#tried to find all of the parallels i could but i might have missed some

[willbyersabyss]

It's calling you...

El saw Will in the void when she opened the 1983 gate. He was the one calling to her the whole time.

Brenner told El that the demogorgon was calling her, but what if it wasn't the demogorgon at all... what if it was Will.

The lines are constantly blurred between the demogorgon and Will in s1. Will talks through the lights, the demogorgon comes through the wall. They follow the demogorgon's blood trail, they find Will instead. Will calls Joyce, the demogorgon intercepts. We can never really tell whether it's Will or the “demogorgon.” This blur could carry over to the opening of the gate.

Speaking of phone calls, almost every missed phone call in the show is related to Will in some way. When people try to reach him, they fail. Only when Will calls them does it go through.

I can't even give all of the examples because there are too many, but Will is always associated with phone calls. Will called Joyce in s1, Mike has had multiple missed calls to Will, Nancy tried calling Will in s3, etc. Will has to call, he has to reach out.

When Max calls the Byers, it doesn't just go to voicemail, it's busy. Someone is using the phone despite no one being there. That someone is Will. One of the first scenes we see is Will calling the police, but he doesn't call them, he calls... someone else. Whoever it was, they picked up. But there's no sound other than screeching. Who was screeching? We'll get to that in a bit...

El was called to. The "demogorgon" wanted her. So we have Will who is constantly associated with phone calls, but he's also mixed up with the demogorgon. Why? El answered his call.

The phone call Bob tells Joyce to let go is immediately followed by the lab's lights going haywire, then a door to the Upside Down opens for Will. They also cut to a faucet dripping and a clock going unusually fast. El's void is made of water and there's a clock ticking sound just before she opens the gate. These scenes parallel. The 1983 gate was opened for Will. He was calling out to her, just like the phone.

"All I needed was someone to open the door. And you did that for me without even realizing it." Ok Vecna I'm pretty sure El noticed the giant gate in the wall. So what didn't she realize? El didn't know Will was the one calling to her.

When Mike asked if El saw Will, she flipped the DnD board to the back. We assume she means the Upside Down, but what if that's not what she meant. What if she meant she saw him in the void? The back of the board is pitch black just like her void.

She places Will's character right next to the demogorgon. How does El know that Will is where the demogorgon is? She had to have seen him NEXT TO IT. This is the first time in the story where we see El sensing Will, so why would we assume she saw him in the UD before this point? She hasn't used her tracking power since she opened the gate. There's only one time she could have seen him. When she contacted the demogorgon, there might have been someone else there, lurking behind. Will!

When El puts Will over the walkie, Lucas says this. The name Blackburn means "black stream." The void is black and made of water. Could this be hinting at El tapping into the neighbor of the demogorgon in the void? Mike follows this with "Did that sound like a baby to you? That was Will." Hm that's interesting because we can actually hear Will in the void when El sees the demogorgon for the first time.

Yeah, that's right. You can hear him.

I can only add one video to this post so the number in the corner will align with the text accordingly!

I'm going to sound like a broken record because I've talked about this a few times already, but I think I finally put all the pieces together:

1 - When it cuts to the speaker, you can hear a faint voice come through. This sounds just like Will when he tells El to hurry. So we have a real "Did that sound like a demogorgon to you? That was Will!" moment. If you line up the hurry clip with the speaker video (not pictured), Will starts to disappear in Castle Byers at the exact time El breaks out of the void in the other clip. They're connected.

We don't actually see what's making the noises in the void the first round, we only hear it. What would the reason for this omission be?

I think the moment we see Will in the Upside Down Castle Byers is the beginning of everything. That's when the gate opened.

2 - The scream we hear when El opens the gate is the same scream that breaks Castle Byers. While this is just a demogorgon sound, it's interesting that they used the one that sounds the most human. Especially when this is the least common sound it makes. It has the same cadence and length in both clips!

I would also like to note that this sound has played when a demogorgon wasn’t directly seen. When Nancy emerges from the tree gate, we hear this weird scream too even though the demogorgon clearly wasn’t coming through with her. Gate, scream, invisible demogorgon.

The egg the demogorgon is eating when she touches it is about 20 feet away from Castle Byers. It can't be a coincidence that they placed them so close. They could've had Hopper come across that egg anywhere, why Castle Byers?

Dustin used an egg to test if the deprivation bath was ready. El then found Will in UD Castle Byers using this bath. Eggs are associated with the gate opening, they used an egg just before she finds Will, and THE egg is outside Castle Byers. Will being in Castle Byers is related to the gate opening.

So what if the scream Will hears was the same scream from the gate opening? We don't see a creature on the other side of the blast, just white fog, so can we be sure it was the monster opening the door? Maybe the force of El opening the gate is what broke it. When people disappear from the void, they leave behind the fog we see outside of Castle Byers after the blast. This fog doesn't usually appear in the UD.

Most people don't sense El when she reaches out to them in the void, but Will did. He was reaching out to her. When El opens the gate, Will was already in Castle Byers in the UD. There's time shenanigans here. Time doesn't really flow how it should in the void. El was able to see a pregnant Terry in there before she was swept into her memory loop. Time also is weird in the UD. It wouldn't be crazy for El to be able to open the mother gate after Will got kidnapped in a weird paradox way.

3 - Coming back to phone call weirdness for a second, Will hears screeching over the phone. This may be a stretch, but it kind of sounds like a distorted version of El's screams when she opens the gate? Then Will's phone call was interrupted by the creature unlatching the door. So when Will's call goes through, a door opens. And he's met with the answer to his most fateful call. He hears El screeching as she opens the gate because that was the result of him reaching out.

In their respective universes, both Will and the demogorgon destroy Castle Byers. So that's another mix up between the two. If Will really was the one calling out to El before she opened the gate, his destruction of Castle Byers is not only a physical representation of how he inadvertently destroyed it, but also an emotional representation. Will accidentally created his own kidnapping by asking El to open the gate. He created the trauma that led to his childhood destruction. The rod imagery at the end of this scene proves that.

Another possible reach, but we know that it was raining the night Castle Byers was built and the night Will destroyed it. If El's journey through the watery void also indirectly caused the destruction and creation of the UD Castle Byers, there's more water connections there. The UD isn't just mirroring visuals, but scenarios too.

When Hopper inspects the remains of Castle Byers, he finds a lion plushie. El was cuddling a lion plushie when Brenner told her she was going to make contact with whatever was calling her. The lion causes Hopper to flashback to Sara and El was in a flashback when we see her with her lion. So what if UD Castle Byers is a "flashback" to when the gate opened?

Just before UD Castle Byers was destroyed, Will was singing Should I Stay or Should I Go. While these were not the lines he was singing, the song makes references to time weirdness. "I'll be here till the end of time" implies that Will is stuck in a time loop when he's in the UD. This song being sung during this scene may hint at its significance in the time loop.

Then there's lines alluding to kneeling in a black void with something on your back. Interesting how the demogorgon was crouched down in the void when El touched its back.

Speaking of kneeling, El approaches Billy in the void the exact same way she does the demogorgon. Billy, who is literally named William. I'm telling you the Will demogorgon mix up never ends. Billy makes himself disappear the same way Will does in the void scene. Oh and when El is looking for the source in Billy's mindscape, the song "William" plays. Very subtle (sarcasm). Will is the source.

Ok but how did the gate open?

Will died.

In s4, we find out that gates can be created by killing people. We also find out that music can open gates in the mind. Interesting how both of those things happen to Will around the UD Castle Byers scene. Will was singing to himself, then he got taken to the library where he died.

The big boy gates all meet at that library where there's a giant clock. Will was the fifth and final sacrifice. But wait! The original gate opened at the lab, not the library. Perhaps Will died twice... once at Castle Byers for a split second, then again at the library. The Castle Byers death opened mother gate, but the library death had delayed effects.

Or Will didn't die twice and it was just a joint effort between El and Will.

El and Will have opened a gate together before. Every time El contacted Will up to this point, it didn't open a gate. Only when Will reached out himself did a gate open. We're right back to Will being the one calling out. He had to try for it to work.

Will was on the brink of death in Castle Byers. Maybe he wanted a gate to open right then and there so he could be saved. But time had different plans. So when Will called out to El in the void, she answered, and they opened the gate together, not knowing that this actually causes his suffering rather than heal it.

In s2 when they figure out that Will spelled out "close gate," the phone rings. They rip the phone off the wall. Another missed call associated with the gate. But this time, it was Will telling them to close it. He had to tell them to ignore the call. They destroy the call, they close the gate.

It's also possible that Will's call for help was manipulated by Vecna. Maybe Vecna showed El the demogorgon to hide his true intentions. Will has something Vecna needs to open the gate. Not to make everything about Will's mind theory, but if the UD is Will's mindscape, it could explain why Will’s call for help resulted in a gate. Max's call for help through music opened a gate to her mind. So is it really that far off to say that Will's did the same?

Alright lets get a run down of the timeline:

El reaches out to Will in Castle Byers, Will tells El to hurry. This aligns with the first call El hears in the void.

A bit later, El revisits the call, assuming it was the demogorgon. In a startled scramble, she accidentally makes contact with Will who was on the brink of death about 20 feet away. Their joint energy opens the gate and destroys Castle Byers.

This energy attracts whatever took Will to the library. Will is kidnapped once more and dies. This joins the gates in 1986?

We know that the scene of Will getting taken from Castle Byers to the library is the opening scene of s5. Both s3 and s4 begin with a gate opening. Wouldn't it be fitting for the s5 opener to be the gate that started it all?

[transdimensional-void]

alyn velaryon & jon snow anti-parallels

alyn velaryon

half-valyrian bastard with silver hair and purple eyes

father passed him off as his son's bastard

fought for rhaenyra's claim to the iron throne in the dance of the dragons

permanently scarred when he failed to ride a dragon

legitimized, placing him ahead of baela, rhaena, daemion, daeron, and the silent five in the succession of driftmark

older brother was initially the heir but killed in war

became lord of the tides

unsuccessful assassination attempt (one of the attackers joined the night's watch as punishment)

married one of the women (is she his cousin? his niece? who knows and who cares) whose claim he superseded, giving her his family name, when she ran to him for shelter, fleeing an unwanted marriage

unsanctioned marriage led to baela and him being seen as unfit heirs to her brother's throne

fathered bastards while married

house velaryon continued through his and baela's son

jon snow

half-valyrian bastard with brown hair and dark gray eyes

uncle passed him off as his own bastard

might be caught up in the dance of the dragons 2.0 (in the show, refused to press his claim to the iron throne)

permanently scarred by a skin-changed eagle (successfully rode a dragon in the show)

(allegedly) legitimized by robb/offered legitimization by stannis, potentially placing him ahead of sansa, arya, bran, and rickon (because they were presumed dead) in the succession of winterfell

older brother cousin was initially the heir but killed in war

refused to become lord of winterfell

successful assassination attempt by night's watchmen

[missing scene] one of the women (is she his cousin? is she his sister? uh oh, good thing we'll find out for sure) whose claim he refused to supersede, [missing scene] her family name, when she [ran to him for shelter, fleeing an unwanted marriage as foretold by the girl in grey prophecy?]

[missing scene]

swore to never father bastards

[missing scene]

hm, i dunno. i'll let y'all fill in the missing scenes for yourselves.

[nights-at-crystarium]

Fragments - episodes 47-52 author notes

You can find similar breakdown posts on older episodes in my pinned!

Time to recap the first proper wolgraha miniarc. See what you might’ve missed, or simply enjoy the extra content in form of my rambling.

47 stands out as a bit disconnected, floaty, introspective episode fully focusing on Exarch’s pov. I’ve scattered some breadcrumbs for him throughout the entire comic, time to pick those up. He may be an oblivious fool in certain moments, but I believe he wouldn’t keep insisting on staying deaf and blind when evidence’s shoved in his face. So, this moment of recollection and rethinking marks the start of the canon divergence, all of his future actions are colored by this.

Vivi has a dire effect on some people even without trying to manipulate them.

The composition forms a star here :3c

This panel should make their likeness even more obvious, they’re mirror reflections, albeit deliciously twisted ones. Also, the V sign is literally something that Vivi. Just. Does.

Exarch's heard from Vivi himself that they might be the same, Urianger literally tells him to go to a mirror and ponder, but when he does, and tries to look a bit more like he imagines Vivi, he can't stand what he sees in the mirror. They still aren't the same in his heart of hearts, even if reality itself tries to prove otherwise.

Hidden Angst Time! I can only hope that most readers are familiar with the flashback bubbles by now, and that this panel reads as it should: Feo Ul embraces Exarch while pointing out that they’re also being ostracized by their kind. Though the ultimate fae wisdom lies in accepting something the way it is, and just not caring too much.

More under the cut~ 

*rewinds all the way back to episode 1* hehe

“Does a hero have to be happy about his job” is one of my personal fav lines so far, I think it hits hard, pointing not only at Vivi, but at Exarch as well, and the visual supports it. I think this encapsulates Exarch’s ideology.

Exarch’s GASP could be interpreted as saying GASP out loud, which only makes it funnier.

Vivi carefully plans his entrance in order to make the atmosphere less formal. Approaching normally just wouldn’t do it. Also he just feels relaxed and safe to be silly. Remember how lowkey he was since his arrival to the First? His behavior all but contradicted what I said and showed about him in the ARR arc and outside of the comic.

Well, that’s in the past now. He’s finished assessing the situation and concluded that it’s okay to be more himself.

Feo Ul's upset that Exarch used his “radar” to detect Vivi’s ambush while they’d just used a similar ability to make sure that no emet-selchs are around.

If you catch a flirty vibe from Vivi in this episode, you're correct.

Vivi when he's remotely interested in a man:

My flavor of lampshading the obvious exposition dump. Oh Exarch, you asked for this, no take-backsies.

Another few hard-hitting questions from Exarch. It's easy to gloss over these, but if you slow down and think, it's decent angst material. Has anyone ever been concerned about Vivi's feelings, or was it more convenient to look away, even if intently, even if both sides knew they're better off not talking about that, for there's indeed no wol replacement. What good does acknowledging the situation if you can’t change it.

This's Vivi's memory, thus he appears small against the looming forms of the world leaders. Rigid, formal, impersonal. Raha's memories of the Ironworks seem to have a different vibe, despite all the parallels of the duty imposed by the world on one special guy. Also yeah I do wanna make my own version of the 8UC timeline and characters someday, for now these are just random characters that I consider as placeholders. And the dunmeshi cameo x’D

Yes, he mocks the people that he's saved. He's VERY frustrated with his job.

I offer you a fun game: spot all the mannerisms that make Vivi and Emet so alike. I genuinely never thought about this until this year, while this scene's pretty damn old, i.e. Vivi's always been like this, it precedes my Emet brainrot.

I swear that this line also was there before my Emet brainrot, but now it makes for a hilarious kind of foreshadowing.

You could already tell how "fit" he is for solving trolley problems.

This’s his “oops I talked too much shit” face.

The way Exarch just quietly TURNS and LOOKS at Vivi cracks me up. Don't undermine the tone with random jokes, dammit. But is this random? I’ve already analyzed this moment somewhere but for the sake of keeping important things in one place: they wrestle for control here. Exarch winds up for something serious, while Vivi wants to steer the convo towards more casual. It does somewhat lower the tension, though Exarch doesn’t relinquish his lead in the convo.

This doesn’t save him from becoming Frank forever from here on.

This miniarc’s rich with raw, hard-hitting words, so I’ll bring this up again.

We’re finally getting the explanation and context for a lot of previous episodes:

And the following episodes only help driving this point home. Vivi already sees the First as a viable escape from the Source with all of its shitty people and endless problems.

"This's why I... enjoy my time away from the Source": even at this seemingly high level of trust between them Vivi won't openly tell Exarch about his plans to stay here, a variable he doesn't want to become a risk.

Yes, he does an entirely calculated and strategic flop. A literal thirst trap.

Meme provided by my discord server:

Vivi casts provoke, it's..... not effective

^ This’s one of my personal fav exarchs I’ve ever drawn DADDY PLS

A panel that everyone loved to bits :>

I pair angst with other flavors to make it fun and non-repetitive. It's not "boohoo I can never kiss my hero, the world will end if I do, I'm so aggravated with myself", it's the hooded Exarch (duty) being mad at the unhooded Exarch (human), and delivering the same notion in a fun exchange. You can't help but laugh at the comical chibi violence, at the same time you acknowledge that it's a pretty fucked up act of suppressing one's innate human desires.

It's not a date, they just sit and talk <- the water in which Exarch is being slowly boiled.

I rarely talk about the visuals, but here I intended to make it look like a magical moment frozen in time. It's immersive, whimsical, full of color and movement. Despite the perceived warmth, the composition splits them apart, they're alone together. It’s still Raha’s pov, Vivi doesn’t seem to have any fond memories of the Source at all, we only hear about the past from his current jaded self.

An in-universe acknowledgment of the ARR arc lasting only 11 episodes x’D Though it’s all by design, it was meaningful only to Raha, while being a forgettable blip in time for Vivi.

Episode 52 opens with.... *drumroll*

NIP SLIP

I lovingly rendered that nip and I’ll make you look at it.

Ibuprofen meme would be the first thing that comes to mind, but consider the better/worse caption: "come to daddy". In all seriousness though, it’s a cool panel that I wanted to appreciate again. This IS Vivi’s pov.

The grimy beaten up Vivi creates questions that are answered in episode 53, which is yet to be released publicly at the moment of writing this. Some episodes, like 52-53 and 42-43, come in pairs that only make sense together due to the non-linear storytelling.

Yes this’s Aymeric, no I won’t say anything else :’> One thing that’s worth noting is the face Vivi makes here. And the distant, emotionless tone with which he recalls the moment of his own near-death.

Lemme spell it out even more plainly: Vivi romanticizes the moment he almost died. Exarch just happened to be present in that moment, and Vivi latched on to him as someone who would grant him escape, freedom, peace.

“A kindly wizard from fairytales”. I regret to inform you that we have two delusional fucks on our hands. Both see each other as some kinda dreamt up, idealized, mythical figures.

