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oimitocat · 3 days ago

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TTANG | OS

bang chan x m!reader

gun wounds + injury + violence + crying + death threats + coping mechanisms

a/n: i have another req. similar so stay tuned

security is on high alert. it’s been a week or so since the death threats have begun. maybe they should have expected it… as many people love you, there is always a few that hate you. it’s the blessing and curse of being famous.

ilogical, you’d say. super stupid. people that have nothing better to do and rile things up.

many (true) fans are defensive.

you and chan have talked about it. how good it feels to know the fans are taking care of them however they can. chan himself always makes sure things go right. he’s checking in with security, with managers. everything.

there is that slight worry. the members don’t exactly talk about it, but you yourself know they think the same as you. what if?

the concert starts and your enjoying yourself. you make contact with jeongin and grin. you fist bump with felix and laugh with minho when jisung makes a mistake. you talk to your fans and simply end up feeling at ease. you put your trust in security and management.

you check up on chan during outfit change.

“see, all good.” you say softly, rubbing his arm.

he nods. he’s pretty serious but you don’t put much mind to it. you trust that at the end of the night he’ll lighten up for real.

sadly, at the end of the night is when everything goes south. felix is talking as the show almost comes to an end. you casually look around at the hundreds of fans watching them- when you here a gunshot. everyone naturally ducks. the fans scream. security runs around. your in ear is suddenly ringing a noise in your ear.

your managers are screaming at all of you to run to backstage. you spin around and run, catching up to chan who, despite the situation, makes sure the other kids are backstage first.

“go!” you shove him, spinning him around at the entrance when the second gunshot is fired.

your bodyguards are barely getting on the platform to guard you and change whatever outcome could happen.

yet, at the third gunshot, you cover chan. your guards don’t make it in time to prevent the situation. your eyes widen when a pain shoots from your upper back. the impact itself sends you forward, stumbling down the flight of stairs. chan screams, so do the kids and staff waiting at the bottom.

a hiss and groan escape your lips when you hit the floor. you force your eyes to open, watching chan run down the stairs to reach for you. it’s so noisy- screams, orders and crying. yet, your ears muffle it out when you finally take your hand away from your chest. you had blood dripping between your fingers. your eyes flit to chan’s wide eyes, his hands grabbing your bloody one.

the pain subsides into numbness. you’re bleeding out on the floor, breathing is hard- then you’re on a stretcher. then you feel yourself drifting in and out of consciousness.

then everything goes black. you can hear for a bit. you wish you could’ve heard chan’s voice instead of the EMT’s yelling out codes and whatnot. soon though, you truly black out.

it’s not a very comfortable sleep. literally felt like you were in a sleep paralysis. by the time you come to some awareness, that’s all you feel. you hear people talk. you feel when you’re moved to a bed. you knew when the lights were on or off. you felt cold sometimes and hot other times.

after who knows how long you actually were out for, you finally open your eyes. your manager gasps and sits up.

not even a few minutes later you’re popular by a couple nurses and a doctor. turns out the bullet hit your from the back breaking a rib and shot through. fatal, apparently.

you beg and ask for them not to tell the members. they already know you’re recovering, just not awake yet. you don’t want visitors.

it’s an agonizing few days. your manager keeps updating you on things. all you want is to be in chan’s arms, really. your body is still sore from the aftermath, but all you really care about is how chan is doing.

you know he’s strong. but you also know how much he can take. this isn’t something light. sometimes you close your eyes and remember how scared he was.

you miss him.

“what’s with that face?” chan sits up and whips his head around to look at you.

he opens his mouth but nothing comes out. he can’t even stand without stumbling. “y-y/n!”

“you’re supposed to be at the hospital-“ he falls silent when your fingers brush the side of his face.

“i got discharged an hour ago,” you say casually, sitting next to him on the bed. “so, what’s with that face?”

“i was just…” he stares at you. he knows you, so as much as he wants to pry and ask, he knows you’re not up for it. he shrugs, swallowing down his emotions while looking away. “thinking.”

“about me?”

“who else?” he chuckles dryly, “but about everything… i never thought anyone would actually go through with a threat…”

you watch him, “i mean we had talked about it, but experiencing it is different. i’m okay and that’s what matters.”

