#trying to fulfill my dreams while trying to keep myself from getting burnt out

[ruthiefalkonobi]

Picture of Blythe I did when I should have been working. 😂 But sometimes you just gotta break out of your art routine so you can get back into your art routine.

Scratches inspired by me shooting a plastic-fletched arrow poorly and scraping my hand. 😎👌

[the-dream-beyond]

Episode 18: Overcoming Burnout: Strategies for Resilience with Brittany Jewett

Brittany Jewett 

There is a ton of energy work out there that you can do multiple times a day. It's really resetting the body and resetting and being like taking yourself truly from your brain back into your body and breathing. Or doing yoga, facilitating that mind body connection. 10 times out of 10 will always, always help you release some energy that you've taken on to be your own.

Nik Tarascio 

So if you've ever wondered, Am I burnt out right now? Am I taking on too much? Am I completely overwhelmed? You most likely are, in fact many of us are. I think we're so conditioned not to believe that about ourselves. And we just keep pushing through anyway. But this next guest really kind of gets into the heart of the matter and talks about what burnout really is, what to do about it, and how it really is preventing us from living our most fulfilling life. I hope you enjoy the show.

Welcome to the dream beyond. I'm your host, Nik Tarascio. I'm a CEO, musician, and overall seeker of Truth, inspiration and simply put, how to live the most fulfilling life possible. Growing up surrounded by extremely wealthy and successful people gave me unique and unfiltered perspectives of those who have seemingly made it on the dream beyond we're letting you in on what it really takes to achieve your dreams. What happens when it turns out your destination isn't the promised land you are expecting how to process the lessons from your past while mapping a course to true fulfillment. Let's get started.

Everybody, today's guest is a consultant leadership coach and social impact strategist. She's the owner of b.Renovo, a consulting firm dedicated to creating high-impact executive teams and skilled nonprofit professionals who have fulfilling personal lives. I imagine that's really hard for people who are in the nonprofit world. They're super dedicated to their work. She's passionate about creating high-performing nonprofits in order to provide the best care to families who are facing poverty, human trafficking, homelessness, addiction, and reentry. Please welcome Brittany to everybody. Hey, thanks for being here. Thanks, pal. It's amazing. It's so good to have you here. And again, I've had the fortune of having Brittany come speak to my YPO forum and just watch her work her magic. And she's just a wealth of knowledge. So I'd love to kind of start out with more of a personal question, which I think will kind of illuminate the path force, which is when you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

Brittany Jewett 

Oh, easily a veterinarian. I love animals. I'm a big animal lover. It was the biggest thing I've ever wanted to be. And at some point, one of my sisters was like, you know, you have to like put animals asleep, right? And I was like, nevermind.

Nik Tarascio 

Not a big barrier there. That's good. And from that, I mean, do you have pets yourself?

Brittany Jewett 

I do I have a dog.

Nik Tarascio 

Only one thing about what's going on here.

Brittany Jewett 

I now we used to live on a farm and had a bunch of things roaming around. That's the dream, right?

Nik Tarascio 

Amazing. Do you ever see yourself sometime in the future revisiting that dream? Or is it long, long since sailed?

Brittany Jewett 

That has long since sailed? But I absolutely do see myself back on a farm with a bunch being surrounded by a bunch of dogs and chickens and geese and goats.

Nik Tarascio 

I remember watching there was a show. I don't remember if it was a Netflix show or something like that. But there was this guy. He I guess he lived on a farm in Colorado with four dogs. And they had sheep and he's like, what else is there? And I was like, he may be right. He actually may be right all this time. I'm running around New York trying to build all these things. Maybe it's the guy with the dogs and the sheep who wins.

Brittany Jewett 

It's the farm life. Yeah.

Nik Tarascio 

One of these days. So I'm not I'm not done with that dream yet. Maybe at some point, I'll get over my need to be going a million miles an hour and just hanging out with owls. So with all that said, clearly you have not gone in that direction. But it sounds like it's still in many ways, helping others, whether it's helping animals or helping people this seems like there's this desire to help that's kind of innate to who you are.

Brittany Jewett 

Yes, it absolutely is. I've always had a really sensitive spirit. And I ended up I was born and raised in New Jersey. So I also was like, in, you know, nurtured into the go a million miles an hour, I thought I'd be like living in New York City, my whole adult life with 100,000% pace. But at some point I pivoted to really wanting to get to know what makes people tick. What motivates people what makes people want to change, and that took me on a path towards social work. So I am a licensed master level social worker, that means just like a part time associate therapist, as well as doing a lot of the consulting and leadership work that I do. And in that that really just kind of prepares you and equips you to see like, what do people really need aside from all of the assumption sense that we are putting out there and putting on them, let's like really listen, and take the time to see how we can design life for somebody in a way that they can really grab hold of it in a way that they really want.

Nik Tarascio 

Sounds so what what was that moment for you like it? You know, again, you're on the track for this, like the fast paced life in New York, New Jersey. And again, I'm gonna be asking about burnout today. That's obviously the topic of the show, for selfish reasons. But like, what, what was that moment? Is there a particular breaking point where you were like, I just need to take a left turn here.

Brittany Jewett 

Yeah. I wanted to be a lawyer at to, like be like, maybe like a civil attorney, work in social justice of some kind. And I was given loving, gentle guidance to not go that route, like, other routes to do that. And, and I pivoted, and I fell in love with psychology. You know, maybe that the fast 300 $200,000 worth of debt is not like the direction you want to go.

Nik Tarascio 

How far did you go down the hole?

Brittany Jewett 

Not far a year in my undergrad.

Nik Tarascio 

Okay, so that was enough to know, that wasn't for you know,

Brittany Jewett 

I did pretty long it was like, now I switched to English, or I switched to psychology. I was like, Oh, I love this. Yeah, now I have to make a living.

Nik Tarascio 

What's incredible, I mean, truly, even as I'm reading, you know, your, your bio, I hear this desire to help others that may not be able to help themselves. And when you spoke about being a vet, it's the same thing. Like animals that can't help themselves. So it seems like you are the justice warrior from for many of us. And, and kind of going into that I'd love to learn more about, you know, just burnout for especially for the types of people that are generally listening to the show, I think there's a lot of people that have spent most of their life, stuffing down the pain, the discomfort, the fear, and just saying go go go, there's a promised land on the other side of this. And the show, really, I mean, the whole concept of the show is for most people, there is no Promised Land, you just do it. You break and realize, like, wait a minute, I was chasing the impossible. So what exactly is burnout? How do you describe it? Because I'm not even sure I really understand it.

Brittany Jewett 

Yeah, so there have been several definitions of burnout over the years since around 1970. But I think the biggest one that people resonate with and the research resonates with is emotional exhaustion. So it's kind of that state where you really can't give any more, you can't have any more compassion, you're just really, really sad, you have a hard time thinking clearly. And then that emotional exhaustion ends up manifesting in our bodies, sometimes it will show up as digestive issues, or high blood pressure, just, you know, tension in our shoulders or neck. And it really just relates to the fact that I have nothing left to give.

Nik Tarascio 

And so for people that you've worked with, I mean, are there are these the kinds of people that like, as you're talking to them, you're like, I already know you're in burnout, even if you have no idea. It's like it's almost visible that someone is experiencing that.

Brittany Jewett 

Yeah, yeah. And they usually actually say things like, the promised land and 1000 miles an hour.

Nik Tarascio 

And I let myself out, I don't know, this puerile.

Brittany Jewett 

Yeah, there is usually a state, a state of success that people are looking for, or a state of being that is not in the present moment. And that is often what I find, like, can cut people into to, you know, like, there is this life that is in front of you right now that you have, then there is this future life that you're striving to do. And this life that's in front of you, you have to find out is it there are costs to, to it to get to that. And when I say like emotional exhaustion, it's not just at work, it's the demands of everyday life, whether it's your household chores, coming in the needs of your partner, the needs of your children, the needs of your parents, you pour all of that onto one human person, that phone's going off nonstop. And it's all combined, it's like I have nothing left to give any of these things. So something has to match get it all for the sake of the future.

Nik Tarascio 

So as you know, as I'm listening to you what, what, what's really hard for me to process in a lot of this as I imagine that many times the people that you work with are coming to you they probably have some awareness that they have a problem, but in this case, people are listening to this show going like I'm kind of maybe I'm kind of curious to know a little bit more about burnout, but I'm not really burnt out. Like I imagine even for me there's a little bit of denial of like, you know, it's it's a mullet You're tired, but I'm not that burnt out. So like, what is what is life supposed to be like? Like, I'm actually wondering if I've just never known what it was like not to be burnt out?

Brittany Jewett 

Yeah. Well, that's a really, really good question. And I have found that a lot I recently did another podcast with friends is talking about this term, protecting your peace. And not a lot of people know what that is not a lot of people know what it actually feels like to experience like an inner sense of calm and alignment, where you are really centered and grounded in your space. And in fact, I would say that you're seeing in like leadership terms, you're seeing a lot more article, articles come out saying, There is no such thing as work life balance, there's no such thing as you can't achieve this, it's not possible. And, you know, I'm not I can't speak for everybody. But I can say that, you can tell like when you're not in alignment, that's the best way to know, you can tell when something is off. And something is kind of broken within, you might not have words for it, you might not call it your inner alignment, or your self nourishment or your peace. But you can tell when you're running yourself into the ground and nobody and everybody needs more from you. Does that help? Does that make sense?

Nik Tarascio 

Yes, I don't want us to, but it does. Like I just can't even think of a moment in my adult life where I didn't feel like I was being pulled in so many different directions or like, you know, again, getting into the deeply psychological stuff is I always felt responsible for everyone else's experience around me. And now as a CEO, even more, so it's like I have 100 people that I want to make sure they're having a good experience and their families have been happy with the experience that that the employees or have, you know, having with us. And so there's like so much of a sense of burden all the time. And I'm wondering like, is that just the nature of a CEO role? Or is it the nature of a leadership position where people care about their teams? Or is that actually not the way it's supposed to be?

Brittany Jewett 

I would say that is the way it's supposed to be, but with a caveat. So I don't get to work with a lot of CEOs who care about their employees, families. So that's amazing. You know, like, I just want to applaud you for that level of care and intention that you bring to the work like, there are not a lot of CEOs thinking how will these all these things impact this situation or that situation? You know, so that's one thing I can say. But the caveat is, the self awareness required to know when somebody else's energy becomes your energy is sky high, like high priority, right. So there's a difference between weighing all your options, taking in all the information, nurturing your team, and driving yourself into the ground with all that, or letting it go. And figuring out how to multiple multiple times a day, let the energy that is yours be yours and let the energy that is not yours, not viewers will be able to like let people go and let the pressure while pressure valve release a little bit. Because there's just there's no CEO, that's gonna get it right 100% of the time. And the fact that you're thinking and you're caring, and you're leading with a heart is really the highest priority, your employees are going to know your intention. But you also have to release them and release that as a burden that might crush you. You know, that's a big burden to carry.

Nik Tarascio 

Do you have advice on how to let go of those burdens? And again, the main reason for the question is I know so many people, there was a story that I read, I think it was on Quora, or Reddit or something like that. And it said, Someone asked, like, what's the easiest way to become a millionaire? And the answer was, there's two ways one is be so insecure, and so not ever feeling like you're enough that you must, you must become a millionaire. And you'll drive yourself there, like wheels come off, who cares, you'll still get there, or be an artist. That's something I truly love something and maybe you'll be one of the lucky few who makes it while you're passionate about something. So like, I know more people in the first camp, they're still trying to prove that they're enough. So how does someone release that burden? Knowing that that is part of the nature of the personality type?

Brittany Jewett 

I want to answer this in two ways. The I'm gonna put my therapists hat on and say that that is probably a deep belief of inadequacy. And I really strongly believe in therapy and helping people work through feelings of inadequacy, it comes from somewhere. Right. And I heard a great quote that said, therapists make great coaches because they know where the line is. They know when you're like talking to somebody and you're like, that's a therapeutic issue, not a coaching issue. Right. So I'm not gonna go into an organizational health consulting firms. situation where I can see the CEO needs some really deep therapy. And I'm not going to provide that. But I will say for people who are dealing with intense feelings of inadequacy, that can be fixed, that can be healed, you can experience emotional freedom and healing. And it's a really wonderful feeling. That's the first thing.

The second thing is I do like coaches, executive coaches, or life coaches, because they're solutions-focused, and might be a nice in-between with therapy. And they can ask you, this is what I asked your YPO team was, before I give you five hard skills of what Nick can go take away, to not take on people's energies, I want to know why you do it in the first place. I want to know what you're thinking about it. And if you don't take on their energy, then what does that mean? And I want you to do some internal reflection on that. Because then you realize where your motivation lies, and once you realize where your motivation lies, then you can change. And that's when we can get talking into that skill set. Which is there is a ton of energy work out there that you could do multiple times a day. It's really resetting the body and resetting and being like taking yourself truly from your brain back into your body. And breathing. Or doing yoga, facilitating that mind-body connection. 10 times out of 10 will always help you release some energy that you've taken on to be your own. There are a lot of loving kindness meditations.

And I know this is really hard for people who don't experience a lot of gentleness toward themselves. Some of these loving kindness meditations actually encourage you to literally say the name of the thing that you're holding on to and release it and let it go. And it's a practice, but it helps. You know, it helps over time. It's like building a muscle. Nobody's gonna start a meditation practice a guided meditation practice and be like, Wow, that was that was wonderful. Everyone's That was terrible. It doesn't make it wrong.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, I mean, my personal experience in this and again, I've done a lot of meditation, a lot of therapy, a lot of all different types of stuff, like coaching, you name it. What I found is for me, when we create more awareness, it's actually really shitty for a while, because I'm like, now I feel all my feelings, like I didn't want to feel all that stuff. I've spent decades stuffing that down. And I feel it. But I guess that's when I get to get to work, right? Like, now I have the clarity to be able to do something about it. So I guess it does get better before it gets worse generally.

Brittany Jewett 

Yeah, well, let me tell you, that is true for organizational health and leadership development. There are there's a ton of research out there about how teams get together, they decide they're going to do this thing together, they're going to be more transparent. They're going to do the five dysfunctions of a team. They're going to just really do the organizational health thing. And they start saying the things. And they just start unearthing the things and they go. And they tank, like, and then they go, Oh, my gosh, this was the worst idea ever. Please go back into our offices and pretend like none of this existed. This isn't work.

This is therapy, like what did I did come to sign up for therapy. And it's just like, it's not therapy. You know, nobody wants you to do group therapy at work. Nobody wants your boss to be your therapist. No one wants that. But getting all the information on the table does help you make better decisions. And when you make better decisions, and you have more trust and transparency and alignment, things slowly start to come back up, then you start to perform. And then you start to get the outcomes that you're looking for. But it is a common thing. It's a common thing in couples counseling, you go to couples counseling, and you think this, my marriage is so much worse than it was before until it starts getting better.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, that's I mean, sitting with this comfort, that's like a theme of what I talk about so much on this podcast, because it's something I'm just terribly bad at. Yeah, I'm like, This feels not good. Let me go get into action or suit or find some other way to deal with it. But it actually is really nice to hear that it's nice to set that expectation of you know, I think we all I would assume most leaders of organizations, most people in general have that gut instinct of something's not right here. And I'm afraid to go and poke at anything because the narrative I grew up with was like, Don't poke around in my mind, because if you do, you're just making things worse, like it's better for you to stay out of my head and then that initial experience of these conversations validates that fear. Yeah, and it's like my brakes on that's why I said we weren't going to do this, but it's nice to hear. It's like you just got to stick out that first part. And then the gifts come a little bit down the road. So yeah, delayed gratification for the win once again.

Brittany Jewett 

And Nik, your team will only be as vulnerable as you are. Any, any team will only be as vulnerable as a CEO is. And so if we have CEOs who are just fundamentally uncomfortable with feelings, then they're gonna have a hard time building that trust.

Nik Tarascio 

Well, let's, let's challenge that a bit. Because this scares the shit out of me. Right? What you're saying right now is like, I want to be more vulnerable. I want to open up more, but I have had some people say like, Hey, maybe that's too much. Maybe people don't want to follow someone who's airing all their shit. And so like, how can someone be vulnerable without dumping or creating a feeling of like, I can't follow this person's lead. They're so messed up.

Brittany Jewett 

Yeah, I would say acknowledge the nuance that there are and trust your gut, there are some moments where it is better to refrain. But there is a gray area, there is no black and white answer to that, like, there's always going to be nuance. And I think leaders should really trust their gut, and what they need to share. In the context of organizational health and leadership development, what you're really getting at is being vulnerable. In psychological safety, I'm not sure it's up to you how close you are I can, we can have people listening here who say that their workplace is like a family, and that they have friends who will be lifelong friends from work, where they feel comfortable talking about stuff that's more personal, and can also have somebody listening here who's like, I would never share personal things, I don't trust these people.

So the answer to that I think, is more in the psychological safety field where it's like, your vulnerability needs to look like I made a mistake. That was the wrong call. Like, I put this in this place, I made this decision. without consulting you, I wrote that email and stepped on your toes, and it was not the right thing to do. So it's being humble in your vulnerability, and being able to say that, I don't get it right all the time. And so I'm not going to be sitting here pressuring you to get this work right all the time, oh, you have a sick kid, or this is going on in your personal life, and you're having a really terrible day, same here, you know, I give you kind of some of that space for that. So if you are curious where that line is, start pushing the needle on psychological safety a little bit, being vulnerable with your mistakes, and see how people react. If you notice that, and then after that your people are still holding that cards really close to their chest, you might have a trust problem.

Nik Tarascio 

That's really helpful. Because my mind immediately goes to like, I want to tell people about all of my insecurities versus like, no, maybe I just tell them about mistakes I've made. I like that a lot of saying, Let me own my mistakes in front of them to show like, I'm not this perfect. I'm not this perfect human. Although I think in a lot of ways that was the way I came up was, I almost need to be showing up in a way of almost inhuman, I've been told before that they were like, I mean, this was 10 years ago when I was just figuring a lot of this stuff out. But some of the employees were like, you're you're not even like a person.

