#ttc textposts

[demigods-posts]

big idea!!! what if instead of annabeth falling off the cliff with the manticore!! the manticore drags her to the edge of the cliff so it doesn't fall alone!! and percy sees what's happening!! and wills a nearby water source to take hold of her hand!! because he wants to prove himself as a big three kid!! but the water does not catch her in time!! and percy has to watch annabeth fall into what looks like a dark and bottomless pit!!!

[magnus-chase-rights]

camper: how old are you?

ttc!happy!nico: ten!

camper: what do you wanna be when you grow up?

ttc!happy!nico: eleven!

[mountainsandmusings]

I took a pregnancy test tonight. I don’t know why. I haven’t taken one in months because of everything going on… Maybe because I’m on CD 120 for no apparent reason. Maybe because I keep gaining weight and look more and more like I really am pregnant. Maybe because people keep asking. But I’m not. It was negative. I knew it would be but I took it anyway. This would actually be a horrible time for it to be positive but the words ‘not pregnant’ hurt more than ever. It was my last test. I won’t be buying any more for a while.

[summerlimeismethebrony]

Some Draw the Squad things ft the Three Caballeros.

[demigods-posts]

currently writing a fanfic where thalia reflects on taking zoe's place as lieutenant. and the zoe and thalia parallels in the original series are so strong. i mean. both of their deaths were caused by their fathers. both of their deaths end with them staring up at the sky. both of their deaths lead to them being a symbol of sacrifice and heroism. both of them joined the hunt because they lost faith in a boy they cared for. both of them were trapped between a rock and a hard place. how am i just now realizing this?

[mountainsandmusings]

One of my best friends posted her pregnancy announcement today.

I already knew she was pregnant. I’ve known for almost two months.

But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

I’m absolutely ecstatic for her and for her husband and I cannot wait for what comes next.

But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

I already have a small stack of gifts tucked neatly away in a drawer and two more on the way. They were all picked out with painstakingly thoughtful care; they’re not just average gifts you buy for anyone. They’re special. Because I really am excited about this.

But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

Her announcement was utterly adorable, even more so because she purposely posted it the day before her birthday. It was something we’ve been talking about for weeks. I sent her ideas on Pinterest, she asked for the website where I ordered the onesie for my someday announcement, we laughed about including her cats in the picture.

But that doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

[mountainsandmusings]

It really does hurt every single day. I never expected it to hurt like this. Forget feeling pain over a random pregnancy announcement - when the announcement is from someone you love, the pain never goes away.

She registered at Babies R Us today... My heart physically hurts that I couldn’t be there to go with her. It should have been me helping her pick out cribs and pacifiers and everything in between. I should have been there. Once upon a time we wandered through the same aisles, slightly drunk, searching for the cutest baby clothes and sighing over the fact that it was years off for both of us. Today we could have done it for real. Instead I got to view the list on the opposite side of the country because military life is cruel and takes you away from everyone you ever love.

But it also hurts because I’m staring at yet another registry that isn’t mine. I got an idea of what she was looking for and then went on Etsy and spent over an hour searching for cuter, superior products than anything you can find at a big box store. I labored over which prints to choose for nursing pads, cloth wipes, a teething ring, and a crinkle toy. I went with foxes for the toy, to match the little stuffed fox my mother is stitching by hand for her.. The stuffed fox that will match the one I currently have hidden in a drawer. Someday, maybe, our babies will play with handmade matching toys while on opposite sides of the country. Someday. Maybe. Or maybe not.

Meanwhile another military friend is moving into her ninth month, which means soon my feed will contain even more baby pictures than it already does. I am overjoyed for her and her rainbow baby too, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. 

I am so over feeling this way.

[mountainsandmusings]

It's a boy

My best friends baby, that is. The gender reveal was today... it's hard to believe this much time has passed since the day she sent me the picture of a positive pregnancy test. They were hoping for a girl, as was I because half of my gifts are tailored more toward a girl who I could turn into a crazy cat lady. xD Time to rethink a lot of those gifts. Once again I am holding those feelings of immense joy mixed with despair and longing all at once. I am so over the moon excited to discuss names and everything else that comes with a baby... But the pangs of sadness and jealousy are just as present. I can't share this with her, not really. Nor can I be fully present for her when I am so entrenched in my own issues. This is only going to get harder, isn't it? Fuck.

[mountainsandmusings]

Ringing in 24 today

Honestly, nothing much to say except the usual of it not feeling special or feeling much different. The one new thing? There's a little bit of panic rising in the back of my throat. Next year I'll be 25... 25 seems old. Really old. And now with the PCOS and the failing at TTC, it's like I can almost hear a ticking clock. Logically I know that we have a lot of time before we have to worry about my age... But it doesn't feel that way. It feels like the pressure is on and the sand is slipping through the glass faster than ever before. I don't like this feeling.

[mountainsandmusings]

Today is a hard day.

Two more baby books came in the mail yesterday.... I’ve been ordering books for my best friend who is due in September, and I’ve been buying 2 copies of each - one for her and one for me, for a “someday baby.” I truly do not know why I do this to myself.

