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adhdtsukasa · 7 months ago

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tsukasa tenma has ADHD!! except it's an actual analysis because 1. look at my url 2. i'm mentally unwell (and i started to love tsukasa mostly because i immediately recognized my ADHD traits in him). which is a thing i should probably leave for ADHD awareness month, HOWEVER!! it was my birthday yesterday and i wanted to spoil myself (i just kinda overlooked how much time writing it from scratch would take me, so i'm a bit late with it). and i reaaally don't wanna wait until november when i finally wrote it down because i'm so HYPED because i was preparing for it like what? two years? somewhere around it. and that's a LONG time.

please keep in mind that i'm no psychologist, psychiatrist nor a neurologist and while i do use some sources (cannot really confirm if they are true, though... because i forgot to write credits down... so i'm really sorry for that), most of this analysis was just based off on my personal experiences with the disorder (and i don't really have the full professional knowledge of what i struggle with i'm just a Boy). i mean, i am analyzing a character from a hatsune miku game. i think i'm already putting way too many effort than i should.

also the examples of tsukasa's behavior here are not all of the things, because i wrote down only the things i remember off from the top of my head. sorry, guys. my hyperactive ass is not sitting thru all the stories again just to get my crumbs, unfortunately.

anyways, with this a little bit unprofessional and messy introduction, let's get it started!

1. THE MAIN PART OF THIS WHOLE THING, AKA HOW THE ADHD SYMPTOMS CORRESPOND TO TSUKASA'S BEHAVIOR

i wanted to write it down in my own words, but i think the screen above has summed it up perfectly; there are some established symptoms of ADHD, but to be an ADHDer you don't have to experience them all. and this is going to explain why i'm gonna show a lot of these symptoms later, yet gonna connect only some of them with tsukasa. it's only these i have evidence for, and yet i think they're good enough to point at tsukasa and already say woah! an ADHDer!!

in short, there are three types of ADHD: hyperactive, inattentive (ADD) and combined. the combined one is the most common iirc, so that's also what i'm going to focus on today. especially since for a rep of the other types, i could say that shizuku's a rather great representation of ADD — but that's not the point of my ted talk today, so i'm not going to go into the detail about it. i'm sure some momojan or shizuku oshi would do better than me in this field, so i'm leaving it to the experts.

these are the symptoms that i managed to gather — the first two screens being about the symptoms viewed in children, the last one being about the symptoms viewed in adults. "in which one of them tsukasa belongs to?" that's a good question, because i actually don't know. calling a high schooler a child doesn't sit quite right with me, yet a freshly turned 17/18-years-old is not exactly an adult, either (although most of the symptoms i'm analyzing come from these that are viewed in adults). and while i do think tsukasa has more of the symptoms viewed in adults, we're gonna analyse them all! because i'm putting my all into this.

FORGETFULNESS

i believe there's not much left to say, as this is the most obvious one and everyone already knows that. even though it's not touched that much anymore for some reason, tsukasa's forgetfulness is his very apparent trait. it varies in severity a lot of times: from him basically forgetting both his childhood and true feelings in the main story to him, for example, forgetting his own phone and lunch (in the same day!!) in hinamatsuri. even saki in the same event, while they were arguing, called him a "big, dumb forgetter" and assumed that he forgot what happened the day he brought her the hinamatsuri dolls to hospital. while forgetting basically half of your life is not exactly normal and can be a sign of something bigger, like dissociative amnesia, his forgetting of just the ordinary things and it happening a lot definitely still fits this trait.

EXCESSIVE TALKING/PHYSICAL MOVEMENT

while this is something that you'd rather connect to emu (and for a good reason), it's not like tsukasa is completely devoid of it either; he talks a lot. he moves a lot. it's not on emu's level of hyperactivity, but it's also not "a lot" that's taken as a social norm, based on how the people around him react. he's putting the 1 in oddball 1 2, after all.

in holy night or some side stories connected to it (it might be meiko's side story? but i'm not exactly sure) it was also said that tsukasa moves in his sleep a lot to this point that his parents have to leave his christmas presents under his door instead of next to his bed.

oh, and he also talks to himself a lot. even in class, which was confirmed in chapter 6 of dazzling (or maybe even earlier, it's just the one moment that i remember). (but i'll get to this moment later on)

he says his long monologues, he strikes his poses at every occasion — and while i don't think that's the first thing you think of when you have "excessive talking/movement" in mind, for me it sure does count as it.

LITTLE OR NO SENSE OF DANGER

this point can seem rather weird, because "isn't tsukasa always riddiculed at rui's weird inventions"? well, yeah, he is, that is not a thing to deny. but he also agrees to try out most of them, if not all, if it's for the sake of the show. he's aware of what can happen, but he also doesn't back away if it means that he'll be one step closer to achieving his dream of stardom.

does it count as "little sense of danger"? well, i'm actually not sure, for me it doesn't, but maybe for someone it does. i'd say that's a rather weak point, but i wanted to include the explanation for the counterpoint of it — that's why i even mentioned it in the first place. i don't have a lot to say about this tbh.

update: oh, actually no, wait, i just remembered. remember how tsukasa in phoenix decided to not eat anything for three days just to be able to resonate with rio, while also having to do straining exercise on top of that? you certainly cannot say that's a safe thing to do, but he still went along with that in order to get the role. it makes me come to a conclusion that tsukasa actually has a sense of danger, but sometimes chooses to willingly ignore it if only it makes him get closer to fulfilling his dream. i think it's coming close enough to the little/no sense of danger to be actually considered an ADHD trait.

DIFFICULTY KEEPING QUIET

while i'm not sure if what i'm going to talk about is a difficulty keeping quiet in a traditional sense of way, it definitely counts as it, somehow: tsukasa is loud. like, really loud. and that's another obvious fact both for us and for characters in-universe, especially when thinking of tsukasa shiho's first thought is that he's kinda noisy, which can be seen in the "a friend's brother" 1koma. (and probably a lot of other cases. free shiho.)

tsukasa doesn't seem to realize that he's way louder than he should be and that him being loud is his first impression in most of the cases, though, or at least i don't remember any moment where it happens (and it's a possibility. then that's on me, i guess.). and yeah, i know what's the reason for it, obviously — he's supposed to be a comic relief character. because wansho's stories are mostly supposed to make you smile, as this is what wansho's aspiration is. however, as much as being intended to make the viewer laugh it wouldn't be, it still is a part of tsukasa's character, and a rather important one on top of that. his constant loudness is something that's definitely not considered normal by the society and could very well fit into this symptom.

and since i promised to elaborate on the mentioned before scene from dazzling chapter 6: when tsukasa talks to himself in class, it always ends up to be loud. and it already happened a few times.

(tl by tsukasa's #3 fan on youtube because i don't have proseka on my phone wah)

if it's not a difficulty keeping quiet, then i don't know what is. bro can scream up to 120dB as measured by robonene for god's sake.

IRRITABILITY/QUICK TEMPER

again, this is something that was more apparent with early game tsukasa, maybe he just got medicated. idk man. but even if it happened three, almost four years ago, it still happened, i don't make the rules. back in the early game, tsukasa was really easily losing his temper and getting annoyed, mad even — i mean, that was the whole point of the main story argument: tsukasa's first response to nene accidentally messing up their show, which was not even her fault, was to shout at her. and while this was obviously very important thing to him and being upset at this is a rather understandable reaction, taking this as far as screaming at a poor girl for not being to face the audience because of her anxiety is not something a person who can control their anger would do.

it could be also easily seen by his reaction to emu and rui's antics back in the early game, which were often stained with irritation.

another example is his hinamatsuri argument with saki, where, despite loving her so much, he still got slightly mad at her for not liking the new dolls he bought her. he started to regret his harsh words and actions soon enough, obviously, but it doesn't change the fact that it was rather easy for him to get him across.

INABILITY TO DEAL WITH STRESS

if i'm not mistaken, tsukasa has once said something along the lines of "is it anxiety? there's no way a star like me would feel anxiety" — but i cannot recall for the love of my life in which story it appeared, so i don't want to take it as a face value when i don't have a solid proof for it.

other than this vague mention of "something that's in the story but i don't remember where", i'll admit, i don't really have anything backing me up for this tbf. i mean, i guess maybe tsukasa doing his best to appear strong as a child to not worry his parents could work? because the stress of saki being in the hospital definitely was also present here, although i just see this more as a coping mechanism for his situation than a reaction to stress, so that's not a solid evidence either.

so, yeah. take this one with a grain of salt, actually.

from the symptoms that weren't listed here, i remember reading something about people with ADHD enjoying to show off more, which is certainly what tsukasa does often — and while it actually applies to me too, it wasn't on an english site so i didn't screenshot it and i cannot really find it anywhere in english... so even though i treat it just like my whole argument for the inability to deal with stress, i thought it's just worth mentioning.

however, there is obviously one more thing...

HYPERFIXATION/SPECIAL INTEREST

obviously, i'm talking about acting here: for tsukasa, acting aligns with all these criterias. it is his deep passion; it is something highly engaging for him; it is sometimes all-consuming for him; he tunes out the world around him when he thinks about how can he possibly improve his acting (see: the dazzling moment i showed earlier. yeah, i like to use it as a backing point a lot, as you can see.); and it is something that is his life-long interest.

is it his special interest or his hyperfixation, though? well, it's hard to tell...? because while according to screen two, spinterest revolves around a topic and hyperfixation revolves around an activity, so it would qualify what tsukasa feels towards acting as a hyperfixation, it's still kinda hard for me to call it so because of its length. yes, screen three clearly says that hyperfixation can last years, but they mostly revolve around shorter periods of time, after all (my longest hyperfixation was just a year long, for example). i think it's up to you to determine whether you'd call tsukasa's love for acting a hyperfixation or a special interest, but it's something from these two most certainly.

i'm also a big fan of the headcanon that tsukasa's other spinterest is kaito ww it's in no way a canon evidence (unfortunately!), but kaito's 1* side story, where tsukasa and emu are watching kaito's show and tsukasa is explaining to her why kaito's wearing a scarf somewhat implies that tsukasa knew a thing or two about kaito before the main story. and i'm all for it. colopale let tsukasa be a kaito fanboy pleaseee.

2. I REALLY LIKE ANALYZING SONGS, IF YOU CAN'T TELL

those who have already read a few of my things probably know what i love to do the most — analyzing songs!! so i wouldn't be myself if i just left tsukasa's commisions without analyzing them under the angle of neurodivergence, especially since the sole reason i became obsessed with the thought of ADHD tsukasa was that one sekahaji line (there's too much noise, so much noise and it keeps getting worse you will always be famous).

of course, remember that only the world hasn't even started yet should be taken as a canon value! producers are often given space to do whatever they want in the lyrics of the songs they are commissioned for, so they're not canonical in any way. i think it's still fun to look at their lyrics and ramble about them for a bit, though. i've already got too carried away anyways.

won't be posting photos of the lyrics since i'd hit the images limit, but you can check them yourself — all the translations i'm taking, as always, from the vocaloid lyrics wiki. (since filament fever has two tls on there, i want to clarify that i've only looked at and considered in my analysis the official english one, because it's, well, official.)

THE WORLD HASN'T EVEN STARTED YET

besides the mentioned earlier there's too much noise, so much noise and it keeps getting worse, which i think of as a representation of overstimulation (since i used to see people asking "oh but why tsukasa has something about there being too much noise in a song made out of his feelings when he's such a loud person himself". because he likes the noise he makes, not the overwhelming, overstimulating noise from the outside!!), sekahaji also has a rather good amount of quotes that could be read as something connected to neurodivergence (based on the fact that it's not supposed to be a song about this topic): the main theme of these are procrastination, which can be seen in let's cross the end of all of this, partying forever and the world hasn't even started yet line itself. the thought of the world not even starting implies that there's still a lot of time left to do something, while "partying forever" can refer to deciding to give up on doing the things you should do and going to drown in something that indulges only you and yourself for the rest of eternity. while procrastination is not counted as an official ADHD symptom, it's a trait that people with the disorder very often have (for reasons obvious).

other lines, which i couldn't entirely fit into a box of a certain symptom, are there's too much conflict, so much conflict and it keeps growing (a parallel line to the noise one, so it means something! right) and let's break the plans for a harmonious future. in my personal interpretation, they both can be viewed as your typical neurodivergent struggle in a neurotypical society — "too much conflict" refering to an internal struggle of not being completely normal, while the "harmonious future" that's going to get broken are just the social norms that are going to be broken because of an off-putting, neurodivergent behavior. something that some neurotypical people dooon't really like.

TONDEMO-WONDERZ

since i've just talked about breaking the social norms, "why?!" and "do it like this!!" aren't like you, huh? line from tondemo-wonderz is going to go first, because it revolves around the same topic. it's the same case: it's about (subconscious, not intentional) fighting what's accepted by the society by just being yourself — because you're neurodivergent, you're different.

from the other lines in tondemo-wonderz, i have only one and it's take an eraser to your memories?!, which is pretty much self explanatory. as always, a mention of forgetting something in tsukasa's commision. who would've thought.

88 SHOOTING STARS

another self explanatory line that i have written down as first: it's okay if you only remember a little part of it sometimes. another mention of tsukasa forgor™, and while it corresponds with what happened in dazzling, it's still a line mentioning forgetfulness — so it's worth mentioning.

aren't we just inevitably going around in circles? and it's okay if you take a rest for a little bit sometimes can be interpreted as another mention of procrastination and while it's not that apparent as it was with sekahaji, because going in circles can refer to something else and taking a rest sometimes is not a bad thing at all, i still wanted to mention them here. for the record.

you ought to slip and fall in panic in the final moment is connected to a symptom that i showed, yet didn't elaborate on it (because i didn't have anything to work with) — making careless mistakes. the same case, yet with another symptom goes with is this not enough yet again? is this not how it's supposed to be? couldn't we go even further than this?, which can be seen as a reflection of unability to listen to instructions. a bit of reaching with this one (like this whole part damn), but as i said earlier: for the record, i'm leaving it here. to show that i had some intense thoughts.

tbf, when i think about it now, maybe the mentioned earlier "why?!" and "do it like this!!" aren't like you [...] could very well fit this symptom too.

