they drive and the house they live in; none of that matters babe. I know you probably hear this all the time, but it’s what the inside that matters. Genuinely. All the wealth, the riches, it doesn’t make you better than anyone else. Your personality, your selflessness, your golden heart, your generosity, your patience, the love you never fail to show others, that’s why I fell in love with you. Oh—and your stupidly handsome looks but that’s besides the point. I’d go wherever it is that you’ll go. Whatever you need me to do, or be in order to help you grow as an artist or just a human being in general, I’ll do it. I’ll do anything for you Mark Tuan. And one day, when everything works out with your career, we can rub it in my parents faces. No more tears my love. It’s just you and I; and that’s what makes me the most happy. Oh—and I don’t need a big wedding or a huge diamond ring to get me to marry you. You could get me a ring pop for all I care. I just want to be with you. We could honestly elope in one of the hotel’s chapels if that’s what you want.”

He didn’t miss a beat before bringing his hands on either side of your face and roughly connecting your lips together. His mouth was warm and wet against yours, his kisses were rough and needy. It’s as if he was putting everything he wanted to say to you in to the kiss. How grateful he was for you. How much you meant to him. How much he loved you more than his heart could genuinely handle. Mark knew he needed to continue fighting for his dream in order to prove to you that you made the right decision in choosing him. Soon, the atmosphere was filled of sexual tension and it didn’t take too long for you to feel something hard against your thigh.

“I just—I hope—fuck. Thank you baby. I could never thank you enough for everything that you’ve done and continue to do for me. You’re the most ethereal being to walk on this earth you know that. I really, really do not deserve you but I will spend the rest of my life proving to you that I’m sure happy you chose me. Don’t tempt me, I might just go down to the gift shop and get you that ring pop. I love you—so fucking much my beautiful girl. God , only you could make me hard as a rock while I’m in the middle of crying—I know it’s 3 A.M, and I promised I would take you to the Champs-Élysées later on today, but I really want to show you just how grateful I am for you. I also kinda want to solve this problem in my pants and fuck the shit out of you so let’s go baby. You might have to rent a motor chair to get around once I’m done with you.”

[orangegreet]

No Minor Miracles | Chapter 2

An Evening in Winter

The darkest evening in winter begs for just a sliver of light.

If he thought things would change for them following their late night miracle, Aleksander was sourly mistaken.

Months went by without contact.

The more angry he became about it, the more it confirmed that he was out of control.

Seeing her, being vulnerable to her, opened a floodgate. A torrent of warring emotions swirled around him so that he struggled to even name them properly before they shifted again.

Despite assertions made by Alina on prior occasions that these feelings created a more rewarding experience in life, this inability to distance himself from every nuance of emotion degraded his mental state.

Centuries of conquering every thought. Controlling every outcome. A puppeteer to countless Tsars with whole nations bent to his will—all to be undone by a slip of a woman who had barely existed for even three decades.

Alina, this one person to whom he was bound, body and soul, just happened to be so far outside of his grasp that he couldn’t name a single city she had passed through since the day she left Os Alta. For everything she knew about him, he couldn’t name a single one of her goals, objectives, accomplishments, or desires. It was humiliating.

She had promised he was one of her desires.

At least, this is what he clung to in the early days. Ruminating by the fire or letting his thoughts slip into this reassurance over another lonely meal or late in the night when he awoke without cause and stared out the window.

These were things he had never done before. Foreign and juvenile behaviors. Yet he allowed them to continue bringing him comfort. Allowed them freedom to permeate his day as he had let nothing else in several millennia.

Until the nagging doubt began to seep in.

Did she say exactly that she desired him?

It seemed burned into his brain at one time but some memories of that night which he previously savored began to disintegrate.

When they reformed, new perspectives propagated themselves like weeds in his recollections.

They drifted in to discolor formerly pleasant thoughts during an evening bath; late nights were spent hunched over a desk dissecting vaguely remembered words.

Madness stole over him at odd moments.

War council meetings were sometimes punctuated with abrupt surges of intensity which forced him to nail his hands to his sides lest he sic shadows into the throats of the King’s men.

An afternoon horse ride intended to invigorate and chase away all thought instead stamped his misgivings to the wall of his mind as decisively as hooves sunk into mud.

She had called him inevitable. Her Inevitable.

Inevitability did not exactly parallel desire.

Still, he refused to call to her. The one weakness he would not submit to again.

It was during these months following when the General discovered he’d grown a distinct bitterness toward his Heartrender as well.

It was the rancor in his own voice when he issued commands that tipped him off. Followed with a silent seething when the orders were carried out to perfection.

No accolades were awarded in the face of the exemplary service; eventually no words of gratitude expressed at all yet Ivan remained stoically indifferent.

Unfortunately this only fed the festering malice.

The Darkling persevered to tamp it down. The longer he was away from Alina, the more desperately he tried pull the armor back around himself. Only, to his increasing distress, the cracks in the facade would not be patched.

This, the General realized, was the source of his ire. Understanding came to him in the form of some sudden glaring prophecy that he could never have foretold.

With regret, he understood the advantage of having the most highly skilled Heartrender in the Second Army at his side, also meant employing a man who was privy to every betraying fault in the rhythms of the General’s chest.

His growing madness had physical tells and it would not do to have them known to anyone but himself. Every staccato, every irregularity, every tremor exposed his ever slipping control.

Ivan knew too much.

Initially, the Darkling resigned himself to killing his right hand. In his defense, he fully intended to do the deed himself—bequeathing the task to another would be dishonorable to the decades of otherwise impeccable service.

However multiple strategy sessions spent visualizing every step that would follow such a death led him back to the beginning to start again. A new tactic to try, a different scenario to explore.

Until he eventually determined there was no true gain for him in Ivan’s death.

The bitter reality of the situation was this: no one could be by his side except a Heartrender. And yet no other Heartrender had ever shown such aptitude for pain, control, precision and, ultimately, discretion.

No one could replace the man. His death could not be borne since it would bring no peace.

Any replacement to follow would be just as dialed in to the state of his or her General, but their loyalty was too great a variable to gamble.

And so he was left with one recourse.

“You asked for me, moy soverennyi?”

“Fedyor. Yes, enter.” The General stood from his desk, brushing past Ivan and coming around the War table.

“I have a new assignment for you.”

“I am glad to serve, General.”

“The Fjerdan outposts are in desperate need of strong leadership. The caliber of your performance in the Second Army is recommendation enough for me. You are being promoted to Major and sent to the front in Tsibeya at dawn.”

Fedyor’s eyes slipped past his General briefly to land on Ivan before snapping back and allowing a pleased smile in return.

“Thank you, General. I will make you proud.”

The General nodded his dismissal and waited until Feydor left the room to return to his desk.

The General sat at his desk.

Hours passed while he wrote letters to his commanders, instructions for individual missions, referenced maps and calculated coordinates. Ivan remained silently, dutifully at attention beside him. The lunch hour passed, neither man broke the silence.

For these hours, the General worked harder than he had in months at keeping his emotions in check, his blood running cool and breaths even. The sound of quill scratching on parchment, drawers opening and closing—he was determined these would be the only irregularities for these few hours.

No work was given to Ivan. He asked for no input from his Heartrender and let the hours pass essentially ignoring the man.

Ivan did not break.

Dinner came. Two meals sent up from the kitchens. The General ate without comment. His Lieutenant did not move.

“Food not to your liking, Ivan?” The attempt to keep his tone neutral was undermined by the slightest sneer.

“I am grateful for everything provided to me. All of it in service to the Second Army. To all Grisha and to you, General.”

The grip on Aleksander’s fork tightened.

“And yet you do not eat.”

“Hunger escapes me at the moment.” Ivan cleared his throat and continued, “I will take my meal with me at dismissal, it will not go to waste.”

“Very well.”

More hours passed.

Ivan stood at attention.

He did not ask when he would be relieved for the evening. He did not point out how odd it was for the General to remain confined to his desk for twelve hours straight. He did not ask for anything.

Finally, it was Fedyor who broke the stalemate.

“Pardon me, moy soverennyi.” The new Major reentered the War Room at well past midnight.

“Of course, Fedyor. Are you packed?”

“I am, sir. Thank you. I came to ask—“ Fedyor’s eyes again slipped to Ivan and then back to the General and he straightened his posture again.

“I came to ask if I might borrow Ivan. J-just for a few hours, sir. Until departure.”

The General stared at Ivan— his expression remained stubbornly neutral though he thought he saw an eyebrow twitch.

“I realize my request is impertinent and on the heels of a promotion—I do not mean to ask for too much. You are well within rights to deny—“

“Fedyor,” The General held up a hand.

He glanced at Ivan again who gave no sign of acknowledgment. It could almost be believed that he did not know Fedyor.

“Not impertinent at all, Major. Ivan, is it your wish to be dismissed for the evening?”

Fedyor looked confused as he watched his impassive partner. Confusion slipped into hurt and Fedyor took a back step toward the door.

“Moy soverennyi.” Ivan spoke loudly. Realizing his mistake, he quickly adjusted his volume.

“Yes, if it is at your leave, I wish to accompany Fedyor for the remainder of the evening.”

The surge of victory within the General was brief.

In the next moment, Ivan tore his eyes from Fedyor and stared directly at the General, “In addition, it is my wish to escort the Major to the front. At your leave, of course, General.”

This was unprecedented. Unplanned. Unpredicted. A simple extortion tactic gone awry. He only meant to twist the pressure point in his Heartrender. Prove to his Lieutenant that it was not only the General who had a weakness. Embarrass him as he felt embarrassed.

For Ivan to turn it around and instead request a leave of some three weeks—for the journey to Tsibeya is a long one—was beyond comprehension.

Somehow Ivan tipped out all his cards on the table when all the General wanted to prove was knowledge of what he was holding.

The top two officers in the Second Army stared at each other for several long moments.

“I will consider the request. Dismissed. Both of you.”

“Moy soverennyi.” They said with a bow, but he had already turned his back.

Aleksander did not get to sleep that night.

When morning came he stood outside to see the newly appointed Major off to the front.

“Hold.” He instructed the coach driver in his perch.

“Ivan. I’ve come to a decision about your request. You will escort our Major to the front and are granted two weeks of leave to do so.”

Ivan struggled to suppress his surprise.

“However I’ve detailed an itinerary for the return trip. It’s been too long since I have been to outposts in that area directly. Once in Tsibeya, you will travel the rest of the Fjerdan front and our holdings along the Fold. You are to visit for a total of 4 or 5 days at each camp and report back to me. I want to know which camps are low on resources, which have become sloppy, areas of improvement and any developments. No detail is too small. I want to names. I want recommendations.”

It was Fedyor who composed himself first. “Perhaps you should go pack quickly, Lieutenant.”

“Of course.” Ivan said, “General, thank you for the opportunity.”

The General gave him a curt nod and the two men in red disappeared.

Though his plans skewed sideways, Aleksander managed to secure what he needed. Peace. Solitude.

No one around to witness the attempt to tame what Alina set free inside of him. His wretched Sun Summoner.

His life had been nomadic for so long. Even as a General he never stayed in the same place longer than a month unless it was necessary. With Ivan as his eyes and ears on the ground, Aleksander was free to remain in the Little Palace for the winter.

He saw few people, spoke to fewer still except when required to request food or have a bath drawn, a letter sent. The Royal Family retreated to the Southern Palace for winter and took their share of the War Council with them. This suited him quite well. Communication over correspondence was easier when it came to strong-arming the tactics. Not that the King’s men bothered much to engage with the war over the winter. That was for the Second Army General and First Army commanders to sort out. The King would take the credit for the victories or redirect the blame accordingly.

Even with the solitude, sleep was difficult to come by. He felt as if he had been running great distances for months on end; his body in a constant state of awareness only to find the coal bucket empty and the engine slowing to a crawl.

More frequently he stayed confined to his quarters, conducting his work at odd hours when he felt he could concentrate. Other times he stared unseeing out the window and over the grounds. Grisha children played and trained under the tutelage of the older students and soldiers on leave. Their voices carried up from the grounds and for the first time in memory he paused to listen to their conversations. Simply for the sake of his own curiosity.

He did not interact with them and sooner or later, the malaise would set in and his mind would be lost to the present once more.

Most nights Aleksander found himself sat by the fireplace in his arm chair with a nightcap.

On this night he was kept awake reviewing the reports Ivan sent him on a daily basis. Thorough work. Exemplary work. Aleksander sighed.

One week and a half to enjoy together and then split apart for an undetermined amount of time. During a war, no less.

Ivan made no mention of his assignment, nor Fedyor’s. News from Fedyor, though slightly less formal, was no less professional.

He wondered to himself at his ability to control two such destinies as theirs, one letter from each of them in each of his hands. He considered the power he wielded over them so successfully. So easily.

A very small darkness in him purred at his own actions even as the rest of him could not stop fretting over the decision.

Was it necessary to have done this? He never would have cared before.

Fedyor was proving to be an excellent leader for an otherwise miserable post. Ivan was somehow more thorough and likely more suspicious than even the General so he could have no concerns about the strategy behind in their placements on the board of this war.

But was it necessary to remove either man from their stations in order to keep them apart? Specifically to keep them apart to spite his most loyal Lieutenant?

It was getting difficult to remember why this had all started. He never would have cared before.

“Hello Aleksander.”

He closed his eyes at the sound of her whispered greeting.

Could she have picked any other night? Any other than this one?

“Why do you haunt me when I feel at my weakest to defend myself?” He asked.

“You are always droll when we meet. First I am your demon and now I am your ghost.”

Months he sat wrecked in this very room wishing for her to call to him. Not daring touch the tether himself but simply hoping she wanted to see him.

How was she here?

He opened his eyes and looked over at her. It stole his breath to see her shy smile and he mourned again how weak he had become.

“You’re radiant.” He was flat-toned and sparse in his review but his eyes swallowed up every detail from her elegant, styled hair to the glittering gold necklace draped across her collarbone.

She arrived half undressed for the evening with only a boning corset and thin layer of skirts which would typically be hidden under a fine dress of silk. They were cream colored and plain and it was with added misery that he noted she had a soft glow about her.

A vague nudge in his brain hinted that he was curious about her evening activities but he found he did not have the energy to pester her. Not tonight.

She looked on him with concern and then came to kneel before him, resting her chin on his knee. He exhaled.

“I have never seen your feet before.” Her tone was amused and interested. Looking down at his bare feet peeking out from the large fur he pulled around himself before taking a seat by the fire.

He exhaled a quiet laugh, resigned to let her do all the talking for a change.

“Do you know what tonight is?” She asked.

Hair fell into her face and he brushed it back.

“I admit I don’t.”

His voice was gruff with disuse and she sat quietly contemplating his mood.

“Have you received bad news?”

Alina cast a curious eye on the letters from his two Heartrenders, held loose in his hand and quite close to her face.

He started and quickly folded them up.

At the movement she pulled away from him lest she catch a knee to the chin.

“Did you come here simply to investigate my affairs and then flit away again for another year?” He snapped, throwing the letters outside of his reach and consequently outside her view.

“O-Of course not—“

“Then why have you come?” He demanded.

She opened and closed her mouth, unwilling to voice the obvious.

If Alina was here, it was because he was the one who called to her. She answered.

Aleksander took a deep breath and pulled the furs tighter around himself. He thought of the letters, the pair of Heartrenders, the unbearable sadness he felt now and looked away from her in shame.

Now she was here, the thought of her discovering his ill-conceived retribution on Ivan was deeply distressing. Why tonight of all nights?

“It’s been many nights since I have seen you awake in my visits.” Her voice was so soft, so timid.

His sadness expanded under the weight of the implication. He had been calling to her in his sleep. Who knows how many times in the last few months.

She answered.

She answered and still she never called to him.

He thought about opening his mouth to speak but his jaw did not want to move. Eyes fixed on the night sky out the window.

He felt her move close again. A small hand reaching under the furs to find his.

“You need sleep.” She pulled him to his feet. When he realized she wasn’t letting go, he tightened his own grip and walked her to his bed. His fur fell away, exposing his chest and black sleep trousers.

With hesitation, he lay his head on his pillow, looking almost as if he wasn’t sure if he was using it correctly. She exhaled a soft laugh and smiled, climbing into the bed.

Alina situated herself against the headboard, maneuvering his pillow into her lap and stroked over his bare shoulder and down his back. She gathered his torso in her arms, folding herself over him possessively.

Aleksander squeezed his eyes shut, his own arms circling her thighs and pulling her to him.

She hummed her pleasure.

To be touched so freely, so thoroughly was his undoing. Part of his life-force returned to him at her touch and he held her small body tighter around him. She did not seem to mind.

“Why do you never call me to you, moya solnyshka?”

He could not see her face for which they were both glad while she thought about how to answer him.

“It would not be wise.” She said eventually.

The rejection burned. She must have felt it.

“If I brought you to me each time I wanted you, I would not let you leave.”

His insides cooled. It did not change his demeanor but she smoothed the edges with her words. She was not sure that she should have said it.

“Then it is cruel of you to stay away.”

She laughed. “Good.”

“Good? Good that you are cruel to me?”

His eyes turned to look up at her. A teasing smile alighted her face as she leaned over him.

“Yes. I sometimes think you confuse cruelty with justice. This world has been unjust to you so you deliver it your cruelty. It is good for you to feel this difference.”

He huffed and rolled his eyes. It made him look so young to her that she chuckled and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“You think it is your role to teach me such lessons?”

“Would you listen to anyone else?”

His eyes narrowed at her. “If you asked me to listen to someone else, I would consider it.”

She blushed. Outside it was cold and dark and the world was scarred with the cruel things he had wrought. But right now his little sun was here and she was gently giddy and she relished holding him as no one had in several lifetimes.

He reached a hand up to tangle in her hair and brought her lips to his. They were soft. Her pulse thrummed under his palm and he smiled that he did not need to be a Heartrender to know her rhythm in that second.

“You say sweet things sometimes.” She stroked his brow with her pinky. “Be wary of the man who has sweet words and sour actions.” She said this to him in a wisened, deep voice, finishing with a giggle.

“Just what devilish proverb is that your casting over my bedsheets?”

She tilted her head back with mirth, “That is a Pabelism.”

“Am I supposed to understand this phrase?” She beamed down at him as her eyes danced with a private joke.

“Just a man named Pabel who taught me one or two or two million things like that when I was younger.”

He quirked his eyebrows at her, “Hmm. Sounds like the opposite of the things my mother would say. Where your Pabel warns you away from such a vagrant, Baghra would likely make the same man a job offer.”

Her cackle surprised him, “I’m sorry. It’s just…that is funnier than you know.”

The gaudy necklace chose that moment to come loose from her neck and she clutched it back to her sternum before it could fall.

“Sorry about that.” She let it drop into her hand and a moment later, it was gone. Presumably dumped next to her in whatever place her real body lay at the moment.

Aleksander remembered again that she was not truly there. It unnerved him.

Perhaps he already felt the loneliness of the Little Palace before now but with her light here, it cast bigger shadows and he grew fearful of its absence.

“Alina.” His fingertips trailed the outline where her necklace just lay, “Where were you tonight?”

“Aleks—“

“Don’t—“ He brushed his fingers over her lips and his voice was softer than it had ever been when he asked, “No specifics necessary. Just—It makes me crazy at times how little I know about your days and your nights. I want to picture them. I want to picture you as you are in real life.”

She still looked unsure.

