#tw: autistic masking

[thenexusofsouls]

Ramble about an OC muse of your choice!

{i am the caretaker of souls} I'm torn between rambling about an OC I think people might actually be interested in, or going with my first instinct and who came to my mind first, which is a character I've never been able to get much traction with at all on this site, since I first introduced her about nine years ago. I'm... gonna go with the latter. Sorry, everyone, heh. Trigger warnings ahead for some discussion of my own mental health and reasons for creating the character that stemmed from some of my real-life problems.

Alright, I'm gonna ramble about Channe, but... I don't really know what to say. I just feel like i should ramble about her, and that if I had to pick any random OC, not just on this blog but of all time that I've made in my life, it should be her. She was one of the first OCs I made that was really developed beyond just a character sheet for D&D. There was Silence before her (yes, Silence Leaflin, the character I take my pen name and online alias from), Saffron, Eyal, and Anora... all OCs that were created before their stories existed, because of D&D games. What I mean is, these OCs were all created from a random idea or five before I had a story for them written. Later on, my usual way of making OCs was to start writing a book and then just plucking a few of them out of their stories to do various things with them. But I started out making OCs for D&D that then ended up in short stories or books. Channe was the first one to take off in a big way.

I first made Channe around 2005, when the Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe first came out in theaters. I had read the series of books that inspired the Narnia movies a year or two before, and two years prior, in 2003, a movie called Darkness Falls came out. In 2005, I also started running my very first D&D game in person with some friends from my work. I had been playing with most of them since 1999, but I hadn't ever been the DM before. My boss encouraged me to try it, hoping it would help me break out of my shell because I was labeled as quiet, shy, and a wet blanket, heh. He had written fantasy books before and was a master storyteller and game designer, so I felt a lot of pressure to come up with something really cool. Channe was the first character I created, out of literally nothing in my head one day, influences by the two movies I mentioned above, a painting by one of my favorite digital artists, and... my own issues in real life? Heh. Skip the next three paragraphs if you don't want to read about some personal things I'm going to share about myself and my process of making her.

I wouldn't call Channe a self-insert, really, because I didn't feel like I was being myself, and I didn't want her to be me. More accurately, she was my create manifestation of what my "issues" might look like, personified. So I've never been formally diagnosed with autism or ADHD or anything like that, but from a very early age, I've always felt like I was different from other people. I didn't think the same way, didn't function the same way, had trouble being "normal," and had to work really hard at it so that I wouldn't embarrass myself in public.

Long before I ever knew things like autistic masking were a thing, or what it meant, or why it's done, I felt like I was doing it. Again, I've never been formally diagnosed as I can't afford the testing, but that's the closest thing so far to what I feel like I'm doing that I've been able to find. I always felt like I had to wear a social, emotional, and personality mask ever time I left the house, or people might figure out I'm not "normal." There's a lot that contributed to that which I won't get into, but that's how it felt to me. I also have a number of very odd and crippling phobias that seem to have no root or origin story to them, such as being terrified to be videotaped, even if it's just my voice. Some of my phobias are things that I was told must stem from abuse of various kinds, but I was never abused. I had wonderful parents and a wonderful childhood, so I have no idea where these phobias came from. But that led people to not respect them, and to say that I was only behaving a certain way for attention.

Because I didn't feel "normal," I had a chronic illness that often left me in pain and ostracized at school in embarrassing ways, and I had these phobias that seemingly had no root and therefore weren't "real" to most people, I was constantly under a lot of stress, feeling like I had to work a million times harder to fit in with "normal" people when everyone else was just going about life. This left me feeling tired, angry, sad, and frustrated almost every day of my life, but I was just quiet about it. Unfortunately, not much has changed 20 years later. But anyway, because of this, my first instinct was to create a character that was the embodiment of my osbtacles. Not... oh I'm making a freaking dementor-like character that's evil and twisted and- no, heh. What I mean is... if I could show people on the outside how my stresses and traumas felt on the inside, what would that character look like? What would they be like? What would they believe in? What would be their goals? I wanted to take everything that was invisible on the inside that no one respected as real obstacles to overcome in my life, and bring it forth, make it visible, like a dragon or a monster from a child's nightmare made flesh.

