#today and the past 3-4 days have been very exhausting but i did this little project to relax myself and it turned out very well

[pothosrays]

crow 794

[hotsugarbyglassanimals]

it's probably the sunnier weather that's doing stuff to my brain to make me more optimistic but it's so interesting having a brain that craves a lot of self-fulfillment to the point where I can move past some hang-ups around perfection by going "oh I really wanna do that though" and then I do it well because researching how to do it right is also a rewarding part of the process

[stop-talking]

So I'm stuck on this shithole island, and I can't even have a smoke? (pt. 5)

Derek Danforth x fem reader

Word count: 4k

Tags: 18+, Derek x fem reader, no use of y/n, angst, lots of fluff, enemies, enemies to lovers, fluff, (very) slowburn, sass, banter, misogynistic undertones, (Derek is a prick), suggestive themes, mentions of drug use, withdrawals, rehab, masturbating.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 6

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To celebrate a week of sobriety, you decide to surprise Derek with a cake.

Of course, since there isn't exactly a bakery on a remote island, you had to bake it yourself.

Which you did. Last night. Now you stand in the kitchen, wondering how exactly you should decorate the damn thing.

And what to write on it?

"Congrats, maybe now you'll live past 40!" No, that's morbid.

"Bye-bye blunts and blow!" Too cringy.

"Happy one-week?" Hmm... that sounds like an anniversary thing.

Damnit. Maybe this isn't a situation that calls for cake after all. You sigh and continue to mumble random slogans to yourself as you slather the icing on nice and thick.

It looks a little messy, but you're not exactly a professional baker. Which is unfortunate, because that's probably exactly what he's used to. Oh well. It's the thought that counts, right?

You just want to show him how proud you are. He really has changed a lot over the past week, surprising you every day with how... normal he can be. When he wants to, at least.

Picking up a piping bag of green icing, you start placing decorative dollops around the edge of the cake. Some of them are a little lopsided, but it doesn't look too bad overall.

What now? You mindlessly lick some stray icing off your wrist and stare down at the gaping blank space in the middle of the cake.

Eventually, you settle on three words.

"Proud of you."

It's fitting. He has a lot to be proud of. Not just the sobriety stuff, but everything.

He's been picking up new skills every day. You smile as you tidy up the cake decorating mess strewn about the counter, thinking back to your first time cooking with Derek.

He'd been cocky and overconfident, and so utterly dumbfounded when that pancake met a splatter-y death on the stovetop.

And yet, he still got back up and tried again. After relentless pestering from you, obviously, but it still counted.

You stand back and survey your work. Cream colored icing, green lettering, and... okay, maybe the hearts were a bit much. Hopefully he didn't get the wrong idea. You're just... proud. That's all.

Now the only thing missing is Derek. He went upstairs an hour or so ago for a nap, mumbling something about a headache. Poor thing.

He's been so damn clingy lately, always touching you in some way or another. It seemed almost subconscious for him at times. A hand on your shoulder, his knee against yours, an arm around your waist... no matter what you were doing, he had to have physical contact.

You smile as you make your way upstairs to his room. Maybe today would be the day you finally give him a proper hug.

・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

Derek is woken from his fitful sleep to the sound of you calling out his name.

Usually, that would be a welcome sound. You're always such a good distraction from his withdrawals.

But right now? He just wants to sleep. No, more than that. He wants to hibernate, to go into a goddamn coma and never have to wake up again.

"Can I have another twenty minutes?" He croaks, lifting his head from the mess of pillows to call out to you.

Apparently he can't, because he hears the door click open, and you peek your head in through the crack.

Derek just groans and buries his face back into the bed. His sheets and blankets are a tangled mess, and he's twisted himself into an awkward angle throughout his nap.

"Come on, It's been over an hour already." Derek can feel the bed shift as you take a seat on the edge.

"Well I'm still fuckin' exhausted." He mumbles into the pillow, not bothering to turn and look at you.

"Derek. You should know by now I'm not gonna let you rot in bed all day."

The almost sarcastic tone in your voice is what finally breaks him. This week has been hell, and you're just mocking him.

He hasn't only given up drugs this week, but all of his servants and staff as well. It was one thing to help you with cooking, but yesterday you'd made him do laundry. LAUNDRY. What the fuck did he look like? A maid?

"Fuck off." He grumbles a little louder, pushing your hand away as you reach to play with his hair.

His sour attitude apparently doesn't deter you any, because he can hear you laughing at him. Derek grits his teeth and finally sits up, glaring at you.

"You're really fucking annoying, you know that? Always pissing me off."

The words leave his mouth before he can really think them through, and when he sees your smile fall he immediately regrets them.

Unfortunately, he's too tired, sick, and stubborn to take it all back. Even while his heart drops into his stomach, he continues to glare daggers at you.

"Alright... twenty more minutes." With that, you slide off his bed and quickly make your way to the door.

Fuck. As soon as the door closes, Derek is left in darkness, in more ways than one.

His stomach twists into knots and he can feel his chest grow heavy. He tries to scramble after you, but gets caught in the tangle of blankets and ends up falling to the floor instead.

God damn it. Why does he always have to be such a fuck up? You aren't annoying. You're the only thing keeping him sane right now, and he goes and pushes you away.

He collapses on the floor, sighing at the feeling of the cold hardwood against his cheek. A few tears roll down his face, and he laughs bitterly as a thought crosses his mind.

Your thighs make a much better pillow than the floor.

・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

Twenty minutes later, you knock at Derek's door once more. He mumbles something incomprehensible, and you take that as permission to enter.

The sight in front of you makes you pause. What the hell is he doing? You flip the lights on just to make sure your eyes aren't playing tricks on you.

They aren't.

Derek Danforth lies on the floor next to his bed, groaning and blinking up at the harsh overhead light.

"Looks real comfortable down there." You tease, setting the glass of water you brought him on his bedside table before joining him on the floor.

He refuses to look at you, throwing his arm over his eyes and groaning.

"You need to eat. And drink. I brought you some water."

Derek stays quiet as you sit next to him and place a hand on his shoulder. His lips are pressed into a tight line, and he's still hiding behind his arm.

"Why are you so goddamn nice?" He finally groans.

"We've already had that talk."

"Okay, then why are you so goddamn nice even when I'm being a prick?"

You move his arm away from his face, and he doesn't fight it. When you finally get a look at him, it's obvious he's been crying.

Derek Danforth. Crying on his bedroom floor. That's a sight.

A sight that really breaks your heart, actually. His watery eyes threaten to make yours overflow as well, so you quickly wipe away his tears with the hem of your shirt.

"You think I expect you to go through three weeks of rehab and not be a prick sometimes?"

Derek actually chuckles at that, and finally meets your gaze. He looks absolutely wrecked.

"I didn't mean what I said earlier."

"I know."

You scoot a little closer, and gently tug at him. He takes the hint, placing his head on your lap with his cheek against your thigh.

Neither of you talk for a few minutes. He just closes his eyes and sighs as you play with his hair. Over the past week, you've learned what he likes. Tug at his curls in just the right way, and he...

Derek lets out a soft whimper and you smile. There it is.

"Wanna make it up to me?" You tease.

He glances up at you, an eager look in his eyes.

"How?"

"Get rid of this." You laugh and trail a finger along his jawline, feeling at his overgrown stubble. He most likely hasn't shaved since arriving here a week ago.

"What? You don't like it?"

"Do you?"

"..."

Derek pouts, pushing your hand away and feeling at it himself. His brow furrows adorably as he considers your words.

"It looks manly."

"There's a difference between manly and cave-man-ly."

He scoffs at that, but when you start poking and prodding at his face where his stubble has grown out, he cracks a smile.

"Fine, fine. You win. I'll shave."

He swats your intrusive hands away, then sits up and stretches.

Now that he's up and moving, you decide it's time to go. On your way out the door, you hesitate, remembering the reason you came to get him in the first place.

"Oh, don't take too long. I have a surprise waiting for you downstairs."

・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

Derek stares at himself in the bathroom mirror, feeling at his stubble. You're right, he does look better with a trim.

He knows he should head downstairs, but his heart is beating a million times a second, and not even from withdrawals.

That little comment about a surprise? God damnit. You're teasing him. You have to be. How could you say something like that and not expect him to get excited?

Derek sighs and tucks his boner into the waistband of his boxers, then looks at himself in the mirror one more time to make sure it isn't noticeable. It's not... mostly.

Damnit. He could probably take a few minutes and rub one out, but he'd absolutely die of embarrassment if you walked in on him AGAIN.

He groans and turns to leave. Oh well. It's hidden well enough, and you'd already seen worse. Plus... maybe if this surprise is anything like his fantasies, he'd have an opportunity to use it.

"Oh, wait wait wait!" You scramble over to him as he trudges downstairs, keeping him from entering the living room.

"Are you gonna tell me what my surprise is?"

"No! Then it wouldn't be a surprise at all. Close your eyes."

Derek does as instructed, shutting his eyes tight. When feels you grab his hand and start to tug him along, he can't help but sneak a peek.

"I swear... if your Idea of a surprise is to walk me into a wall-"

"Oh, shut it." You scoff and clap your free hand over his eyes.

"Just trust me. And no peeking."

Derek grumbles, but he does trust you. A lot more than he lets on. So, he blindly stumbles along as you lead him into the... kitchen? Yeah, he's pretty sure he's in the kitchen.

"Okay, you can look." You uncover his eyes, but keep a tight hold on his hand as you beam at him.

"What do you think?"

What does he think?

What does he think?

Derek chokes up at the sight before him, and has to turn his head so you don't see the way his eyes are watering again.

A cake. You baked him a fucking cake to say you're proud of him. And he called you annoying.

"It's to celebrate being a week sober." You explain, leaning over to try and catch a glimpse of his face.

He squeezes your hand tightly, but can't get any words out.

"A week." He whispers, blinking back tears. Fuck, has it been a week already? It feels like hardly a day has passed.

"Oh, love. C'mere."

Derek lets himself be pulled into your arms. He groans from your touch, melting into the embrace and burying his face in your neck.

God, this is perfect. He's wanted to be held like this for so long, but now that it's finally happening... he can't help but feel guilty.

"I'm such an ass." He mumbles into your neck, lips pressed to your skin.

"Not always." You laugh softly and pull him a little closer.

Too close. He can feel your breasts pressing against him... fuck. Any closer and you might be able to feel what he has tucked away.

"Not always?" Derek scoffs, pulling back just enough to look you in the eyes.

"Is that really the best you've got to make me feel better?"

"What? You want me to lie?"

"Maybe."

He stares into your eyes, heart pounding in his chest as he suddenly realizes just how close you are. It takes everything in him not to lean in and bridge the few inch gap between the two of you.

"You look nice like this."

Derek can feel his face heating up as you cup his face with a hand. Shit, If you don't stop soon he might actually just kiss you.

"Like what?" He asks breathlessly, mesmerized by your touch.

"With a trim." You smile and run your thumb along his his stubble, eyes trailing from his jaw to his lips.

For a second, Derek is sure you're going to kiss him. He tilts his head ever so slightly in anticipation, and his eyes flutter shut.

"So... you want a piece of cake?" You clear your throat, suddenly dropping your arms and breaking the embrace.

Of course you weren't going to kiss him. Derek gives you a half-hearted smile and nods, trying to hide just how crushed he feels.

"Yeah, sure. Cake."

・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

"No, love, you're supposed to do the edge pieces first."

You chuckle as Derek angrily fumbles with two puzzle pieces. They quite obviously don't match, but he's trying to force them together anyways.

"Sorry, I wasn't aware puzzles had rules." He scoffs, dramatically tossing the little cardboard chunks across the table.

You'd dragged him out to the porch for a little fresh air, since he insisted he was too tired to make the five minute walk down to the beach.

"Well, they do. The biggest rule is don't throw the puzzle pieces, or you'll lose them." You laugh and continue flipping pieces over so they're facing upwards.

It hasn't been very long since you started the puzzle, and Derek already looks bored.

"Is this supposed to be fun?" He grumbles, helping you flip over pieces with one hand, the other finding it's way to rest on top of yours.

You wonder if he even notices he's doing it again. Touching you like that. You've gotten used to it by now, and usually just let it happen.

"Oh, come on. You gonna let a puzzle get the best of you, Danforth? A child could do this."

Derek makes a face and gestures to the sea of little cardboard scraps scattered across the table.

"A child could do a one thousand piece puzzle?" He scoffs.

"Okay, maybe not..." You laugh and adjust your hand, intertwining your fingers with his.

"But I'm sure you can do it."

Derek's face flushes pink, and you aren't sure whether its from the praise or the way you're so casually holding his hand. Probably both. But so what if you're holding his hand? He's the one who started it.

He just mumbles something under his breath and looks back down at the table, suddenly very motivated to help you pick through the pieces.

His hand doesn't leave yours.

・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

Derek wakes up from a deep sleep to the sound of your voice and the feeling of your nails gently scratching his scalp.

He gasps and tries to sit up, but finds he's stuck.

Er, not stuck, just... underneath you?

"Come on, love. You slept through nearly the whole movie." You laugh softly and start to nudge him off your lap.

Derek finally remembers what's going on, and pulls his arm out from under you. Apparently he'd tucked it beneath your knees while he slept, because he sure didn't remember doing it.

"Told you a chick flick would put me to sleep." He mumbles, fumbling to sit up. He finds his other arm is also stuck, wedged in between your waist and the couch.

"Sure made yourself comfortable, huh?" You tease, scooting forward and freeing him.

"Shut up." Derek reluctantly pulls away from you, sitting up and looking at you with a dazed expression. He wipes the drool from the corner of his mouth and groans. That really was a good nap.

"It's just so easy to fall asleep on you." The words come out before he can really think over them, and he freezes in embarrassment. Thankfully, you seem to take it in a different way than he meant it.

"Oh, am I that boring? I put you to sleep?"

"Exactly. I'm yawning already." He teases, letting out an exaggerated yawn that only earns him an elbow to the ribs.

"Hmph. Next time you can fall asleep somewhere else."

"But you're so damn comfortable." He whines, scrambling after you as you make your way upstairs. You can't leave him yet. You just can't.

"Well, your bed is plenty comfortable as well. Go to sleep."

Derek is suddenly struck with a thought, and takes your hand before you can slip away into your room for the night.

"What if..." He starts, placing his other hand on your hip and pulling you a little closer.

"What if I don't want to sleep in my bed tonight?"

You give him an incredulous look, and Derek can hardly believe the words that just came out of his mouth. Fuck, you're going to reject him. He just knows it.

"My bed?" You ask, raising an eyebrow and looking down at the way his hand is gripping your hip.

Derek can hear his heart pounding in his ears. He's being WAY too forward, and probably seems like a creep. Damnit.

"I... I just won't be able to sleep without you. I know it." He stutters, stumbling over his words. It's the truth, though. The only time he's been able to sleep peacefully lately is when he's touching you.

"Derek, love..." You chuckle and start to brush his hands away, taking a step back.

Fuck. He needs to show you how serious he is about this.

"Please? Just for tonight?" He grabs both of your hands, intertwining your fingers with his as he meets your gaze. You said he has puppy-eyes or something, right? Derek does his best to look pitiful.

It's not hard to do. He really does feel pitiful in this moment, begging you so blatantly. He might as well get on his fucking knees.

"Fine." You finally relent, groaning and gently shoving Derek aside as you head into your bedroom.

"But I hope you know I kick in my sleep."

"I don't mind taking that risk."

・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

After quickly getting ready for bed, you settle down under the covers while Derek stands awkwardly to the side.

"Well? You gonna join me?" You ask, patting the spot next to you.

God, how did you get roped into this? Him and those damn puppy eyes. He's so hard to say no to.

"Oh, uh, yeah." Derek scrambles to climb into bed beside you. He looks like he's having just as much trouble believing what's happening.

"Sleeping with you wasn't really in my job description, you know. I'm complaining to your mother after this."

"Please don't." He groans, squirming and getting comfortable under the shared blanket. He keeps his distance, seeming content just to be in the same bed as you.

"You gonna sleep in that?" You lift the blanket to peek at his outfit, a simple t-shirt and sweatpants.

"Yeah? What's wrong with it?" He pouts and tugs the blanket back down, acting self-conscious.

"Nothing, just... You aren't going to be hot?"

"Are you trying to get me to take my pants off, sweetheart?"

"God, no. I've seen enough of that."

Your teasing clearly gets to him, because he rolls over to face away from you, grumbling. You swear his ears are a little pink. Is he blushing?

"Oh, love. I'm just messing with you." You scoot a little closer to him, and put a hand on his waist.

"I know." He whispers, breath hitched.

"Is it okay if I do this?"

He groans when you get even closer, spooning him from behind. Your arm wraps around his waist and you press your entire body against his.

"M-maybe I will get hot..." He mumbles, but makes no effort to push you away. Instead, he completely melts under your touch, relaxing against the pillow.

"Keep your pants on, Danforth."

"Yes ma'am."

・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

Derek has been in bed with you for what feels like hours, (though really only around half of one), and he still can't believe what's happening.

Your arm is around his waist, holding him tight while the rest of your body is pressed up against him. He can feel your breasts pressing into his back, and your lips on his neck.

He almost wishes you'd kiss him, but that would probably send him over the edge.

And God, is he dangerously close to the edge right now.

His heart is pounding, heartbeat in synch with the throbbing in his pants. He's been hard ever since you cuddled up to him, but no way in hell is he going to ask you to stop. Not ever. Even if it kills him.

Scratch that. It is going to kill him. Derek can't help but let out a whimper as his dick twitches in his sweatpants.

Fuck. Your hand is right there, on his stomach. If you'd just slide it down a little...

"What's wrong?" You mumble, giving him a tight squeeze and nuzzling against the back of his neck.

"O-oh. Just... headache... Don't feel good..."

He feels like a total prick for lying to you, but what is he supposed to say? Yeah, totally fine, just horny as fuck? He'd rather die.

"Aww... I've got you, love."

Derek's breath hitches as you throw your leg over him. He can feel your thigh pressed up against his side, and the way you squeeze him feels heavenly.

He whimpers again, and starts to squirm slightly in your grasp. Fuck, if you keep this up he's not going to be able to control himself.

You continue to gently squeeze, rub, and cuddle him, whispering words of comfort with your lips pressed against the back of his neck. He can feel your hot breath on him, your breasts against his back, your hand on his stomach, your leg wrapped around his...

He can feel everything. And it's driving him insane.

Okay, okay, fuck. He can fix this. He just needs a quick release. That's all.

Derek starts to form a plan in his head, fueled by desperation and lust. Once he's mostly sure you're asleep, he slips his hand down into his boxers.

Biting back a moan, he slowly starts to jerk himself off. Painfully slow. He can't risk waking you up.

It's so fucking hard to not go faster, or move, or make a sound. Fuck, it's just so hard. Period.

He didn't really think this through, huh? Asking to sleep in your bed. Next time he'll jerk off first. If there is a next time. Damnit. If you catch him like this, you'll never speak to him again. He's sure.

Trembling, he accidentally lets a small whine slip out. Even with the absolute minimum amount of stimulation, he's close to finishing.

"Hnngh... Derek? You okay?"

Fuck. You're awake.

"Huh? Yeah, just... nightmare..." He chokes the words out, hand still wrapped around his cock as he slowly milks out a steady trickle of precum.

"It's okay." You whisper, holding him even tighter. "I'm right here."

Yeah, and that's the his damn problem. Your words and touch send him spiraling over the edge, and he bites his lip with nearly enough force to draw blood as he comes in his sweatpants.

It's not the most satisfying orgasm, seeing as he could barely touch it... but it still feels so much better than being that fucking horny with no release.

