#u do realize how difficult this position u put me in is? u do know the consequences of ur actions right how you're screwing me over too?

[hivepixels]

.

[yesimwriting]

been obsessed with coryo after watching tbosas 😭 please write more of bestfriend!coryo <3

so so adorable 💋 i love u tehe

me gasping like in that tiktok sound: oh my goodness i love this question!!!

in all seriousness i have so many more thoughts on this dynamic omg

----

thinking about bestfriend!coryo who knows your parents love him, and, more importantly, he knows how to use that to his advantage.

it's no accident, he's put in meticulous effort in making sure that they not only approve of the friendship, but that he's their favorite friend of yours. when it comes to a family as prominent and wealthy as yours, parental approval goes a long way, especially with how regularly your parents leave town for business.

your father's admiration isn't an easy thing to win, but coriolanus is no stranger to uphill battles, and you're worth it. with the way that you look at him, how could you not be?

so he puts in the work: being the perfect student in classes taught by known friends of your father, wearing his best clothing and practicing old capitol etiquette his grandma'am was more than happy to review with him before family dinners that you invited him to, and making sure to keep proper distance between the two of you whenever your parents are around, no matter how difficult it is for him to remember to not hold your hand.

the hardest part is the fact that most of your father's intimidation comes from the fact that he's the exact kind of man coryo wants to be. powerful, respected, and in a position to never worry about finances or status. but he keeps at it, taking more care than usual to make sure that the signs of poverty are never visible in front of your parents.

even if that means purposefully leaving leftovers of the best food he's eaten in years on his plate so that no one will think he's starving. even if you give him a look that only he can feel the strangeness of because even though you've never spoken of his financial status, you can tell that he's not as well off as everyone thinks. that's the only thing about you that digs beneath his skin--you can always tell.

he's unsure if his efforts are working because of your father's constantly stoic disposition even though you assure him that that's your father when he's relaxed.

but then one day, he's over on your father's last night at home before returning to the districts to oversee some business, and your father asks to speak with him in private. you're instantly snapping your head up from your textbook, wanting to make sure that your father won't say anything embarrassing or rude.

he's scared off other friends in the past and even though it hurts, you never fight back too much because your father isn't an easy man to talk back to. but this is where you draw the line. you're not going to lose your coryo.

coryo feels something in his stomach knot, especially at that bewildered look behind your eye, but he's not about to be openly intimidated, so he assures you that he's fine. when you push, asking what topic could possibly involve just coryo and him and be that private, your father says that it's just business from man to man.

coryo has to force down a smile because he knows he'll be hearing no end of it from you as soon as the two of you are alone together. then he starts to think that this might be it. maybe your father has found out about his true financial status or dean highbottom has finally gotten to him and he's about to be banned from seeing you.

he forces down his anxiety and follows your father into the hall. your father's quick to the point, letting him know that he's leaving for another long stretch of time and that your mother's social and professional engagements mean that you'll be alone often. he closes the statement by asking coriolanus to look after you until he returns.

the realization that coriolanus has made it hits him at the same time as the relief and for a second all he can do is stare. then his senses return to him and he's swearing to your father that he'll take such good care of you, your father will have nothing to worry about. then your father's clasping his shoulder and offering him a gruff but oddly genuine thank you, son before telling him to get back to your room before you get paranoid.

it's an odd way to end the moment, but coryo's so busy trying to convince himself to not mentally plan out your wedding (because let's be honest, that's a level of trust from someone like your father might as well be a pre-engagement) that he doesn't think of it.

when he gets back to your room, you ask as casually as you can manage what your father wanted. after telling you that your father just wants to make sure that you're looked after while he's away, coryo expects you to be happy. but instead of reacting positively, you just sort of nod and mumble something polite before attempting to go back to studying.

something in his chest hardens. he's your best friend, who you spend as much time as socially acceptable with, and you two are being given the perfect excuse to be around each other more and you're not happy.

he immediately pushes and you reluctantly tell him that this has to mean that he's in with your father. another thing that coryo thinks you should be thrilled about. the more your father approves, the closer the two of you can be. he's accusing you of being sick of him, of trying to get rid of him, of no longer wanting to be best friends with him.

that has you scrambling to defend yourself. there's little you consider more important than your friendship with him. it's the only bond you fully trust.

so you tell him that your real concern is that your father never gets along with your friends that way, and that the only similar reference point you have is the way he talks to people like him.

you then tell him that the people in your father's social circle aren't like coryo. at the very least, not your coryo, who's never harsh with you and would rather spend parties sitting with you than sharing cruel opinions to impress other men.

all coriolanus hears is that you don't see him the way you see the actually important men. the hurt behind his eyes has you moving to stand and reaching for him. he lets you take his hand but doesn't react, so you explain it as transparently as possible. people that your father likes are mean, and you don't want to lose him to that.

there's something about the way you say it, all round eyes and genuine worry. it reminds him too much of tigris, of the newfound hint of tension in their relationship that's become more prevalent. she's constantly reminding him of what his father's success turned him into.

coryo's pulling you into a hug, whispering promises that you could never lose him. you're hugging him back tightly, hand smoothing circles against his back.

he realizes he means what he's saying. he can achieve the prominence he wants without alienating you. there's a way to be stern with the world and just coryo to you. and even if his edges become a little sharper, he'll keep that away from you and you'll understand.

you may criticize some of your father's views and actions, but you do love him. coryo sees it in the way that you constantly strive for his approval, he sees it in the way your face lights up when he's home. if you can love your father through your disagreements, you can love him as well. he'll make sure of it.

feeling better, he starts semi-playfully chiding you for even thinking that anything could take you away from him. that you should know better than to not see this as yet another thing he's doing for you, for your friendship.

you don't want to admit it, but you're feeling a little bad for reacting like that. after all, coryo was so excited to tell you and you know your father's capable of scaring people out of your life. at least this means that nothing's going to get in between the two of you.

coryo recognizes your slight pout and the apologetic line between your eyebrows. the two of you so rarely argue that even a hint of conflict has you willing to do anything to make things feel normal again.

so he lets himself play into his hurt. you're quick to pick up on it, holding onto him a little tighter. the two of you stay like that for awhile until you break the silence, saying that you're happy that he has an excuse to be around more.

eventually the two of you end up sitting on your bed, both of you silently agreeing that you've done enough homework. instead you focus on reassuring him, holding his hand between both of yours, pressing the occasional chaste kiss against his knuckles and resting your head against his shoulder until he has to go home.

after your father leaves, coryo takes his promise to look after you seriously. he's already in the habit of walking you home after school every day, but he start staying over after every day. the lack of authority figures around makes it a little easier to accept the after school snacks your maid always prepares and sometimes he even lets you send some home with him.

his grandma'am's over the moon when he starts accepting invitations to school social events that he honestly considers painful because he's escorting you. she's convinced that the two of you are getting married and with your family's status and the snow name, there's no door the two of you won't be able to unlock. even though you're still just friends, he rarely reminds her. it's for her own sake, he tells himself, it makes her happy.

the promise to your father also makes him bolder. he feels more assured, more justified in his disapproval of those that show a little too much interest in you.

you still don't notice the way his jaw tightens when some unaware guy gets too close, or think anything of the way that it almost always leads to him grabbing your hand.

he also stays over more, sometimes leaving for a few hours in the late afternoons so your maid doesn't think anything's going on. your family's estate is so large it's easy enough to get him in and out through a secondary exit.

the two of you fall into such a good routine that when your parents do get back, they start trusting coryo even more. your father asks if he can take you to certain social events that normally you wouldn't be allowed to attend and your strict weekday curfew becomes more of a suggestion when he's around.

[sourbinnie]

☆ home ☆

♡ genre ¿? ♡ -> angst ; hurt/comfort ♡ pair ¿? ♡ -> skz + 9th member!reader (gender neutral) ♡ plot ¿? ♡ -> the truth is out (again) but this time it brings tears along the way. ♡ warnings ¿? ♡ -> none ♡ request ¿? ♡ -> yes!

old faces, new smiles

a/n: i didn't do the same scenario cus i didn't wanna be repetetive but i did something quite similar, that's why i'm putting the og fic link! hope you enjoy it and thank you for requesting<3 / also this one is in first person and idk why, it just came out that way.

i knew doing one of these interviews where they asked nonstop questions about your past, your family and just how your idol journey started was gonna be difficult. i already went through telling my members that i was on hybe before, yet now i found yourself in a similar situation. reliving memories was not hard but having to share them in such a deep space with others and not shed a tear or two was gonna be a challenge.

i sat down with the rest of your members and prepared myself as hyunjin held my hand carefully. he knew i was nervous about these kinds of things, i was one of the shy members of the group and yet they always brought the best out of me when we talked.

"okay are we ready?" chan asked and everyone nodded. the conversation started with the older members sharing their best memories in jyp and how much their family meant and how they supported (or did not) them. it was a light and sweet conversation, there wasn't any tears but there were clear emotions in chan's voice, minho's expressions and changbin's movements. 

it wasn't hard to notice that i was really freaking out when they were sharing images and videos of us as trainees. it completely stopped when they showed the hybe dance practice rooms and my videos in there, doing choreographies i still remembered to this day and i knew it was my turn to speak. i laughed when they showed old photos with different idols that i still hold contact with these days. some really close friends, some that i haven't heard back from in a while, some that left like i did and some that debuted just now.

"it's insane how much potential you've always had (y/n)." changbin said it clearly and it took me by surprise because i wasn't expecting compliments this early and i got really embarrassed by those kinds of comments. they filled my soul but i never knew how to answer them. 

"even now looking at you, you grow more and more every day." minho mumbled and i still caught every word of his in my ear. it was truly wonderful seeing your elders appreciate you in such a moving way.

this is when the questions start so i prepared myself and i try to rethink what i went through.

"so as you all know, due to that interview with le sserafim, i was a hybe trainee. i spent most of my early teenage years training and made a lot of friends that i miss a lot these days but i hope to see someday." i took a deep breath 'cause even if they weren't completely gone, people just disappeared from my life left to right and i still miss them to this day. "it's insane how different it is from one company to the other but i left hybe with the best memories that i could and i made that decision myself."

"why did you decide to leave?" seungmin asked and i realized that i never was very clear on why i left, i just said that i had to move out and that jyp was closer. it wasn't so much like that but a bit more complex and i didn't want to sadden the mood that day but right now it felt like the situation was gonna be brought to that.

"i-i don't know exactly what it was. i just made the decision when i was going to debut that i wanted to leave the group because i didn't feel prepared mentally and physically to be an idol, which was a shame because i knew a lot of people wanted to be in my position and i felt like i was letting them down. so i decided to leave hybe and move to a different place." i said bitterly and honestly but with everything i was feeling at that moment. i knew my members right now would understand what i was saying but at the time i remember no one understanding my decision. 

i felt the tears the entire time in my eyes but right now i had let them go as they flowed through my cheeks. i grabbed a little tissue that jeongin was handing me and whispered a "thanks innie" as i wiped them away.

"what you did was incredibly brave. you put yourself first and what you needed at the time was that. i know it might be hard looking back and thinking that but for a reason you ended up here with us and i think we wouldn't be complete without you." chan said as he patted my back and i just gave him a little smile. it brought me back to where i was, with my friends, well more like my family.

"when i decided to get back to the idol life and back to my dream, i knew i had to go somewhere else. i just felt like i needed to start over again for me and for everyone to see that i could still do it. so i ended up at the competition with all of you and unfortunately got eliminated but then returned and since then i did not look back." i said smiling as everyone cheered and looked at me with a spark in their eyes. all i ever wanted was to make my members' proud and i felt like i was achieving that.

"you really did bring our joy when you came back (y/n), it wasn't easy without you. also felix and minho coming back was one of the best decisions!" jisung added as minho hit him in the shoulder for forgetting them but it just made me laugh. i sighed as i looked around and held hyunjin's hand still in mine.

"i just feel like it wasn't over, it never was. maybe i misread things at the time that i left but if it wasn't for that, i wouldn't have ended up here." i nodded and looked back at everyone. the way they were listening to every word i said was too much because i usually struggle with expressing emotions and saying the right things but i felt like i nailed it this time with how much they were giving me right now.

"i feel like you made the right choice. we wouldn't be having an ace right now if you didn't join back." felix said and i rolled my eyes 'cause i hated when they called me that. 

