#trying to fulfill my dreams while trying to keep myself from getting burnt out

[ruthiefalkonobi]

Picture of Blythe I did when I should have been working. 😂 But sometimes you just gotta break out of your art routine so you can get back into your art routine.

Scratches inspired by me shooting a plastic-fletched arrow poorly and scraping my hand. 😎👌

[serenheist]

What Jin is like in a relationship/ Jin as a boyfriend Tarot reading

I just realized I describe some things in this reading that won’t make sense to you guys cause I used my angel tarot deck in the picture but I’m using my other tarot deck to look at the pictures and describe what I get because the angel deck isn’t as visually expressive compared to my other one lol whatever.

How long does it take Jin to get into a relationship? & Does he prefer long or short term relationships The sun reversed, ace of cups, page of wands knight of cups, judgement reversed

Jin seems to get into relationships so what quickly but moreso having a problem of being too intense. There’s a lot of showing off, over bearing energy. When he meets new partners he can come across as too egotistical and the partner can feel outshone. He could be caught up in the excitement of new relationships. He might have gotten into a good amount of relationships quickly because the Princess of wands is younger immature energy and gets caught up in the idealized worship of someone. I think he likes that purity aspect in someone in a new relationship whether that literally means he likes virgins👀 or he just likes someone who appears pure but has a fiery passionate side. But still this has made him more arrogant like “I can get anyone” energy and at the same time left him burnt out. There’s always a burnt out energy with these guys.

Now it looks like he wants something more long term. It looks like he’s starting to slowly move away from that party everyday lifestyle and jumping into a new relationship quickly. Very slowly though. I get the image of him now ignoring calls of past hookups cause it’s no longer fulfilling. It’s somewhat lonely though because he lost some people he used to hang out with in that lifestyle and decided to go off on his own and find fulfillment on his own. There’s also no longer being invited to places with friends that you used to go to to possibly meet people.

Past & present love life past: 4 of swords, avenoir 1 present: 7 of wands, queen of cups

In the past a lot of people flocked to Jin and I think he enjoyed having so many options and all the fun of it but having more and more and people being attracted to superficial things left him taking a break from dating stuff. This reminds me of some dumb shit like when you’re the cool one cause you bring all the booze to the party but it’s fleeting popularity and no one actually likes you as a person but they like the fact that you got the alcohol. When people meet you they’re expecting the life of the party and after awhile you just wanna avoid everyone and everything.

Present: it looks like Jin is being defensive in his love life right now that he’s blocking a great connection someone that isn’t even far away. He could be too much in his head and rejecting a lot of people who just wanna fuck around. I wonder if he actually has a specific person in mind because this queen of cups is literally telling the 7 of wands dude to come here while he’s too busy trying to fight off these unseen “enemies”. Idk it doesn’t look like he’s with this person represented by the queen though but if he wanted to they’re seriously right there, there’s water flowing from the queen of cups to 7 of wands on the ground he could just keep walking instead of wasting his time on past stuff.

What is he like in a relationship samadhi 29, the keeper of whispers, dolphin, sad embrace 54, G. hobyah 61 reversed, 6 of wands

When he’s in a relationship he isn’t distracted by all the people trying to cozy up next to him. He doesn’t care how hot someone is he only has eyes for his person even when so many people like him. I think he’s become more open minded in the sense that he accepts his partner more as they are and won’t try to make them into something they’re not. He likes to play around and have fun and be social and all that but he’s also protective and caring for someone he’s in a relationship with.

Though it seems like he can go through a lot of stages of ego problems and feeling sorry for himself I’m not sure why. He has a lot of confidence but his desire to be center of attention can bring conflict. I gotta say though I think he’s not the best at communicating when conflict arises like he can’t articulate himself in a way without resorting to trying to be playful when it’s not needed. The keeper of whispers really reminds me of the because even I can’t articulate it. It’s about having access to all this vast knowledge and not being able to express it at all.

What is his ideal type Abaddon, 33 translucence, Penelope dreamweaver 28 reversed, queen of pentacles, 39 protecting treasure, cat, 5 of wands reversed

Okay his type is what we pretty much already know, with the Queen of pentacles being a great homemaker and nurturing sensual etc but I’m getting there’s sort of an energy of being successful or maybe from a wealthy family but having to keep up appearances and being bored out of your mind. This person works way too hard and their inner self wants to go off and leave the mundane world and go off and actually enjoy their own fantasies and dreams. They could be from a family where they weren’t allowed to pursue a more creative path and had to stay in the family business but this person is very creative and has a lot of anger towards not being able to do what they want. Their father especially is probably the head of the family and very controlling and strict on them because they could be the heir to the family fortune or oldest child etc.

There could be internal conflict or outer conflict with their family about what they want to do but I think they’ll ultimately choose what they want to do because they have too much of an independent spirit and it’s inevitable. This person is highly selective about who they become friends with I think because they have a lot of trust issues with people just wanting to be their friend because they’re well off. But I see them having a mysterious air, elegant and confident or that could be what they project to the outer world the real them is having a more wild child attitude. They feel like they’ve been living in a superficial world for too long and ready to go into the unknown and hang out with different kinds of people not just from their social background. They love the night and are very affectionate when they get used to you. There’s a certain ruggedness to them Idk if they’ll actually dress more free and wild but they might have longer hair and let it go free and I feel like they’d love big outdoor concert venues and underground shows a lot. Like huge edm festivals where you dress up in wild outfits. Jin would love that type of free spirit energy that’s bold in the face of adversity. But I still think he wants them to look “presentable” for lack of a better word, in front of family at least for show but they’re actually a freak tbh.

What is his love language the dark lady reversed 20, epoch 7

Since he spends a lot of time occupying himself with his career and the outer world, his love language is quality time but moreso a nice meal at home with someone he loves, soft blankets nice music, phones on silent and away from the stresses of life

Random Ramblings: Bruh I am not satisfied with this reading lol My mind went blank idk why. With the other readings it was easy af and flowed. But I think I was overthinking for this one, it took me several days to do this shit like I could not relax at all. But then again I’m probably too hard on myself cause I’m never satisfied with my readings.

[neurotic-crackhead-trash-panda]

Cold and Alone, Laying in My Own Sweat

when the pandemic hit I had the absolutely brilliant idea to have my girlfriend at the time move in.  She was in a real tough situation at home and we’re both adults despite still living with our parents and my mom didn’t mind having her around so why not.  One thing led to another and we were out on our own, not permanently but house sitting for a family friend, and I got so used to just skin on skin, every night, for a year.  The same person I had come to know and love over the course of a year and change, but of course as time passes things rot, and the sweetest of things always attracts flies, decay, disgust.  I find that disgust in myself sometimes, especially now as I lay in my old bed in my childhood home, alone with too much space.  I’ve always been oddly specific about temperature, my body’s just really sensitive generally because I’m shit at taking care of myself but that’s besides the point.  I sleep fine once I’m asleep, but getting comfortable is beyond difficult because I always need some very precise amount of coverage or I’ll overheat and wake up in my own sweat.  Tonight was one of those nights, I smoked before midnight and knocked out around 1, woke up around two because of a loud noise outside and felt my back was wet and the sheet under me were damp.  I tried snuggling into the pillow I use to simulate someone there with me, and the weed made me especially focused on how it really almost felt like a leg was wrapped between mine, but my stomach was cold.  The fire in my belly burnt out and the coals dying as the lose heat to the freezing snow now gathering in my mind,  Thoughts becoming fluttery as and bracing, struggling to keep my eyes open as I feel the ac blowing in my face, I could’ve sworn I was trekking across Siberia.  Recently I’ve been writing more to try and vent due to all the personal isolation, living pretty much alone in a decent size home that once was a warzone, but at least there was family.  Now all I can tell you about this place is the how dusty the cold tiles under my feet remind me of walking through snow.  Anyway, I spent a few minutes just typing to my heart’s content (seems that didn’t quite work by account of the word count here) and if you’ve gotten this far you might as well read some more senseless over indulgent crap, so thanks for reading and I hope you like what you see . . . if its all just a farce nought but shit ffrom an arse then make it an art don't make it a dream, those you'll always forget and don't pass up your passions and live in regret but fulfill your soul, die sans spiritual debts find you a muse whose home's in the stars who shares with you their soul, y'know vibes in the car putting on tunes grabbing green from a jar but this too shall pass, just a blip, random noise remember the key is to always stay poised and maintain contentment, only then search for joy thanks again, come again, and have a nice time while you can

[littlemisslol-fic]

Varigo week continues!!! @alistairwrites these prompts are so fun omg

Day Two: First Kiss 😘😘

They said that if you wanted a favor, you could always go ask the Witch of the Iron Wood.

 Varian’s sure it’s bullshit, of course it is. Witches aren’t real- the only magic that he’s ever come across is from artifacts and space rocks; things that, no matter how you looked at it, are already goddamn weird to start with. Magic is just a type of power they have yet to harness, something celestial and ancient- but within the parameters of science.

 He’s never believed the rumours, that if you went to the woods bordering Corona and the Iron Kingdom and walked so deep into the woods you risked getting lost, you might come across the esteemed witch. For a price, they said, the witch would grant you a single wish and be done with you. Your debt would be paid, and you’d wake up in your own bed without a clue as to how you got there, with your wish fulfilled. Varian’s never believed it, never wanted to believe it- he’s a man of science, damn it, and he’ll stick to science, thank you very much.

 But…

 Then his dad had gotten sick.

 Something in Quirin’s lungs- potentially too many cold mornings working in the field, maybe too long trapped in the amber, or perhaps just a stroke of bad luck- had festered and eaten away at him, leaving the man nearly bedridden in a matter of weeks. Varian, only twenty, had been forced to listen as the doctor recommended that Quirin start writing an airtight will, just in case, to assure that Varian would be taken care of in case… in case Quirin didn’t make it.

 Varian had worked himself into a tizzy, refusing to leave his father’s side, brewing medicine and other alchemical solutions in an attempt to find a cure, a fix-it, something, anything, to save his father. But nothing had worked, and Varian was at his wits end.

 So when someone had spoken of their own failed trek to find the witch, Varian- desperate as he was- had packed a bag and started running.

 It was a long shot, longer than he liked to think, but if there was even a semblance of a chance that this Witch of the Iron Wood could help his father… then Varian was willing to try. So he’d packed a bag, left his father in the competent care of Old Corona’s best physician, and had started the three-day trek to the Iron Wood.

 The forest was ancient, and it wore its years well. Grand trees stood nearly thirty meters tall, gnarled and drooping with ivy and vines, covered every inch of the woods in a way that suffocated light and sound. Standing at the threshold Varian had nearly turned back- what good was he to his father if he ended up lost in the woods… or dead?- but the memory of Quirin’s pale face and limp chest spurred him forwards, allowing the woods to swallow him whole.

 He’d wandered for a two days, tripping over twisted roots and sleeping in trees to keep himself away from curious wildlife. It’s on the third day, when Varian’s well and truly lost, that he stumbles upon the cabin. It’s plain, humble. well kept but obviously old in the way the creeping ivy had grown close around the building, digging deep into the stone over the course of years.

 It's set in a small clearing, surrounded by a lush garden of herbs and plants Varian has no name for- he’s never been one for the apothecary side of the sciences- and a prim, well built fence. It’s a modest cabin, made of cobblestone and thick wooden timbers, with a single chimney merrily spitting a small plume of smoke. The windows are large, and Varian can catch sight of rows of plants poking out from under the curtains inside.

 The cabin is warm, inviting.

 Suspicious.

 Varian approaches with caution, walking forwards with a tenseness to his shoulders. He can’t be sure if this the cabin, or just a cabin, but it’s best to approach as if it were a trap- better to be wrong and look strange, than be too casual and end up dead. Birdsong rings through the calm clearing; sunlight beams down in shining pillars that sets the grass aglow. He doesn’t trust it for a second.

 There’s a little stone path that leads up to the front door. Varian follows it with a measured step, ignoring the happy little bees that gently float between the flowers. For all he knows, this is a trap. The Witch of the Iron Wood could be a con artist, a thief, hell, even an actual witch who wasn’t super into the idea of helping people so much as sacrificing them for weird witch-spells.

 Magic bullshit. Can’t be too careful.

 Still, Varian wasn’t raised in a barn; when he reaches the oak front door he still knocks like a normal person, and waits for an answer. It doesn’t come. Curiously, he raises his hand to knock against the old door again, only for the door to swing wide open by itself with a long, drawn out creak of old hinges.

 “Oh, that’s creepy.” Varian mutters to himself, peeking into the dark interior of the cabin beyond. “Super creepy.”

 He peeks behind himself, looking back down the path with a grimace. He could just turn around, go home… but then what if Quirin wasn’t improving? What if he was worse, and Varian had turned away from an option to save him because he was scared? Varian’s hands clench at the thought, so tightly he can feel his nails through his gloves. He turns back around and gazes into the darkness in front of him.

 Teeth grit, Varian walks forwards into the cabin.

 The interior of the building is just as well maintained as the exterior. The room Varian steps into is a great room of some sort, a larger space with a small kitchen pushed to the side and a series of mismatched, but well loved, couches and chairs surrounding a large fireplace in the very center of the room. Hanging above the fireplace is a large cauldron, filled to the brim with a smoking, bright purple concoction. The light from outside filters through the wall of plants Varian had noticed while outside, keeping the interior relatively dark.

 “This place just keeps getting creepier,” Varian grumbles into the empty air, approaching the cauldron with hesitant steps.

 “Well, thank you, I built it myself.” Comes a snarky voice from behind, startling Varian into flinging himself forwards, hiding behind the cast iron cauldron. For a brief second, he considers making a break for the door-

 Which slams shut of its own accord.

 Perfect.

 Varian risks a peek up and over the edge of the cauldron, the steam hazing his vision over as he crouches on the floorboards. Before him stands a blond man, looking at Varian with an expectant expression. It tugs at his pale face in an attractive way, tilts his glasses askew in a way that compliments the choppy blond hair and pony tail the taller boy sports. He’s dressed in green, a similar shade to his honestly stunning eyes and-

 Wow. Wow okay time to tone that down.

 Varian peeks over the lip of the cauldron a little more, sizing the taller man up. The other stands between Varian and the door, he’d have to get around him to get out-

 “So, what is it that you want?” The blond asks, and Varian realizes how out of place he is.

 “I- sorry!” Varian crows, stepping back from the cauldron as if it’d burnt him. “Sorry, the door was open, and I’m actually looking for someone that lives out here, and-”

 “Listen.” Blondie cuts him off. “I know that you’re here to ask your favour, so. What is it? Gold, immortality, love? I don’t have all day, spit it out.”

 “I-”

 “Wait, no, I bet you I can guess. You look like a nerd, something to do with fame? Glory?”

 “No!”

 Blondie raises a brow. There’s a brief second of pause, before Varian finally fully creeps out from behind the cauldron. He takes a breath. For dad, he thinks.

 “My name is Varian,” He starts. The blond man raises a brow, looking rather confused to be given a name. “What’s yours?”

 “H-Hugo.” The blond stutters a bit, like he wasn’t ready to be asked that. Varian smiles.

 “Hugo,” He repeats. “Nice to meet you. Are you the one everyone’s been calling a witch?”