"Thank you..." Derek groans, praying that you don't ever discover the double meaning behind his words.

He had originally planned to sneak away and clean himself up, but with the way you're clinging to him...

Fuck. Guess he's sleeping in wet sweatpants.

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Author's note: Oh my goddd, sorry for such a long wait on this chapter!!! I've been wanting to write this scene FOREVER, but I also wanted to get it right!!

I love putting Derek in uncomfortable situations. Not sorry.

Also its crazy to me that I've written 16 thousand words of fanfic for a character that had 20 minutes of screen time and then fucking DIED 💀

Anyways... expect the next chapter in 2-3 days. Thanks for all the love and support!!!

Part 6

[anamoon63]

Hi guys, I am writing this in case anyone wonders why I have been kind of MIA lately. No, I haven't forgotten you, but I have had a difficult week, more than a difficult week, I have been through a real ordeal. Where or how it started it's a long story which I don't have the time or the energy to tell, so I'll just share a brief chronology of what happened during this past week.

Friday May 3 - I turned in my finished work and set out to do my sims posts, play and rest for the weekend since more work would be coming my way on Monday.

Saturday May 4 - My husband came down with the flu, I spent most of the day with him in the emergency room.

Sunday May 5 - I spent it taking care of my husband, who fortunately no longer had a fever. I barely slept two hours at night giving care and medication.

Monday 6 May - My birthday, we couldn't go out for dinner as usual, so we celebrated at home.

Tuesday, May 7 - My son comes down with the flu, too, another afternoon in the ER and sleepless night caring for him and bringing down his fever.

Wednesday, May 8 - My son starts to feel better, and begins to recover very quickly. I start working on the following translations, at the same time I take care of both my husband and my sick son, do food, laundry, order home medicines, and all kinds of small chores, including disinfecting things. It's like going back to 2020.

Thursday, May 9 - My husband no longer has a fever but does have a cough that won't go away and minor problems with his asthma.

Friday, May 10 - Mother's Day, my son was feeling fine, my husband still had a cough, and had a doctor's appointment at noon, when he returned, we celebrated at home just like on my birthday, I spent the rest of the day working, and juggling a thousand other things. In the evening my daughter started to feel sick, but still no fever.

Saturday, May 11 (yesterday) - My daughter woke up with a fever, another visit to the ER. She was prescribed flu medicine, painkillers and rest, and sent home.

And that's my odyssey so far. On top of it all, from Wednesday through Saturday we were in the middle of a heat wave with temperatures of 37ºC with real feel of up to 45ºC; at night we get a "cooler" temperature of 29ºC. So imagine a person with a fever of 38 ºC and with this heat, obviously it's not of much help.

Surprisingly, I haven't gotten sick so far, but I'm not claiming victory. I have been taking care of my family for a week, sleeping two or three hours a night, getting up at different times to check on them, or give them medicine. I don't have time for getting sick! Lol. Thankfully, everyone is better and last night for the first time in a week I was able to sleep straight through. Honestly, I don't need many hours of sleep, but I am routinely and usually I am in bed a 11 pm and up at 8 am every day, so all this did upset my sleep cycle a little bit.

Anyway, that is the reason why I wasn't here much, since the whole day I was too busy, and at night I was so tired all I wanted was to go to bed. I apologize if I've fallen behind on your updates, I'm not ignoring you in any way, I just didn't have the strength or the time, not even to play The Sims. If I did, it was just a little free play to distract myself.

Last week I told you that I was juggling a lot of things, well now I have even more things, lol, at times I feel really exhausted, and even a little cranky from lack of sleep, the first few days my feet and legs hurt so much from going back and forth, but I'm fine, healthy, and in good spirits. Today I believe, as never before, that the universe does not send you more than you can handle.

At this point my family is already in recovery, if I don't get sick too, it's likely by I'll be able to get back to my simming routine. Now, if I do get sick, I hope to recover as quickly as the others. Whatever happens, I'll be around. Know that, even if I don't comment, I read you, and I am with you, especially with those who are going through difficult times of any kind.

Ok, I said to myself this was going to be a short post, but I made a wall of text instead (for a change). My apologies if it's written in a sloppy or confusing way, I just wanted to write it quickly to let you know where I have been and what has been going on with me these days. I hope you are all well, please take care of yourselves, health is a treasure that can be lost at any moment, the flu is a nasty disease, we must never let our guard down and forget to take the necessary measures to prevent it.

Last, but not least, I want to thank all of you who have mentioned me, tagged me, sent me asks and/or stars to my inbox, commented and/or liked what few posts I could do these days, I appreciate it very much and I'll try to reply to you as soon as I can, though I've fallen so far behind that I don't know if I'll be able to find your mentions in my notifications. In any case, thank you very, very much to all of you for thinking about me in my absence. 💗 I'll see you soon, hopefully, with more sim adventures, stay tuned!

[ourceliumnetwork]

Alright, debrief time

(pretend i was able to find a fittingly funny gif of someone removing their trousers quickly and/or explosively)

honestly there should be *way* more easily findable gifs of this, but my search-fu technique is not doing me any favors this mor...today.

(it's not morning anymore, bummer. it felt like it'd been morning for hours, figured it might stick around longer. alas)

so. This weekend was busy - i mean yesterday was the necessary "everyone recover your spoons and refill your social batteries because we drained them completely" day, but idk if it was enough tbh lol.

Friday was exactly as expected with no concerns during the outing or subsequent hangout. Like i was tired and very much had absolutely Done An Outing but I was doing pretty good all things considered, both immediately after hangouts were done and also the next morning. I was tired, but like. The expected amount of tired and I felt very optimistic about the day. I didn't even really feel like i needed medicine and considering I've felt like I needed to take medicine in the morning every single day this past week, pretty impressive tbh imb.

And Saturday was already going to be the tricky day - i went into this weekend knowing what i was up against, and with the understanding that I was going to probably accidentally do some damage to myself but it's *on purpose*. It has a *point* and I think that makes it different to the rest of the times i've done this to myself.

So even though I absolutely should have and knew that going in, I did not take any medicine because that was the point.

For as long as any of us can remember, going all the way back into rather early childhood, my legs just always get exhausted really fast. I'd get in trouble for sitting down in P.E., my parents fussed at me about it when I was little, and I was told that I didn't actually feel that tired, and that I just needed to push harder because clearly if I was that tired so quickly then my muscles needed to do more work to become stronger. If I just worked them out, they would be stronger and wouldn't get tired so easily. It was on this metric that i ran in 4 half-marathon races with fairly decent time. Just keep pushing, you're tired because you're not in shape enough, just keep going. It doesn't matter that you run at least 3x a week, for longer and longer distances, it doesn't matter that you're going uphill for at least half of that time, it doesn't matter if you're eating a limited diet because the household is once more trying a lo-carb, or similar, crash diet we'll forget about as soon as we take a "vacation" or even just by the weekend, but god forbid I eat anything more than the Allotted Portion Allowed By The Parents before they start saying shit about how I need to eat less or save some for later, or save some for the rest of the family. If I just lost weight, if I was just *stronger* then I wouldn't complain so much and my legs would feel less tired.

In a move that will only ever continue to shock my parents, it did not work. About 15-30 minutes into any outing on a good day, my legs will start to ache like I've been, well, training for a marathon. Which I can accurately describe because i've fuckin done that.

But I've stopped taking note of it because i was told *so young* to just ignore it. It wasn't real, or it was real but everyone else just dealt with it better, or whatever. And by the way, i also was never allowed to sit and rest when it happened while I was a child - the stroller was something I didn't really have access to as good once my sister was born, and that was at around 3 years old. I may have gotten like A Year with access to it still, while she was still papoose-able, but once we needed it for her I was expected to suddenly be able to carry my own weight wherever we went.

My parents really like theme parks, family trail hikes, and going to festivals where you wander around and there's very little seating. I got used to ignoring it and pushing past really fast, but it meant that I just...really did not like going out very much. Our family trips were always kind of through a filter of "I'm not really enjoying myself as much as I thought I would and I have no idea why I'm so grumpy all of the time". it got passed off as teenage angst and my bad attitude, because i couldn't complain because i didn't know what was wrong.

plus it wasn't like complaining would have done me any good. I would get yelled at for voicing a concern or need, and then when I would have a Health Complication that made my parents look bad, I'd get yelled at for not saying something sooner. So I just stopped sharing and would handle my health issues quietly and to myself. I think my parents just assumed I grew out of or stopped experiencing several relatively frequent health issues I kept having because I stopped telling them about it and did my very best to hide what was happening when I was in pain or sick, until I absolutely couldn't. I knew my bad health would be a burden on them, so if I said something and they looked at me with "concern" (read: what appeared to be actual irritation in their alarm), I'd backtrack which I think led to both my being seen as a hypochondriac and a liar.

So this weekend was to see exactly how long it takes me to reach the point of "My legs are tired" and then when I hit the wall of "I can't do this anymore without a break". My partner took me thrift store shopping which was super fun and rewarding, but it really did put into perspective how much I've been hurting myself.

Within the time it took us to walk from the car across the parking lot (not even to the door necessarily yet), I felt the familiar burning ache of overworked muscles and I was like "Alright. Well. Here we go."

I don't know how long we were in the first part of the store, before we walked down to the other, bigger part. I had 2 flannel shirts and was looking at the pants and already my arm was aching. Once I picked 5 total things, we'd moved on from the clothes so I could see what else they had. Traveling through the rest of the store, my arm slowly got more and more tired.

I got separated from my partner in the store (was fine, even with my issue at feeling Lost in Stores) and realized I was starting to crash really fast - I was going to need the medicine I'd brought ASAP, but my drink was in the car, and I had to pay for my things and I didn't know where my partner was.

I found them, we grabbed like 2 more things, they helped carry the heaviest stuff, and we paid and left. Once in the car, knowing it was safe to feel the pain, knowing it was safe to not have to keep pushing and make myself keep going, I realized I couldn't do it.

The day-long shopping marathons the women in my family do, the parties, the festivals, the hikes and the amusement parks, I physically cannot do them. And I don't know how long it's been like this because I wasn't allowed to pay attention to that.

Don't get me wrong, I love all of those things, but I cannot do them under my own power and I haven't been able to in ages.

I always figured if everyone had the option of sitting down and wheeling along rather than having to use their own two legs, they'd take it. In fact, I assumed most folks would just casually dream of not having to stand up ever again, of not having to walk across vast distances from the house to the mailbox, of just not having to...not having to hurt? I figured most folks' legs hurt all the time just like mine and I figured everyone else was just better at dealing with it.

Even bringing out my cane and the medicine didn't really *help* all that much. We rested for a while, but I still really wanted to go to our friends' cookout later that evening, despite my partner now being too worn out for it. I was super prepped to go it alone (had already gotten confirmation and assurance that it was allowed and possible for me to rest while i was there), but I was glad that Meta Prime was also good to go hang out because it is easier with a buddy.

I think adrenaline has been doing a lot of heavy lifting for my body (no pun intended?) because the adrenaline of going to be around friends (plus also the medicine, and the use of my cane and probably also the ability to sit) helped reduce the amount of pain and stiffness I normally would have been in at that point, even by the time we got home. (that or someone was working overtime to push to the front and make it so we couldn't feel it yet - it's a thing i try not to think about it too hard it makes things confusing and complicated).

but even with yesterday spent in bed and high af most of the day, i'm still sore, still tired, still achy. And I just used to live like this. Like no fucking wonder I was useless after work all the time.

I think this has confirmed for me, however, that it might be something to absolutely look into to get a wheelchair. This of course does require that I get my ass in to see a doctor sooner rather than later (yes i know i haven't done it yet i am...struggling with the concept), and figure out how to get them to write me an Rx for one but like. Baby steps. I at least...can confirm that apparently most folks don't spend about half their waking time wishing they were more physically disabled so that it would be seen as reasonable to let them sit and be in a wheelchair and in fact that might be a symptom of being more physically disabled and perhaps sometimes needing a wheelchair.

but yeah i'm just...processing.

i've already taken medicine. It hasn't really done much, considering we're in the Peak Time it should be working, which probably illustrates exactly how bad I feel. I'm going to go back to resting and hope i feel better soon lol

[rodbei]

Ok ok ok fuck you, were starting it.

And by it, I mean this blog - the way I just yapped to myself for twenty minutes in the shower about what to say - and now I have no idea.

But I guess I should introduce myself - even though - holy fuck I'm tired of introductions, like Jesus, just this last week of school, it's just constant! "Hi!, Hello!" "What's your name and pronouns?!? Oh, how about fuck you and fuck this!!! :D" Like it's exhausting I do think that's more a me thing than a general thing, like "Hi, here I am, here you go, you can forget me now."

But either way, my name is Rodbei... because that's the normal way and I am trying my best not to dox myself, my pronouns are ??/!! in the way that I have no clue and do your best!

I am doing this because I am seventeen and I just moved out and this is probably a very important time in my life I'm supposed to look back on?? But regardless I can't remember shit for shit and I should write it down so here we go:

Today I had 3 alarms - 5:00, 5:30, and 6:00 because I have to bike to school at 7:30 and be there at 8:00 and it sucks? I mean it's okay but ughhh no one likes autumn Mondays. It was cold and I didn't want to get up, but today was a good day because I could eat breakfast (normally eating breakfast is nauseating and ends with throwing up in a trashcan). So chocolate "musli," banana, and coffee were my start this morning. Also watched Smallish Beans' newest video because I am actually five years old ffs.

I met up with... should I make fake names?? Fine, I guess, I'll introduce my best "school" friend... umm... umm Red?!??... I'm going to forget that but okay. Me and Red biked to school together; Red had an electric bike while I struggled on my normal one. It was nice though since the past week has just been (ok I'm at a mixed art school so half the time we're at a normal school and the other part we're at an art school) and this past week we've been at the art school. But I live literally 30 seconds away from that school so no biking, but honestly biking is nice... downhill - too bad my school school is at the top of a giant hill -

But otherwise, school was fine. Two new students, though, which doesn't really change anything because I am a loser with zero social ability. Like, I swear I have never felt so out of place at a freaking ART SCHOOL and I am normally the art kid. Like, WHAT. But two new students, an emo kid, and some blond girl. Maybe I'll talk to the emo kid, but he reminds me of people who are too cool to try to make friends. And I am the most AWKWARD person ever. Like, I don't know how I do it. It's like a talent where I just cannot do normal small talk.

That was the interesting part of school. Red went home early because they're stupid and always a little bit sick. We had 4 subjects: movie, English, history, and math. They all sucked apart from the movie one.

But, oh my freaking god, you would think the teachers know how to teach neurodivergent kids. But they still make us sit still for 50 minutes while they talk at a board. NO ONE IS UNDERSTANDING SHIT.

My lunch today was a ham and cheese sandwich, an apple, a cereal bar, and a Caprisun because I'm lazy.

After school, I raced home and ate some crappy noodles. Then I watched some Remadora bloopers because I realized I still had access to TT Patreon. YIPPE. That was the highlight of my day, I think. LMAO.

After that, Red called me, and we went shopping and made tomato soup. I bought bread forgetting I froze some earlier like an idiot, and I bought the amazing, the legendary, CANNED WHIPPED CREAM. I was never allowed to have that as a kid. YIPPE YIPPE YIPPE.

I cleaned Red's room because I'm built weird while they made us tomato soup. We ate on the floor, and I did the dishes like I always do.

Then I came back here and rotted on TikTok. Also, I planned with Monke because it's an inside joke that we could maybe go to a Girl in Red concert in two weeks. But we're both broke. YIPPE.

Also, there's a party Friday that I'm only scared to go to because I'm going alone. And I'm gonna go home this weekend and maybe watch a movie with, let's say, Monke and Bunny.

God, they would hate me for that.

Song of today is: "I Wanna Be Your Girl" by Girl in Red.

-Rodbei 16-09-2024

[yeonmuse]

BREAK THE WALLS | Kim Hongjoong

Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Full Chapter list

🀥 Government agent Hongjoong x Rebel Oc

🀥 genre | dystopian society, halazia x geurilla concept , enemies to lovers

🀥 word count | 1k

🀥 Summary | An organization by the name of Sector 1 was well known for their work in the underground, theyve been well known for the recruiting of teens and using them to form an army since the year 2034. Collecting strays for their rebellion against those in higher power. Now the year is 2064 and the organization still runs strong they run like a family, with the new technology theyve found ways of keeping alive those that have been scorned in any past battles theyve had against the government.

When the government sends in 7 of their best men to infiltrate the organization. What will they do when their cover is blown and their true intentions are revealed? Will they join the rebellion or will they continue to let the government pull their strings like the little puppets they once were?

Skylar district, May 10 2061

"Next time you'll have to be quicker than that Honey." Tahani smirked in satisfaction as she chomped down on the very last cookie she had found in the kitchen of their shared lounge room. Jooheon sat slumped on the couch, saddened by his defeat.

Then entered Eris who looked over at Jooheon with pure amusement on her face as she entered with a laptop in her hand. "Were you two fighting over cookies again? That's what the third time this week T?''

"Not my fault Honey and Seungyoun never want to share.'' Tahani responds, smiling happily as she continues to munch down on her victory cookie.

Moments later the rest of the group piled into the room one by one, seeming exhausted from the mission from which they had just returned.

"Why is jooheon melting into the couch? Were Tahani and him fighting over cookies again-" leedo asks curiously before being pushed out of the way by Jiaqi as she ran over to Tahani and engulfed her into a hug.

"My Hani I've missed you so much, god I pray that you make it past evaluations or I just might lose my mind without you here. I can't take missions with these idiots anymore" At jiaqis words Tahani just laughs and wraps her arms around the girl in return.

"Speaking of how did your mission go?" Tahani asks the six that had all seemed to return bruised, battered and covered in dirt.

"Well it was a success but it would have been a lot easier if this hothead hadn't decided to just rush in guns blazing.'' Wonho reponds pointing over at Seungyoun, who had been sheepishly hiding away in a nearby corner. Mingyu must have scolded him real good because that was a look the girl knew all too well by now.

Right when the six of them felt they were finally able to relax Jongho burst through the door nearly scaring poor Elias who found himself slowly falling asleep in his seat.

"It's time.'' was the only thing he needed to say to let Tahani know that she would now have to go back to being serious.

Counting herself since the day she had snuck into there Mingyu had snuffed out 30 new recruits in total, today would be the day they all would show their capability through a series of tests. Arriving there already having somewhat decent fighting skills, and having been trained by none other than Jongho and Wonho the last few months Tahani was more than confident that she had this in the bag. Whether it be combat, guns , advanced weaponery she had learned it all in just that short span of time of being there. She didn't know what they would throw at her but whatever it was she knew she was prepared. Upon making her way out into the mega station her eyes scanned her surroundings taking in all the faces that sat in the stadiums surrounding them. ' all this just to view a simple evaluation?' She thought to herself.

There was a sudden alarm that rang through the arena and everyone in the surrounding stadiums grew quiet. Moments later Mingyus voice rang out over the loudspeakers.

"Members of Sector 1 the 30 you see before you will now be put through a series of tests, these tests will determine if each of them are fit and skilled enough to become part of this family. The annual half year evaluation will commence in three, two, one." and with that a large forcefield like dome formed around the arena and the lights shut to black. It wasnt until Tahani heard the sound of a body dropping beside her that she realized the predicament she was in. The first task must have been to see how they did without their line of vision.

