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dr-futbol-blog · 2 months ago

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Trinity, Pt. 6

Everyone bar Ronon and Teyla (who are still off-world) have gathered into the meeting room to discuss the failed experiment. Some time has obviously passed but it is unclear just how much time. It is enough time for Beckett to have performed an autopsy, at the very least. Sheppard and McKay are seated across the room from each other. It seems like Sheppard had only just taken a seat whereas McKay had been there for a while already. McKay is lost in his own thoughts, looking miserable and staring into nothing. But an interesting thing happens as the camera pans around the room, seemingly following Beckett. This both highlights and obscures at the same time the fact that Sheppard mirrors McKay.

Sheppard leans forward toward Mckay and lifts his left hand up to his cheek which is precisely the way McKay is sitting opposite to him. We see McKay for only the fraction of a second and yet this is a thing that they did on purpose. The way Sheppard settles into this position highlights the fact that he is mirroring McKay. The fact that the scene starts with the audience looking over Sheppard's shoulder also invites us to look at things from his perspective.

As Beckett gives his report, we see McKay look away again, as he had back in the Ancient facility watching the body of Collins. He could probably still see it in his mind's eye, and it does not seem as though it is something he is likely to soon forget. But it is interesting that as soon as Beckett says the words "to be honest," McKay looks up at Sheppard. He longs to be naked and honest with Sheppard but does not feel like Sheppard welcomes that from him, not now. Has not welcomed it for a long time. He knows that it would hurt less if they were able to be closer to each other. He is tired of hurting. But now Sheppard won't even look at him.

Beckett: Officially my report will indicate Doctor Collins died due to radiation exposure, causing severe burns to well over ninety percent of his body. Weir: But it was more than that? Beckett: Aye. Much more. To be honest, I have no idea what sort of radiation it was. I've never seen or heard of cellular decay this massive, not when exposure only lasted mere seconds.

The fact that this had happened to Collins in mere seconds and that Sheppard would have been wholly unable to do anything about it even if he had known in advance, even in the case that it had been McKay instead of Collins in the access tube, is not irrelevant as to why Sheppard is behaving the way he does here. To start with, we see him sitting with the side of his fist pressed against his mouth in what can only be a self-soothing gesture that kind of makes him look like a nervous school boy. He is clearly having a lot of thoughts about this and is not sure what to make of all of it, but he does know that it is all making him uncomfortable. It also looks like Sheppard has bags under his eyes, testament to the fact that he has been sleeping poorly lately. He is soul-tired.

Because it seems like McKay is unable to speak, is unable to say anything, Sheppard steps in and fills Weir in on the fact that they had already contacted who ever was the closest person to Collins on Earth:

Sheppard: Collins' next of kin have been notified. Weir: Good.

Although it is Sheppard who tells her this, we have no reason to assume that it had not been McKay that had actually done it the notification. Collins worked under him, and even though McKay seems absolutely numb and it clearly dissociating maybe worse than we have seen him dissociate so far, Collins was his responsibility. But the fact that it is Sheppard who says this may indicate that it is something they had done together, or that he had been there when McKay had done it. The fact that Sheppard thinks to say it here also lets us in on what he is thinking about here, what his greatest concern is and what he cares about. While he would undoubtedly be notified of McKay's untimely demise, he is not his next of kin. And although being informed of McKay's untimely demise as his next of kin is something that Sheppard never wishes to experience, the fact that it is a role from which he is completely shut off is upsetting to him. This situation, Caldwell sitting right next to him, just reminds him all over again of something that he can never quite bring himself to forget. They are not that. And even if they wanted to, they could never be that.

Weir: What went wrong? Zelenka: We're still analysing data from the test. All we know for certain was there was a massive power surge which, in turn, caused the containment field to expand asymmetrically in the direction of the Command Access Tube. As to why...

