#trauma survivors navigating relationships

[mentallystrawberry]

Shout out to the other chronically mentally ill systems who’s disorders and traumas have severely impacted your quality of life and functioning

shout out to polyfragmented or complex and highly complex did systems

shout out to the systems who are RAMCOA survivors, childhood sexual abuse survivors, or childhood torture survivors

shout out to systems diagnosed with other comorbid mental disorders

shout out specifically to systems with BPD🫂

shout out to systems who have lost relationships with people because of your mental health

shout out to the systems struggling with substance abuse issues or addiction

shout out to the systems who’ve been in and out of mental hospitals

shout out to fellow black systems and other poc systems with many intersecting marginalized identities

shout out to systems who can’t attend in real life school or are graduating late due to their mental health

shout out to the systems who can’t get a job or a drivers license

shout out to the systems who lost their childhood and teenage years due to constant mental health struggles

shout out to systems who have to take multiple medications for their disorders

shout out to the lonely systems who can hardly ever leave their homes and build friendships

shout out to the systems that struggle with the scars their sh addictions leave

shout out to systems who can’t take care of themselves without needing support

try to keep in mind that you are not the average persons, so we shouldn’t expect ourselves to be able to function just like the average person would. know you are all loved and are trying your best to navigate a society that wasn’t designed with poc and disabled or neurodivergent people in mind. i wish you systems the bestest recovery possible and i’m sending much love and support.

[litnerdwrites]

Rhys being the 'most powerful hl' ultimately hinders the story. If SJM wanted the nc to be underdogs, it should've been the smallest, most unstable court.

Historically, objectively bad or unmoral people can sometimes be the best rulers while objectively good or moral people can be terrible rulers. Take advantage of this.

Make Rhysand need to wear the mask of the cruel, ruthless high lord in order to prevent the CON and Illyria from rebelling. Make both of those places have a certain amount of political and militaristic power over him that would explain why he can't just force them to do as he pleases.

Have the NC be the court with the highest crime rates, and poverty rates and Rhysand be considered a ruthless ruler. One who 'lets' amren out on the prowl to steal wealth (preferably from greedy rich nobles) but they don't know that it's redistributed into running the NC, and looking after the people.

Have Mor actually help woman but drinking and visiting the con or other cities under the guise going there to flex her power and act tyranicle, but secretly leave money, medical supplies, tickets to boats/carriages, etc. Or even instructions to their library where sa survivors heal (maybe not in the how, but somewhere else, hidden or warded).

Have Azriel and Cassian push the limits of the Illyrians, not enough to incite war, but to keep them in line. If men clip wings, have Azriel either assassinate them or Cassian publicly punish or beat them but not reveal the reason why, so it comes off as tyranny.

Make them act like villains for a damn reason, and actually accomplish things in the process, even if it's small. Perhaps even have the land itself be dying (like the dusk court centuries ago), making food harder to come by too.

Maybe even have the concept of Velaris be a legend, of the Night Court's former glory, but in the current story, be a shell of itself. This would give the so-called court of dreams something to dream about and work towards.

Have the previous rulers of the nc be objectively moral people, that were bad at ruling and created the unstable political climate Rhysand needs to navigate, while Feyre gives him new perspective. Have Elain and Nesta come in later, and help teach Feyre about politics based on what they knew from their mortal lives. Give them dreams and aspirations of their own.

Give each of the Archeron Sisters something in the NC that would cement it as their home, if that's what you want to do. Have Feyre speak with the Illyrian women, teach them to hunt, learn of their issues, etc. Have her repair her relationship with Nesta over helping them, with Nesta using the training of her childhood to help the Illyrian women overthrow the corrupt lords that insist on treating them as lesser than.

Give Feyre and Nesta a chance to learn about each other, their childhood, how neglected Feyre felt and how abused Nesta was, before coming together to reach a common goal. Then, Nesta could become a diplomat that helped the nc repair their foreign relations, giving her the chance to travel that she always wanted.

Make the humans have innovative methods of agriculture, given they don't have magic. Have Elain want to help the people of downtrodden villages and towns, teaching them about those innovative methods, to help rejuvenate the land. Still let her have trauma, but let them have their own reasons to want to stay in the nc or not stay in the nc.

Making Rhysand 'the most powerful hl' doesn't make him unique or interesting. It makes it too easy to wonder why he won't do something when he sits in a seat of power and privilege, to do it. So, take away that power. Give him something to earn. Give the entire IC a dream/vision for what the NC could be and work to it, throughout the books, instead of handing it to them on a silver platter. Make them work for it.

[askdiscordwhooves]

This update was drawn by me, @jitterbugjive

I want to address one thing that I KNOW some people are going to complain about because they've already complained about if it would happen, and that’s The Doctor and Derpy getting together in the end. I understand the concerns. This is in no way meant to say ‘your abusers will eventually change for the better if you just say the right things to them’. This isn’t that kind of story. These are special circumstances that DO NOT EXIST in real life where the abuser was under MAGICAL mind control. That’s not who he actually is and when he’s himself he’s not remotely an abuser. He is safe from having a relapse, the curse is gone and over with because the core Discord was killed while the fragment left over in their universe has been reformed.

 Real abusers are not under any kind of puppetry or mind control when they do what they do, and no not even getting drunk counts as this because when someone is an abusive drunk they’re still choosing to get drunk when they are well aware of what they do when under the influence. If The Doctor did any of this abuse on his own terms, I wouldn’t have let them get back together. I’m an abuse survivor, I know better than that. When you try to compare completely fantasy scenarios that can’t happen in real life to.. Well, real life, you’re kind of reaching at straws at that point. Besides, this relationship wasn’t automatically better just because he returned to normal. Both of them suffered damage and trauma and both needed to navigate around it to be able to trust one another again. If there’s any kind of comparison to make, it’d be more like a loved one suffering a psychotic episode and doing horrible things they’d never do in their right mind. And some people are able to understand and forgive, while others are not. The pain of having a psychotic episode and saying and doing things that hurt people is really hard to overcome, it’s hard to trust yourself and it can be hard to make amends. But a psychotic episode does not dictate who a person is. It just doesn’t. And that’s the closest thing to reality this story is. I tried to handle this as best I could, because in my line of work recovery is the most important thing and I understand that someone coming out of a bad episode needs support and compassion (Unless they’re a terrible person in general) and there have been extreme cases where perfectly good people end up going as far as murder- even murdering their own children, but their loved ones are able to reason that they were sick and they are going to suffer great pain upon realizing what they’d done, and they are going to seek help. Maybe you wouldn’t be able to forgive someone who did terrible things in a psychotic state, and that’s within your right, but it doesn’t mean people who can forgive are any less valid. Listen, if a husband can be capable of not blaming his wife for killing their kids in a psychotic state (a very real event that happened rather recently, simply google “wife psychosis news killed children husband forgives” and you’ll find it), it's perfectly reasonable that someone can forgive someone who was under magical mind control.

If you are in a physically abusive relationship, you need to get out of it. The likelihood of this person changing for the better is extremely low, and you can’t cling to the idea of the rare few people who manage to work through these kind of things. Those are very special circumstances and in my opinion if there’s a relapse into violence after making genuine efforts to change, that should be the end of it once and for all. It shouldn’t be happening to begin with, it should not be tolerated. You matter, you deserve to be treated with kindness and compassion. Never let anyone tell you or make you feel otherwise. Please take care of yourselves, and DO NOT use this story as a basis for how to manage your own relationships, no matter how much you might think you see yourselves in it. This is fiction, and the scenarios in this story do not happen in real life. If you can’t discern reality from fiction, that is all on you, not me.

[dangermousie]

Something that struck me extra on this LLTG rewatch - how subtle yet unmistakable the narrative is about the fact that being sheltered and spoiled as a woman is a recipe for disaster.

NN, ill-educated STEM feral child, gets how important marriage partner choice is more than all the rest of them, properly brought up in womanly virtues.

No, I don't mean she yearns for true love (she gets it, eventually, but that is not what she hopes or looks for) - but what she gets and a lot of the rest of the young women we see do not, is that you want a husband you can like and get along with, who can let you be yourself (and who is also acceptable socially because she's pragmatic.)

That is why her first choice, until it's OBE, is Yao - he's sweet and he's a friend and she knows she'd be the boss in that marriage. All the ladies in the capital swoon for Ling Buyi but she is never consciously swayed. She doesn't realize he likes her and she's not someone to build fantasies/pine for someone she can't have (in a way, knowing the man likes her is a necessary precondition for her to be even able to open her heart - she's spent too much of her childhood fruitlessly yearning for familial love to want to repeat that in her marriage.) Yao openly adores her so this allows her to consider him as a partner (that is why Scholar dude never had a chance btw, his courtship style is negging and NN is the last person that would work for.)

In fact, even after she knows Ling Buyi likes her, she is NOT excited to marry him because she doesn't want someone too high a status compared to her and someone as strong-willed as him because what she sees, and a lot of the rest of women looking for husbands in this story do not, that if there is a huge status disparity and a man is used to getting his own way, there is a risk of having yourself subsumed. A lot of the latter half is the two awkward, scarred by various trauma young people navigating boundaries of their relationship and what is OK for them and what is not (Ling Buyi IS used to barking orders, NN is overly defensive about even the slightest suggestions - they eventually meet in the middle and it's lovely but it's even more lovely that the drama shows it takes work and conversations and compromises.)

