#to be fair the fourth movie is the first one i watched so i don’t know how stuff works in these movies

[hana-loves-bumblebees]

Dammit I thought the castlecoming “prank” would be that Ella promised to go with Bridget but would stand her up to go with Charming, which would make the “it was cruel” from the Queen of Hearts to Cinderella all the more potent. Ah well

[nouearth]

baby-sitting for miguel o'hara.

miguel o'hara x m!reader headcanons.

part ii.

warnings: smut, perverted!miguel, stalker!miguel, top!miguel, bottom!male reader, small!male reader, weak!male reader, sir!kink, thoughts of sex, masturbation, fingering, spying, kinda dubcon (?), heavily focused on sweat and smelly musk (hehe).

notes: say hi to my first miguel story! i couldn't stop thinking about him ever since I rewatched the movie, tbh.

—at first, miguel was rather reluctant to hire you for babysitting.

—your experience was almost non-existent, if it hadn’t been for that one time you babysat your nephew… eight years ago. of course, you left that part of information out.

—but miguel deemed you trustworthy, concluded that so even before he ran a background check on you.

—and so far, he seemed correct.

—on the first day, he was just as nervous as you were, leaving his precious and sacred gift to the world with a complete stranger—it was frightening and if he had the choice, he wouldn’t have done this.

—he would tell you about the cameras installed throughout the house—mostly for the safety of gabriella’s, but your well-being was also a considerate factor in this choice. 

—you were small, and if miguel said that you looked weak, you’d probably say a questionable thank you considering how quietly submissive you were towards him.

—later that first night, miguel knew he made the right choice in picking you (out of a measly three candidates, but still). 

—you managed to get gabriella to sleep by her bedtime, one routine that miguel still hadn’t figured out yet.

—but to be fair, babies woke up and slept according to their own terms, so did they really have a bedtime other than day, afternoon, and night?

—like the first night of many, you bid him goodbye after being paid.

—goodnight, sir! i’m pretty much free all summer until my semester starts, so if you need me on stand by or something… go crazy!

—all right, I’ll keep that in mind. 

—and… thank you.

—something ignited in him when you guys spoke. it must’ve been… what, your fourth interaction together? 

—the first few have been more formal—interviewing you, introducing you to gabriella, and checking up on you with a phone call. it was limited, a thick barrier that miguel would put up between you and him because it was work—just work.

—even though he sent you off fairly quick, the interaction was long enough for him study you like he never did before. 

—he never realized how handsome you were, optimism practically seeping from your smile to your voice. it was a stark contrast to his moodiness, strained by the constant amount of stress put on by work, and furthermore by an ongoing divorce case.

—but he liked you, more than he’d like to admit.

—miguel liked the way you would tuck your shirt into your pants. a younger version of him would’ve labelled you a nerd, church boy even.

—but he found it attractive when the fabric laid on your chest with the right amount of tightness—a slightest exposure that would have him staring for an embarrassing amount of time.

—he also found it attractive when the peak of summer closed in on you.

—one day, you would show up at his doorstep in shorts.

—you preferred walking. 

—no wonder you were so radiant to him, you practically soaked in the sun every day before you two would meet.

—sorry if i look like a mess, sir- i look gross, don’t i?

—that feeling in him returned again, churned like butter as he would watch the sweat calmly roll down your aching legs.

—i’d be lying if i told you no, wouldn’t i?

—you were a mess, miguel would go on to agree to himself. not because of the way your hair sparkled in the sun as it latched onto sweat—but because of the way you were completely oblivious to how you made him feel.

—it only grew stronger with subsequent meetings.

—you can use my shower, you know. it’s gotta be uncomfortable to be sweaty in those clothes for—what—eight hours?

—no, no! I’m fine, sir. i don’t think it would be right of me to-

—well, just throwing it out there in case you needed to. 

—next time, then!

—and the next time, you would carry an extra bag of clothes because you and miguel both knew the outcome.

—it was a proud moment when miguel could smell his body wash on you when you left that night.

—sure, he probably bought the most generic brand he could find. but he has never smelt that scent on you before, so it inflated his ego to know that you’d be walking home in his usual scent.

—sleeping in his scent.

—like every other night, a shower would mark the end of miguel’s day. it was his favorite pastime—all thoughts were left behind as soon as he stepped under the shower head, letting the warm spray of water wash him of stress.

—when he stepped out, something caught his eye in the corner of the tiled floor—something blue.

—your briefs. 

—you forgot to take your briefs with you because you were rushing when you heard gabriella suddenly cry.

—it would’ve been off-putting by anyone else, but this was you.

—this was your briefs, miguel would then hold up like a trophy. a piece of fabric that would contain and cover you—touch your most vulnerable parts.

—with the current feelings miguel had for you, it would’ve been a missed opportunity if he simply threw it in the washer.

—so, he doesn’t.

—11 am. where miguel would usually find himself sleeping by this hour—he was inhaling the scent of your musk instead, scrunching your sweat-stained briefs to his face as he jerked off in bed.

—in all honestly, he was ashamed to admit that he loved the smell of your sweat.

—but miguel would nonetheless take deep whiffs, desperate to smell you in your most vulnerable state.

—and he comes at the very last second when he can.

—it wasn’t enough for him though, so miguel doesn’t waste a single second to jerk himself off again—his cum lubing his sensitive cock up with a generous amount of stickiness and slick.

—good morning, sir!

—(m/n), i thought i said that you can call me miguel?

—oh… right! sorry, that completely slipped my mind. i must’ve forgotten.

—never stop forgetting, miguel muttered to himself, fucking his heavy cock into  the depth of your briefs.

—he loved the way you called him sir. it made him feel authoriative and only fueled his want and need to protect you—you and your weak body. 

—you’d be powerless if something were to happen to you, and the chances of that happening were well in your wits since you continued to insist on walking home.

—unbeknownst to you, every night miguel would follow you in the shadows—an undisclosed bodyguard of some sort—until you reached home.

—even then, he wasn’t fully relaxed because most crimes always took place domestically.

—he would watch you from below, through your window, for quite some time, making sure your parents’ house was a danger-free zone. 

—and it wasn’t until you took your pants off and began stroking yourself through those same blue briefs, that he was finally at peace. 

—fuck... miguel stopped fucking into your briefs to take another whiff of the fabric until his nostrils stung—a mixture of you and him together now. 

—the fabric clung around miguel’s cock as his thick precum was the only glue that pieced him and the presence of you together. 

—he would think back to how you would suck on two of your fingers as you stroked yourself to nothing but lewd thoughts—your eyes tightly closed to visualize your perverted mind into reality. 

—what are you thinking about? who are you thinking about? is it me? are you thinking about my cock?

—the air in his bedroom has gotten heavier, thick with sex as he sweated under the cloud of you fingering yourself with the clumsiest yet neediest precision.

—he spat on his cock to slick it up again—because he could go on for hours—replaying back to the night where he watched you completely juxtapose with the innocent image he had of you prior.

—your hips were lifted up, legs awkwardly bent back as you dug into yourself, working your hole open deeper with one, then two, then three fingers because—miguel was right. like a spell, you were thinking of him and his cock.

—he had to be big, you were so sure of it. the fact that you strained your neck from looking up at him was a telling sign that he was, as ignorant as that was.

—and you were practically drooling at the thought of his cock stuffing you with the most fulfilling amount of pain and pleasure.

—you’d want him to be ruthless with you and show no mercy as he couldn’t care less about the way you whimpered and cried out for him to stop.

—fucking you from behind as his strong arms held you in a headlock, applying pressure that would frighten a choke out of you.

—because you were nothing but his fuck toy.

—it was all overwhelming for miguel on that night, almost too good to be true and he had to squeeze his cock through his sweats to make sure this was reality.

—you would confirm that it was, with the image of you coming all over your chest and stomach, all to the pathetic plunging of your fingers.

—and miguel does too, coming powerfully, to the point of shudders running down his broad back, into a part of your briefs where it would hold your own dick because he wants his smell to be imprinted on you, inked deep into your flesh.

—until you smelled like his.

nouearth. please do not repost, plagiarize, or translate my works. and if you like this story, please reblog and leave a like!

[braunaza]

saccharine summer .•° ✿

➸ ᴇʟʟɪᴇ ᴡɪʟʟɪᴀᴍꜱ x ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

ᴘᴀʀᴛ ᴛʜʀᴇᴇ

➸ candied comprehension

ᴍʏ ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ ꜱᴇʀɪᴇꜱ ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ

ᴘᴀʀᴛ ꜰᴏᴜʀ

∘◦❀◦∘ so sorry this took so long to come out! i’ve been really busy with both work and hockey so i’ve not had much time for writing recently

∘◦❀◦∘ warnings -> (very) light swearing

∘◦❀◦∘ loser!ellie x (lowkey) loser!reader + acquaintances to lovers + friends(?) to lovers, fluff!

Ellie was mortified.

She had asked Joel to help her set up the projector within her room so that the two of you could have a movie marathon. However, whilst doing so, Joel had decided to grace you with his many unfunny jokes.

“Ellie and I went to the aquarium last week. We didn’t stay long though.” He said whilst plugging wires into a small box. “There was something fishy about that place.”

Despite the lameness of the joke, you still let out a polite giggle. This was the first time you had met Joel. He seemed nice, and whilst Ellie would never admit it, you thought that his sense of humour was very similar to hers. Her jokes were equally as unfunny as his.

“Can you hurry up?” Ellie groaned as humiliation filled her voice.

“Am I embarrassing you in front of your girlfriend?” Joel quipped as he finished setting up.

At his words, Ellie murmured under her breath that you “weren’t her girlfriend” before quickly ushering him out of her bedroom. Hurriedly, she shut her door behind him and turned to you.

“Sorry about him.” She said sheepishly, causing you to snicker slightly.

“Don’t worry about it. I thought his jokes were sweet.” You responded as you looked around Ellie’s room. You couldn’t help but chuckle at the sight of the many posters decorating the walls. How many Star Wars posters did someone need? The whole area was methodically messy with a couple of hoodies strewed across the floor. The disorder wasn’t that bad, but that was only because she had rapidly tidied the room before your arrival. The whole bedroom was very Ellie.

Ellie grabbed her phone, which Joel had already connected to the projector, off of her scuffed nightstand before opening Disney Plus. As she did so, you lay yourself down on her bed; making yourself comfortable.

“Aren’t these movies for children?” Ellie questioned as she clicked on the first Descendants film.

“They’re for everyone.” You retorted as you took a handful of sweet popcorn from the bag. “To be fair, Ever After High was way better than Descendants. I can’t believe you’ve never watched either of them before. They’re so good.” Ellie shrugged in response. Growing up, she had never been one to watch Disney movies. They weren’t exactly her thing.

“I’ll take your word for it.” She said as she started the first film. As the opening narration began, you snuggled yourself into her Spider-Man duvet. Ellie could feel you moving against her, and it was distracting. You were distracting. She could barely focus on the film as you settled yourself beside her.

As the movie went on, Ellie realised that her previous assumption about it being for adolescents was correct. However, you were completely taken by nostalgia to realise. You would let out childlike laughs at their simple jokes and would loudly sing along during the musical numbers, especially during ‘Did I Mention’ and ‘If Only’. As Ellie watched you, she saw that you seemed completely enthralled in the movie. It was actually really cute. Overall, whilst you thought it was a masterpiece, Ellie thought the first movie was just alright. It wasn’t exactly the most thrilling but if you enjoyed it, she was happy.

“The second movie’s the best one.” You stated as the ending song, ��Set It Off’, began playing. “In order from best to worst, it goes the second one, first one, and then the third one.”

“Isn’t there a fourth one that just came out?”

“We don’t talk about that one.” You responded quickly. Ellie snickered at your snappy response before clicking on the second film.

Ellie had to agree. The second movie was far better. From the general plot to the songs, everything was just ten times better.

“She’s so fit.” You said out of the blue causing Ellie to turn her head sharply before her slit eyebrows raised out of confusion. In response, you nodded your head towards the projection as it cuts to a scene with Uma and Mal within the chip shop. “I think Uma’s really fit.” You clarified with a small chuckle. “She’s just so rugged and cool. I thought she was so hot when I was younger.”

“Not really my type.” Ellie responded with a shrug as she continued to look at you.

“What is your type then?” Your voice was so velvety when you asked her that question. Slowly, you brought your soft eyes off of the film and to her. Ellie’s breath hitched. You were so close to her. In fact, you were practically snuggling against her. In this position, all Ellie could smell was your obnoxiously sweet perfume. It was suffocating her. Ellie silently stared into your eyes for a moment before bringing her attention back to the movie; leaving your question unanswered.

For the rest of the movie, Ellie was constantly aware of you. She was aware of how close you were to her. She was aware of your gentle gasping; your soft giggles. She was aware of everything.

After what felt like an eternity, the credits started to roll. Ellie took this as an opportunity to quickly pull herself up off of her bed and escape your presence. Following her lead, you softly sat up out of your lying position.

