#to hell with that stupid pmdd

[kachulein]

I'm proud of myself for being able to make it all the way home and wait until I was in my room to start sobbing🤧

[mutalune]

I woke up at a reasonable time I contacted my realtor I picked out houses to look at this weekend I set up an appt with my mortgage person I did my dishes I did my laundry I took out the piles of trash/empty boxes/etc I decluttered every surface in my apartment I dusted I picked up so much junk that was on the floor I put clothes away I shoved a lot of stuff into boxes and put the boxes in a closet/corner/etc I cleaned my water bottle I cleaned the bathroom I cleaned the window and window sill that I use for late night moody gazing time I fed myself I reviewed my finances I brushed my cat

and I finally feel 72% less overwhelmed by life than I have in ages

All of this is stuff that has been needing done for a long while and somehow I’m supposed to manage these things while also working every day? I’m never going to manage that man I’m going to have to build in “get my life together” staycations into my work time off from now on which is. A bit annoying as that means I have less time off to use for fun things like ACTUALLY GOING ON VACATIONS and doing fun things but I will adjust my life as I need to remain sane because I will love myself and meet myself where I’m at instead of trying to force me to be a way that I’m not 😙

And now. It is 5PM. I have worked enough today. It’s now edible + sudoku + bob’s burgers time baybeeeee 😎

[alsaurus-loves-dean]

.

[tofu-bento-box]

having comorbidities that contradict/contraindicate each other is so stupid man.

you have PMDD. every time you get your period you spend the week before on the edge of a major depressive episode and lose all hope for the future. unfortunately for you, you also have PCOS, which makes Hell Week entirely unpredictable.

so you try to stabilize and predict Hell Week via birth control. but wait! you have migraines with aura! all hormonal birth control is now contraindicated for you, because it increases your risk of death.

ah, well, fuck. okay, well, you have pcos and your hormones are out of wack, let’s get those back on track. but guess what! that’s hormonal birth control again! so your testosterone stays high, and you have chronic acne now.

well, okay, let’s leave the hormones alone. let’s just deal with the acne. however the high-strength acne prescriptions cause such bad birth defects that you are almost legally required to be on some form of birth control. can you see where i’m going with this?

okay, so birth control would “solve” all your problems at the risk of maybe making one thing worse. let’s chance it. oops! you’re now horrifically depressed for a third of every month—and not just that, but your migraines did get worse, and now you’re barely functional.

fuck fuck fuck, get off that. stop taking that. go get an MRI just in case. well, i hope you enjoy migraines, because for some reason that birth control experiment did lasting damage. but don’t worry, your MRI is completely clean!

just. comorbidities, man.

[maidofmetal]

it's astounding to me how dedicated my sister is to being the world's biggest fucking cunt. she has always been incredibly sanist n when I became physically disabled she became very abelist towards me too. she is always incredibly invalidating n I think she genuinely thinks I'm stupid because I don't have a college degree(i had to drop out cuz i kept trying to kill myself 🙄). she won't listen to me about ANYTHING. she literally called a political movement from the 70s (anti psych) CLOSED MINDED and she had the AUDACITY to tell me the dsm is a 'doctors bible' when I was trying to complain about my doctor not believing I pmdd during ovulation cuz it's not in the dsm 🙄 I am also very easily gaslight-able because I'm dissociated to hell and cant remember anything. n she very much takes advantage of that 🫠 she never ever respects my boundaries even after literally BEGGING her not to do something. she's constantly telling me I should go to therapy even tho i have quite literally been in therapy since I was 3 and am still currently in therapy AND was in therapy during my suicide attempts. bitch don't u think therapy would give helped me by now jfc. also she refuses to go to therapy so ?????

I blocked her last week. it was supposed to only be temporary but I think for the sake of my mental health I cannot talk to her anymore. I legit get distressed whenever we talk. she's just incredibly BAD for my mental health and I cannot afford to be triggered by her just cuz we have a relationship.

fuck her man. FUCK HER.

