#traumadumping is bad because *this person is not your friend or loved one and they are not in a position to support you with deeply persona

[mister13eyond]

being salty for a sec forgive me

anyways it drives me batshit crazy seeing people talking about "there is no such thing as traumadumping, you're my friend and i love you and it's okay to talk about your problems" and like. yes, i agree, i want to hear my loved ones tell me about their struggles and pains

that's not what fucking traumadumping is

its the same shit as people calling it "gaslighting" when what they mean is a person Told A Lie. these are not the same thing.

traumadumping is when someone who YOU DO NOT KNOW LIKE THAT, such as A STRANGER IN PUBLIC or a RANDO IN YOUR TWITCH CHAT, comes in and unloads a massive amount of extremely heavy subject material about their life. Unprompted. It's bad because you're doing it to a relative stranger or acquaintance who is left in an awkward position because they don't know you like that and are not prepared to handle it. it is not bad because talking to people about traumatic things is bad.

If y'all can't use the word right i'm taking it away and putting it on the shelf with all the OTHER weaponized therapyspeak yall keep using

[qu0rky]

As much as i can understand where Via is coming from, and her feelings are valid, she doesn’t see her dad as a living person outside of just being her father. And that isn’t right. It’s especially not right seeing just how many people feel absolutely no empathy for him.

“She was just a child having to endure all that!!” Okay, and how old was Stolas when he had to marry an abusive girl and have a kid of his own, exactly? At least he gave Via a chance to have a good childhood, he didn’t have one. He didn’t have anything except for his duties to carry out.

And while it’s heartbreaking that Via sees herself as an obligation, that’s literally what she was supposed to be. Though that doesn’t mean that was how he saw her. She was what saved him, what made him endure all the abuse, what kept him going.

But sometimes that’s not enough, he had NO ONE to confide in and couldn’t put his frustrations on his own kid (because he’s a good father, despite what some of you would like to believe, clearly you didn’t grow up with a parent trying to guilt you by traumadumping when you can barely understand it), so he also NEEDED the pills.

The thing is, i also had that mentality towards my mom for dealing with depression UNTIL i started experiencing it myself. Because it’s so hard to realize that your parents are also human beings, since they’re supposed to protect you, they’re supposed to have everything figured out, to be the shoulder you cry on.

But if i see another dumbass claim that he CHOSE to leave and made the wrong decision in Mastermind, i need you out of this fandom. The whole point of that was that he had no choice, was he supposed to throw away the man he fell in love with, his first friend, his first time that wasn’t for procreation, and the one who liberated him? Stolas is allowed to care for more than one person, and he deserves to be loved romantically by someone.

You’re being too harsh on Stolas because for whatever reason you hate an abuse victim finally having a say in how to live for once in their lives, adding on top of that the weird, underlying homophobia in some of your criticisms for him.

Also i have a bad taste in my mouth from Via only seemingly hating Stolas, despite having SEEN how shitty Stella is. Sure, she doesn’t know the full extent of the abuse, but she’s heard the yelling, she’s seen the throwing, the ridiculing, the insensitivity. And most likely that woman neglected Via as much as possible, because she also didn’t choose to have her, but unlike Stolas she didn’t give a fuck to take responsibility regardless. (Reminding you of the “You get up” comment from Loo Loo Land). This was all happening before the cheating, so that’s not an excuse for her behavior (not that the cheating was, but at least Via would have been able to reason with her reaction to it).

It’s a complicated situation and it’s so shitty to put all the blame on Stolas, he tried so much for his family, but it was never going to be enough, because he’s gay. I’m glad he got out of that marriage.

Honestly, had i been given all those responsibilities at his age in a loveless marriage, i would’ve gone insane. I wouldn’t have been kind to my child, the cause of my shit life. But he never saw her as a weight on his shoulders, he has so much love for Via.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Hi, Raven! I just wanted to ask if it's very pressuring to be seen as like this type of fandom authority/big figure in the twst fandom? Which you're not, and I'm aware of it but I can't help but think and notice that a lot of people generally view you and your blog in that manner. I hope that hasn't soured your enjoyment in the fandom btw if it is the case, it can be daunting to be kind of upheld to a standard and responsibility you didn't ask for. But I hope you're still having fun and enjoying yourself because that's what fandom really is about at its core. Hope you have a good day!! 💖

Well 💦 it’s stressful, yes. but only when I’m made cognizant of that. Typically I don’t think of myself as being in that position, but I’m reminded of it when I receive the occasional ask that opens or closes their question/comment with really intense praise.