“Why don’t we get something to eat?” Ellie muttered; her voice slightly shaking as she spoke. “It’s already past midnight and we didn’t have dinner. We can’t just eat sweets and popcorn, you know.”

You laughed at her words.

“When did you become so responsible?” You jested causing Ellie to let out an airy, awkward laugh.

After you both made your way down the creaking stairs, Ellie opened the kitchen door for you allowing you to enter. Joel was already inside as he read a book called ‘An Idiot’s Guide To Space’. Ellie made her way past him and over to the fridge as she swung it open and took out a frozen pizza. As she chucked the box onto the table where Joel was sitting, he let out a scoff.

“What happened to please and thank you?” Joel gruffed as he took off his small reading glasses. Ellie rolled her eyes in response before grumbling out a small ‘thanks’ in response. Joel stood up before making his way over to his old fashioned oven and unpackaging the cardboard box. As he did so, Ellie slumped herself down on a chair that was previously tucked into the kitchen island. You followed her as you gracefully placed yourself down in the seat next to her.

“Thank you for having me, Mr Miller.” You spoke up softly as he cooked the pizza for the two of you.

“It’s no problem.” Joel responded before looking over at Ellie. “You are an extremely polite girl. Perhaps, you’ll influence this one.” You couldn’t help the small chuckle that left your lips. At his words, Ellie stuck her tongue out as you observed their rascally relationship. Watching the dynamic between Ellie and Joel was very sweet and you couldn’t help the smile that blossomed on your face at their interactions.

“You’re not funny.” She retorted.

“Your friend thinks I’m funny.” As Joel spoke, Ellie swivelled her head only to catch you in the act of smiling. She let out a long sigh before tutting and jokingly muttering out the word ‘traitor’.

After half an hour of back and forths, the pizza was finally ready. Ellie sloppily took it out of the oven before she slung the pizza onto a large plate. As she went to leave the room, Joel called on Ellie and informed the two of you to keep the noise down as he was heading to bed. Ellie mumbled out a witty comment about his age in response before heading upstairs with you closely following behind her.

“After we watch the next one, we can go out to stargaze.” She mentioned as she took a seat on the edge of her bed; noticeable further away from you than before. Ellie placed the plate down next to her, in the space between the two of you, creating a physical barrier between you and her.

“This is my least favourite one.” You commented as you started slowly eating a slice of pizza. “Other than the fourth one, of course.” Ellie nodded in response as she took a slice for herself and clicked onto the third and final movie.

You were right. The third one was boring as hell. Whilst Ellie thought the first two were childish and rather repetitive, this was on a different level. Unlike this one, the other two movies actually had compelling characters and arcs. They also had relatively cool villains. In the third one, Ellie found the villain, Audrey, to be completely comical and non-threatening. The only thing that got her through that movie was the pizza. And you, of course.

When the final song, ‘Break This Down’, started to play, Ellie couldn’t help but let out a sigh of relief as a small ‘finally’ left her lips.

“I’m guessing you didn’t like that one?” You asked rhetorically.

“Fuck no.” Her blunt response made you chuckle. “Next time we do this, we’re doing the Jurassic Park movies.”

“Next time, we can do whatever you want.”

As you spoke, you swayed a little too close to Ellie. The proximity, with the addition of your sweet smile, made her heart speed up. Quietness enveloped the two of you for a moment as you stared softly at one another. The sweet silence was broken by Ellie clearing her throat and standing up off of her bed.

“Do you want to go outside now?” Ellie asked, not quite meeting your eyes as she spoke, before chucking on a plain grey hoodie from the floor and picking up a folded pair of binoculars from her desk. Ellie grabbed her phone from the bedside table before unconnecting it from the projector box. The time on her phone claimed that it had already passed three in the morning, meaning that it would be an ideal time to see the different planets, stars and constellations in the night’s sky. You nodded before following her out of her bedroom and down the stairs.

Ellie quietly opened the back door, as to not awake Joel, allowing the cool night air to flow inside of the house. The breeze was refreshing compared to the blazing heat of the day and the stuffiness of Ellie’s room. As you stepped outside, you tilted your head upwards to gaze at the dark sky. It was a perfect night. There wasn’t a cloud in sight which gave you and Ellie a clear view of the stars. You lay down on the prickly grass as Ellie followed your actions by lying down next to you.

Neither of you said anything as you embraced the peaceful night.

“Do you see that really bright light there?” Ellie asked; breaking the silence. Her tone was unusually soft as she pointed upwards to the sky. You followed her hand to see the speck of light that she was referring to. “That’s Saturn.”

“Woah, really? That’s sick.”

“Not really, it’s one of the brightest planets. It’s observable most nights.” Ellie explained bashfully. “Do you want to see something that’s actually sick?”

She shuffled around the deep pockets of her hoodie before taking out the small binoculars. She brought them to her eyes for a moment before handing them to you. As you put the binoculars on, Ellie guided your face to where she had been previously looking at.

“See that shiny speck there? That’s Dwarf Planet 1 Ceres.” She stated as you looked at it through the binoculars. “And see the dim stars around it? That’s the Sagittarius constellation. Despite people who are Sagittarius’ being in November and December, it’s actually visible during summer in the northern hemisphere.” As Ellie began to ramble, you slowly turned your head to look at Ellie. You’ve always loved hearing her explain things that she’s passionate about. Right now, she was in her element.

“You’re really smart, Ellie.” You spoke softly, catching her by surprise. Her green eyes widened at your words. Due to the surrounding darkness, you were unable to see Ellie’s face clearly. However if you could, you would’ve seen the pale blush that slowly spread across her freckled cheeks.

“Thanks.” She mumbled as a small smile involuntarily appeared.

As Ellie began to blabber on about different planets and stars, you could feel your eyelids start to become heavy. You were determined to stay awake. You needed to stay awake to complete the bucket list, but her voice was just so soft. It was hypnotising you. You could easily fall asleep to her voice. And you did.

After a while, Ellie realised that you were no longer responding to her prattle. She slowly turned her head to see your eyes gently shut. She should’ve woken you up. She knew that you would be mad if she didn’t, but it was only about half an hour to sunrise anyways. Ellie would just lie and claim that you didn’t fall asleep. She would claim that you simply closed your eyes for a moment.

Plus, you looked so peaceful when you were asleep.

Ellie waited until she saw a hint of orange creep over the horizon before waking you up. Your eyes woozily opened as you felt Ellie gingerly jab the side of your stomach. As you came to, you saw Ellie peering down at you with a gentle grin.

“You almost fell asleep.” Ellie commented calmly. “But I saved you and our bucket list. You’re welcome.”

A chuckle left your lips as you shakily sat up and rubbed your eyes.

The two of you sat in pleasant peace as the orange hue slowly rose as light began to overtake the previous darkness. The golden rays from the upcoming sun gave colour to the surrounding summer nature. The nearby forest gained back it’s vibrancy as the sunrise caused it to glow. As the warmness grew, soft shades of pink and red emerged creating a scene from the heavens for the both of you to witness.

“It’s beautiful.” Ellie looked over at you as you spoke.

Her breath hitched when she saw you. In this light, you were just as, if not more, ethereal as the sunrise. The warmness of the rising sun caused your skin to glow. You must’ve been blessed when you were born because Ellie had never seen anyone look that pretty at five o’clock in the morning. You looked heavenly. The hazed look on your face as you admired the encircling beauty created a sweet softness about you. That only added to your allurement. Ellie couldn’t help but stare at you rather than the first light.

“Yeah, it is.”

Fuck.

∘◦❀◦∘ taglist -> @diddiqueen @liasxeatt @ravyaryn @kitkattyb @ratdungeon @smiths-fan--13

[unpopularly-opinionated]

Beyond Barbie, I’ve watched a fair amount of movies since I last updated y’all against your wills. So many in fact that I’m not going to do a whole ass write up of each because that’s just a complete waste of time. Plus I write reviews on my Letterboxd page, but they’re not entirely fit for public consumption. But I’ll give like a one-sentence review/my thoughts of each, so here we go:

So for context, the last film I posted about in my last list was The First Omen.

Since then I’ve seen:

- The Omen: Keep that woman away from ledges, god dammit.

- Damien: Omen II: I don’t know if this movie came before or after the movie about the crows, but either way this movie did it better.

- Joker: I’d already seen this, but lately I’ve been tossing in some rewatches so I can keep a thorough log/review of them on Letterboxd. P.S. this one is still good.

- The Final Conflict: Omen III: A decent enough ending for its time, to a decent enough franchise for its time.

- Challengers: The single hottest, gayest soft core porno I’ve ever seen, fucking incredible.

- Once Upon a Time… In Hollywood: Went in with zero context, thought it was mid. Read up on the context. Now think it’s pretty OK.

- Idiocracy: Terry Crews as President of the United States, please and thank you.

- Saw I - VII: Progressively got better over time, ashamed to admit one brutal murder scene did kind of turn me on. I need help.

- The entire Pirates of the Caribbean franchise: Obviously a rewatch. First three are literally perfect. Fourth is when we start to see cracks, but it’s OK. Fifth is unwatchable.

- Ready or Not: Went in thinking it was meant to be horror, not a comedy. I was wrong. Pretty funny movie though. Neat premise. Adam Brody is hot.

- Signs: Shamalyan’s God sends aliens to kill hundreds of thousands of people because one man lost faith in him. Shit story. Liked Joaquin Phoenix and a young Kieran Culkin though.

- The Happening: Shamalyan’s God decides to make hundreds of thousands of people kill themselves because the worst romantic pairing in the universe won’t fuck.

- The Sixth Sense: Shamalyan continues to prove that he is a one hit wonder, and this is his hit. That being said, I haven’t cried that hard in a while upon rewatching this.

- Skinamarink: As someone plagued with waking nightmares, this movie spoke to me. It didn’t say much of anything at all, but it certainly spoke to me. Do not recommend.

- Slotherhouse: A dumb bad movie that knows it’s dumb and bad, and is really really good at being both, but in a good way, you know?

- Barbie: An alright cutesie movie so long as you’re willing to accept that it’s not based in reality.

Overall, I’ve been watching a fair amount of movies since my last post, and I plan to watch a whole lot more. Also a lot of rewatches as well I think.

[buckets-and-trees]

Buck's Eleven

Characters/Pairings: Bucky and Steve with mentions of Bucky x ex!wife Reader Word Count: 1.6k Summary: Going into a job this big, you have to take the house or know the house will hunt you down and swallow you into its belly. Vegas is unforgiving. Good thing they're the best at what they do.

Content/Concept Warnings: Thief/Con Artist AU, smoking, 1960s elements, references to sexual acts

Notes: CONQUERING FOUR EVENTS/CHALLENGES, which is my crowning moment this summer:

@buckybarnesevents WEEK FIVE of Hot Bucky Summer: "When I First Met You..."

Sixth square of @buckybarnesbingo U4: "AU: Historical"Playing Games"

Featuring Lemonade and a Road trip for @the-slumberparty's June Challenge

AND MY FOURTH AND FINAL SQUARE for Connect4 Alternate June-iverse: C4 "Thief/Con Artist" (and including an Alpine sighting so I can collect my TOE BEANS)

This is an MCU homage to Ocean's Eleven drawing direct inspiration from the 1960 and 2001 films. The 2001 has been one of my favorite heist movies since it came out, and I had never seen the 1960s original until this week, but once I started watching it, my jaw dropped with excitement over how ripe it was to adapt for a Bucky (and Steve) AU because in the original, it's 15 years after WWII and the crew is a reassembled group of guys who were in the army together!

I borrowed some dialogue directly from the 2001 film, and those are in bold italics.

Story graphic by me, dividers by @firefly-graphics, reblog graphic by @vase-of-lilies

Masterlist | Aspen's Ask Box | Field Guide to the Forest

“Good morning.”

“Good morning.” Bucky takes a seat in the chair across from the penitentiary’s release board and settles his hands casually in his lap.

The man in the center taps his cigarette in the ash tray before returning it to his lips. “Please state your name for the record.”

“James Buchanan Barnes.”

“Thank you. Mr. Barnes, you’re meeting with this board today to answer a few questions so we can determine whether or not you intend to break the law again.”

Bucky nods. Contrition. Congeniality. A touch of charisma, but nothing too memorable. That’s what he must serve up.

“This is your first conviction, but you have been implicated in a long list of other cases for confidence schemes and frauds. Is this a fair and accurate record?”

Bucky glances at the doll off to the side at a small table of her own, clicking away impressively at a typewriter.

“I expect your records to be nothing but accurate, though – as you said – I’ve been implicated but never charged.”

“Mr. Barnes, what we’re trying to find out is: was there a reason you committed this crime, or was there simply a reason you got caught this time?”

“My wife left me. I was upset. I fell into a self-destructive pattern.”

Exactly what he knows they would like to hear.

“If released, is it likely you would fall into a similar pattern?”

Bucky cocks his head almost imperceptibly. “She already left me once; I don’t think she’d do it again just for kicks.”

“Fellas, you know I’d do almost anything for ya, but not… not this,” Banner looks between them, rubbing the back of his neck.

