#ty to everyone who liked my last post ;D

[girlbossdarkiplier]

moar mark ocs as lps (ゝω・´★)

[raythekiller]

Hi, I've been reading your works and I'm envious. Your scenarios and headcanons are so cool :D I was wondering if you could make a headcanon for the creeps living with a Latina recruit who is sassy but caring to the point she (or they) will aggressively take care of someone if they aren't feeling well. Hope it isn't too much out of your comfort zone. Have a good day and take care

<3333

🗒 ❛ Sassy But Caring Latinx! Reader ༉‧₊˚✧

Featuring: Jeff The Killer, Ben Drowned, Ticci Toby, Eyeless Jack, Masky

#Notes: as a dad friend sassy latino myself this one was right up my alley ty

pronouns used: none

˗ˏˋ back to navigation ´ˎ˗

꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Jeff The Killer

You definitely give him a lot of shit. When you first arrive he's all cocky thinking he has a new victim, but then as soon as you opened your mouth, boom, he got dragged. Since he's quite the troublemaker, you'll probably be screaming at him a lot.

"¡Jeff! ¿Que chingado estás hacendo?"

"Slender, the new recruit is speaking tongues again!"

Secretly thinks it's kinda hot when you speak Spanish. The rolling r's just do something to him. While he's absolutely not gonna try to learn it, he ends up picking up a thing or two just from hearing you and the context of the situation. Can't speak it to save his life, though. Still, he makes fun of your language all the time.

"What, you forgot English already?"

Also, he's like, terrible with self care. Not as bad as Ben, but still pretty bad. Doesn't shower for days and hates drinking water. You'll have to threaten him with a chancla to get him to actually take some care of himself.

"¡Jeffrey Woods, chingada madre, limpia tu habitación!"

"You can't fucking make me!"

꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Ben Drowned

Little mister Hasn't Showered, Slept Or Eaten In A Week over here. I swear, this guy is helpless. Spends all his time cupped up in his room playing videogames and eating nothings but trash like some kind of fucking raccoon. You'll have the hardest time trying to take care of him.

"Ben, how long has it been since the last time you showered?"

"Uhmm... I don't know, about 9 days?"

" *sighs in spanish* "

Genuinely terrified of you when you get mad and start cussing in Spanish. He'll clean his room, he promises, just please put the chancla down!

Will actually be really happy if you make him Hispanic food. Not only does it taste good, but you made it for him because you care about him, and that means the world. He can't handle spicy stuff though, so be careful.

꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Ticci Toby

Not too bad in general when it comes to taking care of himself, but he does just... Forget to eat. All the time. He will just suddenly get light headed and remember he hasn't eaten a bite of food in the last 3-4 days. Another one who loves if you make him Hispanic food, but unlike Ben, he likes his shit extra spicy. Probably one of the only creeps who will try to learn Spanish to understand you better, even if you're fluent in English.

"H-hola, Y/N. Como- como estás?"

"Estoy bien, pero no necessitas hablar conmigo en español, chulo."

Yes, you call him "chulo". He will also listen to the music and just try to learn more of the culture in general to make you feel more welcome. Overall, genuinely puts in an effort in taking better care of himself so you don't have to worry about him as much.

꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Eyeless Jack

I'd be surprised if he didn't know Spanish already, which was probably a bit of a shock to you, but a good one nonetheless. He's not normally into gossip, but there's something extremely funny about talking shit about someone while they're right there and they have no idea what you're saying.

"Jeff es tan jodidamente estúpido."

"Sí, ¿verdad?"

"The FUCK you two talkin about?"

You won't have to worry about him much, he takes basic care of himself unlike most of the others. If anything, he's scolding rhe others WITH you. You're basically the parents of everyone else at this point.

꒰⸝⸝₊⛓┊Masky

Has the biggest fucking crush on you and will forever be mad about it. I said this in the ideal S/O post - he needs someone who gives him shit but also looks out for him and the others. The fact that latino people are extra hot is just a bonus. Unfortunately, this also means he's extra mean to you.

"Tienes que dejar de fumar. Te va a joder los pulmones así."

"Sorry, doll, I don't speak 'freak'."

Like Jeff, secretly thinks it's hot when you speak in your language. Hates when you scold him, loves it when you scold others, especially if you get extra mad and start cussing in Spanish. It's just amusing to him. Plus, you make things easier for him now that he's not the only one parenting these weirdos and he's genuinely glad you came along.

[slvtforfiction]

hi so this is kinda cringy 😭😭

but so your like roommates with johnnie jake etc and like one morning you come down with like love bites n shit like on ur neck, collar bone yeah so like nobody knew you had a partner but then like a guy follows you downstairs (ur boyfriend) and so johnnie has been planing to ask you out for a while since he thought you were single so he's lowkey jealous (ykk???( anyways get creative with the rest of that 😘

Love bites cause breakups

☆ Yesss!

☆ Ty anon <3

☆ Johnnie Guilbert X Reader

☆ Toxic relationship?

☆ Suggestive? Mainly Fluff

☆ Masterlist

☆ Hey guys! Before anything else I would ask you to request anything you want because I've lost a lot of motivation and it would really help! :D (Please look at pinned post to see if requests are open.)

☆ Creds to @cafekitsune for dividers :)

My boyfriend walked down the stairs with me,kissing me goodbye as he walked out the door and I smiled walking back upstairs before I heard my name being called.

“Who’s he?” Johnnie asked as I turned around to see him sat in the living room with Jake, “My boyfriend,I swear you’ve met him?” I said to him.

“Hm,though you were single.” He said and his tone completely changed with in the seconds I had been talking to him. I brushed it off and walked upstairs not wanting to cause a scene and texted him instead.

You:

What’s up?

Johnnie:

Wdym

You:

You completely changed when I told you I had a boyfriend,what’s wrong?

Johnnie:

Look in the mirror.

I got up out of bed leaving my phone there and walked into my on suite bathroom.

And I noticed the very visible love bite’s scattered across my neck in a deep violet.

After last night I knew I would have one or two but my neck was filled and it made me full to the brim with embarrassment.

You:

Omg! I’m so sorry if I made you two uncomfortable!!

Johnnie:

Jake didn’t notice.

You:

Oh I’m so sorry if I made you uncomfortable then!!

Johnnie:

u didn’t,don’t care who u get off w.

You:

Oh okay,sorry anyways though x

Read 11:54am

Something was wrong but I didn’t know what I had done. My first thought however was to mainly cover up the marks with foundation,which I did.

I was going to a party later and my boyfriend wasn’t coming because he doesn’t like my friends.I had to beg him to go to this party anyways to be honest.

My friends don’t like my boyfriend either,they keep calling him controlling but he’s just not.

I messaged a picture of my outfit to my boyfriend and he got mad at me,to be honest I had had enough.

Maybe my friends were right,this is stupid.

“Why don’t you like it?” I asked him when he had called me, “Because men will be eyeing you up.” He told me as if he thought I was going to cheat.

“I don’t care,I don’t want them.” I told him, “You’re acting like it,take it off.” He said right back. I audibly gasped and hung up the phone call,sending him a text telling him to go fuck himself because we’re breaking up,then quickly blocked him.

He wasn’t going to ruin my night and I knew my friends would be happy I laughed to myself.

After I had got my dress on,finishing off my makeup (to cover up the discomfort of the marks on my neck) and walked downstairs to find Jake and Johnnie waiting for me in their usual,casual clothes.

“Am I over dressed?” I laughed and Jake smiled at me,Johnnie still avoided my gaze,only looking at my neck then looking away again.

“I think you’ll find we’re slightly under-dressed.” He joked with me and I smiled as we walked out the door.

“Oh also I broke up with my boyfriend.” I told them as I walked into Sam and Colby’s apartment for the party.

I walked over to grab a drink and emerged into the crowd to walk over to Sam and Colby.

“Congrats on ten mil!” I told them as I hugged them both, “Thanks!” Colby and Sam said in unison and laughed at it.

“How’s the party?” Colby said leaving everyone else to turn to talk with me. “It’s good! How’s it going for you?” I asked as I smiled at him.

“It’s all good! Where’s you boyfriend?” He asked,his eyes skimming through the crowd to find him. “Ex.” I corrected as I laughed to myself. “Shit what happened?” He asked and I began to explain.

“Pretty much it,but there’s someone better anyways.” I told him as he smiled at me putting his hand on my shoulder.

“Damn,you deserve better princess,anyways I’ll catch you later?” He said kissing my forehead as he caught me in a hug,looking over to his friends who were waiting for him. “Yeah,course.” I said smiling.

I looked over to see Johnnie in a corner with a solo cup in hand and walked over to him (after a few shots for confidence.)

“Why are you moping in a corner?” I asked,drunkenly smiling. “Why did you break up with your boyfriend?” He asked (probably avoiding the question) and I laughed putting my head down into his shoulder.

“Cause’ he’s a dick and he didn’t like my outfit and also I think someone else is pretty hot anyways.” I said,drunkenly giggling to myself.

“Maybe we should get you home,huh?” He said wrapping his arms around my shoulders. “Okay.” I said without protest.

He held my hand and led me through the crowd and out of the door.

We got in the lift,he still held my hand and I looked down smiling as I rested my head on his shoulder for the short ride.

He then opened the door to our apartment across the hall and helped me up the stairs.

He got me into bed and pulled the covers over me as I noticed I was in his room instead of mine. He then kissed my head. Just as he was about to leave I called out his name.

“Johnnie,wait.” I said and he turned around to look at me, “You should be my boyfriend.”

That was a couple of years ago,today is our 4 year anniversary.

[weird-coby-core]

1 year of weirdcobycore: JUNE 2024

this will be the last 1 year post!!! all of these edits will be from before june 20, the date i made my first edit a year before.

Jun 8, 2024 | i really love this edit because it's an album title and song lyric from the same band (los campesinos!!!) that i have made lots of edits with song lyrics from. as i have said before, hello los camp followers from my main :) i see you

Jun 18, 2024 | this is one of my favorite edits of all time probably because it has very specific personal meaning to me and my childhood which hits really hard. i made several other edits which were also related to this one.

and that's it for the 1 year of weirdcobycore!!! ty to everyone who has supported me and this blog. i will continue to make weirdcore at my own pace for as long as it's fun for me, which is looking like it will be a while lol. idk if i'll do this next year but i have a long time to decide. ty again for all you guys' support :D

[oklotea]

Tintin Character Requests! Pt. 1

The series where I draw Tintin characters in funky little outfits cuz they truly are funky little characters

In the first picture, we've got toxic yaoi, well, no, the first request was these two on their own but because I love them so much and their interactions in the 2011 movie I drew them together, and wow I am actually quite proud of how it ended up looking like!!!!! (Probably one of my favorite out of this batch of sketches)

Ty @mis3rabl3m3lody and @libraryidealist for the request!!!

Aaand behind curtain number 2, we've got certified best boy, Chang!!!! Where is he running off to? Idk. I would be embarrassed to admit how much time I spent figuring out how running looks like cuz I just suddenly forgot wtf running looks like

Ty @myfunnyvalentine !!! For the request!! You seemed quite enthusiastic

Next up, we've got AHHHHH MY SILLY MY GOOFY MY FAVORITE MANIC PIXIE DREAM GIRL!!!! PROFESSOR CALCULUS!!!! I drew him in polite little vest and turtleneck combo and some patterned pants, politely waving at you! I was watching a few episodes recently and AGEHHDHDHH I FORGOT JUST HOW ENTERTAINING AND AMAZING AND ICONIC THIS MAN IS he's so silly he's a genius he has no idea what's going on most of the time <3333 we need him in the hypothetical 2011 sequel (it's coming guys trust me)

Ty @unlikelyintelligent and @akasanata for the request!!

TADAAA!!!! IT'S GENERAL ALCAZAR!!! ok. As you know I've only recently started coming back to Tintin, and I'm ngl I forgot who general alcazar was. Then I watched Tintin and the picaros and pretty quickly I remembered. THIS GUY WAS SO COOL. my dumb kid brain didn't entirely grasp what was going on in that episode, BUT NOW I DO KNOW. AND WOW THIS EPISODE WAS WILD. every Tintin episode is on a spectrum of insane but this one tips closer to the more unhinged end. GENERAL ALCAZAR IS SO BADASS, HES LEADING A REVOLUTION, HE'S A MALE WIFE, HE IS A PRESIDENT NOW??? I miss the guy. ALSO I LOVE HIS DESIGN.

(Also if your wondering if every Tintin post I make I'll include a tangent of just gushing about how much I love some aspect of Tintin you better get used to it cuz I love rambling about how much I love Tintin)

Ty @tintinology for the request!!! AARRRGHRHRHHH GENERAL ALCAZAR!!!!!!

here's a couple characters ik little about, ik they were the original antagonists of the secret of the unicorn but that's about it! It's the bird brothers!!!! They're in some fancy suits, judging everyone they pass, their probably grumbling about something. From their appearance they look like their never happy sjhfjdjf

Ty @jimmyandthegiraffes for the request! :D

And last but definitely not least, IT'S JOLYON WAGG!!!!! if only the editing was better so you could bask in his graceful and obnoxious glory. I really like his voice! I really like his wardrobe! And he is some sort of anomaly to me, hes just popping up in the most random times, and most of the time it's to be an annoying little bitch (endearing), he has a medal of honor btw! If I ever met him, I would at first be very charmed, but then realize this is an entirely one sided conversation that'll go on for hours and hours that I won't be leaving anytime soon, and when I eventually get home I'll be completely exhausted by how much social energy I was using up just trying to keep up and look like I was really really invested in whatever this man was rambling about

But anyway he's silly and whimsical so I still really like him

Aaannnddd that's it folks! I'll eventually work on the other requests I have!!!! Have a good evening!!!!!

[anxiousgaypanicking]

Sanders Sides: Miscellaneous Smut Masterlist! (Part Two)

The kinks, ships, and prompts listed for each post so you can know what you want to read (in case the titles aren't descriptive enough)!

(Listed in order of oldest to newest!) (And how they're formatted on my AO3)

Part One

1. Rules + Info + Requests

2. Chapter Summaries

3. Payment:  DRLAMP (Janus x Remus x Logan x Virgil x Patton x Roman), Sex, Double Penetration, Riding, Handjobs, Face Fucking, Degradation, Tears, Spit Prompt: Can you do one with Bottom Sub Patton x Everyone where he just likes to pay with sex

4. Video Games: Dukexiety (Remus x Virgil), Exhibition, Sex Prompt: Smaller person (likely Virgil), and bigger person (likely Remy or Remus.) Of course they play video games, however, Virgil wants attention and R won't give it to him because "but video games, babe!" So, Virgil ride's R while he plays video games. Probably in a voice chat too.

5. Vulnerable:  Logicality (Logan x Patton), Sex, Breeding Speak, A/B/O Dynamics, Hickeys Prompt: Hurt comfort and a/b/o where Patton(Alpha) and Logan(Alpha) have been married for a while and lately they've finally started to have sex because Patton grew up in a very traditional family and he has a hard time submitting to Logan without feeling shameful and humiliating. Logan realizes and softly helps Pat into sub space. Top!Logan and bottom!Patton. Plus points if Logan's a sweet husband

6. Bug: Intruloceit (Remus x Logan x Janus), Vore, Detailed Digestion, Sex, Felching Prompt: Plsplspls intruloceit vore

7. Boob Job: Loceit (Logan x Janus), Nipple Play, Oversensitivity, Humping, Dacryphilia Prompt: Maybe Janus would even have to press his pecs together and fuck the fat tits Logan essentially has.

8. Home Alone:  Demus (Janus x Remus), Toys, Plugs, Hair Pulling, Thigh Fucking Prompt: A roommate who constantly makes noise like he's getting off/fucked and like, lays in bed twitching like he's got somethin in his ass, so what happens when someone buys him a thrusting/vibrating dildo/plug via amazon and it shows up when he's home alone? Does he use it alone? Does he get caught by the roommate who bought it? That day? Eventually? Ever? Pairing of your choice

9. Assume: Intruality (Remus x Patton), Sex, Degradation, Restraints, Spanking Prompt: Could you maybe do something with intruality where Patton's like assumed by everyone that he has no idea what sex is while Remus is the opposite and no one knows how they're together. And behind closed doors Patton's really dominant and dirty, his pure an innocent act is all fake and he loves putting Remus in his place, tying him up, spanking him and degrading him until he's begging for Patton to fuck him

10. Human Need: Logicality (Logan x Patton), Sex, Breeding Kinks, Cockwarming Prompt: How about some logicality with Logan having a breeding kink and denying it and Patton telling him he has a breeding kink (and that's okay) but Logan keeps insisting it's just his 'human need to reproduce, so of course he'd want to get the person he loves pregnant.' and Patton's just like 'yeah, okay, sure.' top Logan and bottom Pat

11. At Long Last: Dukexiety (Remus x Virgil), Voodoo, Sex, Felching Prompt: Hey mate so I'm a sucker for Virgil being rendered helpless and overstimulated so like could I put a request in for Virgil × Remus with Remus finally getting a hold of Virgil's voodoo doll?/Remus finally getting a hold of Virgil's voodoo doll?

12. Spring Break:  Anxceit (Virgil x Janus), Feederism, Handjobs, Blowjobs, Finger Sucking Prompt: Any case I can get more feederism my way? Maybe sub! V and dom!pat or jan or both yk- Dom is worried sub isn't eating enough bc busy college life and decides durin a spring vacation or smtg to have a feedin session to fix it :D

13. Begging For Your Body: Intruality (Remus x Patton), Sex, Overstimulation, Grinding Prompt: Intruality with soft!dom Patton and bottom Remus. The main plot of this would be that maybe Remus was feeling down, having intrusive thoughts (as he does), specifically about his body image, and Patton is there to comfort him and love up on him <3. Kinks are praise, grinding, begging (from the dom perspective, (ex: "Please, Please let me make you feel good, baby?"), overstimulation, multiple orgasms, and a lot of pet names-)

14. Aftercare: Analogical (Virgil x Logan), Sex, Bondage, Degradation, Choking Prompt: I'm a sucker for big aftercare- especially after something like a brutal scene with a partner lol Analogical Kinks: Choking, praise, degrading and bondage- but ending with explicit aftercare? For the base storyline do whatever you wish! Have free-range :))

15. Cock Snack: Analoceitmus (Virgil x Logan x Janus x Remus), Micro/Macro, Oral Play, Cock Vore, Restraints, Cum Digestion, Sex, Fingering, Edging, Crying Prompt: P. 3 of c vore fic? 

17. Doll-ightful Destresser Logince (Logan x Roman), Voodoo, Sex, Gagging, Overstimulation, Premature Orgasms, Crying,  Prompt: More voodoo please any ship

18. P.E.T. Intrulogical (Remus x Logan), Robofucking, Computer fucking, Wireplay, Machine Oil, Overstimulation, Objectum Prompt: Logan whos a sentient P.E.T. computer who remus gets by means of a gift or something from his grandparents. logan has programmed sentience, and remus plays with his wires and fucks his insides while logans screen displays a wall of overwhelmed binary. with remus calling logan his pet throughout bc thats whats on the body so thats clearly his name

19. Wallet Roceit (Roman x Janus), Inanimate Transformation, Wallet Transformation, Fingering, Edging, Overstimulation, Handjobs, Premature Orgasms Prompt: Janus turning roman into his wallet and using him to pay for things. roman feels continuously full from the coins and money, and feels like he's being fingered or stretched open whenever januss fingers dip inside of him

20. Pleading And Punishments Loceit (Logan x Janus), Caning, Premature Ejaculation, Overstimulation, Handjobs Prompt: Could you do a Logan x Anyone, Logan being bottom, Logan overworking himself and gets stressed from it. He jerks off to calm down and his lover walks in on him. I was thinking for this one basically a sexy punishment for Logan, any kinks you wanna put in is alright!

21. Preening Prinxiety (Roman x Virgil), Preening, Handjobs, Overstimulation Prompt: I was wondering if you'd be able to write something with prinxiety or Virgil/Roman/Janus in some kind of winged!au where the wings are pretty sensitive and one of them has feathered wings and kinda gets off on having them groomed/preened? Maybe they get embarrassed about it so let their wings get a little messy before the other(a) step in to help and find this out? And then maybe decide to make things fun (wink) Idm necessaily who's in which role :3 I just never see smut with a focus on wings and think it would be really cute <3 no pressure tho!! /Gen

[awooghan]

24 to 25 ✧.* y.ji (part two)

❄ PAIRING: jeongin x fem!reader

❄ GENRE: fluff, angst, childhood friends to lovers, christmas

❄ WARNINGS: mild language, mentions of food, long as hell, i put the ‘slow’ in slowburn (in my defense this trope does not work without it), i’ve checked like 1922847473 times for inconsistencies but if there are any pls be nice it’s my first long fic ;w; also you can slowly see the quality of my writing decline in the end im sorry 😭

❄ WORD COUNT: 47.7k (part one: 25.9k; part two: 21.8k) i'm so sorry

❄ SUMMARY: “stay for christmas?” was a phrase jeongin first uttered to you when you were both ten years old, but you had no idea how much those three little words would mean to you as the years go by. (inspired by “24 to 25” by stray kids)

❄ NOTES: IT’S FINALLY UP!! i’m so sorry for the wait, i really really wanted to get this right and it took me wayyy longer than i thought it would. but i love how it turned out and i'm so proud of it. i hope y’all enjoy :’)

i’ll include more to the note when i'm not in such a rush to get this posted but tysm to everyone who helped me in writing it! @crispy-chan jas thank you for beta reading (i’m so sorry it was so long) your comments were really sweet and really reassured me that i was doing okay <3 thank u @pearleechai and @gloseoks for helping me out with that one part i got stuck on for like a week lmaooo. to parker specifically, ty for all ur help and encouragement in the couple chapters i asked for help on :D i’m sorry it meant u had some of the fic spoiled for u tho ;w; lastly, @svtbabies hopie u have been my lifesaver from start to finish w this fic. thank u so so much for planning w me and for the multiple times u saved me from a huge writer’s block. i wouldn’t have been able to complete this without you, so ty for everything <33 also ty for the banner lol

➳ IMPORTANT!!! this fic is so long that i have to split it into two parts. i'd use the legacy editor but i can't toggle btwn the two anymore 😭 i did not intend for it to be this lengthy but anything for childhood friends to lovers i guess. PLEASE READ PART ONE FIRST.

part one | [part two]

network tags: @straykidsland

taglist: @hafsa-hoofsa-heefs @crow953 @urmomma0324 @tasmtrilogy

20.

