#today just isn't the best day for me
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I've been feeling pretty sad today. So I drew a few comfort Souls (well, and one angsty one), and that seemed to help a little for now.
#i guess i can blame depression for my mood. yay /sarcastic#also i don't like it when people yell. even if it's not towards me#today just isn't the best day for me#but enough ranting here are the tags#navifitz art#chonny jash#chonnys charming chaos compendium#cccc#cccc soul#cj soul#chonny jash soul#chonny soul#fanart#character art#doodles#tradtional art#pencil art#chonny jash fanart#chonny jash fandom#cj fanart#cj soul fanart#cccc fanart#cj hms#cccc hms#chonny jash hms#sometimes there's just too much negativity in places that are supposed to be places of comfort#feel free to say hi
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lying in the dirt thinking about how they made jason the impulsive brash bat when thats cass.
"the bat that punch first and asks questions later" thats cass thats casssssss
Cass' way of dealing with steph for a long while was just to knock her out and run off girl just does what she wants and I love her for it
#ask#anon#also someone on that post mentioned how long jasons shopping list is#bc he probably does so much pre planning into best cheapest products#and yeah you cant convince me jason isn't one of those pro coupon people#he probably started with Catherine and now he just loves doing it#also off topic#but absolutely fucking horrible day at work today#i knew September was gonna be a shit show but Jesus fucking christ did not realise itd be so soon#this month is gonna kick my ass someone send help plz
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#tropius#HE SO APPY!!! FUCK!!! HOLY SHIT I LOVE THIS ONE#i've never looked at tropius up close before i didn't even know they had a little helmet and shit. this is WONDERFUL. they're SO appy#i hope you all appreciate this as much as i do because this is very good. i don't even know anything about tropius. jack SHIT. except that#they're so appy. and i will accept this. i gotta work but i've been too busy thinking abt how appy they are#i also started the process of remaking my main blog. bc it just had a lot of posts on it all the way back to way back in my past#and i felt like it was weighing the whole blog down and making me not want to use it. and that blog needed some housekeeping for me to want#to associate myself with it. so i'm currently in the process of coming up with a new URL before i start really renovating#so the hunt for miss ffp starts anew or something. unless i've lazily replied to you in a comment once and you remember my url#i've done that to a few of you. demifiendcruithne is one. shoutouts to you demifiendcruithne you're the best#then there was that one who assumed i use windows. despite recognizing that i'm “rather techy.” yuck!#had to respond to that one to clear up any suspicion that i might be a windows user. this is all totally unrelated and also will be#totally irrelevant by the time this post gets up anyway. hopefully. y'know if i haven't come up with a new url by then then#i mean. that's my fault. but this isn't gonna post until july 23rd. 10 days from today. so. hopefully!#see you all then
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if i do "?" in text i'm genuinely tilting my head like a dog if i do "!!" my eyes are sparkling and i am figuratively wagging my tail if i am IN ALL CAPS i'm screaming from the top of a mountain with all the power i can with love and the strength of RAGHHH within me
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#sorry guys. i will not shut up.#honestly i really miss it here on tumblr SNIFFS ..... i say this sm tho but damn real/offline life has really been fun <33#anyway. meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow me#very good day ty to those who greeted me anywhere or even just liked a post as a little hi hbd or just acknowledgement ya know arghhh arghhh#I'M SO TIRED NOW ACTUALLY i'm on 5 battery but watch me keep talking (writing) some more#i'm insane btw i went out w friends earlier this tuesday (love them sm) and then. they pitched in to buy me the origin of species bcs i've#been wanting the book LMFAO AS A BDAY GIFT IDK IT'S SO FUNNY TO ME BUT GENUINELY I'M SO HAPPY (NERD) <333#and today i've talked a lot again w one best friend and another of my dearest friends and another too and idk fun day fr#okay i shut up now#that's a lie btw who knows when i will shut up#i might shut up now actually actually#actually i like rambling it's so fun teehee#BUT YEAH TY AGAIN ... genuinely makes me so happy i feel so giddy i was scared today would turn out bad and hey it isn't perfect but to me#it kinda is. in its own way. imperfectly perfect ^_^ <3 yeehaw!!
