#today wasnt that bad?? right?? i dont know i numbed myself the whole day i was sotoned down?? | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

weareallfallengods · 6 years ago

Text

Survival

Writing prompt:

If you’re over 25 and haven’t done something remarkable, you are hunted down and killed. Some people invent things. Some make cures for diseases. Others become established members of their community. You’re pushing 30, and somehow not dead yet, even though you cant think of a single thing you’ve done thats remarkable in any way. Why aren’t you dead?

I write for adults about adult themes with adult language. I try to tag possible triggers (but I know I'm not going to get all of them), so if violence or implied death or cussing bothers you, you'll probably want to find a different author.

********************************************

Somehow, that date came up again. Not quite sure how, but somehow, the number circled on my shitty wall calendar with the coffee splatter on it managed to be today. Again. It's been doing that for 5 years now.

At first I wanted to be a surgeon- save people's lives, make a difference, all that shit. Yeah, I was caught up in the hype for a while too. Just like everyone. Thought I'd make some ground-breaking discovery and change the world. Just like everyone. And then, at 22, I flunked out of med school. That was it. Dream over, kaput, fin.

When I opened my termination letter, it was like reading a death sentence. 10 years of prep and study down the drain. 3 years left. 3 years, and no idea what to do. No clue what I could do to save my own life after all those years learning how to save others.I drank for a solid month. I dont even remember that month now. My only memento from it is an entire skip of liquor bottles. It's a miracle I didn't die from alcohol poisoning. Not that I didn't try.

See, I was afraid. Scared, actually. Terrified would be more accurate, if I'm honest. I knew I only had 3 years left until they came for me. Unless I managed to do something extraordinary within the next 3 years, they'd come for me, and the only thing that would remain is a 2 paragraph obituary in the local paper, followed by a vacancy announcement. When you're suddenly forced to confront your own imminent demise, and see every dream, hope and aspiration you'd had evaporate, right in front of your eyes, its perfectly natural to drown that in a swimming pool of vodka.

But then, after a month of drowning, and a week of curing a hangover that would make Satan shudder, I got angry. Like Bruce Banner angry. As I was leaving an all night diner, the notice board caught my eye. Having nothing better to do with my life, I stood there for a while just reading every single card in detail, every single lost cat, every used car, every 5k charity run. And then I saw it. And I thought, "You know what? Fuck it, why not. I've spent all this time trying to do one thing that I've never actually done just whatever I feel like, had hobbies, anything really. Why the fuck not."

And that's how I ended up 2 days later in some shity warehouse district, rolling around on a mat with some dude I didnt even know, sweating and swearing profusely and having the time of my life. "Sasha's Self Defense" it said on the small, weathered and rusted sign on the brick wall out front, next to a door that looked like it had been transported straight from the proverbial gulag.

I'd naively thought this was going to be one of those Karate Kid knock offs for some reason when I first arrived. Sasha soon disabused me of that notion. In fact, when he saw I'd brought a new gi in a duffle bag, he laughed so hard he had to slap his ass down on a rickety folding chair just to keep breathing. Once he calmed his mirth at my expense, he let me know in a no-nonsense, 'I'm an old-timer and seen some shit in my day' heavily accented tone that this would be a class that focused on survival at all costs. "No bullshit wax on-wax off," were his exact words I believe.

And boy was he right. When I told him I'd set aside my year's tuition for lesson payments, well, wouldn't you know it, I became his most prized pupil; I quickly learned this was not a good thing. It meant 14 hours a day of the most humiliatingly punishing activity ever dreamed up by Moscow's Finest. I couldnt even move the morning after my first day. But somehow I limped my battered frame down to the bus stop and was only an hour late. Ha, only. Sasha seemed to take it as a personal insult. The only thing he hated less than sloppiness was tardiness it seemed. Apparently the 10th Circle of Hell was reserved for those who dared be late. And he made you earn your way out of that circle.

His only saving grace was fairness. If I had to suffer, at least I wasnt alone. Well, at first anyway. The few other students that suffered his wrath along side me doing slavic folk dances with wrist and ankle weights very quickly learned that this wasn't the type of class they had thought it was and soon I was alone with Sasha.

On the days I did well, I got treated to pierogies. Oh man, I lived for those pierogies. They were made by angels and served by someone I can only describe as if Jesus came back as a woman. Who was Russian. And spoke even less english than Sasha, if that was possible. His sister was as completely opposite to that sadistic maniac as it was possible to be and still be a human being. Where he was loud, she was soft. Where he was tough, she was gentle. Where he was strict, she was generous, even indulgent. Blonde to his brunette. Slim to his barrel chest. Cousin by marriage, I think they said. Well, relatives of some kind anyway. And she was the only one who could make him laugh. And when he laughed, the whole block knew! He was just that loud, that boisterous, with everything he did.

But I loved his little Anya. Just like everyone. But like in a wholesome, mom-ish kind of way. I loved her because I got to sit for an hour when she was around. Because she"d always tuck a to-go container of pierogies into my bag. Because she'd chide Sasha for pushing me too hard. In short, she was an angel.

But I have to hand it Sasha- in 4 months, he took a scrawny bookworm into someone who could pose for Men's Health. In 6 months, I could beat Ivan, his partner, in 5/10 sparring matches. In 7 months, I ran a marathon. In 9, he had me enter a triathalon. And I made it into the top 50 out of 500 entrants. Not too bad if I say so myself. In 12 months, I was beating Ivan almost every time.

And that's when the other Ivan showed up. After a year, Sasha decided it was time I learned weaponry. After all, no real fight was fair, he said. And Ivan (another cousin? Sasha had one heck of an extended family) instructed me on everything from broken beer bottles, to knives and pool cues. And my medical training paid off, because more often than not, I was the one stitching myself up if training got a little rough that day.

Eventually, I moved into the gym. Not sure how it happened, but I think I just got too tired to leave one day and never really left. Sasha didnt seem to mind since it meant I wasnt ever late again. Plus the coffee he imported was the best thing ever. Like it was so good that's probably the Extraordinary Thing he did to live as long as he had.

The days just melted together, into one long symphony of beautiful exhaustion and physical torment, as I poured myself into the first activity I could remember doing purely because I wanted to, something that numbed the dread of the finality of my life expectancy.

But then one day, one specific day, the one I'd been dreading in the back of my mind for a year came around.

They found me.

I guess they were a little slow in finding me, not surprising since I'd basically just disappeared from my old life, no forwarding address type thing. It wasnt intentional, it just sort of happened, what with me diving head first into something purely for me, without the thought of doing it for someone else. But they found me. Just like they find everybody.

See, it doesnt matter if you try to run, if you move, or change your name. They always find you eventually. I just hadn't thought about it in a long while. That year was the first time since I was probably 14 that I'm hadn't thought about the Gardeners. I guess that's why it surprised me so much.

Yeah, Gardeners. I dont know who came up with the name, in guess some misguided attempt at a positive PR spin bullshit to pass off squads of government assassins who's only job was to track down the NCs of the world and eliminate them. Sorry, NCs- Non-Contributors; the people who hit their expiration date without doing something noteworthy, something that was deemed to "advance or bolster the Human Condition" to borrow a phrase from the civics classes we had to take every fucking year of school. A cutesy sounding name that was supposed to make the government sound like a benevolent old couple pulling weeds from their garden of humanity. The worst lies always sound the sweetest, dont they?

And I was now 25.

It happened a few weeks after my birthday. Just another routine day for me, going for a light 5k run after my soak in a mineral bath. Light rain, most of the streetlights out, the few lights on in the warehouse district reflected beautifully off the streets. That's why I ran at night, all the colors changed that normally bleak neighborhood into something beautiful. It was just one little thing to balance out the harshness of reality, and I reveled in it.

I don't actually remember what happened exactly. I do recall seeing a suspiciously conspicuous homeless guy huddled under a loading dock awning, and then just a flash of movement from the corner of my eye. I think it happened really quickly; at least that's what Sasha said the next morning as he was making arrangements for me to visit another cousin of his "back in the old country". It could have been. God, after seeing the bodies around me in the aftermath, I hope, for their sake, that it was fast. 5 bodies. All still. I still remember my breath turning to blue fog, blurring the details of them. Helping me to be able to pretend I didn't see the blood mixing with the rain and oil, spreading out over the concrete like a macabre inversion of the cloudy sky above.

I'm glad they wore masks. It's bad enough having that scene burned into my brain forever, without specific people's faces being etched there as well. I'm glad I dont see their faces in my mind every time I close my eyes. I just wish I could still enjoy the rain. They managed to take that from me, even if I'm still breathing, so I guess they didnt completely fail. They just killed a part of my soul instead. But hey, there's plenty of people that don't like the rain, right? But I bet they don't smell blood when it does though.

And that was pretty much it. No sirens, no manhunt, nothing. Before I could process what was happening, I was on a bus, headed for "the old country", which, as near as I could tell, looked an awful lot like Pittsburg. Sasha's 'cousin' met me at the bus depot there, a man of very few words. Not as loud as his cousin, Zhena tended to communicate with looks, grunts and shrugs mostly. Same work ethic though.

And then the cycle repeated- 14 months this time before they caught up with me. Too bad that Zhena got caught up in it, he was a great guy. He and I didn't really become close or buddies or anything, but it still hurt to see what happened to him. To what was left of him anyway. The Gardeners definitely were trying to send a message with that. To quote an old wise man, "I didnt want to know, but now I do, and I'm telling you, you dont want to know." And that's coming from someone who was training to become a surgeon, so just trust me on this one.

This time, they were waiting for me. I think they'd planned on Zhena being enough of a distraction that they'd be able to take me out easily, but since since I woke up the next day on the floor of the sparring ring in a too large pool of blood that wasnt my own, I'd say they failed. The difference this time was I was on my own. No 'cousins' to call in favors from. No family I could call because I didnt want them getting a visit from the Gardeners either. I was alone this time.

Weirdly, I was actually OK with that. I'd been surrounded by family, teachers, advisors, tutors for so long that solitude was actually kind of nice. I could hear myself think my own thoughts for the first time in what seemed like forever.

I'm not ashamed to say that I took what little of value there was from Zhena's gym (I knew him well enough to know that Sasha was his only family) so that I could get a seedy hotel for a while. I did at least have the decency to let Sasha know, and that that would be the last he ever heard from me, to keep him out of trouble. Bad enough that 10 people were already dead, I didn't want Sasha or Anya's name added to that list because of me.

And so I vanished. Completely. Sure I travelled, kept studying and training like I had been, but never staying longer than a few months, never using the same name, copying other random people's habits and patterns so I didnt have one of my own for them to track down. Yeah it was cliche, but hey, I figured my dad watching all those spy flicks when I was young had to be good for something, right?

Sometimes I was a baker, sometimes a delivery driver, even a dock hand. Whatever it took to make a buck so I could eat.

I got really good at other things too. Like disposing of bodies. Not really a skill I ever thought I'd want or need, but Necessity is a harsh and demanding teacher. Sadly, my skill as a surgeon came in handy- bodies are easier to get rid of when they're in smaller pieces. And people are easier to turn into bodies when you know how they're put together intimately. Not what I had in mind for my life, but since it was the choice between this or dying, well, I guess I can put up with it.

