opals4eyez

[opals4eyez]

Tired

I worked this weekend. I am so fucking tired today. I have like some sort of sinus infection going on. I’m also just tired from stress.

I went to therapy. I cried a lot.  I’m grieving this process. I am angry that my family is so shitty that I can’t turn to them for support. I am SO FEARFUL of telling my mom about this cancer. It’s fucking bullshit. Papa Don died and my mom calls to tell me that she already has another project elderly person to work on. I resent her so much. This is all triggering old wounds. 

If I had a normal supportive family and well adjusted parents that took just a second to treat themselves, I wouldnt be in this position. I wouldnt have always been looking at strange boys to fill my emotional needs. If my parents had just taken care of themselves I wouldnt be so scared to tell the that I have cancer. I wouldn’t always be looking for love in strangers.

I wouldnt doubt people when they love my. Brandon wants to support me. I feel his intentions are pure. But every second this cancer thing gets more serious the more I am anticipating, even encouraging him to leave.

fred hutch was able to move my appt up to this friday. Thats good news. I will have a plan. I spoke with my patient coordinator (I applied for this exact job in december!) susan today. She seemed very nice. She let me know my cancer is indeed going to be treated as triple negative.  I will probably need chemo, before and after surgery. Its making this all seem very real. 

[opals4eyez]

36 hours

My biopsy is on Wednesday. 

I’ve been minimizing it all month. Today in yoga I imagined the scream/tears of joy I will release on Friday at work if my test results come back negative. I envisioned myself running out of the break room to tell all my peers that it’s come back negative. If positive.. I think I will continue to shut down. I feel almost full of manic energy. If positive, I don’t know if I’ll want to share with my coworkers. I don’t want to be pitied. But I also want support. If positive this is going to be very difficult me, I am not used to asking for support.

 I only slept 4 hours. Did yoga for 2.5 and hiked for 3 today. Healthy outlets.

Last night I had a vivid nightmare. I was like a mermaid and diving deep deep down into the ocean, the cold parts of the ocean where it is dark and little life. I wasn’t scared. Then suddenly I was back on land and there were many moving parts, many people. I remember running. Being in some sort of bar like establishment and running from something out of the mist.. an impending doom about to sweep. I remember there was my cousin T and my ex and they were somehow romantically linked. I remember a profound feeling of betrayal.

I can’t shake my feeling of constantly getting screwed in life and having to constantly get back on my feet. It is so ironic and fucked that I was sitting in my therapists office in late April talking about how amazing I felt and how on top of the world I was. Fate continues to test me. 

I just don’t want to be a sick girl. I don’t want to lose my boob I’m scared it could be the triple negative/aggressive cancer. I want MY nipples. I want my titties sucked. IM PISSED THAT I SPENT THE LAST 3 YEARS WITH A MAN WHO DIDNT SUCK MY TITTIES. I don’t want this possible cancer to be lurking behind me for the rest of my life. I don’t want to die. I feel like I just started living.. 

I don’t want to backtrack on my physical fitness. I’ve been saying so often lately that I’m in the best shape of my life. I feel so physically good. I am making so much progress. I am breaking the generational trauma. I’m doing the work. I have so many aspirations, I’m making good money and friends. My OWN friends. My confidence is up. I SANG KARAOKE. I dance now. Why does life continue to test me. Can’t I have an easy year? 

I am just going to be so happy if it’s negative. If not.. I will take it on, but I don’t want to crumble again :(

In other news my flirtation with brandon has continued.  he texts me a lot, hes very sweet. I think I like him. but I am refusing to give any legitimacy to this whole twin flame soul mate bullshit. I was telling my romantic sweet friend amy about it today and she is just like “whyyy dont you” because, well, I couldn’t stop talking about him today on our hike.

and I do really like him. i always have. But I don’t want to get lost in another person. He doesn’t seem to like to travel. i dont want to sacrifice my life vision for anyone.

But my life vision didnt involve breast cancer at 32. Maybe fate is funny. He doesn’t seem scared off by it.

My therapist said if he wants to support me I should let him. We’ll see.. No one takes care of me. I take care of everyone else.. I had come to terms that it was just never going to be that way. 

[opals4eyez]

My vitamin d levels were high per my pac. I stopped vit d supplementation a week ago on my doctors recommendation. My vertigo and has been creeping back.

I’m at SCCA again today for my breast mass follow up and I was dizzy on the drive up. I am dreading the hour long drive back. I think I will continue to supplement vit d… living with vertigo is absolutely miserable

[opals4eyez]

Phobia

On 5/2 I went to my annual mammogram. Everything was going good, my third time at the cancer center for this sort of appointment. I was at my last visit of the day, with my oncology PA. Discussing prevention, did a manual exam. I was really minimizing the risk I have. Discussed with my doctor that the reason I haven’t been as routine with my visits is financial..

Then right as we’re wrapping up, the mammogram results come in. “Mass on left breast.” My PA palpates it (this time) and measures it. It was weird being on the patient side.  Maybe most of my patients don’t react this way.. But my eyes just started welling up. This IS my worst fear.

My first thoughts “How am I going to pay for this, how is this going to work with my *shitty* insurance.”

“No, I have too much to do. I need to travel this summer. I need to keep going.”

