#toxic in a way im not used to or experienced before

[shadyhouse]

hey im sorry to ask for help again, i just dont know what else to do right now. im starting my new job today (just onboarding for now but im finding out my new schedule today and i'll be starting next week) and my bank account is currently at -23, i just had to pay my phone bill so that put me at -78. if anyone has anything to spare so i can get out of this hole itd be greatly appreciated 🙏 as soon as my new job starts i'll be able to get on track fairly quickly but my boss completely screwed me over with scheduling for my last few weeks of work, idk what im gonna do

pp: paypal.me/bewearrr

vnm: tobias_leviathan

thank you 💕 of course plz only help if you can afford to

[harmoonix]

🎐Spirit of the Wind🎐

(Astrology Observations)

🎐 - Juno/Moon in Air Signs, these natives are looking for communication in their relationships, they are so good at expressing themselves in love & very devoted to their partners

🎐 - Aries Moons/Moon in the 1st house natives are very confident even if they don't always show it they give that energy sometimes in their personality

🎐 - I think Mercurial Moons (Gemini and Virgo moons) may get triggered the most and maybe sometimes Leo Moons too

🎐 - Lilith aspecting Saturn can bring conflicts especially with their dad/older brother/cousins/grandfather's and so on like there is always someone toxic in their family

🎐 - Moon aspecting Juno natives can be the most clingiest people, they will attach to your heart and will never go

🎐 - North Node sextile/trine/conjunct Jupiter can face many opportunities/benefits in their lives/journey/path, (in harsh aspects is like you are blinded from them and you can't see the opportunities you have in front of you)

🎐 - Pluto square/opposite/conjunct north node will mostly experience a rebirth with every thing that happens in their lives, I met so many natives with those aspects who are so experienced in their lives

🎐 - Moon sqaure/opposite/conjunct Saturn can tend to have a nostalgic mood/aura around them, something about them reminds you about the past

🎐 - Venus in Air houses (3rd,7th,11th house) have the best humour in a love/friend relationship, they will know how to comfort you both emotionally and physically

🎐 - Venus in Virgo/Venus in the 6th house will share their nurturing/healing energy with those who need it, these placements are healing and awaken type of natives

🎐 - Neptune/Pluto conjunct the ascendant will feel like they belong in the world, they can feel sometimes outcasted or maybe out of the crowd but that's what makes them unique they're just born different (in a nice way I love them so much)

🎐 - Uranus conjunct the ascendant will make the native very creative, they are the type of people who come off with the best ideas and the best plans for everything

🎐 - Sun opposite Lilith (h12) can attract other people only with their presence, Lilith can feel very strong when aspects the sun but when it's opposite, it will share that energy to themselves

🎐 - Lilith (h12) square/opposite/parallel/conjunct Moon are so seductive at first and is the fact that in contact with others it will just make them more curious about your life

🎐 - Uranus in the 7th house can make the native confused about their relationships and love life, they're like "What tf happens in my life now"

🎐 - South Node in the 9th house natives can feel very detached from religion/religiously detached and honestly you can't blame at all for that. Is the south node energy

🎐- Although im still not sure if Jupiter represents the husband in modern astrology instead of Mars but in vedic chart Jupiter it still represents the husband and i love to read about it 😭✋🏼

🎐 - Think at Vesta Asteroid (4) as a the point where your soul feels at home, feels safe, feels free. For example I have my Vesta in the 2nd house (Venus rules that house, and I tend to believe food brings me soul happiness especially chocolate 🍫✋🏼😭)

🎐 - I honestly love natives with Scorpio/ Sagittarius or Capricorn in big 6 because they honestly don't give a single f about what people say about them, really

🎐 - Someone asked me if the people with moon prominence in the chart feel the Intensity when the moon is changing signs and phases 😭✋🏼 yes they can, I feel like crazy when the moon is at first quarter

🎐 - Okayyy so there is an asteroid opposite to Lilith (h12) called (White Moon Selena h56) honestly is a good asteroid, is like a pure energy in your birth chart but in the same time it shows what things bring you happines, use this chart to identify what can bring your happiness

🎐 - I think I never mentioned before but Sun in the 6th house natives really can shine everywhere they go with their nurturing energy

🎐 - Do people with asc - pluto aspects seem maybe rude/harsh at first😭? Is because they have the Pluto aura around them which can make them seem like a bad guy, but they can be the sweetest people

🎐 - Moon at the 6°, 18° degrees really so observe everything in the room even the small details like wow idk how they can be so focused on everything and analyzing every detail

🎐 - Neptune in the 1st house natives or Neptune aspecting the ascendant may have something unique about their skin like moles or maybe birth marks? maybe freckles too

🎐 - Uranus in the 9th house natives can end up travelling to places they never expected, like those people who wake up in the middle or nowhere or "I never imagined I would travel here" kind of vibe

🎐 If you have Saturn in Cancer or Saturn in the 4th house you kinda have a lot of family karma, and generational karma as well. Is not bad but try to not blame yourself for this

🎐 Pluto in the 7th house is one of the placements I wish I had in my chart because I just love the meaning behind this placement is that the relationships change you very intensely and the same happens with Venus - Pluto aspects, if you have both you are more wise/mature in the future relationships

🎐 Gemini/Sagittarius and Pisces Mercury can indicate a person may talk too fast/bold way of talking/sometimes they can be a bit too harsh in their talking too

🎐 Juno in the 9th/12th house can indicate that you may find your lover in a forgien country or somewhere away from your home maybe while traveling

🎐 Juno in the 6th/Juno in Virgo can indicate a spouse/specific person who loves to take care of their mental health a lot they actually have a very healing energy

🎐 Juno aspecting the ascendant people will see you as someone ideal to marry/or to date (Unless they are like "Would you like to have kids* yeah my Juno rejects these things.

🎐 Juno in the 11th house or in Aquarius can indicate a spouse/specific person who appreciates your *weird* side, and also someone who gives you freedom

🎐 From Tarzan's jungle we did a bigggg jump back in the north America to visit the indigenous American culture because 😍😍😍 their culture is extremely beautiful and unique and here we met Pocahontas which by way was based by the legend of Pocahontas🎐

🌲🌲First let me say they are so beautiful if you think Pocahontas is pretty you need to look for how indigenous north American people look like (Slightly different from the south american ones but still share a close thing together). Their connection with nature and with the earth is very pure 🌲🌲

Have a very beautiful day to all of you who read my notes, Harmoonix ♥️❤️

[lovelettersfromluna]

Supercut

Summary: “In my head, I play a supercut of us.”

an: halfway through writing this I decided that this isn't technically the finale hehe, more of cam girl!Ellie come, this is just the end of them being stupid. mwah mwah love you all more than you know.

Warnings: SMUT!! 18+, MDNI, angst, cam girl!ellie, Ellie is a real idiot in this one tbh, arguing, hurt/eventual comfort, toxic!Ellie, tribbing, making out, pet names, this one is a little short im sorry, lmk if I missed anything!!!

Read part 1 here, and part 2 here!

You know that gross feeling you get whenever you look back at old pictures or videos? You know, the one that you feel at the pit of your stomach, and it makes you really happy but also really sad? What's that called again?

Oh, right. Its melancholy

It's that feeling where you have a specific memory, and you know that no matter what, that time is gone. You can't replicate it, and the only place that it will live is in the confides of your own mind

And it sucks, because you don't even know when those moments are going to be made. There's no warning in your brain that the day you have planned is going to be so impactful to your life, that you will constantly chase that feeling, trying to replicate what it was that made that time so blissful so that you can feel that same warmth again.

You don't even get the chance to savor it while it lasts.

It almost makes you feel like you never wanted those times to happen to begin with, because you would have been fine without them. Sacrifice one of the times of your life so that you wouldn't have to spend countless nights laying in bed, only hoping that you will experience something that can even come close to how it all felt in the past.

Most of the time, it's easy to simply look back at those memories, feel that disgusting mixture of happiness and sadness, and then move on.

But for some god awful reason, you can't seem to do that this time.

This time, it lingers. It sits there, knocking at your chest, demanding to be acknowledged, to have all of your undivided attention, giving you no choice but to think about how fucked up this all is, how all of this was a complete and utter mistake, and how you have no way in taking it back.

It makes you wish time travel was real, yearning for some mad scientist to come out and say 'look everyone! you can reverse the mistakes you've made in the past!'.

But that doesn't happen, and you have no choice but to live with the icky feeling that settles at the pit of your stomach, and refuses to go away.

You weren't entirely sure what would happen after that night with Ellie, the night that she laid her weight on top of you, fucking you into her mattress over and over again, whispering the sweetest words into the nape of your neck, holding you the entire night through once you were finished, silence overcoming the space as you both fell into a blissful sleep.

It was hard to really tell where you both stood, but you weren't an idiot.

You knew, that you and Ellie had made love that night.

It was truly like nothing you had ever experienced. It was like you were constantly in that delicious state before sleep, where the world is soft, and everything is so comfortable right before you reach the point of unconsciousness, and everything feels so utterly perfect.

That's what it felt like, and you knew that from the moment Ellie had pulled you against her chest, and pressed a soft kiss to your head before you both fell asleep.

It happened, but God....you really wished it hadn't.

Because now? Things were so much fucking worse.

The feeling Ellie gave you scared you, and it made the ugliest thoughts fill your head when you woke up. You felt wrong, the skin on your body feeling filthy for doing something so intimate with her, with your roommate. You felt like you were taking something that wasn't yours, something that was never meant for you in that way.

So you ran.

Not far, of course. You were lucky enough to wake up before Ellie, gently peeling yourself from her body, your stomach sinking whenever she mumbled something gently in her sleep, her hands mindlessly reaching for your body before she fell back into her deep slumber.

You stood over her for a moment, watching as her eyes flickered in her sleep, lips parted as she snored gently. The feeling you had when you watched her sleep scared you, because you felt...like you wanted to stay with her, protect her, hold her in your arms and ignore the reality of how much this was fucking with your head, ignore the fact that she had simply wanted help with her work.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

You inhaled deeply before you left her room, closing her door gently before you quickly went to your bedroom, tugged on a t shirt and jeans before you grabbed your jacket and left the apartment.

You stayed out in the city all day, that day. You were like a ghost, trying to sort out the feelings that were settling in your chest, opting to simply ignore them instead. You made sure to leave your phone at home, knowing any texts from Ellie wouldn't do you any good with how you were feeling.

You didn't return home until later that afternoon, the sun setting, slowly casting the familiar darkness of night onto the city that you had come to know. You wished you could stay out longer, avoid the situation more, but it was only gettin colder, and you knew you had to go back to your apartment sooner or later.

When you got there, you were greeted by silence. You don't even hear Ellie's usual music playing from inside her room. You frowned softly, looking around a bit for any signs of the girl there. You looked down, finding that her leather jacket and helmet weren't where they usually were.

Ellie had left too.

You should've been happy at that, giving you even more time away from the girl than planned, yet you can't ignore the ugly tinge of sadness and annoyance that lingers at the back of your throat at the thought of here simply...leaving.

When you got to your room, you quickly grabbed your phone, wishfully thinking that there would be a string of messages from your roommate, asking you where you've gone, and if everything is okay between you both.

But when you unlock your phone, there's nothing there.

Not a single call, or a single text.

And you suddenly realized, that great minds think alike.

So, that's how things go with you and Ellie after that. There isn't a grand scene of love, where you both confess that you had both felt that way from the moment you set eyes on each other, there isn't a happily ever after where you become her girl, and she becomes yours. There isn't any of that, you two simply go from being friends, to barely being roommates.

You guys never speak about it. There's never a conversation that happens to even clear the air, pretending as though that night in her bedroom never happened.

There's a sense of hostility that follows after all of it happens, because Ellie won't even fucking look at you now, let alone stand in the same room as you. If you're in the living room, she's in her bedroom, and if you're in the kitchen, she leaves the apartment to go eat somewhere else.

It leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, because you can practically feel the hatred she has for you radiating off of her body whenever she's around, and it's a shock to you that you two are still even living together. The Ellie that would once sit in the living room with you, practically tugging your body to sit on her lap, has succumb to someone who barely even exists to you anymore.

And it doesn't even end there.

Ellie never really had girls in and out of the apartment before, even before you and her started filming and having sex. She was pretty strict about letting others into her space, only ever bringing around girls she was dating long term, or her designated filming partner. You never had a problem with it, letting Ellie know time and time again that the place was half hers, and she could bring whoever she wanted.

But that seemingly changed after you and her happened.

Because suddenly, there's a different girl at your apartment every night, and Ellie is fucking them ten different ways into the next month.

And it always happens to be on the nights before you have to wake up early to go in and open the record store.

She becomes relentless.

You first noticed it happening when she breezed past you on a Friday night, clearly dressed up for a night out. You couldn't really ignore the way your core tightened at how fucking good she looked, the feeling quickly overshadowed by the way she yet again left the house as if you weren't sitting right there.

After getting yourself to bed for some much needed shut eye, you were rudely awakened by the sound of your front door slamming open, followed by the sound of tumbling and soft giggles..

Which then slowly turned into the sounds of Ellie fucking a girl in her bedroom that was directly across from yours.

And it kept going, night after night, the sound of Ellie pleasuring another woman was all that you were left with. Not even your headphones on full volume could drown out the banging of Ellies headboard against the wall.