Thankfully, I have the luxury of being selective about which asks I reply to, but sometimes it can be as simple as skimming an ask that brings about a churning dread or cognitive dissonance in my stomach. I take a lot of time to formulate what I hope are thoughtful responses in part because I feel like I have some degree of responsibility for those who seem to place so much stock in what I say… It makes me anxious about all the potential ways it could go wrong. Unclear wording/tone misconstruing the intended message, people weaponizing my posts to justify their own takes, arguments breaking out, etc. Then that leads into worries about not deserving this position (ayy, love imposter syndrome/j) and it becomes a cycle that’s hard to break.

If people want to view me as some higher authority or big figure, then there’s only so much I can do to stop them. I can tell others all I want that I don’t like being put on such a high pedestal all I like, but it would do very little to change their mindsets. The best I can hope for is reminding them of where my boundaries lie when people start to act too attached to me. Like, you definitely should not be soliciting free favors, seeking validation, asking for life advice, and/or traumadumping to me, a complete internet stranger. (These have all happened before.) Remember, me being friendly ≠ being friends with me.

I’ve never been someone who reacts well to parasocialism or celebrity culture (something which I highlight in this post). I like to compartmentalize, separate reality from fandom, keep to myself and my own lane, be a private person… so it’s unnerving for me to suddenly be the recipient of parasocial behaviors. Again, I must stress that parasocialism is, in of itself, NOT a bad thing. It can, however, quickly snowball into emotional dependency or a falsified sense of intimacy. That’s why I keep stressing—especially recently—that I have to draw the line and make my boundaries clear.

Now, that isn’t to say that all of my parasocial experiences have been negative ones. Far from it! I’ve had the honor of meeting and getting to know many cool individuals through my activity in this fandom. (If you’re reading this, you know who you are 🫵) I’ve been able to participate in numerous group projects and activities alongside those people. I’ve gotten fan art and interesting asks from so many Twsties that are just as excited about my OC or new story content as I am. I’ve received kind words when I really needed them or when I least expected it. I will forever be grateful for that ^^ and I’d still say that the majority of my time in the TWST fandom has been chill and fun.

In my experience, I’ve seen both the highs and lows of fandom as the result of parasocialism. I of course evaluate them on a case-by-case basis, but what I want to point out is that I do not want overfamiliarity or people overstepping, especially if I have never spoken with you one-on-one off-Anon before 💦 I think that’s reasonable for me to request.

[musashi]

reading about your life made me think maybe I'm not a horrible person I just have bpd. maybe I didn't deserve to be treated like this

but also it inspires me to be a better person too because you are way better than me in terms of coping at the very least and of how much you can give to other people and little you can ask. and just how radiant and confident and strong you are. you are so much better and you still get treated that way. and you still somehow come out on top despite it

idk I feel a lot of kinship with you but at the same time we're Not alike and I should be more like you. I can come off anon if you'd like but just know that you're making one miserable teenager better

and I hope you get better too. I hope you have friends that stick around because holy shit these people just don't deserve you

i am good at coping because i have had lots of time to practice, as well as lots of external love in my past. i thankfully grew up during a time on the internet when deep relationships were encouraged and celebrated, and no one used words like "emotional labour" and "traumadumping." i was surrounded in a lot of very kind people, the kind of folks who would find out i had a disorder and spend hours combing through resources on how to support people with those disorders. it's very, very hard to act out of line when people love you so thoroughly--you want to be better for them.

you can be however and whoever you want, starting whenever. it's very annoying to hear adults repeat that it gets better but it genuinely does. even into my early 20s, shit was still bad for a while. but somewhere around 24 i realized that all the shit that hurt before just kinda... lifted. my brain adjusted. i got better at understanding it and coping. and things got a lot easier.

i will keep trying. you should too!

[maze-of-my-design]

7 8 12 15 for sumi!!!!

(the ask game in question times 3)

[incredible excitement] YA HOO!!!!

7- SUMIRE/VIOLET REDESIGNS MY BELOVEDS god y'all don't know how i love em. As much as i love the canon outfit they SHOULD'VE given her a redesign, small as it may be. Love it when people give her different hairstyles too, shout-out to the short hair sumis out there i love every single one of em. I'm not a part of em personally but i believe in their beliefs.

Also extra shout-out to that one Transmasc Sumire post I think about it always and i love that for him. in love tbh.

