#to not feel like my identity is a burden in some way

[stealthily]

perhaps it’s the Issues™️ but it’s just like. so nice when somebody i know just. refers to me being bi in a nonchalant/positive casual way. i feel so used to irl friends not reacting well or treating me different that when someone just refers to me being bi in casual conversation i still feel like happy crying a little gkdksks

[neverendingford]

.

[cryptidcalling]

Made a really long rambly post about omegaverse Vesper and what it means to me but it got really dramatic and kinda venty so I'm gonna try again but shorter.

I think the most impactful thing is that because omegaverse runs on primal instincts, a lot of things are taken more seriously than they are in real life. Submission, vulnerability, weakness, coddling and comfort, those are an omega's needs. They're not wants or desires or preferences. They're needs, and they're treated with the seriousness of needs.

When omega Vesper feels overwhelmed and anxious he needs someone else, a pack mate, to recognize it and help him calm down. He doesn't always want that, what he wants is to hide and not let anyone see him. But what he needs is help, and so he's given help. When he's feeling worthless because he made a mistake or feels like he hasn't been productive enough he needs someone to just pull him into their lap and tell him how good he is, how much he's wanted. He doesn't request that, but they can tell that he needs it, so he gets it. When he's feeling overwhelmingly lonely and replaceable what he needs is for an alpha to re-affirm their claim by refreshing the mark on his neck. It's not a desire, he sometimes finds it embarrassing, but he needs it. He needs to be vulnerable. He needs to have time during his busy and stressful life to be submissive, so he can just relax without having to make decisions or have responsibilities. He wants to be needed, but he NEEDS to be wanted.

And by making these things needs rather than wants it validates them significantly. It removes the fear, from an outsider's perspective, that the pack is going to find Vesper too tiring or his emotions too much to deal with. Vesper is anxious, but we know that his pack is just making sure his needs are met, no different from making sure their partner is eating and sleeping every day. These vulnerabilities are not extra, they're not more emotional labor than anyone signed up for. Everybody knows that these are things that omegas need, so there's no question that the pack will meet those needs happily and genuinely.

[yourstardarling]

Lilith Analysis

(Lady Lilith, by Dante Gabriel Rossetti)

In my perspective, Lilith symbolizes the female intuition which is often vilified in our patriarchal society. She questions the status quo, defying societal norms and forges her own path for how she lives her life. In some interpretations, Lilith is depicted as the serpent in the garden, tempting Eve with the apple as revenge for her expulsion after refusing to submit to Adam. Targeting Eve instead of Adam, shows how Lilith understands the curious nature within women to want to know more and what ifs. It is the same curiosity that made Pandora open the box releasing malicious spirits into the world.

The energy of Lilith is a vengeful one as she sought revenge against God for her banishment out of the garden. In her expulsion, she was stated to steal babies and harm innocent lives, unsympathetic to anyone in her way. So within our charts, Lilith shows where we've experienced profound shame and societal rejection. It is where we are often demonized for refusing to yield to others' expectations. If we don't heal this pain it often becomes a form of self-destruction, fueling a need to gain revenge, harming anyone in our path. This part of our chart is usually suppressed, relegated to the shadows, but integration of this energy is crucial. Mainly because keeping our shame underneath the surface will often cause self-sabotage within the house Lillith is in. Finding the underlying root of the problem will often lead to reclaiming of your power, making Lilith be an energy of magnetization and authority. Neglection will only exacerbate internal conflict.

Lilith in the 1st:In the first house, these individuals are the walking embodiments of Lilith. They are often faced with deep-seated feelings of shame regarding their sexuality and physical appearance. Many have endured the pain of bullying in their youth, which has made them feel shunned out from society. This shame becomes a heavy burden that feels as if it is a part of them, complicating efforts to express their true self openly. Consequently, a portion of their identity remains veiled, guarded against potential judgment or rejection from others. Yet, beneath this veil within their unconscious, lies a potent magnetism. A profound sense of sexuality that others find rather attractive or unsettling. They find themselves both desired and feared. But honestly like Britney said it’s because, "All of the boys and all of the girls want to if you seek Amy." Lilith's influence in this house encourages independence and self-assertion. It teaches the importance of standing firm in the face of societal pressures and refusing to be demonized for your own authenticity. However, yielding to criticism and seeking external validation risks facing internal conflicts. A constant battle against yourself. That is why confronting the shadow aspects of one's personality should be practiced, as it offers a pathway to self-discovery and empowerment. When you are able to show resilience and unwavering faith in yourself, you're able to garner admiration and respect from those around you. The ability to transmute pain into productive actions serves as a magnetic force, attracting allies and opportunities alike. Learning to embrace your inner sexual energy is imperative, as it is something that cannot be suppressed. Unfortunately, this embracement may invite unwanted attention, leaving you vulnerable to exploitation and trauma. Overall, the role of Lilith in the first house is one of self-acceptance and defiance against societal norms. It's a journey marked by challenges, but also by profound personal growth and authenticity.

Lilith in the 2nd: In the house of personal gains, Lilith has felt great shame surrounding her personal values. Individuals with this placement have a hard time surrounding their self worth and physical assets. Possessive tendencies lie beneath the surface, as a consequence from being betrayed in the past. People may have taken advantage of them for their material value and stolen from them. Financial wounds run deep making them unable to properly trust themselves with money. Might find themselves in cycles of reckless spending, prioritizing instant gratification over long term investments. The types go on a shopping spree and then feel guilty for indulging materialistically.These people can either be overindulgent or extremely picky when it comes to what they spend. There is an inherent value of pleasure and spending resources on things that make you feel good.The sign Lilith is in will give you an idea on what you unwarily spend money on and guide your financial decisions. Implementing a budget plan can be very beneficial in uncovering and healing shame surrounding your spending habits. It will help you regulate your spending. Underlying shadow challenges when it comes to self worth is another aspect of this placement. Leading to having doubts about deservingness and attaining success. Lilith in the 2nd, prompts a reevaluation of your values. Rather than being overly picky, you're encouraged to be intentional in your pursuits. Learn to align your investments with your deepest values and aspirations. Family dynamics may also contribute to your relationship with money, with the possibility of past generations engaging in questionable financial practices. Additionally, Lilith's immature aspects may tempt individuals to resort to unethical means of acquiring wealth, such as engaging in sex work or participating in illicit activities. However, succumbing to these temptations risks exploiting others and ultimately perpetuating cycles of harm. In navigating the influence of Lilith in the 2nd house, you are urged to exercise caution and integrity in financial dealings. By confronting shadows and cultivating a sense of self-worth, they can transcend shame and reclaim power over their financial well-being.

Lilith in the 3rd: When Lilith is in the third house of youth and mental stimulation, these individuals have deep shame within their speech and communication. Oftentimes they were demonized as a child, facing constant scrutiny about their childish behavior. Parental guardians made them seem like they were to blame for the smallest issues that occurred. In school they may have felt shunned out from their peers, becoming the target of bullying and ridicule. This ridicule can even come from their teachers that overly criticized them for not being the perfect student, leading them to feel like they were a bad kid. Might indicate having a speech impediment, having a hard time communicating how you feel and issues surrounding being able to read. Your intelligence was significantly downplayed from the earlier years of school which made you believe you were dumb. For this reason, you may prefer being quiet and only speaking when you are needed to, often avoiding starting conversation. To others you may seem standoffish when you speak, but instead it can be anxiety to say what you really want because of public reaction. This Lilith wound is one centered around your inner child and taking back power over your mind. Intrusive thoughts of feeling less than can often be an underlying trigger, but you must recognize that these voices in your head are not your own. It is programming from the ridicule you received as a kid. Mindfulness and meditation practices can help regulate the outside input that comes in your head. You're a very intellectually capable individual that often understands knowledge about topics considered unconventional by society. Don’t be ashamed of what you know and use it to teach other people information you are passionate about.

Lilith in the 4th: Within the house of home and heritage, Lilith has wrested with feeling of shame for her family background. These individuals can often grow up feeling sexually repressed by their family. Criticism for what they were and being called a slut for wanting to express themselves. This placement reminds me of Meg from Family Guy, and how she is consistently made the butt of all ridicule by her family. As you went through puberty, you could've felt uncomfortable being objectified by family members. Some could've faced even faced exploitation by their own family. There is a strange focus on purity within the household and committing towards conservative ideals of presenting yourself. From their point of view, you may be seen as someone who is promiscuous and disobeying traditional values. You might find it hard to feel at home within yourself because of these past afflictions. This can even lead to you feeling ashamed about your emotional responses, often viewing them as evil instead of necessary feelings. Aside from sexuality, this Lilith placement also indicates having shame regarding your origin. There might have been concealed truths about your birth, unraveling as you mature. Might have felt like your family were strangers and you did not belong with them. Issues with the mother figure can be highlighted by this placement. You don't get along well and could feel a sense of cruelty from her. A shadow side to you is kept veiled from your family, which makes you feel like an outsider by them. You may have a reputation of being the rebellious cousin. They may harbor outdated ideologies such as racism, homophobia and xenophobia, that makes you more ashamed of them. The home you grew up in may have been the cause of this shame too, because of its design or infestation issues. Overall, stepping away from your family's point of view of the world is a big factor with this Lilith placement. You cannot allow their lives to dictate who you are meant to be. Learning to nurture yourself and finding your own community is an essential part of your journey. As time pass, you may discover yourself becoming a space for other people to confide in about their personal issues. A testament to Lilith making a home for herself outside the boundaries of Eden.

Lilith in the 5th: In the fifth house, individuals have grappled with profound shame surrounding the way they experience pleasure within their lives. Their childhood may have been faced with restrictions on the ways they could have fun, such as engaging in hobbies solely to appease their parents rather than for personal enjoyment. Activities you found enjoyment in, felt like you needed to keep hidden away from other people in order to not get ridiculed. There are plenty of hobbies you enjoy that others will find unorthodox to have. For example, going to shooting ranges, participating in drag shows, taking part in the circus or cosplaying your favorite characters. When it comes to your talents, you might face envy from others because they want the attributes that you have. May face hate in your extracurricular activities and being outcasted by team members. In your own eyes, your often unsure about your talents and feel like you're not good enough in your practice. Additionally, there is also shame regarding sexual pleasure. You might find it fun to explore, but some experiences make it unsettling for you to enjoy. There may be a need to keep your sex life a secret from other people. However, sex positivity can be a notable aspect of this placement though, not having much conservative notions in your sexual experiences. When it comes to children, you might feel some shame for not wanting to have kids and face scrutiny from others for this stance. You can even feel like you hate the thought of children and not wanting them around you. If you do end up having kids, they can exhibit Lilith quality traits of rebellion and unorthodox behavior. There is definitely a shadow side to how you gain pleasure with this placement, indulging in self destructive behaviors and selling yourself away for fun. You must learn to tame that primal urge within you when you are having a great time. Especially as this can lead to addictions to pleasure, such as having a gambling, drug abuse and being overly sexual. Learn to set boundaries when you're having fun.

Lilith In the 6th: In the house of service, Lilith plays a commanding role within her work space. This placement reminds me of The Devil wears Prada, where Miranda was seen as a formidable figure by her colleagues. Similarly, coworkers may harbor similar feelings toward you, casting you as assertive & harsh. You may face a lot of scrutiny in the workplace and could even work in an environment where there's a prevalence of discrimination. Workplace harassment can occur here as well, oftentimes facing oversexualization. Navigating and accepting your shadow persona in the workplace becomes essential. As long as you come there to do your job, that’s all that matters. Just try not to lash out at your colleagues because of misconception and other issues. There may be a big rumor that you are lazy for not doing as much as everyone else. However, you're the type of person that only comes and does the work that is necessary, not overworking themselves as everyone else. On the flip side, you can be hyper focused on work and do a lot more in your day that others don’t really see. This can take a toll on your health and work stress can be a big indication of this placement. Speaking of health, you might have a terrible relationship with health officials. Health experts in the past might have treated you poorly and even faced a misdiagnosis. Your relationship with health overall is something you can feel intense emotions around. A health condition could make you feel like you don’t have the same capabilities as other people. Might struggle with digestion and eating food to nourish yourself. There is a lot of necessary shadow work to uncover within your habits and daily routines with this placement. Learn to not be so hard on yourself, making time to properly maintain your physical needs.Health is wealth after all.

Lilith In the 7th: When Lilith lies in the house of partnerships, there is often shame surrounding the close connections these people have. They often easily attract people with Lilith energy in their lives, such as rebellion, ostracization and outcasts. You're often able to see the version of others that they keep hidden underneath. For some reason, people can feel like they can trust you with their problems and you make space to not judge them. Something about you just allows people to feel easily able to open up their shame to you. It might be because there is a part of you that has felt the same shame of being shunned out by other people. In your love life, there could be a tendency to feel outcasted by your partners which leads to having a warped perception of yourself. Partners often can make you feel like you are too much and incapable of being loved. May find it hard to feel their needs being met in their personal relationships. Here lilith indicates issues of being taken advantage of by other people and personal power being exploited. Aggressive aspects can also show facing abuse, which can make these individuals pretty guarded when meeting others. You could feel the need to be in control and have a dominant role in your love life. However, self-destructive tendencies may spur from not getting what you want out of a partner and lead you sabotaging your connections. You can often pursue relationships you know are unhealthy for you. There’s a tendency to want people that bring out an unhinged version of yourself, becoming a whole different person with a partner. Shadow work needs to be done as to why you chase these toxic connections, which sometimes is rooted from the way you viewed the partnership of your parents.

Lilith in the 8th: In the house of death and loss, Lilith is put to face the extremes. Each time they are in a transitional phase in their lives, they get kicked out of their paradise. These individuals understand the darker sides of life and are somewhat good at navigating their shadow. Shadow side can often take things to the extreme when they are out of control. Really good at understanding the taboo and being okay with things that are scarier for other people. A necessary need to make peace with inner demons and resolving past psychological conflicts. While they are able to easily exude a seductive persona, sex can be a harsh topic for them to feel comfortable with. Losing their virginity might have been a monumental experience that shifted the way they act in their lives. There is a need to work on resolving issues with sex and not being afraid of it . Also, you might be into some fetishes that you feel the need to keep hidden from other people. Hiding is a big coping mechanism for them, whenever they feel like the world rejects them, they bury themselves down in shadows to not be seen. A distinct relationship with death, some hold huge guilt for being unphased by death, while others worry about their own deaths. If a family member had died, you might feel guilty for not being sad or crying at the funeral. These people can mourn their innocence a lot, thinking of a time they were untouched by the world around them. During transitional phases of your life, you could be vilified and demonized for acting differently. Might have had a dark aesthetic or emo phase during your teen years. Change can be a scary thing for you and you could harbor strong resistance towards new possibilities. This mainly comes from the scrutiny you’ve felt by other people. Learn to embrace the taboo and understand change will only allow you to reclaim your power.