You have never been a jealous person, especially when it came to Ellie and her sex life. However, after what happened between the both of you, and the very clear fact that Ellie was indeed doing it out of spite..

You really couldn't ignore the fire you felt at the pit of your stomach whenever you heard some random girl moaning out Ellie's name to the top of her fucking lungs.

It was then that you came to terms with the fact that enough was enough.

And you had to move out.

It wasn't long until you wouldn't leave your room.

You seriously couldn't stomach the way it felt, being ignored by Ellie, her constant avoidance a reminder of how much of a bad idea it was to agree to filming with her in the first place. If that wasn't enough, constantly seeing her leave the apartment to go meet up with another girl started to hurt even more.

And you really didn't want to face the truth behind that.

There was something unsettling that came with the feeling it gave you, because how could you go from not even batting an eyelash at Ellie walking out of her bedroom with Julia, to feeling tears prickle at the edge of your eyes every time you heard her fucking someone else across from your room.

Because it's cruel, and you know you were wrong to leave her the way you did, but she left too. You knew that what you did was wrong, but surely you didn't deserve all of this? And why would she even want to hurt you like this in the first place? Surely you were the only one that felt this ridiculous conflicting feeling that only brought you stress.

And yet, you only found new ways to torture yourself.

It happens one night after work, you're tired and all you want to do is peel off your clothes and hop into bed.

Opting to grab your laptop, wanting to watch some mindless video on the internet to lull you to sleep, you are suddenly faced with something that had been waiting to haunt you.

A link to one of your videos with Ellie was still on your browser.

She had sent it to you a while ago, wanting to show you how well it was doing, and all the positive feedback that it was receiving, you meant to watch it at the time, but never got around to it. Now, it was sitting there, collecting dust until you decided to open it.

And you knew you shouldn't have, because that chapter of your life has closed, and you intended to keep it fully closed.

But curiosity did kill the cat, didn't it?

You didn't think twice before opening it, the link quickly flashing across your screen and taking you to Ellie's page. The thumbnail is of the two of you, the last video you guys had filmed. Its you, straddling Ellie on her bed, her strong hands gripping your hips, probably forcing you to grind down on her lap.

You feel your core tighten at the sight of it.

You don't look at it much longer, or read the comments either, because you know they will all be asking where you've gone, and whether or not you were coming back.

Instead of closing your laptop and going to sleep like you should have, you kept scrolling through Ellies page. You come to find the usual, seeing that she had been live the past few nights, as well as posted a few videos for her viewers to catch up on, none of it out of the ordinary.

Something does catch your eye however.

Its a video that was posted a few nights ago, and you can barely make it out, but you can see a thumbnail of Ellies tattooed hand pushed between a girls thighs, doing what you can only assume to be fingering her.

And that girl is definitely not you.

She had found herself a new partner.

It’s no shock that she did. She’d been actively fucking other girls, someone in and out of your apartment almost every night, something that she had made sure to make very clear to you…

But there was just something about actually seeing it that hurt like hell

You slammed your laptop shut, a bit too hard, but you were suddenly filled with something foreign to you, something that you hardly felt for anyone.

Quickly grabbing you blankets and tugging them over your body, you squeezed your eyes shut to try and erase the image of Ellie with another girl from your brain, the image slowly tainting the deepest corners of your mind so that you won't ever be able to do just that.

You couldn't do this anymore.

Ellie was just as bad at talking about her feelings as you were.

Because the morning after you and her had sex, she wanted nothing more than to wake up with you, kiss you, hold you, move on from this agonizingly slow phase that you two were in, where she was allowed to do the things that she always wanted to do, just conditionally.

She wanted to wake up, and move forward whatever the fuck you and her were stuck in.

But you didn’t. You simply woke up before her, and left, leaving Ellie to feel like a fucking idiot.

Because maybe she read into the entire thing wrong, maybe you didn’t feel anything for her, maybe you really did only see her as your roommate and nothing more than that….

Maybe that look in your eye that she was sure she saw when she was fucking you, was all in her head.

So when you ran, she did too.

And soon, Ellie’s sadness turned into anger, and all she wanted to do, was hurt you the same way that you hurt her.

She wanted you to hear her with other girls, she wanted you to see her with other women on her streams, she wanted you to see what it was that you’d lost, what you’d stupidly lost when you decided to run away from her the morning after it all.

But maybe she’d taken it too far.

Because Ellie’s anger turned into something that she didn’t want, because no matter how much noise she made, how good she tried to look whenever she was getting ready to go out with some random girl, no matter what she did to make you jealous, you never batted an eyelash her way, you never once reacted to anything that she did that was directed at you for the sole purpose of getting your attention.

And not only did it further prove to Ellie that you didn’t give a fuck about her, but it also made her so much more frustrated with you.

Did you seriously not have a fucking soul? Could you not even acknowledge her? Hurt for her? Feel hurt by her? Why wasn’t it working? Why weren’t you…..why couldn’t you just…..

Why couldn’t you just fucking want her.

Ellie was truly at her last straw, because being with other women was something she already didn’t like doing, but it was slowly eating away at her, picking away at her insides and making her feel hollow inside, a shell of who she used to be when she was with you.

And when she didn’t think things could get any worse, she found you doing something she only saw in her nightmares.

She hadn’t really noticed it at first, but slowly, your belongings began to disappear from the apartment. Particularly in the living room.

Your stack of blankets would get smaller and smaller as the week went by, the dorky little figures you had littered around different shelves and the tv stand started to disappear too, little parts of you started leaving, one by one, and Ellie was too far up her own ass to even notice.

Maybe if she had, she could’ve convinced you to stay.

In all honesty? Ellie probably wouldn’t even have realized you were leaving until it was too late, the girl far too consumed in her little revenge streak to notice the slow but sure disappearance of you, the way the remnants of you slowly began to leave one by one.

It just so happened that on a day that you were packing up some of your boxes, you had left your door cracked open, thinking that Ellie wasn’t home.

She was passing by your room when she heard a soft huff, the sound quickly catching her attention as she slowly walked towards your door, catching sight of the various opened boxes scattered around your room that was already looking sparse due to packing it all the way.

That. That was the straw the broke the camels fucking back.

Because suddenly, Ellie is pushing your door open, the force from her hand making it slam against your wall, the loud sound making you flinch to look over in her direction with wide eyes.

“Ellie?” You question softly.

The sound of her name rolling off your tongue makes a shiver run down her spine, because god….had she missed the way you said it.

Her eyes are angry, eyebrows furrows together as her eyes scan your room, looking at the boxes, your half empty closet, your empty book shelf.

“What the fuck is going on here?” She spits out, her tone making you wince slightly. It’s the first time you’ve heard her speak to you in almost an entire month and it’s so fucking hostile, so pointed.

This really wasn’t how you wanted this to go.

You let out a soft sigh, bringing your palm up to ran along your face as you look down at the boxes as well, heart sinking at the thought of going.

“Look…Ellie…I was planning on telling you…I just-“ she’s quick to cut you off, walking further into your bedroom as her eyes scan the walls, watching as they began to grow emptier and emptier the further in she looked. She scoffs, her green eyes finally landing on yours, her smoldering grip enough to take your breath away.

“Bull-fucking-shit. You weren’t going to tell me anything, and you know that” she argues, nostrils flared as she stares at you with eyes filled with that same glare of hate that you saw every time she’d glaze over you within recent weeks.

And she was right. You had no intention of telling her anything. She would learn that you were gone once you were gone, because that’s what you did.

You always ran.

You let out a sigh of defeat before you step away from her, fully intending on continuing packing. You didn’t want this to stop you, or put anymore obstacles in your way of leaving. This was what you had to do, and you knew that.

“I can’t stay here anymore, Ellie…things are fucked up between us and I just…I won’t deal with it anymore” you mumble out, your voice tired, weak. A clear indication of how you felt towards the entire situation. It was draining you, and you knew that for your own well being, you had to get out.

The sight of you packing as if she wasn’t in your room, trying to figure out why you were leaving, makes her even more upset. It blinds her from your words, from the weakness in your voice, in your appearance. She ignores it because the anger she feels is much easier to indulge in.

"So that's it? You're just gonna leave? Without saying anything to me?" she barks out, her tone making you feel worse than you already do.

And then it all stops, because why the hell are you feeling bad when this isn't even your fault.

You slowly turn to Ellie, your eyebrows furrowed as you stare at her in disbelief, cocking your head to the side slowly before you start to speak.

"Are you listening to yourself right now, Ellie? Do you ever stop to think for one second that not everything is about you?" The tone of your voice is so calm, words so slow and articulated, it barely even sounds like you're mad.

And it scares you, and it scares her.

You don't stop there, you couldn't even if you wanted to.

"This wasn't my idea, none of it was. I agreed to help you because you asked it of me, and I clearly have no fucking sense of boundaries. I get that what I did was wrong, and I shouldn't have left you that morning, but no one is fucking perfect" You defend, your own breath become more shallow the more you speak, your anger and frustration finally rising to the surface.

"This isn't good for me. You aren't good for me, you've been fucking different girls every goddamn night just to hurt me, and you're a fucking liar if you deny it." you spit out, making Ellie wince slightly, yet her eyebrows never unravel from how furrowed they are, and the frown on her lips is still there.

When you said it out loud though, she realized just how bad it was.

"I did it to get your fucking attention...not to hurt you" She barely whispers, staring down at you. You can't help but laugh softly, scoffing at her words before you give her a gentle sigh.

"Oh it got my attention, Ellie. It got it so much, that I can't bare for you to have it anymore..." you mumble out softly before you turn away from her, unable to stare into her eyes for any longer.

"I don't know what happened between us that morning...but I want nothing more than to just..forget about it all" You let out meekly, feeling yourself reduce to that small ball of insecurities once again.

And Ellie finally softens when she sees it, because you never let your guard down this much.

She inhales deeply, taking a step towards you, trying to get closer to you. You don't step back, or flinch, you simply ignore her, carrying on to pack your things as if she wasn't there, standing above you.

"You hurt me too...you know" she mumbled out, her voice finally dropping that hostile tone that she had when she first walked in. You're quick to turn towards her, spinning around to set your eyes that were quickly growing redder by the second.

"And Im sorry!" you shout, your voice going the loudest it had yet, it makes Ellie flinch.

You sigh out tiredly before you bring your hand up to tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. "If I could go back and do it differently..I would..but too much has happened, Ellie...I don't..." you trail off, struggling to find the proper words before you sigh softly, finally speaking again.

"I don't see you the same way, anymore" you mumble out.

This makes Ellies heart seize up, because what do you mean by that? What are you trying to tell her?

You move to sit on your knees, you bare legs coming in contact with the cold, wooden floor as you begin packing more things in a different box. There's no more fighting, there isn't anymore arguing, or anger, it's just silent, the occasional sound of your clothes hitting each other when they hit you settle them in the box. You don't even bother to turn around and yell at Ellie, or even tell her to get out.

And maybe thats what's hurting her the most. You never yelled, you didn't cry or beg, you didn't do anything when she knew you heard her, saw her with those other girls. All of them were nothing to her, sorry attempts at trying to grab hold of your attention again, get you to show just a little bit of fucking anger, so that she knew you still felt something for her, so that she knew she still had you.

But it was clear to her with the way that you disregarded her after it all, as if she didn't even matter, that she didn't have you anymore.

Did she ever? Did she ever have a chance with you? Was she all in her head? Were you simply just a good friend? A decent roommate who promised to help her out when she needed help? Was all of it just....

Pretend?

She feels like she's running out of options, because she assumed that if anything, you two would fight and end up in a heated, passionate love making session where you two would admit what you had felt all along.

But Ellie was slowly coming to the conclusion that she was being fucking delusional.

Her decisions didn't let up thought, because soon, she's on her knees next to you, grabbing your wrists gently in her hands and pulling you to face her. She feels her heart break when you refuse, trying to pull away from her grasp, mumbling soft complaints of how you needed to finish packing.

When she finally tugs you a bit harder, forcing you to look at her, she feels the weight of her mistakes finally settle on her chest, because you're crying. Your eyes are puffy and your cheeks are stained, and it's all her fucking fault.

She bites back a whimper, tugging her bottom lip into her mouth as she feel her own throat burn with tears.

"Hey...look at me...come on...where's my pretty girl...come on.." She tries over and over again, voice breaking, making you whimper as you try tugging your arms from her grasp.

"Don't you see how fucked up this is, Ellie? We were just screaming at each other and now...now you're calling me your girl" you plead with her, the words bubbling past your lips as the mere sight of here forces more tears from your eyes, making it harder and harder to talk.

Ellie can't talk her way out of this one, not with you. She knows there isn't much she can do, or say, and she feels like she's all out of options, because you're right. All of this is so fucked up, and it makes her insides burn because she's hurt, and you're hurt, and it feels like there's nothing she can do to fix it.

She does the only thing she feels will work. She kisses you.

It's filled with everything. Passion, longing, happiness, sadness, anger, everything that had been pent up between the both of you is poured into the kiss, and it's enough to make you feel dizzy.

But you don't pull away, you melt into her, just like you always do. She feels it too, feels the way you let you defenses down, taking it as a chance to tug your wrists up and around her neck, her own arms resting on your hips as she pulls you closer, her lips working against yours.