I suppose that catches us all up to the present, more or less. OK yeah theres a lot that's gone down between Pittsburg and now, but it was all pretty much the same: lather, rinse, repeat. Literally sometimes. Those were the days it felt like there wasnt enough soap in the world to get all the blood off.

So here I am, I'm my single room in Kandahar, staring at the date that had somehow come up again. Every year, they send someone. Usually a team. And I survive. No matter how they come at me, or when or how many. I survive.

And I'm sitting here, staring at the calendar, steaming cup of espresso, just staring, as a light breeze fluttered the corner of the calendar page, sending the orchids dancing in the vase next to it. All I could think is, "How? How does this keep happening? I'm not even supposed to be here, not supposed to be alive."

As I raised my cup of espresso, something slid under my door. "OK that's weird," I said aloud as I stood.

The chair made an ungodly screech as I pushed it back and made my way over to where a small, cream colored envelope sat on the floor, a couple inches from the bottom of the door. It was heavy for it's size, but not because anything was in it, just the paper was that thick. Probably hand-made. It's odd the little things you notice in times of stress. Heavy, rough paper, no postmark, nothing written on the outside, just the flap tucked in, not even sealed. Reminded me of how my mother used to give out birthday cards. I always thought that was a little weird, but it was just one of her quirks that made her even more endearing to everyone.

I sat down a little heavier than I had planned and felt the chair crack a little. There was a single sheet of paper inside, folded in half; I was right- handmade paper. But that wasnt important, what was important was the heavy, blocky hand-written message it contained.

"We've been looking for you for a long time. It has come to my attention that you may have something unique to contribute after all. We may have been too hasty in judging your Ability to be a Contributor. I believe you do actually have a remarkable Ability to Survive. I'd like to speak to you this afternoon in the plaza outside the Blue Mosque. I will be alone, and you can approach me, so as to allay your justifiable suspicions. I will have a silver coffee set on the table in front of me.

I believe we can help each other, if you're willing to listen to my proposition.

-Soon,

Baddar"

Well, this is interesting.

#writing prompt #short story #what if #what would you do #one shot #writeblr #death #language

20 notes · View notes

heartsofstrangers · 6 years ago

Photo

What has been one of the most challenging things that you have experienced, or are currently experiencing?

“The most challenging experience I’m having right now is getting back into the world. Finding myself and place that I’ve lost over my 14 years of addiction. I think I’ve found myself, but I think that is a struggle for a lot of people in the world. Not necessarily somebody who struggles with addiction, but finding who they are as a person, and their being, and their purpose. I’m finding that. Or I think I’ve found that, but I don’t know if anybody finds that throughout their whole life. I’m lucky to be able to have that opportunity—a second chance at life in this recovery road.”

Tell me about the years of addiction, and what maybe contributed to the addiction.

“Well, in high school, not choosing the best group of friends. My father moved away when I was very young. No fault of his own. He had to go to find work in other states, which I now understand as an adult, but at the time I think I was suppressing that loss of him, having to move. He had no choice, he had to.

“For a group of friends, divorce is hard on children. Remarriage is also hard on children. I was very fortunate to have a great stepfather. But that was also challenging. I also experienced a lot of bullying my junior year at Southington High. That, in turn, led me to switch high schools, from Southington High to New Britain High. Although I made it out of there, it was really some hard times for me. I just kept self-medicating.

“Eventually, one high wasn’t as good as the first. I just kept going for that ultimate high, until eventually it caused me to overdose twice.”

Tell me about the times you overdosed. What was that experience like?

“In my first experience I was experimenting with drugs, and I did not know a good mixture. The reality is I was trying to get the ultimate high by mixing pills with antidepressants. It caused a bad overdose and ultimately led to my mother coming in and finding me unresponsive, and an ambulance ride with two vials of Narcan that ended up bringing me back to life. That experience as a whole, being brought in on a stretcher and seeing my family to the right, seeing the ER to the left, seeing the facial expressions on my family members, is something I will never get out of my head. I’ve learned to cope with it.

“Apparently, it wasn’t enough of a wake-up call for me in 2004. My second overdose was in 2009/2010. That experience alone ended up putting me in critical care. All of my bodily fluids had let go. It was a very awakening experience for me. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the end of my addiction. The second time wasn’t either. But the second time, my nephew had a play that night and I lay there in the hospital bed thinking, now my addiction is not enabling me to be in my nephews’ lives, which I was blind to for so many years prior to that. My addiction had brought me to my knees, and it was now time to wake up and start getting it together.

“It wasn’t until two or three years after that that I started wanting more for myself. But it was a very humbling experience. It was sad. I found myself out and about a week later, getting heroin, and smoking crack again. And again, just suppressing all of those feelings I had had. I felt like I could not stop the vicious cycle. Addiction is a vicious cycle. For many people, it’s hard to find that break. If you do find it, it’s possible.”

What were some of the things you missed out on or lost because of the years of addiction?

“One of the biggest things is time. We as humans, we as people, can get a lot of things back in life. Sneakers, clothes, cars. But the most valuable thing that we as humans can’t get back is time. So if you asked me what the biggest one was, it would be time. I missed out on time with my nephews. Time to get my career off the ground and finances in order. Yes, we can get some of those things back, but we don’t get time back.”

Has forgiving yourself, or even forgiving others, been part of the process of recovery for you?

“Yeah, very big. I’d like to sit here today and say that I one hundred percent wholeheartedly have forgiven myself. Some days I think I’ve got it and I do, and other days I don’t. I think that’s all part of the recovery process. Good days and bad. That’s for anybody. But we as addicts struggle a little more, I feel. Or depression. Whatever somebody is recovering from.

“I believe I’m almost there. It’s a process of forgiving myself. Forgiving others is a process as well. But I understand there were a lot of difficult decisions and situations I put my family in for many years that I was bitter from. It had to eventually come to a point where they had to separate—for themselves. I have forgiven. I have to, because we as adults—cancer survivors, addiction, depression, mental health, whatever you may be recovering from—it’s vitally important that the person who has suffered for so many years gets to a point where they forgive themselves so they can move forward.

“There have been a lot of crying nights, a lot of fist punches to the pillow, a lot of difficult situations I’ve had to play over in my mind as it’s a process, you have to forgive in order to move forward. Some of the situations I didn’t like having to forgive and I still struggle with today. But it’s only going to hold me back. I was very fortunate that I had a family and I still have a family that is allowing me to recover. And it’s allowing me to forgive myself. One of the biggest things my family said to me two and a half years ago was we forgive you. A lot of people don’t get that opportunity. The ones who do, we’re very fortunate. But I’m still told up until last week when I was having a ‘Jenny’ moment, ‘Jenny, we forgive you. You can feel sorry for what you’ve been through, but we forgive you and we’re here.’ And it’s important that you know that so you can move forward.

“So I have to keep replaying that in my head every day. My mother is a second-time cancer survivor, and I tell her, ‘I know you didn’t mean to get sick. Sometimes I think you had to go and get sick,’ and she’ll say, ‘Well, you were sick for years. Allow me time to get well.’ So I forgive. It’s important to forgive. It’s a process.”

It sounds like having your family tell you they forgive you is freeing in some way.

“Absolutely. It’s relieving for me. The guilt was a very big part of what stopped me from moving forward. It was self-medicating, which started in high school, as I said. Self-medicating from bad decisions, bad choices in friends, being bullied out of my own town. But almost a year ago I forgave some of those people in high school, because we were young. We didn’t know. We wanted to be cool. That’s part of me that’s forgiving. But my family. Yes, for them to be able to say Jenny we forgive you, and it’s important that you know that because we want you to be healthy and be here with us. It’s a very big part for me.”

What sort of role do you think guilt and shame have played in your mental health and addiction?

“The stealing that I did from my family, money. Lies. Being someone I wasn’t. I think one of the biggest things is I had many opportunities to come clean with them, and I didn’t. But I can’t change that. I can only move forward from where I am now.

“A lot of the guilt and shame is from where I was living for a long time. Just kind of a reflection of how life was. Facebook does these pop-up pictures from years prior. And a lot of them have been popping up from the last four or five years. It’s been a good reminder. Because I thought I looked healthy back then. I didn’t. To see how far I’ve come. So the guilt, when I see those. I take it as a hard lesson. Thank you for letting me see how I was. But I wasn’t fooling anybody for a long time. I was only fooling myself.”

Would you say that guilt and shame feed the fire of addiction?

“Oh yeah. The guilt and the shame feed the fire. Absolutely. Because people don’t like feeling feelings. Not everybody. But feelings are healthy from what I’ve been learning. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to feel mad. It’s okay to feel anger, disappointment, and resentment. It’s okay to be uncomfortable sometimes, you know? That’s good. But for many years, the guilt was feeding all of that and suppressing my way of life.”

All those years of repressing and suppressing those feelings that made you uncomfortable—did they go away, or were they still there when you got sober? And have you had to move through them?

“Those feelings are still there. They’re always going to be there. But I have learned a different way of life and a different way of learning how to manage those feelings and deal with them without having to numb myself from those feelings. Therapy. Yoga. Meditative coloring is my favorite. Love that. So I’ve learned ways to deal with those feelings. They’re always going to be there. But I think at the end of the day, as I was saying earlier, forgiveness plays a very big role in that. Knowing that if you forgive yourself, then everything after that kind of comes into order.

“Forgiving yourself is probably one of the biggest steps in recovery, because after that, your mind, body, and soul know that you have forgiven the most important person in your life. And that’s you. Me. The one who suffered for so many years. Everyone else did suffer, but it gives a sense of relief in my body that I can move forward instead of dealing with those feelings when I’m numbing myself and feeling guilty.”

I’ve talked to many people who are recovering from a wide variety of issues, and one of the recurring themes is that people tend to cause more suffering and pain to themselves than what initially led them to try to escape those feelings in the first place. Would you say that’s true?

“I agree with that. Absolutely. Eventually what happens is you keep suppressing, suppressing, suppressing, rather than dealing with the issues at hand. Eventually it’s two or three years later and time, we don’t get back, but we can always make more time. That leads to suppressing rather than just dealing with the issue at hand. It’s important that people such as myself, you, who have started this Hearts of Strangers, to be able to give people the opportunity to do this. To be able to share their experiences and know you don’t have to go two, three, fourteen years like I did. I would like to not say it’s a waste of time, but I feel if I heard these stories, with what you do and put it out there for people. A lot more people such as myself would have come out a lot earlier.”

You mentioned the realization that you were missing out on your nephews’ lives. What else contributed to the awakening you needed to make some changes?

“I saw my friends getting married and having children. And I wanted that. I always wanted that for myself. I still want that for myself, and I know at the right time it will come. But that was one of the biggest factors, missing out and wanting to be a productive person in society. I was missing out.

