#tried to look up therapists and options because I seriously can’t do this much longer

[doctor-wombat]

:)

[astaroth1357]

Demon Brothers Comfort an MC with Depression

As somebody who struggles with and has seen others battle depression, I know that it manifests in everyone a little differently and what works for some may not for others. Unfortunately, there is no cure-all. But if you're like me and some relief can come from comfort/being comforted, no matter how you find it, then I hope this helps you too. Please remember there's always places and people who wish to help out. Try to practice self-love and stay safe out there.

Warnings: Themes of Depression, Angst

Lucifer

His reaction to stress is work. If he’s stressed out, then he’ll do more work. It’s not that he enjoys it, it just keeps his mind distracted and he’d rather things get done. So he can recognize when someone else does the same.

Cooking, cleaning, homework, or other chores, he’s seen the MC go around doing this and that throughout the House. At first he was thankful, his brothers so rarely clean up or look after themselves, but after a while things started to seem off…

They started working themselves to the bone. He could hear them up in the middle of night sweeping or washing dishes. It was almost like they had forgotten how to sleep at night...

One night, when he left his study to go make some coffee, he found them in the library scrubbing the floors. Their shoulders were trembling with hushed whimpers and choked sobs...

He made them put the sponge away, walked them back into his study, and sat them down despite their protests. They explained their condition to him there through tears they seemingly didn’t want to shed... They’d been unable to sleep in days and were using cleaning as a distraction...

His first instinct was to put them to bed, but if they already can’t sleep then that seemed insufficient… 

He ordered them to relax in the chair and played classical music as he made them some tea. He tried to calm them down as best he could and reassured them with quiet conversation and compliments to help them stop crying. When they eventually zonked out, he carried them back to bed then set to work.

Informed Diavolo the next day that the MC was having difficulties then sought out the best treatment the human world had to offer. He personally escorts the MC there for regular services. 

Would not hear a word of protest on this. If they didn’t want to go, then he would just have kidnap a therapist and bring the treatment to them.

He instructed his brothers remind the MC to relax sometimes and watch closely for signs of overworking. They could let the house fall to pieces for all he cares, just as long as they’re getting enough sleep and feeling better.

“This simply won’t do… But that’s alright. I’ll make sure things here are better for you.”

Mammon

He's been with MC the longest, he knows what's up by now. 

He wouldn't say they have mood swings but he's picked up on how their mood rises and falls over time. They may seem perfectly fine for a while, a week, sometimes two. Then suddenly it's as if they pull back...

They'll stay in their room longer, be a bit more quiet at the dinner table, or look spaced out all the time. Like they're there, but not really with him anymore…

At first he thought it was something he was doing but they’d always tell him he’s fine. Great even. So why did they keep pulling away…?

He got worried enough about it that he asked Solomon if it was just a human thing. He’s the one who told him what depression was and that the MC may have it.

Honestly, he can’t say that he gets it completely, but he takes it seriously. If it’s making the MC feel this bad then he’s got to try something, right?

He’s unsure of what to do, so he settles for just being there for them. Constantly. If he notices that they’re pulling back again, he’ll go to their room and just be there. Even if he’s only checking his phone while sitting next to them on the bed. 

He makes sure to remind them that since they’re his human he doesn’t like seeing them sad. If they need to talk, he’s got it. If they need a hug, he’s got that too. He won’t let them feel like they’re all alone as long as he’s around.

“Tsk, look… You know you’ve got me here, right? I ain’t goin’ leave ya…”

Leviathan 

Was pretty oblivious to it until he walked into their room one day to lend them a new manga and found them curled up, crying in bed.

Panicked right away because he thought they were hurt and almost called for Lucifer before they stopped him.

After they explained the situation and that sometimes the tears just happen, he felt awful for them. He’s not exactly an emotionally secure person himself so he could relate to feeling like your mind can be against you at times.

He offers them funny manga or shows them games that make him relaxed and happy. He takes their tastes into account and tries to craft them the best “feel good” media pack an otaku can ask for.

If they’re not an otaku like he is well… He doesn’t really know what makes normies feel better, but he’ll still try there too. He’s sure there’s probably some things on Akuzon that can help. Flowers? Candy? Do crystals work on them? He’s not very equipped, but he is trying.

Asks them over for a lot more anime/game nights because he thinks if he can get them distracted, then that’s a bit of relief in and of itself. Will try very hard to make them laugh when they’re together. Every little smile is a victory in his eyes.

“Okay, I brought this, and this, and this, oh and that too! It’s a good series. We can watch it together, okay?”

Satan

Sadness is sort of new to him. When you’ve been angry most of your life you end up not very familiar with other emotions, be they your own or other people’s...

He DID know about depression though. Or at least he knew what it was. He read about it in some human medical journals after the MC came to the Devildom, just to cover his bases.

When the MC started to show signs of having it, he was hesitant to say much at first because he didn’t think his place to do so.

He changed his mind after they began skipping classes. It started out pretty minor, they’d be late for class this week then maybe leave a little early the next… But soon it seemed like they couldn’t bring themselves to go at all. 

He knew this wasn’t a Belphie situation. The MC wasn’t lazy and they cared a good deal about their grades. If something was keeping them from making it to class, it had to be serious and he wanted to help.

He read enough on the subject to be able to approach it tactfully, then presented the MC with his findings. He tried to be gentle, but he was worried and when he’s worried he wants to get to the bottom of the problem as soon as possible.

When his suspicions were proven true, he did everything in his power to help them. He read up on the condition for days and asked them a lot of questions about how they doing, how they’re feeling, what makes them comfortable, etc.

He begun looking into what treatments were available/able to be smuggled down to the Devildom while still being discreet, if that’s what they wanted. His brothers didn’t need to know.

Checks up on them a lot in the meantime and tries to cheer them up if he can. He’s not the best at it face-to-face but he may send them gifs and pics of kittens doing kitten things. That usually helps him, so maybe it will help them too?

“Don’t worry, you can get through this. There’s a lot of options available. Here, let me show you what I’ve found...”

Asmodeus

Even the most beautiful people can feel depressed sometimes and Asmo knows that.

It started with him fussing over their appearance like he does with all his brothers, semi-playfully of course.

“MC, are you getting enough beauty sleep? MC, why don’t you do something more with your hair? MC, you could look cuter than that! MC? Are you listening...?”

It didn’t take long, though, for him to notice the dip in their self-care was getting steeper… And it wasn’t like them. They didn’t put as much pride in their appearance as he does (who can?) but they had a style. There was a way they liked to present themselves to other people. They just weren’t doing that anymore…

Something was wrong and he was sure of it.

When he invited the MC to his room that day, he didn’t have any ulterior motives for once. He wasn’t looking for a night of fun, only answers to soothe his concern. 

He had never been more gentle or considerate of their feelings than he was right then; coaxing but never prodding until finally they let him in wholeheartedly.

He held the MC as they cried, listened to every word they had to say, never interrupted or complained, and just brushed every tear away.

Makes it his mission to take care of the MC inside and out. Spa days become a regular occurrence where he will ask how they’re doing and let them vent whatever they need. If they don’t feel like talking, then he will take over and try to make them laugh with some embarrassing gossip about his brothers.

Wholeheartedly believes that one's mental health is entwined with one’s physical, so will make them feel the most beautiful and relaxed they ever have in hopes that it might soothe that emotional pain too.

“Go on, sweetheart, and let it all out… Don’t worry. I’m listening.”

Beelzebub 

His first tip off was the food. They weren't eating.

Beel's pretty perceptive to what food is around him at all times so he’s the first to notice MC's portions getting smaller… then their plates stay half full.

That worried him enough but when they started skipping meals all together he knew he needed to step in and find out what was wrong. Were they sick?

He gently cornered them one day in the kitchen when they went to grab some instant noodles. It was well past noon and that was the only thing he'd seen them eat since yesterday's breakfast. He knows they're never as hungry as he is, but that has to hurt them too, right?

When he asked about their appetite they wouldn't meet his eyes. They tried to tell him that they were fine but that wasn't going to fly. He called their bluff immediately.

He didn’t expect them to start crying... Honest.

He felt horrible and just pulled them into a hug while they let it out, rocking them gently like he does with Belphie when he’s upset.

When they explained to him what depression is and how they don’t feel like eating sometimes it makes him more worried than before. He honestly can’t process the idea of not being hungry for such long periods of time but it sounds bad for them surely…

From that day forward he keeps a close eye on their food intake. He’ll be the first to encourage them to eat and even offer his own food if they haven’t had any yet. If they’re looking a little down, he’ll offer them snacks from his comfort food stash.

He’s always down to be with them when they need it. No questions asked. If they just show up at his room or send him a text then he’ll be there. He doesn’t mind if they don’t feel like talking, he just hopes his presence helps somehow.

“Do you need me right now? Okay. I’ll order us a pizza but you have to eat some of it too, alright?”

Belphegor 

It’s not an unfamiliar feeling to him. He went through his own sad spells after Lilith died… Back then he coped with it through sleeping most of the day and being with Beel.

He started to notice that the MC was sleeping more. At first he was kind of happy because then they could nap together, but it started getting worse…

They’d sleep almost all day. Humans only need 8 hours but they’d go 14 or more… Not even he can stay in bed that long...

When they were awake they’d be quiet. They’d like to hold him but they weren’t telling him what was wrong…

After a while, he got so worried that he looked up what could be making them so sleepy. When he read about depression it all clicked in place for him, not just about them but about himself too.

One night, while they were having another afternoon nap/snuggle, he gently brought up the subject and they confirmed his suspicions.

What proceeded was a long conversation between the two where he admitted to sometimes feeling the same. They compared notes and thoughts, shared pain and scars, and talked about little things that might not mean much, but made them smile and feel happy to be in the world.

He made a deal with them to start staying up more if he did the same. He skipped class less often in order to wake up and go to school with them and stayed near them while they’re there just in case they started losing steam. 

He wouldn’t force them to do any schoolwork or anything, but he would try to keep them up and about by inviting them in on pranks or talking to them so they won’t fall asleep until a good time for it. He just wanted them to be happy and healthy.

Promised that no matter how long the day took, he’d still cuddle them to sleep at night.

“Hey, if I’m not sleeping then you aren’t either. Come on… We can do this together.”

[noaltbruh]

Hii!! I’m not sure if requests are still open but if they are... How about the Bucci gang with a reader who has problems with self harm? It’s a rather serious topic tho so I completely understand if you don’t want to

*I DISCOURAGE ANYONE YOUNGER THAN 13 OR EASILY TRIGGERED FROM READING THIS. IF YOU ARE/KNOW SOMEONE DEALING WITH THIS KIND OF PROBLEM, PLEASE ASK FOR HELP*

With that being said, thank you for your request and I wish you the best :)

GIORNO:

-Giorno almost immediately figured out there was something wrong with you. The way you constantly hid your wrists and acted like it was nothing made him extremely suspicious. However, he hesitated to tell you about it for a while, he wanted you to open up to him naturally without having to force you.

-But it was something that he could no longer keep on ignoring after almost 5 months. He had to talk to you.

-He calmly told you that he had something very serious that he wanted to discuss with you. You could already tell where this was going and tried to oppose, but once he puts his mind on something you can be sure that he isn't going to take "no" as an answer.

-"I'm sorry, Y/N, but I really want to talk to you about this, forgive me if I insist. Would you mind showing me your arms? And without the jacket, please."

-You just stared at him without saying a word.

-"Y/N...you know that I don't like repeating myself, so please do what I said"

-reluctantly you took your jacket off, as Giorno took a close look at the scars on both of your arms

-He looked at you in the eyes and immediately told you that this was not ok, and despite how much you didn't want to admit it, you knew he was right

-He started asking you lots of questions in order to understand better what caused you to harm yourself in this way, while you hated to talk about this, the calmness in his voice helped you opening up to him

-However, Giorno's method to actually handle the problem may seem a bit too...cynical. Being the leader of Passione, he made sure to contact the most qualified and well known therapist in the entire country, since he knows that self harm is a serious issue that requires medical treatment

-On the other hand, emotional support is also extremely important, which is something that a person like Giorno has a bit of trouble to realize

-You appreciate what he's doing and decides to see the therapist he has recommended, but you also try to make him understand that it isn't as simple as breaking a leg and going to the hospital

-He immediately apologizes for his "coldness" and always makes sure to check up on you even more than before. The "feeling side" of the relationship is something that he still struggles with at times, but you are more than happy to help him just like he's helping you getting better with this problem

BUCCIARATI:

-Bucciarati is probably the best one at handling the situation in the entire team.

-He noticed that something was wrong even before than Giorno, but unlike him, he didn't hesitate to tell you about it

-While you didn't expect him to bring it up in such a sudden way, a part of you was secretly glad that Bruno was able to see this through. You knew he was a kind and thoughtful person, and he would have done anything to help you

-"Y/N...I don't know why you'd hurt yourself this way, I'm not even going to ask you about it. Just know...I'll always be there for you, and I won't be satisfied until you heal from this"

-His first thought was to hide anything sharp inside the house, even though he believes you want to get better, he still doesn't want to take any risk

-He'd be too scared to leave you alone for a while, so you'll have to bear with him insisting on bringing you everywhere he goes

-Of course, he'd make sure to look for the best therapist he can find, if you're not comfortable with the one he suggested, he won't blink an eye and start looking for another one the minute after

MISTA:

-Mista takes quite longer compared to Bruno and Giorno to realize what's going on. He always thought it was kind of weird how you constantly wore shirts or dresses with long sleeves, but considering his own fashion style, he couldn't really say anything about it

-However, after around half an year, he started to grow more and more suspicious of your behavior, especially since who would ever wear long sleeves in the middle of Summer?

-While Mista probably knows what self harm is, he has never taken any interest in the subject, so he doesn't know how to react when he realizes what's going on

-Still, he deeply cares about you, and wants to help you in any way he can. He tried to get you to show him your wrists in a very relaxed way; if there was no tension, maybe opening up to him wouldn't have been as bad

-"Come on Y/N, you know that I love you, I'm just asking you to show me your arms. It can't be that bad, right?"

-You really didn't want to, and despite how much you loved Mista, you weren't exactly sure he was the best option to help you in this situation. Regardless, you decided to give him a chance, he was still your boyfriend, after all

-He was really freaked out when he saw your scars, but he knew that he couldn't ask you what to do to make you feel better, and that he had to look for a solution on his own.

-He considered asking the gang for help, but it was something way too private for him to tell them about it.

-The only idea that came into his mind was to talk to a therapist, which turned out to actually be good. He convinced you to take an appointment and the man would always give Mista some advices on how to make you feel better when you're not there.

NARANCIA

-Narancia...is most definitely not the best option in this situation. He's incredibly sweet and lovable, and would give his own life to make you feel better. The problem is that... Narancia doesn't even know what self harm means.

-He always tells the gang about what a cool girlfriend he's got, that you're never hot and even in the middle of Summer you still wear long sleeves. They hoped that, eventually, he would have figured out on his own what was going on, but after an entire year, they decided to tell him about it.

-Narancia didn't believe them at first and thought they were just trying to mess with him. The situation would have seriously gotten out of hand if Bucciarati wasn't there to stop him

-He refused to believe to what they were saying, but he wanted to ask you about it anyway, just to make sure that he was right and the other were a bunch of "dumb overthinkers"

-The easiest way would have been to tell Narancia that nothing was wrong, and that would have been the end of the discussion. But...you didn't want to, you wanted to get better, even though he didn't know anything about the subject, Narancia would have done anything to help you

-"Y/N...I-I know I'm not the smartest, but why didn't you tell me sooner? I...I want to be there for you, I don't know how but...e-everything will be fine, alright?"

-He immediately asks the gang for help, he doesn't want to take any risk and rely on someone that is more knowledgeable than you is definitely the safer option in this case

-He helps you find a therapist, of course, but he has some trouble understanding that he can't be there during the appointment, he just wants to be there 100% of the times

-He's great when it comes to emotional support though, he will constantly try to cheer you up and "Make all the bad thoughts go away"

-Please appreciate what this poor baby is doing, he's just trying his best

FUGO

-Fugo probably considered harming himself in the past, friendly reminder that he was about to kill his father with a dagger, are we sure that's all that he used that knife for?

-With that being said, he never actually went through with it, since he was too scared of how his parents would have reacted if they found out

-Because of this, Fugo notices that something is not right almost immediately, but he's too scared to tell you about it. He knows that this is an extremely sensitive subject, and he thinks that you're going to leave him if he brings that up

-However, eventually, he finds the courage to confront you, since knowing about the issue and doing absolutely nothing was slowly killing him inside

-"Y/N, please try to understand, this...is not good for you. I know that talking about it hurts...a lot, but it will never stop hurting if you don't face it!"

-He knows quite a lot about it, and encourages you to seek for professional assistance as soon as possible. Obviously, he helps you find a good therapist, and similar to Narancia, he's very annoyed that he can't participate to the sessions

-While he knows that emotional support is extremely important, Fugo isn't exactly the best when it comes to comforting somebody

-Of course, he'll do anything he can to avoid lashing out on you, but he's constantly worried that he isn't doing enough to help you.

-But you trust him, and you're sure that with a person like him by your side, you're going to get better

ABBACCHIO

-How do I say this...I think that Abbacchio doesn't simply know a lot about self harm, he has experienced it. He doesn't do it anymore, of course, but during that period of his life before Bruno welcomed him into the gang, Abbacchio reached a point where he would hurt himself on purpose on a daily basis.

-Because of this, he can immediately tell that something is seriously wrong, and he doesn't think twice about telling you about it

-However, while he understands how much it hurts, he still has serious problems confronting the issue in an healthy manner, so the way he told you wasn't exactly...very reassuring

-"Y/N, what the hell? Do you have ANY IDEA of how bad this is for you? What were you planning on doing? Cutting you *beep* arm until you run out of blood? Don't you give a **** about how much this would hurt the ones around you?"

-His words hurt more than the blade that passed through you veins more than once every day by now. You started crying and sobbing out loud, not knowing how to answer

-"Oh God...Y-Y/N, I'm...I'm sorry. I know how is it like...I know it t-too well. I just... I just w-want to help you"

-An entire hour later, he was able to calm you down, explaining to you his experience with self harm. Partially, you were mad at him for not talking about it sooner, but in a certain way, it reassured you, because he could perfectly understand what you were going through

-However, since he simply...stopped doing it after he met Bruno, he doesn't immediately understand what he's supposed to do to help you

-He's not dumb though, and after thinking about it for half an hour, he decides that the first step would be to find a good therapist. He feels...kind of uncomfortable accompanying you to the sessions, since the doctor accidentally thought he was the patient the first time you came to his studio

-When it comes to comforting you, as you already saw, his words may still be a bit... hostile, but you don't care. You know those words aren't filled with bitterness, that's just his way to show that he's genuinely worried for you

TRISH

-Trish, similar to Mista, knows what self harm is, but her knowledge about the issue is probably just the standard definition you would find in a dictionary

-She actually found about about the issue sooner than most members of the gang. How? It was a total coincidence, considering that she hadn't grown suspicious, not even in the slightest, that something could have been wrong

-One day, she convinced you to go shopping with her; you tried to decline, but eventually, you figured out that you could have stopped her from seeing your scars if you only put on long sleeved clothes

-It seemed like your plan almost succeeded, but as you were in the middle of putting on your regular clothes, Trish walked inside your changing room

-"Hey dear, what do you think of- Y/N, w-what are those things on your wrists? But...a-an enemy hurt you that way, r-right? You wouldn't harm yourself like that...RIGHT?!"

-You didn't say anything, you just looked down, feeling ashamed of yourself

-Since she couldn't get an answer out of you there, Trish immediately brought you back home, hoping that you would have felt more comfortable talking about it in a private place

-Slowly, you started explaining to her the whole situation. She didn't interrupt you a single time, but it was obvious from her expression that she wanted to ask you a lot of things. You could almost see her eyes getting wet

-She hugged you tight and told you that everything would have been ok. While she was clearly hurt to have found out about it in such way, she was willing to help you in any possible way

-After getting more informed about the subject, the two of you looked for a therapist together. She wanted to make absolute sure that you felt included in this choice too

-She took a break from her job as a pop star to remain by your side until you feel at least a bit better. You didn't want her to renounce to something so important for you, but when she told you about it she already made her mind, and she wasn't going to change it

-When she can't absolutely be there, she leaves you with Spice girl so that you don't feel completely alone

[soulmate-game]

Okay, I’m not sure if what I was trying to say in my last post was said very well.

I completely understand the tagging situation from the First Wave with the DC fans. That’s discourse that is mostly solved and we can’t do anything about those who are forever gonna be bitter or lazy. I’m not talking about that stuff.

