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[amar3103singh]

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[technicallyhappyarcade]

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[milkyhoneybee]

You know how some offices have a dog or other pet to help keep workers calm and happy? I want to be an office hucow. I'd have a nice little inside barn set up where people could take a break and come and brush me or give me scritches/pat me, feed me things, or they could take me outside to watch me gambol about in the sun before their next meeting

Cows are, after all, very cute and friendly, and they make friends and love to play!

Of course, they also love to lick things, whether that's a sweet treat or something saltier (or more umami), pulling up a skirt or opening trousers to let me get my dextrous, curious tongue on whatever they have for me, lowing and mooing excitedly whenever I get a treat

And, obviously, I need to be milked regularly. My udders would be kept plump and drained through the day to get me making more and more milk (on top of the supplements and medicine they give me to keep my production at max rate), and every time I hit a new growth milestone for them, there would be a little team celebration

They attach me to a milking machine mostly, while I kneel and chew on oats or watch them in the office, occasionally shaking my head so the bell around my neck clangs and my big floppy ears flick around, my tail twitching. Sometimes though, people want to drink from my teats directly or they'll get a stool and milk me themselves-- it's actually considered part of people's onboarding process, learning how to milk me so I don't get too full since that's painful for me, and as cute as it is to see me leaking and mooing for release, it makes it more difficult for the cleaners, plus it's bad for my health. Plus, my milk is super good for everyone else to drink

As long as people clean up after themselves, they're allowed to fuck me whenever they want, especially when I go into heat. Sometimes they need to put me on a special breeding rig to keep me from interrupting calls and meetings when I'm too loud, a fat dildo plunging into my cow cunt with a ring gag or dildo gag in my mouth depending on how quiet they need me

People are always surprised at how much they can fit inside my pussy, but it still feels hot at wet and so good to fuck, even after I'm stretched out, though sometimes they might need to spank my rear to get me to tighten back up after a heavy use or stretching session

I'd be such a happy office cow, and all the workers in my company would know how much I loved them and wanted them to enjoy their jobs

[captain-danwilds]

Helping my sister with her med school applications has made me very aware that Aaron would need to take at least one gap year. Granted early 2000s had an easier process than today (with lower average GPA/MCAT scores, less emphasis on already having clinical experience and higher matriculation rates requiring you to apply to fewer schools), but it would be impossible for him to complete everything required while also doing school and Exy without a gap year.

Ideally, Aaron would need to apply during 4th year playoff season and then complete supplemental essay hell during that following summer (Schools sent you the prompts and you have a week to submit, not too bad except you likely applied to 20+ schools and it’s all roughly happening the same week.) Then 5th year could be used for interviews and letters of interest/updates. But Aaron is not operating on the ideal timeline. He likely had planned to use his summer post TKM to study for the MCAT but instead he has to sit through his murder trial. While I know people who have studied for the MCAT during the school year, they also did nothing besides study during that time, which is not an option for Aaron.

I feel like there’s a lot of potential for angst we’re not digging into because while Andrew graduates and immediately has his next step figured out, Aaron is still figuring things out. He’s also feeling out of sync with all his friends and Katelyn since they largely completed the process when he was doing his 5th year. He’s also trying to balance having a long-distance relationship with a Katelyn who is struggling through her first year of med school on top of all the above nonsense.

However you could also go the comedy route, Aaron and Neil becoming friends during Neil’s 5th year since Aaron stuck around to work as Abbey’s assistant (or at Reddin).

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[illdowhatiwantthanks]

The Eggplant (The Surprise, Part 18)

Emily Prentiss x fem!reader Warnings: nightmares, mentions of Emily's fake death, mentions of past sexual trauma (nothing graphic though), discussions of birth/delivery times (let me know if I've missed anything!) Word count: 2.1k

Summary: You've always struggled with sleep and nightmares, but the third trimester is making it worse than ever. Thankfully, Emily is always there to calm you down and take your mind off the bad dreams.

