#trying to look online and its been harder than i expected

[shoutsindwarvish]

this is my first elul while practicing. i have ocd AND social anxiety and so feel guilty over nothing (or something way overblown) that manifests in reassurance-seeking, and so engaging in the traditional reflective teshuvah practices of the season is a recipe for spiraling.

my rabbi said i absolutely shouldn’t do it if it’s going to trigger me and try to focus on self-care and on self-improvement in other ways but didn’t give me a lot of concrete alternatives. anyone else in a similar situation? and, if so, do you have any tips?

[fandoms-x-reader]

Shy But Mighty

Oneshot

Requested By: @fernstarsblog

Summary: Lucifer gets surprised by how strong you are.

Lucifer never would have expected this power to come from you.

You were such a kind and caring person. And you tended to act a bit reserved.

Not only that, but Lucifer tended to think of humans as a weaker species.

It was nothing personal, it was just that demons were built so much taller, larger, and stronger.

So, it was only natural for him to think that he would be stronger than you.

-

The two of you were in his study, sitting across from each other at his desk.

Lucifer had a bit too much Demonus that night - granted, it was because of you encouraging him to keep drinking.

This was one of the rare nights that Lucifer had you all to himself, so naturally, he wanted to enjoy it to its full extent.

So he continued to drink away while enjoying conversation with you.

Then - you decided to challenge him to an arm-wrestling competition.

A small smirk formed on his lips as the words left your lips. There was no way you could be serious, right?

You - a mere but very adorable human - were challenging him - one of the seven rulers of the Devildom - to a contest of strength?

Lucifer tried to politely decline. He didn’t want to hurt you.

“Are you scared of losing?” you asked him in response.

Lucifer’s eyes widened slightly at your question but then they glowed with a mischievous glint.

There were a lot of things that Lucifer had control of in his life, but his sin wasn’t always one of them.

And telling a very prideful demon that they weren’t doing something because they were scared was a terrible idea.

Lucifer’s smirk turned into a devilish smile as he leaned forward, his raven black locks falling slightly into his eyes.

He placed his dominant arm upright on the desk, before telling you, “Fine, if you want to embarrass yourself that badly.”

You would have scoffed if Lucifer wasn’t playing right into your hand.

–

A week ago, you had been cleaning things in your bedroom when Belphie stopped by to ask you a question.

That’s when he noticed you moving your heavy furniture around like it was nothing. 

Belphie was stunned at first, then suspicious of whether you were really a human or not.

He dragged Satan into spying on you with him and when they both witnessed your strength, they had decided that you couldn’t be human.

Satan confronted you about it, and the whole scenario made you laugh. 

You explained that you worked hard for your muscles and that you were just really strong.

Belphie, of course, then wanted to challenge you to a feat of strength.

He was the one who came up with the arm wrestling idea. 

But, when you beat him quicker than either of the two demons in the room believed should have been possible, Satan wanted a chance as well.

He blamed Belphie’s loss on the fact that he was the seventh born. Obviously, the fourth-born would be much harder to beat.

Or so he thought, until moments later he was wearing the same defeated expression.

Belphie and Satan sat in silence for a few moments after, trying to comprehend how they were weaker than you.

But, then Satan’s eyes lit up with excitement. “We could use this against Lucifer,” he stated.

Belphie was, naturally, immediately on board. “That’s it! He’ll be so embarrassed when he loses a contest of strength to a human,” Belphie added.

“And we can sneak in and take a picture of his expression when he’s embarrassed and post it online for everyone to see!” Satan continued, the two of them looking like kids who had just discovered the greatest treasure.

“Hold on,” you stated, unsure if you were completely on board with the idea.

You would be the one who was putting themselves on the line here, so you had a couple of questions.

“First, how do we know that I can beat Lucifer? I’m strong but he’s the first born for a reason,” you told them.

Before they could answer your first question you continued to question, “And, we’ve tried to take a picture of Lucifer before. He always catches us in the act so how do you plan on pulling it off this time?”

There was a moment of silence before Satan said, “Demonus.”

Belphie’s eyes lit up again. “We just need to get him to drink enough of it, and then his strength and awareness will be down. So you can win and we can take the picture,” Belphie agreed.

You pondered the idea for a moment and your two friends looked at you with hopeful eyes. 

You let out a small sigh, already knowing the assignment that was given to you.

You nodded your head and watched as they got large smiles before moving to get everything you needed to pull this off.

-

Even though it was all a scheme, you were really enjoying your conversation with Lucifer.

You were somewhat grateful that you had the job of making sure he drank plenty of Demonus.

But, the time for talking was over. Now, it was time for the second part of your job.

You moved forward as well, placing your hand in his gloved one, giving him an innocent smile.

On his mark, the match started and you watched as his expression turned from confidence to confusion to slight panic as you began winning the match.

You had a smirk on your face as his hand hit the desk and Lucifer looked at you in bewilderment.

*FLASH*

In his moment of defeat, Lucifer had let his guard down just as you all had planned.

He didn’t notice that Belphie and Satan had snuck into the room to take a picture of his grand defeat.

The three of you quickly left the room, knowing that your scheme was sure to make the eldest angry, Demonus or no Demonus.

“We got it!” Belphie told you as the three of you ran for your lives. 

Funnily enough, Lucifer wasn’t angry until you posted it online, on multiple different platforms, from multiple accounts.

By the time Lucifer managed to get them all taken down, practically the entire Devildom had already seen the picture.

The Anti-Lucifer League received a very long lecture from Lucifer after that and you each had your own proper punishments.

But, Lucifer would be lying if he said that your strength didn’t impress him.

He could have any excuse as to why he lost that match, but the truth of the matter was you were so much stronger than he would have imagined.

And seeing that strength put to good use did happen to spark his sin and make him smirk as he watched you in action.

After that day, whenever there was something that involved physical strength, Lucifer would take the back burner and suggest that you help instead so that he could see your display of power.

He won’t admit it, but it excited him to see you looking so powerful.

But, if you ever needed a reminder of who was really in power in this relationship, he would be more than happy to show you.

[genericpuff]

Hey quick question.

How do you know if you should make a webcomic? I have this story idea that’s been floating around in the back of my head that I think could work well for a comic series. But the problem is I’m mainly used to writing screenplays and more traditional writing.

What I’m saying is, how can I tell if making a webcomic is worth it or if I should stick in my comfort zone?

I mean, there's no definitive right answer when it comes to "knowing" if you should make a webcomic. It really just comes down to you. Do you really like the medium? Do you feel your story has to be told within that medium to achieve its goals?

Same thing goes for whether or not it's "worth it", it really comes down to how you define that. For some people, simply posting their comics online to a few readers each week is worth it. For others, if it doesn't get into print or publishing or whatever have you, it might not be quite so justifiable to keep up with. Neither is better or worse than the other, both reasons are valid because it ultimately comes down to what we as individuals are trying to accomplish and what we define as "worth it" on a personal level.

I actually live on both sides of the spectrum right now because with Rekindled, posting it on Tumblr and getting all the great feedback and company through the audience it's gained makes it worth it. But that worth was defined by my expectations going in - I wasn't making Rekindled for money (legally I can't), I wasn't making it to get an Originals deal or anything of the sort, I was just making it because I found myself deadset on going through with it after months of it living in my head rent free, and so what I've gotten out of it as a result is very much worth it, all I was really looking for was maybe some other readers who would enjoy reading a transformative 'foe fiction' from a former LO fan and I've found those readers in spades simply due to the demand.

