#tw) I'm really sad I don't want to do this last year literally just school made me attempt suicide :(

[astro-eats]

Why is clear liquid coming out of a wound on my leg

[dirtytransmasc]

I'm both a sentimental creature and a creature of habit, and if I like a piece of media, I will keep going back to it for literal years.

which leads me to my current breakdown; rereading a book I read in 6/7th grade, Orbiting Jupiter. (I reread it at least once a year, key word at least, cause I can't even tell you how many times I've read it, purely to torture myself)

if you haven't read the book, do it, even if it has a really basic reading level, it's such a good read, if not soul shattering (I've seen people say it's not sad, and um, if your one of those people, die or something, cause it's heartbreaking). I would look up a tw list online though, cause even if the topics at hand are told from the innocent prospective of a 11/12 year old most of the time, there's still a lot of shit going on from teen pregnancy, extreme abuse, implied SA (I'm my interpretation, and not related to the teen pregnancy), to major character death. sometimes I question why I was given this book so young (it was one of the mandated reading options)

so spoilers, cause I need to rant.

there's so many parts of this book I can't get over, like the whole thing destroyed me, but I just let the realization sink in, that Joseph never got to hold his daughter, never got to touch her, to even see her in person. the best he got were some photos and a few letters from her foster mother, but he never got to actually hold his baby.

he spent months trying to get to Maddie, months trying to get to Jupiter, all for him to never see either of them ever again. the actions he took to get to them only cause him pain and suffering; he got sent to group homes were he was abused/neglected, he got cut on the fence, he got sent to stone mountain (where he was practically tortured). he ran away during a blizzard, just to find his baby, and it was for nothing.

then once he accepted that, that he wouldn't meet his daughter, when he he decided the photos and the letters were enough, when he let himself be embraced by his new family, when he started to find his place in school, when he was starting to actually live again: his dad came back and killed him.

he traded his life for his brothers, got in that truck, most likely with the gut feeling he would never see jack again (worst part is, is that he thought his dad would shoot him and then himself if they got caught by police rather then go to jail/Joseph going back to the Hurds) only to have his dad drive them onto an out bridge. like I imagine him already terrified, having to watch as his dad drove into the bridge (after hitting another car off the road) knowing they would go through. he couldn't get out, he was stuck with the man who ruined his life in his last moments, as he drowned slowly in the ice cold water, knowing he would never see any of his family, his teachers, the cows, his daughter, ever again. he wouldn't be with Jackie anymore. his only respite would be that he would be with Maddie again. but even then, he was 14/15, he was jusb a baby, he had to be scared. Joseph might have had a lot go wrong in his life, but he didn't want to die, not anymore at least, and his life was taken from him by his scum father just when he got it back together.

the there's Mr. Hurd, I feel so bad for that man. he loved Joseph, even if they don't talk a lot about the parents, they talk about him enough for me to know Joseph was his son the second he saw him. even when Joseph tried to avoid his love, to distance himself from the family, to deny himself connection, Mr. Hurd still saw him as his son. he had to watch as his son was taken away from him, with the hope that he would get him back, that they would catch his father and all would be well again, and could finally have the peace of knowing that man was behind bars. instead he had to carry his son's dead, freezing cold, soaking wet body from the pickup truck his dad bought with the money he got from practically selling Jupiter (Joseph's daughter) to the adoption agency. he had to come to terms with the fact he failed to protect his son, that he let him be taken away in hopes it would protect both of his sons (he let Joseph lead his father away so he would leave jack, the younger son, behind) and it got one of them killed.

and don't even get me started on jack. this poor kid, he loved Joseph, like he said, they weren't just friends, they were brothers. despite being younger, he was protective of Joseph, getting into fights for him, going into frozen rivers for him, walking to school everyday instead of taking the bus so he didn't walk alone, damn near giving up his friends for Joseph, insisting that he was his brother and not a freak or a nut job or any other cruel name the world threw at him. he loved Joseph, in the pure, whole hearted, sincere way a little kid loves their big brother. he looked up to him, he had his back and knew Joseph had his, they were best friends all the while. and Jack now lives with the fact that Joseph died to save him, that he gets to watch Jupiter grow, to do all the things Joseph should have, to just see her, while he never will. he literally helped lower his brothers casket "into our family, by the high white pines", like please, have mercy on me.

this book breaks me every time, but I'm still it's bitch, crawling back against and again go go through that heart break.