Steve smiles warmly, the smile he knows tricks his friends and his marks into whatever he needs. “Why waste all the little tricks that the army taught us just because it’s sort of peaceful now?”

The din of the night club around them – games of cards, dames performing on stage, drinks being served up all around – gives them all the privacy they need to hold a sensitive conversation around the table, just the three of them.

“We’re trained men,” Bucky adds.

“I know. I know you are, and we always did good work.”

“Better with you on the crew, you keep us careful.”

“You remember a little operation called Stacks back on the Sokovian front?” Steve asks.

“Do I! Eleven of us in and out under the cloaking of the trees at night with more Axis piles of cash than was decent for either side to have stockpiled away.”

“We should have buried it,” Bucky says.

“Speaking of money, you’re going to need an enormous amount of backing to pull this off in Vegas. The city’s not a sleepy little town tucked away near the mountains and off the grid of the main occupation, it’s got a million neon lights glowing on it every night.”

“Fury, easy.”

“None of us are gonna be as easy as you think. You’ll need the best electrician around, and Tony’s out.”

“Got religion?” Bucky asks.

“Naw, he and Pepper have got a kid now.”

Bucky looks to Steve, but he seems unconcerned. “Morgan – she’s cute.” Steve looks back to Banner. “I think he’ll do it.”

Banner shakes his head, but grins. “Pepper’s already unhappy he’s back in the game on the fluffy jobs, but if you think you can convince him… You get Fury and you get Tony, I’ll play ball with you.”

“You can’t do it. It’s impossible. I made it impossible. I invented casino security. When I first met you boys, you were bright young cocky upstarts. Now you’re bright and cocky – and just lucky that most of the time you’re not too cocky. Now I like you boys, but it can’t be done.”

“You know what? You’re probably right.”

“Eyes were too big for our stomachs.”

“You would know better than anyone.”

“Sure, sure. I just don’t want to see you boys behind bars, especially since you’re fresh out, Barnes.”

“Well, we appreciate the lemonade all the same,” Steve says, setting down his now empty glass.

“It’s hand pressed every morning down at the river market.”

“And thank you for taking care of Alpine while I was away,” Bucky scratches the the head of his white cat, who hasn’t stopped purring since being reunited. He scoops her up to his chest, and he and Steve stand to leave.

“It was good to see you, Nick,” Steve says.

“Give Maria your addresses on the way out, she’s got me a good source on Cuban cigars, I’ll send each of you a box.”

Bucky nods. “That’s sure nice of you.”

They turn and start to walk across the terrace toward the patio doors.

Fury looks after them. He sighs. “Tell me the marks.”

They slowly turn back, appearing to casually answer, but knowing this will bring him in.

“The… Sahara–“

“–Sahara, the Riviera, and the Dunes,” Bucky finishes.

“Hold on.” Fury stands. “Those are Pierce’s places. What do you two got against Pierce?”

“Pierce is the king on top of the mountain right now, nothing more than that.”

“I still owe him for how he got me with Project Insight,” Steve adds, “but I could get him back some other way. The golden opportunity to knock over his casinos on the fight night of the year, Thor vs. Starlord in a few weeks? That’s just destiny giving me the gift to make it sweeter that it’ll be his money.”

“And, Rogers, you’re okay with this knowing full well who the dame rumored to be attached to his son’s arm?”

“Yep,” Steve says without hesitation. “It’s not about her. Pierce is the king on the top of the mountain right now, we just want to topple him over. I still owe him for Project Insight. Besides, Buck’s not stupid enough to make this about a dame who divorced him, and like you said it’s only a rumor that she’s his doll.”

Fury turns his stare to Bucky. He shrugs. “She’s made it pretty clear with the divorce papers.”

He studies him for a moment, then seems satisfied.

“And you’re just going to go on your little road trip across the country recruiting your team?”

“Who doesn’t love a summer road trip?” Bucky asks, a full grin on his face.

“Sam’s already in Sin City, picked out a nice house for us to set up and lay low in Henderson.”

“Henderson’s nice and sleepy. Banner will be there by the end of the week, and we just came from seeing Tony.”

“You should swing through Salt Lake City, look in on the Maximov Twins, they’re pulling off some impressive stuff among the locals there.”

“I’ll put them on the list.”

Steve leans up against the side of the convertible while Bucky starts to pump the gas.

“Sam’s not eager about the kid.”

“I know he’s not,” Bucky smirks. “But he’s our grease man. There’s a reason they’re calling him the Spider Boy Wonder now. Besides, he was a kid before I went in, it’s been four years, he’s not a kid anymore.”

“He’s impressive.”

Steve lets silence fall for a beat.

“Tell me it’s not about her. Tell me you are not stupid enough to make this about her.”

Frankly Bucky is shocked and impressed that it took Steve thirty minutes to press him about you now that he knows.

“It’s not about her, it’s about five million cool a piece.”

Steve looks dubious. “Because when we say ‘till the end of the line…’”

“It’s not about her, she just happens to be there, but I’m not ignoring that fact – we’re just going to use it to our advantage because she’ll be a blind spot for him.”

“Because she was a blind spot for you?”

“No, she was never that.” She was fireworks, electricity, what kept him sharp when he was on his game, before he got caught and sulked behind bars.

Steve sighs and his face softens. “I know. Just promise me we don’t do anything stupid.”

"No, nothing stupid. Too much riding on this. Heist of our lives."

As they pulled out onto the street, car aimed for the interstate, Bucky wouldn't spend the duration of the road trip thinking about you, but you would cross his mind frequently, as you always had.

With the miles ahead of them, the memories of you could distract him in peace. Thoughts of when he first met you. Thoughts of sneaking into rooftop parties and pools at places like Fury’s like you two had done when you were both too broke to get in any other way. Thoughts of his hand disappearing under your skirt and up to tease the delicious heat between your thighs. Thoughts of your head falling back and exposing your throat to him. Thoughts of your head falling forward to rest against his. Thoughts of you gasping beneath him as he thrust inside you. Thoughts of you wrapped up in his arms, leaning against his chest as you watched the sun set on your little balcony of that third-floor apartment in the city. Thoughts of the soft mornings and late nights in the bed you had shared together until you didn’t. Thoughts he fights both to hold onto and forget.

But you were unforgettable. You were his. You had to be his again. He's waited for just the right angle to set you in his sights again, and he knows he can get you as sure as he knows they will walk away with over fifty million and without a trace.

↠ Main Masterlist | Aspen's Ask Box | Field Guide to the Forest

I do not do tag lists, but FOLLOW @buckets-and-stories and TURN ON NOTIFICATIONS to be updated any time I publish a new work!

[isopodonanescalator]

Tell me ur thoughts about isttvg!!!!!!! Have you watched it????

YES YES YES I HAVE WWTCHED IT!!! its so good also i wanna start out by saying that 1) this is going to be a long rant apologizing in advance and 2) it’s been a long time since i watched it so idk how well this will be

putting a cut so not everyone has to read this all cuz it’s a lot😭

OKAY SOOO

umm one of my favorite things i find so inch resting is how Owen repeatedly breaks the fourth wall and talks to the audience like he doesn't believe the tv show was anything more than a tv show...but he knows he's in a movie? idk it’s either a plot hole or maybe like a writing choice that i don’t get??? idk man

ALSO ALSO ALSO as a film nerd the use of colors to communicate how Owen feels is SOO AUDJAOSOKE the one i noticed the most was blue, like theres lots of Blue on the screen when he's at the fair with his mom, on the walls at his work, and i some other scenes too but i’m not sure which ones because. yeah

also this isn’t really anything but in the first act, Owen tells Maddie on the bench that hes afraid of opening his insides and i think it was pulling them out with a shovel(?) only to find nothing.. and then at the very end is him opening his insides and getting that beautiful vision and i guess like. self-actualization kinda ffeeling. you know like. like feeling like whatever you want to do with your life is nothing and being afraid that youre truly hollow and all along you were delusional about your dreams which is why you should never commit (this is just a thought i always have whenever i think about this movie. it’s not really anything but like idc)

also i think she says something like, "don’t apologize" and that stuck with me regarding the ending. he keeps saying sorry just over and over and over again to these people who don't even see him or they just ignore him. to me that was like while he did have a moment of clarity, he did what he had always been doing. the whole thing like if you don't think about it isn't real? if that makes sense? he took like. a figurative step back and apologized, even though he had nothing to apologize for that was really sad tome

when the movie ends he says something like “i’m dying” or whatever and i feel like that’s a metaphor of what happens when you suppress who yo are for so long? idk

OMG AND "i found my heart, oh my god Isabel i found yours too. it was still beating. stored in an industrial freezer." GOOSEBUMPS GOOSEBUMPS GOOSEBUMPS! NEVER FORGETTING THAT LINE EVERRR

anyway that’s all i can coherently get out rn, this movie is. it’s just such a violent wake up call to be yourself and i love it so so so muchhh >.<

[robertdowneyjjr]

In recent years, Tony has taken using the Robert Pattinson interview technique ie: lying about answers because he’s bored. Fav movie? Footloose. Fav food? Spaghetti. Fav band? Steely Dan

Again, non of these are true and he changes the answer so often people catch on he’s lying, which wasn’t a problem until he got a new set of friends that want to get him a birthday present and if they google anything about him the get…conflicting info. And asking him about what he wants makes him go all awwww no need i don’t need presents. Which is unhelpful

Unfortunately Steve is still too new to the future to catch the issue and give Tony some very thoughtful gifts based off his recent answers and Tony smiles and says he loves them and oops he’s committed

(Also please picture Steve planning a first date with Tony with them watching Footloose and eating spaghetti while listening to Steely Dan. And Tony did not hate any of them but they weren’t his actual fav but now they might be???)

And Steve does find out the problem on his own but makes Tony continue to pretend he enjoys his fake favs until he confesses lol

LMAO oh my god yes absolutely all of this.

to be fair, tony had never really given the press real answers whenever he was asked things that were too personal, even back in his younger days. he was already in the spotlight enough, he didn’t need the whole world to know every single thing about him. but he always had the same scripted answers just for consistency’s sake, and he always had some bullshit reason to explain it all. favorite food? new york pizza (because new york will always be home). favorite movie? the godfather part ii (because it reminds him of his mother’s stories about immigrating to america, and he doesn’t get to visit his grandparents nearly enough). favorite band? abba (who doesn’t like dancing queen?)

but after he comes back from afghanistan, after the ultimate wake up call, he just can’t be bothered with keeping the press happy anymore. he still doesn’t much care for letting people know too much about him, but he also doesn’t put too much effort into appeasing the press because he has other things to worry about. so the next time he gives an interview and the reporter asks him one of these inane questions, he tells her his favorite band is steely dan. then twitter goes wild. his ultra fans pull up the receipts from his past decade of interviews and calls him out on it. “i thought it was abba??” someone tweets, and it gets thousands of retweets. tony replies simply with, people change ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

from then on he makes it a point to give a different answer every single time he gets asked something personal. in 2008 his favorite band was steely dan. he was paramore’s biggest fan in 2009. in 2010 he became the world’s first and most famous directioner. 2011 rolled around and he told some random reporter on a red carpet that he only ever listened to duran duran. then in 2012 he wore a black sabbath t-shirt and everyone figured out that was his “favorite” of the year.

then he meets steve. sweet, wonderful, thoughtful steve, who has finally built up the courage after four years of friendship and asked tony out. steve, who wants nothing more than to impress tony and show him that he pays attention and wants to make this work. although tony had told steve early on that he should never trust what he reads on the internet, steve is adamant about planning the perfect first date. he wants a second date. and a third. and a fourth. you get the point. he needs tony to know he’s serious about building a relationship together.

so he googles. he bypasses all the opinion pieces and the articles that are clearly from gossip rags or less-than-credible news sources. but he figures official interviews that tony gives should be fair game, right? and man, does steve find out a lot about tony and the things he likes. he figures out quickly what he should cook for dinner: singaporean chilli crab (people magazine circa 2009). he sets the table with the loveliest carnations he could find (reddit ama circa 2014). he queues up footloose to play on the tv while they eat a homemade chocolate soufflé (vanity fair circa 2011 and tonight show circa 2015). steve’s done the research. he knows tony will be happy he’s put so much effort into this night.

and tony, well. he doesn’t hate all of those things but they were never really his favorites. his real favorites? his mama’s carbonara. ac/dc. back to the future. sunflowers. but he doesn’t want to burst steve’s bubble. none of that matters, anyway, when he gets to spend time with his ultimate favorite person.

(steve finally figures it out when rhodey comes to visit one day with a box of tiramisu from the hole-in-the-wall he and tony used to go to in boston and tony lights up in a way that he’s never done when eating steve’s chocolate soufflé. he still keeps making the soufflé though, just to see if tony would ever confess)

[puppy-phum]

5 Songs Tag - QL Shows Edition

tagged by vi @feralmuskyscentedhoepran​​ ♥ thank you once more for thinking of me with these cool tag games ^^ 

When you get this, list 5 songs from the Asian QL media that you actually listen to.