The stuff I want to prevent/limit is the hate that comes after our fandom deliberately. And yes, I know I can’t stop it. None of us can stop bitter, antagonistic people from being bitter and antagonistic. None of us can stop people who just want to be angry.

I’m not talking about stopping them, though.

I’m talking about what we can do to protect ourselves as creators and consumers in this fandom. As people who love and appreciate what the creations and people in this fandom have to offer. In simplistic form, I’m saying we need to learn how to shield ourselves from bullies. And there are methods we can use to make ourselves less of a target to the people who go after us, and methods to cut their attacks off short. None of these methods are fool-proof, but they will work to filter out a good majority of the shit we would otherwise be showered by, like a big umbrella against Assholery. Sure, the wind might still blow some in our face and we might splash in a puddle or two by accident, but at least we aren’t soaked.

So let me list the various things that can help you shield yourself from hate/harassment/antis who might just be out to get you.

1) leave the fandom.

The most effective, but least attractive method possible. This is limited to being a last ditch effort, if things have just gotten too hard to handle. I’m covering it first though, because we have to acknowledge that it is a viable method. If you feel trapped, hated, bullied, I’m sure all of us in this fandom would prefer you take a break and leave us for a while in the sake of your own health and safety then stay where you are miserable. This is less of a problem for us though, because mostly this option is gonna be for fandoms where the discourse and attacks are internal. Maribat is largely a peaceful and supportive/healthy environment once you’re inside our little bubble, the main discourse comes from outside in. So let’s focus on the main point of this post— how to keep our bubble from popping.

2) Make it apparent right away that you are Unapologetic.

Whenever you post content or are approached by someone about the topic of your fandom, don’t you DARE ever apologize for liking what you like or posting unproblematic content. You need to make it clear right off the bat that you are not gonna be swayed, bullied, or shamed out of your fandom. Stand with pride and make it clear, but don’t be verbose about it. A simple “Don’t like, don’t read” is classic but sometimes if you’re posting/talking during a more confrontational period of the fandom, you need to up your game to reflect that. The funny thing is, people can easily be intimidated by swearing if it isn’t directed at them or clearly antagonistic. If you’re swearing in a joking, casual or even in a manner that shows you’re not taking yourself too seriously, people will usually avoid picking fights with you. For this, my favorite lines to use on my work include;

“Don’t like, I don’t fucking care. I fell down the rabbit hole.”

“Don’t bother reading if you’re not into this, this shit bitch-slapped me and dragged me along on it’s adventure.”

“I’m addicted to this fandom, don’t bother trying to save me. If it bothers you, I don’t give a fuck. Save yourselves.”

3) Don’t approach or interact

Unless someone comes at you first, never try to persuade someone away from hating us. That just makes you a target in an empty field, for the vultures to surround and gang up on. If someone approaches you with provocative but not overly insulting or intelligent language— I.e; trying to start a fight, vague insults not always relating to the fandom itself, trying to insult your character/judgement— do not respond. Delete the message, block the account, and surround yourself with fluffy good stuff to forget the wanna-be harasser. These people are often not brave enough to outright start a fight, and want you to get defensive first so they know the weak points in your armor to exploit. Defensive statements declare your own insecurities, don’t get defensive. It gives them a way to win without having to defend themselves or feel vulnerable— it’s like exploiting type differences in Pokémon. You wait for an unfamiliar Pokémon to expose it’s type, then snipe it with the moves it’s weak to. Then, you have a near sure-fire win even with under leveled Pokémon on your team.

Don’t be a proud Infernape that gets sniped by a weak-ass level 5 Piplup. We’re strong, don’t show them the chinks in our armor.

4) Have a support network. Even if they don’t know they are your support network.

The fandom as a whole serves this purpose, and this is mostly gonna be a tactic you use when the discourse is inside the fandom, but there can be uses for this in discourse from outside the fandom as well. If someone tries to act like they like your story/art “but...” they passive aggressively state things they “would prefer” or they try to make it sound like you made stupid mistakes (a tactic to make you insecure about yourself) instead of kindly pointing out errors or offering constructive criticism (ex: “you know you put your trigger list somewhere where it’s useless right? Love your story though.)—THESE ARE ALL PROVOCATIONS. They are trying to make you insecure so that you change things about yourself, your work, or jump through hoops to try to “make it up” to them when you did nothing wrong and there are no problems to fix. Do not fall for it! Instead, politely as possible, bring the issue into a public space where you feel safe/trust the people in that space to keep the bullshit from escalating. For me, I straight up explain my reasoning for the placement of my trigger list as if I’m advertising a particularly boring but important product that I’m selling, then offer places for them to bring the issue into a discussion with others. I send them to a discoed group or right here to my tumblr, and I immediately make the issue into a big discussion (do YOU think there is anything to change? Let’s ALL talk about it) so that I am no longer isolated and easy for them to harass. They might refuse to join the discussion and further try to pressure you, but do not cave. Merely say that a public discussion has been started, and if they are actually, legitimately concerned about the way you do things then they can debate it in a public setting. This way, you have back up. 9/10 people who try to target you this way will back off and never enter the conversation you started.

5) Do not fight back.

This sounds counterintuitive, but a lot of the time once discourse gets this bad, arguing/defending/ trying to prove your point only fuels their rage more. I have found that people hate very little in this world more than they hate being wrong. And people who hate being wrong will fight to the bitter death about their opinions, no matter how invalid or hurtful they are, in the favor of their blissful ignorance. Remove yourself from harmful discussions or those that seem to be going in circles as soon as possible, and try to surround yourself in your support group. Never let people make you feel stupid, your opinions illegitimate, or your likes/dislikes invalid or evil.

6) Try to learn how to recognize bullies in disguise

It’s too much for me to try to cover here, but you need to PLEASE look into how to spot gaslighting. Tactics of gaslighting are often used to attack others and try to make them feel like their own opinions are invalid or their mindset untrustworthy. People will often approach you in the guise of friendship/support/ “I am not into this, but...” and while this is not always a red flag, we have to keep our eyes open for any signs of this person or their approach being rooted in anything other than legitimate curiosity or kindness. Not all suggestions that say they are out of concern actually ARE. Keep an eye out for warning signs, and cut off interaction once things seem like they may lead to an argument or you being in a vulnerable position if you continue interacting.

(Brief mention of s**cide and threats in the section below)

7) If all else fails, BLOCK THEM.

No hesitation, we don’t need this shit. They make a second account? Block that too. Don’t respond, only take screenshots or reblog if it is directly harmful information that can/should be documented (words that encourage suicide, threats, insults that seem a little too specific for comfort) and give the evidence to someone you trust to look out for you. A therapist, a family member, or even the authorities if you deem that necessary. Just don’t handle it alone.

We are not responsible for other people’s actions, opinions, or anger. Take the steps to protect yourself instead of trying to reconcile. Sometimes, reconciliation isn’t an option. Both parties have to be willing to reconcile, and it is clear they have nothing in mind but hurting us. So raise your shields and protect yourself and your friends, we’re not gonna lose a war to petty jerks.

[fairycosmos]

lmao im actually so desperate to die im considering swallowing two peach pits just to see if i will choke to death because nothing else ive tried has worked so far . you know what my life doesnt fucking matter ill do it. with my luck it wont work i feel im being punished and thats why i cant die. ill do it. if i dont get back to you something happened but i doubt it. im tired like you said i deserve peace. we do. bye maybe i hope this works this is pathetic but im desperate to die

hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. it seems like you're totally overwhelmed right now and i completely understand how debilitating that can be. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really change how awful it feels, and you're probably not in the headspace to read all this. but if you ever want to come back to it, it'll be here. maybe you could try some of these grounding exercises, here / here and here beforehand to get you in a place where you can focus a little. it's alright, there's no rush or pressure. i just wanted to say first of all that this is not pathetic in the slightest. sometimes the world gets on top of you and you go througn so much trauma and hurt that it really does feel like giving up is the only option. people can only take so much, and i get it. that's the trick of the suicidal brain though, i think. it uses life's suffering and your own past experiences to convince you that it is always going to be this way. to romanticize death and make it into something it isn't in your head. it is actually very hard to die, as i'm sure you know. and it's not the peaceful option or escape you're looking for, either. and the most paramount thing i want to say is that your life 100% does matter. this was never up for debate. you were born with an inherent worth and it hasn't went away just because you can no longer see it. you honestly can't fathom how you've impacted peoples lives, directly and indirectly, and even just the world itself. you don't have to be anybody but who you are, i promise, the whole point is just having the human experience you're having. you're fulfilling your purpose by existing, no matter how hard it is at times. i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me, i honestly think it shows that you have a lot of self awareness regarding what's going on and that you're truly capable of asking for the help that you need. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so it's good to seek an objective perspective from somebody else. this state of mind is so transient, it's so intense that it's not built to last. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is not all there is, no matter how difficult it is to endure currently. you deserve to be here and to exist in a way that heals you, no matter what your mind is telling you. there can be a variety of underlying causes for suicidal feelings, and obviously they're very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome. but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side all you've been through. even though right now i'm sure that's the lastthhing on earth you want to do.

are you currently working with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to get in touch with them as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where your thoughts are at lately so they can focus on upping your level of care. if you're worried about money, there are cost-effective choics available, like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. i know your brain is probably screaming at you to do the opposite, but i promise any baby step in the right direction is going to pay off. the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. you don't have to do anything right now, just know you have options. you honestly do. and talking to someone really is not as bad as your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and treated. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of episodes like this. or to become more prepared for them so they feel less erratic when they do occur. discussing about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes of your suicidal thoughts, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a tangible difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight and broaden your perspective on yourself and on living. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be listened to. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just strangers like me, who are willing to filling that role for you.

idk how it is for you and i won't pretend to, but sometimes suicidal people don't want to lose their lives, they just want to stop living the way they are. with so much chaos and unresolved pain and exhaustion. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to get there. i know when you're in this mindset, any even slightly positive piece of advice just feels impossible to believe. but even if you can't seriously take it on board at the moment, i hope when you're in a more grounded place, you can at least consider as an alternative to absolute hopelessness. you may as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to feel like a curse. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. you are in an extremely difficult moment but that is not your whole existence. the future is ever changing, and you've already made it through the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly self - prioritize. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna make you feel better, it would've by now. welcome the idea of trying something new, maybe just the notion of attempting to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise any sense of self preservation/ survival instinct and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what bullshit your brain is telling you, no matter how heavy your heart is right now . everything is always always always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, it's the one thing you can count on. you deserve to stick around to see it all, and once you've made the decision to do so, you won't feel so stuck and conflicted anymore. i'm going to leave some links that i think might help a little in this moment, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i'm rooting for u a lot and i really hope you are able do the right thing for yourself. if it's all too hard, focus on getting through the next hour. if that's too much, the next minute. and if that's too much, the next second. break it down into what you can handle and let yourself live. and then just go from there. sending you all my love.

list of hotlines

coping with depression

coping with suicidal thoughts

so you feel like shit?

template for creating a safety plan

[buckyscrystalqueen]

Too Smart for Your Own Good: Part 6

Pairings: (Past) Machine Gun Kelly x Reader, (Past and Future) Henry Cavill x Reader

Warnings: Swearing, PTSD, nightmare, abandonment, dick move on Henry’s part.

Word Count: 6,068

A/N: Doesn’t have a completed end yet, but just giving you more content to try to get myself out of a writing funk.

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first night you were back in LA was the first night Henry really slept, but it was at a great cost. You were sound asleep in his arms, when his grip tightened painfully around your chest, but thankfully not around your stomach. You tried calling out his name softly to pull him from his nightmare, but all that managed to do was make him grab ahold of your wrist when you tried to move it to shake him awake.

“Siri, call Dad on speaker.” You said as evenly as you could, as you tried to keep the panic and pain out of your tone. When he grumbled through the speaker, you took as deep of a breath as you were physically capable of to seek his help. “Daddy, I need you to calmly, and quietly come to my room to help me. Henry’s having a nightmare and I can’t get out of his grip to help. But you have to be calm.” You finished quickly when you heard him rush out of bed. “Calm, Negan. Please, for your granddaughter’s sake.”

“OK.” He growled angrily before hanging up the phone a few moments before he pushed open your bedroom door. “What do you need?”

“Get on the bed behind him.” You strained as you shifted your body weight as much as you could to try to pin the arm that was under you to the mattress. “Then lean over him and lay across his upper arm as best as you can. Then grab both of his wrists, gently, but firmly, and hold them. Just be careful of where your elbow is and the baby.”

“Why...?”

“Because I don’t know how he’s going to react to waking him up out of this.” You hissed over Henry’s grumbling. “Just do it.” With a heavy sigh, your father climbed onto your bed and followed your instructions to a t. You glanced up at him as best as you could to see his nod, took a deep breath, and shouted your fiancé’s name. As you expected, his grip tightened the slightest bit in fear, but Negan held on to his wrists so his grip couldn’t tighten any more than that. The next move he made as was expected as to get his arms free to fight back, but with you and Negan placed the way you were, he wasn’t able to get far with that either.

“Henry.” You said evenly and calmly around the knot in your throat. “Henry, you’re OK. You’re home, and you’re safe. It’s (Y/N) and Negan. You’re safe.” You kept repeating yourself for a few more moments until the fight in him completely disappeared, and was replaced with a new kind of panic.

“What did I do?” He asked, fearfully as your dad slowly sat up and let go of his wrists. “What did I do?!”

“You’re OK.” You repeated like a broken record as Negan flipped on your bedroom light for you. “You were having a nightmare and you tensed up around me. Dad just came into help...”

“Did I hurt you?” He asked quickly as he instantly let you go, sat up, and pushed himself across the bed to put as much distance between you as he could. “Did I hurt the baby?!”

“No, you didn’t.” You said as you ran your fingers through your hair and sat up against the head board. “I’m fine, and she’s fine. You weren’t near my stomach...”

“Oh Jesus Christ.” He gasped as he covered his face with his hands for a moment, only to look back at you. “I’m sorry. My love, I am so sorry.”

“It’s OK.” You repeated as you reached out and carefully touched his knee. “We’re all OK...”

“Need me anymore, Princess?” Negan asked as he got off the bed, knowing that if you were truly scared, you would say so.

“We’re OK for now.” You told him as you searched his tired eyes. “Thank you, Daddy. Sorry I woke you.”

“Any time.” He said, seriously. “I’ll leave my phone on.” You thanked him once more as he headed out of your room to smoke a cigarette or two before going back to bed, and you turned your full attention back to your fiancé. 

“You didn’t hurt me, Henry.’ You repeated as you scooted closer to him and very gently picked up his hand. “Feel for yourself. Your arms were here... and here.” He nodded his head and gently traced the path on your skin, feeling for any broken bones, or tender spots you may have had. “You were no where near the baby, who is still squirming away.”

“(Y/N), I’m so sorry.”

“Baby, it’s OK, I promise.” You repeated as you reached up to touch his cheek slowly. “The only reason I called my dad was because I didn’t know how you’d react waking up suddenly like that, and I’m a bitty thing compared to you. I’m not strong enough to hold you still, but Negan is. So I called in reinforcements, but only because I’m pregnant.”

“Goddamnit.” He gasped as he started to tear up. “Darling...”

“Henry, take a deep breath for me.” You interrupted as you scooted a little bit closer. “I’m OK. We’re OK. I’m not mad, and I’m not scared, just a bit shaken. But here’s what we do know. You’re going to have nightmares. And now, knowing that, we can prepare ourselves for them better. There’s so many things we can try...”

“Like me sleeping in a whole different bed.” He interrupted as he reached out for his pillow, but you put your hand on it before he could pull it away. 

“Henry, we have the biggest bed known to man kind.” You giggled. “You’re not going somewhere else. So let’s run through my ideas before we even consider that as a step, OK?” You kept your hand where it was and waited for him to nod, before getting out of bed and pulling open the curtains that lined the glass doors that lined your room. “Free white noise machine.” You told him as you held the buttons that pulled open the doors the same way it did in your living room and most of the west facing rooms in your house. “And lavender essential oils help. We can try weighted blankets, or look into a service dog. We can try journaling or we can start doing nightly meditation before bed.”

“I need to go see someone.” He said as he watched you tie up the curtains to see if you were in pain at all and trying to hide it. “Don’t I?”

“That’s an option, too.” You said with a nod as you came back to bed. “But all of those things need to be exhausted before we consider sleeping in different rooms, because we both know neither of us want that. And you can’t try to keep yourself awake to avoid this, Henry. You’ll only make it worse, you hear me?” He nodded his head and kept watching your face as you laid down on your side and scooted closer to the middle. “So let’s try this for now. We sleep in the middle, with a little space because I know that’s what will make you the most comfortable, and simply hold hands. You can get as close, or as far as you need, but I need to know you’re in bed with me, too. I need you here...”

“OK.” He sighed, hating the idea of possibly hurting you again, but hating the idea of sleeping without you even more. You gave him a reassuring smile as he got back in under the blankets and let you take his hand to hold.

“See?” You asked when he stiffly found an only partially comfortable way to lay, while you turned off the room light. “Not ideal, but it’s what you need for now. And I get that. Just listen to the waves, and focus on just my thumb. Feel it on the side of yours?” He nodded as he searched your eyes in your darkened room. 

“Good. Focus on that. I know we’re both going to be up worrying about the other person for the rest of the night, so if you want to talk, I’m here. And if you don’t, I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere... well, other than the bathroom real quick.” You giggled as you pulled back to run over to your ensuite. “But that’s your daughter’s fault, not mine.” You were only gone a few moments, but when you came back, Henry had scooted even farther back from your spot, causing you to smirk. “You know, I can scoot across this bed, too, mister.”

“You should...”

“I’m not going anywhere, Henry.” You reminded him evenly as you grabbed your body pillow out from under your bed and laid back down in front of him, just far enough away that you couldn’t touch him with your toes without stretching, but so you could still reach his hands. You set up the pillow to make yourself more comfortable, and you could almost see relief on his face at the sight of the cotton blockade. “Yes, I can use this every night.” You answered to his unasked question. “Puts less of a strain on my back when I can’t rest her on your hip anyways.”

“OK.” He whispered as he daringly scooted a half inch closer to you.

“I love you, Henry.” You said softly as you laced your fingers with his and started rubbing his thumb again. “And I’m not mad or scared of you, do you hear me? We are going to get through this together.” He barely nodded in agreement as tears welled in his eyes, which he quickly closed to hide them.

“I love you, too, (Y/N).”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While Henry went to his first appointment with a PTSD therapist, you agreed to go shopping for maternity clothes. It was one thing that you hadn’t wanted to accept, but it was undeniable- your old clothes could no longer stretch to fit your 18 week along bump, and you could only live in bathing suits, and unbuttoned, held closed by hair ties jeans and shorts for so long, anyways. So Henry made you a deal as he tried to close your jeans under your stomach that morning. He’d go to the therapy appointment he’d been indecisive about, if you caved and bought pants that fit. Which meant you both left the house with scowls on your faces, even though yours was for a different reason.

You had barely paid for two smoothies at a place you had never been to before, that was a purposeful choice on your behalf, when your purse started to vibrate under your arm like you were expecting it to. Your heart still skipped a beat as you looked at an old caller ID photo, and answered the call with a small, knowing smirk.

“Baby? You OK?”

“I’m fine…” He said quickly. “I’m sorry… I lied to you.”

“You lied to me?” You asked as you pulled out a pair of reusable straws because you hated the paper ones that a lot of places in LA used now. “How did you lie to me?”

“I was told to tell you that this doctor wanted to do a family consult the first visit. And now, he won’t see me until my family gets here. Which means you…” A small smile pulled at the corner of your lips as you grabbed the two smoothies you had ordered, and nodded at the woman who made them.

“See, now… I vaguely remember a distant conversation…”

“I know.” Henry laughed as you opened the door of your car and set the drinks in the cupholders.

“Could it have been yesterday? No, maybe last week some time…”

“You know as well as I do…”

“Where I asked you if I should be there like my research showed.” You finished over him as you turned on your car, and checked your surroundings to back out of your spot. “You should be glad I still don’t listen to you.”

“I’m sorry, my love.”

“And you should be really lucky I picked the smoothie place that was two blocks away from where your appointment is on purpose, because I knew that no matter how much you swore he never said that…”

“I’m never going to live this down…” Henry said to you and someone in the office. “Never…”

“I hope you still like strawberry, blueberry, and kiwi.” You said as you grabbed a spot next to his Charger and hung up the phone. You grabbed your belongings and headed inside right on time for the therapy appointment, like you had planned since he had made the appointment.

“You are something special.” Henry said as he stood up to kiss your cheek.

“You’ve obviously forgotten who I am, baby.” You laughed as you glanced at the door that was opening to let a patient out.