"two aces, don't forget about me." jisung said winking which made minho hit him again and i couldn't help but laugh again. god i loved this group so much and that wasn't gonna change ever. even right now as i was trying to hold back the tears because that conversation meant so much to me, they still managed to make me laugh every time that i needed it.

"i feel like i've said everything i have to say. stop showing pictures and videos of me please, i beg you." i said and what did they do? show more pics of pre debut me. 

"the fact that i've got most of these saved speaks volumes of me." hyunjin said, which made me drop his hand and look at him in disbelief. "it's blackmail because you have pictures of me as a baby!".

these are the discussions that are held on the dorms on a day to day basis. but either way, i wouldn't change it for anything in the world and i couldn't believe that i was brought to such a beautiful situation where i would meet my family, my friends, the ones that i would spend the rest of my days with if i could. everything felt on it's right place like i hoped it would and i could not be more thankful.

[roseastralis]

✦ — YOUR BLOODIED BLADE II A TRIP TO MEMORY LANE.

blade x gn!reader

✦ summary ; you were willing to do anything he asked, you were used to it. so when he asked you to meet him in stargazer navalia, you obliged. when you arrived, what awaited you there was not blade, but a group of cloud knights sent to arrest you on a crime you did not at all dare commit—soon realizing that blade pinned his crime on you.

✦ info ; backstory of blade and reader from your bloodied blade part one, gn!reader

✦ warnings ; toxic relationship, sensitive topics, mentions of murder and death

✦ author's note ; part 2!! focusing on the backstory this chap so that u know the history. i'm well aware ren is not blade's real name, it's his chinese name. but let's pretend it is for now... also planning to make part 3 tbh

✦ masterlist | part one | part two

It was a restless night, you could not sleep at all, not after what happened in the Stargazer Navalia earlier. Your injuries caused by Blade took a toll on you, making it difficult for you to lay in any position that you almost considered sleeping while standing instead. The recent events that occurred just a few hours back played throughout your mind constantly—and you were annoyed that all you could think about was Blade. Fatigue hits you soon enough, shutting your eyes instantly as you try to get some rest. 

— ✦

“Meet me in the navalia later.” Blade said nonchalantly, hugging you from behind as you sheath your sword. “The usual spot?” You inquire, smiling as you kiss his chin. “Of course.”

“Don't tell me we're going to spar again. Give it up Rèn, I don't want to hurt you again. Sometimes, I think to myself that you're losing on purpose just so I could personally treat your wounds.” You state, sighing as you fix his messy hair from covering his sight.

“No, it's important.” He grabs your hand and interlocks his fingers with yours, as worry hits your face. “Whatever you say, Rèn. I’ll meet you there.”

— ✦

Strange, it was awfully silent when you arrived. Not a single sound could be heard, aside from the harsh winds of the late night. He told you specifically to meet you here, was he running late? Just then, you heard footsteps approaching. It didn't sound like it was coming from one direction—no. It was from multiple people, and it was only a matter of time when you were surrounded by multiple cloud knights with their spears pointed to you.

“If you do not want to make this difficult for you, then stand down and drop your weapon. You're coming with us.” A cloud knight shouted, raising his spear to point at you.

What? Under arrest? Thoughts clouded your mind and you found yourself being apprehended by one of the cloud knights, and you couldn't do anything about it, nothing. 

— ✦

There you were, sitting across from him—hands chained and head down low. Rèn, whose new identity is now Blade—had the face to visit you in this rotting prison and had the audacity to ask how you were doing. You hated how his eyes showed no emotion, how his face had no remorse. If only you could break free from the chains restraining you, then he would have been dead by now.

“(Name) Just listen to me.” Rèn—no, not Rèn. Blade said, sitting across from you and eyeing your frail figure. “Listen? Oh my dear Blade, the nerve you have to order me to listen to a single word you’re going to let out from that mouth of yours.” He raised his eyebrows, surprised at your sudden attitude. This was going nowhere.

“It’s sweet of you to visit me here in this place that you put me in. I have suffered long enough because of you. It's hard to believe that the man I fell in love with would betray me of all things. Aeons, maybe all of this was fake in the first place.” You spat, rage evident on your face. Thank goodness that both of you were given privacy, and that no one could interrupt you, and no one could hear the venom reeking off your tongue.

“I trusted you, I loved you, and I dedicated my whole life to you—but I never meant it like this. You’re cruel, you’re evil, you’re a monster who only cares about their own gains and won’t hesitate to throw someone into the dust for their own satisfaction.”

“I can help you escape—I’ll do anything (Name). Just tell me what to do and I will do it all for you.” 

“I don’t need your help, and I don’t need your pity. What’s done is done.” 

“(Name). I’m giving you a chance to be with me again—”

“Be with you? Hah, you’ve lost your mind Blade. Answer me this. Have you ever wondered who took the lives of the Lan family? The family, who was always so kind—so humble. Who, in their final moments, smiled up at the person who just reaped their souls—to take care of themselves? Tell me Blade, because I know that it certainly was not me.”

Blade’s face lit up in horror. “How did you—”

“Tell me, who was it?”

“...(Name), please—”

“Who paid for your sins. Who had to rot in jail, just for you to live free as a bird with no guilt carried on your back? I’ve had enough, Blade. Years and years of endless torture is what I had to endure—and yet you, the person responsible for all of this, had the nerve to pin the Lan family murders on someone else. Not just someone else actually—their own lover, the one who loved him endlessly. Yet you took them for granted, and now you are right here, sitting face to face with the one person you betrayed.”

— ✦

You woke up from your nightmare, beads of sweat covering your entire forehead as you continuously gasped for air. You were horrified—as you did not expect for your memories to come flooding back to you. This was the first time you ever dreamt about the incident, despite it being on your mind everyday. You didn’t think it would have such an impact on you, but after your encounter with Blade—you knew that you wanted to seek him out again.

The night was cold, and you were shivering more than usual until you realized that your window was wide open. You sigh, standing up from your bed. As soon as you close the window, something catches your sight. You slowly open the window again, only to find a bouquet of red spider lilies wrapped with dark blue paper and tied with a red knot.

Of course he did. Flowers, it was always on rare occasions that Blade would hand you a bunch of nicely wrapped flowers—usually consisting of roses or chrysanthemums. But that was long ago, and you did not expect this at all. What weirded you the most though, was the fact that he sent spider lilies. Of all flowers he could choose from, he had to choose the ones that were hardest to find. 

You gulped, face flooded with worry. Not only did he send spider lilies, of all things—you remembered that spider lilies symbolize final goodbyes, or even worse—death. That was what he told you before, once when you asked him if he liked flowers. Examining the bouquet, you saw a small note card shoved deep into the stems of the flowers. Your eyes widened slightly as you read it out loud.

“I will always protect you.”

reblogs are deeply appreciated !!

✦ those who asked for part two / to be tagged for part two :)) @rennieeeees | @jnyuan | @enviouspeanut

[dr-spectre]

man i saw your last two posts and i wanted to tell you, you're not cringe, and you're not unlovable

i've had like, one full conversation with you going back and forth on both shared and unshared interests and it had a profound effect on me at the time

I need to unlearn shame, i need to be more open with what i fixate on and what i'm doing (and also the realization i'm definitely on some kind of spectrum), from one chat with someone *loud and proud* like you, how fucking crazy is that?

I hardly know you personally, but it's not hard to gauge how awesome you are, in face of your perceived faults, several of which i share myself, you yap so much but you're so genuine and passionate i and pretty much everyone who sticks here loves to read it, it never gets old, it never gets annoying

you put your whole pussy into innocuous little things about the subject matter, and it's a wonderful thing

you can find friends, you can find love, and you deserve both of those things

this is a little long but it's sentiments i've had for awhile now but no good opportunity to share......

I.... I..... WHA.

WHAT DO I EVEN SAY TO THIS?!?!?! YOU CAN'T DROP THIS IN MY INBOX LIKE THAT!!!

LISTEN... ITS JUST.... I aint awesome!!! Im some 20 year old autistic dude who's too obsessed with a squid woman! How's that awesome!!?!?!? I haven't made an impact on anything... not on the community... not on inkipedia... not on anyone... I have 300 followers... that's nothing...

...or have i?!?! There's no way I could have had an impact on someone... hell even SEVERAL PEOPLE! I just overanalyse stuff that seems so cut and dry but... people are actually positive about my stuff? People say to me that I changed the way they see this important character to me.... BUT THERE'S NO WAY RIGHT?!?!? I still feel like a drop in the ocean. Just a spec of dust!!! I haven't made real change yet... OR HAVE I?! I DON'T KNOW!!! WAAAHHHH!!!

Maybe.... maybe if I have changed one person's perspective, then maybe it was worth it in the first place...

You know. I wanna say that the reason I came to tumblr was because my irl friends aren't into Splatoon and my family gives me a meh shoulder shrug to my interest. It was so difficult for me to explain Splatoon to my parents when Splatoon 3 came out and I picked up the game at launch! So I went here because I felt like it was the best place to express myself. And yeah I'm glad I stuck with it honestly.

I get why my irl friends aren't into Splatoon, they need to buy a multi hundred dollar console that's about to get replaced soon just to play 2 games. And trying to explain to them Nintendo Wii U and Switch emulation is just... I dont even wanna attempt that HAHAHAHA!!!! So I often felt lonely and it felt like I was screaming into a void when talking about Splatoon to them in a discord server. I guess that's where my sense of loneliness comes from.....

I genuinely have NO ONE in real life to talk to about my interests and have someone ACTUALLY listen. I guess that's why I feel cringe and not cool at all. My interests are so nerdy and I'm on the spectrum, my social skills are like D tier. I genuinely cannot talk about myself, i really cant. Its why i have never been in a romantic relationship before.... As a 20 year old dude, that shit fucking stings I'm not even gonna lie. I think about that shit every day. LITERALLY EVERY DAY I'M NOT LYING!!!!

But anyways, I'm getting way too personal on the internet. I don't wanna be some sad sap.

Thank you. Seriously, thank you. I'm not sure if I truly feel like I deserve love but. Thank you anyways. I guess it is a good quality to have that I can ramble and yap and become really focused on something, even if it's not adult things like... getting a job, paying taxes or whatever HAHAHAHA!

[trashlie]

ILY FP 231

ALRIGHTY KIDS WHO’S READY FOR STALKYOO WEEKEND WHO’S READY FOR ME TO TALK NONSTOP ABOUT ILY AND TENSION AND FEELINGS AND EXECUTION AND SUBTEXT I’M RARING TO GO picture me frothing at the mouth rattling the bars of my cage because that’s been me and that WILL remain me! 

Look I’m about to choke out 246 different posts but I’m going to do my best to try to keep this one on topic... but we know how I get so uhhhh. Brace yourselves lmao 

This episode is just CATNIP for me, and I know I keep saying that but forgive me, everything we’ve been getting in these arcs is jus tailor-made, it’s the stuff I feast on, it’s got me scurrying up walls like a lil lizard chewing on the rafters shrieking like a banshee. I am FED and I am addicted and I WANT MORE!!!!!!! 

Nana + Shinae is just unhinged chaos I was completely unprepared for and getting to see them play out more in this episode is a HOOT. I say this with affection, but I am SO GLAD she’s not MY grandma cos WOW I, too, would be so embarrassed. (Actually she reminds me a lot of my mom, pls understand the embarrassment I have endured at her hand!) Shinae and Nana bonding over their mutual dislike for Rand was SO funny - like oh shit wait you don’t like that old geezer OR that witch? Oh you have TASTE (also there’s a subtle little... dig if we want to call it that “Oh I like this one” [eyes]). All the while Nol just sits by watching with that EXPRESSION LMAO 

In fact, all of Nol’s expressions are SO funny and SO good! I cannot get over his deeply mortified blushing when Nana called the headband his “comfort headband” and pretty much aired that he was so upset that he was fiddling with it lmao LIKE COME ON (BUT ALSO HER INSINUATIONS? NANA U NASTY FREAK LMAOOOOOOO implying he’d done something unholy with it I SIMPLY CANNOT) His expression as he fucking!!! Throws!!!!! His blanket over her with his lil eye buggin out? PURE COMEDY I LOVE IT 

But obviously the meat and potatoes of this episode is the Shinae Nol confrontation - and the elephant in the room. Nol says so much while saying so little - the subtext is off the charts and it’s INSANE to me that they are just.... confessing between the lines lmao 

Let me get this out of the way, my favorite point to yell about: Nol cannot resist Shinae. He tries and he always fails. He is so weak in the face of her - and now he finally understands why. She doesn’t seem to realize it, but she manages to elicit truth out of him, she keeps him rooted to the spot. He’ll purposefully distance himself from her - angle away, sit away - but he still ends up angled in towards her, drawn in. She gets to him in a way that, as far as we can tell, no one else can. It’s what made it so difficult for him to actually part with her - why he stumbled and clutched her before he finally snipped the cord, why he had to block her and when she got around that (her message in his spam) he had to drown it out with alcohol. Her gravitational pull on him is so great and he is now aware of it. 

