#tough luck. i didn't survive shit

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

I mean I knew it'd bite me in the ass sooner or later havin him on this damn pedestal when I know he's really just some guy w/ a fuckton of baggage but

Goddamn it I just needed someone.

[apolsup]

The product of my baby fever

Fhs week day 6

Angsty Ship - Día de los muertos - Fankid

Meet the twins! Simran and Charlie Gutierrez Hernandez

Some of the first doodles I made of this + algunos q hice en whiteboard ya como más tarde

Este es mi momento, tengo todo un puto documento explicando la idea general d este au 💀

Takes place literally this 2024 not anymore pq cambie las fechas de nacimiento!

Freddy (22) is studying psychology (graduated at 18, took a sabbatical and applied for a scholarship at 20) and working part time as a waiter with Ann

(I think Freddy eventually becomes a child psychologist and/or maybe works as one at his old school? I think the whole “shadows/ghosts” deal would be what gets him to choose that route when he grows up so yeah)

Bon (21) is probably taking any job he can possibly get and would have *some* experience, aside from that he plays his guitar and sings on the streets (he does get some good money out of it but I don't think it would be enough for a living) I think if he had a scholarship he would study music and end up becoming a producer probably. Music *is* his life after all. But as of right now he is working in a coffee shop. (Because I fucking love that trope, is it a cliché? Yeah, but I dooooont care n I didn't ask)

About his home situation, he had been saving up for a while, doing some house work for his neighbors, and as soon as he turned 18 he looked for any job he could take so he could get away (cashier). At 20 years old he saved enough to rent a small apartment and survive for a few months so he could find another job because he got fired (lol, tough luck buddy)

I think they start talking at 21/22 (Freddy needs some good coffee to survive) and start dating like a year after. Like 2 years after that they move together in a slightly bigger apartment (so it can actually fit two human beings a bit more comfortably) and theeeen after a few years (maybe at 27/28??) they've save enough money to buy A HOUSE H9LY SHIT!???!!!⁉️⁉️⁉️ And they move there. Thing is, debido a esto tienen que hacer algunos recortes en su estilo de vida, like for example they gotta buy significantly cheaper shampoo and shit y'know the thing. In trying to save some moneys, they thought that since Freddys on T he couldn't get pregnant (they're both fucking stupid) so yknow...

Because of this, whoops surprise‼️ kids 4 u, ok but seriously

Like around their 26/27 fedi feels weird af but he doesn't really pay too much attention to it for a few weeks bc they just decided on the house, not too big but not too small so they felt trapped, (one floor with two bedrooms, one bathroom a kitchen and a living area)

Like they were just in the middle of moving in when they find out… tough luck ig, Freddy (and Bon too, once the babies pop out) needs to take a parental leave (after like a year and a half working on his old school lmao poor dude) during the later months of pregnancy. Now, they weren't exactly sure of the sex just yet but one thing is for sure, they were NOT expecting to have TWINS

Btw when they find out ofc Freddy was scared and panicking but he trusts Bon so he tells him about it after kind of accepting this was happening, Bon never really thought about having kids tbh (kinda came with the whole having a not so great dad) but now that he knows about the possibility (and reality) he freaks out a little, still he lets Freddy know that while he never thought about the possibility of starting a family he will support him in whatever his decision may be. Freddy thinks about it for a while but thinks what the heck, they both have stable jobs and now a big enough house to have a kid, so maybe they can do this.

So uhhh now they have to not only pack (AND unpack) all of their shit and finish moving into their new house and make it into a home asap but they also have to tell their friends and family AND get prepared for this uhhh permanent experience of parenthood yay!

Everyone is as (if not more) surprised as them, their friends congratulate them and are super excited to meet the little thing (little did they know… it would be TWO little things)

The twins, (Simran and Charlie Maybe idk) use one room, they sleep on bunk beds (Charlie uses the one in the floor bc she thinks that way she can get out of bed easier and bc Freddy and Bon didn't want her to get hurt if she fell out of bed as she usually does. She has drawings hung on her wall. Simran has those sticky figures that charge with light and then shine in the dark by her head, they're a moon and a bunch of stars), they got a computer some time after turning 10 as a gift probably so they can play or do their school work. Bon and Freddy use the other room and idk thats it ig this au is mostly just fluffy family time, lo tengo para tirar todas mis ideas de tener wawas pq sé q es solo my baby fever talking and (probably) not really what I actually want

I also made some drawings to imagine the house bc of course I had to

[notmorbid]

the angel of indian lake, pt. 1.

dialogue prompts from the angel of indian lake by stephen graham jones.

you're going to secondhand kill me.

this place is dead. someone just needs to bury it.

this is your brain on drugs.

i hope you really do get out of here someday.

maybe we could skinny dip while we're here.

we always find each other again, don't we?

if only i could take you with me when i leave.

you're going to have the world wrapped around your finger.

once the clock strikes midnight, anything can happen.

home is where the heart is, isn't it?

it doesn't have to be this way.

you just like the way i was before.

things do not happen. things are made to happen.

there's more. just wait. just hold on.

i made it through, and now i'm back.

it's not like history changes, right?

you don't walk into my house and tell me what's what.

pictures can do all the work of words.

you were a kid the last time i saw you.

you don't measure moms in height. you measure them in ferocity.

the shit kind of just accumulates.

it's not my responsibility anymore.

i wanted to be the one to tell you.

you're still a weirdo. you know that, don't you?

i don't even vouch for myself.

any trust you give will be used against you.

you think i voted for you?

no body, no crime.

you never stop, do you?

talking about it all just keeps it alive. happening.

this is great, talking to you. we should do it all the time.

still a man, so still 99% an idiot.

i'll walk away from anything for ___. you know that.

can you draw any redder of an x on me?

don't. even saying it is bad luck.

a lot can burn down overnight.

if i don't say it, i can't make it real.

what does it feel like to be loved like that?

i think i just wanted someone to listen to me.

in my head, at least, i'm honest. it's when i open my mouth that things get complicated.

you shouldn't let yourself think about that kind of shit.

in your head, in your secret heart, it's easy to be tough.

i'm pissed at the world, not just you.

you shouldn't be surprised about a little graverobbing.

'evil' and 'christian' are interchangeable to indians.

i think i liked you better when you didn't think like a cop.

when does your pretty wife get back?

nobody has ever said anything that nice to me before.

that would be a pretty good song, 'if i die in a canoe'.

i've always wondered how religions get started.

just because you were locked up doesn't mean the world stopped turning.

i didn't want anyone to see you like this.

captain goes down with the ship.

i just slept the night through, didn't i?

inside every compliment is a burrowing insult.

can i tell you a secret? i actually kind of like the price is right.

you just live here. same as the rest of us.

playing by the rules is supposed to be the key to survival.

you think i'm a biker?

you shouldn't be here alone.

who even are you, really?

that's probably not jelly, is it?

you're older than your years.

in small towns, you wear a lot of hats.

it's not exactly my first rodeo.

where does a name like that come from?

when you have long hair, birds make you nervous.

my mom would kick my ass if i wasn't a gentleman.

capitalism doesn't exactly keep your hands clean.

understanding and approving are two different things.

you don't turn the other cheek much, do you?

have you been getting my mental texts?

solve the mysteries you can solve.

if you don't like it, don't look.

i don't want you to be uncomfortable.

[theyapper0]

How does Lute feel about what happened between her and Vaggie in your AU?

Lute is a commander dedicated to her cause, dedicated to Heaven, everything she knew and believed in was taught to Vaggie by HER. Vaggie was practically an EXTENSION of herself (both literally and figuratively)

I DO think that Lute cared for Vaggie, I think before Vaggie fell, they both cared for each other IMMENSELY. They literally did everything together even outside of training and stuff. BUT.....

My Lute is a very................. unemotional person. Like, she's cool to hang around with and stuff but, she's kinda like your emotionally distant dad. Her and Vaggie were close and I think Vaggie's 'betrayal' (that's how she sees it) really did hurt but since she's not one to want to or even have TIME to think about those feelings, Lute on the outside is cold and unaffected.

Okay this is long so rest is under the cut 😋

I think she tried reason with herself that this was BOUND to happen. 'Vaggie has always been too nice', 'she was never cut out for this anyway', 'She only got as far as she did by sheer dumb luck', stuff like that.

She tells herself this but on the inside, this shit hurts like a BITCH!!!!!!! Because FUCK!!!!!!!! They were each others' everything at one point!!!!! (In a familiar sense) Lute literally taught her eveything she knew!!!! She was her mentor!!!!! They LOVED EACH OTHER!!!!!!! And it fucking HURTS to know Vaggie had gone against Heaven and had broken one of their rules that Lute KNEW that she ALWAYS followed.

I imagine that sometimes, during the RARE instances that Lute finds herself with nothing to do, she thinks about Vaggie. She would wonder what made that Extermination Day any different from the THOUSANDS they've done before? What about one child made Vaggie do a complete one 180? What made Vaggie spare a Sinner?

(What would have happened if Lute pretended not to see Vaggie do it?)

But it happened and it was done. Lute HAD to de-wing Vaggie, she HAD to leave her in Hell. It was punishment. Heaven doesn't do second chances when it comes to the exorcists, it just doesn't work like that (Lute never questioned why).

And you can totally skip this part if you didn't read my fanfic (I wouldn't blame you for not LOL)

(SPOILERS BTW‼️‼️‼️)

Towards the 2nd of the fic, during the Extermination when Vaggie and Charlie reunite and Lute approaches them, Lute has on full Exorcist Angel armor obvi so the others can't see her face or how she's feeling IT'S A METAPHOR BC IM SO ARTSY FARTSY!!!!!!

Lute puts up these walls so no one, not even Vaggie, knows how she truly feels, she does this because of her position, so it makes sense for her walls to personify in her ARMOR!!

In the fanfic, the entire scene, Lute is paying NO MIND to Charlie, her attention is on Vaggie the whole time, which should be concerning as she's a literal exorcist and the princess of Hell is standing right in front of her.

It's a moment of weakness for Lute. She doesn't say anything but it was important that she saw Vaggie. She knew Vaggie would survive in Hell, not just because (at that point, what they all still believed) Angels couldn't die, but also Because, despite all the things Lute tried to convince herself about Vaggie after she was banished, she knew that Vaggie was tough, that she could handle anything.

The surprise wasn't seeing Vaggie, it was seeing Vaggie, narrow eyed (single eyed, because of her), and with her spear pointed at Lute.

