#trying not to think of the 20? rocks extra I have which are going to go to waste.. unless ofc I spent MORE money :)))) I hate this game lmao

[glasseswearingrabbitdetective]

It just doesn’t feel that satisfying somehow,, In the past you could get several suits for this price qq I love this suit a lot and I got 2 pieces of the demon suit bc I had to pay slightly over to get it to 550 exp(and had no luck with daily deals >>) but ;; welp… bye money, hello beautiful cat girl who I’ve wanted since the second I saw her previewed for cn-! Gotta focus on positives! not the ~20 or smt aud im trying not think about GKAKVKA

She be like this ^ GODLY!

[starsturni]

the one *- matt

analysis: when you're in your early stages of dating matt, you start to realize just how comfortable you are with him while baking.

song: lovers rock by 'tv girl'

wc: 604

warnings: cursing and fluff! <3

as i try to step out of matt's car as we arrive home, he quickly jumps out, jogging to my side of the door. he opens the car door for me, a smile plastered on his face. "after you, m'lady." he says jokingly, taking a small bow.

i giggle softly at his antics, stepping out. "why thank you." he stands back up, taking my hand and intertwining our fingers.

we walk to the door, the keys jingling in matt's grip as he fishes the correct one out, and into the door handle.

as he unlocks it, we go back to the car to grab our groceries for tonight's baking session.

we make our way into the house, going to the kitchen. we set down the groceries on the marble counter, trevor coming down the stairs into view, to which i gladly rush over to pick him up and bring him into the kitchen, setting him gently on the ground.

i maneuver around the kitchen with matt, putting away the groceries, but leaving out certain spices and ingredients.

"what are we making again?" matt inquires. i smile cheerfully. "we're making my grandma's cinnamon rolls."

matt smiles. "you're gonna have to hide 'em from chris. he's a fucking monster towards sweets!" he says. i giggle. "i won't mind sharing, plus i won't eat them all." i say, preparing the ingredients. he smirks. "who said i wouldn't?"

my eyes land on his quickly, shooting a playful glare. he smiles softly. "hey can you help me mix the butter and eggs?" i say, cracking three eggs into a bowl.

he hums softly, nodding as he comes over by my side. i move slightly to the right, allowing space for matt to come and mash the butter.

even if me and matt are dating, it still feels so surreal dating someone like, well, matt.

it still feels like i'm in middle school having a crush. having butterflies, thinking about him nonstop, giggling to my friends about him. even when he's this close to me, i feel all jittery.

as we mix the ingredients, i smell his soft scent of the woods mixed with a hint of vanilla, the smell warm and comforting, almost as comforting as eating something warm on a cold day.

as we finish mixing the two ingredients, we move onto the flour. as i grab the newly bought bag, matt gently touches my hand, making sure to avoid cutting my finger as he snips the top of the bag off.

matt holds the bag as i take a measuring cup, holding it under the bag for him to pour. "okay, be extra careful pouring-" i start to say before getting cut off by a massive clump of flour pouring out, completely overflowing the measuring cup, getting all over me.

i stand in shock, before matt belts out in laughter, his eyes shut, holding onto the counter.

i playfully frown, grabbing some off the counter throwing it onto matt, it now being his turn to be in shock.

as we look at eachother, we can't help but laugh, seeing how silly we look. the cinnamon roll ingredients are left abandoned as matt starts to grab rolls of paper towels, and i grab a wet rag, us starting to clean up our mess.

as i'm wiping down the counter, i can't help but glance at matt, seeing how he doesn't look bothered or angry about the mess, him looking actually cheerful.

timeskip - 20 minutes later

as we finish cleaning up our mess, we continue to mix ingredients together.

"these better be the best cinnamon rolls ever." matt adds.

hellooo! idk whats going on, but i’ve recently been just having alot of ideas so yeah!

xoxo - starsturni 💗

[qprstobin]

The fact there aren't more single dad Steve fics is surprising to me. And I don't mean like, those Steddie fics where Steve is a parent to one of the Party or st. I mean like, Steve is proudly a bit of a slut and sometimes condoms break. Why are there not more fics of like 20-22yo Steve getting suddenly saddled with a child that he didn't know existed, while everyone freaks out around him about it.

Steve wanted kids yes, but in some nebulous future and now there is a tiny person with his hair and his moles that is chewing on the collar of his shirt. He is very much not ready for this responsibility but also like, he's pretty sure that specific weird clean baby smell is curing his depression. He barely sleeps anyway this is fine, this is fine.

Robin is torn between freaking out, giving him shit, making fun of him, and spoiling the shit out of this baby because this baby is part Steve!! This baby is made from her very favorite person!!! Obviously this is going to be her favorite baby! She is extremely entranced by how tiny every baby item is too. Tiny socks, tiny hats, tiny shoes! Robin is Steve's rock and also is the one most excited to help him with said baby.

Several members of the Party literally have younger siblings and yet not a single one of them know what to do with a baby. They are staring at this tiny creature that is part??? Steve??? Like it is an alien from another planet. They are getting close to being adults and have fought monsters but the first time the baby cries while they are supposed to be watching it at least one of them nearly cries too. Dustin does the 80s equivalent of overdiagnosing via WebMB instead with medical and parenting books from the library. He always think there is something wrong every time the baby coughs. Steve appreciates how enthusiastic he is about making sure the baby is okay, but does not appreciate the extra stress.

I just think we're missing out on prime fic fodder material which is that accidents happens and I want everyone to be losing their minds because somehow trying to keep an infant alive is scarier to them than fighting monsters.

[sirfrogsworth]

FFFF: Froggie's Fuckin' Fancy Foray

In a previous post I was debating whether I should go to the Sam's near me, which requires a short 11 minute drive, but the path to get there is quite stressful due to traffic and construction and frustrating detours onto narrow side streets.

There was even a time when a bunch of signs got knocked over or removed and I accidentally went down an unfinished road that dead-ended into a pile of rocks. That was a fun moment. Especially when people stared at me as I did some improvised off-roading to get turned around.

Like I said... STRESSFUL.

Or I could head the other direction across the river into Illinois.

A scenic 22 minute drive with empty highways to a much nicer Sam's. The extra 20 minutes of total drive time is a lot, especially after all the walking required to collect my groceries. And I feared it would test my energy limits, since I had to go to Sam's and Schnucks to get all of the groceries I needed. Sam's is great, but sometimes I just don't need seven dozen of something.

I was having a decent energy day, so the scenic route won.

My plan was to go to Sam's for the bulk of my groceries and then drive all the way back across the river, past my house, and go to the Schnucks that stocks my favorite new fancy Fitz's soda. Which would add another 30 minutes of driving. Though I figured if I wasn't feeling up to it, I could go to Schnucks another day.

