#turns out i was processing emotions about my actual life i forgot it had

[phantom-of-the-501st]

So I just clocked why ep 9 was so therapeutic for me yesterday

It actually touched on some topics that were really helpful for me to think about this week. Today could have been kinda rough (1 year anniversary of crappy personal life stuff etcetera etcetera) but episode 9 let me see people dealing with feelings that I needed to work through myself. I got so wrapped up in the episode that I didn't realise that I was actually just giving myself a little therapy session yesterday. 😅

Honestly, this episode connecting to so many people on a personal level makes me so happy. 🥰 This is why animation is a valid form of media, people!

(And side note: to the autistic folks who felt seen by Tech this episode, I'm so glad you're getting the representation you deserve!!! 🩷).

[almadelsur]

💋 The Secrets One Keeps

summary: You're in love with jj but he's with kie, so in moments of pure desperation you often find yourself turning to the person he hates the most...rafe

warnings: some good old angsty pining, very very slight smut if you squint, fem!reader, one or two uses of y/n, plz let me know if I missed anything

a/n: SHE'S BACKKKK, so I've decided to completely reformat and re-post this fic with a few tweaks and editing considering i first wrote this like 3 years ago, and yes for those of you who have been asking, I fully intend to finallly continue this fic....more info on that later ;)

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。..・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・

JJ’s eyes change the moment Kiara steps into any room. Immediately his presence is ripped away from your immediate atmosphere, popping the little bubble you'd spent all afternoon crafting as he sprung up to greet the olive-skinned enigma that captured his affections.

“Kie!” The joy in his tone was incomparable to anything he’d directed at anybody else. Nothing could draw out such happiness from the blonde. You hated that about her.

In an attempt at self-defense, your brain shut itself off. Shielding you from processing the scene in front of you, your emotions ran cold like cement pouring down and across your neurons. It was the only way you could survive such a beating to your heart.

You figured that by distancing yourself mentally, you wouldn’t have to raise suspicion and distance yourself physically. In reality, you knew the real reasoning was your inability to stay away from JJ but the facade helped you cope.

“Hey J” she embraced him and his body relaxed around her as if she was the only source of his happiness. The only way he’d find alleviation from what he perceived as a shitty life being through her. “Sorry I’m late my parents had me running like crazy at the wreck today.”

Scattered greetings filled the air from the rest of the pogues, yet you could only focus on the way his eyes fixated on her like she was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

“Here come sit baby” he offered her the seat he had just previously been place holding. What you thought had been quality time with your best friend, presented itself to you now as momentary attention to pass the time until his actual desire arrived.

Settling herself down and offering you a wide smile, her shoulder bumped against yours gently as a sign of acknowledgment.

“Hey dude” she directed at you, but you didn’t reply. You just couldn’t bring yourself to pretend. Not today anyway. Instead, you offered her a small smile, it was minimal but it was the best you could do under the circumstances.

“Yo" A crumpled tissue paper flew at your head, jj attempting to refocus your attention on him, "didn’t you say you were gonna get some water or something?” He spoke up, the scheme evident in his tone.

“um yeah I guess” You lifted yourself up and took a few steps before jj used the opportunity to slump himself down where you had been sat and sprawled his arms across his girlfriend’s shoulders.

“snooze ya loose sucker” he joked as he turned to Kiara to start up some mindless conversation. Leaving you behind in the dust.

Your teeth gritted as you focused on making your way to the kitchen hoping the distance from the scene unfolding would lift the iron grip on your heart.

You made the fatal mistake of glancing back and you were met with the image of jj nuzzling up to kiara in a picturesque display of love. The lump building at the base of your throat indicated that it was your time to get the hell out of there before you broke down in front of everyone. 

“Shit guys, y’know what I just realized I gotta go” You spoke quickly, your tone matching your pace as you rushed to the exit of the chateau. 

“You’re still coming to the party later though right?” John B asked, not tearing his eyes away from the screen in front of him. 

“Mhm yeah sure” you opened the door ready to depart. 

“Shit I forgot about that! Me and jj are gonna be late, we got dinner at the wreck tonight.” kiara added as you stepped out, unable to control the escape of a rogue tear.

“Date night babyyyy” You heard JJ cheer before you slammed the door behind you. 

“Is Y/N okay? She seemed a bit off.” Kie nudged JJ as she questioned. 

JJ furrowed his eyebrows momentarily. Glancing out the window, he saw you jog away from the house, and a brief flash of worry flashed through his mind. As quick as it came, it dissipated. He shook his head figuring that if there had been something wrong, he’d have been the first to know. 

“Nah she’s okay don't worry.” he offered to kie.

Boy was he mistaken. 

——————————————————————

“Fuuuck me” you moaned out, sinking into him one last time. You were hot, sweaty, and heaving as you pulled him out of you.

“I thought I just did” Rafe taunted leaning back to lie down, arms crossed behind his head causing his taut abdomen to flex.

You scrambled off the bed, picking up your garments and shoving them back on your body forcefully.

“What, no pillow talk?” He tried again.

“Rafe..” you trailed off. Whenever you’d finish fucking, you’d struggle to even look at him. The self-hatred flooded your body as soon as the orgasm poured out.

“Hey you called me” he eyed you intently but you knew he didn’t actually care. To rafe cameron everything was just a game. At this point it was pretty much common knowledge. “In fact” he moved closer to you so that he could speak directly into your ear “It’s always you that calls me.”

“Don’t be a dick” you stood up and eyed your heels contemplating whether you could face the walk back in them. “You know it makes me feel like shit.” It might have sounded brutal but that’s how things were with rafe.

“Yeah, it’s like you punctuate your orgasms with self-hate.”

“I'm a pogue, rafe.” You argued back as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“So? Kooks and pogues can fuck you know.” You couldn’t comprehend why you were even having this conversation. Why now, why tonight.

“Yeah maybe, not you though.” You didn’t want to tell him the reason explicitly.

“I fuck pogues.”

“You fuck anyone.” The words came out almost instantly and without thinking, yet rafe took no offense.

“Exactly so what’s the issue?”

“The issue is, rafe.” You paused trying to find the words without actually having to say the words. “The issue is that if my friends found out they’d hate me, probably more than I already hate myself.”

He just chuckled, the look in his eyes changing as he figured you out.

“What's funny?” You challenged.

“You don’t have to bullshit me princess.” He looked up at you with a devilish glint in his eye. “You just don’t want jj knowing about your little escapades huh?” Bingo.

“He’s with Kiara.” You shrugged him off.

“Uh huh, you like him but you can’t have him.” Every word he spoke striking a nerve deep within you. “So you’re fucking me to fuck him over.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” You grabbed your heels and shoved them on, wincing as you buckled them up.

“Don’t I?” He threw his joggers on lazily as he stood, the level dynamics changing significantly. The older boy towered over you. “Where are they tonight?”

“Back at John B’s, we had a little get-together.” You crossed your arms. More often than not you usually called rafe after a few drinks left you feeling lonely. “Sorry, your invite must have gotten lost in the mail.” You attempted to jab at him with sarcasm yet he clearly held the upper hand with his line of questioning. 

“So all of them are there now?” He stepped towards you.

“Mhm,” You lied.

“Even jj?” Moving closer until your neck was craned upwards to meet his eyes.

Taking your silence as an answer, he reached up and ran his palms across your upper arms, prompting you to uncross them.

“He was uh- him and kie should be getting there soon” You mumbled.

“So would i be wrong in guessing, that might have prompted your call then?” You let yourself be guided by his movements leaning your neck further back as his hand trailed up to your jawbone.

“rafe…” you called out insignificantly.

He leaned in and pressed his lips against your neck, right over where he could feel your pulse, and pressed down.

You couldn’t help the gasp that left your mouth. Because as much as your heart belonged to jj, rafe was just so fucking good at raising your temperature.

“Round two?” He mumbled against your neck.

“Yeah..” you attempted yet it came out as a whisper. He grabbed you swiftly and lifted you, moving you across the room and throwing you down onto his bed, crawling on top of you in a predatory manner as he did so. As your back hit the bed, the ringing of your phone brought you back from the haze he had you under. 

“Wait rafe stop stop” you pushed him off and grabbed the screeching mobile, pressing it up to your ear. “Hello?”

“Dude, where are you?” The sound of jj’s voice came through over the pumping sound of music and party chatter. “Me and Kie just got back and John B says no one’s seen you for like over an hour.”

“Oh I’m uh, I had to go do something for my mom” The lie pouring out of your mouth caused rafe to chuckle which was of course met by a slap from you signaling for him to be quiet.

“Oh well, when are you getting back? I have to tell you about this date. You’re gonna be so proud of me I actually think I’m ready to tell Kie I love her” you screwed your eyes shut as he spoke.

“Yeah I- you know what I can’t make it back my mom needs me to stay and help out but uh I’ll see you tomorrow or something.” You hung up before he could even reply, throwing your phone down uncaring of its state.

“What’s wrong? They getting hitched?” Rafe spoke up from behind you.

You turned to Rafe, the fire in your veins pushing your arms to grab him, roughly pulling him back onto you.

“Just shut up and fuck me rafe.”

And fuck you he did.

——————————————————————

The next morning you woke up to the sight of rafe’s bare back. Not much of a cuddler, you figured.

Quietly you pushed the covers off and began to dress yourself back up. As you got to your shoes you sighed and shook your head, as if there was any way in hell you were going to walk home in heels. You scooped up your shoes and your now-cracked phone shaking your head, slightly ashamed at your outburst.

Without even a second glance at the sleeping body you were leaving behind, you made your way over to the door. As you turned the knob and stepped out to leave, a husky voice spoke up.

“I’ll keep my ringer on for you babe.”

You rolled your eyes looking back at him, “Fuck you rafe.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m counting on.” He didn’t even open his eyes as he answered, instead just rustling around in the bed and turning to the other side, once again facing his back to you.

You scoffed as you exited. Your internal rant clouded your vision, body on autopilot with an excellent self-navigation of the Cameron house from the countless times you’d made this exit.

