#ughhhh its so despairing

[minmin-vs-physics]

anyone applying to grad school feel like their list is wayyy too unrealistic? idk whenever i do grad app stuff, i take d10 damage from impostor syndrome. (and i have to rlly do grad app stuff now so guess what's happening)

[magicamicitia]

WARNING: Mentions of suicidal/intrusive thoughts.

Volume One, Chapter Two

“You’re not alone anymore.”

Beep.

Beep.

Beep.

Click!

Sunset Shimmer once again woke up to the sound of her alarm clock, and carried on with her morning routine as normal. However, the memories of the previous afternoon refused to leave her thoughts.

She was aware of the existence of magic in other worlds, but… This one wasn’t supposed to be one of them. So what’s up with all of this? Magical girls? Witches? A talking cat-with-bunny-ears freak? It was weirder than anything she’d ever seen in any other world. Apparently, humans like her weren’t supposed to be able to see witches like she did. Sunset figured her background as a magic interdimensional traveller could explain that abnormality.

Whatever this all meant, she hoped Twilight knew what she was doing.

“I have no idea what I’m doing!” Twilight Sparkle skipped nervously around her room.

“Don’t worry!” the small white creature, who referred to itself as ‘Kyubey’, carefully groomed its fur in a corner. “If you ever need any help, you can always ask me.”

Twilight couldn’t help but roll her eyes.

“Yeah, that’s real reassuring. The last time I asked for your help, You-“

Her train of thought was crudely interrupted by a knock at the door.

“Sweetie?” Her mother’s voice called. “Are you okay in there? You’re gonna be late if you don’t come out soon!”

“Shoot! I’d better get going!”

She left her home in a hurry as to avoid being late, despite her family’s attempts to tell her she still had twenty minutes until her usual time of departure. With a half-eaten sandwich in her hands and a trusty Kyubey over her shoulders, she was surely ready for another day as a high school student AND magical girl!

Huh?

Twilight Sparkle suddenly felt a strange weight on her chest. looking down at the soul gem ring on her finger, she noticed it emitted a strange glow.

“What’s all this now?”

“Your soul gem is reacting to magic,” kyubey answered. “There must be a witch nearby! We have to go after it!”

“NOW?! I can’t go after a witch NOW! I couldn’t even finish off the last one, and if I take too long fighting it… I’ll be…”

She gulped, terrified.

“…TARDY!!!”

“Twilight! You’re a magical girl now, the future of humanity relies on you battling witches!”

“I know, I know… But… Like, can’t you do it or something?”

“Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do about witches in their physicial form. But once you defeat the witch, I can collect its grief seed and make sure it never comes back!”

“Ughhhh!!! Fine, I’ll do it, I’ll do it…”

Her soul gem’s magic led her to a beautiful hedge maze just outside an ancient history museum.

“Wow… this place looks so peaceful. Odd spot for a witch to make its lair.”

“You’re right, Twilight. Usually, witches will try to hatch in locations where they can collect the despair of nearby victims. But this maze is a total ghost town…”

“Well, then that must mean this one doesn’t feel like it needs any extra power, huh?”

“Yes. We’d better get ready; we’re about to enter the labyrinth, quite literally.”

As Twilight moved towards the center of the maze, she could feel reality around her become more and more distorted. But she noticed a strange consistency among the chaos.

“These patterns… these creatures… This is the same witch from yesterday!”

Kyubey backed up against Twilight’s legs, looking for refuge. “Looks like we got real lucky then. If we had decided to fight it then, with a human tagging along, things would have gotten real dangerous.”

Twilight spared no time - casting her magical power, she transformed into her magical girl self and barged through the horde of familiars with her shield. The familiars, however, laughed at her futile attempts. Their torn bodies sewed themselves back together to take on another form.

“P…Principal Celestia…?” Twilight felt an enourmous weight fall onto her shoulders.

“Twilight Sparkle,” said the mirage. “What are you doing here, when you should be at school? You used to be such a good student…”

“U-Used to be? No, no, I still am! In fact, I was on my way back-“

“It’s too late for that now. You’ve already been expelled from Crystal Prep, do you want me to expel you from Canterlot High as well? That won’t look good on your records.”

“No! I wasn’t expelled! Candace just thought it would be better for me if…”

Her legs were shaking.

“I… I’m… You’re not supposed to be here!”

Mustering up her strength, Twilight attacked the illusion of Celestia with everything she had. The familiars, however, simply dissolved themselves while laughing, leaving Twilight to fall to the ground, crying and defeated.

“What’s happening… Why am I… So weak…?”

The laughter around her turned to chants.

“End it!”

“What good is a magical girl who can’t fight a witch?”

“End it!”

“Give up your soul gem and feed us!”

“End it!”

“End it!”

“End it!”

Her vision was starting to get blurry. Why did she accept this awful offer in the first place?! She didn’t have what it took to be a magical girl at all!

Oh,

That’s right…

The reason was…

“Hold on tight, sugarcube!”

From the skies, a mysterious sillhouette came down to Twilight’s aid. Once it landed, she was surprised to see another magical girl, just like her!

Well, maybe her clothes were a little different. Very country. And instead of a shield, this girl took out five mint-condition flintlock muskets from her stylish cowboy hat. With the aim and confidence of a professional, she took down the monsters without missing a single shot. Then, she whipped her hair around, adjusted her hat, and turned to a baffled Twilight on the ground.

She smiled and reached out her hand.

“You alright over there?”

Before she could even say anything, four other girls made their way to Twilight and the mysterious magical girl.

“AJ, no fair! You said this one was mine!” A feisty girl with rainbow-colored hair rushed in first, clearly very upset.

“Oh, darling, please, that was clearly not the witch. You’re making a scene for no reason.” Added a purple-haired girl dressed in gorgeous modern-victorian couture.

“Wait,” said the multicolor girl. “Who’s that one over there?”

“I-I’m… Twilight… Twilight Sparkle…” She clumsily adjusted her glasses and got up.

“Pleasure to meet ya, Twilight.” The girl with the muskets smiled. “Name’s applejack.”

“I’m Rainbow Dash!” the spunky girl added.

“My name is Rarity, but you may call me Miss Rarity if you’re a fan.”

“Oh, I’ve heard your name before! You’re like, a prodigy star of the design world, right?”

“You’re quite right, darling! And those two over there are Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy.”

“W…Woah… So, you’re all magical girls…?”

“ALMOST all of us. Flutter can’t seem to come up with a wish, so we just drag her along as moral support.” Rainbow Dash cut in with a sarcastic tone.

“Rainbow, don’t say that!” Applejack reprimanded. “Don’t you worry, sugarcube. I know how scary it is to fight them mean witches all by yourself, but you’re not alone in this no more. We got your back!”

[sub10-fort]

the transition from being a new chatter to becoming a regular is so despair

bc every chat has its own micro culture and ughhhh idk i feel weird yapping it up in new chats like i feel like i'm getting into someone's friend group and i think we're all friends but idk maybe we're not

[loveeari]

i'm bored so im just gna yap abt controversial ships that mostly everyone likes and i can't like because of how overdone overused and non true to canon they are but there socially acceptable because there homosexual. yes im talking about wolfstar and no i don't care how it is the pinnacle for all shipping fandom and blah blah blah

imma be real wolfstar to be brings me the same irritation that dramione brings me like utter despair. i literally can't read a fic if there's a semblance of wolfstar.

i know people are gonna be like, "dOn't ReAd iT tHeN"

ever decent fic i come across its always THAT SAME FUCKING SHIP im sick of it like they can't sirius be shipped with LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE with how sexualized everyone makes both of them out to be actually i would've thought it wouldn't be that hard.

yeah ya'll are weird for making remus this sex god like i can't see it. fuck canon but personailty wise like i don't know. also this god awful mischaracterization of sirius and the need for him to be made at as defenseless is so fucking weird dude like why can't we expand about his family or his relationship with his brother but we can't ever get that because wolfstar gets in the way of everything and then regulus is always fucking james so likeidnfpsurgb[wguw0]n

idk imma keep ranitng abt

also the people that made nymphadora a literal incuabtor for wolfstar baby need to count there days BECAUSE WDYM you couldn't make a decent ass ship work without kidnapping remus's and tonks kid bro. like how weird are yall. if you can't make a fake baby and just give it to them by adoption and have the need to steal it from a canonical couple yall are so fucked in the head sometimes tbh. (anyone that wants to argue with me abt it just block me or ill do it for you idc"

looking at you jegulus shippers which is odd i don't hate jegulus but why is it for every mlm ship to work out you have to destroy a womans characgter to make it work

dead lily

abusive lily

james and lily never worked

lily's a bitch

incubator lily

and on an on it goes isn't that right?

also i hated remus in canon hp for being a grownups adult and couldn't even talk to his best friends kid

"it's so mean that harry doesn't consider remus family"

remus always kept t professional relationship with harry. not harry remus the adult in the situation who's always used being a werewolf to cover all his problems. at least sirius can admit he's fucked straight up and own it.

but yeah sure he's a great character no flaw's always perfect

ughhhh

[plaindangan]

Little bit of an unorthodox ask. Not sure if this classifies as ToD or something but, may we get the girls of class 78 (plus Chihiro and/or Komaru if you're into those things) do a Fuck, Marry, Kill with the options being the 3 protags. With a small little sentence or 2 as reasoning behind each choice. Think it'll be entertaining, and hopefully fun to write!

Disclaimer: Below is content that's more on the racy side! If not for you, you probably shouldn't read!

(Normally wouldn't quite do this considering it goes past the limit, but since the requirements are on the shorter, not descriptive heavy side, thought it might be fun to do. Also replacing Kill with Kiss, so hope you don't mind!)

Kyoko

"Marry Makoto. Fuck Shuichi and Kiss Hajime. I wouldn't choose any other person besides Makoto at this point to marry. For Shuichi, I work with him and he holds a similar 'asset' to Makoto that I enjoy, so doing it with him would probably be a pleasurable experience. So that leaves Hajime for the kiss, and he's a fairly attractive man in his own right so there's no issues with that."

Mukuro

"...M-m-marry Makoto. He's the first person to really treat me like someone so, you know? As for the others...I-I guess if I had to choose, Fuck Hajime since I hear he's actually pretty strong and I would want to test that out in bed? And Shuichi's at least is cute enough to want to at least give a kiss?"

Sayaka

"I feel like who I'm going to pick to marry is obvious!~ It's pretty much the same like Kyoko for me! There's no guy but Makoto that I want to marry, so for the other two its pretty much down to simple differences that I like more."

Hina

"Um...I guess I choose marry Makoto? I know him the most a-and he's helped me with some...personal stuff. So he works! I'd Fuck Hajime since, yeah, I've actually seen him without his shirt on thanks to Akane, so trying him would really work. It just leaves Shuichi and he's kinda cute so it works out."

Celeste

"I would choose Shuichi, if mostly because he's probably the richest of the three who could spoil me best~ Makoto has the perfect body to whip into submission, which just leaves Hajime to bask in the right to get a kiss from me."

Toko

"A-a-a-as if I'd ch-choose anyone but my Master!!!!!...B-but on t-t-totally m-made up note...Hajime, Makoto, then Shuichi. O-one has M-master's body, th-the other w-would be good practice for him and detectives and I d-don't mix so...he's last."

Sakura

"If I were to choose a lifelong partner, than Hajime and his physique would be an adequate choice. I hear Shuichi is also working out with his peers, so I assume a...night with him would work out. I hope Makoto wouldn't mind just receiving a kiss."

Chihiro

"I-It's me next, huh? Well...I suppose marry Makoto, then 'do it' with Hajime and kiss Shuichi. I know Makoto far better than the other two and he's really supportive, so I think it would work best with him. A-after that, well, I actually met Hajime while working with Chiaki s-so...I-I probably shouldn't say~"

Komaru

"What!? Why am I here!? Ughhhh, all these options aren't the greatest...I guess, marry Shuichi, since he's kind of the hottest between him and Hajime to me, though with Hajime I bet he'd probably be pretty great in bed. A-a-a-and Makoto just gets a peck on the forehead! I'm done!"