“but the bullet was for me-“

“it was for any of us.” he looks at you, “okay maybe it was for you. i don’t even know how but i just felt the need to be blocking you and then that happened. jyp already released a statement and like i said, what matter is…” you swallow when you see him wipe away his tears, “is that i’m fine. i’m alive. i’m here.”

there’s a silence that engulfs you. then, you pull him into a hug. “i’m here, chan.”

and he sobs into your chest. after days of holding everything in— his worry, his anger… his love. his fear of you not coming back. of something probably going wrong last minute and you don’t make it- “i love you so much,” he cries.

“i love you just as much,” you tighten your arms around him. “i think me taking that bullet proves it.” you pause when his arms twitch around you, “okay my bad, i shouldn’t joke about it.”

chan sighs, sniffling after. “that’s what i love about you… it makes me happy to know that you’re still you.”

“of course,” you wince a bit as you try to get him onto your lap to cuddle him better. “this is good. i have something to flex during interviews.”

chan snorts, shaking his head. he looks up at you, tears still glimmering in his eyes. you eye him, taking every detail of him. he’s so fragile now. you remember the look of absolute mortification when you were bleeding out on the floor. you lean in and kiss his lips before hugging him again. you bury your face into his neck.

“we’re fine, chan.” you whisper.

he nods, embracing you and closing his eyes.

#kpop x male reader #x male reader #kpop x reader #kpop x top male reader #x male top reader #sub!kpop #kpop oneshots #kpop x gn reader #stray kids x you #stray kids x male reader #stray kids oneshot #skz x you #skz oneshots #skz x male reader #skz angst #kpop angst #kpop imagines #skz imagines

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sarahreesbrennan · 3 days ago

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I think this is a lovely addition and I am so glad you feel that way. I hoped some people would! I knew not everybody would.

Under a cut to spare your dash, friends, some thoughts about villainy…

I don’t know that we differ in substance, though perhaps in style. I’d say that I agree with you… but it’s complicated.

Long Live Evil poses many questions about the nature of villainy, who is assigned villainy and who gets the sympathy and understanding. It’s about the experience of being assigned villainy, but also understanding the assignment.

Rae is absolutely going through something so awful. She is very understandably angry about it. Indeed, most of the main characters of Long Live Evil have been THROUGH it. That’s part of why they’re seen as villains - though this perception also exists on an axis of gender, class, race, sexuality, disability. These things affect how they’re perceived and how they’re treated and how they act, and there is almost no way to disentangle cause and effect.

‘Under the present brutal and primitive conditions on this planet, every person you meet should be regarded as one of the walking wounded. we have never seen a man or woman not slightly deranged by either anxiety or grief. we have never seen a totally sane human being.’ - Robert Anton Wilson

This world hurts people. And then it can be very harsh to hurt people. We’re blamed for our wounds.

I agree Rae is a more interesting protagonist to me. That’s why I picked her. But there are very, very popular protagonists in fiction I find absolutely dull as ditchwater. (Not saying I find Alice dull. I love Alice.) I’m still interested in why audiences like them, and as I would like to have many readers too, I think about why things are popular a lot. I learn rules… sometimes simply that I may break them.

You might think Rae’s plight would engender sympathy: and for some it does. For many it doesn’t. And I knew that would be the case. I’ve seen it happen in real life many times.

—Someone in my close circle of friends publicly made fun of me for my ‘terrible anger issues’ at a time I was literally too sick to walk and barely able to breathe. I know that person thinks she’s a good person who was good to me.

—this is a very common thing to happen to chronically ill people. Most of my mentees, especially my younger mentees, have been abandoned by many friends who would all confidently state that this is the patient’s fault for being a bad person.

—one woman I know had her ex accurately recount all her behaviour to his new girlfriend without adding the reason why she ceased intimacy, got irritable and didn’t help around the house.

Sick people are legitimately hard to be around sometimes, and they get blamed for being so because it’s easier to blame a person than a disease. Other people don’t want to be the villain, so they make you the villain.

And the making of a villain is an interesting thing to me.