I think he did have every intention to talk to her. Maybe he wasn’t going to be as open as we hope. He seemed like he wanted to at least try to clear something up. But his tune completely changed after she brought up Dieter, after she made him realize that Dieter saw it all, that he knew what Nol knows. Ngl I find this simultaneously funny and frustrating because it DOES put them in such a precarious position and Shinae is just SO unaware of it yet!!!! 

Nol knows that when it’s just them, things cease to matter. It’s the way he phrases things - like how he talks about when they thought everyone was asleep, because it was that cloak of secrecy that allowed him to be so bold. It was the belief that the whole world was asleep and they were alone in their bubble, no thoughts, nothing else, acting on their whims. He knows he made a move on her, and he knows it was intentional, and it would never have happened if Dieter and Soushi were awake. But that’s the thing about when Nol is alone with Shinae - he seems to forget everything else. She disarms him and he acts on his whims. 

The range of his expression is so good here - going from guarded and cautious to the moment he’s putting the dots together and he closes his eyes and screws up his face. Nol isn’t an asshole - he knows what Dieter must be feeling, what it must be like to have witnessed that, to listen in on that. Shinae may not have processed how loaded it was, but Nol can see it easily from Dieter’s perspective. 

And here’s the thing about Dieter, too. He’s not a fool, he knows what he’s up against. I don’t mean it in that he’s competing with Nol, really, but we know he compares his relationship with Shinae to other peoples’ relationships with her. We’ve seen him voice his insecurity to Minhyuk - that he doesn’t have with her what Nol does. When he told Shinae she loves Nol, he obviously meant it as a friend, the way he does - but I still think he was voicing a fear that he already had in his heart. Like Nol, though, Dieter isn’t good at resisting Shinae, and he lets his hope build up when he knows better. Dieter knew he was playing with fire. 

That doesn’t make it hurt any less, though - to basically have it confirmed almost behind your back. Dieter can see it for what it was - not just the way Nol was acting, the way he looked at her, the way he literally put the moves on her lol but it was the way she received it, the way she flusters under his gaze. It was how she stayed at his side the whole time, how her concern for him outshines her need for sleep or food. 

Nol’s guilt is SO strong, it permeates this episode, but I think it’s also very much twisted with his fear. It’s easier to use the guilt, to frame around that, because in his mind he fucks things up all the time, he makes things worse, his existence creates more problems. I love that Shinae calls him out on the fact that it’s not his fault that his plan to get her and Dieter together didn’t work because it’s true. While he’s not wrong to some degree - pushing Dieter and Shinae to be friends does kind of prolong the pain, at the end of the day, they all make their choices. Dieter chose to collect those moments with Shinae knowing they were supposed to be strictly platonic, everything as friends. Shinae still chose to confide in him, to open up, to let him in. Just because Nol pushed the friendship it doesn’t mean they had no agency in the matter. 

But obviously the real issue is not that he pushed them, that it draws out the pain for Dieter. It’s that he did all of that and in the end, he was the one who hurt him the most. It wasn’t that Shinae didn’t reciprocate - it was that Nol has feelings, too. 

Now, I want to make a point here that I’m sure we’re all on the same page about. No one is really “at fault” here. It’s not like anyone has done anything wrong. Sure we can argue that Shinae has gotten Dieter’s hopes up unintentionally. Sure we can argue that liking someone your friend likes is bad. But human feelings are messy and don’t exist in a vacuum of good vs bad. The whole thing about dibs is so gross in general - it denies someone agency and instead rests on those who like them. Is Nol a bad friend for falling for someone his friend also likes? Is Shinae a bad person for falling for the friend of the guy who likes her? Obviously there are things that need to be cleared up - she needs to sort out her feelings for them, but the point remains. No one is at fault. 

But that doesn’t mean Nol won’t feel guilty, won’t feel like an asshole for finding a new way to hurt the people he cares about. 

I know this sounds crazy but I kind of lmao like the way he told Shinae she needs to go, that “You can’t be here alone with me any longer.” 

Nol has acknowledged his role in this. He acknowledges the way he deliberately hurt Dieter, even though it wasn’t his intention. And what’s more is what he’s not saying - the subtext. That she can’t be alone with him because they will continue to say and do things that will hurt Dieter, that will create more pain. Nol knows how easily Shinae can disarm him if he’s not vigilante. All it takes is her bringing him ease again, him falling back into that comfort, forgetting the rest of the world, acting on it again. 

There’s something that feels so urgent about it? Intense? That she NEEDS to go because he doesn’t have the willpower any more. That he’s trying REALLY HARD to be a good person, a good friend, but it’s so difficult. He says it every which way besides with words, and if you read between the lines he’s practically screaming it out loud. 

I actually think he’s handling it pretty well, even if it doesn’t clear things up for Shinae in the moment. He’s acting on Dieter’s behalf - but also on his own. And hers. Shinae needs to come to the conclusion he has and it’s not for him to tell her. Part of why it’s so easy for Shinae to let herself feel that way with Dieter is because she knows he likes her. He’s safe and comfortable. Had he never confessed would she think anything of the way he looks at her? Would she think anything of the comfort he brings her? But because she knows, it has affected her view. I don’t say that like it’s a bad thing, because we all respond to people based on how they feel about us, I think. But if Nol were to speak those words out loud, if he were to tell her “it’s because I like you!” how would it make her feel? Would it influence what she thinks about him? Surely it would! 

Nol is trying to get Shinae to come to the same realization he has, and more so, he’s trying to get her to be clear about her feelings. Do you like me or not? Do you act this way with everyone? He sees the way she gets flustered, he knows the effect he’s got on her. He’s probably sure she reciprocates those feelings and hasn’t figured it out yet - but there’s still a shadow of a doubt. There’s still the fact that maybe he’s reading into it, maybe he’s seeing something that isn’t there. Maybe she’s someone who cares about him and he’s misread it because he’s so desperate to matter to someone, anyone. 

Look we all know better, but we also know how doubts persist! 

There’s so much ANGST but it’s SO good! It’s not angst for the sake of angst, it’s not drawing something out just to make the story last. Nol’s expressions cause me PAIN, Shinae’s make me ACHE. He feels like a guilty asshole, he wants her to go, but he can’t even look at her and say it - he looks away, his mouth set in that way holding back all the things he believes he should not say. Honestly they are so good at hurting each other ;______; it hurts ME, too! 

But also, I get it. I’m with Nol here. How can he bear to look at her when he’s pushing her away again? How can he bear to look at her when it’s all his fault (according to him). He can’t even look at her when he tells her Dieter was awake the whole time. It’s such a loaded statement but unfortunately it doesn’t QUITE land because Shinae can’t quite grasp the significance. 

Actually this whole part is both so funny and so unbearable to me lmao because Nol is all but saying that Dieter oversaw them having a very non-platonic moment and she’s like i don’t get it why’s that a big deal LMAOOOOOO ;____; Nol is going THROUGH it okay! She keeps insisting that it meant nothing, that it’s just friends, what’s wrong with that. And Nol can’t come out and say the truth - that it looked romantic that it felt romantic, that he meant all of it and that’s why it’s so wrong. The whole time he’s trying to get her to understand WHY that hurts Dieter and she’s just hurting him at the same time LMAO OUCH 

I LOVE those panels where we can’t see their faces - where it’s Nol’s frustration and anguish that she doesn’t get it, that he’s trying, that he feels awful because of course those feelings are still there why wouldn’t they be. His frustration, the faint lines on Shinae’s face. 

Maybe it’s there at the back of her mind - something faint, something distant. Maybe for a moment she understands what Nol isn’t saying, the implications of what Dieter oversaw, overheard. But if it, she doesn’t acknowledge it at all. 

Nol’s hand over his face in frustration, that panel where we close in on his eye and Shinae says “You’re not intentionally trying to hurt him!” But... he is. Maybe he doesn’t want to hurt Dieter - but he IS intentionally doing things that hurt him. And he still wants to! That’s the thing, that’s why he needs her to go. It’s so easy to fall into that, to act on that, to forget Dieter exists and instead indulge a little. It may not be his intention to hurt Dieter, but it’s his intention to do things that WOULD hurt him, and she doesn’t get it. 

But GOD lmao the way she just starts to rub salt in the wound!!!!! “Whatever he thinks is just a misunderstanding. There’s NOTHING going on here!” 

In ILY universe, nothing is always Nol. There is Nol going on here. 

And look, I feel for him here, a LOT. This must be SO hard!!!! Not just the pushing her away, not just knowing he hurt Dieter, but having this whole conversation, her not getting it, her taking a moment that clearly meant SO MUCH to him and saying it meant nothing. Again, there’s so much that is LOADED when she says “We’re all friends here!” and he says that resolute “No”, his eyes hidden from us, his hands firm on the wheelchair. 

Shinae misconstrues it as no, we aren’t all friends, but what Nol means is that no it’s not just friends. It’s two different people who like her a lot. It’s knowing he acted on something that hurt his friend. That moment wasn’t platonic, wasn’t just friendship - not for him. Clearly she’s unready to see it, but he knows it. No. We’re not friends here - we are people who like you so very much. 

GOD, THE ANGST, THE ANGUISH. I AM SWINGING FROM THE RAFTERS I’M HOOTING. 

I LOVE the moment he says he can’t take this - he can’t keep having this conversation, can’t take being shut down like this, can’t handle her downplaying a significant moment. If she wants to tell herself it was nothing but to keep reiterating it to him? Unbearable! But also I LOVE that Shinae stands her group and puts her foot down, I love her calling him out because like I get it! I understand both of them. She’s had no time to process any of this, all she knows is she wants him to stop pushing her away, she wants him to stop boxing her out, she wants him to be OPEN. 

In a way, they are fighting for the same thing, but they keep obstructing each other. They want the same thing but they’re speaking in different languages. He WANTS her to see it - that it wasn’t a platonic moment, that he meant it that it matters that their fingerprints are all over it. He wants her to see what Dieter saw. She wants him to show himself, to open up, to stop hiding, to be vulnerable. They are trying SO HARD to get the same thing, but they just keep butting heads and getting in each others’ way. 

AND WHEN SHE TELLS NOL THAT SHE’S NOT NOT INTERESTED IN DATING DIETER? OH MY /GOD/ lmao alkjfkjafkjafkjafkjja alfjakfjj SHRIEKS 

Not ONLY has she basically downplayed this whole romantic moment, downplayed whatever is transpiring between them but she goes on to say SHE’S NOT NOT INTERESTED IN DIETER?! LMAOOOOOOOOO Again I reiterate no one is at fault here!!!!!! But lmaooooo the OUCHIES of this whole conversation! Isn’t it bad enough that she says it was nothing it doesn’t mean anything, and then she goes on to be like I mean i don’t totally NOT not like him idk..... LMAO 

He’s clearly frustrated both in trying to get her to understand what he isn’t voicing, but also because he seems like such a resolute person? Or at least, he tries to be. I assume it’s kind of like... he realized he likes her and that’s it. It’s not that he thinks he might like her, it’s not that he might have some feelings. He knows he’s all in, all feelings, all eyes on her. And she appears so wishy washy - flirting with him but doesn’t acknowledge it, unintentionally stringing Dieter along and igniting that hope. 

And the thing is she isn’t doing any of this maliciously. She’s tried to be clear with Dieter! It’s not her fault that he keeps getting his hopes up. She’s had no time to process her feelings for Nol, has had no experiences to compare any of this to. I love this conversation between them because it illuminates how little Shinae knows about feelings, about love, about romance. She hasn’t let anyone in in a long time, has guarded herself so tightly, and now that she has, how is she to understand the ways they affect her, what their significance means? 