Junko

"And saving the best for fucking last!!! Now, of these three peasants who shall bear the privilege of being with moi!? Puhuhuhu~ It's Makoto I'm marrying! That Hope has to have a limit and I wanna be with him for the rest of my life to see it! (Sigh)....I guess Hajime to fuck with....literally. He's not Izuru...but guys like him who get with someone outside of their league, seeing their despair as they try to satisfy me is pretty fucking good. Yay, yay, yay! It just leaves Shuichi to take a nice, wet, french kiss from me that it'll make him crave more! Too bad he'll never experience it again~ Puhuhuhu!"

[projectcruise]

Chapter 3

“Behind closed doors”

At last it was time for Penelope to visit the location of the final suspect, cabin D4. As she drew closer, she could barely hear crying…? The sound was muffled, yet easy to hear. She walked up to the door and knocked.

*double tap* *triple tap* *single tap*

Nobody answered. Instead, she was met with an aggressive shout.

“GO AWAY!”

This left Penelope no choice but to unlock the door. She pulled out the golden keychain the captain had entrusted her with,sorted through the keys,took out the one labeled D4, inserted it into the slot, and unlocked the door.

On the cabin bed lay a small calico cat girl, sobbing and yelling into her pillow.

“NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR!!!! GO AWAY!!!!” she yelled

Her shouts were so loud and full of despair that the large pillow barely muffled her words. It seemed that she would be difficult to approach.

“Hey, I just need you for a quick interview,” Penelope asked hesitantly.

“NO WAY. JUST LEAVE,.”

the girl exclaimed as her weeping continued.

What was her problem? Penelope wondered. Was this a stress response to the current situation, or caused by being stuck on the ship? Was she a close friend of Marigold or was this about something else entirely?

Penelope decided to make one last attempt at asking her again before leaving.

“Ok, I’ll leave you be if you can tell me why you’re so upset.”

“UGHHHH, YOU REALLY HAVE NO SENSE OF RESPECT, DO YOU? MY BIRTHDAY WAS RUINED. THAT’S WHY I’M CRYING OK?!?”

Penelope stood there totally speechless for just a moment. She did not flinch and stood calmly while keeping a neutral expression.

“ARE YOU HAPPY NOW !???!!!”

the kitten yelled. She was obviously annoyed by Penelope’s presence. The detective was well aware of this, but her curiosity kept her listening.

“UGHHH, YOU’RE SERIOUSLY TESTING MY PATIENCE! YOU GOT YOUR ANSWER, SO LEAVE.”

That was enough. Penelope decided it would be best to do as she promised and leave the girl alone. She was left with many

unanswered questions but alas she exited the cabin.

She decided it would be a good idea to head back to the rest of the locked rooms now that she had reached the end of the deck. She remembered the music coming from C4 earlier and was incredibly curious, so she made that her next destination.

The detective once again walked the vast hallway until she arrived at the door. Oddly enough, the tune could still be heard. Whatever they were up to, there was clear dedication! She proceeded to pull out the keyring, took out the key for the room and unlocked the door.

She turned the handle and attempted to push it in, but couldn’t., Something was blocking the door! Suddenly, she heard a voice.

“Owch! Hey, what was that?”

The door opened. Behind it stood a blue-eyed golden retriever with a large pair of headphones around its neck.

“Yoo, dude! Sorry bout’ that, I was just jammin’ out and lost track of time,” he said, realizing it was the detective standing outside his door.

“I’m not a dude.”

“Oh, I see… so you’re the serious type, huh? I get it.”

“You could say that. Anyway, I’m here to ask you a few questions. Please follow me”

“No problemo!”

Penelope escorted the canine to the billiard room and sat down at the same table once more.

“So, what’s your name and why did you decide to board this ship?”

“The name’s Leyla. I simply came to have a good time, ya know? Summer vacation and all that jazz.”

“I can tell you like music. What else do you do?”

“Ah, I didn’t literally mean jazz... like the music. Well, I’m a lifeguard. I also love to hit the waves! I used ta’ be a full-time surfer but surfin’ won’t pay the bills... Oh well, a dog can only dream.”

“ I didn’t assume you did. Well, tell me, do you know anything regarding the murder of Marigold Seashine?”

“Nahhh, dude, I don’t know anything.”

“Really?” she replied. She thought his response seemed rather lacking.

“Yeah dude, I'm positive. I was just listening to my jams, and then the captain called an emergency yada yada. I bet you know the story by now.”

“Ok, well, I can’t do anything other than take your word for it. You may head back now.”

They both walked back to Leyla’s cabin. Penelope followed behind the dog just to ensure she’d reach her destination.

Now only one locked door remained, room C2. Her first destination was now her last.

Penelope confined to walk down the hall and arrived at the cabin. She knocked again, but there was no response. Without hesitation, the detective took out the key and unlocked the door.

To her surprise, when she opened the door, the room was completely empty! She could’ve sworn the captain said there was a passenger in there… Did the captain misremember the room number? Nobody could’ve just up and left the place. The trash was empty, the bed was made, nothing suggested someone had been there.

It was beginning to get dark so she decided that this would be a good place to pause. She let the captain know she was going home and would share her findings tomorrow.

That night Penelope remained curious about the room and the other passengers. Besides that, she couldn’t wait to find out what the important tool the Captain had hinted at was supposed to be. Although all these thoughts kept racing through her head, it had been such a long day for the young detective that she had no trouble falling asleep.

[deuxcherise]

Current Status / Past Updates

Masterlist -----🍒-----

I guess this is the section where I just want to add some disclaimers (just in case, ya never know) and other updates.

All of the pictures used thus far are from Google so far. They are not mine, unless I have stated explicitly that I made them (which of June 3, 2024- not yet haha.)

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Update (June 3, 2024):

I may take a hiatus from my daily posting on June 5th since I'm going on an overseas tour for two weeks. Also creativity is high but the will to write them down is severely lacking. I gotta take a break... ughhhh. But I hope to be able to post every so often, but if not then I hope to resume once I come back. Yeeeee. Have a good day, afternoon, and night, ya'll!

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Update (June 24, 2024):

I'M BACK YOU LOVELY LITTLE BI- Bees. I meant to say bees, because all of you readers are so sweet~ Thank you for visiting this blog, and thank you to those who keep coming back. I've also shifted these updates to its own posts so that it won't bog down the Masterlist.

For the stories that have been on hiatus, I am currently working on them but they may not come out in the immediate future since I'm still settling back in to the fray. The time difference between countries... jeez, it really drags you down, ya know? I keep falling asleep during the daytime! Even more than I usually do!

And wow, I've finally reached the point an anon has asked if I do requests. I was so delighted when I saw it (imagine my despair when I found it while I was in the middle of hiatus :'D ahahaha...), but anyway, I shall further elaborate on requests in case anyone would like to send in the future. Keep in mind I am just starting out. I will tweak the details in the future as I become more comfortable.

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Update (July 3, 2024)

I'm going to declare a hiatus on some (or well, I guess all of them at the moment) of my series since I'm just really... stuck. Calling it Writer's Block. I'm going to go touch some grass, smell some roses, and then I'll come back to them. They are currently in writing/editing hell. I'll try my best to post on every Thursday, but we shall see.

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Update (August 15, 2024)

I'm declaring an official hiatus starting next week since I'm preparing to head back to school soon!

So there will not be a new release next week. Also, I'd like to give some more thought and time to the upcoming chapters to my series. Especially the Rebirth story. I have a few stories already written but I don't feel ready to post them yet. I may or may not post periodically until I resume a weekly release. Until then, see ya!

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Update (November 15, 2024)

So compared to the last update, I'm not really on a hiatus anymore, but I am also not going to stick to an entirely consistent schedule due to time management issues and real life events (and sometimes just plain writer's block).

However, when I do post, it'll typically be on a Thursday around 5PM. Else if there is a special occasion, then I will post on those days- like a random example could be Pancake Day or official holidays like Christmas.

So yeah, that's pretty much it. I do appreciate and enjoy when I see readers come onto this space and show their love. Thank you so much, everyone! Love you all! 💕

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Update (December 12, 2024)

It has been a tough time during the last several months of this year, what with mental health issues and university exams, but I am still going to continue to post whenever I can. As per the last update, when I do post- it will typically be on Thursdays around 5PM, unless there is a holiday or special occasion, but I cannot guarantee every week.

Now, for those who have been following me for certain works, I will address it here. The series that I will try to continue working on (or rather, what I am interested in at the moment) will be as follows:

Collar Crimes (Original Series)

Notice me, Mrs. Kamisato! (Kamisato Ayato Fanfic)

The Rebirth Series (Dottore x Reader) will be put on hiatus indefinitely. It is deeply regrettable but I feel I don't have the right mindset to continue it properly. I may come back to it one day, but at the moment I do not have any plans for it.

Other plans I have right now would be writing a sort of Part 2 to The Hare and the Fox. And kind of, uh, writing more hybrid-related stuff, if I am still interested.

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Also, random fun fact, I write a lot for Kamisato Ayato but actually Childe/Tartaglia is my favorite Genshin Impact character and I swear to god, I somehow cannot write for that damn redhead. I've tried, and I am suffering. Dear lord, why is it difficult???

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Update (January 9, 2025)

First update of the year, wooo!

So I just wanted to say happy new year to everyone. Again, I deeply appreciate those who come to this place (new and returning) and check out my writing. I hope you all are having a splendid first month of the year.

At the moment I am in the midst of multiple drafts and plans for upcoming holidays. Between that, and work, and other things life has placed on my path, I am... well, here! And I will continue to be here for as long as I can!

But anyway, I just wanted to say that I have a Ko-fi now! Feel free to donate, as it would really help me out. 🥰

That being said, I will still be releasing chapters for my series as per usual and whatever random thing happens to pop into my head. Until next time, see ya!

[mbabol]

howwow night

finally. defeated soulmaster. jesus christ. i hated him. closest thing i felt to despair in this game

erm i only went that way to the city also bc npc told me i should get my weapon upgraded before i challenge mantislords. so i did. where am i gonna find ore btw

mantislords honestly ngl felt so much better than soulmaster. soulmaster made me wanna commit violence. mantislords made sense.

THE MANTISES ACCEPT ME NOW........THEY DONT ATTACK ME WTH

i havent even been able to keep up with the lore stuff. um. i didnt go into the deep nest yet bc i wanted to unlock the areas i could go with slam.

got lost trying to find the crystal slam spot and ended up getting into the caves thru some other bullshit path.

got EXTREMELY lost as a result, i hate thise flying crystal bugs btw

get so lost i fall into the burial mounds somehow (?)

DREAM VISION? I WAS RIGHT AGAIN THERES THREE GUYS AND A MAIN ONE. WHY ARE THEY HERE ? I WAS SO SCARED THAT I WOULD HAVE TO FIGHT

i was so impatient btw to get out that when the dream sequence wnded and i was supposed to follow the appearing steps i literally kept jumping off my platform before the steps could form. i did that like four times before i gave up and just waited to see what would maybe happen

SO THATS WHAT RHOSE WEIRDO TREES ARE FOR <- dream nail

i somehow make my way back to the crystal caves after all this. i hate most of these puzzles. i REALLYYYY hated the crusher puzzles. i legitimatelt thought i wouldnt be able to finish those

i did tho.

i think i finished most of the crystal caves....? i got the crystal power dash so. yeah

caterpillar grandpa gave me a grub charm !

went back to the city of tears dont rmember why. exploring. i opened sewers the first time around but didnt go in bc it was dark. went in with the firefly lamp thing i bought. its horrifying down there.

