#took two for myself before the point i realised that i probably do want to get more for sure of that for the adjustments' sake

[solaestial]

JUST crossed my mind that i should share here the keychains (and standee) that arrived around a month ago with the end roll chibis i did. these ones and this!!

more rambling and also a small video of the chris and russell one under the cut!!

there's definitely some things i'd adjust if i could, or ever got more. especially with the chris and russell one, which is my personal fave by far otherwise 🥺💗 the translucent effect for the buildings ended up a little too much i think in hindsight sob, and the gradient in the one line was def a risk with that too

but since i have a few duplicates of everything—especially the russell keychain thanks to a nice discount for getting a few more—that could still use some love, i'm thinking i might try ko-fi or vinted (or mercari??) for selling them to anyone interested? i'm not very familiar with all that at all, so i'd be happy to know if anyone has a preference or suggestions there. i'm too intimidated by etsy for something so minor and unsure on how well doing it without a website involved would work :o although i can still consider that definitely at a much lower price than if they were anything more final/refined. honestly i'd feel better even giving them out for free, but my wallet is crying too much from the cost of the order HAHA... i'll make a proper post once i figure all that out 👍

[samkerrworshipper]

togetherness

matilda’s x reader

this one’s a long one so rip

also pls keep sending request lol i need ideas

your a rookie on the squad, struggling to find your footing in a team that you don’t think you fit into. what happens when a certain conflict arises between you and one of your teammates?

angst, little bit of fluff, 5k+ words

I couldn’t really give you a timeline on when I started to space out, when I started to check out. I knew chronologically it would have had to be a few weeks ago, after the world cup had started, just after my whole life had become a shit storm. It was a process, checking out of your own life, it took time, I think that’s why I couldn’t tell you the one moment that I started to, because there wasn’t an exact moment. Slowly the days just all start to smudge into one big mess, you can’t tell people what day it is anymore or when your last meal was. Which sounds stupid, because those are just mundane things. When you check out of life though those things stop mattering, for me I either sleep obtusely or I don’t sleep at all, I don’t eat, I forget how to look after myself. I try to be discreet about it for as long as I can, but eventually people catch on, especially when you are playing professional sport, because you are surrounded by doctors and athletes that know the signs of burnout.

At around two weeks, I think, I could tell my team was catching onto my behaviour. I was a mess, I came to breakfast in the morning with puffy red eyes from crying at night, I didn’t really talk to anyone unless I had to, I was always tired, I kept to myself a little bit too much. It was a matter of time until I was approached, probably told off for having a shitty attitude. I had predicted that, expected it. What I hadn’t expected was to be pretty much cornered in my locker before training by our team captain, Sam Kerr.

As one of the youngest on the team it was safe to say that I was pretty much terrified of our skipper. Not that Sam was a scary person, she was lovely, considerate to a fault. But she was terrifying in a sense that we all knew heading into the world cup she had one ambition and that was to win at home, at all costs. That’s a little bit intimidating, especially when you know that she is prepared to hand you your ass on a silver platter if you do absolutely anything to jeopardise that ambition.

I’d been sitting in my cubby, lacing my cleats up. Both of my airpods in, hoodie on, tracksuit on, puffer jacket hood on. If I didn’t scream unapproachable I don’t know what did. I’d been sitting there a little bit too long I think, staring at my shoe lace for a little bit long, long enough for someone to point me out to Sam. I’d gotten the fright of my life when Sam’s hand had very gently connected with my shoulder. I’d flinched back almost immediately, before turning around and realising where the contact had come from. Sam looked a little bit offended by my sudden reaction to her touch, but the concern left her facial expression fairly quickly.

“Are you okay kid?”

I hated that question. Three words that drove me insane. I don’t think anyone ever answered that question honestly, because it was so blunt. How were you supposed to honestly answer a person you didn’t trust with the answer to the question.

I pulled my airpods out of my ears purely out of respect, even though I could hear Sam perfectly clear.

“Fine, Cap.”

I thought my words would have been enough of an indicator that I didn’t want to talk to her but she’d taken it as an invitation instead to sit down on the bench beside me.

“You don’t look fine.”

I bit the inside of my cheek, hard enough to draw blood, and focused on completing the task of lacing up my cleats.

“Well I am.”

My answers were short and snappy, closed off. They didn’t leave room for imagination or interpretation. I was a blunt person, I spoke bluntly, I reacted to things bluntly. I’d always been that way and I was pretty sure I’d never change.

“Do you want to talk about it? Because I’m here for you.”

I gulped and finished tying up my first cleat, moving on to pulling the second one over my sock covered left foot. I always put the left one on first, it had become routine for me, that was how I’d tied them before I’d won my first game and I’d stuck with it, it was a superstition that I’d never been able to break and I didn’t see why I should break it now.

“I don’t have anything I need to talk to you about.”

My voice was betraying me, my voice and my eyes. I knew Sam would pick up on my aversion to looking at her in the eyes. I could blame it on focusing on tying up my shoes but she was also sitting directly above them and every time I lifted my eyes I just happened to focus on the wall behind her instead.

“Doesn’t seem that way, Ellie told me that she’s heard you crying in your ensuite at night, she says you don’t sleep very much, which I think your under eyes are enough supporting evidence.”

I let my eyes drift over to Ellie, she was standing on the complete opposite side of the locker rooms, talking anxiously to Kyra and Hailey. As soon as she looked up and met my eyes I could tell that Sam’s approach to me had been driven by her, the anxious look in her eyes was enough of a giveaway.

“Ellie doesn’t know what she’s talking about, the girl talks in her sleep most of the time or she’s on the phone to her girlfriend, I don’t think she’d be able to recall my night time activities.”

I focused back in on my cleats, knotting them furiously with my hands that I had now realised were shaking.

“She seemed to have a pretty good idea, we’ve all seen you’ve been checked out recently. I get if you don’t want to talk about it now around the girls. You seem to be having a bad day. So how about you get yourself through training and then you and I have a chat in private?”

It was phrased as a question but nothing about how she’d said the words came out as a proposition, it was an order. I would have tried to object but I knew it would be useless, Sam had made her mind up and once Sam had made up her mind there was no changing it.

“Sounds good skipper.”

My voice was nothing but dripping with sarcasm, it was my only way of pushing out my very clear distaste with the idea of having to talk to Sam after training. As soon as Sam stood up and I’d checked that both of my cleats were on properly I marched right over to Ellie, pulling her away from the conversation she was in and back over to my locker.

“I don’t know who the fuck you think you are but telling on me to cap isn’t going to get you fucking brownie points with me, we aren’t friends Ellie, we’re not sleepover buddies. I am working tooth and nail here to be fucking respected and I just got a proper emotional dressing down from Kerr that was pretty much just her telling me that I needed to get my act together. If that doesn’t scream out not fucking respected than I don’t know what does.”

I watched all of the colour drain from Ellie’s face as she slowly became far more uncomfortable in the conversation. She wasn’t backing down though.

“I don’t know what fucking planet you are on y/n/n but we are just looking out for you. I hear you at night in the bathroom, sobbing and balling your eyes out. That doesn’t scream out okay to me. Sam wasn’t giving you a dressing down she was asking you if you were fucking okay, something that we’ve all wanted to do for a few weeks now, we were just all scared to because we thought you were going to rip our heads off, like you are doing to me right now. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about you right now because how you’ve been behaving as of late isn’t fucking normal and anybody in there right mind would be worried about you.”

Ellie and I’s argument had escalated enough that I could tell most of the locker room's attention had fallen to our heated conversation, neither of us were ready to back down though and that much was evident in how strong both of our glares at each other held.

“Fuck you, you aren’t the person who gets to decide whether or not I’m okay or not. So what if I’ve been keeping to myself? Maybe I needed some down time away from this fucking extroverted team that never gives me a fucking break.”

It was a personal dig, one that I had said far too loudly in a crowded room of girls that I actually really loved, it had been like word vomit though, getting thrown out in me and Ellie’s fight.

“That’s not fair and you know it, all anybody here has done is be nice to you and you’ve been a fucking dick to everyone for the last few weeks, it’s not normal. You were so happy at training camp but ever since we’ve gotten here you’ve lost your shit and it’s fucking pathetic because we are your team and family and you should trust us more than anybody else but you don’t you don’t give two shits about anybody here besides yourself and we can all see it. It’s embarrassing having your represent us in your current condition. Your a wreck. You didn’t deserve to be brought up from the under 20’s. Maybe if you spent less time in our bathroom at nighttime crying about how hard your sorry ass life was you’d realise there are people and things on earth that are more fucking important than you are.”

Ellie’s words had taken the air out of my lungs, it wasn’t what I’d expected and even her facial expression reflected that she was a little bit taken aback by her own words. They were personal, really personal. I blinked a few times, trying to get a footing in the conversation but I couldn’t, because what was I supposed to say to a person accusing me of being a selfish heartless team mate? Me and Ellie stood stock still, just staring at each other, both of us obviously waiting for the other to keep talking but neither of us could.

“Ellie Madison Carpenter, out on the field, right now.”

Steph’s voice echoed against the walls of the changerooms, everyone else was standing completely silent and still in the room. I looked around the locker rooms, aware that literally everyone besides Sam who had left the locker rooms after her talk to me had just heard Ellie’s speech. I was too shocked to do anything besides plaster my hand against my mouth and run directly into the bathroom that connected to the change rooms. I did my best to not let any tears fall until I’d locked the disabled bathroom door behind me and I’d slid down onto the floor. Was that actually what the team thought of me? That I was a selfish, useless, coldhearted bitch who was just here for herself? Ellie’s words had hurt my heart and soul, because I didn’t play for myself, I hadn’t ever.

I consciously could hear the frantic knocking on the bathroom door but my subconscious was doing its best to tune it out.

“Y/n, open the door, please.”

“Fucking Ellie, that kid has no fucking filter.”

“How are we supposed to explain to Cap that she locked herself in the bathroom?”

“Fuck we were supposed to be on the field five minutes ago, Tony is going to have a field day giving us fucking suicide sprints.”

Those were a few of the sentences that I made out through the door. They were enough to tell me that I needed to get my shit together, because one thing I couldn’t handle on top of the team thinking I was all of those things was the team thinking I was the fucking emotional mess that everyone seemed to think I was. So after letting whatever tears I had left fall, I flushed the toilet, in an attempt to try and disguise the sound of me furiously washing the redness off of my face then I walked towards the door, took a deep breath and unlocked it. Hailey and Macka were both waiting outside and were very clearly surprised by my exit from the bathroom.

“Alanna, don’t worry about getting skip, she’s out.”

I bit the inside of my mouth again, satisfied with the irony taste of my own blood filling my mouth.

“Sorry, just feeling a little bit sick.”

It was very clear none of them believed my excuse. I tried to push past them though, trying my hardest to avoid whatever awkward confrontation that I was apparently bound to, because both Ras and Mackenzie stopped me before I could take a step.

“Y/n. What Ellie said wasn’t true and it’s okay for you to feel emotions about that, she let the heat of the moment get to her.”

I gulped, swallowing the mixture of blood and sweat that was resonating in my mouth.

“I told you, I feel sick. I don’t give a shit what Ellie has to say, she’s very welcome to her own opinions, this is a free country, she has an issue I’d rather her say it to my face.”

My words were faulty, untrustworthy, like ice that was slowly cracking.

“You are allowed to be upset at her for saying that about you, it was mean and she was trying to get to you. It’s okay for you to have emotions about that.”

I pursed my lips, I hated confrontation. Confrontation was terrifying.

“I told you I just felt sick, I still do. I need to go talk to Tony, can I leave or am I being held hostage until I talk about emotions that I don’t have or feel right now?”

Hayley and Mackenzie both looked between each other, trying to think up another plan of attack but clearly not finding anything telepathically between themselves.

“You are free to go, we’re here for you if you need to talk.”

I rolled my eyes at the two of them.

“Thanks, I’ll keep a mental note next time I need a therapist to talk about my nonexistent selfish feelings with.”

The sarcasm rolled off of my tongue too easily as I walked out of the locker rooms and into the tunnel, slowly making my way out onto the field. It was night training, so the ground was cold and the bright white fluorescent lights were blaring down across the pitch. I looked out across the ground, the girls had already started running whatever drills they’d been instructed to start with which led me to ask myself the question of how long had I actually locked myself in that bathroom for?

I made my way straight over to Tony who was looking at me in that way he tended to when he was thinking about something.

“Ms y/l/n.”

He smiled at me, a little bit too kindly for my liking.

“Coach, I’m feeling a bit sick, I think I might have eaten something funny this morning, probably that granola that looked like it had been sitting out for a little bit to long, I think I should probably just rest for tonight, unless you want a granola vomit mess to deal with.”

Tony’s eyes studied me, my body language, silently assessing my every move.

“It wouldn’t have anything to do with what happened between you and Ms Carpenter?”

Fuck, that was me exposed. I looked down to my cleats, by default, because I couldn’t look into his eyes knowing that he knew I was lying straight to his face.

“She approached me, told me that she’d said some things to a teammate before coming out for warm ups that she was sorry for, that I should sit her out for a game because of it. Wouldn’t tell me who she’d spoken to, which made me think it must have been pretty serious.”

I gulped anxiously, fuck. Fuck Ellie for making this whole night a flaming hot pile of shit.

“It wasn’t anything bad, I feel sick, it’s got nothing to do with Ellie, I’m a big girl, I can handle my own problems, she shouldn’t sit out for a week, we need her.”

I let my eyes cross the field, to where Ellie was, her whole complexion had paled dramatically and she looked like she’d just been on a really high rollercoaster.

“We also need to look out for the safety of our players. I'm going to ask you this once and I want you to tell me the complete truth. Did Ellie personally attack you in the change rooms before training tonight? Don’t lie to me, I’ll ask one of your team mates if you do and I don’t want to hear that their answers were any different to yours.”

I bit down hard on my mouth tissue, there was a part of me that wanted to lie for Ellie, even though it would probably land us in more trouble, there was also a part of me that wanted to hand her in, even though in my eyes she hadn’t really done anything wrong, she’d said her peace.

“We were both giving it to each other, she gave as much as she got. I deserve to sit out a week just as much as she does if we’re referencing words said to each other, we were both rude, we got stuck up in the heat of the moment. I promise you, with every bone in my body that it won���t ever happen again, I swear to you.”

One thing that my brother told me when we were growing up was how to effectively lie. There was an art to the practice of lying. The first rule was body language, everyone had a tell, it was about identifying yours and then figuring out how to stop it or disguise it. For example, my youngest brother would always tap his left foot when he was lying. Rule number two is eye contact. You need to make some, but not so much that it’s creepy. People can tell when you refuse to make eye contact with them, so you need to occasionally. Third is your voice, it needs to be steady, your pitch and tone need to be consistent, one of the easiest tells is a raised voice when you lie. The fourth rule is physical change, this one is probably the hardest, because there isn’t anything you can do to stop yourself if you get clammy hands when you are lying, you just have to disguise it. The fifth and final rule is words, you need to use enough that your sentences are coherent but don’t over-sell yourself, summarise what needs to be said, instead of reading off a whole backstory.

I’d broken number five and two whilst talking to Tony and I could tell that he was picking up on it. He looked between me and the field before calling over one of my teammates.

“Mary, can I have you for a second.”

I gulped down the lump that was forming in the back of my throat when Fowler finished off the drill she was doing and ran over to the sideline to stand beside the coach and I.

“What can I do for you, coach?”

He smiled at her, I’d very quickly noticed that Mary was one of his favourites, rightfully so. She was a hard worker but she was also kind, Matilda’s captain material for the future.

“Can you give me a run down of what happened in the lockers before training between Ellie and y/n, from my understanding there was a small altercation, but both of them aren’t telling me the whole story and I don’t have time for beating around the bush.”

I looked at Mary, silently praying for her to downplay it, maybe she hadn’t heard much of it. She was the one to pick if you wanted an honest answer, she couldn’t lie for the life of her, I knew that much. She bit her lip subtly, thinking thoroughly before she said anything.

“None of us heard how it started, we all knew that y/n/n was the one to drag Ellie over to her locker after Cap spoke to her. They were arguing, it seemed harmless. Until Ellie was yelling in y/n/n’s face.”

Tony nodded at her inquisitively, clearly very invested in what she had to say.

“Did you hear what Ms Carpenter was saying to Ms y/l/n?”

I gulped, shaking my head as subtly as I could at Mary, this whole encounter was a headache.

“Look, it’s not really something I’m comfortable with repeating.”

I knew Mary was trying to be helpful but I also knew that statement was going to backfire on her because it made the whole situation sound a lot worse than it was.

“Mary, if you don’t tell me I will get someone else too, please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.”

Mary herself gulped anxiously, her eyes frantically darting between Tony and myself. I nodded at her, clearly seeing her distress and just giving her the permission to say her peace, because apparently it was going to get said anyways.

“She was yelling at y/n/n about how y/n/n was selfish and didn’t give a shit about anybody beside herself. I heard her using something about y/n crying in their bathroom at night against her, saying that she was too worried or self obsessed to care about anyone else on the team. I wasn’t close enough though to tell you exactly what either of them said. I was on the other side of the room, Steph was the closest, if you want information I’d be asking her, not me.”

I could feel my hands shaking in my pockets, this whole situation was giving me anxiety.

“Okay then, thank you, can you go fetch Steph for me, just tell her to come over here.”

Mary nodded at coach, before sending me a silent sorry smile before running back out onto the pitch.

Coach pointed to the bench that was on the sidelines a few feet behind us, silently motioning for me to follow him and take a seat down on it.