Regardless of how desperately you wanted to enjoy Christmastime like you'd usually do, you just couldn’t bring yourself to do it this year.

You had long broken up with Heeseung, and while it did hurt immensely to begin with, it still persisted as a dull ache. You’re a little bummed you couldn’t indulge in your Christmas romance fantasies this year, but you figured you’d manage. You know that wasn't everything in a relationship; it was just a bonus, especially for someone like you.

But what does feel unbearable this year had nothing to do with love or romance. All you could think about was last year and the way Jeongin had left. 

It plagued your mind for weeks after that night, on whether or not you should have stayed and spent your time with Jeongin instead of bringing Heeseung to Jisung's Christmas party. Nevertheless, you had to remind yourself that you didn't know Jeongin had planned to leave that night—and no matter how much you wanted to, you couldn't go back and change the past. 

You couldn't tell if you resented Jeongin for what he did, or if you blame yourself for not listening to him. All the times he wanted to speak to you last year—maybe even to tell you, you just cut him off, too caught up in your new romance with Heeseung to even notice what Jeongin wanted to say.

Perhaps this was what you deserved for trying to follow Jisung’s advice when you were sixteen. “Date and move on,” he said. There was nothing to move on from, but you still tried it anyway.

And look where that got you.

Your original plan had been to stay nestled up in the comforts of your bed, watching whatever trash Hallmark had put out this year as you drank an atrocious amount of hot chocolate to comfort yourself. You were tempted to avoid Christmas plans altogether, especially when all the neighborhood party would do was remind you of Jeongin..

However, Jisung, the persistent fool that he was, wouldn't let that happen. Not when you could be watching laughable Christmas movies with him and his, and now your, friends. 

Felix and Hyunjin are squished together on the loveseat in Jisung's apartment, not that Felix seemed to mind as it gave him an excuse to cuddle someone. Seungmin is positioned on the floor, his legs crossed under the coffee table as he picks away at what little snacks remained in the bowls Jisung had laid out earlier. And you were lazily stretched out across the sofa, your head in Jisung's lap. Since Jisung was the one that dragged you out of bed, he was going to have to put up with your grumpy state.

"What do we watch next?" Felix calls out as the end credits of the Elf roll across the screen. He casually scans the room for your responses, his arms wrapped loosely around Hyunjin's waist. 

"The Grinch?" Seungmin suggests before Hyunjin quickly follows up with A Charlie Brown Christmas.

You pout. All of those sound good but you’d be lying if you said you were in a particular mood for any of them. It almost crushed you to say that, as they had brought you so much joy in the past, but none of them seemed to cut it this year. 

A few seconds passes by and you decide to speak up, throwing in a suggestion of your own. 

"Are there any Christmas animes? Why don't we watch those instead of a movie?" 

A deafening silence fills the room at your suggestion. The boys exchange confused glances with each other, and you begin to wonder if you said something wrong. If there were Christmas cartoons, surely there’d be Christmas animes, right? But your thoughts are quickly cut short when you hear Jisung gasp rather loudly. 

"Oh, so NOW you want to get into anime?!" 

Your frown deepens and you hit Jisung's thigh with your fist. "Shut up, it was just a suggestion." 

Another silence hangs in the room and the other three boys watch you silently like hawks, as if they were ready to pounce on you at the next move you’d make. You hate how small you feel under their piercing stares, and you shuffle to the other side of the couch in hopes that they’d stop.

"This isn't because you miss a certain person, is it?” Jisung chirps in a teasing tone. He crawls over to your end of the couch, a grin pulling at his lips as he pokes at your cheek repeatedly. “Is that why you're all Scrooge McDuck?" 

You jerk your head away and shove his hand back, letting out a strangled groan. "Oh my god, Jeongin has nothing to do with this! and it’s Ebenezer Scrooge!" 

Jisung snorts, crossing his arms over his chest. "I never said Jeongin's name." 

"He got you there, just saying." Felix chimes in with a shrug. 

You huffed frustratedly, spluttering, "I– this– this isn't about Jeongin, and this isn't about Heeseung either. can we just move on from this already?" 

"You know it's okay to miss him, right?” Hyunjin says, his voice soft. “You’re not doing anything wrong." 

"I never said that!" you groan again, raising your voice slightly. "I can’t suggest an anime because you guys assume I miss someone? Can I not do anything without you guys thinking it’s about a boy?!”

"Well, you never even mentioned anime once until now,” Seungmin points out, “the only reason you would is because of Jeongin—”

“It’s not about Jeongin!” you snap, burying your face in your hands in defeat. “God, I hate men.”

A chorus of offended ‘hey’s echo throughout the room which causes your eyes to roll. 

"After all this time? after all these years, sugarplum?" Jisung gasps, his hand over his heart in feigned offense. 

"Oh my god, you know what's not what I mean, Jisung," you huff, grabbing your phone from the coffee table as you stand up. "I'm going to get us more snacks, I hate this." 

You carry yourself to the kitchen and from behind you, you hear Jisung call out, "But you haven't taken the bowls with you!”

Without turning back, you make a face to yourself. "I'll just get new ones," you respond blankly.

The kitchen was a break you so desperately needed. While you could still hear the boys chatting in the living room, it was just muffled enough to keep your mind at ease. you thought you could get away with Jisung not mentioning Jeongin, but maybe you had put too much faith in him. 

You didn't mean it, really, but sometimes it got to be a lot. 

You unlock your phone and staring back at you is a photo you knew you should have changed earlier, but something inside of you just couldn't bring yourself to do it. 

It was an old selfie of you and Jeongin, one you had to beg him to take in the first place a few years prior. You both had your large winter coats on and his arm hung loosely around your shoulders as you both grinned into the camera. In the picture, you had a light blush on your cheeks—presumably from the cold—but deep down you knew otherwise. 

You brought up his contact. This photo was one where he isn't looking at you, but he’s still holding up a peace sign. Just the look of it and the memory of that day flashes in your mind, making you chuckle. 

Clicking on the text conversation, you're met with the last text you had sent him months and months ago, the small seen tick making you frown. 

I miss you... you type out the words slowly. Your thumb hovered over the send key, but you can’t bring yourself to press down.

The glassy feeling in your eyes appears and you blink the tears away rapidly as you let your finger fall on the backspace key, completely erasing the message before you lock your phone once more. 

What you didn't know was in his dorm room, bundled up in blankets like a burrito was Jeongin as he hopelessly scrolled through his phone. he had stumbled across a photo of Christmas lights that reminded him of you, and it took every ounce of his being to stop himself from sending it to you, finding himself scrolling through your message history instead. How could he text you so casually after what he did? Afterjust leaving like that without so much as a proper goodbye?

He watches your typing symbol come up at the bottom, only to have it disappear moments later—leaving him just as despair-ridden as you.

21.

You lost track of how long you had been cuddling against Yeonjun’s chest as Die Hard played on the tv. You had wanted a Christmas film, an actual Christmas film, however, Yeonjun was adamant that this did, in fact, count, as it happened around Christmas day. 

You gaze up at Yeonjun, your eyes lingering on his own. You smile at how much focus he has on the movie, to the point where he’s hardly blinking. 

You originally knew Yeonjun from your neighborhood, which kind of makes things go full circle for you in a way. Him being an older kid, though, meant that you never had a reason to know him personally or even have a chance to talk to him. He stuck with his group, and you stuck with yours. 

But in a weird twist of fate, you met again when you got a part-time job at a small family restaurant just off of your university campus. After a few awkward conversations and some catching up, you both seemed to warm up to each other and Yeonjun soon asked you out on a date… you happily said yes.

Yeonjun is amazing. He's patient with you, smiles at you like you light up the whole sky, looks after you when you feel ill, he takes you on adventures at midnight for snacks just because you mentioned you were hungry. 

He’s, on paper, your dream guy. Handsome, understanding, open and caring. You like him, you really do. Yet, it always feels like something's missing—but you can never put your finger on what.

The end credits of Die Hard roll across the screen, causing you to lift your weight from off of Yeonjun and stretch your arms out around you. 

“I should get home,” you yawn, causing Yeonjun to pout slightly. 

He reaches out to grab your hand as he whines. “Do you have to?” 

You match his pout, nodding your head slowly. “Yeah, I should get back before it snows.” 

“You don’t have to,” Yeonjun muses, and you watch the corners of his mouth twitch into a hopeful smile. “You could… stay over for Christmas? What do you think?”

Your breath hitches at his words, stiffening like a board as you stare at him with wide eyes.

“Stay… over for Christmas?”

He seems to notice the hesitation in your voice, and he begins to rub gentle circles with his thumb on the back of your hand.

“Think about it,” Yeonjun continues, “waking up together on Christmas day? It would be so cute!” he grins. You could practically see the tiny hearts floating about his head. 

Stay over for Christmas. He doesn't know about it, but the whole sentence makes you feel uneasy. The implications and everything they bring with them—not to mention all the memories they invoke—are too much for you to handle at that moment. Not that you’d be the first to admit it

“I— I shouldn’t,” you start, your heart hurting as Yeonjun’s lips twist into a frown. “Baby, Soobin’s here and I don’t want to make things awkward for you by intruding.” 

Yeonjun sits up suddenly, his fingers linking with your own. “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind, plus he enjoys your company. Not as much as I do, obviously,” Yeonjun cheekily grins at his words, sending a wink your way.

You huff a laugh. “Regardless,” you say with a roll of your eyes, “I... I don’t think I feel comfortable staying here yet.” Your own frown seems to match his. “So I'd rather get back before it starts snowing.” Your shoulders drop and you focus on his fingers that are busy playing with your own. “I’m sorry.” 

One of Yeonjun’s hands moves from your fingers and delicately slides against your cheek, guiding your head so you’re looking up at him. Whilst you can see hints of sadness behind his eyes, his smile is one of comfort and understanding.

“Don’t be silly.” His smile grows. “I like you and we can go as slow or quick as you want.” His hand moves from your cheek as he lightly brushes your hair out of your face. “Don’t be scared to tell me, we’ll work through it together.” 

Your heart swells at his words and you lean into his touch, placing a small kiss on his palm. “You’re too sweet to me,” you mumble. 

He disagrees. “No, it’s just the decent thing everyone should do, They're your boundaries, I’m not going to be an idiot and push them.” 

“How did I find you?” You wonder aloud. His cheeks tint red and his smile somehow grows even wider than before. 

“No, no, how did I find you?” 

Your foreheads lean against one another, and you can feel his breath ever-so-slightly tickle your skin. 

“Can you guys stop being disgusting now?” a voice huffs from behind you two.

You and Yeonjun jump apart from each other and you turn to see his roommate, Soobin, standing with a scowl plastered on his face, an empty cereal bowl in hand. 

Yeonjun grumbles to himself, muttering ‘You're just jealous,’ as he grabs your hand, guiding you past Soobin and towards his dorm room door. At the same time, you quickly call out a goodbye to Soobin and Yeonjun sighs sadly when you both stop at his door. 

He pulls you close and you can feel his body heat seeping into you. It almost, almost, makes you want to stay, as you would rather be in the warm arms of your boyfriend than face the ten-minute walk home in the cold.

“Text me when you get home?” Yeonjun asks into your shoulder and you hum in response. 

“I will." 

Before you pull away completely, Yeonjun places a light kiss onto the side of your lips, leaving you open to steal one right back. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” this time Yeonjun is the one to hum. A small smile plays at his lips. “I love you.” 

You still for a moment at his words. You should say them back—you know you should—but you just can’t. They’re on the tip of your tongue and yet you fall silent instead. You settle for stealing another kiss from him and reaffirming your words from earlier, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

You can tell his smile is dripping in sadness, but you're unable to bring yourself to utter the words he so desperately wants to hear back from you. You look back and wave for a final time before you exit the hallway that leads you to the elevators and out of the building. 

When you finally make your way outside, you take a deep breath; it feels almost like a huge weight has been lifted from your shoulders. The pressure of staying over with Yeonjun is gone. But now in its place is another burden you’re not ready to think about. It had started creeping into the back of your mind the moment he said those words—a reminder of times gone by. Of another boy with dark hair and eyes that sparkled and those same, fateful words.

As you walk home, you shake your head, trying to push back the tears already threatening to cloud your vision. You’ve spent too long shoving down and ignoring those feelings just to ruin everything now by bringing them back up. You aren’t ready to think about it now and, as you look up at the clear, cloudless sky, you’re not sure if you ever will be.

It did not snow that winter. Not a single flake fell from the sky. 

22.

After years of not going to the neighborhood Christmas party, it feels weird to be back.

The party happens to be at Yeonjun’s family’s house this year, and once Yeonjun found this out, he jumped at the chance to introduce you to his family. You couldn’t help but smile at the hope swirling in his eyes that day as he gushed about how much they’ll love you.

But being the sweetheart that he is, he definitely noticed the doubt swimming in your eyes. He tried his best to reassure you, telling you how sweet his family is and how excited they are to finally meet you. 

That’s what wins you over, and now you’re here. The feeling of being home, or, at least, a few houses away from it, brings a warm feeling to your chest. To be able to spend it with your lovely boyfriend only deepens the feeling.

In a weird way, though, you notice bits and bits, just minor details that others seem to gloss over, that only tug at your heartstrings. From the movie playing on the flatscreen, to the gingerbread house tha’s about to be devoured by a wide-eyed seven-year-old, it brings this feeling of nostalgia that you can’t quite shake off. The more the night goes on, the more it seems to eat at you.

If you didn’t already think this was some weird full circle moment of sorts, you definitely do now.

Everywhere you look, all you seem to get is mirages of past times. Faint traces of Jeongin linger in the crevices of your mind. Even if it had been two years since you last saw him, he stuck to your memories like glue. 

You tried your best to push those memories to the side—to push the ick you felt every time something that reminded you of those moments away, even if it did send a chill down your spine. 

But Yeonjun just had to utter those words. “Want to stay over for Christmas?” 

It made you physically pause, the words processing in your mind. Ten years worth of memories surf through your mind at lightning speed. The slight word change gives you the worst feeling in your stomach you have ever felt—it was like a huge pit of emotions had opened up inside of you. 

You take a breath and exhale it slowly. “Do you mean stay for Christmas?” 

“Stay for Christmas, stay over for Christmas,” Yeonjun sighs, “same thing.” 

“It’s different,” is all you can mumble in response. 

Yeonjun groans, leaning his weight onto his hands that are placed on the counter sides. 

“One word difference.” 

You snap to face him, a stern look making an appearance on your face. Your voice dripping with irritation, you say, “But there’s still a difference.” 

You can cut the sudden tension that arises with a knife and it’s like that is exactly what Yeonjun chooses to do. He stands straight, turning to you, and you can see how tense his jaw is—like he’s been holding everything in, and how it’s now about to burst open at the seams. 

“We’ve been together for over a year and you still can’t even stay over. And when I offer to spend Christmas with you because I know it’s your favorite time of year, you fight me on it.” Yeonjun runs a hand through his hair in frustration. “Is it because I’m the one that’s asking?” 

“What?” you gasp, shaking your head. “It’s just, it’s stay for Christmas. Not stay over, not stay with, it’s stay for Christmas.”  

Yeonjun squeezes his eyes shut, hand still in his hair. All you can do is stare at him, waiting for what he says next. Once he does open his eyes, you can see the fogginess as in them, and when he speaks again, you feel like you’re being torn in two.

“But I’m not Jeongin, I can’t ask in the way he would.” 

You open your mouth to speak, shocked at his words, but nothing comes out. 

“What does Jeongin have to do with this?” You question. “I like you because you’re you, Yeonjun, not because you’re someone else.” 

You both stand there, staring at each other and you can’t help but feel like neither of your words are sinking in. Like they were falling onto deaf ears. 

“Well what about the snow?” Yeonjun suddenly asks. Had he been spending too much time with Jisung? 

“Yeonjun, baby, it’s just the weather,” you look at him with soft eyes, but all it seems to do is break him more.

With a hiccup, he tries to keep his tears at bay, “Then how come it never happens when we’re together?” 

You have to look away from him, not because you don’t care, but because if you look at him any longer, tears would spill from your own eyes. It would only just make everything harder than it already is.

Yeonjun’s sniffles fill your ears and from the corner of your eye, you can see him wipe his tears away. Even when he takes a few steps towards you and takes one of your hands in his, you’re still unable to look at him in fear of breaking. 

“I’ll walk you home,” he whispers gently. 

You gaze at the floor and nod your head, squeezing the hand that held yours. He squeezes it right back in a silent understanding. It’s like you hear both of your hearts cracking like glass in the silence, but it was unlike any type of heartbreak you had ever felt before… 

It can’t compare to the heartbreak you had with Heeseung, or even the heartbreak you felt when Jeongin left. This is its own brand of heartbreak, one that would last and one that would carve itself into your heart, a cruel reminder that will follow you for all time.

The walk back to your apartment is a quiet one. Your fingers stay linked with Yeonjun’s, and every now and then, you’d squeeze each other’s hands to remind yourself of the moment—of the feeling of your hands entwined with each other. 

When you’re outside of your door, it’s bittersweet and it’s heartbreaking. And when Yeonjun reluctantly draws his hand away from yours, you want everything to chase after it with your own. 

This is when you finally look up at him. 

His eyes are red and fresh tears have prickled up in his eyes as soon as they meet yours. As soon as you see his tears, your eyes quickly well up to match his. 

“We should,” he hiccups. “We should take some time apart.” 

You squeeze your eyes shut, sniffling away the sob that crawls up your throat. You feel Yeonjun’s light kiss on your cheek, and that sob defies you, escaping your lips. 

When Yeonjun pulls away, he speaks softly, as if speaking any louder would break him completely. “We’re on different pages and we both deserve people who aren’t.”

His lips linger on your cheek, like a silent plea begging you not to let him move away, but to pull him closer. To tell him that you both could make whatever it is you called a relationship work. 

But you don’t, and he soon pulls away, the warmth of his lips is quickly replaced with a damp, cold breeze. 

You regret opening your eyes when you do because you’re met with Yeonjun’s own tears rolling down his face. With no attempt to stop them, Yeonjun hiccups and looks away from you. 

“I’ll see you around, Y/N,” his voice strains. 

As he walks away, you open your mouth to yell out for him, but nothing comes out when you try. You just watch as he slowly disappears down the hallway, his shoulders hunched, shuddering slightly every time a quiet sob escapes him. 

You can’t tell if you’re lucky or not when you enter the apartment and realize that Jisung isn’t home. On one hand, you wouldn’t have to cry in front of him—on the other, you really don’t want to cry on your own. 

You trudge your way to your room, a numbness overtaking your body. You crave the warmth of your blankets and can’t wait to let them hold you in comfort as you cry for the rest of the night. 

When your blankets are secured around you and long after the tears have dried out, you sit there in self pity. Your phone is staring up at you, and you somehow find your way to your camera roll. An album of photos of you and Yeonjun sits right by your recents, and you’re hesitant to click on it. But you do, and the collection of photos from the past year and a half makes your heart wrench all over again.

You wish the relationship didn’t end this way as badly as he did, if not more. Yeonjun was perfect in every way—sweet, understanding, patient—yet, somehow, it still wasn’t enough to keep you two together.

“But I’m not Jeongin.” His words echo in your mind as you swipe through all of your selfies with him. He’s right: he’s not Jeongin. But that shouldn’t have mattered… right?

“I can’t ask in the way he would.”  He can’t.

Or can he?

If he had not flubbed the iconic line, not even with the slightest one-word difference… would you be where you are right now?

You let your phone drop onto the mattress as you ponder. Burrowing yourself further into your blankets, you try to imagine Yeonjun saying the line correctly this time. ‘Stay for Christmas?’ he’d chirp, hope lighting up his beautiful brown eyes. ‘Stay for Christmas?’ he’d pipe, a pure smile pulling his soft lips upward.

But it doesn’t feel right.

No matter how you try to picture it, there’s something about those words leaving Yeonjun’s mouth that makes your stomach twist. As hard of a time as you gave him about getting the phrase wrong, imagining him getting it right almost feels worse.

Maybe he can’t pull it off like Jeongin can. Maybe he was missing the awkward little beat Jeongin always carried when he uttered those three little words. Maybe he lacked the sheepish glow Jeongin always seemed to have creep up his cheeks when he said it, regardless of how coolly he tried to pull it off. Don’t forget the way he’d stupidly wiggle his eyebrows at you, and the faint little giggle that followed as he scrunched up his nose in embarrassment.

It’s a charm you truly believe only Jeongin could pull off.

But it shouldn’t have mattered that much. Jeongin wasn’t your boyfriend—Yeonjun was. And it’s not like Yeonjun didn’t have his own charm to him. His was more classic romantic, per se—always showing up at your doorstep with roses and a sweet smile, surprising you with dinner, taking you out for midnight drives while you blast both of your favorite songs. He’s a true Romeo, a type of lover that only exists in the movies.

