#to hell with that stupid pmdd

[kachulein]

I'm proud of myself for being able to make it all the way home and wait until I was in my room to start sobbing🤧

[canwehavehextonite]

my library card isnt working on libby bc i cant afford my library fees i fucking hate it here

[mutalune]

I woke up at a reasonable time I contacted my realtor I picked out houses to look at this weekend I set up an appt with my mortgage person I did my dishes I did my laundry I took out the piles of trash/empty boxes/etc I decluttered every surface in my apartment I dusted I picked up so much junk that was on the floor I put clothes away I shoved a lot of stuff into boxes and put the boxes in a closet/corner/etc I cleaned my water bottle I cleaned the bathroom I cleaned the window and window sill that I use for late night moody gazing time I fed myself I reviewed my finances I brushed my cat

and I finally feel 72% less overwhelmed by life than I have in ages

All of this is stuff that has been needing done for a long while and somehow I’m supposed to manage these things while also working every day? I’m never going to manage that man I’m going to have to build in “get my life together” staycations into my work time off from now on which is. A bit annoying as that means I have less time off to use for fun things like ACTUALLY GOING ON VACATIONS and doing fun things but I will adjust my life as I need to remain sane because I will love myself and meet myself where I’m at instead of trying to force me to be a way that I’m not 😙

And now. It is 5PM. I have worked enough today. It’s now edible + sudoku + bob’s burgers time baybeeeee 😎

[alsaurus-loves-dean]

.

[tofu-bento-box]

having comorbidities that contradict/contraindicate each other is so stupid man.

you have PMDD. every time you get your period you spend the week before on the edge of a major depressive episode and lose all hope for the future. unfortunately for you, you also have PCOS, which makes Hell Week entirely unpredictable.

so you try to stabilize and predict Hell Week via birth control. but wait! you have migraines with aura! all hormonal birth control is now contraindicated for you, because it increases your risk of death.

ah, well, fuck. okay, well, you have pcos and your hormones are out of wack, let’s get those back on track. but guess what! that’s hormonal birth control again! so your testosterone stays high, and you have chronic acne now.

well, okay, let’s leave the hormones alone. let’s just deal with the acne. however the high-strength acne prescriptions cause such bad birth defects that you are almost legally required to be on some form of birth control. can you see where i’m going with this?

okay, so birth control would “solve” all your problems at the risk of maybe making one thing worse. let’s chance it. oops! you’re now horrifically depressed for a third of every month—and not just that, but your migraines did get worse, and now you’re barely functional.

fuck fuck fuck, get off that. stop taking that. go get an MRI just in case. well, i hope you enjoy migraines, because for some reason that birth control experiment did lasting damage. but don’t worry, your MRI is completely clean!

just. comorbidities, man.

[maidofmetal]

it's astounding to me how dedicated my sister is to being the world's biggest fucking cunt. she has always been incredibly sanist n when I became physically disabled she became very abelist towards me too. she is always incredibly invalidating n I think she genuinely thinks I'm stupid because I don't have a college degree(i had to drop out cuz i kept trying to kill myself 🙄). she won't listen to me about ANYTHING. she literally called a political movement from the 70s (anti psych) CLOSED MINDED and she had the AUDACITY to tell me the dsm is a 'doctors bible' when I was trying to complain about my doctor not believing I pmdd during ovulation cuz it's not in the dsm 🙄 I am also very easily gaslight-able because I'm dissociated to hell and cant remember anything. n she very much takes advantage of that 🫠 she never ever respects my boundaries even after literally BEGGING her not to do something. she's constantly telling me I should go to therapy even tho i have quite literally been in therapy since I was 3 and am still currently in therapy AND was in therapy during my suicide attempts. bitch don't u think therapy would give helped me by now jfc. also she refuses to go to therapy so ?????