“Based on what I’ve just been told, I think that Ellie should sit out for a week, her behaviour towards you was unacceptable and she needs to understand there are repercussions for those kinds of situations. Y/n I know that you’ve struggled to find your footing in the team, I’ve seen you struggling with your mental health. I’m here for you if you ever need to talk about it or if you need help. If those struggles mean that you need to separate yourself from the team then that is what you do, regardless of the decisions you make you are a valued member on this team and you don’t deserve to be verbally assaulted because Ellie has a problem with you.”

I pursed my lips, I didn’t think I’d been verbally assaulted, if anything I’d started it.

“Coach, I started it with Ellie. She didn’t even mean what she said, we need her this week, it’s an important game that we can’t afford to have her miss. I don’t want to be the reason we lose this week just because me and Ellie had a minor altercation, it was nothing.”

I couldn’t ignore the deep frown on his face, it was a mixture of concern and disappointment and it went straight to my heart.

“Coach? Mary said you need to speak to me?”

Both of our heads snapped up at the sudden sound of Steph’s voice. She was standing about a foot away from us, her brow furrowed in my direction.

“Steph, yes, I’m just having some trouble understanding the altercation that went down before warm ups with Ms Carpenter and Ms y/l/n. Ms y/l/n is trying to take the whole blame for it and I don’t really believe the whole story that she’s giving me, so if you could please give me some insight it would be much appreciated, as I am taking this very seriously.”

Steph’s eyes went straight to mine, she was my fellow Arsenal team mate, probably the only person on our Matilda’s squad who I could actually call my friend. She was frowning at me deeply, trying to study my facial expression.

“Y/l/n started it, she pulled Ellie up after having a chat with skipper, but from what I heard she was more just annoyed that Ellie had told skipper about some of her more concerning habits. Ellie was mad about being pulled up on it, typical Ellie fashion she took it to heart and she made it personal. I do recall her calling saying something along the lines of if y/n spent less time in their bathroom at nighttime crying about how ‘hard’ her sorry ass life was then she’d realise there were people and things on earth that are more fucking important than you she was, Ellie also made a lot of comments about y/n/n being a selfish person who didn’t give a shit about any of the people around her. Y/n/n might have technically started it but in her defence she didn’t say anything personal or wrong to Ellie, she was just voicing her annoyance about Ellie telling on her to Sam, Ellie was trying to voice her concerns over Y/n/n but it came out wrong and she was trying to make light of a situation that was not hers to talk about in a public space, it was unprofessional and distasteful behaviour from both of them but Ellie was the one who escalated it and made it worse. All y/n really did was tell Ellie to leave her alone and stop pushing, when Ellie did push too far y/n rushed to the bathroom and locked herself in there. Ellie’s behaviour was unacceptable to say the least and I’ve told her, I’m sure Sam will as well once I talk to her about it. I’ve told Ellie she has to apologise to y/n/n and that kind of behaviour won’t be tolerated towards anybody let alone her own teammate.”

Steph’s rundown of the situation was more factual and foolproof then any of the other versions Gustavsson had received and I knew that he was going to believe everything she’d told him.

“Okay, thank you, I really appreciate your transparency on the situation. I made the right call making you interim captain whilst Sam was out. That’s all I should need for now, feel free to go back to what you were doing, I’ll be out there in a minute.”

Once Steph was out of earshot Tony turned to me, clearly a little bit taken aback by all of the information he’d just absorbed.

“You are going to sit out tonight, call it sickness or whatever you please. I want you to stay and watch though, you should be here and you deserve to be here. I’m going to talk to Ellie after training, and just because you don’t seem to want her sitting out I’ll see how remorseful she is and make my roster decision for this weekend based off of that. I know she’s your teammate and you feel like you are taking one for the team by enabling her behaviour towards you and maybe it was a one off, just a heat in the moment thing as you called it. Maybe it wasn’t though, I’m not going to take chances. I want you to think about your own actions as well, think about how you could have dealt with that situation more effectively. Once training’s over you are going to head back to the hotel with the girls and you are going to spend time with them, proper bonding time.”

I nodded at coach, I didn’t have it in me to argue with him.

“Coach, I’m rooming with her.”

It was my main concern, not that Ellie scared me, I’d pretty much ignored her the whole tournament, not that she spent a lot of time in our room anyways, she spent all of her free time until curfew in other teammates rooms.

“Talk to Kerr about it, get her to switch them around, I’m sure it’s not that difficult. Switch rooms, relax for the night, get some sleep, be back here tomorrow. I don’t care whether or not you feel up to training, just be here. This team is your family and whether or not it feels like it they care a lot about you, they are here to support you if you let them. Sometimes you just need to take the leap of faith.”

I nodded at coach. He was a gentle soul, a good one. He reached over to me, offering me a hug and I took it, letting him wrap his arms around my shoulders. It was nice, it didn’t last long but it felt nice. Once he was done giving me a hug he stood up and followed Steph out onto the field.

I found myself gravitating to a spot directly on the sideline, where our team manager was stationed. She didn’t ask any questions as I sat down on the frosty grass beside her station, I was grateful for that much. I hadn’t talked to her much but she seemed lovely and in the very little interactions I had had with her she had gone above and beyond to make me comfortable in whatever we were doing.

I spent my training, sitting on the grass, watching the team as they ran through a few drills and plays before moving into a full scrimmage. I kept my body tucked in, my knees to my chest, my puffer jacket and hoodie wrapped tightly around my legs and torso to pull my knees even further into my chest. It was a blessing that they’d designed waterproof sweatpants, because I would have probably had a cold and wet ass if they hadn’t. Somewhere along the way our team manager offered me a packet of gummy bears and I couldn’t find it in me to decline her offer, so I snacked on the gelatinous pieces of sugar whilst I watched the training slowly come to an end.

They finished with PK’s and then concluded the session. I stayed seated in my little spot, I hoped that no one had spotted me and maybe if I waited for everyone to slip off the field and into the locker rooms I would just be able to hop onto the bus without being detected. My plan pretty much backfired immediately when a certain captain beelined directly towards me, clearly I hadn’t gone unnoticed to her. I grimaced as she got closer to my spot, my spot that my head had deemed as a safe spot from the rest of my teammates.

Sam didn’t even acknowledge me to begin with, instead turning her attention to our team manager, making pretty common conversation with her. She spoke to her for a few minutes, it was afternoon tea talk, just bullshit. Sam’s specialty. Eventually when she finished up she looked down at me, an eyebrow raised. She motioned for me to stand up and follow her, so stupidly, like a puppy, I did. My muscles were cold and I’d be lying if I said that getting up from the ground hadn’t been a little bit harder than I’d predicted. I managed though and caught up to Sam, following after her as she walked back down the tunnel but instead of turning into the locker rooms we kept walking down the corridor until we came to the video review room. It was pretty much just a conference room, one big room with a bunch of tables and chairs that we used to scout and review our own games. Sam closed the blinds to the room, so no bye passers could see in and turned the lights on.

She seated herself at one of the tables, gesturing for me to do the same, so I did. The first thing Sam did was pull out her phone and start typing something or another before looking up at me.

“Steph told me about what happened between you and Ellie.”

I gulped, biting my lip as I tried my hardest to maintain my eye contact with Sam, I wasn’t going to break, not again. I watched as Sam’s finger made its way to her mouth and she bit down on her nail in a questioning kind of way that I couldn’t explain even if I tried.

“I started it, I was pissed off at her for ratting on me to you.”

My honesty would be appreciated, I knew that Sam valued honesty above anything else.

“I don’t really care who started it, I care about togetherness, you know that. This team needs one thing, cohesion. I don’t care who started it, I care about who the problem was and in that situation it was Ellie, she said things that she had no business saying, with the intention of hurting you. That’s enough to tell me that in that situation she was prepared to jeopardise our team just so she could tear down one of our own. I’ve recommended to Tony that she sits out this week. He told me you were apprehensive about it, I wanted to know why.”

There was a simple answer, and a more complex answer, a part of me knew which one Sam wanted.

“Short answer, Ellie is a crucial part of our team, we need her. Long answer, I don’t think she did anything wrong.”

Sam looked up at me, a little bit shocked.

“Look y/n, it’s clear there's been a lot on your mind recently. A lot that you clearly aren’t prepared to share, and that's okay. I saw on the sideline tonight, you looked like you were mentally in a different place, like you were really worried thinking about something and you’ve been like that for a few weeks. I know that you have trust issues, that you are finding it hard to slot into this team because you are scared to be vulnerable. I am here for you, I won’t judge you, I will help you with whatever you need help with, because I can tell there is something and until you do seek out help for it it is only going to destroy you further.”

Sam’s words receded in me, because she was so right that I couldn’t even try to deny it.

“Am I a selfish player and teammate?”

The words felt so raw coming out of my throat, it was something that Ellie had said that had stuck with me.

“No, I can honestly tell you you aren’t. You play football with so much grace and kindness that sometimes it drives me up the wall watching you help up your opponents who have tripped over. You aren’t a selfish person either, you are more reserved, that doesn’t make you selfish, it just makes you self aware, there is a big difference.”

I nodded at Sam, not sure what else there was for me to do. Her words were full of so much wisdom, so much insight. I still couldn’t find it in me to believe them fully though, my self deprecating brain not welcome to accepting any kind of form of praise.

“Look, change is hard. You are young, inexperienced. Staying somewhere that you’ve outgrown though is only going to destroy you. I know this is a big jump, I wouldn’t have reccomended for you to be here though if I didn’t think it was the right fit. You are a world class player, and a genuinely good person. When you smile, it lights up a room. Your laugh is contagious. It’s clear that you’ve never been cared for properly, never let yourself. You have a family now though y/n. You have people that you can go to when you are having a bad day, people that are going to love you no matter what. Use that, take advantage of it. A team doesn’t function without trust.”

There was something about Sams words that told me she actually understood what I was going through, she was dancing on a line of relating to me and giving me advice, the line was a little bit blurred though.

“Do you trust me?”

I let Sam’s words hang in the air for a few seconds, it took me a little while to formulate a reponse.

“I don’t trust anyone, not even myself.”

Sam’s eyes, those brown orbs spoke to me, more than any words ever could to me.

“You don’t think people care for you.”

“Why would people care for me?”

There was so much insecurity behind the words, years of it all built up.

“I care, I’ll always care. Everyone should have somebody to care for them.”

“You have to care, your my captain.”

It was the last bit of defiance leaving my body, the last of my barriers being used.

“Partly, yes. It’s sort of my job. But I save it for the ones who need it and you seem to be in need.”

I rolled my eyes, another defence mechanism that I used to deflect, to avoid my emotions.

“I don’t need help.”

“Maybe not, but when you’re born in a burning house you think the whole world is on fire until someone shows you it isn’t.”

I didn’t fully understand her cryptic but I got the general idea.

“You implying I was born in a burning house?”

Sam’s head tilted, like she wasn’t denying my statement but also didn’t agree with it fully.

“I’m implying that you are here for a reason. That we are all here for different reasons, different driving factors. The difference between you and some of the other girls is that you are letting your past define you, when it doesn’t. The best part of being here is that when you are out on the pitch nobody cares about anything else, nobody could care less about what’s happened in your personal life. Use that, use that to be happy, to find your motivation. Trust me? Let me show you that this team isn’t just a group of girls, it can be your family if you want it to be.”

I looked at Sam flatly trying to figure out how serious she was, when he face didn’t falter I realised how serious she was and that scared me a little bit. I didn’t know if I was ready for that, ready for a family, ready to feel loved and appreciated. It wasn’t soemthing I’d ever really experienced.

“Y’know that it shouldn’t seem remarkable to you that people who love and care for you actually want to treat you well.”

Those words were the straw that broke my back. I couldn’t help but feel the tears well up in my eyes.

“y/n,” Sam’s voice drew my eyes up to her own “You are allowed to cry.”

I shook my head at her, bringing the sleeve of my jumper up to my eyes to rub at the tears escaping my eyes.

“I’m fine.”

“Are you though?”

It was the amount of questioning behind her face that threw me off, I knew she didn’t believe me but the amount of concern laced into her facial expression hit some place in my heart I didn’t know I had.

“You know that it’s okay to not be fine all the time. You are allowed to have feelings, to feel things other than numb. Look, feeling hurts. Life is pain, life is suffering. Being alive hurts, it’s horror and it sucks. But you are alive and it’s spectacular and brilliant because instead of just living you are alive.”

I continued rubbing at my eyes, trying my best to stop any of the tears running down my face.

“I’ll think about it cap, I think it’s about time for me to head back to the hotel.”

Before I could get up and completely leave the room Sam got in her final words.

“There are poeple around that would miss you y/n/n, people who would be gutted if anything ever happened to you. Just think about that.”

[ave0cad0]

jogging routine / ushijima x reader

The morning breeze was always the best thing when waking up early for a jog. It was quiet, yet comforting as nobody was up this early. At first, you started jogging to let out some steam, but after a while a jogging routine just naturally got into your daily life. Lately a new presence appeared during your jogs. You never interacted with that person before, but you have noticed the tall build jog from a couple metres away from you. It was Ushijima.

How come you knew who he was even though you never interacted with him? That man was famous around the area, so you heard a ton of rumours about him.

Sometimes you appeared behind him during the jog, other times in front of him. The road you two usually took was through Shiratorizawa Academy, his private high school, but there was a difference between the path you and Ushijima took. You usually turned around to jog back while he stopped there. You had enough time to jog back to your house, prepare for your classes and head to your high school.

But one day something changed and you being an awkward bean, was somewhat jogging with Ushijima after taking an U-turn from Shiratorizawa. The moment you were going to turn around from there, he asked bluntly if he could jog with you back. No introductions, nothing less, nothing more. With a quick nod, he tagged along with you.

"So Ushijima," you started and hoped he would engage in a conversation. The silence was kind of killing you slowly.

"Is there a reason to why you asked me to tag along? I'm trying to be rude or something like that- i mean", you continued and a slight blush covered your cheeks. You were never good at starting conversations, but whenever you were curious about something, you tried your best to bring it up. God he probably thought you were dumb for asking that question.

"You were always jogging alone, and you run similar to my pace", he replied with a stoic, almost cold expression on his face. "And I also had time so I asked"

Oh. Did you really seem lonely jogging? An imaginary tear fell from your eye as you thought about it. "Did it seem that I was lonely?" you mumbled with a pout. That reaction brought Ushijima to chuckle.

"I can go away if you want to", he said but you shook your head quickly. With a quick awkward smile, you just said: "It's nice to have a companion to do this with". It was not far left till you two arrived in front of your house, even though you lowkey wanted to converse more with Ushijima.

Before he could say anything, you told him that you have finished the jog before pointing at your home. "It seems that I am done with my jog, so I should go now" you opened the gate to walk in. Before you walked into your house, the words from him woke a little fire inside of you.

"It was nice jogging with you" before he just went away before you could even reply back. With a sigh, you entered your home thinking this was the first and last time you two would engage in such situation. You kind of wished this would be a part of your routine. To have someone next to you jogging every morning.

Oh boy did heavens grace you that wish.

The morning after, you were met with a soft smile from the tall boy with the purple jersey.

"Would you enjoy my company again?"

You realised that he probably never got your name, yet you knew about him without him even knowing. Without no introductions before till now, you stretched your hand out.

"I should introduce myself before answering that", you said with a smile.

"My name is Y/N", you could see his eyes glistened with slight excitement as he took your hand and shook it slightly.

"Ushijima", when introductions were done, you opened the gate and started jogging. You looked behind to him only to say:

"Well if you catch up now, I would love to have you as my jogging partner"

The sound of footsteps were closing into you. Though no words were exchanged throughout most of the route, you found yourself a new partner who would potentially be someone you would care about a lot later.

Ushijima Wakatoshi. Behind that stoic expression, there was something that made you take a liking to. Maybe it was a start of a new path in life.

[kasagia]

❄️️Warm my heart pt. 7❄️️

Pairing: Aleksander Morozova/ The Darkling x fem! heartrender! reader Summary: The truth sets you free… sometimes even if you don't want it to. (Belated) Merry Christmas!! There is a one last part left to this story... Word Count: 4,3 k Taglist:@aoi-targaryen @budugu @flostvs1508 @chelseyyouraverageluigi ~•♤♤♤•~ Aleksander Morozova’s Masterlist ~•♤♤♤•~ ~•♤♤♤•~ Part 6 ~•♤♤♤•~ Part 8 ~•♤♤♤•~

"Leave me alone, Fedyor!" you shout at the heartrender, who somehow managed to find you in the crowded city. Christmas was in a few days, and the residents of Os Alta took to the streets to buy the rest of the gifts at the last minute.

Tomorrow, you would have probably been among them too, picking up a gift for the general, if it weren't for the conversation with that old witch who tormented you in your youth when she was your mentor and trainer.

"C'mon, Y/N. We need to go back to the Little Palace."

Fedyor grabs your arm, trying to pull you away from the bar. But you don't let yourself be distracted from your place. Instead, you pour him a glass of alcohol and hand it to him, clinking your glass against his.

"How is it that the guy I like always turns out to be a red flag? Is it because of our keftas? Do we always end up with a man fitting our outfit?"

"Oh, saints... I thought you were a little more sober." he sighs and downs his drink, sitting down next to you. You lean against him, nuzzling into his shoulder as you continue your drunken accusations and complaints.

"I am sober! I am finally sober, Freddy!"

"Fedyor." he corrects you, smiling in amusement at your cute drunken state.

"Whatever." you say and drink a shot. "The point is... that men suck." you speak in a very serious tone, as if revealing a great secret to him.

"Hey!" he says, acting indignant and playfully pushing away from you. This makes you lose your balance a bit, and you grab the wooden bar counter with all your strength.

"Not you! I mean, not gays. Well, Ivan too, since you both argued, but… Ugh! You know what I mean." you lean on his shoulder as he tries to lead you out of the bar without you noticing.

"Yeah, I can imagine." he obediently agrees and puts your cloak on you before leading you out into the streets of Os Alta.

