#I’m going to die alone and unloved and I know that and god how can I try to get better knowing that that’s where I’ll end up

[doctor-wombat]

:)

[cdyssey]

It's that tiny, baby goat named Bruce being brown and furry, like the pelt Shauna Shipman wrapped her dead baby in.

It's the fact that it's a boy goat too.

It's her immediate and irrational fear—upon even hearing the word sacrifice—that she's going to have to kill the kid. The goat. The baby. This precious, innocent life in her care. Because everything she loves gets taken away from her, doesn't it?

All her fault.

Every last bit of it.

She can't have anything that she doesn't eventually hurt.

(And yes, it's about Jackie. It's always about Jackie, even when she swears that it's not. Jackie, her first victim. Jackie, her first love.)

(She's wearing her shirt in this episode. She's wearing her life in this whole damn series.)

It's her sitting alone in the woods, disassociating, triggered by a goddamn goat, and it's her utter panic when she realizes that he's missing.

It's Misty telling her, “Well, you’re not that innocent either.”

And it's her so bitterly replying, “Do you think I don’t know that?” as she frantically searches for Bruce, yet another living creature that she thinks she’s failed.

It's the tenderness with which she holds him when she finds him again, mothering him so gently. She tells him—this goat—that he's delusional and dumb if he thinks she's gonna hold him all day, but then she fucking does it! She holds him! She cradles him to her chest like a baby, and it's so lovely.

But it's so, so sad too.

Because it's her pleading with the barn worker to make sure that the goat is okay; she doesn't trust her ability to take care of him; she'll fucking lose it if he gets hurt in her care.

And it's this guy robotically replying, "The kid’s care is entwined with your own." And it’s the way that Shauna's pupils immediately blow, and we intimately understand—well before she tells Lottie—that she's thinking about that baby in the woods.

And she's thinking about Callie.

And she's thinking that if this much is true—if her ability to care for herself is the metric by which she can care for a kid—then, of course, her children are so totally fucked.

With her as a mother, they were doomed from the very start.

(Relatedly, it’s Melanie Lynskey saying in an interview: “I don’t think Shauna’s really disappointed in people. I think she’s disappointed in herself. She takes things out on herself, and she just feels kind of fundamentally unlovable.”)

It’s her confrontation with Lottie, which is charged with their fraught and bloody past, by Lottie's obsession with the wilderness baby, by the dream where the baby is cannibalized, by Lottie's willingness to become both Shauna's punching bag and martyr.

It's the tears that run down her face as she says, as she confesses:

"I’m not crying about the goat. I don’t really know, um, what’s happening right now. Um, I think it’s just that I’ve always kept my daughter, you know, Callie, like, at arm’s length. I think just out of fear that she would… die, I guess. Or maybe that she was never even real to begin with. I don’t know. I try to tell myself it’s okay. That I’m safe to… to think of her as-as mine, you know, and to just be her mom. But I think something is broken, Lottie. I just can’t do it.

God, it’s how every line of this monologue is so fucking broken and raw. She told that bastard cop that she's just not very good at loving her daughter, and here is both the reason why and the brutal extent. In the woods, her baby died, but for just a brief moment, in the tantalizing spaces of that dream turned hellish nightmare, he lived. But then he died again; he was consumed; or was he?

No.

Abso-fucking-lutely-yes, but not in the way that Shauna could have ever conceived.

Because this is the idea that she can't think of Callie as her own when that first baby was never hers either.

Not really.

Our baby, Lottie had called him. He was their communal savior, their shining hope, their personal Jesus who didn’t live.

And Shauna's singular moment alone with him had been a cruel fantasy too.

It's her murderous rage at his death, the violence that such grief engenders in her, which in and of itself is an echo of Misty's Steel Magnolias monologue—the way she wants to hit someone until they feel as bad as they do.

It’s how she can't allow herself to love Callie completely because of her fundamental incapacity to discern reality from the nightmare. In the cabin, she accuses them all of killing her baby. Every goddamn day she fears that her daughter will die, if she even exists at all.

It's the panic in her eyes when she clutches the phone and asks Jeff if Callie is okay all the same.

Because that's her first instinct, her immediate assumption.

That something with her daughter is horribly wrong.

And that's the crux in the end, the horrible conclusion to all these frayed and tangled threads.

Something going wrong is the only reality that Shauna Shipman can ever reliably count upon. The entirety of her life is an open, gushing wound.

[saltpepperbeard]

What are your top 5 Ed x Stede moments? 😊 I’m curiously asking several blogs to see how many of us share favorites!

MAN, anon! I tried to give this one some thought to see if the choosing would get any easier/become any clearer. Spoiler alert: IT DID NOT HSDLKS I AM STILL JUST AS TORN AS I WAS BEFORE. But let me see if I can at least ~*~attempt this~*~. My first three were easy but then the LAST TWO HAD ME PACING SHDLKS:

So okay, obviously have to put their first kiss in the ranking because it's so iconic and it's the thing that got me into the show in the first place! Like, literally the FIRST scene I laid eyes upon. And it had me crying full blown tears at work because I was just so floored that we weren't queer baited and that it was so sweet and tentative and cautious and just,,, The rest was history of course lol!

Like really, the Power it has. Didn't even know the characters or the story that much at all, and was already crying LMAO.

Then of course I have to put the second beach kiss(es) because good god lol GOOD GOD!!! I think I adore it so so much mainly because Ed and Stede are finally on the same page. No more doubts, no more worries, no more anxieties, no more questioning if they have the same feelings or are going too slow/fast. Just them and their strong, solid love--their good bones.

Not to mention Ed dropping the double "I love you" ??? I cannot even begin to express how thankful I am that we heard a legitimate "I love you." And Ed being the one to say it after all the hurt, all the pain in feeling unlovable, all the fear that he'd die completely alone, all the worry that his strong feelings were too much...Man. MAN.

And thennnnn the reunion scene because yeah. Yeah. I've said this before and I'll say it again: watching this at like 4:30am for the first time almost gave me an out of body experience HSLDSHS. Like, I think there's just something about the fact that we were all going through so many different iterations of possible reunions during the s1-s2 gap. We envisioned angsty, silly, romantic, and everything in between.

But this lol THIS,,,

I feel like it just surpassed expectations in such a beautiful, fantastical way. Like genuinely, I never EVER anticipated Ed being stuck in purgatory about to die and Stede coming to him as a mermaid because the real Stede is sitting with his body begging him not to succumb.

Also, Stede begging and screaming at Ed not to die/to wake up/to come back to him always makes me feel some sort of way. Something something he's normally so silly and so theatrical but he's so choked up and so serious in that moment that it PUNCHES ME IN THE KIDNEYS. Like it really just goes to show how utterly desperate he is. And that last, whispered, strained, "come back to me..." ??? Homie............

ALSO also, obligatory "This Woman's Work" mention because I knew that song and nothing else for like two months straight HSKLDS. Or two months gay, rather.

...

see this is where i start Dying because i'm being pulled in so many different directions lol DO I GO FOR ROMANTIC, OR SILLY, OR EARNEST, OR,,, SKLDJHLDJKDKDA

Okay okay I think I'm going to have to go earnest because I adore that they actually talked things through together. FLEETING LMAO, BUT STILL GLAD THEY DID, EVEN IF IT WAS JUST FOR A BIT. I just love that they actually expressed some frustrations, that Stede actually talked about his fears/his panic, that Ed set a boundary, and that Stede respected it. And then Stede gently navigated around and expressed his love in different ways and it folded Ed in half almost immediately hsdkljs YOU LOVE TO SEE IT.

But yeah no--if me rolling around Atticus' fics and me writing my own stories is any indication, I really REALLY LIKE IT WHEN THESE TWO ACTUALLY TALK LMAO. BECAUSE THEY HAVE SO SO MUCH BOTTLED UP, BOTH INDIVIDUALLY AND AS A COUPLE, SO IT'S JUST HSLDKS TALK IT THROUGH AS A CREW OF TWO MY BELOVED!!!

......

oh god oh god what do i pick for the last one lol WHAT DO I PICK FOR THE LAST ONE,,,

mmmMMmmmMMMM,,,,,,

SUCCUMBED TO MORE TALKING IT THROUGH LMAO.

I love so many of their other moments, and honestly, so many things could have made this list. But the bathtub scene...man. Taika saying it's more vulnerable and even more romantic than their first kiss is shdljks yeah. YEAH. LIKE HE'S COOKING A BIT WITH THAT BECAUSE IT'S JUST,,,

I feel like it's such a pivotal and important step in their relationship. Ed has literally never told that secret to anyone else, but he entrusted it with Stede. He feels safe enough around Stede to expose the darkest parts of his past, and he's entirely right to do so, because Stede doesn't view him any differently at all. Stede is right there, wanting to be his friend--loving him still.

And I think it's also good for Stede because of that vulnerability. He gets to see how much Ed trusts him and feels safe around him. He's getting to see Ed and Ed alone, which can't be said for so many other people.

It's just the two of them in that moment and I adore it so much.

...I just adore THEM so much, anon, so thank you for spreading this sweet little ask around! It was super fun to consider, aLBEIT SLIGHTLY RGGHGHGHH INDUCING BECAUSE I COULD INCLUDE SO MUCH LMAO. But thank you kindly! <3

Also, for the record, if I had to rank them from most favorite to still favorite but not AS favorite, I'd go Double Beach Kiss, Reunion, First Kiss, Love Everything About You, and Bathtub.

