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schrijverr · 5 days ago

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All the Things Bobby Regrets

An addition to chapter 32 to 37, wherein we get Bobby’s POV of what happened after he had to told the brass about what is going on between Eddie and Buck. As well as an exploration of how it was to not be able to talk with either of them while the investigation into their relationship was ongoing. How he experienced those weeks.

On AO3.

Ships: Bathena, Buddie, Madney

Warnings: referenced past suicide ideation, referenced near death experience, referenced minor character death, guilt, injury

~~~

“Until an investigation is completed, you are prohibited from contacting either Firefighter Evan Buckley or Probationary Firefighter Eddie Diaz.” Those are the words with which Bobby departs from LAFD headquarters, having just had a meeting with the LAFD brass.

Bobby practically stumbles outside, having regretted the meeting from almost the moment he entered it and they started questioning him on this relationship he basically knew nothing about. Even now, his head is still spinning with all that has been said.

He has barely had time to process any of it before he went to wage war for Buck and Eddie. He just knew he had to get ahead of this as fast as possible, consequences to his own pending suspension be damned. To try and make sure that grace would be extended to two of his best firefighters. To people he started to consider family.

However, now here he is, outside and reinstated. And he hates it.

Logically, he knows it was the right thing to do. To have it on record that it was notified the second he became aware of it and with as much emphasis on the fact that it wasn’t romantic in nature and the conscious party claimed it wasn’t intentional.

Still, he keeps replaying all the things he could have done in his mind. He is Captain of the 118 again, he could have forged acknowledgment papers, hoped no one ever died on their watch and sued, thus that the department never would have found out. But he can’t. There needs to be an HR sign off and Eddie is still a probationary firefighter, they never would have allowed that.

Maybe, he could have checked if they could divorce and sweep it all under the rug. Eddie said their marriage was one of convenience – their only potential saving grace for maybe making it out of this with their jobs in tact – so if that is true, maybe they could have worked with that.

In the end, though, any option other than this one, sounds stupid and just comes with higher risks. They can’t all form a conspiracy against the LAFD HR department and hope nothing will ever go wrong ever.

Yet Bobby yearns for that anyway. Yearns for another option than the one he has, because now he can’t go see Buck again and he desperately wants to. He just wants to see him. See him and confirm that he is okay with his own two eyes, because right now, all he has is the image of Buck under that firetruck, whimpering in pain, or barely conscious on a stretcher.

God, Bobby just wants to see him awake, see him smile. Even if he can’t talk, he just wants to stand outside that hospital window and look at him. For just a second. He’d give anything for a second.

However, he understands the gravitas of the situation. He knows that any hint that any of them might have been in contact with either could be used against all of them. If HR thinks that even one of the others knew and didn’t notify anyone, they could be in as much trouble as Eddie and Buck are, if this investigation goes south for them. All they can do now, is cooperate.

So, he can’t go to the hospital and he can’t see that Buck is okay.

He has texted everyone else not to contact them either, in any possible way, hoping they understand the importance. He’s sure they do, unlike Buck and Eddie, Hen and Chimney aren’t wet behind the ears. They would know not to pull something like this.

But Buck and Eddie had. The way Eddie said it, it made it sound like an accident. ‘It was never meant to get this far, but one day we looked around and we- we- we were just in too deep.’ And Bobby wants to believe that.

He knows these two young men. He knows them. Bobby is confident he does. He’s seen Buck grow out of his irresponsibility, seen Eddie come out of his shell. Seen the two of them become confident and grow into their teamwork. He knows they’re kind, they’re good. He knows them.

Or at least he thought he did.

With everything that was happening, he barely has had the time to process everything that has gone down since he first realized who was planting those bombs. The horror of seeing Buck hurt had to be pushed to the side for giving statements and never got to land in the face of the rug Eddie pulled out from under all of them, before he had to put that aside to advocate for them here.

So, now here he is, standing outside of LAFD headquarters, unsure what to do with himself. He feels lost in a way he hasn’t since meeting Athena and a part of him longs to go to a bar, but he suppresses that and walks to Church instead.

It’s not his Church, but it has to do. Just being there eases something in him and it feels like he’s still doing something for Buck to sit there and pray for him. Pray for himself too, assure himself that Buck did wake up and God is watching over him for Bobby now that he can’t.

He doesn’t know what he would have done with himself if Buck hadn’t made it. As much as he has tried to deny it to himself, deep down, he knows that Buck has become like a son to him. Buck is his kid and he almost died, due to Bobby’s mistakes.

Buck nearly died.

The only reason Bobby knows about any of this, is because he nearly died and the only reason he was in that danger, is because he was in the seat Bobby was meant to sit in.

Bobby thinks he wouldn’t have been able to live with himself, lies be damned, if Buck had died in his stead. And all he wants is to see him again. To look at him and know he is okay, that Bobby didn’t kill him, that he doesn’t have the blood of yet another person on his hands. That he didn’t kill one of his kids again…

But he can’t, because Buck lied.

It’s a fact that sits heavily in his stomach. A fact Bobby has been trying to ignore, because he doesn’t know what to do with it.

He knows what he wants to believe. He wants to believe Eddie, his subordinate and friend. His family, however recent that development. He wants to trust that the honest kid he knows Buck to be, never wanted any of this to happen. That it was just a thing that got out of hand and they didn’t know what to do with themselves. But he can’t ignore everything that was said in that meeting.

Hopelessly, he looks up at the Heavens, eyes meeting the cross that gleams near the ceiling of the Church as he waits for a sign. A sign that tells him what to do. But nothing comes. The not knowing pressing heavily on him.

It’s a sign in his own way and he finishes another prayer for Buck, for his family – because Buck has a family other than the one Bobby thought he had – then leaves the Church and going to the firehouse instead.

After everything, he can’t just go home. He can’t go home, not without knowing. He just needs to see for himself and sit with the reality pointed out to him by the higher ups and that hospital waiting room; he has been lied to and he didn’t notice.

Without any replacement trucks ready, the station is temporarily shut down, but Bobby can still go in, since he has been reinstated after his stunt on TV. A hollow victory now, as he walks through the empty bay that feels like a mausoleum.

In the quiet, he makes his way over to his office, pulling out the same paperwork he was shown earlier, hoping it’ll be different.

It is not.

Both Buck’s and Eddie’s file stare back at him, the same address boldly printed on both of them. A detail he never noticed and something the brass could barely believe would escape him. But why would he have noticed?

When Buck started working at the 118, Bobby was still determined to save the amount of people on his list and die. To not form any connections, but to serve his penance and then leave this world behind to hopefully reunite with his wife and kids, if God was so kind to permit him into Heaven after the sins he had committed.

At the time, he refused to even form cordial relations with his coworkers outside of work, why would he have been memorizing addresses? It was information to have on file if one of his people couldn’t make it home, not something for Captains to memorize.

By the time Eddie came along, a year had passed and there had been no reason to look at Buck’s file during that time. None had known they lived in the same area until they started carpooling, but even then same area doesn’t mean same house.

However, it had been the same house. Just like Edmundo Joseph Diaz had been Buck’s emergency contact until Maddie came back and he changed it. And he hadn’t done that with Bobby, but with the B shift Captain, who still hadn’t worked with Eddie up until that point and wouldn’t have known to think anything of it.

Eddie maintained it was never meant to be this, but he also admitted they had known how this could have ended when they started. They didn’t mean to tell. Without the attack on the 118, none of them would have known and this could have continued on for years longer.

What possessed them to do such a thing, is beyond Bobby’s comprehension. However, Eddie admitted it – the small ‘I know’ still ringing in Bobby’s ear now – and the evidence is now staring him in the face; this wasn’t an accident.

They purposefully lied to them. They purposefully kept this information from them, knowing HR wouldn’t like it, even if they didn’t do anything on a technicality that can still be argued against. They purposefully put all of them in the cross hairs if this were to ever come out.

It can’t have been an accident. There was a planning in this. It was premeditated. A conscious decision from both of them. For Pete’s sake, they acted out a first meeting right in front of his nose and he never realized it was all just a production.

The tension between them during thar first shift had always rubbed Bobby wrong, but he thought he was just rusty with reading people. That that had been why he was unable to pinpoint where the tension was coming from and how to fix it.

But now he realizes he couldn’t pinpoint it, because there was no reason for the tension. Buck and Eddie were already totally capable of working together and being a team, they just decided to act like they weren’t for some reason.

Bobby thought the life threatening situation had forced their teamwork, but they’d been married. Nothing he did really mattered. They could have worked together all along, just chose not to. And for what? To throw Bobby of their trail?