"What I want to say is that I am finally sober from my stupid feelings, crushes, and everything I was feeling since I've started to work with that damn bastard."

"Who the hell made you hate him so much?"

"Myself. And woman. A really wise woman. We should listen to women more!" you shout, hugging him tight as you lose your balance in a rush of emotions.

"Y/N. Let's get home. Before you fall and smash your head on the ground."

"I should've taken Zoya with me. She knows how to have fun. Not like others. And she also hates him! Alina probably too. We can start a club! The club: 'I hate the Darkling." you mumble in your drunken state, holding on to Fedyor for dear life as he leads you to the Little Palace.

He thanks all the saints above for not noticing that you two are passing through the gates of the palace.

"You don't hate him. You are just hurt for some reason. I can't tell why, but I guess you should go and talk with him about anything that happened."

"You have the right!" you agree with him enthusiastically, and he frowns in surprise. From the combative and defiant way you expressed your sudden aversion and hatred for the general in the bar, he expected you to fight him at all costs. "Let's go!" his eyes widen at your words, in realisation that you weren't on a peaceful path to reconciliation at all.

You push away from him and stagger towards the general's chambers.

"No! Y/N! Wait! Not now." he says panicked and runs after you. He grabs you by the collar and pulls you back before you hit the wall.

He sighs, realising that it won't be that easy for him to convince you to go to your own chambers instead of going and arguing with Kirigan.

Aleksander was returning from a meeting with the king, to which Ivan had dragged him. He was angry at this old fool for interfering in the affairs of him and the Little Palace. Or, actually, he was so angry that he had to leave your warm arms and soft lips to deal with this royal asshole for three hours.

All he wanted was to come back to you. He secretly hoped that maybe he would find you completely naked in his bed or in his warm bathtub, waiting for him.

But when he reached his chambers, he didn't find you at all.

"Y/N?" he asks as he comes inside. He walks past the war room and kncoks on the table in case you didn't hear him walking inisde. "Y/N?"

He looks into his library, his dressing room, his bedroom, and even his bathroom (yes, he was a fool who never gave up hope), but you are nowhere to be found.

"Y/N?!" he shouts, returning to the war room. His heartbeat sped up dramatically. You weren't here. You were supposed to wait for him.

Aleksander had to find you. You wouldn't just leave without leaving a note—nothing. On the other hand, he didn't notice any signs of a fight or a skirmish in his chambers. You simply vanished. You disappeared. Like you've never been here. Like all the moments he shared with you, they were only an imagination of his mad mind. For a moment, he felt like he had lost all his common sense.

He put on the kefta again, which he threw off as soon as he arrived. He was adjusting his collar when he stopped, alarmed, hearing a noise in the corridor.

Just in case, he summons his shadows and leaves the chamber with his black shadows dancing around his fingers. He leaned out slightly, scanning the corridor, ready to cut in half whoever dared to take you from him again. He sighs in relief when he sees you on Fedyor's shoulder as you say something to him.

For a moment, he was terrified. That they came for you again, that someone took you from him again, that something happened to you again and he wasn't there in time to save you... or that you wanted to run away from him and leave him like so many others.

Like Luda or Ulla.

"Y/N." he sighs with relief. Your eyes widen as you see him.

He was walking towards you, but he stopped when he saw betrayal, bitterness, and rage shining in your eyes instead of the loving gaze he used to receive.

But that wasn't what worried him most. That was your look—the same look he got from many people in his youth when they found out he was a shadow summoner. Except that your disgusted, angry look hurt him more than any of the people's glances at him, his mother's scoldings and taunts, or the wound from the blades they tried to kill him with.

He sees how you tense up at the sight of him, watching his every little move carefully. He felt anxious, a shiver running through him as he was greeted with your hostility instead of the sweet smile with which you said goodbye to him. And he had no idea where your change in attitude had come from.

Something was wrong…

"There it is! The liar! The bastard! The walking devil himself!" you shout, walking towards him.

You trip over your feet, and he automatically takes a few steps forward to catch you in his arms before you land on the floor. He looks at you carefully, and by the strong smell of alcohol coming from you and your flushed cheeks, he perceives your condition.

He completely forgot about your hostility. For now, his priority was keeping you safe and comfortable. Firstly, he just needed to understand the reason for your drunkenness. When it turns out that nothing terrible has happened (such as the sudden death of one of your family members), then he can cope with that sinister glint in your eyes that appears each time your gaze meets his.

"Is she just drunk or something bad happened?" he asks Fedyor, confused, as he finally get together enough to say something.

"YOU! That's what happened! You are the worst fucking man I have ever felt in love with." his heart skips a beat at your drunken confession. He wanted to hear it; he had secretly craved it for some time, but certainly not under these circumstances...

"C'mon, milaya. Let's take you to bed." he whispers, nodding at Fedyor to leave. Heartrender bows to him and heads towards his chambers, leaving you two alone. He gently hugs you and leads you back to his chambers.

You lean on him, and for a moment, everything seems okay as he sits you down on his bed and kneels in front of you to untie your shoes. But when your eyes meet his face again, you go into a kind of fury, kicking him and moving away from him as far as possible.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!"

"What happened to you?!" he asks, bursting out. He doesn't understand your sudden hostility, how your attitude towards him changed in a matter of minutes—hours, actually—and how suddenly all your love and affection just... stopped existing for him.

"You!" you shout, pointing your finger at him. You wobble on your feet, and at the last moment, he comes over to catch you. This time, you let him place you on his bed and take care of you.

"More details, please." he sighs in anguish, making sure you're comfortable for the rest of the night. Whatever wrong you think he's done, no matter how mad you are at him, he won't let you escape his watchful eye like this. He would keep you safe even if you pointed a damn shotgun at him.

"I had a really nice conversation with Baghra." he freezes, halfway through unbuttoning your coat. Baghra talked to you. His mother, who hated his insides. Various scenarios and stories that she could have told you run through his head. He's glad you're telling him that when you're drunk. At least this will give him time to prepare his counter-speech until you sober up and can have a serious conversation. He just hopes that Baghra hasn't had time to make you completely hate him and to turn you against him in the few hours he's been gone. "That's it, you lying traitor! I know everything!"

"Y/N... it's not what it looks like..."

"Of course! Yes! How was I so blind to fall for your lying tongue?! I believed your sad stories and cute, puppy-like eyes, like some stupid, naive girl. Ugh! I stayed with you for damn Christmas, so that you don't feel lonely and could enjoy the holidays for probably the first time in your damn life instead of visiting my little brother!"

He doesn't respond to your words. He just holds your hand and strokes it gently as you continue to drunkenly mutter whatever's on your mind. And he listens carefully, focusing his attention on all the noteworthy words that will help him understand at least a little about how you feel and how he can fix the mess that this mad witch called his mother has gotten him into.

"I just thought you would turn out to be a better man." you whisper disappointedly, snuggling into his pillow. He finds the sight both endearing and heartbreaking.

He sighs and presses a kiss on your forehead, running his hand through your hair as you sleep deeply.

He won't lose you. Many people turned away from him; he let many of them go; he also lost many, but you won't be one of them. He may be selfish, but he's fed up with loneliness, and with you... with you, he feels like a completely different person. Someone he was before centuries of life shaped him into the man he is now. A general who was supposed to take care only of his Grisha, no matter what. A man who knew that power was something that had to be tamed, something that could not be allowed to go uncontrolled, and with you, he had lost too much of that control lately.

He had to fix everything.

And the sight of your tears drying on your cheek and neck, where he had placed tender kisses hours earlier, made him realise where he needed to start.

"You're already crawling here? I thought you'd be chasing your precious little heart first." his mother said this as he stood at the entrance to her cottage. She was finishing packing. A few years ago, he would have thanked the Saints for finally getting rid of her, but now he was glad he had made it before she left.

"Did you think I would just let you leave? That I'll let you escape and hide in a hole while I put out the fires you start?"

"I don't need anyone's permission. Besides, I doubt you'll be able to put out this fire. This little girl is quite a gasoline. She didn't need much to understand what she got herself into. Or to run away." he laughs mockingly as he steps inside. He leaves the door open to get on her nerves.

"Then, with great pleasure, I am here to say that she is back and sleeping peacefully in my bed."

"Stupid girl." she mutters under her breath and closes her bag. She throws it over her shoulder and finally turns to face him. "And what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be keeping an eye on her? After all, she can tell your little secret to the Sun Summoner. And then your plans…"

"I trust her." he says confidently, staring defiantly at his mother. "She won't do anything against me." he adds, feeling the necklace you gave him under his kefta and remembering the countless times you stood by his side, the countless times you showed him your devotion and affection.

"She trusted Kirigan. Not Aleksander." she notices. Aleksander feels bile rising in his throat and uncertainty, but he quickly shakes off the feeling, knowing that causing it is the purpose of his mother's words. And he learned better than to continue listening to her poison.

"She will trust the real me too."

They both stare at each other, waiting to see who will give in and whose defence will be low enough to strike a blow. This was mainly how conversations with his mother went. Eternal strategies, planning the next step, careful observation, and most importantly, keeping a mask and not expressing any real feelings and thoughts.

Maybe if he hadn't created the fold, things would have been different between them. But it wasn't. And he didn't know what hurt him more—that he had lost his only support over the centuries or that he couldn't just let her go or hate her completely as she deserved.

"After you lied to her? I doubt it. Remember what I told you? That greedy man may be terrible, but..."

"But there is nothing like a mad woman." he finishes for her, rolling his eyes at her poor attempt to make him doubt or dislike you in any way. "I have nothing to worry about."

"Then you should watch out for her. She may be Grisha, but she's as dead as we are, as is Miss Starkov. It's easy for something to happen to your precious little second-in-command."

"Be careful with your words." he growls menacingly, taking a step towards her. He glares at her with his evil gaze, but it does nothing for her. He knows he won't hurt her, just as she won't attack him... at least not yet. "If you put her in harm's way... think about what I might do..." an unspoken threat hangs between them.

"You were pathetic. You are pathetic. And you will always be pathetic, Aleksander."

He almost flinches at her remark. The eternal dispute between them. About Aleksander's attachment to people. Even the most fragile and weak ones, when Baghra abandoned her own children when they were not strong enough... Like she did with Ulla.

"Just like you'll always be alone, mother." he points this out and is happy to see the slight change in her facial expression as her mocking smirk disappears from her face for a moment. His small victory.

Baghra doesn't respond to his words. Shadows engulf the cabin, and before he knows it, she is gone, leaving him alone inside. He clenches his fists and spreads the shadows with a sweeping movement of his hand. He sighs, wondering how much Baghra told you was true about him and how much she made up to paint him as a power-hungry monster in your eyes.

He returns to the Little Palace in the morning. He's waiting for you to wake up, trying to read some reports and finish writing orders, but he can't bring himself to do it. All he thinks about is you, what he will tell you, how you will react, and whether you will hate him like his mother wanted you to.

When you finally wake up, he feels both delighted that his torment is over and concerned that he will have to talk to you soon. He walks up to you and hands you a cup of water and some hangover medicine.

But you don't accept it from him. Instead, you stare at him uncertainly, distrust shining brightly in your eyes, piercing his heart. He swallows, trying to get rid of the feeling of pain.

"You are aware I am the same man I was 24 hours ago?" he asks jokingly, setting the glass and medications on the nightstand next to you. He doesn't sit on the bed; he stands next to it, giving you some space. He must act methodically and carefully. Approaching you like a deer… or stag.

"No, you are not." you say it stubbornly, glancing at the things he left on the bedside table.

You raise a glass and look at the drugs carefully. Fortunately, he refrains from snorting, disbelieving that Baghra only needed a few hours of conversation to turn you against him. YOU. The only person he showed the parts of Aleksander hidden deeply in the darkest parts of himself from the world.

"Y/N... please. I just want to talk."

"About what? How have you been lying to me?" she asks him hostilely, looking at him defiantly. He knows that look and attitude. He had seen you like this more than once, when you were interrogating the Fjerdans they had captured. He never wanted to be at their place. And there he was.

"About how can I fix the way you think about me because of my mother, who isn't as much of my fan as you can guess now?"

"Well, at least now I know who you inherited this attitude from." you huff, getting out of bed. You reach for your folded kefta on the chair he left for you and start to put it on yourself.

"I beg your pardon? I am nothing like her."

"You even wrinkle your nose in the same way when something irritates or annoys you." you point it out, and he chuckles bitterly, shaking his head as he walks over to you. It's not too close, though. After yesterday, he knows better than to try to treat you with the same tenderness as before. Even if he desperately wants to.

"It's been many years since I thought of us as being anything remotely similar... of course, instead of being shadow summoners, immortals, and Morozovas."

"Wait, Morozova? Like... like the stag of Morozova?"

"Yes. Like the stag of my grandfather." he admits, shocking you even more. He watches the gears in your head turn as you uncover the hidden truth, connecting the lies Baghra told you with what he managed to reveal to you about himself.

"So not only are you… a Black Heretic, but you're also Morozova's grandson?"

"Y/N... I know it can seem complicated for you..."

"No! No. Nothing is complicated. You... you created the fold. And now you chase the stag to get its bones so you can amplify your and Alina's power to have full control of the fold. To take control of Ravka and call yourself a king."

"That's... not exactly the truth." he says, taking a step towards you. You automatically move away from him, and he clenches his jaw in frustration and anger at his mother and you for so easily believing Baghra's words.

"And what should I've believed in? You've been lying to me all this time!"

"Telling you half a story is not the same as lying." he defends himself, now staring at you with an equally obstinate gaze as you both stubbornly stick to your opinion.

"Maybe in your point of view, but not in mine." he sighs at your words, running a hand through his hair. You see his shadows hovering in the corners of his chambers as he stares at you in annoyance.

"I do not understand your behaviour. Nothing happened. You know that I was slowly revealing pieces of myself and my past. I guess you didn't expect me to tell you right away that I am... a Black Heretic. That I had lived a hundred lives, that I had to be reborn each time as somebody else to keep my existence in hiding. What other choice did I have?"

"That's the problem, Aleksander, you don't see any other solutions. You go with what is easiest for you." he huffs furiously and walks over to you. You fall back, bumping into a wall.

"Yes, because fawning over the king for hundreds of years to keep my Grisha safe is the easiest thing to do. You have no idea what I went through to give my people what we have now. If it weren't for me, you would be running away from Ravkans, Fjerdans, Shu Hans, and other beasts that want us dead or experiment on us. You don't know what it's like to go hungry, to have no roof over your head, to fear every day for your life and the lives of your loved ones, to see them die, and to bury every single person you have ever cared about. And do you know why? Because thanks to me, Grisha are now treated better than animals." he's now standing exactly a step away from you, breathing heavily with anger as he glares at you defiantly. He doesn't touch you, but you feel his heavy breath on your cheek.

"Creating a golden cage from the fold will not make us safe. You cannot isolate yourself from all evil and danger. You have to fight it. I never thought you were a coward, Aleksander. Don't make me believe you're really someone else."

You manage to push him past so you can walk towards the exit. He grabs your elbow, stopping you from leaving. Not hard enough to bruise, but enough to make you stop right there.

"What are you going to do?" he asks after a moment of heavy silence between the two of you, staring intensely at the back of your head, waiting for any movement from you.

"Nothing. You are still my general. Besides, I doubt anyone would believe me if I tried to tell the world who you really are. And don't worry. I won't tell Alina that you want to claim her power to yourself."

"It's not like that at all…"

"DON'T." you say furiously and sharply, turning to him slowly to meet his gaze. It takes all of your strength to hold back your tears that are also shining in his eyes. “Don't lie to me anymore.”

"Milaya..." he whispers desperatly, trembling as he is reaching to cup your cheek in his hand, but you pull away from him before his fingertips can touch your skin.

"If you want to prove that Baghra lied, that you weren't pretending to be a boy hurt by the world just because you were looking for some sick feeling of comfort or normality from me... if you want to prove that I'm not another Luda for you, someone who only reminds you of your great love, then prove it to me. Prove that you are a better man than Baghra taught you to be and describes you."

"The world needs a monster to change, Y/N, not a saint or hero."

"You are good, Aleksander." you say, taking a step towards him and cupping his cheeks with both of your hands. His beard tickles you a little, but you don't mind as you stroke his skin with your thumbs, keeping those dark, teary irises focused entirely on you. "I see it every time. In your patience with the little Grisha, in your concern for the well-being of each of us, in how sweet and protective you are around the people you care about... in the fact that despite hundreds of years, you still have a fragment of humanity preserved. You don't have to be rough. You don't have to be evil and ruthless. Baghra taught you that you won't survive by showing weakness and taking care of the people you outlive, but you are not like her. You are not a monster. Please don't prove me wrong. Don't prove to me that you don't care who suffers, Ravkans, Fjerdans, or others, as long as you win and achieve your goal, however honourable and glorious it may seem." you whisper the last sentence shakily and tilt his head, pressing a tender kiss to his forehead. You close your eyes for a moment, absorbing his warmth and scent and memorising it.

You finally pull away from him and leave his chambers without looking back. He gives you a longing look and closes his eyes, letting out a shaky breath. His eyes land on the plans spread out on his war table.

And he can't help but wonder: Is everything he has worked for all these centuries worth standing utterly alone at the end of his glorious purpose?

[strawberrynightmere]

Bad Cats!!! [Part 3]

Warning ⚠️: yandere tendencies, mention of (temporary?) re-homing, mention of financial struggling (idk how to exactly put it), an attempt at writing a professional sounding email.

A/n: Sorry, this took a while, I had things to do. This is a bit longer than what I expected.

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

It finally happened. Your boss' incompetence has set back the whole company. You knew it would happen eventually, but you thought that by then, you'd be working somewhere else. There's still no reply from the places you applied to and the bills! What are you going to do now? The obvious thing is to cut your food supply short, but that's still not enough.