“Many nights I would break night and I would hear the birds come up and start chirping. Breaking night is just awful. And I would get in my car from wherever I was and look out the window, and I’d see people going by in their cars to work, to their lives. And I wasn’t being a productive person in society. I wasn’t playing a good role for myself, for my family, for my loved ones. I wanted more for myself, which I hope that before too many lives are lost to this vicious cycle of addiction that people get the opportunity, like I have or you have, because it is possible to live happy and healthy without being under the substance of an addiction, or a drug or alcohol.”

How important do you think connection is in finding a sense of purpose and meaning and moving forward in your journey?

“There are many important roles played in recovery, and that is one of the number ones. It’s very important. Networking. Yeah, I think it’s very important. Finding a sense of purpose and reaching out.”

When things are good but also when things are bad.

“Absolutely. Life is about finding a balance, and I think finding a balance for anybody, even someone who doesn’t have an addiction or struggle, is challenging. What is right? What is wrong? A lot of people say right when the person thinks they got it, they don’t. You’re always learning something new. I think finding the right balance and being comfortable where you are, in a comfortable setting. Finding what’s comfortable for you and then going for it. For me personally, yoga. I’m thinking about getting into kickboxing again. I’ll be the first one to say the best high in the world is getting the endorphins going and working out. That’s one of the biggest things that pulled me out in recovery. I’m a big softball player. Getting out there and being able to cream some softballs is a good feeling for me.”

So doing the things you enjoy doing must really make you feel good. You’ve been able to network and build relationships.

“Yes. And I’ve also been able to repair a lot of relationships as well. Recovery University was a very big opportunity for me. I met a lot of kind people there. For me I was kind of twisting in the air. And again, trying to find the right direction in life. Ultimately in the end, my addiction ended up saving me, if that makes sense.

“Networking, such as people. Reaching out, such as people to you. Or friends, such as yourself. To be able to sit here with you and do this is therapy for me. It’s recovery for me. This is a great high. Networking is very important, like I said. I’m also doing Narcan classes. That’s not a resolution. That’s standing in the gap. But for me to be able to do that and give people a second chance at life. Networking with Greater Hartford Harm Reduction Coalition, my friends up there or you. NA. AA. As they say, one hand washes the other. I feel that it’s been a challenge, but I’m starting to experience it in this recovery world. There was a time when I didn’t want to go anywhere. I just stayed in my house. I was clean and I wasn’t using, but I wasn’t living.

“It was because of networking, from one mouth to another, and seeing the support. There is a lot of support in the recovery world. There definitely is. You have to be very careful and choosy, but yeah, networking has played a very big part in my life.”

Did you find it difficult to reach out for help, and to find the resources that have been beneficial to you?

“In the beginning, I wasn’t trying. In all fairness, it hasn’t been challenging for me. I don’t know if a little bit of my personality has to do with it. I was always very outgoing. But it’s been fairly easy for me to find support in the recovery community and reaching out.

“I know it’s hard for some to reach out more than for others. But if you want to live this recovery road, walk this recovery road, I will tell anybody, don’t let any person, place, or thing stop you. You keep reaching out, because it may be the first, second, third, fourth, or fifth person who does not help you, but I guarantee when you get to the sixth or seventh, you’ll find him. Keep trying.

“For me it hasn’t really been much of a struggle. I’m very fortunate. I have a loving family that just when I gave up on me, had to love me from afar. But I have some encountered some really wonderful friends and great support over the years.”

It sounds like you have a lot of unconditional love and support in your life.

“I do. And a lot of people aren’t as fortunate as me. And for that my heart goes out even harder for them.”

Is that what inspires you to reach out and be part of the community of helping others who may be going through some of the same obstacles that you’ve faced?

“Absolutely. Because although it is going on almost three years now of having those feelings. I have recovery dates for certain things that I stopped along the way. But all in all, about three years. Those feelings, like we said earlier, they never go away. But those feelings of loneliness, the feelings of craving a high or drug to just make you feel normal. All of those feelings will impact me for the rest of my life. I’m never going to forget where I came from. I know where I’m going, and I’m not close to where I want to be, but I’m a lot farther than I was. That makes me want to get out there and empathize with people as humans. The sick and still suffering. To be able to help them. I recently, in the past four months, got into working for Aware Recovery Care. And their treatment approach is wonderful. But anyone out there who is in this service or in this field, whether you’re getting paid or not, has to have a passion and know what one has gone through. Even if they don’t, it’s never bad to lend a helping hand and help somebody. So, my past experience is what is driving me to help people in recovery.”

Have you faced stigma at all in having the history and past that you have? Do you still encounter that?

“Yeah. I encountered a year ago, I went to an NA meeting and I had mentioned that I was on methadone, which is a medication that got me to a stable point of not being sick, living a healthy, balanced lifestyle. Healthy, honest, productive person of society. I had mentioned that I was on that, and somewhere in between the temporary sponsor that I had. I don’t know where she missed that big vital point of that happening, I wanted to start being a door greeter and taking commitments and working the steps. And it was passed onto me by this temporary sponsor that I could not start or take any step work or commitments until I was off my methadone, because that is not considered being clean.

“So that was a very big stigma and big prejudice that I felt. That, in turn, pushed me away from going to my meetings and pushed me away from my networking for a good six or seven months until I talked to a couple of people at RU, and they said, don’t let that stop you. I may say this angry right now, but I can voice it. Until you have a PhD after your name, then we’ll talk. For me, it’s what works for me. I’ll never be the type to sit there and tell someone, ‘You’re not clean because you’re on a medication that is being prescribed for abuse.’ Especially if you’re tapering off. But it’s what works for that person.”

You’re mentioned RU, Recovery University, a few times. Tell me what that is.

“Recovery University is part of Advocacy Unlimited. It’s a nonprofit organization that accepts anybody who has a co-occurring disorder, depression, addiction, to allow them to get an 80-hour certification in the state of Connecticut, to be able to work with individuals who have co-occurring depression, addiction, alcoholism, and be able to work in the field of addiction services. Anybody recovering from something, but addiction services mostly, mental health. And be an advocate for them. Help them on their recovery journey. The thing I like best about RU is I never thought I would be able to go to a university for something that almost killed me and made me hide for years. Then I could go to school for it and get a certification and be sitting here and working in the field. But along with the RU certification, I did some networking. I met some wonderful people along the way.”

It sounds like an organization, or a concept such as Recovery University, makes it possible for people who have lived experiences to then be a support to others who are still going through it. It sounds like a way to turn something negative and painful, something that may be been a weakness in your life into a strength, something you could be proud of. Something that had value and you could offer it to others to help them. I think it’s huge in shifting the perspective of the 14 years or so that you spent using.

“Recovery University . . . well, my biggest accomplishment prior to that was graduating high school. And that was a struggle for me, because of having to switch high schools and because of the bullying experiences I had. But the second was graduating from Recovery University, and having that diploma, having my father come. And having that certification and being able to turn a negative into a very big positive. And being able to stand on a stage in front of all of these people who are all fighting for the same cause. For so many years when I thought I was alone, I knew that there were people out there feeling the way I was, but I realize in-depth that I never really was alone. I’m not alone now, which is a good feeling to know.”

You mentioned in the beginning of this interview some of the things that may have contributed to your addiction. Your father moving away at a young age, moving away, changing schools, your parents going through a divorce, remarriage, and also being bullied. Where there other traumas or experiences that may have contributed to not having the coping skills needed to deal with those issues?

“Yeah, for a long time, from the age of 10 probably up to my early or late teens, I always knew that something wasn’t right with my mom. But I also didn’t know that she was suffering from addiction at the time as well. I was blind toward it, but I knew something wasn’t right with her, and her behavior, but I was given a lot of free time to come and go. There were rules. I wouldn’t say a bad thing about my mother today. She did a good job. She saved me twice from overdose and raised a kind, gentle, loving woman—myself. I think a lot of that had to do with it.

“As time went on, I started self-medicating and not acknowledging issues and speaking how I felt. Again, I don’t mean to keep going back to the bullying in high school, but that ultimately ended up being the biggest factor in my 14 years of addiction. Had that not happened, I think I would have been able to acknowledge some things at home that were bothering me, and worries that I had. My mother wasn’t ready to come and admit it yet. That goes along with people—when they’re ready, they’re ready. You can’t force anyone into recovery. A person has to want it. Now it’s almost 16 years that she’s been clean. So I think that had a big factor to do with it.”

It sounds like instability in your home life, and your role models weren’t modeling the healthiest coping skills for whatever challenges they were facing. So you didn’t really have the resources or access to coping skills that may have helped you avoid drugs and that path.

“Well no, that’s not really accurate. I always had what I needed. I was always well taken care of. Beautiful home, clothes, but that’s not all that a lot of people need. She never, an example of my mom. One day I swung on a 3 and 0 and you never swing on a 3 and 0 in softball or baseball, but I did, and I had two RBIs. The coach walked off the field and quit. So we didn’t have a coach to proceed and my mother was the one to get off the bench and said, ‘Okay, I’ll coach.’

“So I did have support. I did have endless love that I still do today. But there was part of me that could see that my mom still was not healthy. So subliminally in my teens, I just started smoking pot, drinking beer. Addiction is a disease. Now I know that later on in life. I had lots of support, a loving sister, family. But I think that did play a smidgen in my self-medicating.”

Thank you for saying that, because I think a lot of times we think addiction looks a certain way or there is a recipe for addiction. There are plenty of people who are professionals living in beautiful homes, driving expensive cars. From the outside it looks very cookie cutter and that they have everything that they could possibly need. There are still mental-health issues or addiction issues. I’m glad you corrected me and said that, because I think it’s really important.

“Yes, it is important. A lot of people think ‘She’s got the best Nikes on and Abercrombie and oh, their life is great.’ But until you live in those four walls, eight wall, ten walls—a mansion—you don’t really know what’s going on inside people’s homes.

“Again, hats off to my mother. When people are born, they don’t come with an instruction manual. I sure gave her a run for years. But I’m glad we’re all here to enjoy each other and live prosperous, healthy years to come.”

It sounds like you’re at a place in your life when you can acknowledge that your mother and father did the best they could. I myself was able to come to that place in my journey. And it was very freeing to let go of that resentment and the blaming sometimes that happen. It starts when you’re a teenager. You wish your parents were something different than what they were. You think you were going without. Then you realize that they are people too. They are doing the best that they can.

“Yeah, absolutely. Just to go back on my father moving away. At the age of 12 or 13, I felt like he up and left me. He always said, ‘Jennifer, I had a very tough decision to make. I had to make money.’ For many years, which led to me self-medicating was my father moved away, and he had other children. Here I am and it was bitter. Suppressing and suppressing. But little did I know that my father was suffering from alcoholism out there. He was having depression. Clinical depression. Do I wish that there were more attempts made on his part and mine? Yes. But for the first time in 20 years I just had Christmas with him. It’s a wonderful feeling. Relationships and family take a lot of work. That’s why communication is one of the biggest things in life.”

It sounds like there’s a lot of honesty now in that communication.

“Yes, there is. I didn’t realize what he was dealing with while in Michigan and Illinois. And I can only imagine that divorces can be tough. For him to be how many states away trying to communicate with a teenager, me at the time. And for him to know that I was BSing him the whole time and there was really nothing he could do about it. I feel more of an attempt could have been made by him to reach out. But also, I wasn’t being honest with him. And I wasn’t honest with him for 14 years. Even when I became an adult.