 “Sure am.” Hugo replies, taking a step forward. Varian feels his face light up, even as he’s passed by in lieu of the cauldron. Hugo begins to stir the liquid, looking at it judgementally. He twists around towards one of the plants on the windowsill, plucking a leaf off it and tossing it in. The mixture goes a shade of green, not unlike pea soup.

 “Great!” Varian chirps, “I was wondering if you’d be able to help me?”

 “Yeah, your wish, right?” Hugo mutters, “That’s all anyone ever cares about. So what is it you want?”

 “I- that’s a little sad.” Varian says, “No one ever just visits you?”

 “Nope,” Hugo says, popping the p. “And neither did you, so spit it out.”

 “My… my father is sick.” Varian finally says, looking to the floor. “I’ve tried everything I can think of to help him get better, but nothing works.”

 Hugo pauses in his stirring, looking back to Varian with a calculating look. “You realize you could ask for anything, right?” He says, “Eternal life, endless fortune, riches beyond your wildest dreams.”

 “I didn’t think that was real.” Varian replies, frankly. “I thought you would just be a skilled healer. That’s all I was looking for.”

 “Just medicine.” Hugo says, as if he thinks it’s a joke. His face twists into something confused when Varian nods.

 “Just medicine.” The shorter of them says with conviction. “Nothing else. Whatever your price is, I’ll pay it; I just want my father to be well again.”

 Hugo looks to Varian like he’s grown a second head. Varian looks at him with a schooled expression, choking back the anxiety boiling in his gut. If this didn’t work, if this Hugo couldn’t help him, then Quirin would surely not have long left-

 “Fine.” Hugo says, “I think that’s a stupid wish, but who am I to stop you from throwing it away?”

 Varian’s expression must do something stupid, because Hugo laughs. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” He mutters, reaching forwards towards Varian with a grin. The shorter of them feels his face heat up in a blush, going red at their sudden closeness, but winces when Hugo reaches up and tugs a single strand of hair from his hair.

 “Ow,” Varian whines, rubbing at the spot the hair had been tugged from. “Why’d you do that?”

 “Ingredients.” Hugo chides, “And unless you’re going to stop asking stupid questions, you can go wait outside.”

 Varian pauses at that, quietly taking a seat on one of the chairs. Hugo looks at him with another questioning expression, but eventually the blond shrugs. “Suit yourself.” He mutters, and goes back to his work.

 Varian watches with rapt attention as herbs and other ingredients get tossed into the cauldron in precise amounts, the mixture going every colour of the rainbow over the next hour. Hugo works quickly, focused on his… potion? Elixir? Varian’s not sure what to call it actually. While Varian keeps from asking questions, that doesn’t stop him from watching with a keen eye as the mixture continues to bubble. After an hour, it eventually turns a rather pleasant shade of lilac purple and stops smoking. Hugo looks smug about it, so Varian assumes the mixture must be finished.

 Hugo takes a small pipette from a nearby shelf of strange looking glass instruments- Varian would kill to be able to know what they all did, though Hugo doesn’t seem apt to share- and uses the tool to transfer some of the mixture into a small, glass vial. He does this three more times, making a total of four, before placing them into a small bag.

 “And done.” Hugo says, more to himself than to Varian. He twists around with a smarmy grin, holding the bag out. Varian looks at it with a sense of wonderous apprehension, reaching out a hand but stopping himself before he can touch the crushed red velvet. He stands from the couch, pursing his lips.

 “What’s the trade?” He asks without malice, but with a hefty amount of suspicion. Hugo’s smile draws wider, and Varian brings his hand fully back to his chest. Always a catch, with magic, something cynical in him groans, absolute bullshit.

 “Well,” Hugo muses, “There’s always things that I need from around, though to be honest I’m pretty stocked up on anything I could want.”

 “Surely there’s something?” Varian says with a hint of panic- Hugo wouldn’t make the stupid potion only to refuse to trade Varian for it, right? The previous anxiety rears its head again; stupid magic, honestly, always being so contrived.

 “There is one thing,” Hugo muses, eyes trailing on Varian’s face. The shorter man feels himself blush again as Hugo steps close, cupping his chin in a way that feels scarily intimate for someone he’s only just met. “One, tiny thing…” Hugo says, trailing off. Varian can’t help but feel a little thrill, pressing closer, unconsciously, to the extremely attractive man in front of him.

 “Anything.” Varian says with a small grin of his own, having half an idea of where Hugo might be going with this from the way the blond’s gaze lingers on Varian’s own lips. He’s not against it, not at all; Varian’s not the type, usually, but something about the blond in front of him draws him in. Hugo’s smile widens at the permission, leaning forwards.

 It’s a chaste kiss, a little too soft and sweet for strangers, but one that Varian can say he enjoys. He’s never been kissed before, but if this is what it’s like- the smooth press of lips against his own, the soft feeling of a body pressed up against his front- suddenly all those romantic ballads make a lot more sense.

 Varian’s eyes slip closed, barely registering as the bag is slipped into his hands. After what could be hours, or merely seconds, Hugo pulls back. Varian keeps his eyes closed, hoping to entice the blond to come back and kiss him again.

 “Have your father drink that twice a day, every twelve hours.” Hugo says, his tone somewhat sad. When Varian opens his eyes again, he is standing in his bedroom, alone. He brings up a dazed hand to lightly touch at his lips, blinking in shock.

 The sudden silence rings in his ears.  

 BANNER

 “Well, Olivia.” Hugo says to his beloved pet, “Another few hours to go, and then we’ll break for dinner.”

 He’s out in his garden, weeding. Nimble, long fingers deftly pull undesirable plants from his herbs, tossing them into a nearby pile. Oliva, small little mouse that she is, does her own work of yanking out the smaller plants, working on her own pile. Hugo smiles as she chirps her assent at his idea, plopping a rogue dandelion on her pile with a squeak.

 It had been nearly a week since Varian had come to ask for his favour from Hugo- the blond couldn’t help but miss his company, to be honest. After the few hours they’d spent together, Hugo found himself to be a little enamoured. Hugo’s had dealt with every thrill seeker in the book, those who came to his cabin demanding fame, or glory, or riches, but he’d yet to encounter someone who had been so willing to make the dangerous walk to Hugo’s home for the sake of a family member. Varian had asked his name before asking for his help, had commented that it was sad that no one visited him. He’d been… genuine. Nice. Treated Hugo’s skills like they were less something to be demanded, and more like a gift to be asked for. He had been sweet, and it made something in Hugo bitter.

 It was a lonely life, out in the woods, but a peaceful one. Hugo was willing to live alone if it meant he was mostly left to his own devices, though times like when Varian had arrived, he couldn’t help but feel the sting of the isolation creeping in. Perhaps that was why he’d asked for the kiss, though now Hugo felt rather stupid about it. What else could he have asked from Varian? Something more useful for sure. Supplies, food, anything really to save him a walk. But instead his stupid brain had seen a pretty boy and gone totally blank. Hugo can’t help but be a little concerned at that- if he started giving things out for free, he’d surely be in trouble when winter rolled around. 

 Oliva squeaked again, this time something that sounded concerned. Hugo looked up from his plot of dirt to see her rush over to him, the little mouse scrambling up his shirt to perch on his shoulder. He looked up to where she had come from, seeing a familiar figure standing on the edge of the grove.

 “Hi, Hugo!” Varian said with a grin, holding up a small basket. “I was wondering if you wanted some company?”

 Hugo… short circuits. “What?” He asks dumbly as Varian walks towards him. The shorter man pauses at the gate, his face asking to be let in. Hugo nods, still stunned as Varian- Varian had come back????- lets himself in and strides over to Hugo with a smile.

 “Well, you said no one ever came to visit.” Varian said softly, “So I thought I’d change that.”

 “You… don’t want anything?” Hugo asks, struck stupid.

 “Well, I mean, I want to talk to you.” Varian flushes, biting at his lip. “And I wanted to thank you. And so does my dad! He helped me make this for you.” Varian shoves the basket at Hugo with a sudden motion, as if embarrassed to have it now that he’s dragged it all the way here.

 “He’s doing better, then?” Hugo says, taking the basket without thinking. It’s got some weight to it. A peek under the lid shows about four loaves of fresh bread, tucked away and kept good by a thick towel.

 “Much, thank you.” Varian says earnestly, “He was up and walking the day after I came to see you.”

 “That’s good.” Hugo muses, lost in thought. No one had ever come back to see him after they’d gotten their wish, let alone to thank him and bring him another gift.

 Varian nods with a smile, one that’s bright and happier than the one he’d worn before. Hugo likes it on him. “It’s fantastic.” He breathes, “I owe you more than you could ever know.”

 “Nah, we’re even.” Hugo says, flushing at the memory of Varian’s lips on his. “Your debt’s been paid.”

 “Oh,” Varian says, looking sideways. “Well, I mean, if you’re sure you don’t want to- uh. Again. Never mind.”

 Oh.

 Oh.

 “Hm.” Hugo muses, catching on quick, “Actually, you know, I think something went wrong the first time.” 

 Varian perks up at that, looking to Hugo with a small grin. “Oh?” He asks, “Should we- maybe…”

 “Sorry, goggles.” Hugo shrugs, leaning forwards, “Looks like we’ll need a second payment.”

 “Aw, shucks.” Varian rolls his eyes, leaning forwards with a smirk, “Whatever am I going to do?”

 “Eh, we’ll figure it out. Put you on a repayment plan.” Hugo grins, teasing for just a second more before Varian grabs him by the collar and drags Hugo down into a fiery kiss, their smiles melding together in the quiet of the grove. When they split for air, Varian smiles.

 “I can live with that,” He says, and Hugo can feel the grin splitting his face as he leans back down.

 Their third kiss is the best one yet.

[kevv]

a goodbye letter- abandoning current social media

i'm not the best at writing out my thoughts. forgive me if this feels scrambled and scraped together. my best friend, Fox, once said in abridged words; "it takes two to play out an abandonment fantasy, one to have it, and the other to follow suit".

i've known several handfuls of people who fear abandonment, or more specifically, being the one abandoned; scared that one day everyone in their life will take leave. and sometimes, like a self-fulfilling prophecy, they do. they leave in mass exodus, set into motion by one person who wants to set-forth their own abandonment fantasy– abandoning everyone else.

for me, my own fear of abandonment is not anyone abandoning me, i'm unbothered by people entering my life and leaving of their own accord; i'm scared i'll be the one to abandon everyone in my life. because i have. several times. i still do, even. i'll meet people in my lifetime that i loved harder than the universe itself, a deep love so terrifying i feel that it'll demolish cities and townships, friends and lovers and found-family. my skin will buzz and blaze alight with such an intense fear, a fear that i will ruin them and everything they are so i must run. it's unfounded, but it drives me away, and i fight tooth and nail to get to that escape route for those who won't let me leave quietly, until it ends in disaster. it's my own abandonment fantasy. i recall once, an ex-lover wanted me to stay. tried to lock the door and toss away the key, and said it hurt that i wanted an out. so i caused problems until i could break out through the window. not being allowed an option to leave made me feel like a feral, caged animal; because in the end, that's all i am. i hadn't done it on purpose. the need to escape everything had been there months prior. the events leading up to it had been fuzzy at best, sickly at worst, and i had been spoonfed misinformation. not on purpose, not in malicious intent, but still it struck genuine fear in my heart. like a feral animal, i want the option to roam. to come and go as i please. i can't be kept, i just want the trust that i'll find my way back eventually. if i feel contained, i scratch and bite until i'm released. but if you hold out your hand and wait patiently, i'll come to you. but don't ask me to stay. please don't ask me to stay. there's a lot that lead up to this current migration. the inability to be allowed to stand on my own two-feet and exist as just purely Kevin, not adjacent to someone, was a big one. still to this day i am asked about a youtuber i am no longer affiliated with by my own choice. i don't like attention, it's something i've said to her, said to many, and why i chose to never appear in her videos. which seems contradictory for an artist who posts on social media and previously did all of her older channel art. but maybe now i'm realizing that truthfully, i wanted recognition for me, not for others or for who i made myself sick in order to create content for. it's inescapable. i harbor no hard feelings anymore, i understand i was in the peak of my codependency and was willing to ruin myself for the benefit of another. to run myself broke and dry because at 19 years old i was still a child who didn't know how to handle the extent of his emotions. i want to apologize to penny. neither of us are really blameless, but we were inexperienced and young– still young. it's easy to not know what we're doing, to unintentionally take advantage of someone who was willing to burn themselves to give you warmth, or to latch onto an unfounded rumor and bare my teeth. i hope you're doing well, and i'm sorry. i'd like to give you a proper apology one day, when i'm more ready. that day is not today. sometimes i feel like there are four people living inside my brain, all with dissenting opinions and voices that i can't tell who i am anymore. i feel like i'm constantly contradicting myself because i don't know what my own thoughts are. i don't know who i am anymore. i don't know who i am anymore because i'm several different people all trying to be "kevin", all with different beliefs that go against a previous one. i prematurely deleted my twitter account for this reason, i couldn't stand a second more of being in a toxicity cycle i had previously taken part in, because sometimes that's all social media is. it's very... Online. i want to be one, unified person. whose thoughts and feelings are unadulterated by others surrounding him. additionally, there's the elephant in the room. some have already guessed it, suspected it, saw something like it coming from miles away. but for others who have known me for the past decade, it might be a surprise. someone once told me that words have power, and while at the time i disagreed, i'm starting to understand what she meant now. i've been afraid to speak it into existence, because it means it's real, and coming to terms with this unavoidable truth is a terrifying experience, one i need to face and stop running away from. 

