#to be clear my friends/mutuals can be as unhinged as they want on my posts

[statichvm]

some of y’all are way too comfortable saying weird shit on gifmakers posts

[gyuswhore]

the story of us ✦ j.w.w x reader

the story of us looks a lot like a tragedy now - the story of us

synopsis: So many walls that you can't break through; except you do.

wc: 2.1K

contains: best friends to lovers, angst, fluff, humour, happy ending, alcohol, arguments

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[a/n]: im exhausted, im loopy, im hungry, but i really wanted to post this so here you go my babies I'm sorry i haven't fed you in so long (ty @toruro for making sure i wasn't talking out of my ass in this ily)

[edit; 11/04/24]: grammar and spelling.

Jeon Wonwoo was nearing boiling point when he watched you push him away from yet another conversation.

He tried to understand, just like he always had. But it was proving near impossible at the five-month mark. 

There were clear signs you exhibited when you needed space, for whatever reason, Wonwoo knew you would tell him when you recovered. So he gave you what you needed.

And yet, when he finds himself pushed away from what looks like a casual conversation between your mutual friends, he finds his mild annoyance grow into something hotter. 

There’s a clench in his jaw as he tries not to squeeze the red cup in his hand with too much pressure, even when all the spiteful bit of his brain wants to do is to pour its pigmented contents all over your cream outfit. He manages to control himself, choosing to get up and exit the premises entirely. In complete silence, he refuses to acknowledge any yell of his name from passing acquaintances. 

Jeon Wonwoo refused to respond to any of your advances after that. 

Invitations to lunch were left on a jarring sent, the notification sitting in his log until he chooses to open it too late. His response was bare when you asked for help on some accounting concepts, pushing you over into Jihoon’s hands to fulfill your requirements. There’s a blatant shrug when you touch his shoulder, concerned, asking why his behaviour had become so distant in the past weeks; he responds with a mumble of, “just tired”.

The great divide happened a few days proceeding your birthday, one for which Wonwoo did nothing for but send you a quick message during the evening, never to see you throughout the extended day. 

“I can’t believe you’re putting this on me!” you all but yell, eyes wide and expression exasperated at the situation.

“Are you blind? Or just plain stupid? Because I didn’t tolerate months of your shit attitude to have you say it isn’t your fault.” Wonwoo is breathing heavily, hands motioning towards your entire figure with equal disbelief.

“What attitude?” you emphasize. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know I couldn’t be upfront with my best friend.”

“There’s a difference between being in a mood and blatant disrespect. I’m tired of having to put up with your mood swings like it’s my responsibility to coddle you. When was the last time you genuinely asked me how I was doing?”

“All the time!”

“Yeah, after you realize there's nobody else to whine and wail to!”

“Wonwoo, you’re being ridiculous.”

“Fine. If I’m clearly so unhinged, I’ll leave you to your liking.” 

The dwindled interactions, from messages to hellos, went from sparing to nonexistent — just like that. 

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t expect for you and Wonwoo to reconcile in the matter of a few days, if not a couple weeks.

But when the distance did nothing but grow larger, there was a settle of resentment in the pit of your stomach as you accepted the feud you were in. 

A text was sent from your phone a couple days after the incident.

[You]: can we talk?

But when you see no sign of the grey Delivered on the end, you knew he had blocked you. 

This was all nothing less than baffling to you for a number of reasons, starting with how you had never witnessed Wowoo acting this way. 

Wonwoo had done nothing but reprimand you the rare chance you suggested blocking an apprehensive individual, something about not showing that you cared. His voice seemed redundant after a certain decibel, the rarest chance to witness him yell at a failed video game or a frustrating professor. 

You know better, which is the only reason you’re ruling off paranormal possession. 

The claims against you came as an afterthought, not, however, rendering them any less strange. There’s a part of you that pondered if your shield of annoyance blocked you from seeing the truth in his words and in your behaviour, finding yourself overwhelmed with emotions when the thought crossed your mind, tears of frustration immediately blurring your vision. 

You did not understand, you could not. And when it all got too much, you allowed the hurt and confusion to turn into something more dangerous. You replaced it with anger, in the same place that once occupied a more delicate emotion. 

There was an uproar in Wonwoo’s mind when he sees you walk into the lecture hall, unaware of your overlapping schedule in the new semester. He watches as your eyes pass over the moderately packed space, briefly glancing over where he sat; if you saw him, you did nothing to bring a reaction out of it. You take a seat a few rows up front, right in front of him where he’s able to see the back of your head for the next two hours — for the rest of the semester. 

He wonders if it’s too late to switch classes. 

“Wonwoo, I honestly think this is getting out of hand.” Jihoon munches on his cashews, leaning against bark of the tree they were both sat under. 

“Did you want me to keep tending to her bullshit then?” he grumbles.

“That’s not what I’m saying, you know it’s not.”

“That’s what it sounds like.” Wonwoo’s retort is brisk.

Jihoon is suddenly snapping his fingers in his face at the reply, a flinch accompanies Wonwoo’s already sour expression. 

“See! See how frustrating it is when somebody isn’t making sense?” 

“How does this—” 

“Wonwoo, did you try talking to her about how you felt, you know, without the screaming?” 

Jihoon watches as Wonwoo’s expression clears out, his eyebrows unfurrowing and the scowl fading. He doesn’t speak, choosing to let the realization kick in.

“No.” 

Jihoon sighs, taking another pause. “I’m not saying what she did wasn’t uncalled for, but you need to talk shit out before deciding you hate each other.”

“I don’t hate her.”

“Right, so can we wrap this up quickly and have you confess your undying love so we can all relax.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Heat crawls up Wonwoo’s cheeks.

“What? If you don’t hate her, it’s gotta be the opposite.”

Did Wonwoo like you? Yeah, he probably did. Did he ever let himself ponder upon it? No, because he was downright mortified of the mere thought. He finds himself a hypocrite to say it was to preserve your friendship, but he figures he’s fucked it up in a way that’s arguably worse. 

Regardless, Wonwoo walks away from that conversation with two things: a stark realization, and an even starker admittance. 

Everything was going wrong. At least that’s what it felt like when you hear the clang of your water bottle hit the pavement, rolling off into the oncoming traffic as you sprint to grab it. You nearly cause a vehicle pile-up, swallowing a couple profanities from braking drivers. 

You’re stuffing the darn thing into your bag when you trip on a loose brick on the path, nearly landing on your face. The glare you send into the pavement costs you even more when a hard shoulder bumps into your side, sending you another couple steps back. You don’t bother to see who the perpetrator is, too preoccupied with your attempts to take in deeper breaths amid the blankness of your mind. 

There are no hiccups after that, what you might owe your more conscious mind to. Stomping up the library steps, you thank nothingness for the air conditioning that meets your hot face, slowing down as you take in the crowd. 

Scanning the room for an empty seat is harder than you’d anticipated, hoping the heat would keep students away from the building as you left to get work done. Approaching a table, you set down your bag with a huff, pulling the chair out to finally take the seat you’ve been needing for so long. 