“Y/N?” The gentle voice wiped your thoughts clean as the shock stilled you dead in your tracks, slowly turning to come face to face with none other than Sarah.

“Sarah” you drawled out. “What are you doing here?”

“It’s my house?” Her head was cocked to the side, equally shocked to see you.

“No I just mean- I thought you were spending the night at John B’s.” You forced the small talk, avoiding the topic of why you were here, sneaking out at 8 in the morning.

“He had to work today, did you spend the night here?” She glanced up at the door of rafe’s bedroom.

“Umm-“ There had only been two other instances where you had been at a complete loss for words. The day jj told you he and Kiara were dating, the morning after your first sexual encounter with rafe, and now this.

“Are you sleeping with my brother?!” She whisper-shouted, eyes wide as the realization hit her. Busted.

“No?”

“Oh my god!” She grabbed you by the wrist and dragged you to her room, slamming the door as soon as you were both inside. “How long has this been going on?!” Her tone was loud and her hands wild as she interrogated you.

“Just a little under a year.” You sat on her bed and looked at your lap as you spoke. Reminiscent of a child being scolded.

“A year?! Oh my god!” She repeated. “Who knows about this?!”

With that, you looked up at her desperately. “No one. No one knows so please don’t tell them.” You didn’t have to name names for her to know who you were referring to.

“Are you two like” she paused “together?” She scrunched her nose up, disgusted at the thought of her bully of an older brother dating anyone.

“No god no. It’s just sex” you were just as uncomfortable as Sarah was, having to tell her about boning her older brother.

“Disgusting.” She turned away from you with her arms crossed, looking out the window.

“Look I’m not proud of it okay? Just-“ You sighed “Just please don’t tell anyone” pleading again.

Sarah let out a long sigh and uncrossed her arms. She walked over to you and joined you on the bed, her eyes showing concern mixed with something you couldn’t quite place your finger on.

“I thought you were into jj” she spoke softly, there it was. Pity.

“Yeah well, jj is with kie and instead of sitting around wallowing in self-pity, I decided to do something about it.” As the words left your mouth, you realized how weak the explanation was.

“So you just use rafe to bang the jj out of you.”

“It’s not like Rafe cares, if anything he’s also using me.” You tried to reason.

“I don’t doubt that. But I mean, that’s- It’s not healthy, you’ll never move on if you don’t actually process your emotio-“

“Look Sarah, I don’t need to do any of that shit okay? What I have here works, when I fu- when I’m with rafe, I don’t think about jj.” Tears began to swell in your eyes “Sleeping with rafe helps me forget about everything, even if it’s only for a little while he uh- he makes me feel good.” To an extent, there was truth behind your words, while you and rafe fucked the rest of the world went away. It was only after, that the crippling self-hatred hit you along with the return of your immense feelings for jj. 

Sarah shuffled over and threw her arm around you. “That’s not good for you, it’s just momentary. It’s easy and it's a cycle, you’re never going to get better going down this path. Especially not with rafe.”

“Rafe he’s- he’s not that bad.”

“Yes he is. But i bet it gives you satisfaction fucking him knowing jj hates him. Feels like revenge right?” She’d always been so perceptive your Sarah, you hated how she could see right through you.

Tears ran down your cheek silently. “You’re not gonna tell anyone right?” You sniffled.

She gave you one of those classic salt-of-the-earth Sarah Cameron smiles, the kinda smile that would light up any room she walked into. “Takin' it to the grave babe.”

A loud beeping caused both your heads to whip towards the window. “Shit, I completely forgot I was supposed to go on the HMS with pope and jj, we were gonna chill there until John B and Kie finished work.” She rose to her feet and extended an arm towards you. “Wanna come? Or we could drop you home if you’re not up for it.”

With a sigh you took her hand and pulled yourself up, walking beside her as you mentally prepped yourself to face the blonde you desperately pined for.

“Well rise and shine campers.” jj yelled out of the window of the drivers seat.

“Y/N! Where you been dude? you totally bailed last night.” Pope was next to speak as you and Sarah filed into the Twinkie. As JJ began to drive you avoided any form of eye contact in his general direction.

“I had to go help my mom out, blackout at mine again.” You didn’t even look at pope either, instead focusing your attention on the blur of trees and houses pacing by the window as JJ sped down the winding roads.

“Isn’t that what you were wearing last night?” pope, observant as always, pointed out.

“Uh yeah, I didn’t really get any time to change cause…”

“I called her last night when I got home, I was so drunk I don’t think I was ready to stop the party.” Sarah covered for you.

“Yeah I wrapped up helping my mom out and then this one calls me talkin bout a sleepover or something so I didn’t exactly have much time to change.” 

Thankfully pope had lost interest as soon as he had asked the question, otherwise, your overcompensating ass would have been caught out straight away. You always had to add to the lie until you felt like you had sold it completely.

Keeping your eyes trained on the outside meant that jj’s frown directed at you through the windscreen mirror went completely undetected. He always knew whenever there was something up with you and right there and then he knew something definitely was.

“Hey, you okay?” He didn’t need to address you explicitly for you to know he was talking to you.

“Yeah just tired.” You shrugged him off in an attempt to distance yourself from him yet again.

He knew you were lying but he didn’t understand why, you never lied to each other. Apart from John B, the pair of you were closer to each other than with anybody else in the group. You’d been best friends since kindergarten, and since then you’d sworn 3 things to each other.

1- You’d always share your snacks.

2-You’d always be best friends even if you argued.

 3- You would never ever lie or keep secrets from each other.

Of course, as the both of you grew older the rules became more and more lax. The snack sharing was limited only to when you felt nice enough and sometimes you’d go for days without making up if you had argued particularly badly. Having kept two friendship-breaking secrets from him, the childhood rules seemed pretty insignificant by now.

“Mhm,” he responded, flickering his eyes between you and the road. “Are we taking you home to change first?”

“Yeah, I don’t know if I’ll join you guys afterward though.” You chewed down on your nail anxiously as the tension from being in the same space as jj paired with the guilt from having fucked rafe prior, suffocated you.

JJ made a face as he focused on the road, something was wrong with you and he’d be dammed if he wasn’t going to put his everything into finding out what that was.

[zhuoyichenpretty]

Ep 22-23 Commentary

Ha...I was inexplicably nervous for eps 22-23 and it looks like I was right to be (-: What a rollercoaster. Spoilers below!

I've just come out of ep 23 and uh????? holy shit????? ZYC????

Ok ok but to backtrack, let's do my comments semi-chronologically:

Ep 22:

A carry-over from ep 21 that I have to mention—heck yeah PSJ give WZY hell. She doesn't have all that many lines but she sure knows how to make them count. Also seeing PSJ and WX get screen time just the two of them makes my brain go "yay <3"

Back to ep 22, loved the fake-out sundial ayeee that was a nice Chekhov's gun that also brings the real sundial back into relevance for later. Also me eating up the PSJ and ZYC crumb of an interaction has brought to my attention how starved I am of their screen time together.

This whole ep was a great lament towards the feared inevitable. Every sad downcast look from ZYC, every complicated glance WX gives him. A wonderful, terrible crossroads for these characters. I love that for ZYC especially, it's such an incredible mess of emotion coming to a head. Bad enough that he's come to care about the demon who killed his family and ruined his life, bad enough that he's sworn a blood oath he regrets and tied himself to punishing someone he no longer finds culpable, bad enough that ZYZ's life or death depends solely on his choice and ZYZ is constantly practically begging for death when ZYC wants him to live. How much immensely worse it makes the whole situation that WX is literally ZYZ's soulmate. And obviously the whole team has only grown more and more attached to ZYZ, too. ZYC's personal turmoil aside, how heavy must that responsibility and guilt be? For the finishing blow that only he can deliver to also deeply threaten every other person he cares about? Everyone understands in the abstract what must happen and why, but just like seeing ZYZ lose control firsthand, the gulf between understanding and experiencing is so unimaginably wide. If he kills ZYZ, can there really be no resentment from his friends? From WX?

Also it seems ZYC only wears cloaks so that he can give them to other people lmao

Ah fuck, the farewell drinks. I didn't even factor in how ZYC might not survive the encounter (''': The drama truly was like hm can we possibly give ZYC a worse day than that night his whole fam died? Maybe give him a bunch of new family members and also the blade and the fate and the sole responsibility to potentially irrevocably scar said family members with? And he might die in the process too? (-: haha maybe? (((-:

Oh. Oh. Addendum. I forgot this til I saw it mentioned in another post—ZYC recounting his oath as he watched WX smile when they discussed reviving the tree...I could feel him weighing those words against his own life, against ZYZ's life, against WX's happiness. One way out of this impossible situation is indeed to doom himself. I'm in pieces.

Damn if WX isn't dedicated heart and soul, going into the sundial like that. I'm sad no one could keep her company for those 300 years but also I guess that's kind of an impossible ask (and maybe not survivable for the other non-goddess mortals? I'm admittedly very unclear on sundial time loophole logistics). It would have been nice to see someone offer though, even just to be turned down.

Ooh I like the soul needle fake-out, given this show's penchant for retroactive "actually we had a plan all along" moments. A good subversion of the narrative's own style.

Also I saved this for the end because it doesn't really fit the linearity of my comments but what the fuuuuuuuck oh my god I absolutely flipped out at this scene:

I am at once rabidly intrigued and at the same time not sure if I'll be satisfied with whatever payoff will come for this so I don't want to overindulge in theorizing and setting my own expectations too high. Maybe this is just a fevered hallucination, maybe it means nothing (I hope it means something). But damn!!! What a gorgeous man crazy scene.

In conclusion, ep 22 had some good stuff for me. Plot development and reflection and tension enough that I may have been satisfied with just that one episode. But they gave us two, so onward to ep 23 comments!

Ep 23:

I like how many solid reasons the team has to suspect ZYC being possessed. Even though I withheld judgment during my watch given how quickly the show usually confirms that kind of stuff with a possession mark, just simply casting that doubt made the whole build up that much more intense.