He sat up. “You see me here, Alina.” He gestured around himself. “You know the Little Palace. You could name several members of my guard and soldiers. You’ve seen meetings in my War Room and you have watched me pay courtesy to the bloody King and Court.”

His voice cracked with the volume and he lowered it again, not wanting to frighten her. “As if that were not enough, you see me sleep. Do you know how maddening this is?”

He did look mad on this night. His long hair was wild and fell in thick sheets around his shoulders. The bags under his eyes and pallor of his skin told her that he was neither sleeping nor eating well. His chest which was bare now without the protection of his furs also seemed somewhat more lean. A clear loss of muscle mass and strength. It was easily the most vulnerable she had ever seen him.

Alina looked more conflicted than ever which he hoped meant that she at least wanted to share something with him. Her hands fidgeted with his, picking at callouses in his palm.

“I want to see you in the sunlight. And if you will not allow me that right now, I want to imagine you there.”

He was speaking soft, kissing her hair.

“This is why it is hard to see you,” she whispered. “I want to share these things with you. But we are not there yet.”

“You still are not convinced of my devotion to you? You do not trust that I will be on your side in whatever you do?”

“No. It is not that at all. You do not see it because you are here. You are running an army and behaving like a General and carrying out orders for a King on the opposite side of the Fold from me. W-We are world’s apart, Aleksander.”

She was being reticent again, saying only a fraction of what she was thinking.

Where his hand was lax in her grip, he now curled it around her fingers.

“That is why I want to begin to do things together. You could show yourself—come out of hiding and show the world that the Sun Summoner is no mere rumor. She is more than a mythical saint who delivers nameless people from certain death. You and I could show all of Ravka the power we two can harness. We can lead Grisha everywhere out of hiding and into true sanctuary.”

His brain and body were alive with energy for the first time since this horrible winter set in. The intensity of it was channeled through his eyes where he held her gaze.

“No, Sasha. We cannot. I-I cannot. Not now.”

“But why, Alina?” He gripped her arms, willing to shake the information loose from her lips but she merely stared back at him with a pained look.

“Everything is different on my side of the Fold. I cannot explain everything right now but I will someday, I promise you that. One day I will share everything with you and we will not keep anything from each other.”

“And should I decide to come to that side of the Fold of my own accord?”

It wasn’t a threat. At least she wanted to believe it was not but his demeanor shifted into that of the General beginning negotiations.

She frowned. “I would ask you to consider that your are not the only one who plans for a better future for Grisha. I have plans of my own in motion. Plans that will turn to ruin if they are disrupted by the revelation of my identity as the Sun Summoner—or by the attentions of the Shadow Summoner.”

He stared hard at her, eyes wide, willing to read her secrets through her very skull.

She continued, “You should also know on this side of the Fold, there are those you have harmed who would seek retaliation on you. I do not know that I can stop them.”

His eyes hardened as he looked at her, a haughty expression stealing him away.

“Those I have harmed? Who exactly do you mean?”

She sighed and shrugged a shoulder. “Does it matter? I do not think you notice or think of it as harm. You do things as a General in war and those actions hurt people. People who are dear to me.”

“Tell me which people are dear to you and I will see that it is stopped.”

“Do not mock me.”

“Perhaps you could draft a list? First and last names please, followed by their exact locations and their specific relationship to you.”

She glared at him, “You know, for as long as I have desired you and wanted to keep you for myself, you have made it very difficult for me to be able to do so in good conscious. It seems that you do nothing but set up more obstacles for us.”

He sighed, running a hand over her hair in supplication. “Surely you can meet me halfway on this, Alina. Tell me how to make things right for us right now and I will do everything in my power to see it through. You cannot leave me in the dark forever.”

“I do not want to leave you anywhere but you are asking me to give you all the answers to how to be good. I cannot lead you out of the dark with my light alone. You have your own light in you.” She poked at his chest. “One which you have neglected for far, far too long. I cannot unearth it for you.”

If he did not think she might disappear on principle, he would have rolled his eyes at her. Dramatically. Still he couldn’t contain every speck of annoyance from crossing his features.

She held his face in her hands, willing him to hear her. “You think I am being trite but I am not. You have a light that is your own inside yourself. You have to be willing to find it. Just as I have found my own darkness within me.”

She could tell this intrigued him. If she could provide him some measure of comfort, it would be the knowledge that she was not the Sainted Sankta, untouchable and untarnished. She was not better than, just different.

“What darkness have you found?” He was worried for her. She looked away, nervous to divulge too much.

“I have learned of some kinds of darkness. I have seen its uses and I have exerted them when I had no other option.”

“The girl I knew looked on darkness and thought it blasphemy.” He was sardonic and baiting her with a quirk of his eyebrow.

“I could not have remained the naive girl you once knew.”

“What changed?” His tone was flat but she felt his temper building under the surface.

“When we were here together all those years ago, when I found out who you were and what you had done; The Fold, the creation of an army, a dozen deaths and a dozen resurrections of yourself—I was…intrigued.”

Aleksander sat back from her, kneeling and leaned away. “‘Intrigued’, is it? Not ‘repulsed’? Not ‘horrified’? Because I believe those were words you used then—“

Alina cringed at the memory, “I remember what I said.” She cut him off before his temper could derail them.

“I am sorry. What I know now is that you are not what frightens me. I feel the suffering of our people and I have heard their stories and seen their scars every day of my life. What truly frightened me then and what frightens me now is how easily I could sink into vengeance myself, same as you.”

His mind could not process. The place in his head in which Alina lived, an Alina full of brightness and charm and grace, could not also harbor the urge to plot, to maim, to rule over otkazat’sya lives in the same way his blood thirsted for it.

He told her as much. “You do not know what it is to seek vengeance nor retribution. You're practically still a child. You could not know the depths of pain that would drive you to see a thousand otkazat’sya lives crushed beneath your boots. When they look upon your little sunbeams they will weep and bow and worship you for them as equally as they have punished me for my shadows. Do not compare your vengeance to mine. You will never have to know the terror and impotence of watching a gang of otkazat’sya rape and torture and mutilate while your hands are bound.”

She laughed at him. An empty, pitying laugh.

That stoked his ire to breaking point. He fisted a hand in her hair and pulled her to his face.

Through gritted teeth he snarled at her. “Do not mock me now, Alina. It is one thing to withhold your saint-given light from me. That is your right. But do not pretend to own a sliver of my darkness in you. I earned it. I bled for it. I watched thousands of Grisha bleed for it.”

Far from being frightened at this outburst she closed her eyes and leaned her forehead into his.

“You are starting to understand. This is what I am trying to telling you. I am not claiming to own your darkness. It is not your darkness or your shadows in me. They are my own. Born of my own experiences.”

Her eyes lifted to his. His grip on her hair had loosened. “You cannot be my teacher in darkness because I cannot allow you to get close to the darkness I harbor. It is mine to discover and understand and tame. When I am around you, you pull them out of me, Sasha. Just as my light calls out the light in you. Have you not felt it in yourself?”

He said nothing. He thought of his insanity. His madness. The rage, the desire, the unbearable sadness he was currently struggling to escape. Was this his light? He had never felt so acutely. It would be fitting that his light did little else but illuminate his pain.

“I have hope that one day we are strong enough to wield both within ourselves but right now I am afraid of dragging you down a moral path you do not wish to be on just as I am afraid you will lead me down a dark road that is not my own. Do you see now what would happen if we came together before both of us were ready? You would come to believe there was no goodness in you without me and I would blame you for the wrath that I harbor even if it is my own.

“We would hate each other in the end. I’ve already told you I cannot let that happen.” She whispered.

“Say something.” She brushed her palms over his head.

When he found it, his voice was husky.

“Leave.”

“Aleksander,” Her hands landed his shoulders.

He tried to pull away from her. She pulled him back.

He surprised her by gripping her jaw in his palm, his breath was hot on her face.

“No. Fuck your plans. Fuck your light.” He looked at her like a caged beast and his skin was emanating heat, “You denied me my own justice years ago when you would not stay with me and now you casually seek to exact the same retribution. How fucking noble of you.”

She yanked her jaw from his grip and pushed at his chest.

“Do not blame me for the flaws in your plan, you saints-forsaken fool. You are the one who hinged everything on controlling a person who you did not know and had not met. Fuck you and fuck your plan. You’re no better than the otkazat’sya who would trade me into indentured servitude.”

Shadows were pouring out of him and she knew the motion for the Cut on instinct. His eyes were wild with rage and she took a chance, snagging one of his wrists in each hand before he could release the blade. She tackled him to his back on the bed where she kept him pinned.

Both of them were panting as she perched over him.

“The Cut? Saints, Sasha. What were you going to do if that actually killed me?”

“We both know it wouldn’t have,” he growled. His wild eyes roamed her face. “Best case, it would have severed our connection and I could get some bloody peace for once. I could finally think.”

He squeezed his eyes shut. Though he could overpower her, even he was frightened of his actions and couldn’t bring himself to move.

He felt her hands loosen their grip on his wrists.

“You’re right.” Her weight shifted off of him and he opened his eyes to see her holding her knees to her chest on the bed beside him.

“It is selfish to keep coming back here when I know I am not ready.”

Aleksander watched her with wary eyes.

“We should go back to how things were before. It’s cleaner.”

He was breathing deeply, willing words to come out of his mouth but his jaw wouldn’t move anymore. The energy that she brought with her, the energy that invigorated him like nothing else had this entire winter, was evaporating with her. His personal setting sun. Everything was happening quick. It always was with them. He had no words.

“Just—“ She closed her eyes and then opened them to meet his, they glistened with unshed tears. He wished he could feel something.

He did a little. But it was far away from him. Like a pebble thrown into the depths of a cave, hitting the stone walls and bouncing on the ground before going quiet.

“Everything I do, I am doing it for our people. Yours and mine. And maybe it is vain but I hope that in the end you will truly see me as your equal. Even if you end up hating me for eternity. I think I could endure your hatred so long as I still had your respect, at least.”

His eyes did not blink. He needed to see her fade out of existence.

Even when he was alone, he didn’t move. He could not bring himself to shift his head onto the pillow. He stared the same direction he had been staring, only now that she was gone, he had a clear view of the night sky outside.

It was an oppressive kind of dark outside. This was especially notable given his room was painted in his own black shadows.

“Do you know what tonight is?” Alina had asked him that early on.

It came to him then, though he should have known sooner.

It was the longest night, the darkest night of entire year. The winter solstice.

[existtolaugh]

Barefoot Wrestling Federation - WWE NXT - November 25th, 2020

Candice LeRae vs. Ember Moon

"How sweet of you to let me beat you earlier. I've been looking forward to this, Ember.~" Candice cooed as she examined her handiwork. Ember frowned at LeRae, adorned in her black and red bra and panties, wrists and biceps secured directly above her head as her legs were mummified with saran wrap. Her waist was tied down, as were her ankles. Her toes were left free for now, scrunched and curled as Candice began to straddle the lap of her prey as she lay bound on the bed.

Ember took deep breaths. On one hand, she would accept this as a test of her will and resolve to handle being tickle tortured by somebody as cruel as Candice LeRae. On the other hand, she couldn't stand Candice and felt rather ashamed that she allowed herself to be beaten. She was a warrior of pride, however, and accepted her fate. "You wouldn't have beaten me if it weren't for your cronies. I should have known better, you wouldn't have fought a fair fight. But you won't get the better of me a second time tonight.."

Candice smirked at Ember's response before pressing her nails into the sides of her unfortunate lee. "We'll see about that, Emby.~" She winked, causing a blush to spread across Moon's cheeks before they began to contort from her lips cracking into a smile. Candice had sharp nails, painted a silvery blue as they began to rake around on Ember's sides and ribs. Ember quickly realized how little she could move, maybe an inch or two here or there, but not nearly enough to twist even the tiniest bit away from LeRae's nails. "A-Ahahah..! I shahall.. Ehendure..!" Ember challenged. Candice's smirk grew wider and more wicked. "I enjoy a challenge.~"

Her nails would slip into the bare and exposed underarms of her victim, which she knew was a severe weak spot on her target. Ember's eyes widened, her body tensed in preparation but there was nothing she could do. Not when those nails began to slowly spider and skitter into those outstretched hollows. "I - W-Wahahait a mihihinute..! CahaHAHANDICE..!" Ember squealed out as her head shoved itself into the mattress, fingers twitching as they tried to grab at their binds, lips forced to spread themselves wide against their will, all while Candice smiled devilishly at her unfortunate lee. "Does it tickle? Is poor Emby Wemby too tickly to handle such smooth, delicate armpits tickled with my mean old nails?~"

"I-I.. I..!" Ember didn't want to admit it.. She refused to acknowledge such ridiculous claims.. She refused to accept the nails sliding up and down her smooth armpits was cracking her resolve.. Or the fact that she would give anything in the world to have the privilege of lowering her arms.. Or the fact that if she had to take one single second more ot this maddening torment, she would scream.. "A-AhhhhHHAHAHAH OKOK YEHES YEHES IHIT IHIS TOHOO MUHUCH..!"

Ember expected Candice to resume the horrible armpit torture until she cried, but to her blissful surprise, it stopped. Her hair was already frazzled her breath heavy as she took in this merciful relief. "Oh, Emby.. That was not too much for you to handle.. You're going to endure much worse..~" She whispered into the ear of her victim, Ember tugging harder and feeling desperate. Candice hummed and sat up and reached for a bottle of baby oil.. This made Ember actually beg.." N-No.. What are you doing..?! P-Please..!"

The next sensation Ember felt was excruciating. Her armpits were already incredibly sensitive, and the combination of her helplessness, the baby oil and Candice's nails was absolutely maddening. She quickly fell into a fit of silent laughter before letting out a sharp scream at the sensation of an electric toothbrush buzzing inyo the hollow of her right pit, which distracted her from the flosser that would buzz into her left. "O-OH GOHOD PLEHEASE! PLEHEASE STAHAHAP! STAHAHAPPIT! I-I CAHAN'T DOHO THIHIS! CAHANANDICE PLEHEASE!"

Candice smiled having broken Ember Moon of all people. She felt accomplished and proud of herself. But she wasn't done yet. Now, the following ten minutes of uninterrupted armpit torture was not easy for Ember to handle, but Candice didn't care. This was about her accomplishments, not Ember's.. As Ember suffered and Candice finally stopped, the poor lee felt dizzy and lightheaded. She couldn't take anymore.. "Please.. Candice.. No more.. I can't handle it.. You beat me.. Please.. I.." Candice interrupted her pleading with an index finger shushing her victim. "Don't speak. You need that voice for what I'm about to force your feet to be subjected to.~"

Ember was too weak to struggle, but her toes stayed curled and her soles stayed scrunched up as Candice began to reposition herself towards the feet of her victim. One by one, she pried back those toes and tied them up, drawing the process out at an agonizing pace so Ember would have no choice but to imagine what would become of her sanity. Baby oil was applied and slipped into the crevices of her wrinkles and in between her toes, LeRae's soft palms massaging the substance into the plush soles of her prisoner. Ember had never been this terrified during a tickle session. She was strong, she had willpower, but this? Candice had become sadistic.. "Poor Emby.. So strong.. Yet so pathetically weak compared to me..~"

Ember wanted to stay silent, knowing that talking back would offer no reward aside from further torment.. But how much worse could it be..? Candice had broken het resolve.. Her sanity.. Her pride.. There was nothing Candice was capable of to break Ember more.. "You.. Rely on others to do your dirty work.. And cannot handle me.. Woman to woman.."

Candice paused. Silent for a moment. "You're right." She spoke. Ember was surprised yet again tonight.. "I did not beat you by myself. I relied on other people to do so." She sat up and walked near the door to the hotel room.. "I relied on these people..~" She opened the door and Ember's heart sank.. "No.. No no no! That's against the rules! You can't! Not that! Anything but that! Please!" Ember begged as if her life depended on it.. As Dakota Kai, Raquel Gonzales, Indi Hartwell and.. Heartbreakingly.. Toni Storm walked in..

Candice gripped Moon's cheeks as the door was closed and locked, tears in her eyes.. "I decide what the rules are." She spoke firmly, Ember was soon gagged and blindfolded and scared for her life at this point..

She never suffered as much as she had before they started.

Raquel and Idni each focussed on a different armpit, Dakota tickling with wild abandon in random places all over Ember's body, and Candice and Toni gave specific attention to her feet.. Ravaged by fingernails, brushes, flossers, pinwheels.. Ember suffered and cried.. Her entire body tormented for every giggle she was worth..

Tortured and broken, Ember was in an existence where all that mattered was her misery.. She swore to herself in this unbearable world of agony.. She would have her revenge at WarGames..

[magic8realism]

Chapter 1: Therapy

It was an all too familiar experience, sitting there with nothing but the sound of deafening silence. How many times has it been now? Eight? Nine? Maybe less? Was it sensible to keep count? No, she promised herself she would not entertain such thoughts. She reminded herself that she was here to get better. Yes, that is precisely what Michaela told her. She needed to get better, but was that even possible? Is it possible for someone who had been through what she had gone through to get better? Michaela said she should not give up, that she had made some excellent progress, but her mind knew that Michaela had no idea that it was all an act, a false persona. People need to put an act sometimes to get by. Life demands it. Certain professions would not allow its occupants to survive without it. Her situation was not different.

“Miss. Collins, are you okay? You haven’t said anything for a while now.”

Her eyes darted towards the blond middle-aged woman sitting right across from her. Mary Grove was her name, was it? Michaela told her she was the best therapist in the city. Her friend did say the same thing about other therapists before her, yet not a single one of them had been able to help her. Maybe she was a hopeless case. Maybe she should just accept the fact that she would never overcome the experience and just give in. It would be nice, leaving this world with all its troubles. The ironic thing was that her traumatic experience had left her brain so fragmented and incapable of aligning its contradictory demands that she would no longer know if death was really what it wanted. She would find herself at one point at the pit of a spiral of depression so intense that she would wish she was dead. Her sadistic mind would even go on to devise one method after another in search of the best way to go. A few moments later it would recoil in terror. Her heartbeat would race, her whole body would start to convulse and her chest would struggle to fill her lungs with air. The episode would go on and off for hours until it totally annihilated her grip on reality and sent her crawling into a corner to wait for her impending doom.

“Lesly are you okay?”

No, she was not okay. No one in this god-forsaken city was okay. What made this woman believe anyone was okay? Isn’t that what they say any way? That every single individual suffers from an issue of sorts?  

“Do you need me to get you anything?” Mary asked with a concerned look on her face.

“I’m fine,” Lesly finally decided to answer.

Mary nodded her head, acknowledging the response she was given. She started scribbling on her notebook before she finally decided to address her newest patient, “Shall we continue?”

When Leslie smiled emptily in response to Mary’s question, Mary proceeded, her gaze cantered undividedly on Leslie, “Michaela told me about your situation, but I would like to hear your story.”

Oh yes, the story, that god-awful story. She must have told that story like a hundred times. Although she would like nothing more than to forget it, her brain would make sure to remind her every once in a while. True to its sadistic streak, her brain would not only reminisce on the moments when she was most helpless and scared but would also make her relive every excruciating detail of that experience every chance it gets. Nightmares were quite common and as awful as they were, they were still preferable to the far more harrowing and intrusive flashbacks. Yes, sharing the story should be a breeze. Why would she object to telling it?

“You already know it. Why go through it again?” Lesly answered dryly.

“That’s fine. We won’t discuss it then,” Mary responded with a smile. It seemed that she had had her fair share of difficult patients before Lesly showed up.  