And how are you going to take care of Andrew and Ashley? You can't just toss them outside. That's inhumane! You've grown attached to those two and they have also grown attached to you. Besides, they've been living here with you for some time, and you're afraid they won't be able to adjust to the streets again.

All of this has been brought up in your conversation with Julia. Unlike Nina, Julia knew how to offer helping you.

"What if I take them in until you get back to your feet."

"You would do that? Even take in Ashley?"

"Yeah! You said they got tamer over the time, besides when introduced to new people. I can deal with that for the time being."

You wanted to cry in releaf. Like a boulder just fell off of your shoulders. You make the arrangement with Julia and end the call.

"Meow?"

Andrew was right at the doorway looking at you with what you can pinpoint was concern.

You crouch down to his level and pat his head. "Everything is alright."

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

You were waiting for Julia in the park, where you said you two would meet. Andrew and Ashley were in their cat carriers wondering why they were here and what was happening.

You hear footsteps running in your direction. It was Julia!

"Sorry I'm late. Traffic." She said out of breath.

You take her to the bench you were sitting on to rest a bit. While she was resting, you, for some reason unknown to anyone, spoke to Andrew and Ashley.

"Listen, you two will be staying with Julia, temporarily, please be good to her. I'll come back for you as soon as possible." Then you turn to and tell her what she needed to know about the two.

Meanwhile, Andrew and Ashley were confused, to say the least.

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

The time the cat siblings spent with your friend was unpleasant. Ashley hated everything about this situation. She hated the place they were living in. She hated Julia. She hated how she treated them as babies. She hated that Andrew was unresponsive the whole stay.

"Are you still going to stay quiet?"

At this point, she'll die of boredom and frustration.

Speaking of which.

Ashley slaps her brother with her little back paw.

"Are you gonna talk now?"

"She left us."

"Huh?"

"She. Left. Us." Andrew repeated, emphasizing each word.

"Well, watcha gonna do about it?"

"Something I should've done before."

That surprised her. It took only a moment for her to realise what he meant.

"Oh. Oh! My god, really? Are you actually gonna do it? You are gonna listen to me. This. This moment is so much bigger than me! I'd like to thank myself for holding up for so long. My parents... can continue to rot in Hell where they belong."

Andrew just rolled his eyes at his sister's dramatic speech, like she was gonna get some kind of reward.

"But anyways. This episode is titled 'Andy and Leyley and the-"

"You're not going."

"Huh?!"

"You'll stay here and distract the human. She still can't tell the difference between us."

Ashley sinks down to the floor.

"And Leyley is stuck with the crumiest job possible."

"Daww, don't worry, Leyley. We'll pick you up very soon." Andrew assured in a teasing tone.

"Ha ha ha! Fucking asshole."

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

One rejection letter after another. You were losing hope. You're gonna end up homeless at this point.

Slumping your head on the table.

Ding!

An email from your current job. It's probably gonna beo something like half of the company being let go. Whatever. You click on the email.

---

Respected workers of [COMPANY],

It has come to us with a heavy heart to announce that [REDACTED] from [DEPARTMENT NAME] has been forced to let go.

As you are all aware of the current setback in this company. We are glad to announce that this is just a small hiccup, and in soon time, the company as a whole will soon be able to function like before, and you'll be able to receive your full payments.

For any questions you have, please email us.

With full regards

[RANDOM NAME]

P. S. As for the new manager of [DEPARTMENT NAME], the position will be vacant until further notice.

---

This has to be a dream. You rub your eyes to confirm. Yep. It's real. So many questions were forming. Was any of this possible? What was this feeling right now?

Who cares! You won't have to worry about this anymore. You won't have to worry about finding a home for Andrew and Ashley or the possibility to send them to a pound. You won't have to worry about starving or being homeless.

And the best part? That sucker of your boss finally got fired.

Wait. Andrew and Ashley. You'll have to see until next month if you'll be able to take them back. Right. It's late. You'll tell Julie about the good news in the morning.

"Meow."

What the...

Black fur, green eyes. Either you're hallucinating from the lack of sleep and the lack of nutrition, or that really was Andrew sitting at the doorway.

You carefully get close to the cat and stretch your hand out to him. And then you feel his little head rubbing against your palm.

"What are you doing here?" You ask in a voice that was right above a whisper. "I can't take you back just yet. I need to call Julie."

Picking up your phone from the table, you dile Julie and wait for her to pick up, but there is no answer.

"Gess, I'll return you back there tomorrow."

As you say that, two arms trap you at the table where you were sitting. Turning around, you see the same man from your dreams. Black hair and green eyes. It suddenly dawned on you.

"You're not taking me anywhere."

🌸🌸🌸🌸🌸

A/n: There were a lot of possible plots I was working on, and honestly, this one was the only one that was working out for me. Hope you enjoyed it.

[luveline]

how do u deal with adult loneliness? i’m 22, i live at home but my family’s never been close to do stuff or hang out and work is just not an environment i can be close to people in and all my friends work or live together so i don’t ever get to spend time with them like they do each other so i always feel out of the loop. i come home and just hang out by myself and it’s been making me so sad recently. (i’m so sorry for venting in ur asks but u seem very wise.)

I am so sorry I wrote a massive answer to this and it just didn’t save but most of it wasn’t helpful anyways so let’s do round two of the better points

it’s totally okay to vent if you want, I can’t always answer but I try to when I can cos I know how it feels to really want to tell someone something and feel like you have no one to tell! I am also a very lonely adult, but I used to be even lonelier, and here are the things I do to cope with being lonely and to improve how often I feel lonely

I think we must first poke the relationship between poor self-esteem and loneliness, I hope you love yourself dearly but if you don’t it does tend to make you feel lonelier, so if that’s one of the reasons here is my case as to why you should like yourself more : you said you come home and hang out with yourself and that makes you sad but I actually loved how you phrased it, you’re hanging out with you. Not only are you unique and special and interesting, but you do have the ability to be your own company (though I won’t suggest it’s easy to just suddenly feel content by yourself OR that this will erase the need for connection with others). But I do think that anyone who knows you is experiencing a great privilege and that you should feel that way about yourself, you are amazing, you can do amazing things. my scenario was when you’re with Friend A, you’re not lonely because Friend A is amazing and good company. When Friend A goes home she feels lonely too, but why? Wasn’t she amazing to be around? I think if you can put some weight on the pleasure of being yourself even if that’s like. Even if it’s just that when you’re alone you don’t have to worry about being judged, and you give yourself leniency or something, does that make sense?

My next point is that to cope with loneliness I started writing about wish fulfilment stuff, fics where someone appreciated me, loved me, saw my struggles, and I read those so much. When I first started writing, a thousand words probably took me a week, and I would just constantly reread the things I wrote because they always made me feel less alone, even the process of writing now years later makes me feel less alone. If I couldn’t write I’m sure I’d constantly feel alone because I don’t have many friends either and I don’t see them much!! I feel so out of the loop with everything that I realised I actually can’t deal with social media and the feelings they give me and I deleted them all over again a few weeks ago (besides of course this and one other evil app). It’s actually my big recommendation to everyone ever to get off of social media if you can but I totally understand that it’s not easy and can make it worse rather than better. My point here before is that having a hobby and something to work on and to be with yourself instead of by yourself is a great way to deal.

Other ways I coped with loneliness were jigsaw puzzles (so many), rewatching the same TV shows, movies, reading A LOT, daydreaming, learning how to make friendship bracelets, nature documentaries (especially good to see how huge the world is)

If being alone is upsetting you and you can’t cope, please don’t be afraid to reach out for help. You’re very important, and the way you feel is important to. You don’t have to suffer through any bad feelings even loneliness which may feel incurable alone. In the UK there are lots of free resources (many terrible) but ones I would actually recommend are the Samaritan email service and the SHOUT crisis text line for stress anxiety and depression. Both are busy services which can make the loneliness more exasperating but they can help when you’re feeling awful. I’m really sorry you’re feeling lonely right now because it’s an awful feeling that genuinely goes to the bone, and I hope you feel less alone soon!! I’m sorry if this has assumed anything wrong about you but just based off of how I experienced my worst loneliness and what I did to feel better I hope my advice can help you ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[lisbeth-kk]

May Prompts (14) Eavesdropping

The Luckiest Girl in the World (chapter 14)

Summary: When Rosie wakes, the pain tells her that this day will be horrible to endure. She's forgotten that she has a caregiver waiting for her downstairs to ease that pain.

Fourteen Years Old

Two months before my fifteenth birthday, I woke and just knew this would be a shitty day. My period had turned up during the night without any pre-warning. Like a tiger sneaking up on its prey. The pain was like sharp claws digging into my abdomen. I curled around myself before I realised that the evidence probably was visible on my pyjama bottoms and the sheets.

“Fuck!” I exclaimed and slammed the door on my way downstairs to wash myself in the bathroom and soak my clothes and sheets to avoid permanent stains.

My parents had learned to leave me alone on mornings like these, but I could always rely on breakfast being ready for me when I emerged from the bathroom. 

Dad probably had to eavesdrop to the sounds I made to time it correctly. Papa, on the other hand, seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to me and Dad and how long it took us to shower, walk from the tube station, do the grocery shopping, or returning from a visit at Nana’s.

If Dad was home, there would be grilled cheese sandwiches and tea. This Monday, Dad had an early shift, so it was Papa who treated me with French toast and my favourite smoothie. He’d also procured a glass of water and paracetamol.

“That bad?” Papa inquired and scanned my face.

It almost brought me to tears this care and thoughtfulness. His low and soft voice did the rest. I didn’t hesitate for a second when he opened his arms but went willingly and clung to him while he stroked my back. We stood in silence before I went to blow my nose.

“Thank you,” I murmured and seated myself at the table.

“Of course, Bee,” Papa said. “Do you need a note for gymnastics?”

“No, it’s fine. We’re going to the gym today. Lifting weights and such. We’re free to do whichever exercises we want, so I’ll just choose those that aren’t too straining and painful,” I told him with a grimace.

For a moment he looked kind of fragile and lost. He didn’t cope very well when one of his Watsons was in pain or ill.

“I’ll be fine, Papa,” I assured him after I’d eaten and swallowed the painkiller.

“I don’t like seeing you like this, my heart,” he whispered.

“I know, Papa. It’s a natural thing though, and I’m lucky to have you and Dad to care for me,” I retorted and gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

After I’d put on my yellow Converses, I reminded Papa that I wouldn’t be home until late.

“Babysitting at Pinkerton’s,” I elaborated when he looked puzzled.

“Is that a good idea today, Bee?” Papa asked, his voice concerned.

“Well, these babies have to be paid, you know,” I said and pointed at my shoes.

“Bee! I told you, there’s no rush to pay us back. In fact, let’s say they’re fully paid as of…”

“Sherlock Holmes! A Watson never cheats,” I tutted.

“Watson-Holmes,” he muttered under his breath.

“I heard that,” I laughed, gave him another hug before I ascended the stairs to the front door. The pain from an hour earlier was just a fading memory. For now.

Also available on AO3

@calaisreno @totallysilvergirl @keirgreeneyes @helloliriels @raina-at

More tags in the replies

[imagineanime2022]

Heroes W/ An S/O W/ A Talking Cat

Keigo Takami (Hawks) X Reader, Taishiro Toyomitsu (Fatgum) X Reader, Shota Aizawa (Eraserhead) X Reader, Yamada Hizashi (Present Mic) X Reader

Requested: Anon

Request: Hi 👋, I read your story about the Lov with s/o who has a talking cat while I was reading it. I was thinking how funny it would be if it was the pro heroes instead of the villain like Mr. Aizawa, or hawks, or any other pro hero with S/O’s talking cat I think that would be hilarious?😂 AND Hello I really love your work it’s amazing😁 I love your post about the LOV with a witch S/O who has a pet talking cat I wanted to ask if there was one for the pro heroes like Aizawa, Mirko, Fat gum or even Hawks I think that would’ve been hilarious to know what their reactions would be like to S/O’s talking cat?😂

Keigo Takami/ Hawks

🪶 Keigo found out because he was teasing him, you had warned him not to but he didn’t listen, lucky for you instead of lashing out. Your cat decided to tell him off themselves. 🪶 It only took a little while before they both started to tease each other, Keigo scaring your cat half to death and your cat taking every opportunity to jump on Keigo or swipe at his feet. 🪶 You could come home to a disaster zone if Keigo got home before you, which was not often but when it did happen you honestly dreaded it. 🪶 You literally could not trust them to do anything, they were proud creatures and often tried to show you how much better they were then the other and that lead to even more problems.

You had been in the shower, you had only left them for 15 minutes and as you walked out of the bathroom when you heard a crash, you ran into the living room with nothing but a towel wrapped around your body “woah hello there beautiful.” Keigo smirked as he looked away from (Y/C/N) across the room. “Gross, that is my parent.!” (Y/C/N) continued. “Well they’re my partner so cover your ears if you don’t wanna hear it!” Keigo ordered. “What the hell is going on?” You asked, arms crossed as you looked between the two of you. “Nothing that you need to worry your pretty little head about, I’m just proving that he couldn’t catch me if he tried.” Keigo smirked as he looked back at the cat. “He has caught you before… Many times.” You reminded him. “Told you!” (Y/C/N) cheered. “Ah yes but that is swiftly followed by my own attack.” Keigo said. “Almost as if I were expecting it.” “Can you both just behave yourself for 10 minutes while I get changed?” You asked. “Ask him, he’s the one that starts it.” (Y/C/N) turned his back to Keigo and you narrowed your eyes as you saw the feathers moving towards the unknowing feline. “Stop.” “Fine fine, I’ll just come with you.” He wriggled his eyebrows as you rolled your eyes, turning away from him. “You're gross.” (Y/C/N) muttered as he disappeared into the kitchen. You turned away to walk back into the bedroom and get changed as Keigo followed. “You can’t expect me to behave myself without a reward.” Keigo followed you into the room catching you before you would walk towards the draws that housed all of you pajamas. “Will you ever learn to behave yourself?” You asked. “You don’t want that.” He teased, pressing a kiss to your jaw slowly coaxing you into something other than getting dressed.

Taishiro Toyomitsu/ Fatgum

🍡 Fatgum didn’t realise that there was anything different about your cat in fact it probably could have stayed that way for a very long time. 🍡 They got along well whenever he was eating something he shared with you little companion and scolded you when you told the little one that they had enough. You at one point were sure that the little guy was putting on weight. 🍡 They loved cuddling up together and you would often find them in bed or on the sofa, he found out about him talking when he walked in on the two of you arguing about stealing your boyfriend. 🍡 From there he treated him more like a child then a pet, scolding him and playing with him and still feeding him more than he needed.

You sighed as you walked into the house, smiling as you heard Taishiro talking in the other room, you knew that he was talking to (Y/C/N), you walked into the room raising an eyebrow as you watched the two “if I give you an extra dinner you can’t tell mum, she’s going to kill me!” Taishiro muttered, hunched over the cat that was looking at him with pleading eyes. “I never tell her.” (Y/C/N) answered and you narrowed your eyes, they both got up, it took longer for your cat to notice you than your boyfriend (who stopped dead in his tracks) because of the sofa obscuring the little one’s vision. “Extra dinners?” You asked. “Really?” “He said he was starving.” Taishiro said. “He always says that he’s starving, I took him for a check up, he’s almost overweight!” You complained. “Alright… I’ll stop.” Taishiro said. “You promised me that before and look what happened…” You crossed your arms over your chest and turned away from them. (Y/C/N) was the first to come over rubbing against your ankle, you glanced down at him and he looked up at you. “I know that this diet is hard but once we get you back to a healthy weight, you can have your treats back as a reward.” You reached down, tickling his chin. “This is stupid.” (Y/C/N) grumbled and you nodded. “Uh huh, so no extra dinner for you and you.” You pointed at Taishiro across the room who was looking as guilty as ever. “No sweets for the rest of the night.” “Yes ma’am.” He nodded as he walked over, pressing a kiss to your cheek. “I’m leaving you alone for 20 minutes while I shower and get changed but if you do anything I’ll be able to smell the guilt on you.” You warned them. “Humans can’t smell guilt.” (Y/C/N) said. “Test me.” You goaded him before disappearing into the bedroom and further into the bathroom.

Shota Aizawa/ Eraserhead

🐛 You didn’t even tell this man that your cat could talk, he just started talking to them one day and of course your feline friend spoke back, he literally did not bat an eyelid. 🐛 Laziest creatures in your life, they will collectively convince you to do nothing… Unless it’s food time, if it’s food time then the cat is no ally to anyone. 🐛 Most would think that Aizawa was the one who owned the cat because it was constantly trailing after him and complimenting him on everything that he did with the odd sassy comment when they didn’t agree on something, honestly some would say that he stole your cat. 🐛 You're sure that they miss each other more than they ever miss you and sometimes you're dramatic about it but rest assured you are the most important person in either one of their lives.

You walked through the front door kicking off your shoes, you dropped your bag to the floor before walking into the living room “you took your time.” Aizawa said as he looked up at you from his reclined position on the sofa. “Hello to you too.” You smiled as you leaned down and pressed a kiss to his cheek, he smiled quickly catching your lips in a soft kiss. “Hey hey! What about me!?” You giggled at the voice before turning to the black cat it belonged to curled up on Aizawa’s chest cradling his face in your hands as you pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “Have you both been here the whole day?” You asked. “No.” Aizawa answered. “I had classes to teach today.” “So you’ve been like this since 3pm?” You asked. “I guess.” Aizawa answered. “Did you at least feed him?” You asked. “You know those biscuits are a complete diet right, there are some cats that would settle for just them.” Aizawa mumbled. “Yeah well I’m not one of them.” (Y/C/N) said as he stood his front legs stretched out in front of him as he stretched and you rolled your eyes walking into the kitchen and putting the meat down for him before walking back into the living room, Aizawa reached out a hand pulling you to lay with him when you were close enough. “Are you sure this is a good idea Shota?” You asked as you glance towards the entrance the loud feline would appear in when he was finished. “Mmm it’s fine.” He answered half heartedly as he continued to wrap you tighter in his arms, not 5 minutes later did you hear what you expected. “You two just cast me out after 5 minutes, you know I was coming back right?” He asked as hopped up on the sofa walking over your intertwined legs before finally settling on your back, you hummed as you shifted slightly to get more comfortable, you knew that you should all move, the bed was definitely more comfortable but staying here with the two most important beings in your life for some reason was more appealing so you didn’t move for now this would be fine.