But as I stood in the Sam's parking lot holding a five dollar rotisserie chicken, an idea struck me... "Maybe there is a Schnucks near here."

I opened Maps and to my dismay, there was a Schnucks just down the street and for three entire years I never thought to check.

Literally half a mile down the street.

I think we are all familiar with the concept of chain stores varying in quality depending on the area they are located.

There is a Schnucks only 1.2 miles from my home. It is what I would call "tolerable."

Let's deem this location "TS" for Tolerable Schnucks.

TS is clean and has all of the essentials but they try to shove ten pounds of Schnucks into a five pound bag. It is cramped and poorly stocked and the lighting is somehow extra florescent.

They managed to squeeze in a decent deli, but that is where the niceties end. They usually have one register open even if the checkout line wraps around the dairy section. I have yet to find a less busy time to go. It's always filled to the brim with people—morning, noon, and night.

And, frustratingly, they rarely stock my new botique soda obsession, Fitz's.

I allow myself one occasional sugary treat to manage the cravings and I never know if they are going to have it.

However, if I travel an extra 15 minutes then I can upgrade to the Schnucks I would call "nice." So we'll go with "NS" for Nice Schnucks.

Weirdly the NS is near the "tolerable" Sam's (no acronym because that would be confusing with Tolerable Schnucks (TS)). They are only 3 minutes apart but the store quality difference is pretty drastic. If I have the energy, I will try to stop at both places in one trip since they are so near each other.

NS is a much bigger store than TS and they even have a bigger selection to go with that extra space. I have to get my fancy soda there because I guess TS figured "let's just fill the aisle with Diet Coke and nothing else." NS has a much bigger deli and full bakery and a fish person and even a quaint little floral department. They usually have multiple registers open and they stay open past 8pm so you can go when it isn't busy. The lighting is a little better, they keep things in stock, and they even have half-sized shopping carts that are easier to push if you only need a few things.

I thought that was the gold standard for Schnucks.

As nice as it gets.

But then I discovered this new Schnucks near the Nice Sam's and that assertion was about to be shattered.

Let me introduce you to the FFS.

The Fuckin' Fancy Schnucks.

The first thing you notice at the FFS is the front has well-maintained landscaping. Like, proper shrubbery.

That's fuckin' fancy.

The second you enter the store you are greeted with a fully staffed floral department.

It felt like if Valentine's Day could manifest a jungle. Brightly colored flowers everywhere surrounded by mylar balloons wishing people happy whatevers.

Then I turned the corner to see the biggest Schnucks of my life. With one entire side of the store dedicated to bespoke food items.

They got a deli. They got a bakery. They got a fish person. They got another fish person who just makes sushi all day.

They have an entire wall of prepared food items made at the store daily. Sandwiches and salads and pastas and full chickens. They even make their own frozen pizzas.

And then I noticed... the Meat Masters.

They have their own damned butcher on staff!

I found myself just going up and down all of the aisles and discovering new things the other Schnuckses never stock. The soup aisle was ridiculous. I was getting pretty tired and I was paralyzed by too many choices. So I decided to just get my normal boring soups and come back another time to explore the Fancy Soup Section.

The FSS at the FFS, if you will.

And the lighting was just so much more pleasant. It didn't feel like a 90s office building.

And look at that flooring. Did they hire an interior designer?

TS & NS just have generic square tiles.

I mean, I guess making some of them blue is something. But even the ceiling is drab comparatively.

And look at the TS Zapp's display compared to the displays at FFS.

I will say, TS takes much better care of their robot friend. FFS stuck their robot in a very undignified location.

This Roomba with a giant erection spends all day counting stuff and they stick him next to the men's room? Let him hang out with the Meat Masters or the fish people.

This is how a robot uprising starts.

The soda aisle was at the end of the store so I arrived there last. I was nervous they might not have my beloved bottled soda pop. Not only did they have it, but they also had 4 other flavors I didn't even know existed.

I guess you could say the FFS had an FFFS! (Fuckin' Fancy Fitz's Section)

I got that same feeling when you unlock bonus items in a video game. I don't know what the difference is between cream soda and "cardinal" cream soda... but I'm gonna find out!

Update from Future Froggie: It's fuckin' tasty!

So...

Future Froggie approves of Fuckin' Tasty Fitz's Soda from the Fuckin' Fancy Fitz's Section at the Fuckin' Fancy Schnucks and is sad Nice Schnucks and Tolerable Schnucks Failed Future Froggie with their Lacking Fancy Fitz's Soda Section.

Or...

FF approves of FTFS from the FFFS at the FFS and is sad NS & TS FFF with their LFFSS.

Got all that?

I loaded up the FTFS and my frozen pizzas and my non-fancy soups and headed over to the registers. They had 3 lanes open despite hardly anyone shopping at the time. I didn't have to wait in the dairy section for 25 minutes. So I justified that extra drive time and then some. Because standing in line is harder than sitting and driving.

So I guess I answered my question about which path to choose. If only I had known about the FFS earlier I would have forgone NS and Tolerable Sam's and just drove the extra 20 minutes across the Mississippi River to and from MO & IL.

On the one hand, it is kind of depressing that just like public schools, property taxes dictate the quality of vital stores in our communities. I mean, these are stores run by the same company. I know the physical property can necessitate some variation due to size and configuration differences. But it's clear they are pumping a lot more resources into the FFS. Not just more cashiers with a bagger on every lane, but actual experts in flowers and fish and baking and deli.

And who knows how much a MoM costs. (Master of Meat)

On the other hand...

We live in a society and can't fix capitalism overnight and all that.

I need my FTFS and FSS at the FFS, okay?

[gabessquishytum]

SO I JUST RECEIVED THIS AD ON TUMBLR:

and now I'm thinking about how omega Hob is now of proper mating age (18-20, whatever floats your boat) and now he must participate in The Hunt.

The Hunt being a 24 hour event where alphas hunt for an omega mate by scent and skill alone. Wearing said outfit, ofc 😉

Hob's a smart omega, he's been prepping for The Hunt his entire life. Some omegas are happy to be caught by the first alpha who wants them, but not Hob. Hob wants a mate he can be feisty with, a mate who will really go the extra distance to chase and try to tame him. His fellow omegas think that's just asking for a mean and cruel alpha but Hob disagrees.

Enter Dream. Dream has been on many Hunts, but either he's never found a omega that smells right to him (or if you'd like angst, his previous mates didn't work out). But Hob. Dream smells Hob as soon as he steps onto the Hunting Grounds and he goes feral. He has no idea who this omega is or what they look like but he. will. have. them. He will murder his fellow alphas if he must.

