#unsexy vampire rights!!!

[isbergillustration]

A pair of guys, watching me write. Judging.

[detroit-become-moomin]

Hey there! Completely forgot to post about this here, but - charity project for trans kids!!

POINTY THINGS, a folk horror collection written by me, illustrated by @ehlihr, and edited by @nimagine is now available for purchase online through Pride 2024. All revenue raised during the upcoming year will go to LGBT+ mutual aid orgs defending trans youth! In this collection you'll find:

55 pages & 22k+ words of story

unsettling megafauna

a trans take on red riding hood

fun facts about 16th-century beheading practices!

deeply unsexy vampirism

haunting-as-dysphoria

3/5 stories brought to life in spooky, atmospheric detail by elisar's illustrations!

The charities we'll be donating proceeds to include Equality Texas and the Transgender Education Network, but I'm also keeping an eye out for other mutual aid orgs defending the rights of trans youth in the American Southwest.

🩸PURCHASE HERE (GUMROAD) 🩸

🩸 OR HERE (KO-FI)🩸

[elbiotipo]

I still think it's so funny when I said vampires are unsexy (ideologically correct) and people talked to me "but what about the hunger what about the instinct" when werewolves are right there. I mean it would make sense if I didn't mention them but I was comparing them.

[lauralot89]

So I watched Nosferatu

poor Nicholas Hoult keeps getting tortured by vampires

also

that certainly was a penis

it has been years since I watched the original Nosferatu and I no longer remember what it did with any of its characters or plot so I will not be comparing this to that

so if you're going to do a Dracula/Mina romance (or in this case, Orlok/Ellen) and you're not going to base it around their shared hobby of reading train schedules, this is probably the best way to do it, because this isn't actually a romance. This movie gives Mina/Ellen the psychic sensitivity that Lucy/Anna has in the book, and establishes that Ellen has had mental connection with Orlok since her childhood, and he essentially groomed her. She even calls him out on it in the film. Yeah, there is one moment toward the end of the movie where she comforts him, but she isn't trying to save him or anything and also even in the original novel, Mina was the one who said Dracula deserved the most pity.

Yes, there was the scene where Ellen was saying Orlok loved her more than Thomas/Jonathan but she was clearly possessed

There is no romanticism of Orlok/Dracula here. He's the worst and he doesn't even have the illusion of civility that most adaptations provide.

also I was told by early reviewers that this movie was very horny and I think they must have watched a different cut than I did. I mean, sure, you see (flaccid) vampire dick once and some nudity throughout but the movie has two sex scenes and both are deeply unsexy in that in the first, you don't see anything and also both characters have gone out of their minds, and in the second, it's not even really sex. You can't just show me a dick that's not even in use and tell me that's horny. Come on, people. Raise your standards.

I don't say this to be mean but: I think the original Orlok makeup from the silent film was scarier. I get what they were doing here, I do, and the makeup was immaculate (as were the costumes, the set designs, etc. It's an Eggers film) but I personally find Original Orlok scarier, and this Orlok was most intimidating when he was kept in the shadows.

This movie felt very much like a fairy tale. It even sets up a "three nights" limit at one point sort of like the earlier versions of Cinderella. I find that Dracula adaptations, particularly in film, often put vibes above, say, characterization, and this movie felt pretty vibe-y.

If I were to make a complaint, it wouldn't even really be about the movie itself. But like, Nosferatu was originally made to be Dracula without paying for the rights to Dracula, wasn't it? You're not bound by the novel (not that most straight-up Dracula adaptations follow the novel all that closely either). You literally have a built-in excuse to do whatever you want, but it seems like what people want to do time and again in vampire movies is a highlights reel of the most famous moments in the book without ever really delving into the characters that made the novel so good.

Again, this is not a criticism of this movie. It's just that what I realized while watching this movie is that I really really want a Dracula adaptation that's a character study. Not even necessarily a character study of Dracula. If someone out there made an adaptation that focused the story on Jonathan or Lucy or Jack or whoever, I would love for that.

God bless Ralph Ineson's voice

Everyone in this film did well, but Nicholas Hoult's performance was probably my favorite. He emotes terror so damn well. And of course Dafoe is always a delight.

Did Original Orlok also favor biting people on the chest or was he a neck guy

[leam1983]

How to make an Unsexy Character Arguably Sexy

Let's start with Count Orlok. He stares, is cadaverously rigid, has excessively long fingernails that may or may not double as claws, buck teeth that limit his Charisma factor, a few posture-related issues and a very limited wardrobe.

Keep the age factor. With a little self-esteem and proper poise, undead silverfoxes with two little tufts of hair behind their ears could be literal and figurative ladykillers.

Lose the hunch. Expose the neck, knowing that he has very little natural predators and very few enemies who could come close to slashing his throat, and standing straight would add a few inches to an already stately figure.

Imply that he's confident enough to keep his arms down and wrists unbent.

Get him on enough walks that he loses his stiffness and recovers something close to a normal walking gait.

Borrow something from the Traditionally Sexy camp, and make his gestures occasionally veer into languid or feline suggestions, with a few occasional twitches to pay homage to his origins.

Work on his people skills. A more lively face makes the buck teeth easier to integrate.

Carefully iterate on his wardrobe. Stay close to tones of black or charcoal, but go for modern suit cuts, using the sides of a well-tailored suit jacket to fill in his frame somewhat. Neckties can invoke a sense of professionalism, while bowties can also suggest the playfulness inherent to certain undead.

Keep his hands occupied. Shadow of the Vampire and a few other vampire vectors insinuate that vampires can at least hold booze down in the absence of solids other than blood, so occupy his hands with the occasional coffee cup, Martini or Scotch glass - or why not - the errant cigar or two. His now-mostly-unused lungs have to be good for something, right?