[jacunture]

tw: suicide

nothing really matters at all i just found out i probably wont be graduating on time and it's over 3 elective credits that don't have anything to do with my degree and it's coinciding w a lot of other shit right now. like realizing i mightve just had ADHD and that's why i felt so different and weird all the time as a kid even when i tried really hard to control it and be likeable

and w this its just like. five fucking years of getting straight As, i could count the amount of Bs ive gotten on one hand but like literally none of that matters. every time i rushed to class, every late night trying my best to make sense of material, putting my heart into the work i was doing bc i really believed like it mattered and was powerful but the truth is that it doesn't matter

school is the only thing ive been able to understand and do well in. and it doesn't even matter if i move onto something else bc that next thing isnt steady either and it's like for what? five years of that, im broke, im lonely, im sad and i go through life so scared and stressed and for what?

my parents. my mom already said if i died she'd get over it and i think suicide would hurt my dad but i think he'd be okay too. i am really scared at what irl do to my little brother. we dont talk as much as id like, he's very quiet and a really great kid, but he's like 5 hrs away and doesnt see me often so im hoping that helps

im so selfish bc even the good friends i have as much as i love them, ik they'll be fine - things keep going, you meet new ppl, u find other reasons to smile. im just too tired to find it. and i don't think it'll make me happy. anther best friend won't suddenly make me happy, a partner that loves me won't make me happy, nothing will bc ive noticed all my life even when i was a kid, i always felt very sad. i think now it might've been that ADHD i just could never get what i was doing wrong and why ppl disliked it so much. and i think that left me w the fear i live w today that makes everything so hard.

it's not that i dont believe life comes in waves, that every new day is an another opportunity to be kind, to be happy, that mourning will only last for a night, it's just that i don't care anymore. even those good times, they're just a quick, minuscule moment where things are too busy for me to remember how heavy and jarring the sadness in me is.

i sometimes think that the adults who told me i was mature were just seeing that sadness.

To kill myself, I'm deciding between either taking Nyquil or renewing my prescription for my sleeping pills and swallowing it down w alcohol. I think I would want to clean my house down first. The real scandalous things i'd pack up in a bag at my doorway so a friend could take them before my parents come for my things (i leave everything to my family to sift through but Amari gets first pick at everything and dibs on what money i have left). then id pick a night, get high, watch something easy and funny, maybe spongebob or drag race, then id swallow everything while lying on my couch.

literally nothing in life matters. it doesn't matter how many times i recreate myself, it doesn't matter which god i do/dont pledge my allegiance to, it doesn't even matter how others feel about me. whatever they feel now will pass and even the parts of me that stay with them, they'll be able to live with despite everything.

nothing matters and im too tired to pretend it does so i can make it to another day.

[smeemp]

TW: Vent, Toxic Friends,

I know that no one cares at all but I just need to get this off my chest. It's hard having overprotective friends that don't have your best interest in mind and just want themselves to be a martyr. "Oh no, he just wants you to feel safe and loved-" NO HE DOESN'T. HOW DOES EXPLAINING MY STUTTER TO A RANDOM GUY THAT I BARELY EVEN KNOW HELP?? "Oh but he is really mentally I'll and-" It doesn't mean he gets to be a pick me and override my suffering. "I'm tired," I say. "Well, I stayed up until 5 am last night," ok??? 1. I was speaking to F and not you. 2. I literally do not care. I stopped talking to you for a reason, you're a pick-me boy who has nothing better to do with your life other than to complain about Catholics to a fucking Catholic and make me feel like absolute shit for wanting to convert in the first place, and to try to fucking reason with me about religion. It's like dude. No one cares about mine or your religion. I do not care that we have a Mormon in social studies because it's okay to not agree with someone. We can disagree and not treat each other like assholes. And for one of the cherries on top, he makes weird comments like "Haha like. What if we dated??" to an ARO-ACE AUTISTIC KID WHO ISN'T EVEN DATING ANYONE. I DON'T CARE WE HAVE BEEN FRIENDS FOR 5 YEARS. I DON'T CARE THAT YOUR 'sad' OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT, BECAUSE EVEN WHEN YOU WEREN'T SAD ALL YOU DID WAS PUT OFF MY EMOTIONS TO TRY AND GET R AND F TO DEAL WITH THEM, SO YOU CAN ONLY TALK TO ME WHEN IM 'Happy' OR 'Acting like myself' BUT IT'S NOT MYSELF; ITS JUST A STUPID PERSONA I PLAY TO SHUT HIM UP SO I ACT LIKE A 'Regular' AUTISTIC PERSON.