This miniarc isn’t over yet, but I’m wrapping up the recap here. Thanks for reading till the end~

[lazyleafeon]

i put a lot more time into my piece for the serenity zine than I usually do, so ive been wanting to make a write up with more details about what i was intending + stuff thats easy to miss (full piece without the character names can be seen here)

[ID: a drawing centered on a young kim dokja writing in a notebook, surrounded by paper cut outs of ways of survival characters. there are names next to the cut outs to clarify which characters are which. End ID]

1: text on the characters

the text on all of the characters are all quotes from orv. for characters from specific rounds, the text is specifically linked to those rounds (ex: 1863 uriel has text from when kdj is thinking about how gabriel isn't aware of her own betrayal of eden). Where i could, i tried to find text that paralled kdj somehow (sp with changing the 999th worldline, and 41 sys with her resentment towards yjh paralleling kdj's towards lsk for leaving him behind.).

for characters that aren't from specific worldlines (or where i couldn't find text i wanted to use that related to their worldlines) , the text either centers something i feel is central to orv (ex jhy talking about the final wall is used in both of her cut outs), kdjs perception of the character or thoughts of them from wos (ex lsh and his line about not really knowing her), or something about the character that parallels kdj (bihyungs cut outs are both about his ending of sacrificing himself, yma is about yjh leaving in the epilogue and her belief he won't come back (which works doubly as yjh leaving as kdj often did, and yma being left behind by her guardian)).

there is also sunfish yjh. who only says "the sunfish" because of the constraints of being a tiny piece of paper. The full quote is "Maybe I had been lucky until now. I might be the 'sunfish' rather than yoo joonghyuk" from chapter 38.

i don't think everything like, perfectly follows these categories, but that was the intent for the most part. One intentional exception is that the yjh near the bottom of the drawing has the text: "I want to read this story for a little bit longer"

if you want to read all the text, I have it up on a doc here. (you can also ask me about thoughts behind specific quotes if you want to know why i chose them)

2: amount of characters + visual details

there are 2 versions of each character for the most part, with 4 exceptions: kdj (3), yjh (6, counting the sunfish but not the kkoma), and na bori and knw only having 1.

the reason there's only one na bori is because her fate is, for the most part, set before her story can be changed by yjh. there is only 1 of her in all of the characters memories, outside of the 1865 worldline (though given we see knw after kdj kills him, its not out of the question there isn't a worldline where she reappears.)

for kim namwoon, its part because of kdj's hatred for him as someone he sees himself in, and part because kdj in orv like. replaces knw pretty directly by killing him and trying to become yjh's companion. so in kdjs notes and doodles based on wos, knw is here only as an outergod king, where kdj is unaware of him.

the outer god kings all have at least one element that sets them apart from the other cut outs: sp has his crumpled paper cloak, knw's cut out is in the shape of dragons near the edges, uriel is on fire, lhs is partially tin foil, and ljh has a water stain and some of her paper is peeling off into water. this represents them being unbound from the worldlines, but since they're still bound to the story they're still made of paper.

anna croft (near uriel) is intentionally a little more 3D than the other characters, since she has memories from past worldlines. she's supposed to seem like shes going against the tide.

1863 uriel is also a bit of an exception, though not intentionally, since her halo looks better as a separate piece of paper, and i wanted her to have flames too... it fits because shes a constellation and seeing the story from a somewhat outside perspective but is still a part of it, but it wasn't intentional.

near the edges of the piece towards the right, some characters outlines start to become faded, and the paper cut out outlines become more irregular. the outer god kings are exempt because they've managed to keep their sense of self to an extent outside of the worldline.

some of kdjs books are from his library in orv.

the text for all characters is slightly cut off (i tried to make it so most of the quotes are missing some texts so you can't actually read them in full). this is both because they're cut out of a larger page, and because kdj can't actually learn everything about the characters once he meets them by reading them because you can't read people like that. so some of the text is out of view because the characters are viewed as characters to kdj and not "real" yet, so kdj doesn't see their full stories.

some concept art + one of the earliest digital sketches i have. all of my works in progress have a billion notes left on them so i know not to forget something when i get back to them:

[drawing of yjh made of paper, and an earlier sketch of the overall piece]

i sort of wish i kept the paper style of this yjh, but it wasn't meant to be....

3. final thoughts........

this really is the most... orv piece i've ever done (?), in a lot of ways. there is nothing that makes you feel more like kdj like searching up orv quotes from memory and then scrolling through the epub on your phone to find what you want. i even ended up explaining it to my mom and having to show her what a sunfish was.

there are things i would change about it if i did it now (i would probably erase the outline from adult kdjs cut out and emphasize his shadow falling on it instead), and things i didn't get to do that would've made it more like what i envisioned (ideally i would've reread all of orv to find quotes. and i didn't do that).

It's personal to me in ways that are kind of silly. I used to doodle a lot of paper cut out creatures in high school, which helped a lot with getting the sort of paper movement down here. and of course the handwriting is just my own, so i had to actually rewrite the quotes i found. it's probably the most ambitious piece i've drawn yet composition wise, and i don't think ive spent so long on a single illustration besides art studies for school. It feels like a love letter to everything orv means to me.

if you've read this far, thank you :)! i don't normally go into this much depth about my thought process, but there's a lot here i don't expect people to pick up that i wanted to get into

[baxtervalentine]

The Heaviside Layer

Or, Cats and the Narrative Parallels of Steve and Cesare

After watching UP and re-listening to the Bigtop Burger soundtrack several times, I'm finally able to put into words while Steve and Cesare are obviously different in terms of personality, presentation, etc., when you consider their stories... they're more similar than you may initially realize.

(Watching the 1998 recording of Cats was also very important here. This will come back later.)

So first of all, what's the first thing that these two have in common, ownership of food trucks aside?

To put it the way Cesare does, they're freaks. They're weird. The only way they are able to fit in with others is by being the head of said themed food trucks, and making the uniforms their employees wear match them.

In other words, they are outsiders.

Even before the narrative begins, Steve and Cesare were shown to be cast aside by others. In "UP", Steve is banished from his home planet because he made a mistake at a crucial time, and the lyrics to Friends In Low Places reveal Cesare "wasn't missed or mourned" after he was killed.

They're both dead to the worlds they once knew.

But then...

"up, up, up, to the heaviside layer" - UP

"I was chosen for a second chance at life" - Friends in Low Places

For those of you unfamiliar with the musical Cats, the Heaviside Layer is the place a single Jellicle cat is chosen to go to at the Jellicle Ball each year to be reborn into a new life. Old Deuteronomy, the role Steve played, is the cat that chooses the one who will go to the Heaviside layer. However, Steve, along with Cesare, is more similar to the cat Old Deut ultimately picks.

I'm talking, of course, about Grizabella.

Grizabella is a former Jellicle cat who tries to rejoin the group, only to be rejected. Act II's opening number, "The Moments of Happiness", is sung by Old Deuteronomy (and was fumbled by poor Steve). It foreshadows Grizabella's last desperate cry for another chance in her big number, "Memory". The other cats accept her, and she is chosen to go to the Heaviside Layer and begin again.

So how does this relate to Steve and Cesare?

Both allude to having a new life, but are followed by their pasts. While Steve is happy with his food truck and his new friends, he is pursued by unknown authorities telling him he doesn't belong and can't belong. Along with being cast out from society millions of years ago, he's now been rejected from doing what he loves twice.

Cesare is almost the inverse. He talks up how he's got new friends (in low places), but he doesn't seem eager to stick around underground, and is vocally relieved that he won't have to be a watcher anymore. Despite being clearly very strange himself, his job is to imprison "freaks and weirdos"- and it might not be a stretch to say he's taken that to heart. Where Steve has no problem standing out, even going out to eat with his employees when they're out of makeup, Cesare insists his own employees make him look less conspicuous whenever he's with them. (Of course, this could be partially because he didn't want Steve to catch on to his plans, but I doubt Steve would have cared, since he had no idea Cesare even wanted to capture him.)

So how can this be resolved? Is there a way to truly begin again?

"Let your memory lead you/Open up, enter in If you find there the meaning of what happiness is/Then a new life will begin" - The Moments of Happiness

This part in "The Moments of Happiness" is sung not by Old Deut, but a cat in the ensemble named Jemima (and then sung again by the rest of the cats). The lyrics and melody are reprised in Grizabella's song, "Memory". She then adds some more.

"Memory, all alone in the moonlight I can smile at the old days/I was beautiful then I remember a time I knew what happiness was/Let the memory live again...

...Touch me, it's so easy to leave me All alone with the memory/Of my days in the sun If you touch me you'll understand what happiness is/Look, a new day has begun" - Memory

"Touch me" has both a literal and figurative meaning here. Throughout the musical, the Jellicle cats are noticeably physically affectionate with one another. They play with other cats while dancing, snuggle, and even greet each other by pressing their hands together. This makes it all the more jarring when the Jellicle cats refuse to touch Grizabella at the beginning- even the curious younger cats are held back from getting too close. It is a visual sign that they do not accept her. After Grizabella sings her song, one of the younger cats reaches out to her and touches her hand. None of the other cats make any attempt to stop her. Then, the Jellicle cats finally show Grizabella the affection they denied her before, letting her finally belong, and of course she becomes the Jellicle choice.

I think, just like Grizabella, what Steve and Cesare need is acceptance and a place to belong. This doesn't mean the whole world needs to say they're okay with clowns, or zombies, or general weird freaks who don't fit in. It doesn't even mean they have to give up the memories of how they got here, be they happy or sad. What they need is to be loved for who they are, and to live without being afraid to do so.

And I think the friends they have are a good place to start.

[pterygoidwalk]

DE2 VR

I've been playing with an idea for a DE sequel for a while I've been calling Video Revachol. just for fun, don't jump up my ass about any of this.

Disco = to learn and Disco Elysium = To Learn Elysium. Video = to see, so Video Revachol = To See Revachol; the story would involve tracking down Harry all over Revachol, starting at the Video Revachol rental store he kept having nightmares about.

here's more

A week after the Hanged Man case, Harry goes missing. You play as Kim, and the game kicks off with Jean visiting P57 to ask if you have any idea where Harry could have gone since you were the last person to spend any significant time with him in his new post-amnesia state.

This solves an issue I've had with the idea of a Harry POV DE sequel, that would have to pick a "canon" ending from DE to spring off of. Jean will interview Kim for details on how Harry was acting and you can describe any kind of Harry you played (or make one up wholesale), explaining to Jean what he was worked up about politically, whether he was sober or not, how well he did his job etc etc. Basically a more detailed version of Kim's assessment at the end of DE but the player is the one dictating it. This impacts what Harry is doing while MIA.

Regardless of the Harry you describe, Jean recruits Kim to help him search for him because a missing police officer is a huge deal, esp one as unstable and erratic as du Bois. Just like Kim does in DE, Jean can suggest where to go next and discuss the case with you as your partner. He obviously has a lot of insight into how Harry thinks, but you aren't dealing with quite the same Harry he's used to.

See this post for an explanation on the modified clothing mechanics Kim and Jean have. They don't steal clothes like Harry does, so you're limited to clothes they already have or can get thru legitimate means. Kim can mod some clothes he finds if they aren't too dirty or stupid looking.

The plot follows a search that goes all over Revachol, starting at Video Revachol and Harry's nearby apartment and then going from there.

Kim has his own set of skills and thought projects, but you aren't starting with a clean slate like Harry. Instead of amnesia, Kim's got a lot of repression and mental blocks compartmentalizing things that will take time to open up. One of the big ones is what happened to his old partner, Eyes.

Dominic "Eyes" Aguilar was Kim's satellite officer. The two of them were close, and it is very vague initially what happened to him. Kim *refuses* to dwell on it, and you'll need to complete a few mental exercises to even let him meditate on the subject. There are hints that Eyes might have been killed, others that he died of an overdose, or that he just quit or was fired. This is a parallel to Harry and Dora, but different because whatever happened to Dom happened very recently. Kim has not been dealing with it in a healthy way. Lots of phantom Doms crop up visually and as auditory hallucinations; his absence is fresh and Kim hasn't adjusted to it.

This affects his dynamic with Jean, a recently orphaned satellite officer. Kim tries to keep him at arm's length emotionally and you can do that successfully, or you can let Kim open up to him. I like the idea of it mirroring the "gruff older man adopts a lost child" trope that was popular in the 2010s, but the lost child is a 34 yr old cop with depression and anger issues.

Other story beats I keep thinking about:

At some point the Kineema is taken out of commission (either damaged or Kim's captain rescinds authorization to use it for some reason), so they take Harry's old motorcycle with a sidecar, inspired by this one sketch by DE's art director. Kim is a huge fan, and Jean... isn't.

When unable to tag along with Kim, Jean has a cop horse he rides around. This way he can leave the scene for various reasons without taking Kim's transport option away. Her name is something stupid like Pookie or Cookie and Jean loves her even tho she's mean. Kim does not like horses and will not attempt to ride her even if prompted.

What happened to Harry is determined by the description you give of him in the beginning. It all has something to do with the Shivers visions telling him about the very terrible thing that's going to happen to Revachol if he doesn't stop it (or, if you described a particular type of Harry, he might be trying to expedite it in a way where he'll come out with some power over what's left)

Kim has a decomptage but it's in disarray after losing Eyes. His team is also majority young women, which gets him some comments. If you eavesdrop/EDC some of his team you find out there's a whisper network among women in the RCM, and Kim's considered a good guy to work for because, quote, "He won't call you with a love confession at 3 am like the other bellends here". This can cause some conflict for Kim because obviously he wants to be a safe mentor for these officers, but female officers trying to join his team has caused some unneeded scrutiny towards him from the other men at P57. You gonna keep up the feminist thing even if it alienates you from 80% of your blue brothers? huh??

Kim's entire relationship with the RCM is framed like an abusive one. The more Kim leans into the cop identity, the more power he feels but the more paranoid and jumpy he gets. A LOT of his fellow officers treat him like shit and you can even get Kim fixated on the idea that some of his team want him dead and out of the way.

like. fucking obviously i want kim and jean to flirt. It becomes very clear that Jean's lonely and misses Harry, so he tries to get Kim to bond with him. You can shut him down or open up-- this is tied to progress on any of the thought projects/compartmentalization deconstruction relating to Eyes. Kim won't let himself get close to Jean without processing some of that grief.

[our-happygirl500-fan]

Something that I have kind of been thinking about are all the various dynamics that Big Mama seems to have with the Hamato Clan.

Leo: Just the spider I was coming to gloat to.

Big Mama: I am not one to be outmanoeuvred my turtle boo. Well done. 

With Leo it almost seems as though Big Mama has possibly been set up as a foil for Leo, with Leo being the member of the Hamato Clan that was able to outmanoeuvre Big Mama in the episode 'Many Unhappy Returns' & was able to see through Big Mama's deceit in the episode 'Bug Busters'.

Something that I have seen a few people talk about are the possible parallels between Big Mama & Leo as they are both able to twist situations into something in their own favour, however they also contrast each other as Big Mama seems to be primarily motivated for her own gain while Leo is motivated by trying to keep his family safe.

Splinter: From you, as we tangoed the night away.

With Splinter, Big Mama has a complicated history as exes, with Big Mama having betrayed Splinter's trust & forced him to fight in the Battle Nexus however their relationship also seems slightly more complicated in the fact that they possibly seem to still have some kind of feelings for one another as in the episode 'The Ancient Art of Ninja Hide and Seek' it's shown that Big Mama kept a photo of them & Splinter went to retrieve the photo & towards the end of the episode 'Battle Nexus New York' Splinter attempted to save Big Mama from the Shredder & in the final episode of Rise, Big Mama did seem to help the Turtles find where the Shredder had taken Splinter & Draxum.

Big Mama: We both know my train is the only way to secretly move your cargo to the shrine.

Draxum: And I’m paying a heavy price for not asking questions

With Draxum, Big Mama has been portrayed as both a sort of rivals Draxum having originally taken Lou Jitsu from her in the episode 'Goyle, Goyles, Goyles' & Big Mama has tried to use Draxum's oozesquitoes for her Battle Nexus in the episode 'Bug Busters', however they are also kind of portrayed as bussiness partners as well as in the episode 'Insane in the Mama Train' Draxum was also the one who gave Big Mama the orb she needed for her Battle Nexus New York plan & Big Mama was the one who gave Draxum the opportunity to transport the Dark Armour creating the impression that Big Mama & Draxum will work together if it benefits them but will double cross each other if there is more to gain.

Something I kind of wonder about however is what their dynamic would be like after Draxum's redemption.

Donnie: I have only one question. How dare you?

With Donnie their dynamic seems to be Donnie showing a dislike towards Big Mama whenever they interact with each other whether due to Donnie still holding a grudge over Big Mama trying to use him & betraying his trust in the episode 'Bug Busters' or that Donnie is simply just generally upset at everything Big Mama has done to his family but something that I think is kind of interesting is that Donnie might possibly be the Turtle that almost kind of seems to show his dislike towards Big Mama the most out of the Hamato Clan.

Big Mama: You did your part so I will do mine

Something I also kind of think about is Big Mama's Assistant being one of the missing Turtle siblings meaning Big Mama kind of technically raised a member of the Hamato Clan which kind of makes me wonder how it would affect Big Mama's other dynamics with the rest of the Hamato Clan if they knew who Big Mama's Assistant was.

Raph: Heh.. uh… H-Hi..Big Mama.

Big Mama: Hello turtley boo

With Raph when Big Mama interacts with him in the episode 'Raph's Ride Along', Big Mama seems to act amused towards Raph while Raph seems to act nervous around her, this could possibly be due to what was going on during the episode however this could also be a glimpse into their dynamic of Raph possibly being intimidated by Big Mama due to knowing that she is dangerous & Big Mama simply being amused by Raph as she doesn't seem to view him as a threat to her.

Something that I kind of wonder about is what Big Mama's dynamic could have possibly been like with Mikey & April if we could have seen them interact properly with each other.

[themsource]

7alt8 AU - Family

(Takes place three years before the comic 'Parallels')

“You’d really keep my great niece and nephew from me?” Ford asked breathlessly, his eyes wide in disbelief. He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

This was to be the first summer he got to spend with his great niece and nephew, and he’d been looking forward to it for the last year. The thought of actually being able to be around family without judgment or pity had kept him up long into the night with excitement the night prior as he’d come up with all sorts of activities they could do together.

And now he was being told it might not happen.

Ford had pulled into his niece and nephew’s driveway only ten minutes ago, he hadn’t even gotten to greet the kids yet, and already everything was falling apart over bland tea… with admittedly good biscotti.

Lee and Abigail both exchanged a look before the shorter brunette took a deep breath, an awkward smile meant to comfort gracing her lips but doing nothing other than causing a flare of irritation through her uncle.

“We don’t want to, it’s just…” She paused, her eyes darting as she tried to find her words that Ford knew were going to be insensitive no matter how she used them. “I’m sorry to say this but, we don’t want them being dragged into this… obsession of yours. I mean, you missed their 13th birthday party because you felt as if you’d discovered the remains of El Dorado and thought that it was somehow run by lizardmen!”

“Aliens,” Ford corrected as he cleared his throat. “It was connected to aliens, and I said the residents were likely attacked by lizardmen at one point resulting in a war that wiped out their crops and festered disease. Not that they were—”

“That’s not the point!” Abigail cried as she waved his words away.

He winced, and had the decency to look apologetic for his bad habit of rambling. Ford had always been a man of discovery and science, so he really couldn’t help how his words got away from him sometimes.