And Channe was born, heh.

So she wears a literal mask, because she's disfigured from an attack stemming from mistaken identity. Someone mistook her for someone else and disfigured her. The disfiguring makes it difficult for her to talk (she had to relearn how), it makes her insecure, and she lives with constant physical pain. It was allowed to heal on its own instead of being magically healed, so it can't be fully healed now because there's technically no injury anymore. But the scars remain, and so do the hindrances to her everyday life. But no one knows, because she keeps her disfigurement hidden beneath the mask, and shrouds herself in robes to even hide the rest of herself, because that's how she feels comfortable. So you can kindof see where my 25 year-old self was creating, not really a self-insert, but more like a self metaphor for how I felt moving about in "normal" society.

You might think this would be really personal or nerve-racking for me to create a character like this and then throw her at a bunch of people in a game, heh, but it wasn't. Because people don't know the half of what's going on with me, I hide a lot, I mask a lot, I'm good at faking it. Even for presentations in grad school I was terrified for, where my hands were shaking and I felt like I was going to pass out, I was always told that no one noticed anything but confidence. So to me, I was putting a fantasy character out there. No one had any idea what she represented to me, and I didn't share.

But even though Channe started out as this, she ended up taking on a life of her own and morphing into something I never could have expected. Where I stayed stagnant and even regressed in my social skills and confidence, she learned, adapted, and excelled. She became stronger, while I kindof stayed the same or got worse. And beyond that, a whole world began to form all around her that ended up being one of two worlds that were my largest, most detailed, most character-laden worlds I've ever created. She grew from a frightened teenager into a powerful queen, not always right or moral or reasonable, but her heart was in the right place. She knew she wasn't always steady or just, and so she surrounded herself with the right people who could council her. She had been discarded in life, seen as different, persecuted for what she was, and so she made her kingdom a sanctuary for misfits, orphans, refugees, and anyone else who needed refuge from a world that sought to define them too harshly.

I was amazed by this, heh, like what... are you doing? How are you doing this? How is this coming out of all the worst parts of myself and everything I hide from people? She took my weak and worst traits and somehow became something great, which is something I could never do in real life. I guess, with her, I took everything I wanted to become but couldn't do because I was too scared... and made it happen.

I don't want to get into her family, her subjects, her knights, her friends, her adopted children, her lovers, her enemies, etc. because I will be here for five years, haha. There's such a ridiculous amount of detail in this world it's not even funny. But I've rped so extensively in that world, through texting with friends, D&D games, and a wee bit on this site at times. I've written a 500+ page book I never finished, and about 300+ more pages of companion information, short stories, dictionaries, maps, and notes on culture, religion, history, and timelines for the world. And it all started with Channe. She was the first point I created for this world, and now it consists of several countries and kingdoms on a few continents, an original language, an original race, many original creatures, and hundreds of OCs.

I feel like a lot of her info is in her About post, so I won't go into detail here, but I guess I just wanted to rant about where she came from, how I created her, and what she means to me. I have... such a deep affection for her, it's not even funny. I have a mask ring that I used to wear every day that reminds me of her, and to this day, whenever I have something I have to go do, whether it's for work or a doc appt or anything where I know I'm going to feel out of my element and stressed, I wear that ring. After all these years, she's still very much a part of my writer's brain and my heart, and that's... honestly, I wish everyone could have that feeling of creating an OC that takes on its own life and becomes someone you love and who is important to you beyond just the written word. Like when you find yourself thinking of their quotes for extra assurance, or you think of their strength to help you find your own, etc. And I'm gushing and sounding like an idiot, but Channe and I go way back, haha, and she means a lot to me... and I guess I just wanted to share that with all of you. =)

She's from the same world as Jix and Aurelien, incidentally. Jix... is a bit of a pest to her, haha. He steals the raisins off her scones, lol. But otherwise she realizes he's harmless and she puts up with him, and he finds her eccentric but he still tries to be her friend, heh. Aurelien......... is a bit more complicated. He used to be soul-bonded to Channe's former lover, and things between them ended really messily and badly. So Channe wants nothing to do with Aurelien because he reminds her of her former lover Sri'hen... who, btw, was loosely inspired by Nuada. XD

