#ugh i can’t be having all of these personal negative text posts my posts should be reserved for h word daya thoughts

[starseongs]

went and typed out a whole work rant but remembered that i’m supposed to cool and sexc and mysterious on this blog

[bedbellyandbeyond]

Drop Off

(Story Post)

The middle school grades were already off for the summer which is how Diederich and Nari were able to take their Europe trip, but Dax’s second grade class was only just wrapping up that week. He still had classes to teach leading up to his weekend trip with Nathan, but he always went to his boyfriend’s place immediately after school. He knew Nathan felt overwhelmed having to take care of the twins and Wano by himself, so Dax tried to be as available as possible. On Wednesday, he came home surprised to see none other than Jeffrey Matthews standing in the front hall with Ben strapped to him. Nathan was there as well, drilling him like it was a game of 20 questions. “I told you, he didn't invite me,” Jeffrey was saying. “I just came by to give Wano a gift.” “What kind of gift?” Nathan demanded. “Good afternoon?” Dax announced himself as he came in. “Hello, Jeffrey. What are you doing here?” Jeffrey rolled his eyes. “Like I've been telling Nathan, I brought over a gift for Wano. That's all.”

Wano came down the stairs at that point and went over to Jeffrey eagerly. “Hello, lovemate. How are you?” He gave Jeffrey a peck on the forehead. Nathan frowned. “Wano, did you invite Jeffrey over?” Wano shook his head quickly. “No, this is a surprise to me!” “I brought you this,” Jeffrey said handing Wano a box. “Made it myself!” Wano opened the box excitedly to find a cake inside. “This is for me? Why?” Jeffrey just shrugged. “I was saving this recipe to make for Bler for Father's Day, but you know, he’s gone, so I made it for you.” “Is that a chocolate cake?” Nathan asked. “Chocolate's not good for your Eclulan diet, Wano.” “I still like it,” Wano said. He smiled at Jeffrey. “Thank you.” Dax went over to his boyfriend and rubbed his back. “Nathan, relax.” Nathan placed his hands akimbo. “So, if that's everything, Jeffrey you can be on your way.” Jeffrey frowned. “Why are you so pushy? I came a long way. I would at least like to stay for some of the cake I made.” Wano looked at Nathan and then turned back to Jeffrey. “No, I am sorry, Jeffrey. You cannot stay.” “What?” Jeffrey huffed. “Why not?” “I did not get permission for guests,” Wano said. “But it is okay, I can see you this weekend! I will be at APID while they go north.” Jeffrey softened a bit. “Oh yeah? Okay. Can you save some cake until then?” “If you want, you could take it and bring it back to APID Friday,” Wano suggested. “No, no. You should have some while it's fresh. Just save me a piece,” Jeffrey said. “Jeffrey, if you'd like, I could drive you home again,” Dax offered. “Naw, you just got home,” Jeffrey brushed off. “I've got a bus pass.” “I insist,” Dax said. “After all, we have car seats and that'd be much more comfortable for Ben than being carried a long way, wouldn't it?” “I guess so,” Jeffrey said. “Right now, or can I say goodbye to Wano?” “Of course, you can say goodbye,” Dax said giving Nathan’s hand a squeeze. “It'll only be about twenty minutes there and back, babe.” “Thank you, Dax,” Nathan said. Jeffrey wrapped his arms around Wano's neck and pulled him down for a kiss. “Text me, okay?” “Yes,” Wano said. “I will show you how much I love eating your cake.” “Nathan can't have any because he's being mean to us, okay?” Jeffrey decided as he pulled away. “I'll see you later.” “Okay.” Wano gave Ben a pat on the head. “Goodbye little Ben.” Jeffrey grinned and made Ben wave. “Say ‘Bye Wano'! Bye bye!” Ben just looked up at Jeffrey. “Buh?” “He's not much of a talker,” Jeffrey admitted. He gave Wano's bicep a squeeze. “Alright, see ya, handsome.” “Bye.”

On the way to Ollie's apartment, Jeffrey was clearly upset. He’d asked for the aux but he wasn't settling on any song for more than a few seconds. Dax found it very distracting while he drove, so when a song he knew came on, he told Jeffrey he liked it and it was left on. “So, you and Wano,” Dax tried to make conversation. “Pretty serious, huh?” Jeffrey frowned. “Yeah… I don't get what Nathan has against us being together. We're both adults. It's none of his business.” “Well, Nathan cares about Wano a lot,” Dax said. “And I think he's more concerned about the fact that you guys won't be able to be together because of Wano's immigration status.” “He got an extension,” Jeffrey said. “Can't he get another one?” Dax sighed. “I don't think it's happening… I think Wano will be deported one way or another. He can reapply to return but it's hard to say if it would hold and how long it would take, considering he violated his VISA by acquiring a criminal record.” Jeffrey pouted. “Still… He's still here for now. He should be able to do what he wants.” “That's not really true,” Dax said. “His staying with Nathan is conditional. He can't leave the house and he must behave himself. Nathan is partially responsible for him considering he’s housing him. We're just trying to make this transition smooth so he's in good standing with APID should he be allowed back.” Jeffrey crossed his arms. “How is seeing me misbehaving?” “It's not really about him seeing you so much as… Well…” Dax frowned. “He says you're both trying to make a baby. Is that true?” Jeffrey shrugged. “Well, it’s normal for two adults in a relationship to have sex… I don't really like condoms and stuff. Most aliens can’t carry our STDs anyway. And if I get pregnant, I get pregnant, I guess…” Dax sighed again. “Do you see how that can come off as irresponsible? Wano's not…the brightest, and he's driven by a lot of very, I want to say, basic instincts, so I'm not really that surprised if he thinks having a baby will make everything great, but I know you’re the smarter one. You have the ability to be the responsible adult in this situation. Do you really honestly think having a baby right now, with Wano of all people, is a good idea?” Jeffrey huffed. “…You know, you're not my dad… I don't need your life advice.” “No, I'm not your dad,” Dax agreed. “But I was your teacher once, and I do care about all my students. You have a lot of potential, Jeffrey. I would like to see you thrive in this world. You have options. You are capable of making good choices.” Jeffrey just went silent. Dax just gave up for now and decided not to bother him the rest of the way. When they got to the apartment building, Dax went up with him to make sure he got in safe. Jeffrey's cousin was there, and he looked rather upset when he saw Jeffrey. “Where've you been?” Ollie asked. “I texted you and you didn't answer me.” “I just went out. I don't have to tell you everywhere I go,” Jeffrey stated as he took off his shoes. “I was worried about Ben,” Ollie said going over to pick up the baby. “I thought you might've taken him to a bar again…” “That was one time,” Jeffrey moaned. “Can you get over it?” “And who's this guy?” Ollie asked looking Dax up and down. “I'm Dax,” Dax said. “I—” “He's a friend of a friend from group,” Jeffrey said. “He offered me a ride home.” “I actually taught Jeffrey in high school,” Dax said rubbing his neck. “Never expected my partner to be in the same pregnancy group as him, but here we are.” “I'm Ollie, Jeffrey's cousin,” Ollie said. “I went to the same school as Jeffrey some years before him. I don't think I remember you.” “I was only there a couple years,” Dax said. “I work at APID E now.” Ollie shrugged. “Are you an ‘alternative person' like they're calling people these days?” “Uh, well—" “Ollie, you know that’s rude!” Jeffrey snapped. “It's alright, Jeffrey,” Dax said. “My situation’s a bit hard to explain.” “We're fairies, you know?” Ollie said, smoothing out Ben's hair. “Probably wouldn't guess from looking at us. Jeffrey's more than me. That's why he's so short.” “That's actually quite interesting,” Dax mused. “Is it a matter of being mixed, or are fairies like merpeople, where the child will always be a merperson no matter if one parent is human?” “It's a bit of both, I think,” Ollie said. “Fairies have been interbred with humans over a long period of time so we've sort of evolved with humans… But, uh… It's like this. Both of Jeffrey's parents were fairies making him a high blood fairy. Only my mother was a fairy, making me low blood. But I'm still considered a fairy 100%. Any kids we have will be 100% fairy no matter what.” “So, even little Ben too then, despite his alien heritage?” Dax asked. “That’s right. Low blood like me but still 100% fairy,” Ollie said. “That’s truly lovely,” Dax said. “Since embracing my native heritage, this topic has always fascinated me. I did my Masters thesis on the ‘Blood Quantum’ and it’s negative effects on indigenous groups in Canada—" “Ugh, if you guys are gonna nerd out, I’m going to my room,” Jeffrey said taking Ben with him. Ollie waited for Jeffrey to close his bedroom door before sighing. “Sorry about my cousin… He’s very scholastically averse.” “Oh, I know, imagine trying to teach him French…” Dax said. “But please, I’m now a bit invested. What sets a fairy apart from a human?” “Hm, some basic stuff,” Ollie said. “It’s mostly magic sensitivity. But physically… Can’t grow facial hair, generally short, can’t really gain weight, some magic ability, sometimes inhuman hair or eye colour. Oh, and the ears.” Dax tilted his head. “Well, your ears aren’t particularly pointed or anything… And you’re rather average height.” “Low blood as I said.” Ollie spread his arms. “All I really got was the eyes, the lack of facial hair and the metabolism. Although, if I try hard enough, I can gain some muscle where Jeffrey can’t… I think I’ve even heard of low blood fairies getting big and muscly and growing beards. Never met one, though I don’t really know other fairies outside the family.” “You do look rather fit,” Dax commented. “You have great calves.” “Thank you, I’m a runner,” Ollie said proudly. “And you’re not too bad yourself.” “Ah...” Dax rubbed his neck. “I’m a bit of a yoga and swim nut. Although I’ve been a bit out of shape lately…” “Are you kidding? You have very tight buns,” Ollie complimented. “Well, thank you… I really should start working out again…” Dax said, rubbing his neck. “I keep looking up some fun smoothie recipes I want to try for workouts, but I haven’t found the time. Not to mention the protein powders are expensive, and I kinda need it with my diet.” “Well, the one I get isn't so expensive,” Ollie said. He moved to the cupboards. “You know what, the taste's been a bit different lately so you should try some of mine and if you like it, you can get it online at wheylux.com.” “Oh? Alright, sounds promising,” Dax said. “I can order it, you don't have to share.” “No, no, it's no big deal,” Ollie said grabbing the container from his cupboard. “It really is reasonably cheap, and you don't need much each time. I take a teaspoon and it lasts so long.” “Well, alright. I'll try it,” Dax said. Ollie made up a tiny Tupperware for Dax and handed it over. “There you go. Keep the cup. I have plenty.” “Well, thank you,” Dax said pocketing the product. “I appreciate it.” “Don’t mention it.” Dax smiled. “I should probably head home though. Promised I'd be back in 20.” “Don’t let me keep you,” Ollie said. “Dax, was it?” “Yes. Dax Olivier.” Dax stepped out the door. “And Ollie, right? Are you a Matthews as well?” “Larson,” Ollie offered his hand. “Oliver Larson. Or just Ollie.” Dax shook his hand. “Well, it was nice to meet you, Ollie.” “You, too. Safe drive. Thanks for dropping off the brats.” Dax chuckled. “No problem.”

[lightsupinthenorth]

Harringrove teachers AU part 2

Part 1

*

First of all, thank you very much to everyone who read, liked and/or reblogged the first part. Also, to the people who reacted or said nice things in the tags: you made my day with your sweet words <3

Tag list:��@twoprettyboys, @inkedplume​, @marianaosborne​, @liglitterbug​, @hmg621 @spreckle @goldenweatherharringrove

If anyone wants to be added to or taken off the tag list for the future posts of this AU, let me know ;) 

*

Trying to avoid Steve Harrington soon proved to be impossible. He was pretty much everywhere. The fact he was close to Robin and Heather, who Billy himself had quickly befriended, didn’t help. Steve was always hanging with them in the teachers’ lounge before class and eating with them at the cafeteria at lunch. And, as if it weren’t awkward enough already, Steve and Billy almost never interacted directly. Apparently, Steve was tolerating Billy’s presence, but it didn’t go any further than that. Beside a half hearted “hello” when they saw each other, Steve barely ever said anything to him.

Billy tried to start conversations with him. Several times. But Steve always answered shortly, so Billy dropped it.

And he was angry about it.

Because, even though it pained it greatly to admit it, Billy would have loved for Steve and him to be friends.

Every single person in this school seemed to adore Steve, from the students to the staff.

At least a couple of Billy’s students arrived late to English whenever they had Math with Steve beforehand. They always served Billy the same excuse: they had a question of utmost important to ask “Mr. Harrington”, and it couldn’t have waited their next Math class. Billy didn’t buy the bullshit. Strangely, no one arrived late because they had something to discuss with the teacher when they had History with Murray or Science with Sam before English. Half the students had a crush on “Mr. Harrington”, and that was it.

The students regarding Steve like some kind of God was bad enough without the other teachers doing it too. Robin and Heather hugged him all the time, and Murray was constantly holding him hostage about some weird documentary he had watched or whatever theory he had last come up with, and the school counselor, Joyce, smiled extra warm every time she saw him. Even Hopper, the headmaster, would light up when he talked with Steve.

And Billy understood why. Because, while Steve didn’t lose any love on Billy, he was a ray of sunshine to everyone else. He gave his coworkers bright smiles, asked them how they were as if he genuinely cared (and he probably did) about what was going on in their lives, he gave his students encouragements when they came to the teachers’ lounge asking for him during recess (which happened far more often that it should have) because they had trouble with some mathematical concept that Billy didn’t give a damn about.

Steve was a saint with everlasting patience… Except when it came to Billy, apparently. And Billy was so envious he was nearly green with it.

He was also feeling self-conscious, wondering what Steve had seen in him to shun him even though his kindness knew no bound where anyone else was concerned. It couldn’t just be that Billy looked unprofessional, right? Some people that he’d seen Steve interact with enthusiastically had traits far more negative than that, at least in Billy’s book. It made no sense and frustrated him to no end.

He was starting to think that Steve’s dislike of him was just a visceral reaction and had no valid reason. Then, Steve had to go and do something confusing.

Billy was eating lunch in the cafeteria, waiting for Heather and Robin (and Steve, by extension) to join him, and Steve sat down in front of him. Billy immediately noticed the huge piece of chocolate cake on his tray.

“How come you got some cake? I saw someone take the last piece right in front of me.”

Billy was feeling absurdly sour over it. He could have really gone for something sweet.

“Oh… Maria saved it for me.” Steve admitted.

At least, he had the decency to look sheepish.

“Right…” Billy replied, pouting a little.

Of course, one of the lunch ladies had put a piece of cake aside just for the Lord and Savior of Hawkins High. Billy should have known.

“Do you want it?”

Billy blinked at Steve, answering a second too late to appear unsurprised by the question.

“Ugh… no, thank you.”

Had Steve really… offered to give him his dessert? Had he really been nice to Billy? Or had Billy just hallucinated the entire thing?

“You sure? I honestly wouldn’t mind…” Steve said, looking at his plate rather than at Billy.

He was just saying that to be polite, obviously. Billy wasn’t going to take his dessert away from him. It would only make Steve dislike him more.

“I’m sure.”

“Okay.” Steve looked up from his plate and offered a small forced smile, before focusing on his food once again.