The universe seems to have other plans. 

It’s almost funny the way you and Wonwoo make eye contact across the other table, the recognition sending a jolt through your stomach. 

You’ve never moved so fast, pushing the chair back in with a screech that earns you a few looks, grabbing the handles of your bag as you turn around to leave the building you’d just entered. 

No way you'd sit there. Not when he was around.

You're bounding down the steps when somebody passes you, murmuring something without slowing their stride.

“I’m leaving, you can go inside,” Wonwoo says, and the sound of his voice has you halting almost immediately.

Whipping your head around to search for the sound, you watch as he takes a turn at the end of the steps, slowly moving out of your vision. 

There’s a swirl of something in your chest, and you realise in that moment how much you missed hearing his voice. 

Chiding yourself, you blink back the water that wells up in your eyes, embarrassed at how quickly you were losing yourself.

But the damage was done. And you wanted to be reckless, regardless of how desperate it made you look. A split second decision is made in that moment, one that lightens the heavy feet that you’ve planted on the concrete. 

You’re back to bounding down the steps, but this time with aim. 

Taking the same turn you saw Wonwoo take, you break into a sprint as you see his figure move farther away. You keep running, continuing to bump into both objects and people, hurried "sorry"'s the only thing you choose to throw their way. 

“Wonwoo!” Your voice comes out stronger than you’d intended, the sharpness having him turn around in search, eyes landing on your accelerating figure. 

Both of you realize too late how fast you’re really going, the velocity taking you directly into his outstretched arms, hands grasping the sleeves of his shirt as you come to screeching stop directly into his chest. 

You don’t have the time nor the patience to be embarrassed, pulling your face back to look directly into Wonwoo’s bewildered eyes to huff out your next words.

“Why did you block me?” you ask, voice gruff and slightly out of breath.

Wonwoo’s mouth opens and closes like a fish, words refusing to come out. 

“Why are you so mad at me? Why are you being nice to me if you’re mad at me?” You don’t stop, the direct questions tumbling off your tongue in desperation. 

You search his face for an answer when his mouth fails, but all you find is the remnants of shock yet to ebb away. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making you feel like you weren’t important, I’m sorry for taking your presence for granted, I’m sorry for hurting you, I’m sorry for…for… I don’t know! I’m just really sorry and I don't know how else to make this right.”

“I’m sorry, too,” you hear him say and you feel the moisture return to your eyes. 

“Huh?”

“I should’ve…” he pauses, looking sheepish. “I should’ve talked to you before I, y’know, went off on you. I should’ve managed my feelings better, I’m sorry.” 

You're silent for a few tantalizing moments before you raise your fists, and pound down on his chest with everything you have. You do it again, and then again, and again—

“What?- Ow!” 

“When are you gonna stop bottling up your feelings for fucks sake, it’s landed you everywhere but good!” you say, nearly yelling.

Wonwoo whips his head around to see who’s listening, palm to mouth in attempts to silence you. 

“I’m sorry! I know! I’m working on it,” he rambles, trying to get you to quit struggling. “Jihoon and I talked, that’s why I realised I was being dumb.”

“Are you gonna unblock me now or do I need to pay Jihoon to sit down with you again?”

Wonwoo’s eyebrows furrow. “You payed Jihoon to sit with me?”

“No, you idiot. But I should have because you can’t seem to figure out how to feel emotions.” 

Wonwoo can’t help himself when he breaks out into a grin, letting out a breathy chuckle that has you asking “What?”.

He pulls you in, heart to heart in an embrace, holding you tight to make up for the weeks of no contact. He breathes in your scent and feels as though he hasn’t in years. 

“I’m not gonna come running up to you the next time you decide you hate me,” you mumble into his shoulder, pouting slightly.

“I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” 

“No.” Wonwoo pulls away but keeps you in his arms, looking at you, “I love you. Like, the kind of stuff that makes you wanna live together forever. I love you.” 

It’s your turn to gape like a fish. 

“W-what?”

“You told me not to bottle up my feelings.” 

“Yeah, but—wow, um.” 

“Did I make another mistake?” 

No! You wanted to scream. But you don’t. You instead lift your hands up to come around his face, cradling it. And you kissed him. 

“I love you, too. Like the live together forever kind.” 

[alienssstufff]

I wouldn't consider myself a analysist, because I'm not big brained nor have good enough memory for that; but like (and this may be my bias speaking) double life changed life!Pearl so much in the way it just amplified her already existing traits. She's very sheep in a wolf's clothing to me especially after dl made her even more disenchanted with the inherent isolation of later life sessions (what w/ being forced into that by day one of dl, immediately distrusted at a level only just barely below reds themselves). Like I could be getting the characterazation completely wrong, as I don't remember the seasons very well, but Pearl's playstyle very much feels like she's just capitalizing on her "hidden" chaos, being the kindest ally but also down to be unhinged when the moment calls for it, losing that kindness so fast in double life from being rejected and never getting it back nearly as strong as before. I feel like life!Pearl has gotten so use to the games and Watcher schennagins at this point that she just leans hard into the premise and her innate chaos <2 (can you tell she's my favourite character lol /silly)

Post-DL!Pearl I love her especially! Do I think she’s even more chaotic than she was in DL? No but for sure DL changed her like Whwhwh permanently she’s my fave winner bc of how prevalent that development is, to make those choices on her terms - not bc the game tells her to. Her POVs are very refreshing bc -in compare to everyone else- she’s so relaxed (bc she’s won before), and she makes it clear she’s not here to win (she already has)- she wants to have fun and uplift her friends :]

Her around ppl that aren’t her teammates is… a wildcard- but the trust in her allies is unshakeable. she reminds me of a mentor figure to them she wants what’s best for the team…. I don’t like the way ppl have been undermining the Mounders this season bc they aren’t attached at the hip 24/7, to Pearl they mean a lot to her SHE chose them and vice versa. so much that they’ll mutually go do things behind the other’s back that would help them survive in the long run and she trusts them with her LIFE. This especially between Pearl and Bdubs and their allyship makes me so delirious evrrytime she brings him up I’m getting Nosy Neighbours deja vu :[

“They’re Mounders (Joel and Bdubs), they would never betray me like that.” -Pearl ep6

“You can’t just TAKE him (Bdubs), he’s a Mounder.” -Pearl ep5 in the building competition

[the whole thing with Joel and Bdubs wasting their yellow-life guesses for Pearl ep6]

“I’m not here to win. I here for Bdubs to win.” -Pearl ep6

“I can’t. I can’t… she’s (Pearl) my biggest cheerleader. I can’t do that do her.” -Bdubs ep6

That part in SL Session 6 when Pearl, her dogs, and Bdubs hid in the skeleton farm away from the Wither/Warden fight, and when a red name (Martyn) found them- I wonder if she was ever scared the game would take Bdubs too like it did to BigB last season… I mean it already took Mumbo.

