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edutainer2022 · 20 days ago

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Another story to tide me over through a blackout. Scott has a DNR and it nearly reaches a breaking point for everyone, but mostly for John. It's a Scott and John story, but Gordon has an important feature too.

Thank you, as ever, to @janetm74 for all the amazing support!

WHERE THERE'S A WILL

The doctors were considerate, compassionate even, given the family status and the scale of impending global and personal tragedy, but insistent - a decision needed to be made. Scott needed to be taken off the vent and if respiratory functions didn't resume, well... The hospital management were as discreet as possible, but the telltale glee was hard to hide when the doctors regarded "organ donor" on the esteemed patient's chart. A Christmas come early - Scott Tracy was young and extremely fit, and, of course, eager to save as many lives as possible as his last ever feat. It was the family's call.

Virgil seemed to barely hear the honeyed drone about a noble purpose of a life lived in service. His focus was on Scott exclusively - biggest brother's pale face and a limp hand, clutched in his both.

"Come back to us, Scotty! C'mon, don't leave me! Don't go!"

Grandma reclused herself from judgement, suddenly looking paper thin and frail, and every bit her advanced age, full of loss. She concentrated on keeping Alan from the worst of it.

Gordon raged and raved at the doctors. Scott would NEVER give up. Neither would they! Then Gordon raged and raved at a still, lifeless Scott, till completely exhausting himself and curling on the edge of the hospital bed.

Kayo and Brains were silent ghosts at the perifery of the unthinkable discussions. So were Penelope and Parker. It wasn't their place to decide, but it would be their loss to grieve a lifetime.

John knew. He felt like the tethers keeping him planted on solid earth were snapping and he was floating into the cold, dark infinity of space - lightheaded and nauseous. Detached and numb to everything. Because he knew. Attached to Scott's will was a DNR clause. Biggest brother didn't want to go on like that. To be a burden of failed hope. Always all too eager to race beyond the horizon. To follow Dad and meet Mom...

John knew, so he spoke up - for his brother couldn't. And just like that he felt the tether snap.

Virgil growled "NO!" and just clutched Scott's hand tighter. Grandma cried, for the first time in many years. Kayo steered Alan away and looked back at John like she was going to hunt him down and lurk in shadows later. Gordon raged and raved, for a good reason this time. He spat out names John didn't even contest and vowed to disown John if he went ahead with pulling the plug. Then he stormed out.

Brains looked at him like he'd killed MAX.

John felt about ready to disown himself. But he stood his ground - that was Scott's call, not theirs.

Deep down John understood. His own darkest fear had always been the loss of self. But it did little to feel better about loosing the beloved brother. The one thing worse was feeling like he was killing the beloved brother. Maybe more than one, if Virgil's reaction was anything to go by. Definitely more than one, for John knew he wasn't coming back from that.

***

The one thing Scott was apparently unable to do ever was ignore the brothers' pleas. He breathed. The dam broke then. The hospital bedside was a mayhem of happy hugs and happier tears, and cheers. The nurses had to shush the rowdy, extatic bunch down.

The Tinies flung themselves at Scott's still motionless, quiet form. Virgil never left his side, just adjusted the grip of the hand.

John bolted. He barely made it to the bathroom before throwing up. And then broke down completely, his knees buckling and sobs raking his whole frame. Grandma hunted him down later with a reassuring ruffle of copper hair and a lopsided squeeze of the bony shoulder. But John could barely look her in the eyes. He wasn't sure how he could ever live with himself again.

Scott still had a long way to go, however, from an unassisted breath to consciousness. Anxious tension hung in the air and John was feeling every inch of the taut rope.

***

Scott had been in and out of it for several days. Each movement of eyelids or a slightest shift of the fingers - an effort. There was never fewer than one family member by his side, within reach. Sometimes several at once, somebody curled up over his covers, somebody holding on to his hand or carding carefully through his hair. But never once did his waking window focused on a much missed lanky ginger figure.

Until that one moment, around lunchtime, when the private hospital suite was otherwise deserted. Murky blue eyes, still groggy and unfocused, landed on the tall frame folded almost in two, kneeling by the bedside.

John had his whole face pressed into the brother's knuckles, clutching them fervently. Dried out tear tracks seemed to have been staining his face for some time. Rugged stubble shadowed the usually clean cheeks.

Scott's fingers shifted lightly, tenderly, to brush his brother's face.

"Hey!"

Scott's voice was raspy, barely a whisper. John started, dropped Scott's hand like he was burned, and nearly jumped away to the window.

"You're awake! I'll go get Virgil!"

John was mumbling and stumbling over simple words, which he never did, normally.

Scott's brow frowned, clearly upset.