i'm detransitioning. giving life to this phrase doesn't make me feel any better. words have power, and that power is to make me crumble and break. since as early as 4 years old, i felt as if i was born a boy who was just being raised as a girl. at 12 was when i learned about and started identifying as transgender. at 18 i legally changed my name. for a decade, i lived as a transgender man. i've mentioned this before, but i'm intersex. i have an androgen insensitivity syndrome. what this means is that androgens, male sex hormones, have no effect on me. they instantly are reconverted back into estrogen by my body. this has been a reoccurring nightmare of mine since i was 14, and having it become my reality is.. heartbreaking, to say the least, crushing a lifetime of dreams and wishes. i've tried testosterone, self-medicated in my teen years, and "officially" more recently. it has no effect on me. a friend of mine says i shouldn't give up hope until i properly see an endocrinologist about HRT, but the reality is– i know my body, and i know my condition. i don't grow body hair, and my body cannot masculinize. these are unavoidable truths. i don't need to spend hundreds of dollars to be told what i already know. HRT will not affect me; i will never be able to transition. any attempt will become a scientific study in which i'm a guinea pig. i don't want that. i will never pass for male. my voice is high, my body is undoubtably female, my face is feminine, and i'm 4'11". it's disheartening and i've shed many tears over it. for what feels like my whole life, i've longed for SRS/GRS, top surgery, a deeper voice, and a couple inches of height. i ache for body hair, masculine fat redistribution, and male pattern baldness. all the good and the bad associated with testosterone is what i so desperately yearn for with such a soul-crushing depravity. i am genuinely heartbroken. maybe it's my punishment for all the bad things i've believed in or done. it's what i'd deserve, i guess. this punishment. it is for those reasons that i feel like i can no longer find comfort in identifying as ftm, to struggle seeing myself as a man. it's crazy, i've referred to myself as male since early childhood, and now that i'm coming to terms with my intersex condition am i feeling wrong in every conceivably way of identity. truthfully, i don't even identify as anything anymore. i'm not nonbinary, cis, or i guess trans. i feel as if i just exist. i just am. you can still call me kevin. it's my name, my legal name– which i love to point out. i'm not changing it. it's the first time i made a decision purely for myself, and went through with it. i love my name. i don't think i will love anything about myself quite like my name. i chose it when i was 12, it was my first choice. i never wanted another name. i still don't. but i like nicknames, particularly kitty and K-K. you can call me those too. these have always been options available. i reiterate– i really like being called nicknames. (: you can still use male pronouns for me. i never minded being "misgendered" because, well, i never passed, and i made peace with that years and years ago. while being called she/her or otherwise will probably always leave a stale taste in my mouth, i've learned to accept the reality of what i am a long time ago. biologically female. you can still use male identifiers for me, like husband or boyfriend or whatever other male terms there are...... actually you'll have to pry those out of my cold dead hands. i will not accept being called a "girlfriend" i will literally go feral and foam at the mouth and bite your ankles until you take it back. there's comfort in these things that i'm not ready to let go of, and frankly, i don't think i'll ever feel ready to. moving forward, i don't really know what i'm going to do. right now i'm taking a break from the internet, so i can soul-search and truly find myself, in all senses of the word and every iteration that it can be built upon. i'll make a new twitter account when i'm ready to, probably. there's a lot more i want to say, to add onto this in addendum, and pour so much of myself into this until it spills out the sides and trickles down into tiny cracks. but truthfully, i don't know how to say it. i don't know its relevancy to this eulogy of an account, and quite honestly, there are still some things i can't find myself able to say. to speak into existence. to give power to those words. admitting aloud to a 6-year long love that burnt like candles catching a home on fire was intense enough (hi Charlotte it's you, it's you and it's always been you and everyone knows this). so maybe i'd rather keep some things to myself, perhaps. preferably. so i guess that's it. i've bared my heart and soul and skin and bones to whoever will read this piece of myself. it's the end to katidoj, one that's been a longtime coming. i've never been very good at staying in one place for very long. please take care, i love you. and i'll miss you. a piece of my heart left with you, here buried deep in this account. (pressing the submit button has never been so hard in my life.)

[olivcrfm]

oliver & margo’s playlist @ofmargos IN THE PRESENT WITH YOU.

I’m sitting on the balcony of my college dorm, and I see her. She’s carrying a heavy box, but she has the biggest dorky smile on her face. I wasn’t sure if I was in love with her before, but I am now.

campus by vampire weekend --- “i wake up my shoulders cold i've got to leave here before i go i pull my shirt on walk out the door drag my feet along the floor i pull my shirt on walk out the door drag my feet along the floor then i see you you're walking cross the campus cruel professor studying romances how am i supposed to pretend i never want to see you again? how am i supposed to pretend i never want to see you again?”

diane young by vampire weekend --- “nobody knows what the future holds on said it's bad enough just getting old live my life, they say it's too fast you know i love the past, 'cause i hate suspense if diane young won't change your mind baby baby baby baby right on time.”

nancy from now on by father john misty --- “ooh, flowers and bows milk and honey flow just a couple states below ooh oh, hook me up to the tank and roll me to the door i'm going where my body leads me i can fend for myself with what looks i have left i'll put away a few and pretty soon i'll be breaking things i have of you.”

take a walk by passion pit --- “all these kinds of places make it seem like it's been ages tomorrow's sun with buildings scrape the sky i love this country dearly i can feel the lighter clearly but never thought i'd be alone to try.”

mykonos by fleet foxes --- “the door slammed loud and rose up a cloud of dust on us footsteps follow, down through the hollow sound, torn up and you will go to mykonos with a vision of a gentle coast and a sun to maybe dissipate shadows of the mess you made.”

down in the valley by the head and the heart --- “call it one drink too many call it pride of a man but it don't make no difference if you sit or you stand 'cause they both end in trouble and start with a grin yeah they both end in trouble and start with a grin we do it over and over and over again.”

the girl by city and colour --- “i wish i could do better by you 'cause that's what you deserve you sacrifice so much of your life in order for this to work while i'm off chasing my own dreams sailing around the world please, know that i'm yours to keep my beautiful girl when you cry a piece of my heart dies knowing that i may have been the cause if you were to leave, fulfill someone else's dreams i think i might totally be lost you don't ask for no diamond rings no delicate string of pearls that's why i wrote this song to sing my beautiful girl.”

all i want by passion pit --- “all i want are hooks to hang your flowers from and paper to write letters on 'cause you're all i ever have, it's all i'll ever have when we wake up you engulf me in your love waking up is always still, it's all i'll ever have, it's all i'll ever have and all you need is someone new she's what you can't see the things you think you'll never be that's all i'll ever have, it's all i'll ever have i get the notion that i'm almost there i get the notion that we're getting closer and with one motion it could all go wrong if i'm emotional it'll ruin it all.”

she moves in her own way by the kooks --- “so at my show on monday i was hoping someday you'd be on your way to better things it's not about your make-up or how you try to shape up to these tiresome paper dreams paper dreams honey so now you pour your heart out you're telling me you're far out not about to lie down for your cause but you don't pull my strings 'cause i'm a better man moving on to better things well, uh-oh, oh, i love her because she moves in her own way well, uh-oh, oh, she came to my show just to hear about my day.”

first day of my life by bright eyes --- “this is the first day of my life swear i was born right in the doorway i went out in the rain, suddenly everything changed they're spreading blankets on the beach yours was the first face that i saw i think i was blind before i met you and i don't know where i am, i don't know where i've been but i know where i want to go and so i'd thought i'd let you know yeah, these things take forever, i especially am slow but i realized that need you and i wondered if i could come home.”

green eyes by coldplay --- “honey you are a rock upon which i stand and i come here to talk i hope you understand that green eyes yeah the spotlight, shines upon you and how could anybody deny you i came here with a load and it feels so much lighter now i met you and honey you should know that i could never go on without you green eyes honey you are the sea upon which i float and i came here to talk i think you should know that green eyes you're the one that i wanted to find and anyone who tried to deny you must be out of their mind.”

40 day dream by edward sharpe --- “i been sleepin' for 40 days and i know i'm sleeping 'cause this dream's too amazin' she got gold doorknobs where her eyes used to be one turn and i learned what it really means to see ah, it's the magical mystery kind ah, must be a lie bye bye to the too good to be true kind of love oh, i could die oh now i can die oh i've been sleepin' for 60 days and nobody better pinch me bitch i swear i'll go crazy she got jumper cable lips she got sunset on her breath now i inhaled just a little bit now i got no fear of death now.”

when my time comes by dawes --- “so i pointed my fingers and shouted few quotes i knew, as if something that's written should be taken as true. but every path i had taken and conclusion i drew would put truth back under the knife. and now the only piece of advice that continues to help is anyone that's making anything new only breaks something else.”

where are you now by mumford & sons --- “it came to the end it seems you had heard. as we walked the city streets, you never said a word. when we finally sat down your eyes were full of spite. i was desperate, i was weak i could not put up a fight. but where are you now? where are you now? do you ever think of me in the quiet, in the crowd?”

ho hey by the lumineers --- “i belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart i belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart love we, need it now let's hope, for some 'cause oh, we're bleedin' out.”

m79 by vampire weekend --- “it's gonna take a little time while you're waiting like a factory line i'll ride across the park backseat on the 79 wasted days you've come to pass so go, i know you would not stay it wasn't true, but anyway pollination, yellow cab.”

giving up the gun by vampire weekend --- “your sword's grown old and rusty burnt beneath the rising sun it's locked up like a trophy forgetting all the things it's done  and though it's been a long time you're right back where you started from i see it in your eyes that now you're giving up the gun.”

ends of the earth by lord huron --- “out there's a land that time don't command wanna be the first to arrive no time for ponderin' why i'm-a wanderin' not while we're both still alive to the ends of the earth, would you follow me there's a world that was meant for our eyes to see to the ends of the earth, would you follow me if you will have a say my goodbyes to me.”

all the pretty girls by kaleo --- “all alone, alone again no one lends a helping hand i have waited, i have waited takes it's toll, my foolish pride how long before i see the light i have waited, i have waited for you to lay me down.”

there she goes by the la's --- “there she goes there she goes again racing through my brain and i just can't contain this feeling that remains there she blows there she blows again pulsing through my veins and i just can't contain this feeling that remains.”

simple as this by james bugg --- “tried absolution of the mind and soul it only led me where i should not go oh and the answer well, how could i miss something as simple as this? something as simple as this? i've been falling crashing breaking and all the while you were stood here waiting for me girl.”

falling slowly by glen hansard --- “i don't know you but i want you all the more for that words fall through me and always fool me and i can't react and games that never amount to more than they're meant will play themselves out take this sinking boat and point it home we've still got time raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice you'll make it now falling slowly, eyes that know me and i can't go back and moods that take me and erase me and i'm painted black well, you have suffered enough and warred with yourself it's time that you won.”

[hellobengski]

In Another World: Japan 2019

Maybe to love is to learn – and learning Japan for quite some time is just beautiful with all its chaotic yet fulfilling desire at heart.

December is the season for family and friends and having to spend it another country again is different – a very memorable one. It is such a good grace of embracing new culture from a 5 hour trip  away from home – living a temporary life, what it’s like to live in a world where everything seemed to be provided. The place itself is an art, where you can experience the calmness of the streets although I had to enjoy the freezing weather in which I was forced to wear almost four layers of clothing, including multiple heat packs to keep us going along the way. Nevertheless, Japan has its own way of welcoming you to the best possible ways it could offer, making exceptional memories of more than a dream.

Japan is in the top of my bucket list yet the very least to make it happen when I was younger. Given that it’s expensive, it requires you to apply for visa in which chosen people are only given the opportunity to process it. Maybe timing wasn’t for us then hence watching anime films was an alternative way to feel it. Japanese characters itself with perfectly triangular shaped faces used to be my hidden desire, like there’s something mystical about their personalities. And maybe timing could be right too. It could be right when the High Power allows you – specifically when you’re ready.

I have no idea what to hate in a place where it appears to be perfect. Utopia, as what they say. I went with a group of twenty people with various ages and personalities so there were two things that needed to be considered in this trip; to conform and to be patient. I have watched some documentaries, travel vlogs, and even movies like Hachiko to prepare myself with an expectant heart.

From there, I know Japan would lead us to wander and be lost.

Upon arriving in Japan, our group was picked up by huge sized black colored van including drivers who were definitely dressed well with their coat and tuxedo. We were late. And there is something wrong with that. It’s a bad Impression for Japanese people to be late since time is valuable – unless you have reasonable excuses. The tension was starting to fire up so I decided to apologise. The family did too. During the one-hour travel from Narita Airport to the first place where we stayed, I was mesmerized. The overwhelming emotions from visual presentations turned into reality. Maybe this is love, like seeing a person for the first time letting your head turn into 360.

Fallen leaves, chirping crows, and whistling of the winds. So this is winter – I have never felt this in my life. It surprised me as I was enjoying the giant automatic buildings. We toured several of Tokyo’s places, all of which had their own unique culture.

I experienced the towering skyscrapers and offices of Shinjuku and the shopping and pop culture of Harajuku. I learned how diverse Tokyo was: three blocks from the Tokyo Skytree, an observation tower that symbolizes Japan’s cutting-edge technology; Asakusa, an ancient Buddhist shrine where people prayed under enormous red lanterns and burnt incense for their ancestors. I noticed that this dramatic juxtaposition between the old and the new is what most characterized Japan: pop culture and technology contrasted yet blended with traditional customs and culture. While polar opposites of each other, these two aspects of Japan coexisted in perfect harmony. I believe that harmony sends an important message: you do not need to disregard the old in order to embrace the new. It is possible to honor and accept both.

And the bikes were electronic. I grew up learning how to ride a bike but never got the chance to do it in Japan. Maybe if I was just a solo traveler, I could use it to explore the clean roads.

Every train is a safe space.

With Haruki Murakami’s novel Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage, fragments of imagination have conveyed my emotions to become a fan of train stations. I have seen some parts of myself through Tsukuru, how darkness made him feel as an empty person, lacking in color and identity. He was real to me. From millions of people that passed through me, he could’ve been there. That’s when I started to love the train stations even more.

They are always on time– and of course, a delay of even just one minute will result in profuse apologies from the conductor. Train stations are always staffed with employees who are ready to answer your questions and do so very well. Though we weren’t able to ride city buses, I believe they’re also great though I wasn’t sure if we can pay their fares with the same card we used to ride the train.

I have seen people coming in and out of the trains, like every person has its own story of why they needed to ride the train. On Tuesday, I remember some old man trying to stop his son from crying. On Friday night, I smelled ginger flavored beer from Japanese employees who just got off from work from Shibuya station. I liked the smell, it didn’t make me feel that I was in danger. Probably weekends are for Filipinos, like Saturday, who came all the way from Grandberry mall outlet to purchase almost half price of some original brands that are dying for.

It is just solely convenient. There were convenience stores that are open 24 hours a day and you can simply find one just about anywhere. We found some food, basic toiletry items and magazines. Another thing that’s a go-to in Japan is the vending machines. Vending machines are even more common than convenience stores, and you can find one by just walking a block or two. Most of them just sell drinks like water, coffee, tea, juice and soda. They’re usually quite cheap (100 yen at the cheapest), and you can get them hot in the winter or cold in the summer.

I personally bought drinks from vending machines almost all the time and they were worth it. And the food, oh the food. Japanese don’t have the highest life expectancy in the world for no reason. Never in my life have I tasted the best apple pie in the world until Japan let me. From its first bite down to last, it was beyond my ultimatum. No words could express it.

Even so with Ramen after a whole exhausting day, the warm soup with its perfect texture of noodles satisfied us. I believe that every food regardless if it’s in the streets or in a luxurious restaurant was served with love. They would want to make you feel like you deserve to be well treated with a quality of food that they could offer you.

Some things in life are too complicated to explain in any language but in Japan, it has brought me to both --- tranquility and complexity. The demeanor of place demanded me to breathe. It gave me the power of wanting to be alone, looking back to nostalgic feelings that I felt and decisions I have made in my life.

Until another Utopian world took me to the fun and excitement part --- Tokyo’s Disneysea, the most brilliant story world’s ever created: a living ode to Walt Disney’s love for storytelling, world-building, and lovable characters. You see, Disney isn’t just made of Story Worlds – it’s also a story world in itself, and its star is Mickey remains the most iconic character ever drawn. Mickey belongs exclusively to the world of Disney; his presence invokes the idea that all of these smaller story worlds are part of something bigger, something uniquely magical. Mickey Mouse is the linchpin to the whole operation. He’s the reminder that Disneyland is more than the sum of its parts – it’s an experience unto itself.

Ultimately, the story of Disney sea is the story of my visit. My presence with my family defines the day; we get to pick rides and shows. Disney Park will always be an “open world,” where you explore, collect things, and meet characters in whatever sequence you choose.

