#trying to find words etc etc etc
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I just want to say abuse is also complicated.
#itās easy to have an opinion on abuse and abusers when you donāt also know the human part of them#and in the midst of this I canāt help but think how different words would be from people#if Liam was someone they didnāt once love#(and I want to be clear that isnāt criticism)#trying to find words etc etc etc
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Kind of want to write an academic AU. Do I know for what ship/fandom? Nope. Do I have any plot besides mundane suffering and/or disturbingly specific catharsis for me? I do not. Have I written fic in ages? I have not. And yet. Here we are.
#hilary for ts#etc etc processing trauma through writing#also my novel is finished!#can't decide whether to bother trying to find an agent but that seems like a lot of work#and i have made a cover and everything so it would be easy to publish#bad news: there will be a sequel#i am already 120k words deep#but yes this is the definition of āno plot just vibesā#and frankly there are barely even any vibes#i just like to put my blorbos in academia and watch them suffer#for reasons
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Some more of that Chai joins Vandelay for half a day AU. Or just a picture of a kinda OOC Kale chilling if you wanna gloss over those comics. I'm still not sure if the colours are too garish or not.
These were mostly done with the premise of treating Kale's office like the hideout. I also really like how mundane, or familiar, the interactions between Chai and Kale can be in the game so I wanted to draw some stuff exploring more like that. But also, there's the ulterior motive of shipping so I included an out of context scene because I can't bother drawing the rest of it (though it seems like a huge jump in their relationship as a result. I think they're so big headed that they get stuck in a feedback loop of stroking the other's ego if an excuse comes up to do so)
#hi-fi rush#hi fi rush#hfr#kale x chai#kale vandelay#hi fi rush chai#hi fi rush korsica#i didnt spend any time finding a ref for kale's shoe sole so i made something up#besides that though i owe my life to all the uploaders of reference pics and interesting details in the game#sorry about the korsica comic i probably had no choice but to cram all those words into one panel. also i like the typo on that webpage#i gave myself an arbitrary deadline of the end of last month but found the pages to be too messy so i spent an extra week on them#whether that helped or not no one will ever know. i have to work on other things so im putting a hard cutoff now#i wonder if my want to draw perspective stuff freehand is a case of fearing what my limits may be or if its just a fear of the line tool#i adore that this game lets you add more to the music through your inputs (dashing on the beat etc)#just like the games i have thoroughly enjoyed from tetsuya mizuguchi#i seem to have too much time on my hands#thinking up scenarios is quick and easy to do while carrying on with the day to day#its when the brain decides you need to try to draw them that the problems occur#'tis mine
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my favorite thing abt tagging posts is pretending to be an alien watching earth through a telescope, writing tags to help me go back and find things for reference, and then turning back to the telescope
#and its worked because its easy to remember what each tag is for when i do this like 'earthlings' 'scrapbook' 'critters' etc etc#and ill look to the stars as i try to think of a word to describe the right feeling so i can find it later. grief. love. friendship#yapping#diary
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Woah Ser Valerieā¦ Thereās rose petals in the air when she fights!