“But I’m not Jeongin.”

You can’t stop Yeonjun’s gut-wrenching words from haunting your mind. It’s like the toll of a bell, its low tone ringing in every corner of your skull, shaking every crevice of your brain. Really, it shouldn’t bother you this much. 

For starters, Jeongin is no Romeo. You’ve witnessed him try to be one firsthand—multiple times, actually. The keyword here is ‘try’.

There really were no suave, overly romantic elements to Jeongin, like there were for guys in the movies. He doesn’t need big gestures like flower bouquets bigger than your head to show that he cares. It’s all in the details, the smaller things he did, how he knew you nearly better than you did yourself. Taking you to see the lights all those years ago meant more to you than any grand movie gesture ever could have. Ultimately, he doesn’t need anything else because he is enough as it is. It’s a thought that slowly crept in over time and you never even noticed until it hit you like a brick. He’s not picture-perfect, but that’s not who you want him to be.

He’s just… Jeongin. 

A part of you wants to admit it, but maybe, just maybe, he and stay for Christmas were what pushed your love for Christmas and the winter season more. But now that he isn’t here, that’s why it isn’t the same. 

Because is there really a Christmas without Stay for Christmas?

The longer you stare at the folder, filled to the brim with photos of you and Yeonjun over the course of your relationship, the more unbearable it becomes. Your thumb hovers over the back button, soon letting fall against the screen. 

Scrolling away as far as you could from it, another folder that instantly causes a mountain of flashbacks appears. Giggling at the joke title you named the album, you stare at it for a moment. You aren’t sure when the last time you looked at this album was. 

As soon as you click on it, you’re hit with a wave of bittersweet nostalgia so hard, it almost hurts.

It’s a compilation of photos of you and Jeongin, dating back to when your parents handed you your first smartphone. You’re able to scroll so far back that you can find photos of Jeongin in that obnoxious purple sweater. Somehow, as you look at it in that moment, it doesn’t seem as obnoxious as it used to be… 

Maybe it had grown on you, like stay for Christmas had grown on Jeongin. 

And how pictures of Christmases before (and all-year-round photos) made your heart seem to swell in a way you hadn’t felt in a while. All the lights that grazed your presence when you were with him, all the longer-than-necessary hugs you two shared in the snow, even the thoughts, the memories of it, are like little static shocks sending metaphorical butterflies swarming around you. It plays at your chest like a flute and it makes you begin to wonder… if the thought of Yeonjun or actually being around Yeonjun, or even his touch, made you feel that way.

You’d think since Yeonjun is—was—your boyfriend, you wouldn’t have to think so hard for the answer. Yet here you are, comparing everything you felt with Jeongin to how you felt with Yeonjun over the past year. 

It opens up the box of feelings you’ve tried so hard to push away. This time though, there’s no stopping it as everything bubbles up and spills over. 

You continue looking through the photos of you and Jeongin, hardly noticing when the pictures start to blur slightly, fresh tears making their way down your cheeks. You missed him, you missed him so much it makes your chest hurt. There’s no denying that anymore, not that there was ever a point to it anyway. You missed everything about him, how he knew you like the back of his own hand to how effortless things had been between you two for so long. 

A teary smile makes its way onto your face, unable to stop the overwhelming warmth that tore through you as you gaze at one photo of you two. Jeongin had an arm slung over your shoulders, braces-covered smile beaming up at you from the screen. You had a grin to match, happy and effortless, without a care in the world. 

That’s how Jeongin had always made you feel, even during times when you had disagreements or fought over stupid things. At the end of the day, you always made your way back to him. Because ultimately, nobody else could make you feel the way he could—like you were safe, like you were home.

Eventually you ran out of photos to look through, and somehow you made your way to your messages, scrolling through and rereading old texts from Jeongin. 

i miss you… you type out, take a deep breath, and hit send.

Instantly, he responds, making your heart swirl treacherously. i miss you too.

A second later, another text appears from him, making one last wave of tears pool in your eyes. stay for christmas?

The timing truly couldn’t be any worse than this, but you can’t deny the real reason behind your outburst anymore. All the seemingly-random bursts of butterflies in your stomach when you were a teenager slowly start to make sense. All the times your heart would skip a beat whenever he looked at you a certain way, the telltale sense of warmth you felt when you were even around him; heck, the entire incident at the winter formal—it all adds up. 

There’s no denying who your heart yearns for anymore. And, if given the choice, there’s no denying which dark-haired boy you would live everything with all over again. No more running away, only running back to him—if only fate would let you.

wouldn’t miss it for the world.

23.

“Why so glum, chum?”

You barely move your head from where you’re curled up on the sofa to look at your roommate as he bounces into the living room. His overly energetic skips come to a halt right behind you and he looms his head above you, letting the corners of his mouth drag into an exaggerated pout.

You let out a slow breath and stare back at him with solemn eyes. The weather had dropped to the all-too-familiar December chill, rainbow lights adorned the city—heck, you’re watching A Charlie Brown Christmas for the third time in a row—but you can’t seem to will yourself into the Christmas spirit even if you tried. The reason seems pretty obvious to you.

For better or worse, the boy tapping his fingers on the back of the couch as he waits impatiently for your answer is one you’ve known for years. Over time, he’s morphed from the awkward older kid that ‘needs to take a couple babies under [his] wing’, to a sweet (when he wants to be)—dare you say, mature (again, when he wants to be)—older brother figure of sorts. If anyone knows why you’re so somber as you wallow in candy cane wrappers and your favorite ugly Christmas sweater, it should be him. 

“You know why,” you grumble.

You think that’s enough of an answer, but Jisung bends down to get a better look at you and attempts to pry more. 

“Hmm, do I?”

Another, more irritated huff leaves your parted lips as you turn to Lucy mercilessly grilling Charlie Brown, and you make damn sure your back is to your snoopy roommate.

Why do you even need to explain yourself to him? Jisung has literally had a front-row seat to the entire story since before he knew how to part his hair properly. He watched you slowly and hopelessly fall for your best friend before his very eyes since you were sixteen. He witnessed you delude yourself into a bottomless pit of denial for years, pushing yourself down so far that not even the most picture-perfect guy could pull you out.

Your life might as well be a sappy romance anime unfolding right in front of him, and Jisung knows every minute detail, every moment of development, every tear you shed for Jeongin like the back of his hand. He could whip up a play-by-play of your history with that boy faster than he can for the plot of Your Name—and he loves that movie.

But you guess as the older brother figure, it also means he has to annoy the living hell out of you for it. Not that he didn’t in the first place, but usually he’d, you know, comfort you when you’re upset. 

Waddling around the couch to plop next to you, with overdramatized puppy eyes boring into your soul, is not that comforting.

“Come onnn, Y/N,” Jisung sing-songs, poking at your cheek. “Talk to me.”

Your frown etches further downward. You don’t do anything to move his hand, though, and opt to just turn your head back to the Peanuts characters.

“Cheer up, sugarplum.” Jisung now squishes your cheeks in one hand like a doting mother. It earns a whine from you, and you finally slap his hand away.

“Jisung.” You sigh, keeping your eyes on the TV. “I’m really, really not in the mood for celebrating Christmas this year.”

It makes your heart ache to actually admit it out loud, but you’d be lying if you tried to say otherwise. Christmas will always be your favorite time of the year, but all the memories you carry with it hurt too much now. It’s all a gaping hole in your stomach that you can’t patch.

“I know, I know,” Jisung says simply, but a heart-shaped smile slowly forms as he speaks. You blink as you stare blankly at him—you don’t like that sparkle in his eye. 

That suspicious grin only widens as he utters his next words.

“That’s why we’re hosting a Christmas party next week.” 

Your heart stops for a second, and you stare at Jisung with wide eyes.

“We?!” 

You’re sure Jisung senses the aggravation in your voice. You already, and very blatantly, you may add, have made it clear that all you want for Christmas this year is to wallow in your blanket burrito and watch whatever cheesy film Hallmark was putting out. 

But of course, Jisung won’t let that happen. You know he means well, but you still wonder for a second why you agreed to move in with him once he graduated and came back home from college.

“You know this is my apartment, too, right?” you add. 

“I know, but just trust me!” He beams, and it only makes you scowl more. “Oh, wait…”

His phone flashes on, a notification popping up on his lockscreen, and whatever it is seems to elate his already excessively cheerful mood. You peer over his shoulder with curious eyes as his thumbs fly across the keyboard, but Jisung places a palm to your forehead and pushes your head away before you can get a glimpse.

“Nuh uh, that’s private!” He tuts, and you frown at him again. As he slides his phone back in his pocket, the cheesy smile returns to his face. Once again, you’re not a fan.

“I need you to trust me, okay?” he says. “It’ll be fun! It’s just gonna be you, me, and our closest friends. Promise.”

You’re still not super on board with the idea. Even a small hangout seems too much for you right now, and you can practically feel the flashbacks from the last few years haunting your mind as you think.

“I… I don’t know, Jisung.”

“If I give you hot chocolate right now, would that influence your decision?”

You watch as Jisung turns around, whipping out two to-go cups from right next to him. A small smile makes its way to your face as he hands you one.

“I’ll think about it,” you mumble, taking a sip of the warm drink.

The gesture is surprisingly enough to make you say ‘yes’ a few harrowing (for Jisung) hours later, and that’s how you find yourself at your and Jisung’s “Christmas Eve Eve Spectacular”. Why Christmas Eve Eve? Who knows, but you did hear Jisung mumble something about being able to go to your neighborhood party in peace. Weird, especially when he seems to know that it’s on Christmas Eve this year. 

Regardless, you think you did a good job of decorating the apartment for the occasion. Besides the small Christmas tree in the living room themed red and gold, you and Jisung had wrapped matching garlands above the curtains and hung wreaths on your bedroom doors. Your couch was adorned with throw pillows you had gotten on sale a week ago, and, because you didn’t have a fireplace, you opted to hang the stockings right above the TV instead. It’s very homey, yet screams young and broke at the same time.

The entertainment is even better. Something about Frosty The Snowman playing on the TV while a bunch of grown men yell at each other playing Twister just feels very college Friendsmas-esque to you. The best part? You’re in charge of the spinner. You can get your daily dose of Christmas cartoons without being trapped under a bunch of loud, sweaty guys.

“You’re cheating!” Hyunjin accuses Felix, slapping his hand from the yellow dot.

“It’s not my fault you don’t know what yellow means!” Felix yells back. He slams his hip into Hyunjin’s side and makes him topple over.

The taller boy gasps dramatically, pointing at Felix as he lies on the floor. “Now you really cheated, asshole!”

You snicker and shake your head at the boys’ shenanigans. You’ve nearly forgotten about the sour mood you were in just days ago; maybe giving in to Jisung’s incessant begging was the right decision.

Speaking of Jisung, he doesn’t seem too into the Twister game, and he’s usually one of the most competitive of the bunch. He was the first one out this round, claiming he “accidentally stumbled” on Seungmin’s hand as he “reached for the wrong dot”very early in the game. Weird.

From the corner of your eye, you can see him fervently checking his phone instead of watching the game, and sometimes, you’d catch a smug smile painting his face briefly before he quickly snaps back to a neutral facade. You’re tempted to snatch the boy’s phone from his hands and read whatever the hell is making him smirk so much.

After a moment, you focus back on the game. Seungmin and Felix are the only two left. Both are at the brink of collapsing, their entangled arms wobbling under them, and you’re placing bets with Hyunjin on who will fall first.

Felix’s arms give out first, after attempting to contort around himself and Seungmin as he stretches for a red dot. He groans out in pain, and you unceremoniously shove five dollars into Hyunjin’s hands as he revels in his victory.

“Thanks for the early present, Y/N,” he says, smiling cheesily.

You make a face akin to a grimace and roll your eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”

“I want a rematch!” Felix’s voice audibly cracks as he whines, lying in a starfish position on the floor. 

“Why did you try to go under and not over me?!” Seungmin remarks with an incredulous stare.

Hyunjin snickers. “That’s what she said.”

You smack him on the chest as the other boys groan. “Oh shut up, Hyunjin!” You hiss, shaking your head at the very mature joke. “We can do a rematch, though, but it’s up to you two,” you add, pointing two fingers at Felix and Seungmin.

Before you bend down to fix the bunched-up Twister mat, you turn to Hyunjin one more time. “And no more dirty jokes!”

The doorbell rings through the small apartment, making a look of puzzlement cross your face. You know you aren’t expecting anyone besides the boys that are already here, so you look to Jisung to see if he is. 

“Did you order takeout, Ji?”

Jisung shakes his head at you, but a small smile graces his lips. “Nope.”

You blink. “…Did you order a package?”

He chuckles lightly. “One could say that.”

The growing gleam in his eye makes you furrow your brow more. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

His small smile morphs into a Cheshire-like grin.

“Why don’t you get the door and find out?”

You stare at him with a twisted face as you slowly get up. You really, really don’t like that sparkle in his eye.

Your stomach jumps with uneasiness as you make your way to the door. Part of it was due to Jisung’s odd phrasing, but regardless, you’re almost terrified to find out what lies on the other side. You just cross your fingers and hope it’s a terrible gift at best that you can pretend to like.

Your hand shakes as you slowly twist the top lock open, then the bottom. Then you pull the door open, and you feel your heart rattle in your chest at the sight.

“…Jeongin?”

You feel like you’re dreaming as you stare at the boy in front of you. Jeongin has a comfy, dark purple sweater over a white hoodie—an actually decent shade of purple that’s pleasing to the eye. He runs a hand through his messy black hair as he smiles at you, letting out a deep but nervous chuckle when he realizes he’s just fluffed his hair up more. He’s grown it out since you last saw him, and his bangs perfectly frame his face, some strands falling in front of his eyes.

You feel the breath sucked out of your lungs. Not because he looks good (but you’re not denying that), or because you pick up a hint of sandalwood and amber lingering from him that nearly makes you dizzy—but because you feel all the memories from over the years flood in all at once. First come the good memories, and there’s tons of them. The several times you played hooky with him, the night he took you to see the glittering lights… the day you first met. It all brings a warm feeling to your chest, sending your heart fluttering as a light blush coats your cheeks.

But right after the good, you’re brought back down to earth with the bad. You’re fortunate that the bad is so little compared to the good, but the night before he left for college so suddenly is one you just can’t erase, no matter how hard you try. Memories of concerned glances and the surging feelings of regret and heartbreak make themselves known once again. Every moment of longing and the mixed feelings of wanting to reconnect with him, to be by his side again, causes your insides to twist in uncomfortable ways.

You can’t tell if you want to yell at him after leaving and not telling you himself, or if you want to run into his arms and never let him go.

Say something, Y/N, your mind screams at you as you remain frozen in place. But what are you supposed to say to someone so dear to your heart, that also happens to be the reason it’s ached for all these years?

You draw in another breath, and you stammer out the first thing that comes to mind.

“H-Hi.”

You mentally slap yourself. That’s all you have to say? You have been yearning for this moment for three years, and all you can come up with is ‘hi’?

Luckily, Jeongin seems to reciprocate, mumbling a “hey” back with an awkward wave, but you still want to kick yourself for your pitiful attempt at a greeting.

You turn around to see Jisung visibly deflate at the interaction. It’s clear now that he’s had this surprise planned for a while, and all his offhand murmurs from the past week about ‘getting the band back together’ are starting to make much more sense. 

He blinks, and in a moment’s notice, his frown is gone and he sweeps in to save the moment.

“Jeongin, come here, my honey sweet!”

You chuckle fondly as Jisung smothers Jeongin with bone-crushing hugs and excessive hair ruffles. It’s just like when you were all awkward tweens and teenagers in the school hallways, except Jisung wasn’t randomly popping up behind you two, and you were all considerably shorter. You forgot how much you missed that.

“We’re about to play another round of Twister,” Jisung chirps after a minute, his arms still securely around the younger. “But I think Hyunjin, Felix, and Seungmin all want to go against each other, so you can go next round.”

Hyunjin cocks a brow. “No, they just said everyone can joi—”

“No they didn’t, Hyunjin,” Jisung bites back through gritted teeth, and sends the blond a look that makes him cower back to the living room. 

Once Hyunjin leaves the room, Jisung turns to a confused Jeongin. “Y/N’s spinning. You can keep her company, maybe catch up a bit while you’re at it?” he suggests.

Jeongin smiles lightly, but he’s shoved into the living room with you in tow before he can verbally respond.

You’re both unceremoniously pushed into your tacky Christmas pillows, and Jisung hands you the spinner. He even does the first spin for you, and sends you a wink as he moves to sit by the window.

You just blink, waiting for the arrow to come to a full stop. “Seungmin, left foot on blue,” you call when it does.

As Seungmin is stepping onto the end blue circle, you spin the spinner again, nibbling on your lip anxiously as you feel Jeongin’s body heat radiating onto you. It makes you want to squirm, and you try your best to keep your eyes on the spinner. 

“Felix, left hand, red.” 

Felix mumbles to himself, but you’re not sure what as you’re not really listening. Once he settles on a dot, you flick the spinner again. 

Jeongin clears his throat and fiddles with his fingers in his lap. “How have you been?” He attempts—keyword: attempts—to ask casually. 

You’re so focused on watching the spinner, all you do is hum in response. When the spinner slows and stops, you clear your own throat. “Jisung, right foot, green,” you call out, “and… alright,” you mumble afterward. “I’ve been alright, you?”

He watches you as you flick the plastic arrow again. “I’ve… I’ve been okay…”He trails off like he wants to say more, but he remains quiet. 

“Hyunjin, left hand, yellow.” 

You’re not sure how long you guys sit there silently for, but your insides feel like they’re trying to claw their way out of you. Maybe ten minutes of silence feels like ten hours, and you desperately pray for the game to end so you could do literally anything else.

If only your thirteen-year-old self could see you now. Maybe you were too dramatic that Christmas, because you are sure this just took the throne as The Most Awkward Conversation Of Your Life™. 

Out of nowhere, a loud gasp booms over Michael Bublé’s “Have A Holly Jolly Christmas”, the boys’ shouting, and whatever cartoon autoplayed after Frosty ended. Everyone’s heads snap to Jisung, who stares with sparkly eyes at the world outside.

You lean past Jeongin to get a glance. Light gray skies, slow-floating crystals, fluffy white blanket… it makes you break out into a grin. So does Jeongin, who smiles fondly as he pats your knee. The move makes you want to do backflips.

“Oh my god, snow!” Jisung cheers, already scurrying for the door. He mutters something about it being ‘just what he needed’ as he zips past you and Jeongin, but quickly turns on his heel when he sees neither of you move a muscle.

“Um, hello?!” the older boy chastises you and Jeongin, tossing you your coats and hitting you both in the face. “It’s the first snow of winter, what are you doing?!” He claps his hands for emphasis, but not before he shoves a pair of mittens into both your hands. “You need. To see. The snow.”

You exchange a knowing look with Jeongin but follow Jisung’s hasty instructions. Neither of you seem to move as fast as he wants you to be, so he does the job for you by hurriedly, but carefully, pushing you both down the stairs and to the lobby.

Jeongin presses his lips into a thin line, stepping closer to you as Jisung dashes back up the stairs to get the rest of the group. You smile back politely, but say nothing else. 

You turn back to the stairs at the sound of Jisung’s voice bouncing off the walls. Whether he knows you two could hear him or not, you don’t think he cares, considering that he’s already yelling at the top of his lungs.

“SEE!” He motions around himself widely. “I TOLD YOU IT’D SNOW WHEN THEY WERE TOGETHER!” A dopey smile covers his face as he holds his hands up to his chest, like he himself had just miraculously fallen in love. “It’s like magic!” 

Judging from a quick glance behind you as you make your way toward the front doors, Hyunjin seems to fully indulge in Jisung’s antics, smiling brightly and hopping up and down as they bound down the stairs. Felix and Seungmin, who trail behind them, don’t seem nearly as amused.

“Jisung, bro,” Seungmin blinks, “It’s literally just the weather.” 

Jisung’s smile drops instantly and he glares at the brunet boy, pointing a finger at him. “No! You had to be there for everything, trust me! I’M NOT CRAZY, WATCH!” 

The listless look doesn’t drop from Seungmin’s face as he follows his overly chipper friend downstairs.

Jeongin snorts, lightly bumping his shoulder into your own. “He’s still on that?” 

You open the front door for the both of you, rolling your eyes. “He never stopped, seriously.” 

The cold air hits you instantly and you’re glad Jisung gave you your gloves to wear. You scan the area around you and the only other people in sight are a group of children across the street. The ever-growing white blanket in front of your apartment complex is all yours and Jeongin’s—anything’s free game.

Unfortunately, the delicate, white crystals fluttering down around you do nothing to help the tension looming between you both. It followed you out of your apartment like a dark storm cloud, and now it’s raining on your snowy parade. You hate it. But you don’t know how to get rid of it.

“Sooo…” you start, and just as quickly trail off. “What now?”

Jeongin just shrugs, watching a snowflake fall to the ground. 

You sigh, mostly to yourself. Looks like you’re going to have to take the lead. You begin to roll up a ball of snow, making it bigger and bigger in hopes of building a snowman.

The bigger and more round your snowman base gets, the more that the little rain cloud between you and Jeongin seems to shrink away. Even though you haven’t said a word to the boy and nearly forgotten he was even there, something about playing in the snow together in silence is… healing. It’s therapeutic in its own right, the soft crystals somehow bringing a feeling of warmth to your chest as you bring out your inner child.