The thing that she gets, perhaps because she's a pragmatic survivor, is how the choice of a husband is the most important thing for a woman in that society. Her life fully depends on that, even more than of e.g., an Austen heroine, because in addition to those hurdles, this is a polygamous society (so how many other women brought in and how husband treats the legal wife versus concubines etc also is an issue) AND a society where if your husband goes down, you and your kids will be executed/enslaved along with him. We see how badly wrong marriages can go - Yao's eventual wife's first marriage is a great example, where she marries a man who abuses her and kills her family. Or even that one woman who marries a general who dotes on her and is a great husband, but commits treason and is executed (and she's only spared by the grace of the emperor.)

And the fact that all those women swoon for Ling Buyi and want to marry him SHOWS how the sheltered/spoiled thing has fucked them up. Remember princess whatever? She is dead set on marrying Ling Buyi and it's insane to me. Yes, he's good-looking and quasi-son of the emperor who dotes on him (since it's safe to do so, he's outside the dynastic fight) but that's great for about three minutes and boasting at parties. She is so sheltered from reality, she does not think what it would be like to be married to him. I don't mean his revenge quest since nobody knows. I mean if he was exactly who he appears with no other goals. Ling Buyi dislikes her and makes it known. He's rude to her (he's rude in general. Hell, he's rude to his parental family, openly! And emperor lets him get away with it), he clearly looks down on her and at a couple of points he genuinely threatens her and her family with murder. He's not charming or gentle or considerate. THIS IS NOT A MAN YOU WANT TO MARRY OMG!!! It has clearly not occurred to her to think past being carried into this house, envy of all her girlfriends - day in, day out with a rude, violent man who is the emperor's favorite (so you can't really seek help from your family if he doesn't treat you well), who dislikes you and who is entitled to take other wives.

Anyway, I love NN and her pragmatic mind and that she makes Ling Buyi EARN her consent and her loyalty and her love. (But then she is ride or die for him, isn't she?)

[buddierecs]

angst buddie fics

all mature rating!!! make sure to kudos/comment on these amazing works :)

leave the light on (i'll be coming home) by: hmslusitania "an accident on a call leaves buck with custody of chris after eddie is... missing presumed. while they navigate their new family circumstances -- and fight to stay together, despite eddie's parents' best efforts -- a john doe wakes up in a coma ward with no memory of his own life beyond the knowledge he has a son named christopher and, somehow, he needs to get home." word count: 44k important tags: amnesia, mourning, grief, hurt/comfort, getting together, happy ending tomorrow will always and forever now be today (tomorrow is our always and forever) by: withmeornotatall "eddie gets trapped in a time loop on the day buck marries natalia" word count: 43k important tags: time loop, minor buck/natalia, weddings, love confessions five minutes by: onelonely_tortillachip "after the lawsuit, buck decides to take a small vacation to take a break from the stress of coming to work each day to a group of people who can't forgive him. he decides to fly back to wyoming to the ranch he worked on as a younger man. but the flight he is scheduled to take doesn't make it to its destination" word count: 71k important tags: post-lawsuit, emotional hurt/comfort, airplane crashes, found family, depression, oblivious!evan buckley, grief, survivors guilt i'll feel you forget me like i used to feel you breathe by: turningthepages "a car accident leaves eddie without ten years of memories. he forgets meeting buck, falling in love, getting married, and bringing two more kids into their life. as eddie struggles to adjust to this new life, buck struggles with being in love with someone who doesn't want to remember him. oh, and they have really cute kids." word count: 128k important tags: amnesia, car accidents, hurt/comfort, married!buddie, hurt!eddie diaz, insecure!evan buckley, slice of life, future fic when it comes back to you by: gisellelash "the one where eddie and buck meet when they work together on eddie’s uncle’s ranch, and again when eddie walks into the 118 eight years later." word count: 21k important tags: different first meetings au, first love, internalised homophobia, second chance, emotional hurt/comfort, mental health, soft!buddie, boys in love both blade and branch by: daisies_and_briars "the chances of being struck by lightning twice are incredibly minute, but buck still manages to pull it off. during a double date with marisol and natalia, nonetheless. eddie manages to resuscitate him, but as buck recovers from yet another trauma, eddie can’t help but notice there’s something very different about him. he’s not quite sure what version of buck he got back." word count: 62k important tags: paranormal elements, slow burn, hurt!evan buckley, eventful comfort, emotionally hurt!eddie diaz like when the sun came out by: spaceprincessem "buck can see ghosts au" word count: 39k important tags: ghost au, hurt/comfort, mentions of suicide, happy ending, boys in love, getting together the light's been out through, baby by: hattalove "six months after the near-fatal shooting of a member of the lafd, footage of the incident surfaces on social media." word count: 15k important tags: shooting, minor buck/taylor, getting together alone again tonight with you by: woodchoc_magnum "in which eddie and ana are dating, buck is secretly in love with him, and christopher isn't handling it well." word count: 37k important tags: pre-relationship, pining, team as family, jealousy, season 4 standing on the brink of emptiness by: woodchoc_magnum "in which eddie is struggling in the aftermath of being shot, learning how to take care of himself and realising he's in love with buck; and buck is dating taylor, taking care of eddie and christopher and trying to figure out why he's so goddamn confused about everything." word count: 70k important tags: season 4, injury recovery, ptsd, slow burn, minor buck/taylor, pre-relationship, getting together

[traumasurvivors]

I don't think people talk enough about how sharing your story of any kind of abuse is so brave, I would love it if people realized how much it takes

It is absolutely so brave!

I think talking about it is important (only for those that want to - I don't mean everyone has to and is somehow failing if they don't.).

"There are many reasons people may make survivors feel they shouldn’t talk about their trauma. Survivors who talk may be told they are “attention seeking” or that “real survivors don’t talk about it.” Some may say that they are “ruining the mood” and “making everyone sad.” People might argue that they “should be over it by now.”

Some people may say “it’s too hard to hear about” or claim that the assailant has a “promising future” that may be “tainted” by sharing what they did. The pressure to stay silent can be even worse if the one who traumatised someone is a friend or family member of those who might be listening, or is in some way a public figure or celebrity. These are only some of the many reasons there is a stigma on talking about trauma, both in personal relationships and in society as a whole - and all of that can happen even if the person listening believes the survivor and doesn’t consider them to blame for what happened.

For me, I talk about trauma because a lot of my followers tell me that it makes them realize they aren’t alone, which makes them feel heard and validated. I’ve also been told that people have felt less shame, guilt or like it wasn’t their fault from reading some of my personal posts and experiences. And that means a lot to me. When I wrote my book, it felt healing to me. It felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulder. On some level, it felt like accepting what had happened to me and beginning to learn to live with it in a way that was less painful.

The stigma surrounding talking about trauma is harmful. Pushing survivors to stay silent reinforces feelings of shame and allows perpetrators to remain hidden. This can cause survivors to feel more alone and it can make it more difficult and isolating to navigate healing from trauma. Telling survivors they “shouldn’t talk about it” or pushing blame on them can allow perpetrators more freedom to do harmful things. Having a more open dialogue is a good thing for so many reasons and on so many levels.

No trauma survivor should ever be pressured or forced to talk about what they went through. But we need to work to remove the stigma from talking about it, so that if and when a survivor wants to talk about it, they feel like they are free to do it. And that starts on a personal level - by doing our best to not make others feel a stigma about talking about trauma (such as by avoiding making comments about news stories on what a survivor “should have done” after their trauma), and by listening and giving comfort to someone if they want to talk to us about it (if we are in a place where we can handle hearing about things), without expectations or judgement.

"

^ That is from my article "The Stigma of Talking About It." And kind of sums up on my feelings on all of it

[gatheringbones]

[“When you learn how to listen to your body’s whispers, it no longer needs to scream. Your body begins to trust you. Trauma-bond survivors who trust themselves are a powerful force to be reckoned with. They have seen tragedy and betrayal, and not only did they conquer it, but they found a way to tame the darkness so that it is on their side. They are aligning with what their body is saying yes to and tuning in to what their body is saying no to by listening to the messages underneath.

Once you begin to listen to your body and trust that you can provide a service for it when it needs you, you will also begin to align with self-trust and self-confidence. You are uncovering ways to first offer your body the stillness it requires by internally navigating yourself to a window of clarity and openness. From there, you can practice techniques that strengthen your resiliency to face relationship conflicts and manage stressors with calmness, confidence, and intentionality. You are becoming aware that you have a body, and that body is experiencing thoughts, emotions, and sensations. Remember, you are not your thoughts, nor your emotions, nor the sensations in your body they are connected to. They are experiences you are having, not representations of who you are.