#Altheya#altheyatde#my ocs#Ser Valerie#Iāve been trying to find a last name for her for the past week#And for me thatās usually just hearing or reading a word somewhere and going ācould that be a last name?ā#So this week I encountered the word āFlorettā which is the German word for a light rapier sword thatās called a āfoilā in english#English has the worst name for them#Because every other language used a variation of the French word fleuret#So itās florett floreto fioretto etc in most languages#We donāt know yet what language or region Mark is going to base the Suncrest isles on but southern french spanish italian etc should be fin#I like that word but it sounds a bit clunky as a last name paired with her first name (Ser Valerie Fioretto? Too long)#So Iām still workshopping that#Her first name came very easily so of course her last name is more difficult to find :(#I chose Valerie because itās valiant+flattery with a hint of Valkyrie and it has a latin/roman/italian origin#So a very good name for her!#Anyway wow cool drawing I like it a lot
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2024 reads / storygraph
At The Feet Of The Sun
book 2 in a slow paced high fantasy duology*
the right hand of the emperor (who is off searching for an heir) struggles with what to do after passing on his responsibilities and also discovering various pieces of information that are mindblowing to him, personally,
after adventure is thrust upon him, he travels to find His Radiancy and they go on some otherworldly adventures while growing closer and figuring out the nature of their friendship
(*thereās extra novellas & i think another book coming? duology adjacent, currently,)
#At The Feet Of The Sun#lays of the heart-fire#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#giggling and kicking my feet. and also crying#bro the yearningā¦.the yearning#I can definitely see why this loses people - itās so long and very self indulgent#(listen. i enjoy it a lot . but does it need to be THAT long (i just checked. 375k? lord))#but it is easy to read and also very funny. it felt less repetitive than the first book to me#I did find it hard to keep track of some of the side characters though#The first world-travelling stuff caught me off guard initially - I feel like all the weird magic was more background in book 1?#or maybe I just didn't pay attention.#taking a step back it is a bit like - kip sure does achieve everything and then some and just continues to achieve everything huh#and it gets to a point where it's like.....okay yes I get he's so talented at this etc etc.#but I guess itās a nice change of pace from the kingly swordfighting fantasy protagonist whoās perfect and wins everything -#someone whose skill is people and negotiation in a humble way is a bit more interesting. still. it maybe felt less grounded after a while?#the deep exploration of platonic yearning and desire for strong friendship and fear over that person just wanting romance/sex#when thatās Not what you want out of the relationshipā¦ā¦ā¦#not to mention his complex feelings over meeting two people who were like his platonic soulmate rolemodels#and then finding out they just used that term because gay relationships werenāt accepted and trying to not be disappointed#(because gay is also good!) but also like. so lonely in feeling like nobody understands his desire for a platonic soulmate#to be treated equally as romantic relationships are. oof#I am a little baffled to see people interpret it as a romantic asexual relationship?#I feel like that does such a disservice to the . everything that has been set up in what 600k words of books#like the implication of that is that you think other romantic rships w/o sex are unheard of in this world. I find that hard to believe idk#(I mean - a bit romantic on fitzroyās end; and in the nebulous queerplatonic area between friendship and romance; sure#but like a straight up romantic relationship just without sex - I donāt understand how it could be interpreted that way lol?)#(anyway other peopleās interpretations donāt matter)#I do have questions about the telepathic dinosaur soulmates. you canāt just mention that and now show me them#also. kip being like 'wait there were sirens? i wonder if i can hire them' kshfkjsgkf#asexual books
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In hindsight, it was very funny I was so baffled and surprised at reviews of Qi Ye saying that this romance novel protagonist didn't really seem to have any romantic feelings for his partner. I never noticed anything. I just thought he was being more normal about it. Anyway Jing Beiyuan is aromantic because he's just like me fr
#qi ye#i actually don't agree with 'he didn't seem to have feelings for wuxi'#but i do find it funny that more than 1 person was commenting on this like 'does he even love wuxi?'#well yes he does. but also i think part of the point was that jq had to choose! he had to make a choice about it#and he chose to trust wuxi and try out a relationship with him#just because it wasn't love at first sight doesn't mean there isn't great significance in jq's choices. also the last line of the novel#is wuxi accepting and giving jq the time he needs to give romantic love a try again. his words are precious etc#predestiny aside i think the novel makes it clear that maybe the love is kind of there now but it's going to take time
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Does anyone have a guide to know for sure what will and won't mess with screen readers? I mostly need to know if censoring words (like this -> āāāāāāā) completely fucks with it, or if it just reads out as "redacted" or something similar.
#muzz mumbles#I'm open to any resources anyone has!#I want my fics to be accessible to everyone so I do try to avoid things like colored/zalgo/etc text#but I'm not too sure about this#if it messes with screen readers too much I'll find another way to redact the words
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i find it extremely funny that my (work!! laptop!!!) version of microsoft word just. arbitrarily decides to switch back to english in the middle of a documence sometimes. we are not so different you and i..........................