7.5 i need more positivity after last post - When people see her past the "hello senpai uwu im so cutesey and shy" personality and treat her issues like they do, say, Akechi's for example. She's an interesting character guys they couldve done so much with her, she isn't just the Badly Interwoven Royal Marketable Plushie guys plea

8- Probably the inverse of the 7.5 point AND when they make her just "akeshu's child" or "akeshu's thirdwheel" or just. make her revolve around them, yknow? ESPECIALLY when it's Royal Trio stuff. She would be mildly concerned about their Doomed Yaoi Swag, of course, but it wouldn't be her sole character trait. Also, when they make her into this permanent doormat-type, fragile little girl. Please, Sumire literally asks Makoto to teach her how to physically clock a bitch in the Theives Den, she's the first one who rushes into battle during Maruki's palace before The Revelation (AND she's verbally told to slow down by AKECHI), she kills three shadows SINGLEHANDEDLY during the intro to the game WHILE LANDING BACKFLIPS. ON HEELS. Sumire is by no means weak or shy in battle and she would be willing to knock a man unconscious if need be.

12 (except it's multiple bc i love her) - She'd be a featherman fan. Maybe not a fanatic, but she'd enjoy the show greatly! She'd also like Disney movies (though not the company itself because Fuck Disney) and taught herself how to pirate TV shows and films so that she could enjoy them in her spare time. Lastly i think she'd enjoy sewing, while Kasumi would have enjoyed embroidering. Two sisters fixing and embelishing clothes, two parts of a whole, you feel me?

12.5 - She's 16 during Royal. Listen, i know she's a first year, but it is stated IN GAME that "the girl who died [Kasumi] was 15" and Sumire is brainwahsed by Maruki on the twins' birthday (according to the wiki) so she would be 16 instead of 15 and that innacuracy drives me a little nuts i think. However we know that fandom wikis aren't the end all be all of characetr info so correct me if i'm wrong

15- I guess i enjoy shu/sumi and sumi/taba* sometimes – their stuff can be rly cute tbh – but i think we were robbed of a bond between Akechi and Sumire. They're the only two theives who arent really members of the theives (Sumire being openly against their methods since they'd make society over-rely on them, Akechi being Akechi), They're both people who pretended to be someboy they weren't because of a single man who thought himself holy, they reunited with eachother at their realest moment (Akechi being Crow, Sumire awakening to who she really is). Akechi would have the opportunity to open himself up at his own pace with her instead of traumadumping to strategically get closer to chosen people, Sumire would get to be more walls-down and feel bad instead of just pretending to be ok. Sumire would learn to be more blunt with others and Akechi would get to be less defensive and mellow down. They're both more honest with eachother than with other people. do you see the vision?

Now i wouldn't say i ship them, moreso i see a Warriors Bond between them where saying friends is too simple but neither would want to kiss eachother on the mouth like That by any means (That is a Gay Man and a Lesbian your honor). They're two ppl who have their worst moments near eachother for an hour and then proceed to cuddle on the couch watching featherman to calm down.

(also because a full on romantic ship would be a little weird considering their ages and all)

*typing the ships like that so that they don't show up on search

[plasmasimagination]

Hi! I hope You’re doing well and I wanted to ask who you’d match me with from HSR, preferably the guys because ahhahdjsbdks my pfp, but ignore jingy rn I want your true and honest opinion. (I don’t mind a female suggestion either)

I’m going to really try and keep this short (I feel like I will fail this as I literally over-explain everything—) but don’t feel pressured at all to reply to this or anything! (I kinda feel i alr did this but im forgetful too help-)

A quick summary:

I’m afab, like 160cm(5’2? With chest which I hate because I want the dark academia dressing style (i dont have money)), she/they, libra, INFP, I’m sorry, I haven’t really had the hyperfixation on sun moon and rising and well astrology stuff tbh 😭

My personality (a mess im so sorry):

Well, I don’t think I could tell you. What I know of myself is that I try to be honest, I am loyal to my friends and probably obsessive when someone shows me interest and i dont know- (there’s some mental disorders going around, along a suspicion of autism) Personally I see myself as a shy annoying brat, while in reality I don’t ever initiate conversation and never know what to say unless it’s about a hyperfixation or something—AGAIN I OVEREXPLAIN EVERYTHING. My mouth doesn’t work as well as I’d like to, I cry too much (imo) I’m sensitive to well a lot, I get overstimulated quickly depending on the situation and um well I’m a picky eater I guess.