"Im....fuck...im so sorry, baby....never meant to hurt you" She mumbles against you, her words coming out as a breathy sigh against your lips, making you moan softly against her. She pushes her tongue into your mouth, giving your waist a soft squeeze.

"M'sorry too..Ellie....shouldn't have left..." You whine against her, and she's quickly shaking her head, gently tugging you up to stand with her before she's pulling you too your bed.

"Just...lemme take care of you..alright" She hums against your lips before she gently pushes you back to lay on your bed, her own body crawling over yours, resting her weight on your body as she goes back to kissing you.

It's so slow, and sensual, and it feels like the entire world is quiet, like you're fading into her, and she's fading into you, and you both are becoming one. It feels so fucking right, and the hole that had been growing in your chest is finally filling up, the essence that is Ellie slowly acting as the medicine that you needed all along.

Ellie rolls over, gripping your hips and tugging you to straddle her waist as she lays back against your bed. Her green eyes eat you up, strong hands already running along your hips and thighs, giving you a squeeze before her hand creeps up your t shirt, pushing it up a bit before it slips under, grasping your boob and massaging it in her hands.

"Fuck...look at you...missed you so much, pretty girl....you can't even imagine.." She sighs softly under her breath, eager hands roaming your body hungrily, as if they've deprived of you for so long, missing the way your skin spilled out from under her hands, always so responsive for her.

You tug your bottom lip between your teeth as you watch her practically worshiping your body with her hands, a soft whine leaving your lips as you rest your hands on her hips, pushing up her t shirt a bit as your thumbs rub small circle into her pale hips.

Her hands rest on your hips, forcing you to grind down onto her lap, making you whine softly, the feeling her her sweats bunching up right at your core, your cotton pajama shorts leaving much too room to be exposed by her touch.

She sits up, grabbing the hem of your shirt before she tugs it off your body, groaning softly as her lips immediately latch onto your nipple, biting and sucking. You moan softly, arching your back a bit and forcing more of you to her mouth, hands wrapped around her neck, toying with the hair at the nape of her neck.

Ellie pushes you back, resting you to lay down before she tugs your pajama shorts and panties off in one go. You promptly spread your legs for her, letting her settle between them, the small gesture making her groan, her strong hands gripping your thighs, grinding against your bare pussy.

"Fuck...such a good girl for me..." she sighs softly against your lips.

You whine, reaching down and tugging at her own pants, fumbling with the waistband of her shorts that hung oh so fucking low.

"Off..wanna feel you.." You moan softly against her, resulting in a soft chuckle from her. She presses one last kiss to your lips before she nods.

"Whatever you want baby...fuck" she mumbles softly under her breath when she pulls back to start tugging her own clothes off, catching a glimpse of your soaking wet pussy and naked body in the dim light of your room.

She looks so fucking desperate, nearly tripping over her sweats as she tugs them off, tossing them somewhere else in your room. It's like she can't get the clothes off quick enough, immediately settling between your legs again once she's naked, groaning softly a the feeling of your pussy against her body.

Her eagerness makes you giggle, and Ellie feels like she's on cloud fucking nine when she hears it, so soft and gentle. She pouts softly, staring down at you while she's already moving to position her pussy over yours, tossing your leg over her shoulder.

"What are you laughing at...hm?" She questions softly, her hips slowly moving against yours as she lets out a soft moan, eyes never leaving yours.

You can barely get the words out, eyes rolling to the back of your head as you feel her slick pussy against yours, clits bumping together in a way that has you nearly salivating.

She chuckles above you, a soft groan following the noise as her lips graze along your calf.

"Thats what I thought...fuck....your pussy is too fuckin good, princess' She moans out softly, her hips moving slowly against yours.

You moan loudly, your hand coming to grip her thigh as you move your hips in tow with hers.

"F-fuck, Ellie....you...that feels so good" you babble out, your other hand gripping the sheets beneath you as she fucks her pussy down onto yours.

Ellie smirks softly as she watches you, watches the way you fall apart beneath her.

"Thats my fuckin girl....you're the only fucking one I need...fuck...." She groans, turning her head a bit to kiss your calf again before her teeth sink into you, biting and sucking your skin, making you moan loudly.

You feel her speed up, hips growing desperate as she chases both hers and your orgasm, making your head spin as your nails dig into her thigh, sure to leave marks in the morning.

"Im....god...Im close Ellie.....fuuuckkkk....dont stop" you gasp out, low, lust filled eyes staring up at her as she continues bullying your pussy with hers, both of your arousal squelching together, making the most explicit noise you've ever fucking heard.

"Come on baby...want you to cum for me...can you do that? Fuck...I feel it too....that's it, pretty girl.." Ellie is babbling too, her lust clouded braun barely uttering words that are comprehensible.

You see her eyes squeeze shut, her moans getting louder and more high pithed, sounding so fucking pretty above you.

You feel like you'll explode, your back arching as the familiar feeling settles in your core, your pussy getting wetter and wetter as you feel your orgasm grow closer.

"A-ah! Ellie!" You scream out as you come undone beneath her.

And she isn't far behind, leaning down and crashing her lips against yours, forcing you to swallow her moans as she cums hard against your pussy, the both of you breathing hard as her hips sputter, pussy sliding around sloppily against yours as she becomes so fucked out, that she loses her rhythm completely.

And just like before, she lays there, on top of you, trying to catch her breath, face tucked against your neck, hands keeping you close, as if you'll disappear in thin air at any given moment.

There's so much going through your head, trying to figure out what it is that happens from here, where you and here go, what steps to take after, all of which come up with blank answers whenever you try to figure out what to do.

You assume she will fall asleep on you as she did before, knock out immediately and leave you to lay there with your plaguing thoughts.

She doesn't, though. You hear a soft hum from her lips, her hands squeeze your waist gently, before she speaks against your neck.

"I love you...so much.." she sighs out, her voice breaking a bit as if shed break down at any given moment.

You aren't sure what you'll do from this point on, but you do know one thing.

You won't run away from Ellie, ever again.

[billsbabydoll]

“𝓎ℴ𝓊𝓇 𝓊𝓃𝒻𝒾𝓍𝒶𝒷𝓁ℯ, 𝒸𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝒷𝓇ℯ𝒶𝓀 𝓉𝒽𝓇ℴ𝓊𝑔𝒽 𝓎ℴ𝓊𝓇 𝓌ℴ𝓇𝓁𝒹.”

contains:HARSH ANGST+SMUT<3

summary:finally getting sick of bills toxicity and instability, i packed up all of my belongings and planned to “leave him” as i stupidly told myself, only to find myself easily falling back into his same hypnotizing trap.

WARNINGS:abusive relationship, fighting, arguing, manipulation (I DO NOT CONDONE ANYTHING THAT HAPPENS in this story, this story is ONLY for entertainment purposes!!!), very narcissistic and misogynistic bill, hard-dom!bill, dumb-sub!reader, p in v (against the wall), degrading, pet-names, LIGHT choking, heavy breeding kink.

notes:as someone who has experienced theses types of situations firsthand, if you ever do find yourself in these kinds of circumstances please take the initial steps to get yourself out that relationship immediately, youll be fine i promise love ya!

HEAVY THEMES AHEAD!

“yeah go fucking cry about it you sensitive bitch, get the fuck outta’ my face!”bill loudly shouted at me from the living room as i ran and locked myself into our shared bedroom, tears streaming profusely down my cheeks, as i tumbled onto the bed and proceeded to curl myself up into a small pathetic ball.

im tired of living like this, being so isolated, feeling so trapped, being so mentally and physically drained, having to constantly walk around eggshells around him.

me and bills relationship was a perfect fairytale in the beginning, but quickly came burning down in flames and burnt down to pure ashes at his rage.his anger completely undoing every single precious thing he ever once said to me.

every “i love you.” or “i cant wait to start a life with you.” was once a simple loving string of words now being dangled high above over my head as a reminder of his broken promises.

i still cling onto that small glimmer of hope that he could change some-day, that he could love me again, or that he could simply hold me without hurting me.

i lay in my own pity for a long grueling hour before i decide to slowly unraveled myself from my position, gently getting up from the bed, wiping the tears from my eyes telling myself,

“i need to leave,

right now.”

i kick into full panic mode and immediately start changing into a dark colored tracksuit and a comfortable pair of sneakers, then i rummage through our closet grabbing random handfuls of my belongings stuffing my suitcase to the brim.

i quietly creak the bedroom door open and make my way through the dark hallway, my luggage in one hand as i try to rush towards the front door.

“going somewhere babe?”he eerily questioned, his evil presence immediately sending cold chills down my spine.

“i-i-uhm..”i mumbled trying to find some kind of explanation but it was if something was struck in my throat, i looked like a child who just got caught with my hand in the cookie jar.

“im leaving!”i managed to spit out, slowly turning to face him.

“oh your leaving?”he responded in a cartoonish voice mocking my own,chuckling manically at my response.

he crosses his arms over his chest as he cockily looks me up and down, he then quickly steps forward grabbing me by my chin with his right hand, yanking a fistful of my hair with his left.

“cant you see THIS is the life i promised you honey?you know no-ones ever gonna buy you all those pretty dresses you like wearing f’me, provide for you like i do, or keep a GODDAMN roof over your head like i do!”

what he was saying was true, without him i wouldnt have a single penny to my name. he took care of every expense, he even had me on a monthly allowance but he didnt do anything of it out of the goodness of his heart he rather used it to his advantage knowing hed always win.

“i know i know but, i-im tired of you being like this bill, im sick of it!i swear ill give it all back if thats what you really want!”i nervously murmured, his grip on my chin and hair tightening.

“your such an ungrateful brat, you dont even deserve to be breathing the same air as me, i shouldve just throw you out months ago like the trashy bitch you are.”

he yelled into my face before slamming me against the wall letting go of some of his grip on me as he pulled down his pants and boxers along with my sweatpants and panties.

“you wanna be treated like a worthless whore ill fucking treat you like one then.“

he wrapped one of his arms strongly around my neck keeping me in place, as he teased his cock in between my slicks folds, causing me to softly whimper.

“aww…look at you poor baby, you just wanted some attention huh, want me to fuck you isnt that right?”he purred squeezing my neck firmly in his arm, sliding his length harshyinside my walls.

though i hated to admit it, it truly turned me on how possessive and upset he got when i tried leaving it showed me he still sort-of cared.the fact he still had enough respect to still fuck me was enough to have me eating right out of his palm, anytime he showed me the slightest bit of affection it casted his spell over me all over again.

he continued thrusting his full length inside my cunt, beginning to aggressively pound away, my head banging against the cold wall.

“ugh-i shouldnt even be mmhtouching you right now ungrateful bitch!”he shouted, his free hand slapping my ass sure enough to leave hand prints the next morning.

“f-fuck fuck, im ughh-yours baby!”i moaned out, tears beginning to spill from my eyes, his tip kissing my cervix perfectly.

“das ist r-richtig, mhm!du gehst verdammt noch mal nirgendwo hin(thats right, your not going fucking anywhere),

gonna fill you all up, hopefully y-you get pregnant that way your ugh-stuck with me!”

the sound of our moans combined with the banging on the wall echoing throughout the house, the faint tv not even being enough to cover his disgusting insults and my foul cries.

“b-bill ugh please i c-cant!”

“take my f-fucking cock mm-my little cum slut!”

his hips bucking into mine at an animalistic pace as he urgently chases his release, my walls deliciously clenching around his girth, sending him immediately over the edge.

“scheibe scheibe scheibe(shit shit shit!)”he yelled out suddenly fucking his cock deeper inside my sweet walls, ropes of his seed oozing deep inside my pussy.

“ich w-werde ganz in dir abspritzen du mmh-dumme s-schlampe, ich werde dich mit meinem verdammten baby schwängern(im gonna cum all inside you, stupid slut, im gonna get you pregnant with my baby!)”he adds breeding his cum inside me with a few final thrusts, pulling his length out of me with a loud pop.

bill then releases me from his arm allowing me to slam down onto the floor, pulling his pants up smugly as he knelt down to my level.

“next time im beating the fuck outta’ this was me playing nice, understood? now go make me some dinner before you piss me off again.”

i nod my head instantly at his demands, rubbing the side of my cheek that hit the ground.

“such a good little girl, i love you.” he praised grinning widely down at me before getting back up and walking away from me.

“i love you too.”

and the cycle continues.

THE END.

[evmrellie]

Labyrinth | s.r x gn!reader

summary: You're scared about your feelings for Spencer. Insp by labyrinth from Taylor Swift.

genre: fluffly and hurt/comfort. pairing: spencer reid x gn!reader (I'm a girl so I wrote going on this way, but I think I didn't gave any descriptions abt being one, so it's totally safe for gn!readers <333 if I did, I'm sorry, I didn't notice.) words: 1,3K warnings: family issues, inexperienced!reader, reader never being in a relationship before, insecurity, anxiety, mention of toxic relationships (not between reader and anyone else) notes: hiii, this is my first oneshot so plss be nice 😭✋🏻 im not used to write like this, but I'm so obsessed with Spencer and I had this idea and I couldn't just let go. English it's not my first language, so forgive me if any mistakes or if u guys don't understand smth. not proofread. hope you guys like it !! <3

It only hurts this much right now

Was what I was thinking the whole time

You've never trusted relationships, not that you had experienced any, but what you saw growing up? What you were used to? Didn't make you want to get into one in the first place.