Time Gate, on the other hand, was something that I wanted for years to be a 'successful' project, defined more by actual tangible growth and gain. Because I came up with it as a kid, for a long time it was my "magnum opus" project, the thing that I wanted to see get turned into books and an anime and a video game and all those sorts of things as 'proof' of how good it was. Of course, I know now years later that those expectations were WAY too high and it resulted in me feeling incredibly depressed over it for ages. It made it hard to work on and even though I did have some readers, I didn't see it as "worth it" because my expectations were a lot higher than that of Rekindled's going in. But that was simply a matter of experience at that point, because I had been making original comics for so long, when I went into Rekindled I knew a lot more what I was capable of, what I wasn't capable of, and what boundaries I was willing to put down for myself. Even still, I do still want to return to Time Gate some day and when I do, I want to still treat it like a series I want to get off the ground as an actual published piece of work - it's just that this time around, I actually know how to make those steps and be proactive in my approach (and I know where to keep my expectations) which is certainly a perspective and skillset I didn't have when I was 15 LMAO

I will say, realistically speaking, it is a lot harder to pursue webcomics as a writer, because the reality of this medium is that most people who go into it are artists who learn how to write to make a webcomic, not the other way around. Unless you're willing to learn how to draw - which is a whole other skillset that requires years of work and patience - you're likely going to have to seek someone to collaborate with and - I cannot stress this enough - it's not going to be someone you simply find on reddit who's willing to work for free. Again, many of us as artists went into webcomics with a project already in mind, so most artists are already working on their own passion projects, trying to convince someone else to work on yours is just not realistic or fair. I'm fortunate enough to have @banshriek along for the production of Rekindled and even then I still pay for their contributions out of pocket, they're as invested in an LO rewrite project as I am (and thus they're given a lot of room to make suggestions in both the set designs and the writing), and I still had to carry the first 20ish episodes on my own before they joined along, i.e. I would still be making Rekindled if they weren't onboard, but having them is a massive help that's taken the comic to a whole other level in its artistic production.

But that doesn't mean it's hopeless! There's a lot of interest right now in webnovels and writing comic scripts is still a completely viable way to get into the comics industry if you're really interested in doing so (fun fact: before I was making comics, I wrote fanfiction! This is probably not shocking to hear all things considered LMAO) There's a reason Webtoons owns Wattpad now, webnovels are a no-brainer when it comes to adaptations to visual mediums, and webcomics have become part of that environment by extension. So at the very least, if you want to get your story out there, there are loads of ways to do it that don't require you to make a comic - but if you really want to make one, there are ways to get into that industry through writing in other ways such as pitching scripts to comic publishers and/or going indie with webnovels. Ultimately, if many of us webcomic creators stopped drawing our works, we'd still be coming up with stories to write, because that's what's really at the heart of these sorts of projects. So even if you can't get into comics right away due to lack of visual artistry, that doesn't mean it's off the table forever ( ´ ∀ `)ノ～ ♡

Sorry, that was a lot of rambling but I hope it helps ! Remember to keep your goals and expectations manageable, and most of all, write lots! You'll be doing it anyways regardless of whether or not you get into comics, so whatever value you see in getting into comics is up to you to determine! You don't have to know right away, it might be something you'll find along the way or have to adjust as you get more experience, but don't stop yourself from getting creative and messing around until you find out what works! You won't know if it was worth leaving your comfort zone until you try it <3

Good luck! (•̀ᴗ•́)و

[fatal-blow]

i think your research and takes on stuff are really really cool, and id like to ask how exactly would i know if being hyper mobile or something that’s maybe like it is the cause of certain pains i have? like im really weirdly flexible in that part where your legs connect to your waist and in my shoulders, and those muscles in my waist and between my neck and shoulders are super sore and hard and a little cold 25/8 but its not debilitating, it just hurts to do some stuff more than it should. im not sure if i just need to stretch or something, and i hope my question makes sense because google didn’t understand. thank you!

hypermobility is harder to diagnose than some people realize, so I don't blame you for being confused hah

even if you don't have hypermobility, it does sound like you've got some muscle tension in the back of your body, especially in the upper back. being abnormally flexible in one spot and very stiff in others is also very common with hypermobility disorders--sometimes you lock up your muscles so much that you don't think you could be hypermobile, but the truth is that the muscles can stiffen up so much that even the most flexible people can end up with poor range of motion, thinking that they have no flexibility at all. my father isn't hypermobile, but he has Neander Foot and his muscles have all stiffened up to counteract the foot/ankle instability.

i also want to sit you down and tell you that your body can be trusted. ignore whatever doctors have said to you, and take a solid, objective look at your body. look at in the mirror, compare your bone structure to references online and see if anything seems out of place. take a moment to try to stand with your feet together, and relax every muscle in your body. if you lose balance, this is a sign of instability in your posture. compare your abilities and body sensations with friends and family (and hope that they dont all have it too, or else you might think it's "normal"!)

because Neander Foot tends to affect the back of the body (because you usually feel like you're going to fall forwards, the back muscles literally hold you up) i think that it could apply to you. check the outsides of your legs and ankles, see if they are also firm or cold. check for any spots that hurt when you put pressure on them--you should be able to firmly poke all parts of your skin and muscle without pain or discomfort.

when you tell me the pain isn't debilitating, all i hear is that you are in pain, and that you and probably a lot of other people have been ignoring or downplaying it. and with symptoms related to hypermobility and Neander foot, they tend to grow so slowly as well that you might not have noticed how bad it has truly become.

Neander foot and hypermobility are also very much comorbid with autism and adhd, so if you have either of those count that towards the yes column. they are also both, ESPECIALLY Neander foot, much more common than people realize. these are not rare conditions, and considering we're on the autism website, i expect those numbers to skew even higher than the general population.

[sophia-sol]

Delicious in Dungeon (Dungeon Meshi), by Ryoko Kui, translated by Taylor Engel

I decided to read Dungeon Meshi because I kept seeing people on tumblr posting about the new anime adaptation, and it looked fun and cute. And although I don't watch much tv, there was an entire manga I could read instead! So I did.

The basic premise: in a world where adventuring parties going on dungeon crawls is a thing that happens, one guy has a dream: to be able to cook and eat all the different kinds of monsters in the dungeon, to be able to find out how they taste!

And because his party needs to be able to head deep into the dungeon to rescue a party member who was left behind, and they don't have the funds or the time to collect supplies, all of a sudden they have REASON to need to eat monsters. They're going to forage and hunt for all their meals as they make their way down.

So using that as the basis, the manga goes on to explore the worldbuilding, the interrelationships of the characters in the party, everyone's backstories and reasons for being there, a developing plot, and of course, the ingredients and nutritional composition and flavour of every meal they eat.

I absolutely adored every bit of this!!! The main characters are all a delight, and it's the kind of story where the author sees and shows you the inherent personness of all characters, including antagonists. And the world created to make sense of the dungeon's existence is fascinating, as are all the ways the ecosystems within the dungeon are expanded upon to make sense of the creatures living within it.

And it's a story that knows what its themes are, too, and is able to tie them all together in extremely satisfying ways in the climax of the narrative!

I had this moment leading up towards the ending where I was like:

[thematic spoilers below the cut]

ohhhh it's about….everyone being part of a balanced ecosystem of life and death where everything sustains everything else! the various human species included! and I was filled through my very soul with this feeling of connectedness myself.

Anyway it was amazing and I had a lot of feels.

And as well as enjoying all of that, I also just really loved our main characters! We start out seeing them all fairly shallowly but over the course of the story as more aspects of them are revealed they're all just…..I love every one of them.

I did struggle with a few aspects of the manga, but none of it significantly affected my ability to enjoy the read:

It kept adding more and more characters, and I got rather lost occasionally trying to keep track of them all. But ultimately it's not vital to remember every tertiary character to get a good read out of this, so it's not as bad as it could be.

In the mid to later parts, it became a lot more plot focused and actiony than I'd really been expecting, in a way that made it harder for me to follow, since fight scenes in sequential art are challenging for me. And occasionally it drew back more than I wanted from its focus on food. But it refocused eventually!

It turned out to be pro monarchy in the end, which isn't my fave, but it's not like a major theme of the manga or anything so I could overlook it.

I kept expecting it to have at least a little bit of textual queerness, and there wasn't any as far as I could see! Even various background relationships or depictions of people's attraction was m/f. But uh. Falin/Marcille, anyone? There are some powerful vibes there. (I'll also accept Laios/Kabru)

In conclusion, I highly recommend it, and if you want to read it, you can read the whole thing online for free in English translation here: https://dungeonmeshi.com/manga/dungeon-meshi-chapter-1/

[fangshing]

Hello!

This a member of the TV Station trying to apologize to you. Originally, I was going to send you a direct message but you have all of my blogs blocked and I don't want to pull what Arty used to and make a blog just to message you. That's creepy.

I want to start off by saying I am genuinely very sorry for her harassing you in the past and while the entire situation seems like a joke, a horrible grab for attention or fake I promise you this is very much real it has been very much affecting my personal life and the investigation with Ezra.

