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dreamescapeswriting · 4 years ago

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BTS Reaction || He’s Your Older Brother and You Faint [Request]

A/N: Hope this is okay, I know you said award shows but I wanted to try and make them all different so I hope it’s okay!!

Seokjin:

Practising had taken over everything in your life for the last two weeks straight, you'd done nothing but eat, sleep and breath for practise and you finally felt like you were ready and that your group was ready.

"You look a little sick, you okay?" Your older brother Jin questioned when he came to see you backstage,

"I'm perfect." You told him and it was the truth, you were fine or at least, you felt fine.

"You ready?" A stage manager asked poking her head into your changing room, you took the microphone with your name on the front and went out to meet Hyunjin from stray kids. You were both presenting the MCountdown show and you had four performances to do as well during the show while Hyunjin had three you wondered how he and his members did it so much.

The greetings had gone by fine, so had the first three interviews and the first two of your performances were fine but as time went on you were starting to feel the effects of the lighting, lack of hydration and the constant feeling of being tired.

"Y/n I think you should wait, maybe have a drink or something," Hyunjin said as he watched you stumble towards the performance stage your legs were starting to feel like Bambi on ice but you knew that you had to push yourself through it, you were just a little tired that was all.

"Maybe we should stop and let someone else go first-" Your second in command said as she saw you walking towards her, you shook your head and assure them that you were fine and it was just a small headache you had.

"Next up we have Lovestruck!" The music started and you plastered the usually bright and happy smile across your face before singing the opening lines to your song. Jin watched nervously from the side of the stage, Hyunjin had gone to get him after the first performance when he saw you stumble and Jin agreed that he was worried about you as well, you glanced over at them for a second and then back to to the crowd. Your heel slipped and you stumbled down falling onto your knees and hissing as you scraped your knee along the floor before hitting your head on the side of the stage.

"Y/N!" Your maknae screamed out rushing to your side but you were already out cold before she got to you.

(X)

Jin stared at you as you woke up in the hospital bed, your hand raced to your head as the throbbing was making your eyes hurt.

"You told me you were getting enough rest-"

"Jin I know and I was but-"

"You told me that you could handle this life."

"I can Jin will you just let me explain-"

"Explain what?! How you passed out on live TV and are now sitting in a hospital bed being given fluids through a drip." You had no answer for him so you just stared at the bedsheets and then to him wondering what to say to him to make this easier on you.

"You told me that you could manage this Y/n, maybe this idol life is too much for you and you went into it all too quickly..."

"Too quickly?! Jin I've been training for seven years, I've had one slip up and it'll never happen again. I'm ready for this, we're ready for this and I know I let them all down but it will never happen again." He sighed looking at you as your frantically begged him to continue letting you do this, not that he would have a say in you being fired or let go from your group but he still had a big advantage since he'd been with your boss longer.

"You have one last chance and then I'm talking to Bang PD...You have to look after yourself." You nodded and he sighed looking at you as you relaxed back against the bed staring at your leg which was in a leg brace.

"You haven't broken anything, they put it on to try and keep it straight while you slept." You sighed in relief and laid your head back against the pillows behind you.

"I'll come and stay at your dorms for a couple of days to make sure you're resting and your members are looking after you." You scoffed at him knowing that wasn't the real reason he wanted to go and stay with you,

"You just want to stay because you're in looooveeee with our Maknae." You teased making his ears turn a bright red colour as he thought about her,

"Shut up." He grumbled going to get you something to eat from the cafe that was down in the entrance of the hospital.

Yoongi:

Your notes were all jumbled around in your hands to say you were nervous would be an understatement. You were about to go out in front of a lot of people and you were used to crowds and thousands of people looking at you, but they were usually your fans and not other idols who would be judging you as an idol from the moment you stepped out on stage.

"Please help me in Welcoming Min Y/N to the stage." Everyone in the venue began clapping and you walked out onto the stage smiling at people in the front row scanning them to find your older brother who was smiling at you to try and send you positive vibes.

"Hi! Sorry I'm a little nervous, as some of you know I'm new to the idol scene and I learnt everything but speeches from my older brother." Some of them laughed while others awkwardly waiting for you to continue on with the speech,

"Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who helped me achieve this award, thank you, mum, dad, Yoongi and my fans gosh you guys have been nothing but amazing to me from the very start." You began tearing up when you looked around, no one was looking impressed by your speech except Yoongi and the boys but it was doing nothing for your confidence.

"I erm...I wanted to just take a minute to talk about my boss as well, we all know she started this company on her own and I just think she's erm-" The lights seemed to be getting brighter and you could have sworn you heard someone laughing so you tried to focus on something else to distract you, your eyes began dancing around the arena to look but you found nothing that would work and you began to panic. Your heart started racing and Yoongi locked eyes with you knowing what was happening and you stepped backwards from the stage and Yoongi watched as you fell limp and people screamed.

"Y/n?!" He yelled sprinting out of the crowd and trying to get to the stage but you were being surrounded by medics all trying to do their job and make sure you were okay.

"Y/n!" He screamed out jumping to see over the shoulders of security who were trying to keep photographers back away from you.

"Yoong this way!" Hoseok yelled pointing to another part he could get through to get to you.

(X)

"Yoongi?" You whimpered as you woke up in his dorm bedroom, you'd spent a lot of your training years staying with him whenever you couldn't go back to your own dorm when other girls were there.

"You passed out, how are you feeling?" He questioned putting down a cup of hot chocolate on the bedside table and sat down beside you on the bed wrapping his arms around your shoulder as you sat up with your back against his headboard.

"I feel awful, my head hurts and my back?" He nodded explaining what had happened and why your back was hurting since you passed out you'd hit the stage floor hard.

"God, I must have looked like a real idiot." You groaned hiding your face in your hands and that was when he caught on to why you'd passed out.

"You fainted out of nerves didn't you, I told you to come to me if you weren't sure..." You stared down at your hands and nervously played with the sheets on the bed,

"I wanted to be able to do something without the help of my older brother...I guess I wanted to be a grown-up." He sighed pulling your head to rest on his shoulder and began talking to you about everything your new idol life was going to bring you,

"You just have to take it easy with things like this, don't push yourself too hard or you'll break like you did today...On the plus side your sales have increased since the fall went out online." You groaned as he teased you as only an older brother would and he laughed as you tried to hide under the sheets to get away from him.

Hoseok:

All of your members knew you hadn't been sleeping lately and it wasn't through lack of trying. Your insomnia had decided to make a return on the week of one of your biggest comeback seasons, you were performing at different shows, countdowns and doing variety shows.

"You should call Hoseok, maybe he can help with some tips?" Your maknae said when you walked into the room for the Running Man show, the set was empty except for your members and a couple of camera crewmen. You were all getting ready to film for the day and then head to a show right after to get some practising in before the big show.

"I'm fine. Hobi is busy anyway, I haven't been able to talk to him all week." You'd tried to talk to your older brother but you knew it was his comeback season as well and he was doing his best to keep up with their busy schedules.

"Morning ladies!" The producer said as he walked onto the set greeting you all and introducing himself,

"Today we'll be filming a collaborative episode and you'll be working with Y/n's brother and his band members." Your eyes followed to where the producer had been pointing and all of the exhaustion you had been feeling melted away at the sight of your older brother who was holding his arms open for you, you took off in a sprint jumping into his arms and smiling.

"I missed you!" You laughed as he span you around in the air before placing you down on the ground so you could hug the rest of the guys before returning to set.

"Battle of the Bands type of episode today, you'll be doing a dance-off, sing-off, rap off and then you'll give us a secret talent that you all have." The producer explained looking at the time before around the studio, the show would be starting in half an hour so you all had time to catch up or practice that you were going to be doing for the talent portion of the show.

"You better watch out Hobi, she's been practising her gymnastic routines." Your maknae teased Hoseok who laughed while staring at you, he noticed that you were staring into space and he knew it was one of the first signs of you not getting much sleep.

"How are you doing? You keeping up with schedules?" You snapped out of the daydream and nodded at him,

"Yeah, I just- I need to go and get something to drink." You lied quickly making an exit and going to find a vending machine to stand next to. You leant against the cold metal and closed your eyes trying to relax, the lack of sleep was starting to make your head hurt and you were feeling more and more tired as the time passed.

(X)

Hoseok poked your cheek until you woke up and you groaned pulling your hands to cover your eyes when you shot up and looked around.

"Shit, shit, shit." You raced to get out of the bed but Hoseok pulled you back and sat you down under the sheets. You looked down at your outfit and noticed you were still dressed in the school uniform for Running man.

"Hoseok I need to go, I have to perform for the show and then we have dance practice and then-"

"You haven't been sleeping, you barely eat anything and when you do it's nothing healthy I thought you said you were handling this and that you could do this lifestyle." You suddenly felt like a teenager getting in trouble by their father and you looked down at your hands, you were shaking from the lack of good food in your system and he handed you a fizzy drink.

"Get your sugar levels back up and then we're going to eat," He told you not wanting to hear anything else about it,

"Hobi I have practice tonight-"

"No you don't, you missed it. You've been asleep for the last 24 hours Y/n. Waking up to go to the toilet before passing out back to sleep." Your mouth fell open as he told you this and you looked at him, he looked worried about you and he groaned.

"I haven't told mum and dad yet I think they should hear it from you but you have to promise me that you'll start looking after yourself. You can't keep pushing too hard, you'll snap." You knew he was right so you sat back against the headboard and drank the drink he'd given you.

"Where are we going to eat?" He smiled softly at you before naming a bunch of places he'd seen on the way to your dorms.

Namjoon:

"How many times do I have to repeat this!?" Your leader yelled making you and the Maknae flinch as she began barking out orders for you and the maknae to get the newest dance moves right. You were performing at the grammy's which was a huge deal but instead of going with the regular routine with the song you were going to be singing your leader and choreographer had decided to throw in a whole new dance routine two days before you were to go on the stage and now was the final practise and you were still failing it.

"I've been at it for two days straight, I can't help it if it's wrong Mieko." She came closer to you and stared you in the eyes, you'd been awake for almost two days straight with the odd hour or two naps that you managed to get when you weren't breaking your neck to try and get her new dance perfect. It was her new dancer, after all, it was to showcase her the most since your managers and the group felt that she should always be front and centre of everything.

"Look, I won't cut you some slack just because you're Namjoon's little sister." She hissed at you before storming off backstage, Namjoon had seen the whole interaction but hadn't heard a single thing that was being said to you,

"Everything okay?" Namjoon questioned walking over and looking at you, you nodded faking a smile and throwing your arms around him and whispering him a good luck message. They were up for four grammies and you knew they were going to win,

"You look tired." You shook your head looking over at the maknae and feeling bad that she was still getting it bad from the leader as well.

"Practise, I'll see you tonight." He hugged you goodbye and you went over to your maknae helping her get her positioning right and then moving on to your own.

The performance was almost over and everyone was nailing it, the crowd were loving it and you could see how proud Namjoon was since he was all over the screens behind you, you were pushing through the headache you had due to the lack of sleep and you were doing your best to keep the dance steady when the room started to spin and you couldn't remember the next move.

"Y/n, what are you doing?" The maknae whispered but you stumbled over hitting the floor at the back of the group as you passed out.

(X)

"You're such a fucking idiot, you messed up on there! You're just lucky no one missed you or saw what happened." You leader barked at you backstage, the medic who was seeing to you stayed silent as she applied a cold patch to your neck where there was a pain.

"Excuse me but I would prefer it if you didn't talk to my sister that way," You looked over to see Namjoon standing there looking at you, his eyes fueled with anger as he looked at your leader.

"You're supposed to be the leader, you're supposed to look after them and guide them not scream at them for something that is out of control...No, actually, let me change that. Something that isn't her fault but your own." She stayed silent not knowing what to say to him,

"She passed out because she's done nothing but practice for the last two days straight, had about four hours sleep and barely ate anything so she could get this right for you and you treat her like this?!" His jaw clenched and you knew he was getting angrier to longer she stood there without saying anything,

"Namjoon, leave it." She left the room and Namjoon came to sit down next to you and question you on why you hadn't told him any of this was happening,

"How did you know it was happening," The door pushed open and your maknae stood there shyly looking at you before walking inside to check that you were okay.

"I'm going to find your manager, stay here and make sure she rests up." You rolled your eyes as he still treated you like a little girl, he kissed the top of your head before going back into scary overprotective older brother mode.

Jimin:

"You sure you're okay? You fell down and I'm not sure-" You shot a look at your band member who took the hint and fell silent looking out at the crowd full of people you would be performing in front of, you'd been practising all week with your band since you were an Idol just like your older brother Jimin.

"He's sitting in the front row." Your member giggled turning to make sure that you could see him through the gap in the curtain, your sent her a fake smile and looked around counting all 12 members to make sure they were ready to go on.

"Places." You whispered fixing your headset onto your head and going out to stand in your starting positions, the throbbing in your head was starting to get uncomfortable but you didn't care. This was one of the biggest performances of your careers and you wanted to do this for your team you felt that since you were the leader you weren't allowed to let them down,

"You really don't look well Y/n-" She was cut off when the backing track to the number you were going to sing came on and the curtains began lifting up. Jimin waved from the front row and you sent him a small smile doing your best to push through the pounding in your head and to focus on your lyrics and steps but it was as if the headache was getting worse and the small pounding and throbbing began turning into a man smacking you in the head with a hammer, it was starting to drown out the music in your headset. All of your members looked at you worriedly when you missed one of your lyrics but you faked a laugh continuing to dance through the pain that was coming from your head. The big lift was coming up were three of your members stood on the knees of two other members holding you in the air for a big finish, you'd managed to hold it out until being up in the air like that made your eyes roll back and your head spin.

"Y/n?!" Someone cried out when they saw you falling backwards from your member's knees hitting the floor, the music cut off and the rest of your members all came to check on your while they waited for a first aider to come onto the stage.

(X)

"What happened?! Why did she pass out?!" You heard your brothers panicked voice ask from outside the changing room door, no doubt talking to the doctor that had just come in to tell you that you were on bed rest for the next week.

"Jimin I'm fine, I just have a concussion," You grunted trying to get off the sofa but he was sitting you back down and turning your head slowly so he could look you in the eyes.

"What are you doing performing when you hurt your head earlier?! You can't do stupid things like this y/n-"

"Excuse me? I can do whatever I want to Jimin, the last time I checked you were my brother not my mother or my manager." He sat back a little shocked that you would speak to him like that and you bent over to reach for the glass of water, your head was still hurting despite being given painkillers to ease it down.

"You should have told someone you were in pain..." You looked down at the blanket that was covering you and then to Jimin who was staring at you with a worried expression.

"Is this life too much for you? Are you working too hard?" You shook your head knowing that you shouldn't have gone out there when you were injured,

"I didn't want to let the other girls down, we've been training so hard and we've come all this way-" He pulled you into his chest slowly so he wouldn't hurt you and began rubbing your arms as you let out silent tears.

"I feel like such a bad leader for doing this, I passed out on stage Jimin we're never going to get another chance like that-"

"Stop it, right now." You sniffled and he sighed, he knew how hard you had been working to become your own person instead of Park Jimin's younger sister and it was working. You and your group were becoming famous for your talent and not for your relative.

"You'll get another chance, I'm sure of it Y/n but in the meantime, you have to take care of yourself. Putting yourself back and pushing yourself too hard isn't going to make it any easier for them either." You knew he was right and you hated the fact that he was right because he would hold it over your head at a later date when you were feeling better.

"A week off, what am I supposed to do for a week?" He rolled his eyes at you playfully and wrapped his arm around your shoulder,

"Hang out with your awesome older brother?" You played dumb, looking around the room before back at Jimin,

"I didn't know Jihyun was here," He glared at you playfully before shaking his head at you and telling you that he would look after you for the next week along with the rest of the boys and your members which didn't fill you with the hope that he had intended it would.

Taehyung:

Nervous wasn't the word you would use to describe what you were. You were beyond nervous, anxious or anything else under that description and everyone in your group could tell. You were about to go out and give a huge speech about your group since you were new and it was your debut show but it was harder than you had expected it to me. You didn't know there were going to be so many people out in the crowd and you had no idea that they were going to invite your family and your older brother Tae who was waiting front row and centre so he could watch his younger sister wow everyone with her talent. Your breathing was starting to get rough as though you'd just finished a 8K run and your name was being called out followed by clapping and it was as if the world was starting to fade away and become distant.

"Go." Your maknae giggled pushing you out onto the stage where you joined one of the presenters who started introducing you and then turned to look at you but you hadn't heard the question. Your head was spinning from the night lights and the outfit was starting to feel tight on your skin,

"Sorry I'm just stunned," You lied. Taehyung caught on to what was happening right away and told Namjoon to move so he could get out and head backstage. The questions kept coming but you kept fading in and out until you felt your breathing quicken and your heartrate pickup, the present took hold of your hand telling you it was okay but you shook your head eyes filled to the brim with tears as the panic attack came on.

"Can I get some help please?!" The cameras were cut and the curtains drew shut but not right before everyone got footage of you passing out.

(X)

The maknae had just finished telling you about what happened after you passed out when Taehyung came into the room holding up a bottle of water and a muffin,

"I thought you could use something to eat after passing out." The maknae left the room and you groaned holding your hands over your face and whimpering to Taehyung about how you'd messed up.

"I thought you said you had it in the bag?" You groaned hearing the words come from his mouth and you looked down at the muffin picking bits off and putting them into your mouth.

"I did- I do, I just had a panic attack...I haven't been sleeping great and I guess I skipped a few meals by accident trying to make sure the girls were ready." He knew all too well the stresses of trying to stay on top of everything while trying to take care of yourself so he said nothing. He just sat down beside you and tried to give you tips on how he knew Namjoon coped with it all.

"They're all so much younger than me and they all look up to me, it's just hard I guess." You were in a group full of 21 other girls all younger than you by a landslide and you were sure you were labelled the grandma of the group and not just because of your age but because you literally acting like a grandmother towards them sometimes.

"We'll look into getting you some more help with them, but managing 21 girls y/n...that's amazing and I'm proud of what you've done with them so far." You smiled softly and he kissed your temple knowing there was nothing he could say to you right now to make you feel any better about what was happening.

"Just eat this and Namjoon said you can come back to the dorms for something to eat-"

"No thank you, if Namjoon is cooking I'll take my chances at my dorm with the food." You giggled making Tae poke you in the rib before going to find Namjoon and the rest of the boys to finish watching the other groups debut.

Jungkook:

"Join us back after the break when we'll have BTS, Stray Kids, GOT7, Ateez and Twice back with us!" You said into the camera smiling and doing the God's Menu dance that you were being told to do by producers.

"Clear!" You and Hyunjin bowed to one another before you walked off backstage to stand in front of the mini fans that you needed to cool you off. Normally the lighting wasn't an issue but you were presenting today and wearing a huge costume that felt as though you were wearing a giant coat in the middle of a boiling summer day.

"How's it going?!" Jungkook asked making you jump out of your skin as he appeared beside you with a giant smile on his face,

"Great, just a little too hot." You laughed looking at him and then to the rest of the members who were all greeting you,

"You're doing amazing, just remember to breath and here," Jungkook handed you a bottle of water before walking back to their places while your name was being called. You put the bottle down not having time to drink it yet, a stylist patted your face and you went back to stand in front of the camera.

"Welcome back! First, we have Twice performing their new single more & more, after that BTS will be singing us their new song Your Eyes tell," You smiled at Hyunjin who there introduced what he would be singing and the other groups but when he turned back to you you suddenly felt faint and he could tell something was wrong so he took over your lines for you.

"Let's give it up for Twice!" The camera moved away from you and you stumbled backwards gripping onto Hyunjin for support who helped walk you off the stage while Twice tried not to look worried for you. Over your years of being an idol and presenter for Mcountdown, you'd gotten close with all of the idols that went there.

"Y/n, look at me," Jungkook said but it sounded as though he was further away then he was and you couldn't focus on him at all.

(X)

When you woke up you were surrounded by people all staring at you,

"Hello?" You asked sitting up and looking at Jungkook who was staring at you worryingly,

"She's alright, everyone clear out!" You heard another voice yell and you were left alone with Jungkook who handed you water and food watching you to make sure you ate them.

"You feeling okay?" You nodded but he stared at you trying to decipher if it was a lie or not but you didn't even know yourself.

"What's going on in that head of yours?" You looked down at the apple in your hand before biting into it trying to distract yourself from the question.

"Y/n." He warned and you shrugged your shoulders swallowing the lump of apple and sighing,

"I've been pushing myself too hard I guess, with presenting, performing and then my manger just set me up with another show to present and I guess it's too much? I thought I could handle it all and this is my bodies way of telling me I can't." He hummed nodding and sitting back.

"I was just going to say you weren't hydrated enough but your idea sounds better...this is why you should have been the older sibling." You giggled at him and he sighed wrapping his arm around your shoulder and shuffled closer to you, you'd always been super close and he was always kind to you.

"Just take it easy, cancel on the second show no one will hate you for it and relax." You nodded and he got up from the sofa and walked towards the door since he still had to go on and perform their song

Tagline:

@writingdreamsnottragedies @yoongisdumplingcheeks @snowy-meowl @lynnthevirgo @jooniesdarlingdimples @chimchims-stories-and-tales @fan-ati--c @lyoongx @mitzwinchester @callingmyangel @rjsmochii @btsiguess-kpop

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trials-by-blood · 4 years ago

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Umm...I always see Yautja being paired up with someone strong and skilled and stuff. I was wondering if you could write something with any Yautja being with someone who is shy, meek, and a little chubby. And when they're alone or think they are they sing along to music and dance even though they can't.XD Sorry if I'm asking too much or anything...

