#tried calling my mum and it didn't go Badly it just.

[catfishofoldin99colours]

series of events have Happened and i am sad now

[ericshoney]

Overachiever ~ Brothers!Sturniolo Triplets

Summary: Your brothers are home from LA for a bit, but you haven't spent any time with them as your too busy with school, but when you get home and break down, they step in.

Warnings: anxiety, worrying about grades, overachieving, crying, panicking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nick, Matt and Chris had been home in Boston for a week now and had noticed that you didn't do much other than focus on school work. They were proud you wanted to learn, but when they realised all you were doing was going to school, home, study, sleep and repeat, they started to worry.

"Hey kid." Chris called, as you walked in from school, a tired look on your face.

"Hey." You mumbled, dumping your bag as you grabbed a drink from the fridge.

"How was school?" Matt asked.

"Fine." You muttered.

"You sure?" Nick called.

"Yeah. I gotta study for a test." You replied, grabbing your drink and heavy back before heading to your room.

The guys sighed, but let you go, all worrying slightly. Hoping it was just down to your test.

However, the next day when you got home, you looked even more tired and slightly upset. The guys greeted you, but you only replied with a wave, before going off to your room.

"Let's go talk to her. This isn't right." Nick said, as Chris and Matt nodded.

As they got to your bedroom door, they heard quiet sobs. Frowning, Nick pushed opening the door and saw you curled up on your bed, crying into your pillows. They walked in quietly, Matt shutting the door behind him, as they sat around you on your bed.

"Sweetheart, tell us what's going on." Nick said softly.

You wiped your tears as you sat up, looking at your brothers worried faces.

"I...I gotta do good." You mumbled, picking at your nails, but Matt stopped you.

"No." He mumbled, holding your hands.

"You do your best in school, kid. Mum and dad are so proud of you, so are we and Justin." Chris said.

"I did badly in my test." You cried.

"What did you get?" Nick asked, but you stayed quiet. He noticed a crumbled piece of paper on the floor so he went and picked it up, but noticed it had a C- on it.

"Bub, this has a C- on it." He said, holding it up.

"I know.....I'm sorry." You apologised.

"Woah, no." Chris said, making you look at him.

"It's great!" He exclaimed.

"No it's not." You mumbled.

"Bub, a C- is good. It's not an F and even if you did get one, we wouldn't be mad. You tried your best." Matt said.

"I have to do good in school." You said.

"And you are, kiddo. Your doing amazing. But you have to remember, you are only sixteen and your getting good grades. Sometimes over-studying doesn't help." Chris said, patting your shoulder.

"What...What if I fail? What if I'm not good enough? Will it make mum and dad mad? Or will you all be mad?" You rambled on, your breathing picking up quickly.

"Hey, sweetheart. Breath. It's okay. Follow my breathing." Nick said gently.

Chris held your left hand, as Matt held your right. Your focus was on Nick, trying to copy his breathing. It took a few minutes, but you got there.

"I'm sorry." You said quietly.

"You don't need to be sorry, about anything, bub. Your doing amazing and we're so proud of you." Matt praised softly.

"We understand we're not here all the time in person, but we're always here." Chris said, pointing to your heart.

"Always a message or phone call away." Nick added.

"Thank you." You whispered, as they smiled and hugged you.

"What you need kiddo, is a good meal and movie night." Matt said.

You nodded and smiled, Nick closing all your textbooks for the night as you went with them to get food and watch movies until you fell asleep, happy to have your brothers home and support.

[justanothersanjilover]

So I got this idea about a Zosan Soulmate AU and just had to write a little bit about it. I don't know how fast I can update this, but its a start and I’m going to keep writing it 😊

My Name on your tongue

Part 1

Paring: Zosan (maybe Sanzo, too)

Soulmate AU

Triggers: Child abuse, swear words, death

Six years old

“In our world, you get something very special when you turn 18. You get to summon a familiar - an animal, mythical or natural - that will be your companion throughout your whole life. The animal you summon is based on what you need in life and what fits you. No one knows who’s assigning the animal to you, but it always fits.

Now, if you are very passionate and loving toward your familiar and it returns that feeling, there is a chance that it will turn into a human and become your soulmate. But this only happens when there exists such a strong bond that both of you would endure the greatest pain imaginable for the other. The bond has to be so strong that you’d die for each other.

Most people don't put in the effort because why go to that length for an animal? Also, there is no greater need to be with your soulmate unless your familiar turns into it. You can perfectly live without ever getting your soulmate.”

“Is father your soulmate?” Sanji wanted to know, looking up at his mum.

Sora shook her head, her expression somewhat painful, but her son didn't pick up on that fact.

“But…you don't have a familiar around.”

“I know,” Sora swallowed drily. “She…she died. She wanted to protect me and got badly injured. I couldn't help her.”

Sanji looked shocked at her.

“I’m sorry…”

He snuggled against his mother to comfort her. She smiled sadly and brushed a hand through his blond hair.

“When you get your familiar, make sure to protect them. It’s a really bad feeling to lose them forever.”

“I promise. And I will love them so much! I can't wait to meet them!”

Sanji was so different from his siblings, and Sora was thankful for that, but she knew that he would have it worse than them. While pregnant with him and his three brothers, her husband genetically modified them - against Sora’s will. He made them stronger, more durable - as he called it - faster and better in anything. He got rid of their emotions and made sure they would become his best soldiers. In doing this, he also hoped to influence the familiar they’d get. He wanted them to have big, brutal animals - monsters to make their enemies shake in fear. Sora had watched him silently get rid of the emotions and feelings of their oldest child, their daughter Rejiu. He somehow managed to manipulate her into an obedient, emotionless kid, strong and fast, and an expert in poisons despite her young age. She was his first perfect soldier.

But Sora wasn't standing by as he tried to corrupt her other children! So, after learning about Judges doing, Sora took a poison to destroy the modifications. Unfortunately, it only worked on Sanji. On the one hand, she was happy for him; on the other, she was sad and devastated. Sanji would never have any worth for his father; he’d always be the failure, and she was the reason why.

Although Sanji always smiled when he came to visit, she saw the bruises and cuts. She saw the pain behind his young eyes. She knew what his siblings and father were doing to him, and she could do nothing to stop them. So she always tried to give him the best times when he came to visit her. Unfortunately, the poison she took destroyed her body and made her bedbound.

Hugging Sanji tightly, she did her best not to start to cry. She knew that her days were counted…and it would be the end of the night when she would leave Sanji behind to deal with everything all by himself. The only ray of light was that at least on his eighteenth birthday, he would get a familiar that surely would protect him. That was why she told him all about familiars! She wanted him to know as much as possible, as much as humanity found out about them. Sanji sucked everything up like a sponge!

The only thing she wasn't allowed to tell him was how to summon his familiar. Because if a familiar was summoned before the eighteenth birthday, there were terrible side effects. Sometimes, the familiar wasn't fully developed….like the child. Other times, the child couldn't hold the image of the familiar (which was important), and it would turn out deformed. And then there were times when the familiar was an adult and got really protective and possessive of the child - sometimes so much it had to be put down because no one could touch the child without getting attacked, even when the kid was hurt, starving or anything else putting its life in danger. So she wouldn't tell Sanji - even if a protective familiar wouldn't be the worst…she wanted them to have a chance at getting real friends, and Sora hoped Sanji would be allowed to find his soulmate. She hoped he could experience this purest kind of love in the world.

“You need to go,” Sora mumbled into Sanji’s hair. “It’s past visiting time.”

“I don't want to…”

“I know, love. I know. But your father will get mad if you stay, and you know that.”

Sanji nodded, suppressing sobs, as he pulled away from his mother. He lifted his head and smiled at her.

“I’ll come again tomorrow.”

“Yeah, do that. I can't wait to see you again, my little angel.”

Sora hugged him tight and placed a kiss on top of his head. Why should she tell him that she wouldn't be there in the morning? It would only upset him and make him sad and guilty. She felt her spirits leave her body slowly but surely. At the end of the night, she’d be dead, and Sanji would be alone. Before she let him go, she brushed a hand through his hair and made him look up into her eyes.

“Remember that I will always love you, my little sunshine. Regardless of what will happen in your future. I’ll love you every day of your life and after it.”

Sanji looked a bit confused, but as soon as Sora smiled, he smiled back, placed a quick, wet kiss on her cheek and ran out - so his father wouldn't punish him.

~

“Useless!”

“I’m trying…” Sanji sobbed, holding the side of his face - it pulsed with pain, and he was sure his lip was bleeding.

“That's the point!” His father yelled. “You are trying! You shouldn't have to try! You should be able just to do it!”

“But I…” another blow, and Sanji flew backward against a pillar of the training room - he groaned in pain when he hit the stone with full force.

“You are weak! A false experiment! A fucking failure! I should just get rid of you!”

Judge was towering over his son like death himself. And Sanji couldn't do anything different than feel fear and hurt and disgust at his own body. The poison from his father's lips seeped into his mind and planted a dangerous seed. He cried when Judge grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and held him up to his face.

“And that's why you don't have a familiar. You will never get one! Never! I took that ability from you because it would be as weak as you are, and I don't have use for two failures in my kingdom!”

Sanji sobbed uncontrollably. Ever since he asked his father about his own familiar - which was a big, dragon-like creature always lurking behind his throne - he left no chance unused to point out that Sanji would never have one. Sanji didn't understand why he would rip this opportunity from him, why he was such a mistake in his father's eyes. Just because he wasn't as strong as his siblings? Because his skin started to bleed when cut or punched hard enough? Because he cried when he got hurt?

“Get out of my sight before I start losing my temper,” Judge growled and tossed him aside like a back of garbage.

Sanji scrambled to his feet and ran from the training room, hoping his brothers wouldn't wait outside like they did most of the time. His hopes crashed when he closed the door, and laughter sounded behind him.

“Look at that,” Yonji said.

“The weakling is back out,” Ichiji grinned.