🎶They do not have to be custom-made for the series. 🎶Non-western tracks only. Let's support Asian music and languages! 🎶Feel free to tag anyone who may be interested in participating. 🎶Add #5qls tag to your post for others to find the new favourites!

all of these will be from thai shows as i mostly pick up songs from those. i've also been watching mainly thai shows lately so i don't have much else to choose from, sorry...

I. ข้างกัน (City) - Fourth Nattawat and Gemini Norawit (Cover) My School President OST / Original by Three Man Down

To be honest, I love both the original version and this cover from MSP. The cover just holds double the meaning. It is both part of TinnGun’s story – their first meeting, their beginning, the reason why Tinn fell for Gun and why they fit together now – and PuenTalay's story in their own universe. It connects these two universes too, and that is why I’m so fond of it. Also, Gemini and Fourth make this song sound even softer than it already is. (My other favorites from MSP ost are Healing, Let Me Tell You, and the cover of Just Being Friendly, tho the whole soundtrack is just phenomenal.)

II. ใครคลั่งรักกว่ากัน (Madly in Love) - Jimmy Jitaraphol and Sea Tawinan Our Skyy 2 x Vice Versa OST

This song is so very PuenTalay but also so JimmySea. It’s extremely soft, romantic, a little playful, cute, and just loving all the way around. It compliments both of their voices and styles, and just makes me super happy. The lyrics are nice too. My favorite part is the one where Jimmy changes the way he sounds in the chorus (Idk what to call it sorry). It’s towards the end of the song. It’s just super cool somehow and very addicting.

III. คลาด (Over the Moon) - Khaotung Thanawat The Eclipse OST

Absolutely obsessed with this song. One of the best theme songs a BL has ever had, hands down. Truly lived up to the hype I got from hearing this song in the mock up trailer. I love Khaotung’s voice, the visuals in the MV, the lyrics, the instrumental. Overall just a perfect song for me specifically. (To be fair, The Eclipse has had two of my favorite soundtracks with this and their Our Skyy 2 song. Instant hits, no question.)

IV. ก่อน - Pchy Dew The Movie OST

I don’t think any other piece of media has ever made me feel the way Dew The Movie does. It was, and still is, simply everything to me. And this song. This song. I cannot put into words how perfect, how wonderful, how special this song is. I cry every time I hear it because it’s just so fully packed with all these feelings I cannot describe. I love it. I love it so much. And for the love of god, if you haven’t watched this movie, go do it right now. 

V. ร้อยล้านวิว (Million views) - Stamp Last Twilight Pilot Trailer 

I don’t know how well this song fits the criteria for this game but I found this lovely thing bc of the Last Twilight trailer and now I cannot get rid of it. It’s been on my playlist ever since this trailer dropped in November and not a day goes by that I don’t listen to it. It’s just so good and always brings me back to these moments. I keep hoping they would keep this song in the show itself or that they will get an OST that sounds similar, instrumental and lyrical wise. Bc my god did this song hit again once I stopped being lazy and looked up a translation for the lyrics. Now I’m crying even more bc of it thanks.

Bonus: พระเอกจำลอง by Getsunova from the Theory of Love OST. One of my eternal favorites. This song just is the show.  Special mentions: These are western songs so I didn’t want to include them to the list itself but I have to mention that Blueming brought me back to sød ven’s music bc they used the song hollow for the show (the beach scenes to be specific). I am forever grateful. Also, I love the songs both Not Me and Never Let Me Go used in their soundtracks, specifically this one and this one (both are instrumental as these shows have made me appreciate instrumentals a lot more too).

Tagging: @dimpledpran​​ @snimeat​​ @wanderlust-in-my-soul​​ @dragonsareawesome123​​ @oswlld​​ @leonpob​​ @stormyoceans​​ @ayan-sukkhapisit​​ @nongnaos​​ ♥ 

[destinygoldenstar]

Golden Analyzes 2001 Nominees “Shrek”

*Have Not Seen Prior, GF Has*

We’ve reached it. The very first Best Animated Feature Winner.

Pay Respects.

So this is the first case scenario where me and my GF, (we’re watching these together) have totally different experiences with a movie on the list.

Jimmy Neutron - We both never seen it

Monsters Inc - We both seen it

THIS movie, I hadn’t watched it in full prior to this. But she has.

Actually, I think I should clarify my stance when I say ‘haven’t seen it’. Cause with Jimmy Neutron, I actually hadn’t seen a single clip of it and knew nothing going in.

With this movie? I mean I haven’t sat down and watched the movie in full before this.

I’ve been SPOILED TO DEATH about this movie. So I know the plot. I know what happens. There are no surprises waiting for me.

But I’ve only sat down and seen a few clips. One was the very end of the second movie years ago when I was walking in on a babysitting watch party. Another was that scene in the third movie of that ogre baby doing a vomit rocket, which was even longer ago back when I was a kid with Windows XP. (Come on Microsoft, make Windows interesting again!)

And we also went on a Shrek themed VR ride at Universal. I don’t remember anything about it aside from we rode it.

Though to be fair I never remember VR rides that well.

So I know Shrek. I know it’s story. I know the impact it’s had on the industry. I just never found time or interest to sit down and watch the full movie.

My GF on the other hand has seen all the movies and spin-offs, and she is a pretty casual fan. She’s rather indifferent to these movies, and said they’re good movies.

So… she’s gonna have more to say in the reactions than usual. While I descend into madness.

But due to the Oscars nominations, I will get a descent Shrek fill in. Shrek 2 is 2004. Puss N Boots & Puss N Boots The Last Wish we’re both nominated. I will be required to watch those.

But not the third of fourth movies. I am not required to watch those. And I heard they were the worst of the franchise so I probably won’t. Depends if I get that invested in Shrek.

Okay… let’s go in.

Reaction:

Bold is my GF’s words

“Did this storybook rip off Sleeping Beauty? That looks familiar.” “It’s also odd as these characters don’t look like that in the movie.”

“Sorry, my mind is dirty. That F is way too big. Replace ‘for’ with the f word. Completely changed the sentence.”

“SOME-BODY ONCE TOLD ME- I’m sorry.”

“YOU EAT MUD?!”

“He’s so ugly that the mirror couldn’t stand to look at him.”

”He murdered a fish with his farts. Oh dear gosh he murdered a lot of fish with his farts.” “That’s one way to go fishing I guess.” “Why would you shower in mud if you’re just gonna take a bath right after?”

”This movie’s gross. Especially those slugs just… they don’t look right.”

“Okay, eating eyeballs?! No no no no. Nope… I’ve watched Total Drama though. I havent had a movie that’s made me lose my appetite for Cheeze-It’s yet. Let’s see if this one breaks me.”

(It didn’t. I could still eat Cheeze-Its throughout the movie)

“I wonder if he traumatized these people for sport.”

*He puts the fire out like it’s nothing* “😂” “😂 They’re a bunch of cowards.”

”I’ve had this headcanon as to why Donkey is being sold along with the other fairy tale creatures when he’s not a fairy tale character. You know in Pinocchio the island that turns people into donkeys and one of them talks still? He’s that donkey.”

”Those banners are the Facebook logo!” “Huh? Oh yeah… I was always confused by that cause Farquad’s colors are red and yellow.” “He’s Lord Facebook! He’s the head of Facebook!”

*’Im a real boy’ *nose grows** “That is so depressing.”

“Dang, Tinker Bell is either a failure or a sociopath.”

“I mean, you did save him with no reason to, so…”

“Oh he’s so us.”

“I mean technically it’s his property, and you’re a stranger. He kinda has a right to not let you in.”

“One thing that always bothered me was how everyone looks so old.” “Yeah.” “Is it because fairy tales are old??”

“NOOOO” “What?” “I thought he was gonna eat it for a second. Whatever he pulled out of his ear.” “Ear wax candle.”

”You can’t just put a CORPSE on the table!”

“Over a DAY, they ALL set up a whole civilization here.”

*Does anyone else know where to find him?* “No trust. No respect.”

”‘I am going to save your lives! But only for my own selfish reasons. But I’m still doing it!’”

“Oh yeah, this gingerbread man suffers a lot.”

“NO NOT THE LEGS. COME ON.”

*I tried to be fair to you creatures* “So murder and enslavement is fair.”

“How is he not a king? He has a castle and is a dictator and everything.”

“She’s DEAD. 😂 Yes marry a corpse. Would you like your bride alive or dead?”

“That’s gotta be one of the worst designed castles I’ve ever seen in a movie.”

“Hi welcome to Facebook.”

”I’m perfectly okay with sacrificing all of you.”

*oh that’s not very nice…* “Shrek gets so much mistreatment that he-“ *Its just a donkey* “Oh… 😂”

”GET DRUNK YOU GOONS”

*Onions have layers* *Ogres are like onions* "...THAT had to be the WORST metaphor you could've possible come up with."

(It's a SIMILE, actually. I thought I was a writer)

“Honestly I’m with Donkey on this one.”

“I can never look at this scene the same way again knowing they have those hybrid babies” “…THE DONKEY AND DRAGON DO IT?!”

“I don’t ship this. Ew. Ew. Ew.”

“She speaks in old English?” “Yeah. She doesn’t do it all the time though.”

*well I have to save my ass* “😯” “Oh yeah, also there’s swearing in this.” “No I’m fine I just didn’t expect that reply.”

”I don’t ship this… I’m deeply uncomfortable. A dragon is trying to S/A a donkey.”

*Shrek gets his ass kissed* “AAAHHH! NOO!! NO NO NO NO NO!!” “…I forgot about that part…” “AAAAAHHH! WHY IS THERE SO MUCH SEXUAL ASSAULT IN THIS MOVIE?!”

”…oh okay… she has wings…” “Yeah good thing.” “I thought the dragon was gonna get hanged for a second.”

*Why didn’t he come rescue me?* “Yeah. Exactly.”

“No consent. Dragging a woman away without consent.”

“He’s already got the wedding outfits set up…” *sees the bear rug* “OH MY GOD.” “Yeah…” “I’m actually jumpscared…” “Earlier in the movie, the three bears were locked up together and the bears were crying for her… and then at another point in the movie she’s not there and the dad and baby are crying.” “😨NOO.”

(RIP Mama Bear)

*singing to the bird* “Awww…” *the bird explodes* “😳… actually I saw that coming. Still messed up.” *takes the eggs to cook* “NO!!!! NO. NO. NO. NO. THATS ANOTHER LEVEL OF SCREWED UP! NO! NO! IM LOSING MY MIND!!!” “Im gonna go…”

(We took a five minute break)

“Huh. A crass princess. Interesting.”

“…is it bad that I was kinda vibing with that?” “It wasn’t good. And they’re misogynistic… but yeah, I was vibing with that too.”

“…Im deeply uncomfortable but what do I expect now?”

“I was waiting for those frog balloons, oh gosh…” “It doesn’t phase me anymore.”

“…so are those animals dead?”

“She’s gonna marry Facebook.”

“DONKEY. I was digging that!”

“Is it bad that I think she’s really pretty as an ogre?” “Yes! Definitely! She’s real cute like this. Love the curves.”

“I wonder if her dress was designed specifically for this transformation.” “Im pretty sure it’s just magic.” “I think it’s just a very stretchy dress.”

*I thought that wouldn’t matter to you* “What?”

(REWINDED)

“…what’d she say?”

(REWINDED AGAIN)

“Yeah I’m not crazy. She said that SO quiet I can’t even hear it.”

(At least the version we watched, idk)

“Oh here’s the part. The leg part.” *the leg part* “😂”

“Uh…” *she presses the Farquad figure in the cake* “Yeah.”

“I’m very surprised there’s no guards blocking the door.”

“Why don’t you just go in? What’s stopping you?”

“The domino effect on the people 😂”

“…oh it does magic her clothes too.”

”😳 OKAY THEN.” “That’s a dark way to die for sure.” “I was expecting him to put up a fight, but THAT’S how he dies… that’s kinda pathetic.”

“😂” “Wait, this one window didn’t smash. Hold on.”

“I LOVE that she stays an ogre. That’s such a great message.”

(We Stan Fiona in this household)

“And then they all sing Shrek’s style in the end. Having accepted him.” “I didnt even notice that.”

Review:

Yeah, uh… I think I lost it far more than I thought I would. XD

And I’m a Total Drama viewer, which is pretty much this franchise but parodying reality Tv instead of fairy tales.

This is one of those movies that would probably not fly today from how much… rancidness is here. But apparently they’re making a fifth movie, which I, who has only seen the first movie so far, cannot comment feelings about.

I won’t dock points for it though, as it’s pretty clear it’s all done on purpose to serve as the movies distinct identity…

…you know, as one giant hate letter to Disney. If you know its history.

Okay, but putting that aside, this movie was a cultural phenomenon and a huge deal… and I get why.

Nowadays everyone’s trying to copy it, pretty much anyone under the Universal belt copied it at least once. But back then… yeah there wasn’t anything like it. And unlike those imitators that make their movies as childish garbage, this movie knows exactly what it’s doing and what it wants to say.