Note: I know the gif is the man that we can't stand! But it was the most appropriate one! Just use your imagination! Replace him with reader!

Week 28: The Eggplant

You jerked awake, gasping and flailing, struggling to sit up against the weight of your baby bump. Sweat pooled in the dips of your collarbone and at the nape of your neck, dampening the soft strands of hair that rested there.

You blinked in the darkness, sucking in great gulps of air, feeling for Emily next to you. She was already up, already pressing her hand into yours and squeezing your palm, already drawing you into her chest, holding you protectively.

“Hey, hey,” she cooed, “it’s okay. You’re alright. It’s just a dream.”

Your heart raced, and you snaked your arms around Emily’s waist, burying yourself in her. You coughed, your breath still caught in your throat. She ran her thumb gently along the side of your face, wiping away the tears that lingered from the dream.

You’d always had more vivid dreams–and more often–than the average person. As a child, you’d even been diagnosed with a sleep disorder characterized by horrific nightmares. It had faded, but not gone away, as you grew up. After a lot of trial and error, you’d discovered that taking ashwagandha supplements before bed largely put a stop to the nightmares.

But you weren’t allowed to take ashwagandha while you were pregnant or breastfeeding. You’d been lucky until now–the nightmares had been few and far between, despite not being able to take your usual sleep aid. But when you hit the third trimester, they’d come back in full force. Almost every night, horrifically realistic, so terrifying that you were often scared to go back to sleep afterward for fear the dreams would resume. You’d tried melatonin, Benadryl, Tylenol PM, Unisom, and doxylamine. Tonight, you’d tried magnesium. The only thing it’d done was make you have to get up and take a shit in the middle of the night.

Your heart rate was slowing, but your body still shook. You grasped onto Emily’s t-shirt desperately, as if it was the only thing tethering you to the world. Sometimes the dreams involved your family. But most often these days they were about Emily.

“I guess that’s a no on the magnesium, huh?” Emilly whispered, her breath warm at the top of your head. “You want to talk about it?”

You let out a shaky breath, holding her just a bit tighter. “You died again,” you said, your voice so soft she almost couldn’t hear you. You were afraid to speak it into existence.

You could see Emily’s face without seeing it. Always wracked with guilt, always heartbroken. She always told you that going into WITSEC after Doyle, letting you and her team believe she was dead for nearly a year, was the worst thing she’d ever done. There had been no way around it; you knew it and she knew it. You didn’t like to bring it up, didn’t like to make her feel bad. She’d done what she had to do to protect herself, and as much as her fake death had devastated you–destroyed you, even–you couldn’t bring yourself to hold it against her.

“It was Doyle,” you whispered into her neck. “He made me watch.” You shuddered, and Emily grasped your face in both of her hands, turning you gently so she could look you in the eyes. She brushed a strand of hair out of your face and sighed.

“He’s dead, honey,” Emily said firmly. “I will never do that to you again.”

A tear ran down the side of your face, part of your brain still stuck in the dream, still watching Doyle hurt Emily again and again. Emily wiped it away, replacing it with a kiss.

“It’s okay, baby,” she reassured you, her heart aching to see you so scared. “I’m okay. I’m safe.”

“I’m sorry, Em,” you choked out, more tears coming now. It was three in the morning. You were on your second week of waking up terrified every night. Emily always got up with you. She had to be tired. You were exhausted. “You should go back to sleep.”

“Nope,” she protested lightly, drawing you down to the bed with her, pressing your face to her chest. “No crying, come on. It’s okay. You’re up, I’m up. Shh, just let me hold you, alright?”

You leaned into her touch, relishing the way her fingernails felt against your scalp, the weight of her arms around you, the steady rhythm of her heartbeat, the up and down of her breath.

“What’ll help?” she asked. “You want to get your mind off it? Think about something else?”

You nodded, sniffling.

“Alright,” she yawned, stretching a bit to reach inside the drawer of her nightstand. She pulled out her tablet, the light from the screen making you blink.