Fegris, the dump world where the unwanted are left to rot and crumble.

This was once a world where the yautja would crash their obsolete vessels so that they could not fall into use by the other space faring races. Ships were not the only things they left behind. Exiles, heretics, or anyone who upset the balance of their society were also left to wither, but not all did.

In the following ages, other peoples would use Fegris as a place to forget their burdens. The Faceless Ones unloaded their collected specimens here when science deemed that their time of usefulness had ended.

Now generations of humans, yautja, clade, mind eaters and all manner of invasive species build their cities here, clinging to half remembered mockeries of their mother cultures. Here, all Forgotten busy themselves mining ore, seeking pleasurable escape, stripping precious metals from ancient wrecks, gambling, farming, extorting, building, destroying, breeding, killing.

One of the few honest livings to be made anywhere, the food service industry, prospers here. Organic people must eat, so this work will never die.

Heather, an old name from an old world no one can recall, worked for her room and board at what would best resemble a mall food court. It wasn't a particularly hazardous occupation, so long as you don't taste-test the food or stay long after the coalition of retail outlets close.

(OOC: Okay this ran WAY longer than I anticipated and I had to make the choice to cap it off at 2,500ish words. I’m sorry if this TOTALLY misses the vibe you were hoping for, I kinda got carried away. Oops)

Once, she'd made that mistake. Even her cold hearted rock-sucker of a boss told her not to bother finishing the cleaning if it meant staying after hours, but she hadn't listened. Heather hadn't wanted to leave her work half done and risk losing her job and newly acquired living space on her first day. So she'd stayed to wipe down the counters and load the trolly cart with the leftovers for the cooler. The reward for a job well finished was stepping out into the market spaces abandoned by customers and workers but repopulated by the local Yautja Bad-bloods and their rivals, The Cranium Skaggers. They were working through a territorial dispute.

The Skaggers were human, but barely. They injected enhancement serums, most barely tested, directly into their brain tissues via an implanted port installed at the top of their shaved heads.

Heather had stepped out of her safe enclosed little work area into a street brawl, and was pinned between the doors she'd only just locked and the carnal violence of the city. One of the yautja, who's vision was... not like hers, must have mistaken her bright heat signature and rapid heart rhythm for a Cranium Skagger.

Oh, she tried to run when she saw him move on her with his unhuman, talon tipped hand outstretched to seize her. Heather had dropped her bag, the keys, the silly hat which matched with her uniform, and she ran but he was fast, so horridly fast for something so big, heavy, and grieved with bulky armor.

It only took him three strides, thud thud thud, to reach her and tangle his terrible claws into the back of her long tunic. She was thrown, landing hard, disoriented and crying out as deep, raw pain shot up her left hip and into her pelvis. Something was broken.

She saw him, her attacker, and the blades attached to his dominant arm glistening with the blood of Cranium Skagger's, but she didn't even think to cover her face. All she could do was scream for help.

Her plea was answered. A great clawed fist smashed across the Yautja's mask with such force that his yowling face was revealed as his helm was torn from him. Next, skulls collided with a clapping of flesh so sharp, Heather thought someone had cracked a whip above her.

One Yautja had begun to fight another. That was when she did the sensible thing, curling her arms over her head and making herself as small as she could.

She survived that night. That battle resolved itself as she lied on the ground trembling and weeping in terror, but her savior stuck around after all the others had left. He put her things next to her, and waited until her boss came to collect her and get her help. The yautja must have gone through her communicator for her contacts.

The fractured hip was easily and painlessly repaired but the procedure had completely drained her savings. To her shock and mild horror, someone had wired to her account credits in the exact amount to replace what she'd spent at the Urgent Intervention Facility to fix her leg.

When she returned to work, who was there at the food court? The yautja who'd stayed that night. He stood out like a broken finger, the cleaned hand bones and torn out skull ports of Skaggers littered about what he wore like grim badges of honor. The sight of him watching her enter her workplace sent a chill up Heather's spine.

This kept up for weeks, until The Indecent was months behind her. She'd go to work, and he'd be there, just watching. Heather's co-workers weren't fans of her admirer. Yagon, the young clade boy who took the morning shift before her was the least fond of the yautja lingering around.

Today, as Heather stepped past her bad-blood observer who had decided to lean against the wall next to the employee entrance, Yagon was peeking out from the door to keep a watchful eye on her as she came in for her shift.

Yagon chittered irritably, antennae vibrating as he took off his smock and hat so he could scratch his double claws at the translator hanging on a lanyard around his the joining of his head and thorax.

The voice emanating from the little box was monotone and purposefully slow so that it could be heard clearly as he continued chirping and tweeting.

"You know what that creep does all day waiting for you to come in? He listens to recordings of you singing on your shifts."

Heather cringed. That was creepy. She'd had a feeling that he'd been able to hear her sing to herself from where he usually hung around, but she never thought he'd record her. It felt incredibly invasive. She briefly imagined confronting him about it, but thought better of it. He could crush her skull between his hands as if it were a brittle little Skitterling egg. She hunched her shoulders and hugged herself a bit.

Yagon then turned and dropped the claws of his primary arms on her shoulders.

"I can file an anonymous report for you. Please? I don't want to come in to work one day and find out something happened to you."

Heather sighed, trying not to vividly imagine how an exiled yautja might retaliate to that.

"N- no, I think that would just make things worse, Yagon," Heather tried not to whimper.

Yagon finished folding his smock and hat into his bag and left, but not before offering twice more to file that report.

A few hours passed and Heather caught herself singing a handful of times as she fell into her work routine but always stopped when she remembered who was listening. It felt awful, being observed so closely and denied the personal freedom do anything without fear of having it recorded for some stranger's entertainment.

Again, she thought about confronting the yautja watcher, but couldn't help the violent catastrophes imagined with the idea.

She felt like she couldn't make a noise or do a thing for herself to make this crappy job the least bit bearable without putting on some bizarre show for Captain Cranium Crusher out there! Heather's frustration built and built until she couldn't take it anymore.

The walk-in cooler. It was sound proof, right? The moment she finished the lunch-rush line of customers holding out their trays for their greasy food, Heather tore off her gloves, tossed them in the general direction of the trash chute and turned on her heel to stomp her way to that cooler door.

Heather glanced over the counter to confirm the Skull Collecting Jerk was still out there haunting the seating area. There he was, arms crossed against his chiseled chest, ass planted on a chair that could barely hold his weight with his big ugly sandled feet propped up on one of the tables. Bastard.

She pulled open the thick insulated door and slammed it behind her. First she simply bellowed angrily, stomped her foot, slapped a bag of single serve condiments as hard as she could manage, doing anything to break the severe edge from her frustration.

"UGH! WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE? WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!" She tore off her work smock and threw her hat on the floor to stomp on it, "I'M JUST A SHORT, ROUND, NOBODY WHO SHOVELS SLOP ONTO PLATES SIX HOURS A DAY. I'VE NEVER EVEN BEEN IN A REAL FIGHT! I'M NOTHING! WHY ARE YOU WATCHING ME? WHAT THE FUCK COULD BE SO INTERESTING ABOUT ME?! STOP WATCHING ME, YOU ASSHOLE!"

Then, spitefully, she sang her favorite song, watching the misty puffs of her breath dissipate as her heart pounded.

Now, she felt cold and her throat hurt from belting out her very favorite lyrics so harshly. It wasn't fair, she shouldn't have to be reminded of that night every afternoon on her shift. It sucked, and somehow she felt guilty for being angry even though none of this was her fault and she knew she had every right to be angry. So Heather curled up and cried in the cooler for a half-hour at the helplessness she felt. It felt gross, and she knew by now there had to be a never-ending line of pissed off customers outside. She was afraid of confrontation and couldn't ever imagine herself actually standing up to anyone. She could already tell that she'd be crying in her apartment after work too. Whob wouldn't after the verbal abuse she'd no doubt suffer at the service counter from customers tired of waiting.

Miserably, Heather stood and steeled her resolve to go back out there. With a deep, shaky breath, put her smock back on and fixed her hat.

"I'll get through it because I'm good at getting through it," she told herself to make it easier to reach for that door.

Chur-clunk. Chur-clunk. It was jammed. Oh no the cooler door was stuck. Heather put her weight into her next push, then her entire being into the push after that.

"Oh GODS I'm going to freeze to death!" she wailed, pushing at the door again with everything she had.

Frustration, anger, helplessness, now panic. She didn't want to die alone of hypothermia at work.

There was a bang and a great dent had appeared in the thick door. Before she could figure what was happening, the door was torn completely from the reinforced hinges. Heather shrieked and fell squarely on her bottom.

There he was again, who else would it be coming to her rescue and staring coldly down at her through the dead lenses of that helmet.

In one swift motion he lifted his left arm and clicked away at the keys of his gauntlet computer with those claws. The hologram display showed Heather a collection of files marked with icons she recognized. They were just cropped, slightly fuzzy pictures of her name tag for work. With a few more taps of his claw, all of the icons dissolved. He deleted them. He'd deleted all of his recordings which pertained to her.

"Oh, shit, you heard all of that," Heather whimpered, clutching her head with both hands in mortification. He must have heard what Yagon said earlier too.

He said nothing, made no noise. He just stood there like an imposing statue for a few tense seconds before turning to stride away.

She wasn't fired for the broken door and spoiled food. Before she could even collect herself from the floor in the cooler, her boss was wired a credit transfer for "damages".

Later as she heard of his generosity, it also explained the mysterious funds appearing in her account after the hip procedure. That had been Him too.

Her "admirer" didn't come back after that, which was a relief for the first week or two. After a while she found herself over thinking the whole thing. Yautja were notorious for being socially incomprehensible. Heather wondered if he just pitied her so much after one of his own kind damn-near destroyed her that he felt responsible for her continued safety. Or, maybe he was just a stalking sleeze-ball. She tended to flounder between the two conclusions, but one thing was certain, he was respecting her boundaries now and she appreciated that.

After nearly a month, she decided that the best closure she'd get was accepting that the entire ordeal was some bizarre misunderstanding, totally on his part, and he did a few nice things but that didn't make up for the weeks and weeks of discomfort he'd inflicted.

More time passed, Heather became more comfortable with her new job, and she very nearly forgot about that Yautja. The only time she remembered him were on cold days when her hip would ache, but it was pleasantly warm out on the afternoon she came in for her shift and found Yagon agitated with his antennae twitching so fast one might expect them to fly off his head. Heather looked around, hoping that the cleaning she couldn't finish the night before hadn't upset him. What she found was... Unusual, and she certainly hadn't left the thing there last night.

It was a skull, from what she wasn't sure, sitting there on the counter by the check out scanner.

"The Creep is back. This time he left a name with that." Yagon's translator couldn't read the inflections in his speech, but Heather could tell where the translator omitted expletives.

"W-hat was it? His name?"

"Stone Fist was the direct translation. I can't get the translator to say the correct pronunciation in his language and he made a scene about it until I threatened to call security. You know what that thing means, don't you?"

Heather nodded, she knew what it meant. Everyone did. She couldn't tear her eyes away from the empty sockets of the skull. It was as if it were staring through her being.

"I can still file that report, Heather," Yagon offered again.

"Don't, I mean... As long as I don't take it, then nothing happens. Right?"

"As far as I'm aware? I think that's how it works."

If Heather didn't touch it, he wouldn't come back. If she took it home, he'd follow her home because accepting an offering like that was an act of giving permission to pursue courtship.

Working with that lifeless skull watching her was eerie to say the least. She covered it with her hat midway through her shift so she didn't have to look at it. At the end of her shift as she fiddled with the patterned key to lock up before she left, she considered the skull one last time. No, She wasn't taking it, but she'd leave a note. Two notes actually, one to ask Stone Fist if he would consider an actual conversation before anything else, and a second note to apologize to Yagon for asking him to speak with Stone Fist again.

To Be Continued?

#yautja #predator #human/predator #alien vs predator #ask

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heathered-beinn · 3 years ago

Text

BangtanTV Youtube Vids 4

130217 SUGA (feat.RAP MONSTER) - YouTube Suga’s Log 17/02/13 (UK date)

So this is Suga’s first log! I love that fluffy black hat he’s wearing!! Obviously the heating is still not great in the studio since he’s also bundled up in a thick jacket ☹ I don’t have much else to muse about for this this video as it’s pretty short and not much happens or is talked about. It’s mostly Suga trying to make a log but laughing and complaining at Rapmonster constantly distracting him in the background. They obviously get on well both as colleagues and friends and it’s nice to see the two of them messing around having fun. So far they have tended to be the quieter, more serious, members of the band so I love seeing them act in a silly manner. I also look forward to hearing more from Suga in the future when RM isn’t distracting him!

흔한 연습생의 Harlem shake.avi - YouTube흔한 연습생의 Harlem shake.avi - YouTube

WTF did I just watch lol?????

The first time we see so many of them together on their official YT channel and it’s 20 seconds of chaotic WTF are you doing ridiculousness. Six of them – not sure who is who except RM and probably Jimin doing the headstand on the couch and maybe Jungkook in red – doing random things to the beat of Harlem Shake. Okkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkay Moving on ROFL

130206 RAP MONSTER FREESTYLE - YouTube Rap Monster Freestyling

No picture just RM rapping. Thanks to Megan R (credit Genius) in the Youtube comments for the translation.

Reading through the translation it seems RM is back on the path of feeling lost “a deserted island among my friends” - only it seems worse this time. He talks about being an adult now but all of his music peers have found success but he hasn’t yet. He doesn’t feel like there is a path for him, that he is stuck, and there’s no fuel to move him forward. His friends are suggesting he goes to college instead but RM doesn’t want to give up on his dream. My heart goes out to him. It really does. What he wants seems to be insurmountably far away to him (although it actually isn’t really – hindsight really) and I want to say I am so proud and very impressed that he got through that hard time to become the star he is today.

방탄소년들의 졸업 - Making Film - YouTube Behind the scenes of J-Hope, Jimin and Jungkook’s Music Video

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww <3 <3 <3

This was so cute. A short compilation of clips of them messing around, dancing, laughing, and running about, having fun together behind the scenes of their little music video (This was in the last lot of BTV videos I watched). Can I just say wow at Jimin’s running cartwheel!! Lol, at least Jungkook tried. However, Jungkook’s basketball shot was also pretty impressive too!

The three of them seemed to get on well. There is definitely a tight little friendship developing between them – particularly between Jimin and Jungkook. I noticed in the scene where they are in the café and crowded around the laptop that Jungkook was comfortable getting so close to Jimin he was millimetres from resting his chin on his shoulder. It was cute and only of note because he seemed such a shy boy in other series and appeared a bit uncomfortable with being overly touchy-feely (like a typical teenager). It makes me wonder if his discomfort was more rooted in doing those softer kinds of things in front of the camera rather than doing them fullstop. This is another reason I am so keen to watch these videos – we are more likely to see who they really are and what they are like in real life when there is less editing and scripting involved. Even these more candid videos will never be true reflections either unless it’s a moment where they genuinely don’t realise they are getting filmed. I do wonder how Jimin and Jungkook’s friendship pans out over the years though. There wasn’t much in Carpool Karaoke to make a judgement but I remember it was Jimin, J-Hope, and Jungkook in the middle seats which suggests to me they remain fairly close.

My finale musing on this video is, yet again, another moment of marvelling how this little cutie grew into this beautiful man.

130228 RAP MONSTER - YouTube Rap Monster 28/02/13 (UK date)

There is no translation for this video but I think, I think, he is just rapping along to a famous rap song? Either way, it’s cute lol and he seems to be enjoying himself.

Can I take a moment to point out that we have not seen one glimpse of V in these videos so far!! ☹

130227 J HOPE & 정국 - YouTube J Hope and Jungkook 27/02/13 (UK date)

Cuties!! <3

As soon as I saw these two I was ridiculously excited. I feel like this, so far to me, is an odd pairing and I can’t wait to see what they are like together :D Thanks to Hopeful Mang in the Youtube comments for the translation.

Okay, now that I’ve seen the video and read a vague translation I can’t help but laugh on rewatching. There doesn’t seem to be anything of note in what they say, however their antics were hilarious and silly and I’m still not entirely sure I understand what they were on about lol. What I most noticed was just how confident and talkative and generally at ease Jungkook was with J-Hope, like just J-Hope’s presence was enough to push back Jungkook’s shyness. It was so lovely to see! It’s clear the two of them get on well and spend quite a bit of time together. There was definitely a big brother / little brother vibe going on and I wouldn’t be surprised to learn if J-Hope was one of the ones who looked out for Jungkook the most back then – and brought him out of his shell. I mean, J-Hope is just a ball of sunshine – who wouldn’t be buoyed up in his presence?!

130304 J HOPE & RAP MONSTER - YouTube J-Hope and RM

Another pairing I’m so excited to see together! Thanks to Hopeful Mang in the Youtube comments for the translation.

J-Hope starts off by commenting the colour scheme is black and white. RM says this is coincidental but emphasises that the band is one that works well together without having to say a word. J-Hope agrees they are an awesome team. So… this is the first time in these BTV vids that I’ve seen RM talking about the band being a team and talking to another member as a teammate, which is an interesting and positive change to behold. Only a month ago (4 videos up) RM was talking as though he had no path and was somewhat lost in what he was doing with his life. This ‘team talk’ is a significant change in direction. How deep RM is in this change remains to be seen but it’s good to see him interacting with the others in a band-like way. I’m wondering if there has been significant movement in forming the band behind the scenes since the start of February. There were barely any logs between this one and RM’s one where he was describing himself as a deserted island so it’s possible their time has been spent working on the band – which, if the case, brilliant!

Lol, RM asked J-Hope what he had done that day. J-Hope said he’d been relaxing and watching a movie and could not be more vague about said movie – he really gave it a stellar review lol. RM said he had been around Seoul looking for music inspiration but ended up resting instead and being distracted by pretty girls. J-Hope says this is pretty typical of RM, suggesting he knows him and his habits fairly well by now.

Then it gets super interesting as they say their schedule for the week ahead is packed because BTS debut day is approaching. I wonder if that’s what’s got RM suddenly talking about teamwork? Perhaps now that things are gearing up for a debut he’s feeling like he finally has a focus – a path. The question is, does he still, deep down. think about himself as a soloist or is he now becoming accustomed to the idea that his future lies in a band? Does he truly think the band will work out? It’ll certainly be very interesting to see how this plays out over the following weeks.

Final musings on this video: RM and J-Hope seem comfortable with each other but not super-comfortable with each other. There’s not the same silliness between them as there was between RM and Suga or J-Hope and Jungkook, which suggests to me that at this point they have a friendly colleague-type relationship but are not yet super-close.

130304 SUGA - YouTube Suga’s Log 04/03/13 (UK date)

Suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuga!!!!!!!!!! <3 Thanks to Nana Na in the Youtube comments for the translation.

ROFL!!! Suga starts by saying that because RM isn’t there the log is going to be easy. Funny enough, both RM and J-Hope did a log on the same day in the same studio?! It’s probably much later in the day. Suga tells us that the song playing the background is “Fly” by Epic High, which he says guided him into the world of hip hop. He says this song made RM and himself choose to rap and further explains that in 2006, while in elementary school, it was this song that made him decide he wanted to rap. This small titbit gives us such a little insight into how Suga got into rapping and just how long he’s wanted to be a rap star for. The fact that he knew so early on what he wanted to be and is still working hard to make that dream come true shows just how dedicated he is and just how well he knows himself. He finishes his log by saying when he’s tired and exhausted, like he is today in the video, he listens to this song “Fly” and it inspires him to make good music.

130309 SUGA - YouTube Suga’s Log 09/03/13 (UK date)

Takes place 4 – 5 days after his last log – same hat! Thanks to Hopeful Mang in the Youtube comments for the translation.

It’s Suga’s birthday!!! <3 He says he used to anticipate his birthday when he was younger but not anymore now that he is older.

Then J-Hope, Jimin and RM come into the studio singing happy birthday and carrying a cake. Suga says it’s too cliché but seems pretty pleased by the gesture. He blows out the candles, J-Hope punches his arm a few times, which Jimin then wants to do but can’t because he’s holding the cake. Suga tells J-Hope to quit with the punching. RM says to turn up the music and Suga ends the log.

It’s sweet to see them celebrating each other’s birthdays. I hope as the years go on we get to see them do this for every member! I wonder if they buy each other presents – with 7 in the band that could get complicated and expensive lol.

Anyway, Happy Birthday Suga, sweetheart <3 Sorry for being belated by 8 years!!!

130306 정국 - YouTube Jungkook’s Log 06/03/13 (UK date)

This seems to be a few days out of sync with the video for Suga’s birthday but it’s no big issue. Thanks to nana na in the Youtube comments for the translation.

Jungkook is almost painfully cute at this age. He starts by saying he still feels shy shooting a log alone and is not sure what to talk about <3 He says the background music is what he has recently been learning choreography to and finds the dance moves funny and exciting. He also says he is really tired and sleepy but he still has things to do and will go to bed after finishing them because he promised. This concerns me a little. There’s nothing to indicate the time but it does look like it might be pretty late in the day. He’s still young, still at school (presumably a school night since 06/03/13 UK date was a Wednesday) and he’s also working on band things. The fact that he said he promised to go to bed to someone means that someone else – much closer to him than the fans - thinks he has been working too much and not getting enough rest ☹

130308 J HOPE - YouTube J-Hope’s Log 08/03/13 (UK Date)

Thanks to Hopeful Many in the Youtube comments for the translation.