MR SHOWTIME

mr showtime you will always be famous, because this is a song that gave me a looot of things to work with. i was so flabbergasted when i read these lyrics for the first time. tsukasa tenma why are you like this. /aff

there are a lot of lines hinting being easily distracted, and these are basically the very first ones, too: you know what? i just can't make up my mind, it's so messed up that i can't put my thoughts together and a merry-go-round (my thought process) goes round and round are all about it. like you cannot deny it this time, if it's not about being unable to stay focused then i really don't know what is [insert the tsukasa don't look away stamp here because i love it and it's my biggest motivation to actually focus whenever i do something]. the more i mess around and waste time, the more i become hungry / and i can't handle it can be seen as about procrastination again, and even not "can be seen", it's literally being frustrated at yourself for wasting time, that's the sole outcome of a procrastination!! being bothered by feeling anxious, meanwhile, is resonating with the inability to deal with stress once again.

also jumping the gun. driving in a zigzag manner can actually connected with the little to no sense of danger. because, as far as i'm aware, driving in a zigzag manner is certainly not a safe activity. don't do it at home.

from the symptoms that i haven't yet mentioned to this point, am i taking a long way? am i making a fruitless effort? can be reflecting difficulty organizing tasks — since the poor planning of your activities can make you take a long way and can make you do a fruitless effort. then, where's the fun in taking shortcuts all the time? can be read along the lines of something coming close to extreme impatience and while a person that's extremely impatient would actually enjoy taking the shortcuts to get closer to their goal or destination, said impatience can be also connected with the desire for something interesting to happen. a task can make you impatient not because it's long, but because it's simply boring — avoiding shortcuts can make it less boring, even if it extends its duration. with this explanation, it makes the unexpectedness (unexpected program) is the best part of the show (my life) perfectly fit into this category, even though i wouldn't call this line a sign of impatience on its own.

i have some issues with i'm pathetic. i can't satisfy myself, because... at first i thought of connecting it with either mood swings or inability to deal with stress, however i'm not sure if that's really it. i'm pretty sure it connects to neurodivergence in some way, but i just can't put my finger on it, so... i'm just leaving it here for the record, once again.

oh, and there's also i got lost in the world (stage) and / the end credits rolled (the curtain fell), which also is pretty much summing up the experience of being neurodivergent in the neurotypical society. in the middle of trying to stay true to yourself and having to mask just to be accepted, it's easy to get lost — and once you do so, there's no going back. the curtain falls.

to end this part of the analysis, i'd show the lyrics from filament fever and sekai wo terasu tetrad here. i won't do this, however, and the reason for it is fairly simple — they don't give me much material to work with and i'm not really surprised, because mr showtime has succesfully sucked all of the neurodivergent coded lyrics into itself. there just won't be another song like mr showtime, i fear.

i can just say that in filament fever there is running away from the flow of time — which got me thinking of either procrastination and unability to stick to time-consuming tasks, with the former being more plausible as a potential interpretation... but that would be it.

3. NAKAYAMA IS A METAPHOR FOR NEURODIVERGENT MASKING AND IT'S THE STUPIDEST THING I'VE EVER SAID BUT YOU HAVE TO HEAR ME OUT ON THIS

listen, i know how it sounds.

i'm not actually a fan of trying to fit every thing a character does into a box of a metaphor, symbol or allegory, i really am not. i think some things should just stay as simple as they are, but this thought has been bothering me ever since i've first seen spoilers of what's happening in a story where you're the star for the very first time. i'm in no way saying it has any canonical meaning, but i just thought it would be fun to include. because maaaybe someone sees my vision.

for those who haven't seen tsukasa4 yet or want to have a recap of what has happened in it: the whole event story revolves around tsukasa trying to grasp his role (as always). wxs got recommended to shunmei-za by shousuke and went there to practice their acting skills, immediately getting thrown onto the preparation for their next performance. tsukasa, however, is not a lead this time — he got the role of a supporting character and has got basically three lines to say on stage total. since tsukasa's used to playing lead roles, he obviously has issues with grasping the role — it's hard to use method acting in regards of a character that says three sentences total and nothing more. with help of bakuno reki, one of the actors in shunmei-za, and the rest of wxs, he manages to create a portrayal of nakayama that would make him "come to life" and "be a protagonist of his own story", something that would make it easier for him to get into role, however...

he gets a little bit too carried away with his acting during the actual performance.

and this is not something that would ruin the whole play, obviously, he's just a supporting character, the less invested audience would probably forgot about his impact on the story after five minutes of his last appearance — but he still made a slip-up. he still resonated with his role, but didn't achieve the utmost perfection. he still did well acting, after all, he managed to receive praise from the director in the end... but it's still a very apparent mistake that was made.

(tl, once again, by the awesome tsukasa's #3 fan)

and that's where the nakayama masking metaphor theory (it's not even a theory but it sounds cooler this way) comes in.

nakayama is supposed to be just a man. from what we know about him, he's in his late twenties and works as an editor — and even though tsukasa makes up a whole backstory for him later on, he's still supposed to be ordinary. nothing special. he's coming nowhere near the other roles that tsukasa has played, he's not on the same level as miles, torpe and rio. and while you could possibly consider torpe and rio as rather ordinary, they still had something interesting to happen to them, the main reason why they were lead roles for their respective plays. in the tsukasa4 play, nakayama has nothing like that. he's literally just a guy, he's normal. and "normal" is a keyword here.

tsukasa did everything he could to fit into nakayama's role. he followed the script, he took the advice from a more talented and professional actor that is bakuno, he didn't do any mistakes during his preparations — and yet he still managed to mess up in the end. why?, besides of the fact that he just let himself become one with nakayama during the performance and it resulted in a supporting character outshining the lead?

if we take as a fact that tsukasa is, in fact, neurodivergent, it would make sense that he's having troubles with playing a normal person — because he's not exactly normal either. and this would very well work out as a metaphor of masking; even when you try your best, even when you mask yourself perfectly, you can still make slip-ups. you can still accidentally drop the act in middle of something that absolutely required it, or, similiar to what tsukasa did, can accidentally overdo it and end up perceived as even more weird than you'd be without masking. something something i got lost in the world and the end credits rolled. rings a bell?

and i'm not saying that tsukasa has a problem with masking, because he doesn't. he tries his best to pass as a normal member of society, but he also makes no effort in actively masking his weirdness (or else he wouldn't be a part of oddball one two). however, if you want to neurodivergent code your character, it would make sense to include a possibility of it in some way, right? especially since wxs stories' already had the theme of dealing with being perceived as weird (eg. rui's whole backstory, obviously). even if it's not affecting tsukasa directly, i think it would be cool to include something that indicates this issue's existence in his story and, in a way, his struggles.

however, as i said earlier, this is a very stupid thought and that's why i left it for the very end. i don't actually think that how tsukasa played nakayama was supposed to be a metaphor for masking, it's just a pure coincidence that it could be interpreted like that when you think about it too much.

aaand with this, we've finally come to an end!! (finally. i'm so exhausted.) i don't have anything more to say about this topic. maybe i'll retweet it with some more evidence in the future if we ever get more ADHDkasa content. for now, it would be all!

is tsukasa actually intentionally written as an ADHDer? Who Knows! there's a possibility that he is, but even if he's not, he's still one in my heart. regardless of the status of his possible neurodivergence, analyzing his behavior in this light was still very fun! and maybe i even converted someone into the ADHDkasa hell.

feel free to add something if you want to, and feel free to correct me if i got some things wrong! i still hope that even though of how messy this whole thing is written, i did tsukasa justice and didn't accidentally say too much nonsense lmao

...i hate ending analyses.

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andromeddog · 2 months ago

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helllooooooooo love!! this is your secret santa, whispering on the wind to you... 🌬❄️

i am incredibly honored to be making something for you for this event - your art is absolutely breathtaking! you are such an icon in this fandom!! thank you for sharing you beautiful work with us, and hopefully this will be something to show in return how much you are loved and admired!!

a few questions to help me as i start thinking about what to make:

carwood lipton!! the man himself!! is there a scene or two of his that are your favorite, or you feel really encapsulates him? is there a look of his that's your favorite (in the ardennes, church scene, sweater at the movie, lieutenant dress outfit, arms out, etc)? are there any songs/lyrics that really speak to you for him OR for speirton??

i cannot wait to get started!!! and again, thank YOU for being such a beautiful part of this fandom!!

-😘🌬❄️

OUWAH AH AHHH AH 😭 hi anon!!!!! god thank u for the kind words… it is quite literally my pleasure to be making work in this fandom, there is def something to be said about fans of series that are 20+ years old hahah (they’re the best and i love them) everyone is so sweet and so lovely in the tags…

let’s get to the man the myth the legend carwood lipton. to prevent blasting everyone’s dash i’ve put my answers under a cut! but u should check out the visuals lol

okay let’s see hmmm i want to say the entirety of episode 7 lol. BUT i feel like lips best scenes aka the scenes that feel like they are when he is The Most Lipton… like i mean it’s gotta be the bombardment scenes for me… you get such a good range of who he is there! he’s first running through the forest while everything is exploding (both to find somewhere to hide but also yelling at the boys to find cover, to get to safety - bc he is a good leader and cares about them) then he’s in this half dug foxhole laughing his ass off with death staring him in the face (his monologue in this bit is so good, HES INSANE THERE IS SOMETHING DEEPLY WRONG WITH HIM <3) and as soon as that’s over he’s the first to get up and check on everyone, while telling the boys to stay put and stay safe (selfless team mom, again being the leader easy needs when dike isn’t)

really any of his scenes in the forest… i know that’s a lot but he’s just the best guy. like hes obviously suffering but he’s pulling through, he’s helping everyone dig holes and fortify cover and keeping their spirits up, he’s cracking jokes and letting them make fun of his nuts (lol) bc he knows it lightens the mood… and then the way he swipes luz’s cigarette after that dud almost

kills him is just… too good he’s like fuck this forest fuck this war and fuck me too give me that damn thing neow.

id be remiss not to mention The Church Scene also. humble king just went through every layer of hell and dragged easy company out with him and is still like ???? leader? who, me???? no sir couldn’t be. lipton i want to bite you. also also being like idgaf about any war crimes this weirdo may or may not have committed as long as you look after my boys you are good in my book. one of the only guys who is normal around speirs (tho again there is something deeply wrong w lipton so maybe that has something to do w it lol)

for lip songs…

bridge over troubled water by simon and garfunkel

learning to fly by pink floyd

for speirton……….. (oof i have A Few but here is a selection)

orange colored sky by nat king cole

too sweet by hozier

put your head on my shoulder by paul anka

bury a friend by billie eilish (LOLLL)

i wish i had something more articulate shit to say on lip and/or speirton but i am unfortunately kind of dumb and bad with character analysis 😭 ive tried my hand at writing fic for them but to mixed success lol… like i draw pictures and even that i struggle with HAHA basically lip is babygirl my special little guy. if ur wondering why i haven’t drawn him more it’s bc donnie wahlberg’s face tortures me. if ur wondering why i haven’t drawn much speirton it’s bc if i think about them too hard i start having heart palpitations. oh my god. i’ve scoured every fic (and i mean every fic. multiple times) and their tags for every scrap of content for them bc OUGH!

also see my comprehensive lip look book:

#asks #anon #lollllllll carwood lipton i love u #i wish i had more coherent shit to say but alas. i’m dumb in the brain region

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soulshellcaseart · 4 months ago

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Hi hi I'm here with some more content for my little au of the celestial cafe bay! Tho from here I'll be changing the name of the fic I am writing for it to cafe love bites. I'm so very happy to actually have something to share on my silly little fic and I hope you guys will enjoy this little tad bit of the first chapter, that I have to share. However this is my first fic ever so do try not to take it that seriously.

A surprise guest!

For as long as you could remember you've always wanted to run a cafe of your own,and help make people's day a little bit better by giving them a place to rest or just help by getting them something to help start their day. Unfortunately the world or the universe, whatever governs your existence, didn't make achieving that dream easy. A lot of things were thrown your way but you finally got your business off the ground! Finally opening up a place called the Celestial cafe bay and so far it's going pretty decent.a little bit more than you expected but nothing you can't handle,right?..

Wrong. You were very wrong. Everything was a lot harder to do alone than you expected, turns out your cafe is a lot more popular than you imagined. You expected to get one to two customers a week ,but not 10 or 20 customers every day of the week! You're already struggling to keep up with the supply and demand, having to wake up early every day to set up the cafe,prep and prepare the baked goods. You have to bake bread and cupcakes, put frosting on the pastries , make the bagel sandwiches and sometimes make yourself some breakfast with a cup of coffee.but who has time to eat breakfast when you have customers to serve. Besides all the money you earn helps pay all the loans you've acquired trying to start up the cafe and a couple small upgrades to the cafe's aesthetic .Should you probably hire someone to help with the cafe? Yes most likely but you hardly have time for that with how you're running the cafe and barely being good at managing your own time , much less someone else's . It's hard to run the cafe by yourself but you guess this is what you should expect running a business by yourself. Especially when you have a hard time getting to sleep ,so you fall asleep on the couch watching tv most nights.

So here you are again waking up on the couch, with the tv still running. You feel groggy and disgruntled with dried saliva on your face. Pushing yourself up, your body makes its protests known as the joints of your hands and elbows ache. You groan, wiping the sweat off your brow before reaching for the remote and turning off the Tv.

You get up with a stretch before making your way to the stairs to start your day.Making your way to the kitchen you hear The whirl of the winds followed by sounds of the heavy pitter patter of the storm outside. You yawn , walking into the kitchen flipping the switch next to the door frame .Pushing back the curtain, you enter the room. passing by the tall and lanky figure in your kitchen, to close the window blocking out the sound of the pouring rain outside. now hearing the subtle whirring and clicks of the fans of something Similar to a sound that you would think an animatronic would make. But you didn't leave a fan on did you? Wait actually you don't have a fan at all in the kitchen , last you checked. So where's that sound coming from?..

You blink and yawn, rubbing out the sleepiness that lingers in your eyes before turning around and finally fully acknowledging the tall ass animatronic that was standing right behind you. Staring up at it now you feel almost speechless and dumb founded, as you watch the Sun-like animatronic come to life. Stunted by this sudden turn of events you are unable to find the words to speak as its eyes settle on you . Feeling the air rise with tension the longer you both stare at each other in shock and bewilderment. You fumble as you try to speak still trying to wrap your head around the situation only managing a small squeak before it screams and you scream in turn started by it screaming and confusion as to how it got here.you point at it, stumbling back a little barely missing the puddle behind you as it settles in that there's a animatronic in your kitchen! Your scream rising a pitch as the life from its eyes flicker out, falling back as it's scream was cut short. You stumble back nearly tripping over yourself in the process, falling back into the big puddle of water by the window.

#fnaf dca #loco's writing #daycare attendant #sundrop #sundrop and moondrop #dca #moondrop #celestial cafe bay au #fnaf daycare attendant #x reader #daycare attendant x reader #im not great at writing but im trying!#hope you enjoyed it

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derfpossessions · 2 years ago

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Influencer My Ass

2 days before the entering.

While at the gym, Xara noticed that there was someone distinctively familiar working out nearby. And there he was, Jeremy. He just finished lifting weights as he passed by Xara. She was in a lot of disgust as she saw him rub off the sweat that accumulated over his glistening body.

“Look at this dumb jackass.. so that’s the boy Sheryl was drooling over about.”

Jeremy then saw Xara staring at him and asked.

“Hey, have we met before?”, he asked.

“Obviously not.”, said Xara

“Well, do you follow me on tiktok? haha”, Jeremy jokingly said.

“Maybe if YOU were my type. Adios.” Said by an annoyed Xara as she left to go to the change rooms.

“Damn… what did I do?”, Jeremy wondered while looking at her leave.

1 day before the entering.