"Fuck.'' her sudden outburst gave away her location to someone that had stood nearby. They were quick to attack from behind and she was able to easily remove herself from their embrace with a simple headbutt. Even without being able to see her though the person was quite persistent. They threw punch after punch every now and then growing successful in landing a hit on the girl, and for a while she let them have their fun before catching their arm mid swing and twisting it behind their back to force them to the ground, she finished them off with one last punch and received no time to grow excited over her first victory as someone else snatched her to the ground by her shirt and sat on top of her. She quickly guarded her face knowing it' be the first place they would aim, before flipping the two over and reaching for the person's neck. She held her grip only tightening it the more she felt whoever it was struggling beneath her. It wasnt until she finally felt them go limp beneath her that she let go and rushed to stand on her feet. Suddenly everything went quiet once more and the lights shut back on blinding Tahani momentarily before she was finally able to set eyes on the scene before her. 13 lie unconscious on the ground which meant there were still 17 of them that needed to continue fighting. Agaisnt the walls near the entrance in which they had all piled in lie a table full of different knives, which surprised Tahani nonetheless

"Wait, wait you didnt say we had to kill anyone." Tahani yells out, and it had been as if she were talking to herself considering the dome restricted her from seeing anything outside of the arena, including those that flooded the stadium. No one said that either of them would have to use any weapons against one another. She thought it would be a simple fight. She had trained with all of these guys for months, though her bond with any of them wasnt as strong as it was with Jongho and the others she still considered them all family. The remaining fighters all seem to glance around at one another before rushing over to the table.

"Shit.'' Tahanis overthinking caused her to be the last person to make it to the table, by the time she was able to reach for a dagger she had already had two different girls aiming to slash at her. She dodged both attacks with ease but fighting off the two of them at the same time wouldnt be so simple. Why did it seem like everyone had set their sights on her?

Meanwhile outside of the arena 29 familiar faces sat amongst those in the stadium as they had already completed their own simulations. Jongho and the group of friends watched the overhead screen intensely as their friend battled for what could possibly be a fight for her life here.

[purplesurveys]

1793

Yesterday

1) What was the weather like? Did it change your plans in any way? It was extremely sunny during the day which kind of sucked, because yesterday my family played host to a family reunion on the rooftop and the weather made things feel a little uncomfortable. In the afternoon, while the sun did hide for a bit it ended up being super humid anyway, so in either case it really just ended up being a super sweaty affair lol.

We addressed it by making sure our aircon in the living room was turned on the entire afternoon, so that anyone who starts to feel super hot or dizzy can choose to go down – which is why it ended up pissing me off when I caught a few people not even trying to hide their bitchings about how hot it was at our place and yet refused to go downstairs when I offered. Complaints are classic Filipino guest things but something I've never learned how to tolerate so I was pretty irritated from the get-go of that damn reunion.

2) What did you do yesterday, anyway? Helped my parents host said reunion, for the most part. I was so exhausted from all the walking and hosting and socializing all over the house so ngl I was knocked out from like 5 to 8, right after people left ha. When I woke up earlier this evening I spent a few hours playing a game on my phone and now I'm here winding down with a couple of surveys. Not a very eventful Saturday which is how I prefer my weekends to be.

3) Did you eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner? What did you have? I didn't have breakfast as usual. Lunch wasn't a full meal for me, I just got like 3 pieces of sushi from our reunion spread. I also didn't have dinner and just made a cup of coffee which is still right next to me.

4) Did you do some form of exercise? What? If going up and down the stairs 200 times counts as exercise then it would be that.

5) Who did you spend the most time with? My sister. Out of the huge crowd at home, we knew each other the best so we stuck together, lol.

6) What television shows or movies did you watch? I finished Gyeongseong Creature super early on in the morning (like, technically I was watching it from Friday then it bled into the midnight hours of Saturday haha), then I also played a couple episodes of Friends for the very few people who were in my age group in the reunion.

7) What time did you get up and go to bed? I got up at like 9. Went to sleep at 3 AM earlier.

8) What was the best bit about yesterday? I can't decide between watching Gyeongseong Creature and getting to eat sushi.

9) What about the worst? Being bombarded with work messages on a Saturday. My work! Makes me! Depressed!

10) Did you talk to anyone on the phone? Who? Why? My mom needed help ordering additional food for the reunion so she called me up while she was doing last few errands at the grocery so I can take care of it.

Today

1) What time did you get up? I just got up and it's currently nearly a half hour past 8.

2) What are your plans for today? I'll be taking my family to my favorite ramen place for lunch, then later in the afternoon I'll be seeing my close friends for our super late Christmas party.

3) Have you eaten any meals yet? What did you have? None yet. I don't mind not eating for a few more hours because I'll be eating a lot today lmao, so I'd rather save up the hunger so I can fully pig out for both lunch and dinner.

4) Are you planning on seeing your friends or boyfriend/girlfriend? Yup! I'm seeing Angela, Reena, and Hans later for dinner/Christmas party. I don't think we've been together since...August? In any case, we'll be at our fav Korean spot so I'm looking forward to it.

5) Does your favorite television show air today? Breaking Bad ended 11 years ago.

6) Have you spoken to your parents yet? Nopes.

7) How many texts have you received? I haven't gotten anything yet for today.

8) Are you planning on going to bed early? I never do on Sundays because I never look forward to Mondays.

9) Have you done anything remotely productive today? Nope. The full load of my day will start in like an hour when we head to our usual Sunday mass and after that I'm going to be traveling everywhere hahaha. BGC for ramen, then I might have to shop for clothes for my Seventeen concert next week, then head home so I can drive out for dinner with friends.

10) How much money did you spend so far? Are you planning on spending more later? None yet as it's only 8 but I am for sure going to be pulling out my card a few times today.

Tomorrow

1) What time do you have to get up tomorrow? Around 8.

2) What do you hope the weather will be like? Chilly but not too chilly. Cold weather feels so good that it makes me miserable when at work, because when the weather is comfy like that all I want to do is rest. So it'll be nice if it were cold, but I hope it's not too comfy!cold that all I'll think about is why I'm not in bed, lol.

3) Is there anything you’re dreading about tomorrow? The fact that I have work and that it's Monday.

4) Is there anything important you need to do, or can you just relax? Nope, can't relax.

5) Do you have plans to see your friends? No, I never have time to during weekdays.

6) What do you hope will happen tomorrow? I hope my schedule will be nice to me.

7) Are you going to wake up at home, or somewhere else? Just at home.

8) If you don’t have any plans, what do you think you’ll end up doing? I'll be working.

9) Do you have to get a work out in at some point? Nope.

10) Will you be working or studying at all? Yes.

[croissantbae]

October 16, 2023

The past few weeks have felt like a whirlwind. While I’ve been on my phone constantly the past few weeks it was almost exclusively to take photos and communicate immediately with folks to coordinate meetups. I barely looked at insta or my emails. It was seriously wonderful. Today I went through my photo album of the past few weeks and it doesn’t feel like there are enough photos. I legit feel like there should be more based on how full the trip felt.

I’m not even going to attempt to summarize the trip. I’ll just jot down a few thoughts.

1. Even though we were with the kids 24/7 and they were driving us crazy at times, now that I have to leave them I feel really sad and I miss them so much. I really do just love our family. Same goes for extended family too. After my mom/bro/sil/Shiloh departed, it felt like we weren’t whole without them. We could feel the lack of their presence. My mom is also seriously so clutch. She came to our house before we landed, made bap and miyukgook, and then picked us up from the airport. The miyukgook sVed our lives. We ate it for dinner and then as a post sleep meal when the girls were up in the wee hours of the morning. And then for breakfast the next day lol. She’s also coming tomorrow to take the girls to school because Jason has an important meeting. I would want to pay it forward for our kids but I’m generally assuming they won’t have kids (bc of climate change).

2. Adjusting to time zone changes is a bitch. The kids were waking up super early and sleeping very little when we went. And adults got virtually no sleep in the plane ride over. The girls slept fairly well but they were really squished lying next to each other on the seats. I actually got sick on the second day in and I think it was mostly from extreme sleep exhaustion (because we were already deprived from the sleep training saga and nerves not being able to sleep from starting a new job). It felt pretty miserable those first few days but thankfully the whole fam was there to watch the kids so I could get some rest. Now coming back we’re also getting terrible sleep and the kids have been awake anywhere from 11 to 4 am but I actually feel like I’m still sleeping better this time around. Today the girls slept in until noon and then I took them to school at around 2 just so they could play for a few hours. Hopefully they wake up earlier tomorrow and can actually go to school on a relatively normal schedule. Godspeed to my mom.

3. My grandma is so old. Like seriously. She was sooo happy to see us she was trying her best to keep up with us. She was actually walking so fast I was shocked. But she said she didnt care if she died she was going to walk as fast as she could so she could hang with us and not be seen as a burden. I could tell she really enjoyed herself and she bonded a lot with Dani. Jason’s grandma is much older than my grandma (I think by 10 years) but she’s still soooo healthy. She walks with a cane now but I love how social she is. We told her we’d come by to hang out the next day but she said she couldn’t because she was busy with her friends 😂. When we hung out w Jason’s family they took us to their local gogi jib (one we went to years ago too) and wansun Emo made me drink w her so I drank a bottle of soju and she drank a bottle of makgeoli lol. It was a lot of fun and the girls were thankfully well behaved.

4. Overall the kids really seemed to love Korea and want to go back. I fell in love with jejudo and seriously want to go back to the same hotel. But if we did go I wonder if it would be nearly as magical without the whole friend group there 🧐. I suspect not but there’s a different kind of fun just being with family too.

[bike42]

Friday September 1st

We slept from 8pm last night until about 6am this morning. I got up and did some yoga and showered before breakfast. The hotel breakfast reminded me of the hotel breakfast in Santorini - they bring a basket of pastries (including my favorite chocolate croissants), give you a choice of starter (fruit, yogurt and granola, or porridge) then a choice of 4 different egg entrees. We both had yogurt and the “Irish Breakfast” today which is two eggs, thick bacon, sausage, two different blood sausages (no, thank you), potatoes, and grilled tomato and mushrooms. We ate too much, but it was all good.

We went back to our room and slept for another two hours, then hustled to meet our tour guide for the Book of Kells and Dublin Castle tour. I’d booked this through Viatar which I’d used before - worked out well. Mostly other Americans on our tour, some from a cruise ship - stopped in Dublin for just a few hours?

Our tour guide, Antonio, was fantastic. He told us all about Trinity College, the Book of Kells, and the long library. Guides aren’t really allowed to “guide” inside, so he prepped us on what we’d be seeing and met us in the library afterwards. I’m still having a hard time wrapping my mind around a book as ancient as that - what went into it to make it, all the symbology, and the fact that it’s just that old!

After that, we walked together through the streets - such dangerous crossings, past the Molly Malone statue (Antonio was impressed that I knew of the Dubliners) to Dublin Castle, which didn’t appear to be much. We went around the side to the garden and Antonio gave us a few more facts and suggestions for other things to see and do.

We had 4pm tickets for the Guinness experience, so we popped into a coffee shop for a coffee and sandwich, and walked about 1km more to Guinness, passing many beautiful old churches and cathedrals. We were early, but we got in anyway and started our tour. We’d learned some things from Antonio earlier, and that helped Jeff win an extra glass of beer (what color is Guinness? Red). We also learned about the criteria for a perfect Guinness pour, and how to find a pub that’s been certified by Guinness (identified by a special red sign). Criteria are: 45 degree tilt, fill 3/4 full and let surge settle for 60 seconds. Should not exceed 119.5 seconds total. 12 mm foam top.

The whole tour exceeded my expectations. Guinness has long been one of my favorite beers, but the experience was well laid out from the process of how the beer is made, to the history of making the barrels, their advertising history, etc. There was a man playing a Bodhran (Celtic drum) with a bunch of extra drums. I jumped in and tried to learn and play along - tough on the wrist, but fun to try.

We’d bought the ticket for the “Stoutie” experience, which is having your face magically “printed” into the foam head. Fun, but I “drank” my head before I got a very good photo! We ended our tour on the seventh floor “Gravity Bar” with another pint each. Luckily, I had some almonds in my bag so we could mute our buzz just a bit. Quick stop at the gift shop and we were on our way.

We received a text from Connie and Jeff who will be joining us on the M&M tour in a few days, so we made a plan to meet them at Stag’s Head Pub (walked by it this afternoon and Antonio said is was good). Friday night and things were picking up, so we were lucky to snag the last table for 4! It was good to meet them ahead of time, make it easier to sort out who is who when we meet the whole group in a few days!

We left there about 8pm, and walked through the Friday night crowd back to our hotel. Exhausted after our first full day, and still a bit jet lagged.

Saturday September 2nd

If I hadn’t set an alarm this morning, we would have slept through breakfast! We went down and ate a little less this morning, then back to our room. Jeff went back to sleep again, I researched options for today and tomorrow, then did a yoga session and got ready for the day.

We headed out about 11:30am and found a warm sunny day - so far we haven’t used an umbrella since getting on the plane in Amsterdam! We walked to the river, and verified our coach (bus) pickup spot for Monday morning. We noticed commotion across the river and learned there was a “Liffey Swim” race going on. Unfortunately, we couldn’t stay to watch the swimmers arrive as we had tickets to the “Jeanie Johnston” tour and it was about to start!

I bought 1pm tickets for the Emigrant Museum, and they gave us a noon add on tour of a replica of a 1847 three masted sailing ship - living history museum on 19th century emigration. The Original ship would have been used for trading between Ireland and North America (emigrants to NA, timber back to Europe).

We had the most fantastic guide, telling us the most horrific story of the Potato Famine and “coffin ships.” I’d read enough historical fiction of emigrants crossing from Europe / UK in the 1800’s to know the voyage was gruesome and dangerous. But hearing about it while standing in a replica ship really made it come to life.

Between 1848 and 1855, the Jennie Johnston made 16 voyages to NA, average length of the journey was 47 days. The ship was licensed to carry 40

people, including crew, but the most passengers ever carried was 254! They claim she had a perfect safety record and no passenger or crew member ever died onboard, in contrast to many others known as “coffin ships.” The original ship sunk in 1858 after becoming waterlogged hauling a load of timber - but the crew was rescued by another ship.

Our guide told us the difference was the Donovan family who owned the ship.

It was referred to as a “miracle ship,” but they had better sanitation and provided food and clean water to the passengers. They also had a physician on board - he screened passengers before boarding, insisted on toilet buckets to be emptied and washed out frequently, blankets to be aired on deck everyday, and passengers were allowed on deck for 30 minutes each day. All that was unusual for those days apparently.

The cost to passengers for passage to North America was 3 pounds (2400 Euros in those days). Most couldn’t pay that as they were already poor when the Potato Blight ruined the potato crop in Ireland. Families would often send one person to get settled, who would send money for others to follow (if they were still alive and if they were healthy enough to travel). She told us of one woman who gave birth to a son onboard, they later settled in St Paul and there is a photo of him in a bar that he owned there when he was a grown man.

Our guide knew a lot, and was delicately choosing her words. She pointed out that the blight impacted potatoes all over the world, but economically, Ireland was the only place that was devastated by it. We stayed and talked with her more after the tour, with our naive questions of why didn’t they plant other crops? What we didn’t understand is that Ireland was under UK rule then and many other crops were grown, but they were all “property” of the crown and exported to England. She said different parts of Ireland were impacted differently - her family was from north of Dublin with little impact, but the west coast where we’re headed was most devastated.

It is estimated that 1.2 million people died and another 1.5 million left Ireland (population number have yet to recover) between 1845 and 1852. There is no word for “Great Famine” in Irish - their word “Gorta Mor,” means the Great Hunger.

The famine was a defining moment in the history of Ireland. The British government provided little aid and made statements that the famine was due to lacking moral character of the Irish. A vicious cycle of mass evictions led to people living in ditches and hedges. One politician had been quoted as saying “let them eat grass.” Soup kitchens were set up for about six months, but then withdrawn to “avoid dependency.” It’s not hard to see how this triggered the eventual fight for independence from the UK.

We left the ship and headed to the Irish Emigration Museum - very well done, illustrating contributions Irish descendants have had around the world in politics, the arts and history in general.

We grabbed a quick sandwich and began the 30 minute walk to the Jameson Distillery for our 3:30pm reservation. The streets were crowded with people, buses, cars and bikes so it made walking a little more difficult!

We enjoyed the Jameson tour, but they don’t actually make it at that site any longer, so it was more of a talk and tasting. We also did a “Cask draw” from a first use bourbon barrel, added 18 years (2005). It was made from a single pot still - no corn or maize, and was quite good malted barley. In the gift shop, we bought a bottle of Jameson Crested, aged in a sherry barrel from Spain - quite yummy and I thought it’d be fun to share on the M&M tour. Sine metu = without fear (Jameson motto).

We were sitting in the converted warehouse having a Jameson and ginger beer cocktail, when I realized that Guinness and Jameson apparently operated right through the time of the Great Hunger / Famine. Hmmmm? Wonder how that worked?

We’d received a text from Steve, another M&M participant that arrived in Dublin just today. He suggested a pub near his hotel so we walked back across the river and met him there, and Jeff & Connie met us as well. I had a gin & tonic (talking to a couple from Cornwall made me thirsty for gin) and a massive yummy hunk of battered fish, and some so-so “chips.” The bar was really hopping - several different music acts while we were there, made me anxious to get the musical portion of this trip going. We walked back to our hotel along the end of the Temple Bar area, know for its partying - really starting to pick up at 8pm on a Saturday night. We walked along Gaston Street with the high end shops and bought gelato along the way. People watching would be awesome tonight, but we’re exhausted and ready for sleep!

I learned Jimmy Buffett died yesterday. Makes me sad as his music had been such a big part of my life, especially in the days when I needed some “escapism” from my reality. I know that like John Prine, John Denver, Tom Petty and so many others, his music will live on. It was fun to get messages from Regina and Becky and think about what fun we had at those Alpine Valley concerts - one year we made a huge fin out of cardboard and ducktaped it to the ski rack on top of my old Saab.

Sunday September 3, 2023

We’ve fallen into a good morning routine of yoga/stretching, shower, and a hearty Irish breakfast. We had a later breakfast this morning, no need to rush into our day. I awoke with a craving for green vegetables, so I started perusing the menus of needby restaurants for tonight … ready for a break from pub food!

We went to the 11am tour at the “Little Museum of Dublin,” which was just down the street. It is an eclectic mix of stuff in an old Georgian style townhome across from St Stevens Green, a large park across the street. One of the interesting artifacts they had was a key to the park, as the park had been locked and only the wealthy neighbors had keys! Most of the staff were likely actors in training and they told amusing stories and anecdotes along with their version of the history of Ireland. We most liked the room dedicated to U2, since we’re not going to make it over to the Rock n Roll museum.

We strolled through the park - very alive with families being a warm beautiful Sunday afternoon! From there we walked down Grafton Street, window shopping and listening to buskers. It was even more crowded that it had been last night. We were on a mission to find “super glue” to repair Jeff’s shoe. We struck out a the pharmacies, then on Google I found “Mary’s Bar and Hardware,” a cute little place with a friendly bartender who suggested we try Dunnes, where we found several different types. Back to the room for some R&R before heading out again. A couple days of this sidewalk / museum strolling pace and I’m ready to get out to the countryside and do some hiking with a fast pace and normal stride!

We had a few more museums we wanted to see, but we were pretty tired, so we bought tickets to the Hop On - Hop Off bus and rode around the city being entertained by our driver Alan. It’s always a different perspective from the top of the bus, and it was a great day to be out on the top deck.

We met our travel partner, Steve, at an Italian restaurant close to our hotel for dinner. We shared a bottle of “Super Tuscan” wine and I had my fill of good vegetables - a nice break from pub food. Early night - tomorrow we travel 3-hours by bus to meet the rest of the group in Bunratty!