Bring it all together. A vampire doesn't need to be a Greek statue brought to life, it simply needs to command an excess of charisma and seductive power that makes onlookers disregard its obvious traits. Dude looks old enough to be your grandfather? Who cares, he's such a natural storyteller you'd sit there and drink his words for hours. He's perhaps slightly out of touch? Ah, but there's nothing like a dash of Old World charm to make even the occasional case of befuddlement in front of a smartphone look like something you'd forgive with a wink and a laugh. Too-long fingernails that look about ready to score glass? Here's a quirky anecdote that excuses it!

Know when to bring out the savagery. Orlok should only look old or feel old to first-time acquaintances, anyone who crosses him should consider themselves a target - and there's nothing more terrifying than a six-foot-five beanpole with pointy ears who unironically dabs himself in Aqua Velva that somehow manages to one-hand-smash you into his coffee table after going from "deceptively casual bon vivant" to "sheer rage" in half a second.

Oh, and he should be a well-read commentator on all things rodents and rats, very much the type to keep a few large closed vivariums of the things, all the while endearingly calling them "chaos potatoes".

And yes, I wholeheartedly believe that Modern Day Count Orlok has a capybara as a pet.

As for visual examples, I'll admit to having used Stable Diffusion on my own PC and a metric fuckton of duty-free and Creative Commons pictures to whip this up, as I cannot draw to save my life but enjoy having the ability to quickly source visual references without pestering artists strictly to prove a point. The pic itself is Creative Commons by default and I'm using it in a context covered by Fair Use - as it's my own generation on my own hardware.

So, take a look at these Orloks and tell me which one you'd strike up a conversation with.

Orlok Number 1 maintains a vague aura of menace but cleans up very well. Plus, chances are he's just giving you that sultry look because you've managed to excite something that goes beyond base predatory instincts, right? Who knows?

A little less formal for Orlok Number 2, with a bit more personality in his facial structure. He might not have that many top teeth and his underbite isn't classically sexy, but his more Business Casual attire suggests he's pulled himself together. Maybe he's just relating some juicy office gossip to someone while crossing their path in a staircase - and not being evil doesn't mean he has to stop being a little rapacious, right? Maybe you've helped him with a hostile takeover and he's giving you a few words of encouragement along with a dark chuckle or two...

Orlok 3+4 is notably softer in design, much more believable as a fairly genteel character - and that unprompted wink just sends me. It's just perfect. This is an Orlok who's brimming with Slavic witticisms and who, as suggested above, probably manages to be a fair bit of a social butterfly. I imagine him as kind, an absolutely perfect gentleman, reasonably funny and spirited with the conversation calls for it; with the sense that his sticking to modern displays of chivalry still requires a little extra focus. He'd probably give you his coat even if unprompted and just barely catch himself before pushing his attentive nature into sexism, after which he'd profusely apologize and claim that he's "still learning, you see".

[zipwriting]

If Drow were actually spiders they could have. Paralesis venom. it works on chickens and rabbits and whatever and then if you bite a human or a cow it's local anathetic. do Drow have livestock down there? anthropolgy. maybe they have snakes and worms and frogs and bats and rats and moles and MONSTERS. and mushrooms and vines and maybe football fish.

Someone said Drow had heatvision instead of nightvision which to me said snakes so they can stil have retractable fangs. as a treat. i mean to be fair to the humanoid form you would have to be faster than the prey to bite it we're not and we have that controversy where we lost our jaw powers for brain powers. the fangs are aethetic.

That's a funny thing about vampires is I think boner fangs that are straight up and down are very lame the height of weird lameness. You have to have fangs 24-7. Or I think it should be like popping your ears with your jaw (only in movies, still seems lame in books). like a snake!!! it feels like no one has given them snake teeth which are also gross and unsexy TO ME other people would like it though. about vampires when people say you would need really long fangs (sure sabre teeth is very interesting, hard to hide) or shark teeth i don't really get that. bats lap up the blood yes but no other animal besides us can use straws so yes we would bite a little holes then move our mouth just a little and then be sucking it. don't be stupid. you're not taking a mouthful of flesh your just puncturing the skin. i could draw blood on you right now but yeah granted i would also be making a blood blister probably because my teeth aren't very sharp and humans bodies are not shaped to be bitten by other humans in fact no body is shaped for that. that's why animals have muzzles.

now let's talk about werewolf fangs. 10/10

[berenwrites]

Dreams in the Night - Stranger Things - Steddie, Chapter 8 of 9

Dreams in the Night: But Vampires Aren't an Upside Down Thing!

Summary: Steve has been having nightmares, seeing through the eyes of a vampire like creature in Hawkins as it hunts. He puts the dreams down to past trauma and too many horror movies at Family video. He’s checked and no one’s been hurt, so even Robin agrees. However, his world is about to be turned upside down yet again as the nightmares become far too real.

Tumblr Master Chapter Listing | Also on AO3

For: @lady-lostmind (lady_lostmind on AO3)

Relationships: steddie, platonic stobin

Rating: Explicit

Wordcount: ~18600

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Tags: vampire!Eddie, Kas!Eddie, hurt/comfort, bisexual!Steve, bisexual!Eddie, platonic stobin, steddie

This fic is a part of the @steddieholidayexchange

Chapter 8: Testing

So far Steve had been scanned with two different machines and had blood taken three times, but at least he had proper clothes and no catheter, so he wasn’t complaining too much. He had also answered a lot of questions with a peculiar net thing on his head. When one of the technicians had mentioned it would be a lot easier to get readings if they shaved his head, Eddie might have growled at them. He’d also put up with a very thorough physical. That Robin and Eddie were always close by, even when they couldn’t be in the same room, helped a lot.

What he really didn’t expect was to be taken to a room that looked like a gym.

This time Eddie was right there in the spotlight with him.