Xara then went to school with her bestfriend Sheryl. Xara was disgusted to see that Sheryl is thirsting over Jeremy on her phone while they were having a conversation.

“Don’t tell me you’re sweating over that goddamn Jeremy again.” Xara angrily said.

“What?? I find him hot thats all!” Sheryl said.

“Well fuck him. He’s not gonna be a good cause to you. None of those boys will.” Xara replied.

“Listen, Xara. It’s not my fault that you’re queer and so isn’t it yours. It’s TOTALLY FINE if you’re not into men. I get it! But why is it you always wanted me to stop getting one?! I just don’t get it!” Sheryl said with an increasing tone.

“Because I love you!!” Xara screamed.

Both of them went silent. There wasn’t any reply after that. Both of them are in 2nd year University but Xara is at the Arts department, while Sheryl is at Life Sciences. They both parted ways as they went to each of their classrooms.

Sheryl didn’t responded to any of Xara’s messages that day. Night came and Xara’s shift at Starbucks was finally over. She went home and found that Sheryl was already asleep, and she must’ve been avoiding her.

Since Sheryl doesn’t like going to parties and obliged Xara to not to as well, Xara broke her rules and decided to go to the next dorm’s House uni party.

There were lots of people from various departments. It was a way of making fun and making friends.

Xara was sitting alone at the bar counter when suddenly she was offered a drink by a strange woman.

“This your first time?”, asked by the lady.

“Yes. how do you know?”, asked Xara.

“Well, I can read people’s minds. And as I’m reading yours right now, I can tell you have problems.” “Love problems.” said by the Lady.

“Look strange girlie, I don’t know how you’ve managed to dose yourself on drugs this early onto the party but I’m not having it.” Xara started to get frustrated.

“Chillax, hehehe.. I am actually for real. Trust me, I need you to take these pills. These are VERY helpful and is specific for your needs.” The lady replied.

“What needs exactly?” asked Xara.

“Well you wanted to love your bestie right? But she loves a cutie boy? How unfortunate!” the lady giggles.

“Hey stop it! Its NOT funny!”, Xara started to get mad.

“Now now… If you take these pills, you will be able to make her fall in love with you. Well not exactly you though.. if you know what I mean.” the lady said.

“What do you mean..?” Xara asked.

“Dumbass! Do you not get it yet!?! I’m an astral projector! A body snatcher! You should be lucky I’m using my original form right now!” the lady started to get mad.

“Wha..What?!? You could do that?!” Xara got curious.

“Yes! Now hurry up and practice! The process would take an hour!” the lady advised her.

“Well.. who do I use this on though??” Xara asked.

“Well who ELSE would it be besides the boy she’s been THIRSTING over!” the lady replied.

“Je..Jeremyy??? Ewww.. but if I have no choice then.. so be it.” Xara reluctantly agreed.

“FINALLY! Took you long enough to agree. The people who masturbate are waiting!!” the lady said.

“Here’s my address. Visit me once all is finished. I want you to see playing that hunk well. Bye bye now.” the lady left.

Xara went home to her bedroom. Sheryl was still wide asleep. She then looked at the pills while sitting at her bed. There were six of those pills.

“Interesting… maybe I should practice doing it like she said??” Xara then swallowed one to see what will happen.

Intensely, she suddenly had a seizure. Her vision was starting to darken, and she lost her senses of the surroundings. She tried to grasp for air but it was too late. She passed out on her bed.

After a few seconds, Xara woke up, but to her surprise her body was no longer physical. She saw her body laying on the ground while she floats mid-air. She phased through the walls and saw Sheryl sleeping tight.

“Woah… this is soo scary…”

Xara then tried to touch Sheryl, but before she could even do so, she suddenly got warped back, sending her back to her own body.

Xara woke up gasping and panting. It turns out the astral projection only has a limited amount of time before you would return back into your own body. It takes practice to stay as a spirit for longer periods of time, but to do so, the person would have to inhabit another person’s body to prolong the process.

Xara plotted her plan to win her love’s heart. Things are about to go wild and sinister from this point on.

The DAY of the entering.

The day has finally come. Xara’s plans to take Jeremy’s body has taken into motion.

All was set. The pills, the emergency note contact, and the nitroglycerin patch mixed with sedatives. More details on that.

As Xara left the dorm, Sheryl had already went ahead to her class without waiting for Xara.

As she exited the door she paused and went like, “Shit. How do I know where to find him though??”

She took a bus ride and sat down. She opened TikTok and to her luck, Jeremy recently posted a new Tiktok. She knew where she would find him at this time, at the gym.

Jeremy had just finished doing his legs workout. He decided to take a break and sit down. He was planning to get home.

Xara then overheard him calling someone and was planning to depart the gym, so Xara acted very quickly.

She followed him into the change room, which of course was a tough process and suspicious since she was a woman entering the men’s room. Then she saw Jeremy sitting and getting his clothes. He was packing up and was about to leave. Xara then sneaked up behind the lockers and pulled out the pills. To her surprise, she knocked over a water bottle which caused Jeremy to catch her.

“Hey! What the hell are you doing here?!?” Jeremy got shocked. “Hold on. You’re that rude girl who walked out on me at the gym 2 days ago! Are you stalking me?!” Jeremy said.

“No.. no! I can explain! I can explain!” Xara got nervous.

“I’m giving you 2 minutes before I call the cops. How do I know you’re not some stalker trying to kill me?!” Jeremy backed away.

“Ok look. My little sister is a big fan of you. Sorry if I was bit rude before ok? I was just annoyed by the fact that she keeps talking about you whenever I meet her! You understand?” Xara lyingly said.

“Well.. that makes me feel a little bit better. Haha! Sorry! Is there anything I could help?” He replied.

“Well there is one request I have… can I take a selfie with you?” She replied.

“No problem! Come here bestie!” Jeremy said.

He didn’t knew that were his last words that day. Xara, with her smart moves, slowly pulled out the nitroglycerin patch as she came closer. She followed the lady’s advice one by one.

“Those patches contain nitroglycerin mixed with sedatives. That would make him black out and faint as soon as you put it in. While you are in his body, DO NOT take that out. You will be immediately ejected out of his body as soon as you do so.”

As Xara came closer to him, Jeremy pulled out the camera to open snapchat.

“Are you ready? You wanna make your sister jealous?” He asked.

“Oh for sure I do.” She said.

“One more thing though, I think this patch would look HOT on you don’t it? This would make you feel and act weird!” She added.

“What.. Oh well, just to make your sister happy I guess!” Both chuckled as she put on the patch.

Jeremy then begin to stutter as he finished taking the photo. He tried reaching for Xara but he just saw Xara standing in front of him before finally losing consciousness.

“You dumb fucking jock. It’s my time to take control of the controller.” Xara grinned.

She then swallowed one of the pills.

“Swallow one of those pills. Then do EXACTLY what you have practiced. When you’re a spirit, enter his body as soon as you can. Be careful though, some spirits might be lurking around in the shadows.”

She went closer to the unconscious Jeremy and started to enter his body. He was lying straight down with his head up, so she positioned herself in the same pose as him.

As her spirit sinks into the body of Jeremy, her arms begin to fit in his like a jacket, her legs began to sink to his legs like pants. She could feel the warmth of Jeremy’s body and the coldness of the floor as she starts to feel her senses return. As her body merges with his, she slowly felt the blood rush in, and later on, she placed her head onto his. It was like wearing a mask, pushing herself down his chin first then starting to see the world through his eyes. Then, it was finished. The possession is complete.

Xara blinked twice to see that she was now laying down the floor. She smelled like sweat mixed with musk. She first got disgusted by the odor so she tried getting up.

Then she tried to open her phone just to see that the Face ID wasn’t working. She opened the camera then soon realized she succeeded. She IS Jeremy now.

She then went to the mirror to feel her new body. Her shoulders were more large and formed, her chest flat, she touched Jeremy’s face and noticed that he had red parts on his skin.

“Wha..what…” She began to speak. She got shocked to how deep Jeremy’s voice is, and practiced speaking as to how he would do so.

“Hey it’s Jeremy! Your tiktoker influencer boy!” She chuckled. “I am going to have a LOT of FUN with this.”

She opened the camera and started recording herself. “Hey Sheryl whats up? You want me huh? Well I’m finally gonna notice you and give you ALLL the love!! Hehehe!”, “Jeremy” said.

And as to her original body, she put her body near the benches for the people to discover. She then prepare to leave the gym, but then realized she didn’t know where Jeremy lived. Good thing she could open his phone and look at the Maps app.

“He” then started to drive back to his home. Yes, HIS home now. As he was pulling over to the nearby gas station, he saw an ambulance at the gym. She then soon realized it was her original body getting pulled away in a stretcher.

“Jeremy” then asked one of the gym people who discovered the woman and asked, “Yo, what happened to that lady over there?”

“Bro I heard the paramedics say she passed out from too much work out I think. Some even said she went to a coma. She’s getting taken to the hospital immediately and her relatives have been contacted.” the dude said.

“Well, that sucks. Sucks to be her right?”, “Jeremy” chuckles as “he” walked away.

“He” then took a quick selfie of his patio.

“He” was a bit annoyed at how he smelled as he hasn’t changed his clothes yet, but did not bothered to change anyway as “he” ADORED this smell.

As Xara was laughing at Jeremy’s tiktoks, an idea came to her mind. She posted a snap with the caption, “I find all the Sheryl’s hot 🥵😍”. To her surprise, Sheryl, her bestfriend and crush, immediately replied to his snap story, saying “OMG MY NAME IS SHERYL XOXOOXO”. Xara didn’t know if she would be disappointed to how thirsty Sheryl was to Jeremy, or to be satisfied as she was NOW Jeremy.

“Jeremy” then began to make the move. “He” chatted her and the both began to flirt with each other. Jeremy and Sheryl were of the same age after all. Sheryl was so in love, and so is Jeremy, well not him but Xara. The both already said their interests, their horoscopes, zodiac signs, favorite Starbucks drinks, etc. It seemed like Jeremy and Sheryl seemingly share a lot of stuff with each other. The two already planned to meet, and Sheryl immediately wanted to be at a hotel already, but “Jeremy” told her to slow down.

“He” then took a quick thirst trap selfie to Sheryl, to which she adored and died on.

“He” was overfilled with joy. “His” plans had successfully worked so good. It felt like nothing or no one could stop “him” now.

As the night comes, Xara had finished scrolling through Jeremy’s gallery, his bank accounts, and text messages. She did an hours long study of his life, how he should act, and his friends and relatives. Her stalking made her tired, so she figured that she needed to take some sleep.

As she slowly lies down to rest though, Jeremy’s father came home.

“Jeremy! How’s my boy!” his dad excitingly asked.

“I’m.. I’m good.. father.” “Jeremy” nervously said.

“Father?!? What am I a priest? HAHAHAAHAH!” His dad laughed and they both giggled.

“What is that on your chest? Injured yourself?”

His dad was curious. Xara got more nervous. Her acts were starting to fall apart.

“Hold on a second. Are you taking steroids my boy? What’s going on?” Jeremy’s dad grew more curious.

“It’s.. it’s nothing! I swear! I’m fine dad!” “He” tried to back away.

“Are you taking steroids?!? Drugs?? Answer me! Why are you acting so weird??”, his dad grew more concerned.

Xara panicked and tried to run away, but Jeremy’s dad pulled Jeremy’s patch and immediately, Jeremy lost consciousness.

“Jeremy! What happened! Are you okay????” His dad tried to wake him up.

Jeremy then woke up. “What.. what happened??” He asked. “I was just at the gym earlier… I don’t remember anything.. I feel drugged..” He added while panting.

Xara was then standing behind them, but now as a spirit. Without a body she could no longer put the patch back. She was hopeless and defeated. She then got warped back to her body, where she woke up at the hospital.

— THE END... for now -

#male body possession #female to male possession

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dear-oizys · 3 months ago

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Ok I finished the third episode, fire made flesh, and the fourth episode, montendo of x men 97 and am like halfway through the fifth episode, remember it, together. So the events are a little bit blurred. But they were all awesome!! All the horror stuff looked sooooo good!!!!!

I kinda feel bad that Nathan had to go. And I feel bad for jean and scott. Jean cause she doesn't know who she is or who she was. And scott cause he didn't want to become like his dad and abandon he son but he had to. And of course because they had to give away their son too.

Goblin Queen is a dumb ass name but the character design was fucking awesome. Also FUCK YOU MISTER SINISTER!!!!! YOU HAVE A DUMBASS NAME!! CAN'T YOU COME UP WITH GOOD NAMES??????

I felt sooooo bad when storm started crying cause she couldn't feel the wind or the nature. I really want her to get her powers back. And Im kinda mad that Forge, even though it was an accident, he contributed in making those power supressants. But I get it and respect that he's trying to fix it and do better now.

Jubilee is so adorable. I love her. The being that was running the games was fucked up. Like why you wanna put people in tv shows and video games dude????

Im so happy about Genosha being accepted in the UN. The montage of everything in Genosha when the x men are approaching is soooooo heartwarming. Like everyone is here is able to be who they are without any restrictions and they are happy cause they are able to express themselves. That almost made me cry.

WHO IS KURT WAGNER!!!!!!!!!!! WHY IS HE SO CUTE AND ADORABLE?????? WHERE WAS THIS BLUE, TELEPORTING FUCKER WITH A TAIL ALL THIS TIME????????? I LOVE HIM!!!!!!!!!

Uhh I totally forgot but what hell was it in the middle when they said that the guy who built the sentiels had enslaved mutants???? And that storm, jubilee and gambit were slaves there?????????????????????

Also!!! Gambit!!! I feel so bad for him! I don't know why but I hate magneto and rouge being together so much. I mean I definitely get rouge and where she's coming from but still, like she should have broken up with remy before. And I also feel that remy should have tried to see that she was eventually gonna be with magneto and leave him but he trusted her.

I hate the news crew. They are trying to do something but it sounds very condescending.

Scott's breakdown. It was very justified but the place and the people and the time was a bit unfortunate for him. He really misses Nathan a lot. I kinda hope that in the future jean and him can get him back somehow.

Jean. Jean. Why are you kissing Logan. Why. You have a husband.

And Logan. You should have like pulled back immediately. But I appreciate you telling Jean immediately after to not do that.

I have very mixed feelings about Scott's and Jean's situation. Like he should not have been communicating with other Jean for like a month. But it's okay-ish ( kinda a grey area ) cause the other Jean is literally his son's mom. And Jean was totally right to be mad with scott had she not kissed logan. Like I would be on her side fully if she hadn't done that.

I was on the dance scene but my dad told me to go to sleep before I could finish the whole episode 😔

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emmersreads · 9 months ago

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Emma by Jane Austen | 2.5/5

I have been sitting on this negative review of Emma for over a year so pls pretend I am charmingly tortured by my mixed feelings for this beloved classic rather than just a little hater.