ZYC slowly walking down the corridor with the whole grounds lit a somber and haunting gold—*chef's kiss*

ZYC's monologue to a catatonic ZYZ is so important to me. The closest we'll get to his internal monologue about this whole situation. The kinds of things said when we think there's no conscious listener.

Okay so, having finished this episode and looking back, Li Lun's hands coming up from behind ZYC was not to denote possession (at least in this episode), potentially is a visual from ZYZ's POV, and seems related to the above screencap. I am so, so curious. Once again, I'm stopping myself from further speculation because I want to be surprised but ahhhhhhhhh

PSJ shooting at Ao Yin is so gorgeous. Her action scenes seriously never disappoint—the creativity of her fight choreos!! Also very cool that the whole team is getting to take part in the action, not just the two male leads.

Bai Jiu possession was not on my bingo card but I sure do love that we literally saw the possession take place and I still didn't connect the dots. Good shitttt. Also oh no ): ZYC was telling the truth about the soul needle, he was just tricked ):

Seriously from the Ao Yin case to getting PSJ released to reviving the Divine Wood to getting tricked by possessed!Bai Jiu to making pear soup to fighting ZYZ to fighting Li Lun—when will ZYC get a single goddamn vacation day holy shit.

Also when will WX tear up that contract so ZYZ can stop having a mild heart attack every time he wants to kiss her ): &I love that they saved the 300-year montage for this moment. While their ship doesn't give me brainrot personally, who could be unmoved by that incredible and undisclosed sacrifice? That's soulmatism.

Okay, I'd seen clips of them filming the ZYC and Li Lun fight but damn I did not expect it'd be happening right now!! Right after already taking damage from ZYZ? And my god is Li Lun brutal. The two actors did such an impressive job on this entire fight, what with Li Lun's ease and ZYC's suffering. I really appreciated the extensive hand-to-hand combat after Li Lun literally obliterated ZYC's sword. (Also though, given the origin of that sword, I kept hoping for a flashback to ZYC's brother once it broke, but alas, no dice.) Anyway, the show does not play around about ZYC whump it seems. I was very very shook by that throat punch; that shit legitimately looked like it hurt.

Honestly, I had a hard time with the extended ZYZ and Li Lun conversation at the very end because oh my god someone please heal ZYC lmao. But of course, that's the end of the episode~~

Y'all...check on your local ZYC stans because I was not okay after all that (': I need a heaping dose of comfort after all that hurt, but as always I'm cautious of hoping for much from canon itself. So yeah! Ep 23 was solid, but I would probably be in better shape if today's release just ended on ep 22 ((':

Time to go wait for the cast's Hi6 episode to drop so I can heal my battered heart ;-;

[themultifandomgal]

From 2010- Zach Sang Show

Part 54

2016

“I’m hanging out in the studio right now with YN YLN”

“Hi. Thanks for having me” I smile at Zach

“Thank you for being here. How are you feeling? A lot is happening right now for you. This is your first solo interview, your releasing your first solo album and your going on tour with Justin Bieber. Like does it feel strange without the boys with you?”

“Yes really strange” I nod nervously laughing

“Have you spoken to any of them or seen them since last year?”

“Yeah we text each other at least once a week. I spent new year with Harry which was lovely”

“How do you feel about being solo?”

“It’s mixed emotions really. I’m so excited to release the album and go on tour, but I’m also so scared. Like when I was with the boys I had that constant support, if I forgot lyrics they were there to help me, but now I’m on my own”

“Let’s talk about your upcoming album. You let me listen to it before hand and it’s a masterpiece”

“Aww thank you” I shift in my seat

“What was the writing process like? You wrote My Everything/Ghostin’ and ‘Break Your Heart Right Back on tour didn’t you?”

“Yeah. I’m so grateful for Liam, Harry, Louis and Niall for helping me turn my thoughts into songs. They started off as random sentences in my notebook. I never planned on making them into actual songs but then Harry got hold of my note book and within a few weeks on tour we had wrote the two songs. Niall helped come up with the melody and Louis recorded it on his phone. Liam was just the hype man. I kind of forgot about the songs until it came to writing the album. I wrote ghosting in a day. It was a bad day with an ex and it just all came out. It wasn’t supposed to go on the album, I never finished it, but Harry was a huge help and he was the one who suggested to put them both on the album. I trust him and his instincts”.

“This album feels very personal”

“Oh 100%” I went through stages during the writing process for the album. I was angry. Angry at the men in my life who have hurt me. I was angry at myself for letting them, but then came the heartache, the questioning myself, like how could I have let the same thing happen over and over again. This album is a true break up album that goes through the emotions of wanting to leave that person, but being in your head and wanting to make it work”

“It’s almost like a diary entry”

“Yeah pretty much. I mean..” I sigh looking at the ceiling “for me me it’s about telling to world how I’m feeling, but in an enjoyable way I guess. I’m 22 now and if I’m not invested in these songs then what’s the point” I shrug

“Is that the worst part that it’s all personal?”

“No no not at all” I shake my head “I don’t have to pretend. I never want to pretend. I want to be open about what I’ve been through and what I go through”

“You look back to when you were on X Factor to your One Direction days to now as a solo artist, can you pinpoint what you’ve learnt”

“I was young when I started in this industry, I was the youngest member of One Direction, plus the only girl, I had a lot of other girls dislike me. I was ‘the worst member’” I said doing air quotes with my hands “at first it got to me. I went on antidepressants and I was speaking to a therapist multiple times a week, but I learnt that there’s no point listening to the hate. Most of them were jealous and I just think if you dislike my voice then just don’t listen. It’s hard to ignore it when there’s so many rumours and opinions”

“It’s life changing to let go”

“Oh 100%”

“I have to ask, how’s Cookie?”

“She’s great. She’s come with me today actually”

“Really? Can we see her?”

“Of course. Dad can I have Cookie?” I turn around to look at my dad. He nods his head and quickly goes to get my dog. I then hear her little paws running “Cookie! Hi baby girl” I pick her up and place her on my lap

“I feel like Cookie is your mascot” Zach laughs, I laugh along with him

“The fans normally get more excited to see her than me”

“Can we talk about going on tour with Justin Bieber? How did that come about?”

“It’s funny actually” I laugh shifting in my seat before taking a quick sip of water “while we were in LA last year we met Justin. He ask what our plans were for this year and when I said I was writing an album he asked me to go on tour with him to promote it. He’s been so supportive of the album”

“Ghostin/My Everything comes out this week”

“Yeah on Friday. It will be the anniversary of Alex’s passing. It’s going to be an emotional day, but I wanted to dedicate those songs to him. The music video will be a lyric video with photos and videos of Alex growing up. He was one of my biggest supporter so it’s only right I dedicate my first single to him”

“I just have to say you are so strong”

“I couldn’t do it without my friends and family. They are my crutches. I’m so incredibly grateful for them and I’m not sure I can ever repay them for everything they’ve done, especially my dad and Emma”

“Speaking of Emma she’s become part of your team now hasn’t she?”

“Yeah she’s my PA. I wouldn’t wake up on time if it wasn’t for her” I joke making is both laugh

“That’s all the time we have. Thank you so much for coming on the show”

“No thank you I had a good time”

“Good look with the album and tour. Your going to kill it”

“I hope so”

“YN YLN everyone”

[goodluckclove]

Storytime: Holy Shit Going No Contact Was A Really Good Idea, Actually

TW: offhanded mentions for abuse and neglect, general parental bullshit

Okay so people were saying they're down for this so here I go.

A little context for those who don't know: I'm an adult child of pretty severe emotional and psychological abuse, as well as like comical degrees of neglect that I've been making up for over the course of the past year for so. I say "comical" not because it's funny, but because if it was depicted in like a YA novel critics would pan it for being unrealistic. My mom convinced me that doctors don't actually like it when you get checkups and get mad at you for "wasting their time", so I didn't see a doctor for like eight or so years. That's on the low end of how fucked these people are. My parents are both alcoholics and my mom is a diagnosed narcissist (she doesn't know this, but I do because my long-time psychologist was her psychologist first before she decided she was "done with therapy". He told me this after like four years as a part of his attempt to get me to realize I was in a deeply fucked situation, ultimately saving my life in a very literal sense - but that's another story). I'm not saying you can't be both of those things and not be a good person, but I am saying she did not choose to go down that particular path.

I went no contact shortly after I got married to a person who was able to see that my parents were both pretty mean to me most of the time in ways I forced myself to process as humor. They sent like one weird card before we moved and now they don't have my new address or phone number.

Unfortunately I'll still occasionally hear random updates about them - mainly from my older sister, who was the object of my mom's obsessive, manipulative, parent-ifying "love" before she left home at 18 and I became the new Golden Goose. I don't like this. I wish she would stop doing this. I asked her before, but I guess she forgot. Or maybe part of the shell shock from the damage of our childhood is that she just needs to tell someone who would understand in a more primal way than her fiancee. I don't know. She pretty much raised me when I was younger so I guess this is what I'm giving her in return.

A couple of days ago she called me and casually mentioned the latest scrambling my parents are doing. They're moving in with my grandma so she can keep living in the home she raised her family in. They're not kicking out my autistic brother anymore, they're actually bringing him with them. I don't think he has a choice. They're also bringing the family dog they've neglected even worse than they did me, despite how my grandma absolutely insisted she would never want a pet. They're going to turn my kind of run-down childhood home into a rental for extra income. My parents are landlords to be. Cool cool cool.

A lot of this is about money. I have never been comfortable talking about money - probably more so than other people. I never had it explained to me. It wasn't displayed or handled in a way that made sense in my mind. My mom complained and lamented about bills to me all the time but she also had maybe four Prada purses. It didn't make sense.

Something she told me a lot about were the details of my grandmother's will - like, from as young as maybe 16. My grandma is indeterminately wealthy in a way I don't really understand and can barely even guesstimate. She owns her own house, remodeled it, bought my uncle a house, bought my childhood home when my parents almost got kicked out and they paid her the mortgage ever since. She paid for all my siblings (except for me since I dropped out) to go to college. She has an amount of money. I have no idea how much since she's pretty buttoned up - loving, but reserved - which I was told is just a generational thing for some Japanese people. I mean she has the right. She spent like a year or two in a concentration camp as a little girl, she has the fucking right.