Hob doesn't make it easy for Dream. They nearly tear apart the entire area with how ferociously Dream chases after Hob and how hard Hob fights not to be claimed. There's fallen trees, torn up grass, a few smashed rocks, destroyed flower beds, you name it. Long after everyone else has mated and gone home, Dream's still chasing Hob with just as much energy as he had the beginning of the hunt.

Finally, in the dead of night, Dream gets Hob pinned down, leashes him, then claims him. It's loud and messy and everyone else thinks Dream's murdering the poor omega but Hob is having a fantastic time.

OH YEAH IM EATING THIS. Absolutely love a completely unhinged tumblr ad by the way.

I can imagine Hob really enjoying/looking forward to these hunts. For an omega he's big and strong, on a par with most alphas. He's fast, he's a little bit feral, and he loves the thrill of the chase. No alpha has caught him yet - they all give up and go home before Hob has finished enjoying the game. All he ever hopes for is that one day, an alpha will come along who can actually hunt him down like he really deserves.

Dream is absolutely that alpha. He's relentless. He may not have huge muscles, but he's got stamina. He can run for just as long as Hob can, and even longer. He's utterly determined to get this delicious, fascinating omega who seems to be playing with him.

Hob is amazed to find that he actually runs out of breath and strength to run!! And by that point he really wants to be caught. He's thrilled when Dream pounces and tumbles them both down to the ground where they roll around in the dirt, biting and holding each other and exploring each other's scents. Hob gets to feel the thrill of getting leashed by his mate! He's so horny he's basically humping the ground to find relief, and Dream is already obsessed with him. HIS omega.

He holds Hob by the back of his neck and pushes him down, and watches as his legs fall open automatically. The scent of his slick is so much stronger, and the harder Dream holds Hob against the ground, the more aroused he seems to get. His attempts to escape from Dream’s hold are more like tests of strength which he really wants Dream to win.

And being claimed in the open air by his alpha is everything Hob has been dreaming of and needing. His body is a perfect sheath for Dream and he knows that he's coming across as slutty and eager, but he can't help canting his hips back against Dream to get more of his cock. Oh, and the knotting? It's a religious experience. Hob's sexy little outfit is torn to shreds and only the leash remains tightly grasped in Dream’s hand.

When the knot finally deflates and the cum is drooling down Hob’s thighs, they limp out of the hunting grounds with manic grins and big hearts in their eyes. Hob is on top of the world. His alpha is so strong and determined and he's gonna give so many babies and they're gonna be feral in the woods together every year to celebrate <333

[foxyanon]

Get To Know…Sihtric Kjartansson

*Magazine cover by me! This is a companion piece to the collab SMAU, The Lives of Friends by myself, @legitalicat, @thenameswinter99 (fic blog @thenameswinterfics) and @zaldritzosrose!*

Word Count: 1520

Dividers by @arcielee

Interviewer: I’m Jordan Penrose from Storm Coast Boxing Magazine. We are here today with none other than Sihtric Kjartansson, world champ and co-owner of Shield Wall Boxing Club. As everyone knows, Sihtric came from less than savory beginnings and is now a man at the top of his career. How are you doing today man?

Sihtric: I’m good, happy to be here Mr. Penrose. What about yourself?

I: I am fantastic. So let’s get right to it. What prompted you to pick up gloves and step into the ring?

S: I needed a constructive way to burn off all the energy I had as a kid. Like you said earlier, my beginnings weren’t all that great before I found fighting. I was into theft, breaking and entering, and even vandalism as a teen. My home life wasn’t great, Kjartan being the man he is and naturally I fell in with the wrong crowd. That all changed when I was about 14 or 15. I decided to try breaking into the sanctuary and as luck would have it, I met my now younger sister Alisanne. She introduced me to her parents, and that moment changed my life. I will say I am forever grateful to Rickon and Gilliane Stark, because they gave me the home and family I was lacking. Rickon, my dad, actually suggested I take up fighting as a way to help process the anger I felt as a teen, and we found out I’m pretty good at it so I just kept going with it and here I am now.

I: Pretty good is an understatement, you have a nearly undefeated career and you just won your latest title fight. The last person to have a record like that is your own father-in-law, Maegor Targaryen.

S: I still have some losses on that record, whereas he has, what, maybe one? Even at pushing 70, he could still kick my ass and not break a sweat.

I: True enough, I don’t think I would want to fight him. Speaking of family, did your family and friends support your choice to go pro?

S: Excluding Kjartan, actually yes. I got really lucky to have such a solid support system when I was starting out. Mom and Dad made time to come to my matches in high school and even still come to them now that Cregan has taken over at the sanctuary. I think my biggest supporter in the beginning of my career was Alisanne, she has always been in my corner from day one. Nowadays, I’ve got my lovely wife and her family supporting me as well.

I: Good personal foundations build strong and lasting careers. But not everything is perfect and walking down an easy street. So, what challenges have you faced?

S: After getting my life straightened out as a teen, I did struggle with school and balancing my life in all areas. I ended up going to therapy at moms insistence which helped me a lot. Even though I started on rock bottom with bad grades, I was able to turn that around with a lot of summer schooling and extra credit work. I may not have graduated top of the class, but I did get that diploma which had only been a pipe dream of mine before. Then of course there’s breaking into the professional sphere, which was tough. I had to do a lot of grinding and many fights to get seen by the right people before they would consider me for the big matches. Even though I was scouted by an agency out of high school, there was a mountain between me and the life I have now.

I: And boy have you climbed that mountain quickly. You were only a little man on the totem pole for about 2 years before getting your big break at only 20 years old. That’s impressive. Almost as much as you having had a consistent win over loss streak for nearly a decade. Which leads me to my next question, what was the most significant moment in your career?

S: Honestly, I owe my big break to Maegor and Pyrling. While neither of them fight anymore, they put in some good words for me with the right people and that put me in the position to take the next step up in my career. That all pales in comparison to meeting Rhaenerys, however. She, along with my siblings, really encouraged me to take the leap and open my own gym for other troubled kids like I was. I can easily say I would not be where I am now without them, but Rhaenerys has been my rock for the last four years and the fire that has kept me going.

I: What motivates you to keep boxing?

S: Several things actually. I did briefly consider retiring early, but my wife helped me find a new direction in the gym I now run with my long-time friend Finan. But outside her and my family, it would be the knowledge I am able to provide a positive influence in these lives of the kids and really anyone who walks into Shield Wall. We get people from all walks of life, including others looking to make a career out of fighting. Knowing that I can help them and provide a safe space for them has been the biggest motivator.

I: You keep mentioning her, and of course I have to ask. Tell me about the woman herself, Dr. Rhaenerys Targaryen. What is your relationship with her like and how did you two meet?

