#ugh i don't know what to do about it
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Oh good the first manic note has arrived. Time for my anxiety to skyrocket every time I hear her door open
#this one was mild but thats how it usually starts#starts mild and gets more aggressive#this time it's cause i don't recycle by the rules she's made up#we have 3 mixed recycling bins and she's decided by herself that one should be cardboard only#even though they all get picked up by the same bin lorry#she once saw me putting cardboard in one of the other bins (which everyone else does too)#and has decided that's worth posting a note through my door at 11pm#ugh i don't know what to do about it#it's such a minor issue but everything has to be done her way or she gets mad#and if she doesn't have some random issue to be mad about her paranoia kicks in and makes up reasons#like last time she said I was watching her from the windows and calling cops on another neighbour and using my 'connections' to put her awa#which aren't true but cause she's ill theres nothing you can do to convince her it's not true#so you just have to ride out the shouting and horrible notes until she either gets better or gets sectioned#sorry for the vent#i know it could be worse and is probably worse for her but it still stresses me out#fingers crossed this will be the only note#neighbour venting
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The thing no one ever considers while writing up character analyses about Merlin is that. he must have been sooooooo sleepy.
#I see everyone talking about the nuances when you look at Merlin through [x] lens#BUT WHAT ABOUT THE SLEEPY LENS#WE CAN’T KEEP SLEEPING ON THE SLEEPY LENS#(can u tell I'm exhausted)#see this reads as if I'm joking but I'm actually being SO serious. I think the lack of rest was a significant factor in Merlin's conduct#IF he got a solid 8 hours of sleep + 2 hours minimum JUST to himself everyday uninterrupted... I just know things would turn out different#like it isn't even asking for much. decent sleep + a frankly sad amount of down-time. and yet. I know he didn't get that w those 3 jobs#ugh#he must have been TIRED do you hear me#even applies to morgana she looked tired tbh. those prophetic dreams probably weren't great for restfulness. sad what she did but#she did seem sleepy#okay ignore this I am going through it. extrinsic intrinsic coagulation pathways have gotten to me if u know what I mean#actually wait no if anyone sees this don't ignore it#HE MUST HAVE BEEN SO SLEEPY and everyone must understand. SLEEPy.#I hope I do not wake up and reread this and wonder why I posted this. but like I feel like I am the correctest person on planet earth rn#I've been thinking abt merlin's nap deprived state for years now tbh#merlin#bbc merlin
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"Oh no, someone's attracted to the aesthetics of my -punk movement but doesn't know the praxis and history behind it like I do--"
OK. Tell them. Make it a teaching moment. Everyone who's in your movement learned the background from somewhere at some point, maybe this is that point for that person. Give them a jumping off point that they can dive into later.
"Oh but I shouldn't be responsible for teaching baby -punks about the history and the how-tos and--"
OK. Then don't tell them. You don't have to be responsible for teaching people with a budding interest in your group the ins and outs and how-tos. That's fair and valid! It can be a lot of work. Someone else will handle it
"But I'm annoyed that they would try to claim to be part of/be interested in my community without knowing all the details that I know after being in it for months/years/decades, they're dumb, they're posers, they're--"
OK. Then don't engage with them, if it's that bad. Maybe someone else will come around and tell them the history, maybe they'll pick it up on their own, maybe they'll just enjoy the fashion elements for awhile.
"But they shouldn't claim to be part of the -punk community if they don't know the--"
I feel like we have a few options here. People can either talk to them, share the history, share the values, share the praxis. Or they can just chase off anyone who even thinks about dipping a toe in their community, and then wonder why it's dying off later down the line.
I dunno, maybe I'm too naive and patient or whatever. But if people are entering your -punk spaces without knowing The Rundown of what you feel they need to know, maybe being nice about it and informing people instead of immediately assuming stupidity and malicious intent could help you make a new friend. Even the loudest voices in a space had to learn from somewhere, and not everyone has the luxury of being in the space as the History was Happening--whether it's an age thing or a not being aware of the space thing. Or maybe I just don't see what the big deal is behind people hating people who like the aesthetic of something and don't know the behind the scenes history about it yet.
Because I believe in the word 'yet.' No one comes into this world knowing everything about everything, and we're all constantly learning new things. I'm not gonna degrade someone and call them a poser for not knowing what I know. Because if it were me, interested in a scene but getting chased out and called a poser? I wouldn't hit the books and study up, I'd go 'that fuckin sucks, those people sucked' and then avoid anyone and anything having to do with it.
So chase people off and call them posers if you want. But if your community starts dwindling, don't be fucking shocked.