Things were already back to normal (ie. Steve not talking to him), then.

Heather and Robin arrived barely a minute later, saving them from the awkward silence that had taken place after their thirty-second conversation (if it could even be called that).

As soon as he had finished eating, Steve announced:

“I’ve gotta scoot. I have to prepare some stuff before my next class.”

He had already got up from his chair when he reached the end of his sentence.  

“You still on for tomorrow?” Robin asked.

“Sure thing. See you then!”

Steve took his tray and walked toward the exit in quick strides.

“What’s tomorrow?” Billy asked.

“We’re going to Benny’s coffee shop to grade some papers. You can come if you want.”

Billy had just played himself, hadn’t he? He had asked out of curiosity. He hadn’t been expecting to be invited along to whatever Robin and Steve had planned.

“I wouldn’t want to intrude”, was Billy’s last ditched effort to avoid what was sure to be an extremely awkward afternoon.

He could have come up with some fake excuse, but he was uncomfortable with the idea of lying to Robin. Because she’d been nice to him so far, and also because he was almost certain she would see right through him. She was far too observant for Billy’s good.

“Nonsense, you wouldn’t be intruding.” Robin rolled her eyes.

“Uh… okay, then. Thanks.”

Billy was about to eat his vanilla pudding, aka his sad non-chocolate cake dessert, when Max came up to their table and awkwardly said “hello” to Heather and Robin.

“Something you want?” Billy questioned, because she was obviously there to ask him something but wouldn’t spit it out.

“I’m going to Art club this afternoon. It ends at six… Will you come get me?”

Billy arched an eyebrow.

“We have an Art club?”

Also, since when was Max into art?

“Yeah… well actually today’s the first session… whatever. Will you drive me back home or not?”

“Can’t you skate?”

Now Billy was just being an asshole. Max had been skating to and from school most days since, according to her, it was “uncool” to be seen hanging with a teacher… which was stupid because 1. Billy was her brother, and 2. There was nothing uncool about him.

“I… ugh… well. I broke my skateboard.”

Max bit her lower lip.

Billy sighed.

“Again?”

“Yeah… sorry.”

“Okay, fine, I’ll drive you home.” Billy conceded, making a quick mental note to go buy Max a new skateboard. For the third time this year.

“Thanks. Later.”

She was gone as quickly as she had come, leaving Billy to deal with Robin and Heather’s puzzled faces.

“What was that?” Heather asked.

“Maxine Mayfield…?” Billy said, hoping to avoid this particular conversation.

The universe didn’t want him to avoid things that day, though.

“I know that, dumbass. You know each other?”

“Yeah, she’s my sister.”

“What?! How come we didn’t know that?”

“We don’t have the same name, whatever. It’s not that big a deal.” Billy mumbled.

“Yeah… but still… you could have told us.”

“Here honey, have some cake, it’s delicious.” Robin said, extending her fork to Heather.

Billy was thankful for the distraction. But he mainly focused on the cake, that he had only now taken notice of.

“Did Maria save that for you?” He asked.

Robin frowned.

“Yeah, how did you know?”

“Never mind.” Billy said.

-

Billy chose to stay at school after his last class and to wait in the teachers’ lounge until Art club was over and Max was ready to go home. He would have used the time to grade some papers, but he was supposed to do that tomorrow afternoon with Robin… and Steve. So he spent the hour and a half reading, instead.

He went to the classroom, which Max had given him the number of by text, five minutes before the session was supposed to end. He waited at least fifteen minutes before the first student left the room, greeting Billy on the way out.

Max came out last, along with El, the headmaster’s adopted daughter. She was one of Billy’s students. She had some troubles in English because, from what he had been told, she had only started learning the language recently. She was pretty quiet, maybe because of that exact reason, but she seemed like a very sweet girl. It would be good for Max to hang out with her. Billy didn’t dare ask because he didn’t want to put Max on the spot or make her feel bad, but he feared she had yet to make friends at school.

Billy’s thoughts were interrupted when none other than Steve Harrington emerged from the classroom right after the girls. Well, that explained the ten minutes Billy had had to wait.

Steve had paints all over his hands, and some on his shirt. There was even a little blue spot on his cheek. He looked painfully cute. Billy didn’t like it one bit.

“Billy?” Steve asked, sounding as shocked as Billy felt. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to pick my sister up.” He said, gesturing to Max. “You run the Art club?”

Billy didn’t mean to sound this disbelieving, but he was having a hard time reconciling Math teacher and art enthusiast. Was that judgmental? Was Billy a hypocrite?

“We don’t have a real art teacher so… uh… for lack of a better option, I’m taking care of it for the time being.”

“You’re great at it, Steve.” El said with a beaming smile.

Did all his students call him Steve or was it only the headmaster’s daughter? Billy was intrigued.

“Oh thanks, El. You’re too nice.”  

Billy almost said: “that’s the pot calling the kettle black”, but he thankfully kept his mouth shut.

Steve locked the classroom door and then turned back to them.  

“Well, girls, Billy, have a good weekend. See you on Monday.”

“Actually, you’ll be seeing me tomorrow.”

What had happened to Billy’s mouth staying shut?

“Oh… you’re coming? That’s… that’s great.” Steve stammered.

He smiled, but it was too late: Billy had seen the disappointment in his eyes.

“Yeah… great. Have a good evening, Steve.” He sounded cold, as he said it.

“Y-you too.”

Yes… The coffee date was going to go swimmingly.

[chaotically-cas]

29 Things I Think Allistic People Need To Hear

From an autistic person

Not my usual content but I felt it needed to be said.

Saying “everyone is a little autistic” is really hurtful. Yes, everyone has their struggles but these struggles are far different for autistic people. Saying everyone experiences it is invalidating & harmful.

Being graded on eye contact & standing still is wrong. I’m pretty sure at one point or another we’ve had a project we were graded on & one of the grades was eye contact & not fidgeting. These things are extremely hard for autistic people & they are practically second nature. It’s like holding in a sneeze.

Stim & figget toys in schools. Of course fidget spinner’s & stim cubes can be bought & should be bought by anyone. If you want one, get one. But the way schools are banning them is crazy. They are very necessary for autistic people & it’s so much harder for them when schools ban their use.

QUITTTTT BABYING US!! We aren’t ‘uwu babies’. We are humans. We are perfectly capable of functioning without allistic people’s pity & looking down on us. We are our own people that don’t need a hand to hold in every damn situation. We aren’t cute because of it. 

Listen to autistic people. Everyone is all for advocating for people until that group of people want to advocate for themselves. So shut up & listen once & maybe you can learn something you didn’t know.

Creative writing in class is difficult. You don’t know how many bad grades I’ve gotten on because I can’t think of a good story out of my ass. It’s extremely hard for autistic people. Please give us a prompt it’s more helpful than you know.

Role playing in class. I think we’ve all had to do something where we research a famous person & have to assume their identity. This is again, so hard for autistic people. It’s hard enough for us to be ourselves. Most of us can’t understand these actives enough.

Slurs. Quit saying retard. It’s not an insult. It’s not funny. It’s offensive & every time you use it you’re hurting a disabled person & spreading harmful stereotypes. It’s not just a word. It’s not just a bad word. It’s a slur. Same as the f word or any other slur. Don’t use it.

People talking over us. No I dont mean just in conversations. Although that is another issue. I mean organizations like autism speaks that put words into autistic peoples mouths instead of letting them speak for themselves.

Stop making fun of our special interests. Whether you find anime cringey or think an adult loving Aladdin is childish just stop it. These things being extreme joy to us. They make us happy in a word that we don’t understand. So just leave us alone & let us be happy.

Don’t stare at us if we’re stimming. Especially in public. If you see me flapping my hands. Don’t stare. If you hear me humming quietly, don’t judge. These activities aren’t for your viewing pleasure. They’re for autistic people to regulate & express how they’re feeling.

Normalizing ableism. It’s so normalized. Whether it’s phrased like “suffers from autism” or how regularly ‘retard’ is used in classe; ableism is so often over looked especially by adults. There are no many micro aggressions they are just passed off as us not having a thick enough skin. When in reality it’s really damaging.

People first language. If you ever correct someone by saying “no, they’re a PERSON with autism. Not an autistic person”. Literally shut up. We’re autistic. We’re people. Being autistic doesn’t make us any less human so you don’t need to make it seem like it does. We’re still human no matter our disably. People don’t have to be reminded of this.

Using words like psychopath & sociopath. Calling autistic people these things just because you don’t understand us is disgusting. If you don’t understand these terms don’t use them. Just because we aren’t good at showing empathy in some cases doesn’t make us ‘psychopaths’.

Tone indicators. This is both the over use & not using them that’s an issue. Saying things like “/j /hj /sarcasm /srs /lh” all in one post defeats the whole damn purpose of them. & not using any at all especially when joking around or using sarcasm can lead to a lot of misunderstanding. It’s not that hard to use one or two at the end of a post. /srs

Picky eating. Literally stop making fun of autistic people for not liking a lot of foods or ordering the same thing at every restaurant. A lot of textures & flavors are very bothersome to autistic people. They can cause overstimulation or even panic. Just let us be. So I eat mac & cheese 4 times a week. I didn’t know it effected you so much.

“Ugh you’re so annoying you can’t ever get a joke”. No hearing that is what’s annoying. Tones are hard for us to understand so while most people pick up on it autistic people are more likely to read too much into it or take it seriously. It’s simple to use tone indicators in text or even to say “I’m joking”. It won’t make your joke less funny. It’ll just help us understand more.

Be specific if you want things from us. Don’t just say “hey I need a pencil”. Or “the dishwasher needs put away”. Most likely we’ll just be like, yeah, ok, and? Be specific please. Say things like “can I borrow a pencil?” or “can you undo the dishwasher?”.

Faces seeming to look weird. A lot of us having facial stims that can alter our faces. Whether it’s excessive blinking, eyebrow raising, or face scrunches. Don’t ask us what’s wrong with our face or what we are doing. For me, because of my facial stims & tics my eyes/eyebrows are permanently uneven. Don’t bring it up.

Classroom behavior charts are horrible. Autistic people don’t behave the same as allistic people. Simple as that. What they see as ok behavior, others don’t. & some times they don’t realize these behaviors will get them in trouble.

Police brutality. Especially in black or brown autistic people. It’s so common that people call the police on autistic people stimming in public because they are seen as dangerous. & when these autistic people can’t understand what’s going on or can’t make eye contact they are labeled as more suspicious. Especially black autistic people. Just look at Elijah McLean.

Feeling dumb. Especially in schools or other scholarly conversations. Some autistic people aren’t able to keep up or fully understand everything that’s being said or presented. Which leads to us feeling dumb. Give us time to process or aso questions please.

Feeling robotic. You’ve most likely heard autistic people being compared to robots at one point or another. Whether that’s for the impaired ability to establish empathy or something else it’s an extremely negative & hurtful stereotype. Especially in media.

Saying ‘I forgot’ is a valid excuse. There is so much going on in our heads. So much to process & remember. We forget things. Everyone forgets things. Especially autistic people. Please don’t yell at us for always forgetting to do the dishes. It’s not like we chose to forget.

The harmful effects of the vaccines cause autism jokes. Aside from the whole anti vaxers debate, perpetually the idea that we shouldn’t be vaccinated because it causes autism is disgusting. It’s treating autism like a disease. Like the person who has it isn’t worthy. Or that autism is so chronic it will ruin everything. It’s like people avoiding cheese burgers because it’s rumored they make you ginger. It’s preposterous. 

Yelling at autistic people for struggling to want to learn new concepts/concepts at all. This not only goes for in school but in just normal conversation. It’s hard for autistic people to grasp things they don’t have an interest in learning. So please don’t yell at us for not understanding everything about a band that we don’t care about, we would if we could. It might not seem like a big issue but it happens more than you’d think.

Intrusive thoughts. (Tw: rape mention & violence) Most of the time autistic people experience extreme spells of intrusive thoughts “omg he’s going to rape you image him raping you” or “stab yourself in the side right now” or much worse. & when autistic (and other) people try to talk about it they are labeled crazy or insane. It’s a normal occurrence to have these kinds of thoughts. We don’t want to. But they happen. That’s why they’re called intrusive.

Executive disfunction. This is basically when autistic people are views as lazy but we physically & mentally just can’t. Where tasks as seemingly simple as going to get a glass of water feels like a mountain to autistic people. It’s not that we are lazy. We physically & mentally can’t work up to it.

Class rank & graduation requirements are unfair. Autistic people socialize differently. It’s just a fact. Our brains work differently in classes & outside of it. We could be working our asses off to understand our English class book, but we get an F. Not to mention how most schools require community service hours to graduate. Yes community service is good but it can be very hard for autistic people.

Please feel free to add on but a lot of these are drawn from personal frustrations. Please listen to autistic & other disabled people more. All these also applies to those with ADHD/ADD or any other mental illness where the situations apply. You’re all valid & amazing.

I love you all. 💕

[sevensav--d-archived]

@knifelizard​ sent  🔥 🔥

Send me a “ 🔥 “ for an unpopular opinion.

**Okay so to preface this, these are MY bad takes and MY pet peeves, and I am just ONE person so please don’t take anything I say to heart bc what the fuck do I know, I’m nobody.

🔥 Formatting makes RP so much harder for me.  Like, five years ago this shit wasn’t around, I stg.  At least not in the rpcs was in.   I have trouble reading small fonts, and FOLKS THEY ARE JUST GETTING SMALLER AND SMALLER like If I have to copy and paste your text into a dang word doc and up the size, I’m probably not going to want to keep writing with you!  It’s too much work!!!  Icons too, those are getting so dang tiny and like, more power to you if your eyes can understand, but with small sizes on top of psds that more often than not degrade the image, I can barely tell what I’m seeing.  

The thing is, I understand that doing formatting is some of the fun for roleplayers, so I take it all with a grain of salt.  Not everyone has the same beef with their eyes as me.  BUT, there’s a big ol’ problem with a sense of elitism that comes with ~formatting~ in rpcs.  I have noticed it pretty much first hand, since my formatting pretty much ends at cutting and trimming my posts.  I shouldn’t have to force myself to take even MORE time on my posts in order to be noticed and taken seriously as a roleplayer.  I literally HAVE changed the way I do certain things just to fit in with more of the RP trends, and I ended up stopping doing a lot of them because they took too much time and they just suck the fun out of it for me.  Other folks, do it, go ahead, have fun.  But it really grinds my gears when I’m made to feel like I’m not as good at the whole RP thing because I don’t do extra formatting.  I should be judged on my writing and dangit, I think my writing is pretty good, apart from the spelling mistakes I make.

Even simple shit like, making new posts for asks- That’s a GREAT development, I love it but FUCK it makes me tired and sometimes I just don’t wanna do it but I KEEP doing it because literally everyone else does it.... AND THAT SUUUUUCKS like let me live please I already have a hard time writing please don’t pressure me into taking the time to make a complicated theme and making my posts more ~aesthetically pleasing~ when I’m just here to read!  I just wanna read!!!!!!!! :(((((((((((  

Anyway long story short, It only slightly bugs me when people format a ton, bc it’s inconvenient for me- but I can work with that bc I want other people to have fun.  It’s when MY fun is in jeopardy bc I don’t wanna put in the extra work, THAT’S when I get a bit!!! Miffed!!!  Phew.  Okay, moving on.

