#to be consistent...... ppl try to talk to me or b friends but so often its my fault that im just exhausted or dissociating or losing my

[golbrocklovely]

Random question,

Were you homeschooled? If you were, I have literally no socialization when it comes to people besides family. My mental health is rotting, I'm extremely emotionally sensitive, and I feel I really need friends, like it just feels like it would help alot.

What do you think?

i was only homeschooled for 8th grade, but i do get the sentiment of not knowing how to make friends. i used to have a big friend group that i've since lost bc back in 2020 my best friend of 10 years (and basically my life line to that group) decided she didn't want to be friends with me anymore bc her life was too stressful and she figured she was a shit friend anyway so she should cut me loose (along with a mirade of other things that went on that she blamed it on). so, i haven't had a core group of friends in a long time and i struggle to connect with ppl.

i will say, your best bet - at least at first - is to try to make friends online based on things/fandoms you are a part of. i have my couple friends on here, and even tho we almost exclusively talk about snc related shit, i still count them as my closest friends. and it's nice to be able to talk to them about that stuff.

and as for in real life stuff you can do to make friends, idk how old you are, but try to see if there are any local groups or events you can join in your area. see if there is a book group at your local library, see if there are any classes at a community center you can take. hell, even getting a job where some of the ppl in that place are the same age as you is good starting point as well. when you are in forced proximity with ppl, you tend to befriend others more often. that's why a lot of us were even able to have friends in school.

try to go into everything with an open mind. and genuinely remember that 99% of ppl are a, in the same boat as you (confused and don't know what to do next) and b, aren't trying to hurt your feelings. most ppl are nice. of course there are assholes, but try not to let ppl like that bring you down. and gentle reminder, you most likely are not as awkward as you feel. and i know that from personal experience lol

also, my biggest recommendation is working on yourself as well and learning to become your own best friend. i know that's very cliche and silly to say, but highkey one of the best choices i ever made was learning to cut myself some slack and start being nice to myself. if you can afford it, consider therapy. but i know that's not always an option for ppl (even myself). try to do some introspection on who you are, the obstacles you've gone thru and overcame, and do your best to be nice to yourself. i'm telling you, when you start to actually like yourself and give yourself a break, especially on the things you had no control over in the first place, life starts to feel a lot less harder to deal with.

even if your first step is to start reading self help books - do that. write out your feelings more, explore why you act the way you do and if that's something you want to change. set goals that are reasonable, put pride into yourself. treat yourself like you would someone you are friends with. think of yourself as someone worthy of love, bc you are.

but let it be known that this will not happen overnight. i wish it did, but it took me YEARS, i truly mean years, to finally start liking myself and having any resemblance of confidence. it will not happen in one go. you have to be consistent and constantly working on yourself. and i know that can be difficult. but in the long run it will do wonders for yourself.

i wish i had all the answers for you, and i wish i knew the best course for you to take. and i wish you all the luck in the world. i truly believe you will make friends and start a great path on your mental health journey. it won't be easy, and it will take a lot of time, but it's worth it bc you deserve that. you deserve happiness <3

[magnoliamyrrh]

.

[queenaeducan]

Morrigan, Isabela and Sera for character opinion bingo? :) 💖

Keeping this under a cut for length / character critical discussion!

Morrigan

I really love Morrigan when she's talking to friendly Wardens or Kieran (I ADORE her development if she becomes a mother and think it's a great way of exploring the abusive upbringing she suffered) but I can't take her anywhere because her morality especially in DA:O feels very... fantasy ayn rand. I like a lot of fandom interpretations of her more than I enjoy her in the games themselves, although I don't necessarily think in-game Morrigan is like... poorly written. I do think she suffers a bit from "evil" companion syndrome tho, where someone has to support the Warden doing the worst thing imaginable, but it's consistent enough that I can accept it as part of her character/moral alignment.

Isabela

Isabela is neat. She's one of the characters where I wish I could take a middle ground between her friendship and rivalry path, I think I split the difference by having her at 100% friendship by Act 3 so I can pick the choice that gets me rivalry points without it costing me anything. She gets done real dirty by parts of the fandom thanks to whitewashing alone, nvm people who think she's shallow or hate her b/c of a Fenris romance glitch (or the fact that she dared to sleep with him in pts where they're trying out the Merrills or Andersmance). My first pt she actually left me and even when I loaded trying to fix her approval by giving her the book it still didn't work. I don't hold it against her tho <3

While I do like a lot about her writings in DA2 I do think there was wasted potential in her interactions with Aveline and Fenris. With Aveline I think the whole thing is a mess and, considering their morals etc, I don't think I'd want them to get along, but I wish their rivalry was less gendered. With Fenris I sort of lean into the interpretation that there is solidarity between them but I think the writing could have been tighter in places.

But anyway she's perfect.

Sera

I get why ppl don't like Sera, but I like her a lot. She can be a lot but I also think she's often done dirty by her writer and by the fandom. It's interesting to see what amounts to a regular person's take on mages and Templars after spending 2-3 games embroiled in their politics, even if that perspective is flawed. Her conflict with her elven identity could have been better written but I do like that she was able to grow in the Trespasser DLC. I wish she had a better arc in the main game, it's not without its strengths, but she parallels and contrasts with the likes of Solas and offers a unique perspective we don't get in many other companions through the series.

I do hope we see Sera again tbh b/c I wanna see her and Dagna be in lesbians together and I think she has a stronger case than Varric for being involved in DA4.

Oh and this epilogue for her is my fave: 

With the Inquisition now serving the Divine / With the Inquisition disbanded, Sera returned to the singular and plural role of Red Jenny...because nobility and grammar could both still eat it. Many noted how Sera's methods had changed after seeing the Inquisitor stand for everyone. This Red Jenny was more focused, tactical, and, some dared say, effective. She and her network could also be counted on to act in the interests of the supposedly desk-bound / supposedly retired Inquisitor. Sera remained a formidable ally of allies, intent on proving that the powerful weren't, and that it was friends who mattered over all.

[king-dail]

Baoh Minecraft Headcanons

Walken (Username: The_Carnage_Warrior)

- Walken is SMART he would pimp out his place in a matter of hours while Ikuro is still in his dirt cave - Only comes up from his mine when he has a full inventory (He also has at least one 64 stack of diamonds) - Finds diamonds in his first hour on a new world. Absolute chad - Could speedrun the game if he wants to, but doesn't - Constantly challenges Ikuro to PvP's, but is always rejected - Gets really mad when Ikuro doesn't wanna fight - Is neutral to redstone. He can do it, but he doesn't see the point - Only speaks in voice chat to roast ppl

Sumire (Username: CodeCrackingCrayon24)

- Sumire bugs Ikuro to change the difficulty to peaceful whenever she wants to go and mine (Spoiler alert: He always caves in) - Her house is like one of those hobbit houses (She definitely looked up inspiration from google) - Collects flowers and animals - Has a dog with a brown collar named after Nottsuo - Makes sick ass murals with stained glass - Definitely makes memes and puts them on maps to fuck with Ikuro - She is in charge of all the decoration since she and Ikuro live together (Last time Ikuro tried to decorate he put snow everywhere) - Ikuro once fell into powder snow and nearly died. Dorudo laughed but nobody else did. As punishment, Sumire put powder snow all over his house and watched him freeze while screeching in chat - Likes redstone and is really good at it - Talks about her day in voice chat

Dorudo (Username: Xx_CyborgSniperDorudo_xX)

- Tries to snipe Ikuro when he's afk - DEFINITELY griefs ppl - His inventory consists of arrows and a single bow - Lives in a dirt house - Has had Walken fuck up his shit more than once - Uses hacks - Basically that friend nobody likes - Snipes monsters when he isn't trying to make life worse for everybody else - Tried to PvP Ikuro once but got his ass beaten so badly he's now reduced to attempting to shoot him with arrows from afar - Once while trying to snipe Ikuro he fell off a cliff, resulting in 1) his untimely doom and 2) everybody laughing at him via chat - He's not very well respected anymore - Refuses to touch redstone with a 10 foot long pole after a particularly nasty incident involving tnt and gravel - Gets bullied in voice chat

Ikuro (Username: SocialParasite89)

- He isn't shit at the game, but he isn't terribly great either - Mostly does farming and mining, but his real skill is fighting - However, he doesn't like to fight unless it's absolutely necessary - Has considered switching his gamemode to creative so he can give all his animals nametags - Has a massive farm and makes sure he has least one 64 stack of bread - If you were to come up and ask him for food he'd gladly give it to you - He puts signs EVERYWHERE. Some of them are actual markers for locations but most of them are just little messages like "walken is cool" and "tell nottsuo hi for me sumire :)" - Uses chat the most out of everyone and does those little chat emojis (Like B), O_O, >:)c, so on and so forth) - Goes afk often due to being called by his parents - Does most of the food making - Also breaks into ppls houses to put food in their chests and leaves (Dorudo fucking hates this, Walken could literally care less, and Aya thinks it's cute) - Sucks absolute shit at Redstone - Goes into voice chat and just talks about whatever

Aya (Username: Ac1d-Tra1n47)