I decided to read Emma because the Austen girlies are unstoppable. Every day I wake up for my twelve hour shift in the content mines of tumblr.fuck (for the purpose of this sentence we are both grizzled elderly men sitting on a porch just go with it) and find another post about how Jane Austen is the best thing since before sliced bread. Eat your heart out Shakespeare; if only you’d done all your plays about falling in love. These posts are a bit of a mindfuck for me because as much as I love a costume drama, Austen’s actual novels have always been underwhelming. One of my best friends is an Austen girlie. She loves the things. I dunno man, these books do not spark joy. But maybe I was just young dumb and a hater. Emma (2020) is my favourite Austen movie, so when I decided to reinvestigate the author I thought I’d start there.

The movie is better than the book. Shocked gasps; questions asked at parliament.

Emma (2020) is a great adaptation in part because it’s well positioned to keep the best parts of the book. My favourite part of the novel was the dialogue, which the film is able to lift often ad verbatim (“Mother, you simply must sample the tart!”). The patter of conversation is excellent and Austen’s sense of humor comes across just as effectively on the page as it does when spoken aloud. To this the visual medium can add the incredible set design, including the beautiful Regency wallpapers, Emma’s many jackets and little hats, Anya Taylor Joy’s eyes that look like they’re exes trying awkwardly to avoid each other in the grocery store, Johnny Flynn as Mr. Knightley having a romantic tantrum so intense he has to take his pants off and lie on the floor. Relatable. These elements couldn’t be in the book even if Ms. Austen had wanted to describe Mr. Knightley’s buttock-baring emotion.

Unfortunately that paragraph has been my way of damning with faint praise. The inverse proposition of an adaptation that adds a lot of things I liked is the source material without much to like about it. This is a bit of a misrepresentation. I found most of the book to be funny and enjoyable in much the same vein of the movie: a gorgeously decorated vanilla sponge cake. I just hated the ending so much it retroactively ruined all 500 previous pages.

I don’t begrudge Ms. Austen’s choice to hew to the Georgian standards of propriety (hence no ass shots), but this is a safe space for us to admit that those standards have not all aged particularly well, or particularly sexily. I feel like I’ve been infected with terminal bookstagram brainworms. I also don’t want to be here arguing that a book published two hundred years ago is too old-fashioned for me. But at the same time so much of the narrative about Austen is a revisionist history of how all her work was secretly not only meaningful (this is true, Austen’s work is about capturing the atmosphere and concerns of a particular social milieu, which she does effectively; it’s not less worthy of capture because it’s a space exclusive to women), but progressive.

People love Austen. They love romance and they love period drama. They don’t love when that genre is criticized for being dated or regressive. I understand that people do not read these books for the 21st century social commentary or the politics. And I understand that a 21st century moral critique is ahistorical and in poor faith. Trust me, I feel the ‘just let people have fun’ brigade hanging over my head like the sword of fucking Damocles.

But here’s the thing folks, my largely pretty enjoyable read of Emma was soured by just that: important parts of it are dated and regressive and it ruined my day.

The premise of Emma is that the titular protagonist is a rich and witty young woman intent on meddling in the romantic lives of others, at their expense. At the conclusion of the film, Emma realizes she has behaved badly to her lower class friend Harriet by leading Harriet to overlook the farmer Robert Martin (Harriet’s social equal) in order to pursue the richer Mr. Erlton (her social superior). Emma apologizes to Harriet and tells her to reconsider her feelings for Robert Martin, which turn out to be genuine. Finally, when Harriet discovers that her father is a lower class merchant rather than a secret aristocrat, Emma says she will welcome Harriet into Hartfield anyway. It indicates that Emma has outgrown her judgemental nature and preoccupation with appropriate matches to see Harriet as a friend in spite of her being Emma’s social inferior. And they all live happily ever after.

In the novel, this resolution takes much much longer. Emma’s flaw is not that she toyed with her friend’s emotions to arrange a match that amused her, but that she encouraged Harriet to have uppity opinions and to seek to rise above her station. The story resolves with Emma and Harriet returning to their proper social classes, Emma with Mr. Knightley and Harriet with Robert Martin. Emma and Mr. Knightley commiserate over how foolish Emma was to befriend Harriet and how unpleasant Harriet has become now that she is a social climber, and Harriet is revealed to have been naturally ungrateful and grasping and unworthy of a young lady such as Emma’s friendship.

I’m not going to waste my time on whether this sort of thing was just as bad then as it is now or whether it was simple a different time. Austen’s writing is a reflection of genuinely (though not universally) held societal beliefs and she’s not going to rise from the grave to change it now. It is, however, a deeply unpleasant ending. Emma’s problem isn’t that she toys with the people around her for entertainment, but that she doesn’t participate appropriately in the class system. Technically both of these are about becoming more self-reflective and more thoughtful of others, but the devil is in the details. It’s hard to enjoy that as the conclusion to a romantic comedy. I don’t come to Austen for a window into the uncomfortable realities of the past, or really any particular connection to the past. I’m here for the fluffy romance.

Part of the reason talking about not enjoying Austen because of these novels’ dated elements is so frustrating is that the common narrative about Austen is super revisionist. Austen has endured a lot of lumps and I do think it’s stupid to claim that she was a poor writer and was incapable of writing incisive social commentary just because she was a woman writing about the recency woman’s interests and concerns. I also think it’s reductive to claim that the social dynamics of Austen’s world often get misinterpreted due to the modern reflex to see every society preceding our own as nasty, brutish, and short. But this isn’t a critique of Austen, this is a critique of reading Austen in 2023. It’s not just about hating to see a grilboss winning.

On the other hand, why do I feel like I’m trying to placate the ‘just let people enjoy things’ brigade again?

One of the most frustrating things about being generally a romance disliker is the climate of toxic positivity that surrounds any genre that is more about having fun than any ostensibly higher purposes. There is a sense that since the audience of these genres is primarily women and they are often targeted by bad faith misogynistic criticisms, that any criticism of them is inherently misogynistic. I’ve been tying myself up in knots because my observation is that a book from 1815 has some nineteenth century ass ideas about class. This should be self-evident. ‘Just enjoying things’ in not actually my goal when reading, and ‘just letting people enjoy things’ isn’t my goal as a critic either.

Here’s the rub: Emma is a fun and sweet romantic comedy with some of the English language’s best dialogue until the conclusion reminds us that there hasn’t ever been a romantic utopia with the sexy historical codes of practise but not the bad ones. Romance in Austen’s time was a function of the class system, not separate from it. And I don’t know, maybe I’m the patron saint of it really being that deep, but I had a hard time seeing the lighthearted romance in that.

#read in 2023 #emma #jane austen #book review #bookblr #bookstagram #book blogging #classics #romance #books #also its been so long i cant find any of the pics i took of the book so behold my lemon cake

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sharonisthebettercarter · 1 year ago

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Hai.

How do you measure your top and bottoms? I will likely greatly regret asking.

oh HIIII @diamonddung~<3<3<3!

why yes. yes you will<3 i never did get that answer on fiona's nick valentine % <3 tho you may need to amend billy's % lmao<3<3<3

as a bonafide too queer to function lunatic and multishipper who *hates* catty supremacist false dichotomy fandom bullshit because of all the unnecessary problems it causes (you know me, lmao, bit of another psa in here i guess given multiship tags and yes, i am still upset about the thing with the artist)? ya know i'm a little out there and not quite with the 'in' crowd of the chunk of cis het women who take party~ in the shipping world~<3 no shade, but it does tend to change one's perspective. i do feel there's lots of shipping discourse that may miss the mark/certain character elements in favor of...

well, normally just plain ol' over-sexualization from some horny ass people lfmao, (homie's scene with doppelhomie is a good example, the trauma presented on his face was ignored in favor of the selfcest fantasy, but in antony starr's words, homie wasn't interested, he was traumatized :((() but also unfortunately... echhh i gotta say it!

hetero-normalizing gay ships and then treating the kink presentation like a goddamn religion... the amount of times i have those 'are the straights okay???' moments are just...

LMAO, all in good fun of course<3 let's not kink shame.

it's fine to have different kinks and discourse, disagreements over how you view characters or what you like, even be enthusiastic with your own views and shout them out to the heavens~! it's *NOT* fine to try and police, dehumanize, or discourage others from enjoying what they like just because it's *different* from you and they exist in a *shared* space.

friendly important reminder to *ship and let ship*, *art and let art* however that may be. even if i don't like the way a ship is presented or voice how *i* personally feel about it, i would *never* try to or even have the gall to tell someone *no, you can't do that, my way or the highway*

It does NOT *exclude* you to *include* others. It costs nothing to be *nice* or simply DNI. This is NOT a dichotomy. Fandoms do NOT need additional toxicity and bullying over something so *trivial* as fictional bullshit. EVER.

"i don't like bullies... i don't care where they're from." ;)

anywho~<3 i love top/bottom exploration because i have a very bad BAD~<3 dominance kink, but switching definitely gets the most downplaying/ignoring with a heavy focus on... mmm, i suppose often, more superficial elements half the time and i'll admit some of mine def are~ lmao nose size. and i don't say that to dissuade any writers, young or old. i say it to *encourage* moar deep diving<3<3<3 and even questioning the way you might think/listening to new perspectives~<3!

we all start somewhere and have times of exploration/learning~<3 learning moar and challenging yourself? that's a *good* thing<3<3<3 but sadly, not always valued (it should be!) :(

but apart from canon dynamices/character depth/personality to the best of my ability/understanding? the long answer is ANAL GAPE~<3

among other things, i'm sure that makes no sense whatsoever<3 because some other factors do get thrown in. intelligence because i'm a morosexual and LOVE big dumb tops<3<3<3, practicality super anuses are a death trap to not be played with however super phalli~, and weirdly... nose size. i'm not kidding!

yeah i know some idiot out there told me nose size is apparently related to phallus size and testosterone levels OH WAIT-- but oddly enough...? i think there may be some kinda instinct there LOL, because it seemed to registered in my brain the same way i registered my top/bottoms for the most part, even *before* learning that...

and i *swear*... i'll come back to this shit cause it's hilarious, but even in fanart, you'll see many artists subconsciously/purposefully give the guy they want to 'top' a bigger nose... even if he has a smaller one. ;)))))))))))))))))

BUTT ANAL GAPE! WHAT IS IT!?

not the nasty version ya nasties~<3

it basically boils down to... how big of an ASSHOLE is this asshole... just wide do those booty cheeks spread with the level a disrespect-- how *badly* does he *need* a good railing and prostate MMPH~<3<3<3! or even spanking~<3 how much of a control freak is he? how stubborn~? how far do those bitchy manipulative little devil vibes go~<3<3<3 what does he *want*? really want. figurative dick energy? is he compensating for something? is he in need of, holdin' out for a hero~<3<3<3? how so? how far from the goal of expressing positive masculinity are we and why? just how toxic we talkin~? i'm slippin' under<3

what is the outward presentation being given vs. the one he gives privately/with those he loves? there's a pretty big difference sometimes and it can say a lot. naturally gentle doms like kal-el or steve rogers i see get mislabeled for that old thing, 'mistaking kindness for weakness', so to speak. but as a general rule, they say that in the bedroom~ people actually tend to give the opposite of what they present in their day to day lives/'those with the most control of their lives are secretly the most submissive' or something along those lines, and it makes sense that things would manifest that way when you think about it. (ironically learned about this *after* learning my kinks)

a good example would be billy butcher, who gives the outward presentation of being rough and ragged and 'in control' wannabe logan, but is extremely soft, caring and submissive with those he loves<3 contrast with homelander who has had ZERO control over his own life from day one and *really* likes it rough when he gets the chance and--

boi lemme tell ya hwat--

it's a number of things, lmao, and the calculations in my head are automatic and will not make sense in numbers. so.

i don't think i need to explain much on anal gape when it comes to scott summers, lex luthor, bruce wayne, tony stark, and especially... *especially* billy butcher.

but lets not forget the added morosexual aspect~ which *can* even override anal gape! so let's go over what every one a my tagged ship bottoms might be saying to their big dumb idiot animal tops being DUMB<3<3<3

scott: *glares violently*

lex: *glares in pure bitch trying to hide the horny*

bucky: steve... what the fuck.

tony: *hard eye rolling and harder cuddling*

bruce: . . .

charles: ERIK!?

billy: *as he takes off his clothes* why... are you a brainless cunt?

pay no mind to homie's indignant huffing with a side of horny in response (somebody find me that goddamn meme lmao<3), and brucie might still be processing clark's stupidity lol<3

it's funny tho, cause i have competency kink too~<3 and i love me a good boi team up/learnin' as we go~<3<3<3

practicality? pretty self explanatory... way back when... dc gave us detail on the urinals of the justice league and pretty much confirmed man of steel, woman of kleenex (my favorite<3). i could not make this shit up-- (thanks btw dd for sending me this shit now i HAVE to share it)

so. given that we know superman's piss stream is strong enough to *dent* reinforced titanium steel when *weakened*--.

do i really have to say much about his sphincter? it makes diamonds, it makes fucking diamonds, do not stick anything up there unless you wanna lose it forever.

from a practical sense, i never like making it *easy* for clark~<3 to bone someone lmao, it's just too fun<3<3<3 (blue k is always an option of course) but also... he can vibrate it (along with his fingers and tongue), he has infinite stamina. and he has no refractory period... ;)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

homelander is much the same, maybe with an added *lack* of control and def a bit moar scary leik, might deliberately murder you scary but STILL--

you could not fucking *PAY* me to miss a goddamn chance for superweiner--

not sure i wanna think about what martian manhunter has... but i'd still let him do whatever to me, honestly<3 he'd be the BEST gentle dom i *swear*. like he'd literally check in and politely ask on you instead of reading your mind and check for any discomfort and be SO SWEET and tender and caring, making sure you're okay the whole time and just genuinely give you an experience you're never gonna forget leik<3<3<3 J'ONN~<3! HHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH~<3<3<3

oops... ignore that--

and as for nose size~<3?

well~<3 OBVIOUSLY i want my bottoms to be getting the best they can<3 i SPOIL the shit out of them! of course we NEED the guy with the bigger dong nose to top, they should be havin' a grand ol' time~!

but back to that artist thing and genuinely, genuinely amazing. it's almost like a guarantee and i don't even know if people are aware of doing it, but it is always so hilarious and adorable to me. *especially* with billy butcher, the star of the anal gape show<3<3<3

"they just can't get my nose right!"

and of course no shade/disrespect to the actor (his nose is so goddamn cute<3<3<3 and i love it<3) or any other actors, or artists, but even *becca* (her nose is also cute and i love it~<3) had a bigger nose than him. seriously. homie's nose is fiiiiine~<3 but also actually bigger and longer. and it's just... ALMOST *guaranteed*. anyone who sees billy as a 'top' while drawing him *automatically* gives him the bigger/longer nose... and it just blows my mind how amazingly consistent that seems to be LOL (apparently like the study done on noses and weiners!)

what does that say about us, i wonder...?? (no seriously, i really wonder<3) adamant denial~<3 maybe? ;))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

billy boo does have the biggest eyes tho~<3<3<3

and apparently, did look it up... but it works inversely with bmi?? which... 100000% explains willem dafoe<3<3<3

it ALSO pretty much... confirms show homelander as their very own willem dafoe/norman osborn... and i never thought i'd have it THIS down bad for osborn but i can't with the things that does to me-- I'VE BEEN CONVERTED!! like the boi *already* is confimed *HUGE* canonically. *by BILLY* in the comic!

but by the gods--

down to the lovely eyes, scary smile, and psychosis. so it is that history repeats... hello mad daddy~<3

god i need to watch dafoe's spooderman again<3

I guess billy boo is now confirmed to be actually *compensating* for SOOOOOO much--

welp. i guess this explains why billy called himself an 'alpha male' unironically which i will never let him live down~<3 he already has the biggest gape i have EVER seen on a character. EVER. like. this boi. has enough gape to fit a goddamn planet up his ass. let's be generous and say that show boi billy is just at moon level. but it is still just. HUGE. which i guess makes homie just the perfect match for him given the willem dafoe vibes--

and honestly... it's beautiful<3

and the best part about billy is just how *self aware* he is of this. he postures to high hell and plays the part his dad would want him to, but he knows it's a goddamn problem, *addiction*, *hates* it, and spends his life looking for *solutions* and *self punishment*...

that's homie baby~<3

billy considered becca his *cure* (if the clear cut submissive role he took with her wasn't enough<3<3<3 SO CUTE<3<3<3) but *homelander* is the *replacement*. his *last resort*. cut my life into pieces--NOOOOO--

goddammit billy boo, i *really* do feel for you, i do... but lemme translate what billy butcher is *actually* saying in both the show and comic in going after homelander. cause lemme tell ya it ain't just revenge...