I blocked her last week. it was supposed to only be temporary but I think for the sake of my mental health I cannot talk to her anymore. I legit get distressed whenever we talk. she's just incredibly BAD for my mental health and I cannot afford to be triggered by her just cuz we have a relationship.

fuck her man. FUCK HER.

[kingproteus]

What’s PMDD then?

Informational post by a post-hysto trans guy :) (btw terfs fuck off and burn in hell)

For me, PMDD was a circular pattern of my mood randomly going to shit, and pulling my life in after it. I’d then, for reasons unclear to me pre-diagnosis, have a few days (normally three or four) where I felt really good. I hadn’t noticed this circle followed my cycle for most of my early to late teens, because why would it? I’d never been told about PMDD, and all the uterus-havers in my family had the same issues I did.

I went through doctors, was cleared for bpd, borderline, asd, adhd, ibs, high blood pressure, and finally was settled into the “depression” and “anxiety without social anxiety” camps. Yay.

Of course, when I put the pieces together at 16 or so, it became clear to me that PMDD was the reason for this. The monthly times at which my life got shittier and shittier were placed before my period started, and evened out when I got my period, and went away a few days before my period ended. Then I had a few days of feeling good, a few days of feeling just okay, and then it was back to hell.

The first doctor I went to about my PMDD diagnosis immediately diagnosed me. She said it was obvious I had it. It was crazy, I had expected a fight over it.

This, of course, made getting on antidepressants a stupid hard task. I’d go on something and think it was working, but jokes on me that was just my PMDD letting up. Or I’d switch meds in a panic only to realize my extreme depression was my PMDD fucking me over.

In the end, I just got a laparoscopic hysterectomy with ovarian removal. I’m about two weeks post-op now, and I feel better than normal. I’m back to jogging and doing all my normal stuff. 10/10 surgery.

So��� why the fuck does PMDD do this?

I’m obviously not an expert, just a sufferer, but the basic reason is my body freaks out when my hormones fluctuate. My body couldn’t figure out that my sex organs were doing a natural cyclical job, one they did every month. So my body went on high alert. People can have a mix of physical and emotional symptoms. Extreme depression, difficulty concentrating and remembering stuff, anxiety, insane back pain, some people even have worse vision.

When I got on T at 15, my symptoms were lessened by 50%. It HALVED my symptoms. It was a godsend. Seriously, I can’t stress what a good decision it was for me.

As it’s only been a few weeks for me, I can’t speak to how hysterectomy has effected me. I’ll definitely write some follow up posts about it all once I’ve gathered my thoughts.

The reason I post all this is because I’ve spent my whole fucking life, well, since I was 9 and got my first period, feeling like the only fucking trans guy with PMDD in the whole world. This shit was confusing, all the experts didn’t know what to do with me and my T levels, and I wasn’t welcome or comfortable in any PMDD-specific space.

It felt like shit, and I was lonely, and I literally only realized I had it 3 years ago.

Being a trans guy can already be an insanely lonely experience, but being a trans guy with a VERY uterus-specific problem even more so. But I’m done being embarrassed about it, or assuming people will use it to discredit my identity.

I’m just posting this because I want my account of it SOMEWHERE. Just to say that being a trans dude with PMDD is survivable, and normal, and fine. I’ve a good life and a great boyfriend and a kickass family. If my nine year old self could see me now he’d be amazed.

But yeah, shit gets better and PMDD can go fuck itself right beside my ovaries in the medical waste dumpster at the hospital.

