#trying to go for sick burns like
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the schools in miyagi prefecture think that nekoma is the other woman in the rivalry against karasuno but truly, they are the other women
#but ideally its a rivalry polycule#conspiracy lvl: text#sorry this is just a reskin of my other post but its just soooo funny to me#seijoh and dateko are hit the hardest by this#they have a gc where they make fun of nekoma (who they have never met)#trying to go for sick burns like#battle at the garbage dump? more like battle for the dumpy bc no one on nekoma has an ass probably!!!!#<= its supposed to be bad i promise
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Genuinely so curious who Mike thinks is gonna be buying The Cage or the new DCTL GN bc with the way he tweets as far as he's concerned, it's not gonna be:
The queer people he has actively admitted he will never show any representation of in the games.
2. The POC he has actively fought against representing in his franchise. [Who he also mocked for thinking they would be represented in his franchise]
3. The Bendy fandom which has always been concerned with topics of diversity esp in the sense of queer people since its creation. Who he has responded to really poorly esp in regards to the GN.
4. The fans who critique him. [He blocked me for doing so lol]
5. His fans in general who he tweets about like this currently. [He's being vague about why people were mad at him or sent him 'nasty messages' because if you actually looked into why you'd see he was in the wrong. Either way, a very hateful way to speak abt ur own fanbase.]
Reminder while Mike is trash talking his fans he has always treated them rather poorly. The fans who won the fanart contest for Chapter 5 never got their posters actually in game due to it being rushed. Not only was chapter 5 a big slap to the face story wise, but it was literally so rushed he couldn't be bothered to add in the art his fans gave him for his game FOR FREE. [Meatly blames this on a crazy timeline, reminder him and Mike are the literal ceos of this company. The proposal of future updates here is also pretty cruel considering Mike nowadays happily admits he corrupted Chapter 5's source code and therefore literally can't update it At All currently. Because he is a moron]
At least they got to be in Boris and the dark survival, and by that I mean that was the Only game they got to be in so far, isn't that just treating your fans like you love them? Shoving their hard work into a spin off game almost nobody has played or addresses much. [Hell, who knows if with the Lone Wolf rebrand they'll even stay there. In which case they'll be in None of the games, only in the credits of BATIM]
6. The Bendy fans who just generally disagree with him on stuff. Like the new ink demon design where there is literally a public poll showing people generally prefer the old one.
7. The Bendy fans who can see he is actively lying to them. To their fucking faces.
He says this has always been the case, but screenshots and links to tweets regarding the books being canon prove it was not. Does he really think bendy fans are stupid or something? [Unless he's admitting here he lied to Kress when he told her the books were canon which sounds worse!]
8. Anyone who doesn't like the idea of giving money to a guy who laid off tons of employees then afterwards thought it was a great idea to express his anti-union views! Also brag about how good of an employer he was, according to his employees, he was not!
So in summary; Mike is an awful person who has not learned anything from the awful things he did. I will not be purchasing The Cage because, combined with this and his absolute refusal to take any kind of critique or see any differing interpretation of his franchise, I have no reason to think my problems with the franchise will ever be addressed or fixed. I probably will pirate The Cage along with any future Bendy Products [Including the movie] and will do my best to avoid giving it any kind of monetary support. Unless this changes any time soon, I can't see myself making anymore positive Bendy posts soon.
Mike has just managed to make it so hard to speak positively or optimistically of this franchise when he's so willing to broadcast how little he cares about it or its fans. I'm at the point where I refuse to pull any of my punches with my problems with it. What's the point of trying to play nice with my critique when either way the people creating it don't care?
So with this post, I want to invite anyone who feels similarly about the franchise to tell me, make a post or send an ask talking about how all of this makes you feel. It may not change how things are, but genuinely seeing other people share my feelings of anger makes me feel better. It feels nice to see when other people share our same concerns and worries. I'd also love to know if anyone else thinks they'll be avoiding purchasing Bendy products over this.