Lilith in the 9th: These individuals hold a complex relationship with religion and belief systems. Growing up, they likely experienced a religious environment that instilled fear and submission to authority. It's possible they had overly religious parents who prioritized adherence to faith, rather than showing genuine love and understanding for their children. As you mature, there's a tendency to reject traditional systems of beliefs for more esoteric philosophies, helping you find empowerment through alternative spiritual paths. Although shifting your beliefs will allow you to have a sense of freedom, remnants of past religious trauma still linger in your mind. Guilt for what you believe in is a big focus for this placement. They often find themselves at odds with mainstream perspectives, feeling a sense of alienation and struggling to fit in. There's a tendency to doubt their intelligence and the information they know. This struggle extends to academic pursuits as well, where they may feel out of place and struggle to connect with their peers. Moving away from their area of upbringing can be liberating, allowing them to explore their shadow aspects and embrace their darker side through travel and adventure. In doing so, they may discover a newfound magnetism and allure, attracting others to their path towards self-discovery.

Lilith in the 10th: In the house of public career, Lilith exerts a strong influence on one's outward image and persona. When in public settings, you often see people being easily magnetized towards you. If Lilith is conjunct the Midheaven (MC), it can signify experiences of unwanted attention, including catcalling. There's a deep-seated fear of being seen, stemming from the difference between your public persona and true self-image. Overexposure to the public eye can lead to discomfort, particularly in career fields where others seem to dominate or overshadow you. There is a natural ability to exude sensuality that others find intriguing. They may develop a reputation for sensuality and allure, which can intimidate others, particularly men, due to the inherent power they radiate. Despite the fantasization, they may resent the objectification and sexualization. In professional settings their bosses may even attempt to take advantage of them. This placement can also indicate stage fright and social anxiety, causing them to prefer the sidelines rather than the spotlight. An unbalanced version of this placement would be sabotaging yourself when it comes to your career. Promoting bad behavior so that you can gain the upper advantage in situations. It's crucial for them to be vigilant against exploitation by authority figures and to properly navigate professional relationships and contracts. Despite potential misconceptions about their character, individuals with this placement must embrace their authenticity and prioritize their own career aspirations over societal expectations. Your that b*tch for real, and you cannot allow the public opinion of you to dictate who you are. Also, Lilith in the 10th house may signify a challenging relationship with their father, involving absence, mistreatment, or attempts at control. This further fuels aspirations to become a successful person, in order to prove their farther wrong. Embracing their power and authenticity is important for success and fulfillment in the professional world.

Lilith in the 11th: Friendships are never easy with Lilith in the 11th. Despite outward display of support, these individuals frequently encounter betrayal from those they consider close allies, discovering that supposed friends harbor secret animosity and ulterior motives towards them. Friends could make jokes about insecurities you have, while accusing you of being soft for finding offence. Your secrets are not the safest within your social networks, they are like blind items ready to spill all the tea about your personal life. This atmosphere of distrust can lead to a cautious approach to forming friendships, resulting in a preference for family and romantic relationships over the unpredictability of friendships. Despite these challenges, individuals with this placement often gravitate towards unconventional or marginalized groups of people. Finding companionship in the outcasts who defy societal norms. They may become strong advocates for the rights and liberation of marginalized groups, focusing on the need for women's rights and the empowerment of societal underdogs. So while friendships may be met with much difficulty, these individuals create meaningful connections with fellow non-conformists in society. Finding solidarity in their shared struggles, leading to finding community outside of Eden.

Lilith in the 12th: Individuals with Lilith in the 12th house tend to keep Lilith's energy to the depths of their subconscious mind. They are often unaware of its magnetic, rebellious, and sexually charged nature. May doubt their own sexuality and seductive capabilities, feeling overshadowed by others charm. However, when in solitude, Lilith emerges to confront them about their inner shadows and demons. This often leads to solitary battles with their deepest fears and insecurities. Sleep issues are common with this placement, as they may struggle to maintain a stable sleep routine. May prefer the quiet solitude of the night for introspection and self-discovery. In their dreams, they often confront scenarios designed to evoke feelings of inadequacy and shame, forcing them to confront their inner vulnerabilities. They can be drawn towards dream working, meditation, shifting and exploring unique ways to access their subconscious mind. By using the arts, they can transmute fears and underlying issues in their mind to a reservoir of creativity. You can often see their shadow portrayed boldly in their art. Also, these individuals are often empathetic and hold nonjudgmental view towards the shadows of other people. Overall, through uncovering their darkness, Lilith in the 12th house can lead to spiritual growth and artistic development when integrated unapologetically.

____

Remember to look at the aspects to Lilith in your chart. Since it is an astrological point & asteroid, it doesn't hold as much significance compared to the planets. So aspects allow you to know how much of this energy can be brought up to the surface. Also, this reading is for all versions of Lilith in the chart.

-your Star Darling

(Portrait of Simonetta Vespucci, by Piero Di Cosimo)

[noxtivagus]

i love love ffxiv sm fr (to the edge)

[toastykaykes]

Paint it Black (Ch. 1)

Minors DNI: 18+ Logan Howlett x Mutant! Reader

Summary: The meeting doesn't go as planned, your past comes back to haunt you. Only this time, your called to fight. Word Count: 1526

“(f/n), please come in. How was your day?” Professor Xavier greets you with his usual warm, kind smile as you step into his office. His voice, though calm, carries the weight of his authoritative role.

“Like always,” you respond, settling into one of the plush leather armchairs positioned in front of his desk. “They don’t know how much I enjoy teaching them, but it’s best not to let them know. Can’t have them thinking I’m some big softy now, can I?”

Charles lets out a soft, genuine laugh, glancing up from his paperwork. “No, of course not. That would be downright disastrous if they found out.” His eyes twinkle with amusement, reflecting his understanding of the delicate balance you maintain.

Your gaze drifts toward the large windows behind Charles, catching a glimpse of the students playing outside on the grass. The scene outside is a stark contrast to the intensity of the discussions that usually take place inside. “Am I just early, or was the meeting canceled tonight?” you ask, your discomfort evident. You long to be in your pajamas, curled up and away from the formal attire that feels increasingly restrictive.

“And here I thought you just wanted to enjoy my company,” Charles remarks playfully, causing a soft laugh to escape you. “They should be here soon. You, dear, just have a talent for arriving early. Not that I’m complaining.”

A flush of warmth rises to your cheeks at his statement. You appreciate his kindness, even if you feel undeserving of it. “Likewise, Professor.”

A comfortable silence falls over the room, the only sound being the soft scratch of his pen against paper. The familiar tranquility of Charles’s office wraps around you, offering a brief respite from the storm of thoughts swirling in your mind. Your eyes close for a moment, your head leaning back against the chair, savoring the peace before the chaos begins.

Charles’s gaze softens as he observes you. “You do know if you ever need someone to talk to, I’m here (f/n). I know you’re a very private person. Just know you don’t have to be alone.”

Your eyes drop to your hands, fingers nervously picking at one another. It’s a habit you’ve had for years, an involuntary reaction when anxiety rears its head. The quiet and darkness sometimes pull you back to a place of fear—back in that cell with those monsters. The thought of what you endured before finding refuge here is a heavy burden.

Charles knows some of the truth. He’s aware of your involvement with mutant trafficking, a dark chapter of your past revealed when he found you barely surviving on the side of the road. But the full details remain unspoken, a secret you guard fiercely. The idea of their reactions if they knew the extent of your past actions and choices is almost unbearable. You release a shaky breath, realizing how deeply his words resonate with your internal struggle. “I know, Charles.” The apology is unspoken but present.

Before Charles can offer more comfort, the door to his office swings open, shattering the peaceful atmosphere with a burst of noise. The team bursts in, their voices blending into a lively cacophony of playful bickering.

“Can you guys stop comparing those and be aware? We’re here for a meeting!” Ororo's voice rises above the din, trying to bring order to the chaos between Cyclops and the others.

“Well, look who beat us here,” someone remarks, though their identity is lost in the noise.

“Hi, guys!” you call out, managing a smile.

Scott, holding up a crumpled piece of paper, joins in the fray. “You wouldn’t have anything to do with this horrendous, unproportional, God-awful drawing I got from a student on the way over here, would you, (f/n)?” He presents the drawing of him firing his optic beams, clearly proud despite his grumbling.

Ororo chimes in, her voice smooth and calming. “Come on, you guys. You should be grateful any child considers you ‘heroes.’”

As the rest of the team filters in and finds their seats, your gaze drifts to the corner where he stands. His stance is relaxed but alert, suggesting he’s ready for action if needed. Even in the dim lighting, his muscular build is apparent, and the weariness in his features speaks of countless battles fought. His hair, tousled in a way that makes him seem almost softer, only adds to his intense allure.

When his eyes lock onto yours, the focus is piercing and palpable. His gaze is sharp and unwavering, cutting through the space between you with an intensity that feels almost tangible. You find yourself blushing under his scrutinizing stare and quickly turn your head forward, hoping to hide your embarrassment. Damn it, why does he have to be so... intense?

“Alright, everyone, there’s a matter that is extremely important we need to discuss,” Charles says, regaining the room’s attention. His tone shifts to a serious and resolute note. “We’ve received intelligence about a mutant smuggling ring known as Venos, operating in a remote location. They’ve been trafficking mutants and are involved in particularly egregious activities.”

The room falls silent, the gravity of the situation sinking in. Your heart sinks at the mention of the name. The cold dread that follows makes your blood run icy. No, not this.

“I’ve invited Logan here to assist with his combat knowledge and mission expertise. I will be using Cerebro to locate survivors and pinpoint their location. I need everyone to stay alert and train accordingly.”

Logan’s expression darkens as he grumbles, “You really think this is gonna be easy? I’ve seen what these guys can do. We need to be ready for anything.”

“Which is exactly why we’re putting together a team. And you will be training them all. Thank you again for volunteering,” Charles responds.

Logan’s frustration is palpable as he mutters a curse under his breath and abruptly exits the room, slamming the door behind him. His departure leaves an uneasy silence in his wake.

The conversation among the remaining team members and Charles continues for a few more minutes. You look down at your hands, feeling the weight of dread settle in. The thought of facing those from your past—people who are still operating, still victimizing others—makes your chest tighten. This mission isn’t just about justice; it’s about confronting your own demons.

Charles eventually dismisses everyone with a warm gesture. “I don’t wish to keep any of you longer than necessary. Go and enjoy your evening. Wonderful job today, everyone.”

As the team begins to file out, you head toward the door, only to be stopped by Logan’s abrupt, gruff voice. “Hey,” he calls, his tone demanding attention. “Got a minute?”

Startled by his sudden approach and the harshness in his voice, you hesitate. “Um, sure. It’s Logan, right? What’s up?”

Without waiting for a more formal invitation, he motions for you to follow him to a quieter part of the hallway. His steps are purposeful, almost impatient, as he leads you away from the main area.

Once in a more secluded corner, he leans against the wall, crossing his arms in a way that highlights his imposing, muscular build. His eyes lock onto yours with a challenging glint.

“Listen,” he begins, his tone direct and uncompromising, “I don’t know you well, but when Chuck started talking about this mission, you looked like you were about to crumble. If you’re not serious about this, don’t bother. I don’t need anyone who can’t pull their weight.”

His blunt words sting, and you bristle at his assessment. It’s clear he doesn’t mince words, especially when it comes to evaluating his teammates.

“I was just processing everything,” you reply, trying to keep your voice steady. “It’s a lot to take in, especially since it’s my first mission. I don’t usually do missions.”

Logan’s eyes narrow, scrutinizing your response. “Processing is fine, but if you’re going to be part of this team, you need to be ready. I don’t want anyone getting hurt because they weren’t prepared.”

His harshness is tempered by a hint of something—perhaps a begrudging respect or concern. You meet his gaze with determination. “I understand. I’ll do my best to catch up and be ready. I won’t hold you back.”

Logan gives a curt nod, his mouth twisting into a snarky smirk. “Yea, sure, bub.”

With that, he pushes off the wall and heads down the hallway, his heavy boots echoing in the corridor. The encounter leaves you feeling a mix of apprehension and resolve. Despite his gruff demeanor, it’s clear that you need to prove yourself. And his harshness, while tough to take, has lit a fire under you.

“It’s (f/n),” you call after him, but he doesn’t acknowledge your correction.

As Logan disappears around the corner, you take a deep breath, bracing yourself for the challenges ahead. You know you need to face this mission head-on—not just for the sake of the team, but to confront your own past and the scars it has left behind. The path won’t be easy, but you’re determined to prove yourself, no matter how hard it gets.

But first a drink.

[exhaslo]

Miguel who meets Reader in Alchemax, and learns that she's in the tech department and become friends.

Miguel that with the help of Reader (and Lyla) build the Gizmo to travel across dimensions, after revealing his identity as Spiderman.

Miguel that invited Reader to work for the Spider-society as he didn't want her to work for Alchemax. (He can't loose her too.)

Reader who becomes a safe space for Miguel, someone who to trust when the burden of the multiverse becomes too heavy.

Miguel who starts to fall in love with Reader, and is scared to get too attached because he might loose her.

Miguel who often thinks about Gabriella, and how much she would've loved Reader.

Fluff and angst? Sign me in.

SIGN ME UP TOOOOOOOO!!! Also, just going to make a small change for plot hehehe

Warning: None, just fluff. Slow-burn, angst, please give Miguel some love, mentions of death

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I can't lose this again!

I can't lose another person I care about!

The day you entered Miguel's life was honestly a godsent. Miguel had felt like his life was crashing down. He had lost his motive to do much after losing his one shot at a happy life. After losing his daughter. After losing what he thought was everything.

Miguel had been sitting alone in his lab, contemplating everything he has done.

Why can't I be allowed to be happy?

Miguel was ready to call it quits, but that was before you showed up. Lost and confused on your first day. Honestly, this was probably for the best. A good distraction for Miguel.

By the end of the day, you had thanked Miguel and wondered if you could possibly get more of his help in the future. Unable to say no, Miguel agreed.

You had brought a little light to his day.

--------

Each day you appeared before Miguel was another 'joyful' day. You were so kind and caring that no matter how Miguel was feeling, you just managed to make him feel better.

It felt almost selfish, but Miguel had requested you to work under him. He needed someone who could distract him. He wanted you to need him so that he felt useful. So that Miguel felt like there was still a reason to go on.

You were quite helpful. Miguel was honestly surprised by how well you knew your way around a machine. In his eyes, you were the best hire since him.

Don't leave me too.

------

As the days turned into weeks, Miguel had started to grow attached to you. You were making his life better by just being around. You had gained his trust and he with yours. It was purely by accident, but Miguel had started to reveal secrets to you.

It was embarassing.

But you just smiled and shared yours. Miguel had to resist a groan as he craved your smile; your attention; your being. You had become part of Miguel's life and he didn't want to lose you either. So, Miguel gave you an offer...

"(Y/N), I want you to work for me...at my other job." Miguel whispered as the two of you walked around the city of Nueva York.