“What are you doing?” you asked, blinking.

“We might as well get something done, if we’re up,” she said, cradling your head in the crook of her elbow, so that she could manage the tablet and keep you close at the same time.

She opened a Google doc that she’d titled Birth Plan.

“Birth plan?” There was a series of questions and fill-in-the-blanks on there, as if Emily had copy-pasted it from another website. “I thought the plan was to have the baby. That’s the birth plan.”

She pinched at your stomach, and you giggled, squirming. “No, you dork. There’s more to it than that. And I’d rather us make the decisions now, so when you’re in labor, freaking out, we don’t miss anything.”

“I think you mean when you’re freaking out during labor.”

You watched her roll her eyes and smiled. You loved teasing Emily.

“Okay, well, regardless of who's freaking out, we need a plan. So just… lay your pretty head down and answer my questions, okay?”

You kissed the inside of her arm and nestled yourself comfortably against her. “Yes, ma’am.”

“Alright, let’s see…” Emily said, brows furrowed, biting at the corner of her lip. Her thinking face. She meant business. “Full name and pronouns, I already know that. Partner’s name and pronouns… Due date, provider… I can fill all this out without you.”

“So then, the birth plan really is just have the baby?”

“No!” Emily insisted, scrolling. “Here. Here’s some you can answer. Have you ever… had group B strep?”

“No.”

“Been previously diagnosed with genital herpes?”

Your face went beet red. “Jesus, Em! No!”

She smirked. “I know, I just wanted to see you blush. Uh… do you have Rh incompatibility with the baby?”

“I don’t think so? I feel like Dr. Delgado would have mentioned it by now.”

“I’m putting no. Gestational diabetes?”

“No.”

“Fear of needles?”

“No, not really.”

“Have experienced–” Emily stopped suddenly, her voice stuck in her throat.

“Experienced what?” you prompted. When she didn’t answer, you poked her leg with your foot. “Emily, experienced what?”

“It’s okay,” she mumbled. “I can answer that one for you.”

“Well, now I want to know…”

“It’s fine, Y/N. Let’s just move on.”

“No, Em, I want to know!”

She sighed and bit at one of her nails. You furrowed your eyebrows and took her hand.

“Have you ever experienced birth trauma or prior sexual assault,” Emily read, her voice soft.

“Oh.”

You were both quiet for a moment, your thumb running over Emily’s knuckles. “Well, I guess you did know the answer for that one…” you said, trying to lighten the mood. “Let’s keep going.”

Emily shook her head a bit, as if clearing clouds. “Uh… delivery plan… I’m assuming vaginal?”

You nodded. “What are the other options?”

“C-section or water birth.”

You shivered. “Yeah, definitely vaginal. I think I’d cry if I had to give birth in a kiddie pool.”

Emily cracked a smile, and you were glad to see her getting back to herself. “Who do you want in the room with you?”

“You.”

“Well, yeah. Anyone else, though? Your mom?”

“Just you,” you confirmed, kissing her hand.

“Whatever you want,” Emily confirmed, continuing down the list. “Do you want any music played?”

“Screamo.”

Emily laughed. “Can you imagine?”

“Alright, I’ll settle for punk.”

“I’m putting TBD,” Emily decided. “Okay, this next part is a big, long checklist, so just say yes or no, I guess.”

“Okay,” you agreed. Your heart rate was almost back to normal, your breathing calm and even as you snuggled into Emily. You were starting to feel sleepy again, and were trying not to fight it, not to let yourself get scared again.

“Lights dimmed?” Emily asked, making her way down the list.

“Uh… I guess so?”

“Room as quiet as possible?”

“Minus the punk music, yes.”

Emily fought off a smile, running a hand absentmindedly through your hair. “As few interruptions as possible?”

“...Yes?”

“As few vaginal and cervical exams as possible? Yes.” Emily’s voice grew quiet again as she read this one, and you squeezed her hand to let her know you were okay. “Hospital staff limited to my doctors and nurses only? I’m putting yes for this one, too. I don’t want any fucking students in there watching.”