I HATE HIM SO MUCH. FUCK- HE EVEN COMMENTS ON MY FOOD. I don't eat much in the school cafeteria because 1. ew 2. my funni little brain only lets me eat specific foods so I just, skip. I eat when I get home and it's fine. But NOOO every time I eat something he is like "Natalie!! (please don't call me that online) good job for eating!!!!" and it's so HUMELIIATING. He even comments on my body a lot, "Everything looks good on you," "Gosh, how do you eat so much while staying thin?" "I love your hourglass figure," I HATE IT. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP AAAAAAAAAH

[stormblessed95]

So there's a convo going on in jikook spaces about how sad jimin was in 2018. I know all the members were having a hard time but my brain is just thinking jikook would have had each other to lean on to mitigate some of the effects of what was going on.

I just wanted to know your take on it cause I love your deep dives. They're always so informative and introspective.

I really don't know what to think of jikook 2018 because jimin said he was so lonely and I'm kinda taken aback by that because if jikook were a thing then where is this deep loneliness coming from?

I'm not young and naive enough to think that all your emotional problems can be solved by a partner but it still just makes me go hmmmm. And I'm constantly swinging back and forth with whether or not I think jikook are in a romantic relationship.

Oof the compliments. 🥺 never know how to handle those. Thank you!

So I'm probably going to get more personal than I have on here before, so I'm going to add a trigger warning right here at the beginning for mental health, self harm, depression.... if any of that will trigger you, please don't keep reading.

I saw a lot of the more specific asks and moments talking about this from @akookminsupporter 's page and so im going to speak a little more generally since I feel like her posts covered all the nitty gritty really well.

TW will start after this.

So I'll share a bit about myself here. If we go back years ago, I struggled a lot with my mental health, with depression, with loneliness. And you would never know it looking at me. I had a ton of friends, I was very social. My now husband and I had been together for awhile, since school years and had gotten engaged just recently. I had so many friends tell me that I had the perfect life, the perfect family, the perfect relationship. I was also cutting myself multiple times a week and crying myself to sleep often. And no one knew because I told no one. My relationship had nothing to do with it, it was steady and rock solid, I felt happy when I was with him and safe, from the world, from myself. It didn't fix anything though. I still struggled and I struggled silently for a very long time. My husband is one of the reasons I was able to pull myself out, but the loneliness and the darkness was not something he could fight for me. He could support me and love me, but those are things that only the person who deals with it can conquer for themselves. No relationship, no matter how good, can take those feelings away from you. (I'm okay now, so please don't worry about that. We all still have bad days, but I'm much healthier about it now)

I am not a person who accepts help from others easily, Jimin is very relatable in that way. He is the first to jump to help anyone else and the last to accept any help from the others. The members have said at times where they had to pry things out of Jimin when he was having a hard time. Jimin does not like getting attention when he is struggling emotionally. We see him turn cameras away or hide his face away as much as he can. He does not want people making a big deal about it. People recieve comfort in different ways, I think Jungkook respects that about Jimin and gives to him what he personally needs, which is not always to be smothered with attention during those moments.

Do I think Jimin was struggling mentally and emotionally during 2018? Yes. I think ALL the members were. Literally just listen to Outro: tear and tell me they all weren't a little f**ked up emotionally. Do I think Jikook were experiencing any problems with their personal relationship, whatever it may be? No. These were individual struggles and they did lean on each other. They all did. During this year we had JK injuring his heel, we had Jimin with chronic pain and both having to miss performances, which we all know tore them up inside. We had the potential disbandment of the band, which is hard and emotional. We have Namjoon saying in all their behind clips from concerts "we don't know when we will ever get to do this again" lending credibility to how serious they were about the possible band breakup.

Keep in mind that not all moments were sad moments, especially with jikook. 2018 was the same year that we got GCF Saipan, which should be the biggest proof that nothing was off with jikook. We got JK giving Jimin flowers from JMs dad on his birthday, followed by Suga pranking JK by saying Jimin's dad surprised showed up. (Why a prank about JMs dad on JK, Suga?? Please speak into the mic about why that was so funny!) We got MMA, MAMA, AAA 2018 jikook at award shows where they were all over each other. We have jikook comforting each other after concerts, Jimin knowing why JK is upset when the others don't, comforting each other on stage, all the stage moments (such as JK pulling JM to his lap by his tie), JM booking it across the stage to check on JK thinking he was getting sick.... we have the odd "this is our first time with tape" comment, this is the year they posted the most selcas together ever, they danced black & white together, their picnic date photoshoot, this was the year they posted how they FaceTime each other from the same room and had super flirty exchanges on Twitter, we had BV3 in Malta during 2018 where they were very clingy and going on dates almost the whole time. They were just in general LOUD and touchy their entire tour on stage.