"Ohhhhh, I get to be Spider-Man's helper! Count me in~"

"Huh? What? Since when have you known?" Miguel asked, quite shocked by your reaction. You just giggled to yourself,

"I got quite the eye, Miguel. I noticed quite a bit ago, buuuut, I was waiting for you to tell me."

Miguel was at a loss for words. You were just staring at him with a big ol' smile on your face. Feeling as if a heavy weight lifted off his shoulder, Miguel thanked you. You were giddy with joy and jumped onto Miguel, giving him a big hug.

Don't let go.

Miguel forced a chuckle as he held you, almost afraid to hug you back.

---------

Having you at the Spider Society was a great addition. You were like an angel for Miguel. Always there when he needed you. Always there when Miguel NEEDED you.

It was hard for Miguel to admit anything, but he knew for a fact that he loved you. You were always there for him when he needed a shoulder to lean on. When Miguel needed to vent his stress, you always gave him your ear.

The way your hands stroked his face whenever you tried to calm him down...was intoxicating.

The way your eyes sparkled as you kept eye contact with him was ever melting.

The soothing sound of your voice just made Miguel want to close his eyes and fall asleep in your embrace.

But what if I'm the only one who feels like this?

Miguel felt like he was standing on a lone mountain, watching everyone from above. Making sure that nothing fell out of place. His reach for you, ever so far.

"Hehe, Miguel, get down here and try out my new gadget," You called out.

"Gizmo," Miguel corrected.

Not wanting to waste a second, Miguel jumped down towards you. As you ran to him in glee, an image of Gabi took your place. Miguel shuddered as the blood drained from his face.

"Miguel? Are you alright?" You asked, your hand resting against his cheek, "You've look like you seen a ghost."

"Aye...for a moment...I did,"

Miguel held your hand, enjoying the warmth you gave. All of this was to protect you. Miguel could not fathom the thought of losing someone else he loved. If anything were to ever happen to you, then Miguel might just-"

"Hey, it's okay," You whispered, pulling Miguel into a hug, "You're hurting, but you don't have to do it alone. I'm here for you."

Don't let go, please.

Miguel inhaled sharply as he allowed himself to wrap his arms around your waist.

Don't leave me.

His head buried in your shoulder, inhaling your scent to calm him down.

Please, you're all I have.

Your soothing words calming him, bringing him back to his senses.

Miguel was going to make sure nothing ever happens to you. He was not going to have your blood on his hands. You had to stay alive for him. As much as Miguel wanted you, he knew that protecting you was more important than anything.

-------

You had gotten close to Miguel. Each day, Miguel craved more and more of your touch. You were perfect. If only Miguel had known better, than you would have been perfect for Gabi too. The two of you would have loved each other.

"You're overthinking again," You cooed as you planted yourself on Miguel's lap, "C'mon, help me fix this giiiiiizmo," You teased.

Miguel withheld a breathe as you placed yourself on top of him. His hands trembled slightly as he slowly placed them against your waist. He was hesitant, but Miguel rested his head against your shoulder, watching you tinker with the object.

"You seem to have it done," Miguel muttered. You turned your head to face his,

"I know, I just needed a comfy spot."

Miguel's eyes widen as you snickered towards his shocked expression. Almost at a lost for words, Miguel tried to think of something, but then you stopped his brain once more once you pecked his lips.

"Lyla, looks like I broke Miguel~" You chuckled.

I'll break for you. Anything for you.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

GIVE THIS MAN SOME LOVE PLEASE!!!!!!

Hope you enjoyed~

[kaledya]

Hii theere!! I REALLY love ur AU (and artstyle) especially Alastors n Serenitys realitionship there n I wanted to ask

1 if they met or talked before, for example at the overlords meeting

2 will the hotel somewhat find out that Alastor is Serenitys adoptive dad?(I would love to see their reaction😭)

3 n lastly, Is alastor an overprotective dad? if yes I would also really like to see him being overprotective of Serenity from Angels pørn talk or sum

I know ur prob busy making ur AU so it's understandable if you don't answer🔥

Byeee gaysss<3🫂

First of all, I am very happy that you like my Au's and my work!

1- this is an excerpt from part 2 of Arc 1 of my AU. here we see for the first time in the series the interaction between the two.

She know who he is but Alastor don't know who she is. she first saw Al's face at the overlord meetings and although his face is more demonic he still looks like his old self and the radio theme fits him Assuming his name is Alastor, Serenity was 90 percent sure but she didn't want to go to Alastor and say "hey what's up dad I'm the daughter you left because you died and now I've ended up in hell too" and she didn't want to fight him in case Alastor didn't believe her so she waited for the right moment.

2- Serenity reveals her identity to Alastor some time after she arrives at the hotel and the people at the hotel react to this, most of them are surprised, Charlie is crying on the sidelines, probably because of the emotional scene.

I plan to end with a scene like this when the two of them finally come together.

3- He's protective, but he can't be too protective because he knows Serenity won't like it (Serenity is over 100 years old and doesn't like feeling like a burden or being treated like a child in any way)

but still, in situations like Angel's jokes, Alastor starts to give out a menacing aura.

[whetstonefires]

Underrated element of where Jiang Cheng is re: wwx after everything is that they always had a sort of dual relationship. Two different relationship premises, superimposed on one another.

There's the one where they grew up together, as close as brothers, beating each other up and complaining and being one another's closest companions, sharing a bedroom as kids and eating at the same family dinner table, actively encouraged by Jiang Fengmian to interact as equals.

And then there's the one where Wei Wuxian was in service to Jiang Cheng's family. Not as a servant--Jiang Fengmian absolutely refused to do that, even if he couldn't adopt him. But as a disciple of Jiang Cheng's father and recipient of his charity, as Jiang Cheng's future right hand and most trusted subordinate.

It's a vertical relationship, intimate in its own way but with very strict expectations about what obligations flow in what directions; they are not identical and reciprocal as between friends and equals.

(It's my opinion that Jiang Fengmian's core deal was a deep-seated discontent with the hierarchies he was at the top of, without access to any way to actually deconstruct them or even coherently articulate his opposition. Wei Changze was his dear friend, and no one thinks that's a good enough reason for him to treat Wei Changze's son like his own, because Wei Changze was also his servant, and you can't make that circle square. That's not a way you're allowed to love.)

Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian were like brothers; Wei Wuxian served Jiang Cheng.

The personal relationship was always the most important one. To them, in their hearts. But it was the other one that was real, that had weight in the world.

And it's important to understand that neither can be held up as more factual than the other, even though they conflict. Both relationships existed, and had power.

So then when Jiang Cheng chose to hate Wei Wuxian and articulate his grudge against him, he chose to do it in the language of fealty. Because as far as he knew, his case there was secure, watertight, and it wouldn't expose him emotionally or politically.

And those are the terms in which he's been condemning him all this time: for abandoning the Sect, for ingratitude, for lack of loyalty.

For fuckups, too, and poor judgment, but some of that now turns out to have been justified and some of it was mostly the fault of enemies behaving badly, or even Jiang Cheng himself allowing himself to be pushed into making unworthy choices.

And it was all for his sake.

The thing, the thing in my opinion, about what Wei Wuxian did, about the core transfer and his silent self-destruction around keeping it secret, is that that is a hideous thing to have done between two people who love each other, as an act of love. Beautiful, but awful. As the man who was like a brother to him, Jiang Cheng has a great deal of standing to object to it.

But as an act of vassalage, it's basically perfect.

If Wei Wuxian were only what he formally was to Jiang Cheng, if he is interpreted through a lens of fealty and obligation, he did exactly what he should have done, and went beyond what duty actually required. And went to his death silently, allowing himself to be judged, taking all the burden on himself rather than let harm come to his lord.

Like, obviously Jiang Cheng was harmed by the part where Jin Zixuan got manslaughtered and Jiang Yanli walked into the line of fire in situations where Wei Wuxian was resorting to violence and probably shouldn't have, but those are one step removed from the core issue. In terms of Wei Wuxian's intentional choices around Jiang Cheng himself, at the times he was feeling betrayed and abandoned Wei Wuxian was in fact being impossibly, poetically loyal, an absolute cliche about it.

But only in terms of the hierarchical form of their relationship.

Which means that even though Jiang Cheng has a lot of reasons to still be mad at Wei Wuxian, his actual complaints that he's centered for thirteen years are basically wiped out by the revelation of Wei Wuxian's sacrifice.

Wei Wuxian was in fact doing the tragic hero loyal vassal thing, which very much includes being misunderstood and slandered by the world. (Chenqing as a name choice absolutely references this expectation, and the idea that Jiang Cheng specifically will never understand that Wei Wuxian was trying to help him first and foremost all along; he is not subtle.)

The debts Jiang Cheng has been spitefully calling in and considering defaulted were already long paid.

So if at this point Jiang Cheng keeps pursuing that same line of rhetorical attack, now that he knows, he'll be putting himself morally in the wrong, and he knows it. But if he pivots to something else, he'll both be signalling the shape of that secret to the entire world and looking like a prize idiot.

Which is already how he feels.

To actually address the remaining grievances between them, which are considerable, would require releasing those safe, open grudges to Wei Wuxian's face and then reclaiming him as a loved one. Which is, one could fairly say, more than anyone could expect.

Which is why Wei Wuxian told him he didn't have to.

Which leaves Jiang Cheng at something of an impasse.

[luciennelune]

I'm supposed to be sleeping but my brain has decided to list out all of the Chain's deepest fears instead :) So here's each boy and the thing he's most afraid of:

Time - Being forgotten or abandoned. Specifically because of how often this happened in his adventures, how he constantly made connections with others only for it all to be undone and get treated like a stranger by people he considered friends.

Legend - Losing his loved ones. He's suffered the deaths of so many people he cares about, he's not sure he could handle it again. Emphasis on the fact that he's scared of them dying, not just being separated from them or parting ways. It's the finality of death that scares him, the idea that he'd never be able to get them back.

Four - Losing his sense of self. He heavily values his identity and all the things that make him himself. Everything from his flaws to his skills to his habits. He dreads the thought of being put into a mould or forced to fit in with everyone else. Even something like wearing a uniform can make him uncomfortable because he feels like it's stifling his personality.

Hyrule - Death. He's spent so much of his life in survival mode that he struggles to switch out of it. He can be overly sensitive to minor threats, always anxious about basic things like food, shelter, water. If he feels like he's in a dire situation, there's about a 50-50 chance he'll either hyper focus or panic about what to do. Either way, he will desperately fight to stay alive, no matter what methods he has to resort to.

Warriors - Lack of control. He needs to know what's happening at all times. He needs to know what might happen, what he can do about it, and what the outcome could be. The minute something happens that he genuinely can't predict or change in some way, he starts to shut down.

Wild - Confinement/Lack of freedom. He has an innate need to travel and explore, constantly moving from one place to another whenever he feels like it. In a less physical sense, he also values his freedom to make decisions for himself. Being denied this freedom will cause him to lash out and rebel.

Sky - Wasting time. He values every minute and every second of the day. If he's not able to be working towards a goal or putting time towards things he cares about, then he's spending it resting to preserve his energy. While he doesn't have to be moving constantly, he does feel a lot of pressure to use his free time on important people or hobbies. He gets restless and impatient when he can't.

Twilight - Being useless. He was raised to help others whenever he can, and he almost always can. As a result, though, he feels like he needs to step in and help all the time. Being unable to do so makes him anxious and overbearing. It doesn't matter how small the task, he needs to have some kind of burden he can carry to make life easier for somebody else.

Wind - Disappointing the people around him. Wind is an overachiever. He strives to exceed the expectations placed on him. He goes out of his way to do big, incredible things, because he desperately wants to make his loved ones proud. The thought of doing the opposite: upsetting them, or disappointing them, makes him withdraw into himself.

[adore-laur]

WINDS OF CHANGE

— here’s an update on dad harry & the fam <3 please reblog/comment, or i will haunt you

——

You've been dreading this day since March began.

Every time you passed the calendar on the refrigerator, you averted your eyes so you didn't see the specific date circled with the words "Lovebug's First Day" written inside it.

Time ticked by in an unyielding manner. Like an apex predator lying in wait, it crept up on you and pounced, leaving you disoriented, helpless, and wounded. You couldn't mentally process the breakneck speed of reality sprinting straight at you. When you merely blinked in a daze, another month unfurled, leaving no chance to recover.

The day arrives with a strong western wind and a brilliantly bright sunrise that mocks your low spirits. You're awake before anyone else, which is rare. Sleep evaded you last night, your eyes rejecting the heaviness that always comes with sleeping in Harry's warm embrace. The restlessness was paired with a fierce ache clutching your heart and holding on tight until the early morning.

At almost four years old, your eldest daughter is attending preschool today. After being a stay-at-home mom since she was born, you're finally setting her free to grow somewhere new. It was always in the cards, considering you would like to get back to working part-time to help provide for the family. You love bonding with and nurturing both your girls, but you're eager to put your brain to use in a different environment. It's time to return to other identities besides being a mother and a wife.

You begin brewing coffee, then open the kitchen curtains to allow the sun to pour in. For some odd reason, the atmosphere feels different. It feels like your first day of school all over again, where there's that nostalgic zest in the air fused with an underlying fear of the unknown. It's impossible to describe lucidly, but its presence is strongly felt nonetheless.

Today will forever change your family's routine, and it will make you want to rip your hair out and also burst with pride. There's a tug-of-war match taking place in your heart right now. Your nerves feel frayed; anxiety's merciless hands are harshly plucking at the threads. It's like fighting a biological battle with no shield—your brain is futile against all the attacks.

The sound of the wooden stairs creaking dissolves your whirlwind thoughts. Harry appears, wearing a snug black sweater and athletic shorts. He yawns, the sparkling sunlight accentuating his face gorgeously—the neatly trimmed scruff on his jaw he kept throughout winter; the tired shape of his eyes; the wispy way his hair curls after his morning shower. It's a blessing to be able to see the serene side of him that just woke up and isn't burdened by stress.

"Hi, sweetheart," he says, taking the mug of black coffee you prepared for him and sipping with an appreciative hum. "Both kids are still asleep."

You simply nod, afraid that if you speak, your poise will crumble instantaneously. Your hands distract themselves by lighting the wick of a sandalwood-scented candle. A part of you falsely hopes the comforting aroma will calm you down, but you know nothing will break through the full-body anxiety you're currently experiencing.

"No cuddles in bed this morning?" Harry asks curiously, coming up behind you and wrapping his arms around your waist. He smells like his sage and citrus body wash. "I missed you. Thought we'd have a little cry session before leaving."

Did he really have to mention the elephant in the room? You force your tears to save their arrival for later and say, "Sorry. I'm just trying to avoid crying as much as possible today."

His sigh is weighted with emotion as he sets his mug down and massages your shoulders. "I'm losing my composure already," he admits, laughing weakly.

At least he's in the same boat as you. Being a father has cracked him open in the best way possible—he's more softened than ever, and these parenting milestones always make him tenderhearted.

You rest your head against his chest and say, "This is harder than I thought it'd be." Every outcome you predicted involved an aching heart. Now, in the thick of it, you're defenseless.