While Zelenka probably knows more than a little about McKay's moods, it is still unclear how well he actually knows the man. But just as Sheppard had, Zelenka picks up the explanation that probably should have been McKay's responsibility to give and where, again, it is likely they had prepared this presentation together. But McKay is unable to talk. He is afraid of what might come out of his mouth if he did talk, so he stays quiet. He is deeply upset, his breathing seems heavy and he would not be in this meeting if he could be anywhere else. It is Caldwell that finally snaps him out of his stupor.

Caldwell: How about human error? McKay: Excuse me? Caldwell: Well, according to your reports, during the test, Doctor Collins made an adjustment to the containment field. Isn't it possible that he triggered the surge himself?

First of all, Caldwell mentions "your reports" which means that not only had they had time to write up their reports, McKay seems to have filed one of his own. McKay seems personally offended that Caldwell would suggest something like this and it is not only because Collins had worked under him and he felt the need to defend the honour of a fallen comrade. Perhaps even a bigger part of it is that Caldwell was offering him an excuse to get out of this scot-free but McKay was so deep in a spiral of guilt and self-recrimination that he could not even bear listening to anyone trying to claim it hadn't been his fault. He was castigating himself and he needed everyone else to be castigating him too.

Weir: Are you looking for a scapegoat, Colonel? Caldwell: Not at all, Doctor. I'm admittedly looking for a rationale that would allow Doctor McKay to continue his very important work. Is there something wrong with that?

Zelenka takes a seat as it seems like they have moved on from science into politics. Caldwell is the representative of the military-industrial complex and freely admits that their interest in the weapon is driving them to support McKay in his work. McKay is a military contractor but he seems to be uncomfortable in the role, and getting support from the brass when he very much wants to continue the work is forcing him to re-evaluate his position. As stated before, the military applications of the technology were never McKay's motivation for pursuing the research. Even though they are at war, he is not building a bomb here. Look how immobile McKay is, as he listens to Caldwell. He has his chin up and he is as though frozen in place, once more a major sign of dissociation.

McKay: No, Collins knew the system just as well as any of us. He wouldn't have made that kind of mistake. Everything was going well; everyone did their job. Weir: Then what? McKay: I don't know!

It is only his indignation, his need to defend the person whose death he was responsible for because he was not here to defend himself that gives McKay the wherewithal to talk at all. He is not speaking for himself, he is speaking for Collins. Even though McKay is not on trial here, he definitely feels like he is and not even due to anything the other people are saying. He is putting himself on trial. And admitting to Weir that he does not know, admitting to anyone that he does not know something under any circumstances, is extremely difficult for McKay because his entire identity is built on him knowing things, on him being able to know things and do things for other people to earn their acceptance. If he does not know something it is as though he has no reason for being. He is useless, he is worthless, and he is, as ever, unloved. To admit it here is testament to just how lost he feels.

McKay: In terms of physics, it shouldn't have happened. Zelenka: We're still analysing the data from the accident. It's going to take time. McKay: What I do know is the device did what it was supposed to do. Sheppard: No, Rodney, it didn't.

This is the first that Sheppard contributes to the discussion since mentioning the contacting of Collins' kin. He has been listening in and he knows better than the others just what Caldwell is on about and why he feels the need to pursue this. Now, some people might interpret Sheppard as being angry at McKay or something, as though he has any reason to feel like that and as though McKay really needed someone else to beat him up while he is beating himself up. But Sheppard's point here is not to disagree with McKay, or contradict him. This has everything to do with Caldwell and the fact that Sheppard felt like he had lost all control of the situation on the planet during the experiment, how he had come close to losing McKay without being able to do anything about it. And it is in this moment, as McKay seemed to make a statement that the military would undoubtedly interpret as a reason to continue the research, as a reason to try again, as a reason to send McKay back there and do it all over again, it was then that Sheppard felt the need to speak up.