“Seems like he still can't handle a punch,” Niji snickered.

His brothers gathered around him, laughing and pointing at him. Sanji felt tears in his eyes but tried to swallow them. He hated to cry in front of his brothers, just as much as he hated to do so in front of his father. His eyes searched for pink hair, and surely, he found his sister, standing in the background but grinning as evil as the rest of them.

“Leave me alone,” he sobbed - knowing very well it would turn in the opposite of what he wanted…but he couldn’t stop himself from saying it.

“What?”

“We couldn’t hear you over all your whining.”

“I think he said we should show him how to fight.”

And a blink of an eye later, he crashed against the wall and slid down to the floor. Lying there, he curled up into a ball to at least try and shield his stomach and face from the kicks and blows that rained down on him like a hailstorm.

In the end, he was beaten bloody, and they left him where he was lying. His eyes stared into nothingness while his tears mixed with the blood and formed little puddles on the floor.

Hours later, he was able to drag himself to his bedroom. Curling up in his bed, Sanji felt tears in his eyes again.

“Why?” He cried into his pillow. “Why am I not like them? Why do I have to be this way?”

He knew why, his mother had told him, but still…There were moments when he hated his emotions, and he would give them up just to see the same smile on his father's face, pointed at him like he was giving his siblings.

He was worthless, and that's also why he would never have a familiar, which made him cry even more. Since his mother died two months ago, he always comforted himself with the knowledge that he’d get a chance to meet his soulmate. But because he was weak, because of his emotions, Judge took this ability, this gift from him. The first time he mentioned it to Sanji, his whole world was shattered. He didn't even feel the hits his father was dealing. He was numb…almost lifeless. The only thing he was looking forward to - the only thing that made his little heart and mind strong enough to survive and not give up - was the reassuring thought of meeting his familiar.

After his breakdown, he thought maybe, if he got better, if he could prove to his father that he was worth keeping around…maybe he would give him the ability to get his familiar back.

“I have to…get stronger…” Sanji sobbed while drifting to sleep.

All he wanted was to be loved and be part of this family…

[jessicaslittlelovesickmess]

Stick Season

Pairing: Emily Prentiss x reader, Larissa Weems x reader

Warnings: angst, hints of miscarriage

The team sat drinking in Emily's apartment “Oh and what about that woman you dated! The pretty one” Morgan laughed “Y/n?” She responded confused. “Yeah! What happened to her?” Penelope gasped wide-eyed “Um- she moved away” Emily swallowed.

“She was so pretty” JJ sighed leaning back on the sofa “I still remember her babysitting Henry for me” she smiled “She has talent” JJ tilted her drink. The radio played softly in the background as the group made Emily's ex the main subject "Imagine having to tell people how badly you fumbled" Morgan shook his head.

Penelope hummed along before starting to sing, JJ joined in until Spencer and Morgan hummed too "And I'm terrified of the weather, 'cause I see you when it rains". Emily closed her eyes listening to the music, Hotch and Rossi looked knowingly. This was you.

"Doc told me to travel, but there's COVID on the planes" They all stood to dance not realising the lyrics just yet or maybe they did. "And I love Vermont but it's the season of the sticks" Emily's eyes opened you always wanted to visit Vermont, that's where your mum was from. It had been two years almost since you had broken up "And I saw your mom, she forgot that I existed" Emily wanted to laugh.

"And it's half my fault, but I just like to play the victim" She knew it was partly a dig at her "I'll drink alcohol 'til my friends come home for Christmas". You never drank because your dad was an alcoholic "And I'll dream each night of some version of you!!!" Spencer's voice cracked.

"That I might not have, but I did not lose" Emily quickly stood, on a race to the bathroom, closing the door only making the music seem louder. "No, I am no longer funny 'cause I miss the way you laugh. You once called me forever now you still can't call me back."

She had to find you and it wasn't hard she knew you tried to contact her still Emily watched the phone ring through unable to face she had hurt you. Stick season was the name of your song. It came out a year ago but now you were posting some gorgeous blonde on Instagram,

You were finally doing everything you had always planned, you looked happy Larissa had proposed on your anniversary she seemed nice. The more she scrolled Larissa was a principal for what school it didn't say but your following had boosted. You'd made it just like you spoke about.

There was another picture- a few actually that stood out a picture of a dove but you were scared of birds the caption read Joanne Prentiss. Emily didn't know a Joanne and definitely not one with her last name, it was posted a few months after you broke up. Another picture closer to when you had moved out was two plates but only one set of cutlery. It flew over Emily's head, had you been seeing Larissa longer than the internet said?" she wondered still stalking you.

"I hope this pains just passin' through, but I doubt it" Emily slumped against the bathtub watching the last two years of your life in pictures. Everyone made sure to remind her how she let you go but back then it felt best.

You will marry Larissa who helped you gain your shine back and she'll rot at work, you will continue a family while hers will grow without her. You will be happy and that's all she could hope for until she accidently liked a post from when you moved to Vermont.

"Em? Are you okay?" you messaged not long after but Emily couldn't bring herself to say the truth "I'm great, Penelope was on my phone" she frowned. 'Okay, I'm just checking but it's good to hear you're still alive' Two years for this, Emily still lying. It's the alcohol she tried to pass 'Yeah I guess, I heard your song it's...' Emily typed only to delete it 'Yeah, I'm sorry I wasn't there' No Emily.

'I love you- no' 'yeah I guess so, I see you're well' the song was coming to an end "Now your tire tracks and one pair of shoes. And I'm split in half, but that'll have to do" JJ sang loudly. It took a moment for you to respond 'Yeah it took a while, life was tough but it wasn't anything I hadn't gone through before'.

'Can we be friends?' Emily was quick to text 'I'm not sure, you really hurt me but only time will tell. I have to go now Em, Larissa just got home but please take care'.

[myfandomprompts]

Is there anything left for us? || Will (Salad Days) || (1/2)

Will x Reader

Warnings: nsfw, swearing, angst, mention of alcohol, smut Summary: You've been struggling with your feelings for Will for years. Then he calls you after the worst mistake of his life and you feel the world crumble around you. A/N: I'm trying something that has been going around in my mind for quite sometimes. Please see it more as an essay about Salad Days and my vision of Will. Sorry for the length... I just wanted to share my love for this short that I find very good, story wise, many included arcs so it give Will reasons and depth for his actions. It was just so good. I realise that my writing are not for everyone. In any case, part one is more to be seen as an "essay" about the character, but part 2 is more story inclined.

You missed him, but over the years, you had learned to get used to it.

Will had always been a lone wolf kind of guy, and when he disappeared like that you knew that it was because he didn't want to be bothered, or to be found. You tried to respect that at most of your capacities, to give him the space he needed to deal with whatever he had going on.

Even back in high school when you watched him from afar, the cocky guy at the back of the class with his group of troublesome friends, you could see how much he felt rejected, out of place. It was no secret that he had complicated family issues and he hated it when people brought it up. So no one dared to. Only when you befriended him during the last year of high school did you realise how complicated it truly was.

He didn't know his father, and what happened with his mum was a mystery to everyone. Ever since that time, he had lived with his grandmother and you had never seen Will care for someone as much as he cared for her. It was touching and sweet, making you wonder if his nan was the only family affection he had ever known. If he were to lose her, he would be alone.

There was that eagerness within him, the one that craved affection, the one that longed to erase this feeling of loneliness that weighed inside of him. You witnessed it with the girls he fell for every once in a while, in the fleeting relationships and obsessions he experienced with the occasional gal, and each time it ended badly, because Will was Will: wild, hot-blooded and strong-willed.

But he was the most resourceful man you've ever encountered, always finding solutions, always taking advantage of what he thought he could, and always taking the lead when needed to. You admired that in him, this raw strength smothering his weaknesses, heightening his confidence, but sometimes you feared that his habit to always act with his head down first would play to his disadvantage one day. Because where he could be shy at times, often keeping to himself when he felt he did not have the upper hand, he could also be as keen to make rash decisions, his pride and stubbornness taking the better of him. And sometimes it affected the people around him.

And that included Leah. And you.

 In high school you have always regarded Will, Matt, and Tom as the troublesome trio, so in the last year when Leah, your best friend, got close to Matt, all that was left for you to do was to follow. You became the added part of the group, doomed to see how all the boys would find Leah endearing and sweet, whereas you tried to remain unimpressed by them and wary of their actions because you were “stubborn as hell”, as Leah often put it. But the more Matt and your friend grew close over the years, the more you warmed up to them, finding them sympathetic, nice and caring. And definitely funny. And you liked to believe that they liked you as well. 

It was around that time that you came to know Will better and realise everything he was carrying on his shoulders, too heavy for him to handle for someone so young. You could see it in the way he avoided some topics in conversations, how he sometimes paced around a room without paying any mind to his friends, or how sulky he seemed to become every time you all talked about the future or how a member of your family had reacted to this or that.

It attracted you somehow, this double side of his. The strong, tall, and proud man he was versus the reserved one with anguish, hidden behind the boiling rage he displayed at times. So you opened up to him, more than to the others, your heart desperate to know his, to see if you could do anything to help him, to make him feel like he didn't need to prove anything to anyone. At first he was surprised that a girl like you, all serious and phlegmatic, would take an interest in him, but you had some humour in you and he did find you funny. Besides, you didn't take any shit from anyone, especially from the guys, and neither did Leah, shutting down each time they teased both of you or made gruesome jokes you were not very fond of. But each time, Will or Matt would stop, seeing that you were not very receptive and proceed to do something you liked, right before you would tease them back, surprising them and making them laugh as well. Your coldness toward them slowly thawed within months.

You liked to believe Will admired that in you too, how you were able to put them off this easily.

High school ended and everybody stuck around; none of you were willing to venture out and all of you had a project of your own. You knew the guys were applying for several jobs, Leah had found one in a fish and chips for a while, whereas you would take online classes and tutoring students on the side.

