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nihildenial · 9 days ago

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The Ghoul Squeak by nihil-denial

Rating: Gen Audiences

Tags: Fluff and Crack, Soft Papa Emeritus IV, Nameless Ghouls Act Like Cats

Summary: The Nameless Ghouls are restless when not able to go outdoors to exercise and play. Copia wants to help them, but how can he when an expensive treadmill doesn't work for their needs? Copia will need his brother's help to solve it, though the answer might come from a smaller, cuter source...

WC: 3200ish

Copia smiled as he sipped his kid-temperature latte, relaxing in his patio chair. The sky was clear above him and the sun was out, making the October day a little less chilly. Today he had claimed a good rest day for the entire ministry to enjoy the outdoors before snow dominated the Massachusetts weather for the next few months.

All four Papa’s packs of Nameless Ghouls were out playing in the abbey’s massive acre plot. Their chatter, wrestling, and general frolicking were a wonderful white noise to the current anti-Pope. They sounded so happy.

Phantom, Aurora, and Sunshine, in their somewhat recently made carbon-based life forms, were currently discovering the wonders of the game of Tag. It was a tie over which ghoul was the better evader, as Phantom had the stride length advantage, Aurora was able to predict where each Ghoul was hiding, and Sunshine’s use of her element made her faster.

Phantom yelps as Aurora jumps to slap at his ankle that was accidentally hanging out of the tree in her line of sight.

“Tag! You’re it!” She jogs off towards the trees that surround Vengeance Lake.

The Quintessence Ghoul hops down and scans the shrubbery that leads into the abbey. All he sees is Copia in his lawn chair with a blanket over his lap, Omega and Secondo playing chess at a garden table nearby, and Terzo doing yoga in one of the sunbeams.

He remembers Sunshine went that way but the thought of getting revenge on Aurora was too tantalizing. He drops to his hands and knees and gallops towards the lake.

“Thanks, Papa,” Sunshine giggles and pops out of her hiding place under his chair. Her exposed Ghoul form meant she radiated extreme heat and she acted almost as a space heater while she used him as cover.

“Of course, my dear. Thank you for warming up these old bones.” He kisses her cheek before she trots off.

“Did they have this much energy with you two?” Copia asks out loud.

Secondo curses as Omega takes his rook. “Not really. Omega had them housetrained by the time we became a pack.”

The large Ghoul’s tail wags at the memory. “It was pretty calm until Mist and Pebble. Pebble is a somehow more reckless version of Phantom. I was never interested in running as a pastime.”

“They do it quite a lot…” Copia mumbles. “I feel awful when they’re stuck indoors. The treadmill has not been welcomed.”

He’s referring to the extremely expensive treadmill placed in the common area of the ghoul den for snowy/stormy days when even the Ghouls connected to the extreme elements didn’t want to go outside. On days like that, the restless energy builds until the demons are basically whining and bouncing-off-the-walls toddlers. The era IV ghouls are especially energetic and it’s getting to the point where they can’t go 24 hours without dropping glamour and going on long runs around the property.

Sister Imperator thought the treadmill was too expensive until a restless Swiss accidentally ran into her while running laps of the cloister. She had ordered it before Swiss had the chance to bring her a new cup of coffee.

Unfortunately, the device has not gone over well. It’s awkwardly placed by the kitchenette and partly blocks some of the den nest. Swiss took a liking to it, using it eagerly but the motor emitted a high frequency that gave poor Phantom and Aurora migraines.

Rain complained that the hard surface of the machine compared with the moving rubber track was too bouncy, causing his hips to ache.

Having it so close to the nest meant that those trying to sleep would be kept away by the sounds of exercise, and that Phantom and Aurora couldn’t be present when someone was using it. It was also too small of a footboard for Mountain to use.

Now it sits unused.

“I’m not sure what to do,” Copia finishes his thought lamely.

A squeak got his attention. Over in a little fenced away sat Zephyr and Rain playing with a few of Copia’s rats running around in plastic hamster balls. The rats were also excited to be outside, though there have been some sharp-eyed hawks circling above, so unfortunately Copia didn’t feel safe letting them free roam.

Zephyr laughs as Rigatoni rolls around them in the grass, the rat pausing to nibble at the dandelions that pop through the ball’s gaps. “They really love to run for such potato-shaped creatures.”

