#trauma aftermath

[furiousgoldfish]

Which one of these are you vulnerable to?

(vulnerable as in, if it happens, you spiral into dark thoughts and you go to great lengths to avoid these)

Asking for help and getting rejected

Asking for help and being put in more danger

Having a friend lose interest in talking to you

Having a friend end the friendship because of something you did

Having a friend act toxic and abusive to you, because they want to end the friendship but don't want to be the one to call it

Having a friendship/relationship you didn't realize was one-sided until it abruptly ended

Confessing your crush and getting rejected

Confessing your crush and having them act disgusted

Having someone pretend to like you back, but they only want to keep you around because they like your attention, and you find out months later

Being discarded after you've invested a lot of energy and care into someone

Being ignored and treated as invisible by someone

Being ignored, treated invisible and judged by a group of people

Being criticized after you put a lot of energy into something

Being put down and told that you can't do anything right, after you put a lot of energy into something

Being yelled at for making a mistake

Being yelled at for getting hurt on accident

Being yelled at for hurting someone

Your friend not siding with you in an event of abuse, bullying or injustice

Your friend arguing that it's unfair of you to want them to take sides

Gathering courage to open up about abuse only for the listener to instinctively defend abusers, and put you down

Opening up about about only to have it downplayed and dismissed

Opening up about abuse and having the other person pass judgment on you

Other people acting like you're poison, dangerous, infectious and malicious

Other people acting like you're stupid, and don't understand your own life and situation

Other people acting like they would have no trouble in your place

Being perceived as a burden and a problem for everyone else

Being in a group where you feel like you're the only one who doesn't belong

Getting outcasted from a group because someone in there who hurt you made up rumors about you that everyone believed

[angelbvn]

REMEMBER PARENTS

THAT CHILDREN CAN BE QUITE FRAGILE

IN THEIR EARLY STAGES OF LIFE

THEY CAN

AND WILL

❌ REMEMBER EVERYTHING ❌

[laikacore]

terrified of a connection, terrified of care

i can’t get too close, you can’t like me that much

i am joyous and overflowing and a far away creature

i am out of reach, i do not pick up the phone

if i slow down i’ll fall and i know what follows

if i let you hold my lead i know what follows

i’ll laugh at your jokes, yes, i’ll hold a smile

i’ll come running, yes, i’ll be your dog

but don’t get thinking i’ll let you hold me close

i am a mouthful of teeth, whether i like it or not

i accept this with no dignity left in me

terrified of a connection, terrified of care

i don’t think you’ll stay but i won’t go anywhere

trained into it by laika wallace

[welcome-to-the-agender-agenda]

When you dream of being surprised with a loving hug from the back but in reality you're traumatised and that would bring back flashbacks not worth mentioning....

[xforeveralonerxx]

How do people fall in love after experiencing trauma? I'm genuinely curious.

I've been through too much and I'm working on myself to believe that I deserve love and to be loved.

Though, the fear that someone might hurt me again after all that I've been through. After dropping my walls and letting them in. After working so hard to heal myself which was and still is rough. It's terrifying.

How do you get over that feeling of impending doom? That feeling that is constantly telling you to stop anything that might give you joy because of the many possible dangers it could lead to. Most annoyingly, the nagging voice in your head that is so sure that everything will go downhill if you choose that path.

[lifeonkylesfarm]

Trauma made me angry. Trauma made me so depressed and suicidal that I'm lucky to be here. Trauma made me so afraid that I can't count how many times my body has shaken so violently I couldn't stand. Trauma made me so hateful and distrustful that I couldn't even see my friends as allies, because everyone was a threat to me. Trauma made me black out for hours at a time. Trauma ruins my sleep every night with the nightmares it gives me. Trauma made me not only mentally sick but physically sick, with even more chronic illness than I already had. Trauma ruined my life.