- Aya's house is like right next to Ikuro's - Is more willing to throw hands than Ikuro (Basically the "He said he wanted NO pickles!" meme) - Sniped the shit out of Dorudo after the powder snow incident - Is also really good with redstone - Teamed up with Sumire and nuked Dorudo's dirt shack multiple times - Is absolute besties with Sumire - Listens to Die In A Fire by the Living Tombstone while stealing all of Dorudo's shit - Remixes songs with noteblocks - Gets on voice chat and immediately puts on MAD RAT PURGATORY while Dorudo screams in rage

Bonus: Baoh (Username: Same as Ikuro’s)

- Tries to type "Baro" but ends up keysmashing instead - Turns it's mouse sensitivity really high - Doesn't know what redstone is - When it's in voice chat the only thing that can be heard is "BAROO BAROBARO BAROOOOO"

Even Bonuser: Nottsuo

- Doesn't play Minecraft

[sapphicwhxre]

tiny pansy rant, cut short so it’s *hopefully* not too long:

i. wanted. to. see. her. change! and in my opinion the reason she never got the chance was because jkr used her character to make fun of people she disliked :/

pretty much all the other noteable slytherins had some sort of redemption arc,, and yeah they’re still mostly problematic people but they got chances: snape, draco, narcissa, regulus, slughorn, leta and technically andromeda? you get the point i just—

like miss ma’am decided to make pansy,, the like slytherin stereotype? and have her want to betray harry? she was seventeen ffs, not bellatrix lestrange. she was in the middle of a war? in my personal opinion i don’t think that she wanted to hand harry over out of cruelty like. it’s possible? but maybe she was just scared? also don’t we know that pansy was terrified at the thought of like. voldemort coming to hogwarts? again: everyone expects all of the children in harry potter to be these selfless brave individuals,, they’re kids :( yes ik it’s ya fantasy but cmon. they were supposed to be stressed about the N.E.W.T exams not the upheaval of their society?

and don’t get me wrong i know that she was. not a good person. she was a bitchy teenage bully who was taught hateful views. but i wanted to see her change even a little– even draco marries someone who presumably teaches him how to treat people equally? like. there was so much room for change: she was a prefect, she was capable of some kindness seeing as she liked draco, or alternatively, we could’ve seen her break away from draco and potentially stop hating harry/all his friends quite so much or develop her own opinions. or maybe her group of friends that she used for validation throughout her school years was uprooted during the war and she had to learn that independency? or her pointing out harry could’ve been turned into trying to be selfless, like she thought they’d be safe that way, or she returned later fighting with reinforcements to show she was on Hogwarts’ side. jkr is always like "well they technically came back to fight, if you squint » but that’s not enough. also? let’s say we did get a glimpse of her during the actual battle: there could’ve been anything, the smallest scene, that showed some sort of support or reconciliation or something between her and hermione, considering how hermione was often pansy’s target. everybody wants to see forgiveness between draco and harry because of minor events/details (i dislike drarry but that’s besides the point), but imagine what could’ve changed with some semblance of apology or assistance from pansy to hermione. there were so many chances for r*wling to give her a smallest redemption

but instead we got her characterized as evil and a stupid, cowardly traitor. she the only person we ever see her care for marries her friends younger sister. she’s the written depiction of jkr’s bitterness and her arc is jkr’s vengeance.

also, another reason that i’m so mad she got nothing is because of the whole slytherin=evil thing. she’s made into a stereotype of a “slytherin”— cruel, selfish, shallow, ugly, and asinine. (also i could rant about slytherin forever, but can we just mention that jkr consistently refers to slytherins as physically ugly and just how fucked up that is? i– wtf). but anyway: to give pansy a chance to change is to give the slytherin house a chance to change its reputation. trying to justify that the slytherin house got its redemption because of the actions of ppl like snape or regulus, etc isn’t possible. because all of those “slytherin heroes” were described again and again as being “different from all the other slytherins”. they set themselves apart by being decent. they weren’t normal slytherins, no, they were set apart, they were brave and smart and kind— not evil. there’s no redemption to be found there. i wish jkr would just fucking say that being sorted into slytherin was being made into a villain. she dodged around it with rhetorical questions and pointing out how not All of them are bad,, and then will go on to mock the other slytherins and talk about how the heroes were Not Like The Other Snakes... again: there’s no redemption of slytherin as a house, as a quality, as a concept there. it’s just the redemption of an individual.

in pansy, however, we could’ve found so much more. like i said, she’s The Average Slytherin: not a hero, not a villain like voldemort. she’s made out to be a depiction of the typical slytherin student, one without a “destiny”, so to speak. and so to give her the chance, to see her change, to have her redefine herself? that would be a starting point for restoring slytherin as a whole (obviously not the best way, and the real best thing to do would be not to make an entire house be the bad guys in the first place, but–) to have someone who’s the figurehead of slytherin (like actually a figurehead,, girl is a even a prefect) show remorse and growth gives the entire house the seed of redemption. it would mean that after over a thousand years there could be peace between the houses. obviously not the only factor in reconciliation but still so important.

and not to just continue to heap on my own issues with it, but look. i know that there are so many other ways to introduce “mundane” antagonists without making them a symbol of anything. pansy could’ve been a bitch without representing slytherin. also pansy doesn’t have to break character and become kind for amends to be made. they don’t even have to be fully made, just started. but jkr chose to:

a.) go with bullying as a minor antagonistic element

b.) create and develop a character around that theme

c.) make this character only based on her own negative personal experiences

d.) turn that character into a representation of a much larger group of people

e.) deny that character any final moment that could begin to make amends for her actions and instead, chooses to make her “defining” moment an act of evil and cowardice

f.) either neglects the character or chooses plot points that would humiliate the character in all the glimpses of the future we are shown (ex. how dracos marriage is)

g.) openly mocks and insults the character repeatedly and never directly comes out and proves she didn’t write slytherins as evil

h.) to the best of my knowledge, ignores that pansy personifing slytherin, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and then characterizing both as “bad” and not giving them a chance to grow, is a summary of her thoughts on slytherin ls and is a possible interpretation of the text (i mean her opinions are already TRASH)

i. ignores the consequences of this or the possible effect it has on her entire fanbase and doesn’t seek to remedy it

but yeah, jkr, it was such a good idea to base a character off of your loathesone memories, take your anger out on her, and that choose to have that character partially represent a large percentage of your fanbase. thank you sooooo much. i really appreciate it!

summary:

I. Pansy— deserved an opportunity to have some character development. everyone else’s mistakes get overlooked to some degree save hers. had so many places to draw inspiration/opportunity from. could’ve progressed other ideas in the book and the analysis of her house while still remaining a “dislikable” character

II. Writing— from a “technical?” aspect, Pansy is underdeveloped and stagnant, used for personal reasons instead of as a plot device. perpetuates the slytherin=bad idea via a sloppy and repetitive characterization and emblem. there are ways around this that weren’t used.

III. I have no qualifications to be saying any of this lmao. Am I reading to much into it, knowing that Rowling tends to be shitty with writing details? Am I being dramatic and repetitive? probably!

IV. Fuck JKR (for everything. she’s an awful person)

anyways this has been: my mini-rant on pansy and her analysis,,, and i am terribly sorry,, i offer my apologies in advance for randomly dumping this into your inbox. it’s long and opinionated and there’s no real reason behind it! i just thought of it and then thought about it some more and then. here we are

ilysm mwah <3 should’ve definitely done something more productive but shh😭 rat brain hours

this is everything, you're completely right. i don't have much to add but i agree all the way. and people give pansy so much shit for the harry thing but she seemed genuinely scared of voldemort coming back and i really think that she believed he would leave them alone if they gave him up. from her perspective, it's either her and the people she cares about get to live or this guy that she not only isn't close to but probably sees as the bad guy considering she dated/was best friends with draco and witnessed their rivalry from his side. did she make the best decisions? no, not at all but i see her reasons and i don't think it makes her this antichrist that jkr makes her out to be. she pulled the “he's just a boy” with draco and had people sympathise with him when he did so so much worse than pansy did so why doesn't that apply to her? she's a kid. they all are. i love harry, ron, and hermione SO MUCH but jkr really said fuck everyone who isn't them ─ especially any girl who isn't her precious hermione. she projected her own pettiness onto fictional characters who are CHILDREN and proceeded to get upset when people connected to and loved other people that she herself made. creating such an underdeveloped character and expecting people to hate her just because she imagined her as her bully is beyond immature and ridiculous. anyways. jkr take a fucking chill pill and leave my girl alone.