Its important that we remember to not let some of their bad days outweigh the overall good ones. I think they showed time and time again how they were there for each other, cared for each other and loved each other in 2018. These behind the scene documentaries are supposed to show the darker sides, the emotional sides. They have them too. But there is so much more to them then just the bad days, and when they have those bad days, they are there for each other and help each other push through, even if its just helping the other to smile a little bit during the day and letting them know they aren't alone by simply letting them feel your presence.

Sometimes we feel lonely and sad even when enveloped by love. Sometimes it is hard to accept the love given to us. Sometimes our personal struggles are ones we have to tackle alone. Jimin and Jungkook were shown to be supportive of each other in the ways they could be though and I don't think either one doubted their love for each other, no matter what their relationship was or is. I'm proud of how they all open up and make this normalized conversation. Its important. But I guess in conclusion, I think Jikook during 2018 were fine as in just the 2 of them, they just also had a lot going on outside of their own relationship and that all can be a lot of deal with and a lot to handle, especially as a celebrity where everything you say and do gets analyzed I'm sure.

I don't know if this is what you were looking for in an answer or not, but I hope it was helpful either way. I personally believe that they were fine relationship wise that year, but as always these are simply my personal opinions. You are all free to think differently!

[khaleesiofalicante]

hey...I kinda just needed to vent. you can ignore this.

on-site school starts tomorrow and even though it's only 2 days a week I'm nervous as hell. actually, screw that I'm terrified. we've literally been online for the past 2 years only going to school for tests sometimes. but this will be different. it's a new year and new teachers and my biology teacher used to have me for maths in grade 6 and years have passed but she scares the shit out of me. I don't know why she's just...

TW S3lf h@/rm

I've recently started cutting. oh my god saying it like this...I'm terrified. because every time I'm less hesitant and that's scary. I'm afraid one day I'll hurt myself too deeply. my thoughts are all over the place and it's all kind of a mess. I've always had self-harming tendencies but never to the point of blood. It's been a few days since I last did it and I've been trying not to. but with school starting and having to face people, face teachers...I've been getting that urge again. I don't want to but it's...goddamn I sound crazy.

anyway, do you have some tips on dealing with on-site school after years of online and scary teachers who gave you nightmares years ago and still do?

Hi.

I've been meaning to write something about this since a lot of my friends here on tumblr are going to back to school in soon.

I understand your anxiety. The world is pretty shit at the moment and it's already terrifying enough.

Apologies for the late reply. I was doing some reading on this before I could write back to you.

Every single resource I read was aimed at parents. They kept talking about "how to help your child" and "how to help your teenager". But I don't think these people who are writing these resources know that the biggest problem children/teenagers have is their inability or hesitancy to talk to their parents - especially about something like this.

There is very little content/support directly addressing teenagers - which I think is absolutely ridiculous. So, I read all the resources written for parents - and tried to salvage some useful stuff.

Here is something they all recommended - which I second.

You need to establish a routine.

Having a routine generally helps reduce anxiety. Most of the anxiety comes from not knowing what is going to happen and how you are going to react to it. So, having a predictable routine - especially in areas you are able to control - will be of great help.

For example, (while this might sound boring) I map out my daily tasks every day - to the dot. I know exactly what I will be doing at any point of the day because I write it down on my phone. It helps me keep my anxiety in check. So, when you are going to back to school - especially on the days you physically have to visit, try to have a routine. Before you go to the bed the previous day, go through this mental schedule. It will make you feel a little better knowing what’s gonna happen tomorrow. 

Other than that, remember to take one day at a time. 

We really need to take baby steps here. Remember that you are not alone in how you feel. Everyone, including your peers, are terrified of what’s going on. And when people are scared, they have a tendency to act like shitheads. So, try to be kind - to others and yourself.

About this teacher of yours - I don’t know why exactly you are scared of her. If she has done something to hurt you or another student, then you should talk to someone at your school at about it. But if it is just “a vibe”, then I would suggest (if you want to) you talk to her directly. I understand how terrifying that might sound. If that’s the case, talk to another teacher (who you can trust). It is very important that you feel comfortable in your learning environment. So, if you are terrified of your teacher, then you need to be able to assess why that is - so that you can get rid of it. 

As for the self-harm, I understand why you are getting the urges again. One of the main ways to cope with self-harm is to distract yourself with a coping mechanism or a different activity. I’m not sure if you currently have any coping mechanisms that might help you. But here are some suggestions that might help. People self-harm for different reasons, I’m just going to write a bunch here. Hopefully, some of them will be useful for you!