I calmed myself down. I kept myself alive. I take the fear and squash it in my palm like it is only an ant, every day, as best I can. I helped myself take chances and make relationships again. I brought myself back into reality and helped myself remember. I ground myself after every nightmare just so I can get out of bed and try to feel like a person. I march through the illness, holding myself up as best I can. I saved my life.

If you want to think your trauma happened for a reason, then, by all means, go ahead, but don't anyone dare try and tell me anything like that about mine.

It never should have happened to me, and it did not strengthen me. It made me weak. I made me strong.

If you hate hearing “everything happens for a reason”, that’s really valid. And I’m here to say that some things are fucked up and should never happen. You didn’t deserve it. It should have never happened to you.

[papastrawbeary]

CW concept of panic attacks, ptsd, and violence

Huevember 7- Red

Aenon is haunted by his past traumas and aggressions. Is he deserving of being a priest?

[threecutsproblem]

[EN]

I didn't have a childhood and yet I have this feeling that I can't grow up.

That doesn't make sense. I feel like I'm stuck in some kind of grey area. A sort of fog, a place that doesn't exist.

[FR]

J'ai pas eu d'enfance et pourtant j'ai cette impression/sensation/je-sais-pas-quoi de ne pas réussir à grandir.

Ça n'a aucun sens. J'ai l'impression d'être bloqué dans une zone grise. Une sorte de brouillard, une zone qui n'existe pas.

[fanfictasia]

Candlelight Chapter 3 - The Jedi Council, a star wars fanfic | FanFiction

Candlelight - Chapter 3 - The Jedi Council - Wattpad

[melblogsgfreethruptsd]

[furiousgoldfish]

I know scientifically, and reasonably, that isolation is a form of torture, but it's so hard to conceptualize it when it's so familiar and I've reached for it over and over again as a form of relief from the torture. Why am I longing for what others consider intolerable.

[angelbvn]

sometimes it feels like if i’m not constantly proving myself i’m not important and useless

[crazy-ache]

I think often about how in ACOTAR Book 1, Lucien Vanserra was ready to lay down his life for this human girl, Feyre Archeron. Again and again, he stuck his neck out there for her Under the Mountain and throughout the trials. While I do think it is a reflection of his loyalty to friends, his courage against the evil of Amarantha, and his honor for doing what is right…

I also think it was because of Tamlin. Because Lucien didn’t want the one friend who took him in after his darkest day—who helped save him from his family’s wrath and gave him a Court and a home—to watch the girl he loved be butchered cruelly because of who she was in relation to those in power. He didn’t want Tamlin to experience what he did with Jesminda.

The lesser fae and the mortal girl. Everything he did was for them.

For his friend with the stone heart to not break, just as his once did.

[happyfoxx-art]

Finally we can breathe....

PREV | NEXT | FIRST

[foundfamilywhump]

after the whump has ended, either an individual event or ongoing captivity or abuse, the whumpee is carrying a lot of damage. there’s physical damage of course but there’s also the trauma that’s taken away their sense of safety around other people. in their own body.

and they decide they want it back. they’ve found some kind of solid ground with barriers up, and the people who have been helping them recover are careful to respect those boundaries, but whumpee wants to try something different now. they want to try and get something back, at least one thing: the safe, comforting touch that whumper stole from them.

so they start trying to replace the traumatic associations with better ones, asking for caretaker(s) to help (either verbally or by silently, embarrassed, guiding caretaker’s hands to places they had earlier made clear they didn’t want to be touched).

and they start working to dull the traumatic associations with better ones. strong, protective hands cupping the back of their neck where whumper had choked them. gentle fingers stroking hair that whumper had yanked repeatedly. a firm, comforting touch rubbing their back, now scarred from a whip. holding the hand whumper broke. massaging shoulders that carry lingering pain from being kept in stress positions. an arm draped around them keeping them close after they’d been manhandled and physically forced where whumper wanted them to go or stay. sometimes they have to stop abruptly, get space to breathe rapidly and wait for their heart to slow, but it stops when they need it to. caretaker backs off, lets go. and it helps. slowly, it helps.