“I apologized for that. I got them both gifts.”

“Yes… some supposed particle gun and a set of laser powered handcuffs.” Lee drawled.

Ford couldn’t help beaming with pride. “Two excellent pinnacles of technology wouldn’t you agree? My colleague and I spent the better part of a year fine tuning the blueprints and constructing them. The process was fascinating!”

Lee and Abigail stared at him.

And the longer they did so the more he deflated until he was awkwardly staring right back. 

Abigail ran a hand through her hair, “Be that as it may, this is still a problem. It’s been decades Uncle Standford, and we’ve already told them that Uncle Stanley—”

“He’s not dead.” Ford cut across her, resolute and final.

His nephew and niece-in-law both exchanged a wary look.

Ford sighed as he pinched the bridge of his nose. He knew he should be respectful right now, even if every atom of his body protested and wanted to chide the both of them, but it was difficult.

He’d just gotten so tired of hearing how the family had given up over the years…

“Look,” He began as he adjusted his glasses and folded his hands. “I love these kids, more than anything, and their safety will be my utmost priority if you agree to entrust them to me, I promise you.”

Abigail swallowed thickly as she glanced down at her hands and began to fiddle with the acrylic on one of her long manicured nails. Lee, however, met Ford’s gaze head on, his words stern and tone icy.

“If we let you have them for the summer you are to take them to your home in Gravity Falls, and keep them there. You won’t drag our children on this wild goose chase of yours, or you’ll never see Dipper and Mabel again. I won’t agree to trust our children to some lunatic. Do you understand?”

'Wild goose chase.��

Ford’s hands clenched into fists against the table top, but he showed just how great the extent of his control was as he kept a perfectly neutral expression and nodded in understanding while he replied, “Completely.”

Lee and Abigail exchanged another concerned look before finally relenting as they smiled.

“We’ll have them get packed then.” Abigail chirped as she took a sip of her tea.

Ford forced himself to relax as he returned their grins with a hollow one of his own and popped a piece of biscotti between his teeth. For the next ten minutes he listened to Lee and Abigail’s upcoming plans for a vacation to the alps now that the kids would be preoccupied, and reassured them when they would ask questions or voice any lingering worries.

It was tedious.

But finally, they both excused themselves to go help the twins pack, leaving Ford alone in their kitchen. Alone with their phone only a few feet away, tucked into the corner of their marble counter.

He wasted no time rushing over to it.

On the third ring he got an answer, and he was quick, straight to the point and clipped.