[everything-i-couldnt-tell-u]

i'm probably just going insane like usual. probably just can't remember all the time you've spent with me as sevy again that's why i'm going paranoid. i don't know what happened cause one day I just woke up and then feel like I'm back to the old crazy sevy that i worked so hard to change.

once again my eyes and mind are not working properly. everything you say or show me look like hints that you hate me to such an awful degree / you're replacing and leaving me soon. i'm not able to see who you truly are and what you truly feel towards me. right now what I see is someone who's going to cut me off everywhere and i'll never have any means to reach you anymore, that you'll do so without any explanation because obviously the only reason for you finally leaving is that you've gotten sick of how psychotic, paranoid, and insufferable i have been acting all these years. it's scaring the fuck out of me.

even after all the reassurance you've given me, hell i still go on obsessively hyper analyzing everything, disgustingly digging for anything that i can possibly claim as proof that you've left and replaced me no matter how much i've hurt and exhausted myself by doing so. AS IF YOU LEAVING ME IS WHAT I ACTUALLY WANT TO BELIEVE? AS IF IM BLIND AND I DONT SEE ANY OF THE TIME YOU'VE LITERALLY SPENT WITH ME??? no matter what you say or show me, my stupid head is still convinced that you've already replaced and stopped wanting me long ago, that you're only not telling me out of pity and bc you don't want to deal with me going insane since it will be an overwhelming drama.

has zero basis, no concrete proof, no sure evidence i know, but i'm delusional as fuck. my imagination is so wild that i'd connect any random dot to conclude you hate me. i had been collecting vague stuff to interpret as proof that you're literally trying to say you hate me, and this alone makes me feel like a crazy weirdo creep that you'll avoid.

i can't stop crying over arveil because i feel like i can never be what he meant to you. that you'll now go on and be with someone else who can be a good friend who's on arveil's level. someone who can bring happiness in your life instead of negativity. someone who will accept and support you lovingly, something i can barely do. someone you'd feel safe around, someone who can listen to you without making you feel like you're being judged, someone you can be yourself around with and not having to worry you'll get exploded at. someone you can actually have real fun with, something i'm too miserable and paralyzed to do.

i can't find any good reason you'd ever still keep me around, not after arveil is gone and all that's left of me is the same person who always blew up at you and wanted to cut ties every other month after going paranoid. the same person who has hurt you even when you didn't do anything to deserve it, the person who gaslit you into accepting and saying you love me even when i'm so toxic. me, sevy, who was sensitive to every little thing about you and required you to change who you are for the sake of not getting my insecurity and mental illnesses triggered. snapped at every little thing you said, justifying that it was offensive and disrespectful when in truth i was just insecure. treated you like such a horrible person when you just made human mistakes other people do. blamed you for the paranoia my pmdd makes me feel back when i was not yet aware of this goddamn disability. how i always took out the resentment and pain pmdd makes me feel on you. im not stupid i know how shitty i was to you. how much those must've bothered your life.

WHAT KIND OF "FRIEND" DOES THAT HORRIBLE SHIT? NO SORRY WILL TAKE BACK ALL THAT DAMAGE I'VE DONE TO YOUR FRIENDSHIP WITH MY SYS AND YOU NEVER EVEN ASKED TO DEAL WITH THAT. NOTHING I DO CAN EVER MAKE UP FOR HOW MUCH IVE HURT AND PUSHED YOU AWAY DURING THOSE TIMES. I DID THAT TO YOU FOR YEARS THAT'S WHY I SAID IT TERRIFIES ME HOW LONG WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS. AND HECK I SWORE I WAS GONNA "CHANGE AND BE A BETTER PERSON" BUT I ALWAYS TURN BACK INTO THIS CRAZY BITCH

even if i go back in time, i would've still done the same things cause i'm a mentally disable bitch right? that's what i am. who was i kidding when i thought i could actually get better and be a good friend to you, when i can't escape this disgusting creature i turn into every pms

i don't know. maybe i'm just unable to recall any of the times i've been able to act like a decent friend for you since my memory is not working rn. honestly all i remember right now were the times before when i'd always treat you like shit, so naturally i feel like you despise me so much. i don't want you to leave me, but i am so terrified that you have already replaced me that want to run away first again. just like how i always did before lmfao. but i won't do that this time cause i can't trust my emotions and thoughts during pmdd. these are prolly just temporary but id get it off my chest here. i just feel really terrified cause all i can vividly are the terrible things i did to you. i can't help but believe you hate me and i've been hyperventilating so much. im just being dramatic, but in case i don't snap back to normal, sorry for everything i did that hurt you, for everything you showed me that i couldn't see and still doubting you, for creating permanent damage with your friendship with them, for killing arveil out of spite and yet still being awfully insecure even though he's not here anymore. i know ive already said it so much before but i still want to apologize for entering your life

[2clementines]

The last couple of weeks have been HELL!!!