“You must be Henry.” The man that stayed in the doorway asked with a smile as he took a clip board with Henry’s paperwork from the woman at the desk. “And…”

“(Y/N).” You said as you handed Henry his smoothie so you could shake the therapist’s hand. “Fiancée.”

“Come on back.”

“This why you left before me?” Henry asked as he gently pushed you forward.

“It is.”

“Well thank you for that.”

“OK.” The doctor said as he closed the door behind you in his office. “I’m Doctor Maxwell. Let’s get started…”

——

“So how did you know?” Henry asked as you headed back to get some shopping for both of you done after dropping off his car after his appointment.

“You can’t look at me when you lie to me.” You told him as you reached across the middle console of your Range Rover to rest your hand on his thigh while he drove. “You never have been able to. You always look just to the right, at the little scar I have there…”

“Here is one of the downsides to dating a genius.” He laughed as he squeezed your hand for only a moment at a red light. “She never forgets anything and notices everything.”

“Like an elephant.” You nodded. “I don’t call you out on it, though. Nor do I hold it against you. It’s human nature to conceal things that you believe are not pertinent, or that you believe will hurt or inconvenience the other person. The only person I don’t let it slide from is Negan.”

“I don’t lie often.”

“Twenty-seven times.” You agreed with a nod. “In the four years, seven months, and twelve days we’ve been together, obviously excluding the six years, two months, and twenty-one days…”

“Of course you know that to the day.” He laughed as he pulled into a parking spot in front of the first maternity store you wanted to go to.

“Elephant.” You laughed as you bent over to grab your bag at the same moment your daughter stretched. You felt the hair tie that was holding your pants together pop, and you let out a groaned sigh. “This damn child just broke my pants!” Henry paused before getting out of the car to look over at you while trying to hold back a laugh. “Don’t…”

“Love, that is hysterical!”

“Just… give me your belt.” You hissed as you mentally thanked your father for tinting your windows as dark as he did so your panties weren’t on display for the whole world to see.

“Now aren’t you glad we’re going shopping?” He laughed as he handed you the strip of brown leather.

“You are never going to let me live this down, are you?” You laughed as you wrapped the long belt around you nearly twice, and tied it.

“I will when you let this morning go.”

“Well you just had that one coming.” You laughed as you re-grabbed your purse and got out of the car. “Your fault.” He put his hand on the small of your back and kept you to his right, closer to the shops, down to the Moms the Word store. The two woman working in the small shop both looked up at you, down at your belt situation, and back at you with small shakes of their head.

“Finally gave in and accepted you can’t fit in regular clothes anymore?”

“I didn’t have a choice.” You muttered with a glance up at Henry’s smirk.

“Well let’s get you into shorts that are actually comfortable to wear first, then we’ll go from there. We see this all the time.”

“I’ll be here, darling.” Henry said as he took your bag from you, and grabbed a seat on the circular couch center piece. “Enjoying the show.” You did your best to get everything you could possibly need in one store, but you had no choice but to drag him to a second to finish up. You stopped for lunch at a Greek food cart Ashleigh had shown you years prior, and complained about being to hot to eat outside, so he wasn’t forced to sit in the loud crowd of people gathering for lunch. 

You could tell he was silently grateful when you put up the sun shade you rarely used, and you over exaggerated how nice the AC felt to make him feel just a little less awkward after spilling his heart out about what had triggered him in the past three weeks since he’d been back- which were also all things that you had asked him to do, that made you feel absolutely horrible for putting him through his own personal hell. You gave him to option to either pick stores he wanted to grab clothes from, since a lot of his old ones were just a bit to tight for his new muscles or to head home and call it a day, and in typical Henry fashion, he was in and out of three stores in under an hour with nearly a whole new wardrobe.

“I hate that you can do that.” You said as you got in the passenger side of your car to go home.

“Do what?” He asked as he tossed his bags in the trunk with all of yours, and headed around to the drivers side. “What did I do?”

“I hate that you can go into a store, try on two things, and walk out with like four bags of stuff. Men have it so easy.”

“Oh, don’t be jealous.” He laughed as he pulled out into traffic to head home. “I’m just hitting my breaking point.”

“I figured as much.” You said as you put your hand on his thigh again. “And now, I vote for a nice dip in the pool, maybe a nap…”

“A naked nap?” He asked smoothly with a glance over in your direction.

“You know I’m a big fan of naked naps. Oh, Goddamnit. Just… put it in reverse and run him the fuck over.”

“No matter how much I would love to.” Henry said as he led the honking purple Lamborghini down your street. “I can’t.”

“Pretty please?” You begged with a pout.

“Can’t do it, my love. Don’t want you having my step daughter in prison for vehicular manslaughter…”

“Just yell at Jim that he’s OK to come in.” You said as he pulled into the right lane while you hit the gate button. “Man, he better hope that Negan isn’t home.”

“I’ll take the bags upstairs for you, darling.” He told you softly when he finally pulled into your garage. “Just don’t get too…”

“Who the FUCK do you think you are?!” Negan roared as he stormed out of the house toward the stupidly expensive car. You and Henry both raced out of your car to stop him as Colson got out to confront your dad before confronting you.

“No. Daddy, stop.” You tried as you stopped just short of the two men.

“What, you can’t even bother to tell me you’re fucking back in town? I have to see you on the fucking streets?!”

“Check your fucking voicemails, Colson. I left thirty of them when I was leaving the country, another ten when I was in England, and I left another six when I got back to LA. I also left one hundred and nineteen texts in that time frame, on top of the fourteen emails I sent, and I got ahold of Ashleigh at each stage and had her pass messages on to you as well, which I know she did. So please, tell me what I was supposed to do from there to get your attention, huh? Hire a sky writer? Send up smoke signals, what?”

“Oh, don’t you dare fucking mock me right now. That’s my kid…”

“And right now she’s in my fucking body!” You snapped back.

“And you took her out of the country on vacation…”

“She took me to see my parents.” Henry tried, but you and Negan both reached out to silently tell him to stay out of it.

“It wasn’t a vacation, Colson. Far from it. But it gave us a starting point to what we needed to do to help him get better after he spent six years as a prisoner of war. So excuse me if placating your big, macho ego falls in third on my list of priorities after making sure our daughter is healthy, and making sure my fiancé, who I just got back in my life mind you, is OK. I told you, I don’t play fucking games. So now, you need to leave. You can see I’m back, and you can see I’m healthy. Baby girl is kicking away and happy as can be, but until you want to grow the fuck up, and answer the Goddamn phone when I call you regarding her, you’re not fucking welcome here. We talked about that, remember? Both of us in her life. That means you actually have to fucking do that.”

“You know what, you’re worse than fucking Emma.” Colson said as he pulled open his car door. “With your ‘I’m better than you’ bullshit. And that’s fucking saying something. I’m done. Raise the kid with your rugby loving basket case.”

“I’d think long and hard about making that choice, mate.” Henry said before you could respond as he stepped up to your side with a small shake of his head. “Because I’ve only been back a month, and I’ve accepted the fact that I’ll be raising that little girl for the rest of my life the moment I walked through that door. But that’s what being a man is all about, stepping up when a boy isn’t capable?”

“You son of a bitch!” Colson said as he lunged toward Henry, but Negan jumped between them while Henry moved you back behind him out of the way.

“Get in your fucking car!” Your dad shouted as he pushed your baby daddy back. “Get your fucking shit together, and man the fuck up before you fucking think of coming back!”

“Fuck you!” Colson shouted as he got in his car and angrily slammed the door. “And fuck you for trapping me into this!”

“Oh, I’m gunna fucking kill him.” You growled over the sound of his engine roaring to life as you lurched forward with the intention of knocking him out. Henry caught you carefully around the middle and pulled you back into his chest. “Fuck you!”

“OK, that’s enough excitement for today.” He said gently as he turned you around so you didn’t see Colson mark up your driveway when he peeled out of it. “Let’s go inside, now, before I actually chase him down and run him over with my car.”

“If you do, take the truck.” Negan grumbled as he headed back toward the front door. “Because if you don’t, I will on my way back to the club house.”

“Both of you are wrong.” You said loud enough for your dad to hear, too. “I’ll be the one running him over if any of us do.”

——

You had no idea what heaven really was until you were laying on it. You saw an ad for the Cozy Bump pillow/ pool float pop up on the edge of a website you were reading to review car seats, and you couldn’t stop yourself from buying it because your back depended on it’s existence. It had arrived just that morning a few minutes after Henry had left for his appointment, and you woke up Negan, and his favorite flavor of the week so he would blow it up for you. Which lead you to complete nirvana.

You didn’t even bother putting a bathing suit top, just bottoms as Negan chucked it into the pool to go and get his day started. And you also couldn’t wipe off the giant smile on your face as you took the stairs down from the patio off your bedroom on the second floor down to the first where your infinity pool was. You weren’t even mad at having to swim halfway across the pool to retrieve it. You just wanted to use your damn float! And as you carefully got on, putting your bump in the cut out hole, and situating your breast in their own cut out, you realized that this purchase was the absolute best thing you had ever done in your life. 

That is how Henry found you when he got back, sleeping on your float, in the shade from the upper balcony, holding onto the edge with your foot so you wouldn’t burn in the sun. He softly called your name once, before heading up to the room to put his own swim suit on; deciding that watching you relax sounded much better than his previous idea of a run down the beach. He grabbed himself a beer from the pool bar’s fridge and walked down the steps, putting your foot back on the raft for you so he could hold it still instead.

“You’re alright, my love.” He soothed softly when you startled at the movement. “I’ve got you.”

“Ashleigh’s coming over for a pool date...”

“I’ll get you a top when she calls.” He interrupted with a smile. “Sleep.” You nodded your head and drifted off for a minute, but the small rise in your adrenaline from being startled kept you from falling back asleep completely.

“How was therapy?” You asked as you reached out to grab his knee to pull yourself closer.

“Stressful, as usual. But enlightening.” He sighed as he reached out with his dry hand and pushed your hair back to see your face better. “I think we should start trying to go out for meals. Maxwell suggested that could be a way to desensitize to loud sounds before the baby comes. I just...” He sighed as you opened your eyes to look at him with a small smile, knowing exactly what he was trying to say, but waiting for him to voice it the way he needed to to claim his fear. “I... I don’t want to hurt her and I don’t really know if it’s loud noises that trigger me, or big groups, or if they are even a trigger at all…”

“Are you asking me on a date, Mr. Cavill?” You cooed as you propped your head up on your other arm with an even bigger smile. He met your eyes and his fear slipped away in his smile.

“Why yes ma’am, yes I am.” You nodded your head as your smile grew even more.

“I think I can pencil you in.” He laughed as he set his beer on the side so he could sink deeper into the water with you.

“Just a pencil? I don’t even get a penned in date night?”

“Nope.” You breathed as he turned you so that he could crouch down beside your face. “Now this raft, however. This raft gets penned in.”

“Oh, cheeky!” He laughed as he splashed your back with water. You giggled as you pulled yourself closer with his shoulder so you could kiss him softly.

“I would love to go on a date with you, my love. And I’ll happily do whatever it is you need from me, no questions asked. Well... belly flops are kind of out right now, and so is sky diving...”

“God, I’ve missed your sass.” He laughed as he kissed you once more, before letting go of the raft just long enough to grab your phone. He answered the call from the gate, and told the guard to let Ashleigh in, who knew the override code for your driveway gate and the door by your garage so you didn’t have to get out of the pool. “I’ll go grab a top.”

“Hey, we need to talk about trading your car in.” You said as you pushed yourself up on your elbows while he pulled you over to the side. “Your warranty ends in a few months. We can get you into something new for this new chapter...”

“As long as I’m not getting into a mini van, that’s fine.” He said as he held you just long enough for you to grab the edge of the pool. “Maybe an SUV like yours?”

“Gives us something to figure out at dinner.” You called out as he headed over to the stairs quickly. “And now I’m liking the idea of a mini van!”

“Not happening!” He called over his shoulder as he jogged up the steps. You smiled and laid still for a few more moments, before carefully flipping yourself to the side.

“(Y/N)?!” Ashleigh called out as she stepped out of the elevator at the same time Henry tossed you a mismatched top. 

“Out here!” You yelled as you tied up the straps, and put your raft on the side of the pool. “Love, can you grab the sunscreen?”

“OK, you need to fucking quit pestering Kels.” She said as she dropped her bag on a lounge chair and pulled off her cover-up. “And tell Negan to back off, too. Because Kels is making my life a living hell. Hi Henry, welcome home.”

“Ashleigh, I told him from the get go I wasn’t planning on doing this with him.” You said as you threw your hair in a messy bun, and grabbed your sunglasses from the edge. “If he wants his kids to have a relationship, that’s fine. I can accommodate that because it is not their fault they drew the genetic short straw and Emma agrees with me on that one. But either way, I will always be disinclined to acquiesce to his demands when it comes to my child unless he is willing to follow the same demands himself. 

And I am also disinclined to placate him when he drives to my house, honking his horn and causing a scene because he’s mad he didn’t answer the ample communications regarding my daughter in the first place. I won’t do it. I refuse. My child, my fiancé, and my family... fuck, even my work come before some immature man child who refuses to grow up. If he thinks my daughter will be raised in the way Casie was, he’s got another thing coming. No offense to Emma.” Ashleigh looked a little stunned as Henry simply took the sunscreen bottle from your hands and turned you around in the pool to do your back for you, having heard this same rant the night before as you were getting ready for bed.

“Well damn.” She said after a moment as you did your front and face with the SPF 50. “OK.”

“Look, like I said, I’m in charge here, because I know what his life looks like. I’ve heard all the songs, I’ve read between the lines of his lyrics. I know the life he lives and has lived. And I know what his life is going to look in ten, twenty years from now because of it. And I won’t have my child raised in that. I did not go into this pregnancy to compromise her upbringing with someone else, especially someone who isn’t ready to be the parent he claims to want to be. And I’ve told him that countless amounts of times. So no, I will not quit ‘pestering’ when he crosses a line he drew himself. And no, I will not tell Henry, who is actually ready to be a parent on the same page as I am, not to call my child his daughter and not his step daughter because he will still be around in ten or twenty years, doing right by her. And I will never, ever tell Negan to back off protecting his daughter, and granddaughter. And you can feel free to pass that all along to him. Because from what I’ve learned from Emma, he’s not going to hear it coming from me.”

“So you talk to Emma?” She asked as she grabbed a pineapple float from near the bar and got in the pool.

“I talk to Emma on a weekly basis.” You said with a nod as you grabbed your new float and got back on it with Henry’s help. “I’ve gotten her opinion on how she raised Casie, and how Colson parents her. I’ve talked to Casie about her dad, and what they do when they spend time together. And I’ve talked to both of them about how they feel having me and the baby integrate into their lives, and how we could go about doing that with, or without Colson. He said he wanted his daughters to be in each other’s lives, so I will do that for them. But I won’t subject her to his tomfoolery.”

“Who uses that word now, my love?” Henry teased as he sat in his favorite chair raft and kicked his feet up on the edges of your float so he was keeping you close to him and out of the sun.

“Shut up.” You laughed with a glance back at him.

“He’s a good person, (Y/N).” Ashleigh sighed, knowing that you were right and being fair as she hooked her feet on the edge of the pool in the sun to work on her tan. “He really is. He’s just...” She sighed and shrugged her shoulders, which made you nod.

“He never had to grow up.” You finished for her. “And his drug use stunted the mental capacity to do so. And I don’t hold that against him.”

“I kinda do.” Henry said as he slowly started rubbing your feet for you.

“And even if Henry does, he understands where I’m coming from when I say I’ll let him in her life. But the quicker Colson realizes that I am not going to cater to the bullshit, the faster he will be able to spend time with the child he wants in his life. On my terms. In my home. Away from the drug use, and the partying, and the revolving door of women. Negan has to live by the same rules here, so I know I’m not being ridiculous, and I know it’s possible. He’s not exempt unless there’s a lock down. And he knows that if I can’t lock down here, we will be locked in his bedroom, completely off limits from the rest of the club like I was when I was a child, or more likely, we will flying to England to visit Henry’s parents, or to another safe place until it’s safe to come home and be in my own home again.”

“As your cousin, and a mother, and someone who sees his lifestyle on a daily basis, and who knows yours, I get it. I’m not holding it against you. This was never a match up I saw just falling into place. But I’ll talk to him, OK? Maybe she can be the one that can help make the changes he needs, not just for his own life, but to be an even better father to Casie as well. Not that he’s a bad father to her as is.”

“Never said he was.”

“I know.” She sighed with a nod. “It’s just... man, you guys got me stuck between a rock and a hard place.”

“That I will apologize for. But only that.”

Part 7

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Fifty Eight

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

November 8th, 1998

“Emile, I told you you’d worry yourself sick if you didn’t take a break,” his mother sighed as she tried to force Emile back into bed. “You need to rest.”

“I need to make sure Faith is okay!” he protested. “Resting can wait!”

“Emile, you’re running a medium-grade fever and you’re shaking like you’re going to pass out at any moment,” his mother said, gently pushing Emile back onto the bed. “You need to rest if you have any hope of continuing to help your friends later.”

Emile pouted. “As soon as you let me leave the house again I’ll be checking up on her.”

“Then you’re not leaving the house until you’re better,” his mother said simply. “Rest up, honey, please. You’ll feel so much better if you do.”

  March 16th, 2002

“Remy, this is really unnecessary—”

“—No, Emile, I’m not arguing with you on this,” Remy insisted, leveling Emile with a glare as he pulled the blankets over Emile’s shivering form. “You worked all of last weekend helping friends with mental health issues, and then you take five shifts at Target all because one of your coworkers gave you those puppy dog eyes, and you still did all your school work on top of that, and now you’re exhausted and running a fever. You are staying in bed and you will not be pushing yourself that hard ever. Again. Or else you will be getting an earful from me. Understood?”

Emile coughed and tried to glare right back at Remy, but the effect was dampened by the sheer amount of shaking Emile was doing. When Remy arched an eyebrow, Emile sighed. “Fine,” he groaned. “I won’t push myself that far. I’ll take a day’s break next time.”

“No, there is no ‘next time,’ Emile!” Remy exclaimed. He started pacing the length of the bedroom and all Emile could do was watch. “You always do this! You’re always pushing yourself to be faster, or smarter, or stronger, so that you can do more work, help more people, do whatever needs to be done. And inevitably you almost pass out, or you actually do pass out, or you injure yourself, or you literally work yourself sick. You are staying in bed, and there will not be a ‘next time.’”

Emile sighed. He appreciated that Remy cared. Really, he did. But he couldn’t just stop. “Rem, my friends need me, and we need the extra money from Target, and my classes have to be passed if I want to keep my financial aid. I have to keep up with all of those things.”

“We don’t need the extra money so bad that you work yourself sick,” Remy insisted. “Now we’re just gonna be spending the extra cash on cold medicine, or antibiotics from the doctor’s if you keep this up. And just because none of your friends were suicidal doesn’t mean they weren’t hurting you with those problems. No one has to be my level of extreme before they start causing damage. And a B is a passing grade, Emile. You don’t need a four-point-oh GPA in order to go to grad school to become a therapist.”

Emile leaned into the pillows and groaned. “You don’t understand, Rem. They need me.”

“And they need other people, too. You can’t just have one person as your entire support system. That’s not healthy. I should know. I put that burden on Toby and later on you. And it didn’t end well for anyone involved,” Remy said, crossing his arms and glaring at Emile. “Take a break.”

Emile searched Remy’s face, looking for any crack in his resolve to exploit. Normally he wouldn’t, but these were not normal circumstances. When he found none, he sighed. “You don’t want me to do this again, but...I have to, Rem. I have to make sure they’re okay.”

Remy shook his head. “No, Emile. I’m not arguing with you on this. You’re not going to push yourself past your limits again.”

Emile made a disgruntled noise. “Remy—”

“—No.”

“But Rem—”

“—I said. No.” When Emile opened his mouth to speak again, Remy beat him to the punch. “Every time you push yourself past your limits, I get scared. I’m legitimately terrified that whatever pushed you past those limits is going to wind up hurting or killing you. Ever since I found out you were pushing past your limits to try and help me before you found me a therapist, I’ve wanted to make sure that you don’t get hurt. But you make that a near-impossible job, Emile. For all your talk about not endangering your health, you certainly do it often.

“You pushed past your limits for way longer than you should have before you directed me to a therapist. You go out of your way to help your friends, even if you feel dead on your feet. When you took your friend to the local audition and wound up having a part to play yourself? You nearly passed out—more than once, might I add—after the show was over. Even with your grandfather. If I hadn’t stepped in, you would have taken every last hit your grandfather dished out. Silently. Not showing any hurt, to anyone, but especially not to me, because you wouldn’t want me to feel guilty over you taking that hit for me. In your desire to protect your friends, you’re left damaging yourself, don’t you see that?!”