RAHHH I LOVE FOOD. And I’m chubby. I’m VERY self conscious and messy (which I’m sure you’ve noticed if you got this far)

Fun fact! If i were to live alone (still living with parents because house market is hell) I’d probably forget to eat a lot/overeat even more than I already do. Why? Because I don’t feel it. I don’t feel a limit to my ‘hunger’ and I don’t even really think I feel hungry at times.

Also, I hate to be perceived by people. It makes me feel like… too much alive. I don’t really feel a connection between my mind and my body, like someone sees my body and I’m just: THAT AINT ME YALL PLEASE IT AINT MEEEEE 😭😭😭😭 but id never say that bc again, my mouth doesn’t work.

I think I’m pretty useless at a lot too, but I don’t mean for this to be a traumadump thingy, which I also don’t realise when I should stop or not like RIGHT NOW I SHOULD PROBABLY STOP (the doubt is real, I’m so sorry—)

LAST THING!

I’m a Jing Yuan simp, obviously, name and all, but I also firmly believe we wouldn’t be good together? Like he’d be great for me. But what would I bring to him? Besides messy thoughts and nothing?�� Which is literally nothing. I want to be someone he could properly rely on and not just a hopeless random girlypop who stops processing information after something becomes a bit too much mentally.

I have my serious moments, which will for most part go unnoticed online, but it’s not like I’m inherently useful or whatever. I feel like I’m really lacking in lots of aspects, and yes I’m aware I’m not ‘old’ yet, but my thoughts eat me alive and I won’t be surprised if I well blablah me me me I hate talking about me. Nothing bad even happened I’m just weird at this point, apologies! (Im a mess, my mind is still that 12 year old kid who just wanted a good hug from her mom and a good chat with her mom without all the school and later college problems aghh I wanna be 5 again.)

ANYWAYS if you made it this far, kudos to your determination anddd i hope you stay hydrated! And eat well. Health before anything.

I FAILED TO KEEP IT SHORT. Sorry I- AAAA that’s how my brain is.

Good god jingsnuggler you're Litteraly the best request I've had in my inbox- (IM SORRY MY OTHER CUTIEPIES DONT GET JEALOUS)

And I also was scrolling from like bottom to top to write some request and saw your pfp and was like "wait didn't I just recently get another one of them?" And I was right >:} You really did stay in my memory HSHSHS anyways anyways not tryna chit chat too long since we know why you're here, and I'll use both of your submits to give you the perfect match...

Drumrolls please....

🥁🥁🥁

.

.

.

JING YUAN!

WAIT ! LISTEN IM NOT BIASED.

I genuinely with all of my heart think that you guys would be perfect like no joke

He would balance you out, just fine.

He's a gentle soul, and would find you very amusing and enjoy being around you

Your talkative and bubbly nature would soothe his soul and calm him even.

Sensitive personality? Don't worry Jing yuan will pat your head and tell you it's fine

Forget to eat? Jing yuan will take note of it. And make sure you never forget. Ever

Okay enough of fluff you said you don't think you have anything to offer for him while I strongly disagree

I think Jing yuan needs someone who can keep him entertained, someone that can talk to him, he's a lonely man believe it or not, he doesn't really interact much with plp other than Yanqing, and between you and me Yanqing is boring af

So he'll greatly appreciate having a small birdie on his shoulder that will tell him all that they think , after hours of doing general work all he would need is to have someone talk to him about some casual stuff and random thoughts, yk?

I also think he would turn to you in case of a crisis, sometimes just come home to you and lay down to cuddle with you, it comforts him somewhat, youre like his stress reliever, hes usually very reserved and calm with other people, but with you..it's so different

To him you're like a fresh breath of air, like just a slap to the face to wake him up, you keep him from going freaking insane

I don't think Jing yuan is usually fit for people with a personality of like blade or Dan Heng (just an example of personality I am no shipper nor anti shipper don't shoot me)

Like ...yeah I guess they can be friends but like...Jing yuan wouldn't click with them? I don't know how to explain it but jing yuan needs someone lively and like all over the place, so he can take time to slowly organize you and your thoughts in his mind.

Phew that's all from me, sending lots of hugs and loves I hope to see you around on my blog since you're a small blessing on my acc (≧◡≦) ♡

[throwaway2763]

Hey, I don’t know how to start this, this isn’t the kind of thing I would usually post but I feel like if I don’t do something, no one will, I’m using a throwaway for my own safety and mental health

This is about a member of the object show community who harassed me, and others, please forgive me as I don’t remember their username clearly, but I believe it was Retroslope or something close to it.