[priscila-runs]

Week 4 micro log to observe, track, adjust my daily activities. I’d like to do this again next week because week 4 has been FUNKY. Our fridge broke down at the beginning of august and much to our absolute surprise and dismay, the property manager replaced it with a critter-infested fridge. This means that for the past couple weeks we’ve had roaches Trojan horse their way into our kitchen and personal space lol. Not good. We threw out most of the opened containers and saved what we could in coolers while we waited for a new fridge (which was a battle bc landlords in TX are not fun) and in the meantime took to eating out a lot, which, to no one’s surprise, led to very few affordable and healthy meals. A heartbreak for its own reasons. It’s been an interesting adventure. Fast forward ⏩ again to today and we are now in the clear with a new fridge and (fumigated) reclaimed personal space lol. Keep in mind that my log below was in the midst of this funhouse adventure.

Monday morning: exhausted, did not have the energy to wake up at 5AM. I think it’s because my LR was yesterday (like every Sunday so far), and I went to bed at 10:30, an hour and a half late! Ran my five miles at lunchtime today on the treadmill with great success! One perk of the treadmill is that it keeps you right on pace. Had sweet potato, beans and rice bowl with pumpkin seeds, spinach and lemon salad for dinner at a place called Honest Mary’s. Will try again for their wide variety of other bowl options.

Tuesday: Last night went to bed at 9:30, score. Woke up at 5:10, it’s now 5:15AM and I’m feeling much better than I did yesterday morning but muscles definitely a little tight. 3 miles today.

Tues night: actually just ran 1 mile bc groin area felt strained. I started feeling hesitant about running hard so I turned back. Going to bed at 9:30 and doing a tempo workout tomorrow. I promised myself that I will adjust my schedule THIS WEEK.

Wed morning: woke up less tired at 5:15. Headed out the door at 5:35 and did a tempo workout with just coffee. 🥵 I’m starting to get a hold of my Wednesday morning routine, which is good bc it’s the one I want to prioritize bc Wednesday is speed day.

Wednesday night successfully went to bed at 9PM!

Thursday morning woke up at 5:30, crap. But went out the door by 5:45 giving me plenty of time to do three miles at 8 min pace. Tumble 22 for dinner. I’m not aware of fried chicken sandwiches being on a dietitian’s meal plan 🤷‍♀️ but I fkn love fried chicken sandwiches so I said what the hell. At least I subbed the fries for potato salad 😇 It was a very enjoyable meal.

Friday: feeling great this morning. Five miles at 8:25 pace 🥵 Pizza for dinner! Ate the crust, which, I’m ashamed to admit, is a new endeavor for me.

Saturday. Today is dad’s birthday so I’m driving to see the family and celebrate. Hoping to do a long run there but his town is so small that I’d probably need to loop the town and back to do the full 12 miles. Rest day today.

Sunday: I surprised my dad with a margarita machine for his 60th birthday party. It was a blast until I realized it was midnight. I went to bed and while I did not do my long run (sad) I did wake up at 4AM to watch the Perseid meteor shower on the trampoline in complete solitude. One thing I love about the hill country is the night sky. Star gazing is an activity I’ve always treasured here for as long as I can remember. Therefore, the timing of my trip on the night of the showers was perfect. Those 30 minutes were remarkable.

I DIGRESS.

I adjusted my schedule this week per my promise to self. I now have speed days on Thursdays, rest day on Mondays and easy runs on Wednesdays. Hopeful that this adjustment will give me room to breathe during the work week and allow Thursdays the crucial concentration needed for building speed 😈 Gave the Hoka Mach 5s a try and they are great for long runs 👌 however, my Nike Pegasus, which I’ve had for a year or so, are the darlings✨ Wide toe box yet narrow, and not a lot of heel height, perfect for my silly little overpronating feet.

I’m curious about trying a pair of Mizunos next. Anyone out there tried?

[pblair9]

Pedro's English Golf and hockey Blog

I am going to blog about my high school golf season. This year I am currently playing on the Centennial Varsity High school golf team.

4/26

Today was are first golf match of the season and let me tell ya it was a great one. We played at a very nice course Golden Valley country club. We teed off for a shotgun start at about 11:00 am. It was a little chilly today but not to bad at a temperature of 48 degrees. Today I couldn't of started off with a better start then I did I shot a 74. But not a normal 74 all over the place with a eagle, lots of birdies, and a couple of double bogeys but hey don't get me wrong I was pumped with the round I shot escpecially on the very quick greens.

This evening I had my first skills skate in awhile which was pretty fun. I skated at the Lumberyard in Stillwater which is a really cool mini 3 on 3 rink. Today though for the skills skate we just kinda went back to the basics and just getting the hands good again cause like I said it has been awhile since I had one. So basically we worked all different variations of stick handling in tight and awkward situations and then having to get a shot off right after or make a move on the goalie. It was actually a pretty light skate and fun to be back out there again.

5/1

Let's just say Rush creek golf course got me today. It was not a lovely day on the golf course today with crazy 30 mph winds blowing in our faces. I just couldn't found my game today swing just never felt great felt like I just couldn't find a fairway or green but once I got to the green I was actually able to putt so there was one positive. But I ended shooting a very rough score of 86.

Hockey today was great but also exhausting. Today I skated with my skating coach at fogerty ice arena and let me tell ya those are the hardest skates you’ll do. You start with a warmup and usually when you do a warmup you’d think it would be easy no it is the opposite of that it is very difficult. We worked on being explosive out of turns and getting our head around to see and scan the ice in front of you. But it’s been awhile since I’ve had a skating practice but it was fun but difficult see ya next time on the blog!!

5/3

Royal golf club one word to describe is beautiful. But past that gosh did I love that course. But to the golf I started out really well thru 11 was -2 which was really good but my round took a turn very quickly. I mean there was a reason why it took a turn and it was because I got drafted in the USHL by the Chicago Steel and I was just so happy I couldn't focus back and it ended up shooting a 82 but to be honest besides my score it was a great day of golf and getting drafted. Also forgot to add this is a two day tournament which i'll add to the blog tomorrow after the 2nd day of the tournament.

We were back to lumberyard this morning. We were with skills coach Scott Bond and we were working on keeping our head up while still having our feet moving and having  quick hands. Today there were a couple of us at the session so it was fun to see everyone that got back from juniors to come home and skate. It’s always great skating with others because they make you better and it is fun to compete with others. After the skate they have a really nice shooting area so me and a couple of the guys went back there to really dial in our shots and releases.

5/4

Today was the day of our 2nd round of the border battle tourney at Troy burn a wonderful course. But even though I came into today with a positive attitude just felt like I could never get my game on track swing never felt great and my putts were always tracking just seemed like one of those days where putts don't want to drop. But hey its golf can't be great every tournament or let alone money but great course to play on today just my game couldn't match.

Hockey this evening was at Centennial high school with one of my friends dads running the skate named Jesse Ramirez. His skates are always a great high intensity with a lot of skill type of skate . Just working on really getting your feet moving and having your hands be able to keep up. We finished the skate with a little 4 on 4 scrimmage to end off the day like we usually do with those skates which was really fun my team ended up winning so I didn't have to do the terrible forfeit that you have to do for losing.

5/7

Played TPC this morning with my buddy Hayden and his dad Jason. We always do some type of betting on the course today we did 5 dollars a 9 winner takes all. I mean today I thought I played good just my game got good a little too late I shot a 78 was even thru the last 15 holes so my first 3 holes really screwed me over for trying to win money but I can’t really complain cause Hayden shot 70 and Jason shot 73 so they both played really good rounds so at least I didn’t lose to scores that weren’t to great. Just shows being on time can be too late when others start of early.

Today I didn’t skate on ice but I played my first roller session of the year and to be honest at this time in the year nothing can beat playing roller hockey doesn’t get better than it. Roller hockey is really fun cause it’s a complete different game it is all about patience and making really good hockey plays. And the group out there are great players few younger guys like my age and then the rest are guys who are older that we’re really good players when they were younger. We play roller at the hippodrome in white bear it’s a legendary mini rink I believe it’s the oldest indoor hockey rink in the metro.

5/10

Played golf at Keller this afternoon really sweet course in the Maplewood area. I’d say it’s one of the most underrated course around here cause not many play it a lot but gosh is it a really nice course i believe even back in the 40’s there was a pga tournament here which is really sweet. But on to my round it was a really back and forth round. I would have really good holes then right after I would just have a blowup hole so it felt like I could never get in rhythm and couldn’t make many putts which resulted in me shooting a 84.

For hockey had my first game in awhile it’s a showcase at Doug Woog arena with are high schools section they take the top 20 kid and build a team to play others teams. From here you can get selected to play in the NIT tournament where they take the top 20 guys from the showcase this weekend and play others teams across the country trying to win the NIT tournament. But today we had 1 game first game with a bunch of random guys is always pretty sloppy and hectic but came the third period are team started to get under control and we took the lead with 5 minutes left and ended up winning which was exciting.

5/16

Loggers trail. Today was I don’t even know how to explain it basically all over the place. Had a really rough morning couldn’t wake up kept falling asleep completely forgetting I had a match at 9 this morning until I look at the clock and it was 8:30 and I was like shoot I have a golf tourney in 30 minutes I better get going. Well I made but definitely not early I was there 2 minutes before my tee time and had no warmup so I had no expectations going into this round I was hey if I shoot anything decent I’m happy cause I’m already all over the place and I did exactly that so I’m not to mad I ended up shooting a 81 which isn’t great but isn’t terrible under my circumstances.

Didn’t have hockey today but went and watched some games this evening at the nahl showcase with my buddies. Which was pretty fun  the games were really close and intense cause they are playing in the finals of the Robertson cup to win it all in the NAHL. After that we went and got some food at Leann chin which is one of my favorites. After we ate we all went to my friend Jacks house and just chilled. So today was a pretty good day of just chilllllllingggg!!!!

5/18

Road trip to brainerd with the golf team today. Today I won’t be saying anything about hockey because there is no hockey that happened today but we’ll be just talking about our first on the Brainerd golf road trip. We started on the road early at 10 am after having to show up to school at 9 too pack all the cars with us and are luggage and golf bags. But I road in the car with Harper, Hayden, and Flint which was a fun car ride we just ate food and talked about all the stories over the years so the trip was made quick with a lot of laughter. Then we showed up to the golf course where we were going to play are first round of the trip.

First round of the trip was a really sweet par 3 course to start off the week fun and compete amongst the guys. We brought up 9 guys so we split the teams into 3 where I played with flint and cooper. Let’s just say it was a butt killing to the other teams and they had no chance. We all played great we’re making everything and hitting every green where no one else could compete with us. So the first day of the road trip I would say was great.

5/23

He we are today back at the staple of where I play my best. That is indeed victory links. Victory links is basically where I play my golf everyday in the summer with my buddies so I know the course like the back of my hand so I was really excited to play today. I shot a 77 today 6 over which to be honest I’m happy with but I could’ve shot a much lower score but some putts just didn’t want to drop today to really help my score but are team in general today played really well finishing in third place which is really exciting. Today my good friend Hayden had a really good day on the golf course shooting 1 under which got him in third place.

Today was the start of the NIT tournament which was really cool to see my name be selected for the second year in a row. Lot of familiar faces on the team from just playing with and against over all the years of youth and high school hockey. To say the least today was one of my better games in a while which was great ended up talking to a couple of college coaches after the game which is always exciting and excited to keep in touch with them. But are team one with a score of 7-2 which we pretty much beat up on the team the whole day so first day of NIT was definitely a success.

[dzpenumbra]

5/2/23

Good lord I'm tired. I slept like shit again. Really bad this time. Only like 5 hours total. And a very intense yoga routine. But... I did finish this...

So... not all is lost. I spent pretty much the whole day on it.

I don't really have much to say tonight, I'm just beyond exhausted. I need to find something to help sleep. And again, I've been too afraid of smoking weed. So... I think I'm going to find a good day with good vibes and get something immersive like minecraft set up and then smoke a little bit and see how I handle it, just to get reacquainted. And if it freaks me out, then figure out an alternative.

Again, really weird to be this scared of weed when I smoked every single night for months before I moved in here, and smoked every single night for the first like... 2 months that I was here. But my tolerance is 100% gone, I guarantee it. So... I'm a bit worried about getting hit really hard by it.

You know... when I was 17, I got my parents to buy me beer. Coors Original, I didn't even know beer or anything, I just wanted to drink. And I went walking into town with 2 Nalgenes full of Coors in my backpack, walking barefoot with a skate t-shirt with the sleeves ripped off and cargo shorts. When I got into town, I was pretty much done with the first Nalgene and had a good solid buzz going, and my friends pulled up when I was walking past a gas station. They were in their hippie van, they had an extra ticket to the Deep Purple and Joe Satriani show they were going to and wanted to see if I wanted to come with. And I, of course, without hesitation, said yes. And off we went. And I remember being in the parking lot, getting out of the van, chugging the last of my beer and eating a piece of pizza, walking barefoot across this asphalt parking lot. And when we got into the show, we went up to the barricade that separated the "lawn seats" and the actual... seats. And some couple came up to me and my friend, they were leaving and offered us... I shit you not... free second-row seats. And they insisted, so we took them. And I didn't even know the music, I didn't even know I was going to be there!

I used to be spontaneous. I used to say "yes". And now? I'm scared of smoking weed because it might give me a waking nightmare. And I'm often scared to go to sleep because it might give me a... sleeping nightmare. And it makes me understand part of what they mean when they say "oh, to be a kid again." It's not just the wonder and curiosity... it's the naiveté. Car accidents, diseases, mob violence, traumatic shit... those are things you see on the news (I guess today's analog would be social media), those are things that happen in movies and stories and games, those are things that happen to other people. They're removed. And it creates this sense of invulnerability.

To be completely honest, I saw a lot of this in the pandemic. A lot was denial, but that whole attitude of... "well, I'm not gonna get it", "well I don't know anyone who got it", "everyone I know who got it was fine". With the ones whose critical thinking can override their pride, once they see what it's capable of after it strikes close to home? They start taking shit seriously.

Idk, maybe a bad example, but it's something. Point being... I miss being that carefree, and all the good that came with it. I went from whitewater kayaking the day after a hurricane (which was unfathomably dangerous and I would not do again) to being afraid to smoke weed alone in my apartment on a monday afternoon. Or even at 4 AM to help with sleep.

Why? I don't even know. The emotion is just too strong, I guess.

I'm not going to solve this tonight, I just wanted to bring it up again for the umpteenth time. Weed has been a reliable remedy to help with sleep. I think it has to do with suppressing dreams. But I just don't want to wake up after 3 hours, sleep deprived, groggy, hearing weird noises coming from my super loud neighbors, still very high, and start freaking out. I just don't want to absorb that feeling of vulnerability. So, basically... if it works... I will sleep great and a ton of my recurring problems will be remedied. If it doesn't... I will have a waking nightmare for a few hours that's worse than me trying to sleep without weed. Worth the gamble?

If only I had literally anything in place as a contingency plan for freaking out. Like... anything. A happy place. Maybe that can be my thing to work on tomorrow, make a fucking happy place.

I am actually nodding off. I'm out.

[venicebitch00]

Hi can you do a jackass one about Johnny x yn

It can be Literally about anything up to you 💕

Mad About You

summary: at night out with the jackass guys shows you that your feelings for the crew's leader may not be totally unreciprocated

pairings: johhny knoxville x fem!reader

a/n: thank you so much for requesting! i haven't been writing as much recently, so i hope i was still able to do this justice <3 requests are still open!

warnings: strong language, mentions of drinking/alcohol, making out

You flopped down on your bed, letting out a long dramatic sigh while doing so. Every single part of your body ached and throbbed. Ever since dawn this morning you have been out filming and doing crazy stunts for the new “Jackass” movie. You loved your job, you really did but sometimes, on days like today you wished you had listened to your parents and gone to medical school instead.

And of course, to top off your already exhausting day, Pontius suggested that the crew “go out for some drinks”, which in Jackass language translated to getting totally fucked up and partying till 4 in the morning. Normally on days like this, you would have just declined and got a well-needed rest, however, you had bailed on them the past few nights and felt guilty to do it again. You would also be lying to yourself if you said it had nothing to do with seeing a certain sailor hat-wearing costar of yours.

So with an exasperated groan, you got out of bed and began to get ready. After a steaming shower, your mood began to slightly improve. You meticulously chose your outfit for the night, a habit you felt yourself doing every time you planned on seeing him. It was embarrassing really, I mean having a hopeless crush on your older coworker, how disgustingly cliché was that? There were times when you thought your little crush maybe reciprocated, like when he would casually drape his arm over you while talking to the guys, or in conversations when you would call you “doll” or “darlin” in passing. But, you always tell yourself, even if he did feel the same way, nothing could ever happen, it would be too risky.

You managed to decide on an outfit that highlighted your features perfectly, and although you certainly didn’t feel the best, you were able to admit that you looked smokin’. After looking at the clock, you realized that you were 20 minutes late already, so you quickly hurried out the door. Luckily the bar the guys chose was within easy walking distance to your apartment.

“Well look you finally decided to show up” you heard Jeff’s voice say as soon as you got in.

“You know me, Jeff, always gotta be a little fashionably late” you teased back.

“Yeah cut them some slack Jeff, it’s a miracle they didn’t bail on us again” you saw Chris Pontius begin to approach you, “You look smoking hot by the way” the man said as he gave you a quick hug, admiring your figure.

“Thanks, Chris” you giggled and gave him a peck on the cheek.

“Let’s get you some drinks, yeah?” The party boy escorted you to the bar, where you were greeted by Steveo.

“Yeahhh you finally came !” the shaved head man cheered.

“I figured I’d grace you all with my presence for just another night” you laughed.

“and we are very grateful you did” Pontius added.

“So what can I get the pretty lady to drink?” you swiveled your head around to see the one and only Johnny Knoxville wearing his signature Chuck Taylor’s and aviator sunglasses. You felt your stomach already doing flips at the sight of him.

“Vodka Cranberry” you managed to cough out, trying to regain your composure.

“Coming right up” the man winked at you, and you swore you could of fainted right there.

As Johnny left to go fix your drink, you stayed behind and chatted with the rest of the guys. You could tell they were already pretty wasted. The music was too loud and the lights were flashing, making your head throb. This was going to be a long night.

“Here’s your drink, sweetheart” Johnny stood behind you, handing the drink over your shoulder. You could practically feel his warm breath on your neck, as you accepted the drink. “You look great, by the way” he murmured into your ear.

You tried to fight the blush you felt rushing to your cheeks, “Thanks, Knoxville, you clean up pretty well yourself”, to which he let out a hearty laugh.

As the night raged on you felt yourself getting more and more exhausted, all you wanted to do was curl up in your bed and sleep for the next 15 hours. You were about to get up and say your goodbyes, until you felt someone take a seat on the barstool next to you.

“You look like a sad puppy sitting here all by yourself” Johnny pointed out.

“Yeah, I guess I’m not really in the partying mood tonight” you let out a dry chuckle, “I think I’m just gonna head out” you began to stand up, grabbing your bag.

“Wait, hey, let me walk you home at least”

“Oh, no I’m fine, really, it’s only a couple blocks away”

“C’mon Y/N it’s 1 am, I’m not letting you walk home alone” Johnny scoffed.

“You really don’t ha-“

“This isn’t up for debate, now let’s go” he put his hand on the small of your back and began to usher you out.

As you and Johnny said your goodbyes to the rest of the crew, you couldn’t help but notice the speculative glances and giggles of the guys, as they saw the two of you leave together. What the hell has gotten into them?