Emile turned red. Since when could Remy read him so easily? “Okay, okay. You’ve proved your point that this hurts me,” Emile sighed. “But...how do I just...stop? I can’t just cut them off or ignore them when they’re struggling and I have the capacity to help.”

“You wouldn’t be doing either of those things. If someone calls you, or texts you, asking if you can help, all you say is, ‘I’m not in a position where I can help you right now. Can we talk later?’ It’s that easy.” Remy shrugged. “Look, they’re my friends too, Emile. I care about them, however reluctant I may have been to accept that fact at first. But I can’t help them twenty-four-seven, and neither can you. The only difference is that I stop when I know I’ve pushed myself too far. You realize that you’re approaching your limit, or that you’ve passed your limit, and you keep going, because people still need your help, in your mind.”

“They do need my help—”

“—They need help, period. Not your help specifically. Isn’t that why you took me to a therapist? You couldn’t do it on your own and you knew that if I kept pushing you it would end ugly for both of us. You could refer them to a therapist or a psych if it gets bad enough, or just say that you need to focus on yourself for a bit. That’s not bad, it’s not selfish. It’s self-preservation. And frankly, honey, you need a hell of a lot more of that than you already have.”

Emile pulled a face. He knew Remy had a point, but he didn’t want to admit that fact. “What if they get hurt because I didn’t help them?” he asked. “What if they hurt themselves because I didn’t help them?”

“That’s not on you, honey,” Remy said, sitting down on the side of the bed and putting his hand on Emile’s shoulder. “Taking care of yourself and your own needs every once in a while is more than healthy, it’s necessary.”

Emile groaned. “I just...I worry. I can’t help it. I worry about them.”

“I know you do,” Remy said. “So do they. Everyone you’re friends with knows you care about them. Which is why they won’t be concerned you’re blowing them off if you say you need some time to yourself.”

“Remy...” Emile could feel his frustration building. Remy had a point, but couldn’t he see that this mattered to Emile? That he was willing to make the sacrifices necessary to keep his friends safe? “You don’t understand.”

Remy crossed his arms and huffed. “I understand that you’re concerned about your friends. I understand that you’ve lost more of them than you’d care to count. I understand that you’re scared of losing more. I understand your reluctance to take time for yourself when you perceive that you’re needed elsewhere. I understand that when you feel backed up against a wall with all your responsibilities looming overhead, you're more likely to disregard your safety in favor of getting rid of some of those problems. Because you don’t want to worry. But don’t you understand? I worry about you when you push yourself too far. Theo called earlier asking if you were okay because you looked feverish when you talked yesterday. Everyone worries about you when you push yourself too far.”

“But—”

“—Honey, everyone will be relieved if you say you’re taking time to focus on yourself. Trust me. No one will be mad, no one will do anything hasty just because you say you need rest.” Remy shook his head. “You need to stop pushing yourself so much.”

Emile sighed. Remy had all the logical points on his side, and Emile had none. Didn’t mean that he was going to be happy about it, though. “Fine,” he grumbled. “I’ll rest a little more often.”

“All I ask is that you rest when you’re pushing your limits,” Remy said. “The rest of the time, you can worry yourself sick over your friends.”

“I’m already sick,” Emile said weakly.

“Yeah, I know, and I was genuinely worried about this continuing for a hot minute,” Remy said.

Emile sighed. “You know...this is completely off topic, but I think we should upgrade to a Queen. Or a King.”

“As in...” Remy paused. Stood. “As in with beds?”

“Yeah,” Emile said, looking up at Remy. “We cuddle in each others’ beds so much, and we’ve shared tiny beds together before. Upgrading to a Queen would mean we both have space and we don’t have to worry about someone falling off the bed when cuddling. Do you think it’s too soon?”

“Not particularly,” Remy said. “You just...took me off guard, is all.”

“The other good thing about that is that you could force me to relax by cuddling me aggressively in bed until I do what you say,” Emile joked.

Remy actually perked up at that and Emile regretted giving Remy ideas like this from his jokes. He never learned, even though he should have come to expect this sort of thing from Remy. Taking jokes seriously and actually using them as if they were a viable option. “That’s a good idea.”

“That was a joke, Rem.”

“A joke that I will turn into reality,” Remy said definitively. “We’re getting a Queen. Slightly cheaper than a King, and both of us can still fit comfortably, and I can cuddle you until the sun goes away.”

Emile groaned. “Remy, I’m sick, go easy on me, please.”

“All right, all right, I won’t give away all my evil plans to get yourself to give you a break. Besides, it might help to keep a thing or two up my sleeve, anyway,” Remy said.

Emile patted the bed. “You afraid of germs? Or are you willing to cuddle?”

“We live in the same apartment, mio amore. Something tells me that if I’m going to get sick it’s not going to matter whether I cuddle you or not,” Remy said. He took off his socks and lifted up the covers, saying, “Scoot over.”

Emile rolled his eyes but complied and he and Remy just snuggled for a while. He sighed. “What are we gonna do about whichever room is no longer one of ours?” Emile mumbled.

“I dunno,” Remy admitted. “Some point or another it might become an office, when you’re a therapist and you need somewhere to work at home. Until then...uh...guest room?”

“I guess,” Emile said. The gears were whirring in his head, and it might have just been because he was sick, but he was thinking about an office that both of them might use. “What if you started your own shop?”

Remy laughed. “That old pipe dream? I’ve given up hope on getting the money for a property, Emile. I can buy the food, the advertising, hire people, and all that, if I save my money properly. But I can’t afford to rent, let alone buy, a property where I could start my own coffee shop.”

“Y’know, we should probably start saving more money anyway,” Emile mused. “Emergency funds, retirement, all that good stuff.”

“I guess,” Remy sighed. “I do like getting to go on dates with you, though.”

“So let’s make it a once a month thing, instead of twice, and go to places that don’t charge too much,” Emile reasoned. “Saving our money is important. Especially if we’re going to be splurging on a bed.”

Remy laughed. “True.”

Emile grinned. He was getting a crazy idea, and it might have been because he was sick, but Remy had been passed on promotions before. And if they saved properly, he knew they could get a shop off the ground.

[miss-choco-chips]

College au part 2

Home, a place where I can go to take this off my shoulders- someone take me home (Machine Gun Kelly, X Ambassadors & Bebe Rexha – Home)

They are there for each other, the good and the bad. That’s what family is for, after all.

-.-.-.-.-.-

-I'm so gay -sighed Miguel almost dreamingly, stopping next to Slobo by the doors leading to the backyard.

Blissfully unaware of them, Tim was going through his usual routine of what seemed a mix of gymnastics, various martial arts and parkour, with a side of dancing to spice things up.

His friend snorted without even raising his eyes from the motorcycle engine he was trying to fix. A blasphemy, in Miguel's humble opinion, to have such an amazing view and to not take advantage of it.

-I know.

He dropped to the ground, head resting on Slobo's shoulder, gaze unwavering in his appreciation of slim muscles and perfectly controlled strength. Tamed power to the fullest.

-I mean like, really really gay.

-Yeah, what else is new? Pass me the motor oil.

He blindly patted the ground for it, picking something vaguely shaped like a can and thrusting it to where he thought were the other's hands.

When Tim bends over and starts stretching, Miguel wheezes and drops the can.

-I'm so stupidly, non functionally gay.

Slobo rolled his eyes and picked it up, his other hand going to close Miguel’s jaw.

-Dude that's all old news. Either come here with fresh gossip, be helpful, or leave. I don't need you making a mess of my stuff. You are getting your hormones all over my individual bubble.

Miguel sighed again, eyes almost physically turning into hearts when Tim stretched his arms over his head.

-Fuck, I can’t handle this much inner gay. It’s overwhelming.

-Nothing inner about it, dude. You’re dripping it all over my work station. Can’t you go be a disaster gay somewhere else?

-Tim is here, so no can do.

-Can’t you just ask him out and save us all the pining show and second hand embarrassment? 

A few meters away, Tim had taken out the bo staff and was practicing some moves. He accidentally brushed a branch (a thick one, from the pine tree Kon’s grandparents had made him plant upon moving there), and snapped it in half. He seemed kinda sheepish about it, which was both adorable and terrifying. Miguel was scared and horny.

-He’d destroy me.

Slobo hummed, hand reaching up to pat Miguel in the shoulder.

-Sounds like something you’d be kinda into, though.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

-This coffee tastes like dirt -complained Tim, while chugging half the pot in one long gulp. 

Distantly, Cassie noted there was still steam coming out of the liquid. Hadn’t Tim just brew it? Also, was it completely dark? No sugar? 

Like her future?

Despairingly, she let her head fall again on the table.

-Why did I get into politics?

-Your pathological need to fulfill Diana’s expectations -replied Cissie, sitting across from her, long hair in what could have been a bun once upon a time but now looked more like a bird’s nest. That had been hit by lighting. Repeatedly.

It strangely suited her. Or it could be Cassie’s adoration for her friend speaking, who the fuck knows.

-Which, I might add -interjected Tim, not waiting for them to say ‘you may’ before continuing. Because he was a rude bastard like that- you invented by yourself. Diana only hopes you don’t end up in jail. And if it's for the right causes, she might even forgive that. 

He dropped to the ground for no discernible reason, back to the cabinets where they kept the fine cutlery they never used. He was staring at the halfway empty pot like it contained the key to conquering mankind.

Knowing Tim, it might actually be true.

-Don’t try to take over the world -she asked, worried he might. Cissie made a confused sound, not privy to Cassie’s internal monologue, but Tim just nodded distractedly, which was all she needed before turning back to her half done paper.

-How are you doing, sis?

-Sis like sister, o Ciss like Cissie? -came Tim’s voice from behind her, probably still sitting on the ground. 

-Yes.

-Oh -the girl in front of her blinked- sorry, you were talking to me? 

-I mean… Tim is not ‘sis’.

-I resent that, I totally could be. Also, seriously, why does my coffee taste like dirt?

-Don’t drink it then. You were saying, honey?

Cassie rested her chin on a hand, elbow carefully to the side of her paper. 

-How are you doing?

-Wondering why did I ever thought studying psychology was a good idea. Why? Who started me on this path, and can I punch them? -her voice raised higher and higher the more distressed she got- Tim? Do you remember?

-Your therapist back in high school got you out of your toxic home life and helped you basically re-build your sense of self worth. Also you like to get into everyone’s business so Kon suggested making a career out of it.

-Remind me to punch him later.

-You could break your hand, and you have an archery competition this friday.

-Kick him, then.

-Got ya.

-Can I just die? -interjected Cassie, phone at hand. Her screen displayed a text sent by a classmate, who updated her on their due date. Apparently, she had calculated wrong and it was way sooner than what she thought- What’s the worst that could happen if I die? I’m sure people would get over it.

-You’d be losing all the progress you made in your career so far -reminded her Cissie.

Tim’s voice joined from behind- Included, but not limited to, that one class you had with the douche professor. Imagine if you lost your progress and had to start over. Imagine having class with him again.

She shivered- That was both incredibly motivational, and unholily terrorizing.

Greta entered the kitchen then. She looked fresh and cute, which was probably due to her having a full night’s sleep.

-Wow, you three have been here the whole night? -she asked, obviously concerned, looking over Cissie’s shoulder at her assignment- Did you guys even make progress? At all? -her eyes discovered Tim’s half assed project, on the place next to where Cissie sat.

If Cassie didn’t love her so much, she would punch her in the face.

Tim sighed.

-I can’t get up. I can’t feel my legs -he admitted. Cassie thinks, she should be worried. Losing sensibility seemed like a serious problem. But, whatever, Greta was here, and she was perfectly well rested. Let her take care of the worrying.

-Tim? Oh my god, are you alright? -she rushed to his side.

-I think the coffee stopped making effect, and my three-on-a-row all nighters caught up to me. Just let me die, Greta. If coffee is not longer working on my body, I might as well let the grim reaper do its thing. 

Cassie couldn’t see her any longer, since she was at her back by Tim’s side, but she could still somehow sense her concern growing.

-Tim... Did you use this bag by the coffee maker to brew it?

-I can’t move my head to look up at what you’re pointing, but I guess I did.

-Oh, honey… that is soil for Kon’s vegetable plot. Not coffee grounds.

-...so that’s why it tasted like dirt. Thank god. Excuse me while I faint.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

-I think Conner is dead on our living room -announced Miguel entering the kitchen. Slobo, Anita and Greta didn’t even blink, just kept their... poker? game going.

-He’s probably just sleeping -the other man waved a hand dismissively- Did you check his pulse or something?

-Ew, no. What if he’s really dead? I don’t want to touch a corpse. Greta, you go touch it.

-Why me? 

-If anyone will need to put their fingerprints in a veritable crime scene, who better than the only one with no criminal record?

-Tim doesn't have it either, go knock on his door and tell him to do it. I’m about to swindle both these jerks.

-There’s a difference between never getting caught by the police, and erasing all virtual proof of your crimes. Tim belongs to the second group. Also, last I checked, he and Bart were working on something on his room. I’m not approaching that danger zone without protective equipment.

-Speaking of -Slobo raised his head, looking around- has anyone bought them food in the last couple of hours?

-Kon, probably. 

-He is dead -he reminded them- Cassie and Cissie are still asleep, and I’m not waking them up. Greta?

Out of their group, Conner was Tim and Bart’s official handler (when Tim was not micromanaging them all, at least; little control freak).  Many people believed he lifted at the gym to get all the girls; in truth, as the boy had once told Miguel, it was so he could carry both his friends to bed in one trip to tuck them in at the same time, because if he did it separately, the one that got to be second always tried to make a run for it. 

In the event he was unavailable, Cassie took over. Her skills with a lasso and years of practice at the rodeo came in handy then, and it never failed to crack him up when he saw how swiftly she caught them both.

And if she wasn’t close or was busy, then Cissie took over for Bart and Greta for Tim, as they could only handle one at the time.

The rest of them were last resource. Second to last was Jason Todd, who as both Tim’s brother and Bart’s TA held a fair amount of power over them.

If Jason told them to fuck off, then Slobo, Miguel and Anita would talk it out among themselves. Slobo would suggest knocking them out. Which, considering Bart’s speed and Tim’s mindblowing ninja training (and where the hell did he learn that, they would never know), wasn’t a very realistic option. Anita suggested drugs; but between Bart’s ADHD medication and Tim’s antibiotics for his lack of spleen and antidepressants, the adverse effects made them all a little uncomfortable with the idea.

Miguel’s own suggestions, which involved a lot of tender care and coddling, where ignored with a few laughs and a shrug.

-Fuck you, I’m not leaving this table so close to cleaning you both up. If you are worried, you go feed them.

Slobo shrugged.

-If they die, I call Tim’s room. Having a roommate is the worst.

-Excuse you -raised an eyebrow Miguel, walking to the fridge for a drink. He might as well watch the game.

-If I have to listen to you practicing your singing before showering one more time...

-If I can deal with you cursing at your phone at five am, you can deal with my melodious voice -Miguel blinked- That’s not poker.

-We are playing Truco.

-What?

-It’s a popular game in Argentina, or so Tim said. He taught us when he was having a coffee break this morning. And by the way: Truco, bitches!

-I’m in! -Slobo yelled back.

Greta looked at her cards impassively, then at the ones laying on the table between the three of them, before raising an eyebrow- I call Re Truco.

Miguel watched them go for a while. He wasn’t sure on the rules, but from the way they kept yelling, he knew it was highly competitive. It also seemed to involve a great amount of deceit, bullshiting and being as poker faced as possible. It made sense that Tim had been the one introducing them to the game. Speaking of…

-Maybe if I knock on the door with a coffee offering, he’ll listen to me without punching my nose in? -he mumbled to himself, aware that the others were ignoring him. Decided to test his luck, he climbed to his feet and readied the coffee maker.

The rest of the afternoon saw Miguel sitting on Tim’s bed, watching from the sidelines how both he and Bart built… something. It had a chainsaw and a mini shield, so maybe a fighting bot? There were some (not very legal) competitions around campus...

It was almost dinner time when he remembered a tiny, small detail.

-Man, I’m so hungry. You guys think dinner is ready? -asked Bart, hand sweeping the sweat off his forehead- Who was in charge of it tonight?

Lightning-like realization hit Miguel.

-Oh, yeah, speaking of that… Kon was probably dead, last time I checked. Maybe we should order a pizza or something?

-Cool, I could do pizza. 

-I’m sorry, Kon was what?!

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

-You guys need jobs -told them Tim one morning over breakfast. They had just moved in together, and classes were about to start. Nobody seemed willing to talk about responsibility yet, but he felt like they needed the push to do it.

-I have a job -proudly smiled Bart, eyes never leaving the TV where his character was beating Kon’s into a bloody plump. He didn’t elaborate past that, and Tim made a mental note to investigate further later. Bart’s career was enough, they needn't add another unsolved mystery.

-Where is this coming from, though? We have loads of time for that -scoffed Slobo, watching the game intently.

-Classes are starting soon, and people will be getting all the good jobs. I did some calculations, and the money you guys have been saving for living expenses will run out in two, three months tops. Greta has the coffee shop thing and Cassie just got called back from the movie theatre, but the rest of you need to find some money maker. Stat.

-And what about you? -threw Cissie back, internally agreeing with him but despising the reality check.

Tim looked at her, completely deadpan. Silently, he took out his wallet, fishing three cards (one silver, one golden and one black) from it and showing them to her.

-Even before being adopted by a billionaire, I already was a rich trust fund baby. And now that I’ve said it, I’m gonna avoid getting punched by making my exit. Good luck job hunting.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Cassie and Anita’s room was ground floor, along with the kitchen, living room, laundry area, a medium size bathroom with a shower, and a very small one with only the toilet and sink. The second floor housed Bart and Conner’s room, along with Miguel and Slobo’s, and Cissie and Greta’s, plus the biggest bathroom, with both a tub and shower. The attic had been claimed by Tim, who won that right by paying the deposit for the house on top of his part of the rent. It was the biggest room, the size of the entire house without partitions, with only one separation in the form of the small sized bathroom. He loved his room, would pay twice what he coughed up to have it. It was worth it, every cent.

He loved his attic; The bathroom, however, was another thing. It ran out of warm water constantly.

-This is the second time this month. I love you, but you aren’t burrowing our bath -denied Cissie firmly, arms crossed as she waited outside the door for Greta to finish her shower-. If it was any other day I’d say yes, you know I would, but you aren’t the only one that needs to get ready for the movie, and there’s six of us sharing here. Go ask the girls.

Defeated but understanding, he went another floor down, arms full with his skin and hair care products (he had a image to keep, and one never knew when paparazzi would be around; he and his brothers had a steady competition on who got caught in camera being a ugly mess the least, that he wasn’t willing to lose) and clean clothes. 

Anita shrugged when she opened the door, still naked except from her towel and hair dripping.

-Yeah, Cassie already took hers. Just remember to lock the door, dude. Since its ground floor bathroom, someone always tries to get in to pee when you’re showering, it’s annoying. Also, don’t come at me with complains about hair in the drain, okay? 

Thankful beyond caring, he nodded and hurried towards it.

He wasn’t expecting what he found there. Already halfway to the shower, he stopped to leave his folded clothes on top of the cabinet near the sink when he saw...

-Why are there weapons here? -he couldn't help but scream, clutching a towel to his naked chest. He felt distinctly like a victorian lady preserving her virtue from a foe. It was a very curious feeling.

-I said no judgements!! -Anita yelled back from across the hallway.

-Yeah, regarding hair on the floor! Nobody said anything about weapons!

-So I forgot my katana there after my shower, big deal. Just don’t fall on it, problem solved.

-No, I’m used to seeing your katana, but why the fuck do you girls have cat shaped brass knuckles?

-They are cute and useful! Aren’t you taking a shower, dude? The movie starts soon!

Deciding that this wasn't a battle worth picking, he turned on the warm water. Ahh, nice, wonderful hot water.

-Oh, Tim! -came Cassie’s yell- Don’t lock the door, forget what Anita said! I need to put on my make up and that mirror is better than the one in our room.

-I’m gonna be showering though.

-And?

Yeah, she had a point. Shrugging, he made sure the door was unlocked before stepping under the water and closing the curtain.

He heard her coming in and rummaging through one of the little bags he saw on the sink cabinet. He couldn't help but ask.

-Why do you guys keep weapons here?

-They are for when we are most vulnerable.

-With thighs like yours you’re never vulnerable.

-I love you. But just pretend I have noodle legs, for argument’s sake.

-Mkay. 

-Well, name one instance when you’re more weak and exposed than when you’re taking a shower.

-...Yeah, I follow. Still seems a bit excessive, but I do like that pointy needle thing you have by the blow dryer. I need to get my sister one of those, cute and deadly like her.

-That? Oh, honey, no, that’s a hair pin. 