#out of queue#ani rambles#punks and posers#i cant even call this a 4am hot take because its 7pm but like#idk i keep seeing posts about like 'how DARE people think I bought my punk clothes how DARE they not know the how-tos and DIYs'#or 'ugh people only care about the ~aesthetics~ of my movement if you don't know shit get out of here' and like#maybe I'm just a shy ass introverted nerd whos scared of social rejection! but I avoid that shit like the plague#so if someone were to reject me based on not knowing about something I'd never even heard about? something i was JUST getting into?#there's a high chance I'd just scram and never look back. i don't wanna be the one who causes that emotion in someone else#granted this is coming from someone who STILL doesn't know how to make her own patches or worked up the courage to do direct action praxis#outside of offering neighbors to my tomatoes and trying to talk to people about what I'm passionate about#but still imo unless someone's a malicious intentional bad actor i dont see the point in scaring newbies off#thats how movements die imo#i know this is my solarpunk blog but its not a solarpunk specific thing#i think the main post that inspired this was about store-bought versus self-made spiked leather jackets#which honestly just feels petty to me but who knows.#might delete later
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afternoon tea
#what#at least he's not wearing maid uniform this time#ugh *skip 5000 words of complaint about my own rendering*#i should try simpler rendering next time#why do i keep coloring shaxx#i don't even think i color houndy that frequently#i don't even know when was the last time i color houndy#what have shaxx done to me#destiny 2#lord shaxx#destiny 2 art#my art
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No desire to convert to catholicism but the desire to kind of pretend that no schisms ever happened.
#[sigh] and we'll pray that our unity will one day be restored and they'll know we are christians by our love#txt#It's the bi-monthly angst about denominations don't mind me#whichever church I'm attending I know it's better than my very bleak new age era so it's not worth getting too upset over I suppose#what do you do when the UCC is too reformed and not litergical enough but catholics don't like gays or ordain women and episcopalians#make me angry because they like to ignore the atrocities they orchestrated in the southern united states and honestly every single#denomination has blood on their hands from various atrocities and ugh#too transgender for orthodoxy also#the eastern orthodox church in my city says that women can't wear pants that aren't obviously pants meant for women#so I can't check it out#I will keep going to my UCC church
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and what IF chloe's not so present in the game and there are no funny text exchanges between her and max, and dorky posts and max doesn't post a pic or two with blue/green/other colour in the mirror/or a longer shadow/or someone's hand/boot that's not hers and safi won't ask her "hey so what's the deal between you and that mysterious +1 on a bunch of your photos on socials?" and what if there aren't 1000 of her pics and her clothes and the ring is not joyce's and they're not actually friends/lovers on distance for now bc chloe's in another university and what IF she's not gonna visit max at the end of the game to spend the christmas with her at caledon??????? and what if they broke up or don't talk anymore and got each other blocked all over the social media and the only thing they have is a message from victoria about how she could never believe they would be apart?
what IF
#don't get me wrong i know that's probably not the case#but what IF#the fact that they don't talk about chkoe at ALL#but also all the things that I've gathered from the internet#ugh#life is strange#life is strange double exposure#max caulfield#chloe price#also btw I'm still exited for the game!#and I'm gonna play it regardless bc i do want to know about max i love her#but gosh...#pricefield
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i just keep thinking about harley getting to know the truth about why peter is alone and finding out why people don't remember him and for a moment thinking he's glad he got to meet him after everything went down and immediately feel guilt and shame because its not fair peter went through so much pain and had to leave everyone he knew behind but,,,, just thinking about meeting each other before and getting to know peter and then completely forget him makes his feel sick
#but harley my baby you did#there was another crying teenager at the funeral that knew exactly what you were feeling in that moment#you just don't remember him#i feel like the world could have ended right there and peter wouldn't have notice#theres a blank space since the moment tony died until weeks after the funeral so can u blame him for not remembering harley?#they met in one of the worst days of each other's life#i just can't stop thinking about them realizing they met before and being absolutely devastated on how close they were to losing each other#because yes they met they talked and acknowledge their bond with tony but they were grieving#they talked for a couple of minutes but they didn't keep in contact they didn't become friends just like that#but now they can't possibly think about not being in each other's life#and to think they were close to lose that without even realizing it..#ugh im sad don't pay attention to me#once again i do NOT care about the english language so dont bother i know there might be typos#harley keener#parkner#but platonic parkner works just fine too
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doodles
edgar vargas and squee by johnen vasquez
scriabin by zarla-s
#sunny's art#vargas#edgar vargas#vargas zarla#scriabin vargas#zarla s#scriabin#doodles#YOU THOUGHT YOU'D SEEN THE LAST OF ME . . . . !!!!#well HELLO !!!! I'M BACK !!!!!!!!#got a new brush . what do you think of it do you like it#okay i want to ramble about these wait a second#the first one looks a bit different to the rest because i was just trying new stuff .#if i spend a long time without drawing i'll forget how to draw and well it happened#i've changed my art style like 3 times now but i still draw side profiles the same . looks weird ugh#the mug says “ JESUS loves me BECAUSE no one else will ” btw . meta gave me the idea actually . thanks meta .#about the second one . finished that one like ten minutes ago . missed drawing todd aw#i just find their whole relationship so amusing .#like yes i went crazy for like a month and now i have a brother-husband and a kid ?!#they complement each other so well though . i love them#THE UNO ONE omg i've had that idea for like A YEAR NOW and i just drew it lol#i wonder how long it would take scriabin to notice though .#when i showed this to meta she said : “ oh wow !! edgar's finally winning at something !! ” and it's SO TRUE#wonder how he does it !#and the last one . i got the idea when i was looking through zarla's account searching for fan art .#love it so much though they look like their lives aren't a living hell#anyways i'll probably make more of these . who knows#going back to school on monday . and of course i had to get inspiration four days before going back .#please PLEASE I DON'T WANT TO GET BACK TO SCHOOL . PL#okay byeee enjoy these . eat my starved followers . EAT !!!!!