But yeah I was told more than a few times that I have a big inheritance for after grandma dies. My mom never told me how much but stressed that it was a lot. I didn't really know why she was telling me this. I actually felt like she shouldn't be telling me this. It made me feel sad and dirty to hear her describe it as something I should be excited for. She also mentioned a lot that I was the only grandchild in the will, and not my three step-siblings that I've known since birth.

Once again - this was NOT something I wanted to know. I had no idea what to do with that information. I tried not to think about it.

Fast forward a couple of years and I'm married and we just bought a house. So before you officially buy a house there's a point where an inspector looks everything over and gives you the details - you know, so you can make an informed decision. The inspection we got for the first house we almost bought informed us that the whole thing was hand-renovated and pretty much fucked to the point where if we bought it we'd have to replace the walls. We didn't buy that house.

The inspector for the second house we loved confirmed it was old. Most of the houses in Portland are old. But it seemed pretty much fine. The only issue was some moss on the roof and a few loose shingles, he said. So we bought it.

Turns out the roof is not good. It's very not good. And we have to replace it before October or else we'll lose our home insurance, and ultimately the home itself. Stressful! I found a pretty knowledgeable roofer and he quotes 14k for the treatment. Add that to the 10k we were already planning on spending on refinancing - a separate financial obstacle course for home owners that Riley was pursuing, since the fiances are their domain - and we were both at a loss as to what to do.

Ultimately I reluctantly decide to see if my grandma would give me part of my inheritance early. Or all of it? I debate how to phrase it for a night. I didnt want to assume how much she was planning on leaving me. I didn't really like to think about how she left specifically me anything in terms of money.

But that didn't end up being an issue! Because when I called my grandma and explained the situation, how we were hit with like three major financial blows back to back and were just hoping to get some aid until things stabilized in a few months, she casually mentioned that I'm actually not in her will. None of the grandkids are!

I immediately stammered out a series of no no nevermind then, but she stopped me and explained how she has a "small emergency fund" for situations like this and asks how much I needed. I say I'm not comfortable with that, but she won't drop the subject. She says the roof is 14k so she'll just give me that. She says 14k won't be a dent in her "small emergency fund". I have absolutely no idea what my grandma's financial situation is.

Did you know if you're given only Goodwill clothes for all of your formative years you're likely to be unable to buy new clothes at even a Target without feeling lost and sick to your stomach? Did you know that if you take Lithium they won't let you sell your blood? Do you know the easiest ways to shoplift food?

I don't think my grandma knows any of that and at this point I don't want to tell her.

I accept the check. I thank her. Riley thanks her. We both cry a lot for a lot of the morning because this is just a lot and it's very confusing. Riley says they've never accepted that amount of money before and would never imagine it coming from a family member. I say my grandma has been doing shit like this for my whole life.

But in the back of my head I'm reeling. I don't consider myself a materialistic person, but I can't help but ask why did my mom lie to me? Why did she lie, and continue to push the lie even when she saw it made me uncomfortable? Why did she bring it up when I'd get mad at my siblings as a way to force me to put aside my feelings?

It's just such a random thing to make up and double down on. Triple down, even. And I understand this whole mess comes from a pretty lucky position - we were able to buy a house and get financial aid to keep the house at a crucial time. That's lucky. We're really lucky. But why the fuck was she keeping up this bit for so long?

She could've never mentioned it and I wouldn't be upset about not being in the will. Frankly I probably wouldn't notice. But holy shit I carried so much stress for years over being the one grandchildren in the will that I had no clue how to navigate. I debated telling my siblings but after all of us were told that we should consider ourselves blood-related, hearing that our own grandmother drew a distinction sounded devastating.

I can't think of a reason why my mom would push a lie this random but so big for so long. It wasn't for me, clearly. I'm not upset that I'm not going to get a fucking jackpot when my grandma dies. I was never really able to wrap my mind around that being a thing. I'm just fucking baffled that my mom was so completely delusional for my whole life and I just followed along for so long.

So long! I was so unbelievably loyal to her despite every attempt she made to drag me into the void. The day before I got married I was telling her over video call that I didn't have a right to be unhappy not working while I recovered from my first major medication shift in years. She said, even though I am the only child of four to pay rent in their own apartment, that I should be grateful for my soon-to-be wife because "without them I'd be homeless".

Fuck that. Fuck that and fuck her. With the stories I have I could ruin my parents in my extended family's eyes forever. The only thing that keeps me from doing that is knowing that it would hurt my Grandma more to know that she wasn't able to step in while it was actually happening. And she's done so much for me and our family that I don't want her to carry that in the end of her life.

It was one lie that really made me realize some things, though. The best thing I ever did for myself was cut contact with my parents. If I didn't cut contact - if I didn't move states - I would almost guaranteed be dead. This is not an exaggeration. It was fucking messy.

But I got out. I have a wife and a few close friends, a roof over my head and some cats darting around my feet. Before we moved I was terrified of my parents showing up at our old apartment. I used to spiral imagining mom screaming outside the door. I tried to plan with Riley what we'd do if that happened. One night I claimed I wanted to take a boxing class "so I can know what it feels like to get really hit and I won't be afraid of it anymore".

I'm not scared now. These are sick people and I've spent more than enough time lamenting how awful my life would be if I continued not noticing that. I was thinking my mom was unable to perceive me as my own person, and now I'm convinced she never saw me or my sister as people at all. We were just little dollies she could whisper all her traumas to.

I hope my sister cuts contact too. I told her about the will thing and said that I'm pretty sure my parents would use that as a way to keep relationships with their remaining children. I said she should probably consider that if she decides to cut ties.

Honestly, I won't blame her if she does that and decides to stay in contact. It's a hard world out there. But I hope she does anyway. She just bought a house too and is about to get married to a man with a family infinitely more loving than ours ever was. I tell her to consider them her family. After the shit she's seen that's the least she deserves.

[topazy]

In the shadows

Paring: Stiles Stilinski x reader

Warnings: Swearing

Chapter: 1.10

𝚃𝚘 𝚂𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚎𝚜 -

𝙸'𝚖 𝟿𝟿.𝟿% 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚎 𝙸'𝚖 𝚊𝚋𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚋𝚎 𝚊 𝚟𝚒𝚌𝚝𝚒𝚖 𝚘𝚏 𝚊 𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚊𝚗 𝚜𝚊𝚌𝚛𝚒𝚏𝚒𝚌𝚎.

𝙵𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚂𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚎𝚜 -

𝙻𝚢𝚍𝚒𝚊 𝚒𝚜𝚗’𝚝 𝚐𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚝𝚘 𝚔𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚢𝚘𝚞!

𝚃𝚘 𝚂𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚎𝚜 -

𝙱𝚞𝚝 𝙰𝚕𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚘𝚗 𝚖𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝! 𝚂𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚎𝚎𝚖𝚜 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝚙𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚍 𝚘𝚏𝚏 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚊𝚜 𝚝𝚊𝚔𝚎𝚗 𝚞𝚜 𝚒𝚗𝚝𝚘 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚠𝚘𝚘𝚍𝚜 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚛𝚛𝚘𝚠. 𝙸𝚏 𝙸 𝚍𝚒𝚎, 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚜 𝚒𝚜 𝚘𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞.

When Lydia invited you to go shopping with her and Allison, you declined at first, due to hating shopping for clothes and still trying to process finding out who the alpha is, but Stiles begged you to go.

𝙵𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚂𝚝𝚒𝚕𝚎𝚜 -

𝙰𝚗𝚍 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚒𝚕𝚕 𝚋𝚎 𝚜𝚘𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚢 𝚖𝚒𝚜𝚜𝚎𝚍

“Allison, when you said you needed to stop for an errand before we went shopping, a five-mile hike in the woods was not what I was expecting.” Lydia says he's trying to keep up with her.

You felt extremely uncomfortable. It was obvious there was some tension between Scott’s ex and the redhead.

“Before I forgot, I was trying to ask if you were okay with something,” Allison says. Jackson asked me to the winter formal. “Just as friends, but I just wanted to make sure you were okay with it first.”

“Sure,” Lydia tries to hide the hurt and jealousy in her voice, but her facial expression gives her emotions away. “As long as it’s just friends.”

“Well, yeah, I knew. It’s not like I wouldn’t take him to the coach's office during lacrosse practice to make out with him or anything.”

They both go quiet, and you decide to speak up. “I don’t know why either of you would want to be his friends anyway; Jackson is a total jackass.”

When they both give you looks that make you shut up, you text Stiles, demanding he or Scott come and get you.

—

You puff out your cheeks while snapping twigs between your fingers. Allison was letting out her rage, firing arrows into trees, while Lydia desperately tried to make small talk with her angry friend. Leaving you to sit on your own, bored, you’d gone deeper into the forest and lost signal on your phone, so you couldn’t even text Stiles.

“What’s that?” Allison asks, worried at the sound of branches snapping.

“Probably a rabbit, a deer, or... someone walking their dog.”

Allison goes to investigate, leaving you and Lydia alone; the red turns and gives you a knowing look. You shrug, “I didn’t tell her anything.”

She lets out a huff. “Do you really think Jackson is a jackass?”

“Yes. There are much nicer, sweeter, funnier guys out there.”

She lets out a chuckle. “Oh yeah, who?”

“Um, Stiles, Scott…” you trail off when you can’t think of anyone else.

Lydia goes to say something but stops when she notices Scott and Allison approaching.

—

You’re made aware of the sheriff’s presence when he lets out a sigh and says, “Good evening, Mori.”

“Hi Mr. Stilinski,” you say from your spot on Stiles' bed.

“Are you aware my son isn’t home yet?” He looks amused when you nod. “I’ve just gotten home myself, so how on earth did you get in?”

You take out a set of keys from your jacket pocket and hold them up, saying, “Stiles got me a set made.”

The sheriff shakes his head and says, “Of course he did. I’m assuming this was after your mom called the cops because she thought a burglar was breaking in when it was actually my son.”