“You could say the same thing about Swiss,” Rain grins. “What if we just put Swiss in a giant hamster ball?”

“That would be a disaster. Giving Swiss an object to hurl himself around in? He’d turn it into a wrecking ball,” Omega moves another piece, effectively checkmating Secondo.

Secondo huffs and hands over a $50 bill. He stands and walks back into the abbey, cursing under his breath.

Omega stretches his arms over his head, a shit-eating grin on his handsome face. “Hey baby, I scored us money to go get gelato.”

Terzo’s mismatched eyes pop open. He scrambles to untangle his legs from his yoga pose and eagerly follow his loyal partner back to the abbey.

“I want some!” Copia calls after them. Terzo simply ignores him.

With his two elder brothers being of no help at all, Copia seeks out Primo. The Ghouls retire for dinner, the massive group heading into the dining hall for community spaghetti night. Copia makes sure to saddle up to Primo as they’re lining up for plates.

“Buon pomeriggio, Copia,” The eldest brother greets warmly. His Hawaiian shirt is dirty with soil and wet with hose water.

“Good evening, Primo. How is the garden doing?”

He sighs fondly. “We have a hearty amount of radishes left to harvest tomorrow, but other than that the main garden will be dormant from now until February. I left some beets in your room for your little friends.”

Copia blinks, “That’s so nice, thank you, I know they will enjoy them. Speaking off little friends…” He trails off as they look for a place to sit and talk. Once they find a table by some Brothers talking quietly, he continues, “I need help finding something to help the Ghouls exercise indoors.”

“Is the treadmill unfit?” Primo asks.

“Si, there are little issues that overall have made it unworkable for most of them except Swiss and Alpha. I’m a little lost because it was so expensive and I doubt cheaper ones will be any better.”

Primo eats his pasta with a pensive look on his face. “Perhaps you are thinking of the ghouls too literally. They have animal forms, yes?”

“I mean, they could transform to exercise, but from what Aether was telling me it expends the wrong kind of energy. They need to run off physical energy and not elemental.”

Primo eats another forkful, somehow graceful with the sauced noodles. “If only they were the size of your poccoli topi. When I looked after them during the Re-Impera tour, they were on that exercise wheel non-stop.”

Copia chews thoughtfully, “Do they make human-sized rat exercise wheels?”

“Perhaps. I know there’s one at the Science Museum. It would be a good solution; not a treadmill but still able to run them.”

He pulls out his phone and types into Google some search words. A ton of images of blow-up and plush ‘zorb’ing balls fill his screen. “Not many I can find that seem sturdy.”

“It could be a project for the Ghouls to make? Mountain and Omega love building forts and cabins out in the woods.”

Copia nods, “I’ll talk to them. Thank you for letting me ramble through all this.”

Primo smiles warmly at him. “It’s worth it to see how much you love them, and how they love you. I wish I had thought to have a connection with them all those years ago.”

It takes the entirety of October, November, and December for the crafty ghouls to create two oversized hamster wheels. Because of Mountain, Aether, and Alpha’s large frames, the wheels are actually twice the size of ones created for humans.

Copia took in the shining metal and wooden contraptions with pride in his soul. All of the ghouls had some hand in either the design or construction of them. “They are stunning! A true machine made for and by the best of infernals.”

Phantom vibrates in his place beside Copia, finally breaking loose and hopping on the slightly smaller wheel, using his four long limbs to gallop. A loud squeak fills the air as he runs.

Everyone covers their ears.

“Sheesh, we need to fix that one up,” Alpha groans.

Copia nods, “Nothing a little oil can’t help. My only issue is…where will they go? They cannot stay on the terrace, since we made them to be used inside.”

Mountain bites his lip and pulls out an extra-long tape measure. He goes around the two wheels and mumbles measurements to Zephyr.

“Yeah…that’s a full ten inches too tall to comfortably be used in the den. It would rub against the ceiling, not to mention too wide for the crypt staircase.”

“How did we forget to measure it?” Omega facepalms.

“I was so excited about the wood for the track…” Pebble admits. “I might’ve erased the measuring task off the whiteboard so we could go chop down the lumber faster.”