J-Hope says he walked in as Suga was going to record a log (he calls him by his real name Yoongi, and I forgot that even back then they were probably pretty new to their stage names and probably don’t call each other by their stage names behind the scenes). Suga is quietly sitting up the back. J-Hope says he wasn’t planning on playing any background music but he liked the MR so he let it play – it reminds him of cherry blossoms and first love. He says he thinks he should work on a song like that. However, he is extremely busy as reality is approaching. [I guess he means the band’s debut]. He admits he has been sleeping less and working hard and hopes the results will reflect how much work he is putting in right now. He finishes the log by saying they should all go to the cherry blossom festival, in which Suga agrees. I find it simply beautiful that BTS have grown up in a culture where their masculinity is not questioned because they want to see some pretty flowers.

Not much more for me to muse on other than I like J-Hope’s top <3

#bts #bangtantv #youtubeofficial #jin #suga #j-hope #rapmonster #jimin #v #jungkook

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babyklovesmovies · 4 years ago

Audio

I’ve been curating this for a while but I figured I’d finally share it, here’s my Widojest musical theater playlist that gives me all the feels and I play on repeat until Critical Role comes back into my life.

1. “You Were Always a Better Dancer Than Me, Astrid” -Autumn Orange

Just a good one to start things off featuring a moment where we first got that glimpse into our smelly wizard boys feelings for a blue tiefling.

2. “The Color of Your Eyes” -Daddy Long Legs

If you haven’t heard of the musical Daddy Long Legs, DEFINITELY check it out. I have a lot of songs from the musical on here because I get SUCH Caleb and Jester vibes from the two main characters. In this song I imagine Jester is writing in her journal to the Traveler and telling him all about the “blue eyed” wizard she just met.

3. “The Man I’ll Never Be” -Daddy Long Legs

“If I tell you the truth at least, would I lose your esteemed affection. Would you hate me and curse my name? I'd only have myself to blame” Caleb has always been terrified of Jester finding out about the full extent of his past and the murder of his parents/man he used to be mostly because he would risk never having her see him the same way again.

4. “Charity” -Daddy Long Legs

With this song I constantly am reminded of the “I’m the transmutation wizard but you’re the one who changes people...” moment. I mean you can just hear it in the lyrics “How easier it is to give than to let yourself receive. For what you have given me came out of the blue. What you have done for me I never could do. Charity. Just who is helping who?”

5. “I’m A Beast (Reprise)” -Daddy Long Legs

If Jester ever does find out, I imagine our self deprecating wizard boy would say something along these lines.

6. “The Secret of Happiness” -Daddy Long Legs

Just imagine this song paired with the Widogast’s Unicorn Hamster Amber moment and it will give you all the feels. “I've discovered, The secret of happiness is, All the stars that shine....That her happiness is more precious than mine...”

7. “Popular” -Wicked

Added for obvious Laura Bailey C2E2 2018 reasons ; ) Jester is giving our stinky wizard boy a makeover.

8. “Waving Through A Window” -Dear Evan Hanson

Caleb closes himself off from the world and from other people because he’s so afraid of hurting them like he did his parent’s but ultimately he’s hurting himself. “Step out, step out of the sun. If you keep getting burned. Step out, step out of the sun. Because you've learned, because you've learned...”

9. “If I Could Tell Her” -Dear Evan Hanson

Caleb was one of the first members of the group to really see through Jester’s happy go lucky front and notice the feelings Jester keeps hidden deep down. Think especially the “I think it is an act. She is an amazing woman but talent is different then happiness” moment when Jester is dancing by herself. “And he wondered how you learned to dance. Like all the rest of the world isn't there But he kept it all inside his head. What he saw he left unsaid If I could tell her.”

10. “Suddenly Seymour” -Little Shop of Horrors

Caleb has always been there for her waiting in the wings and I just also think of Jester with the “daddy left early, mama was poor” line. (Though on the contrary, The Ruby of the Sea is doing VERY well ;)

11. “I Know It’s Today” -Shrek the Musical

This is mostly a Jester song, Jester spent years shut up in her room like a blue Rapunzel. That can do a lot to a person.

12. “In My Own Little Corner” -Cinderella the Musical

Also another Jester song, while being shut up in her room, Jester’s imagination can still roam free. Who knew that her imagination would create a god? ;)

13. “Pulled” -Addams Family

Imagine Caleb singing this one, at the start of the campaign he was much more closed off but Jester’s perkiness can really rub off on a person and bring out the jokester underneath. Caleb is making more jokes and smiling more when Jester’s around. Though losing those defenses can be scary, especially when you have so much to protect with a past like Caleb’s.

14. “Who I’d Be” -Shrek the Musical

When I hear this song I immediately think of the moment when the others ask Caleb what he would have done after the Academy if he hadn’t met Trent and he wistfully mentioned how maybe he would have been a teacher with a lot of books and things to teach. But he doesn’t think he deserves such happiness.

15. “I Think I Got You Beat” -Shrek the Musical

Think of early Jester and Caleb when they would argue about dirtiness or the differences in how they view money. Also keep in mind the hard pasts they both have had to overcome to get to where they are now and how they aren’t as different as they would think.

16. “Heaven’s Light” -Hunchback of Notre Dame

My poor boy Caleb is “uselessly in love” with Jester but he never believes that he deserves Jester’s light. “I knew I'd never know, That warm and loving glow Though I might wish with all my might, No face as hideous as my face, Was ever meant for Heaven's light..”

17. “Unworthy of Your Love” -Assassins

Kind of in the same vein of the previous song, Caleb doesn’t believe he deserves someone as perfect and wonderful as Jester. Also, Jester as Squeaky Fromme pining after a cult leader like the Traveler seems pretty fitting ; )

18. “Evermore” -Beauty and the Beast

“I'll never shake away the pain, I close my eyes but she's still there, I let her steal into my melancholy heart, It's more than I can bear”. Jester just has that effect on people. You can’t hide your heart forever Caleb.

19. “Being Alive” -Company

As Caleb starts opening up to the group more, he grows more confident and starts thinking maybe he does want people in his life. Maybe he does deserve love. Also, think of Yasha as the rest of the company urging him along like the classic “Do you love her?” scene.

20. “That’s How You Know” -Enchanted

Yasha and Nott being the unlikely matchmakers nudging Caleb along to open up more about his feelings always makes me smile, against Caleb’s classic pessimism.

21. “Lost in the Woods” -Frozen 2

Think Caleb and the group searching for Jester all that time after she was kidnapped. Maybe insert Frumpkin instead of Sven. ; )

22. “What Do You Know About Love?” -Frozen the Musical

Jester was cooped up for so long she has no idea what love is supposed to be besides what she reads about in her smut books. With this song, just think about the moment when Caleb and Jester were discussing Jester’s feelings for Fjord and what being in love is about.

23. “Inside Out” -Gentleman’s Guide to Love And Murder

Think the “Frumpkin is stored in my heart...then you must have a really big heart!” moment. Jester sees the good person within Caleb and his enormous heart. “An oyster shell itself is unassuming, But look inside, you'll find a pearl The man who otherwise is unpresuming, May share the same blood as an Earl.”

24. “Shall We Dance?” -King And I

The waltz scene. That’s all I gotta say.

25. “I Could Have Danced All Night” -My Fair Lady

Caleb could have danced forever with Jester. I was hoping they would have a reprise at the party but no such luck.

26. “I See The Light” -Tangled

Again, the Widogast Amber Lights moment gave me MAJOR floating lights in Tangled vibes and I was HERE FOR IT.

Anyhoo, thank y’all for going on this musical journey with me. Word on the street is Critical Role might be coming back soon (but I hope they take the time they need to be as safe as possible). Until then I will continue to eat these small Widojest crumbs and play this song on repeat.

All credit for the cover art I referenced in the playlist goes completely to https://hla-rosa.tumblr.com/, please check them out!

#widojest #caleb widogast #jester lavorre #jester #caleb #critical role #musical theater #mighty nein #broadway #liam o'brien #laura bailey

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bts-reveries · 5 years ago

Text

daddy diaries

The music played softly during the car ride home. It was around 9:50pm, which is pretty late, coming from a four year old’s party at least. But after an hour or so of putting Hana to sleep, Yoongi thought it would be time to officially end the party. He’s been quiet for the last hour, which is typically normal for him, but there was a strange vibe between the two of you. You simply shrugged off the feeling, he’s probably just tired. It’s been a long day and the day he’s preparing for has come to an end, so of course it’s exhausting. Your eyes wander to his face though searching for anything that might be wrong. Yes, he’s normally quiet during car rides, he likes the comfortable silence, but this car ride was uncomfortably silent. Maybe because ever since you started dating, this is the first he’s not holding your hand? Maybe. It usually was the first thing he’d do once he got settled in the car.

Your eyes drop down to where his was, like usual, he had one hand on the wheel, the other on his lap. Your hand was slowly making its way to grab his, just wanting to hold his hand before you get home. But right when your fingertips touched his--

“We’re here.” He says. Breaking the awkward silence filling his car.

“Oh. Already.” You awkwardly laugh, pulling your hand away to grab your bag which was near your feet. He wasn’t looking at you, his eyes were glued to his fingertips which were tapping on the black steering wheel.

“So since Hana’s birthday is over, does that mean breakfast is too? Or will I be seeing you two again tomorrow morning?” You say, your hand on the door handle, and a hopeful smile on your face. Still, his head faced away from you. His bottom lip in between his teeth and a slight shake of his head.

“No.” He says. The one word quickly wiping off your smile.

“Yn.” He says slowly. “I don’t think we should be seeing each other anymore. For a while at least.” Your brows furrow in question, tilting your head to the side in confusion.

“What are you saying?” You let out in shock. He sighs, running his fingers through his hair.

“I think you know what I’m saying.” He finally looks at you and the corner of his lips pull back in an apologetic smile. Instead of replying, you purse your lips to the side and simply nod. You step out of the car door, mumbling a quick ‘thank you’ before shutting the door and watching the car drive away.

What happened? You couldn’t possibly think of anything that could have happened that would’ve caused any of this. You’ve officially dated for a few days. It was all going swell. The whole day you spent with him and his family. The two of you had a fun time preparing for the party. Playing games, eating good food, and laughing with the others. What went wrong?

❀ ❀ ❀

You walk into your apartment, dropping your keys on the coffee table, and made your way to your room. Quickly you pulled out your phone to send a text. You wanted someone to talk to and luckily, you have three girls you were able to call your sisters. Despite only knowing each other for a short period of time, you four were as close as you can be.

Your thumb hovers over the ‘mommies’ group chat. You were wondering if they wouldn’t mind coming over to talk. But you quickly realized that one of them has a three year old son and the other had three kids to take care of. You decide to text Yuna instead.

[You: hey yuna?]

[You: i hope you don’t mind but..]

[You: can you come over?]

[You: yoongi just broke up with me]

The last text made you sigh. Fortunately, the truth hasn’t sunk in yet, because if it did you’d be a crying mess.

Thankfully, Yuna answered quickly.

[Yuna: omg yn! are you okay??]

[Yuna: send me your address! i’ll be there!]

❀ ❀ ❀

It was a good fifteen minutes of you laying in your bed, thinking, when you heard a knock on your front door. You get up quickly, rushing over to let Yuna in. And once you get the door unlocked and open, you were immediately engulfed into her arms.

“What the heck happened?” She questioned. You pull away from her and shrug your shoulders, grabbing her hand and dragging her to your room.

You hop on to your bed, Yuna doing the same and the two of you stare at each other in silence. One, waiting for the other to explain. The other, thinking of an explanation.

“He just broke up with me.” You finally said, a blank expression and all. Yuna quirks up an eyebrow at you.

“That’s it?” You nod.

“What do you mean,” she lets out in confusion, “that can’t be it. There’s gotta be a reason. What happened during the ride home?”

“Nothing,” you explained. Literally nothing.

“So you’re telling me, nothing happened between the two of you during the car ride home?” You nod.

“So he just said you’re over and left you here? That’s it?” You nod again.

“Yn, how are you feeling about all this?” You shrug, making her sigh. She reached out and grabbed both of your hands and held it in hers. You took a deep breath in.

“I- I honestly don’t know. I know that I really liked him. I know that we haven’t known each other for long nor dated for any longer, but I really did like him. I just don’t know where this came from. I thought he liked me too like he said he did. But maybe he was just trying to be nice to me or something,” you laugh, looking down at your hands and playing with Yuna’s.

“Yn, he likes you,” she says, moving her head down so that you can look at her while she talks. “I’ve known Min Yoongi for a while, right before Hana was born, I met him. And I kid you not, I’ve never seen him like how he is now.”

“How was he before?” You questioned. Curious as to what would make you being in his life any different to how he acted before.

“We all know how Yoongi likes to keep a cold exterior right? But he’s all soft and sweet inside but doesn’t really show it. He only ever let’s the soft kitty in him to come out whenever it’s about Hana. But then you showed up.” You nod softly.

“Yn, I saw you two today. Yoongi does not like skinship. Like at all. He groans whenever the guys hug him. He occasionally hold hands with Tae and Jimin, but that’s a different story. Yoongi couldn’t keep his hands off you today, I saw him. We sat and talked, his hand was on your waist. We would play a game, your hands were intertwined with his. When we watched the kids dance and sing a song for us? He had his arm around you and he had the biggest smile on his face. When Hana finished her little song, she ran to the two of you and gave you two the biggest hug and kiss your cheeks, and I saw how happy Yoongi was at that very moment. Yn you three looked like the perfect little family. Without a single doubt, I know that Min Yoongi is in love with you.” You let out a shy laugh, an unknown tear drying up on your cheek. Yuna held your chin and lifted your head up to get a good look at you. She wipes away any tears that rolled down your cheek with her thumb.

“You’re crying now.” She says. You laugh, rubbing under your eye.

“Oh really?” You say sarcastically, “I didn’t notice.” She laughs along with you, happy to see a smile on your face.

“I’m really hoping what you just said is true.” She nods, holding out her pinky to you.

“I promise. I keep all of my promises and would never ever promise you this if I wasn’t sure of it.” You lift your pinky up to hers, and she wraps hers around yours. She looks at you when you hesitantly do the same.

“But what if he just did this for Hana.” She scrunched her brows.

“What do you mean?”

“Her wishlist. He told me it was on her wishlist that we’d go on a date. I- I mean, he told me he used that as an excuse to ask me out but what if it wasn’t? What if he broke up with me because her birthday is over now?”

❀ ❀ ❀

Earlier at the Yoongi’s...

“But daddy my party!” Hana yells as Yoongi carried Hana to her room.

“Baby, big girls go to sleep when it’s bedtime, you’re a big girl now. You’re four!” Yoongi lays her down, while he kneels on the floor by her bed. She pouts and Yoongi takes this chance to peck her lips, making her giggle.

“Did you have a fun birthday?” He asks her, whilst tucking her in. She nods quickly.

“That’s good. Was daddy able to make this birthday better than the last one?” She nods again, but slower, giving Yoongi a sleepy smile, making him chuckle.

“See, I knew you were already sleepy.” It’s been a long, fun day of running around and laughing. He knew she’d be exhausted by now. Yoongi sighs, caressing his daughter’s head, leaning in to kiss her on the forehead, making her eyes shut.

“I love you,” he whispers softly as she drifts off to sleep. She mumbled a quick ‘i love you too’ before sleep quickly took over her. Yoongi laughs, it must be nice to be able to fall asleep that fast.

After a while of just, watching her and taking in as much as he can of her at this age, he gets up. They just grow up so fast and unfortunately, it doesn’t stop. Yoongi began to walk around her room, looking over the drawings she had on her table. The sounds of laughter and conversations over in the living room softly fading away. She had stick figure drawings of her and him, making him smile. There were pictures of flowers, and cakes, and a girl next to a self portrait of her. It doesn’t take Namjoon’s IQ to know that it’s you in the drawing. A stick figure of you, and a stick figure of Hana holding hands, surrounded by doodles of cookies. Yoongi’s eyes moves past it and he picks up her wishlist. He drags his eyes down the list, mentally checking off the ones he’s done. They were ordinary wishes, like the cake she wanted, a party and who she wanted to be there, things like that. It wasn’t until you came along that her wishes began to grow different. Breakfast at the bakery with Yn Unnie. Make birthday cake with Yn Unnie. Unlike what Yoongi said to you, asking you out on a date was definitely not on the list. That was of course all on him. But once Hana found out you two were dating, I guess her imagination decided to run wilder. Because every single wish written on that list was fulfilled, but knowing Hana, she’ll write on it until the very last minute of her birthday. And the final thing on that list was ‘a new mommy’. It doesn’t look like it was there before, but the crayon on the ground says that it was new. Earlier that night, Hana sang a little song to everyone. Specifically ‘the three bears’. Right after she finished singing, she ran over to give Yoongi and you a hug and a kiss. Then she ran off to her room and came back to cuddle with the both of you. I’m guessing she left to write her very last wish on the list.

Yoongi sighs, rubbing a hand down his face. It hasn’t been too long that you and him have been dating. It hasn’t been too long that you too have known each other either. You both still have a lot to know about each other. It’s too soon to think about you being Hana’s mom. Waaaay too soon. Anything could go wrong and if anything does, it’ll hurt Hana the most. Which is not even in the list of the last things Yoongi would ever want to do. Of course, everything he does is for Hana and to make her happy. She’s never known her mom so it didn’t affect her a lot, not yet at least. She’s never had a connection with her, so she’s not emotionally scarred yet, but if anything were to happen with the both of you, Hana would be devastated. He knew how much she loved you already, and if that continued to grow and you give her the chance to be her mom, then it’s over if something goes wrong. Yoongi doesn’t want to risk it. So he decided to put out the fire before it spreads.

❀ ❀ ❀

daddy diaries

❀part twenty-two: wishlist❀

→ singledad!yoongi x baker!reader

a/n: it’s not even that long but i wanted to add the ‘keep reading’ feature for fun lol and ughhhhhhhhh on mobile, the first part of the flashback is not italicized what the heckkk

here’s some explanation to everyone who was confused/surprised/yelling at me

ps. thank you for 600+ followers, it’s crazy how much of you started following me for this series ahhhhhhhhh

taglist: @dammit-jjk @io-is-lame @yoongistruth @passionate-hedgehog @rjsmochii @live-2-fangirl @mizz-kraziii @sugarrimajins @yoongismainhoe @toobroken4u @littlemisssuga @chims-dimple @moon6rop @baojinnie @dearbangtan07 @snowythellama @oneweirdbean @abrupt-aesthetic @aejae-ssi @joanc24 @mayumioutloud @beanstalkyoongi @maaayleee @sparky-isnt-a-vampire @ultimitae @raconteurgirl @thebleuprince @jayhope88 @lylanie12 @triviayoongles @oh-worm-yee-haw @adriennemichelle98 @weasleys-wizard-weasleys @minhyunie-lovely @ajhdr @parkjiminstan16 @cherryicy123 @take-u-2-an0ther-w0r1d @chilloutlatin @lyndseygoregasmxo @moonynessx @yoongiismytruelove @hispoutylips @hellboundblogger @yoongims @velvetaroma @chims-kookies @taetaetata1230 @knjhype @kisskissshutmydoor

taglist is closed! sorry everyone :(( if you want to be notified when i post, you can turn on my post notifs by going to my blog, clicking the person icon and clicking ‘get notifications’ [at least on mobile]

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sea-side-scribbles · 4 years ago

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Fanfiction: Sympathy For A Downer

Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22737214/chapters/60012781

Chapter 20

Nick was glad he had hurried up, because he made it home right before it went dark. He was still high from his adventure with Arthur and looked forward to see him again. But the closer he came to his house, and thinking about who was waiting for him inside, he also looked forward to see Morrie. When he entered it he noticed how quiet it was, as if they were still out and having a good time, or already asleep, what was unlikely. He called for them while he walked up the stairs, until a voice answered him. It was Morrie, looking like he had been waiting for Nick in the living room.

„Welcome back,“ he said holding up his arms and Nick grinned. Then he noticed.

„Are you all alone?“

Morrie shrugged.

„The others are in the pub again, but I wanted to wait for you,“ he explained.

Nick then ran into his arms.

They hugged and kissed, stumbled around and finally slumped on the couch together.

When they paused for breath Morrie quietly asked: „Where have you been?“

Nick cuddled into his side and it didn’t feel any less wholesome.

„I…told you before…I…I want to stop the drugs…I was in therapy today,“ he created an answer. It wasn’t entirely wrong.

„But Nick,“ Morrie turned to face him. „Why didn’t you tell me? This is the best idea you ever had and I’m absolutely with you! Everyone of us is!“

Nick avoided his gaze and simply said in a broken voice: „I have to make it…or I can bury myself.“

Morrie took his hands and stroked them with his thumbs

„You will make it, Nick! You’re not alone with this.“

Then he made a painful expression.

„I guess I was sarcastic when you first told me…When I was still angry at you and also at myself. But I’m actually proud of you and if you need help, I’ll be there for you. Whatever you need.“

Nick lifted Morrie’s hands and gently kissed them.

„Thank you,“ he rasped.

Morrie eyed him.

„Does it hurt?“

Nick cleared his throat.

„It’s…not really pleasant,“ he answered, thinking about how he had spent hours alone in that bedroom, sweating and winding in pain and nearly losing his mind.