It just doesn’t make any sense to Bobby and he tries to wrap his head around the fact that it’s true anyway as he stares at those files.

The files don’t have any answers for him. Instead Buck’s somewhat nervously, but also cocky and proud head shot looks back at him, as does Eddie’s serious and stoic one. There is nothing different in their faces and Bobby can almost fool himself into believing he knows these two people. But he can’t.

Right now, Buck and Eddie feel like strangers to him.

Eddie was someone Bobby knew kept things to his chest. He integrated easy with everyone, but he didn’t give much away about himself. Everything he’d shared, was mostly by force. Bobby thought they’d been slowly getting him to open up, but now he has to wonder if it hadn’t been by design.

Wonders if the Eddie he has come to know, was ever real. If he truly did just become more comfortable and opened up, or if he isn’t a private person at all, but someone who shares easily, just not with them. If they were always meant to be outsiders of Buck and Eddie.

Has to question, if he can ever believe that Buck is this honest kid, who can’t lie to save his life, when he has been fooling them for two years now. If any of that irresponsibility and impulsivity was just an act he performed for them, so that they’d never think him a parent.

God, Buck is a parent as much as Eddie is. Bobby can be certain of that if the start of the breakdown they saw Chris having in the waiting room is to be believed. And he doesn’t think the boy can act that well, though, then again, he was right here and none of them noticed a thing. Had Chris been in on it from the start? Did he even know what his fathers were doing? How had they explained it to him?

All these thoughts swirl through his head, new ones popping up before he can fully unravel the original thought until they’ve become a tangled web of confusion. Of hurt.

Bobby knew these people. He was their Captain, their mentor. Their friend. And he thought they were his friends too, but now he has to doubt everything.

There is just so much Bobby wants to ask them, so much that he still can’t understand. He wishes now, he hadn’t respected Eddie’s clear ‘don’t talk to me’ in the waiting room when he kept away from them after everything came to light and instead asked him everything.

However, it is clear to him that Eddie might not have answered. He likes to think that it wouldn’t be malicious, that he can still trust that, but whatever their relationship is, he knows Eddie cares deeply about Buck, since he got hit as hard, if not harder than all of them with Buck’s hospitalization. Eddie didn’t appear to be in a head space to answer questions and clarify.

He might be in the right head space now, but Bobby still can’t ask. Despite all the hurt and confusion, he still wants them to come back. He wants them to come out of this unscathed and return to them with their jobs and bodies in tact. Wants to believe that they can explain and it will all make sense to them why they lied to all of them.

Bobby sighs and rubs his face, before he looks down at the files again, hoping against hope that he misread and the information will be different this time. But it remains unchanged.

The same information and head shots continue to stare back at him and it continues to make no sense to Bobby.

If Bobby hadn’t immediately notified the brass, if there hadn’t been such public support for him after he took down Freddie, it would have cost him his job permanently. If the investigation shows one of the others had known and helped them hide it, it can cost them their job. If Buck and Eddie lied about it being of convenience or created a danger in the field, it can cost them their job.

And Bobby just can’t conceive either of them purposefully doing that to them, but they had.

It aches. It aches so much that they would betray them all like this. That they would lie and risk it all, just so they could work together. That they did not endanger themselves, but the entire 118, as well as the LAFD as a whole if there was to be a lawsuit against their conduct.

However, Bobby can’t deny that a part of him doesn’t even care. He doesn’t care that Buck and Eddie lied, because anyone can say that he lied too about his own past, which also came to bite them in the ass after that robbery. And he is also still him. This doesn’t have to mean anything.

Deep down, he still believes that the Buck and Eddie he knows exists under that deceit. That Eddie wasn’t lying when he said they never meant for it to get this far. That they are just two young men, who made a mistake because they didn’t know better.

And he especially wants to believe that when he looks at Buck’s head shot. The very same head shot that, if circumstance had been different, would have become a permanent feature on the wall of the LAFD, since he would have died in the line of duty.

If that had happened, none of this would have mattered to Bobby. If something goes wrong now in Buck’s recovery, none of this matters to Bobby. He doesn’t care about the lies, he just wants Buck to be okay, he just wants Buck to be alive. To have him in his life.

God, so much has been left unsaid between them. Bobby adores that kid, has taken him under his wing and admittedly become more than a mentor to him. But it was always left unspoken. Bobby couldn’t handle acknowledging having that kind of relationship with anyone and Buck…

Well, Bobby doesn’t know what Buck was thinking. If he ever felt the same, or if he always let Bobby think he did, so Bobby would turn a blind eye to his behavior as he has always done. Perhaps more than he should have.

The thought of that being the case, hurts more than any other part of this card house of lies that has just collapsed around them. And Bobby doesn’t want to believe it’s true. He doesn’t think it’s true.

But the uncertainty haunts him and he once more longs to have just one conversation with Buck. Gauge where his head is at and if he can still recognize the kid he used to know now that the jig is up. If that relationship is still there.

He sighs again and pinches his brow. He has a headache and his hands itch for a drink. Maybe he should go to a meeting, but the thought of going makes him want to bash his head in.

Before he can force himself to do anything, his phone buzzes. He thought he’d had it on silence, but he can never figure it all out. And a part of him hopes it’s Buck, even if needing to ignore him would hurt, because then at least he’d know he was alive.

Instead it’s Athena. The text is short, but to the point, simply reading: Don’t sulk. Come home.

An aching fondness goes through him at the message. She knows him so well and he loves her so much for that. God, he is grateful to have her in his life. He never thought he’d deserve someone like her, that he’d even deserve to live, let alone enjoy his time there, but Athena makes him feel worthy of it all. He gladly goes home to her. She can probably help him untangle the mess in his head.

So, he leaves his dark and quiet office behind, the two files still open on his table, abandoned, as he goes home.

Athena is waiting in the kitchen for him when he comes home, a steaming mug of tea ready for him on the counter, which he takes with a silent, grateful smile. She just studies him as he does, face unchanging; stern but not unkind. It feels like care and concern to him.

After a few beats, she takes a sip of her own, before asking: “How did the meeting go?”

“Good? I think. Or bad, if you want to look at it like that,” Bobby answers. Athena quirks a brow at him, so he explains: “I got my job back. They are investigating Buck and Eddie, instead of just firing them. So that is all good.”

“Hm.” Athena considers that, then asks: “So why is it bad?”

“We’re not allowed to talk to them while the investigation is ongoing,” Bobby tells her. “Any sign of it and it will be taken as us coordinating or interfering.” His chin spasms and his voice sounds weird to his own ears as he adds: “We can’t go to the hospital.”

“Oh, baby,” Athena coos sympathetically, putting down her mug so she can pull him into a hug.

He goes willingly, burying his head into her shoulder as the tears finally catch up with him and he trembles out his cries. If asked, he couldn’t say what exactly he’s crying about, but there is this deep sadness in his bones and he is glad for the relief.

All throughout, Athena just holds him, slowly rocking them back and forth and making soothing noises as she cards a hand through his hair. She is his rock, just as she’s always been and the familiarity of it all grounds him.

When he is done crying, he clears his throat and steps back, wiping away the tears as he sends her a watery smile: “Thank you.”

“Of course,” she smiles back. “Feeling a bit better now?”

“I am,” he tells her, because he does. For a long time, he didn’t allow himself to feel anything at all, but ever since he’s been letting people in, he’s been allowing himself to cry again. To feel the bad and the good together. And crying is better for him than that notebook had ever been.

“Good,” Athena says. “Here, why don’t we go sit on the couch and you tell me what’s going on in that head of yours.”

Once seated on the couch, Bobby sighs again, then – as if admitting a secret – he says: “I regret telling the brass about them.”

Athena’s face doesn’t even change at the admission, she just nods as she considers his words. “And why is that?” she asks.

Bobby looks up at the ceiling now too, sagging back into the couch as he thinks on how to organize his thoughts, before he answers: “If I had never told, they might not have found out and I could be in Buck’s hospital room right now, making sure he’s okay. We could have just all kept it secret.”

Now Athena’s face does change. It softens into something gentle, as if she has been handed something that needs to be handled with care. “Bobby…”

“I know,” he says. “I know this was the best option in the long run and I know I should be mad at both of them for that stunt they pulled, but I can’t bring myself to. I just want to make sure they’re okay.” Then softly he adds: “I just want to make sure they’re still them.”

“Yeah…” Athena sighs, “that I understand. What the Hell were those boys thinking?”

“I honestly have no clue,” Bobby says. “I’ve been trying to think of an explanation all day, but I can’t. The Buck and Eddie I know, would not have done that.”