I'm not forcing anyone to participate in it nor trying to say anyone who doesn't supports mike but genuinely maybe if we can collectively decide to boycott things like the movie, graphic novel and The Cage... It might at least make the bendy devs acknowledge how much they have destroyed their own fandom's faith and trust in them.
The way Mike tweets about his actions like he had no control over why people were mad at him at least proves to me he takes NONE of it back nor regrets it. If you didn't know about his actions and only went off his tweets, you would be led to believe Mike has been needlessly picked apart by fans over things he couldn't control [or in his own words, had his words twisted and taken out of context]. That is not how you speak about your actions if you have actually learned better from them.
anyway, that has been my bendy dev callout post. This is an open invitation to anyone feeling similarly upset about the way the franchise is going to talk about it. It's genuinely nice to see how people feel about this and the more we talk about the more it's likely the bendy devs are forced to address our concerns. I don't think they will but hey, that's why I'm not gonna support them with my money anymore nor am I gonna be nice to them in any content I make critiquing Bendy. I mean I'm also basically making this post just in case anyone asks me Why I feel this way towards to bendy devs/as a way to respond to anyone who thinks I am too harsh in my critique in the future.
As always, it seems the best part of Bendy isn't actually anything about canon but about what the fan's are creating with the ideas Bendy failed to do anything interesting with.
Also the books, the books slap.
#batim#batdr#bendy and the ink machine#bendy and the dark revival#ramblez#bendy and the silent city#bendy the cage#for the record another reason Im making this post is bc some of the only good resources to learn abt why the bendy devs suck are some old#very longer videos and this is a very long post but I thought it was important to document the recent shit theyve been doing alongside some#of the worst past things theyve done bc Mike has been trying to misinform people on what happened but those videos are still great resource#if you want more info n such#long post#mike D#for anyone who doesnt wanna hear abt him since he doesnt go by mood anymore#sorry if this is rambley or emotional Im just so sick of these guys fr dskjhgskdfjghskdjhgkjhsd#I miss when I didnt spend my days stressed about the awful shit mike is gonna say next and how I would have to disprove it in a post later#or explain why its bad to have a cast of nothing but cishet white guys n constantly fight back against any push for diversity in said cast#genuinely its just tiring esp when u see other bendy fans give ignorant or very silly defenses/takes on those things#n then u lose a lot of respect for them bc they are speaking on stuff they dont know much abt so confidently and therefore misinforming#people or even encouraging very bad views on stuff like diversity n its importance#Im not saying people like that are bad people but it is stressful n upsetting when u see someone u thought knew better do that sort of thin#it makes it hard to trust them again on other issues bc u now dont trust they know what they r talking abt!!#like please think twice before telling young artists making norman white was a tough and complicated decision it was fucking not the bendy#devs just think all their humans are white by default and dont wanna change that its been proven time n time again thats all it is#and defending them just bc u like a franchise they made is very very bad!! They are not ur friends!! they suck and we seriously need to#stop pretending they dont!! toxic positivity is only gonna make the fandom an absolute nightmare its not gonna make ANYTHING better#it just means people will be forced to PRETEND they never have negative thoughts abt the franchise n therefore make them burned out#just look at other similar fandoms please lets not make those same mistakes!!#sorry can u tell Ive been having just. A time recently#anyways back to making my queer ass bendy fan game full of so much diversity mike will prolly shit when he sees it DKFJGHKSDJHGKJHSD
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i have. too many things to do.