[puckpocketed]

on the topic of mutuals actually ! (+ my thoughts on blocking) long and winding non essay under the cut.

mutualism and friendship

it's come up semi-regularly in conversation in the past month-ish and i've been marinating on it so I guess I should write my thoughts down here.

i'm sure this isn't a groundbreaking brainwave no one has ever had before but uh . i think this is probably a product of having grown up with very little social media but i just dont particularly care for the concept of mutuals. i dont think about it. i think of people on here as friends first and mutuals second. "mutuals" is barely meaningful to me as a label other than shorthand for friends, and even then it is rendered useless by the fact that I think of some non-mutuals as friends.

idc if you follow my blog back, if we're regularly interacting and having fun then we are friends regardless of mutual status. the focus on "being mutuals" is, to me, a little impractical (and sidebar,, honestly its kinda crazy how divorced it is from the real human phenomenon of connection and friendship. hello!!!!! why we letting social media button supplant friendship and connection. not to be Old Man Yells at Clouds but what are we doing raising this generation to think about being mutuals and commenting/liking posts as some friendship obligation, on the same level as smiling at them or laughing with them. hello. what are we doing giving them anxiety about whether or not enough people liked their posts. what are we doing???? does someone wanna talk about this with me because it eats me up lmao)

I'd rather people follow me because they, idk, enjoy the little character bits i do + my unhinged liveblogging + occasional gifs and baking - rather than out of some obligation because we are friendly. don't put yourself through the ordeal of being flooded by sharks magma whenever they play a game just because we're friends LMAO i wouldn't do that for anyone if the situation were reversed !!

^on this topic, if I don't follow you back it doesn't mean I don't like you, I might simply not vibe with your blog. the decision to follow is not predicated on whether or not we have good rapport. it's literally just choosing to see your blog on my feeds. speaking as someone who has done a fair bit of leg work to curate my internet experience, following/not following is part of that. and I think of other people's choices this way as well. i think not vibing with my blog is fine! it is incredibly scattered and the content is NOT for everyone and that's okay.

on blocking

blocking simply aint that big to me. I don't take it seriously or personally if i somehow realise I've been blocked, and blocking others isn't personal for me either. to me it is, again, simply an act of dashboard curation. I think i'd be way more anxious if i thought about blocking in terms of liking/hating.

I block people for all sorts of reasons, silly or serious. Sometimes i'm just annoyed that day, sometimes they say stuff that is deeply offensive to me. There's a whole spectrum of feelings about the blogs subject to my blocking habits that fall between the two extremes. at the core of it, it's about not wanting to see them in my feeds. simple as that.

(by the by, I block from my main blog and not my side blog, so people can still see things from puckpocketed if they want, and I don't have to see them! WIN-WIN!)

blog =/= blogger. I try to keep this distinction clear in my head. when a person makes a post on their blog and I have a problem with it, whether it annoys me mildly (stupid rude shit on my posts) or genuinely offends me to my core (racism or something), blocking them is not about saying "fuck you". it is not the "I have moral highground" button. not to me.

everything falls under this umbrella: racism, misogyny, completely out of pocket comments on my posts, being mildly annoying. Blocking isn't personal because I don't actually know anyone well enough to hate them, and the act of curating my feeds ain't praxis. blogging isn't praxis. I have bigger fish to fry so to speak. I have a real life and people to care for and communities to build. I have poetry to read and dogs to say hello to. i got a whole life to live!

the content of someone's blog is a TINY portion of who they are when weighed against the rest of their existence. it is but a sliver of their life and their personhood. I see it like this: wouldn't like it very much if someone made sweeping conclusions about my personhood based on my blog posts, and so I try not to do that either. key word is try. I don't always succeed and I think that's okay. we are all doing what we can on this bitch of an earth <3 what is most important is I'm trying to give people the grace I'd want for myself. like . shit. isn't that what its all about?? (mini confessional: I was a mean and angry person for a long time. in some ways i still feel like i am. but learning kindness by studying it instead of having it baked into my brain chemistry or however the fuck other people get it has taught me that we have to try)

anyway if u are still reading this hiii!!! I'd say sorry i just wanted to put my thoughts somewhere but . well. its MY blog and i get to paste weird magazine cutouts and glitter to my walls if i wanna !!! thank u for ur time

[oingomyboingos]

2. Are there any popular fandom OTPs you only BroTP?*

21. What are your thoughts on crack ships?

22. Popular character you hate?

I FORGOT THE ANSWERS TO THESE WERE SITTING IN MY NOTES APP FOR DAYS OOPS anyway tysm for the ask <3

2. Are there any popular fandom OTPs you only BroTP?

hm, the only thing coming to mind rn is spones? spock and bones are lovely but i really just like their friendship and the way they push each other’s buttons. but like in a friend way. also i’m a spirk girlie. now, I HAVE read kirk/spock/bones before, and while I prefer k/s I did like that. both spock and bones adore jim so much and I can see the dynamic working well.

21. What are your thoughts on crack ships?

I think they’re hilarious lmao. canon is not the end all be all for me, and i love when fandom spins something out of nothing (provided it doesn’t take over the whole tag and prevent me from seeing other stuff i want to see). an example: about a year ago or so my dash was full of kristalia (kristoph/dahlia, ace attorney) posts with them in a mutually resentful lavender marriage both trying to fuck (over?) phoenix. i love two haters getting together out of mutual spite for a common enemy. combine their unhinged minds and you get sheer chaos. it was incredible.

22. Popular character you hate?

i’m struggling so hard here because lately i’ve found characters i dislike to be more boring than actively bad (i’m so sorry but worf falls into this category for meeeeeee i just don’t care about klingon politics.) If we’re talking active hatred okay uhhh throwing it back to my OG fandoms, I cannot stand amy pond (doctor who). karen gillian is a good actress—this isn’t a critique of her it’s the scripts. I found her relentless flirting with the doctor frustrating as hell. seemed clear to me she and rory did not have an open relationship and she wanted to cheat. it made me uncomfortable. rory’s so sweet I just felt terrible he got stuck w someone who can’t be honest w him. I also don’t like how moffat’s writing made river song’s story tie into the ponds’. I enjoy river, and felt that everything w her being their kid was clumsy. I preferred having her origins a mystery.

[rokiibrok]

I just saw your post abt requests and I RAN-

do you mind writing some mammon x genderneutral reader fluff about both pining for each other while also being in doubt about their feelings being mutual/oblivious? ♡

You are my first request🙊so hopefully I did you justice.

~

“This is too cute,”  Asmodeus held up an outfit in front of me.

“Should I ask him out?” I blurt out. “He’ll probably say no anyways- but maybe I should try,” Asmodeus lowered the outfit down to his waist.

“Don’t over think it to much. Trust me when I say he likes you,” Asmodeus puts the outfit down behind me on my bed then returned to my closet. “We might have to go shopping,” Asmodeus whispered to himself as he continued to rummage through my clothes.

“Why hasn’t he said anything then? It’s been years,” I pull my knees up to my chest. The tip of my feet hanging off the bed. My arms wrapped around my legs to keep me stable.

