#tw: anorexic behaviours

[dorianbrightmusic]

Somewhat Quick Guidelines for How Not to be Triggering to ED-Havers

i'll do a more elaborate version of this some other time, but i have just consumed way too much youtube and i need to get some very mixed feelings out of my system

(tw for some discussion of EDs and the areas these render most sensitive)

Don't equate 'eating disorder' with 'anorexia nervosa'

The most common eating disorders are Binge-Eating Disorder and OSFED – according to Santomauro et al. (2021) and Yasmina and Keski-Rahkonen (2022), OSFED is more common than BED, so yeah. OSFED includes many, many categories in and of itself, including: subthreshold bulimia, subthreshold BED, atypical anorexia, purging disorder, and night eating syndrome. Orthorexia isn't recognised in the DSM-5-TR, but should be. I could not tell you what the most common form of OSFED is – I'd always thought it was atypical anorexia, but some studies I can find on a general population point more to purging disorder, subthreshold BN, subthreshold BED, (see Stice, Marti, & Rohde (2013), while this more recent study in a less reputable journal by Hay et al. (2023) places atypical AN as the most common OSFED. Either way, full-threshold AN is comparatively very, very rare.

Most eating disorders are not becoming emaciated + growing lanugo. If you did become emaciated and grow lanugo, then I'm proud of you for surviving your ED every day, because they are the absolute worst illnesses. However, you are also in a substantial minority. That doesn't make you any less valid—all it means is that EDs aren't necessarily traditional anorexia.

I'll get onto the main difference between atypical and non-atypical AN in a minute, but for now, let's say that even if atypical AN is horrifyingly common, most EDs aren't anorexia of any kind. Most EDs are one of the other kinds. And while good AN rep is great and rare, using 'eating disorder' to mean 'anorexia' is incredibly dismissive of the immense and debilitating of eating disordered behaviour out there. It's limited in the same way as using 'neurodivergent' to just mean 'autism + ADHD' – just as neurodivergence is much, much broader than Au/DHD (and this isn't to detract from the validity of Au/DHD folks), EDs are much, much broader than anorexia, and using 'eating disorder' as a synonym for 'thin and restrictive' is an extremely limited definition.

Moreover, many ED-havers go to immense, immense efforts to downplay their symptoms. The common refrain you'll hear in ED recovery is 'but I'm not sick enough to need help' – and the more narrow the operational definition of ED, the more people are made to feel they aren't sufficiently ill to have a real problem. EDs thrive in secrecy. They are often silent, and they are lethal. By using 'eating disorder' as a euphemism for 'anorexia', we give power to each of these illnesses by letting them remain silent, too macabre and mysterious to acknowledge.

Be specific. Do not talk about someone having 'an eating disorder'. Do not use it as a smokescreen behind which to hide nervousness. Say the exact disorder, or, if unsure, use an adjective: a restrictive eating disorder, an ED with purging, an ED with bingeing, etc.

2. 'Eating disordered' does not mean thin

This goes for all EDs, and especially for anorexia. Argh.

Bulimia is often overweight, and can be any weight. BED can be any weight. ARFID can be any weight. Pica, rumination disorder, night-eating syndrome, and orthorexia can be any weight. Moreover, a thin person with an ED may not have AN—they might have ARFID, BED, BN, or so many more.

And most importantly, most anorexics are not underweight. There exists a diagnostic distinction between AN and so-called atypical AN, wherein the sole difference is that atypical anorexics are not underweight. That's it. That's the one difference.

It's also a completely BS distinction, since ED psychopathology is as bad/worse in atypical AN, and atypical AN recovery rates are marginally worse. The two are the same illness. How thin you are does not necessarily correlate with how restrictive you are, and every use of 'anorexic' as a synonym for 'thin' is indicative of a total misunderstanding of the complexity of this disorder.

Have courage. Give me obese characters with BN and AN, normal-weight characters with BED, characters of all weights with ARFID. Please: I'm outright begging at this point.

3. Sensationalising weight makes us feel, unsurprisingly, fairly awful

Writing eating-disordered characters by focussing on their weight is an excellent way to sensationalise the illness and implant a horrible feeling in audience mouths. If I google search images for anorexia, I will see ribs and spines everywhere. If I google search images for bulimia, I will see extremely thin young women eating pizza or crouched beside toilets. If I google search images for binge-eating disorder, there's no end to the pizza.

There is no definitive size eating-disordered folks are. But the more we see EDs represented in extremes of thinness and fatness—think To the Bone or The Whale—the more we, as a society, convey the message that by not fitting a size mould, people aren't sick enough to have a problem. And that perpetuates the cycle of hiding disordered behaviours and getting thinner.

Making a show of how thin or fat certain characters are is a great way to make people with EDs feel embarrassed either by their similarity to the thin/fat people depicted ('wow, I am disgusting') or by their lack of similarity ('I was never anywhere near that thin. God, I couldn't even succeed at being a failure'). So, please don't emphasise specific emaciated or larger body parts as explicitly indicative of an eating disorder.

4. Please keep the numbers out of this

I don't have the perspective to speak from the POV of those with other disorders, but I can say this much: Anorexia is a very analytical illness—will I be small enough to fit in this space, hold this, do this? —and seeing someone else's minimum weight is an excellent way to make someone feel as if they are a failure for being less thin. This is especially problematic given that 'xxkg lady' is a headline that sells like wildfire in a world where most anorexics aren't thin. I love Hank Green and his work, but the CrashCourse video on eating disorders is an excellent example of how not to handle talking about weight: explicit height/weight numbers are mentioned for the hypothetical sick woman, emphasising the role of emaciation in the illness. It's a bit sensationalist and very triggering.

This is also one of the things Heartstopper (the comic – I haven't watched the show) does right. Though it's not perfect, Charlie's weight is never given a number, and while he's shown to be unhealthily thin, we never get an explicit close-up of any bones or the like. It's other physical symptoms, like fainting and constant coldness, that make it clear that he's seriously, seriously ill. And that took immense, immense tact. Also the fact that later on, after diagnosis, he's explicitly said to have anorexia, rather than the smokescreen of 'an ED', and that he still struggles after he starts recovery... those are all very respectful ways of writing ED-having characters. Alice Oseman, I tip my hat to you.

I'd recommend against mentioning numbers of calories in anything (guess who once scrolled through an ED blog, found out the number of calories in a normal breakfast food, and then was promptly very scared of eating such), or about mentioning explicit amounts of food. Moreover, if you're going to depict a character eating, please do it carefully.

If you want to mention any numbers when writing eating-disordered characters: mention blood pressure, temperature or rate of weight loss/gain (I don't think it's awful to say 'lost/gained this much in this much time), but keep the discourse around rate of any weight change as neutral as possible. If I say I weighed xyz kilograms at my sickest, that doesn't do justice to the illness. If I say my temperature was about 35 degrees and my blood pressure was 59/40, it does, but it's not exactly something that can be made competitive as easily.

5. Don't sensationalise amounts

See above. We don't need to know the explicit number of slices of pizza/bags of xyz/bars of abc that a character consumed during a binge, nor how little a character with a restrictive ED had for breakfast. There is an immense amount of horror that can be engendered through implication. One exception—showing that a character can remember the exact number of whatever food they consumed (so long as this isn't being done in kcal/kj) is an excellent way to show disordered eating behaviour! e.g. I generally count how many water crackers I eat in a snack and have strict (low) limits on how many I'm allowed per day. This is proof AN doesn't go away too quickly.