The device was supposed to be a weapon. It had not done what it was supposed to do, which was to be a weapon of mass destruction that the military want to get their hands on. And as long as it had not done what it was supposed to, the military would have no cause to use McKay to get at it. While Weir later tells Sheppard that sometimes McKay needs to be protected from himself, this is something that Sheppard already knows well. He has been doing it for a long time. He was doing it here.

McKay: Well, apart from the obvious containment issues. Sheppard: It overloaded and you couldn't stop it. McKay: Well, we won't know for sure until we go back down there and try again. Sheppard: Try again? Are you serious? McKay: Yes.

And again, it takes only one comment from Sheppard to draw them into a world of their own, where the others are not invited. Weir is literally watching their exchange with her mouth agape, not sure it she should or even could get a word in edgewise. Their attention is on each other, and Sheppard only briefly glances at Caldwell because it is Caldwell's influence that he is most concerned about when it comes to McKay. It seems like this may not even be the first time that they are having this discussion, although it may be the first time they are having it using words.

Sheppard has no intention of allowing McKay to go back there and try again, and his line about McKay being serious is not even intended for him, it is intended for Caldwell, to try to impress to him that repeating the experiment would be nuts. The thing is, Sheppard is afraid here. What happened frightened him, and fear is something that he does not know how to deal with. His fear of losing McKay is overriding his senses. This is why he says what he says next. This is why he is not pulling any punches here.

Sheppard: A member of your team is in the morgue. McKay: And I am responsible for his death, yes. I am painfully aware of that. I sent him in there and I will have to live with that for the rest of my life.

Sheppard looks to the side before he says it because he knows that it will hurt. He needs McKay to drop this and not pursue it, not to go back on the planet and try again, he needs it so badly that he looks for the most hurtful thing he can think to say in this situation, and he actually says it. But his intention is not to hurt McKay. His intention is to keep him safe. His intention is to protect McKay. His intention is to keep him from trying it again, because Sheppard knows that he won't be able to shield McKay from something that can go unpredictably and horribly wrong in mere seconds. He has no intention of letting McKay try again. And he is well-aware that his words hurt. He has buried more than a fair share of soldiers under his command, that is how he knows that it will hurt. He thinks he is doing the right thing here.

But then Sheppard sees his face. Sheppard hears his voice. It isn't even the words McKay says but the way he says them. McKay's mask cracks for only a moment, the pain that has has been trying to contain ever since seeing the body in the command access tube spills out, and while probably everyone can hear that McKay is not alright, Sheppard can see the full extent of his anguish. This is not what he intended. This is a pain that is familiar to him. Yes, he has every intention of keeping McKay away from that planet if he has to tie him up in the basement and sit on him, but McKay is in so much pain that it was wrong to add to it, and he clearly wishes he could take it back.

But make note of the fact that Sheppard is not arguing from a superior moral position here. He isn't arguing ethics at all. He isn't arguing. He is doing what he so frequently does which is to use manipulation to get things to go his way. He is trying every trick in the book to get McKay to give up and not pursue this further. And it is not because he is so staunchly anti-space gun or pro-science or being the voice of reason. What is driving Sheppard here is his own inability to deal with his fear of losing the person he most cares about. But he feels bad about what he said and so, while McKay holds his gaze firmly, Sheppard has to cast his eyes down.

McKay: But we have a responsibility to understand what happened and learn from it. Zelenka: Rodney, we don't even know what went wrong. McKay: Which is why we have to go back there!

Sheppard can see how much this is affecting McKay and has no arguments left. He is not going to feel sorry for wanting to keep McKay safe and he isn't going to let him do anything foolish either, but there has to be some other way he can convince McKay to let it go. And it seems like their aims are opposing. Sheppard feels like in order to keep McKay safe and his own fear at bay, he has to keep McKay from going back. But McKay's guilt over what happened and his need to make it right is causing McKay to insist on going back. For McKay, going back there and making it right feels like the only thing that might make him stop hurting and Sheppard realizes he had pulled the wrong lever because the man in the morgue was McKay's motivation for returning, for doing it all over again. Like we have seen before, both of their motivations are selfish and selfless at the same time. When they are on the same page, they can work wonders. But when they are on opposite pages, as they are here, even unintentionally, even not wishing to be, there is a disaster brewing.