"Don't go, 'ohnny. Long time no see."

John's fingers fidgeted, he did his best to avoid the blue, tracking him relentlessly, if with strain.

Fingers, thinned after a long coma, beckoned the spaceman feebly.

"Grandma told me. Thank you!"

John keened and shrunk away.

"Don't!!! You can't! You should hate me!"

He stopped screaming only having noticed Scott winced.

"I pulled the plug! I nearly murdered you! How can you forgive me?!"

John's own voice cracked and tears were streaming liberally.

Scott turned his hand palm up, prompting his brother to connect again. His voice was small, but earnest.

"You fought for my choice, Johnny. Nobody ever did."

The sound John made at the back of his throat was pure pain. For everything Scott was meaning. A flash of ginger across the room and John was sprawled across big brother's chest, bawling his heart out. Scott lifted his arm against fatigue to hold his brother closer.

John gulped down a choking sob and lifted his face to be level with Scott's gaze.

"That was a one time thing, brother. Don't make me do it again! I can't!"

"Johnny, please..."

"No!"

John's eyes were glassy, almost manic.

"No! Listen to me, Scotty! If it were me, or Virgil, or Allie, would you give up?"

"Never!"

Scott's answer came as naturally as a breath.

"Right! You'd hope for a miracle till the end. And then you'd make it happen. So will we!"

John's voice grew steadier by the second.

"Brains, and I, and Eos - we'll push the edge. We'll think of something nobody has ever imagined before! You deserve nothing less than a miracle!"

Blue eyes were glistening with a sheen of moisture too, by then. John rested his cheek over big brother's heart, exhausted.

The door opened and Gordon slipped in, taking in the scene before him. The ginger's back tensed and Scott shifted a pointed gaze up at the Fish. Gordon perched on the other side of the bed and reached to rub a circle over John's shoulder blades, before reaching to clasp Scott's hand.

"It's okay. We're good! We ARE!"

John visibly relaxed and Scott closed his eyes, spent by the turmoil.

Gordon flopped himself over John's prone form, wrapping both brothers in a true squid hug.

Scott was out like a light, breathing calm and even, by the time all others trickled back into the ward quietly, adding layers to the Tracy pile.

#thunderbirds are go #scott tracy #john tracy #john tracy needs a hug #tracy brotherdom of angst #tracy brotherdom of love #gordon tracy #tracy puppy pile #happens eventually #my fic #methinks i have astronomy

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thatkidwholikesthunderbirds · 2 years ago

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Angsty vent art.

I've been dealing with newly found trauma recently and it's been really difficult. Gords has always good at helping me get through this kinda stuff.

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds #thunderbirds fanart #thunderfam #vent art #gordon tracy #comfort character #thunderangst #cw trauma mention #kidthunder's art #sfw interaction only

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chaifootsteps · 3 months ago

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I think you may have deleted the post, but I wanted to talk about that insta story Amir posted with the lesbian flag fan and the “#king of the lesbians” comment.

I want to start by saying I don’t know Amirs gender identity or sexuality. Everything I could find stated that Amir’s pronouns are he/him, but there are he/him lesbians, and there are also trans lesbians who aren’t out yet, and still pass publicly as male. I don’t know if Amir identifies this way, and don’t really want to say anything super critical that would pressure him into coming out if this is the case.

I know a lot of helluva criticals are also a bit critical of his online presence, but he does seem to have acted as a pretty good ally, and talked about how **requiring** pronoun disclosure for work can accidentally have the side-effect of forcing people to out or mis-gender themselves, which is a good point.

Despite knowing all of this, as a nonbinary lesbian, seeing that post did make me anxious. I think it’s mainly because, even if Amir IS a lesbian (and I know some people may even laugh at that thought, or act like that could never happen, but the truth is we DO NOT KNOW Amir, and do not know anything about his inner life or identity that he has not explicitly shared) but even if he is a lesbian, seeing *anyone* proclaim themselves “King of the Lesbians” just sets off alarm bells in my head.

I think its most likely because since I don’t know if he’s part of the community or an ally, it feels very much like someone claiming to speak for us or be representative of lesbians.

And I’m VERY sensitive of celebrities or people with influence claiming to speak for us or have clout with us—especially since JKR started using lesbians as a shield against all criticism of her transphobia.

I know I’m probably overthinking all of this—over something I’m pretty sure was posted as a joke (and I don’t even know if the “king of the lesbians” caption was made by Amir himself, or a social media manager).

But. Idk. Regardless something about that post just gave me a real big ick. My initial reaction when I saw that post was “no, you’re fucking not. If anyone is king of the lesbians it’s Tracy Chapman, not you.”