6. Don't sensationalise weight, generally

This goes out to every time i've seen neuroleptics bashed for having the side-effect of weight gain, but without it being then explained that there are a host of many, many other side effects, most of which are much worse than weight gain.

This goes out to every time I walked out of the ED clinic and saw the Jenny Craig ads across the road.

This goes out to every time I see losing weight promoted as a panacea for every single health condition, including those that cause weight gain.

Showing weight gain in an overly negative light or isolating it when it's one of many, many other things in a category is just tasteless. Please, don't do this.

7. Don't sensationalise kinds of food

Some binge-eaters will never touch pizza or chocolate in a binge. Some anorexics friggin' love chocolate. Don't assume a diagnosis necessarily means one will have or lack a sweet tooth.

8. Setting up ground for comparisons is... worrisome

We probably don't want to know the specifics of someone's diet, clothing size, or any of the like. When handling EDs, please don't focus on the specifics of what someone consumes or how large/small they are.

9. Don't assume EDs are character traits

BN and AN are correlated with perfectionism and harm avoidance, amongst other things, but EDs aren't personality traits. Bingeing is not sloppiness. Restriction is not vanity. Please don't assume these behaviours are indicative of what's in the soul.

10. Please don't focus on white, young, otherwise-neurotypical women

People of all ethnicities, ages, genders, and neurotypes can have eating disorders, natch. There is no single way to look or be eating-disordered.

11. Please don't assume we get better immediately

When you live with an ED, you live with a voice in the back of your head that is constantly vying to hit the self-destruct button. And it isolates you and mimics your own voice, and after a time, it becomes extremely difficult to tell it from your own thoughts. It's being taken over and possessed, semi-conscious, from the inside. It's living in a trance and being made a puppet. It is learned helplessness. It is sewn into the fabric of your thought, your speech, your values. Even before you are acutely sick, you live with it inside you. Learning to survive an ED is learning to live with it beside you—becoming less helpless to the behaviour, but no less aware of the thought for a very long time. Recovery is possible, but it's most certainly not linear, and most certainly a long, long process.

Recovery is not merely the cessation of the behaviour, or weight restoration. It's a disservice to ED-havers to say you can easily get to a point of never having ED thoughts ever again. So know that we are living with our illnesses every day, but that even so, we can move on. Grant us the grace to let us admit we won't always be well, and guide us nevertheless to believing in our own ability to recover.

[kart0]

Tw eating disorder

I have barely eaten all day. I feel miserable. I feel so hungry I feel sick. I skipped dinner, and made my mom cry because I have stopped eating together with my family.

I am so fucking miserable and I am so. So ashamed.

I think I can finally admit I have anorexia. Even though I am not as skinny as a "typical" anorexic person would be, I think I fit into the characteristics and behaviours of one. I skip meals, I don't see myself as skinny even thought I have lost a ton of weight. I am anxious about my looks and how much I am eating. I stopped eating candy, of anything that actually brings me happiness and pleasure. I do not binge. I feel like I do not deserve to have food. I do not deserve the pleasure of eating. I only eat when I do good. I have to battle for food. I have to behave nicely, do well on university, finish my projects, finish my drawings, interact with my friends, be thoughtful, and caring. That's when I can eat. When something I do is good.

And all I want is to get skinnier and skinnier. The problem is that I did have a goal before. But now that I am actually getting there it's like my goal gets further away and I am always never quite there yet. Like I need to keep doing this until...until when actually ? There's no limit to what I'm doing. If I keep doing this I will mostly die.

And I don't know how to stop. And I am so, utterly scared. How do I compromise, eating, and losing weight. I know I should eat healthy and exercise and build muscle and get strong and I was doing better I was eating and going to the gym but then it's like it just snapped and I started eating less. And less. And it kept going and now I am skipping meals, barely having any food. And I am so fucking tired. Being hungry makes me pissed and sad and just bad. Of course, I feel sick, nauseated, headaches, I already have low blood pressure and I am anemic. But there's this sick mentality of feeling pride whenever I feel like that. It's like a sick reward, a proof that I am losing weight.

I can't keep doing this but I don't know how to ask for help because I am so embarrassed because it should be so fucking easy. LITERALLY JUST FUCKING EAT. EAT. JUST EAT YOU MORON. YOU STUPID BITCH. DO YOU WANT TO FUCKING DIE ??????????

I don't want to tell anybody. I want to deal with this on my own. Part of me thinks I can do it, I can recover and be healthy again. I already went through this once, and I did get better. I can do it again. But the other part of my brain keeps thinking I do not know what I'm doing. I will fail. And how I should keep doing this, even though it's very dangerous.

I am so hungry. I will try to eat something before bed. I hope I get better. I don't want to be like this anymore.

[endlessbag]

!! TW : ED !!

for some reason i started losing my time on edtwt, and i want to lose weight so bad (i'm not anorexic or anything, i used to have bulimic behaviour, but that's it) but i always crave binging and i am so afraid of it. I want rn to eat my junkfood but i can't because i'm with my friend, and even tho he is sleeping, I an too ashamed. I want to be slim man :(

[space-paanda]

It’s been a while. But I really felt the need to spit out some kind of word vomit after so long. Try finding something to occupy my time and burn some energy. I feel tired writing this, it’s not coming as easily as it once did

Persona 5 / Reader

Akira Kurusu / Reader

Warnings

Hanahaki, Blood, Death, Heartbreak

It was hard to watch Akira and Makoto flirt, somewhat shamelessly at times. It was painful to think that you were suffering in silence, despite all the times you’d been told you didn’t have to.

How could you bring this up?

You spluttered again, leaning over the school garden bed in an attempt to scatter those red petals amongst the naturally falling rose petals. They looked almost like flakes of Mementos flame, being kicked up by your heart’s desperation.

Your heart would learn and give up soon enough.

You pulled out your red handkerchief and wiped your mouth. The blood faded easily into the red, and the rosy scent of crushed rose petals blended into your perfume.

It’s one benefit to having your disease align with your favorite flower - no one thought anything of the extra rosy smell or a few stray petals caught on your clothes. It was just part of you expressing your favorite things.

Pop! Pop! Pop!

Was that the sound of your heart bursting or your phone’s message tone, you wonder, although the vibrations in your pocket give you a handy hint it’s the latter.

Pulling it from your pocket, your screen lights up to show off the conversation in the Phantom Thieves group chat. Ryuji, Ann, Futaba... Makoto and Akira.

Oh.

Where was Yusuke? It’s not like him to-

Makoto and Akira are being cutesy, even in the group chat. Not even wondering where Yusuke had disappeared would distract you from such a thing. You don’t know if they’re aware of how the interactions are coming across.

You wonder if they care. If they’ve noticed your withdrawal.

Are you ok?

It makes you stop for a moment, and the message notification disappears before you can fully register who it is who sent you the innocent question.

You pull out of the group chat and see Akira’s icon at the top of your chats. Why was he concerning himself with you now? He’ll have to wait.

You only just manage to push your phone back in your pocket and kneel before the flower bed again before you feel that rush in your throat. It’s thick, full again with rose petals and blood.

You have to lean over, grasp your stomach with one hand and bring your other hand to your mouth - you hated this part. Reaching far enough, you felt your gag begin and out came a cascade of - otherwise gorgeous - red petals.

You have to spit a few times to remove all the petals, some get stuck behind your teeth and under your tongue. If he saw them, it’d be over.

You wipe your mouth again and pull your phone back out.

I’m fine, why the sudden worry?

He takes only a few seconds to respond, and you ponder the possibility that your conversation is his priority right now.

You ran from cleaning time. You’re usually the last to leave

I had a doctor's appointment, but I booked it too early. I didn’t make it so I had to reschedule.