[thesummerstorms]

The gingerwort truffle tea hits Rook a lot harder as soon as it has time to enter her blood stream. Around the time she starts humming some Marcher drinking song in Assan's direction, Davrin ends up cutting the picnic short and taking her back to the Lighthouse.

He's a little guilty, sure. He'd meant to give Rook an opportunity to relax, not to put her out of her mind with a hallucinogenic tea. Still, he can't help but laugh a little, especially as Rook keeps trying to have friendly conversations with Assan and the passing Crossroads spirits the whole way home. Her words are growing more slurred, though, so he's glad they don't accidentally stumble on any Venatori or Antaam on the way.

Lucanis walks in to the library just as Davrin is trying to get Arsinoë to settle down on the library couch. He's dressed for a trip - back to Treviso maybe, Bellara had made a comment about spices that morning- but as soon as he spots Arsinoë, his steps falter.

Crows are a paranoid bunch, so Davrin is ready for questioning. Rook and Lucanis are both professional assassins. He knew as soon as he realized what was happening that he'd probably have to talk someone down, reassure them of his intent.

In fact , the general plan had been to find either Neve or Lucanis, explain what happened and throw Rook at them, then find a seat where he would still be able to watch out for her and make sure there weren't complications, but where he was also well out of "clinging" range. Rook's arm had been thrown around his shoulder a little more closely than necessary on the walk back.

What Davrin is not prepared for is how Rook's eyes go wide when she sees Lucanis. The way she immediately stops trying to baby-talk Assan and grows pale and quiet. The crack in her voice when she blurts out- "Please don't tell Viago. Lucanis, please."

Davrin has seen frozen rivers warmer than the sensation that shoots down his spine. Rook's tone... This isn't some recruit embarrassed about being scolded. Her shoulders shake slightly beneath Davrin's hand. Assan lets out a little distressed chirp and rubs against her leg, but for once Arsinoë doesn't respond.

"I knew what was in the cup before I drank it, I promise. Don't tell Viago."

Lucanis's face has twisted up and, really, it isn't exactly a secret that he's sweet on Rook. Davrin is expecting to see his own horror mirrored back at him. A snarl, maybe, if anger draws Spite too close to the surface.

Instead Lucanis sighs. Not a flash of violet or a hostile glare thrown Davrin's way or a flinch away from Rook's pleading expression. Just a sigh.

Resignation, Davrin realizes.

Lucanis moves forward, crouching beside the sofa and ignoring Davrin entirely now as he speaks softly in Antivan. Davrin doesn't catch any of it except for "de Riva" but Rook is arguing back in the same language, so it doesn't seem to be having much effect. She keeps repeating herself - "por favor", he knows that one too- and if he were a betting man Davrin would put money on it being more or less the same refrain as what she said in Trade.

Rook leans forward earnestly, big grey eyes and too wide pupils. Lucanis asks her a question, his tone gone coaxing, and she shakes her head. Then he stands up and Rook puts her head in her hands.

"Hey, listen-" Davrin says tamping down the nervous twitch in his hand before he can reach before his sword. He steps in front of Lucanis instead, because whatever Rook is so worried about, he was the one who thought this whole mess would be a good idea. "Lucanis, it was just a tea. Rook's just having a bad reaction. Why does she keep asking –"

"Not now," Lucanis growls, gesturing with a short jut of his chin back in Rook's direction. "Ask later. Not now."

And okay, Davrin can understand that. If Arsinoë is this freaked out, no point in spooking her further. But he still doesn't understand why Lucanis is leaving, walking out the double doors of the main building and back out into the courtyard. Davrin trusts himself, sure, but Lucanis doesn't feel the same way, historically speaking. Yet he's walking away?