Until sooner I realized we have one more day left to pack things and luggage. Items that were bought in Japan were already sort out, from gadgets to food, fridge magnets and even branded shoes. My mom had to buy another big trolley to maximize all the stuff so we could all bring home the goodies.

Just before the plane took off from Narita airport, I met an amazing couple from Japan. The lady’s Filipina, Marissa Suzuki, who’s married to a Japanese and been living in Japan for 30 years. The old man, Mr. Nori Suzuki, was 20 years older than her, had 2 children who were left at home. I was sitting from the window seat trying to calm myself from my episodic anxiety. The first thing she asked me was if there’s any book to read while waiting. I told her that there were just couple of magazines but probably wouldn’t satisfy her husband. It was a budget airline. She was hardly putting her bags on the bin until her husband helped her.  And then she sat beside me. They smiled at me like they wanted to know me.

The two hour conversation started.

I felt the joy from their eyes, especially from the Japanese old man as they kept asking my whereabouts. They insisted on buying coffee and oatmeal cookies for me. I wanted to be polite so I smirked. Of course I was very hungry and didn’t eat some breakfast. They even offered wasabi nuts and matcha flavored round shaped sticky bread. I had to appreciate it although I didn’t really like the taste too much.

For once in my life, I tried staring to someone while sharing personal stories. I felt bittersweet from her expressions, how she left our country when her older sister brought her to Japan. It was like she didn’t have choice. She was only 17 back then when she faced the reality. I know she wanted to make me feel what she has been through. I could see through her eyes how she learned to love her husband from the first few years of their relationship.  The difference of the culture and language didn’t really matter to her, instead, she was challenged by it. Mr. Suzuki was quite a storyteller, I was pretty convinced that he loves the Philippines with its warm people and weather. I love his words of wisdom; to treat people equally because we all deserve it; to value time because we all work for it; to give as much as you can because there’s no better feeling than to serve.

Funny how they wanted me to date a Japanese guy, or at least I should’ve met someone in a span of week. I could always go back, but will be definitely choosing a different weather. I admit I didn’t really have good sleep from the entire trip but maybe travels are for people who seek for adventure and stories.

From what I have learned in this trip, through its any lifestyle, people have survived. And we will always be. And those who survive have a duty. Our duty is to do our best to keep on living. Even if our lives are not perfect.

With all my sincerity and respect, in another life, will always go back to you, Japan.

[astrotranslations]

Meeting With K-Pop’s Super Rookie

Where were your dreams when you were a student? I think I changed my dream often. I wanted to be a soccer player then after watching a courtroom drama, a prosecutor. Ah, I wanted to be an announcer once too! Rather than holding onto just one dream, I think it changed a lot of times. I luckily gained a good opportunity and am now holding onto a cool job that is being a singer (laughs).

When did you want to become a singer? To be honest, there’s a dramatic story to how I ended up in this line of work. There are recently a lot of students who are interested in becoming a celebrity. But as they would say now, I had "not a speck" of interest when I was schooling (laughs). I really had none. I did enjoy listening to music and watching music videos but not once did I think of wanting to become a singer, to stand on that kind of stage and sing and dance, to appear on screen. But I happened to receive a casting offer from fantagio (Cha Eunwoo’s current company) by chance. At first, I agreed to a meeting with a light heart. However, the meeting time clashed with when I had to attend my academy so I thought, "Ah, guess I can’t go." But fascinatingly when I went to the academy that day, my teacher asked me, "Dongmin-ah (Cha Eunwoo’s real name), are you not open to casting offers?" So I told him that I actually had a meeting that day but couldn’t go because I had to attend the academy. He then replied, "I’ll adjust the timing so I think going would be a good experience for you. How about going for it?" and I thought, "Then shall I?" So I showed up at the meeting think that I could go for it while at the same time enjoying some good food with my mum in Seoul. Looking about it now, I think it was destiny (laughs). If it weren’t for that teacher then I probably would have been working as something else instead of as a singer. I’m always grateful to him.

What was the most difficult aspect of your trainee days? I was really lucky starting my trainee life through an offer from the company. But when I joined and started training, there were honestly so many who had the triple set of visuals, dance and singing. It crossed my mind a lot of times that, "Ah, this is really not it. It’s not my path…" So I took a break for a about a month. But after resting, I wanted to challenge myself once again. "I’ve to overcome it, I need too," I had that kind of mindset (laughs). So I went through the trainee life again for 4 years and debuted in February the year before last.

When are things hard for you as a singer? The occupation of an idol involves having to live as a group so there are a lot of situations where you have to be considerate of one another and give in. It’s also often that we would end our schedule at dawn or have to be out and about so it’s hard physically and having that pile up leaves you high-strung. We do mind control then and rise above while being considerate of the other. We have to do well. Since it’s our responsibility. As for the other aspects, I feel like I can survive through them if I grit my teeth and enjoy myself.

When is being a singer the most worthwhile? I think creating stages is when it feels the most worth my while. Dancing and constructing a performance is in a way having to make something out of nothing. Whenever the six of us do that, it would seem like there’s no light at the end of the tunnel but then everything comes to fruition and I’d feel really happy. The members and I appeared on 'Immortal Song’ before. Our schedules were really packed to the fullest so we didn’t have a lot of time to prepare. I wanted to show us doing well but I was really worried since we didn’t have much practice time. I also had to practice the piano separately so everyday I would be the last to stay and practiced. But if you’re talking results, all of us had practiced earnestly, choreographed the dance, arranged the song and managed to successfully wrap up the broadcast. It feels the most remunerative during situations like that. I feel revitalised whenever I hear the cheers from our fans or the audience after we’ve finished our stage, as if things were never hard. It also made me think that I can’t already be burnt out when it’s only something this minor. Also, if I read messages of support on the fancafe or look at pictures uploaded on twitter before I head to bed, I can sleep comfortably even though it was a tough day. I realise how good of a job I did in choosing this line of work because of every of these small or major moments.

What is your New Year’s wish that you’d like to fulfil in 2018? There’s something the members and I talked about (laughs). We haven’t won no. 1 yet. I’d like to gift fans visible results next year. At broadcasting stations when the no. 1 is being announced, other singers stand in the back, right? I was really really jealous looking at the singers who won no. 1. The members and I have talked about what it would feel like if our name was the one to be called. So our goal is.. no. 1!

If you had a life’s goal? It applies to everything but I think that you have to enjoy what you’re doing in order for you to realise how precious what you do is. Just enjoying what I’m doing? The members and I each have things we’re sensitive about so I want to put in the effort to make better what I can, to make the more difficult things less exhausting and to give in more. It’s something achievable if I let loose a little, enjoy myself more and have some easy fun. I usually worry a lot and my personality is one that’s afraid of a lot of things so if I hold onto a small goal and work my way, wouldn’t I be able to see through it?

Is there anything you’d like to say or any advice you’d like to give to the high school students who are passionately dreaming? I think you just have to enjoy yourself, have fun and live the moment. The outcome is of course important but if you have fun while you’re at it then I feel like the results will follow after. They’re cliche words but that’s what I’d like to believe. So I hope that you’ll become high school students who always gain strength, who keep your frighting spirits, who will be careful of the cold and not fall sick and who are good to your parents! Fighting! (laughs)

Lastly, is there perhaps anything you think that students should definitely do in their school days? I just hope that you’ll try a lot of things. To be honest, I didn’t get to go on a school trip. So there could actually be more things that you’ve done as compared to me. Just enjoy yourself and rather than thinking that you have to do something, cherish each moment and relish life!

Translations by @99pm​h Take out with full credits

[quaintrelle-on-the-loose]

We are now half way through 2018 and a lot of things happened these past months. A lot of things changed and things haven’t remained the same since i started “adulting.” There are days that I’d just tell myself, “So this is what adulting means ... So this is how it works.”

On Friendship.

This is one aspect in my life that rotated 360 degrees since i started having a job. I am such a clingy person. I wanted to keep in touch and talk to friends a lot. I was always the one who initiate get togethers and hang outs. But recently, it changed. That’s one thing about adulting. You tend to do less because you’ve got such a limited time and you wanted to spend it with things that and with people who matters MOST. I am not saying that my friends don’t matter to me anymore. What I am trying to say is, right now, I just have other things that I prioritize more than going out and spending my time out with friends. I still love going out with friends. I love catching up and having fun with them. But unlike before, when hang outs and meets ups get cancelled, i don’t give too much fuss about it anymore. Before, i get pissed off a lot when things like this happens, but now, i just let it go so easily. And one major thing too is that i aint the one who initiate such meet ups anymore. Sometimes, yes. I still do. But not as often as before. 

Another thing that i realized is that i don’t send long mushy messages and birthday greetings anymore. I am such a sucker for long and cheesy messages. I used to write and send friends such thing. But recently, I just don’t feel like doing it anymore. I’d think about it, decide to do it, and then when I’m already on it, I’d end up just sending a simple message. 

I know that I owe my friends a lot. I know that. And I couldn’t blame them if one day, they’d decide to turn their backs on me. I couldn’t blame them if one day, when i’d decide to return, they wouldn’t be there anymore for me. It’s fine. Trust me, it’s fine. Because right now, with all the things that are happening, and the things that I chose to prioritize, what I need are low-maintenance friendships --- friends who’d understand that I got other things to do and prioritize and who wouldn’t demand a lot of my time and get pissed off of me when I don’t get to go out with them and chill. Friends who’d understand that my world doesn’t revolve around them and who’d let me grow on my own. Friends who’d support me on the things that i want and have to do and understand if i’d rather choose to sleep and rest than go out and drink. To my friends who don’t understand this, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for failing you. You can go. And I’d understand. 

On Love Life. 

I like someone right now, yes. But that’s it. I’d leave it that way and won’t do anything about it. I don’t see us going to a higher level anyways. Why not fight for it and take the risk? Well, as i said before, I’ve already learned to choose my battles. And he isn’t one of them. I am already okay with what we are and what we have now. That’s already fine with me, trust me. Why not look for another? Because I can’t and don’t want to. One thing about me is that when I liked someone in a certain phase in my life, it’s kinda hard for me to move forward and try it with someone else. It would take some time for me to try and like (as in really like) someone else again. It’s either i don’t feel like giving it another shot, or i’m just too lazy to do anything including flirting or something, or maybe because, he isn’t here yet. He hasn’t arrived yet.

I also know that I am not yet ready for this. You see, i can’t even prioritize my friends (especially the long and trusted ones) right now. My social life’s a bit of shaky at the moment. I have so many things that I want and have to do but the time is so limited. It’s actually just recently when I realized that I am not yet prepared for this. I am not yet ready to let someone in my life and give him the time and attention that he deserves. Love life is not yet a priority for me as of this moment. I gotta deal with other things first before i let myself fall in love and be with someone. I have to prepare myself first. And I have to give value to the things that and the people who I have now before giving value to something that I do not have yet. Also, I know that i better prepare myself for this because once i have it, i don’t have the plan of letting it go anymore. Yes, i want it that serious.

On Finance.

I promised myself before that once I started earning my own money, I’d make sure to also start saving up for real. I actually did and accomplish this goal for five months. I had my savings. Yes, had. Past tense. ‘Cause now, my savings fund’s balance is Php 0.00. I thought saving’s easy. I was so proud of myself months ago being able to save up a portion of my monthly pay. But in just a blink of an eye, it all got spent. LOL! IT’S FREAKIN HARD TO SAVE! Haha.

I decided to restart this August. But for the nth time, I failed. Until I decided to just let it be. Because it’s really impossible for me to save right now. I don’t have a lot of whims (uhm, just coffee shops and books and okay i have a few or so i get it). But no, the reason why I let the idea of saving go (for now) is because it’s inevitable to spend and spend and let go of money for a house. We are currently renovating our house and I have to help out with the finances. And it’s fine with me. Really. Being able to help out with the family’s expenses brings me joy. It gives me some sense of fulfillment and accomplishment in a way. And not just out of responsibility but I also want to give back to my parents. That’s why i decided to give up saving for now. 

I also decided to not be too hard on myself. As what Papa also said, I am just starting. It’s fine to not be able to save yet this early. Not until he told me that last night that I realized that I am pressuring myself too much. I even felt guilty for spending for some things that I enjoyed and am so happy about.

At this point, what I’m telling myself is that it’s fine. It’s fine to spend for something that’s necessary. It’s okay to spend for coffee because that’s my way of relaxation. It’s okay to spend for the leisure events and activities. It’s okay to not have savings because I am spending for the house. That investing on the house, on myself, family, the life moments, memories, experiences and fun are way more important than the money.

But next year, I promise to really start saving FOR THE DREAM/S! I’d just let this pass for now since im a newbie. But next year, I have to! No more buts.

On Work and Career.

Who would have thought that i’d end up as a data analyst once I graduate from college? Nobody. No one, including me. I’ve never planned this. And even when I already had the job, I could remember saying that i’d give it a shot for just a year. Yes, being a data analyst wasn’t in the equation until i decided to grab the opportunity. It was a major “detour.” And even if it wasn’t really the thing that I wanted to do and have at first, i know that God allowed it to happen for a reason. And i ain’t regretting grabbing the opportunity that opened up to me when this year started. It was so life-changing! 

I am so grateful for having this as my first job. I’ve been doing it for six months now (going seven) and to my own surprise, i am still enjoying it. The work environment helped a lot. It feels good not just waking up every day going to the office just to work. Every day, I also look forward to seeing my office mates which i had the chance to know and share stories and laughters with. It feels good having to grow as a person socially and professionally. 

One reason I see why until now I don’t get burnt out at work is because I always see to it that I still have work and life balance at the end of the day. That’s one of the first lessons that I’ve learned from my former manager and my trainer --- to know my limits and to not overwork. I got that advice during my first performance assessment and continuously applies it. Knowing your limits, managing and appropriating time, and prioritizing having a life outside work is a must. As what Hillary Clinton said, “Don’t confuse having a career with having a life.” I also read this statement that says, “A job is a job. It’s a way to pay for a living, but that’s it. Don’t let it define your happiness. You work to live, not live to work. Work on what makes you happy.” 

Is data analysis then the career that I still wanna pursue years from now? To be honest? I doubt it. I wanted to have a career that could impact a lot of people. I still do. I am still looking forward to it. I know my passion and I know that this isn’t it. I like doing what I am doing but I am not really that passionate about it. There’s a big difference there. I still need time to prepare myself and the resources that I need to pursue what I really want but for now, I’d be staying as a data analyst since I don’t have any reason yet so far to leave. But in the near future, I pray that I’d be able to do what I really want to do and accomplish one of my life’s purposes. 

Through out this entry so far, I kept on saying that time is so limited that I don’t get to prioritize this and that. That I don’t get to spend time with friends anymore unlike before, that I don’t have time for love life just yet and so on and so forth. I don’t give all my life and time to work either! So people’d ask what makes me so busy? Why does it seem like i am always rushing to log out at work? Where am i “appropriating” my time? My life?

I got three things: my family, myself, and Him:

On Family.