Got COVID at the same time as my luteal phase (I have PMDD so luteal is extra horrible and makes me suic*dal enough as it is)

Wasted my break from school trying to rest and get better. Got zero marking done.

Learned a LOT about Long COVID because my health anxiety got super activated and convinced myself I’m going to have it and never be able to workout or live a normal life again.

Finally got over COVID. The day I tested negative…. My period started.

Day one of my period I experienced the worst cramps of my entire life. Literally the worst physical pain I have ever experienced. I tried taking a hot bath to help and almost fainted getting out of the tub. Took some gummies and had to lay in bed (still wet from the bath) waiting for them to take effect.

Bled the most I have ever bled in my life. I’ve never gone through that many products or ruined that many pairs of undies before (and that’s WITH a Diva cup - it just overflows because they don’t fit me properly).

Now finally in day four the cramps have eased up but now I have a horrible migraine. I keep almost throwing up from the nausea. So I’m lying in bed with all the shades drawn curled up with my heating pad and my stupid frozen migraine cap on my head with my phone brightness turned down to the lowest level just hoping this goes away soon.

Surprisingly after my (very mild) COVID symptoms passed my mood really improved but omg I just want to stop being in discomfort!!!! Please :(

[tinyfrog-jpg]

im so tired

im so tired of my body betraying me

of bleeding for several months straight

for no fucking reason

it hurts

i dont want this

i barely even want this part of me

everything hurts

how am i expected to get up and exist everyday when im constantly bleeding and in pain

where the hell is my body even getting this blood from?!?!?!?!

some days i bleed so much it gets onto my blankets,,

my back hurts

my legs hurt

my hips hurt

and my feet hurt from carrying all this hurt

my eyes hurt from crying about it

but crying isnt helping anymore

no matter how many tears i shed its not fixing the fact that my doctors arent listening to me

im scared

why is my body doing this

i just want to exist

happily

this stupid body makes hard to want that,,

i have a disorder that makes my periods worse too

pmdd

but because the world doesnt give a shit about afabs we dont know *why*

and they dont care enough about *me* to take me seriously

im tired

i think im gonna head to bed

maybe i wont wake up in my own blood, sweat, and tears tomorrow

[bitchywaldof]

I hate how much hormones shape my life.

Right now I’m experiencing what many PMDD suffers call ‘hell week’. For me what I experience for the 5 days I ovulate is such intense waves of agitation, mania, depression and anxiety. One moment I feel invincible but the next I am at the bottom of a never ending pit of doom where I feel like the world is ending and I’m the only one who knows.

What I hate the most about these 5 days is that my creativity is splat, my usually crux that I rely on to get me out of episodes doesn’t work cause my brain struggles to find the words to work emails or think of what to cook for dinner makes me feel stupid.

The increase in my medication has been helping in that I don’t want to ship myself off to an island and self isolate but I’m still struggling.

[nihilisme]

y’all know what time it is. i can’t sleep so i’m gonna write

I talk about some pretty heavy shit later on - so don’t read if you get triggered by sexual assault/rape/abuse etc.

It’s nearing my period and every time it’s close to my period, my PMDD symptoms flare up. For those who don’t know, it’s PMS pumped to the max. You have extremely horrible thoughts, yes, at times, suicidal - you feel incredibly hopeless, and it’s basically just this guaranteed time slot every month of where you will feel like utter, utter shit. Without fail.

