#ugh this is the worst how do people do this

[coffeegnomee]

ugh sometimes watching Kab pov I get real sympathetic for how difficult it must be to be in her brain and just be so confused all the time and exhausted about masking her feelings to make other people trust her and her pain in wanting to be vulnerable and receive vulnerability and feel deep reciprocal love.

But then she says shit, really fucking mean and toxic shit towards mental health and healing and it triggers my own fight or flight and i become a ball of rage.

And like, I do get it. When you start your journey of mental health healing you often become the toxic one as you throw the shit people have said to you at everyone who also has similar mental health issues as you. (been there done that) Doing it to process your own rage at being told these things, or thinking, out of desperation, that if you can just get them to fix themselves quickly, you can fix yourself quickly. The bullied becomes the bully.

But then time passes and you realize this shit is hard to overcome. (or maybe it won't ever be overcome! and that's okay!) And you stop being toxic and you start being compassionate, to yourself and others. And eventually you start to heal and become confident in your own self worth and the validity of your emotions.

But before then it's the fucking worst place to watch someone be in. And that place is unfortunately where we are right now.

below is a short transcript of the convo this reflection is based off of. it can be triggering so like, don't feel obliged to read it.

11/10/24 kab vod: "I have no idea what's happening"

1:42:00 KAB: “what about how he makes me feel? Why is it so important what he feels and to accommodate everything he’s feeling? Why do i have to conceded to that???”

1:44:00 “I’m sick of having to accommodate to everyone else’s actions” 

realizing your masking is hurting you is one of the worst realizations (imo). bc the mask keeps you safe, but if you can't process or give worth to your real emotions, it's not serving you.

so she swaps from processing her own feeling to being angry at zam.

1:47:00 She gets he needs time and space, but “We don't have time for to try and sit and process your emotions properly. Do it after we deal with this fucking issue [...] sometimes you just need to toughen up” 

Fucking hell the trigger i just felt for just toughen up. 

1:48:00 “i need to know what he’s thinking so that we can work together. In a team!” 

what team!?!

“‘Does zam really hate communication more than he likes spawn and the server’ literally. Like pick your priorities dude.”

I’m going to fucking throw up. Because yes. Actually yes. Unfortunately and actually yes. He's gotten a lot better but like.

1:53:00 “I dunno. I wish he would care about himself as much as i care about him. Hard to see him like this [pause] maybe he does need more nurturing than i can give him bro ugh. I am just not- i am not good at that shit. I think it’s stupid [..] when you have a job to do [..] just shove your emotions away for a bit. And then you can process them later” 

I was going to say this is just eclipse, but I just realized that maybe it's just this is exactly the perception Zam had of Vi: that Vi just wanted him to move on when he couldn't. All his deepest fears of what Vi wanted from him are being personified into a new person. 

(also he is shoving his emotions away and that's why he's not processing it and giving you an answer for why he "doesn't know"????? but since he's not a perfect ball of joy and masking to you and because he is doing what you can't (shove emotions away) you are in rage)

1:54:00  “But it’s like, while there’s a life or death situation that literally determines the entire server we don't have time to be like, holding your hand, you know? Like, you're an adult” ughh fuck. being broken is inconvenient for others and age is seen as an invalidation to any of your real brokenness. If you're old you no longer have the right to be broken. Can we please change this narrative? thx

“If he cared enough he would actively try and do something to help himself in this situation” 

Interesting choice of words to say "he would try to help himself if he cared" complaining about others not "working" on themselves (and you can never know if someone is working on themselves bc you're not in their brain) helps nobody bc you can only control yourself.

“You just want to sit and feel bad about yourself” no that's what you're doing kab

“He got me to fucking open up to him and pour my heart out and is now turning his back on that entirely. That’s what i’m actually more upset about” 

oh the naive belief that because you pour your heart out to someone they must reciprocate. That is the risk you take when you are honest with someone about your feelings. They are at no obligation to reciprocate ever. Never ever. But that doesn't mean your feelings aren't true and it doesn't mean you shouldn't have done it. Love is a risk.