So much so that they repeat the message of the movie over and over and OVER again. And ngl, I felt pretty bashed in the face every time they said something under the likes of “don’t judge a book by its cover”. Because it was NOT SUBTLE AT ALL.

I think that’s a dialogue issue more than anything else. I would say kids movie, they have to use subtext less, but then I remember Monsters Inc was also an Oscar nomination and that movie knew subtext pretty well.

I think this is my biggest critique of the movie. There’s a bit of a lack of subtext.

There’s a lot of telling instead of showing. And I think the story and the message would’ve hit a whole lot harder if they showed things instead of just saying them.

For example, Shrek talks about how everyone immediately called him a monster before knowing him… but that’s it. He talks about it. What we’re shown is the aftermath of such where HE’S purposefully scaring THEM. Yeah I know he’s not attempting to murder anyone doing this he just wants privacy, but I think they could’ve made these civilians a bit more unlikeable, unreasonable, and unfair going in to make Shrek’s point have more ground to stand on. I think the scene would’ve hit a lot harder for me.

I do have other critiques as well

The animation is… actually not as bad as people make it out to be now. Yeah it aged badly but there are some really pretty skies.

Mostly the problem isn’t even the animation, it’s the designs.

That Lord Facebook castle is… YIKES, that’s bad looking.

The ogres look fine, but the people just look… OLD. Like, far older than I think they’re supposed to be. I think the only human character that looks like the age they’re supposed to be is Fiona.

My GF pointed this out too. She suggested that maybe everyone looking like this is on purpose to add to the fairytale satire angle. And maybe.

Now I have my fair share of fairytale satires in my life… but I am a little confused on how fairytales function in this world??

Like obviously the characters are there, but do they live out their respective fairytale stories? Are they aware their stories are written in stone? What about the people who aren’t fairytale characters? What do they do?

None of these world building questions get answered, at least not in this movie. Like, maybe if Shrek was a fairytale character, even if a very minor monster obstacle character, then the hatred towards him would be much more understandable?? Like, on the civilian’s end not on the message’s end.

Lord Facebook is also probably the weakest character in the movie.

Yes I know it’s Lord Farquad, but over the reaction we made a joke about the Facebook looking banners so we’re calling him Lord Facebook.

There’s really only one scene where I’m convinced he’s a threat as a villain, and that’s him torturing the gingerbread man. He hates and slaughters fairy tale creatures because… why not? (I forgot) And he somehow is not the king??

Why would he need to be king if he already has this much power?

And even then most of his power is used off screen. Like the Mama Bear murder. ON SCREEN, aside from that one scene I already mentioned, he poses pretty little threat. The heroes don’t really try to stop him until the end of the movie, Fiona puts up very little fight for her own character reasons, and in the final battle, Facebook gets eaten and killed very early and very easily without much of a fight. A fight that his GUARDS do.

I’m just saying, the main villain kinda doesn’t have too much of a ‘role’ dictating the narrative. Cause again, it was Fiona’s choice to go with him. She’s not being held captive by him or anything. He’s not the guy that locked her up in that tower.

So this movie has some issues…

I still very much appreciate it.

Despite the movie being made out of spite (if you go behind the scenes) it has a strong heart of a story of an outcast learning to let people in his life.

Shrek is not a monster. That’s just the stereotype people put on ogres. But he acts like that monster as a coping mechanism for loneliness. Which is a very real psychological thing.

I first assumed the movie was about this ogre getting a redemption arc and changing into a better person, but this is a subversion I’m pretty pleased with. I mean yeah Shrek is… flawed, but so is everyone. And he shouldn’t have to, say, remove his ogre side to fit in.

(Wait is that the plot of the second movie??)

And it’s also why his relationships with Donkey and Fiona, who accept him for who he is, is very important for both him and the story.

And I really liked these two characters in particular. MUCH more than I thought I would going in.

Except eating birds eggs. That’s a big no no.

Donkey, I suppose, fits the ‘comedic sidekick’ role, and I was prepared to be extremely annoyed by him throughout the movie…

…what I got instead was a very wholesomely pure character that was vital to the story. Yeah he’s a loudmouth, but he has by far the best heart in the movie and such an amazing friend to Shrek. Even when Shrek snaps at Donkey for a misunderstanding, he never blames Shrek for anything and remains emotionally supportive and open to listening to Shrek. It’s a friendship I completely bought from beginning to end.

I also completely bought the love story from beginning to end. The main character literally wiping his ass with the notion of true love only to find said true love? Irony at its peak.

And I will say that after watching this movie fully for the first time, I am a Fiona STAN.

I knew the twist with her being an ogre even before I watched the movie, so no surprise there. Again, I’ve been spoiled to death of this movie. What I wasn’t expecting was how well it was used as a thematic purpose to parallel Shrek.

This is something she can’t control. There is nothing she can do about it. Shrek can’t either cause he was born an ogre, but they’re both in the similar situation. In Fiona’s case however, she lies about it. She hides it. She masks herself to fit the society norm of a princess because that is what she’s supposed to be.

And being locked in a tower for god knows how long with no social contact? Of course she’d think no one would love that side of her. All she has to go off of is fairy tale logic, which is why she speaks in Old English at her debut scene.

Kinda wish they kept that part as a running thing for her, cause they kinda drop it after the rescue. That’s a nitpick though.

But after hearing Shrek having experiences that are relatable to her fears, she opens up far more to her real personality, which Shrek falls for. She’s crude, she’s cynical, she has no problem getting her hands dirty, she can kick ass without much issue. That’s another thing I like. She played the traditional damsel in distress at the tower, but it was clear it was just a gig for her and she could’ve escaped if she wanted. But it’s her willing choice to go to Farquad after the misunderstanding, and Shrek isn’t saving her physically at the wedding, he’s saving her mentally.

That was a nice subversion of the trope.

I also LOVE that she stays an ogre at the end and that’s her ‘beauty’. Cause despite not being born an ogre, it IS her. It’s genuinely very beautiful.

“Man, gotta love ogre, one of my favorite genders”

Idk how much of a hot take this is, but she’s prettier as an ogre than she is as a human. I said it.

I’m not one of those people that love romanticizing obesity, as it is a genuine health concern that be damaging to one’s life. But there is a good line between that and just having a body type that is more plus sized than others. And that’s okay. Especially if there’s nothing that can be done in some cases. I cannot speak for the plus sized women that watched this movie, but I hope it really touched them in a positive way and made them appreciate themselves more.

And to this day, Disney hasn’t made a princess with a chubbier body type. But if they ever do we all get to claim that Fiona was the first.

…and also that Red Shoes movie that’s pretty good and also did body positivity well.

Shrek’s bond with both of these characters is the heart of the movie, at least for me. It’s genuinely so touching to watch a guy who got isolated for so long be able to open up again to people who can love and care for him for who he is. Maybe it’s not the best version of this story in the world, but it’s still a well told one.

And, uh… idk how controversial it is… I like the pop music in this movie.

Nowadays its overdone and serves no purpose besides advertisement and songwriters getting a paycheck, but in this movie it serves a genuine narrative purpose and the movie would be worse without it.

It’s SHREK’s style of music. It’s HIS narrative being narrated not in a traditional fairy tale way, but by his playlist.

Every other character in the movie tries to sing traditionally like a Disney Movie. Donkey tries a lot and Shrek keeps stopping him. Fiona sings and kills a bird with her voice. (Yeah the mockery of Disney is strong here) Shrek meanwhile doesn’t give a damn about his reputation.

(I’m sorry)

And it really works for the ending after everyone else is singing the song ‘I’m a Believer’ together at Shrek and Fiona’s wedding. They join in on Shrek’s style of music because they have grown a sense of acceptance of Shrek.

(At least I think they did)

So yeah, good movie with some rough edges to it. I honestly wish I loved it more than I did. But I’m glad I didn’t hate it. At least I am now scarred by a dragon sexually harassing people.

And according to the nomination list, I will be required to watch the second movie and both of the spin-off movies.

Anyway, that's it for this movie and this concludes all the 2001 Oscar Nominated Movies For Best Animated Feature. I'll make a post where we come to our own conclusions on our opinions on the win and what movie we think should've won instead.

[twistsandtwizzles]

I Watched So You Don't Have To: Stars on Mars

You may have seen that Adam Rippon is one of the cast members on the new FOX reality show, Stars on Mars. I knew this information but had no plans to watch this show, until this week when I needed to turn something on tv that would take up 5% of my brain power or less. And this fit the brief exactly.

In case you are also mildly interested in what this weird show is about and what Adam is doing on it, but don't want to let it take up even 3% of your brain power, don't worry, I am here for you! Read on for a recap of Stars on Mars: Episode 1.

We open on William Shatner very dramatically telling us that twelve celebrities are going to participate in an “experiment” to find out if they can “survive life on Mars” (aka a month somewhere in Australia). The winner will earn the title of Brightest Star in the Galaxy and this made me laugh out loud because that’s it? They don’t even get any money? Just a title that is also found on a fourth grade science fair participation trophy?

Anyway, Shatner - who has very clearly not gone to Australia and is recording this somewhere in his house - tells us that this simulation will be 24 days long, and will show us which celebrities are the strongest, the brightest, the bravest, and who can handle the stress when the food runs out. We’re treated to a compilation of clips during this portion, then Shatner says, “This is: Starsssssss on Marssssssss” and the way I typed this quote does not do it justice.

We’re now introduced to the astronauts as they trudge across the surface of “Mars” into the “Hab” where they will be living. The first astronaut is Christopher Mintz-Plasse, aka McLovin’ from Superbad, and we cut to a talking head where Christopher says he’s been called McLovin for 16 years and is kind of tired of it; unfortunately for him it is what I will call him for the entirety of this recap.

We get a tour of the hab, which basically looks like every space movie you’ve ever seen, and we are introduced to the lady-voiced-AI thing that is going to be the main communication tool/voice-over element on this show. McLovin marvels that “a lot of money went into this” which, I’m not sure I agree, but okay.

Next in the hab: Ronda Rousey, “Champion Fighter” followed closely by Tom Schwartz from Vanderpump Rules who the VO tells us is “currently known for Scandavol.” Full disclosure that I have only ever seen five minutes of VPR so this man is a complete stranger to me - but I do live in the culture enough to know that his name is “Schwartz” and not “Tom.” Schwartz explains his show to McLovin, boiling it down to “people work in a bar and have sex with each other.” McLovin says, “Well, we’re not doing that here. I don’t think.”

Next up: Tallulah Willis, “Daughter of Bruce and Demi” and Adam Rippon, “Olympic Figure Skater” and the entire reason I’m even watching this show. Then Porsha Williams Guobadia, “Real Housewife” and another complete stranger to me (look, how can I find time for Bravo reality shows when I have to watch old figure skating programs on YouTube?); Tinashe, “R&B Recording Artist” who I know mostly as a regular Who? Weekly subject; Ariel Winter, “Award-Winning Actor from Modern Family” (she was the middle child); Marshawn Lynch & Richard Sherman, “Teammates and NFL Legends” who are introduced as a unit but it is unclear if they are playing as a team or not; and Lance Armstrong, “Cyclist” and look, I am not happy about his presence either.

Lance is greeted warmly by everyone in the room and Ariel gives a talking head geeking out about how Lance is a real astronaut. She makes the mistake of mentioning this to Porsha who does not appear to correct her. Unknown if Porsha was just trying not to embarrass Ariel, or if she has no idea who Lance Armstrong is either and thinks he could plausibly be an astronaut.

Shatner sends a message to the celebs explaining that every 48 hours a celebrity who is not “mission critical” will be “extracted” (he then helpfully clarifies that this just means “sent home”). He also explains that the “Base Commander” is the most powerful role in the hab as the commander is basically in charge of everything, and the commanders will be re-appointed every two days.

The celebs are instructed to select a Base Commander and we get our very first Adam Rippon Talking Head! Adam explains that everyone is figuring each other out and that no one wanted to be the first base commander. We cut to the celebs desperately pointing at each other and trying to peer pressure others into the role. Then they are informed that the Base Commander gets their own room, and Roger nominates Marshawn, who was worried about fitting into his bunk earlier. Marshawn accepts.

The first mission for the astronaut celebrities: to rescue their 12th crewmember who is trapped in a pod on the surface. Marshawn sends Lance and Ronda out for the rescue while the rest of the crew watches their progress via monitor. Adam excitedly says of the outdoor footage, “Oh my god, it looks like Mars,” and again, I’m not sure I agree, but I’m happy that he’s happy.

To no one’s surprise the rescue mission is successful and completely lacking in any kind of drama. Natasha Leggero, “Comedian,” is the final celebrity to join the hab.

Marshawn is instructed to divide the daily task list. He sends Porsha and Tallulah to sort the foods and rations (Lady Hab Voice pops up to note that there will be no resupply of the rations during their stay and I'm sure this will be a major issue later in the series).

After a few shots of people doing their assigned tasks we cut to Adam, finally, since he is the only part of the show I care about. He and Ariel are dusting “the patches” which are basically Mars-themed Scout badges. Adam Talking Heads that he assumes the patches are probably something they will earn on missions throughout the show. It is unclear if the show thinks this is some sort of amazingly smart deduction on Adam’s part or if it, like me, assumes that Adam has watched a reality competition show at least once in his life and simply took the very tiny step needed to reach this conclusion.