“And that makes you worry about the Buck and Eddie we know now,” Athena fills in, being able to know what he thinks without him having to say it.

He nods. It’s weird, but comforting to be known like that, and he can’t help but wonder if Buck and Eddie know each other like that too.

They sit in the silence for a moment, before Athena’s hand curls around his upper arm, her head coming to rest on his shoulder as she lets out a deep breath. “You did the right thing.”

“Did I?”

She looks up at him then sternly says: “Yes, Bobby Nash, you did. Those two idiots did something stupid and I am willing to believe that they didn’t do it on purpose, but it was still stupid. Very stupid. You made sure it wouldn’t ruin their lives too. That is a good thing.”

“Maybe,” Bobby sighs, wanting to believe her, but still doubting himself.

“No maybe.” She squeezes his arm. “When the dust settles, we’ll go check on them and make sure they’re still the idiots we know. There is nothing for us to do but wait.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Bobby agrees, because he knows she is, even when he doesn’t like it. He hates the waiting. That limbo between the Before and the After when something big happens. That nebulous uncertain period wherein it is still unclear how much impact it will have and nothing you can do will have a meaningful impact. That purgatory.

Yet, there is nothing to do but wait.

It takes a week before their house is back online again and Bobby can admit he isolates himself during that week. He stays inside, finds himself at his windows, staring out over the yard, or wearing holes in their floors as he paces. Doesn’t check his phone, because he knows Buck’s contact will still be there. No messages to go with it.

None of them have any idea how Buck is doing. The only thing Bobby knows, that if Buck dies of unexpected circumstances, he’d probably be informed, because that will negate most of the ongoing investigation.

However, all had been there for the prognosis and all know it had been bad. Buck could be in a coma right now, or undergoing that amputation regardless. He could have an infection or a bad reaction to his medication. He could be slowly fading and none of them would know until it is too late.

That knowledge gnaws on him and he once again finds himself regretting ever telling the brass. He knows Athena is right and it’s the right move. Logically he knows that. But God be damned, logic can fuck off, because he just wants to be there right now.

When he returns to work after that week, it doesn’t get much better. That first shift back is weird for everyone, as the gaping hole where Buck and Eddie used to be, is glaringly obvious. They all sit around the table eating, none of them commenting how quiet it is without Buck’s rambles and Eddie’s chime ins or the bickering that will start up from time to time.

Bobby isn’t sure where the others are at, but it’s eating at all of them, even if none of them speak a word about it.

Their floater, Darryl, seems to be oblivious to it. He keeps trying to start conversations with everyone, not picking up that no one is in the mood. It’s a less charismatic version of Buck’s conversation making and it only serves as a way to piss Bobby off.

At the end of it, all decline Darryl’s invite for a drink. They’re all drained after that shift and all want to go home, instead of being with a fractured version of what they all know.

It’s not until their third shift back, that they talk about it. It’s 1:00 AM, but none of them – bar, Darryl, a welcome relief – can sleep and they all find themselves sitting on the roof in the stillness of the night instead.

Hen is the one to break the silence, asking: “Did you two also get a summons for an interview from the brass? About Buck and Eddie.”

Bobby nods. He’d gotten the letter this morning and had been trying not to think about it ever since. He has no clue what they might be asking, what the angle might be. No way to prepare. No way to know where Buck and Eddie might be. The only good thing he can see is that it might get them some knowledge on how either is doing.

Chimney clearly thinks differently, since he scoffs: “Yeah, I got it. Not sure why they’d even want to interview us. It’s not like we know anything, they made sure of that.”

“Come on, Chim. You know it’s because they want to know if we ever knew,” Hen says gently, lightly knocking her leg against his as she does. “They’re probably assessing if there was a safety risk in letting them work together and if they prioritized each other. They have to have some kind of frame of reference in case we they ever get sued. You know this.”

And they all know Chimney knows this too. They all do. They’re all too familiar with what this might mean. What the actions of Buck and Eddie might mean.

Married firefighters can work together, sure, but it’s not an easy sign off to just get. If someone dies on your watch, LAFD has to prove the rescue was impossible and not just stopped, because someone was scared to lose their spouse and didn’t want them to take the risk.

Working as a firefighter means putting your life on the line and you need to be okay with potentially losing your spouse to one of the accidents you get called to, if you want to work together. You need to be able to send your other half into danger, regardless of emotional loss it could bring.

It’s why they never would have signed off on Buck and Eddie working together. Having a firefighter in their probationary year working with their spouse is too big a potential hazard to just allow. Not only does one firefighter not have a record to help weigh in the making the decision, but they often don’t have real life experience in working in life or death situations.

The probationary year is to see if you’re cut out for this kind of work when it’s no longer for practice as well to teach you the ropes. Sure, you have your training at the academy, but just like driving; you don’t start learning until you start doing.

Your probationary year is to train instinct. With your spouse there, what instinct will you train? Will you look towards you spouse first, instead of your Captain? Will you overestimate danger when it’s them there? Do you dare less, because the reminder is there? It’s a whole mess that the LAFD would rather not burn their hands on, thus no spouse or other romantic partner in your probationary year.

None of them how much Buck and Eddie knew when they decided to break those rules. If they always knew of the technicality they might exempt themselves with, or if they just did it regardless. All they know is that Eddie – and Buck – on some level knew that this could jeopardize all their jobs, and they did it anyway.

So, despite their own feelings, they can’t fully blame Chimney for crossing his arms as he scowls: “And why would we help them?”

Bobby doesn’t respond. He doesn’t judge Chimney for his anger, for the hurt and the confusion as to how this could have happened. However, it doesn’t feel right to hold that hurt for himself. To condemn Buck and Eddie for this.

It is his fault that bomb went off and Buck got caught in the crossfire. If that had never happened, Eddie would have likely completed his probationary year without anyone ever knowing and they might have come to him with it, in too deep and wanting to get out. He maybe would have been able to do more for them, like he wants to do now. But they will never know.

Because he does want to believe it was what Eddie said, that they got in too deep. If there is anyone, who knows about unintended yet devastating consequences, it is him. And if he deserves a second chance after all he’s caused, don’t they?

Hen on the other hand shrugs and says: “Because we help people and Buck and Eddie are still our friends.”

“Really? They’re still our friends after they pulled this shit?” Chimney exclaims. “You aren’t mad? Like at all? They lied to us. All of us. If we had known, we’d be in the shit right there with them and they don’t care.”

“Yeah, we would have been, but they didn’t pull us in. They didn’t make us complicit. They tried to risk nothing but their own jobs,” Hen argues.

“They didn’t pull us in! They didn’t pull us in?” Chimney practically shrieks. “Maddie’s been in my apartment crying her eyes out for the past week and a half, because Buck never wanted her in his life and you two are just okay with that?”

“Of course I’m not okay with that. I hate that she’s hurting the way he is, but I can be worried for more people. Don’t you want to know how Buck is doing? He’s had a firetruck fall on him for fucks’s sake, Chimney, you saw him that ambulance. Don’t you at least want to check on him?” Hen replies.

It seems Hen’s thoughts have been closer to Bobby’s own; tearing herself apart with what ifs that have very little to do with what the investigation will find.

That quiets Chimney and he hunches in on himself as he stares at the ground. He stubbornly doesn’t admit to Hen that she is a little bit right, instead asking Bobby: “And what about you, Cap? You also in team help them?”

“Yes, I am,” Bobby answers honestly. “Of course I’m also hurt and confused why they would do it and I have no idea what to think about the whole thing. But yeah, I am going to aid the investigation the best I can. We can be honest. We didn’t know anything and that is the truth.”

“And we can demand answers once this is all behind us?” Hen fills in a blank Bobby didn’t leave.

He doesn’t expect answers, he can’t, but if they want to, then he won’t stop them. Unlike him, they earned the right to ask. So he merely hums noncommittally.

“I’m not sure I want answers from them,” Chimney scowls. “I don’t know these people at all anymore and I’m not sure I want to.”

None of them reply to that, because what is there to say? They can’t say Chimney is wrong. Even if it wasn’t all an act, they’ve still been lied to from the very start and they can’t trust that the people they know, are the people they’ve worked with.

Instead a heavy silence falls over all of them as they sit with that reality.

Before any of them can start up the conversation, Darryl comes stumbling in, happily greeting them as he exclaims: “Ah, there you all are.” No one is in the mood to talk to him then and all are glad when the alarm rings a moment later.

The whole thing is causing the team to be unbalanced and Darryl isn’t that great a fit in the whole thing either, pulling them even more from their axis. At the end of the week, Darryl gets transferred and their last shift together before a new floater shows up is more low key.