Full disclosure; I don't know you. I never wanted your contact information or your Discord, people would usually just kind of relay others to me expect me to know what's going on but I really am trying my best to distance myself from the situation which is impossible when I'm the only person who's out in the open if that makes any sense.

Understandably I get why you wouldn't want to see what I post unless someone else's screenshotting it without my permission and posting it, both sides have done this and I don't appreciate it and I typically don't see it because I'm very rarely on Tumblr and if I do see someone reposting my stuff without asking (which I'm only paranoid about because one of Sunny's friends has edited my face white more than once) I can't do much to undo the action.

I can say I know that the blogs typically will reblog a post without any commentary because it was meant to go into drafts or something to be commented on later or archived on the internet archive or some other thing I really don't know and really don't care because this is dragging my entire reputation through the mud it's been making everything harder for every person in my life right now.

You have no reason to believe this is me and I don't really have any way to show except if I take a screenshot of this and post it which I probably will at some point, but I am deeply sorry for the harassment you've faced. You're welcome to DM me with any questions you have or for any explanations.

Two things we can say is that we don't have a fictive of Taylor's OC and Arty is a real person, her deadname is in Sunny's callout.

Ben

Since you're being polite and trying to clear the air, I'll refrain from being a sarcastic bitch in this post. I do not forgive you, but its nice that you felt the need to apologize.

That being said, I don't appreciate that you block-evaded, even if your intentions were good. I do not want to speak with you, Hau, or anyone else in the TV Station system. I have made that abundantly clear on several different occasions.

The thing with the archiving still puzzles me. Posts from people who are twice removed from the drama (that is, only involved because they are interacting with me) are being cataloged even if the post has absolutely nothing to do with you. Like, a post that was just lyrics from a nonsensical YouTube video was saved by one. Why?

This entire situation doesn't have to continue. You and your friends don't have to do this. There is nothing to gain from trying to defend your character online. Ultimately this hurts nobody but yourself. People have already made up their minds about you and no amount of convincing will get them to change their minds. They are inconsequential anyway; the likelihood of you ever meeting them in person is slim to none. Internet slap fights where someone is trying to protect their honor has never ended well and has always resulted in more trouble for them than if they let it go.

The nature of human beings is that people will always take offense to what you do, no matter what that may be. You don't have to acknowledge them or try to prove them wrong. Like I said above, its doubtful you will meet any of your online detractors, and even less likely that they'll know who you are if they do. The opinions of someone who is this unimportant doesn't have to matter. If you don't look at their accounts, you will never know what they said, and it can never hurt you.

You don't have to take my advice, but I thought I would at least offer my two cents instead of saying "lol fuck off" because that helps no one.

[pompadourpink]

hello mom! i was wondering if you had any advice about overcoming serious (permanent) illness while young. i know my goals really havent changed, but the way i feel about myself and the way i look at the world definitely has, and i dont really have a support system to navigate this. its just me trying to figure out how to make a life out of this on my own.

Hello darling,

I am going to guess that it is not sometimes that will greatly impact your life expectancy. I will say that I feel for you, having health issues is an exhausting experience, especially when productivity is expected from you on a daily basis to survive.

I would first recommend that you allow yourself to feel your feelings. It is not fair that we get thrown in this system without having a way out, that not being able to work will get you starving, not knowing how to stand up for yourself will lead to medical negligence, that we even have to pay for necessities. It is frustrating, especially when just a few decades ago, a family of five used to live comfortably on one salary made by a high school dropout. Accept that it is not your fault and that it makes sense that you are struggling, because things are objectively much harder these days.

Being somehow dysfunctional can lead to disappointment when you realise that you have to give up on certain dreams, and, again, feeling dejected by it is normal. Needing more TLC than others is typically seen as a weakness when it should not be, and above everything else, I really hope you understand, especially in your position, being the only one in your own team at the moment, the power of taking care of yourself in the way you need. Treat yourself like you would treat younger you if you had their custody, not like an enemy, or a source of shame, or a victim. You wouldn't despise seven year old you if life was too hard to go outside today.

Now, what to do:

I talked about it here: make your life as simple as you can. No need to talk yourself out of self-hatred for letting your flat turn into a dumpster if you physically cannot do that because you don't own enough things for it to happen. No need to remove the knots in your matted hair if it is too short to mat or if it is long enough that you can braid it tight and forget about it for a few days whenever that is what you need.

Make conscious choices when you give away time, energy, or money. Don't mess with whatever will lead to irritation or endanger your self-esteem and happiness. Be good at saying no.

Make joy a priority, whether it means listening to the Gipsy kings when you clean, getting pink sheets, baking and smiling to yourself because the house smells good, watching Mamma Mia weekly, trying watercolour, etc. If it makes you feel lighter, do it as often as you can and with your head high.

Make a short list of long-time goals, divide them into small bites and get cracking; if you are a visual, print a few pictures and make a dream board you can look at every day, remembering that all of that is on the other side of effort.

Find your people. There are billions of us and you need a handful. Go where you feel good, in real live or online, and be the friendly new neighbour. While you need to be comfortable with solitude, being loved will do amazing things for you, short and long term; it can be added to your list of goals and divided: make small talk at the supermarket, go to a workshop, give a compliment to a stranger. Trust requires vulnerability, and you might have to make the first move. The worst they can say is no. They might not.

Illustration:

Reddit comments, January 2020, about resolutions:

Reddit DM, a few hours later:

Signal DM, August 2024:

And she's been the light of my life ever since.

Love,

Mum

Fanmail - masterlist (2016-) - archives - hire me - reviews (2020-) - Drive

[rikarimu]

⋆˚✿˖° - ft. CONNIE SPRINGER | contains: f! reader. unprotected penetrative sex. nsfw. au. aged up to 21. connies just so cute <33

author's note: excuse any grammar mistakes!!

you and connie were strictly friends. nothing more and nothing less. connie and you would flirt constantly, but he never seemed to think much of it and you tried to play it off to the best of your abilities. you guys were practically studying the same major when you met connie. he was really funny and helpful, especially when it came to some of the harder concepts.

ding!

connie: hey do you wanna study together tn??

you: sure what time

connie: 5? ur place cool? jean said that he has someone coming over tn

you liked the message in response. 5pm had rolled around quicker than you expected with connie knocking on the door. you open it to him, looking down at you with those big hazel eyes. you let him in, locking the door behind you. he puts his stuff down by the dining table and starts going through your fridge.

"so, jean still trying to get over mikasa?" you ask following him into the kitchen.

"yeah," he says as he pulls out the cotton candy grapes you have and some juice. "He'll be okay, though. I think it's fucked that mikasa slept with him just to piss off eren. she knew what she was doing."

"have you talked to her?" you ask jumping up on the counter, sharing the grapes.

"Sasha did. says she feels bad, blah, blah, ya know? anyways though, its the same fuckin thing every time." He rolls his eyes and takes a sip of the juice.

you throw a grape in the air and try to catch it with your mouth, but you miss and it hits you in the forehead. Connie watches this and chuckles.

"here let's see if u can do it," challenging him by tossing a grape in the air for him to try. he moved too slow and it hits him in the head, bouncing off. you start laughing. he laughs with you too. you eyes catch and your heart skips because the way he's watching you. noticing you. you break the eye contact and put up your sarcastic demeanor to try and play off the sudden tension.

"so are we gonna do this statics homework or what?" you ask him, jumping down from the counter.

you take your seat at the table, opening your laptop, pretending that you don't notice him watching you. you blush realizing who it is that's staring at you. you've always had a minor crush on connie but never made a move since you guys were pretty close and didn't wanna ruin the friendship. Sasha, even eren (randomly), thinks u guys should go out but, again, you play the nonchalant card.

u check the time and its been about an hour and u guys have barely completed the first problem. one of you guys always breaks the silence to joke and sometimes, both of you will just completely forget about what you guys are working on. finally, you play-yell at connie.

"okay, I've had enough of your sick fucking jokes. can we please finish this?"

"my sick jokes! really, you're gonna pretend like you're not the sick fuck here!" connie jokes (again). you tilt your head and give him a look that he gets.