You yawned, closing your eyes as you pressed your cheek against Emily’s chest. You were having a harder and harder time staying awake.

“Do you want to wear your own clothes?”

“Yes,” you mumbled.

“Your glasses?”

You looked up at her, confused. “As opposed to what? Loaner glasses?”

Emily shrugged. “No glasses, I guess?”

“No. I can’t see shit without my glasses. The baby would just be a blob.”

“So yes to your glasses… Do you want me to take pictures?”

“Of me giving birth?!” you exclaimed. “No!”

“But you’ll look so beautiful!” Emily argued.

“I’ll look like a hot plate of shit,” you shot back. “In fact, I might actually shit myself during labor. I don’t want any photographic evidence of that, thank you.”

“Fine,” Emily grumbled. “Putting no. Would you like to stay hydrated with clear liquids and ice chips?”

“What kind of question is that?” you asked, fighting off another big yawn. “Of course I want to be hydrated.”

“Do you want to eat?”

“I don’t know. Depends on how long it takes, I guess.”

“There’s no box for maybe,” Emily observed.

“Make a box, then, Emily. Jesus. You work for the FBI.”

“Mean…” she mumbled.

“Sorry. I love you.” At this point, you were half-asleep, Emily’s voice far away, as if you were underwater.

“Do you want me to catch the baby?”

“Catch the baby? What are they tossing it?”

“No, like… as he’s born.”

“As she falls out of my vagina?!”

“...Yeah.”

“Not really. I want you up with me so I can squeeze your hand and yell at you.”

Emily was quiet, and you grabbed for her hand, blinking your eyes open.

“Unless it’s important to you,” you told her. “If that’s something you want to do, then by all means.”

“No…” Emily thought out loud. “But I think I’d like to cut the umbilical cord, if that’s okay with you?”

You nodded, getting comfy again, sleep infringing on the edges of your consciousness.

“Do you want him placed on your chest right away?” When you didn’t answer, Emily prompted you again. “Y/N?”

She looked down to find you conked out, snoring softly, your arm wrapped around her stomach, legs entwined with hers. She smiled softly at you and kissed the top of your head, sneaking her hand under the fabric of your shirt to rub your back.

“I’m putting yes,” she whispered, typing quickly then turning off the tablet and setting it gently on the nightstand, careful not to shift too much and wake you.

Emily adjusted the covers so that you’d be nice and warm. She wasn’t a praying person, but she hoped against hope that you’d sleep through the rest of the night. You had huge circles under your eyes from so many nights of restless sleep. Emily was used to running on little sleep, but you weren’t. And you were growing a baby. You needed more sleep than usual, and you weren’t getting it.

She pressed her lips to your head again and again, making sure you were secure in her arms. She couldn’t go into your head and fight off the nightmares for you, but she could make sure that if and when you woke up, you felt safe right away. She could make sure she was there, make sure that the moment you gasped awake, you felt Emily next to you–real and alive and warm and very, very here.

[amar3103singh]

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[theresattrpgforthat]

How To Find Cool Games: On DriveThruRPG!

So disclaimer upfront: I don’t use the DriveThruRPG website nearly as much as Itch.io. Some of those reasons are practical (there’s no tagging system, the catalogue is rather D&D saturated,), while others are more… well, shallow (the website isn’t as pretty).

However, DriveThruRPG is a very good tool to have in your toolbox when it comes to finding cool ttrpgs, for a number of reasons, the primary one being that it’s for TTRPGS and only TTRPGs! Let’s get started.

The Search Bar / Categories.

You can start by doing a basic search for a game that you already know about, or by searching for a keyword, like “pirates” or “zombies”. You’ll get titles sorted by “relevance”, so things that have the keyword in the name will show up first. One of the biggest downsides of this strategy is that everything kind of gets lumped in here: supplements, maps, expansions, adventures, character sheets… the list goes on. However, you can narrow down what you’re looking for by using the toggles at the top of the website. I personally usually narrow down search results by selecting “Product Type” and then “Core Rulebooks”.