Walking home with Johnny was peaceful, neither of you talked much, but you didn’t mind. That was one of the things you liked about Johnny so much, you never felt awkward or out of place around him.

“God, it’s fucking freezing” you shivered, wrapping your arms around yourself.

“Here take this” Johnny began to take off his leather jacket.

“No, no I’m fine!” you tried to insist.

“Too late now” he chuckled, as he had already carefully draped his jacket over your shoulders.

“Well now you are going to be freezing”, now that he didn’t have his jacket on you could see his perfectly toned arms and stomach, accentuated by the tight T-shirt he was wearing.

“Nah, don’t worry about me, I’m warm blooded” he winked.

You couldn’t help but feel a twinge of sadness as you reached your apartment, knowing that your intimate time with your long-time crush was now over.

“Do you wanna maybe come in and have a drink?” you mentally facepalmed at the suggestive connotation your invitation had, hoping he didn’t pick up on it.

“Yeah, sure that sounds nice,” he smiled. You immediately regretted your invitation as soon as you opened your door. You completely forgot that your apartment was a complete mess because you’ve been so busy with filming, however he didn’t seem to notice.

“So, what can I get you, I’m going to be honest I don’t have that many options” you let out an awkward laugh.

“Water is just fine” he smiled up at you.

“Good cause that is just about the only thing I have right now”

After grabbing some bottles from the fridge, you took a seat next to Johnny. “God I’m exhausted” you groaned, while throwing your head back on the couch.

“Tell me about it,” he chuckled “you were great though today, I mean we got some really killer footage”

“And I only came out of it minorly concussed” you pointed out, which caused Johnny to chuckle. “I have to say I’m not looking forward to tomorrow, though” you groaned, talking about the insane stunt that Jeff somehow convinced you to do.

“You know you don’t have to do it, I could tell Jeff to find someone else” Johnny reminded.

“Why do you always do that?”

“Do what?”

“Whenever I’m about to do a stunt it’s like you always try to get me to back out, you never do that to the rest of the guys”

“Well maybe I don’t see you like the rest of the guys”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” you raised up an eyebrow, challenging him to go further.

“It means” Johnny paused, was he really about to do this right now? It’s now or never he thought. “It means that you’re special to me, okay? You’re special to me and I really really like you, hell I’m in love with you, alright?” he rambled.

You were in utter shock to say the least. You stared at him for a while, trying to comprehend what exactly you just heard.

“You know, it would be pretty nice if you would say something,” the man laughed awkwardly. However, still afraid of what would come out of your mouth if you dared to speak, you slowly began to lean forward.

You found your hand carefully cupping his cheek, as you leaned even further. Softly your lips grazed his own. It was slow and soft at first, the both of you still hesitant. Eventually, the kiss became more heated and intense, years of pent up tension finally overflowing.

You could feel Johnny’s rough hands grabbing your waist like a lifeline, as yours traveled further up into his hair, which elicited a groan from the man .

“God you are so fucking beautiful” he sighed as his lips moved further down your neck, leaving little hickeys as he went.

“Wait, Johnny” you started to pull away from his right grasp to get a good view of his face.

“What, is everything okay?”

“No, everything’s perfect, I just wanted to tell you I’m mad about you too”.

[pandoraslove]

Rumor Had It 

Finn Shelby x Reader (Part 3)

summary: Y/n has a rough family history, not knowing whether to contact her brother after he sends her a letter... Finn helps her out and So does the rest of the Shelby family, Little did she know her brother tied her back to them as well. 

She was exhausted. The walk back home felt like it took an eternity. She always forgot to lock the door so it was almost always open. Finn and y/n both walked in the house and they both sat on the couch. 

“you really don’t have to stay...” Y/n says. 

“what if I want to?” He says. 

“Then you are sleeping on the couch.” She says yawning and walking into to the kitchen. she grabbed a glass of water and drank all of it. She walked back out and saw Finn simply laying down on the couch. “I was joking come on.” He follows her to her room and then both lay down. after a while neither of them fell asleep so y/n turned over to face him. 

“Why’d you help me today?” she asks softly. 

“you’re too pretty to die falling in that river.” Finn says turning to look at her as he said it. 

“Ha ha. funny.” she whispers.

“why were you there?” 

“I used to go there to calm down when I was younger, it was a little prettier back then.” she tells him. 

“and you needed to calm down today?” 

“I guess.” she sighs, “I think I’m leaving Birmingham.” 

“Why?” he asks getting up slightly putting his head on hand. 

“I have nothing keeping me here, I might as well leave.” 

“To somewhere you don't know anybody?” Finn asks, she stays quiet. “Is staying here really that bad?” 

“It’s difficult to explain, Finn. I feel like no one needs me here. like I’m better off leaving.”

“Are you an only child?” 

“No, I have an older brother but I don't think he’d care about me.” 

“Why not.” 

“The last time I say him I was 6. He walk right past me and wouldn’t recognize me.”

“hmm. and you’re mad at hime because of that?” 

“I’m mad because he’s had 5 years to contact me. but instead he spent them away from me because my mother told him to, I’ve known for the last 4 years. An entire year after his return.” 

“He’s your brother maybe let him explain himself then judge him after that.” she hummed closing her eyes and letting herself fall asleep. she never had trouble sleeping, she loved sleeping. it was an escape for her.

…………………….…………………….…………………….

the next morning Finn woke up before y/n and decided to grab some biscuits and tea from a bakery not far from her apartment. when he came back he set everything down and went to wake her up. He walked in and she was simply laying there watching the ceiling.

“Good morning,” He said, leaning against the door frame. 

“Morning.” she replied. “Where’d you go?” 

“To get some breakfast it’s on the table, come on.” Y/n was wearing a short night gown she had changed into in the middle of the night. She followed Finn and they both sat on the small table. 

“I think I’m going to talk to him...” Y/n said quietly. She took a small bite out of her muffin, as Finn looked at her.

“Who?” He asks. 

“Freddie- My brother.” she had stayed up most of the night contemplating whether or not to do it. He’s the only family she has left and she never much liked being lonely.

…………………….…………………….…………………….

It’s been 4 days, 4 days since she sent a letter back stating that if he truly wanted to talk then they should meet today at the river their father used to take them to. She’s been feeling a little less alone the last week, she's been spending time with Finn and Isiah, Polly talked to her the day after then incident and Y/n opened up. Polly comforted the way she wished her own mother had done. That night she stayed for dinner next to Finn and Isiah and saw how the Shelby family truly acted in the walls of their own home. Ada was the only one missing, but she didn’t ask where she’s gone to, since it wasn't any of her business. 

Y/n sat with her feet barely of the water, almost touching it. 

“Y/n?” She heard him say behind her. She stood up and faced him. He hasn’t changed very much. 

“Hi, Freddie.” she says, swallowing the knot in her throat, She didn’t know what to do or say. 

“you’re so... grown up now.” he says smiling slightly. 

“That’s what usually happens after not seeing someone for 10 years.” She didn’t bother masking her hurt and pain in her voice. 

“I’m sorry...” Freddie says, “At first it was just because I didn’t want to put you in any danger and then life just got a hell of a lot more complicated. And then mom... she said it wasn’t worth contacting you, that you’d made your choice to leave the family.” 

“...you were my best friend...” she mumbles. 

“I fucked up. I’m sorry.” He says putting his hands on her shoulders. 

“I’ll only forgive you on one condition...”

“what?” he asks. 

“Don’t leave me again. please.” She says into his chest hugging him. His arms wrap around her small frame. 

“I, Freddie Thorne, Promise to never abandon you again.” She giggle slightly at his elegant way of saying his promise, but hugged him tighter none the less. 

“I have someone I want you to meet.” He says. 

“Who?” 

“My wife and son.” Freddie led y/n through Watery Lane with his arm around her shoulder. She should of known who his wife was by the time they walked through Polly’s front door. 

“Ada meet Y/n, my sister.” He said right when they walked into view of everyone there. And of course to her luck everyone was there, even Thomas, Micheal, and Isiah. she stood there frozen, Freddie noticed her tense state.

“I’m guessing you know what family she belongs to?” He asks with a small reassuring smile. 

“that, and I already know all of them...” she says sheepishly. 

“How?” He says.

“Thats a long story not one for today or ever for that matter...” she smiles up at him. “now you said you have a son?” 

“Karl.” Freddie says and a little boy ran up to him. He had blue eyes but his face was just like Freddie’s also meaning he looked exactly like their father. 

“He looks like him.” She says quietly. 

“You never said Freddie Thorne was you brother.” Polly says. 

“I didn’t think he was your in law. I honestly would have stayed away if I’d known.” They laugh. 

“Well I guess now you’re officially a part of this family since you are Ada’s sister in law.” Tommy says. 

“Doesn’t Ada have to decide whether she likes me or not? She could hate me for all I know, I would not stay somewhere I am hated.” 

“Don’t worry, I like you, You’re a part of this family now.” 

“fun.” she says sitting down next to Finn and Isiah. 

“Welcome to family, Y/n.” Finn says. 

“Why, Thank you, Finnegan.” She says, making Finn roll his eyes. Her and Isiah laughed. 

“So, where have you been staying since...” Freddie asks sitting next to Ada with Karl on his lap. 

“I got a small place near The Garrison.” 

“Mom said you live with a boy.” He said, scowling a little. 

“I did, but I dumped him and moved out, He bother me for a while but I threatened to cut his dick off if he didn’t leave me alone.” 

“He didn’t call your bluff?” He says in a bit of a jokingly manner. 

“who said anything about it being a bluff?”

“I doubt you have the balls to do it.” He says challenging her. 

“I wouldn’t mind cutting yours off, I’m more than okay only having Karl as a nephew.” She says staring at him directly in the eyes with a small sinister smile. 

“Do you not want anymore nephews or nieces?” Freddie asks changing the subject. She laughs a little.

“I think Ada is more than capable of finding another... sperm donor.” She says leaning back, ada laughed along with polly.

“So unladylike.” Freddie says shaking his head jokingly.

“you’re right I’m not a lady, I am a woman. Why would I ever want to be lady like, it sounds so... imprisoning.” she says with a funny face of disgust. For some reason Karl laughed making her laugh as well. She was leaning her head against Finns shoulder. 

“God, I wish I would’ve written sooner.” He says. 

“Don’t dwell on the past, it’s not worth it, we’re here now aren’t we?” She says sighing slightly. 

“right.” Freddie says. 

“I’ve heard that there’s this job opening at a dress shop nearby, I applied earlier today.” y/n tell Finn, but of course everyone was listening. 

“What position is it?” Arthur asks. 

“I’d be sewing and fixing clothes in the back or Designing dresses, skirts, trousers, stuff like that.” 

“You’ve always been good with a needle and thread.” Fred says. She nods. 

“Because of that simple skill, I've been able to make clothes last longer.” 

“So, you’ll definitely get the job.” Thomas says. 

“IF all goes well then yes, but if not I think I’ll leave Birmingham for a while.” 

“Leave Birmingham?” Polly asks. 

“Maybe... I’m not sure, I’ll always come back but London sounds amazing.” 

“You’re staying here.” Freddie and Finn says at the same time.

“You can’t force me to stay.” she sighs. 

“I’m your older brother, you’re staying.” he says giving me the hard eye which she hold. 

“shush Freddie, you’re weaker than a mouse against a snake, I’ll have you on the ground in seconds.” she says.

“Cocky much.” 

“I guess it’s because I’ve got a much bigger one.” everyone laughs at my comeback. 

“You and your weird words.” Freddie sighs, “I’m sending you to a convent.” 

“Over my hot dead body, you weirdo.” she shrieks loudly, Tommy and Arthur smirk, John laughs, and Polly and Ada watch us bicker in amusement.

“I’m joking, but you’re coming to live with me and Ada.” 

“I like my home here thank you very much.” 

“you’re alone here.” 

“No, I’m not, I’ll be fine, I’ve managed so far.” she say. 

“And school?” 

“I finished early.” 

“how?” 

“I got all my work sorted out before leaving, my diploma is under my bed.” 

“you didn’t tell us that.” Polly says. She has become a little bit of a maternal figure. 

“It’s not that big of a deal.” 

“You graduated early... It’s a bit of a big deal. especially in this family.” Tommy says. y/n smiles at them. Freddie watched her interact with everyone, It felt nice being surrounded by them all.

[wishesunderthestars]

Eunoia // Ch. 14

eunoia (noun): beautiful thinking, the possession of a well-balanced mind, which exhibits goodwill and kindness

Pairings: Hybrid! BTS x reader

Summary: You are a world famous director and you have dedicated your life to your job.You have everything you could ever dream of; wealth, recognition, talent, your friends and family. But loneliness ins’t cured by success. So what happens when you somehow rescue seven hybrids? Can they fill the void?

Genre: Angst, fluff, hurt/comfort, eventual smut

Word Count: 15k+

Warnings: Abuse and violence, past sexual abuse, derogetory language, sexual harassment

Masterlist

Chapter 1, Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8 Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13

It has been a long time, I know. Thanks for being patient with me. This was supposed to be the last chapter of Yoongi and Hoseok’s part but I just couldn’t fit everything that needed to happen inside or it would turn into a 30k chapter and be even more late, so I divided it into two.

The taglist is now closed.

Four days felt like a much smaller amount of time than when you had first been informed of your break.  When you heard the alarm the morning you had to go back to work, you were tempted to ignore it and cover your head with the sheets. This was strange for two reasons. You always woke up before your alarm and it was impossible for you to fall asleep again after waking up, even when you were exhausted. But your eyes were heavy and sleep was clinging to your bones.

You reached for your phone and turned off the alarm. The hybrids were waiting for you in the kitchen, breakfast already served. You thanked Seokjin, who looked the most awake. Jimin and Jungkook were leaning against each other with their eyes half closed, small yawns escaping them every few minutes. It was a little earlier than the time you usually left but you had to do some work in the company building before you could go to the studios. Hoseok's injuries were much better, you didn't need to check on them twice a day anymore so you avoided going to their room and waking them up.

The fox hybrid had been opening up more and he looked more at ease with his surroundings. After eating dinner with you on the first night of your break, he had timidly asked if they could join you again. His whole face lit up when you told him they would always be welcome. Dinners had turned into lunches too, claiming that way you didn't have to carry the trays to their room every day.

You weren't surprised at how well he got along with Jimin. His heart-shaped smile had even charmed Namjoon. He was fascinated with every little thing and you made use of your break to show him around the house. It could be a little overwhelming, so you stuck to the basics at first. The kitchen, the upstairs living room, the library (where at least one of you could be found most times) and the cinema room. He looked at everything in wonder, his red tail wagging behind him. Yoongi trailed after you, the bored expression on his face slipping at how happy and excited Hoseok was.

The second day of your break Jimin announced that you would all be watching a movie. He would accept no complaints, not that there were any. You made enough popcorn for a whole movie theater while Seokjin and Jungkook made pizza. You strictly forbade them from putting on one of your movies. You were so deeply involved and connected with them you had trouble watching them without overthinking every scene, line and camera angle. Jimin pouted, joined by Jungkook and a more subtle Hoseok. But you didn’t budge. Jimin huffed and selected a comedy with an actor Seokjin liked.

It was the third day of your break and Jimin had dragged you with him to the guest suite, saying he needed his daily cuddles. You were laying together in his bed as you played with his blond strands. His hair was growing longer and he was complaining that it was falling in his eyes but you loved running your hands through it, your fingers getting lost inside. Jimin snuggled into your side, his tail wrapped around your waist.

“You are very affectionate today,” you said. Jimin let out an unsatisfied noise when you stopped massaging his scalp, so you moved your hand upwards, scratching behind his cat ears, eliciting a small moan from him.

“I am always affectionate,” he said, nuzzling against your collarbones. “You’re just not here and you’re tired when you come back.”

You placed a kiss on the crown of his head. “Sorry.” It was your job. You shouldn’t feel guilty. And yet…

Jimin raised his head, your hand falling from his hair to rest on his cheek. “Don’t be. I just wish you were here more. With us. But your job is important.”

“I guess,” you said caressing his cheek, the cat hybrid leaning into your touch. “I’ll try to get some more time off when I go back to work.” It would be difficult but not impossible. There were often breaks for a couple of days in the filming schedule but you usually spent those revising scripts or reviewing the work of the various departments or attending meetings. Many of those things weren’t actually your responsibilities, they weren’t in your contract, you did them because you wanted everything to be perfect. You could take a step back for once and make up for it later.

Jimin leaned against you, purring happily at the prospect of spending more time with you. He had been clinging to you in the past days after your week-long absence. The first night after making up with Jungkook he had slept with him in their room and you’d thought he would sleep there from now on. But the next night you had come out of the shower to find him laying in your bed.

A talk show was playing on the TV, filling the comfortable silence of the room. Jimin whispering your name had you looking away from the screen. “Hoseok is doing better, right?”

“He is. He’s recovering fast. Why are you asking?” you asked, worried that he had noticed something you hadn’t. Hybrids had much more developed senses than humans that could have detected something you had missed.

“He’s nice,” he said, playing with the fake buttons of your shirt. “He looks so happy all the time and he’s so energetic.”

“He is. See? He’s really getting better.” That didn’t seem to satisfy Jimin.

“What if they want to leave now that he’s better?”

You cooed at him, pulling him closer. “Is that what’s brought this on? If they want to leave we can’t stop them. The door is always open if they don’t want to be here anymore. They only came here because Hoseok was injured and he couldn’t go to the hospital.”

“But can they stay?” His eyes were shining as he looked up at you. “Please.”

“They can stay for as long as they want. But I can’t force them to stay.”

Jimin didn’t say anything more, hiding into your side. Last night at dinner, Jimin had been quiet and withdrawn, glancing at Yoongi every few minutes. There was history between them, one that ran deep and cut just as hard. From little clues and pieces and what Jimin himself had told you, you had pieced together an image of Jimin’s past but you had trouble finding where exactly Yoongi fit.

You hadn’t forgotten Jimin’s words in your office the day you had invited the two hybrids in your house. Yoongi once belonged to the same man Jimin did. They had done something to him and Jimin had been left to the adoption center he had escaped from. Yoongi had been left somewhere else, you guessed a less savory place. But you couldn’t figure out what they could have done to be kicked out. Something Jimin still felt guilty about. Betrayal was a strong and sticky word and it was hard to associate it with sweet Jimin, even when that man deserved that and more.

Yoongi was a mystery surrounded by several brick walls. Only a wrecking ball could break them down. You were the kind of person to knock on a wall and wait for it to crumble by itself when it came to people. At work, if the only way to get through an obstacle was a wrecking ball, you would bring a wrecking ball.

Surprises weren’t uncommon for you (see: Virginia earthquake), you had learnt to face them head on and control the consequences. But that hadn’t prepared you for the string of surprises during your break and the days after that.

The first surprise came with how well Hoseok was getting along with the other hybrids. His endearing excitement about anything and everything didn’t fail to amuse them. He would curl up on the grass, bathing in sunlight, often joined by Jimin who had developed the same habit when spring first arrived. He was curious about everything, asking question after question with his red fluffy tail wagging behind him like an overexcited puppy. All of you couldn’t help but humor him and try to answer his questions to the best of your abilities.

The second surprise shocked you more than the first. It was the third night the two hybrids were eating dinner with you in the backyard. Yoongi usually didn’t talk, opting to focus on his food while observing the progression of the meal. Thus when he spoke, everyone fell silent. He didn’t say much, it only took him a couple of seconds to compliment Jin’s cooking then become quiet again. Jin stuttered through his thanks, flustered at the unexpected compliment. The panther hybrid didn’t talk again for the rest of the meal.