It’s easy to see why she keeps trying to box her feelings about Nol into a box they don’t fit. Of course she cares, of course she worries, that’s what friends do. It’s not that she cares, though - it’s why. Does she care as a friend or does she care as something else? That’s what he’s trying to get her to answer - and I think he got close. But she needs to distance herself from the night, too. She needs to dwell on those feelings - and not just the intensity of trying to hang on to him, but the other feelings, too. The butterflies, the fluttering, the fluster, the way she can’t meet his gaze, the way she starts to fluster if he looks at her for too long. 

Someone said that Shinae is practically confessing to Nol and doesn’t even realize it and my god they’re right lmao. The way Shinae argues back that she knows Nol didn’t like it when she left after they danced, that she knows he was bummed, can you really throw all that away what we’ve been through, how effortless we are? lmao SHE REALLY JUST. Goes on saying it!!! AND SHE DOESN’T RECOGNIZE IT FOR WHAT IT WAS. 

(I mean she did a whole damn love soliloquy in front of Minhyuk for Nol so like. It’s been an all night thing lmao) 

Also it hurt when Nol admits that Dieter doesn’t have that with Shinae - not even as her friend. Even if she does not not want to date him, even if a part of her DOES like him - does it compare to what she feels about Nol? Does it compare to what he means to her? He can’t look her in the eye, and even as she tries to play it off, to say hey all friendships are different does it really matter SHE can’t meet his eye. 

Consciously Shinae may not be aware of it but on some level she must know. On some subconscious level, that ghost of a thought passes by, a faint wave of shame. She doesn’t share with Dieter what she shares with Nol. It’s true that there’s something there, but it’s something she’s avoiding, something she consciously cannot face yet. 

BUT LISTEN, MY GOD. NOL ASKING HER WHY SHE CARES /SCREAMS JUST SCREAMS ALJKFKJAFJKAFLJ AFJALJJAF AFJAKFJFA

He’s pushing!!!!!!!!!!!

I love that Nol is a ball of contradiction. He wants Shinae to acknowledge what he isn’t saying out loud, he wants her to realize that it means something to him, that there are feelings, that it’s not platonic, and he wants her to acknowledge so she understands why he’s pushing her away. But I think he also wants her to admit it herself. Confirm what he suspects. She fights SO hard but she can’t say why. She cares so much but she can’t elaborate. 

Convince me. 

LKJFKJAF LAJFKAJFA F /SCALES THE WALLS PARKOURS ACROSS ALL THE ROOFS IN THE NEIGHBORBOOD. 

He knows. HE KNOWS. Convince him he’s wrong. Convince him it’s not what he thinks. Convince her that her extent of care of need her desperate desire to keep hold of him to make him show himself to her to be vulnerable with him is platonic. Convince him. 

AND SHE CAN’T!!!!!!!!! 

Again, she averts her gaze! Again, she flusters and blushes. Again he disarms her just by looking at her and he takes advantage of the moment to finally kick her out. 

GOD WHAT AN EPISODE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I JUST WANNA BARK BARK BARK WOOOOF RLKJJKJ RRRRGGHHR RRRRHGHGHG LDKJC YIP YIP YIP 

IT’S SO GOOD. THE SUBTEXT, THE EXPRESSIONS, THE DANCE AROUND THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, THE ANGST, THE EMOTIONS. 

And no matter which standpoint you look at it from it’s just GOOD. 

Nol feels guilty, like an asshole, he has hurt his friend. But more than that - it’s how he knows he can’t be alone with her, how he knows he can’t stop himself any more from acting on what he wants. He needs to PHYSICALLY remove her because that’s how little resistance he has, because that’s how much she gets to him, how much she affects him. It’s the way it hurts to have this conversation - where if he says the words out loud it makes them real and it becomes a weight she has to carry. If he can make her reach the conclusion on her own, maybe it won’t be so bad. He won’t have to deal with the pain if she doesn’t reciprocate - if she comes to the right conclusion and keeps her distance. If he says them out loud and she has to turn him down? He can’t handle that he can’t bear it. But at the same time, every time she denies that their shared moment meant nothing, that the way he looked at her, the way he treated her (HOW HE TOUCHED HER?????) was just platonic to him???? HOW CAN HE BEAR TO ENDURE THAT CONVERSATION?! 

And it’s not that it means nothing - she just needs the space and time to process it, to really play out what happened. I think, too, on some level she IS subconsciously repressing it. Isn’t it scary? Especially because Nol is a person who comes and goes, who pushes her away and then shares these intense moments and then shoves her away again. What good is it to acknowledge what he means when she can barely keep a hold on him as a friend, when she can barely make him understand his significance. Nol and Dieter both are such good friends to her, people she can rely on, people who make her feel safe. Sure Nol may not make her feel secure all the time lmao but when it’s just them, when they’re lost in that little world, for the moment, he does. It’s scary, to think of losing any of that. All the relationships she’s ever been privy to have fallen apart. There’s no photos, no memories of her family as a whole unit. She’s seen what Rand and Yui look like. She’s got no experience of her own, and now that she has friends she loves so much, she’s too afraid to lose them. 

How can she begin to dissect what Nol means to her when it makes him feel more fleeting? How can she begin to understand what exists between them is romantic when she’s never really witnessed a healthy successful romance exist?

The thing that makes friends to lovers SUCH a good trope, and why I love it SO MUCH is the stakes, the risk vs the payout. What if you take that step and it all goes wrong? What if you mess it up and you lose someone who is SO important to you, someone who means so much? What if all goes wrong and you can’t put it back together and you make something beautiful all wrong by getting your fingerprints on it and chipping the corners? You start to fear even the possibility because sure it could go well - but if it goes bad you lose it ALL. Everything. 

But what is life if you don’t take some risks? Can you live with that regret, if you never take a chance, if you miss out on something you wanted? 

That’s the thing about Dieter, isn’t it? He knows the risks. He knows he’s playing with fire, knows he doesn’t quite have with Shinae what Nol does. But he still tries. He still lets his unwavering hope go, even if it hurts him. He can’t ever say he has any regrets because he’s given it his all. Sure, it hurt a LOT and it’s going to, until he gets over her and can find a way to move on, but at least he tried. At least he made the effort and can say that he did his best. 

It’s funny that Nol and Shinae stand in that place. She’s doing her best, she’s making an effort so she can’t regret not trying - but she just can’t see the full picture, can’t acknowledge WHY she’s fighting WHY she’s pushing. But Nol is the other part of it, the understanding, but also fear. It’s not just Dieter that stops him. If she continues to deny that it means anything, if she continues to say it was nothing.... that hurts. It’s bad enough to have feelings - but for the person you like to deny them? GOD. ;A; 

At this point there’s a lot of conversations that need to be had, and i think I’m looking forward to (hopefully?!) seeing Nol and Dieter talk it out. I think as much as Dieter is hurt, I can’t see him as the kind of person who would stand in the way of his friends happiness. If they make each other happy, who is he to tell Nol to back off or something? Shinae is a person with agency who can make her own choices and if she comes to a realization that she reciprocates Nol’s feelings well.... he can’t really stop her just because she doesn’t like him. He’s not an incel alkfkjafjaf lmao I don’t think it’s the kind of thing that would make him hate either of them. 

I’ve said it before but Dieter loves Nol, too, so he can understand why Shinae would fall for him. And likewise, as a person who likes Shinae, I’m sure he can understand how Nol would unintentionally fall. There’s a lot that’s happened between Nol and Shinae that Dieter doesn’t know about - the things that draw them together, that make them reach out to one and other. I think he can probably get that sense - there’s just SOMETHING ELSE there that isn’t with him and Shinae. 

I like to think Dieter might encourage Nol, or at the very least perhaps tell him to stop pushing people away. That one of these days he’ll push and she won’t come back and can he really live with that? While Dieter doesn’t know as much as Shinae, he at least seems to have the sense that there’s a profound depth to Nol, that there’s a lot of pain (as evidenced between him and Kousuke) and that his life hasn’t been as easy as Yeonggi made it look, so maybe he, too, will what it means for Nol to open up, to really truly fall for someone who feels the same as him. Who is he to deny their happiness, just because it makes him hurt? 

On the other hand, a part of me dreads Dieter and Shinae talking because WHEW BOY we know it’s going to hurt either way it goes. Will she deny her feelings about Nol, try to continue to write them off as friendship because it scares her, because she’s so afraid of losing him that she’s willing to swallow them down, because she doesn’t want it to get in the way? Even if she did, Dieter would see through it. I think now that he’s seen it, really seen it at play, he knows he can’t keep pretending. That’s why he’s distanced himself. If she were to try to play the card that it meant nothing wouldn’t he get more upset that she’s lying? God it just feels like a painful conversation ;___; And if she’s honest with him, if she sets him straight that she should have been clearer, that she hurt him, it just makes it hurt more AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH 

JUST AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

All that said, I love how good of a subversion of “why does my kokoro go dokidoki”. It’s not that Shinae is naïve - it’s that she’s inexperienced and scared. It’s that she hasn’t had the time to process, it’s that she has this mix of feelings that she’s had no time to sort them out and untangle them. For so long she held people at arm’s length and now her heart is too full! And because it’s subverting that trope, I don’t think we’ll see it drawn out for a terribly long time, and she’ll put on her big girl pants and try to make it right. Right now she’s afraid to rock the boat. She’s been hurt so many times by people, she doesn’t want to be the one who hurts others, she doesn’t want to be the one who inflicts pain. But I think when she realizes the truth, she’ll realize that trying to ignore it causes more pain, drawn out. That’s what Nol is getting at. That as long as she doesn’t definitively have feelings, it only hurts. It drags out Dieter’s pain every time he thinks there’s a chance. It drags out Nol’s pain, that she can’t sort out the feelings. 

I love so much that Shinae cares about peoples’ feelings - especially because in the beginning she so badly wanted to believe she doesn’t care if people think she’s a bitch. She’s so empathetic and caring! But at some point we have to realize that avoiding a problem only makes it worse. It’s so much better to be up front and get it out of the way. Dieter won’t be able to heal until the wound stops getting ripped open. He WILL be okay, he WILL get over. But it won’t happen until she makes things clear. 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 

I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS SO MANY FEELINGS I HAVEN’T EVEN TALKED ABOUT NOL’S RESOLVE BUT I’M SAVING THAT FOR A SEPARATE POST AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS 

[fr0gc4t]

a ramble/confession, and some non-dualism tips

if u seem to already consciously know that ur god AND also think in limiting beliefs, ur not alone. i do it too. it’s way more common than u think.

sometimes we understand a concept and think it’s true, but our egos don’t think in the way that would actually comply with that concept, and that stops us from fully shifting into belief and freeing ourselves from ego. “belief” and “knowing” aren’t always the same thing.

prime example: YOU knowing that ur “desires” r already urs, and then ur ego switching the process completely and being like “so where is it?”. we all know that happens to a lot of ppl in the loa/non-dualism community. the ego is tricky bc its nature is to try and intimidate us. then we slip back into ego-based thinking. happened to me, and is still happening atm. and also i wanna remind ppl that, like healing, awakening to ur true self is often not linear. and that’s totally ok as long as u don’t give up. i was pretty much almost fully realized but then i let my ego get to me again and since then i’ve been trying to get back into that state but just haven’t succeeded at changing my thoughts/improving my self-concept (adhd is making it very difficult).

look. ik it’s kinda weird to have someone post a ramble abt FALTERING at living non-dualism. most of the time, we talk abt the opposite to remind ourselves if our power. but i think it’s important to be open and vulnerable when ur struggling, especially when other ppl could learn from ur struggle.

like i said. not getting i right the first time is OK AND NORMAL. ik ppl say “changing ur self-concept is effortless” but LET’S BE REAL FOR A SEC: that’s not true for everyone, especially neurodivergent/mentally ill ppl, and ppl with intrusive thoughts (i’m all of those, btw), bc our egos r EXTRA spicy.

awakening to ur true self as the god of ur reality is healing, and healing is HARD. in this case, since whatever we are aware of is true, it doesn’t rly have to be, but when u have inner demons, MY GOODNESS IS THIS SHIT DIFFICULT (but still sooo worth it, i promise u).

so good for u if it’s not difficult. really, i’m happy for u. i just also want to bring to light my situation, which is: hearing ppl say “changing ur self-concept is effortless!!” just made it harder to change mine.