Majority of my time now, most especially when I go home to the province, is just for my family. That’s also the reason why I don’t initiate meet ups and hang outs with friends anymore too every time I go home. I want to spend more time with my family most especially with my parents. That’s one realization that I’ve got to see while i am adulting. While I feel like im growing as person: That as I grow, my parents aren’t getting any younger. That’s why I want to just be with them every time I have the chance to go home. I don’t want to regret someday that I haven’t showed them how much I care for them and how much I love them.

In terms of the the entire family tho, meaning not just my nuclear family, 2018 has been so challenging so far. The family has its highs and lows these past months. Some family members were faced with health problems (including Papa. We just found out last week that he has a lump on his right lung and we still don’t know what it is exactly since he is still under observation) and finances.

It is a challenging year for the entire family now. We are all being tested in a way or another but I am still optimistic about it all. These all are nothing but God’s test and we’d get through it. I know that He has a purpose for all of these. He wanted to test and teach us. 

The conflicts are there, the misunderstandings and what nots are there. But I know that we’d make it through all these. I have so much trust and respect to this family that brought me up. And I’ve been so open and vocal on how grateful I am of having to grow in a family that has this strong bond and foundation. 

On Myself.

When this year started, I promised to give this year to myself --- to allow myself to do what she wants, to be who she really is, and to grow. This year is for self-knowledge and discovery. I just entered a new chapter in life and before this, I lost myself. Little did I know that losing myself would be one of the major turning points in my life. Though I realized this last year, it is just this year that I gave myself the opportunity to really grow and live. As in to truly live. I wanted to “fix” and invest on myself this year because I realized that in a cruel world like ours, self-love is important. That knowing and accepting yourself could turn your life upside down. And I wanted to invest on myself because I believed that I couldn’t give what I do not have. Doing this all has changed me. It brought optimism in my life that has been once dark. And it gave me the courage to be fearless and step out off my comfort zone. To fight and stand for what I want and just be who I am. 

This is also the reason that I don’t feel guilty about ditching some galas from time to time. I deserve to sleep, rest. destress, and recharge on weekends. I deserve and need my Gutsy Days and Life Pauses. I deserve love and happiness. I deserve to have a life. And to live. 

On FAITH.

But above anything else, this is the most important thing that has been happening in my life this year. One of my goals this year is to strengthen my relationship with the Lord. And while investing on myself (i.e. figuring out what I really want and stuff like that), knowing my worth and the importance of self-love in my life is, it was really Him who saved me and who changed my life perspective. 

Last Thursday night, I attended this talk at church after work about Depression. And that’s when it sunk it to me. Everything. I was really depressed last year after I graduated. I was feeling so much lowness, sadness and disappointment. I didnt know what to do next in my life. I felt numb. I felt unmotivated. Hopeless, even. I lost myself! And while Pastor Tito Almadin was talking about how people can help others with depression, I realized that I didn’t really receive those kinds of help from others. Nobody around me knew that I got depressed! While I was busy sulking and self-pitying, everyone thought that I was doing just fine. They didn’t know how much sadness I was already feeling. They didn’t have any idea that i had too low self-esteem already. While the talk was on going that night, once again, I saw how His grace saved me. Those things that Pastor Tito was talking about? I didn’t get any of it. How can I get help from others if they didn’t even know that I needed help? As what I said, I don’t know how it happened but I just found myself turning to Him again. After years of neglecting Him calling me, at my lowest point, I came back to Him. And it was exactly one year ago when that happened. Days after going back to Him, I had then the opportunity and courage to tell my sister, one of my trusted friends, and my former college dormmate who’s older than me what I was going through. And it was just now that I’m writing this that I realized that all of them are Christians (He really gives us what we need!). Since then, my life has changed. 

Tho I already accepted Christ as my Lord and Savior, I admit that there are still days that I get tempted by this world’s desires and standards. There is still disobedience in me. It is not easy. I know that it’s not gonna be easy. But as what the Bible says, we are a living sacrifice and we’d really have the tendency to drift away from the altar. We are not expected to be perfect because we really are not. What’s important here though is that we always seek to strengthen our relationship with the Lord --- resurrendering our lives every day when we need to. This one is what gets me busiest these months --- strengthening my relationship with Him. Because before everything or anyone else, it should be Him first.

This is the reason why nowadays, i tend to do less. My Monthly Highlights and blog entries already got piled up, i don’t go out as often as before, don’t chat with people personally and online as much as before, etc. Little by little, I am learning how to value and appropriate my life and time wisely. We all have limited time and we have to learn to spend it on what really matters. And right now, here’s mine. You’d see what matters to me just by seeing where and for whom I spend my time. We gotta focus on what matters most. 

[tuleetalk]

“What’s” and “Why’s?”

Towards the end of 2017 I had a random discussion with a friend on a train. We talked about life and in a few moments of honesty confessed that we had both lost our “spark”. You know that energy that you have about life where you dream big, you work passionately, you’re hopeful for each day…? That’s the “spark” we were referring to. It’s like the responsibility of being adults had stripped us both of that zeal, not because being an adult in itself is meant to equal a life with no zeal, but because in trying to be responsible and do all the things that are expected of us, we put aside the things that we were once passionate about.

 Some time before this conversation I think I hit my personal breaking point. With all the ups and downs of the past few years and having just generally burnt myself out [again], I was tired and had already concluded that I couldn’t live the rest of my life like this. I couldn’t continue trying to keep life moving without an aim, without drive, without any desire and on a repeat cycle of burnout and tiredness.

 One thing that I know I’ve been good at over the years is finding nice things to do. I’ve prided myself on the work that I’ve done for people’s projects, the support that I’ve given friends and family, and my efforts to be faithful and dependable (not always 100% successfully but I tried)

 I eventually realised that I was trying so hard to be the friend, the relative, the worker, the leader that I was needed to be, but on most, if not all fronts was coming up short, never really being able to fully satisfy any of those roles. On top of that disappointment, I was also at a loss to myself because of the added frustration of being unable to explore my own dreams because I had no time left after labouring to be “all things to all men”. It’s like the most annoying catch 22… So I had to ask myself why am I working so hard? Who does it benefit? Was anybody on either side satisfied or grateful for the outcome of all that labour? Were all these things worth the sacrifices? Was I doing something someone else should be doing? Why was I even doing any of it?

 I watched a video a while back where (in short) comedian Michael Jr asks a man to sing a song. He sings it well, but then Michael Jr asks him to sing it again with a particular scenario in mind and his whole approach and energy in singing changes. You could sense a different kind of depth and thought process behind his note choices and use of power. He was no longer just singing because he was asked to, he was now singing knowing why he was singing (See video clip)

It made me realise that deciding what you’ll do, then trying to piece together why you do it later is entirely the wrong way round. I can decide that what I’m going to do is go for a drive, but unless I know why I’m driving I could potentially waste a lot of petrol, time and energy. If I know the reason why I’m driving is to get to a particular place, I then know that what I need to do is put a specific amount of petrol in the car, leave by a particular time, and bring snacks for the journey (as you do!) As well as that, when I get bored of the length of time it’s taking to get there, I remember why I set off in the first place and continue going with that destination in mind.

 If I know why my efforts are needed, I will then know what tools, processes and level of dedication I need in order to resource that vision. In essence, it’s having a purpose. I think we often make “finding purpose” very deep and a bit too profound when it could actually quite simply be rooted somewhere in the various things we are naturally most passionate about.

 For example, if I find that I am often heart-broken seeing homeless people on the street and get frustrated seeing people walk past them without helping, maybe I will decide to stay a few more months in the job that I don’t enjoy that much, to make extra money to raise funds to start a project to help the homeless. At least if I know why I’m still working in that job, I’ll get up each day with that focus.

 If I have a real love for seeing young people do well and have a deep desire to be part of their growth maybe I could look into doing a mentoring course. It’s may be a lot of work on top of my day to day and for the next year or so I’ll have to make a few sacrifices for it, but I know why I’m doing it.

 If my greatest joy is seeing people laugh and I am naturally quite talented on a stage, maybe I should spend a bit more time working on my stand up comedy. I may have to do a bunch of shows for free in order to build my skill or to find opportunities to make people laugh, but I’ll take the hit because I know why I’m doing it.

I haven’t found my full “why?” for life yet, I only have a small piece to the puzzle, the rest may take years to unfold, but with what I have so far I intend to find the “what’s” that help me fulfil the “why’s?”.

I’ve taken a step back from a bunch of things since the start of 2018 just so I could review what I’m doing, what I do and don’t need to continue doing, and not make decisions based on outside expectations. It’s allowed me to see what I really feel about my roles in life, what is most valuable to me, and what stops me from being the best me I can be and using all the specific gifts and skills I’ve acquired. I’ve learnt we are never really satisfied until we’re doing what we’re supposed to do.

Of course I don’t think this is something to be rigid about. Sometimes it’s necessary just to just give a helping hand or do something fun that’s completely unrelated to anything, but I think the key is to be balanced and not let life in all it’s randomness move you away from fulfilling what you know deep down, you need to do. If you don’t know yet what that is, that’s fine! I think over time the deepest passions that God built into our make up will surface eventually, then when we see them we must act on them. We can do many good things in life but we must make sure we make time for our “why?”

[fyzil]

2020

#Whirlwind of emotions. #Ups and downs, #highs and lows, #dips and valleys, #tough moments, #JOY of fatherhood, #emotional wreck, #trough of sorrow, #points of uncertainty, #desire to do better - to have what i haven’t had by doing what i hadn’t done, #falling forward.

2017 -I have been here before, a moment of zero fulfilment, of depression, being less of myself, difficulty and challenges. I rose from it, I grew from it, I had faith, i wasn’t discouraged, i never held back, i gave it everything i had, i flourished and blossomed again, I conquered. 

2020 - I hit my deepest lows, i got hit again and again and again, but i will RISE UP LIKE THE WARRIOR I AM, i am responsible for my happiness, I will get it.

Desires, Passion, Quitting, Resentment, Hardship.

I wont stop, I wont quit, I wont cave... I would succeed, I would accomplish, I would keep trying, I would get what i never had by doing something i never did. We’ve been here before. I have been successful in my own way which reminds me that... I am a Warrior, my mind is tougher than I believe, I am smarter than i give myself credit for, I am on a path to accomplishment, I am a winner. Note to me - Keep scrapping, keep working hard. You don't have to impress anyone but you. Now is the time to build. Fold your sleeves up, get your hands dirty, pray to God for direction and guidance and you'll reap and enjoy the fruits soon, keep going and don't look back. You don't have to worry or hurry to live the dream, it's coming, at its time - The right time. Jul 03, 2020. Hafiz The biggest challenge working on an idea in these early days is the wavering thoughts and emotions of whether it’s going to be a success or failure. One minute I feel sure and boisterous about it all, another minute I am in so much doubt I loose all the energy and desire to even do anything about it. I remain unflappable and will keep bursting my ass to get it off the ground and see it through to immense success. It’s so tough glueing all the pieces needed together but we won’t back down. We evade roadblocks not turn back. Jul 13,2020. Hafiz 

Don’t be afraid to fail big, dream big, dream without goals are just dreams. 

I have seen a pattern in my growth over the last decade. In 2011, i devoted myself to making a 2:1 and better grades. By 2012, i achieved the latter a lot but it became clear I wouldn’t be able to graduate with the grades i wanted. I took all my efforts and channeled it into programming, studying entrepreneurship, networking and creating good relationships at CCHub and also getting mentored by a Google Engineer - Toki. I abandoned school. I never attended classes, was highly anti-social and only wore tracks all through - I was done on the inside. My ultimate aim was to get into Huawei, to be hired as a software prodigy. All the programming, extra hours and tough moments learning Data Structures and Algorithm paid off. All the dedication and devotion paid off. Huawei welcomed a whiz kid. It was no mean feat... Alhamdulilah!   In 2013, the year i got my famous scars, the year i spread myself so so thin, worked my tail off at Huawei. I needed to prove i was more than hype, that i was the real deal - I DID. Colleagues, bosses, and peers were amazed at the prospects i demonstrated. I got stifled by the new HR who didn’t understand why i was so celebrated. I was super anti-social again as all i did was focus on performing my best to seal my role as a Solutions Architect - The first time a college grad will be hired straight to a senior role. Unfortunately I wasn’t given the role officially but i kept performing and excelling while functioning at it. In 2015, the year i grew balls. I found out that i didn’t want to live on salaries and the pennies Segun and I squared from small side gigs with Solar89digital. It was time to play amongst the big boys. It was a moonshot but with a lot of zest, 5X tenacity, we landed a fantastic gig with the Government. It burnt us out but we learnt a lot and made a lot of money - millions. Made my first million and more. Moved into a very big apartment, got a land, travelled to SA and became Product Management Certified, enrolled into Edinburgh’s MBA programme, and picked up my first car from home - A Mistibushi Gallant. Did all these by being super anti-social, focused only on the things i wanted to achieve and grew tremendously in belief, wisdom and experience. In 2018, after just getting married, i knew i didn’t want to be stuck working an IT job in a law firm. In the previous year, i was fired by Huawei for refusing to come to work. My brother connected me to the Job to get me back on my feet. I did get married on the job and was able to put myself together.  However I believed I was better than staying on it - my gut feeling and my soul knew, I just had to prove to myself. Interviewed with NIBSS, Mainone, Andela, Paystack, etc. I finally did great at Interswitch but eventually got sent to Arca/Clane by them. So much joy through the internal hardship of self-doubt and the What ifs. A lot of reflection into my achievements in the previous 5 years and how it would all have culminated into working as an IT guy in a law firm? NO NO NO. Glad i was able to make a switch back into proper Corporate work after a 1 year hiatus. Was humble though and learnt a lot through it all. I did what i needed to do to get what i wanted but then I had to move on from it. Great place to work though. Learnt about foreign culture and human interaction.

2018 further sharpened my mind. I shifted my mindset to how I can test my mettle on an international scale. I started to look out for opportunities in diaspora and this was another moment of digging deep again. I wanted nothing but such move. I was desperate and I wanted it so bad. It however took over 100+ applications, 25+ interviews, and 3 final stage rejections to land at PayJoy. Bottom line, I’m a 100% all-in guy once I’m gunning for something. I don’t fear neither do I frail. My mind is stronger than my body and my brain is blessed to have me to try to make the best of it always. Along those lines, i had a stint at a Big name company to make my resume look good, but we eventually landed where we wanted. This is 2020. Another year of intense growth. I’ve been here before, how hard, tough and painful it feels when expanding, stretching my limits and going to territories I have never been before. I know this feeling, I can tap into this mindset, and now it’s activated - Full Mode. With God on my side, I’m willed, I’m powerful, I’m grateful, I’m tenacious and I won’t stop till the desired accomplishments are achieved. Stepping into 2020, we knew this is what we’d have to go through, and we were ready. Mabrouk came along and there came extra motivation being a father. Yes it comes with a lot of erring and downsides - being Anti-social, excessively private and unwavering in my cause, It’s just how i know best to do it. It’s how i have got results before and it has worked many many many times over and over and over again for me - Why change or break it? I have been locked up in a jail (my house) for the past 3 months, grinding out myself to execute on my entrepreneurship quest. I haven’t stopped thinking about it for a second and i have possibly researched the most in my entire life these last months - even paid for and conducted a lot of research. This is the year it starts and we have to throw the kitchen sink at it if need be.