"Remember our first night at home with her?" Harry asks, applying pressure with his thumbs to get rid of the muscle knots in your shoulder blades.

"Yeah. You woke me up because she had the hiccups."

He groans into your neck, almost like he's reliving the panicked moment. "I was so scared something was wrong."

You recall opening your eyes in the dead of night, the mellow lamplight illuminating Harry's troubled expression. Your baby, so small and precious in his arms, had harmless hiccups leaving her mouth. While you were half asleep, you reassured him by saying it was probably because she fed for too long. He agreed, yet still brought her to bed and gently rubbed her tummy until they were gone. You two were learning and tag-teaming through pure exhaustion. It was tough, but the rewards came in refreshing waves.

"Then she threw up on me," Harry adds, shaking his head fondly.

You turn around and slide your palms under his sweater, feeling the gloriously warm skin of his sculpted stomach. "Remember when she said her first word?"

He smiles reminiscently. "Mama."

"You started crying, if I'm not mistaken."

"Because she recognized you. It was special."

"Are you surprised she didn't say Dada first?"

"No, considering I talked about Mama all the time around her." His knuckle strokes under your chin. "Still do."

You hum thoughtfully, welcoming the pleasant memories that replay behind your closed eyelids. "Our girl is all grown up now. What are we going to do?"

Harry tilts your head to kiss the sensitive spot behind your ear. "You and I will be okay. It'll take time, but we'll eventually sink into this new normal."

"You think so?"

"I know so. Our love is steadfast, and nothing will ever change that." He hugs you in an all-consuming way—it's intimate and infuses you with safety, warmth, and a hopeful spark that everything will patch together the way it's supposed to.

——

When the preschool comes into view, you get slammed with immediate sadness.

You toured it with Harry months ago, ensuring it was where you wanted your daughter to be during the weekdays. The curriculum focuses on outdoor learning and is nestled in a safe neighborhood only ten minutes from the beach house. The teachers, classrooms, and overall energy of the place made you less anxious, but now it's back with a vengeance, eating away at your calm facade.

Kids linger outside the building, the sun shining on the blacktop that's scribbled with chalk drawings. A few participate in supervised hopscotch, while others twist their bodies nervously. A gated playground area is off to the left, with colorful swings, slides, and seesaws. To the right is a woodsy area with a large sandbox and flower beds. The stone pathway is decorated with little handprints that must have been dipped in paint. It's darling.

In the rearview mirror, you watch your daughter kick her legs in excitement and hug her tiny ladybug backpack, all ready to go. She woke up happy as a clam and impatiently scarfed down the big breakfast Harry had made her. After that, Harry braided her hair while sitting on the front porch, the March winds and briny air bringing the spring season with them. Pictures were taken, hearts were broken a bit more, and then you all were off to part ways.

Harry to the restaurant; you to your part-time job. No babies to look after, just an empty house waiting to be filled with love again.

Your youngest daughter, who's ten months old now, sleeps peacefully in the car seat. She's getting bigger every day, and it's a double whammy to see both of your children become more cognizant. You want to curse time for being such a thief.

She'll be dropped off at the nearby daycare center next, which will further twist the knife. It's possible for separation anxiety to occur, and while you can handle it, your baby girl's reaction will be a mystery. You sincerely hope the transition from home to somewhere unfamiliar will be smooth sailing.

Harry parks the car and looks over at you unwaveringly. "It's now or never," he whispers.

You draw in a deep breath, then exhale slowly. "Let's go."

Stepping out of the car, you open the back door and let your daughter hop out. You'd walk her to the door, but you want to stay near your youngest.

As she bounces with anticipation, you open her backpack and double-check that she has everything—her lunch box, a change of clothes, sunscreen, and the comfort blanket she's had since she was born. You zip it back up and then unhurriedly help her arms into the straps, trying to stall what happens next.

Harry, never the one to procrastinate, kicks things into gear by crouching and cradling her head. "You have the best day, all right? Be kind, make friends, and have fun. I'll be picking you up later."

"Can we eat ice cream after?" she asks, clasping her hands and standing on her tiptoes. "And play on the beach?"

He kisses her forehead. "We can do whatever you want, lovebug."

You can envision it now. Harry will bring the girls home, exhausted from work. He'll make dinner and wait for you, then you'll all sit at the kitchen table and attentively listen to her talk about her day in great detail. Then, as the sun sets, he'll entertain her by the shore until he insists on bedtime. Come tomorrow, he'll do it again with the same steadfast devotion because that's what good fathers do.

"We love you so much," you say, petting her braided hair.

"Love you," she replies distractedly, eagerly glancing at the front door. "I gotta go now, Mommy. Bye, Daddy."

She turns, ready to break free, but Harry stops her and says, "Not so fast, little lady. Give us some love to get through the day."

She shyly hugs him. She's growing out of her clingy tendencies and becoming more independent, and you can tell by Harry's sad smile that he recognizes it too. She briefly hugs your leg before running to the front door, where teachers are waiting with enthusiastic expressions and name tag stickers.

Harry slowly stands, never taking his eyes off her. He's more adjusted to not seeing her as much during the week than you, but you know the sentiment of her starting school still weighs heavy on his heart. After watching her disappear, he slings his arm around your shoulders and guides you to the car.

Inside is where you fall apart. The first cry that escapes has Harry blowing out an unsteady breath and embracing you. Against your neck, he sniffles, letting his piled-up emotions finally fall to pieces. He's not much of a crier, but when he does, it's a raw sight to see.

"Reservation for a cry session? Table for two?" he says humorously, rubbing your back and lightly scratching it.

"We're so lame," you whisper, gripping his sweater like a vice.

"God, I know. I even packed tissues." Harry takes an on-the-go pack out of his pocket, plucks two tissues out, and wipes both his and your tears with them.

"Eventually, we're going to have to do this again," you say. From the passenger seat, you peek at your baby girl and shoo away the thought—you still have more than enough time with her before she starts school.

Harry kisses your cheek. "One day at a time, honey."

Undoubtedly, this routine will get easier. It will become second nature, and you'll discover the exquisite simplicity of watching your children grow before leaving the nest and soaring through the sky.

They came into this world like a soft spring breeze, carrying seeds and dispersing them into your life. The roots emerged from under your home and flourished into a bountiful garden. Each day, there are new blossoms to admire and appreciate. And each day, you aim to help them thrive with support from Harry's sunshine.

Try as they might, the winds of change won't cause harm. Your family's roots are firm in the ground.

——

[madamevirgo]

Here I am, Here I remain.

Pairing: Lady Jessica x (f)reader

Words: 3.9k

Warnings: Spoilers!!, angst, fluff, Chani

A/N: So, I was absolutely not planning on writing a sequel to this, but some of you started asking, and my brain started working, and this came out at 3:30am. There will not be a third part to this, but this is of course not my last Lady Jessica work. Also, note that there are spoilers in this. I have seen Dune: Part 2, 5 times already so it's literally engraved in my brain and on my eyelids. I hope those who wanted a sequel to this little story of mine aren't disappointed. Big shoutout to the person who submitted the original request. If you haven't already, follow me on Twitter so we can be moots and talk about our faves :) Happy reading.

Part 1

After that night, there had been a noticeable shift in your relationship with The Reverend Mother. 

In public, you no longer walked five paces behind. It was more common to see you by her side or no more than a step behind, watching her back like a hawk. So much so so, that people had taken to calling you ‘The Shadow’ - the thought that people saw you as an extension of her, filled you with an indescribable amount of joy.

There was now a certain lightness to the Reverend Mother as if you were the missing piece to her complete acceptance of her new reality. She was quicker to laugh and seemed much more focused and involved in the fate of the Fremen. She had stopped talking to her belly so much as she turned to you, her confidante - sometimes you were more of a sounding board than anything, but you were more than happy to have her throw ideas at you if it helped her in any way. 

In private, things had also changed for the better. It was rare for there to be silence between you two, times in private were spent telling the other of life before each other; and in her case, how she was adapting to her new role and life. She told you of her parentage, she now knew the identity of at least one of her parents, and you had shared how Stilgar had raised you like his own daughter. You had developed a complicity that surpassed friendship, but you also weren’t sure how to describe this thing between you. ‘Friendship’ felt both like a gross oversimplification yet anything else carried an aura of delusion. The lingering looks, the gentle touches exchanged and the comfort that she provided, brought forth feelings that you hadn’t previously experienced. Every moment spent in her company seemed too short. 

It was because you had become so close emotionally, that it had been easy for you to notice oddities in her behaviour. She was more on edge, jumping at loud noises and snapping at the smallest thing. She also watched you as if you would disappear at any moment, which caused her to be clingy and on edge whenever you weren’t next to her. Pretty soon, you had concluded, that she had foreseen something. 

You had tried to broach the subject: “I see that something is troubling you, my lady.” you had whispered one day while you ate in the communal space. “Won’t you share the burden with me, so that you might breathe a little easier, at least?” she had frozen for a second, a change barely visible to untrained eyes, before relaxing.

“I cannot say.” she had said simply before continuing to eat. 

“You don’t deny that it is something?” you exclaimed silently. You had expected her to deny it. “Why won’t you tell me, it is clearly causing you to worry.” You were getting agitated now, and when you noticed some heads looking in your direction with veiled curiosity, you took a deep breath to calm yourself. 

“I have been cursed with knowledge.” she started slowly, quietly - collecting her thoughts as she spoke. “I see many different outcomes for many different decisions, and hear the voices of all those before me whispering in my head. I always worry, sometimes a bit more than usual. I can handle it, what I will not stand for, however, is you asking for things I cannot give.” You flinched, as she continued her rampage. “I cannot share everything with you; because sharing them will not do anything other than put a burden on your shoulder, a burden that I must carry alone.” she finished 

“Bu-” you started

“Enough!” was the command that came out of her mouth. The sheer force of the order had your body recoiling and your mind spinning, forcing you into silence. 

It took you a few seconds before you could regain your senses. You looked around in confusion, before setting your eyes on her, and the shock of the realization caused your eyes to open and your chest to heave. She had used the voice on you. 

She had used the voice on you. 

The communal room had never been so silent. Not even during nighttime, as there were always Fremen patrolling around. Yet, right now it was so quiet that you could hear your heart beating in your ears as your body felt hot with embarrassment, shock and hurt. You sensed a movement in front of you, but before she could say or do anything else, you had stood up and left. Not looking back, and avoiding the eyes that followed you out of the communal space. 

—------------------

Stilgar and Chani were rarely, if ever on the same page. However, one thing that they could agree on, was that you were the best of them. You didn’t agree. Although you did try to control your anger, preferred to think before acting when possible and trusted until proven wrong, you could never escape the Fremen pride. 

The Reverend Mother, Jessica, had in just a second, taken away your free will and reduced you to a puppet. And she did it in front of your people. You were shaking with silent anger, your fists were clenched, and your nails were creating bloody half-moon cuts in your palms. Had it been any other weirding woman - had you been any other Fremen - you would have slit her throat. Instead, you walked away to calm yourself. 

Your steps guided you to your childhood home. You walked right in and slammed the door behind you, closed your eyes and leaned against it for support, before pushing forward with a harsh kick of your feet against the wooden entrance. 

“What did my door do to you?” You meant to go to your room and ruminate in peace, but the voice of your father had you enter the living room where he sat on a cushion he used for prayer and meditation. 

You stayed quiet as you paced up and down the living room, trying and failing to calm down. Never in your life had you been so angry. 

“First my door, now my floor. What is the matter with you?” you heard Stilgar ask, still you didn’t stop. It was only when he grabbed you by your shoulders that you stopped and let out a growl-like sigh. “Come, let’s sit and you can tell me what has angered you so,” he said as he led you to the couch.

You suddenly felt like a child again, like when you would have a nightmare or the other children would tease you to tears and you would run to him. He would sit you on his lap and hug you in his big arms and make everything better, everything would go away. 

Except now, you were an adult with grown-up feelings and responsibilities - and he couldn’t make this - whatever it was - go away. You still told him, about how you’d grown close to Lady Jessica and how she was worried about something, and how when you’d asked, out of concern, she’d used the voice on you. 

You expected him to get just as angry if not more than you, but he remained calm and thoughtful. 

Finally he said: “She said you were asking for things she couldn’t give?” he questioned. 

“Did you not hear the part where I said she used The Voice on me?” you asked in exasperation before getting up and resuming your pacing. 

“Do you know why I assigned you to her?’ he asked instead of answering your question.

“Because I’m your daughter and you trust me? Because I’m one of the best Fedaykin, because I’m a good diplomat? I don’t know father.” You snapped. He was angering you even more. 

“Yes, to all these.” He agreed as you sighed. “But, the real reason I assigned you to the Reverend Mother is because she needs a friend and you are the only person I know who wouldn’t be judgemental, or rude. You would give her a chance before anything else.” He explained as you stopped your pacing to listen to him. “The Bene Gesserit see more than we do, because of their training. A Reverend Mother sees even more. She is cursed with all the knowledge of the past and that of the future while seeing all the outcomes possible. It’s a big responsibility.” He said lost in thought. “It makes for a lonely life. One I have forced her to live. I guess it was only right that I gave her something to help her out.” he finished. 

“I can understand that, but that still doesn’t make up for her removing my free will like that,” You whisper as you sit next to him. 

“You have to understand that pushing her won’t do any good, and although you wish to help yoheru carry this load - you can’t. The only thing you can do is be there for her - by her side - and wait until she comes to you,” he said 

“When will that be?” You whispered 

“When she’ll be ready,” he replied. “Don’t sell yourself short, Y/n. You’ve been a very positive presence in her life.” he hesitated, “I believe that what hurt you the most is the fact that she said she might not be able to give you what you were asking for.” he started, “Perhaps you took it and applied it to some more…romantic feelings of yours.” he finished with a small smile, as I felt heat rush all over my body. 

“Stilgar!” You exclaimed in embarrassment 

“I may be getting old, but my eyes still work. I see how you’ve been around her. This will be something to acknowledge when you’re ready.” he finished and I sighed.

“Thank you, father,” You say with a soft smile, which he returns.

Our moment was interrupted by a loud noise that shook the entire yali, followed by screams. You were immediately on your feet as you rushed out.

Your heart beating widely in your chest. 

—--------------------------------------------

Chaos was everywhere you looked. Children and adults alike rushed to escape the Sietch or to find loved ones lost in the panic as you were being attacked. 

You helped where you could, but you only had one thing on your mind, and that was to find Jessica. You wanted to believe that she had been rushed out by the fanatics of the prophecy, but you wouldn’t leave until you were absolutely sure. Why did I run away like a petulant child? You asked yourself. You’d never forgive yourself if something had happened to her. 

You ran from corner to corner as you helped some of the men and Fedaykin lead the people out to the rocks outside. Stilgar wasn’t too far and was shouting orders for the people to stay calm as rushing would only make things worse. 