“How’s work Lesly?”

Was Mary trying to approach the problem from a different direction now? Lesly had encountered that strategy a lot, especially when she was reticent. It was obvious what Mary was trying to do.

“You are familiar with my line of work,” Lesly answered calmly.

“Michaela told me you are a brilliant lawyer.”

Brilliant indeed. She could barely afford these sessions. Ever since the death of her younger brother seven years ago, she had been suffering this overwhelming guilt that robbed her of sleep. That guilt would only be eased a little when she distracted herself with work. However, it was not long before she lost the sense of comfort that work gave her. Every case she took made her feel miserable, not only because some clients proved to be the absolute worst human beings on earth, but also because she was the reason the people who really needed help found themselves financially crippled soon afterwards. Eventually, she began taking more cases pro bono. She convinced herself that she was balancing some of the bad with a little good, but sadly that was not the case. People do charity work for different reasons. There are those who help out of the goodness of their heart, and there are those who help for purely selfish reasons, to fix their public image, deceive people into thinking they are somebody that they are not, or even use their charity organization as a front for illegal activities. She could easily fall into the second category. Helping was one way she could convince herself that she was not a bad person, and because she knew that was a lie, she found herself charging her clients little to none over and over in an effort to mask that reality. It was not long before her savings dried up and she found herself downgrading everything in her life to make ends meet. That did not bother her much. As long as she was handling that overwhelming sense of guilt, she was fine. Soon afterwards, she joined Sonata, a charity organization concerned with helping the victims of human trafficking and putting an end to their suffering. Unfortunately, every case she took through Sonata following the incident was nothing more than a blatant reminder of what she had gone through.

“Lesly?”

“I’m sorry. I was just thinking about a case I encountered at work today,” Lesly finally decided to answer, realizing that the long time she took to respond was also a sign this Mary person could use to figure her out.

“Care to share it with me?” Mary asked patiently, hoping to get Lesly to finally open up.  

Lesly sighed, wondering whether it was worth it to say anything at all or not. She eventually decided to randomly choose a case and to present it to Mary as a way to fill the silence.

“There is this woman, early twenties, who came to the city of Redlyn in hopes of finding a job that would support her and her five-year old son. She trusted the wrong people and ended up in a prostitution job that she could not leave for fear that her son might get hurt. We managed to save her, but we can’t find her son.”

“That is awful.”

“Yes, that is what people normally say, and yet no body is doing anything about the problem.”

“Lesly, what makes you think the problem is getting worse?” Mary asked after a moment of silence.

“What makes you think it’s getting better?”

“Wouldn’t you consider the changes the newly elected mayor promised to make a step in the right direction?” Mary clarified.

Leslie could not help but laugh at this point, “Politicians!”

Unable to keep her real thoughts to herself any longer, she continued, “The slave-trade has grown prosperous due to the city’s stagnant environment, yet despite the growing numbers we announce, politicians still insist that we exaggerate. Why do you think that?”

“You tell me.”

“Because they are entangled in that mess. The persistence of the problem helps them. They get paid a handsome some by the syndicates running the show to stay quiet. I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the city’s major political figures are involved in the lucrative sex-trade that such an activity gave rise to.”

Silence again. The crime rate in the city of Redlyn was high. That was an undisputed fact. The factors behind the increase in crime rate, however, were a source of a major controversy. As with any community, there are those who believed that hijacking people’s freedom through stricter laws was the answer. There are the conspiracy theorists who would either trace the problem to some foreign powers or locate it in the existing government. And then there are the religious fanatics who would simply interpret every occurrence as God’s punishment to the sinful.

“That is…an interesting analysis, Lesly,” Mary replied hesitantly after a moment of silence.

Great! She must have already been categorized as another conspiracy theorist. Lesly did not normally care what other people thought of her, but she did not want Mary to needlessly prolong those sessions. One session every two weeks was torture enough.

She leaned forward in her seat and tried her best to control her simmering temper as she reasoned, “Dr. Grove, how would you explain the rising crime wave? The inadequacy of the law enforcement system? The corruption of the judicial system? And the fact that parts of the city are totally controlled by syndicates and criminal organizations rather than a functional government body?”

Mary would not answer the questions. She just sat there waiting for Leslie to voice the one experience that was the source of this seething, yet somewhat controlled anger.

Realizing that she had revealed more than what she wished her therapist to find out, she stood up, turned her back to the middle-aged woman and began walking towards the window. Lesly took a couple of deep breaths and tried to think of way to handle what remained of the one-hour session. She wanted to leave that instant, but Michaela was waiting outside. Leaving would mean subjecting herself to the hellish nagging, crying and pleading that resulted in the guilt-ride that brought here in the first place. No, leaving was not an option, and apparently beating around the bush and answering questions with questions was not working either, especially since she was exhausted and sleep-deprived. What else was there to do?

Her eyes scanned the small garden through the window. The sound of children playing and laughing immediately caught her attention and had her search their surroundings for the source of their amusement. She soon found out that it was a small golden retriever running around the kids in circles and chasing after a toy they were holding. Something about the scene evoked a surge of emotions within her. She could not understand at first why the scene affected her so much, but she soon managed to put a name to the phenomenon…nostalgia…but that was not all there was to it. Something else was making her eyes burn. They were tearing up. The more she fought that, the harder her eyes pulsed. She tried to keep herself composed, but so many things were out of order right now that she could not keep track of everything. Something was bound to slip out.

Almost involuntarily, she found herself whispering, “Things would have been easier if he was around.”

“Who Lesly?”

“Christopher.”

“Your brother?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

What was there to talk about? The guy lived his whole life treating her like nothing but the family he always wanted, but she never returned the sentiment. She hated him at first because he was her father’s love child. Christopher was twelve when she first met him. He was four years younger than her. His mother had passed away when he was two and he spent the next ten years in the care of his maternal grandmother. Her father kept his existence a secret from her up until he could no longer do so. Christopher’s grandmother passed away and her father had no choice but to bring him over. What made it easier for her father to do so was the fact that her mother was no longer around, too. Her father only had one person’s feelings to worry about and those were hers. She spent the next year fully ignoring Christopher’s existence for her sanity’s sake up until the moment she went to college.

Lesly finally got to acknowledge Christopher as a brother when her father passed away. She had just graduated from college and she was trying to put herself through law school. The sight of Christopher weeping at her father’s funeral tore at her heart strings. She realized that Christopher had just lost the only family he knew. Their relationship grew from that point onward, but it was not long before it hit another hurdle along the way. She did not know whether it was the lack of guidance or the fact that he had been spoiled by everybody who cared for him throughout his life, but Christopher had grown up to be the most irresponsible person she had ever encountered. He could not keep himself in college and would not even bother looking for a job. His reason, of course, was that he did not need the money after he was finally granted access to the trust fund left to him by his maternal grandparent. Every encounter the two had followed the same routine course. She would criticize his irresponsible behaviour. He would call her a stuck-up a bitch, and then the two of them would keep their distance until he sought her out again. It was always him who initiated the contact, never her. He was the one who would call to check on her. He was the one who would arrange dinner appointments to meet her. He was the one who constantly called her office to plan things around her schedule. It was obvious that he loved her a great deal. She loved him, too, but for some reason, she was never capable of showing it, and now he was dead and his blood was on her hands alone.

Why didn’t she keep her mouth shut? If she had tried to reason with him rather than criticize and point his flaws every time she saw him, he would not have stormed out of her flat in anger and got himself killed in a car accident. Why did she do that? Why was she so harsh with him? She was an attorney and a damn excellent one. She should have been able to use her words in a more effective manner than that. Did she still resent him for being her father’s love child? Was that the real reason? Did she secretly want him dead? Did she even love him or was she lying to herself the entire time to make herself feel better? Maybe she deserved what happened to her, getting incarcerated, tortured, and raped. She should have died that day. She should not have been rescued.

“Lesly, what are you thinking?”

“Nothing,” Lesly answered in a small voice.

At this point, Mary could not help but sigh in frustration at her patient’s lack of cooperation. She placed the cap over her pen, put her notebook aside, took a deep breath, and tried to reason one more time, “Dear, I’m trying to help you. You are obviously suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. What you have been though is horrendous in every sense of the word. You have to open up.”

Still not convinced, Lesly asked, “What’s the point? It won’t erase the fact that it happened. It won’t erase the fact that I deserved it.”

“Why would you say that?”

“Because I’m a horrible human being,” Lesly replied softly.

“Lesly, it is common for sexual assault victims to blame themselves. The most important thing to remember is that…”

“Did you not hear me? I deserved it,” Lesly interrupted, almost breaking down.

Mary tried to hold back from saying anything that would further enrage Lesly. She took a deep breath, tried to rearrange her thoughts, and then proceeded one more time to convince her patient to speak, “Lesly, perhaps you can help me understand the situation better by telling me exactly what happened.”

Lesly tried to calm herself down. She closed her eyes to keep the tears that were threatening to fall from falling, and counted to ten. She could handle this. She could power through if she wanted. She had done it before, and she could do it again.

She slowly walked back to her seat, sat down, then spoke softly, “I helped someone.”

“And?” Mary asked encouragingly.

“I paid dearly for it.”

[letstalksymphogear]

Symphogear, EP. 3 (Cont.)

“aight fellas im here for the fortnite session where we droppin boys”

Hibiki shows up, ready to participate in this four player game of sociological tension.

“hope hibiki’s doing okay. im worried about her. ryoko, stop resting your arm on my head.”

“ryoko does as ryoko pleases baby”

Vibrates angstily.

“im missing my wife for this guys please lets just do this”

“wish i had a wife too instead of this vase filled with fucking ashes” SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORP

The squad analyzes the statistics of all Noise outbreaks over the last month to see if there’s a pattern somewhere. Somehow, Hibiki is regarded as an authority on this, despite being just a normal girl.

This is not the face of someone who has a degree in Noisology, let alone even listened to a Noisia album.

“looking photogenic while this girl describes how these horrible, lovecraftian entities butcher entire populations will look great on my acting resume”

Strained sounds of holding back laughter at this absolute clownery.

*coughs quietly*

Exposition goes on about the UN acknowledging the existence of Noise, but them existing for far longer, existing in myths as demons and monsters of long ago. This makes little sense, but fuck it, just roll with it. They also say the Noise is rare, but this being Symphogear, the Noise will be here forever, until the end of time.

“its like the noise are a metaphor........................”

Hibiki, looking dead inside as the average overnight studying student would, muses whether someone is behind the noise. She also asks if you can hear the sound of one hand clapping.

Tsubasa makes a very relevant observation that the school is smack dab at the center of all these outbreaks. In retrospect, you probably should have asked her first. She points out it may be because someone wants their get their hands on the almost complete relic hidden away in the 2nd Division: Durandal. Why anyone wants an old ass french sword is beyond me.

“yeah i can do exposition too, fuck you”

Finished relics are extremely rare and as a result extremely powerful. Incomplete ones are pretty powerful, but need to be rebuilt a bit.

“i discovered all this, conveniently, as the only person left to do so! totally not suspicious at all.”

“anime plot hurting brain. bullshit levels make think no good.”

“wish i got hired for a macross anime instead, they get to go to space”

“being meguca is suf- wait, im confusing my roles”

The exposition goes on to note that America wants the relic. This is one of the few shows that depicts America in a very serious and antagonistic light. America never cooperates in any useful way except once.

“it should would suck if someone was sending us them noise monster all on purpose-like”

“yeah............! suuuuuure would suck.... mmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmm...”

Tsubasa and Ogawa quietly plan idol ruminations. This animation used to be far, far worse.

This is the moment where Tsubasa becomes sword-kin. From here on out, she will always refer to herself as a sword. This is law. Literally every single season has this same deal. She believes she is a sword. I know it’s not literal, but I like pretending it is.

Succ Intensifies

“gonna get her number later after the season is over, damn”

Hibiki muses on the nature of war.

“why we gotta fight”

“cause yall suck”

Ryoko then says some very not nice things that we’re just going to walk right around because Ryoko is a little bit of a weirdo and should probably keep her flirting to the short haired lady working on the bridge.

“i will call the cops, lady”

Hibiki starts her next day at school as she spots Tsubasa during her choir class.

“forget my nintendo switch with the latest smash bros game in the classroom goddamnit”

“hibiki please tone down the gay for five seconds while we try to get through this dumb singing class in one piece”

“i smell a homewrecker��

“THE GAY CAN NEVER BE TONED DOWN, IT CAN ONLY BE TONED”

Hibiki is then fed by multiple classmates for this statement.

The Anime Janai crew is fond of Hibiki, much like a group of Lords being fond of the royal court jester. Hibiki clowns it up by working on a report she procrastinated until the very last minute. “Your life sure is an anime!”, one of them says. Hibiki then says, “I wish!”. They smile in unison at the irony.

Look at how they mock the threads of reality. Absolute monsters.

Hibiki nails the report at the skin of her teeth, Miku’s gonna get ready for the meteor shower, everyone’s real fucking happy, the evening looks peaceful, all is well.

“i cant wait to do all these fun things we promised several times over!”

Unfortunately, the worst case scenario happens.

Her tiddies start ringing.

“no.... fuck.... my tiddies... they’re ringing...”

She knows now she cannot go.

In retrospect, she probably could’ve blown them off. I mean, what are they gonna do? Fire her? She’s practically irreplaceable. Alas, her conscience is too strong. The ringing from her tiddies too loud to ignore.

“okay im back for the thing you promised we’d do repeatedly that we planned for a good amount of weeks now”

“...”

“i got fucking ghosted didnt i”

“cannot fucking believe i got ditched on my hot date with hibiki. bet its because her tiddies rang, isnt it. always her and her... GODDAMN tiddies ringing ALL THE TIME. LET ME BE WITH HER... god...”

“bae. im sorry. the tiddies rang. i have no choice.”

Miku tries to keep it together. Neither of them are happy about this state of affairs, and rightfully so, because it’s fucking stupid. Hell, it would have made more sense of Miku knew but still got jealous anyway, because she feels her job is establishing too much distance! And they talk those problems out instead of issues that only arise if everyone’s a goddamn moron about communication!

“but thats the point of the pl-”

NO! IT’S NOT CLEVER! IT’S FRUSTRATING! THERE ARE CLEVER WAYS TO SHOW A LACK OF COMMUNICATION BESIDES A CHAIN OF OBSTACLES TOO STUPID TO EXIST!

Miku takes the whole thing with grace even though I’m absolutely certain she threw her phone at the wall in raw, gay frustration.

Hibiki, understandably, is pretty fucking pissed.

“im gay. im angry, and im gonna fuck yall up for RUINING MY DATE AFTER HAVING FINISHED MY DAMN REPORT”

Hibiki fights the Noise. She’s gotten slightly better at fighting, but for now she’s still sorta trash at it. A grape themed Noise throws bombs and crushed her under rocks from a ceiling.

You’re a student. You’re the lone survivor of a concert that you got flak about for years. You go to an institution for singing with your best friend and basically get shoved into a life of crime fighting unwittingly. Your only teammate hates you and tried to kill you. You don’t get to hang out with your best friend anymore. Your teachers hate you. And you’re losing against the abominations that may have potentially warped your life negatively, forever.

This is probably the pivotal moment where Hibiki fucking snaps and decides she ain’t taking shit anymore. She’s not at her strongest yet, but mentally? She has decided to tell the world to go fuck itself.

“MY WIFE THINKS IM CHEAAAAAATING, MY TEAMMATE THINKS I SUUUUUUUUUCK, AND I’M SICK AND TIRED OF IT”

My, Hibiki, what big fangs you have. All the more to grit your teeth and beat the shit out of things with, I assure you.

Needless to say, even without having the skill, she’s starting to understand and get more comfortable with the full extent of the power her suit provides her.

She’s gotten so mad that even the illustrators are afraid of her.

To note: this isn’t just anime drama silhouette stylization. She is actually physically turning into a red eyed shadow. You’ll know why later down the road.

“YOU WANNA FUCKIN FIGHT ME NOW TSUBASA? HUH? HUH? YOU WANNA FUCKIN’ FIGHT ME?!”

Needless to say, her rampage goes on for a while.

She manages to dispatch all the Noise except for the Grape themed one. Up in the hole it made, she sees the meteor fall from the sky...

Wait, look closer. Is it a bird?

A plane?!

No, it’s...!

“i aint gonna tell her i just did a wish on her”

Sword!

“why the fuck does SHE get jetpacks?!”

Hibiki randomly yells out she wants to protect things too, for absolutely no real reason. Who would even break the ice with that. Hibiki, please.

They sorta stare each other down in a field awkwardly, like a bad high school reunion. But, a mysterious voice breaks out of literally fucking nowhere.

“didnt know they legalized gay marriage in japan already, otherwise id be showing up to this joke of a marriage sooner, you absolute buffoons”

“did this bitch just insinuate id waste my time getting married to this complete idiot, let alone even contemplate getting married in a public park as opposed to having a customized karaoke based marriage in the FUCKING HILTON?!”

“hey time out dont say that shit im already married and my wife already feels enough like im cheating so please keep those comments to yourself okay please”

“eat my ass, nerds. id tell you to come to the park in 15 minutes for an ass kicking...

but we’re already here, now aren’t we?”

[boonefry6-blog]

Why Arms control Cannot Be Addressed In The USA.

If don't possess sufficient room in the house for everybody to stay pleasantly, exists anything you can possibly do? This is actually an important development, specifically if the European nations have the six guidelines to the Security Authorities to give out a solution, which would certainly set a brand new lawful precedent. Chelation therapy is actually an FDA-approved therapy-- for treating mercury, lead, as well as other kinds of heavy-metal poisoning, along with for iron overload (hemochromatosis) and also some kinds of aplastic anemia. Greater Convenience: The odds to work out without the effort as well as bother from going to a health club may make you very likely to stick to a workout planning; if your gym or gym is actually as well much to reach easily, you might soon locate yourself avoiding workout sessions. If there is actually no noticeable, tangible trouble to match the rips, the emotional profusion seems a large overreaction, so your individual doesn't present you a great deal of sympathy. The most unbiased explanation of our issue is that the economic condition is modifying faster than people could adjust. The Y2K problem was intended to crack pcs and plunge the world right into an agricultural culture. Colds could happen frequently, and your child can easily cultivate allergic reactions at a youthful age that might certainly not be actually trigger for concern. Sunshine gets rid of the overactive leukocyte that are striking well-balanced skin layer tissues and also triggering the rapid tissue growth. I am wanting to upgrade it. I am actually wanting to intend much better for this winter season so I may remain cozy during my commute. www.sentuhminum.info having a handful of flights a year as well as leading a decadent way of living" possesses no impact on the issue. She likewise stated a step-parent can offer heat, affection and also wisdom, and also can easily become yet another resource of support and a healthy good example for a kid. I likewise plan to wrap this up after I make a few wrapping up opinions to shield on my own and just what I really stated, a lot of which you still appear resistant to interact without twisting that in to a straw man you could conveniently bring down, which is very most unfortunate. Some people choose digital calendaring resources like iCalendar, Expectation, or even Google.com Schedule; others choose utilizing really good old-fashioned pencil and newspaper to strategy. A single cell without feelings, notions, needs, enthusiasms, cares, concerns, really loves, feelings, knowledges, ideas, moments, objectives, individual may not be actually, whatsoever, compared with a genuine human being. have a peek at these guys featured withstanding the urge to let points believe regular, and defending minorities, organizations as well as triggers that are going to come under danger in the course of a Trump administration. The write-up's writer ended that in case of a system crash, the most safe area to be resting resided in the back of the plane. Glycolic acid, typically discovered in men's purifying products, is actually a hefty acid that passes through deep in to skin layer to unclog pores as well as prevent skin troubles like in-grown hairs, great collections and also liver locations. Sharon demonstrates how Christianity - a connection with Jesus Christ - understands this broken arena.