Weir: I know how important this is to you, Rodney, but we knew when we came to Atlantis that we might encounter certain technologies which, for the moment, are out of our reach. McKay: It's not in this case. Weir: You have the data from your first attempt. You can run all the simulations you want. McKay: C'mon, Elizabeth, you really think the military's gonna let this go, huh? I mean, at the very least we should be the first ones in there to spearhead the research. Weir: That's what this is about?! You wanna beat them to it? I'm sorry. The answer's no.

Weir says that she knows how important this is to McKay, but she does not seem to understand why it is important to him. She thinks that he is doing this in the pursuit of science, that he is chasing some scientific discovery. That it is because McKay thinks that the technology is important that he is pursuing this. We see all of them watching him because he is the lynch-pin here but it does not appear as though Weir can see McKay's pain the way Sheppard can. She cannot see the role that drowning in his own guilt and needing to fix what he believes was his mistake plays in McKay's need to pursue this. For McKay, it stopped being about the science when he saw Collins. And it wasn't just about Collins, either. It was Gaul and Abrams, it was Wagner, Johnson, Dumais, Hays and Peterson, it was Monroe and Lindström. And it was Peter Grodin. Most of all, it was Peter Grodin.

While Collins was the most recent, the death of Peter Grodin due to his failure to fix the Ancient satellite was still weighing on him, and it perhaps affected him the most. Maybe they had been involved in the past, maybe they had merely been colleagues, but he had known Grodin for a long time, Grodin had trusted him to be able to fix it because he thought that McKay could "fix anything," because he had told Grodin that he could fix anything many times. And then, he had killed him. It was as though he had killed Peter Grodin himself. And this is what Weir cannot see because McKay has been holding it inside the whole time. People frequently fail to see McKay's pain because they simply refuse to see him as someone who hurts.

Testament to the fact that McKay has been around Sheppard far too long, he too attempts to use manipulation to get Weir to go his way. McKay does not give one whit about what the military thinks and wants in this moment, but he brings them up as an argument that he thinks might convince Weir. He knows that Weir is uncomfortable with the role of the military on the expedition, she is not in favour of giving weapons of unfathomable power into the hands of the US military, and knowing Weir as he does, he thinks that getting her to take a stance against the military might convince her to go his way. But it fails to do this because Weir is still under the impression that McKay is doing this for science. That McKay is doing this because he is pursuing a scientific breakthrough and wants to be the first one to make the discovery. Weir thinks that it is McKay's ego that is driving him here and that could not be further from the truth. He is not thinking about himself at all. He is not even thinking about the science. He just wants to fix it. More than anything he wishes is that he could undo it all.

People start filing out of the meeting room where both Sheppard and McKay remain seated. They do not say anything to each other and it is unlikely they talked here even after the scene cuts while they are still there, as both of their emotions are far too raw. Sheppard is nodding almost imperceptibly to himself but it is unlikely this is because he is in agreement with Weir. He is nodding to his own thoughts, telling himself that this is the right thing to do. He hates this. He hates sitting at this table representing an institution that wants to pry that weapon out of McKay's hands even if it killed him. While he was glad for Weir's call, he wasn't happy about how it clearly affected McKay and how obviously she had misjudged his character.

McKay, on the other hand, watches people file out of the room. He looks at them leave one by one. Even on his best day McKay thinks that people only want him around because he can do things for them. And this, watching them all leave without saying a word when it seems like he won't be able to do anything for any of them just re-enforces his belief that it is the only thing he is good for, it is the only thing people want from him and it is only this that they keep him around for. And right now, he feels like he deserves it. And he does not realize that Sheppard stayed back for him. Sheppard was not going anywhere. Sheppard wished that there was something he could do for McKay.