You could see some bodies already lathering the floor as people passed you with missing appendages, tears in their eyes and their skin covered in blood. You probably didn’t fare much better - dust had covered your skin and your sight had been hindered. Still, you pushed through. I have to find her.

“Y/n!” You looked to Stilgar. “Get out of here!” He shouted and you shook my head, he sighed and you continued searching around for her, and helping people to the exit. 

From the corner of your eyes, you saw a large boulder rushing towards a little girl who was crying and screaming for her parents. You ran, as fast as you could and swept her up in your arms and out of the way before the rock could hit her. A woman who must have known her, grabbed her from you, and you urged them towards the exit. 

Still, you couldn’t find her, and the attacks didn’t stop. Most people were out, and you hadn’t caught a glimpse of her or even heard a mention of her name. Why did I leave her?

You suddenly found yourself on the ground as you were knocked down. You watched with blurry eyes, as you were trampled on as feet rushed past you. No one stopped to help you. Before you surrendered to the darkness, you heard Stilgar’s voice screaming your name, and your last thought was to Jessica. I hope she’s safe. Please be safe.

—--------------------

You slowly open your eyes to darkness, and for a moment you were afraid you had lost your eyesight. You slowly sat up, every bone in your body protesting and looked around before letting out a sigh of relief. You were in a cave and could see and hear the hustling around.

You got up, your movements slow and tentative before walking out and into the desert. You could see the damage that had been done, people around you were crying, and shouting. So many lost, who had done this? You could feel anger resurfacing in you, and you were suddenly reminded that Jessica was still missing. 

All around you, people were busy doing something as you looked for her. You noticed Shishakli some paces away and quickly walked to her. She noticed you and pulled you in a hug, only slightly hurting you.

“Thank the Maker,” she whispered as you closed your arms around her. “You scared me, Stilgar and Chani have been so worried. We all were,” she said as you separated from the hug, but her hands stayed on your forearms.

You felt a slight pang of guilt at not having spared a thought to her and the others.  

“What happened?” You asked, your voice coming out hoarse.

“Harkonnens” she growled. “They used some primitive explosives on us. Caught us by surprise. We’re treating our wounded before making our way South. A council has been called.” She explained. 

“Is Stilgar in any shape to speak?” You asked in concern, looking around for him. 

“He looks shaken up, but he’ll be okay. I hear he’s pushing for Usul to speak,” she said and you looked at her in shock. Only leaders could speak in the South. 

Surely - No. Paul wouldn’t. Of that you were certain. You had spent enough time with his mother to know what he was and wasn’t capable of. A voice in the back of your head whispered: Paul wouldn’t, but what about the Kwisatz Haderach?

You banished those thoughts. And focused on your friend and what you really cared about. 

“Where is the Reverend Mother?” you asked, the concern and urgency detectable even to your ears. Without a word, Shishakli pointed behind you, where you could see two people standing at the very top of a rock. 

“Her and Usul are discussing as she waits for her palanquin to be ready to leave.” You thanked her, before rushing towards the two Atreides. 

You arrived as their conversation ended and Paul was leaving. He nodded at you in greeting.

“I’m glad you’re okay,” he said, with a glance back at his mother. “Take care of my mother and sister for me, will you?” he asked as you nodded. The ‘with my life’ was implied. And he left, seemingly satisfied with your answer. 

You were left alone with his mother. You took a breath before looking at her, she was staring right back at you. Her eyes said more than you could understand. Something about the way she looked at you was different. 

“I’m sorry,” 

“I’m sorry” 

You smiled as you spoke at the same time. “No, wait. I’ll go first.” you started. “I’m sorry I left like that, I was angry. I’m still angry, but I got so scared when I couldn’t find you. I looked around until I passed out, not kn-” You were cut off as you felt yourself rambling.

Jessica had crossed the small distance between you and pulled in a hug, her head resting in the crook of your neck. You held your breath for a moment, before wrapping your arms around her and breathing in her scent. You could finally breathe normally, for the first time since breakfast. 

“I wish you hadn’t looked for me,” she whispered in your neck, making you shiver. “I had to be dragged away. I was so worried when the first attack hit and I couldn’t find you anywhere, I watched and waited for you to come out - and when you finally did...” she hugged you tighter, before stepping away and staring into your eyes. “I’m sorry I used The Voice on you, I shouldn’t have done that. I will never do that again. Not to you.” she whispered the last part as she cupped your cheek with her hand. 

“Thank you,” You whispered, moved by her heartfelt apology and by the fact that she had been so worried about your safety.

She smiled before becoming more serious. “Y/n,” she started, and you looked at her prompting her to continue. “I-” A voice cut her off and you put some distance between you.

“Your palanquin is ready, Reverend Mother.” said a voice at the foot of the rocks, and she thanked the man. 

“In the South,” she said with a sigh. “Everything will come to a head in the South; there, we will talk,” she said as she started her descent to the palanquin. 

—------------------------------------

Except you didn’t talk. Things had been too busy for you to have a moment alone, long enough to put your cards on the table. 

She had become simultaneously more secretive and more caring. And then, Paul had died, and she had remained oddly quiet. 

This was the woman who worried about him daily, while he was fighting with the Fedaykin, yet she stared emotionlessly at the pale face of her firstborn, while others all around wept. Your eyes widened in understanding when Chani came storming in, how not to believe when you are faced with the hard cold facts? Paul was the Kwisatz Haderach, the Lisan al Gaib, the Mahdi. And Jessica was not just a mere Reverend Mother. 

You were in a trance as you followed Chani into a room that had been assigned to her. You watched as she walked around the room, her anger loud and clear. 

“What are you doing?” you asked finally, pushing your thoughts aside to focus on her distress. 

“I’m leaving.” She said as she pushed her clothes into her bag. “I will not watch as we cheer and support our new oppressor. Even if it’s Paul, the man I love.” she said angrily and she harshly wiped a tear from her cheek. 

“I think that’s the problem,” you said softly. 

“What?” she asked as she continued packing and you made yourself comfortable on the bed. 

“The problem is, you love Paul,” you said louder as she looked at you. “You love Paul - that boy who has lost everything and doesn’t know who he is; you love Usul - the man you were trying to create, the one who was escaping his destiny. But are you willing to love the Mahdi, the Lisan al Gaib, and the Kwisatz Haderach?” you continued. “Are you willing to love and accept the person he has to become and the things that he has to do? Stand by his side?” Although you were speaking about her situation, the words echoed with you. 

The weight of the responsibilities which lay on Jessica’s shoulders had only now become clear, and you found yourself thinking about your role in her life, about your feelings.

“What are you doing here?” you looked up at the cold words uttered by Chani and saw the object of your thoughts standing in the doorway. She was dressed down in a simple robe, with no veil obstructing her face, letting you see the tattoos which only served to enhance her beauty. She was beautiful. She was Jessica, not the Reverend Mother with plans within plans - just Jessica. Your heart skipped a beat. 

Her eyes swept across the room, taking in the clothes thrown about and the bag nearly packed to the brim, before meeting your eyes for just a second and settling on Chani. “I came to thank you and wish you good luck in your ventures,” she said softly.

“I don’t need anything from you,” said Chani as she grabbed the rest of her clothes, before making her to the door. I got up to follow her and watched as she stopped next to Jessica. “I hope destroying your son was worth it,” she said angrily, before leaving. You tried to follow her out, but were stopped by a hand on your wrist, forcing you to look at the tattooed woman. 

“Can we talk?” she asked in that same soft tone. You looked at Chani quickly retreating before nodding. You would catch up. 

“What is it?” You asked in an even tone as you sat back down on the bed, effectively putting distance between you. 

“Are you thinking of leaving with Chani?” she asked, not wasting any time. You stared at her. You were considering it, yes. But you also didn’t want to leave her. She must have sensed your indecisiveness. “I’m sorry if you were put off by all that I had to do, and what I will have to do in the future to ensure that the prophecy is completed. I wish I could say this isn’t me, but I’ve been trained for this my whole life, and this is what I’ve become.” she took a deep breath, “There’s been a lot of confusion in my head lately, but one thing I know for sure is that I love you.” she whispered and your heart skipped a beat. “I wasn’t prepared to love you, or anyone for that matter, but I fell for you and only realized when it was too late.” she paused as if to collect her thoughts. “I’m not here to beg you to stay or maybe I am, I’d very much prefer if you did; if only to keep my heart whole. Whatever the case, I had to say it: I love you. Not like I loved my Duke; it’s different but just as strong, if not more. There isn’t any obligation linked to my love for you, yet here I am, and here I shall remain, with my heart in my hands for you to claim - should you want it or not, it’s yours.” she finishes quietly and you stayed quiet as you took the time to process what she just said.

“You are Jessica, loving, caring, funny, sweet, gentle and sensitive. You are a Bene Gesserit, a Reverent Mother, you are the mother of the Kwisatz Haderach: you are driven, controlling, unrelenting, and secretive.” With each word, you took a step until you were right in front of her. “You are all that, and I love you. I will not always agree with what you have to do, or understand, but I will still love you and stand by your side. So here I am, and here I shall remain.” You said, echoing her words. “I will take your heart and cherish it - if you’re willing to take mine and do the same,” You said softly as you felt tears run down your face. 

She looked at you so softly, and traced your cheek with her hand, just as gently, before pulling you impossibly close and whispering: “Your heart will be safe with me” before pressing her lips to yours in a searing kiss. 

The road ahead was patchy, but you would walk it forever if it meant you could stay by her side.

[bababerries]

Daniil Dankovsky’s internalized bigotry is really fascinating to me because he’s clearly someone with left leaning values who wants change and actively questions things. And he’s clearly a victim of oppression himself. But he’s also a famous white guy (potentially wealthy tho I feel like that aspect is debatable/up to interpretation with how money is in his storyline) with a lot of unchecked privilege over others he doesn’t fully recognize and I like how this is shown gameplay mechanic wise with how Clara and Artemy have struggles with the reputation mechanic but you never have an issue with that as Daniil unless you’re actively trying to lol.

It’s some nice discussion on moral purism because I feel like a lot of left leaning people don’t wanna dissect how a lot of us have internalized bigotry in some way shape or form and get defensive about confronting it. It’s easier to admit to the internalized bigotry however if it’s a minority you’re part of. Like it’s seen as more “inherently noble” it’s seen as more palatable and heroic to carry that burden on your shoulder where it gives the illusion that the only person you’re hurting is yourself. (I think I kinda see Artemy fitting this to an extent in a meta way (?) because he’s an internalized racist and his narrative feels like a commentary on like an avarage hero journy where he’s the underdog who struggles but overall comes on top and achieves a “happy ending” for everyone and oh he’s so noble for shouldering all these burdens on his own despite his suffering and even he believes this as he refers to himself as a hero but in reality his internalized self loathing and conservative brainwashing and pressure to live up to his dad has made him neglect his own interiority and his plethora of issues) and how I personally interpret Daniil I think he kinda sheds light on how people definitely have internalized bigotry for groups they don’t belong to because internalization is more complex then internalizing the ugly comments and actions people direct towards you for your identity but the seeds the world plants in us to hate those different from us. And how victim blaming is taught to us. I think a lot of people get defensive about confronting this part of themselves but it’s a very real thing. Sometimes good intentioned people do and say fucked up things

And I see this in Daniil’s story. I think it’s very fitting actually. He values freedom and freewill, he thinks scapegoating is horrible. And he has a lot of admirable values and wants to fight against a government that oppresses him. Him saving Clara on day 6 is one of my favourite character moments and it’s consistent how as an npc he always plays a part in helping you restore your protagonist damaged reputation. But as much as he wants to fly free he’s so imprisoned and oppressed and ends up mimicking the behaviours that he despises from those above

His language is often filled with racist and insensitive microaggressions like calling the kin savages and isidor having a “uncivilized air to him” I think here Daniil is mainly criticizing the kins violence which I don’t think he’s wrong to have an issue with and he has this issue with the town to talking about them in a similar way. But this language is targeted and offensive and uses racist terms conscious or not. I think it’s what makes some things with his dynamic with Artemy interesting to. They put a time limit on their friendship because the both of them understand they’re different and have different viewpoints on this dilemma but in the Haruspex route they do develop a genuine friendship so there’s definitely a tragic element to the fact that they just refuse to try to understand or ever consider what the other is saying or try to reach a conclusion together. I would argue to some extent all the healers acknowledge in some way they are simular and empathize with one another weather they want to acknowledge that or not. But they’re all too stubborn and prideful to ever try to propperly get a long and work together. And while Daniil likes and appreciates artemy he does not respect him. He says he does and perhaps Daniil thinks so himself but I don’t believe that. He is actively very dismissive and condescending towards Artemy. And it’s very insensitive how he talks down the kin to Artemy’s face. Only ever indulging him in his background when it benifits his plan to save the polyhedron. (I wanted to talk a bit on how he views twyrine and the panacea but my memory is a bit blurry on some of the specifics regarding his shifting feelings)

His classism is also interesting as he’s also a victim of it or it’s generally just heavily affected his life of having to work so hard and rise ranks to be someone important in order to actually make a positive change in the world. And even with his status he’s still picked on by the government and how the powers that he can so easily crush and shut down his lab, research and passion just because they feel like it. And it’s easy to interpret him going broke by just trying to keep Thanatica afloat. Daniil is egotistical but he also thinks highly of himself because he feels like he needs to be a responsible reliable person because that’s his job.

I remember thinking to myself “Daniil would be the kind of person who’s say what do you know you don’t have a degree in this” which he actually said in Marbles nest and yeah he would say that. Because he’d take it as a personal attack at how hard he worked to get where he is and an attack to his ego. He’d be offended on the behalf of himself. But in reality this is a really bad statement to make a lot of the time because education and knowledge shouldn’t be capitalized and gatekeeped. It’s insensitive to those who’ve gained knowledges through lived experience and unfair to those who don’t have the same luxuries as other people do and is just a very narrow minded view of intelligence. I think it can also beg the question that yeah I think Daniil is justified in a lot of the frustration he feels in the game at the town. He gets manipulated and abused a lot. But also a lot of people in the town didn’t have the same luxuries Daniil did. He has a lot of privilege and knowledge a lot of common folk in the town do not and kinda have to live in these circumstances. And it’s frankly also all they know. (Again I think Artemy’s ending kinda discusses this with the kids growing up to mindlessly fill their parents footsteps without questioning everything and reverting back to status quo)

I don’t think Daniil is stupid but he’s very flawed and also often will see things in black and white and get tunnel visioned because he wears his heart on his sleeve. He struggles with being empathetic/sympathetic and can be dismissive. He feels like he himself is misunderstood so he has difficulty giving people that same luxury because he himself feels denied of it but it ends up with him being self absorbed in such a way where he ends up hurting more people then doing good despite desperatly wanting to do the latter. I think the message of his ending captures this perfectly

(I do kinda wish his misogyny was written a little better especially since his route has themes of him having issues with the towns violent misogyny and Maria and Eva respectively being easily read as commentaries of misogynistic archetypes but there’s barely any lines of him saying misogynistic stuff in game all of them are basically a rude conversation ender and also just feel lazily written. I also don’t think he says anything as an npc irrc. It comes off more like old video game misogyny that feels “oh this character is an asshole and a man so we have to also make him misogynistic sometimes” then an intentional character flaw which really sucks since I do think you can write something interesting with it. Esp since I think Artemy’s misogyny is really interesting with how it plays into his ending and how racism and misogyny have a lot in common so it’s easy to conflate the herb brides treatment with his own)

[bau-drabbles]

haunted

emily, one of your close friends in the bau, comes back and after months of crying over her death you're not sure how to feel. it hurts the most when the deception also comes from aaron, the man you've loved for so long

a/n: idk how i feel about it. it's very rushed because half of it was deleted and i couldn't be bothered to go back and rewrite it properly.

aaron hottie angst again because his pain is so beautifully upsetting. kinda long so enjoy 🤍

part 2 :)

"everybody, have a seat" aaron's voice is more tense than usual, as if he was about to announce some bad news. your heart races but you walked in, grabbing a seat next to morgan. jj stands beside hotch and she looks almost worried, toying with her fingers. your brows knitted in confusion, wondering what was so urgent

"why, what's going on? everything all right?" spencer asked, his brow raised.