“We’d like to do some strength and fitness tests if you’re up to it,” Owens said, smiling at them both over his clipboard. “Steve, do you know what you would normally lift?”

He hadn’t done it in a while, but he rattled off the weight he used to train to.

“Eddie?” Owens asked.

“Never been my thing,” was the short response.

“Oh this should be fun,” Robin said, making herself comfortable in a chair in the corner that seemed to have been provided just for her.

“How about we start with the free weights,” Owen suggested, leading them over to two stands with barbells.

The first thing Steve noticed was all the numbers on the various weights were covered with tape so they couldn’t be seen.

“So as not to skew the test,” Owens explained when the man saw him looking. “Let’s begin with a simple arm-curl. Start with the lighter weights and move up until you reach your limit.”

It was simple enough and Steve moved through the various barbells until he was onto the second set on the second stand. Eddie carried on right to the last and heaviest set and Steve was pretty sure Eddie hadn’t reached his limit.

“Thank you, gentlemen,” Owens said once they finished. “Shall we move on to bench pressing?”

Steve went through the motions, enjoying the exertion if he was honest. Eddie didn’t look as enthused, but only complained dramatically rather than seriously, so Steve hoped it wasn’t too arduous for the other man. He also couldn’t help where his mind went watching Eddie lift weights like they were made of balsa wood. He had to think some decidedly unsexy thoughts to prevent embarrassing himself. It didn’t help the way Eddie’s eyes never seemed to leave him either.

He really hoped they could get out of the lab soon, because he was having very impure thoughts of what he wanted to do to Eddie, and what he wanted Eddie to do to him.

They ended up doing all sorts of tests including hitting things and pulling things as well as using the weights, the running machine and more. By the end of it, Steve was pretty sure he was stronger than he had been, but Eddie was significantly stronger and faster than him. The only problem being he didn’t know by how much because of the distinct lack of numbers. Owens wasn’t a great deal of help either.

Once the tests were complete, they were politely herded back to their room where lunch was laid out. He also couldn’t help noticing that a third bed had been added to the side of the room. Clearly their hosts assumed now he was awake that Steve would want his own place to sleep.

The food looked pretty normal, some kind of meatloaf with various sides, and cheesecake for dessert. Not bad in Steve’s estimation. It was the drinks that he found a little odd. Each of them had a thermos with their name on it.

“Do we all have different things?” he asked as he sat down at their tiny table.

“You definitely won’t like mine,” Eddie said, reaching for his with a gleam in his eye.

“Don’t know why ours would be different though,” Robin said, taking her seat.

Steve still didn’t get it, but reached for his, opening it and sniffing the contents. It smelled sweet, but he couldn’t identify what it might be, so he took a sip. All he got was fruit flavours, like a mixed juice drink.

“Tastes like juice,” he said.

Eddie took a long gulp of his and Steve couldn’t help noticing the residue on the other man’s lips.

“Oh,” he said as he caught up, there was blood on Eddie’s mouth.

He was surprised when Eddie grimaced.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“Doesn’t taste right,” Eddie replied. “If I didn’t need it, I’d pass.”

“Maybe you only like one blood type,” Steve suggested.

“That’s what I said,” Robin said while digging into her meatloaf.

“They assure me I’ve tried them all,” Eddie said, wrinkling his nose before taking another slug from the thermos. “Ugh, it gets worse with every mouthful.”

“Would a transfusion work?” Steve asked, trying the meatloaf since Robin seemed to be enjoying hers.

“They apparently tried that after they brought us in, while I was still out of it,” Eddie said, putting his blood aside and starting on his solid food. “My body rejected it violently. Glad I missed it. According to Owens I was bleeding from every orifice.”

“Ewww,” Robin said, “I’m trying to eat.”

“Thank you so much for your sympathy, Buckley,” was Eddie’s dry response.

“Sounds nasty,” Steve said, wincing at the idea.

“Makes drinking the stuff much more appealing,” Eddie said with a shrug, “even if it tastes like crap.”

There wasn’t much arguing with that.

~*~

Steve was having a wonderful dream. He and Eddie were back home in his room, and Eddie was taking him apart with his mouth. Everywhere Eddie touched him lit up with delicious sensations and all Steve could do was lie there, writhing in pleasure. It was amazing as Eddie worked his way all over Steve’s body. Then, when Eddie reached his neck, he felt sharp points dance over his skin.

Without hesitation he turned his head to the side, offering himself for Eddie to take what he needed.

Unfortunately, what came next was not the heady pleasure-pain combination of a bite, but rather being jolted awake.

“Sorry,” Eddie said, voice tight as he slipped from beneath Steve, “need to … um .. need …”

“Eds,” Steve hissed after him, but Eddie disappeared into their bathroom without looking back.

The whole sleeping in separate beds thing had lasted just over thirty minutes, because Steve had tried to have a nap that afternoon and woken up in a cold sweat blindly reaching for Eddie. Since he was under strict instructions to make sure he rested, they had taken that excuse to ignore the third bed after that.

Robin was fast asleep in her bed, which was now pushed up against his and Eddie’s because she had declared it unfair she was not allowed to partake in cuddles. The sheet from the third bed was sideways over both to keep them together, but Robin had still opted to sleep on her side of the possible divide after they had spent the afternoon piled together on their makeshift double watching TV.

Steve didn’t want to disturb her, so he slipped out from under his cover and padded towards the bathroom after Eddie. He found Eddie leaning over the sink, splashing his face with water. Stepping inside, Steve closed the door behind him.

“Something wrong?” he asked, walking over towards the sink.

“Stay back,” Eddie said, holding up his hand without looking up.

“Eds,” he replied, stopping, but not backing away, “what’s going on?”

Eddie stared into the sink where the water was still running for long, silent seconds. Finally, Eddie looked up.

