#truly a perfect song in all aspects i will fight people on that

[viir-tanadhal]

as a lot of you know, being boring is not only my favorite psb song, but also probably my favorite song of all time. i've been searching and hoping to find a copy of the 12" single for probably 3 years now and hadn't had much luck as i wanted to find it in-person. a week ago, i finally just decided to take the chance and order a copy, and it just arrived today. having it in front of me is genuinely surreal and a big thing for me because i love not only the song but the visual design of it too - just everything really. it meant a lot to me hearing it live last year and now having this just means a lot

[cruyuu]

Some had stated that sukuna hadn't embraced change in the final chapter because he didn't say that to yuji's face and that the whole "finding another path" wasn't because of yuuji and i'm very confused how they reached that conclusion because it's pretty clear that was yuji's influence. What are your thoughts on it?

Hi anon! Sorry for replying a bit late. This got a bit lengthier because I tend to yap about these two so more under the cut.

Everything is quite clear if you have a good grasp of who Sukuna is in canon. It doesn't need saying that Sukuna is very hard-headed and that he doesn't care about anything other than himself. He might go along with something, but only- and a big emphasis on only- if he wants to. He's pretty selfish and had survived with that mindset without ever changing or contemplating on changing himself. For years and years. I'm pretty sure that him suddenly yapping about trying a different path in life after he lost to Yuuji (even stopping to zone out mid fight because the thought of killing Yuuji didn't entertain him but rather irritated him lmfao) is a quite clear answer to who truly affected him and managed to reach him.

For him to declare that he lost, or to quote exactly what Yuuji's own words to him in 268 meant, definitely means that his reason for change stems from no one else but Yuuji. It wasn't a whiplash type of change, like him suddenly embracing everything that is so opposite of him, but just a subtle nod of acknowledgement- which is finding a different path. It's a fitting in-character response to Yuuji's own words. And, considering it's them, we all know that he'd never ever say that to Yuuji's face because he doesn't want him to be right lol

Sukuna remains as we had known him (and grew to love him) but he admits to changing one aspect of himself and that is: his connection to the world and the way he views people around him which was what Yuuji had said to him. Not to curse someone but to live with someone.

He basically told him not to be alone and stop being so unapproachable. It's the whole "unseen and unknown by anyone" thing (which- for context- comes from his chosen character song by Gege). Yuuji brought him down from the moon and told him to try to mingle with the people and stop playing the part of an alien.

Might I also mention the fact that this *points at the last sentence of the upper paragraph* is lowkey Yuuji talking about their relationship because Sukuna had no trouble "dancing" with others and praising them yet when it came to Yuuji, he was distant, unimpressed, and didn't spare him any compliments. He always called him "brat". He called him "boring". Yuuji is always singled out and therefore the one who Sukuna appears to as "something untouchable and unreachable" because he never gets anything out of him, not even when there's just the two of them in his Domain, not even when he shoots arrows with him and fishes crayfish (Chapter 265). Sukuna resolutely keeps his mouth shut- doesn't talk about himself, doesn't talk about Yuuji.

Hell, the whole conflict between them can be literally encapsulated in the fact that they have opposing views on strength and how they perceive the world around them and that they can't accept one another because of it and because they are quite stubborn themselves. It's there when Sukuna is telling Yuuji that everyone around him will die. It's there when Yuuji asks Sukuna why can't he and the rest just live without causing suffering while Sukuna asks him why he and the rest were so weak- as in, why didn't they embrace his way of living. Those who suffer the most, after all, usually suffer because of others or for others and Yuuji is the prime, perfect, walking example of that. All of this is given a proper conclusion in the end with Yuuji proving Sukuna wrong on every account. He is strong. He is capable. It was just that Sukuna's own mindset had led him to defeat, all because he wasn't willing to see Yuuji's own worth and had never acknowledged him nor his "ideal". You know who else was doing that? Yuuji. But... Yuuji had changed. He was no longer indifferent to him, no longer ignored him, nor hated him, but took his time to try and reach him. From indifference to hate to love. Sukuna never did, even if he was unconsciously changing because his behavior and words were all over the place. Still, he vehemently rejected it because to him it's all about himself and "if I don't openly acknowledge it, it's not happening to me".

Yuuji is stubborn as hell and Sukuna is too (why he says "You are me" to him lol) and hence realized the only way to prove him wrong was to beat him. And by "beat", I mean offer him to continue to live in Yuuji's body, watch him stomp down the offer (not once but twice AND despite Yuuji noting how talking with him is worthless in 265, he still tries, oh bless him) and choose death over accepting Yuuji.

Now, anyone who isn't into these two (as a ship or generally their dynamic) might see this as "aha! see he'd rather die than live with him so how the hell did yuuji exactly change him or reach him" but then they do tend to forget how everything ended. There are a couple of panels after Yuuji looks up to the sky, clearly thinking of Sukuna because he's gazing at the fingers he lost because of him. This moment was spurred on by Yuuji's words to Megumi- that the finger he left in the shed is practically harmless now. The panels which follow is the moment where Sukuna is proving himself as Yuuji's words (harmless) and FINALLY there's no more vehement rejection (for him to say "nah I won't consider a different path") or blatant disregard for him but actual matching thought process. Sukuna and Yuuji matching? Sharing opinions? No longer vehemently being opposed to each other? In my jjk? It's more likely than you think!

I don't know why some still reject the idea of Yuuji changing Sukuna when the entire conflict of this manga had started with them and ended with them. Sukuna had walked one path his entire life until he met Yuuji and meanwhile Yuuji wouldn't really figure out his own self-worth if it weren't for Sukuna.

That was the long answer. The short answer would be "yes, he did, it's pretty much in your face if you read the manga."

And that's all from me! Sorry for yapping, anon, but it will happen again. I love these two idiots way too much.

[lovelyladyabsinthewrites]

Love Song for a Vampire Pt.24

Pairing(s): Edward Cullen x Wolf!Reader, Jacob Black x OC

Warnings: slight OOC? I tried to keep Edward as close to character as possible, kinda kept with book Edward vibes

Words: 2432

Summary: Returning for your trip to Port Angeles, your pack entertains Evita at the weekly bonfire.

Part 1    Part 2    Part 3    Part 4  Part 5  Part 6  Part 7  Part 8  Part 9  Part 10  Part 11  Part 12  Part 13  Part 14  Part 15  Part 16  Part 17  Part 18  Part 19  Part 20  Part 21  Part 22  Part 23  Part 25  Part 26  Part 27  Part 28  Part 29  Part 30  Part 31  Part 32  Part 33  Part 34  Part 35  Part 36  Part 37  Part 38  Part 39  Part 40(series finale) 

Though it caused Alice a great deal of pain, she centered her focus and thrust her mind into (y/n)’s future. For now there was nothing she could do but wait for Edward to either intervene or let the wolf girl go through with her plan to disrupt fate.

She slipped into the dark recesses of time itself and simply let her selfconscious freefall. Whipped this way and that as she attempted to stay course, Alice felt like her mind was being torn to shreds. The repercussions of her actions would result in her being indisposed for several days, but she just had to know if (y/n) would succeed.

The gentle touch of a pleading Jasper brings her back to her physical form. Her head spun as she forced her eyes open. “Why did you do that?”

“You looked like you were in pain. What did you see?” Jasper didn’t mind the snap that was in her tone.

“Nothing. I was trying to see into (y/n)’s future. But it’s not something I can simply conjure up. . .” Alice continued to tell Jasper about (y/n)’s visit and Alice’s phone call to Edward. She had no right to intercede in Edward’s life, but there was something inside of Alice that told her the two star crossed lovers were meant to be.

The pain was like a nail into her skull as she doubled over in Jasper’s arms. In his embrace, Alice was safe.

Her safety was never Alice’s concern though. “I just want to help them.”

“I know.” Jasper pressed her even more against his chest. “But you have to let events play out as they will. If it’s meant to be, well, they’ll figure it out eventually. And you have to accept that it may not happen right away.”

Her tear ducts, though non functioning, burned at the rim with tears that could not produce anything. Edward was not her brother by blood, but through pain and genuine familial love that neither had squire experienced before.

And since meeting and getting to know (y/n), Alice knew with all her heart that she was the one who could truly make her brother happy. They were at least on the same spectrum; from the same world that consisted of supernatural beings such as vampires and werewolves.

Bella was a sweet girl and at her worst she was a little too naive for someone as old as Edward. Transforming into a wolf had rapidly matured (y/n) like it did with her packmates. Even her manner of perceiving situations was from a mature aspect. (Y/n) was fierce too when she was forced into it. Edward had retold of the two of them fighting back-to-back. Protecting one another in perfect unison.

She wanted him to have a mate that could protect him. Like how Alice had Jasper. Someone who could brave this tough underworld of their’s and live through it all.

Finally parking in the popular downtown area of Port Angeles, you and Evita eagerly spring from Sam’s car

Managing to keep your interaction with Alice to yourself, you’d put on a cheerful facade in the car.

Evita looks at her phone screen to affirm the store address, she leads everyone onto the Main Street that was buzzing with people enjoying their summer. Leisurely you stroll by and peek into shop windows. It wasn’t often you got out of La Push. Cities like Port Angeles remind you that the world was so much bigger than the protective forest of your home.

Not like you had much money to fuel any visits to the city. Your parents were right with one thing, being a wolf warrior did not pay. Jacob did have a part-time job as did Quil and some of the older members of your pack.

When your trio steps foot into the metaphysical store Evita guided you to, you’re hit with the strong accent of incense that made your nose curl until you grew accustomed. Sam too wipes at his nose to try and lessen the intensity.

Peacefully quiet except for the soft whispers of other customers, Evita is already on the hunt for the remainder of the ingredients she needs. Leaving you and Sam to linger in the shape that possessed so many dazzling items. Crystals of all shapes and sizes were sold as were devotional items of gods and goddesses from nearly every religion. A nook in the back was where the walls were lined with books. Mythology books, herbs, and other literature based on magic and the supernatural.

“I never knew stores like this existed.” Sam mutters to you as he squeezes himself through the narrow aisles. His hulking frame made him a bull in a china shop. There were too many things for him to potentially break.

“Besides the smell, I like it.” You pick up a bead bracelet to admire. “Some of this stuff was used by our ancestors.”

Sam chuckles. “Some of the elders still use stuff like this.”

Tonight Evita would be attending your weekly bonfire session with the elders and rest of the pack. Part of you hopes Jacob won’t show up. “What do you think is going to happen with Jacob?”

“He just needs time.”

“What if Evita. . .”

Neither of you finish that sentence, not wanting to think about what would happen to Jacob if Evita rejected him. You’d experienced that pain.

If her bond breaking spell worked, then you wouldn’t even have to worry about it. Jacob could use it too.

Warily, Sam says in a low voice “I haven’t had the time to ask you, what with Jacob imprinting on Evita and the Denali vampire visit. . .” He lingers a bit trying to best formulate his question. “Do you still intend on breaking your imprint?”

You figure he would’ve figured it out sooner rather than later. Absentmindedly, you run your fingers along the spine of a book with the title “The Alchemists’ Meditative Guide”. “Yes.”

He was disappointed, you could tell by the manner he closed his eyes and breathed through his nose in a sharp hiss.

“You don’t approve anymore?” Great, the second person to disagree with your choice.

His near black eyes flick open and he looks down the aisle where Evita was slowly coming back up with her items she intends to purchase. “I’m not going to tell you how to live your life. And I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t wish I’d found a way to break my own imprinting in the beginning. If such a thing had existed for me back then, I might have used it as well and possibly still be with Leah.”

They had been so in love, Sam and Leah, before shit hit the fan. Much like Bella and Edward.

“Now though, I don’t think I would go back and change things. I’ve finally found peace with my life and what has happened.”

Things between himself and the one other female wolf were still fractured. Leah knowing that Sam didn’t imprint on Emily on purpose would not make her forgive either of them anytime soon and they understood that.

“Keep the spell to yourself. Don’t tell Jacob.”

You open your mouth to protest, whipping your head to your alpha who stood there motionless. His eyes trained on you.

“Sorry for taking so long.” Evita apologizes as she readjusts the plastic bag handles in her grip. “I couldn’t find all I needed so I had to think of some substitutes.”

Forcing your face to brighten, your trio makes the long car ride back to the seemingly remote area of La Push.

With each mile, your resolution was crumbling if even Sam thought you shouldn’t go through with it. You want to discuss more about it with Sam but the car ride back was a relatively silent one. While your circumstances were similar to that of Sam’s, in the end it was still leagues different due to the matter of what Edward was. How could anything between the two of you work long term?

Imprinting worked so that your future offspring would be strong. Could Edward even get you pregnant?

That thought made you blush and any other thoughts were squashed from embarrassment.

Once Sam’s wheels crunched the gravel of his driveway, you went about prepping for the bonfire that would be starting in a few hours. As Sam was the pack alpha, even the elders agreed to hold it in his driveway. Collapsible chairs would be brought and stuck into the pebbles as The older members of the community built the fire.

Evita helps out by setting up the long table that held plates filled with food and beverages. Other members who showed up early also happily lent a helping hand. Even as a small girl, you loved these nights where everyone got together and shared in laughs and stories.

The young witch’s own community was not as big as your own. In fact it resided to only her close family. Everyone at her school and in her city were relatively normal people. Not that her country lacked brujeria and magic in all of its shapes.

While bringing out blankets for the elders that were expected to show up, you happen to catch Sue’s car pulling in. The passenger seat was occupied by Billy, his favorite hat being situated on his head as he was helped out by Paul and Jared.

No sign of Jacob though.

You allow relief to soften your body. At least there wouldn’t be any scene tonight.

The members of the pack were the last ones to get there as they were finishing up securing the perimeter. They were allowed at least one night to let loose and not have to worry about vampiric strangers stepping foot on their land. There was the reassurance that the Cullens would catch them before doing any real damage if they even got to that point.

You and Evita say hello to Quil and Embry. Normalcy almost seemed feasible in the moment of revelry and watching the warm faces of those you had grown up with smile.

Finally, as everyone has filled their plate and taken their seats, the elders greet those in attendance. The summer night air is tepid, neither cold nor hot and making that night even better by the perfect weather.

At one point, Evita checks the time on her phone and gently nudges you. It was time for your bond breaking.