#it's my WORK LAPTOP so not my PERSONAL computer (which i use libre office on anyway)#because i mean. it would be slightly more normal since i usually write in english on my personal computer (poetry etc)#but my work laptop is only ever used for typing french memos. and shit. so. ?????#it's so funny like randomly. in the middle of a sentence. i'll start getting a bunch of words underlined in red & blue#and word is like. trying to correct them based on english grammar/spelling rules??#out of nowhere. like me too buddy. me too#<- keeps opening wordreference to find basic french words because i can only remember the english ones when i'm tired#between that and my years-long conflict with libre office which still refuses to recognize US english#and instead assumes that i write in faeroese or quechuan (??)............#i have a masterpost of these cases on my main blog i'll try to see if i can find it again
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I would love to listen to your podcast (if you wanna have one) about anything, but something about languages intrigues me. Please, tell me more : )
had to think for a second about what this was about I'm guessing it's my Nopony In This Country Is Pronouncing Przewalski Correctly and now listen..... I have no more to tell you because the like. Concept of languages and within that phonology (the study of the patterns of sounds in a language and across languages) is so wide you wouldn't have enough of a life to say everything about it. Unless you got one thing in mind. But I'm Flattered. Idk if I'd be much of a podcast guy I love visual stimuli. shan't lie I've had for months the idea to do a. Franco-Cantabrian Archeological iceberg... with shit like....... Fontainebleau "water breaking" carving... the RĆ©seau Clastres Only Know Depiction Of [Animal]..... stuff of the sort. but oh well. FLATTERED.... maybe one day. Podcast ideas anyone.
#every few months someone in the patho fandom whos been there a while seems to realize the KH of Khatange or Khodo Khara or even Burakh is#not pronounced K but instead HH and idk if thats because i had the game in russian audio or because i spent hours on the different#Steppe Language pages but im always surprised this is new to some people. like well yeah its the x letter. mostly i dont understand like#not checking the pronounciation if youre unsure. the russian x is not hard to find audio from. its a little like youtubers who go āim not#even gonna try to pronounce this one XD''. but also im glad more people get hashtag aware because i think phonology is such a fantastic#thing to be interested in so. yayyyy.#it just kinda sometimes feels like. A great sense of incuriosity and lack of drive to learn. possibly from fear at a new foreign language.#but above all I'm truly glad more people are hashtag realizing hashtag finding it because truly with the internet pronounciation info#has never been so easy to find. even in english resources. godspeed you!!!!Language learner. Etc.#the wiki has every name (of characters + of places) and every steppe word written in both latin & cyrillic letters by the way that way you#can find what the cyrillic letter of a sound youre unsure of looks like and look it up :D it helped me a lot when i had to find more words#for ATA. good times#tldr it just makes sense To Me when confronted to a phoneme/sound youre unsure the pronounciation of to like. immediately look it up.#so im kinda baffled that ppl may go months being unsure. its not like cyrillic is like. hard to parse its as straightforward as other stuff#ring ring (answers)#anonymous#meiri podcast guy when after all. look at all that yapping
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i was looking up tips for formatting bilingual books (for example, a copy of idk the iliad with ancient greek on one side, english translation on the other), but i didnāt know the word describing this kind of format š¤
so i was stringing together keywords like ābook with two languagesā and one of the results was a reddit post with someone trying to find a book that alternates between multiple languages, i.e., there are no translations, itās itās one text, but half of the story is in english, then the other half, or interwoven throughout, is in french or whatever
and it took strength to not suggest the hussite trilogy š„“
#the elbow-high diaries#i need to read it a second time for the more bg characters and the politics. and i need to read it a third time for the dante.#and im chewing away at manuscript discovered in a dragonās cave rn and#im kind of torn between trying to read it quickly (learn the content) and trying to dissect sentences and spelling (learn some vocabulary)#so you could say im half of the time trying to pay attention to words and their spelling and learn them based on the translation given#and then i get caught somewhat off guard#im like āok that spelling isā¦ thatās not polish. what is this. german.ā#āokay got it. alright [moves down page] ok now heās just speaking latin for fun nowā#iām not complaining to be clear i just find it funny because thereās so many damn references and weaving together of different#languages cultures literary traditions canons mythologies etc.#it reminds me when i had just started reading interviews with sapkowski#and before then i had just read season of storms and i was like āwhat is all this latin how pretentious is heā#and then i read the interviews and i was like oh. thatās just how he talks#when the intellectual regis randomly quotes cicero in lotlā¦ i can see where that came from#also again to be clear i donāt think it makes one particularly uniquely intellectual to know and use multiple languages#i think its probably what the global norm is#but what makes it funny with andrzej sapkowski is that#as dandelion said about regis: ā(he) was an intellectual. and liked to demonstrate itā#but i think this is what i like about his writingāparticularly bc i never was especially close to anyone like this irl#though i think this is maybe for the bestā¦ sometimesā¦ intellectuals are best read and not known š¬š
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okay, i guess i will add individual arguments to the mangas selected eventually (<- no lo va a hacer al final), but i would like some peer review for these stacks.