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whenever i tell my mom that they made fun of me at class for liking taylor or anything of the sorts she says "i kinda understand them because they see you as an obsessive fan and childish" ... excuse me?
the whole concept of "fangirls are obsessive, weird and annoying" comes, in my opinion, from a clear place of misogyny and i think that as of today a lot of people have finally realized it... is the same thing said about men who engage in fights and scream like animals when their favorite football/soccer team scores? no! for them that's "for the love of the game"
no one is childish for simply being excited about something they enjoy (and taylor has said this herself), everything that makes you happy is worth it and no one should make you feel bad about it. i like taylor's music and it brings me comfort, makes me feel seen or brings me up when i'm down (and i could keep going but that's not the point), that's why i get excited when she does ssomething or my friends bring her up in a conversation, that's literally all
#taylor swift#rambles#i'm just tired of this sry#this is because today is world book day so my best friend and i gifted each other a book#and she bought me one about taylor's musical evolution through her eras so obviously i got super excited#i went running over to the girl who is coming to the concert with me to show her and then came back to hug my best friend#and everyone around (even the teacher who was opening the door) was looking at me weirdly or laughing jsakjsd like sorry for being happy ig#the teacher told my friend '...it's something related to taylor swift isn't it...? 😐' hell yeah it is. if you don't like it look away
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sketch vs middle
#final piece tbd i busted this all out today and gotta sleep on it#it looks like a vampire here and i kinda knew that going in bc of what i wanted from the color scheme#but i'm trying my best to steer it away from that. maybe i'll draw some coyotes over it idk i'll figure it out#bitches will be like 'i've been in an artistic rut the past few days :(' then hyperfocus on doing this for two hours#i'm bitches#no but i think what's going on is i'm not liking how my *drawings* are turning out as much rn and i gotta revise my digital process somewha#idk if i need to change to a thicker brush or do studies or what#paintings like these are p fine atm. which is i think why i could bust this out in two hours#BUT i know the answer isn't to avoid drawings and just do paintings so maybe tomorrow after i finish some other shit i'll hurl myself at#whatever is bugging me#wip
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Man, socializing today has been so fucking hard. My communication skills went out of the window with everyone I talk to, I feel like a puppy with it's tail tucked.
#It's been a great day!!! I'm still happy nd good!!! I just. my social skills have been considerably regressed today#I know why but :( it sucks. I just want to talk to my friends man#I don't know if anyone can tell but it's so obvious to me and it makes me feel bad#I just want to say Im sorry after every little thing I say- It's like Im walking on ice that isn't there- never WAS there#I wish I could tell my friends this kind of stuff but I would feel like a burden#Are friends even supposed to talk to each other about that kind of stuff?#Like that my skills r regressed so im just not going to be the best at talking?? Idk idk#I love my friends... I just suck at socializing today I guess#it's also not just my friends but like... idk#It'll be better tomorrow#vent post#vent#vent posting#the bug speaks
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venting so much i ran out of tags lmao
#i think im hallucinating ?????#i have my headphones on (listening to boyfeel on repeat n choppin up some paper)#and keep feeling / seeing shadows in my peripheral vision#im probably just dehydrated and having bad floaters but i dont like it :)#today has also been bad dramatically awful#life isn't serious there's no reason to feel this heavy#oop very emo thoughts incoming#life can't be meaningful or ill miss my parents too much but can't be meaningless or im living without them for nothing#im just. struggling very hard this year. idk#i had so much health bullshit going on for months that i put off going to a psych n now im so busy that it feels bad taking time off for it#and im also scared of getting on meds bc the idea of being dependent on something that i might not have access to is.. auuughhh#idk dude my adhd has been debilitating lately and i feel so stuck and sometimes i think i have ocd bc my compulsions are so fucking bad and#all my mental bullshit with my breathing has slowly been driving me wild and peaks my anxiety#and sometimes i worry abt being bipolar bc my mom's mom is and my mom's best friend told me she thought my mom might have been#bc the way my moods are so low or so high is exhausting it feels like i haven't had a “normal” day in so long#but also atp when im happy i feel manic bc idk how to healthily experience happiness