Lute was now an enemy to Vaggie.

So Vaggie was an enemy to Lute.

TLDR; Lute did and STILL DOES care for Vaggie and she was SUPER upset about Vaggie sparing a Sinner and she does wish things turned out differently but has repressed her emotions so much that all she could reason within herself is that Vaggie got what was coming to her for betraying Heaven and after seeing her fight on the side of Hell, she understands that they're enemies for all of eternity

[ignoremeimnothere]

Meet Cute

Disclaimer I HATE the ending but I worked through a good few rewrites of this and I'm quite proud with how much it improved from the initial write. It's definitely still shit though. Have I sold it? Usually I can only dedicate one writing session to my stuff, wanting it gone as soon as possible but ya gal is on a mission and dedicated some days. Also sorry y'all but this is on the dark side TW: Death, Suicide and Attempted Suicide

3016 Word Count

You were finally done. It had been a decade of fighting to survive an apocalypse. You wouldn’t have made it two minutes if it hadn’t been for your older brother Arthur who had protected you through it all. It was him who had gotten you both out of the initial chaos, who gave you tough love when you wanted to succumb, had taught you the basics of how to win a fight and to keep yourself fed.

Surviving an apocalypse took unimaginable acts. Arthur taught you this lesson. He was more familiar with violence, having done a stint in the Gulf War. You were the opposite, more on the sensitive side and originally a little hippie-ish. You knew he would always protect you but he also forced you to get your hands bloody early on, you didn't have a choice. Very quickly though you learned that survival requires violence. It was almost comical how simple an apocalypse made life seem sometimes. Hunt the animal or starve. Keep running or get caught. Kill or be killed. 

After hiding in Arthur’s shadows for your entire childhood, your adolescence ragged you out. Now in womanhood you stood beside him. Armed, angry and ready. 

Modern requirements of survival meant going on raids. Rations had now completely run out and what followed would be a scavenge in the next town you found. Your stomach ached, it had been days of running on empty. The daze from going for weeks without a good night's sleep helped to ease the pain. 

The relief of entering a new town relaxed the muscles in your limbs. Rows of houses that looked frozen in time. The only thing out of place were the smashed windows and rotting wood. You’d be lucky if there was anything left but you felt good about the place. The further you got into the neighbourhood the more you noticed how much it mimicked the quiet neighbourhood you had both grown up in.

The first few homes were bare. After a decade of raids you could do this dance in your sleep. Silent, guns aimed, thinking ahead and watching your backs. It was lawl to clear each room of any danger before allowing someone to start rummaging. By the sixth home the brick walls began to look like safety. You hadn’t seen a soul for miles and nothing seemed out of place since you had arrived. 

‘I need a slash’ Arthur’s announcement broke down the last of your act. 

You rolled your eyes moving into the new house alone. Your new found nonchalance took you through the kitchen noisily. The desperation to find something in the cupboards required your full agility, convincing you to shed your pack onto the kitchen table. Nothing in the overhead cupboards, not so much as a crumb in the bottom ones. Slamming the cupboards was meant to make you feel better but did it fuck. 

Patience was a virtue you didn't have a lot of. With Arthur still missing the temptation to stomp up each stair was too strong to resist. Though black and blue, you still had some feeling in your feet. A pair of socks that weren’t missing huge holes of fabric was something you could kill for. Wiggling your feet it became apparent how badly you wanted a thick pair. Hopefully you’d be in luck, socks were not the highest demand of raiders. You had to leave this place with something at least. 

The first bedroom had been a bust, despite it clearly having belonged to a young child you hadn’t the heart to not at least check. You were only onto the third drawer when you thought you heard something. It couldn’t be. A knot began to tighten in your gut nonetheless. The hairs on the back of your neck stood up and you began to feel your heart beating. Silence returned.

History taught you to always trust your instinct. A silent prayer crossed your mind, the carpeted room allowing you to return to the threshold silently. A scan of the hallway detected nothing new. If you could punch yourself you would, Arthur was still outside. Your pack was discarded on the dining table and- FUCK. Your hand ghosted your belt missing the cool metal of your gun. Your breath hitched at the realisation causing a stir from one of the adjacent rooms. You watched with bated breath unsure whether to bolt down stairs or stay as still as you could. Try as you might, the tremble in your arms prevailed. Another commotion came from the room, you made to run but the sound of clicking stopped you in your tracks. 

Fuck. 

It had been a while since you had seen one. Staying in the country for a few months meant that humans were the only monsters you had to worry about. You had thought. You heard it make its way to the door. It's screeching growing more urgent. You didn't dare step back, not even when it jerked from behind the door and into view. Confronted with the monster you could see that it was relatively fresh, the human form still noticeable. The face of a middle aged woman peeked out amongst the fungus. Racking your brain you rationalised that it wouldn’t be as strong as one that had fully turned, and you had killed those before, alone even. You just needed your gun. The painful reminder that you had left it downstairs made your face flush. 

The clickers body contorted, another step and you would have been able to get a clean shot. Your head began to spin with rage. You felt like a fucking idiot, no clue how to manage the situation you had put yourself into. Holding still seemed to buy you time, now would be the best moment to conjure a plan. This thing had been a middle aged woman once, you were a strong fighter, you could take it down if needs be. Bash its skull in. Yeah you had a chance. 

The sound of the front door creaking open downstairs turned your blood cold. You’d hoped the thick tension would have seeped out of the house as a warning to him. Erupting into chaos the clicker moved frantically bolting for the staircase. 

‘RUN’ You scream as a warning.

You lunged after it. Your brother's panicked eyes met yours for a split second before the clicker threw itself down the staircase, screaming as it fell directly onto him. 

‘GUN. GUN.’ Arthur roared as he struggled to wrestle with death.

You lunged down after it, leaping past to find your weapon discarded on the table like a fucking pair of house keys. Adrenaline shook your whole body and a scream clawed out your throat in frustration as you struggled to cock the gun. You knew you had to get close to make sure you didn’t shoot Arthur, he had to stay alive. You returned in a matter of seconds, but that's all it took. Trusting he taught you well Arthur growled as he struggled to shove the fucker off him, battling for distance in order to give you a clear shot. You began to shoot, firing repeatedly until it released its grip. Once you saw Arthur was free you hauled it away from him instantly before smashing its head in with the handle of the gun. Again and again and again until the head became mush. 

The sound of your blood pumping was deafening. It took you some time before you could hear Arthur’s voice but it was only when he shouted your name did you realise he had been calling you. Your sight remained on the lifeless creature sprawled across the floorboards. How fucking stupid could you be, how dead could you be if it hadn’t been for him, was another one close by? You jumped off of it, looking for your pack that was left in the kitchen. 

‘We’ve got to go," you spoke. 

You heard your name called in a tone that stopped your frenzy but it had to be repeated before you had the courage to look his way. Arthur was sat up, hand holding his neck.

‘Move your hand’ You commanded to see what he was poorly holding. 

 He moved slowly revealing a bite mark. The earth stood still in the time it took to hit you. You doubled over as if you had been kicked in the gut. A retch burst out of your mouth

‘Listen to me.’ Arthur spoke to you in the same tone he had the night the world erupted into chaos. 

‘No, no no no no’. You went dizzy, the horrors of the past decade flashing through your mind. 

He called your name again. ‘It’s ok, you're ok. I need you to listen to me.’

A sob broke out of your chest as you met his eye. This side of Arthur was not one you saw often. He had his tough side where your feelings were irrelevant to him, practicality was the priority. His compassionate side, where he let you cry, and entertained your sorrows. He only allowed them to overlap in moments like this. Moments where your life was about to change and you needed to be guided. 

‘You know how to hunt,’

‘Arthur I can’t’ You sounded like a child.

‘You know how to hunt. You know how to fight. You know how to camp.’ He spoke matter of factly. You shook your head squinting your eyes shut. ‘I’m sorry’ His voice quivered, the first time you’d ever heard him do it. He swallowed quickly in an attempt to regain composure. ‘You need to stay alive. You need to head north. That town, Jackson, it must be real. You’ve got to find it. You can survive without me. 

‘Arthur I can’t -’ Your voice breaks again ‘- not without you’.

Arthur pulls you into him, squeezing you as tight as he possibly can without breaking your bones, your grip on him just as tight. 

‘You can, I need you to. I Love you stink.’ He hesitates for a moment. ‘You need to keep moving.’

You pull back, feeling him reach for something. He moves his attention to the gun, your gun, now in his hands. He takes a deep breath before checking the barrel. You sit and watch him unable to detach yourself from the moment. One bullet left, you could almost laugh. 

‘You know I have to’ He speaks to you again, as though you were the same twenty year old who had to grow up fast when the world changed. You knew it too. You wanted to talk to him, trap him in a conversation forever, a constant evasion of what was staring you in the face.

‘I love you," Was all you could choke out, you grabbed him, yanking him in as close as you could. 

He repeated the phrase, returning your embrace. He began to rock you as you shook. There was no way of telling how much time had passed but forever wouldn't have lasted as long as you needed it to. He took your face in his and kissed the crown of your head. You could feel the heat burning through his hands as sweat started glistening on his forehead. A weight swallowed your shoulders as his leather jacket was wrapped around you. Taking your trembling hands in his he put his gloves over yours, giving what he could to ensure your safety.

