#tw: suicidal thought
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I got emotional over being alive again.
I was just in bed and doing some math over my budget for winter and I started thinking how I will have to get off the youth discount program from my bank acc come a couple years and I suddenly froze.
I suddenly realised that I will be old enough to leave youth programs.
I lived long enought to start getting off of youth programs.
I can't explain how emotional it made me to realise that through all the years that I wanted to either die or kill myself I managed to get through it and now I am an adult and a friend made a frog with a mushroom hat on my wall.
I never would have seen a frog with a mushroom hat if I gave up 10 years ago when everything was horrible and I had no hope left for my future.
So yeah, life is okay actualy. It was worth it for the frog.
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death isnt enough. i need to never have existed
#bpd#actually bpd#actually borderline#bpd thoughts#bpd safe#bpd vent#actually mentally ill#borderline personality disorder#cluster b#tw sui ideation#tw depressing thoughts#tw depressing stuff#passive suicidality
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#actually borderline#bpd feels#bpd mood#bpd problems#bpd thoughts#bpd vent#actually bpd#borderline personality disorder#depressing shit#living with ptsd#tw bpd vent#tw self destructive behavior#tw depressing thoughts#tw depressing stuff#tw depression#actually ptsd#childhood trauma#trauma#borderline things#borderline thoughts#sad thoughts#suicide
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No bc seriously wtf is wrong with y'all like SERIOUSLY. This shit makes me so fucking mad and I don't even know how long this post is gonna be bc I am gonna go on a rant, how fucking dare you tell me that what I posted almost made you k*ll yourself when all I did was post harmless stuff I know there's multiple people that followed me back then that still follow me now I have mutuals that I still frequently interact with now that I interacted with back then and they can tell yall I never in my fucking life said ANYTHING that was even harmful towards anyone, what I did was in fact calling people out for their stalking and the absolute audacity to say that shit when I was over here getting death threats and biphobic comments, during a time where I was not well mentally and it got to a point that things on here were so bad and my mental health was sooo bad that even my mom was concerned and asked me what was going on, I never did anything to harm anyone but let's say that you didn't like my stuff and it hurt you, you have the block button right there and you should have used it if that was the case, I begged people to use it on multiple occasions, on the contrary I couldn't not get the death threats I could block them but only AFTER I got them so anon not so kindly bc I'm sure that even though I blocked you, you will eventually see this somehow, check yourself. Bc one thing I will NEVER fucking allow is for others to tell me shit like that when I'm very much aware of the things I said and that I never said anything that could harm anyone, specially intentionally, if you were offended by some of the things that's not on me bc I never mentioned anyone never tagged anyone I say it to everyone, if the shoe fits the shoe fits and I made that clear multiple times, that I was never talking about everyone in a fandom but only about certain people. I'm really sorry for you if you really weren't doing well mentally and if that really happened I hope you're doing better I really do, but don't you fucking dare blame it on me
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Now that you're gone
#*guy who just spent a full month selling 60 pages worth of comics voice* i should write another comic#this is part 1 of 2 btw. i have another one scripted from aryll's pov LOL#anyway. the concept for this has been in my head for like. years. finally decided to actually write it tho lol#the thought of his family after the initial calamity strike makes me crazy. they lost him. but he was already gone.#he was gone the moment he picked up that sword. could they have stopped it? should they have?#would things have ended any differently if they'd tried? or would it only have been worse for him?#ANYWAY. hi everyone new black and white zelda comic from the black and white zelda comic guy#skribbles#botw#loz#legend of zelda#breath of the wild#totk#tears of the kingdom#OH SHIT. TRIGGER WARNINGS#tw gore#tw suicide#tw suicidal ideation#<sorry 4 forgetting at first LMAO
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The canon heart event that made me want to do these comics to begin with 🌧️
← previous | next ->
Comic Masterlist
#stardew valley#sdv#sdv shane#sdv farmer#nell franklin#comic#artsy stuff#tw suicidal thoughts#stardew comic
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I'm sorry
Masterpost
Next
Previous
#rottmnt#art#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#digital art#rottmnt leo#artstyle#rise leo#save rottmt#leonardo hamato#mental illness#rottmnt comic#comic#tw s3lf harm#tw suicidal thoughts#tw mental breakdown#tw mental health#tw self harm
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I take you where you want to go
I give you all you need to know
I drag you down, I use you up
Mr. Self Destruct
Nine Inch Nails - Mr. Self Destruct
