alberteamllc

[alberteamllc]

Sarmasik Red Part 4 (4/21/2020)

5/10/727

STARRING

“Bon” Jean Bovi

Flinty McClintock

FEATURING

Ardis Sarmasik

Doug

Emil Widsith

Ratmona Crudlow

Uri Raufetz

SYNOPSIS

Rumble Force defeats the spectral figures swarming Haruspex Hall, but Ardis is nearly killed and remains pensive throughout the day. They’re led by Doug into the forest to seek his wizard friends.

It turns out that their tower is only present at a certain time each day, so they have some time to wait. Flinty and her animals go out to search for the wizard’s other apprentice, Emil, while Bovi and Ardis remain on the highground just shouting his name.

Flinty finds him in the woods in combat with a grotesque monster and helps him defeat it, sniping from the bushes as it casts acid here and there and everywhere. The elven wizard is grateful and offers to repay her for her help.  He’s dressed rustically but has a slightly haughty demeanor but he agrees to help the party out, especially once he learns that Flinty is interested in vanishing cities. He makes vague allusions to his master being indisposed but offers to try to introduce them and, at the very least, to give them access to his library. 

Soon the tower is back into view. Emil explains that it cycles through several different planes at intervals. One of these planes, where wealthy Sallosians dispose of their trash and waste, is where Ratmona is from, a demiplane called Trashlantis. The group heads inside. Soon after Emil heads upstairs to check on the tower’s owner, Uri, Ratmona comes in muttering herself. The party makes a plan to ambush her and steal the heart, but Doug is wounded before Flinty finally manages to toss the heart into her bag of holding. Ratmona becomes apologetic. Bovi is slightly suspicious of the elves and makes a deal with Ratmona to go check on Uri. Him and Ratmona creep in behind Emil when he exits, and when Flinty spills the beans to Emil about their plan they rush back up.

Before they can interrupt, Bovi sees Uri in the throes of delirium, tossing and turning, and when he dispels magic he accidentally reveals a demon perched on the bed. This demon vanishes when Flinty and Emil rush back in. Uri is addicted to a potent elven concoction known as the White Hare, which can enable elves to increase their spell capacity at the risk of their own health, and is trying to convince anyone in the room to bring him some. When Emil puts his foot down Uri tells him to pack his things and go. Rumble Force continues to talk to Uri and he explains certain things about the planes, about how one of his colleagues has been interested in Old Eigreska, and advises them to offer the hag some token of suffering on top of giving her the heart back. Bovi is inspired by a bit of his advice and attempts to make contact with Old Eigreska, receiving in return a flood of visions of people on the island and a foreboding sense of the whole island coming closer and closer. Uri is brusque and distracted but is interested in their questions and invites them to contact him if they ever need more information.

They leave with Doug and cast Sending to find and meet back up with Emil. They offer him the chance to come with them and investigate the disappearance of the Old City with them in person which he eagerly accepts. He also mentions that he is curious to find out what happened to his half-sister, who went to Agresjia and has not been heard of for a few years. He mentions an acquaintance with Tavi, who he has also not been able to contact. Together Rumble Force and their new friends Doug and Emil head back towards Haruspex Hall to plan their next move on helping the workers with their hag problem and their Sarmasik problem.

[alberteamllc]

Father’s Day Part 6: 1/9/2020

Starring Abby as: Panther Panchali Flinty McClintock Mean Flinty McClintock Jesse as: Tamarin Sarmasik Jean Bovi Molly as: Ardis Sarmasik Featuring Jeanne Klops Guilotte Crevette Sunflower Helmet Sonny Vejovis Jindray Vejovis Leucosia Dreams Mik Muk The parties split up, Ardis and her father following Panther into the tunnel left behind by Sonny. Tamarin pries and insinuates, trying to help Ardis with her love life, alarming everyone. The trio fight through an ankheg-infested tunnel before coming to the spot where Sonny and Leucosia broke into the buried sections of the tunnel, a sepulchre for ancient Insaatsi rulers lit by permanent magical flames. This area is apparently accessible still, as evidenced by a somewhat-recently killed kobold who seemingly crept in through an air shaft before being slain (the tragic HOTDAD member Mik Muk). While investigating the ornate set of doors Sonny had torn off the hinges, Vejovis makes his presence known by possessing one of the royal corpses in the sarcophagi and pleading with the trio not to impede on his plans, explaining that someone was awry with death in the valley. He claims that Tavi and Sonny are both dead and attempts to muster up Mik Muk’s body, but it is quickly frozen and dispatched. They continue to follow the scent of Sonny’s vegetal body to a grate he’d set in place to slow them down but Tamarin bypasses it. They pass through Vejovis and Anselm’s old lab and encounter the immortal test subjects shuffling and rustling. Panther is deeply disturbed by this, even moreso than by Vejovis’ grim words, while Tamarin takes a chunk of the crown from one of the victims. They continue on to a corridor full of bioluminiscent flowers and moss and place whatever protective filters they can over their mouths, Panther tearing off a strip of her tunic for Ardis. Ardis however succumbs to discouraging hallucinations, causing everyone to be deeply concerned. She contacts Flinty in a panic, who is in a fight elsewhere. Finally they reach another hole, beneath which Sonny seems to have lain a trap and a trail of Leucosia’s feathers. Dropping down, Panther explains Leucosia’s deal and the urgency of the situation. However, Ardis is in no state to keep going, and hallucinates Beatrice pinning her to the ground with her cane. Panther convinces Tamarin to stay behind and nurse Ardis back to help, and to join her in the fight when they’re both back to 100%. She expresses her affections for Ardis to Tamarin and continues into an abandoned operating theater filled with reanimated flowering bodies. Sonny steps out and begins to vent his frustration and rage and the two square off.

[alberteamllc]

Father’s Day Part 3: 11/13/2019

Starring Abby as:  Flinty McClintock Mungo Fungo Dr. Jindray “Dad” Vejovis Molly as: Ardis Sarmasik Aparna “Panther” Panchali Jesse as: Bon Jon Bovi Featuring Daedalus Anuria Chanchala Chala’s Shadow Washy Whillikers Sanuwa Sawbones Hologram Hambeaux Tavi Feathers Vos the Armorer Puffin McClintock Jeanne Klops Vejovis’ Mother Vejovis’ Master Guilotte Crevette Leucosia Dreams Amrit Sunny Vejovis Gladys Vejovis Tamarind Thrush-Sarmasik

Everyone gets finished with resting at the CC HQ, except Mungo is still in the restroom recovering from his spore experience. Bovi goes to check in on him and finds him in the depths of a flashback, in which he and Washy mutually taunted each other in grief about the disastrous fight at the Sweetroll Mines. Washy spitefully plays him a bit of a tune and says he’s seen all possible futures-- this is both what Hambeaux’s next song would have been and what Mungo will hear on the day of his death. Mungo and Bovi leave the bathroom and hear from the crowded lounge Hologram Hambeaux picking out the same tune on the Cats’ baby grand. Mungo is shaken but puts it aside. Meanwhile Chanchala takes Sawbones aside and gives her a secret order to murder Puffin when she sees an opening-- in front of Flinty if possible. They all gather-- HOTDAD mk.ii, Rumble Force, Jeanne, and Sawbones-- and teleport into the throne room via Bovi’s key. They leave the halfling nerds and Vos in this safe space while everyone else heads towards the courtyard to rescue the other Crystal Cats, who, as Ardis finds out via Panther’s earring, are pinned down in between the palace and the wall of thorns. Mungo attempts to communicate with the spores to find out where Vejovis is, but instead is sucked into Vejovis’ memories, seeing his earliest days as an apothecary’s apprentice and his relationship with a mysterious collective entity that can help him cure and in one instance kill.

Rumble Force and co. sneak past some fungal guards towards a construction area with the intention of slipping through scaffolding and taking a shortcut to the courtyard. However they mistime a jump and while Bovi and Jeanne stick the landing everyone else plummets down with a crash. Bovi jumps down to join his friend but Jeanne stubbornly sticks to her high vantage point and runs off. As they assess the damage of the fall they realize they have a visitor-- singing songs of love and oneness, the Other Daedalus, dragging his dessicated body behind his crystal head, lurches from the shadows and makes off with the real Daedalus. Everyone is creeped out but decides to press onward to the courtyard through the ballroom.

Outside, there’s a break in the fighting as Panther calls for negotiation. She talks a bit with her comrades about what she can actually promise and discovers that with the royal family missing and Pitchfork taken out, she’s pretty much in charge of the city. As she grapples with this, Sunny and Gladys emerge from the palace, with a syringe held to the neck of their hostage-- the castellan, Ardis’ father, Tamarind Thrush-Sarmasik.

[alberteamllc]

Father’s Day Part 2: 10/12-10/13/2019

Starring Abby as: Flinty McClintock Puffin McClintock Mungo Fungo as: Mugo Mugo  Molly as: Ardis Sarmasik as: ”Tiger” Beatrice Catamount Maddie McCallister Jesse as:  Bon Jean Bovi as: Bon Jean Bovi Beldric Bolton-Sarmasik Aparna “Panther” Panchali as: Armad Arcanium

“Tiger” Beatrice Catamount as: Hesperus Hapax Featuring Tartuffe Eikhorn Greg Hogswain Egg Hogswain Syrup Hogswain Tavi Feathers Tantan Weechy The Bachelor Guilotte Crevette Chanchala Chala Carmine Whistling Marcel Reinrose Astrid Insatsi Ilan Sarmasik Fiz Albertine Rosenbee-Sarmasik Salomon Six-Fingers Jag Dillweed Gniece Quoyn Quilliam “Billy Wolfgang” Adavispa Aloysius Snaxxx Bertolt Breakfist Erasmus Rosenbee-Sarmasik Yotoni Toni “Tony Pepperoni” Hasdrubal Weil Hologram Hambeaux  C.A.R.B.U.C.K.L.E. Sanuwa Sawbones

Unable to quell Bovi, Tartuffe enlists Ardis to put him to bed with an interactive fable based on a favorite bardic college past-time, Jensen’s Aleatoric Combat Mnemonics. He explains the rules and instructs Ardis to play Tiger Beatrice, while Bovi insists on playing as himself. As he begins to tell the heavily abridged tale of the death of the vampire Oskar Sarmasik, Mungo barges in to take over and the two squabble and fight. 

While the night stretches on anxiously for the rest of the group downstairs, waiting for the princess to arrive with news, people trickle in and out of Bovi’s room to contribute to the story. Panther interjects with her own character, a rowdy cat-person named Armad Arcanium, Chanchala seizes control of the tale to have Bovi’s in-game persona beaten to death, and finally Tiger Beatrice settle in at the bedside as Hesperus.

Meanwhile things develop in the outside world-- fires and riots begin to break out across the city as Weil’s golem continues its advance, the palace has been engulged in a macabre fleshy bulb, and every warlock bonded to the valley falls violently ill. Astrid and Ilan arrive to brief Flinty and Mungo on the situation: ever since the wave of sickness hit the warlocks, Viceroy Pitchfork has been off the grid, and every member of his private army has seemingly vanished, leaving the city in chaos and the gutted Gentle Guild unable to restore order. The Wardens are split between trying to get through the bulb and attempting to put down the worst violence, mostly Kugari and the Colonel’s gangs taking advantage of the situation. What’s worse, the Viceroy and the Peacemasters authorized the use of the golem to destroy quarantined areas-- first the Old City, then the palace.

Inside, Mungo takes inventory of the wounded and weakened warlocks, and in doing so discovers Marcel Reinrose’s surveillance. Tartuffe attempts to explain himself but eventually gives up and wipes Mungo’s memory. 

Everyone gathers to figure out what to do. Tavi & co. reveal that they do have something close to a solution, a way of interfacing with the spore species that Vejovis’ spell has summoned and which constitute the actual pathogen of the plague. However to open up a channel powerful enough to banish them will require a massive expenditure of energy-- akin to the sacrifice Zimitra made decades ago during the last plague. They’ve accounted for this however and have three subjects prepared to chip in-- Tavi, Puffin, and Mungo. They explain that, best case scenario, they will be drastically fatigued afterwards, and will need an escort of strong warriors to help them get up the tower and back, as well as a fourth volunteer. Vos volunteers, rudely, but no better options present themselves.

Rumbleforce (and the Bachelor) agrees to go off and deal with the golem while the Crystal Cats escort the nerds. Astrid provides the assembled parties with a number of sending earrings so everyone can remain in touch.

With no time to spare Flinty gets Albertine on the horn and blackmails her into giving them a lift across town in her hideous horseless carriage. Flinty quickly becomes furious at her slow, safe, sane driving and seizes control, tearing through sewers and over ramps, quickly getting Albertine’s eventually destroyed car to the Old City. There, they meet with a band of Handsome Lads and the ad hoc ruling body of the island-- Bovi finally gets to meet with Billy and extend his loving sentiments. The leaders-- Billy, Gniece Quoyn, Aloysius Snaxxx, and an unnamed fourth-- have a plan to protect the island, but the spokesperson for the Handsome Lads, good old Jag Dillweed, proposes taking Rumbleforce to meet an eccentric retired halfling engineer, Yotoni Toni, the eponymous Toni of the “Toni Pepperoni” chain of pizzeria/arcades, to discuss a radical plan of his. Albertine reunites with her brother, briefly, and attempts to explain the situation with their inheritance, but he’s in no mood for this shit.