“Fiddleford? Does your uncle still own that hanger off of I-580?”

~~~~

“Tell me, do you love your parents?”

Dipper and Mabel frowned as they looked at each other before looking back up at him.

“Yes,” they replied simultaneously.

“Good, because I love them too!” Ford exclaimed as he tossed the last of their bags in the back of his trunk before slamming the lid shut. “However, allow me to pose another question.”

He turned to face them with his fists on his hips. “Do you love obeying them?”

At that Dipper and Mabel went wide eyed and took turns shaking their heads and tilting their hands as they mumbled indifferent and uncertain ‘mehs’ and ‘sometimes’ followed by ‘not really’. 

Ford felt a smirk curve his lips as he chuckled.

“An interesting answer. Now get in the car, we have a long journey ahead.”

As the twins both climbed into the car (after arguing over who got shotgun to which Mabel won over a game of rock-paper-scissors) Dipper couldn’t help groaning under his breath from the backseat, “Why do you have to live eight hours away? My legs are going to be numb by the time we get there.

Ford didn’t say anything as he waited for them to both finish buckling in before turning on the ignition and pulling out of the driveway.

“Yes, eight hours can be a moderately taxing drive.” he chuckled, before adding, “which is why we shall be flying.”

Dipper and Mabel both perked up at that, Dipper raising a confused brow as Mabel tilted her head to ask, “Flying?”

Ford glanced at her from the corner of his eye and grinned.

“We’re not going to Gravity Falls. Not right now at least. I have found something interesting that I wish to investigate. Next stop: Europe! Dublin specifically.”

“...does this have anything to do with great uncle Stanley?” Dipper asked, perturbed.

Ford fell silent as he stared ahead at the open road.

The quiet awkwardly filled the car as Mabel glanced back at her brother via the rearview mirror, the both of them making a face of worry. After an extended and tense moment, Mabel perked up, her chest puffing out as she threw a thumb at the center of it.

“Well, I don’t know about you two, but I’ve always wanted to see a leprechaun!”

The tension instantly vanished as Ford chuckled again and Dipper rolled his eyes.

“Leprechauns aren’t real,” her brother sighed.

Mabel instantly went into a pout.

“You don’t know that! I bet they are, and that their gold is really those chocolate coins that the stores sell on halloween! Oh, oh! And! They bleed sprinkles and sneeze rainbows!”

“What? You can’t be serious Mabel.” Dipper groused at his sister’s whimsy.

As they both started to go back and forth, Ford felt his heart skip a beat as elation warmed his chest from the inside out. The kids may have been a bit apprehensive, but now that they were warming up to the idea of traveling abroad he couldn’t help thinking how lucky he was. 

Dipper and Mabel were not going to hinder his search after all by forcing him to be in one place for an extended period of time (wasting precious minutes—minutes that could be life or death for Stanley wherever he was), and were sure to be a great asset to him with Dipper’s logic and Mabel’s ability to think outside the box. In time at least, once they’d gotten used to everything and he’d had time to explain the theory of weirdness to them.

Clearly, he’d have to work on Dipper’s logic and how it could be applied to the abnormal, because leprechauns were indeed real, and were ALWAYS cranky. And also work with Mabel on how to convey her creative ideas in a proper way, as sometimes they bordered on nonsensical.

But those were just small, trivial details that could be handled another day.

First things first, was making sure they were both comfortable during this trip. He wanted them to enjoy it and get a taste for adventuring just as he had, and to want to do this when the opportunity came to visit him. He wanted them to not regret taking a risk by trusting him like they just had and going along with it when he mentioned the change of plans.

Ford may have misled their parents on what he and the kids would be doing, but he had been truthful about how much they both meant to him and the care that he felt towards their wellbeing.

He glanced over again as the dappled light from passing trees danced across the interior of the car, his gaze raking over both the twins as they dissolved into giggles and laughter over something concerning dorito chips and hot sauce. How they got on that topic he hadn’t a clue but he couldn’t help laughing along as Mabel listed off how hot sauce was a better dip than nacho cheese.

….he was certain that Stanley would have adored them, just as he did.

He focused on driving again and took a turn towards the private airport he’d booked with Fiddleford right after his conversation with Lee and Abigail.

The sight of the plane already waiting on the runway gradually greeted him like a beacon of light through darkness as he slowly crested the rolling hill of freshly dewed grass and graveled dirt towards the tarmac.

Everything would be fine, Ford reassured himself.

He just hoped Dipper and Mabel were able to keep a secret.

[scrapyardboyfriends]

I feel like I'm good at mostly ignoring this story until I catch up on the show and then I have to rant about it so....

the rant...

Obviously the premise of this story was already bad from the conception of John as a character. It was already kind of lazy and one single character was not going to rebuild the Sugden family anyway.

But every decision they've made since that character conception has been more baffling than the next really.

Because they could have just told a straightforward story about Vic finding a long lost Sugden brother and him coming to the village and getting to know Vic and Harry and Sarah and meeting Aaron and them trauma bonding over his army past and them getting together after that even though the Robert of it all is weird and maybe causes some surface level angst because god forbid they actually do anything with that.

And like...that would have been pretty dull and boring but it would have been a vaguely functional story.

Instead, they've been promoting this story like it's this big A story with Aaron sleeping with his ex husband's brother and being seduced by the Sugden charm and having sizzling passion overtake them all the time etc etc. And then on screen they're always like the D story and half the time you wouldn't even know what the scenes are trying to get across if you hadn't read the spoilers.

And then they keep missing out on actual story by going surface level with any of the Robert mentions, by not giving anyone any kind of motivations realistic or otherwise and constantly undercutting any potential drama before it even happens.

They've paralleled a bunch of random Robron affair scenes for no apparent reason other than to vaguely remind the viewers of Robert and Robron cause they want it to be dramatic but then it's not in the actual story and because they think that's all it takes to sell a romance story for Aaron? Unclear.

They've really done very little with the Robert mentions other than get them in there so they can put his name in magazines. But Aaron seems to have gotten over it all very quickly around the time John "kissaulted" him in the barn.

Their entire relationship thus far is based on sex. They've never even tried to have a conversation about anything else. Certainly not on screen. Aaron appears to have feelings according to the spoilers but we've seen very little evidence of it on screen and they haven't given any reason why he might like John. John is just blank. And I don't even feel the sexual attraction or sexual chemistry between them in any way because they have to sell it by John constantly telling him "I know what you want" etc. So I just have no clue why they're even doing this.

Then you have Vic who's stalking him because she's desperate for family, which I get but also he's kind of mostly been an asshole to her but that doesn't matter cause he's family and she must have it.

Then you have Mack who they created this animosity between him and John out of thin air for no apparent reason to the point that Lawrence doesn't even know why his character hates John.

And then they have Vic catch them in the barn and then tell everyone so you can have Mack be all weirdly jealous and tell Aaron he deserves better and have Aaron lie to him about still seeing John and lie to Vic because she doesn't want them to date so they won't break up and John won't leave.

And like fine I guess.

But then you do this fire story and have John be the big hero and now Chas is fawning all over him when before she had some minor reservations and you have Mack thanking him for saving his life.

So is Mack still going to be that upset when he finds out Aaron and John are still loosely a thing? I feel like they totally undercut that bit of future drama. I guess he can be upset Aaron lied to him but he's gonna be mad for like one scene and then everyone will move on.

And then is it going to be that dramatic when Vic finds out and has...*checks notes* the exact same reaction as before most likely?

Where is the story?

There isn't one.

And it's not like when Robert and Aaron's affair was discovered and Robert's whole marriage imploded and then eventually he worked his way back to Aaron and they got together properly.

Aaron and John are already basically together?? I guess?? Like there's nothing stopping them. It's not like there's any story in them getting together properly after they're discovered again and everyone has their very tepid reactions?

Sigh.

And then there's the Aiden Moore mystery they threw in there, which everyone has mostly guessed will be someone he lost in the army.

And is that supposed to explain his whole character and why he pushes everyone away? Cause he lost one person in the army?

Stacked up next to the trauma porn king, Aaron Dingle?

John tells Aaron about losing Aiden and Aaron's like "Yeah I can relate" and John's like, "Really, you lost someone too?"

And Aaron's like "Yeah take your pick. You want the boyfriend who got hit by a train and was paralyzed who then made me help him die and then I was on trial for his murder and started self harming? You want the boyfriend who was killed by the local serial killer and then my sister was arrested for it cause she was drinking so much at the time she couldn't remember if she'd killed him? You want that same sister who was then killed in a storm by a falling caravan that I probably could have stopped if I'd told people about my mom having an affair? And that's not even getting into the Robert of it all and what losing him did to me. Or there's you know my whole childhood wrecked by my father abusing me or my traumatic coming out and suicide attempt."

And John's just gonna be there all...

Just...like...I'm sorry...his little traumatic army past is not going to hold a candle to Aaron's litany of traumas or explain enough why he is the way he is.

And then what...they trauma bond. People find out they're still sleeping together and are vaguely bothered about it for one scene and then they're just...together?

Just what is the point of it all?

Why create all of these obstacles to them being together to then not actually really use any of them?

And then is Oliver going to want to leave in a year and then it's all for nothing anyway?

Sigh....sigh...sigh...

[thedawningofthehour]

I stumbled upon this post again

Fai, please stop coming out with these kind of scenarios, they are depressing!!! And of the kind that I eat up!!!!

I would like to know more!

Many- if not all- leo's Sep AU's with Draxum have Draxum being abusive to varying degrees, that it would be interesting to see one with a Draxum who at least tries to love his son and be a good father and still fails.

Leo would be his usual self, wich annoy Draxum, and causes self estem issues, but that's okay, in the end they only have each other and Leo doesn't really have competition, until he does, because his Long Lost missing Brothers show up and it turns out Draxum likes them more, which would be much more mess up because this Leo doesn't really have connections outside of Draxum. It all be complicated and 'll Will eat it with fries.

I mean, I've never really thought out how he'd be raising each of the boys alone, really just all together or just with Donnie. Donnie, I feel like is such a perfect parallel to Draxum that it just makes sense for a separated AU Draxum to get Donnie in the divorce. Like, Splinter and Big Mama, you could make an argument that pairing them up with any of the other three would fit in a unique and interesting way, but Draxum was just meant to have Donnie. (also I love how all separated AUs are like "hokay, obviously three of the parents are Draxum, Big Mama, and Splinter, and the fourth is...fuck, I dunno, the Foot? Hueso?") Not that I don't like other separated AUs where Donnie is raised by someone else, (Little Prince my beloved) but Donatello Draxum is just poetic.

But, going along this line of thinking, with the 'doth Draxum actually raises Galois from a hatchling' fantasy set of events except it's not Donnie he ended up with but another turtle...hmm.

(I'm going to use Donnie and Galois interchangeably for this post deal with it)

Well, for starters, he'd be less protective over the other boys than he is with Gale right now. (honestly, he'd be less protective of Galois too if he'd raised him for sixteen years, but that's for another post) He still would be overprotective, and he'd do the same isolating thing with any of the other boys and hide their existence until he was ready to move forward with his domination plans. Mikey, he would still be more protective of, considering his innate mystical ability surpassing his potential as the warrior he was designed as. Not to the same extent as Donnie though, since most of Mikey's abilities would still require him to be present on the battlefield, verses Donnie who could fulfill his usefulness 100% from an underground bunker.

Raph and Leo, however, were made for war and their greatest talents still lie in combat. If he is to make use of them then there's no way of getting around it, they'll end up on the front lines at some point. Draxum would have to train them to be able to survive that, to fulfill the purposes they were made for-and he would have to steel himself for the very, very real possibility that they may die.

(That's kind of present in his current relationship with Raph, he's aware that this might end with Raph dying from a bullet meant for Gale. And if Raph betrays Draxum, or he's forced to choose between Raph and Galois, he needs to be able to sacrifice Raph without hesitation. He really doesn't want to start seeing Raph as his son and complicate matters-the revolution needs Galois more than it needs Raph or even Draxum, there can be no room for choice between them)

Another thing is that Draxum and Donnie have similar interests, so they'd naturally have a stronger friendship than the other three anyway. He'd still find things to bond over with Mikey and Raph, they're both pretty versatile and easy to get along with. With Leo? Maybe history? Medicine? Like, yes he could impart upon Leo all his medical knowledge, (oh my god, so many dissections would take place in that house) but I feel like Leo's joking nature would make Draxum feel like Leo isn't giving the subject the attention it deserves and it would always end in a screaming match. Not to mention Leo's sense of humor is exactly what irritates Draxum's ego most efficiently.

And then there's the areas Leo actually excels at verses his brothers, namely 1) his charisma and leadership skills, and 2) his strategic mind.

Leo is smart. Doth Draxum is learning to his great displeasure how smart, but a Draxum who raised Leo from birth would know he's smart. And it's not the simple fact that his child can be smarter than The Great Baron Draxum that bothers him, no. Galois is smarter than him in many ways, and Draxum delights in that. He loves having someone he can intellectually spar with, whose arguments actually pose a challenge, and he feels immense pride that his creation is so brilliant he's outpacing his creator.

It wouldn't be the same for Leo. Because while Leo absolutely could outsmart Draxum, (or is getting smart enough that he's getting close) it's in a way he absolutely doesn't understand. When Donnie wins an argument Draxum is practically giddy over it, because what Donnie's saying or doing makes sense. Yes, Draxum didn't think of it first, but now that's he laid out the situation this way he can totally see what he's talking about and wow his son's brilliance takes his breath away, he can't believe this is the same turtle he fed with a bottle and rocked to sleep after a nightmare-who, less than two decades ago, bit his hand, cried, and then bit his other hand to see if that one hurt too.

Leo's brain does not work the same way. When he outsmarts Draxum, he does it in such a convoluted, weird-ass way that Draxum is like "???!!!!!!!?? How????!!!" And this infuriates him. Baron Draxum is one of the world's greatest minds. He's hundreds of years old. He will not be bamboozled by his teenage son working off the seat of his pants!

And it just frustrates him immensely, that Leo can be so smart in a way Draxum absolutely cannot follow. He can accept that he's perceptive and good at talking to people, yes, Draxum knows his social skills are lacking and he's accepted that there's a piece of the puzzle there that most people have and he just lacks-but how in the world can Leo out-strategize him?

Oh yeah, there would absolutely be self-esteem issues when Draxum is mooning over how talented his other sons are, when he gets along with Leo's brothers so much easier than he does with the kid he's raised for over a decade. And Drax probably wouldn't realize it until Huginn and Muninn pointed it out or Leo had a breakdown in front of him. But he would make a point to tell Leo-in his own awkward, roundabout way-how talented he truly was, and he's sorry that he's never been able to understand him.

And since I know you like my bird, an Angel update: along with having to deal with this molt, (he looks scruffy, the casing his feathers have when they come in is super hot and itchy, and he's hungry and tired all the time because growing a bird's worth of feathers is a lot of work!) my sister was home sick yesterday. His sleeping cage is in her bedroom, but she was long asleep by the time he goes to bed. So we just locked him in his downstairs cage, which he pretty much just uses as a playground/eating area. He did a few confused peeps, but then he settled down and went to bed-a very good bird! He was thanked for his compliance and got extra pets today, and was so excited to get his room back. He had to do a full inspection of his cage first, but he's happily snoozing away now. We're very proud of him for not being a dick about it.

[clownprincehoeshi]

Parallel Hearts - Chapter 4

Synopsis: Never in your wildest dreams you imagined that you’ll meet your ult bias. Maybe you finally have your shot at love and happiness. Or not.

Genre: for all chapters- Fluff, Smut, Angst

Pairing: fem reader x idol Jungkook fem reader x idol Mingyu fem reader x idol Hoshi

Warnings: Kissing-Nudity-Sex 18+-Harrassment-Stalking-Death mentions-Cheating

Word count: 6401

Don't know how this chapter got so long. By my calculations, all chapters combined will go somehwere between 40k and 50k. Depends how much the plot thickens. Happy reading!

Previous chapter - Next chapter

Masterlist

This is a feeling you know too well. You’ve been here before and you hate it. You hate how all you think about it’s him, how you can barely sleep or eat, how you cry so much. You hate you’re so far from home and you can’t have your besties to keep you company and give you warm hugs. They know you the best.

Of course Hana has become your good friend, but can’t compare a friendship of 15 years with one of 1 year. Though, you feel you can trust her, you were always lucky with picking your friend. Apparently, you’re not as good at picking men.

Hana has been sleeping at your place since the breakup, 3 weeks ago. She’s going to be visiting her parents in Busan this weekend though, and you’re afraid you might have nightmares again. It’s something that happens whenever you’re really sad.

But you’re making progress. You can finally eat almost normally, you went back to the gym, but you can’t yet listen to music. You feel like music reminds you of him and you are not ready yet for it. Sleep is still a problem for you, as you need to know that someone is there for you, in your house. Breakups have always left a hole in your heart, a loneliness you can’t express. So you need company. You feel like a lost puppy.

You told Hana that you’ll feel extra lonely this weekend since she’s not going to be there and she said not to worry, because she’ll send one of your friends to keep you company. She didn’t say who, she said she wasn’t sure which one will be in town and have some free time.

So you waited all day on Saturday for your mystery friend to arrive. You even baked and bought some of that good meat to grill later, as a sign of gratitude. You hear knocking on the door and you go to open it.

Y/N: Mingyyyuuu!

You are so happy to see him, that you jump right at him for a tight hug.

Mingyu: I had no idea you missed me so much.

You invite him in and you feel relieved that it’s him and not someone else. The only downside is that he reminds you of him, as they are such close friends. He’s hoping to find out more from you, and maybe get you to open up. He wants to be there for you and help you get over this dark period you’re having.

Y/N: Tell me what you need. I even got meat and we can cook. You’re thirsty, hungry?

Mingyu: I feel like we could use some drinks before anything.

Y/N: Yesss, please!

You get some soju out and you try to not abuse alcohol right now, you tend to speak too much when you’re drunk. And you get to become too direct and honest. You both sit on the couch that’s facing your big living room windows, revealing the city.

Y/N: Maaan, I love to sit here for hours and look out the window. But I hate that winters here are cold as fuck. And I’m not sure yet if I like snow or if I hate it.

After some time of silence from Mingyu, and a couple of glasses, he finally got the courage to say something.

Mingyu: Y/N?

Y/N: Hmm?

Mingyu: I want you to know that I had no idea he didn’t tell you he will leave now. Even if I knew, I don’t think it was my place to let you know. And I hate that he acted like this and that he hurt you. I tried to talk to him about it and he just blew off, saying some stupid shit.

Y/N: What he did say? Because all he said to me was that he was sorry, on the day he enlisted. That was some lousy text. I blocked him after that.

Mingyu: He said “Why aren’t you happy now? You can finally have her”.

Y/N: What a stupid thing to say to his best friend. Where did that come from, why is he acting jealous since he never gave a shit about me?

Mingyu: Well I think he was always jealous, just not letting it show. Thing is this kind of affected our friendship. I mean, I was the first person to tell him to go for you, to confess. And for him to act like I was trying to make a move on you was pretty shitty.

Y/N: So let him believe that. Hope he can’t sleep well at night, thinking his ex and his bestie are fucking.

Mingyu: Whoaah, language!

He looks at you and asks how many glasses you had. You lift 4 fingers but you say two.

Mingyu: That’s it, no more soju for you, princess!

Y/N: I’m not a princess, look how I dress. Like a homeless dude.

He comes to hug you, patting your head.

Mingyu: You’re my homeless dude, then. Now let me be your chef for today, I’ll make you something really delicious.

And you let him cook. Not that you’re lazy, but you’re a little drunk and you don’t want to mess up. You’re feeling too good now, and you put some music on. You think some D’Angelo fits with today. You even forget you we’re not able to listen any music since the breakup.

Alcohol takes away your shyness and it’s like you’re another person, but you just think it brings the real you, fun, funny, silly, bright, friendly and chatty. Mingyu just giggles every time you’re like this, because he says it makes him happy when you’re happy.

He wonders if it’s a mistake that he came to keep you company today. And while he was having that thought and also moving around your kitchen, he felt you body brushing his. He froze and looked at you. You were just minding your business, looking for plates to set the table. The space between your counters and the kitchen island was not very generous, bot in your drunken state, you didn’t realize that.

He kept looking at you and felt his cheeks heating up. As your body brushed his, your hand also brushed his abs. It sent electric shocks through his body. He always had a thing for you, we can call it a crush. He gave up on you, as you were into his friend, so he kept these feelings closed. But what just happened now, woke a tiny little thought in his mind. What if…?

A voice brought him back to reality and a pair of big bright eyes looking up at him. Damn, you looked adorable.

Y/N: Gyyyyuuu! How many times do I have to call for you? You’re ghosting me right in my face.

Mingyu: Sorry, what does my princess want?

You look at him angrily and mumble something only for you to hear. Sheesh, such a tall and handsome dummy.

Y/N: Nevermind!

Food is ready, he made the grill and rice and you made salad. He knew that if you eat and drink lots of water, the alcohol will not have such a strong effect on you, and he was right. But he kept on drinking, he has a big tolerance. After dinner, you both took a shower. Separately. You went to you bedroom and he took the couch. Was a pretty big couch, he felt comfortable.