You never denied that you've dreamed about that; finding a true love and a nice, healthy relationship since you saw all your friends living it. That hurted you a little, but you learned how to live with it.

Breathe in, breathe through

Breathe deep, breathe out

I'll be getting over you my whole life

You tried to catch your breath, adjusting it as much as possible. You were used to unlearn the ability of breathing when you were around people who made you nervous, especially if you had a slightly crush on them. Actually, you unlearn every normal thing that humans do when they interact, it's like a part of your brain stops working and refused to turn it on again. He loved to make you embarrassed, especially in front of pretty nerd ish boys.

The first time you met Spencer it consumed all of your brain chemistry. Day and night making fantasies of how it would be meeting the boy again with the help of destiny, falling in love and maybe being obsessed with you the same way you were with him. But you knew that it was just a fantasy and it would never happen, it was just your brain trying to distract you from the real world and your real problems.

It was a nice escape though.

You know how scared I am of elevators

Never trust it if it rises fast

It can't last

Everything happened so fast in your time vision, it terrified you of how easy he was able to get through it. You were always scared of relationships because, yeah, it was nice and easy to fantasy about it, but to actually live it? That scared the shit out of you. All your Inexperience, insecurities and traumas couldn't be fixed from one day to another.

Everything that you learned from your parents was that if you dived in too quickly, it would be a mistake. Not only from your parents, but also from people you were close to, seeing their relationship rise too fast and going effortlessly and awfully down.

You never understood why they keept doing it, sinking into the same situation over and over again, sometimes with the same or a different guy. How they kept being pulled and compelled by it? You didn't understand because you never felt it.

It was so scary how relationships could rise so fast and sink at the same speed.

Uh oh, I'm falling in love

Oh no, I'm falling in love again

Oh, I'm falling in love

You understood why they kept like that in the worst — best— way possible.

When it first hit you that you were falling in love with Spencer felt like a harsh slap in your face, leaving red bruises and a terrible burning in. You didn't want to accept it, it was frightening to actually let it in.

Was getting hard with the passing time, he wasn't getting any easier and neither were his loving and caring acts. I mean, how could someone like him be so.. careful with you? You felt like a broken piece who would never be loved and receive this kinda of treatment, it was starting to confuse you.

You knew he wasn't the type of person who liked being touched or touching other ones, but with you? Every possibility of being close to you, hugging you, touching your hand and giving a sweet cuddle in that same spot was driving you insane. He made sure that any free time he had, he spent with you. Or even at work, in his free time that he used to call you.

Reid talked to you about his mom and his abandonment issues with his father so openly that made you open yourself with him too. You didn't want to scare him telling him about your family situation or make him think you're a weird, problematic person, but you couldn't let him vent to you and not say a thing. He hasn't change with you. In fact, it only bought you both closer.

You ended up accepting what you felt for him, you didn't want to fight against it, deep down was a comfort feeling. For the first time you felt what everyone around you always talked about. And oh god, it really was an amazing feeling. But no, you would never tell him that. The thought of how this could end so fast after telling him that because probably it wasn't reciprocal, hurted you so bad that keeping it to yourself was the best decision you could make.

I thought the plane was going down

How'd you turn it right around

“Why are you looking at me like that?” His voice called you off of your own thoughts, his Cheshire Cat smile growing as he saw your face turning into a shade of burgundy.

“Like what?” You asked.

“Like a deer lost in the headlights.” He snorted a laugh.

“What?! I'm not-“

He interrupted you, getting up from the chair where he was lost doing his usual puzzles. Spencer walked over to you, resting one of his hands on your face while the other one brushed away a few strands of hair that fell into your eyes. You automatically snuggled your face between Spencer's hands, smirking and closing your eyes, enjoying the gentle caress his fingers made on your cheeks.

“Tell me, please.” He begged you, you could easily hear the smile into his words. He was always so polite, it made you want to scream into a pillow and kick your feets in the air.

You sighed, tired to hide how you felt.

“Honestly? About you. I think I already fell for you.”

It only feels this raw right now

Lost in the labyrinth of my mind

You were scared of his reaction, to look at him and see his eyes falling in pity for you; About him suddenly telling you to go home because he didn't felt the same and saying that this wouldn't work between you two. But to be honest, you couldn't hide anymore, not for him and not for yourself. You needed to break free from this labyrinth you created on your mind, there's no way you could keep up with this and stay cool like it didn't made your chest burn everytime you looked at him.

He surprised you by just laughing softly.

Break up, break free, break through, break down

You would break your back to make me break a smile

“Well, i’m pretty sure i am terriefiedly in love with you.”

You swore that if this was a joke you would combust and turn into a million pieces of yourself, no one would ever find you again.

Your eyes caught up at his sparkling hazel irises that conveyed how much he begged for the same answer. You always felt something carving like a dagger inside your chest when he looked at you like that, like you could break him with any wrong do.

It was absolutely terrifying how easy he broke you to this, to this situation where you could never lie and deny that you felt the exactly same for him. You were head over heels for him. Not in a million of worlds you could imagine that Spencer Reid felt the same thing you did for him, but you were also pretty sure that you were the one who would end up with the heart completely shattered if this ever come to an end.

“I love you so much, Spence.” You said, and then his lips parted open and you were able to feel his sweet taste coming into yours.

[mikachacha]

𝙰𝚕𝚕 𝚃𝚘𝚘 𝚆𝚎𝚕𝚕 (𝙱𝚊𝚍𝚊 𝙻𝚎𝚎 𝚡 𝚁𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛) 𝙿𝚝. 3

Synopsis: Bada wanted you to stay in Korea with her as she found work there but then your relationship is falling apart rapidly.

Warnings: toxic relationship and behaviours, angst. This'll be pretty heavy so please if you're not into this kind of stuff, you can ignore this update and wait for the regular fluffs and smuts 🫶🫶

(A/N: i hope none of y'all are experiencing this in real life or if you have experienced this, im so sorry that you have gone through such shit relationship but don't give up, yeah? Things will get better eventually.)

Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 |

Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁🍁

It hasn't been well for you and Bada ever since that incident while meeting her friends. You still couldn't believe how she can do that to you. You wanted to get away but at the same time you want to mend your relationship with her. You didn't wanna lose her despite everything that has happened. Plus she's showing lots of effort for you to forgive her. She even got an apartment in Seoul so you and her can live there and won't have to pretend to be best friends anymore like you did at her parents' house. It was a big step for you both but then it also meant that whenever a fight would break out between you and her, you had no one to run off to.

"Jesus.. You scared me!" you exclaimed. You were in the kitchen, making some tea since you just couldn't fall asleep. You've been having a hard time falling asleep the past few days as thoughts plague your mind. Bada noticed you weren't in bed next to her so she got up and searched for you, only to find you making tea in the kitchen.

"I'm sorry my love.. Didn't mean to scare you. Was just confused since you weren't there beside me. Having trouble falling asleep?" she asked and you nodded. She wrapped her arms around you, pulling you in for a warm embrace and kissing the top of your head. You melted in her arms. You missed moments like this with her.

"Baby.. I may need to go back to the states soon. I got a job offer there." you told her and she hugged you even tighter, like it's her own way of telling that you shouldn't go back and to just stay with her in Korea.

"Y/N.. Do you really wanna leave me all alone here? I got this apartment for us and then you're gonna go back to the states?" Bada's questions made your heart ache. You didn't wanna leave her despite everything.

"I.. I don't know if I'll be able to find a job here, Bada.. I don't speak Korean that well and I don't want you to shoulder all the expenses for us." you tried to reason with her that led to an hour long discussion about applying as an English teacher there or working from home as long as you don't leave her. You were tired and just wanted to sleep so you agreed. The next morning, Bada helped you search for jobs before she went to her own. She has been hired as a teacher at a dance studio nearby and she's got to work with artists as well. You're happy for her since it has been her dream to be able to work with artists and teach people to dance.

"So baby, we're going somewhere this Friday. The studio is holding a welcome party for me and I want you to be there with me. I want you to meet my workmates and some friends." Bada said as she came home one day. What happened when you last went out with her to meet with someone didn't end up well but you wanted to move past that and you also didn't want to disappoint her so you agreed to go with her. You really don't want to start an argument with her as you're still trying to fix your relationship up.

"Yeah.. Is it a formal event? Do I need to really dress up?" you asked and she placed her head on your shoulder. She played with your hand, drawing patterns and kissing it.

"Maybe a dress would be fine. It's not too formal plus you look amazing either way." Bada says that made your heart flutter and heat to creep up your cheeks. She really knows how to win you over even with just words.

The night of the event came and it was rather chill. You didn't feel that out of place since you've been studying Korean when you had time to spare. You were able to hold conversations and didn't cling to Bada that much. You were having fun, chattering with some of Bada's friends when you saw something that shattered you to pieces. It was Bada and a girl who looked so familiar. It was Redy, one of Bada's exes before she started dating you. She was clinging to Bada like they're still a couple and the sight made you feel physically sick that you had to excuse yourself to the bathroom. You're just crying there, trying to convince yourself that it's probably nothing and that you're just overthinking stuff when the door opened and there stood one of Bada's dancer friends.

"Hey are you okay? What happened? Should I call Bada to come here?" the woman asked and you shook your head, wiping your tears away. You're embarrassed that this stranger saw you in a vulnerable state.

"Y-yeah I'm okay.. Sorry you had to see me like this.. But I'm good, everything's good. No need to call Bada." you assured her and she offered to help you freshen up which really helped you calm down.

"I'm Monika by the way and if you need to talk to someone, you can reach me via Instagram." Monika says and you followed her on instagram to which she reciprocated. You thanked her and gave her a hug just in time that Bada came in the bathroom, looking for you and saw you hugging Monika. The look on her face terrified you and your heart sank knowing that this will be another fight between you and her.

Monika excused herself when she saw Bada and now, you're left alone with your girlfriend who looked really pissed off. She looked at you before grabbing you firmly by the wrist and basically dragged you back to the car. The whole car ride was filled with deafening silence but it was a whole different scenario when you were finally inside your shared apartment.

"So what was that all about? Lusher told me that you excused yourself to go to the bathroom and haven't returned after 20 minutes. What were you doing there? Flirting with Monika?! What the hell is wrong with you, Y/N?! Am I not enough?!" Bada yelled at you and you flinched. She was still holding on to your wrist rather tightly and it's starting to hurt now.

"Let me go, Bada.. You're hurting me.." you told her and she did let you go but she didn't stop yelling at you and accusing you of cheating.

"Hurting you? Have you ever thought about how much you've hurt me when I saw you hugging Monika?! Who knows what else happened there!" Bada was absolutely furious and you're starting to get pissed off as well. She's accusing you of cheating yet you saw her and Redy looking like they're still together while Bada couldn't be bothered to even check on you, spend at least a minute with you in that party.

"You're really going absolutely crazy about me hugging Monika when you were the one having her ex cling to them and couldn't be bothered to check on their girlfriend the whole night! I was crying in that damn bathroom because you were never there for me, you were paying more attention to your damn ex more than me! How was I supposed to react to that, huh?!" you finally snapped back and Bada just stormed off to your shared bedroom and locked you out so you slept on the couch that night.

The days went by and you could really feel you and Bada drifting apart. She wouldn't even look at you, wouldn't speak to you. It was horrible and you felt like everything was your fault. How did it come to this? What went wrong? Where was the Bada you once knew and loved? You were about to message her when a friend messaged you first, asking if you and Bada broke up since all your pictures together are apparently deleted from Bada's socials which was a shock to you. You checked and sobs wracked your body at what you saw. It was true, it seems like Bada has erased you from her life already.

With a heavy heart, you grabbed all your belongings and packed your bags. You left the apartment and booked a hotel. You're just gonna stay there for a bit until you can find a cheap apartment to stay. You were planning on leaving Korea once your contract with the company you're currently working at ends. You deactivated all your socials and only kept in touch with your friends and family from the states. You just wanted to be alone and away from Bada to really think things through. To think if the relationship is still worth it or if you needed to just let go of it.

—————

𝚃𝚊𝚐𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝:

@lil-elliesgf, @efyyylee, @hwm1hyun, @mikaleialt, @bunnywonyo, @badaswifey, @mrs-grim-reaper

[t8oo]

By all accounts the lupin fandom has always prided itself as a drama free ship war free open to polyamory and wildly different headcanons fandom. And I can name a few people that have worked hard to keep this place very friendly. And I really started in this fandom in a friendly place. I even managed to make friends that Liked Luzeni maybe even just as much as me. I was ecstasic. I really loved those people so much, I talked to them daily. Some of them I respected so much for their craft. Great.

Id always been upfront and very clear that they were befriending someone who was fucked in the head. And i dont mean seasonal depression type I mean Bipolar and Bpd and all the symptoms it entails. Im not even going to mention the upbringing and the life ive had. All of it was a complete and violently abusive catastrophy.