Yotoni has become a reclusive mystic in his cluttered garage, having flavor-blasted life until it became death, and kicked creation up a notch until it ate its own tail and embraced the generativity of destruction. In short he turns his back on pizza and animatronic characters in favor of enormous bombs and miniature tanks fueled by pizza grease and nitroglycerine. He shows them his bodacious masterpiece, a series of seven components which can combine into one fully-loaded war-machine. By turns incredulous, terrified, and delighted, Rumbleforce divvies up responsibilities. Bovi calls dibs on being the blue one and becomes the left leg, Flinty stridently demands to be the head, Ardis, crammed into an iron lung and doused in Trauma Sauce, is the heart. Albertine and the Bachelor volunteer for the arms, and Beldric drunkenly insists on being the dick (Toni obligingly lets him control the robot’s tail). Fiz bravely offers to be the remaining leg. They clumsily take off towards the bay and the slowly approaching golem, where Weil perches, controllings it moves with the help of the helmet. 

Things go poorly. First the robot blunders and falls into the water, then the Bachelor recognizes his boss as the pilot of the golem and begins to sabotage the whole thing, snapping off Albertine’s rocket hand and throwing it into the ocean, then sabotaging his own controls however he can. Rumbleforce runs damage control on his nonsense, Bovi by sending Hambeaux up to seize the reins, Flinty by summoning her new familiar thing to scramble the Bachelor’s brains. He eventually gives up and ejects. Meanwhile the Bachelor closes the gap and begins to savagely dominate the Rumblebot in melee, tearing off the tail and severing the leg. Bovi responds by kicking a hole in his hull, and after Albertine perilously leaves her damaged cockpit and crosses over to the Bachelor’s empty one, she and Flinty combine their attacks to take out the golem’s arm and heavily damage his outer shell further. The two colossi continue to tear each other apart again as Ardis struggles to reroute maintenence to where its needed most. In the midst of this she succumbs to the LCL or whatever and dreams of the day her father abandoned her-- but in this dream she meets Gus Flank, who begs her to rescue him from Weil and end his spree of carnage. He offers to lend her more power and she accepts.

Weil’s golem is on its last legs, so he gives one last final assault, decapitating the rumble bot and rendering the remaining arm useless, before personally running across to the robot to finish things. Ardis notes this and clambers out of the chest to meet him on the damaged neck. He taunts her for making her last stand alone, and flaunts his connection with the helmet, using its enhanced senses to effortlessly dodge even her most skillful attacks. However, eventually her friends join in from below however they can-- Albertine shouting inspiring words from the water, and Flinty, from the bridge, using her familiar or whatever it is to heal Ardis and distract Weil. Eventually Ardis lands a hit, and then another, shocking Weil and sending him into a fury of smites. Between his rage and a few well-placed potshots from the Bachelor, relocated to a roof across the bay, Ardis is reduced to her last few hit points when Weil suddenly freezes mid-swing, the helmet refusing to cooperate, overheating rapidly. As he sears his hands trying to tear the helmet off, Ardis presses her advantage, darting around him with Beatrice’s rapier until, badly burnt, confused, and terrified, he makes his escape, abandoning his golem and Pitchfork’s plan.

In the aftermath, however, the Old City Court’s own contingency plan goes through and the entire island fades from existence, unfortunately (?) with Albertine on it. Flinty is pessimistic and annoyed at Bovi’s hopefulness, and they take the moment of calm to check in with the other group. The halflings have been separated from the Crystal Cats by a rapid growth in the plant defenses around the palace, and have fallen back to Crystal Cats HQ, while the Cats themselves remain trapped within the palace ground. Rumbleforce decides to hijack a boat and go back to the mainline to pick up Mungo’s crew.

At the Cats HQ, an unusually helpful and cheerful Chanchala helps clothe and feed refugees from the chaos. Rumbleforce checks in with everyone and then Flinty goes to investigate. She discovers some shocking things-- first, that “Chanchala” is just a projection and that the “real” Chanchala is her shadow, which is off somewhere feeding. The projection explains that the warlocks’ pacts have been displaced by something else, a byproduct of the plague or otherwise some creation of Vejovis. Any one of them could be a potential enemy. Sawbones is still in her monstrous form, and everyone speculates that it has to do with her bonding to her haunted dad. Ardis reminds everyone that she has a bottle of Dad’s Elixir from way back when Vejovis was just an eccentric ally, and Mungo recklessly chugs it. Everyone is horrified except for Tavi and Puffin, who explain that due to a serum distilled from Vos’ blood sample, this will just allow him to try to communicate with the colony creature of the spores. Mungo moves off to burp in peace at the spores, while Tavi administers the serum to Ardis and Flinty in preperation for their final assault on the palace.

[alberteamllc]

Father’s Day, Part I: 9/4/2019

Starring Flinty McClintock Bon Jean Bovi Ardis Sarmasik Featuring Prof. Puffin McClintock Prof. Tavi Feathers Sanuwa Sawbones Vos the Armorer Aparna “Panther” Panchali Astrid Insaatsi Elbise Insaatsi Faris Svette Hologram Hambeaux Mungo Fungo Egg Hogswain Greg Hogswain Syrup Hogswain Suzie Cardinale Beatrice Catamount The Bachelor Guilotte Crevette Prof. Tantrum Weechy Maddie McCallister Tartuffe Eikhorn Ramon Silulimesh Galof Silulimesh Jeanne Klops Peacemaster Cambina Bell Peacemaster Triamond Bell Viceroy Stepan W. Pitchfork Hasdrubal Weil The party is all safe but battered and exhausted after defeating Helena. Their next objective is the Palace, but they’re too worn out for a fight, so they decide to head to the old CC beach-house to recuperate. Things are tense along the way as Vos is defensive and sullen and in no mood for a detour. They joke around a bit on the way, Panther compliments Flinty’s leadership to Ardis and goes over and gifts her with a copy of Robert’s Rules of Order. When they arrive, they find the Royal Family & entourage still there, watching the city descend into chaos across the bay. From the beach, the palace seems to be in troubling shape, surrounded by brambles and vines. Panther describes getting Sonny to flee at the end of their fight, but confesses that she left the situation in the hands of the Bent Nail so she could hurry to the university. Without any buffer around, the queen’s senility is more apparent, and she makes several confused and hostile comments confusing the young adventurers with the old Crystal Cats, even offering to buy Flinty. When the party runs their plan by Astrid, she reminds them that she can manipulate the gates within the palace without any need to fuck around with dangerous items. She volunteers to go with them while Svette stays behind to guard the queen. They all take a quick rest, and talk of Ardis still being in her prom attire, plus Panther’s quick change into her normal uniform, prompts a lot of hassling Flinty about her fashion sense. Everybody gives Ardis a ton of shit for thinking Panther’s real first name is Panther. Meanwhile Vos weedles the queen into letting him extract a vial of blood, explaining that it will reduce the number of sacrifices needed for his plan B. Nobody is happy about this but they fail to get the blood back and soon he sneaks off.

She tells them of a secret tunnel built into the base of the hill decades ago so that the Cats could come and go without causing a public stir. She shares more tales of the old crew, including one about Mungo getting a toe chopped off by a mousetrap, much to Flinty’s delight. While arguing about which of three potentially dangerous routes to take to the various gates inside-- including Panther lying about Flinty’s break-in to protect her-- Bovi remembers he has the skeleton key from the Egg Babies. Flinty becomes insulted and saddened that he got to go to crime prom and she didn’t.

They head back to the beach HQ to try to find an intact enough door to use the key. They find Jeanne’s adolescent bedroom door and warp through it. Once there, tuning into the right pocket of space is difficult, and too much for the queen alone, but Puffin, Flinty, and Bovi combine their efforts with hers and together they have enough time to go in, grab Mungo Fungo, his important lab materials, and get out. He’s sleepy and disoriented  but mostly ok. Puffin and Flinty gather up the rest of what they need, and Flinty spots Tavi stealing something but keeps it a secret for now. Outside, Mungo accidentally outs Tavi as a wizard, which she quickly confirms much to the shock of the princess and Panther, who reflexively draws her sword. The princess orders her to attack, but Panther refuses. She then orders Rumble Force to arrest Panther, but they also refuse. Her shock is cut short by Tavi confronting her with an unpleasant truth-- she needs one more spellbook to complete the cure: the princess’ late brother’s, Anselm, whose legacy has already caused so much appalling kerfuffle. The princess silently vanishes through the gate again and after some nervous talk about how to escape if she’s called the guards, she returns with Anselm’s tightly guarded book and tells them to get out before she changes her mind. Mungo consults with the nerds and surprises Flinty by calling her into the huddle. He praises her skill as a fixer and creative problem solver and tasks her with finding a way to make the broken transmitter usable. They decide that in lieu of the big pylon at the university, they can use the apex of the palace as a beacon. Mungo however needs more time to figure out what the cure is actually going to be.

They all head back in a somewhat sullen moon, Panther somewhat suspicious by the sudden revelation about Tavi. She decides to drop off at CC HQ with Sawbones to try to muster reinforcements, and meet up with everyone further uptown shortly. Flinty makes fun of Panther’s awkward flirting with Ardis, so Panther kisses her before leaving, flipping Flinty off with her free hand.  Everybody is just a little bit shocked.

Back at the base more survivors have shown up, and the Hogswain boys’ grandma is busy making a hearty dinner. Beatrice, who seems to have gotten over her beef with Flinty, takes her aside to assure her that the halfling prisoners are free, then leads Ardis outside for a talk. She reveals that she has been the Red Justice ever since Benedict’s death, but is becoming too old to safely fill that role anymore and wants to train Ardis as her successor. They talk a bit about what this means and Beatrice is frankly pretty rude. But in the end she gives Ardis her cowl, cloak, and sword, and asks to be left alone with her thoughts.

Flinty heads to the basement to help Nu H.O.T.D.A.D. out, with the two dwarves helping her with the transmitter. Eventually she takes a break to check up on Mungo, who is back in a melancholy mood. They share a drink and talk about leadership and Flinty’s potential. Mungo is worried about the pace she’s pushing herself, and talks her into taking a nap while the rest carry on. He leads her to a cot, makes a pillow out of his scarf, a blanket out of his coat, and gives a final toast to “the parties that Chanchala Chala isn’t in.” As he leaves and Flinty drifts off he wishes her good night, accidentally referring to her as ‘Mingo. 

Upstairs, Panther has returned with Guilotte, Jeanne, and the Bachelor for some reason. Guilotte goes to enjoy Bovi’s cat castle with him, wrecking it up with her feral claw. She tries to get to the bottom of the enigma of Bovi but slips up by mentioning that Billy Adavispa isn’t doing well. Bovi freaks out and attempts to immediately flee to his aid, causing Guilotte to freak out as well, shattering all the glass on the second floor and giving every halfling in the building a migraine. It takes Ardis and Panther to calm him down but they do because it was getting late irl.

After Bovi settles down Panther invites Ardis out to the garden for a smoke. They talk about their respective motivations and Panther shares her depressing backstory, and her fear that she’s only ever been compelled to be good. She shows the column of scars on her arms, tokens of the warlocks’ repeated deployment of her pact in battle. Ardis assures her that she’s good and puts an arm around her, and the two silently watch the night sky on the eve of battle.

Meanwhile out in the ‘burbs, bad guys are up to no good. A carriage bearing Vos, Pitchfork, both Peacemasters, a chain of condemned Handsome Lads, and Weil pulls up at a nondescript building by the banks of the River Aster, where, inside, an enormous cavern has been hollowed out, the inert wooden husk of Misteltaine preserved and restored in a giant trench and tended to by Vos’ priests. As Weil leaps down to survey the absolute unit, Triamond expresses his reservations and moral condemnation of the project, but reluctantly signs off on it in the name of necessity. As Weil finishes his assessment, a number of 500s appear and slaughter the Lads, hurling their bodies into the trench, while Weil sprinkles the wooden titan with the queen’s blood. As it begins to stir, Weil dons his helmet, and Pitchfork entreats him to take control of the gargantuan vessel...

[alberteamllc]

Wild & Pure & Forever Free, Part 2 8/29/2019

Starring Flinty McClintock Ardis Sarmasik Bon Jean Bovi Featuring Helena Merkava Puffin McClintock Aparna “Panther” Panchali Tavi Feathers Sanuwa Sawbones Hologram Hambeaux Vos the Armorer They fight Helena for three hours, what is there to say? She surrounds herself with a nimbus of golden, radiant limbs, and summons a horde of weapon marionettes, as well as puffing out spores and spreading plague.

It’s a difficult fight, especially since she can take to the air and is prepared witha bevy of defensive spells. However as they chip away at her, her temper snaps and she begins to fight aggressively, wildly drawing radiant energy from the party like lances and flinging them around, as well as emitting various auras and halos to damage and distract them. She also does an ok locking them down-- after Bovi surprises her by turning into an ape and doing some Donkey Kong slams, she dispels his magic and focuses on keeping him occupied with minion and begins to focus on healing herself.