anymore#idfk y'all !!!! im also very nonverbal these days#ugh and still going back n forth on telling my therapist ive been suicidal again bc i dont want him to have to report me or anything idk#a few months ago i made a joke about offing myself and he got rly serious n said he'd have to take action if im serious so im leaning no#like. i wouldnt actually kill myself. i just don't want to exist sometimes in this life#its just been very very very very very very very very very very very very very very hard lately without my parents or grandma#and even after all these years it's still heartwrenching to think about continuing to live this life without them#like. i just want to make them laugh. i just want to feel their arms around me in a warm hug. i just want to dance to their favorite songs.#i don't want to think of them and see their dead bodies anymore. i want to remember them healthy and smiling.#i would take care of them again in every lifetime but fuck dude. i just want to remember their good days instead of the end. can i please#please fucking invision them at their best. i want to remember the dad that played baseball and video games and whose laugh filled the room#i want to remember my grandma who was so sassy but kind. whose button nose crinkled when she smiled. who taught me to happily be dramatic#i don't want to remember them being frail. i want to forget the frustration i saw in their eyes. i want to forget seeing them struggle#(insert sadness about not remembering my mom at all)#just. fuck dude. my life is simple and i am safe so i shouldn't complain. but things feel so fucking hard sometimes. i feel so heartbroken
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Song of the Day: December 5
"Funeral Bell" by Phildel
#song of the day#not gonna lie there's a good chance this song popped in my head earlier just because of the line 'oh brother I long for sleep'#anyway I made a curry today that was so fucking good. it was so good.#I spent a good chunk of the day in the kitchen with my work laptop open (gonna get access to a frankly alarming amount of third-party data!#is it terrifying every time I catch a broadened glimpse of the reality of our surveillance state? oh yeah. ohhhh yeah. big time.#but am I going to let the pervasive anxiety keep me from accessing the data needed to provide context for my 5yr projections?#not a chance! if anybody's gonna benefit from our nation's hideous blatant data-grubbing it'll be me#and every coworker downstream who benefits from my automations)#and our whole house smelled like coconut and ginger and peppers all day it was /lovely/#anyway I can't do justice to Phildel's incredible crystalline voice on my best day but I like to croon along a million octaves below#and it is a gorgeous song#uhhh I didn't sleep at all! possibly recognizable in the hopskip multiple-'anyway's formatting of this tag ramble. I am Sleepless#but I have curry and also the personal info of over eighty thousand students at universities across the US and isn't that what's important#edit! hahahahahaha everybody laugh at me laugh at my foolishness. it's eight hundred thousand students. I've got the shakes.
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ohhhhhhhhhh my goddddddddd and now the fucking t*ble t*nnis guy is passive aggressively up my ass : \
#work stuff#silver jelly#'i've noticed editing has slowed down...' first of all ;;; i was editing the 3.5k words of incomprehensible nonsense because you all#won't hire real writers for almost TWO HOURS on friday. i skipped Yesterday. you sent that message at 10 AM when i HAD one of those#fucking awful awful articles on my roster for today. so that's what;;;; 1 work day unaccounted for? fuck off#secondly; you assholes REFUSE to tell me how much you're expecting from me; you just fucking yell at us when we're not going#'fast enough' when you WON'T EVEN TELL ME WHAT THAT MEANS#this is an internal fucking site and we have REAL clients with REAL ACTUAL deadlines ;;; this is not !!!!!!!!!!!!!! a priority to me!!!!!!!#thirdly; ;;;; i took this project AS A FAVOR to someone who's on maternity leave. i did not even want it. she fucking told me 'ohhh you're#the only one i trust' when there's ... literally ;;; another editor on this who is her best friend from childhood or whatever .#like manipulating me; basically; into taking this project (and she didn't even need to; i wanted the hours anyway)#STILL; ;;; it's not something i picked; it's not something i even particularly wanted to do !!!!!#and it's endless shit;; every god damn week it's some version of 'is everything okay? you're slowing down?' like yeah bro i got other work!#jesus fucking CHRIST i just cannot !!!!!#i sent a message in the chat i straight up said 'i try to do one of these a day but i don't feel like it's enough so please tell me what#your expectations are' and if he dodges i'm saying 'an approximate number would be really helpful' like fuck dude i don't CARE if#you tell me you need 10 of these by the end of the week -- i can maybe even make that happen but this isn't fucking working !!!!#@god please get me out of here holy shit .