Last year I exhibited symptoms that were intense. TOXIC. It didnt mean that I was toxic to my friend, because I was rational enough to know about boundaries. I was at the end of my rope. For undisclosed reasons I had to be interned. Great. During the ultimate time that lead me to become crazy, not a single person i thought was my friend gave me a hand. I received a message from one friend while I was litteraly perched on the windowsill about to jump telling me about their life. Not asking abt me. I sent some Hey thats cool but im about to kill myself and they didnt reply. Days after I was interned they told me that my message triggered them so they had to have an emergency meeting with their psychiatrist. Cool. Nothing abt me still. Sorry ? Fallout 1

During yhat whole shitstorm and despite everything a friend became my like. favorite person in bpd terms. Just really fucking embarassing shit really. I tried to prevent it, i tried to pull out not to make it worse, which not only was making it worse but was making it toxic. I aparently blew out, which of course my memory conveniently forgot. I said something ahout their partner. They never explained what. Again, after internment I apologized. They told me they needed time. They bsolutely deserved it. I was probably horrible to warrant that reaction. I might even have been toxic. Again, I do not remember what I even said. Im not a demonic entity it couldnt have been like I desacrated them and insulted them beyond repair. Even in my anger I have always been limited. But all i can do is speculate. They never explained, just took my apology. And then They never came back. That friend I liked so much that despite everything I did to control myself became a person i liked beyond wat was normal. We have had so much fun. Not enough to mend bridges or explained anything. Fallout 2

During that blow out one friend meddled, asking that other friend for information ? I asked to pass along a message to friend B. which friend A refused. Like it was not their business, even tho they were clearly invested in the business enough to talk to both of us about it lol. No problem. 4 days ago thou i confronted a group of friends that were friends As friend, for kicking them out of an rp group for no reason, even bordering on racism. My friend feels hurt about that event, has always hinted at it. it even stopped them from rping, something they did for 12 years. They had no closure and so I tried to bring it to them. Asshole move or empathic ? Thinking back i may have been taking the situation personnaly because i was already on my way out menrally. I dont know. All i know is that four days later, after i talked for hours to that group and the reason why they treated my friend so poorly that they still had scars over it, i was experiencing a mental crisis and that friend refused a request. Great. Fallout 3

The last friend litteraly stood by and said nothing. Not before the fallout and not after. I dont even know'if that counts as a fallout. This girl was so cute, so fun, so talented, so FUNNY. And when it came to a heed she said nothing. No side taking. Neutrality. Okay

At this point I no longer had anyone to talk to I think. I was documenting my attempt and the horrible conditions of the psych ward on twitter for everyone of my "friends" to see. One i particularly loved so much because they genuinely were on the same level of insanity related to luzeni made a tweet about the late hystix, a person i did not know but a lot of the lupin fandom did. A beautiful soul that was always supportive and kind. Everyone was mourning her. It was truly heartbreaking. I hope she is in peace. Our attempts matched in timing, it was actually mindblowing. Mine just fucking failed because of nosy neighbors. I feel so close to her in spirit still. That we both struggled so much that we came to the conclusion that nothing could save us. She did not have the nosy neighbors. That friend mourned her publicly.. on twitter. Ok. Logical, its a depressing, horrible and sad situation all around. All we can do is mourn. Still, it was a friend I was genuinely close to. That never showed the empathy they did to me. Hey dude so im kind of facing the exact same issues but you never reached out ? While my torment was there and documented on twitter because again. I did not fucking know wat was going on. I was in a strict mental ward under a lot of dosage from nurses who refused to give me insulin even thou i was type 1. Friend said that they tweeted at me. No mention of the years and years of discussions we had on discord and me checking up on them everytime they pulled out for severe family matters and i was genuinely concerned. Nope they aparently tweeted something at me. Okay. Thank you for the concern. Your investment really shows. Fallout 4

after that I stopped friends all together. The fact that friends I was talking nigh on everyday to each revealed their lack of concern for me during an extreme mental health crisis was abyssmal to say the least.

Fallout 5 came with Sheen. I was managing a charity zine for Palestine, and the lack of investment from so many artists brought me to the edge. I took it out on Sheen in the softest way possible. I told them I was disapointed in their piece and that it looked low effory. Sheen, a person I had knwon for the entirety of my investment in the lupin fandom, decided that an offense was enough to block me and never speak again. Once again i was on the verge of yet another blow out. And it happened. Lol. Its just so funny in retrospect that everytime I start acting weird alluding to a breakdown people shun me out despite, you know. me being clear abt my medical record. I realized that I was rude to Sheen and it was uncalled for. Apologized publicly not in the attempt that Sheen sees it but just so that everyone knows that if they hear abt the story, at least they know its all been my fault. Online friendships are so cool because it just takes the block button to burn bridges without coming back. With no chance of mending or at least a genuine apology. so Fallout 5

Is there a reason that all of these issues happened within one fandom ? I do think so. Unless i am incredibly unlucky. Or an abusive piece of shit unbeknownst to me. I think that the lupin fandom is surface level niceties. If they dont like you you will know. It will be passive but you will be muted and eventually just ostracized. You will not be invited in fandom events, or group discussions. It did not help that my mental health was constantly deteriorating and I started developping a persecution complex, thinking that people were making secret discords where they were telling others to avoid me or something. Ive endured all of this for one thing. One Humiliating thing : i love luzeni. I love it so much I want a tatto of it. I love it so much that after years before sleep I pick a random fic and then imagine their discussions. I love their dynamic so much. I love their romance I love how fucking inhinged they are i love that they hurt and love each other the same, i love that they cant live without the other, that they genuinely complete each other in a really ugly but complete patchwork of mental illness and really elaborate kinks.

I gave up thou. Another depression, I blew out, attempted again with the window, got caught and sent to the hospital. It pulled me back from the fandom. I realized i was allocating so much of my thoughts to it and how I could be better perceived, how I could make friends again to talk about the fictional thing i loved the most in the world. And I realized that in giving up and keeping to myself, that I could be more stable. That the damage was done and I cant really enjoy this fandom anymore, but Im still attached to the hip to luzeni and so in the words of a really brilliant man... Nah... Ill do my own thing.

U might be wondering why the hell is this bitch airing their laundry publicly. Its therapeutic. You dont have to read or care. If those friends see it, and make a comment of their own about how the events did NOT happen like I told, I would love to hear how they perceived it. I do not give my friendship freely and easily and these people have done profound damage to my abilty to trust. And most of all, I never had any closure. I kept rethinking, blaming them, then myself, then miscommunication, then them and then myself again. To this day I dont know why all of this happend. Did I act like an unfathomable monster, or did my friend simply not give a shit enough to help me through this. I dont fucking know and I cant deny either options. Maybe I am talking through a completely selfish wrapped sens of perception that is not to be trusted. I wouldnt be surprised. I have a very hard time relying on my own brain lately. My health is deteriorating very fast, and shit is getting worse.

The second reason is that I am going to be interned for psychiatric issues for the next 3 months. For the first time in my life I think Ill finally get all the professional support i need, available and close. Im not going to be investing any time in the fandom, if simply talking to the psychiatrist abt this catastrophic strings of fallouts. I might be posting some luzenis, but frankly i doubt it. I only make fanart when I am happy, or sad enough but still capable. Im neither right now. You are not entitled to any of these informations, but I just wanted to write them out of my mind because I have a LOT of baggage to go on through and this is an extra bag I dont need so im throwing it out.

You cannot gauge an entire fandom from your perspective, the same way you cannot gauge an entire userbase. No, tiktokers are not the worst people in humanity. Neither are reddit users. Being on tumblr is cool, but it doesnt make u better than being on twitter. And so this is only my opinion of the lupin fandom. I met some amazing persons that i wish the best for, for ever and ever, but in all the niceties and welcoming you might see, I dont think that extends to a person with mental illnesses that are villified, or out of their control. I can fairly say that my experience was disapointing, and I dont intend to rekindle anything. Ill just be on the fringe maintaining the spirit of luzeni alive because fuck you monkey punch these are my characters now by law.

If you read until this bro get a life. Also im joking, youv given me more consideration than most people i met have. If your take after this is that I am deranged, then youv read right.

Thank you for reading. This blog has always been a pleasure to post on, even my most cringe and embarassing shippy stuff. Ive been met with nothint but support, and I truly enjoy being here because of you. I hope this isnt a 3+ month long goodbye. I hope I draw my lovers again. But I cant guarantee anything. I wish you all health most of all, and love and compassion.

[libbytwq]

hey can i be sappy for a moment, i feel like getting a thing off my chest (positive vent)

I love you all in the SMG4 Tumblr community so much. Y'all are absolutely epic and amazing and so creative and just. chill.

I've always been so nervous about joining set fandoms/fandom communities, cuz usually the community is huge and overwhelming, toxic, scary, crazy, and the idea of being in those communities and interacting with people in those communities and being in there not just to post a dingle fanart from it and dip, but to help be a big part of the community and whatnot sounded... overwhelming.

Then I slowly began getting super hyperfixated on SMG4, much more than I usually am, leading me to post more about it. Fanart, things I notice, goofy theories... more than just me saying a couple things i like about it, posting a fanart, then moving onto something else.

I started kinda just exploring the SMG4 tags and gradually, I began recognizing most of the people in this community more and more -- recognizing art styles, etc. I noticed how small a community it was.

And it was a mostly chill community. I wasn't really seeing much drama or questionable things, maybe some criticisms about the show or theories or whatever, but nobody was at each others throats. Plus, the fan OCs were super neat.

I had begun posting more and more SMG4 content, drawing fanart, their OCs, and the fact people were so just... chill and welcoming about it was so nice. It wasn't nearly as scary -- we are all just vibing here. Most of the artists you look up to will probably see your work, and give it attention too.

It feels super strange to be considered an SMG4 Tumblr artist, having people literally enjoying the things I make and making things for me when they make things for SMG4 fanartists... its honestly super surreal. But so so exciting and euphoric.

Cuz yall are so awesome!! Yall make my day so bright. Yall are the best.

I'll be honest, when I first was slowly being a part of the SMG4 community -- sometime right after summer vacation began -- I had been dealing with some petty but difficult irl person issues.

I don't want to get into it too much, but I had basically messed up in a pretty bad way (enough to make me feel bad the moment I did it, but not enough that we couldn't move on and mature from it), and the people involved were hurt worse than I thought they were, and instead of trying to talk it out they resorted lying about being my friends for months before school ended, and over summer break, tried to cancel one of my Scratch account and drag my followers there into drama that they had no business being in, for the simple reason being "you don't deserve all that fame".

Despite their attempt at trying to cancel me not really working out very well, it very much affected me negatively and made me very very scared about using Scratch again. I still post projects there sometimes, but i felt weird when i do it. I felt like those people were watching my every move, waiting to try and drag me down again. It felt so strange and scary to feel like the people I once cared so deeply about are breathing down my neck, waiting for me to make another wrong move and add it to their proof of why I'm an awful person.

It sucks ass.

The SMG4 community here on Tumblr, despite none of you knowing I was going through anything at all, you all helped a lot. Just existing.

Being a welcoming community that I feel safe to be silly and normal in.

I've never been the best at expressing appreciation, but let me just say:

I think of you all so highly and I never want you to change.

Keep making silly art. Or fanfics. Or AUs. Or OCs. Or whatever you like doing in this tiny close-knit fandom.

Keep doing everything you're doing to make this community mean so much to me.

❤️❤️❤️

...this sounds like im leaving the community,, IM NOT I just wanted to get it off my chest cuz ive been experiencing the emotions™ yknow, sorry that its not like my regular posts lol, im not gonna post like this much LMAOOO

TL;DR: yall are fuckin awesome please keep being awesome forever and ever ily bye

[gabrielsbubblegumbitch]

First off, I absolutely adore your in-depth analysis and fantastic understanding of the Hazbin characters!! not sure how much you've touched on this topic particularly, but I'd love to hear your take on it! (esp w/ its relevance in szn 2)

How do you interpret the past dynamic between Vox and Alastor? Do you think Vox was genuine, close friends with Alastor, or were there hidden agendas of any kind? Given just how much their ideals and *everything* clash in present day, im curious yet struggling to pinpoint what exactly what MADE them acquaintances (and as close as they are implied to have been), besides solely their connection to technology and entertainment media, before their inevitable fallout. did Vox reallyyy change that much during his time in Hell? (or was there always an underlying tension between them?) (also, just, what the hell happened between these two)

Awww thank you ❤️

So, when it comes to Vox and Alastor, I think what brought them together was their ambition. Both of them crave power, though they define it differently. In my headcanon, at the beginning, Vox was more like Alastor because he didn't have enough influence to be his perfect self. Starting from nothing was hard for him because, like most capitalism lovers, he had never experienced building from scratch. Even though Alastor was simply useful to him, whatever they had was real. But it wasn’t genuine, because Vox is a narcissist, and we often attune to others perfectly. He liked Alastor, so he portrayed himself as someone Alastor would also like. In Vox's mind, this was just a way of caring for their friendship.

Additionally, Alastor is a very guarded person, so he wasn't fully genuine either. He hid things from Vox and often manipulated him because he knew how much Vox cared. Alastor cared too—he saw Vox as a perfect addition to his friend group, someone he could see as an equal. Knowing how driven and ambitious Vox is, Alastor seriously hoped they could rearrange Hell together, get rid of all the Overlords, and make the game more interesting.

The first issue that arose was Vox's greed. He wanted to expand (I wrote more about him here), but not in a way that Alastor liked. This was the first time Alastor realized that Vox might want to overthrow the ruling class just to take their place. Vox tried to explain that it was completely different—overthrowing old money would give power back to the people, creating a perfect anarcho-capitalist utopia, the ultimate survival of the fittest—something he and Alastor both wanted.