You're like this robot who shows up and a high performance, no mistakes, every checking every box. Like you'd never get upset, or I never thought you'd would get angry because I wanted more from the team. But I would never be like, Oh, I messed up. So it's interesting to see that a lot of that was the fear. And even now, it's like, there are times where, because of personal stuff, I do get burnt out. I mean, I'm probably always burnt out. But like I really get to the point where I can't perform. And then I'm so afraid to tell the team that that's where I am. So instead I show up half-assed, and then they're like, oh, Nick's checked out and doesn't care about the company. I'm like, no, no, I care about the company. I'm just suffering in my personal life, and I can't even bring it up. Because it's not safe for me to say,

Brittany Jewett 

Yeah, and I think that's fair. If it's your personal life, that's fair. If you you know, there's a difference between sharing all of your insecurities and one of your insecurities. You know, there's a difference between airing all the things that are going on in your personal life versus saying, like, I am super overwhelmed, I imagine you all must be to, you know, and give people a follow up to your behavior. You know, if you're starting to feel like oh, they're seeing me a little checked out. Give them some feedback and commentary about maybe like, what are you going to do to check back in if they've said something like that? You know, I think that point when we get so burned out, we can't even speak like put words together. We need to really take time away like and I mean, a way away. No phone, I'm sorry. No phone, and no email and drop into your body and become you know, a human being again, so that you can breathe and find the words again to like, be a little bit more functional for your health and wellness and Um, but yeah, that that, that dark space is really hard to speak in and to speak to and to even offer feedback for somebody. So that resonates with me.

Nik Tarascio 

I tried to do something yesterday that was relatively new for me. I tried to eat lunch without the TV on without touching my phone. Yeah, it was very hard. Yeah, it was very hard. It was like the like that practice alone, I thought would be really helpful. I can't remember if that's something that you had mentioned of like, taking an actual lunch break. So I was, I don't know if it was because I knew I was interviewing you today. But yesterday that just literally popped into my head was like, God eat lunch without distraction. Like, really taste your food, take your time. And I think I picked my phone up no less than six times. And like, click the button on the side? And I'm like, no, no, put it down. So it's an amazing practice, it was really interesting to see how I forced the moment and I didn't even say forest, I created a space for presence, that would have otherwise just been total distraction.

Brittany Jewett 

Yeah. And that's what we talked about with the YPO group was like, don't wait for vacation to do that. Don't wait for the weekend, you could do that five times a day. You know, I even work with somebody who gets very overstimulated by like bright lights and loud noises. And to me that signals, your whole nervous system needs to turn off. And they started curling into a ball blank, you know, blanket black over their eyes, no phone, no light for five minutes in their office twice a day. And it's just like, I can be human. And that has helped sane people throughout the day, there's so much coming out about people like using cots as chairs. Now, there's just so much trending online about people taking naps and just turning turning down the volume a little bit. But overall, what I always get from that is like, Well, when I wake up, the problem is still gonna be there. And when I come back from lunch, it's still gonna have I'm still gonna have 70 emails. Well, we either one thing we talk about in social work is we either change the delivery of services, or the staffing we do a lot of analysis on can the work that we do change? Can you figure out how to cope within this environment? Or do you need to move on? And I don't think those are three hard and fast buckets. But that's where leadership team leadership team coaching comes in is that I really do think leadership teams can redesign their environments in ways that help people thrive and flourish and not run themselves into the ground.

Nik Tarascio 

And so is that mostly, like when you look at what your company does? Is it mostly working with teams or individuals? Teams? Okay. And is it I know, it's, you know, from what I read in your bio, it's mostly focused on nonprofits do you do work with for profits as well?

Brittany Jewett 

I've done a couple of for profit companies. Yeah. And the design work that we're talking about has predominantly been with nonprofits. Because our work is so draining and fast, or nonprofits, there's so many different types of nonprofits, I just say social services. But yeah, with the work can be so draining similar with healthcare environments that GO GO, GO GO GO is present. But there's an issue of not being paid like an underpayment. And for the time that you're going in, you're so so tired, because you're absorbing a lot of crises, and a lot of other people's pain. So burnout is crazy there. And that's why redesigning things, shifting things around looking at different sources of funding and getting really creative with how you deliver services to people is one of the primary services that we offer.

Nik Tarascio 

Okay, I think I told you this when we first spoke that most aviation companies don't make money. So technically speaking, my industry is nonprofit. So I think that means my whole industry qualifies as clients of yours. Yes. And it's Go Go, go, go go. It's absorbing a lot of people's pain, ask any flight attendant. Yeah, so hopefully, you could support our industry because we really could use the balance. I think that, you know, really, really getting to the heart of it. It's one of the hardest things about the work we do. And I don't know how much I told you about this before. But we, you know, we do things like organ transport, we fly doctors to go harvest organs to save lives. You know, everyone's kind of pushing the limits. They're not home for long periods. They're working through the middle of the night when everyone is on vacation, they're working because we provide all those services. It's really been a goal of mine to say how do we build the company that, like we as a leadership team would actually want to work for that really sees the value in people and doesn't just say like, you're a pilot, you're an asset, we could drive you to the limit the way we drive, you know, the maximum hours on a plane.

So I think I think In a lot of ways, like, this is my cry for help. It's like I think our industry has done such a terrible job of taking care of the people. And I mean, even as we're talking, I'm like really inspired to say, how do we find more ways for someone like you to come in and support us and look at the way we do things? So I'm sure there'll be a follow-up on my end of saying, like, yeah, let me show you how duty schedules work. And I'm sure they're in the medical field, it's probably the same thing. It's doctors going out to harvest organs or going for 20 hours straight. 24 hours straight sometimes. Right. But to that end, I am curious about your company. So what does the name mean?

Brittany Jewett 

Yeah, it's an interesting name. And I get this question a lot. And it's B renouveau. The B is for breath. And then we're Novo is for renewed. It means renewal in Latin. And it is, the name actually embodies the moment that we stop, and like slow down enough to take a moment to center ourselves bright before we start that path of renewal. And the breath is so vital to preventing and becoming resilient toward emotional exhaustion and burnout, that I was like, I tried all these different ways. I was like, I need to get this in my name somehow, because I think the breath is our greatest friend, and it's our greatest teacher.

But we always forget that there is this moment, right before we decide to change that starts us on a path toward organizational health, organizational change, individual personal development, a career change, there's a moment that we have to stop and say to ourselves, this is not working. And my name honors that. And the company's name embodies that moment. Because we go back to that multiple times, when things get really difficult as the motivation and the source that's going to keep it why did you start this journey in the first place? Right? Why did you start change and renewal in the first place? You knew something had to change?

Nik Tarascio 

I mean, it's, I'm intrigued, because it's also, like, really good timing. I just started breathwork. Practice. And yeah, I'm also trying to find a way for me, the breathwork practice that I'm doing is really more about getting into witness consciousness. Like I'm trying to say, like, Yes, I can be in my pain, I can be in my suffering, I could be in my struggle. But if I could just create a little bit of space that I can witness myself in that pain, witness myself and that struggle, then I actually can do something about it. They say, like, Where's that coming from? Or what is causing it? So I think that's really cool that you're talking about that. I wonder is there I mean, you know, for people that are curious about breath practices, and I know, like meditation has been peddled at us for, you know, a long time now. And a lot of people are not sold on it yet. What breath practices do you recommend for people that are saying I do want to start there, and I want to connect more to myself, and I want to find those tools to downregulate in the moment, is there any body of breathwork study that you recommend,

Brittany Jewett 

Um, I will always start with a 478. Like, it's called Box breathing. And I definitely know you have listeners who are like not 478, there's 478, and then box breathing, but I was one of those people. And that's why I keep commenting on it. I had my own experience of burnout, and, and trying to start, like healing from all of that was so like, everything it was like nothing is going to take away this over. No little small step is going to take away this overarching problem. But for some reason, I just kept showing up, even though I wasn't feeling like a big impact, doing box breathing. There are a lot of breath work, you know, I'm all about like, giving toward people who are kind of up and coming. But there are a lot of breathwork facilitators who are offering a $5 session on Instagram Thursday at two o'clock, right? You look at your schedule, you're like, look, I'm available at two. And I'm gonna go over to Instagram, there's a ton of breathwork on the Insight Timer. And 478 Breathing is the breathwork that general practitioners often give people when they are stressed out. So that's probably where I would start. Just feeling what it's like to pay attention to your breath. Even if you do that for two minutes, just experience what that's like.

Nik Tarascio 

I'm actually curious as 478 like four in hold for seven out for a

Brittany Jewett 

yes, yes. Okay. Yeah.

Nik Tarascio 

Okay, cool. Sorry. I didn't mean to cut you off.

Brittany Jewett 

It's important when you feel thoughts to just acknowledge them and kind of just let them know and not judge yourself for them coming through. You know, that's going to be something that helps you build this ability to nurture yourself. And I know we've talked about this before. There's a difference between self care and self nourishment in our nourishment is The things that we do as a ritual that keep us healthy, that make us feel mentally healthy, that keep us grounded and centered. So we feel like we're actually nourishing and feeding ourselves in a sustainable way. And there are rituals that we eventually can't live without self care sometimes starts to feel like a list that you're given. Just go take a bath and go do this one thing, this one thing. And I think when you get even more things for your list, then you become even more burdened. So starting to think of tools, as a thing that you need to survive is going to be a better approach than think, thinking of it as something that you need to do.

Nik Tarascio 

I remember you saying that once before, and I just couldn't really anchor that like, on some level, if I believe it's something I need to do to survive. I'm assuming that like, my motivation should be much more there of like, I have to do this today. It's not even like, it's not something that I have to like, maybe if I find time, it's like, no, I must do this. Because this is a survival thing. So is that really what the spirit of that is just to raise your impetus to do so?

Brittany Jewett 

Well, when you do it, you realize you can't live without it. And that's really what we're talking about here. Right now, we're speaking about these things theoretically, as if they are on a list. But when you live them, and you're, you're in a ritual, and your mindset is committed to this, like there is nothing more important in this moment, that for me to stop, slow down, and whether it's for you, it's eat, with nothing going on. There's nothing more important in this moment, because I need this, to turn the lights off and curl into a ball like, that is what I need to be doing. When you do it, you get the fruit of it repeatedly if you do it over and over. And I think that's that's really the impetus is you receive from what you're pouring into yourself. And I would like to say to people that they're worth stopping and slowing down.

Nik Tarascio 

So how does all of this relate to fulfillment? Given that I think most of the people that are driving themselves as hard as as hard as I am, when I say the promise, that's what I'm really talking about. I'm like, somewhere on the other side of me, just dragging myself across the street at a million miles an hour, there's going to be this moment of like, I could finally breathe, and it's enough and I feel it all in my heart and everything's amazing.

Brittany Jewett 

Or you could turn on the podcast off and die right now have a heart attack. And I know that that's not unlike you might not want to put that on. But that is really my first gut reaction. Is that like, what we have right now is what is in front of us. And if if I'm looking at Nick right now, and it's like, you are a ball of stress, and you're a ball of striving, everything in the future doesn't really even exist. And I'm not talking to you in a way of like, I'm kind of loaded up person. And I just like, go with the wind. I'm very driven and very ambitious. I do think of the future I think of my own promised land. But I will not let it kill me. I see that's not a tool. I'm not giving you a tangible skill. That's a thought. That's my mindset. I'm not letting the future kill me, I'm not going to tear myself into knots. Thinking about this problem absorbing this person's energy taking this issue on when it's not my issue, the future really doesn't exist. And the way we think about the future, and the Promised Land is something that we need to do some real digging on.

Nik Tarascio 

Well, let's stay there for a second because it is something that you've done on like, you know, I've spoken to a lot of people and I'm like, give me all the nuggets, give me all the nuggets that I could consume, and then keep running ahead while watching television. Right? It's, it's really cool to hear you keep going back to none of this shit matters unless the mindset is right. Right? Like it really doesn't matter. Because I think in the same way, it's like, oh, you could exercise and eat well, because you hate yourself. Right? You could like you could totally shame yourself into doing things that appear to be healthy and for, you know, again, for self care. It really sounds like it is this powerful. Like to me this is the witness consciousness is why am I doing anything I'm doing? Am I doing it? Because I'm not enough? Am I doing it because I deserve everything? Yeah. And I really I really appreciate that reminder.

Brittany Jewett 

Yeah. I also like I really, I think the self introspection and self awareness is really, really good. But the purpose of it is emotional freedom. Right? It's that we do something with it to where we you know, when we examine our thoughts and examine our mind and our motivations, it's so that we can make a decision from that that will help us thrive. Whether it is leave the job change, you know, change the way we do the job, or ask for ask for more help something else that we might need. But really, this don't We don't want be in a state of like, endless self introspection and do nothing with it. You know, this idea that we're like, I know, I'm burned out, and I'm gonna Google CEO burnout and come up with this list. I mean, good luck. Go, go try to do the list before you actually interrogate yourself. And when you interrogate yourself, then try to take some steps towards it.

Nik Tarascio 

Yeah, I think you're absolutely hitting it on the head, I'm usually very fast to do exactly that thing. Like, oh, look at me, I'm so self aware, I'm gonna go make a list and then create an Asana project, and then also tell, you know, my team to support me in this and tell my partner to hold me accountable. And it's like, oh, I just created a whole other responsibility thing for me to do. And it didn't create any space for the thought. So, yeah, I think that's I think that's really powerful. I mean, of all the, of all the mindsets, or the ways to view oneself, is there anything we haven't touched on yet that you're like, it is another important mindset to come from, as you think of unwinding yourself from, like the concept of a human doing versus a human being?

Brittany Jewett 

Yeah, and a human machine versus a human being? Yeah, I love that. You know, I really think that there are some folks who can easily put $1 amount on everything that they do this amount of time, if I grind this hard, I won't miss this opportunity. If I connect with this person, if I do this, then my career's going to be like this. And they can put $1 amount on everything. And I just wouldn't encourage people to put $1 amount on your health, and your emotional freedom, your mental health and your emotional freedom, there is a cost. You know, when you don't tend to yourself, there's a cost there. You don't know where it's gonna show up. You don't want it's going to catch up to you. And it's not really, I'm not sending out like a red flag doom and gloom warning. But I am saying it's something to consider how much you know, time with your family financially is worth and how much time with yourself personally, caring for yourself is worth. And it's very rarely factored in to our equations.

Nik Tarascio 

Well, I feel very well sized up today. Thank you for Thank you for seeing me, even if I didn't want to be seen.

Honest, yeah, no,

Nik Tarascio 

my pleasure. It's, I feel like this is pointless if I'm not, right, at the end of the day, I really, I imagine there's a lot of people that experienced the same stuff. And I'm always happy to throw myself under the bus anytime I get a chance. Self love for the win. But yeah. I'm curious to know, as we as we kind of come to the close of the episode, given all that you've done, given how I mean, you just have such a wealth of knowledge that anytime we've spoken, you just always have such. I love that you don't even answer my questions. You're like, that's a bad question. This is this is really how you really got I don't know, you don't say it that way you say with compassion, but I respect that you're like, I'm not going to take the bait. I'm actually going to answer what I think I really hear is coming up here. So I mean, I just feel like you're, you're so accomplished. You're helping so many people from where you are today. What is your dream beyond? What do you wake up thinking like, I can't wait to see this happen?

Brittany Jewett 

Yeah, I'm so excited to turn b.Renovo into like a two-fold practice. And I think that the work that I do is in a cycle, you know, we have organizational health and leadership development at the top with skilled people at the bottom, going into fulfilling lives, and we're all just in this cycle when you're taking care of the top, you're taking care of your people. And I plan to grow this business into something where we're really, really taking care of people who are often not taken care of like our teachers, our social workers, our health care, frontline people, and our forgotten folks. So I really am interested in making sure that people who are the bosses of those folks are growing in their own personal journey and organizational health.

Nik Tarascio 

Well, thank you for helping support me in mine. I'm always, I'm always inspired whenever we talk. And if, if you too, are inspired by what Brittany is talking about, you could check out be renouveau.com We'll leave you know, we'll have all the links and show notes. And again, really, the work she's doing is incredible. It's organizational health and professional development, also life and career coaching. I would probably say I need all of those things. So go check out our website. And again, I'm just so grateful to just watch your journey and, and have like an incredible resource to help me make sense of mine.

Brittany Jewett 

Yeah, thank you so much. Thank you for having me.

Nik Tarascio 

All right. Take care. Thank you for listening to the dream beyond. I hope that you received whatever message or inspiration you were meant to get from today's episode. I had a great time recording it for you. If you love the show, please take 30 seconds to subscribe rate and review it. That really helps get the word out. And if you want to connect with me you can find me at

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[serenheist]

What Jin is like in a relationship/ Jin as a boyfriend Tarot reading

I just realized I describe some things in this reading that won’t make sense to you guys cause I used my angel tarot deck in the picture but I’m using my other tarot deck to look at the pictures and describe what I get because the angel deck isn’t as visually expressive compared to my other one lol whatever.

How long does it take Jin to get into a relationship? & Does he prefer long or short term relationships The sun reversed, ace of cups, page of wands knight of cups, judgement reversed

Jin seems to get into relationships so what quickly but moreso having a problem of being too intense. There’s a lot of showing off, over bearing energy. When he meets new partners he can come across as too egotistical and the partner can feel outshone. He could be caught up in the excitement of new relationships. He might have gotten into a good amount of relationships quickly because the Princess of wands is younger immature energy and gets caught up in the idealized worship of someone. I think he likes that purity aspect in someone in a new relationship whether that literally means he likes virgins👀 or he just likes someone who appears pure but has a fiery passionate side. But still this has made him more arrogant like “I can get anyone” energy and at the same time left him burnt out. There’s always a burnt out energy with these guys.

Now it looks like he wants something more long term. It looks like he’s starting to slowly move away from that party everyday lifestyle and jumping into a new relationship quickly. Very slowly though. I get the image of him now ignoring calls of past hookups cause it’s no longer fulfilling. It’s somewhat lonely though because he lost some people he used to hang out with in that lifestyle and decided to go off on his own and find fulfillment on his own. There’s also no longer being invited to places with friends that you used to go to to possibly meet people.

Past & present love life past: 4 of swords, avenoir 1 present: 7 of wands, queen of cups

In the past a lot of people flocked to Jin and I think he enjoyed having so many options and all the fun of it but having more and more and people being attracted to superficial things left him taking a break from dating stuff. This reminds me of some dumb shit like when you’re the cool one cause you bring all the booze to the party but it’s fleeting popularity and no one actually likes you as a person but they like the fact that you got the alcohol. When people meet you they’re expecting the life of the party and after awhile you just wanna avoid everyone and everything.

Present: it looks like Jin is being defensive in his love life right now that he’s blocking a great connection someone that isn’t even far away. He could be too much in his head and rejecting a lot of people who just wanna fuck around. I wonder if he actually has a specific person in mind because this queen of cups is literally telling the 7 of wands dude to come here while he’s too busy trying to fight off these unseen “enemies”. Idk it doesn’t look like he’s with this person represented by the queen though but if he wanted to they’re seriously right there, there’s water flowing from the queen of cups to 7 of wands on the ground he could just keep walking instead of wasting his time on past stuff.