You guys sit in silence, while Connie begins to search for useful study materials online. You watch as he types on the keyboard with nimble speed, his eyes scanning the screen intently. You find yourself lost in his movements, mesmerized by the way his hands move deftly over the keys. Connie glances over at you and smiles. “Thanks for letting me come over today,” he says. “Yeah, it was nice of you to ask,” you reply, feeling yourself blush slightly. He sets his computer aside and leans in closer to you, and you let out a small gasp as he brushes his lips against yours. The action is so sudden and unexpected that you’re caught off guard, but you don’t pull away. Instead, you lean into the kiss, feeling a rush of euphoria.

As you deepen the kiss, you feel his hands move to your thighs. You can feel how his big hands engulf the skin, gripping you a little hard as he lifts you out of your chair into his lap. As you straddle him, you hear yourself moan softly as he pulls you closer, deepening the kiss. You part ways, breathless and disoriented. You feel like you could drown in his eyes, his touch, his scent. Your hands slide up his chest, exploring the contours of his muscles beneath his t-shirt. You feel his heartbeat beneath your fingertips, syncing with your own rhythm. He pulls away slightly, his eyes searching yours with intensity. “What do you want to do next?” he asks, his voice rough with desire. You shudder at his words, your body buzzing with anticipation. “Fuck me,” you reply, your voice barely audible.

Your hearts races as he picks you up and carries you to your room. Once inside your room, you're flooded with sensations of excitement and anticipation. He guides you over to your bed, and lays you down at the edge of the bed. You're both too lost in each other's gaze to speak, but you know what's to come. As he leans in closer, your whole body is on fire. He brushes his lips against your neck, sending shivers down your spine. You breathe deeply, wanting more.

Your fingers trail down his chest, down his abs, to his waist, and finally to his boxer briefs. Your hand slips inside, feeling his warmth and hardness against your fingertips, and you moan softly. He groans, pressing his lips to your neck again as he digs his hard-on into you through your clothes. You can feel his arousal against your thigh, and you shift uncomfortably. You want him, you need him, and you can’t deny it anymore.

You want him to kiss and lick and hold you tight. You’re burning up, and you can feel your body tremble with anticipation and desire. “Connie, please,” you beg, your voice low and husky. “I need you.” He looks at you, his eyes filled with a mixture of lust and tenderness. “I need you too,” he whispers, before leaning in to kiss you once again. His hands roam over your body, exploring every inch of flesh on display. You feel yourself growing wetter by the second, your body responding to his every touch. Slowly, he undresses you, pulling off your clothes with deliberate care. You shiver as the cool air hits your exposed skin, but you don’t object. You’re entirely consumed by him, every touch and caress driving you further and further towards the edge. Finally, you’re lying there fully naked, your skin flushed with desire.

Connie is hovering above you, looking down at you with desire. He reaches out, tracing the curves of your body with his fingers, before leaning in to capture your lips in a passionate kiss. His thumb finds your clit, rubbing small circles. You moan softly, your body arching into his touch as he deepens the kiss.

Your hands roam over his chest, his abs, and his waist, feeling every ridge and valley as he breaks the kiss and moves down your body. His lips brush against your neck, your collarbone, and finally down to your chest, leaving a trail of kisses in their wake. You're lost in his touch, your body buzzing and aching with desire. You feel his hand make its way between your legs, slowly he inserts his middle and forefinger. Your body bucks and shivers uncontrollably at his touch, yearning for more. He pauses, gazing at you with lustful intent. “All wet, just for me. All of this, just for me,” he murmurs, his voice filled with emotion.

"Don't stop,” you plead, desperate for him to continue. He doesn't need to be asked twice, his mouth moving your breasts as his fingers continue to tease and pleasure your body. With each kiss, your desire grows stronger. Your body is on fire, wanting more of him. You reach your hand down his pants and begin to slowly jerk him off. “No, not yet,” he replies, his eyes sparkling with mischief. Connie continues to touch you, teasing you, and making you crave him more and more. You feel your body tense and your breath catch in your throat. "Please," you whisper, unable to contain yourself any longer. "Please, just fuck me." Connie looks at you with a look of pure lust in his eyes, and you can tell he's ready to give in to your request. He pulls off his underwear and aligns his tip with your entrance. "Fuck, you're so beautiful," he murmurs, his voice thick with yearning. He slides almost all the way in. You grab the sheets and moan.  “‘s too much, Connie.” “You can handle it babygirl, as he pushes himself deeper inside of you. You feel like you’re being stretched beyond your limits, but you’re loving every second of it. He starts to move in and out of you with a slow, seductive rhythm that drives you wild. You feel like you’ve never been so turned on in your life, and you moan loudly as he continues to drive his cock deeper into you. You feel your core ready to break. He lifts himself up, gripping your hips as tight as he can, watching as he goes in and out of you. He loves the view of you. Tits bouncing with every thrust, you gripping his arms, the sheets, anything to try and ground you. He liked how he had you, how stupid you got on his cock. Babbling and begging him to fuck you, to go deeper. But what he enjoyed most, was the way his name sounded every time you moaned it. It was him. He was making you feel this way. He wanted to be the only reason you moaned. The only reason you came. He moves his arms on both sides of your head, to go deeper, to feel your skin on his. You take this as an opportunity to dig your nails into his back and running your hands through his buzzcut. He feels the way your cunt is sucking and squeezing his cock, and all he wants to do is make you cum.

“I wanna see you come apart,” He says beginning to pick up the pace. You feel a new wave of pleasure wash over you.

“Yes, yes, I'm close,” you moan, his touches, the intensity of his love making. You moan as his lips on your neck and you're in love and desire. “Cum for me.” He’s grunting and kissing your neck as he plows in you. Your walls are buckling as he thrusts deeper and deeper.

”Please, Connie, please,” You pleaded, needing him to continue. Finally, your coil snaps and you’re screaming Connie’s name. He’s still thrusting relentlessly, leaving you drunk on pleasure.

You moan, gasping for air, feeling like you're flying high. You can feel his muscles contracting, his release building up inside you. “Please fuck me, Connie. Don't stop, ” You beg, your eyes are closed, in a trance of pleasure, not knowing where your hands are, but they're probably cradling, caressing, feeling him up. ”I'm so close.” Connie says, and you feel him twitch inside you. You can feel the pressure building up inside of you, and you're getting close to climaxing again. Your body is tense, your muscles tensing up as Connie pounds harder and harder into you. Connie's eyes lock onto yours, and you feel your heart skipping a beat. You're in awe at the sight of him, lost in his touch and the way he fills you up, feeling the pleasure in your body. Connie looks down at you with a mix of lust and love.

He leans in for another passionate kiss, his lips pressing against yours eagerly. He tenses, feeling him twitch again and you both cum at the same time. You feel his hot, white stripes fill you up as Connie continues to still deeply thrust into you as you ride out your highs together. He pulls out and lays down next to you. Your hearts are still racing, and you're both panting and sweaty from the intimate encounter. "Wow," he says, still feeling the after effects of your pleasure ride. You pat his chest and sit up, beginning to get dressed.  “Thanks for that,” you say, feeling embarrassment creeping up on you. 

Connie chuckles and stands up, “You're welcome. I'm glad you enjoyed it,” Connie says.

You continue to get dressed, feeling embarrassed and guilty at the same time. You're not sure how to feel about what just happened. On one hand, you're incredibly turned on and satisfied. But on the other hand, you're also feeling a sense of guilt and embarrassment. Connie seems to sense your discomfort and gently pulls you into a hug, holding you close. "It's okay. You don't have to worry about anything right now," he says softly.

“You don’t want to head out?” You ask him confused, assuming this was all he wanted with you. “What? Do you want me to leave?” He asks looking a little hurt. You feel a stab of guilt in your heart. “I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you” He looks at you with a smile. “You didn’t. I’m just confused is all. I’m not sure what your end goal is, Connie.” You replied, trying to understand and explore your feelings and emotions towards him. “I like you. I’m not sure about like labels yet, but I’d like to see where this goes,” he says, searching your face for what you’re thinking.” You nod. “I’d like that too.” You smile at him and kiss him.

[whumpdyke]

Whumptober #1:

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

——————————————————

“C’mon sweet thing, this one will be easy.” Whumper cooed, so much closer to Whumpee’s face than they’d thought he was. They shifted back with a small animal sound of fear before their face was grabbed harshly and pulled once again close to their captor. “No, no giving up. That’s a bad habit, there’s no space for that here. Just try.”