*destroy me, eviscerate me. because i am afraid of what i will do if you can't stop me. and because you took away the one who could save me, you owe me this and i will take it if need be.*

because there's *one* thing that billy fears, and he's had the ability to say it, even feel it... beaten out of him. but he almost always fully goes into battle *not* intending to come out of it. he *wants* to die and he hates himself a whole lot... and he knows. it's the thing his father gave him, the sickness he passed on that billy never wanted but can't control. but this would also be why he gives no fucks about 'collateral'.

even if by force or violence, billy wants to fail, he wants to be held down, he *wants* to lose, he wants to get knocked back down until he can't get back up anymore. he sure as hell isn't gonna make it easy for anyone, that's not in his nature, but he knows what happens if he can keep going.

billy knows he's a monster, but he is preconditioned to never control it. he sees the kindred monster in homelander, preconditioned to be *under control* but slipping through and vying to get loose... but homelander, despite everything *still* has control... billy wants to see it break, he *needs* it.

ugh~<3<3<3 yes, i know i am redundant with this shit<3 but it's just SO poetic<3<3<3 i CANNOT--

even season 3 evidenced their dynamic and dug in perfectly. scorched urf? the candle's fuckin' lit. herogasm? 3 on 1. ONLY A BRUISE--. billy, bloody smile~ comes back for more? billy gets his ass kicked by the dad on his own and only *maeve* gets anything done to homelander... who doesn't want to kill her, so he holds back even if she won't.

"i respect what you are even if you don't--."

got. damn...

but homie? he's the last lifeline, and he's tied to *both* sides of billy. and a people pleaser<3<3<3! who's also too dumb to get what's going on with billy, not that he'd care if he did... who's at the same time caught and curious by billy's obsession and the mirror between them<3

homie wants and knows how to please people... not just because he's been trained for it or a clear cut service top with dark~<3 elements<3<3<3 or because he wants the feeling he gets from their approval/admiration. very typical of a narcissist lmao, but also because of the added vulnerability that he is easily manipulated/exploited by the women in his life, not realizing he's a victim or being groomed/manipulated.

even the uh... *moment* he had with stillwell, she exploits his trauma and desire for a mother so directly that he just totally loses it and profusely appologizes. he's aware of how to *please* someone if ya get me~<3 ;))))))) (by the apology given at all) but he's *not* aware that she is abusing/exploiting his trauma in this way *because he lacks empathy for himself/has never genuinely had it given without some sort of exploitive exchange*, sort of opposite of billy in this sense too. poor dumb baby~<3!

what's really extra hilarious and ironic is that stormfront is pretty much what a lady billy would be but nowhere near as good as manipulating as him

but all homelander has ever known is the *examples* set before him by vought. and it's... quite obviously not a good one... :(((((((((((((((((( but he's *not* aware. billy is much the same, but he *is* aware. hence the deep buried cravings to be *free* vs. fucking approval ratings in homie, and *controlled* vs. lack of self control in billy... goddammit the fucking POETRY<3<3<3

so? it's just more of the same old same old. and homie loves, LOVES not having to hold back once he gets a taste for it... with *stormfront* no less... but *also* from billy in a different sense and now... beyond. still ADORE how he went flaccid on the nazi rhetoric lmao even this boi has his limits<3--

"let's light this candle--"

it's already fucking lit--

... you know full well how excited i get, lmao<3 and ya DID ask<3<3<3 XD

everyone else (to homelander): don't be what they made you... please for the love of fucking gawd, PLEASE--

billy: be what they fucking made you motherfucker, i wanna fuck FIGHT and see everything destroyed. i'll wait.

stormfront: be what we fucking made you, i wanna fuck and see everything not us destroyed. i won't wait.

but the short answer? i go by % of willem dafoe energy, the *CORRECT* answer is WILLEM DAFOE<3<3<3 (not to be confused with norman osborn... unless willem dafoe<3) DUH~!

WOOO-- goddamn... and i ain't even done yet. i spend WAY too much time obsessing over these fuckers, i SWEAR.

and ALSO the ladies~<3 are tops. all of them. ALL OF THEM. NO EXCEPTIONS-- lmao, KIDDING... maybe<3 (i might do another one going over mah lady~<3 ships<3<3<3 cause this got long... and i did get carried away with butchy and homie... of course i did. but you know how i love them<3<3<3)

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waitmyturtles · 2 years ago

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I so wish I had some good analysis on UMG, because, gah, I really wanna like it! I mean: Nanon x Namtan x Milk x Drake x Sing! Come onnnnnnnnnn. Nanon and Milk in love, really? This must be good, right?

I’m caught up on the series now after my trip, and the show is just totally flat. Nanon’s acting, before Milk/Erng showed up, was fabulous — heartbroken, yearning. The mystery of the missing Erng was still out there. There was great attraction tension between Nanon and Namtan/Fahsai, especially when Fahsai discovered she had a rival in Erng. They were all a part of this mystery explorers club, and we were going to learn why they were all interested in the otherworldly, right?

Totally wrong. I dunno. At least in the club settings, these students almost seem like bored dilettantes, but that's a little too harsh. What I mean to say is: I am not convinced as to why any of them want to BE in this club. I'm not convinced that Fahsai is ACTUALLY INTERESTED in aliens, because no compelling reason or background has been given to it -- the only flashback background we're given is between Nanon/Mew and Erng.

And lord, the kid actors are out-acting Nanon and Milk. I'm way more convinced that the kid versions of Mew and Erng will get together! I don't know why, but it seems like Nanon and Milk are holding themselves back from some real emotion! Yes, we need to discover more about Milk and why she's been held captive by the aliens (and okay, maybe Mew has some hesitation about getting with someone who could freeze his ass, but ANYWAY) -- the script isn't allowing anyone to feel anything. It's this mismashy mix of comedy (ill-placed), emotion (not really going far), sexual tension (Fahsai is totally flat -- girl, just MAKE YOUR MOVES ON MEW!), bad camera work and cinematography (why those close-up shots of Mew and Kit, wth?), and just dumb dialogue (we didn't need that whole alien vs. monster thing in episode 5, my god!).

Add this to the lack of investment in GMMTV's SFX department (I'm looking at you, Midnight Museum), and there's a lot to complain about. I'm unfortunately invested in what will happen with this alien that's just showing up in public now (I guess they have fabulous eyelashes on other planets) that I'll watch this for a few more episodes. But I'm peeved that I spent my last two nights catching up with this instead of watching The Eighth Sense, which I'm going to binge ASAP. This was a huge wasted opportunity for Nanon and Milk to build something together, and Nanon was WAY WAY better in Midnight Museum (at least in the few episodes I peeped mid-series), so I know this is the script and not his acting. There was a lot of potential here for UMG, and I'm not holding out hope that it gets better -- but I always remain open to optimism.

#umg #unidentified mysterious girlfriend #nanon korapat #namtan tipnaree #milk pansa #drake laedeke #sing harit #so much wasted potential so far!!!!!!

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winderlylandchime · 1 year ago

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Hello, i was going to send this days ago but work has been kicking my ass So unfortunately i am late. First of, I hope youre doing good! And: Congratulations to your friends on their weeding!! Also i agree, i genuinely believe he is in his Crushing on Gale era! Me, a lesbian and him are about to have a lot more in common than just our parents and love of Brian Kinney. BTW YES TO THE HELMET THING! I pointed it out to him during the ep because it has always bothered me but he only shushed me and told me to mind my business because Brian is always hot. I’m glad I finally found someone that agrees with me. Also I’m here because when i came home on Thursday from running errands, I walked in on him watching 4x14 again. And when I asked about it, he said he needed a 2nd opinion. But the part that made me laugh was that he was in the middle of the ep when I walked in and then like 10 minutes later he was “done” and when I asked him, he went ‘oh i fast forwarded through the dumb boring shit. No offense but who needs to see that much of Mike anyway?’ I told him that it was Randy’s birthday (this is where me being late to send this sucks) so to “celebrate” it, he blasted Chiquitita all day. And then he watched his favorite Justin eps to celebrate it (the pilot AGAIN, 1x18, 1x20, 2x02, 2x04, 3x08, 3x11, 4x08,) and in case you were wondering: yes, he fast forwarded through anything that wasn’t Brian, Justin or Britin. AND!! I told him about the podcast and it went a little like this: he was dancing with the cat and i go ‘by the way, the actor that plays Justin has a podcast with his best friend and they talk about pop culture’ And he stopped and slowly turned to me and his eyes were HUGE and sat down and went ‘..is any of it about the show…? Please say his best friend is Brian’ Then i showed him the podcast but told him to only listen to the first ep and YOU GUYS, i have never in all the years of my life seen this man so focused before. He took his phone and Brian the cat and went outside to listen to it and i wish I could send a picture of what that looked like. If i had to describe a meme for visual, It would be a mix between thee Bernie meme and the meme of a guy laying in a bed smiling at his phone. Every time Randy spoke, he was smiling. He was absolutely obsessed with it. Wait i wrote out my favorite things he said while he was listening to it, i knew he would have stuff to say because I swear this man processes every single thought he has out loud.

THANK YOU FOR RECOGNIZING HOW RIDICULOUS THEY MADE HIM LOOK IN THE HELMET. Thank you.

I love that he celebrated Randy’s birthday and you gave him the gift of Randy’s podcast. I hope Jordan sees the numbers start to creep up and feels compelled to make another episode. Especially since the Randy episodes must get more listens if we’re just basing it off of Tumblr fandom. Like 12 more listens at least.

I love Randy on this podcast. I feel like I know him so much more now. I can’t wait to read his reactions.

(and please, do not apologize for RL stuff getting in the way of this. life’s gonna life.)

#ask winderlylandchime #dear sweet anon #queer as folk #a straight man watches qaf us 2000 in the year of our lord 2023

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astrolotte · 2 years ago

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Sorry for reblogging this again but I wanted to address these prev tags:

I'm gonna be awfully bold here and say that they are definitely not doing that. In part because it's a huge no-no to kill a baby in films/books/etc, but also in part because... well, she's an established character.

If you don't already know, they didn't invent May "Mayday" Parker for this movie. In fact, she was one of the original Spider-Verse characters, if not the first ever (I'm not an expert lol)

Mayday first appeared in a What-If? comic in the 90s, a series dedicated to random what if scenarios, and the prompt for this one was "What if Spider-Man had a daughter who also had powers?"

Soon after she got her own comic that went on for 100 issues before being renewed, which is the longest unbroken comic line for any female Marvel character.

Actually, Mayday almost didn't get those 100 issues. Spider-Girl faced cancellation many times, but every time fans would write letters to Marvel, begging them to not cancel the comic. And it worked all the way up until comic 100 :p

She may not have had the most fans in the world, but those who loved her loved her dearly. Her comics are fun to read and she's a very enjoyable character :)

This is all to say that... well. If they were to kill her off it would be a HUGE mistake. Mayday has a lot of history (and a record), and a very dedicated fanbase. There are many people who want to see her finally be in a movie, and this is her first chance at that, baby or not. If they killed her off a lot of us would be devastated... We love Mayday as a character, and want more people to love her too.

(also if people like the idea of Mayday in the movie they might bring back her comic/finally introduce her into the mainline Spider-Man series please Marvel please)

But along the note of them not killing Mayday off: I don't think they're gonna kill of Peter B, either. One bit of Mayday's original comic that I liked is the fact that she didn't have a treasured family member die to teach her about responsibility: she didn't need to. She's the daughter of Peter Parker, of course he's gonna teach her about responsibility. Girl's gonna have that ingrained into her skull. Neither Peter nor MJ nor her eventual brother Benji had to die in order to teach her anything. She was able to figure it out by herself.

They did eventually kill Peter off, to my personal chagrin, in order to get her to join the plot of the original Spider-Verse comics. I regard this as a dumb bitch move because Mayday didn't need anyone to die in order to join a fight that threatened the multiverse (which her universe is obviously part of), but I'm unfortunately not writing these comics.

(also the writer for Spider-Verse, Dan Slott, would come out with a comic series about his own spider-daughter character, Annie-May Parker, just a few months after Spider-Verse ended. I'm not accusing him of ruining Mayday to promote his own character but I am very miffed with his decisions.)

But anyway I bring this up because I feel like it'd be weird to kill off a major character in your story like that, along with the fact that May's (original :/) story didn't include his death as all, so there'd be no reason to write it into this version. She doesn't need any lesson to be responsible in the future or anything, and it'd just be a little weird to give her a big tragic backstory out of nowhere. Girl doesn't need that she's cool on her own.

Anyway. Sorry for the long ass history lesson um my excuse is I have a hyperfixation <3 If they kill off my fav superhero I will march straight up to Sony and idk probably kill someone

Papa Peter B. Parker and his daughter Mayday Parker 🕷

#/J SONY EXECS IT'S A JOKE #me writing ~12 paragraphs about Mayday Parker unprovoked. like a normal person would.

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uhlatcha · 9 months ago

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ROCK WITH U - SEVENTEEN 70s AU - CHAPTER TWO: BAD LIAR

WATTPAD | AO3 | PLAYLIST | ROCK WITH YOU MASTERLIST

FANDOMS: SEVENTEEN

PAIRING: KMG X OC | CSC X OC | JWW X OC

WORDS:4448

GENRE: FANFIC, ROMCOM, DRAMA, 70s AU, ROCK BAND AU

NOTES: SOOOOO... I am really stupid and just realised I posted chapter three before I posted this one???? So, if you felt that a lot of information seemed off about the last chapter, that's why. In my defense: I am overworking lately, so... my bad. Also... I HAVE ADHD. So let's pretend I am not dumb and move on.