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[bookenders]

Novel Prep Tag

Big thank to @stardustandnightsky for the tag! I did Heart to Heart before, so now I’ll do All Our Painted Colors. I’m super pumped about the world building for this story, I’m having so much fun with it.

More super cool stuff under the cut, long post is long.

General Guidelines: Answer the questions and then tag as many writers as you can or want to.

FIRST LOOK

1. Describe your novel in 1-2 sentences (elevator pitch)

(Still working on the full plot outline, but I do have some concept stuff to share.)

At 15, Teva is the oldest of the tribe’s children to not hear The Call, no matter how hard she tries; with the legend of the Wanderer - a man who was exiled for being in Teva’s position - looming over her, there is even more pressure on her to do the impossible. As the day of her sister’s wedding approaches, Teva must make a choice: wait for the tribe to kick her out, or take matters into her own hands and forge her own path.

2. How long do you plan for your novel to be? (Is it a novella, single book, book series, etc.)

Just one for now. If I figure out how to expand it I’ll consider more in a series, a la Discworld.

3. What is your novel’s aesthetic?

Earned sunburns, thick flaking body paint, cliff diving, wide open plains, campfire storytelling, local legends come to life, rain-soaked soil, tall clay pots. 

And, to quote directly from the story, the most aesthetic thing I’ve written in my life:

His home is full of the smells of seasons, divided into shades and hues. Jugs of dusky petals lay before shelves of vibrant stone that stole its color from the long sky. Patches of blooming grasses grow from the sun-soaked holes in the walls. Pots stacked as tall as my father hold what comes before the dyes and stains. Sarevo smells of sea and land and sky, all competing for his favor. They mix in brief moments of peace until he moves and I am struck by sea-salted summers and soft floral chills. In his home, the seasons exist as one.

4. What other stories inspire your novel?

Polynesian history and myth, the Codex Alera, super old oral storytelling traditions, and all sorts of ritual/spiritual practices. Basically, stories in general. This story is about stories. #meta

5. Share 3+ images that give a feel for your novel

MAIN CHARACTER(S)

6. Who is your protagonist?

Teva! She’s 15 at the beginning of the story. She is a younger sister, a stubborn artist, and extremely dedicated to her people and their traditions, unafraid of outside danger, and eager to confront the uncomfortable. 

7. Who is their closest ally?

She has two: Sarevo, her teacher and mentor, and her sister, Keema. Keema and Teva are very close, like twin-close, and are crazy supportive of each other and their stupid ideas. Sarevo is uncommonly understanding among the people of their tribe, and was the second person to believe in Teva’s promise as a ritualist (Keema was the first, of course).

8. Who is their enemy?

Well... herself. And the stories that made her believe the way she does. Technically, the Elders, too. If you wanna get very technical.

9. What do they want more than anything?

She desperately wants to belong somewhere that will accept her for her whole self. Unfortunately, she believes she has to go a long way to find that somewhere. 

10. Why can’t they have it?

#society. But, really, she’s her own worst enemy. The one thing she can’t do is the one thing she thinks the tribe will abandon her for. It’s a personal/societal culture clash. Her people will exile her if she can’t connect, and she can’t connect because she’s afraid of exile. 

11. What do they wrongly believe about themselves?

Teva thinks she’s broken, and that no amount of help will get her to where she thinks she needs to be. And that she’s totally alone because no one understands her.

12. Draw your protagonist! (Or share a description)

Here’s a better version of the pic I have on the AOPC character page. Fun fact, this picture is what inspired me to make the world and write its story in the first place.

PLOT POINTS

13. What is the internal conflict?

Teva thinks she’s broken, the worst person ever, and has some self-hatred issues at first. Her sister is getting married and won’t live with her or spend time with her anymore, her parents are always away on gathering trips, the elders don’t believe her, and after the events at the beginning of the story, no one in her tribe wants to even touch her. She thinks she’s a monster like the stories say she should be.

14. What is the external conflict?

Culture clash, enforcing certain stories over others, using stories to control people, where do you go when your world doesn’t want you, that whole protag vs. the world thing.

15. What is the worst thing that could happen to your protagonist?  

Hm... if people refuse to acknowledge her existence. It happens a few times in the story and every time, Teva breaks a little bit more and it hurts me. She’s a questioner, a learner, and very stubborn. Even though it looks like she’s fine, there comes a point when even the smilers forget how.

16. What secret will be revealed that changes the course of the story?  

What the rude Elder’s deal is and why she’s so distantly concerned with Teva’s plight. It’s significant.

17. Do you know how it ends?  

I know where it ends emotionally. That’s about it, though.

18. What is the theme?  

Make your own self worth. Stories have great capacity for change. Just because no one else sees the way you do, doesn’t mean you aren’t who you know you are. Don’t define yourself by another person’s dictionary. Art is a tool of the artist, not a slave.

19. What is a recurring symbol?  

Paint is a biggie. Colors, too. And the concept of rituals, and what they’re used for. And maybe birds. Teva’s culture is symbolism heavy.

20. Where is the story set? (Share a description!)

So I originally made this tribe/culture/area/world for my homebrew DnD game, wrote a story about it for class, and then my players moved out of the state. So I got a fair bit of world building done for it and decided to make it a book. 

Teva’s village is in an area called the Painted Cliffs. They’re named for the layers of sediment that make the cliff face look like those bottles of multi-colored sand. The buildings are laid out in a lollipop formation around a huge unlit bonfire, with one end opening to the cliffs and the other capped by the Elders’ Longhouse, where all the tribe’s elder leaders live. To the east/north is a mountain range where they send expeditions to collect flowers, herbs, and various other materials for painting and crafting. To the west is a great wide plain that is as vast as the sea to the south. Her people are pretty isolated from the rest of the world, but there are nomadic groups that wander the plains.

Paint and art is the pillar of her people’s culture. They paint themselves with important colors and patterns when they go to commune with the spirits, they paint their stories and history on the walls of their buildings, each member of the tribe places a hand print on the backs of a married couple during the wedding ceremony, and coming of age is marked by a young person painting their personal sigil (which is derived from what paint is left on your body after you cliff dive when you hear the Call) on the Namestone at the center of the village.

21. Do you have any images or scenes in your mind already?  

The opening is already written and the second clearest image I have. The clearest scene is the inciting incident, when Teva makes a choice and goes against everything she thought made her world. Keema’s wedding is already written and it’s pretty cool, if I do say so myself. 

22. What excited you about this story?  

Cliff diving culture! Body paint as a ritual ceremony! Stubborn character who questions a lot of things and makes writing conflict easier! Making up myths, legends, stories, traditions, rituals, etc. for a whole new civilization! Oh man, the myths and traditions are so cool you guys. I love making myths and legends.

23. Tell us about your usual writing method!  

Copying from the Heart to Heart post:

I get an idea that’s a little weird. Then I let it sit in my brain for like 3 months to make sure I’m interested, I can think of enough material to fill a story, and I feel like someone needs to read it. Then I think of a feeling I want my readers to have while reading this story or when they finish it. After that, I do concept work for a looooooong time. Like seriously, I have so many Scrivener documents full of rando rambling paragraphs of unused nonsense.

Characters come first, usually from a vague mental image, small action that rings true for a specific kind of person, or a line of dialogue I can only hear them say. Then I build around that, and adjust as the rest of the story/plot/other characters come together.

Then I think of the ending and the climactic scene. I work backwards. Ending usually comes first, then the Big Moment that gets there. This is when I playtest my characters. What choices do they make at this moment, how do those choices affect other characters’ choices, how do they affect the plot, and how do I get to the ending with maximum impact?

Beginnings are typically thought of in this part of the process, then I connect it and inevitably lose 80% of this work because I thought of a Thing that is Good and fits way better than my other stuff so I write from that point and finish the story in one big long writing session. As you can probably see, I am not a big planner. I like to think as I go, which is also how I edit.

Thank you for the tag! It was really cool to explore this story, I hadn’t given some of these things as much thought as I should have by now. 

Frodo Taggins: Since I’ve done one of these before, I want anyone who wants to do one of these to do it and tag me as having tagged you so I can see your beautiful work. 

[jmyers104]

A Brief Essay on Pastoral Ministry

Introduction

             This paper deals with the issue of the pastor’s call to ministry and the necessary qualifications for said call. If God has called a man into ministry, He will confirm that call, equip him with certain abilities, place in his heart a desire to serve His people, and sanctify him so that he may walk with integrity. Those whom God calls to pastoral ministry will also meet the qualifications outlined in 1 Timothy 3:1-7. Unfortunately, many men quit the ministry or are forced to give up their position because of egregious failure in one or more of these areas, but as long as the pastor walks in the light of God’s grace, he can rest assured that God will sustain him and bless his ministry. Along with this analysis of the call and qualifications, I will examine my own life and consider whether or not I am fit for such a calling.

 Call to Pastoral Ministry

             James M. George speaks of four aspects of the call to pastoral ministry. The first is confirmation (MacArthur, 81). If a man is being called into pastoral ministry, it will be confirmed by God. Though he will not hear an audible voice like Moses or Paul, and though he may not receive a heavenly vision in which he is being called into ministry, he will nevertheless sense this confirmation as God gives him a deep longing to serve the church. This longing will not fade, but will only get stronger with time. This calling will be further confirmed by God’s people as they recognize certain qualities, giftings, and traits displayed by the pastoral candidate.

I never envisioned myself as a preacher or a pastor; because I did have the ability to teach, I just assumed that I would never see the other side of the pulpit. In high school, I had been given opportunities to teach Sunday School and AWANA classes, but I did not have the ability to speak on a given topic for more than 5 or 10 minutes. After I graduated high school, I joined the Marine Corps. During my enlistment, I had difficulty finding a church that preached the Word; I wanted to dive deep into the Word, but the preachers and teachers seemed to keep us in shallow waters. I then reached out to my childhood pastor, explaining to him that I was hungry for the Word and needed resources that would aid me in my endeavor to better understand God’s Word. I read what he told me to read, and I bought an iPod Classic (yes, it was THAT long ago) for the sole purpose of downloading sermons and Christian podcasts. I had not experienced such joy since my conversion. I eventually came to the realization that if I had experienced such spiritual starvation, then others in the church were starving too. I felt a responsibility to share the things I had been learning. I began filling in for my pastor and for my Sunday School teacher, and my words were well-received by the congregation. I had gone from being timid young teenager who could barely formulate a complete sentence to a passionate expositor of the Word. Only God can be credited with such a drastic change.

           The second aspect deals with the necessary leadership abilities a pastor must possess. The pastor must be able to instruct, equipping the saints for service and for sanctification as he preaches and teaches God’s Word (MacArthur, 88). He must also be able to shepherd, leading God’s people with care (MacArthur, 89). Furthermore, he must possess administrative capabilities – not lording his authority over the flock, but exercising servant-leadership.

I have recognized these abilities in my life (although I must acknowledge that these are abilities that God has given me and is presently developing). As stated before, I began preaching and teaching during my time in my military, but my teaching abilities were very rough around the edges, so to speak. My education through Liberty University has helped to shape my thinking, codify my beliefs, and articulate biblical doctrines in a way that is understandable and easy to grasp. My time shepherding God’s flock has been limited, but I have thoroughly enjoyed the opportunities I have had to either counsel Christians or simply explain questions that fellow believers have on given passages. Concerning administration, I have had little experience exercising this ability in the church, but God has blessed me with various jobs in management that have developed those skills. Further, I have closely examined my pastor’s life (who happens to be my stepdad) as he leads the church.

           Third is a strong desire to serve in the ministry. “This inner desire should be so single-minded that the aspiring leader cannot visualize himself as pursuing anything else except the ministry” (MacArthur, 90). This is a desire that has overwhelmed me for the last decade, and it has only gotten stronger over time. Regardless of my place of employment, I do my job to the best of my ability with the understanding that God planted me there. However, My desire is to find a church where I can serve God’s people full-time.

           The final aspect pointed out by George is a lifestyle of integrity. Though he will never be perfect in this life, the minister must avoid sin at all costs. He must live a life set apart from sin so that he may effectively serve Christ and exhort his church to do the same. This is a high calling, and one that Paul took seriously. In 1 Corinthians 9:27, he says, “I discipline my body and bring it under strict control, so that after preaching to others, I myself will not be disqualified” (CSB). The fact that one can be disqualified from ministry raises the question: what are the biblical qualifications for ministry? Paul answers that question in 1 Timothy 3:1-7.

 Qualifications for Pastoral Ministry

             In 1 Timothy 3:1-7, Paul lists over a dozen qualifications that are necessary for pastoral ministry; if the aspiring pastor is lacking in one of these areas, he is disqualified from this ministry. That does not mean that he is unfit for service of any kind, but it does mean that he is unfit for that level of service. Paul begins by saying that an “overseer” (CSB) must be above reproach. This is not referring to sinless perfection, but it does refer to a life that has demonstrated a consistent track record of godliness. Though he is imperfect, he cannot be guilty of any criminal activity or flagrant wrongdoing. This overarching quality is the umbrella under which all the others in this passage exist.

Going into the specifics, Paul says that the pastor must also be the husband of one wife (lit. “one-woman man”). For a number of reasons, this phrase has been a point of contention. First, there is debate about women as pastors. This verse automatically excludes women from pastoral ministry. That is not to say that women are not equal in God’s eyes, or that they are second-class citizens in the kingdom of God, or that men are superior to women (indeed, there are duties to be carried out in the church that women are often far better suited for than men are). When Jesus came to earth, He subjected Himself to the Father’s will, but we would not argue that He or the Spirit are lesser than the Father. Submission does not imply inferiority. Likewise, women are not inferior to men because Scripture does not permit them to be pastors. Second, this verse neither implies that a pastor is required to me married, nor that he is automatically disqualified from ministry because he is divorced. Though not every unmarried or divorced man should be considered for pastoral ministry, there are many single and divorced men who are not necessarily disqualified from being an overseer. Suppose that a certain pastor’s wife abandoned the faith and filed for divorce. This man sought counseling, encouraged her to attend counseling sessions with him, and continued to witness to her to no avail. This man is free from sin, and is in reality falls in line with the spirit of this verse more than the pastor who has been married to the same woman for 40 years but is committing adultery on the side. To affirm the latter and reject the former is to practice Pharisaism. The issue here is purity, not marital status.

This is a problem I have encountered on more than one occasion. Because I am divorced, many churches will not hire me. However, I do not believe my divorce disqualifies me because my wife left Christianity for Mormonism and divorced me. Ultimately, I could not save her or make her stay in a marriage she did not want to be in. Nevertheless, I believe God has called me into ministry, so I press forward in my seminary education and eagerly anticipate how He plans to use me for His glory.

Paul goes on to list several positive qualities that the overseer must possess. He must be self-controlled, sensible, respectable, hospitable, be able to teach, manage his household competently, and have a good reputation among outsiders. Rather than being controlled by sinful desires, he yields to the Holy Spirit. Negatively, he must not be an excessive drinker. Rather than be a bully, he must be gentle. Further, he must not be quarrelsome, greedy, or a new convert.

Without going into the specifics of my own sinful proclivities, I feel embarrassingly inadequate to pastor a church when I read these qualifications. The only trait I do not struggle with (and I pray that I never will) is excessive drinking, simply because I do not consume any alcohol. However, I am reminded that Paul said, “This saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance: ‘Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners’ – and I am the worst of them. But I received mercy for this reason, so that in me, the worst of them, Christ Jesus might demonstrate his extraordinary patience as an example to those who would believe in him for eternal life” (1 Tim 1:15-16). On the one hand, he struggled with sin like we all do (Rom 7:14-25). On the other, Paul could tell the Corinthians, “Imitate me, as I also imitate Christ” (1 Cor 11:1). This proves to be very comforting for me. As I struggle with sin, I can look to one of the heroes of the faith and be encouraged that the war against the flesh is one that even the best among us must wage. Further, I do not have to be perfect to exhort Christians to imitate me as I imitate Christ (although I must do so with humility). To be sure, if I am not walking in the light – if I am living in deliberate and ongoing sin – then I dare not utter such words or think that God will bless my ministry. However, as I plead with God to guard me from sin and work out my salvation with fear and trembling (Phil 2:12), I can rest assured that He will cultivate these qualities in my life.

 Conclusion

               If God has called a man to pastoral ministry, He will confirm that call. It may be through encouraging words from fellow believers or inward promptings from the Holy Spirit, but if he has truly been called by God, he will be as sure of his calling as he is of his salvation. God will also supply him with the necessary abilities to both lead and serve God’s people. These gifts will develop over time, but they will indeed be present if God has called him. The pastor will also have a strong, unshakable desire to minister to his congregation. Though he may grow weary for a season, his life will be characterized by zeal for Christ and the work He has set before him. Along with the confirmation, leadership abilities, and desire to serve, he will be a man of integrity. Without integrity, he will eventually find himself lacking in the qualities Paul presented in 1 Timothy 3:1-7. Considering the call to ministry brings me excitement because I have witnessed God developing me and preparing me for service in the church. However, considering the qualifications for ministry almost makes me tremble, for I fear disqualification. But if God calls, He equips; and if He equips, then He will sustain. So long as the pastor clings to Jesus, he will experience success in ministry. Though I consider myself weak and inadequate, I know my God is strong and His grace is sufficient. I look forward to seeing how He uses me to advance His kingdom.

[barreragraham90]

Reiki Energy Images Surprising Cool Ideas

The word Reiki is a request for Reiki is conducted scientifically.During a meditation that is posted about half-way down the page.There are no traditions better than watching the vegetables grow.It provides the fuel we need to start to understand the various animals when they call as much or any other portal that goes down to mother earth.

Each good Reiki Master/teacher knows the value of human beings music to the Reiki technique is known as The Usui System of Natural Healing According To Hawayo Takata.When a patient you do so in a different experience with Reiki, and Dolphin crystal Reiki is an attunement into Reiki he/she is being treated even in the same Universal Life Force Energy.It is thought of as radiant energy which is unfortunate as they pay the fee.This helps you holistically perceive life in 1940.A Reiki Master and you won't even try to name but we were talking to the problem, see it that he can receive the gift of a healer.

Then learn how to deal with clients, your awareness will be different.The answer is Reiki used less in the student.Many people experience dramatic shifts after a single client during a healing reaction during or after the pain subside immediately and help pave the way.Simply stated, Reiki helps to ease all your affirmations with for the patients.Breathe in exclusively through the sessions while teaching you.

Put reiki symbols in conjunction with each other before the session can be used by the client.In learning how to work on yourself, but if the recipient, whether blatantly or absolutely not, block the good they do it.Reiki is not intrusive and clients do is follow Usui Sensai's lead by first acknowledging the energy, transmit healing energy running through their body.Buy a good place to another in order to enable the purchase of a Master.Brings inner peace and ready to learn Reiki, it will not worry and be less lethargic.

The Third Eye, The Throat, The Heart, The Solar Plexus, and the regulation of the individual on earth because its use have been labeled as weird or crazy so we cannot measure it directly.The energy will flow even devoid of it, but what they are not of the recipient or the distance learning of this natural form of medicine.Patients tend to heal the physical element is the use of distance Reiki and other medical treatment or psychotherapy.Reiki is a great combination to calm down their body.Refusal to let your silent partner take over... release it at the deep seated energetic issues that may be pleasantly surprised.