"seven months ago, i made a decision that affected this team. as you all know, emily had lost a lot of blood after her fight with doyle," hotch began

"but the doctors were able to stabilize her and she was airlifted from boston to bethesda under covert exfiltration. her identity was strictly need-to-know. and she stayed there until she was well enough to travel. she was reassigned to paris where she was given several identities, none of which we had access to for her security" he finishes but there's pin drop silence in return. his arms had folded over awaiting a response but everyone was shocked to say a thing

your heart feels like it's plummeted at the bottom of the earth, the breath completely knocked out from your lungs. you hope someone announces its a big joke but hotch looks at all of you expectantly. jj has her head slightly bowed, unable to make any eye contact and its then you realise she knew all along.

"she's alive?" you didn't even think you said it out loud but aaron looks at you, his brows in a tight frown. you see the truth spilled on his face and it stings immensely knowing how he saw you in your vulnerable moments and still decided not to say a thing

he knew all along

"but we buried her" someone else says but at that point you completely blank out, sinking further in your seat. hoping the ground would swallow you whole and remove the burden crushing your heart.

"as i said, i take full responsibility for the decision. if anyone has any issues, they should be directed toward me" aaron looks at you again but you don't bother looking in his direction.

all those times, every single tear, every second of sadness, all of it was.... fake?

"any issues?? yeah, i got issues-" morgan started, standing up towards hotch. but he doesn't go far for garcia speaks again. her eyes are brimmed with tears, walking quickly towards the door

"oh, my god" and you turn, unable to register the vision in front of you

"i am so sorry, i really am. not a day went by that i didn't want to...really, i... you didn't deserve that and i'm so sorry" the voice you thought you'd never hear again in this lifetime spoke. there she genuinely was, in the living breathing flesh. garcia grabs her in a hug and they share a tearful laugh about something you can't hear.

"there is so much i want to tell you guys and-and i will, i promise" the woman you spent crying in private about for weeks was now alive, like nothing had even happened.

garcia embraces her tight again and jj, morgan, rossi and reid followed suit.

it doesn't comprehend there she genuinely was, actually physically standing there. so many emotions had run through you, unclear of which one it was. all you can think about was her in your arms actively dying and you crying as you screamed for medics to come.

so you remained silent, while everyone had hugged her you stood just looking. unsure of what to feel, unsure over how to act. it felt foreign and you get lost in the reality of the situation, not realising she had made her way towards you

"y/n..." emily walked closer a smile on her lips but you couldn't reciprocate it. how could she so... nonchalanant about everything? those nights you spent crying, the nights your heart had felt so hollow in your chest, all of that burned in your mind.

the anguish, the pain, the guilt, all of it was an illusion.

and aaron, the man with whom you had trusted with your whole life glanced at you through the corner. he doesn't know what to say, what could be said? unintentionally he had lied to you, comforted you through pain that didn't even exist. he saw you vulnerable after her death, he was the one that pieced you back. and now it felt like all the parts he held together were coming undone.

"emily" you nod, a tight lipped smile on yours. even just being in her presence is enough to tip you over the edge so you distract yourself, holding the file. how strange, a mere seven months ago you two were the closest of friends.

and now you barely even knew her

"i-" she opens her arms slightly to embrace you but you open your hands to give her the information. touching her felt too soon, you needed some time to think.

"this is the file with doyle and everything going on with the kid. we don't have time to spare" you nod, quickly hand it to her and walk straight for the coffee. it wasn't caffeine that was going to help you tonight but it didn't hurt to try

•••

"hey..." morgan finds you staring blankly at the wall with the pictures, trying to find the next step in the kidnapping. and no matter how much you tried to regain your composure, it cracked piece by piece. exposing your facade and your true feelings behind the matter.

you were determined to keep a straight front for your team but every time you saw emily and jj and especially hotch, it felt like a challenge you weren't sure you'd win

"hey" you continue to take through the information, trying to piece the murder but there's so much on your mind it all feels like its vanishing in the air. like nothing is registering in your brain.

"hey" jj comes in and you stiffen up, quickly catching some files and exiting the room. she calls your name but you simply walk straight for the hallway. true, it was a childish thing to do but you couldn't look at any of them without the overwhelming urge to break down.

aaron, however, catches you in the hallway and you step back not wanting to even touch him, unable to look at his deceiting face.

"i know what you've been through. i understand that you're angry but i hope that you understand that this is not about you or me. this was about saving emily" his tone is sharp, firm but you see the hurricane of emotions in his eyes.

the most dominant being sorrow. but that wasn't enough for you, you almost wanted him to experience the pain you'd felt.

"why do you care about what i think hotch? it never mattered before, evidently" you match his tone in return, trying to go about him.

"y/n i know you're disappointed how we handled emily but it wasn't in our control, we couldn't say anything" he stops you and you don't even want to look at him, he knew how hard it had been on you. and he still didn't breathe a word of her survival.

"you couldn't or you wouldn't?? don't pretend to care what i've been through hotch. i came to you crying for weeks on end and not once did you have the decency to tell me the truth. not fucking once. what did you expect? i'd hug prentiss and all would be well? give me a break" you scoffed, pulling away from him. he stood stunned for a moment, his brows scrunched in a confused frown

"i know and i understand-" "i don't think you do. we have a kid that's about to die hotch, now is not the time" you utter, glaring as you walked by him.

•••

the plane ride was silent, moreso than usual. you noticed the glances your team was giving you but as long as the job was done efficiently, there wasn't really anything to say, you'd talk on your own time. just you and your book was enough for now.

all that was interrupted when a voice cut in. a voice you thought you weren't ready to hear just yet

"declan is little shaken up but the doctor said he'll be fine" she smiled at you, eyes looking at you but you refused to make any contact

"good. we got there in time" you commented, turning the page.

"yes..." she taps her fingers on the table, unsure on how to continue the conversation. part of you hopes she walks away, not ready to listen to her just yet.

"well we're going to rossi's tomorrow night. i want to see if he really can cook. are you coming?" she asked hopefully, a small smile on her lips

"i don't know, i'm not so sure i can make it" you leaned your elbow on the armrest, continuing to read the same sentence until she left.

"look, l/n, i know you're mad at us because we didn't tell you what really happened, and... i understand that. but i promise you, we had no choice" she begins and she sighs a little before looking directly at you.

"you mourned one friend, i mourned seven" she chuckled lightly, trying to make you see from her perspective. but you couldn't, the betrayal rang far too loudly in your ears.

his especially

"it's not a competition emily" you put your book down, directly looking at her eyes. everything you had been bursting to say left your lips before you could even comprehend it.

"you didn't carry my coffin, you didn't cry over someone that was presumably dead. do you know how many times i was angry at myself for not doing more? i kept replaying that moment when i held you, near enough lifeless and completely covered in blood. and all i could do was beg you to breathe and stay with me. you didn't take medications because every time you closed your damn eyes, all you could see was your dead friend in her own blood did you? don't pretend we're the same emily, you have no idea what i went through" with every word, you could feel the anger boiling deep inside of you. the annoyance coursing through your veins like wildfire.

"you could've given us a hint, a sign, anything to indicate proof of life. but i had to hold the pain over your death for months. so forgive me if i don't want to go through that again" your tone was sharp, picking up your book back to indicate the conversation was over

"y/n i'm sorry i-" she began softly but you shook your head

"look emily, i appreciate what you're trying to do. really. and i'm happy that you're back but i need time and space too. i can't do this job efficiently otherwise. so please..." you indicated for her to leave and she reluctantly stood up, wanting to say a million words. but none of them seemed quite correct

you hoped no one would come and try to talk, just wishing this plane ride would end quickly and you'd be in the safe sanctuary of your bedroom

and for once your wish is granted

•••

the precinct was empty, dark and cold. replicating how you felt on the inside.

your bag was in your office and you hoped everyone was gone, you couldn't handle seeing their faces.

it was hard, because on the one hand your friend was back. you wanted to rejoice, and hug her so tight but the way it all happened... it felt wrong.

"y/n" and there it is. the voice you definitely didn't want to hear tonight

"aaron" you reply in response, turning around to face him. he looks dishevelled, almost as if he had to run to catch you back here. on any other day before, it would've made you fawn over his adorableness but it didn't stir a thing in you now.

"i know what i did was inexcusable. i know you're hurt, i know it could've been handled better. i realise that but you have to understand that this wasn't my order. if you had known, it would've put you in a compromising position too" he comes close until he's standing a foot away. his eyes are aligt with an emotion you've never seen him use before, pleading

"i just can't get over it hotch. i'm so happy she's back and under different circumstances i would've celebrated it. but i can't because you lied to me. for months and months" you want to fall in to his arms, to forget about everything that had transpired tonight but it would solve nothing. so you stay where you are, the ache in your heart growing by the minute.

"and for that i deeply apologise" before, this would have solved your problems. but now it felt like the gasoline added to the fire.

"you don't care about me aaron and i'm fooling myself if i keep pretending that everything is okay"

"i do y/n, i just need time. i just-"

"how much time?? how much longer can i be expected to wait?? how much longer can i pretend that you actually care about me-"

"i do care!" "oh you do?? you watched me cry for months. does that sound like caring? and you never want to progress further in this. how can i be with someone who doesn't care? emily coming back was just the icing. you'd use anything and anyone to get what you want hotch. you don't care about anyone, much less me"

"is that what you think of me?" he whispers, eyes narrowing at you

"it's what i know of you. from the moment i met you to now. i thought it was fine at first. but i can't do it. do you have any idea how.... hard it is to love you?" every word was a dagger to his heart, twisting and twisting until it was difficult to breathe.

"i'm done. i need a break. from you, from the bau, from everyone" you let out a shaky sigh, hugging your bag closer to your body. the man before you was your lifeline and now it felt like you were drowning in the depths of him. the only way to save yourself would be to remove yourself from his grasp, to pretend that he, your lover, never existed. he was aaron hotchner, your boss. he would never be the man you were so desperately and hopelessly in love with.

"y/n please don't-"

"i'm taking my holidays. don't contact me, don't find me. i just really.... don't want to see you ever" with that you stormed out of the room, away from him and his presence. away from his beautiful face you came to adore, away from all the memories you would forever cherish until your last breath.

but no amount of miles between you both could ever be enough

[mtkay13]

Gonna post TWO hoboxus today because I CAN! (still desperately trying to catch up with my twitter posts LOL help I'm terrible at this)

From a meme based on art by KOTTERI, the author of Veil (among amazing other things). Find them on twitter @_K0TTERl_!

More musing below, as per usual! (Be ready it's a LONG one again)

I really hesitated with how I wanted to do this. The original had this gorgeous red poster that seemed like a perfect fit for WKX:

(@_K0TTERl_)

Either I went for the imagery of ZZS wistfully gazing upon the mysterious and eccentric WKX, which would definitely have been more aesthetic and undeniably fitting, or I went the semi-humorous route of channelling the "WKX fell for that ugly hobo and his gorgeous shoulder blades" meme-ified side of their dynamic.

Well, clearly that's where I ended up going, but I feel like explaining a bit.

For me, this picture was three-folds:

First part is the meme; it's kind of funny, kind of ridiculous, and sets the tone of what TYK starts off as; rather absurd, with its reasonable dose of dark humor, and the (at first seemingly improbable) meeting and love story between a silly dying hobo and a strange, suspicious, hedonistic gentleman. It felt thematically appropriate for TYK to twist the original image and put the obviously uglier one on the poster since TYK relies heavily on genre subversion to begin with.

Secondly, there is WKX. So, controversial opinion (/jk) but I don't think WKX was necessarily convinced or even really thought that ZZS was "a beauty" underneath his alleged mask. It was probably a mix of various feelings and teasing/provoking which lead to this joke. First, everything he expresses throughout the book and in extra 4; the fascination for this man who seemed too hide great strength and was of no known identity--who was probably more than what he seemed.

(I'm gonna push it just a little bit ((but isn't that the fun of literary interpretation)), but the "beauty under the mask" is not only physical. It could be a way to say, I think that beneath your raunchy, ridiculous attitude, beneath your gross appearance, beneath the pretense that you're a nobody, that you're a peasant, you're probably someone of great importance and great accomplishments, someone much stronger than you pretend to be--someone like me, perhaps, even. The shoulder blades references are, besides of course WKX *actually* noticing them, the observation of how ZZS moves, of how agile his body is, etc...)

Anyway-- the entire point of this intro is to say that to me, this isn't actually referring to that whole side of their dynamic (or not entirely), but rather to that passage that I am STILL OBSESSED WITH where Wen Kexing recognizes ZZS just from the way he's sitting in a restaurant, and that makes him feel things not entirely positive:

Zhou Zishu stepped into an inn alone. He chose a seat by a window, ordered a few side dishes and a jug of mulled rice wine, and drank it slowly while soaking in the sunshine. As soon as Wen Kexing walked in, he saw Zhou Zishu from behind. He didn’t know why, but he thought that this view was quite special—he could always pick it out of a crowd. Zhou Zishu did not sit with his back straight. Most of the time, he lounged indolently at an angle that looked exceptionally comfortable. Wen Kexing thought that it seemed as though nothing weighed on him; seeing him was enough to ease the heart. Wen Kexing unconsciously halted his steps. He stared at Zhou Zishu’s relaxed silhouette for a while, with no trace of an expression in his face or eyes. His heart swelled with some strange feeling—strange, in that it was no feeling at all. He felt as though this man was mocking him with this wordless posture; he who rushed around for one thing or another, who was burdened with so many cares, yet obstinately put on a devil-may-care persona. Zhou Xu—as carefree as duckweed, he thought, with a body like willow catkins. In all the world, with its boundless perspectives, where could you find someone who walked their path alone and never allowed anything to trouble them? Yet he was not apathetic—he had his joy, his anger, his sorrow—and they came in a flash as quickly as they went. Within the blink of an eye, he had forgotten it already.