Things seem dark for awhile-- Ardis is knocked out of the fight, and when Flinty saves her by yanking Helena away, she too is seemingly killed by the crazed priestess. However, Bovi picks them back up again, and soon Puffin is pulled out of his temporal lock and is able to help, sort of. Eventually Ardis reveals herself to be the most dangerous foe, picking Helena off with well-placed sneak attacks. In a rage and cornered by Bovi, Helena finally attempts to end the fight by tearing down Vos’ pylon, the parties entire reason for coming to the bridge, and toppling it onto them. The bridge is destroyed, and Bovi and Ardis tumble down to a lower catwalk as Flinty and Puffin watch in shock. The fight continues there, briefly, until Panther belatedly arrives and Helena loses her shit completely, seeing in her former leader’s face a symbol of betrayal and loss. Distracted and confused, she responds to the next few snipes from Ardis’ crossbow by swooping in and grabbing her, blasting at her as they both fly high above the tower. As she rants in despair about her life of pain and the unfairness of it all, Ardis slips her silvered rapier out and punctures her throat, ending the threat for good. The two begin to plummet to the ground, and though Panther gallantly makes a dive for the, Bovi has it covered with Feather Fall. As the two float down, Ardis, mid-air, performs a hasty triage on Helena and holds her hand as she fades into unconsciousness.

Meanwhile, as everyone else hurries back down to reconvene, Flinty and Puffin assess the damage done to the pylon. It’s beyond repair and it would take ages to re-erect it, but fortunately the transmitter at the top is fixable. They ponder what to do but for the moment put that aside and slide down to the others. As Panther tends to Ardis and Helena, Flinty rouses a wounded Tavi and Puffin stares mournfully at Sawbones, staring awkwardly. They talk about what to do. Puffin remains resigned to just dispelling all the magic but Flinty thinks there’s still another solution. Bovi, with some effort, summons Hologram Hambeaux, who is distant and patchy, trapped in Puffin’s pocket dimension with Mungo. They decide they need to go in and rescue him, and that they can do so by going to a place where the doors between dimensions are thing (the palace) and using some mechanism to force open a side-entrance (the carbuckle). Panther seems suspicious and notes Flinty’s new do as she relates holes in the planar security on the grounds but agrees to the plan. She sends Helena off with Sawbones to recuperate. As Flinty takes Puffin aside to discuss what to do about Vos, speak of the actual devil, here he comes! 

He’s patched himself up and taunts the party about their failure, and gloats about the opportunity to enact his own plan. But Flinty and Puffin do some passive aggressive teamwork and shame him into agreeing to help them out as they set off to find the rest of, I don’t know, HOTDAD 2.0. Where did Daedalus go during all of this?? I don’t know.

[alberteamllc]

Wild & Pure & Forever Free, Part 1 8/22/2019

Starring

Flinty McClintock

Bon Jean Bovi

Daedalus Inuria Featuring Oskar Harrow Inquisitor Adrian Harrow Steely McBeam Katydid McBeam Introducing... Philippe McBeam! Pitchfork 424 Pitchfork 426 Mistral Kurunthadi Princess Astrid Insatsi Queen Elbise Insatsi Dame Feris Svette Greg Hogswain Haurchefant “Egg” Hogswain Viceroy Pitchfork PM of the West Triamond Bell PM of the East Cambina Bell Ramon Silulimesh Golof Silulimesh Carmine Whistling “Tiger” Beatrice Catamount Washy Whillikers Chanchala Chala Sanuwa Sawbones Vos the Armorer Helena Merkava

-To be clear, Bovi had a wonderful prom. He reunited Harrow and his estranged husband Oskar, he taught everyone a grand new dance, he convinced two Pitchforks that their love for one another was natural and beautiful, and he helped Katydid deliver a healthy baby halfling, who he suggested they name Philippe. He was briefly alarmed by the sight of a bald Flinty impersonator but was otherwise able to enjoy most of his evening, easily winning the Desan Diamond from Mistral in a heated dance-off.

-In the present, Bovi successfully rallies the panicking crowd at the palace and helps them evacuate peacefully, stopping to heal several trampled and diseased people. He rendezvous with the princess, queen, and Svette, who sadly tell him that Ardis and Panther are presumed dead after rescuing them from Sonny. In the chaos, the Peacemasters are hurried away along with Pitchfork.

-He sends them off towards the old CC headquarters then sends the smoke from random flower bonfires out towards the sea, then rushes back to the RF base.

-There, Flinty is in a furious huff, with a ragged skeleton crew of party members-- Goloff, Ramon (who stayed at home), Carmine, and a reconstituted Daedalus. She catches up with Bovi and proposes that all they can do is raid the prison and try to free as many halflings as they can, unless her brother and co. show up soon with a better plan.

-Eventually a slightly sobered up Beatrice appears at the door, dragging Ardis, unconscious. She tells them that a prison break is already underway and urges them to consider, without any better alternative, repeating Mungo & Hambeaux’s solution to the last plague, despite the potential loss of life. She’s pessimistic because she says her ring, which keeps her connected to MF, has gone dead. He’s nowhere. Flinty starts hollaring and demanding to know if anyone knows a wizard. Beatrice snaps and tells her how to contact one but warns her its a bad idea and an unforgivable error. Flinty insists and Beatrice coldly tells her they’re done, their alliance is finished, and that she’ll do everything she can to inform Ardis what kind of person her leader is. She then hands over a worn envelope with a sigil inside, which Flinty recites.

-Spooky doings ensue and Washy Whillikers appears on the sofa to chat and grant a boon. He casts Wish to reverse Vejovis’ trap and unseal Puffin’s little dimension, freeing him and Tavi at the very least. As payment he demands either Fiz or Flinty’s house, but when she hesitates he puckishly offers to let her pass the buck: he’ll let her off the hook, but on Ardis’ wedding day he’ll come a-calling to collect his due and destroy something she loves as much as Flinty loves her fucking house or her weasel she can’t even remember to roll initiative for. Flinty, being an asshole, swiftly assents, presuming that Ardis will never get married anyway, and Washy vanishes, albeit not before giving Bovi five gold pieces as a treat. Bovi and Puffin and Tavi, dazzled and dumbfounded by the mention of a hypothetical wedding, argue about what third base is for some reason and Flinty is once again shocked at what they teach people in grad school. None of the three seem interested in or impressed by the lich.

-Conferring with Puffin and Tavi with Flinty’s findings at the palace in mind, they decide all they can do is head to the academy to try and convince Vos to let them use his relay system. Since Tavi is a wanted criminal and Puffin is a wanted criminal specifically wanted for killing academy interns they put on disguises. At the gates they meet Chanchala and Sawbones, the only Cats who seemingly made it out of prom in one piece. Chanchala gets an earful and lets them pass.

-However, the academy is in disarray, Vos’ facility strewn with bodies. Bovi tries the intercom and gets in contact with a terrified researcher, who says Helena came and killed a lot of people, who then rose from the dead infected with plague but blossoming. Before heading up to help, Bovi runs back to the entrance and borrows Sawbones from Chanchala, something which Puffin is far from comfortable with.

-The party splits in two to take care of the spore monsters. Ominously, some of them transform in mid-fight into celestial, armored beings who attack with radiant light and fluid, transforming metal. After a somewhat dicey fight everyone regroups. They rescue the trapped researcher and more portentiously they locate Vos, stripped of much of his armor, almost vivisected, and helpless under a pile of rubble. Everyone is startled to discover beneath his armor a frail, sickly looking boy no older than 14 or 15. Humiliated but still haughty, he begs for them to look away. Puffin loses all of his chill and goes to throw up after being hit in the face with his own gilded leg-bones. He and Flinty want to leave him there to rot, but Tavi and Bovi want to free him and get his assistance. Daedalus says nothing because Jules’ family is watching Supernatural and I think he’s making dinner. Eventually they squeeze a little info out of him and Flinty convinces him to help, in spite of his cold assurance that the plan he’s cooked up with Pitchfork, which requires tremendous amounts of human and halfling sacrifice, will be the one to stop the plague and Vejovis in their tracks. He tears off one of his limbs to help them bypass doors, and draws a vial of his blood, after Flinty recognizes him as the original test subject she glimpsed in her vision back in the prince’s sealed offices. Bovi’s curiosity is piqued by Vos’ description of Helena’s strategies-- attacking aggressively and scavenging her foes for parts, incorporating their weapons and armaments into her own body. He asks if Vos has anything he could use as a trap-- a weapon or something he could lure her into absorbing that would hurt her. Vos describes a vortex trap he keeps in his office to stop thieves, which Bovi makes a note of picking up. Puffin finally gets his shit together when Sawbones silently comes to him and offers him her hand. As they leave Flinty is torn, and almost gives into the desire to just shoot Vos while he’s lying there helpless. However she convinces herself that his arm thing might not work if he’s dead, and leaves him to his own devices.

-The group heads off with Vos’ arm to use the lift and travel up the facility’s tower. Everyone is exhausted and drained, so Puffin hesitantly offers to allow them to use his dimension as a temporary camp site, although he warns this is a dangerous and costly trick. They rest, and Tavi attempts to make amends for Flinty with the fight they had earlier in the evening, and for her caginess, but Flinty is in no mood for peace. 

-After resting they head out onto the cat-walks to the final stretch of the tower, and are met with the disembodied but hauntingly beautiful voice of Helena, a far cry from the hollow, shaky voice they’re used to. She offers them peace and health in exchange for joining her in the body of Vejovis. Nobody is that interested. She swiftly shows she’s not messing around by partially dematerializing Puffin and hurling Sawbones off the bridge to the ground far below, but manifests to talk to Bovi. She is now entirely armor with no body to be seen, hovering and radiant. Bovi offers her the bomb which she eagerly accepts before pausing to monologue a bit. She talks rapturously about the grace of Vejovis, and the gift he gave her after she’d pledged herself to so many false causes-- the torturous, twisting ministrations of Vos and the hollow sisterhood of the Crystal Cats. She describes in mythical terms Vejovis as a young doctor coming to the city to cure his two sick children, and how he was heartbroken and inspired by the many sick people he found in the metropolis, how his sympathy turned into a drive to curing everyone, to ensuring noone would suffer again. Flinty is familiar with Vejovis’ early days in the service of Prince Anselm and can scarcely conceal her disgust. Helena continues, talking about the perfect gifts he provided to his two children, and how ungrateful they were. In particular she derides Vos’ failures to live up to his father, and how much happier she is having turned her back on him and even having had the opportunity to give him a taste of his own medicine, what she describes as an edifying lesson in pain. Flinty puts two and two together and thinks back to Leucosia’s harrowing account of the Weeper’s empty coffin and presumably has an oh shit moment. 

-Having said her peace, Helena again offers friendship to the party. They’re not sold so she thanks them for the gift and puts the bomb into her chestplate. It explodes, wracking her body and damaging her armor, which seems to revert her a bit to her good old crazed personality. She begins to snarl and threaten, promising to show them the wages of their sin, etc, deploying the myriad weapons systems hidden away in her new form. They ready their weapons for what looks to be a perilous fight high above the city and mere meters away from their goal. -Meanwhile, so many people are missing or presumed dead! Here’s a partial list of important ones: Panther! Mungo Fungo! Hologram Hambeaux! Niko! Ilan! Leucosia! Guilotte! Aramingo! The Lamondian Royal Family & retinue, including Lamitt Pampepato! Steely, Katydid, and Baby Philippe! The entirety of the Bent Nail! Albertine Rosenbee! Tartuffe! The heads of House Sarmasik! Mistral! The Eggbabies! Maddy and Tantan! Pitchforks 424 & 426! Harrow and his husband! Who was changed and who was dead?!?? No, they all walked to Wawa together for night hoagies.

[alberteamllc]

‘A’ Prom in Warlock Street Part 4, 7/23/2019

Starring Flinty McClintock Leucosia Dreams Guilotte Crevette Featuring Goloff Silulimesh Albertine Rosenbee Grant Woolf Aramingo Fungo Panther Panchali Jeanne Klops Sanuwa Sawbones Chanchala Chala Helena Merkava Leucosia Dreams Zephyr Kurunthadi Fancy Francis Flisk Ilan Olin Sarmasik Ardin Sarmasik Shilan Sarmasik Gidris Sarmasik Lin  Sunny Vejovis Billy Adavispa Berno Halatali False Daedalus Gniece Quoyn Caowulf Cuddy Aloysius Snaxxx Bertolt Breakfist Erasmus Rosenbee Nico Kladenets Maddy McCallister Ramon Silulimesh Greg Hogswain Haurchefant Hogswain Tartuffe Eikhorn Puffin McClintock

Flinty finishes her little meeting with Mungo in a fine frenzy, and, still preoccupied with the ambiguously relevant issue of being spied on, decides to muddle through some of the accumulated sending stones in the place, with the vague intention of rigging up a way to contact... I don’t know, either Albertine or or other members of the party or something. It occurs to her that Mungo Fungo and Ardis had a matched pair and she briefly considers raiding the latter’s room while she sleeps, but decides instead to tinker with the stone given to her by Tavi. 

She first attempts to contact her missing friend through it, but is met by the gruff voice of a PF500 member and pretends to be a young Cockney lad who found the stone in the street. The PF500 urges her to come turn it in at the station and ominously warns that the owner of the other half of the set is dead. Flinty becomes consumed by paranoia and destroys her stone, showering herself in a burst of magic energy and disembodied voices.