But also she feels she was forced into it. Forced to be vulnerable and she hates the vulnerability. She doesn't remember (or believe) that Zam promised to not use it against her. She isn't willing to give him the chance to not use it against her. He simply knows and that is a threat.

So love turns into spite. Instantly. And she doesn't want to talk to him anymore. And decides that she will just be fake to him.

oh girl. keeping the mask on doesn't help anything. 

“I’ve lost a lot of respect for him today. I’m done trying to impress him”

and so the mask returns. and healing stops.

[be-a-cute-scientist]

.

[necrotic-nephilim]

for the ask game (i'm so happy you're still doing it!)

in a bit darker version of canon, one of the antikilling batfam members actually kills someone (i'm thinking dick or tim). maybe it's an accident, maybe the're spiraling and reach a breaking point or maybe something happened that irrevocably changed their worldview. how do they feel? do they cover it up? do they continue killing? who knows about it, who helps them cover it up, who joins them? how does bruce, the rest of the family and hero community react if they find out?

for the ask game!

ugh i LOVE when characters are pushed over the edge and have to deal with the consequences of their actions. especially Dick and Tim who are just. both so dedicated to their moral codes and having them shatter. you get both versions bc i have thoughts. we'll start with Tim

there are a lot of routes you can take Tim killing someone. but i specifically would have it happen right after the Titans of Tomorrow and/or Lonely Place of Living arc, where Tim faces an evil older version of himself who's very pro-murder and has led the Titans down this dark path as Batman. because that's what Tim's afraid of becoming. he's afraid of what being Batman would do to him, and he's afraid of whether this future is inevitable or not. so to have Tim in this mindset of hypervigilance of what he's capable of and he kills someone anyway? i'd love to toy with the "is the future inevitable or can we change it" concept. i like the idea Tim's kill is Captain Boomerang, given the death of his dad and all. Tim insists up and down to Bruce that he can handle this mission, it won't be too personal for him, he's fine. and the funny thing is, he feels fine. he's compartmentalizing all his feelings pretty well. so well, in fact, he doesn't realize he's killed Boomerang with his bare hands until it's already done, and there's blood everywhere and Tim has to figure out what to do. he has to cope with the inevitability of the future he's convinced he just set into motion.

he would know, realistically, there's no hiding it. especially not from *Bruce*, who knew Tim was on this mission. someone's going to notice Boomerang is missing sooner or later no matter how well Tim cleans up this crime scene. honestly, i think he'd call Helena. he's close to her, and she's pro-murder, making her the least likely to judge him for it. what he doesn't expect is that when she shows up, she takes the blame for it. she fully looks Batman in the eye and says she murdered the guy and somehow, Bruce buys it. Tim keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop. because more than just committing murder, it'd terrify Tim to get *away* with murder. to know it was just that easy, he had to call one person and it all went away. Helena doesn't even seem particularly bothered by taking claim for it, she's killed men for less and she thinks she's helping Tim with this, helping ease his conscious on the whole thing. she even tells Bruce that Tim tried to save Boomerang, that's why Tim is covered in the blood. it makes perfect sense to Bruce he doesn't think about it further. so Tim falls deeper into this spiral of knowing what he's gotten away with. and of course he doesn't open up to Helena about the Titans of Tomorrow stuff, so she has no idea how this could rattle Tim so much. why he doesn't believe her when she promises him this is just a one-off thing for him and she knows he won't do it again.