Adam tells Ariel that he actually loves cleaning and organizing, and she excitedly says she does too. Adam asks, with true joy in his eyes, if she likes folding things. She says laundry is her favorite. I do not understand these people.

We cut between some other small talk and talking heads. Marshawn and Lance argue about who is more of an athlete, and how Marshawn did not throw Lance’s doping in his face during this conversation I will truly never know.

Adam has clearly been tasked by production to explain the basics of this game in his talking heads, because he again tells us that they are “trying to figure each other out and learning to work together” since “that will be important the longer they stay in the game.”

A bunch of snippets of general “get to know you” convos: the group chats about how famous Tallulah’s parents are; Porsha and Natasha chat about their kids; Lance and Marshawn and Ronda chat about sports again; Lance feels weird about sharing a bathroom; Ariel admits to Porsha and Tinashe that she has confused Lance with Neil Armstrong. Then everyone goes to bed. Natasha says, “Goodnight honey,” to Adam and it makes sense those two would be fast friends.

An alarm goes off in the middle of the night and Shatner appears to tell them that “Martian Dust” is headed their way and has already knocked their comms satellite over. They need to go repair it, and if they do it they will earn a patch. Everyone seems totally wowed by this patch information so maybe we were supposed to think that Adam was a genius earlier.

Tallulah is chosen to be a mission specialist and is staying behind with Marshawn while everyone heads to the surface. “Let’s save this satellite!” Adam says. He looks great in this space suit.

Adam’s talking head is back with more general reality show basics, namely that even though they are stressed about this mission they have to focus and do a good job, because ultimately “the name of the game is that someone has to go home.”

The celebs walk out into a windstorm and Tallulah and Marshawn direct the crew in repairing the satellite. Adam says that “this is not what (he) signed up for” but Adam, I’m pretty sure it is. 

Once again this mission is successful and not all that dramatic, even as all the celebs tell us how stressed they all are and how hard this was. (Assembling an Ikea dresser looks far more difficult than this satellite repair job.) Natasha does say at one point that she was trying to stay out of the way in the “loser area” along with McLovin and Adam. 

McLovin says he thinks they all would have died if it was really Mars, and I suppose this statement is technically true but also it’s kind of like when I cut through an empty parking lot after my driver’s test and the examiner said, “if there were cars here you’d be running them over right now.” I would not have done that if there were cars there?? And these people would not be asked to repair a satellite on actual Mars. Anyway.

Marshawn and Tallulah are told to identify the three astronauts least critical to mission success. This is revealed by Marshawn calling the “Mission Critical” celebrities one-by-one back into the hab and handing them - hold onto your hats because none of us saw this prize coming - a patch.

The three least mission critical celebrities: Adam, McLovin, and Schwartz. McLovin says, “aw man, the three fragile white boys!” as they give each other a group hug. They are then each asked to explain to the Mission Critical celebs why they should stick around. 

McLovin says he didn’t participate in the mission because he was removing himself from the situation since there were too many people trying to do the job.

Adam says he’s mission critical because he’s one of the hottest people there and “I think that’s important for any kind of challenge that we do. I’m just being honest.” This earns a big laugh and applause from the already-safe crew, and someone says, “He’s right!” LOL.

Schwartz reminds them all that he was the one that actually made a major repair on the satellite and the group immediately says, “oh yeah” and lets him into the hab. He gives Adam a big hug and assures him, “You are very hot.”

So that leaves Adam and McLovin as our bottom two. The group decides that Adam is more mission critical than McLovin, which means our favorite Olympic-figure-skater-turned-astronaut gets let back into the hab, and that I have to watch this show for another week.

McLovin wanders to the extraction point and gives an exit interview from the suddenly calm Mars surface without his space helmet on, and it’s hilarious how soon after elimination the faux-Mars premise is dropped.

Tune in next week (or don’t) for some arguing and more “space” adventures that appear to include a fire in the hab and something to do with a bunch of water on the Mars surface that I have many questions about! The previews indicate that Adam will eventually get a headset to lead a mission at some point, so we'll how that goes. See you next time.

[cdmagic1408]

CD's Movie Poll #1 Winner

The Road to El Dorado

* fair warning: spoilers ahead *

Kicking off the start of my movie poll/movie watching series is Dreamworks’ The Road to El Dorado!

ngl this film has been on my watchlist for quite a while, and yet I never got around to actually watching it until now! (or rather, not until the other night lol) I’d heard so many great things about it before like the memorable characters, the kind of 2D animation that you really don’t see in Dreamworks films these days, and of course, the music!

I will say that I really enjoyed all three of those things in some ways and others 🤩

Right off the bat, Kevin Kline and Kenneth Branagh have really great chemistry! In fact, I loved their chemistry so much that I wanted to see footage of them recording their lines. so I legit looked up something like “road to el dorado behind the scenes” on youtube as soon as I finished watching the film and found that not only did they do ALL their voice recording sessions together in the same room but they also used plastic swords and playfully had it at each other!! AHHHHHH! so good!! 😂 ⚔️

but yeah they're hilarious! both on screen and behind it. I also just love the fact that both Kevin and Kenneth come from theater backgrounds cause I think that definitely added to how well they portrayed being con men 🎭

Ofc actors aside, some of you probably know this about me already, but I’m a BIG fan of dynamic duos when it comes to media...

I loved the straight man-ness that was Tulio, and he was probably my favorite of the two. I tend to like characters that find comfort in strategy, cause I tend to be that kinda person too. I know sometimes the logical and level-headed ones aren't always funny, entertaining, or the people to root for in the slightest. But Tulio definitely isn't one of them. I found myself chuckling at a good number of things he said and did like not believing in fate simply cause he relies on loaded dice for example, plus his sarcasm, and how much he tried to compose his patience as well

Miguel was great too! It was fun how much he loved the city of El Dorado and just wanted to take it all in, and his endless optimism of course! But he definitely needed more guitar playing scenes! idk there’s something about those characters who just have an instrument to play at the ready for dramatics that’s really humorous for me, it’s almost, if not totally, breaking the fourth wall in a way 😆

I also really enjoyed the Chief, I love how it’s implied that he knew all along Miguel and Tulio were humans and not gods and yet he still liked them and let them stay anyway. that said, it's kind of a shame that the pair didn't stay in el dorado cause there genuinely were people there who adored them when clearly the people of Spain didn’t…heck they didn't seem to have a problem that they weren't actually gods!

and you have to admit, Miguel and Tulio did match the stone art of the gods quite nicely, like the resemblance there was freaky 😳

Chel was great as well, her cleverness and way of sweet talking definitely stood out to me the most about her character, and I also really loved her voice! 😌

and Altivo the horse? I wanna say he was truly Miguel’s companion when compared to Tulio earning the heart of Chel. after all, Miguel was the one who wanted to rescue him and bring him along, and I was genuinely happy when they decided to bring him on their journey cause the horse wasn’t a bad guy, like he not only gave Tulio and Miguel the keys to escape the ship, but he wasn’t spiteful to them or anything. basically what I’m trying to say is he isn’t how Maximus treated Flynn Rider/Eugene Fitzherbert initially, horse to con man

As for the villain? well…this is the first of three times I’m gonna be saying, “I got some Aladdin vibes from this movie" 😅 👉👈 which isn’t completely a bad thing by any means! 

But yeah…I immediately got Jafar vibes the minute Tzekel-Kan came on screen (also I had to look up this name cause I didn’t catch it very well while I was watching this film, I just kept calling him “Priest Guy”)

I mean…the fact that he can do sorcery, on top of serving a sweet kind-hearted ruler, tangling with not just one but two thieves, anybody picking up what I’m putting down? Yeah that’s really all I gotta say about that guy 🤷🏻‍♀️

also I swear to god that Jim Cummings is in literally everything that was 2D-animated in the 1990s-2000s! and he's always gotta play that big tough guy. Again, that also reminded me of Aladdin. but then again the conquistador didn’t really have that big of a role in this, at the very least I just hope he gave T-K what he got coming to him

I guess just to get it out of the way, I was admittedly humming "One Jump Ahead" in the beginning when Tulio and Miguel are getting chased through the city, but that’s all there is in terms of Aladdin similarities the way i see it

lastly in terms of the characters and cast, I gotta give credit to Elton John for being part of it too! I mean who doesn't love a singing narrator? and he and Tim Rice did an awesome job crafting the soundtrack for this film. every song was absolutely BEAUTIFUL 🎶 ✨

Needless to say, the animation was 👌 and the opening sequence was definitely one of my favorites throughout the whole film as well as the expressions and the solid movements of the characters, very well done no question there. oh! and how there were just gold objects of anything from butterflies to apples in el dorado! they didn’t call it the city of gold for nothing! ✨✨✨

but in the end, did it really have go the route of the overall goal is get all the gold by the end only to actually lose most, if not all, of it by the end? I just feel like that plot line is done a lot in movies. tho to be fair, this was made in the 2000s so heck, it probably began that trend. But I’ve found in recent years that when it comes to treasure hunting movies, this exact scenario happens just repeatedly and it’s nothing new. I’d say movies like The Goonies and Uncharted are two that come to mind for me that have this happen...

Now there’s no way I can conclude my thoughts here without saying how AMAZING the “It’s Tough to Be a God” sequence was! I LOVED the “It's Tough to Be a God" sequence from the singing of the two leads to the colors to the everything about it, it was all magnificent! I'd arguably say it was my favorite scene in the whole film! And I'd be lying if I said that Miguel and Tulio’s version hasn't been stuck in my head ever since I watched it, because so help me it HAS and STILL IS and why that version is not on Spotify, I have no clue, but it SHOULD be. Again, props to Elton and Tim for writing this song and the others!!

So overall, I thought El Dorado was a great movie! It was definitely worth the watch! It's not perfect by any means, I'm not even sure it's my favorite Dreamworks film, but it was still very fun and entertaining all the same and I'm really glad that I finally got to see it after all these years! 🤗

[smokeybrandreviews]

A Rambling Retrospective of Phase Four

I always find it funny that cats keep attacking the MCU because Phase Four was the worst one, but people forget that the entire Marvel franchise is for f*cking kids. Now, I'll be the first to say a kids flick doesn't need to be brain-dead on arrival but, with the exception of Thor 2, none of the MCU films actually are. For the most part, they are solid flicks with decent messaging and great characters. In terms of Phase Four, the writing has slipped, for sure, so a ton of sh*t is getting shoehorned into shows that should have been films and films that should have been shows. And that’s the problem with Phase Four: Execution. WandaVision should have been a movie. Shorten up that run time, focus the budget a bit, and that sh*t could have been wonderful. The last two episodes of that show were trash. They ran out of money. With a cinematic run time of two and a half hours, you are forced to trim that fat. Same thing with Ms. Marvel. Make it a Special, like Werewolf by Night and carry on. Eternals should have been, for sure, a limited series. Focus on the principal characters as we follow them over the years after their break up, subtly weaving the danger of the those Deviants throughout the narrative, and end with that revelation about the Celestials which could potentially lead into a film. Build a little mini-Eternals universe within the MCU because that’s basically what they are. Execution.

Honestly, while Phase Four has been disappointing, it’s not all terrible. There are some very strong entries in this, more or less, experimental Phase. Obviously No Way Home is peak Spider-fair, i really dig Moon Knight (a fourth watch is actually what spurred this essay), and i actually really liked both Loki and Ms. Marvel. I though Falcon and Bucky was a very strong entry which was as important a story to tell as Black Panther and, for all of my previous criticisms, i genuinely enjoy, like, eighty percent of WandaVision. Speaking of, MoM was amazing because of Wanda and Shang-Chi worked in a way i did not expect. There is much more good in Phase Four than bad. Let’s be honest, even at it’s worst (She-Hulk), Phase Four has nothing as sh*t as say, Transformers 2. Not even Dark World is THAT dog sh*t. Phase Four is, undeniably, the worst the MCU has ever been but its not because of wokeness or lack of passion. People are blinded by all of the “social messaging�� and “identity politics”, which is f*cking stupid because, upon a revisit to the majority of these entries, these films don’t say sh*t. There is no messaging. Outside of making people of color the leads of these new entries, or gender-swapping a few B-list villains, there is nothing so overly egregious about Phase Four to make it that controversial. I you have beef with Phase Four, make sure it’s on the merit of the shows, themselves, and not because of the diversity put on display.