B shift knows what’s been happening, so Martinez keeps his head down and just works quietly alongside the rest. It’s the best shift they’ve worked since the explosion and at the end, Chimney says: “Anyone wanna go sit at the beach and stare into the ocean?”

It’s practically the first non work thing they’ve all said and Hen snorts at the offer, before she smiles: “Sure, I can use the fresh air.”

Together they turn to Bobby, looking at him expectantly. A part of him wants to refuse. He came close to these people and it only got Buck hurt, he probably shouldn’t risk it.

However, if he goes down that road, he’ll lose it all over again and selfishly, he doesn’t want that. His relationship with Buck is getting further and further out of reach with every passing day and he wants to cling to what he still has. He can’t lose everything again. He can’t.

So, selfishly, he says: “Why not.”

Hen and Chimney get fries at the beach, but Bobby still hasn’t gotten used to the seagulls and prefers not to take his chances. They’re all still in uniform, no towels, just straight up sitting on the sand. It’s afternoon in the middle of the week, so the beach is practically abandoned.

As he watches out over the ocean, Bobby remembers nearly dying in a plane with Buck right there on that very same beach. Back then Buck refused to let him or that mom die, despite his own life that was at stake, the family he would leave behind. Bobby almost can’t imagine that being an act.

The Buck he knows is selfless, hardworking. Sure, he’s impulsive and a little reckless and sometimes more of a kid than useful, but he has a heart of gold.

God knows Buck has made mistakes, Bobby has seen them himself. However, mistakes do not make a person, that lesson has been forced on Bobby, even if he struggles to accept it sometimes. It’s easier, though, when it’s about Buck.

Buck isn’t his mistakes. He is more than that. He is bright, he is loud, he is big movements and broad grins. Buck made Bobby remember what it is like to be a person again. And now he is hurting and far away from Bobby, slipping through his fingers as so much already has.

Right there in the sea, Bobby set his first step towards becoming who he is now. The only reason he ever could, was because he made it out alive. Because Buck refused to leave him behind.

Bobby should be with him right now. He should be bringing him food, taking him to doctor appointments, helping keep the house clean. Bobby never should have abandoned him. Never should have informed the brass. He could have come up with something. He’s sure he could have. It’s a useless thing to ponder, but regret haunts him regardless.

Before it can consume him more, Chimney breaks their pensive silence. “Why do you guys think they did it? You know, lie, I mean.”

“I honestly have no clue,” Hen sighs. “Eddie said they did it so they could work together.”

“Yeah, but Eddie is a liar,” Chimney says.

“Eddie told one lie that we know off,” Hen points out.

Chimney scoffs: “Yeah, a pretty big one, comprising of multiple little ones.”

“That’s fair,” Hen nods.

“I don’t think he was lying about that part though,” Bobby finally also speaks up. He isn’t sure if they should speculate, but there isn’t much else to do.

“You don’t?” Chimney asks curiously and a little disbelieving.

“I don’t,” Bobby confirms, meeting his eye. “If there is one thing I know, it’s that Buck and Eddie are friends and that Buck is impulsive. I don’t find it hard to believe that they wanted to work together and this thought popped into their heads and Buck wanted to commit to it. And when they finally realized what it meant, it was too late.”

“So you think Eddie was telling the truth when he explained?” Hen asks.

“I do.”

“Maybe…” Chimney considers his words. “I mean, if anyone’s idiotic enough to think this would work, it’s Buck.”

“More surprising he got Eddie to go along with it,” Hen snorts and there is a reprieve as they all share a small moment of laughter, before falling quiet again.

Then Chimney says: “But if they came up with it then, why did Buck lie during his probie year? That makes it so much more planned.”

“Yeah… it does, doesn’t it,” Hen agrees as they all think.

It’s the one thing that makes it hard to believe it was an accident. Buck worked with them for a year and never once mentioned his family. His family. Buck had been a father and husband the whole time, however convenient it may be, and he never once mentioned it.

He never mentioned it. Any of it. And that hurts so much, Bobby tries not to look at it directly, tries not to think about it. Tries not to play connect the dots with all that might mean for him.

Fortunately, he doesn’t have to now either, because Hen continues on again after a moment of thoughtful silence. “Maybe he was scared? You know the name firefighter culture has and how working under Gerrard was like. Maybe he wanted to test the waters before saying, then came up with this plan, so he never did?”

She sounds like she doesn’t believe it as she says it and Chimney easily pokes a hole in it: “Testing the waters for a whole year? He would have known better than that after a few shifts, he wouldn’t have needed a year.”

“You’re right…” Hen grimaces, as if she wishes Chimney was wrong, but can’t deny it.

The idea of Buck feeling unsafe with them for a whole year sends a chill through Bobby and he wants to ask Buck if that’s the case. He is once more uncomfortably reminded of the fact that he can’t. So instead he tries to look for another explanation. One that is less painful.

In the end, he says: “He never mentioned Maddie either.” It’s not something that shows Buck trusted them and felt safe, but just another secret he kept. However, none of them have ever blamed him for keeping that one and it might tell them more about his silence on his family in general.

“Huh, I guess he didn’t,” Hen agrees, surprised at the realization. She turns to Chimney asking: “Do you know why he didn’t?”

“I don’t know if Maddie knows he did. She never mentioned it,” Chimney answers. “I always kind of figured it was because they weren’t in contact, you know. I know Buck send her cards, but she didn’t respond for a while.”

“He send her cards?” Hen frowns. “But Maddie didn’t know he and Eddie were married either.”

“No, he’s been lying about it all for a long time,” Chimney says, anger rearing it’s head again after the reminder.

To prevent the flame from being fanned, Bobby angles it differently: “Maybe it’s Buck, who is the more private person and he doesn’t like talking about family with anyone.”

“Buck? Private?” Hen says, rightfully disbelieving.

“Yeah, that idiot overshares like it’s his business. I almost can’t believe he lied to all of us this long and well with how bad he is at keeping anything to himself,” Chimney snorts harshly.

“Does he though?” Bobby asks. “Does he overshare?”

“Cap, I know too much about his sex life for him to be an under-sharer,” Chimney deadpans as next to him Hen nods.

“I mean other than sex,” Bobby says, because yeah, Buck does share too much about his sex life for Bobby to have ever wanted to know, but other than that… Well, maybe his observation isn’t too far off and it makes him cherish the bits of emotional closeness they’ve had all the more.

Neither have answered, so he prods further: “When you think about it, what do we know of him? What are the names of his parents? Do he and Maddie have more siblings? What work did he do before this? Did he play sports in school? Did he go to college and drop out? Or does he have a degree?”

As he speaks, it sinks in for all of them that they have no answers to any of these questions. Hell, none of them had even questioned it when neither Maddie nor Eddie called Buck’s parents while he was in surgery.

“I don’t think you’re helping his case,” Chimney informs him. “He’s just a chronic liar now.”

“No, he’s a chronic secret keeper,” Bobby corrects. “You asked why he might lie that first year, this might be why. He might not have lied as much as wanted to keep this secret. And that made it work out when he and Eddie came up with that stupid plan of theirs.”

“Ugh, I hate this!” Chimney exclaims. “It’s like I don’t know anything anymore. Nothing makes sense. I know them, or I think I do, but I’ve also been working with strangers. Aren’t you guys getting fucked over by this?”

“Oh no, I am,” Hen says. “It’s a mind fuck, that’s for sure. But people can’t fake a personality for this long. Not without putting bits of yourself in it. I can’t imagine every little thing ever was a lie. At the core, they’re still Buck and Eddie.”

“Are they?”

“Yes, Chim, they are,” Hen gives him a look. “Don’t you think Maddie would have said something if Buck had done a complete 180? And we’ve met Chris, he would be weirded out if his dads just randomly started acting differently. No, they were in there. We know them.”

Bobby nods in agreement. “Hen is right. We might not know everything that lead them here, but we still know them. I want to believe that. That the people who have had my back, are the people I know. That they didn’t mean for it to work out like this and it just happened.”

“I guess…” Chimney says, still slightly apprehensive, which Bobby doesn’t blame him for. It sometimes feels more like a mantra than a truth.

“We’ll just get through those interviews and then we’ll see,” Hen finally decides for all of them, bumping into both their shoulders, before looking out over the sea again.

The interviews aren’t great.

A part of Bobby had hoped to see Buck and Eddie there, however there is no sign of either of them. It doesn’t fill him with much hope about where Buck might be and the guilt stabs him through the core. He should be with him, not here.