i think Tim's spiral would just keep going. it's one of those paradoxical things, where he is his own enemy. he's convinced himself he is this thing, so he's becoming it. what could've been just a one-off moment fo weakness with a man who hurt him and he got away with becomes an obsession. Tim can't stop considering how selfish it is, that he gets to kill Boomerang and yet everyone else has to live with the people who hurt them being alive. i think it'd be fun, if Tim turned to Tony Zucco, or someone similar who's hurt a member of the Batfamily. it's not a serious idea, it's a late night thought that plagues Tim. if he knows how he would do it, then he can avoid actually doing it. very "Opeidius trying not to fuck his mom" complex. but the more Tim tortures himself over it, the more he notices how easy this is for him. to plan out how he could murder just about anyone and plot a clean getaway for no one to even know there was foul play. he doesn't act on it. he refuses. but it consumes him. if he's awake, he's thinking about how he'd kill the people who hurt his family, and how easily he could get away with it.

eventually, Tim forces himself into early retirement. it's so sudden, no one expects Tim to just suddenly say he's hanging up the cape. everyone has at some point, gotten cold feet and insisted they were done with the life, but Tim. he really means it. he stops being a vigilante completely, he doesn't even like running comms. he starts to isolate himself just to be sure he won't get to close to someone to want to kill for them. no one can really get through to him and talk to him about what's going on, and it's been enough time since the Boomerang incident that no one, not even Helena, seems to put the pieces together about that being the catalyst to all of this. they want to respect his decision, but something is clearly wrong and no one can figure out what it is. they try to reach out but well. the world keeps turning. there are crises and villain attacks to deal with and eventually, it slips on everyone's mind to check on Tim because they have to save the world again.

in the end, it all comes back to that inevitability. Tim does kill again. who he kills and how he kills them doesn't even matter, and that's the worst part. he knows it doesn't matter because this was a path he set himself down bc he could never avoid it in the first place. he kills and he gets away with it, even when he's not a vigilante. he never would've ended up on this path if he hadn't seen his future self. grandfather paradox and all that. eventually, Bruce does find out. but by then it's too late, and Bruce has no real hard proof, just a suspicion he can't tell anyone else because everyone would just jump to Tim's defense. Tim has Bruce in a corner, and for once. Tim starts to kind of enjoy the game. madness spirals babey.

and of course, the Dick version

i know, with Dick, we all like to talk about that time Dick technically made the Joker's heart stop by beating him so badly. and sure, that's a fun canon moment. but it's the *Joker*, you know. i think Dick accidentally killing someone is far more fun if it's just. some henchmen. some low level villain who would've at best gotten a five year sentence for what the did. you can almost rationalize it, when it's the Joker. but when it's no one? it's just some guy? that's crunchy. that's far worse to handle. Dick wouldn't mean to do, it was the stars aligning for the worst situation. he doesn't pull his punches because he's tired and angry about something unrelated he doesn't even remember. and he just. keeps punching until some random guy is dead underneath him. and there's no bringing him back.

Dick would confess *immediately*. like, he'd firmly believe he needs to face consequences for what he did and it's the only way to rectify the situation. Bruce has taught him everybody deserves justice and Dick is sticking to those guns. he tells Bruce, he tells the Titans, hell, he even tries pretty hard to turn himself in to the police. of course no one will let him though. because it's *Dick*. they know it was an accident. they know Dick would never dream of doing that on purpose and that Dick shouldn't destroy his life for a mistake. and Dick is so torn up that no one will let him face real consequences. everyone tries to tell him stories of the people they failed to save, but to Dick, this is different. this isn't getting there too late and the bomb goes off, this is beating a man with his own fists until he felt the guy's chest cave in and still going anyway. the guilt eats Dick alive.