They were just two friends who started with a common goal but eventually realized they had very different ideas about making it real. Think Charles Xavier and Magneto or Dumbledore and Grindelwald. They began to notice flaws in their plan. On paper, a society where anyone can achieve high social status through determination and hard work sounds very free, very much up Alastor's alley. But upon deeper inspection, they realized that capitalism cannot exist without oppression and surveillance. It’s just a matter of whether it’s the government or corporations doing it.

Tension grew, and at some point, they couldn't stand each other. Especially when feelings came into the equation. Alastor hated that Vox loved the idea of him. He knew they were completely incompatible, and Vox would never truly love him, so it felt objectifying to know that, in Vox's mind, he wasn't even a real person, just something Vox wanted him to be. On the other hand, Vox was terribly frustrated with Alastor not playing along with his fantasy. They could have become the most powerful couple in Hell, but Alastor rejected both his advances and his ideas. However, the toxicity worked both ways—Alastor felt betrayed by Vox, so he became unnecessarily cruel and neglectful, trying to punish Vox for being who he was.

Okay, I know this take is filled with my personal headcanons, but I think that canonically their relationship followed this pattern of alliance based on common goals and mutual (mis)understanding, eventually falling apart after realizing they actually wanted very different things.

Regarding its relevance in season two, I expect that we will learn their exact backstory. I hope that after years of feeding into hate and bitterness, they will escalate this conflict until there's nothing but scorched earth. Also, I think we will learn that Alastor does, in fact, care deeply—he hates Vox fiercely but hides it better.

[cupcraft]

I just think it needs to be said that adults have to regulate themselves in online spaces in a way that is responsible for minors in fandom spaces. This will be long im sorry.

And im not specifically talking about adults with lists of DNI minors and block anyone at or under a certain age as well as make it clear their blog may not be safe for minors (ie spaces with a lot of nsfw content). Though curating an experience is a big part of being responsible of course. This post though is mostly delving into adults' behavior and how you need to be aware of your behavior.

For example, if you're an adult who purposefully curates a blog dedicated to fandom discourse, harming other people in the fandom, vagueing, and just having general toxicity about people ESPECIALLY when the targets of said harassment and toxicity are often the youngest in the fandom this is something you really need to reevaluate yourself about for a million reasons but including how this harms and serves as a poor example to younger people what a fandom space is meant to be. Like when I see minors involved in these types of toxicity, not to say they shouldn't be informed or held accountable or the ppl harmed should forgive them, but as an adult I mostly feel sad. I feel sad because I hope they're going to be okay when they're my age and look back on themselves. I hope they're safe esp when the adults around them act like this kind of behavior is normal and okay even though they've long graduated high school (even though ot wasn't okay then either for the record). Like does it not bother you that you're an adult who feels superior sending hate campaigns and ask box harassment and cyberbullying to minors on the internet because you're insecurities are that large and you've no ability to regulate them healthily? Does it not bother you that you teach young ppl in the fandom to do similarly by your actions, and affect their experience? Does the harm not bother you?

Because it should bother you. When you grow up especially in online fandom spaces you do need to be more aware of not only your words in general, but how many people may look up to you and use you as example and that you have a responsibility to be healthy online for the sake of yourself, others, and esp the youngest of the fandom.

Because it hurts to think ppl can grow up in fandom to think "oh sending kys and gore and dead animals over [insert discourse] plus potentially bigotry is normal because everyone around me does it and I want to fit in and I also fear speaking up against the adults who do this because you know the harassment".

And you might say "well cup im just gonna block all minors the end I get to harass people forever hahaha haha!" And well okay, but for another post (plus ones I've made before) there's still a million reasons this is fucked up you see but I'm just focusing on one aspect rn in this post.

And then there's the adults in fandom who all of a sudden hit my age and all they do is belittle kids and the way they act and there is all of a sudden a Certain Maturity that needs to be upheld for Everyone but Especially Adults.

So on the first point this includes adults who are like "I hate kids!!!! They are so [insert anything negative]" and it includes any comment to meta/writing/art/etc that is like not allowing a younger person in fandom to grow. Like the way I talked as 11 years on the internet was incomprehensible and frankly would've been subject to "omg kids are so cringe ew!" For sure these days, ig I was lucky my online friends were also 11 at the time. Looking at my old fandom Meta posts when I was 15, like I could imagine the way I see adults talking about takes like "oh shit I was worse!" Which is just a bag full of insecurity for me, but I also can't imagine being young in fandom and directly experiencing such critiques all the time. Like does it not bother you, once again? That you don't want to see kids in fandom grow into their creativity and co-exist safely in fandom as they do in public and experience overall and public joy? Why do you hate I mean hateee kids as an adult and why does their joy spark hate and misery in you (you might need therapy or to work that out srsly). And do the effects of your actions not bother you? What do you think you're doing other than silencing the creativity and joy in people and invoking ways to people please or for minors to Act Mature (in reality acting the way these adults want to avoid harassment ofc!) Instead of of course just experiencing joy and fun and community as they would normally.

And that brings me to my last pt of the effects of you hit [adult age] and must Act Mature and not Care About Cringe Fandoms or Watch Cartoons and do anything that would indicate you god forbid Don't Have a Real Job. This is the reality for growing up in fandom its finite once you're 19 no more Cringe of course /s! Because I've been subject to this take before as a criticism, and I've seen essays about how adults who watch Bluey are destroying the world forever, and I can take it because I go to therapy and I'm secure in my own maturity where it matters and joy where it matters. But imagine how younger people in the fandom feel. Like you're basically telling kids "btw once you're at Adult Age you must stop having fun forever and you must have a Real Job (or Education) and stop enjoying Immature things like fandom (even though I am in fandom btw im not a hypocrite saying this) or you're a freak immature adult who will never grow up". Like wow.

Like the conservative and near unnuanced take of to be Mature you need a real job (whatever that means) and to only watch adult shows in a normal manner (again whatever that means) aside, like you're really telling kids to grow up and be insecure. I'm serious! Like of course as you grow up it's important to mature no duh, but with real maturity means realizing there are times to be serious and there are times to enjoy things. Maturity doesn't mean I can never watch bluey god forbid else I have a not real job or become media illiterate as a consequence (esp when actually marketing wise a lot of kids shows are meant to also be entertaining for adults watching with their kids... and lo and behold your media literacy doesn't go away magically the moment the show starts). Like you really want younger ppl in fandom to be miserable and grow up miserable and create a cycle of miserable lest they become Cringe Adults that watch a harmless cartoon and enjoy it.

I'm never good at ending rants like this but conclusion. Get a grip on yourself and insecurities and be really careful how you foster fandom community for yourself but also to those that grow up in these spaces too.

As always add on/send asks/correct me/add nuance/etc. ❤️

[suzukara]

hii can i request a scaramouche angst plssss im begging for one pls i want to cry, maybe make scara really mean, abandon us or something like that. until one day or years later he regreted his decision and decided to look for us and found us with other ppl (CHILDE PLSLS YK THE DRAMA) thank uuu<3333

Too late now —

pairings: scaramouche x gn! reader, childe x gn! reader

warnings: toxic and abusive scara, mentions of scars, angst to fluff, trauma, swearing

a/n: sorry this took awhile to get out anyways, I love this idea. have I ever mentioned how much I love writing angst? I hope you like this post and enjoy reading! (not proofread)

"how could you have been so careless and stupid? why did you even sign up for this job if you can't even do something as simple as arranging papers? can't believe I dated someone as incompetent and useless as you. get out." scaramouche yelled at you as you looked down in shame.

"w-what?" you stuttered out in disbelief.

"did you not hear me? I said get out of my sight you stupid bitch, I never want to see your face ever again! or do I have to make you get out?" he repeated, hands sparking with electro, reminding you of an incident that had happened awhile ago.

you knew better then to disobey his orders, having experienced the consequences of it before.

you quickly got up from your knees, sobbing as you ran out of his room. you loved him, you really did, but why does he treat you this way? a year ago, he was still treating you as if you were made of glass, what happened?

memories of his traumatic punishments flooded your mind as your knees gave out under you, making you latch onto a nearby wall for support. you looked at the scars on your arms and legs that serves as a reminder to you of what he has done.

the electro cracking in his hands sending shocks down your body, the horrifying look on his face still haunts you at night.

"hey, you alright?"

"childe?"

"why are you crying?"

you took one good look at him before bursting out in tears. you felt ashamed for crying in front of him, but you couldn't control yourself as flashbacks of the abuse you experienced flashed through your mind.

childe pats you on your back reassuringly, while telling you everything and anything that you needed to hear. he held you close to him, not caring about the tears that has soaked his expensive shirt.

he was everything you needed.

you never had the chance to admire his beauty, given that scaramouche was a jealous man. though now that he wasn't there to stop you anymore, you felt as if he was an angel sent from heaven. your angel.

and now that you thought about it deeply, scaramouche has never done any of these before. for someone who was all high and mighty, he sure was childish.

everytime, he would take his anger out on you then come back as if he's done nothing wrong. how foolish you were to accept his non-existent apology over and over again even after he made you go through hell and back.

though this time, you have someone here for you, to accompany you through all of these. and that person was childe.

you never noticed the way he has always been looking out for you, the way he always helps you even without you asking, the way he cared for you when you got injured on a mission.

now that you see it though, you made sure repay him back ten times.

it's been a year since then, and you've long moved on from him. you've found someone better, better then him.

childe

ajax has insisted to bringing you out for dinner to celebrate your one-year anniversary before bringing you to see his family.

while you were both on your way to the restaurant, you unfortunately bumped into a certain someone...

"[name]? why are you hanging out with this asshole?"

"what do you mean 'why are they hanging out with me'? weren't you the one who abandoned them?" ajax spat back at him.

"[name], why are you with him?" scaramouche demanded for you to answer him.

"I'm their boyfriend. so leave them alone already, won't you?" ajax pushed you behind him, standing in front of you protectively.

"this isn't your business childe, stay out of this. we don't want things to get messy."

"their business is my business, as their boyfriend, I wouldn't allow them to get hurt by you again." ajax glared at your ex.

"get hurt by me? I think you're mistaken. I've never hurt them intentionally before. now get out, and stay out." scaramouche glared back, hand crackling with electro behind his back.

"you know, I've never been one to refuse a good battle..." ajax summoned his catalyst, smirking, "and I think a fist fight would be suitable for the both of us right now."

you watched as you ex and current boyfriend both summoned their catalysts, getting ready to block and attack.

you didn't know what to do. you felt weak and useless, but when you saw scaramouche launch towards ajax with his hands aiming for a strike that might cause your boyfriend to never awake, you felt an instinct.

an instinct to protect, to defend, to help, but you weren't so stupid now were you? you weren't just going to run in front of scaramouche.

since the gods in celestia above has blessed you with a vision, you made sure to put it to good use...

if you strike a blow of anemo just at the right time, you can definately catch him off guard. after all, he's only ever thought of you as a weak little thing.

right before scaramouche's hands could touch ajax, you sent a heavy blow of anemo towards him, successfully pushing him back for awhile.

"[name]? how dare you?" scaramouche looked at you in betrayal.

"I'm not going to submit to you like a good little puppy anymore. not after what you've done, I won't come running back to you anymore." you stared blankly at him.

"your lying, you're nothing without me. so why won't you be good and come back to me?" he tried persuading you, this was how he got you to go back with him each and everytime.

"I'm not falling for that anymore, scaramouche. if you keep playing the same trick on a child, they won't fall for it after the third or fourth time. I've moved on, let me go please." you looked away, not wanting to see his reaction.

"let's go ajax, we have a dinner reservation..." you reminded, pulling him along with you, but when you were leaving you can't help but think.

'would I have forgiven him again if I hadn't met ajax? if he 'apologised' earlier? if I didn't leave?'

though that's too late to think about now, since it's too late now...

[n0tangeliccc]

Distance

Stan x Fem!Reader

(All characters are 18+)

Warning: Cheating, sex mentions, toxic relationships

Prev.

Next.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ✧˖°.

You sat on Stan’s couch looking at the floor waiting for him to say something. The air was thick and tensions were high. Something had definitely happened, sure Stan had sent you messages like that before but this time something was off.

Stan walked over and sat next to you, “Sorry for texting you like that I know you were probably with Wendy since yknow…” he sighed “Um well…fuck I’m sorry I just need you here with me” his hand ran through his bleached blond hair. Need. He needed you. “Stan-“ “I know I could have waited but so much shit has been going on and I had to be with you now” Stan slowly inched his face towards yours something you’d become used to anytime you came over but this time you couldn’t do it, you backed and pushed away slightly “Stan…” He stopped and backed away with a frown “What, did I do something wrong?” You shook your head and sighed “You can’t use sex to escape all your problems, why did you really tell me to come here?” You crossed your arms and he sighed.

Stan wasn’t the greatest at expressing his emotions usually closing up when upset or angry, at least before you came along.

The first night he came to you he and Wendy had a particularly rough break up. Stan had taken a bottle of whiskey from his father’s cabinet and was about to start drinking before his phone had buzzed in his pocket. It was a message from you, he would have never expected it honestly. He thought you probably hated him knowing how the other girls spoke about his after his break ups with Wendy, you just felt bad for the guy.

‘Hey I know you and Wendy had a bit of a rough break up but if you need to talk I’m here :)’

That message was the start of it all.

Crazy no?