I am not in a hurry to do the flashy things like getting an exotic car, buying extravagant things. I’ve the money but there is no rush because these things will come whether i want it or not. The money for it will come in abundance and i would even be tired of it and start doing a lot of charity. 

I will keep on going till i see my objectives to fruition, no backing down from it, no anxieties. At the end, i would either be a very successful entrepreneur or a failed founder with a lot of experience that can be used to pursue another challenge or company with an even bigger purpose and ambition. I would not have wasted the time. All i will keep doing is “Rinse and Repeat” and if i unfortunately never become that successful business man, in a few years or within a decade, i’d have enough knowledge from all my experiences to be a mentor, a coach or a consultant, which would then make me a lot of money regardless which i can conveniently use for my kids as they grow or live the comfortable life. As far as I see it, there’s no loosing embarking on this mission - Only winning.

More pain, daunting task ahead as we keep Vysend moving forward. Blessed to have Valentina Valencia in our corner. She’s remarkable, pushing the living day light out of us. Had a session on roadmapping and focus before we speak to Sebastian from Seedstars tomorrow. We keep pushing

Aug 11,2020 11:56PM

[theolddarkmachine]

Kingdom- Chapter Three

Gajeel has had the dream about dying for the blue haired girl for as long as he can remember. Which is weird, since he’s never met anyone with blue hair in his life.

Levy has always loved myths and legends. So much so, in fact, that she was currently getting her master’s in mythological studies.

What neither of them realized was that they were living a legend all their own.

AKA the one with a knight, a princess, and a curse that keeps bringing them together just to pull them apart.

When I started this chapter, I kinda hated it. Like a lot. But then I decided to sit on it for a couple days and rework it later, and now I actually quite like it. So I hope you guys like it too! I’m also really trying to push myself to just do more with my writing. Don’t really know how to explain what I’m trying to do with my style other than MORE but hoping you won’t mind all too much if I try to push things. You may have also noticed that I posted a different fic on here the other day. As I said in my About Me when I made this blog, this may not necessarily always be a strictly Gajevy fic blog, and it was the time lol While I will be splitting my time between two fics now, know this one still has priority, because 1) That’s what y’all deserve and 2) A lot of research has to be done for the other one that needs more time and thus it cannot be updated as often. if any of yall know more about yakuza than google hit a girl up lmao ANYWAY, thanks for reading, as always <3

***************************************

Unfortunately, it wasn’t the first time Gajeel had found himself in front of a speeding vehicle. It was the first time he wasn’t the speeding vehicle’s target though, which he was going to chalk up as a win. At least, as much of a win as it could be given it would also most likely end with him splattered across the pavement. Time seemed to stand still as he felt himself wonder how in the hell he had ended up there, throwing himself in front of a vehicle to save a stranger.

He’d awakened that morning with the usual groan and the familiar dread that spread through his chest from his dream. The amount of time it felt he was in the darkness of death was growing each day, and along with it the sense of despair. If he didn’t quite know better, he’d wonder if at some point he’d stop waking from it at all. A strong hand rubbed across his face in an attempt to brush the sleep-- and melodramatic thoughts for that matter-- from his eyes. It was fruitless to try and stay in bed, a fact he knew all too well, and loathed with every fiber of his being, so he pushed himself out of the nest of blankets and pillows and headed to the bathroom. The light flickered to life and illuminated the small space of the cramped room, reflecting off the mirror.

His reflection stared back at him, only it wasn’t him.

In his place stood a faceless shadow of a man, with burning red eyes that struck a spike of fear through his heart. Adorned in black armor, Gajeel felt a sense a familiarity as he took in the intricately carved dragon that curved across the breast plate and fixed him with a matching, angry gaze. It’s scales were outlined with flecks of gold, giving it a near regal look. Scratches ran all along the armor, each telling a story that he was certain he knew, and yet couldn’t quite remember. He was paralyzed under the glare of the red eyes as the darkness that was cast across the specter's face started to twist and fade.

As it dissipated it first revealed a mouth that was twisted into an unimpressed scowl, wild black hair, and then a glint of metal studs that stood out against the tanned skin. It felt as an icy hand gripped his heart, knocking the wind out of his lungs when he realized that standing before him, was a different version of himself. The crimson glare softened in his other self’s eyes as they sized each other up. Something about the way his mirror self was looking at him made Gajeel’s blood run cold. What was this? Everything felt so foreign and yet, just on the outreaches of his subconscious it felt as if the answer was there plain as day. He hadn’t realized he’d reached his hand out to touch the specter until his fingertips brushed the cold, smooth metal of the armor.

A heavy weight settled in the silence of the bathroom as the walls started to fall away from around them, leaving them standing in inky darkness. Shadowy tendrils licked across their skin as if they were trying to find a way to latch onto them. Slowly, holding Gajeel’s attention, his copy looked down towards his chest. A bright light started to spill from one of the scars on the breastplate located just over his other self’s heart, pushing back the shadows that had started to descend on the armor. Gajeel’s stomach turned at the sharp stab of despair that filled his gut causing the acrid taste of bile to rise in his throat. It felt almost like the feeling of the dream, only magnified tenfold, and suddenly he felt as if he was suffocating. His arms started to burn where the shadows started to stain his skin ebony with their touch. Everything hurt so much, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to look away from his mirror self.

A small, sorrow filled smile tugged at the corners of the reflection’s mouth as he looked up at Gajeel.

“Save her.”

The hollow voice carried the words through the darkness and as quickly as it had appeared, the vision was gone. Air burst into his lungs as he choked on the bitter despair. Gajeel had never thought he’d be so happy to find himself on the floor of his bathroom before as he breathed heavily, hungry gasps pulling in as much air into his lungs as they could.

“Who is she?” He tried to scream out to the vision, only succeeding in a breathless gasp that reached no one. Angrily, he punched his hand into the old tile of the bathroom floor, enjoying the sharp tang of pain that buzzed across the skin of his knuckles. Gajeel stared down at the skin of the fist, almost certain he would see the stain from the black shadows scrawled across his skin. Nothing but his usual tan clung to his complexion and relief blossomed in his chest. His mind raced in an attempt to piece together what had just happened. The obvious explanation was that he had still been half asleep when he’d made his way to the bathroom and found himself in a waking dream. Yet, as he grabbed the edge of the counter and pulled himself off the ground and eyed the mirror, he couldn’t help but feel like it had been a little too real.

Gajeel stared into his reflection as if trying to pull any evidence of the vision into being. A pang of heat seared across the left side of his chest. Over his heart, stood a slightly darker strip of flesh that was about four inches long. He’d had the strange birthmark all his life, and had never paid it any mind, and it had never given him any cause to. Rubbing it gently, he tried to shake the vision of the light that poured from the copy’s armor from his mind. After a few moments, he let out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding and let his hand drop from the mark. A dream. That’s all it was.

The lie tasted bitter on his tongue.

Save her. Those two words kept swirling around in his head as if to taunt him. He didn’t know who she was, and yet he couldn’t help but feel who ever she was, she was connected to the blue haired princess from the dream. If only his damn dreams weren’t so cryptic, maybe he could actually fulfill their wish of saving her. His head was throbbing by the time he was able to uproot himself from where he stood in front of his bathroom mirror. A quick glance at his phone showed that he’d somehow lost about three hours to the vision and the subsequent mental freakout that followed. The thought that he could lose so much time without realizing it set him on edge.

Save her.

In an attempt at restoring normalcy and easing the pain that pulsed through his skull, Gajeel got into the shower, turning the heat of the water as high as it would go so the burning sting of the water would replace the confused thoughts swirling through his mind. After the spray ran cold, he wrapped his fluffy grey towel around his waist and padded back into the living area of his apartment. The cool air from the air conditioning raised the hair on his arms, but it was a welcome distraction as he made his way to the kitchen in search of food. The disappointing sight of the butt ends of some bread, three ketchup packets and a questionable bottle of what was once a cherry coke greeted him and his growling stomach.

“Great,” he snarled at the remnants of food before he slammed the door shut. This was shaping up to be a fantastic morning. The lack of food and his ever rising irritation was how he found himself outside, black leather jacket clinging to his frame as he thrust his hands deep into the pockets of his ripped blue jeans. Cool air burnt his lungs that still ached from the earlier deprivation of oxygen. Outside of his apartment and in the hustle and bustle of the city, the vision seemed more like a distant memory than something that had happened just earlier that morning. It wasn’t distant enough to let him relax, but at least he no longer felt like he was being haunted by phantom crimson eyes and shadows. It hadn’t been until he’d turned toward the street to cross that the incident entirely slipped his mind, because there just on the other side of where he stood was a shock a all too familiar blue hair.

Save her.

The words were a bit louder as his gaze settled upon her. She was the blue haired princess. He hadn’t ever actually seen her face in his dreams, but he knew that shade of blue, and every part of his body screamed with recognition. His breath caught in his throat as she looked up, her honey colored gaze meeting his crimson one. A pink blush brushed across her cheeks as she tightened her grip on the book that she’d had in her arms pressed against her chest.

Save her. The copy’s echoed through his mind as he continued to stare, unable to tear his gaze from her. She was the most beautiful person he had ever seen. It almost looked as if light radiated from her as she stood there on the street corner, hair held back with a bright yellow scarf and in a knee length green peacoat. He watched her as the light changed, signaling pedestrians to cross. His eyes followed her as she looked down at the street as she stepped down from the ledge. A loud blare of a horn finally broke him of his trance, and made time stop. Her head snapped up to look in the direction of the blare coming from the delivery truck that was barreling down the street, straight towards her and the intersection. He watched as she froze, mouth falling open as she stared straight into the grill of the truck that would inevitably hit her if she didn’t move.

Save her.

The words were a booming cry as they ordered him into action. Gajeel hadn’t ever moved so quickly in his life. What had started as a grocery run was now ending with him chasing death in the form of a nondescript white delivery truck. Willing his feet to move him as fast as they could to close the distance between them, he felt her solid form hit his chest as he closed his arms around her and used the momentum to throw them both out of the way. The last thing he heard was a scream, and the blare of the truck horn.

***

All things considered, Levy thought being hit by a car would hurt more than it did. She’d noticed the vehicle racing towards her after it had already been too late, giving her just enough time to think about how Mirajane was going to kill her for getting one of her books destroyed. The blare of the horn deafened her and she screwed her eyes shut to the sound, the sight of the delivery truck’s grill burned into the back of her eyelids as the last thing she’d ever see. As she was hit, she felt a warmth encircle her as what felt like two arms wrapped around her waist. What should have felt like a violent and brutal twisting of bone and metal felt almost like the embrace of a lover. Her mind raced as it tried to catch up with what was happening. Maybe it’s shock, she thought to herself as she felt her back hit the ground. The breath in her lungs was pushed out violently with the force of the impact. At least that seemed about right for what was happening. A high pitched ringing filled her ears, almost drowning out the sound of the ragged breathing that was stirring the hair just at the shell of her right ear. Almost. Suddenly she was all too aware of the warm solid weight that was pressed against her chest, shoving the corners of the book she still clutched to her chest into her body. Her eyes shot open as she thrust her knee reflexively into the gut of the body that laid on top of her, capturing her between his body and the pavement. The motion was met with a loud and short grunt of pain as the man rolled off of her and onto the ground beside her.

“So that’s the thanks a guy gets, huh?” The stranger wheezed, staring up at the sky as his arms wrapped protectively around his middle. She felt her eyes widen as they traced his face, realizing that he was the man that had been across the street. Trying to stop from staring too long, she turned her attention to the scene around them. They were both laying safely on the sidewalk as curious bystanders started to gather around them to check on their wellbeing. Levy made note of the fact that the delivery truck seemed nowhere to be found.

“You alright?” His voice was still a bit breathless, but the stranger from across the street was now fixing his gaze on her once again. This close she could see that his eyes were endless pools of crimson. The metal in his eyebrow quirked in concern as she stared. Heat colored her cheeks as she hurriedly pushed herself up and set the book on her lap.

“I- I’m fine. Are you?” Levy’s voice sounded painfully squeaky, even to her own ears. Her heart was beating harder in her chest now than it had when she’d seen the vehicle baring down on her. Wait. “Did you- did you seriously just jump in front of a delivery truck?” Gleeful light danced in his eyes as the man also sat up, shooing away one particularly curious looking bystander that had gone to help him up.

“I think you technically jumped in front of it first,” he chuckled as he rubbed his ribcage. “I was fine until ya attacked me.” The smile that accompanied the statement made her mind run blank. Levy was certain she’d never seen this man before and yet something about the way he smiled at her felt like the most natural and familiar thing in the world. Something deep in her chest told her that she’d do anything to see him smile again.

“Why would you do that?” She heard herself ask, almost as shocked about the question as he seemed to be. A moment passed as he looked away from her.

“I don’t know.” It was almost a whisper, as if the answer wasn’t meant for her as the man questioned himself as to why he’d literally throw himself into traffic to save someone he didn’t know. As quickly as the confusion had crossed his face, it was gone as he looked back up at her as if he could pull the answer from her. The voices of the people surrounding them started to grow distant as they began to disperse after seeing that the couple was okay. The man started to standing, brushing the dirt from his jeans and making a low, disgruntled noise when he saw the scratches in the leather of his jacket from where his arms had dragged against the concrete. Levy watched as he shook his head and then held a hand out to her to help her stand. There was a beat before she took it, allowing herself to be pulled up from the ground. An electric shock shot up her arm from the touch, eliciting a gasp as goosebumps raced across her skin. His wide eyes said that the stranger had felt it as well. As soon as she was standing, he took his hand back, staring at it as he flexed his fingers and rubbed at the skin with his other hand.

This was the point where she would thank him for saving her, and he would say something lame like “You’re welcome” and then they would go their separate ways and never see each other again. That’s how it should go anyway, but her stomach flipped at the idea of letting him walk away. Something was so familiar about him. Being near him had felt like she’d found something she hadn’t even realized she’d lost, and the very idea of losing it again had her stomach in knots.

“What’s your name?” Levy’s voice wavered slightly as she fixed her honey gaze on him. He returned the gaze and the strange electrically charged air filled the space between them.

“Gajeel,” he answered simply after a moment of contemplation. Another piece seemed to fall into place in her mind, as her brain registered the name she’d never heard and yet made the blood in her veins sing. Levy pulled the book back up to her chest and hugged it to her chest again, using it as a shield as if to stop him from seeing the way her heart was hammering against her chest.

“Well, Gajeel, can I thank you with a cup of coffee?” The smile returned to his face at the question. It was another kickstart to her heart that rammed against her ribcage as she waited for his answer.

“Coffee sounds great.”

[keelincain-blog]

Saving the Devil

https://www.amazon.com/Saving-Devil-Silver-Songs-Book-ebook/dp/B0775Z9QLC/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1511775160&sr=8-7&keywords=saving+the+devil

My eyes flew wide open. I was covered in sweat, my heart pulsing at a hundred an hour, my body trembling.