And as your group grew forever closer, trying for your part to see through Will as much as you could over time, slowly but surely, you were doomed to see how his eyes shifted whenever he would look at your best friend.

It was so obvious you wondered why Matt hadn't noticed it before, even back in high school. Matt and Leah had got together right after the end of the year, and you believed that only Will’s well-hidden insecurities had prevented him from going after Leah first. Or maybe he knew that his friend had liked her for a long time and chose not to interfere, you didn't know. Still, you could see how Will would look away or look too intensely when Matt and Leah were together, holding hands or kissing, and only you and Tom would joke about it. Not Will. Never Will.

More often than not, it would only be you and Will; Matt and Leah would be off together, having some alone time, and Tom would be off with his family. You would go to his place, talk with his nan, give her news about Leah and your friends, about your family, and then spend time with Will, reminiscing about high school or talking about your lives. You had a lot in common, from playing video games you both like to make fun of the dumb British celebrities on reality shows, even sometimes organising a contest of darts in his basement. You, always so confident that you would win, versus Will, being exactly the same. It always ended similarly, a tied game, as you both were equally stubborn.

When you were still at your parent’s, he would often ditch your group when you invited the whole of them but did not come, and you wondered if it was too hard for Will to be inside of a happy home, one he did not have. But you quickly abandoned this theory, because when you invited Will to come over when the rest was not around, he always came, spending whole afternoons and evenings with you, for the greatest pleasure of your little sister that adored him. And you could not blame her. At nine years old, she would always come to him and he would always joke with her and carry her around, with a blush on her cheeks, and you would watch, their laughter warming your heart.

Now that you had your own flat, he still came, but less often. You and Leah knew the guys were always hanging out together, doing who knows what, but it didn’t prevent you from missing them dearly. Recently, Matt and Leah had gone through a rough patch, and you had to admit that you had feared for their relationship more than once in the past couple of weeks. You didn’t want your friend to be miserable, and you would do what you could to prevent that.

This is why the bonfire party from three weeks ago had been a relief to you, happy to finally see all of your group together again at the rim of the forest outside of the city, perched on the hills where you could watch the stars and make as much noise as you wanted. But as the night went on and the alcohol claimed your blood, you hadn’t expected Leah and Matt to argue again in the middle of it all, and more importantly, you hadn’t expected for yourself to have an argument with him, for the first time of your life.

The words he had shot at you still rang in your ears, as yours felt like poison, something not of your own but that you have uttered nonetheless. He had come to you with worries about Leah again, about how unhappy she seemed to be, and you couldn’t help it. All you heard in his worries was his own hope that they would grow apart, and this time you had been unable to hide your jealousy, ignoring him and growling in annoyance. When he asked what was wrong with you, you only lied to him and assured him that you were fine. But he didn’t like that.

“You always fucking do that, try to pretend like nothing bothers you but it’s bullshit,” he had suddenly shouted, crushing his cigarette under his shoe. “What are you fucking afraid of exactly Y/N, hm? Maybe you should grow some and start telling me!”

You had turned around in shock, the alcohol and the weight in your heart heightening your frustration and anger.

“I’m not afraid of telling you anything! And you’re the one to talk, always hiding things, closing off to me. You hide more from me than I have ever hidden from you, don’t you dare think I don’t know that.”

You earned an annoyed from from Will, lined with guilt, his tongue running across his teeth while you waited for him to respond, to say anything.

“I get it, you don’t need to tell me anything, but don’t blame me for keeping things from you that hurts, because it does Will!” you had confessed with tears threatening to appear at the rim of your eyes. “Just… Just don’t even bother.”

And with that you had turned around toward the cars, clearly remembering the way Will’s arm had caught yours in an attempt to stop you, but you only ignored it and left the field, the party, and your friends behind.

The day after that, you learned everything from your phone call to Leah as she recounted this painful night to you in more detail, telling you how Matt had ignored her for most of the night before leaving, making her feel abandoned and alone. Then she told you that Will had been the one to come to her, to comfort her, and the knot in your stomach tightened. When you pressed a little, she shamefully confessed Will had kissed her.

You couldn’t say that you weren’t surprised, but you made a great effort not to let anything appear in your voice. She continued, telling you that she had pushed Will away as nicely as she could, that she felt awfully guilty, that Matt was all she cared about and that it all seemed like a blur to her. You tried to reassure her, telling her that it was not her fault, that it meant nothing along as apologising for not being there for her when it happened. In your upset state, you hadn’t been able to stay, and you now regretted that you hadn’t. You would make it up to her, bury those feelings that clung to your heart and tried to ignore the pain you felt for Will at his rejection. Or was it your pain? You didn’t know.

Whatever happened seemed to have awoken something within Leah because two days later she was back with Matt, stronger than ever. Now it has been three weeks, and you have started a very busy week with work, three weeks without a word from Will. When you popped by Leah’s work when you could she would tell you that she had seen the three of your friends, and you tried not to ask about Will.

Two days later, Leah called and told you that she was pregnant. You congratulated her but you heard the anguish in her voice, so you tried to sooth her as much as you could. She would be all right, you knew it.

You wondered how Will had reacted.

Then it all escalated.

One minute you were working at home, trying to focus, the next you received a text from Will, breaking these three weeks of silence between the two of you:“Can you come get me Y/N please.”

You frown, heart beating because it was him, and because it was the last message you would have expected. 

Where are you? you typed black.

Idk, somewhere near the bonfire’s place.

Memories of that night float back in your mind, anguish taking hold of you but you gathered yourself.

What are you doing there? you reply, heart beating.

I walked… just come Y/N please.

Will, what’s going on?

He didn’t answer. It was beginning to get dark outside, and you wondered what the hell he was doing, walking all the way up there. Part of you did not want to find out, but it was Will, and he never asked for anything, or very rarely. It did not matter how you felt, or how you two had left things off. All that mattered was that he was your friend and he was asking for your help.

So you shot up from your chair, grabbed your keys and left your apartment.

When you arrived in the area, having called Will three times during your drive there, unanswered, it was almost dark and you could not see very far. But like drawn to something you could not see, you found him on the first path you turned to, ahead, near the trees, not far from where you both had that argument, near a fallen log. He was on the ground, head in his knees and you tried not to feel the uneasiness overtaking you. You see him acknowledge your car as you hesitate to turn the engine off, leaving your lights on and stopping right next to him, exiting the vehicle as you carefully watch him.

“Will? What the hell? What is going on?” you call, levelling with him. “Will?”

He didn’t answer, his nose buried in his sleeve and watching the void, glancing so briefly at you. You crouch down, raising a hand to cautiously put on his shoulder. You could sense the sorrow and the anguish from where you stood, and you grew worried for your friend. You never wanted to see him like this, never. Whatever it was, you would do anything to make it okay. 

You lower your voice. “Will… talk to me.”

He meets your gaze, his blue eyes reddened by sorrow or anger. Unable to look at you more he withdraws his gaze at once, cracking under your eyes as he buries his head in his arms once more, a deep trembling sigh coming from him. You put both of your hands on his, coming closer, desperate to sooth him.

“Hey, it’s okay. Just breathe.”

You hear him taking deep shaky breaths, steeling himself. You put your chin on his elbow that was supported by his knee, waiting for him, close enough now to notice the red marks that scorched his knuckles, the marks of a fight, something ugly, violent. What happened?

From your position you can feel how cold his hands are and you wonder how long he had been out there. You watch him through your eyelashes, breathing with him, stroking his skin with your thumb as you think fast, his hair tickling your face.

“Come on, let’s get you out of the cold,” you timidly suggest, not moving as you observe the way his chest heaves. Then he silently moves to get up and you give him space, leading him carefully to the passenger seat.

You had to swallow the worry in your throat. His gaze was less hooded, firmer, but still miles away from where you were. You open the door for him and take your place behind the wheel, watching him look miserable beside you.

“Ok, let’s get you home, then we’ll talk about this, yeah?”

You release the handbrake before he talks for the first time, his voice hoarse with his evident turmoil. “No, not there, not home. Anywhere else... Your place,” he said, and you stopped your movements, looking at him expectantly. “I just… I can’t go to her right now.”

You watched him for a moment longer before nodding silently, driving away. His cheeks were reddened by the biting cold outside and the warmth of his skin, riled up from his sorrow.

“Are you hurt?” you ask, eyes on the road.

You hear him click his tongue, shaking his head as he grabs his knuckles. “Nah…”

He takes his head in his hands again, passing his fingers in his hair before starting to rock his knee anxiously. He would do that when something was on his mind, but never with a shaking sigh.

“Why were you there?” you ask softly,taking the opportunity now that he seemed more responsive, even if it was just barely.

“I just walked… I didn’t care where. Didn’t want to be found.”

His last words were only whispered, and as you turned a corner to enter the city again, he dug himself back into the seat, putting his hood up and stilled, although his leg continued to bounce up and down.

You pulled onto your street and turned off the engine. “What happened Will…? You can talk to me. Please talk to me.”

He lowers his head, looking at the inside of his palms. You could not see his face, hidden by the hood. “I did sumethin’… I can’t take back.”

You swallow, turning to him. “Whatever it is, we’ll make it right. We’ve always handled ourselves. You and the guys always managed.”

Your words seemed to aggravate him, because he looked briefly in pain before getting out of the car, eager to get away.

When you reach your flat door without a word exchanged between you, trying to catch up with his agitated pace, he goes straight inside, going to the couch to sit in it, hood off and head entrapped in his hands again.

You were eager to take away his sorrow, but you can’t think of anything to say. You go grab some things in the bathroom and come back to sit on the couch next to him and take his bloodied hand. He doesn’t flinch at your touch at all, it seems to even ground him, his gaze now on how you disinfect the wounds and bandage each of his hands. His lips are drawn in a thin line, his breath heavy but less rattled.

It looks  like it hurt, maybe he had fractured a bone you wondered, but he didn’t wince, didn’t make a sound. You do not let go of his hand at first, your way of telling him that you would take anything he was willing to give you. He caressed your hand back absent-mindedly in return, gaze lost at the motion before he sank into the couch.