#and of course what i WANT to do is write fanfic and read the ten different books i want to read and make art just for fun#and also be a couch potato and watch youtube videos for a couple hours with no guilt#but i was sick for a week and that's a week's worth of missed classes and homework i'm now trying to catch up on#in addition to new stuff#and i was already falling a bit behind in a couple classes because they don't have enough structure for me#and like. i'm managing. i'm getting stuff done.#but it's exhausting to know that tomorrow when i only have to go to one class i will be spending all day on homework#....i need to not tell myself that. i need to build in space for breaks or i will burn myself out#i do not want to be at risk of burnout in the first month of school with an intentionally very low courseload#this is just. so frustrating and stressful#and i'm coping. but i wish i didn't have to#vent#school stress#stars rambles#i am somewhat grateful that needing something to wind down from homework with has made me excited to write fic for the first time in months#but the downside of that is that i do not have enough time right now
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I know there's that whole stereotype of DMs and PCs hating each other or whatever but to be 100% honest the most joy I get out of D&D is when my players come up with some absolutely crazy batshit idea that should be absolutely impossible rules as written because as the DM I can choose to ignore that dumb nerd shit and just say "That sounds fucking rad dude, I'm giving you inspiration for that idea, now make an Acrobatics check."
#''Hey DM the mage cast fireball behind me can I sacrifice my Animated Shield to jump off it to try and launch myself at him?'' Like YES???#That is fucking insane you can absolutely do that dude#What am I gonna do NOT take the opportunity to describe this insane paladin launching out of the blast still enwreathed in flame#Surrounded by shards of his shattering magical shield still crackling with arcane energy as they light up around him like stars#Looking almost like a miniature galaxy with this arbiter of divine wrath emerging from the supernova screaming in bloodlust and fury#lit dramatically from both the blast the arcane sparks and the flaming feathers from their burning cloak following them out of the blast#Flying through the air with weapons raised toward a wizard who is very VERY quickly shifting from smug to utterly fucking terrified?#Fucking absolutely you can do that dude that sounds sick as fuck#go OFF king#Pun's text Posts
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I am so beyond ready to quit this job. Wednesday cannot come fast enough.
#to be fair it's bc school starts again in a few weeks#but idk. every day at this office feels like sandpaper on my skin. people always ask me shit i dont understand#and every case is so individual there's no set checklist to follow to troubleshoot#so most of the time I just grind my gears and get stuck#it'd busy more days than not.#and it was advertised to me as data entry only. client interactions was not what i signed up for.#it's all client interaction.#we're short staffed so nobody gets to take the back office and have a break.#when we weren't short staffed i was the new guy and only got 1 day in the back a week while everyone else got 2.#all my coworkers are conservative but talk like they're apolitical.#i thought it'd be fulfilling bc im helping people get benefits#but many are rude or impatient as any other service job. I'm constantly trying to direct people that don't want to listen#or explain the intricacies of something i barely understand.#and i don't want to lead people astray bc you have to start over if you blow a deadline.#but there's just nothing redeeming that i enjoy.#i hate customer service. i hate constantly asking questions. i like seldom few of my coworkers.#i can't be me at work.#and i don't care about the work itself anymore.#this job made me cry every day for weeks last month from sheer stress and overstimulation.#i almost cried myself sick several times.#the only reason I'm not there anymore is bc i dont fucking care anymore.#it took me 2 months to burn out. 2 months!#i was training for half of that!!#idk. everyone decided i was smart and could pick it up quickly so. even though everyone else got 4-6 weeks of shadowing#you can make do with 3 before you start doing stuff solo.#which feels unfair. i wasn't ready for it. and i resent the decision quite a bit.#plus it's been a nightmare for me in terms of external stressors and my generally deteriorating mental health. so.#all in all. i hate it here.#and i can't wait to turn in my notice so i can gtfo in 2 weeks#i am so tired. free me. let me go back to my music please