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well, I took my new antidepressant for the first time before I went to bed, and I've been asleep all day now. like, I woke up several times - the longest was about an hour - but still, I spent at least 14 hours asleep. don't like that, hopefully that's not gonna be a thing again with this.
also had particularly gruesome nightmares (unfortunately including Leverage/The Librarians characters, not happy about that)
#the nightmares were... really very unpleasant#including one very long very detailed one about Jenkins. it was not nice. it was very scary. and very uncomfortable.#it's the kinda thing my brain wouldn't let me talk about so I couldn't say anything more about it even if I wanted to. but it was bad.#annnd I just woke up because I've got a massive nosebleed. very unpleasant way to wake up.#so overall. not the best day! 🙄🙄#my psychiatrist said this antidepressant is less strong than the one I got for sleeping before. so it shouldn't make me sleep as much#so I'm hoping it's just because my body isn't used to it. and I mean. I haven't slept more than 4 hours at a time for a while. so maybe it's#just trying to catch up lol#also re the nightmares: there were several parts about being stuck in very tight spaces. and we watched the leverage episode where Hardison#is buried alive today. so at least I know where that part came from#personal
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...
#yelled at my mom today because I got so tired of the way she's been treating me#and it was the absolute worst#and I cried like a baby#I don't mean to say she's the most terrible mom in the world or anything like that (she's not the best but she certainly isn't the worst)#but it's just not fair that I have to help her with everything while my brother doesn't have to do anything#and when I come back from almost a week long trip she doesn't even ask me how it was or even welcome me home#she's just wondering who's gonna do her shopping for her#I don't tell people how I feel...#I bottle it up and let it fester until I explode#and today I exploded#but in the end she just told me to calm down and gave me a hug and I cried and cried and cried#and I haven't been able to stop all day#I don't want to be on the outs with my mom#I love her and I want to be there for her and help her now that she's getting older and her health is deteriorating#but I just can't be at her beck and call 24/7#and I don't want to be upset or angry with her when I don't know how long she's got left#I'm not gonna make the same mistake I made with my dad#sorry for the rant#already feeling better and have almost stopped crying#just have to stop listening to sad songs 🤣
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Urrrrrrrrrrg.
#love my brother to bits. really. but i'm really fucking hurt he wants to 'punish' me for HIS poor planning.#we're supposed to take a train later today. and his suitcase isn't done yet. we had plans with friends today before the train and now he#wants ME to stay home and bring him his stuff later while i just. dont see people i guess. because how dare I want to spend time with#people i like uh.#like idk maybe he should've packed earlier instead of trying to put his poor planning on me. i shouldnt be the one that has to deal with the#consequences of his own actions. especially a day where i'm already not in the best shape.#i'm just so fucking tired because i know he's gonna hold it against me in the future#maybe my emotions are more extremes because i just got my period but idk. i'm tired. and angry.
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Trying to trouble-shoot a customer over a phone is always an exercise in "stick to Norwegian you gremlin" for me. I so badly want to use English lingo for things, but my poor customers barely understand what I'm saying in Norwegian, let alone English! The amount of times I end up apologising because my explanations are shit are numerous, and most of the time my customers are really nice about it.
Although, I do loathe having to trouble-shoot networking over the phone. It's a pain in the ass, and it's difficult to find the problem when there are so many moving parts to a network.
At least the customer and I can joke around a little and make the process more pleasant for the both of us. Especially when the problem may have been a wonky cable, and not something much more expensive that must be replaced.