If you're feeling anger and frustration

exercise

hit cushions

shout and dance

shake

tear something up into hundreds of pieces

go for a run.

Expressing your anger physically, or by doing things like shouting, won't work for everyone and could intensify feelings. Try things out and continue with any that have a positive effect.

If you're feeling sadness and fear

wrap a blanket around you

spend time with an animal

walk in nature

let yourself cry or sleep

listen to soothing music

tell someone how you feel

massage your hands

lie in a comfortable position and breathe in – then breathe out slowly, making your out-breath longer than your in-breath. Repeat until you feel more relaxed.

If you're feeling a need to control

write lists

tidy up

declutter

write a letter saying everything you are feeling, then tear it up

weed a garden

clench then relax all your muscles.

If you're feeling numb and disconnected

flick elastic bands on your wrists

hold ice cubes

smell something with strong odour

have a very cold shower.

If you're feeling shame

stop spending time with anyone who treats you unkindly

recognise when you are trying to be perfect and accept that making mistakes is part of being human

remind yourself that there are reasons for how you behave – it is not because you are 'bad'.

If you're feeling self-hatred and wanting to punish yourself

write a letter from the part of you that feels the self-hatred, then write back with as much compassion and acceptance as you can

find creative ways to express the self-hatred, through writing songs or poetry, drawing, movement or singing

do physical exercise (like running or going to the gym) to express the anger that is turned in on yourself.

And finally and most importantly - whether it’s self-harm or anxiety, something that ALWAYS help is to talk to someone. The fact that someone else knows what you are going through and someone else is listening can really be helpful. So, if it gets tough in school or if you are getting the urge again, please please reach out to someone you can talk to - online or offline. There is no shame in getting help when you need it. I’m always here if you want to distract yourself by talking about malec or fics or anything else. 

I wish someone had told me this. So, I'm gonna tell you now. 

It’s just school. You’re gonna get through it. 

[soullikethesea]

I wrote a letter in response to Mae's letters. The ones that were goodbye letters.

TW: suicide

I'm not sure how to feel about it. I'm reading a book called: "The power of imagination for trauma survivors" and it's totally what my T tries to get me to do all the time. Imagining helpful things, sort of going back in the past that way.

It helps, but it does not solve the fragmentation. So it does need more than that, I think.

I think I'm supposed to realize that Mae's goodbye letters were mine. That's what I wrote. It's just too sad to own. I read them out loud last night and I finally cried about it. The thing that gets me is how determined they are.

It's not a cry for help. It's not a plea about how life is unfair and no one saved me. They are letters in which I refer to myself as dead repeatedly. It means that I fully expected that I would succeed and did not hesitate.

That's what I remember from the attempt I made as well. I took a deep breath and just went for it. I wasn't emotional or crying. That's easy to tell from the letters as well, I continually wrote about how this was "the right decision". It also would have been impossible to tell what I went through. There's not a word about the abuse, the bullying, anything like that. I just repeated that I loved my family and that no one should blame themselves.

I was only 11/12 years old when I wrote these letters, still in primary school.

I also refer to Bf. I say that he is the only person that I would miss, the only one who hasn't hurt me. That's also such a big oof. And to think he was 10 years older than me. What 21 year old has a daily correspondence with an 11 year old? That's so creepy. And at the same time I needed it so desperately: someone who could understand me more than my peers.

And I was callous towards the people who care about me, in ways I did not realize at the time. I literally wrote to my dad: "Try better with the next kid." That is callous. I'm ashamed of how I didn't realize what the impact would have really been, not just of those words but of the whole situation.

I guess that's normal when you're 11/12. I remember that what I longed for were people who would be honest and real with me, people who would truly see me and who would help me answer big philosophical and existential questions that I had. Like, why do people hurt other people? How can that be? It shocked me that people would do such things on purpose and not care about the consequences. I was disgusted to be human too, and to know that I'm no better and hurt others too. Even when I don't mean to. That alone was enough motivation for me to want to end my life.

In therapy T had me imagine what would have helped me and I said that I should have changed schools. That would have been a big help. I mean, it was a big help eventually, just some years too late.

I was unhappy, but I was still lucky in many ways. So it feels a bit stupid, like I was/am complaining about nothing. I just remember the stairs, how I would count every step until I would reach my home & my mother would yell at me. She was so incredibly angry.

And I was so small still. When I got a cellphone I would call Bf while hiding under a blanket and giggling the whole time. I was so incredibly happy to have a cat. It brought me so much joy. I was big and small at the same time, with the big life questions and pain that was too much to carry - and the naivety that was almost younger than my calendar age.