It will take time for your body to internally maneuver its way to this space when past trauma-bond patterns beg to unleash old toxic reactions. But you can do this. I promise. One step at a time. I want you to know that you are something more than the experiences in your body and the actions they once compelled you to do. You are the awareness of those experiences. You are the infinite consciousness that can see these experiences as just moments in time with a beginning and an end that you can influence in ways that are healthier for and helpful to your greater good. When you are ready, the next intentional step toward self-trust and healing will involve becoming aware of your beingness, a state of presence and existence as is without reference or relationship to anything else. Developing conscious awareness in the way you’re about to learn will help you recognize that what is happening within you and what is happening around you are reflections of each other.”]

laura copley, from loving you is hurting me: a new approach to healing trauma bonds and creating authentic connection, 2023

[burst-of-iridescent]

Your response to that anon makes it pretty clear they're right lol. Katara did support Aang unconditionally, especially with his trauma as she could empathise as someone who is ALSO a survivor of genocide and the last of their people (water bender and air nomad). But Aang also was supportive of her- when she wanted to free the earthbenders, him and sokka helped, he wanted to refuse to continue teaching from Pakku because he wouldn't teach Katara, he helped her with the Painted Lady, and the Southern Raiders comment is not as condescending as you think. Yes, it was shitty, but you really think they would've turned their back on Katara? They shouldn't have said that to her but him and Sokka know if she kills Yon Rha, it will not bring her closure. And as for her doing all the labour, that's blatantly untrue. In Bitter Work the whole argument between Toph and Katara is that Katara is (rightfully) mad that Toph only wants to do her share, arguing that everyone around camp does their part.There’s multiple episodes in which the gaang help pitch the tent and perform campsite duties. There’s a whole episode dedicated to how katara and sokka are both sick, resulting in aang having to run across the world to retrieve them medicine, and he continued trying to get the frogs for his friends even when captured. There’s an entire episode dedicated to how the gaang cannot get anything done without sokka, who usually manages their schedules and itineraries and helps ensure that they’re on track. There’s plenty of moments in which aang and katara are goofing off, and sokka gets mad at them for not sticking to his carefully curated and meticulous schedule and for putting a wedge in their plans to save communities (see: imprisoned and the painted lady). There’s moments when toph assumes responsibility; there’s moments when aang assumes responsibility. and then there’s moments when none of them have any clue on what to do, when they literally act like children navigating a world that’s constantly trying to kill them. Because they are children, which in episode 1 we see Aang telling Katara she is still a kid. Whether you ship it or not, a big part of their relationship is that they are children. They're a team, they all support each other. Saying she shoulders everything and that Aang is just selfish and callous is a blatant lie. They have helped each other throughout the series a lot. There are moments when they both say and do things that aren't good to eachother, but that doesn't make their relationship instantly toxic. Aang kissing Katara w/o consent was wrong, it's why I don't ship it, but saying Katara was reduced Aangs mother figure, especially when he played a large role in her acting like a kid again, and also grew up communally so the concept of a mother isn't something he would even think about. The constant adultification you insist on of Katara is just weird, there's a reason black and brown women hate it so much, especially when katara has stated she dislikes being seen as motherly

wow that is a whole lot of words you're trying to shove into my mouth, huh? don't worry though; unlike you, i know how to make a good argument, so let's go through this flaming pile of garbage you've dumped in my asks to see exactly what that looks like!

i don't know where you got this idea that i think katara does everything for team avatar while the rest of them sit by and twiddle their thumbs; i have never said that, and i never will. my argument isn't about katara's relationship with the gaang (though for all that she says they divide the chores equally in the chase episode, you will notice that much of the time it is always katara you see in the background cooking, training aang, or doing work around camp - make of that what you will), it is about katara's relationship with aang, and the severe imbalance of emotional labour in that relationship.

let's look at how many times katara supports aang in the show when he's in need of it:

S1:E3, The Southern Air Temple: katara pulls aang out of the avatar state when he's grieving over the loss of his people, then holds and comforts him afterwards.

S1:E12, The Storm: katara listens to aang's regrets over running away, assauges his guilt, encourages him, and ultimately inspires him to move on from his past and start anew.

S2:E3, Return to Omashu: katara listens to aang's worries about bumi and tries to reassure him.

S2:E9, Bitter Work: katara coddles aang when he's sad about not being able to master earthbending, motivating him to keep going and trying to convince toph to give him an easier time.

S2:E10, The Library: katara pulls aang out of the avatar state again, this time actually putting herself in danger (the only one to do so, you might notice) by walking into the middle of a sandstorm while aang is in an highly volatile state of extreme power. keep in mind that katara knows exactly what can happen when aang isn't able to control himself, because of that lovely incident back in book 1 where she was burned thanks to his recklessness, and yet the duty of calming aang down falls to her yet again.

S2:E11, The Desert: aang snaps at katara and then leaves her to take care of herself and the rest of the gaang all on her own in a highly dangerous environment. don't worry though, she'll still find the time to sympathize with him and comfort him, though he certainly isn't going to apologize and will, in fact, have this lovely exchange with her instead:

"What's anyone else doing?! [Pointing his staff at Katara.] What are you doing‌?!"

oh nothing aang, just keeping everyone alive and together, and being the entire reason they survive the desert at all. thanks for the support, though!

S2:E12, Journey to Ba Sing Se Part 1: katara reaches out to aang multiple times in this episode, offering her love and support, and ultimately helping him to snap out of his depression over appa's loss (he still hasn't apologized for his behaviour in the previous episode, in case you were wondering).

S3:E1, The Awakening: katara tries to help aang deal with his feelings of guilt over Ba Sing Se, heals him, brings him food, and even stays behind to look after him (funny you don't see either sokka or toph doing that)... all while dealing with her own sadness and anger over her father. aang does notice this, by the way! though naturally, he does nothing about it.

S3:E9, Nightmares and Daydreams: i'll cut this one a little slack, because sokka and toph do try to help out with aang's anxieties too. note, however, that katara checks on aang five separate times in this episode alone - far more than either of the other two by a clear margin.

S3:E17, The Ember Island Players: katara is the only one to notice aang is upset after the play, goes to see if he's okay and... well, you know how this one ends.

let's do a little tally and... that clocks in at a whopping 10 times that katara offers aang her love, support and comfort, including almost all of his lowest moments.

now let's look at the number of times aang supports katara when she is in need of it:

S1:E9, The Waterbending Scroll: aang encourages katara to waterbend, pushing her to have faith and be confident in herself, allowing her to waterbend successfully and defeat the pirates.

S1:E18, The Waterbending Master: aang defends katara against pakku and cheers for her during her fight; he does also, however, undercut her very real anger at pakku and tries to dissuade her from fighting at all under the impression that it's for him instead of the injustice that's been done to her so... we'll consider this a wash.

S2:E17, Lake Laogai: aang rests a hand on katara's shoulder in wordless support after jet dies.

S3:E8, The Puppetmaster: aang pulls the hand-on-shoulder move again while katara cries after defeating hama... except this time, sokka's on her other side doing the exact same thing so it can't even be counted as an emotional support moment exclusive to aang, the way all of aang's are to katara.

final calculation: 2, 4 if i'm being generous. four against ten, and even if you combined all of them together, aang still doesn't provide even half the depth of support and care that katara does for him in just a single incident.

see how that might be what we call an imbalanced relationship?

They shouldn't have said that to her but him and Sokka know if she kills Yon Rha, it will not bring her closure

except who brought up killing yon rha? aang. who immediately conflated justice with revenge? aang. who pushed his own culture's values of pacifism onto katara? aang. and who was ultimately wrong about blanket forgiveness and inaction being the path to closure for katara? aang.

you don't need to take my word on it. katara corrects aang herself when he inaccurately assumes she did what he wanted her to: "But i didn't forgive him. I'll never forgive him."

if aang had his way, if katara had never confronted yon rha, her rage and grief and resentment would've simply continued to fester inside her. katara made peace with her trauma on her own terms, by finally getting to see yon rha for what he really was: not a nightmarish bogeyman who left her powerless and afraid, but a weak, pathetic, human man who didn't even deserve the mercy of death, and whom she was able to reclaim her power over.

aang doesn't extend to katara even a fraction of the empathy, understanding and faith she always offers him; rather, he instantly jumps to the worst judgements about her intentions, preaches to her about how she should heal from her trauma, and only deepens her stress and anger while she's reliving the worst moment of her life.

that is not support. that is not friendship. that is aang making katara's struggle about himself, just as everything else in their relationship already is.

saying Katara was reduced Aangs mother figure, especially when he played a large role in her acting like a kid again, and also grew up communally so the concept of a mother isn't something he would even think about

buddy, i assure you i'm not the one making katara aang's mother. you can take that up with the writers who made a self-referential joke about katara acting motherly to aang (unless you think "stop rubbing your eye and sit up straight when you talk!" is somehow a romantic thing to say to your future husband), who have katara coddle aang multiple times, who framed katara holding aang's dead body like the virgin mary holding jesus, and who literally had her dress up and pretend to be his mother.

and for your information, katara is a motherly figure - not just to aang, but to every member of team avatar besides zuko (and suki, if you count her). that's not my opinion btw, as you seem to believe. that's canon, confirmed by both sokka and toph in S3:E7, The Runaway:

Sokka: When our mom died, that was the hardest time in my life. Our family was a mess, but Katara? She had so much strength. She stepped up and took on so much responsibility. She helped fill the void that was left by our mom. It really seems like my whole life, Katara's been the one looking out for me. She's always been the one that's there. And now, when I try to remember my mom, Katara's is the only face I can picture. Toph: The truth is sometimes Katara does act motherly, but that's not always a bad thing. She's compassionate and kind, and she actually cares about me. [Wipes away tears from her left eye.] You know, the real me. That's more than my own mom.

so no, anon, i'm not the one "insisting" on katara's adultification. she was adultified the moment her mother died, because she was forced to step into her mother's shoes - and she did it so well that she became a surrogate parent to her own older brother. she is a child who was forced to sacrifice her childhood, and who will never be able to find it again. that is the fundamental tragedy at the heart of katara's character, and an integral part of what makes her who she is.

there's a reason black and brown women hate it so much, especially when katara has stated she dislikes being seen as motherly

really? women of colour hate being pushed into motherly roles, and seeing female characters like themselves being forced to do so? damn, i wonder if there's any way that i, a south asian woman living in southeast asia, would know that?

i don't need you to tell me what brown women think and feel. i understand first-fucking-hand what we go through, because i've seen it in my own female relatives, in my friends, in their families, in every aspect of my society. i've felt the expectations of my culture on my gender since i was a child, and that is just one of the many reasons why i ship zutara: so that at least in a fictional world, some fictional brown girl is able to have an equal relationship with a partner who respects her, admires her, supports her, cares for her, and loves her just as much as she does him.

i'm glad we can both agree that katara hates being seen as motherly. i hate it too, which is why i despise kat.aang, because the last thing that katara needed after losing her childhood being a mother was to lose the rest of her life to it too, stripped of her agency and legacy, forever stuck looking after a man who will always make her do too much labour without once recognizing it, let alone returning it.

now kindly get out of my inbox with your faux progressive concern, and take your subpar media literacy skills with you while you're at it.