“I was going to bite you,” Eddie said. “I could barely stop myself.”

“Were you having the same dream?” he asked.

Eddie’s eyes opened slightly.

“We were in my room,” he went on, making a hand movement to hopefully indicate sexy things without saying it out loud in case people were listening. “You went to bite me.”

“I woke up just before that last part,” Eddie replied after a moment. “All I could see was your neck. I never … not while you were unconscious … I never felt like this.”

“Maybe because I’m ready now,” Steve said as he thought about it.

“What do you mean, ready?” Eddie asked.

“Owens said my metabolism was changing, something to do with the bat bites,” Steve reasoned out slowly, “that’s why I was unconscious. But I was bitten months ago. I never showed any changes, not until you came back. What if it wasn’t just the bat bites, what if it was your bite too?”

“This is my fault?” Eddie said, sounding horrified.

“Not what I was going for,” Steve said, stepping up to the other man. “What I’m trying to say is, what if I was changing for you? The tests show my metabolism is faster, I’m stronger, not as strong as you, but more robust. What if that makes me the perfect donor and now that it’s all finished, I’m your catnip?”

“God you’ve been my catnip for years,” Eddie whispered, before slapping his hand over his mouth.

“Years?” Steve asked just as quietly, unable to keep what he was sure was rather a smug expression off his face.

“You’re too pretty for your own good, Harrington,” was Eddie’s best go at a comeback.

That just made Steve smile more.

“For the record,” he said, leaning into Eddie’s personal space and whispering in his ear, “if there weren’t cameras everywhere and Robin in the next room, I’d let you bend me over any surface of your choice.”

He actually saw Eddie’s pupils dilate.

“You’re testing my self-control, Stevie,” Eddie said, breathing in deeply as if taking in his scent.

“Then bite me,” he said. “Did you ever think the blood tastes bad from a cup because it’s not straight from the source?”

Eddie’s nostrils flared again.

“Don’t tempt me,” Eddie begged.

“I’m not tempting,” he replied, “I’m offering. I want this as much as your do.”

“But it hurts you,” Eddie said, eyes fixed on his neck.

“The first time it hurt in a way where I wanted it to stop,” he said, perfectly honestly. “All the others were something else.”

Eddie’s eyes came back and met his own again.

“Bite me,” he said.

Eddie’s eyes went black, and Steve found himself being manhandled until his back hit the door. He caught the slightest glint of long white fangs before he leaned his head to the side in offering. Those fangs going in felt like rivulets of lightening, lighting up his system as he grabbed for Eddie, hanging on for all he was worth. His cock throbbed mercilessly in his pants and about all he could do was bite his lip and whimper quietly, so he didn’t yell loudly enough to wake Robin. He really, really hoped they could go home soon.

End of Chapter 8

On to Chapter 9

[sanguinifex]

The downside of studying literally any Latin is knowing that the clinical words for “naughty bits” are just extremely cringy euphemisms. “Penis” means “tail.” “Vagina” means “sheath” (which in addition to being unsexy, defines it solely in relation to the penis, which, as a feminist, I have problems with). “Anus” means “ring.” “Labia” means “lips,” which is the lazy way out and which is also the medical word for mouth lips, which can be confusing in medical records. “Rectum,” aka the inside of the ass, literally just means “the bit that’s upright/got a right angle bend to it.”

We do know that the Romans had actual obscene words. Back then, you didn’t quote tweet or post the mocking spongebob meme; instead, you wrote epigrams. Epigrams could, in some ways, be considered the original textual meme format (I specify, because I’m pretty sure drawing dicks on things was the first meme ever). So we know that words like “verpa” (hard cock) and cunnus (cunt) and “culus” (ass) existed. They just weren’t chosen by the anatomists. Those were people who called spades “short-handled digging implements.”

Hilariously, there’s one obscene Latin verb where no one knows quite what it means. (If any ghosts or vampires do, they’re not telling.) That verb is “Glubere.” We know it’s sexual, we know it typically involves penises, we know there’s a connotation involving rubbing (in fact, in older translations it’s often rendered as such when not replaced by asterisks), but we don’t know the exact details of what’s being implied. Is it blowjobs? Is it wanking? Is it some concept of “performing an action upon a penis” that conceptually fits with the transitive qualities of other Roman sex-act verbs but does not neatly fit into our modern, search-engine-optimized categories of discrete sex acts? We don’t fucking know!

[nicotine-noah]

"Somethin' like that." Did trafficking drugs count as sales? Probably to someone it did. Noah didn't talk much about his life before, though he didn't mind mentioning that he'd been in jail. He never mentioned his sister, not wanting anybody here to even know about her because she was off living her life and doing well (as far as he knew) and there wasn't much to say about the rest of his life.

The elevator was nice, like a taste of what was to come. He curled his fingers in Quin's shirt to hold him there, getting a taste of him and enjoying being pinned against the wall. Being outside was definitely nice too, though, even if he knew fuck all about flowers. Quin didn't seem to mind or that he was just randomly babbling so he figured he could keep that up if it didn't really matter.

"Not yet." He could probably come up with all kinds of random shit if he needed to. Noah snorted at the mention of a bouquet. "Don't know why you'd want to but probably not. Nowhere to keep it anyway." What use did he have for flowers? It was a weird idea. The vampire had more of an idea about the flowers and Noah just nodded, pretty sure he wouldn't remember anyway. They moved to a hill and Quin settled on the ground. Noah watched him, eyebrows up, though he definitely paid more attention when Quin started stripping, though only to the waist. "You're all so fuckin' perfect looking. Not that I'm complainin'." He really wasn't, Noah definitely didn't mind that pretty much all the vampires were hot as fuck. Sunbathe? It was kind of appealing though he worried he might doze off with the champagne. He went down easily, dragging his hands over Quin's chest and closing his eyes at the bite, shivering a little though disappointingly there were no fangs. "You're a fuckin' tease." He complained, goodnaturedly, leaning into the vampire anyway and keeping his eyes closed. Sleep was always hit and miss and he'd never really gotten used to or felt comfortable sleeping around so many people though obviously he could. Not that he trusted Quin anymore than them but he couldn't do anything to stop a master from hurting him anyway. The sun felt so good and he was so full and they were practically cuddling which right now felt good. "We don't do somethin' soon I'm gonna fall asleep." Which was deeply unsexy but here was Quin's chance to stop it if that's not what he wanted. He couldn't remember the last time he'd fallen asleep with someone while they stroked his hair. It was nice.