[icedmetaltea]

dude pmdd hit me seemingly MIDWAY THROUGH YESTERDAY ALL AT ONCE I want to fucking scream

I'm bloated and sore and getting mood swings and anxious as hell and depressed as fuck and acne-ridden... had a good long cry yesterday and it helped for a bit but today I'm equally fucked up

and going over each and every convo with the social worker and feeling like I messed up everything and she hates me and wishes I was dead... like I asked if we could do a remote session and she just replied with "sure"

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN does it mean you're incredibly disappointed with me

does it mean “wow kelsey we're going to have zero stuff to talk about so who cares which way we do it”

“cause how are you supposed to get exposure therapy if you're not getting out to the car w/ me idiot”

(texted her again to see if we can just reschedule cause come on there's nothing to talk about till we get replies from the disability lawyer and the paperwork we need for the tuition forgiveness thing and I can actually go outside bc rn I'm an anxious wreck who'd throw up if I even looked at a car)

and I forgot my mom's birthday yesterday on top of everything else, my dad had to text me a little reminder and that was AFTER I sent her a bunch of panicked messages about project 2025 (which thankfully she didn't see and I deleted before she could, but damn, I feel like every time I try to talk about politics with her the world punishes me for it) and I sent her an ecard but it was already like 8pm at that point and though she thanked me I feel like she was disappointed for me to forget- plus I obvs couldn't get her any birthday gift bc I'm broke as fuck

and on top of everything else last night it got really really bad (the birthday thing was the icing on the cake) and I ended up getting the stupid urge to cut again. i was able to control it enough to reach for my bag of rubber bands and use one, it's been like half a year since I've done that and now I feel disappointed in myself, but I couldn't take it anymore and honestly I'll probably do it again today

I'm a disappointment to everyone. To the social worker. To mom and dad. To my sister. To my friends. To everyone. And everyone would be happy if I was gone

and sure I'm sure this is just hormones talking bc last week I had interests, I was smiling, I was watching stupid meme vids and not wanting to blow my brains out but since yesterday it's all I've been able to think about, how fucked the world is, how we're gonna go into a civil and/or revolutionary war and climate change is fucked so I might as well go before I have to suffer too much right?? But then I feel like I should suffer because I deserve to. I'm so pathetic.

Now all my interests are gone. I can't smile. I have no appetite but I'm so goddamned hungry. Any progress I made on fixing my sleep schedule is gone cause I didn't fall asleep till 7am. I doubt I'll be able to go outside today. I doubt I'll be able to do anything today but be curled up in bed wanting to off myself.

I feel like everybody's sick of me and my emotions. What if they think I'm manipulating them?? Then I try to rationalize that like "wow you'd have to be pretty impressive if you somehow accidentally managed to manipulate everyone without even trying to and while being as bad at puzzles and logic games as you are" like I've been taught with therapy time and time again but of course that only works so well when danny's voice is echoing in my head.

The worst part is I never know if it's just PMDD making me feel this way or if it's just pulling away the blinds of distraction and making me see myself and the world for how it is

I'm so tired

[kingproteus]

What’s PMDD then?

Informational post by a post-hysto trans guy :) (btw terfs fuck off and burn in hell)

For me, PMDD was a circular pattern of my mood randomly going to shit, and pulling my life in after it. I’d then, for reasons unclear to me pre-diagnosis, have a few days (normally three or four) where I felt really good. I hadn’t noticed this circle followed my cycle for most of my early to late teens, because why would it? I’d never been told about PMDD, and all the uterus-havers in my family had the same issues I did.

I went through doctors, was cleared for bpd, borderline, asd, adhd, ibs, high blood pressure, and finally was settled into the “depression” and “anxiety without social anxiety” camps. Yay.

Of course, when I put the pieces together at 16 or so, it became clear to me that PMDD was the reason for this. The monthly times at which my life got shittier and shittier were placed before my period started, and evened out when I got my period, and went away a few days before my period ended. Then I had a few days of feeling good, a few days of feeling just okay, and then it was back to hell.

The first doctor I went to about my PMDD diagnosis immediately diagnosed me. She said it was obvious I had it. It was crazy, I had expected a fight over it.

This, of course, made getting on antidepressants a stupid hard task. I’d go on something and think it was working, but jokes on me that was just my PMDD letting up. Or I’d switch meds in a panic only to realize my extreme depression was my PMDD fucking me over.

In the end, I just got a laparoscopic hysterectomy with ovarian removal. I’m about two weeks post-op now, and I feel better than normal. I’m back to jogging and doing all my normal stuff. 10/10 surgery.

So… why the fuck does PMDD do this?