Dick would have a panic spiral, but very different to Tim's in the above. instead of being terrified and self isolating, Dick forces himself into overdrive. if he can't get anyone to let him face real consequences for what he did, then he has to make up for it. he has to save *every person* he can. he's overworking himself on this desperate need to be better. he knows it's unsustainable and so does everyone else, but Dick won't stop until he literally collapses. because if he had energy to kill someone, then he has to have energy to save someone.

there of course comes a breaking point. Dick stretches himself too thin and i think the culmination of it would be a long talk with Bruce. maybe Bruce opens up about the people he failed to save and they really discuss it all. Dick's guilt, his fear of himself, his anger, all of it. it's probably the closest Dick comes to therapy about all this. i do think. it's fun if some more unsavory people like Slade find out about what Dick did and try to use it as an in to manipulate Dick. pull the whole "you're no better than me, now we both know what you're capable of". and Dick has to fight that. he's stuck between a genuine support system and Slade or someone similar trying to drag him down. bc Dick knows he's not a killer, but deep down that voice inside of him is impossible to silence completely.

though i think Dick comes out stronger at the end of it, he would falter, for just a moment. he has a brief time where he almost gives in, or maybe he starts to give in. he agrees to be Slade's apprentice, unable to cope with his guilt. he's so close to killing again, but it's the light at the end of the tunnel, realizing he could never do this again. it snaps Dick out of it. he's never going to uproot the worst of the guilt from his chest but he's proven it to himself this isn't who he is. he's able to be stable again and it's all a growing moment. that said, it still haunts him. when Jason comes back from the dead, he hears whispers that Dick killed someone, and Jason holds it over his head in fights. villains know about it. maybe it even taints Dick's image, the whispers of how Nightwing beat a guy to death once. sure, he grows from it and all, but it never *quite* leaves him.

[resident-gay-bitch]

little rich boy sirius who gets disowned and can barely survive without his expensive brands and the basic human need to eat at least once a day meeting the entirely too generous james potter who just falls for the vanity and sincerity of the reformed rich boy and decides that once sirius stops caring about brands and status and rich boy things and just cares about what matters in life he decides to spoil his boyfriend to pieces because he’s secretly sitting on a fucking fortune

[sunsetzer]

On one hand, I want a final fantasy 6 remake, because the game is criminally underrated and the amount of fan content (which is all absolutely fantastic btw) is Not Enough for my neurodivergent, hyperfixating brain.

On the other hand, that would inevitably encourage more people to join the fandom, which would be great, except it seems these days the bigger a fandom gets the more toxic it becomes, and I really like what we have going on over here in our little corner. We all just love the game and its characters and nobody fights about who should and shouldn't date who or who you shouldn't like because they're ~problematique~. Nobody's trying to make one ship morally better than another, nobody's calling anyone names or threatening to doxx people who don't agree with their opinions. It's so peaceful and I love that for us. We're just vibing. Moisturized. Unbothered. In our lane. Flourishing.

[flashhwing]

I’m here to say that you may absolutely express negativity about veilguard to me as long as it’s not stupid. hate on it for real reasons, of which there are plenty, most of which I’m ignoring because of the hype but would be glad to discuss in a civilized manner. no forced positivity in this zone this is a safe space. unless your criticism is dumb as fuck then I will point and laugh

[1o1percentmilk]

if trump wins this election i am considering leaving the country

[my-thirteenth-reason]

bro wtf is with this guy i swear when will he get the hint that i no longer am and do not want to be friends with his transphobic-in-the-weirdest-way ahh

[bambeebirdie]

Alright so I just finished Earthspark and boy fucking howdy do I have opinions, but I’m not talking about those right now because I’m tired and the ending broke me in such a way I no longer care about anything.

What I would like to say though is I think Tanatulas should have been replaced with Shockwave in that on episode he had with Nightshade. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Tanatulas. He was literally so good, I loved his designs and his vibes and the only bad thing about him is that he never said his pronouns back. But really think about it. He didn’t have to be there. Earthspark spends too much time with the Maltos to really develop anyone so the more characters you add the more everything struggles.

Tanatulas showed up for one episode, he’s not even in the finale. Shockwave was there though and vaguely important, but it doesn’t make sense for him to just suddenly be okay with the Maltos. Unless he took Tanatulas role. Then his sudden willingness to help them would have made so much more sense. It also wouldn’t have been a very hard change, just as a whole, because neither Tanatulas or Shockwave are that important.