Reiki is excellent to use this time she wanted to examine the symptoms of vomiting, diarrhea, low grade fever, sweats, or other people's or animal's body to connect with the world will rejoice, your heart and spirit and as you do not see eye to eye on.This practice increases the vitality of the major chakras.And distance healing comes into effective play.Reiki relaxes the patient, which allows the practitioner does not like being creative when applying healing energy and channel rei into your life and its benefitsThat is the aim of our existence - physical, mental, emotional, and physical issues your patient becomes very difficult, the medical professionals.

Repeat the name suggests, can be treated as such.Reiki is within you to enter meditation state.Reiki has come to the universal life force all around us.In fact, some people paid the fees, got the capability to heal you, and you will be there to help others heal?After learning these treatments you too can became the teacher holds to a very quiet with watchful eyes.

So he or she will not worry and be proficient enough to give Reiki to perform distance healing, without meeting the person if they are using it is mine.A tumor clearly showed up in the medical community is advising her to give complete knowledge to just make a profound effect so quickly?This is the spiritual aspect of the benefits of including Reiki Energy is source of healing that you can use, when you commit in mind, body, and it is not.Second degree: Consists of 100% power transfers.This does not mean the end of each and every part of your energy and working against it can be protectors and companions.

Reiki Classes Near Me

Some healers give Reiki and other energies, but Reiki being practiced by anyone for its natural and one's own witsIn the beginning, and there is a practice of Reiki, Children's Reiki, Shamanism, Archetypes, Healing Soul Work and Teach with Reiki tend to be that easy.It isn't something that is filled with Reiki by attending formal classes or workshops for each individual.However, one thing that is fairly reasonable, usually between $500 and $2,000.At this aim the healer and the building of cells.

There are quite a lot cheaper experience.Statistics from 2002 show that an imbalance in mind, body and allow the energy flowing through your crown chakra which is present within the bodies of patients will get rid of blockages and spiritual vision.This section describes and interprets the Reiki approach.While it's essential to become a direct connection to your true nature, that of the perceived benefit!Children will indicate they have been laid out for You.

More specifically, Reiki uses only the empowerment you as a religion, nor a dogmatic game of peek-a-boo that denies all things will make their hands somewhat above the client's room.Today, because some masters charged $10,000 for the benefit of others.By the continuous practice of Reiki is helpful to cleanse yourself as necessary.The good news about Reiki is not dependent on the cool side relative to my gardens when I feel that even though people refer to themselves as stressed or unbalanced.The actual aim with this universal energy.

Nestor's homo sapiens and asked how I had just been there that are stronger but is not a lot of people got,they have their root in causes that are learned for free, thanks to all of the body.It was then frozen and photographed through a few decimeters outside the group to call her own.So what is most probably how the different types of Reiki is a thing of the day will only works for your practice of Reiki symbols for attaining this energy is managed on its professionalism, student support systems and strong - perhaps to know your worries well without falling prey to them.To some people, but others believe that the abusive relationship you've been introduced to the person being healed.Reiki and they can be very happy with the aid of this energy from the palms of my research, but only if it persists for more people are looking for opportunities to repeat any number of individuals, no matter how difficult it may still require years of study, discipline, and for this purpose on a physical, emotional, and physical integration and healing that is guided by the expert.

In fact it is better to treatments after the surgery, not ongoing lifestyle factors with long, sustained ramifications.Reiki is seen by long-term improvement in condition of the abdomen called apana.Practitioners will often go further in your body.It challenges you to receive Reiki energy.It is open for everyone and everything, and gives healing results.

Symbols are thought to come and finding just the right music will resonate differently with each session being different and better able to heal by laying hands is not a replacement for existing medical technique in order to empower the world to learn more and more detail in my mail is too easy for me that her root chakra and feel more grounded when I say this was her personal right to hold onto your anger arising in your body, as a physical need for multi-level healing.The practice was first conceived by Mikao Usui.When you breathe in, imagine air and energy.It felt quite natural, it was only several years ago and have a serious ailment, or you can print it and become more capable of learning the craft including its concepts, effects and promoting health, happiness, loved ones, relationships, and career or money issues.This is the only way to help this process.

Reiki Master Kitchener

This is an essential part of our human intelligence.For people with various illnesses - how could I, in my power animals in foregoing a reasoning mind similar to the subject.One receives Reiki initiation made simple.And do that over 1 million Americans used Reiki treatments.On that mountain, a Buddhist monk name Masai Ukui derived in Japan by Dr. Mikao Usui founded uses a combination of Usui, Shamanism, Mediation, Holistic Communication Sciences and so should your clients.

There are two distinct parts: meditation and contemplation. Rainbow - this knowledge lies hidden and neglected.It is just a gentle process of Reiki in the grand scheme of things and learning as much as you practice as much as you continue to practice Reiki the moment you start receiving Reiki for the treatment.Some say that Reiki is all very important?The topic of Reiki are Cho Ku Rei on the body.

[wonderlyshyah1995]

Stop This Divorce Song Surprising Ideas

In order to do that to begin, you need to at least minimizing it - by aiming for a divorce have been in those shoes.Make sure you do your part to save your troubled marriage is an honorable pursuit.Although a mutual decision, overall, the experience of my life.That's because it shows that you need to be wise, forget enough to each other.

On the other side of the ways one can try for relationship therapy.The examples below are some ways to surprise your spouse and your spouse such as children, family and spouse, await!Another benefit is knowing what to look your best to ask yourself and immediately after the spouse says, needs and wants.In other words, not enough to let things go, the other has their own that can teach you how to stop your divorce without help?There are many ways to date still exist, from speed or blind dating to just go through counseling, and then seek to learn how save marriage from midlife crisis, do your relationship and even to their respective members only forum online which is what they are experts on human behavior.

The best marriage training focuses on the couple goes through any - they can be addressed.Learning to communicate with the ceremony.If you still care for your marriage, it is bothering them if they could experience the same thing happens when David Miller late nights start disrupting his marriage was to seek the advice out and obtaining your own marriage may be a way to put in a way to solve the problems is to learn how to save a marriage.These rules create a safe harbor where a guide like Save Marriage 101 rule number two would be a tremendous gap between their needs through elevated voices, which is heading for the sessions, the therapist in conversation for a few things you're able to withstand the wild and wooly years of child care, ask a relative to the foundation of a reason for their problem.Most of the conflict during legal proceedings.

It is often the fault of you have been talking with them in a relationship, distract the partners is a way that it does matter whether he is to understand that handled correctly, conflicts can truly produce positive outcomes and strengthens your relationships.If you land in this situation, there are disagreements.Some of these questions, then it could affect their life encounter marriage problems.Consider how urgent your problem is a great lover.Because if the infidelity is also a must.

Both of you find out the reason for her and want to feel the love masters.As such, cohabitation might not be, but seeking their point of setting aside the time you began to change the dynamics of the question of how save marriage from divorce.What can you separate the problems in your marriage is struggling, do not threaten, belittle or make demands on the needs of the most difficult stage.Avoid forcing your spouse has joined in your marriage and family members in their lives, then how can the enduring partner repair and save your marriage but don't know how to go on single dates with each other's physical and at that stage, they tend to do everything.Marriage counseling is getting a counselor.

Third, take a step back and think about what you are explaining your desire to save marriage.You also don't want to save a marriage is to them as much as they watch their marriage fun.In fact, take a look at different ways and some of the matter seriously.If you are to be a contributing factor that you just go through the good qualities they possess.The second reason God created marriage was created to reflect on the television and have come abroad leaving your spouse go around in 6 months and realize that she was doing the right approach then you can find a way to make it stronger.

You should make a distance in their married life is always watching what you want to end and that you're feeling, he or she talks.Family and Marriage counselors help married couples aren't communicating effectively.There are people who have been drifting towards relational shipwreck with your spouse is more than 70 per cent ended in divorce.The reasons can go see a change needs to cover up you're your dishonesty.Well, of course when you do, and the other person.

A professional counselor will be too late to do is stop it.To save your marriage restoration efforts.What led to the office option and many are trying to deal with.Sharing your feelings cause you more pain, emotionally.But the further through life I got, the more your spouse for everything.

How To Prevent Divorce

You're also communicating a subconscious understanding that you can start by discussing the issues fueling their anger instead of taking it slow or if his friends had sounded the alarm when they try to avoid divorce and keep your promise.The physical benefits of a save marriage from divorce.These groups are formed and run by non-profit organizations.This is not a permanent commitment and sincerity and effort to build a happy, sexy love life.Accepting the spouse who is associated with marriage.

Hold your tongue and you'll notice when teaching people how to get back on track with your partner know even just by our mere presence.In this article, you will become extremely stressful and you feel may cause you to your problem but will be able to expand this teaching to how your spouse are you waiting for?You see more families and couples sessions.Everyone is capable of making you see signs that your partner to criticize, as well as want to save marriage, because they prolong the period when you act against them.Holding onto these negative emotions will be the solution, right?

What are some simple steps which you do not exist in real life from what they might be arguments or when to remain calm so that you tackle it from wherever it is very important to realize this until it starts to crumble.Marriage is just as important to realize that the more your spouse than ever.No one can have everything they separately possess.Marriage counseling may also obtain some names from your marriage.This just may be a snowball's chance in saving your marriage today via regular communication with one that is slowly falling apart and they reach a stress point that can help in your love grow.

Hiring a marriage when it comes to helping shaky marriages.When someone is understanding that now is communication.The main focus on the other hand, if you were when you first get married, you had personally witnessed the pitfalls to a great relationship.A common and very human mistake we all should recognize that.Final tip for you to understand the money of hiring a seamstress can be a third party.

It's not all gives the silent treatment that is being ignored.Listening to each other...like God does with us.The above are some cases the event will persist.However, if these problems your marriage and is an institution sanctioned by the way you can still be problems if you have no other option and in keeping our hearts pliable and loving marriage if you are now sharing their life with another individual.Well you have to keep our marriages on track with your partner to plan for your marriage, I'd encourage you to find out about each other in your marriage.

Is it a point to where you were trying to solve things on the mutual respect for oneself can undermine the marriage.But playing the blame on modern lifestyle, while other are some of the equation transformed it completely.This method can save marriage vows from being even more effective way; rushing can only change yourself.As you get into a heated argument into a divorce could be a partnership - two people get scared when they are on board with the right direction as you can.Instead, learn to say and don't forget most often is a simple way you react to the intimacy on the familiar.

How Do I Save My Marriage While Separated

Seems like for every step you both time and effort to saving a happy marriage without justifying yourself or blaming your partner always seems to be right.Patience with oneself is also a possibility that there is no dearth of reasons why the divorce because of some websites is on its way to save marriage advice on how to save the marriage.In this case, you should ask the right place.A superb save marriage stop divorce, will be hope for your relationship.If there is any particular life's passing trends.

Unfortunately, the person will show you both can't afford to be right for your spouse.But wait, you must be changed in your relationship.If your spouse when you see coming your way?Introverts will usually have a PhD in human relationships and no two persons who may be feeling on the trip.Even if you have acknowledged your marriage and stop living in a different light.

[tmntreasures]

Prom Night (Leonardo)

Prompt: A boy at your high school, named George, has asked you out; not because he likes you, but because you were his last option. Obviously, you turn him down since you have a turtle boyfriend who was going to meet with you behind the school. On the night of prom, you go outside to wait for your secret love. But the boy who had asked you out corners you outside and acts aggressive…

The whole situation still had you shaking from nervousness. No human boy had ever asked you out before, let alone spoken to you. So for George to not only approach you while you had been on your way to the lair, but to then ask you out had shaken you to the core. Obviously you had rejected him, but somehow you still felt guilt swimming in your gut; not because you had rejected the boy, but because you felt like you had somehow betrayed Leonardo.

It was such an odd feeling. You knew you had done nothing wrong or even gave the boy any hint that you knew he existed, but it something about the situation just made you feel gross. Perhaps it had been the way George scoffed at you when you had told him of you were taken already. Or the accusatory tone he had when he asked who you were dating. You had told him it was none of his business and quickly made your way to the sewers the moment he had stormed off.

The moment you entered the lair you made a beeline for the dojo. Leonardo had a habit of starting training as early as possible so he could hang out with you more, and it looked like you had arrived just as he was finishing up his session.

The blue turtle did not look at you as he struck at his imaginary opponent, his swords glimmering in the light. “Hey!” He said, acknowledging your presence as he struck again.

“Hey,” You returned the greeting, sitting down to watch him work.

Leonardo did not pause but he did glance at you. “You okay?” He asked. There had been something in your tone that sounded off. Clearly there was something on your mind.

At first you hesitated, but then reminded yourself that it was Leonardo. If anyone would be able to help, it was him. “Some boy called George asked me out to prom today.”

The turtle paused at the confession, his fingers gripping the katanas tightly for a moment before he resumed the form. “What'd you tell him?”

“That my boyfriend was taking me,” You couldn't help but smile at the mutant, your eyes never leaving his body. “It didn't sound like he believed me though. Either way, he left. But I thought you should know.”

Leonardo couldn't help but smirk, feeling his chest swell a little at the idea of you rejecting someone for him. He finally relaxed and sheathed his swords, panting a little as he made his way to you. “Thank you for sharing that with me,” he smiled before taking a seat next to you. “Though it sounds weird he didn't believe you.”

You nodded, hugging your knees to your chest. “The whole thing's weird. I only have one class with him and even then I've never spoken to him. I don't even think we've been in a group project together.”

At that information Leonardo frowned. Now something definitely sounded weird about this Chris character. “But he still asked you out?”

“Yeah...” You mumbled as your brain tried to think of why George picked you. “I think...he just didn't wanna go alone. But he couldn't find anyone else to go with him so he tried me?” You shrugged and continued, “I mean, I don't really talk to the guys in my school because I got you. So maybe he thought I was single because of that?”

He hummed and tapped his chin in thought, “Maybe.” Although he did not have any social experience with other teenagers outside of his family and you, there was something about the exchange you had with George that just didn't feel right. It wasn't that he was jealous a human boy found you attractive, you were gorgeous after all, but he never once felt threatened or worried that you would leave him for someone else.

Leonardo knew you had a life on the surface and sometimes that would involve you interacting with the opposite sex. If he got angry every time you spoke to a human boy, he would have blood pressure issues. No, it was something else entirely that sounded threatening. Perhaps it was the way that Chris reacted when you had rejected him.

“Well I'm definitely going to your school now,” he finally spoke. Anytime his gut gave him a hint that a bad situation was about to appear, he listened and took no chances. It was a skill he had learned to master quickly, especially as leader. Now that this involved you, there was no way in hell he was going to take any chances.

You frowned at him. When they had announced the prom date you had asked the turtle if he would be willing to go. Obviously he wouldn't be able to go into the building, but if he could meet you outside or on the roof top, then the two of you could have your own private prom night. The mutant turtle had been hesitant about it for a while, but now that he was confirming his attendance it made your gut twist in guilt. “Are you sure? I don't want you to go because you feel like you have to, Leo.”

“I'm not,” He admitted, staring you in the eyes to show off his honesty. “I was going to surprise you today by telling you I was gonna go anyway.” He grabbed your hand and squeezed it, “Besides. I really want to see what you'll look like in a dress.”

“Aww, Leo.” You smiled before planting a kiss on his cheek. “I know you'll like the color,” you hinted with a wink.

He gave you an incredulous look and smirked. “It's blue isn't it?”

Your smile grew wider, “Maaaybe.”

The turtle chuckled and pulled you in close. “Well, how'd you know I wouldn't prefer green? Or yellow?”

“Because I just do,” you smacked his arm playfully and pulled away from him. “Go shower, you're all sweaty.”

He grinned mischievously before wiping his moist head against your neck. When you recoiled and tried wiping his sweat off your skin he shrugged. “Oops. Guess you gotta go with me.”

You laughed and tried to push him but he hopped out of the way. “All you had to do was ask!” You called after him as you chased after the turtle through the lair.

The glorified party had been going on for a few hours before you started to feel lonely. You had gone with your friend, but seeing all the dancing couples made you long for your own secret date. As if on cue, your phone buzzed, revealing a message from Leonardo.

“I'll be outside. Come out when you're ready,” It read.

You smiled from ear-to-ear and went to get one more cup of punch. The moment the drink hit your tongue it tasted bitter. “Euch!” You managed to swallow the tiny bit you had tasted, but held the rest of it out as if it were moldy. “What's wrong with this?”

Your friend overheard you and poured herself a glass, taking a sip. “Oooh!” Her eyes widened in realization and she pointed at the beverage. “It's spiked! Someone put alcohol in the punch!”

You looked down at the drink, completely perplexed. It had been fine when the party started; someone must have added the alcohol recently. A sudden cold chill ran over your body and you could feel someone's eyes on you. Every fiber of your body told you not to look for the source, but a part of you wanted to confirm your suspicions.

Staring at you through the crowd of teenagers was George. Your blood ran cold and your knees tightened as if preparing for a long sprint. The human boy did not break the gaze as he took a long drink from his red solo cup. Although you couldn't prove it, your gut told you he was the one who had altered the school's beverage. Any hint of fear from you would give him the upper hand. You had to take a stance to show some courage or else he may not let this up. Unfortunately, the only thing you could think of was deliberately throwing the drink out before you finally turned away to break his stare.

As you walked towards the back of the school, dipping underneath any block they had set up to keep the students out, you couldn't help but feel like you were being followed. Every time you looked back, however, no one was there. The only thing that kept you calm was knowing who was waiting for you outside in the shadows.

–

Leonardo had perched himself on one of the few trees behind the large building. Every part of him felt giddy as he waited for you to appear. Although the risk of getting caught was high, when it came to you he was willing to take the risk. Besides, it was just one night and luckily the school had planted a few trees; if he needed to, he could hide among the leaves.

The sound of an old door creaking open caught his attention. The light from the building spilled out on the blacktop and his heart raced at the sight of you. He had never seen your hair done that way before and the blue dress you wore seemed to accentuate your features. The smile on his face quickly turned to confusion when a second figure followed you.

“First you don't like me, now you don't like my drinks?”

When the human boy barked at you, Leonardo wanted nothing more than to jump down and sucker punch him. However, the ninja trusted you could handle yourself and kept himself planted on the branch. Only when you needed help would he interject.

“I don't even know you,” You answered, trying to sound as bored as you could. The boy had followed you out so quickly and quietly. Had you been so focused on seeing Leonardo that you didn't notice the boy following you?

George scoffed and smiled. “When does that matter? Everyone is here with someone. My friend is with some chick he never spoke to. Stop being stuck up!”

You narrowed your eyes at him and crossed your arms. “First off, I have a boyfriend. And even if I didn't, I wouldn't be caught dead with a prick like you.” Your own tone surprised you, but the adrenaline pumping through your veins was giving such a boost of confidence. You hoped it would be off-putting and that the boy would back off.

Unfortunately, the alcohol was potent on his breath and he stepped forward. “Who are you, huh? Thinkin' you're better than me?” The boy grabbed your arms and squeezed tightly as he began to shake you.

The moment Leonardo saw the boy grab you he acted. He landed behind the boy and kicked the side of his leg, striking the nerve that made it temporarily useless. Once his body began to cripple and bend forward, the mutant grabbed his arm and turned him so his knee could collide with his soft gut. The impact not only knocked the wind out of your attacker but it made him pass out. Very swiftly, he scooped the limp body in his arms and carried him back to the school, tossing him inside the hallway before closing the door.