[darth-kote]

SFW Tropes Masterlist

For writers - or for those who'd like to request a fic from me and need help generating ideas. Click here for the NSFW masterlist. Guidelines for requests can be found here.

Angst and Hurt/Comfort

Post-Battle Care: Tending to wounds (physical or emotional) after a fight.

Nightmares and Consolation: A character seeks solace after a distressing dream.

Bottled-Up Emotions: A character finally breaks down after holding everything in.

Survivor’s Guilt: Reflecting on losses and grappling with responsibility.

Grief and Healing: Finding a path forward after devastating loss.

Action and Adventure

Escape Mission: Characters must break out of an enemy stronghold or evade capture.

Treasure Hunt: Seeking an ancient artifact or holocron with unexpected challenges.

Undercover Operation: Posing as someone else in a high-stakes situation.

Hostage Negotiation: Characters navigating delicate situations to avoid disaster.

Defusing the Bomb: A tense countdown to prevent disaster.

AU (Alternative Universe)

Role Reversal: Characters swap roles (e.g., Jedi becomes a bounty hunter).

What If: Explore pivotal moments with a different outcome (e.g., “What if Order 66 failed?”).

Canon Divergence: A single decision alters the course of the story (e.g., “What if Qui-Gon survived?”).

Time Travel: A character is sent back (or forward) in time to change events or gain new perspective.

Relationships and Dynamics

Found Family: A group of unlikely individuals grows into a close-knit family.

Enemies to Allies (or Lovers): Tension and grudging respect turn into trust or affection.

Mentor and Protégé: A seasoned character trains or guides a younger one.

Unspoken Feelings: Moments of lingering glances and unsaid words.

Sibling-Like Dynamic: Bickering like siblings but with deep care.

Adoptive Parent: An older character becomes a mentor or caretaker.

Healing Together: A group works through shared trauma as a unit.

Mystery and Intrigue

Murder Investigation: Characters work to uncover the truth behind a crime.

Hidden Identity: A character conceals their true role or past.

Lost History: Unearthing forgotten lore or secrets tied to the Force.

Double Agent: Navigating the tension of working both sides.

Emotional Exploration

Forgiveness Arc: Characters work toward forgiving themselves or others.

Past Lives: Exploring flashbacks or reincarnation themes.

Letters and Holorecordings: Communicating through written or recorded messages.

Lighthearted and Whimsical

Mundane Adventures: Characters tackle everyday challenges (e.g., cooking, fixing a droid).

Unexpected Babysitting: Caring for a child or youngling in humorous or heartwarming ways.

Festival or Celebration: Participating in a holiday or local tradition.

Animal Companion: Bonding with a creature, whether friendly or ferocious.

Whump, Survival, and Isolation

Crash Landing: Stranded on a remote planet and working together to survive.

Quarantine: Stuck in close quarters due to illness or contamination.

Lost and Found: A character presumed dead is discovered alive.

Weather Woes: Trapped in extreme conditions like sandstorms or blizzards.

Injured and Alone: A character survives despite grave injuries.

Captured by the Enemy: Psychological and physical struggles in captivity.

Lost in the Void: Stranded in space with dwindling supplies.

Dark Themes and Morality

Fall from Grace: A character descends into darkness or betrayal.

Redemption Arc: A path to atonement after a character’s mistakes.

Doppelgängers: Facing a duplicate or altered version of oneself.

Mind Games: Dealing with manipulation, brainwashing, or visions.

Rivalry to Respect: Enemies slowly come to admire each other, even if it is never made obvious.

Hidden Humanity: An evil character reveals an unexpected vulnerable side.

Villain Wins: A world where the antagonist succeeds

Jedi and Force Mysticism

Force Visions: Cryptic glimpses of the past, future, or alternate timelines.

Lost Holocrons: Discovering ancient Force teachings with unexpected consequences.

Gray Jedi Exploration: Balancing Light and Dark sides of the Force.

Force-Bonded Pairs: Two characters linked by an unexplainable Force connection.

Romantic Tropes

Fake Relationship: Pretending to be together for a mission or disguise.

Forbidden Love: Romance defying rules (e.g., Jedi Code).

Slow Burn: Long build-up to a romantic confession.

Accidental Confession: A slip of the tongue reveals feelings.

Mutual Pining: Both characters believe their feelings aren’t reciprocated.

Culture and Worldbuilding

Exploring Traditions: Delving into unique customs of a planet or species.

Language Barriers: Characters navigate miscommunication.

Rebuilding After Tragedy: A community recovers from devastation.

Artifact of Power: A relic tied to ancient Force-users that affects the story.

Undercover or Espionage

Royal Disguise: Pretending to be someone of lower rank.

Spy Among Us: A mole within a group creates tension.

Assassin’s Target: The assassin and their target form an uneasy alliance. Or things don't go as smoothly as planned.

Deep Cover: A character fully immerses themselves in enemy territory.

Legacy and Destiny

Reluctant Heir: Inheriting an unwanted responsibility.

Prophecy Fulfillment: Fulfilling a foretold destiny with unexpected twists.

Living in the Shadow: Struggling with the expectations tied to being a legendary figure.

Defying Fate: Challenging a preordained path.

Time and Memory

Amnesia: A character forgets their identity and rediscovers themselves.

Alternate Timelines: Characters glimpse or visit different timelines.

Time Loop: Reliving the same moment until a lesson is learned.

Memory Sharing: Using the Force or technology to experience someone else’s past.

Humor and Lighthearted Tropes

Miscommunication Comedy: A small misunderstanding snowballs into chaos.

Droid Antics: A droid takes center stage with humorous behavior.

Overwhelmed Jedi: A Jedi struggles with mundane tasks.

Space Road Trip: A long journey full of banter and mishaps.

Crossover or Genre Mashups

Horror Elements: Haunted ships, Sith ghosts, or terrifying creatures.

Political Thriller: Intrigue within the Senate or Rebellion leadership.

Western Style: Lone bounty hunters and shootouts.

Heist Story: A team plans and executes a complex theft.

Personal Journeys

Identity Crisis: A clone, droid, or Force-sensitive questions their place.

Self-Exile: A character retreats from society and finds company.

Reunion Story: A long-lost character is reunited with friends or family.

Breaking the Code: A Jedi defies their teachings.

Battle and Combat

Last Stand: Characters make a desperate final stand.

Truce on the Battlefield: Enemies must work together.

Training Montage: A character hones their skills under a mentor.

Reluctant Fighter: A pacifist is forced into action.

Miscellaneous

Holovid Star: A character accidentally becomes famous.

Unlikely Hero: An everyday character rises to the occasion.

Force Ghost Encounters: Guidance or conflict from beyond the grave.

Lost Artifact: Recovering an item of immense value.

Clone Troopers

Identity and Brotherhood

Individuality vs. Unity: A clone struggles with being one among many.

Nicknames and Call Signs: The personal stories behind a clone's name.

Brother’s Keeper: A clone sacrifices everything to protect their brothers.

Clone-Centric POV: The galaxy through the eyes of a clone.

Post-Order 66

After the Fall: A clone wrestles with guilt over Order 66.

Defying the Programming: A clone resists the inhibitor chip’s control.

Living on the Run: A clone deserter avoids detection.

Reunion with the Jedi: An unexpected meeting with a Jedi they thought dead.

Training and Battle Bonds

Rookie Struggles: A young clone's first mission.

Veteran’s Wisdom: An experienced clone mentors a new recruit.

Unlikely Alliance: A clone teams up with an enemy.

One Last Mission: A retired clone is called back for a critical task.

Clone-Specific Dynamics

Armor Customization: The personal meaning behind a clone’s armor.

Dealing with Loss: Coping with the death of a brother.

Echoes of Kamino: Reflecting on their training and origins.

Enhanced Abilities: A clone with unique genetic traits.

AU and Alternate Scenarios

Rebel Clones: Exploring a timeline where clones joined the Rebellion.

Post-War Integration: How clones navigate a galaxy that no longer needs them.

Clone Defector: A clone switches sides to fight for the Separatists.

Found Family: A lone clone builds a new "family."

Sith and Dark-Siders

Rise to Power

Apprentice’s Betrayal: A Sith apprentice rises against their master.

Seduction to the Dark Side: A Jedi succumbs to the Dark Side’s temptations.

Master Manipulator: A Sith orchestrates events from the shadows.

Artifact of Power: A dark relic amplifies a Sith’s abilities.

Conflict with the Light

Pull to the Light: A Sith struggles with feelings of compassion or guilt.

Jedi-Sith Bond: A Force bond forces uneasy cooperation.