[pyonbinary]

long rant about trans ppl and solidarity

the fact that there’s no real solidarity between conventionally trans ppl and every other person who struggles with gender is really weighing on me lately, cuz like even tho I know now that I’m NB, my transition has been as typical as it gets in this part of the world. but there’s so much infighting everywhere I look, like binary trans men and trans women face a ton of the same shit, but we can’t even have consistent solidarity bcuz we get stuck in our own communities. and then even beyond that there’s the whole dysphoric/non-dysphoric infighting where we literally just want the same thing for slightly different reasons and we have to put up with the same gatekeeping.

and this isn’t even talking about NB people, who a lot of trans people just used to completely reject outright even tho the narrative is starting to change which I’m glad it’s doing cuz y’know I’m one of those people. but then even beyond that we just have every single type of gnc man/woman who often get just completely ignored by trans ppl. like if you’re comfortable being a woman/man in your life in general but can’t survive in a world where you have to perform gender roles your struggle is still fundamentally the same as ours. but since they don’t conveniently fit a narrative of transition as a complete process with a start and an end we can’t support them even tho they’re hurt by the exact same systems and social structures.

and even beyond all this, so many trans ppl just completely ignore detransitioners even tho they a) literally transitioned so they have the same experiences that we do and b) have to go through it a second time (or even a fourth time or even more than that) which it’s never going to get easier to do so it’s not like they don’t need help from ppl. and I’m not saying I’m the perfect most accepting person on the planet like I still have some degree of psychological animosity towards repressors and ppl who treat gender as a form of aesthetic rebellion but I’m examining those tendencies and still 100% willing to give community to people who struggle with dysphoria and don’t want to transition or who just want to use gender for self-expression.

really what I just want to say is that talk to other ppl who have to suffer from gender and don’t just stay in your own sphere cuz the more you do, the more you realize that it’s all the same shit and that realization is powerful. we’re not just individuals trying to fight the one thing that oppresses us, we’re people struggling under the same exact system in different but similar ways.

and y’know what on top of everything it bothers me when ppl just have completely uncritical animosity towards ppl who are suffering from gender and just divert it into transphobia. like I’m not telling you that some butch lesbian with terf beliefs is going to be your friend, but their relationship towards society is way more similar to your experience than a gender conforming cis persons’ would be. even if they don’t support us cuz we “enforce gender roles” or “infiltrate lesbian spaces”, that’s grounds for infinitely more solidarity than a gender conforming transphobe could ever possibly give us. but all that we do as a community is just harass them back cuz we can’t admit that no one is immune from false consciousness and that those tendencies don’t come from a position of privilege. but so much of our energy goes towards criticizing them instead of terfs/other transphobes who actually are in a position of power in society. like I get it it sucks knowing that most cis people don’t like trans people and are not willing to accept us as who we are and it especially hurts if those people are in spaces adjacent to yours, but there’s no need to aggressively go after the ones who would be the most likely to actually support our dignity as humans if they could see that the people oppressing us are the same exact people.

[theharellan]

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. tagged by: stolen from @dansiere tagging: @ghiassan, @deathsreflection, @altuspavus, @windrunnerrs (velanna), @hopewrought, @willbeshot, @seahaloed (iron bull), @asterfed​ (noctis), @ anyone who wants to steal it! also multis feel free to choose a different character

My muse is:   canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated (i’m open to roleplaying with non-dragon age characters, and have AUs for other fandoms)

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. solas is both wildly popular and wildly hated. he’s been more consistently popular than the controversial women in the series, like sera or vivienne, who have only recently begun to get to the point where their tags are less vitriolic (although i’m sure it’s still out there), but there’s still a sizable hatedom that can’t have his name breathed in their vicinity w/o them talking abt how much they hate him. even if you’re currently cosplaying him!

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. again, you have ppl who are super into him and ppl who think he’s ugly. my personal opinion is that i think he’s weirdly pretty, and wish ppl would commit more to his unconventional features rather than try to chisel him into sb more traditionally attractive and that ppl who don’t find him attractive would maybe chill w/ calling him ugly. find him unattractive by all means, but lets embrace the fact that inquisition let their love interests have skin flaws etc and accept that some won’t be our cups of tea.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom?  YES / NO / IDK. its hard to deny at this point tbh.

Are they underrated?  YES / NO / IDK. frustrating as the hate in the tags he has enough fans that i couldnt say he’s underrated w/ a straight face.

Were they relevant for the main story?  YES / NO. he’s the reason the game starts with a bang and not the inevitable dissolution of the conclave b/c the sides are disparate.

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. regardless of solas’ relationship with the inquisitor, there are parallels and contrasts in their stories and he also is the reason they survive inquisition.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. fen’harel is well-known and revered, if feared, among the dalish, yet at the same time he’s not remembered for a lot besides locking the gods away-- and the context of that decision has also been lost. as solas he’s relatively unknown until inquisition and especially trespasser.

How’s their reputation?  GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. again, polarising!! he has loyal agents and people are willing to speak well of him despite everything, including his enemies sometimes (depending mostly on the inquisitor). 

How strictly do you follow canon?  — generally i try to have a canon basis for my interpretation, even if i interpret the text differently than the author.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals.  —  solas is an immortal who is simultaneously jaded and very much invested in the small moments of life. far from being weary of the day-to-day lives of ordinary people, it is systems and orders he is most tired of. he walks an interesting line that feels far less misanthropic than other immortal characters i’ve experienced, yet still he’s quite cynical. as a character who has fought against religious based tyranny before, but in a completely different era, he is in a unique position where what he sees around him is both horrifyingly familiar and yet completely new. it allows an exploration of the wrongs of thedas’ society from an outsider’s perspective. his motivations are complex and multifaceted, often condemnable and yet also understandable. his character arc in inquisition (if befriended, or regardless in the case of my solas) takes him from a dispassionate, disconnected antagonist to someone deeply invested in the people of thedas, deeply conflicted and actively hoping he will be proven wrong again. i think his story is a testament to human (or elven, or dwarven, or-) connection and how even when we resist we can’t resist creating bonds with the people in our lives. i personally see this bond going beyond the inquisitor hence why i play low-approval solas as conflicted as high-approval, if not when it comes to the inquisitor.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?).  —  solas is selfish and motivated solely by revenge, he’s clinging to a past that clearly no longer exists, if you ignore all the people from it who are still alive. he’s totally unaware of all his flaws and never owns up to any mistakes ever. no, i haven’t listened to a single word solas has said in my life why do you ask. he’s also critical of my faves which means he’s #cancelled, there is clearly no validity to what he’s saying. ksjdf no but in all seriousness i think a lot of reasons ppl don’t find solas interesting are just... weird readings of his character that sometimes have no basis in the text of inquisition, but also there are plenty of perfectly valid reasons to not find him interesting. usually those ppl don’t like... talk abt how much they don’t find him interesting constantly tho. they just chill and aren’t invested in this particular villain. for one thing i think the game missed out on opportunities for exploring how someone who may not have even had a body at the beginning of his existence would feel about gender and sexuality, so making him presumably straight and cis was a boring choice. i also think that the dragon age games being very protagonist-centric hurts solas’ character, there’s no real reason why the inquisitor is the only one who can throw his plans into question but making the player the center of the universe means he’s not allowed to change due to the effects of other companions or NPCs. thank god this is rp and i do what i want.

What inspired you to rp your muse?  —  i have a history degree so when the inquisition companions were being teased, solas describing bias in primary sources from the memories he’s seen got me interested in him. but my first playthrough i didn’t actually take him with me all too often, i think my main party was dorian-blackwall-varric. i liked him, and i think he or dorian were my first friends in skyhold, but my initial interest was in other characters. between his dialogue that appealed to the historian in me tho and how his spirit opinions sort of turned everything i’d felt about spirits in the last two games on its head, i started vibing with him more the farther i went in. like merrill set me up for the “spirits are people” thing and solas hit it out of the park. then temple of mythal happened, and i did bring solas with me there. i found his dialogue fascinating and also suspicious, i’d just finished masked empire like the day before da:i came out so i definitely thought solas was an ancient elf in the same vein as felassan. it was after temple of mythal that i actually decided to make his blog, although like as one idk linchpin to cement my status as solas trash... i was hit BAD by the banter bug on my first playthrough, probably got like a dozen banters total. but then at some point late in the game i took solas to the forbidden oasis and he wouldn’t stop talking to people, and i really loved his banter with the rest of my party at the time.

What keeps your inspiration going?  —  replaying inquisition, new DA content when the bioware gods deign to grant us a lifeline, but the biggest thing is my rp partners. i wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the people i write with, new and old. my activity of late hasn’t been the best, work and the summer heat has really been sapping me of energy, and does even during years when we aren’t going through a pandemic. but it’s the thought of my rp partners and love of solas that keeps me coming back.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice?  YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? i have my doubts sometimes, but i think i do ok.

Do you frequently write headcanons?  YES / NO / SORT OF? there is no headcanon too small for me.

Do you sometimes write drabbles?  YES / NO. but not lately * gestures to the low activity * i’ve been in this cycle where i get anxious abt late replies, so prioritise them, then burn myself out and can’t write the fics i want. i’ve had two i’ve been DYING to write tho i just... need to find the space in my brain to let myself.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO. i mean it depends on the day. if i work closing shifts at my store it gets very quiet and boring around 8:30 so i spent the next 90 minutes thinking about character stuff.

Are you confident in your portrayal?  YES / NO / SORT OF? 

Are you confident in your writing?  YES / NO / SOMETIMES. 