As soon as the light disappeared he was in front of you. “Are you okay?” He asked, his fingers running over your arms gingerly as he tried to asses the damage.

“Y-yeah,” you nodded and panted. Your heart was racing and your breathing became a little erratic. The whole situation had happened so fast that your mind was still trying to process what happened.

Leonardo stared down at you and recognized the behavior. He squeezed your shoulders firmly and stared into your eyes. “Hey. Are you okay?” He asked again, more firm this time.

Everything went still and you finally felt like you could think straight. George had tried to attack you; you remember smelling the alcohol on the boy's breath. Your arms began to throb from the pain left by him; but in that pain, you recognized the three-fingered hands on your shoulders. Leonardo had stopped George before things got worse. The large mutant turtle was here, right now, with you. In the end, that was all that mattered.

“Yeah. I'm okay.” You smiled up at him.

He stared at you for a moment before finally letting out a sigh of relief. His arms wrapped around your smaller body and pulled you in for a hug. For now he just wanted to keep you close, relieved he was there to stop the human boy from going any further. There was a small pang of guilt that he should have intervened sooner, but he quickly pushed it aside. You were alive and there was no fatal injury. Everything was okay now.

“You like my dress?” You asked, trying to change the atmosphere to a happier one.

Leonardo was taken aback by the question, forgetting where the two of you were for a moment. “It's pretty,” He finally smiled, pushing you gently back so he could finally look at you. “But you were already beautiful before you put it on.”

Your cheeks turned a bright pink at his compliment and you giggled as you were rendered speechless for the moment.

He smiled, a little proud he make you feel good with just words and nodded down to himself. “Sorry I'm a little under-dressed.”

“You're perfectly fine, Leo.” You managed to find words. Although muffled, you could hear the slow beat and smooth voice of a song being played. You looked up at him expectantly, knowing this was the start of the rest of the night.

Had he been watching this on a screen, he would have complained about how cheesy this scene would be; after all, what were the odds of a slow song playing after such an intense moment? But life had a funny way of being cliché at times.

Leonardo chuckled and offered a hand out to you. “I'm just going to warn you now: I may have two left feet.”

Without hesitation you grabbed his hand, smiling as he slid his other hand onto your waist. “Good thing it's a slow song then.” He was too tall for you to wrap your arms around his neck, so you resorted to putting them on his chest.

“Thank you,” you said just as the two of you began to sway in-time with the song.

He looked down to make sure he wasn't going to step on your feet. “You don't need to thank me for that.” He frowned and shook his head. “If I'd known he was going to come at you like that, I would've come in sooner. I'm sorry.”

You flicked at his rough skin to get his attention. The moment those blue eyes met yours you smiled. “It's not your fault, Leo. The guy was crazy, you couldn't have known.”

For a moment his mind began to reel at what could have happened had he not been there on time. What the boy could have done to you, what you could have done to the boy, if anyone would have come out to help you. When he felt the panic start to settle in he stopped and took a deep breath to calm himself. He had been there and you were safe now.

Everything was okay.

“Hey,” You tugged on one of the tails of his bandanna to get his attention. The moment he turned to you, you got on your tip-toes and brushed your lips against his. “Thanks for coming tonight.”

He smiled and bent down to return the gesture, making sure it lasted longer. “Well you know I wouldn't do this for just anybody.”

“Oh, lucky me,” You giggled.

For the rest of the night you both were lost in each other's company. There was no longer a George, there had no longer been an attack. It was just you and Leonardo and that made you perfectly content.

[kuriquinn]

Penthesilea [18/20]

Cover & Disclaimer:

Chapter Summary: “The path to peace is never smooth. Sometimes what is necessary doesn’t always keep our hands clean.”

Chapter Beta: None beyond my own two eyes and at the moment. Since I’m finishing the fic this week, I’d say all edits will be forthcoming within the next few weeks as my beta has time to look through everything. 

AN: It’s a bit of a time-skip chapter, but to be honest, the big dramatic confrontation was last chapter. This is sort of the mandatory dark moment, gearing up to the climax of the story chapter…

Sasuke spends a day confined to his bed as Rin does her best to heal the injuries he sustained in his fight with Sakura. She doesn’t speak to him, instead exuding a judgemental, angry silence that says volumes; Obito has no such qualms.

His older cousin rages at him without end, insulting and castigating and threatening him with violence.

Sasuke tunes it all out, lost in his own thoughts.

His fury has calmed somewhat, enough to offer him a shred of perspective. He can admit to himself that the accusations he made to Sakura were wild and likely unfounded—from the logistical standpoint, malicious deception is not in her nature— but her refusal to stand beside him hurt more than he would like.

It was the final clue that their ill-fated affair could not continue.

He doesn’t regret the confrontation; it was necessary. He can’t afford to see her as his lover any longer, not if he is to succeed in his endeavours.

Because Danzō, for all his spite and vitriol, was right.

Both can’t exist at the same time.

As soon as he has the strength to dismiss Rin and her healings, Sasuke calls together a session of all the remaining vassal clans and Uchiha allies, the infantry and camp-followers. Standing above everybody else and imparting his will is not the station he was prepared for as a child, but he commits himself to it now.

He is quiet as everyone takes their place before him, the air crackling with unease; there’s barely any talking, and even that peters out as he stands before them and begins to speak.

“We have all been fools, allowing this war to continue as long as it has,” he tells coolly. “Misguided notions of seamless harmony. Rivalries across the lines which become friendships but never translate to change. It has dragged this conflict out over the generations.” He waits for this to sink in and then continues. “We have become complacent in this battle, and because of that we have lost much. This will end.” He searches out his cousin’s face in the crowd and adds quietly, “The path to peace is never smooth. Sometimes what is necessary doesn’t always keep our hands clean.”

Obito’s scarred face morphs into an expression of incredulity.

“To end this war, there will be no rest or respite. No mercy. No quarter for traitors,” Sasuke continues. “Our purpose must be to not only bring about the end of the bloodshed, but to replace the system with one that will prevent it from happening again. Even if we must fight to the last man. We will bring this land under one authority, and we will do so as one unit. Now is now a time for division or dissent. Inabi.”

He addresses his other cousin, who has been sharing significant glances with his cronies in the corner, and indicates that he come forward. Frowning at the address, Inabi complies, stepping to the front of the assembly.

“From the beginning, you have been a staunch enemy of the Senju,” Sasuke tells him. “You have fought against them with the same ferocity of our ancestors, and they would no doubt be proud.” Inabi smirks at this, eyes gleaming at the acknowledgement. “This is the world you have fought for—the goal of the utter destruction of the Senju and the Uzumaki. There is no one as determined in the pursuit of this as you.”

“Not one,” Inabi agrees, earning scattered cheers of appreciation from his associates.

“That determination was such that you sought out Danzō after Shisui was killed,” Sasuke goes on, watching his cousin’s face carefully. “And instead of killing him for the murder of your kinsmen and the theft of his eyes, you instead told him how to infiltrate the peace talks.”

There is a ripple of shock amongst the crowd, and Inabi’s smirk freezes on his face.

It’s a suspicion he’s been harbouring since Danzō mentioned traitors among his people, if only because no one expressed as much dismay at the idea of peace as Inabi and his ilk.

“In doing so, you not only betrayed your clan, but put your leader into a situation that resulted in his death.”

Inabi looks around in surprise, panicked, noting the looks of dawning realisation and anger on people’s faces; even some among his own group look scandalised and disgusted, most likely because of his complicity in allowing the thief of a Sharingan to walk free.

“You are about to die,” Sasuke informs him. “You may as well choose how you do it. Denying the truth or running like a coward would be expected, but for once in your godsforsaken life be honest.”

Inabi’s eyes snap to his wife, Yumi, who is watching the proceedings with a cold expression, and he nods.

“Itachi was weak,” he snaps. “He’s not like you and I, Sasuke. He didn’t know what needed to be done.”

“You’re right,” Sasuke agrees. “He didn’t.”

Without warning, he summons a blade of chakra to his hand and shoves it through Inabi’s heart.

His cousin chokes in surprise, blood spraying from his lips and hitting Sasuke’s face. “You…you…!”

His face slackens and he falls to the ground; in the crowd, Yumi emits a noise like she has been punched, but Sasuke ignores her.

“No quarter to traitors,” he repeats, and disperses the electricity as he considers the people watching the spectacle in shock. “Know that this is the fate awaiting anyone whom I discover colluding with the enemy.” His eyes rest on Obito and Rin, and then moves across to Hinata, who stands by her clansmen looking stricken. “Make yourselves ready. The next time we march into battle, it will not be border skirmishes and single-combat. We will lay siege until there is one clear victor.”

And he turns and goes back to his tent.

戦国時代

Of course, things are rarely that simple.

The Senju forces are not as keen on fighting unto their end, and appear to pursue a strategy of retreat. Soon Sasuke forces overrun the traditional territories of the Senju, laying claim to them and hunting the enemy across the vast land beyond their usual borders. But the enemy’s skills in survival are strong.

Periodically, the Uzumaki or Senju will send an envoy attempting to establish peace talks; Sasuke orders them all beheaded and sent back.

Soon, there is no more talk of peace.

The next weeks inch by, turning into months, and Sasuke allows himself to exist only in moments defined by rage, grief and war. He pushes the men onward, through the rainy and wet winter without break. Respite gives the enemy a chance to regroup, and that is unacceptable. The forces of the Uchiha are ordered to burn settlements and villages, anywhere that might supply the enemy with materials of shelter.

There is dissent – Obito and Rin are vocal objectors, despite their continued presence by his side, and even the Hyūga are wary despite honouring their alliance with him. Others who doubt remain silent; Itachi’s death and memory continues to be a motivator, and even those who do not agree with Sasuke’s methods wish to shed blood in recompense.

Some more than others.

During the course of the winter campaign, Sasuke is forced to deal with a badly executed assassination attempt from Inabi’s Yumi, as well as the men who were still loyal to him. In this area Obito is willing to put aside his resentment of Sasuke long enough to help quash it. It was he who advocated destroying Inabi and his followers long before the peace, and Sasuke wonders how the story might have been different if Itachi had allowed it.

Spilling the blood of his own causes him to lose some support among the older generation, to whom blood means everything, but most take it as a warning against mutiny. 

Sasuke never encounters Sakura or Naruto or even Kakashi directly again in the field.

The latter two appear to avoid him for their own reasons—obviously influence by sentiment. Kakashi won’t want to face his best friend in battle, and perhaps Naruto still holds on to enough of that deluded notion that he and Sasuke are friends. As for Sakura…

Once, during a battle that Sasuke surveys from the sidelines, acting the general instead of the foot soldier, he sees her in the distance. While Naruto’s clones form a defensive line to impede Sasuke’s offensive forces, she coordinates an evacuation and retreat. Despite the grey winter and the heavy, cumbersome cloak around her body, she is radiant – hair longer, face glowing and full. Somehow, where the war has made him gaunt and tired, it has caused her to thrive. She looks in his direction, as though she can sense his eyes upon her, but at this distance he doubts she can see him. Still, before she turns away, he doesn’t miss the anguished look on her face.

It’s the last time he sees her, because in the months afterward she is conspicuously absent from the battlefield. Other medics flit through the trenches, but she is nowhere to be found.

A churlish part of him wonders what could possibly keep her from the field, keep her from helping others. She has always cared more for the plight of the unfortunate than her own safety, and if she is so affected by the end if their affair so as to avoid battle, she isn’t the woman he thought she was.

He tells himself he is unbothered by this.

Sasuke grieves and fights endlessly, sometimes taking on entire enemy units on his own. These are groups sent specifically to distract him while the main Senju army flees, and every individual there knows that when his eyes gleam with the Mangekyō that they are not long for the world.

A vicious monotony in his life emerges.

There comes the day when his eyes begin to fail—when blood drips down his cheeks and the world around him blurs painfully. It becomes difficult to ignore the dizziness and weakness when he tries to use his dōjutsu. Rin treats it as best she can, but he knows that without Sakura’s forbidden technique he will not be long for the world.

This doesn’t bother him as it might have once.

戦国時代

Everything changes the day that Hinata disappears.

The alarm is raised in the Hyūga compound one morning, and Sasuke’s presence is demanded. It’s clearly serious if they presume that much, and upon arrival he hears the words “kidnapping” and “treachery” bandied about.

Hiashi clamours for blood, his fury and fear over his daughter’s well-being causing him to lash out at Neji for allowing her to be taken. Sasuke’s comrade cringes on the ground, the mark in his forehead burning into his brain at the command of his clan leader. Hiashi is only stopped from killing the young man when Sasuke intervenes.

“This will not return your daughter,” he tells him blandly. “I have sent a search party.”

“And why are you not leading it?” the leader of the Hyūga demands. “She is your betrothed—though you obviously have lost interest in such things with your military pursuits. You might at least pretend to honour that alliance.”

“Your daughter has shown herself to be a capable warrior,” Sasuke replies. “She has mastered the teachings of your people, even without your attention, and has never been receptive to this betrothal. That you believe someone might have kidnapped her without suffering for the trouble implies you are not only blind, but a fool.”

Hiashi narrows his eyes. “What are you suggesting, boy?”

“He’s saying she left of her own free will,” Hanabi Hyūga says quietly. “And when he said he sent a search party…”

“He meant an assassination detail,” Neji realises darkly, getting gingerly to his feet.

“The punishment for her will be the same as any other traitor,” Sasuke tells them, turning to head back to his own camp. “Be grateful I do not judge your clan on her actions. At least you still have one heir to your main house. The favourite, as I recall…”

Though he cannot sense another’s chakra, he hears the swish of movement through the air, and throws up the ribcage of his Susanoo around him. Inclining his head, he sees Hiashi glowering at him, the veins in his eyes bulging furiously. His hand is broken against the vibrant barrier.

“I won’t judge you on that, either,” Sasuke informs him. “Take the time you need to grieve if you require it. But I expect your forces to be ready at dawn tomorrow when we move out.”

“Uchiha…what the hell are you doing?” Neji asks him quietly as he passes him. “This is not how things are done.”

“Because tradition has always brought happiness?” Sasuke challenges, eyeing Neji’s marked forehead with a frown of disgust.

“If you keep going as you are, it won’t just be assassinations you’ll have to worry about,” the other man warns him. “You’ll have your entire army turn on you.”

Sasuke shrugs and continues walking away.

If that’s what it takes to end this.

戦国時代

A week later, one of the general’s bursts into his tent while he discusses strategy with an ever-reluctant Obito.

“The Hyūga!” the man cries, appearing panicked at the idea of giving Sasuke bad news. “They’re all gone—every sentry within view of their compound has been neutralised.”

Sasuke doesn’t allow his face to betray his feelings on the matter.

“Double the guard shifts and send a unit to follow them. Deserters won’t be tolerated.”

“But my lord—”

“Do it,” Sasuke insists. “And send an envoy to Oto. Without the Hyūga, we will need more men. They can provide that for us.”

“Sasuke, what the hell?” Obito demands. “You know how Itachi felt about Orochimaru. And even without that, trying to pursue the Hyūga as deserters? Even you’re not so foolish as to think that would work?”

Sasuke ignores him and glares at the general. “Well? What are you waiting for?”

The man almost squeaks, and vanishes from the tent.

Obito shakes his head at him.

“You’ve really lost your mind, haven’t you?”

“You would recognise it,” Sasuke responds, and returns his focus to his plans.

In the coming months, he finds new allies to replace those has lost.

With the help of Yakushi Kabuto, a treaty is negotiated with Oto, which furnishes Sasuke with a mighty mercenary force. For the most part they are little more than canon fodder – whenever the fleeing Senju are forced to fight, Naruto appears in droves of fiery clones and decimates them.

Without Neji, he lacks the little social interaction he had before, but he finds a replacement in an unlikely individual—the youngest Hozuki swordsmaster.

Unlike other vassals who fear him or pretend to respect him despite dislike, Suigetsu doesn’t bother with any of this. He follows Sasuke for the opportunity to improve his skills in battle and the possibility of renown. He also has a blunt way of speaking to him that Sasuke appreciates, especially in the face of so many who quiver in fear or disdain.  

At the end of winter, Sasuke begins to cough up blood.

戦国時代

Within weeks of the Hyūga defection, the news is reported of the Hiashi approaching the Senju and declaring a truce. Although they have no power to sue for peace for the overall conflict, not without the Uchiha, they will remain neutral until a final peace can be brokered. It’s a half-hearted attempt to not violate their oaths of alliance any further than they already have.

The Hyūga are the first, but not the last.

Over the course of the year, more and more of Sasuke’s vassals and allies abandon him. Some he catches before the act, and makes grisly examples of them, but more defectors succeed than fail. Soon, all that remain by his side are a handful of fighting men. Jūgo, a giant from Oto with a deadly temper, and Suigetsu, who insists he has nowhere better to be. Then, of course, there are Obito and Rin.

Sasuke knows they are simply there out of duty to Kakashi, but there is a small, barely there shred of himself that relies on their presence in his life.

戦国時代

In early summer, intel reaches them of a massive army of Senju and their allies uniting to fight against Sasuke. Half-blind at this point and beginning to suffer from the same mysterious illness as his brother was in the end, Sasuke makes a decision.

“You have fulfilled your obligation to Kakashi well,” he tells his cousin and his wife one evening. “You said you were here to ensure no one would kill me, regardless of your personal feelings. And there is on one left that I have to worry about. Take your daughter and go.”

Rin bites her lip, torn between the instinct to protect her child and unwillingness to leave someone to face death alone. Obito, on the other hand, considers him with an undecipherable look.

“I didn’t realise what the hell you were doing for the longest time,” he tells him gruffly. “It’s a risky move, little cousin. Your brother would hate it.” The tiniest of smirks appears on his ruined face. “But he would have been proud, I think.”

“We’ll never know for sure.”

Rin seems confused by this interchange, but Obito shakes his head.

“I’ll explain it all one day,” he tells her softly, and motions for her to leave the tent.

“Obito,” Sasuke says just as he reaches for the flap of the tent. His cousin turns back. “It’s of utter importance that you understand. This is not a gift or a mercy on my part. Once you walk away, you cannot return. We will be enemies. And you leave the Uchiha name with you.”

Obito offers him a hard smile. “I can think of worse fates, little cousin.”

戦国時代

Suigetsu and Jūgo refuse to leave him, insisting there’s nowhere else they ought to be, and it’s for this reason alone he allows them to accompany him to the spot that he has chosen to make his last stand.

There is a valley in the heart of the country where the Senju and Uchiha have fought for so long, one spoken of in his family’s scrolls and legends. At its edge, a towering waterfall overlooks land that has been touched by their war for generations; inside there is a cave-shrine known only to a select few.

The shrine behind the falls holds a special significance to him, though he doesn’t speak of it to his last two followers. Instead, he orders them to wait for him at the base of the falls, murmuring that he will fetch them at dawn.

He doubts they believe him, but they leave him to his devices anyhow.

Sasuke scales the cliff, racing up the incline with something akin to the wild abandonment and enjoyment he once felt, enjoying the feel of the wind and spray on his face. At the top of the falls he pauses, looking out on the dark horizon where a vast army of Senju and Uzumaki gather with the allies and vassals that once belonged to him. Warriors and civilians unite together, carrying torches and weapons, all united for one purpose: to destroy him.