Your body began to rack with sobs as denial and grief engulfed you. Swallowing another lump Arthur promptly got up off the floor and grabbed the ankles of the monster that had destroyed your life twice. You heard him dragging it out of the house, heard him hesitate before the snow crunched underneath his boots, until they were out of earshot. You went quiet, holding your breath waiting for your brother to reappear in front of you. Hope ruined when you heard the distant gunshot. 

~~~~~~~

That had been three days ago. You hadn’t found the strength to move from that house, all you had really done was cry and sleep. The hunger pains in your stomach had abandoned you, and in a weird way they made you feel more alone. You had debated your next step since your brother told you to continue. Grief had sucked you into its black hole instead and it took until now to have a revelation. 

You simply didn’t want to go on. Your only real purpose in life had become keeping your brother safe, whether or not you ever really had to was another question. That purpose had vanished in the space of a second, and it was your fault. The world was still black and white though. If you let your guard down, you’ll suffer. If you don’t protect your brother, he’ll die. If you don’t want to carry on, dont.

The obvious solution had taken this long to reach you. Logistically it was tricky, you had run out of ammunition, and there was no way you were going to collect your weapon anyway. It would take a bit more effort and courage. The house had a garage which you had searched, not expecting to find much but to your surprise there was a lot of random shit in there. It didn’t take you long to search for something you could use, rope. 

You set straight to work. You thought of your next steps instantly, seeing clearly for the first time in months. There were wooden beams across the ceiling in the kitchen, you laughed. Some middle class house wifes dream home had given you the perfect escape route. You sat down to focus on tying the rope, you forgot the name of it but the memory of your brother showing you a range of knots flashed through your mind. A stabbing pain in your heart returned, it had been tormenting you since becoming alone. The tears begin again as you throw the rope over the beam, securing it. A few tugs left the trap intact. You were not wanting to waste any time, dragging the kitchen chair in place. It had rotted like most of the furniture, you just prayed it wouldn’t give way before you had gotten in position.

You felt a harsh chill rush through the room. Hopefully this would be quick, painless, and would take you away from here. Your adrenaline had returned and with it the deafening ruckus in your ears. You could almost taste the relief. You reached up to grab the rope, the tremble in your arms now completely gone. 

‘HEY’ A shrill voice calls from behind. 

The voice of unexpected company causes your head to whip around. It took a moment for your swollen eyes to focus, A small girl with rosy cheeks and eyes brimming with tears returns your gaze. She struggles to spit out what she’s trying to say. The complication of how to word her question etched on her crinkled expression. Her body jolted with distress.

‘What?’ It came out softly. A step above lifeless. 

She took your curiosity as an offering of help, prompting her to take a breath.

‘Help. Help to get him in here.’ With that she disappeared from view. 

You followed her tentatively. Her desperation pulls you back into reality, with the same urgency of  a child dragging their parents to a park. In the hallway, lying in the same spot you had lost your brother was an older looking man. He wore a flannel under his cargo jacket and jeans Sweat glistened across his forehead despite the icy conditions. When his eyes met yours frustration washed over his face. 

‘Ellie’ Calling her name winds him and his whole body tenses. 

The girl he named busies herself with ripping up a rag she had grabbed from the kitchen. She lifts his shirt haphazardly and shoves it into his wound. He instinctively grabs her arm with force before peeling himself off her. Eyes returning to yours. 

‘Joel I dont know what the fuck to do’ She shouts pushing deeper into his stomach. 

You don't know what to do either, but watching the girl freak out shocks you into taking over. Your grief threatens to suffocate you, as you wish you could trade places with these strangers. Wish it could be you begging for help with Arthur who had a wound that didn’t mean certain death. Instead you took another gulp of air and wordlessly bent down to Joel. You put your hands over Ellie’s, causing the man to tense again. You avoid his glaring eyes as you inspect the wound. He’d been stabbed by the looks of it. Too big and shallow to be a knife. You return the compression that is helping to stop the bleeding. 

‘My Pack, there’s a thread and needle in the zipper’ Ellie returns to the room you gestured to. 

Joel grabs your arm, demanding you to meet his eye. You do and he studies your face for a moment. You were still struggling to focus with how puffed and sore they were. A blank expression remained painted on you. His lips purse as he tries to speak. He doesn't manage to form a word, and you watch as exhaustion washes over him. The lines in his forehead ease as he watches between you and Ellie through the doorway behind. As you feel Ellie return to your side, Joel is out like a light. 

She holds the requested items right in front of your face silently begging you to save the man she was trying to save. You'd have thought it was her dad if she hadn’t addressed him by name. Her expression relaxed slightly, relieved to share the burden of responsibility. She shoves the items at you again, silently asking for you to do something now. You take them from her, the bulletproof plan you were conducting mere minutes ago now the furthest thing in your mind. Your way out could wait. Right now, you were here and you were gonna try your damned hardest to help this girl keep her partner.

[batsplat]

maybe it's from the particularly acute disappointment of marc injuring himself at the sachsenring but this weekend (so far) has made me feel incredibly nervous for marc's future. like no guarantees of course but if marc was going to win anywhere this year (when the gap between the gp23 and gp24 is increasingly obvious, as you mentioned) it was going to be here. and i'm definitely overreacting because i'm emotional about it but it feels like him hurting himself here feels like a bad sign not just for this year but for the future at large. because it's a reminder that his body can't handle the riding style that used to take him so far. scary!

taking these two together ahahaa. this is truly the life of a sports fan huh

honestly with marc I've now swung so often and so far between 'it's so over' and 'we've never been more back' that I've gotten to an exciting point of. well. I suppose we'll have to see. I mean look, back in that jerez to catalunya stretch it did look like he might be able to be a serious title contender this season. at risk of making myself look like an idiot, I think we can pretty safely conclude that's not happening this year. but y'know, broadly what he needs to do is to figure his shit out for the rest of the year... like he kinda needs to just understand what this version of him can do under what circumstances. the thing about winning is that it's also a habit, it's something that becomes essentially muscle memory, you need to kinda have that reflexive understanding of how you've done it in the past - both in the context of races and titles. and it's still in there for him!! but he's just got to... take the rest of the season to chip away at the gap. currently, pecco and jorge don't just have the edge on him in pace, they have the edge on him in process. that's not just the bike, though it is also affected by marc being less familiar with the ducati. but pecco and jorge have just kind of gotten to the point where they know how to approach most weekends in a way where, more often or not, they will kinda maximise what was on offer for them that weekend. sometimes they chuck it down the road! but in terms of pure pace potential, right now they're getting to the point where they're there. marc is just a series of 'what ifs'. they're not all his fault, he's gotten unlucky, he's in a tough situation, he's still getting used to the new tracks on a ducati etc etc etc... but that's what this year is for. figure out the process, figure out how you actually go about getting wins in the current era - keeping your physical condition in mind - and take it from there

the physical stuff is the... yeah. the thing is, I do think he is capable of winning without all this crashing to figure out the limit. honestly, this approach of his made me deeply uneasy well well before what happened at jerez 2020. that injury and aborted comeback didn't feel like a fluke, it didn't feel like bad luck - in an awful way, it did feel like it had been a long time coming. that being said... well, y'know, marc was the only one who could win titles on the late 2010s honda, and part of the reason for that was that he figured out how to get a capricious bike just to the limit during races. you do not need to chuck the bike down the road fifty times per season to win the title on the ducati. pecco and jorge have very much shown that. sometimes it will just be dumb luck who gets injured or not! the sachsenring crash yesterday you can't really put down to marc being stupid or being irresponsible. he was hardly the only one who fell, weather conditions were tricky, shit does happen (not ideal that he tried to save the crash specifically because he knew his other bike had problems, plus the thing where he went out again before going to the medical centre, mind you). sometimes you fall a lot and you're fine, like marc for most of his prime. sometimes you crash at the start of the race and fall in front of the pack and your survival is up to fate. which is of course what happened last year to pecco, still one of the scariest crashes I've ever seen live in terms of crashes where you really do think you just got very very close to watching someone be killed in real time. this is the thing, right... at the end of the day, you can hope that marc finds an approach that relatively minimises the risk to his body - but also, you can only control so much. especially with where his body is at right now, there's only so many bad knocks you can take. you never know, you can only hope

overall, I have been thinking for a while that it's almost a bit... odd? how the physical stuff hasn't really featured at all in 2025-26 hot takes? I reckon people don't really want to think about it playing a big role, and also I suppose 'well one of them could get injured' is treated as just an underlying assumption of following motorcycle racing... but like we saw with catalunya last year, it's not just stuff that takes you out for ten races that can have big title race repercussions. especially given how marc traditionally went about winning titles, how big a part of that process it was for him. we've had such an incredible lucky streak from the start of the season until mugello that being afraid of injuries has almost... receded a little bit? in everyone's minds? after last year, in particular, where it just felt like you were always worrying about someone, it was just so relentless... and now injury worries have just come back with a vengeance these last few weeks and it is a little scary. a lot of this is scary. no real escaping it I'm afraid

but yes! anon! I agree with you! we'll get back to the smile and we'll get back to the optimism too.. at the end of the day, you can only do what you can do. we'll see what happens. if we're all massively underestimating just how much that sweet red bull cash can do and ktm comes out with a rocket ship next year and pedro wins the next ten titles, so be it. you never know

[lukaswars]

Tetratrichobothrius Flavicaudis

Summary: When Oliver's plan of killing Felix goes wrong and he survives, the man drifts off into total madness. He finds comfort in Greek Mythology and he comes back to Felix with a plan - he wants to show the other man what happens to creatures that don't play along to his little games.

TW: attempted murder (mentioned)

Word Count: 1,065 words

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Saltburn characters nor do I claim to own them. I do not own any of the images/gifs used nor do I claim to own them.

Comments, likes, and reblogs are appreciated mwah 🫃

The vein on his is so tempting, the sweet, sweet scent of his sweat and the goosebumps on his arms, the dilated pupils and his whiny voice. Oliver gulps as he gets another whiff of Felix, the great amount of pheromones making the temptation unendurable for him. He struggles to pay attention to a single word his friend is saying, his mind is racing. A tiny droplet of sweat runs down Oliver's back, making him aware of his own vulnerable state. He can't escape this, it will always be like this. Oliver always looks for a new victim, this time however, he found someone special. Someone he wants to devour, yet keep alive forever.