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#i'm done i'm so fucking tired#i want to burn the internet to the ground#i want to destroy my computer chuck my phone into a river and go live in the middle of nowhere#no wifi no 4g no nothing#i want to die because we cannot fucking escape this shit#meta using my art to train ai and refusing my request to stop#my computer not being able to run glaze or nightshade or any of those ai poisoning thingies#spam emails and text messages and whatsapp messages and bots in the comments#and just EVERYTHING TRYING TO SELL ME THINGS WHILE ALSO STEALING WHAT'S ALREADY MINE#i hate it i hate it i can't fucking stand it anymore#and you'll be like ''then why don't you go offline then... nobody's making you have an instagram account''#and you'd be right... if it weren't for the fact that i chose the one fucking career that DEMANDS online presence#i already struggle to find work as an illustrator WITH social media and POSTING MY ART ONLINE#how the fuck would I do it if people don't see my art?!#and sure people have illustrated books way before the internet existed... sure... BUT IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT ANYMORE#i'm so fucking angry and tired and frustrated that there's no way out of this#the internet is becoming unusable yet life demands it#my only option right now it to fuck myself and my beliefs and let companies steal my hardwork for the benefit of..?#having no notes in my posts except for the bots commenting ''see 👀my hole 🍑 daddy 💦 kitten 😻 ready 4 u 🤤 subscribe🔥 pay 💲 me''#i'm sick of this#i don't want to delete everything i ever posted online because A. at this point that's useless and B. again. how the fuck would i get work?#also even then... emailing my clients their finished illustrations goes through google drive or gmail...#do we think google is nice and doesn't steal images to train generative AI?#''talk to your representatives they need to make laws about this'' my fucking president is currently chumming it up with elon fucking musk#while people here are starving to death#we're literally going to freeze this winter because the genius goverment has fucked up our gas supply and that's used not only for heating#but for ELECTRICITY PRODUCTION#so we won't have a wat to heat our houses cook or even fucking SEE AT NIGHT#and you want me to ask them to make copyright laws?!#i want to die
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HI EVERYONE IK NO ONE ASKED BUT YEA!!
OKAY SO IM GOING TO BE TAKING A BIT OF BREAK FROM MY ART SO I CAN WRITE MY FIC (should probably start referring to it by it’s title 💀) but uhhh yea I’ve been microfocusing on my art for a moment 😭 I’ll probably make more Hadina art but at a much slower pace cuz I’ll be in school and ‘won’t say I’m in love’ chapter 2 will be in the works and I’m still mapping out the plot and things as it goes along.
SO YEA ILL TRY AND MAKE MORE ART BUT IM TRYING TO NOT OVERWHELM MYSELF BEFORE SCHOOL STARTS SO YEA!! :D
#🖇yap time⏰#🖇pumpkin writing talks 📚#IVE LOWK BEEN BURNING MYSELF OUT SO YEA#I MIGHT NOT WORK ON IT TODAY BUT ILL TRY#IV JUST BEEN REALLY TIRED (probably cuz you went to bed at like 3am pumpkin 💀)#BUT HADINA FOR LIFE FOR LIFE#THE ACTUAL PLOT WILL COME SOMEWHAT SOON#SO KEEP AN EYE OUT#I still really wanna draw but 😭 I can’t#I THINK I JUST NEED TO GO HOME TBH IVE BEEN AT MY AUNTS FOR A BIT#I ACTUALLY HATE IT HERE IM SICK OF THIS#I MISS MY CUTE ROOM SYE WAS SO ADORABLE 😿#uhh idk what to tag this#writing talk
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someone convince me i need to rest and not keep on cleaning
#ough#i’m trying to clean my room and help my mom out around the house cuz she’s sick too and feels awful#but god i feel awful too#i just have been go go go trying to push through feeling shit to get stuff done so i don’t go insane#but i feel like i’ve burned the candle at every single end
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i am soooo tired of feeling BAD !!!!!!!!!! ;_; its impacting my quality of life and impacting how im able to interact with people i care about im so sick of feeling . SICK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;_______;
#My shoulder keeps burning and prevents me from leaning down#looking to the side#fucking reaching for this#everything !!!#And it in turn makes my head feel foggy. because im in pain#and latley mt stomachs been feeling so Eh about food.........im like. Near tears im so frustrtated...#i will try to go to a dtoctor but isnt tht such a fantasy of a sentence. dont have primary doctor yetso ive got som#e#waiting probably to do.#im just. upset bc i wanna do more than rot in bed but things hurt and they make me feel bad and then i feel like im not treating the world#as well as i want to......... ;_;#Iwhahghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh#speak#like of course i want to do so many things. but its#hard to WANT to because it just causes me to feel sick or dizzy or physcially in pain#and it feels so................uuuuuuuuuuhhhh..............well bad.....