What is he like in a relationship samadhi 29, the keeper of whispers, dolphin, sad embrace 54, G. hobyah 61 reversed, 6 of wands

When he’s in a relationship he isn’t distracted by all the people trying to cozy up next to him. He doesn’t care how hot someone is he only has eyes for his person even when so many people like him. I think he’s become more open minded in the sense that he accepts his partner more as they are and won’t try to make them into something they’re not. He likes to play around and have fun and be social and all that but he’s also protective and caring for someone he’s in a relationship with.

Though it seems like he can go through a lot of stages of ego problems and feeling sorry for himself I’m not sure why. He has a lot of confidence but his desire to be center of attention can bring conflict. I gotta say though I think he’s not the best at communicating when conflict arises like he can’t articulate himself in a way without resorting to trying to be playful when it’s not needed. The keeper of whispers really reminds me of the because even I can’t articulate it. It’s about having access to all this vast knowledge and not being able to express it at all.

What is his ideal type Abaddon, 33 translucence, Penelope dreamweaver 28 reversed, queen of pentacles, 39 protecting treasure, cat, 5 of wands reversed

Okay his type is what we pretty much already know, with the Queen of pentacles being a great homemaker and nurturing sensual etc but I’m getting there’s sort of an energy of being successful or maybe from a wealthy family but having to keep up appearances and being bored out of your mind. This person works way too hard and their inner self wants to go off and leave the mundane world and go off and actually enjoy their own fantasies and dreams. They could be from a family where they weren’t allowed to pursue a more creative path and had to stay in the family business but this person is very creative and has a lot of anger towards not being able to do what they want. Their father especially is probably the head of the family and very controlling and strict on them because they could be the heir to the family fortune or oldest child etc.

There could be internal conflict or outer conflict with their family about what they want to do but I think they’ll ultimately choose what they want to do because they have too much of an independent spirit and it’s inevitable. This person is highly selective about who they become friends with I think because they have a lot of trust issues with people just wanting to be their friend because they’re well off. But I see them having a mysterious air, elegant and confident or that could be what they project to the outer world the real them is having a more wild child attitude. They feel like they’ve been living in a superficial world for too long and ready to go into the unknown and hang out with different kinds of people not just from their social background. They love the night and are very affectionate when they get used to you. There’s a certain ruggedness to them Idk if they’ll actually dress more free and wild but they might have longer hair and let it go free and I feel like they’d love big outdoor concert venues and underground shows a lot. Like huge edm festivals where you dress up in wild outfits. Jin would love that type of free spirit energy that’s bold in the face of adversity. But I still think he wants them to look “presentable” for lack of a better word, in front of family at least for show but they’re actually a freak tbh.

What is his love language the dark lady reversed 20, epoch 7

Since he spends a lot of time occupying himself with his career and the outer world, his love language is quality time but moreso a nice meal at home with someone he loves, soft blankets nice music, phones on silent and away from the stresses of life

Random Ramblings: Bruh I am not satisfied with this reading lol My mind went blank idk why. With the other readings it was easy af and flowed. But I think I was overthinking for this one, it took me several days to do this shit like I could not relax at all. But then again I’m probably too hard on myself cause I’m never satisfied with my readings.

[wisteria-lodge]

lion primary + burnt rapid-fire bird secondary (snake model)

Hi! I’m really enjoying your page and was wondering if you might help me to find my sorting? I can’t settle on Chill Lion Primary or Snake Primary.

I seem to be able to leave friendships really easy

Not *Badger,* maybe? Because Snake can be friends with people who aren’t Inner Circle. Depends on what level of loyalty we’re talking about here… need more data.

if the choice is a stranger in need vs. my closest friend, it would be a stranger I would feel worst for abandoning, but I probably only deeply care about my family members, and friends only to some extent and helping someone in need would make me feel as a better person than just not turning my back on a friend.

… THAT is not a Snake primary answer, I can tell you that for sure.

When I was a kid and my mom would have a fight with my stepfather, I would always side with my mom, even if I knew she was not really right. I did not want to hurt her, but now when I am older, I know how important it is to stand by what you see as right, so I try to d talk about seeing things from both sides, even though I will still stand by her side in the end, probably. There is not much I can do for the people I care about, but when I am given an opportunity to protect and fight for them, I will.

There’s something interesting going on here. Because clearly you acted in a super Snake way when you were younger (‘they might be wrong, but I’m still going to defend them’) but… you felt bad about it. And you definitely *feel* bad about it, in retrospect.

Especially with that situation you gave me right there… I would not be at all surprised if you were expected to model Snake, or even forced to model Snake when you were younger.

But I deeply believe ‘the root of all evil’ is only caring about your own. I think that is selfish and cold.

Yeah. I think you may have an unhealthy Snake influence in your life. The conflict between Loyalists and Idealists is very near the heart of this system, and they do go back and forth, with Loyalists seeing Idealists as ruthless and cruel, Idealists seeing Loyalists as… yeah, selfish and cold. The way I see it, both are beautiful and expansive and know things the other needs to learn - and both can also be warped, and unhealthy, and scary.

I think I would be a better person if I had something to believe in, if I would fight for something bigger than me. I have not found it. Or maybe I did, but there is not much I can do about it. I can not incorporate it into my life apart from personal small actions, and I want to do more

This is very much a Lion primary dream. And I just want to say that the Lion dream does not have to be huge and all-encompassing in order to be meaningful, and real, and fulfilling.

Or maybe I just want an easy and lazy life, just doing what I like and just a bit more and that’s it. Sometimes it is like that too, I believe.

And you know what, that’s kind of a Lion primary mood too :)

I wouldn’t say standing by people you most care about is morally right, but it is a damn strong force.

Still Lion. Like OF COURSE if you can stand by both your morals and your people, that’s IDEAL.

As much as I can remember, I never had anything big and idealistic to believe in, apart from not hurting others, and a lot of what I believe in now is based on that.

You *want* something big and idealistic to believe in, to be happy and fulfilled. That’s still Lion, even if no Cause has clicked with you yet. (I suspect you’re a little burned, which can’t be helping.)

So I was always really harsh to people who I thought were selfish.

Again with this negative Snake influence.

I thought I was a Lion Secondary, but more and more I keep noticing how much I am using honesty as a tool.

Hmmm. Could be a Snake secondary tactic, but Birds do like their tools….

Sure, being yourself is the easiest thing in the world

… everyone does not feel this way. You’ve got strong Lion in your sorting somewhere.

but it also allows you to be seen as readable and trustworthy in your words. I know how much I can shift words or tone just a bit. Sometimes it feels like I am watching from inside, going “oh, you’re doing this now?”

That’s interesting. The way you’re describing thing - the slight arm’s length, knowing the mask is a mask, but also not planning the mask - is making me think more Snake. Although Actor Bird *is* possible.

I am very emotional, and I find it hard to distinguish my morality and moral choices from just general things I do and want.

… so you’re a Lion primary.

So the only other primary on my list could be Lion, which I find hard to understand. How can things turn from some tug of the heart to a full-fleshed ideal? My belief – trying not to hurt people and all that is related to it, in my mind, still comes from a grounded reality, from the fact that it hurts me to see someone being hurt. It’s not because it was idealistically formed somewhere. I think I probably don’t understand this correctly.

Lion primaries aren’t jedi. Their ideals don’t get magically beamed into their heads from some outside force. Lions reason just the same as Birds, they just use a different part of their psyche to do it. The fact that your morality (at its core, at its base) comes from the way things make you feel… that is what makes you a Lion. Birds don’t process things that way.

Maybe this sounds a bit like a Badger Primary, but there is no place for a group in my morality, in my life. Neighbors? Pffft, just let us live in peace and leave us alone. Groups are unpleasant usually. Maybe if you could choose people you like and click with them. Of course, acceptance is important, but it will never be the basis of anything. Have I never had an important group in my life? Maybe, but that would either mean I have been burned for a long time or I am just not a Badger Primary.

You’re not a Badger primary. And while it’s not a universal thing, I would say that Lion primaries tend to be the *most* comfortable with being loners, or spending extending periods of time as loners.

Of course, I use my brain and prioritize in the moment and use logic. I am not a sweet and nice badger girl, although I will be nice and smile and act my part, and sometimes you do hurt someone by telling the truth or putting yourself first, because I also don’t want to hurt myself if I have a different choice.

This is all starting to sound very snake secondary. The practicality, and twisting, and changing in the moment. Although maybe there’s a Badger performance in there?

Even if I can’t feel what others are feeling, I have something informing me about what they might be feeling. Do I care about not hurting my neighbor? It’s more like I care about not hurting myself by getting into a bad situation with them, being shouted at or having other kinds of problems with them, but that’s still some kind of motivation

Move around the problem, be like water.

Honesty is an idealistic value, and I like it, but I think it probably just makes my life easier, easier to read people and be read.

Snake secondary.

I think I also strongly believe in persons’ right to be and express who they are, that’s why I grew up hating gender stereotypes and not really playing into social rituals. I just want to be seen and liked for who I am.

Lion primary.

My Secondary? It probably burned to ashes. Thinking about how I am doing stuff, improv vs build, it just gives me a headache. Improvisation gives me stress, it gives me hell, but it’s the easiest way.

I mean, all the stuff you’ve been talking about - reading people, putting on the right face, changing direction - absolutely counts as improvisational.

Planning, preparing? Lovely, usually -  access denied. I just go head first just because I don’t know any other way and have no interest or energy to search for it. I am easily bored, so even if I wanted to work, prepare, research, I would lose interest so fast that there would be no use in even trying.

I don’t think you’re a Badger secondary - but it’s just hard to tell because you are so down on your secondary in general. You’re telling me that prepping in theory is lovely but you don’t know how to do it? (not that you don’t LIKE it. That you CAN’T do it.)

I always thought I would finally find something I wanted to work on, something I would enjoy putting time and energy into, but that does not seem to come true.

That’s some more of the angst of your charred/unfulfilled Lion primary coming though.

I am disappointed in myself. You know, it would be very nice if I could be witty and smart and improvise in the moment, but I’m not,

So you *like* Snake secondaries at least.

so I just gave up some time ago and now usually go straight with my head first. At least I’m getting the experience I would never get any other way.

Your secondary is burnt, for sure. But just reading between the lines here… I think you’re much smarter and more capable than you give yourself credit for.

I think if I were to be a Lion Secondary and constantly do this, I wouldn’t feel the heaviness over my secondary.

That’s another big sign of a burnt secondary. Doing things isn’t fun, it’s heavy, it’s a chore, it’s a slog.

Okay, let’s talk about recipes and cooking. I will follow the recipe, at least until I get what is going on, which flavor does what, why is this and not that. Then I can ditch it. I can add whatever I want later on. If I know which parts are the most important, I might not even need the recipe.

… okay, so this suddenly sounds a LOT like a Rapid-Fire Bird

Imagine a world where they give you a recipe for an apple pie and say make a pie. You follow it, your pie looks fine. Then, when they taste it, they tell you, Oh, you didn’t know, you needed to use sour apples. You didn’t figure that out on your own? No, dagnabit, I was concentrating on making an apple pie for the first time in my life. I had no experience of this thing. I didn’t know what it would be. Then they tell you, Oh, maybe you needed to use coconut sugar or something else, or maybe should have figured out yourself that it’s too sweet or that you hate cinnamon, or maybe your oven is not working properly, so you need to deal with that. Yeah, that’s how I feel about life and its problems and people.

Oh that’s interesting. Because what *this* bit is sounding like… is the angst of a Built secondary dealing with a lot of Improvisational secondaries. I’m think you’re a Bird… with a lot of Snakes and Lions in your life.

Every chance I get, I try to tell people these little small things that you somehow supposedly had to figure out on your own. You need to crack the system first to know how you can break it the best way to achieve your goals. Life, problems, people are systems I will never be able to crack. There is nothing to grab onto, so that’s why freefalling headfirst is the best and the easiest option.

OH. Burnt bird secondary. Snake model.

Btw, I am reading other submissions while writing this, to not go completely out of the path and get any ideas that would be valuable. I do like to have a net behind me to catch me if I fall, ha.

And another little detail that sounds very Birdy.

So I’m reading you as a Lion primary with a Rapid-fire Bird secondary. Your primary is burned a little, and your secondary is burned a lot. And a big part of the reason for that is that you’ve got people around you expecting you to use a Snake model all the time, and you *do* have one, you do. But it feels heavy to you right now. You don’t hate it, but you’d rather use Rapid-Fire or maybe Actor Bird. And that might be feeding into the general Anti-Snake sentiment I’m seeing here.

[neurotic-crackhead-trash-panda]

Cold and Alone, Laying in My Own Sweat

when the pandemic hit I had the absolutely brilliant idea to have my girlfriend at the time move in.  She was in a real tough situation at home and we’re both adults despite still living with our parents and my mom didn’t mind having her around so why not.  One thing led to another and we were out on our own, not permanently but house sitting for a family friend, and I got so used to just skin on skin, every night, for a year.  The same person I had come to know and love over the course of a year and change, but of course as time passes things rot, and the sweetest of things always attracts flies, decay, disgust.  I find that disgust in myself sometimes, especially now as I lay in my old bed in my childhood home, alone with too much space.  I’ve always been oddly specific about temperature, my body’s just really sensitive generally because I’m shit at taking care of myself but that’s besides the point.  I sleep fine once I’m asleep, but getting comfortable is beyond difficult because I always need some very precise amount of coverage or I’ll overheat and wake up in my own sweat.  Tonight was one of those nights, I smoked before midnight and knocked out around 1, woke up around two because of a loud noise outside and felt my back was wet and the sheet under me were damp.  I tried snuggling into the pillow I use to simulate someone there with me, and the weed made me especially focused on how it really almost felt like a leg was wrapped between mine, but my stomach was cold.  The fire in my belly burnt out and the coals dying as the lose heat to the freezing snow now gathering in my mind,  Thoughts becoming fluttery as and bracing, struggling to keep my eyes open as I feel the ac blowing in my face, I could’ve sworn I was trekking across Siberia.  Recently I’ve been writing more to try and vent due to all the personal isolation, living pretty much alone in a decent size home that once was a warzone, but at least there was family.  Now all I can tell you about this place is the how dusty the cold tiles under my feet remind me of walking through snow.  Anyway, I spent a few minutes just typing to my heart’s content (seems that didn’t quite work by account of the word count here) and if you’ve gotten this far you might as well read some more senseless over indulgent crap, so thanks for reading and I hope you like what you see . . . if its all just a farce nought but shit ffrom an arse then make it an art don't make it a dream, those you'll always forget and don't pass up your passions and live in regret but fulfill your soul, die sans spiritual debts find you a muse whose home's in the stars who shares with you their soul, y'know vibes in the car putting on tunes grabbing green from a jar but this too shall pass, just a blip, random noise remember the key is to always stay poised and maintain contentment, only then search for joy thanks again, come again, and have a nice time while you can

[littlemisslol-fic]

Varigo week continues!!! @alistairwrites these prompts are so fun omg

Day Two: First Kiss 😘😘

They said that if you wanted a favor, you could always go ask the Witch of the Iron Wood.

 Varian’s sure it’s bullshit, of course it is. Witches aren’t real- the only magic that he’s ever come across is from artifacts and space rocks; things that, no matter how you looked at it, are already goddamn weird to start with. Magic is just a type of power they have yet to harness, something celestial and ancient- but within the parameters of science.

 He’s never believed the rumours, that if you went to the woods bordering Corona and the Iron Kingdom and walked so deep into the woods you risked getting lost, you might come across the esteemed witch. For a price, they said, the witch would grant you a single wish and be done with you. Your debt would be paid, and you’d wake up in your own bed without a clue as to how you got there, with your wish fulfilled. Varian’s never believed it, never wanted to believe it- he’s a man of science, damn it, and he’ll stick to science, thank you very much.

 But…

 Then his dad had gotten sick.

 Something in Quirin’s lungs- potentially too many cold mornings working in the field, maybe too long trapped in the amber, or perhaps just a stroke of bad luck- had festered and eaten away at him, leaving the man nearly bedridden in a matter of weeks. Varian, only twenty, had been forced to listen as the doctor recommended that Quirin start writing an airtight will, just in case, to assure that Varian would be taken care of in case… in case Quirin didn’t make it.

 Varian had worked himself into a tizzy, refusing to leave his father’s side, brewing medicine and other alchemical solutions in an attempt to find a cure, a fix-it, something, anything, to save his father. But nothing had worked, and Varian was at his wits end.

 So when someone had spoken of their own failed trek to find the witch, Varian- desperate as he was- had packed a bag and started running.

 It was a long shot, longer than he liked to think, but if there was even a semblance of a chance that this Witch of the Iron Wood could help his father… then Varian was willing to try. So he’d packed a bag, left his father in the competent care of Old Corona’s best physician, and had started the three-day trek to the Iron Wood.

 The forest was ancient, and it wore its years well. Grand trees stood nearly thirty meters tall, gnarled and drooping with ivy and vines, covered every inch of the woods in a way that suffocated light and sound. Standing at the threshold Varian had nearly turned back- what good was he to his father if he ended up lost in the woods… or dead?- but the memory of Quirin’s pale face and limp chest spurred him forwards, allowing the woods to swallow him whole.

 He’d wandered for a two days, tripping over twisted roots and sleeping in trees to keep himself away from curious wildlife. It’s on the third day, when Varian’s well and truly lost, that he stumbles upon the cabin. It’s plain, humble. well kept but obviously old in the way the creeping ivy had grown close around the building, digging deep into the stone over the course of years.

 It's set in a small clearing, surrounded by a lush garden of herbs and plants Varian has no name for- he’s never been one for the apothecary side of the sciences- and a prim, well built fence. It’s a modest cabin, made of cobblestone and thick wooden timbers, with a single chimney merrily spitting a small plume of smoke. The windows are large, and Varian can catch sight of rows of plants poking out from under the curtains inside.

 The cabin is warm, inviting.

 Suspicious.

 Varian approaches with caution, walking forwards with a tenseness to his shoulders. He can’t be sure if this the cabin, or just a cabin, but it’s best to approach as if it were a trap- better to be wrong and look strange, than be too casual and end up dead. Birdsong rings through the calm clearing; sunlight beams down in shining pillars that sets the grass aglow. He doesn’t trust it for a second.

 There’s a little stone path that leads up to the front door. Varian follows it with a measured step, ignoring the happy little bees that gently float between the flowers. For all he knows, this is a trap. The Witch of the Iron Wood could be a con artist, a thief, hell, even an actual witch who wasn’t super into the idea of helping people so much as sacrificing them for weird witch-spells.

 Magic bullshit. Can’t be too careful.