THE MOBS IN THE SEWERS WERE SO CREEPYYYYYY UGHHHH I HATED IT !!!

the sounds they made wrre so unpleasant i honestly need to go back to finish exploring bc i mightve missed loot. i defeated the sewer boss tho one try hell yeah

oh yeah i died like five times in the crystal caves

i lost money once too.

found kings station......intriguing. also the poor little rich citizen zombies. i feel so bad abt the one who runs away. am i the bad guy? ive got a couple more cutscenes and plaques that suggest that i might be

OH YEAH I KNOW NOW so it seems like someone called the hollow knight sacrificed themselves to contain the orange plague in some way. it doesnt look very contained to me, but idk if that means it didnt work or if this is the best they can do actually and its just not spreading further. so i assume the hollow knight like. holds it somehow. in their body. which im wondering if i will end up doing in the end. bc. from the early game comment. i might be a little bit hollow myself.

the ghosties also said something like fhe plague is coming back...? do we need to renew the seal or somethng? i knew it wasnt really working as planned

um also i challenged the red guy in the burial grounds. he also wasnt too bad especialg when i figured out he cant get me when im healing underneath rhe platform. so. he also said some strange things. why did he attack the king? why was it assumed i would also attack the king? i thought the king was providing me soul? why provide soul if he isnt benevolent? what would i gain from fighting him? questions wuestions

im also trying so hard to save these grubs I HAD TO GO IN A TOMB FOR ONE. RHERE WERE GROSS MUMMY MOBS !!! IT WAS DISGUSTING THE SOUNDSSS THEY MADE

uh also somewhere in fungal mounds or whatever its called theres a crying person but i cant figure out how to get to them to talk lol

theres also some puzzles that i couldnt figure out that i might retry. acid is somehow my worst enemy still

i have so many rancid eggs now. why am i collecting thwm ?

[opals4eyez]

On Recommendation from my therapist

I had my 4th therapy appointment. The first one after returning from my yoga retreat. She recommended I catalog this for future states of darkness.

Ever since coming back from Mexico I feel so hopeful. I’ve been wanting to go dancing. My mantras aren’t making me cry anymore :) I went grocery shopping the other day and had positive interactions with multiple people.

Compared to this December when I had an awkward exchange with a cashier at Costco.. Then proceeded to go to my car and cry. I just feel so reborn. The most profound thing I realized on the yoga retreat was perhaps the source of all my walls. I was always taught by my mom that I cannot trust anyone. Can’t trust grandma, can’t trust my aunt, cant trust my cousin/my dad/my neighbor. And then my mother herself betrayed my trust.. It really made young me feel emotionally isolated and alone. It makes sense I turned to numb myself out. I had so much despair. I wasn’t allowed to trust anyone, not allowed to be friends with anyone. My mom wanted me to be her emotional caretaker first and foremost. Who was supposed to care for me? 

My mantras.. I am lovable, I am proud of myself, I am growing more confident every day.. they are working. I no longer cry when I think them.

I’ve been socializing and dating. I broke things off with the younger “situationship.” I went on a 2nd and 3rd date with one guy. I have been very straight with him that I cannot commit to anything and it is purely for fun. He has been very understanding. Does not seem to have a jealously streak. Just a truly kind person. Not my usual type physically, a bit straight and narrow. But that tongue DO IT. I’m excited to have sex with him again. 

Then yesterday I had a dinner date with a friend. She is very sweet and I’m excited to see our friendship grow. Following that, I met a girl for drinks on a date. My first lady date! She’s poly and in a similar situation as me it seems. I invited her to a queer only rave in May, so i guess we’re going together now haha. She’s very pretty but looks a bit straight for my type I guess? Or maybe its the lack of assertiveness I usually get with guys. I think I will always be into an assertive guy. I haven’t had a guy come spit game at me like the situationship did in a while. Some have tried but they weren’t even remotely attractive so I didn’t indulge. 

Anyways after the date we walked outside and kissed for a bit. It was different, much more gentle. I think I’m more of an aggressive lover/flirter.  

This is going to be interesting to navigate as I am also just learning how to be friends with girls. Maybe it isn’t wise to blur those lines right away. But it’s been a bit exciting viewing all interactions as a possible romantic connection. Maybe I’m just naturally flirty? 

Still have to finish my book this month. How to do the work. And start planning my portugal/euro trip!

damn I really wanna be raving too ughhhh.

[bojackhorsemanobviously]

And as if he was bipolar he said, "No that's fine I'm an asshole and if your mother asks about this tell her I'm sorry. I am so sorry.".. His voice cracked a brokenness to his voice, shoulders sagged as he thought about the look of shock/disgust from his ridiculous question . " I mean i didn't do anything i just asked .. something really stupid. .. " Bojack scratched the back of his neck debating about stating what it was , he sorta mumbled it. instead, "might have asked to cuddle with her ..and um worded it the wrong way." . ".. heck if you want to kick me in the shin / balls for thats fine.. I don't care at this point

... but I'm not doing this out of guilt or to make things right or excuse anything.. or to be the good guy.. I just want to do something nice for someone ...instead of just.. making em feel shit" He thought of eric, he kept letting him down and he hated it, he hated that he kept dragging him into his despair and now he had screwed things up with sheila. reminded him of charlotte though luckily kyle was 10 and not 17 not that he would or could cause kyle would never " and it is your birthday. its not everyday you turn ten years old that's a big milstone.. .. .. and I just felt like getting you something.. cause.. its just a nice thing to do.. renting is fine. its probably the better option for me anyway I keep forgetting im not getting syndicated paychecks. I probably should put what i have in a bank account.

and I'm not that old." Sure he was turning 60 next year but he didn't like to think about it.. 60 was the new 30.

"HEY! Horseman! Want to join us for bingo night?" Grandma marsh asked. " ............. sure.." He shrugged, not having other plans. "Great see you at the retirement home later what's your room number?." "Ughhhh... I live at a very fancy hotel for 50 year olds thank you very much." "You do? Lucky! Well stop by and be sure to bring a hummel." "Unhuh." Bojack frowned visibly confused as the very old man walked away. " What's a hummel?" Eyes Kyle

So I heard from the grapevine cartman it's your birthday and I thought screw it I'll get the pain in my ass something.. you mentioned how you enjoyed tik tok videos right? I don't get the point of them, but anyway this is for you.

Hands a few badly done wrapped boxes over. Inside one was a Tshirt called King of Tiktok.. another was a brand new camera.

@broflovskii

[confusedsiewmai]

I need to rant because UGHHHH!!!! I'm so genuinely mad at Arthur.

Like, yes, I get it. He's barely coping and the man has been through literal hell to survive up to this point and had to sustain himself mentally.

But by god, since the beginning, he's been seeing everything so black and white, it irritates me. "They're a cultist. They're a monster. They've lost their humanity. Yellow doesn't have humanity." VS "I've commited murder. I admitted to enjoying cannibalism. But my greatest strength is in my humanity, and John is better because he has his humanity."

I want to slap him so damn much. It's not so black and white! It's not entirely "us vs them" and neither is it "I am good and you are bad. I am human and you are not." (And I think one of the things that *really* triggered me was when Arthur said they deserved to die, which is... a phrase I don't like hearing. Even as a joke.)

He literally has John right by his side, pointing things out. Leading him towards the understanding that there is no clear cut human and monster. It actually hurts me to see John so self-aware and getting hurt by Arthur's statements. He understands that humanity and monstrosity are things that can be learned and unlearned, and the only difference between Yellow and himself is experience. And John in fact points out its the experience of peace and happiness that allowed him to reflect and understand the importance of choice.

And then Arthur, *again*, thinks it's John's special feelings towards Lilly the nurse. If that is not the most allo/het thing I've ever,,, repeatedly implying John has romantic interest in the nurse. God damn it, it's not about the nurse herself, it's that John felt taken care of and cared for for the first time without someone expecting anything back. And him realising Arthur was like the nurse in that he repeatedly extended his hand to someone who likely couldn't help him.

And yet. And yet. Arthur still doesn't seem to understand that humanity is monsteosity and vice versa. Arthur was human for growing mad and cannibalising while kept on the brink of despair and death. And so are the cultists human for turning to destruction and sacrifices at *their* brinks.

Yeah, I'm just very mad at people who see things black and white.

[syndianites]

A Queen Serve and Protects

Chapter Six

First Chapter –> Last Chapter –> Current –> Next Chapter TBA! Summary:

Post-Style Queen, Pre-Queen Wasp.

Chloe finds the Bee Miraculous, but instead of finding an obliging, subservient Kwami, she finds the Kwami of Order and Subjugation, and Pollen is not about to let herself be used like Nooroo was.

Granted, the only danger in a teenage girl is the damage she poses to herself. Can Pollen shape Chloe into a hero? Or will she stubbornly refuse to change and remain the bitter, harsh person the city has long since known?

[My take on how Chloe’s character could have developed] ——————————————————————————————

Pollen tapped the tablet pen on the table. School had ended and the duo was officially home.

“Chloe,” Pollen began. “It has come to my attention that you don’t do your own work.”

“So?” Chloe nonchalantly replied, crossing one leg over the other from where she sat on the chaise in front of Pollen.

Pollen tried not to roll her eyes. “So, I want you to learn how to be self-sufficient.”

Chloe scoffed. “I am plenty self-sufficient.”

“Really?” Pollen had a sweet smile on her face. “Then prove it.”

:readmore:

Before Chloe could make any remark, Polle flew over to her school bag. It looked more like a purse, honestly, with how much makeup and accessories she had stashed away inside. Seriously, what did you need an extra pair of heels for?

Pollen shook off the thought and grabbed the binder Chloe used for class, as well as her homework folder. Brining both items back to the table, she flipped the folder open. She pulled out the first sheet of homework she saw- something math related- and waved a paw at it.

Chloe gave her a dumbfounded look. “You want me to do that? Sabrina normally does.”

Pollen raised an eyebrow.

“Ugh, fine, I get it.” Chloe grumbled. “What does doing my own work have to do with being self-sufficient anyway?”

“When was the last time you did your own school work.”

“Ughhhh!”

Letting out a little giggle, Pollen decided to make a compromise, “For every question you get correct, I’ll let you ask a question about the Bee miraculous and its powers. However!” Pollen held a paw up before Chloe could get too excited, “For each you get wrong, you have to listen to some history and background on the miraculous.”

“Ooo-kay? How is that a loss for me? I still get to know what I want to know,” Chloe replied.

If only the poor girl knew.

Pollen beamed. “I’m glad you asked! You know how much you love our ‘Bee Nice’ Sessions?”

Chloe groaned.

“Anything I tell you will come along with lessons. I will tell you tales that are important for a number of reasons. And you have to sit through all of them!”

Chloe’s eye twitched. That sounded excruciating. Buuuut, she did want to know more about what powers the Bee miraculous could give her. It was just a simple math worksheet. Surely, it couldn’t be that hard. So Chloe took out a blank sheet of paper and began working.

She was wrong. So, so wrong. Chloe was by no means a bad student. She got solid B’s and pleased her daddy enough with her grades to get by. Did she need to have a study session with Sabrina before each test or quiz to get the contents down? Yes.

But that was all pish-posh. She figured if she could pick up enough for a test or quiz a day before it, she could do homework with no problem. Apparently, she hadn’t been giving Sabrina enough credit. That girl made it so much easier than this.

It didn’t help that her notes were a total disaster. Half-finished sentences, unclear instructions, and a clear lack of interest in each page. For a moment Chloe cursed her own apathy. She wanted to know more, damnit! 

By the time she finished she felt exhausted. Pollen, ever chipper, hummed as she looked through each question. She procured a pen and started making marks. That was a lot of red. Oh GOD, there was so much red.

Pollen tapped the pen to her chin in thought. Giving a nod, she wrote a score at the top of her sheet.

6/15. 

That was just under half! And that meant she would have failed had it been a test. Chloe resisted the urge to hit her head on the table. She could not afford to be forced into tutoring. Again.

Despite Chloe’s despair, Pollen was excited. This was better than she was expecting! Sure, she had been hoping for closer to a 75% or 80%, but Chloe at least had the idea down.

Plus this meant she could drill some more lessons into her charge.

Rubbing her paws together, she addressed Chloe. “Alright. Since it is almost an even split, let’s go back and forth with questions and history. I’ll start with a history lesson first, since you missed more than you got correct. But since I’m feeling nice, I’ll give you a choice here: Would you rather hear some history about my previous holders first, or about all the miraculous as a whole?”