—

Felix's body is barely breathing, he is barely even alive. His life depending on the silver machine tied to him. It was all just luck, he was lucky to survive the posion, lucky to survive Oliver's anger. He survived it, he didn't escape Oliver, though. And Felix knows, he knows Oliver is present in his room. Watching him breathe slowly, listening to the subtly and annoying beeps, the green line demonstrating Felix's heartbeat. Oliver is here and he came with a plan.

"I know you've been feeling quite lonely, mate. Must be tough to find out how many people actually give a shit about their oh-so loved rich boy, isn't it? How often did your friends visit you, Felix? Did they even come by once? Has it just been Venetia and Farleigh? I've been trying to show you, nobody cares about you as much as I do. They don't care about your endless talking, your endless rants about things that don't matter. Nobody ever cared, Felix." Oliver chuckles as he pulls up his long sleeves. "You know that, though, don't you? That people only want your money. That's why you pretend to be such a sweet, sweet boy, to manipulate people into caring about you. I know what you are, you're a fucking freak, a little pervert. A fucked up little pervert, Felix. You watched me consume parts of you, you got off to the fact that I was always there, watching you. You wanted me, you wanted to fuck me so badly."

Felix can't reply, the medicine he's taking is barely keeping him consious. He just stares at Oliver, the man who has been fullfilling his darkest fantasies, the man who tried to kill him a few nights ago.

"I brought you a little present, something to remind you of your position." Oliver's voice was low, symbolizing lust. He proceeds to step closer, his hand reaching in his pocket. Felix's eyes widen as he recognizes that in the jar, made of glass, is a rather big, black scorpion captured. It's sealed with a lid, the scorpion seems to have accepted it's fate already. "He's gorgeous, isn't he? I got him the other day, he's quite calm, for a scorpion anyway. Thought I might introduce you guys and now seems like the perfect time to do so. Felix Catton, this is Hades, my Tetratrichobothrius Flavicaudis, my little project." Oliver doesn't take his eyes off the scorpion as he walks even closer, letting Felix smell his own aftershave. "Are you any familiar with Greek Mythology? Hades stands for Scorpios, debatable but the best zodiac sign, in my eyes. He stands for passion, secrecy and boldness. When I found out about them, I had to get one for myself. My own little Hades to keep."

Felix gulps, he desperately wants to move, get away from Oliver who is actively scaring him, the deadly animal in his hands like it means nothing to him.

"He's pissing me off, though, he doesn't really play along to my games like any human would. He has his own mind and he's hungry, Felix. Hungry for some insects, something filled to the brim with blood, something with a beating heart he can tear apart." He shakes the jar. "Am I right, Hades? You're upset with daddy, he has been neglecting his poor son for too long." Felix mouth opens, he wants to tell Oliver to leave him alone, he doesn't want to play these games anymore. He's scared and Oliver knows. "It's about time I show both of you what happens when you don't play along, about time I show you why it's better to do anything to please me." Within a few seconds, he unscrews the lid. Felix whimpers quitely, fear and adrenaline filling his body up. He needs help, someone has to be around to help him, right? "Don't be scared, pretty one, even if he hurts you, you won't be in pain for a long time." Felix starts to question whether Oliver really has done some research on scorpions, even he knows that getting stung by one can cause pain for several hours. If he didn't, he is literally bat shit crazy for carrying one around with him for god-knows how long.

Felix watches, his eyes wide in fear, as Oliver's fingers reach for the black, glossy animal like it's a hamster. He gives up and turns the jar upside down. As it falls right in Oliver's hand, a small gasp leaves the other man's mouth. "There we go, now let me just," with his bare hands, Oliver twists the insects head, killing it instantly. "Bye-bye Hades." For the first time in several minutes, he looks up, a pout on his lips, the dead body in his hands. Felix feels a flash of relief running through his veins, he closes his eyes for a second. "Now, onto the interesting part."

A loud crack causes Felix to tear his eyes open again. The dead, poor body of the scorpion was now in Oliver's mouth. He's eating it, raw. There isn't a single expression on his face. Not a single sign of regret. The cracking sounds of it's outer shell breaking makes Felix feel sick, he doesn't want to see this, he wants to look away. He can't, though, his eyes are glued to Oliver's sharp teeth that continue to dig into the little body.

"If you can't be what you want to be, you have to take it in your own hands. I wasn't lucky enough to be a scorpio at birth, consuming one will turn a part of me into one, though. If Hades wants my forgiveness he should beg for it, on his knees."

[krowjones]

Hello there, I´m really excited about this idea and couldn't help but wonder what are the answers for ⚔️ and 🍂

Aditionally, if both of you feel like it, what would the answer for 🤔 be?

⚔️ CROSSED SWORDS — do you have any skills that you are absolutely grateful you have and that mean a lot to you? how do you usually use these skills?

Teen Krow tapped his cheek as he thought. "Skills that mean a lot to me…" He smiled. "I was taught Lou Jitsu-style martial arts. I can throw a mean punch and a meaner kick," he boasted, puffing his chest out a little.

"Am I the best martial artist ever? No way. That title goes to the turtles and Splinter himself. But watching those training videos as a kid, and then sensei building on that during training, got me through the apocalypse. I'm grateful for that."

"And how else do I use those skills? To beat the ever-living shit out of the Krang!" he proudly declared with a fist in the air and fire in his eyes. "And maybe to stop some other crime along the way," he added more calmly.

��⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

🍂 FALLEN LEAVES — how would you metaphorically describe your life and the journey(s) you've been on?

Old Krow thought for a bit, stroking his beard, and then smiled. "Like climbing Mount Everest."

After a beat, he elaborated. "I recently learned about this." Illustrating with his hands, he moved them higher and higher as he explained. "You start at the base of the mountain then move up to base camp. You have to get acclimated to the thin air at that altitude for a long time. Then you finally start your ascent. But it's extremely dangerous despite the help you get and even in the best conditions. People around you could die due to anything — stupidity, lack of fitness, lack of cooperation, bad luck. The environment is against you, sometimes an avalanche happens that people could get caught in. Or frostbite, or hypothermia. And you have to keep moving forward anyway."

He paused to collect his thoughts. "On Mount Everest, you can't really save people so easily. To be blunt, there's dead bodies everywhere. Maybe just out of sight, covered in snow and ice, but you know they're there and haunt the mountain. It can feel hopeless at times. And it's so hard to adapt to the harsh environment you're in." He shrugged. "But you can't be distracted by the death or potential death or how harsh things are. You have to adapt and use all you got to survive." His voice turned grave. "Your only goal is for you, and hopefully everyone in your group, to make it to the top and back down again — alive."

Old Krow let out a little sigh and sadly smiled. "But when you're finally at the top… hell, I can only imagine how amazing the view is. Must really be something. It's got to be incredible, for people to risk their lives for it."

He leaned in close to the camera, smile widening to a playful grin, and whispered. "Little Me doesn't know he's nearly at the top already." He winked. "Don't tell him, though."

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

🤔 THINKING FACE — what three emotions tend to dominate your mindset? do you know why they do?

Teen Krow scrunched up his face in thought and bounced his leg.

"Ooh, that stumped him," Old Krow teased when the teen didn't respond for a long time.

"Shut up, I'm thinking," the younger one snapped, his leg bouncing more.

Old Krow chuckled. "How about anger?"

"Fine. Anger. Fear. And sadness," the teen finally answered glumly. He leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees and cradle his cheek in his hand. "And probably because everything sucks even though everything's fine now. Except it isn't really."

Old Krow's brow wrinkled in concern over his younger counterpart's moodiness but did not comment on it. Instead he looked to the audience. "Our emotions are pretty strong and we feel them often, so it's tough for both of us to say. But I'll still try to answer the question."

He swayed in his seat and hummed. "Me, I think I'm pretty happy these days. Of course, I don't think my angry streak will ever leave me," he said with a small nod toward the younger counterpart. "I just channel it all into fighting crime now. And the last one…" He rubbed the back of his neck, smiling shyly. "Well, I do still worry a lot. There's lots to be concerned about."

He casually leaned back in his seat and put his feet up, looking pretty comfortable. "But that's life for ya!"

[dream-meister-translations]

CROW - VOICE COLLECTION

━

"Okay, we're all set! Let's get going!"

"Haha, you know, I'm starting to take you for granted."

"Which country will we venture to next?"

"All right, let's have some fun!"

"How 'bout we grab a bite to eat somewhere?"

"I wonder what kind of people we'll run into."

"Oh, you're preparing an expedition? Better be sure you're making the right choice. You never know what might happen."

"Well, the harder the work, the better the reward! Come on, cheer up, and let's do our best!"

"I'm soooo happy to see you! I can't wait to see the world like I've never seen it before! Where do you wanna go first?"

"First aid… Survival kit… Wait, you don't have a map? Oh, well I'll just follow my gut."

"We're both Moon Wanderers, so you can count on me for anything, okay? I'm here."

"I'm counting on you today. No matter how tough it gets. Together, we can overcome anything."

"Leave it to me."

"This is exciting! Let the adventure begin!"

"Let's keep it moving, full speed ahead!"

"Three in a row!"

"I won't miss!"

"Watch me!"

"I got this one! Concentrated fire! Kaboom!"

"I can still fight…!"

"Who the Hell's gonna stop us!?"

"Damn, look at this treasure! We did it!"

"We're not done yet!"

"I hope you'll keep relying on me."

"The journey has only just begun! Let's have even more from here on out!"

"I truly believe you and I can do anything together. We'll be fine no matter what comes our way. I promise!"

"Hey, I've been thinking… I'm happy that you're with us. It's nice having you around like this."

"Home… Huh? Oh, no, it's nothing. I just mean our home. The Moon Wanderers home…"

"Hm? You woke me up. That's okay. I'll be right here next to you so why don't you get some rest?"

"We'll stay together. Whatever the treasure. Whatever the adventure. I want to share it with you from here on."

"The stars are beautiful… I wonder what they'll look like tomorrow."

"Full speed ahead!"

"Okay, partner, we're all set! Think you can keep up?"

"It's nice going out casually like this every once in a while, huh? Let's have fun today!"

"That was fun! We should go out again like this!"

"You know that super-popular cake shop? They sell out of cheesecake all the time! Well, would you believe I just got the last piece before they sold out!"

"Have I had any luck lately? Uh… Oh! I was weating shellfish the other day and found pearls in it! They were huge! And beautiful!"

"Did you know I almost got swallowed whole by a monster once? But he was soooo big I was able to squeeze my way through the gap in it's teeth!"

"I feel extraordinarily lucky these days…"

"I'm so glad I found you! That's all there is to it!"

"Hey! It's nice to meet you again as Meister and Guild Keeper!"

"You wanna know what tools I keep handy? Well, it depends on the day, but as an adventurer, I always have a rope and knife on me!"

"Oh, aren't you a sight for sore eyes! I know the price is outrageous but those bandages work wonders!"