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And maybe you'll be like "but if you don't trust businesses, how can you trust welfare?"
I fucking don't. My mom trying to get on food stamps fucked me up because a lady I never met without my permission got my SSN from my mom and started editing my files. My heart still races to this very second whenever I think about it, it kinda messed me up bad and I'll never ever ever see any kind of recourse
And I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose my medicaid just cause I inherited some money from my grandpa
And I've never even applied for disability cause it kinda doesn't matter finding out if I'd qualify or not cause of my depression, when the rules are so restrictive I don't know if I've even be allowed to keep my house
I do not fucking trust these things on a personal level. I feel like out of a lot of people I have the most to fear from them cause I'm on the edge of having things work, and that gets you punished
...but I need medicaid in order to have insurance (and when you strip out the finance side of medicaid, I love medicaid... they're honestly incredible insurance... I just... I just... dental is like 90% of why medicaid is so important to me, ever since I found out this state pays for it I've actually been able to do cleanings which is important to me cause I can't always get myself to brush)
And I think things like disability and food stamps are pretty damn important on a personal level, and honestly are also good for the economy cause they get people spending... it's practically a free cash infusion into the economy, cause these are people who need to buy stuff
There's just so much important stuff welfare does that it's worth dealing with government
No, what I want is more accountability so if someone gets my SSN from a 3rd party like my mom they're held to HIPPA styles standards where that's not ok to access my files without my permission (She changed my fucking address and tried to get medicaid to investigate me for fraud! Never even met me)
Like have some accountability there and in every situation
Secondly I want less punitive focused rules. I'd frankly prefer bezos get on disability than smack down some poor sod cause they got $2000 in the bank or cause their friend lets them live with them for free
If there's gonna be a cut off on these programs, it needs to be a solid step above the poverty line, cause... by definition I assume poverty line denotes kinda the minimum expected income people can reasonably live off of, and if you take away benefits people are gonna lose a chunk of money to covering that stuff themself, so you need a buffer before you kick people off
I don't fucking trust the government for a second, I've actively been fucked by them and on a personal level I avoid everything but medicaid and only that cause everything but the money is pleasant to deal with and I kinda need it (honestly if I was rich I'm not even kidding that I'd rather give medicaid like $400 a month than some insurance company, I sincerely like them as insurance)
But I'd trust them a lot more if they were less punitive, less out to hunt me down and gut me cause someone handed me a fiver or cause I started to get on my feet, and if government employees had concrete rules they had to follow that were actually transparent and enforced
Like 90% of my problems with welfare go away if they're held accountable and there's less "catch the welfare cheats" mentality going around
I don't trust the government in the slightest, but sadly there some jobs it kinda has to do, so I'd just rather force it to be an open book where the public can keep an eye on it and if they step out of line there's consequences (sort of like I don't trust most mega corps but happen to sometimes need stuff from them... did you know literally every cell service provider has been illegally selling shit like your location data to random people like bounty hunters, and the FCC just slapped them with a fine that's 0.02% of their yearly incomes and debated even doing that? I even can offer a source on that)
...I don't trust much of any authority cause they constantly fail me and kinda screw me. Don't trust doctors either, but I still gotta go to them, you know? ...they're just... they're real bad at listening... so many systems need systemic change
(You know who I really don't trust is the cops. I could point to so many examples. My uncle doesn't trust cops either, and he's an ex Fire and SWAT paramedic, he worked with them and we still got into a long conversation where he basically tore into them far better than I can)
(I don't trust authority that's not accountable)