The first book I bought for her is a board book about the Pacific Northwest... her favorite corner of the earth and a place she misses like crazy since having to move away on military orders. A place that will always have my heart, even when we eventually leave. I want our children to know how profoundly important this place was to us. Two more books are about the infamous Grumpy Cat because she and I are both crazy cat ladies. They’re utterly adorable and I want to cry every time I look at them because I will have no use for them for a long, long time.

As my drawer full of baby items gets fuller, my heart gets heavier. 

I think it might be time for some therapy, as much I have always hated that idea. I’ve done everything possible to avoid it. I’ve avoided going to therapy for everything from severe anxiety to depression to coping with a chronic illness to trauma from multiple sexual assaults to trauma from work and everything in between. But the infertility is crushing me more than anything else ever has. I am on an island with no lighthouse in the middle of a tumultuous sea and no one is coming to rescue me. 

You save yourself or you remain unsaved, right? 

[mountainsandmusings]

It’s been a hard night.

It’s 2am already somehow... Casey will be home from work in an hour, which gives me less than an hour to pull myself together, put everything away, and pretend to be asleep so he won’t have to know that I’ve been hysterical for the last several hours. 

I have every single baby related thing sitting out on our bed with me, except for a very important book that is nowhere to be found. I ripped apart our entire apartment looking for it and I still can’t find it.. Now that everything is out, I don’t have a clue what to do with it all. I can’t keep it here. But I can’t just put it all back, either. I can’t. Especially without the lost puppy book that means so much. It’s going to drive me insane until i find it. I can’t have lost it, not the first book we bought for a baby that won’t come. Not the book that used to be Casey’s favorite. So I’m just sitting here staring at everything and crying and thinking about everything we might never have. This really is a new low.

Part of me wants to put all of this in a box and hide it in a place I won’t have to look at it. It’s just too much. I can’t look at the bookshelves and see the row of kids books that are gathering dust. I can’t look at my dresser and see the beautiful music box gathering dust. I can’t open my dresser drawer and see the baby leggings and the onesie tucked neatly under my stack of leggings. I can’t look at the shelf and see the tiny stuffed fox my mom stitched with love. I can’t keep seeing and walking past all of these things every single day and pretending that I don’t notice. I can’t open the bathroom cabinet and see the bottles of prenatal vitamins and the unopened boxes of pregnancy tests. I can’t keep taking vitamins and herbal supplements and charting my temperature and everything else every single god damn day like it actually fucking matters.

I am desperate to go back to the feeling we had over a year ago, when this all began. I remember so clearly the look on his face when he walked up to me carrying that music box. It was so full of happiness and excitement and the way he was looking at me took my breath away. I remember the look on his face and the feeling that made my heart swell on the afternoon in the antique store as we whispered and picked out books and hid them whenever his parents walked by. I remember him carefully picking up a copy of Poky Little Puppy and telling me how it was his favorite as a child. 

I remember the day I ordered the perfect announcement onesie, so sure that it wouldn’t take much longer to conceive since he had just returned from overseas and wouldn’t be leaving ever again. I remember the feeling of having blood drawn and feeling excited, because I was so sure it was finally happening. And I remember that phone call two days later telling me I was wrong. I remember every single time the test was negative since then and every time I’ve wanted to crawl into a hole and disappear forever because I’m failing at the most natural thing in the world. 

Why is this happening?

[mountainsandmusings]

Son of a bitch.

I’ve been cramping slightly the last several days and was hoping it was the sign of this cycle finally coming to an end, seeing as how it’s day 50..

But no.

It’s a cyst. It’s a goddamn cyst. Of course it is.

It feels like I am being stabbed from the inside and the pain is even worse when I try to do necessary things, like bend over or sit down or breathe too deeply. I hate this disease and I hate my dysfunctional ovaries that like to make cysts instead of eggs and I hate that I let myself get my hopes up when I knew I shouldn’t have.

[mountainsandmusings]

Here we go again. I can't go a whole day without taking a nap and I can't sleep at night. I'm still gaining weight and it's all going right to my stomach. I LOOK pregnant for crying out loud. I'm having wicked food cravings. The nausea is of course here as always. My mood swings are out of control and I sob at the drop of the hat. Literally, this is the third time I have today. But I guess at least this time it's justified. Because it's still not positive. It's never positive. But almost every month I find myself in this exact same predicament. Why? Am I just making all of this up in my head over and over again? I even asked a "psychic" when we're going to conceive the other day, because I've lost my fucking mind. This is what I've resorted to. I've gone crazy. Not that it helped either, because according to the prediction it won't be for two and a half years. Sounds about right, because nothing about this is easy or quick or fair. The timeframe of the prediction would mean not actually having the baby until 2020... a full 5 years after we started trying. Hilarious joke you're playing here, universe. I went into 2017 hopeful that we would have a baby this year. But it's become abundantly clear that won't happen. Conceive, maybe, if we're lucky. But I doubt it. That would be too easy. Either way, our family won't be growing this year and my heart is breaking every day. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

[summerlimeismethebrony]

Click for full image.

Some Draw the Squad things ft the Three Caballeros.

[summerlimeismethebrony]

Some Draw the Squad things ft the Three Caballeros.