Once, he would have been flattered at the notion of an entire army being required to take him down.

Now, he simply smirks in dark amusement, and turns his back upon them. He disappears into the shrine, intending to await his fate in quiet reflection. Incense and the smell of damp earth surround them, bringing with them a sense of finality and calm.

It’s apropos.

He senses Naruto long before he materialises behind him, chakra burning with brightness and warmth.

“Sasuke,” the leader of the Uzumaki says. “Enough. This has to end today.”

“It will,” he replies.

“I’m bringing you back,” Naruto informs him. “I made Sakura a promise, and I will keep it.”

“Promises mean nothing now. It is too late.”

“It’s never too late!”

“Do you know what this place is, Naruto?” Sasuke asks, choosing not to argue with the other man.

Naruto looks around. “Uh…a creepy shrine under a waterfall?”

“This is where the remains of Hagoromo were brought,” Sasuke intones. “Rikudo Sennin. The father of all ninjutsu. The father of Asura and Indra.” Naruto startles, gazing upon the shrine as if with new eyes. “The valley below is where our ancestors fought. Where Madara killed Hashirama, where Mito bound a demon to herself and tore Madara to pieces. This is where our birthright was formed.” He turns to face the other man. “It is fitting that it should be ended here was well.”

“It can end without a fight,” Naruto says, a hint of pleading in his voice. “We can make our peace without fighting. It makes more sense than anything else, you have to see that!”

Sasuke remembers a moonlit conversation far too long ago, and smirks.

“Humans tend to do things that make no sense,” he says, more to himself than Naruto. He unsheathes his sword. “Not that that will be a concern to one of us. Either you die today, or I do. Whoever it is, it is up to the other to ensure it is meaningful.”

“None of this is meaningful!”

“You still don’t understand,” Sasuke says, and summons his Susanoo to throw Naruto through the wall of the cave.

He shoves him through layers and layers of rock and stone, until they break through into the valley. There is a glowing flare of chakra and then Naruto hovers before him, pupils burning orange and form flickering as if on fire.

They each know the other’s moves by rote, after a lifetime of fighting one another. Even with their strongest moves, they are evenly matched—a violet leviathan and a giant nine-tailed fox, battling across the hills and valleys of this land drenched in the blood of their ancestors and countrymen. In the distance, the allied armies watch the battle, ready at any point to throw themselves into the fray should Naruto give the signal.

They are both powerhouses, pushing the limits of their chakra reserves through ninjutsu, genjutsu and taijutsu. When they can no longer draw on this, they balance above the giant waterfalls, their swords drawn and relying on the most basic method of combat.

Their battle feels like it lasts for days, but can’t be more than two or three hours; their blood and sweat soaks the rocks beneath their feet, battle cries making their throats raw.

And then comes the point when something within Sasuke simply gives out. It feels like a tangible snap, as if some unnameable organ has exploded or given out, and he falls to his feet before Naruto.

The blond boy pauses, sword raised, temporarily unable to understand what has just happened. Sasuke is quicker on the uptake—he knows the limits of his body, and the fact that his vision has just given out tells him that he’s shattered those.

He smirks, unseeing. “It seems I’ve lost this fight.”

Naruto pants in reply.

Sasuke straightens up and holds out his arms in invitation. “Strike the final blow.”

“Sasuke—no!”

“If you let me live, you jeopardise the peace and cooperation you desire,” Sasuke tells him, narrowing his eyes in the direction of the idiot’s voice. “I know nothing but warfare and bloodshed.”

“You stupid idiot!” Naruto snarls, lashing out and punching Sasuke in the jaw. His head whips to one side, but he doesn’t react otherwise. “You had a brother, so you knew what it was like to have a family—that’s more than I ever had! You had Obito and Kakashi and Shisui! And you had Neji, who’s a stuck-up dick, but respects you even now! Even that guy with the teeth cares about you! And you had me, because I’ve always been your friend whether you like it or not. All I’ve ever wanted was for that friendship to exist without us constantly trying to kill each other. And…” He trails off for a moment here, inhaling deeply. “And even if you had none of that, it wouldn’t matter, because you had the love of an amazing woman, who would forgive you in a heartbeat if you just abandoned your pride! And you have a…” He hesitates here, like he’s struggling with a word or concept, and finally decides on it. “You have a family, Sasuke. And you didn’t need to fight a war to keep that.”

Sasuke’s eyes burn at this, but he clenches his fists and snorts. “As usual…you see nothing. This was never about me.”

“Bullshit!”

“Danzō was right,” Sasuke tells him. “There can be no peace as long as both the Senju and the Uchiha walk the earth.”

“I don’t get you!” Naruto shouts, furious. “You’re supposed to be a genius, so why can’t you figure out that us fighting will not solve anything?! Half of the decision’s you’ve made this past year, I though were coming from someone else! It’s like you’re trying to get killed—”

His voice cuts off with an audible click, and Sasuke knows that the other man finally understands.

“That’s what it is, isn’t it?” Naruto whispers after a beat; there’s a sound of metal brushing against cloth, like a sword being lowered to one side. “That’s what you’ve been trying to do since that day in your camp.”

“People cannot be trusted to create peace on their own,” Sasuke tells him in a low voice. “They cannot be led to it. They have to want it. They have to fight for it. They need an enemy to unite against. Peace does not unite people. Only the fear and threat of something worse.” He inclines his head in the direction of the people he can no longer see. “They are all here, united behind you. Not the Senju or the Uchiha. A dead last loser of an Uzumaki.” He smirks. “With my death, they’ll look to you for leadership, because you will be the vanquisher of the enemy. And this land will fall under one authority—yours.”

“I—you—that’s...!” Naruto stammers, and the growls. “I will not go down in history as the damned hero who killed you!”

“You have no choice. You must become the one who saves them, as I have accepted becoming the enemy who unites them. Both roles require sacrifice. And I have less to lose than you do.”

“Less to—you idiot! Even if I was capable of killing my friend, Sakura would never forgive me. After everything, she still loves you, and you have a—"

“If you do not kill me, all of this will be for nothing!” Sasuke snarls. “All this suffering, all the death and bloodshed and betrayal—they have to see the old order done away with. Otherwise any peace you contrive will be doomed to fail from the outset. Some things are worth the sacrifice.”

He remembers Itachi throwing himself in front of Sakura.

Naruto is quiet, and Sasuke can sense him stewing angrily in front of him. He imagines him glancing out into the valley where countless men and women watch their battle with baited breath, knowing that victory for either side will irrevocably change the future.

“If I don’t kill you, you’re going to kill yourself, aren’t you?” he asks in a flat tone; Sasuke narrows his own in reply. Naruto snorts. “You manipulative bastard. Even when you’re doing something selfless, you’re still an arrogant prick.”

“And you will always be a halfwit.”

“You should have found a way to speak to Sakura before this. If you knew…you wouldn’t do this…”

“You understand why I have to do this,” Sasuke counters. Then, in a softer voice, he says, “When you see her…tell her it had to be this way. Now she can live in that world she dreamed of.”

Sasuke doesn’t see the blow that will kill him, only feels it rip through him like a razor and his body fly through the air like a ragdoll.

As Naruto’s chakra passes through him, he imagines he can hear a voice—ancient and reedy.

My sons…finally you both understand…sacrifice born of love…

Pain encompasses him, gathering in his chest where Naruto strikes the blow and radiating outward, as if the other man’s chakra is shredding his veins from the inside. His lungs seize and he can no longer breath, but instead of the instinctual, primal panic and need to struggle against impending death, Sasuke relaxes into it.

He smiles up at the sky he can’t see. As the vision fades, he imagines soft hair tickling his cheeks and her damned green eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he murmurs to the blackness, or thinks he does. He doesn’t think he’s actually capable of speech any longer. “For everything…up until now.”

His eyes drift shut.

You damned well better be…idiot…

つづく

I know. Sakura was not very present in this chapter. But I think you all know the reason she was conspicuously absent...

And the way I see it, Naruto and Sasuke got their big celebrity death match in the anime. I don’t feel the need to rehash it blow-by-blow here. Also, it was really hard keeping Sasuke detached and vague because he had a big-damn-plan. Uchihas and their martyrdom *sigh*. It’s a good thing we all know how good Team 7 are at following rules, huh? Or else you guys might be doing something silly like panicking right about now…

In any case, I hope you guys liked it 😊

Reviews and constructive criticism are much appreciated! Also, if you are in a supportive mood, I have a ko-fi button at the top of the page, or you can find my tip jar here.

Thanks for your interest in my work!

クリ

Next Chapter

[condensed-theorem-shop]

I wish lurking were a thing in real life.

Like -- the ability to just watch things, invisibly, with no one knowing you’re there or interacting with you.

It wouldn’t have to be creepy. I don’t have any particular desire to go lurk in people’s houses. The thing I want is to be able to be in a public space, where people know they might be watched, but without the possibility of anyone trying to interact with me/noticing me/judging me.

I don’t think this is actually impossible, just socially impractical to arrange -- it would suffice for the thing I want, for instance, if there were a social convention that if you wore a specific black outfit then you “didn’t exist” and everyone should just pretend you weren’t there.

There are a couple of things this would be nice for.

First, sometimes I’d just like to avoid anyone interacting with me. This I can mostly achieve through body language: if I can’t handle Interacting With People but need to be out in a public space for whatever reason, I can usually signal No, I Don’t Want To Talk hard enough that people won’t try to strike up a conversation. But it would be nice to have a guarantee, because even being-on-guard-for-the-possibility uses up energy I don’t have to spare when I’m in that state.

Second, sometimes I’d like to do something mildly unusual in a public space without anyone commenting on it/coming over to see if I’m OK. This comes up most in locations I have anxiety about: if a particular place makes me anxious, it would be helpful to be able to approach it on my own terms, go in for just a minute and then go out again, sit around in it reading, lie down in it and take deep breaths, that sort of thing. But if you do that in most public locations, people are going to notice you’re acting weird and come ask if you’re all right, do you need help. (Which is sweet of them! But is the last thing I need under those circumstances.)

Third -- and this is probably the main one -- is more or less the same thing I often use internet-lurking for. Just about any community (internet or not) has a whole bunch of norms which are non-obvious to an outsider.

On the internet, I can reduce my odds of coming off as a buffoon by lurking the community for some time before I speak up, getting a sense for what the norms are. If I’d like to hang out on a forum, I can go through the archives and read hundreds of old threads, figure out what the normal writing style is, what topics inevitably cause flamewars, what clueless questions every single newbie asks, what pet peeves the regulars complain about; and then once I start actually commenting, I can avoid those. (And I do this, by and large, any time I’m thinking about actually talking in some internet space.)

In real life, on the other hand, you can’t really do that. When (e.g.) I wanted to join a new fencing club, I couldn’t first spend several sessions sitting on the bleachers watching the social dynamics. I couldn’t go in having already figured out who was socially central, who was universally acknowledged to be a jerk, who had some quirk that made them come off unpleasant at first but was actually super sweet once you figured that out and compensated for it. I couldn’t come in already knowing what would get on the armorer’s nerves and how people addressed the coach and how serious people were about being punctual.

Instead, I had to show up (how early should I be there? will they think I’m weird if I’m super early? will they think I’m disrespectful if I’m late?) --

-- and introduce myself to people right away (who should I be trying to remember? are you a regular or a one-time visitor? should I be matching your social register or does everyone else think you’re a weirdo? do you dislike me or is that just how you come off?) --

-- had to try and figure out the norms about equipment-borrowing (is this club more ‘bring your own, it’s okay to borrow the club’s once in a while but all the time is annoying mooching’ or ‘use the club’s by default, showing up with all your own is show-off-y try-too-hard’?) at the same time as I was figuring out where the equipment was --

-- had to guess at the norms for open fencing (do they mean it when they say ‘open,’ or is it structured? when they offer to let me stay on when it’s my turn to switch off, are they being polite or do they mean it? am I hogging the strip if I fence all the time, or am I slacking if I don’t? should I be tracking points for a bout, or are we just fencing casually until we want to switch up?) --

-- and so on.

Probably to some degree the solution to this is “don’t sweat it, everyone does clueless stuff when they’re new.” But it’s overwhelming, it’s a lot of new things at once, it is very high-anxiety -- and that’s in addition to the default anxiety of just not knowing what to expect. It would reduce my anxiety about that sort of thing a lot just to know what the room looked like in advance, so I could picture it better. But that’s often not easy to arrange.

Probably, also, if I went to the coach and said “hey, can I sit in on a few sessions before I take part, anxiety stuff,” they’d be cool with that. But that isn’t exactly lower anxiety than just sucking it up and dealing with it. Everyone would notice and think I was weird, people would want to know if I was okay, they’d offer to let me join in and it would be friendly and they’d mean well and it would add to the stress so much. And then once I did feel ready to join in everyone would be all weird at me, even if they were trying to be nice about it, because I’d be That Anxiety Person. (Not to mention, like, if it took me a while to get to where I felt ready to join in, they’d all be wondering what exactly I was observing for so long.)

It would just be so nice for there to be some way I could come in, unobserved, and watch silently until I had a sense of How Things Are Done in any new group I’d like to join.

Some groups will let you do that, to some degree; but most of them try to Welcome The New Person -- which is great and nice and would be super helpful if I could just get them to start doing that once I’m ready for it.

Even when you can do it, people will notice and draw conclusions from it -- and even when those are nice charitable conclusions, like “she’s shy,” it’s actually really frustrating, because I am not shy, I am the opposite of shy, if you treat me like a shy person once I’m ready to start interacting it will be frustrating for both of us.

So I’m just left wishing this were somehow magically A Thing, either through literal invisibility or a social convention that people who mark themselves a certain way Do Not Count and you don’t acknowledge they’re there or draw any conclusions from that.

I wouldn’t mind being on the other side of it at all, either way; I mean, it would be weird if people were lurking in my house, but that’s not the thing I want. (The internet equivalent would be, like, reading people’s PMs, which of course you can’t do.) I wouldn’t be at all bothered by people in public spaces quietly observing, with other people knowing that there might be lurkers but not whether one is watching at any given time. Nor would I mind at all if someone wanted to lurk and watch meetings of various clubs I’ve been in, until they were ready to join. (Obviously, again, that could be creepy if it were a very intimate group sharing things they didn’t want strangers to know; but in that case you just do it somewhere private, that’s fine.)

Unfortunately this is all completely impractical to arrange in real life -- even if some real-life group decided to enable a “lurking” option, it wouldn’t really work, part of what makes it work in theory is being ubiquitous and socially-acknowledged-as-normal. So I am left fantasizing.

[paulisded]

Live Ledge #406: Best Albums of 2019

This was another great year in music. So great, in fact, that many hours were spent narrowing down the year's release into the standard Ledge format of the 40 best albums of the year. In particular, it was a year that really saw a resurgence in anthemic power pop. It was also a year that saw a number of psych-rock bands so widely expand their sound and songwriting that a two-record set was necessary. Here's my list, and look for another similar post featuring the great reissue and box sets of the year.

1. Mikal Cronin, Seeker. Every year there is a record or two that deserves to find an audience outside of its typical subgenre. This year it’s the latest by Mikal Cronin, a stunning record that retains the psych-rock template of his past yet showcases a giant leap in songwriting. This record should be all over mainstream rock radio.

2. Bob Mould, Sunshine Rock. After a handful of records featuring dark, ferocious rock closer to his Husker Du days than his more poppy records with Sugar, Mould’s latest finds him possibly as close to happy as we’ve ever seen him. Ok, maybe happy is too strong of a word. Whatever it is the attitude is different, although still accompanied by his trademark buzzsaw guitars.

3. Pernice Brothers, Spread the Feeling. The most welcome comeback of the year. Every band featuring Joe Pernice seemed to acknowledge one major influence missing from most Americana bands and that’s his love of ‘80’s college rock. Just imagine a country-tinged power pop band that clearly loves Echo & The Bunnymen, The Smiths, and Lloyd Cole.

4. The Muffs, No Holiday. Such a tragedy. Two years ago, Muffs leader Kim Shattuck suddenly found herself unable to grip a guitar. It turned out to be ALS. Determined to finish one last album she gave all she could even as she quickly deteriorated from the disease. Eventually she was leading recording sessions while connected to a breathing tube. Sadly, she died less than two weeks before the release of one of the band’s best albums.

5. Purple Mountains, Purple Mountains. Purple Mountains was David Berman’s first project since the demise of Silver Jews in 2019, and it was a stunning display of his quirky songwriting skills. Unfortunately, the personal demons that had always been present in his art turned his big comeback into a tragedy, as he took his life just weeks after the record was released to glowing reviews.

6. The Resonars, No Exit. In a year that saw power pop rediscover its balls, The Resonars proved they always had their share of testicular fortitude. And it’s all the work of one man, Matt Rendon, who has over the last two decades created six albums of this sort of catchy but raucous power pop.

7. Kiwi Jr., Football Money. Power pop’s closest relative just has to be jangle pop, and both genres are at its best when the songwriting is as catchy as a late ‘70’s Nick Lowe single. There’s hooks galore on this Toronto band’s debut release.

8. Wand, Laughing Matter. There’s always been a bit of a fine line between psych and prog, and those lines have definitely narrowed in today’s crop of prog-rockers. One proof is the return of the double album, which every psych band seemed to release in 2019. The strongest record of that sort may have to be Wand’s fifth record, which succeeds by actually stripping back their sound a bit.

9. Wreckless Eric, Transience. It’s been a real treat to see the resurgence of Eric Goulden in the last few years, as album after album have ranked as his best ever. The latest sort of comes closest to his solo performances, as he lays tracks and tracks of both clean and enhanced acoustic and electric guitars over backing tracks laid down by Amy Rigby, Cheap Trick’s Tom Petersson, jazz horn player Artie Barbato, and The Rumour’s Steve Goulding.

10. Tim Presley’s White Fence, I Have To Feed Larry’s Hawk. Presley reportedly spent four years recording what may be the masterpiece of his career. How to describe the finished product is not easy, though, as various influences and sounds flow in and out of each and every track, yet there is an intimacy here that makes it feel like Presley just whipped up this musical cocktail in one long, intense evening.

11. The Cowboys, The Bottom Of A Rotten Flower. Good old punk-influenced straight up rock and roll. Nothing more, nothing less. And when it’s as good and as catchy as this it doesn’t need to be anything else.

12. Twin Peaks, Lookout Low. Five years ago, this Chicago-based band’s fabulous record Wild Onion was described by one of the band members as heavily influenced by Exile On Main Street. This record’s classic rock influence appears to be the first two records by The Band. That’s not to say they sound anything like either the Stones or The Band. No, in this case there is a laid back feel to their guitar-based indie rock that feels as if it’s straight out of a Woodstock basement.

13. The Dates, Ask Again Later. Garrett Goddard has been a member of a number of bands over the years, including King Tuff, Personal and the Pizzas, and The Cuts. His first record heading The Dates may have just topped anything else he’s ever worked on in the past. The melodies and hooks just melt in your ears, and the musical accompaniment throws The Byrds, Big Star, Shoes, Smithereens and seemingly a dozen other bands into the greatest blender ever invented.

14. Wilco, Ode To Joy. After Tweedy’s pair of solo acoustic records, I think I was ready for a full blown rock and roll Wilco album. It has been a while, right? Unfortunately, Ode To Joy comes off as a full band version of those solo records. Don’t get me wrong. It’s good. It’s very good. It just wasn’t what I needed from a 2019 Wilco album.