The third surprise was seeing Yoongi and Jimin sitting next to each other, sometimes in silence and sometimes talking. Being pulled to each other like a moth to the flame. It made Hoseok all too happy to spend time with both of them.

The fourth surprise came in the form of a text from a contact you hadn’t interacted with since Christmas. You laid back on your bed, staring at the paragraphs-long text and forgetting about anything else. You stared and stared as if the letters would rearrange themselves, or better yet disappear if you stared long enough.

You didn’t notice how much time you had spent there unmoving until there was a knock on the door.

“Open,” you called.

The door was pushed open and Namjoon walked into the room, his gray hair falling in his face. In the mornings he looked younger. “Breakfast is ready.”

“Yeah,” you said, not moving. They never had to call you for breakfast. Your schedules had become so in sync you arrived for breakfast the moment it was ready or a few minutes early.

“What happened?” Namjoon asked. He approached, sitting down next to you on the bed.

“Nothing happened, I guess. It’s an invitation.” The text had been sent late last night but you had missed it, leaving your phone to charge upon coming back home and not looking at it again. “It’s from my parents. For a gala.”

“Your parents?” The surprise was evident in his face. You didn’t talk much about your parents, those were conversations you didn’t tend to enjoy. Your parents were a topic you weren’t well-versed in and your lack of confidence was irritating.

You looked at the text again, black letters surrounded by gray. “They invited me to a fashion gala. They would really appreciate it if I could attend.” Reading the text again, you wondered if your mother had asked someone else to write it before deeming it persuasive enough to send. “It’s held in Beverly Hills.”

“When?” Namjoon asked.

“Saturday. In less than a week.” It was Tuesday.

Namjoon glanced at your phone. “Do you want to go?”

The answer was more complicated than you would have liked. You didn’t feel like buying a new gown (god forbid if you wore a dress you had worn before at such an event), having your makeup and hair done and plastering a smile on your face while exchanging pleasantries with people you didn’t know for the whole night. But it wasn’t that easy. You hadn’t attended the Christmas event your mother had organized, using work as an excuse, not feeling like showing up at an event in the mindset you had fallen into. Although she didn’t show it, your mother had been offended.

You couldn’t skip another event.

You threw an arm over your eyes, groaning. “I can’t not go. My mother organized the gala, it will look bad if I’m not there.”

“I could come with you,” Namjoon offered.

It would be nice having someone there with you. Namjoon had a way of calming you down and settling your worries but actually remembering those galas made you change your mind. The rich and mighty loved showing off their wealth and power and hybrids were part of that allure. You wouldn’t subject Namjoon to that. You weren’t sure how he would react. You didn’t want to subject him to your parents’ scrutiny either.

“It would be better if I went alone,” you said. Namjoon threaded his fingers with yours in understanding. He pulled on your hand until you were sitting up on the bed, facing him.

“If you don’t want to go, you shouldn’t.”

Only that it wasn’t so simple. Or it was just your human nature making this overcomplicated.

“My mother will be really disappointed if I don’t go. I didn’t go to her last event, either. It will look bad if I don’t go to this one too.” Namjoon squeezed your hand, urging you to continue. “I’m just tired of them. Galas, events, they are all the same and not in a good way. Sure, there are some people worth talking too. I’ve had some great conversations there, but those are far and few in between. Most people are just trying to outshine the one next to them. And my mother only wants me there to complete the picture.”

The powerful and influential couple with their successful daughter. It was an image that haunted you. Most times you tried to ignore it because it wasn’t fair of you to judge your parents like that. They never made you attend those events, they didn’t get angry when you couldn’t make it. But it left a sour taste in your mouth when those events were the only times you saw them anymore.

“You don’t have to be alone there.” Namjoon brought your hand to his lips, placing a soft kiss in the middle of your palm. “I’m always here if you change your mind. It would feel better if you weren’t alone.”

“It isn’t that I don’t want you there. I do,” you said. “But that isn’t a world you want to be a part of, it isn’t really my world either. There, hybrids are just expensive accessories and I don’t want people to look at you like that. Like you are something to be had.”

Namjoon’s eyes were soft on you as he cupped your cheek with the hand that wasn’t holding yours. “That’s how most people look at us. It isn’t something new. You don’t have to worry about me, I’m used to it.”

“But it isn’t right.” You sounded like a five-year-old complaining that the world wasn’t fair because her parents didn’t buy her ice cream but you couldn’t help it. “And it isn’t just the other people, the guests. I’m not sure about my parents either. They don’t know I’ve adopted you. Actually, they don’t know about anything that has happened in my life this year.”

“I understand if you don’t want them to know about us.”

“It isn’t that,” you said. “Not exactly. I don’t want them involved in my business and judging my choices. They- They are my parents and I guess they care about me in their own way but I won’t be able to stay calm if they look at you like they are estimating your price tag.”

Namjoon leaned closer, bringing your foreheads together. You closed your eyes, surrounded by his warmth. “All I care about is for you to feel comfortable and if my presence there will make things worse then I won’t come with you. But if you change your mind, I’ll be right here. Whatever you want, I’m here.”

You tilted your head, waiting for his lips to touch yours. You shared a sweet kiss before there was another knock at the door.

“Namjoon! Did you wake her up?” Seokjin shouted from the other side of the door. “The breakfast is getting cold! I woke up at the crack of dawn to make it!”

You giggled as you separated.

“Let’s go before he decides we don’t deserve food,” Namjoon said.

♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩

 You had to readjust your schedule for the gala. There were many things you had to do in the five days leading up to it. Your mother was so pleased you accepted the invitation she called you the very next day to tell you how happy she was you would be attending. She hadn’t organized a fashion gala in years and it meant a lot that you would be there to support her. The gala was all about the importance of fashion and the unique interpretations of old and new big names in the industry. It would be one of the grandest events of the year, even if your mother was as clueless about fashion as she was about your life. She enjoyed watching the glorious parts and giving compliments, but rarely got more involved than that.

She had arranged for you to meet with one of the designers featured at the event. You could choose a dress from his collection that would be showcased at the gala. Your mother reassured you that they would do everything so your dress would be fitted to your exact measurements and ready for you to wear on time. You didn’t complain. It would be otherwise impossible to find a dress of the caliber your mother expected in such a short time.

The designer came to your house himself with his assistants. He was a nice young man with a tilted accent revealing that he wasn’t originally from the United States. You made small talk about the different kinds of art characterizing your jobs. They took your measurements and presented you with a few options the designer had selected for you. Some were more eccentric than others but all of them were beautiful.

After discussing with him and listening to his opinions, you selected a piece with gold and red embroidery and a flowy skirt. He was very pleased with your choice, going on and on about how good it would look on you. You felt fluttered at how excited he was for you to wear his design.

You had to meet him again a few days later for the first fitting. He offered to come to your house again but it would be easier for the alterations to be at his studio, where all of his tools were.

Jimin had seen the opportunity to spend more time with you and put on his most convincing puppy eyes asking you to take him with you to the fashion studio. You had no reason to refuse, you wanted to spend more time with him too. Somehow Jimin roped Seokjin into coming with you as well. They waited for you outside until the alterations were done. You couldn’t resist spoiling them while you were out so you took them for waffles. From Seokjin’s stuffed face it was safe to say he enjoyed them.

You had to go back to work after the fitting but Jimin was clinging to you not letting you go, which was how you ended up with the two of them at the final table-reading for the first episode of the Raven Cycle. They both quietly watched the actors delivering their lines. Jimin leaned forward in his seat as he got more and more invested in the scenes, snapping out of it whenever one scene ended and you discussed corrections and suggestions.

The atmosphere was light and friendly. You were professionals and you believed in maintaining a healthy environment of communication and mutual respect that left space for jokes and friendships to develop. The chemistry between the actors was important and you found that when they were friends and had a bond in real life too, it showed.

“Okay, that was great. I liked Ronan’s extra lines, we should keep that in.” The writer next to you wrote it down. “It’s getting late so let’s take a small break for a few minutes and move on to scene fifteen and sixteen and we’re completely done with episode one.” Everyone agreed with you and soon chatter was filling the room. You stretched your arms behind you, your body was complaining after sitting for too many hours.

The snacks and refreshments on the table against the wall were dwindling as the table-reading went on. All the important people in the project were there; the executive producers, the writers, the heads of the various departments and of course all the main actors of the first episode. The room with the large table and the many couches and chairs was large enough for everyone.

Three more days of table reading, which was mainly for revisions, and you would be done, leaving around a week before filming was scheduled to start. Just on time. Despite unfortunate surprises and earthquakes, you were on time. Next week you would be back in the studios standing behind the cameras watching years of work and planning coming to life. The first moments of filming in every movie or TV show whispered to you in silver and gold lines that you couldn’t describe as anything else than magic.

You picked up a bottle of water and a sandwich from the snack table, getting caught up in a short conversation with one of the producers. Your scalp was beginning to hurt from the tight ponytail your hair was trapped in. With a pat on your shoulder, the producer left to find the head of the costume department.

Jimin and Jin were sitting on the smallest couch, away from the table in the middle of the room. Jimin’s ears twitched as you settled on the armrest. You handed him the sandwich.

“For me?”

“You have been looking at it as much as you have been looking at the actors.”

Jimin still didn’t take a bite. “I already ate two.”

“And now you will eat one more.” You nudged the sandwich closer to his face. “They are quite small. I think Will has eaten seven since we started.” You glanced at your assistant, he was talking with two of the actors.

Jimin smiled at you like you were sharing a secret before diving into his sandwich. You opened your water bottle and gulped down half of it in seconds.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go? It’s past eight and it will take at least one more hour to finish the last two scenes and wrap everything up.” You had asked them if they wanted to leave three times since you’d arrived and the answer had been the same each time.

“It’s eight?” Jin asked, pulling out his phone from his pocket. You leaned over Jimin to peek at the screen seeing a few texts from Namjoon and Jungkook and notifications from the various apps Jin used. You had texted Namjoon earlier so he wouldn’t worry that Jin and Jimin hadn’t returned home.

“And it will be at least nine by the time I’m done,” you said.

“We’ve been here for three hours. We can wait for you one more.” Jin opened the messages app reading the texts, a smile appearing on his face.

Jimin had eaten more than half of the sandwich, crumbs sticking at the sides of his mouth. “I want to see what happens at the end. Pretty please?”

“We will wait for you,” Jin said. “We don’t have anything better to do,” he added, to which Jimin agreed enthusiastically. You scratched the cat hybrid's ears while he devoured the rest of the sandwich.

What you hadn’t considered before taking them with you was that the table reading would give away many spoilers for the show. Spoilers were the bane of your existence. Not everyone minded them but you disliked them with passion. You had almost strangled Zayn when he had told you a spoiler he had seen on Twitter for the ending of Avengers: Infinity War,  minutes before the movie started. Zayn had been very lucky the lights hadn’t gone out yet. The suspense was one of your favorite parts and that was ruined for you when you knew what would happen.

At least it was the first episode but there was a lot of discussion on how certain parts or pieces of dialogue would connect with later episodes. The fact that it was an adaptation also changed things. You had been adamant about staying true to the original story and keeping in as many scenes from the book as you could. Your additions revolved around character development, the relationships between the characters, and some conflicts that hadn’t been in the book but you had discussed in length with Maggie. In this case, you didn’t know exactly how to define spoilers.

As expected, you finished the table reading twenty minutes past nine. Gathering all your folders from the table, the scripts, and various notes from the writers and producers, you hid them all away in your backpack. Henrietta and the magical forest were coming to life from their voices alone. You could already imagine how captivating it would be on screen.

Jimin was laying his head on Jin’s shoulder with his arm wrapped around the older’s waist. It had taken some time for them to relax in the room full of strangers, some of who hadn’t been subtle about staring. One look from you and their gazes had darted away. It still wasn’t common to have a hybrid, much less three, but you didn’t care how curious they were if they were making Jimin and Jin uncomfortable.

During the first break, early at the table reading, you had been roped into a debate about a possible change in one of the scenes. The two hybrids had kept to themselves, staying quiet and watching. The actress playing Blue had walked up to them with a wide smile and introduced herself. The remaining tension in them was released when she struck up a conversation with them.

“Time to get going,” you said. Jimin looked up at you, blinking drowsily. “Should I tell John to carry you to the car?”

“We’re leaving?” he asked, rubbing at his eyes.

“Thankfully yes so you need to get up.” You had wrapped everything up, saying goodbye to everyone and you were ready to go.

Jin kissed Jimin’s blond curls. “Let’s go and get you into an actual bed.” He got up and pulled Jimin with him, the younger hybrid was clinging to his back like a koala from the hallway where you met up with John to the parking lot.

In the car, you looked at them through the rear-view mirror. Jimin’s eyes were closed, laying his head on Jin’s shoulder.

“Hard day?” John asked, moving the gear shift to the left and then up.

“I’m a little afraid that my scenario might be a little boring,” you said glancing behind you. “It’s too early for him to be falling asleep.”

The car started moving, leaving the dimly lit parking lot behind. “He’s not used to being out for that long,” Jin said smoothing down Jimin’s hair with care. Jin cared for you with everything he had, you tried to do the same but it was close to impossible with how busy you were.

“If it’s my scenario though, I need to rewrite that thing from beginning to end.”

John chuckled. “Good luck telling that to the writers and the producers. They’ll love it.”

They’d love it as much as cats loved swimming.

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 You took the day of the gala off. If you went to the gala tired after work, you wouldn’t be able to put a smile on your face and keep it there. It wasn’t so much that the galas were awful but that you felt out of place in them. Your mother had many connections and she would invite the “best” of her world. Some faces had become familiar, a steady fixture in your mother’s guest lists. Some faces you should be able to recognize but you didn’t, resulting in interactions based on pretending.

At the after-parties of award shows and premieres, you were more at ease. The designer dresses and suits were the same, worn by rich and influential people, but it was people you knew and respected. Your skin wasn’t prickling at the tension, lost somewhere between remembering a name or a company and ignoring the jabs at other guests or the rumors spreading like vines.

The last event you had attended was in New York last September, it had been the event of the year according to your mother. Jacob had accompanied you, hugging your mother and shaking hands with your father. He had stayed next to you from the moment you stepped into the place to the moment you got into the car to leave. You had to somewhat agree with your mother. A lot of interesting people were in attendance, famous writers and journalists, and you succeeded in ignoring the less favorable situations.

Your parents had changed a lot, or maybe it was just the circumstances that had changed and the different perspective you had as an adult. You used to cast them as the absentee parents, an overused trope you didn't find much merit in. It was too simple, too straightforward. They didn't disappear from one day to the next, cutting all contact with you. It was more like the times they were there grew fewer and fewer until they had moved permanently to New York by the time you were eight. Your father had been offered a position he couldn't refuse and your mother loved him too much to leave him alone there. She tried, she tried to stay for you but she had been trying to find a reason to leave your hometown since she was a teenager. The penthouses and neat offices fit her far better than the beaches and town squares ever did.

It started as a few weeks at first. Your father would be staying in the city for some meetings and your mother wanted to join him. His job involved a lot of traveling and in most of your memories, he was holding a suitcase. A few weeks turned into a month the next time, then into a few months you had to stay with your aunt and your cousins. After you turned eight, they were coming back only for a few weeks every year.

When you were ten you stopped answering their calls and refused to talk to them. Your mother still tried, even traveled back to be with you. Instead of staying at your house with her, you stayed with your aunt. Your mother left defeated. It took a year for you to speak to them again. Childish, but you couldn't blame your past self. The cracks in your relationship with your parents were still there. As an attempt to prevent them from widening and growing, you at least tried to attend the events your mother invited you to.

Another one to add to the list.

"Does the duck look ready to you?" you asked Jin. Roasted duck wasn't a dish you had experience with but that wasn't the only reason you called for Jin. Being home for the day you had offered to help Jin cook lunch. Cooking helped take your mind off, focusing on the recipe and chatting with Jin.

Jin left the lettuce he was washing in the bowl and dried his hands in a towel. His steps were careful and measured, one of his hands holding on the counter.

"It looks good," he said. "You can take it out."

You opened the oven, pulling back last minute so the heat wouldn't burn your face. "It smells incredible! I think I got ten times hungrier just smelling this."

Jin chuckled but it was strained. "I'm too good at this." He was still holding onto the counter.

"You won't catch me complaining."

He went back to the lettuce in the sink, his bangs falling into his face and covering his eyes. You wrapped the chicken breasts in foil and let them rest for a few minutes. The figs were caramelized and the potatoes fried until golden. That was about it for the main dish.

Jin was cutting the lettuce so you occupied yourself with making the salad dressing. You worked in silence. It wasn't for the lack of anything to say but a flinch from Jin earlier, while you had been talking, had you lowering your voice and then closing your mouth when you were finished with that sentence. It was only for a moment before he turned away, but it was enough for you to notice. You had asked him if he was alright twice and both times the answer had been the same. After that, it was clear he wouldn't tell you anything else regardless of how many times you asked.

A thud echoed in the room followed, not a second after, by the sound of metal clattering on wood. The spoon you used to mix the ingredients of the salad dressing stilled in your hand. Jin had fallen to his knees on the floor, holding the counted with one hand and his head with the other. The knife laid abandoned on the cutting board next to the lettuce.

For a moment your surroundings blurred from the surprise before coming into crystal clear focus. You rushed to Jin's side, who was trying to pull himself back up to his feet.

"I'm alright. I slipped," he said.

"You slipped? Seriously?" You had one arm around his waist and it stayed there as he leaned back against the counter. "What's wrong?"

"I'm just a little dizzy," Jin muttered. That close to him, only a breath away, you could see how pale he was, the dark circles under his eyes standing out against the white of his skin.

"You haven't been alright since we started cooking. You aren't just a little dizzy, that's not how someone is when they're a little dizzy."

Jin turned his head to the side, avoiding your gaze. "Let it go, please. Only the salad is left. I'll rest after we eat."

"Jin, that's not..." Clueless about how to continue, you pressed your palm to his forehead. In winter your hands were always freezing cold, it didn't matter if the temperature wasn't that low they would turn into popsicles mere seconds after going outside. Only that it wasn’t winter but spring and your hands were as warm as they could be, that’s why it was that much more concerning that his forehead was warmer than it should be under your touch. “You’re burning up. How are you still standing?”

“It isn’t that bad,” Jin said. He wasn’t looking at you.

“It isn’t that bad?” you repeated in disbelief. “Forget about the salad, I’m taking you to your room.”

You were about to turn around when Jin gripped your elbow weakly. “You don’t need to, really, I can finish up here, it isn’t the first time. I can do it.” The sweat that was gathering on his forehead and his tired eyes told a different story.

“You have been cooking while feeling sick?” you asked. Being out of the house almost all day it wouldn’t have been hard to miss and when you came back at night you weren’t that aware of your surroundings, but the other hybrids would have been able to see past Jin’s pretenses.

“Not here,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper.

That’s something you should have expected. You had never met his previous owners but you couldn’t stop yourself from hating them for what they had done to him. Hate was too strong of a word but you didn’t have any other name for the burning in your chest whenever you witnessed how insecure and self-conscious Jin had become of them.

You cupped his cheek in your palm turning his head to face you and you rested your forehead against his, your noses bumping. At the touch his shoulders slumped, his back muscles unraveling under your hand. Jin joked that it was weird that his scent glands weren’t in the same places as other hybrids’ but in strange places like his forehead. You couldn’t agree with him because standing there with your foreheads touching it was just as intimate.