“It’s a process. Recovery is a process, and it’s going to be a process for the rest of my life. But I now have tools and wonderful people to network. And a support safety net that I can go to. I’m very confident with that.”

What sort of role does spirituality play in this journey for you in recovery?

“I’m happy you asked that. I would always call on God when I was in trouble. ‘Oh, God, please don’t let me get pulled over.’ I didn’t realize until maybe a year ago that I would only call on him when I was in trouble. So for a while it didn’t sit easy with me. I felt hypocritical to him. Spirituality for me, I’m still in the process of working on that. I’m working on that. I know that my spirit is what’s most important, and I’ve got to work on keeping that spirt alive and torched up, and it goes down sometimes. I’m working on that spirituality aspect. I had a little glimpse of spirituality on my way out to Illinois, which was very ironic going to see my father. There was a priest walking around the boarding area and there was nowhere to sit, so I said, ‘Father, would you like my seat?’ and he said, “No, no, no, I’m okay. Thank you.’ And I didn’t want to push it so I said, ‘Okay, happy holidays.’ So on the returning flight I see him sitting in the same area as me getting ready to go back to Bradley. So I said, ‘Hi, Father. Did you have a good Christmas? Do you remember me?’ because I had a hat on going out. And he goes, ‘I remember you. You’re the nice young lady who offered me your seat on the way out, and it made me feel good to know that there are still people out there doing nice charity work.’ And as little as that was, we got into a discussion of how cold the world can be today. I shared very briefly what I could about my addiction and my struggles. It was almost a sign that he was on that plane, because it’s one of the things that I’m working on right now. My spirituality, my religion, my beliefs. We ended up exchanging phone numbers. When he’s done with his travels, I’d like to go see him and get more in depth with my spirituality. So it was just kind of weird how that happened.”

What are some things that enhance your spirit when you are feeling depleted?

“A lot of what my spirit is is to not want to go back to the way I was living. Early on in my recovery my higher power was my nephews. Everyone says whatever your higher power is, even if it’s that tree, whatever you believe in you believe in. My nephews were a very big part of my life and a lot of the guilt I carried was, up until they were about 9 and 10, I was in their lives consistently. And then when addiction started to kick off, I wasn’t. So they were my higher power for spirituality. Now, what keeps me going every day is the remembrance of not wanting to go back and live that way. My body is healthy. My mind is clear. I’m actually okay in my own skin now.”

It’s seems like you’re looking in the rear-view mirror now. Seeing you’re in a better place gives you strength to move forward.

“Keeping it green a little bit. Remembering where I came from. Not so much that it hinders me every day, but knowing I’m not going back there again. I’m not going back there. To be able to have this opportunity today to sit here and to be able to answer these difficult questions, that aren’t so difficult for me to answer right now. But back then, I would have been dodging everywhere. To be able to sit here in an art gallery and be able to share with you. These questions that humble me and brought me to my weakest point for several years. To see how far I’ve come.”

What have you learned about yourself in these years that you were battling addiction, even in the years that followed in your recovery?

“I’m learning a bit more about myself every day. I think we all do that as people. But one of the biggest things is that I’m kind, and I’m a good person. Although I felt like I lost that for years, my self-worth. To know I have all of these people behind me who love me and support me is enough to keep me going. I learned that every day is not going to be a good day. There are going to be days that are bad. But it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to feel things without numbing yourself. It’s a cleansing.”

You talked earlier about how it’s part of being human to be upset, to be angry, to be uncomfortable. I can relate to that, because I think the things that make us uncomfortable lead us to check out and be numb with whatever we use, whether it’s television, phones, shopping, sex, gambling, smoking, drugs, alcohol, food—we all do something to take that edge off. What I’ve learned in my recovery is that when you learn to sit with what makes you uncomfortable, without armoring up, without checking out, without numbing, you make peace with it. Then you no longer have to run from it. You’re no longer dodging it.

“And forgiveness. Learning to forgive yourself little by little.”

We’ve talked about a lot of different components, and recovery, your own personal recovery journey. I want to talk about the role that self-love plays in this for you. Maybe in comparison to where you were in your addiction. Where are you today with self-love?

“It’s still a work in progress. I was struggling with addiction for 14 years. I’m not going to come out of all of those feelings I had in three. Self-love? I do love myself a lot more than I did back then. Knowing that I have people behind me makes me love myself even more. I always had that love. But I was just so numb to it for years. So knowing I have all of that behind me makes me want to love myself more.

“Doing work such as working with individuals. People in general make me love myself. One of my biggest struggles today is being too kind and not keeping enough kindness for myself. Loving everybody else and putting Jenny last.

“I have a lot of love for myself. I’m getting there. Some days are better than others, but I know when I lay my head down at night, one of my father’s favorite sayings is, ‘When you lay yourself down at night and close your eyes, it’s only you and your mind in there. You and your body.’ When I lay down at night, I have a good conscience. I know I did the best that I could throughout my day. I know I wasn’t hurting anybody, including myself. And I’m working on being pure.

“I have a lot of great qualities that I was told about for years, but I’m working on that. I love myself more than I did back then. It’s an everyday process. But I know I’m a good person. And I’m wholehearted. That’s what keeps me going, along with other components.”

That touches upon something I’ve learned and share when I have the opportunity to speak. When we avoid making ourselves uncomfortable and we numb ourselves and self-medicate, protect ourselves from being hurt, we end up closing ourselves off from the joy, the beauty, and the love and support that are there. You mentioned that you had love around you all that while, but you just couldn’t see it because you were in the state that you were in.

“Yeah, my mental state—numb, numb. I couldn’t feel anything. I feel things today, which is good.”

It’s part of being human, right? Feeling things.

“That definitely plays a big role in it [laughs]!”

Is there a favorite quote or a mantra or song lyric, or a piece of advice that someone has shared with you over the years, that you would like to share today?

“There’s a Subaru commercial. There’s a girl singing in the commercial. I can’t think of the song right now, hold on, it’s coming to me: ’take back my life song.’ You know what I’m talking about? That’s my song. Sorry I can’t remember the name of it. That’s it. There are a lot of words and lyrics in that song.”

I want to say it’s called “Fight Song”

“That’s it! Fight Song.”

What does it mean to you?

“The word fight. I’ve got a lot of fight in me. Prove I’m all right song. It’s not just proving I’m all right to other people, but to myself. I’ve always loved music, dancing. Music as a whole inspires me. The Right Song. That’s it.”

How has it felt to talk about these feelings and experiences with me today?

“It’s a great high. It’s a wonderful high. The reason why it’s such a wonderful high is because my body can feel, and my mind knows that this isn’t BS. I’ve said these similar words to people over the years. But when I would drive away or lay down at night, I knew that they weren’t real. To be able to sit here today, wholeheartedly, clean, not under any substance, feeling this, has been a wonderful experience for me. It’s been a great high. And I thank you for the opportunity.”

Do you think it’s possible by sharing your experience and your journey in this way that it could potentially inspire someone else who may be listening to it or reading?

“Absolutely. One hundred percent. I stand by one hundred percent the work that you’re doing, the work that we’re all doing for everybody who’s trying to help people by sharing their stories on this recovery road. Whether it’s just one word, one phrase, one picture, it can save somebody’s life, and it can really change and alter their way of thinking dramatically. And as I has said earlier in the interview, networking. This is therapy for me. Sharing my story. If I didn’t network, I wouldn’t have met you. If it wasn’t for Recovery University, I wouldn’t have met you. So it’s all about networking. Getting out there, striving for something that you want in life. Not having to go back and live that way. Having this opportunity today with you is therapy for me. I don’t even know if there is a price I could pay for a therapy session such as this.”

#recovery #opiod epidemic #overdose #mental health #courage #resilience #everyhearthasastorytotell

1 note · View note

ideocosmonaut · 6 years ago

Text

Would you rather date someone who had a car or a job? Ehh probably job.

What’s the most important part of a relationship in your opinion? Trust, perhaps?

Have you ever wanted to watch a scary movie with someone JUST to have an excuse to be close to them? Kind of

Be with someone cute and a jerk or ugly and kind? ugly and kind

Name a favorite of each: food, drink, color. Steak, Coke Zero, Gray or black

If you married rich and your spouse gave you $100,000 a week, what would you spend it on? Weekly short vacations. Maybe fly to a city every weekend and go on a shopping spree.

Name a favorite of each: book, movie, tv show. Harry Potter, Robocop, Seinfeld

If your best friend liked your ex, what would you do? I dont have an ex

if you had to choose between being blind or deaf which would you pick? Hmm. Maybe blind. I love art and music but my eyes get me into more trouble than my ears.

Name a LEAST favorite of each: food, drink, color. How boring. Onions, water, yellow

What do you spend most of your money on? Bills

What kind of underwear do you prefer wearing? Boxer briefs

If you were sat on a plane beside your favorite celebrity, what would you do? Probably nothing. Why would they want to talk to me? They’re probably really tired and just want to chill on the ride home. I mean, if I feel brave, maybe I’ll say hi and that I really love their work but that’s about it.

What would you consider to be the biggest insult to yourself? Any... insult?

What are five things you absolutely have to have in your dream house? A kitchen, a bathroom, a bedroom, a ceiling, walls...

If you could be reincarnated as any animal, which would you chose and why? Some kind of bird

What is your biggest pet peeve? Being wrongfully accused

Do you still watch cartoons? Sometimes

What movies could you watch over and over and still love? 80s and 90s comedies

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid? A cop. An astronaut

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling? yeah.

First concert? Flogging Molly, for a big name band. But I went to local shows in school

Tea or coffee? i like both.

Do you think you were well raised? Up until I was a teenager

How do you handle stress? not well.

Do you hide things well? Not really

If you had to choose between having one family member or 5 of your closest friends die who would you choose? I’d rather not. If I had to... family member. I’ve lost almost all of the good ones already anyway. And my friends are a precious few.

Do you see yourself ever being with someone you’ve been with before? No?

Would you rather live in a tiny apartment with 5 other people or a huge house by yourself that you felt was haunted? Huge house... if I didnt have to keep it up by myself.

How many piercings do you have? 0

Do you see yourself as a “good” person? No. No one is really good or bad. People are people. Everyone has their own ambitions. And a basic desire. People change all the time, nothing is set in stone.

Are your nails painted a dark or light color? N/a

Have you ever order pizza online? yes

What color was the last candle you lit? Cream?

Is there something written on your shirt right now? No

Is there a bookshelf in your room? no.

Do you own a treadmill? nope.

Have you ever signed up for a gym membership? yes.

What color was the last fish you had? Orangey

Is there a garbage can in your room? What color is it? Nah

Have you ever read in the bathtub? No

If you play the sims, do you download custom clothes, hair, etc? I imagine I would

Have you ever put ice cubes in milk? no.

Does your animal sleep with you? N/a

What do you use to remove your makeup at night? N/a

Do you have a favorite TV show that actually isn’t on air anymore Umm maybe. I think most of my favorites are still alive somewhere in TV land

Have you ever bought something off of iTunes? i don’t think so.