Rae being sick and Rae being perceived as evil and embracing that perception are inextricable. As a society, we are not truly sympathetic to victims. I knew it would be this way, but I still found myself shocked by the way some readers responded to her - she’s so evil that bitch got Key killed, she’s not even evil enough so she’s something pathetic that can be dismissed, she’s cringe because she uses humour as a coping mechanism, everything is her fault, it’s disgusting how much this formerly emaciated by illness woman talks about her boobs. But then, did Katniss in the Hunger Games get as much sympathy for literally starving as Peeta did for having his feelings hurt? (Note: Peeta also had many legitimate problems and I really like both characters.) And then again, isn’t feeling any kind of way about a character a compliment?

This is one of the reasons Rae is a woman. Society is set up to dismiss women’s pain, and discourage empathy with them. (And yet at the same time, we can’t demand anybody likes any specific character, regardless of gender. We can only observe patterns.)

And listen, I am not equating being a gorgeous talented famous artist with being chronically ill, but there is a phenomenon my friend who’s a psychologist has observed, which is that audiences get tired of famous women after a certain number of years (seven at most) and begin to criticise their looks or say they’re annoying or problematic.

Anne Hathaway and Jennifer Lawrence, both relatively inoffensive women, just had to basically go away for a while, until audiences were ready to go ‘wait, is Anne Hathaway talented and beautiful?’ (Yes she has been the whole time.)

The only woman who I’ve seen not have to slink into oblivion for several years when the tide of public opinion turned is, actually, Taylor Swift - there’s a piece online called ‘Darling, Villain, Victor’ which covers this very well. I like Taylor’s songs because a lot of them are narratives. And it was interesting to me to see the way she engaged with the narrative - going ‘okay yes I eat men for breakfast but also they flee from me, I’m drowning in diamonds, I’m covered in snakes, I’m wearing the evil makeup but also the eyeliner is running down my face because I am HYSTERICAL’ - and people looked stupid for saying the thing she’d already said about herself, outsized. Someone who also does this is Dolly Parton. ‘Yes I am everything you say about me. Now what?’

I did find that inspiring. I did want to claim, for my vipers and myself, the beauty and freedom of that ‘Now what?’ Anger is how we survive. We will be blamed for anger and for survival. Okay. Now what?

Another inspiration is the Interview with the Vampire quote ‘evil is a point of view.’ Not one of the Time of Iron characters think of themselves as people who enjoy cruelty for cruelty’s sake. Sure, some glory in justified vengeance, but that’s okay, right…?

To be able to see yourself as the villain in someone else’s story is, in some ways, an act of radical empathy. It’s an early thing Key says that makes him fun to me - that he’s like oh yes, I am evil. He’s very clear-eyed about the fact that, say, many of the people at the glass blowers’ guild (relatively innocent pleasant individuals) were from their point of view flat out murdered by a homicidal maniac for no reason whatsoever. Still when he tells his story, Rae is sympathetic - and it is also the tale of an abused child and a pitilessly corrupt society.

Key isn’t human. And he’s not a sociopath. Key is a god. And actually, it’s considered morally acceptable for gods to raze cities or worlds for sinning, and even to kill their children. But if a god thought he was human and evil, then what? (Was Athena traumatised by her birth?)

Yet another inspiration for me is Congreve. ‘I love her with her faults. Nay, I love her for her faults.’ I did want the vipers to not just be misunderstood darlings but to commit crimes and have serious personality problems.

Does Rae deserve more sympathy than she gets? Sure. At the same time, I really wanted her to have hubris. I refer to Greek plays a lot - where the deus ex machina was invented, art designed for the audience to be rocked and purged by emotion - and it’s this classic failing, to be arrogant and think you can avoid destiny and get this outsize punishment for it. (And people haaate women to be arrogant, and I knew they would find that annoying about her.) Rae doesn’t want Key or Emer to be hurt, but they are both people of a lower class in her employ, whose lives she knows are only saved in the original narrative by another aristocratic woman - and she deliberately sets out to use them and that does put them in harm’s way. Emer is whipped. Key is whipped twice and killed. Rae is not corporally punished in the same way servants are. But then again, when death looms, what choice does she have? Is she the one ultimately responsible for hurting them? No. But does that mean she bears no responsibility at all, when she made a bargain with them? Do we get to hurt others just because we’re hurt? When is lashing out because of trauma okay, never or always? Well…