“Don’t tell anyone I’m here,” he whispers.

“Why?”

He doesn’t respond at once, still looking miserable. “Just don’t Y/N, alright?” he snaps, his blue eyes reaching right through your soul, raising the fear in you.

“You’re gonna give me more than that, I want to help you.”

“You can’t help me.”

“Then why did you call me?"

Silence again, just him clenching his jaw and you searching his face thoroughly, for anything that he would let you see, to indicate what he needed. You knew him. Better than you would admit, and better than he realised. You just thought that he refused to acknowledge it.

“Because you would know where to find me. And that you wouldn’t judge me, or fucking push me away like everyone else did. At least that’s what I thought…”

“I won’t, okay? I won’t tell anyone you’re here, and I won’t push you away, never again,” you promise, your argument lingering between the two of you. “But I don’t want to see you like this, Will. It’s terrifying. Please talk to me.”

He looks at you with sorry eyes, almost desperate. “That’s exactly why I can’t tell you. Because you would be fucking terrified of me if I did. And I can’t have that. I fucking can’t have that.”

You frown again, parting your lips in dismay. You could never be afraid of him, it was Will, and you knew perfectly well what he was capable of. You have been ready for anything, all those years.

“Not a chance, Will. Look at me,” you ask, forcing him to level eyes with you by tugging on his arm, one side of your face resting on the back of the couch as he turned his own, inches apart from each other. “I just want to help you.”

He observes you for a painfully long time, wide blue eyes digging into yours, but he still seemed unconvinced, making your heart ache a bit. He sighs, a stressful grunt coming out of him. “I don’t know what to do right now. I shouldn’t even have fucking called you. It just fucked up so bad.”

“What went bad?” you quickly press.

His tone drastically changes, like he was hesitant to even talk. “I fucked up, Y/N. I really did.”

“Ok, let’s just… Take a breath, think about it,” you gesture, hoping that he would calm himself and see more clearly. You knew him, and right now, he would blame the world as well as himself, too proud to admit anything. He needed to see that he was safe with you.

He only straightened up and ran his fingers through his hair again, putting distance between the both of you in the process. The night had settled outside, and it felt like you had not progressed at all with him. You settled on the idea of allowing him space, to wait.

“You can spend the night here Will okay? Just… take a step back. Gather your thoughts”

He doesn’t answer you, so you decide it safe enough to go to the kitchen, maybe bring him back a glass of water and let him come to you, like he did before. Once alone near the sink you take a look at your phone and you widen your eyes at the three missed calls from Leah and seven of her texts, all roughly the same content. 

“Y/N, where are you? Tom is in detention, he got arrested for robbery or something.”

“What?” you instantly reply, eyes glued to the screen as you await her response.

“Yeah, the post office thing. Y/N I’m freaking out, I’ve not heard from Matt in hours and he is not answering. I don’t know what to do.”

You thought about calling her for a minute, but you chose not to, not trusting that you would be able to remain calm, and something about a post office rang a bell in your mind.

“Do you know where Will is?” came another text while you tried to gather your thoughts, hearing Will shuffle in your living room. “I’ve tried Jonno but he knows nothing, and the police won’t tell me anything. They asked me to come in.”

You bit your lip. You promised Will you wouldn't tell. Damn, you were not making smart decisions right now, knowing the police were involved, but you were desperate to sort it out yourself first. To understand. You owed it to him.

“I’m sure he’ll come around, I’ll try to reach out for him. Don’t say anything, go to your parents. I’ll keep you updated if anything happens, yeah?”

You lock your phone after that written lie, and reach for a glass before filling it up with water.

You had suspected for a while that the guys were a little too cunning about doing illegal things, and even if they never talked to you about it, they didn’t try to really hide it either. They had the occasional jobs, but they never discussed it, they knew fishy people, fishy places and hung out God knew where for days. Matt was able to pay rent despite those shitty jobs, Will had his nan to take care of and Tom… was Tom. You believed you were unnecessarily worrying, especially since Leah didn't seemed bothered by any of it, so you let it go. But it seemed that she was even more clueless than you were.

You noticed how hard you were squeezing the glass of water in your hand and wondered for how long you had stayed like this, lost in your thoughts. But you decide that you had to know.

You unlock your phone again and search about that post office story you’re sure you’ve heard of before. It was too recent and too local for it to have been related in length, but you found some information nonetheless.

Three men robbed a post office with a firearm, and kidnapped one of the workers. The car has been found and leads are currently followed. Nothing more, the article was dated from yesterday.

You leaned into the counter and sighed, feeling the weight of all of this on your shoulders. Why, Will, why did he inflict that on himself? Where did they find a fucking gun? Why would they kidnap someone?

And why did you have this uneasy feeling that Will’s recent breakdown had something to do with Matt?

You stayed in the kitchen like this for a while, lost in thought. Your phone had several new panicked messages from Leah and you felt like a shitty friend for not calling her or even going to her. But somehow you felt that Will needed you the most. And he was wrong, you were not terrified of him, Never.

You gathered yourself and entered the living room, seeing Will fiddle with the bandages on his hands and he only seemed to notice your presence when you sat down beside him.

You handed him the water that he barely drank, analysing him and processing all of the information you had learned in the last minutes. You just had to try. 

“Will… Where’s Matt?”

A/N: Thank you to @babyblue711, @enchantingcupcakecollectionfan & @arcielee for beta reading. They have been of incredible help and support. Part 2 is written and ready to go.

Part 2

[cherryblossomforest]

I'm venting about my mother.

I know I can't go there when it comes to my mother. I can't even touch on it. She fucks with my head really badly and she always has. Part of me wants to try again anyway. Part of me wants to try because I know that if I was to get her number and call her she'd welcome me back with open arms but it's a trap. It's always a trap. If you think I'm unstable now, you don't know just how much my mum messes with my brain. It's like she turns me into this robot and I'm inside myself only able to observe. She had a way of messing up my brain and a way of reminding me I was helpless and below her. If you think my dad is bad, you haven't met my mother. 99% of people in my life, family and friends, call her a literal demon. Even those who barely know much of what she's done. She has this crazy scary sadistic way about her. I remember whenever I tried to rebel or out her, she gave me this look and it's like my brain would reset. I remember when me, my brother and my sister went to her house to basically talk about how badly she treated us. I sat in silence because I was so so scared and I wouldn't look at her or in her direction. Then my sister spoke about a bunch of stuff and then I did, I got a little bit off of my chest. My sister and brother were shocked and I was inside myself observing. As soon as I was done speaking I retreated within myself again and my sister started talking. My mother wouldn't stop looking at me and it got to the point where she called me out. Ignoring all my sister and brother had to say. Just focusing on me. She kept telling me to look at her in her eye and I couldn't. I hated it. As soon as I did because she kept going on about me looking at her despite me not being the person actually talking at that point, she simply said "Okay" when I did and then my brain went blank.

That's why she was so unbelievably shocked at my brother's wedding when I stood calmly and didn't take her shit. I stood there watching her scramble to get me under her control. To be this helpless version of myself. The thing that helped was preparing beforehand and getting all my vulnerable parts away from the front. My mother is a No Go Zone and everyone helped inside. Violet was almost guarded in the front and no one the adults and gatekeepers didn't allow could get past. She did everything and when I kept trying to leave she kept grabbing me because she was so confused that I didn't give in to the normal antics.

So having this all come up is definitely unstabilising. It's been years. Maybe 4 or 5 since going no contact and it hasn't felt this bad since I went NC. Idk what's happening...

[f1-disaster-bi]

I finally have a bit of time to send you all my favourites from your last writing spree 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼 and it's gotten long so i won't blame you if you don't respond 🫂🫂🫂

I loved absoluty everything about Brocedes and Joy 🥺🥺🥺 them finally getting their little girl is just perfect 🩷🩷🩷

My favourite of the norstappen one is this

"Oh", Max muttered because there was a lump in his throat and no one had ever said that about his eyes before, no one had ever made him feel this insanely loved or in love before Lando, and luckily for him, Lando saved him from responding by kissing him all soft and sweet.

Because i think it's getting the two of them spot on with lando being used to be open about his feelings and being told he is loved because of how his parents raised him and Max needing to get used to it because of how his dad raised him 😭😭😭💕💕💕

Oh lando and his ducklings have a very special place in my heart 🥺🥺🥺

Lando had the packet of tissues in hand before the race even finished and he was ready for when Claire made her way over to him, helmet still on as she tried to hide her tears.

Lando being so caring here and knowing exactly what would go on in claire and knowing how to make it better while still letting her feel everything 😭😭😭🩷🩷🩷 (also bonus points for it being a girl because we need more female drivers 🥰🥰🥰)

Norrix and Max F is just everything to me. I love how lando and Max have been friends forever and both have been through so much but never lost sight of each other and are now incredibly close 🩷🩷🩷

Max just walks straight up to Martin, looks and him and goes "Mate, thank fuck you finally asked him out. He was driving us all mental with how much he talks about you. I even know your favourite colour and your Mum's maiden name. I could probably commit identity fraud with how much I know about you from him rambling on"

Max being so blunt is hilarious 😂😂😂 i laughed out loud at the identity fraud 😂😂😂 he would absolutly say something like this because he was sick and tired of hearing every little detail for a thousand times 😂😂😂 i also love that you wrote that Max would also do it to see martins reaction because he is looking out for lando 🥹🥹🥹

Also loved norrix first time saying i love you to each other 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼 martin being so considerate about it and lando just kind of getting ahead of himself suits them so much 🩷🩷🩷

Girl au is new to me and i never read genderbend before but i really like it so far 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼 and i can't wait to find out what George did one day

"Lando"

The way George said her name made her ache. It stopped her in place with how much emotion he could pour into one soft, utterance of her name.

She hated that she could hear the hurt, the regret, the care, in just one word.