Just as you’re finished with the top body part and you’re lifting it up ready to place, a sudden impact of cold, wet snow hits the back of your neck and begins to slither down your back. This results in you dropping the snowman’s body and you gasp as it breaks apart into heaps on the floor. 

Turning around, you pout as Jeongin looks at you with a cheeky smile playing at his lips. He looks away, whistling innocently and shoving his hands into his coat pockets. Your glare hardens and you quickly pick up the precious bit of used snow, squishing it into a ball before lobbing it in Jeongin’s direction, just barely missing his left arm. 

“You need to work on your aim,” Jeongin remarks cockily, and you scrabble another snowball in your hands. 

Throwing the haphazardly-made snowball in his direction, his laughter fills your ears and makes the butterflies in your stomach fly. You duck as his own snowball is about to hit you, and it just skims the back of your head. 

“This is war!” You glare at your best friend. “You made me mess up my snowman!” 

“Why focus on your snowman when you can focus on me?” Jeongin laughs, making your heart speed up again. 

You hide behind the pitiful remains of your snowman and hold your hands to your cheeks. Sure, you were in a war, but you couldn’t let him see that his words affected you. You could have blamed it on the cold, but would Jeongin really believe it?

“You can’t hide forever,” Jeongin sings, his voice getting nearer and nearer. 

Keeping a watchful eye over your shoulder, you attempt to make a bunch of snowballs as you try to will the color on your cheeks away. You try to calm your breathing, suppressing any giggles that threaten to come out as you grow your small pile of ammo.

As you scramble to prepare for whenever Jeongin plans to pelt you with snowballs, all your worries seem to melt away. Adrenaline rushes through your body as you hear Jeongin’s boots crunch in the snow, but you also feel a wave of calm wash over you. It’s just you, Jeongin, and the white blanket of snow surrounding you two. Just like when you were little.

You missed this.

A small giggle escapes your lips as you peer over your shoulder one more time. Jeongin doesn’t seem to be sneaking up on you—in fact, he’s nowhere in sight. You turn around and let out a sigh of relief. You’re safe.

Until you notice Jeongin towering over you, smirking deviously.

“Did you miss me?”

You let out a squeal, backing yourself against your crumbling snowman as you frantically chuck snowballs his way. He seems to be unfazed by it, only chuckling as the snowballs split into pieces as they hit his chest, and he steps closer to you. 

Soon, you’re resorting to flinging pathetic scoops of snow at him as you try to scoot back. You’re in a fit of giggles as he inches closer, your heartbeat quickening his pace as you chuck one more blob of snow to hopefully deter him. 

It strikes him square in the face.

Your jaw drops in surprise, and you can only watch as Jeongin wordlessly wipes the snow off his face. You search his face for any sign of hurt, fearing you might’ve gone too far, but you only find a mischievous glint in his eye.

Oh no.

You gulp as he drops to his knees and continues to close the gap between you, his smug smile growing wider. A nervous giggle escapes your lips as you watch for his next move, and you grab another handful of snow in your mitt to get ready to fight back—then you feel his fingers at your sides.

“Jeongin, stopppp~!” 

You’re unable to control your laughter as Jeongin mercilessly tickles you. Any attempts at pushing him away are quickly proved fruitless by a shove of his hand, and you’re left thrashing around helplessly as he continues to torture you. 

You’ve practically been thrown into the pillow of former-snowman behind you by the time Jeongin sits back and lets you go. Gasping for air, you let out another giggle as you watch him bend over, hands on the snow by either of your sides as he catches his breath as well.

The air around you falls silent as you stare up at him. You search his face again, your chest heaving up and down. You can’t find any more signs of incoming mischief, but you find his soft gaze staring back at you, and the rosy color pricking at his cheeks. You assume his blush is from the cold, but you know yours is from otherwise.

Another few seconds pass and Jeongin still hasn’t tormented you. A smirk slowly spreads across your face as an idea sparks on your mind. 

Before you can even think it through, you spring up, arms outstretched as you pounce in his direction. He has no time to react before you tackle him, fingers going to his sides as you tickle him and get your sweet revenge. 

“You asshole!” You shriek in between giggles.

It’s now Jeongin’s turn to try to shove your hands away as he scoots back, an endless stream of giggles escaping his mouth as well. Hearing his laughter ring in your ears makes you laugh more in turn as you shuffle after him. You both grapple around for a moment and eventually land on the ground, you on top of Jeongin, your legs all tangled together.

You tickle him for another second when you look up and pause. It’s then that you realize just how close your faces are to each other, and suddenly, you forget how to breathe. Everything goes still for a moment as you stare at him with wide eyes. One more movement and you’d be kissing him.

You pray that Jeongin doesn’t feel your heart hammering against your ribcage as you’re pressed up against him, but you can’t help but wonder if his heart is doing backflips in his own chest.

Unable to take the thoughts swirling inside your head anymore, you roll off of him and onto your back, looking up at the sky. Tiny snowflakes fall around you in a light, gentle flow, but a steady one—it almost feels reassuring. It’s like the universe is sending you a message, in its own special way, that everything will be alright. 

You take a deep breath and look over at the boy next to you. His eyelashes flutter against his cheeks as he blinks, wide eyes gazing up at the snow. A couple snowflakes seem to fall on his face and he scrunches up his nose as he giggles. A fond smile decorates your lips as you watch him, and you feel your heart quicken its pace once again.

Another moment passes and Jeongin turns his head to you. “What's wrong?” he asks, eyebrows furrowed slightly. 

You shake your head and start moving to stand up. “It’s nothing, just…” you trail off, unsure what to say next. You hold out a hand to help him to his feet as well. 

The two of you stand in silence for some time. You take a small step closer to him, and you can’t deny the way your heart swells in your chest as you take in the scene around you. The snow seems to dance around you two, swirling around gently as if the crystals are casting a gentle spotlight on you both. When your eyes land back on Jeongin, you note the snowflakes that dot his chestnut hair and perfectly complement his slightly messy curls. It’s adorably awkward, but he looks cozy, like… almost like home.

He turns his head to look at you and gives you a smile that sends warmth spreading through your whole body. There’s a gentleness to his gaze as his eyes meet yours, and the way he reaches over to move a strand of hair away from your face nearly makes you melt. A faint blush dusts his cheeks as he steps closer to you, closing the distance between you two, and you hope he doesn’t notice your already rosy cheeks glow a deeper red.

“Stay for Christmas?” he whispers.

There’s no helping the grin that grows on your face at the familiar words. 

“Just come here.”

You can hear the squeals of the children across the street (and Jisung from behind you), but you feel at peace as you lean up to wrap your arms around Jeongin’s neck. A small chuckle reverberates through you as you feel him snugly hug you back, and you tuck your head in his shoulder.

You still don’t believe the snow is the seasonal deity that Jisung swears by, but something about the way it gently cascades down feels like it’s wrapping you both in a warm blanket and reassuring you that you’re okay. That you’re home. As Jeongin gently rests his head against yours and sways the two of you back and forth, you realize that this was what you were missing the whole time; not only in your old neighborhood, but during the time Jeongin was away.

Turns out the magic you always felt during this time of year wasn’t just in the snow. It wasn’t just in the whimsicality of Christmas cartoons, or your utter fascination with the holiday lights, either. It’s the feeling of comfort that comes with it, the feeling of knowing that someone who cares about you will be there to do it all with you a thousand times over. That special feeling that only Jeongin has been able to give to you all these years, even if it’s awkward at times, even if you’ve consumed one too many cups of hot chocolate for his liking… the feeling of being home.

You realize that Jeongin is more than just your best friend and your longtime crush—he’s home. And if it takes a bit of snow to realize that, that’s magic enough for you.

24...

Christmas has changed a lot since the previous year with you and Jeongin officially being back at best friend status—not that he had ever left. But just knowing he’s finally home is enough to rekindle your affinity for the holidays that you’ve been lacking for the past few years. Now it’s finally here, and the fire inside you is burning brighter than ever. 

With it being a newfound tradition in the Y/Nsung household—funny enough, you actually coined the name—your apartment this year is once again the main headquarters for all things Christmas festivities. And this time, it’s on Christmas Eve. You thought it’d be fitting, considering your shared history with Jeongin over the date. Like last year, you took care to decorate the apartment to a T, pretty garlands and shades of red and green glistening all over the living area.

The party had very much been a success, with only a few disagreements (read: screaming matches) between Hyunjin and Felix about who was actually better at the chosen game, and who was, in fact, cheating. You suspected both of them cheated at some point, but decided staying silent was probably the better option. 

And after a hearty meal of Chinese take-out from the 24/7 open restaurant, the three boys, minus Jeongin, called it a night and headed out for the comforts of their warm beds. You could still hear Hyunjin and Felix arguing as they left, with a sulking Seungmin behind them, grumbling something about having to listen to them all the way back to their hotel. 

You close the door behind them and turn to your best friend. He’s standing rather close to you, making your heart speed up slightly. The small smile that covers his face leaves you feeling comforted, loved.

It’s crazy how much can happen in a year. The awkwardness you feared would persist after being apart for three years had melted away after Jeongin (and Jisung) surprised you with his return, after that impromptu snowball fight that set your heart alight. You two spent the following few days doing some much-need catching up, and now, you’re closer than ever. It was like he never left home. Or, rather, like you were finally home.

“I thought you would have gone with them,” you mention, your own smile playing at your lips. 

Jeongin shrugs, opening his arms out wide, indicating his need for a hug. “Just wanted to spend more time with you.” You giggle, shuffling into his arms. “Without all of the yelling,” he finishes his sentence as a mumble. 

“Yeah,” you sigh into his chest. “This is much nicer.” 

Maybe it’s weird to say that you feel something in the air shift. Or maybe it was the way Jeongin subtly changed his grip on you, but something seems different all of a sudden. 

“Are you okay?” Your voice comes out softer than you expected, but when Jeongin holds you tighter and just sighs, your suspicions become elevated. 

He lets his arms fall from you and he slips one hand into your own, leading you back into your living room. An uncomfortable silence sifts between you two.

“Jeonginnie?” you finally say after another moment.

“I need to talk to you about something.” He frowns, pulling you down so you’re sitting next to him. “It’s serious.” 

A frown of your own instantly takes its place on your face. Jeongin sits there, his gaze on your one hand in his lap, and he plays with your fingers in hopes of calming himself down. 

“And I need to tell you because I don’t want what happened before to repeat itself.” Jeongin explains. “I don’t want to go however many years to go by again because I didn’t tell you myself.” He continues, now looking at you. 

Eyebrows furrowed, you gaze at him. “Jeongin, what’s going on?” 

“I… I got a job offer…”

You’re about to open your mouth and congratulate him, then he finishes his sentence, finally looking you in the eye.

“…but it’s two cities away.” 

If Jeongin listened carefully enough, he could’ve heard your heart crack in your chest.

“Oh…” 

He nods his head solemnly. “My parents are flying out with me tomorrow night to go check out apartments.” His gaze falls back to your hand that’s on his lap, and his voice grows softer as he continues to explain. “We’ll be back by New Year’s, but… once we settle on a place and sign the lease…” 

“…You’ll be leaving again,” you quietly finish his sentence, your voice wavering at the end. He nods once more. 

It’s like you were nineteen all over again, but this time, you had Jeongin in front of you—almost softening the blow. All the emotions you felt after he had left the first rush back to the surface all at once, and you nearly feel like you’re drowning. 

But you stuff it all down. You shove it back in the crackling dam that is your heart, at least for the moment. You can let out your frustration with the world when Jeongin goes home. Not now.

Be strong, Y/N. 

“We can still text,” you begin, your voice filled with hope—at least, you pray that’s what comes across. “And call and FaceTime.” 

The sides of Jeongin’s lips turn up into a small smile. Slowly, he moves his hand so it’s wrapped in yours, entwining your fingers together and giving it a reassuring squeeze. 

“We will.” He looks up at you again. “I just wanted to be the one to tell you this time.” 

You squeeze his hand back. Your heart races. “I appreciate that.” 

A thick, heavy silence spreads across the room. You’re too focused on gazing into Jeongin’s eyes to care about the world outside of your little bubble with him. But your heart cries out, not wanting the moment to end. Not when this could be the last night you see Jeongin for a while.

You want to hold his hand and hold him in your arms and never let him go. But you know you can’t do that. Not when this job could be a big deal for him, not when it could change his whole life. 

So you let the warmth from his hand seep into yours. You let your head fall onto his shoulder. You let the butterflies fly in all directions at the sight, and feeling, of his sweet gaze on you. The one you’ll miss so dearly when he’s gone.

The one you’ll cherish for as long as you can.

“YAHOOOO!!”

A loud yell echoes throughout the apartment, causing your stares to break and Jeongin to drop your hand. With the yell coming from the only other known person in the apartment, you silently think of the ways you’d hurt Jisung in his sleep tonight for ruining the moment.

Soon, a trail of slamming doors and footsteps are heard, growing in frequency and volume as they get closer and closer to the living room. Then the living room door swings open and slams against the wall, Jisung’s hand stopping it from bouncing back and hitting him in the face whilst he prances into the room with the largest gummy smile you've ever seen. His cheeks are all pink and he looks like he could burst into happy tears at any moment.

“Guess what, my babies!” he sings, maybe a little too lively, “Looks like your guardian angel came to the rescue, Jeongin’s not leaving tomorrow!”

Blinking, you sit there, your lips twisting into a confused grimace as he dramatically wipes the corners of his eyes with his sleeve. You want to wholeheartedly believe your fanatical roommate. You wish so desperately for this to just be some bad dream you’re about to wake up from. But the way your heart continues to squeeze in your chest, even as Jisung skipped into the room so cheerfully, tells you all of this is real. The idea that a last-minute Christmas miracle is about to turn things around sounds too good to be true.

You’re about to interject and beg Jisung to explain, but he beats you to it, sensing the skepticism on your and Jeongin’s faces. “Look outside!” He feverishly points to the window. “You’ll see what I mean!”

Lifting your head off Jeongin’s shoulder, you exchange confused looks with the younger boy as you both get on your feet. He leads the way to the window by your front door, blindly reaching behind him for your hand and connecting your fingers when he finds it. You notice Jisung wiggling his eyebrows at you and almost let go to make him stop, but Jeongin lightly squeezes your hand before your fingers can slip away. 

Heat rises to your cheeks as you push the blinds to the side, and you hope Jeongin doesn’t glance your way and notice. Luckily, he’s too occupied with gaping at the scene outside. And so are you.

It is, in fact, snowing—and it’s snowing hard. Wind howls against your thin apartment walls as the icy flakes come pouring down, a thick, white fog blurring your view of the street below you. 

“Wow…” you mumble to yourself. In the fifteen or so years since you’ve moved, you’ve never witnessed a snowfall this hard. Let alone on the first snow of winter.

“It’s snowing like this all over the country,” Jisung remarks, showing the two of you the weather report on his phone. Jeongin scrolls through the list with one finger and, to his horror, the city where his new job is located is there. 

“You know what that means?” Jisung continues, a small smirk on his face. “No leaving, at least for a few days.”

You keep your gaze out the window, your spirits brightening at the news. As selfish as it was, you could barely control the surge of happiness bursting inside you at the thought of having Jeongin around for a little while longer. 

Maybe a Christmas miracle is possible.

You completely miss Jeongin’s loved-up stare as you look back at him, a concerned frown on your face. “What about your flight tomorrow?”

He shrugs, rubbing his thumb in circles on the back of your hand. “I’ll figure something out,” he mumbles.

He steps closer to you, and you swear you see sparkles in his eyes as he gazes into your own. You forget Jisung is there as the taller boy leans down until your noses are nearly touching. A small smile grazes his features as he whispers, a gentle but playful timbre to his voice:

“Stay for Christmas?” 

“I– um– uh–” you sputter at the sudden close contact, your eyes widening in surprise. You take a second to breathe and recompose yourself before you try again, sheepishly gesturing to the window, “I don’t think you have a choice.” 

You carefully watch Jeongin for his reaction. He seems to lean forward, inching his face even closer to yours, and you feel your breath get caught in your throat. 

The boy squeezes your hand and leans his forehead against yours, a shameless grin on his face as he flashes you a wink.

“Fine by me.”

You pray that he can’t hear your heart pounding in your chest, or that he doesn’t mention how red your cheeks are. You note the pink tint dusting his cheeks as he steps back, in case he decides to tease you for the latter. Despite your embarrassment, the shy giggle that slips out his mouth still makes you smile.

Jisung suddenly breaks the moment with a dreamy sigh, a hand flying over his heart. “And it’s all thanks to snow!” 

You roll your eyes dismissively. “How much longer are you going to keep on about this magic snow?” you ask, causing Jisung to snort. 

“As long as I want, Miss Tuxedo Effect.” 

You can practically hear the shit-eating grin on Jisung's face. You drop Jeongin’s hand as you snap your head to the older boy, throwing a scowl his way.

“‘Miss Tuxedo Effect?’” Jeongin questions, an eyebrow raised as he looks between the two of you. 

If your cheeks weren’t already as red as a tomato, they surely are now. “Don’t ask,” you grumble, swiftly heading to the kitchen to try and evade his prying. To your disdain, he follows you like a lost puppy.

“What’s he talking about?” he asks again. When Jisung, who’s treading behind you two in amusement, goes to open his mouth, you glare him into silence.

“It’s nothing.”

That seems to shut your overly curious best friend up long enough for you to pour yourself a glass of milk. The less Jeongin knew about the tuxedo effect incident, the better. You don’t need two boys torturing you about it, especially when the first one still refuses to let it go after eight years.

You watch him in silence as your drink heats up in the microwave, his eyebrows knitted together as he tries to search your and Jisung’s faces for answers. You maintain a poker face, but of course Jisung revels in Jeongin’s nosiness.

“Jeongin, think about it,” he hums, casually taking a bite of one of Felix’s cookies. You resist the urge to slap it out of his hand.

“Don’t,” you glower at him.

“How many times has she seen guys in tuxedos?” Jisung continues, his cheeks casually puffed up with food.

“Depends,” Jeongin looks to his friend and shuffles closer to you, “are we counting movies?”

Jisung snorts, nearly spitting out a chunk of chewed-up cookie. “Don’t include movies!” He covers his mouth with one hand as he gulps the bite down. “You’ll never narrow it down if you do!”

Your jaw drops in offense as the boys fill the kitchen with giggles. “Hey!”

An embarrassed flush creeps onto your cheeks again and you turn to pull your mug out of the microwave. You take a sip of the warm milk as you stew quietly, waiting for their laughs to die down. 

“Okay, okay, seriously,” Jisung pipes up after a moment, stifling another giggle. “If you just look at high school…” he glances at you, his mouth quivering into a teasing grin, “she’s only seen guys in tuxedos, like, three times.”

“It was more than three!” You exclaim defensively, placing your mug down before you list off… every single time you’ve seen a boy in a suit.

You can’t believe you’re having this conversation.

“There was junior prom,” you hold up a finger, “senior prom,” you hold up another finger. You hesitate, then add, “the one time I went to homecoming—”

“Hey, that homecoming one doesn’t count!” Jisung protests. “You volunteered for extra credit!”

You groan and throw your hands up in defeat. Okay, maybe it was only three times, but you’d rather do anything else than admit it..

“Then what else is there?!”

Jisung shoots you a challenging look, eyebrows raised as one corner of his mouth threatens to twitch into a smirk. Your exasperated look immediately drops. You know, Jisung knows… and a quick glance at Jeongin tells you he just figured it out.

“Don’t tell me it was the formal?” The taller boy watches you with wide eyes.

“Jeongin!” you whine.

He gasps, a hand slapping over his mouth as he leaps over to smother you. 

“It was!”

His name escapes you once again as you use his shoulder as a way to try and shield yourself from the embarrassment—and him seeing the bright red tint currently burning your cheeks. 

“You thought I was cute when I wore that oversized suit?” he chuckles, letting his arms go around you.

“Shit up,” you continue to whine. 

Jeongin’s deep chuckle basically vibrates through you, it makes the butterflies in your stomach scatter. Your ear tingles when you feel his hot breath brush against it.

“If it's any consolation, you looked really good, too.” 

You smack his chest and turn your head away from him in hopes of him not seeing your blush. It fails miserably. 

“Oh my god, you’re blushing so hard,” Jeongin coos, using his free hand to try and get you to face him again. “Look how cute,” he hums.

With his fingers on your chin, you shut your eyes tightly. There was no way you could look him in the eye and have a rational thought. Not now, not when he was being so open and—dare you say it—flirty with you. 

“You’re so annoying,” you mumble, your eyes still closed. 

On the contrary, you don’t know how much more your heart can take. You don’t even have to open your eyes to know Jeongin is still smirking his ass off. 

“You don’t mean that, right, Miss Tuxedo Effect?” 

Your eyes snap open, your jaw tightening in an attempt to glare at him. He did not just go there. But at this point, with this new cocky attitude, why did it even surprise you he’d stoop so low? 

“You—” Your mind lapses and you’re unable to finish your sentence. 

Jeongin tilts his head slightly, his smile still crooked. “You?” 

Maybe it’s by sheer luck on your part or utter stupidity on Jisung’s, but a small noise makes you both turn and look at the older boy, who has his phone held up at the two of you. 

click.

He backs away slowly, retreating to the living room door. “You'll thank me for these later.” 

Rolling your eyes, you stare at him. “Why? Because the magic snow told you so?” 

Jisung gasps, pointing at you with a glare. 

“It’s not magic snow, it’s fate and I’ve already proved it enough times!” He yaps on. Huffing, he crosses his arms over his chest and his eyes narrow at you. “By the way, Jeongin will have to sleep in your room.” 

You freeze at his statement and feel all the color drain your face. 