Stack 1:
Stack 2:
#txt#still working on the descriptions so dont give it too much to the wording lol but that's the concept. so we're on the same line.#i could explain more but uuuh *is shy*#anyway im just trying to see if i would have to change works between stacks. take them out completely of if there's suggestions.#is the theme clear enough in the selection. etc.#i mean i made it for myself but mostly bc there isn't one already so i would like to find more hereon lol
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oh i've been trying to find this interview again, which i remembered mainly for the parts about [interviewing the parents which is so Interviewing The Parents] but has many fun details
The first time Will Roland auditioned for āBe More Chill,ā he didnāt get the part. āItās the reality of our business,ā says the actor, whose family moved from Manhattan to Locust Valley when he was 8. āOn any given day . . . you may be the person who is going to get the job and you may not be.ā But letās not feel too bad for Roland, whose theatrical trajectory is the stuff most people only dream of. At the same time he was auditioning for āChill,ā the sci-fi musical that made it to Broadway after its cast album went viral (more on that later), he was also involved with a workshop for, as he puts it, āanother little show called āDear Evan Hansenā.ā He got cast in that show, playing Evanās friend, Jared, a character who brings comic relief to a work that has its devastating moments. Roland looks back on his four years with the show as āan absolutely incredible experience.ā The writers worked āmy sense of humor, and the sardonic way I observe thingsā into this classic theater role of the clown, āthe one who comes out and observes the ridiculousness of the situation,ā says Roland, sitting in the balcony of the Lyceum Theatre where heās rehearsing his next big Broadway gig ā the lead in āBe More Chill,ā which opens March 10. Obviously, everything turned out just fine for Roland, and for āBe More Chill,ā a pop-rock musical based on a 2004 young adult sci-fi novel by Ned Vizzini that appeared to be dead in the water until the cast album went viral on social media. After the show played at a small theater in Red Bank, New Jersey, in 2015, āI thought it was going to be the next big thing,ā says Joe Iconis, the Garden City native who wrote the music and lyrics. āThere was so much momentum.ā But after a review in The New York Times that āwas not particularly helpful,ā interest dwindled and Iconis and his partners moved on. Happily, some things are meant to be. The Red Bank theater had enough faith in the musical to order a cast album, and suddenly the fan base exploded, videos were all over YouTube and fan art appeared on Tumblr. That led to an Off-Broadway production last summer that sold out before performances started, and eventually to the Broadway run, with Roland, who is part of Iconisā extended theatrical family, very much back in the picture.