Surprise, surprise; six hundred years later and PTSD was still alive and kickin’ it. Fucking nightmares. This was the first time in three months I had allowed myself to get some shut eye. Or more accurately, to pass out from sheer exhaustion. Thank those capricious motherfuckin’ gods I wasn’t human and didn’t need to catch Z’s almost every night; that would have been a huge cluster fuck. Not that my life now was all rainbows and unicorns but I had enough personality flaws, best not to add “ungrateful cunt” to the list. Wouldn’t want to offend the Faiths; prissy bitches that they were, their feathers were ruffled easily.

I stretched my wings out, making the bones underneath the arches crack. Reaching out to the Beats Pill sitting on the floor beside my queen-sized mattress, I turned it on. Next was the Galaxy Edge and boom, the base from the speakers was drumming against the walls of my bedroom.

Just one thing was missing. On the other side of the mattress was a needle, a belt, a spoon that had been burnt way too many times, the lighter that had been used to spark the flame underneath it and -most importantly- a tiny Ziploc that held the fine, light brown powder I needed to calm my nerves.

I crossed my legs and sat the paraphernalia in the middle.

Duh-dum, duh-dum, duh-dum... The sound of a heartbeat pulsed through the speakers, mimicking my own heart. As I lit my lighter under the spoon, melting the beige powder, as the sickeningly sweet scent rose and danced into my nostrils, my heart sped up in anticipation of what was to come. It was a bitter sweet thing. It was both my salvation and my bane.

“This is gospel, for the fallen ones...”  My hands trembled as I put both the lighter and the spoon now carrying a thick transparent liquid on the tiled floor.

“...locked away in permanent slumber.” My breathing turned ragged as I picked up the delicate syringe and pulled gently on the handle, sucking in the liquid.

“Assembling their philosophies...”  I had already tied the withered old belt around my arm. My veins pulsed against my skin as if asking for the contents of the liquid that I knew would give me peace. For however brief a time that may be.

“...from pieces of broken memories.”  Unable to wait any longer, I pushed the needle into my arm, the thin metal piercing through my skin, and pressed gently on the handle. There was a slight burn, there always was. But it was part of the pleasure. Perhaps because I knew an incredible high would follow as my drug of choice swam through my bloodstream and altered my state of mind. Or perhaps because I was a junkie and as long as I got my fix nothing else really mattered. Okay, let’s be honest. It was definitely the latter.

Time stopped, my body tensed, my mind quieted as I waited for it to hit me. And then...

“If you love me let me GO-OH!”  Tiny fireworks exploded behind my eyelids. I threw my head back and moaned as every tensed muscle relaxed and I was flying without my wings.

This was my gospel...

    Maybe my moment of bliss had lasted a few minutes, maybe an hour. I had no idea; my notion of time was a bit fucked up. In any case it was over way too soon. Courtesy of a loud thundering sound that had me thinking maybe Zeus was feeling a little gassy today. I hope he had diarrhea, the prick.

It pissed me off to no end that someone was banging on my door for three reasons. Number one: nobody knew where I lived because, being social? Yeah, not my thing. Number two : I was coming down from my high so my entire body was shaking, I was sweating like a whore in church and I could barely move a finger let alone get up to open the door. Number three: I had bought this apartment in the middle of nowhere in a tiny village in the South of France so that I'd be left the fuck alone.

Maybe I could just wait it out...

A few minutes went by, the knocking didn't stop. It. Didn't. Fucking. Stop.

I had half a mind to blow the door to pieces. But I didn't. Because I was a mature person who didn't need to resort to violence in order to deal with certain... unpleasant situations. Just kidding! I was just too out of it to blow anything up, also it was in the other room which given my current state seemed far, far away. My head on the other hand was about to explode. So, left with no choice, I rolled out of the mattress -pain blooming every fucking where- with the full intent of blowing whoever was on the other side of that door to bloody smithereens.

 Letting out a long suffering sigh, I thought of getting to my feet. To which my body replied “Fuck no.” So I crawled, grunted and whimpered my way out of my bedroom, down the hallway and into the living room. Only to realize that … I couldn’t reach the handle. Man, this was a fucking train-wreck. Not a surprising turn of events but a pain in my ass nonetheless. Not counting the tiles I was sure were leaving bruises all over me, the little patience I had was quickly evaporating into little wisps of irritation. As if the green and red color scheme of the floor generating mild hallucinations wasn’t enough to making me blow a fuse.

The knocking got louder, piercing my sensitive eardrums and making me partially deaf. What the bloody hell could be soooo important and at this time? Okay, I was being kind of dramatic. In truth I had no clue as to what time it was. It didn't matter anyway, it's not like I had stuff to do, people to see, dreams and goals to fulfill...

Well. That just got really melancholic, really fast. Nothing like forced social interactions to make you realize you were a hermit who more often than not wallowed in a cloacae of self-pity with a touch of self-hatred and a tablespoon of depression added in for good measure.                

Anyways back to the here and now. The situation with the door handle was fucked. There was no way I could get up, even if I’d wanted to (which I really didn't). My head was spinning and my lungs were on fire.

"Axel!'" That was what I wanted to say. What came out was a squeaking sound followed by a slur. To give you a better picture, it sounded like a drunk cockatoo was trying to talk.

However, my roommate answered my call and came prancing into the living room where I lay, annoyed and getting deafer by the second as the incessant knocking kept on going. He stood two centimeters from my nose and looked down at me like I was a cockroach.

Axel yawned, exposing his tiny tongue and even tinier fangs. He wrinkled his nose in distaste making his whiskers twitch, his tail swinging back and forth as if it had a mind of its’ own.

I grit my teeth and looked up the yellow Styrofoam covered ceiling that had once been white but age and neglect -mostly on my part- had it rotting faster than a peeled banana.

"You called?" He asked in the most condescending of voices. Okay, yes, Axel, my roommate was technically a cat but before you start thinking that I'm a batshit-crazy-cat-lady, let me tell you that was absolutely not the case. Wait, scratch that. I might be batshit crazy, happens to the best of us. However, I hadn't lost all my marbles yet. In fact just the other day I had found one of them under the couch.

Axel was an incubus stuck in a cat's body. It was a long albeit hilarious story that involved a witch, her mom, a barrel of demon ale and Axel not being able to keep his cock in his pants. Either that or Axel was a hundred year old delusion. I wouldn't put it past my mind to fuck with me like that.

"Open the fucking door!" I grunted still struggling to get up, my wings flapping around. I probably looked like a neurotic duck but at this point I didn't have the luxury of worrying about appearances.

"Are you expecting someone?" said while licking a paw.

I narrowed my eyes in irritation. Could there be a more pain-in-the-ass combination than an incubus and an orange tabby? "So help me god, Axel if you don't open the door right now I'm going to throw out all of your yarn balls!"

He pressed a paw to his furry chest, mouth and eyes wide open; the perfect portrait of outraged shock. "You wouldn't dare!" He growled. Well, "growled" was probably a slight exaggeration, it was more like a guttural meow.

I narrowed my eyes. "Try. Me!"

"You are such a bitch." He muttered as he climbed on top of me and leapt on to the door handle.

It took a few grunts and an ear-piercing meow but he opened it, landed on my face and propelled his orange ass from my nose. Yeah, and I was the bitch.

e

[honestdreams]

The One That Got Away Pt.1 | Jeff Atkins

“He still loves you.”

“Of course he still loves me. You can’t stop loving someone after the way we loved each other.”

“So you still love him?”

“With every piece of my heart.” I admitted my voice cracking as the tears welled up in my eyes.

Clay sat next to me, silent, so I imagined he was shocked. Obviously he would be, it had been years since our break up, why would someone still be in love with their first boyfriend? Their first love. Well, Jeff was different, he wasn’t like every other guy, he was actually nice and understanding, and didn’t hurt me.

Flashback

I chuckled at Jeff’s story as he leaned against the locker next to mine, explaining how he ended up at Walmart at one in the morning holding a puppy and a duckling. I finally met Jeff’s eyes again after my giggling fit and I realised they were locked onto me, I noticed the dilation of his pupils and a certain spaced out look on his face.

“Jeff? You okay?” I asked softly, placing a hand on his arm trying to pull him out of his dream world.

He stood straight suddenly with a flustered face, “Huh? Sorry I” He cut himself off with a chuckle and rubbed the back of his neck “I got lost in your eyes.”

I blushed and smiled looking down at my shoes to hide my blush, but I felt a finger lift my chin and I was face to face with Jeff again, “Hey, I don’t want to miss out on that blush or that smile, so keep that head up for me yeah beautiful?”

End of Flashback

I sniffed and finally realised I was crying when I could taste the salt from the tears streaming down my face, Clay rubbed my back reassuringly and I started to cry harder.

“I’m sorry, I know this seems ridiculous, I mean what kind of person still ponders on their first relationship with their high school sweetheart? And questions, what their life would be like if they didn’t have the fears and insecurities that ended their relationship in the first place?” I sobbed into my hands, hating myself for breaking up with him.

Flashback

“I-I don’t think can handle this anymore.” I admitted while twiddling my thumbs.

“What?” Jeff barked, immediately looking at me but I kept my head down

I cowered but took a deep breath and continued. “I don’t want to this anymore.” I sniffed feeling the tears about to fall. “I’m so afraid Jeff, that one day you’ll stop … loving me,” I forced out with a chuckle because of how embarrassed I felt.

“I tell you I love you every day but you still question it?” He pointed out.

I whimpered. “I-I know that but … i-it just doesn’t feel like … enough.” I stammered

Suddenly Jeff jumped up from his seat and I gasped in fear. “You saying my love isn’t good enough for you?”

“N-n-no I-I ju-”

“y/n we’ve been together for almost a year, and now you’re feeling insecure? I thought we got over this! I’m sick and tired of you acting like a scared child all the time! Why can’t you be like Jessica, she’s so confident and I love that, I wish sometimes she was my girlfriend so I wouldn’t have to put up with you.” Jeff spat and I felt my heart crack.

Finally, I looked up and into his eyes, I could see the pain and the sadness trapped behind his anger, I knew he didn’t mean what he said but it still hurt, so I stood up and walked to the door before opening it and mumbled, “Well, you can certainly ask her out now since you’re now officially single.” I walked right out that door and didn’t look back.

End of Flashback

“You know when he walked into school with Jessica on his arm the next day … I couldn’t believe it. I thought we were going to get back together, like every other time I doubted our relationship, but when I saw her in his arms, I knew it was over for good.” I confessed to Clay glancing at him with a hurt smile on my face.

“H-he didn’t mean to hurt you y/n.”

“Please don’t speak on his behalf Clay, I know he’s your friend but if he really wanted something to happen between us, he would be here instead of you.”

“That’s what I came to talk to you about y/n.”

Time froze and my heart stopped beating as Clay explained the accident that I missed out on when I moved away from liberty high.

“Jeff he wanted to tell you something, something he never got to say when you were still around.” Clay placed an envelope in my lap, my name printed on the front in Jeff’s messy handwriting.

I sobbed finding it hard to believe that he was gone and this envelope was all I had left of him. I thanked Clay through my cries and he kissed my forehead before leaving me to sit alone under the starry night sky, at the beach.

/

After some time, I felt as though I couldn’t cry anymore. The thought of Jeff not around anymore broke my heart. I can’t imagine a world that wouldn’t become brighter every time he smiled or the fact that he never got to fulfil his dreams.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath just listening to the waves crash down until I felt a sprinkle of water hitting me, I opened my eyes and realised it was staring to rain, I sighed and debated whether or not to move and save myself from getting soaked. I decided to stay where I was, feeling the rain as soothing instead of bothersome.

I felt my hair cling to my body and my hair soak up the water, sticking to my face, the rain started to fall harder until suddenly I couldn’t feel the rain hit me anymore, I looked up and instead of the dark sky I saw someone’s jacket lifted over me. I squinted my eyes and tried to see through the rain at who was saving me from the rain.

-

Who is this mysterious person? Do you want a part 2?

Masterlist | Part 2

Hey lovelies, so I’m in my final year of high school and I’m pretty burnt out because of school work and that’s why I haven’t posted anything, and I’m sorry for that but I have holidays soon so I hope I can write more for you guys. Anyway, thank you for reading and please don’t be afraid to request, be aware though I may have trouble fulfilling it or it may take a while sorry!

[alberteamllc]

ANIMALS (722)

In a private receiving room, Prince Anselm sits brooding, idly polishing the scuff-marks on one boot with the hard heel of the other. He raises a peremptory hand as an attendant enters.

“I know they’re here. I don’t have any interest in seeing them. Pay them and see them out.”

“But, um, your highness, they said--”

“They’re not men to make a habit of believing. Tell them our arrangement is at an end.”

The attendant quails. He’s paid relatively little, in exchange for a spacious room with a few other servants, access to the palace kitchens, the chance to shoot glances at the beautiful people-- his life is a good one, but for this, he feels, he isn’t paid enough.

“Your highness, they’re… what if they don’t take that well?”

Anselm turns in anger but the fear in the attendant’s face softens him. He’s still not thinking as a ruler. Some distaste-- some unfamiliar flavor of recrimination and shame-- lingers in his stomach.

“They very well might not.” A curt sigh like he used to hear from his father. “Tell them I’ll receive them. Thank you.”

He has a few moments to kill and he spends them pacing the room, testing the arms of sofas for dust, checking the time on the clocks, as if part of him cares how his visitors will be struck by the upkeep of the place, but he doesn’t care, it sickens him to think of their stain creeping over the marble floors and thick carpets of the place he’s always called home, this place of history, of majesty, and their dirty boots, their vile, barbarous smiles on their lechers’ lips--

The attendant clears his throat and the prince turns. They look out of place, like elements in a dream that sit a degree or two askance from their proper setting, like something in the field of vision that makes the back of the eyeball ache. Elias Ewer, the Lamb, doing his best to look like a dandy-- greying hair slicked back from a leathery forehead, thin moustache, those eyes like the eyes of a wolf in a trap knowing that it could still kill you in a fair fight and still longs to. It seems as if he’s tried to tie his cravat by himself and given up after a few attempts. His spats are speckled with something black. He’s wearing that signature cloak of his, the beast’s claws clasped across his chest. It stinks like cheap smoke. It stinks like a house burnt down. Next to him the halfling, Francis Flisk, who almost looks like he belongs in a place like this. He shrinks back under the prince’s look, trying to smile like he knows what he’s doing. And the elf. He’s seen elves like this before, and he’s seen the cast of this face. Men and women who had something they would die for, and often did. There’s an expression a face can’t make until it’s lost enough to know what it won’t abide losing again, and this elf is making it-- a tautness around the mouth, the eyelids slightly limp as if a thread has been quietly snipped by a million indignities. Gods, he thinks, he’s still going around in animal skins-- he’s either the slowest learner I’ve ever met or he’s refusing to let this city take the forest out of him. Out of the three he hates dealing with the elf the most; so much of him longs to respect him, but the company he kept made that impossible. It was a fresh disappointment every time. There is something in him he keeps trying to understand, and the bafflement frustrates him. The prince is not used to tolerating mysteries.

He plays this scene out in his mind. I grab Ewer by the throat, throw him up against a wall. Paintings rattle. How dare you come to my home like this. If I see your face again I’ll kill you and if I see it here, in these halls where my father ate and slept, I’ll kill you twice. He swallows hard against the void in his throat.