Yamada Hizashi/ Present Mic

🎤 Again another who wasn’t affected by your cat talking, he however is not as happy about it as others. They literally argue all the time because let’s be honest Hizashi is like a big cat himself. 🎤 You were constantly breaking them up, they never tried to hurt each other but they would always complain about something that the other was doing. 🎤 You tried to split your time between them equally but they always had something to say about that too. 🎤 As they lived together more they learned to deal with each other better, they learned what set the other off and tried to avoid it when you were around.

Hizashi had been at work all day, you were in the kitchen cutting up meat, you put a small pile aside for (Y/C/N) as you started cooking up the meat for dinner, once it was all cooked you put his portion aside and continued cooking for you and Hizashi. “Smells good.” Hizashi said, his voice softer than most people get to hear it. “Thank you.” You smiled leaning back into him as he rested his forehead on your shoulder. “Long day? How are the kids?” “Fine, they’re fine.” He answered. “But…” You prompted him to continue as he lifted his head. “They didn’t come to UA to do english lessons, they get bored so easily, stop paying attention.” He explained and you chuckled. “You know, even for people who aren’t looking to become heroes, English lessons were boring, it’s just about making it interesting.” You said. “Don’t give him ideas he’s interesting enough.” Your bubble was shattered as the black cat jumped up on the counter top. “Do you mind? We are having a private conversation.” Hizashi scolded him. “Well then don’t have it in the middle of the kitchen.” (Y/C/N) muttered. “Would it have mattered if we were in the bedroom?” Hizashi asked. “I guess not.” He turned away and walked over to the plate where you had left the meat that you saved for him. “This for me?” “Yeah.” You answered, lifting the plate away from him “If I give you this will you leave us alone for a little while, you know it’s not your turn so don’t be a bother.” “Fine, fine.” He lifted his paw as if to pull your hand down to him. “Good.” You nodded, you put the plate back down before going back to your own dinner and finishing up what you needed to. “I’ve decided what movie to watch tonight.” He mumbled and you smiled. “Good, then let’s finish this food so we can watch a movie and you can relax yeah?” You suggested and you felt him nod rather then heard him but you both made small noises as (Y/C/N) made a noise of disgust in the back of his throat.

Request Here!!

[f4iry-bell]

for your event!! would you do a Jameson x reader where the reader is hopeful journalist and is scared that she’ll never be loved and it reflects in her work.

pairing: jameson hawthorne x reader

summary: well ↑

taglist: @clarissaweasley-10 @whatsamongus @sheisntyou @emelia07 @elysianwayy77 @cassie6392 (lmk if u want to be in this)

word count: 784

a/n: anon, hope you like this, anon. ily!

masterlist | 300 event masterlist

Being in the school newspaper doesn't automatically make one a good journalist, just a good writer for her age. I got a lot of compliments about my writings but I never felt truly appreciated for my writings. Because people read two sentences and then poof, they say you're amazing. What about the rest of my work? Do those two sentences judge my entire work? Everytime I read and reread my work I want to rip the printed paper to pieces. Especially since I joined college, I somehow managed to be in the college newspaper as well, probably because I was in my school newspaper.

I didn't get any recommendations or any of that sort, I managed to believe that I am where I am for my talent. In school, I doubted myself a lot, I thought my writing was bad because people didn't read them entirely, it took me time to realise that they are just lazy to read. 

Or they just don't want to read my work. They just don't care about what I have to say. Even my own friends.

Maybe that's the reason I haven't made it yet. Sure, I do talk to people but you can't label them friends. With all of this, I somehow managed to grab the attention of the smartest, most handsome, and charming boy in college ever; Jameson Hawthorne.

His first words to me were “nice work.” I wanted to scream, because with those two words he also added “pretty girl.” 

We started by talking a lot after that. I went to him when I wasn't sure of my writing. He is an honest critique and I was able to take criticism. But there was this nagging feeling that told me that he's just tolerating me and my work. Sometimes I wonder if he ever regrets talking to me first at all.

I was about to leave the newspaper room when Jameson walked in holding the newest paper of our college, and he looked pissed. 

“Can we talk?” He asked, trying to keep his cool which was obvious.

“Sure. What is it about?” I asked. That's it, he's mad about something that I did. He's gonna leave too.

“What is this?” He placed the paper on my table with my article on being the wallflower.

“My article.” 

“I can see that. Did you take inspiration from a character? Or did you write it just with your imagination? Tell me it's either of those.” Jameson’s tone was firm.

I just stayed quiet. I'm not telling him that I'm a loser, and people hate me for that directly.

“Seriously?! I know you're shy and reserved, and don't like people. I know your family’s history. But writing that you're never been truly loved by anyone? That no one cares about you, ever?” He scoffed.

There was a moment of silence before I spoke. “It's the truth, Jameson. I'm not going to lie.” I shrugged. 

He's going to leave anyway, so what's the point of trying?

“6 months.” Was all he said.

“What?”

“We've known eacother for 6 months. And I've been nothing but nice to you. Yes, I tease and mess with you sometimes but have I ever given you the idea where I don't care about you?” He looked hurt now.

“I- It's complicated.”

“It's not, damn it. How can you not see it!” 

“See what? Cause all I'm seeing right now is my friend who is pissed at me about work, who is going to drop me like everyone else.”

Jameson frowned which made me frown. “You really think that just because I'm mad I'll drop you?”

“It's how people are, Jameson.”

“I'm not people. Those people were stupid.”

“You say this now. But I'll do something else to make you mad, and then you'll drop me.”

“You're stupid sometimes for a person who is way too good with words.” 

“What?”

“Why can't you see how much I love you?” His features relaxed, it looked like he just spilled something that he was holding for a very long time.

“You what?”

“I'm in love with you. And you're too blind to see it, and now I'm afraid you won't even believe it.”

“Jameson— I don't know what to say.”

“Just say you like me, you don't even have to love me. Say you have feelings for me, and I promise you I'll do everything to make you believe how much you can be loved. Don't push me away, don't sabotage this.”

After a few moments of silence I nodded. Jameson's shoulders relaxed as he took a step forward to kiss my forehead. “I'll do everything, okay? And you know how ‘everything’ can be when I say it.” 

[justtwotired]

Part 1 - previous - next

Your POV:

It had been only one night since Lloyd had come over, and now I laid in bed, unable to catch sleep.

“I already told you, you look beautiful,” he had said to me, but the point is he hadn’t, had he? The only one who had told me that was Greenie, in the same kind of situation.

Maybe I was just overthinking things, or maybe I had been blind all along.

The same green eyes, the constant teasing and flirting, Lloyd could always hang out whenever Greenie was off work, Lloyd was always busy, could make sense if he had random missions pop up…

Which reminds me, it had been on multiple occasions that he got a random phone call and then had to leave in a hurry, he always had a weird explanation when I mentioned it later on.

They had the same kind of laugh, contagious and sweet. Sometimes Lloyd called me the same things Greenie always calls me, that could of course be a coincidence, just like all the others.

It just didn’t make sense to me, how could I have been so blind? Or am I just being delusional in thinking they might be the same person.

I could understand that he didn’t tell me, I’ve only known him for a few months, it’s not like I’ve told him about my illusions.

With a sigh I got out of bed and made my way to the window. It was a Thursday so greenie stood outside of my bedroom.

I turned to the window and wondered if he’d hear me sneak out… maybe?

I silently walked around, quickly putting on some sweatpants and a hoodie I stole from James. I listened at the door, I didn’t hear a thing, no breathing, nothing.

Was he even there? Or was he just being a ninja? I made my way towards my bed, wrote a note to Greenie that if he found the note, I was okay, I just snuck out and please to not tell my parents.

I silently made my way towards the window and opened it, slipping through and using the broom to close it as always.

I took a deep breath before bolting, hoping he hadn’t heard me and that I could safely make my way towards Luna’s house.

I dialed her number while sprinting across the lawn and the phone went over two times before she picked up.

“What’s up? Why are you calling at this time?” She questioned. “Are you running?” She asked.

“Hi, I just escaped my house, I wondered if you want to hang out, and yes I am running because I want to escape Greenie who might already be chasing me,” I said as I hopped the fence.

Luna laughed and I think I heard her getting out of bed. “I’m up for it, I’ll call the others alright?” She asked and I grinned. “Perfect.”

“Y/n!” I gulped as I heard his voice and looked behind me for a second, he was already chasing me, but at a safe distance so I still stood a chance.

“Oh, he does not sound happy,” Luna laughed, “let me know if you manage to escape, we’ll see you at the stairs in the alley by the video shop,” she said before hanging up.

I laughed and shoved my phone in my pocket, this was going to be fun.

Lloyd POV:

I heard her walking around in her room and I wondered what she was doing, probably couldn’t sleep. I contemplated on going in to see if she was alright, but decided on just staying outside.

After a while I didn’t hear anything, then a sudden bang, my eyes widened and I knocked on the door, calling her name.

She didn’t answer so I tried again. I gave her two seconds and then I entered the room. Panic fled trough me when I noticed she was not in the room.

I headed towards the window and saw her running across the lawn, making me curse, realising the bang was probably the window shutting.

I quickly opened it again and jumped out, running after her.

I called her name and she laughed, she seemed to be calling someone and hung up moments later.

“Y/n, stop!” I called but she looked back at me with a grin and took a sharp turn.

I supposed she was heading for the city, which was only a five minute walk, so it wouldn’t take long before she got there.

I noticed myself getting closer and had hope I’d catch up, even though we almost reached the city by now.

I reached my hand out to grab her arm but she took a sharp turn again and I missed, almost making me fall over.

The moment she reached the city she turned into an alleyway and when I also entered, she was gone. I heard her laughing in the distance and sighed, stopping to catch my breath.

This girl was going to be the death of me.

Your POV:

I texted Luna, telling her I escaped and I’d meet them in 5.

The moment I turned into the alley I had used a rain pipe to get onto the roof and I had quickly jumped into another alleyway trough that.

I had heard Greenie cursing and laughed at him.

I finally arrived at the stairs I’d promised to meet the others. I gave them a small bow as they applauded me with grins.

“You look like a tomato, how long did you run for?” Charlie asked amused. “About 8 minutes, give or take,” I said with a grin.

“Anyway, enough chit chat, let’s move before your ninja shows up,” Amelia took my hand and we ran out of the alley.

I laughed and slowed her down, letting the others catch up. “What are we even going to do?” I asked and Anthony bumbed into my shoulder as he walked next to me with his hands in his pockets.

“The gas station, obviously,” he said and I nodded with a grin. “Right, and who took a car?” I asked.

“We have the van and James has his motorcycle, so we’ll have to split up.” Arthur answered.

“Oh, I claim the spot on the motorcycle!” I immediately said, making James, who was walking in front of me with Luna, give me a grin while looking back.

“And I claim shotgun,” Luna quickly said, making her get into an argument with Charlie and Amelia.

I exchanged looks with Tony who just shook his head with a grin.

I got onto the motorcycle with James and we followed the others towards the gas station. We bought some drinks and snacks and hung out in the parking lot, Amelia and Luna already having made up and playing tag with Flora.

Suddenly my phone rang and I looked at the screen with a grin before taking the call.

“Where are you?” Greenie asked sternly and I bit my lip in amusement as the guys listened with interest.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” I said with a sly grin. “Have you told my dad yet?” I asked and it was silent on the other side for a moment.

“No…” he eventually admitted, making the others chuckle. By now the girls also joined, wondering what was going on.

“Who’s with you?” He asked, sounding rather irritated. “Just the others,” I told him. “We’re fine, just hanging out,” I tried assuring him.

“Yeah, no, that’s not good enough, where are you, I’m picking you up,” he said irritation lacing his voice. “Bye, greenie,” I said before hanging up.

“We’re leaving him wondering for about an hour,” I told them with an amused smile on my face. “Are you sure you shouldn’t tell him where we are? He’s probably worried,” Flora said and I shrugged.

“Greenie is going to be fine, he’s going to be mad for about three days, but it’s nothing I can’t fix with sweets,” I said making the others chuckle.

Fifteen minutes later I got another call, I expected it was greenie, but was surprised to see it was Lloyd.

“Hey,” I picked up with a smile. “Why are you up?” I asked and it was silent for a moment before he spoke. “Couldn’t sleep,” he said and I nodded, even though he couldn’t see.

“Awe, so you called me?” I asked with a grin and he chuckled a bit. “Of course I did,” he answered. “What are you up to?” He asked and I looked around at my friends.

“Oh, I’m just hanging out with my friends in the gas station parking lot,” I said, “do you want to come?” I asked excitedly.

“No, it’s fine, I just wanted to hear your voice for a moment,” he said and I bit back my smile.

Before I could answer my phone was ripped from my hand.

“Lloyd, is that you?” Amelia asked almost jumping up and down. “Uh, yes, who’s this?” I heard him ask confused.

“It’s Amelia,” she said. “The fact you don’t know that means you have to hang out with us some time,” she said making him chuckle.

“I’ll do that another time,” he promised.

“I’m hanging up now, I’ll tell N/n you love her, bye,” Millie hung up and looked at me with a smirk.

“You are so dead,” I said and she ran, making me chase her around the parking lot.

When I caught up I jumped onto her back and we went tumbling over the ground while laughing.

“Alright trouble makers, get up before someone gets hurt,” Charlie came walking over with a chuckle and helped us up.

We walked back and James threw me a monster can which I caught with a small laugh.

“Is that my hoodie?” He asked with a small frown. “Yes, I stole it last week, I’m surprised you haven’t noticed,” I said and he huffed a small laugh.

“Uh-oh,” we look at Luna who pursed her lips and pointed at something. We followed her finger and I cursed when I saw Greenie coming our way.

Anthony quickly stood in front of me, followed by Arthur.

“She isn’t here,” the latter said when Greenie arrived. “Funny,” he said unamused. “Y/n, I am taking you back home right now,” he said and I pushed passed the twins in front off me.

“Fine, fine,” I said with a grin and gave my can back to James. “I’ll see you all tomorrow,” I waved at my friends and Greenie took my by the arm and let me towards his motorcycle.

“Are you absolutely insane?” He asked me when we got there. “What? Nothing happened,” I said and he sighed in frustration.

“No, it didn’t, but something could have happened, what if someone had grabbed you or- or hurt you in any way?” He interrogated and I just shrugged. “I would never forgive myself if something happened to you and I was not there to protect you, alright,” he said and my words got caught in my throat.

“I am taking you home, I’m not going to tell your parents but if you ever pull anything like that I again just know I will,” he warned me before shoving his helmet in my hands and getting onto his bike, waiting for me to climb on aswel.

I leaned my head against his back as we drove home, almost drifting of, but still staying awake, watching lights and trees fly by.

We arrived back home and he walked me to my room without exchanging words. I entered my room and bid him goodnight, not receiving a word back.

When I woke up the next day he was already gone.

I walked up to my grinning friends standing at the lockers and I opened mine without saying much. “So, did you receive scoldings? Are you grounded?” Arthur asked with a smirk.

“Of course she’s grounded, that’s just a stupid question,” Luna bit towards him and then looked back at me expectantly.

“He, Uhm,” I looked down at the ground for a moment and then turned to my friends. “He didn’t tell my parents,” I finished and they seemed surprised.

“He… didn’t?”” Flora asked confused. “No, he didn’t, but he is furious with me, ignoring me and everything,” I said a bit disappointed.

“Oh, he’ll get over it, love, he cares about you, obviously he’ll be mad when you pull a stunt like that,” she waved it off and I shrugged.

“Yeah, you’re right, I won’t think about it much, besides, I’m meeting with Lloyd and his friends this afternoon so I can get my mind of him anyway,” I said.

“Oh, meeting the friends, though one,” Anthony teased and I stuck out my tongue at him, making him do the same.

“Why do I bother with you guys, again?” Charlie asked rather unamused. “Because you love us and we are amazing friends,” Amelia patted his shoulder.

“Right,” he said sarcastically. “Excuse me? What are you implying?” Luna glared at him and he held up his hands in surrender, a scared look on his face. “Nothing,” he quickly said.

I was in maths class, overthinking on how Greenie had found out I was at the gas station.

Then it suddenly hit me…

Lloyd. I had told him where I was and what I was up to, and if Lloyd was greenie, it made sense that he arrived 10 minutes later.

Why would Lloyd call me at such a time? Because he was worried so he used a different phone to contact me.

This made me realise that always when Lloyd texted me, Greenie was either free or not in the room, which meant there wasn’t really proof against the fact that Lloyd was the green ninja.

Alright, maybe there were a few things, but those could hold explanation, right?

I was still thinking about it when I exited the school and bid goodbye to my friends. Malcolm drove me to the park where I headed towards the food stall I’d promised to meet Lloyd and his friends.

Soon enough I saw them and Nya immediately ran up to me to hug me tightly.

“I haven’t seen you in so long!” She said excitedly and I laughed. “It has been a while indeed, we really need to grab coffee sometime,” I said and she nodded excitingly.

She grabbed my hand and dragged me towards the others.

“Alright, so that’s Zane, cool, smart guy, says weird stuff sometimes, just ignore it,” she started off, pointing at the guy with platinum blonde hair.