[machinerider]

𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐎𝐌 𝐌𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐈𝐍 𝐆𝐎𝐀𝐓𝐒 𝐋𝐘𝐑𝐈𝐂𝐒

a collection of some of my favorite and some of the rawest lyrics from north carolina-based indie dad rock band The Mountain Goats i could think of without making this meme a novella. many mature themes present & especially so if you decide to listen to john’s music.

‘ i am gonna make it through this year if it kills me. ’ ‘ people say friends don’t destroy one another. what do they know about friends? ’ ‘ woke up afraid of my own shadow. like genuinely afraid. ’ ‘ headed for the pawnshop to buy myself a switchblade. ’ ‘ i feel guilty but i can’t feel ashamed. ’ ‘ it’s okay to find the faith to saunter forward. ’ ‘ lord send me a mechanic if i’m not beyond repair. ’ ‘ there’s bound to be a ghost at the back of your closet no matter where you live. ’ ‘ there’s gonna come a day when you feel better. ’ ‘ i’m gonna bribe the officials, i’m gonna kill all the judges. ’ ‘ it’s gonna take you people years to recover from all of the damage. ’ ‘ our friends say it’s darkest before the sun rises, we’re pretty sure they’re all wrong. ’ ‘ i hope when you think of me years down the line you can’t find one good thing to say. ’ ‘ i hope that if i found the strength to walk out you’d stay the hell out of my way. ’ ‘ i am drowning, there is no sign of land. ’ ‘ you are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand. ’ ‘ i hope you die. i hope we both die. ’ ‘ cling to my convictions even when i get hurt. ’ ‘ but i’ve tried the losing side, i don’t wanna die in here. ’ ‘ you found my breaking point. congratulations. ’ ‘ spent too much of my life now trying to play fair. ’ ‘ i’m walking out of here in one piece, don’t care what comes after. ’ ‘ do every stupid thing that makes you feel alive. ’ ‘ some things you do just to see how bad they’ll make you feel. ’ ‘ some people crash two or three times and then learn from their mistakes. ’ ‘ mistreat your altar boys long enough and this is what you get. ’ ‘ a tiger’s never going to change its stripes. ’ ‘ too long i’ve let my self respect stand in my way. ’ ‘ you can stand up, you can run. you and i both know what you’ve done. ’ ‘ i will carry you home in my teeth. ’ ‘ spat out my morning prayers. desperate pleas and viscous lies. ’ ‘ there are no pan-asian supermarkets down in hell. ’ ‘ feast when you can, and dream when there's nothing to feast on. ’ ‘ the most remarkable thing about coming home to you is the feeling of being in motion again. ’ ‘ i am not this body that imprisons me. ’ ‘ look hard at my stripes, there’ll be no more after me. ’ ‘ sing for the damage we’ve done and the worse things that we’ll do. ’ ‘ i know you’d kill me if you could stand the sight of blood. ’ ‘ i can see the future, it’s a real dark place. ’ ‘ i’m doing this for revenge. ’ ‘ john rambo never went to vietnam. ’ ‘ i am healthy, i am whole. but i have poor impulse control. ’ ‘ i wanna go home, but i am home. ’ ‘ i’m going to get my perfect body back someday. ’ ‘ if not by faith then by the sword i’m going to be restored. ’ ‘ and i can't think of one thing in this whole wide blessed world that's more dangerous and frightening than you when you get bored. ’ ‘ i am coming home to you with my own blood in my mouth. ’ ‘ i am coming home to you if it’s the last thing that i do. ’ ‘ you’re the last best thing i’ve got going. ’ ‘ so i follow you down your twisting alleyways, find a few cul-de-sacs of my own. ’ ‘ there’s only one place this road ever ends up and i don’t wanna die alone. ’ ‘ wake up sixty minutes after my head hits the pillow. i can’t live like this. ’ ‘ believe in your heart and confess with your lips. surely you will be saved one day. ’ ‘ wait as long as i have to for good news. ’ ‘ a kind and loving god won’t let my small ship run aground. ’ ‘ no one hopes to hear the bagman call. ’ ‘ no friends closer than the ones we lost. ’ ‘ no greater love than to lay my life down for a friend. ’ ‘ look high: it’s my last hope! ’ ‘ i need justice in my life, here it comes. ’ ‘ i’ve been told it’s real sweet to grow old. ’ ‘ i don’t mean it when i tell you “i don’t love you anymore”. ’ ‘ what’ll i do when i don’t have you? when i finally get what i deserve? ’ ‘ you can’t give me back what you’ve taken. but you can give me something that’s almost as good. ’ ‘ look at the person i’ve turned into. tell me, how do you like him now? ’ ‘ i am right where you want me. do what you brought me out here for. ’ ‘ you can arm me to the teeth, you can’t make me go to war. ’ ‘ i’m under no illusion as to what i meant to you. ’ ‘ but you made an impression. sometimes i still feel the bruise. ’

[cosmicjoke]

Lestat and the loss of belief in his own humanity:

“I told her that the real pain for me as an evil being was that I understood goodness, and I respected it.  I had never been without a conscience.  But all my life- even as a mortal boy- I had always been required to go against my conscience to obtain anything of intensity or value.”

“I told her that I Had run off with a band of actors when I was a boy, committing an obvious sin of disobedience.  I had committed the sin of fornication with one of the young woman of the troupe  Yet those days, acting on the village stage and making love, had seemed of inestimable value!  “You see, that’s when I was alive, merely alive.  The trivial sins of a boy!  After I was dead, every step I took in the world was a commitment to sin, and yet at every turn I saw the sensual and the beautiful.”

“Was this human to want her understanding, this desperate fear that I would die in her arms, and no one would ever know who I’d been or what had taken place?

Ah, but the others, they knew, and they had not come to help me.”

“I won’t let you die,” she whispered in my ear.  But I heard the fear which she couldn’t disguise.  Sleep rolled over me, thinly, so that the room retained its shape, its color, its light.  I called upon the others again, begging Marius to help me.  I began to think of terrible things- that they were all there as so many small white statues with the Virgin and with Saint Rita, watching me, and refusing to help.”

This is so messed up.  You can literally see how Lestat’s experiences being in this mortal body, how this near death experience he’s had, and how the very real possibility of dying alone and unknown, unwanted, unloved, and not needed, is driving him to look back on his past as a mortal with a negative self-perception.  How it’s making him believe that pursuing his goals, going against the will of his father and brothers, was what he’d always feared it to be, some sort of proof of his inherently evil nature.  This idea born in Catholic guilt, that to pursue one’s desires, to indulge ones wants and needs, to try, in fact, to make oneself happy, is a sin, is inherently evil.  You can see how the misery of this experience for Lestat has totally reinforced this idea in his mind that his very nature, the greatness of his will, his refusal to accept defeat, his refusal to give up, makes him a bad person.

He continues to have visions of Clauda, scolding him, demanding that he confess his sins, that he admit to his lack of remorse for his past actions.

“Claudia, listen to me.  I didn’t begin it.  I didn’t make the world!  It was always there, this evil.  It was in the shadows, and it caught me, and made me part of it, and I did what I felt I must.  Don’t laugh at me, please, don’t turn your head away.  I didn’t make evil!  I didn’t make myself!”

“It wasn’t all anguish... It wasn’t hell.  Tell me it wasn’t.  Tell me there was happiness.  Can devils be happy?  Dear God, I don’t understand.”

“Yes, and I’m not sorry.  I’m not.  I would roar it from the rooftops right up into the dome of heaven.  Claudia, I would do it again!  I would do it again!”

“I am the ideal of my kind... I am the perfect vampire  You are looking at the Vampire Lestat when you look at me. No one outshines this figure you see before you- no one!  I am not time’s fool, nor a god hardened by the millennia; I am not the trickster in the black cape, nor the sorrowful wanderer.  I have a conscience.  I know right from wrong.  I know what I do, and yes, I do it.  I am the Vampire Lestat.  That’s your answer.  Do with it what you will.”

He’s totally convinced at this point of what he’s always been made to feel, from seemingly everyone, that to be himself is to be evil.  Nicki made him feel it, with his accusations that Lestat’s refusal to “go down”, that his “light” is what wrought Nicki’s own self-destruction.  Gabrielle made him feel it, with her annoyance and dismissal of his desire for her affection, by showing him that his desire to keep her with him was a burden on her own existence.  His father and brothers made him feel it, by forcing him again and again to come back home, by punishing him for running away, telling him he was selfish and that he had brought shame upon them all in trying to pursue his dreams.  Armand made him feel it, by blaming him for the destruction of his coven.  Louis and Claudia made him feel it, through their resentment and hatred of him and his silence, his inability to tell them the truth.  And now this experience, this awful, awful experience, this shattering of Lestat’s illusions as to what it means to be human, has sealed these negative self-beliefs.  He’s convinced himself that he always wanted to be what he is, that that’s why he hates being in this mortal body so much.  He doesn’t understand that it’s simply a lack of conditioning now, that he’s grown so accustomed to existing without the suffering and limitations of the human form, that to be suddenly thrust into that, and to have what has to be the worst possible experience of it, becoming so sick that he nearly dies, would make ANYONE want immediately to go back to the freedom and ease of being an immortal who is invulnerable to any form of illness, or pain, or physical misery.  This is just so fucking sad man.