Could he believe that? He’s been more perceptive as of late, but that only applies when in person, right?

“Funny looking doctor appointment,” he calls. Akira tucks his phone into his pocket and adjusts the bag over his shoulder. As he does, Morgana shifts and pokes his head out sleepily, before settling back in for another catnap. “If you’re vomiting, I have some medication from the clinic.”

Of course, he would catch you. It wouldn’t be like him to not be in the right place at the wrong time. Akira was good like that, having a knack for finding you when you thought you needed to be alone most.

You pulled yourself to your feet, tucking the handkerchief into your pocket and turning to face him. You smiled. “Vomiting? No, not me!” You replied, gesturing to the garden bed. “Just a little cough, some phlegm. Nothing too bad.” Your tongue was skimming over your teeth, seeking petals that had snuck their way down to the corners of your mouth.

He tilted his head. Those gunmetal eyes were analyzing, so critical of your appearance. He wasn’t exactly the dumbest kid, but he didn’t present himself as the smartest at times, either. But he was always observant. He pushed his glasses up his nose slightly. “Something came out though. Looked red, was it blood?”

Akira was too observant for his own good. He came forwards to stand over you. He looked past you, to the flower bed. To the roses, and the piles of petals gathering by your feet.

You could hear him catch his breath. “Roses.”

“They’re my favorite.” You replied. You shrugged, almost as if to wipe the topic aside, but also helplessly. “I wanted to see them before they died.”

Roses only lasted a week, when cared for properly. Hours, when they’re cut and without water. Perhaps it was an indicator of how long you would survive. Would you survive to the end of his probation? Would you live a few months more?

“I’ve heard some roses are invasive, and people can opt to have them removed.” Akira knew, and it hurt to know he’d found out. He tucked his hands into his pockets, and his foot nudged the pile of rose petals.

The pile toppled, scattering the deep red further. 

You wrung your hands, glancing down to his feet as he pointed his toes up, and turned his foot. Your blood was smeared on his shoe. “I don’t want to remove them.” Your breathing was heavier than normal. It always was after throwing up the flowers.

“I’m sorry,” Akira whispered. You could only just catch it over the sound of students passing and their chatter. “I didn’t notice you were struggling. I could’ve helped sooner.”

Licking your lips, you reached up a hand and coughed into it dryly. You caught the few petals that sprung out. “Well, where were you? I’ve been struggling for a while, Akira...not much can be done now.” You turned to him and bowed. Your head was throbbing, and you could feel the exhaustion in your eyes whenever you blinked.

You knew you weren’t going to survive much longer, regardless of how much you hoped to make it to the end of Akira’s probation.

“I was trying to advance my skills, gather things for the Phantom Thieves-”

“Spending time with Ann, Ryuji, Futaba...Makoto.” You murmured. Your eyes stung a little when you blinked. Was that the tiredness, or were those tears trying to bubble through? Who knows anymore.

Akira used to make you feel such jubilation, tingle with happiness in each cell of your body. He caused butterflies in your stomach; your cheeks to hurt from smiling so much; your head to fog with thoughts of his own smile and laugh. But now...? Now he hurt you.

You loved him, you couldn’t hide it. It wasn’t enough anymore, to have him as a friend. There wasn’t time to be satisfied anymore.

There wasn’t time.

“I’m sorry. I meant to come to spend time with you, but...things got busy.” Akira replied, pressing a hand against your shoulder, nudging you to stand up. When you remained bowed, his brow furrowed. “[Y/N]?”

“I can’t, not anymore, Akira. I can’t be a Phantom Thief.”

When you stood up, you could see his glasses were sliding down his nose again, his eyes widening and his brows lifted high. His mouth hung open slightly.

“I can’t continue when I’m dying. I can’t pretend anymore.” You stepped away from him and picked up your school bag from the nearby bench. Rummaging through one of the pockets, you pulled out a bright red card, and held it out to him.

He hesitated a moment, before taking hold of it and turning it over to see the familiar Phantom Thief calling card design. There were significantly fewer words on it though. It smelled strongly of roses, having absorbed either your perfume or the scent of your disease.

Akira Kurusu

We were so close.

You stole my heart.

I couldn’t steal yours.

Now it’s too late.

But I wanted to tell you,

At least,

That I love you.

He looked up, but you’d walked away, shoulders hunched. A trail of roses followed after you, slipping from your hand as you walked. Some spilled out with coughs every few steps.

He felt his chest tighten, and he pressed the card to his lips. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I love you before I killed you.” He whispered.

You wouldn’t last the night. You were too far gone, to be saved by his love now. Surgery would leave you heartless, and your Persona wouldn’t hang around when there’s no heart in your rebellion. You wouldn’t feel the passion for the Phantom Thief cause, and you wouldn’t feel the exhilaration with him anymore.

When school began the following day, students were gathered in the gymnasium.

Akira looked to the stage and felt his heart squeeze, his breath escape.

There was your school portrait, surrounded by the red roses that had suffocated you in the night.

It was too late.

[aristotels]

i literally cant believe how much of an awful, manipulative and exploitative person tess holiday is

[fandomlifechoseme]

Isogai Yuuma, Nagisa Shiota, Karma Akabane, and Itona Horibe with a suicidal and anorexic s/o please? (They/them pronouns please)

I can absolutely do this, and just so everyone knows, if you want to talk to someone my Dms are open.

Sorry if it doesn’t sound too good, I don’t know what it’s like to have Anorexia, so I had to ask around.

TW: Suicidal Thoughts/Attempts and Anorexia

Isogai

He notices the habits really fast.

The second you push away food that's offered, he starts taking notes on what and when you are eating.

He also notices the distance you put between yourself and others.

So the day you magically started talking to everyone and gave everyone hugs

He became scared.

So he decided to walk you home

Despite protests, you could not get him to leave.

Then he made it a ritual to pack you lunch and walk you to and from school

He never demands you to talk about how you’re feeling.

He just lets you know that he’s here for you.

When it came to eating though, That was something he wouldn’t budge on

He would take you to his work and order your favourite food and eat with you 

He would also let Mr Karasuma know what is going on, which leads to Mr Karasuma having a chat with you

Slowly, despite it being extremely hard, you know you have the support of Isogai.

You know he’d never give up on you

Nagisa

Nagisa is a little quicker to note your behaviour 

He confronted you about it, calmly

This caused you to break down in tears and tell him how you were feeling/what you were doing

Nagisa, told you that admitting that you have a problem is the best way to find a solution.

He would take notes of your routine so that he could slowly put a bit of help in there w/o it becoming a big deal

He goes to tell Korosensei, Who immediately schedules a meeting with you.

After like 5 meetings with Korosensei, you get set up with a proper therapist.

Where you slowly get more help.

With Nagisa there every step of the way

Karma

Karma doesn’t notice the eating, very quickly

But he picks up on the suicidal behaviour 

He notices that you don’t look before crossing the street

Something that he doesn’t do either

It actually takes you confronting him about his behaviour for him to talk to you

He had the thought that if you were to mention dying

He’d beat you to it.

So he didn’t suffer through losing you.

When you find out about his plans 

(He had a note book with how he was going to do it)

You start to cry

Which causes him to get defensive and say

“WELL, IF YOU GO I GO!” 

Which causes you to cry even more

He slowly pulls you into a hug and makes you promise

“If you stay here, with me, healthy, then I’ll stay here too okay?”

“We need to hold each other accountable”

You become each others rock.

Itona

Doesn’t understand whatsoever.