Are you a sensitive person?  YES / NO / SORTA.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal?  —  i’m going to say ‘no’ because like, i don’t ask for criticism. this is a hobby based on my interpretation of a character, if you think i write solas too soft then you’re welcome to think that, but i’m happy with the balance i’ve struck with his internal versus external behaviour and how he changes based upon who he’s speaking to. if you think i’m erasing straight people by making solas pan then ksjdfs. ok.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character?  —  yes!!! even if they retread ground already trodden, a) my interpretation may have adjusted since the last time i played or b) a reminder is nice. if it’s new stuff then it’s fun to think about.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why?  —  it’d depend on why they disagree. if they just disagree on a subjective opinion about what i took from a certain line, then they’re welcome to their opinion but i don’t necessarily care to hear it. if it is unintentionally hurtful then i would like to know. although rather than a comment i’d rather a non-anonymous message.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it?  —  same as the above.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it?  —  if they’re vocal about it i typically just unfollow / softblock if i was following in the first place. people can feel how they want about solas, but i’ve found over the years that if people really hate solas ooc it can often bleed into their ic interactions. it’s really weird seeing your character being brought up repeatedly in threads with others specifically to dunk on, for no reason other than i guess solas is living rent free in their heads, so at least we have that in common. but anyway unfollowing is just the best choice to avoid getting kinda pressed if i’m having a bad day.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors?  —  roleplay is the wild west of writing, so i think it’d depend on what the error was. coming at me like “you shouldn’t start a sentence with a preposition” would get a laugh, but i don’t edit my replies much if at all and mistakes will 100% happen. pointing out typos is chill so long as you do it politely.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun?   —  it depends! i’ve learned that being too easy going actually just means i’m subjecting myself to negative emotions to please people. so i’ve gotten less easy going as the years go by. how does one define “easy going” anyway? does asking that question mean i am objectively not easy going? the longer this thought goes on the more the answer seems to be “probably not,” but i like to think it could be a lot worse.

[obeymematches]

**Hi!Could I pls have a ObeyMe match-up?I’m 5’1, female&ISFJ. I see myself as an introvert with extroverted qualities. Bit socially anxious/shy in crowds/meeting several new ppl but good 1 to 1, heart still races but I fake it well. Can get anxious&overwhelmed easily. A bit OCD, especially with cleanliness. Scared of the dark, blood, anything horror but yet intrigued? I love mysteries but let's keep it fictional. Pretty awks and silly, likes to laugh a lot and make others laugh.**

**Talkative, rambly&sassy. Speaks my mind but careful of others' feelings. Emphathetic&good listener. The friend that ppl go 2 for advice. Very loyal to the people I love. Big foodie! Love to eat&cook, will take my partner out to yum eats&cook lots 4 them. Intellectual-studied most of my life&my career is intellectually stimulating. Passionate about improving the quality of life for marginalized communities&always educating myself so I can be self-aware&the best version of myself 4 me&every1.** **I work hard and am career&fam oriented-even if things are busy, fam/loved 1s come 1st!Hobbies are reading, karaoke, show-bingeing, fashion/shopping&playing video games. Likes to be teased by my partner but I wouldn't let them take it 2 far b/c I will tease/sass back. Always make it up after w/ hugs/kisses/gifts. Affectionate, romantic, says I love you often&touchyfeely. I always let my partner know how important&loved they are. I'm crafty&will make a lot of sentimental hand-made gifts.** **I express love w/ words/acts of services too. Basically I give lots in all the 5 love languages lmao-but will attend 2 what my partner needs most. Can be clingy&like to act cutesy w/ partner. Believe in open&consistent communication. I want a loyal partner that will be there for me through tough times&support me through life&I will ofc do the same for them! Someone to listen, love, laugh&enjoy life with. I date if I see potential for a serious relationship. I won't date casually/for fun.** **I do want to get married one day but whether the relationship does/doesn't end there, that's cool! I am Mammon-biased but am open&would love to hear what u think! Phew thx for encouraging long asks, this was so much fun for me to write and I hope it doesn't trouble you and you have a bit of fun writing back too! Pls take all the time you need and take care of yourself. You are priority! Really appreciate this and looking forward to reading it once it's up. Thank you so so much!**

Hii!! 

Oh i’m glad you enjoyed expressing yourself! 

Don’t worry, I take care of myself well <3 

Okay so I was thinking a lot and I had to make a hard decision. You’d be a good match to several characters, including but not limited to Beel, Simeon, Satan and Lucifer. 

But I also see it work out with Mammon! 

Out of the two of you, you are the more socially anxious and the less outgoing, but theres no shame in that. It just balances out the relationship, as Mammon will go out with you on the regular. 

I think he would be surprised to see you fall silent if his brothers are there too, but you seem to be doing fine when it’s just the two of you. He just thinks it’s because he is so great.

Oh he is also a scaredy cat, so this is a very cute couple. Whenever you watch a horror movie Mammon pretends to be chill but really both of you are scared to death. (Levi is going to tease the two of you a lot because of that)

Mammon can handle some sass, so that’s not a turn-off at all! 

He also tends to speak his mind, but he is anything but careful about his words, or at least not until you confront him about that. 

This demon really wants a loyal partner, I mean you are basically his only true friend. The relationship would be like being best friends, siblings, and partners at the same time because of that. 

Well he is not the biggest foodie out there and you hanging out too much with Beel will surely make the greedier one jealous. So make sure he trusts you a lot! 

The fact that you get intellectual stimulation from your job means Mammon isn’t under pressure to keep you stimulated that way. So he makes sure all the other ways are also taken care of ;)

Also he would be really curious about your job. He would probably ask you directly how much you make. 

I think Mammon finds it a cute human thing to always try to improve yourself and become better. He might tease you about that though. 

He appreciates your career-orientedness, I mean you have to make cash, right? 

He might think your job is nothing you’d be able to get in the Devildom though (depends on the worldbuilding we don’t know much about..) so he might be a bit concerned about that. So that is why you need to become a model, thanks for listening to my presentation!

I think you share many similar hobbies, which is a good bonus! Going to karaoke together is always fun, right? he might not be too keen on joining you on your shopping tour, but it’s not like he would let you go with just Asmo. again, jealousy is something to talk about. 

His love language definitely includes gifts, so that’s also good! But you said you can adapt to your partners needs, which is why you’d be good with many. Aslo it’s good it’s handmade with sentimental attachment, thats not very easy to sell so he probably wouldn’t. (but watch out for that)

I think Mammon loves to hear that he is a good boy. 

He’s the best candidate to be cutesy and clingy with, and it’s nice that it’s not a turn off for you. This is the couple that is glued by the hips 24/7. 

As I elborated before, Mammon is going to be your best friend for life, you can trust him to support you though anything, even if it seems stupid for everyone else. On that note, hopefully you are prepared to support his ideas! I mean they are silly, most of the time, but they also work. 

Hmmm I think Mammon shouldn’t have too much trouble to commit to you, I mean he is as clingy as one can get and he also has jealousy issues. You might feel like you are married even before the actual proposal - but I mean it in a good way! 

Theres not many conflicts that could arise in this relationship, but you are skilled enough to communicate your needs and wants properly, and Mammon might not get it right the first time - but he is not going to stop until he steals your heart! 

[lexiconcatalog]

Stutofen shit under the cut (my headcanons and such, I’ll probably repost this to add more if I come up w/ anything more!)

Regarding “Blood Donor Edward”/Edward 2.0:

Samuel keeps Edward up often with his theorizing bullshit and feels bad about it so he usually makes Edward a cup of coffee in the morning. 

Edward tries to convince Samuel to eat healthier because his entire diet consists of 9 pounds of cheese, two bottles of beer and misc junk food he orders like mcdonalds fries a day (Samuel eventually complies a bit, and Edward takes him out to Olive Garden where Samuel later again kept Ed up over about how the breadsticks there are actually extradimensional and/or created by the government to make everyone eat more carbs bc obivously CARBS are something the Government wants to shove down ur gullet) 

Samuel writes a lot of "remember this" notes but forgets where he puts the notes (he shoves them in a drawer) so Ed takes them and puts them where they should be (like, "remember to take ur car keys" Ed would put it on the counter in the kitchen or smth) and Samuel would do the same for Edward by making sticky notes and sticking them onto like Ed's notebook ("remember to bring me more notebook paper I'm running out ... ily!!")  

Samuel can and will spoil Edward but in bizarre ways because he's convinced that most holidays are government propaganda and so therefore he celebrates Valentine's day at like 2am in the morning in the blink middle of Summer. This often surprises Ed but hey whatever, he's being showered in fuckin' chocolates  

Samuel can't cook and orders take out, so for the sake of being able to give themselves proper nutrients to survive, Edward took some cooking classes (though he didn't tell Samuel b/c Samuel would say that those cooking classes might brain wash you or some shit) 

 Edward refuses to let Samuel drive his car because Samuel doesn't remember where places are and/or turns on the GPS and puts it all sorts of fucked and he literally just follows whatever it says like if they're on a bridge and the exit is in a mile but it says "turn left" you might as well cease and decease bc Samuel has caused a car accident 

Edward works in his own little workroom and has grueling hours of study and planning and shit and often times forgets to get food, so Samuel would come in with a whole ass bag of mcdonalds he orders from uber eats and drop it in front of him and just smooch him and let him be -However whenever SAMUEL'S working on something he always shoves it at Edward like the super proud dumbass he is just "Hey look what I found out" and Edward would lowkey gush over how his bf is so happy about how he cracked down that the government has been destroying popular people 

Edward knows a secret to get Samuel to stfu and sleep: he hums or sings quietly to Samuel and he just mcfucking dies

Samuel buys matching shirts, stupid phrases that only he and Edward would get. Like they'd probably have two shirts that say "Hambone" and "Boneless ham" and it's so stupid but Samuel loses his fuckinfshit over it so Edward would wear it w/ him what a dumb meme man 

Speaking of memes Edward has a collection of wholesome memes and sends them to Samuel when Samuel is having a moment while Samuel would literally go grab their dog(s) and bring them to Edward when hes upset ([RICHTOFEN]: I thought Takeo was taking care of ze dogs- [STUHLINGER]: you sounded sad so I brought them all to fuck shit up)

Edward cries internally because their house is a fucking mess. 