"Were you in sales before this? You have a way with words." Quin remained amused, liking the cocky assurance that he was absolutely worth it. There was nothing wrong with being aware of what you were working with.

The elevator gave Quin the chance to push Noah against a wall and kiss him, both hands holding his face. It was easy to push the rest of the world away when you were trapped in a little box, and Quin liked seeing the way the world left Noah's face. The champagne no doubt helped, but he was happy and not the forced kind of happiness that salesmen had, and that tasted good to Quin.

"You haven't run out yet." The gardens were nice enough, though it was the sunlight and heat that Quin wanted. That and Noah of course. "So I shouldn't send you a bouquet?" He was amused at the descriptions. "Roses, I think. The blue ones are gentian maybe." Quin noted a small manufactured hillock designed to allow picnics or something and led Noah over to it, dropping down. "Tell me anything. Or don't. Up to you." He pulled off his jacket and laid it down. "Don't wanna get grass stains." He took off his dress shirt, one button at a time, starting with the cuffs. Once it was off, he added it to the jacket. "Go on. Sunbathe if you want." Once he'd pulled Noah down, he leaned in and kissed Noah's neck, running his tongue along the other man's pulse. He bit down but didn't break the skin, just liking to leave a bruise. "You don't have to do anything til you're ready. The sun's enough for now." He leaned back and closed his eyes, running his fingers through Noah's hair and stroking his neck.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

@uberoll-oystercrackers late night (early morning?) posting here but this is super nice ty and also again retroactively thank you additionally for all the long replies & kind tags you give

like really yeah it’s like, on the one hand, it’s fairly sucky having to have this thing where im always jumping the gun on considering someone Maybe An Friend and then having to remind myself / be reminded of the fact that like no probably not, which is true and yet sucks, which is just how some stuff is!! like sometimes stuff just is Not Good and is not ever going to Not Hurt, despite the fact you can kinda get better at living with it. and like this one isnt a huge deal even tho the larger problem of when ur like, lonely &/or isolated is kind of a whole real deal……

like it’s strange having these contradictory problems with it…..like, Being Myself has never really just been something i can Naturally do, so even just trying to be nice is like oh lord am i being ~manipulative~, and im always too prone to treat interactions like ive got to placate the other person, and then also just like….not having amazing social skills anyways in the sense that i know a lot of times i come across ~off~ to people and can’t really do a lot about that, but also, i feel like i’m always overcompensating for like, enthusiasm and just the fact i like to Get Silly and maybe i’ll act too cool~n~collected or come off like im trying to be all Smart and Smarmy and like jeez no……it doesnt help that when i was younger i generally preferred interacting with adults and so probably was trying to come across as clever and when i was wanting someone to like me i’d be real nervous and try to go too hard in seeming the opposite lol……oh the legacy of the time i found out my mom’s childhood friend who was funny and cool to us thought i was bookish (true) but like also snobby or something lmao like ah jeez i probably made too many sarcastic jokes about things….but oh well i was just like 10-ish at the time.

anyways tho i feel like that still kicks in and when i get the sense someone is cool and it’d be cool if they thought i was cool too i’m like Well So Then i gotta PLAY it cool!! and then like oh no am i coming across as a jerk? or an trying-to-be-an-intellectual?? i always have a lot of thoughts and i do go off when its like, also tied in to Opinions of mine, so im like, oh no am i coming across as trying to tell someone i think they should think exactly this?? or if i try to Be Witty and Tell Jokes are they just coming off as snarky b/c i hope not especially since a lot of times my actual Lighthearted Snark gets read as “i hate this and think its dumb af” lol. ahhhh i just do not know!! like, i wanna sort of dial back my Warmth b/c i can get enthused fast and i have a tendency to get too attached to ppl too fast, which really only sucks for me, but still!! yet i dont wanna rein it in too much and try to overcompensate and come off like im Eternally Unimpressed and don’t really care and etc etc and just…..idk its wild it’s hard to tell how i may be socializing awkwardly lmao ahhh….and on top of it all, i manage to be godawful at realizing when other ppl actually like me. like, that sort of sounds like The Opposite but i guess its just more of that problem of thinking that im going to always bother people….a lot of times it takes me like, months or a year (or two or three) to realize that someone who willingly interacts w me during that time probably does genuinely like me and is maybe a friend. wrow

uhhhh anyways lord that was all just. tangentially related. im Tangents

UH more to the point!!!! the good news is that yeah i don’t have to think “oh we’re totally real bffs” about anyone to really enjoy and appreciate Our Interactions…..and like i do have real appreciation and gratitude for basically all nice attention lol like, if a single reblog of smthing has kind comments, if someone cool just Likes a few posts, talking on occasion or like, ever at all. cuz for real The Little Stuff has always been a really good thing for years now, especially since there’s been plenty of times i havent really had anything happening In Person that was like….good interactions or ppl who were able to hear my actual thoughts and feelings about whatever and still be interested in interacting with me. cuz in terms of not being isolated and in what i find it easy to talk about and how, Online Interactions have been genuinely important and impactful in a positive way for like a solid decade now since i was able to be consistently Online and have my own accounts and stuff in the first place