Have you ever had to wear a hairnet? nope.

Do you know how many pages the last book you read had? nope.

What day of the week does the laundry usually get done? Saturday

Do you use the Facebook chat often? daily.

Do you have any baby pictures of yourself on your computer? Nah

How many favorites do you have on youtube? hundreds

What channel is the food network? i dont have cable

Do you still write in pencil? sometimes

What brand is your foundation? n/a

What kind was the last chip you ate? Uhh doritos i think

Do you eat onion rings? not often but i love them.

When did you last go to the zoo? years ago

How many cardigans do you own? 1

What is your favorite song to play on guitarhero or rockband? none

What flavor of tea did you last have? Milos

Do you own a robe? yes

What was the last video you added to your favorites on YouTube? An upload of the new Puppet Master movie

Have you ever brushed your teeth and then drank orange juice? yeah

When was the last time you had pancakes or waffles? yesterday

Do you know anyone whose birthday is today? my step-mom

If you died right now, how would you feel about your life? I wouldn't exist so I wouldn't feel anything. That’s an upside. Can you imagine how bad you’d feel if you died? It’s a mercy we dont feel anything after.

Was the last person you texted under 18? no I dont believe any of the people ive texted are under 18

How many pairs of jeans do you think you have? like two

Do you like hoodies? yes.

When was the last time you attended a wedding? May?

Have you had alcohol this week? uhhhhhhhh nope actually

What windows are open on your computer right now? You mean tabs? This, FB, another Tumblr, and youtube

Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? yes Is there anything you are craving right now? affection

What’s the last thing you had to eat? rice and beef

Who were the last four people to text you? my dad, my step-mom, a couple friends

Do you have any morbid interests? nothing habitual

Do you know anyone whose birthday is tomorrow? no.

What was the last thing you found that you thought you lost forever? an earbud cover

Have you ever been to Times Square to watch the ball drop for the New Year? no

If you have a Twitter, do you use something else besides the computer to update your tweets? nope

Do you like potato salad? Ive never had one I liked

Who was the last person that apologized to you? my bff. It’s funny that I say sorry a lot but I dont hear it very often. only from him. hmm.

Have you ever driven and ended up running out of gas? no

When was the last time you uploaded pictures from your camera? months ago

Did you do the laundry today? yes

What was the reason behind the last time you stayed up all night? wasnt sleepy

Did you straighten or curl your hair last? n/a

Have you ever been off-roading? yes

Was the last number you added to your cell phone a guy’s or girl’s number? a restaurant probably

Do you enjoy being a tease? kind of. not too much.

Have you ever had a UFO sighting or a sighting of strange lights in the sky? nope.

Who was the last person you caught lying to you? eh i dont recall

How old were you when you were first pulled over by the police? umm 19 ish?

Do you have a webcam that’s built into your computer or did it come separately? n/a

Was there ever a time that you lived on an island? I am an island. Shut up, Ben Howard.

Have you ever made a time capsule? I did in school

When was the last time you drank out of a champagne glass? long time ago

What was the last casino you went to? N/a

Does it flood easily where you live? kind of

Let’s start out blunt, have you had sex in the last 12 hours? nope.

Are you wearing something that belongs to someone else? no.

Does anything hurt on you? my foot

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? maybe

Do you look at the keyboard when you type? sometimes

Does it bother you when people respond to you with one word? not really

Will you be up before 7:00 a.m. tomorrow? yes, many times

Do you like MySpace? i did back when it was popular.

Do you like glitter? its ok

Is there anyone you’d like to apologize to? my mom

What’s the closest thing to you that’s liquid?

my... pee?

Are your toe nails painted pink? no.

Will you be in a relationship in 4 months? no... I mean, i doubt it? maybe? who knows.

Are you excited for Saturday? I was until I hurt my foot

What are you listening to right now? Game Grumps

What is the most exciting place you have been to this year? Gatlinburg

The shirt you’re wearing, does anyone else have it? possibly

Are you gonna be home tonight? yes.

Do you feel awkward when strangers say hi to you? not if it stops there

Are you easily scared at horror films? not easily

If there was a large spider in the room, what would you say? Depends on how large and what kind

Do you have good memories with old friends? of course.

How are you feeling right now? in pain

Have you ever skipped school just because you were tired? oh yeah

How many friends do you have that have never smoked? a few

Is there someone you used to talk to every single day that you don’t talk to anymore? yes.

Are you missing someone? yes.

Did you have a dream last night? probably, i just don’t remember it.

Is it okay if you kiss people when you’re single? of course, as long as they’re single too.

Who did you last talk to on the phone? my dad

Have you held hands with anyone today? no.

Do you drop your phone a lot? nah

Your last ex says they never even liked you. You say? You dont exist?

When was the last time you saw your father? last weekend

Are there certain things that can’t be joked about with you? Hmm. that’s a tough one. I use humor to cope a lot but I always try to remain within certain guidelines around certain people. it’s a lot to keep up with. Me? I can laugh at almost anything. Im pretty numb to most things. It doesnt come from a place of disrespect, but a need to laugh.

Would you say you’re an understanding person? mostly.

How is your life currently? it sucks.

What are you doing tomorrow morning? sleeping

Do you want to see somebody right now? sure.

How many people have you liked in the past 8 months? just the one.

Have you ever done anything illegal? yes

Would you rather spend a whole day with your mom or your dad? mom

What’s currently bothering you? my foot. looming anxiety over possibly being fired. being totally alone.

Have you thought about an ex today? no.

Are any of your friends taller than you? yes.

Did you do anything productive today? yes.

Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? To relive certain things, maybe. Barry Allen taught me not to fuck with the timeline

Today, did you hug a person you have feelings for? no

Do you wish at 11:11? nah

Are you currently in a relationship? no

Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? apparently they are everything

Think of the last person who said “I love you” to you. Do you think they meant it? I guess.

Have you ever made someone laugh when they were crying? yes.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? yes

If you could move somewhere else, would you? Depends but im mostly for it

Has a boy/girl called you babe or baby today? no.

How long were you with your last bf/gf? never

Would you ever let a girl/boy put you through hell and back? probably. im ripe for the abuse.

Have you ever gone out with anyone older than you? no

Do you think you will ever be married? probably not

Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? yes. that’s life

Is it possible to be single and happy? temporarily

Last time you wore something that didn’t belong to you? idk

Has anything happened in the past month that made you really happy? aside from food, not really.

What’s something you’ve always wanted to say to your ex? n/a

How much money did you spend today? $0

Are you a rude person? to people who are rude

Would you ever think about painting your ceiling your favorite color? no.

What’s something you’re excited for? Cyberpunk 2077

Does cuddling freak you out? A little. I dont like not being able to move

What do you think of maxi dresses? idk

What did the last text in your inbox say? From who? my phone’s in the other room...... >_>

What would you do if you saw a guy hit a girl? Call the police.

Have you ever gambled? yes.

Do you use tobacco products? not anymore

Would you ever go a week without showering? only if i had to

Would you ever date someone with a different skin color than you? Yeah

#survey #asks #but no one asks #so whatev

2 notes · View notes

barblebapkins · 8 years ago

Note

every question (that you wanna do) 👀👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

im gonna try to answer as many of these as i can, get ready to learn more about me than you wanted to!

1. Who was the last person you held hands with? i dont even remember, probably my ex ~4 years ago

2. Are you outgoing or shy? very shy hahaha it keeps me from forming relationships with people!

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing? my friend and co-worker who’s been gone for a few weeks

4. Are you easy to get along with? i think so?? i dont think i’m annoying or asshole-ish

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? who again

6. What kind of people are you attracted to? romantically, people who i click with personality-wise

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? no?? i’ve been in the same fucking rut for years now what would change in the next two months

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind? nobody in particular

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? depends, in general no not really, when i’m being asked about it specifically, yes it does

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? i feel sad that i cant remember this one lmao

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say? me thanking a co-worker for covering for me yesterday

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? i dont even know anymore i’m just listening to numbing void shit recently

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? it doesnt really bother me, my cousin used to do it. i’ve been keeping my hair short enough where theres not much to play with though

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles? kinda? i need more room/time than this questionnaire to go into detail about it

15. What good thing happened this summer? the summer just started so i dont really know yet?? but my family is leaving for like a week so i’ll have a whole empty air-conditioned house to myself!!

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? hasnt happened yet!

17. Do you think there is life on other planets? who doesnt

18. Do you still talk to your first crush? that didnt turn out well so no

19. Do you like bubble baths? i havent taken a bath in general in a long time (i always shower) but i wouldnt mind one,,,

20. Do you like your neighbors? i dont know them very well, the people to our left have known our family since my dad was a kid but i never really talk to them

21. What are your bad habits? i drink too much soda and sleep late

22. Where would you like to travel? honestly anywhere, i just want to travel. maybe italy, see where my family is from

23. Do you have trust issues? is the sky blue

24. Favorite part of your daily routine? coming home after work and taking a shower is like a blessing from god

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? surprisingly none of it. my height is still something that bothers me now and then, but i’ve come to accept everything at this point

26. What do you do when you wake up? if i have work, get ready for that. if not, go back to SLEEP

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? i wish i didnt sunburn so easily

28. Who are you most comfortable around? *points at lazypurple staff discord* they are my closest friends at this point

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up? no lol

30. Do you ever want to get married? i’d like to one day yes

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail? i just had it cut yesterday so no, and it wasnt before that either

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? none?? what the fuck

33. Spell your name with your chin. dfghZn (not even close)

34. Do you play sports? What sports? none sports

35. Would you rather live without TV or music? i watch almost no tv besides keeping up with SU, which i do online anyway

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them? yes

37. What do you say during awkward silences? nothing?? isnt that why theyre awkward silences??

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in? i like book stores and also antique stores upstate

40. What do you want to do after high school? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? situational. if someone did something shitty on purpose and meant to harm me, i’d have a hard time putting it behind me tbh

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean? 50/50 i’m either sad or zoning out

43. Do you smile at strangers? yes!! i try to be as nice to everyone as possible, there isnt enough of it out there

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean? i thought this would be a hard decision but space was almost immediately the answer

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning? the amazon echo i bought the other day wakes me up at 7 am every morning heha

46. What are you paranoid about? literally everything

47. Have you ever been high? no

48. Have you ever been drunk? nop

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? no not really i am a good egg

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? i dont wear hoodies often but my favorite coat is a dark greyish color

51. Ever wished you were someone else? someone in particular, no, but a different person in general

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself? my paranoia and depression, it literally ruins everything i ever want to do or say

53. Favourite makeup brand? i dont?? know

54. Favourite store? i dont actually shop there but whenever i pass by yankee candle its like a scent explosion

55. Favourite blog? all of my mutuals!!

56. Favourite colour? #0A3210

57. Favourite food? i honestly can not get enough of grilled shrimp its the only seafood i tolerate

58. Last thing you ate? b0rger

59. First thing you ate this morning? i had a honeycrisp apple on the way out the door to work

60. Ever won a competition? For what? dont think so, nothing worth remembering anyway

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what? nope good egg

62. Been arrested? For what? good egg

63. Ever been in love? yes

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss? never happened hahaha

65. Are you hungry right now? yes i need to find food but this questionnaire is DISTRACTING ME

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends? i dont have tumblr friends lmfao, but i love my friends on discord more than anyone else

67. Facebook or Twitter? i dont use either anymore

68. Twitter or Tumblr? tumblr i guess though i HATE it

69. Are you watching tv right now? nop i dont have tv in my room

70. Names of your bestfriends? @mutuals from lazypurple staff discord 😍

71. Craving something? What? food andattention

72. What colour are your towels? we have a bunch of colored towels without rhyme or reason

72. How many pillows do you sleep with? just one, i used to have two but my brother STOLE IT

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? no but my styrofoam gordon freeman standup from comic-con keeps watch while i slumber

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? none, just gordon

75. Favourite animal? i used to love snakes when i was a kid and i still do

76. What colour is your underwear? black with red and white stripes

77. Chocolate or Vanilla? choc

78. Favourite ice cream flavour? what did i JUST say

79. What colour shirt are you wearing? im still in my red five guys work shirt whoops

80. What colour pants? blue denim jeans cos i havent changed yet

81. Favourite tv show? i used to watch game of thrones but stopped caring about it, all i really watch is steven universe when a new ep comes out

82. Favourite movie? i watched up the other day and remembered how much i love it

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2? there was a mean girls 2??