Falcon and Bucky has an undercurrent of race relations throughout it’s run, which makes sense, because the lead character is a black man. More than that, i hearkens back to the incredibly f*cked up history the US has with black bodies, personified with the character Isaiah Bradley. That type of sh*t happened to us all the time. It still is happening to this day. The fact that there is a capeflick story about, doesn’t take away from the fact that Falcon and Bucky is arguably the strongest entry in Phase Four. It’s also the only show with a message. Well, i take that back. She-Hulk kind of does, too. Now, i liked She-Hulk. I th0ught it was a cute little side-story which rang true to the character i know from the comics but all of the neckbeards and chauvinists were ringing their bigot bells because the dared to make light of their sexist squeals. That entire show is meta commentary about the reaction said show was going to get in the blogshpere. It’s f*cking wild because, even the few who picked up on the fact that the entire goddamn show was dunking on them, still went on their rants about how the “M-She-U” was ruining everything. Outside of these two entries, there is absolutely no messaging in  anything the MCU has ever made. Even in Phase Four, those two shows are the only inherently messaged pieces of media but, apparently, the entire Phase is terrible because of politics? Really? Y’all are throwing the baby out with the bigoted bathwater.

Phase Four sucks because the writing has dulled considerably and the executives started taking the audience for granted. hey stopped trying and got comfortable with their formula. The worst hing about the MCU is they blew their load with the first three Phases. They used up all of the recognizable heroes early on, which is funny because, when the MCU started, those cats were B-list. Plus That’s why Marvel even had the rights to Iron Man in the first place; No other studio wanted to buy them. He wasn’t known as a top seller. That movie MADE the MCU, which made every other character introduced along the way. But that’s over now. Just like in comics, it’s time to change the guard. Phase Four was always going to be a difficult situation. It was always going to awkward. We are saying goodbye to characters we’ve known and loved for a decade, while introducing characters no one knows a f*cking thing about. Shang-Chi? Really? Kamala Khan? Riri Williams? Who the f*ck are these character and why should we care? That’s literally the same thing everyone said when Iron Man dropped in 08. Look how far we've come. And we got this far on the back of solid writing, dope execution, and great f*cking performances. Phase Four has two out of three, which kind of lines up with Phase One when you think about it.

More to the point, how do you come back after Endgame? DO you have any idea how difficult a challenge trying to continue any semblance of narrative after the f*cking Infinity Saga? Of course the first Phase after such an endearing narrative was going to be all over the place. What threat is as potent as Thanos? What villain is a is imposing? How do you tell a better story after half the goddamn universe was snapped out of existence? That, in of itself, should give a bit of leeway in where we are to go next but nope! “Fans” are taking to the internet in an effort to spew their vitriol and hate, not because the shows; themselves, are bad, but because they are too “woke.” Woke being code for ethnic, of course. I’ll be the first to say some of that is a little heavy-handed but even with the current management botching fundamental aspects of cinema, these films are still popcorn blockbusters that have a ton of heart. If I'm a twelve year old getting into comics for the first time, the MCU is a perfect adaption of that experience. They are fun, lighthearted, character-driven adventures which don't go too heavy on the messaging and isn't some grimdark, edgelord, misery festival like Snyder's DCEU. There's a reason Aquaman, the most MCU of that lot, made a billion goddamn dollars. Capefilms can be highbrow fair if they want to be. Road to Perdition and V for Vendetta exist. They can be elevated to Oscar caliber cinema. Joker and The Dark Knight claim that crown. But let's not forget that, first and foremost, these are movies about cats who where their underwear on the outside and cut this genre a bit of slack. Cut the MCU a bit of slack. They’re starting over after giving you a decade’s worth of the best entertainment possible, even though they’re just supposed to be kids movies.

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Recent-ish TV/movie reboots I’ve watched:

- Arrested Development: Controversially, I thought season 4 was a work of art. Not the same thing as the first three seasons, but something else that was really good. The way everything started out of place and then fit together perfectly like a puzzle, the way you didn’t just get more out of it on a second watch, you were basically watching a whole new show because you had all the context. But then, I am really into things that fit together like a puzzle. In terms of pure comedy… it was good, not quite up to the standards of the first three, but to be fair, those are ridiculously high standards.

Season 5 was good too, and I was happy to have it, though I did rather like the narrative poetry in the idea of the whole show ending on Michael Cera finally punching his dad in the face at the end of season 4.

- Cobra Kai: So much fun. Okay, maybe not technically the best show out there, maybe technically a high school drama. But it’s so much fun. And gets a few things surprisingly true-to-life that I rarely see on screen, like how cycles of abuse work in coach/athlete relationships (God, the number of times I’ve been told to forgive the high school coach who treated my teammates and I like shit because his coach fucked him up first, there are solid bits of drama for TV shows there that so far have been mainly covered by Cobra Kai and The Mighty Ducks). But aside from that, it’s just done well. I love the way they got back nearly every significant actor from the original movies. The way they took the characters to places that felt like they made sense, weren’t exactly where they were before but weren’t wildly different either, it seemed like a logical progression. The balance of old characters with new ones. And the way they have fun with working in stuff from the movies. It’s great.

- Veronica Mars: The movie was okay. The fourth season was, in my mildly controversial opinion, pretty good. It didn’t live up to the standards of the first two seasons, but few things do, including the third season. Season 4 looks pretty good if you don’t see it as coming off the back of seasons 1 and 2, but instead remember that season 3 existed, so the reboot left it on a better note than that. Season 4 felt more true to the original characters than season 3 did, and it had better explanations for stuff. Also a lot of people got mad about the ending but I never liked her with Logan anyway so that was fine.

- Party Down: Fucking awesome. I finally watched this one recently, which is what prompted this post. I first rewatched seasons and 1 and 2, which reminded me of how very, very good this show was in the first place. And season 3 lived up to that, which is more than I could have hoped for. They found a way to keep around the old characters without changing the setting or keeping them stagnant. To let them grow but still be involved in this thing they were doing years ago. That is a tough needle to thread, given the original premise, and they did it so well. It felt like no time had passed, like all the actors and writers were excited to be back, like everyone still had passion for this. They brought in new characters who were funny in their own ways and it all felt natural.

- Toy Story: God, such an unnecessary reboot, just leave the old classics alone.

…Just kidding, obviously. Obviously. The third movie was magic and beautiful, it grew with the original audience without compromising the childlike wonder, the fourth didn’t quite live up to the standards of the third, but still good.

I might be forgetting something, but I think these are all the reboots I’ve seen, and given that, my personal view of rebooting old series is that it’s not nearly as bad as its reputation. However, I’m pretty sure I just got lucky in not seeing the bad ones.

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #591

Top Ten Moments in Indiana Jones Movies

I don’t know if you’ve noticed but there’s a new Indiana Jones movie. Directed by James Mangold – who made Cop Land, Walk the Line, and Logan – it stars the 108-year-old Harrison Ford, Fleabag, and that bloke who always plays baddies playing a baddie. It’s called The Dial of Destiny and based on nothing but my own assumptions (and the fact that it seems as if Mads Mikkelsen’s Nazi ne’er-do-well might not have aged between 1944 and 1969) that it’s gonna have something to do with time travel. I reckon Karen Allen’s Marion Ravenwood – last seen marrying Dr. Henry Jones Jr – has died (sniff) and when he gets his hand on this “Dial of Destiny”, Indy’s gonna have a moral moment a bit like at the end of Last Crusade, where he could put this immense power out of enemy hands for good, or use it himself to bring his wife back.

Or maybe I’m completely wrong.

Anyway, to celebrate the release of Dial of Destiny I actually re-watched all four prior Indy films this year. I could rank them, but there’s, like, four, so it’s not really a top ten. But then I thought, well, what are the best moments in the movies? Because these are films just built on moments. Even the lesser ones have some tremendous action scenes, fight scenes, stuntwork, and prolonged chases. Crystal Skull – the much-maligned fourth outing – is at its best when it’s on the hoof, with a great warehouse escape in the opening sequence, a bike chase through a university, and a chase through the jungle that ends up going down a waterfall. These are excellent moments of action cinema that really showcase just how adept at this sort of stuff Spielberg is.

And Crystal Skull isn’t even the best film! I mean, it’s not the worst either, but it’s down there a little bit.

What I’m trying to say is that the whole Indy saga is just a phenomenally well-constructed series of breakneck, nail-biting, expertly choreographed action scenes. I’m not really sure why Spielberg isn’t talked about more as an action director, because he stages the heck out of these things, and is capable of not only giving us exciting cinema, not only framing it in such a way as to be decipherable and easy to follow, but also injects a huge amount of humour and heart and character into these things. From the very first moments of Raiders, we have the core tenants defined: yes, it’s a great, exciting, action set piece; but it’s also inventive (the idol, the arrows, the boulder!). It shows Indy’s ingenuity and knowledge but also his fallibility; he cocks up by mistaking the weight of the idol and so triggering the booby traps. He runs hell for leather, appears knackered and beaten down (we also have that sublime moment where grabs a vine, thinks he’s safe, cracks a relieved smile, and then the vine starts to tear away and he panics again). Then he’s captured, taunted, has the idol taken from him, but manages to escape anyway with arrows raining down around him. And he hates snakes! He hates ‘em!

The boulder scene hasn’t made this list, shockingly; yes, I’m even angry with myself. But bloody hell fire, there’s just so much in these films. Almost every one of them has at least three or four simply phenomenal action scenes. There are absolute all-time iconic scenes here. Any list of the best action scenes of all time ever that didn’t include at least one Indiana Jones sequence is not to be trusted. And yeah, okay, whilst there may have been a little bit of trying to give every film a fair shake here, I do think that all of them have their merits and then some. Even the really stupid bit in Temple of Doom when they jump out of an aeroplane in a dingy is still a cool stunt.

All this said and still I think the best thing about Indy is the heart and humanity of the series. Yeah, okay, I guess he’s a cad and a bit of a graverobber and all that, but the whole franchise is about how, deep down, he cares so damn much. He believes in stuff. He loves people. He gets hurt but he keeps getting back up again. And again, and again, and again, long after he probably, realistically, should have stopped making these films. Which is why not all of these moments are really action – some of them are drama and some of them are comedy. But we still have that propulsive excellence that defines these movies.

Indiana. Let it go.

The truck chase (Raiders of the Lost Ark, 1981): one of the greatest stunts in history as far as I’m concerned. It’s a great car chase which features clambering over and around trucks, people getting punched out of windows, and – oh my god – the classic Stagecoach-riffing moment where Vic Armstrong crawls underneath a moving truck and edges his way to the rear before climbing up the back of the vehicle. It’s stunning. And, again, it’s a sequence that features so many great Ford reaction shots and instances of him getting battered.

The tank chase (The Last Crusade, 1989): another excellent chase through the sand, with Indy once more going on and around a large moving vehicle. Here, though, we have multiple things going on, with Henry and Marcus in the tank, and Sallah helping out on horseback. There’s great ingenuity – the rock in the gun barrel – and ups and downs as our heroes score minor victories and then get clonked on the head. And then the tension of Indy trapped on the barrel, about to hit a rock, and then the glorious gag of the tank going over the cliff and a bedraggled Indy joining his companions as they stare over the edge.

The Brody cut (Crusade): yep, not really an action beat, but I did just say “moments”! This is such a funny bit and one of the best jump cut edits of all time. We slowly track in on Indy as he taunts the Nazis with Marcus Brody’s skills and accomplishments; “with a little luck, he’s found the Grail already.” Smash cut: Brody walking through a market loudly asking if anyone speaks English. What more is there to say? He got lost in his own museum.

“Let it go” (Crusade): still on Crusade, a film that’s one percent not quite as amazing as Raiders but is still just so damn good. This is almost an action scene as it’s a tense bit of stuntwork and effects as Indy falls into a crevice and stretches out to retrieve the Grail, his fingers touching it. The simplicity of his dad calling him “Indiana” for the one and only time in the movie – acknowledging his son’s choices, having grown to understand and accept them – is so touching it kicks Indy out of his Grail-mania and allows him to be saved, choosing life – and therefore death – over the Grail’s promise of immortality.

Anything Goes (Temple of Doom, 1984): my least-favourite of the four films (by a gnat’s wing) still has some blinding moments, including the best opening of the series. Spielberg scratches his musical itch about thirty-five years before West Side Story will a beautifully choreographed Busby Berkeley-esque dance sequence of chorus girls, and future Mrs. Spielberg Kate Capshaw singing in Mandarin. When Indy drinks poison and scrambles for an antidote there’s a knockabout, slapstick quality to the proceedings, with things getting kicked away amidst a riot and a fight, and then – and then! – they end up in a car chase through Shanghai, before the great final gag. Nice try, Lao Che!

The plane (Raiders): the story of the production of the plane fight is legendary – George Lucas snapping two wings off a model because it would be too expensive to build full-scale – but the sequence itself remains extraordinary. Another great example of Indy getting the shit kicked out of him, it’s also a great showcase for Marion as she batters a Nazi pilot with some chocks and attempts to steer the plane, its rotation – and spinning rotors – a recurring threat as Indy fights a Nazi man-mountain. After all the tension and drama of the fight, we get that great moment of gore as the spinning blades hit our adversary; just the right gruesomely funny coda to a terrific scene.