Real people, real issues The young star was decidedly upbeat on Valentineās Day, the afternoon following the first preview when he says those extremely vocal fans ābrought some hard-core joy into this building.ā Like everyone involved, heās intrigued by the way the show took off, but really, he points out, itās nothing more than word-of-mouth, which ājust happens to be the internet right now.ā On the other hand, he says, āI donāt know that word-of-mouth has ever put so much wind into the sails of a production.ā When asked why the show resonates so strongly with fans, Roland says what they love about the show āis the same thing that I love about the show . . . that it is an honest depiction of real people dealing with real issues.ā Roland plays Jeremy, a nerdy high schooler who never fits in until he swallows a SQUIP (a quantum computer in pill form) that has the power to turn him into one of the cool kids. Thereās significant fantasy at play, says Roland, but āthere is truth to every one of these characters . . . it doesnāt speak in broad, heart-rending poetry, it speaks in really human language.ā Does he see himself in the character? āI think he sees himself in me a little bit,ā jokes Roland, who talks about first getting involved with theater at Friends Academy in Locust Valley, which he attended from sixth grade through high school. āWhat they created for me, first and foremost, was a space where I found community and acceptance and belonging,ā he says, which he notes, is why a lot of people start doing theater. Roland was serious about his goals āfrom the moment I met him,ā says Tracey Foster, director of arts at Friends. āHe knew what he wanted to do in life.ā As the title character in āOliver!ā one of his first major roles at the school, Foster says that beyond his ābig, booming, beautiful voice,ā he was ātouching, tender and scrappy.ā (Rolandās recollection differs: āMy voice was changing so it sounded really bad,ā though he acknowledges that heās āchanneling a lot of those days in this performance.ā) From the beginning, Foster says, Roland displayed āa wonderful combination of confidence and humility that . . . let him make mistakes and keep moving forward, pick himself up when he needed to.ā Those qualities, she notes, suggest that āheāll be able to survive the bumps in the industry.ā Foster was in the audience for the first preview and naturally thought Roland was āspectacular.ā But she also has raves for the production, which she first saw Off-Broadway. āThey grew it up for Broadway,ā she says, āin a way that was beautiful and fulfilling.ā
Acting in his soul Rolandās family, of course, saw his raw talent early on. āWill sang before he spoke,ā says his mom, Beth Roland, explaining that since she was a fan of āputting my child in front of a TV,ā the first words out of his mouth were Big Birdās alphabet song. Now, she says, āacting is just in him . . . itās in his soul. I think he acts in his real life.ā His dad, Bill Roland, who gets endearingly emotional when talking about watching his son onstage, has a simple response when asked about Willās success. āPassion,ā he says. For now, Roland, who turns 30 on Tuesday, is thinking less about the past than about opening night, managing the inevitable changes that Iconis and book writer Joe Tracz are throwing at the cast. He is getting married next year (check out Instagram for photos of his proposal at the ritzy but rustic Blue Hill at Stone Barns in Tarrytown). After that, who knows? āBe More Chillā could run for years, and thereās a movie in the works. No oneās called yet, but Roland says, āI would very much like to be involved.ā Wisely, Roland is not thinking too far ahead. āI love doing TV and film, new plays, new movies,ā he says, āreally getting to put my stink into a character.ā He looks forward to the day he can call his own shots and thinks at some point directing might be an option. āMy dream role,ā he says, admitting that heās borrowing the thought from others, āhasnāt been written yet.ā
Behind the music and lyrics āWhen I wrote āMichael in the Bathroom,ā I was writing about myself,ā says Joe Iconis, the Garden City native who wrote the music and lyrics for āBe More Chill.ā If you donāt have a teenager in the house, note that the runaway hit from the show has all but broken the internet (it has its own Instagram account with, at last look, more than 12,000 posts). Iconis says when he wrote the song, about a guy who locks himself in a bathroom rather than face the other kids at a Halloween party run amok, he was writing about his adult self. But, he adds, āI hoped that young people would relate to it because it is a universal thing . . . someone else is going through this, not just the character in the show.ā The success of the song and the show is part of a growing Iconis moment in New York theater right now. His musical āBroadway Bounty Hunterā will get its New York City debut this summer starring Annie Golden, and the cabaret group known as Joe Iconis & Family is set for a run in April and May at Feinsteinās / 54 Below. Sitting in a balcony lobby at the Lyceum Theatre, where āBe More Chillā is in previews, Iconis talks about getting the theater bug at 6, when his dad took him to see āLittle Shop of Horrorsā for his birthday. āI was immediately hooked,ā he says, but as he grew older he realized performing was not for him. āI was terribly scared to be on stage.