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street? i have not seen either in a very long time

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls? ^

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo? bruce the shark is an underrated character

87. First person you talked to today? my dad i think?? im tired in the morning leave me alone

88. Last person you talked to today? today is not over but i spoke to friedn in discord a little while ago

89. Name a person you hate? *looks in the mirror*

90. Name a person you love? *looks at discord* how many times are you gonna make me give the same answer

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? me!!!

92. In a fight with someone? not at the immediate present but there are people i wouldnt mind not running into

93. How many sweatpants do you have? i think like three for four pairs but i only wear them in the winter

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have? i dont really wear sweaters or hoodies

95. Last movie you watched? up, a few days ago

96. Favourite actress? i dont really keep track

97. Favourite actor? ^

98. Do you tan a lot? no

99. Have any pets? a dog whom i love

100. How are you feeling? i was feeling okay when i started this and slowly descended into a mild sadness along the way lmao

101. Do you type fast? pretty fast i think, havent taken a test in a while

102. Do you regret anything from your past? where do i begin

103. Can you spell well? above average i think

104. Do you miss anyone from your past? i sometimes sort of miss my ex, but then i remember that i dont need her

105. Ever been to a bonfire party? yes, once a year

106. Ever broken someone’s heart? no, not that i know of

107. Have you ever been on a horse? yes actually! it sucked

108. What should you be doing? still havent eaten!

109. Is something irritating you right now? my headache

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? y eah

111. Do you have trust issues? ?? didnt they already ask this like 40 questions ago

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? i dont cry in front of people

113. What was your childhood nickname? ry-bread

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state? yes, but never left the east coast

115. Do you play the Wii? not in a long time, but i’ve been meaning to get a gamecube memory card and play wind waker again

116. Are you listening to music right now? nop, headache hurts too much

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup? yes kinda, i dont like soup a whole lot but chicken noodle is one of the ones i do like

118. Do you like Chinese food? yes

119. Favourite book? i was never much of a book reader anymore but i loved what i read of sherlock holmes

120. Are you afraid of the dark? no i love the dark

121. Are you mean? no!! im good! i think,

122. Is cheating ever okay? no, people put their trust and faith in you, and taking that for granted is one of the worst things a person can do

123. Can you keep white shoes clean? probably not?? i dont wear white shoes though

124. Do you believe in love at first sight? not really, i think it takes time and effort

125. Do you believe in true love? yes i do

126. Are you currently bored? i wouldnt be taking this if i wasnt

127. What makes you happy? feeling secure and cared about!!!!

128. Would you change your name? nah im ok with it

129. What your zodiac sign? leo

130. Do you like subway? no it sucks. jersey mikes is the same thing but so much better

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? dont know?? cant relate

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? yeah this quiz is repeating questions to take up space

133. Favourite lyrics right now? hehe i listened to a song sung by christine ebersole (the supposed voice of white diamond) and the lyrics are stuck in my head

134. Can you count to one million? is this a question of ability or will?? cos i can but i will not

135. Dumbest lie you ever told? idk off the top of my head and do Not feel like thinking back on stuff like that rn

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? closed

137. How tall are you? like 5′3′’ or 5′4′’ or something

138. Curly or Straight hair? no preference all hair is good hair

139. Brunette or Blonde? no preference

140. Summer or Winter? i dont like either, but if i had to choose, winter cos i hate being sweaty

141. Night or Day? night

142. Favourite month? october is BEST

143. Are you a vegetarian? no im vegan

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? dark pls

145. Tea or Coffee? i dont drink either really but if i know i hate coffee so tea i guess

146. Was today a good day? i guess, im tired though

147. Mars or Snickers? i hate peanuts so i guess mars

148. What’s your favourite quote? I have bad news, guys. I’m steven…

149. Do you believe in ghosts? yes! one tried to suck my DICK

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? i got my old four swords manga but it doesnt have PAGE NUMBERS fuck this question

#quiz #thanat0ast #thank u for questions #this was tiring and a bit depressing to think back for some questions but im glad i did it #now i need FOOD!!!!!!!!!

1 note · View note

leaving-all-of-it · 8 years ago

Text

I guess everything is somewhat catching up with me or something, I dont know.

I’m so tired.

I was looking for something to eat a while ago for a snack, and idk I just sat down and looking around my new little place (no longer at the shelter now) and I sat there and cried. I dont even know what I feel. I don’t know how to process what I feel.

I dont know how to even think honestly, everything just feels.. weird. Foggy and heavy and overwhelming. Tense. It all feels tense inside my whole body. And on the verge of panic, it feels like. Obviously anxiety spiked up a ton.

I don’t think I did ever cry at the shelter... did I ? hmm. I feel like maybe I did once. I dont remember when. or what over. But I definitely dont think more than that once.

And it wasn’t in the initial first days I got there either. Despite how terrified I was the first night there. How badly I just wanted to go “home” and wanted my old bedroom and bed back. How close to tears I was. I didn’t end up crying that first night. Even though it was so scary crawling into that shelter bed that night; stretching out my bathrobe underneath me to try and soften the bed even a little. I didn’t cry even though someone stole my pillow the second day. I was just disappointed and irritated.

I didnt cry when I was so freaked out hearing back quickly from the transitional housing place (where I am now) thats connnected with the shelter. I was freaking out that I didnt feel ready to leave the shelter yet.

idk.

I dont know what Im feeling. I dont know what Im thinking. Everything just feels like a heavy foggy weight all over my body and mind and breathing feels weird. The breathing part I absolutely know is anxiety. Its a very familiar feeling. its how bad anxiety feels for me most of the time. an uneasiness in my stomach, discomfort and almost.. jittering in my back and shoulders. tension everywhere. tension that feels like buzzing or jittering.

I guess its probably everything catching up with me.

im trying to gather my thoughts and put words to the feelings or make sense of any of it.

when I was crying on the floor curled up looking at my lonely little apartment, my mind was like.. swimming. i dont think racing quite describes it because it was.. idk more muddled than that. thoughts and feelings just swam around and so many slid past like covered in thick fog or something. couldnt quite fully catch what the feelings were just vague thoughts about everything. things from dad being dead, having lived at a shelter, the fact im here now, guilt over maybe not deserving this assistance Im getting since my situation was loadss better than other women ive met and I have a nicer apartment here than some of them, fear of living alone, knowing my dad would be very disapproving of who I am today an so much that ive done and believe, the fact I was abused as a kid and everything

idk

im so tired

ive been getting to bed so late lately

im trying to slowly grasp some sort of sense of normalcy and create some sort of routine. now that im in an apartment and not the shelter. at least there there was the routine of lunch and dinner at set times. already made. just show up and have some and eat with the other women and socialize. after a while it wasnt so bad there most of the time, even when my days varied greatly it felt more routine and okay

but now its like... I have to move on with my life I guess. its not longer like crisis... im in an actual house. its mine. for now. so now I have to find something to... DO with my life. Im not working or in school. I need to find stuff to fill my time, some way to create a routine and not go crazy.

I also have plenty of STUFF I have to do... even besides all the stuff of moving in and settling in and moving stuff out of storage etc etc. gotta update my health card, send a letter off to pensions, change my addresses, get a dentist appt next week!! which I am also so freaked out about

I have to learn to budget properly and figure out supporting myself on the little I have from social assistance. feed myself on it. cook, actually eat what I cook. eat healthily. clean up after myself and stay organized.

idk

eerything is so much

its really scary and weird feeling the space im in right now

not technically in crisis anymore but... just this weird limbo where im almost in shock im not at the shelter anymore and now life has to go on somehow. i have my OWN place which is exhilerating but also... terrifying. im an adult. im REALLY an adult now. I have to REALLY be an adult now. I have to be EXTRA all grown up, and live on my own.

idk

everything is so scary. im so scared. i am SO overwhelmed. Ive been kind of numb last little bit I guess and since moving in tuesday. Ive also been somewhat keeping busy. out shopping for groceries all day wedndesday. getting food from moms thursday.

it gets lonely here in the evenings though. and boring. but like.. the weird depression boredom too. where its hard to feel enjoyment from anything. prison break isnt even really keeping me interested at all right now. managed about half of a walking dead episode before losing all interest in it too.