You were losing faith in your resolve but quietly followed her back into the forest and provided you with a long strand of hair plucked from your scalp. As she walks, Evita winds the hair around a long, black, taper candle. The screen on your phone did not show any messages that had gone unnoticed. None from Edward.

“Let me try calling him.” You put your phone up to your ear and walk a few steps away, allowing Evita to lay out the rest of her tools on the ground.

The other end picks up immediately. “(Y/N)!”

“Hey, Edward. Did Alice-“

“Don’t do it. Please don’t do it.” Was he really out of breath? And from what.

“Edward, this would solve everything! No Volturi. No more fighting. And you and Bella can get back together.” You nearly snap at him. Why was no one else thinking about the positive things that would result because of this decision?

An intruding sound of leaves crunching under foot makes you snap your gaze upward to Edward standing right there. He dropped his phone into his pocket, hesitant to advance towards you. He glances over to Evita who had stopped working and cautiously watched their interaction.

You put your phone away too and nervously rub your hands together.

“I don’t want that.”

You stumble over words that couldn’t be forced out. Taken by utter surprise by his appearance, you summon your courage to face him. “This is a good thing. Didn’t you hear me? No more fighting and you and Bella can go on with your life together.”

Shaking his head, Edward says “I can’t go back to Bella with an honest heart. (Y/n), I want to get to know you. You are the most interesting and warm person I have met in a very long time. I want the chance to experience what it’s like to. . . Be loved by you.”

An uncontrollable nervous laugh escapes you. Anywhere but Edward’s face was your target. This wasn’t real. Couldn’t possibly be real. Edward would never say anything like that. He was devoted to Bella even if she was the one to break things off.

This was simply too much for your brain to handle all at once.

Never did you imagine Edward saying such sweet words to your.

“I heard your heart when you told me you really didn’t want to be in love with me. It screamed the opposite. The love song that was in your heart made me quake in my shoes. Your heart beat, your entire being, has since enraptured me.” Edward spits out the thoughts he had been so afraid to say out loud. Judgement from his family and hurting Bella kept them dormant inside.

He. . . He wanted to try and be with you.

In slow motion, he bravely walks closer to you as you struggle to even breathe. None of this felt real, but his scent was too overwhelming to not be real.

Your imprintee was looking at you with molten warmth nearing to being in awe.

Edward closes his eyes in bliss at the rapid thumping of the large muscle in your chest. “I can’t hear your thoughts, but the beating of your heart is close to it.”

Nothing else matters. Not when Edward cups your cheek and a spike of excitement jolts through every layer of your skin. That was something your brain could not easily conjure.

Near bursting from joy, you hold onto this moment before succumbing to his touch in such a pathetic way but you didn’t care. After giving up hope of Edward ever reciprocating any sort of feeling, he was the one to come and stop you. Edward wanted this bond to stay and to figure things out together.

“If you’ll have me, I would like to try.” He whispers out of Evita’s hearing but enough for you to hear the soft pleading tone in it.

“Yes. Okay.”

If things didn’t work out, well, Evita’s spell was there in the back burner.

For now you would through caution to the wind and let whatever may happen, happen.

——————————

TAGLIST: @saltedcoffeescotch , @dangerouslittlefairy , @burn-crash-rqmance , @casedoina , @avadakadabra93 , @daryldixonstorm , @blue-aconite , @xanniestired666 , @esposadomd, @godinho11 , @arin-swear-rose , @alexizodd , @melaninsugarbaby , @lyeatoalinatoheaven  , @ronwownsme , @itsmytimetoodream , @afro-hispwriter , @mutandis-extremis993 , @hxgemxscles , @nightly-polaris , @corrodedcoffins-slut , @ellesalazar , @itgetzweird08 , @crybabyatthediscooffandoms , @sassyandclassyx , @scarlet2007 , @theroyalbrownbarbie , @jennyamanda8 , @stevenandmarcslove , @biancaindaeyo , @loversjoy , @turningtoclown , @vixorell , @xxthackerybinxxx , @daredevilonmyheels , @dumbbitch-juice , @southern-bell-give-hell

[ace-touya]

I don’t know if anyone’s listened to the Enneagram album by Sleeping At Last, but I’m going to assign each song to an MHA character!

Izuku Midoriya

One is an optimistic song. For Izuku, I believe it highlights his beliefs that being a hero means to save others and contribute to making the world better, and the confidence he has in heroes to do that. This song also has a few lyrics that I think resonate with his arc in terms of being quirkless.

All Might

Two is a song that focuses on the narrators relationship with others rather than self-reflection like many of the other songs in enneagram. I think this highlights one of my favourite traits that All Might possesses - the fact that he’s in no way arrogant despite definitely coming across as someone who would be. The themes of this song also relate to the aspect of All Might’s character that puts others before himself far too often.

Katsuki Bakugo

Three is an anthem for burnt-out gifted kids. A major part of Katsuki’s character revolves around a fight to be the best, and this song delves into the moment of realisation that perfection isn’t necessary, and that the narrator has worth even with all their flaws

Shoto Todoroki

Four revolves around learning to find the good in the world and discovering yourself. Shoto has come a long way since season one of My Hero Academia, realising the things that he truly wants and who he wants to be, learning to forgive, and forming friendships with people who he feels safe around. In four, the narrator is still working through their feelings, but they’re beginning to love the life they lead.

Tomura Shigaraki

Five explores the thoughts of someone who needs to understand the world in order to not feel threatened by it. Tomura’s character, all throughout the series, has worked to reveal the holes in hero society. He hates it, and he wants rid of it, because he no longer wants to be hurt. The narrator of Five struggles with detachment and a fear of the chaotic world around them, feelings that I do see present in Tomura’s character. However, the narrator finds closure and belonging through human connection. And Tomura found that with the league.

Keigo Takami

Six speaks on struggling with negativity. Keigo is an overall optimistic character, but he’s been through horrific traumas and as a result, that positivity likely doesn’t come as easy to him as Izuku’s does. Keigo struggles, but he ultimately believes that the world is good. Five portrays a fight with depression, and the narrator is constantly fighting their own mind just to stay alive, yet they also want to be there for others. I think this is the kind of energy we’d get from Hawks if we saw what his day-to-day was like.

Eijiro Kirishima

Seven is a song about adventure. Kirishima is full of infectious positivity who, while maybe not the most confident in himself, is confident in his goals and morals. He wants to be manly, which to him means brave and compassionate. Seven’s narrator is always trying to move toward their goals, and deeply appreciates the world they live in and the people they’re surrounded by. Seven doesn’t seem, at first glance, to be as deep as the other songs in the album, but it is still just as introspective once you pay attention.

Touya Todoroki

Eight is about growing up too fast. When Touya became Dabi, he also became closed off and secretive. Eight’s narrator is angry, and scared of healing, and is finally putting themself and their pain on display in hopes that they’ll be understood. Dabi wants to be seen and heard and still craves the same thing he wanted as a child: validation from his father. The narrator feels like they aren’t the same person they were when they were young, and that they can’t go back to that version of themself, and has a deep sense of protectiveness over anything that they see themselves in. This is my favourite song on the album.

Himiko Toga

Nine is about the aftermath of being what others want instead of being yourself. Toga’s childhood was full of pretending to be ‘normal’ to appease her parents and fit in, leading to her desperation to be herself and do what she wants now, because she was never able to before. The narrator wants to start over, and what’s to be someone they like. They want to experience life for themselves, regardless of what other’s think of them. However, they still find their understanding of others just as important as their understanding of themself. This is my enneagram!

[krankittoeleven]

top ten favorite bands/musicians tag game

Thank you @findusinaweek for the tag. It should be noted that my favorites really do ebb and flow in and out of favor depending on my mood and what's generally going on in my life. This list is in no particular order. I'm not sure if I could ever truly pick a number one favorite.

Puscifer - my super hot take that usually gets me in trouble with certain kinds of music lovers is that Puscifer (and a Perfect Circle) is leaps and bounds better than Tool. Which is not to say that Tool is bad, it's just that I think Maynard's side projects are better. Fight Me. Actually, don't, I have other things I'd rather waste my time on.

PIG - Really, I love anyone that's been a part of KMFDM at one point or another, but Raymond Watts' solo stuff is among my favorites. His music really embodies sex, drugs & rock n roll, uplifts counter culture and points the finger at problematic aspects of government, religion and society. He's also just a really chill dude who is fun to talk to after shows.

Skinny Puppy - Just saw them in concert last night, on their farewell tour. They've provided me with nearly a life time of music. My uncle, who helped raise me, is a huge fan and he played them a lot when I was a kid, which of course led to me listening to them on my own. It's always been our thing to see them live together, no matter where we are, we figure out how to come together to catch them each tour. Glad we could do it one last time.

Pink Floyd - another band that has been providing the backing music to my like like SP. I love that i can find Pink Floyd music to fit just about any mood, but really, my fondest memories of their music is getting stoned and chilling out. xD Saw Roger Waters live a few years ago and I'm glad he still puts on live shows that really embody the essence of Pink Floyd.

Snoop Dog - good music and an amusing dude. Honestly, these days I just really love his middle aged man vibe, and all the silliness with Martha Stewart. But I did grow up in his musical prime and I'm glad I was around the right people at the right time to get into not just Snoop's music, but others in the genre.

Rammstein - I think my favorite thing about Rammstein, aside from their weird, sometimes unnerving, industrial aesthetic, is just that their music has remained consistently good their entire career and that is so hard to do. Like, there isn't an album of theirs I ignore or songs that I skip. Ok, well their is one exception to that and it's Du Hast, but that's because it got sooooo much radio play in the US that I just do not ever need to listen to it again. LOL But other than that, its all pure gold.

Leonard Cohen - I love this man. His music was brutally honest, and really, the world is just a lesser place without him in it. I usually don't get too worked up when famous people die, i think that sucks and feel a little bummed, but when Leonard Cohen died I will admit to feeling something near to destroyed for quiet some time. If you ever think somethings I say or do is referencing Leonard Cohen, I assure you, it is.

KMFDM - One of the ultimate 'rotating roster of musicians' bands that really fueled my teen age and young adult years. I still love them, always will, but I do feel like they were at their best and freshest when different artists were coming and going and contributing to their sound. The music is less unique from album to album now that they have more of a fixed roster.

Low Roar - I had no idea who Low Roar was before I played Death Stranding, so thank you Kojima for dotting the game with their music. Bummer that their lead singer died last year, that's truly unfortunate.

Jazz - yes, I'm just putting the whole genre here because I don't have a particular favorite artist or group. I just like me some good jazz. I played tenor sax for quiet a few years and my inner sax man still lives on inside me.

I will tag @ainulindaelynn @brasideios @akashadarkblade @mini-uzzy @theinkandthesea @liminalspacecowboah @vault-heck @vdk-hellscape and anyone else that wants to!

[liam-summers]

3, 4, 19, 20, 21 🫶🏼💕

haha you picked some truly violent ones, Suz!

3. Screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

LOL do you have 100 years? There are soooo many takes I see that really make me wonder how someone could have formed that thought and then decided that it was a good idea to write it on the internet. I'll share one that I was told about recently. I didn't actually see it myself but someone told me about it and it goes a little something like this (I think?): Apparently Buffy is Angel's Riley because she is a rebound for Darla and he only really got with Buffy because she looks like Darla. Then, apparently, Cordelia is what Darla would have been like if life had been kinder to her, therefore, Cordelia is the perfect woman for Angel because she is an "improved" Darla.

Safe to say I'm glad I didn't see this take with my own two eyes because I think my brain would have malfunctioned. ANYWAY.

4. what was the last straw that made you finally block that annoying person?

I really don't have a last straw when it comes to blocking someone. I will block people for any minor thing that annoys me lol. It's not personal or anything but I just really value having a space where I can see the content I want to see and not see the content I don't want to see. I think everyone should be able to post whatever they want and block whoever they want for any reason, any time.

19. you're mad/ashamed/horrified you actually kind of like...

I can't really think of anything fandom related for this one. Outside of fandom, I fucking love Tiktok and it's so embarrassing but god damn is that app entertaining. Would not be able to get through the work day without it lol

20. part of canon you found tedious and boring

The soap opera that Angel the Series turned into when they started pairing off all the characters in S3. It's one of the most frustrating aspects of the show for me and it really diminishes my enjoyment of the show overall...I often dread getting to that part in my rewatches because I just do not care and it takes up so much space so there's no escaping it. The characters were a lot more interesting when the relationships were that of a group of friends just fighting evil together without the added drama of romance.

21. part of canon you think is overhyped

Once More with Feeling 😬

I get it. I get why the episode is important and I get why people like it. But I was never a fan of musicals and I never feel the urge to rewatch that episode. I also don't know any of the songs by heart and I have no desire to know them lol

Thanks for the ask 💖

[artistlense]

Fascinated

I am absolutely fascinated by aspects of people. People are so absolutely incredible in what they can do and accomplish. If you stop and really think about how it is, humans create things through dedication so much bigger than themselves and others. Amazing things like make songs that rattle you to your bones, paint scenes that you feel in your heart and feel you can touch, defy gravity gracefully doing aerial silks, float in the air like a perfect figure as a ballerina, lift incredible amounts of weights, fight like an apex beast, carve and create figures of life out of clay, do mathematics that answer questions we didn't even know we have, store unfathomable wells of knowledge and academia, be gentle and foster smaller life forms like animals, create detailed and incredible stories and religions, heal the sick and mend broken bones. Everyone on the planet is capable of something incredible. Something reality shattering in its own pocket of respect. People can climb and scale heights thousands of times taller than themselves, dive and explore secrets of the natural world. I can't even wrap my head around the feats we as humans can accomplish through practice, pain, and unwavering will. Despite all of our corruption, greed, hate, jealousy, murder, lying, adultery, torture, and truly evil parts we have the capability to be so much more. To do so much more. To create so much more. Every action done causes a ripple in the universe and makes a small invisible mark that will never die because it was done in the time it took to be. I can't even put into words how truly amazing it is, to defy death in action of creation and life. Just sometimes sit back and simply watch in awe, feel that bubbling sense of giddy at the fact that something someone is and does is. Or, build yourself into something more. Be more. Do more. Practice more. Find your thing, find your defiance of death and fucking full throttle it because you can, we can, it all will be and can be if you just do it. We are magic, we are the figures of the energy, of life, that is here and now and pulses through our veins as much as our world's veins.