It’s tricky to discuss personality flaws, because some characters get more sympathy while others’ faults get magnified. I’ve seen Rae discussed as more privileged than Marius - Lord Marius Valerius, second-most powerful man in the kingdom, in possession of literal superpowers, and uh - very arrogant at times himself. (And I love Marius and he has many very legitimate problems!) They are both flawed people. Very few feel villainous to themselves. Very little of what the people we love do to others feels villainous to us. I will miss Octavian so much as an antagonist, because he was such a great one - never for a moment did he consider he was being anything but heroic, and I do think at bottom he was a very ordinary guy, with an absolutely normal capacity for empathy. Yet all that power and privilege and the empty assurance of others and fame ate him right up. He didn’t ever have to look through anyone else’s eyes, and see himself the villain.

But also, can you look at the abyss, and not be changed? Rae at the start of the story would not be capable of tossing a man off the battlements of a tower into a yawning ravine full of flame with a wild, mocking laugh. But she IS that person by the end - and some of us are with her! It’s a villain origin story, emphasis on origin.

So yes it’s wish fulfilment, and yes it’s about villainy, and about having different perceptions of villainy, and which sins and flaws are forgivable in which people... We all have different perceptions. I am posing the questions, but you may have a different answer than I - if either of us find any answers at all.

Still the questions are worth asking. I do believe that.

Truly, thank you for having sympathy with my viper queen.

I remember reading in one of your blog entries (years ago??) that in the new book you were writing, the main character's *sister* had cancer. Does that mean that Alice was originally the main character of Long Live Evil? Was she going to go into the book to save Rae, instead of Rae going in to save herself?

How extremely kind of you to remember!

No, that was actually a YA murder mystery that I wrote while ill, revised while recovering, and sent out into the world where it died on submission. (Which means we sent it out to about 12 editors and the editor either said no, or said yes and took it to acquisitions - a group of people at the publisher including sales and marketing - and acquisitions said no.)

One editor told me she really wanted and really tried to buy it. Another person who worked in publishing (and has since changed jobs, or I wouldn’t share this) said the response at her acquisitions was - if you like this writer, find the next her (implications about health and youth were made).

I was terrified my agent was going to ditch me too, but she said ‘We’ll sell that one day, for now let’s write the next thing.’

I remember another writer telling me she missed my work that wasn’t a tie-in, and I felt ashamed to tell her it wasn’t that I wasn’t writing other things - it was that I couldn’t publish them.

The tie-ins meanwhile were paying the bills (they still are tbh!) and I was and remain so grateful for them. But I also really loved writing them - especially my Sabrina tie-ins, you don’t forget the first, and it reminded me I want to write horror and poly one day - and how they got me to love and sympathise with so many fandoms.

I see the burnout of caregivers all around me, and I wanted to write the story of one. But maybe I also wanted to take a step back from cancer. I didn’t think I did, at the time. I had a whole lot of things I tried writing before Long Live Evil, and I think some of them were really good. One of my critique partners gave me a lipstick with the same name as someone in the murder mystery. There was a romance novel another critique partner said was her favourite thing I’d ever written. But none had someone with cancer at the heart of the story.

And even though Rae isn’t much like me, maybe I had to start there. You can’t make real magic using someone else’s liver. Maybe I had to wait to be brave enough to use my own liver.

I do get requests for advice on how to cope with rejection of your writing, and I always worried I didn’t have anything else to say, but I suppose my example says - if you can, (and I know it’s hard, you feel so terrible at writing and so useless) (and you love the work you’ve done so much and you don’t see a way forward to loving the next thing) (but still, if you possibly can) write the next thing.

Even if the first thing sells, you’ll want the next thing one day. Writing the next thing is more writing practise, so it’ll make you better. Write the next thing.

Ultimately I’m really glad Long Live Evil was my comeback book. I think it needed to be. It took the time it took.