Redeeming the Sith: Can a Sith truly abandon their path?

Forbidden Alliance: A Sith and Jedi work together despite their differences.

Dark-Side Mysticism

Sith Spirits: Encountering the ghost of an ancient Sith Lord.

Dark-Side Nexus: Exploring places saturated with the Dark Side.

Bloodlines of Power: A Sith discovers their lineage ties to a legendary figure.

The Holocron’s Secrets: A Sith Holocron offers knowledge at a cost.

Sith Philosophy

Rule of Two: A Sith duo’s balance of power and betrayal.

Power at a Price: A Sith sacrifices something personal for ultimate power.

Survival of the Fittest: Infighting among Sith apprentices.

Eternal Struggle: A Sith sees their existence as a battle for dominance.

Redemption or Corruption

A Sith’s Redemption: A Sith struggles to redeem themselves.

Corruption of the Pure: A Sith manipulates someone to embrace the Dark Side.

Turncoat Apprentice: A Sith apprentice secretly undermines their master.

Moral Ambiguity: A Sith challenges the notions of good and evil.

Unique Sith Abilities

Force Alchemy: Experiments to create monstrous creatures.

Illusions of Terror: Using the Force to project terrifying visions.

Lightning’s Wrath: Devastating Force lightning.

Blood Rituals: Ancient Sith rites to enhance power.

AU and Alternate Scenarios

Sith as Heroes: A Sith defends their people or fights a greater evil.

Jedi-Sith Swap: A Sith raised as a Jedi or vice versa.

Light-Side Sith: A Sith rejects the darkness but embraces the teachings.

What If: A timeline where the Sith rule the galaxy.

The Force

The Force Playing Matchmaker: Despite all reason and seeming logic, the Force wants two people together. It won't stop meddling until Its vision becomes a reality.

Spiritual Connection

Force Bond: Two characters share an unexplainable, deep connection that allows them to sense each other’s emotions, thoughts, or presence across great distances.

Shared Visions: Characters experience a Force vision together, revealing shared destinies or hidden truths.

Guided by the Force: A Jedi or Force-sensitive character interprets the Force as encouraging their relationship.

Opposites Drawn Together: The light and dark sides of the Force pull two characters toward each other, creating tension and mutual growth.

Meditation Partners: Two characters bond over meditative practices, learning to sync their energies and emotions.

Conflict and Struggles

The Burden of Knowledge: One character hides a devastating vision or premonition involving the other, creating tension in their bond.

Teaching the Force: A Force-sensitive character mentors someone who is new to their powers, deepening their connection through shared learning.

Moral Differences: Clashing interpretations of the Force (e.g., strict adherence to the Jedi Code versus emotional connection) challenge their relationship.

Force-Driven Jealousy: A character senses their partner’s lingering emotions toward someone else, creating conflict.

Healing and Support

Force Healing: A character saves their partner by channeling the Force to heal their injuries, creating an emotional and physical bond.

Force Meditation Therapy: Helping a partner process grief, guilt, or trauma through shared meditation and emotional support.

Force Awareness: A Jedi or Force-sensitive partner instinctively knows when their loved one is in distress, no matter the distance.

Strength in the Force: Two Force-users amplify each other’s abilities when they are together, creating a sense of unity and trust.

*verging nsfw Force Tropes

Intense Focus: The Force allows one character to focus solely on their partner’s well-being, whether during battle or in intimate encounters.

Dangerous Proximity: When trapped together or forced to rely on the Force for survival, their bond deepens emotionally and physically.

The Will of the Force: A relationship forms or is tested because they feel their union is destined—or forbidden—by the Force.

The Dark Side's Pull: One character’s struggle with the Dark Side adds tension, as the other seeks to save them from being consumed.

Shared Visions of the Future: Intimacy is driven by a mutual vision of a life together—one they believe the Force has promised them.

Apologies for any similarities – I tried to keep it nuanced.

[the-warmest-machine]

Neve and Lucanis, why they work as a pairing, and how their connecting point shows a major flaw in Rook’s character (that we already know)

There’s the surface level attraction between a jaded, hot detective and a troubled, sexy Spaniard (archetypes that attract us players, too!), but when it comes down to it, the Neve and Lucanis pairing really blossoms around shared pain, the most connecting area of common ground to bond over.

In a later paragraph, a specific spoiler will be referenced, so don’t read if you don’t like spoilers.

Neve even says as much in a conversation with Taash: “We’ve both had our share of, well, pain, if I want to be dramatic. And reasons not to show it. So it’s cautious. Slow.”

There’s a sprinkle of survivor’s guilt—your city survived, mine didn’t, and I see what happened to your city that could’ve happened to mine. I’m going to spend time with you for solidarity… which at some point becomes a form of aftercare, in the late hours of no sleep, tired eyes… and tired walls. These late hours lead to loose lips. And each passing night of visits, both let a little more personal information slip. Easy stuff at first—the love of their cities, the trials faced during civil reparations, a stolen future they have to navigate anew. Then it gets deeper, more personable.

They share a wealth of family trauma. Neve is more or less estranged from her family, save for her uncle and maybe a few more (who, even then, she doesn’t keep close touch with). They used her to climb the social ladder and only cared for their own skin, not for Neve. She is one mage in a line of Templars; she was the prodigy burdened with expectations and shown her needs didn’t matter. And Lucanis? Oh, how well he can relate to that. Another prodigy child, burdened with expectations, told how and who to be. Only, he has forged strong familial bonds, even if they’re a lost cause (looking at you Illario). That’s something I surmise Neve would admire and envy, and also find fascinating.

Then there’s the crippling fear they will get the ones they love hurt. Neve’s demons are manifested as blood mages and whatever dirt she tracks from sideways jobs. Lucanis has a spirit whom he believes is a literal demon, and I would guess there are countless contracts on him as well. They both stand in the crossfire and can make sense of each other’s fear on an experiential level.

Bonding over a tarnished city, family trauma, and shared fear is just the tip of the iceberg. Imagine everything underneath. They share so much pain, and in turn, so much vulnerability. Vulnerability is where people feel most seen, understood, and accepted. So yes, Neve and Lucanis work as a pairing. They are kindred spirits; they share depths of pain.

And that’s a major flaw in Rook—a lack of depth, which really comes from writers not allowing them to express pain or share the horrors of their past in a fleshed out, well-paced manner. Even in Neve’s romance, it’s about Rook constantly affirming to her “I’m here for you. I’ll stick.” There would be better connecting moments showing progression between Rook and Neve if Rook had been vulnerable. But Rook isn’t.

Yes, Rook is written to be a castle, to stand strong against all odds. They are a leader of convenience who is now trying to prove their worth, give their team absolute conviction that they can win. And the kicker? The only confidant Rook is given is a manipulative bastard and the apparition that manipulative bastard created.

Rook is shoehorned into a one-dimensional Herculean figure, and the game treats this like a reasonable decision—and that’s just it. Keeping Rook from confiding in their romance or the team wasn’t made to be reasonable. Keeping Rook’s pain to themselves was for the sake of the Varric plot twist, which doesn’t work well narratively speaking.

The emotional depth that Rook’s missing is something Neve and Lucanis have as a pair. Whether someone agrees with their relationship or not, they do have a foundation for their romance. Something as connecting as pain is undeniable, and I wish Rook had been allowed to explore their pain.

And on the shallowest level of why Neve and Lucanis work: NPC romance. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[merwgue]

In A Court of Mist and Fury (ACOMAF), Feyre and Tamlin’s relationship disintegrates, and many fans are quick to place blame entirely on one or the other. Some see Tamlin as the villain—overbearing, controlling, and dismissive of Feyre’s needs. Others view Feyre as the one in the wrong, shutting down emotionally, and failing to give Tamlin a chance to understand her. But the truth is, both Feyre and Tamlin were in the wrong, and neither can be fully blamed for their relationship’s collapse. Why? Because they were both navigating the deep, complex waters of trauma. And trauma doesn’t just break people—it breaks communication, relationships, and trust.

Tysm for @extremely-judgemental for allowing me to post this, even though its been a work in progress for 2 days, I'm extremely grateful that they allowed me to take inspiration and use there post as a guide!!

The Silent Pact: Avoiding the Pain

Feyre and Tamlin's relationship post-Under the Mountain is one that’s built on a foundation of avoidance. After the trauma they both endured at the hands of Amarantha, they fall into a silent agreement not to discuss what happened. At first glance, this seems like an obvious red flag—after all, how can a couple move forward without addressing the deep emotional wounds they both carry? But in reality, avoidance of trauma isn’t a flaw exclusive to Tamlin or Feyre—it’s a very human reaction to extreme pain.

Psychologically, avoidance is one of the most common coping mechanisms for trauma survivors. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), avoidance is a key symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Survivors avoid thoughts, memories, and discussions that remind them of their trauma because it’s too painful to confront. In Feyre and Tamlin’s case, talking about what happened Under the Mountain would mean reopening wounds that were still raw. Tamlin is a High Lord, a man who feels responsible for everyone, and his inability to protect Feyre still haunts him. For Feyre, she’s dealing with not only the trauma of her own experiences but the guilt of the lives she took.

It’s easy to sit back and say, “Well, they should have talked about it,” but if we’re being realistic, many of us avoid difficult conversations about our own emotions and pain, especially with those we love most. Trauma survivors often feel that talking about their pain will burden others or that they’ll be seen as weak for struggling to cope. In relationships, this can create a wall between partners who are both silently suffering, as neither wants to “break” the other with their vulnerability.