#text_loke#he was really nice to me. we were talking SO LONG and i had to use hand signals to my coworker so he could take the physical customers#because i was on the phone. and for some reasons customers see me standing there with a headset on and assume i am therefore free#no!! i am on the phone!! i cannot talk to you ma'am please stop attempting to converse with me!!#some are nice about it. others get bitchy. like SORRY i have one ear on the phone i CANNOT listen to two people at once!!#anyway. hope it was the cable that was fucked! we would of course fix whatever issue it was if it ISN'T#but it's soooo much easier for him for it to be just the cable he made himself. 'cos fuck homemade cat6 cables#(which i say as someone who has made SEVERAL and hates the process furiously)#also. shoutout to the customer who gave me 10/10 and said we were COOL PEOPLE in all caps :)#made my day that. like thank you!! i do my best to give the best customer service!!#and i only had ONE person call me today to be a glorified website :) usually it's at least three people :)#like we have a click and collect for a reason. i am NOT that. i can trouble shoot and help fix. i am not a website#also. why am i cursed. why am i cursed to be swarmed by people when i'm alone??#at least at my current workplace i am not harassed for being on my own. people are actually nice#they don't go ballistic on me when it takes me a but to get to them due to the tasks i am made to do#i don't get yelled at every shift. which is lovely :)#anyway. time for sleeps because i must write 3k tomorrow for my exam. rip
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Something something the passage of time or whatever, but I've been following a particular artist for AGES and out of the blue I saw a post from them that just said "My daughter loved what I made for dinner tonight :)" and I was genuinely like "Your WHAT???????" when I read it.
Like, logically yes I know people Age, but my gut reaction is still "I followed you like 7 years ago when you were a baby, what do you mean you're not still a college student."
#i talk#it's WILD#This isn't just an online problem my concept of time in general is just Very Bad#I know part of it is the whole ADHD thing but I think this has just always been an issue for me in general#I always saw my cousin as [redacted] age#and now I'm older than that and I'm just like huh. Not A Fan Of That#idk man it's been a weird brain day for me today#<- implying it hasn't been a weird brain day for the last few years#today was just really frustrating#also obligatory ''sorry if you're my friend and I keep ghosting you'' message#I'll talk to a friend and be like ''ah that was fun :)''#and then 5 months will pass and I'll be like ''no I just talked to you yesterday what do you mean?''#o(-(#It's an eternal ''I've thought of them so surely that means I've talked to them''#like no. no my friend. that is not how things work. you cannot psychically send vibes to people to let them know you're thinking about them#my best friend (bless her) has always been so nonchalant about it#it's no biggie if we haven't talked in a week or something we're just chilling. We're close enough that we don't need to text 24/7#also we're both busy being Constantly Crushed Under The Weight Of Reality's Many Horrors#idk I lost the plot of this post but in summary: I love my friends and I especially love my best friend#I'm very lucky to have her
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Ok so there is this pitbull named Happy, I know that now because I've had to go get his chip checked four times already, I've never seen him around the neighborhood on my walks or in anybody's yard or anything. Yet once a week for the past month this child just...shows up at my house. So like usually I just hang out w him fr like three hours until best friends opens and I go get coffee w the dog and maybe go for a walk and then I have to drop him off at dog jail until the owner can come get him. Next time it happens...happy is actually my dog
#im so fucking in love w him#hes just a smal lil piitty boy who hows like the fucking chewbaca dude literally the funniest thing in the world#hes so in love w al and my cats and ofmy chow pit mix wasn't such a demon i already would have stolen him lol#HOW AND WHY DOES HE KEEP GETTING OUT SO MUCH? WHERE DOES HE LIVE?? WHY DOES HE ALWAYS CME BACK TO MY HOUSE???#its because he loves me and we're meant to be and he would never get out on my watch and he loves my backyard and hes perfect#if that dog gets hit because his fucking dimwit of an owner cant keep track of him i will hunt him down and kill that man#i even got his contact info from the vet because he shows up at my house so much and today the owner isn't even in town!!!!;#apparently the fucking sitter let him out and jus went to work??? so how does the owner and the sitter keep losing this damn dog and then#just leaving him loose all day???? yeah just drop him off the sitter will get him after work >:(((!#die#so we got coffee and went on a walk and hung out at the barbershop and i just had to take him to best friends FOR THE FOURTH TIME !!!!!!#next time i see u happy u r mine forever omg hes to precious
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