“The same could be said to you,” Asmodeus spoke. “He makes it painfully obvious that he likes you. It’s embarrassing really” Asmodeus pulls out an outfit,a small smile on his lips. “The flush face,constant stuttering, and don’t even get me started on the constant talking about you,”

“Does he talk about me constantly,” I unintentionally lean in towards Asmodeus direction. “Like how does he talk about me?” One of my foot slipped from the bed. I nearly fall but catch myself before hitting the ground. All while Asmodeus watched with a disapproving gaze. He cleared his throat and held up the outfit.

“Let him come to you at the dance,” Asmodeus lays the outfit down on the bed.

“What if he doesn’t?” I readjust myself on my bed.

“He will,trust me. Then once y’all are dancing lean in real close and ask him out,” Asmodeus watched me,waiting for a response.

“Leave I have to get dress before we’re late,” I change the topic and pick up the outfit Asmodeus picked for me.

“Okay,okay, but just in case I have a back up plan for you,” He said right before closing my door.

~

I leave my room looking for any of my brothers. Though I only find y/n leaving their room.

“Did they leave us!” I spoke aloud,looking around.

“They left us?” Y/n walked up towards me. My eyes wandered on their own,admiring the outfit y/n chose.

“I-it looks like it,” I look away not wanting to be weird. I hate how nervous I feel around them. How my heart flutters like butterfly wings. It feels like I like them- which I don’t. After all why would me,The Great Mammon have any interest in a dumb human. Even if they are somewhat attractive. My eyes glance over almost like they have a mind of there own,again. “Should we walk there together then?” I catch them looking at me too. Could they like me? It’s not like it would matter. “I can drive us,” I say leading the way to my car. “Why’d they leave us what the hell,” I run my fingers through my hair. Each strand gliding against my finger.

“That might be my fault,” Y/n sits in the passenger seat.

“Hm? How?” I hum in response and start driving towards Diavolo castle. Y/n fiddled with their fingers,looking down at the floor.

“That’s not important it’s something me and Asmo talked about,” Y/n spoke slowly, almost fumbling on certain words. It grew silent, it wasn’t awkward though. It was comforting in a way. I didn’t feel like I had to feel the silence. I almost caught my self wanting- no,needing more of this comfortable aura. Only one person able to give me that though. One person that makes me feel like I can be myself and not feel judge. If I could I’d keep y/n for myself,lock them in my room and relish in everything they’re willing to offer. But not only is that a little unhinged we’re just friends. Nothing more, they see me as a friend and so do I. Plus it would be odd for such an amazing demon like myself to date a mer human. I park the car and get out.

“You think Lucifer going to kill us for being late?” Y/n says as I open the passenger door.

“He better not, they left us,” I hold my hand out for y/n to grab. I felt my chest tighten as their fingers gripped my hands. Humans are all so small. I wanted to hold y/n hand just a little longer. “S-so we should go inside,” I pull my hand away too quickly. Was it too quick? Why do I care?

“Here they are,” Solomon waves at us as we enter the open area.

“You’re finally here,” Diavolo smiled wildly,his sharp,white teeth on display. “Almost didn’t think you two would make it,” The room was filled with all Seven Brothers, Diavolo,Barbatos,Mephistopheles,Luke,Simeon,Raphael,Solomon, and thirteen. All chatting,eating or dancing. Everyone here to celebrate the exchange program working perfectly.

~

“Do you,” Mammon looked away from me,his voice low. “Do you want to dance,” He paused looking at me,his cheeks flushed.

“Yea,I’d like that,”

“Yea,I figured,” Mammon regains his cocky attitude. “Who wouldn’t want to dance with me,” He flashed his sharp fangs. We walk closer towards the music. I catch a glimpse of Leviathan sitting at a table on his phone,beside him belphegor asleep. The music change from upbeat to slow before the previous song could finish,almost as if it was planned. “Should we slow dance?” Mammon held out his hand,waiting for me. Without a word I grabbed it. He pulled me in close,our chest mer inches apart. The moment was intoxicating,I wanted to tell him everything,give him everything I had to offer. Though the fear of being rejected and only seem as a friend held me back. So,for now, I’ll enjoy this moment. This moment where it feels like it’s only me and him in all three realms. One of his hands wrapped delicately around my hand. As if he’s holding glass,any tighter and I’ll crack. His other hand on my back,keeping me close. I won’t say anything to ruin this moment but I’ll enjoy it. I rest my head on Mammon chest. His heart beat thumping with the slow rhythm. He laid his head on top of my forehead. Friends or not I felt like lovers in a Disney movie. His white hair tickled my forehead. He had no idea how tempting he is for me. Though I may not be a demon I am always tempted to give my every being. But for now I’ll wait,for him.

Sorry this took forever- but I really hope you liked it 🫶

[enhypia]

JS ; exes

exes answers questions with the choice of drinking instead of answering

pairings: park jongseong x gn!reader

genre: angst, mild fluff

words: roughly 1.7k

masterlist ⸺ series masterlist

~guides and warnings~

italics - reader speaking

bold - jay speaking

[enclosed] - interviewer speaking

italicized bold - both reader and jay speaking

[enclosed bold or italics] - question (depends on who's speaking)

heavily inspired by: rec.create lie detector games, cut truth or drink

warning: contains and mentions of !!! drinking, swearing, neglect, breaking up

i don't promote underage drinking, save your livers

-ˋˏ✄┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

hello, i'm (y/n)

and i'm jay

we're (awkward eye contact)

uhh we're exes

[you guys were invited here today as exes for a fun little drinking game, you guys were aware of that right?]

yes

yup

*interviewer shuffles awkwardly

sorry it's just, our friends were the ones who signed up for us

yeah, we just found out about it three days ago

[but are you guys still okay with doing this?]

we're okay

just give us a few minutes to get used to environment

*(y/n) chuckles

[okay, for this game, questions will be asked and if you refuse to answer, you drink, it's that simple. are you guys ready? should we start?]

*jay nods

ready as i'll ever be

[how long were you guys together?]

we were together for almost 3 years

[how long have you guys been broken up?]

about a year and a half now

[who broke up with who?]

i did they did

[why did you break up with him?]

so this was all a year and a half ago okay? no coming for jay, he's grown, we've grown

thanks?

you're welcome

*jay laughs

uhh.. it just really reached a point where i felt neglected in a way? and it was just tiring? i kept thinking 'do i deserve this treatment?' and i hated that i was doubting everything, including his feelings. so i just said let's talk about it and then yeah we split up

*jay drinks and (y/n) laughs

sorry sorry

nah i just needed that

[okay, how about we officially start the q&a portion between the of you now?]

*both nod and played rock paper and scissors to determine who gets to ask first, jay wins

*he picks up a card and facepalms after seeing the question

goddamn

should i be scared?

not sure, but you might opt to drink though

[do you blame me for what happened to us?]

oh my god *(y/n) laughs

i know right

so we're unpacking emotions today? okay noted

you can just drink if you're not comfortable with it

i'll drink but i'll still answer, might ease your mind no?