“Ewer, what is this?  Who the devil even let you set foot in this palace?”

“Fine thanks, how are you? But since you asked so nicely, I dropped the name of a mutual friend at the gate. I guess he didn’t want me swapping stories with the hired help any longer than I had to. Hell of a walk up that slope though. No wonder you rich bastards spend so much on shoes, right lads?”

“Well you didn’t need to bring friends. A dozen guards saw you come in. If you wanted to kill me-- well, if you wanted to kill me and get out of here alive, you’d need more than this menagerie.”

The trio stand about as if waiting to be offered a seat. After a moment the prince awkwardly dabs a mantel for dust one more time and coughs softly.

“Come on then, I won’t ask again-- what is this about? You’ve fulfilled the terms of our agreement, yes? And I assume you received your compensation?”

Another silence. Flisk is tense, like the only thing keeping him from bolting are invisible nails driven into his feet. The elf’s eyes are dead. Ewer smiles. Yellow teeth.

“Well, your Majesty--”

“Your Highness…”

“‘Hey, hey--Elias is fine. This isn’t about the gold. But I guess it is about compensation. You see, what you’ve asked of us… of me… it’s not just illegal. Why, I’d say it’s wrong. Just… ethically wrong.”

“Morally repugnant,” offers Flisk.

“And don’t think I haven’t heard the rumors. From the prisons. You think I don’t know prisons? People disappearing. First the murderers, the arsonists, the highwaymen, but then thieves, and drunkards, poor bastards who skimped on their taxes. People down there where I make my living-- down at the bottom of the hill, you see, or across the bridge-- they’re terrified to take on honest work these days. Not a burglar or fence in this town isn’t scared, and it’s not the scaffold they’re scared of, your Highness”

His eyes flick a foot or two behind Ewer’s hobbling pacing. There’s something in his voice like rotten fruit and the prince turns his head to hide the twitch he feels coming to the corner of his mouth.

“Do you  see what I’m getting at, your HIghness? You’re bad for my business. I’m losing money because of you. And then you offer me piss for payment?”

“You’ve received two hundred gold pieces per pers-- per head. Is that unfair? Your halfling seemed amenable to the terms when I offered them. If I recall he had to have his tongue rolled back into his mouth.”

“Things have changed! I didn’t know what this was about. I thought you were your run of the mill pervert, or some kind of deranged slasher type. Plenty of rich folk with time on their hands dabble in the old blood magic. A million reasons for a sick mind like yours to want that many warm bodies. Not my type, you understand, these old men and these drunks and these cripples, but you get what you pay for, don’t you. Oh, right.”

“What are you getting at? Make an accusation. Or take your money and leave.”

The elf and the halfling exchange tense glances. Ewer leers.

“You’re experimenting, aren’t you? You and your doctors and your… your wizards. You’re doing something to those poor bastards you wouldn’t do to yourself or one of your precious bridge partners with their soft, soft hands. I want in.”

“You must be joking.”

“Who else knows? That uptight prick Sarmasik? That foxy little whore of yours whose parents you’re paying off? How about your mommy, or does she forget about it every night while she’s drooling in her wine? I’m not loyal to you, prince. I don’t give a shit. Cut me in or I talk. Money or magic or power. I’m not picky.”

“You’re insane. And bluffing.”

“Am I? Or do I have all this written down in an envelope back at the ol’ chez Ewer, ready to be read by people who know people if I’m not back home kicking my feet up by the fire within the hour?”

The prince stares. He could call the guard. He should call the guard. Ewer sees an opening in his hesitation and leans forward, jabs a knotty finger. The prince notes his fingernails, the brown and the black encrusting them.

“I heard you got a visit from Sir Polywebb, your majesty. Always a thrill when great minds put their heads together.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“Sir Polywebb.”

He brushes away Ewer’s hand as lightly as he can manage.

“Ewer, you and I were never supposed to meet. If your halfling had done his job I would never have even heard of you and your sad, meaningless little empire. Learning your name and seeing your face was a mistake. The men you arranged to arrive here were given fine meals and soft beds. What they did when they left is known to them, not to me. You were paid-- and I force myself to utter these words-- as a broker of a charitable initiative. That destitute souls were ferried to the palace for some verifiable and richly witnessed generosity and then vanished back into the city is unlikely to set the journalistic world on fire. You brought me over two hundred men in the past six months. I can personally attest that over two dozen of them were provided with long-term jobs and are currently thriving. Certainly happier than you found them. I can have them here tomorrow morning to pass muster, if one were to insist upon it. You’re spinning tales. You’re working from the presumption that all men are men like you. Don’t presume to know me.”

That leer again. The prince thinks once more of a wolf-- the kind of wolf that only exists in folk tales, a caricature of a wolf, a slavering thing full of idiot hunger.

“But I do. I know what you did to our froggy friend. And I know that some of those poor and desperate souls that Fancy Francis here schleps up here for a hot meal never come down. And I know that they don’t die either, do they, Your Highness? No matter how hard they try, they don’t--”

He blinks heavily and when he opens his eyes again-- why does it take so long to open his eyes again?-- he finds a candlestick in his hand, and he finds it cutting through the air and connecting with Ewer’s face. It feels papery, unnaturally thin. Ewer buckles and puts a hand to his cheek and holds up a hand to his companions. The prince notes the elf’s hand already at his hip. The halfling trying to vanish behind a potted plant. And then, there It is on a table, looking. He sees It from the corner of his eye-- did he bring It here with him? Was It always here? It seems to tell him to raise the candlestick high, bring it down again, bash him in the eye, bash him again, raise it lower it again and again until the human below him is reduced to a mere thing, a fading leather sack of fluids and bones. The sack shuffles back and onto its shoulders, glaring, spits a thin gob of pink and red. It quivers viscously on the vine-ornamented carpet.

“Nobody does that to me, Insatsi. Nobody lays their hands on me.”

He gives into It, just a bit. On the side-table light from the fire catches It, shines off its sharp edges. A beautiful cleanness to it. Is that a look it’s giving him? An eye? Did it have an eye before, and did it burn so bright and clear? He kicks the sack in the ribs and this part of him revels at the sound of it.

“Call me Your Highness, wretch, or I’ll finish you here with my bare hands.”

The elf is taut. The prince knows how badly this could go but some part of him-- some part he finds himself coaxing-- wants it to. This elf could--

Ewer stands up shakily.

“I know what--”

The candlestick hits the floor.

“You came here to blackmail me. You can’t. No one will believe you, Ewer. Look at yourself. You’ve made yourself an animal. The people you call your own-- the poor of this city? They despise you. They work every day of their lives-- they grind themselves to the bone-- to be able to look in the mirror and say that they’re nothing like you. And you’d try to turn them on me? I’m a hero to them. No one has served this city like I have. And on top of everything else I’ve done, if I could ride down into the city tonight with your head on my sword, they’d cheer me. Get up and get out. I won’t be needing your services again.”

He smears the blood from his cracked lip. Even his blood smells wrong, thinks the prince with a reflexive start backwards. Ewer nods silently and turns, his phlegmy eyes dim but hateful like wet embers.

Flisk meekly mumbles something about being in touch as he crowds in between the taller men. Something tugs at the prince’s mind.

“Wait. You-- Misteltaine was it? Zozobra Misteltaine?”

The elf half-turns to face the prince.

“I don’t understand it. I don’t understand you. The halfling-- he’s made a name for himself as an opportunist. I can’t expect him to act against it, for good or for ill. But you… I know your like. You’ve suffered for something. Why are you here?”

“I owe Mr. Ewer much.” His voice a stone sinking smooth into still water.

“What could he grant you that would be worth…. all of this?”

The elf’s stare is impassive. He’s not at a loss for words, the prince realizes. He’s simply economic with them-- saving them up to accrue interest, and deciding that this moment isn’t worth it. He remembers a two-week siege on an elvish fort-town. Ancient. It was called… Atterdag. Atterdale? Something like that. When his forces had ridden into town, having routed the enemy army at the gates, he had been surprised to see on those elven faces not gratefulness or relief but hatred. It had confused him at first. They would live, some of them, because of his army’s efforts, a pitched battle which many good soldiers hadn’t survived. But their sunken bellies, their hollowed out gazes-- they hated him for knowing that his war would someday end. He would ride back to his palace and his footmen and hang his sword over an old, elegant fireplace polished daily by well-fed men and women. He had tried for years to find mercy in his heart for those souls who would live in that war for the rest of their lives, and would die in that war no matter where in the world they went. He sees that war again in this moment.

“I see it now. You want to see this city suffer. You want to see my people wither and weep under the thumb of men like your master. I understand.”

A corner of Misteltaine’s mouth seems to flicker momentarily towards a smile before resetting itself into a stoic slash perpendicular with his chin.

“You could be more than this, you know. I’ve seen men like you. I’ve seen them get well. I can help you.”

He hadn’t. He couldn’t. Ewer snaps his fingers.

“We’re out of here, pricks-for-ears, before the wildman here sics his security guards on us. We’ve got rounds to make, anyway.”

He pauses by the door, at that side-table. It’s still resting there. The prince’s body freezes up, every nerve commanding him to strike, to cut this cur down. Don’t you touch what’s mine. Don’t you even look at it. Ewer’s makes a little clicking noise with his mouth.

“So this is it, huh? Ugly little thing. Is it supposed to.. fit over your head or something? You wear it? Looks a little snug…”

“Leave.” Something in his voice now convinces Ewer. He leaves, Flisk a half-step behind him. Misteltaine, passing through the doorway, casts a last look at It, his eyes pausing on it as if he too sees, sees whatever it is that the prince sees and cannot put into words. One hand reaches out to brush it gently and the prince can’t find the will to stop him.

The elf whispers something in old elvish, the prince is rusty but it sounds like “Parent,” and the prince knows, yes, this is the crown’s name, what it was called by its makers and what it truly is. The elf exits, shuts the door behind him, but Anselm Insatsi is not alone.

[randomanonymousmusings]

Travel truths

You know when something happens and the entire way you look at something is turned upside down and transforms your life?

Something changed for me last night.  Facebook keeps sending me links to things like Remote Year (and other arrangements like it) and I ended up reading a bunch of blogs by people who did it/are doing it.  I wouldn’t want to do it at all, I have entirely the wrong personality, but what I read was shockingly illuminating on my own life.

I’ve been travelling since I was two weeks old and was born in a foreign country.  The longest I’ve ever lived anywhere is three years, and more usually it’s only one or two, and I’ve lived on five different continents in a variety of countries.  Since I finished university 18 years ago, my life has been one of nonstop travel and moving.  I always dreamed of travelling the world and I have done, not just as a tourist but often living and working in different countries, figuring out how to have a life there. 

When I was younger, I didn’t think twice about setting off to establish a life in a brand new country.  It was exciting and fulfilling and constant dreams come true.  I got older, got married, but my husband had a job he couldn’t take much time off from and the only time we ever went anywhere together was our honeymoon.  I spent more time away than at home. 

I burnt out.  Four months ago I got home from spending a month living in a country on another continent, a 14-hour flight away, and that was it: I quit travel.  It was on the flight over there, actually, when I promised myself that this was the last time.  I started small, promised myself that I wouldn’t get on another aeroplane for the rest of the year - and it was hard to stick to that when I got job offers for Paris and Muscat and Hong Kong during the following weeks and my instinctive response was to instantly say yes, but along with no flights I promised myself not a single new country in 2016 and somehow I managed to stick to that and stay home in London.  I did catch a few trains (to Newcastle, to Edinburgh, to Plymouth, to Bath) but each time was to visit special people, not to go sightseeing, not to ...travel. 

I’ve felt really down on myself for burning out, for needing to quit.  For all my life, my one driving need has been to travel.  There was no greater joy than an open road ahead of me that I had never seen.  I’d look at a map and be overpowered by the NEED to see what every road looked like on the ground, to see every hill and valley and tree, to know what the view was like around every corner.  That’s what gave me life.

Until it didn’t. 

It took me a while, actually, to accept I’d burnt out.  It started at the end of 2013, a year I spent almost entirely on the road (including a four-month stretch without coming home once).  I’d planned 2014 to be a massive year of travel across continents I’d not seen before, but a short little month-long trip at the start through central and east Africa finished me off.  I remember the moment, sitting on the endless white beach in Zanzibar that was everything I’d ever dreamed of it being...and loathing it, longing to be home in wintery, dismal England.  I still continued to travel, though, for nearly another three years, but I hated it more and more and eventually on that flight four months ago I officially quit.

As I said, I’ve been finding it hard to accept...until last night.  Until I read all these honest true accounts of what life constantly on the road is REALLY like, when it’s your LIFE, not just an exciting holiday.  Of the jetlag and homesickness and loneliness.  Of the stress, of the exhaustion, of the lack of control, of not understanding the language or the customs or how to tip people, of being constantly harrassed on the streets, having to be ceaselessly alert for scams and people trying to do you harm, of not being able to find the kind of food you need to be healthy, of dodgy illnesses but not even having a bed to burrow away in because you’re in the middle of a two-day bus trip across a wilderness.  Of having to figure out currencies and how much things should cost and where to buy decent groceries and get a haircut and how to get an emergency medical appointment for a prescription that ended because you’re ending up being away for three months longer than you’d planned when you left home.  Of what it’s like to live out of a suitcase, of repacking it every morning, doing the check of the room to make sure you didn’t leave anything behind, of handwashing your clothes and trying to get them dry before you have to pack them again.  Of not knowing when you wake up what country you might end up going to bed in.  Of not ever being able to make plans or book anything in advance because you might be on the other side of the world - even if it’s just two days from now. 

And that’s just a handful of things that are the reality of life on the road.  As these honest Remote Year writers acknowleged and reminded me that it really is tough and demanding and sometimes just plain horrible.

Yes, you also get all those fantastic moments of not being able to believe this is actually your life, the incredible adventures you have and fascinating people you meet and spectacular sights you see.  You do.  And you appreciate every single one of them.

Until, eventually, you don’t.  You just don’t care anymore.

So.  I’ve been home for four months now.  It tells you a lot about my life to know that it feels like forever - but in a good way.  A really good way.  I can buy fresh groceries and not have to worry about them all spoiling if I have to suddenly go away.  I can book a ticket to see a theatre show my friend is performing in a month from now.  I can say I’ll be at someone’s wedding in the summer and know I will make it.  I sleep in my blissfully comfortable bed every night and wake up knowing I will have plenty of hot water for a shower and good, healthy food to cook for breakfast.  I know what time I have to leave to catch the tube for work - and it’s the same time EVERY DAY!  I don’t spend half my time checking maps and trying to figure out timing and directions for the next morning’s job.

I’m grateful, don’t get me wrong.  I’m so grateful for the incredibly exciting and fulfilling life I’ve been blessed with, but I’m no longer getting down on myself for burning out on it.  It IS tough, especially when for most of the travel I’ve been on my own.  It’s really tough.

So I’m not doing it for a while.  And that’s okay.  It’s okay to feel dread at the thought of an aeroplane, of an airport, of jetlag and hotel beds and no vegetarian food.  None of that is my life right now, and that’s okay. 

Maybe one day I’ll get it back, that burning wunderlust, but for right now it’s okay to just stay home.