 Still, Varian wasn’t raised in a barn; when he reaches the oak front door he still knocks like a normal person, and waits for an answer. It doesn’t come. Curiously, he raises his hand to knock against the old door again, only for the door to swing wide open by itself with a long, drawn out creak of old hinges.

 “Oh, that’s creepy.” Varian mutters to himself, peeking into the dark interior of the cabin beyond. “Super creepy.”

 He peeks behind himself, looking back down the path with a grimace. He could just turn around, go home… but then what if Quirin wasn’t improving? What if he was worse, and Varian had turned away from an option to save him because he was scared? Varian’s hands clench at the thought, so tightly he can feel his nails through his gloves. He turns back around and gazes into the darkness in front of him.

 Teeth grit, Varian walks forwards into the cabin.

 The interior of the building is just as well maintained as the exterior. The room Varian steps into is a great room of some sort, a larger space with a small kitchen pushed to the side and a series of mismatched, but well loved, couches and chairs surrounding a large fireplace in the very center of the room. Hanging above the fireplace is a large cauldron, filled to the brim with a smoking, bright purple concoction. The light from outside filters through the wall of plants Varian had noticed while outside, keeping the interior relatively dark.

 “This place just keeps getting creepier,” Varian grumbles into the empty air, approaching the cauldron with hesitant steps.

 “Well, thank you, I built it myself.” Comes a snarky voice from behind, startling Varian into flinging himself forwards, hiding behind the cast iron cauldron. For a brief second, he considers making a break for the door-

 Which slams shut of its own accord.

 Perfect.

 Varian risks a peek up and over the edge of the cauldron, the steam hazing his vision over as he crouches on the floorboards. Before him stands a blond man, looking at Varian with an expectant expression. It tugs at his pale face in an attractive way, tilts his glasses askew in a way that compliments the choppy blond hair and pony tail the taller boy sports. He’s dressed in green, a similar shade to his honestly stunning eyes and-

 Wow. Wow okay time to tone that down.

 Varian peeks over the lip of the cauldron a little more, sizing the taller man up. The other stands between Varian and the door, he’d have to get around him to get out-

 “So, what is it that you want?” The blond asks, and Varian realizes how out of place he is.

 “I- sorry!” Varian crows, stepping back from the cauldron as if it’d burnt him. “Sorry, the door was open, and I’m actually looking for someone that lives out here, and-”

 “Listen.” Blondie cuts him off. “I know that you’re here to ask your favour, so. What is it? Gold, immortality, love? I don’t have all day, spit it out.”

 “I-”

 “Wait, no, I bet you I can guess. You look like a nerd, something to do with fame? Glory?”

 “No!”

 Blondie raises a brow. There’s a brief second of pause, before Varian finally fully creeps out from behind the cauldron. He takes a breath. For dad, he thinks.

 “My name is Varian,” He starts. The blond man raises a brow, looking rather confused to be given a name. “What’s yours?”

 “H-Hugo.” The blond stutters a bit, like he wasn’t ready to be asked that. Varian smiles.

 “Hugo,” He repeats. “Nice to meet you. Are you the one everyone’s been calling a witch?”

 “Sure am.” Hugo replies, taking a step forward. Varian feels his face light up, even as he’s passed by in lieu of the cauldron. Hugo begins to stir the liquid, looking at it judgementally. He twists around towards one of the plants on the windowsill, plucking a leaf off it and tossing it in. The mixture goes a shade of green, not unlike pea soup.

 “Great!” Varian chirps, “I was wondering if you’d be able to help me?”

 “Yeah, your wish, right?” Hugo mutters, “That’s all anyone ever cares about. So what is it you want?”

 “I- that’s a little sad.” Varian says, “No one ever just visits you?”

 “Nope,” Hugo says, popping the p. “And neither did you, so spit it out.”

 “My… my father is sick.” Varian finally says, looking to the floor. “I’ve tried everything I can think of to help him get better, but nothing works.”

 Hugo pauses in his stirring, looking back to Varian with a calculating look. “You realize you could ask for anything, right?” He says, “Eternal life, endless fortune, riches beyond your wildest dreams.”

 “I didn’t think that was real.” Varian replies, frankly. “I thought you would just be a skilled healer. That’s all I was looking for.”

 “Just medicine.” Hugo says, as if he thinks it’s a joke. His face twists into something confused when Varian nods.

 “Just medicine.” The shorter of them says with conviction. “Nothing else. Whatever your price is, I’ll pay it; I just want my father to be well again.”

 Hugo looks to Varian like he’s grown a second head. Varian looks at him with a schooled expression, choking back the anxiety boiling in his gut. If this didn’t work, if this Hugo couldn’t help him, then Quirin would surely not have long left-

 “Fine.” Hugo says, “I think that’s a stupid wish, but who am I to stop you from throwing it away?”

 Varian’s expression must do something stupid, because Hugo laughs. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” He mutters, reaching forwards towards Varian with a grin. The shorter of them feels his face heat up in a blush, going red at their sudden closeness, but winces when Hugo reaches up and tugs a single strand of hair from his hair.

 “Ow,” Varian whines, rubbing at the spot the hair had been tugged from. “Why’d you do that?”

 “Ingredients.” Hugo chides, “And unless you’re going to stop asking stupid questions, you can go wait outside.”

 Varian pauses at that, quietly taking a seat on one of the chairs. Hugo looks at him with another questioning expression, but eventually the blond shrugs. “Suit yourself.” He mutters, and goes back to his work.

 Varian watches with rapt attention as herbs and other ingredients get tossed into the cauldron in precise amounts, the mixture going every colour of the rainbow over the next hour. Hugo works quickly, focused on his… potion? Elixir? Varian’s not sure what to call it actually. While Varian keeps from asking questions, that doesn’t stop him from watching with a keen eye as the mixture continues to bubble. After an hour, it eventually turns a rather pleasant shade of lilac purple and stops smoking. Hugo looks smug about it, so Varian assumes the mixture must be finished.

 Hugo takes a small pipette from a nearby shelf of strange looking glass instruments- Varian would kill to be able to know what they all did, though Hugo doesn’t seem apt to share- and uses the tool to transfer some of the mixture into a small, glass vial. He does this three more times, making a total of four, before placing them into a small bag.

 “And done.” Hugo says, more to himself than to Varian. He twists around with a smarmy grin, holding the bag out. Varian looks at it with a sense of wonderous apprehension, reaching out a hand but stopping himself before he can touch the crushed red velvet. He stands from the couch, pursing his lips.

 “What’s the trade?” He asks without malice, but with a hefty amount of suspicion. Hugo’s smile draws wider, and Varian brings his hand fully back to his chest. Always a catch, with magic, something cynical in him groans, absolute bullshit.

 “Well,” Hugo muses, “There’s always things that I need from around, though to be honest I’m pretty stocked up on anything I could want.”

 “Surely there’s something?” Varian says with a hint of panic- Hugo wouldn’t make the stupid potion only to refuse to trade Varian for it, right? The previous anxiety rears its head again; stupid magic, honestly, always being so contrived.

 “There is one thing,” Hugo muses, eyes trailing on Varian’s face. The shorter man feels himself blush again as Hugo steps close, cupping his chin in a way that feels scarily intimate for someone he’s only just met. “One, tiny thing…” Hugo says, trailing off. Varian can’t help but feel a little thrill, pressing closer, unconsciously, to the extremely attractive man in front of him.

 “Anything.” Varian says with a small grin of his own, having half an idea of where Hugo might be going with this from the way the blond’s gaze lingers on Varian’s own lips. He’s not against it, not at all; Varian’s not the type, usually, but something about the blond in front of him draws him in. Hugo’s smile widens at the permission, leaning forwards.

 It’s a chaste kiss, a little too soft and sweet for strangers, but one that Varian can say he enjoys. He’s never been kissed before, but if this is what it’s like- the smooth press of lips against his own, the soft feeling of a body pressed up against his front- suddenly all those romantic ballads make a lot more sense.

 Varian’s eyes slip closed, barely registering as the bag is slipped into his hands. After what could be hours, or merely seconds, Hugo pulls back. Varian keeps his eyes closed, hoping to entice the blond to come back and kiss him again.

 “Have your father drink that twice a day, every twelve hours.” Hugo says, his tone somewhat sad. When Varian opens his eyes again, he is standing in his bedroom, alone. He brings up a dazed hand to lightly touch at his lips, blinking in shock.

 The sudden silence rings in his ears.  

 BANNER

 “Well, Olivia.” Hugo says to his beloved pet, “Another few hours to go, and then we’ll break for dinner.”

 He’s out in his garden, weeding. Nimble, long fingers deftly pull undesirable plants from his herbs, tossing them into a nearby pile. Oliva, small little mouse that she is, does her own work of yanking out the smaller plants, working on her own pile. Hugo smiles as she chirps her assent at his idea, plopping a rogue dandelion on her pile with a squeak.

 It had been nearly a week since Varian had come to ask for his favour from Hugo- the blond couldn’t help but miss his company, to be honest. After the few hours they’d spent together, Hugo found himself to be a little enamoured. Hugo’s had dealt with every thrill seeker in the book, those who came to his cabin demanding fame, or glory, or riches, but he’d yet to encounter someone who had been so willing to make the dangerous walk to Hugo’s home for the sake of a family member. Varian had asked his name before asking for his help, had commented that it was sad that no one visited him. He’d been… genuine. Nice. Treated Hugo’s skills like they were less something to be demanded, and more like a gift to be asked for. He had been sweet, and it made something in Hugo bitter.

 It was a lonely life, out in the woods, but a peaceful one. Hugo was willing to live alone if it meant he was mostly left to his own devices, though times like when Varian had arrived, he couldn’t help but feel the sting of the isolation creeping in. Perhaps that was why he’d asked for the kiss, though now Hugo felt rather stupid about it. What else could he have asked from Varian? Something more useful for sure. Supplies, food, anything really to save him a walk. But instead his stupid brain had seen a pretty boy and gone totally blank. Hugo can’t help but be a little concerned at that- if he started giving things out for free, he’d surely be in trouble when winter rolled around. 

 Oliva squeaked again, this time something that sounded concerned. Hugo looked up from his plot of dirt to see her rush over to him, the little mouse scrambling up his shirt to perch on his shoulder. He looked up to where she had come from, seeing a familiar figure standing on the edge of the grove.

 “Hi, Hugo!” Varian said with a grin, holding up a small basket. “I was wondering if you wanted some company?”

 Hugo… short circuits. “What?” He asks dumbly as Varian walks towards him. The shorter man pauses at the gate, his face asking to be let in. Hugo nods, still stunned as Varian- Varian had come back????- lets himself in and strides over to Hugo with a smile.

 “Well, you said no one ever came to visit.” Varian said softly, “So I thought I’d change that.”

 “You… don’t want anything?” Hugo asks, struck stupid.

 “Well, I mean, I want to talk to you.” Varian flushes, biting at his lip. “And I wanted to thank you. And so does my dad! He helped me make this for you.” Varian shoves the basket at Hugo with a sudden motion, as if embarrassed to have it now that he’s dragged it all the way here.

 “He’s doing better, then?” Hugo says, taking the basket without thinking. It’s got some weight to it. A peek under the lid shows about four loaves of fresh bread, tucked away and kept good by a thick towel.

 “Much, thank you.” Varian says earnestly, “He was up and walking the day after I came to see you.”

 “That’s good.” Hugo muses, lost in thought. No one had ever come back to see him after they’d gotten their wish, let alone to thank him and bring him another gift.

 Varian nods with a smile, one that’s bright and happier than the one he’d worn before. Hugo likes it on him. “It’s fantastic.” He breathes, “I owe you more than you could ever know.”

 “Nah, we’re even.” Hugo says, flushing at the memory of Varian’s lips on his. “Your debt’s been paid.”

 “Oh,” Varian says, looking sideways. “Well, I mean, if you’re sure you don’t want to- uh. Again. Never mind.”

 Oh.

 Oh.

 “Hm.” Hugo muses, catching on quick, “Actually, you know, I think something went wrong the first time.” 

 Varian perks up at that, looking to Hugo with a small grin. “Oh?” He asks, “Should we- maybe…”

 “Sorry, goggles.” Hugo shrugs, leaning forwards, “Looks like we’ll need a second payment.”

 “Aw, shucks.” Varian rolls his eyes, leaning forwards with a smirk, “Whatever am I going to do?”

 “Eh, we’ll figure it out. Put you on a repayment plan.” Hugo grins, teasing for just a second more before Varian grabs him by the collar and drags Hugo down into a fiery kiss, their smiles melding together in the quiet of the grove. When they split for air, Varian smiles.

 “I can live with that,” He says, and Hugo can feel the grin splitting his face as he leans back down.

 Their third kiss is the best one yet.

[kevv]

a goodbye letter- abandoning current social media

i'm not the best at writing out my thoughts. forgive me if this feels scrambled and scraped together. my best friend, Fox, once said in abridged words; "it takes two to play out an abandonment fantasy, one to have it, and the other to follow suit".

i've known several handfuls of people who fear abandonment, or more specifically, being the one abandoned; scared that one day everyone in their life will take leave. and sometimes, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, they do. they leave in mass exodus, set into motion by one person who wants to set-forth their own abandonment fantasy– abandoning everyone else.

for me, my own fear of abandonment is not anyone abandoning me, i'm unbothered by people entering my life and leaving of their own accord; i'm scared i'll be the one to abandon everyone in my life. because i have. several times. i still do, even. i'll meet people in my lifetime that i loved harder than the universe itself, a deep love so terrifying i feel that it'll demolish cities and townships, friends and lovers and found-family. my skin will buzz and blaze alight with such an intense fear, a fear that i will ruin them and everything they are so i must run. it's unfounded, but it drives me away, and i fight tooth and nail to get to that escape route for those who won't let me leave quietly, until it ends in disaster. it's my own abandonment fantasy. i recall once, an ex-lover wanted me to stay. tried to lock the door and toss away the key, and said it hurt that i wanted an out. so i caused problems until i could break out through the window. not being allowed an option to leave made me feel like a feral, caged animal; because in the end, that's all i am. i hadn't done it on purpose. the need to escape everything had been there months prior. the events leading up to it had been fuzzy at best, sickly at worst, and i had been spoonfed misinformation. not on purpose, not in malicious intent, but still it struck genuine fear in my heart. like a feral animal, i want the option to roam. to come and go as i please. i can't be kept, i just want the trust that i'll find my way back eventually. if i feel contained, i scratch and bite until i'm released. but if you hold out your hand and wait patiently, i'll come to you. but don't ask me to stay. please don't ask me to stay. there's a lot that lead up to this current migration. the inability to be allowed to stand on my own two-feet and exist as just purely Kevin, not adjacent to someone, was a big one. still to this day i am asked about a youtuber i am no longer affiliated with by my own choice. i don't like attention, it's something i've said to her, said to many, and why i chose to never appear in her videos. which seems contradictory for an artist who posts on social media and previously did all of her older channel art. but maybe now i'm realizing that truthfully, i wanted recognition for me, not for others or for who i made myself sick in order to create content for. it's inescapable. i harbor no hard feelings anymore, i understand i was in the peak of my codependency and was willing to ruin myself for the benefit of another. to run myself broke and dry because at 19 years old i was still a child who didn't know how to handle the extent of his emotions. i want to apologize to penny. neither of us are really blameless, but we were inexperienced and young– still young. it's easy to not know what we're doing, to unintentionally take advantage of someone who was willing to burn themselves to give you warmth, or to latch onto an unfounded rumor and bare my teeth. i hope you're doing well, and i'm sorry. i'd like to give you a proper apology one day, when i'm more ready. that day is not today. sometimes i feel like there are four people living inside my brain, all with dissenting opinions and voices that i can't tell who i am anymore. i feel like i'm constantly contradicting myself because i don't know what my own thoughts are. i don't know who i am anymore. i don't know who i am anymore because i'm several different people all trying to be "kevin", all with different beliefs that go against a previous one. i prematurely deleted my twitter account for this reason, i couldn't stand a second more of being in a toxicity cycle i had previously taken part in, because sometimes that's all social media is. it's very... Online. i want to be one, unified person. whose thoughts and feelings are unadulterated by others surrounding him. additionally, there's the elephant in the room. some have already guessed it, suspected it, saw something like it coming from miles away. but for others who have known me for the past decade, it might be a surprise. someone once told me that words have power, and while at the time i disagreed, i'm starting to understand what she meant now. i've been afraid to speak it into existence, because it means it's real, and coming to terms with this unavoidable truth is a terrifying experience, one i need to face and stop running away from. 

i'm detransitioning. giving life to this phrase doesn't make me feel any better. words have power, and that power is to make me crumble and break. since as early as 4 years old, i felt as if i was born a boy who was just being raised as a girl. at 12 was when i learned about and started identifying as transgender. at 18 i legally changed my name. for a decade, i lived as a transgender man. i've mentioned this before, but i'm intersex. i have an androgen insensitivity syndrome. what this means is that androgens, male sex hormones, have no effect on me. they instantly are reconverted back into estrogen by my body. this has been a reoccurring nightmare of mine since i was 14, and having it become my reality is.. heartbreaking, to say the least, crushing a lifetime of dreams and wishes. i've tried testosterone, self-medicated in my teen years, and "officially" more recently. it has no effect on me. a friend of mine says i shouldn't give up hope until i properly see an endocrinologist about HRT, but the reality is– i know my body, and i know my condition. i don't grow body hair, and my body cannot masculinize. these are unavoidable truths. i don't need to spend hundreds of dollars to be told what i already know. HRT will not affect me; i will never be able to transition. any attempt will become a scientific study in which i'm a guinea pig. i don't want that. i will never pass for male. my voice is high, my body is undoubtably female, my face is feminine, and i'm 4'11". it's disheartening and i've shed many tears over it. for what feels like my whole life, i've longed for SRS/GRS, top surgery, a deeper voice, and a couple inches of height. i ache for body hair, masculine fat redistribution, and male pattern baldness. all the good and the bad associated with testosterone is what i so desperately yearn for with such a soul-crushing depravity. i am genuinely heartbroken. maybe it's my punishment for all the bad things i've believed in or done. it's what i'd deserve, i guess. this punishment. it is for those reasons that i feel like i can no longer find comfort in identifying as ftm, to struggle seeing myself as a man. it's crazy, i've referred to myself as male since early childhood, and now that i'm coming to terms with my intersex condition am i feeling wrong in every conceivably way of identity. truthfully, i don't even identify as anything anymore. i'm not nonbinary, cis, or i guess trans. i feel as if i just exist. i just am. you can still call me kevin. it's my name, my legal name– which i love to point out. i'm not changing it. it's the first time i made a decision purely for myself, and went through with it. i love my name. i don't think i will love anything about myself quite like my name. i chose it when i was 12, it was my first choice. i never wanted another name. i still don't. but i like nicknames, particularly kitty and K-K. you can call me those too. these have always been options available. i reiterate– i really like being called nicknames. (: you can still use male pronouns for me. i never minded being "misgendered" because, well, i never passed, and i made peace with that years and years ago. while being called she/her or otherwise will probably always leave a stale taste in my mouth, i've learned to accept the reality of what i am a long time ago. biologically female. you can still use male identifiers for me, like husband or boyfriend or whatever other male terms there are...... actually you'll have to pry those out of my cold dead hands. i will not accept being called a "girlfriend" i will literally go feral and foam at the mouth and bite your ankles until you take it back. there's comfort in these things that i'm not ready to let go of, and frankly, i don't think i'll ever feel ready to. moving forward, i don't really know what i'm going to do. right now i'm taking a break from the internet, so i can soul-search and truly find myself, in all senses of the word and every iteration that it can be built upon. i'll make a new twitter account when i'm ready to, probably. there's a lot more i want to say, to add onto this in addendum, and pour so much of myself into this until it spills out the sides and trickles down into tiny cracks. but truthfully, i don't know how to say it. i don't know its relevancy to this eulogy of an account, and quite honestly, there are still some things i can't find myself able to say. to speak into existence. to give power to those words. admitting aloud to a 6-year long love that burnt like candles catching a home on fire was intense enough (hi Charlotte it's you, it's you and it's always been you and everyone knows this). so maybe i'd rather keep some things to myself, perhaps. preferably. so i guess that's it. i've bared my heart and soul and skin and bones to whoever will read this piece of myself. it's the end to katidoj, one that's been a longtime coming. i've never been very good at staying in one place for very long. please take care, i love you. and i'll miss you. a piece of my heart left with you, here buried deep in this account. (pressing the submit button has never been so hard in my life.)