But maybe it was a shade of that past book (where the heroine’s sister with cancer was six, so not much like any of the Time of Iron characters) that made me think of the YA version of this book, which I always had in my mind as something I was intentionally hewing away from - a more straightforward book, a book that might have sold better - in which shy reader Alice was the hero. She’s the one with the suggestive hero name - Alice through the looking glass - the heroine looks, and the more projectable-upon personality. She’d get called annoying less often (though still some, because she’s a girl), partly because she is (with love, Rae knows I’m right) a genuinely less annoying person. Much kinder, much sweeter, and much better at in-depth reading! Her sister being in trouble would’ve been a backstory, a catalyst point, and - you’re totally right - a great motivation for her to get the Flower. Saving a family member is a much more sympathetic and heroic motivation than saving yourself and one I do love (the Hunger Games, Labyrinth, Mahy’s the Changeover, and I write it a lot!). I think Snarky While Tragically Dying Rae would’ve been a pretty popular side character, too. I think it would’ve been a good book! Just not mine.

I love your question because I love thinking about POV, and all the decisions that are the building blocks of a story. To me, the Alice centric Time of Iron is a version that exists. As are several versions of the Lia centric Time of Iron. And versions centring other characters exist to me, too. (Eric, absolutely.)

Speaking of POV musing, I think Rahela the wicked stepsister featured more in the musical than the book. If the Time of Iron series ever became a TV show (and at this point in time I think I’d rather a movie because it wouldn’t… get cancelled…) and I got to write it (don’t know why I would…) I would start with the beginnings for three characters about to go on a journey to somewhere strange to them: Key in the Cauldron, Rae in the hospital, and Vasilisa in the icelands. There are so many possibilities! And I really wanted the sense that there were so many possibilities, too.

But I wanted the chronically ill one to be the centre of the story, and for it to be her villain origin story, and to ask a lot of questions (hence a lot of villains!) about who gets villainised and why. And I thought hers, to my mind, would be the most fun of all the possible stories.

So that’s the one I made. But Long Live Evil has a lot of origins. Thank you for remembering one of them! I don’t think I would’ve dared tell the story, if things hadn’t worked out for me (so far, fingers crossed).

And I also tell it to be clear my publisher was taking a RISK with me and Long Live Evil, and I really appreciate that, and I’m so happy it’s worked out for them (again so far, early days, fingers crossed, etc).

I hope some writers - whether in the process of submission, rejection or making the choices that are the building blocks of story - find this helpful, and some readers find it interesting.

Let this be one of the universes in which your story is told.

#Long live evil #congreve #iwtv #rae parilla #Taylor swift #anne hathaway #Misogyny

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thisloveistaylorswift · 2 months ago

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ttpd is such a good album for me to have going while i'm doing uni work, but at the same time, i may get completely distracted and end up acting out the entire album

#truly though it's good for literally EVERYTHING

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emeraldotter · 4 months ago

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doodles

#doodle #crappy art #emeraldotter's deer obsession continues #it’s my blog so here’s my mh assessment: some good stuff and some bad stuff #i mostly miss deku being a character but he got lobotomized a while ago #deku come home……. deku i miss you having emotions #i’m satisfied with the hellish todoroki family ending #i think #i’m so uncertain with everything rn #there’s potential here to do something truly amazing and brave with the story but i don’t think it’s going to happen #he set the stage though with that significant zag at the end of the final arc so… thanks? i guess?#we’ll see if he does literally anything with it

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kingdomoftyto · 7 months ago