One nice thing DriveThru has compared to Itch.io is that you can combine categories, so if I wanted to brows say, Gothic Horror Core Rulebooks priced under $20, well I can do that! My favourite categories are for genre, but another set of categories that you may find very useful once you’ve familiarized yourself with some games is the Rule System category. There are categories for systems like the Year Zero Engine, Forged in the Dark, BRP (Basic Roleplaying), OSR, and so much more. There’s also “other systems” and “any system” categories if you want to find something that’s unique or that can be used across games.

DriveThru also has a lot of games published in different languages, and you can narrow your results to see what’s been offered in your language. I think there are more options on this website than there are on Itch, although you might benefit by finding one or two publishers in your language on DriveThru, and then check the publisher’s website from there.

The Homepage

Another reason to check out DriveThru regularly is the sales and promotions. The top banner of the homepage will typically advertise a few things: the Deal of the Day, current themed sales, and special offers that DriveThru RPG wants you to know about. Their homepage also has Bestselling Titles, Most Popular Games Under $5, Newest Games, Featured Titles, and, if you scroll down enough, Personalized suggestions. Unlike Itch.io, DriveThru does a lot of work to show you what’s new, what’s hot, and what’s a really good deal right now, which can all be really helpful things!

When you land on a game, you’ll be able to see whether or not DriveThru sells physical copies, some basic information like book size, rule system, publisher & author, and a blurb describing the setting and other general information about the game. DriveThru has a side panel with “Customers also Bought”, which is great for showing you things that you might like, either because they surround the same theme, they work for the same game, or they are in a similar genre. (Another thing that Itch isn’t quite as good at.)

You’ll also be able to see (and leave) reviews for game, including the ratings left by other people who have picked it up. Occasionally I’ll find really useful information in the reviews, as reviewers might talk about mechanics they love or loathe, or recommend styles of play that they feel the game matches.

Finally, like Itch, DriveThru will let you know if you’ve already bought the game, and provide you with a download shortcut.

Publishing House Pages

Larger publishing houses typically have their ttrpg content sorted very nicely for you on their publisher pages, to help you find the things that you want. Modiphius is a great example, sorting Star Trek, Dune, Fallout, and their 2d20 games all in special categories.

Many publishers also have a Community Content section, which is great if you’re looking for assets, new adventures, hacks of a game system and some very reasonably priced (or even cheap) game additions. Similar to Itch, DriveThru has a Pay-What-You-Want feature for many games, although, unlike Itch, most PWYW titles require that you pay a non-zero amount.

Newsletters

When you create an account on DriveThruRPG, you can sign up for various different kinds of newsletters. Some come directly from DriveThru itself: this includes the Follow Your Favourites and Deal of the Day options, as well as weekly/monthly newsletters carrying information about new releases, special promotions, and (often) a free ttrpg product of the month.

However, on top of that, when you purchase a game or follow publishing pages, you can also get emails about new releases specific to those creators, as well as updates if a new version of a game you bought has been added. Often if it’s a game you already bought, this means you own the new version too - something that DriveThru has in common with Itch!

The Follow Your Favourites announcements will line up with whatever you’ve chosen to follow on the website. I’ve asked for updates about new Core Rulebooks, and I also get updates from the Onyx Path and a few other places where I found games I really liked. I also check the Deal of the Day offers fairly regularly; sometimes there are really really good deals offered and if it’s a game you know or like, then you don’t want to miss out on a sale!

Wishlists

DriveThru allows you to add games to wishlists to look at later, and even gives you the ability to sort your wishlists, although the process feels harder to look through than Itch does; I think it might be a UI issue.

However, because it acts like a wishlist, you can move games from the wishlist into your cart and vice versa, as well as move the games to another list. One really nice thing about the wishlist section is that DriveThru will alway show you when something you want is on sale, and how much it is normally - Itch does this too, but in this case, DriveThru is much easier to read!