#tw blood / s**cidal thoughts#bill cipher#bill cipher fanart#the book of bill#gravity falls#the book of bill fanart#stanford pines fanart#stanford pines#tbob fanart#ford pines#billford#billford fanart#tw blood#tw suicidal thoughts
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worlds smuggest tween owning noobs on wizard101
#rose lalonde#lovisas art#uhhhhh#tw suicide bait#i guess??#if u look closely at the chat window#spent way too much time recreating the ui#anyway come find me on wizard101#this has been sitting in my drafts for like a week bc i thought i posted it a few days ago#and today i was like boohoo why is nobody leaving tags on my wizard101 post#well here it is i guess#oh and disclaimer yes roses psychoanalysis is full of shit and thats the point dont @ me#shes 12-13 (wizard101 was created in fall 2008 and sburb ended the world in spring 2009#she had a very slim window of time to play this masterpiece of a game
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Just relapsed after 6 months
#girlblogging#girlblogger#whisper girl#real#tw sh related#female hysteria#relatable#relatable memes#born to die#tw selfhate#tw self destructive behavior#the feminine urge#the virgin suicides#depressing shit#tw depressing stuff#depressing memes#self destruction#su1c1d3#self deprecating humor#tw depressing thoughts#tw depressive#bpd problems#bpd vent#actually bpd#borderline personality disorder#mentally unstable#vent blog#vent post#mental illness#actually mentally ill
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TW // Suicidal Thoughts
BGM- End Titles - The Last Guardian
ACT 1
ACT 2
ACT 3 - 1 <<< 23 / 24 / ⚡️
Spot the One Piece reference! ☺️
So, yeah, this segment is very dear to me on a personal level, so I hope you guys enjoy it as much as I enjoyed drawing it. These updates are taking so long due to the backgrounds and extra characters, but this time, the backgrounds are simplified along with the colour palette, so hopefully the next update isn’t too far off! I know last year I took a month long break, but I have been managing breaks between updates, so this time it won’t be necessary. My goal is to have this comic done by April. Props if I have it done before then!
#luigi#Lumalee#Penguin king#tsmbm#the super mario bros movie#princess peach#TW // suicidal thoughts#TW
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THOUGHT GAINED: INFERNAL ENGINES
PROBLEM
The world is ending. You know it, your neighbor knows it, the dealer knows it, the jailer knows it, the king and all his men know it. All one has to do is look around to see it— the future is curdling into something pale and incorporeal. The infernal machine that is this stupid world is going to blow, sooner rather than later. So what are you doing? Why are you still here? Why is anyone still here?
SOLUTION
You are doing the only thing worth doing. You are living. *Why,* you ask? Try and remember now. Remember your mother’s hand on your shoulder. Remember the taste of a fresh catch. Remember the times when you were kind to the dogs in the valley and they did not bare their teeth. Remember the weight of a child on your shoulders. Remember the stars throwing their light against the wall of sodium and smog. Remember singing until your throat was raw. Remember crying just as loudly and publicly, and the gentleness with which someone opened your curled fist and pressed a handkerchief into your palm. Crying, laughing, running, eating, screaming, haunting, loving, fighting, fighting, fighting. The fight fuels you, and you fuel the fight. You run yourself ragged just for a chance to keep running. You never stop. You cannot stop. The world depends on it. *You* are the infernal engine. You are the world. And, simply put: you want to live.
#disco elysium#thought cabinet#suicide tw#smth a little different#this is actually smth i would like to include in a full length one shot#but i think it’s gonna get edited p heavily for the fic this is just a first pass at it#but. i like this draft of it and i want to archive it#feels like me and all my loved ones have death on their minds most of the time lately…#reminding myself that keeping myself and all the ppl i care about on this earth is what everything is about#always and forever
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taking naps because i hate feeling and hope to never wake up
#bpd#actually bpd#actually borderline#bpd vent#bpd safe#bpd thoughts#bpd blog#bpd problems#borderline personality disorder#tw depressing thoughts#tw depressing stuff#tw sui ideation#sui thoughts#passive suicidality
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I just want to go to sleep and never wake up again.
#personal#life#thoughts#lost#depressing quotes#dead#tw depression#sad thoughts#suicide#suicidal#death#want to die
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Just a silly little girl with silly little thoughts of suicide
#girlblogging#just girly thoughts#it would technically be#the virgin suicides#im so funny#tw sui ideation#coquette#birdie's chestbox#s3lfharmm#tw s3lf harm#s3lf harn#s3lf mutilation#tw sh implied#shblrr#sh things#depressing shit#sh cvt#i wanna cvt#self h@rm#slef harm#lana del ray aka lizzy grant#lizzy grant#female sedness#female hysteria#female manipulator#hell is a teenage girl#obviously doctor you've never been a 13 year old girl#cvtting addict#tw sui implied
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What's Eight Plus Seven?