 Samuel never takes off his glasses unless Edward tells him to and he will literally sleep with them on often times and this is most likely why he fucking breaks them a lot + Edward bought Samuel a little nightlight that glows w/ little stars in the room so Samuel's dumbass doesn’t panic in the middle of the night bc of lack of glasses + darkness

Edward makes scrapbooks of all his friends and ppl he cares for but for Samuel he just sketches him and uses scrap Polaroids of his bf, it makes him smile & Samuel has no clue he has it! Edward is saving the reveal for a very rainy day SPEAKING OF RAINY DAYS... 

if it's a calm rainy day they'll just sit near a window and chat while they relax and drink and just :') + if it thunders or there is lightning Samuel panics and Edward goes over to just.. hug... just comfort him bless. 

Samuel owns a parrot named Frisbo and it copies Samuel pretty well. This makes Edward lowkey on edge bc itll be like 4am, hes trying to sleep and suddenly hears laughter but his bf is at the desk working on a new conspiracy so he "??????"

Regarding Announcer Richtofen:

Ed could actually see through Samuel's eyes and will constantly tell him to turn or grab things, like if Ed wants Samuel to do an easter egg he'd just "Sam. Sam. Sammy. Sammy. HEY! LEFT YOU DUMBASS. Ha. You got it. ooh.. okay." and it was annoying at first but Samuel now is just like "okay tell me where to doc" 

 Samuel gets lonely when Ed doesn't talk to him bc sure he and Russman are friends but Russman isn't gonna sit down and have somewhat of a heart-to-heart talk. Ed just listens (and most likely pays attention to something else.. but it makes Samuel feel so valid so) 

 Samuel is genuinely curious about Ed and will ask trivia like "What's your favorite color" and Ed at first would answer the simple ones but at this point it's become: [STUHLINGER]: So, have you ever kissed someone? [RICHTOFEN]: ...und whose asking???it's a bit one sided w/ announcer but I feel like.. Samuel would appreciate any sort of human contact?????? or social interaction? especially if they actually listen to him. 

Announcer Richtofen probably could manifest in Stu's dreams, but Stu wouldn't remember much the next day..

 If Samuel ignores him for too long all you hear in the back of his head is "Stu. Stu. Stu. Stu. Stu. Stu-" until Samuel just "hhHHHHhh" 

 Edward would reference people hes known vaguely and vent on occasion with Samuel but it would be so fuckin random, out of the blue and vague like "I cannot stand that America sometimes!" and Stu would just "...w..who???" 

[unproduciblesmackdown]

@uberoll-oystercrackers late night (early morning?) posting here but this is super nice ty and also again retroactively thank you additionally for all the long replies & kind tags you give

like really yeah it’s like, on the one hand, it’s fairly sucky having to have this thing where im always jumping the gun on considering someone Maybe An Friend and then having to remind myself / be reminded of the fact that like no probably not, which is true and yet sucks, which is just how some stuff is!! like sometimes stuff just is Not Good and is not ever going to Not Hurt, despite the fact you can kinda get better at living with it. and like this one isnt a huge deal even tho the larger problem of when ur like, lonely &/or isolated is kind of a whole real deal……

like it’s strange having these contradictory problems with it…..like, Being Myself has never really just been something i can Naturally do, so even just trying to be nice is like oh lord am i being ~manipulative~, and im always too prone to treat interactions like ive got to placate the other person, and then also just like….not having amazing social skills anyways in the sense that i know a lot of times i come across ~off~ to people and can’t really do a lot about that, but also, i feel like i’m always overcompensating for like, enthusiasm and just the fact i like to Get Silly and maybe i’ll act too cool~n~collected or come off like im trying to be all Smart and Smarmy and like jeez no……it doesnt help that when i was younger i generally preferred interacting with adults and so probably was trying to come across as clever and when i was wanting someone to like me i’d be real nervous and try to go too hard in seeming the opposite lol……oh the legacy of the time i found out my mom’s childhood friend who was funny and cool to us thought i was bookish (true) but like also snobby or something lmao like ah jeez i probably made too many sarcastic jokes about things….but oh well i was just like 10-ish at the time.

anyways tho i feel like that still kicks in and when i get the sense someone is cool and it’d be cool if they thought i was cool too i’m like Well So Then i gotta PLAY it cool!! and then like oh no am i coming across as a jerk? or an trying-to-be-an-intellectual?? i always have a lot of thoughts and i do go off when its like, also tied in to Opinions of mine, so im like, oh no am i coming across as trying to tell someone i think they should think exactly this?? or if i try to Be Witty and Tell Jokes are they just coming off as snarky b/c i hope not especially since a lot of times my actual Lighthearted Snark gets read as “i hate this and think its dumb af” lol. ahhhh i just do not know!! like, i wanna sort of dial back my Warmth b/c i can get enthused fast and i have a tendency to get too attached to ppl too fast, which really only sucks for me, but still!! yet i dont wanna rein it in too much and try to overcompensate and come off like im Eternally Unimpressed and don’t really care and etc etc and just…..idk its wild it’s hard to tell how i may be socializing awkwardly lmao ahhh….and on top of it all, i manage to be godawful at realizing when other ppl actually like me. like, that sort of sounds like The Opposite but i guess its just more of that problem of thinking that im going to always bother people….a lot of times it takes me like, months or a year (or two or three) to realize that someone who willingly interacts w me during that time probably does genuinely like me and is maybe a friend. wrow

uhhhh anyways lord that was all just. tangentially related. im Tangents

UH more to the point!!!! the good news is that yeah i don’t have to think “oh we’re totally real bffs” about anyone to really enjoy and appreciate Our Interactions…..and like i do have real appreciation and gratitude for basically all nice attention lol like, if a single reblog of smthing has kind comments, if someone cool just Likes a few posts, talking on occasion or like, ever at all. cuz for real The Little Stuff has always been a really good thing for years now, especially since there’s been plenty of times i havent really had anything happening In Person that was like….good interactions or ppl who were able to hear my actual thoughts and feelings about whatever and still be interested in interacting with me. cuz in terms of not being isolated and in what i find it easy to talk about and how, Online Interactions have been genuinely important and impactful in a positive way for like a solid decade now since i was able to be consistently Online and have my own accounts and stuff in the first place

so like yeah totally i really do appreciate stuff like that. i think its pretty incredible whenever anybody just like, thinks of me, and likes me. having None Of That Feeling is supremely trash and i so appreciate that i don’t have to feel like there’s nothing and that nobody out there in the world is aware of me, and yet i don’t need it to be that like, anyone is Constantly aware of me and like, intensely invested, cuz that’s just not how it goes lol and even kinda meaning a little bit to someone and having my tiny presence in their life be a positive one is a great thought and i really do appreciate it. Unfortunately for like….my entire life, The Contempt Of Others has been a consistent #thing i’m dealing with and it’s not great!! like yeah fortunately ive had the “felt so bad about myself that it eventually circled back around and now self loathing isnt too much of an issue for me” thing, but it still sucks experiencing it lol…..having any testimonials that like, whatever shit im talking about @ myself is fun to read, or i seem okay, or its fun to talk, etc etc, like thats fantastic really

and the kinds of leaf thoughts too, yeah, that kind of thing is nice to know too lol. i was hoping you were ok like, ten hours before i saw you posting again lol…..we’re out here……..

like yeah ldmbgglh whatever my weird problems are with being overexcited abt any Potential Friendship, and also being bad at realizing if people do like me, and also just being Weird and not great at talking, and overcompensating for whatever and maybe coming across too Coldly when rly im a fiery dumbass, wanting friends but also wanting not to be burned by getting ahead of things and being reminded that most ppl aren’t like, as starved for even just friendly interactions……..i’m better at navigating and handling it in some ways but c’est a m’ess!!! aaaggbfg

really what im trying to say is i do appreciate that sort of thing a lot yeah. i could very well Not be thought of by anybody and that would suck and the fact that i get to know that i am is a really great thing. maybe i couldve said this all better last night cuz i was kinda in my feelings abt Life a little but then also it was in a sort of déspresso way so, maybe this is okay lol….

also i worry i don’t express affection and appreciation enough!!! it’s not that i’m like Oh i don’t want to Commit to Being Friends ew…..it’s that i don’t wanna be the one pressuring someone else into being like uh oh i have to play up being invested in milo!! but then maybe my playing-it-cool just makes other ppl do the same thing or think i don’t care or something. like oh i appreciate this person a ton and think they’re great and they’ve been kind to me but if we only talk so often and obviously im not There for them and involved in their life in the way a ~real friend~ would be, maybe it would just ring hollow to say i love them, for example. lord lol……. it’s all “oh don’t dial down your kindness and affection” and yet also “but don’t wanna inadvertently push other people or Be Weird or get myself invested in something where i don’t mean as much to the other person not cuz they suck but because like, of course im just a fun internet acquaintance, which is fine!!” ahhhhhh the challenges. anyways!!!!!!!

the point is well i do like ppl yeah and i really appreciate ppl liking me. every now and then they do it online or even in person and thats just a Joy and i wish things were more secure!!! i also have to not even necessarily want ppl to get invested in me in case things go to shit too soon or whatever and it doesnt help that ~being open~ means talking abt depressingass stuff sometimes that like, i don’t mind being open about, but i also don’t want to put on other ppl. which, sidenote on that, im feeling relatively alright all these recent months even if im not technically thriving; it’s okay. it’s a hot mess! but that’s just How It Is sometimes!! it’s what it is. and ive had support from ppl in big and small ways that i know i could have had to go without and all the ways ppl are nice to me count for a whole lot and i have appreciated it, and do appreciate it, and will continue to appreciate it.

tldr 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

[mika-shion]

My grammar sucks but f*ck you, I'm tired, ignorant, and fed up with life...