*jay couldn't stop his head from nodding

*(y/n) drinks

i admit that i blamed you at first, but then i got to thinking that it wasn't just you, i was also at fault too since i never really vocalized what i felt? i just let it build up until it reached the point where you couldn't do anything about it anymore, and i couldn't too.

yeah but it's more of my fault since i felt something was wrong but i just brushed it off, i brushed you off.

....

shot?

*jay smiles slightly and both raised their glasses to cheers before drinking

we were both at fault and i don't blame you, jay. i hope you stop blaming yourself

*(y/n) smiles softly then picks up a card to stop any reply they might get from jay

god why are these questions so heavy? it wasn't like this from other episodes

*jay and crew laugh

okay, hit me

[what's your biggest regret about our relationship?]

what the fuck

SEE ?!

*both laugh and jay drinks

okay, next question

no, i'm answering

[we won't stop you but just reminding you both that it's okay not to answer if you drink]

the alcohol releases the unhinged-ness

in other words, this is really just us using the alcohol to actually say what we feel

i think you already the answer, and it's that i didn't do anything about us even if i felt something was wrong. i just kept on focusing on my career that i reached a point where i brushed everything off as nothing. and in the end, while i got the success i wanted, somehow i also feel like i'm on the losing end really.

*(y/n) drinks making jay laugh

what? it's my first time hearing all this !

it was a rough break so

omg is this our closure ???

*jay's eyes widened

and it's filmed ?!?!

*everyone laughs

couple goals *(y/n) does a hashtag

oh wait *(y/n) looks at jay

exes goals *both do a hashtag pose

*they laugh, ignoring the sting in their hearts

okay, okay moving on

*jay laughs again

is it a heavy one again?

nope

[do your friends hate me?]

*(y/n) bursts out laughing

please 😭

we have the same friends

we share a lot of mutual friends

that's why there was like tension for a month in the friend group because no one knew what to do

i'm sorry you had to endure all that friends

remember when they literally made an organized schedule to hang out where we wouldn't see each since the break up was still fresh?

yeah like i got heeseung on tuesdays

and i got him on thursdays

😭😭😭

we love them though, they did their best to console us both

thanks guys <33

*(y/n) picks up a card

goddammit

[do you think we could've actually worked out our problems?]

i think it's unfair that i get a lot of heavy questions

i have the power of god and anime on my side today

i think we could've, if i just had taken the actual time to reflect and sit down and talk, we could've worked it out.

*(y/n) slaps jay's arm

i told you, stop blaming yourself

k

*(y/n) rolls their eyes

*jay picks up a card and

oh

what?

*he is stuttering guys, he is fidgeting

[do you wish we were still together?]

oh

yeah

.....

*both drink

i mean-

*jay has been paralyzed, he did not expect (y/n) to answer

i'm happy where i am right now, maybe there are moments of weakness that the thought crosses my mind but i don't dwell on it too much. i think we're both still learning and growing.

*jay doesn't want to think about the fact that (y/n) never said a clear yes or no

*(y/n) picks up a card and groans

please just drink to this

why?

[what do you think of me now?]

....

drink.

no?

why?

because-

why?

i'm answering

why?

i want to?

no.

right now i'm just really proud of you.

*WORLD PAUSE, (y/n) is malfunctioning

it's a little sad that i didn't get to witness a lot of it but i promise i watched from afar and i'm so proud of you. like it makes me feel lighter in a way? knowing that you're still going and pursuing your dreams. it just made me at ease that -

*(y/n) drinks, looking very much like snow white's apples

are you blushing?

jay i will kick you

*he laughs and pinches (y/n) cheeks making them redder, (y/n) slaps his hands away

i won't hesitate bitch

how about you huh?

[what do you think of me now?]

*jay you should know not to tease too much or else it'll bite you back

i think you're absolutely amazing.

*jay could only blame himself

i am in constant awe and there's this pride that i have in me whenever i see you thriving. it's weird because i thought i'd be bitter about it, but since i knew of your goals and how passionate you were, all i felt was pride. it did hurt a little that i couldn't go "that's my baby!" anymore.

*alert! jay's ears are red and it's spreading to his cheeks and neck

okay next question!

*he quickly picks up a card making (y/n) burst out laughing

everything i said was true though.

hajima. stop. pause. i'm not listening

*(y/n) laughs at flustered jay

this is the last one.

[question for both: if you could tell me anything, what would you say?]

sheesh

same

rock paper scissors? loser goes first

*jay wins

*(y/n) drinks

can you turn around for this one, like don't look at me.

*jay followed

i want to say that,,,, that it's not your fault for putting your future first. it kind of stung since you made me feel like i wasn't a part of it but i know that wasn't your intention. i understand your actions and i don't blame you. if i was in your position i probably would've been the same. i'm sorry that i didn't try harder, like you said we could've made it work but i just got so tired, i hope you can forgive me for that as well.

okay i'm turning around as well, your turn

*(y/n)'s eyes are glassy, but jay doesn't need to see that

i want to say that i'm sorry for neglecting you. i feel like you're tired of me saying sorry but that's really all i could do. i forgive you by the way even if i don't get why you're apologizing to me. i also want to say that, it wasn't you. it sounds cliche but you weren't the reason i became like that, it was me. it was never you. so please don't blame yourself for anything. please don't question your worth because you were more than enough.

yah i didn't want to unpack that

well i still know you and i was given the chance to say it now so

*(y/n) turns around wiping tears, jay is sniffling

i need a drink damn

*(y/n) pours a shot and jay as well, both drink after clinking their glasses

[you guys good?]

*both looks at each other and chuckles

we're good

i can't believe we have to thank our friends for setting this up

*jay groans

[care to answer one last question that is in everyone's minds' right now?]

oh god

is it what i think it is

[will we see you guys be featured again? maybe exes to couples again?]

let's drink!

*both take one last shot and waves to the camera

*(y/n) shrugs and jay winks

bye~

»————-　♡　————-«

bonus: youtube comments (peep last one)

masterlist ⸺ series masterlist

a/n: i was planning to post this sooner but my pharma prof suddenly dropped a 6-page activity lmao rip, im scheduling the timestamps i forgot to post last update sorry sorry. my angst skills are subpar forgive me but i tried my best. i hope you like this one too !! jake's will be uploaded next ! please look forward to it <33

[dontbotherwiththepronunciation]

Characters/dynamics in ASOIAF that were confirmed by GRRM to be partly inspired by I, Claudius

Stannis —> Tiberius

Admittedly, not the later post-coronation Tiberius who becomes a perverted tyrant, but the pitiable Tiberius who desperately wishes to be loved and is extremely vexed and miserable by the awareness he isn’t. Every time l remember Stannis being based of Tiberius, I can't help but cackle and then I want to cry. That is such a mean thing to do.

The Cressen POV chapter makes it abundantly clear too, specially when Cressen compares him to his brothers.

Also,

"They will not love me, you say? When have they ever loved me? How can I lose something I have never owned?"

"Well, don't bother on my account! I'm sick of it! The gods know I've done my best! He never liked me. Never!"