Part One🦇Part Two🦇Part Three🦇Part Four🦇Part Five
Prompt from @devious-kitten
Steve had a mild interest in DnD as a freshmen because of a cousin or something. The interest was killed by Eddie being mean since Steve is a jock. Post vecna Eddie finds dust covered DnD handbook Steve explains and Eddie faces a still hurt Steve as a results of his biases
((Half written fic, half rambling about how it would go down. Apologies for the formatting. Also I added more angst than the prompt called for hehe))
Steve has always loved sports. This is a well-known fact. He's played on some sort of sports team from the time he was old enough for his parents to be able to sign him up.
A lesser-known fact is that Steve loves fantasy. Or, at least, he used to. On the playground in elementary school, Steve could often be found playing knights and dragons, and it was anyone's guess if he would be a knight or a dragon on any particular day.
The summer between middle and high school, Steve spent with his grandparents from his mother's side, on the farm they'd retired on in Michigan. A month long stay that he'd shared with his cousins, Amber, Robert, and Christopher. Amber and Robert are twins, four years younger than Steve, and Christopher was two years older and infinitely cooler than anyone else Steve knew.
Christopher was on the varsity basketball team at his high school when he was just a sophomore, captain of the JV football team, president of the chess club, and in a games club.
Christopher was everything Steve wanted to be now that he was going to be in high school. Minus the chess club because
It was during that summer, Steve got to indulge in playing make believe for another summer with his younger cousins, without the judgement of people (his father and peers) who thought he was too old for such things. He also got to learn about make believe for older kids, because Christopher played a game called Dungeons and Dragons with his game club the last month of school before summer break and spent many evenings going over what had happened with Steve as a captive audience.
"I wish I'd brought the books," Christopher had whispered to him one night from the bed, peaking over to look down at Steve in his sleeping bag on the floor, "we could have played."
Steve wishes he'd brought the books, too.
At the end of July, Christopher, Amber, and Robert's parents show up to pick them up, five days before Steve's scheduled flight to Indianapolis. It's a sad goodbye because one summer a year isn't enough with his cousins but they live in Washington. Steve's always jealous their parents drive all the way to pick them up, but a little proud he gets to brag about how he's flown alone since he was seven. No one else in his class can brag about that.
His mom picks him up in Indianapolis and they go back to school shopping while there.
A week later, Steve receives a package from Christopher. Inside Steve finds Advanced Dungeons and Dragons books, three of them, and even though Christopher said nothing about advanced, he's sure he can manage. On the inside cover of the players handbook, Christopher has written:
Hey Steve, I think you'd rock playing a dwarf paladin. Let's play next summer? Christopher 1981
He spends the last three weeks of summer vacation reading the player handbook cover to cover and making a character. It's slow going, because letters don't stay where they're supposed to be on the page (that's a problem he's had his whole life, so he's not surprised but he is determined), and he's never been good at math, so getting the stats down on paper isn't easy. He can't decide what he wants to play, so he makes two characters; an elf magic-user and, of course, a dwarf paladin.
(He's a little disappointed you can't be a dragon.)
Steve's never been one to dread the first day of school, but he's never actually looked forward to it, either. It's just been another day.
Until today.
Today is his first day as a high schooler. And the only people who go to the first day are Freshman, except the upper classman that have volunteered to man the booths for school activities for the last hour of the day. It's supposed to help the Freshman get the lay of the land without being overwhelming and Steve's excited for it. He needs to see if Hawkins High has a games club like Christopher's school does.
Here Steve is, that last hour of school. He's already been to the basketball booth, promising to sign up as soon as the season started, and the swim booth because he's got a pool at his house and has been swimming for as long as he can remember and knows he enjoys it. He also stops by the football booth even though he's never played, or cared much, for it. (Maybe he's trying to emulate Christopher, sue him.). So, the final thing is to see if Hawkins High offers a chess club and a game club.
Steve is delighted to see that, though there is no games club, there is a Dungeons and Dragons club! That delight wavers because of the kid manning the booth. His hair is curly and falls just below his ears, with big brown eyes. Steve hates to think it, but he'd be cute if he didn't look like he wanted to stab Steve.
"Yeah, no, keep walking," says the boy, pulling the flier with meeting information on it out from under Steve's hand, where he'd been attempting to read it.
Steve looks up, brows furrowed in confusion. "I was reading that."
"And I said no. Jocks don't play Dungeons and Dragons."
"I could," Steve says, offended. He squints at the name tag sticker slapped diagonally across the way too big jean vest this guy's wearing. E-d-d-i-e. Eddie.
"Have you ever played?"