🔥 MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS until your mental health makes you do something that I don’t like then you’re just toxic and a bad person, OR it doesn;t matter bc you’re not popular.  Like.  Bruh.  BRUH.  I’m gonna expose myself a bit here and state that there have been times on my blogs where I am like.  Teetering on the edge of collapse, and I’m not only crying for help, I’m strapping a neon sign to my face saying “I NEED TO BE TALKED TO OR ELSE I WILL JUST NOT COME BACK” and literally???? Crickets.  

Like my feelings have been hurt so many times, by so many people in this rpc that I’m just floating on a sea of amicability waiting for people to cut me off from them bc I’m so desperate for attention or I’m so clingy but god forbid, if someone with a really popular blog pulls the same shit as me, it’s positivity city.  I could go on about how inbox positivity irks me, but I know that a lot of people really do enjoy getting it.  I just wish I didn’t always have to see it when I’m barely hanging on and begging for a little love but feeling like no one sees me or cares.  It’s like being really hungry and watching someone get fed by a bunch of other people.

I’M JEALOUS!  I AM A PERSON WHO GETS JEALOUS it’s a whole dang part of how my mental illness processes itself in my pea brain noggin!!!  Jealousy is an UGLY emotion and it makes you do SHITTY things.  I am VERY aware of this fact and I’m making efforts to call attention to my needs in a healthier way but dang dang dang is it hard to do that a lot of the time when you see other people getting away with literally the exact same behavior.  Like????????  Ugh.  UGH!  I’m tired. 

“Just leave the RPC bones” WHY DO I HAVE TO GO?  Why is it that the only way I can get anyone to even glance in my direction is to have my much more popular than me best friend call attention to my needs (love them very much btw) but seriously.  SERIOUSLY.  This RPC needs to reflect a bit on how they handle people with “the wrong” kind of mentally ill.  Not every adhd or depressed roleplayer is the same.  Stop.  Treating them.  Like.  They are.  And stop!  Ignoring!  The people who are hurting!  Jeez!  It’s more than just anxiety go brrr or depression go brrr for some people, this is like.  All we fucking have.  And losing it could be really bad for some people.

Anyway, I know this particular subject is really touchy and nuanced and whatever but I’ve been in enough RPCs to recognize when there’s a problem.

If you can’t take someone’s mental health, like if they are too much for you, TELL THEM there’s a pretty good chance they’re aware that they’re a lot to handle, and will either try to be better, or will accept your decision and move on.  Don’t maintain ‘friendships’ if you’re not actually going to maintain them, you’re just going to hurt someone when they think they can rely on you, but they really can’t.  You don’t owe that to anyone, but you shouldn’t dangle it in front of someone only to take it away when you don’t want to deal with the negative side effects of someone’s mental illnesses.  And LETS BE REAL IF YOU RP YOU PROBABLY HAVE SOME SHIT so I think we ALL could learn to be more empathetic.  Talk to people, if you can.  If you can’t??????  I hope you’re doing okay.

UGH.

Okay.  Alright, I got that out.  Those were two big ones that have been eating at me for literally months.

If you don’t like what I’m saying, please do nooooot bother trying to make me feel shitty about how I feel.  I already feel shitty for feeling this way!  These opinions are unpopular, I do not expect anyone to be on my very specific, very mean page.

[jos-corner-of-the-world]

Last House on the Left - {34}

{Thirty Three}{Master List}

Over the next few weeks, you and Shownu had hung out quite a bit. He'd taken you to the library he works at and even brought you lunch a couple days at work. 

You talked on the phone sporadically and text him about your day. 

It wasn't awkward anymore, but I didn't feel like dating yet either.  You didn't quite understand, so you took your concern to Mei.

"It feels like friendship." You told her when the two of you were at dinner one night.

"Is that bad?"

"No. He's fun to be around. But it feels weird almost. Like… There are things we should be doing but aren't."

"Like… sexual?" Mei asked.

"What? No! Like... other couple stuff. There's no hand holding or kissing, there's just…us. He did put his arm around the back of the couch the other night when we were watching a movie, but I don’t think it was intentional."

"Do you want him to make a move?" 

"I don't know. He's really nice, but I've not made a move either. I'm just worried about how he's feeling, but I'm too scared to ask."

"I get that. Beginnings can be hard. Would you consider him your boyfriend?"

"No. I consider him potentially a boyfriend, but not one yet. I mean, it could look to others like we are dating, but it's more like just hanging out. I'm not upset about it at all, just horribly confused. I don't think the feelings are there." You admitted.

"I think you should just ask him. Pretending the tension doesn't exist isn't okay." 

"Ugh, I know. Can you and Allen, like, not go back to China and just stay here. I can't do this without you." 

Mei laughed at your pain for a moment before answering.

"We're going to be gone for two weeks. We have to pack up and get everything to the shippers. Then I'll be here forever."

"But two weeks is forever Mei!"

"Sweetie, can I be honest for a second?"

"Well, last time you were honest you told me I had posts for legs. So...sure why not "

Mei laughed loudly before realizing her surroundings and lowered her voice.

"I think if you feel like you need me, your best friends mom, to walk you through a relationship… Maybe you're just not ready yet. And that's okay. I feel like you're trying to make something work that might not be meant to. I love you and I'm more than willing to listen to anything and everything that happens in your life, but it kills me to see this inner struggle you seem to be dealing with. I can talk with you about all of it, but inevitably the decision is between you and Shownu."

You sat quietly for a moment, digesting Mei's words.

"I hope I haven't offended you dear."

"Oh God, no. Not at all. I'm just processing it all. I just feel like if I broach it with him, it'll be horribly awkward. I'm scared to be honest. My last boyfriend, as I mentioned, was straight up not a good dude-"

"I think we settled with bastard, but go on."

"Right" you laughed. "And I feel like the next person who dates me is going to realize how lacking I am as a person. I doubt things and I get self conscious. Jisung has put a lot into my head about who I am as a person, and I fear that's going to negatively affect me in a relationship.  I feel like no one is going to want to be there for my highs and lows, because of how extreme they are. I push things away and pretend they don't exist until I have to deal with them or I'll break down completely. The worse I'm feeling, the more annoyingly fine I become. There's no man on the planet who wants to deal with that. I don't even want to deal with that. Shownu is such a nice guy, he doesn't deserve to have a mess for a girlfriend."

You had been staring at your plate through your whole monologue, afraid of what you'd see on Mei's face.

"Y/n, look at me." Mei said kindly.

You took a deep breath before putting your head up.

"First of all, you're an amazing person. Everyone has struggles and deals with them in different ways. All those things you describe make you who you are, and I love you for it. Also, if a man isn't willing to help you through your troubles, he's not worth it. You should know your worth and not let a man, or anyone, make you feel differently. Lastly, that's a lot of decisions you're making for Shownu, for any future partner. How do you know he wouldn't be there for you? How do you know he won't fight for you when you're fighting against yourself? I know you're scared, but you shouldn't make that decision for him. Talk to him, get to know each other and let him decide if he's going to be with you. But just remember, even if Shownu did learn all these things and decided he didn't want to be with you, that's okay. You'll find someone who knows you, knows your struggles and wants to be there for you. Someone who wants to anchor you and hold you when you're falling apart and laugh with you when you're happy. Just make sure to give yourself a chance."

-----

Two days later found you saying your goodbyes to Mei and Allen.

"It'll only be two weeks. Remember what we talked about? There's no time like now." Mei said as she hugged you goodbye.

"Thank you." You said as you pulled away.

"Alright. Don't burn the house down while we're gone."

"We've managed just fine this long, ma." Minghao laughed.

"Alright. We'll see you guys in a couple weeks. Call me if you need anything, anything at all." Mei said, directed more towards you.

"I will. Thank you. Love you Mei." 

Minghao turned towards you quickly, surprised to hear the words tumble from your mouth.

"Love you too sweetie. Just remember, you're worth the moon and the stars."

"Um...hello? Your son here? I love you too?"

"Yeah, yeah. Love you Ming Ming." Mei said, laughing at Minghao's irritated face.

---

You were sitting at the kitchen table an hour after Mei left, putting together color packets, when Minghao wandered into the kitchen.

"Got plans tonight?" Minghao asked you.

"Just color packets for the littles for Monday." You told him, looking up at him.

"Want to hang out tonight? I feel like I haven't seen you in forever." 

"Definitely. I could use a break from...everything." you told him honestly.

"Does this have anything to do with my mom telling you that you're worth the moon and the stars?" He asked, taking a seat in the hair across from you.

"Yeah. She's been helping me with some stuff. My mind is kind of all over the place and she's helping me keep centered."

"Can I help you with anything?" Minghao asked.

"Honestly, no. It's not that I don't trust you or want to share my burdens with you, it's just...this is different. I appreciate it though, I really do."

"I know you do Y/n. I can admit defeat when I see it."

"Defeat? What are you talking about?" You asked, scared that you'd made him mad.

"I've been replaced. I no longer hold worlds greatest best friend status. It's a sad day."

"What? Minghao no, I could never replace you. You're literally the only thing keeping me sane most days. Please don't feel like I've replaced you for anyone else."

"Whoa, hey calm down. I was joking. I was talking about my mom and how close you guys seem to be."

"Jesus Christ Minghao! Don't scare me like that. I thought you were really mad at me!" You whined, reaching across the table to slap his hand.

"I mean, I kind of am serious. I knew you and ma were close because of the dinner dates and late night conversations, but I was really surprised today when you told her you loved her."

"I'm sorry, is that awkward for you?"

"Not at all. I knew you guys would be close when you met. I've spent a lot of time over these last seven months telling mom about you and our life here. She declared you the daughter she always wanted. I'm really happy you guys have connected so strongly. I was never worried she wouldn't like you, but I sometimes worried how you'd perceive her."

"Why? She's literally the most amazing person and mother ever." You told him.

"I know, but you and I are different. She spent so many years mothering me by being blunt and never backing down from a hard conversation. She tells her opinion, whether you want to know or not. Sometimes…sometimes it's what you need, but you don't want to hear. I didn't want her to push you away."

"Honestly, if I'd have met her six months ago, she may have. But the honest conversations I've had with you and Jooheon, hell even Wonwoo, have shown me that I don't need to shy away from the hard things. We had a very candid conversation at dinner the other night about myself and it reminded me a lot of our conversation the morning after Halloween. And what jooheon said about sharing struggles. I've spent the last two days thinking about a lot of things, and I realized that I don't need to hide it anymore. Those struggles and how I deal with them are what make me innately myself. And there's always room for improvement."

Minghao didn't know what to say, so he just smiled at you, happy with the turn of the conversation.

"So." He said after a long moment. "Chicken and beer? Veg out and watch some Gilmore Girls?"

"Yes to chicken and beer, no to Gilmore Girls "

"What? No Gilmore Girls?  Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, dipshit. Mingyu will kill me if I start season four without him."

"Ugh, fine. How about chicken, beer and John Wick?"

"Oh hell yeah! You order the food and I'll clean up."

"Just leave it, we can finish it later."

{Thirty Five}

[myhockeyworld87]

Nervous Regrets - Tyler Seguin - Part 9

Word Count: 4708

POV: Reader

Warning: Hmmm I may have not used a curse word, but I can’t be sure...haha!

Notes: Sorry this took so long to post. I was hoping to get more writing done this weekend, but it didn’t happen. Then the internet was down most of today because of a storm. At any rate, here’s part 9, the one where you tell your parents. Enjoy!

The trip down to your parent’s was completely uneventful; Tyler and you chatted about nothing of consequence for most of the ride. A sense of déjà vu hit you, this was your little ritual at times with Tyler; chatting essentially about nothing when he was on the road until he would have to get ready for the game. It was fairly easy to fall back into old habits with him; though you prayed some habits would be broken.

 Turning onto the street where you grew up, your stomach got queasy; however it had nothing to do with the baby. An overwhelming sense of dread hit you that you were finally going to have to tell your parents everything that had happened in the last few weeks; well, not everything, some things were better left unsaid. They could be demanding at times, more so your mom than your dad. It seemed as though she always sought perfection in each of her children; that she couldn’t see that your imperfections were what made you unique, was a struggle in your relationship. You were sure that she’d see your reconnection with Tyler as one of the biggest mistakes of your life; praying, you hoped she wouldn’t see the baby that way as well.

 Pulling into the drive you took a deep breath and gathered your courage. Grabbing your bag, striding through the front door, you said, “Hello, it’s your favorite daughter.” Technically you were their only daughter; so by default you were their favorite. Rushing from the kitchen, they came out to greet with hugs.

“You made great time,” this from your dad as he led the way back to the kitchen. “We’ve got your favorites in the oven for dinner.”

 “It smells delicious.”

 Busying herself cleaning up dishes that were dirty from food prep, your mom added, “You’re looking more yourself this time. Things must be going well with Robert.”

 Leave it to mom, to just get right down to the nitty gritty; if she only knew the real Robert. “We’re not seeing each other anymore.”

 “Really? I thought he was so nice, and from such a good family. Didn’t you two go out last weekend?”

 Questions never ended with her, and it seemed as though she remembered every insignificant detail that you’d ever told. “It just wasn’t meant to be mom.”

 “Can’t you see she doesn’t want to talk about it.”

 “Thanks dad. So how have things been here? The big bad world of investment banking treating you well dad?” He always thought daddy’s little girl could do no wrong; hopefully he’d still be thinking that in a few hours.

 “Works been great. We just won another trip.”

 “Excellent, where are you off to now?” The investment banking business had been good to your family; affording them many luxuries in life. A nice home, financial stability and adventurous vacations were just some of the benefits your family had received from your dad’s hard work.

 “Your father is in his glory with this trip, they’re sending us on an Alaskan cruise.”

 “Oh wow, that sounds amazing. Are you going to go fishing up there?” It was one of the interest both he and Tyler shared; they would spend endless hours chatting about what flies and lures to use. It all seemed a little mundane to you.

 “I’m hoping to. There’s a couple guys on the trip that want to take a float plane in and do some fly fishing.”

 “Oh, Ty….” Shit you were almost going to say Tyler would love that but quickly you caught yourself. Coughing hoping to cover up the slip; you went and grabbed a water out of the fridge. “Sorry, throat’s a little dry from the drive, but that sounds amazing.” The timer went off on the stove; you were literally saved by the bell from having to answer anything more.

 Dinner went well, you caught them up on what was going on with work, and things that were happening with your friends; that you kept leaving out the most important information, wasn’t by accident. There was never going to be a right time. So as you loaded the last of the plates into the dishwasher; you decided there was no time like the present. Sitting back down at the table, feeling your heart beat fast, you started. “So, I’ve kind of have some big news to tell you.” Preparing both you and them; you paused briefly. “It’s kind of complicated…and well….I didn’t expect it at all.” Ugh you were no good at this, maybe you should start again. “Anyhow, I ran into Tyler; and we’ve been talking. We’re getting back together.”

 “OH (Y/N), you’ve got to be kidding me.” There was disapproval dripping from your mother’s voice. “After everything that he did, how can you even contemplate taking him back.” Your dad remained silent.