She confers a bit more and heads out, first being accosted by an equally paranoid Albertine on her way to her favorite armorer. This is all for the best, as I guess she was sort of looking for Albertine anyway. She asks to be put in touch with a wizard but Al is cagey and strange, and tries to get out of the conversation, before acquiescing to at least conferring with one of the allegedly numerous wizards she knows. Still invisible (Albertine’s fault) Flinty decides to take advantage of the opportunity and do some snooping. She lurks outside of the Crystal Cats HQ and sees them leave in three groups-- Jeanne, Helena, and Leucosia heading towards the gates in a cart, Chanchala, Sawbones, and Guilotte sauntering off towards the waterfront, and Panther leaving on her own. She tails Chanchala’s awful crew down to the water and sees them slip across the river in a stowed boat, disembarking at the cliffs below Old Eigreska and beginning to climb up. 

She then gets around to popping in on Grant Woolf and orders a new set of fancy duds for the prom, talks to him for a bit, then we stop at a rest stop for like 15 minutes I think. Afterwards, Flinty moves around the city to covertly dispose of the broken pieces of her former sending stone (having consulted, I forgot to mention, with Goloff before leaving about how someone might scry out an object like that). While doing so she’s caught off-guard by Panther, who invites her out to discuss a collaboration over falafel.

The situation is that halfling gangs have been committing nonsense with startlingly powerful new artifacts, speedy machines and impressively hefty suits of armor, and nobody can figure out who the perpetrators are or where they got this stuff. Known halfling crews-- like the Handsome Lads, for example-- claim to know nothing about these crimes and appear incensed about them, and Panther, being an upstanding young lady from honest means, is unable to get a foothold in the underworld. Which is where Flinty (and Panther swears it isn’t a halfling thing) comes in. Their first lead is a shady halfling with a history of moving around different iffy circles, currently in custody at the Gentle Guild HQ (currently taken over by the PF500) for a mysterious charge of public nudity on the outskirts of the city. Flinty’s ears perk up and she begins to scheme how to kill him in his helpless position unbeknownst to Panther.

On their way to the prison they chat a bit about food and their childhoods. Panther has a taste for seafood and some proteins, having grown up in a harsh region not favored by the Valley. She remembers that she has a somewhat too-large pair of mittens that she made for Flinty, monogrammed “F” and “M” and embroidered with little weasels. Flinty puts them on backwards and yells “Mother! Fucker!” while punching, a foolish thing to do. She asks Flinty what a thoughtful gift for Ardis would be and Flinty says math or depression or muesli, I suppose she’s a pretty bad friend.

They arrive at the HQ and Flinty catches up with a haggard and depleted looking Zephyr Kurunthadi, who explains that many of the human Guild members were taken by the plague in its early stages. He sends them down to the cells with a few PF500s and Flinty is shocked to see the cages crammed with halflings of all ages pleading their innocence. Finally they reach Francis Flisk, facing the wall alone in his cell and unresponsive to Panther’s questions. Flinty pushes past everyone to boldly just behead him but he grabs her wrist, turns to reveal a pale, cracked face surmounted by the onyx nubs and ruptures she last saw on Ewer under the influence of his crown, and she passes out overwhelmed by images of carnage and despair.

Waking up in a large, suspiciously comfy bed, she discovers herself covered in bruises and extremely fatigued. Panther is summoned and explains that as soon as Francis touched her, she began to violently assault everyone else but him, and that, sadly, she lost the battle. Flinty is appalled to discover that she even attacked and hurt poor Fiz, who is summoned and cautiously nuzzles up to her. Panther is willing to hear Flinty out, and once she’s appraised of the situation, to Flinty’s surprise, she agrees that Francis is too dangerous to live and must be dealt with. The two hurry back to the HQ, Flinty carried like a baby in Panther’s arms, only to discover that they’re too late. A small fleet of Sarmasik carriages surrounded the base, and inside the entire clan minus Ardis and Ilan is present, having paid Francis’ meager bail. Ardin and Francis make smug comments to Flinty as they leave, flanked by guards and Ardis’ other two uncles, Ilan Olin (Ios) and Shilan. Flinty is still far too drained from her earlier fight to press the attack, but Panther makes an impetuous lunge for Francis, only to be stopped absolutely in her tracks by the icy gaze of Ardin’s grandmother. Panther collapses to the ground in shock and the Sarmasiks file out with their prize.

Zephyr rushes out as the PF500 taunt Flinty, who they still hate for throwing rocks at them, like, a year ago, and expresses confusion at her story. He claims to have been present for a thorough examination of Francis after the first incident and saw no signs of possession or corruption of any sort. He gently suggests that Flinty has been under extreme pressure and could use a break. Flinty works herself up into a true rant and passes out again, having yelled herself to death.

Meanwhile...

Leucosia enjoys a passive aggressive journey with a barely responsive Helena and a tight-lipped Jeanne apparently snitty about not being second in command after returning to the city. They are all on an assignment to survey the condition of Daddsford, which has been seemingly abandoned for months. After some squabbling, Leucosia decides to survey the area from above, while Jeanne sends out a mysterious spectral scout to scope out the grounds. Helena, crazed, is placated by a poultice Jeanne has brought. She ruefully explains that Helena depends on medicine to remain lucid and to dull her pain, but that since Chanchala assumed leadership the budget for it has been nixed, so she has to mix it up and forage the ingredients herself. They all commiserate and Helena, too noisy for a stealth mission, is assigned to keep an eye on the roads. It’s around this time that Abby and I stopped at Taco Bell and ate wet fries, and in any case, I’m too tired to finish this. Sorry Jesse and Molly I suppose you’ll just never know what startling sights met the 24 karat eyes of... the Crystal Cats!

Edit: Both report the village totally abandoned but covered in a thick vibrant of vibrant flowers. The flowers emit a strong, sweet scent that makes the adventurers by turn sleepy and delirious, and Jeanne’s attempt to curb the scent with a little personal whirlwind are only partially successful. The two consider cutting the mission short and reporting what they’ve found but they spot a human darting into a building and after some discussion decide to continue investigating (while deliberating, they share their opinions on other Crystal Cats and sort of become friends. Jeanne tells her about Gnermal and Leucosia reveals that she helped save Maddie and Tantan). A closer look reveals that the human is Dr. Vejovis’ protege, Sunny, now with a column of flowery mushrooms blooming up the side of his body and a florid red one waving like an anemone from his eye socket. Jeanne takes a shot from Leucosia’s talons that goes wide but alerts him and he darts back into yet another house. Jeanne dives in after him through a hole in the roof and Leucosia follows after.

Inside they find more flowers, and Jeanne is horrified to discover them growing from what appear to be fresh human bodies, although the clothes on the body are mildewed and aged. They back out into the street in alarm only to discover that the beds of flowers covering the streets are also planted on human bodies. Jeanne thinks back to Helena’s ominous warning that the town was “alive with death” and wants to try taking the pulse of one of these bodies, but Leucosia grabs her and takes to the skies. They decide to call Helena in to come in loud and just burn everything down. However, it occurs to Jeanne, a veteran party girl, that if these flowers are a drug or poison, burning them all on a windy day upwind from the city might not be great. Leucosia unsuccessfully attempts to call Helena off while Jeanne retreats to try to use some nature  magic to control the blaze if necessary. 

Helena blazes in and starts fighting, projectiles and divine weapons ablur, putting Sunny on the back foot. He flees but the bodies begin to rise, emitting sickly vapors and swarming Helena, who even in her armor is unable to fend them all off. Leucosia finds her courage and swoops in to assist but is shocked when Sunny’s arm extends in a braid of thorny vines and snatches her from the air-- due to the specifications of her pact, she is supposed to be invulnerable to harm that isn’t reciprocal, and she begins to go into shock. Helena perches over her, shielding her with the armored plates of her chassis, elated to be finally fulfilling her destiny, as she sees it, as an aegis and bulwark. However there are simply too many and Leucosia decides it’s time to run away and get backup. She attempts to fly off with a recalcitrant Helena, and finally succeeds in pulling the maimed young woman from her armored shell, but is knocked out of the sky again by more of Sunny’s thorns. Helena smiles and begins to calmly recite what she believes is her oath, drawing the requisite blood just as Gnermal darts in and ferries Leucosia away. Leucosia is in tears-- she knows that Aramingo, not trusting Helena’s judgement, left her without the failsafe that the other Cats possess, just a dummy oath, and that she’s been left to die. 

However, she tries to ring her on the sending stone anyway and hears her voice, calm, collected, and lucid, thanking her for showing that she’d to this point placed her faith in false gods. She mentions heading back towards the city for a reckoning and Leucosia starts to break down a little.

She and Jeanne regroup, and Gnermal is sent back out to make sure Sunny and Helena didn’t escape by way of the sewers, but the entire city is charred. Jeanne is totally drained from sending the blaze from Helena’s last stand out to disperse at sea (a really bad plan???) and Leucosia communes with her astral boyfriend Space Mountains to calm down. They muster up the energy to get back to Lin’s cart only to find it destroyed and overgrown with plague mushrooms. Lin himself is ok but describes being attacked by a walking Helena as well as Sunny. Jeanne stays behind, drained, while Leucosia follows their trail of blossoming footprints back to the city to a warehouse choked, again, with flowering bodies, and an open trapdoor into the kobold tunnels where the trail dies.

Meanwhile again...

Chanchala levitates up the cliffs to the quarantined Old City while Sawbones scales the face with Guilotte clinging to her back. They’re here to investigate the whereabouts of the terrorist and traitor Albertine Rosenbee, but don’t know what to expect on the ground. The only intel they have is that Albertine is difficult to track, but that her twin brother, Erasmus, was stranded there when the bridges went down. They’re soon met with resistance from armed guards claiming to serve the “Bonnie Prince.” Guilotte impetuously uses her sonic boom thing, wounding and annoying Chanchala in the process. The guards have a strange currency in their pockets, marked with cheerful symbols instead of numbers. They proceed further inland and stop at a tavern, where they split up to gather information. Guilotte discovers that the island is split into three zones belonging to the Duchess, the Duke, and the Prince, with the Prince serving as a peace broker and mediator between the more bellicose Duchess and Duke. He’s a friendly ruler who regularly walks the streets to see who needs help, but also received petitioners from his “palace.” Chanchala discovers that the so-called Duke is the former Gentle Guild sergeant Caowulf Cutty, who with a stranded regiment of Guild officers has set up a brutal but secure zone where he distributes meat of unknown and sinister provenance. 

With this knowledge in hand, they come up with cover identities-- Woozy Winkums, a seller of pornography, and Barbara, a liason for the Egg Babies. Sawbones is their troubled child, Toffee. Eventually the trio reaches the palace, which is separated from the mainland, the old Adavispa factory compound. A long line is coiling around waiting to take the ferry over, but Chanchala flies away, Sawbones just walks through the water, and Guilotte sweet-talks her way to the front. Within the compound, they see undead humans seemingly peacefully and happily going about their business, helping petitioners from the Old City carry gifts of food and drink and supplies back to the ferries. Despite the overall squalor and doom of Old Eigreska, the factory town is relatively cheery,decorated with motivational posters and paper garlands. They head into the palace where a modest banquet is set, poor-looking people eating bowls of soup and grains while Billy Adavispa at the head of the table sups on scraps, cheerfully pretending to slurp down soup while stretching out his meagre both. He looks happy but thin and weak, and greets them all happily. He and Guilotte walk along the elevated tracks of what was once the company tram-line discussing the situation and what each is working towards. He offers to deputize them as Billy Buddies to give them access to the Duchess’ territory, where Erasmus is located, in exchange for delivering a wagon of produce and sweets to the quarantined people there. The deal is struck and everybody parts ways. 

The Duchess’ zone is gaudily decorated with paper lanterns and streamers of red paper flowers, and is located in the neighborhoods which once housed a dynamic mix of immigrant and non-human communities-- even now, orcs, goblins, kobolds, and bugbears mingle wearily but peacefully in the streets with humans, gnomes, halflings, and half-elves. They split up once again as Sawbones peels off and heads away with a strange sense of purpose. Guilotte pursues and finds her locked in a staring contest with a peculiar mirror of Rumble Force’s Daedalus Anuria-- a lithe kroten body topped with a grotesquely oversized crystalline head. The kroten offers Guilotte a bouquet of colorful flowers and places a flower crown of similar make on Sawbones’ head before hopping off. Chanchala meets back up with them and reports an infuriating and annoying meeting with the Duchess, who sounds, to Guilotte, to be a similar personality type to Chanchala herself. The Duchess turns out to be Gniece Quoyn, a gnomish criminal who was once one of Ewer’s Lambs but escaped capture in the hubbub of the previous year. Her trademark golems are her muscle. However, Chanchala did leave the meeting with permission to conduct her business, as violent as it may get. She leads Guilotte to what was once a popular orc bar, the Goblin Marquette, which she says she once frequented in happier times. Inside she’s greeted familiarly by Aloysius and Bertolt, and the Cats are told to make themselves at home. However, Aloysius firmly tells them that they have no authority here, and are not to mess with or intimidate any of his guests or employees. Guilotte terrorizes him with her claw though until he gives in. He directs them to Erasmus’ quarters up the stairs.

He’s sitting there looking worse for the wear practicing for the night’s performance. As he turns, Guilotte notices that he’s already maimed-- two missing fingers, a missing eye, and a missing ear, which he explains were the result of his last interrogation by government thugs, overseen by Inquisitor Harrow after the attack on the Palace. He’s impatient with them and insists that he has no contact with his sister and that in general there’s no love lost between them. However Chanchala produces an ingenious and cruel torture method using the rings of empathy last seen shared by Mungo and Beatrice, and explains that one of such a pair is usually implanted in prisoners as dangerous and unpredictable as Albertine. She forces the other ring on Erasmus’ finger and Sawbones is directed to break his arm, and then Guilotte, showing her true colors, gleefully goes to town.