Yeah i definitely didn't cry at that i swear 😭😭😭

The last addition to the mystery au was also great 😍😍😍 i really like the idea with the mark aswell

It's when he goes to knock on Lando’s bedroom door that he sees a glimpse of Lando shirtless and sees the scars. He can't make out the brand from the glimpse he gets but it's clear someone hurt Lando badly and Daniel feels horrible about seeing it without Lando’s consent so he quietly sneaks back down the hall and the approaches again but makes a but of noise and calls out for Lando to alert him.

I think this is really fitting to danny that he knows lando wouldn't like it that he found out about it like this and keeps it to himself to spare lando from the hurt 🥺🥺🥺🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

Thank you again for always writing so much for us and about so many diferent things and pairings aswell 🫂🫂🫂

I hope your cats are doing great with the builders in the house and aren't too stressed about it. I also hope you didn't had to go to the hospital for something serious 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼🩷🩷🩷

(I'm sorry if there are a lot of mistakes or wrong/weird words and wordings. English is only my third language so i'm not really good at writing 🙈🙈🙈)

You can always send me long messages and I will respond 🥺💖

Thank you for the well wishes! The cats are currently loving the new window in the living room (we had sliding doors and got them removed) because now they had a huge window to look out and a window sill to sit on!

Today has been a good day so far! I hope your day is going well, and sorry for taking so long to answer this! I have asks half written in drafts and ones waiting to be answered that I am trying to get through cause I love you guys 💖

Brocedes - There was so many things I could do with it but I just wanted to give them something soft and sweet and Joy being their little girl made me go 🥺

Norstappen - Yes 100%!!! I love playing with the idea that unconditional love seems to lways surprise Max because for so long his worth to someone he loves has been defined by what he can do, but Lando just loves Max for Max, and has no problem being openly loving and affectionate towards him!

Ducklings - Lando would so know what Claire is feeling and how she's beating herself up, and he'd know exactly how to make her see the good in the bad and cheer her up. And 100% we need more female racers irl!

Max F and Lando - Max will embarass the hell out of Lando because he can but also to make sure Martin is a douchebag because he loves Lando and has watched people try take advantage of him before, and just wants to make sure Martin is as wonderful as Lando has been saying (and he is, Max approves very fast)

Norrix First I love you - I just can see Martin knowing it and wanting to make it something special and sweet, and then Lando just letting his words escape him and blurting it out over coffee but doubling down that he means it, he loves Martin and sure, it might not be the moment Martin had thought of but its perfect.

Girl Lando au - I loved writing that little snippet because there's just something about Lando and George knowing each other so well, that Lando just freezes because she can hear what he's feeling and saying just with how he says her name, and the conflict of wanting to stop and give in because it sounds like her George, her Georgie, but she's still hurting and knows that she has to stay strong.

Mystery au - Yes!!! I love this idea so much, and just Daniel wanting to know and comfort but understanding that Lando isn't ready. He may never be ready. Understanding that he saw something he wasn't meant to, and pretending he didn't to protect the fragile trust he and Lando have.

[elliebyrrdwrites]

Dramione Drabble 8

Ron was staring at her.

She could feel the prick of his scrutinizing eyes. She thinks that maybe, Ron can sense her infidelity. That he could smell the scent of Malfoy’s mouth on hers, still. Or the sent of her arousal after cumming hard onto Malfoy’s fingers.

But that was days ago. Still, Ron watched her frequently enough around her flat that she began to get irritable.

“What?” She finally asked, turning away from the stove. She was attempting to make strawberry jam for some ungodly reason. Continuously stiringg the mixture in an attempt at preventing little bubbles from forming and popping.

“It’s just...” He shook his head. “You do know I am happy that you are alive, right?”

Hermione looked away and stared into the deep red gelatinous mixture simmering in the pot. She hadn’t been able to forget Malfoy’s words when he’d called Ron out for not showing any relief at her surviving.

She actually agreed with Malfoy, and that hurt. But she refused to focus on it. Because what she had done was much worse. She let Malfoy hold her hand in that meeting. She let him kiss her, let him touch her.

“Hermione,” Ron moved around the table and approached her, slowly. Cautiously. As if he were bracing himself for the cool sting of her stare. “Don’t believe anything Malfoy says. I love you.”

His hand went to her cheek, guiding her face to look up at him. She kept her eyes downcast as she allowed her head to turn toward him.

“Hey,” His voice was gentle and suddenly Hermione was thrown back into a different time. A time before Malfoy started to work with her. A time when Ron was the center of her universe.

She sighed and leaned into his touch. She shouldn’t just give this up without a fight. She and Ron had a history. They fought against the world together. They fought for each others lives.

“I know.” She closed her eyes and tried to enjoy the feel of his warm hand on her cheek. But she was afraid to open her eyes. She was afraid he’d see the truth in them. That, while she yearned for what they used to have, she was yearning for something else, too.

“Are you staying over tonight?” She asked, pulling back and risked a look. Her eyes lifted to meet his. Sapphire blue. She used to melt when they’d land on her, sparkling with happiness. But now...?

There. He flinched. It was small, almost imperceptible. But it was there and it was enough to cause her chest to cave in on itself.

“I can’t.” He frowned, running a hand over the back of his neck. “I promised my mum I’d be home for dinner.”

Sunday dinner was common at the Burrow. What wasn’t common was the fact that she had not been invited.

It’s the eyes, she told herself. Nobody could stand to look into her eyes. With the exception of Malfoy, Harry and now, Theo.

Hermione sighed and nodded her head. “Yeah, of course.”

She watch him move awkwardly away from her. As he refused to kiss her goodbye before he waved at her, leaving through her Floo.

She waited until the flames died down before letting her tears spring forward. She felt like such a bloody hypocrite. She was crying over Ron not wanting her, even after she let Malfoy go down on her. After she let him touch her and kiss her and murmur everything Ron hadn’t.

I can’t lose you, He had whispered while sprinkling kissed across her skin. There was something so heart wrenching about his words, his apologies she didn't understand at the time. She had missed him, had come near death and all she could think about was how badly she had missed him. When she saw him walk into her office, she was hit with such relief, that she had cried.

Now she thinks he was apologizing for what he was about to do. Which was to consume her completely, claim her as his own.

And part of her wanted, so badly, to let him.

Hermione turned off the stove and abandoned her attempt to make jam. It was only something she decided to do in order to get her mind off of Malfoy. Instead, she crawled into bed, red eyed and aching.

She missed what she used to have with Ron. But mostly and more frustratingly, she missed Draco, even when it felt like he was always close by.

[newtonsheffield]

Another ACUPOP prompt - Can we get a glimpse at either Kate or Anthony having to discipline Neddy? Is he just an extremely well-behaved boy? That worries me a bit because those are the kids who are plagued by perfectionism. I would love to see a moment of him feeling secure enough to push some boundaries with his parents, with some gentle guidance back.

I mean, generally, Neddy is a super well-behaved kid, and I think at least at first, Neddy would be super worried about pushing any boundaries, especially with Anthony who he doesn't know as well as his Mum.

But eventually, sure, he's a teenager, and he's going to try out different things, because that's what teenagers do.

And imagine the first time Neddy comes home from a party at 16 and he's a little bit tipsy.

"Mummy!"

Kate startled at the sound of her son's deep voice and the slam of the front door and she bit back a laugh already at the sound of his fumbling footsteps and the mutter of When did we get a coat stand? glancing at Anthony who chuckled lightly.

"I'm in here, Neddy." She called back, muttering to Anthony, "This should be interesting."

"There you are!" His eyes were a little unfocused and he slumped against the door of the living room, his hair sticking up in twenty different directions and he looked so much like Anthony had when they'd been young and stupid and hopping from bar to bar in fiji, newly married that she nearly did a double take.

"Hey, Sweetheart. How was the party?"

"And my Dad's here too!" Neddy crowed, "Look at my Dad!"

Anthony chuckled as Neddy stumbled towards them, flopping onto the sofa between them. "Look, it's my son."

"Did you, by any chance, have a few drinks tonight, Neddy?" Kate sighed, kissing his temple.

Neddy hummed, "I maybe had... one beer."

"One beer?" Anthony chuckled, "Sorry mate, you might be a lightweight."

"So maybe it was three?" He sighed, "But there was a girl there, and she was really pretty and I was nervous and I thought that would make it easier to talk to her, but it just made my head feel really fuzzy and I think I lost my wallet."

Kate's heart pounded for a moment, "How did you get home?"

"I think Dave drove me?" He said vaguely, "I dunno."

"Bed time, I think." Anthony said quickly, sensing Kate's panic, "Do you need me to help you up the stairs?"

Edmund sighed, "I think so. my legs don't work."

Anthony sighed and hauled his nearly six-foot son to a Standing position, half carrying him up the stairs and Kate tried not to think about it.

Edmund looked pale when he came downstairs the next morning, dark circles under his eyes and winced when Miles screeched Neddy! at the top of his lungs banging his fists on the counter.

"Hey, Milo."

Kate looked up at her son, sliding a glass of orange juice across the counter towards him followed by some painkillers. "Big night I hear."

Neddy flinched, staring down at the kitchen bench refusing to look at either Kate or Anthony beside him and it was that more than anything that made Kate's stomach churn.

"Sorry." He finally whispered, his shoulders heaving. "I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have been drinking and I know that this reflects really badly on you Dad and-"

"Neddy," Anthony said firmly, his hand on his son's shoulder. "Mum and I aren't upset about that, and I don't want you to ever make choices based on how you think ti reflects on me okay?"

Their son glanced furtively up at them, his brow furrowed, "But I was..."

"We're upset because we just want you to be safe." Kate cleared her throat, pushing down the panic, "You're a kid, and kids make mistakes and try things out and that's fine but you know, if you're in trouble: you can call either of us right? Or any of your aunts and uncles and we'll just come and get you."

Edmund nodded, letting out a sigh of relief before he winced again, "I really did lose my wallet though."