Outsiders fanfictions are the only thing really keeping me going right now. and im also almost constantly listening to music. to keep some noise while here alone and not feel so lonely and stuff. I dont want quiet. need that noise.

im so tired.

i should probably go sleep.

at least I like my bed. its not really comfortable right now until I invest in a real good foam topper, but its a DOUBLE bed which is a novelty for me since ive always had a single bed. I decorated it all nice too and since I dont have curtains yet for over the blinds in my bedroom ive been hanging towels from the top bunk around my bed to keep it dark and that feels nice and secure. so I do like my bed. the bedding they gave me is so pretty too. and I have 4 pillows now. its really nice. its still hard to sleep lately though. hence goign to sleep so late. I stay out of bed completely until im exhauuusted and cant do it anymore. usuallyl still play around on my phone for too long after getting in bed too though

sigh

idk

i guess i should go soon

getting more stuff I need from moms for over here tmrw

mom and best friend havent seen it yet. excited for mom to come see it. dont really want best friend to sleep over for a while yet though. i feel like I really need to get adjusted to being here first. alone. the way I had to at the shelter. it took a few weeks but I did. and I know I need that now too.

alright I guess better stop now.... idk what else to say

this was just kind of a total freewrite blab since I was freaking out intenrally after crying i feel like such crap

i feel al ittle better putting some stuff down now just it in my head

i hope someone reads it I guess

if you do like please maybe? just so I know and feel a little heard or something idek

#she speaks #dont reblog #like if you read all of it

4 notes · View notes

iwishnomore · 5 years ago

Text

there are mostly civilians in the camp people and kids that wouldnt be able to defend themselves well so V gets put there with a handful people to keep an eye out for them and

the camp gets in trouble with some other grp that take their supplies away before they can pick them up

so these people seem to have their base close to that camp and V being V wants to investigate and see if these guys are just talking big or if they really can take the camp out like they say if the camp doesnt pay to get THEIR OWN STUFF back sneaking her way to those people its not only clear that these guys are full of shit- but they also have beef with each other in their own little gangster grp

she witnesses how they basically ruin themselves drinking, fighting and taking their compadres out so problem solved itself u may think as V suprise hits the last guy standing who is just happy he has a lot of shit to live off of

so while she checks how much of the supplies these greasy guys had their hands on already she gets surprised by a RANDOM LOL patrol of aliens (what kawa u drunk go home)

seems those guys had their stuff a little too close to a checkpoint and the noise they made when they killed each other resulted in alien troops coming to check what the shit is going on

So far, V’s day is a rollercoaster of ups and downs she gets wounded on her leg but manages to take out 2 out of 3 aliens

hunter shows up and oh boi does she like him but also she does not trust him bc the last time he just dissappeared after she helped him and he helped her and now she thinks that he might just go ahead and kill her rollercoaster down so to speak he shoots the last alien saying something along the lines of ‘this one I am taking care of myself~’ meaning her, obv and she thinks its her last seconds lol so while she scrambles backwards and he casually walks towards her ANOTHER PERSON SHOWS UP

so in case u cant already tell from my rambling: ASSASSIN shows up- turns out hunter has ignored the elders call and she came to check up on her annoying brother lol he reacts quickly, making sure she doesnt notice V V IS HELLA CONFUSED BUT WHY NOT while they 'talk things out’ (rather get onto each others throat pretty much immediately) she takes her leave slowly and bleeding bc of that darn wound on her leg she tries to stop the bleeding and cover her tracks

not trusting her own ability and fearing that she might get followed anyways once her absence at the scene is noticed she avoids going straight to the camp doing all the indiana jones things she even wades thru a friggin river ….that rollercoaster keeps spiraling down eh?

tired, scared, bleeding and now also soaking wet and without her jacket bc thats what she used to get rid of the blood that might drip from her leg, pants,shoes whatevs and the supplies still are theoretically lost meh so she ends up exhausted somewhere in the woods like at this point V doesnt even care? she’s gonna do something …right after she rested her eyes for a minute mind u u.u bad idea

no amount of wading thru water and trying not to bleed everywhere helped and who shows up with the most satisfied shit eating grin under the sun? aye u might have guessed it hunter wastes no time telling her all the things she did wrong while funnily enough he also without explanation or anything he just inspects her wound and does some funny psi stuff this rollercoaster is confusing V is angry, she is pissed at herself and him of course- scolding her and gloating abt how she messed up but she is also confused af werent they done with helping? shoudltn he be just …skinning her alive or some shit since thats what they say he did to some people or maybe roast her

on a kebab stick but there he is

numbing the pain in her leg somehow and deciding that she needs to get somewhere else if she had more energy she might have tried to resist

but as things are nothing stops him when he picks her up (not elegantly in the least i might mention) and starts off to who knows where

so however much time passes V has no idea but it feels like not more than 5 minutes have gone by….then again…who knows…she might have fallen unconscious somewhere along the way

she gets plopped down and its soft wherever this is it looks better than anything she knows

she is so dumbfounded by her surroundings she doesnt even talk back at first when he tells her to get out of the wet clothes

she’s in the middle of stripping down all the while still oggling the room with the sleek surfaces and the outrageously comfy looking bed…how dare they…whoever owns this place should get beaten with a stick

so before her undies fall she snaps out of her thoughts and wants to yell at him Buuuut he is nowhere to be sen seen* ok so off with the undies

V wraps herself in a blanket and (WHY IS IT SO SOFT HOW DARE THEY)

V is still taking in the room wrapped in that blanket, her clothes sprawled over a now-not-pristine-white-anymore chair this room looks pretty but empty like someone had planned to live here

its pretty and empty and although the matress she sits on is insultingly cozy and the blanket a dream come true….its still cold and V has to make a concious effort to stop her teeth from chattering where the fuck did 'he’ go tho for a moment V imagines complete strangers entering the room to see a freezing V sitting on their bed and wrapped in their blanket

thats funny almost the whole situation is ridiculous

V is ready to walk back to that chair and wring herself into those wet clothes again

leaving this place and probably dying of hypothermia outside sounds just as bad as sitting here and waiting for kingdom come this is way too similar to the last time she was stranded with this guy speaking of which maybe he already left

with her bare feet she slowly tip taps thru the room, checking windows and closets and making her way to the only door in sight the second her fingers make contact with the handle the door opens

'gotcha. nessing with the doors again.’ messing* (lol jk) no lights for now he says but the place will warm up eventually theres electricity

he somewhat inores her °_° face and walks past her and she cringes when she realizes he goes straight to her stuff V almost trips over herself to make sure he cant get a hold of anything what are you doing making sure these will dry- or would you rather have them stay wet I dont mind you like this [insert rude smile here] so the clothes get taken care of

its still cold V is still confused by his charitable behaviour wtf is he thinking wtf is SHE thinking she completely forgot abt the whole 'he is gonna kill me’ story so, with newly found waryness she starts asking questions why help me why follow me why not kill me

whose place is this we gotta remember last time they met was when she helped him and he taunted her

and she bluntly spat out that she doesnt know why she does it but whats so wrong with that- maybe she just cant help it- maybe its not her fault she likes this guy so he pulls up a chair in front of her, sits down on it, his arms on the back of it whats so wrong with that i cant help it- its your fault

nothing else he grins he is fucking crazy and V isnt so sure but it almost felt like he could have said he liked her she huffs

i could have killed you countless times you snuck right thru those wannabes today like it was nothing but you wouldnt do that to me (ah so he had watched her? hello stalker how are u today) just like u cant hide your tracks or take care of yourself

her motions at her- probably talking abt her leg which is not helaed just not hurting bad very bad in fact bed and blanket have a nice new decal in rusty red by now (I SHOULD GET BETTER AT SHIT LLIKE THIS BUT WHATEVS)

'so you dont kill me you rather lecture me abt how unable i am to stay alive by myself?’ V is showing her best side today but oh well

maybe its the rollercoaster maybe its the whole situation

so V is ready to argue but hunter isnt in the mood lol he rather laughs at how its so easy to get her riled up

and he gets over to her mentioning something about her big ego in such a tiny body no wonder she got in trouble before he gets uncomfortably close but only to take care of her leg AGAIN

this time she struggles because 1 she is shamefully aware of her nudity under that blanket 2 he has zero problems pushing her from left to right as if she was a doll not funny so he manages to take care of the wound (i will just claim that he can do it with psi so ….pls dont slaughter me) and it only leaves a thick line of fresh pink skin on her leg- no wound but that pink skin is not nearly as pink as her face would be…if it wasnt so cold

seems the warmth he spoke abt earlier is still not coming around?

he had helped her with warmth before so why not do it again only this time she has no clothes and if he hasnt seen her blue lips from the cold he has definitely felt how icy her leg still was so off goes the armor

after the armor drops his hood drops he even takes off that sleeveless shirt

okay now Vs face definitely gets SOME shades pinker and not bc she is suddenly feeling less cold 'what the hell are u doing she scoots as far back on the bed as possible but OH MAN DOES SHE STARE

this guy is toned no weird alien anatomy apart from a slight difference in proportions but man lean and toned no wonder he picked her up like an acorn or a feather or whatever else V can come up with as a comparison 'so shy all of a sudden’ its true

V is staring with big eyes but not a single word comes out of her mouth as he comes closer he is not completely unclothed and its not like she hasnt seen men before but its different when u have to admit that u wanted to see something…and then like it too much when u do although u really neither shouldnt want to see it nor like it should/shouldnt whatever V knows this is wrong on more than one level

last time he’d had the blanket and she had bedgrudgingly come to him this time she has the blanket

and she wishes she could hide in it

she tenses up as his chest touches her cheek and his arms pull her close. he says something about deja vu and her being like a stray kitten but V doesnt listen last time his clothes had been like a shield between them this time her cheek presses against his skin

so they are, once again, in this position

V finds herself relax after a while bc feeling him like this and having the scent of his skin in her nose is getting her drowsy her head is filled with clouds and there is this incredibly need to nuzzle into him how to resist this is the most cruel seven minutes in heaven she has ever taken part in normally this would feel like the moment to do all the things and her heartbeat is saying just that nuzzle deeper breathe in this scent some more feel his skin

put your arms around this man instead she sits there like a marble statue but if she brushes her cheek against his skin just a little bit he wont notice right? he wont notice if she inhales a tiny bit longer than neccessary right?

would he notice if she moved a little, not much, just to feel his warmth some more and to lean into this not-really-embrace some more? shifting carefully and only a little was the plan

but when she feels his hands on her back move as well —her body moves as if on its own and she stretches and shifts enough to bury her face in the nape of his neck. …good job V. Very subtle she can barely hold back from sighing

it doesnt matter tho bc as if some silent agreement between them took place right as her fingertip gingerly move across his collarbone and to his jawilne one of his hands finds the back of her neck and guides her u.u and it happens no taunting no arguing no words at all

just warmth and silence and locked lips in a kiss

one kiss becomes two kisses three four each one greedier than the one before

bodys pressing against each other as if trying to melt into each other, hands roaming and breathless sighs gasping for air

V’s arms are wrapped around his neck, the blanket she was holding onto forgotten, her mind a mess, filled with the haze of want and a deep longing for his touch skin aginast skin

he is either gifted with natural talent or simply knows how to kiss and touch his hands are big and warm and they hold her tightly one more kiss they pause theres maybe 5milimeters between them none of them willing to let go

catching their breath

V feels a simmering ache between her thighs…and his arousal…well its obvious this is wrong no more she thinks but hesitantly places yet another kiss on his lips to betray her own thoughts there is not a hint of his usual smug smile on his lips the playful shimmer in his eyes she has seen so often is nowhere to be found

he is thinking

he bites back words as she kisses him again a chaste kiss on the lips and his fingertips gently caress the back of her head as he kisses back

with her hand against his chest she can feel that his heart is hammering just as fast as hers

He leans forward pushing V onto her back and into the heap of pillows behind her

with the blanket barely covering her nether regions she lies there, cheeks flushed and her hands timidly pulling back to cover herself. He is towering over her. V had almost forgotten how tall he is while kissing him- every touch had felt so natural so right. This view is a little intimidating to her….and exciting as well. The look on her face brings the smile back on his lips

he sits up, now kneeling between her legs. 'Now you’ve done it…’ he trails his hand over her healed thigh, his fingertips lightly brushing over the soft patch of pink. ’…your fault if you regret this..’ swift movements of his free hand undo his pants while the other hand disappears underneath the blanket covering V.

There was no denying it. V’s was dripping wet from the kisses and body contact alone…she’d felt the growing bulge in his pants. She couldn’t even think straight seeing it now although it was still hidden underneath the thick layer of fabric. Her eyes were transfixed on his hand on the pants hemline above it. V wanted him. Possible regrets or not.