so like yeah totally i really do appreciate stuff like that. i think its pretty incredible whenever anybody just like, thinks of me, and likes me. having None Of That Feeling is supremely trash and i so appreciate that i don’t have to feel like there’s nothing and that nobody out there in the world is aware of me, and yet i don’t need it to be that like, anyone is Constantly aware of me and like, intensely invested, cuz that’s just not how it goes lol and even kinda meaning a little bit to someone and having my tiny presence in their life be a positive one is a great thought and i really do appreciate it. Unfortunately for like….my entire life, The Contempt Of Others has been a consistent #thing i’m dealing with and it’s not great!! like yeah fortunately ive had the “felt so bad about myself that it eventually circled back around and now self loathing isnt too much of an issue for me” thing, but it still sucks experiencing it lol…..having any testimonials that like, whatever shit im talking about @ myself is fun to read, or i seem okay, or its fun to talk, etc etc, like thats fantastic really

and the kinds of leaf thoughts too, yeah, that kind of thing is nice to know too lol. i was hoping you were ok like, ten hours before i saw you posting again lol…..we’re out here……..

like yeah ldmbgglh whatever my weird problems are with being overexcited abt any Potential Friendship, and also being bad at realizing if people do like me, and also just being Weird and not great at talking, and overcompensating for whatever and maybe coming across too Coldly when rly im a fiery dumbass, wanting friends but also wanting not to be burned by getting ahead of things and being reminded that most ppl aren’t like, as starved for even just friendly interactions……..i’m better at navigating and handling it in some ways but c’est a m’ess!!! aaaggbfg

really what im trying to say is i do appreciate that sort of thing a lot yeah. i could very well Not be thought of by anybody and that would suck and the fact that i get to know that i am is a really great thing. maybe i couldve said this all better last night cuz i was kinda in my feelings abt Life a little but then also it was in a sort of déspresso way so, maybe this is okay lol….

also i worry i don’t express affection and appreciation enough!!! it’s not that i’m like Oh i don’t want to Commit to Being Friends ew…..it’s that i don’t wanna be the one pressuring someone else into being like uh oh i have to play up being invested in milo!! but then maybe my playing-it-cool just makes other ppl do the same thing or think i don’t care or something. like oh i appreciate this person a ton and think they’re great and they’ve been kind to me but if we only talk so often and obviously im not There for them and involved in their life in the way a ~real friend~ would be, maybe it would just ring hollow to say i love them, for example. lord lol……. it’s all “oh don’t dial down your kindness and affection” and yet also “but don’t wanna inadvertently push other people or Be Weird or get myself invested in something where i don’t mean as much to the other person not cuz they suck but because like, of course im just a fun internet acquaintance, which is fine!!” ahhhhhh the challenges. anyways!!!!!!!

the point is well i do like ppl yeah and i really appreciate ppl liking me. every now and then they do it online or even in person and thats just a Joy and i wish things were more secure!!! i also have to not even necessarily want ppl to get invested in me in case things go to shit too soon or whatever and it doesnt help that ~being open~ means talking abt depressingass stuff sometimes that like, i don’t mind being open about, but i also don’t want to put on other ppl. which, sidenote on that, im feeling relatively alright all these recent months even if im not technically thriving; it’s okay. it’s a hot mess! but that’s just How It Is sometimes!! it’s what it is. and ive had support from ppl in big and small ways that i know i could have had to go without and all the ways ppl are nice to me count for a whole lot and i have appreciated it, and do appreciate it, and will continue to appreciate it.

tldr 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖

[bellaslilpapercut]

Question for the Vampire Physiologists on here: I think we can all agree that vampires should be able to get drunk, as a treat BUT does it make sense if they can get drunk but not eat food? I’m leaning towards “yes” because alcohol doesn’t work until it hits the bloodstream, usually via stomach lining but then the liquid itself would still need to be excreted somehow and most vampires can’t do that. I’m also not sure if I’m 100% sold on the idea that vampires shouldn’t be able to use the bathroom, like I love the idea of more classic vampires like in WWDITS that can’t eat human food at all but I also want my vampires to get drunk sometimes lolol 

[garbagecinnamonroll]

Sir. Are you kidding me, sir.

This is ridiculous.

This is not how you do unsexy vampire, you do not do unsexy vampire by doing a sexy glare.

How dare you, sir.

[unavernales]

the doctor doesn't humor haru with an explanation, instead adjusting so their little vampire can be as comfortable as possible. absentmindedly, paion rubs haru's tummy as she demonstrates how to play the game. the setup itself seems innocuous, albeit a little dark toned to be a game made for preteens or children. this game was geared towards preteens and children, right? it's only when haru reads the truth card out loud do paion's eyebrows shoot up in slight concern. surely that card was an outlier. something that was added in there to give it a little spice. or maybe haru had read it wrong. right... "seems simple enough," paion comments with another sip of wine.

farrah narrows her eyes at haru. she did not have as much faith in her best friend as paion did. the dhampir knew exactly what sort of game this would be. not that she minded. her and haru got along because they didn't care to understand boundaries. however, farrah still isn't sure if haru was... willing to share. even thinking about it made her feel guilty. maybe she'd be able to just target the sexier, action oriented stuff with haru and more hands off, not as risque stuff with paion. seemed safe enough! "i'll go first," farrah declares and picks out a purple piece so she can swap it for the pink one, because she doesn't fuck with anything that's not pink. when she rolls, she gets a six. it makes her puff up in pride. she will definitely win at this rate. it's a dare space.

"let the person next to you spank you five times," she reads out with a giggle. paion's eyes widen as he decides to take chug of his wine. the dhampir gets on her hands and knees so haru can get to it. who cares if she's facing her nearly bare ass to paion, it's meant for haru so it's okay! paion wants to die. his eyes immediately avert and he attempts to think about decidedly unsexy things.