The Psychological Cost of Silence

Tamlin and Feyre’s mutual avoidance wasn’t about not caring—it was about protecting themselves from further pain. Dr. Judith Herman, a renowned expert on trauma recovery, explains in her book Trauma and Recovery that trauma survivors often experience a “double-edged sword” of wanting to connect with others but fearing the vulnerability that comes with opening up. Tamlin, as High Lord, is burdened with the expectation to be strong and unbreakable. He can’t afford to show his weakness, not to Feyre, not to his court. He believes that if he holds everything together, he can fix what’s broken. Feyre, on the other hand, feels emotionally and physically depleted. She can’t summon the energy to reach out, and the more isolated she feels, the more she retreats.

Dr. Herman also notes that trauma can cause survivors to feel alienated from others, even those they love. This is exactly what happens to Feyre—she feels like she’s drowning in her own despair, and instead of being able to share that with Tamlin, she perceives his actions as controlling and suffocating. To Feyre, Tamlin’s need to protect her feels like a cage, not comfort. She becomes emotionally numb, which is another common symptom of trauma survivors. According to the National Center for PTSD, emotional numbness, or feeling “shut down,” is a way for trauma survivors to protect themselves from being overwhelmed by their feelings.

Tamlin: The Strong Protector, Who Never Heals

On the surface, Tamlin seems like the “strong” one in the relationship. He’s the High Lord, after all, and High Lords don’t fall apart. But beneath that strength is a man who’s been shattered by his own trauma and guilt. Tamlin failed to protect Feyre Under the Mountain, and that failure haunts him. In his mind, the only way to keep her safe is to control her environment. He barricades her inside his estate, thinking that if she’s sheltered, nothing can hurt her.

But what Tamlin doesn’t realize is that his overprotectiveness isn’t strength—it’s fear. Fear of losing her again. Fear of failing again. And fear of facing his own trauma. This isn’t unique to Tamlin; many trauma survivors, particularly men, fall into the trap of thinking they need to be invulnerable to protect their loved ones. Dr. Terrence Real, a therapist specializing in male depression, explains that men are often conditioned to believe they must be the “fixers” in relationships. When they can’t fix the problem, they feel powerless, and that powerlessness turns into control as they try to manage their environment instead of addressing their emotional wounds.

Tamlin’s way of coping is to be the protector at all costs, but in doing so, he isolates himself from Feyre’s emotional needs. His controlling behavior isn’t about dominance—it’s about shielding himself from the fear of another failure. Research shows that controlling behavior in relationships is often rooted in anxiety and a fear of abandonment (Simpson et al., 2017). In trying to keep Feyre safe, Tamlin inadvertently builds a prison around her, and that isolation becomes unbearable for her.

Feyre: The Self-Destructive Survivor

Feyre, on the other hand, is falling apart in silence. She’s lost, broken, and burdened by the trauma of her experiences and the lives she took Under the Mountain. Yet, she doesn’t know how to express that pain, especially to Tamlin. Psychologist Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, in his book The Body Keeps the Score, emphasizes that trauma survivors often feel disconnected from their bodies and emotions. They may become passive or disengaged, unable to articulate what they need. For Feyre, this is exactly what happens—she feels hollow, empty, and disconnected from herself, so she withdraws from Tamlin. Instead of sharing her pain, she self-destructs. The nightmares, the apathy, the loss of interest in the things she once loved—it’s all part of the trauma she hasn’t processed.

Research into PTSD and depression shows that survivors often feel a profound sense of isolation, even when surrounded by loved ones (National Institute of Mental Health, 2021). They may believe that no one can understand what they’ve been through, or worse, that no one cares. Feyre falls into this trap—she interprets Tamlin’s controlling behavior as indifference to her emotional needs when, in reality, it’s his misguided attempt to protect her.

The Insecurity and Breakdown of Their Relationship

At the core of Feyre and Tamlin’s relationship is deep insecurity. Tamlin is insecure because of his failure to protect Feyre, and Feyre is insecure because she feels like a burden. Neither of them feels safe enough to admit that they’re struggling, and so they continue to put on masks for each other. Tamlin pretends to be strong, while Feyre pretends she can handle it all on her own.

Their avoidance of the issue and failure to communicate lead to the mutual destruction of their relationship. This isn’t because one of them was “right” and the other was “wrong”—they were both struggling with unprocessed trauma. According to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, one of the keys to a successful relationship is the ability to repair conflicts through open communication. When couples avoid discussing their pain, resentment builds, and the relationship begins to fracture.

But for trauma survivors like Feyre and Tamlin, communication isn’t as simple as sitting down and having a conversation. Trauma creates emotional barriers that make it difficult to open up, even to those we love most. This is why Feyre’s resentment toward Tamlin grows, and why Tamlin becomes increasingly controlling—they’re both reacting to their trauma in ways that only push each other further away.

Conclusion: No True Villains, Just Trauma

So, can we truly blame either Feyre or Tamlin for the collapse of their relationship? In reality, they were both victims of their trauma, and they both failed each other because they couldn’t face it. Their silence wasn’t malicious, and their emotional distance wasn’t about a lack of love. It was about fear—fear of reopening wounds, fear of being vulnerable, and fear of losing the other person.

In the end, both Feyre and Tamlin’s coping mechanisms—whether it was Tamlin’s control or Feyre’s withdrawal—were their ways of surviving. It’s easy to say they should have communicated, but as we’ve seen, trauma complicates everything. Both were struggling to keep their heads above water, and unfortunately, neither of them could see the other drowning.

Here are some quotes from books I've done my research on!! I wanted to make sure my arguments were as clean and precise because mental health Is not something you half ass

1. On Trauma and Avoidance:

Judith Herman, "Trauma and Recovery":

"Trauma isolates; the words and feelings associated with it often remain unspoken. Survivors find it difficult to share their experiences with others because talking about the trauma seems like a betrayal of the self."

Bessel van der Kolk, "The Body Keeps the Score":

"Trauma by nature drives us to the edge of comprehension, cutting us off from language based on common experience or an imaginable past... It is as if time stops, and we are trapped in a perpetual state of helplessness."

2. On Emotional Numbing:

Bessel van der Kolk:

"Many traumatized people seem to shut down emotionally. As long as they are not being confronted with their trauma, they function relatively well. But as soon as something reminds them of the past, they may become helpless, upset, or furious."

Feyre’s emotional shutdown and numbness, post-trauma, is a common response for trauma survivors. Her inability to connect emotionally with Tamlin can be seen as a coping mechanism to avoid pain.

3. On Controlling Behavior as a Response to Anxiety:

Simpson et al. (2017), Journal of Personality and Social Psychology:

"Individuals with a high need for control often display overbearing or controlling behaviors in relationships as a way to reduce their own internal anxiety. This behavior often stems from feelings of powerlessness or fear of failure."

This aligns with Tamlin’s overprotective behavior toward Feyre, not as a way to dominate but to manage his own anxieties about failing her again.

4. On Insecure Relationships and Trauma:

Dr. Terrence Real, "I Don't Want to Talk About It":

"Men are often taught that emotional vulnerability is a weakness. As a result, many men struggle with expressing their pain or discussing their emotional needs, which can lead to controlling or distant behaviors in relationships."

Tamlin’s desire to protect Feyre without acknowledging his own emotional needs fits into this psychological framework. His need to appear strong likely prevented him from admitting his own trauma.

5. On Communication Breakdown in Trauma Survivors:

John Gottman, "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work":

"When couples avoid difficult conversations, the issue doesn’t go away—it festers and can lead to increased resentment. Open, honest communication, even when difficult, is necessary for a relationship to thrive, especially in times of emotional distress."

This quote highlights why the breakdown between Feyre and Tamlin happened. By avoiding discussions about their trauma, they allowed distance and resentment to grow.

6. On the Difficulty of Vulnerability:

Brené Brown, "Daring Greatly":

"Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive."

Both Feyre and Tamlin were afraid of vulnerability, thinking it would expose their weaknesses rather than heal their bond. This is part of why their relationship fell apart.

7. On Emotional Isolation Post-Trauma:

National Institute of Mental Health, PTSD Fact Sheet:

"Trauma survivors may feel detached or estranged from others. They may avoid close relationships or feel emotionally numb, which can make it difficult to connect with loved ones."

This highlights how Feyre, in particular, felt emotionally detached and distanced herself from Tamlin, contributing to the breakdown of their relationship.

8. On Mutual Coping with Trauma in Relationships:

Susan M. Johnson, "Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love":

"Trauma survivors in relationships often either withdraw or become overly controlling as a way to manage their overwhelming emotions. Without understanding this cycle, couples can become trapped in mutual avoidance."

This captures the essence of Feyre and Tamlin’s post-trauma dynamic—Feyre withdrawing emotionally and Tamlin becoming more controlling, both as coping mechanisms to deal with their trauma.

This was genuinely one of the hardest essay arguments I've written, I've spent 2 days writing this, that's why I didn't post anything these past few days. I hope this was precise enough and of course If you have anything to add don't hesitate to tell me! Thank you!!💞

[daylighteclipsed]

What's it about cloti that you like? I'm curious, bc we otherwise tend to ship the same things. I love both cloud and tifa, and they have some cute scenes, but I don't feel it with them. Idk if it's because of the truly awful shippers, or something else. For me it feels like sokai in kh 1, I see why ppl ship them and that the narrative is pushing for them to be together, but i don't really care about that aspect of their relationship. Your answer doesn't have to be elaborate or anything, it's genuinely only curiosity on my part. Other than that, how do you like rebirth so far? I know some ppl dropped it pretty fast, bc they didn't like the crazy amount of mini games. Which I get, bc some of them were a hassle, but all in all i still had fun.