-If you put your hair in a bun and use that as an ornament, you’d never be unarmed, that’s all I’m saying. Again, cute and deadly. 

-...You’ve opened my eyes.

-You’re welcome. May I borrow your eyeliner?

-Sure, but why? You don’t usually use makeup.

-If I make myself long enough wings, maybe I’ll be able to fly away from my problems. Or look fabulous enough to not care about them.

-In moments like this I’m reminded of my undying love for you. Do my eyes too.

-Gotcha.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

He came home five minutes after receiving the text, chest heaving from the run and heart beating furiously for a entirely different reason.

Cassie, phone at hand, was waiting by the door. Her eyes were solemn.

-What happened? -he asked, not bothering with niceties as he stepped in and closed the door behind him.

-Family dinner went wrong -she shrugged-, not that he told me. Bart was playing games when he walked in and he texted Jason, who told him, and then he came to me.

Fuck them, Kon thought uncharitably. The Waynes were both an awesome family, and boarding on toxic. Guessing which kind were they going to be any given week was like playing lottery. It was such a Murphy law thing that they went for shitty this particular weekend, where Tim could have used their love and support the most.

-How is Jason? -he asked, not that he cared too much, but because he knew Tim would want to know sooner or later.

-Bart didn’t say, but he did mention he was hanging out with Kori and Roy, and Artemis said in the family group chat to not bother her tonight, so I’m assuming she’s there too.

-Biz is still at the farm, but three is better than nothing -he sighed, taking off his coat and walking towards the stairs- Bart?

-He just convinced Tim to take a bath in the big tub, so he’s probably standing guard by the door.

A nod, Kon’s steps hurried with purpose now that he had a clear destination in mind.

-The others?

Cassie waved vaguely towards the arch on the wall leading to the living room. Kon could see someone moving there from the corner of his eye, but didn’t turn to check; he wouldn't be derailed from his path.

-Greta went to the attic to clean Tim’s room a bit. You know he doesn't have the strength to do it himself right now, but seeing it like that also makes him feel worse. Cissie and Anita are readying the living room for a movie night, picking up all the pillows and blankets in the house. A pillow fort might be in the making.

They were on the second floor now. Kon could see Bart ahead, back resting against the wall, just by the side of the door.

-Slobo ran to Tim’s favorite pizza place -Cassie kept going, keeping pace with him- and should be back soon; Miguel went to the store to buy comfort food, sweets and stuff. Ice cream too, probably.

Conner nodded again, glad to see everyone was following their protocol for these kind of situations. All their housemates accounted for, he stopped in front of Bart and patted his shoulder comfortingly. He was very empathetic, tended to pick up on everyone’s moods, specially Tim’s, and let himself be influenced by them. The shadows on his eyes were probably a mirror image of how their friend currently taking a bath was doing. Not so hot, apparently.

-I’ll take it from here, you guys go put on your pajamas and help the girls get everything ready -he suggested, eyes going to Cassie’s. She nodded, understanding that her mission now was to calm Bart down. Helping Anita and Cissie would do wonders for him.

On most situations, the group tended to follow Tim’s lead, their indisputable commander in chief; when he couldn’t be there, or was too emotionally compromised, Cassie would take over. However, in this particular scenario, everyone deferred to him for some reason. Maybe because he’s been with Tim for the longest time, maybe because he knew him best. It didn’t matter; all he cared about was that it made his work easier, and they seemed glad to have a task they could focus on, rather than dwelling in concern.

Softly, he rapped his knuckles against the door.

-Tim? I’m coming in, dude -he informed him, voice low as to not spook him if he was dissociating. The last they needed was him slipping in the shower.

When no answer came, he entered the steamy bathroom, door closing behind him. As Cassie had predicted, Tim was sitting in the almost full tub, knees hugged to his chest and chin resting above them. His eyes went to Conner when he approached him though, which was a good enough sign to make him visibly sigh in relief.

Tim’s eyes narrowed, as if he wanted to snap at him that he didn’t need them to take care of him, but then he just deflated and looked ahead again, not nearly strong enough to fight.

Knot growing on his chest, Kon sat by the tub’s edge- Hey there. You’re not looking very cool right now. Have I ever told you I despise like 66% of your family?

-Three out of six is not 66%.

-Three? I only like Alfred and Cass.

-You don’t dislike Jason.

-I mean, it varies from moment to moment. But I’ll give you that since you’re feeling bad, and concede on 50%.

Tim snorted a little, and his eyes didn’t look as dead as they had when Kon first came in, so he gave himself infinite Best Friend points.

-Want to talk about it? -he asked gently, hand on Tim’s wet shoulder. He felt more like saw him shrug.

-Nothing to tell, really… It was more of the same shit. I love them, but sometimes they…

-Don’t make it easy, huh?

-...yeah. I don’t even know why I’m so fucked up over it, I’m used to this.

Kon squeezed his shoulder- Your psychiatrist warned you, this week was gonna be tough even without the family drama.  Your body is adjusting to the new medication, and it…

-Yeah, yeah, I know -he sighs, sinking deeper into the water- I just… I just hate this. That my brain works like that, that I worry you all, that I can’t just fucking deal with it alone. You know what Jack used to say about mental illness…

-A stupid bastard’s words shouldn't be taken seriously. And you know we don’t like the J word in this house, it’s one of the rules.

Tim’s smile, small and tentative, was a thing of beauty. It never failed to remind Kon why he put so much effort into making the situation better for his friend, when he saw that it actually did help.

-You guys can’t just erase my father from my memory by sheer force of will and avoidance of the topic.

-Sure we can -he gave his shoulder a  light pat-. The boys will be here soon with food, and I heard a movie night is in order. You done with your bath? We could stay here longer if you want to, though.

Tim’s smile grew a little bit, cheeks warming, delighted despite himself at the love and care that was being bestowed upon him. Some time ago, he might have fought them over it; the progress was hard earned, but Kon wouldn't change a single thing about it.

-Yeah, I just have to put conditioner on and comb my hair -he hesitated a bit, glancing down at his arms hugging his legs and probably weighing their strength-. Could you, uh… do it for me?

Kon had already been reaching for the bottle even before he asked.

There was little he could do to help Tim, medical wise. But there were professionals for that, and after many late night talks and specially bad episodes, Tim had gotten better at seeking their help when needed.

What he could do was no less important, though; making sure their home was a safe, supportive, non-toxic place for him to come back to.

That’s what best friends-- what family was there for.

[daniellesimagines]

Try It Again (Ashton Irwin) - Part 1 *

submitted by @palayeeeroyale

Trigger warning: Rape, PTSD, having to use a safe word (idk if being in a ‘needing to use the safe word’ situation is a trigger but i’d rather be safe than sorry)

~

Seven months ago, someone had violated you sexually. It wasn’t like you were asking for it; all you had on that day was your boyfriend’s hoodie over a Green Day shirt, and a pair of skinny jeans. And it wasn’t like you didn’t try to put up a fight; it was just you couldn’t. You didn’t know what he drugged you with, or how he got it, but you knew one thing: this guy wanted you to suffer. 

This drug paralyzed you – you couldn’t move, scream, and blinking was barely an option – but your mind was wide awake. It was some drug that doctors used, so you don’t know how he managed to get his hands on it. But you could remember everything: the pain on your lower half, the disgusting smell of his breath, the sound of him getting off to your agony, everything. 

This, obviously, fucked you up mentally. 

You had nightmares every night for months, waking up drenched in sweat and breathing heavily. Eventually, that turned into sleep paralysis – your demon being the man who made you no longer feel safe no matter where you were – and this made you freak out more because the feeling of being paralyzed made you have panic attacks at 3 in the morning. 

But if there’s one thing that’s been the biggest help throughout all of this, it’s your boyfriend Ashton.

Your journey through recovery would’ve been a whole lot harder if it weren’t for him. He’s comforted you through all the nightmares, been so gentle around you, held you after a panic attack or PTSD episode, being more than willing to wait for you to be 100% ready to have sex again, among many other things. 

You feel guilty that he has to basically take care of you – you even tried to convince him to leave you, but he completely dismissed the idea of that in your time of need. He’d tell you that this was not your fault, that you shouldn’t have to suffer through this at all, let alone all by yourself. He’s been there for you for 4 years, and he isn’t gonna stop just because one guy couldn’t keep it in his pants.

You’ve gotten better since the incident. The nightmares were less frequent, and the sleep paralysis barely made an appearance anymore. You were getting less startled by every little thing, and you were able to talk about it more to your therapist without breaking down into another episode. 

Now, you and Ashton were sitting on the couch, watching a movie with his arm wrapped around your shoulders and your head on his chest. Well, you weren’t really watching it, you were just feeling content in your loving boyfriend’s arms, listening to his heartbeat and feeling the rumble in his chest whenever the movie’s characters did/said something funny. You looked up at him, just wanting to admire your beautiful boyfriend.

You take in his features for a bit before he looks down at you. He smiles sweetly and lovingly at you, and you at him. You both lean in to kiss each other, a quick but loving peck, before pulling away only a few inches away from your faces. Your eyes flicker down to his lips before meeting his again, and he does the same. 

You both lean in again, but this kiss lasted longer. It wasn’t teeth-bumpingly aggressive, but it was passionate and slow. He carefully rests his hands on your waist, and you give him the okay to continue by wrapping your hands around his neck. He pulls you onto his lap, and you lick his bottom lip so make this kiss deeper. You two explore each other’s mouths for a bit when a feeling you hadn’t felt in a long time started to build up.

Desire, lust, want, longing, horny – whatever you wanted to call it.

You tug on the hairs on the nape of Ashton’s neck, causing him to let out a deep groan, before backing away. You chase after his lips, this kiss lasting shortly before he pulls away again.

“Baby, we need to stop here,” he giggles. He isn’t mad about having to stop, he just wants you to feel safe.

“But I don’t wanna stop,” you inform him. He furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

“But-”

“I think I wanna try again.” 

His eyes widen in shock, “Baby, are you sure? I don’t want you to do this for me, I want you to-”

“This isn’t just for you,” you say truthfully. Though you did feel bad that you’ve been depriving him of sex for over half a year, you also wanted to be close to him again. “I really want to do this.”

He looks at you hesitantly, still unsure if he should let this continue. You kiss him deeply, grinding down on his lap, cutting off his thoughts and making him groan again.

“Okay, okay!” he giggles at your eagerness. You laugh along with him. “But as soon as you’re feeling even the slightest bit uncomfortable, you promise me you safe-word out,” he says seriously.

You nod, “I promise.”

“Pinky swear?” he holds out his pinky finger. You take one of your hands that were on the back of his neck and wrap your little finger around his.

“Pinky swear.”

“Ok, you remember the safe word?”

“Red light?”

“Yes. Now if you feel the need to stop at all, you yell that out, ok?”

“Okay,” he smiles at you, leaning back in once more to continue your makeout session.

His tongue immediately entered your mouth and you continued your grinding, wanting to hear more of his sexy noises. You felt his hardening length grow underneath your butt as he runs his hands up and down your body.

He puts his hand underneath your bottom and lifts you up off the couch. Without ever disconnecting your lips, he carries you to your shared bedroom. He drops you both on the bed, putting himself on top of you. He pulls away to kiss you down your neck. 

The feeling of another person on you gives you an unsettling feeling. You shake it off quickly though, not wanting to stop this early on. Ashton starts sucking and licking on that one spot on your neck that causes you to moan out.

“Ash,” you breathe out. He looks at you with a smile.

“I’m gonna take your shirt off, okay?” he states. He wants to make sure that you know exactly what he’s doing, so you aren’t surprised or scared at all. You nod and sit up. He threw your shirt off into some corner of the room before asking, “Are you okay? Still wanna continue?” You nod and he returns to your lips. 

You start to unbutton his shirt, him shrugging it off as soon as the last button was undone. You two keep shedding clothes until you were both nude, him in between your legs with his length in his hand.

This picture brings back that unsettling feeling. The feeling was accompanied by an image – an image you’ve been trying to forget for seven months. But when he asks “Are you sure?” again, you ignore the feeling and nod to him, wanting to be physically close to the love of your life once again.

He pushes himself in and lets out a guttural moan. You bury your head in his shoulder so he doesn’t see the discomfort in your face and the tears in your eyes. You try your best to fight the memories and just let yourself enjoy the moment, but it was a losing battle. You didn’t want to stop for Ashton’s sake but you were close to another episode. You had to get out of this. You didn’t want this anymore. You need it to stop.

“Y/N…” Ashton moans.

“R-Red light!” you cry, “Red light! Red light! P-Please stop! I can’t!” 

Ashton immediately pulled out and threw himself to the opposite end of the bed as soon as you used your safe word. He was no longer erect – his body is now full of pure concern for you, who’s crying into your hands. He doesn’t try to come closer, knowing that the last thing you want right now is to be touched. So he just sits there; watching the women he loves sob and hiccup because of him and her traumatic past.

“Y/N? Baby, do… Do you want me to leave you alone for a second…?” he asks softly. 

He isn’t hurt when you nod your head. He understands that you need a minute to collect your thoughts. He stands up off the bed and puts his underwear and sweatpants back on. 

“Okay, princess, I’ll be in the living room, alright?” You nod again, and he sighs.

He wants nothing more than to hold you and tell you how much he loves you. But he knows that doing that may make this worse, so he quietly exits the door with glossy eyes.

You sit curled up, naked on your bed, crying and whimpering for a few moments. When you finally manage to calm yourself down, you let out a final sniff and wipe your wet hands on the sheets below you. 

You put on your underwear after finding the place that Ash had tossed them, put on one of his button-down polka-dotted shirts. Looking at yourself in the mirror, you wipe off the wet stains on your face and brush away the hair that stuck to your forehead and cheeks. You muster up the strength to walk out the bedroom with your arms wrapped around yourself.

When you walk in the living room, you see your shirtless boyfriend standing behind the couch with a glass of water in his hand, watching the movie that you two had left on. Or maybe it was another movie that had been on autoplay. You honestly didn’t know.

You walk over silently to stand behind him, and wrap your arms around his waist and resting your cheek on his back between his shoulder blades. He lets out a breath of relief, glad you aren’t mad or scared of him. But the next words that you said nearly stunned him to silence.

“I’m so sorry,” you whisper, choking up again. He leans over the couch – making you release him – and rests his glass on the cushion, not really caring if it spilled since it was just water. He spun around and wrapped you up tightly in a hug.

“Princess, you have no reason to apologize. I’m not upset that we had to stop, not even a little bit,” he rubs your back as you press your face into his collar bone, “In fact-” He pushes you back slightly by your shoulders. “-I’m extremely proud of you.” You raise an eyebrow in confusion as he continued. “I was so afraid that you wouldn’t say anything and just let me continue. That you weren’t gonna push me off for my sake,” he pushes some of your hair behind your ear, “I don’t wanna be the one who scares you, or puts you in pain. You know that. If I found out that I came inside you when you were silently suffering, I’d never forgive myself. I’m so glad you ‘red-light’-ed out, baby. Please never be afraid to tell me that you’re uncomfortable.” As he tells you this, you see tears build up in his eyes before a few fell down his face.

“But… But what if I’m never ready?” you swallow thickly.

“Then me and righty are about to get really reacquainted,” he jokes, shaking his right hand in the air, making you laugh that beautiful laugh he loves so much. 

He can’t wait to make you laugh for the rest of your lives. But until then, he has to worry about jumping over this hurdle before he tries the next one.

Part 2

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #324

“i'll sharpen my knife upon the stone made from the ruin of a dead god's throne  /  listen to these words as my seeds are sown: it's time to amputate the infected zone”