“Your past wielders, of course! I need to know who would be so lucky to use the same miraculous as moi.” Chloe flipped her hair back to accentuate her point.

Pollen huffed. Nonetheless, she thought back to her past holders, humming all the while. Who would be the best to start with to help Chloe learn? 

She smiled as someone came to mind. “Now, before we start, I should say that we aren’t always deployed to battle some great evil. Sometimes, we are let out into the world to help inspire something. For me, I either inspire Order and Control. Or, when that gets to be too much, I inspire freedom from Order and Control.”

“Wait,” Chloe interrupted. “Why would you go against your whole Order thing?”

“I thought you wanted to talk about past wielders first,” Pollen brought a paw up to her lips to hide a smile. “To get into that would mean I would have to talk about all the miraculous.”

“Ugh, fine, whatever. Tell me the basics about all the miraculous first. But! You better tell me about your past users after!” Chloe conceded, pouting at the little god.

Pollen started again. “Like I said, we don’t always need a great evil to fight. At their core, each miraculous is meant to balance out their respective aspects. Tikki- Ladybug’s kwami- is the kwami of Light and Creation, for example. She is largely put out into the world to inspire new ideas and innovation.”

Chloe scrunched her nose in confusion. “Didn’t you say you also get put out to stop Order and Control? Why would you ever want to stop Light and Creation?”

“Well,” Pollen looked off to the side. “You can’t endlessly create. Tikki works on a more individual scale. She inspires Light and Creation in people as individuals. I, however, inspire Order and Subj- Control in a much larger scheme. After all, a bee’s focus is on the hive, isn’t it?”

“In any case, sometimes people burn themselves out when creating too much or spreading too much light. If you give and give and give, what is left for you? Nothing. And those left with nothing often crumble and fall apart- or worse. Tikki, when she is needed to, can either help her holder ease off themselves or help their holder teach others to let go of such demanding responsibility.”

Chloe nodded slowly. That… sort of made sense. “So it’s like when Adr- a friend of mine kept being happy and smiling even after his mother died to help others stop being sad. Because he wanted others to feel ‘lighter’” She made finger quotes, “Despite the tragedy that happened?”

“Yes, that could be a good example,” Pollen agreed. “If your friend gave away all his light and such to others, it could burn him out and leave him feeling empty and cold. Though, in this case I would lean more into the Peacock- he worked to give good emotion to others to cover their grief. But we’ll get there in a moment.”

“Plagg, Chat Noir’s kwami, is Tikki’s counterpart. He is the kwami of Dark and Destruction.” Pollen stopped as Chloe seemed to ponder that.

“If he is all about dark and destruction, wouldn’t that make him more likely to be evil?” Chloe mused.

Pollen, for her part, wasn’t bothered by the question. “If I am all about order and control, wouldn’t I be more likely to use and abuse people?”

Chloe bit her lip, but shook her head no.

“Exactly. Just because that is what we represent it does not mean we are prone to be good or evil. In the balance of all things, there IS no good and evil. Really, it just comes down to what a certain group likes or dislikes, or how a person’s morals are aligned.”

“Okay, no, Hawkmoth is totally evil. There is no doubt about that. How could taking control of others and using their emotions to turn them into monsters be seen as a good thing?” Chloe didn’t like the idea of Hawkmoth being in the ‘right’ at all. It went against everything he had done to Paris.

“Well,” Polled offered, “Does Hawkmoth see himself as evil?”

Chloe sat back in her seat. If movies were anything to go by, he probably didn’t. She sighed and motioned Pollen to continue

Pollen pushed on. “In any case, Plagg is often put into the world to ruin things. Surprising, isn’t it? But sometimes the best things are made in the ashes of destruction. Growing from losing things is important for many people. Like how your friend lost his mom- he likely felt sad and lost. But if he grew from that? He could learn to see that others will have his back and he can lean on them. Even in the hard times.”

Chloe looked away from Pollen. She was right, sort of. When Adrien’s mom died, Chloe had been there trying her best to cheer him up. Did it really work? No. But she helped him escape the house and run around the city with her, and watch stupid cartoons and shows, and sometimes, just sometimes, get him to smile.

“But losing your mom isn’t a good thing!” Chloe snapped back. “That devastated my friend and his family.”

“I know, and I’m sorry I painted it as such. Loss is a horrible thing to endure. But I wanted to make a connection to something you mentioned.” Pollen bowed her head. “Destruction is rarely a happy thing. But, a more positive example would be something more metaphorical- the destruction of insecurities, or breaking a bad relationship, or- or bashing down a wall so you can open up a room to have more space!”

Sighing, Pollen shook her head. “It is far too easy to see Dark and Destruction as a bad thing. Darkness can be used to hide when you don’t feel safe. Or it can be used to tone down how bright something is when you feel blinded. It can also be used as a complement and give things more depth.”

“Of course, Plagg has also been put out to tame destruction. Have you ever heard the phrase ‘fighting fire with fire’? It’s the idea that you fight destruction with destruction. But he can also help people see their bad habits, or the things that hurt them, and get them to reign them in and stop themselves before it’s too late.”

“Okay, sure, that makes sense. But didn’t you just describe Tikki and Plagg as opposites anyway? Light and Dark, Creation and Destruction? Why do they need to get people to go against their aspect when the other IS the opposite?” Chloe butt in.

Pollen brightened. “That’s technically later in this lesson, but I can touch on it now. You’ve likely noticed that Ladybug and Chat Noir came together as a pair, correct?” At Chloe’s nod, she continued. “That is because they are like Yin and Yang- opposites that complete each other. While other kwamis do have opposites, none quite work the same as Tikki and Plagg. They were once a single being- one that was the kwami of Balance.”

“Well,” Pollen rubbed her cheek, “They weren’t a kwami, per se. But that is too much to explain for right now. You recall how Hawkmoth’s goal is to get the Ladybug and Black Cat miraculous?”

“Of course, that’s all he ever talks about when he akumatizes someone!”

“Well, that’s because when you combine the two into one you can have any wish granted.”

“What!” Chloe slammed her hands down on the coffee table, startling Pollen. “That’s horrible! I mean, the power is cool, but if Hawkmoth got his grubby hands on that wish who knows what he would wish for!” 

“Exactly! But there’s a catch with that- whatever you wish for will have an equal and opposite consequence. If you wished for someone to come back to life? Someone else must die. If you want to have all the power in the world? Everyone else must become powerless. These may sound simple, but the gravity is just as dire as the wish would be grand.”

Chloe fell back. “So, if I- well, if I wished for my mom to love me..?”

“It depends,” Pollen shrugged. “Maybe everyone else around you would hate you. Maybe your father would stop loving you. Or, in a more subtle fashion, she wouldn’t love the real you, just a facsimile of you. Whoever she thinks you are. Sure, there are ways to make a wish that has a mostly positive outcome- for the one making the wish- but the consequence will always hurt someone. Even if it has to be a lot of someones.”

The two fell into silence after that declaration. It was a heavy thought. What could drive someone to want to change something so badly they would be willing to suffer or let others suffer for it? How cold hearted must you be? 

The whole thing baffled Chloe. She could just ring her father and have what she wanted with no consequence. Could she imagine doing something so drastic as to ruin someone’s life to make hers better?

Instead of voicing any of this, Chloe leaned forward. “So tell me about the other miraculous…”

[renwritesstuff]

Samantha Traynor Appreciation Day 1

Day 1- Colonist Upbringing:  I chose the Skyllian Blitz as a focus on Samantha Traynor’s colonist upbringing. With a 26-year-old Sam, the Blitz would have occurred when she was around 16. I imagine the Skyllian Blitz as a September 11-type of event, especially for other human colonies: something to watch unfold while hugging your family tight.

Shouting, Samantha Traynor burst through the front door. “Mum! Dad! Are you watching?!”

A 16-year-old Sam was clad in a burnt orange school uniform, a shield embroidered on the front left pocket. The black slacks were dusty around the ankle cuffs from her abrupt exit out her friend Nicole’s skycar at the end of the cul-de-sac. Her short—normally neat—bob of black hair was tousled from the impromptu run.

Running was highly out of the ordinary for Sam (and not just because she was an asthmatic). As was Sam home at noon on a school day (she wasn’t known to bunk off school. Ever.)

Sam’s schoolbag was already half-slung over her shoulder before she abandoned it by the coat rack. Black (dusty) shoes were kicked off next to the door as the girl tore down the hallway of the prefab.

“No running in the house!” Priya Suresh-Traynor barked back, more strain in her voice than usual.

Then again, it also wasn’t usual for Sam’s mother to be home this early in the day.

Nothing about today was usual.

Geoffrey Traynor called over from the wide living room at the end of the hall. “In here, sprog!”

Sam came skidding to a halt, already breathless from running up the stairs of the unit of prefabs. Wheezing in ragged breaths, she fumbled around in her pockets for her inhaler. A few deep puffs soothed the burn in her chest as she fell into the open spot on the sofa next to her dad.

On the screen covering the wall, a news program was already in progress. The Alliance News Network reporter on the screen was an older gentleman in a crisp black suit. His handsome face was lined with seriousness as he continued his broadcast.

[“—ports are still scattered at the moment, but the Human Systems Alliance has confirmed an attack was repelled from Elysium early this morning, around 05:21 GST. Again: the human colony in the Skyllian Verge, Elysium, has been under communications blackout for the past seven hours after a large-scale attack. Estimates of the dead are upwards of 10,000 and may be as high as a tenth of the colony, humanity’s oldest in the system.”]

“Oh shit fucking hell. It’s true.” Sam sighed as she tucked her knees up under her chin. She coughed slightly as the burning in her chest cleared.

I was hoping—hoping—the other kids had just gotten it wrong. Some fake news chaining its way around the colonies like some sick, shitty joke.

And knocking off school early? Was the entire school, or all of Horizon, in on it?

Just—uhhh—shut up. Let me have my denial.

An arm wrapped around her shoulder gently shook Sam as Geoffrey admonished, “Don’t swear. Especially like that. …Good lord, what are they teaching you in that high school?”

“All the essentials, clearly,” Sam quipped back, her eyes still trained on the screen.

A small crawl feed trailed in the corner of the screen. [“Targeted bombings reported at key locations around Illyria. Wall breaches in five sectors. Coordinated attack leaves colony in chaos and stock futures for Baria Frontiers and ExoGeni Corporation remain in freefall.”]

Thousands of people are dead, probably by pirates, and these arseholes are worried about their bloody stocks? Samantha scowled into her knees. God, I hate arseholes. I hope I never become one.

Gotta get rich first. Then become an arsehole.

Priya’s voice was faint in the other room, clearly on a call with the hospital. “—re we taking in any of the survivors? …then what about volunteers? …when we will know when it’s clear to offer assistance? …Look, Mark, I know we’re all overworked as it is… But this could have been us… I disagree, who are we to know if they’d ‘do the same for us?’ …This isn’t about what-if, this is about—“

A feeling of pride swelled in Samantha’s chest as she listened to the ferocity in her mum’s voice.

“I see the uni got dismissed before the high school,” Sam observed to her father out of the corner of her mouth, eyes still glued to the screen.

“I was still in office hours before the announcement went out. Didn’t even make it to my first class,” Geoffrey returned with a sip of his tea before placing it back on the side table.

“That’s such bollocks.” Sam scowled. “Everyone knew by first period and they didn’t dismiss finally til third. …what’s the time differential?”

A smile curled under Geoffrey’s beard. “Don’t be lazy. You know the time dilation formula. Three relay jumps. Galactic standard time adjustment. Horizon operates on a 37-hour day, Elysium on a 27-hour day. What is the time differential? Tell me my tax dollars haven’t been an utter waste.” The professor’s eyes sparkled in challenge.

Closing her eyes, a series of math formulas popped into Sam’s head. Her fingers drummed on her shin as she worked through the equation. “Ugh, this is such bollocks. Time is utterly absurd on a galactic scale… Because technically they’re like seven months in the future. But—carry the four—the attack occurred around like… lunchtime? Noonish?”