Short answer: I really like their individual characters and their complicated friendship and past that Rebirth starts delving more into, and that’s made me warm up very quickly to the romance between them.

Long answer: Cloud and Tifa’s dynamic is so interesting to me in Rebirth. I feel like the game does a good job of pulling back the curtain on a relationship that up to this point has been summed up as “childhood friends” to reveal how much more complicated it is than that. Imo, these are two people who have always yearned to know each other but never really have. They were friendly when they were very young, it seems, like under the age of 7. Then, Cloud started pulling away, and Tifa has never understood why. And they haven’t been able to really reconnect since then, made all the more difficult by Sephiroth and Shinra.

FF7 pushes romantic angles with both Tifa and Aerith, which I don’t really love tbh. I do wish it was a little more toned down and optional. But I really like the sense of yearning and desire to connect that threads Cloud and Tifa’s entire relationship — and the consistent symbolism of reaching for each other, trying to bridge that physical and emotional gap between them (usually when one is about to literally or figuratively fall), that goes with it. I like watching them bond and get to know each other now, so many years later, as best as they can (considering Cloud’s memories and sense of self are all screwed up), while navigating the unique trauma of being two of the only survivors of the massacre of their village. I like their mutual support, how they take turns supporting/grounding/saving each other.

I like that memories play such a big role, that they both have precious memories of each other that are key to who they are and which no one else knows. Fucking love when Tifa falls into the Lifestream and she realizes Cloud tried to save her from crossing the metaphorical bridge of death/falling when they were kids, and you see how much the past seems to parallel the present with their roles reversed this time. I want to see the whole memory so much. I don’t know if we ever will, but man. I really feel like even if Cloud couldn’t stop Tifa from falling, he must’ve saved her from drowning. There’s a river below that bridge, right? She hit her head and presumably passed out — someone had to keep her head above water, and he was the only one there because he refused to abandon her… I think, metaphorically, that’s pretty much what’s gonna happen in the game. I don’t think Tifa is gonna be able to catch Cloud from falling, but I think she’s gonna hold his head above water when they hit the bottom.

Sorry, I’ve been thinking about this part so much shsbdbsbs I just feel like it’s so interesting and crucial to the story. I think it really helps Tifa understand what’s going on with Cloud and Sephiroth on a level the others don’t. She’s much more conscious of Cloud’s behavior and notices the distinctions between Cloud and Sephiroth. She’s usually the first to notice when something’s not right and intervene.

I like that Tifa is established as the truth to Sephiroth’s lies and the one who can kinda “wake” Cloud up because, unlike everyone else, Tifa was there when Sephiroth (and Zack and Cloud) came to town and Tifa has seen what Cloud was like before the Jenova cells/false persona (even if she’s never been able to fully understand him). She’s the only one stopping Cloud from losing complete touch with reality, which is why Sephiroth is trying to undermine her credibility and eliminate her.

Like it’s really obvious, to me, that if Cloud and Tifa could properly reconnect by finally understanding the past and each other, Sephiroth’s manipulation wouldn’t work. Like, you know in the Loveless play how the bad guy’s weakness is true love. And then the hero (Cloud) and whoever is playing the princess (I had Tifa) try to declare their love, and it doesn’t work. The bad guy just laughs and says their love is an illusion or whatever? That’s what’s going on in the game, I think. I do think they love each other, but they don’t understand each other yet, Cloud isn’t even sure who he is, his identity is scrambled eggs, so it’s not a complete or true love. They have to bridge that gap, discover the truth and really meet. You know what I mean?

I still haven’t talked about the actual romantic stuff fbdbdbsbe I’m sorry, romance is usually always secondary to me. Um. I like that Cloud initiates a lot of those intimate moments with Tifa. Other people usually invade his space and make him uncomfortable. But Tifa’s patient with him and doesn’t pressure him. He reaches out to hold her hand and hug her and stuff. He opens up to her about his doubts and fears. It’s sweet how bashful they are, how realistically awkward they are sometimes. Yeah, idk, I just think they’re neat. I want them to understand each other, finally like really know each other, and I like when they hold hands.

As for how I’m enjoying Rebirth as a game (as someone who has never played the og FF7): I’m really loving it. I think it’s so much more fun and interesting than Remake. Love the open world, the different regions, the exploration, side quests, party bonding and banter, chocobos, whatever tf is going on with those protorelics and the Queen’s Blood creator, the battle challenges, Chadley (I know he was in Remake, but I grew more attached to him in this game), the return of other old NPCs, the new ones, the fun silly stuff like the segways in Costa del Sol. Rebirth fleshes the whole world and characters out, and I’m never bored. I have very little complaints. If it sticks the landing, it might be one of my favorite video games. Rip to the mini game haters, but I’m different. (Except the piano. The piano can go fuck itself.)

[natdeviantrat]

s2e6 thoughts cause i'm

poor armand the plotting happening right in front of his face again and he's trying to catch on but they're gaslighting him to the moon and back

ajskw;i take off your clothes with vampires right outside the door that has to be considered willful exhibitionism... not that i'm complaining

of course they have to get rid of claudia, she's the only one who sees through louis' bs and calls him out to his face

i love a man trying to tell a woman what they don't know and utterly failing

fuck yes, they kept it,, armand the offspring-less elder (daniel his first ever fledging!!) that - armand's refusal to turn anyone, and eventual giving in only bc he couldn't let daniel go - was my favorite piece of devil's minion. it says so much about armand's experience and perception of vampirism that he's the only one we've met who is so entirely repulsed, eternally uninterested, in siring in another. and it's still one of the few things we have about him rather than him in terms of his relationships

i did not think they'd actually go all in on the maitre thing, guess i should learn to have better faith in this show. it's such a dynamic, louis' handling of armand, armand's trauma showing through, his floundering and being the one to (in lestat's words) doom them. i want to know every single detail of how this evolved into the brittle equilibrium they're trying to hold together in present day

something something claudia a fighter, louis a lover, armand a survivor

armand navigates these arguments so well, coming out on top even with them ganging up on him, bc he holds himself together so tightly

that scene with them as a family, what it could have been, leading directly into the betrayal... they set that up as a punch to the gut it hurtss

i just have to say armand, my beloved, you little bitch

and he's hereeee

[gatheredfates]

ALAICE DEVERAUX

Nicknames: Not applicable. Age: Twenty-one. Nameday: Twenty-Seventh Sun of the First Astral Moon (apparently I gave her my birthday, so that might change!) Race: Duskwight Elezen. Gender: Cis female. Orientation: Straight? Profession: Lady of the House of Deveraux and Dubois, last remaining survivor after the Dragonsong War; apprentice baker and occasional confidant to Firelight Trading Company.

PHYSICAL ASPECTS

Hair: A light blue, leaning more into teal. She tends to style it in loose curls around her shoulders. Eyes: She is heterochromatic! One eye is teal, the other is a steel grey. Skin: Pale with a silvery undertone; it tends to reflect whatever light hits it, rather than possessing it's own distinct colour. Tattoos/Scars: None of any note.

FAMILY

Parents: Lord and Lady Deveraux, dead by Alaice's sixteenth year. It is said that Lord Deveraux attempted to defend his wife from the dragons before he was engulfed in flames. No remains of her mother have been found. Siblings: Not applicable. Grandparents: Not applicable, more unfortunate souls lost to the war. In-Laws and Others: Alaice has a child from her first marriage, a daughter called Alyna. Her husband, Draeir Dubois, died under mysterious circumstances in the months preceding the Ishgardian/Dragon peace treaty, bringing no end of speculation from gentry and smallfolk alike. Some suspect his desire to expand his house beyond Foundation's spires drew ire from the High Houses and he was made an example of. Others suspect a more... intimate cause. Without a murder weapon or obvious intent, none can deduce a proper suspect.

She is particularly close to @riftdancing's Siyoh Mari who, whilst not understanding a lick of Ishgardian gossip, will happily entertain the confusion over a cup of tea as Alaice dramatizes. This leagues better than Elandervier who told her she'd 'rather chew on a voidsent's ass' and leaves at the very mention of anything to do with the city. She has an extremely complicated relationship with the other Elezen due to their mutual upbringings, trauma and reconciliation.

When Firelight is conducting business in Ishgard, she can be seen at its patriarch's side helping him navigate the intricacies of the city. Pets: Unless you count the many birds that have taken residence in her gardens, not applicable.

SKILLS

Abilities: Alaice is ice-aspected to a dangerous degree, and it's an element she has always tried to keep under wraps for fear of heresy and expulsion from the Holy See. As a result, the magic is unpredictable and emerges as a by-product of extreme situations/emotions. Only a select few people know she possesses such an ability. Hobbies: Like all ladies of her standing, Alaice was given a proper education including tutelage in deportment; music, song and dance; needlework and painting — among other gentle pursuits. She has a particular affinity for bird watching and, in the advent of her husband's death, has sunk herself readily into her little business as a baker.

TRAITS

Most positive trait: Alaice possesses a remarkable capacity for trust despite her confinement and husband's abuse. Worst negative trait: Her naïvety. As a woman constricted by the societal expectations of Ishgardian women, Alaice knows scarce little about the world around her — or even Ishgard proper. It is something she is working constantly to undo.