“There’s no place for us on earth... Perhaps there was once, I don’t know.  The fact that we exist is no justification.  Hunters drove wolves from the world.  I thought if I revealed our existence that hunters would drive us from the world too.  But it wasn’t to be.  My brief career was a string of illusions.  No one believes in us.  And that’s how it’s meant to be.  Perhaps we are to die of despair, to vanish from the world very slowly, and without a sound.

Only I can’t bear it.  I can’t bear to be quiet and be nothing, and to take life with pleasure, and to see the creations and accomplishments of mortals all around me, and not to be part of them, but to be Cain.  The lonely Cain.  That’s the world to me, you see- what mortals do and have done.  It isn’t the great natural world at all.  If it was the natural world then maybe I would have had a better time of it being immortal than I did.  It’s the accomplishments of mortals.  The paintings of Rembrandt, the memorials of the capital city in the snow, great cathedrals.  And we are cut off eternally from such things, and rightfully so, and yet we see them with our vampire eyes.”

Lestat’s suffering is born from his humanity, and that’s what makes his belief in his inherent evil so awful and tragic.  He says it here himself, that the world to him is the world of man.  Not the natural world, but the accomplishments of man, art and science and human creation.  When he had his existential crisis, back when he was mortal, the natural world and it’s seeming meaninglessness made him despair completely.  His ONLY solace was in the beauty of the human will, his only port in the storm was to cling to the human ability to give OURSELVES meaning through our own creation, through our own wills and our own purpose.  To create something good, out of the chaos and pointlessness of the universe.  But Lestat was robbed of that ability when he was made into a vampire.  He was cut off from that human world he found his only solace in.  He was forever separated from it.  His very nature then was that of a predator, feeding off of human life to give himself pleasure, to make his meaningless existence better.  He felt, as a vampire, there was now nothing he could do to give his life purpose.  He simply existed now for no reason, as nature exists for no reason.  This is the very source of Lestat’s torment.  His inability to matter, to anything. 

“Why did you change bodies with a mortal man?”

“To walk in the sun again for one day.  To think and feel and breathe like a mortal.  Maybe to test a belief.”

“What was the belief?”

“That being mortal again was what we all wanted, that we were sorry that we’d given it up, that immortality wasn’t worth the loss of our human souls.  But I know now I was wrong.”

“I’d much rather be a vampire... I don’t like being mortal.  I don’t like being weak, or sick, or fragile, or feeling pain.  It’s perfectly awful.  I want my body back as soon as I can get it from that thief.”

“My greatest sin has always been that I have a wonderful time being myself.  My guilt is always there; my moral abhorrence for myself is always there; but I have a good time.  I’m strong; I’m a creature of great will and passion.  You see, that’s the core of the dilemma for me- how can I enjoy being a vampire so much, how can I enjoy it if it’s evil?

And yet, again, his experience in this story, the misery he goes through as a mortal man, is so terrible, that it drives him to want to return to his immortal, vampiric form, and that desire to escape his misery by becoming a vampire once again reinforces Lestat’s belief that he’s inherently evil.  He thinks he can’t possibly be good, because he’s convinced now that his desire to be a part of the human world, to be able to do good in the world, was a lie.  It wasn’t.  That part of Lestat, that desire to matter and to do something that matters, to do good, was always real.  It’s STILL real.  But because he wants to escape the fear and horror and misery of being in this weak, vulnerable and sick body, he thinks he must have always wanted it, and that he’s been lying to himself this whole time about his guilt, about his feelings of remorse, about the pain he feels over what he is.  Again, none of that is a lie.  Lestat’s pain and remorse is as real a part of him as anything.  But he’s always been made to believe by those around him that his will, his perseverance, his refusal to accept defeat, is a destructive force, an inherently evil force.  His enjoyment in being a vampire, his embracing of his vampiric nature, his reveling in it, is a PRODUCT of that will and perseverance.  It isn’t because Lestat is evil.  It isn’t because he always wanted to be a vampire and just didn’t care about the death and misery being a vampire caused.  It was that Lestat, no matter what situation he’s in, no matter how hopeless or impossible the odds seem, or how miserable his conditions are, will always make the best of it.  No matter what the situation is, Lestat will always fight through, because that’s who he is.  He has an incredible will and an incredible ability to hope and to endure.  But he convinces himself here that his taking a horrible situation and making it work for him (being a vampire) is because he’s just a very bad guy.  Truly, truly, this is tragic.  I can’t even put into words how tragic this is.

I find Lestat’s sexual encounter  with the nun who nurses him back to health incredibly revealing, when comparing it to his sexual encounter with the woman from the cafe. 

Lestat ends up forcing himself on the woman from the cafe because he was in a place of horrified fear and disappointment and misery, brought on by how utterly unprepared he was for being mortal again.  He was approaching everything with the attitude of someone who was still a vampire, who still had his vampiric abilities, and in finding those abilities gone, had become incredibly hurt and exposed, stumbling into countless errors and bad situations.  He barreled into that encounter with the desperation of a man trying to salvage just one, positive experience to match up with what his memories of what being mortal was like.  Everything leading up to it was frantic, and tortured and lonely, laced with panic and terror and uncertainty.  He doesn’t think of the woman or what he’s doing because he’s so sunk in his own misery. 

By contrast, his experience with the nun is the complete opposite.  He’s thoughtful and considerate and careful with her, painfully aware of himself and holding himself in check, making sure he doesn’t hurt her.  He’s become used to being in this human form.  She’s nursed him back to health, shown him incredible kindness and acceptance, spoken with him deeply about God and philosophy and shown him understanding and no judgment.  Everything seems better to him suddenly as he begins to recover.  The food tastes good, where before it tasted like glue and salt, the warmth of the bed he’s in feels wonderful, it feels good to drink wine. He’s experiencing the high of recovering ones health after a near death experience. 

He isn’t approaching this sexual encounter with her the way he had with the woman from the cafe.  There, he was still unprepared and unable to accept his new found mortal limitations.  There, he was still in the mindset of the vampire.  He got so sick in the first place because he wasn’t able to let go of what he was used to, and had been used to, for the past 210 years of his life. 

Here, he’s accepted and understands his limitations now, he’s almost died, and he’s recovered, he’s been mortal for several days and several nights now.  He’s let his human nature take over again, and that human nature is leading and guiding him.  He approaches her like a mortal man.  It isn’t the thought of blood that arouses him now, it’s her living warmth and flesh.

“No thoughts came to me of the blood drinking; no thought at all of the thunder of the life inside her which I might have consumed, a dark draught, at another time.  Rather the moment was perfumed with the soft heat of her living flesh.  And it seemed vile that anything could harm her, anything mar the common mystery of her- of her trust and her yearning and her deep and common fear.”

“A wave of protectiveness passed over me when I looked at her sleeping face, when I thought of the soft distracted look I had seen in her eyes.  Even her voice was tinged with a deep melancholy.  There was something about her which suggested a profound resignation.  Whatever happened, I would not leave her, I thought, until I knew what I could do to repay her.  Also I liked her.  I liked the darkness inside her, the concealed quality of her, and the simplicity of her speech and movements, the candor in her eyes.”

“Had it been a union?  Were we one with each other in this clamorous silence?

I don’t think that it was union.  On the contrary, it seemed the most violent of seperations; two contrary beings flung at each other in heat and clumsiness, in trust and in menace, the feelings of each unknowable and unfathomable to the other- the sweetness terrible as its brevity; its loneliness hurtful as its undeniable fire.

And never had she looked so frail to me as she did now, her eyes closed, her head turned into the pillow, her breasts no longer heaving but very still.  It seemed an image to provoke violence- to beckon to the most wanton cruelty in a male heart.

Why was this so?

I didn’t want any other mortal to touch her!

I didn’t want her own guilt to touch her.  I didn’t want regret to hurt her, or for any of the evils of the human mind to come near her.”

Lestat is so convinced of his own, inherent evil now, brought on by his desire to get out of the horror of being mortal, that he doesn’t see what he’s like when he’s not a vampire.  He wants to protect this woman, he sees the beauty in her, and is gentle with her, and kind to her.  He wants to repay her for her kindness, and he admires her for her goodness.  Lestat doesn’t see that this is his human nature, a nature which still exists within his vampiric form, but which must battle with his predatory vampiric nature. 

The greatest tragedy of this story, of this experience for Lestat of being mortal again, is in how it’s made him lose belief in his own humanity, in his own goodness.  And that tragedy is really driven home in moments like this, where we see that humanity, where we see that goodness, but we know Lestat himself is absolutely blind to it, convinced instead of his own monstrosity, mortal or vampire.

This exchange between them really says it all

“Come, lie down and sleep.  There’s time for me to heal and for you to be certain it’s what you really want.  I wouldn’t dream of forcing you, of doing anything cruel to you.”

“But why, if you’re the devil, can you speak with such kindness?”

“I told you, that’s the mystery.  Or it’s the answer, one or the other.  Come, come lie beside me.”

Lestat was once like this woman, Gretchen, wanting only to do good in the world, to make some sort of difference through acts of good.  He’s still that person, deep in his soul.  It’s why Mojo loves him and hates Raglan James, because the dog could sense the difference between them, despite Lestat being a vampire.  But Lestat’s been too long a vampire now to ever be fully human again.  He can’t go back to being mortal.  