However, the employee who is conducting the interview cares very little about that. Instead, she asks question after question about what he knows about how Buck and Eddie know each other and the nature of their relationship.

Bobby has to disappoint her over and over again with his lack of knowledge. Though, privately he can admit he lies from time to time. She doesn’t have to know that he thought some of their conversations were flirtatious and he’s pretty sure Buck admitted to being in love with Eddie to him when trying to get advice with what he now recognizes to be his in-laws.

Every time she asks, he just keeps repeating that he didn’t know until the hospital room, that he never suspected, that they never acted out of line and that he has had no issue with them. As far as Bobby is concerned, the two are good friends, who have a solid grip on keeping their private and professional life separate.

She focuses in on Eddie and he tries to tell her all he knows. To him, Eddie is professional to the core, cool in the face of anything and unafraid to rush in if that’s what it takes.

He recounts him rushing into the burning house during the CAD shutdown to save Alex. How he barely send a glance to Buck, who had been on the broken ladder and focused on the patient instead without any regard for his own safety. How Buck had wanted to be back up, but only when it seemed necessary and how he easily bend when Bobby ordered retreat.

Reminds her of the footage they’ve all seen of the bombing that hurt Buck so severely and brought this all to light. How Eddie stayed down until it was clear and didn’t stop being nothing but professional until they had stabilized Buck for transport. How it was never more than family, not spousal.

Eddie is a good firefighter. A good medic. A good man. He is in this line of work for the right reasons; he wants to help. And he will fight for his patients.

Tells her of that first shift with Eddie aboard. How even intimidated by being the new guy, Eddie didn’t let it phase him and was willing to think on the fly and use his knowledge to do what is best, even if that meant arguing with his husband and stepping out of textbook after running it by Bobby.

When he finishes, he says: “Eddie is one of the best people I’ve worked with. If I could have him back on my crew, I would in a heartbeat. Both of them. They’re a great team in the field. They’re reliable and good at what they do.”

With that he is seen out, no further information given. All he can gleam about the situation is that neither is fully ousted yet from the LAFD, so they might get them back and that they’re still investigating this as if there is a possibility that Buck will return to work. He takes all the comfort he can get out of that.

However, Eddie doesn’t return to replace Darryl, instead a young woman named Kirsten, who is fresh out of the Academy.

Bobby doesn’t like it one bit. However, he contents himself with the knowledge that she is another floater, that soon this investigation will be over and at least Eddie will return back to work again and hopefully Buck will follow after he has recovered. That there would have been floaters regardless, since Buck is still injured.

Besides, Kirsten doesn’t last more than a few shifts anyway, since she faints at the sight of her first open fracture and decides that this might not be for her.

Kirsten is replaced by Liam, not Eddie. In fact, Eddie appears to not return to the 118 at all, because Chimney comes into work that shift and takes the bolt cutters to open his locker and empty it. When Bobby sees him doing it, he asks: “What are you doing?”

“Uh, getting Eddie’s stuff,” Chimney answers, almost looking caught.

“I can see that. Why?” Bobby demands.

Chimney bites his lip, then looks away, before he answers: “Maddie asked me to get it for him. She went to visit – Buck seemed to be doing okay and they talked it out, so she’s calmed down a bit – and, uh, Eddie’s transferring to the 136.”

“Oh…” Bobby isn’t sure what to ask first. Where to begin. He wants to know all Maddie told him, wants to know what he means with doing okay, what they talked out exactly. Everything. Knowledge on all he’s wanted to know is right in his reach, but all his brain can focus on is that Eddie is transferring.

Eddie is not coming back to the 118.

Across from him, Chimney babbles: “Yeah, they’ve been going on half pay, you know with being injured, Maddie said they’re glad he gets to return. She’s gonna help out here and there, she said, you know, with Chris and everything. She was kind of in a rush, because she’s doing groceries for them, so I didn’t get more from her, but I figured you’d be ok with us helping out, right?” yet all the words merely wash over him without sticking.

The why of the transfer escapes him and he cannot ask. None of them have gotten the clear yet to talk to them and as far as they know the investigation is still ongoing. It should be a good thing. Eddie can at least work again, even if it is not here. That is a good sign.

However, the only thing Bobby keeps thinking is that Eddie can work anywhere now. He told the LAFD brass he’d love to have Eddie back. What if they offered him and he declined? What if he never wants to come back? What if he takes Buck with him? What if they never want to speak to any of them when this is all behind them?

If they do, Bobby can’t blame them. They need people in their corner, to help with Buck’s recovery and limits, and the only thing they did was get them all in trouble and disappear.

God, he never should have informed the brass. He never should have done any of it. Bobby had social credit after his televised actions with the bomber – even if it feels undeserved since he is the one that caused it – he could have used that to pressure the brass. He could have taken a forced retirement if that what it took, claimed he failed to report after Buck and Eddie informed him, taken the blame and fall instead. Not this.

He has been struggling with missing Buck and Eddie for the sake of the investigation. Of not knowing how they are and not being able to be there for them while they need it, even if it’s to help them, to aid the investigation and not meddle, so that they can come back.

But it had always been in his mind a temporary thing, something that would last until they could come back. He’d just have to hold out. The possibility of that never happening has now opened up before him and it’s sending him for a tailspin.

Bobby doesn’t show it to Chimney, just nodding at him to continue then, before mechanically walking away and shutting himself in his office.

The rest of the shift isn’t great. Liam has proven himself to be highly incompetent and it’s a struggle to not have two good firefighters to send up the ladders at the bigger calls. It only reminds Bobby of the way in which Buck and Eddie have been cut out of his life. He’s snappish and he knows it.

Chimney and Hen don’t comment and he sees Hen clap a hand over Liam’s mouth when he goes to comment on it. He feels bad about it, but he can’t stop his mood. He needs to do something, anything, to make the thoughts stop, but nothing works.

He clocks out without speaking to anyone and beelines for an AA meeting. He needs to speak with Randall, before he does anything he can’t take back. Before he does yet another thing he’ll regret.

Randall already knows most of what went down, the guilt he carries for causing that explosion in the first place, the blame he puts on himself for starting this investigation, the remorse at not being there for the people he considers family, the shame at forgiving and not caring, even though he should.

But Randall is not at the meeting. Which is fine. Bobby is fine. Being there gives him enough of a pause before he barrels on straight to the address on the paperwork he has now memorized.

Bobby can’t show up at their house. Not only might he not be welcome – a hurt he can’t bear to carry right now – but it could also ruin everything. He already messed up by reporting them, he can’t ruin it all more by breaking their contact ban. He has to hold out hope that is the reason. That they will return. That he didn’t irreparably break his family. Again.

Still, his hands feel stained when he leaves that meeting without having said a word. Bobby was never meant to hold a family with those hands.

His father died on his watch, as did his wife and kids. He killed all of them. He carries that responsibility heavily on his shoulders. Just like he caused the explosion that created a rift between him and Buck, that created this lack of balance at the 118. All he has that has remained the same is Athena.

She is his rock and his pillar and he knows he doesn’t deserve her, but by God does he want to keep her close and hold her in his heart. Wants to accept the love she grants him and feel absolved of all his sins in her presence.

Bobby is a selfish man with many regrets, but he can’t make himself regret selfishly letting her in. Letting her bring him into the light so he could feel the warmth of the sun he had forgotten. Can’t regret letting her lift him out of the pit he had found himself in. Her giving him a second chance, even if he thinks he doesn’t deserve it, because she benevolently gave it to him anyway. It has always been her choice to do that and Bobby just surrendered himself to her.

Even now, after all the damage he’s causing around him, the people he’s driving away, the hurt he is inflicting on those he considers family, she is still right next to him.

He comes home looking hollow as he often does and he is struck once more of how little he deserves her as he sees her sitting there, flipping through a book on the couch, looking up at the sound of the door and smiling when she sees him. It morphs into something sympathetic when she sees him and her voice is gentle when she asks: “Rough day?”

Wordlessly he nods, falling on the couch and burrowing his head in her lap as he hides from the world around him.

Everything feels so fragile, everything is constantly changing, collapsing around him and slipping through his fingers. It’s like he’s in an earthquake that never stops. He wants it to stop. He wants to have a haven in the chaos. One that is solid and won’t leave.

Athena is that haven. There hidden away in her lap, the world stands still for a moment and he feels safe. Stable.

He can’t lose her too.

That thought cuts loudly through the chaos, shining clearly in his brain. It overrides everything else until it’s all that exists. And a thought comes to him. An impulsive and maybe stupid thought, but one that feels right. That feels like it would make everything better. He wants to hold her forever. And he can.