“Uh…” you gulp. “Why?” 

“Well you see,” Jisung starts. His eyes flutter around the room, unable to stay on you. “The… the pull-out is broken!” He snaps his fingers before pointing at you. “Yeah, yeah, last time Hyunjin was here, he totally ripped it to shreds, sugarplum.” 

You blink slowly. The last time Hyunjin was here was last month, and Jisung was using the pull-out last week just fine.

“It’s just so broken now,” the older boy continues on his tangent, making a tsk noise and shaking his head. “He said he’d replace it, but he hasn’t yet, so it looks like Jeongin is going to have to bunk with you.” Jisung tries to laugh as he shrugs his shoulders. 

“Uh…” you repeat. 

It’s not that you didn’t want to share your room, let alone your bed, with Jeongin. He’s been your best friend for fifteen years—if there’s any guy on the planet you are comfortable doing that with, it’s him. Not even Heeseung or Yeonjun reached that level with you.

But even though you and Jeongin are attached to the hip, you two were never this close. Especially not when your parents shut down every attempt to stay for Christmas growing up. Why didn’t they just let you two do it? Surely, if they did, this wouldn’t be making your palms sweat as much as they are right now. 

That wasn’t the only issue now, though. Not when he could be moving away any day now, if it weren’t for the blizzard outside. Not when it took you this long to realize what you would give for him to stay.

Not stay for Christmas. Just stay.

“I can sleep on the normal couch,” Jeongin suggests, breaking your train of thought. Jisung feverishly shakes his head. 

“No!” He yells, his eyes wide. “I mean, you can’t, it’s so uncomfortable, you’ll have a bad back. It’s better to share with Y/N!” 

Jeongin’s cocky attitude seems to dissolve in seconds. His smirk melts into a small sheepish smile, the tips of his ears turn pink, and he can barely look you in the eye. 

“Is that okay?” he asks in the smallest voice ever. 

It’s now or never, Y/N. 

“Sure,” you smile. “It’s fine.” 

Jeongin shuffles out of the room, leaving you to glare daggers at the boy who’s gone back to nonchalantly snacking on Felix’s leftover desserts.

“You are so full of shit,” you grumble, feeling the blood rush to your cheeks again.

Jisung just gives you a tilted smile mid-munch.

“Would it help if I said the snow told me to do it?”

You slam your hand on the kitchen island, throwing your head back in despair and frustration. “You’ve lost your mind.”

“I didn’t, the snow did!” Jisung yells after you as you stomp out of the kitchen.

As Jeongin hogs the bathroom and gets ready for bed, you replay your words over and over in your head as you pace back and forth in your room, creating a small draft. ‘It’s fine’?! Are you crazy?! It’s not fine. It’s not fine at all.

Why did you agree to let Jeongin sleep just centimeters away from you? Is it too late to back out and hide in Jisung’s room for the night? If anything, Jisung deserved it for a multitude of reasons, the primary one being his ongoing snow escapades. You don’t know why you didn’t try fighting back on that earlier.

Running a hand through your hair, you heave out a sigh and flick the lights off. You pull your duvet up and shuffle under the covers, bunching the blanket around your chest and letting your arms rest on top of it. A strange feeling swirls in your stomach as you stare up the ceiling, and you truly think about what you just signed up for.

After fourteen years, you’re finally getting that Christmas sleepover you and Jeongin have been joking about since you were ten. Well… the one you’ve been joking about since you were ten. Jeongin started it, then attempted to forget it existed for a while, then he started joking along with you. However, at some point… it didn’t feel like you were joking anymore.

You don’t remember when, specifically—if there even was a specific moment. You just remember that at some point, despite years and years of endless teasing on your part, you genuinely wanted this sleepover. With all the roadblocks you two had endured during your childhood and teen years, though, you thought it’d never happen. 

And now, here you are.

The soft click of the door opening causes you to look up. Light from the hallway floods into the room and Jeongin smiles warmly at you. His hair is fluffy and he still has a few drops of water on his forehead from washing his face. He smooths out his oversized black t-shirt a little as his eyes meet yours, then he looks down and dusts off his gray sweatpants. You can’t help but smile fondly at the sight. 

His smile fades into something more timid as he closes the door behind him and shuffles over to the bed. Before climbing into the covers, he looks at you, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. 

“Is this…” he hesitates, “Are you sure this is oka—”

You chuckle, gently cutting him off. “Just get in the bed, Jeongin.”

A bittersweet feeling cascades over you as he tucks himself under the covers. It’s really happening. Your first Christmas sleepover has finally officially begun, after fourteen years of waiting. Somewhere in the back of your mind, though, you’re plagued with a brutal reminder that this could also be your last Christmas together. Ever.

You feel Jeongin move around a bit, soon settling and facing you. You shift onto your side after a moment, smiling tightly at him before letting your gaze drift out your window.  Snow continues to surge down, and the wind rattles against the glass. If it weren’t for the dim glow of the streetlight outside, you wouldn’t be able to see a thing.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer,” Jeongin mumbles after a beat. You don’t need more light to know he has a cocky grin on his face.

“I’m not even looking at you, dummy,” you scoff, pointing past his ear and out the window.

He turns his head around, following your finger. Once he lands his eyes on the window, his jaw drops slightly and nods in understanding. “I didn’t think it would snow this hard.”

His voice is soft but gentle, and it makes your heart skip a beat. You force out a chuckle in an attempt to ground yourself. “Should’ve known Jisung would’ve gone mad.”

Jeongin snorts, “He’s long gone, you know this.” He turns around again, the corners of his lips lifting up slightly. “But… at least I get to stay for Christmas.”

You can't help but smile back. “After all these years,” you muse.

“Yeah…”

A beat of silence. “Is this what you imagined it would be?” You ask, your voice quieter.

Jeongin purses his lips together, looking down for a second. “When I was ten? No.”

You both chuckle.

“I thought we’d be knocked out on the couch after eating too many cookies,” Jeongin continues before adding as an afterthought, “Well, after you ate too many cookies.”

You gasp in fake offense, lightly swatting at his chest. “Hey, you were just as bad!”

He scoffs, and another chuckle slips out. It’s like music to your ears.

Then another beat of silence.

“Was this what you imagined it would be?” He repeats your question back to you.

Your eyes meet his as you shake your head. ”No.”

It wasn’t… at least, not until you got older, but he didn’t need to know that.

Feeling some of the tension melt away, you and Jeongin continue to lie down next to each other in a comfortable silence. You aren’t sure how quickly you became accustomed to feeling his body heat seeping into you. In so little time, this image of Jeongin lying next to you, you want it burned inside your mind. The image of his hair so fluffy, you want to reach out and run your hands through it. The silhouette of him under the covers so cozy, you want to throw yourself into his arms.

How it had been a measly fifteen minutes, but this scenario with him… of you two being together… you want it forever.

“Are you okay?” Jeongin’s voice breaks the silence, as well as your train of thought.

You let out a sigh. “I… I guess.”

You can’t help but feel like this is some cruel twist of fate. That maybe the snow isn’t magical or special, but rather cruel and cunning—teasing you by giving you what you’ve always wanted, your stay for Christmas, only to rip it away from you so ruthlessly in a few days. 

All of the words you want to say, that you wish you could say, becomes a bitter pill in your mouth. It leads you to wonder if it was worth spitting it all out, or if you should swallow and shove it down instead. If anything you say in this moment, if you tore your chest open and bore your heart out for Jeongin to see… would it really change anything? 

You already know the answer, but it doesn’t mean you can’t try.

“I…” you start. “I don’t want you to leave.” 

While you were lost in thought, Jeongin had shifted himself so he was laying on his back, staring up at the ceiling. He exhales and you can practically see his breath in the air.

“Honestly?” he sighs. “I don’t either.” 

“Then…” you hesitate. “Then can’t you just stay…” your voice shakes. “…with me?”

It feels weird not asking that he stay for Christmas, but you have that covered right now. You know it won’t last forever if you’re not careful, though, so it’s pointless to try.

So it’s not stay for Christmas, for once in your life. Just stay. 

He rolls over onto his side so he’s facing you and he places his hand ever so near yours. “I wish I could. but hey, we’ll work it out.” He smiles reassuringly. “Just like you said, we can text, we can FaceTime, we can visit…” 

Pushing your lips into a thin line, you nod. “R-Right. Yeah.”

Gently, he grabs your hand in his, rubbing the back of it with his thumb. “We'll make it work. We’re…” He pauses. You can’t pinpoint what in his eyes changes in the dark. “We’re best friends for a reason, remember?”

You sigh. “I… I guess.”

But was there a reason? Sure, you may have asked him if he wanted to be your friend when you first moved to the neighborhood, but you didn’t plan any of this. Nine-year-old you just needed a friend to ease your mother’s worries—you had no way to know what fate had in store for you two when you did get that friend. 

Now Jeongin is way more than a friend to you. More than the awkward boy in an obnoxious purple sweater you met all those years ago. He's, to keep it short, home. And you don’t know if you can handle losing your way home a third time.

Maybe the reason was simply fate, because all of this—it just kind of happened. And now you’re stuck, unsure what to do next… or maybe you do.

You hesitate for one moment, then take a deep breath. 

“But it— it’s more than that.” 

You stare at your entwined hands, watching how Jeongin continues to caress the back of your hand with his thumb. Swallowing your nerves, you look up to catch his eyes.

Here goes nothing.

“Jeongin, I really don’t want this to mess up what we have, but I…” you pause. “I fell for you.” 

You attempt to gauge his reaction. You can’t read the look in his eyes, but somehow, it urges you to keep going.

“I’m sorry this is so sudden,” you start again, your voice shaky, “it’s just— you’re such an important part of my life, you always have been.” You feel your eyes prick with tears. “And even when you were gone, I always found myself wanting to run back to you.”

You pause again, softly biting down on your lip as you struggle to swallow down your pounding heart. You take one more deep breath.

“It’s… it’s always been you, Jeongin.” Your voice cracks, a small whimper escapes your lips. Your eyes continue to well as the floodgates open in your heart, and you look down before you completely break. “I-I can’t lose you again.”

You attempt to blink your tears away, but a few manage to slide down your cheek, seeping into your pillow. Shaking your head, your lower lip quivers, and you choke out a sob.

“Y/N…”

Jeongin slips his hand out of yours and you try your best to calm your breathing. He slowly moves his hand up, gently brushing away a few stray hairs that stick to your face, and you look up at him through glassy eyes. Your vision blurs, but you sense a feeling of longing, an almost-bittersweet swirl of warmth and affection radiating from Jeongin as he gazes down at you.

As he moves to cup your cheek, wiping away a tear with the pad of his thumb, the sound of your pounding heart rings in your ears. The sensation seems to fade into the background when he begins to speak.

“I fell for you, too. I… I have been for years, actually.”

Your breath hitches in your throat at his words. He smiles tenderly at you as you sniffle, wiping away another tear.

“It’s always been you, too, Y/N, and I hate that it took so long to realize it,” he breathes out after another moment. "If anyone should be apologizing here, it’s me.”

“Jeongin…” you mumble, but he shakes his head firmly. 

“I never should’ve left the first time without saying goodbye.” The boy sighs, remorse pooling in his eyes as they meet yours. “It— it hurt so much to think about, but leaving you like that hurt even more.” His gaze drifts down for a moment and he slips his free hand into yours, giving it a gentle squeeze. Smiling lightly, he looks back up at you, his regrets replaced with a newfound conviction. “I’m not letting that happen again.”

A new sensation overwhelms you: one of relief, of euphoria. It fills the empty gaps in your chest, and causes the butterflies in your stomach to take flight. It’s as if you had been stranded at sea for years and finally found land, as if you had one puzzle piece left before everything seamlessly clicked into place. For the first time in years, everything feels right. Jeongin’s gaze, so sugary sweet like honey, makes you crave more.

His smile widens, causing yours to do the same. “I guess we have one more reason we have to make this work, then, right?”

A small giggle escapes you so quickly that you can’t even catch it. Jeongin catches the few tears—tears of happiness this time–that slip from your eyes, before pulling you into his embrace, fully immersing you in his warmth. You hug him back tightly, tucking your head into his shoulder and never wanting to let go.

“I love you, Jeongin,” you whisper.

You feel Jeongin press a light kiss to the top of your head. When he pulls away, he reaches a hand up, gently cradling the back of your head as he brushes his nose against your hair. 

“I love you, too, Y/N.” 

This image of you and Jeongin… all snuggled up, warm and safe in each other’s arms throughout the night... this feels right. This feels like home.

You’re home.

...to 25. (epilogue)

The bitter air churns around you as you step out of Jisung’s car, and you immediately regret not wearing a larger coat instead of just your cardigan. However, before you can pull it closer to you, you feel Jeongin slide his hand into yours, entwining your fingers together. Sighing contentedly, you lean into his shoulder and gaze up at him.

“You okay, there?” He rubs his thumb over the back of your hand. “I know I look dashing, but still.”

You scoff lightly. “‘M just cold, Jeongin.”

Smiling, he turns his head to face you, his breath warm against your ear.

“Okay, but try not to fall too hard for me, Miss Tuxedo Effect.” 

Rolling your eyes, you use your free hand to hit his chest. “Shut up.” 

His chuckles are like heaven in your ears. You want to hear more of it, even if it’s at your own expense. And you knew he was never going to let you live “tuxedo effect” down. Just like Jisung and his “sugarplum” ordeal, this was just another nickname you’d have to put under your belt—not that you minded much, not when you got to hear Jeongin laugh in the way he does. 

Your attention gets brought back to him once you feel him squeeze your hand lightly. Your eyes linger on him and shift to the subtle light shining from your front porch. You notice how stiff he’s gotten, wide eyes staring blankly at your house like a deer in headlights.

“You okay?” you ask quietly, rubbing the back of his hand with your thumb. 

He sighs and hesitantly nods. “Just… nervous.”

You smile. Following the events from last Christmas Eve, Jeongin moved into his new apartment close to his job at the end of January. By the beginning of summer, he and Jisung helped get you a job closer to him so you could move in with your now-boyfriend.

Despite having an extra month together after Christmas, neither of you exactly… broke it to your parents that you two got together. You don’t remember if it just slipped your minds or if you two wanted to surprise them, but either way, they’ll find out in just a few moments. Given your history with the Christmas party and Christmas as a whole, you both agreed there’s no better place to break the news.

Getting up onto your tippy-toes, you place the lightest kiss onto his cheek, but pull away far too quickly in Jeongin’s opinion. “It’ll be okay.” You squeeze his hand. “I’m right next to you.” 

He glances at you, a smile playing at his lips. “Always?” 

You hum, nodding. “Always.” Then you give him a quick once-over and huff, a grimace twisting your mouth. “But do you really need to wear that?”

Jeongin looks down at his outfit, and his smile slowly grows more bashful as he fixes the tie of his tuxedo. Meanwhile, you’re left to painstakingly replay the events from five minutes ago in your mind.

The scene itself mirrored the one from when you were sixteen: Jisung in the driver’s seat, you in the passenger seat, and Jeongin trying desperately hard to get changed in the backseat, Mariah Carey taunting him from the speakers. Every now and then, Jisung tried to push his luck by jolting the car forward. 

It was all way too similar, except this time, there was no sneaking Jeongin out of the house. Also, there was really no need for an emergency tux this time around. Yet, somehow, Jisung still convinced him to put it on.

“I just want to make a good impression,” you hear Jeongin squeak out a moment later. You look back at him and he’s frantically smoothing out his suit jacket, and a light pink blush dusts his cheeks and the tips of his ears. You have to restrain yourself from smothering the boy with kisses at the sight. 

“Babe, you already have a good impression,” you chuckle adoringly, “you grew up here, remember?”

Your boyfriend gazes at you with wide eyes, uncertainty glazing his features. You step closer to him, taking his hand in yours again.

“It’ll be okay,” you repeat, allowing Jeongin to lace your fingers together. “And Jisung did not need to bring the suit with us.”

“But it’s an emergency tux, Y/N,” Jeongin says. “You have to keep it around you in case you need it, it’s in the name!”

“This isn’t even a fancy emergency!”

“But Jisung said it’s a romantic one! That counts!”

You let out a deep sigh, but you can’t be too mad at Jisung for trying to help. “Fine, fine.” You wait a moment then wonder aloud, “Speaking of, when do you think Jisung will get back?” 

Since Jisung still lives in town, he welcomed you both back to his apartment with open arms and, in true Jisung fashion, an excessive amount of babying. He had taken the liberty of not only driving two cities away to pick you two up (he claims he came for a job interview anyway—you don’t not believe him, but you think he also just missed you two), but also dropping you both off at your house before driving off to get coffee.

Jeongin shrugs. “Who knows? He does love his coffee.”

You chuckle fondly. “He’ll catch up later.”

Pulling Jeongin by the hand, you lead the way up the pavement and to the confines of your house. 

Even though it hadn’t been long since you were last here, you missed it dearly. You also missed the way your house was now adorned with Christmas lights. Every year, your dad always seemed to outdo himself with putting up better and better lights. You are sure he had been planning it since last year, that maybe he had already started on next year’s lights, too. 

When you walk through your front door, you’re met with the smell of cinnamon and sugar cookies. There’s light Christmas music in the air and everyone is scattered around, laughing, drinking, and having a merry time. Your mom and dad are nowhere to be seen—you assume they’re in the kitchen somewhere, checking on guests or snacks. You figure you’ll bump into them eventually.

You find countless familiar faces in the sea of people. You see old families that have lived in the neighborhood since before you moved here, families that you have come to view as part of your own. You spot the kids you grew up with; some who are freshly-turned teenagers, and others who have since grown up and started their own lives. You even see Yeonjun, sharing a drink with his girlfriend.

While it was awkward between you at first, you both came to terms with what you had and what you were. You two loved each other, but not in the way that the other wanted or needed. He was a memory, carved into you like stone, but a cherished one that you will hold deep in your heart.

Your eyes meet and you both smile instantly at the sight of each other. His eyes glance back at the boy beside you and you can see how he laughs, his smile growing wider. His eyes meet yours again, he nods his head and you nod yours. 

There’s no need for spoken words. You’re both happy, and you’re both happy the other is happy. Everything you two went through, from your journeys together to your journeys apart, has led you to this moment. 

Ultimate happiness. 

Jeongin pulls your attention back to him, leading you through small groups of people, and you turn back one final time to send Yeonjun a smile. When you look back around to see where Jeongin is guiding you, you see his mom sitting at the dining table, munching away on some snacks on a paper plate. 

She looks up with a bright smile; you’re sure it’s where Jeongin got his from. However, her smile soon melts into confusion at Jeongin’s peculiar outfit. Rising from her seat, she pulls her son into a hug. 

“Hey, sweeties,” she hums, pulling away from Jeongin after a second, keeping her hands on his shoulders as she looks down at his ‘emergency tux’. “Why are you wearing a tux? It’s just the Christmas party.” 

“I told you,” you mumble from beside him. 

He huffs, pulling and lossing the tie around his neck. “I just… it’s dumb.” 

“No, no,” you pout. “You look great, don’t worry about it.” 

Chuckling, Jeongin runs a hand through his hair, his eyes landing on you as he smiles. 

“Of course you’d say that, Miss Tuxedo Effect.” 

Rolling your eyes, you mutter to yourself as Mrs. Yang giggles. 

“Well, for whatever reason you’re wearing it,” Mrs. Yang pinches Jeongin’s cheek causing him to attempt to pull away. “You look very handsome, honey sweet.” 

“T-Thanks, Mom.” 

Pulling on Jeongin’s hand, you fish into your bag, pulling out a pair of black jeans and an almost-obnoxious shade of purple sweatshirt. Dubbing them an ‘emergency change of clothes’, you now know you were right to pack them. 

“You packed spare clothes?” Jeongin asks as you shove them in his hands. 

Humming, you nod your head. “Of course, I knew Jisung would try and fill your head with some foolish idea.” 

“It wasn’t…” You cut him off with a look. He doesn't finish his sentence. 

He puts the jeans over his arm, pulling the sweatshirt out to see. You almost fail to notice the way the tips of his ears, once again, turn pink as he smiles. 

“I thought you hated this color,” he laughs. 

Pushing him forward and in the direction of the stairs, you concede. “Eh, it grew on me. Now please change.” 

Jeongin continues to laugh as he struggles against you. “I’m going, I’m going!” 

When he comes down a mere five minutes later, the now-discarded tux in his hands, you can tell he’s far more comfortable than before. He leaves it on the couch and takes his place beside you once again, slipping his hand into yours. This time, you take the initiative to thread your fingers together.

A gasp leaves Mrs. Yang’s parted lips when she notes the way her son beams down at you. A warm glow seems to encircle him, and you can almost count the specks in his sparkly eyes when you look up. There’s nothing but affection swimming in his loved-up smile—just pure endearment for you.

“Did you two?” She watches you two with wide eyes. 

You and Jeongin suddenly look away from each other. Bashfully, you let your gaze fall to the floor, and you feel a tinge of red tickle your ears, but you don’t bother to let his hand go.

He doesn’t, either. He just squeezes your hand lightly as he nods, letting out a shy giggle.

Mrs. Yang gasps again, her hands flying over her mouth. Like mother, like son.

“You did!”

Without warning, she springs up from her chair. “Oh, I have to go find your father, now!” she gushes, pulling Jeongin into a bone-crushing hug. When she lets go of your startled boyfriend, she turns to you, squeezing you tight. “And your parents, too!”

You let out an embarrassed chuckle as you hug her back. When you both part, Mrs. Yang turns on her heel and scurries to the kitchen. 