 “Well there’s actually more.”  It was kind of like ripping off a bandage, you were either the type of person to take it off nice and slow, or one that ripped it off all at once; all at once was your choice at the moment. “So I’m pregnant, and before you ask its Tyler’s. And yes, it’s part of the reason we are getting back together, but it’s not the whole reason. I love him. I never stopped loving him and I just want the best for all of us. And he’s really trying, I think this time things will be different.”

 “Don’t you know once a cheater, always a cheater?” Your mother would focus on that as the most important part of anything you’d just said.

 “People can change mom. Is that how you feel about Sean? Because I believe he was the one who cheated on Kristen. Are you saying that he’ll do it on Jessica as well?” It wasn’t right throwing your brother under the bus when he wasn’t even here to defend himself; however, his first marriage had ended because he’d cheated on his ex-wife. That it was with his current wife shouldn’t matter.

 “You know that’s different.”

 “Is it? I don’t think so mom. It’s only different because Sean is your son. But look he’s been married to Jessica now for five years and things are great with them. I don’t think he’d ever cheat on her. But even if he did, if they love each other can’t they both find a way to work through it.”

 “She does have a point.” This from your dad as he watched the exchange between you too. “But I think you’re missing the point here dear. Our daughter just told us she’s having a baby.” He grabbed your hand then and gave it a gentle squeeze; tears started to well in your eyes. Inhaling deeply you closed your eyes willing them not to slip out; the last thing you needed to show your parents now was weakness.

 “You’re making a horrible mistake.”

 It was all you let your mother say, “My child is not a mistake mother. I will never look at him or her like that. I love Tyler and I love our baby. So please do not say that again.”

 “I meant you taking Tyler back is a mistake, not the…” She waved her hands motioning to your belly, as if the word baby had too many syllables in it and she couldn’t get them out. You knew this wouldn’t be easy, but you didn’t expect her to be so negative about your pregnancy.

 Growing up you’d constantly butted heads with your mother; in the last few years you’d thought that rift had mended. Though right now it was as if foreshocks were coming across a fault line; preparing you for an earthquake bigger than any that had happened before. “It’s a baby mom, you can say the word.”

 “Yes I know what it is. I just don’t feel that you are going about this the right way.”

 “And what’s the right way? Don’t you think I would’ve loved to have been married before I was pregnant? Because I would, but sometimes things don’t go the way we envision it.” A tear slid down your cheek, angrily you wiped it away; hating the way you always cried even when you were frustrated.

 “Is this why you broke up with Robert?”

 That was it, you snapped. “Fuck, Robert mom. He’s nothing but a self-absorbed child that forces himself on people when he doesn’t get what he wants. He has absolutely nothing to do with this. This is about my baby, the one I’m having with Tyler. If you can’t get that through your head, then that’s your problem.” Shoving yourself out of the chair you stood up, anger emanating off of you. “I knew this would be hard for you, but you’ve either got to learn to accept that Tyler is in my life or I don’t need to be in yours. Do you understand me?” Silence ensued, neither one of your parents saying a word. Shaking from the encounter; this was the first time you’d been this forceful with your parents. “I need some air.” Grabbing your purse, you headed out the door straight to your car.

 Pulling out of the driveway, you tried to calm your nerves. In your teenage years, after certain rows with your mom; you’d often just go for a drive. Coming back things always looked clearer; you weren’t so sure this time. Aimlessly you drove around, no real destination in mind; until you found yourself parked in front of your brother Matt’s home. Matt was always the voice of reason growing up; he’d put out more fires between you and your mom than you could recall. You’d often joke that he was her favorite; even though he was the middle child. His front door opened, long strides had him standing by your car in no time.

 “Hey brat, are you going to sit in the car all night or are you coming in?”

 “Are my favorite kiddos in the world here?” Matt had two little ones, a girl and a boy, Rylynn and Reese; they were by far one of the best reasons for coming home.

 “Nah, Melissa took them to get ice cream. She thought maybe we’d need some time to talk.” Giving him a quizzical side eye; he answered you before you could even give voice to your thoughts. “Dad text me, and said you and mom had it out.”

 “Did he say anything else?”

 “Nope, I was hoping you’d fill me in.” Getting out of the car, you followed him into the house. Strewn across the floor were dozen of toys, but instead of looking unkempt; it looked homey and inviting. Your mind conjured a time when your home with Tyler would look the same, only with three dogs milling around as well.

 Sitting at the kitchen island, you sighed heavily. “Where do I start?”

 “How about the beginning?”

 “Well….Tyler and I are back together.” Matt, god bless him, didn’t say anything; just raised his eyes slightly. “I know. We’re working things out. Not gonna lie, I don’t trust him one hundred percent, yet. That’s going to take time, but I love him Matt. I’ve always loved him.”

 When you didn’t say anything more, he added, “So mom’s pissed about that huh?”

 “Wait…there’s more.” Eyebrows going up further this time, “I’m pregnant.”

 “Oh…wow…ok.” He took a moment, regathering himself. “Congratulations little sis. You’re going to be a great mom.” The dam let loose, a flood of tears just coming out of your eyes; Matt came over grabbing you in a hug, as you sobbed. This is what you needed, that one person that believed in you; had faith that you were making the right decision.

 Getting your emotions under control, you pulled back; looking up at your brother, you hiccupped out a “Thank you.” Why couldn’t your parents be like this; well correction really your mom. Your dad really didn’t get a chance to voice his opinion.

 “Look sis, I’m gonna give it to you straight ok?” If there was one thing about your brother, it was that he never pulled any punches; but sometimes it was better to just take your medicine without sugar coating it. “Mom’s always been tougher on you. I have a few guesses as to why, but that’s for another conversation. Essentially, she only wants the best for you, for all of us really. I don’t think you know how hard it was for her to watch you go through the shit you went through with Tyler. Look at it from her point of view once; you’re going to be a mom now. What if your baby is a little girl and her boyfriend cheated on her; now take it one step further and watch her go through it in a public scandal. How would you feel?” He paused letting his words sink into your brain. “I know how I’d feel if it was Rylynn. It would be really hard to hear that she’s getting back together with him; and having his baby. You need to give her time; she’ll come around.”

 Why did your brother always have to make so much sense; he seemed to have a way of putting things so that you could see it from your mother’s side. You’d only known you were pregnant for four weeks now, and you already loved your child so much, that you would do anything for him or her; now multiply that love by twenty some years. Going through your own heart ache is one thing; watching someone you love go through it, and not be able to help, that pain would be gut wrenching. “I see your point. Maybe I’m being a tad unreasonable. It’s just…”

 Cutting you off, before you could say anything more; “I know you love him, and you’re right; mom can be irrational about these things. Ultimately, it’s your life (Y/N), and she has to let you live it; and she will. But like all of us, she’s going to be leery of him for a while. I’m telling you right now, if he does something stupid again; I’ll beat the fucking shit out of him.”

 Smiling at that, you knew your brother would defend you within an inch of his own life. Truth was he could whip Tyler’s ass with one had tied behind his back. Matt had been a state champion wrestler in high school, as well as running back for the football team; he’d maintained that physical robustness even years after graduating. While he’d never been one to go looking for a fight; he could hold his own with some of the best.  “I’m banking on you not having to go that far, but thanks for the offer. Thanks for everything, you always know just what to say.”

 “I’ve got your back sis, not matter what; even if it comes down between you and mom on this one. Which it won’t. Now please tell me how all this went down, to my knowledge you haven’t seen Tyler, for what three months?” When you nodded your head, he continued. “So, you’re what thirteen or fourteen weeks pregnant? Have you known that long and seriously not said something to your favorite brother?”

 Spending the next thirty minutes, you filled Matt in on everything that went down. That was until four little feet came running through the door; both yelling for your attention, which you happily gave them. At ages three and five they were full of energy but also full of love. The three of you played with all the toys in the family room for the next hour; while Matt, you assumed, filled Melissa in on everything. Helping Melissa with their bath time ritual, you thought about bathing your own little one soon. The three of you then snuggled into the couch and watched the Stars play for a bit before bedtime. In no time the two of them were asleep; you always had that light tickle touch and would rub their little backs, putting them right to sleep. Matt carried them upstairs as you finished watching the game; the Stars falling to the Blues. Tyler had played well but you knew he’d beat himself up about the loss.

 Matt came back downstairs then, “I put the kids in Reese’s room, so you can have Rylynn’s bed. I also took the liberty of texting dad and telling him you’ll be back over in the morning.” He really was the sweetest brother in the whole world.

 “Thanks, but all my stuff is at their house.”

 “It’s one night, you can just borrow something of mine to sleep in.” This from Melissa as she was picking up the stray toys on the floor; getting up you helped her. “So now that the kiddos are asleep, tell me how you’re feeling? Is the nausea gone? Because it seemed like mine lasted the whole pregnancy.”

 “I’ve been pretty good lately. The PA we saw this week, wants me to gain more weight, which I’m trying.”

 “Oh, don’t worry about that. It seemed like I ballooned out and wasn’t even trying. It’ll happen. Are you going to find out if you’re having a boy or a girl?”

 “Well as you know we (Y/LN)’s like surprises in life. So nope, we aren’t finding out.”

 “See I told you Melissa, you can’t ruin the only one true surprise of life.”

 “Ugh…I really wanted to know, and this one right here wasn’t having any of it. I think I heard that no true surprise in life thing, until I was going to puke; which sometimes I did.” Laughing she went over to Matt. “But honestly it was the best moment, when the doctor’s like you have a little boy or girl, since we got both.” Matt and Melissa were amazing parents; you could only hope you and Tyler would be just as good. “Come up and I’ll give you some clothes to sleep in and stuff. I’m sure you’re exhausted from the day.”

 “Yeah I kind of am, but I’m trying to stay awake to talk to Tyler for a bit.”

 Walking into Matt and Melissa’s bedroom, she asked, “So how is that going? Are you happy?”

 “I am and I think Tyler has really changed. I know he loves me and the baby. I think we can make this work. I just hope that eventually everyone will accept him again.” Even after your conversation with Matt, you still had doubts in the back of your head about your mom coming to grips with the whole situation.

 “Everything will be fine, you’ll see. Especially after that little one is born. You know, you can call me with any questions about being pregnant or babies. I know I asked my sister a ton of questions when I was pregnant.”

 You’re brother had the best wife ever; Melissa was sweet, kind and an excellent mom. “Thanks, I’m sure I’ll be taking you up on that.” Handing you some pajamas, you made your way to the bathroom to change; then said a quick good night to Matt and Melissa. Putting your phone on vibrate, you laid in bed waiting for Tyler to call. The walls were covered in a light shade of pink; Disney princesses scattered here and there. It was perfect for a little girl; and had you dreaming of what you wanted to do your baby’s room in.

 The phone buzzed then, “Hey you, sorry about the game, thought you guys were going to pull it out there in the end.”

 “Yeah, it wasn’t one of our best, that’s for sure.” Tyler’s voice carried a hint of disappointment; that seemed to melt away with his next comment. “How are my babies doing?”

 “We’re good. Just fighting off sleep so I can talk to you.”

 “So how’d it go today with telling your parents?”

 “You don’t want to know. Let’s just say, I’m staying at Matt’s tonight.”

 “That bad huh?”

 Your mind drifted back to your argument with your mom; you debated on how much to tell Tyler. “Well there was no congratulations going around that was for sure. I didn’t think it would be easy, but I didn’t expect it this bad either. Though Matt has been a god send. I’m going to go over tomorrow, with a new perspective; and hopefully things will be better.”

 “Look (Y/N), I know I’ve got a lot of repair work to do with your family; probably more than I do with you. But I’m going to show them, that they couldn’t ask for a better man for their daughter and sister, than me. They’ll come around in time I’m sure.”

 “I know you’ll do everything you can Ty, but you’re right it will take a little time. But we’ve got that.” Hopefully you could mend some of the rift tomorrow; which would help shave off some of that time.

 “Have you been eating?”

 Ever your personal trainer in baby weight gain, Tyler would ask that question. “Of course I did. Plus the kids brought me ice cream.”

 “How are those two munchkins?”

 “They’re great. They were excited to see you play. Reese even wore his Stars pajamas to bed tonight. I know they’re excited to see you.” Their sweet innocence had protected them against all the negative criticism directed towards their Uncle Ty, as they referred to him; they still loved and missed him being around.

 “Awww that’s sweet, I can’t wait to see them.” He yawned, which in turned made you do the same; both of you exhausted from the day. “You know I could talk to you all night, but I should probably let you get some sleep.”

 “Yeah, I think we’re both pretty tired. Call me tomorrow when you land?”

 “Of course babe. Get some rest and good luck tomorrow. I love you.”

 “I love you too. Sleep well.”

 With that you hung up the phone and drifted off into a dreamless sleep; not waking up until streams of light came streaking through the window. Rolling over checking your phone for the time, you found that it was just shy of eight. Willing yourself to have a positive attitude for the day; you got up. Voices floated upstairs; you knew the kids were up. It was one in particular that caught your attention; distinctly you recognized the laugh as your mom’s. Well there was no time like the present; so, you glided down the stairs making your presence known.

 “Morning,” you greeted the group.

 Two little forms came hurling at you, “Aunt (Y/N) you’re awake, yay!!” Embracing them in a big group hug, you kissed them both on the head; drawing strength from their exuberance.

 Slowly you made your way over to your mom, who remained at the kitchen table as you drew near. “Alright kiddos, time to get ready for school.” Melissa ushered the kids upstairs quickly, giving you some privacy; Matt trailing after her, mouthing the words, good luck.

 Deciding to break the ice first, you said, “Hi mom.” Awkwardly you sat down next to her. “Look I’m really….” She halted anything else you were going to say by putting her hand up.

 “Please don’t say anything else. Look I thought a lot about our conversation yesterday, and I’m sorry. I didn’t handle myself or the situation very well.” Blinking, had your mother actually apologized; it had to be the first time that ever happened. “You’re a grown woman now, and I sometimes forget that; because you’re always going to be my baby girl. I just love you so much and only want the best for you and if that includes Tyler; then I am one hundred percent behind you.” There were tears welling in both of your eyes. “I just can’t believe my baby is going to have a baby. I’m so happy for you sweetie, I really am.”

 With that she stood up and just enveloped you in her arms; both of you crying happy tears. “Thanks mom, I’m so sorry about yesterday too.”

 “Shhh. I don’t want to hear anything about that; we’re just going to put it all behind us.” Holding you at her arm’s length, she continued; “Now, tell me everything. Well wait let’s go grab breakfast somewhere; I know your brother has to get off to work and such.” Gathering your stuff you headed out with your mom to fill her in.

 The next twenty-four hours were like a whirlwind. During the day you and your mom gallivanted throughout town; stopping for pedicures and manicures and just doing mother daughter things. You spoke to Tyler for a spell as well; then the family headed out for dinner. On Saturday, your brother Sean and his wife, Jessica, headed up from Houston for a family get together. The day was full of joy and laughter, as you chased the kids around the lawn and reminisced with your family about all the memorable times you’d had; as well as the new ones that you were going to make.

 Busying yourself in the kitchen, since your dad had requested one of your famous homemade cakes; you hunted around for an extra bag of flour. “Mom, I can’t seem to find the flour. Did you move it or something?”

 “Damn, I think I forgot to buy that the last time I was at the store.”