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i need the murder time trio to drink eachother's blood after causing an injury. that's so romantic in both my eyes and theirs. i need them to bite eachother and claw at eachother and injure eachother and hurt. and then when they try to patch eachother up make the injury hurt more before finally wrapping it up with a bandaid and a kiss or a lingering glance or DARE I SAY a hug (because imo a hug is much more vulnerable than a kiss). peak of romantism i dare say
i need them to use violence against eachother as a way to keep them grounded or to just let out anger towards eachother i need dust to gouge out horror's eye and then give horror his own to replace it. i need horror to squeeze killer's soul until he can feel the pain but in exchange killer gets to use a knife inside his head i want killer and dust to fight everyday and soon their bones will be littered with scars of the other's attacks I NEED THEM TO HURT EACHOTHER!!!!!!
they share pain and release anger and frustration and all that stuff onto eachother but dw dw this is how they love. but they do genuinely dislike eachother (because no matter how much they love one another they STILL can never manage to get over their differences and that's what makes them PEAK) but they also care for the other two and in their fucked up minds this is a good relationship. not because its not toxic because it definitely fucking is but because everyone is satisfied
i love murder time trio poly
#double post today because i'm genuinely fucking tweaking out over this#it started as me thinking about mtt drinking eachother's blood and then it spiralled#I LOVE MTT POLY I LOVE MTT POLY!!!!! IM MTT POLYS NUMBER ONE FAN#WHO CARES ABOUT RECOVERY AND HEALING AND ALL THAT!!!! MAKE EACHOTHER WORSE!!!!!!!!!#the only people that the trio was worse to than eachother is the world#they may stab and slice and blast eachother but they are together and that's all that matters#PARTNERS IN CRIME I DARE SAY!!!!! PARTNERS IN CRIME I SCREAM!!!!!! BECAUSE THEY LITERALLY DO CRIME THEYRE FUCKING CRIMINALS#DEFINITION OF PARTNERS IN CRIME BECAUSE THEY WOULDN'T FUCKING CALL EACHOTHER SHIT LIKE LOVER OR BF OR ANY SAPPY SHIT LIKE THST#NO!!!! PARTNERS. KEEP THAT SHIT NON EMOTIONAL. AND THEN THE CRIME????#THE GROUP NAME IS LITERALLY THE FUCKING MUUUURDDDERRRR TIME TRIO MURDER TIME TRIO THEY MURDER THEY KILL THEYRE CRIMINALS#i hate when people use partners in crime to describe a group WHEN THEY DON'T EVEN DO FUCKING CRIME#this version of the trio is one of my absolute favorites. i never post about an outright romantic mtt but i love this dynamic#usually my posts are more along the lines of the mtt as a friend group (qpr but i never tell anyone that so only i get to know :3)#ufhhhhhh me when deciding if i like this violently romantic mtt or my comedic silly goofy mtt more#absolutely toxic yet beautifully in love romantic poly VS funny laugh inducing but TRYING (struggling) to heal qpr. which ones better#UGH I CANT CHOOSE!!!! I CANT CHOOOOOOSEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#bad sanses#bad sans gang#mtt poly#murder time trio poly#horrordust#kist#horrorkiller#what tricule tag category does this go in hmmmm hmmmm#this reads like a rant but i feel like this should be a hc#tricule hc
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Hungry to write, not knowing what project to pick and work on.
#also straight up lonely rn#i know i'm not supposed to get tired of doing good but i am. i am tired of everything that goes wrong for my mom and the fact that she#can't even really do math or write legibly anymore and i think most of the reason i get so quick and short and to the point in those#situations is because i'm trying to pretend it's all fine when it is NOT but i don't know what to do i can't fix her i'm not a doctor#and i can't acknowledge to her face how bad it is because she is terrified of being 'sick' she hates this so much#nothing about my mom's situation makes sense i'm lost i want to go jump off a cliff and maybe find some peace on the way down#i don't even know what to pray for for her#just help#help God#raindrops#should i delete this#ugh#no one reads the tags anyway
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#larvesta#i guess this thing has “larva” in its name but it doesn't look like one to me#it looks like a fuzzy little creature. maybe i don't know what a larva looks like which!!! is fair. that is a thing that is true. that i#don't know what a larva looks like. i think i will live in ignorant bliss believing that all larvæ have cool fire powers and look like this#and they all evolve into volcarona. thank you#ugh. EVOLVE. i just finished writing a research paper about pokémon so i can't get the “evolve” puns out of my head#it was awful. you don't wanna read it#doing research was also not easy mostly just because no one wants to talk about pokémon in an academic sense#who knew!