All names will be censored but theirs will not be. (me in pink, unrelated people in white and other victim in blue)

When I was 15, and they were around 19, we were in a discord server together, I won’t name it as I don’t want all of this brought back to me, I’m scared of them.

I was on the mod team and a little strict, which caused people to hate me, Retroslope (who from now I will call TB as that’s what I knew them by) created a server outside of the one we were in originally making fun of dreamsexuals, then they created a channel specifically to bully me, it started as a joke, calling me annoying and such, but soon it turned into jokes about zoophilia, which I am not and am completely disgusted by

(Screenshots for proof of what they said)

[2 screenshots from a discord server, one saying “(censored name) resisting the urge to fuck the caged goats at the zoo” the other saying “But I fucking hate (censored name) if I could I would absolutely tell her how annoying she is” “I bet she’s gonna go to the vent channel because of this”]

[Discord screenshot of a channel named “shit on (censored name) bitch ass wanna be mother fucking cunt ass bitch boy looking ass dsmp wanna be fuck”]

I went into this server and me and my friends started yelling at them, which at first I believed myself to be in the wrong for this reaction

In this server it was also revealed that the person they had a queer platonic relationship with, and fell asleep on calls with, was 12 years old

They continuously sent Vore and other fetish art into a public server full of minors (I was In it) as a joke, a member who was around 16 years old would also make jokes about TB having their kids and TB would laugh about it (name censored for their own privacy)

[discord screenshot reading “TB YOU’RE LIKE THE HOTTEST PERSON EVER I WANT TO HAVE YOUR CHILDREN /P”]

Just before this they got that same member to be their friend by saying “they have no one else” and they’ve gotten attached to them and can’t let go (remember, 16 and 19)

[a discord screenshot “saying the only reason i still interact with tb is because i feel like i have to. he has no one else because gb left him and he clings to me sometimes :/”]

Later once all their accounts were banned from the server they made another one, to DM me and “start over” and I believed them, of course this wasn’t true, as they went back to their disgusting behaviour

They made me believe I was the bad guy for shipping a male character with a lesbian coded character (Gelatin x lollipop) which I no longer ship btw

I felt horribly guilty for my overreaction

Now this I can’t talk on as much as it was told to me second hand, but there was a second person who was also harassed, (the 16 year old mentioned before) where they would make jokes like the one seen before towards eachother, and soon they got extremely attached as TB made them believe they were good friends

As for myself, TB made me believe they’d changed, so I continued contact, joining a server where they would frequently traumadump to minors

I started to get an attachment and trying my best to give them love and support, I’m unsure if this counts as grooming however

I’m sorry for the long post but I needed to say something

In summary, Retroslope:

- made zoophila jokes about me when I was 15

- made a channel specifically to bully me

- groomed people

- sent fetish art to minors as “a joke”

- had a qpr with a 12 year old who they would fall asleep on calls with (they were around 18 or 19 at the time)

- had a discord where they’d traumadump to kids

So sorry to dig up something that happened a year ago but this isn’t petty drama, this person could be a genuine danger, although I haven’t interacted with them since this event so I’m unsure if they’re even still active

I’m not asking for this to become a big situation, I don’t want any attention on me for this, and I don’t want them to be “cancelled” all I want is for what they did to be known (if anyone has proof of the second hand claims being false please let me know)

[gleppy]

jesus christ i am so sorry about that weirdo? coming for you when they were the one who cut you off like wtf kind of crazy shit is that?

right..? like, i wouldn't have hardblocked them or even cared if they just softblocked me once. but they literally. kept. fucking. doing it. the first time they softblocked me i was confused as to why they would follow a second time, but figured maybe the first time they sb'ed was an accident that they didn't realize, and left it at that. but when it kept happening MULTIPLE times on MULTIPLE blogs and platforms (they unfriended me on discord as well) i was like, this shit is clearly on purpose and i'm not gonna put up with it? make up your mind, do you wanna be my mutual or not? i'll be cool with whatever you decide but i do not have the patience or mental energy to keep breaking and reestablishing contact with the same person over and over????