“How am I going to do this alone?” I was worrying about the escalating talks of the bilateral mastectomy.. And possibly needing to spend my summer “off” doing that.

I wanted to be able to plan this surgery.. to prep and train my body and get physically more fit in anticipation of it. I wanted one more year of fucking around and traveling. I DO want to go to Portugal or Indonesia. I wanted to take two months off and go to Guatemala/Mexico. 

It’s ironic. at my last therapist appt this last week, all I could talk about the progress I’ve been making. My energy levels have been great, I’ve been so productive. I’ve really enjoyed waking up early on my days off and drinking tea/reading/doing yoga. I feel like my judgement of people and evaluation of who should be in my life is improving. My confidence has been blossoming.

So OF COURSE this happens. 

So ultrasound is on Monday.. I am anxious but I have accepted the possible outcome and no matter what, this has truly shown me my priorities. 

If it’s benign, I’m booking plan tickets. I’m also going to start dressing less modestly and with more confidence. I’m going to buy cute, good quality travel clothes. I’m inspired by the girl I met in Bacalar. I can get a stupid sun hat!

If not.. I’m going to go to the gym and do upper body work outs non stop ha. 

I can feel the lump now that it’s been point out to me though :( I wish I would’ve been more aggressive about getting into the cancer center in January when I was feeling that “cold” sensation. IDK. Hopefully it’s nothing. I am manifesting health. 

[opals4eyez]

146

I have been so happy. So productive. Danced all night last weekend on mushrooms with a friend. Had a great date. Playing pool. VERY ENERGETIC. Doing stuff all day long.

That being said my weight gain from presumably the BCP is up to 146 OMFG I HAVENT WEIGHED THIS MUCH SINCE 2020. Plus my acne is still around.

I got a facial last week and the chick said my pilling with products is due to dry skin. I think it’s product incompatibility but what do I know. I am going to give the paulas choice AHA/BHA another shot... 

I am switching pills. I’ve been on ortho tri cyclen.. I don’t think its helping. If I continue to gain weight I am going off. I know it’s because the pill. I am buying a scale and will start documenting my weight. I don’t think this is that unhealthy, I like my body and my face under 140lbs and that’s fine. I’m still eating. It HAS to be from the pill. I have been so active and going to the gym/yoga etc. It has to be the pill. 

Still not having sex soooo I don’t really need the pill. I need to lose weight though. But my ass does look good ngl.

Oh yeah and i called my mom today. She was freaking the fuck out last week about don ‘dying, actively dying” she doesn’t know what that means. Today hes fine though. SHES ALWAYS CATASTROPHIZING THINGS ITS SO ANNOYING.  So she proceeds to tell me she bought valium and was currently drunk  fuck I hate having her as a mom sometimes. She’s literally killing herself in front of me. I cannot deal with it.

[opals4eyez]

On Recommendation from my therapist

I had my 4th therapy appointment. The first one after returning from my yoga retreat. She recommended I catalog this for future states of darkness.

Ever since coming back from Mexico I feel so hopeful. I’ve been wanting to go dancing. My mantras aren’t making me cry anymore :) I went grocery shopping the other day and had positive interactions with multiple people.

Compared to this December when I had an awkward exchange with a cashier at Costco.. Then proceeded to go to my car and cry. I just feel so reborn. The most profound thing I realized on the yoga retreat was perhaps the source of all my walls. I was always taught by my mom that I cannot trust anyone. Can’t trust grandma, can’t trust my aunt, cant trust my cousin/my dad/my neighbor. And then my mother herself betrayed my trust.. It really made young me feel emotionally isolated and alone. It makes sense I turned to numb myself out. I had so much despair. I wasn’t allowed to trust anyone, not allowed to be friends with anyone. My mom wanted me to be her emotional caretaker first and foremost. Who was supposed to care for me? 

My mantras.. I am lovable, I am proud of myself, I am growing more confident every day.. they are working. I no longer cry when I think them.

I’ve been socializing and dating. I broke things off with the younger “situationship.” I went on a 2nd and 3rd date with one guy. I have been very straight with him that I cannot commit to anything and it is purely for fun. He has been very understanding. Does not seem to have a jealously streak. Just a truly kind person. Not my usual type physically, a bit straight and narrow. But that tongue DO IT. I’m excited to have sex with him again. 

Then yesterday I had a dinner date with a friend. She is very sweet and I’m excited to see our friendship grow. Following that, I met a girl for drinks on a date. My first lady date! She’s poly and in a similar situation as me it seems. I invited her to a queer only rave in May, so i guess we’re going together now haha. She’s very pretty but looks a bit straight for my type I guess? Or maybe its the lack of assertiveness I usually get with guys. I think I will always be into an assertive guy. I haven’t had a guy come spit game at me like the situationship did in a while. Some have tried but they weren’t even remotely attractive so I didn’t indulge. 

Anyways after the date we walked outside and kissed for a bit. It was different, much more gentle. I think I’m more of an aggressive lover/flirter.  

This is going to be interesting to navigate as I am also just learning how to be friends with girls. Maybe it isn’t wise to blur those lines right away. But it’s been a bit exciting viewing all interactions as a possible romantic connection. Maybe I’m just naturally flirty? 

Still have to finish my book this month. How to do the work. And start planning my portugal/euro trip!

damn I really wanna be raving too ughhhh.