„And it’s going on forever.“

At that, Morrie began to caress his cheek with his finger, purring „Aww, my poor baby.“

Nick turned his head, kissed the hand that was petting him and then started to cover the other man’s face with more kisses. Morrie closed his eyes, moaning with pleasure. Then he suddenly pulled the mask off his face and looked Nick in the eyes. Nick froze.

„Isn’t that much better?“, Morrie whispered.

Nick’s gaze wandered over every single uncovered spot on the other man’s skin.

„Your face…I..“, he stuttered and gulped. „I forgot what your face looks like…“

Morrie leaned closer.

„Now let me see if I forgot about yours,“ he was whispering again, tempting him.

Nick shivered but he didn’t flinch when Morrie carefully touched his chin, then shoved his fingers under the white plastic of his mask. While he removed it slowly Nick was staring at him, paralyzed. He was waiting for the other man to be startled by his looks.

„Oh my…,“ Morrie sighted.

„What?“, Nick interrupted him. His heart was pounding.

„You’re so beautiful…“, Morrie went on and Nick’s eyes widened.

His fear melted away when he saw the other man’s delighted expression. When they kissed again, it felt like they kissed for real for the first time. Nick could feel Morrie’s skin on his and it felt so soft when he brushed it with his lips.

„This is so much better!“, he panted the second he could breathe again.

„My words,“ Morrie replied and chuckled.

He shoved his arms under Nick and pulled him onto his lap. Nick took this as an invitation to ruffle the other man’s hair in order to completely ruin his neatly combed strands.

„Hey,“ Morrie laughed while he tried to stop his lover’s evil plan. After he had thoroughly failed and his rumpled hair strands were covering his face, he said: „Alright, I get it. You need a completely different treatment now.“

He got up and lifted Nick up with him, who immediately wrapped his arms around him an giggled.

„What’s the matter, baby? You look ravishing!“

He was kicking his legs, downright begging to be tamed. Morrie wouldn’t let him go.

„Come here, hot stuff, you need a cooldown!“

He carried Nick all the way to his bedroom and kicked the door open with a loud crack.

„Hey, this is my interior you’re destroying right now!“, Nick fake-complained and laughed.

„I’ll destroy much more than that tonight“, Morrie announced and Nick moaned loudly.

„Yeah, baby, punish me!“

Searching for the light switch Morrie accidentally turned on the stereo system that started to blast out Nick’s cheery songs, accompanied with bright lights from a glittering disco ball. Nick could convince Morrie to dance with him, before they made love to the music.

Much later, when it was silent and Morrie was already asleep, Nick carefully freed himself out of his arms. He cast a last tender glance at his lover before he sneaked out of the room and entered the bathroom, where he brought himself to look into the mirror. At first he viewed himself from a distance, then his curiosity won him over and he stepped closer, carefully palpating his face. Bit by bit he remembered that there had been a time where he had seen this face in the mirror every day. His and Morrie’s - and even the Garden District brought back memories which felt like they came from another life.

Long before Nick Lightbearer was born he was simply called Norbert Pickles. He liked to play guitar and sing along in the park that was close to his school. Every since puberty had hit him he had spent a lot of time finding out what the girls liked. And it came out that playing guitar was one of these things. In addition had a good singing voice he was quite proud of. Since the first day he had vibed the strings and hummed a song the girls kept swarming around him and listened like they were under a spell. Words came easier to him when he was singing.

Because boys like music too he soon found friends that shared his passion and they formed a band. They played at school events and became popular amongst their colleagues. They were ambitious, dreaming about the big stages, concert halls filled with thousands of fans, but it was still a long way.

This certain day started like many others. Norbert didn’t hate school, but all he really wanted was playing music and so he did as soon as the classes were over. It was just the right time: a sunny spring day, warm and dry, perfect to sit down under a blossoming tree and get lost in his songs. He didn’t think about their great plans for now, if anything he looked forward to the pretty bird he was about to meet again this evening. Life was beautiful.

When he finished his song he saw his friend Matthew approach him. He looked out of breath, as if he had been running all the way.

„There you are,“ he said huffing and puffing. „I’ve been looking for you.“

Norbert was confused.

„Why, what’s up?“

Matthew leaned against the tree to catch his breath.

„There’s that guy from the parallel class. He’s quite good at the piano. Mortimer Dunn, you know him?“

„I’ve heard about him, yes.“

„I talked to him and now he’s thinking about joining our band!“

Matthew sounded very excited. Norbert put the guitar down, doubting.

„Is he really that great?“

Matthew held out a hand.

„You’ve got to listen to him, man! He’s playing for us right now! Follow me!“

Norbert bopped up and followed his friend out of the park and back into the school building. He had mixed feelings about this. Of course he wanted the best for the band, but did it have to be this guy? According to what he had heard Mortimer was rather shy and mousy. How would that look like on stage? And did this guy even like pop music?

So he was preparing for nothing when he opened the door to the music room where a piano was standing in a corner.

What he saw and heard afterwards made him hold his breath.

The band was complete when he and Matthew entered. Chris and Brad didn’t say a word, only nodded to them and kept listening. Mortimer shortly looked up and his and Norbert’s eyes met for a second. Then he continued to play. Norbert watched his long, slender fingers skim along the keys and after a while he noticed that he himself was listening like he was enchanted. He couldn’t stop looking at him either. After everything he had been told about Mortimer he had expected him to be a pimply little podge. Instead he was tall and slim, with well-groomed dark brown hair.

While playing, he had a charisma that Norbert couldn’t break away from. He was certain that he indeed was the one they needed. When Mortimer ended, Norbert was still frozen and gaping while the others began to applaud and cheer. Mortimer looked at Norbert and his expression was somewhat skeptical. Then Matthew pushed his elbow into Norbert’s side and the sudden pain made him snap out of it. He joined into their cheers, even though way too late.

„Wow…that was…I’m out of words,“ he stammered.

Matthew stepped forward, asking who would vote for Mortimer as their pianist. They agreed in unison, then they welcomed their new member with more cheers and slapped him on the shoulders. Everyone but Norbert, who didn’t dare to touch Mortimer. He had goosebumps all over his body and he was shivering without knowing why. All he knew was that he needed to leave the room before he fainted, and so he quickly said his goodbye and fled back into the park. He tried to play another song, but the peaceful atmosphere was gone. He was upset. Not even the thought about the pretty bird had the same magic as before. Frustrated, he shouldered his guitar and walked back home.

Even at night he lied awake, wondering what was wrong with him. Mortimer must’ve played something that made him lose his mind. The others didn’t seem to notice, they had been acting completely normal. But if it was about the music, why didn’t he remember the melody he had been playing at all? Instead he could recall the slim hands, his focused expression and the one hair strand that was coming loose while he was playing. Then again, it was still possible that everything would be back to normal tomorrow, he tried to calm himself down. Sinking into his confused thoughts, he slowly fell asleep.

#whf #wehappyfew #we happy few #nick lightbearer #whf nick #whf arthur

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triptuckers · 5 years ago

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All we ever need (Mena Massoud)

Request: No Pairing: Mena Massoud x female!reader Summary: You work on the set of Disney’s newest movie, the live action of Aladdin. You became close with the cast and crew, only you make sure that they don’t know anything about your private life and especially your boyfriend. Warnings: Mentions of physical and mental abuse. Please don’t read this if this makes you feel uncomfortable!! I am not trying to romanticize physical or mental abuse. Angst to fluff (I chose a random name for the boyfriend). Word count: 4K A/N: I went to see Aladdin with my best friend in 4D and I. Fell. In. Love. The music, the visuals, the characters I fell in love all over again. When my requests are open again, feel free to request the characters and/or its actors of Aladdin!! Enjoy reading!

Working on the set of Disney’s Aladdin was an absolute dream. You grew up with Disney, watching every movie with your family. When you were ten years old, you went to Disney world and you couldn’t remember a happier day. You had been working on a few movies and TV shows, but nothing big. It was a total surprise to you when you got a call of a famous director, telling you he wanted you to be part of the crew that was going to work on the new Disney live action. At first, you thought it was maybe one of your friends messing with you. But once you figured out that it was serious, you immediately accepted the job. You had to keep it a secret until the day Disney would officially announce the making of Aladdin. But once the word was out, you couldn’t keep your mouth shut. You called your family and your closest friends, telling them your dream would come true: you would work on a Disney movie. You were actually going to be part of Disney’s cinematic world.

It had now been months since that one phone call. You were officially one of the graphic designers and photographers, but you helped out whenever you could. You’d help with the costume fitting, the dancing, singing, basically everything. You loved being on set and you were more than happy to help out in any way. You’d get people their morning coffees and made sure everyone had the right costumes whenever you had some time off. It was almost too good to be true whenever you came home after a long and exhausting day on the set. But it was all worth it and you were happy to get up early the next day to go to the set for another working day. It never really felt like work, more like the dream you couldn’t believe you were living.

Being on set every day of the week meant you knew the cast and crew members almost as good as the director. You spent a great deal talking with everyone, going out for lunch or coffee breaks. You’d help the actors out with their lines whenever the other actors had to shoot a scene. You grew close with the stars of the movie, including Will Smith, Naomi Scott and Mena Massoud. You loved being on set, as everyone seemed to be in a permanent good mood. Everyone was always happy, singing their songs, practicing their dances, reading their lines. There was always this happy vibe around everyone, and you absolutely loved it.

That’s why you stayed on set for as long as you could. You never wanted to go home. Because you didn’t want to leave the set, but also because you just didn’t want to be home. The happy mood you were always in whenever you were on set, would instantly disappear as you set foot in your house. Your house should feel like a home, and the set should feel like a work place. But neither of those things were true. Your house was a house, not a home. And the set was this wonderful place where you could be yourself and where you were surrounded by people who love you. So you stayed on set for as long as you could. On your way home, you tried to walk as slow as you could.

Today was a particularly quiet day. Since most of the work was done, people were just taking it easy. It was a Friday so everyone was already taking it a bit slow. You strolled around the set. You had finished your work for today and were walking around as you always did once you got bored. You admired the set and all of the beautiful colors. A part of you still couldn’t believe you were a part of this. As you approached the trailers of the cast members, you heard a familiar laugh. You smiled to yourself and walked up to the trailer. Just as you were going to knock on the door, it already opened, revealing Mena. ‘Hi Y/N!’ said Mena happily. ‘Sorry, didn’t see you there. The three of us were about to go get some coffee at that café nearby, care to join us?’ Behind him, Will and Naomi appeared, waving at you and greeting you. ‘I’d love to!’ you said with a smile. The four of you started walking toward the exit. Happily talking about the day, you looked at your friends as they smiled and laughed at each other. You looked ahead again and froze when you saw a familiar person in front of you. Mena, Will and Naomi noticed you stopped walking. Mena followed your eyes and saw someone walking up to you. The man stopped in front of you and smiled widely. Mena could see you were scared and uncomfortable.

‘Hello Y/N!’ said the man. You swallowed hard and looked from your friends to the man in front of you. ‘Jack, meet Will, Naomi and Mena. Guys, this is Jack. My boyfriend.’ you said, introducing them to each other. Mena looked from you to Jack, he noticed the way you paused between mentioning his name and the fact that he’s your boyfriend. ‘It’s so nice to meet all of you! Y/N has told me so much about you.’ said Jack with a smile. ‘What are you doing here, Jack?’ you said quietly. Jack put his arm around your waist and pulled you close to his body. ‘I came to see the famous set of Aladdin! And I came to surprise you, of course! I can’t stay long though, I have to go to work.’ said Jack. ‘Well, we can’t stick around any longer, either.’ said Mena and you looked up at him, confused. All the work of today was done. ‘We were going to grab a coffee real quick before we’re going to shoot the next scene.’ said Mena and he gave you a tiny nod. ‘Ah, yes, can’t get anywhere without hard work, am I right?’ said Jack and he pulled you even closer. ‘Certainly right.’ said Mena with a smile. Jack looked down at you. ‘Can I talk to you for a moment before you go?’ he said. You nodded. Jack turned around and walked away from Mena, Will and Naomi, still holding on to your waist tightly. He stopped and turned around to look at you. You looked at your feet. ‘Now.’ he said. ‘No hanging out after the work is done. You come home straight away, got it? Don’t stick around.’ ‘Yes.’ you whispered. Jack grabbed your chin with his thumb and finger and forced you to look up at him. ‘I didn’t hear you, sweetheart. Speak up.’ he told you. You forced yourself to look into his eyes. ‘I will not hang out after the work is done, Jack.’ you said and Jack smiled. ‘That’s right. Now tell me you love me.’ he said. You let out a sigh. ‘I love you.’ you replied. Jack smirked and walked off. You let out a shaky breath and closed your eyes.

‘Y/N?’ said a voice behind you. You jumped a little and turned around. Mena’s kind eyes met yours. You took a breath and smiled. ‘Shall we go and grab that coffee?’ you said. Mena walked closer to you, not breaking eye contact. ‘Are you okay?’ he asked softly. You nodded. ‘Why shouldn’t I?’ you said, still forcing yourself to smile. Mena shot you a smile before shaking his head. ‘You’re not okay, Y/N.’ he said. You looked up at him, and smiled again. ‘What are you talking about? I’m okay, Mena.’ you said. Mena let out a sigh. ‘How long before you tell us, Y/N?’ he said. You dropped your smile and looked at your hands. He knew. ‘That Jack, he’s not a really good boyfriend, is he?’ said Mena quietly. You shook your head. ‘No.’ you said. Your voice was so soft it was barely a whisper. ‘He hits you?’ asked Mena. You took a deep breath and felt tears in your eyes. ‘How do you know?’ you said, still looking at your hands. ‘When I hugged you the other day, I felt your whole upper body was sore. And it wasn’t from all the hard work. And as soon as you saw him, your whole body froze and you looked terrified. I could see it in your eyes.’ Mena told you. You looked up at Mena, noticing he stepped closer. ‘You know, Jack wasn’t always like this. When we first met, he was really sweet. And I was young and in love. After a while of dating, he started limiting my freedom. I wasn’t allowed to talk to other men. I wasn’t allowed to go out. I wasn’t even allowed to have friends over. And then one night he- he hit me. And I told myself that it was an accident. That he’d just lost his temper. But one time turned into two. Two turned into three, three into four and so on. Soon it became… a habit. I got terrified of him. Of what he could do to me.’ you softly told Mena. Mena looked at you with his eyebrows a bit frowned. ‘So… he’s been abusing you physically and mentally?’ he said. You nodded. ‘Yeah you can call it that, yeah.’ you admitted. ‘Why don’t you just go? Just leave him.’ said Mena. You let out a laugh. ‘I can’t.’ you said and you shrugged. ‘I wish I was that simple but it’s far from that. Jack threatened to either hurt himself or hurt me should I ever leave him.’ Mena sighed. ‘Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped you.’ ‘How, Mena? How would you help me? There’s nothing you can do. You don’t know Jack like I do, you don’t know what he’s capable of.’ you said. ‘All you can do, is just keep on doing what you always do. Just be your happy and sweet self, and make sure that when I’m on set I have a great time. Jack may take away my freedom and my friends when I’m home, but he’s not going to take away the freedom and friends I have here. Now, I believe we were on our way to grab a coffee?’ ‘Yeah, we were.’ said Mena. ‘Just- talk to me, yeah? Don’t leave me out on what’s happening anymore.’ You raised your hand in between you and Mena. ‘Pinky promise.’ you said. Mena smiled and intertwined your fingers. ‘Pinky promise.’ he said.

A month has passed since Jack showed up on the set. After that, you fell back into the same old routine. Wake up. Scared. Go to the set. Happy. Go home. Scared. Sleep. Jack hadn’t changed a single bit. The only thing that had changed was Mena. As sweet as he was, he checked in on you every day. He used to do that before, but only occasionally. Now, Mena asked you how you were doing every single day. And then he’d ask how you were doing when you weren’t on set. And if you were having a bad day, or Jack had been drinking the night before and he lost himself again, Mena would take you to a place where you could talk. Most of the times, this was his trailer. He’d tell everyone he needed a break, took you back to his trailer, sat you down on the couch and made sure the door was locked. And you talked to him. You told him everything. And it felt good. It felt so good to just let it all out. Your feelings toward Mena started to change. But you still didn’t dare to speak up to Jack, so you didn’t tell anyone about how you were feeling about Mena. You were glad you had a friend like Mena, someone who you could trust. You wouldn’t do anything to break that trust.

On one of the nights Jack drunk, you showed up on the set in pain. Your whole upper body was sore and underneath your sweater, your arms were covered in bruises. Mena noticed this, and wanted to talk to you, but he couldn’t find the time to. Both you and Mena had a busy day and lots of work to do. At the end of the day, Mena finally finished everything he had to do and went to find you. When he did, you were already packing your stuff and getting ready to leave. ‘Hey, Y/N!’ he said. You turned around and sighed. You weren’t in the mood for talking. ‘I haven’t seen you all day. I just wanted to check in on you.’ said Mena as soon as he caught up with you. ‘I’m not in the mood for talking now, Mena. I need to go home.’ you told him and you continued to walk. Mena caught up with you again and stood in front of you. You sighed. ‘Mena.’ you said. ‘I really can’t talk. Jack specifically said to go home straight away.’ You pushed past Mena and walked away. Mena watched you as you walked away. You always wanted to talk. And Jack always need you home right away. Something told him today was not like any other day. And something inside him told him that was a bad thing.

You knocked on the door. And again. And again. You tapped your foot impatiently. Raising your hand, you knocked again. On the other end of the door, you head someone stumbling over their feet. ‘Coming, I’m coming.’ said a voice. You stopped knocking and the door opened. Mena looked at you with tired eyes, his hair messy and a pair of sweatpants resting low on his hips. ‘Y/N?’ he said and he rubbed his eyes. ‘It’s nearly 2 am, what are you doing here?’ ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I ran and I had nowhere else to go.’ you choked out. He then noticed you were crying and quickly pulled you into his arms, shutting the door behind you. You wrapped your arms around his bare torso and proceeded to cry into his chest. Huge, uncontrollable sobs left your mouth and your whole body was shaking. Mena drew circles on your back to calm you down. ‘Shh, I’m here, I’m not going anywhere, I’m here.’ said Mena softly. ‘I got you, don’t worry. Just let it all out.’ You pulled away so you could look at Mena. Mena removed one of his hands from your back and wiped the tears off your cheeks. ‘I left Jack.’ you said. Mena looked at you, a surprised look on his face. ‘You did what?’ he asked you. ‘I left Jack. He started kissing me and I told him no and he wouldn’t stop and I just- I was just done. So I pushed him off me and I told him it was over. Told him I never want to talk to him or see him and that if he ever contacts me again, I’m going to the police. I grabbed my phone and my keys and I just left.’ you told Mena, fresh tears streaming down your cheeks. Mena immediately pulled you back into the hug. ‘I am so proud of you.’ he whispered in your ear. ‘I am so proud you finally stood up to that asshole.’ You pulled away again and smiled. ‘Yeah. I’m proud of me as well. I’ll just go back to get some of my stuff and I’ll get a hotel downtown. I’ll see you tomorrow on set. Sorry for bursting through your door in the middle of the night.’ you said and you chuckled. You wanted to turn around to walk away but Mena didn’t let go of you. ‘You think I’m going to let you go back to that apartment of that asshole?’ said Mena, looking at you with raised eyebrows. ‘After everything he did to you?’ he said. You opened your mouth to say something but Mena was faster. ‘I am not. You’re staying here tonight.’ said Mena. You smiled and stood on your toes to kiss Mena’s cheek. ‘Thank you.’ you said. Mena smiled and took your hand. He walked you to his bedroom and you sat down on the bed. Mena opened his closet and gave you one of his shirts. ‘You can wear that.’ he said. ‘I’ll sleep on the couch.’ ‘Thank you.’ you said. ‘Really, Mena, thank you. This means a lot to me.’ Mena smiled again. ‘Goodnight Y/N.’ he said. ‘Goodnight Mena.’ you said and Mena left the room, shutting the door behind him.

You changed into the shirt Mena gave you and laid down on the bed. You tried to get comfortable but no matter what position you would lay in, you couldn’t fall asleep. You sighed and got up. You opened the door as quietly as you could, in case Mena was already asleep. However, when you entered the living room you saw Mena was still awake. He was looking at his phone, the light illuminating his face. You’d figured he’d be asleep already, since it was late and you woke him by practically banging at his door. Mena must have heard you come in because he looked up and smiled when he saw you. ‘Hey.’ he said. ‘Couldn’t sleep?’ You shook your head, arms hugging your body. ‘Too much on my mind. And it’s weird, but I miss Jack’s company. Not him, but the feeling of being held, you know?’ You smiled. ‘Guess I just have to get used to it.’ A part of you was expecting Mena to offer to stay with you, and a part of you was scared it would get awkward. But all Mena did was smile. And so you said goodnight and returned to the bedroom. You were trying to get comfortable again, when the door opened. You turned your head and saw Mena walking up to the bed. ‘Make some space.’ he said softly. You moved over and Mena laid down beside you. His feet touched yours when he scooted closer. The two of you stayed silent for a while. Then you felt Mena wrap his arms around you, pulling you closer. You smiled as you felt a warm feeling in your chest. It had been a while since you felt that feeling and you smiled even wider. You closed your eyes and fell asleep within minutes.