The mystery is that Lestat is a good man who once refused to be turned into a vampire despite his overwhelming fear of death and its meaninglessness, but who was turned anyway against his will, and so who’s inherent goodness now must forever be at odds with the inherent evil of his vampirism. 

Lestat’s visions of Claudia, the conversations he has with Claudia are, I think, Lestat having a conversation with his own conscience.  And when he comes at last to this conclusive belief in his own evil, there’s this exchanged with Gretchen

“There is a secret reason you came down to earth,” she said, “that you came into the body of a man.  Same reason that Christ did it.”

“And that is?”

“Redemption,” she said.

“Ah, yes, to be saved.  Now wouldn’t that be lovely?”

I wanted to say more, how perfectly impossible it was to even consider such a thing, but I was sliding away, into a dream.  And I knew Claudia would not be there.

Maybe it wasn’t a dream after all, only a memory.  I was with David in Rijksmuseum and we were both looking at the great painting by Rembrandt.

To be saved.  What a thought, what a lovely, extravagant, and impossible thought... How nice to have found the one mortal woman in all the world who would seriously think of such a thing.

And Claudia wasn’t laughing anymore.  Because Claudia was dead.”

He says Claudia isn’t laughing anymore at him, that she won’t be there anymore when he dreams, because she’s dead.  He really means his own conscience is dead.  His humanity is dead.  That’s what he believes.

That’s the tragedy of Lestat.  That’s what makes this story so powerful and so heartbreaking.  Truly, this book is brilliant.

[seafoam-mermaid]

I’m so depressed I don’t know if I can cope anymore. I’m not suicidal but I don’t want to live anymore. It’s just so hard to accept the reality of my life. I’ve been trying for so many years to not let myself wallow in self pity, to focus on the good things. But it’s getting harder and harder to do that. Literally everyone my age is already married, most even already have children. Everyone has their careers, houses, and families. But me, I’m moving back home because I have nowhere else to go and I am not wanted or needed anywhere. I’m just so sick of trying to keep myself from completely shattering and falling apart, I am exhausted. In reality all I ever want to do is break down and sob and scream and rip my skin off because no one knows my pain, no one can come even close to understanding my circumstances. I am in my mid thirties and I have never once had a boyfriend, or been kissed, or ever even been flirted with or asked out. If I let myself think about it for longer than a few seconds I feel I will vomit or pass out from the despair of it all. But that is my reality. I want to scream out to god and to anyone who will listen, if they can understand me even a little, understand my pain. I feel so alone. I can’t describe how agonizingly alone I feel. For most people it gets better, but not for me. I remember feeling this way ten years ago and I still feel the same way. My worst nightmare has come true. I have run out of time. I really am as unlovable as I have always feared and I really will die alone, not ever having experienced love even once. I just don’t want to exist anymore.

[marimeleon]

gender

I wake up. I feel like I’m being suffocated, but I’m taking deep breaths anyway. What the fuck.

My chest is too tight. Too loose. Too big. Too small. My hips, too. My stomach. Everything is too round and massive but somehow not enough to fill any shirt or pants anyway, unless it’s on the days that I don’t want them to. Suddenly I’m perfectly able to fill my shirts with a chest I never asked for. Until I want to. Then it empties out again, a glass of water being poured out until my brain fills it back up with opposites and illusions.

I have to rip my eyes off the mirror, only to lock eyes with myself in the other. My face, soft and round and oily and filthy. I can’t scrub the blur off of my jawline, I can’t sculpt and morph my face as I please. My glasses are so dirty my eyes itch. I know I won’t bother to clean them.

My hair. God, my hair. Lovely and long, heavy and disgusting. I love my long hair. No I don’t. Sure I do, I’m growing it on purpose. But it would be so much easier to just cut it.

I feel eyes on me. I know I’m alone. Of course I’m alone. I’m always alone. Everybody gets thrown away from me. I have a really good arm for that. But the eyes, they don’t go away. And I feel like somebody’s breathing down my neck, long fingers stroking my too-long-not-long-enough hair even though I’m looking at myself in the mirror and nothing is there. I know I’m crazy. I know I’m sleep deprived. But I can’t help that the pain that comes from being awake at night is the most freeing feeling I could ever hope to feel.

Do I wanna be a guy today? No one else would notice. I don’t even know who’s lying to me. It’s always respect until “what’s your real name? I need to write it on the paper” “what are you really?” “how can I help you? don’t you know I can’t help you if you don’t tell me how?” I know when I leave no matter what I’m nothing but my height and chest and hips and hair and manners and voice and face and and and

How about a girl? It would sure be easier. I already fit the mold. Avery is just such a cute name for a girl, right? And I’d make such a cute girl. Living wrongly, but it’s not wrong, is it? It’s not wrong when I’m with girls and suddenly I’m one of them? When I’m with guys and I’m terrified because I know I’m not safe with them? 

Maybe neither. Both? It feels awkward when I’m in the car and they talk about how much they’d love to “fuck a trap” but what am I meant to do? Who am I to say anything? To be offended? To sit there and talk about shit that I can barely relate to because it’s not like I make an effort. An old binder and no hormones and no surgery and no masculine clothes, because I just want to be pretty like a man is pretty. Is it so wrong to be seen as me? I don’t like labels. I’m sure some of that is underlying insecurity, and I’m positive it’s because I’m tired of being me. Maybe if I don’t exist in a community, I’ll stop existing at all. Human nature is to find a pack, but every pack I find is full of people that don’t take me as I am. I am me. No one seems to get that. But how do I explain that without sounding fucking insane? How do I explain, “I’m a boy! But I’m not! Please respect me.”

I don’t even respect me. How pathetic that I ask people to respect somebody I don’t even look up to. Weak.

I wake up. Today’s better, I guess. I’m less hollow, but it’s turned from empty weight to something heavier than I can tank. Mom gets mad at me. I get it. I would be mad too. Who wouldn’t be mad at somebody who can’t get their shit together? 4 years of therapy for what, somebody who doesn’t want to die anymore? Everyone got that memo when they left middle school, why did it take me so long? Am I broken? Probably. I think I figured that one out a while back. I dunno. Shit’s fake.

Expect it’s not. I am real. I am a tangible person. Tangible friends and family, people who objectively love me. I can’t say I’m unloved. I can’t just quit and call myself broken because I owe so many people so many things. But I’m tired. I’m just so tired. I wish I knew how to help me. I would love to give my village a guidebook on how to slay the monster I became. How to be patient with me. How I wish that they could tell me how my body isn’t defective without making me feel horrible that they even noticed I felt that way. How I yearn to be told I’m soft and how I wish to just be taken care of in just a fraction of the way I take care of others. I want to be told that I can just give it up for a day. Just one. One day to stop caring about everybody else but I can’t. I have to hold it together. I fucking hate myself. I don’t deserve anything. And that’s the most selfish part of everything.

I wake up. My chest is heavy again. Do I even want the surgery to lighten the load? I just dropped a hundred on bras, so really, what would be a bigger waste of money? I don’t try to pass. Who the fuck cares. I don’t correct people. I don’t care. I cannot care. If I care, I die. I lose. I show them that they have power over me. I am so horrifically insecure and disfigured in my own brain that I can’t even stand up for myself when I promise everybody I love that I always will. Full of pride and hatred. A vile combination to be stuck with when the vessel itself is unfit to hold even the smallest of negativity.

I wake up. I just wish I hadn’t. How pathetic.

[serpentblccd]

❝  I’m right here. Okay. I’m right here. ❞ / northsider!betty to serpent!jug

some meme  || @coophunts

▌♔ ▌HE IS BREATHING RAPIDLY , WHY DOES HIS BODY FEEL WEAK ? HIS MIND GOING IN AND OUT OF CONCISENESS. He hears talking happening among him, but can't quite understand what they are saying, or what's going on. When Jughead tries to move his body aches and he winces, groaning in pain--- fuck... he got shot. He got fucking shot at. Laying a hand where it hurts, hand shaking as it lifts to reveal blood on his hand, a curse makes it through past clenched teeth. He doesn't know what Toni is saying, he doesn't know what Sweet Pea is shouting about, he does hear one thing---- her.

The warmth of her hand grabs his attention, their eyes lock and he can't help but offer her a smile. He never thought he'd see her again... fuck. Reaching with a bloody hand to cup her cheek, he is weak but he has the strength to do at least that. He loves her, GOD.... he fucking loves her. She always did know how to give him the push, the push to do something even if it isn't for long. Toni says something to Fangs about having to get the bullet out, Sweet Pea shouts to Toni that he'll grab the first aid kit.... asking if she needs anything else. He can't still hear everything they are saying... but he does hear Betty. He feels her hand tighten around his own, he gives a squeeze, it isn't strong... it's nothing like him. But it has...... care, and love... the love he always did have deeply for her. Shaking his head, head tilting up, groaning in pain, he is laying on the fucking floor... ( remembers this is how his father died, on the cold fucking ground one night. ) Alone and unloved, looking like a fucking nobody. Least Jughead can say he found some love in his life, and accomplished many great things and got the Serpents somewhere.