Suddenly he sits up and looks at her, while she looks right back at him, surprise in his eyes. He sounds almost manic as he asks: “What are you doing today?”

Athena blinks for a moment, clearly not expecting the question. However, she answers regardless: “Oh, let’s see, laundry, grocery shopping, the usual.”

“What if we get married instead?” Bobby suggests.

“Whoa,” Athena says, which is as good as a no with the way she says it.

Bobby isn’t deterred, instead trying to convince her by going: “Go to the courthouse, get our license, say our vows, just do it. ‘You, me and the kids,’ that’s all you said you needed. And we have that now, today. And if there’s one thing you and I know, it’s that today is the only thing you can be sure of. So let’s not waste another moment waiting.”

“And this doesn’t have anything to do with whatever happened today?” she asks suspiciously.

“It has everything to do with today,” he says honestly, because he wouldn’t lie. Not to her. “Everything feels so uncertain, but you- You are my everything, Athena. I want to hold you close and never let you go. I want to have us. And I don’t know if tomorrow something will happen that can take that from me. I just want to have you while I still can.”

She studies him critically and he holds his breath as she does. He doesn’t know what she’s looking, but after a few moments, she hums; a yes.

“Alright,” Bobby can feel himself light up at her agreement, “I’ll change, uh, we’ll- we’ll get the kids from school. I know you don’t have a dress, but-”

“No,” she cuts him off. “I have a dress.” They smile at each other.

Afterwards, it feels almost like time blurs. Bobby barely feels like the one in control of his body as he drives to his apartment he barely spends time in anymore as he takes out a suit he picked out, before joining Athena at the courthouse, where she has arrived with Harry and May.

It’s not until he sees them standing there that reality filters back in again. He has a family. Sure, he might not be Harry or May’s dad, but he is part of their family and they love him. They’ve trusted him to hold them with those hands of his, knowing who he is. That means the world to him.

For the first time since realizing who the bomber is and what his plan might, Bobby feels genuinely happy to be alive and have the life he has.

His feet carry him to them, hugging them all closely. May laughs as he does, squeezing her eyes shut with a bright smile as she hugs back, while Harry whines embarrassed, though it doesn’t prevent him from also returning the embrace.

Athena smiles too, kissing both his cheeks and cupping his cheeks in her hands for a moment as she gazes him in the eye, before letting go and stepping back so they can enter the building.

Marrying Athena is something Bobby will never regret. Some days, he knows he will carry the guilt of letting her believe he is a good man, someone worthy of her love, but he will never regret it. Standing there at the altar with her, is the happiest he’s been since that fire in Minnesota. And nothing, not even his own head, can take that from him. Only God can part them now and he prays it will be a long time before that happens.

Yet there is a pang of regret after he’s pulled away from the kiss that sealed their union, after he’s smiled at her and after they’ve been rushed to by Harry and May for another big hug.

‘You, me and the kids.’

That’s all that Athena needed and all Bobby has wanted to give her. And they have that. However, a part of him can’t help but feel one of the kids is missing.

Despite denying it for as long as he’s known Buck, he can now acknowledge that a part of him does see him as a son. Buck had been looking to fill a hole and Bobby had filled it and he can admit that a part of him had also been searching for someone to fill a void inside him.

Harry and May should fill that void, but they still have a father. Buck does too, technically, but from what Bobby has witnessed the man that is supposed to parent Buck hasn’t. Athena brought Harry and May into their marriage and Bobby was supposed to bring in Buck.

But Buck isn’t here.

Bobby’s side of the family isn’t here.

He never thought he’d marry again after the fire, never thought he’d live again, never thought he deserved to have a family. Yet here he is and he has a family. He has a life. He is marrying someone he loves so, so much. And still pieces are missing, because he broke them.

He can never forget that his actions lead to the bombing that created the situation he’s in now. That is it him, who is responsible for the situation he now finds himself in. That he created this rift between him and Buck that might never be mended again. His family would never again be complete, but it is his hands that make it fracture more over and over again.

If he didn’t keep making mistakes over and over again, Buck could have been there. He could have invited him to this impromptu wedding and the family would have been complete.

But…

But it wouldn’t have been complete, wouldn’t it?

Had Bobby been able to invite Buck, he would have invited Buck and Buck alone. Eddie wouldn’t have been there and Christopher wouldn’t have been either. Buck’s family, wouldn’t have been there.

It’s the exact thing he’s been trying to avoid thinking about, but here, in this happy moment, it intrudes regardless.

The whole time Bobby has known him, Buck has had a family. Sure, Eddie said their marriage is just platonic and Bobby believes him, but Buck is Christopher’s father, that is also a fact. A cool uncle or long term babysitter doesn’t elicit the response they saw in that waiting room.

Buck is a dad. He has a son. Bobby made him work on Halloween, despite Buck and Eddie asking to switch. He had assumed Buck would be more likely to go into danger without checking or offering him an out, because Buck had as many people to come home to as Bobby had.

He almost gave his life to get Bobby and mother out of that plane. Bobby didn’t have the people, who are in his arms now back then. Buck almost sacrificed coming home to his family for someone as undeserving as Bobby.

And Bobby let him.

Bobby didn’t know.

Buck didn’t tell him.

He doesn’t know which of those hurt more, but they all do. Buck is like a son to him. He could have gotten to know Christopher earlier and better than he does now. He loves Buck so much, but he barely knows the child Buck is raising. And now he never might.

Bobby never imagined himself with a wife or kids as he has now, never dreamed for that, let alone anything more. However, he remembers when Brooke and Robert Jr. were young and alive. How he’d image how they might be once they’re older. If they’d find love. If they’d have kids…

They never got to have kids, while he gets to have Harry and May. Gets to try again. And still selfishly regrets not getting to know Christopher like he now wants to. Selfishly regrets informing the brass and not getting to hold Buck close, not getting to know his family and adopt them as his own.

In a way, he might be a bit too young for the title, Bobby wants to know what it is like to be grandfather to someone. To Christopher, specifically.

And he knows he might never. Eddie is going to the 136 and might never come back and Buck might very well follow him after everything Bobby has done to him. Bobby’s family feels incomplete here on his wedding day, however, this might be all his family is. He might have to live off balance like this for the rest of his life.

He knows what it is like to lose a family. But he wishes he would stop relearning the feeling in so many different ways and he sends a prayer up to God that he will never know what it is like to lose the family he is holding in his arms right now, holding them a little tighter as he does.

They go out for dinner to celebrate and Bobby manages to put the feelings away for a moment to enjoy what he has. Greed is not something he should make himself guilty of, especially not on this wedding day that he never deserved to have.

Still, he allows himself a prayer for Buck and Eddie when they say grace. A small plea to God to watch out for the family that couldn’t be there with them today.

In the end, having the wedding might have been the best thing Bobby has done.

With them tying the knot, he is fully moving in and that takes up some of his attention that would otherwise have gone to worrying about Buck. It also changes the atmosphere at work somewhat, making everything feel less heavy and more lighthearted.

When he comes in for his first shift after the union, Hen is leaning on the railings of the loft. She sees him and smiles, before calling down: “Congrats on your marriage! Are we making a theme out of it, because I can convince Karen to secretly renew our vows.”

Chimney comes flying over too, exaggerating a pout as he goes: “I’m so not inviting you to my wedding, as payback! I’ll elope! No, no, wait. I’ll do the opposite. It’ll be elaborate and you will all be forced to be there for all of it. We cannot keep doing this! I refuse. How dare you.”

Bobby can’t help the smile at that. His family might be fractured, but it still exists. You also have a reflection in a broken mirror and Bobby appreciates what he can see in the shards.

“What are we talking about?” Liam asks, also popping up.

All three of them meet eyes, sharing a few looks, before they all crack up. Hen pats him on the shoulder as she chuckles: “A long story that you absolutely do not want to be involved with.” That only confuses him more, but none of them can bring themselves to care.

They have cake at the station, because Chimney got a wedding cake regardless, since he is sulking about not getting any of it at the wedding he wasn’t invited to. Bobby tries to tell him they didn’t have cake at all, but he refuses to listen. Vaguely Bobby wonders what the bakery must have thought at the request to write Congrats on the wedding you didn’t invite us to on a cake.

It’s not perfect. Liam still sucks and Bobby doesn’t understand how anyone can genuinely be that bad at their job. He makes Hen miss Clipboard Buck for restock, it’s that bad. The team is still clearly not functioning, lopsided and awkward. And Bobby still worries himself gray.