I’m obviously not an expert, just a sufferer, but the basic reason is my body freaks out when my hormones fluctuate. My body couldn’t figure out that my sex organs were doing a natural cyclical job, one they did every month. So my body went on high alert. People can have a mix of physical and emotional symptoms. Extreme depression, difficulty concentrating and remembering stuff, anxiety, insane back pain, some people even have worse vision.

When I got on T at 15, my symptoms were lessened by 50%. It HALVED my symptoms. It was a godsend. Seriously, I can’t stress what a good decision it was for me.

As it’s only been a few weeks for me, I can’t speak to how hysterectomy has effected me. I’ll definitely write some follow up posts about it all once I’ve gathered my thoughts.

The reason I post all this is because I’ve spent my whole fucking life, well, since I was 9 and got my first period, feeling like the only fucking trans guy with PMDD in the whole world. This shit was confusing, all the experts didn’t know what to do with me and my T levels, and I wasn’t welcome or comfortable in any PMDD-specific space.

It felt like shit, and I was lonely, and I literally only realized I had it 3 years ago.

Being a trans guy can already be an insanely lonely experience, but being a trans guy with a VERY uterus-specific problem even more so. But I’m done being embarrassed about it, or assuming people will use it to discredit my identity.

I’m just posting this because I want my account of it SOMEWHERE. Just to say that being a trans dude with PMDD is survivable, and normal, and fine. I’ve a good life and a great boyfriend and a kickass family. If my nine year old self could see me now he’d be amazed.

But yeah, shit gets better and PMDD can go fuck itself right beside my ovaries in the medical waste dumpster at the hospital.

[2clementines]

The last couple of weeks have been HELL!!!

Got COVID at the same time as my luteal phase (I have PMDD so luteal is extra horrible and makes me suic*dal enough as it is)

Wasted my break from school trying to rest and get better. Got zero marking done.

Learned a LOT about Long COVID because my health anxiety got super activated and convinced myself I’m going to have it and never be able to workout or live a normal life again.

Finally got over COVID. The day I tested negative…. My period started.

Day one of my period I experienced the worst cramps of my entire life. Literally the worst physical pain I have ever experienced. I tried taking a hot bath to help and almost fainted getting out of the tub. Took some gummies and had to lay in bed (still wet from the bath) waiting for them to take effect.

Bled the most I have ever bled in my life. I’ve never gone through that many products or ruined that many pairs of undies before (and that’s WITH a Diva cup - it just overflows because they don’t fit me properly).

Now finally in day four the cramps have eased up but now I have a horrible migraine. I keep almost throwing up from the nausea. So I’m lying in bed with all the shades drawn curled up with my heating pad and my stupid frozen migraine cap on my head with my phone brightness turned down to the lowest level just hoping this goes away soon.

Surprisingly after my (very mild) COVID symptoms passed my mood really improved but omg I just want to stop being in discomfort!!!! Please :(

[tinyfrog-jpg]

im so tired

im so tired of my body betraying me

of bleeding for several months straight

for no fucking reason

it hurts

i dont want this

i barely even want this part of me

everything hurts

how am i expected to get up and exist everyday when im constantly bleeding and in pain

where the hell is my body even getting this blood from?!?!?!?!

some days i bleed so much it gets onto my blankets,,

my back hurts

my legs hurt

my hips hurt

and my feet hurt from carrying all this hurt

my eyes hurt from crying about it

but crying isnt helping anymore

no matter how many tears i shed its not fixing the fact that my doctors arent listening to me

im scared

why is my body doing this

i just want to exist

happily

this stupid body makes hard to want that,,

i have a disorder that makes my periods worse too

pmdd

but because the world doesnt give a shit about afabs we dont know *why*

and they dont care enough about *me* to take me seriously

im tired

i think im gonna head to bed

maybe i wont wake up in my own blood, sweat, and tears tomorrow

[bitchywaldof]

I hate how much hormones shape my life.

Right now I’m experiencing what many PMDD suffers call ‘hell week’. For me what I experience for the 5 days I ovulate is such intense waves of agitation, mania, depression and anxiety. One moment I feel invincible but the next I am at the bottom of a never ending pit of doom where I feel like the world is ending and I’m the only one who knows.

What I hate the most about these 5 days is that my creativity is splat, my usually crux that I rely on to get me out of episodes doesn’t work cause my brain struggles to find the words to work emails or think of what to cook for dinner makes me feel stupid.