Jeongin snaps his head towards you as his mother’s figure disappears into the crowd. His lips twitch up to an amused grin—it only grows wider when you match his expression. 

You shake your head to yourself, leaning your forehead against his shoulder. You feel Jeongin’s hand snake around your back, and you let out an exasperated sigh as he pulls you into his own hug.

“Parents, am I right?” he comments. His other arm hooks snugly around your waist, bringing you in closer. You shake your head into the crook of his neck as your own arms go around the boy.

“If that’s how your mom reacts, imagine what mine’s gonna do,” you mumble into his skin.

For better or worse, you’re quickly proven right.

“Ohhh, look how cute!”

You know exactly what happens next without even moving your head. Your mother, amidst her endless gushing about how she’s been “waiting for this day for years!”, scrambles to pull her phone out of her pocket, making a beeline straight for the camera app. Her mouth is probably gaping up and down like a fish, and she’s most definitely shuffling around the crowded space for the best angle. If your and Jeongin’s fathers were dragged along, they do nothing to stop her (not that they could to begin with, but still).

You don’t need to look up to know, and you don’t want to. You’d much rather her not see how red your face is, anyway.

“Okay, don’t move!” your mother orders. “One, two…”

“Mom!” you whine, burrowing yourself further into Jeongin’s sweater.

As your mother fulfills her need for pictures, Jeongin’s giggles ring in your ears. You try to focus on that to will your embarrassment away.

“Are you done yet, Mom?” you speak after a moment. A pout forms on your lips when she tuts.

“Uh uh, I need more!”

“You don’t have enough yet?!”

“There’s never enough photos!” A hearty, teasing laugh leaves her throat, chiming over the music for a second. “You know this, sugarplum.”

“Wait, so that’s why Jisung calls you ‘sugarplum’?!” Jeongin questions. He almost pulls back to get a better look at you, but you grip onto him tighter before he has the chance.

“Yes, and that’s my sugarplum!” Another familiar voice cries out.

Stepping back from Jeongin, you turn to see Jisung standing there with a childish frown on his face. He holds a take-out cup in one hand, and lets go of a girl’s hand to point at Jeongin with the other.

Wait… who’s the girl? You’ll have to get back to that.

“You’re her boyfriend, call her ‘baby’ or ‘boo-boo’ or something,” he adds, exaggerating his pout. “I claimed ‘sugarplum’ years ago!”

You roll your eyes. Technically, your mother claimed it first, but you know she’ll let Jisung go.

“Please don’t call me ‘boo-boo’,” you say, blankly staring up at Jeongin. Instead of responding, he reaches a hand up to pinch your cheek.

“Aww, is someone blushing?” he coos.

You push his hand away with a whine, earning a giggle from him and both of your moms. “Not you, too!” 

The girl next to Jisung leans over to him and whispers something in his ear. You aren’t sure what, but the boy responds to her with an “I told youuu,” a whimsical ring to his voice.

Jeongin glances at the girl, then at you, his face twisted in bewilderment. All you can respond with is a shrug.

“Ah,” Jisung pipes up, sensing your confusion, and he gestures to the brunette next to him. “This is Lia.”

She gives you all a small wave, quickly looking down and smoothing her maroon sweater with one hand. You all exchange greetings back, and Jisung continues, a sheepish smile on his face.

“We met during college, and, uh, I ran into her at the cafe just now.” The older boy scratches at the back of his neck, and a rosy glow rises to his cheeks. “She told me she just moved here, actually, and I figured I’d show her around… make her feel at home, you know?”

A warm smile paints your lips. You think of when you first moved here, how the community welcomed you and your family with open arms. Even if your grumpy nine-year-old self didn’t appreciate it, your twenty-five-year-old self couldn’t be more grateful. “You’re gonna love it here,” you say to Lia.

Lia smiles back, and she seems to relax at your words. “Thank you.”

“Oh, aaaand,” Jisung cuts in again after a moment. He tenderly takes Lia’s hand in his, sending her a bubbly, heart-eyed grin as he swings their hands between them.

“Do you really have to open with this?” Lia says softly.

“Yes, I do!” Jisung squeaks, his voice jumping higher than normal. “They’ll get it, trust me!”

He glances hopefully at you and Jeongin, his eyes wide and bright. The two of you exchange confused looks with each other. What could he be talking about?

A second later, it clicks. Why else would Jisung be hopping up and down so eagerly, about ready to jump out of his hoodie any minute now?

“Don’t tell me you met during—” you begin.

“During the first snow!” Jisung finishes your sentence in a singsong. He tapers off with a dreamy sigh, and his eyes seem to sparkle more when they land back on an embarrassed Lia.

“He just means the second time around,” she clarifies with an awkward cough. “The first time was during spring.”

Your first instinct is to roll your eyes at your friend’s ongoing infatuation with the snow, but a fond chuckle takes its place. You had stayed up many nights talking with Jisung when you lived with him, the two of you sprawled out like starfish on your kitchen floor as you shared thoughts about the future, the simultaneous excitement and uncertainty of it all. If there was one thing Jisung was firm on, it was his hope that he’d meet The One during the first snow of winter, that the twinkling little snowflakes would be his guiding star to his person.

“Love at first snow,” was what he called it, “…you know, like you and Jeongin.” As much as you found the phrase irritating at the time, you never bothered to correct him.

But of course, it’s one thing to have hopeless romantic fantasies, and another to have them come to life. It’s kind of endearing, maybe heartwarming in a weird little-sister-figure way, to observe Jisung’s increasingly lovestruck daze as he relives the recent memory—you can practically see the hearts dancing around his head. But that’s not the point right now.

So this is the girl Jisung always texted you about during college.

You recall countless conversations about how pretty and smart and sweet she was, and even more of him blowing up your phone at three in the morning for date ideas (“the more aesthetic, the better! :D”). Even though he successfully asked her out, he still never let it go that they never saw the first snow together before they broke up.

Despite her embarrassment, Lia seems to mirror Jisung’s loved-up smile. From what he told you, they parted ways on good terms—something about both of them graduating soon and having different mindsets, he said, but they both agreed to stay friends. But something tells you that, even after all this time, they’re still on the same page about the first snow… and maybe some other matters, too.

You can see it in their eyes: the feverish look that makes their irises shimmer as they gaze at each other, the almost-overwhelming amount of affection that swims in their pupils and makes the corners of their lips twist up. You recognize it all too well—it’s the exact same way you used to look at Jeongin. Every once in a while, you still catch yourself doing it.

It’s nothing but fate, at this point, when you notice faint white pellets of snow are still hitting the window in your peripheral. An overjoyed smile of your own quickly overtakes your features, and when you look up at Jeongin, it seems like he’s thinking the same thing as you.

With an infectious giggle, Jeongin grabs your hand, but you sharply turn to Jisung and Lia before he can pull you away. Your boyfriend's small whines fall on deaf ears, and he childishly tugs at your hand as you try to get the lovebirds’ attention.

“Hey, do you wanna go see the magic snow or not?” you call out, half-teasingly and half-genuinely.

In a snap, Jisung’s lovesick daze flips into a triumphant smile as he turns to you. “So you admit it’s magic?!”

You roll your eyes, giving Jeongin’s hand a quick squeeze to calm his impatience. “I needed to get your attention somehow,” you say, “but just this once, I’ll admit it.” 

The way your friend seems to light up like a Christmas tree is enough to make you give in. You do owe him for his stunt last year, after all—you’re more than happy to let him have this one.

“Now, do you want to go see the snow or not?” you ask after another moment, a small smile etched on your lips.

“Of course I want to see the snow!” Jisung chirps.

As he looks to Lia for her response, his puppy-love daze making a return, you allow yourself to take in your surroundings. The warmth teeming around you from the Christmas party is one that never gets old, no matter how many times you come, and no matter how long you’re gone. It brings a wave of peace to your heart, even as a couple of screaming children run a lap around you and your friends.

Your chipper boyfriend begins to pull you to the front door with him, making you lose your step for a second, and you find yourself meeting Yeonjun’s eyes from across the house one more time. Before you lose sight of him, you nod to the window several feet away from him, sending him a wink to him before you turn around. Even if you weren’t meant to be his love at first snow, the least you can do is make sure he got his.

By the time you look away, Jeongin has already pulled you both to the front door, Jisung and Lia already dressed and waiting for you two. Hastily, he throws on his coat before he scrambles through the pile of shoes by the doormat to find his own pair.

You’re about to do the same, then you realize…

“Right, I forgot my—”

“Your jacket?” Jisung calls out. Without another word, he digs into his backpack and tosses you the coat you left behind at his apartment earlier. You slip it on with a relieved smile, mouthing a ‘thank you’ before getting your shoes on and swinging the door open for all four of you.

Soft, puffy snowflakes dot the ground around you as you begin your stroll down the sidewalk. You hear Jisung and Lia’s musings behind you, but they fade into a quiet buzz as all the memories from your childhood flash before your eyes. The houses you pass by are ones you used to see everyday on the way home from school, and the sidewalks are ones you used to run around on during the weekends. You never would’ve thought you’d be back now, reliving it all with the people you love most.

It gets even better, though, when Jeongin nudges your shoulder, and points to a grassy area coming up ahead. You follow his finger and gasp, immediately recognizing the spot.

Reaching for his hand, you break into a sprint and pull the boy with you to the neighborhood park, the two of you almost tripping due to the slippery snow. The park is almost the exact same as it was when you first moved. Some parts had been upgraded over time, whereas others still seemed heavily used and loved by the younger children around the neighborhood.

Your eyes glaze around the small park and you could almost see a vision of nine-year-old you, standing near your mother as she pushes you to speak to the other children—to make some new friends. You could practically see nine-year-old Jeongin hanging upside-down from the monkey bars, adorned in that now less-obnoxious purple sweater. 

You wonder what nine-year-old you would think if she saw where you are now, with Jeongin’s hand wrapped tightly around your own. You wonder what she’d have to say about the way your cheeks tickled pink, not only from the cold, but also from the way Jeongin’s gaze lingered on you for a moment too long, and the way his lips tugged into a soft smile whenever you looked back at him.

Tugging lightly on Jeongin’s hand, you lead the both of you over towards the monkey bars, his whines falling on deaf ears as you drop his hand from your grasp to climb up the metal bars. Once you’re sat down in the most comfortable position you can, the cold metal sending shivers down your spine, you beckon Jeongin to join you. 

“Sit with me.” You smile down at him, one hand keeping you steady as the other makes grabby hands in Jeongin’s direction. 

Jeongin huffs. “But it’s so cold.” 

However, his words fall short when he still begrudgingly makes the small climb up. He lets his legs dangle through the holes, his knees knocking against your own lightly. 

A gust of cold air causes you to shiver and as a response, you pull your coat closer to you. This seems to make Jeongin chuckle fondly, and you feel his eyes linger on you for a second before he looks out at the horizon. The falling snowflakes glisten under the remnants of the sunlight, and the holiday lights emit a breathtaking glow. You’re both still not tall enough to see much above the houses in front of you, but that’s okay—you know what lies beyond it.

“You know, I never thought we’d be back here,” you mumble. A giggle escapes you as you watch the stars slowly make their appearance above you.

Jeongin has a giggle of his own as something on the monkey bars catches his eye. “I can’t believe it’s still here,” he continues to laugh, causing you to redirect your gaze. 

“What do you mean?” 

He runs his fingers lightly over the faded black ink scrawled across the top of the monkey bars. 

Y/N and Jeongin, 2010.

“No way,” you gasp, trying your best to lean over to see it better without falling. “I thought they replaced the park equipment years ago.” 

Looking up at you, Jeongin smiles. “Obviously not all of it.” 

He fishes around in his pocket for a second and before you can question anything, he pulls out a black marker pen and unclips the lid. 

“What are you–” 

Your sentence goes unfinished, however, when he leans over and adds a small section under his own nine-year-old handwriting. 

And forevermore.

Your heartstrings are played like a violin as you watch Jeongin cap the pen back up, a pleased smile etched on his lips. When he finally comes back to reality, noticing your gaze, he shrugs. 

“What?” he says. “Had to add it and make it official.” 

“We’ve been official for a year, I don’t think the monkey bars would mind.” 

Jeongin rolls his eyes, a chuckle escaping him. “What if some kids read it? Surely, they’ll love to know the story has a happy ending?” 

If you weren’t afraid of falling, you would have jumped on him, showering his face in the most kisses possible. However, for both his and your safety, you opt for words instead.

“I love you,” you breathe, beaming at him. You’ve never said anything more true in your life. 

His smile mirrors your own. “I love you too.” 

You look back at the sky as Jeongin shoves his pen and hands back in his pockets, the dopey grin on your face growing wider, if that was even possible. Another giggle escapes you when you feel a drop of snow hit your nose. This is everything to you—it’s ultimate happiness.

But there’s one thing missing.

“I can’t believe I forgot,” you say, your gaze falling back down. 

Raising an eyebrow, he looks at you in curiosity. “Yeah?” he responds, and you stare back with a cheeky smile.

“Stay for Christmas?”

Jeongin shakes his head, but his giggles still fill your ears, sending your heart into shockwaves of emotions, like the ripples after a stone hitting the water. The tips of his ears as well as his cheeks glow pink under the streetlight that has just flicked on. You can’t tell if it’s from the cold or from you, but you wish for it to be the latter. 

“You know you don’t have to say that anymore, right?” Jeongin asks, gazing at you with a look that makes it hard to catch a breath. 

“I know,” you exhale, “but it’s basically tradition now, it’s a must.”

“Well, tradition or not…” Jeongin begins. He slips his hand from out of his pocket to grab and entwine your fingers with his own. His heat seeps into you as he runs his thumb over the back of your hand. “…I’m here to stay.” 

He uses his other hand to tap lightly on the recently-added handwriting, his words echoing around in your ears. “Forevermore.” 

Your eyes are all soft and sparkly as you smile at him, giving his hand a squeeze before letting the air around you fall silent. A contented sigh escapes your parted lips, forming a faint puff in the cold air as you watch the fluffy, white crystals above you flutter down.

Jeongin started off as a mere stranger, nothing but the awkward boy in an ugly sweater. Sixteen years later, he’s sitting with you atop the same monkey bars upon which you two met as so much more. He’s your best friend, your childhood playmate, your built-in Mario Kart partner. He’s your teenage crush, your love at first snow, your stay for Christmas—and all that only you two know it entails.

Perhaps, most important of all, Jeongin is home. And as long as you have Jeongin, you’ll always know your way back.

[unmotivated-student]

Hey, take what I say with a grain of salt

It's not an analysis, it's more like my point of view, you may not agree with everything and that's perfectly fine :D ♡ [feel free to give your opinion in this post].

qRoier has been through so much [pain, loss, betrayal] and the emotional scars continue to accumulate.

He lost his son [Bobby died in his care], he lost Tilin and Juanaflipa too, also during purgatory he had to do horrible things like kill and hurt people who were important to him, all this in the hope of being able to save the eggs or at least some of them.

But in the end, he lost everyone who had cared about him [qFoolish, qJaiden, qCellbit... to mention a few but qCellbit being one of the "losses" that have the most weight in the current state of qRoier] and they could only save a single egg, it couldn't even have been one chosen by the winning team, it was a random choice by a roulette wheel making the whole purgatory thing feel even more pointless.

He left purgatory feeling alone and also with the feeling of having been used just for entertainment by the eye guy.

qRoier lost everything without gaining anything and that's the worst...

No, scratch that, one of the worst things for him may be that with the return of the eggs he's not even sure if he really lost these people, he doesn't know if they are alive, he doesn't know if they are well or if they are dying in some hole and seeing eggs in a coma is [maybe] a reminder of that possibility.

So it's no surprise to me that he tries to convince himself that those in the hospital are fake eggs or something like that.

It is easier to try to accept that they are no longer with him and that there is nothing that can be done than to think day and night how much they are probably suffering and that HE cannot do anything for them, it is easier than hoping they'll return only to have that hope mercilessly taken away from him.

Now, why do I think the possible loss of qCellbit has relevance to the current state of qRoier?

When they got married it was like making a pact to be there for each other through thick and thin [which Roier was willing to do] and they always trusted each other. Just before purgatory qCellbit confessed to qRoier that he had been killing the federation workers and asked him if he was willing to help him and accompany him down that dark path [obviously qRoier accepted], they went through a lot together during the purgatory [they even they decided to blow up together when the meteor didn't crush them] so I think qRoier was confident that if they didn't leave purgatory together, they would both die in it TOGETHER.

But that didn't happen, instead qRoier managed to get on the boat in the hope of finding qCellbit there and a few seconds before the whole egg island went to hell he only received one last goodbye and one last "i love you".

qCellbit decided to stay on Egg Island with Richarlyson but wanted his husband to be well.

He wanted him to be well and to live, to be safe back on Quesadilla Island, it was probably fine for qCellbit to leave like that, after all he no longer had many things tying him to Quesadilla Island and surely qCellbit didn't want qRoier to get hurt because of his own selfish decision.

Buuut, for qRoier that was the most selfish decision qCellbit could have made, it was like he had left him out of his plans, it's no wonder he feels abandoned, qCellbit He broke that pact they had and broke qRoier's trust [in a certain way] by not telling him that he didn't really want to go back to Quesadilla knowing that qRoier was willing to follow him wherever he went, knowing that qRoier was willing to stay with him, together.

And then there's Pepito... Oh Pepito.

I think qRoier has mixed feelings about Pepito, on the one hand he doesn't trust the federation at all [or anyone in general, but mainly the federation after everything they've done and what they did to him and Jaiden when Bobby died, not to mention that Roier probably believes that the federation was also responsible for purgatory [I'm not sure either if the eye guy is from the federation or not xd]] reason why I think it is understandable that he does not accept Pepito in the first instance, another thing that is not in Pepito's favor are qRoier's emotional scars [We already know, Bobby died and he doesn't want to replace him, he just lost a lot in purgatory [a very recent scar], his possible fear of forming bonds with other people or eggs, the fact that Richarlyson and Leo are in a coma and there is nothing he can do..] Pepito's arrival simply couldn't have been at a worse time.

I also feel that a part of qRoier knows that Pepito is not to blame for anything [or at least that's what part of him wants to believe] and deep down he cares about Pepito. Maybe seeing Pepito so happy and innocent, makes him think it's best to treat Pepito so roughly, not only to avoid getting too attached to Pepito [due to trauma, because it would be painful if Pepito died and also because the federation gave Pepito to him out of nowhere without prior notice] but also because he knows how much that island [and the federation] can break you and how much it can take from you, it is better to take away that innocence little by little himself than for the island to do it all at once, right?. [All those times qRoier has said that Pepito reminds him of him, makes me believe that qRoier sees in Pepito reflected the same innocence that he had in his first days on the island, excited to make friends and meet new people but what did all of that lead him to? To loneliness and pain, a lot of pain in fact].

He could very well walk away from Pepito completely but instead he keeps him [kind of] close because he knows that HE is the only thing Pepito has and maybe the closest thing to a family Pepito can ever have on that island.

At this point I think qRoier is afraid of loneliness, but he is even more afraid of being abandoned. He is isolating himself from everyone on the island, limiting his relationships so he doesn't have to have to go through that feeling of abandonment again.

Or rather, Quesadilla Island has taught him how dangerous and painful trust and the bonds one form with others can be.

And he doesn't want to feel any more pain so he is being even more careful about those things.

And today's stream highlights qRoier's trust issues for me.

They are a lot of thoughts thrown together in one post. I hope it makes sense ಥ⁠‿⁠ಥ.

[ryttu3k]

Oh damn that episode is shooting right to the top of my favourites for the season! Thoughts on Doctor Who - 73 Yards!

That was creepy as shit and I loved it :D Folk horror and time shenanigans (which also ties in marvellously well with this post from last week about her being a paradox baby - the whole episode is one!) and genuinely chilling, especially at the start where Ruby is just becoming more and more isolated from everyone else, and it's outright heartbreaking when that includes from her Mum. Like, ow.

A question: Where exactly did the Doctor go? There's like, this second story going on behind the scenes that never actually gets acknowledged - a fairy ring that binds 'Mad Jack' that the Doctor breaks, causing him to vanish. Except 'Mad Jack' is just some Trumpian despot, nothing actually paranormal about him. We know why the Semperdistans (the old lady) appears - she's Ruby, stuck in an endless warning not to step in the fairy ring, trying to avert the offshoot timeline - but where did the Doctor disappear to in the first place? Into Faerie, maybe? There's a whole other narrative going on!

The Mad Jack bit is curious, because he ends up not being that relevant in the end. Ruby and her Semperdistans are weaponised to stop him, but that isn't what stops that branch of the timeline - that only happens when Ruby dies and takes her Semperdistans' place, closing the circle (back to fairy rings again!). Did he have some other relevance, maybe to do with the ring itself? He's some sort of Fae creature himself or… something. There's a great comment on Reddit here:

'I think Mad Jack was an omnipotent entity, possibly of the Pantheon, and the Doctor accidentally let him into our plane. And Mad Jack did the smartest thing possible and erased him.

But Ruby managed to clock him and scare him into retreat using whatever aspect of herself which terrified Maestro a few episodes back.'

Another fantastic analysis here - the Semperdistans being a physical representative of Ruby's fear of abandonment. Ruby as being kind of… eldritch seems to be a running theme, too - she has that fear of abandonment because there is something Peculiar about her. Maybe that's just how the Semperdistans worked, because the story requires Ruby be abandoned and left on her own in order to place her at the right time to act, so that's the ability she has? Same with how she can only be perceived as someone with normal vision as seen from 73 yards away - that's what the story requires.

(Why the distance? She's running away from herself!)