[amorelray]

#4. Bungou Stray Dogs🐕

‼TW: MENTIONS OF SUICIDE‼

I feel like I have all & nothing to say for Bungou Stray Dogs😂 There are some characters that I love dearly in this show, but also the whole plotline itself is so intriguing to me. This show really felt like it had a little bit of everything that I really enjoy. Also, once again - PLEASE look up the music for this show🎶 Lily - one of the endings - is one of my favorite ending songs I've ever heard for an anime.💙

The dynamic between The Detective Agency🔍 and Port Mafia🌑 is amazing. Never before have I felt like I've seen a show write out two entities and their dynamic/relationship so well. Both of these have felt like 2-sides of the same coin and I absolutely love it. Each has their own identity and identifying factors of who they are, how they operate, and what traits they carry amongst their people; but at the end of the day - I truly feel like they function well together. It's a very intriguing and interesting dynamic to watch unfold throughout the series. It's been one of my favorite things to watch as characters sometimes cross the lines between each entity and some people feel like they belong to both for different reasons and at different times.🤔

I wholeheartedly love MOST of the characters!💖 I think that the characters in BSD are all very loveable in different ways. In fact, when I started the show and first met Dazai, I remember thinking to myself "oh gosh...don't fall in love with this suicidal maniac." And what happened? Dazai is one of my top 3 favorites in the show.🙃 I also very quickly fell in love with Rampo from The Detective Agency and Chuuya from the Port Mafia! Those 3 are absolutely amazing to me and I love their personalities down to their very last atom. ❗SPOILERS❗ Plus, the banter that I get to witness between Chuuya and Dazai absolutely kills me😂 The utter nonsense that Chuuya has to put up with from Dazai is outragious and so comical. But I love their dynamic so much because even though they fight with each other and constantly talk about "wanting to kill" the other - time and time again, they are seen working together as a perfect unit; with sincere trust.

I also love the way that the powers work within the show and that you can see characters slowly develop and hone their "abilities." Each power is tied to the character themselves, but also is tied to a famous piece of writing that the character did in real life. If you haven't watched BSD, each character is based on a famous author.📚 I think it was super cool to add that aspect to the show and pull inspiration from these (now-deceased) authors! Each author ties into the ability each person has, their name, and even what personality traits they possess. ❗SPOILERS❗ For Instance: - Dazai Osamu was an author who, countless times, tried to take his own life and was obsessed with trying to commit suicide. When he did finally die, he died alongside a woman who was expected to be his sweetheart. this information plays HEAVILY into Dazai from the show as he's seen consistently trying to off himself and eventually speaking/singing of a "double suicide" that he'd like to commit alongside a beautiful woman. Also, Dazai's ability is called "No Longer Human," which was a work about a man who felt like he was incapable of understanding other human beings and eventually had a failed attempt. In the show, Dazai's ability is used as a nullifier for any and all other abilities, but the book still ties into Dazai's worldview. It plays in this way because Dazai speaks over and over again about how he feels like his life has no meaning and therefore doesn't understand how others live.

I could honestly go on and on about how well this show is written for its plotline and characters. So, instead, maybe give it a watch and see for yourself!😊

[het-field]

"I love the idea", James told her with a genuine smile. He truly did. He was the only one refusing the idea of having a girl in their video but now, he didn't regret their decision. "It's exactly like the song. A fight to survive, a fight to live" he added, already picturing in his mind what it could be, the different scenes that could go along with the music. "And you have that innocent and kind look that is perfect for the angel of death..Seems like you are made to be in the metal world after all", he chuckled softly, sipping his beer.

He looked at the ocean for a short brief, many thoughts crossing his mind. He was glad Riley seemed to be comfortable around him and wondered if he could have feelings for her? No doubt he was attracted. She was beautiful, kind and had lovely eyes but she was too good for him. James knew that. But it was difficult for him to not flirt, after all he was always surrounded by girls for that... But Riley deserved better and someone better. He could be his friend, as she could be his. Cause James didn't want to say farewell after the shooting of the music video.

"Oh, well...I'd say I truly enjoy making music and sharing it with fans. Being a rockstar isn't easy but we surely enjoyed the good aspects of it", he told her, glancing sometimes at her while his hands played with some grain of sands. "But waking up with a terrible headache and an unknown, naked girl next to you, having a bad hangover isn't really nice...I mean, it's fun when you're drunk but at the end of the day you're lonely and you know these people only like the "rockstar" not the real you".

James shrugged, like it was a fatality and stopped playing with the sand. He rubbed his hands together to clean them, suddenly having an idea. "Wanna go swimming before it's too late?", he proposed to her, placing his beer next to him. He quickly got up, showing his hand to Riley. "Come'on, your last chance to dive" he said with a giggle as he pushed her up, going to the ocean

Closed starter 🎬

Riley's life has been changed since her first big role in the movie. Too small for the Hollywood's first line but extremely important for a beginner in the industry. She did it and she was so happy! People began to recognize her, meet her on the street and ask her for photos and autographs. This was the dream come true!

But she didn't want to stop on one role. Riley Page has her long way to the top and now she was just on the first stage of her new life. That's why her friend-manager suggested her to try herself in different ways. One of them was a casting for a music video for a band called Metallica. Who were they even? Some dirty guys playing noisy music? Riley was sceptical about it but her manager assured her that they were one of the hottests things in America, and that this collaboration will help them both.

Whilst her team did all the paper work, Riley was preparing for her take. Just some acting warm-up and she'll be the best. But once she entered the room she was flabbergasted. There was a ton of pretty chicks of different nations, races and even body types! Riley gulped, sitting near one of the girls in the line. "Are they all here for the casting?", she asked quietly but got only a sarcasmic chuckle. "First time here? Never thought that someone doesn't know how the "casting" goes for the metal bands", the girl said with a smirk, making Riley feeling anxious. Was there something she didn't know?

@het-field

[seoness]

Hi Seoness, how are you? I recently discovered your blog, and a Hound lover as I am, fell in love with your writing, the way you capture his personality so well is amazing. I wanted to ask your opinion about how someone can win his heart, considering all the boundaries he has in place. I imagine that would be a difficult undertaking, but hopefully not impossible 😅. Thank you!

Hello, I'm great and it's hard to be anything different with such kindness 😊

I wrestled with how I should answer this question. Should I write some Isekai-scenario, a detailed list of favorable actions or attributes? I tried both, yet they felt lacking. Let's get the simplest aspect of this answer out of the way.

Yes, one can most certainly win over his heart. If my OC can do it, so can others. So how?

The Appeal to Fantasy

Be it by action or by hints in his dialogue. While Gregor shattered Sandor's dream of knighthood, the remnants of that dream - and all that it entails - remain. I believe he is aware of this in some regards, and that he isn't overly fond of its presence, he repeatedly asks Sansa Stark for a song (but in this case I don't necessarily think it's due to romance, but that Sandor is trying to make a mockery of his own want. Subconsciously trying to shatter what little of that dream remains.) The request comes from bitterness.

Appealing to this fantasy could be one way, but it is tricky and a minefield. He detests the title Ser, and wouldn't want overt praise for no reason.

What Never Was

There is however one thing, that I argue is far deeper than Sandor's lost dream of knighthood. Something he has been denied since the day he was born. Family. Having people beside him that are loyal and caring, who would go through hell for one another.

He is naturally drawn to these types of people. Think how he is pulled toward the Starks. You don't have to come from a perfect family, but rather possess the want to make one of your own (be it conventional or unconventional), and how you treat those you count as a part of it would be something he judged you on.

Fate

The difficult thing about answering questions like these (although I love doing it and receiving them🥰) is that surroundings matter. The outside world influence a relationship. When I wrote the first part of my Ao3 series, The Hound and the Little Thief. I, of course, orchestrated events that would allow my OC to display qualities that Sandor Clegane would be attracted to. She was far from "perfect" but still snagged his heart.

Side Note: Do Not Hate the Herd

A tempting thing when daydreaming about the Hound is that thought of "I would look him in the eye, I would be kind to him and show him warmth, treat him as any other". But would you? His demeanor and behavior only offer more excuses not to look up at him. We, of course, have much more knowledge than a first impression would allow of the Hound but that is not something you would have possessed if born into that world. He would have been a man that towered above all others. Frighteningly strong, a strength that would make fighting back pointless. Unless you are of higher birth, he could basically do anything to you and the Lannisters would take his word for what transpired. Sure, we know he isn't Gregor Clegane, but you wouldn't if born into that world. On the contrary, the Hound has a bloody reputation. He is angry and full of hatred.

Regarding if you'll react to his burn:

(SPOILER WARNING for HOTD) In episode 8 when the golden mask is removed. What was your reaction? Did you squirm, flinch, or make a face? Sandor Clegane's burn (in the books) is probably equally or more severe visually. The GoT-version is truly mild in comparison. Sure, he has both his eyes, but his skin has blackened, cracks that gleam wet, with fissures and ridges.

I am not arguing that you couldn't find him attractive or meet his gaze (like I'm a Hound-fan myself), but those who don't can't really be blamed for not doing so. If you're walking the street at night, and a big man, with a locked frown and a walk more like that of a march, is heading your way. Would you not cross the street?

Surviving the Push Back

Not literally. Sandor wouldn't kill you if you try to woo him, but instinct will kick in and he'll try to make you "see sense". Urge you to leave King's Landing, and point out that there would be better matches for you. Here is where he is at his trickiest, the final hurdle before he begins to relax and truly let you inside. He'd rather stay single for eternity than be with someone who pities him, who sees their relationship as a sacrifice. It will be a tug-of-war of sweet moments and confrontation.

Be You

This sounds so boring and cliché. Just be you. But authenticity is important to him. He wants honesty. Being with someone that strives to fit in some pre-set mold when they clearly are meant for something else isn't something that will attract him. It is another thing if you do fit in naturally, but it's the pretending that infuriates him.

Being two-faced, manipulative, and unreliable in your morals would be a major turn-off. The man has served the woman that is heralded as the most beautiful woman in all of Westeros yet we see no inclination of Sandor ever being attracted to Cersei Lannister. Clearly you can be as beautiful as if hand-crafted by the Maiden herself, it won't matter if you give the Rat King a run for his money.

I hope this answer was satisfactory. 🤗 It is more general, but I find specifics can be better crafted in one's own fantasies.

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

character ask game, if he was not yet asked: Boromir! :D if he was, Eowyn? Or a character you really, really wanna talk about 😀

No one has asked me Boromir yet! So I shall do him :D

one aspect about them i love: god what don't I love about Boromir? I love everything about him. But I think it's his lack of perfection - a prevailing theme in the characters I'm drawn to. He is proud, perhaps a little vainglorious, a bit arrogant, certain of his place in the world, strong minded and stiff necked, has his prejudices, has preconceived notions about people that aren't great, wants attention and praise - perhaps to a fault (this we're told, we never really see it. One of Tolkien's faults as a writer is doing a lot of telling but like...not really showing or what is shown is out of sync with what was told and I don't think it's on purpose).

But for all of that he is honourable (to a fault), grounded, sensible, a good leader who knows when to step aside and let others lead, loves his people and would do anything for them, truly just wants to do good, is afraid of the end of the world that he can't see a way out of but by the gods he is going to keep fighting because someone has to, takes people as he finds them and is able to change those prejudices he has (see: Lothlorien - in the books).

He's so utterly, perfectly human in a way that I really like and do find, on a personal level, relatable. Especially the complicated family stuff - being the sibling who doesn't receive the shit shoveling the other one does. Who hates that it's happening but who still loves their parent. That's a bag of worms that has my name all over it.

one aspect i wish more people understood about them: I think most people understand the multi-faceted nature of Boromir. That's pretty well discussed and explored, from what I've seen. I think most get that he's not evil, he's not a bad person, he's just someone who is trying their best in phenomenally difficult times. I think that's something we can all relate to - especially in the last two years. I suppose, it's more about family dynamics, but I do wish people would complicate his relationship with Faramir more. Like, I think Boromir is more the one who is like "this is my brother, he can do no wrong" and Faramir has the tempered, more brittle/complicated view of Boromir (see the entire conversation with Frodo in TTT's book). And that nuance doesn't detract from either of them, as characters, in fact it makes them far more human and relatable than a perfect relationship. Like I don't doubt Faramir loves his brother, I just don't think it's straight forward and easy how fandom often portrays it.

(ditto, actually, for Eowyn and Eomer. I don't think they're super close. Nothing in the books indicates that they actually talk to each other in a meaningful capacity/know each other well. In fact, what is shown is the opposite. So yeah, I see no reason to assume that they're each other's best friend, and would argue that that read on them is purely fandom made-up with no basis in books [or the films, for that matter].)

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character: Boromir loves stupid, dirty soldier songs. He collects them how Aragorn collects overwrought elvish lays. The more the song is about how fucking annoying the general is, and how much the soldier just wants to go home and screw the pretty lass down the lane who has big tits, the more Boromir finds it utterly delightful.

I also headcanon that Boromir doesn't really laugh (I know I have him laughing in my fic, but I've changed my view on it the longer I spend with him). He smiles, he finds things funny, has a sense of humour - it's all very tapped down as he's a Grim Man From Gondor(tm) - but it's still there. Yet for all that, he doesn't laugh. Not even Merry and Pippin have gotten him to laugh. They've gotten him as close to it as anyone has ever managed, but still not cracked him yet. (They're determined to. It's their Mission Impossible and they've accepted it.)

as well as

one character i love seeing them interact with: Merry and Pippin! They bring out the boy-ishness in Boromir that's been shoved down into a pit because of Duty and Honour and It's End Times etc. but it's still there and they've a skill at bringing it out. Also, Boromir clearly adopts everyone and their grandmother as younger siblings, and Merry and Pippin fall into that and I think it's charming.

one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more: Aragorn! We get bits and pieces in the book (and film) but I wish we had more. And I wish we had more light hearted scenes with them. Anytime they talk it's like Grave Serious The World is Ending shit. And sure, they'd absolutely talk about that, but also I'm sure they'd shoot the shit about things. Aragorn's been to Gondor, he knows the dive bars. Boromir also knows the dive bars. And the floors and loos of the dive bars. (His late teens and first year or two of his 20s were an Adventure filled with Decisions He Made Oh Boy.)