The increase in my medication has been helping in that I don’t want to ship myself off to an island and self isolate but I’m still struggling.

[nihilisme]

y’all know what time it is. i can’t sleep so i’m gonna write

I talk about some pretty heavy shit later on - so don’t read if you get triggered by sexual assault/rape/abuse etc.

It’s nearing my period and every time it’s close to my period, my PMDD symptoms flare up. For those who don’t know, it’s PMS pumped to the max. You have extremely horrible thoughts, yes, at times, suicidal - you feel incredibly hopeless, and it’s basically just this guaranteed time slot every month of where you will feel like utter, utter shit. Without fail.

Funny enough I’ve never noticed that the horrible feelings are a recurring cycle until I met my current boyfriend. And to my horror, I realized my mom had been dealing with this for years. She’d have horrible fits of rage during this time, and I honestly feel so bad that her husband didn’t care enough, and was too stupid, to get her proper help. Yeah she’s fucking difficult. But if you enable abusive behavior you’re as bad as the abuser.

Never mind my mom at this point. But the PMDD symptoms are incredibly lessened when I am on birth control. I suspect if I were on other medications it would lessen the symptoms more, but birth control fucks with me enough already that I don’t feel comfortable taking other meds.

And yet I still cried so hard yesterday knowing that one of my friends is hanging out with somebody I had a relationship fallout with. It’s like - you can’t make everyone like you, I know that. And I am in pretty healthy relationships with other people. AND on top of that - I know that I’ve been relentlessly working on improving myself, really fighting very hard to not let my bad thoughts control my life.

I’ve been living in this constant limbo of working on myself, applying healthy coping skills, and improving throughout the month - and then hitting that period of PMDD and feeling like all I worked was for nothing. Like, it does get better on the long run - but the dips can be as debilitating as they are discouraging. It is... harrowing to describe how suicidal I can get during PMDD. And the worst part is, for many years, the feelings just made sense. And even yesterday, and now, the feelings make sense because I do have low self esteem still, something I work really hard on fixing every day.

Being a woman is hell, honestly. I’ve been constantly hounded and accosted for sex since I was 14. Part of it because my abusive relationship with my parents led me into chasing boyfriends at an early age - to replace my dysfunctional relationship with what I hoped would more stable - WITHOUT EVEN REALIZING I WAS DOING IT. Because I was a child. Just wanting stable, reliable affection lol.

I was raped when I was 18. When I confessed what happened to my parents, my dad told me I was asking for it because of what I was wearing. Because I was in his room - even though at that point, we’d been going out for 8 months. And I drew my boundaries clearly. I didn’t want to have sex. I gave him everything else. I basically let him use my body the way he wanted - because I thought if I let a man use my body, my emotional needs wouldn’t be too much. I thought it was a fair exchange, because at that point I hadn’t realized that being in a relationship wasn’t a fucking business deal. Because that’s all I’d been taught.

Even before that relationship all a guy wanted from me in the end was sex. And they were teenage boys - sure. It’s mostly hormones at that point. But I remember my second boyfriend spreading rumors in high school that I was a prude because I refused to have sex with him lol.

In college, I had a grad TA I worked under who would make me do all his work because I was a woman. This isn’t conjecture - he literally said it was a woman’s work to do the “admin” work. AKA - GRADING ENGINEERING PAPERS. WITH PHYSICS, CALCULUS, AND OTHER ENGINEERING SUBJECTS (this was an intro engineering class, it had all the flavors of engineering subjects thrown in). You’re really gonna sit here and tell me the subject of physics is just administrative work to grade. Ok pal. What the fuck ever.

I met another professor in college, when I was doing my final engineering project - it was a data science project, and at that point it was early on before Data Science was a big buzzword. So being seniors in college who were engineering students but not exactly comp sci students (hard to explain) we decided to go to an expert to help get us started. I went with a white guy with whom I was pretty friendly, acquainted with at the time. And then when we met this professor - he basically ripped me a new asshole because I wasn’t “prepared”. And he only yelled at me, and not the guy I was with. “Why are you even asking me such basic questions? Why are you not prepared?” But literally only directing those questions at me, the brown girl in the room. NONE of the hostility at the white guy.

I have other stories. Especially at my last work place - but there’s just a myriad of it and I kind of want to get back to the meat of my story again.