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obviously Jamie not being in season 4 would suck mostly because I simply want Jamie to be there and to get more of his story and get to enjoy more interactions between Jamie and the other characters. At the end of the day though, I can just not watch s4, which I'm perfectly okay with.
what sucks EVEN MORE to me, and is far harder to avoid, is that not having Jamie in the show totally changes the *canon* of the character in a way that will inevitably bleed over into fan spaces, regardless of whether or not I'm actively watching. However they write him out (I assume it would just be having him go to another team) becomes the new "Jamie Tartt canon." And that small thing totally changes his story and we don't even get to see it play out! When i was perfectly happy playing in my sandbox of a million equally valid possibilities.
#the one thing about s3 that was truly great was that it gave us an ending so successfully ambiguous you could really imagine anything#we could take the story anywhere we wanted to take it!#like. I don't WANT all of my fics to become AUs simply because they needed an easy way to write a character out of the story#and i don't want my fandom space to be constantly clouded by his absence.#does that make sense?#like i really do fear it would make both seasons 1-3 and the fandom space substantially less fun for me#:(#it has little to do with not wanting jamie to ever go to another club even. because i do think that's a realistic option obvs.#it's just that like. in fic there's a million interesting ways to explore that! and it's just one of a whole bunch of possibilities!#he could do a lot at richmond before leaving. he could play elsewhere in the uk or internationally!#his relationships with different characters change in different ways depending on where he goes and what he does#and ultimately each of those playgrounds have different toys!#but on the show his path would be set in stone AND we wouldn't get to play with any of the toys on the playground. you know.#im willing to let go of more jamie tartt content but i don't want no more jamie content PLUS other content that changes his canon. ugh#ted lasso#jamie tartt
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you know as a neurodivergent person I only have two fucking requests of anyone I consider a friend: 1) do not cold shoulder or get aggressively angry with me for something you didn't bother to communicate you had a problem with and 2) do not fucking infantalize me and treat me like a naive fragile broken child who is a burden on everyone in my life. shouldn't be too hard right??? insane how many neurotypicals are fucking incapable of doing the bare fucking minimum
#literally the only prerequisites i have for someone to be my friend#like if I love you legitimately everything else is a non issue. it doesn't even occur to me to get mad#and it's not even in a “sigh i will look past this for you” way. genuinely there's very little you can do to bother me if you're my friend#ill just assume you had good intentions#because i trust that you wouldn't intentionally hurt me if you're my friend so getting angry is pointless#but i genuinely don't know how to handle it when people i care about get mad at me. it scares the shit out of me#ugh i can't explain what i mean#but god some people really just don't give a shit once they dont need me anymore huh#it's the way they go out of their way to make me feel like a helpless 13 year old who can't do anything right again#vagueposting the shit out of tumblr dot com#i swear if you manage to lose ME as a friend 9 times out of 10 there's smth seriously wrong with you#because i virtually have no standards and will put up with everything#and am the person who cares too much in almost every relationship in my life
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huh
#ok look i have so many things to say right now#i thought i would be happy to hear the news about his next project but#first of all i feel like a goddamn fool because i've been repeating for MONTHS that the warriors was just a rumour#that's literally what he said in one interview#and i was genuinely happy because i wanted him to write something original#not a fucking adaptation#honestly he can do better and we all know that#second of all a concept album doesn't sound bad but BUT#“major pop stars” my ass#what the actual fuck are you trying to tell me#i wanted a broadway show with broadway stars#i don't want pop stars#i might know what that means and i guess we're gonna get that collab with taylor but#this is#wow i have no words#i am so fucking disappointed#first the lion king which i already said i had mixed feelings about because it's just another disney project#now this#i was honestly expecting something original and spectacular#i kinda... hate this sorry#don't know gonna post this anyway#as my duty#i also want to know what everyone else thinks#am i the only one who's just deeply disappointed?#i'm so sad right now#maybe i'm just being overdramatic but#ugh#lin manuel miranda#lmm#boy you got me helpless*
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yu yu hakonstruct intricate rituals which allow you to touch the skin of other men.mp4
crossposted to youtube
#pls excuse the lameass editing </3#ugh this is NOT a conclusive compilation btw#the way kuwa's like oh shit chu's like 5x stronger than rinku we're screwed i don't wanna fight him#and then the knife edge death match happens and he's like oughhhhhhh unga bunga fighting hot#yusuke has a lotta nerve being like damn you're kind of a masochist kuwabara and then turning around and going#(licks lips) ohhh if i fuck this up im dead hahaha#like you can't make this shit up im sorry it's just. THERE.#[clutching at my hair] DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE. I JUST NEED YOU GUYS TO ACKNOWLEDGE THIS BC ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY#yyh#yu yu hakusho#kuwameshi#kazuma kuwabara#yusuke urameshi#keiko yukimura#yyh chu#so when i put chu as a potential gay awakening point for them this is why i mean look at this#they have to know what theyre doing here right they have to know. head in my hands#nyarla dni#because ive been in kuwa's shoes here so it feels Very clear to me and i can't stop thinking about it. hes me#and it's so weird to know Exactly whats going on with him and yusuke and having it go *almost* completely unacknowledged in the show
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s3 episode 11 thoughts
dare i say it… new favorite episode?