However, having Athena every morning gives him comfort, he repents for his guilt in Church, prays for his friends too, and finds strength in the tidbits Chimney gets through Maddie.

Chimney doesn’t have much information. Maddie has been taken by her brand new nephew – and Bobby tries to not feel envious of that – so she’s spending more time with her brother than with Chimney for the time being. And it appears to be a topic they avoid when they’re together. Bobby wants to push Chimney to ask more, but doesn’t feel like it’s his right to do so.

Still, despite the small amount of information, Chimney knows that Buck is healing well, which is all Bobby clings to.

With Maddie making peace with Buck, Chimney has mellowed out in his stance towards Buck and Eddie as well. Instead, the mood around the whole investigation is that they’re (im)patiently waiting for it to be over and hoping they can get past this.

When they’re invited for another round of interviews, Hen nudges Chimney asking: “How are you feeling about the interviews?”

“Nah, I’m feeling better about it. Maddie didn’t tell me a lot, but it apparently a long story that is really not as bad as Eddie made it seem in that waiting room,” Chimney answers. “Besides, she seemed really impressed by Buck’s web of half lies to circumvent his inability to lie and she asked me if Eddie was always so bitchy, so…”

“We can safely assume they’re still our Buck and Eddie,” Hen snorts.

“Yeah,” Chimney laughs.

It’s quiet for a beat, then Hen says: “I feel bad for asking so many questions in the waiting room. Looking back, I don’t think it was very helpful to understanding it all. Eddie wasn’t really in a state to answer anything, was he? I never saw him like that.”

“Me neither,” Chimney agrees. “Can’t blame him though. Like even without it being romantic, they’ve known each other for years and Buck is helping him raise Chris. Of course he’d be a bit of a mess. But we gave him his space, right. We did that. And we didn’t blow up on him too much about lying to us for a year.”

“Fair enough,” Hen nods, before they’re interrupted by Liam calling out that he’s gotten the hose tangled and doesn’t know what to do.

Bobby watches them go and hopes Buck and Eddie will see it that way too. If they’ll be let in again once this is all behind them. He hopes and he prays.

The second round of interviews turns out to be mostly about the conduct of Buck and Eddie out in the field. This time it seems like they looked through more reports regarding the two, so it’s mostly recounting calls they’ve been on and giving their insight into the choices Buck and Eddie made as other firefighters who were there on the ground.

Liam thankfully gets rotated out, but unfortunately his replacement is a complete bigot, so Bobby has to report the guy and he gets removed from their station as well as a formal warning. Which honestly isn’t much, but it’s the best he can do.

Then they get Grace, an older woman, who smokes like it’s nobody’s business and only cares about reaching her retirement. She’s the most peaceful floater they’ve had. If you ignore the smell of smoke, it’s almost like she isn’t there.

She carries them through the last few weeks of this limbo, this purgatory.

The only news from Buck he gets is indirect. Eddie has apparently taken on a lot of overtime and Carla has returned to their life, but Maddie is helping out more too. Buck is working on his recovery, wanting to get his cast off, but with it still on he’s less able to help around the house, so the extra hands are more than welcomed.

Bobby stews in that knowledge. Stews in the fact that he hasn’t driven Buck to any of his appointments, that he didn’t pick up Christopher from school, that he didn’t bring them groceries or cooked for them, that he didn’t look at his schedule with Eddie to make sure he got those extra shifts, but still could be there when he family needed him.

On Sundays, he sits in his pew and asks God for forgiveness for that, promising to do right when he can, if only God grants him that. If only God grants him yet another second chance. How he won’t waste it, won’t make himself regret it again.

He knows that this was the best way, that they’re being cleared by the department and don’t have to work for the rest of their life with this secret hanging over them. He’s asked for another conversation – they don’t call it an interview and it’s just him – and it seems hopeful about their name being cleared.

It’s only semi on the record, with the brass asking him if he, as their Captain, believes that the story they’ve told them is correct and if they work together like friends do, or if he thinks there is more.

When asked, Bobby insists they’re friends, like all of them at the 118, but they act the same with each other as they would Chimney or Hen. And even off the clock, they don’t slip into something Bobby would describe as romantic. They just horse around a bit more than they would while working.

Again, Bobby presses home how good at their jobs both of them are and how professional they are when working. How much proud Bobby has been to be their Captain throughout their probationary years and how gladly he’d have both of them back at his firehouse, at the 118. Same shift.

“They are one of the best partnerships I’ve seen in my career. They would never endanger anyone due to their legal connection, in fact I’d state the opposite is true,” he finishes.

He shakes the hands of the people there and finds himself outside on the streets again. He wonders how much longer this will last, how much more time will have to pass between now and judgment day.

After seven weeks of not seeing or hearing anything from Buck or Eddie, Buck’s cast comes of. Bobby has to hear about it two days after it happens from Chimney, who mentions Maddie drove Buck to the hospital for it. Maddie didn’t text him more than that, so he knows nothing beyond that it’s off and that Maddie seemed positive.

Bobby bugs Chimney just a little bit about pressing Maddie for more details, but Chimney takes it in stride. All know that he’s been off ever since the hospital for different reasons than being lied to. Besides, Chimney is also interested in Buck’s well being and as a medic he wants to know more.

As they’re all hanging around the table, looking over Chimney’s shoulder for a reply, Hen groans: “Ugh, this sucks. We should be checking on him, not waiting for a stupid investigation. They didn’t mean it, it technically break any rules. What do they need all these weeks for?”

“They want to be thorough,” Bobby reminds her gently, feeling the opposite.

“Still, this is getting excessive. I mean, seven weeks?” Chimney says. “I’m going to send Maddie another text. She should be taking a break soon.”

That is something Bobby doesn’t discourage, but Maddie doesn’t respond immediately, which isn’t great. At this point, Bobby is half considering to say screw caution, enough time has passed that Athena going couldn’t be misinterpreted as them conspiring and he needs eyes he can trust on Buck instead of Chimney’s half-baked recount of what Maddie told him.

However, they never have to get a reply from Maddie or send in Athena, because as they’re leaving their shift, they are intercepted by Chief Branson, who smiles as he shakes Bobby’s hand: “Ah, Captain Nash, I am glad I caught you.”

“Chief Branson, it’s good to see you. Are you here on business?” Bobby asks, a small flame of hope lighting up in his chest. Had his prayers been answered?

“I am,” Branson says. “I’ve just spoken to Firefighter Buckley and Diaz, they’ve been cleared of all suspicions and their records cleared. You are all free to contact them again.”

It’s such a simple sentence when you think about it, but it feels like absolution to Bobby. He did the right thing by confessing, he repented, took his punishment of distance and now he is rewarded with this; Buck and Eddie cleared, free to return.

He cannot stop the smile that breaks out as he replies: “I am very relieved to hear that. Do you know anything about Eddie’s placement?”

“He’s been offered his permanent spot back at the 118 after Firefighter Smith returns. He will let us know if he takes it and you’ll be updated on the matter when we know more,” Branson says. “Thank you all for your cooperation. Good day.”

“Yeah, goodbye,” Bobby hears himself saying, voice somewhat faint now.

Eddie didn’t definitively say yes yet. Bobby’s offer has been extended towards him, but he hasn’t made a decision. The answer can still be no.

It’s better than an immediate no, but the possibility of the answer being no washes over him like a bucket of cold water. There are still two people he needs forgiveness from.

His hands reach for his phone before Branson has disappeared from view. He pulls up Buck’s contact easily, before his fingers hover above the screen, unsure where to even begin. Hen and Chimney seem less troubled, texting the groups chat again with congrats on being cleared and questions on how they’re doing, if everything is okay.

The text he ends up sending, is almost too professional for all he wants to convey. He’s never been good at texting or any technology. Bobby has always talked with food. So, he leaves the others and the station behind, getting behind the wheel and driving to the nearest grocery store.

He cannot find the words to apologize for abandoning Buck in his time of need, for not coming up with something else to circumvent the things that happened instead. So, he’ll apologize with food. He’ll make favorites, the things he knows both have requested on the nights they got to pick, and then he’ll show up. Showing up with food is acceptable, right?

Bobby barely pays attention to anything but his cart as he goes through the aisles with the precision of a gravely important tactical mission. Then drives home to get started.

By the time he is halfway through cooking, his phone starts to ring. He’s had the sound on since heading towards the store and every moment that has passed between then and now without any sign of life from either of them weighs on him.

So, when it rings and Buck’s contact flashes over the screen for the first time in what feels like forever, Bobby jumps to pick up, bringing the phone to his ear, before he falters, unsure what to say.