It’s something minor, and I know I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, but I can’t help but get frustrated by it. I want to say, “okay, what the hell have you done for us then?” You don’t just announce that you’re a gay or lesbian icon. It’s something that is earned and given to you by the community. Even if you are a part of the community I still think it’s something that has to be earned.

I know I’m just rambling now, but I wanted to let you know that yeah, that post was not okay with me either. I think I would have even liked the post if it had said something that was more supportive of lesbians like “let’s go lesbians!” Or “shout out to the lesbian fans!” Or something.

Anyway. Thanks for letting me vent. I know this is probably ridiculous to vent about but I wanted to get these feelings out, and didn’t feel safe talking about it on my own blog.

Nah, it's an entirely valid frustration. There are ways to show solidarity and that wasn't it, and also high five for recognizing Tracy Chapman as the queen of the lesbians she is.

(For the record, I deleted that post because apparently it's not yet common knowledge just how incredibly fucking creepy Amir is. Someday.)

#Anonymous #viv stuff #actual blog post

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idontknowreallywhy · 6 months ago

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Resurface 29 - Reassure

Story so far

Sometimes the time to talk comes before you think you are ready. Sorry Virg.

Apologies in advance for the overuse of …

…

… I blame Virg’s half-drugged inner monologue. And also Alan.

💚💙❤️💛🧡💚💙❤️💛🧡💚💙❤️💛🧡

“It’s my fault Virgil got sick.”

To Scott’s credit the look of incredulity had passed very quickly and returned to concerned big brother as he prompted “what makes you think that?”

Alan was several sentences into his attempt to turn a confused childhood memory into a coherent narrative before Virgil suddenly realised he should have objected to that initial statement. Damn. Not that it would have made any difference, probably… a Tracy determined to accept blame was difficult to redirect… but it wasn’t a great look not to have disagreed at the outset.

Maybe he should say it now, just in case?

He sat up a little and opened his mouth but belatedly realised the rest of the family were now hearing about something deeply personal Virgil had hoped none of them would ever find out. Especially not Scott. He blushed, well aware that objectively his little coping mechanisms from that… time… could sound desperately unhinged, even before he got sick and he hadn’t even properly heard how Alan had described it so he could explain and damn he’d stopped listening again and Alan was still talking…

“… and of course I was a compete idiot wasn’t I because it wasn’t a ghost hug Virgil meant at all it was… more like a memory? Of a hug? And I knew I shouldn’t go in there but… but I missed him…” Alan suddenly looked back up at Scott who had frozen in place, both hands still wrapped around one of Alan’s eyes flicking between him and Virgil “… I mean you. I missed you too and I… thought maybe if…if I went in you’d come and I’d get a hug again as well but then… tried to balance the mug… so stupid and I ruined everything… and he… he looked so sad I couldn’t breathe. And then he got sick… so…”

Virgil just shook his head and moaned a little in lieu of speaking. His eyes were squeezed shut but could feel them all looking at him. He had to clear this up, he had to get his brain in gear. He focussed on the pressure of Alan’s skull against his clavicle and forced himself to lift his eyes to meet those of his older brother…

… who stared back at him, his face bewildered and bloodless. Scott’s lips parted as if to speak but he didn’t seem any more capable of forming words than Virgil did.

“It’s been you with the clothes!” Gordon suddenly burst into the awkward silence. “I was blaming Grandma…”

Alan flushed and looked down again.

“I just… didn’t know how to help and I hoped it might… help.”

Big brother mode re-engaged, Scott put a hand back on Alan’s arm and offered firm reassurance without moving his eyes from Virgil for a moment.

“It did.”

Alan nodded, then buried his face back into Virgil’s shirt.

“I’m so sorry, Virgil”

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for, Allie.”

Virgil’s voice came out rather squeakier than he’d intended so he held his little brother close and swallowed hard.

He knew from observing both Scott and Gordon as they underwent therapy that it was supposed to be good to revisit this stuff - it was good to deliberately remember and to vocalise the things that haunted you… all of them. He’d reminded them often enough. Gordon had quite naturally found himself able to vent to Scott or to Virgil. Scott… well despite Virgil’s efforts he hadn’t let them in for a very long time, not until quite recently when circumstances forced his hand. Even now Virgil knew Scott’s instinct was to shield them from what was going on in his head, rather than let them help. But he had always spoken to his therapist and so Virgil had had to be content with that.

And Virgil had confided in… precisely nobody. Because really, compared to what they’d each been through... well. Dr Clifford had pointed out only a couple of hours ago that the same advice applied to him too - that eventually the acknowledging and the speaking would take the power of the memories away, the ones that lurked and gnawed at his very being.