When you turn away food, He just assumes its bad food.

He keeps trying to find something that you’d like because he heard that's what good boyfriends do for their significant others

No matter what he offered, you seemed not interested.

So he asks Muramatsu, because he works at a food place

Once he describes what's happening to him

Muramatsu gets immediately concerned.

He explains to Itona what eating disorders are and what could be going on

This makes Itona go and confront you

Which makes Muramatsu follow so Itona isn’t rude about it

Itona just says quite calmly

“Have you been eating anything?”

Which catches you off guard, because dam

You accidentally blurt out that you have barely been eating anything 

Which causes him to do the unexpected

Itona hugs you.

He tells you how, it’s going to be ok.

He then takes out food from his backpack 

“Even tho this is shit, you should eat it”

[siriusly-ilovemoony]

'Skin and Bones'

TW: Eating Disorders, Bulimic and Anorexic behaviours

She never knew how much it affected her until life as she knew it began to slip away. They noticed, all of them did and tried to warn her, how close she was to the edge but she wouldn't listen, she had to be skinnier, prettier, more attractive even if it meant tipping over the edge.

She never knew what an eating disorder was until Severus called her a disgusting fat mudblood that was the first time she realised the fat on her belly where she could pinch or the jiggle on her thighs. He was her first friend, her only friend but the summer joining into their second year, he changed. She starved herself for a whole week just to make it go away and when it didn't she carried on for another week eating barely anything.

She never knew what it meant to be in critical condition, working out before any meal, running till she could no longer breathe, fainting because of the lack of food she ate. Anything she ate would just come back up again because she would make herself throw up, it was the only thing that made her feel in control of what calories she gained from the meal.

She never knew how much weight she had lost until someone told her they could see her ribs, that was the day she threw up the most even when she hadn't eaten for days she threw up whatever was left in her stomach. That was the day she went for a run to avoid dinner and collapsed in the forest.

That was the day she has been sick for three years. They noticed, they all did but she wouldn't listen.

"Lily, Lily wake up...please wake up, Lily," James's scruffy raven hair collided with her view as she stared up at the luring figure.

"Huh, Jam..." Lily could barely speak.

"You're alive thank fucking Merlin, Jesus Lily, here let me help, get up please," James carefully picked her up as she staggered leaning onto James to just stand up, all that was left was skin and bones.

"I-I'm...I...fine," Lily pushed herself off him as she stumbled to a tree gripping tightly.

"Bullshit Lil, look at you. Bloody LOOK AT YOURSELF, can't you see, Lily I..." his voice faded knowing she was too polluted by the calorie counting and her perfect body to really hear what he was saying.

"I'm sorry," she whispered it was the first time she ever meant it.

James stared at her unable to speak, all he did was walk over and lift her up to take her back to the castle, he had to help her.

She never knew what it was meant to be loved until the day when James saved whatever was left of her.

[the-mostdiabolik-of-lovers]

(TW eating disorder/mental illness) How would the Sakamaki brothers react to receiving an anorexic bride? You don't have to answer it if you don't want to/ consider it too triggering 🥺 {Your blog always brightens my day, keep it up 😘😘}

Ava: Thank you, anon. It means a lot. ♡

                                  ┕━♔━┙

Shuu: We might be able to survive without food, but that doesn’t mean I’ll turn a blind eye to you. Let me feed you.

Reiji: You recognise you do not have healthy eating behaviours, do you not? Of course I will not allow them to fester. 

Ayato: You can’t tell that someone could possibility resist the temptation of a takoyaki! C’mon, just one bite, yeah?

Kanato: A proper diet is important... You don’t want for your blood to end up all diluted and bland otherwise for me.

Laito: I’m here, Bitch-chan, if feeding it to you might help~? Not even one bite, hmm? Why not try to push yourself?

Subaru: If you don’t take my advice around this food and stuff, you’re only gonna wind up with Reiji forcing you t’eat.

[gloochie]

here’s a fuckin rant about how in love i am with sunny’s portrayal of realistic anorexia // ed tw obviously

doesn’t take up the character’s entire personality

yeah there’s tons of shows with characters that have eating disorders, but usually that is the only purpose of the character, so their entire personality is just the eating disorder. yes that is how it can feel for the individual in real life, that they are nothing without their eating disorder, but that isn’t how other people see them. their friends see a regular person and often don’t even see the eating disorder at all.

dennis is orthorexic and anorexic, that’s obvious, but that isn’t all that either the other characters or the audience see. as he’s primarily known as a ‘psychopathic narcissistic serial killer / golden god’, especially by ‘dudebros’. the other characters obviously think this as well, as the word ‘eating disorder’ and ‘dennis’ have yet to coexist in a sentence, and only on one or maybe two occasions have the other characters seemed to show any sort of concern for his habits.

the other characters don’t care or lack knowledge [ highlighting male eating disorder / mental illness awareness ]

from memory there are three occasions where the other characters seem to recognise his unhealthy behaviour. [ although there are many references to his ed in various other episodes ]

the first example is in ‘the gang exploits a miracle’ which is also the first and most major portrayal of his eating disorder in the show. dee had told him that his face looked fat, so he proceeded to not eat for three days. when frank discovered he was fasting, he said ‘why the hell are you fasting’ and sounded annoyed. and when he noticed him spacing out, he told him that he should eat but said nothing else. then when dennis faints at the end , he merely says ‘that’s what you get for not eating’. so the entire time, frank found his behaviour irritating rather than worrying. when dee discovers that she caused dennis to fast for three days, she expresses faux concern before informing him that he’s a terrible person. despite finally revealing to him that his face doesn’t look fat, she doesn’t hesitate to continue to put him down. [ mac and charlie seem to have absolutely no significant interaction with him in this episode, so their opinions at this point don’t exist ]

the next episode is ‘franks pretty woman’ dennis takes mac to the doctor to get a physical / blood test to try and show him that he’s unhealthy. dennis is then shocked to discover that both of them are unhealthy - albeit on different sides of the scale -, as it is revealed that dennis has anemia, dehydration, low blood pressure, and multiple vitamin deficiencies. these are all side affects from a restrictive diet. he also explains to mac in detail the other steps he takes, including skipping meals, and excessively exercising. mac does not seem too phased besides from exclaiming ‘that’s sounds miserable’. when dennis almost faints and informs mac he hadn’t eaten yet that day, mac reacts by saying he’s going to get him something to eat, which he does. the two end up eating chimichangas. mac says [ paraphrasing ] ‘see? i told you they’re good.’

the final time dennis’ eating habits are really noticed by the gang is in ‘the gang chokes’ in which he claims to have an ‘allergy’ to gluten, sugar, and dairy. this is obviously false as in previous episodes he’s eaten cheese, pizza, and other such things. despite mac forgetting, he tries to help dennis stick to his ‘dietary requirements’. later on in the episode, dennis claims to have ‘depleted his electrolytes’ and had fallen ill due to the pollen in the air, although he was acting similar to ‘exploits a miracle’ which may point to him fasting. mac is quick to help, he picks him up and carries him bridal style all the way home [ despite dropping him twice ]. finally, dennis grows sick from drinking the pizza and soda shakes that mac has been giving him, and mac claims it ‘wrecks havoc on his system’ which is why he’s sick, although the real reason is rarther ambiguous [ actually intolerance, mild refeeding syndrome, generally unwell? ]

dennis does not look anorexic.

this is possibly my favourite part of their portrayal. in movies and tv that are made to raise awareness about anorexia, the character in question is almost always deathly pale, extremely underweight. however, dennis isn’t like that at all. in seasons 9 and 10 he looks to be a very healthy weight, and in previous seasons he was still relatively healthy.

this is amazing to see because not all cases of anorexia are anorexia nervosa, not all patients meet the weight requirement for the nervosa diagnoses. so portraying someone with disordered eating but a non disordered body is great representation and often more realistic.