whatever expectations i had, they were blown away. usually the episode after a two episode arc feels weird and stiff, but this? this hit every box on a checklist i didn’t even know i had.
i’m bouncing off the walls right now. i'm pacing my room and mumbling to myself while gesticulating wildly. i am filled with an energy that caffeine has not ONCE given me. and it's called "your character, that is so near and dear to you, got an episode dedicated just to exploring their inner life and workings and belief system and faith in God and the world". try it if you get a chance.
so let us begin. let me give you my verbatim notes, so you can watch the excitement grow.
oh boy! oh boy oh boy! i am excited! and i know by now to not expect any real continuation from the last episode, but i’m still excited because the last two were so good! and this one is like… good omens? with a kid that can start the end of the world?
wow. never have i thought to myself, how would mulder and scully handle biblical revelations? but here i am. wondering it.
hope the kid is chill. hope he has good vibes. mulder will like him anyway because he’s actually a huge softie but still better if he’s got good vibes.
we open on a sermon. the priest or pastor- depending on the denomination- whatever his title is, he is talking about faith. saying that miracles are real. and now he’s shaking and moaning. is this one of those churches?
OH HE’S BLEEDING from between his knuckles like some sort of blood wolverine. people are looking at him, thinking, what is going on? and this is something i am also wondering. maybe it was fake though…. little capsules in his hands, maybe???
he’s dabbing off his makeup now. as a man enters his dressing room. saying that some people really do believe. but he’s being weird.
and then this guy escalates to murder. and when he touches this pastor he’s burning up??? huh??? a firebender?? in pennsylvania??
THE INTRO WAS DIFFERENT AGAIN THIS TIME. WHY DOES IT CHANGE. i have come to know these beats VERY well!! they are like a heartbeat to me. you cannot simply alter them as you see fit!
scully looking at the body of the dead pastor/priest, talking about how it looks like rope burns around his neck. mulder crouching VERY close by.
HEHEHEHEHE mulder is like “he was bleeding from his hands like the crucifixion” and scully goes “stigmata?” heheheheheeeee i’m blushing
(talking about belief systems is apparently a way to my heart? like c'mon, tell me how you understand the universe and which elements you surrender to knowing that you will never comprehend. you look cute while doing it)
no wounds on the hands, though… so mulder licks the blood. and i froze JUST as scully makes this horrified face... i’m CRYING. yes, it is fake blood, and yes, he has some on his lips and teeth, and yes, its adorable. but what a risky move!
ohhh he was wearing a sugar pump sort of thing! yum yum. couldn't be me, i'd be slurping that.
so mulder has been tracking religious murders related to stigmatics (excellent word!)
scully’s talking about how certain people believe at any given time there are 12 stigmatics in the world. and they represent the 12 apostles. and i’m blushing terribly.
nods solemnly. i am learning a lot about myself through this show.
scully you are so preeeeetty.
okay, cut to elementary school in ohio. kevin is blowing spitballs. his teacher is bullying him into doing math on the board. when all of a sudden, his hands start bleeding!! and we see that he has the holes!!!
he’s in the nurse’s office still when mulder and scully show up. damn how did they get to ohio that fast… OHHH they had put out an FBI alert and maybe this happened more than once. yes, this is exactly what is explained mere moments after i made the initial comment.
so it happened BEFORE, and they assumed it was an incident of abuse, but it wasn’t proven. still, his dad was institutionalized after saying Kevin was chosen by God. okay! things escalated.
scully is talking to the boy. she feels his forehead and says he feels feverish. okay doctor!! and she says he is very brave. queen. smart and kind.
mulder is meeting kevin’s mom. explaining that he might be in danger from a religious fanatic.
oh! the thermometer in his mouth broke. straight up exploded. hope that was fake mercury in there.
they’re going to put kevin back “into the shelter” which i feel like would make him an easier target for a serial killer?? but on the off chance it WAS his mom, it would make him safer. so mixed feelings here.
mom yells at the teacher, teacher says she loves her job, and mulder has this excellent smile. then waves scully out to leave. it was kinda funny to me for some reason, the waving her out. quite domestic.
mulder thinks the kid did the cuts to himself to get his father back. hmm. not buying it. so they go to talk to kevin's dad.