"Well... no, but-"
"No buts. Mitch let a jock join last year and that was a nightmare. He could barely read the rule book. And with how you were squinting down at the flier, and then my name tag, you're not going to be much better."
Jokes on Eddie, Steve's already read the rule book. Even if it was slowly. "I can read just fine."
"Can you math, then? What's eight plus seven?"
"What?"
"Simple addition. Eight plus seven. What is it?"
Steve knows simple addition. This is fine. It doesn't matter than he's been put on the spot, and that math is hard for the same reason as reading. He can do this. His hand twitches with wanting to pull it up and use it to keep track. He's faster at math when he can do that, but this jerk is mean mugging him and he just knows if he moves his hand, this guy will mock him the rest of the school year.
Eight plus seven. Ok. Make it easier, get to ten. It takes adding two to the eight to get ten. Ok. Take that two away from the seven now. That makes... five! Ok. Ten plus five is-
"Dude, it's fifteen," Eddie snaps.
"I knew that!"
Scoff. "Right. How about seventeen plus six."
Steve can feel his face turning red with embarrassment but he's not going to let this jackass be right. Round up. It takes three to get seventeen to twenty, so take three away from the six-
"23. Point proven. Go. Away. Go play your jock games and leave me- us alone."
Steve opens his mouth to argue, or maybe plead, that he can do this, and that, more importantly, he wants to do this, but laughter cuts through the air and for the first time, Steve notices the audience that has gathered. Three people are laughing at him, and his inability to do mental math, and it makes Steve snap his jaw shut and swallow.
"Mental math isn't that hard, Steve," one of them, Brant, says, as he elbows the guy next to him.
"Thank you!" Eddie says, "that's what I'm saying."
"Whatever, man, like I'd want to play make believe at this age anyway," Steve mutters and rushes away.
If, two weeks later, Steve watches Kyle trip who he now knows is Eddie 'The Freak' Munson in the bathroom, and drag him into a stall for a swirly, well, no he didn't. He briefly thinks of saying something to stop Kyle, but shoves the words down and instead turns on heel and leaves that bathroom just as the sound of flushing and Eddie yelling start. The thick bathroom door does a good job of muffling the noise and if Steve feels any guilt about that, he shoves that down, too.
Besides, Kyle's the captain of the basketball team and if Steve wants a chance to be on that team, he can't stay anything. It's a well-known fact that Steve likes sports, after all. He's going to stick to that. Screw Eddie Munson and his Dungeons and Dragons club.
Steve will get to play Dungeons and Dragons with Christopher next summer.
Except, halfway through the school year, Steve and his parents quickly board a plane bound for Washington. Turns out being as perfect as Christopher was is hard. Overwhelming.
They arrive the day before the funeral, and fly out right after it. Steve barely has time to mourn before they're shuffling him back to school that Monday.
Christopher died, and with him, so does Steve's desire to be just like him. He quits the football team. He keeps basketball because he does like it, even without Christopher's influence. He can't bring himself to get rid of the Dungeons and Dragons books, but he can't look at them, either. They end up in the downstairs hall closet, forgotten on the shelf.
So, years later, after rising to the top of the food chain (no one was ever going to embarrass him like Eddie Munson had again) and then falling to the bottom (who cares about high school popularity when interdimensional monsters exist) and of course, the years of fighting against said interdimensional monsters before ending it all in spring of '86, Steve finds himself, unwillingly, agreeing to host Hellfire since the school banned the club following the events of spring break.
Damn Dustin Henderson. Steve usually has the backbone to say no but Dustin had to play up 'getting a chance to finally just be kids' and fuck, how was Steve going to say no to that? Despite how quickly his own desire to be a freshman playing Dungeons and Dragon had been squashed, he can't be the one to ruin this for them.
"Thanks for hosting, man," Eddie says when Steve lets him in. He's an hour early but had asked if that was okay. Apparently the dungeon master has a lot of prep to do? Not that Steve would know.
"Sure," Steve says, dismissively, because while Eddie and he went through hell together, and Steve carried his sorry ass out of the Upside Down, Steve can't quite let his guard down around him.
It's funny. In the Upside Down, Eddie had made a point to tell him he's changed, is a 'good dude' now. So, what's funny is how much Eddie is exactly the same person he was five years ago. He was an ass to Steve five years ago, and as far as Steve is concerned, was also an ass to Lucas for wanting to play basketball just this year.
He swears to God, if he hears one negative thing about Lucas tonight, he's punching Eddie unconscious, no matter what the rest of Hellfire will do or say about it.
Eddie's been in his dining room for maybe five minutes before he finds Steve in the living room. Steve's got a movie playing but he couldn't tell you which one. He's not really watching it.