It was easy for you to drift to sleep after all that alcohol and food. And after that hot shower. But in the middle of the night you woke up scared and sweaty after a bad dream. Someone or something was chasing you in your dream.

You remembered Mingyu was there and you got out of bed to go check if he was maybe awake, to…talk to you, make you forget about the nightmare and the stupid mood it put you in. But he was sleeping. You got down on your knees, close to him and waited a little. In your sleepy state you thought that maybe if you stare enough, he’ll wake up and just guess what was going on in your head.

You whispered his name slowly but nothing. You pouted and got up to go back to bed. As you were getting up, you felt a grip on your wrist. He was awake. Why didn’t he say something? He pulled you down and you lost your balance and fell right on top of him.

Mingyu: What’s wrong, princess? Came  for cuddles?

Y/N: Uuummm I had a bad dream.

Mingyu: That’s why you’re on top of me in the middle of the night?

Y/N: You pulled me.

Mingyu: Not that hard.

Y/N: I tripped.

Mingyu: On purpose?

You whined, trying to get up, but he didn’t let you.

Mingyu: Stay here now, you said you had a bad dream. I’ll protect you, that’s why I’m here.

Y/N: Gyu..we shouldn’t. This isn’t..

Mingyu: Right? Why isn’t it right? You’re a free woman now, nothing wrong with us sleeping in the same bed, or couch. You’re still thinking about that jerk?

You drop your face into his chest, feeling stupid.

Mingyu: Darling, don’t feel bad, ok? He was stupid and now he’s gone. There are so many other guys that would be sooo happy to be with you.

You tried to speak into his chest but he didn’t understand any word. He just stroked your head and told you that you can use him as a pillow, or as anything you wanted. You were quiet and you stayed there. It felt nice. Warm and fuzzy. So you fell asleep in his arms and he was a happy man that night.

You only had Mingyu sleeping at your place one more time, but Hana was there too. It was after a little get together of the 97 crew. It’s been 2 months after the breakup and you felt good now. Crying had stopped, nightmares had stopped, and you didn’t feel lonely anymore.

Also, since you and Mingyu were closer now, you started to get into his group. It was like a ray of sunshine watching them do silly stuff on their shows and interviews. Reminded you of when you first got into kpop. Mingyu was very busy lately with Seventeen, preparing for a comeback, but he never forgot to check up on you and call you every other day.

You knew Mingyu was a ladies man and that he always had flings and affairs, mostly with female idols, actresses, models or just women that were famous. He would tell you about them sometimes and ask for advice. It seemed that he would never settle thought, like he was bored right away and was looking for something, but even he didn’t know what that something was.

You were at work one day and you had a meeting with your boss and teams about a new project you will work on. You were the team’s artist, you were skilled with your hands and very talented. You used to paint with Jungkook when you were together and you hated that every time you were drawing for work it reminded you of him. At least you’re not crying now, tight? Those days are over.

So this new project was for Hybe. Ugh! Will this man hunt you forever? You had to work with Seventeen’s team for their new promotion and when you heard you were a bit excited. Ok, maybe a lot excited, because you pretty much became a fan of them. This meant that you might be ending up meeting them, or at least some of them.

For the next few weeks, each member would come to your agency and have individual or group  shootings, and you had to be there for everything. Who was your bias? You thought it was Mingyu, obviously, but other than him, don’t ask. It’s impossible when there are so many of them and all so interesting in their own way.

Today’s shooting was for Hoshi, he was he 7th member you’ll be meeting. You got a little late at the office that day, so you were running in your heels like a crazy dude, carrying all these papers and drawings. Then, the next second you were on the floor, all your shit flying every where. You look at your skirt. Kimchy all over it. Your head hurt.

Guy: Omg, I’m so sorry, I was not looking, I had my face into my bowl.

He got up to help you. You were about to unleash the fire of hell on this guy, until you saw his face.

Y/N: Oh! It’s fine, it happens. It’s my fault too, for being late and running. I’m here for your shooting, anyway, I’m in charge of the set.

Hoshi: I’m Hoshi, it’s nice meeting you and again, I am sorry. Let me gather your stuff and help you clean your skirt.

Y/N: No no no no, it’s ok, really. I always keep extra clothes in my office just in case, I’ll change.

Hoshi: I feel so bad, not sure that spot will come off, I should know.

He pouts and you think it’s the most adorable thing ever.

Y/N: Btw, I am Y/N and a friend of Mingyu.

He looked a little stunned at your words and he became very defensive.

Hoshi: Oh, you’re that Y/N. Ok, then I should go back to the shooting, they expecting me.

And like that, he just ran away, he let you stand there with your extended hand, waiting for him to shake it. What a weird guy. But why did he say it like that? “that Y/N”. You decide to ask Mingyu about this tonight.

The shoot went smoothly, Hoshi was a natural and he is very photogenic. Though he kept giving you weird looks, almost mean and you felt like you did something but had no idea what it was.

Back home that night, you text Mingyu and tell him to call you when he’s free. He calls you in 2 hours after he gets home.

Mingyu: Y/N, hey! What are you up to? Missed me?

Y/N: Of course, why not.

And you start laughing by yourself, very proud of your joke. But he doesn’t flinch.

Mingyu: Ugh, please. Since you started watching Going Seventeen you’ve gotten insane.

Y/N: Come on, it’s cute when you say it.

Mingyu: Ok, going to hang up.

Y/N: Nooo, pleaseee Gyu! I’m sorry, I’m sorryyyy!

Mingyu: I like when you beg. Go on..

Y/N: Shut up, perv! I have a curiosity. Today I met your buddy, Hoshi and he was very awkward around me after he found out who I was. He said “oh, you’re THAT Y/N”. Spill!

Mingyu: Hmm, I have no idea. I mean, some of the guys know about you, that we’re friends, but that’s it.

Y/N: Hmm, I think it’s weird and there’s something more there. Maybe you don’t know either or you don’t want to tell me. Which is fine, I will find out on my own, I’m a good detective.

Mingyu bursts laughing. You end the call 30 minutes later and you keep thinking about that encounter with Hoshi all night.

It’s time for vacation, you and Hana got a week off work because you want to attend some concert Mingyu invited you both to. Seventeen is going to perform in Thailand and you always wanted to go there, so it’s the perfect opportunity. They will have 3 concerts there and you decided to go to one only, because you needed time to do tourist shit with Hana.

You tried to bring only your best clothes and accessories, because you knew you’ll see the guys again and you wanted to make a good impression. Plus, Hana didn’t let you bring any of your homeless stuff. You were a little pouty about that, but you’ll listen to her THIS time, because it was vacay time.

You did a lot of shopping there, spent a lot of time at the beach and trying out local food. Took tons of pictures, you wanted to post on your socials so that Jungkook will see you’re happy without him too. You didn’t know how he would see, you just liked to think he will.

You always get a nice golden tan in the summer and it somehow makes you look prettier, everyone tells you that it suits you. Hana insisted that you attend soudcheck too, not just the actual concert, claiming that’s where to fun is. Oh well, you went anyway and made sure to look your best. So you got the “girls” out, wearing a deep cut top, let your long hair flow over your back.

Y/N: Wifeu, quick answer. Should I wear something to show off my legs or my ass?

Hana: Uff, hard one. How about both?

Y/N: Nahh, too slutty for a concert.

Hana: Girl, you need to get laid again in this life.

Y/N: Legs or ass?

Hana: Damn, let’s have a little meeting about this. It’s important. So we’re going to dinner with some of the guys after the concert. What’s the first thing they will notice when they see you?

Y/N: Boos, of course.

Hana: Yes. But after that? I think they will notice the legs, since you’ll be facing them.

Y/N: Ok, so legs it is.

Hana: Unless……there will be times when we will be walking, turning, moving and stuff. And there will be people behind you, and if you wear tights pants, they’ll die.

Y/N: Come ooon, make up your mind woman!

Hana: Oh, ok. Legs. I think.

So you wore a short skirt that matched you top. Your top had a tiger print, it was just a coincidence, but Hana thought you were wearing it for a certain someone.

You were in the crowd, front seats, excited to see Mingyu and give him funny looks. When the guys came up the stage, the crowd went crazy. You could understand, these boys were breathtakingly handsome and pretty. What’s the deal with this Jeonghan guy, you think. Where does he have this audacity to look so beautiful?

Well your friend Mingyu was beautiful too, you knew that, you were not blind. Everyone knew that. And he had this stupid look on his face the entire soundcheck. He kept looking at where you two were standing. He looked…pretty hot, you have to admit. Even Hana said so.

And when the wind blew over his t shirt and shorts, it kind of…made you feel something. Were you too vacation drunk? You know you get hornier when you travel, so you blamed it on that.

The concert was so fun, you danced, singed, waved at them. Some of them recognized you from the shoots they had at your agency and they waved back. You found it funny to catch Hoshi throw some looks your way, but he was not smiling or anything, just serious looks. What’s wrong with this guy?

You knew it’s going to be a process to get out of the stadium when the concert is over, it was really crowded and you were right next to the stage, so you had to wait a lot for the people in the back to get out. Because of this, you and Hana arrived at the dinner place after the guys got there.

You went to the rooftop to find Mingyu, DK, Wonwoo, Hoshi, Jeonghan, Joshua, Jun and Minghao. You needed a drink, you were too nervous. Your hands were shaking as the guys stood up to shake your hands and introduce themselves once again. They all remembered you, except DK. And of course you knew Wonwoo pretty well.

The whole night you felt eyes on you. You still didn’t shy away to eat like you like to eat and Mingyu always praises you for this, telling you that you eat well. Whatever that means. Some of the guys asked you a bunch of questions, Hoshi was the only one to not engage with you.

Jeonghan even asked if you wore that tiger print top because Hoshi was your bias. Made you blush at the remark but you said you have no bias and that you don’t want to betray your friend Mingyu by having one.

DK: I can be your bias, I’ll deal with Mingoo, don’t worry.

Jeonghan: Yeah, he’s big but he’s not dangerous.

Y/N: Hey guys, don’t be mean with my Mingoo. I know you bully him a lot.

And you pout and put your hand over Mingyu’s hand. He blushes at the touch and he pulls his hand right away, slapping yours in a playful way.

The food was delicious there and you even put a little alcohol in you, some champagne. The guys went a little crazy because it was their last concert there and the net day they would return to Seoul. You saw Hoshi had red cheeks, sign that he was drunk. After ONE glass, guys. ONE glass. But this made him a little friendlier.

It also made him clingy with his members as he kept on kissing their faces. You thought it was cute. You love men that are not afraid of showing affection to their friends. Since you also had a couple of drinks, you felt courageous enough to engage with Hoshi and maybe find out if you did something wrong, so you could fix it.

So you saw him taking some photos of the view and you walked towards him.

Y/N: Hi!

Hoshi: Hi.

Y/N: Can I ask you something?

Hoshi: I guess.

Y/N: Did I do something to you? Because I feel like you hate me or something. And maybe there is a misunderstanding. I don’t know. If I did something, I’m sorry and please let me know so I can fix it.

Hoshi: Why do you treat Mingyu like that?

Y/N: Like what?

Hoshi: Like he’s some fool that you can walk over.

Y/N: What?

He looks right into your eyes, rage inside them. You have no idea where this is coming from and you don’t know where to go from here. You just know there is a misunderstanding between you. You would be fuming right now if it were some guy and you would just walk away, but it’s Mingyu’s friend and you don’t want to start some drama.

Y/N: I assure you, I don’t treat him like that. And I can have this conversation in front of him, right now, if you’d like, so you can see that’s you’re having the wrong idea about me.

Hoshi: Hmm, yeah, I see it. The gaslighting. That’s how you do it.

And he just hisses and leaves you there. You’re dumbfounded, what was that. You’ll need to talk to Mingyu again, he will have to tell you this time. You’ll do that after you all get back to Seoul and he gets some free time in his hectic schedule.

It’s not like you care what people think of you, it doesn’t affect you. But why did Hoshi having a bad opinion about you affected you so much? He wasn’t someone close to you. Tonight, Mingyu, Eunwoo and Hana are coming to your place for dinner. You’ll be cooking for them this time.

You ate, had some shots, played some cards and when it was time for them to leave, you asked Mingyu to stay a little bit longer because you wanted to talk about something.

Mingyu: Ok, what is it?

Y/N: So your friend Hoshi hates me and I think someone told him something about me that was not true. I know you know something that you’re not telling me.

Mingyu: Y/N, there are some things that I can’t just tell you, but why he’s like that to you, I don’t know. All I can say is that me and him had some conversations about you, maybe he misunderstood something I’ve said? It’s possible.

Y/N: You ever told him anything about me and Jungkook?

Mingyu: No, nothing about him. But why do you care so much? Just let him be, not like you’re close.

Y/N: But I want your friends to like me.

Mingyu: Why?

Y/N: Just cuz. What’s it to you?

And you slap his arm hard, making him whine and calling you mean. You invited him to spend the night on your couch, since he had to drink, but he said he has a hot date and how he’s been seeing this new girl for a month. So he left, leaving you wondering even more about the things that he doesn’t tell you.

Spring has come. Your second favorite season. Your favorite is summer, because you’re a lizard that loves the heat. And you like spring because it’s finally getting warmer, the plants are coming back to life, and it’s your birthday season. It’s also Mingyu’s birthday season and he’s planning a party.

The venue is huge and it feels like the invited the whole kpop industry. He’s so popular, you think. Why didn’t you go for him, in stead of Jungkook? Really? Why? Oh, maybe because he’s kind of a…fuckboy?

You try to look like your sexiest self, but not too over the top. You remember what happened  the last time when you looked too sexy. Some guy confessed and you ended up with your heart broken. So no, this time, going easier on the sexiness, thank you.

All night, you tried to stay close to Hana, holding her hand or her dress. You didn’t know who most of those people were. Hana kept dragging you from corner to corner, because she was into a guy from a band, you can’t remember the name. You have trouble remembering names. You bumped into the other Seventeen members and greeted each other. Hoshi didn’t even look at you. Huh, what a douche.

Trying to stay sober tonight, you want to remember it, because so many celebrities were here. You saw some members of TXT, Enhypen, Le Seraffim, The Boyz, Ateez. Mingi was not there and Hana was hearbroken. You felt good close to your 97 gang, still holding Hana’s hand.

Mingyu comes to you guys and hugs all of you, thanking you that you came. He hugs you a little too long. He has a sad look on his face and you ask if something is wrong. He shaked his head, but with a pout and a sad look. You knew it was something. Then DK and Minghao come over to chat.

DK: Hey guy, what’s up? Shall we do some shots?

Mingyu: Yes, and nobody can say no.

You all do 2 rounds of shots. Then you see Minghao coming closer to you.

Minghao: How’s tonight treating you, you having fun at the party?

Y/N: Hmm, so and so. I’m not a social butterfly like Mingyu here, but at least I have my friends.

Minghao: You look gorgeous, I have to say. You have great taste.

DK: Hao, did you just tell her she tastes good? Wtf?

You and Minghao start laughing. DK could be such a clown sometimes. While you were laughing, Minghao was leaning a little towards you, touching your shoulder and Mingyu noticed that and slapped his hand off you. He made it look like it was in a funny way, but you felt that he was protective. But come on, Minghao? He’s the sweetest guy, don’t need protection from him.

The night was a success, even though Mingyu seemed to be really stressed out. But probably because he wanted all to turn out ok.

You were back at home, 3 AM, when your phones rings. It was Mingyu.

Y/N: Mingoo, birthday boy, what’s up?

Mingyu: Can I come up?

Y/N: You’re here?

Mingyu: Yeah.

Y/N: Come up.

Now you were worried. His voice seemed a bit off, different. When he enters your apartment, the first thing he does is to hug you tight and you hear him sobbing.

Y/N: Gyu, what happened?

Mingyu: She was supposed to come tonight but she just ghosted me.

Y/N: Who?

Mingyu: I was seeing a girl, Y/N. She broke up with me one my birthday, with a lousy text.

Y/N: Aww, come here.

You hugged him some more, kissing his head.

Y/N: Come on, let’s sit. You want water, food?

Mingyu: Water, please.

He gulps a whole glass of water and calms down. You had no idea he had a serious gf or that he had feeling for someone. He was always a mystery.

Y/N: Wanna talk about it?

Mingyu: Not right now. Can you cuddle me tonight, please?

He was looking so sweetly into your eyes that you couldn’t say no, it was your time to be there for him and you will do whatever he needs you to do.

You let him take a shower, made him a sandwich. You know he’s a big boy and needs to eat. Made him hot tea to help him sleep and put him into bed. You put a warm blanket over both of you and hold him close to you. Felt his breath on your neck and from time he would make out little cute noises. You could tell he was hurting.

You started stroking his hair slowly, telling him it will be ok and that you’re there for him.

Mingyu: Y/N?

Y/N: Yes, Gyu.

Mingyu: What if we…

Y/N: What

Mingyu: No, nevermind.

Y/N: I hate it when you do that. 

Mingyu: There is something I need to do.

Y/N: Ok, what is it?

Mingyu: Will you say yes?

Y/N: But I don’t know what it is.

Mingyu: Can’t you just…trust me?

Y/N: I do trust you.

Then he lifts his face from your shoulder and he is laying now on his side, facing you. He cups your face with one hand and brings his face close to yours, almost touching. Is he trying to kiss you? If he does, will you let him? He might be just drunk and will regret it tomorrow. And what about you? Do you want this? Thousand thoughts flooding your mind right now. If you’re being honest with yourself, you have thought about him that way.

You have looked at his lips one to many times and wondered how they feel like. Wondered how you’d feel under him, in his strong hands. You blamed it on the horniness and nothing else.

Your heart starts racing and when he puts his lips on your, you let him. You let him kiss you. And you like it, it feel right. But also wrong. But you know what? Get fucked, Jungkook, you deserve this. You deserve I make out with your friend.

He’s being so soft with you, so careful not to break you. Your lips open for his tongue to lick the inside of your mouth. You can feel heat raising inside you and you moan his name into his mouth. That was like a wakeupcall for him, because he stops and pulls away.

Mingyu: I’m sorry, shouldn’t have done that. I’ll go sleep on the couch.

And he leaves you in bed, alone and turned on. You were so turned on that you didn’t try to go after him, because you needed release right then and there. So you took matters into your hands, while thinking about Mingyu and what would he do to you. While you rubbed your clit slow, you imagined he was eating you out, pushing his fat fingers inside your soaked pussy. You could feel wetting the bed, you were that wet. You tried to fuck yourself with your fingers, but after a few minutes, you felt it was not enough. Damn you, Kim Mingyu! You needed him. Wanted him. You needed him to be inside you, fucking into you hard.

You got out of bed, took your clothes off and decided to go to him and just hope he won’t push you away again. If he kissed you, then he wanted this too, but he needed to know now that you wanted it also. So you went into the living room and you laid your naked self under his blanket, next to him.

He didn’t wait, he didn’t say anything, didn’t hesitate. He just took you right then. He felt like fire all over your body. His kisses so passionate, his lips all over your body. Licking your ear, your neck, whispering filthy things into your ears. His hands roaming all over you, squeezing your breasts, licking them with hunger and sucking on them. You started to pull him into you, wrapping your legs over his waist.

His cock felt so hard and big under his pants, rubbing on your naked pussy. You needed him so bad.

Mingyu: God, I’ve been wanting to have you like this since forever.

Y/N: Touch me, Gyu. Please!

Mingyu: I want to taste you so bad, baby. Want to taste your pussy and feel it cumming around my tongue.

Y/N: Fuck! Do whatever you want to me

His mouth traced lower, to your tummy, leaving open mouth kisses, to your hips and finally to your pussy. Licking your folds and feeling how wet you were for him. Teasing your poor clit that needed attention and release so bad.

Mingyu: You’re so wet for me, fuck! You’ll feel so good around my cock, princess

He started to lap at your clit fast, pushing a finger inside you. He felt you were so tight around one finger, he needed to prep you more for his cock. A second finger goes inside and you clench so hard around them.

Mingyu: Right there, baby? Gong to cum on my fingers like this?

Y/N: Yess, don’t stop. Please, Gyu!

And you came so hard that you were seeing stars. You pulled him by the shirt up to your face and tried to get him naked. You wanted to see him naked so bad, to run your hands all over his sculpted body.

Y/N: You feel so good naked, rubbing on me! I need you, Gyu

Mingyu: Tell me how you want me, baby

Y/N: I want you to fuck me hard, want you inside me. Ruin me!

Mingyu puts one hand around your throat, squeezing slow and getting tighter by the minute. Starts to kiss you hungrily. The other hand he used to hold your waist down. Then he begins to push into you and you can’t control your moans.

He thinks you sound so filthy right now and he loves it, wants to make you moan louder. Wants to know he’s making you feel that good.

Y/N: Oh god, Gyu! You feel so good, fuck! You feel so fucking big

Mingyu: You’re taking my cock so good, baby. So tight and wet for me. Wanna make you cum all night

You loved that he was so vocal and so rough but at the same time gentle.

Y/N: I feel so full. Please

Mingyu: You looks so beautiful right now. On my cock, while I split you open

Mingyu: Want me to fuck you dumb, princess? Need me to make you forget about all the other cocks you had?

Y/N: Yesss, fuck!!! I’m coming

He feels you clench around his cock so tight that he can’t stop his own orgasm,  releasing inside you deep and hard

Y/N: Shit! Fill me up, Gyu? Fill this pussy deep

You couldn’t believe what was coming out of your mouth. You felt like such a slut and you loved it. And he didn’t stop, he kept going with the thrusting. And you felt like the orgasms kept of coming. You were lucky that you could have multiple orgasms, sometimes they would not stop for minutes, and you had to take a break.

You kept on fucking for the next hour. You came multiple times and he came two more times inside you. He loved fucking his cum back into you. After this you two stopped and laid next to each other, sweaty and out of breath.

Y/N: Gyu?

Mingyu: You wanna go again?

Y/N: I want to suck you off

Mingyu: Shit, do whatever you want, baby

You went down, tracing wet spots with your tongue all over his body. He was putty under you and moaned so loud when you put his still hard cock in your mouth. You couldn’t take it all, it was too big, long and fat. You’re sure you’ll be sore for days after tonight.

Y/N: Want to cum in my mouth too, baby?

Mingyu: Fuck I want it so bad!

You keep on pumping his cock into your mouth, moving your mouth fast over his length. Moaning into his cock, sending vibrations throughout his whole body.

Mingyu: I’m going crazy here. You’re going to make me cum so hard

And he spills his seed down your throat, pulling your hair, arching his back off the bed and moaning so pretty. He looked fucking gorgeous when he came.

After you both settle down, breathing back to normal, you decide it’s time to clean up and you take a long hot shower. The sheets on the couch are ruined, so you sleep on your bed.

Y/N: Gyu?

Mingyu: Yes, princess

Y/N: What does this mean for us now? Will this ruin our friendship?

Mingyu: I have a confession. I’ve been in love with you since we met and I’ll be damned if I let you get away again. You’re finally mine now, if you want to be mine

Y/N: I do, Gyu, I do want that