Kinda feel like I'm disappointing ppl.... Letting friends n stuff down

Since HS I've been in this mindset + routine(sorta) of talking to my friends online

E V E R Y D A Y

But having actual important shit to do now, along with many more obligations than I had back then, I just can't. Either due to energy, unexpected changes in my schedule, or simply just not enough time in the day/week/ w/e.

Some ppl might say "learn to manage your time then, and go to bed on time", to which I reply - No shit.

Srsly though, that's on the list for shit I need to do, it's just a rough process that I (ironically) can't find the time for.... Though I'm still trying my damnedest.

But then there's the fact that I a) don't have a job (and therefore:) b) am at home a lot (which, to my family means:) c) I'm obligated to do every minute thing I can to help out around the house. Ofc it'd help if everyone else was helping a bit too- y'know, okay;

My family get the same reprimands from my mom for not doing shit around the house (cleaning uo garbage, doing their dishes.... Think that's about it) and still do nothing about it... I mean occasionally my sisters will get off their asses and do smth productive (mostly my little sister cuz my older sister is either working, sleeping, or not home), but not nearly enough to make up for the mess they make.

My "dad" (quotations cuz he's a lazy, inconsiderate, worthless, slobby, waste-of-space cunt) doesn't do anything but rarely wash his own dishes. Thinking cuz he pays barely half the rent (and no other bills that I know of. At least not consistently), that that's more than enough to make up for the LITERAL YEARS OF NEGLECT, THEFT, HARDSHIPS AND NEAR HOMELESSNESS HE'S PUT US THROUGH.

Honest to fucking GOD, there's no conceivable, realistic way I can think of that we could've survived these past several years w/o my mom being as determined as she was and the little bits and pieces of help she's received from some of her family.

(Okay completely different story, getting side-tracked)

My point is - I can't keep up. I mean I'm fumbling through legal, financial, and often my own paranoid bullshit - desperately trying to get my feet off the ground for like... 2 seconds.

AND BECAUSE Of all this bullshit I'm expected to keep up with on a daily basis, I can't work through my own personal demons to get that process started.

i.e. showering consistently (horrifying and gross, believe me - I k n o w), keeping my room clean and organized(so that merely existing in it doesn't cause anxiety and unease), going to bed, waking up and moving around at decent fucking hours(again though, working on it), socializing on a daily basis, finding a job, LEARNING HOW TO FIND A JOB, LEARNING HOW TO BE A GOD DAMNED ADULT

O N M Y O W N.

I mean... You know the list goes on...

I just can't keep up... The world shouldn't be like this... and that fragment of what vaguely resembles child-like wonder and hope is the only fucking thing keeping me afloat these days. It's killing me...

I've said it before, but I used to be so hopeful, happy, cheerful, optimistic, etc.

Now, thanks to negative remarks, hate, hopelessness surrounding me on all sides constantly.

Yknow - L I F E.

I've become a cynical, hateful, angry little bitch who can't even raise her upper lip without getting negative or swearing in some way.

On top of that - I wasn't taught what I needed, or likely wasn't taught right, in order to live on my own and.... Yknow... Thrive?

....I know only like... 3 people max might take the time to read this whole mess (to those 3, tysvm) so I don't expect any of what I said to mean a damn thing to much of anyone.

But if anyone who is in someway affected by my problems + what I'm dealing with/ I wrote here.. To you guys:

· I'm tired

· I'm trying

· I miss you

· I love you and

· I'm sorry...

Anyway... Done screaming into the void. Have a beautiful night everyone!

Pleasant Dreams!~✨💕🌙💫🌸

[pixiechick]

( mort here btw i wont be using this blog Much until around february or after but just a heads up for how this blog is gonna work since its gonna be a little different from my other ones!!!! since some friends followed bc i was messing around w kayden )

SO! not negative in any way but a disclaimer about this blog! im not often open about it but i have a dissociative disorder as a result of childhood trauma. the Old, Out Dated, and like, Not Really Good term for disorders like these is ‘multiple personality disorder’, to give unaware people an idea on what im talking about. i am technically diagnosed with DID (dissociative identity disorder) but it was from a psychiatrist i only saw once and wont be able to see again, so i usually refer to my disorder as OSDD (other specified dissociative disorder) instead, which is sort of like DID Lite, and often used for people with symptoms of DID but who dont fit the criteria 100%. i use this term instead of technically having the DID diagnosis, because amnesia between “personality” switches is somewhat common with DID from what i know, and i do not experience that as severely as some other people i know who also have DID, so im not comfortable using “DID” to describe myself until i see another psychiatrist that i will be able to meet with for more than one session

im coming out about this because i will be co-running this blog with my alter, Lesley. (an ‘alter’ is what we in the OSDD/DID community refer to our ‘other personalities’ as, since they are essentially their own, individual people who just happen to share the same brain/body. les is not really me, and vice versa.) she’s wanted to write coco for quite a long time now, but we realised it was going to be hard to do so without people going “mort is that you?” so after some thought, we’ve decided it would just be best to come out about our disorder and co-run the blog, so she can write most of the dialogue, and i can write most of the Non dialogue, since she’s not as good at that.

i understand that this is likely rly confusing!!! so for all ooc posts we’ll be using alternate faceclaims so people can differentiate us, and we’ll try to sign off ooc tags/posts/DMs with “M” for mort or ���L” for les. our ooc typing styles and tones are a lot different as well, but i know not everyone can pick up on that so we’re going to try to make it as clear as possible who is who and i hope everyone will be patient with us and willing to deal with the confusion. i’ll try to stick to using meowth as my faceclaim, and les will try to stick with using pikachu (she LOVES pikachu). im gonna put a little divider here now and let let finish up this post-

============================================================================================================================

fuckin hell took us way 2 long 2 rember where th fuk my pikachu icons wer saved. me or mort’ll make em nicer later probs but w/e 4 now. so heyyyy we thot itd b a good idea 2 let me introduce myself @ th end of here so ppl can get 2 kno me a lil or smth i guess. im lesley, i prefer th nickname les (pronounced less, but if u pronounce it lez insted thats also chill). i use she/they pronouns, eithers good. we’ll try 2 like? make an actual page abt this shit once th blogs up n runnin normally but hopefully this mess works 4 now lmao.

SO ill b writing/helping with most of th dialogue 4 coco since shes a bitch jst like me. but if our portrayal dont seem consistant all th time its probs cuz we’re 2 peeps runnin a single blog.

so abt me i am like. KIND OF MEAN LOL? like i aint nice nd im kiiiinda petty? so ill PROBS leave most of th talking 2 people 2 mort but ill def occasionally tlk 2 pals in tags or make ooc posts or w/e. jst rly wanna stress tht mort and i are really different ppl so plz plz if u see Me talking and go ‘‘wow what an asshole i hate this chic’‘ that is 100% chill just pls dont take it out on mort ykno?

u can ask 4 my personal carrd/tumblr or our system carrd (a system is wat peeps like us call peeps like us. since we’r like a collective) privately if u want 2 know more but plz dont b offended if we dont give it 2 u rite away cuz while like IM fine w sharin anything abt me it also has som more Personal info on mort that he isnt as public with SO yeah

is that it? i think thats it. peace. we’r gonna play some pokego cuz we caught A SHIT TON OF PIKACHUS WHILE WE WER OUT FUCK YEA FUCK YEA gotta check n see which we’r keepin n stuff aaaaand then morts gonna try 2 do some neku and/or rhyme replies but we mite fuck around on here a little tn 2

SORRY 4 TH LITERAL FUCKIN ESSAY ON OUR MENTAL ILLNESS

[identitycris1s]

im back

hi just thought id pop in with a status update! maybe i’ll break this down into categories. feel like im doing an email update (ew!) but this rly is probs the best way to structure this post...

work / school (?)