[olivcrfm]

oliver & margo’s playlist @ofmargos IN THE PRESENT WITH YOU.

I’m sitting on the balcony of my college dorm, and I see her. She’s carrying a heavy box, but she has the biggest dorky smile on her face. I wasn’t sure if I was in love with her before, but I am now.

campus by vampire weekend --- “i wake up my shoulders cold i've got to leave here before i go i pull my shirt on walk out the door drag my feet along the floor i pull my shirt on walk out the door drag my feet along the floor then i see you you're walking cross the campus cruel professor studying romances how am i supposed to pretend i never want to see you again? how am i supposed to pretend i never want to see you again?”

diane young by vampire weekend --- “nobody knows what the future holds on said it's bad enough just getting old live my life, they say it's too fast you know i love the past, 'cause i hate suspense if diane young won't change your mind baby baby baby baby right on time.”

nancy from now on by father john misty --- “ooh, flowers and bows milk and honey flow just a couple states below ooh oh, hook me up to the tank and roll me to the door i'm going where my body leads me i can fend for myself with what looks i have left i'll put away a few and pretty soon i'll be breaking things i have of you.”

take a walk by passion pit --- “all these kinds of places make it seem like it's been ages tomorrow's sun with buildings scrape the sky i love this country dearly i can feel the lighter clearly but never thought i'd be alone to try.”

mykonos by fleet foxes --- “the door slammed loud and rose up a cloud of dust on us footsteps follow, down through the hollow sound, torn up and you will go to mykonos with a vision of a gentle coast and a sun to maybe dissipate shadows of the mess you made.”

down in the valley by the head and the heart --- “call it one drink too many call it pride of a man but it don't make no difference if you sit or you stand 'cause they both end in trouble and start with a grin yeah they both end in trouble and start with a grin we do it over and over and over again.”

the girl by city and colour --- “i wish i could do better by you 'cause that's what you deserve you sacrifice so much of your life in order for this to work while i'm off chasing my own dreams sailing around the world please, know that i'm yours to keep my beautiful girl when you cry a piece of my heart dies knowing that i may have been the cause if you were to leave, fulfill someone else's dreams i think i might totally be lost you don't ask for no diamond rings no delicate string of pearls that's why i wrote this song to sing my beautiful girl.”

all i want by passion pit --- “all i want are hooks to hang your flowers from and paper to write letters on 'cause you're all i ever have, it's all i'll ever have when we wake up you engulf me in your love waking up is always still, it's all i'll ever have, it's all i'll ever have and all you need is someone new she's what you can't see the things you think you'll never be that's all i'll ever have, it's all i'll ever have i get the notion that i'm almost there i get the notion that we're getting closer and with one motion it could all go wrong if i'm emotional it'll ruin it all.”

she moves in her own way by the kooks --- “so at my show on monday i was hoping someday you'd be on your way to better things it's not about your make-up or how you try to shape up to these tiresome paper dreams paper dreams honey so now you pour your heart out you're telling me you're far out not about to lie down for your cause but you don't pull my strings 'cause i'm a better man moving on to better things well, uh-oh, oh, i love her because she moves in her own way well, uh-oh, oh, she came to my show just to hear about my day.”

first day of my life by bright eyes --- “this is the first day of my life swear i was born right in the doorway i went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed they're spreading blankets on the beach yours was the first face that i saw i think i was blind before i met you and i don't know where i am, i don't know where i've been but i know where i want to go and so i'd thought i'd let you know yeah, these things take forever, i especially am slow but i realized that need you and i wondered if i could come home.”

green eyes by coldplay --- “honey you are a rock upon which i stand and i come here to talk i hope you understand that green eyes yeah the spotlight, shines upon you and how could anybody deny you i came here with a load and it feels so much lighter now i met you and honey you should know that i could never go on without you green eyes honey you are the sea upon which i float and i came here to talk i think you should know that green eyes you're the one that i wanted to find and anyone who tried to deny you must be out of their mind.”

40 day dream by edward sharpe --- “i been sleepin' for 40 days and i know i'm sleeping 'cause this dream's too amazin' she got gold doorknobs where her eyes used to be one turn and i learned what it really means to see ah, it's the magical mystery kind ah, must be a lie bye bye to the too good to be true kind of love oh, i could die oh now i can die oh i've been sleepin' for 60 days and nobody better pinch me bitch i swear i'll go crazy she got jumper cable lips she got sunset on her breath now i inhaled just a little bit now i got no fear of death now.”

when my time comes by dawes --- “so i pointed my fingers and shouted few quotes i knew, as if something that's written should be taken as true. but every path i had taken and conclusion i drew would put truth back under the knife. and now the only piece of advice that continues to help is anyone that's making anything new only breaks something else.”

where are you now by mumford & sons --- “it came to the end it seems you had heard. as we walked the city streets, you never said a word. when we finally sat down your eyes were full of spite. i was desperate, i was weak i could not put up a fight. but where are you now? where are you now? do you ever think of me in the quiet, in the crowd?”

ho hey by the lumineers --- “i belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart i belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart love we, need it now let's hope, for some 'cause oh, we're bleedin' out.”

m79 by vampire weekend --- “it's gonna take a little time while you're waiting like a factory line i'll ride across the park backseat on the 79 wasted days you've come to pass so go, i know you would not stay it wasn't true, but anyway pollination, yellow cab.”

giving up the gun by vampire weekend --- “your sword's grown old and rusty burnt beneath the rising sun it's locked up like a trophy forgetting all the things it's done  and though it's been a long time you're right back where you started from i see it in your eyes that now you're giving up the gun.”

ends of the earth by lord huron --- “out there's a land that time don't command wanna be the first to arrive no time for ponderin' why i'm-a wanderin' not while we're both still alive to the ends of the earth, would you follow me there's a world that was meant for our eyes to see to the ends of the earth, would you follow me if you will have a say my goodbyes to me.”

all the pretty girls by kaleo --- “all alone, alone again no one lends a helping hand i have waited, i have waited takes it's toll, my foolish pride how long before i see the light i have waited, i have waited for you to lay me down.”

there she goes by the la's --- “there she goes there she goes again racing through my brain and i just can't contain this feeling that remains there she blows there she blows again pulsing through my veins and i just can't contain this feeling that remains.”

simple as this by james bugg --- “tried absolution of the mind and soul it only led me where i should not go oh and the answer well, how could i miss something as simple as this? something as simple as this? i've been falling crashing breaking and all the while you were stood here waiting for me girl.”

falling slowly by glen hansard --- “i don't know you but i want you all the more for that words fall through me and always fool me and i can't react and games that never amount to more than they're meant will play themselves out take this sinking boat and point it home we've still got time raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice you'll make it now falling slowly, eyes that know me and i can't go back and moods that take me and erase me and i'm painted black well, you have suffered enough and warred with yourself it's time that you won.”

[hellobengski]

In Another World: Japan 2019

Maybe to love is to learn – and learning Japan for quite some time is just beautiful with all its chaotic yet fulfilling desire at heart.

December is the season for family and friends and having to spend it another country again is different – a very memorable one. It is such a good grace of embracing new culture from a 5 hour trip  away from home – living a temporary life, what it’s like to live in a world where everything seemed to be provided. The place itself is an art, where you can experience the calmness of the streets although I had to enjoy the freezing weather in which I was forced to wear almost four layers of clothing, including multiple heat packs to keep us going along the way. Nevertheless, Japan has its own way of welcoming you to the best possible ways it could offer, making exceptional memories of more than a dream.

Japan is in the top of my bucket list yet the very least to make it happen when I was younger. Given that it’s expensive, it requires you to apply for visa in which chosen people are only given the opportunity to process it. Maybe timing wasn’t for us then hence watching anime films was an alternative way to feel it. Japanese characters itself with perfectly triangular shaped faces used to be my hidden desire, like there’s something mystical about their personalities. And maybe timing could be right too. It could be right when the High Power allows you – specifically when you’re ready.

I have no idea what to hate in a place where it appears to be perfect. Utopia, as what they say. I went with a group of twenty people with various ages and personalities so there were two things that needed to be considered in this trip; to conform and to be patient. I have watched some documentaries, travel vlogs, and even movies like Hachiko to prepare myself with an expectant heart.

From there, I know Japan would lead us to wander and be lost.

Upon arriving in Japan, our group was picked up by huge sized black colored van including drivers who were definitely dressed well with their coat and tuxedo. We were late. And there is something wrong with that. It’s a bad Impression for Japanese people to be late since time is valuable – unless you have reasonable excuses. The tension was starting to fire up so I decided to apologise. The family did too. During the one-hour travel from Narita Airport to the first place where we stayed, I was mesmerized. The overwhelming emotions from visual presentations turned into reality. Maybe this is love, like seeing a person for the first time letting your head turn into 360.

Fallen leaves, chirping crows, and whistling of the winds. So this is winter – I have never felt this in my life. It surprised me as I was enjoying the giant automatic buildings. We toured several of Tokyo’s places, all of which had their own unique culture.

I experienced the towering skyscrapers and offices of Shinjuku and the shopping and pop culture of Harajuku. I learned how diverse Tokyo was: three blocks from the Tokyo Skytree, an observation tower that symbolizes Japan’s cutting-edge technology; Asakusa, an ancient Buddhist shrine where people prayed under enormous red lanterns and burnt incense for their ancestors. I noticed that this dramatic juxtaposition between the old and the new is what most characterized Japan: pop culture and technology contrasted yet blended with traditional customs and culture. While polar opposites of each other, these two aspects of Japan coexisted in perfect harmony. I believe that harmony sends an important message: you do not need to disregard the old in order to embrace the new. It is possible to honor and accept both.

And the bikes were electronic. I grew up learning how to ride a bike but never got the chance to do it in Japan. Maybe if I was just a solo traveler, I could use it to explore the clean roads.

Every train is a safe space.

With Haruki Murakami’s novel Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage, fragments of imagination have conveyed my emotions to become a fan of train stations. I have seen some parts of myself through Tsukuru, how darkness made him feel as an empty person, lacking in color and identity. He was real to me. From millions of people that passed through me, he could’ve been there. That’s when I started to love the train stations even more.

They are always on time– and of course, a delay of even just one minute will result in profuse apologies from the conductor. Train stations are always staffed with employees who are ready to answer your questions and do so very well. Though we weren’t able to ride city buses, I believe they’re also great though I wasn’t sure if we can pay their fares with the same card we used to ride the train.

I have seen people coming in and out of the trains, like every person has its own story of why they needed to ride the train. On Tuesday, I remember some old man trying to stop his son from crying. On Friday night, I smelled ginger flavored beer from Japanese employees who just got off from work from Shibuya station. I liked the smell, it didn’t make me feel that I was in danger. Probably weekends are for Filipinos, like Saturday, who came all the way from Grandberry mall outlet to purchase almost half price of some original brands that are dying for.

It is just solely convenient. There were convenience stores that are open 24 hours a day and you can simply find one just about anywhere. We found some food, basic toiletry items and magazines. Another thing that’s a go-to in Japan is the vending machines. Vending machines are even more common than convenience stores, and you can find one by just walking a block or two. Most of them just sell drinks like water, coffee, tea, juice and soda. They’re usually quite cheap (100 yen at the cheapest), and you can get them hot in the winter or cold in the summer.

I personally bought drinks from vending machines��almost all the time and they were worth it. And the food, oh the food. Japanese don’t have the highest life expectancy in the world for no reason. Never in my life have I tasted the best apple pie in the world until Japan let me. From its first bite down to last, it was beyond my ultimatum. No words could express it.

Even so with Ramen after a whole exhausting day, the warm soup with its perfect texture of noodles satisfied us. I believe that every food regardless if it’s in the streets or in a luxurious restaurant was served with love. They would want to make you feel like you deserve to be well treated with a quality of food that they could offer you.

Some things in life are too complicated to explain in any language but in Japan, it has brought me to both --- tranquility and complexity. The demeanor of place demanded me to breathe. It gave me the power of wanting to be alone, looking back to nostalgic feelings that I felt and decisions I have made in my life.

Until another Utopian world took me to the fun and excitement part --- Tokyo’s Disneysea, the most brilliant story world’s ever created: a living ode to Walt Disney’s love for storytelling, world-building, and lovable characters. You see, Disney isn’t just made of Story Worlds – it’s also a story world in itself, and its star is Mickey remains the most iconic character ever drawn. Mickey belongs exclusively to the world of Disney; his presence invokes the idea that all of these smaller story worlds are part of something bigger, something uniquely magical. Mickey Mouse is the linchpin to the whole operation. He’s the reminder that Disneyland is more than the sum of its parts – it’s an experience unto itself.

Ultimately, the story of Disney sea is the story of my visit. My presence with my family defines the day; we get to pick rides and shows. Disney Park will always be an “open world,” where you explore, collect things, and meet characters in whatever sequence you choose.

Until sooner I realized we have one more day left to pack things and luggage. Items that were bought in Japan were already sort out, from gadgets to food, fridge magnets and even branded shoes. My mom had to buy another big trolley to maximize all the stuff so we could all bring home the goodies.

Just before the plane took off from Narita airport, I met an amazing couple from Japan. The lady’s Filipina, Marissa Suzuki, who’s married to a Japanese and been living in Japan for 30 years. The old man, Mr. Nori Suzuki, was 20 years older than her, had 2 children who were left at home. I was sitting from the window seat trying to calm myself from my episodic anxiety. The first thing she asked me was if there’s any book to read while waiting. I told her that there were just couple of magazines but probably wouldn’t satisfy her husband. It was a budget airline. She was hardly putting her bags on the bin until her husband helped her.  And then she sat beside me. They smiled at me like they wanted to know me.

The two hour conversation started.

I felt the joy from their eyes, especially from the Japanese old man as they kept asking my whereabouts. They insisted on buying coffee and oatmeal cookies for me. I wanted to be polite so I smirked. Of course I was very hungry and didn’t eat some breakfast. They even offered wasabi nuts and matcha flavored round shaped sticky bread. I had to appreciate it although I didn’t really like the taste too much.

For once in my life, I tried staring to someone while sharing personal stories. I felt bittersweet from her expressions, how she left our country when her older sister brought her to Japan. It was like she didn’t have choice. She was only 17 back then when she faced the reality. I know she wanted to make me feel what she has been through. I could see through her eyes how she learned to love her husband from the first few years of their relationship.  The difference of the culture and language didn’t really matter to her, instead, she was challenged by it. Mr. Suzuki was quite a storyteller, I was pretty convinced that he loves the Philippines with its warm people and weather. I love his words of wisdom; to treat people equally because we all deserve it; to value time because we all work for it; to give as much as you can because there’s no better feeling than to serve.

Funny how they wanted me to date a Japanese guy, or at least I should’ve met someone in a span of week. I could always go back, but will be definitely choosing a different weather. I admit I didn’t really have good sleep from the entire trip but maybe travels are for people who seek for adventure and stories.

From what I have learned in this trip, through its any lifestyle, people have survived. And we will always be. And those who survive have a duty. Our duty is to do our best to keep on living. Even if our lives are not perfect.

With all my sincerity and respect, in another life, will always go back to you, Japan.

[astrotranslations]

Meeting With K-Pop’s Super Rookie

Where were your dreams when you were a student? I think I changed my dream often. I wanted to be a soccer player then after watching a courtroom drama, a prosecutor. Ah, I wanted to be an announcer once too! Rather than holding onto just one dream, I think it changed a lot of times. I luckily gained a good opportunity and am now holding onto a cool job that is being a singer (laughs).

When did you want to become a singer? To be honest, there’s a dramatic story to how I ended up in this line of work. There are recently a lot of students who are interested in becoming a celebrity. But as they would say now, I had "not a speck" of interest when I was schooling (laughs). I really had none. I did enjoy listening to music and watching music videos but not once did I think of wanting to become a singer, to stand on that kind of stage and sing and dance, to appear on screen. But I happened to receive a casting offer from fantagio (Cha Eunwoo’s current company) by chance. At first, I agreed to a meeting with a light heart. However, the meeting time clashed with when I had to attend my academy so I thought, "Ah, guess I can’t go." But fascinatingly when I went to the academy that day, my teacher asked me, "Dongmin-ah (Cha Eunwoo’s real name), are you not open to casting offers?" So I told him that I actually had a meeting that day but couldn’t go because I had to attend the academy. He then replied, "I’ll adjust the timing so I think going would be a good experience for you. How about going for it?" and I thought, "Then shall I?" So I showed up at the meeting think that I could go for it while at the same time enjoying some good food with my mum in Seoul. Looking about it now, I think it was destiny (laughs). If it weren’t for that teacher then I probably would have been working as something else instead of as a singer. I’m always grateful to him.

What was the most difficult aspect of your trainee days? I was really lucky starting my trainee life through an offer from the company. But when I joined and started training, there were honestly so many who had the triple set of visuals, dance and singing. It crossed my mind a lot of times that, "Ah, this is really not it. It’s not my path…" So I took a break for a about a month. But after resting, I wanted to challenge myself once again. "I’ve to overcome it, I need too," I had that kind of mindset (laughs). So I went through the trainee life again for 4 years and debuted in February the year before last.