Whumpee nodded softly as well as they could between the clenched fingers pushing into their cheeks. Maybe this one would be easy. In the dead dark before their eyes, covered securely with a blindfold, they saw little spots start to dance. They’d be unconscious again soon, and that brought a soft breath of relief. When this had all started, that realization have would bring a full blown panic, but by now they knew that it was the one way to secure peace. They might as well try before they faded away again.

“Good, that’s perfect.” Whumper’s hand moved up to pet their hair gently, ignoring the shaking that it brought on. “Okay, you ready?”

“…Yes.” Whumpee’s voice was hardly a whisper.

“Alright, sweet thing. How many fingers am I holding up?” Whumper asked. Gentle and clearly expectant of an immediate answer.

Fresh tears started to soak Whumpee’s blindfold and they choked down a sound of protest. They tried to feel if Whumper’s hand was still on them, if they could feel and differentiate between the folded and outstretched fingers, but the hand was gone from their hair and all they could see was black, black, black.

“I…I don’t know.” The last word was choked and desperate. Whumper tsked softly and then sighed, clearly disappointed. Whumpee’s blood ran cold.

“You said you were going to try this time. You just have to think, I know you can count. I’ll give you another try.”

Whumpee’s mind reeled, the dancing spots making their reappearance as their breath caught again and again. They didn’t know, they couldn’t see, didn’t this psycho see the fucking blindfold, they’d been in the dark for so long for so so long and there was no light or fingers or numbers or anything except the blurry spots and their own blood rushing inside their ears and…

“Th-three.” They guessed.

“Hmm. That’s wrong, sweetheart. You really need to be making more of an effort, this is getting embarrassing for you.” Whumper sounded genuine, truly disappointed and Whumpee couldn’t take it. They hated this stupid game and this fucking monster making them play it and they just wanted anything but this darkness and pain. Whumper spoke again, “What do you think is a good punishment to encourage you to work harder next time?”

An involuntary noise, pure anguish and fear, clawed its way up through Whumpee’s throat and they shook there where they sat on the hard, unforgiving floor.

“God, you’re too stupid to even think of one, huh? I guess it’s my job again. You really could pick up the slack sometimes, you know.” Whumper chastised, and Whumpee heard the sound of a metal tool scraping against a tray that they knew must be blood soaked by now. And they couldn’t even pull together the will to scream.

Note: This is my first time participating in Whumptober or really writing whump at all! I’ve done quite a bit of personal and academic writing but have never put anything online, so I’m looking forward to participating this month and reading other people’s work. I hope you enjoyed! :)

[mannatea]

Break Open the Sky, a Tales of Symphonia ‘fic (Chapter 4)

Current Word Count: 28,360 Summary: What kind of “Hero” of Regeneration would she be to leave an infant to fend for itself? Someone had to have left it here for a reason. The question was, of course, why? But as she lifted the little thing carefully into her arms, the motion reminding her of nights so far in the past, now, the why seemed almost tragically clear: this baby was of mixed blood. Chapter Summary: Raine and the girls make it to Palmacosta. Pairing/Characters: Raine, Original Characters, will also feature Genis, Regal, and Sheena. Endgame is Regal/Raine. Extra Info: This is technically an Accidental Baby Acquisition story, but I liken it more to “Doorstep Baby” literature because it sure ain’t cute. Rating: Mature, for themes. Genre: Eventual romance, gen, family, character study.

The title is the link to Ao3 for Chapter 4! If you read it please feed me a little comment. I love you x4. 🤍🤍🤍🤍

Notes below the cut:

Finally, Genis is here! There might be a little bit more to that Meltokio party than meets the eye, but we'll get there eventually. In the meantime, Genis gets to be the voice of reason—and he is necessary to temper Raine's anxiety.

Not that she can be expected to think super clearly when she's so stressed out and in pain, but she already felt that the incident in Meltokio was her fault and a pretty big deal. Like wow, way to be a terrible friend to someone you actually really respect and value!!

Regal is probably the #1 most eligible bachelor in the world, so maybe Genis is right and something like a good night kiss hardly even fazed him. He gets a lot of attention and another tiny speck of it would be unlikely to make a difference. Plus, if they're still exchanging letters it's doubtful he's holding it against her.

But for Raine it's still that thing where letters are easy and being around someone in person is harder, especially when she worries her presence might remind them of something she did ages ago.

--

Before anyone can ask, I'm going with brassiere as a term because I feel like it. I imagine Raine isn't the sort to care much for looking pretty and would opt for something functional and plain and probably loose/adjustable.

So here are a couple of things that I had in mind for this two second mention of Raine wearing a brassiere that got me lost in archives online for hours:

--

Locke Hill Creek & Locke Hill Crossing are here:

--

Yellow gingham (for anyone who might not be as familiar with the term/pattern):

--

Something I really like about the game's treatment of Raine is that they allow her to be a terrible cook but never really dig into the (extremely exhausting and rage-inducing) trope of it being funny because she's a woman. They just let it be a problem she has and leave it at that to joke about on its own terms.

They also don't go out of their way to act like she has no domestic skill at all, which is a huge relief.

I think it makes sense that she might be pretty good at sewing, if only because she would have had to get good at it, and I suspect she might have been the one to make the clothes she and Genis wear in-game; they're so specifically elf-styled (to help them blend in/lead credence to their lie) and with no elves out and about in Sylvarant, it only really makes sense that she is the one who made them (as she's the only one with memories of what they should even look like).

--

Genis references the "My Sister" skit. I recommend watching with the Japanese voice acting here because it's soooo good.

She's obviously very touched by him saying that but doesn't show her feelings outwardly very well.

This becomes more important later, but Raine isn't exactly ignorant that she's not very good at processing emotion or showing her feelings. She still struggles with it, though, and now that she's looking after more children does try to make an effort to be more naturally/casually affectionate out of almost a fear of setting a poor example. (Like the scene where she tries to comfort Lila and Marcie and goes out of her way to touch them.)

--

Speaking of Genis again, he was a bit tough to get "right" in this chapter due to the large timeskip (five years is a long time for him). He's 17 going on 18 and we missed some of those formative teen years. I like to think he's still a bit of a sassy brat, but has learned how to watch his mouth a little bit and act more maturely.

I also feel a really strong connection to Raine and Genis's relationship due to my own relationship with my youngest (extremely gifted) sibling, whom I helped to educate (early in life) and raise, and who once told me I was like a second mother to her. I sort of modeled Genis's behavior after hers from around that same age, though only in conversational maturity and studiousness. ;)

It's not that he's not surprised at the situation Raine's found herself in because he is; but he's trying to respond to that in a way that won't also encourage Raine to distance herself from him. They did travel together for 3 of the last 5 years, so he's no stranger to her particular behavior quirks.

Also, there's something to be said for...you know...the fact that it's not as if what has happened can be undone. Now he's just gotta roll with it and try to help!

--

OC ROLLCALL:

Baby (infant left with Raine; not named)

Lila (10 years old, powder blue hair, blue eyes, half-elf, adopted by Raine)

Marcie (8 years old, ash-blonde hair, hazel eyes, half-elf, adopted by Raine)

Cynthia (half-elf in a merchant caravan who assists Raine briefly)

--

Next time we head to Altamira! On a ship! 🤢 I'm sure Raine will be very excited for it.

Thank you for reading! If you have time please do take a moment to leave a little comment on Ao3! 🤍

[citylawns]

Hey! Just wanna share a few things to show solidarity. I used to be skinny. I am shocked at and disgusted by the hateful, ignorant, mind-numbing messages you've been getting when you mentioned that people mistook you for a model. I have been skinny shamed most of my life. I was also called a supermodel by one of my male friends for my face (which he mentioned specifically) and that didn't sit well with a female in our group who was desperately trying to lose weight for aesthetic purposes and was starving herself in order to do so (meanwhile I was the one who was eating well), and she tried to skinny shame me most of the time. Anyway, what I wanted to say is, there will always be people who want to shame you for being anorexic when you're not, and it doesn't matter, because mostly they're just individuals who don't accept diversity. Those people are mostly ignorant and have been victims of beauty standards for so long that if anyone falls into those standards naturally, they'll make assumptions about their eating habits. It's already immensely dumb that people will assign mental illnesses to a random person online, without realising they're actually announcing their own insecurities when they make those comments. Lack of introspection, sure, but also lack of common sense and basic intelligence tbh. I applaud your replies to their inane garbage. Kudos to you!

thank you for this message!