S: How much time do we have? We could be here a while talking about her, it’s one of my favorite pastimes. In all seriousness, she is amazing. I am truly lucky to have her in my life. We actually met at one of my fights, she came along with her dad to spectate since he had been following my career. I was smitten instantly, but it definitely took me quite some time to work up the nerve to ask her out. While I know now he isn’t that scary, Maegor terrified the shit out of me in the beginning. As I understand it, he was less than thrilled with me at first. Not because he didn’t like me but more so because Rhae is his little girl and he wanted more for her. I owe a lifetime of gratitude to my mother-in-law, Elvira, on that front. She vouched for me and the rest is history. We started dating when she was still in school, but we both knew pretty quickly that we would get married one day.

I: You two have been married a year? Little more than that? Which, by the way, was a beautiful day based on the pictures the public has seen. But now that you have settled down, what does your day-to-day look like?

S: A little over a year, yeah. As for my daily life, I work the gym most days during the week and occasionally on the weekends between fights. I don’t get into the ring as often as I used to now, really only sticking to the big ones though now that I’ve won my title, I may actually hang up my gloves and just focus on the gym. After all, I’m nearly 30 now and I’m looking forward to having more time home with Rhae and our pets. Our dog, Abraxsas actually just turned 10 earlier this year and of course we have Cupcake, that little black hellion we call a cat. Now that Rhae is settled at the museum, we have started talking about having a family of our own and I want to focus on that rather than training for my next big fight.

I: Sounds like you have a rather idyllic life going on. We will miss you in the ring but you are a testament that the products of your childhood don’t need to color your future. Last question, what would you say to others who have been in a similar situation?

S: Persistence and having solid support is key. If you want to change your life, you have to change your environment and your mindset. You can’t get anywhere you want in life if you aren’t willing to do the work. Sure, there’s an aspect of luck to get like me, but you have a far better chance of becoming lucky in success if you are surrounded by others who have that same drive as you. The crowd I used to run with? Most of those guys are either dead or in prison now because they stayed in that troublemaker mentality, never growing beyond what they could have. So yeah, changing your friend group to one who supports you and I mean really supports you, and persisting in the dream you want to chase would be my advice to anyone who has lived a life similar to mine.

I: And that is all the time we have for today, thank you for the chat Sihtric.

S: Thank you as well, Mr. Penrose.

[jq37]

Just spitballing here: considering that Porter has everything for the ritual but Fig has laid claim to Ankarna's domain, do you think the final battle might transition to the Bottomless Pit for an epic fight in Rock and Roll Hell?

Other idle thoughts: the "skin and fuck" joke was honestly tasteless and creepy but it is hilarious that Ivy continued being irrelevant. KP is two seconds from an aneurysm because she watched her nemesis jump into lava. And where the hell is Sandra Lynn?

Hmm. On the one hand, the Gym battle specifically is a clear choice to go full circle from the OG finale. On the other hand, that would be really cool! We shall see and ten extra credit points to you for Divination Class if you're right!

Fabian has a history of saying wild out of pocket stuff in character as Fabian (there's a scene in I think Sophomore Year where he has to properly claim the Hangman for some reason and instead of some kind of Boy And His Dog Power-Of-Friendship thing he's like that dog is my SLAVE and I was like *LOU WHAT???*--he obviously didn't mean it in any type of way other than in character badly trying to posture but it was WILD) which I guess makes sense considering he was raised by someone who casually flays peoples backs off to write contracts on them. Not surprised he went hard though since she had just shot his dog/bike on top of the Mazey comment that was clearly festering all year. But I appreciate that Mazey was like...yeah not sure how to react to that tbh. Love when people have moments of reacting like real people in the middle of the ridiculous cartoon situation that's happening. And yeah, Ivy talked a really big game for someone who couldn't even last a round.

Kipperlilly giving up her insane hiding spot because she saw Riz purposefully swan dive into lava is so funny. No matter his financial struggles, Riz never has to worry about having a roof over his head because he is living in Kipperlilly's mind rent free.

And I'm also a little concerned about Sandra-Lynn given Baxter showed up without a rider two eps ago and that was never resolved. I can offer one possible non-dire speculation. I think Baxter appeared after Fig rolled really well to not fall out of the sky (it might have been a Nat 20 but I'm not sure). It's possible Brennan, as a reward for that, just had Sandra Lynn sense trouble and do that so they'd have an extra mount in case something like that happened again. But that's just a guess. We'll see if it's addressed in the finale!

[zahri-melitor]

I feel like I want to contain my Absolute Power feelings separately at the second as I'm reading the tie-ins in bursts, particularly the ones that aren't on my usual reading schedule, so here's what I want to say since my last update on them, after the first month of the event (I've only talked about the lead ins so far):

Absolute Power #1: The Wall turns off everyone's powers, which is bad, and manufactures a bunch of deepfake footage of various heroes doing killing, leading to riots that attack heroes in the streets. Clark gets shot. This leads to everyone going undercover or getting kidnapped and imprisoned by Amazo robots.

Lois being extremely mad that the Daily Planet got hijacked to also stream and publish this 'heroes are terrible' content is my highlight of the issue.

Ollie makes the world's most unconvincing play that he's a double agent who has betrayed the heroes and is now on Waller's side because she's 'on the right side of history' about the dangers of superheroes (he's not even trying to sound like this heel face turn is related to his values in the speech).

Absolute Power: Origins #1: people have had more coherent thoughts on this than me (Ink. Androxys,), but in terms of pivoting Amanda's story from the 1987 version of these events to what Waller's been doing for the last 20 years or so? This is handled with as much tact as possible in the reframe, while unfortunately heavily seeding the road to hell with major manipulations rather than good intentions. It's a necessary change, but I still don't think it's providing enough depth and justification for the in-your-face comically evil figure they're using Waller as right now.

Green Lantern #13: what this title should obviously be: Hal getting mad that Ollie switched sides on them. What this title is: Hal getting punched by Shark a lot while Waller questions him. There's some sort of Green Lantern resistance running here based presumably on the current arc in the title but I honestly haven't been reading Green Lantern and I can't work out how all this ties in. Kyle IS glowing like a rainbow though while looking messed up, which is very pretty. The JSA also get their asses kicked pretty hard and half of them get captured and the other half run off into hiding.

Superman #16: Clark is in surgery with Mr Terrific and Dr Midnight as you do if you need healthcare in the hero community. There's a resistance base running out of the Fortress of Solitude which has largely what looks like most of the Titans and the current Birds of Prey present, plus a few extras.

Wonder Woman #11: Justice League Dark gets hauled out of retirement as a concept for this book. Their magic gets disrupted, which various characters react to in different ways, when an Amazo turns up. Tom King's handle on half these characters seems tenuous to me; Nimue in particular seems a cypher. Bobo loses the power of speech.