“Actually no,” you do your best to stifle a laugh at the look on his face. “Stiles already had keys made to mine and Scott’s house; he just prefers the window.”

“That’s what I was afraid of.”

—

“Hey!” You frown at Stiles when he rips an old comic book from your hands and tosses it onto his bed and says, “I was reading that.”

“We need to go now,” he says seriously. “This is life or death.”

You uncross your legs and reach for your shoes without urgency, asking, “What’s going on?”

“Scott’s mom is on a date.”

“Okay? What's so deadly about that?”

He gives you a look that silently screams we are screwed. “Melissa is on a date with the Alpha!”

“Oh shit,” you scramble to your feet and grab your jacket that’s hanging on the back of his door. “We need to go right now! What's our plan?”

—

“Hold on!”

You brace yourself as Stiles rams the back of his Jeep into the Alpha, also known as Peter Halle’s car. This was his master plan for saving Scott’s mom—crashing into her.

“Aww, are you kidding me? Stiles!” She fumes as she steps out of the car.

“Mrs McCall?” Stiles jumps out of his. “Wow, this is... this is just crazy. What a coincidence, huh?”

Peter gets out of the car and gives you a smug look. He knows that wasn’t an accident; he looks almost impressed and mumbles something under his breath.

“Mori!” Melissa waves for you to come out and join them.

Reluctantly, you do. You weren’t the best of liars and had a feeling Melissa would see right through you. Although, anything you said couldn’t have been as bad as Stiles, who claimed he just didn’t see the car.

You try your best to listen to what Peter is saying; he must have figured out Scott was nearby and was talking to him. You could have sworn Peter's eyes occasionally flickers red.

[uniqueuglyness]

Hey guys!

The fanfiction is finally finished, and I hope you guys enjoy because for some reason this took me longer than it was supposed to. 😭 I am sorry if this was released too late, but atleast I kept my word and released it today :D. There will be a part 2 to this as well. Well, actually, it depends if you guys want me to make a part 2, or just continue the story with you own imagination. Let me know! :)

Anyways, enjoy this Lou x Reader fanfic :)

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Thinking of you~♡

Your laying on your bed, staring up at the ceiling. Its 9:03 in the morning and you haven't gotten any sleep. You try to pretend that you don't know why, but at the end of the day you cant push away your feelings.

The Institute of Imperfection isn't really known for much romance, but lately you've been wanting that in your life. You have everything you could ever ask for, sure, but you still feel like somethings missing, or someone. Maybe your just overreacting. After all, life couldn't get better than this, right?

You sit up from your bed and groan as you walk in your kitchen, the smell of (Favorite food) filling your nostrils. You open your silky cabinet for some breakfast when you suddenly remember what time it was.

You slowly turn you head towards your clock..(9:06 A.M). Shoot! You forgot you had to meet with Luckybat today. "Dangit, I should've kept track of the time! I have to meet with Lucky in 4 minutes!"

You frantically start freshening up, knowing you have no time to shower. You try your best to make your hair look halfway decent, which end up being a halfway success. You quickly brush your teeth, throw on some decent clothes and scramble out the door.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

(Luckybat's house - 9:13 A.M)

Dang, your 3 minutes late.

You hesitantly walk up to his doorstep, then ring the bell. It opens softly, and Luckybat stand there with a smile.

"Ah, (name), you came! The tea was just finished. Oh, and Lou is here too!

"Wait what?" You didn't know he was going to be here. I mean, you didn't have anything against him. You actually had a huge crush on him, in fact. I mean, who doesn't? But that was exactly the problem. Lou, your crush since forever, is here. To make things worse, you don't even look you best.

"Is something wrong?" Lucky asks curiously.

"No, no, everything's fine. Its just.." You lower you voice to just above a whisper.

" I came here to talk about romance, and, well..."

Lucky looks at you confused until a wave of realization hits his face.

"You- ohh.. I get it. Its okay, he's just here for therapy."

"Yeah, but Lucky, how am I supposed to talk to you about romance if me and him are in the same room? I wont be able to focus and I'll stumble over my words."

Luckybat looks at you with a reassuring smile. "Trust me, there is nothing to worry about. You'll be fine."

Luckybat leads you in the room where you see Lou fidgeting with his hands. The moment you step inside the room, both of you make a face with a mix of nervous and shy. Although, he doesn't seem surprised to see you. Lucky must've told him that you were coming already.

Your emotions start scattering everywhere and you suddenly feel like you need some air. Eventually, it becomes clear that somethings wrong. Lou looks directly at you, obviously concerned.

"A-Are you okay?" He asks vaguely. You stare into his beautiful sapphire eyes for a moment, then regain yourself. "Yeah.. yeah I'm fine."

Luckybat looks at the both of you, then clears his throat to speak. "I'll go get the tea." As Luckybat leaves the room, you gather all your courage to say something to the doll on the other side of the room.

"Lou?"

The doll looks up at you curiously.

"Yes?"

"Do you.. remember me?"

He stares at you for a brief moment, processing what you just asked.

"Of course I do. Your name is (name). Your the one who helped me with my job as a janitor for a full week that one time."

"Haha yeah.."

There is an awkward silence for a moment.

Lou clears his throat.

"So, what are you here for?"

Your cheeks flush a light red. "Uh, I-I'm here for u-um-"

Suddenly, Luckybat walks into the room with an antiquated tea set. He sets the tea set down on the table between you two, then sits on the left side of the table.

"Alright, Lou, let's start with you. Let's try something simple. What do you like to do in your free time?"

"Well, I like to.. um... actually, I'm not sure."

"Okay then, do you like singing, or dancing more?"

Lou takes a second to respond. "I think I like.."

As he keeps talking, you cant help but notice how cute he looks. He's just so.. perfect. There is not nearly enough words to describe how you feel about him. Soon you find yourself staring, and so does he.

"And also..." He stares at you awkwardly, but that awkwardness quickly turns into a glimmer in his eyes, his cheeks glowing red.

Now your both staring at eachother. Each of you have that same glimmer in your eyes. A glimmer that feels like you've known eachother forever.

Luckybats eyes are slightly widened and he briefly glances at the both of you. He then again clears his throat, this time being louder than the first. "Okay, well it seems like Lou is finished. Now for you, (name). Why do you feel that you need romance in your life?"

Lou suddenly looks at Luckybat confused, his attention obviously caught.

"W-Well um..."

You start to get clearly nervous. Clear enough for Lucky to notice.

"Nevermind, scratch that. How would you like to start?" Lucky gives you a smile and you smile back softly.

"Well, I'd like to first of say that..." you keep talking with Luckybat until he moves back to Lou for a while, then back to you. Eventually, the session with Lucky is over for you and Lou. You both wave him goodbye as you and Lou awkwardly stand beside eachother.

You decide to say something to break the silence.

"So, what are you gonna do now?"

"Uh, yknow, just walk home.. heh.. What about you?"

"Same thing eheh.." You both laugh dryly and awkwardly, but then Lou straightens up.

"I better head home. It was nice seeing you again." Lou puts on a genuine, soft smile as he turns away and starts walking.

As he's walking, you think back to the moment when you and him were in that room, glimmering sapphire eyes gazing into yours. It felt like time was frozen, and all that mattered was him. You know in your heart that you can't just pretend that nothing happend.

"Lou..?"

He turns back to you, a tired, but friendly look on his face. Its almost enough to make you blush, but you hold yourself together.

"About that moment in the room..." You decide not to be straightforward, and take it slow. You softly sigh and continue talking.

"Is there anything you want to talk about?"

He hesitates shyly, but seemingly gains courage to talk.

"Actually, there is something I want to talk to you about."

[sleepingcup]

Dating experience with Silverash

Characters: Enciodes Silverash x Doctor! Reader

Game: Arknights (Silverash’s Operator Story)

Genre: Fluff

Summary: You were not expecting to have Silverash as an operator from that discovery you and Kal’tsit find out ever since you help him out from a commission.

--------

You may not noticed that but he is actually thankful for you that you ask Elite Operator Sharp to protect Siverash during an event, manage to make a change in Kjerag company, and to change his country for the better and have the most peaceful result than blood. Let’s be real here, you help him better than before, and thanks to you his younger sister  Ensia/Cliffheart receives better treatment and Enya/Pramanix seems to find herself at home in Rhodes Island and more.

He decided to do all of that just to show his gratitude. His sister Ensia/Cliffheart and the other Silverash Clans who also works at Rhodes Island was also shocked to know that he decided to join, but since he is now your assistant/bodyguard he would be checking on you from time to time in his break.

But please make sure that he had a good break cause you may not noticed that he did overwork himself. He won't mind hanging out with you for a game of chess or a hang out at the top of the Rhodes Island.

His greetings were usually "My friend."

But if you want to make him call you by your name or something else than friend, you have to make a deal with him.

Normally people would fall in love by their own feelings however with Silverash it would be different.

If your expression was obvious for him, you better have mercy on your soul cause he would take that as an advantage cause sometimes he does have the audacity to be playful or flirty on purpose just to catch you off guard.

Ensia/Cliffheart did warned you before about Silverash.

But who are you to complain, there is no turning back now~

If you manage to make a deal with him that is where he would visit you more often just to name you My Dearest Friend just for himself, how will you be able to deal with him is depending on how will he feels about you. Let him process his emotions so he knows well that he can deepen his bond with you or give him more opportunities to at least try to win you over.

Dealing with Silverash is like dancing with him in a game of chess, who wins to the king or who losses to the king. Love is war in chess, it never fails.

But if you manage to win against him, that is where he admits his defeat. He actually enjoy his time with you, all you just need to do is to get 200% of his trust just to open up to you about his personal life. Even if you manage to win him over before...

If he DOES have feelings by any chance, he would be clingy. His tail would rather wrap around your waist or left/right leg, sometimes hugs from behind in a place with no prying eyes, or he would make a flirty yet teasing tone just to catch you off guard. He would find satisfaction by looking at your face.

And if you give him a kiss on the head or pet him or cuddle him more often, he would clearly won't mind destroying your personal space just to earn that from you.