Arsinoë doesn't notice, all her earlier mirth evaporated like the morning dew. Assan is still making little worried squawks, looking back and forth from Rook to Davrin as if he has picked up on her distress and is demanding Davrin fix it.

Except Davrin doesn't know how because he still doesn't get why Arsinoë is so suddenly upset. He doesn't think it's just the tea, or surely she wouldn't have been so cheerful on the way back from Arlathan.

"This is some weird Crow shit, isn't it?" he says, mostly to himself since Arsinoë is too out of it to respond, "What the fuck." Then, he raises his voice a little. "Rook? You okay? Arsinoë."

At the sound of her name, her actual name, Arsinoë flinches.

What the fuck.

The doors creak open again. He hears the distinctive thunk of Neve's prosthetic against the stone floors followed by a sharp inhale as she catches sight of Arsinoë

"What's going on here?" Neve demands. Her reaction Davrin understands; immediately, she's at Rook's side, hands already starting to glow faintly with what is likely healing magic. "I thought you were headed to Arlathan. Was there trouble?"

"Not exactly," Davrin grimaces, watching as Rook (predictably) lifts her head a little at that last word, the one they all like to pretend he doesn't know Neve has taken to using as some sort of pet name for their glorious leader. Normally that would be his cue to take Assan and flee, but now he's just glad the Rook is reacting to something.

"Neve?" Rook asks, shifting in her seat, then gently pushing at Assan to make room for Neve to settle beside her. "Neve, you shouldn't drink the tea."

"The tea?" Neve asks, reaching up to brush a stray curl out of Arsinoë's face, "What tea?"

"Mmm. The tea. Ask Assan. My head is starting to hurt."

"Ask... Assan?" Predictably, Neve places the back of her hand against Arsinoë's forehead, a slight chill creeping into the air. Even more predictably, she looks back sharply at Davrin.

"Look, in my defense, Emmrich said it was fine. I drank the tea. I'm fine. But Rook..."

What Neve would have said to that, Davrin will never know because the doors open again. Lucanis strides in, too rushed to walk carefully and silence the clinking of his weapons. In his hands, he holds a clay pitcher and one of his own favorite cups, one of the ones from that fancy tea set.

Lucanis hesitates briefly, staring openly at the way Arsinoë pressing her face into Neve's hand, the way Neve is pulling Arsinoë closer, bracing her. His expression goes dark and yet when Neve catches his eye he nods, seeming... grateful?

Weird Crow shit.

"Arsinoë, you need to drink this. Hopefully it will help." Rook shudders against Neve, but Lucanis persists. "Viago is back in Treviso, I promise. He needs to know nothing, but you need water."

"Wait, Viago?" Neve asks, "The Fifth Talon? What does he have to do with this?"

"That's what I want to know," Davrin agrees. It's not like he ever though the Crows were great people, but it doesn't explain why Rook is reacting like this just from seeing Lucanis, why she keeps begging that no one tell the man who is supposed to be her mentor that she... what, accidentally been drugged? That doesn't seem like something a thirty year old assassin should be afraid of, much less to this extent.

Maybe it is the tea. It has to be the tea. Because why else would Rook be acting this way about Lucanis? Normally she's the first to reassure him, to seek him out and assure him that the demon shoved inside his skull doesn't scare her, but now she's refusing to take a cup because he poured it.

Lucanis looks wounded at that, brown eyes gone unreasonably soft and sad. Finally, he hands the cup off to Neve and unbuttons his Crow-purple cape, shrugging it off to the floor. Rook's shoulders slump a little at that, and Lucanis must take it as a sign because the next thing Davrin knows, the man is putting a hand on Rook's knee.

(It occurs to him again that maybe he shouldn't be here, but worry roots Davrin in his spot.)

"Rook, it's just water. I promise, cara. If Emmrich wants to give you a potion, I promise to check it first, but this is just water. I give you my word."