Absolute Power: Task Force VII #1: so these titles are genuinely fun as they've been spread between writers and are checking in with various sections of the universe over how characters are reacting. This one is largely Shazam based: Billy, Mary and Black Adam get captured when the Amazos try to invade the Rock of Eternity, disrupting Mister Dinosaur's filing! Tonally, it's pretty on point for the characters, which I enjoyed. Steve Trevor finds out that he's supposed to be reporting to Sarge Steel, something that could never ever go wrong, given how much those two despise each other.

Absolute Power: Task Force VII #2: Doom Patrol and Aquaman team up! This was fun. What a shame neither of them have titles at present. Waller hilariously thinks the Amazo she sent to Atlantis made a treaty, rather than just beat people up. (He beat them up. It's Atlantis. What did you think was going to happen?). Basically everyone here got away and headed for the Fortress. Sarge Steel tries to frame Steve Trevor as a mole, in the most obvious move of all time (especially given Steve was obviously going to be acting like a mole).

Absolute Power: Task Force VII #3: The JSA issue! An Amazo gets infected with free will because something something absorbing Alan Scott's powers something something Starheart. Alan convinces the Amazo to let the rest of the JSA go free by going along with it to discuss what free will involves. The Oblivion Bar appears for like two pages. Also in the Steve Trevor plot, he escapes and starts sneaking around Waller's base undercover as you do to work out what's going on.

More generally; I have to say the event is doing pretty well at dipping into different parts of DC and checking in with the wider cast. That's actually something that DC's been decent about for recent events to my eye; fewer 'just a speck in a crowd' moments and more 'people without current titles actually get some focus' time. It's making the various teams of DC seem more extensive than the published titles they're appearing in right now.

[starscreamerfan]

This was originally shared to the Transformers discord Im apart of but its so amazing fucking weird i decided to share ENJOY THE FREE NIGHTMARES!!

"Just jolted awake from deeply troubling yet oddly calm nightmare and i must share this abomination with you, so it started off with a spooky little island that was just a victorian house and rock (already sus) but under the house was a decepitcon slave mine where the Vehicons like shared the work with captured human slaves and G1 extra autobots (a bunch of no name background charaters) mining some shit (idk what) but then BAM! the dream jumps and I'm watching a small group of army dudes and a couple of autobot (Jazz, Prowl, Ratchet and it was either Prime or Ironhide tbh i said who and the nightmare said yes it could have been both) going to investigate the little island which is now super dark and spookily abandoned and they all go down into the mine and start seeing weird ass shit that looks like a meat bee nest (that disgusting rotten flesh hive I've seen float around social media) and then BAM HORRIBLE TRANSFORMERS/HUMAN/FLESH AMALGAMATION THATS LIKE 100% WORSE THEN ANYTHING RESIDENT EVIL, SILENT HILL OR DEAD SPACE COULD PUMP OUT and all the army humans get sucked in (cuz brain said fuck the canon fodder meat monster needs more meat) weird tentacles start dragging and melding with the poor nameless fools (like srsly they had no Business being there) and the autbots say FUCK THIS and run barely making it out and they lock that shit up faster then Blurr and take a fire lava baths to make sure they don't become some horrible fleshy nightmare horror monsters, que brain shoving in another time skip because dreams be like that, and some dumb ass human scientist person goes to the island and breaks into the mine (wearing a hazmat suit and a gas mask also dont ask i dont understand why they fine in just that its dream logic shit dont make any sense) and finds and a horrible optimus prime fusion meat mimic thing (but like its not the real OP like Daddy Optimus was safe) and the meat Optimus thing has become sentient and was somehow broke into pieces and was trying to rebuild its self slowly absorbing meat and forming it into a collective of different parts it remembered seeing (it was like meat optimus and several other autbots Frankenstein'd together) and so dumb ass cave diver science dude decides "I'm take it home and study it at my lab" and grabs the head which looks like a gross Meaty Optimus then i scene jump AGAIN to random Scientist dudes lab which it was a weird outdoor lab (no house in sight because brain didn't load anymore BG) in a giant tube science man had the mimic head and then he Proceeds to try to communicate with it, which seems to work (tho i couldn't hear what they were saying to each other) then the unholy flesh Optimus turns to face me where i was like floating watching everything go down passively the whole time being a third party watcher the this ungodly nightmare and it says in a SPOOKY FUCKING AMALGAMATED NIGHTMARE VOICE (WHICH I PHYSICALLY FUCKING HEARD!!)

W͕͕͎̭̜̰̘ͥ̂̈́ͣ͢ͅȦ̘̥͉̙̝͕͖͘K̵̲̩̟̣ͧ̓̂E̜̠͙̭ͮ͞ͅ ͔͖͙̤͕̞͎̯ͮ͌̀U̷̗̱̠ͧͦ̈́P͉̠͎̮̲͐̕

And i just jumped ten feet straight up in my bed and i swear i was having a heart attack and a panic attack all at the same timeIt was a definite "OH FUCK NO NO THANK YOU" moment"

(To those you i know on discord and here who saw this post on discord yes i did add more i noticed i missed some info at og time of posting that day and adding the missing bits maybe 20-30 mintues after the og discord post i was fucked up thinking about this hours after this nightmare ended)

[idiot-mushroom]

I would love the Casey lore but I also don't want spoilers, so I'm going to ask a bunch of stuff again!

What are Casey, April, Irma, and Sunita's fashion sense like? Music taste? Favorite food? Favorite type of books/shows/movies? Least favorite food texture? Any specific neirodivergency or mental illnesses? What are they most insecure about? Do they all fight along side the turtles or aid them with their adventures?

Please tell me everything you can about Keno!!!

Do any of the humans get mutated at any point? Why does Donnie create retro mutagen?

Is spike mutant or yokai? Will he eventually be an ally to the turtles? Do have a design for him? Do they acquire other allies? Do you have any character designs we can have a sneak peek too?

Is Bishop and his hole thing in this au? Are the triceraton? Will there be professor Honeycutt/Fugitoid?

Do the O'Neil's have any other foster kids? Do they have an apartment or a house? What the layout of their place like? Which half of them makes April 1/4 Kraang?

In the new lair layout there isn't Splinters room, does he not live with them anymore? Or is it a more separate room?

I swear everytime I do this I feel like a crazy reporter or paparazzi running up to you just asking frantic questions I'm so sorry. Also sorry if these are repeated questions.