Skipping forward half an hour, an exhausted and terrified Erasmus finally cracks and reveals that he’d been contacted by Albertine months ago, looking to move some dangerous goods to an ally of hers. She’d heard through the grapevine about Erasmus’ proximity to smugglers and criminals, and how he himself had fenced several trinkets which he stole out of spite from the palace on his way out, including gifts from Prince Ethbart. He insists that he refused her help. Guilotte brandishes her dagger again and he doubles down, sobbing that he doesn’t know where his sister is, but if they promise to stop he’ll give them an even sweet prize-- a halfling traitor, renegage Starry Messenger, and wizard named Tavi Feathers, who had approached him about helping shuttle halflings in danger on the mainland to relative safety here. He’d turned her down gently but left the door open for broaching the subject with Aloysius or the Duchess. He hurriedly contacts her by sending stone and sets up a time and place to meet. Satisfied, Chanchala gives Guilotte an ominous nod and the tiefling advances with her knife a final time...

Erstwhile...

Flinty wakes up in the lavish Crystal Cats infirmary with Panther waking soon after. She’s worked up about Francis and panicking, and Panther attempts to calm her down. They share a smoke and Panther explains her philosophy of providing people respite, and that as adventurers they deserve to be able to enjoy their lives occasionally. She thinks Flinty should still go to prom, but promises that the next day they’ll begin, in earnest, a joint operation between their respective parties to find out what’s up with Francis and the Crown (top priority after curing the plague). Flinty gets her gear back, Fiz is all patched up, and they head down for breakfast with the other Crystal Cats. Well as you can imagine there’s a lot of information flying around but eventually they agree on Panther’s proposal. However, Panther is shaken by some of what she hears-- including Helena’s fate, the deception she was victim to, and the excesses of Chanchala’s leadership (although Chanchala and Guilotte heavily censor their antics). 

As the conversation shifts to prom, Flinty takes a moment with Sawbones, who is largely unresponsive but eventually meets Flinty’s sorrowful and kind words with a gentle touch of the cheek. Everybody finds out Flinty is going to prom with the mysterious Carlos Empanadas and loses their shit. In a hideous slurry of emotions Flinty heads out, picks up her fancy new armor from Grant Woolf, and finally returns home.

[alberteamllc]

‘A’ Prom in Warlock Street Part 3, 7/16/2019

Starring Flinty McClintock Mungo Fungo Featuring Beatrice Catamount Pitchfork #3 Nico Kladenets Ramon Silulimesh Carmine Whistling Goloff Silulimesh Greg Hogswain Haurchefant “The Egg” Hogswain Tartuffe Eikhorn Maddy McCallister Tantan Weechy Hologram Hambeaux Aparna “Panther” Panchali Jeanne Klops Aramingo Fungo Chanchala Chala

Beatrice and Mungo continue to reminisce, and Beatrice asks him his impressions of how Rumble Force fared as a team in the Palace of the Vocaloids, particularly Ardis. Mungo was impressed by their fighting skills but wary about their purpose and integrity. He tells her about Ardis’ fight against the simulated Beatrice and how savage it was-- Beatrice is impressed. Flinty drops off the weapons and evades capture by a Pitchfork patrol. She discovers a note in Cromply’s bed revealing that he has had to fake his death to keep the family safe, and that they are all in good hands, so she stands there and cries a bit before coming home. On little sleep she then blunders into a lot of Rumble Force drama. As she arrives, Pitchfork #3 is there conducting a suspicious audit, she suspects searching for the dubiously acquired weapons. Nico keeps him busy but eventually he turns to gossip and reveals his influence on the press, as well as revealing that in Rumble Force’s absence the press that published the fake Ardis memoir has been suppressed. Next Flinty becomes suspicious and annoyed by Tartuffe, making pancakes and appearantly having spent the night. She ponders the depravities of Ardis’ love life in fury and disgust while figuring out who is getting paid and who is not. She also meets Ramon’s niece, Goloff, who arrived a month ago to help install secret hiding spaces for Pitchfork sweeps, and who sets off alarm bells immediately. 

She checks in with Ramon about the condition of the friends wounded in the previous night’s fight. Daedalus and Bovi are in bad but stable condition, Ardis is battered but fine. Tartuffe, Greg, and the Egg stayed by her all night to help mend everything. Flinty, paranoid about surveillance, wonders if Ardis was bugged, or the base, or what, and asks Goloff to help secure the place against spying.

She then intercepts a fancily dressed Mungo Fungo and drags him up for a briefing on curing the plague. He interrupts by sheepishly presenting her with Mopsy’s disgusting hat, offering it as prom-wear. Anyway, their idea is that instead of mass-dispelling magic like they did before, they can isolate the specific spell causing the plague and dispel it on a mass scale, unwriting it as a “spell” as such. The problem is that that would require a wizard-- a caster that understands magic as the language of matter-- as well as knowing what the specific spell actually is. Flinty offers to help. Mungo’s vaguely pessimistic time-table is based on halflings being immune, and when Flinty informs him this is no longer the case he begins to panic a little. He indicates that there is now probably very little time.

Flinty then runs into Panther in the yard, who appears to be working with Nico to help start a garden. She talks about growing up in a place often out of favor with the valley, having to know how to grow things from scratch the hard way, and extols the virtue of it. Flinty softens a little and tells her to be nice to Ardis.

Mungo is met by Hologram Hambeaux, who observes that his depression has been detracting from his work with Puffin and the HOTDAD crew. She proposes that going to the prom might recenter him and offers to accompany him. He gets his hopes up but when he talks about visiting Aramingo she becomes cold and analytical again, although he leaves with tentative hopes of drawing her out of her shell.

Mungo struts over to Crystal Cats HQ to make peace with his daughter, and finds her emotional and receptive. He also finds that Jeanne has returned to the city, albeit keeping a low profile, and is eager to ask Bovi to prom. However things turn sour when she invites him onboard for her expansive vision for the future of the Crystal Cats-- a nation-wide army to replace the defunct orders of old. He’s horrified but she explains the benefits, as she sees them, of the stability and inspiration they represent, notwithstanding Chanchala and Helena. He rejects this and defends his Cats, she counters by arguing that their downfall was precisely not being beholden to a higher body, as hers would be. Mungo is no fan of the state at this point and is disgusted and horrified, especially as Aramingo begins to talk shit about her mom as a traitor and mad woman. She eventually lets him in on the long-term plan-- to eventually remove Pitchfork back to Bifrons as part of a transition from the waning rule of Queen Elbise to the ascendent reign of Astrid, and to install a popular but malleable figure-- Panther-- as a “regent” who could act as an unwitting figurehead for the capital. Mungo is heartbroken and bewildered but realizes that the return of everyone’s memories didn’t totally mend anything. He cautiously tells Aramingo about Hologram Hambeaux-- she cautiously agrees to meet with her and they part in uneasy truce. However.... her guard, peeping at the door, was Chanchala in disguise, who floats off cackling and scheming.

[alberteamllc]

‘A’ Prom in Warlock Street Part 2 7/10/2019

Starring Flinty McClintock Ardis Sarmasik Beatrice Catamount Mungo Fungo

Featuring Albertine Rosenbee Bon Jean Bovi Daedalus Anuria Marshal Chanchala Chala Kriwalke Sawbones Guilotte Crevette Pitchfork #6 Pitchfork #9 “Tiger” Cesnoq Leyland Jacqueline “The Lion” Bryl Felix Wychelm Washy Whilikers Zmitra Mehindru Hesperus Hapax Ricky Ringo Bingo Mungo Fungo  

The Bumblejacket continues to negotiate with Ardis and Flinty, who recognizes her easily as her former jailmate, Albertine Rosenbee. They persuade her to leave with just one of the weapons and will take the rest themselves, despite Alberteam’s warnings about the 500. Just then there’s a raid, and Chanchala, Guilotte, and Sawbones bust in, but Ardis manages to bluff them away, but not before Guilotte’s claw incapacitates Daedalus and Bovi.

They decide to hide the weapons in Flinty’s parents’ house.

Meanwhile Tiger Beatrice remembers her youth. She’s scolded as a cadet by Leyland for being cocky and sluggish, and her weapon is taken away, but for the upcoming battle against Washy Whilikers the leader of her order, Jacqueline Bryl, gives her a chance to act as a scout and liason with a young bard, Felix Wychelm. However things go very poorly in the battle. She’s rescued by a young warlock named Pitchfork, who is gathering the wounded in a safe location to be moved out, where she also runs back into Felix. Attempting to escape on her own, she runs afoul of Washy, and despite the intervention of Bryl, is knocked unconscious.

A year later, she and Felix, disgraced survivors, are on a busywork task to recover Bryl’s axe, which was looted by someone after the fight. They’re uneasily infatuated with each other but becoming fed up with their quest, and Felix toys with the idea of abandoning it and attempting a new life on the frontier. As they argue, they stumble upon Washy wandering the roads. Beatrice is spotted and meets him in awkward conversation. Felix’ attempt to backstab him is inept and he seems intrigued by their fear and hatred of him. He teleports away and returns with the axe, some money, and a bottle of wine, and tell them to enjoy a holiday on him if they promise to seek him out and take another shot some day.

The two return back to Agresjia with the axe and a new friend, Zmitra Mehindru. Beatrice however is rejected from her order, as Tiger Leyland, the new leader, tells her she’s pregnant. The three discuss what to do and decide to try being adventurers unbeholden to any specific order, and celebrate by running to watch the Mopsy Klops Wilderness Show. They meet an ambitious halfling, Mungo Fungo, who galvanizes their resolve, and they form the Crystal Cats.

In the present day Beatrice goes and wakes up Ardis in the middle of the night for a super late dinner at RIcky’s. She apologizes for her bad teaching and opens up a bit before offering to really show her everything she knows, beginning after prom. Ardis leaves, and Beatrice then summons Mungo Fungo, who is afraid she’s either dying or found out about Hologram Hambeaux. But no, Beatrice just wants to reminisce, which Mungo is weirded out by.

[alberteamllc]

Palace of the Vocaloids Part 3

Starring

Flinty McClintock

Ardis Sarmasik

Bon Jean Bov

Featuring

Mungo Fungo

Gnermal Gn

Laboratory Security Golem

Jeanne Klops

The Denim Symbiote

Tiger Beatrice

Hambone

The party rushes out to protect Mungo Fungo from being further battered by this big guardian, which is shifting back and forth in form but generally moving super fast and swinging a big cudgel around. It shrugs off the force of most of their blows but really does not like being hit by Flinty’s lightning lashes, but the more hurt and enraged it gets, the bigger it gets, pummeling everyone and screeching in a metallic cacophany. They fight for like an hour, it takes awhile because Abby and I are eating tofu and it’s too spicy. Everyone is flipping around doing parkour on pipes and clambering about. Finally Bovi blows it up with a sonic spell just as it swells up to fill half the chamber. 

They rouse Mungo and head back to finally reroute the power in the monitor room. They discuss what to do and decide to head to the museum next, as the labyrinth looks ominous-- Mungo can’t even remember designing it-- and the Child is already on the prowl for them in the Theater. Mungo offhandedly reveals that he remembers the Crystal Bravos and becomes shaken. He apologizes to Gnermal for forgetting them and for making everyone else forget them. Gnermal gets kind of flustered and runs away to scout ahead. The rest of the session is mostly just everyone grilling Mungo. He reveals a bit.

*To Ardis, he discloses the nature of his marriage to Beatrice, and the magic of their melancholy rings. He says that Ardis reminds her of Beatrice and Felix and that she should forgive her, no matter what she sees in the Palace.

*He reveals that he, Hambone, and Zmitra “cured” the plague before by temporarily quelling all the magic in a large zone. It caused a lot of infrastructure damage and apparently people died as a result. Zmitra also had to give up her life.

*He had let out Washy Whillikers to destroy the Heart, not to rescue it. He thought that only the lich would be powerful enough to do it.

*He shows them a scene of himself and Beatrice angrily confronting Hambone in her lab. She warns them that Sallos is burning through the magic granted to them by the pact and that they have about 40-ish years to turn it around. Hambone escapes as Beatrice moves to strike. Everyone starts to put together the pieces re: the dragons, the warlocks, etc..Bovi begins to ponder Hambone’s magic and tiefling stuff.

*He also says a little bit about Jeanne and Mopsy and the denim symbiote. He’s astonished at how stupid everyone is. Ardis mentions having a pact with a sentient orc helmet and he gets all upset. He also just can’t believe all this chicanery with Daedalus still.

*It turns out that Ardis, when she was a priestess, never had to be celibate after all. The other priests just tricked her.

Finally they head to the museum, after seeing strands of denim all over on one of the feeds. They arrive unharmed and peruse the lobby as a hologram Yungo invites them to join him on an adventure and to choose a weapon. Flinty busts the lock on the Birthday Boy/Girl box and finds a silvery whistle and whip. As she reaches for it Jeanne drops down from the ceiling behind them and demands she hand it over.