Tyrion —> Claudius

Tyrion & Jaime —> Claudius & Germanicus

Tyrion & Cersei —> Claudius & Livilla

This one is very obvious if seen through the familial relationships. Cruel parent who hates them and openly despises them, a brother who loves them dearly, a sister who makes their life miserable. Both of them suffer through the populations ableism, both end up in positions of power where they exceed all expectations. Claudius is though much less vile than Tyrion manages to become over time.

Characters/dynamics in ASOIAF I think have a few uncanny parallels to characters/dynamics in I, Claudius.

Genna —> Julia (Is far more intelligent than people assume, more politically savvy than their husbands, “was beautiful but became fat”, the aunt who was loving and kind to their disabled nephews who suffered greatly at the hands of their families)

Joffrey, Tyrion & Sansa (and maybe Ramsay, Theon & Jeyne if you squint) —> Caligula (Unhinged evilness mocking the disabled and diminished characters + forcing them into sexual acts with younger and very scared girls), Claudius (disabled character taking a protector type of role towards the girl while continuing to be subjugated by their mutual abuser) & Messalina (younger girl forced into marriage by their abuser)

Robb, Jon, Theon—> Germanicus (Golden boy of the world, a prodigy at councils and battles, close relationship with mother and sibling hated by mother, has the loyalty of many even after death, wife continues condemning the murderers of her husband), Claudius (looked down upon by the rest of the world, the family’s shame, rises above the expectations of the world into a position of power), Herod (libertine, smiling immigrant living in a foreign place with politically superior family since childhood, misses his home but is practically a stranger there (although he is the heir), family is crazy, ultimately betrays best friend and is “punished” for it)

Jaime, Cersei & Joanna —> Caligula, Drusilla & Agrippina (“what do you mean my kids are being incestuous? They are just very close and loving, but there’s nothing wrong with- oh. Oh. OH.”)

Targaryen dynasty —> Claudian family (

)

Petyr & Lysa (and if you squint Sansa) —> Sejanus & Livilla (Rose to power through carefully working through rulers, always aspires for more, seduces noble woman into poisoning her husband for his political gain (and if you squint Helen (was seen as a romantic threat by the women that were supposed to protect them and thus almost killed) )

Bran —> Claudius (I know that GRRM has openly said he based Tyrion on Claudius, but right now (probably tainted by the fact my legs aren’t working properly either), I think he might have unconsciously based Bran on Claudius more than he thought.)

Both of them are prophesied to become important characters in history, both of them deny and defy that destiny, both of them initially actively dislike the idea of becoming such figures (Bran wanted to be a knight, not the Three-eyed Raven, and Claudius wanted to reinstall the Republic instead of becoming Emperor himself) and both of them end up accepting it when adviced by very dear and trusted friends

The connection to their respective wolf cubs.

Disability and ableist aliases (“Claudius the Cripple” “Bran the Broken”)

Being lovingly referred as or compared to monkeys by friends

Surviving a lot of stuff most people wouldn’t survive

Their childhood love interests/crushes are young, friendly, joyous, agile and adventurous girls. I find it also a little remarkable that Meera is a huntress while Camilla is the Etruscan name for the Greco-Roman goddess of the hunt.

And well, if going by GOT both of them are unexpected rulers who never had that ambition for themselves, but somehow ended up as Emperor/King

Probably a stretch, but I think there might be something there (but it’s still a huge stretch)

Ramsay & Roose —> Nero (flamboyant, ugly but fashionable, brutish heir with a flair for the dramatics) & Agrippinilla (brains behind the death of the former ruler, despises their son but uses them as a tool and sets them as heir (and if going by GOT both of them are also ultimately killed by their sons) ). If going by non-canon I, Claudius, but instead simply by Roman history, another detail that could add to Ramsay=Nero, could be the existence of Sporus (Theon), Nero’s third wife. A young handsome boy who caught Nero’s attention, something very tragic. Nero “fell in love” with Sporus and thus, raped him, castrated him, married him (yes. He was emperor. This is not the craziest stuff to happen in Rome), forced him to behave and be perceived as female and referred to him by the name of Popea Sabina (Reek-Heke), his former wife and a gift from his (adopted) father. Basically, he forced Sporus into taking the identity of a deceased person and built them to become that person….sounds awfully familiar if you asked me…

Not a stretch, but the similitude is simply very superficial: The Tyrion/Sansa wedding and the Claudius/Urgulanilla wedding have some obvious resemblances too. The height difference, the public mockery and humiliation, non of the people in these weddings being particularly excited about the wedding night (although for different reasons. (Urgulanilla is a lesbian (Although, who knows, Maybe Sansa is one too...))

Also if Tiberius=Stannis, then here is a complicate done Melisandre=Thrasyllus position + Livia's ambitions. We love two messy prophetic divas who can't make clear visions about the future and are working for some very disagreeable men because the even more disagreeable women in those men's lives asked them for it. On the other hand, Melisandre is much more ominous than Thrasyllus, if anything her perseverance and her belief in Stannis as the prince who was promised is more reminiscing to Livia's never-fading ambitions for Tiberius to become emperor, mixed with her "prophetic chickens". Davos acts as an opposite. His position of advicer and hand is closer to that of Livia's, but his personality is much closer to Thrasyllus' anxious, "I just want peace", and affable personality.

[parismystere]

i also think another important thing about the 'what is salt' thing is that maybe, labeling something as salt or not-salt is about trust. when you make your name, even in social groups as silly as fandom places, people get the idea of the kind of person you are, what your biases are (we all have them!), if you have demonstrated that you can be engaged in a civil manner, if you are thoughtful, if you are a glass half full or a killjoy person, etc. if someone whose posts you like, respect and enjoy says that they dislike something in ml, you are much more likely to listen and take their opinion into consideration. their opinion shouldn't overrule yours - but if you like, you could even debate your points as long as you keep things nice.

as an example, i tend to greatly dislike the blogs whose sole reason for existence is to meticulously write down instances of wrongdoing towards a character, or just blogs who have been a meeting place for hatred of ml for years, when it's clear that it isn't people communicating their grievances, it's people hate-watching at best. i care less about their content than the principle of the thing - running a blog solely for hate-watchers is unhealthy and a waste of time; the cult aspect makes me want to scream; the distortion of the canon is annoying. so because i have the idea that these people are a little insane, i am not willing to take them seriously and therefore respect them enough to engage. and that is, really, the only group of people in the fandom i don't want to interact with, ever - not for their content, but for their approach.

a similar but inverted situation happens with people i am mutuals with, friends with, people who i have noticed to have good ideas and analyses, etc - because i have this idea of them being a genuinely nice and intelligent person whose ladyblogging i enjoy, even if they post something as #ml salt, i am definitely not going to label them as salty or a salter. for me these are the people whose unhappiness with the show is most valuable - because i know it comes from a place of thought and care, it isn't a superficial reaction, it isn't trolling, it isn't something that isn't rooted in an argument. that's why the kuro neko trailer drama hurt - i felt that some of the most thoughtful people on here couldn't express what they really think because everyone who had genuine reasons to be upset with the episode was dismissed as... being salty out of nowhere? if people had more trust instead of being hostile, if they took the time to familiarize themselves with the original posters, if people were more mature and spent time engaging with each other instead of drowning each other out - who knows?

and, really, i am begging you, can we allow people to just... react? because that has also somehow become forbidden. can we be allowed to be as unhinged as people too invested in a freaking cartoon should be if something new happens? can we not go policing each other?

my rule of thumb is: if someone i like seeing on my dash or has impressed me with their opinions, creations, contributions and so on, is being salty, whatever your interpretation of the word is, then they are probably rightfully mad about something, even if you don't feel the same way.

toxic positivity, forcing yourself to like things just because the canon has written them just so, worrying what it means if you dislike something in ml... i say this as kindly as possible, but this is something everyone should let go. don't allow others to dictate your opinions or to feel like you can't share what you think, as long as you are being respectful and coming from a place of genuineness.