❝ Fuck--- It fucking hurts Betts. I-- I'm so fucking.. I never wanted you to see me like this--- this.... I-- I don't want you to see me lookin' fuckin' weak. I...❞ He winces, talking hurts... he taste blood and he wonders what the hell is going on ? How much blood did he lose ? A lot ? Not enough ? He tries to touch his wound, he hears Toni tell him not to, that she got this. The Serpent Prince hears Toni tell Betty to get it together, that everything will be okay, to keep doing what she's doing. ❝ Hey-- hey listen t' me. Imma be okay. Got it ? I... Imma be okay... shh, you... don't be scared. I'm the fuckin' reaper himself, I never....... fuckin' die. I'mma be okay baby... watch and see.❞

[god-whispers]

may 24

don't go all wobbly on me now

"in which are some things hard to understand, which untaught and unstable people twist to their own destruction, as they do also the rest of the scriptures." 2 pet 3:16

it was in 1990 that margaret thatcher uttered that phrase to president george bush as a battle was about to begin.  she was often referred to as the "iron maiden" because of her uncompromising stance and leadership.

i was in prayer this morning and i started to evaluate my life.  it didn't seem to add up to much in my eyes.  i'm probably like a lot of you, trying my best to walk with Jesus over the years but failing miserably at times.  i had made Jesus my Savior, but i hadn't made Him my Lord.

now as my end draws near (perhaps near to each of us), my heart has desired the intimacy that Jesus longed for all along.  "take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." matt 11:29  perhaps that is why i never found the "rest" i longed for.  i had refused to accept His yoke.

anyway, while i was in prayer, the tears were flowing, as usual.  i looked up and said, "tell me again Lord that no one is able to snatch me out of your hands."  if i don't move and no one is able to snatch me, that means i am going to make it.  it means we're all going to make it if we just won't let go of the hope set before us.

indeed these are the times that try men's soul as thomas paine once uttered so eloquently.  the Holy Spirit brilliantly described these "trying times."  "but know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: for men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good,  traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God." 2 tim 3:1-4

this is the time we all have to muster up all the endurance we can.  we have to be "iron maidens," uncompromising on the truth of His word and be a leader for those seeking guidance.  it doesn't matter how little you may feel you know, there are always those who know less and need guidance.  now, as false doctrines are rampant and "itching ears" are seeking them, we must remain stalwart keepers of the truth.  "the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and the violent take it by force." matt 11:12

"yes, and all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution." 2 tim 3:12  persecutions will come.  much of the world now endures them, and soon, will our america join its ranks?  ridicule under the devise of "wokeism" will seek to silence whom they might.  they must not silence us.  remember, "whoever denies Me before men, him I will also deny before My Father who is in heaven." matt 10:33

we must fan our flame to keep it burning.  a lot of us have allowed our flame to die down to coals alone.  we see evil seemingly prosper but the scriptures alert us to remember their end is sure.  this is no time to wax cold.  this is no time to go wobbly.  "the end of all things is at hand; therefore be serious and watchful in your prayers." 1 pet 4:7  we will have no judas' around here and remember, "and I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; neither shall anyone snatch them out of My hand." john 10:28  let us comfort one another with these words.

[consensualkink]

haaa.. if i disappear, won’t i make this life better. if i force myself into isolation and remain alone, let go of my selfishness and indulgence, will that make me less fucked up. i’m the only one who has stayed for myself, nobody else ever showed up for me. reduce life into its most basic form, live my days at a bare minimum and hopefully while i’m in the autopilot mode, some divine force will take mercy on me and finally erase my existence. i’m tired, i don’t know what to do anymore, i don’t know how to be and what to make of myself. what’s in it for me? how much further does this path go? who would even care enough to be there, it’s terrifying. i have always been alone, wouldn’t it be safer if i remained by myself instead of gambling so much. i have done just fine on my own, i should be alone. why can’t i just be alone? humans should’ve been created as islands rather than social creatures. it’s so awful for the ones like me who have been condemned since earlier in my life.. doomed and cursed, no one else shares this path of suffering and what kind of bastard would i be if i dragged others into it. fuck me, fuck… just fuck everything. this is the best i can do right now, why can’t i learn how to be more shallow instead of feeling so deeply and intensely. i crave death as much as i yearn for life. always on the extremes like an impatient coward. just so i could avoid disappointment and humiliation. death would be so fucking easy.. gods, you gave so much love to the most unlovable creation you’ve brought into existence. is this a prank?? a running joke for you to laugh at while i live through the motions? i’m beating you up when i finally die. you’re first on my hit list, whoever that created me, has to taste the pent up rage and despondency i’ve accumulated. bloody psychopaths, god is fair my fucking arse.

[television-pil0t]

When he finally leaves so I can have a severe breakdown that’s been building up.

God I feel awful. I hope he’s ok. I can’t keep helping him we have the same problem man. My parents suck to. My bf doesn’t understand either! IM SCARED TO OPEN UP TO MY BF TO! ITS BECOMING TO MUCH FOR ME TO! I’m sorry. I can’t help you when I have no idea how to help myself. I get mad because my bf talks to other people to. I get so jealous I push myself to. I hurt myself because he doesn’t need me to. I don’t know how to get you to stay. I want you to stay. I want you to keep talking to me because your pain makes me feel less alone. We both wanna kill ourself so bad man. I don’t have a plan like you. I don’t know what’s next. I CANT MAKE BY MYSELD EITHER FUCK IM SORRY EVERY TIME YOU VENT TO ME I JUST TELL YOU “talk to your friends! TALK TO YOUR BF! BUT SHIT I CANT DO THAT! You tell me “I’m gonna fucking do it I can’t take it anymore” but I’d I said that to my bf HE WOULDNT GIVE A SHIT! HES FUCKING DONE! HE FUCK FUCK FUCK IM SORRY I CANT HELP YOU IM IN WORSE! I’m in fucking deeper. You got to your month anniversary with your bf AND IVE BEEN IN MY RELATIONSHIP FOR 3 YEARS! Three fucking years! It’s hard for me to man! Idk how to keep going either! Idk how I’m gonna be a adult! Idk how to tell my friends that I’m suicidal either man I DONT FUCKING KNOW! I have no idea what I’m gonna do in a year! OR A MONTH! OR A DAY FROM NOW! All I do is the same thing you do. I feel like I’m not good at anything to! I feel useless too! I FEEL SO FUCKING UNLOVED TO MAN AND IDK WHAT TO DO ANYMORE EITHER! I’m sorry I can’t help you as much as other people can but god at least you HAVE other people. I hope you take my advice. I hope YOUR bf helps you. I hope your ok. I hope you didn’t SH to bad again. I hope you don’t do it Saturday. I know my bf would be so fucking sad and I can’t deal with that. I can’t deal with the secrets and the lies and the insecurity either man! I CANT DEAL WITH IT ANYMORE THAN YOU CAN! I’m scared to. I’m so so so fucking scared and now I have nobody to talk about it to. I hope someone can help you. I looked out the window of my apartment and all I can think of is getting a gun and just getting it over with. He makes account after account to just hide from me because he dosnt fucking trust me. He keeps so fucking much from me it’s agonizing. I’m tired of crying to man! IM TIRED OF ALL OF IT TO! I DONT FUCKING KNOW WHAT THE FUCK TO DO! GOD I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO! I hate screaming while crying it gives me a headache. I hate limping when I walk after punching myself. I hate the way he didn’t tell me he loved me back for 2 days I hate the way he treated me for a year I hate the way I grew up. I hate myself. I hate being a failure. I hate being as jealous as I am. I HATE THAT HE DOSNT POST ABOUT ME! I hate the fact that he’s talked shit about me to all his family and don’t even wanna tell THAT mf that we’re dating because “I just don’t wanna hear his lecture” WELL WHOS FAULT WAS IT THAT HE SEES ME IN SUCH A FUCKED UP LIGHT! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU TELL HIM! I hate how I feel! I hate that I remember it all! The good and the bad. I hate when I draw! I hate my voice. I hate my body. I hate being touched. I hate THAT I ASK FOR TO MUCH TO! WE BOTH ASK FOR TO MUCH FROM OUR PARTNERS! I DONT KNOW! I don’t know. It’s been 3 years and idk what to do! I know I ask for to much and I haven’t even asked anything of him yet besides comfort and HES DONE GIVING ME THAT! I feel so hopeless. So fucking alone. So tired all the time. Maybe I should make a plan. With all the mental flashes of shooting myself in the jaw maybe I’ll do that. I have no idea what to do. AHHH I DONT WANNA DIE THO! I DONT WANNA DIE I JUST WANT SOMETHING I CANT HAVE! ILL NEVER HAVE! WHEN HE LEAVES ME AGAIN IM JUST GONNA BE ALONE! Just like I said when we first started dating “I swore I was gonna die alone” shit! I AM! I get tired of everyone so quickly. I’m so needy. I’m either obsessed to the point of neglecting myself or I’m selfish to the point of them leaving. I’m a piece of shit that deserves this fucking life. This god damn hell I put myself in. I miss my mom.

[cristianfaun]

wattpad extracts

i dont have AO3 because im way lower than dirt.

but i vent on wattpad too, so ill take some of my favorites bits.

“forever fat”

Always fat, forever fat; not that you can't lose the weight, but the way you felt, the way others made you feel will always stay there.

I have always been fat, since my birth, i will probably die fat, but you see, I'm tired of it.