I mostly sort my wishlists into Core Rulebooks and Supplements, because I don’t have nearly as many games bookmarked on DriveThru. If it exists on Itch, I store it on Itch - but there are plenty of other, “someday’ games, that I want to be able to find again in the future.

Your Library

DriveThruRPG has an app that you can download onto your computer or your phone, and it basically acts as a library that you can look through. In both the webpage and the app, you can sort your purchases alphabetically, from new to old, by publisher, by whether or not they were updated, and using similar categories as the search bar on the store front.

Free things can definitely be found here, even if they’re harder to look for. On DriveThru, most free products are things like character sheets, playtest games, or Quickstarts. However, some publishers do put up their stuff for free. Whenever I can get a Quickstart of something interesting, or if I find something being offered for free, I add it to my library. Free games are how I got started in ttrpgs, and QuickStarts are wonderful introductions to a system that usually give you a good idea of what the game is going to feel like.

Conclusion

Overall, DriveThruRPG is great for folks who like certain big publishing houses, and folks who like a good deal. I personally usually end up on the site because something in my emails caught my eye, which is the opposite of how I navigate Itch. DriveThru was my home base before I discovered Itch.io, so I still have a little fondness for the website, even if looking through it is a little bit of a slog.

One thing that might be a bit of an annoyance is that if you own something from a certain company, they might be able to send you a lot of emails for every sale and new product. If this becomes too much, you can choose to opt out from those publishers.

If you don’t want to have to actively engage with the website as much as say, Itch, DriveThru’s email system is also a big help. You can customize your subscriptions to match what you’re interested in, and then just check your emails once in a while to see what’s on offer. After a while you’ll also learn about yearly events, like the Summer Sale, which often provides big discounts on a lot of different games.

DriveThru is also a great place to start if you’re looking for print versions of games: I don’t know what shipping is like to places outside Canada, but I definitely appreciate that it’s an option, and sometimes all you need to do is find a game or publisher - once you know that it exists, you can google that publisher, check out their website, and figure out the best place to order from there.

[neo-my-geo]

It's migration season!

Certified spycrab factoids below the cut!

Did you know?

The wild spycrab's natural habitat is the shores of Banana Bay, but they summer in the alpine regions of the United States.

Unlike most species of crustacean, spycrabs typically prefer to reside on dry land. They become dehydrated very easily because of this, so they thrive near sources of water.

Spycrabs are technically classified as a species of false crab due to the fact that they have eight limbs instead of ten. Other species that fall under this classification include hermit crabs, porcelain crabs, and squat lobsters!

Spycrabs glow under ultraviolet light.

Spycrabs earned their name by being incredibly adept at using their environment to disguise themselves - some have even been seen hiding under cardboard boxes to ambush prey!

Despite typically residing in groups of five or less, spycrabs migrate in massive swarms twice a year. This is likely due to large numbers reducing the risk of individual injury or predation as they travel through unfamiliar areas.

While they are able to walk in all directions, spycrabs prefer side-to-side.

Spycrabs are covered in microscopic hair-like structures called setae - they help them perceive the world around them!

Due to not having a way to source cigarettes, non-domesticated spycrabs smoke the fallen cigarette butts left behind by wild spies.

Spycrabs have unusually long lives for crustaceans, with an average lifespan of 82 years.

Spycrabs don't molt as often as most species of crustacean; they tend to only do it every three to four years. This can be attributed to their long lifespans and slower growth rates.

The most common varieties of spycrab are red and blue; purple, green, and yellow varieties have been spotted in the wild, however!

Unlike the hermit crab, their closely-related cousin, spycrabs have eyes that are set directly in their faces instead of on stalks. This has been theorized to be because they are apex predators in their natural habitat.

Spycrabs are one of the only species of false crab that are legally classified as a group 1 carcinogen. They are not recommended for consumption by humans.