Geoffrey checked his Omni-tool. “Correct.” A hand stroked his chin in pride while his other arm squeezed Sam’s shoulders. “Batarians are already taking credit for it.”

An irrational stab of hatred flashed in Sam’s eyes, her nostrils flaring. “What do those nasty four-eyed buggers have against us?? Bloody slavers who wouldn’t—“

That arm rocked Sam’s shoulders again. “You forget we weren’t here first, Sam. And you forget your human history. Israel and Palestine ring any bells? Land promised to one civilization then given to another? Years of conflict as a result?”

Ughhhh…

This is what happens when your dad is a professor. Everything is a bloody learning experience.

…Can’t I just be upset?

“…can’t I just be upset, dad? This could have been us.”

“You’re right. It could have been. And this was symbolic and they knew it.” There was a hardness to her father’s words, an edge he was trying to keep dulled.

The reporter on the news chimed back in after a few stock videos of past Alliance skirmishes.

[“The Alliance has just confirmed one initial rumor: the communication blackout was broken by a team of heroic off-duty soldiers led by an N7 marine. This team stormed a bunker and managed to activate the emergency beacon system. The SSV Agincourt war frigate is already credited with an unconfirmed 42 ships brought down around Illyria of pirate bands attempting to hold the colony. That number is still climbing as other Alliance Navy ships have arrived.”]

“This is like a movie. I didn’t think this happened in real life,” Samantha remarked. Since she’d heard the news this morning, there had been this heaviness in her chest. A sense of smallness and disbelief.

It seemed so absurd. An entire colony going dark? All communications offline?

Communication is all we bloody have out here. Without it, we’re not the Human Systems Alliance. We’re just Another Backwoods Colony Trying to Make It On Our Own.

And lambs to the slaughter, apparently.

The rumor mill at school had been unstoppable for hours. A few upset parents had swooped in to pick up their kids before any formal announcement had been made. Sam had been hunkered down in the hallway with a pair of friends, Omni-tools out and combing through reports. A few clever custom filters had screened out some of the more ludicrous claims (“Third Contact War with turians nigh (Citadel Council does nothing)!” or “Geth returned from quarian space to conquer galaxy!” or, Sam’s personal favorite, “Civil War breaks out in Elysium over Illyria’s loss in the bioti-ball play-offs!”) all seemed to agree on one thing: a human colony had been attacked.

Nicole had chewed her lip, a number of relatives from (or stationed on) Illyria.

Victoria next to Nicole had tried to be reassuring. The brunette had put a hand on her girlfriend’s wrist. “It’s probably some training exercise gone awry.”

Nodding, Sam tried to feel optimistic. “Or they’re blowing it out of proportion. You know how those gits love their ratings.” She’d snapped her mouth shut at Victoria’s withering glare.

Only when Ms. Steinhold had released them from Applied Statistics had the news started to feel real to Samantha. But the epiphany wasn’t immediate. It was deadened by numb disbelief even as she hitched a ride home from Nicole and Victoria. Even as the car radio repeated the claims back. Even as Sam gasped for breath across the brown dirt of her street and saw other families home, their own wall screens tuned to the news in rapt attention.

Everyone on Horizon—maybe even every human on every colony—had gone home to hold their breath.

It was some analyst who came on later who coined it the “Skyllian Blitz.”

A blitzkrieg. “Lightning war.”

Geoffrey Traynor had nodded at the aptness of the phrasing. “Not a movie, sprog. History repeating itself.”

“I don’t see turians or asari dealing with this sort of ‘history,’” Sam retorted, indignant. It was all she could to keep the smallness at bay, the hopeless misery of feeling hated by the entire galaxy.

Are they really that much more advanced than the lowly humans? No one picks on them? No one tries to wipe out their colonies?

“Maybe it will bring the galactic community closer together,” Geoffrey suggested, his tone neutral.

It took all of Sam’s energy not to scoff. She was filled with childish indignation at this point, an impotent rage that mirrored the latest fire-and-brimstone retired Admiral calling for swift and immediate action against the batarian hegemony. Definitely a better feeling than despair, but without any outlet: what could Sam do?

Mum is organizing off-world volunteers to take care of the wounded. Dad will probably counsel his students and fellow faculty.

And I’m 16 and all I do is go to school and play chess. I can’t enlist for two years, and even then I’d be too bloody terrified to pick up a weapon. Does the galaxy really need someone like me on the front lines?

God, I hope not. Because humanity is fucked.

A fresh face interrupted the latest speculation, much to Sam’s relief. She felt herself getting wound up by all the aimless rage. Some calm heads and facts would be a welcome respite.

[“This is Artermis Kingston, reporting live from Arcturus Station. We have acquired ground footage from Elysium in this firsthand report from a survivor in Illyria. This footage made be disturbing to some viewers due to its violent subject matter. Discretion is advised.”]

A jerky Omni-tool video proceeded to play. It followed a heavily breathing camera operant, a young Black man with terrified eyes. His uniform bore the logo of the monorail corporation of Illyria.

The view swung dizzily back below him, his frantic breathing a constant background sound. A smoldering train could be seen down the line as the man crawled around the raised platform. Occasionally, his frantic breathing formed words of prayer under his breath.

Popping gunfire could be heard in the distance along with the crackle of fires. The noonday sun was oddly cheery in the background as dozens of smoke lines drifted lazily to the sky.

Just below the man, an explosion drew his attention and the camera jerked. The sound decayed to static from just sheer overwhelming noise. It died down though the crackling persisted. The camera ducked for cover for a moment before peeking back up to look.

The central ring of the inner wall of Illyria had just caved in as a swarm of pirates fired into the colony. A dozen Alliance soldiers crouched behind blockade walls below the camera and attempted to repel the invaders. One by one they were picked off.

It sickened Samantha to see their bodies fall limp. She leaned into her father’s side, occasionally burying her face into his sleeve when the camera lurched forward for a close-up of a soldier’s lifeless face.

Zooming back out, one lone soldier with a red stripe on the arm shouted for backup. But when they realized the man next to them was dead, the person clenched their fists in anguish. Pinned down by at least 15 pirates, the last soldier standing should have been dead.

Sam felt fear catch in her throat. This wasn’t a movie. This was really happening. She was watching people die.

Oh God, please be okay. Why would the ANN show this??

…I can’t watch.

Suddenly there was a flash of blue and the soldier wasn’t there anymore. The camera was just as confused as Sam was, the screen panning around trying to find the subject again. Another flash of blue as the camera found and zoomed in on the fray of pirates being torn to shreds by a flashing Omni-blade and surging biotics.

What should have been a massacre was quickly turned against the advancing pirates. They were torn to pieces by a lone combatant who was faster, fiercer and better trained than them. Every moment of hesitation from a pirate or a missed shot was an open opportunity for the soldier to strike and move on.

Sam squinted at the footage.

Is that… red hair? Is that… a woman?

A total badass woman, that’s for bloody sure.

The camera/man sighed with relief as the soldier rummaged through the bodies and found whatever they were looking forward. A moment later, charges were set and a large billboard jutting up next to the hole collapsed into the space, blocking at further incursion.

The video paused as the soldier stood overlooking the rubble, a shotgun primed over one shoulder. Just like at the end of a movie.

Except real life. This woman, this soldier: she was real.

[“The Alliance confirmed the hero in this footage was off-duty N7 marine Lieutenant Annelise Shepard, 22. The Alliance has also confirmed the team that activated the emergency beacon system was also led by Lieutenant Shepard.”]

22… 22??

I’ll be 22 if—when I graduate university… and she—she fought off an army of pirates??

Bloody hell.

How—what could I ever do that would even come close to that? Win the Kepesh-Yakshi Grand Tourney on Illium?

Ms. Kingston winked at the camera before quickly regaining her serious composure. [“The ANN will have an exclusive interview with Lieutenant Shepard—and the other heroes of the Skyllian Blitz—as this story unfolds.”]

The male newscaster returned to the screen with a sober smile. [“Thank you, Artemis. The Citadel Council has condemned this horrific attack on human soil and has dispatched goodwill ambassadors—along with aid ships—to the Skyllian Verge to assist in the recovery effort. The Human Systems Alliance has opened up comm lines for charity and volunteer organizations as well. There is a—“]

Geoffrey patted his daughter’s head, ruffling her hair affectionately, before joining his wife in the kitchen. The Traynor parents quietly discussed the Elysium attack.

Sam feigned interest in the news while also attempting to eavesdrop. Her father was muted with worry, fearing for Horizon in the wake of the attack. Priya was more fiery in her resentment. They’d been through hell to move out to this colony and no one was going to take their home from them.

Something nagged at Samantha that started her down a rabbit hole of extranet articles. It kindled something within Sam that was different from outrage or despair.

It was curiosity.

How could a coordinated attack bring down an entire colony’s communications network?

What sort of comms don’t need a buoy network to function? A buoy network that can be assaulted and brought down so easily?

Sam came across a stub of an article in the research section of the Alliance R&D tab.

“Quantum Entanglement Communication: Practical Applications.”

And started to read.

[writing-corner-of-ashley]

Whisper of the Heart (1995) Film Review

Spoiler review! Read at your own risk. 

Whisper of the Heart is a 1995 animated film directed by Yoshifumi Kondo, who was supposed to be the successor for Studio Ghibli. However, he died in 1998 before he could direct more films, so Whisper of the Heart can be considered special on its own.

I’m going to sound really biased discussing this film, because it’s a personal favorite of mine. Whisper of the Heart is a romantic and coming-of-age film, centering on two main characters: Shizuku Tsukishima and Seiji Amasawa.

Shizuku, the main protagonist as the film revolves around her point of view. (Photo retrieved from Reddit, ctto)

Seiji, the secondary protagonist (or deuteragonist to sound posh) and Shizuku’s love interest. (Retrieved from Glow blogspot, ctto)

It can also be considered a slice of life film since the circumstances were grounded on reality although it also contains fantastical elements which stems from Shizuku’s imagination.

So I’m going to start with my positive observations because those are my prominent thoughts on this film. I will start first with the characters themselves because they’re the ones important to the film and in making the story alive. 

Positive Observations:

Shizuku and Seiji are relatable characters, they are like you and me. I believe a film’s strength relies on its characters. If the story itself is good, it will not be worth something if the characters themselves are bland and empty. However, in this film, I felt pleased knowing Shizuku and Seiji. Most importantly, I felt myself connecting and resonating with them - especially Shizuku.  

Shizuku sitting inside the train on a normal day. (Gif not mine, ctto)

Both Shizuku and Seiji were in the adolescent period where personal growth is very crucial and changes are happening in transitioning to an adult. It was at this point they were both trying to figure out who they’re supposed to be; finding their place in the world; and what future they were envisioning for themselves. 

We can relate to that kind of reflection in ourselves because we all underwent the same way: questioning and discovering who we really are and what we want. It also includes the journey towards achieving the goals we have set in our lives in order for us to feel happy and fulfilled with ourselves.

Seiji escorting Shizuku home. (Gif not mine, ctto)

Frankly, I’m also still in the adolescent age although I’m older than Shizuku and Seiji in this film (seeing as they’re both 14) and I am still trying to figure out what I want in my life. 

It was easy to resonate with them because they’re also experiencing realistic life experiences - going through change that at first makes us in despair (as evident when Shizuku feels down when she feels like she’s changing; Seiji breaking down in tears when he attempted to make his first violin) and the indecisiveness we’re experiencing for our futures.

Shizuku feeling down as she felt herself changing. (Gif not mine, ctto)

None of what they’re going through is fictional so it is very easy to feel what it’s like in their shoes - which would include the air of awkwardness between the two of them that is reminiscent of adolescent romance. 

Schoolmates trying to eavesdrop in Shizuku and Seiji’s conversation, which made it more awkward. (I personally found this scene funny) (Gif not mine, ctto)

Shizuku and Seiji are very likeable characters. So aside from the equation of making the characters relatable and realistic, there is also another equation of making them likeable. Likeability plays an important factor in making the character that can resonate with the audience. If the character fails to be likeable (ehem, Rikako) then the audience would be reluctant to make a connection with them despite having real life experiences anyone can relate to. However in the case of Shizuku and Seiji, they were both really engaging characters.