 “That’s why you always take a list dear.” This from your dad, as he stole a piece of fruit from the bowl you’d been cutting up.

 Playfully you smacked your dad’s hand, scolding him; “You know I won’t have enough for the cake if you keep eating it. I’ll just run to the store and go get some.”

 “I’ll come with you.” Your brother Sean piped in; not having a chance to really get a one on one conversation with you since he’d learned about everything. “But I’m driving, you’re a horrible driver, sis.”

 “Oh really? I’m not the one with three speeding tickets, mister lead foot.”

 Taking his hand he clamped it over your mouth, “Shhh, mom doesn’t know about those.”

 Whispering low, “Seriously, you’re afraid to tell mom about that.”

 “What can I say?” Giving him a sympathetic look; for you knew exactly where he was coming from. “Toss me your keys, your cars at the end of the driveway.” Getting in the car, the two of you headed to the store. “So, how are you doing, I mean with everything? It’s got to be a lot.”

 “Yeah, it is; but I’m really happy. Tyler’s been pretty great about everything.” He glanced at you questioningly. “I know, it’s kind of hard to believe; but he’s really trying. I didn’t say anything to anyone yet, but he bought us a new house. He told me yesterday that the seller’s accepted our bid.”

 “Woah, that’s big; so obviously you’ve moved back in with him.” “Not yet, but once the papers are finalized; I’ll move into the new house with him.” The excitement in Tyler’s voice yesterday, was contagious; and had you just as thrilled to move into your new home together. “I’m looking at it as a fresh start for us.”

 “That’s great sis. I’m happy for you.” The light was red, turning over to look at you, he become all serious. “I can’t believe you’re going to be a mom. You know you’re always going to be my pesky little sister though; who I’d do anything for. So if you ever need anything, anything at all I’m here. All you have to do is say the word.”

 Pregnancy hormones really sucked; you seemed to be a weepy mess all the time. Looking over at your brother, eyes shining with tears; you loved your family so much that sometimes it just couldn’t be put into words. The light changed then and you proceeded through the intersection. That’s when you saw it; a car barreling towards you. “Sean look out!” It was the last thing you said; hands went instinctively around your mid-section to protect the baby from the impact. Please God let us all be ok; it was the last thing you thought, as your head smacked the passenger window and everything went completely black.

Side Note: Please don’t threaten to punch me in the face like one of my best friend’s did after reading this...hahah! Peace, love and hugs y’all!!!!

[stxrlightmuses]

welp. i’m a bundle of sads today.

i’m at a point in life where i’m trying to be a person. like, who the heck am i even because there’s never been a point where i could see the potential of a person in me until recently.

i decided returning to the db fandom rpc could be good, since i had a lot of good memories there from years ago. and different time, different platform, different people applies but isn’t that also just exciting? it should be. for the most part it is. i don’t really regret engaging with people, i don’t regret putting out the energy that i could use myself. i want people to be happy and supported and even if things go an unexpected way, the experience still is helpful for me to use to understand things. about myself, about other people, etc. putting myself out there is scary af but i want it to be worth it in every regard.

in my short time being in the db fandom on tumblr here, i’ve seen a bunch of people come and go in an even shorter amount of time. that mostly seems to be from inactivity of the fandom (which i’m guessing is cause rpers are sick of tumblrs shit?). there’s no blame or shade there, i’m in total support if people aren’t vibing with stuff cause of inactivity or the other reasons. dude, i’m totally familiar with that after almost two decades of rping on different platoforms!! i’ve spoken with a good few of these people (and it’s insightful every time but also FEELS) and it’s just sad that the potential of ooc bonding is abruptly cut when the kind words were there just before gave me little indication that would happen.

i guess i’m just dealing with being tired of potential today (potential new friends, potential rps, potential chats, etc). tomorrow will be different but that’s then and i’m stuck with these feels now. i know this is stemming from abandonment problems i have from past losses out of my control. which sucks but the awareness is good and helpful. the last thing i want is to vent about this sorta thing and give the impression i’m upset that people aren’t like... having fun? or something equally ridiculous? or that i’m throwing shade at any one person? when it’s really just an overall shitty situation that is triggering an abandonment issue from old wounds that i’m still coping with today. idk. i try to engage with people but i also rarely post personal shit and i’m trying to fix that and be open in new ways. all this text is really just to say i’m having a bad day. and i’m currently feeling like it has been at my own expense and that’s both valid and not - because i’m allowed to be sad by these things but it’s both out of my control and people are also valid in making their own choices. so the bad day gets the addition of having to be emotionally sorted where i have to acknowledge what’s valid and accept the rest. and we all know when you’re sad af the last thing you wanna do is just anything, haha.

i also want to like... not at all take away from the fact that i wish those people well in life. it sucks to deal with negativity whether it’s from other people or yourself. and i’m just dealing with negativity from my asshole brain because of outside circumstances is what it comes down to. which is really the same place other people are in. so really, we’re all the same kinda sads with just different outcomes as to how it has affected us/what it means to us. (i also can’t like... ever vent about a thing without acknowledging the other side of things because i don’t feel like i’m allowed to feel things but that’s a whole other issue and why this is so fucking long)

idk. i’m gonna be lurking and maybe try working on things if i can bully my sads into a reasonable place. ughs.

[tarithenurse]

Agent of Hope - 19

Your world falls into ruin together with the Strategic Homeland Intervention Enforcements Logistics Division when you find out that your boyfriend isn’t one of the good guys. Pairing: Brock Rumlow x fem!reader, Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader Contents: Hmmm...weapons, fluff, dealing with trauma, mention of rape, masturbation, violent reaction, difficult choices, more fluff, and kissing. A/N: Thanks to all of you who like and especially reblog <3 On a second note: been looking for houses (need to move out of my parents’ place with my husband bc omfc).  Also that GIF just is epic.

19 - An offer you can’t refuse

…   Romanoff   …

The tinny jingle from the Goldfish commercials doesn’t cause hesitation to the hands moving rapidly to find and connect the right parts needed in the task of assembling three different guns. Only when the last weapon is locked (and loaded) does Natasha spin the cell phone on the table with a frown. Unknown caller, but the small dots in the corner indicate that Jarvis is tracking down the number already and will have an answer in three…two…one…ugh! Langley.

“Afternoon.” The tone is flat enough to show the lack of enthusiasm without being downright rude. “What more does Langley want post-hearings?”

She can almost hear the crooked smile. “Hrph…I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, miss Romanova.” The twist to the last name sends shivers down the former Russian’s spine but the familiar voice continues. “I’m agent Ross…we met during the hearings…?”

The silence is allowed to reign in an attempt to get the man to talk, maybe say too much. Meanwhile, Natasha brings the Glock 26 behind the back and starts to dismantle it, counting the seconds it takes before every piece of metal is spread out on the couch cushion behind her, careful not to lose the pins or the little spring for the trigger.

“Miss uhm…miss Romanova? You there?”

Nervous. Not enough. “…yeah.”

“Good! Good. Yes…” Some paper rustles through the line. “Right…I know the hearings’ve been long and prob’ly bothersome,” agent Ross hesitates to allow for some comment but gets none, “s’I can completely understand and respect if y’aren’t interested, however…I believe that you may ‘ave information that could be of benefit to u- to the Agency, I mean, in terms of filling some gaps. Erm I think…what I’m trying to say’s would it be possible for you to – off record – have a look at our older intel?”

Wait…waaiit…one more second. An intake of breath is Natasha’s cue. “You want me to shed light on old cases that’ve gone sideways?”

“Well –“

“You think either SHIELD, Hydra, or maybe my former handlers could’ve botched it for you guys?” By now the short agent’s sputtering in embarrassment, maybe hoping for the weak protests to soothe any slights the insinuation could have caused. “Send me a top ten and I’ll see what I can do.”

“Really?!”

Yeah, why would I? Simply put, Natasha hates being out of the loop, and the spy in her is aching for the chance of (legally) getting hold of CIA intel. More than that, though, she’s learned the hard way how precious the currency known as “favours” are. Owe someone something? They’ll have a hook in you forever. Someone owes you? It can be the difference between life and death. An IOU from a CIA agent…that could be handy.

“No promises I can actually tell you more than y’know already.”

Movement behind her makes the Avenger turn her head, a smile already curving her lips at the presence of [Y/N] who eyes the weapons (and parts) cautiously.

“Oh, no! That’s okay, no worries!” An idiot might refuse the tentative offer and Ross is far from that. “I’ll compile the files and get them to…you…uhm…”

“I’ll text you an address.” A slightly oil-greased finger hovers over the phone already. “Bye, agent Everett Ross.”

…   Rumlow   …

The fly circles the room a few times before finally settling on the person in the corner, climbing across brown-stained jeans in short sprints before reaching the lax hand and taking off again. Next time the insect lands it’s by the dried spatter on the wall where the bullet had made a small crater when it exited the skull of…who was that? A glance at the pens and the old-fashioned glasses makes Brock guess at some dusty field of expertise like history or literature. Whatever it had been, the man had decided it was better to risk it all and go looking for Hydra on nothing but a rumour.

“Don’t mind zat,” Strucker dismisses the sight easily, “ze interesting zing is zis.” Careful not to touch, he points at the darkened veins and (with the help of a metal rod) the unnaturally blue eyes. “Ze experiment was quite a success, my friend. We are able to channel ze power of ze weapon into humans.”

“They all end up like this so far?” The eyelid hasn’t lowered again, so the endless glow of space is staring blindly at Brock no matter where he moves. “A bullet in the brain? Why did he get that?”

Chuckling softly, Strucker wipes the little stick in a handkerchief which he folds before depositing both in a pocket. “Zis man gained immense strengz but lacked control.” Oh. “Perhaps zere is a stronger connection between the state of mind and ze results zan we anticipated. We are now looking for actual volunteers.”

…

Fuck. However Loki did it remains a mystery still, but Brock won’t give up the hope that it will be possible to figure out how to control another person with the staff. Damnit, he’d seen the bit of salvaged footage and read the debriefs portraying the events when the Asgardian came to Earth and brainwashed top agents in no time.

The results of Strucker’s and his team’s work is vital both for the promotion of Hydra’s scheme…and to get anything useful from [Y/N] when she will get back again. I’ll be damned if it kills her. Brock’s all too aware that his craving for the ex-girlfriend wouldn’t be condoned if anyone knew – to be fair, he doesn’t quite like it himself because it makes him feel like he isn’t in control of his own damn mind. Every dream is either about missions and kills, sending adrenalin pumping through his veins, or they feature every detail of [Y/N].

The little smile when she was lost in thought. Her spine curving to jut the breasts upwards, skin subtle under Brock’s hands. Remembering the teasing hitches in her breath on a sunny morning, light filtering through the windows to catch in her hair as they made their bed creak together a lifetime ago.

“Godfuckingdamnit!”

Already, an erection is pressing painfully hard against tac-pants and Brock shoves a fist down to reposition the stubborn cock only for a new memory to appear the moment his fingers close around the shaft. Shea-butter mixed with sweat on pebbled nipples…perfect taste. There’s not much room to move the hand, but at least the pants are easily opened allowing for longer strokes.

The speed accelerates with each recollection, fist tightening and twisting while the echoes of [Y/N]’s moans are replaced by cries tearing from her throat when he took her with force. Fuck, it was so good, the man admits to himself, the struggle…oh yeah…the…the control. Breathing laboured, Brock has to lean against the wall, unable to stagger the last few steps over to his cot. She’d begged and pleaded, and he had been the one to grant her peace…or not.

He grunts as he comes. White stickiness spurting between his fingers, adding to the blurry haze from the inability to focus on anything else than the rush thrumming through the veins. It’ll be a short reprieve before the need returns like an endless hunger that nothing can sate. One thing can. But [Y/N] isn’t here, she’s tugged away somewhere with the fucking Avengers and that makes it all a million times worse because to think that Romanoff or maybe even Steve get to be close to her. Get to touch her, smell her.

It stings pleasantly when the hand connects with the drywalling and the structure behind it, thin strings of cum hanging from the torn plaster. At least that clears Brock’s mind a bit.

…   Reader   …

Lying awake all night, it’s almost a relief to sense the grey dimness take over the room and allow the outlines of furniture to stand out – not even Natasha’s steady breathing has been able to calm your mind after the hours of training spent to tire out your body at least. Why this time?! You’ve spent more than enough nights trying to escape nightmarish memories and negative thoughts but this…this issue is different and you’re happy with the decision you’ve made. I should just tell her.

It’s almost possible to make out the contours of Tasha against the white pillow, darker hair spreading like a halo of smoke. You know she sleeps lightly. Brushing your lips featherlight across her cheek, and she already turns to find your mouth with her own. Sweet and lazy kisses, a single tug to your bottom lip. Morning breath is a non-issue when she invites you into a bubble of gentle safety. Home.

“Morning, babe.” Her fingers tease the shortest hairs in your neck. “You’ve managed to sleep at all?”

There’s no reason to answer, just plant a peck on her nose. “I’ve made up my mind,” you offer as consolation, “and I hope you’ll understand why it’s important to me.”

The love never disappears from the touch while she sits up against the headboard. If it was light enough, you think you might see cautious interest mingled with concern in her eyes because Tasha isn’t as good as hiding it as she thinks she is. That’s a secret though.

“Okay…” She drags you onto her lap, straddling her so the strong arms can wrap around your waist. “Is it about the call from Ross?”

The scent of shampoo still clings to her hair as you bury your face in it, happy to talk into the red mess. “Yes, but mainly it’s about wanting to do what I can.”

Of course your reasoning isn’t perfect, but Natasha doesn’t interrupt even once as you explain how you want to do your part to support the hearings and the new request from the CIA by giving a testimony. Gifted or not, at least there’s information about Brock that can be of use and it seems someone else than just the Avengers are trying to clean things up…hopefully that includes tracking down the people that can be identified to Hydra through the data dumped on the net the day SHIELD fell. You promise to keep the ability secret to anyone outside of Natasha and her friends...admitting that you’ll have to be careful although you’ve got the most convincing cover to any strange phrasing “thanks” to what Brock and his people have put you through while in their hands.

The colours have returned to the world by the time you finish explaining. Dusty lavender heightens the rosy cheeks of the woman looking at you with a serious expression that makes your stomach knot. I have to do this. It’ll be hard as fuck, but it feels right. Feels important.

“I’ll let him know,” Tasha whispers, pulling you in for a tight embrace, “and I’ll be with you all the time.”

[spacevikingdeathstar]

I Am Angry

I don’t usually do this, posting about myself or my life. I’ve been lurking in the Tumblr realm for years but only actually started interacting properly a few months ago - and only to reblog other people’s posts, with and without my own commentary. However, I felt the need to rant and, given my area has just shut down because of the shitstorm going on globally, my only option is screaming into the void here on Tumblr. 

A little background you may need to make sense of this rant: I am a 29 y/o full-time college student living in the American Southeast (smack in the middle of the Bible Belt, ugh). I’ve suffered from severe depression and socia/general anxiety 20+ out of those 29 years and have only just begun to heal and interact with other human beings in the last year or so.