"Oh, that? That's the stone I picked up at the ruins we were… Just… Ex... Ploring… Shit! I forgot to give it to Lannes!"

"Do you really wanna know what's in my bag that badly? N-No, there's nothing weird in there! Just… Be careful, okay?"

"It's just some knives and gunpowder… It's dangerous, and I didn't want you getting hurt by accident…"

"If you're that interested, I'll have to teach you how to use them one day."

"If you wanna know what I do, I'll take you with me next time. The best way to learn is to get your hands dirty."

"Hmm… There's a lot of responsibility resting on your shoulders… Deciding everything we do. Haha, isn't that what YOU said?"

"Oh, for me, it's all about having fun! The harder it is, the more excited I get!"

"…Oh! It's important to remember: One of the best things about being alone is being free to do anything you want!"

"But if you have someone you can count on… Well… You can do way more things and achieve even greater results!"

"So… A few tips from me: Find a group of people you can trust. That's what I'm tryna do here."

"Hm~? What's up? Oh, you're worried about me? Well then, do whatever you need."

"Oh, a staring content, is it? Okay, then let's see who looks away first! You think I'm gonna lose~?

"…Whoa! You scared me! I didn't know you were that close!"

"All right! What do you wanna do today? We can go wherever you wanna go!"

"I… Don't think we'll get separated, but… Hm… Hold my hand just in case."

"Oh, it's time to go… Is it too soon to ask when you're next free?"

"I guess that's it for today. I wish we could have hung out a little more. But I'll be back soon, okay?"

"Huh? What the Hell…? Oh, you wanna spoil me? Well, I guess I'll just have to do it, too, won't I?"

"Your hair's grown so long… How long have we been out searching like this? It's getting harder to cut."

"You enjoy touching my hair? I don't mind at all. It kinda tickles."

"Oh, uhh… Sorry… I'm just a little sleepy…"

"Your hands are so soft, so gentle… Feels so good… I wanna do this all the time."

"Y'know, I miss you… It's irresistable… Almost like I'm choking without you… Can I ask you to stay for just one more minute…?"

"I mean… It's not THAT bad… I can endure it… I just need… To… Ahahahaha! Okay I can't do it after all! Hahahaha!"

"God, you really caught me by surprise there! I thought I was gonna die laughing!"

"Hmm? Are you… Are you trying to tickle me? You look like you're trying to tickle me. Wait. Wait. Wait. No, no, no, no!"

"If you still wanna tickle me, I'll have to tickle you, too. I'm gonna make you laugh so hard, so forgive me, okay?"

"Hm? You're such a hard worker. I was just admiring the way your hands move. They're so nice~"

"I was just thinking: You're hands are so cute. It's like… I want to protect them."

"Hahahaha! The Hell? You touch my hands all the time! Do they really feel that good?"

"Actually… I'm the same way… I love feeling the warmth of your palm…"

"Our hands are so different… I have mine and you have yours, but even still... We've got each other's backs."

"I mean? What can I say? Having you stare at me like this makes me feel a little uncomfortable."

"I like to think I'm pretty close to people, but you're on a whole other level."

"I always thought you were cute. But up close? You're beautiful… Your eyes, your skin.. So beautiful…"

"Hey, what's up? Something on your mind?"

"Hey, I was just thinking about you… I think you're the best partner I've ever had… I'm glad you feel the same way."

"Celebrating with you was always more than enough for me. But now this…? Thank you so much… It's the best thing anyone's ever done for me."

"Haha, I'm glad you like me so much, but I can't take this… I... Thank you…"

"Oh, I love it~ Thanks, Emma!"

"Hmm? You're giving this to me? Well, then I gratefully accept!"

"Huh? Hm~… Instead of giving this to me, maybe you should give it to someone who needs it?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, I know you're excited, but calm down!"

"I want to thank you for all you've done for me… I don't mean that in a burnt-out kind of way… I just wanted you to know that I'm always grateful. So, here, take it."

"Wow, it's my favorite! You really know how to make me smile!"

"Oh, thank you! I'll have to get you something, too!"

"Are you sure this is addressed to me? I see… Well, thank you. It makes me happy."

"Haha! Hey, stop it, stop it! If you keep doing that I'm gonna lose control!"

"Hm! I knew it! You really are the best partner of all time!"

"Thanks for for this. I'll take good care of it."

"Hahaha, I'd just be happy receiving anything from you!!"

"Let's just leave it there for now. We'll pick up where we left off once we get back, okay?"

"I wanted to give you this to... Express my thanks for the past and the future."

━

CROW : Hey, Evan, have a great day, man. I'm counting on you to be there for me when I need you! EVAN : Don't talk to me like that. You think I'm gonna take care of you? Are you listening to me?

━

CROW : Hey, Itsuki, where do you want to go explore next? There's a place I really wanna visit! Let's go! ITSUKI : We just got back yesterday. Fufu, that's so like you… Well, let's get on with the next moon reading!

━

CROW : Hey, Itsuki, let's do this again today! ITSUKI : Just like always.

━

CROW : Nice assist, Itsuki! ITSUKI : I'm used to supporting you.

━

CROW : Gran~? You gotta move faster than that! They only sell a hundred cheesecakes a day! We gotta get there before they sell out! GRANDFLAIR : Oh my… Oh no… It's time like this I realize you're still just a boy, Crow…

━

CROW : Let's do it, Evan! EVAN : Don't tell me what to do!

━

CROW : Yeah! That's it! That's what I'm talkin' about, Evan! EVAN : Hmph. Don't be such a fool.

[tom-failure]

'Have you ever kissed a guy before me?'

'Yeah. I have.'

'What?! No way! You gotta tell me!'

'Eh, you're not gonna like it. It's a love story.'

'I want to know that about you. I want to know your love stories, too.'

'I can tell you, but it's just gonna make you sad.'

'Try me.'

'Okay, well… it was back when I'd just run away. I was fourteen, but told everyone I was sixteen. Wanted to seem cooler. This guy took a shine to me immediately. I mean, he did need a boy to run his errands, but you gotta admit he kept an eye out for me when no one would. Took me under his wing, taught me to survive on the street. He was nineteen or so, I think, at fourteen you really tend to see that as a seasoned adult. But he was actually seasoned, you know? Hardened by that life. I made a mistake. I fell in love with him. Saw sun play in his hair and the speckles in his eyes. That kinda shit.

We were getting drunk in his garage one night.

He asked me if I was a virgin.

I said yes. God knows why I wanted to be so honest with him.

He laughed. Then he asked if I wanted him to fix that for me.

I asked him, what, without even kissing first? Tried to play tough. Panicked a little, too.

Naïve.

Then he kissed me. Just like that. Properly, with tongue and all. And then said, well, now you have no excuse.

And I thought, he's right. I don't.'

'So…'

'Yeah.'

…

'Was it… good? No, sorry, that's…'

'Not really. It kinda hurt. Did nothing for me. I thought it would be… different. When you love somebody, isn't it supposed to be like heaven? I tried to learn to like it. Thought it was acquired taste. Never got used to it, to be honest. But, well… sometimes he kissed me during and after. That did something for me. I was stupid. I wanted it. Thought it made me hella grown-up. Thought it was worth it to bear it a few minutes, if it was for someone I loved. Really, I was so braindead, can you believe it? I don't know how I didn't catch anything… well, anything too serious anyway. But I say that often, don't I? That I lucked out. You, don't do that. The first rule, Yoosungie, is to always use protection. Take it from me, I oughta know.

Anyways. One night I saw him with that girl… she was one of the delinquents, like us. Like a year older than him, too. She would try to squish my cheeks whenever she saw me.

He was… kissing her. You know, with the ass grabbing, and the cheek cupping, all that… "romantic" stuff. Like in movies. I'd wanted that. I would beg for that. And even if I got that, it was always 'be quiet so no one hears', always sneaking around, at the back of his garage, at some nooks and crannies where no one would know. Nah, I knew why that was, I wasn't that stupid. I knew I could never be his prince on the roaring black horse. But still… where I had to beg and sneak, she was getting what I was working like hell for, right there, on the corner, for all to see. I think he even pressed her to the wall, and she even told him to stop, but he kept at it. And in my stupid head it was like: she doesn't have to ask, and she doesn't even want it, but she gets it, and I don't? How am I worse than her?

I waited for him by his garage. Don't think he was surprised to see me. I always followed him, like a duckling. He let me in. Thought he knew why I was there. And I made another mistake. I asked him, what was that all about? With that girl? I thought you weren't really into all that kissing business?

That's what he told me, you see. That it wasn't really his bag. That it's just girls that like it.

I'd never seen him that scary. I was still growing back then, about your height, I think. Maybe a little taller. He took that step at me, and I was looking him right here, he had a tattoo there, said something like 'Freedom without bounds'. I was a tough kid. Even if romantic. Looked up at him. Into his fuckin eyes.

He said, who do you think you are.

I said, I'm the guy you do right here twice a week give or take. Said, do that mean nothing to you. I thought we had something going on.

He laughed. Ugly.

Said, oh, is that what you thought, kiddo. Well, all that's going on is that so-and-so is my girlfriend. And you better get me some of that fancy new beer from the corner store first thing tomorrow. For me and my queen. I don't want to show up on my date all dishevelled.

Guess that was my first heartbreak. You know. So many firsts with him.

I was getting real mad. I said, well, what if I went and ran my mouth real loud about what you do when no one's looking?

And he laughed even louder, leaned in right here in my face, got spit all over me. Said, and what do you think they'll do? When a fresh piece of ass goes to them and tells them it's all nice and loose for them? Then got all serious and told me, get lost. If I see you again, will beat your nose in. Your mama and dada will have nothing to identify.

Kicked me in the stomach, picked me by the scruff, like a shitty cat, and threw me out.

That night… I found one of those back corners where he used to do me. I felt an awful lot like crying, but that just made me madder. I wanted to be a man, you know. To be strong. I just balled my fists and hit the wall. Time and time again. It got bloody real fast. Hurt. But I had to get it out of my system.

He never helped me again. But he'd already done all he could for me back then. Taught me to survive, the hard way. I stuck with other guys. Drifted from ones to others, then got accepted, got better at what they do.

And then kind of decided that was not the life. When I got someone caring for me.

And here I am.

…what?'

'That wasn't a love story.'

'I told you you wouldn't like it… aw shit, look at you, now I made you cry. Shit.'

'I don't get why you are so calm about it. You're supposed to be mad, why are you telling me this like it's okay? Like it's something that just… happens?'

'Because it does just happen, Yoosungie.'

'You… you were fourteen! You wanted to be kissed! Loved! And he… He…! For kisses… just for damn kisses…'

'Don't say it like that. Please. I was just stupid, I wanted it. I know it was fucked up. But it was all my fault. Please.'

'No it wasn't!'

'Yoosung…'

'It wasn't "your fault", you were fourteen, Zen, for god's sake! And you just talk about it like this, and call it a 'love story'?! The way he used you like a, a, a… a thing?! Like it's okay?!'

'It is okay. And if it's not… aw shit, no-no-no, I don't need that right now.

Shit. I knew it would end like this. C'me here.'

'Don't touch me. Stop making this all about me. It's about you! Why aren't you mad?! He used you, he just used your body without a care for what you wanted or liked, you know what that's called? Why the hell aren't you mad?!'

'No. He didn't. Stop. Stop. Stop. Shut up. Shut up.'

'Why aren't you mad?! You're supposed to be mad!'

'I don't need this right now.

I don't need this right now. I don't need this right now. I don't need this right now. I don't need. I don't need. Don't need…'

…

'Don't do that… please… I'm sorry. I made it all about me, I said all the wrong things… forgive me…'

'…'

'I shouldn't have asked. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. So sorry. So sorry…'

'It's okay. I think… I wanted to tell you.'