"Those people are mostly ignorant and have been victims of beauty standards"

I think this is true, although we are all victims of beauty standards no matter how we look, but its harder for some than others and me and you definitely benefit from them to a large extent! I've always had plus sized friends and strangers come to my defense and support me when I've been body shamed, because they fucking get what its like and hold no animosity towards me! and I do the same for them and always will.

I never know how the people who comment on my body look online but when it is in person it's always mid-sized (I think thats the term?) people who are neither thin nor plus sized, who still suffer from the expectations of beauty standards but seem to take it out on both fat and thin people. of course this is just something I've noticed, it's a generalisation and not true for every situation. it's just so sad that like you said, often other women want to compete with you or hate the unwanted male attention you inevitably get. it's absolutely from a place of insecurity and you have to learn to balance defending yourself with being sensitive to why they are lashing out! I now think its important for their healing to tell these people they can't go around labelling peoples bodies like that or trying to trigger someone, that in order to be kinder to themselves they need to reflect on why they are trying to hurt others

[lookinginview068]

I can't tell when it started. When was I sundered?

Was it during childhood, where I spent every day in fear at home and in school for reasons I can barely bear to recall? Did it happen when I left for school at 14, not knowing that I was never going to return home, nor that I would spend the summer cramped in a one bedroom apartment with equally terrified family members I had to protect? Did it happen when I finally got so broken down from all the stress and the trauma, that I never got a chance to heal from, and finally had a psychotic breakdown from? Was it when a stalker followed me for over half a decade, forcing me to protect myself by any means necessary?

I feel like I've always fought to maintain an image in the hopes of dissuading closer scrutiny of just how fundamentally broken I am. I always have to try to find explanations for the things I don't myself understand.

But there are just too many. I can't explain why I'll feel attracted to women one day to then feel repulsed by the base prospect another. I can't explain why I'll have waves of dysphoria for what might seem like my body, but is more akin to my entire personhood as a whole.

I used to create fake identities online growing up. In way, it served as an outlet for parts of me that could only ever thrive without the ties to the single individual I have to maintain and present myself as. It feels like a prison, where I am allowed one sense of self.

I used to navigate IRL with multiple gender presentations and names in my teens, and that's the happiest I've ever been... and the reason it worked so well I think is because these facets of me had different and separate groups of people around them. These facets weren't seen as ultimately linked to this "main" piece, but got to grow almost completely unshackled.

I couldn't do that now. Everything directly links back to the "me" I should by all means settle for and resonate with. But I just don't, and the longer I'm stuck being limited solely to the same people as the years go by, the more noticeable these discrepancies in my opinions, recollections and perceptions of things become harder to ignore.

I feel like I'm increasingly coming off as a complete and utter hypocrite and even liar to the people around me, because I try to give explanations to rationalize the things they clearly pick up on (whether consciously so or not) but that stem from things I don't know if I could ever talk about.

What's worse is that I know that I am blessed to be so trusted by my loved ones, despite the signals my behaviour gives off. I know for a fact that I come off as suspiciously secretive a lot of the time, and that my tendency to keep all my friends and loved ones from getting to know each other could be interpreted in all manner of bad looking ways. But I don't know how else to cope with feeling imprisoned like this.

Because not only does it prevent other people from feeding each other the idea of what can be expected from me, and what type of person it is. It prevents them from talking about me, and connecting over the person they think I am.

And it sounds so pathetic when putting it that way! Comically so even to my ears! Because I don't actually care about what they say, but rather it's the idea of my fabricated, coherent and singular "brand" of personhood being perceived that repulses me on such a visceral level.

And what could I even do about it? I'm not a set of multiple, distinct people. I don't have more than one consciousness. And yet I'm just a walking collection of fragments that I can't tell whether that's what I've always been, or if the process of breaking down happened so slowly and gradually that I just never noticed until I cut myself on the pieces.

If a mirror breaks, do we consider the mirror to be one construct or multiple? Does the word 'mirror' become a term describing the collective group of its broken shards? Or is it that the shards can just as well be their own separate entities while ultimately still being an integral part of what makes up a mirror?

I am forever stuck right by that very mirror. My reflection doesn't always look the same. It might change depending on the angle, it might move itself independently from my own movement, or it might even happen without me realizing when. The mirror isn't me, but merely stands before me, just like both my body and sense of self stand before me in a way that emphasizes how much of bystander I truly am.

I feel frustrated and embarrassed over the mirror, and try to explain to everyone who sees it why it's so ugly and cracked and why I can't do anything about it. All the pieces reflect me, but they don't look the same. I can't tell which piece is 'the most me.'

I'm a man. I'm a woman. I'm gay. I'm lesbian. I'm nothing. I'm too much. I'm attracted to women. I'm repulsed by them. I'm attracted to men. I'm repulsed by them. I desire a dick. The idea of having one repulses me. I desire breasts. The idea of having them repulses me. I am a man who looks like a woman. I'm a woman who looks like a man.

All these things would somehow feel less contradictory if they all stemmed from one singular individual. Instead I have to look away from one that one mirror shards reflection, only to be confronted with another one bearing a similar, but not identical, version of my own face.

How could I ever begin to explain these thoughts and feelings to the people in my life who, while ultimately love me and would never seek to hurt me, also would be unlikely to understand? Who, for valid reasons given my past health, might interpret this as reasons to assume that I'm in the process of entering another suicidal breakdown?

I've started altering my appearance certain days in accordance to these fluctuations, as well as indulging in creative fiction as a way to indulge in what's ultimately a power fantasy of the many, contradicting things that define my personhood.

It feels amazing... until someone else sees it, and the illusion of being freed breaks. And I can't help but notice that this has fed my returning depression and hopelessness. There's no escape, I will forever be defined by this one role.

It wouldn't help if people in my life knew of this and accepted it. It would still feel like I'm just being coddled and entertained, that their perception of me is ultimately that of a singular person. And even if they didn't, I also wouldn't feel great being seen as entirely separate, concrete individuals because thqt's just not what I am. I am me who is also we, but we are all me.

And maybe that is just a normal human experience at the end of the day. Maybe what I'm feeling just happens to be slightly fueled by me being defined by two decades of uninterrupted trauma and mental illness.

No matter the reason this is just getting increasingly harder and harder to deal with and ignore, despite the fact that I'd rather die than tell anyone who knows me personally. I can't even bear to be comforted by people who perceive the Me(tm), because I feel so gross and seen and defined. Both because of this and because of other trauma.

This side blogs existence is the only reason I am able to even talk about this to this much detail, and that's the only reason I can post it publically. Where nothing I say will make people who know me reach out to try and help.

I don't deserve their kindness, because who in their right mind would feel so negatively about being seen and cared for? Who in their right mind would do that and yet also be hypocritical enough to feel hurt and upset when feeling uncared for? Though again, unrelated trauma. Another shard to the broken mirror.

I want to put a name to this. I want to understand my experiences. But does it matter really if I'll just keep living like always with no changes?

Had I not been physically disabled I might have gone willingly missing, cut off everyone I know despite how sad that would make me just for a chance at freeing myself from the tangled mess I've ended up in with my current life. The only possible alternative I could think of is death, but unfortunately I don't have a suicidal bone left in me.

[icedsaltedcaramelcoffee]

i keep seeing clips from the l3 ss3raf!m documentary and maaaan i have thoughts

i don't think they realize that they are shooting themselves in the foot. Like i obvs feel that they have the right to express how they feel and hardships. Also, i know the entertainment and esp the idol industry play up/dramatized, but at the same time le sserafim isn't special.... like chaewon being on ivs when it feels that is a news story each week for another girl in a girl group. which is terrible(!), but not unique. like the girl group hate train has went after other groups and you don't see them locking comments and all that.

Not that they should leave hateful comments up or not turn them off, but at this rate they should leave them turned off. like the haters are still making videos shitting on them. like i think hate is bad and antis are stupid for the record.