"don't go easy on me, babe~" farrah teases and paion pretends to be literally anywhere else.

A little yelp left her, quick to bat the air between them. "But Haru doesn't even know what tastes good!" It's been so long she's forgotten about flavous... but... seeing Farrah enjoy the drink Paion gave them made her feel a little jealous. Maybe she should learn how to mix drinks, if it would make Farrah happy. Maybe Farrah would even kiss her in exchange of the drinks!

Wow. Why were they ganging up on Haru like this? Was it Bully Harry Day?! "Why not?" Haru moved to sit across Paion's lap, legs going over Farrah's once she shuffled closer. At this awkward angle the board game was laid out.

"We don't pick the dares or questions, the cards do!" Here, they'll demonstrate. A pink token was set on the START position. "Pick your colour from the bag and put it next to Haru's." Then, she rolled a die. "Haru got four so moves four." And so they do. Landing on a truth square, "This one means we pick from the truth deck, and that one means we pick from the dare deck. Going on a snake head means we go down to where the tail is." A truth card was picked up. "It says 'name one time you thought the person on your left looked sexy but didn't tell them'. If Haru doesn't get wanna do it, they move back to where they were before. Some are wild cards too, like... move another space for free or pick someone else to ask them something." It was a relief that the first card had been a tame one... Haru had heard of some pretty raunchy cards! "Get it?" Asked as they moved everything back to starting position and put that truth card to the bottom.

[comicaurora]

You often talk about not being a fan of misery porn, extra gorey scenes or grimdark stuff but you're also a big fan of Netflix Castlevania. Do you think that show lacks these aspects or are they done in a way that doesn't put you off?

It's weird. I didn't expect to like it, for all the reasons you stated. But Castlevania pulled off Dark Fantasy in a way I wasn't expecting, and I think what made it work was the protagonists.

Trevor is a standard-issue dark fantasy miseryguts on first appearance, but the crucial detail is he starts the story at his emotional darkest hour and goes up from there. He's drunk and broke and miserable and he kind of hates everybody - but, and this is critical, he still does the right thing. He makes a perfect foil to Dracula, who experienced very similar heartbreak and decided to work out his grief by burning the world down. Trevor's family and legacy was destroyed by the church and the ignorance of scared, normal people, just like Lisa Tepes was. Trevor being worn down to the bone, miserable and isolated, and still at his core being unable to abandon innocents to die, is not a grimdark concept. It's sneakily a very hopeful one, and, crucially, the story rewards him for trying.

This, of course, leads to Sypha entering the story when Trevor rescues her from the cyclops, and Sypha is a complete breath of fresh air in the story so far. She's unburdened by the angst and tragedy that weighs on Trevor - which is why he, at one point, describes her as a hero while he is not. Sypha and Trevor do equally heroic activities, but Sypha has the hero attitude while Trevor just does it as a job (and a bone-deep sense of justice he refuses to admit is there). Sypha is cheerful, curious and more than willing to crack jokes at Trevor's expense, while still seeming grounded and sensible enough to avoid feeling like a manic pixie dream girl. As we learn more about her, it becomes clear that part of the reason she feels so much less miserable than everyone around her is because of her ludicrously powerful magic that means she doesn't need to worry so much about the rains of hellspawn and nightmare chimeras in the woods and stuff. Sypha also works as a mirror to Lisa, in that they are both educated women who understand the importance of community-maintenance and use their knowledge to help people around them, even at the cost of being seen as a witch. Even though she goes through some heavy stuff, she also retains her hopeful and heroic demeanor and goes beyond just saving people's lives - she actively works to help them rebuild so they can do more than just survive. This is, again, antithetical to the supposed grimdark of the setting.

Alucard is kind of in a story of his own and plays the tragic hero tropes a lot more straight, but that's why he's not the only protagonist. Trevor and Sypha foil off him, mostly by taking the piss and allowing him to lighten up a bit. Alucard probably has the bleakest worldview of the trio, feeling utterly isolated by his half-vampire nature and really only saving humanity on the principle that "Lisa would not approve of genocide in her name." The story makes it clear that his Lone Tragic Hero thing is actively deeply unhealthy and also very unsexy, and he's at his happiest (and sexiest) when he has friends and loved ones around to support him and make sure he showers.

Over and over again the story drives home that saving lives is necessary heroism, but so is saving knowledge and teaching people how to live better lives, because the ultimate goal of the story is to fulfill Lisa's dream of a better world - where people won't be sick and scared all the time. That concept is anti-grimdark. And the rules of the story reward this endeavor over and over again. Not everyone they try to save survives, and not every heroic attempt ends in victory - Lisa died trying to fulfill that dream, after all - but the dream is bigger than any one person, and every attempt has tangible lasting consequences that make the world just a bit better and inspire other people to carry the dream forward. Hidden in this dark, bloody, "everyone says fuck now" fantasy story is an unbelievably hopeful message about how one can actually go about saving the world.

And what really clinched it for me was how the show ended. It goes out of its way to bend logic and luck to reward all of our heroes for trying so hard to save the world when it would have been legitimately easier to end on a bittersweet note. This show essentially proves that it's possible to take the aesthetic of grimdark too-cool-for-school fantasy and then use it to tell an actually hopeful story where the main characters act like real people who aren't selfish assholes. Because while "realism = everyone is a selfish, petty asshole" is a tempting trope, it's more accurate to say that "realism = some people are selfish, petty assholes". It's ridiculous to act like the real world has no selfless, kind people in it.

So yea, highly recommend. Even Season 3, the comparative weak link and overall darkest point, is well worth watching.