When are things hard for you as a singer? The occupation of an idol involves having to live as a group so there are a lot of situations where you have to be considerate of one another and give in. It’s also often that we would end our schedule at dawn or have to be out and about so it’s hard physically and having that pile up leaves you high-strung. We do mind control then and rise above while being considerate of the other. We have to do well. Since it’s our responsibility. As for the other aspects, I feel like I can survive through them if I grit my teeth and enjoy myself.

When is being a singer the most worthwhile? I think creating stages is when it feels the most worth my while. Dancing and constructing a performance is in a way having to make something out of nothing. Whenever the six of us do that, it would seem like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel but then everything comes to fruition and I’d feel really happy. The members and I appeared on 'Immortal Song’ before. Our schedules were really packed to the fullest so we didn’t have a lot of time to prepare. I wanted to show us doing well but I was really worried since we didn’t have much practice time. I also had to practice the piano separately so everyday I would be the last to stay and practiced. But if you’re talking results, all of us had practiced earnestly, choreographed the dance, arranged the song and managed to successfully wrap up the broadcast. It feels the most remunerative during situations like that. I feel revitalised whenever I hear the cheers from our fans or the audience after we’ve finished our stage, as if things were never hard. It also made me think that I can’t already be burnt out when it’s only something this minor. Also, if I read messages of support on the fancafe or look at pictures uploaded on twitter before I head to bed, I can sleep comfortably even though it was a tough day. I realise how good of a job I did in choosing this line of work because of every of these small or major moments.

What is your New Year’s wish that you’d like to fulfil in 2018? There’s something the members and I talked about (laughs). We haven’t won no. 1 yet. I’d like to gift fans visible results next year. At broadcasting stations when the no. 1 is being announced, other singers stand in the back, right? I was really really jealous looking at the singers who won no. 1. The members and I have talked about what it would feel like if our name was the one to be called. So our goal is.. no. 1!

If you had a life’s goal? It applies to everything but I think that you have to enjoy what you’re doing in order for you to realise how precious what you do is. Just enjoying what I’m doing? The members and I each have things we’re sensitive about so I want to put in the effort to make better what I can, to make the more difficult things less exhausting and to give in more. It’s something achievable if I let loose a little, enjoy myself more and have some easy fun. I usually worry a lot and my personality is one that’s afraid of a lot of things so if I hold onto a small goal and work my way, wouldn’t I be able to see through it?

Is there anything you’d like to say or any advice you’d like to give to the high school students who are passionately dreaming? I think you just have to enjoy yourself, have fun and live the moment. The outcome is of course important but if you have fun while you’re at it then I feel like the results will follow after. They’re cliche words but that’s what I’d like to believe. So I hope that you’ll become high school students who always gain strength, who keep your frighting spirits, who will be careful of the cold and not fall sick and who are good to your parents! Fighting! (laughs)

Lastly, is there perhaps anything you think that students should definitely do in their school days? I just hope that you’ll try a lot of things. To be honest, I didn’t get to go on a school trip. So there could actually be more things that you’ve done as compared to me. Just enjoy yourself and rather than thinking that you have to do something, cherish each moment and relish life!

Translations by @99pm​h Take out with full credits

[quaintrelle-on-the-loose]

We are now half way through 2018 and a lot of things happened these past months. A lot of things changed and things haven’t remained the same since i started “adulting.” There are days that I’d just tell myself, “So this is what adulting means ... So this is how it works.”

On Friendship.

This is one aspect in my life that rotated 360 degrees since i started having a job. I am such a clingy person. I wanted to keep in touch and talk to friends a lot. I was always the one who initiate get togethers and hang outs. But recently, it changed. That’s one thing about adulting. You tend to do less because you’ve got such a limited time and you wanted to spend it with things that and with people who matters MOST. I am not saying that my friends don’t matter to me anymore. What I am trying to say is, right now, I just have other things that I prioritize more than going out and spending my time out with friends. I still love going out with friends. I love catching up and having fun with them. But unlike before, when hang outs and meets ups get cancelled, i don’t give too much fuss about it anymore. Before, i get pissed off a lot when things like this happens, but now, i just let it go so easily. And one major thing too is that i aint the one who initiate such meet ups anymore. Sometimes, yes. I still do. But not as often as before. 

Another thing that i realized is that i don’t send long mushy messages and birthday greetings anymore. I am such a sucker for long and cheesy messages. I used to write and send friends such thing. But recently, I just don’t feel like doing it anymore. I’d think about it, decide to do it, and then when I’m already on it, I’d end up just sending a simple message. 

I know that I owe my friends a lot. I know that. And I couldn’t blame them if one day, they’d decide to turn their backs on me. I couldn’t blame them if one day, when i’d decide to return, they wouldn’t be there anymore for me. It’s fine. Trust me, it’s fine. Because right now, with all the things that are happening, and the things that I chose to prioritize, what I need are low-maintenance friendships --- friends who’d understand that I got other things to do and prioritize and who wouldn’t demand a lot of my time and get pissed off of me when I don’t get to go out with them and chill. Friends who’d understand that my world doesn’t revolve around them and who’d let me grow on my own. Friends who’d support me on the things that i want and have to do and understand if i’d rather choose to sleep and rest than go out and drink. To my friends who don’t understand this, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for failing you. You can go. And I’d understand. 

On Love Life. 

I like someone right now, yes. But that’s it. I’d leave it that way and won’t do anything about it. I don’t see us going to a higher level anyways. Why not fight for it and take the risk? Well, as i said before, I’ve already learned to choose my battles. And he isn’t one of them. I am already okay with what we are and what we have now. That’s already fine with me, trust me. Why not look for another? Because I can’t and don’t want to. One thing about me is that when I liked someone in a certain phase in my life, it’s kinda hard for me to move forward and try it with someone else. It would take some time for me to try and like (as in really like) someone else again. It’s either i don’t feel like giving it another shot, or i’m just too lazy to do anything including flirting or something, or maybe because, he isn’t here yet. He hasn’t arrived yet.

I also know that I am not yet ready for this. You see, i can’t even prioritize my friends (especially the long and trusted ones) right now. My social life’s a bit of shaky at the moment. I have so many things that I want and have to do but the time is so limited. It’s actually just recently when I realized that I am not yet prepared for this. I am not yet ready to let someone in my life and give him the time and attention that he deserves. Love life is not yet a priority for me as of this moment. I gotta deal with other things first before i let myself fall in love and be with someone. I have to prepare myself first. And I have to give value to the things that and the people who I have now before giving value to something that I do not have yet. Also, I know that i better prepare myself for this because once i have it, i don’t have the plan of letting it go anymore. Yes, i want it that serious.

On Finance.

I promised myself before that once I started earning my own money, I’d make sure to also start saving up for real. I actually did and accomplish this goal for five months. I had my savings. Yes, had. Past tense. ‘Cause now, my savings fund’s balance is Php 0.00. I thought saving’s easy. I was so proud of myself months ago being able to save up a portion of my monthly pay. But in just a blink of an eye, it all got spent. LOL! IT’S FREAKIN HARD TO SAVE! Haha.

I decided to restart this August. But for the nth time, I failed. Until I decided to just let it be. Because it’s really impossible for me to save right now. I don’t have a lot of whims (uhm, just coffee shops and books and okay i have a few or so i get it). But no, the reason why I let the idea of saving go (for now) is because it’s inevitable to spend and spend and let go of money for a house. We are currently renovating our house and I have to help out with the finances. And it’s fine with me. Really. Being able to help out with the family’s expenses brings me joy. It gives me some sense of fulfillment and accomplishment in a way. And not just out of responsibility but I also want to give back to my parents. That’s why i decided to give up saving for now. 

I also decided to not be too hard on myself. As what Papa also said, I am just starting. It’s fine to not be able to save yet this early. Not until he told me that last night that I realized that I am pressuring myself too much. I even felt guilty for spending for some things that I enjoyed and am so happy about.

At this point, what I’m telling myself is that it’s fine. It’s fine to spend for something that’s necessary. It’s okay to spend for coffee because that’s my way of relaxation. It’s okay to spend for the leisure events and activities. It’s okay to not have savings because I am spending for the house. That investing on the house, on myself, family, the life moments, memories, experiences and fun are way more important than the money.

But next year, I promise to really start saving FOR THE DREAM/S! I’d just let this pass for now since im a newbie. But next year, I have to! No more buts.

On Work and Career.

Who would have thought that i’d end up as a data analyst once I graduate from college? Nobody. No one, including me. I’ve never planned this. And even when I already had the job, I could remember saying that i’d give it a shot for just a year. Yes, being a data analyst wasn’t in the equation until i decided to grab the opportunity. It was a major “detour.” And even if it wasn’t really the thing that I wanted to do and have at first, i know that God allowed it to happen for a reason. And i ain’t regretting grabbing the opportunity that opened up to me when this year started. It was so life-changing! 

I am so grateful for having this as my first job. I’ve been doing it for six months now (going seven) and to my own surprise, i am still enjoying it. The work environment helped a lot. It feels good not just waking up every day going to the office just to work. Every day, I also look forward to seeing my office mates which i had the chance to know and share stories and laughters with. It feels good having to grow as a person socially and professionally. 

One reason I see why until now I don’t get burnt out at work is because I always see to it that I still have work and life balance at the end of the day. That’s one of the first lessons that I’ve learned from my former manager and my trainer --- to know my limits and to not overwork. I got that advice during my first performance assessment and continuously applies it. Knowing your limits, managing and appropriating time, and prioritizing having a life outside work is a must. As what Hillary Clinton said, “Don’t confuse having a career with having a life.” I also read this statement that says, “A job is a job. It’s a way to pay for a living, but that’s it. Don’t let it define your happiness. You work to live, not live to work. Work on what makes you happy.” 

Is data analysis then the career that I still wanna pursue years from now? To be honest? I doubt it. I wanted to have a career that could impact a lot of people. I still do. I am still looking forward to it. I know my passion and I know that this isn’t it. I like doing what I am doing but I am not really that passionate about it. There’s a big difference there. I still need time to prepare myself and the resources that I need to pursue what I really want but for now, I’d be staying as a data analyst since I don’t have any reason yet so far to leave. But in the near future, I pray that I’d be able to do what I really want to do and accomplish one of my life’s purposes. 

Through out this entry so far, I kept on saying that time is so limited that I don’t get to prioritize this and that. That I don’t get to spend time with friends anymore unlike before, that I don’t have time for love life just yet and so on and so forth. I don’t give all my life and time to work either! So people’d ask what makes me so busy? Why does it seem like i am always rushing to log out at work? Where am i “appropriating” my time? My life?

I got three things: my family, myself, and Him:

On Family.

Majority of my time now, most especially when I go home to the province, is just for my family. That’s also the reason why I don’t initiate meet ups and hang outs with friends anymore too every time I go home. I want to spend more time with my family most especially with my parents. That’s one realization that I’ve got to see while i am adulting. While I feel like im growing as person: That as I grow, my parents aren’t getting any younger. That’s why I want to just be with them every time I have the chance to go home. I don’t want to regret someday that I haven’t showed them how much I care for them and how much I love them.

In terms of the the entire family tho, meaning not just my nuclear family, 2018 has been so challenging so far. The family has its highs and lows these past months. Some family members were faced with health problems (including Papa. We just found out last week that he has a lump on his right lung and we still don’t know what it is exactly since he is still under observation) and finances.

It is a challenging year for the entire family now. We are all being tested in a way or another but I am still optimistic about it all. These all are nothing but God’s test and we’d get through it. I know that He has a purpose for all of these. He wanted to test and teach us. 

The conflicts are there, the misunderstandings and what nots are there. But I know that we’d make it through all these. I have so much trust and respect to this family that brought me up. And I’ve been so open and vocal on how grateful I am of having to grow in a family that has this strong bond and foundation. 

On Myself.

When this year started, I promised to give this year to myself --- to allow myself to do what she wants, to be who she really is, and to grow. This year is for self-knowledge and discovery. I just entered a new chapter in life and before this, I lost myself. Little did I know that losing myself would be one of the major turning points in my life. Though I realized this last year, it is just this year that I gave myself the opportunity to really grow and live. As in to truly live. I wanted to “fix” and invest on myself this year because I realized that in a cruel world like ours, self-love is important. That knowing and accepting yourself could turn your life upside down. And I wanted to invest on myself because I believed that I couldn’t give what I do not have. Doing this all has changed me. It brought optimism in my life that has been once dark. And it gave me the courage to be fearless and step out off my comfort zone. To fight and stand for what I want and just be who I am. 

This is also the reason that I don’t feel guilty about ditching some galas from time to time. I deserve to sleep, rest. destress, and recharge on weekends. I deserve and need my Gutsy Days and Life Pauses. I deserve love and happiness. I deserve to have a life. And to live. 

On FAITH.

But above anything else, this is the most important thing that has been happening in my life this year. One of my goals this year is to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. And while investing on myself (i.e. figuring out what I really want and stuff like that), knowing my worth and the importance of self-love in my life is, it was really Him who saved me and who changed my life perspective. 

Last Thursday night, I attended this talk at church after work about Depression. And that’s when it sunk it to me. Everything. I was really depressed last year after I graduated. I was feeling so much lowness, sadness and disappointment. I didnt know what to do next in my life. I felt numb. I felt unmotivated. Hopeless, even. I lost myself! And while Pastor Tito Almadin was talking about how people can help others with depression, I realized that I didn’t really receive those kinds of help from others. Nobody around me knew that I got depressed! While I was busy sulking and self-pitying, everyone thought that I was doing just fine. They didn’t know how much sadness I was already feeling. They didn’t have any idea that i had too low self-esteem already. While the talk was on going that night, once again, I saw how His grace saved me. Those things that Pastor Tito was talking about? I didn’t get any of it. How can I get help from others if they didn’t even know that I needed help? As what I said, I don’t know how it happened but I just found myself turning to Him again. After years of neglecting Him calling me, at my lowest point, I came back to Him. And it was exactly one year ago when that happened. Days after going back to Him, I had then the opportunity and courage to tell my sister, one of my trusted friends, and my former college dormmate who’s older than me what I was going through. And it was just now that I’m writing this that I realized that all of them are Christians (He really gives us what we need!). Since then, my life has changed. 

Tho I already accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior, I admit that there are still days that I get tempted by this world’s desires and standards. There is still disobedience in me. It is not easy. I know that it’s not gonna be easy. But as what the Bible says, we are a living sacrifice and we’d really have the tendency to drift away from the altar. We are not expected to be perfect because we really are not. What’s important here though is that we always seek to strengthen our relationship with the Lord --- resurrendering our lives every day when we need to. This one is what gets me busiest these months --- strengthening my relationship with Him. Because before everything or anyone else, it should be Him first.

This is the reason why nowadays, i tend to do less. My Monthly Highlights and blog entries already got piled up, i don’t go out as often as before, don’t chat with people personally and online as much as before, etc. Little by little, I am learning how to value and appropriate my life and time wisely. We all have limited time and we have to learn to spend it on what really matters. And right now, here’s mine. You’d see what matters to me just by seeing where and for whom I spend my time. We gotta focus on what matters most. 

[tuleetalk]

“What’s” and “Why’s?”

Towards the end of 2017 I had a random discussion with a friend on a train. We talked about life and in a few moments of honesty confessed that we had both lost our “spark”. You know that energy that you have about life where you dream big, you work passionately, you’re hopeful for each day…? That’s the “spark” we were referring to. It’s like the responsibility of being adults had stripped us both of that zeal, not because being an adult in itself is meant to equal a life with no zeal, but because in trying to be responsible and do all the things that are expected of us, we put aside the things that we were once passionate about.

 Some time before this conversation I think I hit my personal breaking point. With all the ups and downs of the past few years and having just generally burnt myself out [again], I was tired and had already concluded that I couldn’t live the rest of my life like this. I couldn’t continue trying to keep life moving without an aim, without drive, without any desire and on a repeat cycle of burnout and tiredness.

 One thing that I know I’ve been good at over the years is finding nice things to do. I’ve prided myself on the work that I’ve done for people’s projects, the support that I’ve given friends and family, and my efforts to be faithful and dependable (not always 100% successfully but I tried)

 I eventually realised that I was trying so hard to be the friend, the relative, the worker, the leader that I was needed to be, but on most, if not all fronts was coming up short, never really being able to fully satisfy any of those roles. On top of that disappointment, I was also at a loss to myself because of the added frustration of being unable to explore my own dreams because I had no time left after labouring to be “all things to all men”. It’s like the most annoying catch 22… So I had to ask myself why am I working so hard? Who does it benefit? Was anybody on either side satisfied or grateful for the outcome of all that labour? Were all these things worth the sacrifices? Was I doing something someone else should be doing? Why was I even doing any of it?

 I watched a video a while back where (in short) comedian Michael Jr asks a man to sing a song. He sings it well, but then Michael Jr asks him to sing it again with a particular scenario in mind and his whole approach and energy in singing changes. You could sense a different kind of depth and thought process behind his note choices and use of power. He was no longer just singing because he was asked to, he was now singing knowing why he was singing (See video clip)

It made me realise that deciding what you’ll do, then trying to piece together why you do it later is entirely the wrong way round. I can decide that what I’m going to do is go for a drive, but unless I know why I’m driving I could potentially waste a lot of petrol, time and energy. If I know the reason why I’m driving is to get to a particular place, I then know that what I need to do is put a specific amount of petrol in the car, leave by a particular time, and bring snacks for the journey (as you do!) As well as that, when I get bored of the length of time it’s taking to get there, I remember why I set off in the first place and continue going with that destination in mind.

 If I know why my efforts are needed, I will then know what tools, processes and level of dedication I need in order to resource that vision. In essence, it’s having a purpose. I think we often make “finding purpose” very deep and a bit too profound when it could actually quite simply be rooted somewhere in the various things we are naturally most passionate about.

 For example, if I find that I am often heart-broken seeing homeless people on the street and get frustrated seeing people walk past them without helping, maybe I will decide to stay a few more months in the job that I don’t enjoy that much, to make extra money to raise funds to start a project to help the homeless. At least if I know why I’m still working in that job, I’ll get up each day with that focus.

 If I have a real love for seeing young people do well and have a deep desire to be part of their growth maybe I could look into doing a mentoring course. It’s may be a lot of work on top of my day to day and for the next year or so I’ll have to make a few sacrifices for it, but I know why I’m doing it.