Have you been considering keeping a domestic spycrab as a pet? They are unique and challenging to care for, but there aren't many things more rewarding than a happy spycrab.

Spycrabs grow bored very easily and aren’t recommended for first-time crab parents. Make sure to keep them occupied with enrichment provided by decks of cards, books of a third-grade reading level or lower, and car magazines.

Spycrabs are social creatures! Never keep a solitary spycrab, as they can become depressed without company.

The spycrab’s diet consists of algae, small clams, caviar, small mammals, snails, and cigarettes. While a spycrab can survive just fine on bagged crab chow alone, the enrichment provided by these foods will keep them happy and healthy.

When caring for a domesticated spycrab, consider supplementing extra chitin in their diet to keep their exoskeleton strong and healthy.

When not encouraged to exercise, spycrabs will become lazy and lethargic. Consider keeping their cigarette carton at the top of an incline that they must traverse to reach it.

Spycrabs are prone to sudden bouts of aggression, especially when they feel personally wronged. Remember that most threats made by a spycrab are empty ones, but it’s still important to get to the root of the issue and understand why they feel upset.

Spycrabs lack the ability to digest alcohol the way humans can; it is not recommended that owners give them wine, no matter how hard they ask. Consider substituting it with grape or cranberry juice, as most of them can’t tell the difference.

[healthmonastery]

Natural Ways to Boost Collagen and the Best Supplements

Collagen, the most abundant protein in our bodies, plays a vital role in maintaining skin elasticity, joint health, and overall well-being. As we age, our collagen production declines, leading to visible signs of aging and joint discomfort. Let’s explore the wonders of collagen, natural methods to boost its production, and the top collagen supplements to enhance your health and beauty. 1.…

[emo-batboy]

Depression meals Battinson has made himself at least once while unsupervised to the shock and horror of Alfred

(Alfred has to sleep at some point. that’s when Bruce decides to wreak havoc and make these barely edible monstrosities)

(Btw he’s vegetarian, fucking fight me)

Pepper jack cheese between two seaweed sheets

Uncooked ramen dipped in the seasoning packet

Ready rice with cold tofu

Spoonfuls of peanut butter

Instant grits with one slice of American cheese

Pop tart dipped in hot chocolate

Spaghetti noodles with no other ingredient than a mountain parmesan, didn’t even put salt in the water

“Technically bread” (water and flour, microwaved…he was having a really bad day)

Bread, cheese, ketchup, microwave = pizza

Cream cheese and jelly sandwich

Vegan hot dog microwaved without a plate. He picked it up from the microwave with a piece of white bread and ate it just like that. No dirty dishes

kraft mac and cheese with one single raw asparagus

Various little kiddie-themed smoothie shots

Dry cereal

Cheddar cheese wrapped in a flour tortilla

Vegan dinosaur nuggets (microwaved, tho he tried to cook it in his hot coffee once, it didn’t work)

Frozen snap peas straight from the bag, unthawed

Tomato soup with cheez-its sprinkled on top

Tried to make a meal completely out of vitamin supplements once, based entirely on the exact amount of nutrients you need in a day

A family-sized bag of generic brand corn chips

Hard boiled eggs (they were supposed to be soft-boiled) and paprika

Blueberry bagel, toasted, no butter

Cold chicken noodle soup in one of those paper cartons from the corner store (it gave him food poisoning)

Microwave grilled cheese

Cucumber rolls (cucumber slices he rolled in microwave rice)

Leftover cake washed down with a protein shake

A hunk of mozzarella cheese, microwaved

Frozen Garlic bread (it’s actually good like that, he swears)

Four 5-hour energy shots to make a 20-hour energy (his heart rate didn’t go back to normal for two days)

Fruit snacks squished between two slices of wheat bread

Tried to dry scoop protein powder once, worked about as well as the cinnamon challenge

Pistachios with the shells (it was an accident. He did not notice)

Refried refried beans (for protein)

Handfuls of mushy, room temperature blueberries

Tofu block cut up with a spam slicer and dipped in mustard

[gabessquishytum]

Morpheus "Dream" Endless used to be one of the top pole dancers in the city; he worked his way up from seedy clubs (where he had to supplement his income with private "dances" with less select clientele) to the most premier gentleman's establishments in the city where his extra "attention" was tipped and gifted at a proper worshipful rate.