What is the last game you played on your phone? Pokemon GO. Do you give people personalized ringtones? No. Does your phone screen have any cracks? No. What makeup products are you wearing, if any? None. How would you describe your skin tone? Very pale. Do you have your full birth name on Facebook? Yes. What is your least favorite fruit? Probably cherries. How often do you walk around barefoot? Whenever I'm in my house or another person's who prefers shoes off inside. Would you need to sleep with someone before considering marrying them? Nah. Do you think people look up to you? No. How often do you have trouble sleeping at night? Every night. Do you ever rehearse conversations before you have them? YEP. In my head, at least. Can you name five current world leaders? No, haha... When taking a cab, do you talk to the driver? Cabs aren't really a thing here. I've never been in one. Do you always read the book before you see a movie based on a book? No. What is your favorite urban legend? The Jersey Devil. Mothman is dope and super creepy, too. I love cryptids, period. Are you an elitist (even a little bit) when it comes to anything? What? No, because I hate people like that so much. What type of fabric is most comfortable for clothing? I dunno, I don't pay attention to this. If you wear one – bras with or without a wire? With, so long as they're not poking out and stabbing you... If you wear one – are you able to find cute bras in your size? Definitely not. What length do you like your shorts to be? You'd have to pay me some big bucks to see me in shorts, period. Have you ever cut off jeans or other pants and made them into shorts? No. Have you cut the sleeves out of T-shirts to make tank tops? I don't think so, no. What was the last disappointing movie you saw? *shrug* What was the last disappointing book you read? Even bigger *shrug*. Do you ever watch compilation videos? Of what? Rarely, but if I do, they're generally old Vines and stuff. What was the last thing you rolled your eyes about? Probably something stupid on Facebook. Do you like Hellboy? If so, do you prefer the old movies or the new one? I have no thoughts on this. Favorite Disney character who isn’t royalty? Dory! Do you have a lot of people whom you don’t talk to all the time or see all the time, but still consider to be your friends? Yeah, like friends from high school and online childhood ones. Do you typically do your make up the same each time? Or do you like to change it up often? It's just about always the same. Do you enjoy making surveys as well as taking them or do you just prefer to copy, paste, fill out, post? The latter. I don't make surveys. Have you got a significant other? How are things between the two of you? If not, what was your most meaningful/long term relationship and how did that come to an end? I don't. My longest and deepest relationship was with Jason, and he ended it when my depression became too much for him to handle. Have you spent much time in a vehicle lately? What for and where have you gone most this past month? No. I've barely left the house lately for obvious reasons. Has it rained yet this year where you live? How about hailed? It's been raining like crazy lately. A few mornings ago, it also hailed very heavily for a few minutes. What is your favorite thing about Mac computers? I like the sleek, clean look of them. What is your favorite thing about PCs? They have more power for playing games. What are some errands you need to run soon? None. Well, we have a Wal-Mart order to pick up I think tomorrow, and I'll probably ride with Mom. What color was your high school graduation gown? Red. It was between that and navy, and I was really hoping for the latter, but it lost the vote. The red was so obnoxious. How many graduation gowns have you worn? One. Are your parents’ dreams for your life different than your own? I don't think they have their own specific "dreams" for my life. They both want me to create my own future that makes me happy. Have your dreams for your life changed? Definitely, over all the years. Would you ever want to learn sign language? Not especially, but it'd be cool I suppose. What’s the last thing you had for dinner? Chicken tenders, I think? Or was that the night before? Have you ever performed a solo dance in front of a crowd? No, but I almost did. At my old dance studio, the high school seniors had the option to a solo, and I was working on one to "Coma White" by Marilyn Manson, because it was and still is a song I really feel in regards to my mental health and many medications I "have" to be on. I was doing fine, but I stopped when I realized I just really was too nervous as a dance competition approached. Have you ever sung a solo? No. What was the last job you had? Deli worker. For two hours. What was your first job? Sales associate at GameStop. Who was/were your favorite coworker(s)? I never really had one. At what age did you start experiencing sexual attraction, if any? I don't know. Probably my freshman year of high school is when my levels of attraction to people reached a sexual and not just romantic level. Have you ever split open a rock with a hammer, to see a geode inside? UGH no, but I so wanna find one of those one day. What states have you lived in? Only North Carolina. S.O.S., get me outta here. What is your favorite thing about the month in which it is now? You start to see some flowers blooming. Who were your best friends in high school? I had a decent group of close friends, but I was closest to Hannia. I wish I still had contact with her. ^Are they still your best friends now? No. She deleted me off Facebook at some point. Do you live near the mountains? No; they're on the western end of the state, and I live on the opposite side. Do you live near a beach? It's about two hours away. What is your favorite beach that you’ve been to? I don't have a fave. Do you collect seashells? Nah, but I like picking them up and looking at them. My sisters and I used to collect them, though. We have a plastic container of them somewhere. If you were to start a new collection, what would it be? I desperately want a cornucopia of Markiplier merch, sobs. Is there a certain place or store you especially hate going to? I don't like going to most stores, really. I'm an online shopper. When was the last time you made plans with someone? October of last year. How long do leftovers usually sit in your fridge? Depends on the food. They tend to stay in there a bit too long, though. What is something you do for other people that shows you care for them? Offer to listen to them and always be a source of support and love. What was the last animal/pet that you met? Kinda recently, someone in our neighborhood was walking their German shepherd, and Mom chatted with the lady for a bit while I listened. Is there anyone in your life with whom your opinion changes on frequently? No. Have you ever kept a journal? Do you currently keep one? Yes, on-and-off during multiple periods of my life. These surveys are like my journals now. Is there a certain song or band who remind you of specific people? Yep. Motionless In White and Black Veil Brides, Jason. Pink Floyd and Evanescence, Sara. Metallica, Mom. Van Halen, Dad. Etc., etc. How often do you style your hair differently from how you normally style it? Never. Have you ever found out that you have been sleep walking? No, I never have. What’s the last thing you promised yourself? I don't know about promised. I take those so seriously, even to myself, that I hesitate to make them. Have you ever tried making something from one of those short cooking videos? How did it turn out? No, but my friend once tried making that "muffin in a cup" thing and it was absolutely horrid. Very eggy. When was the last time you had to wait in line for longer than a few minutes? Good question. Going into places is so rare nowadays, so it's hard to encounter this issue. Well wait, maybe at a fast food place? Idr. Have you ever written a review for a product you bought online? No, but I should do that once I actually use my own money to buy from small businesses in particular... if I had something good to say, anyway. I'd feel bad trash-talking a product. Do you ever interact with any brands/companies online? No. Is there anything you seem especially sensitive to, such as sounds, smells, etc? Smells, yes. What was the last thing you had the urge to do? Read, even though I didn't do it. .-. Is there anyone you feel that takes you for granted? No. Do you ever read the comments on social media posts? Sometimes, particularly if I have strong feelings about something. What was the last “good” thing to happen to you? My PHP therapist felt confident enough in my progress to step me down to three sessions a week versus every weekday. Last awkward situation you were in? Thankfully it was a one-on-one session, but the same aforementioned therapist was asking me questions that really stumped me, so I kept going very quiet as I thought and felt awkward and dumb. He's brilliant at his job. Think of the last time you were sick – what were you sick with? I think the last issue I had that qualifies as "sick" was a double ear infection from Hell itself. That was like two years ago. How do you think your life would change without social media? I'd be incredibly bored, but I, among I think most others, would be more positive and have a more realistic outlook on life. Social media highlights the best times in our life, and I do feel that that has had a negative effect on pretty much everyone. I don't at all believe social media is bad in essence, though. It's a wonderful way to stay connected. What was the last thing you wanted to buy, but couldn’t afford? I can't afford a new terrarium for Venus for probably a while, being without a job and all... How do you get your news? Facebook, haha. How often do you drive? Never, right now. My permit is long expired, and my vision isn't up to par to renew it. If you had to go (back) to school and completely change your career path, what would you choose to study/pursue? I guess biology? Are there any TV shows you constantly quote or know almost every line to? No. What do you think about lizards? I adore lizards; they're all so cute, big or small, and truly little dinosaurs. They're beautiful and so vast in appearances and behavior. Is there anything that people assume about you that isn’t true, and that you find very irritating? Not that I find irritating, no. How would you rate your “detective” skills? Uh, what am I "detecting?" I'm pretty good at digging online if I'm really hunting something down, I guess. Have you ever done consumer testing (testing products before they come out on the market)? If not, would you ever want to? No; I wouldn't be opposed, depending on the product. Have you ever received anesthesia or morphine? Both. The one time (I'm aware of) where I had morphine oddly enough did jack-all, though. If you had to choose which video game to be in, which would it be? Hmmm. Maybe like, Shadow of the Colossus, living in the beautiful garden on the top of the shrine? With the deer, the birds, fruit, just its general beauty... That would be awesome, especially with one other person, especially an s/o. Just the two of us in a gorgeous land. Between the two, would you rather live in a place where it’s only night or where it’s only day? Only day, I suppose. Vitamin D is very important, for one thing, and it always being dark would definitely affect my depression. And what about the flowers blooming and being able to take pictures? :( Sleep would still be possible by just closing your shades and stuff. Is there anyone that makes your skin crawl? Maggots, bot flies, parasites, patterns of small holes, etc. Do you like it when people are affectionate with you? Yes. If we're at least friends, anyway. I'm a very affectionate person. Have the past few days been bad, good, or neutral? They've been pretty all right. If you had to be an actor/actress in a movie, what genre of the movie would you be best at? Probably as an insane villain in a superhero movie or something. Are people more likely to tell you to tone it down or to speak up? Speak up. I'm a mumbler. I can be too loud sometimes too, though, particularly when I'm excited. What’s the last thing that you procrastinated? Now. Emerson's birthday was last month and I still haven't touched her pictures... Out of fire, earth, water, wind, light, and dark, which element appeals the most to you? Dark. What’s your favorite color on a vehicle? Burnt orange, pink. The last pain that you experienced, was it physical or emotional? Physical. What was one of your favorite songs as kid? I liked lots of pop songs. When’s the last time you tried to get revenge, if ever? Never. It's not something I chase after. Do you like Taylor Swift? No. What’s your favorite Disney Channel movie? The Haunted Mansion, I think. That's a Disney movie, isn't it? If you met your favorite celebrity, would you be calm or star struck? I'd be a deer in headlights, stuttering and stammering over ways to thank him and crying like a bitch. I'd be super embarrassed, but I absolutely hope I get to meet him one day. Do you ever have to do yard work? No. Is your school close to your house? I'm no longer in school. Do you have any live versions of songs in your music software? Yes. Did/do you listen to Britney Spears songs? Yeah, I like her. What shorthand do you use the most? Probably "lmao." What album is the current song you’re listening to off of? METAWAR. In your opinion, what song is the most overplayed right now? I wouldn't know; I don't listen to the radio. Are you in a band? No. When I started high school though, I wished I could be a guitarist in one. That's one reason I started taking lessons, haha. Does your favorite band have a male or female lead singer? Male. Have you ever been to a Broadway show? No. Do you prefer group or individual work? Individual, by a long shot. I work much better alone. Could you ever complete a 500-piece puzzle? I think I have before. I used to love puzzles. When was the last time you rode in a limo? Damn son, never; what could possibly give you the idea I could afford to ever do THAT????? Do you take naps daily? Almost every day, yes. Do you still make Christmas lists? Yeah, because I'm asked to. Do you watch the show Dexter? Never seen it, no. Are you currently using a blanket? Yes. My feet are cold. How long is the song you’re listening to? 4:06. Is your mom or dad the older parent? Mom, but only by a year. Did you ever listen to Avril Lavigne when you were younger? Who didn't? I still listen to a couple songs. When was the last time you changed a light bulb? Not all that long ago when Venus' lamp bulb died. How often do you clean your car out? I don't have my own car. Did you ever buy NOW ("Now That’s What I Call Music") CDs? My older sister did, yes. What color (mainly) is your computer? It's black. What is in the back seat of your car right now? In Mom's car, idk. But there's usually some stuff back there. What is your favorite episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S.? Never watched it. Last person’s house you were in? Besides my own, my older sister's. Who is the last person you sent a message to on Facebook? My friend Chelsea. We were catching up. Were you an honor roll student in school? Yes. Do you have a tan? HA. Are you someone’s best friend? Yes. <3 What do you think of when you think of Australia? Huntsmen spiders. *shudders* Favorite gemstone? Of the basic ones, rubies. If we're talking of all of them, even the obscure, then dragon's breath opal. I'd LOVE to have a ring of one of those. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru? Almost always the drive-thru. What color is your mom’s hair? It's all gray now. Does your first memory involve your dad? No. Biggest annoyance in your life right this minute? My social anxiety. Do you like watching a bonfire? Yeah. Fire is mesmerizing. Do you ever get flu shots? No, but I really should. Once the Covid vaccine is accessible to all though, I'm getting it for the protection of my immunocompromised mother.

[welcome-to-the-petting-zoo]

Hey guys! I was wondering if any of you could offer me some tips on calming yourself down or lessening stress? Because of my contamination fears and the fact that I live in the U.S. everything has been piling up. My family doesn’t rlly take me or anything seriously either. So I’ve been falling into fits of “I’m not going to be able to leave the house in years, what’s the point in being here” and general other bad thoughts so I wonder if anything you known could help calm me down? Thanks!

Hey there Anon,

TP here. I'm so sorry you're struggling like this, and especially that your family can't/won't provide you with the support you need.

I'm going to try to collect some general advice and some healthy coping techniques, maybe you can find something here that can relieve your stress. I don't know enough about your lifestyle, specific issues and circumstances to tailor the list to your needs too much, but I'll try to bring up some varied points so maybe there is something you'll find useful.

There are things you can do in the moment to relieve stress and then there are things that are more preventive or work over a longer period, I'll try to cover both categories.

Let's start with in the moment relief:

Grounding. The same way grounding techniques can help with dissociative symptoms, they are also a great tool for stress relief. If you can take a moment to collect yourself, it can help you avoid blowing up or imploding into a depressive mess. There are great breathing exercises geared towards stress relief, but you can also do some physical practices, like putting your hands together in front of you like you were praying, and pressing your palms together as hard as you can, for as long as you can. This will release the physical tension in your body and with that, some of the emotional charge will dissipate too.

Depending on whether your stress manifests as anger, you can also do anger relief exercises, such as trying to rip a piece of cardboard in as many pieces as you can, or, my personal favourite, taking an old pair of sneakers and throwing them against the ground or an outdoor wall, because that won't harm either the wall or the shoes, and it's loads better than turning that anger on yourself or another person. Of course if you can manage your anger without having to act on it, all the better, but if you feel like you're about to explode, blowing off the steam in a non-dangerous way that still allows you to express your destructive urges can work.

This is extreme, but if you have the environment (e.g. you can go to a place away from humanity), you can even try to just scream as loudly as you can. I've never tried this method, but some people swear by it.

Remove yourself from the situation/environment. I know it can be super hard during the pandemic, but if you have the chance, just taking a walk, especially if you can go somewhere devoid of people in nature, is one of the best ways to clear your head and give yourself the space you need to calm down. What I often do is, I get on my bike and take a long ride on some abandoned back roads, which of course is a very special privilege most people don't have, but if you can carve out a little space for yourself somewhere, that can do wonders.

If you can't leave the house because of your fear of contamination or any other reason, I would advise you put on a pair of headphones, if you have noise cancelling ones, those are the best, but basically any pair will do, lie down on your bed and listen to music or nature sounds for a while. I live listening to the sea, or forest noises. There are several free apps you can download that let you create your own sound scapes from different sound elements, so you can tailor your experience to your specific tastes. If lying still is too hard or distracting, you can also try pacing while listening, just make sure you keep to a slow and steady stroll so you won't end up accidentally winding yourself up even more.

You can try doing some yoga, workout or sport. There are a lot of exercises you can also do indoors and generally, moving your body is a wonderful thing, it relieves stress, releases some happy chemicals and tires you out so you won't feel anxious anymore. Basically how this works is, emotions have physical "symptoms" and they work both ways. If you're experiencing the bodily sensation, you'll get the emotion as well, which also means, if you can stop the physical symptom, the emotion will go away too. For example, if you make yourself smile even though you're in a bad mood, you'll soon start feeling better, or the thing when people get anxious or angry because they are hungry and they can feel a knot in their stomach... It works just like that with anxiety/stress as well, if you can relieve the tension from your body, you'll also feel less stressed.

You can try stim toys or other equipment that's geared towards people with sensory integration issues. These tools were developed for people who get easily overwhelmed, so they are extremely efficient for relieving stress. There are tons of different kinds, so you can experiment with what feels right for you. Maybe it's a squishy toy, maybe a weighted blanket, or something you can bite into or a logic puzzle to stimulate your brain. As I said, there are loads of resources out there, and I'm positive there is something you could benefit from, and well, these tools are there for anybody who needs them, so feel free to experiment with them!

Okay, so let's take a look at the longer term things.

Meditation is one of the most awesome things ever. If you're not into spirituality, or if you think it's bullshit, rest assured, that's where I came from too... Until I've tried it. It helped me so much with my insomnia and other stress related issues, and well, it's not like I'm suddenly a hardcore Buddhist or something (not that there is anything wrong with that either, meditation and spirituality/any religion can absolutely go hand in hand), because in the end I like being my weird pragmatic self, but even so, meditation is something I love doing, it gives me peace and teaches me how to relax and come closer to understanding what my body needs and how to pay attention to it. There are also very cool resources for that, both apps and podcasts/YouTube channels that have guided meditation materials or that teach you different techniques.

If you have the spoons, please, do exercise! It is so damn helpful and important, but I also know it's something that can be super hard and I also struggle with it a lot, but whenever I actually manage to move around just for a few minutes, I feel so accomplished and so well physically and mentally.

Try to express your emotions in different ways. Create awesome vent art (your skill level doesn't matter, you can literally be scribbling on a piece of paper, or squishing a block of clay into a shapeless lump, it's not about artistic quality)! Experiment with different media and techniques, write, draw, sculpt, make collages out of magazine cuttings, press flowers, knit emotional sweaters, whatever your preferred method is, creating is a truly healing experience. It allows you to collect your thoughts and emotions and express them in a way that engages your brain in a different way than just thinking about it does, and it turns the negative emotions into positive experiences of creation and relaxation.

Ask someone to give you a massage. Again, back to the whole body and mind influence each other thing, not to mention that massages feel awesome and if it's a friend or loved one giving it, it also creates intimacy and a shared good moment which in and of itself can help a lot.

Talk about it! Seriously, fuck those people who tell you it's somehow wrong to talk about your issues or that you're being a burden. YOU'RE NOT! If you're in distress or you just feel like you need a talk, just do it! If you have noone to talk to, just get back to me, I'll be happy to listen if that means you're feeling better. There will ALWAYS be people who would happily listen to your venting if that would make you feel relief.

Finally, if this is something that's an option for you, consider talking to a therapist or your healthcare provider. They might be able to point you in the direction of some resources or talk about the possibility of temporary medicinal treatment until the pandemic blows over.

I hope this helps a little bit, and of course, if you have any follow-up questions, I'll be happy to elaborate on any of the points. I'm sorry for not including specific links or resources, but I'm a disabled weirdo and right now typing this out is all I have in me. But if you can't find something, or would like specific recommendations, get back to me and I'll look into the specifics for you.

Best of luck,

TP

[nyrator]

another long vent post about depression/anxiety

extremely depressed tonight

first made the mistake of driving myself to the grocery store at 6pm, first I had to try scraping the ice off the windshield with nothing but a broom and bare hands, then driving itself was nightmareish, the car feels like a death trap to me, very loose and sloppy compared to my last car, so loud and uncomfortable with no audible music to calm my nerves. My eyes have worsened to the point where I can’t see anything at night- glare takes up my whole vision, even with anti-glare shades. I was driving well below the speed limit the entire time and still almost hit three pedestrians who were all recklessly out on the roads in all black for whatever reason. My nerves are completely shot from it, my chest feels like I’m in a vice and can’t breathe, my eyes are wide open and hunched over the steering wheel, and my body feels both like I’m about to wet myself at any moment and that I’m too stiff/tense/frozen to function as a human at all, it’s that fight-or-flight response at its extreme. Meanwhile, my skin must be weak- my knuckles bleed when driving, and my wrists bled just from carrying in bags of groceries.

then getting home and just dealing with personal drama of someone I know who is so depressed and self destructive and too smart to reason with, who refuses/is unable to seek professional help, who just doesn’t understand or just can’t help venting to me nonstop, no matter how much I beg them not to over and over- their life is so terrible that suicide seems like the only option to them, and I don’t want them to do so, but I can’t keep suffering like this either and I feel like the only thing preventing them from doing so, as poor a job as I do as a human being anyway. But I can’t help them if they can’t help themselves, even if they were just ate a bit better, or just had a journal or someone anonymous they could talk to, but it seems inescapable and impossible to change anything and all we do is argue over it until I snap at them to leave me alone. That person is probably reading this right now and probably hating it, but I doubt anyone on this site even knows who they are.

Tuesday morning, I couldn’t sleep at all from anxiety- it was so severe and inescapable, I laid in bed for four hours feeling like I was dying until I was finally able to sleep for two hours. I can’t seem to stay asleep longer than two hours anymore. Was supposed to hang out with friends that day, but between lack of sleep, depression, and my absolute terror at driving in a snowstorm, I ended up just staying home.

Anxiety has gotten so bad again. I know a lot of how the mechanics work behind it, I know a lot of pains are from tension and lack of breathing. But my old coping mechanisms don’t work anymore. I can focus on breathing for several minutes straight and then fall right back into suffocating. Music, counting things, meditating, none of it helps anymore.

One way to describe the feeling of anxiety- it’s kind of like when you fall asleep on your arm, and you feel all the blood rushing back into it and that tingling sensation. Imagine that, maybe a bit less, but throughout your entire body (especially chest), your body is stiff and not numb, and your entire body is vibrating or shivering/shaking or something.

I still spend 16+ hours laying in bed every single day. When I got home from shopping, the walking around (and the stress of driving) was enough to send me straight to bed, I was so tired and weak. It’s probably why I don’t sleep properly, I’m half awake in bed all the time, what need is there for sleep

I have mail I haven’t opened, taxes I still have to do, messes to clean, and don’t care for any of it. Can’t even talk about some things I’ve been doing to myself out of spite or general depression, the way I’ve been abusing. I promise to try not to do anything too crazy or directly harmful, but even then I worry about slipping up- I tried one thing I shouldn’t talk about, which wasn’t too serious, but still seriously concerning how easy it was to try doing

still haven’t contacted a therapist, my fear of calling someone is so strong I can’t overcome it, especially not after just waking up. Talked to some friends, some agree that I should, at least one thinks it’s a waste of time and money- up to $125 per session to just get a glorified phone call thanks to covid restrictions. I just don’t see the point if I’m still stuck in my apartment at my computer, especially if I have an internet addiction already.

The lack of doing anything is driving me insane, I think. I’ve played four single player games in 2020- ACNH, KH MoM, Panel de Pon, and Picross. In terms of things watched on my own, probably just Japan Sinks and whatever else was on Netflix the few months I had it. Don’t feel motivated to play or watch anything anymore, nothing seems interesting, and mostly just do things with friends if at all

Even ACNH, the game I play the most, I barely do anything in it- mostly just get new items from stores, that’s it. My island decorating has come to a hard halt, mostly because I barely have any furniture I’d like to embellish it with, and mainly because I have no ideas to layout most of it

I want to create, but don’t have the energy to make anything at all. Rotten Nyan is still my current goal, but anxiety has made it next to impossible to work on. I’ve tried several times the past few weeks, all met with failure- the anxiety’s too much, half the time I don’t even know what’s causing it, but my body just gets too tense and cramped without even doing anything, and I just can’t breathe at all while working on it.

Thought about making an omake comic for it, then realized what a terrible idea it was, and how hard it is to draw comics in general. Or anything in general. Wrote down the entire comic while laying in bed one day, went to draw it, was unable to, tried making it a yonkoma, gave up, and felt sick thinking of all the gross things in it that I just made a vent description of Middle Lave and just posted that to the RN tumblr instead.

I can’t think of any ideas, I feel like my art has regressed- I’ve taken more shortcuts for the sake of my hands tensing so fast from anxiety, and I’ve gotten decent at drawing middle Lave I feel, but anything besides a character standing is impossible for me- any environments or character interactions that I’d love to do just feel impossible, let alone my inability to write good ones. Anything I try to think of writing-wise always ends up the same gross content that burned into my memories that I just can’t feel comfortable talking about much at all, nor do I think it’s content people want to see at all.

There’s a lot of detailed kind of art I’d like to do. I kind of want to loosen my restrictions on myself and just draw whatever suffering I feel like, maybe once I use the RN twitter more I might get a little more courage to do so. I see many artists draw detailed scenes in single images, and no matter how hard I try, I just can’t capture that feeling.

Part of me feels torn about it being an autobiography for people to relate to, and being a suffering experience for people to find some weird enjoyment out of. I feel like I’ve lost sight of what it was originally meant to be and now just enjoy “bullying” Middle Lave half the time I guess, but unfortunately for me, bullying makes me feel like vomiting and is hard to draw consistently- maybe I’m too nice. I don’t know, I’m just rambling at this point. The comic is still laid out and just meant to explore the life of Lave, but it’s just so hard to work on.

In terms of other things, I have no idea what to do

Vtuber/streaming? Hate my voice, can’t focus on learning what I need for it in terms of rigging and texturing models. I only know the basics of making 3D things and nothing else.

Console art? I already designed all the ones I’m mainly interested in, but like I mentioned before, can’t think of any character interactions at all that I feel like drawing.

Making a game? I know 2k3 well enough to make anything in it event-wise, though never got over my map failings, and I can’t commit to anything long-term. Godot or another program, or programming in general? Good luck.