And i know this feel is known by others by so many others, because since I'm fat i was the dummy on gym class, because I'm fat i was the dare of "go say they're pretty", because I'm fat I'm the ugly, the unlovable, the useless, the weak and lazy.

And I'm so tired of it, because you see, bulimia is not the answer but i just feel like i don't even deserve to eat at all, and i still do, like what kind of assholes just goes and pukes what they ate? Just don't eat and give your food for someone else.

I deserve this self hate, i deserve these feelings, and idk why i do. But it just is this way and I'm tired of it.

No, i can't love my fat, and dear god knows i will hate my body if get skinny, because it will no longer be my body, but is what I must do.

I must lose weight, for my health. Because I'm fat I'm pre-diabetic, because I'm fat I'm depressed, because I'm fat I'm anxious, because I'm fat I'm ugly and self-conscious.

Because I'm fat i must go to the gym where i keep lying about my tiredness just to prove I'm capable of being strong.

Because I'm fat i must dress one way or another just to show or not show my fat in a aesthetically pleasing way.

Because I'm fat must stay cool with this feelings and this pressure.

And maybe if it wasn't by my fat aunt, by my fat parents, by my fat family it wouldn't hurt so much, you would think that since we're all fat we would love each other and know we're worthy no matter our weight, but no.

I wish I were enough.

And I'm tired of it.

“I cannot hate you but i wish I didn't resent you”

I still remember when my mother proudly said she was not a lovely mother to me on therapy, she said she never showed love trough words or gifts but works of service, and truly i can't remember a single time you did something truly out of love for me.

Did you love me when you brushed my hair so hard i were crying and you threw the hairbrush to the floor so hard i thought you were gonna hit me?

Did you love me when you yelled at me while hitting me so hard my legs were sore and red for the rest of the day?

Did you love when you complained about every single thing you did for me?

Did you love me when i tried to help and you yelled at me for being useless?

I remember you crying making my dad ask me if I hated you, and i can't hate you, i could never do such thing, but I'm done with loving you, at least i were, i felt a lot of guilt and gratitude for all you did, but i didn't love you, i couldn't love someone like you.

Someone so much like me.

“anger”

I'm not an angry person. I don't think i am. Neither do I really explode but implode.

Don't take me wrong i would not do anything, I'm too much of a coward to do it.

But sometimes i can't help it.

I guess it just reminds me of home, and i want you to break my nose, so i can bite your finger off.

I don't get angry about dumb things, like people being late, or something being slow.

But I'm also done with being done dirty, to my past self, to my present and especially to who i love.

You don't get to say how I felt or how i feel about my past, that's my thing to decide, and you won't call me childish, neither will you make fun of who i was, because i did that and everyone did that too, and I'm done.

I'm done with hating myself just to not hate them.

I'm just waiting for the first punch...

I grew up feeling like a rabid dog

Turns out I'm really one just waiting for the moment i can bite.

“forgive me”

Not here on this church Not here with them I must run I must run away And pray to the god I stopped beliving in To never come back And leave my parents alone For i waited long enough To have this calm

But here in this church While I try not to flinch when my mother puts her hand on my leg Knowing well If I leave I ain't coming back I won't have were to come back I fear you father I fear you mother I fear your god That both of you taught me Is cruel Egocentric And like you Like both of you

And here while the priest says

"God will never leave you"

I cry like Mary once did "He nevera was here" "He didn't kill me when I prayed for it" "He was the excuse to hit me"

"If god is love, I don't want this love"

Fuck off

I'm leaving now

“untitled”

Im not home. There's no place I could call home. In this house with people that hate such an important of me. I wonder if I can leave and never come back I want to cry my eyes out I want to yell at my parents By my life I want to make them cry Like they made me cry All those years telling me I'm a monster Well it's finally true And oh, I hunger for pain And revenge Oh I hunger for blood Oh I hunger I hunger for so much hate And if I get the option to get just drunk enough I will do it just now, leave and go back to my house, with my dog, with my cat And leave

[progenycursed]

I���m not even a little sorry for what I caused here :D

Love this idea! I never thought of Radiance actively trying to stop you by preventing you from using Sly’s services, but it absolutely fits with how badly she is trying to stop you.

I never read it as her trying to take control of their minds in particular. I always read it as after she cracked Pure Vessel, she got a second wind and started a new wave of infection. But at that point every bug was either already infected, or dead. I think? The dream nail dialogue of the enemies in the forgotten crossroads makes me wonder if these bugs ever actually died or just went into a stasis. Either way, what they have to say is heartbreaking and I avoid killing them now.

From what Elderbug said, it sounds like multiple townsfolk descended down the well after the infection started again. But we only ever found 3 of them. Myla, Sly, and Bretta. Possibly a fourth if you count the dead bug in the well shaft as a dirtmouth resident. Poor bug was so close to home! The rest, well you can image what happened to them.

They all went below because they weren’t happy with where they were in life. Myla wanted to discover vast riches. Sly was likely out of customers interested in anything else he had to sell. And his pupils hadn’t visited him in who knows how long. Bretta felt alone and unloved.

We as the player were able to save the last two because what they wanted, we could give them. A new customer and grand-pupil(child). Or a savior to fawn over. Which is why they didn’t fall to the infection again. But what Myla wanted, there was nothing we could do to save her.

I do believe that every bug does sort of have their own dream realm lite. So bugs that don’t follow a god still have dreams. Since when they die, their memories are made of essence. I totally believe that Bretta, as a creative mind, had a larger dream realm. I could actually see her become a higher being if given enough time and motivation. Or maybe a medium being? I’m not sure if it’s possible for a regular bug to ascend in the world of Hallownest, but clearly something is possible given how some ‘regular’ bugs have lived through the entire collapse of Hallownest and still look young. *cough* nail masters *cough*

I still absolutely love the idea of higher being Bretta! I love the idea of Radiance just being swarmed by the eternal ordeal while Bretta casually watches atop her perch of pampering. Pure vessel in the background wondering what the hell is going on and where is the popcorn because this is amazing!!

PS. If Bretta did become a higher being, she would totally be a higher being of fan-fictions.

@progenycursed recent post got me thinking again - except my thoughts ended up drifting to something... not exactly relevant to their post. I made my response to their thoughts in a reblog if you want to see that. Still, credit to the one who got me thinking once more. So you can go ahead and blame Progeny for what I am about to do here :)

AHEM

The Radiance is imposing her will upon the dreams and minds of others. For most, this manifests passively - sort of... a thing that just kind of happens over time to an individual under her light, depending on how much they resist it.

There are, however, two individuals we meet that are being affected by the Radiance in a way that seems much more active and intentional. Sly and Bretta. We see no one else under the spell we see them in. When they are rescued, they never fall under the Radiance's influence again. A rather impressive feat, considering just how affected they were.

Sly makes sense. Regarding the Radiance's influence, Sly's state of mind - his sureness of himself and his ways, coupled with his skill and fortitude - make him very naturally resilient to the Radiance. Take into account that his services are very beneficial to the protagonist, that makes him a logistical threat that the Radiance could not ignore. She couldn't rely on her passive influence to do the work, Sly just shrugs it off without even knowing. She had to put in the effort to take him out - actively invading his mind.

But Bretta? Why would the Radiance target Bretta? She has no logistical significance. Certainly no physical might. State of mind? Very impressionable. She is not sure of herself. In every way, Bretta should very easily fall under the Radiance's passive control. But she didn't. After Bretta was rescued, there was nary a hint of the infection about her - not even in her dream realm.

Her distinct Dream. With its own world and particle affects not seen in any other Dream. And a capability of conjuring an entity of considerable power. All traits only shared by other Higher Beings.

She was a target because she was a potential rival. Bretta is a latent Higher Being and doesn't even know it.

[sinkingcapricornmoon]

songs that remind me of moral orel and why part 1

it is almost 6 am but im suffering from moral orel brainrot so i decided to explain my moral orel playlist. note that this includes my personal headcanons. also english isnt my first language so i apologize for the lack of grammar.

no children - the mountain goats  - for obvious reasons. im pretty sure you all know why + it’s in the show (added perfectly if i may add)  - it’s the perfect clay and bloberta song. clay hates himself as much as he hates his wife. - notable lyrics :-  “i hope i never get sober” - it’s clay’s way of coping. he’ll never let alcohol go because it’s the only thing that makes him feel sane. "and i'd hope that if I found the strength to walk out, you'd stay the hell out of my way” - i think that the only reason they are still together is because they care about their image. they want everyone to believe that they are the perfect family, and that fact alone is worth staying. but they obviously want out, they just don’t have the strength.

“i am drowning, there is no sign of land, you are coming down with me, hand in unlovable hand, and I hope you die. I hope we both die” - both of them are victims of each other. they are aware that they are terrible for each other but it’s their comfort zone. they are hand in hand in this terrible relationship since its the only love they know.

special girl - dodie - while not all the lyrics are relevant, and i think the singer intended for the song to mean something completely different, i feel like this is bloberta’s song.  - bloberta likes to feel special. so she goes out her way to prove to others that she’s worth loving. because of how her family treated her, she feels like the black sheep of the family so she wants to be good. she wants to help. - being married to clay, she knows of her flaws, and she does not care what clay thinks about it. as long as she does her duties, and feels like she’s a part of something, that enough. - notable lyrics:- “it's not my fault, i was raised by open mouths and teary eyes, passive wistful lullabies. i found my worth in this world by proving I'm a special girl, time and time again.” - bloberta was raised by a critical mom and an emotionally unavailable dad. this causes her to feel as if she has to always be useful to gain attention. (i feel like this applies to clay and his father too except clay’s way of getting attention is to act out and get abused...)