Continued in Pt. 7

#sga #stargate atlantis #john sheppard #sga meta #sheppard is bi #rodney mckay #rodney is gay #ep. trinity #mcshep

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dr-futbol-blog · 6 months ago

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Before I Sleep, Pt. 1

The episode Before I Sleep (S01E15) is a Weir-centric episode that follows the events of Sanctuary (S01E14), which is even referenced at the beginning of the episode. It also deals with the fall-out from Hot Zone (S01E13), Sheppard attempting to mend his relationship with Weir. But it also allows us glimpses at the building intimacy between Sheppard and McKay.

The theme of the episode is the passage of time and of growing older, and hence we begin it with Elizabeth Weir apparently musing on it alone on one of the balconies. Her private moment is interrupted by Sheppard:

Weir: Hey. Sheppard: There you are. Weir: I was just snatching a breath of fresh air.

I want to point out that Sheppard greets her with the words he heard Rodney say to her previously on the intercom (The Storm, S01E09), verbatim. Adopting the mannerisms and vocabulary of someone you like is not consciously done but it happens, nonetheless. He also doesn't even look at her as he walks in.

There was a reason he had sought her out:

Weir: Thought you were off exploring the city. Sheppard: About to. Picked this up on the mainland. The Athosians made it. Happy birthday. Weir: Hmm. It's beautiful. How did you find out? Sheppard: Mum's the word.

He is careful not to touch her as he hands her his gift. Like, by the placement of his hands on the top and bottom of the vessel he's making sure that no physical contact happens here. We can call that respect or whatever.

This is clearly an attempt on his part to fix the broken trust between them resulting from his undermining of her authority in Hot Zone. We never learn how Sheppard had discovered that it is her birthday. Her surprise tells us that it's not something he was supposed to know, even it we might assume that, as the highest ranking military officer, he might have access to personnel files. It does tell us that he has, once more, done something without her authorization--which might well even be his intention, here. To show her that while he does things according to his own moral compass, does things a little different, he means well. He has good intentions. He is also being charming since this is as much of an apology as Sheppard is capable of making but, comparing it to his attempt at using charm to get his way in the previous episode, it's very mild.

Sheppard is not looking at her face as she unwraps the gift, he's looking at the vessel all the way up until she speaks. He also does not look up as she says "it's beautiful", there's a noticeable pause before he looks up at her so as to make sure that neither we (as the audience) nor Weir think that it's him associating the word with her face. When you give gifts to people close to you, you usually watch their face for their reaction because it's seeing their joy that brings you pleasure. What ever his reason was for doing this, seeing her pleasure was not it.

He tells her "mum's the word," which is literally saying that she can trust him to keep her secrets if she can keep his. And given how openly, how blatantly, he behaves with regards to McKay in this episode, it seems as though he has decided to show her that he does trust her with this.

As a man, he doesn't understand what birthdays often mean to middle-aged childless professional women, and why she might have sought out some time for solitary reflection on this particular day. But she appreciates his gesture, nonetheless.

Yes, some people are going to view this in a romantic light. But emphasizing her aging is not a strategy mainstream television would take in establishing a romantic relationship between two characters -- one of whom is still in a relationship with someone on Earth, mind you. They even emphasize this with Sheppard's line "Doesn't look a day over nine thousand!" later on. Also, he takes off real quick because he clearly wanted to be somewhere else.

We cut from this scene to Sheppard doing what he was supposed to be doing: exploring the city. Sheppard's voice is on the intercom and we see McKay watching his life-sign on the screen. And this is the beginning of the motif of strange intimacy between Sheppard and McKay in this episode. It's all very suggestive but, true to form, left open for alternative interpretation.