dad claims the forces of darkness have been watching kevin. in the great war between good and evil. he’s really talking to scully and he says they just “come full circle to find the truth”. she says dude idk what that means?? and he says “you will” okay... i’m creeped out a bit!!!
kevin is back at the children’s home. telling a bunch of other kids scary stories. and he seems to be explaining a scary guy who is walking into the building as the storytelling goes on. just as the scary guy enters, all the kids leave. scary guy is looking at the wounds on kevin’s hands!
soon after, mulder is with the group of children who saw the guy. we learn here that mulder is 6 foot 1. which is very funny.
kevin was abducted by the fellow it seems he was describing before his arrival!!! and his mom seems to blame scully. she looks really upset.
they see the drawing that they think does not look like a real person, and kevin’s mom is like it’s owen, who did the yard work.
so it’s owen time. he’s carved noah’s ark and he has kevin. but he says he can’t let him go home. because it isn’t safe. he refers to himself as kevin’s guardian angel. hmm. that makes me suspicious.
owen grabs a shotgun when a car pulls up. but the agents get him to put it down and scully is on a quest to find the little dude. and he was there… but now he isn’t?
so owen says God asked him to protect kevin.
OH ANGRY MULDER IS GONNA QUOTE SCRIPTURE AT YOU!!!!! now give him some DAMN ANSWERS!
owen is like, well YOU believe, don’t you scully, because you have that necklace on. he’s calling her a BAD CHRISTIAN??? the audacity….
then owen gets up and JUMPS OUT THE WINDOW??? and runs away??? somehow??
(mulder jumped down from the porch to chase owen, and his big coat floated around him like a cape... i giggled)
now where did this dude go...?
kevin made it home!!! he’s yelling for his mom. she doesn’t seem to be there, but someone rang the doorbell. and we only see a quick glance but it LOOKS like the killer!!!
who burns off the doorknob with his firebending!!! so yes, it is the og killer from the start of the episode! he comes in and asks for kevin. saying he knows he’s here.
mom, now would be a good time to roll up with a gun.
he picks up a family photo and sees kevin in a picture then checks the closet to see if he’s in there but kevin is in the hamper. and the hamper is bleeding!!! dead giveaway.
but owen rolls up just as the firebender guy opens the hamper, and starts fighting for him!! so kevin is making a break for it!!!
he runs and runs and RUNS INTO MULDER!!!! scully is telling him that he will be okay.
they only find dead owen. no firebender.
and kevin asks scully if she was sent to protect him… she does not seem to know what to say because. do you mean like by the government... or jesus?
autopsy time!!!! she’s talking into the voice recorder like always. it always gives vlog energy. anyway, his body looks very much alive. despite the very much dead thing.
mulder interrupts this. and scully asks him to SMELL the dude. he obliges. with only a smirk!
scully says he smells a bit… floral.
OMG!! OMG I RECOGNIZE WHAT IS GOING ON HERE. they talk about it in the brothers karamazov, how a holy body is said to stay intact and even smell good when it ought to be decomposing. so the real question is: is she imagining it?
i mean, she is the body expert. so i’d want to say no. but also, this dude was playing with her head. so it’s hard to say. i'd think she would identify the body correctly no matter what, but a little smell hallucination thanks to the power of suggestion cannot be ruled out in any situation.
AND SHE TALKS ABOUT IT!! apparently it is something you learn in catechism. okay, well i just picked it up from that summer i got through that book, but we all learn somewhere. mulder is like “you’re serious?” and i feel he should be encouraging this open discussion rather than ridiculing it. AND SHE STARTS NAMING SAINTS IT HAPPENED TO!
mulder is saying that those things didn’t really happen, and i’m not taking this from alien man.
mulder has transitioned into listening mode now. OH! SCULLY! she says:
“isn’t a saint or a holy person just another term for someone who’s abnormal?”
“do you really believe that?”
“i… believe in the idea that God’s hand can be witnessed. i believe he can create miracles, yes”
“even if science can’t explain them?”
“maybe that’s just what faith is”
YES! YES I AM CHEERING AND JUMPING UP AND DOWN. we were owed a scully-centric episode, and never did i even THINK we would get something so aligned with my interests that we’d start exploring her religious beliefs and how that intertwines with her faith in science and her work. that sounds like something i’d write a fic for because it’s hyper specific to my interests. but no. this is CANON!
mulder is saying that she shouldn’t get swept up in these things (and how ironic that the roles are reversed! it’s exquisite. we’ve found his weak point, he’ll believe in anything but a Christian God)
scully is lost in thought. taking a deep breath. steeling herself.
pause. it’s a scene change. but mulder has a pencil in his teeth. it’s adorable, really. he takes it out to write something.
they pulled prints from owen’s neck!! burned right onto the skin. and they found who did it!! the man i was previously calling the firebender, his real name is simon gates, one of the south’s wealthiest men, arrested 3 years ago on a DUI.
so then he went to israel, and this is how i learned of something called “jerusalem syndrome”, where people come back from the holy land with religious delusions. i have not heard of this before. but it could be a motive. except for the whole burning fingerprints into necks thing. i'm unfamiliar with any sort of place turning you into prince zuko.
okay, so someone saw kevin with his mom the same time he was seen with a social worker??? doubles?? twins??? ghosts??
kevin and his mom are on the side of the road with a broken down car, when who pulls up but SIMON!!
she asks what he wants and he says “i think you know”, then kevin makes a break for it.
now. can an old man outrun a child? children have small legs, but boundless energy.