I just want to make something, work on a project without losing steam or letting anxiety prevent me from learning. Can’t focus on anything long enough to learn it- Japanese, making a game, programming, a new hobby, anything. I just don’t have the drive to do anything and will give up anything I even try to start, so what’s the point in even trying anything. I have books I haven’t read that I’ve been meaning to read for years, and still don’t have an ounce of energy to want to even organize them on their shelf, let alone open it

At the very least, I got my first big commission (second one ever), designing an OC for someone, and it’s going well, though tonight I’ve lost steam to finish it, and I hope I can get it back tomorrow to try to finalize it.

I’ve mentioned it before, but I really wish I just had someone guide me with art- I miss doing those 30 day challenge kind of things, or “send a number/emoji” kind of asks for OCs, but tumblr’s so inactive that I don’t see them on my dash anymore, and don’t know how to even look for them, especially not on sites like twitter these days. Though, the problem is, no one knows exactly what I like, and I feel awful letting people down if they ask for something I don’t want to draw

I can’t focus on exercise long term, and I’m so out of practice that exhaustion is too strong to beat. I’ve been trying to walk up and down on a step stool for exercise to get me back into basic movement, but even that’s too tiring. Want to do it while watching something, then I realize, I don’t watch anything at all, not even youtube, just an occasional artist stream that I mainly chat with rather than watch

I feel like I’m going to collapse if I turn or move too suddenly, and my eyes are absolutely terrible- glasses are okay, but without them I’m completely blind now- not just blind, but it’s like my eyes see at two different angles sometimes, like one is slanted or something, very disorientating.

It’s 7:30AM, and no desire to sleep at all. Terrified of laying in bed and letting anxiety take over me again. Part of me wants to become completely nocturnal and just avoid everyone during the day and just respond to messages in the AM hours, just wake up at midnight each day and avoid dealing with people. Go to sleep when everyone starts to get active and just isolate myself entirely from society.

I feel like I exist with no purpose whatsoever, and it’s driving me insane- not that life is meant to have a purpose, but I could at least be doing something more than laying in bed all day every day for a year

[ganda4ever]

The Story He Wanted

She is now living on her own and she doesn’t need a man to get what she wants. As helpful as her dad, brothers, and friends would be; Analía Reneé Delgado de La Cruz was determined to build her door sign herself. After being recently hired as parental educator and case manager for teenage parents, Anie wanted to create a way for her families to know if it was okay to drop in and visit her; while they were in the building for other courses with a cute door sign she made herself. “You are strong. You are powerful. You are capable of making the impossible; your possibilities,” Anie repeats to herself as she sits in her Toyota Corolla in the late August heat of Los Angeles. These 3 simple, but most meaningful, sentences are what her grand-dad and abuelo have for her for the last 21 years of her life. 

As soon as she walks into Home Depot, Anie could feel her anxiety wash over her by all of the overwhelming sounds and insights in front of her. For years, her behavior therapist have always encouraged her to go out into the world and overcome her sensory issues; but today should not have been the day she thought she could handle it. Anie swallows forcefully and marches over to the wood section to ask an employee what types of materials she should buy. 

“It’s okay. Thanks for trying to help. Have a good day” Anie sights to herself as she repeats the same generic sentences to the 9th employee that said, “uhh...sorry I don’t really know. You could try asking so and so” as they point lazily toward another general white guy with an orange apron on. She puts her hand on her temples to soothe the anxiety and headache coming on. “You are strong. You are powerful. You are capable of making the impossible; your possibilities'' Anie repeats once again to herself. She looks around to see if she can find another employee, but this guy with short, slightly frizzy hair starts walking up to her. 

Anie tries to walk away as fast as possible but the young hottie catches her and says, “Hey, do you need help?” as his brown eyes catch the dim lighting in aisle 9 of this Home Depot. 

“Yea, I could use some help. Do you work here?” Anie says with the breath she didn’t realize she was holding in. 

“Haha!!” he booms out of his mouth a little louder than the average person. “No, I don’t; but they really should look into hiring me. May quit my day job for it” he says a little quieter and flashes you a full grin showcasing his pearly white teeth. 

Anie smiles at this kind and good looking stranger and says, “You know what they say, ‘don’t quit your day job,’” she says trying to be funny, and failing miserably at. “Well if you aren’t busy, I really could use some help. I have no clue what I’m doing,” she says, feeling as desperate as they came. “I’m Analía by the way” as she extends her hand to shake his. 

“Grayson, but you can call me Gray,” he says as he meets her hand. 

She shows him the picture and explains her vision, so they are able to work together. For 3 hours, they go up and down every aisle in the store picking out woods and screws. Every once in a while Anie catches herself staring at Grayson, no Gray, a little longer than she probably should. When she isn’t staring at him or trying to pick the right screw and hinge color, Anie is answering one of the many questions Gray has asked her. She tells him about her new job, starting graduate school in a week, and little details about herself. Normally, Anie would never respond in that fashion; especially after what happened with her ex. Anie always told herself, “no one cares. just smile, nod, and look pretty. that’s what you do.” But Gray has made her feel welcomed and safe. Every question he asks makes what she says the most important thing in the world. She tells herself , “he is just being nice. Maybe looking for a quick hook-up in the parking lot.”

 By the time Anie is able to convince herself Gray may just be a nice guy, they find themselves in the paint aisle. “Okay, if you go with this brand in any color; it shouldn’t fade or chip for a long time. That way you won’t need to come to this scary place for some time” Grayson says as he points to the BEHR selection on the swatch display. 

“Okay, perfect. Thank you so much for all of your help. Is there any way I could prepaid you? Seriously, I was ready to completely give up.” 

Grayson shakes his head no and says, “Nothing, really. Just knowing you got everything you need and that’s right; is all the payment I need. Also if you need a power drill you can rent one at customer services. It’s pretty cheap and probably a better option for a one time project.” 

“That’s great! Thanks again for all of your help.” Anie smiles at Gray, hoping it will show him she is interested in him; as he flashes a little grin to her. To not make it awkward Anie says, “well, I’m sure you came here for a reason and I think I could be here for hours; so thanks again. Have a nice day.” 

“Oh, yea. Yea. Of course, no problem. Have a good day and good luck with work and school,” he says with a little wave and a wink. And with that Anie watched him walk away. She frowns with the disappointment that she couldn’t get the courage to ask this beautiful man out. 

The Gods or her brain must have known Analie has been in this overwhelming situation for far too long and needs to get home; because she picked the 2 paint colors she needed in record time for someone that took 5 days just to pick a mattress. She grabs her paint for the employee after they mixed it and places it in the cart. As she is pushing her heavier load up to the front, she can’t tell where a line starts and where one ends. Analie puts herself into what she thought was an okay spot until she hears, “Sweetheart. You may be able to push pass all of the ugly girls in high school, but here you always go behind the men.” 

Analie starts to turn around when she realizes the man was talking to her; but then she hears in a harsher , but still very deep and sexy tone, a voice that memorized her all day says, “Dude. Calm the fuck down. She’s with me. Babe! Analie, I am over here. Did you get the paint we needed?” As Anie finishes her turn around she feels a strong, but still gentle, hand pulling her over to the check-out line to her left. 

“Oh. I am so sorry. Guess I didn’t see you sir. I’m so sorry again.” She turns to Gray and says, “Yea, I did. Only took 10 minutes after all.” She smiles at Gray as to say, “Thank you for saving me from the dick over there.” 

“Yea. Well ‘dude’, just keep your bitch in line and she won’t have any problems.” Anie can visibly see how upset Grayson is getting the more and more this man tries to speak and how he thinks it’s funny to verbally disrespect a woman in public. Anie thinks about her dad and brothers and tries to get in between this guy and Grayson to prevent a fight from breaking out; except Grayson just smiles and tells the guy, “Why don’t you just get in front of us and I’ll pay for your materials? Since being in line any longer is such a big deal for you.” 

The dick of a man, just stares at Grayson like he is seeing a ghost. When Grayson pushes you and your cart back to allow the man to get over, the man practically runs over. After the man is finished checking out and Grayson finishes paying. He starts to put your materials on the belt and mixes your things together. 

“Oh, no. You have done plenty for me. Seriously, I need to pay for our things.” Anie says as she tries to get passed Grayson to the card reader, but he bets her to it by sticking his credit card into the chip reader. He smiles as to tell her, “It’s okay. Please let me do this.” After the cashier puts all of Anie’s things back into her cart and Grayson grabs his bags, they start to walk out to their cars. Anie tried to think of a moment to thank Grayson for all of his help, but the silence feels so much better. As they reach the point where Anie needs to go one way and Gray takes the other, they both start trying to speak. Secretly both of them were hoping the other would give a sign of wanting to continue their day together, but it never happened. When they both start speaking at the same time, neither one understands the other. Grayson motions to Anie that she can talk first. She blushes and says, “I forgot about renting the drill. I’ll just go back in after loading my car. But thank you so much again for literally saving me.” She smiles at him, hoping he will get what she is putting off. 

“No problem whatsoever. But what if I can get your number, we can build it at my place. This way you know it will be done right and I have all of the tools needed.” Grayson is pulling out his phone so fast, Anie doesn’t can’t even remember where she put her phone. 

“I mean I would love that, because you can tell I struggle in the whole building aspect of life. But seriously only if you have some time, it can wait a minute before I really need it,” Anie says the whole time she is typing in her number and checking to make sure she spelt and wrote everything completely right; because it would be her luck to give him the wrong number by accident. 

Grayson looks at her and sees the way her blue eyes shimmer in the L.A. pink and purple sunset behind them. “Actually, I was just going to grab some dinner and then head home. My brother’s girlfriend is over, so I would be all alone for the rest of the night. Why don’t we load up your car, and you follow me over to my favorite restaurant and afterwards we build.” Anie had no idea what to say, she just nodded her head. Saying a prayer thanking God something finally worked out okay for her. 

“Yeah. That sounds really fun and a good way to spend our time. I mean building my sign, cause you know that has been my priority today,” Anie wants to run and hide by her cringy comment, but Grayson just laughs and agrees with her. Together they load up Anie’s car with everything she just bought and drives over to Grayson’s car. Before Grayson pulls out, Anie knows tonight is only going to end one of two ways: the biggest regret and mistake of her 21 years of life or she may have just found her eternal soulmate. Considering her previous relationship, Anie is really hoping for the latter to happen tonight. She could use a good gentleman in her life; and the possibility of this god of a man as her husband, doesn’t sound too bad.

[greatfay]

The fosters 😏

Ohhhhhh my godddddddd I’m gonna diiiiiie. Ok let the memories resurface, this may take a minute.

my all-time ultimate fave character:

Stef. I just really liked her arcs, how straight forward she is, etc. Classic ISTJ tbh... cautious, reserved, protective, methodical, quietly affectionate. Like at the end of the day, I think she’s my fave. The kids go through so much ups and downs and Dumbass Moments that none of them can be my fave, and Lena is a close second but the writers only gave her one strong arc, and that’s when she tried to have a baby and that was so painful.

For several seasons I used to say my fave was Mike because he was Prime Dad Material. Like in the very first episode, he comes off as this douchey, entitled, deadbeat asshole who oversteps boundaries, right? Classic switcheroo. You find out this man is a saint, this man oozes emotional sensitivity and communication and affection, this man is also a dilf with eyelashes longer than should be legal. When he fostered AJ (I’m crying right now). Getting Ana through rehab??? Fighting his own alcohol addiction and not breaking once. Like the only time he ever let me down was his reaction to Dani MOLESTING Brandon, but he realized like whoa wait a minute... Brandon’s been taken advantage of and if Brandon were a girl he would see it different... Like all of Mike’s mistakes were temporary mistakes, he recovered quick and tried to do the right thing. If only his son was as quick on the uptake 😒

a character I didn’t used to like but now do:

Brandon. It took five seasons for me to like Brandon. You know how many seasons this show had? Five. And it’s because he’s pulled through the ringer of Suffering™ and it’s almost ALL his fault so that by the end when he’s doing the right thing again and again for the first time ever... and meets that super sweet girl... and then she DIES 

a character I used to like but now don’t:

Jude. He was such an intuitive, intense child, with wisdom earned from awful trauma, and watching him slowly assert himself was a wonder to watch. I do think the writers got lost with him, because his second love interest was a bore, his pothead thing was awful to watch, and when he became a twitch streamer with Taylor—WHAAACK. By the time of Good Trouble (which takes place years after The Fosters, so Jude is a sophomore/junior in college) Jude is drinking a LOT, partying a LOT, and fucking!!! a LOT!! Makes me concerned. Idk, it just felt like he lost his intuition halfway through the show and kept doing dumb stuff.

a character I’m indifferent about:

Every ex of the family lmao, idr them and I was not too fired up about any of them except maybe Emma. Like all of Jesus’ and Brandon’s exes I can’t remember.

a character who deserved better:

I’m just gonna make a list

AJ. Literally just him and Mike are just the cutest because of how earnestly the actor plays AJ, you know I love found family tropes and stuff.

 Mat. Such a sweetheart, the most accommodating and supportive boyfriend. So talented. Gorgeous hair. Mariana didn’t deserve him.

Cole. This boy fought SO HARD to be recognized for his gender, organized an LGBTQA prom for all his classmates who were rejected from their school’s prom, had to get hormones off the black market, and was so intuitive and loyal... honestly I loved Cole.

Aaron. SUCH a confusing end. Out of all the love interests, he and Callie popped with the most chemistry. The shared quest, the rides on the motorcycle, pictures at the beach, his great college advice. Their fight at her prom was so left-field and upsetting, and we know it’s because they wanted Callie to be single when the series ended so she could be free to date in Good Trouble. If I’m not mistaken, theirs is the first trans/cis relationship portrayed on network television... ever? And I mean a relationship, not a hook up.

Wyatt. Another sweetheart, what happened between him and Callie wasn’t really about him, it was about her and it was definitely about legal issues, and she was right to set her boundaries, but ouch that hurt. Gorgeous hair.

Notice how most of this list either dated Callie or crushed on her lmao except for Mat. Also

Rita. The woman lives and breathes childcare and youth advocacy. Let her win.

DAPHNE KEENE. She had her daughter with her in the series finale but I haven’t heard mention of her yet in Good Trouble, she’d better have custody and a job salary over 70k for what this show put her through.

EMMA. This poor girl was practically torn in two between the twins, from Jesus’ messy/horny ass to Mariana’s bossy controlling ass. She should be president.

a ship I’ve never been able to get into:

Most of Jesus’ relationships. He’s a fuck up so all of them are basically waiting for a train wreck. His most healthy one was with Emma, who was too good for him, and the one with most chemistry was with Lexi, but she was messy af too so that wasn’t going to work.

a ship I’ve never been able to get over:

Jude/Connor. It sailed and sunk in two minutes. So apparently, Jude/Connor have the youngest LGBT kiss shown on television. This show really made history, huh. They were adorable, they literally struggled to be a couple (since Connor’s dad is homophobic) and then after being a couple for like 2 episodes, Connor’s dad walking in on them kissing and basically blowing up was so traumatizing for the kid that he moved in with his mom in LA to get away from him. They try to do the long distance thing but they're middle schoolers... and it’s their first relationship each... and both of them are just now figuring out that they’re gay. it doesn’t work out. Would love for Connor to come back in Good Trouble and try to woo Jude or something (cuz Jude...???? he’s just FUCKING... ALL the time. Like one second he’s the adorable 12-year-old you just want to shield from the world, and then it’s like TIME SKIP, he’s a college frat boy now and he fucks “straight” boys every weekend).

a cute, low-key ship:

Lol this show didn’t do low-key ships, everything was loud.

an unpopular ship but I still enjoyed it:

Stef/Lena; because they’re the main couple on the show and yet we as the audience forget that they’re even an option as an OTP. These two are marriage goals. They fight, they argue, they have conflicting viewpoints, but they always sit down and talk at the end of the day, and they pull it together because of their love for the kids and each other. I live for them, I seriously wanted them to adopt me. I’d cook for the family so they would be an ounce less stressed. They’re such great moms and they try SO hard to be there for the kids, who each come with truckloads of baggage and problems all befitting network TV teen drama protagonists.

a ship that was totally wrong and never should have happened:

BRALLIE. They’re SIBLINGSSSS AHHHH. “But they’re foster siblings” I DON’T CARE. This is not a damn Victorian novel, it’s gross. Maybe in season 1 it wasn’t as bad since Callie had zero intentions of staying with the Adams-Fosters family and was used to being bounced around in foster care, but after bonding with them all and truly believing they wanted her, season 2 onward Brallie disgusts me.

Mariana/Nick. Let’s talk about his actor for a second. Louis Hunter played a teenager in The Secret Circle back in 2011 (don’t @ me but I loved that show) and guess what, friends, he was TOO FUCKING OLD to play a teenager THEN. That opinion stands 7 years later. An absolute creep who traumatized Mariana, the girl had to go to THERAPY. She went to THERAPY because of him.

Lena/Monte. UGHHHHHHHHh this made me so mad. Monte was being so gross and inappropriate, like not only is Lena her employee/subordinate... but Lena is a WOMAN. She’s grown as hell and confident in her identity and has a whole ass wife (a WIFE) and a family to take care of, and here comes Monte with her weird ass flirtations and stuff. She could NEVER. Lena is a goddess and Monte but an ant crawling on the sidewalk outside her temple.

my favourite storyline/moment:

When Stef confronted her internalized homophobia and misogyny during his breast cancer scare and she cut her hair to symbolize her ownership of her femininity. That was POWERFUL. Stef actually had so many great emotional arcs throughout the show; losing her father (who never really “got” her “lesbianism”), her mother’s breast cancer scare, HER breast cancer scare, her fight to become a detective, maybe it’s Teri Polo but Stef is such a stand-up, rigid character with such a strong moral center that watching her trudge through emotional trauma every gd episode was riveting.

Jude’s selective mutism. I remember this out of nowhere, but Jude went mute?? And he had to see a therapist, who deduced his problem and attributed it to an anxiety disorder and advised the family not to stress him out or pressure him to talk, and he went like this for a couple episodes. Like this boy went through so much trauma that it took like one thing, one little thing, to make him shut down. And Callie like patiently waiting for him to speak, and then her seeing her rapist and the only person she wanted to talk to about it was her little brother and he still wouldn’t talk, he just sits there playing video games, and she sends him a message on Xbox Live saying ‘Please talk to me’ and he ignores it then she sends another message “I saw Liam today” and he just looks at her as tears are falling down her face and places his hand on her arm in support. I. CRIED. Even after that moment, like in the next episode he’s still mute and Callie reminds him again that he’s been so strong compared to her that he’s “due for a breakdown” and not to feel any pressure to talk before he’s ready, and they fucking plant flowers together for Lena (I’m covering my mouth with one hand to keep from crying, I’m getting old feels. Remember when we used to say ‘feels’?). Ok I’m done.

Ok the storyline where Brandon is caught cheating for people on the SATs and won’t be able to go to Juilliard was POWERFUL. I loved that Brandon and Lena had a lot of bonding moments, and Lena was honest with Brandon in a way no one else was, she was like these are the consequences of your actions. You had decisions to make and you made the bad decisions every time, and now you’re here. Remember when you selling fake IDs for that dealer ended with your hand getting smashed so you can’t play classical music any more? Did you learn from that? Clearly not. POWERFUL. Lena scalped me on that day.

a storyline that never should have been written:

Most of Brandon’s storylines lmao. Him selling the fake IDs, him taking SATs for other students, him dating that 21+ woman with a kid and deciding he has to drop out of school and get a full time job to take care of her??? I love how Stef had to pull him aside and tell him “You’re Captain Save-A-Ho! And I know this because you got your Save-A-Ho gene from me!!” Brandon was MESSY. Despite being the typically “boring” of the kids in that he didn’t party or drink, he had interest in typical teen stuff, he was also impulsive in the worst way with his relationships and would get tunnel vision. Remember when Stef and Lena had to pull a restraining on Brandon for Callie??? My godddddd, a MESS. We’re not going to talk about how he finally fell in love with the right girl and she fucking dies.

BRALLIE. That bit where Callie didn’t think she was getting adopted so she FUCKS BRANDON, I’M NOT OVER IT. AHHHH.

Jude becoming a pothead. It was really dumb. I’d have been happier if the focus was on his anxiety and how it helped him.

Everything Monte related.