You were not sure what you felt for him, but you knew he made you feel safe, he treated you good and made you cum 1000 times. Are you in love? What if his e comes back? He just cried for her a few hours ago, there must be some feelings there. You had so many questions and it was making it hard for you to know how you felt for him. Because he felt like he was surrounded by fog and you needed to fight it and make it go away with great effort. You knew he was a complicated man and you only hoped this will not break you again.

He didn’t let go of you the whole night and you thought you’ll never meet a more clingier man. In return, you showered him with kisses because he was just sweet like that.

[nalyra-dreaming]

Hello :-) I was just wondering if you have overall thoughts now on how you feel about The Drop in series one now we’ve seen all of Louis’ perspective on what happened?

I’ve been mulling it over (and trying to separate it from the fact I find the discourse in fandom about it (Lestat) annoying). I can see why the show runners wanted to do it; it makes the relationship’s toxicity much more clear and Lestat was abusive in the books, just not as clearly as 1x05 lays it out. So I can see why they wanted to give Louis (and especially Claudia) that much more motivation. I did also find Sam’s reasoning - that it’s important to show Lestat’s underlying toxic masculinity more clearly - compelling too. But I also just don’t like that they did that to Lestat. I do think it’s something that changes who he is and what he’s capable of. But maybe I’m just too much a Lestat girl and it is better for the story and it’s actually just laying out some difficult truths about him in a way that’s not comfortable. Obviously he’s a monster, even if in the books he’s a monster that generally tries his best to help and care for those he loves. Where do you land on it?

(I totally understand if you don’t want to open this can of worms, but I’d be interested in the discussion or you pointing me in the direction of your previous thoughts if that’s easier)

Hey!

All good. I have talked about this a few times, so I'll try to... condense where I am at this moment :)

So, re that "toxic masculinity" and the arc they're aiming for... I think it's important to remember here that Akasha does aim for Lestat as her tool because she does see "everything wrong with the males" in him. So that arc makes a lot of sense for them to set up.

Ultimately this is what she misjudges Lestat on though, and why she, why her quest fails - he actually isn't, and he turns against her because he isn't.

I said it before, the abuse is in the (first) book - but not at this level. And not with the added layer of domestic violence, and I think that level will come back to bite the show in the ass again and again (and the fandom is a mess because of it), because what the show showed - and what they let stand for almost two years - is something decidedly different than "two vampires fighting". Which we're supposed to take away from it now. And which is "only" the inside part of that... fight.

The outside has been hinted at in the video with Sam you're referencing now as well, totally apart from the missing blood everywhere which makes the scene unlikely to have happened as shown, there was also the hint re... something else, that Sam caught himself on. I have theorized early on that the outside might be connected to Amel, and I do think that might hold true. Which is no excuse, btw, since Amel uses certain skills and tendencies. We'll see.

So now the drop.

I am not sure if we have seen all, tbh. There were comments about something about the "blood of Akasha" that was cut from that scene, for example. It would certainly makes sense with the tower scene. Also Lestat being so frustrated with Louis and whatever discussion they had up there to drop him? Still doesn't make sense to me, but I guess that's more or less confirmed now. Still reeks like the tower drop parallel to me (that we might get in s3, who knows).

I think there is something quite powerful they could do with the drop vs certain upcoming book canon "flying scenes". I know some fans said that they destroyed that scene with 1x05, but I actually disagree. The level of trust needed would actually only enhance where they are with each other then, but we'll see.

So. After the comments re "toxic masculinity" etc (mostly by Sam) it made click for me.

I think I know why they're doing this, I think I know how they'll spin it. But I don't particularly like it.

Still, it will likely work. In the end.

After a lot of (fandom) pains.

[drconstellation]

The Passion Of Jimbriel

Part 1: The Entry into Soho

The story of events leading up to the crucifixion of Jesus, and the days following, until his ascension to Heaven, are collectively known as the Passion narratives. It comes from the Latin "to suffer," or "to endure."

More than one op has mentioned there are parallels to this in S2, so I thought I would try and find how well the whole narrative was followed. Oh yes, is the short answer, it certainly does! And how! And in places you might be surprised about. I hope this series of metas might answer some of the odd mysteries of "why is that there...? that are still floating around at the moment for you.

I've tried to match the narratives to scenes and incidents in S2 as closely as I can, but I only have sketchy Anglican Christian background, so if you have had a more thorough Catholic upbringing than me and see something I have missed, slip me a message and I'll do my best to edit things.

A word of warning before we start - it's not a linear match-up. I'm planning to run through the traditional sequence of the Passion in order, but will match with the S2 scenes as needed, and those are scattered back and forth in time. It's Catch-22 again - everything thrown up in the air and landing at seeming random places, where ever they seem to fit best for the narrative.

AZIRAPHALE: Ah, you startled me. GABRIEL: Is that good? AZIRAPHALE: I just didn't see you coming.

I actually thought I might start with this little scene, where Jim gives Aziraphale a jump-scare by creeping up next to him silently. Annoyed, Aziraphale tells him to make some noise as he moves about, and Jim trolls him with some creaking noises, before starting to sing.

There were prophecies about the arrival of Jesus, but the ironic thing here is that Aziraphale, someone who has a vast collection of prophecies and is someone you could consider an expert, had no warning of Gabriel's arrival - he just crept up to the door as a nasty surprise!

Starting proper, there were the three temptations while Jesus was fasting in the wilderness.

Making bread out of stones (I've also covered the Eccles Cakes here in the Altar of Eccles Cakes. They have multiple purposes!)

2. Being tempted to jump from a pinnacle of a temple and relying on angels to break his fall.

3. Being tempted to worship Satan in return for ruling all the kingdoms of the world.

This one was actually covered in S1, at Golgotha. I know Crowley mentioned to Aziraphale that he was the one who tempted Jesus, but I wrote a meta about it because I realized most people were missing the joke in the TWO demon names that Aziraphale suggested Crowley had changed his name to, and how that relates to that particular temptation.

The last miracle performed before the Passion was the raising Lazarus from his tomb, four days after he had died.

After Crowley is dragged down to Hell for an interview with Lord Beelzebub and finds out they are being threatened with the Book Of Life for being involved with Gabriel, he rushes back to Aziraphale and says they have to hide them. As they decide they will try a shared minor miracle Jimbriel descends the spiral staircase:

GABRIEL: Hello. Where did you come back from? CROWLEY: Outside. GABRIEL: Outside? Hmm. Is it big? Can I see the outside? CROWLEY: No, no, no, no, no. No, no no. You need to stay here, inside the bookshop. We can look after you in here. Just stay here.

Inside? Inside the tomb? Aziraphale has even 'wrapped' him up for the occasion.

Later, we find out that:

AZIRAPHALE: Jim is in his bedroom upstairs. I told him bookshops are always closed on a Wednesday. As for Inspector Constable, at a guess, they were sent to verify the 25 Lazarii miracle you and I seem to have accidentally performed together the other night. CROWLEY: That's how you lot measure miracles? How many times it could have brought someone back from the dead?

Uh huh. The miracle of Lazarus.

The Entry into Jerusalem

Jesus made his way into Jerusalem by donkey to show that he came in peace, not as conquering king on a horse. Gabriel does the same.

But he walked in, you say, on foot!

Yes, but he walked by the Dirty Donkey pub on his way to bookshop.

Next, was the Cleansing of the Temple.

What temple? The bookshop, of course! Is it not a temple of books?

Aziraphale sets Jim to cleaning it, with a duster.

I'd say you could also call the bookshop a temple to Crowley - it is decorated in his colours, after all. The presence of Jim initially drives the merchants and money dealers demon away, snatching his sunglasses from his mini-altar as his goes.

The last step on the Passion I'll cover in this meta is the Anointing of Jesus. It tells the story of how Jesus had an expensive perfume, worth a year's wages, poured on his feet from an alabaster jar by woman who was considered sinful. The gathered Disciples were aghast at this waste - they asked why she did not sell the perfume instead and give the money to the poor. Jesus thanked her for preparing him for burial.

This one had me stumped for a while, and I had to think hard about where something had been "poured out" on feet, because I was pretty sure no one had been "anointed" on the head, which is another version of this part of the narrative. Then I remembered seeing a GIF that was Aziraphale focusing on the floor for a number of seconds after Crowley had upended the box Gabriel had carried to the bookshop with his fly in it to read the message on the bottom of the box.

My precious...! You poured them out at your feet, Crowley!

Alabaster is a soft white stone that is easy to carve. The bland cardboard box makes a good analogy for this. And in it we see Aziraphale has filled it with priceless treasures - not one but two lost Shakespeare plays!

If at this point you are going "Wait - Wot? Now you're telling me both Jim/Gabriel and Crowley are playing the part of Jesus here?" I'm saying yes. It's not the first time I've said it. I'm not the only op who has been saying it, either. And as we head into part two of this meta you'll see Crowley take on more of this role from Jim/Gabriel. The two of them have a lot in common, much more than you might have suspected or might even want to acknowledge. This is the past echoing into the present again. I think it also gives us some interesting things about the future to contemplate.

Next: Part 2 - Trials and Denials

Where we move on to the Last Supper, and the Arrest of Jesus before his before he is judged before a court of priests and then Pontius Pilate, and the gathered crowd.

This post was inspired by @mr-period 's long meta Remembering Something Forgotten-Where is Jimmy Boy?

More reading on the Dirty Donkey in my meta here.

[rosewaterraindrops]

What is a "Saratoga Split"?

This theory is such a reach that I debated even writing it down at all. But at the very least, it was a fun little history refresher! My theory: the “Saratoga Split” is a reference to the 1777 Battle of Saratoga from the American Revolution, and it’s foreshadowing either the rest of the household having to defend Guillermo against Nandor, or Guillermo choosing to leave Nandor. My reasoning is below. 

The “Saratoga Split” could be seen as a throwaway moment, but there are too many strange things about it that stand out. First of all, I looked up the Saratoga Split and I can’t find a single mention of it anywhere, so I’m not sure it’s even a real hairstyle. Second, Guillermo doesn’t know the answer, so Nandor says the name very slowly and deliberately, twice. Third, Guillermo fully turns away from Nandor here (see screenshot below), so that we can see both of their faces - this is not the most natural thing to do in conversation, and feels intentional. Whenever one of them is fully facing away from the other, some secrets are usually brewing (see: the sound machine scene in ep1 or “I let you live” from the s3 finale).

Nandor’s love of battles and military history has been well-established throughout the show, and was emphasized in the prior episode, S5E7 “Hybrid Creatures”. At the beginning of “The Roast”, Nandor tries to engage with Laszlo by asking him a question about the 1759 Battle of Quiberon Bay, in which the British Royal Navy defeated the French Navy. Fast-forward to the “Saratoga Split” dialogue at the end. It’s said by Nandor, who a) canonically loves battles and b) already mentioned another battle earlier in the episode - a battle that is also from the 1700s and also involves the UK and France. 

Quick refresher on the Battle of Saratoga: it’s widely analyzed by historians as a turning point in the American Revolution, because the American forces managed to defeat the British forces, thereby raising morale and convincing France to form an alliance with them. This French alliance eventually helped them win the war. The American forces were victorious in the Battle of Saratoga partly thanks to the leadership of Benedict Arnold - who was wounded in battle and later switched to the British side because he felt unappreciated. His name literally means “traitor” in America, despite all of his contributions towards the revolutionary effort. 

The word “split” itself invokes division, rupture, separation, abandonment, etc. We know that Guillermo’s decision to be turned by Derek has already created an emotional divide between him and Nandor, whether or not Nandor knows the truth yet. We also know Guillermo is missing in S5E10, implying either a voluntary or involuntary separation, and the title of the episode is “Exit Interview”, implying someone leaving. 

Assuming this “Saratoga Split” reference is intentional, I think it’s a nod from the writers to the viewers, and can be interpreted in two different ways. 

1. It could be drawing a parallel between Guillermo getting the rest of the household on his side and America securing the French alliance. In this case, the “split” might refer to the fact that everyone has taken Guillermo’s side, leaving Nandor alone. The “alliance” between the rest of the vampires and Guillermo might end up being crucial in protecting Guillermo from Nandor’s anger when he finds out the truth about Guillermo's turning.  

2. It could be drawing a parallel between Guillermo and Benedict Arnold. Guillermo served Nandor faithfully for so many years but Nandor still refused to turn him, so he ended up going to Derek, and his actions have been described as a betrayal by multiple characters. Nadja even calls him a “traitor” in S5E5 “Local News” - yes, it’s for a different reason, but fits in with the overall theme. In this case, the “split” would refer to Guillermo possibly choosing to leave Nandor and the household, the way Benedict Arnold left the American forces. 

Anyway, time to pull myself out of this rabbit hole. 

[princess-of-the-corner]

Tried to think of some Miraculous Gaang names! You may want to Google a few of these, fair warning.

Ladybug!Sokka - Captain Harmonia/Harlequin/Beetle

Black Cat!Katara - Painted Jaguar

Turtle!Aang - Lion Turtle, Tortiseshell

Snake!Suki - Pythonic, Tealtime, Naga, Aspen, Tock Viper, Medusa/Stheno/Euryale, Teal Gorgan

Tiger!Toph - The Blind Tiger

Dragon!Zuko - Seiryu 

Fox!Azula - Inari, Kistune, Silver Reynard, Kuma Lisa, Blue Ren (“the tale of Miss Ren”)

Pig!Jin - Babirusa

Bee!Ty Lee - Bumblebee (there is literally a “Dance of the Bumblebee” music score), Honeycomb

Mouse!Mai - Rat Queen (based on the “Rat King” from the Nutcracker Ballet. Kind of as a slide parallel to her canon thing, here, Mai’s parents signed her up for ballet, where she met Ty Lee and Azula.)

Ox!Haru - Oxenfree (all I got right now)

Horse!Teo - got nothing but “Pegasus” which is taken

Rabbit!Yué - Luna Lapine, Luna Angora, Satin Moon, Velvet Moon

Monkey!Kuzon - a bit more explanation here. Mostly, I was trying to fill out the miraculous roster, cause AtLa only has a few “main” characters, I was trying to find some named characters the Gaang is shown being friends with who are roughly their age. I didn’t list Jet or his friends, cause, honestly, what exactly would their story be?? How do they integrate? Like, I’m sure you could do something, I just couldn’t really think of anything at the time. But also, I realized all the friends of the Gaang belong to Katara, Sokka, or Suki, later Zuko - Aang and Toph don’t really have any that are unconnected from them. In Toph’s case, she was raised super sheltered, and never got a chance to meet anyone, while Aang HAD friends, but they’re all mostly dead, except Bumi, because of the 100 years in ice thing. And we already have Bumi here being an old man. The only other friend Aang really mentions is Kuzon, the Fire Nation kid who … I think there’s a short story about the pair of them fighting off poachers? Anyway, I was basically imagining Kuzon as “Le Chien Kim, but Animal Lover and Environmentalist Advocate”. He would have grown up next door to Aang and Gyatso, and that’s how the pair are friends. As for names … I want to say Tarzan or Mowgli, but I feel like, even in universe, those would get him visits from lawyers.

Now, briefly into ships - this is just me spitballing my random headcanons, PLEASE TO ALL READING THIS, WE ARE HAVING FUN, LET’S NOT BRING THE ATLA SHIPWARS HERE! THIS IS JUST ME SPITBALLING! THEY CAN ALL BE CHANGED!

so, Katara/Aang. Aang I see as non-binary - they don’t mind which pronouns you use, but mostly uses he/they when referring to himself. Katara believes she is straight, but is actually bi with a bigger attraction to males.

Sokka is poly-pansexual. His relationships start with Sokka/Yue, until Yué realizes she’s actually AroAce, and they break up. Then later Sokka/Suki, which morphs into Zuko/Sokka & Sokka/Suki, which changes to Zuko/Sokka/Suki. Suki’s bi, while Zuko is … Zuko (demi-pan, but never has the words for it till WAY later).

Toph is Aro, or at least grayromantic, as is Teo. Teo I also see as trans, but that might just be me.

Mai/Ty Lee eventually becomes Mai/Ty Lee/Azula. (Sexuality uncertain, but my cousin does call them the “Deadly Lesbians”.) There’s a brief Mai/Zuko, but only to get Mai’s parents to back off and leave her alone.

Haru is our only totally straight guy, congrats man, you are our cishet+!

Thoughts, Feelings, Opinions, New/Different Ideas?

(Also, side note. We still have Cabbage man, right?)

-

OH SO

Loving the names! I think I’m gonna make a masterpost of the names here once I finalize them.

Totally get the thing on Kuzon. Like yeah I’m trying to think of other characters to fill out the Hero team and other than Jet’s group there aren’t a lot. There’s a reason I dragged Jin into this(other than the fact that I love her)

And yeah I’ve been turning Jet and co over in my head trying to think of what they’d be and I can’t think of anything for them because there’s so many changes to the base setup.

AS FOR SHIPS

I have my ships I like and while I do take suggestions it’s my au and I get the nonsense!

Obvs the Aang/Katara stays.

I see the Zuko/Sokka/Suki and raise you adding Jin in there.

Swinging to Yue: I always have mixed feelings in some AUs because I love her and Sokka in Canon but most AUs they never really work out. And in this one idk why they wouldn’t exactly? Like nothing gets in the way. Maybe if I write Sokka starting the Suki relationship first and then while they’re poly they’re not at a ‘hey how do you think about another person?’ discussion stage when they meet Yue? And then by the time they are at that stage either they’ve moved on or Yue has her own partner?

That said. Yue/Azula. Any time I have the chance for them I take it. Like the equal opposite you see my vision.

I also have this weird soft spot for Toph/Ty Lee. Probably has something to do with that post of ‘Ty Lee teaches Toph to walk on her hands’ thing because as funny as that post is these two are menaces it’s great, the amount of trust involved in it!

Haru is def our token straight though.

My one original thought:

So like. The Gaang has a range of ages. And in atla that’s fine due to the circumstances. But here it’s kind of a question of ‘how do they all meet/become friends/etc if they never really meet’? so I’m gonna make shit up to squish them into the same grade in school. 

Aang and Toph skipped a grade. Homeschooling put them a bit ahead of their peers in public school so they just got placed ahead.

On the flipside, Zuko got held back a grade due to the whole ‘being kicked out and horrifically scarred’ thing. Like between the mental and physical care he’d need he missed a lot of class that year so just. Repeat the year.

[blooming-violets]

[tasm!peter x nameless she/her character] 

Summary: Unrequited love, heartbreak, and fear of the unknown. Every relationship can be seen through two different sets of eyes. Peter has his own memories of his best friend, his own story to share, and his own mistakes to make. (10K words) 

[The parallel fic to Dancing On My Own, please read that one first as this  heavily weaves through the original story, some parts towards the end might not make complete sense without it]

Warnings: Gwen’s death is a key part of Peter’s later personality, angst, depression, losing of one’s sense of self, mild PTSD flashbacks, guilt and self hatred, familial physical and verbal abuse of a minor, descriptions of potentially disturbing rough sex scenes bordering on the line between abuse and consent at the hands of Peter, brief murderous intent of a woman during sex 

[Dancing On My Own Spotify Playlist]

Second Grade: Over the Bar 

There was something so enticing about the way she would throw her head back on the swings. Her hair would flow out behind her and catch in the wind. She would lean her entire body back with her legs out straight. Her eyes would close and her face would relax into a blissful serenity. She was flying. He knew that’s what she imagined inside her mind whenever she got on the swings. Flying away from everything that shackled her to the real world. Once she told him that when she got high enough, she was going to let go, and soar all the way to Norway to visit the trolls that lived there. He wasn’t sure if trolls were real or imaginary but she believed in them so that meant Peter did too. She always loved her fantasy stories and he never got tired of listening to her talk about them.

Peter was afraid of her flying off without him. He didn’t want her to leave him behind so he climbed onto the adjacent swing. He backed up and tried to match his swinging pace with hers. He longed to be right by her side as she flew but, every time, they’d fall out of sync with each other. Peter could never keep up. She was too fast. Already higher than he was.

“Do you think I can swing around the bar?” She asked him. Her eyes opened and she gave him a lopsided smile every time their swings passed each other. Her two front teeth were missing. He thought it was funny because they hadn’t even been wiggly the day before they fell out. She told him that the tooth fairy stole them straight out of her mouth in the middle of the night. He didn’t think that was very fair. He always had to be stuck with an annoying, wiggly tooth for days before it came out. Hers got to come out by magic overnight. Apparently teeth coming out by magic also made her top lip get all swollen and bruised. It looked like it might hurt but she never complained. 

Peter nodded his head, admiring her toothless smile, “Of course! You can do anything.” It was true. He really believed she could do anything she wanted. He held her in such high regards. His best friend. His only friend. 

“Okay! Let’s try it.”

They both pumped their legs a little harder and moved their bodies in motion with the swings to get up as high as they could. Peter could feel the flurry of nerves in his stomach the higher he got. The slack in the chain would loosen at a certain height and gravity would pull him back down again. His knuckles were white with the death grip he had on the chains, so afraid that if he let go he’d fall and hurt himself. Meanwhile, she continued to toss her head back and laugh with a wild abandon. This is where she felt the most free and this was where he fell in love. 

She never made it over the bar.

Fourth Grade: The Broken Princess 

It had been a week since she was in school. Peter missed her. He’d wander aimlessly around the playground at recess, kicking stones, and making up conversations in his head that he’d have with her. Sometimes he’d forget they were supposed to stay in his head and he’d find himself talking out loud to no one. The other kids would mock him whenever they caught him mouthing the words to an imaginary conversation. Nerdy Peter Parker and his girlfriend were always the butt of their jokes. They sneered at the word “girlfriend” as if that was a bad thing. He’d have to control his anger when he heard them laughing. It was okay if they were laughing at him but he hated when they made fun of her. He had promised Aunt May and Uncle Ben that he wouldn’t get into any more fights. It was becoming a hard promise to keep. 

She was notorious for being absent from school but she’d never been out this long. He wondered what kind of sickness she had. She must be dying. That was the only explanation he could think of. She would die just like his parents had and he’d be all alone again. He decided that after school, he was going to go to her house to check. He’d never been inside her apartment building. She’d always come to play at his if they hung out. Uncle Ben had dropped her off at home before so Peter knew where it was. It shouldn’t be too hard to get there. He’d have to learn how to use the subway by himself eventually. This afternoon would be as good a time as any. He’d done it with Ben hundreds of times, he could figure it out on his own. 