"Do you got a table cloth for that big table? Jeff's got a set of metal dice and I'd feel like a real ass if we scratched it on accident."
Steve takes a deep breath before answering. He hates that Eddie is considerate like this, has been since spring break if Steve's being honest, but he doesn't want to see Eddie's good qualities. So, he waves in the direction of the closet. "Yeah. There should be some in the hall closet there. Help yourself."
"Thanks."
He twists on the couch to watch Eddie cross the room to the closet door, listens as the door creaks opens, hears the quiet, pleased noise Eddie lets out when his eyes land on the stack of table clothes. Steve continues to watch as Eddie just grabs the whole stack and yanks them off the top shelf.
Which means his watching as the stack of non-fabric objects, which must have been half atop the table clothes, also tumble out of the closet, bouncing off various parts of Eddie. It's a bunch of miscellaneous items. However, Steve realizes with horror, the book that bounces off Eddie's head is his copy of the Monster Manual. Eddie has stepped back in surprise (and possibly pain), so the Dungeon Master Guide and the Players Handbook bounce off his torso and leg before landing on the ground.
"Fuck," Eddie curses, before he stares down at what just assaulted him. Steve just stares at Eddie, watching as he slowly comes to comprehend what he's seeing. He watches as Eddie bends down and grabs the Player Handbook, the last thing to fall, from a top the pile. "What the-"
Steve stands, suddenly defensive, but doesn't actually say anything or move closer. He just watches as Eddie examines the book, flipping it from front to back in his hand like the title will change if he does that enough times.
Then, Eddie turns to him, bewildered. "Present for one of the kids? Thought they all had their own copies."
"No."
Eddie flips the book open. Reads the words written in there so many years ago. "Who's Christopher? Wait. 1981? You were playing D&D in 1981?"
"None of your business, and no," Steve says, now kicking into action, stomping up to Eddie and snatching the book from his hands.
Eddie hold his hands up in defense before his eyes turn mischievous. The same glint in them now that was there when Eddie'd leaned into this space in the RV and called him big boy. "Are you lying to me, Stevie? You've played before, haven't you?"
It makes Steve's blood boil. "No. I haven't played!"
"Alright. You could now, you know," Eddie says. And it's the way he says it, all nonchalant and like he's trying to be coy about it- it tips something over inside Steve. A bottle that held his humiliation and hurt from all those years ago.
"Oh, now I'm good enough for D&D? Now I can join? Aren't I too much of a jock for you!?"
"Whoa, what's with the hostility-"
"What's eight plus seven, Eddie!?" Steve snaps. His memory might be shit these days, with all the concussions, but the unfortunate part about Steve is that he always seems to remember the bad. And he remembers Freshman First Day like yesterday. "No? How about seventeen plus six? Come on, mental math isn't hard. Or don't you remember? I'm just a stupid jock too slow on the uptake, or no, what was it you said? It'll be a nightmare to play with me, 'cause I might be barely able to read the rules?"
He watches as Eddie's face morphs from confusion, to understanding and horror. "Holy shit, Steve. That was you- you wanted to join Hellfire-"
"Yeah, and you made it pretty fuckin' clear I didn't belong in it."
"I'm sorry man. I shouldn't have- if I'd known you, I never would have-"
"That's the problem, Eddie!" Steve shouts, waving the book in front of him. "You didn't know me. You looked at me and decided for me that I was going to be a jock and nothing else and then humiliated me in front of other people! You didn't even bother to try to know me. I spent three weeks reading this stupid book cover to cover because I knew I was shit at reading and I still wanted to try anyway."
He sees Eddie puffing up in anger. "Well, I wasn't exactly wrong, was I? You were a jock, a bully even!"
"Yeah, because I was a dumb, hurt kid who decided that it was better to hurt than be hurt. As if you weren't exactly the same that day, lashing out at me first, at my reading ability, and mocking me for not being quick at math. Fuck you, Munson!" Steve walks away, not hearing anything Eddie shouts after him as he sprints up the stairs and shuts himself in his room.
Steve knows he was a dick in high school, and it's not Eddie's fault he was a dick. Steve made choices he's not proud of and no one forced those choice on him. But Eddie doesn't get to throw that back in his face. Not when Eddie made him feel humiliated and stupid on the first goddamn day of high school, long before Steve became mean himself.
#pre-steddie#my fic#prompt#sophomore eddie is a jerk#but only because he thinks steves gonna be a jerk first so hes gotta beat him to it#also steves very mean to eddie in his thoughts but its only his thoughts#tw: minor character death#its an oc tho#tw: suicide implied but not stated
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