It's probably a sign of trust that despite the fact Rook gets somehow paler at the mention of "potions", ultimately she caves and lets Neve help her raise the cup to her lips. Lucanis reaches for the pitcher again, and she lets him pour more into the cup before her head slumps against Neve's shoulder.

For a moment, the three of them who are sober sit (or crouch or stand) locked in a moment of awkward silence. Arsinoë is never this touchy, at least not when Davrin's around. And even if it's different when she's in private with Neve and Lucanis, it doesn't make her behavior less strange.

"Lucanis," Neve asks finally, when Arsinoë seems to show no further reaction, "What is going on?"

"Rook is House de Riva," the Crow replies as if that answers everything somehow, then adds "They're famous for their poisons, at least since Viago became Talon."

"Esma too," Rook mutters from Neve's shoulder without opening her eyes.

"And the Talon before Viago had a knack for them as well," Lucanis agrees, hand back to hovering over Rook's knee as if he's still uncertain his touch will be welcome. "Though not as much as Viago."

"She said something about daily doses of venoms at the breakfast table," Neve remembers. She looks about as happy about that as Davrin feels.

It takes effort not to turn that discomfort back on Lucanis, but it wouldn't be fair to snap at the man when he's looking at Rook like that. "So what... Rook was more sensitive to the tea because she grew up being poisoned? Is this some kind of bad interaction or-"

"No." Lucanis replies, the reconsiders. "Well, some of it, maybe. But that's not why she was asking about Viago."

Davrin's hands twitch with the need to grab Lucanis's overly decorative lapels and demand a clearer answer, but Neve-

"She's afraid of being punished. Her teacher is a poisoner, and she let herself drink from a tainted cup."

Neve's voice quavers on the word punished, unable to hide entirely behind her normal stoicism, but her eyes are hard, with a glint like steel. Davrin just feels cold again as Lucanis nods in confirmation.

"Yes. Crow houses do not all train their Fledglings the same, but none of them tolerate stupid mistakes. If a de Riva found themselves so easily poisoned, without even checking, I would not doubt that the next cup from their seniors would be punishment and lesson both."

"Bastards," Davrin bites out, thinking of Uncle Eldrin and the berries. The cramps and hallucinations had been the lesson, not the preface for more punishment to come. Intense punishment, if Rook's reaction isn't just the heightened emotions caused by the tea.

Lucanis is still looking at Rook with those wounded eyes, still not-quite-touching, even though she seemed to relax when he shed the cape. But the resignation has crept back into his voice like a weight, and he only shrugs at Davrin's swearing.

"Thus is the life of a Crow. We can't afford to make mistakes. Our teachers know this."

"You won't do it twice," Arsinoë agrees, sound almost like she's quoting something. "Because you remember." Sitting up just enough to sip at the cup again, she still hesitates, eyes fluttering as she glances at Lucanis, waiting for his nod of reassurance before drinking.

Davrin's gut churns at the careless way she says it, at Lucanis's total acceptance.

(He was the one who poured her the tea. It was his idea to ask Emmrich about the truffles.)

"Well." Neve says. "I dare say we've all learned some things today. No need to tell Viago. Or anyone else."

"No," Lucanis agrees.

Rook gives a little sigh at that before her hand darts out to catch Lucanis's. "My head still hurts," she complains.

Davrin turns towards the staircase immediately, suddenly sure he wanted to be far, far away from all this. "I'll go find Emmrich. Assan-"

But the griffon had dropped into what Davrin recognizes as a guarding stance, as if set to protect an injured member of the flock. Well, for once Davrin has no compunctions about leaving the feather brain behind with the Crows. And Neve, of course.

"Assan can stay here as chaperone."

He takes the stairs two at a time, all but bolting towards Emmrich's study. The last glance back before he darts into Emmrich's hallway, he sees Neve helping Arsinoë pull Lucanis out of his crouch and towards the little two seater.