BUT HE’S RUNNING?? AND ANOTHER KEVIN GETS OUT OF THE CAR??? to talk to his injured mom. then running kevin DISAPPEARED!!! AND MOM HITS THE DUDE WITH A CAR!!!
sadly, it wasn’t out of excellent aim that she hit him, but rather because she had her face smacked into the ground by simon and was concussed or something similar. she drove into a ditch.
NO!!! KEVIN IS SAYING SHE DIED BECAUSE OF HIM. DEATH??? I JUST THOUGHT WE WERE DEALING WITH CONCUSSION HERE?
i guess it can be a quick trip from one to the next. but i'm sad for poor kevin.
scully is near him, telling him she promises she won’t let simon hurt kevin. OH LORD, YOU GOT HER PROMISING THINGS, SMALL CHILD.
he doesn’t want to go back to the shelter. and she says he doesn’t have to. are they going to take this small child for a bit….?
she avoids mulder’s gaze when telling him she wants kevin to come with them, saying she is not getting personally involved, but like mulder is gonna complain having a kid around.
(he actually didn't seem to have his typical instincts kick in today. how curious...)
and turns out simon rented the car under the name of one of the devil’s disciples. yikes!
so creepy simon is watching this go down despite being hit by a car.
back to the motel. scully is running kevin a bath and sees he has a big scratch on his side. from the crash… or?
mulder is fake pouting. “you never draw my bath” JCHDJSBJSND
she’s freaked out because she knows that cut was NOT there before. OH? is it the jesus spear thing??
she is busting out her theological training- he could be in two places at once, like st. ignatius! and mulder is talking about how it was all a metaphor, that bible. mulder, if you are dismissive ONE more time...
OH, I GASPED AT THIS NEXT PART. HOLD ON I NEED TO WRITE THIS DOWN:
“how is it that you’re able to go out on a limb whenever you see a light in the sky, but you’re unwilling to accept the possibility of a miracle, even when it’s right in front of you?”
“i wait for a miracle every day, but what i’ve seen here has only tested my patience, not my faith”
“well, what about what i’ve seen?”
UGH. how PERFECT is that dialogue!!! how brilliant is that exchange!!! why is what she has seen less believable than his x files and aliens and beasts? he spends so long looking to his own stars that he’s forgotten others can form constellations as well. and how often does the narrative favor him, his thoughts running like a prey animal, chasing and chasing any sort of lead. why can’t she have something that cuts her to the quick just as deeply?
sure, science is great, science is the building block of her reality. but you can’t change the way you grew up, either, the pattern recognition, the fear of the divine. and she’s never had trouble balancing the two, we just haven’t had a reason to see them interact before, because she generally compartmentalizes the day to day world and the spiritual- and how many of us can say we do the same? probably most, if we believe in anything at all. but then it comes straight to a head- and after she has been through so much as well, losing her dad, her kidnapping, her coma, losing mulder and her job (which luckily came back), losing her sister forever- is it selfish to want there to be a caring force out in the universe?
but on the flip side, that means that there is real and genuine evil, forces of the devil and hell- unless you think it’s poetry, like mulder does. but wouldn’t that explain all the suffering she’s been through? the horrific things this job has showed her? and wouldn’t it be worth it in the end to go through that all if you know it was to be defeated?
okay i just spend so long typing that up the screen went dark. SORRY SORRY I’M COMING BACK I PROMISE!!! I JUST GET EMOTIONAL.
NOOO! a weird noise was heard, so mulder kicks down the now locked door where kevin was supposed to be taking a bath. AND THE WINDOW WAS MELTED OPEN!! so scully basically comes face to face with the evil that must be real if miracles are as well. oh! i’m eating this up.
but she promised him he would be safe! so this is not looking good!
she wants to go talk to his father again. and mulder doesn’t want to, but she is NOT taking no for an answer.
kevin’s father is not coming up with an answer. the doctors have increased his meds and he’s very foggy.
she asks again about the full circle to find the truth thing. and she runs out, in a daze.
mulder gets a call that there has been a simon spotting, but she doesn’t hear; she’s pointing at a recycling bin, saying that it’s arrows that form a circle. she thinks he’s at a recycling plant; he thinks he’s at the airport.
mulder asks if she thinks she’s the one that was chosen to protect him. and she says she doesn’t know; her voice cracks as she says that if she’s wrong, she’ll meet him at the airport. OH! religious burdens, the divine pressure of fate. he watches her leave, looking troubled.
at the recycling plant- and simon IS there, saying kevin has to die, for everyone, so the new age will come. and his hands are bleeding again. all the others were false.