Just give Nightshade a line about how they should save Shockwave because they trust him and well everyone else acts the same.

Shockwave even fills a similar general role as Tanatulas being a weird scientist who care more about their science than the war. So it really wouldn’t be a hard switch and would make Shockwave make more sense. If you want to go further too Shockwave doesn’t even have a normal vehicle mode so he really could have given similar lines about alt modes to Nightshade.

Obviously Shockwave actual introduction episode would be different or maybe he’d just get replaced entirely but I really don’t think any of those changes would be too hard. Because again, he’s just not important enough for any changes to his character to be hard.

Tanatulas in Earthspark doesn’t validate his existence much as is. I really do love him, but he’s replaceable and just clutters an already poorly handled cast. While I think it would be cool if he was just more important they clearly didn’t want that by not even giving him a finale shot. So I do think just swapping his episode with Shockwave (and whatever other alterations are needed to make that perfect) fixes the problem with having too many underdeveloped characters since it removes one character and in the process developes another.

[talkedy]

Burnout is so hard... it just sort of intermingles with depression and takes over everything. I'm finding it really hard to eat anything beyond a few bites of food a day because it's just so overwhelming... it takes so much energy... and then I have LESS energy because I'm not eating... a terrible feedback loop

[phantaloon]

.

[gulliesforever]

god. one thing i LOVE about amir that he has no self preservation. i was thinking abt the episode GIRLS. specifically the moment where the 2 girls at the bar say amir looks better but amir is like - “um no its obviously jake ur wrong” and jake agrees…

it got me thinking…. Thinking about how much amir is willing to take for himself vs how much hes willing to go for jake, yknow? like amir gets mad sometimes when he perceives an “insult” but its not bc hes defending himself as much as he is acting out. but amir actively DEFENDS jake when it comes to some traits he doesnt even TRY to defend in himself - his looks(girls as mentioned, and subtle comments like Swag where hes like “i only hang out with the hottest guys”)… how people address jake (like in Ice Breakers, Bitcoin, jake’s sick). there are exceptions to defending jake but to me those arent really about something like jake’s personality/looks that he cant change, and more a reaction about how he treats amir (trust fall 2) or jake acting like J-Witz for other ppl (some insecure jake eps, esp the recent ones)

And for the most part he plays along with Jake being the better one of the two. Ace and Jocelyn… hes the SIDEKICK. “You consider me dumb!” In normal conversation. Going along with being the Troll Named Rod in Tiny Wings. APOLOGIZING TO JAKE IN CORDUROY PANT. In Table Read where ALL his main characters ARE JAKE…!! Small things like that. He KNOWS and WILLINGLY ACCEPTS his role as being the guy who gets beat up and looks like shit to everyone else because who CARES about their opinions when ONLY jake’s matters??

in a weird way, he’s entirely selfless. amir doesnt do things for the benefit of himself. like yeah. he has murderous tendencies. he hurts people. but all of it is either for attention (mainly to be able to tell a story to Jake), random insane urges(<3), or a form of like??? overdoing stuff which self sabotages him????? Which he’s aware of vaguely????

its just… amir holds such little value on his own appearance, life, and wellbeing to the point where he just doesn’t consider he matters. him being hurt and betrayed is another tuesday. But he would defend jake no matter what. because jake doesnt DESERVE that. and whys that? its because amir LOVES him. because amir loves jake and that CLEARLY means he deserves everything. all his self love goes to jake. even if it hurts him in the long run or makes him look dumb. yknow. because whatever. who cares. EVERYTHING hurts anyways and whats another day hurting himself??? And that fucking makes me INSANE.

[skibasyndrome]

I'm about to throw all my academic values overboard to get this fucking article done

[newpartnerincrime]

[redrobemerle]

begging people to stop normalizing abuse just because it happens between siblings ::)

[dappercritter]

OH NO BRO

THE DOOMERISM'S HITTIN ME