But rest assure that he also cares for your health, but it would be different. He cares for you in his own ways really. But if no one else is keeping watch on you and Silverash, he would be near you.

And if his not around his bird Tenzin will be the one who would keep your company.

Just be aware that the Silverash clan who spotted you with Tenzin would be either confused, shocked, or surprised.

I forgot to mention about the date, the dates would be an expensive dinning place. Don't worry he pays for it cause that is his offer, but if you prefer to relax at room for cuddles he won't mind that at all.

And if he would sleep with you in your room or office, just be aware that he would have nightmares sometimes. So be there for him when he has a vulnerable side of him to you. Reassurance is something that he actually needs especially when he is at his lowest.

One thing tho, if you may not noticed Silverash happens to mark his bite on your neck without you knowing.

[morannon]

I'm late to the party (wake?), but I've taken considerable time off from Star Wars. I think it was around season 2 of The Mandalorian that I really felt like this ain't it. Nothing really caught my interest enough to come back to it until The Acolyte which I now just finished watching. I should know better by now than to see what people have been saying about it, given I was around to witness how it was the prequels already that "ruined Star Wars".

While the Acolyte was a painful watch it again points out what should be obvious now. If there is anything at all that's at serious risk of ruining Star Wars (outside of bitter middle aged men on youtube), it's Disney. Disney is to Star Wars what Amazon is to Tolkien.

We all connect with particular characters, storylines and elements within the cosmos of an IP and its lore, but I think what forms the core of those emotional bonds are stories told with heart and integrity. There is something significant that Star Wars shares with LOTR in that sense. The film franchises both started out as passion projects that performed miracles with small budgets. The people working on those films came up with ways of bringing these worlds to life without the guarantee that it would pay off financially. They also created the gold standard of cinematic worldbuilding. The franchises obviously turned out to be really successful and seeing the large bult-in fanbases and now proven profitability attracted corporations which held all of the interest in the potential of financial gain, having none for the source material and core ideas that had originally propelled these franchises to begin with. These corporations instead approach the IPs with a sense of arrogance thinking that the audience will simply lap it up because of a proven emotional connection to the material, and the more they can churn out, the bigger the profit. The initial optimism and interest for a new film or series may even briefly seem to affirm that belief. Eventually the idea of all the money to be made will make the corporations look at how to cut down the costs, how to compress the production timeline. The ambition grows, but the quality of the work put into it suffers and the passion fizzles out. Instead of a dream of bringing a world to life it will become a calculation. This is where we're at. But it's that lack of passion that is always evident in the finished work.

The Acolyte is symptomatic of what corporate greed does to culture and cultural artifacts. It's not the initial idea that is the problem, it's not the main characters, it's not the wokeness. The fundamental problem that set the series on a downward path from the start was that it was planned from the POV of corporate ambition to branch out and generate a maximum amount of product to the widest and least specific audience. And they forgot about the story they were trying to tell in the process.

And on a side note, the way the Disney acquisition pushed a LOT of high quality content out of the canon just for the sake of gaining free reign should have been a clear sign of what's to come.

The Acolyte was destined to fail. It was structured in a way that assumed multiple seasons that it would never survive to see, because the story itself was poorly planned and written. The writing for the series is embarrassing to put it mildly. The series is also giving screen time to random background characters with no actual plot line, and a good chunk to a bunch of others that steal precious time from the main characters, only to all be killed off without any of them save one having made an impact. And so the first season that should have sold us on the idea sold us nothing at all.

There's the kind of 'feedback' that would have us think that there isn't room for everyone in a galaxy far, far away. And then the kind Disney ought to take to heart. But if they've shown us anything then it's that they're not yet motivated to learn from their mistakes. And until then there is no story they can't or won't ruin.

What a waste.

[virologikal]

Reply to @nshtn

Has your Wesker ever heard of a barbecue? Has he, dare say, ever participated in one in any degree?

Are there any hard candies he has enjoyed?

What's an important object he has once forgotten (as an adult)? What were the consequences of that?

T-Veronica and similar T-viruses that descend from the leech line adapt to their host over time. Is your Wesker's Progenitor Virus inverse to this, destabilizing as years pass? (I think I recall that Spencer's Progenitor strain wasn't leech based because he hadn't discovered the benefits yet, but I don't remember).

⸻ ⸨ again I take the liberty to split my replies between "Very silly, medium silly and less silly/serious" because some of these actually turned from crack to honest while I was answering them ⸩

He absolutely knows what a barbecue is, yes - my portrayal has the "Wesker is an excellent cook" headcanon in common with a couple of other writers. While he knows how to go about a barbecue in terms of seasoning, working a smoker and so on, he in fact never participated in a barbecue with others (which I think is what you were asking for?). Before he joined S.T.A.R.S., anyway. I like to think that there was a period of time after all members of the squad were accounted for, when they would spend actual quality time together and try to rope Wesker into it. Often he would excuse himself, of course, due to the other obligations he had. But I like to think every once in a while he would indulge the teams. At first, because he wanted to learn more about them, and actually learn more about socializing himself. Later, I like to think he privately came to enjoy being around the others, getting an, albeit brief, glimpse of a normal life. It likely happened the same time Chris managed to distract him for a little while from his duties.

Not particularly. He is more of a spicy (no pun intended........), savoury or even sour kind of guy. I portray him as extremely disciplined with his body and workout routine, and therefore also very mindful of what he feeds himself in terms of nutrition. It's something that stuck from his time in the military and only grew more important over the years (for one because he knew how physically superior many B.O.W. can be, but also due to his growing god complex over the years). I think if I had to pin a hard candy on him, it would be something sour-lemony, or maybe licorice.

During a stressful week with multiple emergencies the S.T.A.R.S. teams were assigned to, Wesker once forgot to check for the placement of the diamond key (I mentioned in another headcanon post how I think Irons started his goose chase for keys and the need to solve puzzles in the R.C.P.D. out of pure spite for Wesker and S.T.A.R.S.), and Wesker had left his Samurai Edge at the shooting range that day because he had planned to go train later. Enrico had to dispatch both teams that day and take care of team Alpha as well. It was that day Wesker learned of Jill's lockpicking skills, because she offered to help him get his gun back. Wesker allowed Chris, Jill and Vickers to apply shoe glaze to the bottom of Irons' office door handle as revenge.

I went and checked the documents of the game but they're not very precise (x, x) but I think context-wise you're right assuming the leeches infected with the progenitor virus rather accommodate their hosts and adapt to them instead of fight them like the progenitor t-virus does. I'd have to replay RE0 though to be completely sure. For the sake of it, let's assume this is how these viruses work, though! The way the progenitor virus infection in Wesker works in my portrayal is somewhat a mixture of how these two variants described above act. Mainly, yes, it is inverse. The virus will fight its host eventually, damaging Wesker's brain in the process. It's what leads to his emotional outburst while, at the same time, "feeding" off of strong emotions and becoming even stronger due to them. At the same time there definitely was a phase in which the virus adapted to Wesker, especially in the beginning, enhancing his skills and strength while reviving him from an otherwise fatal wound. His body was able to work with the infection for a while, until... well, it couldn't. It's a bit like a predator noticing weakness; as soon as that happened, the virus started doing what it does with all other hosts - trying to take over.

[alastor-the-virgin]

Candy, Husk does feel really regretful. You don't have to love him, but maybe play nice?

As Candy stormed out of the hotel entrance, the weight of her emotions tugged at her heels. Angel Dust, determined and impulsive, rushed after her, trying to bridge the gap between anger and understanding that hung thick in the air.

Angel: *catching up, breathless* Candy, wait! Can we talk about what just happened in there? Husk is really trying to—

Candy spun around, her expression sharp enough to cut.

Candy: *eyes narrowing* Husk?! That's the name he goes by now? God, no wonder I couldn’t find him down here. He changed his name, changed his whole life, and forgot he had a family!

Angel shrugged, knowing that her anger was justified but fervently hoping that her fury wouldn’t cause her to shut down completely.

Angel: Listen, I get it. You have every right to be mad. I know Husk messed up big time—more than most people can even imagine—but he’s trying. Isn’t that worth something?

Candy: *sarcastic laugh* Worth something? For God’s sake, Angel, he’s bringing a child into the world when he didn’t even bother to be a father to the three he had on Earth! What happened to those kids? Did he even think about them once while he was busy ruining his life down here?

The anger coursing through her felt like a storm, and she could barely contain it. Each word shot from her lips like arrows, aimed directly at the heart of the emotional terrain. Angel, however, stood firm.

Angel: You’re right! He messed up! But he’s also trying to make amends! Do you think it’s easy for him? He’s feeling everything—regret, shame—you name it. And whether you want to admit it or not, you’re feeling it too.

Candy: *sharp intake of breath* You don’t get to tell me how I feel. You’re nobody to me, 'Angel Dust.' You’re just another ghost in his past—another distraction he’s chosen over the people who actually matter. I’m not here to play nice or pretend like everything’s okay just because he’s decided to turn over a new leaf. Why should I?

Angel took a step closer, his voice softening.

Angel: Because it’s not just about him, Candy. It’s about you. Holding on to that anger and pain isn’t going to fix anything. It only hurts you. Maybe if you could find a way to talk through it, even just a little… you wouldn’t feel so alone in this mess.

There was a pause, the noise of the hotel fading into the background as Candy processed his words.

Candy: *voice trembling* You think I haven’t tried? You think this is easy for me? I’ve spent years learning to deal with what he did to me, to us. I built my life around that pain, and you want me to toss it aside to be ‘understanding’? I can’t just let that go. I can’t.

Angel: I’m not asking you to let anything go, just to consider talking to him. Maybe there’s a way to confront the past without burning every bridge. You don’t have to love him, but what if you tried to understand him? It could give you both some peace.

Candy shook her head, her frustration boiling over once more.

Candy: Peace? Is that what this is all about? Finding peace while he just gets to start fresh and be a dad again? What about us? What about how we suffered? That’s not right!

Angel: It’s not fair…none of this is fair. But holding on to that anger will just keep hurting you. Giving him another chance doesn’t mean you have to forget what he did. It just means you won’t be carrying that weight on your own anymore.