I AM NOT TRYING TO SAY ANYONE IS SAYING THESE THINGS MALICIOUSLY. I’M LITERALLY SO HAPPY AND PROUD OF U OMG. i just think that the non-dualism community should be a little more vulnerable, bc FAILING IS NORMAL WHEN TRYING TO CHANGE UR MINDSET, ESPECIALLY FOR PPL LEARNING HOW TO MANAGE NEURODIVERGENCE, MENTALL ILLNESS, TRAUMA, INTRUSIVE THOUGHTS, DEPRESSION, ANXIETY ETC.

AND THAT IS TOTALLY OKAY!!!

i see ppl say things like “i don’t want any limiting beliefs near this page!!!” when limiting beliefs and learning to overcome them r a normal part of this process and should not be shunned, and should rather be met with compassion and understanding. AND SOME PPL DO MEET IT WITH THAT!!! but there r also many who don’t. i understand not wanting to hear ppl’s limiting beliefs in some situations, but not being open to hearing them at all just creates more stigma around being vulnerable abt faltering in this journey and needing some further encouragement or advice. positivity is only good until it becomes toxic positivity. (AGAIN, NOT POINTING FINGERS AT ANY ONE PERSON. I’M TALKING ABT ALL OF US, INCLUDING ME)

my adhd makes it so hard to stick to a new habit long enough to get used to it. and as a result, i have faltered a bit. okay, maybe a little more than a bit. AND THAT IS OKAY. THAT IS NORMAL. THAT IS SOMETHING WE NEED TO TALK ABT MORE.

maybe these stuggles r an “illusion,” but that doesn’t mean we should pretend like we don’t have them. we don’t always have to put on a happy face and go onto tumblr and vaunt to try and fight the intrusive thoughts. if u know anything abt the psychology of intrusive thoughts, FIGHTING THEM DOES NO GOOD. we should accept them and let them be there, knowing that THEY CAN’T HURT US.

even then, they might stress us out. and that’s when we might need to vent. and venting is NOT a bad thing. sometimes it’s the only way i can cool off. but instead of venting into ppl’s inboxes, we should make our own posts, like this one, in constructive language (i suggest writing the angry/anxious stuff first in ur notes, then, when ur calm, rewriting it in a constructive sense and posting it on tumblr). we need more openness to sharing our struggles. mental health struggles r sooo real (even if our human minds r illusions), and we need to make the non-dualism/loa community a safe place to talk abt those struggles and see if anyone can relate, or maybe used to relate and has adivice.

being gentle and open to this conversation is just as important as affirming that we have what we desire. bc, well, if u have the struggle i have, or something similar, u know how difficult it is. hell, i even thought abt going back to loa and trying to get into the void instead of keeping on my non-dualism path bc i thought it would be easier(???) and now i realize that that doesn’t even make sense bc both of these things require improving ur self-concept, which is what i was trying to avoid.

THAT IS LITERALLY AN EXAMPLE OF THE THING I EXPLAINED AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS POST (which was supposed to be the main topic… i rambled a lot. oops.). i knew that i had to change my self-concept no matter what, yet i thought that getting into the void wouldn’t require that. sometimes the thoughts just don’t add up. and it’s bc of the ego! i actually only became aware of that now actually.

THE EGO JUST WANTS TO CONFUSE U AND TAKE CONTROL OF U. i’m just still letting mine have power over me… but now that i’m aware of it, i can try again, this time with a different perspective.

faltering is normal. not being able to change ur thoughts the first time is normal. having this kind of weird cognitive dissonance is NORMAL. THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO NOT GIVE UP, AND SUPPORT EACH OTHER.

you failed to change ur mindset and ended up spiraling? needing a break from trying to change it? i don’t blame u, this stuff is hard. it’s okay tho! what u need to do now (or when ur ready) is: FORGIVE URSELF AND TRY AGAIN. and don’t be afraid to start the conversation of “can anyone relate to this?” or whatever helps u.

we can do this. we can change our thoughts, even with any obstacles we may face, bc we are stronger than our egos. WE’RE GOD, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!! we can do ANYTHING.

the first step is knowing that faltering is okay. next is realizing that our knowledge of who we are doesn’t always match our thoughts, and that that is the nature of our brains. the next step is forgiving ourselves and moving on.

hopefully this rant wasn’t too jumbled or confusing, i kinda just wrote it here without any planning lolz. i need to figure out a format.

and i hope some of u could relate to my struggle. be as open as u want in the replies. i will not judge. if u need to make ur own little rant, it’s fine by me.

also, sorry for being gone for a while. i don’t use tumblr very much anymore. i’m slowly falling away from all apps except pinterest, amazon and depop 😅 but dw, i won’t let myself fall too far. i luv tumblr and the non-dualism and loa community has changed my life and opened my mind in so many ways. even if i haven’t succeeded at getting all my desires quite yet, it’s okay. i will succeed. maybe not right away, but i will. and so will u. (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ*.ﾟ

[soahbee]

I Update one I

Hiii girls!! I'm here with a little update! Let me start by saying that I feel like I'm in a romance / drama novel or something that I'm going to have a difficult time getting out of if this continues. lol

We agreed that we would meet at the center bc he had business there and it didn't really matter to me bc anyway I almost had a heart attack twice while sitting on the bus. :):) I tried to dress nicely, although to be honest my ass almost froze in a skirt, because it was extremely cold today, but you have to do everything to be memorable, u know hihi…

I wrote to him that I was about to be there, and then he sent me the address of which cafe he was waiting in front of, which was actually a few steps away from the center. and oh my goodness girls…when I saw him uhh he was wearing an elegant gray jacket and he was smoking. I couldn't believe that this particular person was waiting for me. Anyway, I rushed over to him quickly, clutching my little gift in my hand, and when he looked at me, I waved at him, and he smiled at me and put out his cigarette. I honestly didn't know how to say hello, bc now we met outside of school and I was very embarrassed. >< But thank God I didn't put myself in an awkward position bc he immediately asked how my journey was and I said that the bus wasn't far, so it was quite good, then I asked what this place was, while I looked into the cute little cafe, which I hadn't been to before.

He said that this is one of his favorite cafes in the center, it's small but not crowded and the cakes are very delicious. So we went in and the whole place was really so cozy, I could still feel the Christmas spirit. The seats were in such a separated u-shape / or in a semi-circular shape (I hope you understand) with a round table, so when I sat down I actually realized that R was quite close to me, bc we were not sitting opposite each other. (adjsweferg)

I tried to hide the fact that I was embarrassed in front of him and immediately started looking at the menu, while he started to tell me so cutely that he was very tired these few days, bc he also had to correct the exam assignments while he was with his family. I also told him that it's not easy to be a teacher, and then I conspicuously shut my mouth. I saw him wear black turtleneck top and OMG his muscles looked really good in him and I think he noticed that I looked at him bc he just grinned at me and asked what was wrong and I just laughed and said that it was nothing. But AHH GIRLS it really looked like I was staring him flirty … my face must have been as red as a tomato LOL kill me

I quickly asked what he would recommend and while we chose cakes and coffee we started talking. He asked me how my Christmas was and while I was telling the story, I noticed several times that he was paying so much attention to me… sometimes I didn't even know what I was saying, bc he was simply mesmerizing me with his eyes. Meanwhile, he was relaxed all the time, as if it was such a natural thing that we meet and you know… this is not fair bc ah I WAS DYING LOL HOW WAS U SO CALM??

Then we got our order, I asked for caramel coffee + apple pie and he asked for plain black coffee + cheese cake. Everything was very delicious and I told him this pie was also very delicious and then I asked how his cheesecake was and he replied: "Its good, would you like to taste it?" (EXCUSEMEEEEE) and me was like a little girl who dont know what to do but i said

"may I taste it?

then he gave me a small piece of it and it was really good, but I don't know what was better, the cake or the fact that it was his cake..😳

and don't get mad girls, but I have to stop updating here, bc honestly a lot happened today, I'm really exhausted and I'm about to fall asleep.😭😭 But I thought I'd give you a quick update and I promise I'll continue tomorrow in another post!!! <3333

[hongcherry]

I saw your post and i thought of smth like one of the members (in my head it's seungkwan but tbh it can be wonwoo) approaches y/n and dino, who at that point have been a long term couple, to ask for advice on getting more intimate with their partner of a couple of months. Y/n & dino suggest role playing and they list some examples which takes them to a tangent of which ones were their favorites which almost goes out of hand until member clears their throat which puts the blushing couple back to reality. Then y/n does a risky move and questions why member even likes the person, which angers said member until they go on a long loving rant, to which y/n just goes ayt mate chill i don't actually have beef w u i just wanted u to realize the PASSION u have which was really just the secret to y/n and chan's loving relationship bc duh who is lee chan if not passionate. And anw said member thanks them and leaves the two alone to get steamy (how much u wanna write is up to u wink wink)

It can even be a two POV thing like u write about chan x reader and another fic for the wonwoo x reader after his convo w the couple, to satisfy your urge to write :> or u could also NOT do it if it doesn't float your boat hehe just thought I'd put it out there :> anw if ever i get out of writer's block and u decide not to do it i might give it a shot (but at this point it is a very big shot in the dark if im even gonna find the inspiration to write it with still having pending WIPs lol)

Anw just came by to drop some crumbs here thank u for ur time i hope you're having a lovely day :>

different roles, same heart || l.c

💗 Pairing: Dino/Chan x Reader (afab)

💗 Rating/Genres/AUs: M(18+); Fluff (no smut but rated M for the context); Established relationship

💗 Warnings: Mentions of roleplaying and past roleplays

💗 Word Count: 1.1k

💗 Author's Note: Awh, thank you for sharing your idea with me!!! Please feel free to still write your own version if/when you feel up to it! Writing's block is a pain in the ass and sometimes difficult to overcome :c I hope you can get past your funk soon! It's a sucky spot to be in. And oof, I have so many WIPs... 🥴 Thank you again, and happy holidays (if you celebrate)!

seventeen masterlist | main masterlist

“Roleplaying?” Seungkwan repeats, eyeing you and Chan with a mix of disbelief and puzzlement.

“Yeah,” Chan nods. “You give each other a role, or character, to be and act out a scenario.”

“I know what it is,” Seungkwan huffs and waves his hand in the air as if to dismiss Chan’s words.

“Why do you seem confused then?” you wonder.

“I just didn’t expect that answer,” Seungkwan replies.

You shrug, leaning into Chan as you both sit on the couch. Seungkwan watches you both from the adjacent seat.

“I mean, you can try toys or different positions, or kinks, but we just found roleplaying to be the most exciting,” Chan explains.

“How so?” Seungkwan asks.

“Well, you can embody roles that normally might be inappropriate in real life, but have a thrilling repute.”

“Like a teacher and a student,” you chime in.

Chan smiles and glances at you. “That was fun, wasn’t it?”

You nod, recalling the time Chan punished you for being a disobedient student.

“Or that one time I was a police officer and you were an inmate,” you continue.

“You looked so sexy with half your uniform on,” Chan murmurs, getting lost in the memory.

“The handcuffs definitely added to it too,” you giggle.

“I liked you in the maid outfit as well. All bent ov—”

Seungkwan clears his throat to stop him.

“I get it,” he says, face slightly red from hearing your stories. “But, isn’t it a little embarrassing to play pretend?”

“It’s only embarrassing if both partners don’t commit to their roles,” you say.

“It did feel a little strange at first, but you get into it really quickly,” Chan reassures.

Seungkwan sounds unsure when he says, “I don’t know.”

You purse your lips in thought and move away from Chan.

“Why do you want to get more intimate with your partner? Why do you like them that much to care?” you ask.

Seungkwan’s silent for a moment, but it seems like it’s not for him to consider the reason. It’s more to calm his nerves before he can get too annoyed.

“How could you even ask that?” Seungkwan scoffs, offended. “We may not have been together as long as you guys, but that doesn’t mean what we have isn’t strong. You act as if you know us better than we know each other. They’ve treated me better than any partner I’ve had before and I can see how much they care about me. And I care about them just as much—maybe even more!”

You chuckle softly. “I never doubted how much you liked them.”

“Then why did you ask those questions?” he frowns.

“Because I wanted you to see it’s the passion that drives the relationship,” you explain sincerely. “It’s not about how sexual you are or the duration of the relationship. It’s about the passion you have for each other.”