Funny enough I’ve never noticed that the horrible feelings are a recurring cycle until I met my current boyfriend. And to my horror, I realized my mom had been dealing with this for years. She’d have horrible fits of rage during this time, and I honestly feel so bad that her husband didn’t care enough, and was too stupid, to get her proper help. Yeah she’s fucking difficult. But if you enable abusive behavior you’re as bad as the abuser.

Never mind my mom at this point. But the PMDD symptoms are incredibly lessened when I am on birth control. I suspect if I were on other medications it would lessen the symptoms more, but birth control fucks with me enough already that I don’t feel comfortable taking other meds.

And yet I still cried so hard yesterday knowing that one of my friends is hanging out with somebody I had a relationship fallout with. It’s like - you can’t make everyone like you, I know that. And I am in pretty healthy relationships with other people. AND on top of that - I know that I’ve been relentlessly working on improving myself, really fighting very hard to not let my bad thoughts control my life.

I’ve been living in this constant limbo of working on myself, applying healthy coping skills, and improving throughout the month - and then hitting that period of PMDD and feeling like all I worked was for nothing. Like, it does get better on the long run - but the dips can be as debilitating as they are discouraging. It is... harrowing to describe how suicidal I can get during PMDD. And the worst part is, for many years, the feelings just made sense. And even yesterday, and now, the feelings make sense because I do have low self esteem still, something I work really hard on fixing every day.

Being a woman is hell, honestly. I’ve been constantly hounded and accosted for sex since I was 14. Part of it because my abusive relationship with my parents led me into chasing boyfriends at an early age - to replace my dysfunctional relationship with what I hoped would more stable - WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING I WAS DOING IT. Because I was a child. Just wanting stable, reliable affection lol.

I was raped when I was 18. When I confessed what happened to my parents, my dad told me I was asking for it because of what I was wearing. Because I was in his room - even though at that point, we’d been going out for 8 months. And I drew my boundaries clearly. I didn’t want to have sex. I gave him everything else. I basically let him use my body the way he wanted - because I thought if I let a man use my body, my emotional needs wouldn’t be too much. I thought it was a fair exchange, because at that point I hadn’t realized that being in a relationship wasn’t a fucking business deal. Because that’s all I’d been taught.

Even before that relationship all a guy wanted from me in the end was sex. And they were teenage boys - sure. It’s mostly hormones at that point. But I remember my second boyfriend spreading rumors in high school that I was a prude because I refused to have sex with him lol.

In college, I had a grad TA I worked under who would make me do all his work because I was a woman. This isn’t conjecture - he literally said it was a woman’s work to do the “admin” work. AKA - GRADING ENGINEERING PAPERS. WITH PHYSICS, CALCULUS, AND OTHER ENGINEERING SUBJECTS (this was an intro engineering class, it had all the flavors of engineering subjects thrown in). You’re really gonna sit here and tell me the subject of physics is just administrative work to grade. Ok pal. What the fuck ever.

I met another professor in college, when I was doing my final engineering project - it was a data science project, and at that point it was early on before Data Science was a big buzzword. So being seniors in college who were engineering students but not exactly comp sci students (hard to explain) we decided to go to an expert to help get us started. I went with a white guy with whom I was pretty friendly, acquainted with at the time. And then when we met this professor - he basically ripped me a new asshole because I wasn’t “prepared”. And he only yelled at me, and not the guy I was with. “Why are you even asking me such basic questions? Why are you not prepared?” But literally only directing those questions at me, the brown girl in the room. NONE of the hostility at the white guy.

I have other stories. Especially at my last work place - but there’s just a myriad of it and I kind of want to get back to the meat of my story again.

Realizing I have PMDD has just been the icing on the cake on the experience of being a woman tbh. On top of the emotional abuse I experienced my entire life, sexual abuse I faced when I was 18, the struggle of getting through an engineering degree, knowing that every month my struggles basically reset is kind of... wow. It’s almost too much honestly. Idk how I’ve been holding on all this time.