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...BIG FEELS AND BIG PLOT DEVELOPMENTS AT THE END OF THAT BOOK, HUH

#Tyto reads WoF #i know it's not the most pressing issue what with the vengeful ex-Queen and the murderous sister and all #but I still want to point out how alarming it is that the new crew are all going to be wearing seemingly radioactive rocks as jewelry now #Turtle please don't pick up strange rocks that give off their own heat for the love of all that's good #ANYWAY yeah what the actual frick is going on with Darkstalker huh. I genuinely do NOT know whether he's trustworthy or not #desperately lonely and unfairly demonized? absolutely. truly cares about Moon as a friend? I think so.#capable of integrating peacefully into modern dragon society without letting his own ego turn him into the monster he denies ever being?#....... 😬 remains to be seen #god and there's Scarlet's mysterious new accomplice(?) with the maddeningly vague physical description and also THE SCROLL(!!!!)#and i just realized we failed to get resolutions in this book for EITHER the vision of Turtle attacking Anemone OR #Flame's unique and frightening ability to sense and/or attack mindreaders????#where the HECK are we going with Flame I am going lowkey INSANE over him #ugh frick and Umber and Sora are both on the run too...!! this book is nearly as cliffhangery as Dark Secret #(though thankfully i prepared for this by checking the next book out ahead of time so i wouldn't have to wait LOL)#uhh buhh final thoughts before i force myself to go to sleep:#I love Moon and everything going on with her but I do feel like on some level it's even more of a slap in the face for poor Starflight #that the only tribe to get multiple POV characters in this first. like. extended arc(?) appears to be the NightWings #and Starflight himself doesn't get any of the tribe's unique defining features or abilities #i mean i guess the same is sort of true of Sunny and yes i know it was the POINT of book 4 that the tribe had no powers #but still idk it just feels like kicking the poor boy when he's already down. in addition to him literally getting beaten up again #(... now watch me be a total fool and the arc actually extends past book 8 or something making this point moot lol)#(I'm only assuming it ends at 8 bc that's where the previews in the back of the previous books have stopped)#EDIT: LOL yep turns out this arc does extend out to book 10 and the other POVs are Turtle and Qibli so I stand corrected.#that's what I get for nightblogging

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hecksupremechips · 3 months ago

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re: udg reblog,

clearly the solution to “oh i love this but i don’t think anyone should play it” is to write a fic with only the good parts and none of the bad parts but then you have this big empty space where the bad parts were so you just make something up that seems vaguely believable

that seems like a normal thing normal people do right?

RIGHT?

It’s always correct and totally won’t ever lead to agony as you look at the canon and scream because my god how are you supposed to salvage something this stupid why are you doing this you used to be so normal and not care oh god why does attacking the little girl make her pants fly off oh god why is delta a character

#ask #i love zwg truly. but i understand the agony #if i wanted to make a better version of udg or really any dr game i have no clue where id start my god theres so much happening #obviously the clown nonsense that is komaeda in that game needs to stay because theres really nothing better than seeing him be bullied #by a bunch of grade schoolers who throw milkshakes at him and draw on his face with sharpie #oh oh and the sexy byakuya fantasies need to stay too because if youre bad at the puzzles like me he just bullies you #its dry catered to the shit me and my sister meme about akjsks #the shit with the kids though..........yikes #also fuck shirokuma i cant stand him literally the most obnoxious character ever created #it felt good to kill him #i was doing a proper playthrough of udg last year see cuz id never played it myself #just watched playthroughs when i was 14 and edgy and had no frame of reference for good writing yet #so it was fun not only re experiencing the utter. obscenity that is this game and also trying to figure out the mechanics #its kinda fun sometimes until the boss fights happen then its like actually the worst thing ever i may have needed to walk around angrily #and basically i was on ch4 and stopped when there was a mission with haiji cuz i just. needed to stop #havent played since im too frightened aksjks #and yeah the agony of trying to rewrite a game is shared cuz im going through it with p3 #and basically basically i have been trying so hard and was in a good zone but basically i snapped recently #cuz the kirijo group stuff my god its just so bad that i like theres just no way i can make this game make sense #i have the one project where everything is restructured but then i have the stuff where like. I have to make this fit the game structure #loosely cuz it was just supposed to be a character analysis fic but basically my brain hath broken its kaboom #though p3 is a lot more workable than ztd is my god theres just too much happening at once there aksjks #you are so brave for what youve done Kay 🙏#and to any poor soul who wants to do a rewrite of a frustrating story......have fun. but watch out

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tittyinfinity · 12 days ago

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I overshare online because I need constant validation that every thought and action of mine is Good and Okay and Normal. Surely this is a healthy coping mechanism

#something I'm trying to work through #comes from a hard mixture of autism (not knowing if what im doing is Normal behavior)#OCD (guilt loops that last for days weeks months on end)#ADHD (rejection sensitive dysphoria)#being raised christian (always being reminded that bad thoughts and actions will send you to hell)#and trauma from being heavily monitored as a teenager (very used to having every thought & action over-analyzed)#i have a constant craving for validation because of all of those things #which leads me to being a very self-absorbed person #i feel like if people aren't consistently telling me that im a good person then i must be horrible #im putting my emotional work onto others when i do that #making it THEIR responsibility to make me love myself #it's not healthy for you or anyone around you #you can't truly improve yourself if you're always relying on other people to verify whether or not you're okay #especially since everyone has different opinions & biases #if you never learn how to validate yourself you become completely reliant on others #and if you lose that outside validation everything will fall apart #even though i know these things i still haven't broken out of the habit #but that's another thing you have to give yourself grace for #you can't expect yourself to instantly adhere to new expectations #so you're gonna be hypocritical at times #you can't hate youself for that either it takes time to break habits #you need to find the line between self criticism and self hatred #love yourself Or Else. literally.#.bdo