ENGLISH IS NOT MY FIRST LANGUAGE, ANY FEEDBACKS ARE WELCOME.

TAGLIST: @gaslysainz

CHAPTER TWO- BAD LIAR

Spring Of 1979 - A Few Weeks Before The Lucky Ones Tour.

"So, the contract it's not for the whole tour?" Seungcheol asked. He was sitting across from his friend in the apartment living room. Jeonghan was sitting on the floor, Hoshi and Seungkwan were right beside him, while Cheol, Vernon and Wonwoo were on the couch, Mingyu was leaning by the sinking in the kitchen, listening from a far while he did the last night dishes, since someone had to do it and the others didn't look very fond of it.

Jeonghan nodded, sighing in disappointment.

"The contract only covers the US part of the tour." He explained "Woozi said we can renew the contract if the audience likes us," he added.

"That's easy, everyone will love us." Hoshi said confidently.

"I usually hate to agree with Hoshi, but this time I have to." Seungkwan commented, receiving an ugly stare from the blonde one.

"Don't be so confident, there's more." Jeonghan said, catching the contract from Cheol's hands. He found the clause he was looking for and read it out loud.

"What does it mean?" Hoshi asked.

"This means they can kick us out whenever they want If we don't behave." Wonwoo explained.

"Can they, do it?" Hoshi asked.

"Yes, they can, dumb ass. That's what this document is for." Jeonghan said, annoyed. "So unfortunately, if you want to go on a world tour, and sign with the label, you will have to behave during the US tour."

Seungkwan sighed.

"We are fucked." he murmured.

"C'mon, we can do it." Vernon said. "I mean... It's just a few months so we can have the life of our dreams."

"Vernon is right, it's a small effort in comparison to what we will gain." Cheol agreed. "But is an effort that all of us had to compromise to do."

"I'm in." Wonwoo said, putting his hand on the center of the table, with an encouraging smile.

Vernon smiled, then put his hand I've Wonwoo's. Cheol and Jeonghan did the same, then Seungkwan. Hoshi took a deep breath but did the same.

"Hey wait for me!" Mingyu who was finishing the dishes protested "You all can't have a moment like this without including me" he said, sulking while running to the living room.

His hands were still wet when he put them over Hoshi's hand.

"1,2,3 say the name" Cheol said.

"SEVENTEEN." They all screamed, raising their hands together.

"Okay then." Jeonghan said, getting serious very suddenly "Let's sign the deal."

******

"You spend too much time around here." Tea said, opening the studio door to found Joshua with his guitar working in something new. Even though they had just dropped a successful album and going on a tour to perform it, Joshua was already working in new songs. And Tea couldn't fight with him about it, since she was doing the exact same thing, but different from him, she preferred to work from home.

"Please, I know you are a workaholic too, you are just better at hiding it." He spoke. "I bet you already have a full album ready for the next comeback."

She didn't deny. Just came closer to him to analyze what was he working on.

"Well, that looks really good, but you know what else looks good?" She asked him.

"I don't know, what?" He retorted.

"Lunch with a cute girl." She said, with a big smile.

"And who's that girl?" he teased her.

"C'mon, Shua." She said, pouting.

"I just ate, darling." He said, "You are a little too late, Woozi got me first."

"Dammit." She cursed. "I hate to eat alone."

"Some of the Seventeen boys are here working on their album, why don't you invite them for dinner, miss congeniality?"

"Which members are here?" She asked, curious.

"The red haired and the weird one." Shua explained.

"They are all weird." She pointed out "Be more specific."

"The quite weird one." He explained, and she automatically thought about Wonwoo. Even though he wasn't by far the weirdest of them all, but the quietest. "The one with the New York accent." Shua added, making her change her mind.

"Oh, they are the ones who look the nicest, I'll go after them but are you sure you don't want to come? Have some french toast...?"

"French toast for lunch? I would love that, can you bring me some when you come back?" Shua asked.

"Who said I'm coming back?" She teased him.

"Me. You're coming back to bring me french toast, and because I'll give you a ride home, because you have no driver's license."

"Fair." She said, rolling her eyes "See you later, babe."

She blew him a kiss and left, going down the highways to the hall, to ask Suzie, the receptionist, where the Seventeen boys were. But she didn't have too, because she bumped into Wonwoo while he came out of one on the rooms.

"Sorry." He said, holding her by the shoulders so she wouldn't lose her balance. "Are you okay?"

"It's okay." She said smiling. " I'm okay. It was good to bump in you, I was looking for your friends."

"Mingyu is not here." He spoke.

She raised an eyebrow, intrigued. Why would he think she was looking for Mingyu?

"I was actually looking for the red haired one, and the other guitarist." She explained.

"Seungkwan and Vernon?" He asked.

"Sorry, I'm not good with names. Will take me some time to remember everyone's names."

"Mine is Wonwoo, by the way." He commented, putting his hand on his pockets.

"I know." She said "I remember your name. It's a very simple, and cute name."

"Not as cute as yours." He said, very confidently, then blushed when she looked at him, surprised with the comment. "I guess. Hum... I must go now, Seungkwan and Vernon are in the room I just left."

"I was going to invite then to lunch, do you want to join?" She asked him.

"I have something scheduled now, Myabe next time." He said, apologizing.

"Ah, okay then." She said, "See you."

Wonwoo just smiled politely and left. Tea was really surprised at him being so flirty, she didn't expect it from him. But she just ignored the fact and knocked on the door before entering.

The redhead boy was sitting by the mixing table, beside one of the new sound engineers who smiled very nightly to her. Everyone in the company were very polite and gentle with her and Mya, which was great, since a lot of people who worked in the music industry seemed to despise women,

"Oh hi!" The redheaded boy said, getting up to greet her, surprised by seeing her. Vernon who was in both, waved to her.

"Hey what are you mates working on?" Tea asked, with a curious smile. Myabe lunch could stay for later, be nosy on the new guys work would be a lot funnier.

******

"This is a new model; the sound system is perfect." The seller at the photography store explained to Mya, showing her a camera.

God, she would kill Joshua. She was at the photography store looking for Tea's present. She and Joshua had agreed to buy the girl a new camera, an upgrade to her photography addiction. Tea got easily bored on tour, and when she got bored, bad things tended to happen when she had nothing to do. So they had to keep her busy.

And that was how the photography thing started, with a Polaroid camera they gifted her in the first tour, and ever since Tea had been talking about cameras all the time, so Joshua suggested was to buy her a new one, Mya agreed, but she didn't know much about cameras, so she didn't know what to buy, and was afraid to totally thrust in the sales man.

So, there she was, alone in the store, in front of the counter staring to a bunch of cameras trying to decide which to buy.

"Excuse me, do you have any 35mm colorful film? I couldn't find any on the shelves." A familiar voice asked the vendor, and made Mya turn around.

"I think I still have some in stock, I will check it out, just give me a second."

"Thank you." Mingyu said, smiling to the seller.

Mya saw the boy just a few times, but she had to admit he was gorgeous. Tan, talk and handsome, Kim Mingyu could have the world in his hand just by smiling at the right person. And that was something he was always doing. She didn't remember not swing him smiling.

"You seem to know what you are doing here." Mya said.

"Hey, what a nice surprise to see you here!" He said,smiling more when he noticed her.

"So..." She started "Are you into photography?"

"You can say that." He shrugged " I'm restocking my 35mm supply for the tour. What about you?"

"I don't know much about all this shit." She explained "I'm here to buy Tea a gift, she is the one who enjoys these things. Shua was supposed to be here and help me, but he didn't show up, so I'm kind of lost here."

"What is her experience level with cameras?" Mingyu asked, getting closer to look at the models Mya was staring at blankly. "Is she familiar with photography or is a new thing?"

"She's manly into Polaroids." Mya explained.

"Domestic cameras then..." He said thoughtfully. "She's more of the click and shoot. You should take her an automatic 35mm. I would recommend this one." He handed her one of the smallest cameras on the counter. "It's not heavy, and is simple to use, very intuitive, and has good quality. I have one of these, it takes very good pictures."

He really looked like he knew what he was talking about, so Mya decided to thrust him.

"This one will be." She announced. Mingyu smiled then the seller was back the next moment with a box that should have Mingyu's order.

"Here are the films." He spoke.

"Good, thank you! I'll take five of these." Mingyu said. "One more thing... Do you happen to have the Olympus Trip in other colors?" He asked, taking the camera from Mya's hands.

"Besides the black we have in orange and yellow." The seller announced.

"I think she would like a more colorful thing." Mingyu suggested "Yellow?"

"Orange is more of her thing." Mya commented.

"Can you please pack an orange Olympus Trip 35 to my friend here?" Mingyu asked the vendor.

"It's a gift." Mya said "So please, wrap it in a gift paper."

The seller nodded and went to the back room to take the camera.

"Do you also happen to know something about video cameras? The seller told me about this one, but I'm not sure about buying it " Mya commented with him.

"I heard some good things about this one, but I don't owe a video camera with sound system, so I can't say much about it."

"Fuck, what is taking you so long? Are you doing this on purpose?" Seungcheol who just arrived by Mingyu's side asked, looking very annoyed.

His posture changed immediately when he saw Mya.

"Oh hi." He said, trying to be polite.

"Sorry for taking so long, I was helping our friend here." Mingyu said.

"It's okay, I didn't know you had company." Cheol said. "Are you stocking for the tour too?"

"Kinda." She said with a yellow smile.

The vendor came back with her package.

"I am also taking the video camera you showed me earlier " she informed the sells man, who started packing the other camera the film for both. When he finished, Mya handed him a check.

"Thank you for the help, Mingyu." Mya said "I owe you a favor."

"Tell Tea I helped, and we are good " he said, winking at her.

Mya raised an eyebrow, looking at him with suspicion.

"Okay then... See you around." She didn't look at Seungcheol while leaving the store, but it didn't take him longer to catch her outside.

"Hey, do you have plans right now?" He asked.

"I sure have, murder plans. I'm going back to the studio to kill Joshua Hong." She explained with a very serious expression.

"Would you mind postponing his death and join me for lunch?" Cheol suggested. "I still didn't get the chance to apologize properly after our first meeting."

Mya stop to think for a second. She was hungry but didn't want to have lunch with him. She had already decided she didn't like him at all. So why give him one more chance when she could feel he was just trying to be a flatterer.

"I'll pay." He said, like that was her worries. She laughed.

"The can I chose the place?" She said with sarcasm.

"Sure." He spoke. " But can I ask if you are driving? I'm with the band van, but I would have to take Mingyu home first, or having him joining us."

"I can drive us." She spoke.

"Good." He said "Give me just a second, I will land him my keys. I'll be back in a second.

She didn't intend to go out with Scoups for lunch, but he didn't seem to catch the irony in her words, so she thought it would be fun to torture him a bit, so she went to take her car in the parking lot of the commercial center, stopping by the entrance of the photography store.

Scoups jaw dropped when he came back to the front of the store and saw the Red Cadillac Eldorado parked in front of it, and Mya retouching her lipstick, that was as red as the car, in the rear-view mirror.

"Are you read?" She asked, turning to him with a smirk, putting in her sunglasses.

Scoups nodded, still shocked by her car. He didn't expect her to have such an expensive and beautiful car. Most women normally drove more discreet cars, but Mya really didn't look a discreet person. He entered the vehicle still a bit shake.

"You are not from California, right? Have you eaten at the Chateau Marmont?" She asked, starting the car.

"No, not really." He admitted. He heard of the place, obviously. But he didn't have enough money or fame to go to a place like that.

"Well... then today is your lucky day." She said, with a mischievous smile.

******

"Actually, I'm in charge of the sad songs." Tea explained.

It had been a while since she started talking to Seungkwan and Vernon. They showed her what they were working on, she gave them some help and advice to make the track better, and now they were talking about the dynamics of both groups.

"Really, you?" Boo was shocked. "I would never imagine; you are always so bright and cheerful. I thought you were the queen of love songs."

"I'm really good with sad and melancholic songs, with a darker vibe." She spoke. "Joshua is the romantic, most of our love songs are his."

"What about Mya?" Vernon asked.

"She writes the most rebellious songs, the party anthems, and the hook up songs." She laughed explaining it.

Vernon's eyes sparkled while he heard Tea talking about Mya. He was looking forward to really talk to her, he wanted to ask her so many things. He really was a fan of her technic and her stage presence. Besides, he thought she was beautiful.

"Are you working on something lately?" Seungkwan asked. "We didn't have the chance to see you performing live yet, would you mind playing something for us?"

The boys had been so nice to her, and Seungkwan eyes were sparkling while he asked her to paly something, he really looked like a fan, so she agreed.

"I can't spoil new things I'm working on, but you can choose one of the old songs."

"Can you sing Falling?" Seungkwan asked. "I really love this song."

"Yeah, sure." She said, getting up. "Do you mind if I wear your keyboard?" She asked pointing to the instrument inside of the record cabinet.

"Go ahead! It will be an honor." He said, cheerfully.

Tea entered the cabin and started playing the song. The chords were very remarkable, and her voice had a low register in that song.

"I've fallen out of favor and I've fallen from grace

Fallen out of trees and I've fallen on my face

Fallen out of taxis, out of windows too

Fell in your opinion when I fell in love with you"

Seungkwan looked really amazed by her voice and the song and Vernon was paying close attention to the lyrics. Tea on her turn was enjoying playing for them.

She was sthe first chorus and was in the bridge of the song when Mingyu entered the room.

"I dance with myself, I drunk myself down

Found people to love, left people to drown"

He looked surprised to see her there, mainly to see her singing to his friends. His eyes were sparkling as he watched her. He looked so boyish with that smile. She sang, looking at Mingyu, smiling at him.

"If there was nowhere to land I wouldn't be scared at all"

She let the song died.

"And so, it goes." She sang, getting up.

Seungkwan and Vernon started applauding he, and she blushed when Mingyu joined them. She bowed, thanking while coming out of the cabin.

"Wow, that was... memorable." Mingyu said."

"God, when did you arrived?!" Seungkwan complained, startled by his friend presence.

"In enough time to see the show." He explained. He was looking at Tea with gleam eyes and a cheesy smile.

Her deep voice was even better live, with just the piano, it sounded sexy. Her accent was also cute and charming.

"You really are amazing." Seungkwan said.

"Thank you." She said, blushing a little, then she looked ate her watch. "God, look at the time. I didn't eat year."

"I brought food, you can eat with us." Mingyu offered, he was holding a paper bag.

"Mm... thank you." She said, politely. "But I promised Joshua some strawberry cake, he's probably thinking I forgot about him, and he is my ride home so... I better go."

She was already heading to the door.

"Today was really nice." Vernon said. "I hope we can spend more time together soon."

"Of course." She spoke. "We'll have a lot of time for it on tour."

"I'm looking forward to it." Mingyu said.

Tea just smiled shyly and left, saying goodbye to the boys.

When she left, Seungkwan hit Mingyu's arm.