work has been....aite. idk what to say. idk if i have unrealistic expectations of what work is supposed to be, but the idealist in me thinks its wrong to not even try and find something that seems meaningful / is deeply fulfilling. i think im mature enough to get that work isnt supposed to be fun / exciting every single day but bro this daily grind / sense of dread / utter disinterest / feeling of futility / frustration / disenchantment surely isnt the correct state of affairs.....at least let me try and find something that is a better fit, thats more stimulating, that feels more NATURAL to me? i just dont think im cut out to be a lawyer. sure i sometimes like arguing and making my point and i like that everyone i work with is smart and interesting and generally kind and reasonable and i like the prestige of the job and feeling like ppl respect me and i like the decent pay and the humane hours but.....i feel unmotivated to be a good lawyer. i think i find it difficult / disingenuous to always 100% get behind my client and advocate for their best interests. i tend to see things from a zoomed out perspective, like WHY are we fighting, WHY cant we just settle, WHY are the claimants pursuing this absolutely crap and unmeritorious claim and WHY do we have to defend it when its stupid and bound to fail (cos access2justice i guess but still, WHY), WHY cant we just hash things out in a meeting instead of sending emails here and there and wasting time, WHY do we have to answer stupid questions, WHY WHY WHY

and i think public policy is sort of an answer to that....i think theres more questioning of why we do things and why a policy will or will not work, in a macro sense - what is good for society at large. whereas in law (at least in litigation) its how can we just move this case forward and help the client, which is often not the most productive thing to do in a macro sense - very much a zero sum game. i get that shitty / unmeritorious claims still need to be defended against and someone has to do it and I GET IT but i just dont think i want to be that person defending these claims...or bringing them for that matter.....ultimately i cant fully / sincerely separate the overarching sense of futility from the duty to do a good job.

sigh. well at least ive kind of figured out this isnt for me. which is scary cos being a lawyer in this firm is pretty much a career for life - truly an iron rice bowl, i could probably make partner in maybe 4 or 5 years and live a comfortable upper middle class life...but i cant bring myself to do that. i cant bring myself to not give myself a shot at doing something i actually find interesting, stimulating and that i care about deeply. call me crazy! we’ll see where this brings me in 5 years’ time....:) 

anyway most ppl at work (at least in my team) know that im most likely gonna leave soon. i rly only told 2 ppl (my boss cos he had to sign off on my testimonial and G cos she was quitting anyway)...but somehow ppl found out one way or another. i dont rly mind and ppl have been taking it pretty well and have been kind and encouraging (i guess why would they not take it well, im hardly indispensable) but i get a bit antsy thinking - what if i dont get in...then what? do i just put my head down and continue here (BUT IM SO SAD) or do i just quit without any prospects and try to find a policy-ish job??

idk. will have faith that God will put me where I need to be. he is in control of it all and I BELIEVE THIS !!! I am just a bit scared that his plan is different from what i  think i want....but this is just my human instinct and i know in my head that there is no reason to be scared cos his plan is always the better one. head knowledge just needs to translate to heart understanding and real trust / faith.

ermmm relationships...???

i started using...cmb...idk why i find this so cringey. i guess about a year ago i couldnt imagine doing this and i kept thinking EW what if ppl i know see me and they think im a desperate saddo who cant find a bf irl and has to resort to an app EW shes so lame and ugly and gross. and i realised that is so stupid no one actually thinks that way and its very backward and dumb and insecure of me to be thinking that. and anyway as i get older i rly dont quite give a shit what ppl think of me (at least i tell myself that....)

i suppose i was also inspired by csm who has been quite actively using apps and meeting ppl and taking real..strides..(LOL) in her dating life. i used to tell myself hey God will provide u with a mans if he wants u to be with a mans. but also God can use an app to do that...and if i dont step out in faith that he will do something and i dont take any action at all, how is God gonna work?? should i sit at home and expect a man to fall into my lap??

for some ppl it has been way easier, e.g. my parents meeting in uni and falling i love. i always wanted that - the organic relationship, the meet-cute, the friends to lovers thing. (i guess i tried that last one before and it didnt work...) but i think theres no point in romanticising relationships anymore. thats a very modern thing to do and its not necessarily a good thing? like who’s to say a relationship that had organic beginnings is intrinsically better than one that started from an app?

anyway i havent had much luck haha i think its hard to find genuine GCBs (or maybe theyre just not attracted to me....) although recently ive been talking to this one guy B for a week or two and its been...ok i guess. hes rly nice and seemed cool at first - we talked about travelling and hamilton and the office, which was a good start. he is thoughtful and kind and doesnt seem to be put off by my very slow replies (he replies so fast......its stressful a bit) and he does the whole good morning text thing (which i frankly find a bit bizarre, we barely know each other..?? and ive never even met him irl.. but its sweet i guess :))

but DUDE his english seems to be not great - at least thats the impression i get from texting him. which is an issue for me. i dont want it to be BUT IT IS...first red flag was when he said some weird thing about not wanting to wear a mask at work (not a literal mask - like he didnt know if he could be his ‘true self’) and the wording was very strange. then he said “the weekends are almost here” ?? the weekend is not a plural though? then he used the wrong tense a few times and his apostrophe usage was wrong (”Gods’ love” - bro there is one God). he also uses way too many commas which irks me.

i mean i get that text is supposed to be an informal medium - come on look at this post, there r hardly any capital letters and plenty of short forms and hardly any apostrophes but u see its CONSISTENT and its obviously cos of laziness / convenience - but i think his problem is a bit different...u can sort of tell if someone doesnt have a 100% strong grasp of english. those r basic grammar mistakes man...i get that i sound petty and stupid and this isnt a huge deal but i feel like im settling by even talking to him cos this is not something i wld normally tolerate but hey maybe im getting desperate with age :(:(:( urgh 

on the other hand maybe i just need to be more generous with ppl and l have an irrationally high standard for english cos i am a lawyer and my friends all speak well / text well?? maybe im just being too nitpicky?? honestly hes very nice  and communicative and straightforward and seems mature and very God-fearing and idk why hes still talking to me cos ive been a bit cold and slow to respond. hes very patient which i dont rly deserve.....i myself have a million flaws that are probably way worse and egregious (ahem PRIDE...ahem ego....ie the source of this dilemma in the first place...) so maybe i should just close one eye abt the bad grammar.

i also realised how fked up i am - confirmed my suspicion that i am naturally attracted to emotionally unavailable ppl / ppl that just seem distant / out of reach (thats my avoidant attachment style right there). i think there was one day he didnt text me at all and omg...i couldnt stop thinking what i did wrong...like did i piss him off by being too cold for too long...did he get scared off cos i said i wanted to do a masters (idk this seemed like an irrational leap but i was being irrational)..then i started being nicer to him and replied more promptly hahaha turns out he was just rly bz at work that day. omg this pattern is real i think i did this with xj also - was eager to speak when he was in japan but after meeting irll i was just over it... (i am drawn to distance like a moth to a flame and i am repelled by availability like....a fire by a fire extinguisher (??)). yucks i rly hate myself sometimes but yknow what at least im self aware and im trying to fix this...kind of.. gonna hash this avoidant thing out with my therapist at the next sesh.

on the topic of xj i got a bit nostalgic and wondered why we stopped speaking (surprise surprise it was my fault, didnt reply then felt it had been left to long to pick it up again...) went back to look at our texts and aw we rly got along so well, i do miss him as a friend and im sorry about how poorly i treated him especially in dec 2018 / jan 2019 sigh.....i was a real bitch....

anyway im just gonna see how things go with B... if he asks me out i prob will go... just to give it a shot. update if / when that happens!

EDIT - he asked me out lol we shall see how it goes. 

[thesanguinecrow]

I haven't really seen any of your personal posts but I am curious and would like to know, if it isn't any trouble