By the time school was over, Peter had already rushed through his homework and burst through his front door, tossing his bag on the ground and shouting for May. 

She poked her head out of the kitchen and gave him a warm smile, “How was school?”

“I already did my homework!” He was out of breath from running all the way home. “Can I go out to play? I want to go to the skate park.” That was a lie. He didn’t like lying but sometimes it was necessary. 

May gave a little shrug and nodded, “I don’t see why not. I trust that you actually finished all your homework and aren’t lying to me?”

He eagerly nodded.

She gave him a doubtful look but let it slide, “Be home by 6, that’s when your uncle gets off work. We’re having meatball subs for dinner.” 

“Thank you! Love you! Bye!” He sprinted towards the front door.

“Peter!” She called after him. 

He skidded to a stop and poked his head back around the corner into the kitchen, “What?” 

May pointed her finger to his brand new skateboard sitting propped up against the living room couch, “Aren’t you forgetting something important for the skate park?” 

His face flushed crimson, already having forgotten his cover story, “Oh ya. Can’t do much without that.” 

“And bring a helmet, for heaven's sake. If I catch you riding that death trap without one, you will be in big trouble!”

-

Peter stood in front of her old, rundown apartment building. Her neighborhood scared him. It felt different when he was walking alone instead of sitting in the back of Uncle Ben’s car. He had kept his head down, the helmet dangling from his arm, and clutched his skateboard close to his chest. He was terrified of someone trying to steal it from him. The second he stepped out of the subway, he started to regret coming here. If Ben found out he lied to May about where he was going, Peter would be grounded for the rest of his life. Worse than that, he would have disappointed them. He never wanted to disappoint anyone. 

The front door to the building was propped open with a cinder block so he didn’t have to ring her unit to get inside. There was a hole shattered through the glass that resembled too similarly to a bullet hole for his liking. Peter shivered at the thought of his friend living here. This was not the fairy tale castle she liked to pretend she lived in. 

Peter quietly entered inside, his heart beating faster, like he was stepping into someplace he wasn’t allowed. The yellowed wallpaper was peeling off the walls and there were dark stains over the carpet. He didn’t want to inspect those too closely in case they were old blood stains. The air smelled thick with mildew. First floor, apartment 1F, he repeated in his head. Her wooden door was cracked with splinters. It looked like it had been painted a shade of a deep red once but was now faded and scuffed. He gave a quick knock, hoping it would be her who answered. 

It took a few moments before a man opened the door. He towered over Peter, taking up most of the door frame. He had a large, hairy pot belly that stuck out from under his wife beater shirt and a scraggly brown beard peppered with grays. Peter scrunched up his nose at the smell that hit him. He smelled heavily of cigarettes, sweat, and alcohol. The scent was so strong it was making his eyes water. He was fairly certain this must be her father. He couldn’t remember if she ever told him her dad’s name. 

“What do you want?” He spoke in a gruff, tired voice. 

Peter straightened up and smiled at him to cover his anxious fear, “Hi, I’m Peter. Can I come in to see your daughter? I’m her best friend. She hasn’t been at school for a while so I thought I could give her some homework that she missed.” The lie fell out of his mouth without thinking. He had nothing else on him besides his skateboard and helmet. It was obvious he wasn’t carrying any extra homework with him. 

Her father snorted, letting out a loud cough without covering his mouth. Specs of foul smelling spit showered down over Peter. He did his best not to flinch or grimace.

“Hell no. She knows she’s not allowed to hang out with boys. Don’t want her getting knocked up early like her momma. She don’t need no homework, anyway. She’s too dumb for that shit. What’s the point of even sendin’ her to school, ya know? Waste of damn time. Git outta ‘ere kid and don’t fucking come back.”

From under the man’s right arm, Peter saw her peek her head around the hallway to see who was at the door. Her eyes lit up when she saw him. On her arm was a large, bent, white cast that went from her wrist all the way up to her shoulder. He couldn’t help but smile at the sight of her. She was alive. She wasn’t dead. Relief flooded through his chest. 

Her father must have seen his attention diverted and he glanced behind him, letting out a booming yell, making them both jump, “Get back to your room! I didn’t say you could come out! When are you goin’ to learn to fuckin’ listen, you dumb bitch?” 

She ducked back into the hallway, out of sight, and the door was immediately slammed shut in Peter’s face. He stared at the cracking paint as a long breath of air exhaled through his lips. He hadn’t realized he had been holding his breath the entire time. Something about her dad made his palms feel clammy and his stomach feel sick. He immediately hated that man. All it took was a fifty second conversation for Peter to make up his mind. That man wasn’t anything like Uncle Ben or the vague memories of his own father. That was a bad man. No one had to tell him, he could feel it. A very bad man. 

He wanted to run home and cry to his uncle. He wanted to tell him about how this man spoke to his friend. He wanted to tell him that he was hurting her. He wanted Ben to know so he could fix it. 

But then he would know that Peter lied to May. He would be in trouble. 

What if Uncle Ben came to this house? What if he met her father? What would her father do to him? What if he hurt him like he hurt her? What if he killed him? He didn’t want Ben to die. 

His stomach ached. 

She liked to make up stories about the big, bad giant that would keep the princess hostage in his tower. He would lock her up and throw away the key. Sometimes the giant would hurt the princess whenever he was angry. Peter would always play as the knight who came and rescued her. He would save the princess from any giant that wanted to take her away. This afternoon, as he stood staring at her closed door, the skateboard clutched in his hands turned into a sword. He would bash down the door, stab the giant through the heart, and steal his princess back to safety. In his mind, he was the hero who saved her. In reality, he swallowed the lump in his throat, a heavy pit settling in his stomach, and he shuffled back out the door without another word about what he witnessed. 

He was starting to think that maybe her stories weren’t all make believe after all.

Sixth Grade: Star Gazing

“That’s the Big Dipper right there!” She pointed up above them.

They were sitting in his driveway on the hood of Uncle Ben's mustard colored Oldsmobile and reclining back against his bug splattered windshield. Night had fallen around them and a handful of dull stars blossomed up to speckle the navy blue sky. 

“Or maybe it’s the Little Dipper. I can never remember which one is which.” 

Peter didn’t think there were actually enough stars visible to be able to point out a constellation but he didn’t dare correct her. For all he knew, her vision was far superior to his. Besides, he liked to hear her talk. She doesn't talk very much these days. He missed the sound of her voice. 

“The Big Dipper isn’t even the full constellation,” she went on to tell him. “It’s actually part of Ursa Major, which is a big bear.” 

He noticed her interest in the stars had peeked this year. He wondered if it had anything to do with her desire to fly away. When she looked up in the night sky, did she wish to find a new home hidden amongst the stars? 

Peter wanted to please her. He wanted to make her happy. 

“I have an idea,” he whispered with enthusiasm, hoping she would appreciate it. “Let’s each pick a star and name it after ourselves. We can make our own constellations out of it.” 

He heard her give a quick inhale. It was the most excitement she would allow herself to show but he knew it meant that she loved his idea. Pride swelled in his chest. 

“I choose that one,” she pointed, without hesitation, up to a pin prick of light hovering above a tree branch. There weren’t many stars to choose from but it didn’t matter. She found the one she wanted. “That’s my star. It’s the tip of the nose to a dragon. Big and strong. She blows fire out of her mouth at anyone who tries to mess with her. She’s not afraid of anything or anyone.” 

Peter had the sudden itch to reach over and hold her hand. The tip of his pinky finger brushed up next to hers, subtle enough to seem like an accident, but he knew the truth. When she didn’t pull away, he kept his hand resting there.

“I’ll pick that one,” he gestured to a random, faint star near the one she chose, with the hand not begging to be held. “It will make a castle constellation. Big enough for the dragon to come inside whenever she needs to rest. Maybe it can be her home. That way me and you can live together in the stars forever.” 

From the corner of his eye, he saw her smile. 

“I like that idea.”

Seventh Grade: Cotton Candy Crushes 

“Hurry up!” Peter yelled over his shoulder as she trailed behind him. 

Her thirteenth birthday was supposed to be special. She was finally a teenager and leaving childhood behind. At least, that’s what Uncle Ben told him a month before on Peter’s own thirteenth birthday. It was supposed to be special because it meant they were finally growing up. He didn’t feel very grown up but he liked to pretend. Part of pretending to be a responsible teenager was planning her entire party for her. He knew if he didn’t do it then she wouldn’t get one. Both his aunt and uncle were in attendance as he led the three stragglers down the pier straight towards Coney Island. It was a small group to celebrate but he knew she wouldn’t want anyone else beside them there. His family was her family and everyone wanted to celebrate her. They didn’t have any other friends anyway. 

“We’re coming, Peter! Not everyone has the same amount of energy as you. Some of us are getting old,” Ben chuckled, his arm wrapped around May’s shoulders, as they brought up the rear. 

Peter slowed his pace only long enough to allow her to catch up and then kept in stride beside her. She had a growth spurt earlier this year. Now she was about a head taller than he was. It made him nervous because he was afraid she wouldn’t like him anymore if he stayed short. Despite his aunt’s assurance that girls often started puberty faster than boys, he was certain he was destined to stay at this height forever. 

He also took notice that she started growing in other places. He tried his best not to stare at her chest when they were together but sometimes he couldn’t help it. It was like he would go into a trance and not be able to pull his eyes away. Even with a face full of acne, she was the most beautiful girl he ever saw. 

She glanced down at him and stuffed her hands deeper into her sweatshirt sleeves. Her shoulders hunched in embarrassment. 

“What? Is there something on my face?” She quickly rubbed her hand over her mouth as if she was worried she missed some leftover tooth paste. 

Peter’s ears turned red, “No! You look great! I mean…you look fine…not fine but you look…normal…like you normally do…which is good…” 

She grabbed her hood and flopped it over her head, pulling the strings tight to encase her face, clearly embarrassed, “Stop looking at me then. I didn’t say you could look at me.” 

He immediately turned his eyes straight ahead, “Sorry. I wasn’t looking. Well, I was, but I don’t know why.” He quickly changed the subject, dragging Ben into the awkward conversation as an attempt to save himself from drowning any further. “Are you going to go on any rides, Uncle Ben?” 

He smiled, “I think I might convince your aunt to get on the carousel with me. We can pretend we’re kids again.” 

May shook her head, “I don’t know about that. I don’t think I can spin like I used to.” 

“It goes so slow though. You’ll be fine,” Peter chimed in. As he spoke, he kept his friend locked in the side of his gaze. Her shoulders had relaxed once more and the sides of her lips twitched into a tiny smile. He let out a soft sigh of relief for navigating them out of whatever weird, uncomfortable banter they had fallen to. He felt like that was happening a lot more lately. 

“Let’s go on the swings first!” It was the real reason he wanted to bring her here. Her childhood days of losing herself on the swingset were behind them but he knew she would appreciate that feeling of flying once more. He had this vision of her tilting her head back, hair flying in the gust of the wind behind her, as she closed her eyes and let her mind fly free. Peter wanted to give her every bit of comfort he could, especially today. It was her birthday and she deserved to get lost in it. 

Swings, carousels, tilt-a-whirl, wooden coasters, overpriced carnival games, junk food, and many laughs. 

His heart even nearly gave out when she reached for his hand during the drop of the coaster. Her palms were sweaty and she fit so nicely locked in his grasp. He wanted to protect her. Wrap an arm around her. Keep her forever. Tell her how much he adored her. He held on tightly to her hand until she took notice and quickly pulled back, placing them on the bar instead. 

Now, as they sat with their shoes off and feet buried in the sand next to the pier, watching the sunset, Peter passed her his stick of pink, fluffy cotton candy. She plucked off a piece and stuffed it in her mouth, giggling at how it stuck to her lips. 

He loved her. He didn’t care if he was too young to understand what love meant. He loved her. 

When she took her eyes off the sunset to stare back at him, instead of becoming flustered like earlier in the day, she only smiled back. Pink coated, sugary lips as sweet as her. 

He wanted to kiss her. 

But the fear of rejection was too strong. 

He stuck out his tongue to tease her and snatched back his cotton candy, the moment lost to time.

High School - Sophomore Year: Not Today

Gwen Stacey. 

The girl of his dreams. 

She was beautiful, intelligent, kind and quick witted. Her 70’s chic style of clothing was unlike anyone else in the school. She didn’t care what others thought of her. She was strong and confident. She was perfect. That’s how he would describe her to anyone who asked. Perfection. 

“You’re staring again, dumbass.” 

The familiar snarky tone broke through his daydreams. 

He pulled his sights away from the golden haired beauty sitting across the lunch room and turned them onto a different one instead. 

Then there was her. 

She wasn’t perfect. Far from it. She was broken. Sullen. Quiet. She never spoke to anyone else besides him. Never even tried to make other friends. But she was just as intelligent as Gwen. Smart but sad. He noticed that more and more. As the years went on, she lost more of the spark in her eyes. She retreated further into herself. Away from him. Away from everyone. 

He sensed jealousy in her tone whenever he talked about his crush on Gwen. She was afraid to lose him. Afraid that he would leave her behind on her own. Without him, she would have no one. He knew that. 

Peter forced a tired smile, lying, “I wasn’t staring.” 

He used to stare at her that way when they were younger. Funny how time works. He didn’t see her like that anymore. Not really. Her personality shift since entering high school helped push his sights onto someone new. He missed who used to be before she walled herself in and blocked him out. 

“Whatever you say, fuckin’ lover boy,” she rolled her eyes, giving him a scowl. She felt meaner than usual today. Irritated. On edge.

He wondered if something had happened. He had stopped asking about her home life years ago. It was a lost cause. He knew she was getting bullied at school, probably at home too. There were a myriad of reasons for her bad attitude. 

He chose not to dig deeper. 

She needed an outlet but he didn’t want to give her one. Not today. He was feeling meaner than usual, too. 

Peter turned his gaze back to Gwen. 

She was easier to look at. Softer. Happier. When he saw her, he didn’t have to see the years worth of baggage dragging behind her. There was just her and nothing else but his fantasies. 

Perfection.

High School - Junior Year: Spider Bite

His body hurt. 

Fire. He felt like liquid lava raged through his veins. His skin was clammy. Sweaty. His lungs constricted in agony with each breath. He could hear everything. Feel everything. Every hair was standing at attention. Every alarm in his head set off at once, alerting himself to dangers he couldn’t even see. Dangers he didn’t think were actually even there. Like having a panic attack for no apparent reason. 

His body was eating him alive and, yet, he never felt stronger in his life. 

The door to his bathroom lay propped up against his wall after he had accidentally ripped it from the hinges. 

He sat perfectly still on his bed. Terrified to move. 

There was a fluttering sound. Tiny, soft wings against a glass panel. Each smack of the wings reverberated like church bells inside his skull. A moth was stuck inside his room, trying to get out, trying to escape. He could hear it from his place on the bed. He could hear the flap of a moth’s wings. That was not normal. 

Something was wrong. 

He was sick. 

He needed…a doctor…a scientist…an arachnologist…

His best friend. He needed his best friend. 

Peter grabbed his jacket, getting it stuck to his fingers - why was everything so sticky? - as he tried to pry it from his grasp and onto his body instead. 

He hadn’t been inside her apartment building since he was a kid. She never invited him. Sometimes he would walk her home but he stayed on the street corner until he saw her disappear inside. She moved apartments a few times but still remained inside the same building. He couldn’t remember which one she was in now. He knew she was back on the first floor though. That would be enough. Something told him that he would be able to find her regardless of his lack of knowledge. 

Every sound of passing cars felt like his ear drums were being shattered. He could hear muffled conversations from people too far away. He could feel every drop of humidity on his skin. The putrid stench of garbage left on the street clawed up his nostrils. The smells, the sounds, the heat boiling inside his body was too much. Hot tears pricked at his eyes. He didn’t understand what was happening to him. The world was closing in. He couldn’t breathe. His throat constricted. His vision blurred. He was floating away. Getting lost in the overwhelming sensations of the city. 

Then he smelled it. 

Her body lotion. 

The faint smell of coconut as she applied it to her skin. 

From an entire block away. 

Peter picked up the pace until he was nearly sprinting towards the smell. He didn’t need to know which apartment was hers. It didn’t matter. He could hear her inside. Her steady heart beat. Her soft breaths. He’d never felt her so viscerally before. It felt like she was merging with his every cell. Drawing him closer. Calling him to her. 

His safety. Everything would be okay once he was with her. Everything would make sense again. She would know what to do. She always did. 

The tears streamed freely down his face as he turned the corner, down the alley, to the back of her building. She was three windows in. Metal bars fixed over every window on the first floor. Her own little prison cell. He could smell the thick odor of rust as he grabbed the bars in his fist, ripping them straight from her window with little effort. He heard her gasp. No screams. Just a shocked inhale. She never screamed. Never showed her fear. She kept it bottled up inside the safety of her chest. 

The rapid quiver of her beating heart slowed when she saw his face appear through the grimy glass. Her eyes were wide with shock. Confusion. He didn’t care. Peter pushed the window open. It had probably never been opened in its life, painted over countless times, but he forced it to bend to his will. He crawled through. Head first. Tumbled onto the floor in a heap. 

And then she was there. 

He was lying at her feet. Curled up tight. Tears spilling down his flushed cheeks. Jittery uncertainty behind fearful, honey colored eyes. He didn’t understand what was happening to him. A scared, little boy seeking the comfort of a life long friend. 

She fell to her knees in front of him, ignoring the fact that he had just ripped metal bars from the bricks, and gathered him to her chest like a mother protecting her young. She didn’t need to know what was wrong. She didn’t need an explanation. All she knew was that he needed her. She held him tightly, there on the floor, under her broken window. 

He relaxed into the safety of her grasp. Ragged, husky sobs shaking his body. It would be okay. Everything would be okay now. They could figure this out. Whatever this was. Together. 

Even as he thought it, she whispered the words to reassure him. To make sure he knew.

“It’s okay, Pete. I’ve got you. You’re safe. You’re okay. I have you.”

A Week Before She Left: Nothing but Death

Gwen Stacy was dead. 

George Stacy was dead. 

Uncle Ben was dead. 

He couldn’t save anyone. There was nothing. Nothing but grief. Nothing but hate. His heart had turned cold. Empty. Shriveled. 

He looked down at the letter clutched in his hands. May had taken it from her as an act of courtesy and slid it under his bedroom door. 

Pete, 

You can find me at the Empire State Uni off campus apartment housing. Building 5. Room 212. I’ve got two roommates but I have my own bedroom. 

My window will always be unlocked for you if you ever need me.

Come find me when you’re ready.

Love,

Your Fire Breathing Dragon

She kept knocking at his front door. Day after day. Kept trying to come inside. Kept trying to get him. He wouldn’t let her. Couldn’t. He refused to let anyone else die. 

He was no knight in shining armor riding into an imaginary battle with his dragon. He wasn’t someone who could save her. He wasn’t her friend. Not anymore. The boy she knew was gone. 

He was a murderer. A killer. 

He wouldn’t kill her. The best thing for her was for him to disappear. Erase himself from her life. Fade away in the darkness where he belonged. 

He crumbled the letter in his fist, letting it fall to the floor by his feet, along with the shredded dreams of his future.

Eight Months Since She Left: A Decaying Corpse 

How many slutty blondes could Peter Parker fuck in a single week? 

Eleven. That was his current score. Last night he had two at once. He buried his face between one’s thighs while the other sucked him off. No one tasted as good as Gwen. No one looked as beautiful naked. No one could ever come close. 

Except for maybe one. 

Peter pushed that thought out of his brain as quickly as it entered. She was gone. They both were. She died along with Gwen. That’s how he tried to frame it in his head. Somehow it was easier to accept. If he killed her off in his heart then he wouldn’t be tempted to find her. He couldn’t follow the dead. 

No matter how badly he tried. 

These women he surrounded himself with were nothing but a distraction. Half the time he couldn’t even finish. He could fuck them until they couldn’t stand but rarely found his own satisfaction in it. That was how he liked it. The more rough they let him be, the better. A sadistic side to him had formed these past few months. Part of him wanted to hurt them. Truly hurt them. They meant nothing to him. He liked to see how far he could push them, how hard he could slap them, how loud he could make them shriek before it became too much for them to handle. He wanted to push them past the limits they thought they had to show them how much they could really take. A test of their strength, of their will to live, how far they could go before tapping out. 

Once he choked a woman so tightly, he almost couldn’t stop. For a moment he wanted to feel his fingernails break through the barrier of her delicate skin and sink into the viscera of her insides. He wanted to tear her vocal chords from her neck. He wanted to feel her blood soaking into his skin. He wanted to kill her. She didn’t deserve to live. Why did she get to live while Gwen had to die? What did she do to deserve this life? 

It had taken everything in him to pull back. Before she could even fully catch her breath again, he was gone. Naked. Lost into the night. Didn’t even stop to grab his clothes. 

He didn’t know the person he had become. 

He wasn’t eating. Wasn’t sleeping. 

He had killed more bad guys this month than the month before. His body count was rapidly rising. It didn't matter what they did. Rapists, killers, and bank robbers were all the same in his eyes. No crime was less than the one before. They all got the finality of death. He didn’t care. The friendly neighborhood Spider-Man no longer existed. He died along with the old Peter. If the police thought he was a menace before, he was now actively wanted. A warrant was out for the arrest of the Spider-Man. Had been for some time. They would never catch him, of course. He’d snatch their life from them before he let anyone take him in. It wouldn’t be the first time he had a cop’s blood on his hands. 

A vigilante turned villain. 

A decaying corpse of the man he once was.

Nine Months Since She Left: We’re All Dead

“Where the hell have you been?” 