Candy hesitated at that, caught in the web of emotions she had built. There was a flicker of recognition in her eyes, but the anger still burned hot.

Candy: I hate him, Angel.

Angel: I know. But maybe hate doesn’t have to be all-consuming. You could set boundaries. You could talk to him on your terms. Isn't it worth giving him a shot to face the consequences of his past?

Candy crossed her arms, conflicted, the embers of her rage still flickering.

Candy: I don't want to make this easier for him.

Angel: You’re not. You’re doing it for yourself. You get to feel whatever you want about him, but being a prisoner of that fury won’t help you or anyone. Trust me, I know more than anyone what it means to let anger consume you.

There was a long beat before Candy spoke again, words wrapped in cold vulnerability:

Candy: You’re asking me to let this go… to find a way to heal. But I’m scared, Angel. What if he just ends up hurting me more?

Angel: Then you deal with it when it happens. But you can’t let the fear of what he might do stop you from trying to understand what he’s done. If nothing else, you deserve answers. Just… think about it.

Candy stood there, rooted in place as Angel’s words lingered in the air like a haunting echo. She felt her anger begin to waver, replaced by the seeping ache of memories long buried. Finally, she spoke again, her voice quieter, almost thoughtful.

Candy: If Aislynn can forgive him… maybe I’d consider it too.

Angel: Aislynn? Who is that?

Candy: Aislynn was my baby sister. All she ever wanted before she passed was to see our father one last time—to make peace with him. She believed that if she could, it might heal some of the wounds we all carried. But he never showed up. Not once. And when she died, I felt like a part of me died with her. She wanted so badly to believe in him, to think that he could change… but he never came. I’ll never forget how hard she fought to hang on. In those last moments, all I could think about was how sorry she must have felt. How could I ever forgive someone who caused her so much pain?

Angel, listening intently, felt a pit forming in his stomach. He thought about Molly…and he knew Candy’s pain all too well.

Candy: Now Aislynn’s been in Hell since 1958. She’s a news producer for 666 News. Can you believe that? My pure-hearted sister, stuck in this place because she wanted to bring the truth to the surface.

Angel's heart sank as he heard the depth of Candy's sorrow. It was a familiar weight, echoing his own losses and regrets. He could hardly fathom the grief she must carry, knowing that her sister had yearned for a connection, one that could never be fulfilled.

Angel: *taking a deep breath* Candy, I’m so sorry. That’s… that’s heartbreaking. But what if I could help you get that moment with her? What if I could bring Aislynn here? Maybe Husk should apologize to her too. Maybe he needs to face the reality of his actions directly.

Candy's eyes widened, a mixture of surprise and skepticism washing over her.

Candy: You… you want to find Aislynn? In this place? That's not even possible! She’s a news producer; she probably has dozens of stories to cover every day. What would make her want to talk to him? To me?

Angel: Leave that to me. I know how to track her down; the connections I have in Hell can help. And as for wanting to talk to him? It doesn’t have to start with wanting to—she might just feel an obligation to face the past. The truth is always worth confronting.

Candy felt a flicker of hope ignite in her chest, but it battled fiercely against her bitter skepticism.

Finally, Candy sighed, her voice tinged with vulnerability.

Candy: "Alright. You can go look for her, but if this falls apart—if Aislynn doesn’t want to talk to me or Husk—I don’t know how I’ll handle it, Angel.

Angel: *offering a gentle smile* And that’s perfectly okay. I’ll go look for Aislynn and bring her here. Trust me. I won’t let you down. Just stay strong; we’ll navigate through this together.

[anco-writes]

Day 6: Bloat

Ace had made his way to the kitchen, still dressed in his femboy attire, belly hanging to his thighs as he wiggled his fingers in delight. He'd been snacking as per usual, but well… if he was going to blow up whether he ate all day or ran laps, why wouldn't he indulge in the former?

Protein bars and rations, snack cakes and cookies, Ace showed no discrimination in his indulgence. He hadn't binged in a good long while, and this was certainly causing more of those mixed up emotions. His arm warmers were completely rolled down at this point, looking more like fuzzy bracelets than anything else, and his belly bulged out obscenely from the overwhelming bloat that came from the deluge of food. 

There was a virtually endless amount to choose from, the station’s onboard computer replacing empty cabinets with new contents as soon as the doors were closed. At this point he was making a game of it, making loops around the dimly lit kitchen as he continued to try new things he'd been eyeing for a while. 

This continued well on into the night, and eventually he found himself seated on a chair by a kitchen island, paws planted firmly on the floor, gut gurgling as it processed the load within. “oogh… oh I definitely overdid it…” despite the words and feelings of exhaustion, Ace still had a smile on his face as he said that. 

The distinct hissing sound of one of the automatic doors opening sounded as Red entered the room, the blue feathered Phoenix yawning and stretching before turning on the nearby light and freezing when she did so.

She caught full sight of the scene unfolding in her kitchen, the bloated fox sitting with his gut wobbling in the air, packed tight as he raised a hefty forearm to cover his eyes. Discarded wrappers littered the counter top, none of them having been properly marked as trash for automatic disposal. It was nice living on such an advanced station, but when people couldn't even do the bare minimum…

Red stomped over to Ace, her hand smacking against his belly with a resounding thud as he suddenly jolted upright. “Uuurrrpp!! H-hey, what's the big idea?!”

“I should be asking you that! You're in here making an absolute pig of yourself, and you can't even be bothered to keep it clean? Like it's hard or something? I saw you, looking all sleepy, you were just gonna sit there, pass out, or waddle back to your room without doing a damn thing about the mess you made.” Red seemed genuinely upset at Ace, which was definitely catching him off guard.

“Mff… well consider it pay back for what you did to me.” Ace groaned, rubbing at his gut, eyes blearily squinting against the overhead light. 

“What the hell did I do to you to warrant this behavior?” Her question was flat and straightforward, not ringed with a teasing tone Ace might have expected.

“Uh, that thing you did that caused this? Ya know, while we were hanging out…?” Ace tried to pantomime shooting a finger gun, but stopped midway to massage his belly some more.

“I have no fucking clue what you're talking about fat ass. But I'm not letting you off the hook easy. If you're hungry, you should have said so, cause you're getting my dessert whether you like it or not.”

She stormed past Ace, who turned to look at her with mounting concern. It was bad enough that she was acting like she forgot the inciting incident, but the last thing Ace actually wanted to do was eat anything else. “H-hold on, I'm seriously full, you uh, can see how much I've been eating.”

“Oh I sure can, didn't you just buy that stuff yesterday or something? And you're already outgrowing it. Appetite's out of control. But don't worry, I've got you covered.” The sound of the blender whirring to life definitely made Ace jump, or at least bounce.

“I-I’m telling you it's your fault!” Ace whined, before slumping back once more, already regretting his choice of words. If she did know what he was talking about, doubling down would only entrench her further. But as he sat there, the horrible realization that she might not actually know what he was talking about grew on him.

He checked his chest again, and though the chest had blossomed into an impressive bosom, he couldn't find any traces of a bullet or dart there. What he did find was Red appearing before him again, a pitcher in one hand, and a funnel with connected tube in the other. She glowered but grinned,  thumping his belly with the back of her hand. “I know you're bull shitting me cause of it was my fault, you'd know. Like this-” She grabbed his chubby cheeks, and stuffed the hose down his maw, clamping it shut with one hand as the other hefted up the pitcher, a small ring of ice holding the funnel up. 

Ace watched fearfully as she brought the heavy pitcher to the funnel and poured it in, thick creamy sludge filling the empty tube, before it all hit his tongue. He really was full, so he didn't even swallow at first, but suddenly Red was rubbing his throat, and he couldn't help it. One strained gulp gave way to a rhythmic process. His belly creaked as it slowly bloated larger still… 

Slowly, his eyes drifted closed… 

[thatmomentwhen345]

Hi I know I never post personal stuff on here but I’m just having disconnected thoughts and I feel like you can say anything on tumblr and someone will connect with it, plus it has to do with pokemon so it’s relevant to ppl who follow me (presumably)

Don’t tell anyone I want it to be a surprise to the people who will actually see it but I’m working on a video right now of me ranking all of the different Pokeani dub opening songs and

HALT here is some important context before we continue

1. Last year (2023) I spent 7 months binging the entire pokeani

2. I livetweeted the whole thing for some reason (and subsequently left Twitter a few months later)

Anyway, so I’m scrolling through my ridiculously long twt thread to get screenshots and clips and be reminded of important plot beats so I can talk abt them in the video and I’m reliving some of these moments and

Yesterday I was looking for the episode where May loses her second chance at winning the Grand Festival during the battle frontier

I found it and I rewatched the end so I could record the clip I wanted.

Ngl, that was one of the strongest emotional reactions I had during my initial watchthrough. May’s breakdown was just so raw and EARNED and idk I haven’t cried a lot in the last few months but rewatching that bit over a year later that same powerful emotional reaction came back and it was like. Really cathartic

Last year was a rollercoaster for me and the Hoenn gang (Ash, Brock, Max, May) was with me during a somewhat traumatic period of the year but I don’t think about them as often as I do characters from other regions (namely the Kalos gang who I have a nostalgic connection to). But god I miss them and that period of my watchthrough (but not the period of my life LMAO)

And today I was reading my tweets from the Sun and Moon and Journeys period of the binge, reliving all the touching moments and it’s really weird because I dont think I’ve really processed much of the latter part of last year bc it was another weird time for me (turning 18, getting my first job, starting my first year of college) and

I’ve scrolled through that thread so many times since I finished that endeavor. But it just doesn’t compare to actually going back to the episodes themselves and seeing the little details my brain forgot or my thread didn’t mention. In fact, I think because I made the thread my brain chose to forget about everything that ISNT in the thread because it takes up less space in my head that way, but now that I’m committing so much brainpower to it again and actually rewatching some of those episodes is finally actually taking me back to last year and helping me process some of the stuff that happened? Or I could be bullshitting but idk

I said once my binge of the anime was over I was going to do so many creative things in relation to it but I think by the time I was finished my brain had had enough and so I kinda moved on quicker than I thought I would, or even wanted to. But now I’m finally revisiting those creative ideas I’m being reminded of just how much that stupid adventure meant to me and especially the characters yknow

The May example is just one of them. There are plenty of episodes I could go back to and the same thing would happen but I’m not ready for all that. I was just curious enough about the May clip because I didn’t remember it and because May basically didn’t show up at all after Sinnoh aside from a few second long cameo in Journeys but Fuck. It was even more heart wrenching than I remembered. Genuinely one of the realest moments in the show. I miss May, I miss the Hoenn gang. I miss all of the characters. I miss the escapism and the emotions

Anyway that’s enough rambling. I needed to talk about this somewhere and I think it would too out of place in the very first video I’ve ever done where I’m actually talking.