Also, sakura saying shes upset people are saying she improved instead of just being good or whatever. which i get it since it is a back handed compliment, but some of those performances werent great and ngl i do expect a lil more from her since she has been an idol for so long. She should know how the industry works at this rate yknow. commenting that shes getting better not good is hurtful, but i dunno man

Also, yunjin being upset that people are throwing her own words at her is so ??? "I want to change the idol industry" like yes kpop fans are too stupid to realize change wont happen overnight, but at the same time i was expecting her to try and tip the industry a bit more. Again, tho she is a part of a big label so lets be real, how much would actually change. I also think since yunjin is chronically online, for worse, is/was/is exposing herself to the hate more.

I think their concept of trying to be like badass girlboss' also makes seem something? like thay had fuck off haterz songs and they are antifragile and shit. like i dont want to seem like im downplaying the girls work and the hate, i think they work hard and people arent realizing they are people, but this documentary seems so mhm a choice. it def feels like hybe/source music is trying to get pity points instead of whatever they think it was supposed to bring to the hate mob. i think le sserafim is brave for sharing this side of the industry and themselves, but also i feel the label should be doing more. giving them more breaks, changing the music to actually fit their voices, choreo that allows them to sing and dance, and so on. like im blaming the label more for allowing this to happen and pushing them to be under these circumstances than the girls themselves. they are the ones having them perform their songs out of their range then saying fuck em when they have to do it live.

again the haters are using clips of them almost collapsing or eunchae hyperventilating with text like "man all that practice to sound like that" or worse. even the subtitle "make it look easy" when people were saying that derogatorily like....i don't think higher ups thought about this fully and this is just going be worse on the girls. like some of the quote retweets were so rude and hateful! they are gonna read those comments and feel worse!

Again, i don't think the girl's deserve the hate they got. They had some shitty encores and live performances. both can be true at the same time which has happened to most groups at one point or another. i dont think le sserafim cant air out their problems or how they feel or whatever, but making it seem its only a le sserafim issue is crazy!

i mean i want the best for the girls and hope they are able to move past it, but unless their next cb is a banger i fear its just going be a cycle of this shit. like i feel like the label is making things harder for them.

lmao to add to a longass post already i guess they have been making documentaries for a while, i didn't follow them that closely, so its not strange for them releasing another, but man i wish they put a lil more thought into it. like i just feel like fans feel for the girls while haters are doubling down not really turning the tide like they maybe hoped. tbh i only see the hate dying down once a new group is here to hate (sadly).

cannot stress enough i have no ill will toward the girls and what them to be successful and they do not deserve hate. hate and constructive criticism is to completely different things.

[abceltic]

Good evening

Hello everyone, I've been trying to use my phone less so i havent been online. I deleted all social media except twitter and Tumblr on my phone. I am going to delete them and only use them on laptop though. When i get my new camera, i may redownload TikTok but only on laptop so i can post footage i'm taking. It'll be an old Sony camera, I'm really excited about it :)) My days feel a lot more fulfilling without using my phone so much, i dont restrict it (yet) as i consequently use it less as a result of deleting my primary apps. Also, this may be strange but I've attempted to listen to less music, not when im inside but, when outside. I feel I often miss many of my surroundings and the environmental noise as Im listening to music through Spotify, It's uncomfortable , i guess, to be with my thoughts and to be somewhat bored at certain points but, itll also be good to sit with my own boredom. There's nothing wrong with boredom and i dont understand why im so "against" it ... Lol That's another Topic, I want to be more present, to be able to sit in my boredom. It's okay to do nothing but, the feeling of boredom is so... Urgh. A restlessness, you carry a certain excitement, a need, a want, to do something yet there's nothing available. Actually, no, there is always something available, even if you think there's nothing. I sat in boredom today and after ten minutes, around ten minutes at least, my brain felt like it was actually conjuring up something and finally making do with its surroundings and available items or areas. It felt great. So, now i know that I am capable of that and i can in fact do something Lol. It seems simple but, Oh my god, It was harder than expected, i really did have to try. And, I started Journaling again. I didnt realise how much i have to say. it's been what... 2 days? 2 days of actually using it. It's in the image down below and I've been cutting out photos of images i've taken, writing down thoughts, writing down quotes, "Philosophical" queries, opinions, arguments, drawing, using stickers and making art. I'm really happy for the art as drawing has always been something I've really enjoyed and I've always done it but with this, theres no pressure and i can make collages, draw to my heart's extent. So, it's already getting bigger and all i can feel when i look at it is joy :) . Here's the journal from the side:

Good bye!

[studywgabi]

The Reasons Why I am Starting College Having Never Been on a Date:

The painful fucking shyness, I mean, borderline agoraphobia. I won't settle for less than clicking "add to cart" on Mr. Right and having him delivered to my home, with free shipping.

a. Really, though, I've missed a lot of school. And work (and that's only once a week). I can barely make it to my real responsibilities (much less dates). I struggle with just getting out of bed sometimes, let alone leaving my house, and when I do, I'm usually too anxious to go without a parent, which severely decreases my chances of being approached. And if I never go anywhere, how can I expect to meet anyone?

b. It's just that I know I won't meet anyone, though. It's that when I manage to try, when I put my blood, sweat, and tears into making myself look somewhat presentable, when I go someplace people under 70 are, when I do everything Google said makes you approachable: bangs, wearing red, exposing the wrists, red nail polish, smiling, not being on your phone, being alone, and open body language, when I get my hopes up, it never works out. And that makes it even harder the next time. Excuses, excuses.

2. Self-fulfilling prophecy. I see myself as undateable and others just take that cue. Though, chicken and egg. A little girl doesn't suddenly decide she's horrifically ugly and no one will ever love her. It's proven to her, time and time again. Or rather, being seen as beautiful or even average and capable of being loved is not proven to her, and she draws the only logical conclusion. (This little girl is quite the pessimist.)

3. I've had somewhat of an unconventional high school experience. My freshman year was 2020-2021, and we were online until May. Sophomore year we were back in person, but socially distanced, and I left about a month before the end of the school year and took my finals remotely. Junior and Senior year, I've been going to Hometown Community College (HCC). I take some in-person classes and some online, so I'm only on campus for maybe 4 hours a week. Some of my classmates are adults with families and careers, but a lot of them are around my age.

4. It isn't love, it's only Hometown. Maybe I would be worshiped as a goddess in some other part of the world. Who knows? My city isn't that walkable and I'm a virgin who can't drive, so it is a bit difficult to meet people. There are a lot of Latinos here, and mixed girls like me, and it's a real let-your-freak-flag-fly-so-everyone-will-know-how-different-and-cool-you-are-unlike-the-sheep kind of place where everyone wears beanies, listens to Pearl Jam deep cuts, and, in their desperate attempt to be different, is exactly the same, so it's not like I stand out in any way. It certainly has its faults, but one thing I will say about Hometown is that you can walk down the street and see face tattoos, blue hair, and women with beards.

5. The other thing is of course the bloodhound sixth sense. Men can smell the eau de desperation and low self-esteem radiating off of me from a mile away. Half-off at Bath and Bodyworks. God, even when I like another girl as a friend, I smother her. When I like someone in any type of way, I ask a million questions, I want to know everything about them, spend every second with them. I expect an intimacy that would take years to build up to just happen over night.