I also wish we saw Boromir and Frodo interact more. If only to really build up the emotional impact of the Amon Hen scene. It's an emotional scene as it is, to be sure, but the pay off would have been that much higher if Boromir had been a sort of second-Aragorn to Frodo. Like OOOF. And for Boromir, who honours and values friendship, it would have been horrific to be in his head. And, it would have made Frodo’s line later of “I was his friend, for my part” that much more heart breaking. In the books, too, where Frodo is going into all the good Boromir did for the Fellowship, and the strengths he brought etc. like, if Boromir had been a sort of second-Aragorn-mentor/friend figure that would have been even more PAINFUL.

In addition, Frodo and Boromir being closer would have made Frodo’s desire to save Gollum from himself/the ring more layered beyond just goodness of Frodo’s heart and the pity he felt for poor Gollum. Because Frodo would be like “I’ve already lost one person, who I esteemed and loved as a friend, to the ring. I’m not losing another person - even if it’s Gollum - to this damn thing.”  

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character: I've already gone on about my views on his relationship with Faramir. I HEADCANON THAT HE LIVES. DON'T KNOW WHAT MOVIE OR BOOK YOU'RE ENGAGING WITH, BUT THE ONES I AM HAVE HIM LIVING. THANK YOU.

Fucking Ian Malcolm style rolls into Rohan "reports of my death were vastly exaggerated." Aragorn is like "I HELD YOU WHILE YOU DIED" and Boromir is like "I know and I have feelings about that too." Gimli's like "I am SO GLAD you're back but also you and Aragorn NEED to get a room."

Actually though, my main headcanon - that the movie supports - is that Boromir and Gimli are bros. I rewatched it recently and paid special attention to Boromir and Gimli and it's never spoken, but there are a lot of interactions between them in the background that indicate them being close. So yeah, I headcanon that Gimli is like "this is my human brother, Boromir. We can give him a Khuzdul name." and Legolas is all "I am YOUR BOYFRIEND and I don't have one yet!!" Boromir is supremely chuffed about this.

I am very sorry for the very long lecture you got. I just have a lot of Boromir feelings and haven't talked about them nearly as much as I have talked about my Grima feelings. SO there's a lot there. More could have been added but I decided to restrain myself.

<3 <3 thank you!! <3 <3

[flickeringart]

Neptune in aspect with Mars

(Read my post about Sun and Moon aspecting Neptune and Mercury and Venus aspecting Neptune)

These planets aspecting each other makes for a curious connection, because in a sense, they represent opposing principles; Mars represents the personal drive and the ability to spring to action, the force that works to impose one’s independent will on the world – Neptune represents the inner urge for emotional unity and the religious/spiritual experience of being merged with the source of life. When these planets are in aspect in the natal chart, the personal ability to carry out one’s will is inextricably linked to redemptive longings. Simply put, Mars-Neptune individuals will put their energy into fulfilling the ego ideal, the perfection of potential that existed before the personality began to form. The personality cannot assert itself in a way that would crush the dream of perfection. Neptune is the dream of purity, the undifferentiated beauty of never having left the garden of Eden. Mars on the other hand is the agent of independence and self-motivated action – he has the purpose of fighting for the individual self which is antithetical to the Neptunian principle of surrender. While the Moon and Venus are quite social; the Moon represents nurturing and care-taking of needs, Venus represents the ability to be loving, affectionate and gracious; Mars is selfish and to a certain extent anti-social – most definitely anti-Eden and its eternal bliss. Subsequently, Neptune paired with Venus or the Moon is a little less of an obvious conflict than Neptune paired with Mars.

The conjunction of Neptune-Mars might cause considerable frustration and unconscious manipulation, because one cannot assert oneself, which is to declare separation, without feeling a deep sense of guilt and shame. It’s a little bit like the Bible story of Adam and Eve eating of the forbidden fruit and immediately becomes aware of sin. This is certainly not an easy phenomenon to deal with. The impulse to avoid accountability for one’s actions can be overwhelming, even if the consequences are perceived to be good. There can be a tremendously inflated sense of righteousness accompanying every move the individual takes because deep down there’s the feeling that one has committed a terrible trespass, that one will be unable to atone for. While the softer aspects, the trine and the sextile, more easily lend themselves to genuine selfless acts and natural inclination to fight on behalf of every bleeding heart and soul in the world through acts of sympathy and kindness, the conjunction usually brings more troubles. There can be an overwhelming feeling of having to do certain things because one cannot stand the idea of being separate from other people. One finds it easy to identify as the martyr or victim, unwilling to take radical responsibility for one’s actions – or if one does it’s in order to self-sacrifice. Often the individual will adopt any ideology that promotes the mass before the individual – often socialism or marxism fits the bill. Neptune is symbolic of undifferentiated reality, blurred edges and passive surrender. It’s not a planet that promotes autonomy and individuation. Not uncommonly, decisions and actions are referred to as byproducts of societal or larger-scale units that have little to do with the poor self. These individuals are usually profoundly dissatisfied with the ways of society because on some level they believe that individual autonomy and agency is a sin – and that the only way to redeem oneself and humanity is through some kind of chaotic dissolution of difference. This urge is seldom conscious, but it is there none the less. Vladimir Lenin had this conjunction and he wanted to revolutionize society to fit the marxist ideology, but really what this means is to overthrow the upper class – to punish those that seem to revel in the delights of Eden, to get rid of the internal shame of being excluded from paradise.

It seems like Neptune-Mars shows up in individuals with the capacity to move a crowd, perhaps most importantly, with the capacity to be the front figure and leader of the masses. Vladimir Lenin certainly affected the masses and so did Napoleon I with the same conjunction. Hassan II of Morocco, known to be one of the most severe rulers widely accused of authoritarian practices and abuses of civil rights had this conjunction as well. These examples are far removed from Neptune’s reputation for denoting empathy, soft-heartedness and sensitivity. However, it might be precisely because of the refusal to abandon the hope of the sweet sweet nectar of paradise that can only truly be accessed in a state of pre-birth if even then, that the outrage is so total. Most children scream when they are born, and this is probably the kind of terrible rage caused by separation that lingers in these people. The sign the conjunction falls in will certainly affect the expression the energies filter through – Lenin had the conjunction in Aries, Hassan had it in Leo and Napoleon had it in Virgo. Virgo is a much more analytical and practical sign than the prideful fire signs of Aries and Leo – consequently Napoleon is famous for his fine skill for method and strategy in war. On his Wikipedia page, it states that Napoleon had a hypnotic effect on people and could bend the strongest leaders to his will in one-on-one conversations. Hypnosis is a marked Neptunian phenomenon. What happens is that the person is able to gently infiltrate the other person’s will – which is quite extraordinary. If someone is receptive and open enough to suggestion, the opportunity and the invitation is there to mold the other through unconscious communion. Since there’s no obvious forcing taking place under hypnosis, the hypnotized person must cooperate on some level – yet it’s not a conscious cooperation which is why the whole phenomena of hypnosis is so unnerving. In general, people would like to think that they are in complete control of themselves, but it’s more of a fancy fantasy rather than an actual reality. We don’t know what we are receptive to and Neptune reminds us of this. He seeps through the most tightly shut doors.

(Buy products with my art)

My own family is quite Neptune dominated and what often happens is that I feel subtly manipulated, yet the manipulation is never fully conscious on the part of the individuals so it becomes difficult to confront them. The times I have, they either take offense or seem genuinely perplexed. It is impossible to confront Neptune, because he works underneath the surface, below the threshold of consciousness. When confronted these types are deeply disturbed that they could’ve imposed something on someone – they either go into a introspective mood, become appalled or proclaim their love and sympathy in an attempt to restore union. My mother has Mars in the 12th house and although it’s not aspecting Neptune, Mars is placed in the house pertaining to this planet and she has Neptune in her 1st house. She never gets angry but people around her certainly do. She is eternally understanding of everyone else’s anger and has acceptance for it, yet she doesn’t respond to any of it on a personal level. She apologizes every time something upsets her. She is never aggressive, yet she does instill subtle guilt through little cues and hints every now and then because it is a sin to have a will that does not align with the crowd that one finds oneself in. Sometimes, when things aren’t the way she wants to see them she doesn’t see them. She presumes that on the most basic level, all people want the same thing, which is probably true on a “soul level”, but sometimes it doesn’t translate to everyday matters. People’s personalities contradict each other and this is no trivial matter – people can and do clash because of individual differences and it can be detrimental to one or all of the individuals involved. However, Neptune doesn’t like to see a clash as a clash – that would be to treat it as a definite fact, which would contradict the fluidity of oceanic union. The frustratingly passive statement “It’s everyone’s fault” or “It’s everyone’s responsibility” is the attempt to not deal with cause and effect while establishing the fact that some abstract common force is always at work. This is neither true nor false but this attitude conveniently keeps everyone “unified” and dependent upon each other.

Admittedly I went with the most gruesome examples when writing about the conjunction, but it goes without saying that not all people with this aspect is going to be a Lenin type – Ryan Gosling, Avril Lavinge and Timothé Chalamet all have this conjunction and they’re all quite popular entertainers in their own ways – they move the masses on some level. Ryan Gosling has a Pisces Rising so his chart ruler is Neptune which makes it particularly strong. He gives off that pure hearted watery eyed look that is extremely mesmerizing to the public – he portrays himself as sweet and compassionate, he seems to have a marked innocence and purity to his outward projected identity. Avril Lavinge has her Sun-Mercury in the 12th house squaring her Neptune-Mars conjunction in the 3rd. She has more of an edge to her personality with a lot of planets in Scorpio but she certainly comes off as a chaotic, intense and absent-minded creative which I would attribute more to Neptune. Her strong rebellious “I don’t care” statements through her music resonates with a lot of people, but so does her more sentimental songs. Timothe´ Chalamet has his Moon in Pisces sextile Mars-Mercury-Neptune and he is quite the stereotypical Neptunian boy – he looks delicate, introspective, dreamy and androgynous, more like an ethereal creature than an earth-bound human. With the conjunction in the 5th house there’s no wonder that he can act and express himself in a very fluid way. Acting and performing musically are the specialities of the Neptune, and if enough components in the chart support the endeavor one might just become famous. The trine and sextile aspect also lend themselves well to these kind of occupations. These people can effectively gain the sympathy of the public because people recognize something of themselves – something pure and unborn, a mutual feeling.

A good example of someone with the trine aspect between Neptune and Mars is Russel Brand. He is quite the Neptunian with an angular 10th house Neptune opposing his Sun and trining his Jupiter-Mars-Moon planets in Aries. Even though he certainly has the fire and energy of an Aries Mars that can sometimes be a bit too much for people he is not only fighting for himself he is fighting for all people. In many ways he’s embodying  universal hope and rage. He is fiery but also very receptive and deeply concerned with not causing any damage or hurt despite his characteristic blunt and direct approach. He has a marked religious/spiritual inclination, which is usually the case with a strong Neptune in the chart. In his early years the longing for Eden was sought through drugs, alcohol and fame, while it has now shifted to a more healthy inner exploration and focus on being of service to people. The soft aspects between Neptune and Mars-Moon-Jupiter planets in his chart helps him to cope with the disturbing Sun-Neptune opposition. In recent interviews, he admits that he still feels the pull of fame and success, yet he knows that if he goes down that path he will lose himself (his Sun) and will ultimately end up disillusioned and dissatisfied. I have the trine in my own chart, and I float aimlessly through life with the notion that things will work out and my actions will come to me, because I can’t plan or control anything. I have learnt that I have to trust the way things unfold, because I have a clear sense that my forced actions won’t lead me anywhere except to frustration and a sense of isolation. The sextile aspect seems to function a little bit more as an asset and a skill for the person to use. Politicians like Hillary Clinton, Angela Merkel and Francois Hollande all have this aspect and they can effectively use their receptivity to the masses and people in general to inform their actions.

Now to the harder aspects. Britney Spears is a good example of the dilemmas created by the Neptune-Mars square. Her Neptune squares Mars in the 12th house, the house belonging to Neptune and Pisces. Because of mental instability in her twenties she was put under a conservatorship which is essentially the equivalent of giving up personal control of one’s personal matters in order for an outside source to manage them until one gains some foothold. Mars is one of the prime factors of personal ambition and autonomy, but when it’s in the 12th it is given up – it is essentially a slave to the undifferentiated realm and subjected all the forces of the unconscious. A 12th house Mars in itself doesn’t have to produce the mess that Britney found herself in, but with it squaring Neptune, Mars is going to get swamped, mislead, confused, manipulated and subtly coerced because of the need for fusion, into doing things that will pull her further away from independent action. Another good example is Kylie Jenner. She has Neptune in her 1st house squaring Mars on the MC. She is publicly known for being part of the Kardashian-Jenner family, but she’s also gained attention because she skillfully created her own brand Kylie Cosmetics and became very “successful” (as in earning a lot of money) due to her own independent action and initiative. However, Neptune is anti-independence – and curiously enough there’s always some dishonesty involved when Neptune makes any hard aspects in the chart. She was declared the youngest self-made billionaire by Forbes in 2019, but, she has later been accused of forging tax documents to appear to be a billionaire. Neptune simply can’t let her be all that her Mars wants to be – a successful business woman with a clean record. Self-sabotage is almost always the case, however minor with this aspect, because Neptune refuses Mars’ need to be potent in the world.

The opposition creates a different dynamic although the dilemma is similar to the square. The person can be called to completely abandon an independent will to take action in favor of the glamour and blissful archetypal experience, not unlike the example of Russel Brand and his indulgence in fame and crowd-pleasing at the expense of his sense of self. The difference between having Sun opposing Neptune and Mars opposing Neptune is that in the first instance one is prone to give up a sense of self in favor of Neptune’s waters, while in the second, one feels the urge to give up the ability to direct one’s own life in order to merge with life around oneself. The opposition usually lends itself to extremism because the two polarities, in this case Mars and Neptune, can’t coexist. Queen Elizabeth II has this aspect, Mars-Jupiter in the 1st opposing Neptune in the 7th. She is on the one hand seen as an archetypal figure, immortal and divine and blissfully kept out of the real world in order to serve as a symbol and a fairytale for people to feel spiritually connected to. She’s non-aggressive, forgiving and compassionate, transcendent of the fuss of the world yet overseeing it all with care. She is essentially functioning to satisfy the religious/spiritual instinct of the masses, although it’s certainly done at the expense of her own selfish wants and needs. Luckily for her, her Mars drive is quite global and collective in nature considering that it falls in Aquarius and is conjunct Jupiter – it keeps her objective and less personal in her martial assertion. However, I’m sure she struggles with the contradiction between her own will and her role as an immortal unreality that would seem to activate itself in the interaction with other people (Neptune in the 7th). Edward Snowden also has this opposition falling in the same houses. His Mars-Sun conjunction opposes Neptune, and he famously leaked information about mass surveillance programs to the press. Neptune has everything to do with leaks and the dissolution of boundaries. He’s both been called a hero a traitor – which perfectly fits with the contradiction that the opposition represents. He certainly made a personal sacrifice by revealing the things he did so he is perfectly shouldering the martyr cape. In any case he did what he did for the public with the concern of other people in mind (Neptune 7th house) he took a non-selfish stance for the sake of a higher ideal and ethical conviction. Both Queen Elizabeth and Edward Snowden are quite extreme in their Neptunian capacity and has taken on fates of mythic magnitude.