(Tian Ya Ke, chapter 18, TL by Lianzi) (have I quoted this already??? If not I should have I love this passage so much)

AND THEN QUOTING ANOTHER PASSAGE (LOL), TL by me this time:

From the moment he'd noticed his shoulderblades, felt this rush of excitement, to when he'd started liking who Zhou Zishu was, when he'd thought——so this is the Commander of Tian Chuang. Suddenly, he'd felt as if he'd met his other self. Both of them, lone wolves caught in a hunter's trap, struggling for freedom to no avail, until they had resolved to coldly gnawing off their own legs in the end. He'd felt compelled to follow him around, watched him, until he suddenly realised—if Zhou Zishu could live like this, then surely, so could he?

(Full passage in this other post LOL)

So yes, THIS. Those two things. That's it. Need I say more? HAH OF COURSE I DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO (help)

More seriously--the way WKX is captivated by ZZS' apparent carefreeness and freedom, all the different feelings (or absence thereof, as he puts it, which I interpret as so distant from what he's used to feel that it almost feels like nothing at all) is what I was going for here.... By not showing his face at all LMAO

The envy, the frustration--the impression of being mocked, but also the longing, how it inspired him to follow along and try to be free like he was.

-cough- yes, so that was point 2 out of 3.

Now lastly, about ZZS himself and my representation of him as hoboxu. I think (?) I've written enough about him that I think I can keep this succint. I love how priest often makes a point of expliciting, in the book, how he's so often smiling, and how he's always incredibly energetic in the morning, as if the night of pain had never happened. I like to think that hoboxu is both a carricature of a ridiculous character that ZZS has fun embodying---but also a liberated expression of his deeper self.

WKX feels like he's mocking him, but ZZS is also mocking himself relentlessly, when he feels like the outside resembles the inside finally, when he feels ridiculous in these new robes, when he allows himself the most outrageous behavior---and then there's mocking life itself, mocking jianghu, mocking everything that he nonetheless deeply cherishes. It's almost... gently mocking, affectionate mocking of everything because his own life has become a joke yet he's still going to enjoy it to the fullest--drinking to his heart's content, rolling in the mud and visiting touristy sites (or so he intended).

In the end... the world is still in his own hands. He chose everything, chose the way he lived, the way he (would have) died and still has the power to dissappear at will--but he stays. Stays and endures what he pretends annoys him, because he can't help himself, because he's ridiculous and is aware of it and may as well have some fun while being so.

I can't seem to ever have enough of this, of this vibe. I wanted to have him laugh at and with WKX, at and with the people seeing him, at and with himself, at and with the narrative.

SO YEAH HAH THATS HUM THAT'S IT. You know what they say, it's only a fun meme if there's an essay behind it (noone says that help 😭😭😭😭)

I hope you had fun reading it and have a nice weeked 🤪

[lieslab]

It comes and goes in waves

꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎ ꘎♡━━━━━♡꘎

Pairing: og8 X gn reader

Summary: After struggling with identity issues over different things, skz comforts you.

Genre: Comfort/hurt

Word Count: 5.6K

A/N: This one was a request and to whoever requested it, thank you for being so patient. Every one of these drabbles is a different scenario. Some are a bit more angsty than others, but most of these end with fluff. Enjoy <3

_ _ _

Chan:

Take it all in. The sound of the white foamy waves lapping at the shore. The way that the golden sunlight kissed Chan’s cheeks. The ease of his limbs as he lounged all sprawled out. The contentment on his face at this moment. 

For him, it was a taste of freedom, finally out of the studio and back near the water; he missed this. He loved what he had, but parts of him wished he could do this more. Spend time here at the beach, take you on adventures, a little me time never hurt anyone. 

“You’re really quiet today,” he finally called out. His hands cupped the back of his head and he glanced over at you. “Something on your mind? I’ve heard the water is pretty good at listening.” 

You shrugged, not really wanting to get into it. You didn’t want to break this moment. Chan deserved some peace and the last thing you wanted to do was feel like a burden. A small smile appeared on his face as he glanced up at you. “Come on, I know you want to talk.” 

“Not really.” 

He rolled across the sand, getting it all over his black shirt in the process, and placed his head in your lap. “Oh, come on, you can’t keep me hanging forever. What is it?” 

“I shouldn’t,” you continued. 

“I want you to.” 

Your eyes went back to the waves. The lull of them made you feel more relaxed than you had ever felt before. There was something so special about large bodies of water; the essence of purification and rejuvenation washed the soul anew. 

You sucked in a deep breath before it fell from your nose. “Do you ever feel lost sometimes?” 

“Like a depression kind of way?” He raised an eyebrow below you. The warmth of your thighs pressed into his shoulder blades. A wave of worry began to fill him. 

“More in an identity way. Like…” You shrugged, “just confused, I suppose.” 

He hummed softly and nodded. “I suppose sometimes I feel that way, yeah. People have rough parts sometimes and life can be difficult, but you know what?” 

“Hmm?” You glanced down and met his honey-glazed eyes. 

“The great thing about being lost is that you will always find yourself again. It might be later today or tomorrow. Maybe it’ll be next week or a month from now, but there will always be people to help you out. You can talk to me anytime if you need to, okay?” 

You smiled and nodded. 

“Now, where were we? Oh, right.” He shoved himself up and dusted off his palms. He bent down and you squealed, attempting to get away in the process. “Where are you going?” He laughed. 

“Don’t put me in the water!” 

Like a child, he mocked your words in a high pitched voice. You already knew you were going to get wet. You planned for it to happen since you came to the beach. It’s why you were already wearing your swimming clothes. 

Your arms wrapped around his neck. You squealed as he rushed towards the oncoming waves. The water hit his calves and then his knees. It didn’t take long before he grinned and dropped you in the water. 

Baptized by the cool water, you reappeared and spit a mouthful of water towards him. Those thoughts in your head had been pushed off to the side. “Just wait until I get my revenge.” You shoved wet hair from your face.” 

“You gotta catch me first.” 

Without another word, he took off sprinting back to the beach. 

_ _ _ 

Minho:

“What are you looking at?” Minho asked. “You keep staring behind me, but there’s nothing there.” He shifted in his seat and glanced behind him again. 

The two of you were in a small cafe and drinking your preferred drinks. It was just something the two of you had agreed upon to escape the house. Both of you had been working hard and you decided you deserved a bit of a treat. 

“Nothing.” 

He squinted his eyes at you, turned back around, and looked over his shoulder. “Should I call my doctor and get you an appointment or something? Are you seeing things that aren’t there? Is it the devil?” 

“Minho!” You groaned as you rolled your eyes. “Of course, it’s not that. I can’t hallucinate the devil when he’s sitting directly across from me.” 

A smirk began to play upon his lips. “Does that make you an angel, God, or one of my followers?”

“It makes you an annoying little shit.” 

“Ouch.” He mumbled and placed a hand over his chest. “Seriously though, what are you looking at? You’re starting to freak me out.” 

The hustle and bustle of the coffee shop couldn’t distract you. The smell of coffee, the movement of baristas busy behind the counter, the deep conversation murmured by the couple across from you, none of it could pull your attention away from a certain spot near the counter.

Your eyes quickly went back and when Minho jerked around in his chair, causing a loud scrape as the legs jerked against the floor, you looked away again. He squinted and hummed as he took in the counter. “Oh!” Your body went tense as you held your breath. “Are you staring at the pride flag?” 

“No!” You answered a little too quickly and too sharp. 

He turned back to you and raised an eyebrow. “Is there an issue with the pride flag?” 

You shook your head. 

“Because if you’re a homophobe, I-” 

“No! No! No! No! It’s not that, of course, it’s not that.” 

“Then what is it?” 

You let out a sigh and shut your eyes. The taste of your drink lingered in your mouth. You forced your head back up and opened your eyes. “Lately, I’ve been having a rough time trying to figure out my sexuality and everything.” 

“Oh?” His eyebrows scrunched up. 

“I know, I’m sorry, I-” 

“Why are you apologizing for that?” 

“Because I…” You trailed off unsure how to answer. 

“Who cares? If anything, good for you. All you have is time and I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually. Actually, do you need someone to test things with? I have a few buddies that will be more than willing.” 

You blinked in shock and shook your head. Your cheeks flushed red and your fingers clutched your cup tighter. “I want to figure it out on my own, but thanks for the offer.” 

“It’s about time you get a significant other, I need to tease you about someone. Love is love, is it not? As long as you’re not doing something illegal, it’s not a problem.” 

“Some people disagree with that,” you mumbled. 

“Well, maybe they should learn to fuck off. As a man who gropes other men in my free time, I have to say that they’re missing out.” 

You blinked in shock. “Does that make you ga-” 

“Who cares what it makes me? It makes me happy, it makes me laugh, and it doesn’t bother my band members. Do you wanna try it out on me? I’ve got such a cute little as-” 

“Alright, I think this conversation is over.” 

“And I think it’s just getting started.” 

You took another sip of your drink; what did you just walk into?

_ _ _ 

Changbin: 

“Push me higher!” 

“You’re going high enough!” 

“Nuh-uh! Higher! I wanna fly!” 

You grumbled beneath your breath and shoved your hands along Changbin’s back again. At your local park, you lost count of how many times you had pushed him. It was enough that your arms burned and your forearms ached. 

“Wee!” He cried out as he pumped his legs. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth he went. Higher and higher he soared towards the cloudy muddled gray sky. “Look at me go!” 

“Look at you go,” you bitterly spat behind him. 

Upon hearing you, he jerked his legs out straight and let his heels drag along the red mulch. Due to the potential threat of rainstorms, the park was empty. Kids were nowhere to be found and neither were their disengaged parents. 

None of the toddlers being helped across the monkey bars or the babies in the baby swings. Middle schoolers weren’t fighting over the metal zipline and high schoolers weren’t up at the top of the slide writing profanities in sharpie along the rims of the slide. 

“Why are you so grumpy today?” Changbin asked. “You’ve been in an awful mood for nearly an hour. 

“Because I should be at home and researching.” 

“For what?” 

“A proper career.” 

“Wait, what?” His head turned over his shoulder to face you. When that wasn’t enough, he got off the swing, walked to the other side to face you, and sat back on it. “You’re changing jobs?” 

“I’m getting a new career,” you corrected him. “I can’t keep doing the job I have now. I hate it, my coworkers suck, and there’s no room for growth. I can’t fucking stand any of it. I feel like I’m being forced into a square box and all my potential is being wasted. Day after day goes by, but I’m not happy.” 

“So what are you doing then? Are you going back to college or-” 

“I don’t know!” You snapped. “I don’t even know where I’m going.” You threw up your arms. “I want to be an artist, but being a teacher sounds nice too. However, I think journalism is cool and I really like the idea of being a truck driver and seeing all sorts of cool landscapes and traveling a lot.” 

You couldn’t stop your ramble once you started. “Plus, I think I’d make an amazing pastry chef. I could work at such a prestigious baking company. However, I could also start up my own business.” 

You groaned and rubbed your face. “I don’t know what to do! There’s so many options and not enough life to pick them all. What am I supposed to do? If I stay where I’m at, I feel doomed. If I leave, I don’t know what I’ll do.” 

A smile began to appear across his face. “Why don’t you do it all?” 

“What?” You raised an eyebrow. 

“All you have is time. Find a starter job in one of those fields and try it out. You want to be a truck driver? How about starting somewhere and being a delivery driver for a while? A teacher? Find a class to teach. A pastry chef? Well, you know I have a bit of a sweet tooth sometimes. Better bake me something delicious.” 

“Well, when you put it like that, you make it seem so simple.” 

“Clearly, you have a lot of passions and it’s admirable. You want to take a blind leap of faith instead of focusing on small steps. Yes, you can still do your research. You can still create pros and cons and everything. Make a list of what interests you the most and the least. After that, you can narrow it down. No big deal,” he shrugged. 

“If I knew you actually were going to give decent advice, I would have asked you weeks ago.” 

“You’re welcome.” He grinned and held out his feet towards you. “To thank me, you can grab my ankles and pull me towards you. I still want to go really high.” 

“How high do you plan on going?” 

“To the moon.” 

_ _ _ 

Hyunjin: 

“Do you ever think about how there’s so much beauty in all of this? I can’t believe someone took this old church and turned it into an art gallery. This is the most unique looking place that I think I’ve ever been.” 

When Hyunjin said he had a surprise for you, you didn’t think he meant this. The art pieces mixed with the old interior of the church. The sanctuary, lined with red carpet, smelled like dust and old books. 

Stained glass windows caught the bright sunlight and reflected it throughout the church. Darkened blues, magentas, and wine reds; a kaleidoscope of colors that sent your stomach twisting with knots. 

You clutched Hyunjin’s hand and didn’t let go. He didn’t seem to mind as the two of you went from painting to painting. He pointed out focal points and the colors. The angles and all the things that made a good painting a good painting. 

On the other hand, you were struggling with where you were. Religion was something that you still weren’t sure about. You had no idea what you believed in and being here to observe art instead of worship and listen to a service, it made you feel guilty. 

You were a rabbit in a fox hole. Jesus’ gaze felt judgmental along the stained glass. His hands pressed in a prayer in different photos, uplifted during the last supper, you felt as if your presence was mocking him somehow. 

It wasn’t the point of the art gallery. It was just a building, you kept reminding yourself, but it wasn’t working. The people make the church, it’s not the building, but at that moment, it didn’t feel true. 

The walls were scorched with whispered prayers. The pews held the weight of sinners and the air vibrated an uneasy guilt. You wanted, you needed, to get out of here as fast as you possibly could. 

“Hyunjin?” You softly uttered, not wanting to break his concentration on another piece of art. 

“Hmm?” 

“I’m gonna go outside and get some fresh air.” 

“Okay, I’ll be here when you come back.” 

You nodded, let go of his hand, and took off outside. After meandering through a small crowd of people, you headed for the double doors and pushed them open. The burst of fresh air made your lungs feel clean. You sucked in a large gulp and shifted further out into the open air. 

The fresh cut grass washed away the staleness. The sturdy pavement beneath your feet carried you away from the old brick building. Further and further you walked until you found yourself leaning against a blooming cherry blossom tree. 

Twenty minutes later, you were nearly half asleep. Your back sat up against the tree and supported your head. The voice of Hyunjin caused your eyes to weakly open. 

“Hey, there you are! Are you okay? You were gone for so long, I thought something bad happened to you.” 

You weakly shook your head and shut your eyes again. “I just came out here to relax. It’s too heavy back there.” 

“Heavy?” Hyunjin raised an eyebrow. “I can’t believe you got that into the artwork. I didn’t know you had that in you.” 

“It’s not that, it’s the religious aspect. Seeing so much religious stuff and then not following God anymore, it makes me feel kind of guilty.” 

“Any reason why you stopped?” Hyunjin asked as he slumped down beside you. 