[ despite this, there’s obvious proof that glenn howerton has begun slimming down for his role as of at least season 14, dennis is starting to physically show signs of anorexia. ]

fatphobia projection

dennis is extremely fatphobic. in ‘aluminium monster vs fatty magoo’ he calls the slim models ‘fat’ and ‘ugly’, to the point where he takes their place [ while wearing a corset ]. he is also shown to find mac disgusting when he gains weight, he finds it so distressing that he obtains illegal medication and drugs mac so he will lose weight.

this is all a very common thing with anorexia and other restrictive eating disorders, the ‘ed voice’ that tells you that you’re fat says that others are fat as well, and your illness makes you internally fatphobic.

he isn’t just insecure about his weight.

there are many different reasons that one gets an eating disorder, whether due to trauma, preexisting mental illness, from stress, parental abuse etc. however one main reason is to gain a feeling of ‘control’ over ones body, to be able to shape it to your will and make it as ‘perfect’ as you can.

in dennis’ case, he claims to see himself as a ‘golden god’, sculpted by the gods, and just all round flawless. this is extremely obviously false, as the second a flaw is pointed out to him he takes extreme measures to rectify such a thing:

‘the gang exploits a miracle’ - he starves himself for three days after dee says his face is fat

‘how mac got fat’ - he dyes his hair and gets a chemical peel after feeling pressured to keep up his ‘reputation’ as the attractive one in the group

‘the high school reunion’ - he wishes to make a good impression at the reunion, and it’s pointed out that he was wearing a girdle to ‘seem thin for the occasion’, he was also wearing makeup but it’s not clear exactly when dennis started wearing makeup on a daily basis so i’m unsure if that was normal or not.

‘dee day’ - he’s extremely insecure and withdrawn without his makeup, he’s unable to hit on the council woman. when he later returns to the bar with his makeup back on, he denies wearing any and claims he was merely tired. this insinuates he wants the gang to believe his looks are natural and not fabricated

there’s also the fact that they’re representing male eating disorders! i don’t think i’ve ever seen a piece of mainstream media that portrays a male with an eating disorder. it’s fucking amazing of them to do it, not to mention do it as well as they have done.

in conclusion, RCG is portraying the most realistic and accurate disordered person i’ve ever seen in media.

[with-galaxies-in-her-veins]

let’s talk eating disorders (TW)

*sigh*

this isn’t really something i like to talk about, because, hi, it’s personal and private, but i think that it’s something that needs to be heard, especially if you are someone who wants to help a loved one recover. i know that this is going to cause a lot of drama, but hey, if it helps someone, i’ll willing to face the brunt of it, so here goes.

eating disorders are a mental illness. they may not seem like one, since “oh, all they really are is just starving, binging, and purging, right?” wrong. see, the parts of our brains that normally tell us “okay, stop eating” or “eat now��� are different from those of a non-disordered person. this is caused by multiple different reasons, from either the hypothalamus not sending the correct signals to your brain whilst eating (1), or your own stubbornness/personal drive.

let’s break it down, shall we?

first things first: you can have an eating disorder and be overweight

dear all things holy and sweet, the amount of times i’ve read/heard the phrase “but you’re not even skinny, how can you have an eating disorder?” is so plentiful that if i had a dollar for each time i heard it, i would be able to afford the therapy i so desperately need.

here’s the thing, though, that not many people get. there are loads of eating disorders, not just the most commonly heard-of anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. the stigma that you have to be underweight to have an eating disorder is so incredibly ridiculous, not to mention damaging to the kids and teenagers who don’t realize that “hey, you can have an eating disorder and be at a normal/higher weight.” (2) let’s put it this way: say you’re struggling through something, and you don’t quite have all the symptoms shown online or depicted in movies. because of this, you feel like you don’t deserve recovery because “you don’t have all the symptoms of this, though,” and you won’t stop your behaviour and habits until you do. that’s what goes through the mind of an anorexic who isn’t underweight. so the stereotype of a girl clinging to life by a pound is completely damaging to a person, especially if that person is young.

next, notice how i don’t use specific genders, races, or religions here. that’s because anyone, regardless of those factors, can have an eating disorder.

according to  National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, “16% of transgender college students reported having an eating disorder”, “2.1% of sexual minority men reported having an eating disorder” (in a large national study of college students), and “eating disorders affect all races and ethnic groups.” (3) do you see what this means? not just pretty rich white girls have eating disorders. and here’s another thing: happiness has nothing to do with it. granted, many people with eating disorders have other mental illnesses (depression, anxiety, body dysphoria, etc.), but that’s not the only factor here. psychological, social, biological, and external factors are all things to be considered. research has suggested that those who have had family members who struggled with an eating disorder are much more susceptible to having one themselves, later on in life. (4)

obviously there’s much more to be covered here, but if i chose to go over each and every little detail, this post would be longer and more annoying than jay gatsby’s pining for daisy. if you’re interested in doing more research before you read the next topic, please see the links i have provided below.

a personal outlook on anorexia, and what it’s like to have it

okay, now for the juicy stuff you were probably expecting before i smacked you in the face with statistics and facts (you know, boring things people tend to ignore)

so, i think the first thing i want to say is that no, i’m not stupid, and no, i’m not being selfish.

see, many people associate anorexia with vanity, selfishness, stupidity, etc. that’s really not it. again, eating disorders are a mental illness, therefore meaning that it’s not really something that can be easily controlled. when you have anorexia, there’s this little voice in the back of your mind that’s constantly telling you “oh, you’ll never be enough until you’re skinny.” actually, wait, scratch that. some people don’t even have anorexia to be skinny. things like past traumas, bullying, abuse, etc. can cause it because it’s a form of either punishment, self-harm/self-destruction, or a defense mechanism. for me, it’s a form of self-destruction.

my anorexia started out as a 11-12 year old me romanticizing eating disorders because of what i’ve read and watched in the media. i was never a “fat” or “overweight” person, but seeing images of skinny models with thigh gaps and collarbones made me think that “oh, that’s what society values, so in order to make more friends and be popular, i need to look like that.” add this to a few past comments from classmates, and, well, we all know where that ended, right?

sigh.

if there is one thing that i wish i could tell myself back then, it would be “baise la société. ne vous inquiétez pas de ce que quelqu'un pense de vous et vivez votre vie selon vos propres valeurs.” (fuck society. do not worry about what someone thinks of you and live your life according to your own values.) i spent so much of my 14th year of life worrying about my weight, and when i tried recovery (actually trying, not just eating a little normal and saying “oh, i’ve recovered!”) a few months ago, the relapse was the worst i’ve ever had. see, even when you think you’re doing okay, and have a semi-normal relationship with food and your body, your eating disorder will still be there. i tried multiple times to recover, each time trying a new method, but, as you can see, i obviously failed.

but here’s something i really want you to understand: just because i have this disorder, does not mean i’m foolish.

i understand perfectly the long-term effects of this disorder. i understand that if i keep going until i reach my goals, whatever they may be, i will die. i understand all of it. i’ve done the research, i’ve read the testimonies, i’ve seen the first-hand effects of this disorder, and i’ve lived through them. i know that living this way is terrible and not really any way to live at all, and i know that living in general is amazing and incredible, and that i should want to keep doing it. but here’s the thing. like many people in the eating disorder community, i’m not here to just “lose weight.” i’m here to slowly kill myself in a way that ensures i can’t ever be fixed. sure, i could try therapy, inpatient, outpatient, whatever, but i know that it won’t work for me. why, you may ask? i don’t want the help, and i know that it will be a waste of time and money.