something that was really weird to me was that when they softblocked me, they also would keep dm'ing me before even refollowing me? so straight-up, they would just... decide that they didn't want to be mutuals anymore, but continue acting like we were. like fuck off, you don't get to enjoy my presence while simultaneously acting like you want nothing to do with me. i CANNOT deal with all the mixed fucking signals bro

the unprompted venting was definitely uncomfortable, but not unforgivable. i feel like maybe part of the reason they got jaded with me and softblocked me was that they felt like i didn't do enough to help when they were unloading their baggage onto me without asking if it was okay first fdgfdgjfdhgs... look man i don't know what people expect from me but i have low empathy in general and that's extra true if you're not close to me. if someone who has only ever addressed me by my url and never my actual name starts suddenly whining to me about their mommy issues, i am Going to be weirded out and not know how to respond. but yeah, it was weird and awkward, but whatever, some people are just bad at reading the room and understanding that certain things aren't exactly appropriate to discuss with people you don't know that well. but i mentioned to them that i have a specific phobia (which i will not name), and their response was verbatim, "you're scared of *** *****? lame," and to then send me a photo of that thing, with the text "********** jumpscare." like... what the actual fuck. i wouldn't tolerate that shit from my wife or any of my closest friends, let alone a perfect stranger. i think this person mentioned somewhere that they're autistic, and i'm not so i'm not even gonna pretend i understand what that's like, but i feel like that's not even just missing social cues at that point, that's quite literally just being actively fucking malicious and sadistic

and i'm sorry but telling someone with bpd and c-ptsd that they have "terminal burns bridges disorder" is just... such a depraved thing to say. it's an awful thing to say to anyone, of course, but ESPECIALLY someone who has a personality disorder and trauma stemming from repeated abandonment by loved ones. i never spoke to this person about my struggles with mental health (because unlike them i have the tact to not fucking traumadump to randos) but i do make vent posts about it fairly regularly (some of which they liked/responded to). so clearly they saw that i was struggling to reconcile my extensive trauma based around people exiting my life, and that i had a lot of insecurities and self-loathing surrounding that aspect of my past, and took it upon themself to just... tap that nerve. this person really just gets a kick out of exploiting people's triggers, i guess. is this some kind of weird need for power and control over others? no clue. but like... for ONCE in my life, i finally had the guts and the self-respect to take it upon myself to sever ties with someone who was hurting me, instead of putting myself in a position where they could continue to hurt me only to ultimately end up leaving me and thus make me believe i must have done something to deserve that. but then they come back and try to get into my head and convince me it was all my doing anyways. no, it couldn't be the case that i blocked you because you acted in ways around me that made me feel frustrated and anxious. i blocked you because that's how all my relationships are destined to end. with one person blocking the other. i am wholly incapable of maintaining close interpersonal relationships, and that is why we are no longer speaking. your own actions had nothing to do with it. the only reason is that i just suck at keeping people in my life. that's all.

the specific choice of wording stings so fucking badly, too. an illness being terminal means it is incurable. an illness being terminal means it will result in death. i know i said earlier in this post that i have low empathy, but even i truly cannot fathom the lack of compassion one would have to have in their heart to type that out and not pause for a moment and think to themself, "wow, this is actually a really fucked up thing to say to someone. i don't think i should send this after all." i feel like i'm not even allowed to vent in my own space anymore. even on my own personal blog, i apparently do not have the right to lament the ways my mental illnesses and trauma affect my functioning on a day to day basis, because someone will take the thoughts and feelings i finally feel un-self conscious enough to so painstakingly share, and weaponize them against me. i am being punished for expressing my own emotions in a space that i created for myself. let me reiterate that i am not on social media at all. i deleted all my accounts years ago because i kept getting into situations like this and realized that the only way to guarantee my own healing was to just completely withdraw from all of it. i came back to tumblr because this was the only site i still felt safe on, and now i don't even feel safe here anymore, either.

edit to add: i just wanted to point out, clearly in order to have discovered that they had been hardblocked, this person would have to have visited my blog, which meant they were either A) planning to kickstart yet another cycle of our on-again off-again acquaintanceship or B) hatereading my blog. so. if that doesn't cement that i am DEFINITELY not the fucked up one here, idk what will

[bogkeep]

ok so actually i have a lot of thoughts on """traumadumping on your friends""""" VS "go see a therapist" that may seem pretty self-evident to me but maybe aren't as evident to everyone else, might as well share them:

i think there's been a bit of a language drift around what people mean by 'traumadumping'? i've seen people refer to pretty much any time anyone opens up about anything in any context as 'traumadumping'. what *i* always thought it meant was like, when someone, especially if it's some rando or someone you're not particularly close to, will just, well, dump all of their trauma on you in an inappropriate context/without respecting your boundaries or feelings about it. i think this happens a lot in parasocial relationships, especially online, where people with larger followings and fans may get a lot of messages from people in difficult situations wanting help and advice from a person they admire or relate to. the whole experience can probably be summed up as that one image of a tumblr anon in a car talking to a horrified fastfood employee who's not being paid enough for this.