“That’s Cole, way to kind for this earth, obsessed with cake, might look intimidating but is a sweetheart,” she turnend to the guy who was rather buff looking but had kind brown eyes.

“That’s my brother Kai, you know him, he’s not important,” she skipped over the spiky haired man who let out an offended noice.

“That’s my boyfriend Jay, he’s a complete chatter box and makes terrible jokes but I still love him,” she pointed to the boy next to Lloyd and then dropped her arm. “That was about it,” she grinned proudly.

“Alright, I will try my best to remember the names,” I said with a smile and looked at Lloyd who gave me an amused look. “I probably won’t, but I’ll get there eventually,” I said making them all laugh.

“Alright, so our plan was to grab some coffee here,” Cole pointed behind him to the food stall. “And then we wanted to head to the arcade, are you up for that?” He asked and I nodded with a smile.

“I would actually really like that,” I told them and took my phone out of my pocket. “I do need to let Malcolm know though, he’s in the car,” I said and started typing on my phone.

“Mal who now?” Jay asked confused. I gave Lloyd a horrified glance, he hadn’t told them? How do I explain that?

“Her bodyguard, guys, how many times do I need to explain?” Lloyd said and I let out a small sigh of relief. “Oh right, you told us about that,” Zane said, it sounded rather weird how he said it, but I decided on just ignoring that.

We grabbed some coffee and walked towards the park exit. I held Lloyds hand in mine and chatted away with Kai, who I knew only a bit from self defence classes.

“Wait, the first and second years actually call you mister Kai?” I asked amused and he grinned proudly. “They do, it’s amazing,” he seemed rather happy with himself.

“Don’t let the girls in my class know, they’ll start calling you that too- I swear they’re like obsessed with you,” I warned and he gave me a smug grin.

“Oh I know that,” he said, making me chuckle. “No but seriously, they talk a lot- and I mean a LOT about you- I think I’ve heard one of them moan your name,” I remembered and he let out a shocked laugh while Cole and Jay burst out laughing.

“That’s disgusting,” Nya scrunched her nose up. “Oh, don’t get me started- you know that guy- what’s his name? Kyle Whatson or something, they actually like him,” I said and her mouth fell open.

“Him? The guy which that horrible green backpack?” She asked making me snort. “That’s the one,”

We kept up the conversation and I found myself feeling comfortable around them rather fast, it was so easy to talk to them.

I loved seeing how close they where to each other and how welcoming they where of me.

The arcade was amazing, I had a lot of competitions with Kai and I realised he wasn’t just some boring self defence teacher who found himself amazing.

Jay was actually quite funny, even though Nya warned me about his bad jokes, some I could actually laugh about.

Cole was a huge sweetheart, he loved hugs, and I’d received about 7 at only the arcade (he did almost break my ribs a few times though) and he followed me around like a puppy wanting to know everything about skateboarding.

Zane was laid back, he was kind and helpful, he wasn’t as loud as the others, and brought just the right amount of neutral into the group.

Nya was still her sweet, amazing, badass self and dragged me everywhere to get my opinion on things.

The only thing off was Lloyd keeping more distance than usual.

So at one point, when Kai and Jay where in an intense fighting game and the others where watching, I noticed Lloyd stepping out of the arcade to get some fresh air.

I followed him and stood next to him for a while in silence.

“What’s wrong?” I eventually asked and he looked at me with surprise. “Nothing,” he said and I huffed.

“You’re acting weird, just tell me,” I said and he sighed, looking up at the sky for a moment, before smiling at me.

“It’s nothing, princess, I promise,” he said and kissed my forehead before taking my hand and leading me inside again.

Weird…

When we got back we saw Kai hitting the game they were playing while Jay cheered.

“Damn, they should call you mister hothead at school, I think it fits better,” I said with a grin and Kai slightly narrowed his eyes.

“Oh come on, I am not that hotheaded!” He said angrily and I laughed. “Whatever you say, mister hothead,” I said and he let out a slight huff of laughter.

“You’re not one to talk, trouble,” he said and I gave him an offended look. “Did you just call me trouble?” I asked and he grinned at me.

“I don’t know, did I?” He asked and narrowed my eyes with a small huff.

The others chuckled at our antics before Nya dragged me off to play a game with her again, quickly followed by Cole who wanted to watch and continue our conversation about interesting rocks from earlier.

Lloyd POV:

I smiled as Nya dragged her off and Cole quickly followed like a puppy, excited to talk to her. I loved that she got along with my family like that, and that they actually really seemed to like her.

I remember Cole’s ex and how nobody really cared to talk to her or get to know her because they just didn’t like her, and to be honest I was scared it’d happen to n/n at first, but I was dead wrong.

“Hey, are you alright?” I looked up at Kai and nodded. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” I asked and he shook his head.

“You’ve been quite today, and it’s fine, but we’re having a fun day and meeting you’re girlfriend or whatever you want to call her, and you’re around moping and constantly keeping an eye on her,” he explained.

“Yeah, it’s almost as if you are still acting as her bodyguard and not the boy she’s dating,” Jay says and I just shrugged and looked at the ground.

“I think that Lloyd is worried because she ran away yesterday night,” Zane said matter of factly and Jay gave me a look.

“Come on Lloyd, it’s not like she’ll run away now, and you have to remember that she has another bodyguard on duty now and you don’t have to act like one for her,” he pushed my shoulder slightly with a grin.

“Jay’s right, this is a concern for the green ninja, not for Lloyd,” Kai said and I groaned. “Kai, I am the green ninja, I can’t just let it go!” I said and looked back at her as she laughed with Nya and Cole.

“I was so worried yesterday, I would never forgive myself if something happened to her,” I said and Zane put a hand on my shoulder.

“Nothing will happen to her, it will be fine, alright?” He said with a small smile and I nodded. “Yeah, alright.”

[browneyedgirly93]

When Spring Turns To Night

Summary: Az is on his regular rotation of the Spring Court when he stumbles upon a battered young female running through the forest only to learn that this female is his mate, but the bond only snaps for him.

Azriel x Reader

Warnings: Violence, blood, abuse.

Word Count: 2218

A/N: This is my first ever Azriel story so please let me know what you think! I promise I haven't forgotten about Like An Autumn Breeze, I will be updating that later this week I just had this idea stuck in my head and had to write it!

Master List

(Part One) (Part Two)

Part One

Azriel’s POV

I hated coming to Spring Court, it was always so empty especially after Feyre destroyed Tamlin’s court. I was sitting at the top of a tree with my shadow swirling around looking for anything to report back to Rhysand when one whispered that a female was running this way. I silently jumped down from the tree and let my shadows envelop me. I smelled the fear before she came barreling through the trees, tears pouring down her face. 

She bolted past me and her foot snagged on a root in the ground, as she fell she let out a shriek and I heard a crack as her nose hit the dirt. I started walking towards her holding my hands out of me so she could see I wasn’t going to harm her, she turns as I intentionally snap a twig under my boot. She looks up at me blood pouring down her face and that's when I felt the tug. I halted, I could see the thread connecting the two of us and I stared at her silently. My shadows swarmed around me chanting mate, mate, mate. She cowered in front of me as silent tears poured down her cheeks. 

'RHYSAND GET OVER HERE NOW!' I screamed into my mind and knew he was on his way.

“Are you alright?” I asked calmly lowering myself to the ground in front of her. She scrambles backwards shaking her head. 

Y/N’s POV

I was sitting on the forest floor, looking up at Azriel the Shadowsinger of the Night Court while blood poured down my face. I had just run away from my abusive father, only to run into the Spymaster who tortures people. I tried to crawl away from him but moving only caused pain to radiate through my ribs.

“Please no please” I sobbed loudly.

“It’s okay, I’m not going to hurt you” he says sitting down in front of me his hazel eyes watching me. “What happened to you?” he begins leaning forward reaching out for me.

Shaking my head excessively to the point of probably doing damage to my brain the only words I could get out were “No touch” as my sobs get louder and louder. Suddenly the forest becomes dark and I see another figure standing behind the Shadowsinger, my vision clears slightly and I realise it’s the High Lord of the Night Court. “No no no no!” I cried as my entire body started shaking violently.

The High Lord lowers himself to his knees and sits beside the Shadowsinger. His violet eyes settle on your face and in such a calm voice he says “We are not here to hurt you, we want to make sure you are okay. What happened?”

“My… my… my father” I choked out.

“Your father did this to you?” the Shadowsinger growls looking towards him I nod wiping at my nose. 

“What’s your name?” the High Lord asks pulling my attention back to him.

“Y/N” I sniffled as the exhaustion begins to set in and my eyelids become heavy, the High Lord and the Shadowsinger share a look. 

“Y/N, we can take you away from here and get you patched up.” I simply nod my head as my eyes fluttered shut and it took all of my effort to open them again. “I’m going to pick you up and winnow you to the Night Court alright, you are safe.” he says wrapping his arms gently behind my back and underneath my knees, as he stands and Night enveloped me and my eyes shut again and everything is black.

I awoke in a plush bed in a room I did not recognise, the room was filled with deep blues and purples and accented with dark woods. I sat up to look around but pain rippled through my body. I grunted wrapping my arms around my ribs and continued looking around the room when my eyes landed on a male sitting in a chair near my bed watching me. I couldn’t make out any features as if he was shadowed by darkness, but I could make out large wings.

“You’re awake!” his deep baritone voice filled the room I recognised that voice but couldn’t place it. “Y/N, I’m Azriel” he stated and that’s when memories of what happened flashed through my mind… My father, pain and blood, running through the forest, the taste of dirt and blood, the Shadowsinger and the High Lord of The Night Court then nothing but darkness.

“Where am I?” my voice was raw and it hurt to speak.

“The Night Court” he said leaning forward and placing his elbows on his thighs to watch me closely.

“Are you going to hurt me?” I couldn’t help but ask, I had heard all the awful things the Night Court did.

“No” he frowned “you are safe here” his voice was gentle and I believed him to be speaking the truth. I studied his face that was now lit up by the faelights he was very handsome his tanned skin and his hazel eyes, he looked as if he had been crafted by the gods I couldn’t take my eyes off him. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m really sore, my ribs ache and my head is pounding” I said thoughtfully and he nodded. “How long was I out?”

“Just over 14 hours, we’ve been monitoring you.” I gasped at how long I had been out, he continued saying “When you hit your head on the ground you gave yourself a concussion.”

“Oh, you saw that” embarrassment settled through my body causing my cheeks to turn pink, he nodded smirking at me. Just then a bowl of steaming soup appeared on the bedside table with a large glass of water, my eyes widened with shock and I looked at Azriel.

“The house is sentient, it knows you need to eat and this is its way of telling you to. It’s quite the mother-hen” he laughed and the sound was the most amazing thing I had ever heard in my entire 250 years of life, his eyes were sparkling with amusement. He leaned over passing me the glass of water, I downed the whole thing not realising how thirsty I had been wiping the stray droplets from my lips as I handed it back to him. He passed me the bowl of soup and I graciously took it feeling the heat radiating off of it I smiled, lifting the spoon to my mouth I began eating and couldn’t help the moan that escaped my life. “Enjoying the soup?” he mused and I nodded. 

“Thank you” I said aloud feeling the need to acknowledge the house's kindness and I saw Azriel smirk at me. I pushed the covers back and shimmied myself to the side of the bed, swinging my legs over I attempted to stand up and nearly fell to the ground but before I could Azriel caught my hips and held me steady.

“Easy there” he chuckled and I could feel his large hands on my hips, they were warm. I blushed.

“I need to stretch my legs” I said simply stepping away from him quickly and stretching my arms high above my head and sighing as I felt the tension leaving my body from laying down for so long.

“Would you like to take a walk around the house?” he asked, looking up nervously you shook your head.

“I would love to, but first I need to take a bath” you said shyly.

“Oh of course, just through there is a bathing chamber. I’ll come back in half an hour to give you a tour of the house” he smiled getting up and heading towards the door. “There are clothes in the cupboard for you.”

“Thank you, Azriel” I smiled at him and I could have sworn I saw his cheeks turn the lightest shade of pink but he turned too quickly and headed out the door. With that I was alone again, I slowly wandered around the room taking in my surroundings, and finally heading into the bathing chamber I was greeted by the largest bathtub I had ever seen. Moving towards it I turned the knobs and let the hot water fill the tub as steam enveloped the room. Looking down I realised I was not wearing my clothes from home but was wearing a pale white nightgown, I took that off and climbed into the hot water letting the heat warm my aching muscles. I dunked my head and began washing my hair, the soaps and tonics that were in the Night Court smelled very different from the ones in Spring. 

Once I was clean I emerged from the bathing chamber in a fluffy towel and padded my way to the cupboard opening it I found a ton of clothing, flipping through them I settled on a pair of black leggings, and a loose knitted cream sweater that had tiny red roses embroidered into it. I braided my wet hair and pulled on a pair of black leather boots I found in the cupboard when there was a knock at the door.

“Come in” I called out.

“Feeling better?” Azriel’s voice filled the room and I smiled.

“Much! I’m ready for that tour now” I said straightening up and looking at him, he has changed from his leathers into a pair of black pants and a black knit sweater, his hair was damp as if he had just taken a bath as well.

“Shall we?” he asked holding his arm out for me and I gladly accepted, he led me out into the hallway and through the house showing me all the different rooms. He finally led me onto a balcony and I gasped, I could see a shimmering city far down below. “This is Velaris, the city of Starlight.” 

“It’s beautiful” you whispered staring at the lights flickering. Standing in silence my eyes were glued to the lights in the city below. Azriel's eyes were glued to my face, watching as I saw his city for the first time.

“Y/N?” Azriel’s voice jolted me from watching the lights. 

“Hmm?” I mumbled in response.  

“Would you feel comfortable talking with Rhysand? He just wanted to see how you’re doing and ask you a few questions.” 

“Sure” you said with a smile. 

“I’m going to need to fly you there” Azriel said and I stared up at him with eyes wide.

“Fly?” I asked shocked.

“What did you think the wings were for?” he smirked and waited for my response.

“I hadn’t really thought of it, you won’t drop me will you” I asked sheepishly, twisting a strand of hair in between my fingers a nervous habit I’d had since childhood.

“Never” he proclaimed, nodding I took a step towards him. He gently wrapped his arms around me picking me up bridal style my arms automatically found themselves snaked around his neck. That was when I was hit with his scent, night-chilled mist and cedar as I buried my face into his chest. It was a scent I wouldn’t ever forget. His wings spread wide and he leapt off the balcony, I screamed and he chuckled. “You’re safe” he murmured against my ear and I couldn’t help but shiver.

Soaring through the sky was a magical feeling, I would have never imagined doing this in the Spring Court. We landed in front of the river, Azriel placed me down gently and I took a moment to steady myself while staring at the water I was mesmerised by this place it was so unlike where I had grown up. Something about the Night Court called to me as if I was finally home.

“This way” he said taking a step in the direction of a large house that was lit up. “This is where Rhysand and Feyre live, the High Lord and Lady of the Night Court” he explained as I looked up at the house with wonder. He opened the door allowing me to step through, looking around it was so warm and welcoming. Rhysand stepped into my view as he came around the corner followed closely by a beautiful female with golden brown hair and blue-grey eyes that I immediately recognised from her time spent in the Spring Court, she looked so much healthier now and I smiled at her.

“Y/N you are looking much better” he smiled and motioned to the female beside him. “This is my mate; Feyre.”

“Hello Y/N, I am so glad you are doing better!” she said walking up to me and embracing me in a hug.

“Th..thank you” I said awkwardly and she smiled warmly at me.

“Why don’t you come and meet everyone else, then we can head to Rhysand’s office and discuss what happened to you.” she took me by the hand leading me down the hallway, I looked to Azriel and he simply nodded. 

“Everyone this is Y/N!” she said as we entered a large sitting room, I quickly scanned the other people that were there when my eyes landed on a red-headed male I recognised.

“Y/N? What are you doing here” he said getting off the couch and walking towards me, his metal eye whirring as it studied me.

“Lucien?” I asked confused. 

Tag List

Theravenphoenix26, baebeepeach, esposadomd, Maddietheshoe, Mali22, Sydneyhasdepression33, judig92

To join the tag list comment on this post or comment on my master post!

[renzieluvsvt]

fall in you

pairing: bsf!joshua x reader

genre: angst, fluff

word count: 1K

summary: you have been falling for your childhood best friend!joshua. you are sure that your feelings wont be reciprocated so what turns will it take when you decide to completely avoid and forget him?

warnings: reader losing pet dog, kissing (is that even a warning? lol)

a/n: tysm anon for this request!! i enjoyed coming up with the plot for this;)) but so sorry as it took me so much time to post it.

anw, hope yall enjoy this one too!! will keep on posting as much as i can :))

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

"will you still not talk to me?", joshua asked you aka his best friend with whom he hadn't spoken to for several months because of some reason he wasn't aware of. the two of you had been friends since childhood, grew up knowing each other's secrets, grew up together even during the lowest points of lives but as of now, the both of you were standing in the living room of your dorm. you hadn't spoken to him for six months already. during the first month, he excused you by thinking that you were probably tired with the classes. during the second month, he was hurt that you didn't agree to meet him anywhere else whenever he tried to clear things out. it was the third month where you finally refused to even look at him in the uni. it hurt him to see you avoiding him.

whenever he tried approaching you, you always changed your path. it suprised him how his "best friend" started leaving him on delivered or sometimes on seen in the fourth month. his phone calls were totally ignored by you in the fifth month. and finally, in the sixth month you started treating him as a pure stranger.

he couldn't take this shit anymore. even if he spent hours in a day to reflect and look for some reasons that could have possibly got you upset— he still couldnt find one. that was when he eventually decided to go to your dorm and confront you. he had been refraining himself from visiting your dorm so that he wouldn't get in trouble for getting into a girl's dormitory but he was left with no choice afterall.