'I did everything wrong… I wanted you to be able to be fully yourself with me… I wanted you to trust me. And look at how I reacted…'

'Well, and I didn't really hold my tongue either, did I? Maybe I was hoping you'd be that way. Maybe I needed someone to tell me just how fucked up it was.

You know… this isn't really the worst thing that's happened to me. But about that other stuff… I'm not sure I'll even be able to talk. Not yet.'

'You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.'

'I… I want to. I just can't. Yet.

I… want you to know all those things about me. I think you'll understand. Maybe you're the only one who can understand, really. Maybe you understand better than I do.'

'Zen…'

'…'

'I… I'll try to earn your trust. If you let me… I'll ask how bad it is beforehand… I'll be prepared…'

'No need. You know… I like you for the way you are. With all these opinions of yours. I told you. That way you see things, your outlook. I think… I need it. I need you the way you are. I need you to look at me and tell me what you think. Honestly, like you can.'

'I'll try. I promise.'

…

'I love you.'

[atypical-artisan]

I made a rant in my server a bit ago about some of my ships so I'm posting them today cause they're true and I love them

Here's the burnt bread one

starting with joe:

He's had a tough life... he went to catholic school where he was shamed and bullied for being weird and disabled and different and despite his mother and sister's love, they couldn't protect him from the trauma that gave him. On top of that, he's trans, which made him even MORE vulnerable to abuse... so he decided he HAS to be 'normal', no exceptions and shamed himself away from all the things he's naturally attracted to for years.

On top of that, being trans made him more scared of his sexuality, made him feel like the only way to be a real man was to throw out all his 'feminine' traits, especially his attraction to men. This leads him into some nasty relationships.

Here, all of his partners control him, tell him that if he wants affection, he must please them and ignore his own wants because he needs to 'man up'. Even the few men he does date do this, holding themselves over him and slowly breaking his spirit under the weight of their demands of servitude.

Throughout his life, joe learns that to be loved means he must forget himself, hide and crush what makes him different and please everyone he can.

When he enters the wvba at 25, he stops dating- too busy with work. And after his first match, his one win against nick bruiser of all people, he slowly goes down. He gets weaker physically and in spirit- he can barely defend himself against people shitting on him, let alone against the other boxers. He feels pathetic, weak, and worthless.

And he DOES have the strength to fight- he's constantly protecting his friends and the things he loves, standing up to assholes for people or causes and be truly terrifying... but he can't do it for himself, because he doesn't see a reason to defend who he is

Aran has had a similar life. While he's loved by his family and some friends, the outside world has been unkind to him.

His love life has been hellish, being denied the ability to express his love to his partners because it's too weird or over the top. And when he was allowed, he was told to be grateful. He was hurt and told that it was love, forced into things he hated and told it was good for him. And again and again he tried to squeeze into the right boxes and failed. On top of all that, he's dealing with a lot of untreated trauma and mental illness but he refuses to go to doctors because he's lost all trust in them.

But, instead of curling inward on self hatred, aran responded by exploding out.

If the world didn't want him how he was- he was going to make himself completely unpalatable except to the most diehard people. He emphasized his weird, ugly ways, hoping to push all away so he wouldn't have to deal with anyone anymore. Sure, he has 'friends' but he never truly trusts them, holds them at a distance and bears his teeth when they get too close.

Aran learned love from someone who isn't his own flesh and blood was basically a lie- only found through sheer luck. He couldn't trust people and was alone in this world. He had to lie and cheat and cross his fingers because that's what living is. He bites and growls without shame and cheats because he knows he's an animal and needs to survive.

And yet, he CAN be gentle! He's gentle with children and even other people, his family, the few outside it he trusts. He lets himself cry at night when no one is around but his dog and be sad and scared, but alone.

And then... they find each other

it's tense at first

Joe doesn't know how to talk to people well and aran is untrusting and standoffish. But joe mentions dropping out young, or a horror movie and peaks aran's interest. And the more they talk the more they realize how similar their lives are. How much they understand about each other's pain and fears and lives just by sheer coincidence.

Joe takes it as a sign, aran just thinks they're the luckiest bitches on earth.

So they grow close, and by doing so, find healing.

(I have fic ideas based on some of these scenarios so :P)

Aran sees joe's weird side and embraces it, ENCOURAGES it. He pushes joe because the joy on his face when he feels free is the most beautiful thing in the world. He see's joe's anger and pushes it forward, tells him he's worth something no matter how he is and helps him learn to love himself.

And joe sees aran break, the terrifying walls he's built up crumble, and he embraces it. He holds aran and lets him cry on his shoulder. He embraces his weirdness and takes pleasure in seeing his art and his uncouth ways. And he especially loves holding him down and holding his hand when he needs it.

And goddamn do they WANT each other. They want each other so bad and have no clue how to say it because deep down they're both scared of ruining the wonderful thing they have together and losing the one thing making their lives better

Surprisingly, it's joe who cracks first.

At this point, joe's more physically healthy and confident than he's ever been in years. But stress is building up in his heart. He's so grateful for aran, he knows what the other has done for him, but others just don't see it- most of his minor circuit friends don't believe him when he says aran's been helping him and still fear aran, still try and get him away because they're sacred aran is truly the monster he presents himself to be>

But joe... he snaps- now, he's stopped caring, he KNOWS that what he wants matters and what he wants is aran

(Leading to this juicy bit of dialogue)

Joe: “You may not be what I need- you may not even be what’s good for me! But dear god you are everything I want. And for once in my life, I refuse to deny myself that!”

And fuck does aran need to hear that

He'd never known that he could not only be loved like this- or even actively WANTED as himself. So he just kisses joe and holds him, very much trying not to cry.

And in the end things turn out fine. Aran drops his walls and joe builds up his strength even more. Aran goes to therapy and gets meds and opens up for once, allowing those 'friendships' to become real and give him even more strength. Joe embraces himself and becomes so blindingly happy and free it's impossible to ignore. He stands up for himself- he fucking moves up in the circuit and matches with goddamn hondo!!

Of course, there IS a little drama when they reveal their relationship...

The minor circuit freaks a bit. Esp kaiser who gets real jelly cause he had a crush on joe.

The world circuit is supportive, even sandy who had a crush on joe too but sees how happy aran makes him and so he's happy too.

Don wants in on the relationship and fails (rip, they have enough issues sorry don).

Disco, hugger and hippo are all hesitant but chill when hondo gets some reasoning into them

And tiger is undisturbed, even a little happy now that kaiser is free.

After a while kaiser gets over it and makes up with joe and aran. He actually gets really happy for them, esp after realizing that him and who joe truly is just wouldn't be compatible as lovers but are still great friends. He actually thanks aran for helping joe become so happy and respects him a lot for it.

And they all lived happily ever after the end :)

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

letter to mother in law

I'm writing this shit

in epic poetry

written in my own

fucking writing voice

calligraphy

and it would be

just your luck

if I got famous

just because

you bitches

slay me

like the knights

used to slay dragons

and you fucking know

those dragons were way

more awesome

than any

of those fucking knights

maybe not for humans

or civilizations

but just to take a moment

in collected and concentrated

awe

and imagine

those mythical creatures

in our lives

around our hearts

isn't that where you really

and secretly

and truly

dream?

Oh that's just me

talking about the things

that spin and dance around

in my brain

while all you can do

is listen to the garbage complaints

of the son you obviously

didn't raise to think for himself

just obey

and avoid the consequences

I don't play that way

always had to as a kid

I'll say whatever you need to

slip into whatever role

you think you're

manipulating me

into

see where you take this

wonder where it will go

then stop

change my mind

and do what I please.

It's my life.

I get to.

I am raising three young adhd children.

I say that because it matters.

It's a condition diagnosed by people who

spend years

learning about emotions

document the data

that has been collected

then studied by researchers

over years

with a motivation to

understand the behavior patterns

of humans who seem

to have an issue of extra energy

and a different way of

perceiving the world

and how you can make their lives

and your own life

raising them

more harmonious and enjoyable

for all of you

just by educating yourself a bit more

about how mental health works

it's like you think mental health

is a thing

and not an intentional

maintinannce

of not raging out

when everything and

everyone you care about

seems to see

is how you're failing to be

the kind of human

they want you to be

because you came here to be you

and they want a different version of you

but you're you and

you're me

and all our relationships

are mirrors where we

recognize parts of each other

and have to either

integrate it or

absorb it

or take it into your heart

without any kind of filter

because they are the ones

who teach you how to

write love on your heart

and some of them

choose to brand you with it

and tell you not to

scream when it burns

because that means you're

not tough

and only the strong

survive

some of them buy

brushes and ink

and write it in

permanent color

and the older hearts

get the love

lovingly tattooed on their heart

if they want to

and it's sharp

and it also burns

but not like the brand

and some hearts

carve the names

who branded them

off of themselves

with lightsabers

or talons

and find a way to

make the scar tissue

beautiful mess

a mural of

a journey tapestry

with a tragic beginning

but those were hard lessons

all of us end up learning

along the way

they just got it faster

I guess

because life is nature

and nature is here to

grow stuff

and see what kind of

wild things survive

so we survived

with the names

we love

on our hearts.

To me you are the woman

who taught Ben that

Meet Joe Black

is the right way

to think about love.

I know that he will

watch The Mask Of Zorro

by my side

with Theo

who was a cowboy

for Halloween

and Ben was a cowboy too.

You have a picture of

Fiona wearing

a pink cowboy hat

in your bathroom

and a pegasus on the shelf in there

with so much stuff about horses

I always felt a little at home.

It's okay that I changed your feelings

about me when I

lashed out

with the fourth draft

of hate poetry

raging at your husband

because he's critical as fuck

as a pattern of behavior

and it's annoying

I've mentioned this

politely in prose

hate poetry

is the second warning

I'm just making up

arbitrary rules here

but follow them

or else you get

my creative hobby

of making my

grievences

into poetry

and you can literally

sue me

because I'll never stop

advocating

for myself

in a way

that pleases me.

But only if you ignore my direct communication.

Or try to abuse me with your mean judgements and words.

Also, I respect reasonable boundaries.

I also like to approach conflict and not avoid it.

I also give you the option of having me not come to Ben's stuff at your house. I won't take it personal and I am completely fine staying home alone. I don't need to be a reason of conflict or something that keeps the family separated.