[blackenedwhite97]

Trials ( An Erasermic x Reader Medieval AU Ch.17-18)

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

 https://blackenedwhite97.tumblr.com/post/643722830321696769/trials-an-erasermic-x-reader-medieval-au

CHAPTER 17

White hot light seared into your eyes, sharp pain running from temple to temple. Your throat was raw, your skin felt waterlogged and frozen, and your back was screaming under strain. You were on your knees, arms outstretched to your sides and bound to a horizontal beam balanced on a post where your shoulders were mounted. You blinked hard, the midday sun glaring directly at you, and looked around. You were facing the open valley, the singed farmhouse far off to your left and one of the vacant homes closer to your right. You were quite strung up in the middle of the road at the entrance to the village, muddy slush up to your mid thighs. You tried to examine your binds pulling against them to test the strength of the rope and quality of the knot. When nothing happened but friction burns biting into your skin you realized you were going to have to cut yourself free.

You couldn't see behind you and with the piercing headache from oxygen deprivation, you couldn't focus on listening very well. Your heart was pounding in your ears so loudly that the white noise of nature and any movement behind you was completely drowned out. You closed your eyes to help your focus, picturing one of the serrated knives you stole days ago. Just as the handle began to form in your hand and hand clamped down on your wrist and it blinked away, not by your doing. Your eyes sprung open and looming above you was a tall man with a grizzled face and dangerous eyes.

He wore a half suit of armour, a long lavish quilted tunic falling past his breast plate to protect his legs. He smiled a nasty sort of smile that if had been standing your knees would have gone weak. He looked cruel. There was a small part of you, behind all the fear that was suddenly rushing forward and taking over, that wondered if this was Kozan. He struck you with the kind of fear the idea of Kozan had, afterall. You ushered that thought from your mind, any older man in House Noro heraldry could be Kozan. You couldn't let yourself succumb to that fear just yet.

"Little trick of my own." He gruffed. His voice was harsh like his throat had been torn up by a wild beast and ever full healed, his words wounded painful. " Similar to one of your men's abilities, although he was blessed with more range than I."

He lifted his hand off of your wrist, the dull purple glow of conjuration flaring up against. Then he placed his hand on your neck and pushed your head up so you were looking at him, you felt the conjuration fading away. You realized he was talking about Shouta and your teeth instantly began to grind, anger seeping through your fear.

"That bastard could have been so fucking helpful in the war." he growled. "Could have done what's right."

Anger roared up inside your chest, like wild flames began to warm and consume you. You clenched your fists tightly and narrowed your eyes. The right thing. Shouta had done the right thing.

"Son of a whore." you hissed. "You murdered innocent people."

"So," The man dropped his head and laughed as if you'd just told a silly joke, it was genuinely entertained. He looked back up at you, a glint of something unnerving in his eyes. "he's told you about me? Hm, you must be important to him, he was cold and mule and deaf mule when I knew him."

You begin to shake under his grip, his lip twitches and you realize he thinks that you're shivering in fear. You're positively livid now, this man had to be Kozan. You're clenching your teeth so hard that you can hear your teeth scraping down on eachother, your knuckles turning white from how hard you're clenching your fists. Your arm twitched, instinctively attempting to throw a punch, but the binds stopped you.

He seems not to notice, or rather elects not to.

"Exterminated. I'm an exterminator of vermin and all beings against nature. It's while God gave me the gift he did." he drums his fingers against your throat. "Murder would imply that the things I exterminate are human."

You grimace at his words. He was sick, deranged.

"That boy you killed- you murdered- was a real piece of shit if I'm totally honest. However, he was a piece of shit born into a long line of hunters of practitioners of the dark arts and-" He ran his thumb over the hollow of your neck absentmindedly, lost in his preachings.

"I know who you are." you spat angrily. "I know who he was."

His hand clamps down on your throat, the other reaching up and pulling your head back by your hair. Your eyes, already swimming with dark spots, blur. You can feel the vein in your forehead bulging and your whole body shaking for air and you think, just for a moment, that this is finally it. And you wished it wasn't so painful.

But then his hand lets go of your throat and you heave it a deep breath, choking and sputtering through a bruised airway. You take the brief moment his hand is away from you to try and conjure a blade but nothing forms as he tugs harder on your hair. You growl in frustration and pain, the contact with your hair must be enough.

"Now, generally speaking, I enjoy a good old hack and slash job." he spoke casually, as if he wasn't violently manhandling you. " And when I got the letter about you it felt like it was below my pay grade, after all you were weak enough to get captured by the local law. So, I Sent a handful of my boys up north to make sure you were dead on execution dayinstead of going myself, but our mutual friend and his fucking mutt had other plans."

You flinched at the mention of Hizashi. It was enough that he hurt Shouta, it was enough that he knew Shouta was involved with you at all, but knowing that hizashi was also on his radar struck fear into you. He cocked his head to the side like an animal hearing something for the first time, his cruel grin growing manic.

"I have it on good authority there is a handsomely sized search effort for you from the ant hill you insects swarm to." He declared, his hand in your hair tugging you along as he emoted. " So now, as retribution for the inconvenience you've caused me for the last six months, I'm taking the liberty to use you as my bait."

You growled. It was a frustrated growl, an angry growl and a sad mournful noise all in one. You had been so sure that you were the only one who would get hurt in this plan. You hadn't thought Toshinori would allow anyone else out of the fortress after you. You had been so sure you'd somehow brought this upon the people of Kaer Yuuie by refusing to die when you were supposed to, by being careless enough to leave the necklace behind, by needing saving in the first place, that you had been fighting some kind of wrong in the week. But now, you'd fed into this monster and his plan and now you were even greater of an endangerment to the people of Kaer Yuuie. Despite yourself you started to cry, humiliated and tears ran down your face.

Kozan grinned at you, a wild unhinged fondness sparking in his eyes. "That's a sight"

Despite his vicious hold on your hair his other hand was gentle as it stroked your cheek, following the trail of tears. You looked away, down at the muddy road and tried to stop crying.His sick enjoyment of your pain making your stomach churn.