opening up and talking to your friends IS good actually!!!! if you have friends who care about you, they DO want to hear about what you're going through, they DO want to be there for you!! people LIKE to help their friends!! i know that if someone seeks me out for advice, i feel honored and touched that they trust me. i personally do not think there's any topic out there that's "too much" to bring to a friend if you have a close enough relationship & consent. the THING is, your friends may not be *able* to help you. even if they happen to be trained therapists there's going to be limits to what they can do for you. seeking therapy is far from a perfect system, and often inaccessible, but in theory you should get to talk to someone who is equipped to deal with your stuff.

the consent part is important! i know people like to poke fun at clinical sounding scripts like "are you in a position to receive potentially triggering information" but like, asking people if they're ok with a heavy talk is a GOOD and USEFUL practice. in fact, having the option to say No to things is a fundamental cornerstone of any sustainable relationship. as i said, i love it when friends want my help or advice, i'm likely to drop whatever i'm doing and settle in for Emotions Talk right away - but that doens't mean i'm always available. i have a life and troubles of my own, and it's not fair to my friend if i can't give them the proper care and attention. also, a lot of us have Trouble Setting Boundaries. one might even get a bit burnt out or triggered by being the Advice Help Friend. if you've been the confidante of someone going through a really horrific and traumatic experience or a really bad mental health break to a point where it's affected your own life, you might have caught some trauma of your own. or if you've had a parent or family member (or overly familiar adult on the internet) treat you as a live-in therapist. or even if you've just been the Helpful Friend Everyone Goes To Advice For But Nobody Asks How You're Doing and you're okay with it because you're just happy you can be so useful to your loved ones and super not a burden to anyone ever, you can totally do this forever and haha resentment what resentment. it can feel so uncomfortable and selfish to make yourself Unavailable to someone who needs HELP but sometimes you Gotta before you crash and burn!!!

yes, if you're really close to someone and have pre-established boundaries & the kind of relationship where you feel safe saying "hey can we not talk about this right now please?" then you probably don't need to ask every single time you wanna talk about a thing. the better you know someone, the more familiar you will be with their moods and limits!

if you're in a relationship where someone tells you all of their troubles all the time and never wants to listen to yours, and that's like, the baseline, you might want to reconsider the relationship! i will always 1000% of the time support someone's right to set boundaries (as in, limits you set for yourself, not limits you impose upon others) - but that doesn't mean you have to settle for crumbs. not every connection we have with another person needs to be fully reciprocal and even all the time, it doesn't have to be transactional, but if someone makes you actively miserable and you don't want to be their friend or date them anymore... you don't have to! (you can of course, try to talk to them about it if you want - there might be a chance they simply did not notice this was a thing they were doing. it happens. but if the problem is that they're not listening to you at all... well.)

i'm not a fan of people using "go see a therapist" as an insult. or even people using it in the same way they would say "have you tried yoga?" to dismiss what you're saying. but i do think that, if your friends who love you ask if you're seeing a therapist, it's because they want to help you but don't know how. they want you to get helped. they love and care about you and it's scary when someone you love and care about is Struggling.

it's not always obvious to everyone else that you're Struggling if you haven't told anyone. it may be obvious to you because you're on the inside of your head, but most people don't analyse your every move and compare it to a database of your regular behaviours and expressions unless it's like, pretty drastic? sometimes all we want is for someone to check in on us and ask how we're doing and see us, but i don't think it's fair to resent others if they don't (not that we can always help resentment. pesky awful emotion). it's not because they don't care about you!!! it's just difficult to know what to do and when for everyone!!

something i've seen happen a Lot due to the commonplace existence of vent channels in discord servers is people who kind of... implode in a void of helplessness. lots of young people who have too little experience and support networks and too much trauma and don't realize how Bad things are until they're so bad that they can't be helped. it passes over, it does, but it's always an awful experience for everyone involved when someone is stuck in the despair hole screaming for help and every hand reaching out gets slapped away in rejection because they can't help. i... don't know if this is like, a pattern that can be fixed, but i think situations like these are much more likely to happen if you wait too long before reaching out.