i’m not telling you this to make you pity me, or feel bad, or to get you to try and be all “oh gosh, this kid needs saving.” no. i’m telling you this so that you can better understand what it’s like to actually have this disorder. it’s not starving and exercising, it’s cycles of restriction and binging, crying when you realize you’ve gained weight, and absolutely loathing how you look on a daily basis. these thoughts, habits, whatever you want to call it, are what makes an eating disorder so goddamn destructive, and i refuse to just sit by and watch as more and more lives get taken by this parasitic illness.

in my head, i know that i’m not fat. i’m a small person. i don’t have any problem seeing myself as small when i’m surrounded by people. but when i’m alone, i see myself as this horridly overweight being, and that image never leaves my mind. i guess you could call it a mindset, or a disordered mentality towards my body.  each time i see my reflection in a mirror, i check to see if i look skinny or not. i wrap my hands around my wrists, ankles, thighs, arms, etc. just to see if i’ve lost weight or gained. it’s an obsession, it’s unhealthy, and it’s a terrible outlook to have on yourself. this outlook, it’s this same that makes me know that, at the moment, no, recovery will not help me.

in order for someone to recover, they need to want it. they need to see for themselves why recovery is the best option. forcing it upon someone can only do so much, especially if they aren’t willing and resist you every step of the way. sometimes the person needs to be pushed towards wanting it, yeah, and sometimes that person will change their mind. 

and here’s another thing: just because i don’t want to recover, doesn’t mean that i think you’re crazy or dumb if you want to

it’s honestly so ridiculous that i need to explain this, but regarding recovery, my choices, actions, and behaviours do not match my beliefs. although i personally do not want to recover at the moment, i still believe that you, or someone struggling, should find the strength in them to go into recovery. 

the end, as well as a few resources

now, what you do with this information is up to you. you can choose to do some further research on the topic so you can understand better just what an eating disorder really feels like, or you can just ignore this, because, after all, i am just a messed up teenager who probably doesn’t know what she’s talking about (even though she has sources clearly listed below that are so painfully evident, even the most ignorant of tumblr users would be able to find them). i don’t know if i touched down on everything i wanted to cover, but hey, at least i tried, right?

either way, i wish you the best of luck, and hope you understand this a little better, and have a broader outlook on this whole topic. there is a plethora of information available to you at any time, and i strongly urge you to look into it before approaching someone with an eating disorder.

(1) - https://www.helpguide.org/articles/eating-disorders/binge-eating-disorder.htm/

(2) - https://www.eatingdisorders.org.au/eating-disorders/what-is-an-eating-disorder/classifying-eating-disorders/dsm-5

(3) - https://anad.org/education-and-awareness/about-eating-disorders/eating-disorders-statistics/

(4) - https://www.eatingdisorders.org.au/eating-disorders/what-is-an-eating-disorder/risk-factors

thank you for taking the time to read this, and i really, sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, hope that this can help someone

[unsuspectable-weirdo]

I need to vent a little about being locked out of certain fandoms I want to experience and enjoy because of my disorder so...

Tw eating disorders discussion under the cut, please dont proceed if descriptions of behaviours and intrusive thoughts can put you in a bad place

When I heard of Heartstopper getting a serie I saw everyone's excitement, and as I looked more into it I was too, it looked so good! So in the meantime I bought the first two books, and omg I loved them. If you know how the story continues you can guess the reason of this post.

My ED is... not going well, let's say. An euphemism, really, I still live with very fatphobic parents, still dance, and the damage done to me in my childhood cannot be worked through without proper therapy. Thing that, thanks to previously mentioned parents, I cant get.

I guess i just wanna vent about how damn sad and isolationg and dare I say... shameful, it feels, not to be able to enjoy something because it contains an experience, real and understable, that will trigger me into hurting myself more than I already do.

The thing is, I've dealt with bulimia alone and in secret for 8 years now. Came pretty close to heal once too, but unfortunate events made me relapse harder than before. Most days, the feeling is managable. Purging behaviour after dinner and lunch comes before i can think, but I can always eat breakfast unbothered. On better days, i dont throw up at all, and while it stresses me out a lot, i at least can rationalize i'm achieving something for myself.

All it takes is a comment, no matter if positive or negative, if directed at me or someone else. A picture. "Someone you know lost a lot of weight!" Such a competitive bastard of a disorder, this is. The things it starts telling me then, you see! They're doing good, better than you ever will! Everyone will be so proud and treat them well, you dont deserve that until youve lost more than them. Even if it's an impossible amount, and I know it would mean death. Sometimes that possibility doesn't even look scary, and in my lucid moments im horrified. Do something to be worthy, to feel good in comparison, so we can praise you. Feeling faint is good. Slapping and scratching yourself till your skin breaks is good, it will teach you better. This strangling anxiety is good, you will feel too nauseus to eat.

Another part of me is extremly affected by the looks of other people. In heartstopper, it's charlie the one with an ed. Always described as small, thin, light as a feather. "That someone who lost weight doesnt even look like their former self! Theyre so small!!"

I'm... short. I will never be able so see myself as small or thin. Nothing you show me can make me see what my mind shields from my eyes. But I over esagerate how small other people are. I do realize that, i felt so confused when a friend of mine said my clothes didn't fit her, i cant comprehend how we're not the same size. I fear i might have hurt them back then too. People looking all so thin to me, and especially if they did lose weight, it sparks genuine fear in me. Fear they might be going through the same as me. I don't want that for them, they dont deserve it, they're perfect. I'm the problem. Show them that I, bigger than them, can eat a lot and with gusto... see, they're doing it too now, I'm helping. Now throw it all up tho, you're done showing off. For fucks sake, i should have been anorexic instead of bulimic.

...i cant believe this is a train of thoughts i fall into as soon as i see a mention of eating disorders. This vile, violent and horryfing ride gets triggered at the drop of a hat. And I wanna clarify, i think the portraial of charlie's ed in heartstopper is really good and realistic! Both in motivation, triggers, thoughts and how to tackle it, from the little things i've unfortunately seen at least.

And yet it still keeps me from enjoying a very cute, earnest, important serie about teen queer romance that started out totally captivating me. I know too that my experiences are my own, and many people will feel seen and validated through this plot, i'm cheering for you.

I just cant help feeling sad

And I fear encountering media that don't treat this topic as gracefully as heartstopper does

[organized-chaotic-disaster]

TW eating disorders, ED, self harm, suicide, suicidal ideation

Okay so uh. I have an exam tomorrow and literally can't focus enough to study for it unless I talk about some stuff. So, I'm gonna do that. And no one has to read this, I just. I need to get some stuff off my chest I guess lol

This'll probably be triggering so PLEASE proceed with caution, especially if you've struggled with ED(s) in the past. Hell, I worry even for those who haven't struggled with ED(s) tbh, as they work in really... malicious ways, and even discussing them can cause someone to fall down their pit of despair, so, be careful okay?