ā With the support of his nontheatrical family (his dad is in information technology, his mom is superintendent of the Massapequa School District), the self-described ātheater nerdā focused on music and says he knew by sixth grade that he wanted to be a Broadway composer. āI was definitely the only child who could say that. Ever.ā As he works toward opening night on March 10, Iconis is focusing on fine-tuning the piece (āmusical changes, script changes, things we want to tighten, numbers we want to reorder and rearrangeā). Itās a huge enterprise, he says, but his faith in the show grows by the minute. He calls it āthe little show that could.ā
#try finding any interview or writeup about anything ft. will's family that doesn't have a note about how & they are so so proud of him#about how endearing that is &/or what great laughs people have & etc#the one worded yet genuine dad answer while your mom is speculating to the interviewer about your irl dramaturgy lmao....#AND we interview your middle / high school theatre Director Of Arts lol. & them being at that first preview like aw yay#is this written for like an audience of average age assumed 75? maybe. them saying ''young star'' like....will??#like yeah all of a month out from thirty but using that phrase i'd expect like. early twenties at the latest. more so an actual teen#just humorous....as are things like ''that was not particularly helpful'' lmao#the sesame street abcdefghi song lore is such a detail too. what trivia. what fun First Words#bmc#will roland#joe iconis#full text of the article here; the Formatting Breaks are from me driving back tumblr's block character limit with a large stick
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Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)
#twitter and other short form shit and everything being a Phone App On Small Screen instead of a Proper#Computer Website i feel like has just ruined the format of literally everything for me. Thoughts just keep getting more and more condensed#with detail and nuance taken away. everything over simplified into only the basics. blah blah blah. I've already probably rambled about thi#all before but it's just SO frustrating. I literally just CAN NOT talk that way!!! even if I try!!! I took multiple advanced placement#english & language arts classes in school and I literally never made below an A on any assignment EVER except for ESSAYS#where I would legit get almost failing grades just because I cannt express myself concisely. I took an english placement test thats made to#like evaluate your competency in a subject and out of the 102 multiple choice questions I only missed TWO of them. almost a perfect#score. But for the 5 open response questions (about articulating thoughts succinctly) I did not get a single one of them lol#I only got partial credit on 3. It's like I OBVIOUSLY understand the material and I know how Words Work and how to analyze and interpret#meaning and etc. etc. But it's just when I have to express myself CLEANLY I can't. It's always ''well you have very good points and you#get around to the idea eventually and I think it's very insightful - but it just needs to be shorter/the side tangent needs to be removed/#etc.'' I've always wondered if it has something to do with being on the schizophrenia spectrum and how that can cause disorganized#speech sometimes hmm..ANYWAY.. But I just naturally express myself in a very particular way which is lengthy and I can't rea#ly seem to control it. So it's basically like just.. being gradually pushed out of every place that won't accomodate people with different#ways of like perceiving and expressing or etc. Everything cannot ALWAYS be 100% 'Short and Snappy and To The Point' or a quippy one#liner or the Bare Minimum of information being provided or etc. Some peoples brains just do not work like that!!!!! Sorry I operate#in detail and elaboration lol. ANYWAY.. I still sometimes use random ''dating sites'' like OKCupid to look for platonic friends since#I never leave the house so it's hard for me to just meet friends naturally. And I just realized today that they added a RIDICULOUSLY small#character limit to their messaging system (2000 words?? augh). And also took away answer explanations (when you answer a compatibility#question you used to have a space to give detail and explain why you answered the way you did) and removed a few other features and it's ju#t like.. how the fuck is any of this actually helpful in terms of judging compatibility? take away ALL nuance and anyting that actually#is meant to tell you anything about a person? Bumble's character limits for your profile description are even more fucking insane and so#is every other disgustingly minimalistic place I've seen like.. OKC used to be superior BECAUSE it allowed for a TON of detail. like back i#2016 or something there was SO much data you could look at. long form question answers. personality trait summaries. etc. Now you have#SOO little to judge off of when evaluating compatibiility it's like. You'd have better luck just throwing a dart in a crowded street and#talking to whoever it hits. Why are people so fucking allergic to reading anything longer than 3 words and providing DETAILS!! It just seem#harder and harder to find any place to meet platonic friends where you have any amount of actual data to go off of and it isnt basically#just random 'speed dating' set up shit. AARGH. &I know 'oh just join a club& meet ppl irl' 1. erm..covid. 2.I mostly want to meet ppl#in places I'd like to move so I already know ppl when I get there. You kind of HAVE to do that online. bc I am not there yet.. WISHING for#Complexity.Com where ppl can upload full 900 page psychological files of themselves. MINIMUM profile character limit 30k words lol