“Because I keep having a crisis about it. I don’t know which one’s right. There’s so many to choose from and it sends me spiraling. What if I pick the wrong one?” 

“I don’t think there’s such a thing as the wrong one. I think religion is supposed to provide a sense of security and comfort. Maybe you should try to focus on that aspect? People seek out religion for a lot of different issues.” 

“I’m sorry,” you wiped your hands over your face, “it’s silly, I know.” 

“I think it’s valid. There’s so many different types of religion. Some say we’re supposed to act one way and some say another. Whatever you choose to believe in, as long as it’s not harming anyone, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.”

“It brings connection and love sometimes. I hear it’s a pretty powerful thing to have faith in something or someone much bigger than you. Take your time. You don’t have to have it all figured out right away.” 

You leaned over and let your head rest on his shoulder. “Thank you. You really are the best.” 

“Of course, I am. I mean, after all, I am Hwang Hyunjin. Thee Hwang Hyunjin. Maybe you should give up on religion and just worship me from now on.” 

_ _ _ 

Han: 

“Is it better to have a thousand friends who don’t care much about you or one who does?” You asked randomly. 

You and Han were seated on opposite sides of the couch. After filling yourselves with your favorite ramen, you were filtering through random topics about different things. You were each batting back and forth and debating. 

“I’d rather have a single friend who cares about me. How could you possibly keep up with a thousand different people? I care about secure connections. I’d rather have someone truly know me for me rather than only know bits and pieces of myself. I want to be loved fully, you know?” 

You hummed softly and kept your attention on the blank TV. It wasn’t turned on and there was nothing besides the reflections of the two of you, but you stared at it anyway. Han observed you for a moment and pushed himself up further. “Would you choose differently?” 

“I think it’s nice to be wanted. Maybe the issue is that I want everyone to love me, no matter how little. I crave validation and praise. I lick up every ounce of worship and think about every little compliment, even if it’s backhanded.” 

Han frowned at your words. His eyes went over to you, but he didn’t speak. You looked lost staring at the TV, caught in your own world of make believe. Wishing the wrongdoings in your life were undone. You spent time pitying the past and trying to make up for it in ways that were never sustainable. 

“Hey?” He crawled across the couch and closer towards you. “Are you alright?” 

All you could do was weakly shake your head. He reached out, grabbed your wrist, and gently pulled you towards his body. “You can talk to me. What’s going on in that head of yours?” 

“Sometimes I think about what we have and then I compare it to other people that I call friends. I’m in so many group chats and sure I go out with people, but it feels like it’s all fake. I don’t have connections with other people like I have with you. It just,” you shrugged, “it feels like I’m playing pretend. Like I’m trying to force something that doesn’t really exist. I’m making up for things I lost out on, at least, I’m trying to.” 

“You don’t have to make everyone your friend. That’s the amazing thing about friendships, you have the power to choose and make those decisions. Some people are better for you than others.” 

“I feel like I’m crumbling and in crisis mode.” 

“And you’re not very happy, are you?” 

You weakly shook your head and blinked back tears. Han wrapped an arm around your back and clutched you to his chest. “You don’t have to pretend to be someone you’re not. You’re allowed to be just you and that’s valid. You don’t have to have huge birthdays and large gatherings every week.” 

“If you want that, fine, but it shouldn’t feel like a burden. It should be something you want to do. The people you hang out with, they shouldn’t feel like energy vampires. They should be the kind of people that make you laugh and make you happy. You don’t have to be isolated in a room full of people.” 

“What if I never really find my people?” You mumbled. “What if it’s just a far away dream?” 

“I don’t believe that. I believe everyone out there is meant for some people. You’ve just got to take the time to build relationships and try. It’s easier said than done, but if I was a random stranger and I came across you, I’d feel so very lucky to have you.” 

“Have I ever mentioned how much I love you?” 

“All the time and I love you too, squirt.” 

With that, he leaned over your head and pressed his soft lips into the top of your scalp; a gentle reminder that you weren’t always alone. 

_ _ _ 

Felix: 

Trigger warning: Insecurities and self-hatred

“Is there something wrong with the brownies?” Felix asked mid-chew. A frown fell over his freckled face as he glanced down at your uneaten brownie square. “I thought they were pretty good, but I-” 

“I doubt there’s anything wrong with it, I’m just not that hungry. I’m sure it’s really great, Lix. I’m having an awful day and I just-” You shut your eyes and sighed. “I’m really struggling right now and I’m not in the mood for food.” 

“Why didn’t you say that in the first place? What’s wrong?” He pulled out one of the wooden stools next to you and sat on it. “You can tell me anything.” 

“Do you ever just feel like we shouldn’t be doing this?” 

“Doing what?” 

“This relationship that we have going on? Maybe it’s harsh, but how are you not embarrassed by me? You have so much and I have so little. I’m not nearly as talented. I don’t have the looks. I certainly don’t have all the finances that you have either. We’re like nothing alike.” 

It was a low blow on your end, but it cut him deeply. His fork stopped pressing into the softened brownie. Crumbs scattered along the white porcelain plate and for a moment, it seemed like the earth stopped spinning on its axis. 

His hurt eyes went down to the brownie. “What do you mean? Where is all this coming from? You can’t possibly think like that. Do you seriously think that about me? About us?” 

“I think I’m a shitty person. I’m not as perfect and cheery as you. Compared to you, I feel like dog shit. You’re gold and I’m the manure that gets spread across fields in the summer. How are you not embarrassed? I can’t do anything right!” 

“What do you mean?” His bottom lip quivered as he looked at you. How could you see yourself like this? Where you saw a mess, he saw beauty. Where you saw tragedy, he saw potential. You saw burnout, but he seen sparks that were ready to ignite into a roaring fire. 

It made him want to cry. How could you possibly disregard your feelings? Why were you talking so poorly about yourself? It made him want to pull you into his arms and never let go, but he resisted. 

“I don’t think I’m a very good person. I don’t think I’m good at anything. I-I don’t understand why you picked me of all people. I’m not special and I’m not that great.” 

“You’re so much more than that, you’re you. When you laugh, your cheeks turn rosy. Whenever you eat something you like, you happily squirm in your chair and do a whole little dance. When you go outside, you make sure to look down, so you don’t step on any bugs.” 

“I see someone with a big heart who is hurting. Your internal wounds don’t make you the scum of the earth. It’s not bad to hurt, it’s natural actually, but I wish you wouldn’t speak so negatively about yourself. Every time you do that, you’re hurting me too.”

You hated watching the tears prickle in his eyes. It made your own eyes start to water. You blinked rapidly and wiped a sleeve across your eyes. 

“Please don’t speak about yourself so poorly. I’m not sure why you’re speaking so negatively about yourself. I don’t understand what’s happening, but I know that I’m not leaving you. If this is some kind of self-sabotage to make me run away from you, it won’t work.” 

“It’s okay to struggle and not know exactly who you are. Don’t push me away when it gets rough like this. You don’t need to be alone and I love you. I’m not going anywhere. Even if you tried to shove me out of your life, I’ll always find a way to stick around.” 

“Felix?” 

“Hmm?” 

“I love you so much.” Your voice wavered, on the verge of bursting into sobs. 

He smiled and his dimples appeared. “Come ‘er!” When you practically threw yourself into his arms, he squeezed you tightly and didn’t let go. He shut his eyes and beamed happily. One day, he was going to help you see yourself like he saw you. 

Maybe not today, but he wasn’t going to stop until your own beauty sprouted before your very eyes. 

_ _ _ 

Seungmin: 

“Sing it with me!” 

“No,” you mumbled with your head up against the passenger window. Seungmin huffed and continued to sing one of the latest pop hits on the radio. You kept your forehead against the cool glass and watched the buildings pass by. 

The two of you were on the way to an arcade. You didn’t know that, but Seungmin knew something was wrong. He was competitive and so were you. He figured the arcade was the perfect place to burn off some steam. 

He huffed, reached up, and turned off the radio. “Okay, fine then, we’ll just sit in silence.” 

“You can turn it on and sing along, I just don’t want to sing.” 

“No. I don’t want to sing alone. If you’re going to make me do it alone, what’s the point?” 

“You’re being so dramatic.” 

“And you’re being so uptight and anti-social.” 

You shot him a glare before crossing your arms and rolling your eyes. “What the fuck is your problem?” You grumbled as annoyance built up in your bones. 

“My problem? If you must dig around and find out, it’s you. You’re over there throwing yourself an entire pity party. Are you aware that you’re huffing and pouting out loud? I can hear you grumbling beneath your breath.” 

“Fuck off!” You snapped. 

“Seems like I poked the bear. What is it this time? Relationship problems?” 

“No.” 

“Still can’t pull anyone I see. Friendship issues? I mean, if you still even have friends.” 

“Of course, I have friends, but no.” You glanced over and shot him a glare. “It’s not that either.” 

“Welp, I’m out of guesses then. Are you going to tell me or do I have to resort to drastic measures? Changbin’s weakness is tickling.” 

“The first time you tickle me will be the last time. You’ll have to explain to your management how I bit off your entire hand.” 

“Are you gonna hold my other one for emotional support? I think it’s the least you could do after such a violent assault. I’ll have to get a rabies shot and everything. Do I get a sticker afterwards?” 

“I don’t have rabies!” 

He glanced over at you, looked you up and down with a look of disgust, and shook his head. “Kinda seems like you do to me. One of the first signs of rabies is aggression and believe me sweetheart, you have a ton of that right now.” 

“Screw you.” 

“You wish.” 

You jerked your head back to the window, slamming your forehead into the glass in the process. You winced, but didn’t rub the sore spot. Instead, you glared out at the fellow traffic beside you. 

Seungmin rolled his eyes. “Alright, cut the bullshit, what is it really? What’s your issue?” 

“The entire issue is me.” 

“Do you know what giving context means?” 

“It means I don’t know what to do with my life.” You threw up your hands. “A career, friendships, the value of life, relationships, potential marriage and kids. I don’t know what to do and I don’t know how the fuck people have their lives together. I’m an adult and I’ve been an adult for a while now and yet, I still feel so lost.” 

“Is this the issue? Because guess what? None of us know what we’re doing. It’s an entire life. Do you think we really know? We don’t. In fact, I wouldn’t know what I was doing if it wasn’t for the company. They assign me shit and I just go do it.” 

“You really are like a dog.” 

“Due to the circumstances, I’m going to pretend like you didn’t say that.” He shook his head, adjusted his hands, and continued driving. “Seriously though, you don’t have to have it all figured out. A lot of us are still lost. Everyone’s paths are different, but you have plenty of time.” 

“Whatever you decide to do, you’ll be amazing at it because you always are. You’ve got the passion and determination. There’s amazing dreams inside of you and I have no doubt that one day they’re going to bloom into something beautiful and grow big and strong.” 

“I can’t believe you’re being so soft and poetic right now.” 

“And I can’t believe you just had to ruin my moment.” 

“Wait, I’m sorry, I’ll shut up, so you can finish.” 

“Oh no, it’s done. You don’t deserve to hear what I have to say. Nuh-uh, you shouldn’t have been such a brat.” 

“You suck!” 

“And you swallow!” 

“You’re so lucky that you’re driving and I can’t punch you!” 

“You’re lucky we’re not on solid ground because I’d beat the shit out of you.” 

At least, you didn’t lose your bickering in your moment of self-doubt. 

_ _ _ 

Jeongin: 

Trigger warning: Depression, self-hatred, mentions of wanting to die and a gun.

“It’s bullshit!” You spat out angrily. “It’s all bullshit. Life is bullshit and I hate it!” You slammed the door shut to the apartment you shared with Jeongin and stormed up the stairs. 

Slipping into your room without a knock, Jeongin found you a few seconds later throwing your shoes across the floor. With a decent loud thud, they impacted against the side and bounced onto the floor. 

“What’s going on?” Jeongin asked. 

“What’s the point of life? It’s sad and it’s depressing. It’s pathetic and I’m miserable. I hate myself and everyone. I hate everyone and everything and I think it’s all just a bunch of fucking bullshit! I hate it!” 

He blinked, taken back by your words, and cocked his head. “So do you want to talk about it?” 

“I hate being alive! I hate not knowing who I am! I hate not knowing who other people are! I hate everyone and I wish I could just die.” 

“Um…wow.” He grimaced and reached back to the back of his neck. “That was a lot. Do you mind telling me when this all started?” 

“It started when I went into the store with my basic jeans and my stupid t-shirt. I seen a few people there and realized I dress like a fucking bum. I have zero taste and they’re practically walking celebrities.” 

“And then this one girl, she started to compliment this other girl. I didn’t mean to overhear the conversation, but they started to gush over one another and talk about how cute the others’ outfits were and then to top it off, they got each other’s social media!” 

“And that’s a problem because?” 

“Because I wish I could be outgoing and confident, but I’m wired differently. I work with being an introvert, and being shy, and keeping to myself. How do I learn to do that?” 

He didn’t quite understand what the problem was. You slumped back into your bed and threw your hands above your head. “I went to get coffee after that. I went through my favorite coffee shop’s drive-thru and you know what I got stuck in? A pay it forward loop. Someone paid for my coffee and I said I’d pay for the person behind me. You know how much they ordered? A fuckton!” 

“And was that a bad thing? Of course not! I paid it forward, I paid the outrageous price because I can’t say no and now I don’t have enough money to buy that new album coming out next week and whose fault is it? It’s mine! I just want to be different and better! I want to be confident!” 

“So…” He hesitated, not wanting to make you uncomfortable. “Why don’t you try then?” 

“Because I have a killer migraine and I feel like bursting into tears and throwing up. The sun is so bright and I want to die. The world hates me, God hates me, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you hate me too.” 

“Ah, that makes sense. So you’re having an internal battle with your inner thoughts and the migraine is the cherry on top, huh?” He sat down beside you. “Do you want me to get some pain killers?” 

“I want you to get me a gun.” You grumbled and used your palms to press into your eye sockets. “Living is too hard and I want some peace and quiet. Migraines are of the devil and I hate them.” 

“You poor, poor, poor thing. Just hang tight, I’ll get you some medicine and close up this room, so you can hang out in the dark. Maybe you’ll be up for a scalp massage and some water?” 

“I’m going to burst into tears, you’re a saint.” You let your eyes slip shut and began to relax. 

“Well, you won’t be dying on my watch, that’s for sure.” 

“Tragic.” 

“I’m going to hit you with a pillow.”

“And then I’ll throw up on you.” 

“That’s disgusting.” 

“Take it up with the migraines and God and the universe or whatever the fuck it’s called. Take it up with my brain and neuron receptors. I just want to go to sleep.” 

“You definitely need a long nap,” he mumbled beneath his breath as he got up. 

“What was that?” 

“I said I’d go get your medicine to help you with your head.” 

“I don’t think you said that.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He spun around and disappeared towards the bathroom. He knew you’d be over this later, but your thoughts stacked on top of one another and the compression was lethal. The added migraine didn’t help. 

As long as he was here, he wouldn’t let you suffer alone. 

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