But of all the times and places to start… the tiny incident Alan was torturing himself over was one of Virgil’s hardest moments. It had been the tipping point between the living nightmare he recalled and the one he… didn’t. The time reality caught up with him and he lost hope. The moment he had finally let go.

The moment he’d actually lost Scott.

And lost Virgil too.

But Alan didn’t know that, all the guilt-ridden child of his memories knew was he’d upset his brother, that after that Virgil hadn’t wanted to look after them anymore.

This really wasn’t the best time. He wasn’t quite sure he’d know how to put it into words when at his best and he definitely wasn’t. And he really, really needed to get this right. Because even putting therapeutic best practice aside, this wasn’t just about him anymore. It was about Alan, Scott… all of them.

“Ok. Ok, so… I guess I should explain some… uh… stuff.” Virgil’s voice was still shaky and he paused as he was suddenly hemmed in by a Gordon on one side and a John on the other. Scott dropped one of his hands from Alan’s to rest on Virgil’s foot. Thus surrounded, he found the words suddenly came a little easier.

“Allie… it really wasn’t your fault. Uh, I’m going to be honest, because you’re not an idiot but you have to hear me out… Right to the end, ok?”

Alan nodded and pressed the side of his face to Virgil’s chest. Scott hovered in front of him, looking stricken, but didn’t interfere.

“I still don’t remember a lot of it very well.” He used the back of his hand to wipe non-existent sweat from his forehead then ran his hand through his hair while trying to summon up the strength and focus to say this the right way.

“But I do remember that night quite clearly and, yeah I was… upset. Not with you, not really with you, but the circumstances and… yeah you’re right that was when I started to… lose my hold on… um, things.”

Alan closed his eyes and tightened his grip on Virgil’s shirt. Virgil watched his face for a moment, his heart squeezing as he noticed the depth of the shadows across his little brother’s cheekbones. He’d clearly been tormenting himself the last week or so and it had gone undetected. Cut from the same cloth as his eldest brother, said torment had clearly done a number on his sleep schedule.

“But, Alan you have to understand this, it wasn’t because of your little accident. If it hadn’t been that, it would have been something else… maybe something Dad said in passing, or something Gordon made for dinner, or looking at the colour of the sky and thinking how much Scott would have liked it.”

“But it WAS that. I made it happen. It was me messing up.”

“No, Allie, no. Listen to me, it happened… inevitably… because I wasn’t coping. I couldn’t do it. No, don’t look at me like that John, it’s true… I have a go at Scott for trying to do everything, be everything but I’m such a hypocrite because when it was my turn I tried to be Scott AND be Mom AND Dad all at the same time and I didn’t know how to… be me? Without…. Without Scott, you know? I didn’t give myself even a moment to work that out because I was scared I wasn’t enough on my own and so… I kind of pretended he was coming back still and it all had to be… ok… when he did come back… and so….” John’s fingers had tightened almost imperceptibly on his shoulder and with a little start Virgil realised he was still verbalising all these thoughts and everyone was looking at him.

He cleared his throat.

“Uh, anyway. The point is it wasn’t you, Allie. It wasn’t working. I was barely sleeping, wasn’t really eating. I knew it at the time but didn’t admit it because I thought I was letting Scott down… because I promised him to always look after you all, no matter what.”

There was a quiet moan from his older brother and Virgil suddenly had absolute clarity about what he was going to say next. Because Scott needed to hear this. They all did.

“The thing is Allie… the thing is… Sometimes people ask you to make promises that… aren’t fair. Promises that are so much bigger than they seem at the time. And when that person is gone, if the promise isn’t really possible… if it isn’t healthy to try to keep it… well... What I should have done is asked myself what Scott would have told me to do.”

He looked up and met his big brother’s eyes which were shining with unshed tears.

“You should have taken care of yourself! You shouldn’t have burned yourself out for me. I never wanted that, I never meant to ask that! I’m so sorry, Virgil.”

“I know you didn’t. And I should have then too, I was just too busy trying to do everything and be good enough to let myself think about it.”

Virgil waited, watching the emotions flicker across Scott’s face, wondering when the penny would drop. He’d know when it did, in some ways his brother would always be an open book to him.

Ever such a slight widening of blue eyes and then an almost but not quite concealed frown in his direction told Virgil his point had landed and that more words would inevitably be exchanged on the subject.

Later. He’d deal with that later.

For now, he could almost feel the adrenaline dissipating and for once he allowed himself to drift without complaint. He knew he couldn’t go far this time, grounded as he was by the not insignificant weight in his arms and held up by the unrelenting affection on every side.

#thunderbirds are go #thunderbirds #thunderbirds fanfiction #virgil tracy #scott tracy #Alan Tracy #idontknowreallywhy fanfic #resurface fic

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