For a moment, the two just breathe. A sign of life that nearly makes Bobby tear up, despite already knowing that Buck was alive and well.

“Uh, Bobby, hey…” Buck finally begins, sounding just about as unsure as Bobby feels.

“Buck…” Bobby breathes out in relief, the name feeling like a prayer on his lips. His boy is okay. He is alive. He is talking to Bobby. He called him. “Are you… are you okay? How’s the leg?” he asks, needing to hear Buck say he’s alright.

“I’ve been okay. Busy and an adjustment, but okay. The leg’s alright. My cast is off now, the doctors are happy about how it healed, hopeful about me working even,” Buck answers and his voice sounds warm, just like Bobby remembered.

“That’s good. That’s good,” Bobby says, swallowing away the tears, as he lets a silence fall. Unsure how to even start with everything that has been left unspoken between them, all the regrets he carries, and all the questions he wants to ask.

“Uh, how are you and ‘Thena? Still planning the wedding?” Buck finally decides to ask, putting them both out of their misery.

Guilt grips at his throat at memory of the small wedding with an empty Buck-shaped hole. A part of him regrets not waiting now, not giving Buck the opportunity to be there. With some shame, he admits: “We had a shotgun wedding at the courthouse. Just us with Harry and May. I don’t think Micheal or Hen and Chimney have forgiven us for skipping on more guests than that. Not to mention Beatrice.”

He hopes that by telling Buck about everyone else that missed it too, it will take the sting out of it a little, but Buck’s voice still sounds weak when he says: “Oh… congratulations.”

“Thank you,” Bobby responds, guilt in his voice, because he wanted nothing more than to share that day with Buck too and his own mistakes lead to that not being impossible. Of course Buck is upset with him, he more than has the right. The fact he hasn’t been angry yet is the only true miracle of this conversation thus far.

“Look, Bobby, I’m sorry,” Buck starts. Of course. God, of course Buck thinks Bobby blames him, thinks that they are the ones, who messed up when it is actually Bobby. “We never meant for it to put any of your jobs in danger. We weren’t thinking and-”

“Hey, hey, stop that,” Bobby has to cut him off.

And his heart breaks at the confused: “Huh?” it elicits.

“We are the ones that are sorry. Buck…” Bobby starts then trails off. How can he even begin to express how sorry he is without burdening Buck more, because he is kind and good and will tell Bobby he shouldn’t be, when he should.

In the end, he continues: “You were hurt and we couldn’t be there. Of course we were shocked and hurt neither of you thought you could share this with us. That you lied. But we wanted to be there for you. All of us. I wanted to come visit you in the hospital, bring you guys dinner while you recovered, shared the load. If I had known how this would turn out, I never would have reported it immediately. Hell, I might not have reported it at all.”

It’s the truth too.

He might have needed to report for the sake of all their jobs, but he’ll forever regret not waiting until Buck was awake, so he could speak to him at least once before that contact ban went in. So, he could have told him to hold on that protocol be damned, Bobby would be there.

By God, Bobby will always be there. He doesn’t have the words to express it and anything he tries to come with to add to it, falls short of all he wants to say.

However, it must be enough for Buck, because he sounds choked up as he says: “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

“Of course, you’re family, Buck. You, Eddie and Chris all are. If there is anything you three need, we’ll be there. No doubt in my mind that Hen and Chim agree.” The words feel like not nearly enough, but they are the words he has.

“Thank you,” Buck repeats, voice thick. He sniffles once, then in the same tone, but more cautious, he says: “If you want… uhm, Eddie got his shield today. Officially one of us. We, uh- we were wondering if you wanted to celebrate with us.” Apologetically he adds: “I know it’s last minute and we still have to get groceries if you can, but-”

“We’ll be there,” Bobby cuts through his spiral, because there is no universe where he won’t be there when Buck asks. “I’ll call the others and we’ll organize food, you just sit back and we’ll be there.” He doesn’t have to ask the address, after these past few weeks, he has it memorized by heart.

“I- I can do that,” Buck says, happily overwhelmed.

“Good. I’ll see you soon, kid.”

Thrilled, he replies: “Yeah, see you soon.”

With a big grin on his face and tears in his eyes, he hangs up, before frantically texting everyone else and turning back to his cooking. It is even more important now that he gets all this ready.

He’s neck deep in dishes when Athena comes in from her shift. She usually doesn’t check her phone much, so she takes one look at the war zone in their kitchen and asks: “What in the world are you doing?”

“Uh,” Bobby looks up, feeling caught, but unable to feel guilty. He explains: “Buck and Eddie got cleared, we’re going to celebrate Eddie getting his shield together. We’re going to see them again. Uh, if- if you want, of course.”

Athena doesn’t skip a beat, rolling up her sleeves and saying: “Alright, what can I do?”

“I love you,” is all Bobby can say for a moment, before gesturing to one of the dishes where she can take over to speed up the process. Having Athena at his back is the greatest gift God could have given him and he is forever grateful. She gets it. She gets him.

He pours as much of his love in the dishes he makes, ensuring that there will be enough food for a week, as if enough left overs will fill the weeks where their fridge was empty of them. As if he can make up for missed time by showing up now.

Bobby doesn’t regret trying to save their livelihood, but he does regret it had to be this way. That it forced him back. That it almost cost him his family again. He can’t have that again.

Coming back has to be Eddie’s choice, but Bobby is trying to ensure that he won’t doubt that he is welcome there. Getting invited for his shield celebration is already more than Bobby had dared to hope for. He will not mess this up.

With an abundance of food they get in the car and drive their way over to a house he has never been before.

It feels almost too weird for words to be at the address he has familiarized himself with. To have it turn into an actual place instead of this reminder that he had been lied to. To have it materialize that Buck and Eddie do have a life together.

That reality has been discussed in great detail already. However, Bobby had mostly talked about the professional side of things. Standing there now on that porch, he is confronted with the domestic life that entails for them.

A family lives in that house.

A family Bobby might be a part of again.

When he doesn’t move to do it, Athena knocks for him. He is glad that she does. That she is willing to take the plunges, the chances he won’t. That she opens the door to this second chance for him once more.

It’s Eddie, who opens the door. He pauses when he sees them, even though Bobby has seen both Hen’s and Chimney’s car already, so it couldn’t have been anyone else. For a moment, they just stare at each other and just like on the phone, he doesn’t know what to say.

“Uh, hi, Cap,” Eddie finally says.

“Eddie,” Bobby greets back, hesitating for a moment, before hugging him as he says: “It is very good to see you. I am so sorry for not being here.”

“It’s alright,” Eddie tells him, sounding a little overwhelmed. “We heard it wasn’t up to you.”

“Still,” is all Bobby says. Then he is granted entry into the house and he leaves Eddie to greet Athena and Harry and May. He is on a mission here.

Coming into the kitchen, everyone is laughing, pausing when he arrives and looking over at the interruption. But it all falls away, Bobby only has eyes for Buck.

Buck.

He looks okay. Healthy. Happy. His foot is still in Chimney’s lap, but the man is just rolling down the pant leg, seeming satisfied with himself.

When Buck spots Bobby, he ducks into himself, an unsure look creeping over his features, as the silence between them stretches. Bobby has to shake himself out of it. For a moment, he’d just gotten lost in taking him in, in ensuring himself that Buck is truly alive and well in front of him and he isn’t a mirage.

However, he is done with that now and he needs to feel it too. So, he wordlessly walks over and pulls Buck into a hug, nearly breaking down when Buck’s arms tentatively wrap around him too, before they tighten.

They hold each other for longer than is socially acceptable, but that’s a thing Bobby will never regret, because Buck is in his arms. Buck is okay. Anything else seems manageable now.

A/N:

I love Buck and Eddie and having everyone fall away suddenly was so shitty, especially because they had no clue as to why, but also holy shit can you imagine being the 118 in that scenario? Hopefully y’all understand why I tried to defend them somewhat in the comments omg.

This whole thing is something that depending on who’s story you get, you go like: ‘wtf is wrong with everyone else’ which is fascinating to me

But also this was a fucking bitch to write, I’m never doing complex emotional conflict ever again! (is lying). Like me vs. Bobby has been truly something, because oh my god, this man is stupid with his fucking guilt complex and regret, like pls stfu lmao (my unnecessary beef with Bobby will live on!)

Also this was my first time truly writing Bobby (and by extension Bathena), so please be kind to me about any iffy parts of characterization, I’m still working out the kinks

BTW just like in the main verse, I’m making up LAFD policy to suit my fancy, so do not take my word as law, but for this fic that’s the policy (if that makes sense)

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