Copia sighs, “Pebble…That was very irresponsible. Is there anywhere else they would fit?”

Zephyr consults the architectural plan of the abbey. “The only other place I can think of right now is the main sanctuary, right behind the entrance doors. The balcony of the organ is more than tall enough to accommodate both sizes of the wheels. And, the spiral staircase wouldn’t be in the way. It could work.”

“Let’s try it; but we must be quiet, I need a way to somehow spin this into a good thing when Sister finds out where they’re going.”

By the time Mountain, Omega, Alpha, Chain, and Aether have carried the giant exercise machines to the cathedral’s nave, Copia has still not come up with a good reason to tell Sister Imperator. In any case, the two wheels fit perfectly on either side of the nave’s double doors and under the ornate balcony that held the Special Ghoul’s ancient pipe organ.

Sister Imperator’s first deal of business when she became Head Sister was to completely redesign the main sanctuary. Any slight decoration change, paint color, wood repair, or even altar flower arrangement had to be personally approved by her.

Copia allowing them to move these industrial wheels into her detailed aesthetic space was asking for a tongue-lashing.

To make sure they both work still, Copia watches as Alpha happily tests them out. It works perfectly. However, the smaller one stil has the horrid squeak. Aether applies more oil to the hinges and the group heads to dinner.

“Good evening, C and Ghouls,” Copia flinches as Sister Imperator is waiting for them at the doorway to the dining hall. Her gray pantsuit is traded for a pair of jeans and a black turtleneck. “May I ask where you have been tonight?”

Copia meets Aether’s gaze nervously, but all the Quintessence Ghoul does is shrug helplessly. “We were testing out the new Ghoul machines. We call them…uh, ‘Gwheels.’”

“That’s what made you late for dinner? You’re usually the first in line. Anyways, I am glad that the wheel project is finished. I’m sure they are wonderful machines.”

“Yes, they are.”

She nods, “So I assume since there are two machines, the treadmill will have to be moved for them to fit in the den, yes?”

“Er--yes, Sister.” A cold sweat breaks over his brow. Did she see them moving? Cumulus was their lookout and never reported the woman left her office while they were on the move.

“I was wondering if I could take the machine.”

Copia immediately takes an internal sigh of relief. She simply wanted the expensive treadmill and was not worried about the wheels after all. “Of course, Sister. It is a good item and you did technically purchase it.”

She nods, “Good. I’ll be down in the morning to have Special and Cowbell move it out and see these new Gwheels.”

Copia is a lucky bastard or he somehow received a special blessing from Lucifer because Sister Imperator gets engrossed in a meeting with Cardinal Tobias for most of the day. By the time she gets out, it’s time for Sunday Black Mass.

Copia sees it as a good thing because she would never lash out during her favorite activity, especially if Copia did well in his sermons. So, he and the Ghouls dress for the special mass and head to the sanctuary. They line up outside the nave’s double doors with the retired Papas behind the Ghouls.

Sister Imperator stands in front of Primo with Papa Nihil, her face still relaxed with the upcoming rites she loves so much.

Copia tries not to let his worry show.

The doors open and the ghouls begin singing Infestissumam’s choir as the processional begins. All of them find their seats, with the Ghouls looping around the pews back towards the entrance by their own rows of pews.

Copia passes Sister Imperator in the front row of the quire box and can literally see as her face twists in confusion at the wheels. She leans over to Nihil who just shrugs and closes his eyes to fall asleep like usual during the services.

Copia quickly begins the invocation of the four directions. It cuts her off and forces her to pay attention for a while, but he sees her turn and looks at the back of the nave several times.

Cirrus quietly gets on the big wheel when he gives her a subtle nod to try out the activity. It’s nearly silent with the heating on and Copia’s sermon. He gives her a wink and she begins to trot in earnest.

Satisfied that the invention works, the Ghouls take turns running on the contraption between hymns, then curling up together.

There are no major distractions for the first time in several weeks. Sister Imperator approaches Copia as soon as Nema leaves his mouth to end the ceremony, her hand turning off the microphone before he could.

“I do not appreciate Ghoul inventions in the chapel, C.”

He leads her to the back of the room as the Siblings filter out. “But wasn’t mass peaceful? The Ghouls are tuckered out from exercise and it barely made any noise.”