Kate rolled her eyes, "You didn't actually. I found it in the flowerpot out the front when I went to walk Newton this morning. I would like to discuss the condom you rolled onto the front gate though."

And it shouldn't have been so satisfying but when he spluttered and slipped off his stool: it really was very funny

[nabs-draws]

Lets talk about being Biracial today.

(TW: Mentioning of racism, CSA, Domestic abuse)

I'm biracial. My Mother is german, my biological father is a Pakistani. My biological father immigrated to Germany in the late 80s/early 90s when he met my mum. They became friends, they began to date and my mum got accidentally pregnant with me. My dad tried to push my mum into abortion first, because at the time mum was pregnant with me, they were not married. Which is a big nono in Pakistani culture. Yet, mum kept me. And convinced my dad, that it will be allright. A year later, they married.

As a kid, it never actually mattered that I was biracial. Because most of the kids I grew up with had a immigration background. Some kids were turkish. Others were russian. and some kids in our neighbourhood were polish. We usually all played together. I learned a bit of russian and Turkish as well...but never could return anything about my culture, as my dad didn't teach me much about Pakistani culture. Yet, the whole outer family expected me to live as a Pakistani.

My parents fought a lot. Both of them had a love/Hate relationship towards each other and my Dad was very abusive towards my mum, and later towards me too. (which resulted in me having cPTSD today). My mum, as a result of my dads abuse and his hostile behavior towards us, became neglectful of me too. I don't blame her today. But it wasn't easy. Especially if you were exposed to violence since birth. My aunt always said, that he should use me and my mum as a way to get the german citizenship. After all , he impregnated a german woman and I was the result, but somehow despite my dad being a monster, he also kind of loved us and said that he would never do such a shitty thing. (but beating your wife and sa'ing your kid was not a shitty thing, huh? ). Dads side of the family were verbally abusive towards me too, considering the fact that I embrace my german side more and pushed away the Pakistani side. It sucked but yeah, it is what it is. I might talk more briefly in the subject in the future, when I'm ready. For now. This is as far as I can go about my family dynamic. Back to other parts of my childhood:

I think the first time I experienced racism, was in 2nd grade. It was the 12th September 2001. I was pretty early in school when a group of kids approached me. Since a lot of people were curious where my name came from, I was always open about my biracial background. "You are Pakistani, right?" In confusion, I responded with a nod. "So that means, you're evil too?" I was still confused by it. They clarified "It was propably your family member that flew into the towers, right?" and they pushed me. Like, I knew what happend on 9/11. But how on earth do they think that I was related to them just because of my ancestory roots. Overwhelmed by all of this, I began to cry badly. A few classmates saw what was happening and called the teacher and told her what happened. My teacher , who was the sweetest person on earth got furious. Not at me of course, but what the kids put me through and she lectured the kids and afterwards thought us about Racism and why we should NEVER discriminate someone because of their heritage. Or looks, or for who they love. Miss Viera truely was the best!

In my family, I usually clashed with my Dad because I began to show interest in christianity. I'm not religious at all, but I was always fascinated by Theology. THe similarities between religious beliefs. And of course, European churches. The concept of Angels and Devils, as overused as this topic is in popculture.

People are always surprised by the fact that I'm biracial, because I pass as white on the street. I have lightskin, but my facial feature would call out the Pakistani side immediately. My amber-colored eyes too. My hair is darkbrown with a ginger shine on it and some lighter brown hairstrains. Which are natural, not colored. And I got freckles. I always joke around that my Parents genes were as stubborn as they were in person, resulting into a weird mix because non of the genes were able to tell which one is the dominant one. and well yeah. I'm in the priviledged position of being read as white , but this doesn't mean that I don't face racism and microagression regardless. Mainly because my name calls me out. And Pakistanis easily recognize me too because of facial features.

Once people get to know my name, they usually begin to treat me differently. They willingly mispronouncing my name, which resulted in me being annoyed and tired of correcting people each time. People asking me where I'm from and not believing me that I'm german (despite my CV says that I'm born and raised in Germany.) Having to deal with bigoted opinions, primarily with authorities and them apologizing, once they learn that I have a B.A. Or people telling me that I speak "good german" once they realize that I am biraced. like…yeah. My mum is german!

Being biracial makes it harder to speak about being victimized by CSA from the family. Because you never know if the therapist in front of you might hold racist believes or not and you don't want to tell your story in order to hurt other people or bigoted people to instrumentalize your story for their fu**ed up believes in thinking that all immigrants are evil (no they're not, by he way I was just very unfortunate to be born in a familysystem consisted of a group of predators that put harm on their children.) That you have to apologize in behalf of people you don't even know just because these people did evil things. Like…for gods sake, it's not our fault that these people do these shitty things. …okay I should stop here.

Anyways…That's why I drew this image. Inspired by the song "Half" by Queen Bee, where Avu-chan sings about their own experience of being Biracial. In fact, it was that song that inspired me to reflect on my own biracialness. That it's not always easy. That we want to live regardless and make people happy. That it isn't our ancestory that makes us matter but the people that we are. That evilness has nothing to do has nothing to do with our culutral heritage but the effed up believes that other people have. For thinking one is more worth than the other, when actually, we're all just human in the end. And if you think otherwise with your racist believes, than maybe this blog isn't for you!

In the end I like to say that you matter. Regardless of your race, your sexuality, your gender, your ability or you age. You are important. You are loved. You matter!

P.S: I need to clarify that every biracial person experience being biracial differently. Just because I had a shitty upbringing, doesn't mean that every biracial person had a shitty upbringing. I'm just talking about MY experience!

P.P.S: I really hope that this doesn't offend anybody. I'm was sitting here for the entire day, not being sure how to write it. On top of this, english isn't my first language so it might be that some sentences might be weird due to errors in translation. Thank you for understanding. If there are problematic sentences, please let me know and I will change it. And please be kind towards each other!

[theultimatenonbinarynerd]

Mel's 2023 Reads 🎉🎉Tier List🎉🎉

F Tier

I would consider this tier the You Sucked Tier

These books all disappointed me in major ways. Some were just two short and underdeveloped whilst Insurgent was just a crime on humanity. It committed Character assassination badly and really underplayed abuse.

I was not the audience for the Leia book as its clearly for kids who aren't old enough too watch the Star Wars films.

Honestly I've had a pretty decent year F Tier is thankfully been minimal.

D Tier

I would consider this the Very Underwhelming Tier.

Sorry Marvel fans the Spider-Gwen comic would be higher if I didn't start with issue 5. It was cool okay I saw it at universal and went mine!! I also apologise to Good Omens fans. As a huge fan of the show I just didn't enjoy it. It works a lot better as a TV show. It was too crowded and I wish similar to the High Republic that there was individual pov chapters.

Allegiant I'm suprised I enjoyed it more then Insurgent but it didn't character assassinate Tris character but instead had weird new characters because the villians in the last book were defeated. I cried and the ending so therefore it belongs in D Tier. Old As Time was the most disappointing out of all of the Disney Twisted Tales I was expecting more. Some really good ideas that weren't fleshed out properly. I also found Belle really unlikeable in the first half of the book. I also wanted more Enchantress, her being Belles Mum was fascinating. Would still recommend though it has a beautiful message.

Again not bad for being one of the lowest tiers.

C Tier

I would consider this tier the Enjoyable But With Huge Flaws Tier.

The two books here I enjoyed but have too many major flaws holding them back. I'm suprised that there aren't more but then again 2023 has been a great reading year so I shouldn't.

Look I'm a new to the World of FNAF so I may not be able to accept weirdness. I also accept and respect The Creator didn't expect his game to be popular and as a result is new to writing but the second Fazbear Fright Book Fetch whilst improving on Into The Pits flaws had its own flaws to the point I couldn't put it further. Don't be angry FNAF fans.😰

I adored the Bullet Train movie and was super excited when I found out that it was a novel originally. But the outdated language, highly visible fatphobia and transphobia meant I couldn't put this any higher. I don't care the year it was published, call me a Snowflake but as a Trans Nonbinary Plush Sized person I do not want to read stories that mock my existence, so it's going in C tier. Still a really good story though.

I'm happy that most of my 41 reads ended up in B, A and S Tier

B Tier

I would consider this the Loved It But Could Have Been Better Tier.

Only six books in this tier again it's very surprising how many books have dodged this tier. I loved also this books but they had wasted potential and could have been better. They definitely would have been in A and S tier if they were.

I hope FNAF and Star Wars fans aren't angry at me but Darth Plagueis and Into The Pit absolutely deserve to be in B Tier. I loved Darth Plagueis as my first legends novel but the pacing was garbage fire. I would have much preferred a Trilogy where Book 1 is Plagueis's Backstory and Training With Darth Tenerbous till he kills him. Book 2 is Plagueis Grooming Palpatine to be his apprentice and then Book 3 takes place a few years before and then during Phantom Menace. It would have made the book feel less like 3 books squished into one. As for Into The Pit well, all three protagonists we're insufferable especially Millie in Count The Ways and the stories as a whole are to vague for me. The ending of Into The Pit had me scratching my head. I'm hoping I have a better time with the Tales Series.

As for the comics I haven't even Read Phase 2 yet so I was way too lost to properly enjoy The High Republic Adventures it also in genuine felt way to short. I loved Maz and Dexters appearances though. 2024 is looking to be the year I delve more into Doctor Who extended media with Big Finish having their first fifty stories free on Spotify but 2023 was a good start. Seventh Doctor comic was a pick up from the library and it was good but it also felt way too overcrowded with characters so in B Tier it goes.

I will come back to Plagueis someday and see how it goes but for now I'm super happy with my decisions.

A Tier

I would consider this the Amazing But Not Peak Tier. All the stories I really liked but they just missed a single step preventing it from being S Tier. Nine stories again which shocks me as it shows how generous I am.