“could not care less if you love me, but hate me first, yeah make me work, that’s perfect.” - i’m taking the “make me work” part literally because all she wants to do is work to feel like she is worth something. she cant care less if clay is unhappy with her, if they are in truly in love or not, she just wants to be a part of something. she’s grown up believing this as well, not just because of her parents but because of moralton’s values. you need to be with someone so u can fulfill god’s wishes.

guiltless - dodie (can u tell im obsessed with dodie) - this is in the pov of orel, after he realizes his dad isn’t a good dad. isn’t a dad worth honoring. - it could be about his mother too. they’re both just not good parents. they do their duties to provide, but there’s no emotional connection there. (there is a bit with clay, but you can tell it’s only when it’s about clay. its not that he doesnt care about orel.. he cares in his own sick, unhealthy way) - notable lyrics:-  “oh, but I'm not bitter, I'm just tired. no use getting angry at the way that you're wired. ignorant trauma in one afternoon” - I feel like orel has too much of a good heart to hate clay. he’s just tired, and he knows clay won’t change. the line ignorant trauma in one afternoon reminds me so much of when clay shot him. it’s nothing to clay, he even gaslit orel right after, saying he didn’t do it. to him it was just a small matter, not knowing or acknowledging the emotional and physical pain that will stick with orel for the rest of his life. “is it real? you believe you're guiltless. oh, I can tell you believe you're guiltless. but I don't think I’d feel better if I opened your eyes, i'll carry your burden 'til the day that you die“ - Clay hasn’t apologized. in fact, he tells him how happy he was that he shot him. I think even if he did, Orel wouldn’t feel content. he realizes after that just how much clay does not appreciate him, does not love him as much as he loves alcohol. so he’ll carry the burden of the trauma clay had caused him to the grave. he doesn’t despise clay, he’s just dissapointed.

“not one shred of hope, so I built up my own“ - Before the nature episode, Orel has always looked up to his dad because he always asked his dad for advice - terrible advice. even though clay clearly was horrible to him, he overlooked all of that. he had hope.

“and I could never let you know (oh, you'd never get it) and now I'm the one who can't let go (oh, don't say it's genetic)” I think that Orel will never let clay know the trauma he caused him, because I don’t think clay will think he’s wrong. when orel grows up it’ll just be a looming shadow that follows him. this doesn’t mean he won’t be happy when he grows up though, in the last ep he’s clearly happy with his own children, he broke the cycle of generational trauma, but it will stay as it does with anyone who has abusive parents who just won’t get it.

pls let me know if u guys have any songs that remind u of these 3 as well. i need something to fill the void.

here’s the full playlist, there’s not much songs but im still trying to find the perfect songs because this stupid puppet show is all i think about now - (x)

[waitimcomingtoo]

My Youth is Yours 2

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

synopsis: in a world where you don’t begin to age until you meet your soulmate, Tom notices you started aging when he hasn’t 

part one

Masterlist

“Are you almost ready to go babe?” You called up the stairs as you put your earrings in.

“Ready.” Tom smiled at you as he came down the stairs. He cupped your chin between his fingers and kissed your before handing you his tie.

“I’m excited to meet all your coworkers.” Tom grinned as you tied his tie around his neck.

“Me too.” You smiled as you tightened the tie. “I’m kinda glad I didn’t quit. It’s gotten a lot better since Chris joined.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Tom rolled his eyes playfully and you laughed. “I don’t want to hear about your work husband. We’re already going to be late.”

“Just teasing.” You fixed his collar and kissed his cheek. “Let’s go.”

As soon as you and Tom walked into the office, Chris caught your eye. He stared you and Tom down as you made your way through the crowd and greeted your coworkers.

After about an hour, you were alone at a table when Chris finally approached you.

“Hey.” You smiled at him as you put your drink down. “Are you enjoying your first office party?”

“Can we talk?” Chris ignored your question, looking rather stressed.

“Yeah, sure.” You nodded and followed him to a quiet corner.

“What’s up?” You asked once you were alone.

“Your boyfriend is not 24.” Chris said, causing your face to go pale.

“What?” You laughed nervously. “Yes he is. What are you talking about?”

“That man is 18 years old. Look at him!” Chris harshly pointed to Tom. “Does he look 24 to you?”

“What are you trying to say?” You narrowed your eyes at him. Chris looked around for who might be listening and leaned in closer.

“I don’t want to upset you, but I don’t think Tom is your soulmate.” He whispered, making your heart stop.

“I have to go.” You said quickly and tried to leave. Chris gently grabbed your arm to keep you there.

“Wait.” He pleaded. “Here me out.”

“I have no interest in hearing you out. Let me go, please.” You pulled your arm out of his grasp and turned to leave again.

“I can’t. You’re not supposed to be with him.” He said a little louder, making you freeze in place.

“Why do you care?” You asked as you whipped around.

“Normally I wouldn’t, but I think you’re supposed to be with me.” Chris said, and you felt the air get knocked out of your body. This was something you had suspected, but you ignored for your relationships sake. Now Chris had figured it out and your cover was blown.

“What?” You played dumb and walked back to him.

“I didn’t start aging until I met you.” He whispered. “And you looked 18 when we met.”

You didn’t want to lie to him, so you didn’t say anything. He was right, after all, so you hung your head in shame.

“Oh my God.” He realized. “You knew, didn’t you? You knew it was me.”

“Keep your voice down.” You whispered harshly as you looked for Tom. You sighed in relief when you saw he was still busy at the bar.

“We both started aging once we met.” He repeated. “This isn’t a coincidence.”

“Maybe not.” You shrugged. “But I love Tom. I’m supposed to be with Tom.”

“You want to be with Tom.” He corrected. “But you and I both know he is not your soulmate. And I bet he knows it too.”

“He does.” You sheepishly confirmed.

“This is not how this works.” Chris grew emotional. “You can’t play at and loose with the rules. You start aging once you meet your soulmate so the two of you can grow old together. Tom isn’t aging. Whats gonna happen when you’re 90 and he’s still 18? He is wasting his time by not looking for his soulmate. Meanwhile, you met your soulmate and you’re turning him down.”

“I don’t care if he’s not my soulmate.” You stated. “I still love him. And I don’t love you.”

Chris was taken aback by your bluntness and you felt a pang of guilt. You cleared your throat and fixed your hair to distract from the awkward tension you created.

“This isn’t fair.” He shook his head. “You’re my soulmate. Why does he get you? He has his own soulmate.”

“Tom doesn’t get me.” You said sharply. “I’m not a freaking trophy. I love him and I am choosing to be with him. I don’t care if it’s not fates design.”

“But I do.” Chris shot back. “Am I supposed to end up alone now?”

“Frankly, I don’t care what you do.” You said simply. “I already met the love of my life. Your love life doesn’t concern me.”

“You are my love life. This isn’t fair.” He repeated.

“Yeah?” You raised your eyebrows. “Well I don’t think it’s fair that my best friend from childhood is supposed to end up with someone else. And if we asked Tom right now, he wouldn’t think it’s fair that I’m supposed to end up with you.”

“He’s coming over here now.” Chris stared at something behind you. “Let’s ask him, shall we?”

“Don’t you dare.” You said through gritted teeth.

“Hi darling.” Tom came behind you and put his hand on the small of your back. “Hi, Chris, right?”

“Yeah.” Chris said blankly. “It’s great to meet you. Y/n talks about you all the time.”

You didn’t take your eyes off Chris, silently begging him not to say anything.

“Are you okay, love?” Tom asked once he noticed the ghastly look on your face.

“You want to tell him or should I?” Chris half smirked.

“Tell me what?” Tom looked between the two of you in growing confusion.

“You have no right.” Your voice wavered as tears came to your eyes.

“What’s going on?” Tom demanded. “What were you guys talking about?”

“Chris-“

“Y/n and I are soulmates.” Chris cut you off as his eyes shot daggers at Tom. Toms face shifted in surprise as he looked at you.

“What?” He asked softly. You took his face between your hands so all he could see was you.

“This doesn’t change how I feel about you Tom.” You assured him. “I told you, you’re the one that I want. This doesn’t have to change anything.”

“Did you know it was him?” Tom asked quietly, feeling slightly awkward since Chris was just a few feet away.

“I suspected it.” You admitted, and Tom pulled away from you.

“And you didn’t tell me?” He asked bitterly.

“I didn’t know for certain.” You said apologetically. “And it didn’t matter to me anyway. I still wanted to be with you.”

“How do you feel about all of this?” Tom turned to Chris suddenly.

“I feel betrayed by the woman who’s soul was cut from the same fabric as mine.” Chris said as he kept his eyes on you. “And I feel like I’m not getting whats rightfully mine.”

“Watch your mouth.” Tom snapped and stepped up to Chris. “Y/n is not rightfully yours. She is not a trophy that you won.”

You gave Chris a knowing look over Toms shoulder, since you gave the same argument. Chris stared at you as his jaw tightened before returning his attention to Tom.

“Shes my soulmate.” Chris growled as he pushed Tom. “Not yours.”