Morpheus was able to use his earnings to get out of the business himself, and open a classy co-ed club that paid dancers well enough that if they didn’t want to work private engagements or outside of dancing, they didn’t have to.

In the beginning, Morpheus was able to convince his brick sh*thouse of a brother to bounce for the club, so the place got a reputation for taking care of it's staff with extreme aggressiveness - Ollie is always happy to help when he was in town; now that things have settled down he gets to make appreciative eyes at the dancers and maybe get friendly with any who are interested (what Ollie's cute!)

To make sure the club is seen as welcoming and open to its community, Dream hosts a pole dancing class series for all adult-aged people who pay to take the classes. All the club's dancers can be on the class teaching rotation, if they want, but the real draw is when Morpheus teaches the class series, 2 or 3 times a year. Word got out (book club, twitter, a TikTok or two) that when "Dream" teaches the class, it's even better than normal.

Hob is not a great dancer, generally, but he's always game to get out on the floor. His boyfriend got him pole dancing lessons for Valentine's Day/their anniversary. Now this didn't really seem, to Hob, like a gift to & for him, it seemed more like a passive aggressive "you need to be less vanilla in the bed room gift" (when to Hob's mind he would be less "vanilla" if he trusted the ass more ~ it's probably time to breakup).

So Hob's ex-boyfriend got him pole dancing lessons and Hob is never one to turn down a gift; he is able to get into the next series of classes as someone canceled just as he was calling in the see if there was space for him. His instructor is a Dream E. (Hob had a chuckle; one must make ones own fun.)

Dream does actually like teaching college kids and housewives how to dance on the pole - for them it's not some fraught thing about livelihoods and next meals, it is just fun.

The class got even better when a cute but terribly uncoordinated man joined the class. He was not good at pole dancing at all, but he had a great attitude, was flirty and so very cute! And the yoga pants that Hob wore to the class hugged a fantastic ass. Dream might have to give him some private lessons.

Akajshdhaha yes!!!!!! I love it. Clumsy Hob and dancer Dream!!!

Hob’s first revelation of the class is that the poles apparently spin around??? He's not sure how he never worked that out before, but he's a little less worried now. At least he has the advantage of body weight, to give him some momentum when he swings around...? That's what Dream says, anyway, but Hob thinks he's just trying to be nice.

Even so, he tries his best! He focuses in the warm-ups, tries so hard to memorise each movement, and even practices a bit at home (without the pole). Hob really wants to be good at it! He wants Dream to be impressed, he wants compliments, hell he just wants Dream to look at him... unfortunately it seems like Dream only looks when Hob is flat on his ass. Or stuck, wrapped around the pole in a very awkward position, needing to be retrieved by both Dream and the assistant teacher. So embarrassing.

Hob is just starting to think that maybe his ex has a point. When Dream smiles and sits down beside him, and tells him that its not all about getting everything right. It's about having fun. He thinks that Hob is way too hard on himself. He's so nice and encouraging to all the other students, maybe he should try being nice to himself?

Hob grins and helplessly kisses Dream on the cheek, before jumping up to give it another try. He's going to have fun! And yes, he can feel Dream’s eyes on his ass as he walks away.

Several months later, Hob sees the pole in Dream’s bedroom for the first time... and gets his first private show. Dream is still a flawless dancer, and he's an even better lover. And while it's probably best not to mention Hob’s dancing, he certainly knows how to use his body to make Dream cum again and again. Poor Ollie has to put on his noise cancelling headphones.

It's ironic that Hob ended up being Dream’s best student. But there are so skills, you really just can't teach. Hehe.