Again hoping that fans of these novels are meant. I loved seeing my favourite prequel film turned into a Shakespearian play but unfortunately but unfortunately the source materials flaws stop this from being rated higher. It has however got me excited to read the orginal Trilogy Shakespeare plays.

Would have loved to put The Story Book Of Legends higher as well as it was very enjoyable and brought back alot of nostalgia for me involving Ever After High as it was basically my childhood but the world building is very nonchalant. It feels like if I hadn't been a fan of the orginal show I would have been dreadfully confused. I hope the next two stories in the Trilogy are less alienating when I get to them.

Bloodline and Spider-Man Hostile Takeover are definitely gonna be the most controversial. I loved Bloodline as a Leia Stan but I do not love Disney assassinating Leia and Han's relationship be like Satine and Obi-Wan. Leia even gave up being a jedi for her family. I just don't think that Han would listen to Leia and stay away whilst she's going through so much. Han would never be satisfied with only a video call. As for Hostile Takeover, Liss really messed up with one of the characters Anika she felt tropey and stale, only there to be Peter's over love interest option. Hostile Takeover is such a good Spider-Man story but Anika really let's down this book for me. Echo was written brilliantly I don't understand why Anika couldn't have been as well.

Congratulations to the books in A tier for coming very closer to S Tier though. 🎉🎉

S Tier

Welcome to the Peak Writing Tier it feels like I just give books the S Tier too generously but trust me when I say that these books have absolutely earned it. These books blew me away and are the reason why I've had to do a Tier list instead of a ranking. I'd mention all the books if I could but then this post would go on for hours so I'm just gonna mention three.

Claudia Gray dominated this year and has honestly become one of my favourite authors. The way she writes Leia is so masterful and awesome. Leia Princess Of Alderaan shined and hugely redeemed Holdo as a character for me. However as usual The High Republic lands on top as usual. Into The Dark By Claudia Gray blew my mind in all the best ways possible. It gave me a rollercoaster of emotions and I enjoyed the smaller cast of characters alot. Each character arc felt well done and hugely earnt. As a Star Wars fan I can say your missing out if you don't check out The High Republic in my opinion its so much better than the sequels cos all the writers actually sat down and talked with eachother laying out a clear plan. Peak Star Wars with amazing representation.

I got to go to my first authors talk this year and it was amazing. The Many Half Lived Lives Of Sam Sylvester is a book I wish I could have shipped off to younger Mel who had been bullied in High School for their Autistic traits and was so confused about their identity. Maya MacGregor is such a lovely person and a great author it was a privilege to meet them. They really did the queer Autistic community the representation we deserved. And their next book which I won an arc copy of was just as good. I will be following more of their stories in the future they deserve the hype.

Finally When Our Worlds Collided was an emotional book that brought out the rage in me. I hope this book gets put on the GCSE English curriculum and replaces the harmful stuff such as Of Mice And Men. As a lighter skinned biracial person I was heartbroken realising the struggles and injustices Black teens might face in the UK. I loved Chantelle, Jackson and Marc and how they managed to come together through tragedy and help eachother through their battles. So glad that I impulsively bought this July 2022. Everyone needs to read this especially if you are White. Read diversely people it's important.

Conclusion

Overall 2023 was a great reading year I'm excited to try dip into more nonfiction and fiction in 2024. I'm also listening to Doctor Who Big Finish this year which means my 2024 tier list will certainly be larger next year.

Here are my storygraph and goodreads if you want to follow me.

Goodreads: Melody Soundy

Storygraph: melsage1823

-Melody-

They/Them

[liu-lang]

turns out last monday was not my last therapy session

imagine my surprise when i call the office saying, "i got a text reminder that i have an appt today, memorial day, for my next appt. just wanted to confirm if this is a mistake since i know today is a holiday. my therapist transferred me but i hadn't received a new link to the appt" and the person on the phone said they would have my therapist give me a call

i see a missed call @ 11h45 from "no caller ID" so i called the office back and they said that that was her. the next call, i pick up, the woman on the other end of the phone asks if it's me but she mispronounces my full first name badly instead of just "kris" ... which i let slide bc my name looks foreign from an anglophone perspective. bc she pronounced my name so badly and used that instead of "kris" i thought this was the new therapist but actually it was the therapist i thought i had broken up with ?

so two months of treatment.....and she doesn't know my name. i could alr feel myself wanting to cry bc i thought i never had to talk to this woman again. i took a deep breath and reoriented my thinking, soothed myself and thought "okay, maybe i can use this to clear the air" - i was honest about how every time she tries to remind me "this is the diagnosis you have and it's not going to change, it's going to follow you, this is the right diagnosis" it triggered feelings from my mum who ... upon retrospect ... exhibit signs of Munchausen by proxy with me. she thanked me for sharing this with her which was also maddening bc this was not the first time i have said this, ever since she switched my diagnosis i would remind her, my reactions are informed by this medical trauma from childhood. i asked my therapist why we had to start every session this way bc it made me feel scared, unsafe, unheard and unseen.

she went on some spiel on how assessments and diagnoses are done (you know, assessments don't only happen in mental health, they happen in primary care, in a school setting, so this is totally innocuous and par for the course) - there really wasn't a point in stopping her bc i was alr aware of the obvious so i just said i understood. i was so frustrated and wanted to be genuine with how i felt, i didn't even care if this would give her more fodder to justify the diagnosis or the optics of it, i told her "i concede, i admit defeat, i accept the diagnosis, i'm not resisting anymore. i know the diagnosis stands as is, i'm tired of going in circles, i don't want to stagnate treatment by going over this anymore"

maybe that was not the most mature or kindest or most "mentally well-adjusted" thing to say but i really just felt like a kid again stuck in a doctor's office with my mum telling me "you have to tell the doctor the truth, tell them how it really is like, how bad things are so they can help you"

i told her every session we had, i've felt at a loss and confused about what we're exactly working on and she chalked it up to me being resistant to the diagnosis which is why every session we have to start with these "gentle reminders" of how her diagnosis is correct and also bc i was the one who asked her to do a really thorough assessment so she is just doing her job.

she finally did talk to my psychiatrist and she said they both came to independent findings that i fit this diagnosis...which is contrary to what my psychiatrist told me. my psychiatrist has clarified with me though i made exhibit some traits to differing degrees, 1) the symptoms i have now are a recent development and she understands other social health determinants (like financial difficulties, worrying about the job market) were impacting my mental health 2) i don't exhibit the minimum number of traits to qualify a diagnosis

in my fatigue, i made the mistake of saying 'i understand that multiple mental health professionals are in agreement' and she corrected me by emphasising these were independent findings, not an agreement. again i was too tired to fight so i know her idea is that i think she nefariously convinced my psychiatrist to come to the same conclusion as her.

i asked her, okay if diagnosis comes from observations, like what a patient says in therapy, then if a patient just didn't mention something (either not being ready to share with the provider or literally just not thinking it was worth bringing up bc they didn't perceive it as a problem), doesn't that just as easily change the diagnosis ? the therapist is just not privy to these things and can only make an assessment based on what is apparent to them. she said, she would still know bc she would see that the treatment they were doing wasn't working. so i asked, okay then conversely, if there is a misdiagnosis then the treatment could also not work ? i can't rmbr what her response was to this ... i think she just reiterated her credentials and assured me this is correct and reminded me that i shouldn't harp on the diagnosis so much, the focus is to treat the symptoms and a variety of treatments can be used for symptoms that overlap across diff diagnosis .......which makes even less sense to me since she just said she would know if a treatment wasn't working if the diagnosis was inaccurate in the first place ??

i also had to retell my entire history of when i started seeking therapy as an adult... every time i recount these life details, i can hear her typing... but idk what she is typing bc she never rmbrs anything ? she clarified that i took a break from my previous therapist for a little over a month bc i didn't think i needed individual therapy but no ?????? i told her i definitely did !! continue individual therapist and wanted very much to and saw the necessity in it and the hiatus happened bc of insurance reasons since i sought out couples therapy over the summer of 2022 and insurance dictated i had to do all my therapy under their clinic ... so that's why i had to switch individual therapists, not abandon it all together

at the end she asked if i wanted another session. last monday, i really waffled and wasn't sure but this time i was firm that no i don't want another session, i truly see that this is a bad fit. i am trying my hardest to be as open-minded as possible, i want to get better, i want the things i'm struggling with in my life to not be so difficult, i will take the diagnosis that apparently is going to haunt me forever, i can see myself attempting to work with someone else on this. the transfer will take some time which i think is a good thing... i do think i could benefit from a break of several weeks to maybe a month...however long it will take to line me up with someone new.

[khodorkovskaya]

04.02.23

i studied all day today and then i went to a thrift store event/festival thing to see what was up. and on my way back i was like huh what if i go for a little walk. so instead of taking the bus i went to the park B and i used to go to all the time. it was "our" place, you know. we used to go there at least once a week and had so many memories there.

i remembered how in 2021 at exactly this time of year i was at the worst point of my depression. i going through my exams (badly), not seeing the point in anything. B had rented out his room and was living with his mum and i hated it. i hated how detached he'd always been about the place he lived in. i remember asking him if we could have a sleepover at his old room one last time before he rented it and he shrugged and said no and i felt miserable. and last year when we moved in together and went away for a week during the summer holidays, he said that we could airbnb our flat. i was like are you insane. and he got angry at me because i didn't have a valid reason why i didn't want to do it.

but anyway, around this time in 2021 i remember going through the worst moment of our relationship. i remember going for walks every day to this park and one day B was ignoring me. i called and called and called him but he refused to pick up the phone. and when he finally answered and explained his reason for ignoring me, i felt absolutely devastated. i started shouting at him over the phone, begging him to just leave me alone and never speak to me again. but he didn't hang up.

and i remember walking to the park across the bridge with my phone against my ear, listening to his silence on the other end of the line. and trying to imagine what my life would be like without him. i tried to imagine walking across this bridge without B in my life. i felt extremely lonely just imagining this scenario. and after imagining this unbearable loneliness i was so relieved to hear B's voice on the phone. i wasn't alone. even though i had imagined us parting ways, he was still there.

and today i was walking across that same bridge again. and there i was, without B, just like i had imagined. but i didn't feel lonely.