"can you fucking look at me atleast?", he said in anger as you tested his patience. you still continued folding your dried laundry. your actions hurt him. alot. being avoided by his bestfriend was already hurting him but the reason that hurt him the most was he couldn't have any sort of explanation about it.

"joshua, im asking you for the last time, can you please leave right now?", you spatted out with not much any emotions but one could surely hear the crack in your voice. you wanted to sink ten feet under the ground as you realised how your voice cracked. you wished that he didn't figure that out but you were wrong. he heard you and knew you were on the verge of breaking down. "please tell me y/n and i'll work on myself to not disappoint you anymore", he pulled you by your arms so that you could turn to his direction but you swatted away your arm from his grip. with anger.

as you finally faced him, he looked deeply into your eyes as if to find the answers you were hiding but all he could see was your tears welling up your eyes. he stared at you worriedly as a tear rolled down your face.

"why do you want me back in your life? just so you can hurt me again by telling me about your new flings?", you spoke out finally. yes, he heard that right. yes, he was understanding it right too. you saw him more than a friend. you wanted your relationship with him to be more than best friends. "yes! i go crazy everytime i hear you blabber about your crushes and dates", you said with tears in your eyes. you simply couldn't bottle it up today. "joshua, i fell for you even before i could know", you continued. "i dont know when it j-just happened. was it when you caressed my hair while appreciating me when i felt insecure about myself after i was cheated on by my boyfriend or was it when you didn't leave me alone when i was left heartbroken after i lost my dog? or was it when you spoke words you probably never meant with the eyes that seemed to be in love with me?", you managed to pour out your feelings in words finally.

"l-listen to m-me y/n....", joshua stuttered. he was speechless. not because of your sudden confession but because he finally knew that his feelings were reciprocated! "josh, im sorry but i cant stay friends with you. it hur-", before you could even complete your sentence he pulled you in for a kiss.

he cupped your cheeks and deepened the kiss with his eyes shut. you couldn't process what had just happened but when he bit your lower lip for a response, you gave in. it felt like heaven to kiss your best friend crush. he parted away from the kiss just to have you chase his lips. he chuckled. but soon he took a look at you as his big hands still kept your cheeks cupped.

"you have no idea how much i've loved you", you stare at him in disbelief. "y/n, i had already fallen for you since our middle school but never had the courage. i always ended up worrying about losing you if i ever got you as my lover. i was worried about not having you in my life if anything would go wrong", he continued. "you dont know how crazy you got me for yourself which had me to date a few times just to move on from you. but here you were, getting jealous of them", he said. "i wasn't jealous",you said as you hit him on his shoulders lightly in protest. the both of you laughed.

"y/n?", he called your name out with his sweet voice. "hmm", you responded while meeting his eyes. "will you be my girlfriend?", he asked you with your cheeks still cupped in his hands. as you heard those words, another tear rolled down your face but this time you had a smile on your face. "sure josh", you said with a smile and another tear rolling down your face in the same time. you were overjoyed.

he kissed you deeply to express the love that he had been hiding from you which had caused you so much pain. "i love you josh", you managed to say in between the kiss. "i love you more", he said while he pulled you closer to him by waist without breaking the kiss. the past six months were hard on you but all you could say was that it led to the best thing that could ever happen to you.

you felt lucky and so did joshua to have realise that you would always be by his side. forever. he promised to never let you go.

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

[charliethomascoxuniverse]

Charlie Cox: ‘I love being a superhero — I thought that ship had sailed’

Charlie Cox on the return of Daredevil, the joys of sea swimming in Dalkey and his rewarding character-driven work in RTÉ’s Kin

Kirsty Blake Knox   April 27, 2023 (X)

Charlie Cox is a busy man; he smiles widely from the back of a car as it ferries him from a physical therapy session to the set of Disney’s Daredevil.

“We’ve just kind of started, it’s really great. Pretty intense, hence the physical therapy,” he says.

Cox has returned to play Matt Murdock, the blind lawyer-slash-superhero.

The show started life on Netflix and ran for three seasons before it was cancelled in 2018.This resulted in an online #SaveDaredevil campaign which resulted in 400,000 signatures begging Marvel to bring him back.

It took a little time; a contractual clause prevented any characters from the Marvel-Netflix shows from appearing in any non-Netflix projects for two years after cancellation.

And now Cox is suiting up again in his Spandex costume, running around punching people in the face and fighting for justice. It’s a demanding shoot — the series is 18 episodes long. And he is a fan of doing as many of his stunts as possible.

“I kind of get involved as much as I’m allowed to and is appropriate. Obviously, the stunt team are professionals and there are things they can do that I can’t even get close to,” he says. “I feel like the name of the game is to get as involved as you can… it makes the scenes more realistic.”

Cox took on the role, which had once been played by Ben Affleck in 2015. At the time, landing the role came as a shock.

“I never thought of myself as being appropriate casting for an American superhero. That never really occurred to me,” he says. “And in my 20s, a lot of my friends, and a lot of British actors, had gone and done that already. So when I got to 30 I was pretty confident that ship had sailed. I was very fortunate to get a character that I’ve now been playing for almost 10 years. It’s unbelievable.”

Cox is a father to two young children (seven and three) but they are a little young to fully grasp the role their dad plays in the Marvel Universe.

“I’m not sure they quite understand… One of the books we read him (his three-year-old) is called Superbat. A bat who is a superhero. But that’s his only real understanding. And so he thinks that I’m Superbat,” he laughs.

Cox realised he wanted to be an actor while in school and studied at Bristol Old Vic drama school. His first big break came in 2007 when he starred in Stardust alongside Robert De Niro and Michele Pfeiffer.

He has performed on the West End and Donmar Warehouse, in dramas like Treason and took on the role of Owen Sleater in Martin Scorsese’s Boardwalk Empire. For Irish viewers, we can see Cox on our screens every Sunday night, as Michael Kinsella in gangland drama Kin.

It’s pretty unusual for Marvel Universe actors to appear in a homegrown Irish drama. But Cox’s wife is executive producing the series. When another project he was attached to fell through, he read the scripts and felt compelled to be part of it.

“I’ve been working probably 20-plus years, and there’s a handful of times where I’ve read a script and felt like I’m reading something written by a truly brilliant writer,” he says. “And that quality of scripts never ceased. Sometimes you can get a really good pilot episode. But then as you get deeper into the season, some of the writing starts to disintegrate a little bit, but with Peter (McKenna) that was never the case.”

Obviously, the scale of production is a lot smaller on Kin than other productions, but he says these productions can be just as, if not more, rewarding to work on.

“If you have a limited budget, the way you handle that is you write long character-driven scenes… So weirdly, the lower budget stuff often is more appealing. Because you get to really get deep into the character and the relationships and the dynamics… it’s sort of like theatre. So, from my point of view, sometimes that stuff is more appealing.”

He continues; “I’ve learned I’m not precious about my character’s involvement. I don’t care much if my character does cool stuff … what I care about is, ‘are they moving?’”

He says this is some of the appeal of playing Michael.

“This life that he’d come from…and now he’s trying to rekindle a relationship with his daughter. [The] vulnerability, and the desire, and the need to fundamentally change his nature. That was really exciting to me.”

Cox perfected his Irish accent by listening to the voice of former Dublin goalkeeper, Shane Supple. He got up to speed with Ireland’s gangland scene by listening to podcasts featuring award winning crime journalist Nicola Tallant.

“I was kind of blissfully ignorant of the whole thing,” he says. “When I actually read the first two scripts, I just thought it was all fiction and then I agreed to do the part and I started doing my research. I was like, ‘oh, shit, this stuff is happening. It’s current and it’s happening right now.’”

Despite the violent nature of the series, he found filming and living in Ireland to be idyllic.

He and his family were based in the seaside village of Dalkey — where Matt Damon was holed up during lockdown. Cox became a sea swimming fanatic while residing there.

“I absolutely loved being there… I had conversations with my wife about moving to Dublin because I loved it so much. It’s not really viable with my job… Season one, we’re in lockdown. We lived in Hanover Quay, which was delightful…

“Season two, we moved to Dalkey. I felt like it was one of the best kept secrets in Europe… I was swimming in Vico every day… I found it to be like a haven. And I would love an opportunity to go back at any stage.”

Cox is extremely polite and amenable. And modest — despite his success, Cox says he still suffers professional insecurities.

“I never think I’m going to be hired,” he laughs. “I read years ago that Christopher Walken always thinks his job he’s doing is going to be the last time he is hired. I don’t quite have that, but I certainly identify with it. I’ve never felt like ‘Oh, I’m always going to be hired.’”

He says this comes with some advantages, as it makes him more present.

“I’m filming in New York and I’m lucky enough that I’m still able to play a kind of a lead in a TV show,” he says. “You know, the time is ticking on that in a big way. And so I certainly don’t want to wish that away.

“It would be easy to kind of bemoan the amount of hours you have to work, and missing the family, but there’ll come a time where I would kill to be able to be the lead in the TV show. I think the trick is to really enjoy it while it lasts.”

As he makes his way out of his car and towards his makeup chair, I ask if he has any projects outside of Daredevil coming down the tracks.

“I’m going to be doing this until the end of the year. And then I’ll be back on the panic station wondering if I am ever going to work again,” he laughs.

~*~

[spandexinspace]

Lyle finds Querl in the bedroom, drenched in golden morning sunlight and standing a little too close to the full body mirror. From what he can see he seems to be studying his own face, a task that the deep scowl it’s set in must make a lot harder.

"You good?" Lyle asks. The way Querl twitches but does not quite startle tells him he’s at least not too deep in thought. Or bewitched by some kind of mirror demon. It has been that kind of month, after all.

"Since when do I have freckles," Querl says in place of actually replying. He sounds annoyed, like he can't believe his skin would dare do this without his permission.

"I don't know. Don't you usually?" Peering over his shoulder Lyle tries to see what has offended him so greatly, but what he can see of Querl’s face in the mirror is about as unblemished as usually, an even tone of soft lime green.

"No."

“I’m not seeing anything.” Lyle closes the distance between them, loosely wrapping his arms around Querl’s waist and resting his head on his shoulder. Querl leans into his touch, the annoyance on his face softening slightly. Up close Lyle can see a faint trail of freckles over the bridge of his nose, a barely perceptible darker shade of green against his skin. But seeing them is a bit like trying to stargaze in the middle of Metropolis.

"Oh, those freckles. They’re pretty cute. But you are pretty cute in general, so that’s kind of a given." Querl snorts and grabs one of Lyle's hands, squeezing it gently. The way he blushes almost hides the freckles entirely.

"That doesn't change the fact that they're new."

"See, I have this theory about that. There's this thing called the sun — you might have heard about it before — and I’ve heard it shoots all this scary radiation at people who are exposed to it for more than four seconds at a time. For example, people who actually go outside."

"Unbelievable."

"I know, I can hardly believe it myself. So anyway, this radiation is really scary and your ski- don't roll your eyes — your skin wants to protect itself from it, so I think it tries to create a pigment that'll reflect the radiation away from your cells."

"Thank you, Lyle, I don't know what I'd do without you."

"Glad to be of service." He doesn't want to pull away, and Querl seems content standing there, studying them both in the mirror now. There’s a sense of contentment in the warmth of their entwined bodies.

"I don't think I'd realised how much I'd changed until recently," Querl eventually says, a small wrinkle settling between his brows.

"Compared to what?"

"A few years ago. Before the Legion." Lyle tries to nod, to no real use. He can imagine that'd sneak up on Querl, whose total awareness of his body often seems to amount to an annual semi-drastic haircut.

"Yeah, that's a bit of a change. I used to be taller than you back then, for one." To be fair to Querl, Lyle isn't sure when that particular change occurred either. He'd just woken up one day and been the shortest guy around again, and then he’d moved on with his life.

"I can't say I took particular note of that, but it would be logical, considering my increased height is one of many changes I have noted. Alongside, well…" As Querl trails off his gaze returns to his reflection in the mirror, like he’ll find the right words to say there. There are many differences of course, some that are probably too subtle for even Lyle to notice, but some things are obvious. He used to be so sharp, all points and protruding bones, like a baby bird that hasn't started sprouting feathers yet. Now there's a lean strength there and even a little bit of softness in places, by no means a massive difference in appearance, but the kind of difference that sees him rarely struggling to carry equipment by himself, or getting winded after two or so flights of stairs. 

And then there are parts that are visibly different. Like his arms. Or the way his complexion has taken on a more lively, verdant note and half the time he doesn’t even have dark circles under his eyes anymore. He looks good, not just to Lyle’s perhaps slightly rose-tinted eyes, but in a much more general sense. "I look much healthier. I feel healthier," Querl eventually notes, clearly taking a similar train of thought. 

"The things you can achieve when someone periodically tells you to eat, sleep and at least pretend to go outside, huh?" Querl grimaces, squirming in Lyle's arms, a token effort judging by the hand still firmly in place over Lyle's. "No need to be thankful." Querl sighs, but does look genuinely unsure for a second. 

"I am thankful for what you do… I just… I wish I didn't struggle this much in the first place."

"You're good. Nass happens and I don't mind."

"It's simple to say that." 

"Except I really don't! It's nice to be able to care for someone you love, even if it's just making sure they take care of themselves."

"That makes no sense."

"It does though. People feel like they've accomplished something good when they take care of others, thus: endorphins." Lyle angles his head upwards and presses a quick kiss to Querl's jaw. "Also, much more fun to bang someone who has the energy to bang back."

"Grief, Norg," Querl whines. His complaining would be easier to take seriously if he didn’t smile in that croaked way he does when he’s trying and failing to not find something funny.

"Apologies, my liege, I will refrain from making any reference to our nightly activities. And our daily activities. And-" Querl groans loudly and Lyle can't help but laugh. "But seriously, you're good. Both about the being reminded to do stuff thing and the freckles." 

"Thank you." He gives Lyle's hand another squeeze. "I'm not sure about the freckles though. Maybe I should just never go outside again." 

"Brilliant solution, but wouldn't it be a lot more convenient to experiment on yourself until you figure out how to get rid of them for good?" 

"You would do that, wouldn't you?" Querl rolls his eyes again, but presses his back into Lyle’s body in a way that in no shape or form feels like a complaint.

"What can I say, I work with permanent solutions," Lyle says, his voice just a little less steady than he’d want it to be. The sense of warmth he’s feeling suddenly feels like it both has very little and everything to do with his partner’s body heat, and he can’t keep his mind from drifting back to those freckles. He lets out a shaky breath. “Or,” he murmurs, raising his lips to Querl’s ear. “We could just see how far down they go instead.”

[lucy90712]

Hi. could you write something about being friends with Pedri, he's in love with the reader. Everyone see the way he looks at her, but she doesn't. One day they're going to the party and there's no seats left so Pedri let her sit on his lap and then finally confess his feelings

A/n: my requests are open so feel free to send me more requests 

wc: 2100

Hanging out with my friends is usually my favourite thing to do but recently it's become harder and harder and it's my own fault. It's completely my fault that I had to go and develop feelings for my best friend which makes just seeing him upsetting as I know there is no way he would feel the same way I do. My stupid crush is going to make today incredibly difficult as he has the day off training and so we are going to spend the day together along with our other friends and then tonight we are all going to a party. 

My alarm went off telling me I needed to get up to go to breakfast with everyone but I was already awake as I've been sitting thinking about how awful it's going to be spending the entire day with Pedri and having to act like we are just friends. I turned the alarm off and got out of bed to shower and then got ready, I thought about wearing something really nice but there is no point as it's not going to make Pedri see me any differently plus we are going to a party where I'll have to dress up later. I could make an effort and see if I meet anyone else but I don't want that I only want Pedri even though it's never going to happen. 

I spent so much time thinking about Pedri that I didn't notice the time until my doorbell was ringing so I had to quickly grab my things and answer it. When I opened the door I was met with a smiling Pedri, his smile is so infectious that I couldn't help but smile back at him even though I wasn't really that happy. I grabbed my keys and and locked my door before we got in his car to head to breakfast where we were meeting some more friends. I was going to drive there myself or walk as the place we are going to isn't too far from my place but Pedri insisted that he come and pick me up so we could spend more time together as it's been a little while since we have seen each other even though on my part that was fully intentional. 

In the car I forgot all about not wanting to see Pedri as we got to talking because like always we just started talking about nothing and I realised why I never say anything about my feelings and that's because I don't want to lose this. When we arrived at the cafe we were both laughing our heads off at some joke that Pedri made a good 5 minute before but we had just kept laughing like we always do. All of our friends looked at us for a second as we arrived before going back to their conversations as they are used to the two of us being like this. We both calmed down and then took our seats which weren't next to each other but it was probably for the best. I was sat next to Gavi who I've been super close to after Pedri introduced us and he's the only one that knows about my feelings for Pedri as he heard me talking to myself about it one time. Since Gavi found out he is always telling me to tell Pedri how I feel but I refuse to do it no matter his many times he tells me to. 

"Are you going to tell him anytime soon?" Gavi asked when Pedri went to the bathroom 

"You know the answer to that is no" I replied 

"Come on y/n I see how you look at him it's only going to hurt more the longer you leave it" he said 

"Well what if I never plan to tell him" I said 

"You have to you are going to ruin your friendship hiding your feelings plus if not he will find someone else and I already know that will hurt you" he explained 

"I know but I really don't want to ruin our friendship as I can't live without him but I can deal with hiding my feelings" I admitted 

"Believe me it won't ruin your friendship" he said 

He looked like he wanted to say more but Pedri came back so he didn't say anymore but I saw the look he gave me which screamed just tell him. I know where he's coming from but it's harder than it seems especially when Pedri and I have been friends for so long it's hard to take the leap and admit that I have feelings. I also understand that if I don't do anything he will get a girlfriend at some point which will crush me as he went on one date a few months ago and I couldn't bare to look at him for a week. All of the pros and cons swim around my brain constantly but I can never make any decision on what to do as whenever I decide I'm going to tell him I think of some cons that make me back out. 