Sunita:

has autism swag

kidcore fashion sense (bright colors, chunky jewelry, ect)

they’re mostly insecure abt how she seems to not be able to fit in with human kids as well as with people in the hidden city

she likes hard rock (which contrasts with her personality and everything abt her (i think it’d be funny))

she doesn’t like the texture of celery bc of the fiver strands that make it hard to eat (for her)

she likes learning abt plants :))

her favorite food is mango pudding

she only aids them later on as ‘the man in the chair’

Casey:

he has add swag

the grunge fashion is strong with this one

he likes indie rock and rap

he’s insecure abt his past with his dad and mom, and the fact he doesn’t know much abt his own heritage from his father’s side.

he likes the percy jackson books

he does aid them in adventures as back up and muscle

April:

her brain is on default setting

casual fashion for a casual girl

she likes anything under ‘sad girl starter pack’

she rlly enjoys marvel and star wars

she aids them in adventures as a second opinion and back up

she’s rlly insecure abt her parents not paying attention to her as much with so many other kids in the household

Keno:

country bumpkin 2 da max

half Italian, half Korean

likes making pizza and pasta all day

oldest out of the entire group (in his early 20’s)

has a farm (passed down from his family)

neighbors with Casey’s old house (a mile down from the old jones’s house is keno’s house/farm)

they meet keno during the farmhouse arc

he is very friendly and acts as an older brother

I don’t think that any of them get mutated in the series but j might change my mind idk

Spike (Slash) is my au is a leatherback sea turtle that gets mutated!! She doesn’t ally them, but isn’t a bad guy either, she’s more of a morally grey vigilant.

i have no new official designs rn but after this latest arc i’ll defo post Slash’s design

Bishop will be in this au (still trying to find out his character tho) and yes mr honeycutt is in this au but he’s a robot assistant to irma 👍

these are the rest of the o’neil’s foster kids!! they live in a nice, two story house in the city.

april gets her 1/4 krang from her dad’s side (ik girls going through it)

splinter does live with them in the new lair, he’s just dubs his room as ‘the meditation room’ bc he’s an extra bitch like dat

thank you for the asks btw, don’t feel bad or worry abt it, i’m happy to talk abt my au!!

[tmbgareok]

Do you always start exactly when scheduled or was that required at the Hollywood Bowl? We weren't expecting a rock'n'roll show to start on time!

JF: it might not sound very "rock and roll" but for a lot of reasons we actually do try to start on time, and have since we started doing shows. Of course, when the venue isn't accustomed to loading in full houses, and at showtime still has one ticket-taker and half the audience still on the sidewalk, we need to be flexible. (What was extra confusing about the early days of post-lockdown shows was the possibility of 20% of the sold out audience wasn't showing up, but you don't KNOW that until showtime)

Just as often, we are concerned about getting on so we can get do a full show and get OFF the stage before a city curfew, or a union overtime rule. The other reason we need to get off the stage on time isif there is a complicated load out of the gear-due to understaffed or uselessly high/drunk local hands or an elevator or stairs--getting out of town an hour late can actually turn into getting into the next town and hour late, and then our whole production is behind the 8 ball all day. #glamour

As for opening (which we rarely do) I think trying to pull a diva move like going late as a show opener in a union arena is about the fastest way to get everyone backstage yelling at you at the top of their lungs.

[zvtara-was-never-canon]

Actually, John O’Bryan or Joshua Hamilton (I forgot which one) confirmed on the Braving the Elements Podcast that Zutara was in the original bible and that there was a fight in the writer’s room for making it canon. He even says he’s still Zutara, that they did it wrong, and that in an alternative universe they’re together.

But his version doesn’t really make sense bc the original bible that can be accessed online doesn’t confirm ANY ships. Also, kataang was literally hinted in the pilot. Not to mention that either Joshua or John - whoever wrote CoTL - literally confirmed that Mike and Aaron made him write Omashu for Kataang’s romance. One of them (Joshua or John) pitched the episode as just being a story of Sokka suffering with the nomads, but Mike and Aaron felt it was important to tie Oma and Shu to Kataang. I also believe it was Joshua Hamilton who wrote the inaccurate “Avatar Extras” that confirmed that Zuko was supposed to be Katara’s love interest.

So essentially, what happened was the following (imo): In the early development stage prior to book 1, the idea of Zuko and Katara were thrown around. Some of the writers might’ve latched onto it and, as a result, the ship was teased in late 3.5 (especially given how POPULAR the ship was in 2005-2008). However, Bryke and Aaron felt that Kataang was always the natural direction and made sense story wise. And ultimately, that’s what happened as endgame. The creators and the head writer feeling that a popular fanon ship with a friendship developed in under 5 episodes doesn’t make for a romantic endgame, in addition to a preference for Kataang.

At the end of the day, no one is denying that Zutara wasn’t teased (not even Bryke themselves). We just don’t think it’s a plausible endgame that makes sense as per the series. I can also sort of understand why some of the writers would still prefer Zutara - it does sound intriguing on paper (very YA and disney), but doesn’t make any sense execution wise. Good on the creators for denying that shit.

Assuming that's true at all, and that is something I likely truly won't do until I search said podcast and hear it myself because God knows zutarians lie all the time, that still make it the power-struggle some people claim it was.

One writer having an idea, latching onto it, and then trying to pass it off as "my idea was totally going to be canon at one point, trust me even though everyone else on the team says another thing and the actual main couple was present from episode one."

And even if we exclude the Kataang angle in Cave Of Two Lovers (that Joshua did write) an intervention on his writting process would still be necessary. I love Sokka, but watching over 20 minutes of him just being annoyed would get repetitive and boring really fast. It makes far more sense to balance it out with two of the other main characters learning about a legend of a city the viewers are familiar with (and will see being at the mercy of the Fire Nation) the following episode. It makes the episode more engaging and reminds us of what will be at stake if the Fire Nation wins.

Another thing that makes this story hard to believe for me, is the fact that Joshua didn't write any episodes until book 2 (though obviously that doesn't mean he couldn't be part of the creative team in some other ways), of all the episodes he did write only "The Chase" has Katara and Zuko interacting at all or so much as mentioning each other, he was the one who wrote Boiling Rock Part 2 which has some major Maiko moments, and he was also part of creating the episode "Ember Island Players" which mocks the very idea of Zutara and has the characters themselves be visibly uncomfortable when they hear of it.

Even if we assume that man was secretly hoping Zutara would be a thing alll along, it seems pretty clear to me that he is NOT this "Zutara champion" that hates the canon ships and fought tooth and nail to make his OTP happen, but the other evil writers stopped him.

Hell, let's look at someone who has been very openly shipping Zutara for years: Dante Basco, aka Zuko. That man has said he refuses to watch the live action movie and to say anything too bad about it because he's an actor and doesn't want to risk angering a guy that could end up being his boss in the future. This same Dante has REPEATELY said Zutara is his favorite ship, and that even though he really likes how the show ended, he wishes that pairing had had a chance to happen.