You glance at Chan when he’s silent only to find him staring at you with a big smile. You can tell from his eyes how much he loves you. Your heart floods with comforting warmth.

Before you get too lost in Chan, you turn to Seungkwan again.

“Even the most vanilla sex can still be thrilling if there’s passion between people,” you expand.

“I suppose that’s true,” Seungkwan says slowly, digesting your words.

“However, there’s still nothing wrong with wanting to spice things up in the bedroom. Just make sure it’s for the right reason,” you smile.

Seungkwan returns the grin, nodding. “Right.”

Chan leans toward you, wrapping an arm around your waist and giving your temple a loving kiss. It’s as if your words reminded him how much he’s devoted to you.

“Well, I better head out,” Seungkwan says and stands from his seat to make his way to the door.

You and Chan follow suit.

“We hope we helped you,” Chan says, arm around your waist.

“I’m sorry if I made you mad earlier,” you apologize quickly.

Seungkwan waves his hand again, smiling. “I just got ahead of myself. I understand your intention now.”

Chan holds the door open for Seungkwan, watching as his friend stands in the doorway.

“Thank you both,” Seungkwan says.

“Anytime, Kwanie,” you grin.

“And good luck,” Chan winks.

Seungkwan rolls his eyes playfully and gives you both a wave before leaving.

Chan shuts the door, then looks at you.

“What?” you ask, unsure why he’s staring at you quietly.

“You know, when we were recalling our past roleplays,” he begins and grabs your waist to pull you closer. “I kept thinking of new ones.”

“Oh, yeah?” you smile, arms wrapping around his shoulders. Chan’s eyes dart down to your lips briefly.

“I’m thinking you’re one of my tenants, but you haven’t been able to pay the bill for two months,” Chan says.

You listen attentively, heart already beginning to race with the idea.

“So, you’re my landlord?” you ask.

He nods. “And I come by to get the overdue bills, but you still don’t have the money.”

You smile, understanding where he’s going with his scenario.

“You wanna do that now?” you question.

Sometimes, you’ll set a date to act out your roleplays—giving you enough time to get any materials needed or to prepare to be in a certain mindset. However, this one doesn’t appear to need much planning.

Chan shrugs. “I’m okay with that. Are you?”

“I’m more than okay.”

Chan grins and squeezes your hips. You lean in to kiss him, but he keeps you at arm's length.

“You can save that for later,” he says.

You pout but oblige.

“I’m going to get changed then step out for a while,” he explains.

“How long will you be?” you wonder, eager to get started.

Chan chuckles at your restlessness and moves away from you.

“I think it’d be more exciting if I didn’t tell you,” he replies and moves to the bedroom.

Although you try to follow him, he shuts the door on you and locks it.

“Hey!” you whine and wiggle the doorknob. “Channie!”

“Can’t spoil what I’ll wear. Go to the living room and don’t leave until you hear the front door close,” he instructs.

“You know landlords don’t dress fancy, right?” you huff. You can see the appeal in not knowing what he’ll look like but don’t like the idea of waiting any longer.

“It doesn’t matter. If you see me now, it might affect the scene.”

“Fine, I’m going,” you grumble.

“I’ll see you soon, baby,” he calls out sweetly.

“Yeah, okay,” you say as you leave, mouth in a frown.

You know you’re being an impatient baby, but how can you not be when your boyfriend just proposed a sexy new idea and plans to fuck you senseless? 

A/N: There will be a aprt two 🫡

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©️hongcherry // DO NOT REPOST OR MODIFY Please consider reblogging if you liked this work to show your support. Feedback/commentary is always welcomed.

[inkpot909]

Can I get a Spike x raeder

The reader was kind with Spike and all but he didn't need a kid adult like in his team so he was always treating them like..idk "whatever" "ok." "Just leave me alone" and so on

But one day the reader gets in the way of a criminal taking the bullet for Spike and they say "thanks goodness you're ok" while bleeding out and Spike regrets it,he doesn't want them to go away,so he apologizes,saying that he needed them taht he would stop teasing them or treating them bad

They get together in the end :)

U can add as much angst as u want

A/n: Thank you thank you so much for the fun request! I feel awful for not being able to finish it for a while; getting caught up in personal matters. I appreciate the support and truly hope it was worth the wait. Have a lovely day; as well as all others reading. <3

Warning(s): Swearing; brief mentions of blood/canon-typical violence; light angst.

This isn’t how tonight was supposed to go. 

It’s a dreadful thought lingering in the back of Spike Spiegel’s mind. Instead of pulling him away from them, fully in the present where he should be, a ricocheting gunshot nearly grazing across his shoulder only hammers the point home. 

It seems that’s the route most bounties have gone down as of late. Realistically, he knows he shouldn’t even pretend to be surprised anymore. And usually, high-stakes entice him. But tonight was supposed to- no, it had to be different for safety’s sake. That much so was made very apparent.

What was originally meant to be a sneaky, difficult yet rewarding job, has mutated into a public gunfight taking place within a famously high-class bar. Having tracked the bounty to this location, things quickly went array upon the realization that most of the security in the building is in the palm of their hand. The bounty himself has presumably slipped away in the commotion, letting others take care of the dirty work for him.

The messiness of the situation has forced Spike and you both into a corner, desperately having to duck for cover. If it weren’t so tense- bullets flying in the air seemingly at every turn -Spike would almost laugh. It’s delightful (if not, a tad bit macabre) to see the place be wrecked to hell in a contextless vaccum. A handful of bodies are scattered across marble flooring along with broken tables and seats. By now, most innocent bystanders are either in hiding or found a way to flee the scene. Blood pouring onto the floor from bodies or light droplets from those still standing contrast heavily with a monochrome color scheme. It’s the kind of joint Spiegel usually wouldn’t ever think to step foot in; mingling with rich types isn’t exactly his cup of tea. On the flip side, maybe the owner at least has hope of being able to repair the mess themselves (a vain hope; as both him and you will most likely have to pay for property damage regardless of the owners funds).

Finding an opening to do so, Spike whirls his body around while swiftly reloading his revolver. Sticking his head up from behind the bar, he barely has enough time to understand the positions of those firing.

Just a few yards away from him on his left, you keep yourself hidden behind a table turned onto its side. Spike ducks below the bar once more, cursing underneath his breath. Blood is trickling down your right leg, clear signs of an injury. From what, exactly, eludes him for the time being.

The dark look on your face is unwavering, however. In fact, you’ve maintained a serious exterior for almost the entire night. It’s enough to put a hindrance on Spike’s breathing, albeit briefly. Such an intense presence doesn’t suit you at all. 

You momentarily pull your attention from the action across the room, sensing someone’s eyes on you. Sure enough, you meet Spike’s gaze immediately. Nodding to one another, a beat comes and goes before the two of you move in tandem. Raising your guns, you both rise up quick enough to fire a shot or two. 

This isn’t how tonight was supposed to go. 

Crouching down, Spike stares at his feet. Despite holding his head low, his eyes give the impression that he’s looking at something far away. His lips press together in a thin line, letting out a long sigh. Jet’s going to have our heads for this, he expects.

Despite your cool front, you’d been as reckless and clumsy as ever (Spike’s words not yours). He had half a mind to blame you for the shootout, but even he has to admit he knows better than that. Although you fired the first shot, he might as well have done so himself via his own thick headedness. Just as Spike predicted would happen earlier the same day, you ended up hurt. However, he’d done just about everything his older companion told him not to, and here you are suffering the consequences along with him.

...

“Isn’t the whole point of this bounty to be discreet?” Spike muses, arms crossed. His expression is soured, and shoulders stiffened in defense. Sprawled out against the Bebop’s couch, he’s sat himself opposite of Jet. Well aware of how uncomfortably upright the yellow furniture is, his vegged out form is working to drive home a point more than anything else. 

“That’s what I said, isn’t it?” Jet replies, voice gruff and short. 

The younger man scoffs, raising his arms and gesturing to his right wildly. “Then why the hell-...” Spike pauses, rubbing his temple, “Then why… do you think I need to bring along Y/n? Surely it’d be better if I-”

“Because they work swiftly and are the most likely to keep you from inflicting your usual brand of collateral damage. I’d say they’ll do well to keep you from messing this up well enough.” Jet cuts him off casually. 

“What? So they’re my babysitter? You know how they are- they’ll just get in the way.”

Jet bites back, “Spike, I swear this’ll go smoothly if you just accept their help. Don’t you dare think of going off on your own. The bounty’s got connections and has reportedly been on high alert since the price on his head increased. We don’t have all the details, but there’s enough to know it could get ugly. You’ll be kicking the bucket if you don’t get your head screwed on straight.”

“We both know the chance of that happening,” Spike huffs.

“Yeah, right… less likely than you admitting to yourself the real reason you get so high-strung about Y/n.” 

The fluffy-haired man raises an eyebrow.

“It’s because you like them, but saying so must not be in vogue nowadays, so you tell yourself it’s just because they’re childish- or whatever made up reason it is this week.”

“They are childish.” 

“And you aren’t?” Jet questions, “I’d think refusing to follow a well-informed decision just to avoid who you’re going to be working with is pretty immature.” 

Silence follows, the moment thick with thought. 

Making a face, Spike abruptly kicks his leg forward and smacks his foot against the side of Jet’s cute coffee table. He doesn’t even open his eyes at the booming, metallic sound. “As if a bright green racer with a goddamn flower plastered on the side of it won’t make us stick out everywhere we go!” Spike exclaims, clearly still hung up on Jet’s previous statement or sending him an implicit warning to shut his mouth.

“I’m sorry, but how many repairs have you needed on that obnoxiously red racer of yours in the past month!?” Jet snapped, finally looking his crewmate in the eye. “Y/n and you are the best choice for this sort of job. You’re going with them; end of story. The sooner you get the bounty the sooner you can come home sulking about it.”

Not twenty minutes later, Spike found himself begrudgingly walking next to you heading towards the Bebop’s garage. You maintain a youthful spring to your step, while he practically drags his feet on the floor following you. 

“Hurry up, slow poke!” you jest, stopping in front of the garage door. Turning towards him, you tap your foot repeatedly as if you’re being forced to wait for him. 

“Maybe you should start practicing blending into the shadows for when we land,” he suggests, moving past you, “You know… being unnoticeable.”

“Don’t be ridiculous,” you giggle, “You’d miss out on what you like the most about me!” 

Sneering, he responds non-committedly, “Yeah… sure.”

“Oh, don’t deny it, Spiegel.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

You huff, a playful edge to your tone, “C’mon… at least admit I’m more fun than Faye; that can’t possibly be difficult to voice out loud.”

“I’m not admitting shit,” he suddenly snaps, “I just want to get this done; I could really use that reward- so let’s go.”

Frowning, your gaze hesitates on his person as he turns on his heel and shuffles away. He moves with hasty steps towards his precious racer for extra measure.

Your shoulders fall, but his back is turned to you. And even if it wasn't, you are certain by now that it wouldn’t make a difference. The wall he’s built between the two of you is sturdy and unmoving, but hell if you haven’t tried your hand time and time again at tearing it down.

But unknown to you, his thoughts haven’t moved his attention away.

Select bounty missions notwithstanding, nothing ever seemed to truly wipe the smile from your face. Even then, most times you can keep a playful edge to your actions and attitude. Spike Spiegel hates that. It’s hypocritical, considering his own behavior at times, but logic is (apparently) irrelevant. Nothing ever seems to get to you either, and that’s the most frustrating. Nothing he ever says or does gets to you. From the tiniest comment to the very reasons behind Jet's latest stream of lectures- he hardly has witnessed you bat an eyelid at it all.

It’s not that he necessarily dislikes you as a whole, but something angry inside him bubbles over around you. Still fresh in the bounty hunter world, your attitude just appears… too naïve. The feeling you fill him with is foreign, and why someone ‘so simple’ can get his mind racing is beyond him. Within the dim lighting the Bebop offers, barely reaching the inside of his racer, Spike has long been so sure you’d never find common footing he doesn’t even consider it an assumption anymore. 

...

Amidst his thoughts, the two of you manage to shave the number of shooters down by a considerable amount. 