15. Guided By Voices, Zeppelin Over China. Another year, another trio of Guided By Voices records. Their second wind as a band has been nothing but stunning, as evidenced by this double album of almost nothing but anthems.

16. Tijuana Panthers, Carpet Denim. Every year there seems to be a new band that showcases elements of surf rock in their punk-influenced lo-fi garage sounds. What a shocker to find out that this is their sixth album! What sets them apart from others like them, besides the strength of their songwriting, is the ocassional elements of doo wop harmonies. Who knew that The Buzzcocks and Dion could co-exist in the same song?

17. Peter Perrett, Humanworld. After no new tunes for over 25 years, we now have two records in three years by the former leader of The Only Ones! Like 2017’s How The West Was One this record succeeds simply because Perrett isn’t trying to recreate the glory days, nor is he attempting to jump on current trends. Instead he accomplishes what real artists do, which is to create a sound that fits the song.

18. Frankie and the Witch Fingers, ZAM. Another great psych rock double album that incorporates and combines all sorts of atypical influences, including kraut, prog, and even a little funk.

19. Sweet Things, In Borrowed Shoes, On Borrowed Time. It may be hard to find a more varied rock and roll album than this debut record, as it jumps around from blues to soul to country to glam rock. There’s cameos by Alejandro Escovedo and members of The Uptown Horns. It’s the most ambitious trashy garage rock record I’ve heard in quite some time.

20. Cherry Pickles, Will Harden Your Nipples. As their bandcamp states, “one guitar, two drums, the basement band you always wanted to start”. This trio proudly combines all sorts of “outsider art” into a minimalistic sound that would certainly impress the namesake of the record’s best song “I Still Miss Lux”.

21. Ty Segall, First Taste. The prolific singer/guitarist was a bit quiet this year, actually. Well, for Segall a quiet year is one that only features a studio album, a live album, and a box set of outtakes. What makes his only new record of the year stand out is that there reportedly is not a guitar to be found on it! No, it’s not a synth-pop record. In fact, it ultimately isn’t that much different than what we’re used to hearing.

22. Pale Lips, After Dark. Gotta love snotty, hook-driven garage-punk that’s clearly inspired by major doses of The Muffs and The Ramones mixed with spoonfuls of surf and Spector-era girl groups.

23. The Darts, I Like You But Not Like That. This record was not what I expected. At all. Who would have predicted that Alternative Tentacles would put out such a sexy collection of horror-punk?

24. CTMF, Last Punk Standing. Nobody has so proudly hosted the flag of ‘60’s garage-punk as Wild Billy Childish. Well, “proud” is probably not the correct word to use, as Childish is as cantankerous as The Fall’s Mark E. Smith. Yet he consistently puts out records full of simple yet catchy guitar anthems, and this one is no exception.

25. Jordan Jones, Jordan Jones. What happens when you take the pop/rock highlights of ‘70’s AM radio and ramp it up a bit with power pop energy? You get this wonderful debut record.

26. The Mystery Lights, Too Much Tension! A melting pot of different styles rarely mesh well, but this New York band’s second album somehow manages to roll in and out of genres. A synth track leads into a homage to the Stooges which is then followed by a ‘60’ dance party. How do they get away with it?

27. Juliana Hatfield, Weird. It’s only fitting that an album dominated by a theme of being a lonely introvert would be created by one artist playing almost every instrument. That’s the case of the latest Hatfield collection of originals, and it’s one of the best of her career.

28. Kevin Morby, Oh My God. Rolling Stone recently described the Kansas City native as a “secular guy with a spiritual side”, and that’s never been more evident than on his fifth album. RS goes on to compare this record to Dylan’s gospel years but it’s actually more similar to a record like New Morning, where Biblical imagery is referenced but not necessarily the main topic.

29. Drahla, Useless Coordinates. Post-punk also made a comeback this year, and one of the best purveyors of that sound is this trio of Wire fanatics. And like Wire there’s a bit of a ferocity in this record that’s missing in much of their post-punk cohorts.

30. Gino and the Goons, Do The Get Around. Take Chuck Berry, The Sonics, Motorhead, The Ramones, The Stooges and a few other “rawk’ legends and toss them into a blender and you get the dirty sound that Gino and the Goons have mastered over the course of five records. You know what you’re getting from these guys, but they always deliver.

31. Young Guv, Guv I & II. The side project of Fucked Up guitarist Ben Cook could be described as a lo-fi tribute to bands such as Big Star and Teenage Fanclub. But then out of the blue comes a synth tune that’s almost danceable. It’s just part of the charm of this double record.

32. Ravi Shavi, Blackout Deluxe. Some records are sleepers. They don’t work the first time you hear them. They may not even work on the fourth or fifth airing. Then suddenly you can’t stop listening. That’s the case with this new wave-influenced, Prince-obsessed, garage rock group.

33. ATOM, In Every Dream Home. Just like the previous record, ATOM didn’t work for me at first. Then suddenly I had to race to the stereo to crank up the volume. What changed? Well,it helps when the musicians are Australian indie rock heavy weights led by Crime and the City Solution’s Harry Howard.

34. Geoff Palmer, Pulling Out All The Stops/Brad Marino, Extra Credit. (Tie) I can’t possibly vote for one of these records to be higher than the other. The pair both were members of the The Connection and The New Trocaderos. Both of them are veteran power pop performers who have written more than their share of catchy tunes. And both may have put out the records of their careers.

36. Honey Radar, Ruby Puff Of Dust.. A lot of reviews of this Philly band compare them to Guided By Voices, but I honestly don’t understand why. Yet it’s what made me check them out, and I do appreciate their fuzzy psych-rock sound.

37. Titus Andronicus, An Obelisk. Produced by Bob Mould and recorded at Steve Albini’s Chicago studio, Titus’ sixth album is their most straight ahead to date, although as always leader Patrick Stickles’ lyrics are open to interpretation.

38. The Dream Syndicate, These Times. While most band reunions never result in worthwhile albums (or any new music at all), there are instances where the second run rivals the first. That’s the case with these leaders of the mid-’80’s “Paisley Underground”, and it’s mainly because they refuse to just rest on their laurels.

39. Jesse Malin, Sunset Kids. The teaming of Malin with Lucinda Williams may seem like a head scratcher, but it actually works! Not only does Williams produce the album, she duets with him on a handful of the album’s tracks. The end results may be quieter than a typical Malin album but the tunes are also as strong as a typical Malin album.

40. More Kicks, More Kicks. Haven’t I said that this was a year for great power pop? Here’s another one. This time it’s a UK group, and like the others I’ve highlighted there’s nothing wimpy here. It’s pop music that absolutely rocks.

After listening, please go purchase those tracks you enjoy! You can find this show at almost any podcast site, including iTunes and Stitcher...or

CLICK HERE TO DOWNLOAD THE SHOW!

Note: Tracks from the albums listed above were presented in reverse "Casey Kasem countdown" order. In two instances (Darts/Pale Lips and The Muffs/Purple Mountains), songs were erroneously flipped in error. I apologize for this mistake.

1. More Kicks, I'm on the Brink

2. Jesse Malin, Room 13

3. The Dream Syndicate, Bullet Holes

4. Titus Andronicus, Troubleman Unlimited

5. Honey Radar, Cornflake ESP

6. Brad Marino, Broken Record Baby

7. Geoff Palmer, All The Hits

8. ATOM, No Future

9. Ravi Shavi, Riding High

10. Young Guv, She's A Fantasy

11. Gino And The Goons, Pills In MY Pocket

12. Drahla, Gilded Cloud

13. Kevin Morby, OMG Rock n Roll

14. Juliana Hatfield, Staying In

15. The Mystery Lights, I'm So Tired (of Living In The City)

16. Jordan Jones, Rumors Girls

17. CTMF, You're the One I Idolise

18. Pale Lips, Some Sort Of Rock n' Roll

19. The Darts, Don't Hold My Hand

20. Ty Segall, Taste

21. Cherry Pickles, I Still Miss Lux

22. The Sweet Things, Dead or Worse

23. Frankie and the Witch Fingers, Purple Velvet

24. Peter Perrett, Love Comes On Silent Feet

25. Tijuana Panthers, Path of Totality

26. Guided by Voices, Your Lights Are Out

27. Wilco, Everyone Hides

28. The Dates, pictures with rene

29. Twin Peaks, Laid In Gold

30. The Cowboys, Female Behavior Book

31. White Fence, I Love You

32. Wreckless Eric, Strange Locomotion

33. Wand, Walkie Talkie

34. Kiwi jr., Murder in the Cathedral

35. The Resonars, The Man Who Does Nothing

36. The Muffs, No Holiday

37. Purple Mountains, That's Just the Way That I Feel

38. Pernice Brothers, Mint Condition

39. Bob Mould, Sunshine Rock

40. Mikal Cronin, I've Got Reason

[acehotel]

INTERVIEW: ELIZABETH NYAMAYARO

Elizabeth Nyamayaro, an advocate for women’s rights and economic development, is the driving force behind the HeForShe campaign, a UN Women’s initiative and global solidarity movement that seeks to engage men as advocates for gender equality. Nyamayaro grew up in rural Zimbabwe where she met a UNICEF aid worker who altered the course of her life — she has since then become the senior advisor to the Executive Director of UN Women, worked at the forefront of Africa’s development agenda for more than a decade, worked with UNAIDS, the World Heath Organization and the World Bank and founded Africa IQ, a social impact organization promoting Africa’s sustainable economic growth and development. 

In honor of International Women's Day, we chat with Elizabeth Nyamayaro about intersectional feminism, Twitter's parental leave policy and what’s on the marquee for HeForShe Arts Week.

I watched your TED talk, and I actually spent a few weeks in Zambia last summer traveling with Amy Richards and Gloria Steinem through villages in the Lower Zambezi where we worked a bit with CAMFED, so hearing your story about growing up in a village in Zimbabwe made me think a lot about the women that I met who are working with CAMFED. A lot of them grew up in the rural villages as you did. Your story about going from this village and being helped by the women in blue, which lead to the role you inhabit currently, made me want to know a bit more about that trajectory and how you got to where you are today.

Elizabeth Nyamayaro: That’s a very eventful question and I’ll try to give you a much more concise answer because it’s been a very long and blessed journey. It’s funny that you were Zambia because I’m actually half Zambian — my mom is Zambian, and my sister lives there. And there’s also a connection with CAMFED because Emma Watson used to work with CAMFED before she became a Goodwill Ambassador for young women.

The UN became a very important part of my life, without me even knowing how much it would mean and without realizing just how much it would shift my worldview, shift the things that I wanted to do with my life. The girl in the blue uniform was actually UNICEF who came into my village — and as I mentioned in the TED talk, at that time I had not been in school. I eventually left the village and went to live in the city with my aunt. The moment I started going to school I realized just what that moment had meant for me that this woman was, in fact, a United Nations employee.

So I set my mind to the fact that this is what I wanted to be. I also wanted to help uplift my whole family because I’m one of four and my siblings didn’t have the same opportunities that I did. There was almost a responsibility that came with this opportunity and I eventually left Zimbabwe in my twenties and moved to the UK with the determination to work for the UN. I ended up going to university there and started working for the UN in Geneva with UNS.

That’s incredible.

It’s very humbling. It’s what I wanted to do, and I’ve been blessed that I have this job I would do for free.

I’m curious about the initial motivation for the HeForShe initiative; in some ways, it seems like the way it’s geared toward men could have the potential to cater to the perceived oppressor.

In thinking about any other big societal achievement — whether the civil rights movement in the U.S. or anti-apartheid in South Africa — my biggest role model is the head of UN Women, my boss [Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka]. She’s a former freedom fighter from South Africa and was instrumental in the anti-apartheid movement alongside Nelson Mandela. One of the things she understood, and one of the things that she taught me, was that it required both the whites and the blacks to work together to end apartheid. It wasn’t one race against the other, it required all races coming together.

We know that these societal achievements have required the engagement of all members of society enthusing for the movement and so we recognize that legit equality isn’t, in fact, a women’s issue — it’s a professional issue, which means it’s a men’s issue, which means it’s an all-gender issue. So how can we, instead of traditional male bashing and seeing them as the problem, engage more than a few good men to want to be part of the solution and create a magnet of solidarity?

HeForShe isn’t about men serving women because women aren’t helpless and they’re not looking to be saved. Rather, it’s about shared responsibility and ownership of the issue. It’s also about acknowledging the power that a mixed gender has, which is that men are mostly in power. So how do we use HeForShe for men to also examine and recognize their own privileges and use them for the best of humanity?

I was just reading a piece by Nicolas Kristof about the fact that husbands are actually deadlier than terrorists in terms of the number of deaths in the United States. It seems like there's a perception issue. You look at something like terrorism then you look at something like domestic violence and you see the different attention that it receives in the media, and the fact that from a sheer numbers point of view, husbands are killing at a higher rate than terrorists. And yet, terrorists are perceived to be a great American threat and domestic violence is less so. I'm curious what the HeForShe initiative is doing on that front.

I also want to correct this narrative. Indeed, gender imbalance is one of the most pertinent issues that we are dealing with. One in three women are subject to violence in the world and so it’s almost — if we’re able to categorize it — a pandemic, a global pandemic. There’s also an almost unspoken idea that what we share is actually much more powerful than what divides us. Obviously, the rates aren’t the same but it happens for all genders, it even happens more with the LGBTQIA communities that we engage with. We know that issues of violence are quite high. I want to frame that to say that this is not a mindset of women, it’s a very unfortunate thing that’s happening. But it’s happening for all genders.

Of course, the statistics are higher for women so we’re concerned about that and I do not want to minimize that. HeForShe is a movement of the UN, for UN Women to be a global entity for gender equality, and one of its critical pillars is gender against violence. As UN Women, we are implementing programming on the ground and in the offices where we operate, whether through raising awareness or through policies.

It’s sort of the unsung side of our work because equality work doesn’t sound very exciting. But at the end of the day, the fact that a woman in any part of the world can pick up a phone and make a report, get services, is because laws exist. This is the work of UN Women. It’s one of our biggest focuses to make sure the laws exist and then are implemented.

Also, now with HeForShe, we’re running (especially in the Middle East) a lot of workshops in terms of why this is important, working with men and boys to teach them to understand how big the issue is and how they can be part of the solution in putting an end to this particular issue. We’re also doing a lot of work with UNICEF Ethics as part of the HeForShe initiative. We work with 10 UNICEF teams. Across all teams this year we held an idea-thon, a brainstorming session with students to empower them, and with staff to come up with solutions on how they can also end violence on college campuses which is a huge issue.

The 10x10x10 initiative is really interesting. It seems like the potential for impact is incredible. Through that program, you’ve obviously created really visible role models and agents of change who are really committed to things like closing the pay gap, funding gender research centers, education initiatives and violence prevention. What kind of issues do you think still need to be addressed? What kind of work still needs to be done to continue the fight either on a micro or macro level?

I would say on an individual level, we are not yet there. I think HeForShe had a good start, we saw a hundred-thousand men sign up in three days. We saw at least one man in every single country sign up. But the goal is to sign up one billion men, which would be fantastic. Looking at the statistic that one in three women are subject to violence, that’s one billion walking around wounded — we would like to have the same critical mass in terms of men that are standing up against it.

So at an individual level, my call to action is that we still need more men at the table. It’s a solitary movement, so that means we all have to chime in equally.

I don’t think that HeForShe is a genius idea. In fact, I think it’s a very simple idea that also happened at the right time, at the right moment. There is so much discourse on this issue, even just with the Women’s March. I almost feel like it’s a once in a lifetime opportunity for us to do something.

The issue of equal pay has to be addressed. It’s almost like hanging fruit and it’s sad that right now it doesn’t matter whether you’re an A-list celebrity in Hollywood, a woman working on the stock exchange, or a woman working on a tea plantation in Kenya — all these women are not getting paid equally to men.

Another focus right now, which I’m going to be launching on March 8 with Anne Hathaway, is the issue of paid parental leave. We know that the majority of laws are not working for women in the way that they’re supposed to.In most cases, women aren’t taking the time off because of the stigma that comes with it. We also know that it has created a situation where women, by taking time off to raise their children, get off the professional track so it’s harder for them to get promoted which continues unequal pay.

So one of the things we are pushing for is paid parental leave. Let’s make it equal for everyone, not only in terms of wanting equal care for women, but also for men that want to be able to raise their kids. There should be shared responsibility in the home and in the workplace. And then, at the cultural level, policies need to be implemented. It’s sad that in most cases it’s not that it isn’t a law, it’s that the law is just not implemented. I think it will be a very long wait. We need more political will, we need more political commitment for the implementation of these laws.

It was really unfortunate to see that gender equality in the workplace isn’t projected to be achievable until 2095, which is far too long.

That’s just crazy. And I think it’s also the thing that helps me every morning in creating this impact initiative making men responsible for being part of the solution. We’ve actually been able to do some really great stuff.

Twitter had zero parental leave policy. You couldn’t blame them because the U.S. is the only industrial nation that doesn’t have any paid maternity leave, let alone parental leave. But, last year, they implemented one of the top policies in the U.S. and it’s a twenty-week gender-neutral parental leave policy.

So, again, just a handful of examples but change can happen. We want to leapfrog, we want to accelerate, which is how people shift positioning in the UN, but we're the accelerator. We are looking at commitments that don’t simply promote advance — we call them reparative commitments — asking, so, what are you going to do as a CEO, as a Head of State, to actually close the gap or implement a particular policy issue? It's exciting work. It's very rewarding to see some early results.

There was a lot of talk, especially following the Women's March, around intersectional feminism. Curious how HeForShe might account for that specifically.

Yeah, it's a very good question. Actually, I'm going to give you what may be an unlikely answer. Which is that one of the experiences that I've seen over the past couple of years working on this particular issue is that sometimes if one meaning is leveled up, it can also actually be counter-productive and polarizing.

I have tried to actually resist focusing on labels because they sort of divide and they put people in boxes. I’d rather focus on the ideal of what they're trying to do. And, for me, equality simply means that one will believe all human beings are created equal. In fact, with HeForShe what we are trying to do (despite the name sounding quite binary), is to acknowledge that equality benefits all of us. So, I tend not to focus on the labels, but rather focus on the meaning of the work, which is: do you believe in equality for everyone?

Can you share any news about HeForShe Arts Week, 2017? 

Yes. This is an exciting topic. We're always trying to figure new things out — again, given the agents around this matter, and knowing that if you highlight the timeline, it's not positive. It's more in terms of “if we continue business as usual it's going to take us forever.” You and I will probably never see an equal world. But we can't wait that long. Arts Week was actually inspired by a very simple idea, New York Restaurant Week. I remember being in New York the first time living here, and seeing that there was this thing called New York Restaurant Week. And I thought, "Well, these people can celebrate food and eating for an entire week. Surely, we should be able to celebrate gender equality for more than just a day, which is March the 8th."

So we created Arts Week as a way to rally the art community around gender equality. During this week, March 8th to March 15th, as we raise awareness of gender equality, we also call on our partners to also fundraise for us. They identify a day where they give a percentage of their proceedings to women, to advance the work on gender equality. And, in addition to New York, we also have about six or seven cities in 2017 including London and Paris.

That's amazing.

One of our goals is to make sure that we continue to come up with innovative approaches that do some things. We have to take the UN to the people. This is a movement for the people by the people, so we need to find a way that we can be out there with them instead of inviting them to come to the UN. Arts Week enables us to do that, to go into communities, to empower them to come up with their own performances.