Last night I was taking about what’s going on in the world both locally and internationally with my mom. I was kinda ranting about how badly the US government has dropped the ball and all the ways in which our so-called leaders are making everything worse for us lowly peasants. When I get upset, I get loud, my voice raises in pitch, and I tend to rage-cry. These are all things my mom knows about me, this isn’t new information. Yet once again, as always, when I got upset, when I got loud, she told me to calm down and don’t yell at me and I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. For the record, I wasn’t yelling at her. I wasn’t really yelling at all. My voice did get loud, I will admit, but rather than admit that this was an upsetting situation, she told me to stop. Stop being upset, stop being emotional, stop trying to connect with her. 

I know this isn’t what she was trying to do; she was trying to calm me down. However, for as long as I can remember, every time I’ve gotten upset and shown that to her, she has shut me down. When she says don’t yell at me or calm down all I hear is your outward show of emotion is inconvenient to me and I want you to stop. It’s always been like this and it always has the exact opposite effect of what she wants - I just get more upset and more loud. Recently, I’ve taken to not talking to her at all when I’m upset; if I need to convey information I text because you can’t hear volume or tone in written form. If I get upset in the middle of a conversation, I cut that conversation off and leave. This, in turn, upsets her because she feels like I’m cutting her off and distancing myself from her. And I am, I admit it. But that’s only because every time I try to connect to her, I - and more importantly, my emotions - get dismissed. And I have no idea what to do with this.

I have a large-ish extended family, but my mom is the only one I’m close with or even interested in being close with. She’s a very warm and accepting person - normally - but is totally unable to connect with me or accept my emotional life if it at all inconveniences her. Maybe she’s just too empathetic and my being upset upsets her in turn and she’s trying to stop that from happening. Maybe she’s just not used to having to deal with me being emotional (I was dead inside for most of my childhood and adolescences on top of being an Aspi and so not taken to frequent emotional outbursts). She was mostly emotionally absent most of my teens but we’ve been building a better relationship now that I’m an adult. However, I don’t know how close I can be to someone who systematically shuts me down every time I try to make a connection in any way other than fluffy positivity. 

I just don’t know what to do.

As for the reason I was so upset - the Covid19/Coronavirus bullshit - I feel like I am absolutely in my right to be angry! We should all be angry! We should be furious about how our government has failed us and seems set to continue to fail us in the future. The fact that so many people are ambivalent about it outside of if or how it affects them personally is disgusting - though probably a function of just how inured to catastrophe we all have become. Our so-called media is designed to actively brainwash the population with lies and propaganda - it’s all sensational entertainment, not real news - and so many Americans drink it all up like mother’s milk, letting it dictate to them what they think, what they do, who they vote for. 

We’re running head-long into apocalypse and no one is pumping the breaks. The failure of our government to successfully handle this crisis is not the cause of impending country-wide collapse, it’s a symptom. This crisis has shined a spotlight on just how little our “democracy” cares for the people (hint: little to none). Covid19 has destroyed what was left of the illusion of governmental competence to reveal the man behind the curtain and shown him for the ineffectual clown he his. And I don’t just mean Trump - everyone (or at least everyone with two brain cells to rub together) has known how much of a clown he and his administration is, was, and has always been for a while now. Unfortunately, it seems as though not everyone has those two brain cells and, so long as his ineffectual “leadership” didn’t personally effect them, a lot of Americans were willing to ignore it. That’s beginning to change as the country begins to shut down and the masses start pointing fingers and questioning who to blame. Maybe this’ll be the wake-up call America needs to make mass, overarching, and sweeping change to all aspects of our governance and public policy. 

I hope so, yet still I am angry.

I sit here and read about Italy, I read about Britain, I read about China. Then I look outside and watch the hundreds of cars driving by on the interstate and know we aren’t doing enough. We aren’t taking enough actions to stop this pandemic from spreading - and our entire country is going to pay for it. I watch the news and see our government bailing out big businesses and banks to the tune of 1.5 trillion while letting it’s citizens suffer. In a capitalist society corporations are people, actual people are just commodities to be used up and discarded and nothing highlights this more than a government demanding everyone stay home while simultaneously denying them any help with bills, food, rent/mortgage, healthcare. I see posts of individuals begging for help because they’ve been laid off but their landlord remains unwilling to work with them. I see people posting from the hospital with an oxygen mask over their face and having every single symptom of the virus - yet unable to get tested - and can only conclude the systematic denial of tests is in effort to keep the “confirmed” cases lower than they are in actuality. I read about the Trump administration resolutely cutting 700,000 people from their access to food stamps - despite the growing number of people losing their jobs as the country shuts down and the lack of employment opportunities country-wide. I read about how some people are wanting to organize a general strike - but fear it being ineffectual in a economy where so many are desperate for jobs. What’s to stop these corporations from simply forcing their striking employees back to work like it’s 1890 and the Pinkertons have been hired? Whats to stop them from simply firing anyone who dares to go on strike - en mas, if necessary - and hiring any one of the tens of thousands of people who will be desperate for a job at that point? Nothing, that’s what.

And I am angry. 

Maybe it’s a function of the belief that all negative emotions are bad - that people shouldn’t show anger, feel anger, express anger. Maybe that’s why every time I give voice to what I feel, I am shut down. Maybe that’s why I am told “maybe you should stop reading/watching the news” rather than “maybe we should do something about this”. Maybe everyone else is too numb to be angry, or to apathetic to do anything about it, or feel too disempowered to know what to do. 

But I am angry.

I am also scared and feeling powerless, like so many others. I am doing my damnedest to not allow this imposed isolation and the abject horror of our situation negatively effect my mental health - the last thing I need is to fall back into depression. But every time someone tells me to stop watching the news, stop following what is going on across the world, stop researching how the political candidates for American presidency are reacting to this crisis - I want to yell NO! No, I will not stop. No I will not put my head into the sand and ignore everything around me to make myself feel better. No, I will not stay uninformed. 

I didn’t vote in 2016. I’m ashamed to admit it, but there you go. I was in a really bad place that year and trying to follow the political debates took a chisel to my already fracturing mental state. So I did what everyone told me and stopped reading the news, stopped following the candidates, stopped getting upset over “politics”. And when November came around, I didn’t vote. I didn’t know anything but hearsay about Trump or Clinton and so couldn’t make an informed decision - and I was unwilling to make an uninformed decision. I was told this was the best option given my mental health; that when the planes are going down you need to put your own oxygen mask on first before concerning yourself with other people. This is sensible advice, as far as it goes, but I don’t think that it’s wholly applicable these days. Given the state of the world and the people who propose to run it, I think the advice to stay away from politics because it might upset you is the absolute wrong one - at least for myself. Going back to the downed plane metaphor, such advice more closely reads as: stick your fingers in your ears and sing real loud while the plane goes down in the hopes that it will all go away. Ignoring it won’t change a thing and, given everything going on right now, getting upset about “politics” is the most sensible reaction there is. 

So, I am angry. 

And I will not stop being angry just because it is inconvenient to others. I will not stop being angry because my emotions make others uncomfortable. I will not stop being angry because I was told to. I will not stop being angry by ignoring the world around me. 

I will not stop being angry until our government - the so-called world leaders of freedom and democracy - get their collective shit together and begin treating their people with the respect and dignity we all deserve. Until the richest country in the world starts acting like it and providing their people with the basic rights afforded to all other peoples of first-world countries. Until public policy is created for the betterment of all people, not just to pad the pockets of the ultra rich. Until the foundations of our crumbling democracy are rebuilt to truly create a government for the people, by the people. 

I am incandescent with rage.

And I will not calm down. 

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #252

my personal laptop has to be fixed, so therefore i don’t have games to play, so expect plenty of these to pass the time lmao.

Have you ever said something just to see what kind of reaction you’d get? No, not that I remember. Have you ever confronted someone about using too much chat-speak? ??? No??? Have you ever revealed someone’s secret, after promising not to tell? No. Secrets are one thing I'm very serious about respecting. What is one emotion that you experience regularly? STRESS, MOTHERFUCKER. Describe the last major change you made concerning your hairstyle? Lopped it all off, lmao. It's been like, two years now though. Who was the last person to walk out of your life, and why? It feels like my friend Alex. She's kinda just... left me hanging for months. I think she's active online, but not with me, despite reaching out. She's also deleted her b.net account or just removed me from her friends list, idk. Absolutely nothing seems like it would've prompted that, though. Are you less likely to approach people that look/dress a certain way? I was going to say no, but the last person's answer inspired mine to yes; like, I'm not going to go talk to people with some crazy or offensive shit on their shirts, nor am I going to just go walk up to someone covered in blood. Name one embarrassing activity that you take part in? I don't know. Like I say enough I'm VERY self-conscious of revealing I RP, but only because I'm sensitive to how the person will respond. I'm in no way like, ashamed I do it. I'm just terrified of judgment over something "unusual." Ever been told that you can’t understand love due to your age? Not that I remember. I only claimed to "get it" (to my recollection) at a point in mine and Jason's relationship, and I very legitimately would've guffawed at and honestly nearly slapped you if you claimed I "didn't understand" love. What is your favorite Starburst candy flavor? THE PINK ONES. Do you think that you act like yourself while online? I act more like myself online. Have you ever lied about something to get someone to like you? No. Who is the fakest person in your life right now? I don't keep those people in my life. Have you ever laid down in the grass, and made shapes out of the clouds? As a kiddo. When someone’s constantly negative, how do you deal with it? It depends on the person, but ALMOST in all cases, I really really try to support the person as best I can. It may start to bring me a bit down, but I feel I'm just like... hardwired to help those I love. I think it's what my relationship with Jason did, as he left because he couldn't handle my depression anymore, and with how that absolutely and utterly annihilated me, I don't want anyone else to feel that pain. Now, for people I don't have much of a bond with, it's easier for me to say "I'm sorry, but I can't handle this right now," but even then, I prefer to help. Does Christmas make you feel like a kid again? No. I'm really most excited for aunt reasons, lol. Do you have any artistic talent? Some. Would you ever shoplift from a store if you knew you wouldn’t be caught? Absolutely not. When one of your pets dies, how do you react? Usually cry. I've only ever not done so if I hadn't at all formed a bond with the animal. When you go to the movies, where in the theater do you sit? Close to the front, in the middle. When was the last time you lost your appetite? I don’t know. Have you ever neglected to take care of yourself? Er. Quite badly during '16, in the depth of my depression. I'll just say my teeth are kinda yellow because of it. I want to whiten my teeth at some point if I can afford that kind of luxury. The last song/poem/story you wrote - what was it about? In RP, the most recent section being written now is my main protagonists receiving a visit from their allies before getting their asses torn up the next day lmao. After a fight, who apologizes first - you, or the other person? Usually me, but it does depend. If I genuinely feel I didn't do jackshit wrong, no, I'm not apologizing. When you’re feeling creative, what do you do? Write. Do you mind being in your house alone overnight? Not really by now. Done so a number of times. Are there any dreams you remember from childhood? Nightmares, yes, and one very realistic dream. What worries you most about death? Not knowing what happens afterwards. Do you watch really old tv shows or movies from the 1970s or earlier? I love The Munsters, I Love Lucy, The Beverly Hillbillies, and The Addams Family. I'm sure there's more, considering I liked to watch stuff with my mom as a kid. Who’s your celebrity crush(es)? HHHHHHHHHHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Ever been to a rave? No. Are you afraid to name the person you talk the most shit about? I don't really do that. Like I'll vent about people occasionally, but "talk shit" seems like the wrong word. I don't like gossiping. Are you a jealous person? Envious, rather, sometimes. I get VERY envious when it comes to photography, but otherwise, I don't feel it much. Who do you text the most out of your friends? Sara is like the only friend I text, lol. What would you do if you saw a complete stranger dealing drugs in public?
 Honestly, call an authority. I don't fuck with that. I'm not watching it happen. How often do you play video games? What are some of your favourites?
 I played World of Warcraft daily until my laptop took a shit. Need to get that fixed. Now I play actual video games very rarely... but mostly just because you can only replay the same ole game so many times before you've had enough of it for like a year. There are a great number of new games I want to play, though. I want a PS4 soooo badly. What are a few things that get on your nerves when it comes to Facebook (or your social networking site of choice)?
 More than anything, posting something that's crying for attention only for the person to be like "ugh I don't wanna talk about it." Then don't fucking post it. What are three things you’ve started to like lately? I feel like I haven't found new interests in a long time... Wait! I do feel The Handmaid's Tale and the Wings of Fire book Sara lent me have revived my love of reading! :') I want to go to the book store when I can and get both the new sequel to THT and the next WoF book. What was the last reason for having butterflies in your stomach?
 *shrug* Do you need a lot of space in relationships, or are you happy to spend a lot of time with your SO?
 I need SOME alone time, but for the most part I love being together. Once we're really close, anyway. What was the last thing you cooked from scratch? Scrambled eggs. Have you ever won anything from those games in arcades?
 Yeah. Funny story, there was this one time my sister won a stuffed duck from a claw machine, and it was the one I wanted after trying many times, and I cried so hard that one of the employees literally got one out for me lmfao. I probably still have it in the attic. When was the last time you went out to a fair?
 Not since right before the breakup. How far is the nearest zoo or wildlife park from your house? Do you go often?
 Like, two hours. We almost never go because of the distance. Are either one of your parents retired? If not, what do they do for a living?
 No. My dad's been a mailman all my life, and Mom is currently on disability because she has cancer and obviously can't work because of chemotherapy and all that. She was a pharmacy tech, though. If you could change one physical trait about yourself, what would it be?
 Can all this weight like vanish please. Have you ever gone out with someone you didn’t like?
 ????? Why would I do that???? Well, I didn't yet like-like Tyler because we hadn't been reunited as friends long enough; dating was kinda like... a dumb way to re-get to know each other? Thank fuck that was only two weeks. Would you ever take a bullet for your significant other? I'm single. Would you ever work at a fast food restaurant?
 No. History shows I can't work with people. Are you good at haunted houses, or do you scream your head off?
 AHHHHHHHHHHH I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!! If you’ve seen it, what did you think of the Twilight movie?
 I never watched them. Have you ever gotten your tongue stuck on a frozen pole?
 No. Are you a cat or a dog person?
 Cat. Does the movie Titanic make you cry?
 Ha ha, yes. I watched it on movie day while at the psych hospital and all of us were lil bitches almost sobbing, lol. Because it's a long movie, it went past our allotted time, but the nurses decided to let us finish it because we were so into it. I do have some good memories from those times... Do you think that fat people should wear skinny jeans? I think people can wear whatever the fuck they want without fear of judgment. Do you prefer game systems like Xbox, or older ones like Super Nintendo? The former. Do you enjoy indie music? Yep! What is the most strange piercing you’ve ever seen? Those ones people were getting on their fingers instead of rings... just huh. What do you do when you’re waiting in line at the grocery store? Look around, I guess. Think. What is your favourite beach to go to? I haven't been to enough to know. Have you ever been to a country club? No. Have you ever seen an animal die in real life? Too many times. Animals have been euthanized in my arms, and a kitten slowly died in my hands once. One of the most heartbreaking things I have ever experienced. Teddy accidentally punctured its lungs or broke ribs, I think, or something like that. I'm pretty sure he was trying to bring it back to its siblings because it wandered off, but he held it too tightly. I was home alone, too. It was fucking awful. Do you live on a Rd, St, Blvd, Ln, Way, or Ave? Road. Do you have naked pictures of someone saved on your phone? No. Would you ever go see an opera? Bitch I played Parasite Eve, I don't trust that shit. But seriously, no, not my scene. Do you own anything John Deere? No. Do you have a push mower or a mower that you ride on? Neither. A friend mows for us; he has the latter. What is the longest amount of time you’ve been stuck in traffic for? No clue. I think during a trip to New York. Would you consider joining the air force, army, etc? No. Who was your first crush and what made them special? This kid named Dylan. I thought he was super cute and cool. What is one thing nobody knows about you because nobody ever cared to ask? I dunno. Who did you idolize growing up? Steve Irwin. Do you believe that we are all here for a reason? What might the reason be? No. Have you ever carved your name or initials into a tree or stone? No. What were your best and worst subjects in school or college? Best: English. Worst: math. Name something you would like to devote more time to seeing or doing. Writing poetry. Drawing. Do you like to get your nails done? No. Do you remember the last movie you saw while on a date? Yeah, IT. Do you like to wear dresses? Hell no with my current body. Do you like any ‘manly’ activities like hunting, fishing, or camping? I find fishing to be fun and relaxing, but because of morals, I can't stomach doing it anymore. What was the name of your first boyfriend? First with the title, Aaron. First *real* boyfriend, Jason. Your first kiss? Jason. Are you still with either of those people from the last 2 questions? No. Have you ever used your bra to hold things like you would a pocket? Ha ha no. I think. What is your longest relationship to date? Three years, 7-8 months. I don't remember if the breakup was in August or September. Who ended the last relationship you were in? It was kinda like... mutual-ish, but moreso her. Have you ever gotten back with an ex? No. Who was your first prom date? Jason. Do you cry during romantic movies? Sometimes. Who was the last person to see you cry? Mom. Have you ever been used? I don't think so romantically, but in other ways, I know I have been. Have you ever felt violated? Yes. Do you like when a guy takes you by surprise and kisses you? Not everyone likes guys, so what an assumption. But anyway, only if we're very serious and have heavy trust in one another. Do you ever leave the house without makeup? Pretty much always. When was the last time someone gave you flowers? Been a few years. What kind of gift can win you over? BITCH buy me something Mark-related and you earn like 20 points. Has anyone ever sung to you? Yes. Do you like massages? Depends on who you are. In almost any case, no. They're awkward. Have you ever been skinny dipping? No. Do you sleep naked? No. Is smoking a turn-off? Yes. Is there a certain tv show you get upset if you miss? No. When was the last time you spent the night at someone else’s house? When I was at Sara's a year or so back. What is one food you always crave? Ice cream. Are you an exercise freak? Hunny- What scares you more, spiders or snakes? Snakes don't scare me, so spooders. Do you expect to be married in the next two years? No. Would you ever get implants? Nah. Have you ever had a crush on a sibling’s friend? No. Have you ever had a crush on a friend’s sibling? No. Are you more of a 'girly girl’ or a 'tomboy’? A tomboy. Have you ever dated someone with a child? No. Are you addicted to texting? No.