For the next weeks, you occasionally went to your old apartment at times of which you knew Jack wasn’t there, taking some of your stuff and moving it to Mena’s place. Mena offered you could stay with him for as long as you wanted. You gladly accepted. The more time you spent with him, the more you caught yourself falling deeper in love with him. Mena felt the same. You still had to get used to it, though. It had been a while since someone had really loved you. Because you were sure that Jack may had loved you in the beginning of your relationship, but later on he was just using you, not loving you. But with Mena it was different. He really cared about you, and was happy with every moment he could share with you. You also told your closest friends at the set what was going on, including Will and Naomi. Everyone responded the same: that they were proud you stood up for yourself and that they were happy for you and Mena. You and Mena still hadn’t put a label on the thing going on between you, but everyone around you could see you were in love. You spent more time watching Mena as he was shooting scenes and you spent his breaks with him.

You tried your best to forget about Jack. Your friends, Mena, everyone would help you with that. Until one day it all went wrong. You were talking with Mena, Naomi and Will. You were sitting on a couch with Naomi, Will and Mena both in chairs around the table in the middle. You were just talking about the day when your eyes suddenly went wide and your mouth fell open. Mena, who was sitting in front of you, looked over his shoulder and got up. You got up as well, standing behind Mena and holding on to his right hand with both of yours. This couldn’t be happening. The person you saw wasn’t real. Jack walked up to you. He waved at you and your grip on Mena’s hand tightened. ‘Hello Y/N! Mena, Will, Naomi, nice to see you.’ said Jack. You took a deep breath and bit your lip. Jack stopped in front of you and Mena. You felt like throwing up when Jack smiled at you. ‘Y/N, sweetheart, when are you coming home?’ asked Jack. Mena stepped forward but you were faster. You let go of Mena’s hand and stepped closer to Jack.

‘Home? Home?’ you spit out. ‘Don’t get me wrong but you house never felt like a home to me. I was frightened of that place. Did you really think I stayed on set every day until after dinner time because I had work to do? Wrong! I stayed because I was frightened to go to your house! You know, you were sweet in the beginning; I’m not going to lie about that. But then you started turning my life into a living hell. And for years I was too afraid to tell you no. I was too afraid to stand up for myself. Not anymore! I told you I wanted you out of my life. I left you. We’re done, Jack, we’re over. We do not exist anymore. Just you and me, but there’s no us.’ you took a deep breath and continued, letting it all out. ‘I am happy now. I can hang out with my friends whenever I want to. I can talk to any guy I want. But most of all: I look forward to going home. Because now I know that someone is waiting for me, and I know that he actually loves me. He cares about me in a way that you never did. I told you we are over. I want you out of my life. If you ever contact me again or if I ever see you again, I’m going to the police. And I’m not joking!’ you said firmly, your voice becoming louder and louder with every sentence. Jack looked at you full disbelief. You felt Mena’s hand on your shoulder. ‘You heard the lady. Get off the set.’ said Mena. Jack looked from you to Mena and he raised his eyebrows. ‘This is the guy you replaced me with? Wow, Y/N. I thought you’d be better than that.’ said Jack. ‘Out.’ you said firmly. ‘Wow.’ said Jack as he shook his head. ‘Wow.’ he said again. He turned around and walked away. You turned around as well, facing Mena.

‘Is he gone?’ you said. Mena looked over your shoulder. ‘Almost.’ he said. ‘And he’s gone.’ ‘YES!’ You yelled. ‘Did you see what I just did?’ Mena smiled and wrapped his arms around you. ‘I did, sweetheart, and it was amazing.’ said Mena as you hugged him back. ‘Way to go Y/N!’ you heard Will’s voice behind Mena and you smiled into Mena’s chest. You turned your head so you could look at Mena, the biggest smile on your face. ‘I’m so proud of you.’ said Mena. ‘I love you.’ Your mouth fell open. He’d never said that to you. You smiled again and stood on your toes to press a kiss to Mena’s lips. ‘I love you too.’ you said against his lips. You had spent years with a man that told you he loved you, but you knew he didn’t. You spent years with a man that only used you, who you were frightened of. But now, you spent your time with a man that actually loved you. He loved you and he cared about you. You couldn’t wait to spend more years with him, to catch up on the years of your life that you had lost while being with the wrong man. Mena was never going to treat you like Jack did. Mena loved you. And that was all you needed.

A/N:

If you want to request something, make sure to read my house rules Here’s the list of characters I write for, I’ll be making a masterlist once I have written more. Thank you for reading! Much love, Jo

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donteattheappleshook · 5 years ago

Text

Of Cars and Bars Chapter 12/14

Ready to find out what happened between Emma and Killian five years ago?

As always, thank you Krystal @kmomof4 for all of your amazing beta work and for just being a lovely person. This story exists because of and is dedicated to you! (Thanks for the support even though I keep making you angry with all the angst!)

Summary:

Rated E

When Emma Swan is offered the chance to go on tour as an opener for one of the most popular up and coming bands of the decade, the last thing she expects is to find that the lead guitarist is the stranger she had a one night stand with five years ago.

This started out as a smutty two shot about Emma Ruby and Mary Margaret going on a road trip and has evolved into a slow-burn mutual pining angst-fest.

Read it from the beginning on Ao3 and Ffn because tumblr eats all my italics.

Chapter 12 - Falling Slowly

Well, you have suffered enough / And warred with yourself / It's time that you won / Take this sinking boat and point it home / We've still got time

Five years ago

Killian burst into Liam’s room, ignoring the way his brother cursed, the way Belle shouted at him to 'get the hell out', 'what time is it?'. He didn’t care. He walked up to the hotel room bed and threw the sheet music onto their annoyed, half-asleep forms.

“What the fuck is this?” Liam demanded, picking up the pages and frowning at him, looking like he was a second away from murdering him.

“A song,” Killian said. He couldn’t contain his grin, he was too happy. His heart was light, his chest full in the best way, every one of his muscles was singing with excitement and adrenaline.

“I can bloody well see that,” Liam snapped. “But why do you feel the need to throw it at me at -” he looked at the clock beside him. “For fuck’s sake, Killian, six in the morning?”

“I couldn't sleep,” he told them. He’d been up all night, too happy, too ansty, lyrics and music dancing around in his head, begging to be written, filling him with the kind of joy he hadn’t felt in a long time.

“So you decided none of us should?” It was Belle this time and she sounded just as annoyed as his brother, like she wanted him dead - and she was more likely to do it, he mused.

“I think this could be it,” he said. “I think this could be that hit that the producer was looking for.”

They’d been approached by a music producer, an agent who was interested in them, liked their sound, liked their vibe. But he’d said there was something missing. They needed something more, a real hit, something that would pull at heartstrings and make people want to dance and cover it and would make critics sing its praises as ‘real music’.

It had been a ridiculously high, stupid bar to set, one they thought was impossible, and Killian didn’t want to toot his own horn but he was pretty sure he’d done it - somehow. Not somehow, he knew exactly how.

Liam looked at the pages in his hand and Killian saw the moment his expression turned from annoyed to impressed, to hopeful. He handed the pages to Belle. “This wouldn’t have anything to do with a certain blonde woman who lured you off the stage last night would it?” he asked, eyebrows raised.

“It has everything to do with her,” he answered honestly. It did. She… Emma, even thinking about her sent a thrill through him, made his heart pound, made his breath catch. She’d come into his life out of nowhere, had brightened it, had made him suddenly want to write again, had made him want to love again. He didn’t know if he would ever be capable of it again, not after Milah. But between the car and the bar and being with her in that dressing room, her promising to meet him today… it gave him hope. Hope that he could love again, hope that he wasn’t broken, that he would find that happiness again, the one he thought he’d lost forever.

It was far too soon, far too quick, he knew that. But he couldn’t help it. The second he’d seen her there, angry and glaring at the road and then the way her whole face had lit up, the way she’d smiled at him on the dance floor, the way she’d touched him, the way she’d challenged him, the way she’d responded to him when they were together. He just - he knew. It was as simple as that. He knew that he could love her and that if he did, he would love her forever.

Liam was eyeing him warily. “Be careful, Killian.”

Killian ignored him. He didn’t have time for Liam’s pessimism, for his caution. He’d spent enough time being cautious, enough time guarding his heart. It was time to let himself believe that he could have love again, to let himself believe that he deserved it.

“I’ve gotta go,” he told him, dismissing his warning with a wave of his hand. “Share that with the guys, will you? I’ll see you at the show tonight."

“Where are you going?” Liam demanded.

Killian smiled. “I’ve got a date!” He slammed the door behind him.

He was early. Way too early. His date wasn’t until noon. He circled the block a few times, walked through the streets of New York, got to know them a little, but he couldn’t let himself stray too far. What if she arrived early too and got scared and changed her mind? So he stayed near, circling, until finally, at 8 he gave up and went inside the cafe. Whatever, he would order a dozen coffees and wait around until noon. He didn’t care. He was too nervous.

His leg bounced under him as his mind raced, remembering the night before, remembering the way she’d felt in his arms and under his hands but also, more than that, the way she’d smiled at him up on stage, the way she’d laughed at him in the car, the way she’d danced with him, the way she’d kissed him before leaving last night.

He got up, asked the barista if he could have some paper and a pen. She handed him some old order sheets, blank on one side and a sparkly pink pen, apologizing and saying it was the only one she could find.

“It’s perfect,” he told her. The smile she gave him was shy and a little flirtatious. If it had been any other day, any other morning before this one, he’d have flirted with her, smiled at her and maybe even asked for her number. But he couldn’t. Not now. Not when he knew that any minute - any hour, he reminded himself - Emma would walk through that door.

He returned to his table with another coffee - that was probably a bad idea considering the jitters that were already running through his system, but he liked it, liked this excitement and anxiety - the good kind, the kind he hadn’t felt in years. He wrote. He was having trouble stopping. He thought of her, of her forwardness and her brazenness and how strong she’d been and the tiny, miniscule bit of vulnerability he’d been allowed to see, thought of the shade of her hair and the curve of her face and he wrote.

He wrote three more songs before he looked up, the bell above the door ringing as someone walked in. It wasn’t her. That was okay, it was still only 11:30. He looked at his phone. He wished he’d gotten her number - idiot, he thought. But she had his. He waited, doodling on the edges of the page.

11:45. 12:00. 12:15. He checked his phone again. She had his number. Would she call if she was running late? 12:30. 1:00. 1:30. The energy that had been rushing through him started to diffuse, like air from a balloon. 2 oclock. Dozens of people came in and out of the shop, the barista brought him more coffees and with each one her smile grew sadder, sympathy clear on her lips. Was it that obvious? Was it written across his face that he was waiting for someone, someone who wasn’t showing up.

He made excuses, she’d gotten lost, she’d gone to the wrong coffee shop, she’d had to leave early… but she didn’t call, she didn’t text. He waited another two hours, and then another two more. At six oclock, he finally gave up, crumpling the bits of paper, the songs, in his fist. He walked over to the barista again, handed them to her.

“Throw this out for me would you?” he asked before walking out the door.

Present Day

Emma squeezed her eyes shut, trying to avoid waking up as long as possible. Her head hurt, she had expected that, but it wasn’t as bad as she thought it was going to be. No, that wasn’t what was worrying her about waking up. What was worrying her was the leather that was under her cheek, sticking to her face and probably leaving creases, and the warm breath on the back of her neck, the arm slung heavy across her waist.

Killian. He was still here. She couldn’t understand how he hadn’t run away after her embarrassing display last night, after she shunned him then tried to molest him and then dumped all of her emotional baggage on him. But she knew he couldn’t stay. There was no way anyone would stay after that - not for her, never for her.

If she shut her eyes, forced herself back to sleep then she wouldn’t have to be awake for the moment when he eventually woke up, realised what a terrible, terrible mistake he’d made getting involved with a mess like her and snuck out of his own room and out of her life. She was used to that, used to being left behind. She’d survived it with Neal and she would - probably - survive it with Killian. Probably not, but she’d have to.

She felt him stir behind her, heard his sharp intake of breath as he froze for a moment. Here we go, she thought. He breathed out heavily, the sound relieved, his muscles relaxing. The arm that was around her waist tightened a fraction and her eyes blinked open. What was he doing? Why wasn’t he bolting? She’d given him every reason to. His nose buried into her hair, he pressed his lips to her neck and she turned in his arms, frowning at his still half-asleep face. He smiled at her, one of those big, almost disbelieving smiles that made his eyes crinkle in the corners.

“You stayed,” he said and her heart started to race in her chest.

“I stayed?” she asked in disbelief. She stayed? Why wouldn’t she stay?

“I worried that you’d… regret what you said last night.” His eyes widened then. “Do you remember what you said?”

Did she remember? Did he? She’d poured her goddamn heart out to him last night, told him she wanted to be with him, told him all of her damage and her baggage and her fears… why had he stayed? Her chest tightened.

“I remember,” she said and the look of relief that crossed his face was a little heartbreaking. But so was the insecurity, the doubt.

“Emma, if you didn’t mean it - if you’ve changed your mind I-” He was giving her an out, she could tell. Maybe she should have jumped on it, taken it as a chance to run, to get away from this terrifying situation, from the possibility of letting herself love him and of letting herself be hurt. But he stayed. He stayed despite all the terrible things he’d learned about her and now he was afraid that she’d regret it, that she’d run.

She couldn’t blame him. She’d given him plenty of reasons to think she would. And that was when she realised… he hadn’t given her any reason to think he would run. He’d stayed tonight, yes, but he’d also stayed despite all the times she’d pushed him away since they met again two months ago. He stayed despite the fact that she’d run once before. She was an idiot. How in the hell had she ever doubted him?

“I don’t regret it,” she said and the worry left his eyes so quickly that it hurt, but it also made her smile a little, the corner of her mouth turning up as his did.

“And, um,” he scratched that spot behind his ear. “Do you remember what I said?”

She nodded, could feel her cheeks warming. “You said you were in this for the long haul.” He looked shy, still that bit of uncertainty but he met her eyes with an earnestness that sent her blood racing.

“I mean it, Emma,” he promised. “I want this. I want you. If you don’t, please tell me now because I don’t think I could take it if you changed your mind.”

“Warts and all?” she asked, only half-joking.

He laughed. “Warts and all.”

“You don’t…” It was getting harder to look at him so she settled for looking at his chest instead, fiddled with the pendants hanging there. “... mind them?” she finished lamely.

“I like your warts,” he said.

“Ew.”

He poked her in the side and she squirmed away. He didn’t let her go though. “I mean, that your past doesn’t scare me. I’m honored that you shared it with me. All it is is another part of you, another part of what made you who you are… and I’m quite fond of that woman.”

She smiled, finally meeting his eyes again. He wasn’t lying. “I…” Ugh. Words. “I like your warts too.”

He gave her an amused, affectionate grin. “Then are we doing this? Are we trying?”

She nodded, not wanting to stumble over words anymore and brought his face to hers. She kissed him and his hand came to her cheek, his touch gentle and sweet and she could feel his lips curling under her own. When she pulled back there was an expression she couldn’t read on his face.

“What?” she asked.

“I just - I was so afraid that you’d run again,” he confessed and the words were like a lead weight on her heart. He had every right to think that. But she’d run so many times in her life, not just from him, from everyone. And she was tired of it. She’d always been willing to lose the things she ran from before. But not now, not him.

“I already made that mistake once,” she said and she heard his intake of breath. They hadn’t ever talked about it, he hadn’t brought it up, but she couldn’t pretend it didn’t hang over them like some giant betrayal, a giant broken promise that gave him every right to doubt her, to never believe a thing she said again.

“Five years ago I-”

“Emma,” he said and she knew he was going to let her get away with it, dismiss it. But she couldn’t let him. He deserved better.

“No, let me finish. Five years ago I got scared because I was afraid of how much I liked you - even back then. And all I’ve ever done was run, so I ran away and I’m sorry. I don’t want to do that again.” She turned her eyes to him and he was looking at her with that softness that was so often on his face when he looked at her, when she tried to talk about her feelings - poorly. “I regretted it, you know. The second I got home.”

He gave her a surprised, hesitant smile, his eyebrow ticking up, and then kissed her again. “I forgive you,” he told her, because he knew that’s what she needed to hear. She took a moment to once again be amazed by how well he understood her.

“But, um,” he cleared his throat. “Now I’ll have to ask you to forgive me as well.” She looked at him in surprise - what could he possibly have to apologize for? “I broke our agreement.”

She raised a brow at him. “What agreement?”

“I wrote a song about you.” A smile tugged at her lips and she watched as the hesitation on his face turned to relief and then a little bit of that teasing glint she liked so much. “In my defence, I wrote it before we agreed to those terms.”

“When did you write it?” she asked, but she was pretty sure she knew the answer.

“Five years ago.” He looked at her nervously and she smiled, feeling almost shy but her heart raced in her chest, hoping she was right, a little afraid that she was right, but choosing hope, choosing happiness over the fear.

“Liam didn’t write your first hit, did he?”

“He wishes.”

She laughed and could feel the warmth spreading through her as he gave her another one of those smiles.

“Well, I guess you’re forgiven since you didn’t technically break the rules,” she allowed. He rolled them over suddenly and she was on her back with him hovering over her, his face bright and happy.

“I hope you’re in a forgiving mood then, because I’ve written about six more since.”

She laughed even as he brought his mouth down over hers and she reached for his shirt, pulling him down so she could wrap her arms around him and so that he could kiss her properly like he’d refused to last night. She moved to wrap her legs around his and squealed as she nearly had her toes squished.

“Are you wearing shoes in my bed?” she demanded, realising that he was still dressed in his coat and his boots.

“If you recall, you lured me into your bed last night fully clothed.” She scoffed, lured.

“Take those off. You’ll get the sheets dirty.”

He sighed dramatically, making a show of rolling his eyes.

“And so it begins. We’ve only been dating ten minutes and you’re already telling me what to do?”

She didn’t bother to hide her smile at the casual way he said ‘dating’. She couldn’t have if she wanted to. She liked the way it sounded way, way too much. He conceded though and rolled back off of her, onto his back so he could kick them off. He threw her a mischievous grin, one eyebrow raised as he looked at her over his shoulder. “Anything else you’d like me to remove while I’m at it?”

She wanted to laugh but stopped herself, cocking her head at him instead. She turned onto her side, propping her head up on her knuckles. “Well, that jacket feels a little overdressed,” she said casually. The smirk he gave her was sinful before he shrugged it off his shoulders.

“Better?” She raised one shoulder dismissively. “What?”

“I’ve never been a fan of that shirt, honestly.” That was a lie. He looked really, really good in that shirt. But he would look much better out of it.

“You don’t like it?” he asked, pulling at the front and glancing down at it. She bit her lip to hide her smile as he pulled it over his head, messing his hair up in the best way.

“Much better,” she said as she reached for his belt and used it to drag him back over to her. He laughed at her that way that he always did when she got a little eager - and she was eager. It was hard not to be when he looked like that and he went around talking about how they were dating and how he was in this for the long haul.

He didn’t get to say anything as she got up on her knees with him and slanted her lips over his, grabbing hold of that soft, lovely hair and holding him against her. He was happy to comply, his hands coming to her back, sliding under her shirt, his fingers warm against her skin and causing goosebumps to break out where he touched her.

She pushed her hips against him, wanting him closer, needing that confirmation that he wanted her as much as she did him and he groaned, hands sliding down to her ass, squeezing and pulling her against his already hardening erection. Lust shot through her and she pushed him down onto his back, and threw a leg over his hips so that she could sit astride him.

“You’re being very pushy,” he commented, an amused smile on his lips.

“Aren’t girlfriends allowed to be?” she teased and her heart stopped when his brows shot up.

“Girlfriends?” he asked and she felt her face flush.

“Shut up,” she said, leaning down and sealing her lips to his so that he couldn’t make another teasing remark if he tried. He groaned under her, his hand finding its way back to her ass and the other into her hair as he very happily let her keep him quiet. “I like it,” he said as she moved to trail kisses down his neck, his breath hitching when she reached a particularly sensitive spot. His fingers had found their way under the material of her panties, inching closer and closer to where she was already desperate for him.

“What’s that?” she asked, growing more confident as his breathing continued to become more laboured under her mouth on his neck and her hands on his chest, his stomach, his hips. “Me calling myself your girlfriend or me being pushy?”

He let out a choked sound when her hands reached a little lower. “Both,” he said, the word caught in his throat. Oh really? she thought. That could be fun. His hands came up to her sides, one wrapping around her waist as he started to sit up, probably to flip them over but she stopped him.

She put her hands on his shoulders and pushed him back down against the pillows. “No,” she said, holding him down to make sure he’d stay there. He raised an eyebrow at her in question, in challenge really and she held firm until he conceded, dropping his hands back to his sides.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want him in control - she loved it really. But he was always taking care of her, always putting her first, generous and considerate. And last night he’d taken care of her in a whole new way, one she wasn’t used to. She couldn’t return that favor now in kind but she could certainly return it in other ways - thank him in other ways. She needed to remember to put him first sometimes. That was part of being a girlfriend right?

Right now though, all she could focus on was the way he was watching her, with nervous excitement and desire. And on the length of him hard under his jeans, pressed against her where their hips met - she was pretty focused on that too.

She pulled her shirt over her head, mostly so that she could watch the way his eyes darkened, the way his teeth bit down on his lip and his hips pushed up against hers just a fraction. His hand came up to reach for her and she smacked it away nearly laughing as he pouted. He looked like he was gonna say something, like he was gonna change his mind about liking her pushy, but she rolled her hips over his and his head fell back and then he didn’t look like he could think much of anything, let alone say it.

She did it a few more times, revelled in the way he cursed softly under his breath, and she fought the urge to just rip his pants off now and let him sink into her. She leaned down, not stopping the motion of her hips, a slow, steady grind as she restarted her assault on his neck, licking and sucking and nipping at the skin there until he swore again.