Anyways

This'll be specifically about restrictive EDs, ergo anorexia and bulimia

So I read this book for class (not the one I have an exam in tomorrow) and it was about someone's experience with an eating disorder. They basically told their story, going into gruesome detail. And. It was rough. But also beautiful. And triggering. And made me realize some things I never knew before

I thought that eating disorders were simpler than they really are - you have trouble with eating, whether that be restrictive or binge-purging, largely because of one or more of the following reasons:

Poor self-image (often weight-related, or even just in general, but you focus on your weight) (also often related to body dysmorphia/BDD)

A need to feel "in control"

A need to be "good enough" or "perfect"

But this book, it showed me that there's so much more nuance to it. Nuance that I never knew, or realized, even as someone who struggled with EDs myself. And who thought I was faking it (though we'll get to that later)

When the author went into inpatient, they talked a lot about this competitive aspect of EDs. The culture in the treatment center, among the patients, was to be the Sickest

The book also had a foreword discussing this aspect of EDs, and how they were worried about writing about their experience because of it

It's an aspect I've never seen discussed before. And one that I deeply relate to

Hell, the whole reason I started doing it in the first place, was something sick and twisted and something I've hated myself for 10+ years for now. I started it because I wanted it

Fucked up, isn't it?

I literally "researched" (aka went on google) anorexia and how many calories we were supposed to eat per day, and purposefully went under that designated minimum-calorie-count and imitated anorexic behaviour

I wasn't full-in on the pr0ana community, but I browsed forums and did look up thinsp0 now and then

I wanted to be sick, I wanted to be anorexic and to overcome it so people could look up to me

It made me sick, but not in the way I wanted to be

It still does, to this way, and is my biggest regret in life. Truly

And, I realized, that when I stopped this, when I tried forcing myself to recover (which didn't take that long and wasn't that hard - more proof to myself that I was Faking It the Whole Time), my self harm got worse. I think I know why now

I thought it was just the stress of recovery - which could have played a role, to be sure - but I think it was also this desire for self-destruction and to be the Sickest of Them All just transferring itself over to something else. "Fine, you don't wanna try being anorexic anymore? Then we'll just make sure you self-harm and are depressed as fuck and want to die every day. We'll make you the sickest, just watch me"

And that feeling has been there, in the back of my mind, for the entire time. I just never wanted to admit it. To confront it. Because who would want to admit to that?

When I recovered from my eating disorder, I treated the basic eating issue, partook in body positivity, and told myself that there were more important things in life than my appearance. I thought that was all there was to it. But I never treated the core problem of that desire to be sick. And I hated it so much that I never really confronted, or acknowledged, it. I just continued to hate myself in the back of my mind

But I now see that this is a feeling that's present in other people who've struggled with EDs. I don't know if it's part of EDs, or if it's something else entirely that often coincides with EDs. But it's there. And I feel so comforted, and so seen

I'm emotional

And this is something that I'm processing, and will probably be processing for a while

Anyway, if you read this, thank you for listening to my story <3

[dearmyblank]

dear anyone who is willing to listen, tw: eating disorder Two months ago I was hospitalised and had to undergo surgery for a broken hernia, an acute appendicitis and adhesions. Due to these I was sick all the time and around a week before surgery I mostly couldn’t eat anymore. I lost weight. Not too much but considering my height and the weight before it was quite something. My stomach was basically flat. I tracked the weight to oversee how much it was, how much worse the condition got. Before getting sick I never knew how much I weighted because in 8th grade I fought hard to slip out of anorexic behaviour, so I completely stopped checking my weight. And then I had to. The worst part was that before I actually wanted to loose weight, but in a healthy way. Now I did loose weight and I as much as I refused to see it, I liked it and that killed me on the inside. Surgery went well but of course afterwards my stomach was kind of bloated. I wasn’t sick anymore, I could eat normal, the bloating went away with time. My whole family urged me to put on the bit of weight I lost but I never really intended to do so. It wasn’t much and I was comfortable, so why not? Then things started to get hard with a certain friend again and since we’d had problems on and off for around a year, that kept breaking little parts of me. It was a situation I couldn’t control because I was only loosely involved in the actual argument while being the topic of it. Time came for our annual school trip, to Italy this time. That’s when it started again. Breakfast wasn’t good so the third morning I stopped eating it. No big deal, I still ate lunch and dinner and there was no way to check my weight which probably helped. But I did loose some weight; we talked a lot in Italy, my surgery scars acted up again and things with my friends got worse and it pulled me down. Back home and on the run for the next holiday, everything with the flight went wrong so the mood was horrible and I missed the girl I like and I didn’t know what to do. I skipped the first breakfast and my parents started giving me shit for still being so skinny after the surgery. I put on some weight again due to lunch by the beach which my parents wanted and buffet for dinner. Back home I had put on some weight and then it went down. I started seeing where I could skip a meal without people noticing. I lied to myself. Saying it was about the fact that more weight hurt the scars, which it did though that wasn’t the main reason of course. I was so angry at myself for having lost that body I had and had wanted so I started trying to eat less. Sometime last week my parents got suspicious, kinda checking on my eating. I am scared I can’t stop this. I tell myself I’m in control, I still eat but I know there is something going wrong. I came back from the hospital and since then I’ve been going down this road and while I hate it, it also makes me feel in control. I hate it and I don’t and I don’t know what to do. I keep telling myself I’ll stop at some point but I am scared that I won’t be able to whenever I reach it. It’s intoxicating, in the worst way possible. It’s controlling and mostly lets itself be controlled. I hope I can get away from it. I didn’t survive 8th grade for this. I’m sorry if this triggered someone but I needed to get this out because there isn’t anyone I can go to. slightly scared, v

[ineffablecatblog]

Myself and I: weight and shape.

WARNING: I’m gonna talk about eating disorders and mental health issues, so if you know you’re gonna be easily triggered by that, please consider not reading my post. Also, if you’re in trouble, please get help. <3

(Also, sorry for the shit photo quality. Ok thx bye <3)

Ahhh... the everlasting issue that rules a big part world: looks.

Before I start preaching, I’m gonna tell you my journey so far.

It probably started with other people. Models. Girls that open Victoria’s Secret Shows with their glorious wings spread from their back. Elegant, sexy, cute. On the cover of fashion magazines, in bikinis, with their perfect long hair flowing in the wind of the waves. Naturally sexy beautiful. Isn’t this, what a girl dreams of?

At least this was what I dreamt of since I looked in the mirror at age 12 and said to myself: You are too fat. I had been a healthy, normal child until I got to 5th grade and my mental health (that was crumbling apart from multiple events in my life coming together) took effect on my body, making me gain weight. I wanted to be skinnier, “more beautiful”, more “elegant”. I wanted the “perfect body” so people would like me (not that they didn’t, but I had no idea that I was so mentally ill). My best friend in 6th grade was skinny, and no matter what she ate, she did not gain a single little gram ever. Little did I know that she was insecure about that, I just saw how funny and beautiful and skinny she was and how the boys and our friends liked her.  I heard people talk about how they needed to lose weight, even if they were in a normal, healthy shape. So, if they needed to lose five pounds, I needed to lose ten.

It got worse and worse for a few years. 2013 was probably the worst year of my life. Age 15, it wasn’t just about losing my baby belly rolls and a pound here and there. I stood in front of my mirror, looked at myself, and then I looked at pictures on Instagram and tumblr. Of people with thigh gaps, and small arms, and their ribs sticking out. And I was determined to disappear. My goal wasn’t to just be skinny, I didn’t want people to ask me if I had lost weight, I wanted people to be concerned for my health because I wanted to be a skeleton - underweight. Can we just hold on for a second and acknowledge how sick that is? I starved myself, I threw up, binged on unhealthy food and cried. I was depressed, which also came with other effects. That was my life for a long, long while. At least two years I also spent every day at the gym. I. Needed. To. Be. Skinny.