This season so far has been an entirely new genre, we seem to genuinely be in the realm of fantasy and supernatural fiction now. I goddamn adore it. Definitely thinking something along the lines of Ruby's identity being something to do with the concept of paradox or even a part of the Pantheon herself. Being a foundling left on the steps of a church - the woman who left her there might not even be her mother, it could be Ruby herself in a closed time loop. Maybe she's a changeling?

Reminded sharply of Turn Left. Both RTD-penned Doctor-lite episodes that focus on the companion to brilliant effect, involve time shenanigans, dystopian British politics (thankfully averted, here!), and scary as hell in parts.

Where were the titles??

UNIT thought: focusing increasingly on paranormal stuff. Because of the Doctor invoking folklore? We're still tying back to stories being real. Also, Kate mentioned 'this timeline' specifically being structured around Ruby's event. Is she aware that she's in an offshoot?

Susan Twist spotting: the hiker who's the first to be driven mad by the Semperdistans. Interestingly, Ruby seemed to recognise her. Also interestingly, this happened in the erased timeline so she now no longer remembers that she recognised her… Also, Mrs Flood appearing, just to say, "Nothing to do with me!" - hmm, what does have to do with her?

Only major naff moment: showing that Ruby is now In Her Forties by having her wear huge glasses. Hilariously awkward. Oh Ruby that is not a flattering style.

Season ranking

As of s40e04:

73 Yards

The Devil's Chord

The Church on Ruby Road

Space Babies

Boom

[flower-sunflower-blog]

s!Ryan theory part 1/3 : Sun, keeper of the flame, breaker of the day

So, I’m finally getting on s!Ryan, what I’ve been figuring out so far, my theories and the different possibilities I could think of !

s!Ryan is a complex character that is giving me a hard time since a while, don’t get me wrong I really enjoy it - but still it’s hard xD Her story is conveyed through a multiformat storytelling and various hints spread around like pieces of puzzle. And everything is tying to a general story you need to figure out in order to connect everything.

That’s why it was so hard to share my thoughts about her, even small, compared to other characters. Because most of the time to understand my points you had to know about this one hint, connected to this other hint that made me think that, and could’ve explained this etc. My mind was a mess xD

BUT I tried to put everything into order, and through a 3 part theory, I'll try to go through everything as much as possible ! In order to give a better picture about her lore, the real mysteries about her, as well as a general context/timeline of event.

And yeah 3 parts, because s!Ryan is THAT much of a headache /lh

I hope we could be on a same page this way, so pay attention and follow me through this ! (if you're interested of course ;D)

This is the first part who will be discussing s!Ryan’s nature and powers, as well as her link with the sun.

The second part will be about her past, mostly based on her playlist "the origin story". And the last part will be about her connections with other people.

s!Ryan references and appearance

Let’s start with the “easiest” part. s!Ryan is looking like this : 

On her pinterest board, we can see references for her fairy-looking outfit. 

s!Ryan seems to like flowers/have a connection with it, she has a texture pack based on it. It looks like she’s a fairy, her connection with flowers and nature in general would make sense. 

Another interesting detail about her : she’s ginger. There are multiple references of ginger hair. 

I know this is shocking news for everyone xD BUT for realsies, keep in mind that s!Ryan has ginger hair on her pinterest board. More specifically, fully ginger-hair. It’s important for later.

Then something I noticed was various elements about fortune telling : crystal ball, tarot cards, palm reading. 

There is also this, that I found out to be "perfume". (Well at least that's what google told me)

It could be in line with fortune telling, it may even refer to something else unknown to us. But in general it just give up a certain vibe/aesthetic from her. 

s!Ryan and the sun

Omg guys, now we're getting onto the real deal, make sure to follow through everything xD

s!Ryan is heavily, heavily tied to the “sun”. There are so many hints about the sun, the light, the sunrays in general.

First when you look at her pinterest board you can notice them easily :

I also tend to think the sun has a divine essence in this world, i'll go more on that in a bit.

s!Ryan has a deep connection with the sun within herself. On twitter, she dropped 2 hints that highlighted it.

First there is this one :

Then there's this one : 

The description is a line coming from the song "The Moon will sing", and the next line is “I loved you like the sun”.

(note : it’s not the only time I’ll talk about these 2 hints, it will come up on later posts)

Finally, half of her hair became blonde at some point. Ryan said it was related to her lore, she didn't described it as something new, but as a part of her already existing but that she started to “show” little by little. And recently, her second eye started to glow.

Looking at it for a bit, I definitely think about the sun. We had hints and references, but it's almost like this eye and her blonde hair color is sort of physical mark of her connection with the sun.

The divine sun

So now it’s clear that s!Ryan is connected to the sun. But what kind of connection ? That’s where things get complicated for real. 

First of all, in order to have the slightest idea, we need to understand the nature of the sun to begin with. I said earlier that I think the sun has a divine essence, however I purposefully didn’t say that the sun was a god. Because nothing can be certain yet and that's even the whole question.

On a general note, I think the Shelter has a specific “theology” let's say, which was agreed upon everyone. Thus meaning that even if there is individual lore about member’s involvement with some gods, I think it’s still tied to this theology common to everyone, related to the specifics about the gods’ nature and everything, that is still unknown to us. 

Going back to the sun, what makes the question complicated and why.

We had confirmation that there are “gods” in plural. At one point s!Artea and s!Forest were discussing gods while the sun was up, and when they criticized them a lightning stroke on them. 

That means there were gods above them when the sun was up, and after all since we had the confirmation that there was a “moon entity”, why not a “sun entity” ?

However though, we have no certainty that was coming from the sun itself, it could always have been another god while the sun was up.

Then at another point, s!Cherry said that the sun was too bright and hurted her eyes, which s!Ryan found suspicious.

It really looked similar to when s!Artea was saying that the “moon” is “watching them”, not to mention that s!Cherry is particularly hostile to the gods. 

But the sun could also be a concept more abstract, holding a great power over everything and be an incarnation of a divine essence, while not being a “sentient” being. 

And even if the sun is a god, or at least related to a specific god, we know there is multiple gods.

Some of them are qualified as “dramatic” and “petty” by s!Cherry. However, there is no confirmation that all the gods and deities of this place are acting the same, and that the sun god is “among” the gods s!Cherry called petty.

On a general note, that's the main challenge about having multiple gods : we have no certainty all deities works the same, share a common nature, are on a similar scale etc

Not to mention that if you listen to s!Ryan playlist, there is a recurring theme about monotheistic religion : “hell”, “heaven”, “god", “devil” etc. Another reason to think the sun could possibly work on different rules. The sun may refer mainly to the "holiness" (you'll see I'll have the occasion to get on that later ^^).

But it’s also possible that the “sun entity” is indeed a sentient being with not-so-great morals too. That's also an interesting point to explore, but not on this post yet !

In conclusion, there is a whole lot of possibilities, and while we have some hints, there isn't much yet to tend to one more than another.

That's what you have to understand, and the reason why it makes it so challenging to theorise on.

But

I think there is definitely a form of cult around the sun, whether the sun is indeed a deity or an abstract/symbolic divine concept.

There is this picture that comes from s!Void’s board 

It makes me think that the cult with the sun tie to the general theology of Shelter.

 

s!Ryan’s powers and divinity

So you know now why the sun's nature is a complicated question. But so is s!Ryan’s, oh so is s!Ryan's.

For starters, Ryan confirmed her character isn't human neither an elf. I tend to think s!Ryan is a fairy, however it doesn’t end here.

Beyond the "specie's name", there is a question of "technicality". If s!Ryan is indeed a fairy, what does being a “fairy” in this world means exactly? After all, s!Cherry was also hinted to be a fairy, would it make them related in one way or another ? 

And since s!Cherry was hinted to be directly from the Shelter, would it also be the case for s!Ryan ? Are all the fairies related to the Shelter and magic tree in general ? That's also something that needs to be uncovered.

Going back to s!Ryan, her being a “fairy like” creature would be in line with the magic elements. She said her magic powers were lightning, light and fire-like elements.

But there's likely even more to it. At one point s!Ryan said “did they forget who I am, do they know the power that I have ?” hinting that her “true nature” is really powerful and that she didn't reach her full capacity yet :

Not to mention she said she “knows people with great power” while looking at the tree.

The tree, magic gods, you know xD

At one point, when s!Artea was shocked s!Ryan could fly, and asked how it was possible, she just answered she was “god’s favorite”. What could it mean ?

And now tying everything with s!Ryan's connection with the sun : s!Ryan is often directly compared to the sun. When we look at it, her powers (light, fire, lightning) seems related to the sun.

She's hinting having a great power, that she's starting to show her "true nature" through her current appearance. That when she started having half blonde hair, and recently had a glowing eye, who made me think of a physical mark of her connection with the sun.

Finally we have this coming from her board :

"Sun, keeper of flame, Breaker of day, I gave you my sword, my heart and my faith"

I think s!Ryan is holding her current powers from the sun, a kind of power that probably reaches a divine level.

But how comes ? What kind of link does s!Ryan have with divinity ?

That’s where there are multiple options possible, and we’ll go from the highest degree to lower degree : 

She could be the sun entity herself, thus a goddess. Maybe her having her “powers” coming from the sun means that she draws power from this divine essence, she “incarnate” its power. 

She could be related to the gods, either fully or partially. Maybe directly related to the sun deity, or to another deity while she would still worship the sun, no matter its nature. 

She could have made a “contact” with the deities which allowed her to “reach” this state and power, thus meaning her divine side recent. It could be either the sun deity, who would be an entity of its own in this case, either another kind of deity able to grant her powers from the sun.

She could not be divine, and her power would only come from what “gods” granted her. The subtle difference the previous case is that, while having divine powers, its not fully "hers" and the gods could take it back from her any time.

And among all those options, there may be even more I didn't think of yet. Again, there is so much possibilities.

There is various possibilities about the sun's real nature, as well as various possibilities about s!Ryan's. So figuring out s!Ryan's nature in parallel with her connection with the sun leaves us with soooo many option.

(When it comes to theorising, I think something important is avoiding to jump on the "obvious" conclusions, and instead try to think of all the possible interpretations possible :D)

There is one last thing I need to cover up :

The Ryans

It all started in the beginning of the Shelter. Ryan was turning people into clones on herself, chasing people around to submit them and "convert" them to the "Ryans cult"

And IF you don't believe me yet when I say that in this story, genuinely EVERYTHING can be lore, that should definitely proves you otherwise xD

Because at first, I didn't think it could be lore either, I thought it was just silly goofy fun. But then I discovered this :

Not only that, during one of s!Ryan lore stream, she referred to the Ryans again.

"The Ryans will attack, the Ryans will get them".

There is clearly something to uncover about the "Ryans" and what they truly are, and how it could possibly connects to s!Ryan's nature.

Changing who I was...

So ! We kinda covered everything about s!Ryan's powers, the hints and specifics, the mysteries and all the possible theories about her true nature. Well, "all the possible theories" not exactly yet :D

I talked about how s!Ryan could be a non divine fairy, or be divine through various degrees. But between a mere non divine and a divine being, there is one last option I didn't cover yet, an option in between. An option that I purposefully left at the end because it has interesting implications.

But before everything, there is some context to place. From now one, we'll try slowly but surely to introduce a timeline of event. The chronology from past s!Ryan, to s!Ryan coming from the tree until current s!Ryan.

There is something I wanted to bring your attention on. We know that s!Ryan has this sort of connection with the sun and hold her power from it. But since when ?

The first hint was posted before the stream where s!Ryan revealed her power, that she could fly. And if she had her half-blonde her since the trial, it's also where she revealed it was part of her lore.

And again, she did not described it as something "new" that appeared, but something already existing in her that she was "showing".

There is something to know about the description of her tweets : these are lyrics from the song "If I killed someone for you". Moreover, it's a song she has in her playlist ! And here, let me put you the full verse of the song :

You have to understand that The one I killed is me Changing what I was For what you wanted me to be I followed your direction Did everything you asked I hope that makes you happy 'Cause there's just no turning back

My interpretation is that, the power she has now, she didn't have it before, it's "recent". She had to do something in order to, there is something she had to "change".

But what was it ? And who is this "you" she may be referring to ? Again, there is a lot of possibilities. My main goal is to showcase everything and let you guys have your own prefered interpretation afterward :D

I said earlier that I think that her blonde hair, as well as her eye since recently, is a physical mark of her connection with the sun/power she holds from the "sun".

About her hair ! Do you remember how I said at the beginning that s!Ryan has ginger hair on her pinterest board ? And that it was something important ?

Here we are now : there is only ginger hair on her board, there isn’t ginger-blonde hair.

And just in case, I looked it up, and there are reference pictures for ginger-blonde hair on pinterest. Ryan could have put a reference for this, but she didn't. Why ?

Maybe she didn't think about it, or just didn't want to for no particular reason. But I have a possible interpretation that it was a purpose, and that there is actually a reason why.

I think the board focuses either on non temporal/general elements (reference outfits, fortune telling elements, powers etc), either element specifically from the past.

My theory :

Past s!Ryan= ginger --> Current s!Ryan= ginger-blonde

And having that in mind, it may show us that in the past, s!Ryan didn't have these hair, thus possibly meaning she didn't have powers from the sun at that time as she does right now.

But since when she had these power from the sun ? Again, s!Ryan said she was showing something "existing" in her through her hair, not something new.

But "existing" since when ?

Nothing is sure. Because right now, I'm only talking about the powers she has "now", that she hinted to go through a "change" to reach.

Maybe she didn't have powers at all before this "change" ? Maybe she had powers before but became more powerful ? Maybe she always had access to these power but decide now to use it ? (After all, at one point s!Ryan mention "my potential, what I possibly could be")

But that's not all I have to say. Because there is actually something I ended up being certain of.

There is at least one key event when we can be sure she "at the very least" hold these powers since then.

It's the "change" she's talking about.

And what is it ?

Her death

This hint mention a "slumber" that she woke up from. I saw it as a glince of the moment when she was brought in the Shelter by the tree. But the important part is that she "woke up" in general and what it actually mean :

s!Ryan died and was ressurected.

Let me put you again the lyrics from the song "If I killed someone for you"

You have to understand that The one I killed is me Changing what I was For what you wanted me to be

So, there is 2 thing to add to this :

I was certain that s!Ryan "death" was in the metaphorical sense"of "killing her old self", "changing" who she was before. And then I evoked the possibility that it was also in the litteral sense. But now I'm *convinced* it is ALSO in the litteral sense. And I'll have the occasion to tell you more about it later.

Past s!Ryan (ginger hair)

⬇️

s!Ryan's death ("change")

⬇️

Current s!Ryan (ginger-blonde hair)

Even tho I think s!Ryan's "death" is litteral, I think that the most impactful aspect is still the fact that her death was "metaphorical". In fact, this is for me the all core of s!Ryan's character, and something that allow us to understand more her current personnality.

The Saint

So ! I think s!Ryan holding the current power she has is something recent that we can date at least since her death. But what about her connection with the sun in general ?

I think s!Ryan always had this connection with the sun. And if it's not in a magical way, it is at a very least in the metaphorical way.

And I finally get into the possibility I was talking earlier, the possibility about s!Ryan being something "in between" a divine and a non divine being :

This are hints about the sun, again. But these one are really particular in the "aesthetic", it’s giving up a symbolic about “saint” and “holiness”.

You know how I said that there is a cult around the sun’s deity ? Maybe s!Ryan would have been part of it, and even more ?

This is the last option, something that I think is similar to s!Ana : the fact that s!Ryan would be a priestess of the sun, a “saint” in it's cult, even an angel ?

She wouldn’t be a god, but would be above the mere “non divine” beings.

-> That’s where getting it to tie to a “general theology” would make a change, because it would allow us to figure out the different role anybody could occupy in this.

The gold element is something common to s!Ana's board. And it would explain this quote !

Her being a “saint” would have allowed her to reach a deeper connection with the sun, and would explain why her nature is so tied to it.

One last minute element I could think of : You know how s!Ryan call s!Pomme "sister Pomme" ? Well, it also happen that s!Pomme is hinting to be an angel/saint, and related to "monotheistic" element like "heaven" just like s!Ryan. It may be something relevent ?

It wouldn't mean there are sisters in the "litteral" since, but it would be a hint to the fact that they share a similar nature ?

And on a /meta note, I know there is a context to the "sister Pomme" nickname. But Lumi and Ryan could've talk about it behind the scenes and be like "oh yeah let's make it fit with the lore". It would fit both of their way of storytelling xD

But if she was indeed a prietress/saint/angel/you get me, was it from her own will ? Of from birth ? Does she still consider herself this way ?

I also said earlier that s!Ryan has a connection with the sun within herself. But maybe this connection is to take metaphorically, as an allegory ?

There could be a symbolic about her being similar to the sun, "like the sun". This idea of being "holy", being a sunshine angel.

And we're finally getting to it. The reason why I wanted to develop this point at the end of the post, the one implication I ended up being certain about past s!Ryan :

s!Ryan was a saint before.

And whether or not she was a saint in the literal sense, I mean that I'm pretty certain she was metaphorically a saint, an incarnation of a perfect girl who was acting like a beacon of light for people around her.

But then she died, she "killed" her old self and she changed, going from a saint to a devil.

And this will be for part 2 !

Thanks for your attention :D

[hot-take-tournament]

HOT TAKE TOURNAMENT

VOCALOID RECOMMENDATIONS MASTER POST

I've been collecting all your vocaloid recommendations in one place, so everyone can take a listen!

And if like me you knew nothing about vocaloid before that nuclear discourse, maybe you'll find a hidden gem you wouldn't have found otherwise! <3

Submitted anonymously

Thought I'd add to the Vocaloid discourse by pointing out that several "irl" bands actually started out by using vocaloids. You can find a few who talk about it in the Hatsune Miku live concerts (super cool use of holo developed for those too!). That's really the crux of what sets vocaloid apart from much of the machine discourse; it's CREATED oppourtunities for small musicians instead of taking it away. Specifically by not just supplying a synthetic voice program to work with, but by tying a star identity to each voicebank that makes people more willing to explore obscure artist music. It also distincts the works made by the vb's from the artists who were paid to voice them, so you can't make them say things that sounds like you're putting bad takes in the original artist's mouth. Everyone knows and understands it's a fake version for the purpose of artistic creativity, not an attempt to steal the voice of the original singer.

Anyway since we're doing Vocaloid recommends now:

Giga - BRING IT ON (Inferiority superiority) ft. Kagamine Rin & Len

"Hop! Step! Instant Death! A Happiness Dance Death-Trap" and "The Path to Eternal Happiness...I Found It" both by Utata-P

Entomologists, Appetite of a people pleaser and Rotary Dial by GHOST

VIRAL ft. Meika Hime and Melancolia ft. GUMI by QueenPb

(note - Melancolia contains flashing images right from the start)

And last but not least, my personal Vocaloid feels song, TELL YOUR WORLD by kz, who sums up some of the beauty of the Vocaloid fandom pretty well

Submitted anonymously

Ok, I know the blog was kinda overflown of vocaloid discurse asks. So instead of discussing I brought RECOMMENDATIONS❗

Because, like, Defoko is pretty known in the Utau world, but she may be one of the worst examples of "human-like voice".

So to bring some counter examples of voicebanks that do not have much of a robotic vibe, I have here:

Some utuaus

【Namine Ritsu】-ERROR 2018ver.【UTAU Cover】

【Sukone Tei】Love Me, Love Me, Love Me (Music box ver.) 【UTAUカバー】

Some not so known vocaloids

[Aoki Lapis] Circus Monster [VOCALOID]

[Mayu] VOCALOID 3 ~Kodoku no Bannin~ Guard of Loneliness

【Galaco】 The Beast. 【Vocaloid3 Cover】

【MEIKA Mikoto】 Cantarella 【カバー】

And some slow songs, that require whisper-like tuning <3

【24 VOCALOIDS CHORUS】 Hirari, Hirari ひらり、ひらり 【HD】

Kamui Gakupo A Doll's Voice

Submitted by @indigo-flightly-falls

Oh!!!

If we're doing vocaloid recs, I'm here to suggest A Crow's Trial!

Vane - A Crow's Trial (ft. Dex & Gumi Eng.)【Vocaloid Original】

it's one of my favorites and has some Vibes. It's a bit hard to understand the story but the last verse lives in my head rent free :D

Submitted anonymously

speaking about the vocaloid debate- they haven't submitted the playlist yet, but if they listened to English songs using Japanese/Chinese/other voicebanks then it'll inherently sound a little off. different languages and different voicebanks have different pronunciations needed for speech, and are thus recorded for the voicebank. use a Japanese voicebank for an English song and you won't get the right words pronounced right, or you'll get an accent, etc etc.

also some vocaloids only have one or two voicebanks and that's it. Big Al only has one (i might be wrong on that, but i know his is for V2 software), whereas Hatsune Miku has every single voicebank made over the years (V1-V5) and has versions made to sing in Japanese, Chinese, and English. she has so, so much more variety than other vocaloids and can be more fluent and clear compared to lesser known vocaloids.

and since we're sharing favorite vocaloid songs to convert the submitter, here's two of mine because i have too many favorites to share:

Carnivore - OrgansDotOrg

this one has Big Al as supporting vocals and it absolutely slaps, also OrgansDotOrg is my-all time favorite artist pleaseee go support them!!!