it isnt trouble im just glad someones interested bc i usually feel rly annoying this will get to the song point i promise but here goes tldr at the bottom. so it all started when my friend who i had only met a few months ago went out of his way to talk to me bc like we were relatively far appart. we were going to first period and he yells to me “get to class rose!” and i jokingly flip him off then he yells back “mines bigger” and we go on our ways. i hadent given it much thought at the time but now i see it as just the start of him trying to get closer to me. after that there wasnt much more conversation. then one day after school has ended he snapchats me out of no where and im like ?? ok and we start talking and hes sharing his antics and im just in amazement bc my life is pretty boring n he’s out here stayin in vegas alone (oh btw im gonna be a high school senior and hes gonna be a sophmore im a lil uncomf. with our grade gap but im not actually sure of his age but ik its not more than 2 years n age smooths out with time and im not interested in doing anything sexual atm even kissing would be rly pushing it) anyway be tells me a personal detail about himself ide rather not disclose but shows hes comfortable opening up to me. we sent eachother back and forth snaps of us making funny smooshed faces and stuff like that like i trust you not to screenshot and post this everywhere kinda face. soon after that wich was around the fourth of july he went off to camp and didn’t have his phone. i didn’t know he didn’t have/couldn’t use it and this whole time I’m freaking tf out and im here thinking OH MAH LORD WHAT IF HE DIED and internally sobbed. then after being sent home bc he broke his hand he gets back on sc and im like I THOUGHT YOU DIED ARE YOU OKAY!!!????!!?!?! and ever since then it’s been wishy washy bc he wouldn’t go on snapchat for hours and ik bc he has his location turned on on the map and it wasnt there. hes told me he doesnt have his phone which i regret not asking why but i assume his mom takes it or somrthing like oh its bad to be on it 24/7 somethin like that. hes also sent me pics of his torso but these increased post camp. he even sent one and captioned it “i felt hot in this one” and another 2 focusing on his mucles (hes not the most muscular but its noticeable hes got some) i think on sunday he was on and i sent a snap of me with my hair tied up in the front like a unicorn horn and my hair is like 6 and a half inches (17 cm) so its sticking up adding to the horn effect. then he sends me a snap back saying “well im single” and im like “me too” and hes just like *sigh* if only there was something i could do about it kinda sigh and im like “hey wanna hang at the beach wednesday anf hes like yeah but we never set a time before he didnt have his phone and all day wednesday me all shaved up (bc dysphoria and falling to societal beauty standards plus i wanted to wear my white short shorts with out my jungle creepin out mah butt cheecks and upper thighs lowkey mad i cant figue out how to tuck but i was gonna deal and do my best) i got my brows did my skin was doin ok and he wasnt on all day and i had a limited time frame to hang bc the beach is relatively far from where i live andi cant drive or have a car or get a ride and my mom doesnt trust me in uber or public transportation and idek bus schedules or how that works so i had to go with my mom to her job to then go to the beach bc they’re close to eachother but no meeting time set we dont hang i slowly steep into a pitty party and im like ok mood is sad woe is me then today i decide to stay home and seep into this poison of negativity and he snaps me if i wanna go to the mall and im here ready to throw myself of a cliff while on fire bc i had gone with my mom every day but today and im like well f*ck sh*t im so deeply upset and saw the potential to hang today and i feel so at fault for staying home the one day we could hang and nope. i hate having these feelings bc i have reason to believe he likes me and bc of that i ended up liking him back and it irritates me that we cant have consistent conversation and its just like when ever he happens to have his phone. i dont like when i catch feelings, form a crush, become infatuated and i say infatuated bc ik its not something as deep as love i dont know much about him but i do care for him. he blacked out bc of his diabetes and i was really concerned for him and i honestly feel like the mom friend sometimes. but i just want to get to know him and see if it leads beyond infatuation. whenever i get infatuated its often hard core and i have vivid images of us at the beach but also not. like its just me alone no boardwalk no docks no pier just me ocean sa d and sun. i dont like feeling so out of controll its overwhelming and suffocating. i like to believe im a hard cold b*tch whos in controll of my emotions but im not. i can be apathetic but romance just stikes me to my core and i hate it that my feelings always feel or are one sided like ik no one is obligated to like me back but it seems like he does like me. i dont care but do care, deeply, at the same time its a mess and i hate having these negative feelings its like poison in my soul its heavy and petrifying. my tarot readings have been discouraging but my pendulum readings have said he likes me (i havent done a pendulum in the past few days but it still seems like he does) idk i guess im clingy and i feel like i annoy ppl a lot and with the song cut to the feeling its like cut to the feeling i wanna play where you play with the angles i wanna wake up with you all in tangles no more hesitation this is on not in order but you get the picture i didnt really pay much attention to the lyrics bc i think its a great sounding song as with most of my music but then i started to sing (terribly) and learn the lyrics and i wanna be in a relationship but when i think about it and im put in the situation it could happen i panic like suddendly everything is moving so fast and sometimes i even start trembling and shaking and i dont wanna rush into things so fast but i still love the song but now all i can think about is this whole situation and the song only presses it. i asked him how he feels about me and im waiting for a response. idk im just not feelin too good and this is really bringin me down and i could get over it and be done or at least i believe i could but i dont want to.. anyway yeah the song is pressing these sore spots in my emotional mess and its makin me sad sorry this is so long but im glad someone cared to hear

TLDR: im an emotional mess bc i cant talk to my crush often and had missed and failed chances to hang out. i wanna see where things go but not rush into things and cut to the feeling is a good song but its poking at these tender feelings.

[annnmoody]

brah..I literally switched from presenting as femme to more butch because of feeling so consistently ignored and invalidated in my identity (by both straight / queer ppl). I knoW its so much easier and safer to b femme like I'm first to admit I never faced explicit homophobia but honestly just from personal experience it's horrible to feel totally invisible, not b taken seriously.. sorry but it just makes me angry when ppl say femmes have it easy, they have it easier but its not fucking easy !!!

I deleted the original post but the image specifically listed femmes as a supported identity but not butch…if you want to talk about invisibility there’s evidence right there that butch women are often overlooked and neglected by allies. I mean, I get what you’re trying to say, I present as femme but I’ve literally never experienced discrimination and typically the more feminine I present the more swipes I get on tinder and the more compliments I get from my gay friends so that’s the tea…

[mogamifucker666]

EDIT/UPDATE: i added stuff from the reblog i and put this huge thing under a readmore

i’m stuck on mobile 4 now so some Quick Thoughts on the shishou swap au (watch me get sucked into writing this aaaaaa)(update: i got rlly sucked into writing this)

- Shigeo comes to the office during Mogami’s mom’s final weeks/months - having Shigeo around after her death keeps Mogami from going into his comPlete Downward Spiral (…… somehow.. idk how but Somehow Probably??????) - so he’s.. very attached to Shigeo (i’m into this timeline where Mogam’s mom dies before the narrative starts bc Mogami would have gone through that state of all-consuming hatred and resentment for humanity and moved onto something.. not quite as extreme. he’s still bitter and angry and wants revenge but he’s not Completely Out Of Control and also has Shieo to think about. Additionally because i like idea that Mogam drops his TV thing, no point anymore, supporting himself isn’t an issue compared to hospital bills, but he still works consulting ppl. could also b interesting how he reacts to ppl bringing it up afterwards. not to mention working with the underground would b less of an issue once he’s out of the spotlight

!!!!fast forward to when Shigeo is 14 like in canon - Mogami is more particular with who he’s killing. generally it’s still for hire but i think he does punish the kind of ppl he does in canon (this pisses off ppl in the underground sometimes) - uses a very strong rhetoric with Shigeo abt how u can’t allow ppl to take advantage of you - asks Shigeo what he wants, encourages him to speak up?? that’s not a consistent thing tho, Mogam would force Shigeo into some things (either by talking him into it, by surprising him, or some other means) - Mogam has a hand on Mob’s shoulder a lot, often for his own reassurance but it’s also just a habit at this point (Reigen has no friends and Mogami is emotionally dependent on a 14-year-old pass it on) - Shigeo is a lot more cold/direct. more distant from his family. more unstable. - the first person Shigeo Really physically harms (possibly kills??) is an esper sent after Mogami (this person wouldn’t be a conjurator, they’d have some kind of power over physical things and Mogami can’t rlly combat that?? like he doesn’t have those kinds of abilities)(maybe it’s that smoke guy from the world domination arc 🤔🤔🤔) - Mogami is injured during that whole episode - after tho he’s like “you saved my life, thank you, you did the right thing” etc etc - Mob is So Shaken but like. his master is still there and it’s okay because they’re both alive and have each other he was able to keep Mogami safe. Mob is literally shaking and like. damn. Mogami is probably holding him. doesn’t let Mob see the body on the way out. Mogami knows how to clean up this kind of mess so.. he does. - Mogami is Bad and one way or another this leads him to train Mob as an assassin

----

omg i completely forgot to talk abt Mogami getting hired to exorcise Reigen LMAO… (the subject of that 300 note drawing) currently i’m thinking it’s kind of like this: - Minori pretends to be her father and hires Mogami to get rid “the pesky ghost haunting my daughter” etc - her actual dad doesn’t have anything to do with it because, while Reigen is annoying and having a ghost around is Weird, Reigen is actually keeping Minori from getting hurt/doing bad things and Dad-Asagiri supports that - Minori hires Mogami bc he is/was on TV and she doesn’t care to do actual research and money isn’t a problem LMAO - Mogami shows up with Mob and, while talking to Minori, it becomes clear her father didn’t actually hire him and she was trying to play him (plus she’s been teasing/making fun of Mob and just generally being rude af) - he’s definitely not going to exorcise Reigen now, out of spite and also, as someone who has/had money problems, there’s no need to piss off a bazillionaire (pissing off the bratty heiress of a bazillionaire isnt ideal either? but??) - (idk what Reigen has been doing this whole time i have like 0 sense of his voice/personality in action lmfao) - anyway Mogami would be.. pretty mad.. i don’t know if he’d direct that at Minori at all. probably not. he’d tell her father, let him know of any channels she used to contact him (probably email?? maybe she had an attendant make a call to his office or something too) - Minori really is the kind of person Mogami hates. Mob knows this, and why Mogami hates these people (bc they’ve used him in the past, etc) so Mob does something to At Least intimidate/scare her. Mogami wouldn’t let Mob hurt her bc No Need To Piss Off A Bazillionaire (Even If His Daughter Is A Fucking Rude Asshole). - Reigen is like YIKES™ that small boy needs help

from there idk where it’d go… maybe Reigen persuades Minori to pursue friendship with Mob in some capacity. he’d know that would put her in danger though (Mogami is BAD NEWS and Mob is unstable too) so??? probably not that.

maybe he’s like “ok Minori ur still a very wild gal but uuuuh that kid needs help i’m gonna.. go.. put my post-mortem life on the line! please be good?? u can do that, right?? okay okay bye, see you–” and she’s like “UUUUHM???? EXCUSE M E?????” and insists on tagging along. That or she’s like “ya bye bizch those guys r freaky af Good Fuckin Luck Pal BYE FOREVER I GUESS” small tears bc she and Reigen do care about each other. cue drama and danger and maybe eventually Minori and Mob become good kids together or maybe not.