I know I said I livetweeted the entire thing but it was on my priv twitter and it was probably extremely annoying for the people who did follow me over there so like even though I was constantly talking about it, I didn’t really get to talk To anyone about it and I think that’s another part of why so much if it has gone unprocessed so if anyone is interested in hearing more of my thoughts on that experience I’m eager to share. And I suppose I’ll let you guys know when the video goes up if you’re interested. I’m planning to post it September 8th (2024), the anniversary of the English dub ending so keep an eye out if you’re interested

Thanks for listening tumblr people

[samuraisharkie]

due to Life Shit I kind of stopped drawing much about a year or two after I graduated high school bc I just kind of didn’t have the time or mental/emotional/physical capacity to fit it in, despite art being something I really want to be a part of my career. It kind of makes me sick to realize how much muscle memory I lost just from that time (I had only about a year and a half total of absolutely no art but that was enough. doesn’t help that during that time I seriously injured my hands) considering I’ve been drawing my entire life. I really wish things had not gone that way and that I could have kept going, but expectations were on me to do something else and any time I sat down to draw was treated as wasting time. There’s also something weird about recovering from severe trauma that kind of adjusts how you engage with a hobby you used as a coping mechanism, which Art very much was. I almost never drew vent art, but I used it to focus on something and make myself happy and proud of work I actually could do, and once I was out of the environments that funneled me into drawing (being forced to go to church, school, anything involving sitting down for a long period of time) I found less time to actually have an excuse. Someone bought me a single college course of art classes right out of high school, and I think that was where I COULD have had the opportunity to really get started if I had actually had the money to continue and the college hadn’t been so far away. After that course ended I didn’t have that excuse anymore. I used to draw in DeviantArt and Discord art groups, but those began to fall apart and soon I didn’t have that option either. After that I doodled but didn’t really create Full Pieces unless some friend asked it of me, and it was never a commission bc I’d never trained myself to get that sort of shit done without taking too long, so I’d always do it for free. So even that wasn’t a big motivator eventually. Now that I’m struggling for work after becoming more physically disabled after COVID, all that time I could have spent honing my art skills so I could do SOMETHING with my art really is weighting down on me. I have the option to do freelance work, illustrations, pet commissions, even things like cards and cookies. I’ve seen these avenues open up for me gradually, but I’ve lost the skills I built up that I need to actually make something I’m proud of. I’ve taken to tracing old art to try and remember my thought process and my “style”… but my memory was bad BEFORE the covid, and it’s worse now, and my brain fog makes it hard to focus even if I could get back on the train of thought. I don’t remember the construction that would be in my mind’s eye. I barely can keep a clear vision in my mind’s eye anymore, worryingly. I never had a crystal clear imagination, it was always sort of abstract, but I could see the lines, I could construct a scene. Now I have to focus hard to get any sort of detail clear in my head. It’s like if you tried to look directly into someone’s face in a dream, or put in a prompt in neural blender. So I have to adjust to performing the entire thought process physically, slowly and tediously trying to figure out what I’m imagining before I can really get started. Those old art tutorials for constructing shapes and bodies and such just aren’t coming naturally anymore so I have to dredge deep into my mind to remember which advice helped “click” the best and knowing it might not do it this second time around. It’s like if you forgot how to ride a bike. It was something natural to you, you could even get started haphazardly and distracted and still be able to tell where you were going and not fall over or trip on yourself, but now it’s like you have to focus on each step and it constantly feels like it’s taking everything you have to not crash. I’m glad I can start drawing again, but it hurts that something so huge in my life has been turned into this. I’ve ranted about it before it’s just easier to notice when you’re not sketching out people’s pets or doing super stylized doodles.

[capncococharms]

Too long/embarrassing for a tweet, but it has been about a week since I saw The End of Evangelion in theaters and I'm thinking back on the emotions I felt seeing it on the big screen.

At first, I was scared about it being a horrible movie experience given I would probably be sitting with other EVA fans who would be mega weird and might treat it as a usual Marvel screening. Once the movie started I was surprised at how respectful everyone was (minus that one guy who tried to clap after the first scene and everyone quietly shunned him to the point he didn't make a peep for the rest of the movie so shoutouts to the audience for once).

It's crazy how much I forgot that happens in this movie and it felt like I was watching a brand new movie. Yeah, I do remember the big beats and moments that happen, but when you aren't focusing on the big scenes and are looking at the finer details it opens your eyes to why certain things happen (like when Shinji was horrified about seeing a giant Rei and then when it switch to Kaworu he was at peace). I think it helped that I watched Evangelion: Death before my screening so I could have the show's story fresh in my mind.

Another thing I noticed was when the credits started playing halfway through the movie people were getting up to leave (probably needed to use the bathroom), but after the credits... they never came back. It was wild to see how many new folks who had never seen The End of Evangelion were at my screening. While funny, they missed out on the best part which is... the actual ending. Something you would never get to experience at a home screening.

The final thing that really got me was the image I posted. That shot alone made me have a moment where I was emotionally punched. It was so hard I started breaking down in tears. I knew the scene was gonna happen, but that was when the message finally became crystal clear. This show really helped me in a sad part of my life when I was attending university and I was overwhelmed with everything coming my way. The show and EoE made me appreciate what life can be and it has influenced me to pursue a creative life of making art and expressing who I am in my own way.

Also, the FAST abrupt ending when you watch the final scene and then the lights IMMEDIATELY turn on and you're asked to leave was incredible. No time to digest or process ANYTHING. These theater workers want you OUT. Something you can't experience at home.

More than anything EoE in a theater setting was a nice refresher on why I bothered pursuing a creative path in life and that theater experience made me fall in love with what I want to try to be. I may not know where to go and I will still struggle, but I know that whatever happens, I'll try my best to keep following that dream.

[anthrofreshtodeath]

P FKN R Snippet

I've been playing with P FKN R again, while I work on Cafuddàri 18. Slowly. I only have three chapters written, so it won't be posted any time soon, but I often like to share drafts of what I'm working on because conversation always drives the process forward.

See it below the cut.

Jane sat on the couch right after tossing Maura a glance that asked for permission. Maura granted it, so Jane lowered herself - slowly, as if that were supposed to show some grand contrition. She didn’t know; she’d never been in this kind of delicate situation before. “Listen, Maura, me and Tatiana… we’re a thing,” she said, putting her hand on Maura’s knee. Maura jerked away, but Jane followed. She winced. “That, shit. That came out wrong. What I mean is, me and Tatiana are a thing, unless one, or both, of us, has a thing. Does that make sense?”

It must have, just a little, because even though Maura still sniffled, she turned more towards Jane. “To be honest, no,” she replied, rolling up her eyes to prevent even more tears from falling and embarrassing her. 

“It means that she and I have an agreement,” started Jane. She watched Maura’s body for signs she should stop, or alter course. When Maura only listened with that emotion-weary look, her downturned lips, Jane continued. “When we’re not seeing people, if we’re in each others’ neck of the woods, we… we have fun. If we both want it.”

Maura twitched her nose. Then her cheeks reddened when she looked Jane full in the face since she yelled at her in the foyer. “That’s - that’s all?”

Jane actually laughed a little. “Yeah,” she confirmed, and Maura tracked the handsome little bob of her voice box. “We’re not… serious. We uh, I don’t think we ever will be. We figured out a long time ago that we’d always be on different life paths. Her dream was always New York; mine was, is, Boston. Home.”

“So you pick up your relationship when she’s here?” Maura asked, voice shaky and quiet, “Or when you’re in New York?”

“We have sex, Maura,” Jane deadpanned. “We have sex when she’s here.”

Uncharacteristically, Maura blushed. She chalked it up to the fact that they are talking about the sex life of her very-catholic best friend, and not any personal investment in the matter. “The… that conference. In New York City,” she said, unable to help the words tumbling out of her mouth. “That cybercrimes and homicide investigations conference. Last May.”

“No,” Jane anticipated the unasked question. “She was upstate. Had some business with one of the ADAs out there. I didn’t see her. Thought about it, though.”

“Ugh,” Maura groaned, her head thrown back. She dabbed at her eyes with each index finger and closed them while she shook. “I’m sorry, for crying. For overreacting before I had all the facts.”

Jane pursed her lips. She scanned Maura from head to toe, in her usual semi-casual Saturday shopping attire and having fully expected an evening out with her friend and instead finding that friend in bed with someone Maura barely knew. “You, uh, you don’t gotta be sorry,” said Jane. She looked down at her own hands, folded over her lap. She wore running shorts and an old, faded Red Sox t-shirt, and possibly mismatched socks. She imagined that if she lifted those hands up to her face, they would probably still smell like Tatiana Martinez Vazquez. Jane reddened again. “You don’t ever gotta apologize for feelin’ your feelings. And I fucked up today. We had plans and I forgot because I was thinkin’ with… well I wasn’t usin’ my brain. But we can still go, ok? I got a couple changes of clothes upstairs. Lemme just shower and get dressed and we can do everything we planned to.”

Maura perked up. “Are you sure you don’t need to… Should you at least call her? You must have left seconds after I did to get here so fast,” she replied. She couldn’t deny the hammering in her chest, explicit possession, a thrill that Jane had abandoned her tryst with a very attractive young woman to come be at Maura’s side.