She purses her lips, taking in the sight of a content, sleepy piles of Ghouls in their designated nest corner. “I suppose so. However, the machines are unsightly.”

“We could build wooden walls to go around them?” Mountain suggests with a yawn.

“Please do,” She says and leaves without another word.

“Walls would only make them louder, right?” Cumulus pipes up.

“It won’t hurt to try it,” Omega shrugs. “Anything to keep these here. I liked being able to do something during the service that isn’t arts and crafts.”

After a few days of construction, Cumulus was correct. The ornate wooden walls to conceal the two hamster-Ghoul wheels amplified their noise despite soundproofing measures. They would simply have to stay as they were.

Sister Imperator caught on at next Sunday's mass, quickly tugging the stole around Copia’s neck before he could begin his invocation. “Why are those things not covered?”

He smooths out the stole over his chest. “The walls made them louder,” He says simply.

“They cannot just stay there!” She whispers.

“They’ll have to. They help the Ghouls stay calm and they are quiet by themselves back there. It is all fine, Sister.” He moves away nervously and begins his mass.

The Ministry had a blissful four weeks of Ghoul wheels taking the energy out of the hyper demons. Not only were they helpful during services, but there was almost always a Ghoul using them the rest of the time. Between twenty Ghouls, the machines quickly earned favor in the Ministry.

Sister Imperator’s distasteful looks towards the wheels had even calmed back to a neutral expression. The Ghouls were happy, exercised when not able to go outside, and were even more helpful because they weren’t trashing things in hyperactivity.

Copia is light on his feet as he approaches the well-worn wooden podium and opens his thick Unholy Bible to the day’s topic. His notes are spread amongst the sinful words. The Siblings in the pews before him are quietly chatting as they find seats and there’s an air of excitement for the first warm afternoon of Spring. He’ll get mass over with quickly so they can all go enjoy it.

The coming of spring means the coming of Ghoul heat and the reawakening of nature has the demons restless this morning. He encourages them to use the wheels and is glad that seems to take the energy out of the most virulent of them (i.e. Phantom, Aurora, and Sunny as the most ‘new’ Ghouls).

Aurora and Sunny take turns on the small wheel, while Phantom stretches from his form on the floor to step onto the bigger wheel. He drops to all fours and begins to warm up with a light walk.

“Papas, Clergy, and Siblings, thank you for coming out this afternoon. I promise to make this quick so we can all go enjoy the warmth of the grounds.”

Primo nods happily, the straps of his gardening apron sticking out of the top of his papal robes.

Copia smiles, “Today’s short mass is mostly a rededication of the Abbey’s grounds to our Dark Lord. Please open to page 69 and follow along. Aether, could you please light the incense?”

The Quintessence Ghoul’s hand explodes into the rich perfumed smoke, dipping the magic into Copia’s open thurible. He stands to the side, proud to serve.

Copia lifts the vessel and lets the smoke drift over the stone altar. “On the first day of Imbolc, we repledge the soil, beings, and air we breathe in a desecration of Earth to the Unholy Banished; we ask Lucifer, Satan, Prince of Darkness to hear our call--”

Creak~!

Copia stops at the noise, concentration broken. He looks around and sees that Phantom is frozen on the wheel and all the Ghouls are staring at him. When the siblings and Clergy turn, he flushes brightly. “Sorry, I went a little too fast I think.”

Copia waves him off fondly. “It’s alright. Where were we…yes, Prince of Darkness, hear our call of sin to protect this cathedral and its grounds from the inquisition of slave-minded religion. We--”

Squeak, creak, s-que~ak!

The painful sound of metal-on-metal permeates the cathedral as Phantom comes to an abrupt halt at the wheel’s noise. “Uh oh.”

“It probably just needs some oil,” Alpha laughs nervously and runs out to find his toolbox.

Oiling it does take away the noise for the next week. However, it comes back softer, and then stays that way. Permanently. With no amount of oiling, lubricating, sanding, does the big wheel stop making small creaks.

Eventually, it becomes known as the Ghoul ‘Squeak’ and becomes white noise to the ministry during services. Sister Imperator eventually drops complaining about it when Copia refuses to take away the wheels. It’s better than Ghouls quite literally running amuck in the nave, at least.

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