As I've mentioned before, the audience is invited to re-interpret the episodes of the first two seasons through the lens of what we learn in The Game (S03E15), and if one is so inclined, one can simply read this developing closeness and familiarity between them as a result of their game-play. We learn in the following episode, The Brotherhood (S01E16), that McKay and Sheppard have shared a lot of personal information with each other by this time. But we can also read "the game" as an euphemism for something else that has resulted in their knowing each other very well, knowing strange details about one another, being physically comfortable in close proximity, the unending banter or back-and-forth, of the creation of this private universe between them, and of their worlds surrounding one another. They did play that game a lot, after all.

Once more, we return to Sheppard and McKay's conversation in the middle of it. With Weir, we saw the beginning, the middle, and the end of their exchange, brief as it was, all of it on screen. With Sheppard and McKay we are often coming in at the tail-end of their exchange. Sheppard is with Teyla and Ford down in the city while McKay is talking to them (and by them, I mean pretty obviously Sheppard alone) on the intercom. Apparently, their exploration of the city has been going on for a while already:

Sheppard: Alright, we're done with the living quarters. Moving on. McKay: Woah-woah-woah, before you go, you see anything better than our current quarters? Sheppard: A few. Some of them are pretty nice, actually. McKay: Well, what kind of square footage are we talking about? Sheppard: What am I, your realtor, Rodney? We're here to unlock the secrets of Atlantis. McKay: Yeah, well, I'm looking for a one-bedroom with a den, preferably with a balcony, but I'm not married to it. Look, we might as well be comfortable until the wraith get here--

So, one can interpret "our quarters" as referring to the quarters currently used by the expedition at large. One could also interpret it as "your quarters and my quarters" separately, in which case it assumes that Sheppard knows what McKay's quarters are like. That's fine. But.

Sheppard answers his inquiry with "What am I, your realtor?" as though he's not interested in looking for new quarters for (or with) McKay and is just there to do a job. Only, we find them together later looking through quarters, so this is something they are and have been doing together for some reason. But this discussion on the intercom is at least semi-public, what with McKay out in the open at the control room and Sheppard with the rest of their team, so Sheppard is clearly trying to remind McKay of this fact. He actually says "We're here to unlock the secrets of Atlantis," quoting their mission statement, to not-so-subtly remind the man that keeping up appearances is a thing that is necessary. He also emphasizes the word 'secrets' because sometimes McKay needs help getting a hint.

McKay isn't hearing it, though (although he does look to his side before he asks about the square footage as though to make sure he's not being overheard on his end, which Sheppard of course does not see). He's undaunted, prattling on about the quarters he would prefer (for them; this is literally what he says). It's possible that they've been having this conversation in another context that he's excitedly picking up since it's easy to forget one's surroundings when talking with someone familiar, just like people often forget that standers-by can hear them when they are on the phone in a public place. Also, why does he look so... turned on here?

The thing about quarters on Atlantis is that we see precious little of their private living spaces over the seasons. The quarters most often visited are Sheppard's, with his Johnny Cash poster and his comically small bed. Like, the bed is so small that it suggests the room either belonged to a Lantean child or that the Lanteans were considerably shorter than humans, which does not seem to have been the case, as we get to see the original Lanteans in this episode.

Sheppard's bed is not comfortable for him to sleep in and we are meant to get a Spartan, military vibe from it. Sheppard is a soldier, he prefers to keep his living space simple. Beds are for catching shut-eye and shut-eye only, and minimal amounts at that. Comically small.

We see McKay's quarters considerably less on the show, and the first time is in Duet (S02E04). In the episode, we also see his bed. On earth, you might think this is a single. But by Lantean standards, it's the biggest goddamn bed we ever get to see on a man on the show on Atlantis. I'll return to this with the rest of the episode later but I just want to point out this fact here, as Sheppard and McKay are having a discussion about the size of something later:

Sheppard: Too big, huh? McKay: I'm not saying it's too big, I'm just pointing out its dimensions. Sheppard: Huh. It's not that… [big]

Innuendo aside (Sheppard likes 'em big), they can only be talking about either quarters or something in them. But why would anyone care about the size of the quarters or something in them? They all seem to be living in really small spaces, cramming their human lives into Lantean frameworks, so why would Sheppard think that McKay finds some quarters too big? He owns a whole-ass house on earth, as seen in Home (S01E08). Since Lantean quarters seem to be fairly uniform in size, it's more likely that they're referring to something in the quarters they've been looking at, as quarters are plural and they used 'them' to refer to them previously.