She only realized where his other hand was wandering to when he slipped a finger between her wet folds. HE dragged his finger along the narrow path from her entrance to her clit and back, then teased her entrance, drawing circles around the overflowing heat- dipping into her from time to time ever so slightly but always leaving her wanting for more. He had her mewling and writhing in no time. Everytime she bucked her hips to meet his fingers he pulled back to deny her the pleasure she was seeking so depserately. Deeper. She wanted to feel it deeper inside. Sweet torture…. ’….please….’ It was a whimper so small and shy it was almost inaudible. The heat inside of her was unbearable. The small plea that had escaped her lips giving away how helplessly needy he had made her for him. With a low chuckle and a satisfied hiss he removed his hand from her fully. V bit her lip. She WAS like a stray kitten. Needy and outright begging. And now she had given herself away like an idiot as well. Yes, she wanted him. Maybe had wanted him from the start. Now he knew. And he would reject her. She closed her eyes, ready to hear the taunting and teasing. Oh silly human….why would he want you…. She waited for the words but they didnt come. Instead, the matress shifted. Movement. (would he leave her here like this??) V peeked through her lashes . He looked godly. Broad shoulders, sleek collarbones, smooth skin, defined abs. The lower her eyes wandered the more she asked herself what was not perfect abt him…he had strong hip bones as well…and even lower… The Hunter was moving slowly, he could tell she’d have her eyes on him. Some freedom from the tight pants was much needed and he smirked at her small gasp when his already leaking erection was revealed. He removed the last bits of clothing before he returned his attention to her…and his needs. His fingers were still wet from touching V when he wrapped them around his shaft. He was painfully hard and throbbing with arousal. There was nothing else he wanted more in this moment than burying himself deep inside of her.

0 notes

somedaypast-thesunset · 7 years ago

Text

i spoke it out loud.

i spend like.. alot of time in my head now. no one cares to hear things without giving their dumbass opinion. sometimes i just need to say it out loud and today i opened up to a friend ive bonded very close with but havent been in alot of contact with which meant i had to explain scenarios from start to finish - not brief blips of anxiety fueled thoughts about details.

today i felt publically embarassed. it really, really bothered me that for all ive heard and listened to from him he bailed on my show that he volunteered to be apart of two fucking months ago. it wasnt like i forced him to be involved. i didnt even ask him like i wanted him to do it. it was very casual do you want to be apart of it - sure.

i dont think you understand. under all the shitty men ive stuck it out with being treated like a lesser human while building a reputation and skill in my field FROM FUCKING NOTHING while people fucking died and break ups i id nothing but GET FUCKING BETTER. not a god damn thing stopped me because i kept my personal life seperate.

but this didnt start seperate. and like i think he sees this as nothing when its fucking everything to me and im fucking tired of people seeing it as some junk hobby i do because im “unemployed”. and look - even i can see how fucked up it can be sometimes but people enjoy what i do. i give back to MY community which is compromised of atleast 100+ more people and giving back to a community is not defined in lare fucking numbers like i have to contribute to the whole of society. maybe i fucking am.

and i am really... im angry. im just straight up fucking angry and these things never even came up. none of this is questioned. he didnt insult me. he fucking BAILED which is probably the biggest insult of them all. like... i even brought up the fact he coul be about to cheat on me and i’m more pissed that he insulted me in such a way. do i have a fucking degree? do i pull a paycheck? no. but this is fucking valuable. i see it everytime my miserable piece of shit ass pulls together a gathering or event. the fucking city approached me because i created a product they wanted and for the fucking INTEGRITY of the community i stood up and offered my professional reputation on the line to do better. and you cant show up to a fucking 16 person event and read a god damn story? really? that is an embarassment on my behalf to my personal colleagues and god damnit i fucking live here and i have no choice but to work with this because i want better now not 5 years down the road when im all settled and everything is just a thing i do on the weekends. why cant i contribute now. why cant i build myself this way.

so even if you thin these colleagues are unworthy - you stepped into my fucking realm and you so deeply disrespect something i have built from nothing. my professional reputation is associated with your piece of shit fly by night ass and you know what? my fucking bad. i would never in a million years put up with this shit from anyone not puttin gtheir dick in me so this is absolutely ridiculous. i cant even tolerate this in myself any longer and i hope - honestly - i fucking hope you used this as a leaping point into your big break up because this is what’ll make it stick. right. because you “cant fuck someone else” to solidify an ending but you can assault me in multiple ways.

and we both fucking know. we both legitimately fucking know what happened and thats why were not fucking and thats why youre not trying. this - this is all just natural now. and when they ask me ill have to act dumb - oh i have no idea why hes just this crazy guy its what he does when we both know and this sick twisted brain turned to fucking shit. who rehashes such shit. i was with a guy for way fucking longer than almost any of my current peers and i am not fucking with him but you dont think we didnt grow up together? we ha a whole fucking lifetime together, really. i shared an entire thing that no one else fucking knows about but us but you think i ned to rehash that shit with him? fuck no.

ironic right. i wanted to say how toxic it is to be addicted to the past but i would know. i would fucking know the most and we’re all matthew mccougnhey in dazed nd confused addicted to the past to the nostalgia care free late teens early 20s but we’re fucking old and everyone else has grown up but us and we’re here in the ghettos of the wasted suburbs, drinking and smoking weed to numb the fact that we hit our peaks at 16.

do i even give a fuck? like i give A fuck. clearly. im thiining about it. but not in the sense that im hurt. like its some deep offense that he would do such things. i have never believed a word he has said about our relationship. i believe any mention of long term past next week is a fucking joke. but he’s also incredibly kind to me. an i dont think at all that he would carry on some “affair” in private - THATS not our deal.

i dont care that hes talking to her. the grief process is hard and this is a fucked up situation. that doesnt bother me. i think its super wrong to carry on a relationship with this person in close measures but finding a path through grief - whether 2,3,5 years; i get it. does he need to fuck her? nope. and i have had a strange enough relationship - i am not interested in carrying on one tht is knowingly false.

he told me he didnt love me a few weeks ago. before that in another major blow up he mentioned how that particular fight woul lead to a “scar” that woul sit on the relationship. not that it woud be brought up again but acknowledging that he was and is creating real scars emotionally and mentally. it’s not manipulative - i’m here of my own freewill, i deal of my own free will. and this happens not often enough to be a malicious attempt at control. and we dont talk about things. ever. an entire year where we have never spoken about the details of these things we both COMPLEteLY KNOW ABOUT. like we both know he kind of sexually assaulted me for real. and isay for real because of the nature of our relationship but we both strayed from the necessary things for such a relationship that wouldve led to this not even happening and i dont “blame” myself. i absolutely did not want to have sex with him. absolutely did not. i said i did not want to have sex with him. i said no. i did not physically stop him in any way because of the nature of our relationship and the disrespect of my own body as well as maybe a need for approval from him because i associate sex in an intimate romantic relationship as an expression of love from a sexual person. and its hard because i do legitimately feel asexual; i have no interest. i have actual no interest and i feign interest or find ways to be interested to a degree but i dont care. so i am in a position where i am frequently disconnectin from the physical act happening to my body because i may not even be necessarily enjoying it on that sexual level. to me its an appendage inserted in a hole and it’s kind of invasive and a really od experience with someone. like its just odd to do that with a person and share eachother like that - TO ME. but this is like fighting homosexuality. i cant argue a sexual persons desires.

so i enter a relationship already essentially to a technical definition being assaulted. im never truly having consensual sex because i have no desire but i guess i do consent to the invasion of my body. i dont disagree with it happening because if i love you i dont really care if thats your thing. its not that big of a deal. brushing your teeth, taking a shower. all just things you do. this is what a majority of eople do.

but we both fucking know. no matter how many times we had sex where it started with a playful no we both know i absolutely did not want this. my body did not even want it and he still kept going and i was not even making noise and he still kept going and the air was not right when it was over because he STILL KEPT GOING. i was not upset. i did not cry. i didnt lament for hours on it. i turned over and went to sleep because he didnt hurt me. he broke my trust. i’m not traumatized by the experience, i wont put him on the “bad boyfriend” list and make him out to be a predator because hes not. i dont know why he did this. maybe he thought it was okay and he convinced himself it was okay when it wasnt.

we didnt talk about this. we didnt mention it at all but when he heard no next time he immediately stopped. when he heard it again, he immediately stopped. and everytime after, his hands immediately dropped from my body. we both know. can he apologize? we both know. i know he knows. there is zero reason for this change in behavior.

the last time i saw him he drove me to his house so i could smoke weed because of period cramps. and then he dropped out. hes too far in the dog house now and hes not even going to try to get out. this is tooooooo far. on top of everything else when im literally doing nothing but existing in my own shit life. i already look at him now and i dont see the same thing and i want to. but i keep asking myself what the fuck is this where are we going. and ive asked it for an entire year. i asked it so much his face changed and im still the same because i have a need to not give up even when its time.

and you know. had he called me and said im tired/got home late/too much traffic /tried & failed on story and made a genuine effort to seem apologetic on a personal level to me id probably be okay. but instead he just said “sorry. not going.” and ignored all further calls and texts. thats disgusting and like im trying and have been trying really hard to mentally be a better person and this was one of those times he had an opportunity to not do this and he did exactly what i would expect him to do following a stupid message like that.

now what? now hes created a thing. now i gotta wait the fucking 2 - 3 days for him to think i forgot about it or am not as angry so we can sit in the same room, not talk about it and carry on as normal.

but you know what? i was pissed. and i ruminated. but i didnt act. i sent a succinct few messages less than 160 characters asking him to call me and asking if there was any way to get a ride and moved on because all i know is that he’s never goingt o be involved in any of my professional shit ever again. hes totally disbarred from this project and even though hes been a big supporter in the past i dont need this emotional drama involved. totally ot worth it an not valuable to anyone so i dont need a long message because im just going to do whatever i want an not involve him. he doesnt need a big dramatic thing about it. and fuck you that i cant even get a ride. why even waste the energy involved in the dramatic message. thats my message this time. my message is the time he absolutely 100% expects me to send the ramatic message.

0 notes

weareallfallengods · 5 years ago

Text

Reposting because I'm a disaster and don't know how to pin posts.

Survival

Inspiration: If you’re over 25 and haven’t done something remarkable, you are hunted down and killed. Some people invent things. Some make cures for diseases. Others become established members of their community. You’re pushing 30, and somehow not dead yet, even though you cant think of a single thing you’ve done thats remarkable in any way. Why aren’t you dead?

********************************************

But then one day, one specific day, the one I'd been dreading in the back of my mind for a year came around.

They found me.

And I was now 25.

Sometimes I was a baker, sometimes a delivery driver, even a dock hand. Whatever it took to make a buck so I could eat.

As I raised my cup of espresso, something slid under my door. "OK that's weird," I said aloud as I stood.

I believe we can help each other, if you're willing to listen to my proposition.

-Soon,

Baddar"

Well, this is interesting.

#survival #original story

0 notes