She trailed her lips down his chest, finally having to stop rocking against him so that she could slide down lower, press open mouth kisses to the spot under his belly button, to each of his hip bones. He really had a habit of wearing his pants ridiculously low. She could see his hands fisting at his sides, his knuckles white, his chest heaving as she teased the skin above the denim waistband. She looked up at him coyly and a thrill ran through her. He looked wrecked and she’d barely even started.

“I don’t know if I’m crazy about these jeans either,” she said casually as she trailed a finger over them, over the hard ridge of him pressing against the material.

“Get rid of them,” he insisted and the desperation and the urgency in his voice made her laugh. Apparently he’d lost the ability to banter back. She waited, ran her hand over him a few more times, barely touching, light enough to nearly drive him crazy as she watched his jaw clench. “Swan, please,” he whined and she took pity on him. She was supposed to be thanking him after all.

She undid the buckle of his belt and the button of his jeans, slid the zipper down until she could see him, spilling out of his pants, hard and straining. Fucking hell.

“Emma w-” his words caught in his throat, turning into a strangled moan when she dragged her tongue along the length of him. “Fuck,” he panted, hand coming up to fist in her hair. She loved seeing him like this, seeing him desperate and needy and out of control. He had her like this so often - it was nice to be reminded that she had the same effect on him.

She slid his pants further down his legs, enough so that she could take hold of him. She waited, her mouth a breath away until he looked at her. She felt a stirring in her gut both at the way he looked at her and at the words she was about to say. “You were a real gentleman last night,” she told him, her hand sliding slowly up and down. “You took such good care of me.” She sped up the pace, watched as his eyes fluttered closed for a moment. “But you’re not gonna be now,” she said and his eyes snapped open, widened as he stared at her. “You’re gonna sit there and watch while I suck you off. You’re gonna let me take care of you.”

“Bloody fucking hell,” he groaned and his words sent a fresh wave of lust and heat to her core, had her pressing her thighs together to try relieve the ache. She kept up the movement of her hand, brought him to her lips as she watched him watch her, saw the heady desire in his eyes.

“Got it?” she asked, waiting for an answer before she did anything, before she gave him what he wanted.

“Yes,” he cried, half whisper, half moan and she took him into her mouth. “Fuck. Fuck,” he called out as she licked and sucked at him, taking more of him in before pulling back and swirling her tongue around the head of him. His hand fisted in her hair, hard enough to hurt and she felt a sort of pride at reducing the eloquent Killian Jones to a few monosyllables and curses.

God, she wanted him. But this wasn’t about her. Well, it was a tiny bit, she mused as she looked up again to see his eyes fixed on her, to see the way he was staring at her like she was the most erotic thing he’d ever seen. It made her feel like she was, and to know how much he wanted her, how good she could make him feel was a heady combination.

She’d kept her pace fairly slow, drawing it out until she heard his whimpered “Emma, Emma please. I need -” He hadn’t finished his sentence, his eyes screwing shut and his mouth falling open as he gasped, his hand pulling at her hair now. She gave in, she’d teased him enough. She pulled him deeper into her mouth, hollowed her cheeks as she sucked and bobbed her head faster, letting him sink further with each drag.

He was still watching, still doing his best to anyway, but his eyes kept screwing shut, his lids heavy when they were open as his breathing became more erratic. She felt his hips thrust up into her mouth, hitting the back of her throat before he caught himself. She thrilled that he’d lost control, even if just for a second.

“Fuck, Swan, yes. Gods, you feel so good,” he rambled desperately. She loved how vocal he was. Even that first time, the way he spoke, the dirty, filthy things he let roll off his tongue while he fucked her had turned her on more than anyone had managed to before. “I want to -” he stopped, swallowed the words. She pulled back, let her hand take over, kept up the pace as she looked at him.

“You want to what?” she insisted, refusing to give him back her mouth until he answered, despite the subtle way his hand in her hair kept trying to nudge her back. “Tell me.”

“Fuck, I want to come in your mouth,” he cried. “I want to come down your throat and feel you swallow it.” Emma moaned, she actually moaned, his words sending a wave of heat straight to her clit, a fresh shock of desire soaking the fabric of her underwear. She’d done it. She’d conquered the gentleman.

He was looking at her, waiting, his face starting to look nervous, shocked like he couldn’t believe what he’d said. She brought his cock to her lips and let her tongue dart out, meeting his eye as she swiped over the tip, watching the way his darkened before she slid her mouth back over him, sucking and licking and pumping, setting a punishing pace.

She could feel how close he was, felt him harden and swell under her tongue and she pushed forward, let him sink to the back of her throat, hit it once, twice before he came with a hoarse shout, holding her against him for just a fraction of a second too long as his whole body tensed before he relaxed and his hand fell from her hair.

She released him, smiling proudly as she rolled over onto the bed beside him looking over at where he was laying. He looked absolutely ruined, naked and panting with his head still thrown back against the pillow, eyes shut tight and breath passing roughly through his parted lips. She loved how he looked when he was like this. He was gorgeous, indecent and rakish and she bit her lip, thighs rubbing together to try and calm the ache his appearance stirred in her. Maybe that hadn’t totally made them even for him punching Neal in the face for her and taking care of her all night, but she thought it was pretty fucking close.

He looked over at her finally, his head flopping over onto its side against the pillow, his eyes only half open. “That was…”

She raised an eyebrow teasingly at him. “Oh, I could tell.”

He reached for her weakly and she let him pull her to him, let him catch her lip between his, open under her and let his tongue slide slowly and lazy over her own. “You’re amazing,” he sighed as he pulled back and she laughed against his next kiss. Sated Killian was absolutely adorable and she’d only just begun to realise it, had only just started to stick around long enough to see him in his soft, almost drunken glory.

She’d been an idiot, missing out on so many things because she was scared, missing out on getting to know him, on seeing all these new sides of him. She liked every new bit that he revealed to her. And the bits she wasn’t crazy about, she still found endearing because they were uniquely him, because they made up the man that she’d finally allowed herself to admit she wanted in her life - indefinitely.

His kiss became more insistent, the hand on her cheek tilting her face, letting him open her mouth wider under his, his tongue tasting and exploring her mouth with deep, deliberate strokes and she moaned against his lips. He rolled her onto her back before she knew what was happening, his hand sliding down to her breast, teasing her nipple into a stiff peak as she whimpered and arched into his touch. She felt his smile against her lips just before he pulled away to pay attention to her neck.

“Killian, you don’t -” she tried to say but she was cut off by the gasped ‘oh’ that left her when his fingers trailed down, his mouth taking their place over her breast, rolling the rosy bud under his tongue. “You don’t have to,” she managed to force the words out. “That’s not what this was about,” she tried to explain.

“Hush, Swan,” he said, his fingers trailing over her hip now, groping at her ass sliding under the fabric, nails biting briefly at her flesh before trailing back around to the front, toying with the elastic. “This is what boyfriends do,” he said seriously, but she could feel his smile against her skin and her heartbeat picked up at the word ‘boyfriend’. She felt like a high schooler but in the absolute best way. Her heart practically stopped when his fingers dipped down into her panties, to where she was already hot and desperate for his touch.

“Bloody hell, Emma,” he cursed. “You’re soaked.” She could only nod, tongue coming out to wet her lip when he teased her entrance, then slid slippery fingers up to her sensitive nub, circling it slowly. “Did you enjoy that?” he asked with awe and lust heavy in his voice as he continued his feather-light touch. She squirmed against him. “Did you enjoy sucking me off? Making me beg you for more? Making me come down your throat? Did it turn you on?”

“Yes,” she breathed desperately and he rewarded her with more pressure, making her cry out against his skilled ministrations. She was already rolling her hips against his fingers wantonly, seconds after he’d started touching her. She couldn’t help it, making him fall apart had brought her so close to the edge already. He let her ride his hand for another moment, growling low under his breath, before he slipped out of her panties and she cried out in protest.

“I think it’s only fair,” he said, settling into the open space between her thighs. “That since you got to taste me,” he gripped the fabric at her hips, slid it down past her ankles. Her heart was pounding against her ribs in anticipation, at the look in his eyes - like he wanted to eat her alive. “I should get to taste you.”

Fucking yes, she wanted to scream but it was swallowed by a gasp as his lips closed over her, pulling her clit into his mouth with no preamble. Holy shit, she was going to come right here and now if he kept that up. His tongue flicked out, teasing the nub with a few, quick strokes before he released it, his mouth opening hot over her core and she didn’t know whether to moan in frustration or in pleasure.

He licked her slowly, bottom to top, once, twice, before sliding his tongue into her, thrusting and curling against her walls. “Jesus Christ,” she cursed and he groaned appreciatively against her, the feeling vibrating through her core and sending a fresh wave of heat and slickness between her thighs. He groaned again.

She couldn’t take it. She needed to come. She was too wound up, too high, too close. She couldn’t take the teasing. “Please,” she begged, hoping he’d take pity on her like she had on him. He pressed another hot, open-mouthed kiss against her before finding her clit again, pulling it between his lips and sucking as he pushed one finger and then another inside of her.

“Yes,” she sobbed as he found the perfect rhythm, the way he always did, the steady rocking of his fingers and the pulsing against her sensitive nerves driving her higher and higher. She grabbed for his hair, needing to hold onto him, needing something to ground her to reality. “Don’t stop,” she begged between frantic gasps and cries. He redoubled his efforts, increasing the speed of his fingers, sucking harder, curling, licking, flicking, and she broke, her whole body convulsing, her thighs gripping the sides of his head, a shout bursting from her as the world went silent for a moment. The only thing that existed was the feel of his mouth on her and the shudders wracking through her.

He eased her down, slowing his caresses until her aftershocks subsided and she melted against the mattress in a boneless heap. She laughed, a disbelieving, weak sound leaving her. She’d heard that sex got better when there were feelings involved but she’d always thought that was a load of bull. But now, ever since that night a week ago where she’d decided to try, each time they were together was more intense, more powerful, more earth-shattering. And this time - Jesus fucking christ she had not been prepared for this time.

“That was...” she rasped, mirroring his words from earlier.

“I know,” he said and she looked down to see him smirking, cocky and smug. He crawled back up, wiped his mouth with a tissue and pulled her in for a sweet kiss before tucking her against his chest. “You know, I think I’m gonna like this boyfriend thing,” he mused. She smacked his chest lightly and he laughed. He was right though. She was definitely already liking it.

She hitched a leg over his hip and smiled when he grunted, feeling him stir against her. “How late are we for breakfast?” she asked, knowing that their friends would likely be waiting for them downstairs as they did most mornings so they could all eat together in the hotel restaurant.

“A bit,” he admitted. “I’m sure they’ll understand though that last night was -”

“No, you misunderstood me,” she interrupted him, grabbing his bicep and pulling to roll him over on top of her again. “How late do you think we can get away with being for breakfast?” His grin matched hers as he leaned down to kiss her again.

***

They missed breakfast. They arrived in the hotel dining room just as their friends were heading back to their rooms to get ready to board the bus in an hour. They had a three hour drive, a sound check, a little downtime to settle into their hotel, and then a show at eight. Emma didn’t notice the nervous, concerned glances Mary Margaret and Ruby shot her when she walked in - or the way they changed to shock when they saw her smile, her hand clasped firmly in Killian’s. Mary Margaret’s mouth hung open in disbelief, looking quickly back and forth between the two of them. Ruby’s grin was wicked, pleased and knowing.

“If it isn’t our new celebrity,” Liam exclaimed as they reached them. Killian rolled his eyes, waiting for whatever his brother was building up to. “Congratulations on going viral,” he said, sarcasm dripping from every word. “And twice in one night, too.”

‘What are you talking about, brother,” he sighed, but Emma knew he wasn’t as annoyed as he was pretending to be, he was too happy - she could tell, she was too.

Liam handed over his phone to show him two articles, one after the other. The first was a rumor about them, a suspicion that they were together, with photos of them singing last night, a picture of them with their arms around each other. The second article was about the party, with photos clearly taken on someone’s phone, of him knocking Neal out. Emma tried not to smile at the way Neal was referred to as ‘a one-hit wonder who had been mostly absent from the music scene after his second album failed to live up to his debut’.

“You’re trending on Twitter,” Liam told him scornfully.

“And instagram! And Tik Tok,” David added with more excitement. “There’s a looped video of you knocking him out - they set it to music. Here, look, it’s pretty great.” David moved to show him but Liam stopped him, displeased.

“Lighten up, Liam,” Killian said. “You’re just jealous that I’m going to have the ‘bad boy’ rep in the band now and not you. Besides,” he added. “He deserved it.”

Some of the anger left Liam’s face then, his eyes flickered briefly to Emma. “Yes, I know.” Her heart swelled a little. She knew that her friends must have told him some version of what happened with Neal, but to see Liam support her was… kind of touching. Liam was fairly aloof. It was nice to know he cared.

She looked around to see the others wearing similar expressions and she realised then how much she’d gained when she agreed to go on this little adventure. She’d found Killian, but she’d also gained three brothers, and another sister in Belle. She loved this little makeshift family they’d created (albeit a fairly incestuous one) but she loved them and she planned to hold on to them.

“I wish I’d done it,” Ruby muttered. She looked at Killian then. “But I’m glad you did. That was very cool of you.” A look passed between them, some sort of unspoken understanding and Emma wondered what secret they had, what score had been settled.

“We should get going,” Belle said, glancing at her watch and they all nodded in agreement. Emma’s stomach growled. Not having eaten since before the show last night and having consumed an entire bottle of whiskey leaving her hungry and desperate for something unhealthy. Killian glanced around the room and grabbed a couple of pastries before they were put away, snuck them quickly out into the lobby with their friends. He handed her one. She smiled and thanked him as they walked, their arms bumping against one another, far closer together than was necessary.

“So are you two together now?” Graham asked when they reached the elevators. The others didn’t say anything, but Emma could see them all watching them out of the corner of their eyes.

“Are you?” Killian shot back, looking between him and Ruby with a raised brow. She knew what he was doing, knew he was still trying to protect her, not wanting to announce their newfound relationship before she was ready. But she was ready. She’d kept him a secret too long. It wasn’t fair to him. She wanted them to know.

Graham grinned. “I asked you first.”

“Yes,” Emma said and watched as seven pairs of eyes widened in shock - Killian’s included. She shrugged them off, taking a bite of her pastry. She felt Killian’s smile pressed against the crown of her head, his arms slipping around her waist.

“Oh god, it was bad enough when they were hiding it,” Ruby groaned. “They’re gonna be insufferable now.”

Emma glared at her but it was half-hearted, the grin pulling at her lips much stronger.

***

They had just finished their set, Ruby, Mary Margaret and Emma all taking their bows and shouting their thanks at the cheering crowd. Emma smiled at her friends. They all had equally massive grins on their faces. Each show they played they had a bigger round of applause. Each time they were up there, there were more people in the stands, people coming to see them rather than only to see Abandon Ship! and tolerating the opening act. There had been signs today in the stands, signs with her name on them, with Ruby’s and with Mary Margarets, decorated with hearts and catchy slogans and drawings of swans. This was really happening. They’d really made it.

They said one final farewell and rushed off the stage, hearts racing and adrenaline singing in their veins. The cheers continued, they usually did, people now warmed up and ready for the main act. She found Belle waiting for them on the side of the stage, a wide smile on her face.

“I think they’re ready for the guys,” Ruby laughed.

Belle shook her head. “Listen.” They looked back towards the stage, paid attention to the cries and the cheers. It wasn’t for Abandon Ship! - it was for them. They were screaming her name, demanding another song. Her jaw dropped as she turned to the other women.

“What do we do?” she asked and Belle’s brow quirked up.

“You go back out there and give the people what they want,” she said.

“Our first encore,” Mary Margaret squealed. “How exciting!”

“What do ya say, Em?” Ruby asked. Emma nodded but paused, her friends watching her eagerly.

“Do you think… look maybe this isn’t the best time to go up there and improvise but do you think we could try something new? Do you think you guys could follow me?” she hesitated. It was a big ask, risking their first encore for her to take a chance and finally, finally put herself out there.

“Fucking absolutely,” Mary Margaret said and Emma’s eyes shot up at her friend’s language.

“What she said,” Ruby laughed. “Just go out there and play. We’ve got your back.”

“Always,” Mary Margaret added.

She was so goddamn lucky. She had the best friends - the best family - she could ever ask for. She grabbed both their hands, felt them squeeze hers tightly and together they walked back on the stage. Emma sat down, picking up her guitar - one of those acoustic-electric ones she was so fond of, and looked back at her band. They were ready, instrument and sticks in hand. They offered her reassuring nods.

“Thanks for that,” she said into the mic and the crowd cheered loudly. She smiled. Sometimes she understood why Killian hamed it up so much up here. She didn’t have that in her though. “If um,” she hesitated. “If it’s alright with you I’d like to try something new.” Another collective cheer. “I’ve never played this before for anyone -” she looked back at the girls. “We’ve never even played this one together so, uh, bear with us,” she joked. The crowd erupted again when she started strumming.

This was it. She could do this. It was time to put her money where her mouth was and finally play something real - something scary and vulnerable and so goddamn terrifying, but she needed to. And she knew he would hear it - knew that the sounds from the stage travelled to the dressing room where he and the boys were getting ready - knew that he’d hear it and that he’d know - he wasn’t the only one who’d broken their rule.

She thought of him when she sang and it made her feel braver. She’d thought of playing the one they wrote together - the first one - but she’d changed her mind. She didn’t want the first real, honest song she played on stage to be about Neal - he didn’t deserve that. Killian did. Ruby and Mary Margaret joined in after the first chorus, always able to read her so well, and that made her braver too. She didn’t have to feel vulnerable on stage because she wasn’t alone. She had backup. She had family.

The crowd was dead silent for a moment when they finished and Emma’s heart hung somewhere in her throat, waiting, terrified to see if they would like this as much as they liked what she’d played before, if it was enough. The screams filled her ears, a roar that went through the room, echoing across the stadium, blending into a single, booming sound that seemed to go on forever. Ruby and Mary Margaret joined her, wrapped their arms around her and thanked the crowd, their voices barely heard over the noise despite their microphones. She was too stunned to say anything, her eyes stung.

They left the stage and it was a moment before she could hear her friends’ voices - over the crowd yes, but also over the blood rushing in her ears.

“That was amazing, Emma,” Ruby hugged her. Mary Margaret joined in from the other side, sandwiching her between them so that she could barely breathe. She laughed, tears still wetting her eyes but with joy, with excitement. They’d liked it. They’d liked her music - liked the real her and she could feel that thought swelling in her chest, opening it, like all the doubts and the fears she’d kept locked away in there to protect herself were finally being set free - she didn’t need them anymore.

“Have you found him?” she heard Liam’s voice saying, a little frantic, almost scared.

“No,” Belle said, her voice equally worried. “Graham’s got people searching the whole building and David’s checking out back in the alleys in case he stepped out. Emma’s heart seized. Belle, Liam, Graham, David. That left only one person. Where was Killian?

“What’s going on?” she asked and Liam turned to her, his face hesitant, like he didn’t want to tell her and it scared her because she knew that look. That was the look people gave when they were protecting someone, when answering your question put someone else at risk. After a moment he sighed, still looking panicked. “Killian’s missing.”

“What?”

“He wasn’t in the dressing room. We thought he was out here watching you play but he’s not. Nobody’s seen him in over an hour when he got a phone call and stepped out to take it.”

“Has he done this before?” Emma asked, her heart now pounding heavily in her chest thinking of all the places he could be, all the terrible things that could have happened.

Liam winced and nodded. “The last time he did this... We found him a week later. He’d gone on a bender. He didn’t even remember where he’d been.” He hesitated, like he was worried whatever he said next could upset her. “Did anything happen last night? Or this morning? Anything that could have set him off?”

She wanted to be sick. Was this because of them? She knew Killian had his own issues, his own baggage. But he was so carefree, so lighthearted and so kind that sometimes she forgot about the darkness he had inside of him - about what he’d lived through. She worried that maybe he’d acted the way she had in the past - sabotaged something good because he was too afraid of it, because he didn’t think he deserved it.

“We need to find him,” she said. Liam nodded and they all grabbed their coats.

“Belle, stall as long as you can,” Liam told her. “If we’re not back in thirty minutes… cancel the show.” Belle understood, agreed, Emma saw her squeeze his hand tightly, reassuringly before he left.

“Find him,” she said.

They searched for over two hours. Looked in every hotel and bar they could find, called his phone, called the police, called the hospital. Liam even called a couple of local AA meetings. Nobody had seen him. The show was cancelled but that was the least of her worries. She needed to find him. She needed him to be safe and with each passing second she imagined worse and worse fates that might have befallen him.

She was the one to find him, in a bar nearly ten miles away from the venue. He must have walked there. She felt a fist gripping her heart, trying to pull it out of her chest when she saw him. He was sitting at the counter, a bottle of rum and an empty glass on the table in front of him. She pulled out her phone, texted Liam who said he’d be there in ten. She approached him slowly and felt the grip loosen when she saw that the bottle was still sealed.

“Killian?” she asked and he started, turned to look at her. His expression relaxed when he recognized her. He looked angry - he looked heartbroken, defeated, and sad, but the anger simmered under the surface. She sat next to him, reeling at how familiar this scene was, how quickly their roles had reversed. He had the glass between his fingers now, was glaring at the bottle and she couldn’t tell which pull was stronger - how much he wanted it or how much he hated it.

“What happened?” she asked and he didn’t answer for a long while, his fingers playing along the edge of the glass. At least he’d started focusing on it now and not the bottle. When he finally spoke his voice was hollow, even the rage gone from it now.