[delu-jean]

Hey! For your event can I have giyuu or rengoku for 45? That’s one of my favorite songs 💕. (female reader)

𝐏𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐭 𝐎𝐟 𝐕𝐢𝐞𝐰

Giyuu x (fem!/reader) -> Fluff -> 1.2k 

Lyrical Prompt: -> “I want to love me, the way that you love me. Oh, from all of my pretty, and all of my ugly too, I love it when I see me from your point of view,” POV (Ariana Grande)

(Regarding Lyrics): If bolded and slanted (eg: you), they’re lyrics being said. If not (eg: you), then they’re just lyrics/text! 

Notes: 

-> I wanted to do Rengoku originally, but Giyuu was running though my minddd~

-> Thank you for requesting for the event! If you would like to request, please press the hyper link for the “100 Followers Event,” and read the rules! Thanks, and enjoy!! ^^ 

You stared at Giyuu as he glanced out the window. Such a calm, and reserved young man. One of which you adored. He was just so perfect in every aspect. From his stance, the way he spoke, the way his eyes lit, to the way his hands were placed. He truly was a piece of art, one of the more rarer pieces that was showcased to you (luckily). And not only was his presence a gift, but his affection also. 

Giyuu has always handled you with care. Treating you the utmost best he could, even with his duties, and own life in the way. For him, how could he not? You were an extraordinary person. One of which he never dreamed of meeting until you appeared...right in front of him. Speaking of your meeting, it was one he would never forget. 

It's like you got superpowers

Turn my minutes into hours 

At that moment, everything seemed to have stood still. It truly felt like a spell was cast as the word “hello” had escaped from your lips. He was awe stricken. From the way your hand had waved, to the way your hair had swayed. All of you had captivated him, and for once, did time stop. Making that small amount of time feel like an eternity. One of which he hoped would extend, and hopefully, become something more. 

Fortunately for him, that’s exactly what happened. As the more time passed, the more he had fallen for you. Not only did the beauty in your appearance hook him, but so did the compassion in your heart. 

The kindness, selflessness, and passion it held for others, was something astonishing. Something he hadn’t seen in a while, especially in the field of demon slaying. Even when you took the lives of demons, just like Tanjirou, you also felt sympathetic for those beings. Yet instead of wallowing about their tragedy, you instead showed them the better of it. Some listened, and others couldn’t because the pain was too much to bear. Regardless, you did your best to show your intention through your actions. 

Executing each and everyone of them, with grace at the slash of your blade. Not only did you do your best to understand them, but you also did your best to understand others. Though it was a challenge for some people, it felt natural for you to explore more about Giyuu. Not only that, but he felt at ease when you opened closed doors which he had shut. Finding the knob to each individually, ready to repair the damage done. 

 Made of glass the way you see through me

He felt so transparent when the both of you talked. As if he was an opened book especially reserved for you. Though you thought your talent was nothing special, he found it to be an impressive accomplishment. He hadn’t opened up to anyone after the late passing of Sabitou, and his sister. Even so, there he was...with you. Telling you the littlest details which he hadn’t known he knew, and yet, it seemed that you knew more about him then he knew himself. 

So much that you could have elaborated his thoughts, memories, stories, and over all, read him to the bare of his soul. Understanding his feelings, along with his own mindset. Seeing as to why he acted a certain way, and the hurt that also tagged with the path of his choices. Though you hadn’t known him much, it seemed like you already knew him in and out. Which made him think: 

‘You know me better than I do’ and that he couldn’t seem to keep nothing from you.

In truth, Giyuu was scared. Scared that after revealing who he was, that something was bound to happen. Not to him, but to you. It seemed to be a cycle which he was stuck in. After letting someone in, they would make their way out...but in the utmost cruel, and gruesome of ways. Even so, when he attempted to let you go, you’d always come back. Re-entering his life as you wanted to know him more, and so did he want to know you. 

It made your interactions special, heartwarming, and even heart wrenching at times. All of those small, big, and silly moments which the both of you shared, brought him one step closer to you, and the gracious person you were. 

Over the years you had spent with Giyuu, you took note of who he was as a person. Not only that, but who he saw you were as an individual. You saw his efforts that came to play. Ones which were ever so considerate. Though he was timid and quiet at first, the more time you spent with him, not only did he open his mind, but his heart as well. 

I wanna love me (ooh) 

The way that you love me (ooh) 

Opening his arms to envelope you in the warmest of hugs, showing you how much he appreciated your talks, and showering you in the utmost affection. He truly did love you, and held you to the highest of his priority. Although there were times where you had doubted yourself, had disliked parts of you, or just weren’t having the best time with who you were, his actions would remind you of the self-worth you had. Not only that, but the love he also had. Love that was handmade, and tailored just for you. 

Ooh, for all of my pretty

And all of my ugly too

He adored you no matter what. From the days where your confidence had reached the roof, to the moments where it hadn’t so much, he made sure to show his appreciation. Cheering you up, or cheering you on, though not in the most loudest way, it was done the way he sought best. Knowing that it would lighten you up no matter what. He loved seeing a smile painted on your face. A structure with the softest, and pinkest lips, along with a majestic grin. One of which he had oozed over, and would smile with himself. 

Regarding arguments with you, no matter who came first after a fight, you both would make it up to each other. For him, personally, he would hold you in the moment. Letting you know that he was both sorry, and there for you. No matter what would had happened, and no matter what was yet to come. For all he knew, losing you was an option left in your hands, and knowing that, he did all he could to cling onto you. Knowing that you would do the same since that’s just who you were. 

A beautiful lady who would stand beside him, no matter thick or thin. You were there for him, ready to love him just as much as he adored you. Just one of the few things he admired about you. 

Ooh, 'cause nobody ever loved me like you do

It was true, nobody had ever loved you the way Giyuu had. Though your love wasn’t the most vocal, it was definitely the most precious. His perspective of you was one he held very dear to himself. He made it clear, and would continuously do so. 

All of that was seen from his actions alone. If his actions were that expressive, just imagine what his thoughts had held. Yes you were able to read him, but only Giyuu truly knew the way he thought...along with his affection for you. Knowing that sometimes made you think: 

‘I'd love to see me from your point of view.’

[alltooreid]

Dancing With Our Hands Tied

In order to keep Y/N safe from danger, Spencer vows to keep their relationship a complete secret from everyone they know. However, as their romance gets more serious, Y/N and Reid begin to realize that no matter how in love they are, they may have been doomed from the start.

A/N: Back at it with a hopefully very angsty fic! This is of course inspired by the Taylor Swift song, but you don’t need to be familiar with the song to read and enjoy! Also I made a playlist for this one shot, which you can find here (its best if you listen to it in order and of course you don’t have to listen as you read, but if you enjoy that kind of thing, I thought it would be fun). Additionally, in order for the timeline of this fic to make the most sense, I’m choosing to ignore the Lauren Reynolds subplot, because trying to incorporate it and explain it would be distracting and unnecessary in my opinion. Thanks for reading!

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem! Reader

Type: Angst

Word Count: 3.9K

Content Warnings: Some cursing, general fighting angst, discussion of pregnancy, brief mention of abortion (follow up is left intentionally ambiguous, based on your own desires and beliefs you are allowed to decide where that aspect goes (pro choice tings))

“I, I loved you in spite of Deep fears that the world would divide us So, baby, can we dance Oh, through an avalanche?”

Spencer Reid hated funerals. 

Somehow he felt he was always invited to one, and no matter how hard it was for him to be there, he always made every effort to go. So when Hotch had to plan Haley’s funeral, Spencer knew he had to go, no matter how much he would hate it.

He looked down to the grass as his supervisor cried over his now dead wife, the most emotion he had seen from him ever. He refused to look up and watch, although there were at least a hundred people there to mourn Haley, this moment felt innately private to Hotch. Spencer didn’t think it was his place for his eyes to intrude. 

So he stared at the lawn and got lost in his own mind.

Right then and there he realized he never wanted to go through what Hotch had to go through. No matter how many philosophers described love in the most beautiful, enchanting way, Spencer didn’t want it anymore. 

He didn’t want to go through a heartbreak, because how worth it could it be?

Of course, all information he had in his repertoire pointed to the claim that it was worth it. Yet he couldn’t pay attention to Oscar Wilde, trying to tell him that “hearts are made to be broken,” or E. A. Bucchianeri screaming that “grief is the price we pay for love.”

All he could see at that moment was the most stone-faced man he had ever known, breaking down in front of everyone he knew over the woman he loved. 

At that moment Spencer Reid vowed to completely give up on love. He would become the best profiler to ever live. People would compare him to Jason Gideon, but Spencer Reid would win every time. Spencer wouldn’t let himself be like Gideon and get so hung up over a person that he couldn’t ever work anymore.

So when Spencer left the funeral and went to bed that night, he was confident that he would sleep alone like that forever. It was comfortable like that and he was happy. Who needs to be in love?

Not Spencer Reid that’s for sure.

Well, until three months later, when Spencer Reid met Y/N Y/L/N. 

She was beautiful, and Spencer knew he wanted to get to know her the first time he laid eyes on her. 

But he was doing such a good job recently…. Even Hotch was impressed with his work ethic. The only one who had talked to him about his lack of emotion was Penelope, she seemed concerned when Spencer told her he didn’t want to meet let alone go on a date with the cute nerdy barista from her go to coffee shop. Spencer refused to reason with her, he was too focused on proving himself to Hotch and the rest of the team. 

Even though in the back of his mind, Spencer knew he had already proven himself to the rest of the team, now he just needed to be good enough for himself.

A truly impossible task.

But he was still trying to do it, so he didn’t talk to the barista at the new coffee shop he was trying.  

He wasn’t expecting her to try and talk to him. Maybe that’s why he was so willing to give up his own reasoning.  

“That’s a lot of sugar, sugar. Are you as sweet as your coffee?” she said, giggling as she did it. She knew the line was cheesy and stupid but she had been eyeing Spencer Reid since he came in and knew she needed to get his attention. Luckily, he couldn’t help but laugh.

Their first date was right then and there. They got distracted and talked till closing, Y/N’s coworkers noticing she was actually putting herself out there and deciding to pick up her slack so she could continue. 

“So are you going to call me Dr. Reid or were you just leading me on for 3 hours?”

“Of course I’ll call you, how else am I going to get you to watch Doctor Who?”

Y/N smiled, “Well I know this is kind of forward, but I have this art exhibit tomorrow, I would love to see you there. But don’t over think that! I’ve invited pretty much everyone I know. I have a bet to win amongst the other art students, whoever has the most people come to see them wins one of those giant Costco sheet cakes. I need that sheet cake Spencer.”

Spencer smiled, “Well, I am from Vegas . . . Maybe I could help push the odds in your favor.”

“Well I can’t wait to see you there. Tomorrow, 6 pm, I’ll text you the details.”

It was only when he laid down to sleep that Spencer remembered his philosophy on love, but strangely, he did not care. 

He may have been trying to freeze his heart, but Y/N was coming in with a blowtorch.

And he didn’t mind. In fact he unlocked the door to let her in.

So when he arrived at work the next morning, he fully intended on going to her art show. He thought about what flowers to bring her. . . was this a date? Was last night a date? Were roses too strong a message? He couldn’t do anything red, it was too forward. Pink? What if she saw it as stereotypical because she’s a woman, maybe she hates pink?! Yellow Tulips were safe, but if he got her yellow tulips then she would think they were just friends and Spencer didn’t want to be just friends.

His internal debate was interrupted by none other than Penelope Garcia, but not to interrupt their paperwork day with a case, but to make an announcement to the bullpen.

“Hello my loves! I have an interesting idea for some team bonding tonight, my favorite barista and dear friend has invited me to her school art show. Of course she needs the most support humanly possible, so you all need to come with me and look at cool art!”

“Who’s this friend of yours Penelope?” JJ asked.

“Oh Jayge you’ve met Y/N! She’s lovely and I’m sure an incredible artist. You guys will all love her!”

Suddenly Spencer remembered Hotch and his broken down faces at Haley’s funeral. He remembered his philosophy on love and his fear of heartbreak.

But he also remembered how alive he felt with Y/N. How the way she laughed like a little kid and how that made him feel giddy. He remembered how she was always so interested in what he had to say. He remembered that he really liked her.

And at that moment, Spencer realized that he did not have to choose between being in love and keeping his heart safe from the devastating heartbreak of seeing his true love die. He realized that the reaper could only find Haley because Hotch let people know they were together Because everyone knew of Hotch’s wife, she was in constant danger.

Maybe if he kept Y/N secret he could still be with her.

“Spencer! Did you hear me?”

“No, um sorry Garcia what did you say?”

“I asked if you were going to come to Y/N’s art show, you know you too would make such a cute couple! You should totally come.”

“I actually can’t, I’m not feeling well.”

She sighed, “That’s what you said last time I tried to get you two together 187 . . . Do you want to talk about anything Spencer? You haven’t been yourself lately.”

“I’m fine, I just have a headache. I don’t want to go out tonight.”

She rested her hand on his shoulder for a second, before following Morgan to the kitchen. Spencer knew she was going to say something to him, but he didn’t care. He had found the perfect solution to his conundrum.

And he knew exactly what flowers to send to Y/N.

Y/N texted him thirteen times, and waited an extra hour after the open house closed in case he showed. So although she went home empty handed, one person away from enough cake to feed fifty, she received a call from Spencer Reid.