I know what it's like. I am separated from my two of my kids for some holidays. It is what it is.

You don't have to like me. I don't have to be part of things. I just don't want Theo to miss out.

[chaotic-beautiful]

Random rambling on Porsche

I didn't feel for a second that his character is being extra or OOC with his 1st episode version. I mean , this is the same guy who snatched a watch from the hands of powerful ( possibly crime related ) man and later simply yeeted out of the boat , knowing full well they can shoot him from behind or spit Kinn in the face while being defenselessly tied up to a chair.

He believes in living dangerously , carefree. It's his character trait. That's who he is. That's what sets him apart. If he was orderly and disciplined like the rest, falling into the line easily, I don't think Kinn would ever have even noticed him, no matter how hot he is . After all, with Kinn's power and money , he probably has a collection of catalogs or something or pretty boys doing tours of his bed room. Porsche being the chaotic disaster and fearlessly upstart is kind of adorable for him and Kinn can never ignore him when he's around.

Porsche's behavior is what I call a coping mechanism. He must be feeling claustrophobic to be put on a place amongst a group of robotic ruthless hostile individuals who are keen on bullying him at every turn of the way , where he couldn't even contact his friends or brother to unwind , it's just a complete drastic change of lifestyle and life itself . Yes , he chose this life because of their circumstances. But he only signed up for being bodyguard , not for every single private aspect of his life being controlled and choked out . No going out, phone conversation recorded . Heck, I was feeling claustrophobic! What kind of people survive and thrive in a place like that ?? I almost wanted Porsche to just quit then remembered he can't. And I'm pretty sure he can't go back to his old bar tending job either because Kinn is a partner now , remember ?? So, he'd basically forced with only this option out. It's but natural that he'd flail a bit. 

And it's not like his luck is being very friendly with him either. Yes , certain things could have been avoided with tact and a slight upgrade of common sense but really some were just shitty luck. One thing leading to another .

As in the kitchen one. He was having a mild breakdown ( a completely legit one at that , a lesser man would've pissed his pants , but he is really tough ) .Poor guy was just wanting to have a quite moment of smoke ( in the kitchen that's never a good idea but his brain was kind of in shambles after literally having a bullet fly off 1/2 inch above his head ) and then the maid came and he'd make do in haste and that's just shitty luck that the 1st bottle of clear looking liquid he grabbed turned out to be of alcohol rather than water. And the alcohol thing was the same, he shouldn't have gotten drunk on the job. But he didn't really take it seriously how often and how brutal the ambushes on Kinn's life are. He probably thought his army of guards are like his army of cars , mainly to show off money and power .

Also, he probably should've been careful before having a fight with Macau, but really he was being such a little shit I wanted to slap the teeth out of M's jaw too. And he's completely used to the important members of the family always surrounded and accompanied by big fancy henchmen , so he didn't think one of them would be loitering around alone.

Truly the man is having a terrible, horrible, no good very bad first day,  is all. 

[piracytheorist]

To promote Village, Capcom released a developer diary titled “The Making of Resident Evil Village: Winter Comes for Ethan” in September 2020, where staff members discuss Ethan's role within the game... okay where is this I kinda wanna know what was said I wish i could have not seen the compilation of reception he got in his wikipedia page as some it is so dumb (mean to say but it is one said that Ethan was a incompetant idiot- ahh yes the same Ethan who knew how to reload a gun one handed and figure how to make super powerful bullets in RE7) also I want you to watch Chris campaign from RE1 because I want to see if you can spot what I noticed about the similarities in charcters and stuff

I'm pretty sure I saw some stuff about the Making Of you mentioned, but I cannot remember what was said. I do kinda remember them saying that even during the making of Resident Evil 7 they were already wondering where Ethan's story could go from there and they decided to explore it in Resident Evil 8. But I don't remember much else.

As for the reception... I was watching a guy stream Shadows of Rose yesterday, and he mentioned he didn't like Ethan because he always states the obvious, and I'm like... bruh that's like saying "I don't like Ethan because he has blonde hair". It's like you're saying it's a fact that it's a negative trait for his character when it's just a trait; some will like it, some will not, but the phrasing of the negativity around Ethan's character specifically sounds like those people do not understand character range and audience opinions. Not every character is for everyone.

To be frank, in the context of the Resident Evil franchise, Ethan is a little dumb... but way smarter than the average human being. If y'all think the average human would be able to do anything Ethan did in re7 and re8, you grossly overestimate the average person's intelligence. A not insignificant part of the human population cannot read a map. A not insignificant part would not know to keep their arm high and put pressure on it after the hand has been cut off. A not insignificant part does not know where to stick needles on the human body when registering medicine. A very not insignificant part cannot aim and shoot a gun (I was in a shooting club for a year, for air guns who are way lighter than fire guns, and lemme tell you the amount of newcomers who tried the air pistols and could not get a single bullet to even hit the edge of the target was bigger than you can imagine). You do not call that bare minimum because I fucking guarantee you there's a lot of people who just don't know this shit. And in the Resident Evil games, the protagonists have always been a little smarter, tougher, stronger than the average population, because they are a fantasy of sorts of being a Cool Badass character surviving through a zombie outbreak because we ourselves would never survive it. The reception to Ethan is fucking hilarious because the moment they tried to make the protagonist a little closer to the average human everyone started screaming bloody murder about how apparently "stupid" he is like excuse me Dave do you know how to use a medical syringe? Thought so.

And apart from that, I still think it's their loss that they cannot see how fucking relatable and hilarious Ethan is. You don't play the game to make "Wow Ethan is so badass if only I was like him!!"-fantasy-like thoughts. You play the game to be like "Whoa buddy you're in some deep shit but we're in this together we'll pull through" and honestly tough luck for them cause re8 fucking rocks and they're only sabotaging their own enjoyment.

I'm honestly not invested enough to watch gameplays of the other Resident Evil games, but you're welcome to share with me your thoughts about those similarities you mentioned :)

[againstacecilia]

I've had a tough couple days and wanted comfort from a comfort character so here's soft!Din. Not super edited, just some fluff, some angst, a touch of misunderstanding (maybe?), reader is mentioned to have long enough hair to clasp back but fairly gender-neutral other than that. Bit of language? Idk lemme know what you think. 💖

Word count: 1560

Rating: E (I think? Lil bit of sexy mention but nothing past ~kissing~. The rest of my blog is 18+ NO EXCEPTIONS.)

What a fucking day.

You and Din had been chasing this bounty around the Outer Rim for a week now, and it had been a stroke of pure luck that you'd literally run into her outside Brogar's Safe House on Lok. She may have been evasive from a distance, but with the element of surprise on your side you got her pinned and bound fairly easily and into the freezing chamber on the Razor Crest before she could cause more problems.

Finally.

Din had gone up to the cockpit to get the Crest ready to go and you stepped into the 'fresher for a moment to yourself. Staring into the small mirror above the sink, you take a moment to just breathe in the silence and let the adrenaline from the afternoon fade from your body. You look at yourself, really LOOK at yourself, for the first time in months. The stress of bounty hunting was something you enjoyed at first. Always moving, always seeing new things and meeting new people, it gave you a new appreciation for the galaxy. For life, if you were honest with yourself. Then you met Din through Karga on Nevaaro and he and his kid were instantly a part of the story you were writing for yourself. Wrapped around the little womp rat's tiny finger, you knew sending him off to be with the Jedi was the right thing to do but it hurt like a bitch. Had hurt Din even more.

The last few bounties had been harder than ever to find and you were sure Din asked for more difficult targets to keep his mind off Grogu. It had worked for both of you for a while but there was always this moment, right after catching a quarry, where the silence in the Crest was suffocating. Studying yourself, you start to notice the lines. The weight of this mad dash to quarry after quarry was burning you out and the signs weren't just on your face.

Taking a steadying breath, you clean the dirt off your hands and face. You let your hair fall from it's clasp and change into comfier clothes for the trip. Satisfied with what you see when you glance back in the mirror, you open the door to find Din with his hand raised like he was about to knock.

"Holy shit," you jump a bit at the sight of him so close. "I don't know how you're so damn quiet with all that beskar. How long have you been out here?"

He's quiet for a second, black visor staring into your soul. You'd never seen him without it, although you'd been around him with it off. Always in the dark. Even still, you felt like you knew exactly where his eyes would be as you looked up and into the dark expanse. "Not long," he mumbles, the modulator barely picking up on it.

"What's wrong?" Your face scrunches with worry. He's always quiet, but the way his shoulders are hunched, his hands hanging limp at his sides...

"Are you happy here?"

The question throws you for a loop. "Of course I am, why wouldn't I be?"

"I see how tired you get after capturing a quarry," he says, hands finding your waist, "I know this lifestyle isn't for everyone, isn't what most people dream about growing up..." His voice trails off and he pulls you closer to his body as you wrap your arms around him and rest your head on his torso.

"I didn't have dreams growing up, Din," you say into his chest plate. "I just wanted to survive. And I did. And then I found you. Of course I'm happy.”

He pulls away and gently grabs your chin between his thumb and crooked index finger, angling your face back up toward him. "You don't have to keep things from me."

Does that helmet has some sort of emotional x-ray vision? you think to yourself as you again try to make eye contact through glass and beskar. After a deep breath, you finally respond, "I am happy, I promise. I'm just... Tired. I miss him..." Your throat threatens to close up as tears spring to your eyes and you lean back into Din's chest.

He doesn't have to ask who you mean, he just pulls you in tight and holds you there in the quiet hum of the ship as it flies through hyperspace. After a moment, he shifts out of your embrace and tucks a loose bit of hair behind your ear. "I know what you need," he rumbles, reaching for the light switch.

The room is plunged into darkness, the red glow of buttons and panels casting a warm glow over the silhouettes of cargo and storage. You hear the clicks of Din removing his armor and smile at how familiar you are with the sound now. First, the armor on his chest is undone and he lifts it over his head, followed by the arm braces and then the pieces on his legs. When you hear the final piece fall to the floor, your breath hitches as you hear the hiss of him taking his helmet off. You immediately squeeze your eyes shut, aware of the loophole that Din uses to remove his helmet around you without breaking his Creed. A soft chuckle, unfiltered and beautiful, comes from his lips at your quick inhale, as if he knows your sounds as well as you know his.

"You've never asked to see me with my helmet off, after all this time," he says, stepping close to you again. "Worried about what you'll see?"

"I know what I'll see," you respond. You've dreamt about what he looks like, an image starting to form after countless nights in the dark with your fingertips memorizing every plane and curve of his face and body.