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voulezloux · 6 months ago

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#idk how to tag this but it’s about my dad who i just went NC with bc he’s abusive and hasn’t changed #so if you don’t want to read keep scrolling i don’t care i just need to fucking do something #i’ve passed rage and now i’m just sad #and i feel bad about being sad bc i don’t want to be sad bc being sad SUCKS #i feel like i’m burdening my friends by telling them the shit my dad did to me #ik realistically im probably not but i just #only three people would truly understand the situation #my mom my sister and my childhood best friend #my sister is off limits bc i’m not putting her in the middle of this again #my mom was also abused by my dad and i don’t want to trigger her or make her feel bad so i don’t feel like #i can always go to her about this shit #and i don’t want to take advantage of my best friend’s listening ear even though she is being supportive of me and everything #like i just feel guilty and i feel like im burdening others with my burden #i want it to all stop i just want to stop being sad #i want to stop feeling like im 7 year old me hiding in the pantry from my dad #i don’t want to go to work i don’t want to do anything really #and it’s not like i want to die i just want to stop feeling like this #i want to stop feeling like i somehow fucked everything up when it was my dad’s fault #ik i should book another therapy appointment but i can’t with the way my week is next week #and idk i’m just #im not having a good time #i’ve taken an ativan every night this week bc of all this #previous to this idk when the last time i took an ativan even was #and i’m not trying to read into it too much but its hard not to when ive gone literal months without taking it #and now i’m taking it every night so i don’t stay up half the night bc my brain won’t shut up

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loverboybrightsideghost · 11 months ago

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i am sad about crowley

#bluebird.txt #im so fucking late to the game even though i literally watched go2 only a week after it came out #i was rewatching some clips but it JUST hit me right fucking now #that like forget just everything else about the situation. crowley is on earth without aziraphale.#crowley is well and truly and genuinely fucking alone right now.#sure he and aziraphale have spent years even centuries apart before but they always knew the other was there the whole time #now he's. not.#good omens #:(#like that post about the forgetting. guh.

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medicinemane · 6 months ago

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And maybe you'll be like "but if you don't trust businesses, how can you trust welfare?"

I fucking don't. My mom trying to get on food stamps fucked me up because a lady I never met without my permission got my SSN from my mom and started editing my files. My heart still races to this very second whenever I think about it, it kinda messed me up bad and I'll never ever ever see any kind of recourse

And I'm terrified that I'm gonna lose my medicaid just cause I inherited some money from my grandpa

And I've never even applied for disability cause it kinda doesn't matter finding out if I'd qualify or not cause of my depression, when the rules are so restrictive I don't know if I've even be allowed to keep my house

I do not fucking trust these things on a personal level. I feel like out of a lot of people I have the most to fear from them cause I'm on the edge of having things work, and that gets you punished

...but I need medicaid in order to have insurance (and when you strip out the finance side of medicaid, I love medicaid... they're honestly incredible insurance... I just... I just... dental is like 90% of why medicaid is so important to me, ever since I found out this state pays for it I've actually been able to do cleanings which is important to me cause I can't always get myself to brush)

And I think things like disability and food stamps are pretty damn important on a personal level, and honestly are also good for the economy cause they get people spending... it's practically a free cash infusion into the economy, cause these are people who need to buy stuff

There's just so much important stuff welfare does that it's worth dealing with government

No, what I want is more accountability so if someone gets my SSN from a 3rd party like my mom they're held to HIPPA styles standards where that's not ok to access my files without my permission (She changed my fucking address and tried to get medicaid to investigate me for fraud! Never even met me)

Like have some accountability there and in every situation

Secondly I want less punitive focused rules. I'd frankly prefer bezos get on disability than smack down some poor sod cause they got $2000 in the bank or cause their friend lets them live with them for free