Realizing I have PMDD has just been the icing on the cake on the experience of being a woman tbh. On top of the emotional abuse I experienced my entire life, sexual abuse I faced when I was 18, the struggle of getting through an engineering degree, knowing that every month my struggles basically reset is kind of... wow. It’s almost too much honestly. Idk how I’ve been holding on all this time.

And maybe this is the time I should toot my horn, for the sake of my sanity. I’ve had some pretty cool jobs since I graduated college. Like, the type of jobs that make people IRL go, Wow, when I talk about it. The prestige that comes with it, I won’t lie, is like a straight shot of crack to the brain. I’ve never done crack so I’m sure that was 100% completely scientifically accurate.

But truly, I do wonder how the fuck I’ve made it through all of this. I’ve made it through all of it and I’ve thrived. And on top of it all - I am so thankful for my loving boyfriend who consistently shows me love. I love him so much. It’s easy to take things for granted now, when I feel more stable. Because when I don’t I feel like it’s literally magma trying to escape my pores. The anger, the horrible feelings, are crazy. Are too much.

I need to write about this shit to remind myself what I’ve gone through and what I’ve overcome. And I’ll keep accomplishing things, even when there are times when I don’t feel that way at all. When I feel like things are crumbling around me and it feels like nothing will heal, and nothing will get fixed.

They will if I just ride the feelings out, and know that it is my PMDD. As shitty and horrible as I feel, I know it’s the PMDD. And when I finally bleed, the feeling will pass. And then the cramps will begin lol.

[absolutelynoct]

It’s been a month since my dad passed so right now I’m currently wrapped up in an intense amount of grief with my PMDD on top of it. I had a weird dream about him last night too that basically made everything come back to me, and I have Don McLean’s American Pie stuck in my head. My heart hurts so much today and I really don’t know how I’m going to get through work. I put on the bare minimum amount of makeup that is acceptable (for me) to go to work today cause I know that I’m going to be crying all day.

My dad’s birthday is next week too, and I made sure I had the day off because if this is any indication, I’m going to need it. 

On a related note: I think it’s stupid how people portray suddenly losing a parent in those action movies, games, etc... Like “oh your mom/dad just died in an explosion.” Guess what, Noctis? You’re gonna be crying all day and then off and on until you figure out how to handle the pain. You’re not just gonna go “welp looks like I have a duty to fulfill.” And flat out we as a society need to normalize that pain and grief a lot better, especially in Western society where we’re given a week (max) from our employers to take care of “business” then get back to it. Grief doesn’t stop for anyone, but it sure as hell knows how to stop us in our tracks.

[cleoselene]

today has done a great job of going from shittacular to kind of awesome??

beginning of day:

bruised and sore because of 3 falls I’ve had this week

cranky as hell because PMDD

headachey

annoyed because I had to go get my injection

stressed because of house stuff

watched the Cubs get a 6-1 deficit early

now:

went to the dispensary, got weed, feel less pain

got my klonopin script renewed, no longer cranky

noticed the weird gift card thing I have to load to buy weed because of stupid federal laws loaded up, but.... the money didn’t come out of my account.  Confused, I called the gift card people and asked, and the guy was like “I dunno, looks like you got a freebie.”  LMAO OK, thanks!

Cubs came back and won

Cookie Monster did the Wrigley stretch

haven’t fallen down TODAY (though I have been using my cane today to avoid this)

[icedmetaltea]

Health anxiety: something is wrong Me: no dude lol you're being dramatic everything is fine Body: randomly develops a nut allergy (?) Body: blood pressure consistently 130-150/80-110 at night for some reason Body: suddenly can't tolerate yogurt- including lactose free Body: Mysteriously loses 1-2 lbs per week when not on diet past month Body: constant anxiety even when not pmsing Health anxiety: come on man Me: EVERYTHING IS FINE EVERYTHING IS FINE EVERYTHING IS FINE WE'RE DEFINITELY NOT GETTING CANCER OR HEART DISEASE OR ANYTHING AHAHAHAHAHAHA

(incoherent venty stuff below, tw for suicidal thoughts and just... idk weird psychosis type stuff ig)

I can't even go to the doctor cause agoraphobia and like... even then they just blame everything on anxiety. Even when my BP is this erratic, anywhere from 110/60-156/110, and I can't make a telehealth appointment for some goddamned reason that they won't explain