"Oh? And what do you think you'll see?"

There's no hesitation as you whisper, "Kind eyes, brown and depthless... And a smile that outshines the entire galaxy." You notice he's holding his breath, hanging on every word out of your mouth. You push on. "You've got a dimple on your right cheek that gets deeper the bigger you smile, and there are wrinkles around your eyes that betray your stoic, Mandalorian toughness and show just how much you laugh and make faces under that helmet of yours...

"You're beautiful, Din."

More silence fills the hold as you feel his gaze on you in the dark. You reach up to his face and trace over it with feather-light touches. As you brush across his cheek you feel something warm and wet hit your finger. Bringing your other hand up, you wipe away the tears falling silently from his eyes. Then gently, so gently it makes your heart ache, he leans down and kisses you.

Plush lips press softly to yours, his body warm and solid as he pulls you closer and weaves a hand into your hair. Your tongue brushes against his lips in a silent question and he opens them, sweeping his tongue over yours and moaning softly. The sound sparks deep in your core. Your heart begins to race. You reach down to start lifting your shirt when Din stops and grasps your hands.

"Wait."

"What?" You ask, hands stilling in his grip.

"I just..." Din takes a heavy breath, "You've become very important to me. More important than I thought another living being could be after the kid. But if you ever needed to leave, to live a better life than I could give you..."

Silver lines your eyes as you try and decode what he's saying. "Din, do you want me to leave?"

"No, that's not it at all," he fumbles over his words. He's never been much of a talker, especially about his emotions, but he's trying so hard. "I don't want you to miss out on anything because of me." He rests his forehead against yours, a sigh heavy on his lips.

"Would you hate me if I said I think I need a break? That we BOTH need a break? Running from bounty to bounty, never taking a moment to just breathe. We deserve time to relax," you say, leaning into his touch. "We deserve time for US."

"How about this: after we drop the quarries off with Karga, we take a break? Find a city with some fancy hotel and stay there for a bit?" You hear a smile in his voice as he describes all the things you could do it that hotel room, just how long the two of you could spend there without leaving and without getting bored. A giggle bubbles from your chest, Din's own laughter joining yours. He wraps you in his arms, resting his chin on your head, breath ruffling your hair as he exhales. "I never laughed like this before you. I don't want to lose you."

"So you won't," you reply, nuzzling closer to his chest. "The only place I'm going is that hotel you were telling me about. What else could we do there, Mandalorian?"

His laughter fills the room again, the rich timbre settling over your bones like a velvet blanket. "Let me show you what I had in mind," he whispers into your ear as he lowers you both gently to the blanket-covered ground.

[mangodestroyer]

It's alright. I've come a long way in the past year. It wasn't easy. But I'm in a much better place mentally and I hope it continues that way. If anything, I'm sorry to hear that you have religious trauma and went through some of the things you went through! That sounds... worse. I'm not sure what religion you followed as a kid. I've recently been listening to some ex-Christians talk about some toxic branches of Christianity they grew up with, and it sounds rough!

I guess I did luck out a little. My brother fucked up so badly and now people realize he's just no good (not sure what took them so long). The situation is far from perfect, but I guess I have some closure.

But, you know, you can't really count on "closure." You shouldn't ever rely on karma "doing its job" or whatever to heal. I personally don't believe karma is real. I think some abusers just over estimate how "slick" and "awesome" they are that they can just keep doing horrible, selfish things. And then end up exposing themselves because they got so cocky. And yes, that's one way you need to start looking at it. Some abusers don't care about other people and think they're the shit. The only sentient beings on the planet, while everyone else is just their for them to use. I had to hear it from a psychologist to believe it. I mean, seriously. It was so hard to wrap my head around at first. Someone enjoying hurting others? Getting off from arguments and emotional reactions? Seeing everything. Every. God. Damn. Thing. As a competition? Wanting to control everything and everyone and play games?

I mean, seriously. I used to think a lack of empathy was unintentional. Same with many bad deeds. I used to think I lacked empathy because I was accused of being so awful and thoughtless. I thought no empathy meant you sucked at reading others, were sometimes selfish (as literally every Goddamn human is, and should be), and that you accidentally did hurtful things because you're emotionally stupid (and, you know, abusers can twist anything and make it seem like a war crime, so if you were raised with those kinds of people, it can make you sensitive to upsetting others). Nah, a lack of empathy is when you just don't care if you hurt someone. You wouldn't feel bad about it if you did. And then there's sadism. When you ENJOY IT. Go out of your way to do it. So that's that. I guess there are people who thrive when they cause pain. Because of their own wounds (or rarely, they were born that way). A tough pill to swallow. It makes things easier in ways. No longer do I see atrocities such as war as "human nature" or "human error." Yeah, some people cope hard and think that people doing bad things is some kind of mistake. Our "inner animal" coming out. Nah. That's just shitty people doing shitty things. Actually, the good part of this is that not everyone is a fucking monster. In fact, most people aren't. They just wouldn't "accidentally" commit atrocities. Because they were "misguided" or "hurt." And no, I'm not talking about intense survival situations or coercion, or life or death situations. I'm talking about the many situations where people could have... easily just not done that.

And no, thinking about the hurt that leads them to hurt won't help you. You're making excuses for them, when really, you should be disgusted with them. Feeling so gross over them thinking they had the right to hurt you. Some people might think that's toxic, but it helped me.

I used to make excuses for my ex all the time. I thought their family and past relationships, of which they claimed sucked and that "their exes didn't care about them." made them paranoid and pick up toxic behaviors. I thought the redflags were just them being young with trust issues. Nah, they're just a shitty person who doesn't care to work on themselves. Funny enough, when they were acting so ugly with me, I saw them act like that sweet person I used to know at the beginning with everyone else. Even when they were doing those "bad things" she couldn't tolerate me doing (for instance, it was okay if others got high, but not me). Also funny how her trauma and trust issues led to her always being in opposition with me all the time. Very conveniently and with everything. If I wanted or liked something, there was always a huge reason why we couldn't do it or why I should stop doing or liking that thing. For instance, I'm not sure what trauma she has over painting. But she argued with me not to do it. That she really didn't want me picking that up as a hobby. At least I could understand it over weed (but I'm glad I didn't stop just cause she didn't like it, it wasn't like I was around her smoking or getting super high). But painting??? And I let myself believe that me wanting to do that was selfish and inconvenient??? Why of course, everything that isn't me just working or working towards starting a family, and just indulging in things I liked started filling me with lots of guilt. I even started feeling guilty over not being done with college, or for not picking a more "practical" major with "instant" employment (I'm a mathematics major, which can actually be very useful). Now, idc if me pursuing my dreams is "immature" or "selfish." If me one day going to grad school is a huge "waste of time" and makes me the most undesirable person to date, so be it! Same with painting and spending lots of time on hobbies.

But I used to rationalize it a lot. Now I realize how bizarre the whole thing was. They were just stuck up, boring, and antagonistic/argumentative. And they were well on their way to getting worse, and I'm glad I eventually realized at some point that this wasn't healthy (when the weird accusations, silent treatment, tantrums over stupid shit, and "you'll get beat up if you do/say such and such" over things that were innocent, such as acknowledging that French and Italian are Latin based languages and have lots of similarities, which supposedly made me a bigot who was saying France and Italy are the same). Sometimes, I think back on this, and look at other people's stories, and I just wonder how we ended up in these situations? Or why we end up dating people like this for so long?

I know processing it can be a lot. And yeah, I understand getting nostalgic over it too. It's actually not uncommon for toxic environments and toxic periods of our lives to be filled with good memories. That's love bombing. It's intended to confuse you. Make you doubt your bad experiences. Mistake your abuser for a sweet, empathetic person. Of course, they conveniently wait until you "mess up" to bring out the abuse again. So that it seems like you "deserve it." And sometimes, messing up can be as simple as, say, spending a little to much time by yourself (now you're "neglecting" your partner even though you actually give them a lot of attention, and yeah, sometimes people get carried away with doing other things than focusing on a loved one, that's normal and has an easy solution if both parties are reasonable).

I guess at the end of the day, with so many predators out there, I've kind of learned to look out for myself more. I've decided at this point that my happiness and well being should be a much higher priority. Not saying I don't want to stop caring about others. But I'm not so sure I'd want to bother giving a relationship any more chances if I decide I'm just miserable in it and am gaining nothing from it. Even if the other person seems "happy" and wants it. Or if something about it seems "off."

It's okay to take your time looking for a therapist. Really, you should shop around and look for someone who deals with trauma patients. A general therapist won't be much help, other than for taking care of anxiety and depression issues that come from trauma. And make sure they have a good reputation. Ideally, you want a therapist who will validate what you went through. Not one who is about "seeing the other perspective" or "asking what you could have done to improve/prevent the problem." Nor one who will act like talking about abuse is "black and white" thinking. Or just get uncomfortable with it or not want to talk about it. And really, you don't only have to rely on therapy to help. There's all sorts of resources out there to help you process trauma as well. Psychologists who share information on it or who publish books. Plenty of support forums. But a good therapist would be a step in the right direction and will probably guide you toward resources themselves.

Not to mention, other mundane advice too. Self-care in general, really. For instance, as dumb as it might sound, but having leisure time, going outside in the sun, and getting enough vitamin c... makes me feel a lot better personally? I mean, ig being unhealthy and stressed can make things a lot worse. For whatever reason, talking to a variety of people also helps me. As well as taking breaks and reflecting on interactions. Or just doing my own thing. Maybe it's because I've dealt with lots of emotional abuse. A variety of interactions from different people helps me understand more that not everyone is a bad person. I used to have a lot more social anxiety. I used to think people were snobs who didn't want anything to do with me. Turns out, lots of people are actually pretty friendly. But me assuming they were no good may have been giving off a hideous vibe that made them uncomfortable. I also thought I was extremely introverted. Turns out, I CAN be energized by social interaction and enjoy it a lot. When it's healthy. I think it's important to figure out what helps you heal too. We're all different and need different things in order to function.

Sorry for the lengthy post. I have lots of passion over this topic.

Good Omens | 2.01 Chapter 1: The Arrival