That little message led to long passionate nights, needy touches, stolen kisses, hidden marks on each others bodies, and all while he kept going back to your best friend. It was laughable how quickly he got attached to you, he felt like he was a child experiencing his first crush all over again. You made him want to throw up in a good way with all the butterflies you gave him the moment you opened the door to your house that night. Now he sat on the couch barley able to look you in the eyes.

“Wendy almost found out and now Im fucking stressed” Stan’s hands balled up into fist “We had a whole screaming match when she saw one of your messages” Your eyes widen “Shit…” you mumbled. Wendy was sweet but she did have an extremely jealous side to her and when she was mad…she was mad. “Don’t worry I don’t have your name as your contact on my phone so she won’t go ballistic on you” “Not yet…” Stan put his hand on your back giving it a soft rub “You’re her best friend Y/N” You covered your face with your hands “Fuck I’m such a terrible friend…” In all honesty you mostly felt bad for Wendy, you didn’t regret what you did and that made you feel even worse. “Is that why you’ve been distant with her? Was it me?” He didn’t say anything, he didn’t even look at you when he nodded. “I need to go” You got up as fast as you could and began to leave “See you…” “Y/N please!” Was the last thing you heard before walking out. You didn’t want to stay any longer, you probably would have broken down if you did.

You didn’t regret it but you sure as hell felt guilty. You just prayed Stan wouldn’t be at that party tomorrow.

*Buzz Buzz*

You check your phone, had it been going off like crazy all this time?

6 new messages from Bebs❤️

4 new messages from Wends💜

Fuck…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ✧˖°.

Masterlist

Taglist:

@hand-writxen

[lavender-z-love]

Noé Archiviste X Black.FemReader

Breakfast

𝗚𝗲𝗻𝗿𝗲: Friends to Lovers, Romance, Fluff.

𝗪𝗮𝗿𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴𝘀: Vampires, Vampire Bites, Broken up with, Toxic Ex relationship.

𝗪𝗼𝗿𝗱𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗻𝘁: 1,304k

𝗗𝗮𝘆𝗹𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁

𝗕𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗸𝗳𝗮𝘀𝘁: Here ♡

"Here you are My Lady~", Noé said playfully pulling you along to the dining room of his home. "Noé, you don't have to– The last thing I want you is to waste your time prioritizing it to me", You stated. Which in return only made Noé upset. You were experiencing hurt. It wasn't heartbreak at this point. More like shear embarrassment, being kicked out and thrown out of a home you shared with another. It was evident that you were embarrassed, and Noé wanted you to feel anything but embarrassed. "Y/n, please don't talk like that", he pleaded. "I thought, I've established that you could stay here as long as needed." You shyly noded,"Sleeping arrangements will be up to you, the last thing I want is for you to be uncomfortable."

Your face flushed furiously, "N-Noé don't be ridiculous, we're already past that part of 'sleeping arrangements'", you said remembering last night. Noé was hesitant, he didn't want to do anything you didn't like. He was frightened it would look like he had allterior motives. You reassured him that you'd feel comfortable with him at your side. So Noé gave in. You asked Noé to hug you, and he did. His chin rests on the top of your head, your face in his chest with your arms around his neck. The two of you stays like this in silence for a bit. The calming feeling of Noé's hand rubbing your back, gently lulling you to sleep. Noé picked up on what you said, slightly blushing as a reaction. "You..Mean— but is that okay with you?"

"Im positive"

Noé couldn't hide nor wanted to, he like the Idea of keeping you safe at night. "Alright, we can alwaya change sleeping arrangements anytime, how you like. Ok?" You nodded. Noé cleared his throat spreading out cooking instruments infront of him,"Now then! What is it that you want for breakfast hm?" You don't even remember the last time you had something for breakfast- you never really ate breakfast to begin with. Stumped on what to ask for, Noé give a suggestion.

"Have you ever had a crêpe?" You shook your head,"No, I've heard of it before but never tried it." Your eyes widened, realizing that Noé intended to cook. "Wait are you going to cook?" Noé nodded, tilting his head in confusion. "H-How about I help you?"

"What? You're a guest, surely you're joking. I can't make you do that." Out of the last few years getting to know Noé. As much as a sweetheart he was, he didn't know how to cook. Somehow convincing himself that everything he made was delicious. "Please Noé? I promise I'll be of good assistance."

"Nope."

"Please Noé?", you ask again.

Once again, he turns down the offer,"Not a chance Y/n." Once done gathering baking items for breakfast he would soon be making he turned to you. Only to be caught up by those endearing, irresistible pupple dog eyes. "Please Noé? Just this once?" He turns away..."Fine, you win– grab an apron."

Once the both of you were ready, you and Noé had gotten the first few ingredients together and prepared to mix. Now handing Noé the large metal bowl, observing his actions to make sure he didn't mess up. Flour, sugar, salt and eggs- Noé took a whisk and began harshly mixing, in the proncess accidentally spilling some of the batter. You shook your head is displeasure,"Oh Noé..."

He smiled softly,"Whoops! Sorry Y/n."

"It's okay but..", you leaned in close to Noé, gently wrapping your arm around him. "Let me help, your whisking is a bit..uh—". Your hands on his, guiding him on the proper way to whisk. "See, Noé use your wrist instead of moving your arm- and go gentle."

Light laughter surfaces,"Whats so funny?", you asked Noé. You didn't realize you'd completely taken over the cooking. Noé was on the side of you leaning onto the counter watching you this time. You blush bashfuly,"O-Oh..I'm sorry Noé. When I get focused, I tend to—." Noé cuts in,"Don't apologize. Its endearing Chéri."

Your heart pounds vigorously, with his romantic gaze on you like that...You're heart was sure to fall out of your chest. He was so cute..fuck! You continued to help Noé and guide him, in the end you make perfect crêpes...In taste anyhow...

"Noé"

"Yes?"

"Um..Are they supposed to look like that?" He gasps, dramatically,"Chéri! Don't you know?"

"Know what?"

"Don't judge a book by its cover." You look at Noé raising your brow..

"Right..Im just saying because it doesn't look like the image on the recipe."

"Just take a bite! I promise its fine! Besides I helped make it." You sighed thinking to yourself, 'Thats the problem Noé..You were mainly the one trying to cook and you cannot do so.'

Noé held a knife and fork, cutting the monstrous creation the you helped make. Cutting it with the knife, he scooping it up and holding it up to your lips. Without hesitation your lips part taking in the food.

Surprisingly, It tasted fine. "Noé, you're right...it's really good!"

His grin follows him ear to ear. Once again he was so cute, you didn't want to tell him otherwise even if it was bad, the taste definitely made up for how bad it looked. Taking some whipped cream from your breakfast on your finger you lean over the table rubbing it on his nose.

"Well thats not nice Y/n.", he chuckled.

"Its a way of saying thanks for the breakfast."

"Of course ma belle chéri, anytime."

The two of you finished the breakfast, enjoying every bite of it. In the end the plate messy with whip cream. "I'll take this to the kitchen—".

"Wait, Noé..",your eyes shed their natural brown color. "I do apologize in advance, but—",you stopped mid-sentence grabbing the messy plate and setting it to the side. Your fingers getting a little left over whip cream,"I am a little thirsty."

Noé didn't expect this, you never drank from him before..you didn't need to. Being half vampire didn't require to survive off blood. You needed normal food. Nonetheless, he was always willing to provide. You swiped the whip cream from your fingers to his neck. He gave himself up to you. Placing around you, pulling you into a hug.

Your tongue tracing his tanned skin to where the whip cream was; biting him there. Little grunts are released from him. When you pulled away, your eyes met.

"Sorry for the sudden bite-", you apologized as your fingers touched the wound site.

"Don't apologize, It's only fair. I bit you this morning chéri.", he reassured with a smile,"Besides! I've offered myself to you many times and you've finally gave in. Take as much as you need. Okay?"

"Good..Im about to take a little more", you warned. Going to the opposite side of Noé's neck before bitting. One hand cups his cheek and the other on his shoulder. Noé yelps at the puncture, grasping your wrists.

Seems like for once, getting bit by a vampire..It hurt a bit. His breathing, heavy.."Hah...Y/n", a sigh escapes. His fingers slightly tighten around your wrists.

Once you're done with your feed, you pull away. Noé looks up at with crimson puppy eyes. "How does my blood taste?"

"Its beyond exquisite..I can't really find the words", you shyly scratch your chin. "That makes me happy. I'm glad you like it."

"I hope it didn't hurt too much?"

Noé leans to the side in dismay,"Noo of course not!" It was quite obvious you'd taken quite a bit of blood, he was a bit dizzy. So strange, he shows symptoms of humans when you take too much blood.

"Oh Noé, come on lets sit on the couch for a while. Let your dizziness subsidie."

"Yes ma'am!"

You sigh of relief, what would you do without this cutie?

Written December 15th

[clover-the-awesomest]

Talkin bout Angel Dust (Hazbin Hotel) for a hot sec okay thanks

Okay. Listen. This is a pretty big topic I’m gonna be delving into, and it’s a topic I’ve had no real exposure to until recently, so a lot of the things I’ll be saying is of my own opinion. I will be talking about SA, child abuse, abuse in general, alcohol, self-destructing, SH, and Hazbin Hotel in general. All of these are very big topics (Yes, including Hazbin lol) so if you are not keen on listening to some outsider talk about these things, please leave. I don’t want you reading something that will actively make you uncomfortable.

And again, let me reiterate: I am an outsider looking in. I have had no real exposure to any of these topics until I watched Hazbin Hotel episode 4. This is not meant to be a call-out or me making any educated guesses. It is purely just for my sake and so I can say my piece about these topics. DO NOT, IN ANY CASE, ASSUME I KNOW 100% WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT. I AM YOUNG AND DUMB, AND I AM VERY LIKELY TO MAKE SOME HOT TAKES HERE. IF I MAKE A MISTAKE OR SAY SOMETHING CONTROVERSIAL, DO NOT HESITATE TO HARRASS ME, BUT BE WARNED THAT I WILL NOT ENGAGE.

One final disclaimer: If you know anyone. ANYONE who is going through a rough patch, or someone who has experienced any of these things before or are currently going through it, please please PLEASE just at least reach out. Say hi. Make them a gift. Listen to them talk. Sit with them for a while. Stay on call with them for a while. Just… Just be there for them. Please. Even a little can go a long way.

With all that out of the way, here is my very overdue take on Hazbin Hotel episode 4: Masquerade.

———

====

It is depressing. Genuinely, it is a very sad and very raw episode. And honestly? It does not deserve any of the hate that it is most certainly receiving.

Masquerade is an episode all about the horrors of an abusive (Sexually and otherwise) relationship and how it affects the one being abused. Angel Dust, who’s been shown before this episode to be very toxic and sexual, is once again given the spotlight that he very much deserves, shedding light on his behavior and why he acts the way he acts.

What is genuinely saddening about this episode is that we know that what Angel goes through is not far from reality in the slightest. If we take away the magic and the soul contracts, we get a day in the life of a real human being in the world right now as you are reading this. Someone is out there being hurt, being abused, by someone they once looked up to. They are being manipulated, being slapped, being thrown against the floor, and all the while they are powerless to do anything. It’s such a sad, sickening reality that I wish wasn’t true, but it is, and that’s that. I want more than anything to be able to help these people who are being hurt and are being used, but I currently have no way of doing that and I feel so so terrible and wrong for saying that but it’s true and I just… Ugh. It’s so depressing, really. The lengths that other human beings are willing to go to just to have someone under their control at all times. I hate it, truly.

“When I say ‘Come,’ you say…”

“Yes, Valentino.”

“When I say you are fucking 20 guys before lunch, you say…?”

“Y-yes, Valentino…”

…

Valentino wants money and control. That is all this fucker wants. The moment he laid eyes on Angel’s desperate drunken ass he instantly knew he struck gold, and just like that, the spider was under his control. In the beginning, Angel did just as he was told with little pushback, because he was looking to make a quick buck and this was also literally a goddamn overlord he was working with. Disappointing his boss could spell disaster! After a while though, Val’s demands became much more intrusive and much more harsh than they were at the beginning, and Angel’s hope for a fresh start began to slowly fade away. Soon enough, he got to where he is now. Still working with Valentino, but wanting desperately to find a way out. To be free from this double-hell that he’s dug himself into. To be happy again. But of course, now that he’s dug himself a grave and has already lied in it for some time, he can’t exactly escape. Valentino has seen his work first-hand, has experienced it with his own disgusting fuzzy body, and loves it all with every fiber in his bones. He doesn’t just want someone to fuck 20 guys before lunch. He wants Angel to fuck 20 guys before lunch. He’s found his new favorite toy, and he intends to keep playing with it.

Now this is where the manipulation comes in. Angel wants to leave, he knows he does, but he also knows that he can’t. Literally, he can’t, because his soul is bound by a contract that only Val has access to, but even without that in the picture, he cannot leave. It was shown via a previous episode (I forget which one I’m not sorry) that Valentino cannot and will not let go of his favorite toy. He sends Angel text after text after text, voicemails, emails, calls, you name it. We see a clip of him sending Angel a large amount of voicemails, and in each one he switched between being nice and caring to his spider baby to going full on insane! He yells at Angel in one voicemail, then starts cooing and whispering in kindly tones in the next. It’s such a terrifying way of showing the abused that the abuser can change their mood on a dime and that they can’t control it. That they need an out, something to let their frustrations out on. It terrifies the abused into staying, leaving them both to fester in this cycle of cat and mouse for a while before one of them inevitably breaks said cycle. Though it usually isn’t broken until it’s too late.