[alberteamllc]

Palace of the Vocaloids Part 2

Starring

Flinty McClintock

Bon Jean Bovi

Ardis Sarmasik

Featuring

Mungo Fungo

Gnermal Ng

The Child 

Ardin Sarmasik

Gilip McClintock

Dean Tomlin McBeam

Steely McBeam

Tavi Feathers

Tiger Beatrice

Benedict Catamount

The Crystal Bravos

Jeanne Klops

Mopsy Klops

Mungo Fungo hands the solvent over to Bovi who levitates up and frees Ardis and Flinty. They’re both unconscious and have puncture wounds on their necks, Mungo investigates and extracts a long silver filament with a little critter in the middle from Flinty, which had apparently plugged itself in. Ardis starts suffocating when he messes up, but Bovi saves her. 

Soon Gnermal returns to report on the shafts. They all end in depowered chambers. To move past them, power needs to be restored to each, but that would also activate the tower’s defense systems.Bovi inquires further about the tower��s structure. Gnermal tries to explain what she’s figured out over the years. The tower is made out of a mixture of matter absorbed from the earth, and materialized radiant energy. The tower “sketches in” its structure with the energy, which is “contingent” and can either exist or not exist, then fills it in gradually with absorbed matter, working its way up from the bottom. To reach the higher levels they can either wait for the next time it materializes on its own, or force the issue by rerouting all of the tower’s power into a projection chamber at the center of the current top floor, which would require of course risking ALL of the security measures being active. Mungo takes Rumble Force aside and says that’s all nonsense. Neither he nor Hambone could have made a system like that, and he gets really mean about it too. He says more about his marvelous Carbuckle and how it became sentient after awhile, which makes Flinty get pissed off and think about the Crown. They explain the Crown to Bovi who’s not excited. Mungo gets defensive and tries to distance himself from the Crown, professing some first-hand knowledge of them, and accuses RF of being irresponsible in sending Daedalus of all people to go get it, along with Puffin, who he calls spineless, and Sawbones, who he thinks they can’t trust.

 Mungo gives up and they all clamber up the first shaft to explore the maintenence hub. It’s in a freezing cold series of cramped round pods and tubes, arrayed around a big central room with a bunch of monitors and machinery banks.

Flinty lights one up with her lightning lash and they all begin to poke around the monitors. First they see a scene where Tiger Beatrice welcomes the Red Justice, apparently her son, to the Crystal Cats. She obliquely explains why she put Ardis in a barrel of bees, or rather why she didn’t NOT put her in a barrel of bees. It’s depressing reasons. Mungo has no recollection of this ever happening, but Gnermal objects that the reason her cats came here in the first place was on his command, to rescue the RJ. Flinty tries to poke around at a display of Mungo and Hambone, but Mungo tries to fight her off. Undeterred, she sees a romantic moment where Hambone gives him an artifact, a quartz and machinery heart that contains essentially an imprinted copy of her soul, her memories, her mind, etc. Bovi begins to cry. Mungo, outraged, storms out. At this point Gnermal points out something Hambone said-- that the heart could only be destroyed by a powerful mage-- and suggests casually that that’s why Mungo had them all meet with the l-i-c-h. Flinty asks if it was Washy and flies into another rage, blaming Mungo for the predicament of Narder. She explains Washy to everyone and they all speculate about what Mungo’s intentions were. Flinty says she’s going to beat the shit out of him.

 Next they see a live feed of the entrance chamber they passed through, and see it full of massacred 500s, and no sign of Jeanne. Troubled, they visit a scene from Ardis’ past where she’s mega yelled at, which she has no recollection of.

Next another live feed of the room where they encountered the phantom ball, a “scenario room” in Gnermal’s terms. The Child patrols through it in its broken down state, but seems to notice herself being observed and abruptly cuts the feed. Worried, they check out a young Flinty being introduced to Steely and Tavi. Suddenly the Child bursts in and slays her mother and father-- the young Flinty flees but is caught on the cheek by a magic ray. Although she doesn’t remember this, she suddenly has a matching scar. They command Gnermal to run and shut off the monitors, but just as she does so Flinty finds herself with an eyepatch, a new haircut, and the last name McBeam. Fortunately she told Bovi to write down everything he knew about her as this was playing out and they can piece together the time crimes afoot.

Desperate to figure out how to undo this, they tell Gnermal to turn the machinery on again. Bovi speculates that only people being absorbed into the tower or who were captured by it are present in the system, since he isn’t in any of the monitors. They ask about Gnermal and she gets cagey and evasive but press her on it and see a scene of her being invited to join the second cats, the Crystal Bravos. Flinty realizes that she knows one of them-- the kobold rogue Pupp Fuckman-- as a reclusive and elderly wealthy person, and that he’s famous, but that she has no idea why. Neither does Ardis. Still acting weird, Gnermal fiddles and discovers that she can manipulate the staging in the scenario room and even populate it with certain “characters.” She makes the queen and an orc appear and wave to the camera, then makes a bunch of Flinty’s do a human halfling pyramid. These Flinty’s don’t have eyepatches. She claims that she and her comrades Ronald Knight, Pupp, Summer Morodor, Osoho Oso, and Hod Whiteind, aren’t in there. Flinty asks about Jeanne and Gnermal says there are a bunch of Jeanne scenes, and that she’s impressed and baffled by the tower’s system of cataloguing and tagging each memory. Flinty is curious and asks which of hers are flagged-- it’s all the memories that intersect with the Original Crystal Cats, or with Jeanne. They speculate that the tower is specifically interested in taking knowledge and memories about the OG Cats, and that it discards people after that knowledge is taken. She speculates that it eventually deletes these husks, which is why her team-mates are absent. Flinty asks for the most salient Jeanne memory.

Gnermal shows them Jeanne as a young kid, hiding in a druid compound being raided by Sallosian troops. Mopsy comes in and finds her and is shocked, and tentatively reaches out to the child, offering her a cigarette and saying she’ll show her how to hunt anything she wants, which seems to be humans. They decide enough is enough and that it’s time to move on, when they hear Mungo hollaring from another room. They rush and find him being battered by an enormous simulacrum of Sawbones, and ready themselves for a fight.

[alberteamllc]

Palace of the Vocaloids Part 1

Starring

“Bon”Jean Bovi

Flinty McClintock

Mungo Fungo

Featuring

Ardis Sarmasik 

Auleigh Hambone

Aramingo Fungo

Hesperus Hapax

Zmitra Mehindru

Nunya Beeswax

The Child

Gnermal Ng

Locations

The Palace of the Vocaloids

Flinty, Ardis, and Bovi observe the asynchronic party and discuss what to do. All of the servers, musicians, and other domestic help are eerie pink shadow creatures with clawed extremities and elongated loping limbs, but nobody seems bothered by this-- instead, everyone is entertained by the celebrity adventurers and having a great time in the beach villa. Even after Ardis warns the party not to eat anything offered, Flinty and Bovi eagerly chow down on the snacks provided by the solicitous creatures. A drunk and disorderly Past Mungo climbs up on a piano and starts magically playing more raucous music, spraying everyone with champaigne as the partying truly erupts. Ardis decides to go talk to Past-Beatrice but just stands there saying “um excuse me” while Beatrice dances madly. Bovi and Flinty head to the door he erupted from using the revelry as a distraction. They’re intercepted by a burly man, Nunya Beeswax, who’s been assigned to watch the door, but while tussling with Flinty Bovi slips past and into Mungo’s study, where he finds evidence of a domestic spat, and unsigned divorce paper on the ground. Creeping along a corridor of locked doors, he also encounters a (non-monster) kitchen maid wheeling a cart of desserts. He chats politely with her and she asks him to tell everyone to quiet down a bit so they don’t disturb “the child.” Bovi presumes she means Aramingo, who was seen out in the foyer playing with weapons unattended, and leaves.

Meanwhile Flinty and Nunya are broken up by Hesperus Hapax, who takes a shine to Flinty and carries her off to do gelatinous cube shots. Flinty becomes very drunk and wild, and when Bovi casts restoration on her an unseen voice tells him not to cast magic. He gets into a brief altercation with a skanking goliath when he tries to find who was talking to him. They regroup with Ardis who is sitting alone at a table reading a book about wheat. They compare notes and after Ardis stops yelling at them for eating the food they decide to try to look for Mungo Fungo or, barring that, Hambone, who fled to a library/loft where scholars and such are somewhat less riotously mingling up above. Ardis spies an economist whose work is precious to her and scoots off to talk to him, and Bovi and Flinty follow after. Hambone is standing near the books being consoled by Zmitra and Flinty suggests to Bovi that she’d probably be very interested in talking to another tiefling at this point in history. He heads over and they strike up a friendship, with Bovi for some reason insisting that she shouldn’t get a divorce. She thanks him for his kindness and offers to show him around Agresjia and then leaves to rejoin the party and look after her daughter, unaware of what Bovi means by “the child waking.” As she leaves the unseen voice pipes up to Flinty, warning her about this child. Flinty, drunken and enraged, starts fighting the air near the rare books, which makes Zmitra come scold her. As the voice attempts to explain more, it is interrupted when Ardis comes darting back and bowls the invisible speaker over. Ardis is excited about having commited a time crime, spoiling the economist on the new developments in the field. 

At this point the shut double doors in the main foyer burst open and a procession of the pink creatures files through, wending a path and creating an ad hoc corridor for a pink-hued, ephemeral child resembling a stiff and unearthly Aramingo. She files through the room giving polite directives to the cowed and anxious crowd, all of which are obeyed without question. She makes her way upstairs and offers her hand to Flinty to kiss. Flinty gives her shit for no reason repeatedly as the crowd gapes. After three shots the child gets fed up and disintegrated Flinty. Ardis flies at the little punk and is disintegrated as well. The unseen voice whispers to Bovi to kiss the hand, which placates her, and she eventually exists, leaving the room in a state of disquiet. Bovi asks the voice to show itself, and it asks to talk somewhere more privately. Bovi heads to the bathroom, where he hears soft halfling weeping. The choked voice of Mungo tells him to go away but Bovi just fucking barges in. 

Mungo is disoriented and slightly amnesiac. The invisible voice, now draped in Bovi’s cloak to give it a shape-- apprently a levitating gnome-- introduces itself as Gnernal Ng, a Crystal Cat assigned along with their colleagues on a mission into the tower by Mungo Fungo himself. Gnermal is astonished to find out what year it is, and has apparently been wandering the tower for nearly 20 years, the last survivor of the party. They both slap and berate Mungo until he comes to his senses and remembers himself, although Gnermal’s band of Cats is a blank. Gnermal describes the palace as providing a shifting sequence of historical scenarios which they have happily relived hundreds of time, but warns that their companions, who tried to use magic to escape, were all assimilated or destroyed by the structure’s wards and guardians. Gnermal seems slightly crazed or in denial. They refuse to believe that escape is possible, but encourage Mungo and Bovi to forget about Rumble Force and join them in simply enjoying the pleasures and thrills of the palace for all eternity. Gnermal’s palace has long since been eroded and “digested” by the tower but they are still chipper and eager to try out scenarios with new active participants including a Mungo Fungo which the tower seems to recognize as its own and not as an intruder. Gnermal goes out to get them more champagne and Bovi unsuccessfully tries to pierce through Mungo’s resistance: emotional openness. 

Gnermal returns warning that Mungo’s wife is on the way. Hambone shows up in the bathroom doorway with a bunch of the guardian creatures saying she’s finally found the rat. Mungo think she means him but this is not the simulated Hambone from before but a manifestation of the tower who has ferreted out Gnermal, the bug in the system. Bovi attempts to defuse the situtation and Hologram Hambone begrudgingly offers to compromise by merely killing them all and absorbing them into the tower instead of just killing them all. She sinks through the floor and the guardians attack. Bovi drags the others out, Gnermal throws champagne in their faces, shorting out their optical sensors, and Mungo ineptly fires finger guns. They run towards where Mungo knows a secret room, as other party goers freeze up, glitch, and are converted into more guardians. In Mopsy Klops’ trophy room/love nest he drains a jacuzzi to reveal a hidden passage while Bovi and Gnermal fend off more guardians pulling themselves from her mounted animal trophies. Hambone herself intervenes by sending pillars of crystal slamming all over, pinning Bovi to the ceiling before Gnermal pulls him free. They all flee down the ladder but realize that it goes on way too far, and shifts into a deep shaft of the same glass-like crystal material. Bovi realizes that it is a variation of the stuff Daedalus is made of, and which Puffin, Daedalus, and Sawbones are currently off investigating. Apropos of nothing Mungo (Abby is controlling him btw) calls Daedalus an unstable psychopath. Bovi decides to test the range of the tower’s anti-magic capabilities by casting feather fall. Nothing happens and they all glide down. They see motes of energy pulsing through the crystal and into the surrounding soil and roots, as well as channels siphoning energy from the ground. Mungo speculates that this is the cause of the blight in the surrounding area. He grills Gnermal on what the tower was like when they arrived and realizes that it has grown quickly and immensely on its own in the intervening years. Gnermal asks if they can join the Crystal Cats if they all escape since presumably Mungo is still the leader. He gets sort of pissy.

Eventually they all land at the bottom, a large cavern filled with pools of toxic yellow liquid, more crystals and corrupted roots, and many more shafts of varying size extending back upwards. Encased in crystal they find the partially decomposed bodies of numerous humans and halflings and others-- Gnermal solemnly recognizes a member of her Crystal Cats, Ronald Night. Elsewhere, Ardis and Flinty are spotted, alive but slowly being encased in crystal. Mungo explains a little bit about his old miraculous belt, and begins working to brew up a solvent to free the other members of Rumble Force. In the meantime, having realized that Gnermal can fly, he sends them off to explore the other shafts. Gnermal asks Bovi to compose a theme song for their party, the Crystal Comrades, while they’re gone, and he obliges, while also taking advantage of the short rest ot heal up. 