May sat in the dark at the kitchen table. It was 3am. She was still awake. She usually never waited up for him anymore. He thought she had stopped asking questions months ago. 

Peter stood in loose fitting, dirty clothes. Fresh blood dripped down his chin from his split open lip. His right eye was starting to swell shut. He refused to look at her as he gave a half-hearted shrug. 

“Out.” 

“Out? It is three in the goddamn morning, Peter!” Her voice was shrill. She was masking her fear for him with anger. “This is the fifth time this week you have disappeared like this. Do you understand how worried I get? You come crawling home every night covered in more bruises than I keep track of. Where are you going? What are you doing? Who is doing this to you?” 

He swallowed. His throat felt dry. He wished he could feel the familiar pang of guilt he used to feel whenever he would upset May. Instead, he felt nothing because there was nothing. He was nothing. A corpse. 

“I said I was out. I’m not a child anymore. You don’t need to wait up. I can take care of myself.” 

He pushed past her towards the stairs, making the climb to his bedroom. She followed closely behind him. 

“You think you can take care of yourself? Look at you, Peter! You are wasting away into nothing! I can’t find you behind your eyes anymore. It’s like there is nothing left inside of you. You need help. Let me help you, please. I can’t keep sitting around watching you slowly kill yourself. I can’t lose you, too. You are my boy and I refuse to let you continue down this path.” 

An angry beast raged inside his chest as he stopped dead in his tracks and spun around to growl in her face, “I am not your boy! I am not your son! My parents are dead with the rest of everyone else I ever gave a shit about! Ben is dead. Gwen is dead. You’re dead.” His eyes fell to an old picture of his friend hanging on his bedroom wall. They were kids. Smiling with arms wrapped each other’s necks. “She’s dead. I’m dead. Everyone is dead, May. Don’t you understand? Everyone is dead and there’s nothing left. I have no one! I am nothing. I don’t exist.” His bottom lip quivered but no tears formed. He had lost the ability to cry long ago. 

Her face broke in anguish, “Oh, honey.” Her voice was nothing more than a hushed whisper. “Oh, Peter.” She tried to wrap him up in an embrace but he pulled back. 

He shook his head, looking at her through pained, dead eyes, “I think it would be best if I moved out.” 

He closed the door in her face before she could reply.

-

“Peter?” 

He didn’t remember coming here. 

After his run in with May, he had started emptying out his drawers. He hadn’t known what he was looking for. Probably nothing. He just needed to be doing something. Anything. He had thrown his dresser drawers open and flung out his clothes. They lay scattered at his feet. Papers from his desk slowly fluttered back to the ground as he tossed them over his shoulder. A tantrum. That’s what he was reduced to. A tantrum where he needed to destroy everything he touched. 

And then her crumbled letter was somehow in his hand. His last contact with her. He didn’t even know he had kept it. 

You can find me at the Empire State Uni off campus apartment housing. Building 5. Room 212. 

His safety. His best friend. He had abandoned her. She wasn’t dead, just forgotten. He had killed her in his mind to make the separation easier. He was protecting her. He was keeping her safe. He didn’t want her to die. He couldn’t lose her. He couldn’t bury another person he loved. 

My window will always be unlocked for you if you ever need me.

“Peter?”

He blinked, his mask was on. He was in his Spider suit. He didn’t remember putting it on. He didn’t remember how he got here.

Come find me when you’re ready.

He reached up to pull the mask from his head. His eyes bore into her. He wasn’t sure if she was real or not. He couldn’t feel her living inside his senses like he used. They had become so dull since Gwen died.

“What are you doing here?” She looked nervous like she was encountering a ghost. 

Maybe she was.

His voice felt like a distant echo in his ears as he spoke, “I didn’t know where else to go.”

Summer: Why? 

Her roommates hated him. 

He could hear them constantly bitching about his presence through the walls. He was a dark cloud of depression hanging over their apartment. 

It only got worse after he fucked them. Not at the same time. Separate occasions. He thought it might shut them up for a bit but, once they found out he was sleeping with them both, all hell broke loose. 

They were screaming at each in the next room. 

Somehow she had gotten involved in the mess, too. He hadn’t intended for that but there was no stopping it now. They were yelling at her for letting him live here without paying rent. He didn’t even go to their school. They felt betrayed and used and they weren’t wrong. A man whore. That’s what they were currently calling him. 

A malicious smile grew across his lips as he laid in her bed, staring up at the ceiling. He liked the chaos that he caused. He wanted her roommates gone. Peter knew exactly what he was doing. He wanted her for himself. All they did was complain anyway. They never liked her. They made fun of her behind her back. They didn’t like her anymore than they liked him. 

Once they were gone it would all be okay again. 

They could go back to how things used to be. Just the two of them against the world. Two kids, with no other friends, clinging to each other as tight as they could. 

Her bedroom door opened. Her eyes were puffy. She was trying not to cry. For the first time in a long time, he felt the sharp slashing of guilt slice through his heart. An overwhelming sadness washed over him. It had been so long since he felt anything besides anger or bitterness. His jaw clenched as he sat up, mulling over the new emotions bubbling under his skin.   

“Why did you do that? Why are you doing this?” She asked weakly. 

Why am I taking advantage of your kindness by having you house me for free? Why am I letting you take care of me without giving you anything in return? Why am I sleeping with your roommates? Why am I sleeping with them instead of you? Why am I torturing you like this?

“I…I don’t know,” he replied. 

He knew how she felt about him. He could see it in her eyes. He knew that look. He’d seen it in Gwen’s eyes once upon a time. She loved him. More than a friend. More than family. 

Maybe she always had. 

He’d always loved her. Even when he loved Gwen. 

He couldn’t love her though. Not like she deserved. That part of him was gone. 

She sighed and wiped the tears from her eyes, a steady resolve settling over her, “They’re pulling out of our student housing next semester. I’m not going to have anyone to live with. You need to enroll in the school. It’ll qualify you for housing. We can move in together. I want to see it done by next week or else I’m done. I can’t do this, Peter. I took care of you all summer. You hardly speak to me, you don’t look at me, you give me nothing. I do everything for you because I know you’re hurting but this is enough. Enroll in the school, Pete. Get your life together. Try and make something of yourself. It’s time.”

Early Fall: Triggers

School was easy. It always has been. This was no different. He understood the lessons and could pass the tests, he merely struggled to attend the classes or pay attention. No one seemed to mind too much as long as he was passing. He wasn’t doing this for him. He was doing it for her. 

Little by little his feelings started to unthaw from their frozen state. College gave him a taste of normalcy back. There was a schedule to follow, whether he chose to or not. There was food always available and safe places to find silence when he needed to. He hadn’t spoken to May since he left but he kept telling himself one of these days he would reach out. 

He was trying to mend what shred of friendship he had left. She was very forgiving of him despite everything he put her through. Every day he saw the love in her eyes grow stronger. It scared him. Two steps forward, one step back. He wanted to keep her close but still hold her at arm's length. She couldn’t love him. He wasn’t ready for that. 

He would keep their conversations based on easier things. School work, Spider-Man, any lighthearted topics that involve little effort. Spider-Man was getting back to his old self, too. Peter hadn’t killed anyone since he found his way back to her, inadvertently or not. She was building new gadgets for him. Part of him felt like he was back in high school, popping by her bedroom window for a drink of water before swinging back into the night. It was nice. Familiar. 

Tonight she sat cross-legged on the couch, a pint of Ben and Jerry’s in her hand, as she watched Hook. 

“I haven’t seen this movie since I was a kid,” he lamented. 

Peter hopped over to her and plopped down beside her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. She happily snuggled into his side. It felt right having her there. She scooped up a spoonful of the chocolate chip cookie dough and held it up to his mouth which he gladly accepted. 

“Do you ‘member what you asked the first time we met?” He asked her through his mouthful of ice cream. 

She frowned, trying to remember. The top of her nose wrinkled in concentration then relaxed, shaking her head, “No idea. I was, like, six years old or something. How do you remember that?” 

He smiled down at her, “You asked me if I was named after Peter Pan.” 

“Sounds like something a child would ask. He was the only other Peter I knew.” 

He nodded, pondering it over, “I told you that I wasn’t because I couldn’t fly.” 

“Look at you now,” she laughed. “I think swinging through the city is the closest you’ll ever come to flying. You almost got there.” 

His smile faded, only part of her words still ringing in his ears while the rest was drowned out. Look at him now. Look at him. Who was he? Nobody. Who did he want to be? Nothing.  Why was he alive? Because he was too weak to take his own life. What was his purpose? There wasn’t one. What was he doing here? Hurting her. 

He was hurting her. His abilities to feel proper emotions were still miniscule. They weren’t thawing out as fast as he would have liked. He was still cold too. Too mean. Too selfish. His mere presence in her life would only ever drag her down. 

Rufio was fighting Captain Hook. Going one on one with their world’s most dangerous pirate. Too cocky for his own good. Too young for the responsibility he was given. The Lost Boys looked to Rufio when Pan left them. He was placed in charge. He was given too much power, too young. Got too full of himself. Thought he could defeat the evil without any consequences. It would be his downfall. 

Peter’s eyes stayed trained onto the television, utterly absorbed in the story playing out before him. His own emotions started to spiral. He could feel the panic rising up his throat. Snuffing out his air. He knew what was coming next. He knew how this story ended. 

“Lookie, lookie, I got Hookie.”

His eyes slipped close. He couldn’t do it. Couldn’t watch the sword pierced through his chest. 

“Do you know what I wish? I wish I had a dad like you.” 

He wished he could turn back time. He wished he could have been faster. Stronger. Better. 

Pan held Rufio in his arms as the young boy died, the life fading from his eyes, just like he had held Gwen. Forever young. Frozen in time. 

Even the giant clock lodged between the crocodile’s toothy jaws reminded him of her final moments. Tick…tick…tick…her time was lost. 

Peter blinked through half spaced out eyes, straightening up, and removed his arm from around her shoulders. They shouldn’t be cuddling like this. This was how couples sat. This was how he used to sit with Gwen. He was giving her the wrong impression. He wasn’t helping her. He was being a bad friend. Always hurting her. 

“You okay?” She glanced between the scene playing and himself. She could sense his coldness settling back in around them. 

He gave a stiff nod, forcing a half smile, “Yeah. I’m alright. I think I’m going to go out for a bit. I’ll see ya later, yeah?” 

He needed to find someone. A blonde. Someone skinny with a pretty face. He needed to find them and dominate them. He needed them screaming so loud as he relentlessly pounded into them that she would hear. He had to show her that he wasn’t interested. He had to crush her love. That love would only lead to death. He couldn’t do that again. He wouldn’t bury her. He wouldn’t. Not to her. Never her. 

Late Fall: A New Seed

It worked. Whatever depression fueled scheme he had come up with to stop her from loving him, it was working, he was fairly certain. She seemed distant. He knew he was breaking her but he couldn’t stop. It had to be this way. How could he ever love someone again? It would shatter him in two if he even dared to entertain the idea. The further he pushed her away, the more she overtook his thoughts. 

Every time he plunged into a woman, he pretended it was her. Every late night session with his right hand was fueled by his desires for her. Every time he closed his eyes to sleep, she was the subject of his dreams. He breathed her in with every breath he took. 

She was so beautiful. 

She always had been but, the more she matured into an adult, the more in sync everything felt on her face. It was like she fell perfectly into place. 

Sometimes when he looked at her, he felt like he was eight years olds again, falling in love with her on the swings. 

The object of his desires. The one he wanted. The one he refused to reach out for time and time again. Only this time he wasn’t afraid of being rejected from a kiss. He was afraid of death. Afraid of the pain that would follow. 

His whole life she had been his. She never had anyone else. He never had to share. He made her have to share him but never the other way around.

Until now. 

It was only a matter of time until someone finally saw her the way he did. He was surprised it hadn’t happened sooner. The guy seemed nice enough. She lit up when he looked at her. A tiny spark of fire blazed behind her eyes with each word she spoke to him. There was something there. A seed being planted. One that could grow if she let it. He planted a seed and started to nurture it with someone else once. She should be able to do the same. 

Gabe. 

Gwen. 

This was what she deserved. To be loved by a nice man. Someone who would cherish her. Someone to see her potential. Someone to care about her. 

Someone with the ability to love. Anyone but Peter would do, he couldn’t give her what she needed. 

Then why couldn’t he stay away? 

He saw them together and his heart screamed out. His skin seared with heated inferno. Green with envy. 

Gabe. Gwen. Gwen. Gabe. Their faces flashed rapidly before his blurred vision. Gabe. Gwen. Gabe. Gwen. GabeGwenGabeGwenGwenGwen -

Her. 

He couldn’t lose her. Not like this. He couldn’t watch her disappear from him with another man. Is that how she felt all those years ago as he fixated on Gwen in the lunch room instead of her? Is this what her heart felt like when she looked at him? No wonder why she used to be so fucking mean. If her heart felt anything close to what he currently felt, it was a miracle she was able to keep herself so composed. 

Drawn to her like a magnet, he couldn’t control himself. He had to follow them. It wasn’t an option. His feet carried him straight to the shadows of the underpass. 

Gabe didn’t know her like he did. He didn’t play make believe with her. He didn’t pass notes with her in class. He didn’t devote his life to being her best friend. He didn’t know about her father or how she grew up. He never had to kill her off in his mind to even bear the thought of letting her go. They never manifested themselves into constellations so they could live together, forever, amongst the stars. 

He wasn’t there like Peter was. Peter knew her. Every part of her. So deeply. 

They were kissing. He was kissing her. She was kissing him back. 

The earth crumbled under his feet. 

He should be able to let her go. This was what he was trying to do. This was exactly why he was trying to push her away. This was his stupid plan. He had wanted her to move on. Anyone but him. Anyone…

Then why couldn’t he stop himself?

Like a jealous, angry, cocky boy given too much power before he was ready to fully bear the weight of it, he had tased her date and got him sent away in an ambulance. 

Just like that he was gone. 

Disappeared from their lives as quickly as he came in. 

Nothing but the two of them now. 

Like it always had been. Like it always will be. 

She was furious. Livid. But, worst of all, she was heartbroken. Completely and wholly heartbroken. 

“He made me feel special. He looked at me like I was beautiful. Why couldn’t you let me have that? Just once. Just once I wanted to feel like someone could love me. You gotta have that so why couldn’t I?” 

She was beautiful even through her pain. 

The city lights reflected off the water beside them and bounced back up onto her face. They glinted like tiny sparkles off the tears in her eyes. 

He hurt her. 

He broke her heart. 

His best friend. 

His only friend. 

Peter closed his eyes, letting her words wash over him and absorb into his pores. She had never once felt beautiful before tonight. How he had failed her. All these years she had looked in the mirror and never saw what he did. All these years he had loved her and never dared to say it. She was right there in front of him and he had chosen someone else. Loved someone else. He was the one who broke her. The one who abandoned her. The one who exploited her generosity and friendship. 

What had he become? 

He let himself die with Gwen when he should have kept living for the person who needed him most. 

“I love you,” the words he spoke were hardly above a whisper. 

They fell from his lips with a raw honesty he wasn’t used to. Pained like it hurt to physically say them. 

He loved her. Always. 

Even still, she couldn’t comprehend how true his words were. That’s how deeply he had failed her. 

“No. You’re not hearing me.” He reached for her then. He couldn’t stop himself. The emotions were too strong. He touched her cheek. Softly turning her face towards him, “I love you. I’ve loved you since the day you fell off those monkey bars in the first grade. I just…it was just too much. I was scared if it didn’t work out then I would lose you from my life forever. I’d rather keep you as my friend where you’re safe with me forever. But after Gw-” He still couldn’t say her name out loud. His heart stung. “-after everything, I don’t want to have anymore what ifs or what could have been. I saw you with that guy and it made me realize. Everything snapped into place. I love you. I don't want you to be with someone else. I want you to be with me.”

She was kissing him. 

Her lips were chilly. Soft. Her tongue warm and wet. A perfect blend to awake his senses. He felt alive. For the first time since allowing parts of him to perish, he was reborn. Awake. Whole. 

His arms were around her waist. Drawing her closer. He could smell the soft, lingering scent of coconut on her skin. The smell was as familiar to him as May’s light, floral perfume and the musty backseat of Ben’s Oldsmobile. One he could never forget. His home. His childhood. His everything. 

He loved her. 

He wanted her. 

He…

Gwen’s face exploded into vibrant color behind his eyes. 

…couldn’t do this. 

Peter gently pulled away. 

Her fist was balled up in her sleeve and pressed against the infamous spider symbol on his chest. Her eyes fluttered open. They gazed up at him with years of unexpressed love. She was too pure. Too good.

He gave her a sad smile, “I’ve thought you were beautiful my entire life. I’m sorry I never told you sooner. I should have told you every single day. But…this…” He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, preparing himself. “I’m a broken man. I’m not okay. I’m not done healing. I don’t even think I’ve started. What I did tonight proves that. You are the most special person in my life. I’m sorry I keep hurting you. My head, it's…it’s not right…after everything…I’ve done terrible things. Things you deserve to know about before you choose me. I can’t steal you away like this. You deserve to make the choice yourself. After you know everything. When I’m done, whatever you want, I’ll do it. If you want me to drop you off at the hospital to see Gabe, I’ll do it. If you want to never see me again, I’ll go. If you want to keep me, I’ll stay. Everything is in your hands. It’s where it belongs.” 

She stayed silent. Listening. Processing. 

And nodded. 

-

There’s no good way to tell the person he loves about all the people he’s killed. It didn’t matter if they were bad guys, he was no better than them, he killed them quick and swift before the cops could arrive. There had been no more cute notes stuck to a webbed up, squirming criminal. Instead, all they’d arrive to was a bloody, broken, still warm corpse. If they were dead, there was no chance they could ever hurt anyone again. There was no more chance of anyone innocent crossing paths with the danger they brought. He gave them no chance for redemption and he felt no guilt for them or their lost lives. 

He couldn’t look her in the eyes when talking about the sexual abuse he inflicted on his sex partners. Most of the time they asked for it, agreed to it, but there were times when he went too far. Times they weren’t always asking to be slapped around that hard. Times he had lost himself. Times he wished they were dead. For them, he felt guilt. A deep-seated cavern full of it. He’d rather be ripped apart, limb by limb, than explain in detail how far he fell after Gwen’s death and witness the horror etched into her features. 

But he did it.

Because she deserved to hear it. All of it. Every dark monster lurking deep behind his closet door. He ripped open his chest and presented her his bloodied, broken heart without anything to hide behind. 

She cried. He cried. The tears felt foreign in his eyes but she had held his hand and he willed them to fall. It was a mess but they came out the other end more in sync than when they entered. 

A start.

A new seed being planted in fresh, overturned soil. 

The love was there. Nervous and shy, hiding behind their legs like a scared child. It needed time to grow, to blossom, before it was ready to stand on its own. 

It was decided that Peter needed to focus on himself first. A relationship now would be too fragile. There was no foundation for them to build on if Peter was broken and cracked. 

The anger couldn’t go away overnight. The shame and guilt lived on too strong to allow for much else. He’d have to pick away at the vines wrapped tight around his castle walls if he’d ever want to create a warm home for her to curl up inside. 

Their conversation lasted all night. They hadn’t moved from their spot standing above the river. He stood directly over the place he had tased a man simply because he saw her kissing someone who wasn’t him. They hadn’t moved an inch. Night turned into day. Dark to light. The early morning work folk started to take to the streets. No one looked twice at the maskless Spider-Man leaning against the railing, dried tears on his face, next to the girl of his dreams. It was too early for anyone to care. 

They watched the sun steadily rise over the buildings in silence. 

They had been silent for a while now but neither one wanted to move. It was comfortable here, side by side, with everything laid bare. No more secrets. No more hiding. 

“Therapy.” 

She was the one to break first. 

He blinked a few times to wash away the sleepy, mindless state he’d fallen into, “Hmm?” 

“Therapy,” she repeated. “That’s what I chose for us. You are going to get therapy. Me too. We need it.” She let out a soft exhale. “Badly.” 

Peter responded with a tired chuckle, “Therapy. I think I can manage that. Therapy, it is, then. That’s what we will do.” 

She nodded in confirmation, “I want you to keep living with me. Keep our separate rooms. I want to keep being friends and supporting each other while we do this. But, Peter-” Her tone shifted into something more serious, her body shifted to face him. “I do not want to ever listen to you have sex with someone inside our apartment. I won’t ever sit through that again. I love you, you know that, and I will not be tortured with that shit anymore. In return, I won’t date anyone else until you’re ready. Not that I have a line of suitors waiting out the door anyway…” 

The morning, golden sun highlighted the frizz that settled on top of her windblown hair after her stressful night. 

He wasn’t ever planning on sleeping with anyone again unless it was her. 

“And,” she continued. “I want you to visit Gabe with me to give him a proper apology. We both owe him that. He’s a good person. He deserves an explanation. Just, like, leave out the part where you’re Spider-Man and I created the Bug Zappers that nearly killed him.”

A lazy, crooked smile formed on his face, “Okay. Anything you say, I’ll do. Therapy, apologies, and abstinence.” 

She mimicked his smile, the love never once fading from her eyes, “Only for now.” 

One day, he would be able to give her everything she wanted. One day, she would be able to accept it. 

One day but not today. 

Today, they would walk arm and arm back to their home and fall asleep against each other on the couch. Today, they would skip classes and order in food. Today, they will be friends. 

Tomorrow, they could be whatever they wanted. Tomorrow, he might even continue with the apologies and give May a call. He’d gone too long without speaking to her. Maybe they could visit. All three of them together. Like older times. Times when everything seemed less big. Less scary. Less real and final. 

The future was theirs. 

Peter nodded, reaching out to take her hand, “For now.”

i’m still #teamgabe 

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