LIKES

Colours: Blue, white, silver, gold and shades of brown. However, given Ishgard's proclivity to the cold, any colour that can break through the sheen of snow is a welcomed addition in her eyes. Smells: Anything floral and/or citrus. These are not necessarily smells she will wear, but remind her of a time before the Calamity when the climate of Ishgard was better suited. She's also partial to vanilla, almond and loves the smell of rain. Textures: Knitted wool and smooth glass (or ice, though she tries not to think too much about it), the gentle prick of pine and the grooves in wood and stone. Drinks: Champagne, white wine and mead. She's also discovering some enjoyment of red wine, stay tuned if she gets more extreme!

OTHER DETAILS

Smokes: Rarely. She smoked recreationally after her parents died, a sort of 'dare' from the other ladies in her company, and took it up in secret as a way to release anxiety in the early days of her marriage — away from the prying eyes of her husband. Alaice quit after becoming pregnant with Alyna and hasn't taken it back up due to associating it with those negative experiences. Drinks: Semi-regularly. Much like smoking, she quit entirely when she got pregnant and tends to only partake as a social nicety. She can acknowledge where she was falling into unhealthy patterns when she was married and tries not to go back to those places. Drugs: Not applicable. Mount Issuance: Not applicable. Alaice was fed on the indoctrination by her husband that is not a lady's place to traverse, but that men should come to her. If she is needed for Firelight Business she will be escorted by their couriers, but she has no vehicle of her own. Been Arrested: No. Being a suspect was traumatic enough. Why would she kill her lord husband?

Tagged by: @eriyu — at least for this one! I'm going to try and do one character per tag. Tagging: @thefreelanceangel, @hythlodaes, @piyopikamika, @sealrock, @thevikingwoman & @yloiseconeillants! If you'd like a chance of being tagged, you can like my permanent interaction call here!

[tweedledumandtweedlebum]

I just can't stop thinking about what an EE writer has recently posted online about current storylines. If I remember correctly, he claimed they're working hard to keep the show fresh and relevant - or something along those lines.

Therefore, I should assume they will soon get rid of Ballum (well... they have been in the process of making them irrelevant for quite some time now, actually) because the novelty has worn off and the audience can no longer relate to them or their relationship.

I can't even find the words to express how insulting that statement sounds to me.

They're telling me that the ordeal of an SA survivor - a male survivor at that - getting professional help, learning to accept and live with his trauma - and possibly getting justice, one day - would be of no interest to the audience.

They're telling me that said survivor and his husband (who loves him unconditionally) endeavoring to overcome their intimacy issues and slowly rebuilding their physical connection, despite inevitable triggers and setbacks, would be in no way relevant to viewers.

They're telling me that watching these two husbands raise THEIR(!) motherless daughter and navigate through the troubled waters of teenage life, helping her develop her potential, always supporting her despite their own personal struggles, possibly arguing because of different parenting styles, would not resonate with anybody in the public.

They want me to believe that nobody would relate to a young man struggling with an eating disorder (but willing to do whatever it takes to get better) who is currently in therapy, and who is inevitably faced with issues such as lack of control, anxiety, feelings of shame and guilt.

They are seriously stating that they don't know what to do with a character who's a detective, somebody who could provide endless opportunities to explore the social/economic/cultural roots of a number of common offences (and a sensitive, kind-hearted copper, who would empathise with at least some of the offenders, and thus feel conflicted about his job).

So, I'm confused..., what exactly is considered 'fresh and relevant' in their universe?

[bg3ficreviews]

'Too Many Burdens to Bear' - #BG3 FanFic Review

Re-posted with the permission of the review author, @mishtress.

Friends, I bring you a review of a fanfic that I hold very close to my heart, and written by a very dear friend.

Too Many Burdens to Bear is an in-depth, insightful exploration of what it means to be a survivor of sexual violence and trauma. In it, @autistichalsin explores the toll that profound, untreated trauma can have on not just the psyche of a survivor, but also those who love them most. The story is centred around Halsin Silverbough, the once Archdruid of the Emerald Grove, and his lover and partner Kiaran, himself a victim of profound trauma as a result of his Bhaalspawn lineage, in a post-canon setting.

Burdens is a difficult, heavy read, and not for the faint of heart. That said, the way the author has navigated the deep complexities of trauma - not just for Halsin, but Kiaran as well - is a masterwork that few writers will ever achieve in their lifetime. I review books professionally as a journalist. I have studied works like JM Coetzee's award-winning novel Disgrace at length in an academic, university setting for a number of years. Coetzee won a number of awards for Disgrace, which also explores sexual violence. And yet, Coetzee's work cannot begin to even hope to compare to the nuanced, trauma-sensitive and profoundly compassionate narrative and story that autistichalsin had embarked upon in Burdens.

Shame is a prominent theme in Burdens as Kiaran tries to help Halsin overcome his profound sense of shame after his years held in captivity as a sex slave in the Underdark. Halsin's traumatic experiences are triggered after a horrifying encounter with someone from his past, and his anger, fear, and self-isolation in response threatens to destroy the couple. And yet, their love for one another and mutual trust perseveres through Halsin's pain as the couple try to find a way to help the former Archdruid find healing after centuries of repressing the most traumatic moments of his life.

Autistichalsin deftly, carefully, and compassionately explores the deep wounds that remain after sexual assault, with a particular focus on how such trauma can alter how survivors relate to sex, love, and romantic partners.

I have never, ever, in my entire life, read any work that so expertly navigates sexual violence, trauma, and the profound difficulties survivors must face on the path to healing, and particularly in relation to reclaiming their sexual agency. I have never before read a work that so insightfully examines the impact trauma can have on the mind of survivors, and how thoroughly and completely sexual violence can fuck up the way we think about ourselves and the world around us. I have worked in and researched the trauma field for a very, very long time (both academically, and in trying to understand my own experiences of sexual violence). There is not a single line, turn of phrase, or description of Halsin and Kiaran's experience that I could not somehow relate to or that I have not heard other survivors express over my many years - spanning more than a decade - working in this field.

This work deserves to be classed among the world's leading fiction that explores the vastly underrepresented field of recovery from sexual violence and how survivors strive to find healing and joy in sex after the most brutal and intimate of violations. As a rape and abuse survivor myself, I have found hope and healing in Burdens and the beautiful, loving and heartfelt relationship between Halsin and Kiaran. I hope other survivors find the same comfort that I have with this truly wonderful work.

As always, mind the tags on AO3, as Burdens includes heavy themes as well as NSFW elements. You can find Burdens here, and it is an ongoing work. I have included a snippet below the fold, and a picture of the husbear taken by @druidicwhisper.

Chapter 1

Halsin was hurting.

Kiaran wasn’t sure why- wasn’t sure what had happened. And he wasn’t sure how, or even if he could help. But the past few weeks, it had become glaringly clear that something was wrong. The elf loved to talk, and yet he had been so quiet, even when surrounded by the commune’s orphans. Even at night, when telling them their bedtime stories, he opted to read from a book instead of telling one of his own tales. And his voice was so distant while doing so, too, like he was going through the motions of reading while his mind was elsewhere.

If it was just that, Kiaran might have thought Halsin simply had a lot on his mind in this transitional time in their lives. They hadn’t been at their commune for too long, after all, and surely Halsin was thinking of many heavy things as they reclaimed the land that had spent the past century covered in shadow. But Halsin was distant from Kiaran, just as he was with the others: deliberately so. Kiaran could tell it was deliberate, for Halsin pulled away almost half the time Kiaran reached for him now. Even at night, in his meditations, Halsin would jolt when touched and then proceed to find somewhere else to rest, with a mumbled apology and a promise to find him later.

No, something else was clearly the matter, and Kiaran didn’t know what, nor did he know how to ask Halsin. True to form, his kind and supportive partner was all but unable to ask for help, no matter how much he needed it, and that went doubly so when those troubles were of the emotional sort. Halsin had admitted once to having gone for so long without confidantes thanks to the Shadow Curse that he was still adjusting to the idea it was possible for someone to care about his troubles.

Kiaran kept wracking his mind for an event that might have triggered such a reaction, but nothing came to him. Their lives had been blessedly quiet since arriving at the commune; their greatest worries were in blending the multiple cultures their members came from, in maintaining their food stores properly, and other such mundane issues. No longer were they balancing the world’s fate on their shoulders, or fighting to break a Shadow Curse, or doing anything that resembled the other traumas Halsin had fought against in his long life.

Unless…

Kiaran frowned suddenly. Could that be it? Maybe Halsin was so used to living one crisis after another that he was unprepared for true peace. Maybe his mind was still experiencing the tumult, even removed from the situation. After all, it wasn’t like the last century had been conducive to healing, and the idyllic calm would give his mind plenty of time to wander to those deep wounds that had never healed, only half-scabbed over.

Kiaran watched Halsin, currently in bear form, curl in on himself in the corner of their hand-built treehouse. It was only a theory, but it was the best lead he had, really. If it turned out to be something else, Kiaran might never figure out what it was unless Halsin volunteered the information himself, and that seemed highly unlikely, if Halsin hadn’t said anything already.

There was no way to find out but by talking to him, Kiaran supposed. He sighed and wandered over to Halsin’s spot, sitting next to the wildshaped cave bear and petting his fur. “Hello, love. Can we talk?” he asked softly. “I… won’t beat around the bush here, sweetheart. I’m worried about you. Very worried.”

Continued on AO3 here.