Shizuku and Seiji talking comfortably with one another. (Gif not mine, ctto)

They were both interesting and I actually want more of them, which is why they’re perfect for one another (the shipper comes out I’m sorry). 

What made it even more amazing is that Shizuku and Seiji can be recognized separately from one another. They’re not the type wherein you can mention one character and yet their only notable trait is their relationship with another character; not having any distinction of their own. 

What’s great about Shizuku and Seiji is that they have their own unique characteristics and situations: Shizuku being the more expressive aspiring writer with a supportive family and Seiji being the more silent aspiring luthier yet with a reluctant family.

Shizuku writing. (Gif not mine, ctto)

Seiji crafting a violin. (Gif not mine, ctto)

They have their own strengths and weaknesses as a character, as well as positive and negative traits (albeit minimal) just like any human being. What also made it great is that any negative traits of theirs do not overpower their positive traits therefore making the audience feel warm, sympathetic, and drawn towards them because one has to consider that they’re both protagonists and not antagonists.

Seiji being caring towards Shizuku. (Sigh. Very cute!!) (Gif not mine, ctto)

Although there are films with complex protagonists like positive and negative traits altogether become mixed; the film has to explore the circumstances and situations they are in to make the audience understand and connect with them in ways to make them likeable and intriguing. In the case of Shizuku and Seiji, they were both very likeable and interesting, which is already a terrific start in progressing the story. 

Shizuku and Seiji’s chemistry is perfect. It was also in both Shizuku and Seiji’s distinctions that ultimately made them a great pair. Shizuku is the more expressive one: she knows how to deal with words and she almost always impulsively says what she feels or wants, as noted by her best friend, Yuko, who said (non-verbatim), “You always know how to express yourself, unlike me.”

Shizuku feeling very annoyed after meeting Seiji. (Gif not mine, ctto)

She is also considered to be scatterbrained or someone who usually keeps their head in the clouds and invested in their own world - as she has a sense of vivid imagination.

Shizuku so caught up in her own imagination she almost got ran over. (Gif not mine, ctto)

She is also the type who has the tendency to panic and worry so much, instead of maintaining a composure. She is also prone to insecurity, denoting a lack of confidence in her abilities - which also contributed to her immense self-pressure. 

Shizuku stressing herself out over finishing her story. (Gif not mine, ctto)

She also has the tendency to isolate herself when she’s pressuring and struggling with herself such as when she tries to finish her book. She also bottles up her feelings and keeps them to herself: not really sharing her qualms with her family. Aside from that, despite her love for Seiji, she still tends to compare herself with him; even to the point that she felt she wasn’t good enough for him.

Shizuku opening up to Yuko about not feeling good enough for Seiji (Oh boy can I relate). (Gif not mine, ctto) 

Seiji, on the other hand, is the more silent one: he knows what he’s doing because he invests more in actions than words. This was evident when he started checking out books before Shizuku so that she’ll be able to notice him, rather than just confessing to her in a straightforward manner.

Seiji admitting to have been checking out books before Shizuku to get her attention (ughhhh this is so cute huhu). (Photo retrieved from Pinterest, ctto)

Unlike Shizuku, he’s calm and collected as well as blunt, especially whenever he would be weirded out with Shizuku’s seemingly outlandish comments.

Seiji being weirded out by Shizuku’s comment of his violin as she said it’s like magic. (Photo retrieved from Fio Picolo’s Tumblr, credits to at.kawaiianime)

He is also more confident in pursuing his dream of becoming a luthier, even risking having a strained relationship with his family. He even risked going out of his comfort zone to go to Cremona, Italy to truly hone his skills and not pursue the conventional path of going to high school and college.

Seiji playing the violin (Tbh, he’s very handsome in this scene ugh) (Gif not mine, ctto)

He is also more experienced than Shizuku as he had already started the pursuit of his dream while Shizuku is still starting her journey - which would explain his rather nonchalant approach. 

The one thing Shizuku and Seiji have in common is that they were both extremely passionate about what they wanted in their lives. It was passion that binds them together and served as the foundation of their relationship, indicating that they both have the same mindset.

Seiji and Shizuku performing “Country Roads” with translated Japanese lyrics. (It’s an amazing cover btw!) (Gif not mine, ctto)

It was also their distinctions that made them the puzzle piece for one another, as Seiji balances out Shizuku and they can learn things from each other. 

Even though they started on the wrong footing as Shizuku first found him rude as he teased her by mocking her written graduation lyrics of Country Roads, their relationship eventually developed overtime as they got to know each other.

 Seiji’s first words to Shizuku. (Gif not mine, ctto)

I also think the scene when Shizuku discovered that Seiji is the same boy who checked out all of the books she has been borrowing was pivotal, because Shizuku has been fantasizing or rather have her own image of who Seiji Amasawa might be and it all came crashing down that it was the same rude boy she has met. 

It is an indication that having a certain image of someone might not be accurate to how they really are in real life, and this revelation seemed to give Shizuku a dose of reality. It denotes that while having a wild imagination and being a fan of fiction is great, it does not really bode well if we apply these things in real life.

Shizuku and Seiji arguing when Shizuku found out he’s the Seiji Amasawa. (Photo retrieved from The Asian Cinema Critic, ctto)

In other words, Seiji served as the reality that Shizuku needs in order to grow more as a person. She realized that she needs to figure out what she wanted to do in her life; that there’s a life beyond her books; and she needs to know herself more. This was affirmed by Shizuku in the end, “You’re the one who inspired me, Seiji.”

The scene where Shizuku uttered that sweet phrase. (Gif not mine, ctto)

Another symbolism of their relationship is when Seiji is cycling upwards on a steep hill and he insists on carrying Shizuku, which she disagreed with. She then helped him push the bike upwards and said the phrase, “If I’m going with you, I’m going to help you.” 

This represents how important reciprocity is in a relationship in order to make it progress - as evident that they both managed to push the bike to the top despite getting tired.

Shizuku helping Seiji go upwards on the steep hill, affirming that she doesn’t want to be a burden for him. (Ah, yes, beautiful). (Gif not mine, ctto)

Alongside this, since they also shared the same mindset of being passionate in what they want, they are also willing to commit to each other - therefore making their relationship strong. The film did a wonderful job in creating a romance that’s healthy and a great example for everyone. 

Seiji hugging Shizuku and loudly proclaiming he loves her. (A very sweet and heartwarming moment ugh) (Gif not mine, ctto)

The film teaches us that pursuing your passion, albeit unconventional, is what really matters. In life, people would usually think that studying hard is the key to have a great future. People would not think twice of finishing college education, like it was as if it was already mandatory to finish college to have more job opportunities and to determine what career we would like in life. It makes us think that being able to finish college or even pursuing a graduate education equates to success and fulfillment.

Shizuku writing down notes from books, although she’s not really studying for her lessons. (Gif not mine, ctto)

However, this film showed us that’s not always the case. There are some dreams and jobs that do not require the traditional high school or college education like the case of Seiji, who wants to become a luthier. 

Just because someone wants to pursue a career that does not require the conventional pathway to success doesn’t mean they will become a failure in life; in which unfortunately Seiji’s family and Shizuku’s older sister, Shiho, doesn’t think that way. 

Shiho snatching Shizuku’s headphones as she writes, an act of disturbance. (Gif not mine, ctto)

They thought that straying away from what is considered “normal” or “practical” is a bad idea as they seemed to hold financial stability on a higher level than passion. 

However the film was trying to tell us that passion is what’s more important even when you have to take the risk going on your own path and doing things differently. It tells us that it’s passion that will engulf our hearts in merry flames and will ultimately make us feel happy, regardless if it’s not conventional.

The film showed that pursuing one’s passion is no easy journey. It truly portrayed how one’s journey towards achieving their dreams will be hard especially when one is just starting. 

This was symbolized in the imagery of a rock with gems within it as shown by Seiji’s grandfather, Shiro Nishi. Nishi explained that the rock is just like an artisan: still rough, raw, and natural. For a beginner, no one should expect perfection, but they can work in finding the gems within themselves. Once an artisan finds their fullest potential, then they will make an effort in polishing and refining it.

Nishi explaining the rock’s symbolism to Shizuku. (Gif not mine, credits to AnimePlus.TV)

It’s a simple yet wonderful imagery that tells us the road towards our dreams is still a long way and it’s up to us to continue further down the rocky road - eager to fully furnish our own shiny gem. However we must also be ready to face the hardships that we’ll be dealing with - such as the feelings of crippling despair, self-doubt, anxiety, and pressure that could tempt us in giving up.

Shizuku being very tired from all the writing she has been doing. (Gif not mine, ctto)

It’s normal to feel like we’re not good enough; comparing ourselves to others; and worrying if we will ever perfect the precious gem we have found within ourselves. 

However, we must always remember that we wouldn’t know until we try. We have our own paths to walk on and comparing our progress to others constantly is not fair for us. 

Other people, even when it’s our significant other, a friend, or a family member, is also in their own unique journey through life. Not all of us are the same because we are different and diverse from one another but we can still find ways to connect with others.

Seiji holding Shizuku’s hand. (A really tender moment and they stayed like that for awhile ughhh) (Gif not mine, ctto)

This connection will serve as our support system as we continue our pursuit in achieving what makes us happy in life and they will be there to remind us to never give up; that there will be light at the end of the long tunnel. It will all be worth it at the end. 

The sunset at the ending scene (beautiful visuals!) (Gif not mine, ctto)

Well that was long. It was because I really loved this film hence I have a lot of positive things to say about it. Honestly, when I re-watched the film to determine what negative observations I had: frankly there’s a little to none. I tried thinking of a negative observation but they were too far of reach. However, I do notice some aspects that can contribute as to why people wouldn’t really like it or consider it as impactful.

Negative Observations:

The film could be considered too idealistic for some. There are some people whose dreams in life include going down the conventional path in which they could aspire to be a teacher, doctor, engineer, or other jobs that are considered “respectable” or “financially promising”. 

They would also most likely agree with the perspective of Shiho, who thinks that being practical in finding a job that will satisfy you financially is what’s most important. They would also think that this film is too “feel-good” or rather very idealistic.

Shizuku’s apartment on a rainy day; representation of a dim reality. (Gif not mine, ctto) 

They would not resonate well with Shizuku and Seiji because of the couple’s idealistic mindset that could be considered “naive” for them. Although I myself shared Shiho’s sentiment on some level and this is what I have been wrestling with in the past years: financial stability or passion? 

Anyway, some people think that having financial stability will ultimately make them feel happy on itself hence that’s their dream. In that mindset, it is understandable that they would not appreciate the film in its entirety as well as the characters, so it fails to foster a connection with them. They would rather see a film with Shiho as the protagonist instead. 

Shiho shouting orders at Shizuku while she’s about to take a shower. (Gif not mine, ctto)

The film’s romance could also be considered as “corny” to some. I personally love the Shizuku and Seiji romance as well as the ending when Seiji proposed future marriage. 

But I have also seen some reviews that thought it’s too sudden and they found it corny to watch - which is why Hayao Miyazaki defended it on an interview where he explained that he wanted Shizuku and Seiji to commit to something because a lot of young people these days are too scared for commitment and would rather be in a moratorium stage for ages and I TOTALLY agree.

Seiji shyly proposing to Shizuku in the ending scene. (UGH THIS IS MY FAVE SCENE OF THEM I SCREAMED) (Gif not mine, ctto) 

Hook-up culture is very prominent because a lot of people in the adolescent stage were too apprehensive to commit to a relationship, so I personally found the Shizuku and Seiji romance to be a breath of fresh air. It is very wholesome, pure, and healthy. 

However, there are some people who find it cringey to watch such romance - maybe because they weren’t into it and it’s too sappy for their taste. I don’t judge because we all have different tastes.

It could also be possible that they like the story but the couple’s romance ruins it for them, in which another Ghibli film, Kiki’s Delivery Service may be better for them.