SCULLY AMBUSH!!! but simon is taking him into a recycling chopper. AND HE DROPS HIM IN!!! we see chopping occur!!! but it was SIMON AND NOT KEVIN THAT WAS CHOPPED!!! kevin caught himself on the ledge!!!! she pulls him up.
he says he knew she’d come, and they hug so so so tight, and she places a kiss on his head when she’s holding him, and i’m gonna cry like a baby
when they’re getting him around to leave, she says that maybe she’ll see him again sometime, and he says that she will.
and scully looks like she’s crying- i don’t think she is, but she puts her head in her hand- mulder comes in and asks if she’s okay. she says she thinks so, and he holds out her jacket to put on. it might have been the most tender thing i have ever seen. he says they need to go make a statement; she asks him to do it alone, she has to go run an errand.
again, she mostly avoids his eyes. but he agrees, and goes to make the statement alone. he doesn't press.
AND SHE GOES TO CONFESSION???? FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 6 YEARS??? she starts talking about not being able to discuss something with mulder. she asks about miracles; if she was seeing things when it comes to saving kevin, or if she was imagining them.
she doubts herself because mulder didn’t believe them!!!!!!!!!!! and usually he believes without question!!!
maybe they weren’t meant for him, maybe they were meant for YOU, he says. and she asks if this was to bring her back; he says “sometimes we must come full circle to find the truth”
and it makes her afraid!!!! that god is speaking but no one is listening!!!!
WHO THE HELL WROTE THIS EPISODE. NO. NO, HOLD ON I’M GONNA LOOK THIS UP.
KIM NEWTON. KIM. YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON WHO GETS ME ON THIS PLANET. NO ONE ELSE DOES.
wow okay. i’m going to be pacing my room about this for 100 years. there are going to be think pieces about this, from me, for the foreseeable future. i’m losing my MIND.
i don’t think i could have cooked up a more perfect episode if i had tried. something centered on scully entirely (mulder has had his fair share of attention), something about faith, something where she questions what she holds close and why she holds it close and what it means that she does so at all. what it means for there to be human good and human evil and divine good and divine evil. how god speaks to people and how we listen. or hear things that he didn’t say, like simon did.
holy FUCK i literally could not think of anything better. and i have SO much to say. i already SAID SO MUCH, too. like i’m seriously bouncing off the walls right now. whatever love i had for scully before just quadrupled- and who knew this was even possible??
for things to be reversed, for mulder to try and talk her out of a belief, how bizarre that must have felt to him, and how cold it felt. how he just couldn’t see it, how his not being able to see it drove her to doubt herself, how she must doubt herself already, but that sprung everything to the surface. how she doubts that god would use her. and use her for good.
but still, despite his lack of understanding, despite his trying to get her to think rationally- he is there for her, even if he doesn't get it, even if he could have done better. the way he held her jacket while she processed everything, the way he didn't question her needing time for herself. somethings are best left unspoken.
lord, i’m gonna have to stop there because if i don’t. i just might never shut up ever ever ever. and i still need to proofread all my raw notes, and i’m sure i’ll think of something else to say.
i started this episode AN HOUR AND A HALF AGO LMAOOOO i just had SO much to pause and observe and say which is NOT a complaint in the slightest.
wow. new fave episode i think. i’ll have to add it to the list.
please let me know what you thought- are there any other scully truthers out there who lost their minds over this? did you like the episode? is it disliked and i'm strange for going on such a ramble? did you have trouble reconciling faith scully and science scully? personally i don't, but i could see how some people might. did you find mulder too dismissive? or did you think he was trying his best? some combination of both? did scully protecting that kid make you emotional? please, spill EVERYTHING. i always want you to spill everything, but now so even more than usual.
#so here we are a full two hours since i started the episode and i still have a million things to say#but my laptop is gonna die soon so maybe that's a sign#ugh mulder was so puzzling to me in this episode. he pushed back on her but i think he realized he had overstepped when she said#“what about the things i've seen” i think that put things into perspective for him#i think he realized that this is a two way street when it comes to convictions#and honestly he probably hadn't given any thought into her beliefs before beyond the necklace and the science and the#sort of “it's best not to ask” mentality. he doesn't seem like he chats about personal philosophy. philosophy yes but not personal#i do think he learned a lesson here. not to invalidate her emotions and experiences and upbringing#at least i hope so. it seems like he was trying at the end even if he was confused#and you don't HAVE to get it. you never have to get it. you just have to see that something is important to someone you love#and that is enough to know something is worth respecting#man. i tired myself out with this one but i'm sure i'll think of a million other things to add when i fall asleep#ah well. i can make many posts on one subject!#my day was otherwise pretty unremarkable so good to have something to stand out about it#juni's x files liveblog#the x files#txf
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