The time Jude downloaded Grindr and met up with a guy in his motel room?? And the guy was a grown man?? And of course he freaks out because Jude is a kid and tells him to gtfo??? That made me SOOOOO uncomfortable, which is why I hated it. BUT, I liked how the moms handled it, because obviously he’s a boy who’s curious and he’s surrounded by other kids—especially his four siblings with their tumultuous whirlwind of relationships—who are constantly making out with this person and hooking up with that person, and because he’s gay... and has this limited dating pool... and his first love moved to another fucking city to escape his homophobic dad... how does he get to explore his sexuality? who does he get to kiss at a party? This was so relatable, so many lgbtqa youth deal with this everyday, this sort of social pressure and FOMO as the cis straight kids around us are hitting all these romantic and sexual milestones while we’re sitting on an island. And obviously Stef and Lena sympathize, but then empathize how incredibly dangerous it was because Jude could’ve gotten hurt, there are guys out there who could do terrible things to him and he has to think these things through, not to mention the guy in question could’ve been just a normal dude trying to get it on and that he was put in danger—and this was the same season that explores how Jesus and Mariana’s birth father ended up on the sex offenders’ registry. It was handled well but remembering this storyline gives me anxiety.

The Jack storyline. I forgot this kid’s name and what happened to him so I had to peruse the wiki and I fell down a rabbit hole. Basically, this is a kid who was in a privatized group home, during a season in which Callie does volunteer work with a woman, Justina Marks, who is trying to pass a bill to reform child social services—only to discover that she wants to privatized the foster system to make money off of them, which of course makes Callie like do a BUNCH of risky stupid shit to take her down. So Jack gets temporarily moved into the Adams-Fosters home, proving to be a very quirky, quiet, sensitive boy, he kisses Jude after Jude’s breakup with Connor? Then reveals he’s not actually gay, he just wanted Jude to be happy? And it’s really fucking sad because he has this bleeding heart and this need to make everyone around him happy because he sees himself as this burden. Then he gets placed into a new foster home, despite Stef and Lena wanting to keep him around... and he gets put in the same foster home with the same man who abused Jude in the show’s pilot—and like the inciting incident for the show itself (Callie destroying his car to distract him from beating her brother > her going to juvie > her getting beat up in juvie > Lena seeing this poor bruised up girl and thinking “she’s my daughter now”). So Jack ends up being fostered by the horrible, abusive man who should never have been allowed to be within feet of a child again, and Stef just so happens to be one of the officers nearby when a domestic disturbance is called in, and when she arrives at the house with her partner she’s like “bruh I know this house” and when she goes into the kitchen she steps on something: a pair of glasses. Whose glasses???

JACK’S. And she quietly lays a sheet over his dead body. His foster father, who’d already been arrested once for beating Jude, shot him in a drunken rage. And CALLIE LATER FINDS OUT JuSTINA MARKS SET IT UP TO USE AS HER FACE CASE IN SUPPORT OF HER BILL.

my first thoughts on the show:

Literally the first time I heard the theme song when I randomly decided to watch it on Netflix in like 2014 (2015? I can’t remember, I don’t think season 3 was out at that point so it might’ve been 2014) I was like oh this is going to be the crying show.

my thoughts now:

I was right. I would not rewatch this show lmao, but I’m fond of it. I did randomly decide to start watching Good Trouble and surprisingly I like it and I missed the characters. I can look back and appreciate how this show handled a lot of tender topics as tastefully as they could, and examine them from a lot of different angles.

Ask me about a tv show/movie/franchise/book!

[scroll-of-thought]

there’s someone living in my home at the moment who scrutinizes my every move, talks down to me, and dismisses my issues with depression when it comes to house stuff. I’m trying to get better, but at this point they won’t really listen to me and just seem to dismiss me as dumb and lazy. (they’re also a bit misogynistic to top) I’ve tried being civil and reasonable but this person is so against me it seems nothing will work. I’ve never used magic on someone else before but I’ve (1/2)

(2/2) tried and tried and this person seems to really hate me, or at least think badly of me no matter what. what would you do in this case? my mental health is being seriously affected and I don’t feel comfortable in my own home. I’m afraid of doing any housework for fear of angering this person and them writing more long messages about how I suck, how I am too forgetful, how I’m a dumbass. I need this to stop, and I want to feel at home in a place I pay for every month with hard earned money..             

Sorry I didn’t see this last night! I've been really busy over the past few days and haven’t been online.

This sounds really rough. And I’ve seen people go through stuff like this all too often. First we’re going to go over some mundane solutions, and we’ll talk magick later. Firstly, it’s important to understand you probably can’t change a person like this with your own actions. Magick might be able to lessen their asshole-ness, but this seems like a deep seated problem in them. They’re this way because they’re a shitty person, and that’s no fault of your own, and trying to change their perspective is not only a tall order, for someone who’s actually qualified to work with them on a psychological level, but it’s also a tall order that would probably hurt you in the process of doing. If They’re belittling to your mental issues and a misogynist on top of that, they’re a lost cause. The goal here should be to lessen interaction with them, get out of the situation, or distance yourself from them as much as possible.

I don’t know the entire situation, but do they have any legal right to be there? Like, if they’re a roommate, but the lease isn’t in their name, you might be able to get them kicked out. If so, I’d look for another roommate and work on getting them kicked out. If it’s the other way around, and you can leave, I’d look into doing so as soon as you can. Find a new roommate, maybe ask friends or if you’re part of any support groups, see if anyone knows anyone who would be more understanding of your condition. Same thing goes for a therapist if you have one, they might have resources that could put you in contact with other’s who might be able to help you make those connections, and get out of that situation. If they’re family, then it might be trickier. But depending on your family, you might be able to take advantage of this. If you have sympathetic family members, go to them for help. Explain your situation, explain you’re trying and doing you best to get better, and explain that they are seriously hampering your healing process. Maybe they can talk (or shame) some sense into them. Another important thing to do, regardless of the situation, is to build a legal case. Just in case you need it. Make sure you have a paper trail for rent. Take pictures of notes they leave you. Save messages they send you. Keep all of it. I know this isn’t easy for some people, but if you can, get diagnosed with depression by a professional if you can. You never know when that can help you legally, like if they try to get you kicked out, or if they continue to harass you, or something like that.

And remember that you are paying to live there, with your hard earned money, and it’s your right to feel at home in that place. You aren’t dumb, and you’re certainly not lazy. I know how devastating depression can be, and how it can just erode your whole life around you. Just hang in there and know people like me and all the others who have been there are with you.

So let’s get to some magick :D That’s what this blogs about, right?

I’ve got a couple ideas. We’re going to take away some of their power to hurt you, try to help their disposition towards you, and we’ll try something to help cope with the depression.

First a classic binding spell.

You’re going to need: String (preferably black, but any will do) A picture of them (or we’ll make a taglock for them) Some alone time to do the spell.

If you don’t have a picture, you can simply write their whole name on a bit of paper, and if you have access to something like a bit of their hair from a brush, or something like that, it can help strengthen the connection. Simply put the hair in the paper with their name (you can tape or glue it if you want) and fold the paper up a few times, and you’ve got a taglock fitting for this simple spell.

Take your photo/taglock and wrap the string around it, starting from the front, holding it in place with your thumb, and wrapping it around behind the photo, and back to the front. Every loop you make say “[asshole’s name] I bind your power to hurt me. Your words can do no harm to me. Your malice can not injure me.” and wrap it up until you’re out of string or you’ve totally covered the photo/taglock. If it’s a photo I would make sure to at least cover the mouth as much as you can to shit him the fuck up. You’ll then tie off the string (you can also seal it with wax, or even glue if you want, but a simple knot is fine) and finish with “[Asshole], you are bound. This is my will. You can not hurt me.” (you can top it off with a “So mote it be/So I will it/Amen”, or whatever you want, if you want) and toss that shit in the trash. The spell is done, whatever happens to the taglock and string from here no longer matters. You’ve bound them and harming you should be more difficult and more taxing on them and even if they attempt to belittle you, you’ll notice it means a lot less to you than it did before, and they can go fuck themselves. Next, a Sweetening Jar. You’re going to need: A jar or similar container A photo/taglock/petition Honey/syrup/etc. (optional) Some herbs for different effects, like rosemary for protection, lavender(or maybe weed?) to make this guy chill the fuck out, or whatever else you want to customize this one with.

Sweetening jars are typically used by many online witches for love spells, but they’re  versatile and also great just changing someone’s opinion about you and making them like you more, or even just bringing peace between people. An alternative would be a freezer spell, where you literally put the spell in the freeze to make them chill the fuck out, but as you’re living together, you probably don’t want them finding the spell when they’re digging around in the freezer for food.

Also I’m going to note that there are a bunch of different ways to do this kind of spell, from lots of different traditions. Some of the better known versions online are from Hoodoo, Dominican root work, and other ethnic magicks. You’re your interested in those things, obviously do your research, be respectful to the traditions they come from, generally just use your head and best judgement if you do further reading on this. My version of this spell is super simple and doesn’t draw from any specific tradition, more so just standard symbology and force of will magick. Take your jar, and put a thin layer of honey in the bottom. Layer in the picture/taglock. Many different versions of this spell will have you wait until the end to do the spoken elements of the spell, but I like to start mine here, and I’m going to do it in an unorthidox manner. Simply start talking to the person and tell them how you feel and what’s going on. “[Asshole], this is a sweetening spell. Our relationship will improve. You’re going to chill out so I can stop calling you “Asshole” with those silly square brackets. You’re going to be more understanding and sympathetic to me. Etc, Etc.” Feel free to sprinkle in some of your “dude, chill out” herbs at this stage. Cover with more honey as your having your conversation, until you feel they’re covered enough. Mix in a layer of protection herbs when you hit any talking points on them leaving you alone. This is their time to listen, for you to tell their soul they need to stop, and for your will to shape the way they’ll begin to treat you from now on. Take that jar when you’re done with it, and stick it somewhere out of the way. Under a bed, in a closet, somewhere of no consequence. If things start to take a dip, take the jar out, tell it “Remember what we talked about” and put it back. Finally for the depression.

Honestly, if I had a cure all spell for this, I would use it right fucking now. I am going to point you in the way of my sigil tutorial and suggest you give it a read and maybe make a sigil to help you through the rough spots, or many sigils to help at different parts. I made a sigil for “I can complete my task” and turned that sigil into an amulet, and that thing has kicked me out of bed to do what has to be done, regardless of how badly I just want to stay in bed all day. Make one for “My depression has no grasp on me”, “I’m stronger than my depression”, “I have the power to complete my job” or whatever you need. So here’s a link to that tutorial (part 1, link to part to in the post).

Also advice, just as one depressed witch to another. Some of the mundane tips actually help. Like exercise. I heard “oh, go exercise and you’ll feel better!” and I was like “fuck you, you think I can get out of this bed, let alone go for a walk, when I just kind of want to stop existing? You’re fucking mad.” But that shit works. I hate it, but it works. Like, just going out for a walk and getting moving dramatically improved my state. So force yourself to give that a shot, if you can.

Another thing that helps me is positive, constructive hobbies that give a sense of achievement. Especially crafts. Making things, carving a wooden spoon, drawing something, knitting, whatever. It’s like renewed life blood when you’re feeling like shit. Taking a little blob of oven baked clay and sculpting a shitty little mushroom, but then looking at it and being like “fuck, I made this little shroom mother fucker. I’m going to take a sharpy and draw eyes on it. Shit, I made a little friend.” It’s so mentally refreshing, especially when you’re feeling super low. And I think part of it is just proving that you can do something. It’s small, sure, but you’re not finished. And that’s just the kind of empowerment you need in moments like that. It’s helped me dramatically many times over the years. And send me picture if you do pick up a crafty hobby, because I love literally all crafts and I want to see it.

Ok, well, sorry that turned into a super long post, but I hope it helps you out. Again, just know you’re not alone in any of this. Life sucks, but at least it sucks for a lot of us, and we’ve all got each other for when it gets bad. Feel free to message me anytime, and I’ll try to respond faster next time.

[brylcighs]

✧·ﾟ(   demeter + maia mitchell + cis female   ) 𝒎𝒂𝒎𝒎𝒂 𝒎𝒊𝒂 !!  have you seen (   bryleigh fox   ) around ? (   she   ) has been in kaos for (   two months   ). the (   twenty-four year old   ) is a (   baker   ) from (   boulder, colorado   ). people say they can be (   stoic   ) but maybe that’s not too bad ‘cause they can also be (   ebullient   ). whenever i think of them, i can’t help but think of (   warm blueberry muffins, black and white movies, and sunny, cloud-free mornings   ).  ·ﾟ✧  (  penned by shiloh, 21+, est, she/her   ).

trigger warnings: mental illness, ptsd, anxiety, depression, a car accident, health problems related to fertility, scars/burns, low self-esteem, drinking. ( i think that’s it, but if you run across something else triggering, pls let me know and i’ll add it to the list. )

THE MUN.

‘lo ! i’m shiloh, but you can call me shy. i’m 28, i live in the est and my preferred pronouns are she/her. 

i’m a school-based therapist and work in an elementary school. with it being summer, i don’t really have a lot going on ! so you’ll see me around quite a bit. 

i have two small puppos, minerva and newt, who are my pride and joy. p.s.: if you couldn’t tell from their names, i’m a huge harry potter fan. i also love young adult literature, i’m a true crime buff and could eat pepperoni hot pockets every day for the rest of my life. 

if you’d like to talk, you can im me on this account, on my rph @shilohrph or ask me for my discord and we can chat there !

and without further ado, allow me to introduce lil miss bryleigh. 

BASIC INFORMATION.

name: bryleigh olivia fox.

age: twenty-four.

gender/pronouns: cis femae & she/her.

orientation: panromantic pansexual. 

olympian: demeter.

occupation: head baker at physis taverna.

faceclaim: maia mitchell.

BACKGROUND.

bryleigh olivia fox was born may 8th, 1995 at 10:12am in kaos, greece to colonel william matthew fox and emma alison stewart-fox.

she has one older brother, lucas daniel fox, who is 28 and an architectural engineer. he’s married to sofia maite valdez-fox, twenty-four. they have a one-year-old daughter,  luciana irene fox. 

bryleigh also has one younger sister, peyton emelia fox, who is 20 and a college student studying communications. she’s engaged to  micah cole butler, twenty-two. they two-year-old twins addison hayley butler and aiden bryant butter. peyton is also currently 10 weeks pregnant.

because of her father’s occupation, the family has lived in different cities all over the world. besides kaos, the fox’s lived in bangkok, thailand, comayagua, honduras, misawa, japan, burkina faso, west africa,  vicenza, italy and pampanga, philippines. i made a handy dandy timeline which you can view here to better break it down.

bryleigh attended and graduated from the auguste escoffier school of culinary arts in boulder, colorado and lived there for about four years.

while living in boulder, her roommate and best friend, sofia, started dating and subsequently married her brother, lucas.

because her aesthetic is running when things get tough/complicated, bryleigh left boulder a few months after ber brother and best friend were married and moved back to kaos, greece. 

she lived in kaos for a year, living above the tavarna where she was head baker. she loved it and kinda looks back on it as the best time of her life. but a rough patch in a relationship caused her to - again - flee, returning to boulder. 

about a month after moving back to boulder, she was in a serious car accident. her vehicle slid on black ice and flipped. she almost died, but managed to pull through.

on top a concussion, many broken bones, several severe burns, some internal bleeding and innumerable cuts, scrapes, and bruises, bryleigh’s pelvis was fractured and her fallopian tubes were crushed. she also later developed  asherman’s syndrome from the surgeries/scar tissue forming. this has basically rendered her infertile. 

after the accident, bryleigh had to move in with her brother and sister-in-law/former best friend. not only did they smother bry trying to take care of her, but sofia was pregnant at the time. this served as a constant reminder of all she’d lost. 

so, as soon as she was cleared to be on her own, she told lucas and sofia that she was going to visit kaos for her birthday.

except that she was actually moving back there and didn’t want to have to deal with their worry and concern and attempts to talk her out of it. queen of running from her problems.

bryleigh has been back in kaos for about two months, and it’s not the carefree, serene place she remembered.

actually, that’s not true. it’s still the place she remembered. she’s just not the same person she once was. no matter how much she tries to pretend she is.

you can read more about her here if you feel so inclined. 

PERSONALITY. 

bryleigh is a bit of a complicated lil nugget. she’s like an onion, ya know ? she has layers. one one hand, she’s this bubbly, happy-go-lucky, upbeat ball of sunshine. but on the other hand, she’s really struggling with ptsd from the crash, as well as a good heaping of anxiety and depression. so she has times where she’s really distant and reticent.

as the ‘mom friend’, she’s always been the person that people turn to. she’s the shoulder to lean on. she’s the one who gives amazing advice. she’s the one who seems wise beyond her years. she’s the one who tells you to stop leaning back in your chair because you’re going to fall over or sets water and tylenol beside your bed after a night of partying. she cares a whole lot. like, an insane about. which is a blessing and a curse. 

what she’s struggling with post-accident is opening up about how she’s doing and how she’s really feeling, beyond the facade that she puts on for everyone. it’s like she’s physically incapable of letting people see that she’s struggling. bry doesn’t want to put that burden on anyone, ya know ? so, she’s kind of suffering in silence and bottling everything up. which is super healthy, i know. 

sarcasm and dry humor are two of her favorite coping skills. she’s also really great at self-deprecating humor !

the accident left her with quite a lot of scars and several skin grafts from having third-degree burns treated, and she’s incredibly self-conscious about them. she covers her low self-esteem up with jokes and humor, but she really is quite sensitive about her appearance. 

as i mentioned, she tends to run from her problems rather than addressing them. and if she can’t run, she makes a joke out of them and doesn’t take them seriously. or she bottles up all the emotions from the problem and pretends it’s not a big deal. i know. her coping skills are so healthy.

the only thing that bryleigh has ever wanted is to be a mom. she’s basically had baby fever since she was old enough to understand the birds and the bees. she always imagined being a stay-at-home mom, taking care of a shew of children and her husband/wife. but since the accident, she’s not sure if that’s what she still wants of her life. she no longer has no direction, and really feels like she’s floundering.

part of her is worried about having kids ( through adoption or surrogacy or on the off-chance that she can naturally conceive ) because the hate in her heart after the accident is so dark and consuming and terrifying. she feels like maybe the car accident did more than break her bones. maybe it broke her as a person. and maybe she’s not capable of loving someone now. or if she is, she’s worried that what she loves will get taken from her. and she doesn’t know if she can stand to lose anything else. 

EXTRA.

she starts every morning with a cup of black coffee and a banana nut muffin and ends every evening with a cup of peppermint tea and two homemade jaffa cakes.

bryleigh has a chocolate labrador retriever named yolo. he’s ancient. she’s not really sure how old he is, but the shelter she adopted him from said that he’d been there for several years. so, she absolutely had to take him home with her. yolo’s very loving and sweet and a lil lazy and he loves pitless olives. she has huge birthday parties for him on his gotcha day, august 12th. 

her walls are covered with abstract art from a bunch of different countries. they remind her of her childhood and everywhere she’s traveled. 

favorite thing in the world to do is have a bunch of her friends over, make a slew of homemade pizzas and desserts, pop open several bottles of rosé wine, throw pillows and blankets all over the floor and watch movies of various genres until everyone falls asleep. 

she loves 80′s music and prefers to listen to records rather than stream music or what have you. it sounds more authentic that way. at least, in her opinion. 

her apartment looks like a forest. she has plants everywhere. e v e r y w h e r e. she’s also a really good plant mom and has named all of her children. she talks to them and knows their favorite songs. maybe she’s a tad bit psychotic. who isn’t, though ?

since the accident, she’s developed a huge fear of driving. she won’t drive. ever. she either walks, rides her bike or takes an uber. if she can get away with not having to ride in a car, though, she much prefers that option. i mean, can you blame her ?

she loves astrology and tarrot readings and ghost hunts and talking about aliens and going on hunts for cryptids. she’s always thought there has to be more to life than what we can see, so she’s open to at least considering most everything, ya know ?

her closest friends call her foxy. everyone else calls her bry. some people call her bryleigh ? but i can’t imagine why. it’s a mouthful. 

send her memes and you’ll have her heart. she has a huge folder of them saved on her phone. there might or might not be more memes on her phone than actual pictures. hint: there totally is. 

bryleigh can speak english, spanish, filipino, greek, italian, thai, japanese, swahili, hausa and a little bit of a berber dialect to varying degrees of success. she’s most comfortable with english, spanish and greek, and least comfortable with the african languages. she can also write in a variety of writing systems, though not nearly as well as she can speak the languages. she’s forgotten a lot of the rules and method that go along with many of them.

PLOT IDEAS.

you can read about all my connection ideas right here !

NOTE: i’m open to pretty much anything, so if you have an idea, run it by me ! more than likely, i’ll approve and start rambling off ideas and headcanons and half-formed thoughts until you politely tell me to shut the fuck up. sounds fun, right ?

THE END.

thanks so much for reading this monster post ! i don’t know how to be concise. i’ve tried. i tried here. obviously, i failed. but i love you all. i can’t wait to write and interact with you all and your lovely, wonderful characters ! hasta la vista, baby.