[alberteamllc]

Rumble(force) in the Jungle Part 3

Starring

Flinty McClintock

Jon Bovi

Hixson Sawney

Featuring

Ardis Sarmasik

Mungo Fungo

The Bean Clan

The Sawney Clan

Jeanne Klops

Pitchforks #38, 54, 55, 118, 400, 71

Hollygram Hambone

Locations

The Margin (Bean territory)

The Margin (No-Man’s Land)

The Margin (Sawney Basin)

Hambone’s Laboratory

Recap

The party awakens in Flinty’s shack and finds Mungo Fungo already up, gathering mushrooms and herbs nearby for purposes he won’t disclose. While the halflings forage up some grub, Bovi enjoys a breakfast of wine poured over Muesli-- a diet which does not agree with Ardis, who falls ill and remains taciturn and sluggish for the rest of the day. They head off using his vague memory of their destination and Flinty’s orienteering skills. After a long hike they encounter a clear border of pruned trees, where they’re met by several guides from the group they’d dealt with before, the Bean family, and a strange, stunted looking halfling with translucent skin, Hixson Sawney from the Sawney family up closer to the lab. He declares himself the Lord of the Palace and says he’s in charge of taking them there, then decides that Bovi is the leader of Rumble Force and states that he’ll only negotiate with him.

Mungo Fungo starts flipping out over Sawney’s bizarre regalia, claiming that he’s wearing his dead wife’s things, and that his cloak is the pelt of his dead familiar. He refuses to continue unless Sawney returns them. Flinty takes him aside to see what’s up and learns that when Hambone died and MF set up her lab as a resting place he left Carbuncle, a magical creature he created from the bits of his powerful belt, to look after it. The party attempts to negotiate with Sawney, offering him Tavi for some reason, but Sawney only wants one thing in exchange for the cloak-- help accessing a sealed room in the lab that he couldn’t access. Taken aback by this, Mungo, who had previously lain down on the ground saying he’d just wait there to die, abruptly shifts tack, saying he didn’t even want the cloak anymore and pressing everyone to move on. Flinty tries to get a read on his strange behavior but meets a brick wall. Similar attempts to get a read on the mysterious Sawney fall flat too.

Further on their long trek the group suddenly hears the sound of rushing wind and dead leaves, as the area they’re in erupts into a torrent of leaves, twigs, and dry roots coalescing around the charred and blackened skeleton of an enormous bear that immediately attacks, nearly disembowling Bovi with its first strike and pinning him beneath its mammoth paw. After Hixson unsuccessfully attempts to put it to sleep, it roars and engulfs the group in a whirlwind of dessicated plant matter, slashing at their flesh and obscuring their sight. As Flinty desparately fires off shots into the chaos, and Ardis and Mungo ineffectually hurl their best attacks, Bovi escapes the bear’s grasp by polymorphing into a giant gorilla and dealing some heavy DK punches to it. With a deafening rush the bear, unseen, tramples past them and the leaves disperse, leaving Bovi, Flinty, and Hixson alone in an unfamiliar section of the jungle, from where they were last but much closer to their destination. Stunned and confused, the trio recuperates as Flinty inspects the strange flora and fauna of the area-- thick, pulsating leaves and vines, animals with extra limbs or other sickly mutations. Hixson, who knows that the food and water here is poisonous even to other halflings not of the Sawney family, observes this dispassionately without warning her of the danger. They silently make their way forward, taking care not to blunder into more danger, when they spot a burnt clearing ahead, where a trio of luminous golden willows swaying, but a closer look reveals the ravaged husk of undead dryads beneath the ruins. Hixson warns them of the danger of these creatures, but their attempts to sneak past are foiled and the dryads turn to billowing shapes of smoke and cinder and rush the group. After a brief but fierce fight in the smoke, in which Hixson gets a miraculous roll on his wild magic surge chart and strikes his foes with devastating bolts of lightning, the dryads are defeated but Hixson is down, and Bovi returns to his tiefling form to cure him. As they take stock in their situation Bovi and Flinty discover a curse has been inflected upon them, causing dead leaves to pour from their mouths whenever they try to speak. After Hixson cures them of this with Dispel Magic they each cough up a final grisly token, a thick knot of filthy bear fur, grown around the core of a human or halfling tooth.

Back to being able to talk, they assess their prospects. They’re in dangerous territory now-- usually halflings that need to cross here consume an herbal concoction that just allows them to keep moving for 2-3 days so they can just blitz through as carefully as they can. Fortunately the party has Flinty’s magic shack, but there’s still the question of Ardis and Mungo Fungo (nobody seems concerned about the halflings Francis sent along). They decide against Hixson’s protests to go back to where they initially were, a journey of half a day, to try to find either their friends, or the bear’s trail. They find nothing and begrudgingly decide to set up camp back towards where they had the conversation. In the night Flinty spies from the porch what she initially thinks is Jeanne out stalking them-- a denim-clad figure darting and lurking near the treeline. But soon she spots in the darkness more of these figures, many of them empty, one of them draped on what looks like a freshly bleached human skeleton. Hixson explains that these creatures are deadly, and like to ambush sleeping or unwary travelers, wrapping themselves around their prey and “wearing” them until their life is absorbed fully into the jeans. Because of the enchantment on the shack these monsters just skulk around until the dawn but Flinty is left unsettled.

After two more days of journeying the party breaks through a thicket and finds a steep cliff leading down into an enormous bowl-shaped basin, the ground apparently made of smooth, reflective glass, shot through with rivulets and streams of an unusual glowing water. All around halflings with pale skin and odd features such as huge glowing eyes creep from tiny caves in the cliff to sip the water, sometimes forcing the children to drink. These are Hixson’s people, although they’re so paranoid by nature that it’s dangerous for even him to approach anyone recklessly. Anyway he approaches some of them recklessly, rolls really badly on his wild magic, and is teleported away to a different dimension.

The halflings telepathically speak to Bovi and Flinty and confirm that the place they seek is nearby. When they express some confusion--- doesn’t the lab just appear at random in the sky under certain conditions?-- the halflings clarify that the ghost of the building wanders, but its “corpse” is here under the basic, and the ghost always returns to its grave. They seem very eager for the pair to make their way to their goal, and also confirm that Mungo Fungo, looking haggard and half-crazed, also arrived a few hours ago. No Ardis though, and they state that if a tasty human had passed through it would’ve just been lunch. Hixson suddenly reappears and the strange halflings congratulate him on bringing new offerings to the lab,and after rummaging back in their cave reward him with a big bowl of warm blood which he eagerly drinks while laughing like a maniac. At this point Bovi has had enough and takes Flinty aside to argue that they just abort the mission and flee-- it’s all too creepy and too dangerous, especially with a split party. Flinty takes umbrage at this, arguing that this is the place they went through all of the earlier shit to reach, and that it would be a waste to leave as soon as they arrived. Bovi isn’t budging though and polymorphs into a giant eagle and flies away, hoping vainly that Flinty will grab on as he does. When she doesn’t, he swoops back around, and is ominously targeted by a pair of halfling spells-- Hixson fails to force him to sleep, and a cajoling mental missive from one of the telepathic halflings fails to overrule his free will. This is more evidence for the Con column for Bovi so he flies off, circling in a panic to try to find Ardis. Fortunately he rolls really well and spots a very well-hidden encampment a little ways away, where Jeanne and a fresh bevy of Pitchforks have Ardis captive. Ever-charming, Bovi tentatively patches things up with Jeanne, and she releases Ardis as they all agree to re-team up to get to the lab. On the way Jeanne just talks shit about Flinty’s ranger skills.

They all re-convene at the basin. I guess Flinty has just been standing there awkwardly hanging out with the psychic cannibals. Anyway they trudge down to a hole at the bottom of the basin and a steep set of stairs into the darkness. Hixson explains that the thing with the new moon depends on a special sequence of holes punctured in the roof of the main chamber of the lab, through which starlight is supposed to shine, activating something or other. He’s being cagey, but Flinty can’t tell if he’s hiding something or just covering up the fact that he doesn’t know a lot about the technical details. Soon they face an imposing metal door in the darkness and argue about who will go in first. They bully Pitchfork #38 into doing it and soon learn that the Pitchforks are not a hive-mind as Flinty inexplicably thought. Soon #38 gives the all-clear though and they pass into a large round antechamber with doors leading off in different directions, and a strange perforated star-chart set into the ceiling. As they enter panels of inset crystal around the walls light up, casting the area in a dim green light, revealing Mungo Fungo passed out on the floor, looking like absolute shit.

As they mosey, everyone feels a queasy lurch and some of them-- Flinty, Hixson, and one Pitchfork-- see before them a tiny, levitating image of a petite tiefling, who warmly welcomes them to her Palace of Knowledge and invites them on a journey of learning. This phantom seems compelled to respond only to certain keywords, and can confirm that she is Hambone and that she can conjure food and historical scenes for them. Bovi pleads incessantly for food until Flinty asks the tiefling to pay attention to him, at which point he finds himself laden down with vegetable pie and wine. When the group presses her for information specifically about curing the plague, she states that this is classified and if they want to know more they should present themselves for evaluation in the middle of a beam of light nearby. Bovi steps in and is judged worthy. Jeanne cockily strides in and is judged unworthy. Flinty feels a wave of nausea and after a moment of indecision is deemed worthy. Hixson, who the tiefling seems to recognize, also gives it a shot. The tiefling sheepishly asks everyone present to cover their eyes, and in a flash of red light Hixson is declared Very Unworthy and reduced to ashes. At which the Pitchforks present all demure from trying it out themselves. Mungo Fungo, woken up with a sharp kick, refuses to try, saying he’s unworthy, but the tiefling helpfully corrects that he has already been judged worthy at the highest degree. Flinty loots the pile of Hixson and tosses the Carbuncle pelt back to Mungo, who throws it to the ground in disgust. He explains that he has no interest in wearing his dead pet’s fur, he just didn’t want Hixson to have it, and would prefer to leave it here in its proper resting place. Flinty picks it up again and argues that the floor of the lobby isn’t very respectful, and that as they move up they’ll find a better place for it. Impressed and touched, Mungo points out a pair of darts she grabbed from Hixson. He explains that they’re broken and in poor maintenance, but that if they get out alive he’ll fix them up for her, and that they’d suit her.

Those qualified to keep going discuss what to do next. Mungo says that he’ll lead the way into the next chamber. If he doesn’t come back in 15 minutes he wants everyone else to forget it, turn around, and go home. They don’t agree so he grumbles and says he’s going in alone anyway. He’s squirrely about how come but eventually just concedes, with a humbled voice, that he’s afraid of what they’ll see if they go with him. He passes on alone. After several minutes the sounds of lively music emanate from behind the door and the party rushes in. They’re greeted by a well-lit room with huge windows looking out over a bay, and a party full of well-dressed and happy people. A young Beatrice Catamount comes up and welcomes them heartily, accepting a handshake from Bovi proving that she’s very solid. Soon the tiefling Hambone from early bursts weeping from a room and grabs some cake while railing against the birthday boy, and is followed by a young Mungo Fungo, shooting pyrotechnics into the air with finger guns and welcoming all and sundry to his party.

[alberteamllc]

Kroten’s Eleven Part ??

Starring:

Flinty McClintock

Sister (?) Ardis Sarmasik

Featuring

Old Man Mungo Fungo

The Helmet

Rami Lapappierre

Mistral Kurunthadi

The Coincounter

Adonis Pleasance

The Great Phoenix Quetzalcoatl

-Flinty goes to Beppi Bepbep’s store to pick up her potions and the two of them accidentally start spilling the beans to each other. They share a halfling drink and yell at each other.

-Rami and Flinty try on the helmet and demonstrate new tricks.

-Ardis goes into the vaults with Mistral and Rami in disguise to check out some horse meat. They use the pretext of having Rami put into cold storage. They end up tripping the acolyte escorting them and then karate chopping him in the throat.

-Meanwhile Flinty goes in, also disguised, and spills her beast water all over the floor. Guards accost her as animals swarm in and make a mess. She drinks her transformation potion as reinforcements are called. Adonis tries to stall for time but sees the helmet and starts flipping all over and attacking. Flinty finally becomes a beast just as Quetzalcoatl dives down from his roost and they begin to fight, with Adonis clinging to her back and stabbing with his rapier.

-Back down in the basement they discover that Daedalus’ head has been chipped off and taken further into the vaults. Mistral puts her foot down a little but not very seriously. They hurry in that direction and face various traps. Ardis’ attempt to bribe the Coincounter goes awry and they’re sent down a chute into his lair, where they’re forced to fight through ghosts and other undead. Ardis finds a lockbox with her name on it containing several certificates of memory removal. Finally Rami finds a potential escape route, where treasure is poured down, but she’s swallowed by the giant floating frog ghost head of Daedalus himself!