#anyway; if I'm a lousy cheat or whatever least they can do is give me a gun so I can solve that problem#shit makes me wish I was canadian so I could take advantage of their sick implementation of assisted suicide#what should be a system that gives people a choice about the quality of their life; and I don't think should be relegated to terminal illne#...there was... think he was dutch; had been burned by his girlfriend all over his body; was in constant pain#and he ended up using assisted suicide in the end cause he was just in constant agony... think that's his choice to make#but of course the canadian system concretely pushes people; mostly the poor and disabled; to kill themselves#not theoretically; as in literally says word for word to them 'you should really kill yourself; just sign here'#it's sick; it truly is#but for any americans that want to dunk on it; I'm telling you we're no better#we have the exact same miserable desperation and people (again; mostly poor and disabled) into despair#only difference is we don't offer assisted suicide#the underlying issues in the US and canada are so damn similar; so much of what's happening ends up being the same#you can't act smug just cause you only make people want to die instead of also offering to help#that's like saying that you're the good guy cause while you did everything you could to drive someone to the brink#get them fired; slash their tires; just cartoon level villain stuff to personally harass this person... at least you won't hand them rope#we have such similar systemic issues to canada; and I am explicitly telling you that like the people in canada that have said#'I can't take it anymore; disability doesn't cover my expenses and I can't get any help... I'm at my wits end so I'm gonna go die'#I'm telling you that I feel that same way; just without any eugenics agency I can call up#I'm really working to get things stable; but it feels like I'm teetering on the edge of falling into permanent failure#and... and I'll actually tell you the amount even though I don't like to mention money... makes me feel guilty#my gramps left me $27k; which sounds like a lot; but I got 20 windows that need redoing (house has a lot of windows)#...if they ended up being 1k each; that's most of the money gone; if they end up being more...#and I got a whole lotta other stuff I've been putting off like plumbing around here; need to replace that faucet#it's an amount of money that helps; but it's an amount of money that isn't gonna last#...that's like a year of bills; and my mom already needs me to pay like $400 to the propane bill since she got behind#I want to use it to... to try and really get my feet on the ground; but it might loose me my insurance... it makes me want to die#and not to be a selfish bastard; but if I could I'd like to try and take and invest a bit to maybe build some passive income#given that... that a job never seems to work out for me cause I fucking suck and cause like... my insomnia has me up at 5:30 am right now#mm tag so i can find things later
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Why are people surprised that Zionists are being abhorrent at these protests and then sayin they’re victims. Ig surprised isn’t the right word but people keep pointing out ‘this doesn’t make sense’ like it’s a fallacy in a discord debate like this is just how racism has always been
#sometimes I feel like no matter how much I donate or speak its not enough#but my hopelessness and depression do nothing for Palestinians either#even if I cry it’s not helping at all#even if donating doesn’t feel like enough it gets someone THAT much closer to escaping#but Im so so sick of this#specifically the way people keep trying to give Zionists the benefit of the doubt#like i understand calling out the hypocrisy but white people genuinely seem baffled that they victimize themselves and say they’re afraid#whilst doing heinous shit#that’s not new behavior#trying to educate Zionists does nothing my focus is always going to be on the Palestinian people and how I can help as materially as#possible#actually bad wording education isn’t useless#i just think approaching most Zionists in a humanizing way doesn’t help#trying to start on common ground and coax them to you#that works for ignorant people these people are cruel not stupid#These Justifications that we know are terrible and barbaric make sense to them bc the victims are brown#like it seems like y’all wanna avoid that point so bad and keep speaking on class or other shit#the root of the matter is that they can piss on graves and say they’re scared because that’s the narrative around brown people#it always has been to them! to a lot of you!#i know it’s not conflating to draw comparisons between oppressions but not in the mindspace for that so I’ll just say#for all the white people confused about the ‘logic’ there just take a look at history#recent history even like the way they treat us is not new this is just on such a wide violent scale yall finally cant ignore it anymore#i hope everyone gets what they fucking deserve from this#i hope every martyr can rest easily and that every single soldier and bystander involved in this fucking rots and burns
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woke up at 4 in the morning and stayed awake and I just had a chocolate chip cookie and let me tell you, it was amazing.