It also has the same premise as Whisper of the Heart, but it’s more fantastical and focuses mainly on the dreams of Kiki. It has no romantic subplot in the sidelines, so it’s definitely a recommendable film to anyone who is not into romance. 

Those were really the only negative observations I have seen from the film, because I find it to be a simple yet heartwarming masterpiece. I really admired Kondo’s work in this, because he really captured what an adolescent is going through in pursuit of a dream that seemed so far away.

Shizuku running in trying to find her gem in her dream. (Gif not mine, ctto) 

I really resonated well with Shizuku as I’m also an aspiring writer on my own with a huge amount of self-doubt and anxiety to the point that I’m also bordering on becoming Shiho. 

However, this film struck gold within me and I got inspired to pursue writing. I want to refine the gem I found within myself; which is why I’m writing this review now.

Shizuku basking in the view of West Tokyo. (Gif not mine, ctto) 

Thank you, Mr. Yoshifumi Kondo for creating such a wonderful film that I can go back to. Rest in peace. I rate this 5 out of 5 movie tickets. Bravo.

[ladyevenstar22]

I need a virtuel hug Its a DISASTER!!

What’s the worst thing that could happen to a jonerys fan on #boatsex weekend ? Well I offer you my tale of despair My frigging INTERNET is down down down 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢 it had been thundering/ rain all morning no pb internet fine then at some point while I was watching a GoT video of the cast singing with Coldplay boom video freezes I restart I plug out the box nada .

Slightly panicky I call my provider whom I get through to like 30mn later coz like they swamp he tries to fix it from his end no can do then tells me technician won’t pass before MONDAY AFTERNOON!!!!!!

I kept my cool on the phone but my body was having a fit so he continues we’ll of course provide you with nomad key that will give me access to internet on all my devices

So I haul ass to the closest mall where they have a store only to be informed they’re out they don’t have any available and she’s checked in my area only one store has in some other town to try my luck there maybe they might still have one . I tell you I feel like crying so bad !! It’s like New York has none and they tell you try New Jersey…fuck my lifeeeeee whyyyy meee whyyyyyy of all frigging weekend this one THIS ONE ughhhh!!!

But I’m determined I will wake up bright and early to find one tomorrow if not in my area then I’ll go into paris centre aka district 1 ( it’s like Manhattan nobody lives there everyone is in the Burroughs ) Wish me luck and good speed

Update : I got the hotspot box crisis averted , vendor giggled when I told him I was ready to flail 5 random people to get my hands on one kkkk

[sarahjane0886]

Fix A Heart 19

Chapter 19 - How I Feel

Confetti fallin' from the sky My hometown on the fourth of July A midnight snow on Christmas Eve Like standin' up for what you believe That's how I feel when I'm with you That's how I feel when I'm with you That's how I feel That's how I feel when I'm with you

"So how are you?" Peta asked Sharna as they watched Shai play in the sprinkler in the backyard. He was chasing the family's new puppy, Balto, giggling and shrieking. It had finally gotten warm enough that they were able to enjoy the outdoors again after all the winter weather.

"Burnt out. I mean I feel better but I just feel drained all the time. And I feel guilty because I feel like it's yanking Val down. I know he'd never admit that to me but these last 4 months, P, they've been rough."

"They have been. But that's understandable. Are you finally at a stopping point with the therapy?" Peta asked. While Sharna had been going through everything, Peta had made sure that she didn't push anything but kept Sharna near. She wanted her to know that she had a support system whenever she wanted or needed. They kept a standing weekly date with just the two of them and then a second one with Shai as well. It was just all part of the normalcy that Sharna needed in her life.

"Yeah, well, we aren't stopping but we've gotten to the point where I have to apply everything so we're going to cut back to every 2 weeks for the next 2 months and then go to once a month. And if something ever happens and I need more time, she's always there."

"That's a good plan. Is that what you're ready for?" Peta asked as she saw Shai coming for them.

"I think so. I feel like she's gotten a lot of me that I didn't even realize was an issue. I mean I knew that I was upset about Rose but all the other deep rooted stuff that was involved, I had no idea but it all makes sense. And I would have never realized it without her. And like my instinct to always let Val fix my panic attacks and everything."

"Well but I think that was normal. Your instinct is going to be to try and fix it so you knew he was a source that would fix it."

"Right but then like Dr. Kate said, I never believed that I could do it myself. I don't think that one was a bad thing but it was just instinct, like you said. Fix it first, deal with it later."

"Incoming." Peta said as she chucked a towel at Sharna just before Shai landed in her lap.

"Ohhhh, I have a wet squirmy bug in my lap." Sharna teased.

"Momma, I hungwee." Shai said as he tucked into Sharna giggling as her hands dried him off.

"Oh yeah, well if you're a bug, I guess you should go find some grass to eat." Peta teased.

"Ewwwww! Nooooo! Can I have grapes and cheese?"

"Oh you are your mother's son. Little cheese monster." Sharna said laughing.

"That's my buby. Yes you can have grapes and cheese, then its nap time okay buddy?" Peta said as she looked at her watch.

"Aunt Sharna will you read to me?" Shai asked. He always got a book before bed and naps.

"I can do that munchkin. Come on." Sharna said standing up. Shai looped his arms around Sharna's neck letting her know that he preferred to stick with her. Balto followed them to the door however he was dripping wet.

"Balto, you gotta dry off outside. Sorry dude." Peta said as the puppy gave her a look of despair before sinking down onto the pavement.

45 minutes later, Shai was out cold with Balto keeping watch beside his bed. Peta and Sharna had cleaned up the yard and now they were relaxing on the couch. Peta had just put on some documentary that she and Sharna were wanting to watch, when Sharna's phone buzzed. On the day that Peta, Sharna, & Shai had their time together, Maks & Val always made sure to leave the girls be. They either went and did stuff together or worked on stuff with the studios, whatever they could come up with. The girls had girl time while the guys had guy time.

'I'm picking you up in an hour, princess. And then I'm stealing you away. Peta already has a bag packed for you.'

'Excuse me?' Sharna texted back perplexed.

'Do you trust me?' He responded almost immediately.

'You know I do.'

"Then I'll see you in an hour. I love you, enjoy time with P.'

"Peta Jane Chmerkovskiy."

"Yessss?" Her best friend looked at her from her spot on the couch.

"Do you have some explaining to do?"

"Nope, I don't. That would be your husband. I'm just an innocent bystander."

"From what I hear, you have the getaway bag."

"I do. But he packed it, he brought it, he did it all. All I know is that he was picking you up at 3:00 and I was keeping the bag. I know nothing."

"Ughhhh. Peta Jane."

"Sorry babe. Relax, you've got a bit yet right? You may actually get Shai wake up cuddles if you're lucky."

"He sleeping less?"

"Yeah, some days. He may stay out longer since we wore him out in the yard but he's usually up in about an hour, hour and a half."

"Gotcha." Sharna said falling silent. Peta could see her wheels turning and knew that she was processing everything.

"He just wants to surprise you babe."

"I know. It still catches me off guard sometimes. One of those things ya know?" Sharna said.

"I know. But just as long as you're good with it."

"I am. Oh I am." Sharna said with a small grin. They returned to watching the movie before they heard a tiny voice yelling from upstairs.

"Mommaaaaa! I up!"

"Go ahead babe, if you want that is." Peta said nodding at her friend. Sharna nodded and hopped off the couch.

"Hey munchkin. Did you have good sleeps?" Sharna said appearing in the room.

"Mmhmm. Aunt Sharna hold Shai?" He said holding his arms up.

"Always baby doll. Come here. Let's go cuddle with momma." Sharna said as she scooped him up off the twin bed and snuggled him into her arms. She gathered his Ellie and blanket and took him back downstairs. After morning wake ups and naptimes were Sharna's favorites with her nephew. He was a snuggler and during those times was content to just cuddle into his requested person. She settled on the couch next to Peta and Shai situated himself against her holding his elephant. She and Peta returned to watching their documentary which was almost over.

"Val should be coming soon babe." Peta said softly when the documentary ended.

"He should. I don't have to do anything do I? Just grab the bag?"

"Yeah, it's all ready. I just....we need too." Peta said motioning towards Shai.

"Right." Sharna nodded.

"Hey buby, do you want to go get a snack?" Peta asked the toddler.

"I stay with Aunt Sharna?" Shai asked as he looked at his mother.

"You can stay with me buddy, but Uncle Val is coming soon to get me. He's going to take me on an adventure." Sharna said hoping that warning the toddler would work to their advantage. It did not as his face crumpled immediately.

"You go ways?" He asked as his lip trembled. Ever since the honeymoon and then with everything else going on, Shai had been extra attached to Sharna. That mixed with the fact that he was not fully awake did not make for a good combination.

"I'll be back, it's just like when I go to mine and Uncle Val's house at the end of the day."

"I go with you?"

"I think Momma would miss you buddy." Sharna said as she rubbed his back.

"I would, and papa, and Balto."

"What if I promise to bring you back a present?" Sharna asked. She had no idea where Val was taking her or what they were doing but either way, she could find something little for Shai. His response was to just bury into her neck as his hand wound in her hair. He twirled her curls as he snuggled up to her.

"He'll be okay. Let's go look for a snack. That may at least help with the distraction." Peta said and the three headed to the kitchen. The snack helped minimally and then Sharna distracted him with asking what he wanted her to bring back. He ended up choosing a train which wasn't a hard thing to find.

"Who's ready for their surprise?" Val said appearing in the kitchen. Shai whined and buried into Sharna making Val look at the two.

"He's not pleased you're taking me away. However I told him we'd bring him back a present specifically a train. Right buddy?" Sharna said as she stood so she could prep to go with her husband. Shai's head nodded against his aunt but didn't make any motions to be more active.

"Alright buby, come with momma so Aunt Sharna and Uncle Val can go." Peta said appearing with Sharna's suitcase.

"Alright munchkin, I love you. I'll see you when I come back okay?"

"Love you." He murmured squeezing her tight before letting Peta take him. Val ruffled his nephew's hair before pressing a kiss to his head as well.

"Have fun you two." Peta said hugging them both.

"Come on princess, adventure time." Val said scooping up her suitcase and reaching for her hand. He led her out of the house and opened her door for her letting her get situated before shutting it for her. He placed the suitcase in the trunk before getting in the driver's seat.

"Do I get to know yet" Sharna said as she watched her husband.

"Nope, what I can tell you is, that it's about a 3 hour drive. I put snacks in the back. We're going to stop on the way for dinner. We'll be there for 4 days. And it's just us."

"Can I guess?"

"Even if you do I won't tell you." He said reaching for her hand and kissing it.

"Vallllllllll."

"Just relax princess. That is the purpose of this. We need us time. Just you and me and nothing else."

"We do, that's for sure. Do I get to control the music?" She said with a grin.

"Sure." He said handing her the cord for their phones. She smiled and put on some old school Backstreet Boys making Val groan in despair. He was not a fan of boy bands. Sharna kicked her shoes off and curled up into the seat as she reclined back a little.

"I love you." She said as she watched him as he focused on the road.

"I love you too princess. You're going to fall asleep on me." Val teased as he saw the look on her face.

"Mmhmm, that just means I'll be able to stay up later with you." She said as her hand crept over to rest on his arm. He grinned, she still slept best with some part of her touching him. He looked over a few minutes later and seen she was out. He chuckled and just kept on driving.

"I smell ocean." Sharna murmured two hours later.

"Good nose, you ready for dinner sleepy girl?"

"Yes please." She said with a grin as her fingers found his as she shook the sleep off.

"Local or chain?"

"Umm, we're by the ocean? Local." She said as she sat back up. Val reached over and used the GPS in the car to find what was near them. They picked a local place called the City Kitchen which overlooked the water. They enjoyed their dinner before they got back on the road. Sharna began a game of twenty questions as she attempted to trick Val into telling her where they were going. He refused to budge however and just let her trying.

"Can you wait for me? I just need to run in and get what we need." Val stated as they pulled up in front of a small home.