People in my life left and came, and I met a boy that was anorexic by the end of 2013, or maybe even at the beginning of 2014. I’m not going into detail about him, but he’s an important part of my story. Him and I, we had nothing in life. We hated our own bodies as much as we clung on to each other. We kept each other from killing ourselves, as far as we could, and it luckily somewhat worked out, as you can tell by me writing this post right now. If it wasn’t for him, it’s safe to say that I would been dead for a long time right now. If you ever happen to read this, you know who you are and you know that I love you so much and I’m so proud of you. He recovered pretty well, but it took a long time. And so did I. At least that’s what I thought.

Time passed, and I kinda got “better”. I didn’t want to starve myself as much anymore, started therapy for multiple reasons (mainly my bpd and the behaviour that came with it) at the beginning of 2015 and found a way of thinking more and more towards accepting myself.

I then looked at people on Instagram with big butts, big thighs, big hips, and I thought “If they’re not skinny and still look this good, I don’t need to be skinny. I wanna look like that, not like a stick!” And I thought that this meant I had defeated my eating disorder, because I didn’t want to be skinny anymore. Obviously, I was wrong. I was still not happy with my body, I just had different but also unrealistic standards for myself. My bones just aren’t structured to give me a big, juicy booty with strong thighs, a curvy middle with a teeny tiny waist. I just couldn’t see that the model industry had changed and that this was still something everyone else was telling me. I thought I wanted to look like that for myself.

I just wanna quickly interrupt and talk about Kylie Jenner for a second, because that is exactly what that girl did. She was stick skinny, got surgery and suddenly had an a$$, tits and curves that were never there before. I see and realize that now, but I wouldn’t have two years ago. This girl just decided to not go through puberty, not accept herself and not move on. And this is an A+ example of why young girls have to go through the sh!t I have gone through and still am going through. She is the unrealistic, abnormal image of what I wanted to look like at age 17.

I have mixed feelings about the “selflove” campaign that has been going strong since about two years ago now. People have started promoting acceptance from yourself towards your own body. And they’re telling you to LOVE YOURSELF, and to SHOW YOUR CURVES!

I’m gonna show you a couple of pictures, since that is what influences people on the internet the most. We like visuals, and that’s okay.

As you can see, I’m not stick thin. I still have fat on my body, but I’m not overweight. I am confident, because I show my body on the internet like that, right? I love myself, otherwise I wouldn’t be showing off my figure, right? Selflove2kblablabla, right?

While this seems so real, it’s still so full of lies.

What you don’t see is that I needed about 20 attempts to take these pictures. 1) because my hands were shaky - because I hadn’t eaten more than two muffins and a slice of toast (unintentionally!!!) 2) because I needed to find good angles, lighting and poses 3) because I kept repositioning my sweats so they would compliment my body. What you don’t see is that I am heating up the oven to make myself some dinner full of carbohydrates.  What you don’t see is that I also literally dug into food right after I took these.

I’m now gonna post something that I have probably never really posted online before, so this is in fact a very big deal for me.

Relaxed. I have literally the worst posture on the planet, I have hip rolls and belly rolls and I have rolls on my back. BUT ALL PEOPLE HAVE ROLLS, ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY SIT DOWN.

It is complete and utter bullshit if you think differently.

My point here isn’t that you should look like me or act about it like me. I’m not here to say “hey, look how skinny I am” or “hey, look how curvy I am” or “hey, look how many flaws I have”. I’m not here to be fricking all-loving Jesus about every shape and form that the human body can have, because there ARE unhealthy bodies that are underweight or overweight and that do in fact need to be taken care of.  I don’t even surely know if I even have a point here at all. I have also already realized that my fingers can’t keep up with my train of thoughts, and a lot of things are unfinished here and might not really make sense to you. But have you ever met someone with the nicest smile and the cutest laugh and the warmest heart and thought: “Damn, they really need to take care of their weight, phu!” Because you very well know that if the character is golden, it doesn’t matter which case holds it. You know very well that you don’t care what someone looks like as long as they treat you well (unless you’re a f#cking tw#t). So, if you don’t look at someone and judge them by their body shape, why would anyone that is in their right mind do that to you?

I know that this doesn’t mean much to somebody who struggles. I know that I still need to remind myself of this (at least!!!!) five times a day because I still struggle.

Maybe I’ll always struggle. I just today said “I want to lose weight” and that’s because I know I will have better chances at learning figure skating (on ice) if I am stronger, a bit fitter and more flexible, which means I’ll have to train and work out. 

But do you spot the difference here? This is about achieving a healthy, non-look-related goal for myself. If I had to gain weight to be better at this sport, I’d do it. This is not about wanting to be skinny, this is about wanting to improve skills. I might not even have to lose the few pounds, but it’ll probably come naturally once I actually start training and eating healthier.

I don’t know what I’m saying, neither do I know if you got something out of this post at all, and I’m sorry that this is still so “pure” and unstructured, I haven’t figured out how to properly structure and theme and plan a blog post yet, but I want to share words about my issues with social media and weight, and what better place to start than from within?

Please let me know what you think! Feel free to anonymously leave me a message or reply to this post! <3

[yrtse]

Watching old videos from a time when I was super-anorexic is so weird, because I remember all my thoughts about all the people’s bodies, it was literally all I was thinking about, but since I’m not like that anymore those thoughts are also so estranged to me, I do not understand them, and I can see how weird and obsessive they were. Healing from such an illness is so strange, because there is such a clear distinction between the « you » at that time and the « you » that you are now that you see them as someone else entirely. Someone who didn’t think like you at all. But somehow they were you.

[leaving-anorexia-behind]

09.01.16

TW

Oh gosh, today’s been difficult. as well as a rollercoaster! Let me start from the beginning.

6am- weigh in. Awful, difficult feelings, number shooting through the roof and thoughts that turn into a spin. Well they try but I’m so doped up on medication I barely see straight and bump into the wall on my way out. Back to sleep for me, until breakfast that it is. I actually enjoyed breakfast! I had peanut butter and jam on toast with a banana. I like this choice. Tomorrow I’m having weetabix and banana :) 

The dietician calls to speak with me. She goes through my now called “intolerance” rather than allergy, she wants to see how my body reacts with dairy. Brilliant. I tried to explain I’d tried many times to have it in my diet but it hadn’t worked out very well. She shakes her head, saying it’s a typical “anorexic behaviour” and she needs to clarify to be sure. If I don’t have the dairy, I have the fortisip. Simple. So not only am I going to try and force food down that I don’t want, I’m also going to feel even more ill after (lets face it refeeding isn’t exactly comfortable at the best of times!).

I thought I was meant to be trying to develop a healthy relationship with food?! She says I can have soya milk (as milk is highest in lactose compared to yoghurt and ice cream). I hate soya milk and actually really like soya vanilla ice cream, it’s a million times tastier than the normal one! I cried and got frustrated as clearly, she wouldn’t listen to me, despite trying hard. I am very aware of what is an ED thought and what isn’t when it comes to like, dislikes and things that make me feel ill!

I cry hard when the dietician leaves and after calming myself down call the day unit. My key worker answers and I take a breath. I tell her I want to come back as a day patient, that I will do better and here isn’t the right place for me. She is firm but kind in her tone, saying she can’t have me there as I’m too poorly and medically at risk. I feel angry at her, but she says it’s because she cares and that it’s the anorexia talking to her. She repeats back to me what I have said and I realise that yes I’m afraid of the dairy but at least I have the milk as soya which was always the main issue (non-ED thing) in the first place and my dietician may be right, I may have grown out of my intolerance. She says she will have me back when I am stronger and I have to leave for snack.