 If my greatest joy is seeing people laugh and I am naturally quite talented on a stage, maybe I should spend a bit more time working on my stand up comedy. I may have to do a bunch of shows for free in order to build my skill or to find opportunities to make people laugh, but I’ll take the hit because I know why I’m doing it.

I haven’t found my full “why?” for life yet, I only have a small piece to the puzzle, the rest may take years to unfold, but with what I have so far I intend to find the “what’s” that help me fulfil the “why’s?”.

I’ve taken a step back from a bunch of things since the start of 2018 just so I could review what I’m doing, what I do and don’t need to continue doing, and not make decisions based on outside expectations. It’s allowed me to see what I really feel about my roles in life, what is most valuable to me, and what stops me from being the best me I can be and using all the specific gifts and skills I’ve acquired. I’ve learnt we are never really satisfied until we’re doing what we’re supposed to do.

Of course I don’t think this is something to be rigid about. Sometimes it’s necessary just to just give a helping hand or do something fun that’s completely unrelated to anything, but I think the key is to be balanced and not let life in all it’s randomness move you away from fulfilling what you know deep down, you need to do. If you don’t know yet what that is, that’s fine! I think over time the deepest passions that God built into our make up will surface eventually, then when we see them we must act on them. We can do many good things in life but we must make sure we make time for our “why?”

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi, Charity! I have been having an identity crisis lately. (Yet another of many in the past year of a lot of self discovery and doubt). I spent quite a while thinking I was either enfp or infp, after retyping myself several times from intp to intj to infj and then xnfp. But recently I became convinced that I am an infj and was right in my typing when I first learnt about the underlying cognitive functions (intx was pretty much just from online tests). I know this sounds very vague so far and I’m not giving any details of why or how.

Hey, Mar.

Wish your e-mail address had worked, so we could have this talk in private. :)

Since you were vague in your descriptions of Ne/Ni, I wasn't able to tell which one appears to be dominant, but here’s a few thoughts reaped from the post:

I struggle with seeing myself clearly, but I don’t know if it’s because of Fe or because I’ve had a tough family situation growing up where I was basically not allowed to have an identity separate from my caretakers. I am easily swayed by other people’s opinions and start to doubt my convictions but again, don’t know if it’s Fe or poor self-confidence (or both?).

It could be Fe if you allow other people’s emotions to cloud yours, or it could be the Ne-dom problem of being unable to see yourself clearly. Every single Ne-dom I've ever known / talked to, myself included, had a hell of a time finding their own type and still cannot see themselves very clearly, because Ne is so busy gaining 'outside perspectives' 24/7 and has such poor self-awareness (inferior Si) that it tends to believe whatever idea anyone throws at it about themselves, even if it doesn't match who they are. The idea just sticks to them and them being a Ne/Si, they cannot properly filter it out (Si: Hey, I’m not like that!).

I could especially relate, among other things, to that sense of impending doom and being stuck in the same situation I am currently in and no hope for a better future. Not being able to imagine a better future for myself and seeing only all the ways in which I am stuck and will be stuck stresses me out quite a lot, actually. Sometimes I obsess over it.

All intuitives feel that staying stagnant is a literal hell, so this could be Ni OR Ne. But Ne/Si tends to have a more generic 'I'm not sure what I want, but this ain't it and I hope this isn’t all I ever have from my life' approach and NiSe tends to think, 'it's time I stop fixating on this single vision and DO SOMETHING TO MAKE IT REAL” followed by fear it may fail and then they’ll have nothing, since no other dream / career / ambition has outlasted this one.

To the point that sometimes I can only find solace in fantasizing about meeting that one person who will save me from my troubles, as unrealistic, unhealthily codependent and disempowering as it sounds.

Free amateur psych advice: other people cannot save you, because other people are just as imperfect as you are. This is common in a fearful N user, who tends to idealize and fantasize about a hero coming to rescue them, because they are so uncomfortable interacting with the sensory world on their own. The answer is that you have to save yourself, since no one else will. :)

An aspect of why I believed myself to be an enfp is that I could relate a lot to your more personal posts (especially about writing) or whenever you’d offer personal examples to illustrate type. Or in doubting my introversion because sometimes I would talk to a person and get so energized by that human connection.

What kind of energy? Emotional (Fe) energy? Or I MET SOMEONE FULL OF GREAT IDEAS AND NOW I'M WIRED (Ne) energy?

Right now I’m in the middle of rewriting a novel. It changes with each draft. People change. Motives change. Ideas change. Hell, I decided to change the murderer because another possibility will clean up the plot better so now I’m having to rewrite entire sections and leave other characters out / fill the holes they leave behind. I’m fine with it. It’s fun and somewhat easy. It energizes me. That’s high Ne. “This was fine last week but now it bores me and I have a better way to approach it, so it’s all gonna change and continue changing until I find something that works.” I sometimes joke that me being me, as a Ne, I’m not ‘done’ with something until I can read it twenty-six times in the editing process without wanting to change something at its fundamental level. I know I found the RIGHT idea, after using and discarding a bunch of alternate possibilities.

(My INFJ friend basically writes her novels in head, figures them all out in advance, then sits down and writes it out and changes very little in revision. Ni.)

I struggle to see if I do actually perceive the emotions of those around me and can easily step into someone else’s perspective and I’m observant of the unspoken agreements in a social situation, or if I’m delusional and I just like to think I’m an empath because it makes me feel better about myself.

Perceiving them (Ne) or feeling them (Fe)? When you are in a group, are you watching people so you can SPECULATE on their emotions (Fi) or are you immersed IN their emotions and sometimes lose yourself in the process (Fe)? Are you GUESSING at their feelings (Fi) based on a sense of inner self (”Are they bored? She looks bored. Can’t other people see she’s bored? I would not want to be bored, so we need to keep her from being bored. How are other people not see this?” Fi thinking can actually mean, “Because this would bore ME, I’m projecting being bored onto her when she’s not actually bored.”)

Side note: intuitives often over-estimate their own skills because their intuition / imagination is fantasizing an ideal self, instead of using their real self. And coming crashing down to earth and realizing they were wrong / are not very good at that / really are not a God is somewhat crushing to their ego.

One thing that really made me lean towards infj as a possibility is realizing that, at least for me, writing is a way of expressing and externalizing my feelings.

Why is this specifically shifting you toward INFJ? INFJs do not have a corner on writing. This is equally if not more common in the INFPs. Every Fi-dom poet of the last five hundred years can testify to externalizing their feels in writing.

MY emotions get so tied up inside myself that until I get them out on paper (Te) I cannot organize them or even figure out how to say how I feel -- and that's crucial, because Fi/Te types may resort to metaphors, ducking conversations, or intense internal monologues that may never be voiced (because it takes time to organize their thoughts before they speak on an emotional level) while Fe/Ti types can usually simply sum up their feelings vocally when asked, since that's what Fe/Ti does.

So, are you externalizing to get others' feedback on your feelings and affirmation (FeTi) or are you writing because you know no other clear way to restructure and share your abstract (hard to describe) feelings (FiTe)?

Before, I believed I had Fi because I have strong beliefs about individuality and personal integrity and I passionately hate the kind of group-think that leads to lack of personal integrity in favor of what the majority wants. But at the same time I strongly believe in equality. In fact, I believe what makes us equals is (as corny as it sounds) precisely that we’re all unique and irreplaceable and have a unique purpose for our life, that nobody else could fulfill quite like us.

You should ask yourself: do I pass immediate moral judgment upon hearing new information like a Fi-dom or do I internalize / interact with the ideas before I judge their ethics like a NeFi or do I try and fit the new information into my internal worldview and see how to use it to motivate people in a NiFe way?

Another reason for me thinking Fi is that somewhere along the line I had convinced myself that I hated people and I took on the identity of a misanthrope.

Um. Why would this connect to Fi in your mind?

I have been struggling big time with having too high expectations of myself and with my overall perfectionism, which more often paralyzes me instead of making me work harder. I am studying again after a few years, and the deadlines are just killing me. They feel like life or death. I obviously don’t know how to work with a schedule, I did 90% of the workload of two weeks in the first two days and then felt burnt out and spent the next week and a half distracting myself by researching random non academic stuff just for personal amusement, like mbti and the enneagram, and how to make pumpkin pie, and the relationship between veganism and the tv series Hannibal. Procrastination is definitely something I’m good at. It’s two days before the deadline and I’m struggling with that 10% of work that I haven’t done yet, and after spending the whole day stressing out about it and not being able to write a single sentence of my essay on cave art from the paleolithic, I am writing this instead. At least, just by writing this, I’ve already gained some clarity on what’s going on inside my head, which is always helpful.

I’m 90 pages into a book on perfectionism from a psychological perspective at the moment, but Jordan Peterson has wise words for this sort of behavior: finished is better than perfect.

I too am a perfectionist, but for me it's more spewing ideas out on the page (Ne) and then anxiously trying to formulate them into some kind of structure that has an overall point (Te) and then agonizing over the details in case I got something wrong that will cause people to throw out my good ideas in favor of the misinformation (low Si) due to Ne placing unrealistic standards on this situation due to being combined with perfectionism, which is fear based (if this isn’t flawless, people will judge it harshly and not listen to what it says).

I’m sorry I could not give your type based on what you wrote, but hopefully I explained enough about my thinking process and gave you good enough questions that you can find your type by being honest about your mental processing leading to behaviors.

- ENFP Mod

[fyzil]

2020

#Whirlwind of emotions. #Ups and downs, #highs and lows, #dips and valleys, #tough moments, #JOY of fatherhood, #emotional wreck, #trough of sorrow, #points of uncertainty, #desire to do better - to have what i haven’t had by doing what i hadn’t done, #falling forward.

2017 -I have been here before, a moment of zero fulfilment, of depression, being less of myself, difficulty and challenges. I rose from it, I grew from it, I had faith, i wasn’t discouraged, i never held back, i gave it everything i had, i flourished and blossomed again, I conquered. 

2020 - I hit my deepest lows, i got hit again and again and again, but i will RISE UP LIKE THE WARRIOR I AM, i am responsible for my happiness, I will get it.

Desires, Passion, Quitting, Resentment, Hardship.

I wont stop, I wont quit, I wont cave... I would succeed, I would accomplish, I would keep trying, I would get what i never had by doing something i never did. We’ve been here before. I have been successful in my own way which reminds me that... I am a Warrior, my mind is tougher than I believe, I am smarter than i give myself credit for, I am on a path to accomplishment, I am a winner. Note to me - Keep scrapping, keep working hard. You don't have to impress anyone but you. Now is the time to build. Fold your sleeves up, get your hands dirty, pray to God for direction and guidance and you'll reap and enjoy the fruits soon, keep going and don't look back. You don't have to worry or hurry to live the dream, it's coming, at its time - The right time. Jul 03, 2020. Hafiz The biggest challenge working on an idea in these early days is the wavering thoughts and emotions of whether it’s going to be a success or failure. One minute I feel sure and boisterous about it all, another minute I am in so much doubt I loose all the energy and desire to even do anything about it. I remain unflappable and will keep bursting my ass to get it off the ground and see it through to immense success. It’s so tough glueing all the pieces needed together but we won’t back down. We evade roadblocks not turn back. Jul 13,2020. Hafiz 

Don’t be afraid to fail big, dream big, dream without goals are just dreams. 

I have seen a pattern in my growth over the last decade. In 2011, i devoted myself to making a 2:1 and better grades. By 2012, i achieved the latter a lot but it became clear I wouldn’t be able to graduate with the grades i wanted. I took all my efforts and channeled it into programming, studying entrepreneurship, networking and creating good relationships at CCHub and also getting mentored by a Google Engineer - Toki. I abandoned school. I never attended classes, was highly anti-social and only wore tracks all through - I was done on the inside. My ultimate aim was to get into Huawei, to be hired as a software prodigy. All the programming, extra hours and tough moments learning Data Structures and Algorithm paid off. All the dedication and devotion paid off. Huawei welcomed a whiz kid. It was no mean feat... Alhamdulilah!   In 2013, the year i got my famous scars, the year i spread myself so so thin, worked my tail off at Huawei. I needed to prove i was more than hype, that i was the real deal - I DID. Colleagues, bosses, and peers were amazed at the prospects i demonstrated. I got stifled by the new HR who didn’t understand why i was so celebrated. I was super anti-social again as all i did was focus on performing my best to seal my role as a Solutions Architect - The first time a college grad will be hired straight to a senior role. Unfortunately I wasn’t given the role officially but i kept performing and excelling while functioning at it. In 2015, the year i grew balls. I found out that i didn’t want to live on salaries and the pennies Segun and I squared from small side gigs with Solar89digital. It was time to play amongst the big boys. It was a moonshot but with a lot of zest, 5X tenacity, we landed a fantastic gig with the Government. It burnt us out but we learnt a lot and made a lot of money - millions. Made my first million and more. Moved into a very big apartment, got a land, travelled to SA and became Product Management Certified, enrolled into Edinburgh’s MBA programme, and picked up my first car from home - A Mistibushi Gallant. Did all these by being super anti-social, focused only on the things i wanted to achieve and grew tremendously in belief, wisdom and experience. In 2018, after just getting married, i knew i didn’t want to be stuck working an IT job in a law firm. In the previous year, i was fired by Huawei for refusing to come to work. My brother connected me to the Job to get me back on my feet. I did get married on the job and was able to put myself together.  However I believed I was better than staying on it - my gut feeling and my soul knew, I just had to prove to myself. Interviewed with NIBSS, Mainone, Andela, Paystack, etc. I finally did great at Interswitch but eventually got sent to Arca/Clane by them. So much joy through the internal hardship of self-doubt and the What ifs. A lot of reflection into my achievements in the previous 5 years and how it would all have culminated into working as an IT guy in a law firm? NO NO NO. Glad i was able to make a switch back into proper Corporate work after a 1 year hiatus. Was humble though and learnt a lot through it all. I did what i needed to do to get what i wanted but then I had to move on from it. Great place to work though. Learnt about foreign culture and human interaction.

2018 further sharpened my mind. I shifted my mindset to how I can test my mettle on an international scale. I started to look out for opportunities in diaspora and this was another moment of digging deep again. I wanted nothing but such move. I was desperate and I wanted it so bad. It however took over 100+ applications, 25+ interviews, and 3 final stage rejections to land at PayJoy. Bottom line, I’m a 100% all-in guy once I’m gunning for something. I don’t fear neither do I frail. My mind is stronger than my body and my brain is blessed to have me to try to make the best of it always. Along those lines, i had a stint at a Big name company to make my resume look good, but we eventually landed where we wanted. This is 2020. Another year of intense growth. I’ve been here before, how hard, tough and painful it feels when expanding, stretching my limits and going to territories I have never been before. I know this feeling, I can tap into this mindset, and now it’s activated - Full Mode. With God on my side, I’m willed, I’m powerful, I’m grateful, I’m tenacious and I won’t stop till the desired accomplishments are achieved. Stepping into 2020, we knew this is what we’d have to go through, and we were ready. Mabrouk came along and there came extra motivation being a father. Yes it comes with a lot of erring and downsides - being Anti-social, excessively private and unwavering in my cause, It’s just how i know best to do it. It’s how i have got results before and it has worked many many many times over and over and over again for me - Why change or break it? I have been locked up in a jail (my house) for the past 3 months, grinding out myself to execute on my entrepreneurship quest. I haven’t stopped thinking about it for a second and i have possibly researched the most in my entire life these last months - even paid for and conducted a lot of research. This is the year it starts and we have to throw the kitchen sink at it if need be.

I am not in a hurry to do the flashy things like getting an exotic car, buying extravagant things. I’ve the money but there is no rush because these things will come whether i want it or not. The money for it will come in abundance and i would even be tired of it and start doing a lot of charity. 

I will keep on going till i see my objectives to fruition, no backing down from it, no anxieties. At the end, i would either be a very successful entrepreneur or a failed founder with a lot of experience that can be used to pursue another challenge or company with an even bigger purpose and ambition. I would not have wasted the time. All i will keep doing is “Rinse and Repeat” and if i unfortunately never become that successful business man, in a few years or within a decade, i’d have enough knowledge from all my experiences to be a mentor, a coach or a consultant, which would then make me a lot of money regardless which i can conveniently use for my kids as they grow or live the comfortable life. As far as I see it, there’s no loosing embarking on this mission - Only winning.

More pain, daunting task ahead as we keep Vysend moving forward. Blessed to have Valentina Valencia in our corner. She’s remarkable, pushing the living day light out of us. Had a session on roadmapping and focus before we speak to Sebastian from Seedstars tomorrow. We keep pushing

Aug 11,2020 11:56PM

[theolddarkmachine]

Kingdom- Chapter Three

Gajeel has had the dream about dying for the blue haired girl for as long as he can remember. Which is weird, since he’s never met anyone with blue hair in his life.

Levy has always loved myths and legends. So much so, in fact, that she was currently getting her master’s in mythological studies.

What neither of them realized was that they were living a legend all their own.

AKA the one with a knight, a princess, and a curse that keeps bringing them together just to pull them apart.

When I started this chapter, I kinda hated it. Like a lot. But then I decided to sit on it for a couple days and rework it later, and now I actually quite like it. So I hope you guys like it too! I’m also really trying to push myself to just do more with my writing. Don’t really know how to explain what I’m trying to do with my style other than MORE but hoping you won’t mind all too much if I try to push things. You may have also noticed that I posted a different fic on here the other day. As I said in my About Me when I made this blog, this may not necessarily always be a strictly Gajevy fic blog, and it was the time lol While I will be splitting my time between two fics now, know this one still has priority, because 1) That’s what y’all deserve and 2) A lot of research has to be done for the other one that needs more time and thus it cannot be updated as often. if any of yall know more about yakuza than google hit a girl up lmao ANYWAY, thanks for reading, as always <3

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Unfortunately, it wasn’t the first time Gajeel had found himself in front of a speeding vehicle. It was the first time he wasn’t the speeding vehicle’s target though, which he was going to chalk up as a win. At least, as much of a win as it could be given it would also most likely end with him splattered across the pavement. Time seemed to stand still as he felt himself wonder how in the hell he had ended up there, throwing himself in front of a vehicle to save a stranger.

He’d awakened that morning with the usual groan and the familiar dread that spread through his chest from his dream. The amount of time it felt he was in the darkness of death was growing each day, and along with it the sense of despair. If he didn’t quite know better, he’d wonder if at some point he’d stop waking from it at all. A strong hand rubbed across his face in an attempt to brush the sleep-- and melodramatic thoughts for that matter-- from his eyes. It was fruitless to try and stay in bed, a fact he knew all too well, and loathed with every fiber of his being, so he pushed himself out of the nest of blankets and pillows and headed to the bathroom. The light flickered to life and illuminated the small space of the cramped room, reflecting off the mirror.

His reflection stared back at him, only it wasn’t him.