He says that without any fear, and doesn't seem to have suffered any consequences for it. To me, that shows that "Zutara VS Kataang/Maiko" is not the epic power-struggle amongst the team that zutarians love to pretend it was. It was just people throwing ideas around. Some were used, some were not. Just the ordinary creative process, not a ship war.

And once again, this is me assuming that there's any chance that Joshua ever wanted Zutara to be a thing, and that this is not just another case of obsessive fans lying to everyone again to convince themselves they have canon validation. God knows Zutarians have cried wolf MANY times (and I'm amused that in this version, Aaron Ehasz is one of the "bad guys", even though they are still using that fake interview of him confirmig a zutara endgame as proof that their ship was supposed to be canon. These people lie so much, they lost track of who they claim is "one of them" or not).

[x--daughters-of-darkness--x]

WITHIN TEMPTATION To Release New Single 'Wireless' Next Month

Dutch heavy rockers WITHIN TEMPTATION will release a new single, "Wireless", on May 19.

WITHIN TEMPTATION stated about the new track: "'Wireless' is a fiery and heavy song that marks the start of a new era — an era in which we keep our WT DNA alive, but build upon with contemporary bombastic riffs, breakdowns, and epic choruses."

In recent years, WITHIN TEMPTATION shifted its focus from releasing albums to releasing a series of singles, enabling the bandmembers to indulge themselves in their creative processes thus delivering freshly inspired music. The group first released "Entertain You", "The Purge" and "Shed My Skin", singles that have all thrilled their fanbase, had great critical reception in Europe, peaked in the Top 20 of the U.S. Billboard Mainstream Rock Indicator charts and topped the official German charts. In July, WITHIN TEMPTATION also released the official Jeb Hardwick-directed music video for the "Don't Pray For Me" single. It was the fourth single of the band's independent releases and will lead up to WITHIN TEMPTATION's next studio album.

Last December, WITHIN TEMPTATION released the official music video for its latest single, "The Fire Within". The clip was filmed during the band's "Worlds Collide" European tour with EVANESCENCE.

"The Fire Within" seven-inch single featured both the single version and instrumental version of the track.

In an interview with Barbara Caserta of Linea Rock, WITHIN TEMPTATION vocalist Sharon Den Adel spoke about WITHIN TEMPTATION's new approach to making its music available. She said: "We already decided before we had the pandemic to do it this way. A lot of music scenes already do this — music genres, actually — but in the rock [world], we still do a lot of the traditional way of releasing albums. And we just wanted to try this out. And then the pandemic happened, and everybody started doing the same thing. Which is a good thing, because you live in the moment and you write something and you release it… So this is really how we feel at the moment, and it's what we re reflecting with our music, I think. It's a good thing."

Regarding the differences between recording and releasing singles and concentrating on making full-length albums, Sharon said: "We put a lot of time extra now into every single, where normally this is the maximum of singles that we release, and we're gonna release more. So I think there's more time spent to it. But it's scattered all over a time, so it's really sometimes difficult to get back into the flow of writing again; that's the negative side of it. So it has its positive and negative sides. And with a whole album, it takes sometimes two years when you've written a song that it finally gets released, and it already feels outdated sometimes. So now it's really [easy to give each track] a fast release."

Last August, Den Adel told EMP about the WITHIN TEMPTATION songwriting process: "The thing is we've been around for such a long time that we try to be inspired by new bands that we hear and implement it with our own kind of sound and try to stay updated with the sound that is sounding more modern nowadays and what is more 'in' nowadays. Not to be going along with new sounds but something that sounds refreshing and inspiring to us. And that keeps us going and makes it fun for us to make still music. We've been around almost for 25 years, even longer — now I really feel old — but, anyway, you need it; you need to evolve. So there's no formula, but it's more every time looking what inspires you. And it can be anything."

WITHIN TEMPTATION's last album, "Resist", was released in February 2019 through Spinefarm Records, the specialist hard rock label of Universal Music Group.

"Resist" featured guest appearances by PAPA ROACH's Jacoby Shaddix, IN FLAMES' Anders Fridén and ARID's Jasper Steverlinck.

[pbandjesse]

Very annoyingly I still don't feel good. I almost called out of work because I was in so much pain this morning. But I pushed through. And would only have a couple spells of pain throughout the day. I'm not running to be sick anymore but the pain is no joke. It's really frustrating and also a little scary. Jess thinks I should go to urgent care. I am considering it.

It didn't make today particularly fun. I struggled to get up. I struggled to get dressed. I felt sad faced and ugly. I was going through it for sure.

But James was there to encourage me and try and make me feel better. With many hugs. And walked me to the car. I love them so very much.

And work was fun even if I was hurting. We had a very small group of 20 today. And they were just super nice kids.

It was a little bit of a struggle to get to work. Traffic was bad. But I got to camp and collected my materials and went to set up at the pond. Everything was fine.

I was listening to a podcast when Sarah and Elizabeth got in. And we would check in about everything but it was going to be an easy group.

When they did show up we were still setting up tables. No big thing. I could feel myself on the verge of being short with people. Because I didn't feel good. But I pushed that to the side and tried to be my best self. Even if it took a lot of extra effort today.

They split into two groups of 9. Because it was actually 18 kids. But they were great. We walked to the frog pond and while we were absolutely terrible at catching the frogs, we did find a bunch. And a lot of tadpoles and snails and fun bugs. We were doing really well. My first group would almost slide into the pond getting to close in the mud (to shrieks of "these are my new shoes!!" And me responding why the heck would you were your new shoes to the woods???) and found 9 different species. My second group was less screamy but no less enthusiastic and found 14 species. And they did it in less time because we made a bathroom pot stop that took almost 15 minutes. Oops.

But I was having a lot of fun. I was barely in pain. I was enjoying trying to catch the frogs. The sun was bright but it wasnt to hot. It was a good day.

We had our little lunch break. Food made me feel worse but I'm glad I ate. Just for the energy. And then it was time for the afternoon.

I was leading friendship bracelet making. And it took them a while to understand but once they got it they did a good job! I had enough disks that they could all keep them. I'll have to make more soon. But I was having a very good time and even started my own little bracelet.

It was a nice day. And as we were finishing the promises rain started softly.

I said goodbye and thank you and sent them off. And with perfect timing the sky opened up and it started pouring. I wouldn't have cared but I left my rain jacket at the office and all my frog hallow papers were out on the tables. ugh. No one else was able to go get them so I will hair have to reprint them. Annoying but not the end of the world.

I cleaned the bathrooms and put out the tables and chairs for tomorrow. And started feeling really nauseous and bad again. It was pouring and I was not going to walk in it so I enjoyed a little break sitting in the rocking chairs and watching the heavy rain drops. It was quiet and beautiful and the perfect little moment alone. I felt safe.