There is one upper hand that Angel has over Valentino though, and it’s that he knows what Valentino is doing and doesn’t fall for those kinds of tricks. Angel is a spider, and spiders are well-known for being tricky and sinister and gross, so naturally he’d pick up on Val’s manipulative behavior. This then leads Angel into another issue in his life though, and that’s his coping mechanisms.

Since Angel knows how terrible Valentino’s treatment towards him is, and since he knows how much it hurts him, he turns to other things that don’t exactly help. Alcohol, drugs, clubbing, more goddamn sex like can this man please just stop having sex if he wants to get away from it please can he just have a break por favor-

These are good substitutes for the pain. They are like numbing agents, or more questionable anti-depressants. Angel goes to the club to forget it all, to forget how much everything hurts. He goes to get heavy drinks so that he can forget. He gets high so he can forget. He has sex so he can forget.

He hurts himself more so that he can forget.

Rather than talking with someone and dealing with his stress and emotional turmoil head-on, Angel pushes it away. Off to the side. Bottles it up in a small plastic container where he’ll never have to see it again! But when leaving a glass of water under the tap for too long, it’ll quickly begin to overflow, and that’s what we see happen with Angel in Masquerade. It’s been so long of him using his illegal methods of forgetting, of numbing the pain and ignoring it, that everything just begins to spill over. He starts losing his touch, starts affecting those around him who clearly had nothing to do with any of it in the first place. He oversteps Husk’s boundaries, is constantly rude to Charlie and Vaggie, and just straight up ignores everyone else. (As far as I’m aware. Not mentioning Pentious in this btw cuz he’s a temporary resident at the hotel.) Even when Husk calls Angel out on his behavior, even when he calls the guy fake, the spider does not, CANNOT, budge. He remains indignant, is still a cocky little bitch, and just tries his hardest to not drag everyone else down with him. It backfires horribly, of course, and Husk soon ends up dragging him away from his escape, from his anti-depressant. And Angel snaps.

”IT’S NOT AN ACT!! It’s who I need to be…! And this? This is my escape! Where I can forget about it all, how much I hate… EVERYTHING. A place where I can get high and not have to think about how much it hurts.”

And then… We get this line.

“And maybe, if I can ruin myself enough in the process, if I end up broken, I won’t be his favorite toy anymore.

And maybe he’ll let me go.”

…

This line hurts me so much. My chest aches every time I hear it. Because what it entails is genuinely horrifying. Angel is telling Husk that he is literally just a toy to Valentino, just a perfect plastic doll that he loves in a perfect plastic house that he owns. The spider doesn’t know how much it’ll take to full break himself, doesn’t know if he’s even able to do that, but at this rate he is very ready to see if he can. He wants to do that, he wants to break himself. Angel wants to become physically unable to do Valentino’s dirty work, to get thrown away just like all of Val’s previous toys did. He wants, more than anything else, to just get tossed into the trash and get crushed by the truck that collects him, just so he doesn’t have to be hurt by Valentino anymore.

But the part of his speech that truly hurts me is when he says that MAYBE Valentino will let him go. If Angel was so sure that his idea would work, that breaking his boss’s favorite toy will get him to lose interest, he would’ve said “And then he’ll finally let me go.” But instead he says Maybe. Because Angel isn’t even sure if Valentino will let him be free after all this. He is unsure if Val will lose interest, if he’ll be tossed aside, if he’ll be able to find happiness in his afterlife once he is broken. He’s so far from what he dreamed of that he is more than willing to hurt/kill himself, even when he’s unaware if it’ll even help him in the first place.

Seriously. How sickening is that??

And again, one of the saddest aspects of all this is that real people experience these things in real time, in the real world, right now, as you are reading this. It’s terrifying, scary, downright depressing to think about! How so many people are willing to kill themselves just for the slightest chance at grasping freedom, yet are unsure if they can even reach it once they have that chance.

The worst part is, though, is that before opening up to Husk, this was literally Angel’s only way of finding freedom. To break himself apart so that he couldn’t be used anymore. If he can’t be broken, if he can’t die, then Val will just keep using and using and using Angel. He’ll keep hurting him and abusing him and manipulating him, and the poor guy is very unable to do anything about it at the moment. It’s so sad and so twisted and I hate it so much.

This episode of Hazbin Hotel has been getting a pretty fair amount of hatred just for existing, and honestly for once, I can see why. It touches on a very, very heavy subject that not too many people are fully familiar with. And even if there are people who are familiar with/have experienced SA before, they most likely did not have the same experience as Angel does in the episode. Which, yeah duh, of course they didn’t! We’re not in Hell yet! But the way they go about it is horrible. I’m assuming people are hating on the episode for both painting SA in a terrible light, and also not being true to their specific events. So, in response to this, let me just say this…

Nobody, no matter what, no matter what you do or where you go or who you are, is gonna have the same exact experience. For example, I went on a big hiking trip with my dad over the summer, and I saw many other families go on the same exact path we did. And yet I could tell they all were doing fine, and they all enjoyed themselves, while I was feeling like I was gonna fall and die at any fucking moment and I just wanted to get back on solid ground. The view was nice but the journey honestly made me think I was gonna go splat right then and there and I was not too happy about that.

What I’m saying is that I did not have the same exact experience to anyone else on that trail. Everyone else except for me was doing fine, yet their experiences were all purely their own. This is what makes us human. The difference in appearance, expression, and experience. Thus, for people to come out and watch an episode all about SA and for them to expect it to be exactly as they imagined… No. just no. Get a therapist, please, because you clearly have something wrong with you.

And as for painting SA in a terrible light… That’s… That’s good though? SA is genuinely a horrible thing and I do not, under any circumstances, want anyone ever to go through anything remotely like it. We are human beings! We have compassion in our blood! Use it, for fuck’s sake! I do not want anyone to ever be hurt by anyone else that they know or love dearly. That is a thought I’d never wish on even my greatest enemy! So yes, it should be painted in a horrible, terrible light! It’s bad!

====

———

This episode was… It was a lot. I still get sad and depressed to this day whenever I watch it. What I watch Angel go through makes me sick. However, I’m glad that issues like these are being addressed and that people are talking about it. I don’t like it in the slightest, but that’s why it should be talked about more. We need to be able to help more people, and even though I can’t right now, I pray to God that someone out there is hopefully getting the help and love that they truly do deserve.

Thank you so so much for reading through that whole thing, I know it was a long one. I just have so many thoughts on episode 4. I’ve been working on this for almost an hour and a half now btw so I am very gladly going to end it here. Hope you show some love and respect to those close to you and I really do hope you keep the negative thoughts to yourself. Now go get yourself a drink of water, go eat a banana or a bowl of cheerios, text your loved ones and hug ur stuffed animal, and have a great day/night! Thank you.

[absolutebitchgetter]

The problems of CS. Combined in one.

Since the CS ninjas are onto me, i shant give up. You will forever hear the tunes of the rumours of ABG'S unbanning.

Heres all the CS posts i can find:

All of this might share the same topic, and thats a feature of how Comic Studio doesnt - or probably will never - fix its problems. Insane. I know. However, why am i not giving up if we cant fix it?

To save people's sanity.

Im trying to get unbanned so i can prove i am trying to become a better person, and save people's mental health by pointing out thr flaws in:

-moderation

-people

-studios

-controversy

-kids

Its honestly pretty scary how kids are exposed to Jayst- i mean the toxicity of comic studio, and also how the experienced CS users are saying its worse than fucking Twitter.

Where can i begin with the fucking moderation? Where were they when i was getting banned? One is treated like an angel after the fucking outrageous calls he does. How long was i banned? 8 months? Yes. 8 Fucking Months. Above Half a year. One has literally made DOXXING JOKES TO ME and made me fear for my life. One in the cs discord takes someone elses side when i ask for a spoiler for Binding of Isaac (a pretty scary game). One is just fucking horrible at moderation. And one is probably biased after i did a few too many pings in a server. A server i owned btw, no one stopped me. You know who you are. :)

To name a few very shit studios,

-Probably fucking most of them

Probably 10% of the studios get used.

And a lot of them are just fucking shit.

We have a fucking NICK JR studio for like 2 YEAR OLDS.

When is there a fucking Despicable Me comic studio?

To name types of people:

Suspected pedophiles

probably pedophiles

pedophiles

nazis

racists

homophobes

transphobes

xenophobes

sexists

anti semetic

Jokes aside tho there are lot of people i named that are actually one of the things above. There are also lots of fucking toxic people.

To my next point

popular beats all apparently

If your popular, dont fear of being banned! You fucking wont be!

I can name, a shit ton of people that should be banned but wouldnt because they have a shit ton of followers and that would get a lot of people to quit the site.

-Puffyy (Should i say more?)

-Jaystar (☠️)

-Onion_Rabbit (Threw about users like hell, faked harassment, legit got people to witchhunt me (December 2022), was toxic to me before i got banned (unfairly) (July 2023)

-Deathzy (A fucking mpreg and sex comic untagged, did the same as Onion_Rabbit July 2023, has known cases of being cocky as fuck when they get their way)

-SarahKomik (Has threw about users under the bus pretending to victimise themselves over the slightest of out of context things. The current situation with Oka is one.)

-Zappy (The same as above.)

Theres a lot more! Holy fuck

This community has a complete fucking hivemind too.

When popular users say "this person has done something bad (slightly or horrible) target them guys" and when they say "dont harass this person pls" they're praying that the mods dont fucking mob them. Oh wait.

Its like a lot of people have pointed out popular beats all!

Also, this is how people say "fuck the rules" (e.g, Oka and me)

If you have any problems, comment it, You probably shouldnt have but if your a snowflake, combat me.

Oh yeah i also forgot Tammy got knocked about like the school thot at summer time with the football team. They need apologising yall. This is the reason why people quit, my point above. Tammy quitting is one of the worst things to happen to CS.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Looking for: not sure maybe just venting, a response if you want.

Idk if there’s tw

I want to know if anybody else has been through similar? I’ve been revictimized a lot in my life I choice to stop socializing and going to events just isolating now because I don’t wanna be abused again…

I had two abusive exes. And after the second one which was pretty bad too, I chose not to date again.

I’ve had some toxic friends but nothing too bad but they do talk a lot of shit about me and spread rumors.

Ive dealt with abusive parents which is probably what set me up for failure in other relationships.

Ive dealt with being bullied by friend groups and by classmates. A lot of people stayed away from me because they heard rumors and some people asked me weird questions like Ik they heard rumors about me.

I feel like it is never ending. And I’m just destined to be abused no matter who I meet it’ll always happen. I always feel like this’ll follow me from lifetime to lifetime and god is punishing me.

I honestly feel like I’m not traumatized or it should’ve been worse for me to complain. Idk if I have any disorders I’m not diagnosed and I can’t find a doctor because I don’t have money. I’m just depressed ig. Kind of numb most days.

It almost feels like im playing victim card or something but Ik what I’ve been through. Like it feels like everyone hates me and they must be right about me. I mean Ik everyone hates me. Nobody wants to go near me. There must be a reason im avoided, there must be a reason im hated, they must’ve seen something broken in me that I couldn’t see and they’re just doing their duty as people to cast me out or bully me. My parents were so happy to have a kid and the picture of them holding me as a baby they look so happy and so caring in those pictures. I must’ve fucked up at a young age and that’s why they didn’t want me anymore. It’s my fault and I know it. Idk what to do anymore. I’m sorry you don’t have to answer this.

Hi anon,

It's entirely up to whether or not you want to date. However it's worth considering that life is a risk and you deserve the possibility of being loved to a degree you've never experienced before. That also extends to social gatherings - human beings are social creatures and need interaction to survive and thrive. Your past experiences do not deserve to steal your ability to have joyful and meaningful connections and memories. There are ways to enjoy a social life and love life without fear of abuse.

It also sounds like you're dealing with "mythologization" which is a common experience among survivors of complex trauma. Mythologization is a term I use to describe the feeling that the abuse you've experienced is on a cosmic or spiritual level, like feeling as if your abuse was predestined by god. Especially when you've been revictimized and polyvictimized, it's even easier to feel this way.

Going drastic lengths to avoid abuse is traumatized behavior. It's also common for trauma survivors to victim-blame and gaslight themselves as you've outlined in your last two paragraphs. It's okay to acknowledge that you have trauma, but it's understandable to find difficulty in accepting this due to the consequences of being traumatized.

It's important to remember that trauma is not defined by what happened, but instead by how we are affected. This is because there are various factors that affect one's resilience - the ability to recover from an adverse experience. Everyone is dealt a unique set of cards which means that everyone had varying degrees of resilience. So what may be traumatic to you may not be traumatic to someone else, but that doesn't mean you aren't or shouldn't be traumatized. It makes sense given the hand you were dealt and that's okay. This also means that it makes little sense to compare your trauma to those you feel have it worse - because they have a completely different life, with a completely different set of cards.

A difficult part of healing is acknowledging the severity of your past while giving yourself permission to be happy and enjoy the present moment. You do not have to be miserable to be a valid trauma survivor. You deserve to be happy in spite of everything that has happened.

-Bun