After we all finished breakfast we all went out and played mini golf which was fun and then we went to the beach for a while before all going back to our own places so the ones that were going could get ready to go to the party. The party was being hosted by one of Gavi and Pedri's friends and so they invited me to come with them which of course I said yes to even though I regret it a little bit right now. Even though I didn't really want to go I still put on a nice dress and did my hair and makeup because even if I have a bad time at a least I'll look good doing it. Just like earlier Pedri was picking me up so we could go together which meant I didn't need to leave as early so I found myself spending quite a while sitting with my thoughts mostly about what Gavi said earlier until Pedri arrived and I came back to reality. 

Pedri's POV 

Standing outside her door I was so nervous because I made the stupid decision to promise Gavi that tonight would be the night I finally tell her how I feel which I'm now really regretting it as I know he won't let me back out. My train of thought was interrupted when the door opened and I had to do my best not to let my jaw drop to the floor as y/n stood there looking absolutely incredible. It took me a few seconds to compose myself before I could speak and tell her she looked pretty which she thanked me for and we got in my car. Not much was said while we were in the car instead we just listened to music from her playlist and occasionally I asked her to adjust the volume or skip a song but that was it. 

When we arrived we both spoke to a few people quickly before Gavi grabbed my arm and dragged me away from her while some other guy was stood there flirting with her which made me mad even though she's not mine. 

"You are going to tell her tonight like you promised right?" He questioned me 

"Yes I will but when it goes wrong I am fully blaming you" I said 

"It won't go wrong plus I saw how mad you looked when that guy was flirting with her so I suggest you tell her before she goes home with him instead" he said 

Before I could argue he walked away and went to sit down so I went back to y/n to bring her to our table but mostly to get her away from that guy who most definitely isn't good enough for her. Once we reached the table Gavi was smirking at me which confused me for a few seconds until I noticed there was only one chair left which I knew he had set up straight away. I'll give it to him that boy is smart as I wasn't going to let her stand and I knew she wouldn't take the seat as she's too sweet. That left the one option Gavi was hoping I'd go with and he was right because even though I could feel my cheeks getting hotter by the second I still sat down. 

"If you are ok with it you can sit on my lap" I said to her 

"Are you sure its ok?" She asked 

"Of course" I replied 

She sat down right on the edge of my knee to start with until I made the decision to pull her closer as I knew the way she was sat was uncomfortable but she wasn't going to move unless I did something as she didn't want to make me uncomfortable. I made it so that she was sat properly on my legs and allowed her to lean her shoulder against my chest as she was sat sideways. To start with it was awkward but we both quickly settled in and I felt her body relax which made me happy as it meant she felt comfortable with me. After sitting in silence for a while we started up a conversation and went back to our normal selves just talking about anything and everything. We talked for so long that I didn't notice that everyone else had left the table leaving the two of us alone but when I did notice I knew it was my chance to either tell her or accept that I'll never have the courage. 

Just as I was about to do it she turned towards me and I looked straight into her eyes which threw me off straight away as I have never looked into her eyes like this before. My cheeks started heating up straight away and I wanted to look away but I could see that her cheeks were doing the same plus her eyes were so beautiful I didn't want to stop admiring them. We were so in our own world that anything could have happened around us and we wouldn't of noticed. Having that moment gave me a bit more confidence with telling her how I feel because I'd like to think that you don't look at someone like that if you don't have some feelings towards them. Once we stopped looking into each other's eyes I took a few seconds to think of what to say before I decided to just go for it. 

"Y/n I have something I should tell you" I said 

"What is it?" She asked looking incredibly nervous 

"I'm sorry if this ruins everything but I love you as more than a friend" I admitted 

"Well I love you as more than a friend too" she whispered 

"Oh thank goodness I was worried about ruining our friendship" I said relieved that she felt the same way 

"What do we do now?" She asked 

"Well would you like to be my girlfriend?" I asked 

"Of course I would" she replied 

After making her mine I got a boost of confidence so I put a hand on her cheek and gently pulled her face towards mine and pressed my lips against hers. The second my lips touched hers I felt warmth flow through me as all of our hidden feelings came through the kiss. I never wanted to pull away but I knew we both needed to breathe so I did and instead I just pulled her close to my chest instead. Of course Gavi had to come over and tell us that he was right about us liking each other and how one of us should've made a move earlier. He also then made fun of us when I kissed her cheek which I saw coming but I don't really care. 

We stayed at the party for a bit longer before deciding to leave and I asked if she wanted to stay over at mine as now that she's mine I don't really want to let her go. She agreed to stay so when we got back I gave her one of my hoodies to sleep in and we got into bed and I got to cuddle with her as she fell asleep which was the most amazing feeling. Looking at her sleeping in my chest made me glad that Gavi forced me to tell her as it worked out pretty well in the end. 

[glazedsnail]

Fanfic bells are ringing

The usual o>

Misery Loved Company

ShanexOCFarmer (♀️) 18+ / swear words/substance misuse/explicit/suicide ideation/mention of abuse/Blood/injury

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

Lemme remind y'all this started as a fluff piece of a few paragraph. I have no self control.

I think this part's a tad long I didn't know where to cut it, and there's like 3 lines for Shane in all of it soooo... Anyway.

(Ya know it's funny cause I barely ever swear IRL and those two swears like sailors, I mean I know Fern does, but I'm pretty certain Shane's the type to swear All The Frigging Time)

That's my current (and only) farmer Poppy in bed with her husband and their cat Cauliflower. I've not played the game since I started writing this fic BECAUSE THE SAD CHICKEN MAN IS RULING MY LIFE.

But it's fine I'm an out of work drop out, I'm government property and I chose to write, so we're all good.

Anyway. Enjoy!

The sun stings me in the eye. I wake up on the dirty floor. It takes me a while to realise that the weight on my body is from my chickens, who clearly find my lifeless body comfortable to perch on. I shoo them off and try to sit up. My head is turning the chicken coop upside down, I feel I’m going to be sick. I’m freezing, and dirty. My whole body aches. Dry mud, dirt, hay, bird poop, all over my face. I wipe as much as I can with the water left from the trough. I wish I was in one of those stories where I’d wake up hungover and not remember anything. But I remember everything. Ugh. I stand up, Shane’s hoodie falls from my shoulders. I shudder, but pick it up nonetheless and head out. The sun is quite high and bright. I slept through all of my morning chores. The sheep are loudly braying for their breakfast. I should probably do that first. The ending summer wind sends chills on my bare shoulders. I have no other option but to wear his stupid Joja hoodie. I lazily and quite mechanically take care of my farm, as far as my strength lets me. All along my brain is simply preoccupied by what happened the day before. Simultaneously wanting to forget, and wanting to understand, confused and… oddly delighted by the eventful evening. Lying to myself wouldn’t help anything. I had a great evening. I said so many stupid things. It’s no wonder he took off after having…what he wanted? I have a hard time depicting Shane that way. But at the same time, the facts are what they are. I can’t say I blame him, he saw his opportunity and took it, given how freely I just handed it to him anyway. Cause I’m just a stupid, stupid, stupid whore!!

I take a deep breath. What was my therapist constantly saying? What would a healthy adult say in these times. A healthy adult would say that I’m a stupid whore. No point sugar coating it. Mh. The village suicidal whore. I’m upstaging Shane in so many ways. Another deep breath. Retrace my steps, our steps. I said “Hi, I’m Fern”, he said “I don’t know you, why are you talking to me”. From then I just stopped talking to him. Before I tried again, and I said “Rough day at the farm, wanna share a beer?” And he said “Fuck off.”. So far, perfectly healthy. Perfectly healthy. I didn’t want anything with him at the time, per se. Marnie did warn me he’d eventually warm up to me, I think. Even then, after that horrible brush off at the saloon I completely gave up. Who wouldn’t? Why would I put any kind of effort when I’d just move in, and others were much friendlier to me. It can’t just be that damages attract damages, this is ridiculous. We don’t have super sense alerting us of other people's misadventures. If we did, we’d be much nicer, I believe. What was so enticing back then. Why did a simple glimpse of his kindness make me lose all common sense and make me seek approval from someone like him? He did warm up to me, and I got to see his smile, sometimes I’d be the one making him smile. 

I loved making him smile. And laugh. What happened. What happened that all of a sudden he had to disappear like that. I’m not a fool, I know exactly what it is. He didn’t want any of that teenage lovey dovey thing we had going on before last night. Why would he, a grown ass man, want to wait more than one date to get to the goods. I’m a grown ass woman, I’ve seen them all. I still gave it to him on a silver platter. I wanted him though. I did. I do. And why would he want me anyway? 

I shrug. Can’t be that he’s just a man, that’d be too easy. I really fell for him, didn’t I? Like the big ass loser I am. Big breath. Talking about myself like that won’t help. What would a healthy adult say I don’t know Shannon I don’t know! If I knew I wouldn’t be in your office now would I! Ok, I’m attacking my therapist now. Everything’s fine. Take a deep breath. 

A long bleat reaches my ear. I jump.

One of my sheep is nibbling on my ear, trying to get my attention. My laps are dripping with milk. I’ve been trying to feed my lamb but I obviously let the lamb go. I didn’t even realise that damn lamb was gone. Deep in my thoughts, raging at myself and myself alone. I thought chores were supposed to keep the bad thoughts at bay.

I finally walk back to the house. The blanket and Shane’s backpack are not there anymore, and my basket has neatly been put away under the porch. I scoff. All I want is a shower and my bed. 

It seems someone’s been knocking at my door for the last ten minutes. While I applaud their insistence, my killing headache and EXHAUSTED soul just want to go on a rampage. They won’t leave. 

I get out of my warm, albeit lonely, bed and stagger towards the door, holding my head. I barely open the door than Marnie waltzes in.

‘Oh Fern, thank Yoba you’re there. I was almost going to call Clint to break the door down. We need to talk. Come on sit down I’m going to make us some tea. I’m relieved to find you there in one piece. Go on have a sit.’

She runs all over my kitchen, filling the kettle, placing it on the hob. She even grabs two mugs she throws on the table. I sneakily grab the one that is mine to put in front of me. They’re both mine, but this one in particular is mine. She dumps some of my loose leaf tea in a pot and drops boiling water on top of it. All I can think is how stupidly bitter this drink is going to be. She talks fast, moves fast. I can barely keep up, my head turns on itself trying to follow her movement around my kitchen. 

And she finally sits down. ‘I spoke with Shane’ She starts. Figures. ‘When you two started to get closer I was pretty excited.’ She strains the leaves above our mugs. I thank her and wrap my fingers around the warmth. She continues. 

‘I was hopeful you’d help him get straight.’ She takes a sip. ‘Oh this is ghastly. Do you have anything else?’ I painfully stand up, head pounding. I’m so tired. I look into the fridge and grab the bottle Emily gave me last night, for my date with Shane. I want to slap myself so badly.

I decide against it and bring the bottle along with two glasses.

‘Oh, strawberry juice! That’ll do. Thank you. Anyway. Shane’s been helping much more around the ranch, been around for Jas more too. And I think I’ve got you to thank.’

I shake my head and stop pouring the juice, furrowing my eyebrows. ‘Marnie no, you’ve got it all wrong.’

‘I know, I know. Nevertheless! Oh that’s good juice. Like I was saying, I wasn’t at all against the idea of you two. But, things have been raised and I don’t think it’s a good idea anymore.’

‘Pardon?’

‘You, and Shane.’

I want to correct her but she continues.

‘I know you’ve got a good heart, Fern. We all do. But he’s been working so hard on himself, what with the therapy and all. So, until you’re more stable’

‘Pardon?!’ I repeat.

‘Oh Fern please don’t take it too hard. I just want Shane to be able to reach his full potential, and he can’t do it with’

‘With what?’

‘People like you pulling him down.’

I’m not sure I heard her right. I’m going to be sick.

‘People like me?’

‘I do hope you’ll find the proper people to help you’

‘The proper people? To help me?!’ 

‘You know, with your’ she lowers her voice ‘ suicidal shenanigans.’

She could have been throwing her hands at my throat the result would have been the same. I feel like I can hardly breathe. White noise takes over my ears. I try to cover my face in my hand to recover from the blurriness but I meet a bump on my forehead. 

‘Who told you that?’ I stupidly ask, knowing fully well Shane’s the only one who’s been told. I feel sick. Was it the first thing he told his aunt after creeping back in the early morning? I feel incredibly stupid, used, again.

‘Fern, it does not matter. I know you care for him. But you’re an influence he can do without.’

I take her words without flinching. Or so I hope I looked that way.

‘Shane is a grown man, Marnie. I think he can make his own decisions.’

‘I know Fern but’

‘Besides, he already made his choice. So you can keep your knickers untwisted.’ 

She stands up, not having any of it.

‘Is that why you’re wearing his clothes?’

I look down. Damn. Credibility is gone. I slept with his hoodie back on like an idiotic enamoured teenager. I hate myself. I remove it and put it on the table, grabbing my full glass and Marnie’s empty one. ‘He’s expecting it back’ I say coldly ‘Just take it and go’

‘Fern, you have to understand.’ 

‘Just go, Marnie. Please.’

‘I know it hurts’

‘I said GO!’ I scream, smashing the glasses against the mug filled with still boiling water.

She doesn’t move. She’s seen them all. The mother hen. As she walks to the door she says in a soft motherly voice.

‘In the long run, you’ll see that it’s better. For both of you.’

She disappears behind the door. I’m about to collapse but I can only scream at the boiling water covering my hand and arm. I run to the sink and try to get the juice but it just keeps pouring. Each rub against my skin is excruciatingly painful. I realise it’s not juice.

‘Crap crap crap crap’ I lift my arm up, trying to stop the bleeding.

My tears blur the little vision I have left. I can’t find my first aid kit. No gauze, no disinfectant. What type of farm is this! I put blood everywhere trying to find help, my kitchen looks like a crime scene. I attempt the cold water again but in vain, the blood just keeps gushing out. I feel faint. I grab a kitchen towel and wrap it around the gashes on my arm and hand. I try to squeeze as much as I can, thinking I can use it as a tourniquet.

I am not a sensible, nor clever woman.

No, I need help. I need to go to the hospital. I manage to turn the door, spreading blood all over the knob. Carrying my injured arm I take a deep breath and head out. Fainting on the way would be so embarrassing. Please, I swear to Yoba, let me at least reach the clinic.

I stumble on a fence. Shit, no food, no sleep, and blood loss really take it out of you. I try with all my remaining strength not to collapse. I do not want to collapse. Do not want to be found. Do not want to be saved. Please, please, please.

‘Miss Fern!’

Fuck.

I turn around with a smile. Penny is walking with Vincent and Jas.

‘Fern, hello. I was showing them mom’s bus and…Oh dear Lord Fern are you ok? You’re pale as a ghost!’ 

‘Hi Penny, kids, hi. Penny, please take the kids away.’

‘What’s happening Miss Penny?’

‘Vincent quick go get some help.’

He doesn’t even wait for me to protest that he’s gone like a bullet. Penny attempts to carry me up from the fence. ‘I’m going to Harvey’s’ I manage to say through my teeth. Sweat is dripping on my forehead.

‘Miss Fern? Miss Penny?’

Jas is looking at us one after the other, her eyes slowly swelling up with tears. She’s panicking.

‘Jas, I’m fine, look at me. I’m fine, look.’ I smile, but she’s not believing me one bit. Penny’s helping me as much as her delicate frame can. I feel myself slowly slip. Jas is now properly crying.

‘I’m sorry’ I say, not particularly knowing why.

Why did I decide to survive all of a sudden.

Vincent comes back with the grocer and his wife. Penny hands me over to Pierre and turns her attention back to the kids. 

Once in front of the clinic, Caroline fiercely knocks on the door. I’m terrified that all the noise is going to make more villagers appear to watch the show. I don’t need this. Maru opens the door to the clinic and lets Pierre drag me to an empty bed.

‘Where’s Harvey?’ Asks Caroline.

‘He was just heading out, I think he’s at the supermarket.’

‘Are you kidding me?!’

‘Pierre! This is hardly the moment! I’ll go fetch him.’ 

‘What happened?’

Pierre redirects Maru to Penny who’s still trying to calm the kids.

‘We were walking back to town with Vincent and Jas and she was just…planted on a fence, holding her hand.’

I can feel Maru unwrapping my arm.

‘Oh my.’

‘Is Miss Fern going to be ok?’

‘Penny please get the kids out. It looks like she’s lost a lot of blood. Did you see her fall at all? There’s a consequent hematoma on her forehead.’

‘No, this is how we found her.’

‘Miss Penny’

‘The kids out, NOW. Fern, can you hear me?’

She blinds my face with her small light, trying to get a reaction out of me. I nod. Pierre is pushing the kids and Penny out of the room. Maru is hooking me up to a bunch of stuff and gently cleans my arm.

‘How did that happen?’

‘I broke a glass.’

‘Fern!’

Shit not his voice.

‘Shane you can’t be there!’

‘Sorry, he raced so fast in front of me I could barely keep up. Thank you Maru, I’ll take it from here.’

‘Fern, can you hear me?’

‘She’ll need stitches. I managed to stop the bleeding but I’m concerned about the hematoma on her forehead.’ 

‘The bleeding?’

‘Shane. Please!’ Harvey’s patience starts to wear thin.

I can barely make out Shane’s ridiculous Joja mart uniform. He tries to grab my arm.

‘Fern, what did you do?!’

‘You can come back when we’re done with her but now you’ve got to LEAVE!’

The doctor forcefully shows Shane the door. He resists but Harvey is having none of it.

I’m actually relieved that he’s gone.