#chocolate chip cookie#woke up at 4am cause my cousin keeps his fan on super high and im sick and now i feel extremely worse#i hate being sick#my throat is killing me#my throat is so sore#my throat burns everytime i swallow and EVERYTIME i try to talk i sound like a pubescent teen boy with an extremely cracked voiced#lost voice#cant really talk#nonverbal#what the fuck#in my nonverbal era (not really tho cause im always going nonverbal)#hate talking and being sick made me realize how much i like not talking#but somehow everyone keeps trying to make me speak and the thing is i literally can't cause it hurts#also realized no one really gives a shit about that boundary of mine but atp im use to it#writing#im literally just a girl blogging#im a girl blogging who is very sick
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me: yeah so we haven't had a meeting about it yet, but I asked my coworkers about past interns and why they left; chances are they won't hire me full time at my internship immediately. However, the chances of having it extended are pretty good, and I like what I'm doing, and they're going to be talking about budget in July. Sure my finances are a little tight but--
my sperm donor (only slightly exaggerated): look for a new job immediately and tell them if they won't hire you full time you're leaving. and no, I don't care if you don't find something in your industry and you have to settle for a job that will make you hate being alive even more than you already do. Also I'm going to ignore how long it took you to find this internship to begin with
me:
#dylawa rambles#dylawa rants#this man gives zero fucks about actually seeing me go into what I fucking trained to do he just wants me to make him money#i am literally sick to my stomach right now thinking about job hunting again#'i want to see you successful and happy' okay why are you still charging me rent then#why are you making job hunting even more of a traumatic experience than it already is#literally said to him 'I don't trust my chances of finding a new job within two months' and his response: 'oh well go work customer service#it took me MONTHS to find just this internship and it's a miracle it's paid at all#it's in a nice office with nice people and i have my own computer and they feed me almost daily!#i'll live another six months in this hellhole if it means I get a guaranteed post-internship job like this#is it the ideal job? absolutely the hell not#the commute sucks i don't have work from home so i can't get away with doing other shit on the side#i feel limited in what the role requires of me vs what I'd like to make#but good fuck it's better than food service or retail#but nooooo he needs me to be his little rent cash cow without him feeling guilty about it#very tempted to bail even if it means I start eating through my savings a little bit#I don't know if I can go through the daily interrogations of 'did you apply? why aren't you hearing back? it's your fault' again#i have somewhere to go but I'm trying to keep it very 'last resort' territory#A) it would make my current work commute twice as long#B) it would require completely burning bridges with my old man bc I'd have to move out in secret#not just because i don't want him to know where the people who are sheltering me live#but also because if he saw that place even if he was willingly letting me move out he'd say 'absolutely not'#because I don't trust him not to do something weird. not necessarily DANGEROUS but. weird.#I want to burn all bridges someday!#but even now that I own my car it's still not the safest course of action#I'm so sick of being stuck dawg!#dylawa vents
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Ive been having lots of talks lately with my mom abt politics n the state of the world, Good conversations to be sure, and theyre great bc we both make good points and can compare different experiences and all -- but good God the fact that she's still seems to have. More subconscious faith in the moral integrities of the nebulous concept of a government or corporation More than she has faith in the the moral integrity of the nebulous concept of our societal peers. She talks about it like the Second a group like that is founded, its set of ethics just Miraculously appears out from the ether + just happens to Always be morally sound by default. I cant seem to find a way to word things that with like... idk. Help it Click that those corporations are still run by People and are therefore just as fallible 💀 technically More so but she's convinced capitalism is Never going to go away so she doesn't care about the whole "company's and governments in power, as they exist today, Have A Monetary Incentive To Lie To Us As Much As They Can" thing cuz shes such a damn pessimist and assumes All people have been doing that Forever 💀💀💀 SIGH it's nbd i just needed to put it in words bc its been on my mind on and off