“But she loves me.” Tom half smirked as he pushed him back. “Not you.”

Chris raised a fist as if he was about to hit Tom, so you quickly pulled Tom away.

“Don’t.” You held up a hand. “Fighting isn’t going to solve this.”

“Do you care about what you’re doing?” Chris pointed an angry finger at Tom. “You’re leaving me and your soulmate to die alone.”

“But I wouldn’t love her. I already love Y/n.” Tom answered. “Isn’t it better to be alone than unloved?”

“That’s how I’m living right now, and it’s not better.” Chris seethed.

“I’m sorry about that.” Tom apologized as he calmed down. “But Y/n and I love each other. We always have.”

“I love her too.” Chris pointed to himself.

“We can still be friends.” You suggested. “We’ll still age together and-“

“I can’t be your friend knowing what we know.” Chris cut you off. “You and I are meant to be. How do you think this makes me feel? I was handmade for you, and you still don’t want me.”

You sighed as the guilt fully set in. In the excitement of finally getting together with Tom, you never considered your soulmates feelings.

“I’m sorry, Chris. I really am.” You told him. “But this is not about you. No matter who my soulmate was, I would’ve picked Tom.”

“Well I hope you’re happy.” He nodded in defeat. “I hope the two of you are just thrilled.”

“I’m sorry-“

“Don’t.” He interrupted. “I’m not gonna stand by and watch you with another man. I quit. Effective immediately.”

Chris walked away from you and Tom and went straight out the door. You watched him as he left with a sick feeling in your tummy. Even if you didn’t love him, you were meant to have some sort of relationship with him. You never wanted it hurt him, you just never wanted to be his soulmate.

“I’m sorry you had to see that.” You sighed and turned to Tom. “I didn’t know he was going to react like that.”

“It’s all right.” Tom rubbed your arm soothingly. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” You nodded and pulled him into a hug. “I just feel guilty. He deserves to be loved.”

“He will be.” Tom pulled away and kissed your forehead. “Just not by you.”

You stayed in his arms for a moment, letting his embrace comfort you.

“This might be a bad time” ,Tom cleared his throat and pulled away to look at you, “but I met my soulmate too.”

“What?” You blinked in confusion. “Who?”

“Her name is Este. She was just hired at the gym I go to. Look.” Tom put his head down and showed you a silver hair that had grown near his part. “She grew one too. She showed me.”

“Oh.” You said quietly. “Do you…do you like her?”

“She’s really nice and hates playing by the rules just as much as I do.” Tom smiled cheekily. “In fact, she invited us to dinner at her girlfriends place next week.”

“Girlfriend?” A smiled tugged at your lips.

“Yeah. I don’t think fate accounted for falling in love on your own free will.” Tom chuckled. “She really must be my soulmate, since we have so much in common. We both fell in love with our best friends and have no interest in dating the other.”

You let out a laugh at how funny fate could be and cupped Toms face.

“I can’t wait to meet her.” You smiled happily before kissing him. Your smiled faded once you pulled away when you remembered the problem wasn’t solved on all sides.

“What are we going to do about Chris?” You asked quietly as you chewed your lip.

“I don’t know.” Tom shrugged. “Este is my soulmate, but in a platonic way. Maybe you and Chris are just meant to be friends.”

“I don’t think he sees it that way.” You sighed. “He just quit to stay away from me.”

“If he’s anything like me, he won’t be able to stay away too long.” Tom cupped your chin. “He’ll come around.”

“I hope.” You nodded. “I feel so guilty.”

Tom got quiet for a moment and shifted his weight between his feet.

“If you wanted to explore things with Chris, I won’t stop you.” He said slowly. “I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life wondering if you were really supposed to be with him. I love you enough to let you walk away.”

You gave Tom a soft smile and pulled him into another kiss to thank him for what he was offering.

“I don’t need to explore.” You said against his lips. “I’m right where I’m supposed to be.”

Tag List 🏷

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[yandere-mha]

Ooh okay, so when you (obviously) start to wilt and withdraw and die on the inside after you’ve been snagged, which yanderes are the “aw this one’s broken, time to get rid of it” type, who are the “oh fuck oh no what do I do what do I do?!?” type, and who are the “oh thank god I’m here, they would have had to go through this alone otherwise” type?

Okay *breaks knuckles* so this is gonna get a little complicated because I feel like a lot of them would be multiple at the same time or none of them at all and here’s my reasons why:

TW: ABUSE, SELF-HARM, THREATS OF SUICIDE, VIOLENCE, TORTURE MENTION, SPOUSAL MURDER, SMUT, DUBIOUS CONSENT, NON-CON.

MAJOR BNHA MANGA SPOILERS.

READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

Dabi: He would be the “oh fuck oh no what do I do what do I do?!?” type on the inside and feel immense self-hatred, blaming Endeavor for creating him, but he would also be super insulted and angry at you on the outside. He’d take this as a personal insult, thinking he’s so unlovable and that you hate him so much that you completely withdraw from him out of spite. Not even you can love him. What the fuck does he have to do to have anyone give a shit about him? Tbh, he’d probably have sex with you featuring very dubious consent, not only because he’s looking to hurt, embarrass, and disgust you with his scarred body, but he’s so desperate for you to see the good things he can do for you if you just come back to him please just come back. 

Hawks: 100% the “oh fuck oh no what do I do what do I do?!?” type, but he would think of this as a necessary sacrifice to keep you safe. While he would curse himself and wish he were dead for making such a lovely and chipper sunflower lose the twinkle in their eyes, he prioritizes your safety over your happiness. He would rather have you be one of the walking dead than have to worry about losing the only person he truly cares about. Still, he would mourn your metaphorical death by clinging to your limp body and sobbing into your chest, pleading for you to just say something he’s so alone.

Shigaraki: Similar to Dabi in the way that he’d say “oh fuck oh no what do I do what do I do?!?” on the inside, but he’d get really pissed at you on the outside. Though unlike Dabi, he takes this more in a way that you’re protesting and being a spoiled little brat. He’ll convince himself that you’re just faking it and you’re not actually depressed, but you’re giving him the cold shoulder because you’re mad that you asked him permission to go outside and he said no. How ungrateful. He may even threaten you but it’s less in anger and more in a desperate attempt to have you react to something because you acting like this scares the ever-loving shit out of him.

Tamaki and Twice: I think y’all already know that they’re both “oh fuck oh no what do I do what do I do?!?” types. They’ll scream and sob and say that they’re sorry and to just please come back to them again they’ll do anything. They’ll even take out a butcher’s knife and hold it to their wrists in front of you telling you that they’ll kill themselves if it will make you feel better. If that doesn’t work they’d ask if you want to slit their throats yourself.

Fatgum: Mostly a “oh thank god I’m here, they would have had to go through this alone otherwise” type at the beginning, but as you start to neglect your wifely (gender neutral) duties he’ll quickly get bored of you unless you’re pregnant and become the “aw this one’s broken, time to get rid of it” type. He’d tell himself how much of a good husband he is for helping his wife or husband through this super random bout of depression. He thinks maybe if you eat a little more, get more cuddles, or get a pet, you’ll go right back to being normal. If you take too long to do so and he’s not getting what he wanted out of you, he’ll get frustrated with you which may end with him accidently killing you. Whether that does happen or not, there are other fish in the sea he supposes. Who wouldn’t want to be with such a great guy like him? There’s obviously still a lot of lingering resentment with him though since his next victim isn’t even allowed to speak your name in this house. He always compares the new victim to you in his head and snaps at them because they’ll never live up to you.

Stain and Aizawa: Again, “oh fuck oh no what do I do what do I do?!?” types. This would greatly upset the both of them and they’re aware that this is their fault, but they just can’t let you go. While they both would be really quiet about their guilt and not really acknowledge the elephant in the room, they would stare at you all the time completely still for hours on end just to see if you’d show any signs of life. They’d silently come up behind you and wrap their arms around your torso in a non-verbal plea to not leave them alone.

Overhaul: Imma be real with you, chief - he wouldn’t care and he might not even notice. He doesn’t care about you or your happiness because he sees you as a non-person. Would you care about the feelings of the chair you’re sitting on? That’s how he would feel on the subject. 

Miruko: An “oh fuck oh no what do I do what do I do?!?” type, but she’d act like she’s the “aw this one’s broken, time to get rid of it” type to scare you. Though her sadism makes it seem like she only sees you as her toy to torment, and you are, she does legitimately love you and she wants you to love her back. Deep down, she’d know she went too far and that this is her own fault for not being able to have some self restraint, but her logic would be that she needs to scare you out of your depression and act like the monster you think she is. She’d tell you that if she doesn’t hear you scream, she’ll throw you away and get someone who screams louder, amping up the torture all the way to ten just to get you to say something.

Geten: This is when he can get... scary. He’s extremely devoted to you and the most distinct quality about yandere Geten is how differently he treats you from other people and how weak in the knees you make him... boy has an explosive temper though. He will shriek at you to stop this little game of yours because it’s not fucking funny, angry tears spilling out of his eyes. He has abandonment issues and this, in his opinion, is your own cruel way to abandon him and he will absolutely blame you for this out of a blind rage. He’ll grab your body and shake you violently, unintentionally giving you frost-bite on top of depression. This is probably the thing he will blame himself for though as he holds your trembling body in the tub of luke-warm water while he continues to shriek.