And I don't know if they'll sign that form so I can get ebt and ya know not starve (I sent it via email but I got said email from a static-filled call so I don't even know if it's the right address or if they'll do it digitally)

And from the sounds of things they won't make me a note to file for a tuition appeal so I'll be saddled with a $700 fine that'll go to collections if I can't pay it by december WHEN I HAVE $600 IN MY BANK and I need it to pay for basic living essentials till I can get approved for SSI IF I even can which will take at LEAST 6 months

and everything adds up, toothepaste, paper towels, laundry soap, dish soap, sponges, trashbags, pads... the list goes on and it adds up so fast

And nobody aside from the therapist has shown any goddamned empathy for me when I've made calls, it reaaaally feels like the doctors and nurses just hope I kill myself, cause it'd be easier for them, cause I'm a burden, cause it's easier for me to die than for them to make me a telehealth appointment or sign a goddamned 1-paper form so I can fucking feed myself and not be saddled with debt

it'd be so much easier for everyone

I've been thinking about blowing my brains out all day. it used to be just when I was pmsing but it's been pretty much all month when my imaginary friend isn't distracting me with stupid shit and/or age regressing to cope

I just think, sure the gun would be expensive but then I wouldn't have to worry about money anymore, or panic attacks, or being a financial burden to my mom, or being a disappointment, or PMDD, or sleeping till 4pm when the depression gets bad, or anything

Nothing at all. Just blackness. Or maybe there's something after death, idk. Maybe I'm going to heaven or hell, but either way hopefully things just... are different there. No more capitalism. No more mental health shit. No more jobs and school and people working just to work and then die, no more of your worth getting judged by how smart you are or how valuable you are as a wage slave

No more heart pounding, no more gasping for air for the 20th time as I try to sleep, no more walking around in dreams where I feel like a ghost (and yet I look forward to it bc at least it's... different. It's somewhere than isn't here) no more waking up disappointed that I even woke up

No more thinking about how my parents are gonna die someday and then I'll really be alone

No more thinking about how my sibling left me

No more thinking about how my best friend left me

No more anything

I don't expect to make it to the end of this year. I don't know when I'll do it but it's kinda a given. I should've just let myself freeze to death back in December like I'd originally planned. At least I could die to something I loved. Why'd I bother sticking around? What have I gained? I'm just living to live

What, to finish all those books? I have hundreds, I'll never finish them all

To finish that game? I'll never finish that either

To get on SSI? I probably won't even be approved before trump takes power (be honest with yourself, you know he will. A war's coming and it ain't lookin good for people like us. He wants people like us dead)

It's so dark and lonely tonight. I have a billion thoughts in my head and it's supposed to be better now bc it's not my luteal or follicular phase... I can't even have the one good week I'm supposed to have PMDD-wise

I just can't stop thinking about how much better everything would be without me. And idk I feel kinda in a way like said imaginary friend is like... idk shutting down my body somehow. Cause even they know it's for the best. I know that's just psychosis brain talking cause they're not real but at times like these I wonder

But man, I wish if that was the case they'd make it quick and painless. A gun would be easier, just saying. Oh but it'd be too loud, make too much of a mess, blah blah blah... it's quick and effective. Sure it might not work and turn me into a vegetable. Prolly wouldn't though. It works more often than hanging/blood loss/jumping. I know they don't want me gone but even they have to admit it's about time. They've known it for a long time. I should've frozen to death. It would've been quick in 0 degree weather. We could've listened to music. Mom and dad wouldn't have found us till morning.

But no. Just had to chicken out

Ugh

[kingproteus]

Oh yeah now that I’m talking abt PMDD. Being on testosterone has essentially halved my symptoms. Shit isn’t perfect, but it’s MILES away from the PMDD hell I lived in from 9 to 15. Going on T saved my life.

I was forced off T by my stupid insurance last month and it really made me realize that being on T totally saves me from a good 50% of my PMDD symptoms. And the ones that still hang around are at a 50% too.

Course I’m still fucking miserable but I can appreciate that I’m severely LESS miserable than I have been.

[neonhearted]

pmdd is kicking my ass right now i already know i’m gonna be mad as hell tomorrow. tfw you feel fucking insane. genuinely considering some really stupid things to stay calm. i won’t but like.