[sometimesrosy]

I think you’ve answered this before, but can you give advice on curating a positive environment for your fandom experience? As someone pretty sick of the Star Wars fandom complaining I need it. I’m just trying to enjoy a franchise I love for peete’s sake.

I think the key to creating your bubble is to understand what you want your fandom experience to be. Some people LIKE to fight and go on righteous crusades for their faves. Some people ENJOY the war. If you do not, don’t like attacking or being attacked so you can defend yourself, then when you see that, know that this does not belong in your bubble, even if everyone else is getting riled up. Scroll past, unfollow, filter, block. 

I think the other key to creating your bubble is accepting that other people do not like the same things you like and that’s okay. Whether a movie, a ship, or a way of fangirling. IMO, as long as people don’t interfere in other’s fun, then it’s free game. So posting a bad opinion on your blog? Go for it. I may unfollow, but enjoy your bad opinions, idc. HOWEVER posting your bad opinion on MY post to tell me I am wrong? NOPE. MYOB, make your own post. Get out of my bubble. Block. We need to allow people to have “wrong” ships and “wrong” theories. It’s not up to us what they believe just like it’s not up to them what we believe. If we think they’re fools, we should keep that to ourselves, probably not mention them by name, maybe in a PM or GC, but even then, do NOT get up a little gang of bullies who all hate what you hate. Is there really a need to give someone else you don’t agree with all your attention. (okay well maybe some people need an enemy to fuel their righteousness. block them. they’re creeps. and if you see someone doing it who you consider a friend, you might want to consider not being one of their sheep and backing away to find a more pleasant bubble.)

Scroll past posts you don’t like. You don’t have to agree with everything. It’s okay. You don’t have to argue with everything you disagree with. I have a 3 strikes rule for that. If I see 3 bad posts from someone, I unfollow them. If I see a great post from them, they get one of their strikes erased. 

Unfollow people who make you unhappy, who post things you don’t like, are negative, spread anti ideas, hate what you like. Even if you are mutuals, see if you can follow them on another blog, start a private message with them instead of following a blog that doesn’t make you happy, or maybe just let go of them if they aren’t that important to your life. You can tell them if you like, that you can’t follow negativity, and they might understand and you lose nothing but the negative posts.

Filter terms that trigger or upset you. Filter your NOTPs. I wish we could filter bloggers but I haven’t figured out a way to do that. If some people post people you’ve blocked a lot, consider unfollowing them. It’s not always great to be IN a fandom where everyone is spreading the things and people who bother you, so you may. have to sacrifice those follows.

Block people who are aggressive, bullying, mean, liars, manipulators. Beware the cult of personality, because some people like to create a group of followers who they can tell what to think and do. You may not be able to block all their followers, but you can see the ones who enjoy the bullying right away. You don’t have to wait until it is turned onto you.

Be careful of people who consider themselves positive. Watch what they do, not what they say, because I’ve joined groups that were supposed to be focused on positivity that ended up turning negative because they only meant “oh hey I like this so I’m positive.” But when they didn’t like something, they didn’t worry about being positive or letting it go. 

I have stepped away from a lot of fandom. I don’t engage in tumblr games. I don’t do fandom twitter at all because it’s so antagonistic and full of people complaining and demanding what they want. Ugh. I don’t debate people anymore, because even if the person I was debating can do so without attacking or anger or wars, there’s no guarantee that other people won’t get heated and start to declare someone immoral and unrighteous (I am so tired of this.) I should probably remind you that one of the problems with debate today is people don’t understand that ad hominem attacks, or defaming the debater’s character rather than focusing on their argument, is NOT debate. I like to debate. I don’t like what happens in fandom when people debate. They take sides. Make wars. That is outside my bubble so I had to let debate go. I have asked people not to hijack my posts to call me names or be an anti, and if they are unable to stop doing that, they get blocked. 

I have kept my ask box open and it is usually open to anons, but I have strict rules that shouldn’t be that hard to follow. No hate. No antis. Ship and let ship. Be respectful. I block people who break the rules. If people send nasty anons once, they tend to send them a lot and you don’t need to play. If i want to answer their ask, i will cut and paste it into a text post and block the anon. You can’t post an ask and then block. Some people screenshot them. If there are too many nasty anons, I will turn off anon for a while. 

OH THE TAGS. I never go to the tags. There is no way to cultivate any bubble there. STAY OFF THE TAGS. Follow people who post the kind of content you like. Do not get sucked in by tags for your ship or show that are negative and make you upset and defensive. If you need new content, look at the responses to a post you like and check out the blogs of people who say cool stuff. Scroll a bit to make sure they are not negative. Follow them. 

Oh also. Be careful of what you say. Be clear about how much you can handle, and what questions you’re willing to tackle. Even if you only talk about things you love, you can draw negativity. Some people REALLY get offended when you try to enjoy yourself. If you find yourself ranting or getting angry or posting something you know will rile up the fandom, step away from the computer and take a break and come back when you’re cooled down to see if you still feel that way, can say it better, or need to say it at all. The more sensitive a topic is, the longer it takes me to write it because I have to THINK about if I SHOULD say it. Hot takes are often hot messes. I wrote this post twice. The first one was too personal, and too much about what I went through in fandom and as such a bit bitter and antagonistic. 

I’ve done a lot to cultivate my bubble and yes it made fandom less fun. But also safer, less nerve wrecking. The anxiety of fandom was not good for my PTSD and anxiety and I recognized that I needed to take care of my mental health more than I needed to calm the fandom panic of strangers on the internet. 

It’s also wise to remember that fandom, while it is real social engagement, is about a work of fiction. This is NOT life or death. Those characters on screen are not real. When the show is over, no matter how it ends, whether you love it or hate it, it’s just a show. We can move on and separate ourselves from it, find something new to love. IF our identities are all wrapped up in the show, we might want to, for our own mental health, step back and remember that our world exists outside of fandom. Get obsessed about a different show. Take up a hobby. Meet new friends. Switch to reading for a while. Try something creative. Take up meditation or running or volunteering at the animal shelter. Anything.

[number9robotic]

9-24-19 Update

 The long-awaited sequel to my 9-22-19 Update!

(plugging my newest pic as an artist tax)

Short version: I’m in physical danger right now.

Long version: My relationship with my parents are breaking down significantly because changes to plans of my living situation, my inability to cope with my depression, anxiety, and other mental/emotional compromises, and the resulting inability to do anything outside my comfort zone like finding a proper job/source of income or going to school. 

As a result, my mom over the course of a few days have been physically threatening me (in public, no less) to send me back to my home in Vancouver while also shaming me for ruining their lives, and I feel legitimately unsafe being in my own home because I don’t know what they’re gonna do to me. All while this happens, my ability to stay motivated as a creator is really being tested.

Fuller version is below this line because I don’t wanna flood the feed and my account with walls of unpleasant text:

Please read my 9-22-19 Update for full context and backstory, there’s a lot of text and I don’t wanna retype it all.

1. THE REAL-LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES GOT WORSE

Yesterday as I was in my weekly therapy appointment, my parents had a renegotiation with each other about that plan I mentioned for my dad to come here and basically repeat the process of my legal anchoring to LA away from my home in Vancouver. Even though I responded with a (resigned) “sure, I’ll do it for you,” suddenly my dad made a conscience decision and told my mom that he changed his mind, because he’s really concerned about my mental well-being and the complete stagnation of my life because of my time here in LA.

This... didn’t go well with my mom, because as usual, this is ultimately about her, I guess. Later that evening, she took me to a Starbucks because she wanted to talk with me about something important, partially as a result of her indeed getting her travel permit document that day. She told me she also talked to her lawyer earlier that day, who said that as it stands, while the case isn’t expected to be finished until April 2020 at the earliest, I’ve technically done all I need to do to be declared a resident of the US, and my job is effectively done. Combined with my dad’s newfound desire to not keep me here any longer, I was told that I could return home.

buuuuuuuuuuuut

She was VERY clearly not happy about this. Despite being the one who decided to talk about this publicly, she had a very loud meltdown as she was explaining this and decided to erupt all of her frustrations not just with herself, but also of me. 

To summarize her very long and confusing tirade, she started to outright force at me “JUST GO BACK TO VANCOUVER! GET A TICKET AND MOVE BACK TOMORROW! JUST GO!!!!”, yet was simultaneously also venting about how much damage this would do to HER and her career; that my lack of presence is a sign of failure on her part as a parent, because she hasn’t been able to get me to go to school or a “real” job or even learn how to drive. Keep this one little bit of info in mind. 

A third argument she was trying to convince me of is that the return to Vancouver for me is only going to fuck ME up, because she doesn’t believe that me returning back to a comfortable place where I’m familiar with and am actually able to get around using public transit (which is so much better than LA, it’s not even a fair comparison) would be better for me and my personal health. She also said that Vancouver’s ability to help me with my mental health is so much worse than that of LA... which... that’s incredibly laughable on so many levels, the least of which is the fact that we spent a several-month assessment process to apply for job assistance because of my autism, only for the result to me to deem me and my autism diagnosis as invalid, but whatever, I guess... 

I responded by telling how incredibly irrational she was acting in her hysterical state (again, in a very public area) with her a bunch about what I felt would help me through this, which I’ll talk about later. Reason not now is because she promptly forgot about it and this morning, SHE DID THE SAME THING AGAIN. This time she invited me to talk at a different Starbucks, asked me about my future, and then had ANOTHER very public meltdown screaming about her and my life problems, but this time it was at a time before McDonald’s stopped serving its breakfast menu.

Once again, she slammed me in my inability/refusal to try anything that would apparently help justify me being here in LA, me ruining her life no matter where I go in the world, and also threatening to send me away to Vancouver. This time I just had to outright leave the conversation because she was getting violent this time; I’m currently typing this in a library and she hasn’t found me yet. This isn’t an entirely new feeling, but currently I am legitimately scared for my future and physical safety.

2. EMOTIONAL HEALTH AND PARENTING

I (re-)explained to her that my problem with all of these personal development hurdles -- my inability to try anything where it feels like the failure of which will be utterly emotionally devastating -- is because I flat-out do not have the ability to deal with it. The entirety of grade school and post-secondary have collectively been the most emotionally devastating times of my life to me, I failed my written exam that’s the first step to get a driver’s licence 5 TIMES, and I have a smattering of emotional, communicative, mental, and physical hinderances preventing me from finding work.

And here’s why that affects me so much: my parents are not emotionally supportive. Mom and dad have outright admitted that due to “Chinese parenting”, “it’s just not my personality”, “I don’t know how to help reassure you” they don’t wish to help me with my emotional problems directly, often times finding it to be the job of others they can then shunt that duty off to, such as therapists, psychologists, counselors, or others. This ignores the fact that my meetings with them are weekly, whereas my greatest exposure to other people come from them, my supposed “loved ones”. I feel like I should be able to go to them for emotional strength. I do not, either because they aren’t capable of or just simply don’t want to be that.

Just to note how little they care about my feelings, I came out to them as nonbinary a few months ago, explained to them what that actually means, that I don’t like my pronouns or birth name at all, and asked for them to respect that. They have yet to comply despite me broadcasting my discomfort constantly, because they simply won’t “get it”.

Yknow... as someone who’s failed a lot in life... I can safely say that the resulting emotional wreckage isn’t fun. 

The thing about being emotionally wrecked is that without any reliable source to go to like family or friends, my only solution is to just wait for my depression to pass... which if anyone knows anything about it, you’d know it’s super-unreliable and can take either a week or a month for me to feel better again, and is incredibly destructive. What I’ve recently realized is how much it utterly fucks with my perception of time and continuity -- depression cuts off my ability to feel anything significant or optimistic, including my ability to perceive a future worth looking up to. As a result, I feel like I’ve wasted A LOT of time in the last few years because nobody has been able to help me with that, at least in my actual time of need.

I’ve made this point to my parents many times throughout the year, and I’ve been desperately trying to communicate to them that the easiest solution to my mental trauma? To actually be there emotionally as loved ones; to help me through that potential sense of failure that I’m so afraid of experiencing again, and for them to comfort me as their child.