“Hey, where were you tonight? I was looking forward to seeing you.”

“I’m sorry Y/N, something came up, but I have something for you! Are you still there?”

“Oh no, I just got to my apartment. I can send you the address.”

“I’ll be over as soon as I can.”

And five minutes later Spencer was at Y/N’s door, with Chinese take out and white peonies, a flower known for its apologetic symbolism.

Y/N blushed, “You didn’t have to bring me flowers Spencer . . .”

“Well I wanted to bring some to your show, but I figured this could be the next best thing . . . And maybe we could eat some of your Costco sheet cake afterwards. Sounds like a balanced meal to me.”

“Although I love that idea, I unfortunately came home tonight sheet cake-less.”

Reid frowned, “How close were you? Would I have made any difference?”

“Oh no!” Y/N lied, “I was way off, don’t even worry about it.” She smiled, “I’m just excited that you're here right now.”

Spencer blushed and looked down at his feet, “Well I’m excited to be here.”

Four months after that night, Y/N asked Spencer a seemingly stupid question while they were eating take out at her apartment. “Spencer, I love takeout and all but we haven’t gone out in public together since the first time we met. . . Call me stupid but I’m starting to wonder if you don’t want to be seen with me.”

Spencer sighed, “Y/N, it’s not that it’s just . . . complicated.”

“I just don’t get it. Am I the second woman or something?”

“No! Absolutely not! You are my one and only flower,” he said, smiling and then leaning in to kiss her nose. She giggled in response, but quickly remembered the serious nature of their conversation. “Y/N, you know what I do for a living.”

“I don’t understand what that has to do with anything.”

“Not too long ago, my boss was targeted by a serial killer who made it his mission to make his life miserable. In doing so he killed his wife. I just . . .  I don’t want that to happen to you Y/N. I think I’m falling in love with you, and I can’t put you through that.”

“Spencer . . . I love you too.”

So no matter how badly Y/N wanted to tell her family, or update her Facebook status, she respected Spencer, and although she didn’t completely understand his concerns, she wanted him to be happy.

So she spent ten more months like that, catering to Spencer Reid’s peace of mind. Pretending to smile as he told her stories of all the funny things his team members did, all about their partners, and their love lives.

A couple times now, Y/N asked Spencer if she could meet them, but Spencer always shot it down. When he first mentioned the idea of keeping their relationship a secret, Y/N had secretly hoped it would be one of those things that was forgotten about within a week or two. But no. It had been many, many weeks, and Spencer still didn’t want to be seen in public with her.

And by now that was all she wanted. To go on a real date, to introduce him to her friends, to actually be able to tell her coworkers that something did come from that guy she hit it off with.

Everyday, Y/N felt she did the same exact thing, she went to work, would come home and if Spencer was still in Quantico, she would convince him to come over. (They had been dating for over a year now, and Y/N had never been to his apartment. She didn’t even know where it was). If Spencer did come over, he would usually bring some kind of dessert with him, and they would talk and be merry in their own little secret oasis. A couple weeks ago, Y/N started to get this uncomfortable, uneasy feeling that encompassed her whole body, her whole being. Every part of her was trying to tell her that Spencer Reid was not the man for her. And even though she was still very much in love with him, she agreed.

Although she loved Spencer for the person he was, the man who brought her every different flavor of cheesecake from the bakery across town (one a day for fifty nine days straight), the man who begged her to make him a painting for valentines day instead of buying him a present, the man who cried when she did and laughed when she did and-

There were a lot of things to love about Spencer Reid, but there were a lot of things to hate about their relationship.

She hated the time she bought a gold locket in the shape of a heart, and put a picture of them in it so she could keep him with her all day long, and he made her return it because it could fly open and someone could recognize him. She hated the day she came home with a little beige kitten named Betsy and Spencer made her give Betsy to her sister so that he wouldn’t get cat hair on his clothes and have to answer a million questions. She hated the time Spencer missed her birthday weekend because he had a case and couldn’t give an excuse to why he couldn’t go. She hated that Spencer was her entire life, while she seemed like just an inconvenience to his.

And most of all, she hated that she loved him so much. Because deep down she knew that she could never leave Spencer Reid, but she also knew that there was no way they could last if nothing changed.

Just then Spencer knocked on her door, she had offered him his own key many times, but he declined because he didn’t want anyone to see it on his key ring and ask what it was for. She let him in, and right away his fun perky smile dropped. “You’ve been crying. I can tell.”

“Is that the kind of thing they teach you in FBI school?”

“Yes actually, but that’s not the point,” he said, dropping his bouquet of red chrysanthemums on Y/N’s coffee table and grabbing one of her hands with both of his. “Talk to me Y/N.”

She sighed, “I love you Spencer, but I just don’t know if we can do this anymore.”

“What do you mean flower?”

“Spencer we’ve been together for over a year-”

“One year, two months and five days,” he corrected.

“Yes, yes that. We’ve been together for one year, two months and five days but no one except us knows that.”

“Y/N I thought you were okay with that, I just want you to be safe.”

“I thought I was okay with it but,” she paused, afraid of what she wanted to say, “I’m not Spencer, I don’t want to live like this anymore. I love you, and I want to be with you. To really be with you. What happens if we ever get married, do we have to get eloped, would you even let us get married because you need someone else to watch? When do I get to tell my mom I’m in a relationship? What if you get hurt out in the field, and no one has heard of me, let alone knows to call me, and we never get to say goodbye? How far do you plan on taking this?”

Spencer grew flustered, “Um, I- I don’t know? I didn’t know you were even thinking about those things.”

“Do you think about those things? Things like getting married?”

“You’re the love of my life Y/N, of course I do.”

“Well then something needs to change. We can’t live like this anymore.”

“Things will get better Y/N, I promise you, we’ll start small but I’m going to make this better for you. Actually, um we can start right now,” he started digging through his messenger bag. After a minute, he pulled out a smaller gold heart locket than the one you had originally purchased for yourself. “I, um I was going to give it to you for your birthday, but I feel like now is the best time. I couldn’t find the same one, but it’s the same picture inside.”

She teared up, “I love it. It’s perfect. Here, put it on me.” She turned around and pushed her hair to one side so that Spencer could clasp the delicate chain around her neck.

They kissed, and afterward Spencer spoke, “I hate to ruin this moment, but I’ve had to use the bathroom ever since I got here.”

Y/N laughed, “Ok go, I’ll be waiting.”

While waiting for her love to come back, Y/N admired her flowers. Ever since Spencer began to get her different flowers to symbolize different things she had developed an abnormal botany fascination. She would always beat Spencer to explaining the symbolism of her latest bouquet, so she already knew the red chrysanthemum was a symbol of prosperous, passionate love in most countries. However she also knew that in Italy, chrysanthemums were a death flower, given only at funerals.

Part of her couldn’t help but wonder if some unconscious part of Spencer’s genius brain was beginning to feel the same way she did. Three weeks later nothing much had changed in the state of Y/N and Spencer’s romance. She was still unheard of in the eyes of the BAU and two nights prior Spencer had stopped her from calling her mother to tell her about him.

And then Y/N discovered her sick, uneasy, all over body feeling was not just her incredible intuition.

She was pregnant.

She had taken a couple of tests a while prior and could just now get into the doctor to get it confirmed. But it was official. She was pregnant.

As soon as the nurse confirmed it she broke down crying. And when she asked her a couple more questions, she broke down even further. “Are you currently in a relationship?”

“No,” she sniffed.

“Do you know who the father is?”

“I don’t know,” she sobbed.

“Sweetheart, I don’t know where you want to go from here, but there’s a lot more options that you may think. Everything will be okay.”

Y/N still cried the whole way home.

She spent the rest of the day thinking about how to tell Spencer, and then overthinking what he would say.

She knew Spencer loved children, but he couldn’t even manage to tell people she existed, how was he going to explain a long term relationship and a baby?

It would have taken decades for Y/N to prepare to deliver this news, but Spencer showed up at 8:19 pm.

“Hi flower! How are you today?”

“I’m pregnant.” She blurted out, she was not planning to do it exactly like that, but she panicked.

“What?”

“I’m pregnant Spencer.”

He sighed and ran one of his hands through his hair, “You could get an abortion?”

Y/N lost it. “Are you kidding me? Are you fucking kidding me Spencer?”

“I don’t think a baby is going to be very easy to keep a secret Y/N.”

“Is this how far you’re willing to go Spencer? You want to keep me hidden so bad that you want me to get an abortion? Are you insane?”

“You’re right, Y/N, I’m sorry, we’ll figure something out.”

“No, you’re wrong there Spencer. I’ll figure something out.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I can’t do this anymore. I’m done. I love you but, please just get out of my apartment.”

“Y/N please don’t do this, I love you, we can make this work. I know I haven’t been doing the best job for these three weeks, but just give me a little time and I promise we can do this.”

Y/N wiped tears from her eyes, then reached her thumb up to Spencer’s face, wiping his cheek. “Spencer, it’s not a matter of how much I love you or you love me. Sometimes, things just aren’t made to work out. We gave it a good run, but no matter how hard we love each other, I don’t think either of us is happy.”

“But I don’t know how to live in a world without you in it, flower.”

“I’ve never been in your world Spencer, after tonight, nothing in your life will drastically change. You don’t have to worry about living in a universe without me because you’ve already been doing that for 15 months.”

“Please don’t do this, can we just give it another try?”

Y/N wrapped her arms around him, “That’s all we’ve been doing.”

The couple stayed in silence like that for a couple of minutes before Spencer spoke. “Can we just stay here for one night. I can’t believe I never got to do it.” Spencer had never spent the full night at Y/N’s place because he always worried that he would forget to answer his phone and the team would try to come to his apartment to tell him they had a case.

“You know we can’t do that Spencer,” she sighed, knowing she had to stay strong and act on her own best interest, but she also loved Spencer. “But you can stay here, if you want.”

He thought for a moment. “Okay, um do I need that key you always offered me? To lock up when I leave?”

“No, the front door locks automatically when you close it, you just have to make sure you have everything before you go.”

And so Spencer slept in Y/N’s bed, for the first time, without her in it.

And Y/N called the one person she knew Spencer would never try to track her down to to avoid exposing himself.

Penelope Garcia.

She of course let Y/N stay with her for the night, and although she would eventually, Garcia did not pry when Y/N said she didn’t want to talk about what was going on. So Y/N walked to her apartment with peace of mind, she knew that although she had a lot to think about, for the time being everything was going to be just fine.

On the way to Penelope’s apartment, Y/N saw a flower vendor. She couldn’t help but stop by and pick up a bouquet for Penelope, but more so for the symbolic meaning.

Daffodils and daisies.

The flowers of new beginnings.

“I'd kiss you as the lights went out Swaying as the room burned down I'd hold you as the water rushes in If I could dance with you again”

- Thank you for reading! Please reblog and let me know what you think :))

holly’s tiny taglist: @reidingmelodies​ @hercleverboy​

[ohmyasmodeus]

𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘳𝘵 𝘥𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘯 𝘣𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴 + 𝘥𝘪𝘢𝘷𝘰𝘭𝘰 ✩

i miss concerts bro... i’ve been watching the 1975′s and bring me the horizon’s 😭 you know the demon brothers would be so fun to attend concerts with. it’s been so long since my last non-request post, so enjoy ! ♡

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

♡ 𝘣𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘻𝘦𝘣𝘶𝘣

✧   Beel in a comfortable tank top with his muscles on display, carrying you on his shoulders during a music festival? What more could you want?

✧   It isn’t the festival food that gets to Beel; it’s the overwhelming amount of drinks offered by the vendors. The alcoholic slushies, the sweet drinks that taste like candy but will knock you on your ass as soon as you drink them, the bitter jelly shots that make him cringe and look at you with the biggest puppy eyes— he wants them all! The two of you are absolutely wasted before the day is half over, and he ends up just making out with you in the middle of the crowd as you dance to a set, mumbling about how good your lips taste.

✧   Beel protects you during the different sets, muscling away anyone who gets too close to you. He’s just a sweetheart who always asks you if you’re okay, and carries you on his shoulders if being in the pit gets too much for you. He can easily hold you like that for the rest of the sets, and you’ll feel him jumping about here and there and cheering loudly when the music really gets to him.

✧   Without hesitation, he squares the fuck up with anyone that comes onto you or tries to touch you. Your comfort is Beel’s biggest priority, but when it comes to dealing with girls that flirt with him or try to grind on him in crowds, he ends up running back to you to hide! He can’t deal with the attention at all, nobody can ever hear him above the music and you make him feel safe.

♡ 𝘢𝘴𝘮𝘰𝘥𝘦𝘶𝘴

✧   Before you even get a chance to leave the house, he’s taking a million photos of the both of you in your concert outfits because by god, do you look absolutely delicious. He’s going to be all over you in the car, pressing sweet kisses to your face on the way to the venue because he’s so damn proud to call you his baby. Rest assured, the night will be well documented. Asmo’s Devilgram followers need to know what they’re missing out on!

✧   Asmodeus is the absolute master of throwing it back. He’ll be throwing it back before the band gets halfway through the introductory song, glancing back at you to wink teasingly as he starts grinding. You have to make sure everyone else keeps their hands off him, because you’re just as proud to have him all over you. It’s the best when the both of you dance together, shrieking the lyrics at the top of your lungs.

✧   When he gets into the music, he’s squealing for the artists, clutching your hand as the both of you jump along with the crowd. Asmodeus looks absolutely radiant as the lights filter through the fog, even when he’s holding his phone up to record the concert. It makes you grab his phone to stash it away in your bag, and before he starts to whine, you pull him into a kiss and tell him to focus on being in the moment with you!

✧   The afterparty is an absolute must. Asmo knows everyone important, and he’ll sneak you into the exclusive afterparties to give you a taste of what stardom is like. Even if he usually flits around like the social butterfly that he is, tonight is all about making you feel like a star with the way he kisses you and makes everyone know that you’re his, the way he brings you drinks and makes sure you’re right beside him when everyone starts doing shots because he loves tasting the alcohol off your lips more than drinking it.

♡ 𝘮𝘢𝘮𝘮𝘰𝘯

✧   Mammon is hyped. There’s nothing better than doing one of his favourite things with his favourite human, and the entire time he’ll be clinging to you, screaming to the lyrics of his favourite songs. He shields you in the crowd, putting his jacket over you to make sure you’re comfortable (and because he wants to show off how he looks in his tank top).