"I guess, but this is sketchy mister. You're not like leaving me to be eaten by sharks are you?" Sharna asked with a teasing look.

"Yup, shark bait hoo ha ha." Val said leaning over to kiss her as she laughed. Had someone told her years ago that this man would be her husband and quoting Finding Nemo to her, she'd have told them they done lost their mind? However this was her life.

"Okay, 10 minutes." Val said as he slipped back into the car.

"Tell me, tell me, tell me." She said as she bounced in her seat.

"Patience grasshopper. It's worth it. Well I think it is at least. I hope it is. You may hate it but well no, you won't." Val rambled suddenly nervous about her surprise.

"Babe! Shush, whatever it is, I'll love it." Sharna said laughing.

"I hope." He said shyly. They crossed over a small bridge and were taken to a small home, next to a lighthouse.

"Valentin Chmerkovskiy?" Sharna said as she took in the tiny cottage next to the lighthouse. She then turned and looked at him incredulously.

"This would be our home for the next four days." He said with a grin. Her smile couldn't get much brighter however her eyes immediately filled with tears. He was out of the car and at her side in a second. He opened her door and pulled her into him holding her tightly.

"I'm sorry. Oh my goodness. I'm sorry." She said as she pulled herself together.

"Its okay, it's okay." He said moving back as she tried to stand up.

"I just. We need this. You're right." She said once she was standing. He looped his arms back around her and let her curl into his chest.

"We do. I love you." He said as his lips pressed to her head.

"Are they both ours?" She asked as she watched out to the water.

"Umm, well yes, sort of. There is no one else with us however the lighthouse keeper will come check the lighthouse every evening. He said he comes around 7 and it takes him about a half hour each night."

"I can't believe this is ours. Thank you babe. Thank you." She said as she gripped his body.

"You're welcome princess, you deserve this. Now, we have a few decisions to make but first let's take our stuff in."

"Can we explore?" Sharna asked as she let go of his body and went to help him with bags.

"We can for sure. We have to decide what we want to do for food all week. Since we're basically taking over the cottage, we just provide our own food. Like a beach house. We can either cook or we can go out. There's a handful of local places that were recommended. Since it's a small town most of the places are mom and pop places." Val explained as they headed into the house.

"Ohhhh, can we do both? Val! This place is adorable. I love it!" Sharna said as she walked away from Val moving to look throughout the tiny cottage. There was a small kitchenette with enough space to cook for two as well as a bar to eat at. The living room was small but cozy with a medium sized sofa that looked to be the most comfortable couch ever. There was also a recliner and a coffee table. The room was decorated with a cozy feel incorporating blankets, pillows and warm tones. Off the living room was a screened in porch with a swing and two rockers. Off the porch it led out to the ocean which was basically about 20 feet away. There was a small staircase which led upstairs to a bedroom which house a canopy bed and a balcony looking over into the ocean. The bathroom was the most up to date with a huge rain water shower and a gorgeous tile sink. The rest of house was not as up to date but was gorgeously well kept and had an old ocean charm about the place. The two spent the next hour exploring their home away from home and unpacking.

"Want to go get ice cream?" Val asked knowingly.

"Uh duh!" Sharna said as she was already out the door. Val grabbed the car keys and followed her. They drove to the local ice cream shop and ordered their cones. Sharna picked mint chip while Val got cookies and cream.

"So you said you want to do both, go out and stay in for food?" Val asked her. They had found a park bench to sit on and he had his arm around her shoulders while she leaned against his side.

"Yeah, I actually think we passed a bike rental shop. Do you think we could rent bikes? The drive here wasn't long at all but it's too far to walk for dinners and ice cream like this every night."

"Are you telling me you want ice cream every night?" Val teased as she leaned over and stole a bit of his.

"Well they had too many flavors! Hmm, yours is good."

"I love you silly girl. But yeah, we can definitely look into that. We should probably go to the grocery store tonight before we go back and maybe pick up some essentials at least for breakfast. Then tomorrow we can see about the bike rentals and what we need to do." He suggested.

"Perfect. Love you too." She replied before they both fell into a quiet silence.

Over the next three days, Val and Sharna spent time just doing whatever they wanted. They woke up early and relaxed on the beach. They rented bicycles and went for early morning rides and late night rides. They explored the area, met some of the locals, and tried new foods. They watched the sunrise and the sunset. They simply just relaxed and healed together.

On the last night, Val decided he wanted to implement one last surprise. He had spoken to Harry the owner of the lighthouse and found out that there was a small sitting area on the top level. Harry explained that before his wife had passed, sometimes they would take some blankets and head to the top level and just watch the stars, the water, and enjoy the night. Val decided this was the perfect end to what had been the best dose of medicine for the two of them.

"Hey you, so I want to surprise you tonight but since it's only us here, I need you to be busy." Val said as he found Sharna on the porch reading her book.

"What does that even mean sir?" She said looking at him perplexed.

"It means, I want you to go take a bath, relax, and then put on something comfy. I need to run into town but I'll be back quickly. I even started the bath water for you." He said leaning down to kiss her. He scooped her up making her yelp initially but then giggle at his antics. He carried her into the bedroom and set her on the bed.

"Very caveman like sir...." She said looking at him with a grin.

"Well, I couldn't take the chance of you getting engrossed in your book again princess."

"Understandable. So you're leaving me?" She said looping her arms around his hips and pulling him to her.

"For a very short amount of time and only to surprise you." He said as his hands rested on her shoulders.

"But you could join me in that bath." She said sexily as her hands slipped under his shirt and coasted his back.

"You're killing me girl. I'm going. Go enjoy your bath. I'll see you in a half hour." He said moving her arms and pressing a kiss to her lips.

"Fine. I love you." She said letting him leave. She headed into the bath and grinned at the bubbles and candles he had prepped for her. He really was her prince charming. She sunk appreciatively into the hot water as she closed her eyes. She had full intentions of reading while she relaxed. She was currently reading a suspense novel and she was getting to the good parts. However the second she sunk into the water, she knew that she was just going to be relaxing.

"Babe!" Val called as he entered the cottage. He had just put everything into the lighthouse as well as the blankets and pillows. He had gotten them dinner and wine as well as some ice cream that he put in the freezer for later.

"Princess!" He yelled again when she didn't answer. He headed into the bedroom and realized she was still in the bath. He chuckled before heading over to her. He knelt beside the tub and ran his hand down her check.

"Val?" She said with a shiver. Apparently the water had gotten colder with her in there.

"Sleepy?" He teased leaning over and kissing her before moving back to grab her towel. He helped her out and wrapped her up, holding her half asleep body to him for a moment.

"Just relaxed. Wait! You're surprise! I'm sorry!" She said as it registered.

"Whoa, it's okay. It is ready but it's just us. All you need is clothes when you're ready." He teased all too aware of the fact that she was naked underneath.

"You said comfy right? Can I have your sleep shirt?" She said with a wink making him groan. The sex appeal of her in one of his t-shirts was always through the roof. He was never sure why but it was.

"You can, it's on the pillow. I'm going to leave you to get dressed because if I stay, we'll never get anywhere. I'll meet you in the living room princess." He said walking away. She dressed quickly in his shirt and a pair of boy shorts. She grabbed his sweater and then made sure her hair wasn't too crazy before going to find her guy.

"Where are we going? Are we picnic-ing on the beach?" She said as she slipped her arm through his and let him lead her out.

"Close but no." He said as he headed toward the lighthouse.

"Val!" She said as it clicked. He opened the door and let her go ahead of him.

"Harry said that the top is a platform deck where we could relax. He said he used to bring his wife here for dates when they were just starting out and didn't have any money."

"This is absolutely amazing. This view Val." Sharna said as they reached the top. He led her over to where their pillow bed was laid out.

"Our dinner." Val said as she saw the cheeseburgers and homemade chips laid out for them.

"Eep!" She said happily as he helped her sit down and then moved to the other side of her.

"There is also ice cream in our freezer." He said with a laugh as her grin got bigger. They ate dinner as they talked. Once they were finished Val threw everything into a garbage bag he had laid up there. Then he pulled Sharna over to him and pulled her in tight as they watched the sunset.

"Thank you." She murmured into his chest while they laid there.

"Thank you." He said back.

"I didn't do anything mister."

"I didn't either baby. I just love you that's all." He said as his hand ran up and down her back.

"I know but you planned all this. Not just tonight, this whole mini trip. And we needed this, and you've been my rock for so so long. And now with everything with the therapy and just being there for me. I just, I know you don't like it but you need to know how grateful I am for you. For all of it."

"I love you. And I'm grateful for you too baby. And I know you think I'm helping you through all this but at the same time, there's a little bit of selfishness involved. I love you so much that I need to protect you. I need to ensure that your safe and that you feel safe. So all of this, that we've been going through. The therapy, the exercises, the talking, the cuddling, all of it. I need these things just as much as you princess. I may not need them in the way that you need them but I need them too. So while you tell me thank you for letting me be there for you and for doing everything with you."

Sharna didn't have any words after that and just leaned up and kissed him. His grazed hers again and again while the moment went from sweet and sentimental to passionate and needy. They made love slowly and carefully, each savoring the moments with the other. The past few months had been months of turmoil and hard times however through all of it, they had each other. And this, this right now with nothing but the water and sky around them, they showed each other just how grateful and how much they loved each other.

"Val?" Sharna said timidly after they had finished. She was tucked tightly against his body, her head laying on his heart as she could feel the beat under her ear. Their legs tangled as her arm looped over his waist. His arm was holding her to him while his fingers traced lazy circles on her rib cage making her shiver every so often.

"Yes baby?" He said as his lips rested against her head.

"I....." She started but her body shook suddenly and he became worried.

"I'm right here princess." He said as he went to shift so he could see her face but she shook her head. She wanted to stay where she was. She just needed to get her bearings about her before she said this.

"Can we talk about something?" She finally stated.

"Always. Take your time. We aren't going anywhere baby."

"Starting a family." She whispered almost so softly that he nearly missed it. It registered what she said and he could feel his heartbeat speed up almost immediately. He hadn't thought that was what was going to come out.

"You want to talk about us starting a family?"

"Yes."

"Right now?"

"Well maybe not right now. But I've been thinking about it and I, I want that with you. The other day when Shai was snuggled into me before we left, upset that I was leaving. I just thought, I want this. I want to hold our baby and snuggle them. I want to watch our son or daughter want his or her daddy when they are sick or sad or sleepy. I want to teach them things, have them grow into amazing people. I just...I want you to know I want that."

"I want that too more than anything. I don't want to do it til you're ready though."

"I'm not quite sure I'm completely ready to fully try but I'm ready to start talking about it if that's okay with you. Maybe not tonight because well, I'm enjoying this moment with you but slowly."

"That's more than okay baby. We can talk about it and maybe even bring it up next time we're at Dr. Kate's office if you're okay with that."

"I think that's a good idea. It's not something we've covered with her and I just, I don't want us to falter because of it. You know? As scared as I am of trying again and having that all happen again, I want this with you that much as well, so I feel like for us, I want us to move forward with it."

"I love you." He said tipping her chin up so he could look into her eyes. She could see the tears in them and knew that as much as she wanted this, he wanted it as well.

"I love you too. No tears handsome." She said pressing her lips to his.

"Good ones, I promise." He said echoing the words that she usually said to him. She kissed him again before curling back into his chest content to just lay there with him as the watched the sky and the stars shine brightly off the water.

Your lucky coat, the first day of fall When you wake up laughin' just because An old church door that stays wide open A perfect heart that's never been broken That's how I feel when I'm with you That's how I feel when I'm with you That's how I feel That's how I feel when I'm with you  

**That's a wrap. I went for some lightness this week. Hopefully you guys love it. :) And as an FYI the song/title changed for this update at least 10 times, 5 of which being in the last 15 minutes. If you were waiting for my angst and drama, don't worry it's coming. We're finally at the baby talk stages and we know that dredges up a lot of issues for our Miss Sharna. Don't forget to like this up and let me know what you thought! I love you all to pieces. Thank you for being the most amazing readers/friends a girl could ask for!