“Gold,” he said and Emma tried not to let the confusion show on her face, wanted him to say what he needed to, to explain. “Milah’s husband. He’s up for early release.” Fuck. She didn’t know how to comfort him, what to do. How do you help someone deal with the man who murdered his love being released from prison?

“Good behaviour,” he scoffed. “What that really means is that he has his hand in enough people’s pocket.” She put her hand on his arm and he finally set the glass down, finally looked at her. “I’m leaving,” he said.

“What?” she asked, hating how small and broken she sounded.

“I’m going back to England. There’s going to be an appeal. Milah didn’t have any other family. There’s nobody else to stand up for her - nobody else to tell people what a monster he was. I need to go back.”

Emma tried not to listen to the voice in her head, the one that repeated over and over: I’m leaving. I’m leaving you. But it only grew louder, more insistent. He hadn’t asked her to come with him, hadn’t needed her help. He was leaving. Just like that. It hurt how easy that decision seemed to be.

She saw Liam and David coming through the door. She stood up, nodding her head, fighting the tears that were burning her eyes and her throat. She had to get out of here. She couldn’t let him see her break, couldn’t make this about her. But she had to get out. She couldn’t stand by to watch him leave her. She deserved this, she figured. She’d left him more than once and karma was a bitch.

She left him there, with his brother and his best friend. He didn’t even try to stop her, didn’t seem to notice her leaving. Ruby and Mary Margaret were outside when she got there. They took one look at her face and wrapped her up in their arms, asking what happened, what was wrong.

“It’s over,” she said. “Everything.” She’d tried. She put herself out there, risked it. And he’d still left. “Let’s just go home. I’m done.”

#of cars and bars #cs fanfiction #cs fanfic #captain swan fanfiction #captain swan fanfic #cs au #captain swan au #cs smut #captain swan smut #cs angst #captain swan angst

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chaewonrk · 4 years ago

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starlight.

word count: 1,817. 20starbright2 : nova entertainment callback. performing move by little mix (00:29 - 01:29) - dancing / singing / charisma. outfit: top, shorts, shoes.

chaewon couldn’t hear any yells of her name from jie’s room, so she could only assume that whatever this star bright e-mail was, that jie wasn’t sent one. skeptically, prepared for the worst as usual, chaewon tapped on the notification without reading any more of the preview information. good or bad, she’d rip off whatever they wanted to tell her like a band aid.

nova entertainment was interested in her. it wasn’t kt or royal like she’d hoped, but she supposed she had listed and*roma as one of her musical influences. that was basically as good as putting down nova as her third choice. she was in half a mind to turn them down. maybe she would have, if it weren’t for the voice in her that sounded suspiciously like yuzu once again reminding chaewon of her own advice -- take the opportunity you’ve been given. what’s the worst that could happen? they tell her no? it wasn’t much, but it was still scary. if they turned her down, would her confidence survive it? chaewon was only just picking herself back up from her last bit of a wobble.

but on the other hand, maybe they’d say yes.

the possibility was enough to have her jumping off her bed to burst into jie’s room and tell her about the news, and ask if she had any of her own. either way, at least one of them was going to need a new outfit for her audition.

nova was famous for their dancers. she’d mentioned in her form and interview that she studied ballet. was that what piqued their interest? or was it her other dance experience? but, maybe they wanted to see her guitar skills, her more out of the box skillset. after a couple of nights of tossing and turning, watching back recordings of her dance classes from back at soundbox, and her routines and guitar covers that she’d posted to her youtube channel over the years, chaewon decided to dance for her audition. she assumed that her knowledge of an instrument would be something fun to break out for a special stage some time if she ever debuted. as an idol hopeful, they’d probably be more interested in her dancing. jinsoul’s suggestion that she go dressed as a princess to play them taylor swift’s love story was tempting though. if dancing failed, she could always break out her guitar next time. or ... it could be a good back up idea, maybe, if she really couldn’t settle on a choreography to perform. one of the outfits she and jie got was a really princessy floral dress.

she was currently leaning more towards one of the shorts combos though. something bright and energetic, perfect for the summer. she wanted her performance to give off that kind of vibe too. after going through all of the routines she’d taught at her soundbox class last year, chaewon eventually settled on move by little mix. it was fun, bouncy and she could demonstrate her fluency in english alongside her dancing and singing. she also, after a few runthroughs, found that she was able to decently sing it while she was dancing. there wasn’t any point in choosing a routine that she couldn’t catch her breath to sing with. her voice wasn’t anywhere near as jazzy as perrie’s in the pre-chorus, but she could sing it in her own way. the rest of what she had to sing was no problem. chaewon spent the rest of her days in preparation rehearsing, and when she wasn’t, she was still singing the pre-chorus as she walked around the apartment, practicing putting more power behind her voice.

she wouldn’t stand for doing anything less than her best. she knew she wasn’t the best out of everyone, and for that reason, she wasn’t sure that being the best park chaewon would be enough. by the time callback day came around, chaewon only felt bad for jie and their neighbours, who had to put up with her singing the same lines over and over again. she’d put herself through having to do this, so how could she have felt bad for herself?

chaewon promised she wouldn’t feel bad about it, regardless of what the outcome ended up being.

on her relatively short journey from seodaemun-gu to hongdae, chaewon listened to move on repeat, practicing in her head every step she was ideally going to take in the audition room -- from the moment she walked in, to the moment she walked out. it ended up being very good that she left a little bit early, because chaewon managed to walk past the nova entertainment building three times before she realized that she was just looking in the wrong direction. she never was very good at reading maps. once she got to the door, a sudden sense of anxiety pulled at her, forcing her to take a step back. chaewon looked to her side, hoping she could will one of her friends into magically appearing next to her. no such luck. just plain old park chaewon shuffling from foot to foot outside nova entertainment’s front door.

with a deep breath and with all of the advice she’d given her friends playing in her mind, chaewon stepped pulled open the door, stepped through, and let it close behind her before she had the chance to change her mind. she didn’t want to be on file as the girl who didn’t even show up for her callback with nova after she accepted it. instilled with a new surge of determination, chaewon marched herself up to the reception desk, proudly presenting herself to the member of staff who guided her to a corridor outside of what she could only assume was a practice studio of some kind. her suspicions were proven correct, when she managed to slyly catch a glimpse of the room behind the door as a guy left, presumably having just wrapped his own audition. there was a panel in there, which chaewon knew there would be. she felt less nervous having seen them for just a second. they were just like any other audience at the end of the day.

finally, it was her turn. having fully warmed up while waiting, chaewon tossed her hair back, rolled her shoulders a couple of extra times for good measure, and entered the audition room. she smiled warmly at the panel as she entered and took her place at the center of the room, taking an extra second to give a gracious nod to hyun bin himself.

“hello!” chaewon bowed to the panel, and as she came up she framed her chin with her hands like a flower. “i’m park chaewon! i’m twenty-one years old. i’m excited to perform for you today! i’ve prepared a song and a dance.” the panel’s silence was intimidating and slightly disconcerting, but chaewon kept on smiling. she turned to the staff member she’d given her audio to and gave them the nod that she was ready for her minute to start. one minute. one minute was all she had, so it would have to be all she needed.

you know that i've been waiting for you don't leave me standing all by myself cause i ain't looking at no one else

chaewon’s voice rang out crisply, singing voice as chirpy and bright as ever. she started off with a bouncy little spin, hair whipping around while she turned, leg kicking up behind her and one hand forming a finger gun as she sent the judging panel a wink on the word you. as she transitioned from her freestyle section into the real choreography, chaewon thanked herself for picking a song like move, where the challenging vocal part for her was at the start, so she didn’t have to deal with it later, when she’d inevitably be more out of breath. even though she was singing at the top of her range, chaewon kept wearing a smile. she’d practiced so hard for that very reason -- if she just got through the pre-chorus, it was all plain sailing from there on. chaewon was doing her best to show them that the lyrics were no coincidence. she had been waiting for a chance like this. she’d been waiting for them.

hey, get your back off the wall don't you get comfortable looking so hot i think that i might fall feeling like it's my birthday like christmas day came early just what i want so when we move you move

once the vocals got easier, chaewon took the opportunity to really turn on her charm, as if the panel could actually be tempted to get out of their seats and move with her. with her flirty smile and the cock of her head at think that i might fall when she came back to face the panel after her twirl, chaewon couldn’t deny that she was actually feeling herself. she’d always been a big believer that practice meant perfect, and she’d spent the week practicing nonstop. the pay off in the performance felt immensely satisfying.

get your back off the wall don't you get comfortable looking so hot i think that i might fall feeling like it's my birthday like christmas day came early just what i want so when we move you move

the hey! in the background track, when chaewon skipped forward, hands in the air, signaled her cue to take the energy up another notch. she’d been at a solid eight before, but in that moment, she took it to a nine. as nervous as she had been when first stepping into the nova entertainment building, the nerves had almost completely converted into adrenaline and buzz for the performance while she warmed up outside the audition room -- now, chaewon was able to put her best foot forward, and show the judges the realest version of park chaewon, a girl whose best self came out when she was on stage. with a grin and a cute ‘come hither’ motion, chaewon dropped low to the ground, coming back up and capturing the mix of cutie-sexy that she wanted to show off, hairography and all.

i know that you wanna but you can't cause you gotta stay cool in the corner when the truth is that you wanna move so move

it was time to turn it up to ten. come on, hyun bin, come on, panel. when she snapped back up from her bend and snap moment, chaewon gave a smile especially to the ceo-man himself.

i know that you wanna but you can't cause you gotta stay cool in the corner when the truth is that you wanna move so move

she wanted the lyrics to be true. even if she had only had a minute, no matter how much she wished she’d had only thirty more seconds to show them her choreography in full, chaewon hoped more than anything that even though the panel had to stay silent, had to stay cool, that she’d inspired them to want to move too. heart beating fast as she lowered herself into her final position, chaewon finished up by tossing her hair back and holding up a finger heart to the judges. cheeks flushed pink, chaewon popped up quickly once the music cut and gave the camera and the panel another, deeper bow.

“thank you so much for the opportunity.” she almost thanked them in english rather than korean, still slightly stuck in the world of the song. with one last smile, hands coming together in an act of gratitude, chaewon made her exit.

she didn’t know what they thought, or how she would react to the results, but for the time being, chaewon was proud of the fact that she’d practiced her hardest and performed her best.

#20starbright2 #AAHH it's so long i'm sorry #i almost wrote more after she finished up the performance BUT yeah it's long enough as it si #*is #mentions:#yuzurk #rkjie #jinsoulrk #also now i can focus on finishing her plots page and plotting again!! so she can get more relationships and isn't mentioning the same pplLOL

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daggerzine · 5 years ago

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Ray Farrell on music and his time at SST, Blast First, Geffen and many more.

Ray Farrell has had a lifetime surrounded by music. First as a fan as a young kid and then eventually working for a series of record labels. He’s obviously a fan first and foremost as you can tell by reading below. It also seemed like he was there at the beginning of some major music scenes happening.

I had met Ray very briefly at one of the A.C. Elks hardcore shows that Ralph Jones put on in Atlantic City in the Summer of 1985 though Ray doesn’t remember it (honestly, a bunch of us were standing in a circle and chatting so I’m not even sure if any proper introductions were done).

Anyway, knowing some of the record labels that Ray had worked for I wanted to hear the whole story. I contacted him and shot him some questions and he was more than happy to elaborate and let us know where he’s been and where he’s going. Take it away, Ray!

Where did you grow up?

RF-Jersey City and Parsippany, New Jersey in the 60/70’s. I have two younger brothers.

What did you listen to first…classic rock or stuff earlier than that?

RF-Rock wasn’t classic yet. My earliest memories of music are my parents’ modest collection of 45’s and grandparents’ 78’s. My mom had a handful of singles on Chess and Satellite (pre-Stax) that she said fell off a truck. We rented our house from a family connected to the mob. The records probably came from them. My mom and her sisters often sang Tin Pan Alley era songs at family gatherings. Harmony was encouraged!

Some records I heard as a toddler stayed with me forever. Lonnie Donegan’s “Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor?” is a skiffle classic. Chuck Berry’s “Guitar Boogie” and “Last Night” by the Mar- Keys are still favorites. I remember being spooked by the overblown production of the “Johnny Cash Sings Hank Williams” e.p. on Sun Records. In the mid 60’s, my mom had top 40 radio on in the house unless my dad was home. When I was in kindergarten, a high school neighbor in our building babysat me for a couple hours after school a few days a week. Her girlfriends came over regularly. They listened to a lot of doo-wop, which I still love today. The babysitter and her friends taught me how to slow dance, even though I wasn’t nearly a full grown boy. J

My best friend in 7th grade was a Beatles fanatic and we immersed ourselves in decoding clues to the “Paul McCartney Is Dead” gimmick. That was a brilliant scam and a fun short term hobby. It was a deep dive into The Beatles music as a junior music detective. By the time I started buying records, The Beatles were on their way out.

I happily lived for many months on only three albums-

CCR’s “Bayou Country”, Iron Butterfly’s “In A Gadda Da Vida” and the Beatles “Sgt. Pepper.” I joined the Columbia Record Club. I got the first twelve albums for one buck. That was a popular scam. Those first twelve records shaped my taste because they were the only records I had. I didn’t know what to order but I chose very well in retrospect. After that, I bought a lot of records. I didn’t smoke, but many of my friends did. A carton of cigs cost the same as an lp- 5 bucks.

I learned in 7th grade that if I knew the songs that girls liked, we would have something to talk about. Girls loved Tommy James and The Shondells and The Rascals. I still do! I had a wider range in music taste than most of my high school friends. Everyone in my extended circle loved the Stones, Neil Young and the Allman Brothers. In a tighter circle we were into David Bowie, Lou Reed, Sparks, Todd Rundgren etc. I loved Mountain, Led Zep, Hendrix, Budgie, The Kinks, Alice Cooper, Sabbath. At first, The Stooges seemed too deep and serious for me. A little scary because I thought if teenagers felt like this all over the world, I’m doomed. I bought the album with “Loose” and played that song for weeks before listening to the rest of it. The girl next door had Iggy’ s “Raw Power” album the week it was released. When glam rock was happening in England, there was a weekly NYC radio show that played the Melody Maker Top 30 singles. I was fascinated by T.Rex, Slade, Hawkwind. I don’t recall if prog rock was a tag yet, I knew that I didn’t like songs that rambled on for more than 7 minutes. There were exceptions of course- some King Crimson, Yes, Mahavishnu. I was impressionable. Radio station WBAI hosted “Free Music Store” concerts with local acts. One show was a keyboard group called Mother Mallard that had banks of synthesizers on stage. They were similar to the music of Phillip Glass and Steve Reich, who you would only hear on that same radio station. I talked myself into buying their records, but it took years to comprehend them. I was too young to be listening to such serious stuff. I played soccer and ran track for a couple years. During meets at other schools, I made friends. At parties I heard Issac Hayes, Bohannon and James Brown records. Brown was all over top 40 radio. Rhythm guitar was my jam! Soul and funk records were best for that. I spent many nights listening to AM radio. The signal travels farther at night, so I’d listen to stations far away. It didn’t matter what kind of music it was. Some of my relatives had short wave radios. I was more interested in radio production than short wave content. The production quality has not changed much since then. It often sounds like broadcasts trapped in the ether for the last 30 years.

While I was in high school, it was common for local colleges to host rock and jazz concerts for low prices, sometimes free. The schools had to spend the money sitting in the student union coffers. There was a live music club in my town called Joint In The Woods. The venue began as a banquet hall that doubled as a meeting hall for Boy Scout Jamborees and the like. When it became the Joint, it was a disco. The first night of live music was a show with Iggy & The Stooges. The regular disco patrons were pissed! The guys were mostly goombah’s in Quiana print shirts and bell bottoms. Three or four guys smacked Iggy around after his set. Sure enough, he played Max’s Kansas City the next night as if nothing happened. Because of this club, touring bands were suddenly playing in my town. Badfinger, Roy Wood’s Wizzard, Muddy Waters. The NY Dolls were scheduled but didn’t show up. Springsteen was often an opening act. The N.J. legal drinking age had just lowered to 18. It was a great time. I was still in school, so I wasn’t staying out on weeknights.

I was determined to learn NYC music history by hitting all the Greenwich Village clubs and talking to the owners and bartenders. It didn’t matter what kind of music they specialized in- I was into the vibe. There were occasional scary nights parking near CB’s or jazz spots in that neighborhood. Folk music was on FM radio at the time. A high school friend booked a local coffee house called Tea & Cheese. Mostly locals and ambitious tri-state artists. Martin Mull, Aztec Two Step, Garland Jeffries. Some of Lou Reed’s touring band, The Tots, played there. I went to all kinds of record stores, mainly those that sold rock imports and cutouts. I was fascinated by the street level buzz of a record. In ’74, I heard dub reggae for the first time. The only stores to get that music were in Queens because there was a strong West Indian community there. It may have been the “Harder They Come” soundtrack that got me started. There was a “pay to play” radio station in Newark - WHBI. DJ’s had to buy their airtime. Arnold “Trinidad” Henry had a weekly show playing new calypso and reggae. He was more into calypso than reggae. A lot of calypso was political and comical. Arnold was fascinating! There was often a personal crisis he’d talk about on the air. My favorite incident was when he said that his life had been threatened during the program, so he locked himself in the studio.. Someone called the cops. They convinced him to unlock the door. He just wanted more airtime. Arnold played the first reggae dub track I’d heard- full dub albums were a new concept at the time. Most dub was found on the flipsides of reggae 45’s. One of the shows sponsors was Chin Randy’s Records in Queens. I trekked out there by train to buy my first dub records. That was a trip! Randy Chin’s family went on to start VP Records.

What was the first alternative/independent music you got into? How did it happen (friends? older siblings?)

RF-The term “punk” as a music style hadn’t been coined yet. I vaguely recall equating “punk” with the great “Nuggets” compilation or something Greg Shaw might have writ in Bomp Magzine. I didn’t identify labels as independent. I knew that if the label design was simple and the address was listed, it was probably a small company. There were plenty of record stores carrying obscure stuff. I bought import records from a few NYC stores. I took the bus in until I was old enough to drive. One store Pantasia, was up in The Bronx. I went there one Christmas eve day to get the import of the second Sadistic Mika Band album. The clerk talked me into buying the harder to find first album as well. He said it sounded like Shel Talmy produced it. I knew who that was and it was a revelation to talk to somebody in a record store at that level. That is what a record store should be! I read Phonograph Record magazine, Bomp and Trouser Press regularly. Patti Smith and Television self released their debut singles- those are the first “indie” records I bought, followed by the first two Pere Ubu singles. I remember hearing the Modern Lovers’ “Roadrunner” from the Bezerkley Chartbusters comp on WFMU and thinking that there must be more music like that. It was refreshing.

Seeing Patti Smith and Television perform at CBGB’s changed my life. I connected the dots. I had BÖC albums on which Patti had co-writes. She had a poem insert in Todd Rundgren’s “A Wizard, A True Star” album. She read a Morrison poem on a Ray Manzarek lp. She wrote for rock music mags with distinctive style. I read a brief story about her in the Voice and went to see her do her annual Rock N’ Rimbaud show. Shortly after that she and Television played CBGB’s for six weekends in early ’75. Both bands were really great. Patti didn’t have a drummer yet. Richard Hell was a big inspiration to me. He looked cool. He played bass like he just picked it up the month before. That was a new concept. Television changed bass players in the middle of the residency. Television was the first band I saw with short hair and they dressed like teenage delinquents circa 1962. The CBGB’s jukebox had a good number of 60’s garage records. In my head I conceived Television to be inspired by that music. Made sense to me- Lenny Kaye, who assembled the “Nuggets” comp, is in the PSG. When I went back to see Television headline, The Ramones opened. Seeing The Ramones again, Talking Heads opened. It seemed like the streak of seeing great new bands would not end. They were distinctly NYC sounds. They could not have merged anywhere else. I remember avoiding the band Suicide because I didn’t think the music could be good J. Bands like Tuff Darts, Mumps and The Marbles opened shows but I wasn’t thrilled by them. A CBGB’s band that doesn’t get mentioned much is Mink DeVille. They wore matching outfits like they were playing a low budget Miami dive in 1962J. The club still had the small corner stage. The p.a. was ok and the bands had small amps. The music wasn’t loud in a “rock” way. You could sit at a table right in front of the band. Although we consider the club a birthplace of punk, the club showcased local bands that had been around for a while. I think the club upgraded the p.a. once before building the big stage. I realized at that point that when a band was great or at least interesting live, the records were basic documents of the band’s sound.

What was your first job in the music scene/industry?

RF- Before realizing I wanted to be in the business, I hounded import mail order guys on the phone about non-lp b-sides and albums that weren’t released stateside. I was fascinated by the process. Why were some records not in stores even though they had local airplay? My dad did not listen to much music, but he had an army buddy that made a living in Al Hirt’s band. He came to our house once. He gave my dad a copy of John Fahey’s “After The Ball” album, which he played on. I liked his stories about the session man side of the business. Fahey treated him well. I was generally shy, but when it came to music I would approach anyone I thought I could learn from. I heard horror stories about the music biz in NYC but learned later that those were a mob related labels. At the time, I thought the entire NYC music biz might be that way. I planned to move to California anyway. In high school, I go-fer’d at local Jersey radio stations and talked my way into meeting a few top FM radio dj’s. I thought I wanted to be a professional dj, but my dad wisely talked me out of that. The itinerant radio jock life would not be for me. It was a racket.