✧   The music and atmosphere completely gets rid of his shyness. Mammon isn’t afraid to press himself up against your front even if the pair of you are up at the barricade, grinning like he’s won the lottery before he pulls you in to kiss you hard. It’s dizzying, the combination of Mammon’s cologne, and the feeling of the crowd pulsing around you, pressing the both of you closer against each other.

✧   Drinking. So much drinking, because Mammon definitely knows how to sneak alcohol into a venue. He’s taking swigs before pulling you into a kiss to share. The way he tries to avoid getting in trouble with security makes you clutch at the front of his shirt as the both of you laugh in exhilaration.

✧   During the slow songs, he surprises you with just how romantic he can be. It’s as if a switch got flipped— the way he holds you is so tender, and he runs his hands up and down your sides slowly while singing along, pressing his forehead against yours with a smile. Mammon loves sharing moments like these with you, he absolutely adores having you by his side, and he can’t help but lean in and laugh about how this feels so fucking perfect. God, does he love you.

♡ 𝘭𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯

✧   Levi is the best brother to go for concerts with. Being experienced with his idol’s concerts, the date and preparation for it would be a breeze, although he gets adorably shaky when he remembers that he’s going on a date with you. You’re way more important than any idol of his.

✧   His excitement makes him so adorable. He can’t stop himself from chattering on while you’re waiting in line, and brings plenty of snacks and drinks for you two to gorge yourselves on while cuddling. Levi has a perpetual faint blush when he’s around you, especially when you geek out with him, or sit in his lap while in the queue.

✧   To get you the best spots, he’ll sacrifice himself to help you squeeze into tight spots, though you never let him. Tugging on his hand, you pull him along too. The both of you end up pressed up against each each other in the middle of the crowd, giggling while the lights flash and the beat of the drums makes you bounce together. You two might as well be the only ones in the crowd, nuzzling your faces together before you kiss one of his blushing cheeks with a grin.

✧   Music speaks to Leviathan. It gives him that rush of adrenaline, the chills that go down your arms and make you laugh, and experiencing music like this with you is like nothing he’s ever experienced before. Fuelled by the adrenaline, he gains enough confidence to pull you into a clumsy kiss that has the both of you clutching at each other as your giggles turn into full-chested laughter. It’ll be over before you know it, but the both of you want to stay in this moment forever.

♡ 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘱𝘩𝘦𝘨𝘰𝘳

✧   Oh, boy, concerts are just not the environment for him. The sounds, the lights, the way everyone clings to each other in a sweaty, loud mess. But all it takes is one puppy-eyed look from you and his defences are breaking down. Belphie can’t help but agree, as long as he approves of your band of choice and it takes place somewhere lowkey.

✧   You’re disappointed at first— but you definitely can’t feel that way anymore when you end up cuddled into his side in a comfortable loveseat at a dive bar. The music stays mellow but the crowd is as upbeat as ever, and you can’t care less about not being able to see the band through the crowd. Not when Belphegor pulls you close and guides you to rest your head on his chest.

✧   As mellow as the music is, it’s intoxicating, and so is Belphie. You spend your time making out slowly while the night passes, tasting the alcohol on his tongue as he combs a hand through your hair. You don’t know if it’s the smoke in the air or Belphie’s hands in your hair that make your mind hazy, but either way, you want the moment to last forever. You’re basically putty in his hands, and it makes him smirk lazily as he boops your nose and teases you about being so needy, and out in front of everyone, no less. Are you trying to stake your claim?

✧   Though it’s in his nature to be lazy, you can’t help but pull Belphie up to dance at least once. He gives in without much of a fight, the corners of his lips slightly upturned as he watches you dance along to the music. He’s joining in easily, resting his hands on your hips to grind against you slowly. He can’t help but eventually spin you around to kiss your forehead and mumble that he thinks he’s found his new favourite thing.

♡ 𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘢𝘯

✧   You’d think that he’s the kind to be hesitant about attending concerts since he’s such a bookish guy, with the packed venue and the blinding lights and the sweaty crowd— but Satan fucking loves concerts. He loves screaming the lyrics and being able to shove his way through the mosh pit. Although, he has to admit that it’s a double edged sword. The aspects of concerts that he loves can irritate him as well, he abhors having people shriek in his ear or push him around.

✧   Music is another form of poetry for him, heaven in the form of passionate lyrics and the pure energy of the people around him. He never tells anyone though. He never thought he would, until you came along.

✧   The first time you attend a concert with him, he tries to tone himself down. That is, until you notice his energy and tug at his hand to encourage him to scream along to the lyrics with you. He’s losing himself in the music, tugging you close, heart racing because you just get him. You encourage him, you see him for who he truly is, and he couldn’t be more in love with you or this moment.

✧   Throw it back. Just throw it back, it doesn’t matter what music you two are dancing to because it has Satan going crazy for you. He presses himself up against your back as you straighten up, hands firm on your hips as he whispers in your ear about how irresistible you are. If you’re not careful, he might end up sneaking you out of the concert venue, eager to use his pent up energy elsewhere with you.

♡ 𝘭𝘶𝘤𝘪𝘧𝘦𝘳

✧   Like Belphie, Lucifer isn’t a fan of concerts or the environment it creates. Being an appreciator of the arts, he mostly attends orchestral performances and operas, so you take it as a great opportunity to open his mind to a side of music that he hasn’t experienced before! Like with most things, it takes a few kisses to coax him into agreement.

✧   He can’t complain when he ends up settled into luxurious seats with you in The Fall. He chuckles to himself as the band starts to play, shaking his head before kissing you and saying that it’s like you know him better than he does himself. The comfortable atmosphere makes Lucifer relax much more than usual, and as cordial as he is with affection in public, he can’t help but put an arm around the back of your seat and lean into you.

✧   Throughout the night, you catch Lucifer gazing at you from time to time. As much as he enjoys the music and the way the set’s lighting makes you look almost ethereal… he’s much more focused on admiring the way your wine-stained lips look as you smile. Full of dark desire, Lucifer’s crimson gaze makes your breath hitch in your throat as you lean into him. Whether you decide to tease him about it is up to you.

✧   When you finally manage to drag him out to dance with the crowd, instead of carrying you on his shoulders, he makes you wrap your legs around his waist while he carries you up, laughing as he looks up at you and marvels at how gorgeous you look. Without hesitation, you lean down to capture his lips in a kiss. Even Lucifer can’t escape the high spirits of the people around you, and the electrifying rush of adrenaline of being here, making memories with the person his heart belongs to.

♡ 𝙙𝙞𝙖𝙫𝙤𝙡𝙤

✧   Diavolo honestly doesn’t have much free time to have fun, so he’s absolutely delighted at the idea of a concert. He’s immediately struck by thoughts of how romantic he could make it, and spends his time daydreaming about hoisting you on his shoulders and spinning you around when he’s meant to be doing work. He looks forward to it so much, seeing you again is always the thing he’s looking forward to the most at any given time. He’s totally the kind of person to try and predict the setlist and listen to all the songs to make sure he can sing along during the performance.

✧   Even if he has the money for seated tickets, Diavolo wants to be in the pit. He wants to be able to dance with you, hoisting you onto his shoulders as the both of you sway to the music. Diavolo is one first starting different cheers, and everyone seems to follow along naturally. It makes you laugh and kiss his head, because even in a concert, the prince of hell itself is still so natural at leading.

✧   Being at a concert with you is the most free he’s felt in thousands of years. It makes him completely forget about his title, laughing with you as he drags you to the front barricade to get the best view and scream to the band, carrying you no matter if it’s against the venue rules. If Diavolo is going to let his hair down, he might as well go big or go home. He wonders just how many stupid stunts he can get away with helping you pull. He helps you stand on the barricade, letting you scream your heart out, because he adores you with his whole heart.

✧   By the end of the night, the both of you are running from security with your ten solo cups stacked into one another, buzzing from the mix of adrenaline and alcohol. The stupid grin Diavolo has on his face as he scoops you up while you run makes you shriek with laughter, and he’ll hide you away in a quiet alley, silencing you with a kiss.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* 　　 *:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧

[herstarburststories]

tolerate it

Pairing: Dean Winchester x reader

Summary: your love for Dean used to be celebrated, but now he tolerates it.

A/N: here it is, hunters! First fic of the year, wow! I hope you guys like it! Based on Taylor's song tolerate it. Also requested by @ashleyygeza!

Warnings: so much angst, language, smut

There was this thing you always liked to do. It was mostly the learned behavior of a child that grew up in motel rooms. It was usual for the adult that called a bunker her home, too. You’d lay on your back, staring at the light on the ceiling and squint your eyes to the point the glimmering white light could be mistaken as the moon. You never thought you’d end up doing that to people as well.

It used to be something so sensual and sequin back then, but now the fact that he's so much older and wiser only makes you quiet. You see his bruised hands and worried glances; the stubble on his face growing as his sense of self starts to fade with borrowed time. Dean used to love you in screaming colors; now he just sits in silence reading with his head low, researching the next case under the dim light while you watch him. Sam can't seem to stand slow deaths either -- he just clears his throat and leaves the bunker with the empty excuse of a supply run. 

Still, you remain here. You stand still like a good ornament in Dean's collection of lovers. It seems like it's a matter of time until he leaves you too. Yet, you’re sitting and watching him, and you can't help but wonder if you aren't just another wrinkle on his face. You’d been a memory of something worth dying for, once, but now you were starting to believe you were just another battle scar; marred skin that had spent so long settling that he didn’t even notice the scarification anymore. 

Hours pass as quickly and emotionally draining as dry heaving. His huffs of annoyance and thirsty fingers of whiskey were difficult to ignore. The eldest Winchester doesn’t dare to approach you; to throw those dust-collecting books away and make love to you with dumbfounded grins and breathless groans like he had done so many times before. That was when you were a complete person and not just the husk of a lover destroyed. Once you held the strength of Jeanne d'Arc, now you sit and wait for a man to love you back. You’d be disgusted by your weakness if you had any pity left to spare.

If you look at someone too much you can confuse it with love. And if you already love someone and keep looking, you might waste all the rose-colored visions love could create. Maybe that's what happened to Dean. It’s a treacherous game, and it seems like he’s winning. Perhaps it’s your fault, your snide mind speculates against your will. You should try harder.

You don’t miss Dean’s hidden sigh of relief when the door makes a noise, announcing Sam’s return. How could you? You notice everything he does or doesn't do. At first, you fantasized that, even if it started getting messy before, he was pushing you away because of the whole fighting God problem, now you aren’t so sure. The clues were all over the place when Chuck was gone. Dean smiled at Sammy as if there was no tomorrow and said we’re finally free without sparing a glance at you. When they-- when he started building other worlds, where were you? That long-fraught, battle-ridden past of the Winchesters might be gone, but the more you try to turn the page, the more they stick to each other.

‘’Sammy,” his gruff voice says. It is the first word in hours that wasn’t half-hearted mumbles agreeing with your occasional comments or the tuneful hum of a classic rock song between reading and drinking. ‘’Did you bring any bacon?’’

‘’Yeah, but they need cooking--’’ Sam interrupts his brother, already familiar with this conversation. Dean’s half-open mouth and wiggling brows meant one thing. He was such a kid sometimes. ‘’And no. I’m not frying this cardiac embolism waiting to happen for you, dude.’’

You get up, aiming a smile at the long-haired hunter. ‘’Don’t worry, I can cook it. I was gonna make some pasta anyway.’’

Sam slightly nods before tilting his head towards you. ‘’You sure?’’

‘’Yeah. My butt’s already sore from the research. Those chairs aren’t that comfortable.’’ You scrunched up your nose with a good-humored grimace. 

‘’Okay, thanks.’’ You nod, throwing a last glance at Dean, who barely moved since you got in the conversation. You turn around, walking to the kitchen when Sam’s voice reverberated through. Deciding to overhear against all your sense of privacy, like a schoolgirl in the bathroom, you lean against the wall. You can’t believe the point you got to at those moments, but the answer to the question Sam asks may be the solution for your personal tophet. ‘’What’s up with you?’’

Dean doesn’t seem phased by his brother’s prodding. ‘’What do you mean?’’

Sam arches his eyebrows. ‘’No butt jokes?’’

At least you aren’t going crazy here. Even Sammy noticed something peculiar about Dean and you. There had to be an explanation or reason.; something broken that you could fix.

‘’I’m a grown-ass man, Sam.’’ He scoffs as you heard the chair being pushed. You nibble on your bottom lip, catching your breath as they continue.

‘’Yeah, sure,” the younger man snaps sarcastically. Dean rolls his eyes. ‘’Actually researching when I leave you two alone? Come on, Dean. Did you guys argue or something?’’

‘’We are just fine.’’ His boots scuffing against the wood floor makes a well-known melody, just like Sam’s loud sigh. You know him; he thinks this his brother’s way to avoid the subject and run away. You can’t say you don’t agree with that.

‘’Dean…’’

“I’m gonna take a shower. I spent two hours reading. I gotta get ready for my bacon.’’ It is a simple answer that made your heart spin like a girl in a brand new dress. You had the sudden realization that at least he spent those hours with you, right? Deadly in his quietude, but he was there. Women always are excellent at convincing themselves that crumbs are a whole meal. Therefore, convince yourself this is enough.

You hear the creaking under his strong, heavy steps as he leaves, and a couple more from Sam as well. Ultimately, you turn around, clapping your hands together as you glare at the food still waiting to be made. You give yourself a comforting smile as you speak: ‘’Time to get to work.’’

Then you go. You pace around the kitchen, preparing the lunch with everything you have. Make it perfect, make it delicious. Fuck, even make it deluxe with pre-made bacon and vegan pasta on a Tuesday afternoon. It’s so silly how you make such a lavish effort with the smallest things only to maybe catch a glimpse of his attention. As if Dean would see, truly look at you again. You gave him the best you had, and when you ran out of that, you gave him what was left too. 