I'm not sure why I still keep Channe on this blog, or why I still keep her blog even though I know I'll never return to it. I guess I do it out of respect for her, heh. Almost like... she's earned her place of status with me so she deserves to have these spots still, even if I haven't rped with her in years. And I really don't blame the lack of activity on this site or the people on it, like... she is a very strange character, very triggering for many, and she's not easy to get along with. That's why I just kindof let her sit here on this blog, I let her have her space, and don't force her on anyone. It just feels nice to have her here, even if I don't write her in anything, you know? =)

Alright, I feel like I've rambled on long enough, heh. If you've made it this far, thank you for taking the time to read this. I just want to add one little thing here: OCs matter. Mine matter, yours matter... the process of creating them is real and hard and valid. Make them for you, first and foremost, and don't let anyone bring you down about them. This site can ignore and make fun of and shun OCs like a champ, but it still can't take away that you've created something from nothing. You've done what a lot of people can't do. That's your brain baby and you should be proud of it. It's worth the time and effort, even if all you do is write it for yourself. It's an amazing process and if you're capable of it then please do it, no matter what anybody else says.

Thank you for sending this in! It gave me a chance to think about her and write a bit about her, which I haven't done in a really long time. It felt good. =)

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Life in an Autism World

[autiebiographical]

I'm not labeled "high functioning autistic" because of how well I function, but how well I hide my autism.

[youdontlookautistic]

Oh my god it just clicked.

I didn't make the mask/identity that I needed to, in order to survive in my family.

They did. My family made it.

How do I know? Because the narcissistic abuse in my family was so extreme, that no one ever asked me for my thoughts and feelings on anything, ever. And when I expressed them, I was told to be quiet, I was ignored, invalidated, shamed.

The weird thing about learning all of that is I've come to see I exist in my family only as a collection of their own one sided stories that all contribute to "Fantasy Me".

I had to block everyone in my family because they were all regurgitating the same stories between each other, further re-enabling this identity of mine, and instead of coming to me to say something like,

"Hey are you okay? Do you want to tell me your side?"

They hear the stories of others, and take action against me. I never had a chance cos they built an idea around who I was; they weren't willing to own their own shit. And it's that constant action that has built my mask. I didn't make it.

They fuckin did.

[bugisbonkerz]

do you ever realize after masking intentionally and unintentionally so much in your life, you completely forget who you are.. and how it feels like every time you mimic someone you lose a part of yourself and personality. and fear you’ll never figure out who you are or who you were once.

yeah.

anyway pictures of moth !!!

[vm-sys]

shout out to autistics who can't mask. shout out to autistics who don't know how to mask. shout out to autistics who do mask and still look autistic. shout out to autistics who stim constantly. shout out to autistics who drool. shout out to autistics who move 'weird'. shout out to autistic who use aac. shout out to autistics who wear noise canceling headphones. shout out to autistics who use other aids because of their autism.

shout out to autistics who are visible autistic.

[strwbryfeels]

it's so painful when people take my genuine contributions to a conversation as smart-alecky, know-it-all, or as a malicious attack. it reminds me why i was so quiet as a child.

[titan-god-helios]

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA bad bad bad badbadbadbadbad very bad why do people feel the need to touch you unexpectedly why do sounds exist why do textures exist why is the world so bright i wish i could put a dimmer on my eyes whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy this is bad veryvery bad and on top of that GUESS WHO HAS WORK TO DO FUCKING SKENSKDBAKDBWJDBQKSBAJBDUWBD

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

Autism & Irritability

Neurodivergent_lou

[noodle-shenaniganery]

People who can mask unmasking -> more common to see visibly autistic people -> (hopefully) less stigma around being visibly autistic -> safer for people who can’t mask well/at all.

People who can speak using AAC (usually when tired or stressed) -> more people know about AAC usage and wider consumer base -> better and cheaper technology that is less stigmatized -> safer and better for nonspeaking people who rely on AAC for most communication.

Everyone benefits by not being ableist. Let’s stop trying to be mean because of this stuff and help the people who need the most help.