Still eager to be done with the case (even if it means coming back empty handed at this rate), Spike takes the opportunity to fully rush away from behind the bar completely. Taking a dive, he shoots another individual just before tumbling to the floor. As he rolls himself over to find complete cover once more, he loudly lets out a curse after a loud gunshot fires in the air. 

“Spike!?” you squeak, whipping around to see the man on the floor cradling his foot. Both his hands are clasped around his shoe, knuckles turning ghost white from applied pressure. Your eyes widen, dropping your adopted expression. “Are you alright!?” you shout. 

“Less worry; more shooting!” he barks, wincing at a shot of pain trailing violently up his leg. 

Not needing to be told twice, you focus your efforts back on the task at hand. He hears three distinct gunshots from your side of the room. Two thuds come from the far end his back is facing, a sound he recognizes as clothed bodies hitting the floor. To Spike’s relief, deafening sounds of guns firing comes to a complete halt. 

You drop to the floor as well, buttocks making harsh contact with marble. Turning just your head this time, you meet Spike’s gaze once more. Not a second passes before the two of you share an exhausted laugh. Your tone is light and thankful, his is booming and pushing through fierceness beginning to fade. 

“As best as we can… we’re keeping this from getting back to Jet or Faye,” Spike mumbles, leaning his head back after calming himself down. 

Smiling warmly, you tuck a loose strand of hair behind your ear and move your attention. Your eyes scan the back of the bar, squinting slightly. The walls are littered with bullet holes, and you’ve no doubt the amount of which are near impossible for one person to count alone. A shady figure lingers in a bathrooms door frame, and at least two tables in the back are snapped in half-

Wait… 

Realistically, the figure in the distance moves fast. To you, the gut reaction is so quick hindsight allows you to fool yourself into believing you had even a moment to think about your actions. To understand what exactly it was you’re doing. To process all that transpires within the next couple of seconds. 

But that isn’t really the case. You merely registered the shadowed individual’s frame, and the reflective light bouncing off the pistol in their hand. It was all you needed to act, diving to the side so quickly that ‘desperate’ wouldn’t be enough to describe the action. 

A shout erupts from behind you, frantic and unfathomably angry. More sounds of gunshots fill the air; curse words and other profanities fill any available space. You can distinctly make out Spike’s voice, and one more that’s unknown to you. It’s very deep and masculine, though, from what you can understand.

You attempt to roll your body over, but a sharp pain just below your collarbone and near your shoulder keeps you from doing so. Vision blurs at random, and you can scarcely make out your companion (roommate?) standing in front of you. When exactly did he get there? 

Your eyes flutter open and shut. 

You feel someone kneeing you in the side, and your eyes snap open to observe Spike bending down beside you. Slowly but surely, your vision stabilizes. When did he…? Is the mysterious shooter still around? You attempt to move again, but this time the pain you feel is so prominent you cry out and screw your eyelids shut. 

“Oi oi oi…” you hear Spike’s voice call. “Don’t strain yourself, dummy,” he tells you, having absolutely no bite behind his words. At least, none you could make out. Still, you're inclined to wonder if it’s still just your own shock over getting shot making you misunderstand. 

“Bounty got away…” he huffed, gently sitting you up against a fallen table. Giving you an apologetic look, he rips the side of your top open. You put up no fight, watching him wrap your bullet wound with whatever makeshift materials he’s found lying around. 

“Was that who was standing in the back?” you ask, voice kept low. 

“Yeah,” he replies, “ I thought the coward hightailed it and ran… but I guess he wanted the last laugh. Erm- tried to at least. He ended up running anyway.” 

“Him and this ‘team’ if his will probably persue us, then,” you sigh, “Now we have to hunt him down before he gets us…” Pausing, you take a minute to mull over your words. “I’m really sorry. This is all my-“

“Don’t,” he cuts you off calmly, gesturing to your injuries. “Not when you’re like this.”

Smiling despite yourself, he stops his movements at the display. Ignoring the shock on his face, you ask, “What? You worried about me?” 

Spike hesitates, physically moving his chest away from you. “Don’t be absurd,” he scoffs, speaking unconvincingly. He continues, wrapping around the wound once more before stopping himself yet again. His frown deepens, adding, “And stop smiling like that.” 

“Why?”

“Because you were just shot!” he snaps, “And nearly slipped out of consciousness!” 

“Ah…” heat rushes to your face, “So you were worried…” 

“I-… yes, fine, okay?” his head falls, giving in.

You snort, “That sounded painful.” 

“Tonight’s been stressful; you haven't been acting like yourself all night. Even on a job… it’s not like you to get so serious. What was with you?”

You shrug sheepishly, avoiding his gaze. “Thought you’d like it better that way.”

“It freaked me out, why would-“

Spike halted his words. He knew exactly why, but the night has been a long string of his own mistakes so it’s been tough keeping up. And here’s the biggest one yet, coming straight towards him holding a steel chair: How he treats you. More specifically, how he spoke to you earlier. How indifferent, borderline annoyed, he always acts. It’s true, he’s long been trying to figure out how to press your buttons. But all at once it’s clear that it does get to you. Now that it’s showing, even just a small bit, his wall between you two starts to crumble.

“Couldn’t let anything happen to you either…” you mumble when he doesn’t continue, “Jet was telling me how easily the job could be slipped up. I was a bit intimidated… and when you spoke to me earlier I guess I just accepted that it would be a little out of my league. This was my first real ‘big gig’ after all… and I couldn’t accept the idea of disappointing you.”

Nodding, he finished up the last of tending to the wound for the time being. Regardless, his hand lingers on your shoulder supportively. “I’m… sorry I’ve been hard on you. This lifestyle’s really roughened me out; guess I should be glad it hasn’t gotten to you yet,” he mutters, adding a quick, “You did good.”

The moment it slips from his mouth, he is taken aback. He means that too, but that’s the part that surprises him. Then again, you’d surprised him yourself.

A grin flashes across your face. Sweet and genuine, without a sting of pain. Spike’s heart feels heavy with just a simple glance. It’s like the first time he ever saw you, back when he was keen to notice a glowing aura you possessed. He’d describe it as a pure beauty, if he could have swallowed his pride. However, it’s the added context of knowing who you really are that keeps his attention on you this time around.

“You think I have hope of becoming a ‘real’ bounty hunter like you someday?” you ask, referencing a conversation you’ve shared once before. 

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, sweetheart,” he replies, a tiny smile appearing on his face. 

Sharing a breathily laugh, the two of you soon sit and stare at one another in silence. Outside, people are shouting and police sirens are flaring. Yet his diligent ogling isn’t hindered in the slightest. 

“What about respect…?” you test the waters, voice quiet and careful, “You think I’ve at least earned that?”

Smirking, Spike’s head slowly moves from your shoulder to the back of your head. His own leaning down crookedly in correlation, speaking now in a low whisper, “Don’t be modest… you’ve earned more than that.” 

In one swift motion, his lips press against yours in a surprisingly soft kiss. Even as people began to pile into the building, police enforcements leading the way, the two of you stayed glued to one another. A news crew even caught a glimpse of the display of affection, only adding to outside confusion. 

Breaking away from the kiss, you giggle against his lips, “We’re on TV.”

“Give ‘em a show, then, yeah?” he smirks, leaning closer and planting another kiss on your lips. 

At home, within the Bebop’s common area, Jet plops down in his favorite seat with Ein at his side. The man nearly falls out of his chair upon turning on his television.

[littjara-mirrorlake]

Hey could I ask you to talk about Ixhel for a moment? I’m doing research for the next chapter of Steel and Oil by going back over the original story and looking at other people’s interpretations of her and figures you would be a good place to start, as tumblr’s resident Phyrexiaposter.

Oh absolutely! I'm honored :3

To see firsthand how I write her, I have two Ixhel fanfics at the moment:

Deeper Than Faith, Higher Than Hope is about Ixhel's compleation day, her glimpse of a less-than-perfect Phyrexia, and the shame that follows. It shows a lot of the self-gaslighting and subtle reinforcements of hierarchy that Orthodoxy life runs on, as well as Ixhel's need for her family to be proud of her. Deep down, she never stopped being a newt who yearned to see her mother smile.

These Ichorous Bonds is from Vishgraz's perspective, but sheds some light on Ixhel's sources of joy and how she loves. There's also discussion from Vishgraz's much more black-aligned viewpoint about what he thinks would help Ixhel (prioritizing herself, primarily).

I care deeply about Ixhel as a character and I'm really invested in portraying her in a way that does her justice (Aysha U. Farah knocked it out of the park, god damn). Some key points:

She is a child made to grow up too fast. Physically she is a compleated adult Phyrexian, but her narration consistently points to naivety. For example, she doesn't fully understand how humanoids work (calling Belaxis's tears "clear oil") and finds it genuinely difficult to conceptualize meaning outside of Phyrexia. The Orthodoxy tightly curates the information allotted to its members and it shows. Human-equivalent-age wise, I've put her at about freshly 18, but that doesn't correspond one to one.

She will never express this naivety or uncertainty openly if she can help it. She's been taught to cover up her uncertainty with Orthodoxy platitudes and the praise she receives for being a good little cog in Phyrexia's machine.

When we first meet her, she is desperate for praise and affirmation, which Norn and Atraxa drip-feed her in order to keep her on the hook. She commits incredible violence in their names in order to earn that praise and feel useful, which she, as a white Phyrexian, has been taught is the most important thing in life.

Her mother Atraxa now reinforces Ixhel's position as a tool, giving her orders and demanding to be called "Commander". She is deprived of parental love, but consistently craves it, while feeling like direct loving expression would be sinful and shameful.

She has a lot of internalized shame, but hasn't fully repressed her emotions. She will feel hurt or yearning or joy in a "forbidden" circumstance and then immediately chastise herself for it, possibly followed by some expression of pro-Phyrexia violence in order to convince herself she's still being a good obedient Phyrexian.

The feelings of freedom Ixhel gets when she is alone, being creative, are thrilling and shameful to her. She knows they are forbidden. She tried to justify Vishgraz's creation as a way to impress her mother, but I think deep down, it was for herself. She wanted to feel that accomplishment.

She feels a lot, but needless to say she has been starved of healthy expression mechanisms. The only form of expression "allowed" for her as her mother's tool is directed violence. (Even in trying to save and keep Belaxis, whom she knows she likes, she only thinks of killing him first.) After Vishgraz, she starts to realize that creativity is another outlet.

The most important aspect of Ixhel's character development and eventual rebellion, imo, is her growing black mana alignment and focus on herself. She needs to learn that she does not exist solely for others, despite what she's been taught; sometimes being a little selfish is a good thing. This is what Vishgraz wants to teach Ixhel in These Ichorous Bonds.

I hope this is a good overview! If you have any more questions, do reply or DM me. I love talking about my girl Ixhel <3

[greatwesternway]

do steam engines just hold grudges longer than other engines? why do they act like that about the U-505 if they don't even understand war or politics, as you say?

Steam engines don't hold grudges longer than other engines in particular. With regard to U-505, it's just bad timing.

We've talked before about how 2903 was built during the war, out of heavier materials and as a steam engine due to rationing, which was more expensive and already considered obsolesced technology, thus shortening his service life. Obviously nothing U-505 or even U-boats in general were doing had much to do with 2903's build, but Germany started this war and U-505's the only German 2903 knows and so gets all his ire about it.

999 was built in the 1890's and so she saw not only this war but the one before it, which Germany was also on the wrong side of. For her, it's less personal, but it is a thing "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..."

The thing though, is that 999 would probably have become less chilly on U-505 over time if it weren't for 2903's sustained contempt for him. While 999 does think Germans have a track record of poor behavior and should be regarded with suspicion, she's also smart enough to recognize that U-505's role as an exhibit is a lot more difficult to serve than hers is and yet he does admirably. There's certainly been a time or two when she's nipped at 2903's approach to the job and implied an unfavorable comparison to U-505.

Absent of 2903's influence, she'd have just Pioneer's opinion - that the war was over and they should move on from it - to inform her own. Pioneer was built in between wars during the Depression and is just happy that things are good and prosperous now. (This was also a reflection of the general feeling of people at the time and its partly why the museum describes U-505 as a German submarine rather than a Nazi one.) 999 would probably never have become friendly with U-505 like Pioneer is, but she'd have forgone the antagonistic relationship that she and 2903 have with him.