The pasta is smelling good. You two used to be each other's better halves, but since the coin had been tossed, you are now each other’s worst reflections. He’s your coldness; the gelid nature that was so useful as a weapon to hurt those who came before him. The ignorance, the lack of care for the ones who claimed to cherish you with their ripped out chests and open hands. You can see you in the way he moved, told white lies and walked away. All the most brutal aspects that your soul built through the years. You almost burn your hand, but at least it isn’t his bacon. And in you, you hold all Dean hated in himself lately. The clingy behavior, always urging to serve and make someone else happy. So needy for a gentle touch, one single proof that his lurking was wrong and he was worthy, that he could be loved someday if he just tried hard enough. Desperate in earge for aprovation, just like you grabbing the Men Of Letters’ sumptuous tapestry and the elegant candle holder, laying the table with the fancy shit.

‘’Wow.’’ Sam says once he arrives in the dining room. Dean refrains his reaction to arching his eyebrows in an unspoken question: what the fuck is happening there?

‘’Is the queen visiting us or somethin’?’’ You catch the pissed off glare that Sammy gives him, yet the older Winchester just shrugs. His little brother had the same eyes as him in many aspects, he had to agree that all those snobby objects were too much.

Unbothered, too used to his butch nature, you chortle. ‘’I just thought we deserved some nice things tonight.’’

Dean hums before adding: ‘’As long as there’s bacon.’’

Sam praises how good the sauce you made tastes. Of course, Dean just nods and agrees with a grumble, not even taking a second glance at you. He doesn’t notice that you are watching him, neither does he compliment your cooking. You never get the reaction you expect from him. Not a thank you, or a true smile, or even a drop of love in the saliva of his kiss, but you keep trying. Just like he tried to make daddy proud for so long. You both should know that's not how it works, but who can argue with a broken child mosaic in an adult damaged heart?

The green eyed man purposely sets the scene in a manner that his brother would be between the two of you. And yes, you manage to double cross this signal and sit down on another chair by his side. Although, when your elbows accidently meet during the homemade feast, Dean doesn’t look at you with the lopsided grin that you love so much. He doesn’t lean in to steal a kiss. Instead, he moves to the side discreetly. You were the roots of hope once, the one who could grow inside him and wrap around his organs for some relief of the hematoma and blood. The Winchester held the arm that pulled you closer and made sure you would stay. But he no longer touches you and the plants died of thirst and you are still here. In these moments, your trick mind asks: why are you still here? You can’t answer.

The lunch goes by filled with your and Sam’s chatter, Dean’s loud chewing and Miracle’s ocasional barks until there’s no food or reasoning to postpone staying together. All the three of you raise up, adamantly ignoring the strange atmosphere. 

‘’We’re leaving in an hour.’’ It’s all Dean says before leaving the room. Sammy dares to squeeze your shoulder softly before following his older brother’s path. With a suspire, you collect all the plates and lead to the kitchen again, starting to put the 60 minutes to good use. Polish plates until they gleam and glisten, maybe Dean will sneak in and wrap his arms around you, press a kiss to your neck and tell you to go to bed, that he will take care of the dishes. He used to do that. This was then and this is now. It’s easy to get lost in the tangles of time.

Of course he doesn’t. Though the hunter shows up with a bag and shouts from the living room for you to hurry up, so you do. Sleeping in the backseat of Baby through the streets of the United States, you wake up with Sam gently shaking your shoulder. Dean is already inside the restaurant. You try not to think too much about it, he could’ve been needing to hit the bathroom or something. As you and the youngest Winchester enter the establishment, four trained eyes fall on your boyfriend and the waitress, who’s clearly leaning forward to make her cleavage more evident. You two pace towards the table just in time to hear the end of their conversation. 

‘’Call me if you need anything.’’ The name tag says that the brunette is called Andressa. She's tall, tan and beautiful, smiling in a way that you never can never conquer. You miss having that confidence, how you’d walk in a room and be sure people would stop and stare. Remember when you used to be like that?

‘’Betcha.’’ He gives her a lopsided grin, the one that used to be directed to you. Andressa winks at him and leaves, swapping her hips in the most seductive way, which catches Dean's eyes like it's the whole Aurora Boreal and not just a woman's ass.

‘’Nice shirt, yeah?’’ You take his indiscretions all in good fun. Dean, though, takes a deep breath and wipes his face, as if he's the one with the right to be annoyed in this situation. It's so stupid how you keep making yourself smaller to fit in whatever expection is comfortable for him. At some point you'll disappear-- but hey, no body no crime. You attempted to explain yourself, ‘’I was just kidding.’’

He tightens his mouth into a thin line. ‘’I know.’’

‘’I saw one on Shein.’’

‘’Come on, Y/N.’’ The green eyed hunter scoffed. ‘’That’s like, Belladonna’s boobs sort of thing.’’

It’s so stupid how his opinons can change your whole weekend, as if your emotions were some sort of board game that Dean played by his own rules. You hang your head low, playing with the menu. You can ‘’Yeah, you’re right. It was dumb.’’

‘’That’s not what I---’’ He stopped himself with a deep inhale. Why did it seem easier for him to criticize than compliment you? You are using your best colors for his portrait of stares, yet all you gain are vacant side eyes. That man killed for you, and now every second by your side seemed to be murdering him. ‘’You’d look good on it.’’

You decide not to go on the next hunt, give both of you a break from the grey skies that always seem to suppress you and Dean. What if you two just need time apart? You live together, work together, and even have the same group of friends. Putting the whole monsters and multiple deaths aside, it was pretty much like a normal relationship. You must just need some time alone to miss each other. So you start going on less and less hunts. God, past you’d hate that scared little girl act, begging to be seen like a shiny toy.

Your cell phone buzzes, causing a smile besides the burning anticipation building up in your veins, crawling under your skin like a million little stars, or bugs. It depends on how you choose the perspective, no surprise you’d go for the romantic one. Well, it's a text from Dean. Plaid and crude: getting home in ten minutes. Why’d you be unpleasantly anxious about that? He’s your boyfriend and he’s coming home after a week! Your fingers dance around the keyboard before answering a sweet waiting for you, with a couple hearts in the byline.

You get his favorite burger and a whiskey older than you in the Deancave, which is settled up with a three hours marathon of Scooby-Doo. It was always so adorable when Dean and you made bets to see who’d guess the episode villain first. Even his hot dog pants and his robe are on the armchair. As for you, you are waiting by the door like you’re just a kid, in a vat to greet him with a battle’s hero welcome. One, two, three, minutes piling up as uncountable as the hidden tears that you cry each week in after the city’s asleep. Let’s be fair, you should’ve seen this coming from a mile away. What was the last time Dean accomplished something he promised to you? He doesn’t even reply to your text message asking if he was okay. Minutes trapped into hours, and you’re sitting with your back to the wall, right next to the door he should have burst out long ago. Time’s ticking, your mind is so tired and your body is sore; it’s exhausting to love someone like this, so you take a rest when sleep wins your hopeful, unclever thoughts.

Dean arrives one hour later, an oral scarlet letter on his tongue that tastes like beer and unregrettable priorities, an apologist expression accompanied of a very grumpy-ish Sam as the door is pushed open. The short haired hunter purses his plump lips at the sad sight; you sleeping on the floor next to the door, probably waiting for him. Maybe he should've answered your text earlier and not just rolled his eyes and ordered another drink. What a suburban mistake for a Winchester.

Dean doesn't turn around to face Sammy; his brother made his opinion on that matter very clear during their roadtrip. Instead, his aching body just leans in and picks you up bridal style — that would've made him smile in the gentlest way his blood-stained mouth and sharp teeth could, eye dipping with joy and a silent promise for the future, but now that only gets a stoic expression as he walks towards your shared room. 

He dares to sigh. There you go, taking too much space and time. This might be a deceiving concept dappled with melancholic nostalgia, but to take space and time wasn’t a trouble before. Dean once worshiped the light-hearted emotion you could bring out his inner little monster - or his soul, whatever you wanna name it. The time wrapped around your finger as he was, and things were just good. Raw good. Yet, now he sees it; time’s always running, and so is him. It’s no surprise the heart he was holding fell and was left behind at some point of the race.

The hunter bumps on the door with his shoulder, leading inside the bedroom and placing you on the mattress. Your body can’t help but to cling to him as you mumble in your sleep; maybe it’s your fond memory, used to Dean’s body seeking some human contact only in the middle night.

Clicking his tongue, he pulls away. The movement is docile, just enough to wake you up. Dean can’t help but to groan at this.

‘’You came back.’’ You murmur, while Dean adjusts on the spot next to you in bed.

Arching his eyebrows with some comedic background, he answers: ‘’Of course I did. I live here.’’

Live. You wouldn’t call what he does living. More like a ghost hunting his old house when you are around. Or maybe you were the ghost and sure, most people would run away from it, but Dean always goes looking for the supernatural beings anyway. Unnerving that he’d make someone he loved out of one.

‘’Why didn’t you pick up the phone? I was worried.’’

He shrugs and kisses your hand. ‘’Was busy.’’

It’s a poor excuse, but those are all that have been holding you two together lately.

Here it is. Your inner anger for being treated wrong, the mad woman inside you scratching to come back. He has been treating you like a coat in Texas’ summer, like a stained flannel, like a forgotten feeling. You deserve more than this. You are so much more than this. Who he thinks he is?

But he has those green eyes that cried single man tears, and he’s so close you can feel his breath on your cheek. And you love that man so.

Instead, you smile and reach out for his hand. ‘’I missed you.’’

Dean doesn’t answer. He restricts any emotion to a grin, and suddenly you are under him. He pushes his lips against yours in a desperate act of recovery, to gain back what he somehow lost through the way. The green eyed man might not find his love in you, but there’s something else he can work with; luxury. Love was always harder to spell than lust anyway. To you, the way he howls against your lips is love. To him, it’s the confirmation of the absence of it. But he can’t let go.

Your hands and his, still together coaxing each other into giving in. It’s so easy that way. Dean rushes to rip your t-shirt, gaining a laugh out of your and a kiss to his jaw. He’s out of his pants before you can even pull away to assist him. The male catches your earlobe, kissing that sweet spot to make you whimper his name.

‘’Dean.’’

Your wince, his shirt is tossed away, just like your skirt. You aren’t wearing a bra, and quickly your cherry panties are pulled apart with a simple move of his finger.

‘’Gonna make you feel so good, babe.’’ His index finger is shoved inside your tight cunt. You throw your head to the back, spreading your legs open. You want to beg him to make you feel anything good, for him to be the reason of the holy and not hollow, just this once. ‘’You are so wet--’’ Another finger, they move inside of you in an attempt to find the right spot. ‘’So fucking tight for me. I’ve fucked you so many times and you’re still so tight.’’ Dean’s thumb caressed your clit as he licked his lips, relishing how you squirm and whine his name. What a good girl. ‘’Can’t wait to fuck you.’’

It doesn’t take much longer. The eldest Winchester quickly replaced his skilled fingers with his pulsating cock. His member begged to be inside you, squeezed by those warm and tight walls. Your pussy was always so good for him, taking him so nice. Dean moans at the sensation, his hand losing yours to hold the bedpost, his thrusting wildly against yours.

No more praising words, no more foreplay. He comes to get what he wants and you’re willing to give. He used to touch you like a priceless wine, now his hands are hustled and careless like you are just another bottle of cheap beer. Dean fucks himself into you and you can’t do anything but groan in pleasure. Sometimes the hurting can be delicious, too.

You crave more, though. Your hands, tiny compared to his, meet Dean’s back, nails digging into the bare skin in a reminder I’m here, you’re still mine. Your legs wrapped around his torso, which only caused his moves to go faster and more ferocious, destroying your needy cunt for any other. It feels so good to have him inside you, fucking you up to the point you are an inchorent ball of cum and sweat. He’s gonna get you there, it’s certain, Dean always does.

His thumb comes back to your vagina, digital press to your clit as he attacks your neck. You try to move your head and get those plump lips against yours, but he sounds like an animal, increasing his rhymin and sucking your tender skin.

Everything is so hurried and irrational and not intimate. He comes inside of you after your own release, marking you up with his orgasm. As soon as he’s dones, he crawls out of you and lays on his back. Sure, you come around and rest your weary head on his chest, but that’s what it is. Deep silence. Not the one where love or magic or whatever Aphrodite is made of fills the void and makes the lovers comfortable. No, this one is visceral, like a chuckle empty of joy. It’s like the tie of gold that tried you two were tangled and ripped. Your love should be celebrated, but he tolerates it. He tolerates everything you do. He tolerates your presence. 

The wrath sneaks in smoothly and astute. You aren’t just one night stand or a sweetheart. How can Dean act like you are? You lift your head and watch him breathing with his eyes closed. It’s so brutal, emotionally violent how you are aware that he’s only doing that not to have pillow talk. Where’s that man who’d throw blankets over your barbed wire? Easily misplaced by the one who threw your boundaries away and out the trap there nowadays. You made him your temple, you mural, your sky, now you’re begging for footnotes in the story of his life.

In the rare cracks of lucidity, you picture what would happen if you did what your old, better self would do. Dean appears to assume you are fine, but what would he do if you break free and leave you two in ruins, took this dagger in you and removed it, gain the weight of you then lose it? He was so comfortable with you. Maybe he didn’t think you would ever do that, but there’s just so much a woman with your determination and cleaverity can take. Believe, I could do it. You did it before with others. Sometimes you need to leave to breathe. Perhaps it's time. 

But then, he embraces you. Just like that, all your doubts and fears and bruises caused by his kisses are reduced to paranoia. You decide maybe you got it wrong somehow. Not even blinking at the thought that Dean enjoys cuddles. No, he’s pulling you closer and snucking his nose into your hair because he loves you. Convince yourself. You are majestic with lies, it gets surprisingly facile to tell them when you nuzzle into the Winchester’s neck like his smell is some sort of placebo.  

You aren't tiptoeing around it, or even stepping on the doubts with tiny hoaxes. You are barefoot on his love-- but his love feels a lot like walking through a street of fire and thorns. But hey, isn't that the point of devotion? To put something, someone first? To go through any suffering and starve to get to the prize, to walk through the golden gates? If this was a church, the priest would tell you to get on your knees and pray harder. You can see where he’s going. You’ll do better. Be everything Dean needs. You can be worthy-- you are worthy. You were his everything once and you can be that again. Pick up the soul tapestry he shrewd so unintentionally and patch it up. Most of those things must be in your head anyway, and if they aren't… Well. He will love you that deeply again, right? Right? It’s an echo. Right.

Tomorrow you’ll try again. In the name of love, condepedency, or whatever it is. Sit and watch him.

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