[the-mountain-flower]

"Neurospicy" is kind of an offensive term so i'd appreciate if you didn't use it

just say neurodivergent please

While I get where you're coming from and appreciate your concern, no. I use both "neurospicy" and "neurodivergent", and "neurospicy" is not an offensive term.

Please don't gatekeep how we refer to ourselves.

[oxymoronicdumbass]

no, i can’t make eye contact because then i will Die

[strwbryfeels]

Had a meltdown last night trying to tell my mom I think I'm autistic. She immediately shut me down and said it's impossible.. that she "knows" I'm not... I currently have a knot on my head from hitting myself there before I could calm myself.. I felt angry at first, then stupid, and then guilty for the entire thing. I should have known better than to mention it. It's so painful. All I ask for is an open ear, and it seems that is too much for the people I have been taught to rely on.

[bobafett51]

I was denied reasonable accommodations because I applied for them too late. It’s not my fault I didn’t get my diagnosis until recently but apparently it was too late to get reasonable accommodations. It gets really frustrating and tiring, living in a system that isn’t built for almost all of your identities. Other than my gender and able-bodiedness, I have to explain and fight for all of my identities everywhere I go in mainstream society. And my other identities interact with my gender and able-bodiedness in negative ways. My ethnicity and muscular build make people assume I’m a gangmember. My autistic brain, already struggling with social cues, has to factor in the non-verbal communication my outfit, walk, and stimming and other mannerisms convey to actual gangmembers and police officers. Lest I get harassed, beat, or worse by them. When I’m in the club I have to worry about the way I dance for the same reason. I also have to worry about the times I get overstimulated at the club or go non-verbal. People at the club, and even other contexts, often assume consent to very sexual touching. Often it’s this touching that sends me over the edge into non-verbalness or overstimulation. And because they assume consent it means they keep going and because I’m non-verbal/overstimulated I’m unable to really do or say anything. And because Im a muscular, able bodied latino man I’m expected to be able to advocate for myself and the assumption is that this is what I want and wanted. Even when it’s not. It just becomes all so traumatic, isolating, and for some reason I don’t fully understand yet, it’s mostly just tiring. Sometimes I wish these things didn’t happen, that I was born different, that i didn’t have to go through the trauma and tribulations that I have had to go through. But despite that, I have come to mostly respect, appreciate and be grateful for these things that I used to wish never happened. Stephen Colbert once said, “what punishments of god are not gifts?” Everybody suffers and is hurt. In those times of hurt we like to hear from other people that we’re not alone; that other people have suffered similarly. We can form the strongest bonds with the people who have gone through similar traumas by talking and expressing ourselves to eachother. Because of these experiences, I am able to do that with so many people. I’ve been able to be there for my friends, countless of them, in their times of need at every stage of my life because I could empathize with them so well. I have been blessed to be able to share my stories of trauma and healing with other people. Little else makes me happier than hearing a family member or a friend telling me about a time I was there for them during one of their hard times. Some gifts require a lot of work and hardship to be able to receive. Connecting on that level is one of them. That’s why “I have come to love the things that I once wished had not happened.”

[batwynn]

It’s wild to me that I went from loving bugs and frogs and what people generally consider ‘ugly’ animals like vultures etc. as a young kid to disliking them because my peers loudly hated them, and my autistic ass was already terrified of being Wrong and Weird by the end of my first day in preschool. The same with the music I liked, and the movies, and the books, and hobbies, and any interests I actually had. What I didn’t stuff down early on, got bullied out of me over time until I only ‘liked’ what others liked. Did what others did.

And how it took years being away from that kind of environment to re-learn what I really liked and cared about. And even now I’m not 100% there yet. I still hide things that I like. I try not to talk about them, or draw too much of (thing), or be too excited about something. Because that’s what ✨trauma✨ does babee. 👍

Anyway. This is your gentle reminder that you can relearn to love the things you genuinely love. It’s hard, but it’s integral to getting back to feeling like yourself again after years of being someone else. It’s so worth it, I promise.

[my-autism-adhd-blog]

“You Can’t be Autistic…”

The Autistic Teacher