The walk to his room was silent. You opened the door for him and watched him hide under the covers, between the countless pillows and stuffed animals. Before leaving, you placed a kiss on his forehead your lips warming up because of his fever. You wanted to stay there with him and with the way he was holding your hand he wanted the same but the lettuce was waiting for you back in the kitchen and there were five hybrids you had to feed.

Finishing up the meal was a matter of minutes. The dressing for the salad had been made and you only had to finish cutting the lettuce and a few fresh tomatoes before mixing everything in a large bowl. You unwrapped the foil from around the duck breasts and arranged them in plates, adding the figs with the pan juices and the fried potatoes. It looked like something you would order at a five-star restaurant, most of Jin’s cooking did.

The mouth-watering aroma must have drifted downstairs because as you were putting the last touches on the plates two sets of feet were running up the staircase. Jimin looked like he had been lured into the kitchen by some magical force, transfixed on the plates on the counter. He sniffed, making tiny happy noises.

“This smells so good. I’m hungry!” he whined.

Jungkook followed behind, taking a look at the plates and turning to you with pleading eyes. “When are we eating?”

You shook your head at their antics. “I just finished up, you can take them down if you want so stop looking at me like that.”

Jimin pouted, his shoulders raising. “Looking at you like what?”

“Stop that, I know what you’re doing.”

Jimin continued on, batting his eyelashes at you. “What am I doing? Am I not doing good?”

You pinched his cheek, making him giggle. “I thought you were hungry but apparently you aren’t hungry enough if you’re still here instead of taking the food down.” At that Jungkook was quick to take out the large trays and fill them with the plates and bowls.

Jimin went to help before pausing. “Where is Jinnie?”

Jin was always in the kitchen before meals, helping the two youngest carry the trays to the backyard. You didn’t want to worry Jimin, he was very sensitive to how others were feeling. His emotional walls were so thin that your blues and grays bled into his yellow. “He’s in his room resting, he’s feeling a little under the weather today.”

“But…How didn’t we notice anything?” Jimin asked.

You patted his shoulder. “I didn’t either until we were cooking lunch. He just needs to rest and he will be better in no time.” Jimin gazed at the food like it could give him the answers he was looking for, you continued. “The duck is his recipe, he only went to his room after the food was ready.” You didn’t mention how he had collapsed while cutting the lettuce, a knife in his hand and way too many grievous possibilities.

Jungkook picked up the nicest plate, you had made it last and having used the previous six ones as practice it had come out looking the best. “Can I take it to him?” It was well-known that he had a soft spot for Jin, sneaking into his room the nights he was running away chased by guilt. Jin had been the only one he had let in then. But again, they all had a soft spot for each other, it may translate differently into actions but it was the same at the core.

You pulled out a smaller bowl from the cupboard. Let me put some salad in this first.” This was one of the only salads everyone liked, even Jimin who was firmly against eating most greens (Namjoon didn’t like them much either but at least he was trying). You filled a glass with water as well and placed it on the smaller tray Jungkook had prepared. “Don’t wake him up if he’s sleeping, he looked really tired.”

“I’ll be quiet,” Jungkook promised picking up the tray and leaving for Jin’s room.

Jimin went back to arranging the plates on the trays. “He’ll be alright soon, right?”

“Of course he will,” you reassured him. “In no time he will be shouting at Jungkook for eating his ingredients and having fights with any insects that find their way to the garden. Now, let’s take these down because having the food right in front of me and not eating it is killing me.”

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 Jin had a terrible headache, that’s where everything had started. He had woken up and instantly wanted to roll to his other side and fall asleep again covering his head with the blanket. His eyes refused to stay open and everything around him was like he was in a fog. His body wasn’t his own, it was like watching someone else execute each move he commanded, like he had lost parts of his senses. Everything was duller.

Powering through, he got up and made his bed, throwing the blankets over it with less precision than usual and arranging his stuffed animals against the pillows. It was your day off because of the gala and he had to make breakfast for you and the other hybrids.

It was enough that he got a few more hours of sleep as a result of the lack of your morning schedule. He could deal with the world being a little blurry at the edges and his body not cooperating every few minutes.

He made an easy breakfast for the day, which was a little disappointing when you were able to sit and enjoy it for once, but he was physically unable to do anything more. Sitting down would help. After breakfast, he would lay down on the couch and he would be better in no time.

Breakfast came and went and in a few hours, he had to start making lunch. Your offer to help was a godsend with his feet feeling like jelly. He thought he had it under control, that he could get through lunch then go to his room and hide under the covers where no one could see him. Until his legs gave up on him.

The knife slipped out of his hand and he watched its slow descent to the cutting board. In a blink he was on his knees, he blinked again and you were next to him helping him up. Hybrids weren’t supposed to get sick, scientists had engineered their whole being down to the color of their hair and eyes, they could strengthen their immune system as well. His past owners used to say that it was in his head because he was living with humans, that if he got sick the center must have given them a problematic hybrid and that couldn’t be true. He had paid a lot for Jin.

The door opened just enough for you to poke your head in. “Jin?” you whispered, quiet enough to not wake him up if he had been sleeping but loud enough for his hearing to pick up while awake. He lowered the blankets from his face. “Hey, did you finish with your food?”

“Yeah, it’s…” He pointed to the tray on the nightstand, he didn’t have enough strength to take it to the desk. You didn’t comment on the food that was left on the plates.

“Are you feeling any better?” you asked. His head still hurt and the heaviness of his body didn’t subside, but it was much better than when he had been standing so he nodded. “Do you need anything else? I brought some medicine if you want, I read that it’s alright for hybrids to take.” Despite the pain and the weariness of his body, he smiled at you and your research. The way you cared about them was endearing. You pulled out a packet from your back pocket.

“I think I’ll take one.” The constant drumming behind his temples and the back of his head was getting too much. It was so bad it wouldn’t let him sleep.

“I’ll go get some water for you.” You left the packet on the nightstand and picked up the tray with the leftovers.

Jin rolled to his back staring at the ceiling. He didn’t get sick often and he hated how his body was betraying him. You returned with a glass filled with water in one hand and a jug in the other.

“There you go,” you said handing him the glass. You opened the medicine packet and pressed a white tablet out. It was light in his palm, almost as if it wasn’t there. He put it in his mouth and washed it down with water. “You’ll feel better in no time.” You stroked his hair and he had to hold himself back from purring. Being sick he craved affection more than ever before.

“Don’t come too close, you’ll get sick too.”

You didn’t pull back. “Then I’ll have a reason to stay at home. It doesn’t sound so bad.” You tugged at the blanket. “Fancy some company?” Jin scooted to the side, letting you slip in next to him. Something inside him rejoiced at having you in his nest with him. It was ridiculous, having the need to nest was ridiculous, but he couldn’t suppress it. You turned around to face him, your head on a light blue pillow you had picked up from the pile. “Do you mind if I stay here for a bit?”

In the absence of words, he nodded his head. You took a deep breath and closed your eyes. You weren’t wearing makeup today in anticipation of the heavy makeup you would have to wear for the gala. The shadows under your eyes, concealed any other day, were threatening to spill over the rest of your face. The late nights had been many in the past few days, making up for the breaks you were taking. More and more he came to realize that work was your life and you were like a fish escaping water pushing it back.

You didn’t speak, basking in the silent company of each other. Jin let his worries go and, thanks to the medicine, his headache got duller until he couldn’t feel it. He didn’t notice when he fell asleep, waking up to voices.

“…feeling better, the medicine must have kicked in. His temperature has gone back to normal too,” you whispered.

“Okay, that’s good. Our Jinnie is strong,” the other voice said and heat traveled up to the top of Jin’s ears. The voice was unmistakably Namjoon’s and it was so warm Jin wanted to wrap it around himself and never let go. “I think we woke him up.”

“Oh no,” you complained, still whispering. “Jin?”

He opened his eyes, abandoning the comfort of the familiar darkness. You leaning on your forearm peering at him. His heart was beating faster.

“We woke you up, didn’t we?” you asked, looking guilty.

“It’s alright.” He could hear how rough his voice was from sleep. “What time is it?”

“Five,” you said.

He had been sleeping for more than three hours.

Namjoon took a step forward from the door. “I brought you some tea and biscuits,” he said, placing the tray on the now-empty nightstand.

Jin sat up on the bed with his back against the headboard. “Thank you. Can you…?” You picked up the steaming mug and handed it to him, holding it carefully so he wouldn’t burn himself. The plate of biscuits was placed on his lap over the blankets. It was a warm day but the air-conditioning was on in Jin’s room, the weight of the blankets over him promised safety and he didn’t want to be sweating from the heat.

“I’ll be going then,” Namjoon said with a small smile, the two of you exchanging a look.

“Wait.” Namjoon stopped in his tracks. Jin blamed his impulsiveness on the part of him that was controlled by the sugar-glider’s nature. Namjoon shouldn’t be leaving. Namjoon was pack and he should be with him when he wasn’t well, he should be taking care of Jin. One followed the other and it didn’t listen to logic. But he was tired and although the headache was gone, his head was still hazy, so he gave in. “Can you stay?”

The soft smile on Namjoon’s face was enough to wipe away any of his lingering doubts. “Of course I can.” Jin pulled up the blankets inviting him in. Namjoon pulled him closer bringing his forehead to his. The mug shook in Jin’s hold, you covered his hand with yours steading it. Jin realized it wasn’t only his hands shaking as Namjoon scented him tenderly. He felt so weak between the two of you.

 ♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩

  The makeup artist asked you to close your eyes again to finish your eyeliner. Your makeup had to compliment your dress, like you were a model on the runway and your purpose was to sell the design. You had to admit that it looked beautiful so far, the gold eyeshadow and the dramatic eyeliner. She completed the look with a matte red lipstick while the hairstylist was releasing the last loose curl from the curling wand. You looked like someone out of a movie and tonight you would have to own that.

They helped you put on the dress like you were incapable of doing it on your own. In these cases, everything had to be perfect, including the most mundane of things. The jewelry was modest as not to take the attention away from the dress but enhance the look. A golden necklace with a ruby surrounded by tiny diamonds to decorate the skin the plunging neckline left bare, small diamond earrings, and golden bracelets.

Half an hour left before the gala and you were ready. The charm was arriving a little late so you had to wait before leaving. The stylists took their leave but you stayed at the fitting room/styling section of the closet, which was right under the actual master closet.

The dress fit you like a glove, bringing attention to all the right areas and burying any imperfections. It was the kind of Cinderella transformation the protagonists in older movies used to go through before getting the guy, but it happened all the time to you. A spy in an action movie, a confident heroine knowing how to use her looks, a girl going to a party to have fun and get drunk, that’s more along the lines of the characters you liked to imagine yourself as. You were far from being any of those characters but it was fun to daydream sometimes.

One last look in the mirror and you climbed up the spiral staircase to your closet, turning off the lights behind you. The designer you had met had been pleasant and your conversations hadn’t been awkward. If the rest of the guests, or at least the majority, were like him then the night could be fun.

The hybrids were all in the living room, even Hoseok and Yoongi. Yoongi wasn’t sitting far from them, in a separate sphere, but next to Jimin who was pointing at something in a book. They all looked at you when you came in, the back of the dress sweeping the floor behind you.

“How does it look?” you asked, doing a twirl. The response was delayed by a few moments.

Namjoon snapped out of it first, coming closer to you and taking your hand. “You look beautiful.” He leaned in for your neck before his face scrunched up in displeasure.

“What?” you asked.

He sniffed at the air. “You…”

“Oh, oh,” you said in realization. “It’s the perfume, it’s quite strong, isn’t it? It’s a Christmas gift from my mother, she said she really liked it so I thought I would wear it for her.”

Namjoon tamed his expression but the frown didn’t disappear. “It’s a little overwhelming. It overpowers everything else.” The perfume was too much for you too, it wasn’t surprising that it was too much for the keen noses of the hybrids. The perfume you wore day to day in spring was a lot lighter and you didn’t put on a lot. You had never stopped to think about how perfumes would affect the hybrids.

“I’ll be sure to not wear it again then,” you said, giving his hand a squeeze.

“That isn’t what I meant.” Namjoon scratched the back of his neck. “You can wear it if you like it. It’s just a little much.”

“Well,” you looked at him and the other hybrids conspiratorially, “it isn’t my favorite, either, and if it affects you like that why would I keep wearing it?” Namjoon’s face smoothed out and you noticed Hoseok looking at you with amazement.

You opened the leather clutch and put in your phone and your keys. Your lipstick and powder were already inside along with a pack of tissues. It didn’t fit any more things.

“I’ll be going now. I’m fashionably late enough.” Before going, Jungkook and Jimin kissed you on each cheek careful not to ruin your makeup. Jin had fallen asleep again and none of you were willing to wake him up.

The night could become difficult so you ignored Yoongi’s eyes on you. You didn’t need any more people judging you.

A limousine was waiting for you outside, limousines were practically part of the dress code in these events. John wasn’t with you this time, you had given him the night off. These kinds of events starred in his nightmares, standing in the corner all night not saying a word. That’s how they kept up the illusion. Regardless of how many times you told him you didn’t care about it, he would follow what was expected of him.

The bright lights blinded you when you arrived. Everyone seemed to want to take a look at you. Your heels sunk into the red carpet at the entrance hall, large paintings in golden frames hanging from the walls. You were led up a grand staircase to the hall the gala was taking place. And so the night began…

You listened through speeches about fashion and the vision of the fashion industry and each individual designer. A few parts were quite interesting, but most of them failed to do anything more than repeat the same old ideas again and again. However, the champagne did make everything a little more tolerable. Your mother had been very happy to see you there and she had told you at least three times how beautiful you were. Your father smiled at you, a smile that looked way too political to be for his daughter, the same smile he would put on when greeting the president.

After the speeches were finished, your mother linked your elbows. It was time for the introductions. You put on your camera smile and shook more hands than you ever did at work. The compliments on your work were many, which ones were genuine was a mystery. But it did feel good when the daughter of one of your father’s associates told you how much she loved the finale of season 4 of Paper Hearts and asked you about Six of Crows.

You said goodbye to an older couple and your mother led you to the buffet. A sculpture of a man pinning fabrics on a mannequin stood proudly in the middle, surrounded by plates of food so perfect that it looked more fake than the decorative food pieces you used on set.

Your mother took another flute of champagne from a waiter. “Mr. Jones will be retiring soon but his son doesn’t want to take over the company. It causes a lot of family drama. I heard they only exchange a few words when they meet but Mr. Jones isn’t backing down.” You had no idea what company they had or who their son was but you nodded. “Ah, I wanted to ask you. You didn’t say anything about adopting hybrids.”

Your hand stilled before you could taste the hors d' oeuvres that looked like a sandwich but was too fancy to call it that. “Hybrids?” you repeated.

“I didn’t know you were interested in them,” your mother continued, unaware of how tense you had become. “Certainly not interested enough to adopt four. Are you making a collection?” She laughed at her joke but you only felt ill.

“No, I wouldn’t say that.” You took a bite of the food, trying to swallow it down. You had lost your appetite.

Your mother sipped on her champagne. “That would be a unique one, it could be showcased.” The churning in your stomach got worse. You left the piece that looked like a sandwich aside.

“How did you learn of it?”

“Don’t you read any magazines? It was front-page news.” You had expected that the information would be published sooner or later, you hadn’t been exactly hiding it, but sooner or later was in the future not now. “You should have told me, I would have looked for some high-quality places to buy them from. There are some very beautiful exotic pieces I have seen. Mrs. Anderson, do you remember her? She couldn’t make it this time but she was at the charity event last September.” You didn’t remember her but you nodded again. “She has such a cute chinchilla hybrid and he’s so well-trained too. I hope yours were trained well, I heard it’s difficult to train them yourself. Where did you adopt them from?”

You swallowed down the lump in your throat. “An adoption center in Los Angeles,” you lied easily. Spending hours and hours every day with actors, instructing them about how each scene would seem more natural, you had picked up a few tricks. “I just really liked them and they were already a pack, I didn’t want to break them up.”

Your mother arched a single perfectly-drawn eyebrow, a skill you had sadly not inherited. “A pack? Does that actually exist? Dear, the center must have been trying to give you four hybrids instead of one. Pack,” she tried out the word and she didn’t particularly like the results. “That certainly sounds like some kind of con. What are they? Are all of them wolves?”

“No, they aren’t all wolves. And it was three hybrids, I adopted the other one later from Tennessee with Taylor.”

Taylor’s name brought a spark to your mother. “Oh, how is Taylor? Such a sweet girl, I should have invited her. I will next time.” Your mother had met Taylor exactly once during one of the few of your movie premieres she had actually attended. “Which one did you adopt from there?”

You gritted your teeth, debating how much information was wise to give your mother. “Jin, he’s a sugar glider hybrid.”

That seemed to please her. “Sugar glider? That sounds fancy. I would like to see him up close.” Like you would ever allow that to happen. “He must be a rare breed.”

“He is.”

“Of course, I should have expected that my daughter would decide on a rare breed,” she said as if she was congratulating herself. “I insist you bring him to the next event. I was never that interested in hybrids, too much work, but one would look good in photos.”

“Yeah, I guess he would.” You took a deep breath, it wasn’t the time to throw a tantrum like you were five years old again or puke all over your expensive dress and shoes.

The expression on your mother’s face grew somber. “But four hybrids are a lot, I don’t think I know anyone who owns that many.” She twirled the flute in her hand, waves of the golden liquor hitting the glass and bubbles rising to the surface. “After what happened with Jacob I understand you have been feeling lonely, but hybrids aren’t good substitutes for human company, dear. You can’t rely on them as you relied on him or another man.”

A waiter offered you a glass of champagne from a golden tray. You couldn’t drink too much and risk your tongue loosening but you could allow yourself one more glass to get through this. “I’m not trying to replace him. They aren’t some kind of rebound.”

By her pinched expression, she didn’t believe you. “It’s alright to look for company somewhere else when you feel lonely. I don’t want you to think I’m judging your choices, you are an adult and free to make your own decisions but I’m your mother and I’m worried. You and Jacob were together for so long, we were sure he was the one for you. He was so nice and he took care of you. Your father and I were so happy for you.”

“Not all good relationships last. People change, they grow apart.”

“That’s true. It’s difficult getting out of a relationship after being together for so many years and getting back to your feet. That’s why I understand. I understand that you don’t want to be alone right now but don’t put all of your energy into hybrids. It just isn’t the same. Whatever some people like to say, hybrids are hybrids. They are different from us, they are on a different level. You can’t have the same connection with someone you own.”

Her words continued ringing in your mind for the rest of the night. Your father soon called you to introduce you to one of his colleagues, a successful businessman and politician you had never heard of. The glass of champagne was replaced by another one. You promised yourself it was the last. The owner of a luxurious brand talked with your mother about his plan to expand to more countries and the rehearsed and repeated vision to connect the world through fashion.

You peered at the other guests, all mingling, talking, and laughing. A man only a few feet away from you slapped a girl’s ass. You couldn’t believe your eyes, stuff like that didn’t happen at an event like this. You expected a scene, shouting and screaming and everything in between. Nothing happened. The man that had his arm around her waist only laughed. That’s when you noticed the black fluffy ears on top of her head, they were the same color as her hair and easy to miss. She didn’t have a tail. A silver collar with blue stones the same shade as her dress was secured around her neck. Her shoulders were tense and her head lowered.

In any other situation, any other time, you would have done something. You would have walked up to them and said something, anything you could think of on the spot, even talked to her, made a few minutes more tolerable. You did none of those things. Your parents were there and you had avoided embarrassing them all your life.