"Stop fucking flirting with her! You made her uncomfortable."

"I did nothing, I just complimented her. I wasn't flirting." Mingyu said, sulking and holding his arm.

"She was super fine until you arrived." Seungkwan scolded him. "You entered the room and she fled. We were having fun here!"

"Well, why can you guys be the only one having fun?! I want to have fun with her too."

"Yeah, but not like us." Seungkwan said, angry. "Don't fuck things flirting with her, it can ruin our deal with the label! Remember what Cheol said!"

"Believe me." Mingyu said. "What Cheol said it's really clear in my mind."

******

Mya could tell Seungcheol was nervous.

He stayed silent the whole way to The Marmont. She was enjoying his silence.

He always looked so full of himself, and for the first time, she seemed to know he wasn't in his field.

She parked the car and headed to the hotel.

"Good afternoon, Miss Lee" that receptionist greeted her.

"Good afternoon, Maria. Can you send this to my room, while I have lunch with my guest, please?" She asked, with a polite smile, handing the girl the package she was holding.

"Sure, Miss. Do you need anything else?" The woman asked.

Seungcheol was impressed. Only the entrance was already so different from all the places he had been since he arrived at Los Angeles. Everything looked so expensive and so clean. The place was beautiful.

"No, that's everything, thank you."

"Have a good meal, miss." The woman said and Mya started to head to the restaurant.

"Seems like you are a faithful client." Seungcheol commented, while Mya guided him to the courtyard, greeting all the employees in the way.

"You can say that." She said, shrugging.

The courtyard was even beauties that the hall. All the plants and expensive furniture, even the way the sun was shining looked prettier in that place.

She led him to a part of the restaurant that was a lot emptier. Soon as they sat, a waiter came to take their order, Seungcheol didn't even had the time to look at the menu.

"Good afternoon, Miss Lee." The waiter said with a smile.

"Good afternoon, Julio. How is your wife? Recovering well from the surgery?"

"She's having trouble accepting she need to rest, but she doesn't have much choice." The man had a soft smile on his lips while talking to the girl.

"Ah she will recover soon and go back to work; tell her I said hello."

"I will, madam." The man said. "Do you want your usual order?"

"Mm... No, not today." She said, thoughtfully. "This is my new friend" she said the word with a frown. The man looked curiously to Seungcheol for the first time. "It's his first time at The Marmont, I think we need something special; don't you think?"

"Yes, madam." He spoke.

"Bring us the most expensive thing of the menu, please. And you best wine." She said, making Seungcheol nervous.

"Or do you prefer a stronger drink?" She asked, beating her eyes to him, innocently.

"I definitely will need a stronger drink." He said, coughing.

"Your strongest drink so." Mya said, looking at the waiter.

"Yes, Madam." The man said. I'll be back in a few minutes, with your entries."

"Thank you, Julio." She said smiling.

When the waiter left, she finally looked at Seungcheol. stop smiling.

"So, how do you intend to apologize for your bandmates behavior? Besides paying the bill, obviously."

She looked annoyed, what annoyed Seungcheol. She was being so polite and gentry to everyone, why was she being aggressive towards him?

"I actually don't think I have to apologize for anything, I don't believe my band mates did something so wrong." He said, crossing his arms, leaning against the chair.

Mya laughed.

"Good to know you think being late and being rude is normal. Now I know what to expect from you guys on tour."

"I guess I don't have to try hard to impress you since you already decided to hate us." Seungcheol pointed. He had told his movers to behave, but that doesn't mean he was going to lower his head to anyone who tried to look down on then. Even if this person was the big star of the company.

"I don't hate you guys." Mya said "But I also don't have many reasons to like you either."

"And it's not my job to give you one." He said leaning in her direction with s sheepish smile.

Goddess, she wanted to punch him in the face. Not everyone could go this far on taking her peace, but ChoiSeungcheol was definitely a pro at it.

"Look, me Tea and the boys worked really hard to get where we are, I'm not letting a bunch of douches ruining our hard work."

"And I'm not letting a brat get in the way of my dreams, so you better choose your battles." Seungcheol said.

The waiter was back at the table, and he wasn't alone, there were other waiters helping him to bring the food.

Mai was staring at Seungcheol the whole time, if looks could kill, he would already be dead. She didn't say a word until the waiters had left. Seungcheol didn't touch the food, it was smelling good, but he didn't want her to win.

She couldn't believe he called her a brat.

"Aren't you going to eat?" She asked, crossing her legs and arms. "You should enjoy your free meal, since I'm paying."

"I thought I would be the one paying." He spoke.

"C'mon, you don't have money to pay this, you just signed the contract. This is the most expensive entries and main plate. At The Chateau." She said, like it was obvious. "Besides, you will need money for a taxi. And since I live here, Julio probably already charged it on my monthly account. So, enjoy your meal."

Seungcheol wasn't happy about that, but he agreed.

"I owe you a meal." He spoke. "A really expensive one, I'll pay you it on tour."

She just brushed it off, that really meant nothing to her. The only thing he owed her was an apology, but he wouldn't admit that. So, she would have fun torturing him until he did.

"Did you just said you live here?" He asked, starting to eat.

"Yes." She spoke.

"If you have so much money, why do you live in a hotel?" He asked.

"I like it here, it's good to meet new people, and I don't have to worry with cleaning or cooking."

"You bandmasters also live in a hotel?" He asked, trying to maintain a conversation while eating.

"No." she said, starting her own meal too. "Tea and Shua share a house on the canyons, the house we all used to live together. Chan and Jun share a loft on Santa Monica."

"Chan?" Seungcheol asked, confused.

"Dino, our drummer. Aka my Little brother Lee Chan." She explained.

"Ah." Seungcheol mouthed. "So, you are the only one who lives alone out of then?" He asked.

"Yes." She spoke. "I prefer that way, but I'm always at the canyons to be honest. Can't stay away from my girl. Joshua always leaves her alone, because he is always on the studio. Jihoon totally spoiled him."

She suddenly felt she was talking too much and being too friendly to him, so she stopped.

"What about you bunch of stray kids?"

"We all live together, if that's what you are asking. We don't have much of a choice by now." He explained. "But I think things will get better soon, since now we have a contract."

Mya took a sip from her drink.

"You are lucky, since Jihoon found you a think you are good, he is the best producer to work with."

"I heard of this." Seungcheol said.

"He made a lot for us." She said, kind of contemplating her past.

Seungcheol was watching her close, she didn't look like he bitch he thought she was. She looked cool to be honest, when she was not trying so hard to be mean at him. And he had to admit she was hot, now that he wasn't picking on him or his friends.

He brushed that, thought away. She was a rock in shoe, and that was all.

She finished her food and got up.

"Well, that's it." She spoke. "I am already tired, so I am going back to my room. You can finish your meal, and then ask for a Taxi on the lobby. See you around, ChoiSeungcheol."

She didn't wait for a answers from him, just left like she didn't even care. But she was in fact, just trying to leave before she started liking him too much, because she was already starting to enjoy his company, and that was totally against her plan of not liking him at all.

Seungcheol finished his meal and called for the waiter.

"Can you get me the bill" he asked.

"The bill has already been added to Miss Lee's monthly expenses." The waiter explained.

"Yeah, she told me about this, but we had an agreement that I was going to pay for our meal, so can you please charge me instead of her?"

The waiter nodded and brought him the bill. Seungcheol was really impressed about how expensive it was, but he paid it anyway. He didn't want to owe her anything, he thought it could be a dangerous thing.

#rock with you #seventeen #fanfic #carat #70s au #kpop fanfic #uhlatcha #writing #kpop

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crazyworldofemmamarie · 1 year ago

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do you like any other older horror movies? That's a very dumb question but I'm unashamed about such things. I've rewatched some of the movies that really scared me when I was younger, and if anything they're even more scary now. I only watched 3 or 4 of the Saw films, but your blog is making me feel like looking again.

I love the entire genre, please yell at me if I mess up a reblog, or if my extensive experience in the field can help with your endeavors. I'm a John Carpenter fan from Way back; sometimes I don't know who directed what has become my favorite movie of the week and it turns out to be his...some of em aren't horror, like Starman, but it's heavy sci fi, and 80's Jeff Bridges is such a great actor...rambling with the lunatics. I like your blog! Don't fall for any of those HP Lovecraft movies; there's no sex in the books or stories so that Reanimator fool can go...sex was the selling point in the 80's though, guess it couldn't be avoided. I've read a ton; it's gotta be good for something. The way folks are saying manifest; that's made it back around after 24, 25 years. I'm tryna track something, for the good of everyone, but I'm no psychic medium, not even a small. If you think I made even a little bit of sense, I thank you for your time.

Okay! what's One movie you Won't watch, or Can't? I couldn't watch more than probably 10 minutes of High Tension, probably because I have kids, but I think that's the only one that keeps me from looking at it. Tobyn Bell should get a fun, dancing man role huh? He's pleasant to see if you ask me;) my kid's a huge Leatherface fan but they remember his name and everything. I "got" to see all the Faces of Death tapes as a teenager, we're fine, we're fine(just smile and nod)...I'm not sure how much longer I have on this earth, so I'm making it weird, and keeping it positive and spooky is challenging! But this Halloween will be my first single Halloween since lots of years ago and I am not going to let it slip past another year. My parent's were wed on Halloween, they forgot the 31st was already special, and I've always liked that memory of them making out on the couch between the trick or treat visits...anyway, have a great day, forgive me for going off on Every tangent, still looking for my pack y'know? Idk if covens advertise openings and I'm still learning to behave lmao...if intent is truly key, I am so good. My intentions are good. I'm never surprised that we get to know the "bad guys", monsters in the movies and stories that I personally can't really hate, or judge, but those are the fictional ones. Unfortunately the bad guys out here are really bad, and boringly bad. Yell at me any time, but y'know I won't hear it, lmao

Holy Moly, I am so sorry, my dumb ass basically took forever to figure out how to reply but hey I got it now, haha!

And no, don't worry about rambling I totally enjoy your stories and thoughts and I find it amazingly sweet that you even took the time to write to me, really and I am always open to chat! (And in all honesty, I am still learning to behave as it, but there's nothing wrong with having a little fun, wink wink.)

I do wanna ay I think it's super cool you're parents got married on Halloween, that's totally badass! Halloween is my favourite holiday, my Mom was super big on it because she never got to celebrate it when she was young cause she grew up super religious and it was to make up for lost time.

If I ever got married and I could convince my partner on a date, I probably pick October 1st, but in all honesty, as long as I can get married in Autumn I am totally happy. Though that's a rant for another time, haha.

Now to answer both of your questions:

I really like a lot of horror and I usually go from 1920s German Expressionism horror to present day. Though I am not gonna lie to you, I get really stuck with that late 60s/70s horror, especially that Art house horror like The Last House on the Left or I Spit On Your Grave cause I really enjoy realistic, could really happen horror, plus as a film manic, the 60s/70s had a lot of freedom with things like art and film and I just feel we get more out of that and I'm just like you where it's dirty, raw and full of sex, haha.

Though the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre from 1974 is my all time favourite horror film of all time, but I do really enjoy Last House, Spit on Your Grave, Black Christmas, The Wicker Man and all that.

80s is a hit miss for me, I'm really not a big fan of those popular slashers like Elm Street, or Child's Play or Friday the 13th, but love those somewhat terrible b movies like Sleepaway Camp or Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2.

B Movies are another big thing for me, anything from Puppet Master to Basket Case to Evil Dead.

Now to you second question, the one film I can't watch and it's one of the very few films I've seen once and it's Cannibal Holocaust. I don't know what it was, I love cannibalistic films like The Hills Have Eyes or Cannibal! The Musical; but for some reason, this film didn't sit right with me, I can't tell you if it was cause it was too realistic, too bloody or the fact that they killed real animals on camera or that in reality you don't really know who the villain's really are (that's another rant for another time, I gotta whole essay on that, yeah, I'm a loser haha). In all honesty, I think it was all of the above for me, either way I can't do it, I look away if I see even clips of it or something, though I am trying to hyper myself up and try to watch again in the future as a future film study since I believe it's on both Tubi and/or Shudder.

Either way, I thank you very much for message and posting ask! Don't be afraid to send more, I am always willing to chat, (now that I figured out how to reply) and I hope you don't mind that i post this if ya do, just shoot a me a message, but either way, thank you so much for your time!

#ask me anything

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ocean-poetry · 1 year ago

Text

I wish you were here again

I wish you were here again :(

It's not the first time I've been home since you died, but still, it hasn't been easy

I remember you so much. The things we used to do, the way you used to are for me.

I saw the bench in the park on the hill where you used to smoke weed with Anika. I saw the theater where we used to hang out after class.

They're only a couple blocks from each other! It's crazy how close everything is here.

Farther out, I remember the hill behind the high school that you showed me. Ive been there so many times, but every time I say "death hill" I still think of you

I go there a lot. With people I care about. It's my favorite spot to look at the city at night. I don't know if you ever got to see the view, but it's great! Especially on the fourth of July. You can see like 3 different fireworks show from one spot!

Unfortunately some dumb ass bought the property in front of it and fenced off most of it. The actual spot on the hill with the tree is still there, but I'm sure youd hate it just as much as I do.

What makes me saddest though is when I'm downtown and I see that gazebo. It's not something you ever got to make many memories with me at, though I do remember some.

I remember when we were walking home from the carnival, and we were passing by the park the gazebo is In.

Some creepy guy in his car kept staring at us. It was like 3 am, and there were no cars and he was just sitting at a stop sign. I remember you shouted 'do you fucking want something?' And he drove away. I always admired how brave you were for your friends.

I'm sure if you were with me in college you would've pushed me to meet more. Mind you COVID n all so idk. But idk. You would've told me I keep going, n pushing on. That I'm not alone. I just wish more people said that to you.

Y'know that gazebo was where Danny and I held a vigil for you. We had no idea what we were doing, I just picked a spot n a date. A week past the day of your death.

I was going crazy messaging people, just trying to figure it out. But a lot of people were down to show up. The day of, the gazebo was packed!

There were like 50 people there to honor you! We couldn't all fit in the gazebo at once haha. Your mom was there too.

We took turns talking about you. Telling each other stories that we loved about you. There were so many good ones. People started crying, saying the "flickering of the light was a sign that you were there" and some nonsense. Maybe you were, but I think you would've rolled your eyes at how corny it was.

So many people loved you. Even just people who saw you everyday n noticed you were gone. I loved you. Even when you moved schools. Even when we stopped talking, I still cared. I wore that bracelet you gave me every single day until it couldn't hold itself together.

When it was my turn to talk I couldn't think of what to say. I didn't feel like I deserved to. Honestly, Anika and her mom were there. It was really awkward considering all the drama, but in that moment it didn't really matter.

We both lost a friend, and that mattered more than whatever bullshit happened between us (it was my fault though). She gave me a hug after everyone left and it was nice. I'm sure that would've made you happy. It's just crushing it took you dying for us to make amends.