In ’76, I took a long low budget cross country trip with my high school sweetheart. Along the way, I stayed in Memphis for three weeks with a cousin who was stationed at the Millington naval base. Got a job at a hip movie theatre that served liquor. I found Alex Chilton in the phone book and spent an afternoon talking with him. I wasn’t yet legal drinking age in Tennessee. It amused him that a fan showed up in his town who was not old enough to drink. En route to Cali, Tulsa, OK was on my route to find Shelter Records and studio , but it shut down and the label moved to L.A. At the time, Dwight Twilley’s “I’m On Fire” was a radio hit. I didn’t think there were still bands like that. Twilley was from Tulsa, but had moved to L.A. by that time.

When I arrived in L.A. I visited small label record company offices. A few offered me jobs or references. I spent two weeks crashing at the Malibu house of a distant family friend. I didn’t want to live in L.A. but I was encouraged by the opportunities. I got a job at the famous record store- Rather Ripped in Berkeley, CA.

Patti Smith told me about Rather Ripped before I left Jersey. In ’75, she and her band went to California for shows in L.A. and Berkeley. The northern Cali shows were set up by the store. She did a poetry reading there. This is well before “Horses” was released. I bought a couple records from the store’s Dedicated Fool mail order service. They had a monthly catalog on newsprint. Thousands of records in tiny font. Every record was described with a few words. This is 1976 and punk rock was just getting started. I worked as a prep cook in a charcuterie associated with Alice Waters’ famous restaurant Chez Panisse. The proprietor knew the record store owners. I wasn’t actively looking to work there, but I talked about music all day every day. They fast tracked me for an interview. Because of a scheduling mistake, Tom Petty interviewed me for the job. His first album just came out and “American Girl” was close to being a hit single. The band came to the store before a local show. Tom overheard the owner apologizing for not being able to do the interview, so he offered to conduct it. It was great. I knew all about his label, Shelter Records. I deliberately avoided talking about The Ramones and Patti Smith because punk was new and against the grain. At the end of the interview Tom told the owners that if he lived in Berkeley, he’d buy all his records from me. The store owner still had to interview me formally the next day, but I knew that I nailed it.

It was owned by two dynamic gents that were connected to Berkeley society and Bay Area journalists. They weren’t typical record store guys. They celebrated the 70’s in the moment. They held court with well known music scribes, musicians, dj’s. They were good friends of The Residents. Perhaps my strangest story is meeting The Residents with the Rather Ripped owners at a S.F. Irish bar that specialized in Irish Coffee’s. I had only recently heard of the group, so I was not cognizant of their marketing myth. At the bar, we were with our girlfriends and wives. One of the Residents tried to convince me and my gf to go back their place for a hot tub session. I laughed out loud and said “geez, what a bunch of hippies”! We didn’t go. In retrospect, I should have gone on the condition that they wore eyeball heads in the tub. At that time, The Residents rarely performed live, but they did in 1975 for the store’s birthday party. The early Bezerkley Records (Jonathan Richman, Greg Kihn) was distributed to stores through Rather Ripped. Their office was a few blocks away. At the store, each employee had unique music taste and expertise. Pop music was changing rapidly with a new energy. Some of us were tapped into it. We all had to know the key new releases in every genre because we were tastemakers. Major labels would beg us to do window displays for new releases. But if they could not find a store employee that liked that artist, it was no go. So, no Pablo Cruise window display. We weren’t against major labels, but we put a lot of energy into selling the ton of music that we loved. Our focus was on imports, indies, promos and cut outs where we could get a good price mark up. We had a rare record search service with customers all over the world. We’d find rare records through trade-ins and by combing record stores all over the state.

There were a few import distributors, but they weren’t hip to many small run U.S. independent releases. That was understandable because bands didn’t often press enough records for a distributor to get excited about. In other words, why spend half your day hunting down records that were only pressed in small quantities. Just as they start selling, you’re out of stock. There gonna sell a hell of a lot more Scorpions’ picture discs! As always, some distributors financed exclusive re-pressings of records that had momentum. The only way to get records like Roky Erikson’s “Two Headed Dog” single or The Flamin’ Groovies’ “You Tore Me Down” 45 was directly through mail order. I wrote to label addresses listed in Trouser Press and fanzines to buy direct in order to sell them in the store with no competition. Major label sales reps didn’t prioritize us because we didn’t shift bulk units of the hits. However, we were so plugged in to the lesser known artists that we were a good place for record companies to try and start a buzz. We could swell 50-100 of a record that all the other stores sold a handful of. Bands showed up at the store while touring. Springsteen bought Dylan bootlegs from us by mail order. Patti Smith’s manager Jane Friedman used the store as a home base when Patti and John Cale came through the area.

Berkeley is in the East Bay of the S.F. bay area. A few months after starting at Rather Ripped, I realized that the city had a rich music scene well before punk /new wave started. There was Fantasy Records, a well known jazz r&b label but best known for CCR; Arhoolie, Solid Smoke, Metalanguage; the contemp classical labels- Lovely Music and 1750 Arch; folk and blues labels like Takoma and Olivia. Of course, bands like Chrome and others started labels to release their own music. Ralph Records was started by The Residents, and they began signing bands. Rather Ripped was also a center for improv, electronic and meditation records.

In ’77 or ’78 I joined the nascent Maximum Rock N Roll radio team. This was well before the magazine. In the early days there were weeks when we didn’t have enough new punk records to fill the two hour weekly show. Tim Yohannon was all about energetic, real rock n roll, so he filled in the program with records by Gene Vincent, The Sonics etc. BTW, Tim applied green masking tape to the three closed sides of every record he had. He gave me a Mekons double single he decided he didn’t like. It was in a gatefold sleeve that he sealed shut with his green tape! Sometimes he re-designed the cover art…never for the better. He made his own pic sleeves for 45’s that didn’t have them. Bands would stare at their own records in bewilderment. Tim was archiving the records of the entire punk and hardcore movement worldwide.

Eventually, Tim brought in Ruth Schwartz, and Jeff Bale as co-hosts- both great people. Jello Biafra was a frequent guest. Tim assembled the “Not So Quiet On The Western Front” lp and later organized syndication for the radio show. I remember hearing the first Disorder ep and thinking -this is the future! J It was exciting. But soon, most hardcore records sounded alike to me. It was like- “Do you want more fries with your fries?” I went to plenty of live shows without knowing a lot about the bands playing them. I was happy when the fashion trended away from jackboots to sneakers…getting a boot kick to the head in a stage dive could be brutal. I didn’t see a lot of skinhead violence at shows, but I know it was changing the scene.

San Francisco and Berkeley were important music centers, activist meccas as well as creative artistic and intellectual hubs. Yohannon had history as an activist. He identified with public protests for causes & social issues. For many teenagers, punk rock was a rite of passage. I think it changed a lot of kids’ lives for the better. The overriding message was to be civically aware of what is going on around you and what affects your life.

Tell me about your time at Arhoolie Records. Where was it located?

Rather Ripped’s owners had a falling out and the remaining owner just wanted to sell records and antiques with his wife. He moved it to a nearby city. Just before the store closed, he told me of an open position at Back Room Distribution, a division of Arhoolie. It was in El Cerrito, a small town north of Berkeley. Chris Strachwitz, the owner of Arhoolie is a legendary record man. He recorded many of his early blues albums with a tape recorder in his car. He owned the legendary Down Home Music store in the same building. Separated by partition behind the store was Back Room. It was an indie label distributor for blues, folk roots music. Rounder Records was still a new label at the time. I gotta admit, when Rounder issued The Shaggs “Philosophy Of The World’ I was in seventh heaven. I worked primarily for the distributor, grooming to be a sales rep but I spent a lot of time in the store. At first, I didn’t yet relate to blues and country music. But there were a lot of touring artists in those styles making a living. It was a strong network of clubs, fans, radio shows and press that fueled it. The store had an incredible selection of obscure 50’s/60’s rockabilly and garage band comps. The Cramps were my favorite band at the time. The rockabilly comps mostly on a the Dutch White Label, were treasure troves of insane songs. My heart was in new music- whatever you wanna call it, punk, new wave, art music. That’s the business I wanted to be in. I used my time to learn more about distribution operations. The people that worked at Arhoolie and in its community were fun music heads. There were a lot of good musicians among them. It was a great time to live in Berkeley.

What was next, Rough Trade and CD Presents? Was that in San Francisco? I went to that Rough Trade store a few times and it was an amazing store.

I knew folks from Rough Trade UK because I bought imports from them to sell @ Rather Ripped. When they wanted to open in the U.S. they contacted me, but at the time the wage was low and there wasn’t enough space to work. I was interested in working in the distribution division, not the store. They speiled something about it being a socialist business. I stayed at Arhoolie for a little while longer. In the meantime, I was offered my own weekly late night radio show on Pacifica’s KPFA in Berkeley- same station as Maximum Rock N’Roll. I took over a show called “Night Sky”, an ambient music program. My interim program title was “No More Mr. Night Sky” until I settled on “Assassinatin’ Rhythm”. The station’s music director was a contemporary classical composer closely associated with avant -garde and 20th century music. A major segment of my show was for industrial, post-punk and undefinable music. I hosted a few live on- air performances with Z’ev, Slovenly and Angst among others. Negativland’s “Over The Edge” program started on KPFA around this time. KPFA was 100,000 watts of power with affiliate stations covering the Central Valley down to Fresno and Bakersfield.

When the time was right, I moved to Rough Trade’s U.S. distribution company in Berkeley. The record store was in San Francisco. We distributed a lot of British records sent by Rough Trade UK, often in small quantities. Rough Trade US was set up to press and distribute select RT and Factory records by Joy Division, ACR, The Fall, Stiff Little Fingers, Crass. It was cheaper and more effective to press in the U.S and Canada. I also distributed some U.S. labels but there was one Brit on the staff that hated most American music. On top of that, it could be a dangerous place to work. One of the staff was importing reggae records and weed from Jamaica to our warehouse. The local connection was shot on his porch shortly after he picked up a shipment! I was lucky to spend a few days travelling with Mark E.Smith of The Fall. He loved obscure rockabilly and garage band records. I was able to return to Memphis for a while to prep the first Panther Burns album for release. Tony Wilson of Factory put up most of the money to keep RTUS going. He was a brilliant character, but I learned from talking with him how not to conduct business. I often got sample records from bands that wanted distribution. Pell Mell’s “Rhyming Guitars” e.p. was the start of my long association with the band. I enjoyed selling records to stores all over the country. I learned about local scenes, records, fanzines, clubs and college radio stations everywhere. Making these sources connect for touring bands and record sales was exciting. Because Rough Trade is British, we had the benefit of connections with club dj’s. We pressed and promoted New Order’s “Blue Monday” single on a shoestring budget. For a long time, it was the best kept secret from the mainstream. I left Rough Trade for Subterranean Records ( Flipper etc) for a spell while working in a record store. The guy that put up the money for the record store ran guns to Cuba through Mexico. Thankfully, not through the actual store. I booked Cali shows for Panther Burns, The Wipers, Sonic Youth, Whitehouse.

Who owned the CD Presents label? I remember that Avengers compilation.

It was owned by a lawyer, David Ferguson. He had a recording studio as well. I didn’t understand why he wanted to run a label. He did not have an ear for music. But we did release a Tales Of Terror lp! He almost released a DOA album that I thought the band would kill him over. Many years later I got into a fist fight with one of David’s employees in a limo ride shared with Ferguson and Lydia Lunch. We fought through the window separating the driver from the passengers. I would love to recreate that for a film. Good times!

My main role there was to set up the first Billy Bragg record in the U.S. Billy’s manager was the legendary Peter Jenner and both were great to work with. They were using CD Presents as a stepping stone to a major label. In the meantime, I knew a few people at SST. Joe Carducci is an old friend. He was pitching me to move to L.A. and work there, but I resisted for a while. I had just met the woman that I knew would be the love of my life. I didn’t want to move to SoCal. Joe gave me an ultimatum. He sent three advance cassettes that convinced me to go- Meat Puppets’ “Up On The Sun”, Minutemen’s “Double Nickels” and Huskers’ “New Day Rising” That’s an excellent recruiting strategy. I later married the love of my life.

On the side I booked shows for bands I loved. Gerard Cosloy asked me to book Sonic Youth first northern Cali shows. I also booked shows for The Wipers and noise band Whitehouse

Was SST Records next? How long did you last there and what was that like?

I was there for three years. “How long did you last there?” sounds like I was biding my time :) I’m often asked about my time with SST.

Carducci hired me to do PR. That meant publicity, college radio, regional press. Video was a valuable promo tool. MTV’s “120 Minutes” program was a great way to promote our records.

In 1987 we put out more records than Warner Brothers. By that time, I hired people to help.

I’ve done a number of interviews about SST. If you have specific questions, shoot. I recall that my social life was almost entirely with my co-workers and bands on the label. I was nearly oblivious to music from other labels. I was a big fan of Dischord and Homestead. Metallica, COC, Voivod and the Birthday Party/Nick Cave were my non-SST staples.

I think around this time I had met you briefly in NJ at one of the Elks Lodge shows that my old friend Ralph Jones put on. Were you living in NJ at that point or just visiting?

You’ve mentioned that before and I don’t recall the specific show. I moved out of NJ permanently in ’76. I came back for annual summer visits to NYC, north Jersey and Philly. Some high school friends went to Upsala College, then the home of WFMU. On my first visit back in ’76 I met Irwin Chusid and R. Stevie Moore. Some high school friends were connected to Feelies before they took that name.

Was Blast First! next? I met Pat Naylor once and hung out with her at a show and she was really sweet.

Yeah around the time I left SST, the folks in Sonic Youth called saying that they had left as well. They wanted me to be involved with Blast First! in the U.S. I knew Paul Smith because he released their albums in the UK. Blast First UK released a number of Touch N Go and SST records. The label was a division of Mute which had a U.S. deal with Enigma. My job was almost entirely “Daydream Nation” promotion. It was so much fun to be able to go deep with one album. We issued Ciccone Youth shortly afterward, which augmented the overall Sonic Youth story. The only other active touring band was Band Of Susans and on a limited level, Lunachicks and Big Stick. It was only one year of work before Enigma cut Mute/Blast First loose. I went on Sonic Youth’s Soviet Union tour and I had a few memorable meetings with Sun Ra. David Bowie called a few times asking about recording studios that Dino Jr and Sonic Youth used. Bowie had a brilliant idea to record Suicide’s “Dream Baby Dream” with Glenn Branca’s large guitar group. We tried following up on it but Bowie was immersed in Tin Machine and other projects.

Was it on to Geffen then?

Yes, Sonic Youth had good meetings with the label. I had recently met Mark Kates who was championing the signing. He suggested that I come in to meet the entire company. He brought my name up with David who said, “we need someone like that here”.

I had fleeting thoughts that working for a major was “selling out”...punching corporate clock. I wanted to apply what I knew on a larger scale.

What was that like, working for a proper major label? Was David Geffen still involved?

On my second day there, David called me into his office. He is down to earth, street smart. Like many of the best in the biz, he didn’t have an attitude. He had met with the Meat Puppets. He sensed that Dinosaur Jr. was important. I reminded him that I was not hired for a&r.

He said- “I don’t assign job titles. If you find something else you’d like to do here, you can pursue it ‘after 5pm’ ”. I found reissue projects like the Pere Ubu box and Raincoats catalog. I recorded a new Raincoats album. I signed Southern Culture On The Skids, Garrison Starr, Skiploader. I assembled and recorded Rob Zombie’s Halloween Hootenanny comp. With Sonic Youth, I pondered making records with John Fahey and Townes Van Zandt. After ten years, it was time to move on.

Tell us what you do now, didn’t you get involved with digital music at some point?

Geffen Records was folded into Interscope in 1999 and I was bored with the limitations of the business as it was. Digital music was gaining ground solely through illegal file trading on Napster. I knew there would be a major shift in the business moving to digital. I worked for the download site. eMusic.com, signing distribution agreements with labels. This was years before iTunes and YouTube. Major labels would not work with us because mp3 files are open source files that could be traded freely without control. They saw eMusic as a facilitator of illegal file trading. Like marijuana use leading to hard drugs! In the big picture, I knew that digital downloads weren’t “sexy”. But at some point, digital music would develop into something easier to track and use. We skipped the major labels. The bigger independent labels understood that digital music would be the future. It was a great place to be. I knew a lot of music, but I had no idea there were so many labels in every country. One label owner told me that I had the best job in the world. I knew that to explain this new unproven music format it could be an uphill climb. So I took the time to research label websites for song samples. That way I could find common ground with label owners. There’s surf music in Brazil? There’s a young female cellist duo in Prague that make energetic music? There’s archaic royalty rules connected to opera arrangements? Bring it on! It certainly changed how I listen to music.

It was a time when business rules and legal rights had to change in order to deal with digital income disbursement. For example, digital downloads could be sold by the song while royalty payments were based on album sales. eMusic was at the forefront of those changes. When iTunes launched, digital music was “legitimized”. Borne out of eMusic was RoyaltyShare which provides a royalty accounting platform for labels. It is now a division of The Orchard and I divide my time between The Orchard and RoyaltyShare.

Who are some current bands you are into?

A loaded question! I listen to a lot of new music. I spend a lot of time listening to records and cd’s in my collection. Of current artists, I really like Steve Gunn’s music. I listen to the projects involving members of Sonic Youth. Bill Nace, Kim’s partner in Body/Head is a guitar genius. Body/Head’s music is a cathartic experience for me. London is lucky to have Thurston Moore living and working there. I think the music they make separately is far more exciting that what Sonic Youth would’ve made if still together.

Lately I’m digging Melenas from Spain, Hayvenlar Alemi from Turkey. Quin Kirchner is a Chicago based drummer that put out a great jazz record in 2018 called “The Other Side Of Time”. I think he plays on Ryley Walker ‘s records.

Because I’ve spent so much time with the music of Sonic Youth, Branca and Rhys Chatham, I crave the occasional dive into instrumental symphonic guitar army and tonal stuff. Current favorites in that vein are Bosse De Nage, Pelican, Sunn O)))

Given the chance I’ll see any performance by Mary Halvorson, Ches Smith, Marc Ribot or Mary Lattimore.

It took me years to get it, but I’m now a big fan of Keiji Haino’ music. Dean McPhee is a British guitarist I really like. I just bought a couple of Willie Lane lp’s on Feeding Tube.

I research music history and the development of the industry. There are historical and social components of every type of music by culture, country, time period. I love stories about riots at premieres of new avant garde works. I read a book about famous classical composers in the 18th Century playing home concerts (salons) where people are talking the entire time…but they are paid handsomely for the performance. Streaming music sites and YouTube are vast repositories of music and cultural documentation.

Do you still make it out to many shows?

I go to two/three shows a month when I’m home and more when traveling especially NY/London. I start work early in the morning so I’m not out late often. I understand why people see less live music as they get older. I’m done with music festivals. The Big Ears Festival is the only Stateside event that might inspire me to stand for eight hours.

I always hear music by new artists that I really like. I don’t always go to see the live show. Sometimes I hear a new band that sounds like a band I liked 20 years ago. I wouldn’t deliberately see a band that uses another band’s sound as a template.

What are your top 10 desert island discs?

I cannot do 10. It’s 20 or nothing. If you say sorry Ray, it will be nothing. FineJ If I’m on an island, I’ll listen to the ocean waves and sounds of nature. If I’m relegated to a desert, I’ll listen to the blood coarsing through my veins.

Miles Davis- Kind Of Blue

Television- Marquee Moon

Peter Brotzmann- Machine Gun

Sex Pistols -Never Mind The Bollocks

Rolling Stones- Let It Bleed

Soundtrack – The Harder They Come

Billy Harper – Black Saint

Kleenex/Liliput- First Songs

Patti Smith Group -Easter

Hound Dog Taylor & The Houserockers- Houserockin’

Led Zeppelin- Houses Of The Holy

Sonic Youth – Daydream Nation

Elvis Presley- Sun Sessions

The Cramps- Songs The Lord Taught Us

Pell Mell -Flow

Procol Harum- A Salty Dog

Sibelius- Complete Symphonies

Lou Reed -Coney Island Baby

Meat Puppets- Up On The Sun

The Kinks- Kinks Kronikles

“Hmm....Flow or Star City?”

Any final words? Closing comments? Anything you wanted to mention that I didn’t ask.

I’ve been involved off and on with the artist Raymond Pettibon for a music project called Supersession. He has made records under this moniker before. This project began in 1990 and stalled for many years. We revived it a couple years ago. I play bass. Raymond wrote many pages of words and lyrics that he passed to the band, encouraging us to write music behind them. It’s different from Raymond’s other records because it is not improvised. Rick Sepulveda, our guitarist is a great songwriter and he wrote music for Raymond’s words. Rick sings a bunch of the songs because Raymond loves his voice. We did a NYC performance in November that was really fun. So now of course, I’m thinking we should play monthly in L.A. We are nearly finished with the album that we recorded at Casa Hanzo, the San Pedro studio Mike Watt owns with Pete Mazich. Raymond is a brilliant man; fun and inspiring to work with. When I practice with Rick, he’ll often break into a cover song deep in the recess of memory. Like John Cale’s “Hanky Panky Nohow” ,Kevin Ayers’ “Oh Wot A Dream” or the Doors “Wishful Sinful”. We may cover a Harry Toledo song. It’s a blast. I hope to have the album finished in July.

Tav, Bobby, Pell Mell and Ray

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