The guilt was eating you up, wrapping around all your organs and squeezing, hissing, and calling for your attention, not letting you forget. You had done nothing. If someone had touched your hybrids like that you would have cut their hands off. But that hadn’t been your hybrid, it hadn’t been your place. It hadn’t been your place like it hadn’t been your place to adopt Jin and go against his owner, like it hadn’t been your place to get involved with Namjoon’s pack or Yoongi and Hoseok for that matter. Maybe you had been tricking yourself all along, hiding your selfishness and fear behind the pretense of “not my place”.

Your mother was wrong, you hadn’t been looking for company when you and Jacob broke up. On the contrary, you disregarded everything except work, distancing yourself from all of your friends. It was easy with how busy you were at the time. You would have continued hiding in the Castle and spent your break alone if you hadn’t asked John to stop the car that night. They were what you didn’t know you needed. You had to stop being alone first to realize how lonely you had been.

You couldn’t go back to living like that, waking up and returning to an empty house, having no warm meal and warmer hugs waiting for you. That’s what your life had been like for the longest time and you wondered how you used to live like that. The hybrids were so tangled up in your life you couldn’t find where each thread ended or started. They merged and divided, connecting you all in ways you couldn’t describe.

Taylor had asked you about any crushes when you had been in Virginia, everyone was expecting you to find a new boyfriend after six months or at least start dating but you couldn’t bring yourself to do that. No one had piqued your interest and it wasn’t for lack of meeting new people. It would feel wrong going on a date with someone when the hybrids were waiting for you back home. And that’s where the problem was; it shouldn’t feel wrong. Many people who had hybrids went on dates, couples adopted hybrids together and it should be like that for you. But it wasn’t.

Overthinking was one of your talents and you had avoided like you were being chased by wild dogs. You weren’t one to simply go with the flow but Namjoon’s lips on your own had changed your mind. You were too afraid of losing that that you hadn’t allowed yourself to analyze what you were doing, what that meant for you. Namjoon was your hybrid, you may not act like it or think of him like that but you were his owner in the papers. And it wasn’t only Namjoon, the way you cared about the hybrids was different from the way you felt about anyone else. It was all-consuming and too bright. You felt more for them than you had ever felt about Jacob and that was dangerous.

You excused yourself from the event as soon as it was proper for you to do so. Tomorrow morning you had to wake up early for work and you couldn’t stay late into the night. It was true but not the reason you left. Your mother hugged you and thanked you for coming, inviting you once again to their house in New York. She had been inviting you every time you met and you hadn’t once been to their house.

The window of the limousine was cold against your cheek, your foundation staining the glass. Maybe your mother wasn’t that wrong. You didn’t dare put a name to your feelings but you couldn’t deny that they were there. Were you really that lonely that your mind was playing tricks on you? Groaning, you knocked your head against the glass, hard enough to hear a small thud. You shouldn’t be thinking of them like that, it was wrong, so wrong.

Was it the way the world viewed hybrids messing with you, bleeding into your subconscious? They were presented as the answer to any and all desires, transformed into wet dreams. The media had the power to influence behaviors and thoughts little by little without the person noticing. You had thought you were too clever to fall victim to their molded reality. You knocked your head against the glass again, the driver must have been thinking you were crazy.

The limousine parked in front of the Castle. On other nights the lights would have been turned off by now but tonight they were all shinning, welcoming you home. You fished your keys out of your bag and unlocked the door. The lights were on in the living room in the lowest setting.

“Welcome.” You jumped, almost tumbling to the floor at being startled while taking off your heels.

“Every. Single. Time.” Namjoon laughed quietly. “How do you do this every single time?”

“I was already here, I couldn’t make any more noise.” He got up from the couch, extending a hand to you. You took it and he guided you to the couch. “Did you have a good time?”

The dress wrinkled as you pulled one foot under you but you couldn’t care less. “It was… bearable. I didn’t-” You let your head fall on the back of the couch. Seeing Namjoon up close after the night you had, looking at you with soft eyes like you held the sky in the palm of your hand, everything was coming back. What were you doing here? Your heart shouldn’t be racing like that when you were thinking about the wolf hybrid, your hands shouldn’t be itching to touch him.

“You’re here now, you can relax,” he said trailing his hand from your arm to your shoulder and up your neck. Goosebumps raised on your bare skin. “You’re home.” His breath tickled your face, his lips were so close and you wanted, you wanted… You pushed him back.

“I should go take off my makeup. I’m exhausted.”

Namjoon frowned but he didn’t question you. “Okay,” he said softly. “Your bed must be calling your name.”

“It is,” you said slipping away from him. The absence of his touch left a void inside you. “Goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

You went to your room with a heavy heart, leaving Namjoon alone in the living room.

♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩

 You found the offending magazine in a store close to the studios. Copies of it filled a whole stand. The cover was a photo of you with Jin and Jimin in front of the waffle place the day you had taken them with you to the table-reading. It really was front-page news.

In A Stunning Display of Power And Wealth Y/N Y/L/N Adopts Four Hybrids

Straight to the point, every word chosen precisely to attract attention. A display of power and wealth. Of course, that’s what sold copies. That’s what people wanted to read; how one of the richest and most famous directors of your generation was showing off their wealth and power. Hybrids continued to be a sign of money. To adopt four hybrids meant you were crazy rich, but people already knew that when similar headlines had swept all tabloids just a year ago, brought on by the outrageous purchase of the Castle.

Four pages were dedicated to you and your hybrids, completed with more photos of the same day and quotes from “insider sources”. You closed the magazine and went to the counter. The cashier scanned it without glancing at your face, which saved you some trouble. You almost thought you would have to re-enact the comedic scene of the cashier looking at the magazine, then at you, then back at the magazine, then back at you like a robot that had stopped working. You shoved the magazine in your bag, self-conscious of anyone seeing it on you, and went back to the studios.

Filming would begin very soon, which meant you were swamped with work. Everything had to be perfect because that’s the kind of director you were. A perfectionist. If it also gave you an excuse not to think about the hybrids and all of the implications of the flutter of your heart when you were with them, you weren’t complaining. And if you were a little more distant, that could easily be attributed to your work too.

Sleepless nights became too common, your head was too loud and Jimin laying next to you only made it louder.

Filming started and your schedule changed. Most days you still woke up early and returned late at night, but because each scene required a specific time of the day there were nights you came back hours after midnight. You had promised the hybrids you would take them with you on set but every morning you got in the car alone.

Fourth day of filming and unexpected rain forced you to cancel the outside shooting. You only had outside filming that day. You rushed to make adjustments and switch to scenes that could be filmed inside the studios. The crew would need time to prepare everything for the filming so you had been left with the morning off.

You unlocked the door, hiding inside the house from the rain. It hadn’t rained like that in a long time. The heavens had opened up and the rain refused to stop coming down like it was determined to turn Los Angeles into a gigantic lake. Your shoes left puddles wherever you stepped, you would have to mop the floors later. You took them off and placed them by the door. They had suffered the most, the rest of yourself was relatively dry with the exception of the lower part of your pants.

No one was attacking you with hugs as you closed the umbrella someone from the staff had handed you, the hybrids mustn’t have heard you coming in. If they had heard you, you would have had an armful of Jimin and Jungkook by now.

“Oh, hey Yoongi,” you greeted the panther hybrid coming out of the kitchen. Your tactic with Yoongi was to act like you were talking to someone who didn’t strongly dislike you. The scowls and the sneers had decreased turning into a plastic sort of indifference and that’s what made you pause. His scowl could cut you like a knife. “Are you alright?”

Yoongi stalked past you. “What are doing back?” he asked harshly.

You were taken aback for a moment. He hadn’t spoken like that to you since before you had left for Virginia. “I have the morning off because of the rain. Did something happen here?”

“Why do you care?” Yoongi stood by the staircase, his black tail unmoving behind him.

“Why would I not care?” you shot back. The rain had already ruined your plans for the day and caused you enough stress to last you for a few more, you didn’t have enough energy to deal with Yoongi. “Seriously, what happened? Is Hoseok alright?”

A low growl vibrated through the room, you almost took a step back at the threatening sound. “Don’t you speak his name. Was caring for him another way to make you feel powerful? Is this some kind of sick way for you to gain power over someone?”

You were too tired to handle this delicately as you should, you recognized that and proceeded to ignore it. “What the hell is this about? I just came back from work.”

Yoongi scoffed, it was an ugly sound. “Because you have brainwashed everyone else, don’t think I don’t see you for who you are. Have you sold our story yet? About how you saved Hoseok and nursed him back to health? I am sure that will sell many magazines. Show them all how all-powerful you are.”

Through the haze of the day, the words started to click. “You found the magazine.”

“You didn’t try to hide it.” You couldn’t remember where you had left it, it had probably ended up in the stack of magazines under the living room table. “I knew no one would take four hybrids in out of the goodness of their hearts. Did it work? Was it worth it or are you already getting bored? Maybe you should adopt a couple more. Make more headlines.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about,” you gritted out.

“That’s what you’d like to think,” Yoongi sneered. “All of you are the same. Hiding in your mansions and looking for the next chance to brandish your name. It’s a constant chase of power and standing, isn’t it? And you’ll use anyone you’ll find in your way to climb higher. I know how it is. You can’t fool me. I’ve been dealing with people like you for years!”

Your pants and your wet socks were sticking uncomfortably to your skin. Your head was buzzing. It hurt because that’s everything you had been trying to avoid. Everything you had promised yourself not to become. Everything you had criticized your parents and their circle for. You weren’t like them. You had never been like them.

“You don’t know me, don’t pretend you do,” you said forcefully. “Do you really think that’s how magazines work? I just call them and tell them I want them to write about me? Put me on the front cover? That’s not it. Even if it was, why would I do that? I couldn’t care less about the power-plays you’re talking about. I’m a director and my work speaks for itself. I don’t need magazines to brandish my name because my movies and my shows are more than enough. The paparazzi saw the chance and they took it. Their goal is to sell and their headlines showcase exactly that; what people would buy. I never hid the fact that I adopted hybrids but I wasn’t flaunting it to the media either.”

“Why should I believe you?” Yoongi growled.

You sighed, a sound full of frustration. “Frankly, I don’t see what else I could do to make you believe me! I tended to Hoseok. I didn’t ask any questions. I tried hard not to cross any boundaries and to make you feel welcome. What more do you want me to do?”

“Nothing,” Yoongi said simply. “Nothing you do can change my mind.”

It was like a stone dropped in the pit of your stomach. You shouldn’t have expected anything else. Yoongi had been through a lot, that much was clear, but it was unfair that he was taking out everything on you. You were paying for the scars other humans had inflicted on him.

“I’m not who you think I am.”

“You don’t know what I think.”

“It’s pretty clear,” you muttered. “Alright, I can’t change your mind, I won’t even try. I know how to pick my battles. But if you really despise me so much then why bother? Nothing you say will change anything. Are you trying to uncover some hidden truth about me and how evil I am? Then what?”

The fur on Yoongi’s tail and ears stood on end. “I don’t care. I don’t care about you, about what you have done and what you will do as long as we’re gone from here. I don’t care for your charity or your pity. Did it ever occur to you that I never wanted to be here in the first place?”

You swallowed, willing your heart rate to calm down. “Then tell Hoseok and Jimin yourself. The keys are by the door.”

You didn’t wait for Yoongi to say anything else, turning around and locking yourself in your room. You laid down on your bed, your hands gripping your hair. The exhaustion this time was beyond physical, beyond mental. Your hands retreated from your hair, sliding down your cheeks. Your fingers were wet.

Later when Jimin and Jungkook knocked on the door, you had to open the door or risk worrying them. They jumped on the bed and snuggled close to you. You held your phone waiting for the call to go to the studios.

You didn’t face any new problems with filming. The actors were all incredible, seemingly one with their characters. You did a lot of filming at 300 Fox Way, the psychic’s house with its mystic aura and weirdly compelling assortment of objects. You instructed the actors, talked with the crew, and analyzed the script down to each comma. Focusing on anything other than Yoongi’s words and your hybrids had turned into an art form.

The sleepless nights didn’t cease, you and the moonlight had become good friends. Jimin’s visits to your room thinned out. He had noticed you pulling away. You didn’t hug him anymore or kissed his forehead before falling asleep, you couldn’t come to terms with doing that after everything that had happened. You had thought that maybe you would sleep better alone but that had been proved false soon after.

You got out of bed for the fourth night in a row. Every position was uncomfortable. Keeping your steps light you left the room. The large house was eerie at night, the living room area with its glass walls looked endless, combining the actual living room, the dining room, and what the real estate agents had called the family room that was really just another living room.

You couldn’t stay in your room on nights like these, it was too contained. The night air on your skin sent shivers down your frame as you walked out on the balcony. It was two days before the full moon and its glow illuminated the world.

What had you gotten yourself into? You wished you could go back to that morning and decline your mother’s invitation to the gala. Maybe, just maybe, then you would be able to sleep, your head wouldn’t be fighting you at every turn, at every chance.

Little pieces of moonlight shimmered and danced on the lake. The calmness of the world was a stark contrast to the mess in your head. You remembered how Jungkook had looked at the lake in awe that very first night, you had noticed then that he looked at Jimin the same way. You wondered how you looked at them and if anyone had noticed.

The moon had no answers for you.

Two golden eyes were looking up at you from the garden, they shone like the fires that had been extinguished earlier. Namjoon tilted his head, inviting you down. A weird sense of deja vu took over. You had lived something very similar before, a night that had changed so much.

You shouldn’t go. You should stay where you were, alone and safe, away from fluttering heartbeats and dangerous warmth. But the night had its way of calling out the risky nature of people. The thrill was so much more enticing when darkness ruled.

Climbing down the stairs, you kept your steps quiet. You never knew which sound would wake up the hybrids. Namjoon was standing by the flower bushes close to the curtain of vines that lead into the forest. He was wearing a dark blue pair of pajama pants and a simple black T-shirt.

“What are you doing awake so late?” you whispered, like everything around you had ears.

“I could ask you the same thing.”

You shook your head. “I have trouble sleeping, remember?”

Namjoon had caught you a few times wandering the house at night, he was the only one who knew that a lot of nights sleep didn’t come to you willingly. His own nightly adventures were more complicated.

“Why are you awake?” you asked him again. “Please don’t tell me you smelled distress or something again or I’ll freak.”

Namjoon chuckled, you had missed it. Keeping your distance meant you only saw them for barely two hours every day. They all tried to not make too much noise with you in the constant mood of ‘tired and gloomy’.

“No, that’s not it.” He looked up, over the trees. “It’s the full moon.”

“You have to be kidding me. Do you turn into a wolf too?”

Namjoon raised his hands in surrender, his dimples on full display. “I’m joking, I’m joking. I couldn’t sleep either and I like being outside at night like this. It’s peaceful.”

You couldn’t disagree with that. There was something alluring about the quiet of the night. You would describe yourself more as a morning person than a night owl but both of them were true, waking up early for work then staying up late for it too.

“Are you alright?” The smile had fallen from his lips.

You squirmed under the intensity of his gaze. “I’m just tired, that’s all. Filming takes a lot out of me.”

Namjoon sighed. “Are you sure that’s all there is? You have been acting differently, did you think we wouldn’t notice?”

You knew they would notice but you had hoped they would think it was because of your work. Work did take a lot out of you but it also used to be the reason you were so much happier returning home.

“It has been going on for too long. You don’t spend any time outside your room or your office if it isn’t to eat. You are avoiding us. Jimin and Jungkook stopped scenting you because they think they’re making you uncomfortable.”

“It isn’t- They aren’t making me uncomfortable. I’m just tired from work and I don’t-” you tried to deny it but you fell short of excuses.

“You were working before too, but it wasn’t like this,” he pointed out. “You were tired then too. Some nights you came back and I could smell the exhaustion around you like a disease. But you smiled when Jimin and Jungkook ran up to you and didn’t let you go, you laughed at Jin laughing at his own jokes. You came to me when it got too loud here.” He pointed to your head.

“We weren’t filming then.” It was a weak attempt but you had to make it.

Namjoon regarded you carefully. Beams of moonlight got tangled in his gray hair turning it silver. He looked at home right there at that moment, close to the trees with the moon shining on him. He was every bit of magic you had ever witnessed.

“This started before filming did. I knew there was something wrong when you came back from the gala. Something happened there,” Namjoon concluded. “I should have come with you.”

You shook your head vigorously. Imagining him next to you while your mother spoke about hybrids like that was torture. “No, you shouldn’t. You shouldn’t have been with me.” You paused to compose yourself. “It wasn’t good, it was really bad actually. It wasn’t the gala itself, there some interesting people and… My mother…” You took a deep breath. “I don’t think I like my parents very much,” you admitted.

It was hard to say after years of half-hearted attempts at mending your relationship with them. All those years apart you had become very different people. You had trouble remembering what they were like before they left you in your aunt’s care. You couldn’t see any traces of them in yourself, you didn’t enjoy what they enjoyed, your interests and priorities, the way you viewed the world were very different.

In the past few days, you had grown to hate your mother’s voice in your head but you had a feeling that it had been much longer than that. The only difference was that before, you had been able to ignore it.

Namjoon came closer, his hand touching your palm waiting for you to make the first move. You took his hand in yours, laying your head on his chest. “That’s alright. You don’t have to like them, no one is forcing you to.”

“But they are my parents.”

He stroked your back gently. “It doesn’t matter, that isn’t enough of a reason.”

“They aren’t bad people.”

“They don’t need to be bad people for you to dislike them.”

You stayed like that for a few moments, taking in his presence. You had missed being in his arms so much, like an ache that couldn’t go away.

He stopped stroking your back, cupping your cheek and pulling back so you were facing each other. “I’m always here for you. I don’t care about anything else but seeing you happy. I’m here.”

“I missed you,” you admitted like it was a secret.

Namjoon smiled softly. “I missed you too.” His thumb caressed your lower lip. There was a tingling sensation all over your skin. “Can I?” he asked just like the very first time.

You let out a shuddering breath. “Should we be doing this?”

“Do you want to?” he asked carefully.

You bit your lip before nodding. He leaned down connecting your lips. It was soft and careful, all the longing and hurt of the past days poured into the kiss. You pulled him closer and he came willingly. You could hear your heartbeat in your ears.

An awful laugh cut through the night. You pulled away from Namjoon like you had been burnt. Yoongi was one with the night, dark like a shadow.

“So this is it? Is this why you adopted them all? So you can have your pick when you’re in the mood?” The expression on his face was cruel, twisted up in disgust.

Namjoon growled, his sharp canines shinning in the moonlight. In that moment, Namjoon looked more dangerous than ever before. “Shut your mouth.”

“I see she has turned you into her dog. How long did it take to tame you?”

You held Namjoon back before he could lunge at the panther. You were afraid that if you let him go, there would blood on their clothes. “Don’t.”

Yoongi took a tense step forward. “That’s right, listen to your owner. Is that what she has turned all of you into? Her toys? Just for a roof over your head and food?”

“Shut the fuck up,” Namjoon growled. “Don’t you dare talk about her like that. You have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.”

Yoongi clenched his fists. There was anger and something else you couldn’t see in the night amidst your panic. “I knew it. I knew no one did what you did without any kind of agenda. Seems like the magazine was right, at least in part. You can’t fool me, even if you managed to fool everyone else.”

With that he was gone, like he was never there.

You couldn’t breathe. Your hand was still wrapped around Namjoon’s wrist and you couldn’t breathe. You counted in your head. One, two, three…

When Namjoon tried to touch your shoulder, you pulled away. “I’m going back to my room,” you said. Your voice sounded shaky to your own ears. Namjoon called out to you but you didn’t stop. He didn’t try to touch you again.

Please comment and reblog it motivates me to keep writing