Even besides Anika, I wasn't even sure what I was to you. I honestly kept thinking we'd go to the fair once we graduated. When it came down to it, Sidney was the one who told me. It was so strange to me.

These people I knew and who barely knew you were sobbing. But no one asked how I was? It was like no one knew that I knew you. But I did!

You were the only one I was still friends with. The only one. And I treasured you. And you were gone.

When it came down to my turn, I didn't have anything to say because I frankly had no idea whether what I felt was even true. Whether I was deluding myself.

That I was just some kid you saw every now n then. But you were my damn best friend. You, Anika, Thayne, Natalie, all of you were my best friends. And I lost all of them, except you, and then I truly lost you.

I didn't have friends that I got to go trick or treating with. Not until I met you guys. You gave me a place to exist, a place to be comfortable.

I was silent before because I was scared that people would accuse me of not knowing you. I was scared because I couldn't talk out loud in front of them. But I can talk now. 5, almost 6 years since you died I can tell you how I feel.

I wish I knew you again. I wish you were here again.

I started smoking weed in college. I wish we got to smoke together. Y'know, all those times I said no in high school, it wasn't bc of you. I was waiting. I wanted to do it when we were older. I just wish I could've known that I wouldn't get the chance to.

You'd love how I've grown up. I wish I could tell you. Tell you about the kinks I'm into, tell you how I think I'm polyamorous. Which I know you'd like. I remember you'd always tell me about your ot3's n that those were your preferred.

I still remember the grin you'd have when you'd talk about gay stuff n yaoi. I remember the shock you n Anika had when I told you I already watched the yaoi you suggested. It was honestly one of the best moments of my life!

I remember your enthusiasm and your strength. The way you'd defend your friends and stick up for them. The way you'd help me out when no one else would.

But I also remember how much you hurt. I remember hearing people who just fucking hated you and I had no clue why. I wish they had been kinder to you. I wish I had known how much you needed help.

I thought you were stronger, that you could tough it out. But you couldn't. I honestly don't think you wanted to kill yourself. I think most people don't want to, they just let themselves get to a point in which they can't stop it. They've either stepped too far off to jump back, squeezed to hard on the trigger, or tied it just too tightly to get it undone. I'm sure you wanted to live, to see me again.

Since you died Ive been living with so much depression. Ive wanted to die so fucking badly. To see you again. It hurts. I've tied ropes around my neck, put razors to my skin, hell I even carved a sliver of my wrist away. But I never let myself go to far. Never put myself in a situation where I can let myself go too far.

And it's cuz I can't do to others what you did to me. To us. To everyone at that gazebo who was aching and crying because of the loss. We fucking loved you. We cared about you. We sobbed until we couldn't, and by fucking god we shouldve done that all while you were alive but sweet fuck I had no idea you would ever go that far.

Were you high when you died? Was it the weed that gave you the courage, or sap you of the sanity? Were you thinking clearly as you did it? Knowing what would happen?

All I can do is hope you weren't but fuck I don't know. You told me we would go to the carnival again. I never heard from you the year after, so I assumed we'd go the next year. Was it me? Was I too late? Should I have reached out?

The worst part of it all is that I know now how you felt. I can feel it in my soul. I hate myself so fucking much sometimes that I can't survive with that pain.

I hate myself for being a loser in college and ignoring my cool roommates bc I was scared they wouldn't like me bc they were the coolest people I ever met. I hate myself for not being able to tell anyone how much I hurt, bc I don't want them to hurt from it too.

This is agony. I hate myself so much, but I can't tell people out of fear that my depression will rub off on them, or turn them away from me.

I'm scared that when I tell them that "I feel so alone sometimes that I want to curl up into a ball and lay there for hours n block the world out" all they'll hear is a cry for attention. Wanting attention isn't a bad thing, but everyone treats it like it is.

I wish I could tell you how much I'm hurting. I wish I could tell you that I feel like I'm following in your footsteps. I wish you could break me out of my loop, to knock sense into me. But you're not alive to.

And if there's one thing I learned when you died, it's that people might care about you, but they won't care enough to say it until you kill yourself. But I need it. I need to hear that stuff. That I'm fine. That people like me and want to be my friend. I'm scared that I'm never going to make any more friends.

I went to college and major in Psychology so I could help keep people from killing themselves. You were my inspiration. The thing that drove me to it. And I am grateful, even if the means was horrible.

But now I think it might have been a mistake. I talk to people and they look at me like I'm an alien. Like I can't talk to them. People somehow expect all psychology people to know how to talk like therapists, so it I ever bring up something I learned people are always like "well uh dipshit if you knew psychology youd know there are better ways to talk about" like okay fucker 1st it I said it that way you'd be more suspicious and 2nd WHY IM NOT YOUR THERAPIST. Okay

I never went to a party in college. I never saw anything. I saw Sylvie though. I think you knew her cuz she was friends with Sidney but she kinda just ignored me. She said she'd text me so we could smoke together sometime since it was my last quarter... but she didn't :(

Maybe I just don't deserve friends. And frankly with the way I smoke and the way my depression is, I doubt I'd make a good therapist. I'd like to do research tho! It's just. Every time I feel decent about my life something comes up and makes me just hate myself.

Sometimes it's hot men reminding me what I'm not. Sometimes it's my friend Patrick reminding me that not only do I have no friends from college, but I also don't have any kink friends from events bc I'm too anxious to go there.

My life feels duct taped together, and though I'm glad with what I did - I'm happy where I got to go to college n that I have an awesome boyfriend - but I'm constantly reminded that all that I've accomplished is just the bare minimum. I should've done so much more. I'm 23 already. It feels like once I finally find my voice I'll be too old for people to care about.

I wish I had friends to talk to like I did with you :( I just wanna go hang out with people who smoke weed. Talk to them about hating myself. Be genuine n honest. Someone who knows how I feel. But idk. I don't think there's anyone out there who'd wanna talk to me about this stuff.

I just. My life feels duct taped together. I don't think I ever told you this, but my dad had dimentia. I should've :( you weren't doing good after your dad died. I was selfish. I figured bc I was fine with my dad leaving my life you'd be fine with yours. But you weren't. N I was probably one of the few people that could relate. N I just never told you what happened.

I wish I could've found someone in college. A friend. To take me to cool parts of the forest, show me where to smoke weed. Talk to me about life, n all the cool parts of the world. Discuss how agonizing it is to exist, n the pains of depression. N the joys of being queer n existing. I just need something like that again.

Something. But I don't think it'll ever happen. Tried making friends with a boy named Johny but he was super closeted n like even when I was graduating he barely wanted to hang out n when we did hed just pretend he didn't know me :(

I miss my trans roommates. They were sick. You would've loved em. Had some of the best styles I've ever seen. It's funny like on the one hand I adore like sapphic style but on the other I was sexually abused by a woman so my view of womanhood is warped. So like. Any desire for womanhood would have been scrapped by it. But still it's cool. Idk what I'm talking about anymore. I'm so confused. I barely talked to em when I was there anyways so it's not like I really deserve to hear from em again..

I miss you so much. I wish I had someone to talk to like you again :(

#my poems #authors note: turns out i was hungry

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doe-writes-stuff · 2 years ago

Note

It’s me! Welcome back from your hunt!! I hope all went well!!

Could I please request:

Glenn Rhee x Dixon!Reader!

What if when the group reunites after Woodbury, Daryl is deciding to go with Merle and Reader has to decide between the Dixon’s or her new family! (You can choose which one the reader chooses)

Thank you !! 💕

Oooh, yes! Unfortunately the hunt didn't get me a deer, lol, but that ok. I really like this idea, thank you so much for requesting it from me. Sorry this took a little while, I am a bit slow when writing for new fandoms since I scrutinize it a lot before posting. <3 Please enjoy~

WARNINGS: Merle and his mouth, slight angst, mentions of canon-typical violence, established relationship between Glenn and reader, strong language

Merle was, by all accounts, the stupidest idiot in the fucking world.

Why hadn't he gone back to the Atlanta camp all that time ago? Just left you behind, off to survive on his own? Had it not been for him, none of this would have happened in the first place. Your boyfriend wouldn't have been beaten to a pulp--that was a conversation you'd have to have with Merle later--Daryl never would have gotten left behind in Woodbury to be possible walker food, and this whole argument of staying or going would have been unnecessary. If he weren't your brother, you would have beaten his ass. You still might...

And now you stood between your two families--the one you'd always known and the one you'd discovered recently--with the most difficult decision to make.

You wanted to punch something. Merle's face was looking more and more like a good place to start...

"Well...I can see ol' Merle ain't welcome here no more. All this animosity's tastin' real sour." He said with a glare at everyone who wasn't you or Daryl. He gestured for the two of you to follow. "Come on, then. Best be on our way 'fore dark."

Daryl was on Merle's side. Of course he was. He'd always fallen in line with your eldest brother's dumb-assery growing up. You didn't blame him, exactly, but it was sad to see him returning to old habits without any resistance. And no matter how much Rick pleaded for him to reconsider, his answer was solid and unwavering: no Merle, no Daryl either.

You stood, arms crossed with a decidedly pissed-off expression on your face. You could practically feel Glenn's hard stare at your back, piercing and hopeful. He wanted to say something, to plead for you to stay, but kept quiet. Maybe the fact you hadn't moved an inch gave him the impression your mind was already made up. In truth, you were still torn, but you appreciated him not pestering you about this.

They were your brothers. You'd grown up together. Gone through hell together. Had each other's backs--for the most part. You loved them both. Were you so willing to let that go?

But the family, the home, you'd found and cultivated with the ragtag and unlikely group of survivors from all the way back in Atlanta had established itself in your heart. With a bit of surprise, you realized that leaving it all behind would hurt a lot worse than you'd ever anticipated it would. Especially Glenn. You loved him. Truly loved him.

They'd been nothing more than a possible source of supplies to steal, in the beginning. Look how far you'd all come together.

Fuck.

The older Dixon pinned you with a hard look when you didn't immediately come along with him and Daryl, trekking closer to the wood's edge. He turned, frown evident and hard. "Y/N, get your ass over here. We're leavin.'"

The atmosphere was tense, everyone pinning their attention on the Dixon clan. Your jaw worked back and forth in silence for several seconds, staring down your eldest brother, stalling those last few moments to give you time to really commit to the decision you knew was right.

"Go on, then." You say, gesturing to the woods they were heading towards. "I'm stayin.'"

"Like hell you are." Merle was swift to angrily retort, affronted with the reality that you refused his decision. Daryl just looked at you with a mixture of emotions you couldn't quite decipher. "Ain't no Dixon I know who'd turn their back on family. On blood. Best cut this shit out."

"Ain't sayin' it again, Merle. If you're leavin', then leave. I'm not goin' with." The second rejection is a lot easier to verbalize, and it only helps to solidify that what you chose was right. And, just because you knew verbal jabs was a large part of Merle's vocabulary, you left him with a parting dig. "Always were real good at walkin' away, leavin' us on our own when we needed you the most. Figures you'd do it all over again..."

You couldn't leave the others behind. Not like this. Not when the relationship you'd developed with Glenn had been progressing so well. You would have regret ever turning your back on him.

It's clear your words have pissed him off badly. His jaw is tight and he straightens up, insulted. The hurt was evident in Daryl's eyes, but behind it you thought you saw...envy. At least, you hoped so. If Daryl could change his mind, maybe Merle wouldn't be so quick to-

"Showin' your true colors now, huh? Well, let me tell you somethin'..." The venom in his tone is evident, purely meant to hurt you. And it does, though you tell yourself to stand your ground against your brother's ire. "Daryl and I? Don't need you anyhow. Never did. Weren't much of a Dixon to begin with!"

The words sting, no matter how much you don't want them to.

You feel Glenn step closer to you, perhaps intending to defend you somehow against your brother's words, but Daryl beats him to it, grabbing onto Merle's shoulder. "Enough, Merle. Let's just go."

The older Dixon shrugs off Daryl's hand, stare pinning you for several seconds, before dismissing you with a toss of his hand. "Just you and me now, little brother. Better on our own anyway. No dead weight to hold us back."

You watch your brothers walk away, clenching your fists tightly, drawing half-circle of blood in your palm when your nails sink in.

Rick advises you all to head back to the prison, and you don't resist when Glenn gently lays a hand on your shoulder, prompting you to turn and leave with them.

Merle was right about one thing...animosity tasted real sour.

"Y/N-"

"Just stop." You cut Glenn off as you entered the shared cell space. Tossing your jacket to the ground uncaringly, you sat on the bottom bunk and ran your hands over your face. Stress settled on your shoulders like hundred pound weights. "Don't wanna talk about it."

You feel his hesitation, and for a second you feel bad for snapping. Risking a glance up, you're reminded that Glenn had not too long ago gotten the shit beat out of him. His face was still banged up, bruises and a split lip fresh and evident. His eyes show clear concern. You look away in shame.

"Ok. We won't talk about it." He concedes with a nod, clearly not totally satisfied with the decision but compromising for the time being. He sits on the bed beside you, hand laid palm-up on the bed as invitation. "For what it's worth...I'm glad you stayed."

You don't say anything, biting back the retort that you'd just let go of your brothers to do so. It's an effort, the instinct to lash out and attack with words when you were agitated, but you managed. Between you and Daryl, you'd always had an easier time unlearning that particular Dixon trait. It wasn't exactly effortless, though.

This was Glenn. He didn't judge. Not you.

Some--but not all--of the anger subsided. Enough so that you shifted your hand to place it on his own, fingers intertwining together gently. He gives your hand a gentle squeeze, before leaning in to place a kiss to your temple.

When it's clear you're not going to say anything further, Glenn releases your hand and stands, wandering off. Perhaps to find Herschel and get himself looked over. You hope so. Merle had done a number on him.

You went to bed early, mind too tumultuous to interact with the others for the rest of the day. There was probably a lot of planning around the Governor going on, but really...you couldn't be bothered to give a fuck. At least until morning.

You're roused from sleep when Glenn returns to your cell. He undresses, down to his boxers and some comfortable shorts. He's careful with how he moves, and when he approaches the bed to slip in behind you. He thinks you're still asleep, you realize.

He pauses when you shift over enough to allow him space to lay down, not expecting you to be awake. But he recovers quickly and settles in his typical place at your back, chest pressed against you and arms wrapped easily around your middle.

Nothing is said, but he can tell that most of the anger from that afternoon was gone, replaced with sleep and regret. He only hopes that it isn't regret from leaving your brothers behind.

"Sorry." You mutter, and his head shakes against the pillow behind you.

"You don't have to be."

"Shouldn't have pushed you away like that."

"It's been a stressful day." He excuses in a tired voice. "For all of us."

You settle in closer, sighing in content and guilt as he pulls you in. You're damn lucky that things hadn't ended up worse. You knew there was more to talk about regarding the whole situation, but for now, you could leave a pin in it and rest.

You shift a little. "Glenn?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

You feel him press a kiss just above your ear. "Love you too. Nothing's gonna change that."

#glenn rhee #glenn Rhee x reader #g/n reader #the walking dead x reader #the walking dead #twd #scenario #request #bringinsexybackk69

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