As it is, she does actually start thawing on U-505 when 2903 leaves and 727, who was built in the 60's and has no frame of reference for any of the wartime drama, arrives. Like U-505, 999 is also a diligent listener and collector of intel (for gossip purposes). Without 2903 to entertain her, she has much more time to devote to this, which has also helped turn her opinion on U-505.

For that matter, even 2903 sometimes remembers U-505 with something bordering on fondness every ten years or so. He'd never admit it, of course, and the notion evaporates the second he's back on the MSI's grounds. He was as happy for U-505 to be put indoors as U-505 was for him to be put in a shed though.

I will say though that while our machines do not understand politics and are ignorant of ideology, civilian engines (if they are intelligent enough) do sort of regard war machines with some reservation. The idea of a machine that is meant to kill people is incredibly foreign to one that is meant to care for them.

Fortunately, if an engine is smart enough to have thought of this, they (usually) can go the step further and realize that war machines are built by people for this purpose. Engines are what they are, after all, and they cannot help this. This is why no one actually holds this part of their function against them in the museum. (Spitfire is particularly helpful here too because he has the most authority in the museum on which to regard this and obviously his position is that the enemy units in the place were just doing their jobs, same as he did.)

Too, when you actually speak to a war machine, it becomes clear that they do care for their own crews in the way civilian engines care for their passengers and that their offensive measures are also defensive of these crews. In those terms, it makes a little more sense to a civilian engine.

I say all this because I think this question is about that thing U-505 says about land units taking grudges to the grave. 2903 takes this statement to be a jab at him, but U-505 was really just remarking on behavior he himself didn't understand!

Land units do tend to take combat a lot more personally than naval units because strictly speaking, for naval units the point isn't to kill people: it's to sink other ships. That people sometimes die in the process is unfortunate, but the actual object is just to neutralize their ship. Once their ship is sunk, what can the people actually do? Very little. That's why there's all this palling around about it afterwards, even in the immediate. If you survive the attack, your enemies are fishing you out of the water and offering you coffee and a nice dry sweater and you're smiling around the cigarette they gave you about how you're lucky to be alive.

Naval engagement (assuming everyone is on the same page about it and has the means to behave accordingly) is quite civilized. U-505 doesn't get how vicious land units are towards each other because he fails to understand that the asset being contested on land is not engines, but the people. If it were his crew and not himself that were actually the target of enemy aggression, he'd understand much more readily.

But U-505 doesn't know shit about land that isn't the lawn of the MSI, and so he thinks the lack of persistent liquid danger surrounding the situation just gives land units more room to get in their feels about it. He thinks they are being ridiculous but he is wrong.

[ancientgreekyuri]

Things I love most about Theseus & Asterius ❤ AZ will get his own post because this is already long as hell

I love Theseus' huge eyebrows and his hooked nose ❤ I've mentioned it before but they're genuinely my favourite physical features of his, I think it's so cute that his eyebrows are notably darker than his hair. I think his chin dimple is cute too. And I think it's so funny (positive) how his Confident Smile leans into him looking a little menacing 😭 it's very fitting for him and the kind of guy he is. Of course. I also love that he's very ridiculous and over the top. That he never does things in halves... he's the kind of person to get completely and utterly focused on something until it's done (which can be a bit of a double edged sword for him in his interpersonal relationships as u can imagine). He has a very strong sense of justice and has a deep love and passion towards those he cares about. Even though it's not confirmed I do think it's very, Very likely that Theseus is the one who does Asterius' hair- the style he wears is very much in the king's taste. And how sweet is it that this king/warrior/hero would so lovingly tend to his dear friend in that way... I think of him and how despite he's so boastful he's really, really insecure and it affects his relationships. He loves Asterius; in his eyes Asterius is Redemption and Honour and Love. The idea of ever losing that is painful for him! This sometimes leans into possessiveness, but Asterius is so kind (in his own way) and patient, too. I do think something Theseus could learn is that he shouldn't pin all his hopes and dreams onto one person, even if that one person is equally dedicated to him. Which is part of why it makes me happy to imagine him giving Dia that same trust and devotion too, it unloads some of the burden from both of them (and maybe opens a door for Dia to be a bit more open too... she's very reluctant when it comes to talking about herself, you know.) btw i wish we lived in the reality where "theseus throws flowers to the audience" was finalized and put into the game. Like I get why it didn't (i can easily see it being so difficult to animate And making that animation clear in a way where u know what he's doing at the scale hades game is in) but it's true in my heart that he does that. btw.

I love Asterius' droopy eyes and his cute ears :~) And I love that he's so big 😭 I don't mean that in a pervert way (For Now.) but it's always such fun to imagine being very easily picked up by him... he's not as talkative as Theseus, but he's very emotionally intelligent and introspective in a way that's just wonderful to me. He's noble, he has a lot of main- he hasn't moved from thinking of himself as a Monster, though I think he is at a state where he realizes that his uniqueness as both man and beast is not a bad thing, like it may have been to him in the past. Sometimes I wonder how he feels, living in a state that's In-Between. Not completely a human, but not completely an animal either... it must be lonely at times, even if he has his share of fans and admirers. In something I've been slowly writing, I thought about the idea of being "Home" for him- a place where he feels like he belongs. To be able to support him in such a way would be just such a special thing. I don't think it would "heal" the deep hurts he has, they're a part of him; they've shaped him into the man he is now. But it would give him a place to rest his weary head when he needs to. I think Asterius isn't romantic in the same loud way Theseus is romantic. He shows his love in much quieter ways, speaking with actions more than words. (Though he attempts, at times, to say it in words too- because he realizes how putting forth that extra effort is something significant, and he knows its meaningful). And I just think it's so wonderful to..... well, how to word it... there was a time in Asterius' past where happiness and fufillment were things that would have been completely unobtainable for him. Isolated and lost and then force to do monstrous things to survive. He was probably content enough when he died... Erebus wasn't exactly a pleasant place, but it was somewhere he could walk around and explore. somewhere where he didn't feel hungry all the time. he has a chance now, though, to enjoy the things he wasn't able to in the past. to become the Person he wasn't able to in the past! Being a part of that is just something special.

[walder-138]

Hello darl!

if you're still doing this ;u; 🕯️ for Jodie-

have a lovely day <3

SHIT IM SORRY FOR THE LATE REPLY 😭 IVE BEEN BUSY

Oz: “If we ignore the giant elephant in the room, which honestly I’m having a very hard time doing, she’s actually seems like a good person. However, I know better than to trust those ‘people’. Jodie’s a good person; but my personal prejudice is getting in the way of seeing the positives in her.”

If Oz could get over his ‘wartime nostalgia’, or worked with Jodie long enough to actually get to know her, I could see his opinion on her becoming positive. He’d realize that Jodie wanted to change and forget her past, and start treating her like a friend/acquaintance rather than like an enemy.

(Soviet penalty: -5) 5/10, or 7/10

Annika: “Bootlicker. Still listens to General Asshole after all he’s done to her, then gets upset at me for acting off-script. I’ll only work with her when absolutely necessary, other than that, no.” (4/10)

Abbey: “I respect Jodie immensely. I understand how difficult it can be to trust people after being manipulated countless times and finding out your life is a lie. But her putting her personal trauma aside to fight for the greater good takes balls. I also love her style, but that’s besides the point.” 8/10, girl likes everyone

I’ll (hopefully) will have answered your other ask sometime between now and the next 8 hours or so. Thank you for the asks!

[gg-selvish]

sapnap/unresolved georgenap in rules

someone on retrospring asked me for sapnap's perspective in rules because it's pretty underdevlopped in the fic so here's my answer so i have it saved because it was fun to talk about

ok i. ran out of time for sapnap in rules and i will be the first to admit that. sapnaps arc isnt very as satisfyingly resolved as dreams and thats because the dnf damage was just so intense and so fresh it took priority over longterm hurt but. theres a lot there that he went through thats implied and also in my personal headcanons of unwritten lore that implications stem from that i dont describe well or explore enough in the actual fic (sorry self burn booooooo)

rules is sapnap fell first george fell harder. 100%. its established in chapter 1 that sapnap had a crush on george since they were young and it was implied that george knew about it for most of the time of their friendship because it would be brought up casually/jokingly and while george thought it was lighthearted (and, once they got together, irrelevant) it was pure torture for sapnap.

loving both of your best friends is very difficult, if you could imagine. in my head dreamnap eased into each other better than georgenap did (emotionally) but... thats not really hard to do. dream and him established probably pretty similarly to treacherous in that it didnt take too long for them to realize their feelings for each other, but in rules george is more present so they get together faster because as we all know dreamnap are kind of scared of each other while george is the worlds biggest instigator. dnn complete each other yadda yadda im getting sidetracked

so they establish that they want each other and start this relationship but we're gonna math it out. sapnap isnt getting words of affirmation (outside of e-sex like praise no i love yous) or physical touch from george. he's getting words of affirmation from dream but limited physical touch due to The Rules (wooooooo). another thing thats quick in the fic is that dreamnap kinda lock away from each other because they Want to be together and theyre Not Allowed To so u can imagine the strain that would put on all of their dynamics. theyre so close but limited to compromise with someone who cant even say i love you or touch them like its Hard bro and theres resentment that comes from that piled atop the years of teasing for feelings that sapnap can never even be sure are reciprocated are u kidding????

so not only is there this prodding and underlying making fun of sapnaps feelings at regular interverals and overall memeing on him for YEARS theres george putting him in a painful position in the relationship too. more resentment. the piles getting pretty high, huh? and then they meet. theyre together. and its george but its also someone completely different. suddenly he's being worshipped and touched like gold with the kindest words whispered and he slips into subspace and feels so safe and he loves george so much why does it have to be so hard?

so he settles for when it's not hard.

he consents to cosigning the breaking of dreams heart and lets george sleep with him alone because for just a few minutes or hours he can pretend he means something to george. because he has doubts. maybe id go so far as to say theres times where he really doesnt believe him at all. but he does believe him when he's combing fingers through his hair and letting him taste love on his tongue

i think a lot about dreamnap in oklahoma. how sapnap felt to sleep in the same bed as dream and want to be with him alone the way they were when george was on call but he cant. all the while knowing if george was in his place he could do whatever he wants because hes on another wavelength

more resentment. george always wins, isn't that so unfair?

and when sapnap comes back different. that line is important and holds a lot of weight. thats when he got tired of george being unfair and dragging him through the mud and he wanted to be strong against someone who makes him weak so he tries so hard even though hes being torn in two and he's so tired, can you imagine? so he stops the unsafe scene. more resentment builds. he's done with george. he cant take this anymore. hes ruining everything and so he pulls away from him even more

and then he gets drunk and george crawls under his skin and he fails and can you imagine how much he was beating himself in the head for that? after being so strong and maybe he felt excluded a little because of it but he wasnt being weak and then george fucking makes him weak again and dream catches him and it all blows up because he was weak

and still. even with sapnap and him on the chopping block. george does not say i love you.

sapnap defends him in the fight. and george still doesnt say it.

it takes dream taking him apart and nearly forcing vulnerability. and sure sapnap is told first but was it because of him? do you think he'll always wonder if it was always going to be dream fixing george and never him? do you think he would feel resentful about that as well?

there's a lot of negativity in him. he's been really dragged through it and treated like shit and theres a part of me who has this perspective and sees rules!george apologists and wonders if theyre thinking about any of this. if any of it is even detectable in the tiny one liners i slipped in because i was going too fast

rules is about george at face value, but it's also kind of about dream, and it's definitely about sapnap.

[angelnumber27]

Julia I really love and care about you so please realize where I'm coming from when I say this- Please be careful of what you speak and put out there in the Universe of what you say about yourself 💖 It's ok to have those thoughts and battle with them bc that's normal for all of us, but sometimes I feel you really believe what you say about yourself and from a 3rd person perspective of someone who sees how beautiful you are I just don't think it's good for you to be to used to doing that (speaking badly about yourself. Although I know you speak positively about yourself, too.) I hope you continue moving forward on your healing journey and you have so much love around you supporting you I hope you know that!!!! You are angel... It's true. And earth angels are always surrounded by angels. Please always have belief in yourself and I will truly pray for your soul because the world needs your love and beautiful soul 💖💖💖

thank u. You’re sweet

changing something that’s that engrained in me is much easier said than done. It’s an extremely difficult thing to do, I can’t just magically snap my fingers and forget 20+ years of abuse. I wish you could understand that.