[skeleton-in-a-hoodie]

Dead Doesn't Mean Gone is nowhere near Casey being introduced, but i'm really excited about him so thought I'd just dump all my headcannons for him so far here

His mum's mexican, not sure about his dad.

Lives with his grandma and little sister - this version of Arnold Jones is, unfortunately, a complete asshole, so when Casey was about 13 and Robyn 7 their grandma got custody.

He actually met Raph before he lived with his grandma. They both play hockey, so played for different teams. At first they were mostly rivals, but it quickly developed into friendship.

Casey doesn't really talk about his dad to Raph and there's a lot of reasons why. At the time Casey was very much like "he's my dad and he loves me, if I tell anyone they'll completely misunderstand the situation." Like he's protective of his loved ones, and felt he had to defend his dad, even if his dad's actions were awful. Plus he knows that Raph lives in a children's home, so he felt awkward talking about Arnold (Raph doesn't actually mind when people talk about their dads).

After Casey moves, Raph knows that something happened with his dad, but Casey won't talk about it. Raph's grown up around a lot of different kids, so he knows there's a lot of potential reasons Casey and Robyn are living with their grandma now, so he decides to wait for Casey to tell him and just be supportive in the meantime.

Casey is afraid of rats - there was a bad experience with them in his childhood.

Raph mentions Splinter to Casey but doesn't go into much detail. Casey just knows that Raph and his brothers have an adoptive dad who can't legally adopt them, most likely due to an unknown illness.

Unknown to Casey, he has met Splinter already. Unfortunately, it was during the time of night Splinter isn't himself. This did not help his fear of rats at all. (Splinter didn't hurt him, just scared him pretty badly.)

Screamed bloody murder the first time he met Splinter properly. Was then super confused cause "Raph, this is your dad!? He's a gaint talking rat!","Technically he's a rat demon", "Not helping Donnie!"

Does warm up to Splinter. Eventually Casey does end up seeing Splinter as a father figure, but due to *gestures at Arnold* doesn't feel comfortable calling him dad so instead it's either Splinter or Tio.

Has a lot of confusing feelings about his gender that he was not ready to get into after moving (This Casey is genderfluid). Starts figuring stuff out when he's roughly 15 and comes out not long after.

The fam are all very supportive! (Most of them are LGBTQ+)

Makes her own skates.

Splinter sees them and asks if Casey wants to learn metal forging.

(If you listen very closely, you can hear Leo's blood pressure rising.)

Donnie and Casey bond over making things in the garage. The earn some money by fixing people's cars and stuff after school/on weekends. When Donnie goes to university, Casey keeps at it and opens her own mechanic's shop.

Skateboards with Mikey and watches horror movies with him. Sometimes they'll watch horror anime together.

Casey at Leo "Aren't you tired of being nice. Don't you ever just wanna go apeshit?" Also sometimes they'll talk about what it's like being the oldest sibling and having to borderline raise yourself and them.

Not sure yet if she learns ninjutsu officially, but she does pick up a lot of stuff from the brothers and April. She knows how to box.

Watches anime and got into Japanese punk and metal bands.

Finds the forest deer unsettling as all hell. Does not get why Mikey is so fond of it.

Once tried to summon a demon with April (Girls Night!) and laughed so hard she couldn't breath when the ritual spat Splinter out (Splinter yelped). April was swinging between excited that it worked and wanting to know why it dragged Splinter in, meanwhile Casey is curled up in the corner wheeze-laughing

[ciaossu-imagines]

First of all, I would like to say how sorry I am about the fire. No one deserves to experience the fear and other emotions that you undoubtedly went through on hearing about it and I’m happy to hear that you’re family is safe. I hope everything turns out alright in the end and that you can still see them at some point.

If you’re not in the mood for hearing another vent, I’m sorry and you can ignore it until you’re doing better. I just returned from an appointment with the therapist and we talked about all kinds of stuff, including the fact that I’ll be going on holiday won’t be seeing my brother. Afterwards, when my mum came to pick me up my therapist said something along the lines of “Enjoy your trip” and my mum thanked her. Outside, my mum asked me whether I had told her about the trip and I was like “Yeah. And the lack of [my brother’s name].” And you want to know what my mum’s response was? Because I wish I hadn’t said anything with how absolutely rude it was. She just said, “Cheek,” like he was doing something absolutely wrong. I said that he was busy and she said, “Yeah. Hopefully that and that he’s not choosing not to come see us.” I’m definitely paraphrasing that sentence but my terrible memory and feelings are making it difficult to remember her exact words but honestly I wouldn’t blame him if he was. He’s always so considerate and is up for the weekly calls even though my parents sometimes nag him about all kinds of things. Sometimes it is justified because he’s not always the best planner but I also know that he is someone to think about things properly so he needs more time than others for certain things. He deserves so much better and I wish I could stand up for him more and that my parents saw him for who he is and wouldn’t complain about him as often as they do.

First off, thank you for your concern. My family is doing okay. There was some property damage but nothing they can't recup from, thank God!! I've been doing a lot of face calls with them, just trying to see them that way.

Secondly, you, and any of my lovely other readers, can always pop into my ask box with vents!!! It never bothers me. I am so, so sorry to hear you went through that and I can see how your mother's comment would bother you so much. I love how protective of your brother you are and I know how much you tried to stand up for him, despite disliking conflict, and bravo to you for doing that. It's a scary thing to do and took bravery.

On one hand, I definitely disagree with how your mother handled this, as she definitely put it off onto you and I really disagree with parents putting their children in the middle of any conflicts or hard feelings.

On the other, I do have to wonder if your mother wasn't simply talking out of a place of both anger and her own fear that maybe your brother didn't want to see them or have anything to do with them. It sounds strange, but it is a common feeling that some parents have when their children leave home and they find themselves having to adjust to their children having lives outside of the parents' home. It's quite possible your mother is just badly coping with that, especially if she's someone who doesn't know how to express her emotions well, but again, that does not excuse her dumping it on you by any means.

[an-asuryampasya]

scream

termites are, in fact, the fucking worst.

They make me feel so useless.

We have- had, now- this Telugu-English dictionary. Always called it the 'Brown dictionary' at home, because it was by Charles Philip Brown and it had to distinguished from the host of other dictionaries dotting the shelves (my grandfather has an extensive collection of books and that includes multiple Telugu-English dictionaries, as well as English-Telugu, Sanskrit-Telugu, Hindi-English, English-Hindi, and probably a bunch of others my kid-self couldn't be bothered about. Well now I very much can be bothered and I'll go check on them in a bit, but first, back to me moping about a dictionary. Also yes, my grandfather really likes collecting stuff. It's a goldmine that I'm only now beginning to appreciate as my interest in archives, conservation, and history grows. Also if you're new here (and my url doesn't make sense to you), hi, I'm Very Telugu on main sometimes and ramble about languages occassionally. Right, back to moping).

I'm stupidly fond of that dictionary. I rarely use it of course - probably why this even happened, it never seeing any sunlight - because I google shit like any other person. But just, growing up and having a rare moment of seeing my dad stumped by a word and us pulling out the Brown dictionary to look it up made me oddly excited? It's a nice memory (-I say, ignoring all the times when I'd have been groaning as he sent me to hunt it down because I'm certain those times happened too). Mostly though, the dictionary amuses me for a different reason. That book is wayyyy older than me, and I've been aware of it right since a time when I read books, but was young enough that I didn't really understand the need for author names. I mean, if I like a book and need to identify it, I need the title of the book itself. What do you mean it's possible to like an author and seek out more of their stuff? What good does knowing the author do? What do you MEAN dictionaries have authors??? The Oxford dictionary is just the Oxford dictionary??? And yeah, dad calls this one the brown dictionary, but that's because the cover of the book is brown, see? [Note: it was not, in fact, brown. The cover was orange and white. It was the other Telugu-English dictionary that was brown in colour, but I couldn't care less about that one at the time.]

[I eventually learned why it was called the Brown dictionary when my dad once asked for it and I grabbed the brown coloured dictionary and my dad was all ???]

So y'know, the title of that dictionary always makes me laugh when I remember why it's called that, and yeah I'm kinda emotionally attached to it now. Except today I decided it's time I look up my url on there because sure, I know what it means, but it's the brown dictionary. For old times' sake and all.

[side note: if you're wondering, my url means "she who never beholds the sun" (as my ideal state is me being holed up in my room). It's a Sanskrit word too, but Sanskrit dictionaries tend to carry only the figurative meaning of "part of a king's harem", so I'm particular about clarifying that I mean the more literal Telugu meaning when I use it. Bonus fact! I was delighted to learn of this word for the first time when my brother's ENT called him an asuryampasya. xD Great doc, that one.]

And well. That's when we discovered that the termites had attacked. They got some of the other stuff too, including somthing my mum is inordinately fond of and aaaaaaaah. I tried looking up online to see if we could buy another copy of the dictionary at least, but a used copy is priced at some forty fucking thousand (INR, that is. But still too expensive to buy just for old times' sake when technically I can just google the words I want.)

So that's it, then. The book is not so badly damaged that it's entirely useless so I can't even throw it out without feeling guilty, but large swathes of it are too messed up to use (the entry of asuryampasya is half eaten, with what's remaining reading 'she beholds the sun'). And I just. Feel so helpless. I read up on conservation practices and study the theory of how light ruins books and what chemical treatments are done and stuff but what is the point of me hoarding all that theoretical knowledge when the ONE book from my grandfather's collection I'm actually fond of got chewed up right in front of me, and I did nothing. Just. Scream. I feel very sad and useless. I should go check on the other books and stuff but I'm too upset to do it right now.

I'll get to it eventually, but until then it's moping (and making that the internet's problem like this) I guess. :(