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#if I've made anyone uncomfortable with the things I've been posting the last few days that was in fact the point and fully intended#and I don't say that to be cruel but simply to drive home the point that fandom spaces can be both safe and hostile at the same time#it is a deeply uncomfortable thing to acknowledge and I know most people do no want to deal with that and I understand that truly#but it was important to me to acknowledge and to give my opinion so that's what I did#At the same time none of this changes my opinion on my ship or the fact that I love a certain character other people find problematic#and I am fine with people finding that problematic because I am human being I am problematic by default#and I am confident enough in myself as a person to know when to acknowledge when I've contributed to problematic behavior#and realize the world doesn't end when this happens#my opinion of the fandom I've made my home in hasn't changed either#I had these views before and now they're out there in the open messy wording and all#and if you've decided that changes your opinion of me for the worse that's fine you can unfollow block etc#I understand that even in my attempt to acknowledge hurt within my fandom I've probably hurt other people and I have made my peace with it#but for everyone else that's shown me support both on tumblr and in private#for everyone that's listened to me vent about this subject over DMs and validated my hurt feelings#instead of trying to press your own discomforts onto me to carry in addition to my own#thank you#I've carved a permanent space in my heart for you and I truly mean that#I waded into this mess fully expecting to be ignored at best and to lose connections at worst and I was fully okay with it#but the love I've gotten and the deep honest and vulnerable conversations I've had over the last few days has truly been astounding to me#this last part is taking me AGES to write#because I'm actually crying thinking about all the good that's come out of this#and I acknowledge that's not a universal opinion and that's fine I'm really only speaking to my personal experience with what's happened#which despite outward appearances has been incredibly cathartic and uplifting for me#and I don't need everyone in the fandom to share my views or validate me or tell me I'm right people are allowed to disagree#I also don't need to have a deep personal and honest connection with everyone in the fandom where I can share my deepest vulnerabilities#but the fact that I could have that connection with some of you? that's enough for me. it's everything to me.
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i feel like its this universal thing that in like figuring out algorithms or understanding/explaining concepts i always.......... have the subject and object reversed in viewpoint and it turns the phrasing of the problem inside out. and everyone whos ever tried to help me work toward their right side out understanding of the thing just moves me further away from the objective truth of it. i LIKE math but being taught math was torture because at every level i got it wrong and was unteachable until/unless i figured it out from the ground up on my own. like i always grasp shit with the axes reversed and sometimes thats fine and sometimes it turns something trivial into an unsolvable problem and ive never even been able to isolate and communicate exactly whats going wrong for me and of course ive never been able to figure out how to just reverse the problem and see it the normal way
#i feel like. ylu can tell that im being affected rn. ive been in a dreamlike haze like more often than not the last little bit bc i keep not#getting sleep. feeling like a tetris board. etc. its kinda upsetting because i feel like if you look you can always tell what i mean but#if youre not inclined to look or you dont have the right kind of mind to look then like..........#suddenly I Am the schizophrenic uncle on facebook just saying shit. getting that look from people and realizing youve just said word salad#is so devastating. i always try to find some way to compensate for the different ways ive gotten more trouble speaking and expressing stuff#but its always like........ well now maybe it made sense but im just compounding two Different ways of talking weird. feels bad man
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