In his place stood a faceless shadow of a man, with burning red eyes that struck a spike of fear through his heart. Adorned in black armor, Gajeel felt a sense a familiarity as he took in the intricately carved dragon that curved across the breast plate and fixed him with a matching, angry gaze. It’s scales were outlined with flecks of gold, giving it a near regal look. Scratches ran all along the armor, each telling a story that he was certain he knew, and yet couldn’t quite remember. He was paralyzed under the glare of the red eyes as the darkness that was cast across the specter's face started to twist and fade.

As it dissipated it first revealed a mouth that was twisted into an unimpressed scowl, wild black hair, and then a glint of metal studs that stood out against the tanned skin. It felt as an icy hand gripped his heart, knocking the wind out of his lungs when he realized that standing before him, was a different version of himself. The crimson glare softened in his other self’s eyes as they sized each other up. Something about the way his mirror self was looking at him made Gajeel’s blood run cold. What was this? Everything felt so foreign and yet, just on the outreaches of his subconscious it felt as if the answer was there plain as day. He hadn’t realized he’d reached his hand out to touch the specter until his fingertips brushed the cold, smooth metal of the armor.

A heavy weight settled in the silence of the bathroom as the walls started to fall away from around them, leaving them standing in inky darkness. Shadowy tendrils licked across their skin as if they were trying to find a way to latch onto them. Slowly, holding Gajeel’s attention, his copy looked down towards his chest. A bright light started to spill from one of the scars on the breastplate located just over his other self’s heart, pushing back the shadows that had started to descend on the armor. Gajeel’s stomach turned at the sharp stab of despair that filled his gut causing the acrid taste of bile to rise in his throat. It felt almost like the feeling of the dream, only magnified tenfold, and suddenly he felt as if he was suffocating. His arms started to burn where the shadows started to stain his skin ebony with their touch. Everything hurt so much, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to look away from his mirror self.

A small, sorrow filled smile tugged at the corners of the reflection’s mouth as he looked up at Gajeel.

“Save her.”

The hollow voice carried the words through the darkness and as quickly as it had appeared, the vision was gone. Air burst into his lungs as he choked on the bitter despair. Gajeel had never thought he’d be so happy to find himself on the floor of his bathroom before as he breathed heavily, hungry gasps pulling in as much air into his lungs as they could.

“Who is she?” He tried to scream out to the vision, only succeeding in a breathless gasp that reached no one. Angrily, he punched his hand into the old tile of the bathroom floor, enjoying the sharp tang of pain that buzzed across the skin of his knuckles. Gajeel stared down at the skin of the fist, almost certain he would see the stain from the black shadows scrawled across his skin. Nothing but his usual tan clung to his complexion and relief blossomed in his chest. His mind raced in an attempt to piece together what had just happened. The obvious explanation was that he had still been half asleep when he’d made his way to the bathroom and found himself in a waking dream. Yet, as he grabbed the edge of the counter and pulled himself off the ground and eyed the mirror, he couldn’t help but feel like it had been a little too real.

Gajeel stared into his reflection as if trying to pull any evidence of the vision into being. A pang of heat seared across the left side of his chest. Over his heart, stood a slightly darker strip of flesh that was about four inches long. He’d had the strange birthmark all his life, and had never paid it any mind, and it had never given him any cause to. Rubbing it gently, he tried to shake the vision of the light that poured from the copy’s armor from his mind. After a few moments, he let out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding and let his hand drop from the mark. A dream. That’s all it was.

The lie tasted bitter on his tongue.

Save her. Those two words kept swirling around in his head as if to taunt him. He didn’t know who she was, and yet he couldn’t help but feel who ever she was, she was connected to the blue haired princess from the dream. If only his damn dreams weren’t so cryptic, maybe he could actually fulfill their wish of saving her. His head was throbbing by the time he was able to uproot himself from where he stood in front of his bathroom mirror. A quick glance at his phone showed that he’d somehow lost about three hours to the vision and the subsequent mental freakout that followed. The thought that he could lose so much time without realizing it set him on edge.

Save her.

In an attempt at restoring normalcy and easing the pain that pulsed through his skull, Gajeel got into the shower, turning the heat of the water as high as it would go so the burning sting of the water would replace the confused thoughts swirling through his mind. After the spray ran cold, he wrapped his fluffy grey towel around his waist and padded back into the living area of his apartment. The cool air from the air conditioning raised the hair on his arms, but it was a welcome distraction as he made his way to the kitchen in search of food. The disappointing sight of the butt ends of some bread, three ketchup packets and a questionable bottle of what was once a cherry coke greeted him and his growling stomach.

“Great,” he snarled at the remnants of food before he slammed the door shut. This was shaping up to be a fantastic morning. The lack of food and his ever rising irritation was how he found himself outside, black leather jacket clinging to his frame as he thrust his hands deep into the pockets of his ripped blue jeans. Cool air burnt his lungs that still ached from the earlier deprivation of oxygen. Outside of his apartment and in the hustle and bustle of the city, the vision seemed more like a distant memory than something that had happened just earlier that morning. It wasn’t distant enough to let him relax, but at least he no longer felt like he was being haunted by phantom crimson eyes and shadows. It hadn’t been until he’d turned toward the street to cross that the incident entirely slipped his mind, because there just on the other side of where he stood was a shock a all too familiar blue hair.

Save her.

The words were a bit louder as his gaze settled upon her. She was the blue haired princess. He hadn’t ever actually seen her face in his dreams, but he knew that shade of blue, and every part of his body screamed with recognition. His breath caught in his throat as she looked up, her honey colored gaze meeting his crimson one. A pink blush brushed across her cheeks as she tightened her grip on the book that she’d had in her arms pressed against her chest.

Save her. The copy’s echoed through his mind as he continued to stare, unable to tear his gaze from her. She was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. It almost looked as if light radiated from her as she stood there on the street corner, hair held back with a bright yellow scarf and in a knee length green peacoat. He watched her as the light changed, signaling pedestrians to cross. His eyes followed her as she looked down at the street as she stepped down from the ledge. A loud blare of a horn finally broke him of his trance, and made time stop. Her head snapped up to look in the direction of the blare coming from the delivery truck that was barreling down the street, straight towards her and the intersection. He watched as she froze, mouth falling open as she stared straight into the grill of the truck that would inevitably hit her if she didn’t move.

Save her.

The words were a booming cry as they ordered him into action. Gajeel hadn’t ever moved so quickly in his life. What had started as a grocery run was now ending with him chasing death in the form of a nondescript white delivery truck. Willing his feet to move him as fast as they could to close the distance between them, he felt her solid form hit his chest as he closed his arms around her and used the momentum to throw them both out of the way. The last thing he heard was a scream, and the blare of the truck horn.

***

All things considered, Levy thought being hit by a car would hurt more than it did. She’d noticed the vehicle racing towards her after it had already been too late, giving her just enough time to think about how Mirajane was going to kill her for getting one of her books destroyed. The blare of the horn deafened her and she screwed her eyes shut to the sound, the sight of the delivery truck’s grill burned into the back of her eyelids as the last thing she’d ever see. As she was hit, she felt a warmth encircle her as what felt like two arms wrapped around her waist. What should have felt like a violent and brutal twisting of bone and metal felt almost like the embrace of a lover. Her mind raced as it tried to catch up with what was happening. Maybe it’s shock, she thought to herself as she felt her back hit the ground. The breath in her lungs was pushed out violently with the force of the impact. At least that seemed about right for what was happening. A high pitched ringing filled her ears, almost drowning out the sound of the ragged breathing that was stirring the hair just at the shell of her right ear. Almost. Suddenly she was all too aware of the warm solid weight that was pressed against her chest, shoving the corners of the book she still clutched to her chest into her body. Her eyes shot open as she thrust her knee reflexively into the gut of the body that laid on top of her, capturing her between his body and the pavement. The motion was met with a loud and short grunt of pain as the man rolled off of her and onto the ground beside her.

“So that’s the thanks a guy gets, huh?” The stranger wheezed, staring up at the sky as his arms wrapped protectively around his middle. She felt her eyes widen as they traced his face, realizing that he was the man that had been across the street. Trying to stop from staring too long, she turned her attention to the scene around them. They were both laying safely on the sidewalk as curious bystanders started to gather around them to check on their wellbeing. Levy made note of the fact that the delivery truck seemed nowhere to be found.

“You alright?” His voice was still a bit breathless, but the stranger from across the street was now fixing his gaze on her once again. This close she could see that his eyes were endless pools of crimson. The metal in his eyebrow quirked in concern as she stared. Heat colored her cheeks as she hurriedly pushed herself up and set the book on her lap.

“I- I’m fine. Are you?” Levy’s voice sounded painfully squeaky, even to her own ears. Her heart was beating harder in her chest now than it had when she’d seen the vehicle baring down on her. Wait. “Did you- did you seriously just jump in front of a delivery truck?” Gleeful light danced in his eyes as the man also sat up, shooing away one particularly curious looking bystander that had gone to help him up.

“I think you technically jumped in front of it first,” he chuckled as he rubbed his ribcage. “I was fine until ya attacked me.” The smile that accompanied the statement made her mind run blank. Levy was certain she’d never seen this man before and yet something about the way he smiled at her felt like the most natural and familiar thing in the world. Something deep in her chest told her that she’d do anything to see him smile again.

“Why would you do that?” She heard herself ask, almost as shocked about the question as he seemed to be. A moment passed as he looked away from her.

“I don’t know.” It was almost a whisper, as if the answer wasn’t meant for her as the man questioned himself as to why he’d literally throw himself into traffic to save someone he didn’t know. As quickly as the confusion had crossed his face, it was gone as he looked back up at her as if he could pull the answer from her. The voices of the people surrounding them started to grow distant as they began to disperse after seeing that the couple was okay. The man started to standing, brushing the dirt from his jeans and making a low, disgruntled noise when he saw the scratches in the leather of his jacket from where his arms had dragged against the concrete. Levy watched as he shook his head and then held a hand out to her to help her stand. There was a beat before she took it, allowing herself to be pulled up from the ground. An electric shock shot up her arm from the touch, eliciting a gasp as goosebumps raced across her skin. His wide eyes said that the stranger had felt it as well. As soon as she was standing, he took his hand back, staring at it as he flexed his fingers and rubbed at the skin with his other hand.

This was the point where she would thank him for saving her, and he would say something lame like “You’re welcome” and then they would go their separate ways and never see each other again. That’s how it should go anyway, but her stomach flipped at the idea of letting him walk away. Something was so familiar about him. Being near him had felt like she’d found something she hadn’t even realized she’d lost, and the very idea of losing it again had her stomach in knots.

“What’s your name?” Levy’s voice wavered slightly as she fixed her honey gaze on him. He returned the gaze and the strange electrically charged air filled the space between them.

“Gajeel,” he answered simply after a moment of contemplation. Another piece seemed to fall into place in her mind, as her brain registered the name she’d never heard and yet made the blood in her veins sing. Levy pulled the book back up to her chest and hugged it to her chest again, using it as a shield as if to stop him from seeing the way her heart was hammering against her chest.

“Well, Gajeel, can I thank you with a cup of coffee?” The smile returned to his face at the question. It was another kickstart to her heart that rammed against her ribcage as she waited for his answer.

“Coffee sounds great.”

[keelincain-blog]

Saving the Devil

https://www.amazon.com/Saving-Devil-Silver-Songs-Book-ebook/dp/B0775Z9QLC/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1511775160&sr=8-7&keywords=saving+the+devil

My eyes flew wide open. I was covered in sweat, my heart pulsing at a hundred an hour, my body trembling.

Surprise, surprise; six hundred years later and PTSD was still alive and kickin’ it. Fucking nightmares. This was the first time in three months I had allowed myself to get some shut eye. Or more accurately, to pass out from sheer exhaustion. Thank those capricious motherfuckin’ gods I wasn’t human and didn’t need to catch Z’s almost every night; that would have been a huge cluster fuck. Not that my life now was all rainbows and unicorns but I had enough personality flaws, best not to add “ungrateful cunt” to the list. Wouldn’t want to offend the Faiths; prissy bitches that they were, their feathers were ruffled easily.

I stretched my wings out, making the bones underneath the arches crack. Reaching out to the Beats Pill sitting on the floor beside my queen-sized mattress, I turned it on. Next was the Galaxy Edge and boom, the base from the speakers was drumming against the walls of my bedroom.

Just one thing was missing. On the other side of the mattress was a needle, a belt, a spoon that had been burnt way too many times, the lighter that had been used to spark the flame underneath it and -most importantly- a tiny Ziploc that held the fine, light brown powder I needed to calm my nerves.

I crossed my legs and sat the paraphernalia in the middle.

Duh-dum, duh-dum, duh-dum... The sound of a heartbeat pulsed through the speakers, mimicking my own heart. As I lit my lighter under the spoon, melting the beige powder, as the sickeningly sweet scent rose and danced into my nostrils, my heart sped up in anticipation of what was to come. It was a bitter sweet thing. It was both my salvation and my bane.

“This is gospel, for the fallen ones...”  My hands trembled as I put both the lighter and the spoon now carrying a thick transparent liquid on the tiled floor.

“...locked away in permanent slumber.” My breathing turned ragged as I picked up the delicate syringe and pulled gently on the handle, sucking in the liquid.

“Assembling their philosophies...”  I had already tied the withered old belt around my arm. My veins pulsed against my skin as if asking for the contents of the liquid that I knew would give me peace. For however brief a time that may be.

“...from pieces of broken memories.”  Unable to wait any longer, I pushed the needle into my arm, the thin metal piercing through my skin, and pressed gently on the handle. There was a slight burn, there always was. But it was part of the pleasure. Perhaps because I knew an incredible high would follow as my drug of choice swam through my bloodstream and altered my state of mind. Or perhaps because I was a junkie and as long as I got my fix nothing else really mattered. Okay, let’s be honest. It was definitely the latter.

Time stopped, my body tensed, my mind quieted as I waited for it to hit me. And then...

“If you love me let me GO-OH!”  Tiny fireworks exploded behind my eyelids. I threw my head back and moaned as every tensed muscle relaxed and I was flying without my wings.

This was my gospel...

    Maybe my moment of bliss had lasted a few minutes, maybe an hour. I had no idea; my notion of time was a bit fucked up. In any case it was over way too soon. Courtesy of a loud thundering sound that had me thinking maybe Zeus was feeling a little gassy today. I hope he had diarrhea, the prick.

It pissed me off to no end that someone was banging on my door for three reasons. Number one: nobody knew where I lived because, being social? Yeah, not my thing. Number two : I was coming down from my high so my entire body was shaking, I was sweating like a whore in church and I could barely move a finger let alone get up to open the door. Number three: I had bought this apartment in the middle of nowhere in a tiny village in the South of France so that I'd be left the fuck alone.

Maybe I could just wait it out...

A few minutes went by, the knocking didn't stop. It. Didn't. Fucking. Stop.

I had half a mind to blow the door to pieces. But I didn't. Because I was a mature person who didn't need to resort to violence in order to deal with certain... unpleasant situations. Just kidding! I was just too out of it to blow anything up, also it was in the other room which given my current state seemed far, far away. My head on the other hand was about to explode. So, left with no choice, I rolled out of the mattress -pain blooming every fucking where- with the full intent of blowing whoever was on the other side of that door to bloody smithereens.

 Letting out a long suffering sigh, I thought of getting to my feet. To which my body replied “Fuck no.” So I crawled, grunted and whimpered my way out of my bedroom, down the hallway and into the living room. Only to realize that … I couldn’t reach the handle. Man, this was a fucking train-wreck. Not a surprising turn of events but a pain in my ass nonetheless. Not counting the tiles I was sure were leaving bruises all over me, the little patience I had was quickly evaporating into little wisps of irritation. As if the green and red color scheme of the floor generating mild hallucinations wasn’t enough to making me blow a fuse.

The knocking got louder, piercing my sensitive eardrums and making me partially deaf. What the bloody hell could be soooo important and at this time? Okay, I was being kind of dramatic. In truth I had no clue as to what time it was. It didn't matter anyway, it's not like I had stuff to do, people to see, dreams and goals to fulfill...

Well. That just got really melancholic, really fast. Nothing like forced social interactions to make you realize you were a hermit who more often than not wallowed in a cloacae of self-pity with a touch of self-hatred and a tablespoon of depression added in for good measure.                

Anyways back to the here and now. The situation with the door handle was fucked. There was no way I could get up, even if I’d wanted to (which I really didn't). My head was spinning and my lungs were on fire.

"Axel!'" That was what I wanted to say. What came out was a squeaking sound followed by a slur. To give you a better picture, it sounded like a drunk cockatoo was trying to talk.

However, my roommate answered my call and came prancing into the living room where I lay, annoyed and getting deafer by the second as the incessant knocking kept on going. He stood two centimeters from my nose and looked down at me like I was a cockroach.

Axel yawned, exposing his tiny tongue and even tinier fangs. He wrinkled his nose in distaste making his whiskers twitch, his tail swinging back and forth as if it had a mind of its’ own.

I grit my teeth and looked up the yellow Styrofoam covered ceiling that had once been white but age and neglect -mostly on my part- had it rotting faster than a peeled banana.

"You called?" He asked in the most condescending of voices. Okay, yes, Axel, my roommate was technically a cat but before you start thinking that I'm a batshit-crazy-cat-lady, let me tell you that was absolutely not the case. Wait, scratch that. I might be batshit crazy, happens to the best of us. However, I hadn't lost all my marbles yet. In fact just the other day I had found one of them under the couch.

Axel was an incubus stuck in a cat's body. It was a long albeit hilarious story that involved a witch, her mom, a barrel of demon ale and Axel not being able to keep his cock in his pants. Either that or Axel was a hundred year old delusion. I wouldn't put it past my mind to fuck with me like that.

"Open the fucking door!" I grunted still struggling to get up, my wings flapping around. I probably looked like a neurotic duck but at this point I didn't have the luxury of worrying about appearances.

"Are you expecting someone?" said while licking a paw.

I narrowed my eyes in irritation. Could there be a more pain-in-the-ass combination than an incubus and an orange tabby? "So help me god, Axel if you don't open the door right now I'm going to throw out all of your yarn balls!"

He pressed a paw to his furry chest, mouth and eyes wide open; the perfect portrait of outraged shock. "You wouldn't dare!" He growled. Well, "growled" was probably a slight exaggeration, it was more like a guttural meow.

I narrowed my eyes. "Try. Me!"

"You are such a bitch." He muttered as he climbed on top of me and leapt on to the door handle.

It took a few grunts and an ear-piercing meow but he opened it, landed on my face and propelled his orange ass from my nose. Yeah, and I was the bitch.

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