talking to other people is good, regardless if it's a therapist or a trusted friend! it can be a preventive measure for things getting Even Worse. i know a lot of people struggle to talk about their stuff - talking means admitting there's a problem at all. asking for help is terrifying, because you may get rejected or bad advice or hurt. it sucks and it's hard and it sucks more and it's harder if someone can't listen to you right now, even if they have every right not to. we are however, a social species! we carry heavy burdens together when we can!! life is hard but we are capable of difficult things!!!

idk why there's so much discussion around the ~*morality of traumadumping*~ when it's a VERY solvable social conundrum. all you need to do is ask something like "hey is it ok if i talk about this thing? it's kind of heavy" and respect the answer

[cataclysmic-cadenza]

let me preface this with the fact that i agree with the vast majority of what you’ve said (just so you know i’m treating this as a good discussion and not an argument)!!

i don’t believe in any way that pwNPD should be enabled to be shitty or exempt from criticism if they are. and that goes for any disability. it is, and always has been, very difficult for me to function in ways that are considered ethical. but i’m fully aware that while it is not my FAULT, it is my responsibility to hold myself accountable. that’s how it is with pretty much any disability: it’s not fair, but you have to make sacrifices to be able to interact healthily with society. if i say something shitty to someone i care about, i won’t feel any remorse; im physically incapable of experiencing that emotion. but despite this, i will apologize (and not half-ass it) because although i don’t care about the small-scale situation at hand, i care about that person and care that THEY care about it (and if i never display that, i will be dropped eventually). i tend to think i’m better than most people, but do i go around saying that? absolutely the fuck not, no one likes extreme arrogance (which then means no one likes me). i need attention, but do i constantly place myself in the center or it? absolutely the fuck not, i will irritate everyone and make sure no one wants to give me any. i don’t give a damn about the things my friends traumadump on me about, but will i sit on the phone with them for three hours and provide whatever support they need? absolutely the fuck i will, how will i have friends otherwise? i hate my boss and my job and i’m too good for it, but will i still show up every day and ask her about her day while fantasizing about curbstomping her? yeah. it’s miserable but having no money is much more so. i feel atrocious amounts of shame, loathing, anxiety, and anger when someone ignores me, belittles me, doesn’t pay attention to me, or simply does not care about me, but will i crash out every single time? fuck no, that’s some lame shit.

all this to say that i am not a good person, everything i’ve listed is selfish. but i do good things and remain thoughtful with my actions because i cannot get the things i want and need (respect, admiration, love, power, attention, success) without reciprocating them to some degree. call me evil but is it really so bad to do genuinely good things with “bad intentions” when everyone involved is benefiting from it? i’ve never understood why my private thoughts and motivations are something anyone should care about. i see so many “narc abuse” victims doing despicable shit with “good intentions”. bitch i don’t give a kentucky fried fuck that your (not literally you) intentions were to support abuse victims and spread information, why the hell do you feel okay with saying we should all die and handing out tips to “destroy” us like we are monsters? girl you constantly use the medical term that my personality disorder is literally named as one of the worst insults you could be called.

my point in saying this is to compare what you’re asking us to do (begin the journey of unpacking the same traits we adopted in order to survive, while living in a society that actively rewards that same behavior when it’s displayed by neurotypicals) and what i’m asking people like OP to do (just use a different word and stop stigmatizing an entire group based off of information that is shady at best and absurd at worst). both are reasonable and healthy things that should be done. but the former is so much harder, and “narc abuse” victims never acknowledge this, all the while fighting tooth and nail to defend their right to continue doing shit that is stupidly easy to stop.

if you are not bigoted, why are you so protective of your ability to hate on an entire group that constantly begs you to stop? what, so you can have a term to describe abuse that’s not intrinsically linked to us whatsoever? it’s like white people that scream about their right to say the n word because black people aren’t slaves now, and so many songs say it, and you grew up the the hood, like- girl, okay??? why do you want to say it though?? white people saying the n word in a vacuum is not inherently bad, because no word is. its the connotations and history that make it harmful now. the same goes for the term “narcissistic abuse”: in a vacuum, it hurts nobody. it is a string of letters that attaches itself to no one. but we’re not in a vacuum, and if you’re completely aware that what you’re doing causes us immense pain, stigma, and hatred, why are you okay with doing it for something that helps you nowhere near as much as it hurts us?

PSA: No one is obligated to treat you kindly if you've already decided you're somehow above the effort of doing the same because of your alleged disorders/past traumas. If someone venting about their experience with a particular style of abuse strikes a nerve and feels personal to you, that actually says a LOT about you. Cuz people who walk around the pool are not the ones who get bent out of shape when the lifeguard yells at someone to stop running.