The castle escape (Crusade): the whole sequence with Indy and his dad in the Nazi castle is brilliant, with their banter just terrific right from the off, and then it evolves into another of those almost Rube Goldberg-like escalating action scenes. There’s the attempt to escape from being tied together on chairs, a rapidly escalating fire, and a secret revolving fireplace. And then, out of the castle, there’s a brilliant bike chase, with pursuing Nazis sent flying like Stormtroopers on speeder bikes. It all culminates in Henry’s brilliant speech about the Grail being life, about this being a battle against evil. So good.

Young Indiana (Crusade): prequels, eh? Whatcha gonna do? But here we see the most perfect prequel of all time – possibly because it’s only, like, fifteen minutes long or something. But in this microcosm we see every element of Indy, from the superficial to the significant. He gets his whip, he gets his hat, he gets the dinky little scar on his chin; but we also see his resolve, tenacity, his desire to preserve these ancient antiquities for the wider world… his fear of snakes. And we see the difficult relationship he had with his dad. It’s everything you need in a prequel, with a hot, charismatic, terrific actor playing the younger version of our hero. And it’s just so fun; the chase through the desert, the various train carriages… it’s an amazing opening sequence.

The mine karts (Doom): like the world’s best videogame level, this has ups, downs, and everything in between. To describe it as a rollercoaster isn’t doing it any justice; I think they actually did turn it into a rollercoaster. But this is just another one of those iconic sequences, with all the various jumps and spills, characters going in and out of different karts; so iconic, in fact, that it’s been homage and replicated time and again. Donkey Kong Country owes it a big debt, for instance. It does beg the question, though: why did the Thuggees build this crazy, impossible, multi-mile-long network of higgledy-piggledy train tracks? It makes no damn sense!

The bike chase (Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, 2008): the scenes and sequences in Crystal Skull might not be quite as iconic – although the image of Indiana Jones, a WWII-era throwback to nineteenth century adventurer-explorers, framed against a mushroom cloud is pretty dramatic – but this prolonged fight-cum-chase is an excellent example of Spielberg’s inventive direction. Tapping into its fifties milieu, we have a greasers-versus-jocks brawl, and our heroes on a Harley pursued by sinister besuited figures, Indy moving in and out of vehicles (this is a franchise staple that I don’t think I’d quite clicked on until this list), at one point dragged along on foot, before the chase enters the university itself, riding through a library to allow Indy to give some advice to Tom Hanks’ son. It’s a wild, escalating action-packed sequence full of character and comedy, and shows that even after all this time the series still had it.

Another good bit from Crystal Skull? Jim Broadbent sadly reflecting that they’ve reached the age when life “takes more than it gives”. It has quite a nice, melancholy air that film, that’s often overlooked.

And, god, what bits haven’t I mentioned? Marion’s bar! Asps! Toht’s coat hanger! The bridge! The bugs! The zeppelin! They named the dog Indiana!

Anyway: Indiana Jones. Fab, innit?

[self-loathing-angel-of-thursday2]

Beautiful Spouse’s Rewatch Thoughts SPN 06x09

Clap Your Hands if You Believe

“Maybe just go back into the truck?” “Uh huh” 🎶get in the car🎶

“I didn’t see that coming” “That’s some X-Files shit right there” “Oh, it’s a poke ball” “OH SHIT IT IS X-FILES” “This is so cheesy” “This isn’t how X-Files goes at all” laughed at Dean saying “fairies” “hmmm???” “oh shit” “HE got abducted and turned into a spirt thing?” “purty” “If the leaves were turning, wouldn’t the corn be, at least, dry? This is like md-summer corn” “nice” “I think the fourth one is a butt thing” “What the fuck” “Royalty free ringtone” “This is like mid-summer corn. It’s just sprouting” “We saw fall colors at one time. There’s leaves on the ground”

Laughed

‘HARSH MAN. HOLY SHIT”

Idk why that was funny” “It’s a butt thing” “What are they drinking? Ice tea?” slow clap

“What were they pulling on, Dean?” “Feeding the cats cheese is very distracting from watching the show” “Maybe you worry about your own little green guy, Sam” “Fkn internet man” “You should turn this screen into your Tumblr blog profile. Look at this shit” We went to littlegreenfriendsandfoes.com and it redirected to a eco mommy blog shop

Spouse is reading the blog page and is having a ball making fun of it

“There’s no icon for Video Player. He has two untitled documents on his desktop. The movie folder actually has content in it, I think. He really likes movies and videos” “It’s the fkn tooth fairy. Go shoot the tooth fairy. Go do it. It’s just tinker belle let’s go’ “Was he trying to look at her nipples? To be fair, I would too” “He just microwaved a fkn fairy. That’s awful man” “Is he incapable of saying the word fairy?” “What hotel room has this lighting?” “Why can’t he say fairy?” “He said it!” “Why are you laughing? I missed it” Rewinding 

“I thought Sam didn’t have a soul so why would he care if Dean serviced the king? What a fkn prick” “What’s wrong with Sedona?” “What?” “Somebody raked leaves in the road for that shot” “His entire life he’s been trying to get Sam laid and now he’s…I guess I don’t give a shit. It’s Sam. Moving on” “Who put the smoke machine in the trash? I don’t think there’s power in the trash so how is it on” “Not going to lie - that knife looks pretty dull” “I wanna know how they made it look so shitty” “That reminds me of Honey I Shrunk the Kids. I don’t know man” “Why bring a knife? Just throw salt on the ground, right?” “That’s a weird thing to say” “Fergalicious” “I thought this guy was the other guy” “Was that their first go pro shot? Oh yeah Ghostfacers” “that didn’t age super well. Oh well” “oh my god” “Can Sam step on them if he can’t see them? Otherwise he’d end up murdering them ya know?” “He’s been to the ranch.” “little south of center but sure” “you know where his soul is? Then whispered “Ram Ranch” “He’s definitely got a way for getting into back doors” “Would his gel be sweated out by now?” “thats one hell of a weakness” “Why is the cooler in front of the car?” “Dick and Ass” “how what works?” “Why would his brain work better now?”

[amerwitch]

Let's. Fucking. Go.

sometimes it's not the story we tell but how we tell it...

“Are you ever going to write about your trip to Springfield?”

“No, I am going to let that weekend rot away into the dark.”

“You had fun.  You came home with an opossum.”

“And a snapper.”

“Tell me about it.”

“The snapper?”

“The whole fucking weekend!”

“I was a grown up and booked the hotel room and rented the car all by myself.  It was the first steps for this weekend.

“I felt better once I got the car, the 2023 new shiny object named Charlotte.

“I loaded up the car to find out the fucking car has no USB port.  It’s all C ports.”

“What the hell?”

“And it didn’t like Google maps and I wasn’t going to subscribe for a few days and I am so fucking tired of everything being a subscription-based life.

“I’m on the road, listening to my podcast, made it all the way to Springfield without crying.  I make it to Chili’s and txt Nicole for our lunch date.”

“How adult of you.”

“I know!

“Anyway, we lunch, I get my nose pierced, I buy a tarot deck, and set up an appointment for a tattoo.”

“A tattoo?!?”

“Yeah.  We will talk about that later.” 

“Much later.”

“I make it back to the hotel and crank the air down to ice and just relax.  I have the whole room to myself, and unpack.

“I loved the fact that I will be the only one in this room.  That I have full control over where things and how I can keep it neat.

“I lay on the bed, pop out my tablet and keep on my rewatch of Gray’s Anatomy.”

“Was that the only thing you watch?”

“Yes.  I started way back in March and I was able to keep going.  No time wasting going over all the different streaming services, no time wasted scrolling thought all the shows and movies just to watch the same fucking movie, over and over.”

“Or watching something for an hour and then switching to something else and being told that you are not watching, even thought you had no desire to watch the show and told said person that.”

“None of that fuckery happen.”

“Tell me about Colt.”

“He came over, Nicole came over.  Next time, I want a pizza party, an old fashion slumber party type.”

“How is our DarkShark?”

“His ass was giving him problems.”

“He is an ass.”

“It happens.”

“Not the brightest crayon in the box but he’s our favorite color.”

“It was a fun small night.  They go home and I am left with a king size bed all to myself.”

“Not just an ass width on the edge?”

“The whole fucking thing.”

“Nice.”

“Wake up, made a Walmart run for breakfast, fucking app is worthless, back to the room and then Nicole comes over and we make our way the Alamo for the movie.”

“Tell me about the movie!  Give me all the spoilers!”

I watched all the X-men cartoons, the new olds, and then a watch/rewatch of all the X-Men movies.  I could see where Fox was going with the movies but, they lack heart.  They kept throwing in more and more characters that just show up for a movie and then to be never seen again and, why?  What’s the point of a one-night stand?”

“Are you just spoiled with having the MCU?”

“Maybe.”

“Did you watch the Deadpool movies?”

“Yes.  And the weird thing about those movies, they felt they had heart.”

“Heart?  Deadpool?”

“First one was a love story, 2nd was a found family thing.  With all the fourth wall breaking and f-bombs, they had heart.  They had a story.  They made you care.  X-Men just felt they forced a story on you, based on the love of the comic and cartoons.”

“It’s hard to care about characters when you don’t have any emotional attachment to them and the movie is banking on some feels from a cartoon show you were supposed to base your childhood on.”

“Fair.  What about this movie?”

“Deadpool is about sacrilegious.  And they started off with sacrilegious.  And the movie went off from there.”

“What was your favorite parts?”

“Well, Chris Evans showed up and right when we thought he was gonna yell ‘Avengers assemble’ he yelled ‘Flame on.’”

“No!”

“And I didn’t think I was going to go so feral when Blade showed up.”

“Blade!”

“Wesley still has it.

“And then, he showed up.”

“Who?!?”

“Channing Tatum as Gambit.”

“Oh, my gods.  They went there.”

“They went to a lot of places.  One of them had comic book accurate short Wolverine.”

“You thought of him, right there, didn’t you?”

“Yes.  I thought of him off and on during the movie.”

“He’s not coming back.”

“It’s a matter of I am not taking him back.  Back to the movie!

“Overall, that movie had heart.  It was a buddy flick of found familyness?”

“Did they kiss?”

“The Internet has deemed the fight scene in the van as them fucking.”

“Nice.”

“After the movie, we made our way to Bass Pro Shop to find an opossum.  I did not think it would be so fucking hard to find an opossum at freaking Bass Pro Shop.  Tons of penguins to buy.

“Nicole found an opossum, right after I found a snapping turtle.  My budget was $50, both were $20 and both came home.

“We decide in the parking lot that Nicole would stay home and me and Colt would hit the bar that night.

“Colt took a nap.”

“You haven’t napped since the Reagan administration.”

“Damn right.

“I woke his ass up, we went to Taco Bell, and then the bar,”

“And the drinking and gummies?”

“Yes.”

“Do anything fun?”

“Well, I’m Tinder now.”

“How’s that going?”

“I gave Colt my phone and he is going on Tinder and I am like ‘No!!!!’ and he is SWIPEING RIGHT!

“Then we are chatting with a guy and I don’t know what I am doing and Colt just unmatched me with him because Colt said something (I am drunk, it is loud, and it’s been a few days since this happen) about how this guy isn’t respecting me and that Colt respects me.

“And then the other morning it hits me hard:  Colt kept asking me if I was ok, all night long.  If Matthew was there, he would be asking me what he was doing wrong.

“Colt was asking about me.  Because he cares about me.  To make sure I was ok while taking in all the alcohol and pot and the vibes of the places.

“Colt is the better boyfriend.  He sees me as a whole person.  I am more than just parts to fuck; I am a whole human to him.

“OH!  And then the witchcraft stuff I discover!”

“At the bar?”

“Yes!

“I am at the bar.  I am drunk.  I am high.  The music.  The lights.  It hits me.

“This is how my ancestors use to do it.  They would eat the mushroom, and with the firelights in the caves and the drums beating, this is how they did it, this is how I am doing it now.  Eons have pasted and this is the same thread.”

“What about the other things?”

“So, it hits me before seeing Dr. Strange a few years back that if crystals can store energy, and crystals are just fancy rocks, then the rocks from back yard can store energy and I can store the energy from the bar into a rock and take it home.  And I did it.

“So, while at the bar this time, I just let everything in me.”

“That’s what she said.”

“ANYWAY, I don’t know if it’s because I work retail or just the way I am, I feel that I am always shielding so hard, nothing can get in or out. 

“So, when I went to the backyard to do some praying a few days after I came back, I hit me.

“While in the bar, I was taking in the energy, vibes.  It was in me.  I woke up the next day needing a cheeseburger because I wasn’t grounded.

“If rocks can store energy and our bones are stones, then all those vibes of the bar are in me, it’s stored in my bones.  I carry that with me, at all times.  I don’t need a rock or that.”

“Oh wow.”

“I know.

“Sunday was spent visiting my people.  It was good quality time.  Sunday night was a whole pizza for myself and TV time.

“Monday, I left, driving out of the city in a way that would make Colt proud of me.”

“That’s scary to think about.”

“I made it home.”

“You had a good time.”

“I had a wonderful time.  It’s been a month and I am going back 36 odd days.”

“For your birthday?”

“Yes.”

“Gonna party like it’s 1999?”

“Fuck yeah.”

“Let’s fucking go then.”