If there's gonna be a cut off on these programs, it needs to be a solid step above the poverty line, cause... by definition I assume poverty line denotes kinda the minimum expected income people can reasonably live off of, and if you take away benefits people are gonna lose a chunk of money to covering that stuff themself, so you need a buffer before you kick people off

I don't fucking trust the government for a second, I've actively been fucked by them and on a personal level I avoid everything but medicaid and only that cause everything but the money is pleasant to deal with and I kinda need it (honestly if I was rich I'm not even kidding that I'd rather give medicaid like $400 a month than some insurance company, I sincerely like them as insurance)

But I'd trust them a lot more if they were less punitive, less out to hunt me down and gut me cause someone handed me a fiver or cause I started to get on my feet, and if government employees had concrete rules they had to follow that were actually transparent and enforced

Like 90% of my problems with welfare go away if they're held accountable and there's less "catch the welfare cheats" mentality going around

I don't trust the government in the slightest, but sadly there some jobs it kinda has to do, so I'd just rather force it to be an open book where the public can keep an eye on it and if they step out of line there's consequences (sort of like I don't trust most mega corps but happen to sometimes need stuff from them... did you know literally every cell service provider has been illegally selling shit like your location data to random people like bounty hunters, and the FCC just slapped them with a fine that's 0.02% of their yearly incomes and debated even doing that? I even can offer a source on that)

...I don't trust much of any authority cause they constantly fail me and kinda screw me. Don't trust doctors either, but I still gotta go to them, you know? ...they're just... they're real bad at listening... so many systems need systemic change

(You know who I really don't trust is the cops. I could point to so many examples. My uncle doesn't trust cops either, and he's an ex Fire and SWAT paramedic, he worked with them and we still got into a long conversation where he basically tore into them far better than I can)

(I don't trust authority that's not accountable)

#anyway; if I'm a lousy cheat or whatever least they can do is give me a gun so I can solve that problem #shit makes me wish I was canadian so I could take advantage of their sick implementation of assisted suicide #what should be a system that gives people a choice about the quality of their life; and I don't think should be relegated to terminal illne #...there was... think he was dutch; had been burned by his girlfriend all over his body; was in constant pain #and he ended up using assisted suicide in the end cause he was just in constant agony... think that's his choice to make #but of course the canadian system concretely pushes people; mostly the poor and disabled; to kill themselves #not theoretically; as in literally says word for word to them 'you should really kill yourself; just sign here'#it's sick; it truly is #but for any americans that want to dunk on it; I'm telling you we're no better #we have the exact same miserable desperation and people (again; mostly poor and disabled) into despair #only difference is we don't offer assisted suicide #the underlying issues in the US and canada are so damn similar; so much of what's happening ends up being the same #you can't act smug just cause you only make people want to die instead of also offering to help #that's like saying that you're the good guy cause while you did everything you could to drive someone to the brink #get them fired; slash their tires; just cartoon level villain stuff to personally harass this person... at least you won't hand them rope #we have such similar systemic issues to canada; and I am explicitly telling you that like the people in canada that have said #'I can't take it anymore; disability doesn't cover my expenses and I can't get any help... I'm at my wits end so I'm gonna go die'#I'm telling you that I feel that same way; just without any eugenics agency I can call up #I'm really working to get things stable; but it feels like I'm teetering on the edge of falling into permanent failure #and... and I'll actually tell you the amount even though I don't like to mention money... makes me feel guilty #my gramps left me $27k; which sounds like a lot; but I got 20 windows that need redoing (house has a lot of windows)#...if they ended up being 1k each; that's most of the money gone; if they end up being more...#and I got a whole lotta other stuff I've been putting off like plumbing around here; need to replace that faucet #it's an amount of money that helps; but it's an amount of money that isn't gonna last #...that's like a year of bills; and my mom already needs me to pay like $400 to the propane bill since she got behind #I want to use it to... to try and really get my feet on the ground; but it might loose me my insurance... it makes me want to die #and not to be a selfish bastard; but if I could I'd like to try and take and invest a bit to maybe build some passive income #given that... that a job never seems to work out for me cause I fucking suck and cause like... my insomnia has me up at 5:30 am right now #mm tag so i can find things later

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