#horse.txt#vent //#not extremely sad just like. huffy.#i love my mom to pieces but. man. we all have our issues ig 😔 it would just be nice if she wouldn't talk to me about how#the world is only every going to get worse within my lifetime#with a shrug and a laugh like 'what can ya do?' like ma. to your own adult child's face? when im already clearly upset with the state of#the world? not when im trying to talk about the kind of changes that other people are proposing we make to our overall society?#she gets so bitchy at me for always complaining but never Doing anything to change the world#but then She complains and agrees with me?? and then ALSO denounces all the Suggestions i tell her abt bc 'oh that would never work lol'#and then when i ask her 'ok well what would You do?' and she go well i think we need to get rid of credit cards and the debt system we have#and im like ok sick!!! keep going!!!#and then she goes OH but we cant get Rid of the debt system Completely bc people still need to borrow from lenders to get houses n cars#and im just. MA#shes been stuck on this metaphor of America being 'a house'#and she says all the ideas of overthrowing the government and replacing it with Anything else would be 'burning it down'#and that if America is already On fire then we should just put it out and try to rebuild it#like 1.) America is not a House it is a Cult. America is a group of people on an area of land. not a fucking House.#2.) THERE ARE PEOPLE RUNNING AROUND THE CULTHOUSE WITH FLAMETHROWERS AND GUNS TO SCARE AWAY AND/OR KILL ANYONE WHO TRIES TO PUT IT OUT.#ITS GOING TO BURN DOWN ANYWAY
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I feel your death under my skin no matter how much I try to bleed it out of me. I see you in your hospital bed. You died suddenly and without reason. They told us symptoms but no cause. Heart attack and Seizures. Respirators and IVs. Hospital bed. Grief rots my organs one by one. I feel it in my stomach as I picture your corpse and lose my lunch. I feel my liver bubbling sick as I spend my days pouring one drink, then another, then another. My lungs ache from the smoking but I can’t stop myself anymore. I lived the nightmare and still don’t feel it. I’m in denial. I’m a sorry excuse for a survivor. I imagine mom hovering over my corpse instead. There was no freak accident, there was no car crash, there was no where to seek revenge. His body failed him when he needed it most. Just as my body will do to me. One day I will die by my own hand, either through suicide or medical emergency. I can feel my body and my mind shutting down, I’m tugging imaginary IVs from my arms and signing myself out of the hospital. I refuse to heal and I can’t tell why. Life is giving me a second chance and I can’t help but plunge the knife into my chest again even if there’s no one else to stitch me back up. I’m just left sobbing and tucking intestines back into place in the dark. I can’t stop seeing you dead every time I close my eyes. I feel the rot deep within me. There is no way to get you back. I see no way to fix myself magically. I must heal to survive but I cannot stomach the process. I still can’t accept that you’re dead and yet it’s all I think about. Will this ever feel real? Will it ever have been real? Have I been rotting alone from the very start? Am I still alone now? Will I get out of here alive? How much longer can I do this?
#it’s almost three in the morning I’m trying to write poetry and failing I’m a little high I’m a little tipsy I have heart burn#it’s a grand old time#I’m gonna stop trying to fix this now bc it’s driving me insane and I don’t like this poem anymore at all#but I’m sick of reading it so I’m gonna go ignore the whole situation (denial queen over here)#I’m gonna go piss and then come back and sleep#wish my heartburn and nausea would go away#damn you mozzarella sticks before bed#the grease fucked me over but they’re so good#okay I tweaked it and now I like it more we shall see what tomorrow Milo thinks of it
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finished assignments for today. welp off to the incinerator
#AUGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!#I think finals seasons upcoming is dawning on me#I was trying to take it easy for burn out i really was and it was helping!!!#I started being able to think about my special interest again!!#I stopped fantasizing about passing out in front of somebody so someone would notice how bad it is!!#But now its all coming back and I feel so bad. I cant focus I cant do any work#I barely managed to do 3 statistics questions and one paragraph for a project. in 9 hours#I really dont know what im going to do I feel so sick#Ive never had mental health issues impact my academics before like this#Its really bad and the worst part is i think its been bad for a while#my mom called me today about medical school prep and I felt sick to my stomach#I continue to be the family problem child only 2 steps away from being the family disappointment here we go!!!!!!!#shut up me
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