And maybe this is the time I should toot my horn, for the sake of my sanity. I’ve had some pretty cool jobs since I graduated college. Like, the type of jobs that make people IRL go, Wow, when I talk about it. The prestige that comes with it, I won’t lie, is like a straight shot of crack to the brain. I’ve never done crack so I’m sure that was 100% completely scientifically accurate.

But truly, I do wonder how the fuck I’ve made it through all of this. I’ve made it through all of it and I’ve thrived. And on top of it all - I am so thankful for my loving boyfriend who consistently shows me love. I love him so much. It’s easy to take things for granted now, when I feel more stable. Because when I don’t I feel like it’s literally magma trying to escape my pores. The anger, the horrible feelings, are crazy. Are too much.

I need to write about this shit to remind myself what I’ve gone through and what I’ve overcome. And I’ll keep accomplishing things, even when there are times when I don’t feel that way at all. When I feel like things are crumbling around me and it feels like nothing will heal, and nothing will get fixed.

They will if I just ride the feelings out, and know that it is my PMDD. As shitty and horrible as I feel, I know it’s the PMDD. And when I finally bleed, the feeling will pass. And then the cramps will begin lol.

[absolutelynoct]

It’s been a month since my dad passed so right now I’m currently wrapped up in an intense amount of grief with my PMDD on top of it. I had a weird dream about him last night too that basically made everything come back to me, and I have Don McLean’s American Pie stuck in my head. My heart hurts so much today and I really don’t know how I’m going to get through work. I put on the bare minimum amount of makeup that is acceptable (for me) to go to work today cause I know that I’m going to be crying all day.

My dad’s birthday is next week too, and I made sure I had the day off because if this is any indication, I’m going to need it. 

On a related note: I think it’s stupid how people portray suddenly losing a parent in those action movies, games, etc... Like “oh your mom/dad just died in an explosion.” Guess what, Noctis? You’re gonna be crying all day and then off and on until you figure out how to handle the pain. You’re not just gonna go “welp looks like I have a duty to fulfill.” And flat out we as a society need to normalize that pain and grief a lot better, especially in Western society where we’re given a week (max) from our employers to take care of “business” then get back to it. Grief doesn’t stop for anyone, but it sure as hell knows how to stop us in our tracks.

[kingproteus]

Oh yeah now that I’m talking abt PMDD. Being on testosterone has essentially halved my symptoms. Shit isn’t perfect, but it’s MILES away from the PMDD hell I lived in from 9 to 15. Going on T saved my life.

I was forced off T by my stupid insurance last month and it really made me realize that being on T totally saves me from a good 50% of my PMDD symptoms. And the ones that still hang around are at a 50% too.

Course I’m still fucking miserable but I can appreciate that I’m severely LESS miserable than I have been.

[cleoselene]

today has done a great job of going from shittacular to kind of awesome??

beginning of day:

bruised and sore because of 3 falls I’ve had this week

cranky as hell because PMDD

headachey

annoyed because I had to go get my injection

stressed because of house stuff

watched the Cubs get a 6-1 deficit early

now:

went to the dispensary, got weed, feel less pain

got my klonopin script renewed, no longer cranky

noticed the weird gift card thing I have to load to buy weed because of stupid federal laws loaded up, but.... the money didn’t come out of my account.  Confused, I called the gift card people and asked, and the guy was like “I dunno, looks like you got a freebie.”  LMAO OK, thanks!

Cubs came back and won

Cookie Monster did the Wrigley stretch

haven’t fallen down TODAY (though I have been using my cane today to avoid this)

[neonhearted]

pmdd is kicking my ass right now i already know i’m gonna be mad as hell tomorrow. tfw you feel fucking insane. genuinely considering some really stupid things to stay calm. i won’t but like.