6. I think it would be naive to say that looks weren't a part of it, a significant part, though certainly not all of it. I know everyone says personality is more important than appearance in the end, when you really love someone, and I agree, but it's so hard to even get to that place. It's difficult to make that initial connection if you're not really anyone's type. No guy has ever just walked up to me and "shot his shot" as they say. No one has tried to strike up a conversation or dared to ask for my number. Yes, I know it's nerve-wracking for men to just walk up to a stranger, especially an attractive one, and try to talk to her, and this doesn't happen to every woman, but it happens to some, and I wish I was one of them. Some men think some women are worth getting over the fear for, and I wish someone saw me that way. And no, I don't approach guys either, I'm nothing if not a hypocrite. I am paralyzed with fear about this because I'm worried about not being rejected. I'm worried the guy won't know I'm trying to flirt with him because I have no idea how, or that I won't know he's letting me down easy because it'll go over my head, or that he'll feel too sorry for me to reject me.

a. I'm high-maintenance while looking low-maintenance. I take hours to get ready in the morning and no matter how much I do and how much money I waste and what lengths I go to it never helps. Worse still than my grotesqueness, which a man could look past, is my insecurity. My constant, constant need for reassurance. He could swear over and over that he loves me as I am but I'll never believe it. To illustrate, you've just read several paragraphs of complaints about my appearance. If you were my man (Lord help you), I'd never shut up.

b. To summarize: annoying, inexperienced, and no oil painting. I think I could've said as much in one sentence.

c. This is how I register in men's heads: Maybe this is totally incorrect, but we women think of you as rather like robots, capable of an incredible compartmentalization that must make life so much simpler. I'm so messy. Men can just decide to not get attached, to not care, to focus on what's really important rather than distractions, and their hearts actually listen to them. And if not, you could've fooled me.

d. I think men sort of scan me. When they first see me, my statistics and vital signs pop up on their cybernetically enhanced vision. They make a crucial decision right then and there, write me off as uninteresting. Again, all speculation. You can't fault me for being a logic-oriented person. If this isn't how it happens, I want some hard proof (lawyer voice). You can't fault me for being a fanciful, gullible, self-absorbed and ridiculous little girl.

e. I'm a little overweight, but not playboy bunny curvaceous and feminine, nor supermodel thin. I'm wide and bulky and flat in the back and the front. I'm average height, not cute and short or old Hollywood statuesque. I have scars and stretch marks and acne and strawberry legs. Pale skin and chestnut hair with a few strands of red that couldn't decide if it wanted to be straight or curly so settled for a halfhearted wave. My haircut is what it is, a mistake that I'm growing out (excruciatingly slowly). Eyes so dark you can't distinguish the iris from the pupil. I wear contacts. Huge, blackheady nose and ultrathin pale, cracked lips. I care deeply about my appearance and I do the best I can to take care of myself. After school and work and work and school, eating healthy feels so impossible, but I try to be somewhat balanced at least. I don't exercise besides the erstwhile jog, but I walk around a lot on campus and I have a physical type of job. Everyone's always told me I look older (mid-twenties) than I am (newly 18). For most of the year, I wear pretty much the same thing everyday- The Gabi Uniform (TM). A knee-length skirt and a sweater. Inoffensive, not particularly alluring. f. The worst, though, is the severe hirsutism, my main PCOS symptom. How am I supposed to be confident when my body is a punchline in every movie you've ever seen? I just don't think confidence is meant for me. I'm not one of those take-off-her-glasses-and-she's-beautiful types. I've gotten better, certainly, I'm not waterboarding myself with sweat anymore by forcing myself to wear turtlenecks in the summer. I do my best to be an adult, to pick myself up and get on with it, put on a brave if ugly face and show myself as I am. But the truth is, being able to wear tanktops hasn't made me hate myself any less. I still can't say the "h" word out loud (or type it). I still can't shake the feeling of being dirty and sick, like I have bugs crawling all over my skin. And I could never, ever, show this body to anyone. One day, I'm going to fall head over heels in love, I know that already. Love isn't the issue. I will love someone so much he can't stand it, but I'll never be able to trust him enough.

6. I don't know. I really don't know. I've turned it over and over in my head for years, driven myself crazy trying to figure it out, connected all my features with push pins and red string to unveil the grand conspiracy. But every reason I can come up with isn't something unique to me, it's something that literally millions of other people experience, have, do, or are, and that hasn't been a barrier, or hasn't always been a barrier, for at least some of them to be in a relationship. I'm just stuck thinking, why wasn't what I did good enough? Why am I the exception? I followed the rules, I consulted the opinions of others around me, I did everything just like everyone else did. I don't know if other people see me this way, but I think of myself as a deeply average person- my personality, my looks, how I grew up. To be perfectly honest, it does surprise me a bit that my love life has been so atypical when every other part of my life has been so decidedly ordinary. There's nothing special about me. I'm not a good person, but I don't intentionally hurt others. I'll never be beautiful, pretty, or even average, but there's nothing shocking about the way I look, I'm just plain.

a. Lots of people are shy, especially teenagers. We're all self (conscious and absorbed), debilitating insecurity and a simultaneous God complex. Plenty of teenagers date, go to dances, go parking, share a milkshake with two straws...

b. Everyone has low self-esteem. Sure, some more so than others, but the vast majority of people struggle with confidence, even those other people think shouldn't. We're all oracles writing self-fulfilling prophecies all the time. If you had to be confident to get a date, the human race would have died out by now.

c. For fuck's sake, people got married during the pandemic. People fell in and out of and back in love, people lost their virginities, people cheated, people flirted, people joined dating apps and met on zoom, people took off their masks and kissed, people were irresponsible and reckless and human and attractive and attracted. We all lost the school year, but plenty of my classmates didn't lose the experiences.

e. Isn't everyone desperate for something? And hasn't that desperation made me work 10 times harder? It's ambition, it's led me to try nearly everything, and even if it's obvious, isn't a little desperation attractive? I don't know if it is to boys, but it is to me. I want someone to need me, to think about me all the time, to be crazy about me. Maybe I take that too far, but it's not as if I'm proposing on the first date or collecting your used tissues for my shrine. Yeah, I want it bad and I when I fall, I fall hard, but the last thing I want is to make someone uncomfortable. If he told me to slow down, I would.

f. But if all it took was a little makeup and some time at the gym, wouldn't I lose love as soon as I washed my face or gained a few pounds? My appearance is going to change drastically throughout my life, and I don't want love to end when it does. I want to believe that everyone is beautiful. It's important to me to believe that, and that means I have to begrudgingly accept that I'm beautiful, too. I'm worried it would become a slippery slope if I made an exception for myself. I guess I just figured everyone was someone's type. I might not be conventionally attractive, but I thought eventually I'd blindly stumble upon someone who was okay with the way I look. You know what they say about assuming. It makes a (flat) ass of you and me. Yeah, maybe there's a lid for every pot. But my lid will either be blind, an alcoholic with permanent beer goggles, or have some kind of rare fetish.

I am precisely the opposite of what men want. Clingy, needy, and desperate- and not attractive enough to justify my horrible personality. I'm not cool or fun or down-to-earth. I'm not drama-free or go-with-the-flow. I say I'm fine when I'm not because I expect you to read my mind. I'm ugly, uncommunicative, and crazy. I'm a pervert who's far too shy to ever take her clothes off. I'm immature and stubborn and stupid and as hard as I try not be, a hopeless romantic.

[flvskgamedesign]

Platformer Development Post

I began development of the platformer by planning out the level layouts as well a throwing together a few buildings that I could use. To start this journey, I went searching for free assets to use for my game that matched each other. This involved browsing Itch.io (https://itch.io/game-assets/top-sellers) and Craftpix.net (https://craftpix.net/freebies/page/4/). Mainly to save time on creating my own assets as the whole creation process can be a very tedious and time consuming task. I prefered to work with GDevelop itself and learn its features, than spending time creating and animating characters other usable sprites. I stumbled upon an excellent sprite series created by the team at Craftpix.net (no artist name was mentioned on the webpage). It featured consistent sprites for knights, vikings, and samurai. Not only giving my game the perfect assets but making them extremely accessable and free.

Once the sprites had been secured for the ingame characters, the planning process could begin. I drew a quick run down of how I envisioned the game would be set out (See below). Moving through different time periods, with progressively harder enemies as you make your way through each game world.

I was planning to create a difficulty progression that felt intuitive to each level. As you made it further in each level the infrastructive grew with the size and difficulty of your enemies. For example in the Japanese samarai era, your enemies would progress from farmers with swords, to trained ninjas, finally arriving at well armoured and fearless samurai. Variations on each of these enemies would be found in each area so the game didn't seem repeatitive. However, before I could begin work on these elements I needed locations to play in. This was the next stage of the process, I started to work with some more assets I found online to create meaningful buildings.

Assets courtesy of: CraftPix.net team.

Starting in the medival era, I worked on my first environment. Using the assets shown above I made some buildings This process took a lot longer than I had expected and ended up taking precious time away from other things I had to work on. A quote from Fullertons Game Design Workshop book made me realise this, " Like physical prototypes, digital prototypes are made using only the elements needed to make them functional. They are not finished games, and if you spend too much time making them like a finished games, you will defeat the purpose of prototyping at all." This made me believe perhaps I was making it way more complicated at this stage than I needed to be. I decided to move on to other projects with this in mind, so that I deliever a better outcome more effiecently. Without wasting time on trying to get the game to look nice before I figured out how the game would work.