Seraphim on the Ring - Mitchie M

seriously, if you're looking for realistic vocaloid vocals then go listen to Mitchie-M!! Katio and Len just speaking in this one sound just like real people

Fools are attracted to anomaly - Utsu-P

vocaloid is not all pop and 'kawaii', vocaloid metal is some of my favorite to listen to

some other producers i also like:

tart

Ferry

Riproducer

PinocchioP

Kikuo

SweetSoSweet

KakyuuKei

KaitsukoP

Submitted by @ssilly--ssadass

utau is underrated. not a hot take just my segway into giving you utau covers [also covers cuz nobody gives anybody but teto good originals. pick up the slack people. also sidenote no teto. cuz i was priortizing other utaus only to realize i added too many songs and couldnt fit a teto one in. sorryn't]

Aishite (covered by Defoko)

GHOST RULE (covered by Defoko)

Bug (covered by Chanchopin V1 and Giga Lacan)

Darling (covered by I think Darling- I dont know this utau and am going off the description being like "lmao Darling utau covers Darling maretu heehoo")

Corpse Dance (covered by Defoko)

ECHO (covered by Defoko)

(note - ECHO contains flashing images)

Submitted anonymously

really funny hearing the take about how vocaloids/voice synths can't have singing styles when there's multiple voice synths explicitly modelled after particular styles. prima (opera), sachiko (enka), and maiko hakaine (screamo metal) are just the ones i can list off the top of my head. and even if a voice synth isn't modelled after a singing style, they can still be tuned that way!

anyway, for song recommendations! gothic and loneliness is breathtaking (it's also a nightmare in project diva lol)

Gothic and Loneliness [Kagamine Rin] - Narushima Takashi

Submitted anonymously

oh wait can we still send in vocaloid recommendations? if so…

• koisuru beam by kyaami/cillia : this song is so cute and rin’s tuning here is some of the best i’ve heard

•jitterbug by hachiya nanashi - goes hard as hell and i adore the mv the song has

•lost and found by sasakure.uk - i only recently heard of it (idk how i only just found it) and it’s mesmerising i love it

uhh i can’t think of anymore right now but uhh i hope that if u hear these u will like them

<3 <3 <3

[vivakitkt]

Delusional Love

Summary: A love to last eternity. Well maybe if both of you tried.

Warnings: angst/ no comfort, implied toxic relationship, implied cheating, ‼️not proofread‼️

Notes: TY FOR ALL THE LIKES ON MY LAST POST<333 honestly ty so much everyone. Im glad you all enjoyed it! Well heres another! :D

Enjoy reading everyone! <3

--------------------------‐-------

Betrayal was the only thing you could feel

How could he?

After all you had done to fix this relationship

You rushed immediately to his building rushing pass the security, ignoring everyone shouting at you and the strangers staring at you. Going pass the elevator and onto the stairs. Blinking back your tears, you thought about what next. You just acted on impulse. Would you divorce him? Would you give him the biggest slap of your life? Or would you just stand there and cry? Reaching the end on the stairs, you stomped over to his office, but stopping right before entering.

/What do I say to him?/

You asked yourself

Deciding to rely on your future self, you stepped into his office. Stomping over, you looked at him. He looked completely normal. You scoff in your mind. You, who had been so delusional. So blind. Had actually believed this person. You had so much hatred in you but as soon as you looked at him, you shattered. Breaking down but holding in your sobs, you stared at him, right in his eyes and shoved the phone to his face.

/Dont even try to explain your self/

You said furious

/do you know.../

You stopped to breathe

/do you know how much of my trust you had?/

As you looked at his with tears filling the bottom of your eyes.

/i guess not then huh/

/wait name please just let me...explain/

The lies. All the love yous, and butterflys you felt around him. Gone. You turned around to get away from his presence, wipping your tears as you walked out and left your ring with his assistant.

And as soon as you did step out, it rained. The rain hitting the rock hard pavement made you cry even harder. Maybe the rain knew you needed help. Help you never got.

All the lies he told. Would he ever regret his actions? Maybe, but only time would tell and now it was time to grief. Greif your lost feelings for him. Were you the only one trying to actually fix this relationship? Maybe it really was only you. Only you and just you.

[elderwisp]

i spent the last hours reading tessellate from the start so i just wanted to drop a little love because eeeeeee i like it so much!!! first off all ur characters are a hit!! dynamic personalities, and they all mesh with one another really well in interesting ways. it all feels like a little peek into the lives of random people and sometimes that all you really need babey! i'm excited to see where you go with things especially with atlas, dan (my beloved), also the way that there are multiple storylines/ a large cast of characters yet i never feel overwhelmed <3333 and ofc visually, the post are lovely. the one juxtaposing frances and atlas coping...u know you ate with that. that last closeup with ares and dan with the lighter and frances's recital?? so pretty!! stapled in the brain.

on a less serious note, frances and icarus SAVE ME i like their dynamic so much their interactions seem very organic and fun. a friends to lovers (would they fall under that category..ik he's her boss but they're friendssss) for the ages. i feel like with a name like icarus things are destined to get messy between them and im afraid of it but also im not....but also i need only good things to happen to frances always, tu sabes. and its so funny that i finally read this after you mapped out their first kiss scene, bc i would not have survived the irl four years of building their relationship up godbless <3 also BEEE!!! sorry i just remembered i love bee and i hope she stands up to her boss at work one of these days (and gets whatever she wants for the rest of her life despite how inadvisable it may be at the moment :) )

hope this all isn't too weird, but i had thoughts to share and who better than with the author. tldr: your story brought me joy at 1:15 am and i appreciate it!! also everyone has such cool names??? what a slay. ty and take care <3

live footage of me reading this:

this seriously made my evening i think i reread this about ten times!! i honestly had to retype this message several times because just being able to receive commentary like this is everything. a lot of these characters have been with me for such a long time so to be able to share the little dudes livin their lives AND have people enjoy it??? AWESOME! a lot of the scenes you mentioned are also seared in my mind forever LMAO especially the scene between frances and atlas. i think the week i was gathering everything to shoot it, i completely scrapped the original and the parallels post was a complete spur of the moment thing but i'm glad it happened GAH i'm so excited to share more in the future <3 also with icarus and frances, they're actually my most difficult pair to write for simply because initially (in my ts3 days) icarus was supposed to be such a small part but they had such a good dynamic i had to expand that! so he's a fairly new character for me!

anyways thank you so much! i hope you have a great day! :D flowers is for u <3

[everyhorroronthehorror]

hiii!! sending in some things of the misceverse ask game if u still accept them!! ^o^

☀️, 🍄, 👥, 👾, 🎆, & ☁️

u seem rlly cool btw!!

- @r4inbowv0lt

yesyes I accept the misceverse ask game stuff :3 AND TY you seem awesome too!!! :D

☀️ . What are your dynamics? How do you define them?

I'm an alpha aligned omega :3 I define it as an omega who had alpha experiences / grew up having to act like an alpha (stronger and braver then they are/were) / feel like they're more alpha aligned than omega aligned if that makes sense

🍄 . What do you enjoy most about your dynamic?

oof, hard to say. I would say that my dynamic makes me feel safe and comfortable in my identity but idk if that's what this means 😭 sorry

👥️️ . Are you in a pack / flock / colony? If yes, describe the way your pack works and who is in it! If not, do you want to be in a pack? What's you dream pack?

I am not :P I do want to be in one tho!! maybe with other angelic/hare misces like me

👾 . Do you have friends who are also misces?

I have a few, yes :)

🎆 . What would you like to see more of in the misces community?

just people accepting everyone - basically less stereotyping. not all omegas are soft and cutesy, not all alphas are strong and mean, and not all betas are pushovers (I've met like two ppl max that believed that last one but it still counts), and thats okay! everyone is different and if we all conformed to the stereotypes it'd get boring REALLYYY quickly

☁️ . How did you come to find out about misceverse?

I don't EXACTLY remember but I believe I found it through tumblr while searching for otherkin posts!

fun fact; before this I had used omegaverse stuff for comfort in my identity, and didn't even know misceverse was a thing

[zuuriell]

Introduction ˚⋆｡˚ ❀

hi everyone! my name is zuri and welcome to my blog!! here i’m going to share pretty random things to be honest, i’ll list a few below:

About my blog:

Random thoughts - it’ll probably end up being mostly these if i’m honest, i can’t stop talking sometimes no matter what the subject is about 😭

Shifting/Spiritual Stuff - i’d like to think i’m a pretty spiritual person; i’m into witchcraft (specifically crystals), runes + tarot, and i’m also a shifter! (i’ll write more later about my personal stuff with that, and be aware i’ll likely talk about it on multiple occasions)

Spreading Awareness! - i’m hoping for this to be one of the things i talk frequently about. i’ll likely speak a lot on disabilities, mental health, lgbtqia+ & women’s rights as those are what i have personal experience with, but it’s not a limited list! i will try my best to use this platform to advocate for people in any ways i can, so know i’ve got your back, friend <3

Also: just wanna note that my blog is here for everyone! other than the icky ppl listed in the DNI criteria below, you are welcome to be yourselves here, no judgement 🫶

DNI List:

1) NSFW/Kink Accounts:

-> I’m a minor & I want my blog to be an SFW safe space for everyone, so please do not interact or bring your content anywhere near mine

2) Antis (e.g. agere antis, shifting antis, etc.)

-> You don’t have to partake in it to approve of it, and again this is supposed to be a safe space for everyone, so haters should stay away pls and ty <3

3) Anti-LGBTQ+, Racists, Ableists, etc:

-> Pretty self-explanatory to be honest. I do not want these types of people interacting with me or my blog, respectfully please go away 🤗

About me:

i’m a 16 year old kid from england, also a november sagittarius

currently i am studying for my GCSEs! i am taking biology, english lang+lit, psychology and sociology! i am homeschooled too <3

i’m genderfluid + bisexual! my pronouns do change from day to day and i appreciate people who ask for my pronouns at the time, but if you don’t feel like doing that then they/them is fine :)

i have the best boyfriend ever! he’s so cool and he also has his own blog - @agere-tomndavid-imagines everyone should totally go check it out!! :D

i’m a shifter - i haven’t shifted yet but i’ve been attempting on and off for the last couple of years. my main dr is in the marvel cinematic universe!

i’m also an age regressor - this isn’t going to be an agere-specific blog, but i may talk about it here n there so just be aware of that (also if you are a regressor, pls be aware that i may swear in my posts! other than that though, this blog is SFW ^^)

i’m autistic and my special interests are: marvel (specifically loki ), sharks, fnaf and psychology

music is my life - my fav artists are: harry styles, taylor swift, james marriott & good kid

Additional note: i am disabled so please be aware and be patient with me! i’ve got POTS, PCOS & suspected hEDS - i know it looks like i just splurted out half the alphabet so if anyone wants me to explain these i am happy to do so LOL - and my healthcare isn’t the greatest either so i’m often having flareups, therefore if this blog isn’t the most consistent i apologise but i will still try my best :) ❤️

if anyone wants to message me, feel free- im always happy to meet new people!

have an awesome day/night, take care of yourself, and i hope to see you around! <33

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[sharkpupsblog]

😈 Brand New Person ‼️ PART (6/6) How could you let us down?

A Dark Riders and Dark Rider! Aideen! GN! Reader fanfic!

Woooo!!!! Last part omg!!!! This part is LONG . Took me so long to write it bcs I kept changing it and restarting it and then i got sick 😭 and while I was editing to finally post my eyes started acting up and it just took . A really long time 😭💔💔💔 so happy I’m finally able to post!!! 😭❤️ ty everyone for ur patience u guys r so sweet I appreciate it sm! This fic has some medical stuff mentioned in it and i am . Not a doctor . So i apologize if any stuff is wrong 😭😭😭 Can’t believe I’m finally done with this fic 😭💔 I loved writing for it sm! The fight scene and run away scene were def my faves to write! Anyways enjoy!!! :D

Summary: You wake up in a hospital room and Anne comes to see you.

Warnings: mentions of medical equipment like n33dles and bl00d bag, mentions of bl00d and talks of bl00d loss, mentions of d34th, thoughts of being m4uled by a shark, and mentions of a hospital and talks of being in one and foul language.

“Got any fish yet?” Mayor Klaus smiled at a fisherman who sat at the edge of the bridge leading to Goldenleaf stables. The mayor was walking around the village enjoying the nice day and while he walked he checked in on the villagers. The fisherman looked to Klaus giving the mayor a frown and a shake of his head “sadly nothing yet mayor.” The man looked back at where his lure bobbed in the water “hopefully the waves will guide them to me!” The mayor watched as the lure slowly drifted back to the fisherman due to the waves pushing it to him. The waves were calm near the village, but were strong at the Dark Core oil rig. The mayor hoped that the people on the rig were alright. It must be awful to be hit by such strong waves. While the mayor wondered how the people on the rig were doing, the fisherman watched a shadow slowly rise to the surface. “What is that?” The fisherman got up getting ready to reel in what he hoped was a big catch. Klaus looked to the shadow in the water watching it get bigger and bigger as it slowly rose to the surface. The mayor thought it was a shark. The shadow was definitely big enough to look like it belonged to a shark. Fort Pinta had a shark there, maybe it swam over to the fishing village? The man hummed “I think the shadow may belong to a shark.” The man told the other his guess on whom the shadow may belong to. “It explains why there are no fish today” he looked to the fisherman who was now reeling in his line not wanting it to be ruined by the shark. “I’ll go alert everyone of the shark in the water if anyone comes near the water warn them!” The mayor turned, and started jogging back to the heart of the town to make his announcement, but was stopped by the fisherman shouting for help. “Help!” The fisherman yelled “help me!” Klaus was terrified to look back. The mayor was thinking that the shark had grabbed the poor fisher. As horrible as the sight would be the mayor had to help, so he turned getting ready to see a gruesome sight as he did. The man wasn’t met with a shark mauling a fisherman. Instead he was met with lots of people gathered together trying to get something out of the water. The villagers all worked together to pull something out of the water, and the mayor’s jaw dropped as he saw a person be laid on the bridge. Then a horse was being guided onto land. Some poor rider must have fallen in the water. The man thought the person on the bridge was dead, but they started to cough and squirm around. Klaus quickly burst into action as he realized he needed to get the village doctor and vet. The man changed his jog to a full run, and he ran all the way to the doctor and the vet.

Bright lights stung your closed eyes as you started to wake up. It took your eyes a few seconds to decide when was a good time to open. When you opened your eyes you deeply regretted it. Bright white lights hit your eyes hard making you wince, and cover your face with your hands. You sat up slowly doing your best to sit without the help of your hands. Your body hurt and you felt dizzy. Something was pricking your right arm, you wanted to check what it was, but your eyes still needed a moment to recover. Once you felt ready you removed your hands from your eyes. You squinted as you looked around the floor of the room. The floor was completely white and clean. So clean it reflected the lights on the ceiling. Your bed, the floor, and the contents of said floor were a great help for you to figure out where you were. You were in a hospital room laying down on a hospital bed covered by blue blankets, hooked up to a monitor that was beeping loudly and enjoying eye torturing lights. You survived… What about your horse? Were they okay? You had to find them, you had to get out, and look for your most loyal friend. You were about to get up, but your curiosity stopped you. The pain in your arm made you look to it, and you saw what was hurting you. It was a needle hooked up to a blood bag that hung from a pole. You hummed wondering if it was safe to take the needle out of your skin. You knew you lost a lot of blood during your run from Katja. You definitely needed the blood in that bag to live. Was it safe to take the needle out? You probably already got a lot of blood in you right? You weren’t too sure taking the needle out was safe so you decided to take the pole with the blood bag with you. You removed the blankets on you which made your body shiver instantly. You were wearing a hospital gown you wondered where your clothes were, but that didn’t really matter right now. You sat on the edge of the hospital bed slowly moving as pain hit your body. Your body was begging for five more minutes in bed, but your brain and heart were saying ‘find your horse.’ You could always rest later, right now you needed to look for your horse. You put your feet down on the ground shivering again as the cold of the floor traveled from your legs to your whole body. The monitor in the room showed a flat line, and let out a loud sound as you unhooked all the stuff reading your vitals. You managed to stand up, taking a shaky step forward and away from the bed. You had to be quick, the monitor was definitely going to alert the doctors and nurses of the hospital, and you didn’t want them to put you back in bed. Your legs were shaky, you felt like a newborn foal just learning to walk. The pole the blood bag hung from became something to hold onto. It was very helpful and you were glad it was in the room with you.

With the help of the pole you took more shaky steps. You needed to get out of the room quickly. As you walked to the door you thought of places to look for your horse. Where were you anyways? You needed to find out where you were first, and find a change of clothes too. You grabbed onto the handle of the door slowly turning it so it wouldn’t make any noise. Once the door was open you very slowly moved it. You didn’t want the door to creak, but you realized it didn’t matter anyways. The monitor was already making noise. You huffed, and quickly opened the door getting scared as you saw someone standing on the other side. You were looking at their shoes. You covered your mouth trying to think of excuses to why you were out of bed. Once you came up with a good one you quickly looked up. Your hand fell from your mouth, and you frowned “Anne?” The woman looked shocked she thought the beeping came from you dying. To see you alive was a huge shock. She stammered as she tried to think of something to say to you. Her hand was held out, she was about to open the door, but you did it first. Without thinking you took her hand pulling her to you, and you hugged her. You didn’t know if she would react to the hug well. Would she hate you? You did scratch the fuck out of her face a day ago. Wait how long had it been? Hopefully a day? Your thoughts on how long you must have been out for were interrupted by Anne moving. The woman hugged you back bringing you as close as she could to her. You started sobbing unable to control your emotions after she returned the hug. “I’m so sorry” you sobbed shaking your head. You were apologizing to her for how you clawed her face, fought her, and betrayed her. Anne did not say anything, she just held you. The woman cared for you, but could she forgive you? Could she really say she forgave you, and move on from the shit you did? Anne was angry, she was really angry with you, but she was still here. Because she cared, and because she had something important to tell you. She couldn’t bring herself to lie and say she wasn’t angry and that she would forgive you. Instead she said nothing, she just stood at the door holding you close to her as you cried.

You were found by a fisherman in Goldenhills” Anne sat by your bedside holding your hand. “He saw a figure in the water him and the mayor thought it was a shark” she was telling the story as she saw it in the papers. She saw it two days ago you had been out for three. “As soon as he was about to leave, your horse came out of the water” your horse was fine thankfully, and waited for you in Goldenhills. You really owed them they saved your life. Your poor horse deserved the world and more for their insane loyalty. “Then the fisherman saw you on their back, and he gathered a group to pull you out” Anne frowned. “The doctor at the village stabilized you, and then you were transferred here” you were in a hospital in the city. You had been to the city plenty of times so you knew your way around it. Once you left the hospital you were going straight for Goldenhills. Now you were caught up on everything. Anne cleared her throat, and you looked at her seeing how glossy her eyes had gotten. “Anne?” You frowned squeezing her hand “what’s wrong?” You worried for her. The leader had to tell you why she was here. Why it was only her and no one else. She told you everything you needed to know, and now it was time to move on onto something else. She had been stalling for long enough, and now it was time to rip the band aid off. The woman decided there was no reason to take this slow. She needed to tell you what she had, and she needed to tell you now. “Fripp sent me” she said to you letting go of your hand. You looked at your now lonely hand wondering why she let you go. “I waited for you to wake up so I could tell you that-“ her words became a lump in her throat. “That-“ telling you what Fripp had sent her here for was easier said than done. She looked down at her lap, her head hanging low, and she gathered strength for what she had to tell you. “After all the things that happened and all the things you did” you watched as Anne messed with the fabric of her shirt. “Fripp and the druids decided that the best thing to do about you is-“ Anne looked up at you. She had to look at you while she broke the news to you. No more looking down, and messing with her shirt, she had to look right at you so you could understand that what she was about to say was serious. Her looking at you made you nervous really, really nervous… What was she going to say?

“They decided the best thing to do is exile you” Anne felt like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. For her the worst part was over but for you? It was just beginning. You shook your head not believing what Anne was saying. You laughed nervously “exile?” You really couldn’t believe it “Anne I-“ you laughed again “please let me talk to Fripp if I can explain that this is all just a big misunderst-.” Anne huffed “there is no talking to Fripp” she narrowed her eyes “what’s been decided has been decided.” She looked away from you “you betrayed us…” Anne was deeply hurt and she stood with Fripp in fact all of the Soul Riders stood with him on his decision. If you betrayed everyone over a lie so quickly what said you wouldn’t do it again? Anne and the others lost all trust for you.“He’s allowing me to stay with you until you leave the hospital” the air in the room became cold. You felt like crying, and you couldn’t hold back tears anymore as Anne said “I’m not here as a friend just as a Soul Rider making sure things are done.” She had to be cold to you now she needed you to know that there was no changing Fripp’s word. No matter how much you begged, or tried to prove you were still her friend Anne was not going to fight to change the verdict. She still cared for you not as much as she did before everything, but she still cared. At least enough to be at the hospital with you. Even though she still cared a bit she knew she needed to be cold to let you know shit was serious. She got her point across to you by saying she wasn’t your friend anymore, and by suddenly becoming cold towards you. You covered your mouth, you were horrified. Death was awful, but being alive and completely alone was worse. Fripp was smart, he knew this. He gave you the worst possible punishment. Death would have been so much better than being exiled. Everyone you knew was a druid, or worked with them in some way, and surely they would all know of your betrayal. Surely once you got out of the hospital everyone would turn you away. What were you going to do now? Where were you going to go? Exile was the worst punishment ever given by Fripp. The leader knew how horrible this punishment was. He saw it with Evergray he saw how well it worked. He wanted you to suffer for your betrayal… And suffer you would.

TYSM FOR READING!!!! :D also i realized a lot of my angst fics have good endings 😔 I am tired of being good 😈😈😈 So i make evil ending 😈😈😈 anyways ty for reading and to those who followed posting of the fic since the first chapter tysm for ur patience! ❤️❤️❤️