[rere-the-writer]

hii what about some like pure soft asf smut with elijah and hes super gentle on her cos its her first time yk <333

Yes to all of this

Warnings: Soft smut, Soft!Elijah, Fluff

You had been dating Elijah for a few months and you had decided to tell Elijah you were ready. You spent the day washing your hair and shaving picking out an outfit then looked at you underwear which all were quite unsexy and kinda not flattering. You threw on some sweats and headed for Victoria Secret to find something sexy.

"Can I help you?"

"Hum....yes...no...maybe? Humm....what you recomend for a girl's first time?" You asked the lady who smiled gently and patiently helped you. You settled on a white lace bra and panties that you thought would look nice on you.

You got home slipped on the set before stopping seeing how nice it looked on you before grabbing your dress putting it on. Elijah arrived to your door knocking and you opened the door smiling at Elijah.

"Ready to go darling?"

"Yes." You say seeing how handsome Elijah looked as he held his arm for your to take kissing your hand. Elijah took you out dancing and dinner making sure you were having a wonderful time.

"Come in?" You asked softly looking up at Elijah as he took a deep breath to control the urge to take you as the innocent look on your face was driving him wild.

"I would love to baby." Elijah tells you following you inside and you sat with him on the couch cuddling while watching t.v. Elijah had removed his suit jacket and tie to be more comfortable while you were trying to think on how to make the first move.

"What are you up to baby?" Elijah asked when you sat in his lap as you suddenly got shy as you weren't sure if you could be confident now but leaned forward kissing Elijah shyly. Elijah smirked against your lips kissing back his hands settled on your hips.

"Elijah......I....I'm ready." You whispered as Elijah cupped your cheek looking in to your eyes.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." You tell him as he stood up carrying you to your bedroom. Elijah softly kissed you while placing you on the bed.

"We can stop at any moment."

"Okay." You breathed as Elijah took off your dress before undressing hisself then moved between your legs watching you reaching up touching his chest. Elijah just let you explore him with your touch as he followed your lead. As Elijah touched your inner thigh you jumped making Elijah pause.

"Baby?"

"S..s..sorry just didn't expect it." You tell him as Elijah smiled softly leaning in kissing you. You moved your hands along Elijah's shoulders squeaking when he softly kissed your neck moving to your breast. You bit your hand as your face flushed and Elijah pulled away a bit smiling gently pulling your hand away from your mouth.

"Don't hide your sounds baby. I assure you that I don't mind how loud you are just let me know if you are uncomfortable."

"O...okay...Eli." You say as Elijah kissed you gently again and moved back to your breast pulling off your bra. You moaned softly when Elijah moved lower as a hand cupped your breast rolling a nipple with his thumb. Elijah reached your panty line, teasing you by running his mouth along your thigh listening to your whimpers.

"You're soaked already baby." Elijah teased lightly as his other hand touched your lace covered center. Your hips jerked at his touch as Elijah placed kisses on your abdomen his hands pausing at your hips.

"May I?"

"Ye...yes. please touch me." You whispered not trusting your voice as Elijah carefully removed your panties. Elijah dove between your legs pulling a loud squeal from you as he pulled you closer. Gripping your sheets tightly you moaned feeling Elijah slip two fingers into you stretching you out as his tongue flattened against your clit.

"Eli......jah....Please." You pleaded legs shaking as Elijah hummed against you sending vibrations up your spine curling his fingers in you. Elijah sucked on your clit moving his fingers in you as you arched cumming crying out.

"There we are baby. We can continue if you want but take a moment." Elijah said softly kissing your neck as you panted trembling. Elijah moves his rubbing your thighs letting you take all the time you needed.

"Can.....we....continue?"

"Yes baby. You can tell me to stop at any moment, you are in complete control."

"Okay." You said wrapping your arms around his neck as he held your hips and slowly entered your heat. Elijah was sure to stop once he bottom out waiting for you to give the okay listening to you whimpering as your walls flutter around him.

"Breath baby......fuck....you're so tight." Elijah breathed burying his face in your neck hiking your legs higher over his hips. You moved your hips as Elijah took that as an okay to move and his thrusted slowly and gently listening carefully listening to your moans and whimpers.

"Elijah." You breathed moving your hands along his chest then back feeling his muscles flex as he moved gently in you while kissing the valley of your breast. Elijah cupped your cheek kissing you gently before moving your neck as his thumb found your clit having you throwing your head back in silent scream.

Your vampire lover had picked up a bit of speed not too much to overwhelm you but just enough to pushing you closer to your peek. Elijah groaned feeling your tug on his hair as you both cummed you panted trembling whimpering when Elijah pulled out.

"Eli.....Eli?"

"Shhh I'll be right back baby." Elijah said softly running a bath before returning picking you up. You founded yourself in Elijah's lap in and a nice bath as he placed kisses on your shoulder.

"How are you feeling? Anything sore?"

"I'm tired and my legs feel like jelly....is that normal?" You asked leaning back against his chest as Elijah smiled chuckling rubbing your legs.

"It is baby. Now tomorrow we are going to relax." Elijah says softly smiling nuzzling your neck as you settled into Elijah feeling him wash you. You couldn't help but smile sleepy at how soft Elijah was being and cuddled up to the vampire when you both settled in bed.

"I love you, Elijah." You whispered making Elijah smile kissing your hand rubbing your back lulling you to sleep.

"I love you too, baby." Elijah said softly listening to you breathe softly as you fell asleep and he waited until you were sleep before falling asleep hisself.

[astrangergivingthestrangewelcome]

What I've learned in my old age is that the right writer can do vampires anywhere on the scale from sexy to unsexy, sympathetic to unsympathetic, funny to serious, but the key is they have to fully kill people. Like maybe they can feel bad about it or make an effort to kill rapists and pedophiles and shit but they have to fully take human lives on the regular. If you've got them drinking animal blood or blood donation blood you're already doomed to failure.