And who thinks a bed is too big? Granted, we also learn in Home that McKay feels most comfortable sleeping on the sofa i.e., in a relatively narrow space, but it's not like they're finding any Alaskan King Size beds in the city, and even if they did -- it's just more space to roll in even if you're alone. You got a whole empty city at your perusal, you have space to live large. If Sheppard's bed is a twin, McKay's bed is only a full double. What even is the issue here?

Keeping up appearances is the issue. DADT stated that in order for someone to be investigated, they had to "demonstrate a propensity or intent to engage in homosexual acts" and provide "credible evidence of homosexual conduct". I cannot overstate how much of an actual thing this was when the show was on air, and the USAF was one of the worst branches of the military when it came to pursuing allegations of this nature given the profusion of Southern Baptists in the leadership. Even if a non-heterosexual member of the military could be convinced that they were allowed to have feelings without having to justify them to anyone, acting on those feelings was not a simple matter. There could be no evidence of it.

If an officer cannot be found fraternizing with members of his sex, one of the ways it can be demonstrated that he does not is that his quarters are General Issue. The bed is for sleeping only and you couldn't entertain company there even if you wanted to. Investigating his quarters, you would have to conclude that he is, in the words of Johnny Cash, a solitary man. It's plausible deniability. But then. No one would care about the size of the bed of the head scientist.

It's interesting that McKay's bed is small enough to be interpreted as the bed of someone sleeping alone and yet it is big enough to fit two people that are both used to sleeping in tight quarters (one being the Spartan military type and the other likely comforted by the narrow space of the sofa). Again, just to point out its dimensions, McKay's is the biggest bed we ever see on the show on Atlantis (I'll return to the case of Heightmeyer's and Lt. Cadman's beds later). So.

We are actually reminded of McKay's ability and natural inclination for sleeping in a tight space in this same goddamn episode:

With the two of them sleeping in the same room, essentially sleeping together, in seemingly uncomfortable positions in an episode that begins with them hunting for something better than their current quarters. With reference to the title of the episode, you need a bed before you can sleep and here we're shown both of them, both of them, in want of a bed. Subtle.

Now, it's not my intention to claim that they had been living together secretly all these years. Clearly, there were long periods when they had fallen out and we even see Sheppard ban McKay from his quarters during Trinity (S02E06). But there are still hints. They give you just enough to speculate. The only time we see Sheppard asleep in his room is in The Shrine (S05E06), and this is, perhaps not coincidentally, the only time we see him in pajamas that, for a military man, are probably not common sleep wear. And also, just throwing it out there: Sheppard must have like a dozen plain black t-shirts he could sleep in so the panda shirt might actually belong to someone who is fond of novelty t-shirts and not even be his. In the episode McKay barges into his quarters, waking him up:

McKay: John! You were there, and-and then you-you-you-- Sheppard: Rodney, Rodney, I'm right here! What-what's wrong? McKay: I woke up, and [***] Sheppard: Oh, buddy. I'm sorry. I thought you'd fallen asleep. McKay: Oh… I was… I got so scared.

Sheppard had been there in McKay's quarters ("Let's get you back to your quarters") when he had fallen asleep and he had woken up in the middle of the night to find him not there anymore, which had scared him. Since McKay is losing his faculties, he's slurring enough that it's extremely difficult to make out what he actually says in [***]. Some transcripts render it "and Ronon had left" which it's definitely not. Some with "and everyone had left" which sounds a bit more like it, but not quite. It's more like "and I'm the only one--had left!" or "and I'm all alone--had left!". He's so agitated he's swallowing many of the words, his speech is jumbled. His final "had left!" seems to be a continuation of the thought that he couldn't get out right the first time regarding Sheppard: "You--you--you--". John, you were there and then you had left. I woke up and was all alone. That's certainly the sentiment Sheppard is reacting to.