[alberteamllc]

Kroten’s Eleven Part 1

7/28/725-7/29/725

Starring

Sir Daedalus Anuria

Flinty McClintock

Sister Ardis Sarmasik

Featuring

Tavi Feathers

The Great Phoenix Quatzolcoatl

Pleasance Adonis

Salomon Six-Fingers

Carmine Whistling

Gnucky Tungsten

Ajax Larvelle

High Priest Homenti Valda

Felida Swann

[alberteamllc]

Fancy That!

So there I was, your ever-humble narrator, enjoying a pint of something kind of fancy and minding my own business in one of the most chi-chi establishments on the Smallfellow main drag when who should blunder in one but one of those schmucks from the palace where I used to run that hobo operation. Of course he wasn’t in his dopey palace livery, he had on rags practically, which, like, was pretty racist-- this is a nice bar, wine and tapas and everything, look around you buddy, everybody in here but you is a halfling and nobody here has spent less than five silver pieces on their shoes alone, what, do you think all halflings walk around barefoot and eat ten breakfasts a day and live in pastoral squalor? Get real and try educating yourself for a change.

Anyhoo, he ambles up like he’s being sneaky and slips me this envelope. I guess after Prince Whoever had his big temper tantrum last time I went to collect what he owed me (it was embarrassing for him, but even more embarrassing for Ewer-- that moron got his adam’s apple turned to apple sauce that night!) they decided to try the “subtle” approach. Still pathetic. Strictly amateur hour. So I look him in the eye and loudly say “SORRY BUDDY I’M BY ENGAGEMENT ONLY THESE DAYS. IF YOU WANT THE FRANCIS FLIEG EXPERIMENT (my new nom du stage--like it?) I’VE GOT A SET AT THE BELL & WHISTLE FROM SEVEN TO NINE EVERY DAY THIS WEEK. NO ENCORES” but then just for the sake of appearances I take a little peak inside this envelope and holy st. merriwether dear reader did I like what I saw! Never let it be said I’m too stubborn to be receptive to a sudden change of heart. So I treat the bar to a round of the second cheapest champagne the place has and say hey look I’ve got this dry sense of humor sometimes, I really think we can work out a way to do business.

So I decide to indulge in some of that old-school Francis Flisk chicanery and dine and dash just to see what this stuffed shirt does about it. Squat. Good sign-- because I feel like his boss needs me for something illegal, and in most cases dirty money’s easier to get than clean money. Anyway we wind up at this apartment not far away, right on the edge of that human neighborhood, I forget the name, where all the hip young second sons and first daughters who can’t hack it in the dynasty game go to drink expensive coffee and become priests and priestesses of that tacky fucking bank. It’s one of those digs that you know the cops or the government keeps decorated in the most blandly tasteful and lifeless way possible to use for stake-outs and deniability stuff like this.

It turns out this job is my worst nightmare. It’s extremely hard work and barely illegal. Out of the shadows steps this cop. I know the guy. He’s crooked as the road to Schockonote, pardon a folksy halfling saying, the human audiences eat that shit up and it’s become a force of habit. Caowulf Cutty. A real bastard but he’d looked the other way for me plenty of times during my days with the Handsome Lads in exchange for modest kickbacks. But now-- what the hell?-- he’s acting like he’s never met me before and he’s got me pinned to the wall with his elbow at my throat and my feet dangling in the air, calling me criminal scum and this and that. Ok, sure, like he can talk. They make like they’ve got me in some kind of sting-- like, they caught me running tundra tar or something and if I don’t do what they say I’ll blah blah blah but I’m all like, yeah? Prove it. I’m clean, pigs (I’m not). After a while we work out a deal. I’ll keep 10% of the money in that envelope and they’ll stop hassling me about this alleged tundra tar business I did/didn’t do.

It’s like this-- once in awhile when I’m really hard up I’ll do a job for this guy Salomon Six-Fingers. He has a little tavern by the docks, slings this truly appalling sodfish stew but he’s a nice guy, honest, and somehow he’s managed to make a little name for himself running jobs under the nose of the Quiet Guild without getting killed despite being nice and honest. Mostly stuff the Guild couldn’t care about or fail to make overcomplicated because of course. And people work for him because obviously the guild doesn’t get a cut.. Or because they get off on pretending to have morals or professional ethics or whatever. Anyway one of the big things people go to him for is salvage jobs. Old ruins. Humans are too stupid to go into them because they think their precious mediators will pop out and say BOO at them and they’ll piss their britches so it’s good work for us halflings if we can get it.

All this time the dipshit from the palace hasn’t said who he’s working for. Like I don’t know. It rhymes with Rinse Cranselm Brinsatsi. But what they want me to do is they’re gonna leak Six-Fingers word of a ripe little abandoned mine called Sweetroll Hill and say the only thing keeping people out of that sweet ore is the fact that the place is overrun with the infamous Handsome Lads. Ok, yeah, “infamous,” big scary halflings running around with sticks and empty quivers. But I’ll get to that in a second. A little team is assembled-- including yours truly as the thief and the guy who knows the gang, knows the mine (which, I do and do, but again-- presumptuous and racist)-- and then we go and clear it out. But here’s the tricky part. All the way there I’m making little signals, leaving a little trail, and behind me, the fuzz. And on our way out, the triumphant heroes are caught red-handed with armfuls of stolen loot and a pile of dead halflings in their wake. I get off scot-free, the suckers who know about the place are in jail where they can’t blab about the location, and the “mysterious employer” gets to swoop in and take whatever he wants down there. Which sounds like a lot of work but again they wouldn’t drop this tundra tar thing. Oh well. The mine isn’t far and it’s run by a bunch of D-listers. Big-Stud Broly, who’s no Huge Hunk Haglund to say the least, and a snot-nosed little wannabe called Leander Hawthorne. If you want to know how vast and capacious the barrel they’re scraping the bottom of is, they’ve even got a goblin in their crew. I also get to help pick the team.

So obviously I’m presented with a moral quandary. I’m picking people for what’s essentially a suicide run. This is the end of the line for them one way or the other-- if they don’t die on the job (not impossible) or when the cops get rough with them (not unlikely), then they’re headed to prison for a long time. So I think and I think loooong about who I hate enough in this business to make this whole thing really hysterical and satisfying instead of just pretty hysterical and satisfying. I come up with a wish-list:

1. Davey Driftwood: This schmuck shot me with a crossbow once when he was guarding a caravan that me and the boys were trying to get our meat mitts on. He definitely doesn’t remember this but I know he kind of remembers my face because he always gives me this little nod and smile when we’re both at Salomon’s or that little place that gnome runs by the bazaar with the good bread. Couldn’t wait to wipe that goody two-shoes smirk off his face. He’s also some local celebrity upriver in the boonies because he knocked off some nobody bandit a few years ago. Occasionally some hick recognizes him at the bar and buys him one of those watery pee beers trash humans drink. I hate humble guys like that who don’t capitalize on a good thing. And I especially hate people who get famous for doing the cops’ jobs for them and then have the nerve to act like we can still be pals. DEFINITELY on the list.

2. Bloody Bonnie: B l o o d y  F u c k i n  B o n n i e. Ever meet someone who thinks they’re funny? That’s Bonnie. Some land pirate. Dumb term and anyway gnomes invented it. Yeah yeah, gnomes and halflings, different species, and I’d rather cut my own head off than kiss a gnome, but we little guys have to stick together and I hate it when humans bite our rackets. Speaking of which, right, she thinks she’s so funny. I’ve heard all the halfling jokes before and I’ve heard them all again another three dozen times from her. Wouldn’t kick her out of bed though. Had a brief idea about tipping her off before the bust and seeing how puny she thought I was after that.

3. Paolo the Exile: First off, what a joke. Who calls themselves “the Anything.” Can’t stand that bit. Second of all, I hate dwarves. I’ve only met the one but I hate stories about dwarves and I hate Paolo. Too quiet and I don’t like anybody who won’t show their face.

4. Roxan McClintock: People call her “Flinty” but she’s a Roxan through and through. You know these guys, these McClintocks? No, that’s McBEAM idiot, I mean the McCLINTOCKS. But don’t get me started on fucking McBeam. RIght, so-- I was born poor. My dad-- Moldew-- and my ma-- Instke-- they were both poor too. They grew up in tall grass over their heads and they worked until they died from it, because they were stupid. I’m smart. I knew I had to do whatever it took to have a roof over my head, with a chandelier on it, and a bed with eight pillows on it and a girl on each. And look, I’m young, and two out of four ain’t bad! The roof doesn’t leak and the pillows ain’t too shabby themselves! But yeah-- that’s why I degrade myself with these fucking jobs. Because I need to. That’s why I crawl through the dirt and show stupid tourist humans how to get through the swamps. For the money that I DON’T. HAVE. Roxan does all this shit because she “wants to.” Because “she ain’t no high class broad.” Yeah, stick a paintbrush down my throat already. She’s all “hey y’all” and “yeehaw” but Roooooooxaaaaaaaannnn is pure Smallfellow, get it? Her dad’s a university professor, her ugly brothers are university professors, they eat caviar and pear jelly with rich humans all day and wipe their asses with silk hankies. She should know her place and marry some rich tailor and cook fiddlehead fry every night and have a million dumbshit babies who marry rich tailors and so on and so on until they fucking choke on their gold pieces and die. If she wants to bark with the big dogs so much she can go bark in the kennel.

5. Huxley Swallowtail: This guy’s just awful. Just atrocious. Big hat with a feather on it. Pantaloons with stripes. Just the worst. The worst. Opposite problem as McClintock really. He acts like he’s some Seven Fingers of Sin gentleman thief but he’s really just alley trash who made his bones breaking arms for loan sharks and beating up younger kids for their lunch money. You can’t smother trash stink with fancy cologne.

But unfortunately I can’t pick all of these clowns so I write down DAVEY DRIFTWOOD in big block letters on the top of my little sheet of paper and then I roll a dice for the other two. Paolo and Roxan it is. To make a long story short the job goes fine. It gets dicey for a minute because I’m saddled with three incompetents. McClintock makes friends with some revolting hermit and comes back waving around some magic stick and later on they tip off the entire camp somehow and wind up cowering behind boulders. But it works out fine in the end. McClintock is shipped off to Fort Stolas to crack open rocks for the rest of her life-- priceless-- and Davey gets to have his precious reputation dragged through the muck. The best part is the dwarf-- he makes this pitiful “don’t worry about me, run, I’ll hold them off” martyr complex speech and just as they put a dozen windows in his stupid body he can see his friends getting hogtied and hauled away! God I wish he didn’t wear that fucking helmet so I could see his face when he realized he died for literally nothing. Exile, right, exile from reason maybe.

For a few days I’m walking on air. I have money in my pocket, shows booked, and I get to go to sleep dreaming of  McClintock and Driftwood toiling away in their cute little prison pajamas. But then that guy the Octopus shows up at my door. I’d heard stories but the first time I met him actually was the bust at the mine. He was in charge. I didn’t like him. His face didn’t change the entire time-- just straight lines. Before I know it I’m on the ground, can’t move a finger, and he’s telling me I’m coming with him. Well, not much I can do about it. So off we go and I realize we’re rolling up to the palace. I’m terrified. I mean, I’m cooking up a dozen escape plans but I’m a little scared, I’ll admit it. In we go and I’m trying to play it cool and he shoves me in this huge room with a fireplace and portraits of rich humans who look like they have permanent constipation and holy moley it’s the prince himself! Again. The first time I was kind of in awe of him. He knew how to run a good racket. But this time-- well…. I don’t know. On the one hand… I was scared. He didn’t… look right. Something lifeless about him. About his eyes. And that tiara or whatever, which, and I mean I didn’t get a good look, but looked like it was made for an elf head or an especially fat gnome head, it was… on him. Let me back up. It was on him but it shouldn’t have been. It shouldn’t have fit. It… there wasn’t blood but… I don’t… I can’t explain it. I… I was shaking, friend. But on the other hand it was kind of sad. This wasn’t the guy I’d seen knock the smirk right off of Elias Ewer’s face. This was somebody who didn’t know where he was going. You get a sense for that kind of thing in the circles I used to run in. People taking stupid risks and picking pointless fights because they’re just running out their time on this stupid planet and are trying to speed up the process. That was him. He looked exhausted.

But, you know, I tipped back over into scared pretty damn quick because-- oh, hey, this is off the record, right? Ok, good. Right. I tipped back over into scared pretty quick because he bares his teeth just like a dog and he’s on me with a fancy saber, just bludgeoning away with the pommel. I’m on my back with the first hit, because I’m fucking shocked, and then he’s got his legs on either side of me just going to town. I’m-- I’m blubbering like a baby, trying to wave my hands, say no no, get off me, and he’s got me by the lapels slamming me into the floor saying “Leave the McClintocks out of this, leave the McClintocks out of this, you filth, you worm, do not touch them, do not bring them into this” or something like that. Which-- what? Really? They’re well-off by halfling standards but what does he care about a pack of three foot tall hypernerds? But one way or the other he’s practically foaming. It takes that scrawny bodyguard of his to pull him off me. The guy dusts me off himself and walks me outside. He apologizes! He apologizes right to my face. I forget what I say. I don’t remember the rest of the night really. I got drunk. I got really really drunk.

But now he’s dead. Funny how that happens to people who cross me. And McClintock’s out of jail. Look, I can’t get revenge on the prince, because the idiot got to himself first. But when you mess with me and there’s something important to you, I’m going to do what I can to break that thing. And when you’re giving me a concussion while drooling some nobody poser’s name into my face, I don’t forget that name. And she’s not gonna forget mine.