The rain would let up though. And Nick and Sarah came to the lodge to clean the tables. They apologized for not being able to get the materials from frog hallow. So I went to do that.

I would run into Joe and he said I looked like I could be in a Spaghetti Western, which made me laugh. And I would collect all my stuff. But just left it in the car for now.

I went to work on some email stuff for Heather for the music festival this weekend. I checked in with my dad about coming but he doesn't feel up to it. I understand. I will keep inviting him to things. He will keep getting stronger.

At 330 I decided I would go return the stuff to the eyrie and then go home. And that ended up working really well. I would get to stop and say hi to Manny, who had Kat from Greece visiting with him and it was so nice to see her. And after backtracking to the office for my cup, I went home.

Traffic was terrible and people were driving awful. I got home at 445. Later then I hoped. And I was so tired.

When I got inside I was sad that the package that was supposed to be delivered was not here but someone else's was. Got them mixed up. James would fix it later and everything would be good. I even got to wave at our across the street neighbor that I like very much but do not know the name of. I hope to run into them more and make friends.

I was happy to see James but I was also being very touchy and was struggling.

We would spend the evening on the couch. James bought me a historical video game where you raise a child orphaned because of the Nazi birthing program during world war two. My darling child Karin is doing a little better after a rough winter. I bought her a doll and I try my best to feed her and make her happy.

I am going to wash my hair now. I turned on the AC in the bedroom and I hope it's nice and cool when I get out of the shower. I think it will help me sleep.

I hope you all sleep good tonight. And I hope none of us feel sick tomorrow. I love you all. Be safe. Goodnight.

[crescentcurve]

141 playing board games (specifically monopoly):

Soap:

100% manages to be the banker every single time

is accused of cheating and not handing out the correct amount of money (claims being Scottish is his advantage for being better at maths)

takes it sooo seriously and always so quick to make the others pay up if they land on his property

gets pretty much every property he can and mortgages them so he gets more money

insists everyone keeps playing even after going at it for 4 hours because he claims "he's nearly won"

refuses to play any other board games they have on base (because he doesnt know how to play them)

lost a game of snap once and then made everyone play monopoly

Price:

only ever agreed to play that god-forsaken, drawn out game to try bond with the team a bit more and see soap smile

tries to tell himself it will just be a "short game"

he is wrong every time

at this point he just lets them argue instead of bond

leaves halfway through the game and forfeits his money to whoever won rock-paper-scissors

proceeds to go calm himself by sitting in silence for a while whilst he can hear the others bicker very loudly from two rooms over

Gaz:

gets VERY competitive playing

a very sore loser and hates the game at the end of it but is always the first to agree to play it when suggested

saves his money most of the time instead of buying properties thinking he will be loaded by the end

ends up owing soap a LOT because he keeps landing on his properties

this game genuinely reveals another side to gaz because he argues with soap so much

they make up 20 minutes after the game finally concludes

Ghost:

flat-out refuses to play each time someone suggests they get the game out

had never played it before soap suggested it

regretted even agreeing to learn and thinks it is genuinely pointless

claims it brings out the teams weakness and if they really wanted to bond they should accompany each other in silence from a distance

does find it quite amusing when gaz and soap go at each other from opposite ends of the table

in the end just decides to not play properly and only throws the dice so he can pass go and get more money

Alejandro:

he thinks its one of the most bizarre games ever

only ended up playing because rudy agreed

doesnt properly understand why he had to pay extra for soap's properties and argued with him for 10 minutes

thinks the mortgages are stupid and they should play without them (which is why he definitely just has a flat and doesnt bother with the fuss of a house)

has never "won" the game and is bitter when he loses everytime

Rudy:

was very eager to play it and picked the rules up super easily

ended up being very good and was very tactical on how he spent his money and saved it well

ends up winning every single time they decide to finish the game

everyone expects him to win but still rage when he does

he's just happy to be there

secretly loves winning and finds it funny when everyone grumbles in defeat

has to help alejandro play and tells him when a property is worth buying or mortgaging

(i have no idea if anyone has done this before they probably have ok yeah this is my firstpostbye)

[jerek]

What's really weird is these fleeting moments of genuine respect I get from my mom now that I'm making money and have my own car. Like... you're going to do this now? Nearly a decade after I started being abused online and you didn't want to talk about it, NOW you want to show me what I could've had? Every day I think back to the single moment I wanted to kill her the absolute most.

It was 2021 and we were walking our elderly, on-the-way-out dog in hopes he could sniff out our other missing dog, after she'd stopped answering phone calls because of telemarketers.

The dog tugged on the leash, because he was poorly socialized and hadn't been walked in years, and she hunched down and started growling at him. She'd been berating him the entire time, and now she was growling in his face.

We were standing on a bridge, and I had a vivid image in my mind of grabbing her by the ankles and just... tipping her over. She would've dropped like a rock, head-first. Not sure she would've died from it, actually. It was 15 feet, bare minimum, probably closer to 20. I was already suicidal. I fantasized daily about public suicide at this point, until my little brother started being suicidal too (and then it was all about him.)

I was convinced that white Americans were not capable of familial love. They probably weren't even capable of romantic love. They could approximate it, sure.

At the same time, I would go on walks daily, which I still do. But I would spend extra time on the residential streets, not staring in the windows but not really trying not to. Daydreaming about being born into literally any other family. Daydreaming about being switched at birth. Daydreaming about going back in time and switching babies in the hospital myself.

I've always had a weird obsession with being adopted. Even as a 5 year old, I had these passing daydreams about what would happen if my grandma suddenly dropped me off somewhere and informed me I wasn't really hers. Then, later in life, it became an embarassingly enthusiastic interest in any culture that wasn't my own. I figured it was a white people thing until I started having dreams about being allowed to just... assimilate. Having dreams where I was 5, outside a Jewish school in an unfamiliar neighborhood, no parents in sight, and someone just takes my hand and leads me in.

Then I met the most responsible person in the teen center, and he was basically my father but 10 years younger and Venezuelan and actually invested in his own life.

I figure I get enough use out of my mom nowadays that I'm glad I didn't do what that vision told me to. Of course, I couldn't tell you how I feel on an emotional level: just an intellectual one.

I wish people still loved me even if I misspoke. Even if I threw tantrums as a kid. Even when I forget things. Even when I drink or get high. Even when I showed symptoms of disorders they had too. I wish there was something appealing about me besides my capacity to produce smut. I wish people still loved me when I had other friends, or other things going on. I wish people would still love me even if I couldn't justify it. I wish I didn't have to make up for being born with a fleshlight between my legs. I wish people still wanted me around, and I wish it was for all the things I hate about myself, but I think I've been stuck here so long that my resentment has whittled away everything but my worst impulses.

I wish it was as simple as murder-suicide. Maybe if I did kill my mom.