He's extremely contrite, telling McKay that he left because he thought he'd fallen asleep, as though that's a reasonable explanation for him leaving (which McKay seems to accept). This could indeed be something someone (who canonically needs less sleep than the other) might be forced to do if they can't be found frequently coming out of someone else's quarters in the morning.

Tell me the dialogue doesn't sound like Sheppard had been there with McKay when he had gone to bed. Sure, it could be a one-off, looking over a friend in need as he's basically dying, but McKay's reaction very much speaks against this. McKay is losing his memory and it's only the most ingrained, most important things that are left to him. They're also both wearing pajamas, which is something you might insist on when someone you love is regressing basically to a childlike state (and further, there's a medical professional in charge of his care that has suddenly taken a special interest in him while McKay had, by this time or shortly thereafter, very definitely even forgotten what her name was).

What we learn from this scene is that Sheppard doesn't usually sleep in his quarters wearing pajamas. Finding him not there with him was something so unexpected that it frightened McKay. He's losing his memory, he's losing his faculties, but he's also falling into a state of raw honesty. He needs John Sheppard there, with him, in his quarters that are his alone in name only and are actually shared by them, and he needs him to be there when he falls asleep and he also wants him there when he wakes up--even if that was something that ordinarily rarely happened.

There's also a whole thing in Doppelganger (S04E04) where Sheppard is sitting on his tiny bed unable to relax and then heads out of his quarters with purpose, runs into Teyla as he opens the door and then claims he had just been meaning to go find her as he was supposed to be sequestered and not leaving his quarters. He gives her a comforting hug, for just having lost--let's say--a friend, very obviously touching her bare skin, with Teyla currently hosting 'the entity'. And then, in the next scene, we find out that the entity that jumps via physical contact from person to person is not in Sheppard, as we were meant to suspect, but is suddenly and inexplicably in McKay.

There are... a few steps there that were obviously skipped but we can fill in the gaps with Sheppard, not in his tiny bed, touching the bare skin of the next host who apparently thinks that Sheppard frequently has nightmares about hot girls like it's a conversation they've had several times before. But anyway, we'll circle back to that later. Point is, over the years, we learn that they both know way too much about how the other person sleeps ("Only when he's awake" = Not when he's sleeping). But, as stated previously, you can attribute it all to 'the game'.* Or whatever. They're just good friends who are concerned about the other's sleep.

It's also interesting that McKay mentions the word marriage here. Obviously, he's not talking about literal marriage, using it as a turn of phrase. But his choice of vocabulary is not insignificant, given the domesticity in this episode. It speaks of subconscious desires (to marry someone in general, if you wish). But I will also point out that Canada was very much in the process of recognizing marriage equality when this episode originally aired, several provinces introducing it during the first season. This was the hot potato issue of the day. Anyway, as McKay is hunting for a bigger bedroom with his buddy boy pal, marriage is literally what he had on his mind.

But alas, their search is temporarily halted as Atlantis has to do what Atlantis does best. Ford stumbles onto something weird.

Continued in Pt. 2

-* But if you twisted my arm, it's between The Defiant One and Hot Zone that they first 'hooked up', to coin a phrase from the show. By this time, they've been there for months with slim hopes of ever getting back to Earth and have all run out of distractions. Which just makes Sanctuary that much more tragic, as they hadn't just been sleeping together but, as we learn in the following episode, had by this time been sharing intimate details about each other's lives.

#stargate atlantis #sga #sga meta #john sheppard #sheppard is bi #rodney mckay #rodney is gay #ep. before I sleep #ep. sanctuary #ep. hot zone #ep. the game #ep. the storm #ep. the shrine #ep. doppelganger #ep. duet #ep. trinity #ep. the defiant one

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