This request has pissed off my mom on multiple levels: the first I established already is that she’s constantly claiming she doesn’t know how to/isn’t capable of doing it because “it’s just not me” or “I’m not white mom” or some other crap. The second however is where things got super-confusing: she was also offended that I would ever think that she doesn’t support me on that level, and shared me a bunch of wechats to our extended family supporting my minor hobbies, even though they’ve been sucking really bad (again, please consider my patreon, this is a super-hard time to be motivated as a creator)

So I was like... “You ARE capable of being emotionally reassuring! I want to actually hear it myself!” because she almost never expresses positive emotions; it’s either complete ambivalence or negative frustration. She continued to express negative frustration at this, and at that point I just gave up because at this point it struck me that she just outright doesn’t want to help me with it because she felt like she can shunt the duty to someone else... even though she’s pissed about having to pay them therapy bills to do so. Ugh...

3. EVERYTHING BITES

To summarize: this entire breakdown and my future is emotionally fueled not about my needs like my dad wished, but about my mom’s, who believes that it is far more simple for me to be sent back to Vancouver at her blatant behest, and for me to just “get over” my depression and anxiety to do all the shit she expects me to do which she also believes me to be incapable of doing, than to just... be a caring parent who expresses positive feelings.

And during all of this, she’s also shaming me as a failure who ruins her life no matter what I do.

I am... so exhausted... and it’s super-difficult to stay motivated as a creator these days as a result of it. Fuck, I barely feel safe returning home either in LA or in Vancouver, because I know my mom hates me for it.

I still don’t have friends, and I still have depression and anxiety... and I can’t even ask my mom to be there for me in my time of emotional distress... thanks.

[oddbooklover13]

Hard Day 11-5-19

Its been a rough day overall. I just want to get it out there. 

Yesterday one of the scheduling people asked me to stay an extra half hour at work and I didn’t have anything going on so I said okay. Well, this morning she texts me and asks if I can take someone to lunch at 11... Um, that’s another half hour from when you already extended my shift to plus the lunch which could be anywhere from 30-50 minutes depending on the family. I said no because I felt super disrespected. So I stayed till 10:30 and did the tour, and right as I finished up in the workroom and filed my time card, someone calls back and asks me to take a guest across campus. 1. I have no fucking idea where this person’s office is, so I would have to look it up and go in blind 2. I’M ALREADY HERE EXTRA TIME! I’m trying to leave, like get someone else to do it. I just said I had an appointment and needed to go and skeeted out. I do not appreciate how this job disrespects my time commitments and has the audacity to pay us minimum wage while praising us for being the “most important contact for prospective students”. Guys, I got paid 85 cents more at a shift job, and I got paid for all the time I worked because it's friking illegal not to pay us. UGH

Overall, I’m having a super hard time focusing on stuff. Homework is taking me forever because I keep looking at other things and getting distracted on my phone. I can’t even take my phone away because I need it for translating my homework. All I have left, thank goodness, is Spanish work. I have about 20 pages to read and a 2 sided worksheet to complete. Should take maybe an hour? I am debating whether to go to my conversation tables in 10 minutes because I don’t want to be around people a whole lot right now and I have to get this work done. 

Major thing on my mind right now- Meditation class from today. We are doing a unit on self-empathy and compassion right now and its really dredging up some hard feelings for me. Especially due to the work I’m doing in therapy rn, they are literally feeding into each other and I just got overwhelmed today. We meditated and then got worksheets to do at our own pace. They focused on shame and good qualities. The shame worksheet was so fucking hard... I just word vomited about my body and eating and control and I literally wanted to cry by the end of it. I filled up all the space on the page and I couldn’t write anymore. I was one of the very last people left, so I went into the meditation room and asked my professor if I could talk to her about the activity today. It was so so hard, I felt terrible. I ate lunch today and I didn’t want to and I don’t have therapy until Thursday and I’ve been trying to say my mantras before eating but I honestly don’t want to eat anything and why is this so hard. I cried on the floor while she talked to me and I just don’t know how I can get over this I need some fucking form of control for myself. I can’t control my movements, my words, there has to be something, you know? 

Sorry for the negativity, I’ll put a bunch of tags on for everyone so they can filter this post if it's triggering. 

[spnfanficpond]

General Guide to Feedback and Beta Reading

Feedback:

What people want to see in a reblog, not an in-depth critique.

Should be positive. If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say it.

If you have constructive feedback that is negative, such as a typo found, send it in a private message!

Negative feedback left in a comment or reblog is construed as an attack every time. Like getting socks for Christmas and openly saying, “Ugh, socks,” right in front of your loving aunt who gave them to you.

Best feedback can include:

Quotes from the text

How did it make you feel?

Praise for form or style

Praise for characterization

Key smash

Reaction gif

Positive emojis

Bad feedback could include:

Questions about a choice the writer made (depending on tone)

List of typos or grammatical errors on a public comment or reblog

Critique of tags not used (depending on tone - be nice!)

Anything not worded nicely or with respect

Beta Reading:

When someone asks you to review their work before posting. Generally, an in-depth critique. 

Could include:

Grammar and punctuation

Story elements - continuity, canon compliance, word choice, characterization, and more

Brainstorming/sounding board - Talking to each other in order to get inspiration, “What do you think X would do about Y?”

Critical, but not negative. Make sure all comments are helpful and respectful.

If unsure how to approach a problem with a writer, try finding a question to ask. “Why did you choose to do X instead of Y?” “I’m confused. Was this explained before and I missed it?” “Are you trying to stay canon compliant, or is this a break from canon that serves the story?”

Understand that the writer has final veto power over all of your suggestions, even if you think your suggestions are better/right. This is their work, not yours.

Highlight good parts as well as problems.

Give the writer an idea of your turnaround time. If you’re too busy, be open about it. “I’d love to, but I’ve got too much on my plate right now to help you in a timely manner.”

Don’t rewrite the whole thing. Try to keep their style and voice intact as much as you can.

Google Docs makes beta reading super easy. Make sure you’re in suggestion mode. You can leave comments on sections of texts. You can chat with each other in the chat window.

Being a Good Beta Reader:

Some tips to keep in mind when working with a writer.

Be upfront about your weaknesses. If grammar isn’t something you’re knowledgeable about, don’t hide it. If you don’t have the time to brainstorm about characters or possible plot lines, be open about it. This keeps expectations from being too high to meet.

Consider your agreement with your writer as a binding agreement to work for them.

You wouldn’t take a job at a factory that wanted you to work 14-hour days, so don’t take a beta job with a writer that needs more than you can offer. Don’t promise to do something you know you can’t do. It’s nicer to be open and honest about your capabilities. 

If you can’t meet your original agreement, try to give your writer as much notice as possible.

Know that the writer is depending on you, and treat the relationship with respect.

Keep in contact with your writer. Let them know your process if you have one. If there are tools you use, tell them. If you need to miss a deadline, keep your writer in the loop.

Do not put your writer’s needs above yours. Yes, this is a job and an important relationship, but they will understand if real life interferes. You’re no good to your writer if you’re overextended and sick.

Finding a Compatible Beta Reader:

This can be a long and difficult process, like buying shoes. Don’t get discouraged if your first try doesn’t work out!

Check out the list of Beta Readers at the Pond. Find a name you recognize and start there.

Most betas are also writers. Read something they’ve written recently. If they have a quality you admire and want for yourself, ask them. If you don’t like their writing, you won’t like their beta reading.

Know what you’re looking for and ask for it up front. If you’re not sure what you need help with, find a beta who does everything. Be as clear as possible when explaining what you want in feedback. If you need someone to treat a story gently because it’s too emotional for you, but you want a grammar check, tell your beta exactly that. Needs can change from story to story.

Ask about turnaround time. If possible, set a deadline. This way both parties know what’s expected. Betas should keep writers up to date on their process. For example, I read things about three times. For a longer fic, this can take days. I try to let a writer know where I am, so they can see my progress.

Don’t feel bad if a beta/writer relationship doesn’t work out. A good beta/writer relationship is a complex mix of personality, writing/editing acumen, respect, and creativity. Sometimes, people mesh, sometimes they don’t, and it’s not anyone’s fault.

Update Jan 30, 2021 - This post here by @blarfkey​ was just submitted to us to be reblogged and it’s excellent! Definitely give this a read if you’re considering becoming a beta reader!

[lovemesomesurveys]

So far, how has summer been treating you? Blah. I really don’t like summer, it’s just hot and miserable and adds to/intensifies my already crappiness. It’s just not a good time. The only good thing are the times I’m able to go to the beach. When was the last time you had a slushie? I have no idea. It’s been quite awhile. Is there someone you miss right now? There’s a few people I’ll always miss.  How many pairs of sunglasses do you own? Zero. Do you prefer sticky notes or cork boards? I have a bulletin board and marker board. I use my marker all the time to put appointment card reminders and write important dates on and stuff. 

What was the last movie you watched online? Like through something like Netflix? It was a Marvel movie I think, but I forget which one. It was awhile ago. Is there much drama going on in your life at the moment? Not drama, just other shit. Are you graduating this year? I graduated college in 2015. Do you feel like doing something radically different with your hair? I just need to get it dyed again and trimmed. I’ve also been considering possibly getting bangs again, but I don’t know. Are you in a relationship? No. Did you ever think your cell was vibrating when it wasn’t? That’s probably happened before. The last person who added you on Facebook, did you accept or decline? I think it was some random person, in which case I declined.  Are you at all interested in America’s Next Top Model? I’ve watched a few seasons here and there. I watched the last 2 most recent ones, and I’d watch a new season if they decided to make another. What did you last take a picture of? My doggo. Would you like to learn another language? I’d like to be fluent in Spanish. I should start practicing it again. What type of earphones/headphones do you own? I just have the Apple ones that you get when you get a new phone. I really want to get a pair of Beats.  Your portable musical device (mp3, iPod, etc): How old is it? I use my phone for music, which is only less than a year old.  Do you own a pet that most would consider different? No. Have you ever wanted to travel to Germany? Sure. When was the last time you used scissors? I don’t recall. What’s your favorite kind of perfume/cologne? I like fruity/sweet ones, but also ones with patchouli. As for colognes, I love cedar wood and sandalwood.  Is there a movie coming out that you would like to see soon? I want to see that movie, Don’t Let Go that just came out, but I’m really looking forward to seeing It Chapter 2. Do you love buying shoes? I’m not super big into shoes, but my thing is shirts.  Do you bother making your bed everyday? It’s always made because I sleep on top of the comforter and just use a throw blanket.  Have you had your wisdom teeth removed yet? Yeah. Have you ever been drunk and regretted it? Yeppp. Do you like to do anything artistic? Coloring is about as artistic as it gets for me. What did you last cook for yourself? Ramen. Has anyone ever called you a “pipe dreamer”? No. Who was the last person to text you? My brother. Think back to your last kiss, did you enjoy it? Yeah. Are you even slightly addicted to applying lipgloss or lipchap? Nope. Do you ever make fun of your own country? Certain things sometimes. What Internet browser do you use? Chrome. Do you consider yourself to be spoiled? You could say that. I just hate that term cause I feel like it has such a negative connotation to it. What song are you listening to right now? XO TOUR Llif3 by Lil Uzi Vert.  Are you comfortable giving random hugs? No. I’m not one to initiate a hug except for with my mom. Or my doggo, ha. Who did you last argue with? More like bickering, but probably with my dad. Do you ever have conversations with your pets? Yep.  Have you ever listened to the band Rammstein? I’ve heard of ‘em, but no I don’t think I’ve heard their stuff.  Do you have any plans for tomorrow? My mom’s birthday is coming up, so my brother and I are going to go get her presents. Who is your celebrity love? Alexander Skarsgard, duh. Are you more a Twitter person or a Facebook person? Twitter. Have you ever lost a best friend? Yeah, a few. Do you own an exercise ball? It’s not mine, but I think we have one in the garage. Xbox 360, PS3, or Wii? We don’t have a PS3, but we have a PS2 & 4, and I like to use the PS4 to watch DVDs or watch Netflix and Hulu.  Are you messy or organized? A bit of both. I didn’t use to be messy, but my room has gotten a bit cluttered. Well, it’s not really what I’d consider messy, though... I just have too much stuff.  What band / artist would you love to see live in concert? I’m sad I never got to see Linkin Park in concert with Chester. :(  Are your nails painted right now? Nope. What was the craziest color you’ve ever dyed your hair? Red. Do you consider yourself to be a daredevil? Ha, no. Does it snow where you live? No. :( Do you have any significant scars? I have a ton of scars. I don’t know if they’re “significant” or not, but yeah. Who last had their arm around you? My mom. Are you feeling deprived of anything? Yes. Have you ever been obsessed with working out? Nope. What color is the shirt you’re wearing currently? Black. Are you talking to anyone on an IM right now? No. What did you think of the movie Avatar? I really liked it. I can’t believe it’s taken so long for the 2nd one to come out. I think we still have another couple years. Do you collect anything? Giraffe stuffed animals and knickknacks and key chains.  Have you ever feared the future? I do fear the future. What was your highest mark this year in school? Can you walk in 4+ inch heels? No. Is your significant other shorter, taller or the same height as you? I’m single. Is there a friend you would trust with your life? I trust my family with my life. Have you ever been purposely ditched? It felt that way. Do you live in a relatively safe area? My city isn’t the safest, but my neighborhood is. What was the last alcoholic beverage you had? I think it was a rum and Coke, but it was 6 years ago so I don’t really recall. Is there someone you know who is obsessed with Call of Duty? No. Is that even still a big thing now? Have you ever looked into the mirror and hated who you saw? I think that anytime I look in the mirror. I avoid looking in the mirror as much as possible. Is there a piece of jewellry you always wear? No. I haven’t worn any jewelry in like 4 years. When was the last time you saw your significant other? Sigh. What was the longest conversation you’ve had with a person? Several hours. How many purses do you own? 8, but 1 is a mini backpack I use as a purse sometimes and another is a fanny pack. Is there something you should be doing right now? Nah. Do you wish on 11:11? No. What’s your opinion on the Gulf oil spill? Is it hot in the room you’re in right now? Ugh, it’s a bit warm. Can summer please be over?? Are you one of those people who are always rearranging the furniture? I never do that, and if I wanted to I’d need someone else to do it for me. My room is small, so there’s not much rearranging that could be done anyway. Do you listen to any music that’s really old? I like a variety of music from different decades, going back to like the 50s.  Are you a fan of the LA Lakers? I don’t care for sports. When the last time you were upset and weren’t exactly sure why? I feel that way a lot. I mean, usually there’s a reason, like an accumulation of ongoing things, or something in specific, and then there’s the depression, but sometimes in the moment I’m not sure what in particular is making me upset. I guess though it’s like I said, it’s just everything.  Have you ever been somewhere tropical? No, but I’d love to go. Would you consider yourself to be a chocoholic? Not even a little. I’m really not big on chocolate. I’ll have times where I want something and then I’ll have it and be good for awhile. I haven’t had any chocolate in quite awhile, actually. Have you ever heard of Channing Tatum’s website Post The Love? Nope. Do you know anyone who’s currently pregnant? Someone on my Facebook. Are you a fan of mix CDs? I used to make them all the time back in the day.  Has anyone ever given you their business card? Yeah. What is your dream job/career? I don’t have one.  Do you have a friend who’s naturally a redhead? No, but I have a cousin who is. Have you ever had a one night stand? No. What time is it now? 7PM.