"I do need a few things from you before this is all over." He said casually, looking at his wet fingertips. 'For started, where's the fortress."

You laughed at his bluntness.

"Eat shit." you spat.

He raised his free hand in a fist, bringing it down hard across your face. Your head snapped to the side, pulling against the grip he still has on your hair. White sparks flicker across your vision, but you blink them away quickly. Unphased, he moves on.

"Toshinori Yagi, is he there." He asked, calmly.

"Eat shit." you muttered again.

Again he brings his hand down and again your vision sparks white but this time you're sure he broke skin. He shoves your head back into the beam you're bound to and holds it there, the bruised flesh of your scalp crushing into the wood painfully. You winced but kept your reaction to a minimum simply taking a deep breath against the pain. You wanted to cry, you wanted so badly to scream but he would love that and you wanted nothing less than to do him any favors.

"Abilities," He started. "lay them out for me. Who'd out there in the woods, hm?"

"Eat." you spit. "Shit."

Again he brings his hands down, this time you lip bursts. The inside of your mouth fills with blood and you can feel a warm stream trickling down your chin. Both the inside and teh out were busted in just that one hit. Your jaw throbs in time with black spots that filled your vision, pulsing until they became smaller and smaller.

"That loud mutt," you instantly spit blood at him earning a shove against the beam. "what can he do? Logistics."

"Eat-" you didn't get to finish. This time it was several punches, his poised interrogator exterior cracking. Your bleeding heavily now, the dark spots won't go away and one of your eyes down fully open.

Now, you think to yourself, this is it. This is far more painful. You shudder, the only way your head is still being held up with Kozan's fist balled in your hair. He rolled his shoulders and stretched his neck and let go of your head, letting it fall painfully forward. The small preservationist part of you screams for you to conjure something quickly but your mind is swimming and you can't focus on a clear object.

"Let's start again." he growled, clearly no longer entertained but frustrated now. "Where is the fortress?"

You can't muster any words, you just sloppily spit as much blood towards him through your swollen lips as you can. He rears up for a punch, this time he's not holding onto you so he can use his full force and you brace yourself for unconsciousness. A smaller figure entered your blurred vision just as the punch was about to be thrown and Kozan dropped his fist with a disappointed sigh. You couldn't hear much of what was being said through the blood rushing in your ears but was somewhat relieved when Kozan turned away from you.

"Regretfully," he said in a low voice, more clearly than he's managed to sound all day "I have to cut out time today short. Your friends are causing trouble."

You watched as he walked away, his figure becoming less and less the image of a man but a shrinking blurred smudge and your eyes darken. The sun,still high in the sky, beat down on you. For the second time in your life you were left, bound to rot away under the sun for all to see. You started to cry, miserably and weakly.

CHAPTER 18

You start awake at the feeling of something touching your face, impulsively pulling away. You whimper at the sudden movement, every part of you hurt.

"Hey," a soft, sweet familiar voice like honey whispered. " It's me, it's us."

Your right eye refused to open anymore, and your left was bleary and tear filled. You looked forward, praying to see the face you knew that voice belonged to. When you saw those bright emerald eyes and heavenly flaxen hair your heart sputtered in your chest. You let out a sob, forgetting for a moment how close he was to danger, all you could feel was relief. Behind him you spotted a pale face surrounded in dark curls that faded into the night, tears falling from dark tortured eyes.

Seeing him, his tears and his fear suddenly breathed clarity into you.

"Run." you whimpered.

"No." Hizashi declared, an unusual severity in his voice. "Sho. Bindings."

Shouta blinked hard and rushed towards you, his hand gently found your cheek as Hizashi slipped sideways and pulled out a knife. For a brief second, you could see the valley before you before Shouta filled your vision and it was chaos. There was fire and lightning and flashes of bright orange. Every time the world lit up for a half second you caught sight of clashing blades and blood-soaked armor. A howl shattered the sky around you, an accompanying chorus of screams followed.

"Look at me." Shouta whispered, pulling your face towards him. He was shaking, he was scared. You wanted so badly to reach out to him and to hold him, you take him away from here.

"Who did this to you?" he asks, more to himself than you. He's surprised when you muster an answer.

"K-Kozan." you muttered against his hands. "Run."

Shouta's breath caught in his throat and he froze, rigid as a wooden doll. Even Hizashi pauses for a moment before carelessly tearing through the bindings, knicking your knuckle in the process. You're in too much pain to really notice and he's obviously too upset to either. An arrow whizzes past you and Shouta dangerously close to his head and he's suddenly brought back to reality. He curses and steps forward, catching you as you slump forwards as Hizashi cuts the bindings around your shoulders.

"I'm going to fucking kill him, Sho." Hizashi spat, slashing at the last set of bindings.

"Zash, I know but we have to stay calm." Shouta breathed, clutching you close to his chest. "We're in and out tonight, it's about Y/n tonight."

Hizashi kicked the beam you were stung up on, shaking in fury. He was so angry hot tears streamed down his face, and he threw his knife hard into the distance with a fowl growl. "Next time- fucking dead."

"Okay," Shouta appeased him, shifting your weight around so he could scoop you up. He was looking away from you, purposefully up at the sky or Hizashi. "For now we go."

You forced yourself to look up at Shouta, you needed to keep an eye on him. This was your fault he was here, near them again. Near Kozan. You gripped his tunic weakly and let out a sob, without looking at you he tightened his hold on you

"I-I- sorry-" you choked out. "s-sor-ry."

"Stop." he eventually muttered as he stood with a grunt. "It's not your fault."

"I-I brought him he-" You sobbed.

"Stop." Shouta said again, his voice cracking. "He would have found us eventually. Stop it."

You want to wrap your arms around him, you want to thank him, you want to be lying in bed between the both of them happily peering through the window at the stars. You felt so broken, so weak and tired and you wanted so badly to just rest. Real rest, not tucked away between two rocks for an hour of shallow sleep nor passed out in a snow covered field. Shouta began to move, turning towards the tree line.

Hizashi shouted, the ground shaking for a moment, and then you were blindsided. You hit the ground hard, air rushing from your lungs, the stone filled muddy snow biting into your skin. You gasp for air still reeling for the sheer force you were launched sideways with. You struggle to your knees and look up, adrenaline flooding your system. Everything still hurt, every movement srang tears in your eyes, but you need to find Hizashi and Shouta.

Before you see Shouta, face down in the snow. He's barely moving, his head lifted mere centimeters from the ground, dark red dripping from his forehead. Beyond him, a large horse clattered to a stop in the snow, one of the hoove impressions red with blood. Atop the horse is a rider, struggling to control the horse. The horse gave one good buck and threw the rider forward, clamoring away once it was free of him.

You scramble to the side, out of the horses' path needlessly and a volley of arrows pierced its side. It stumbled and sways and eventually hit the ground hard, falling hard on top of Shouta's legs. He hissed and reached out, trying to find anything to use as leverage to free himself. You start forward on uneasy legs, no sure of what you'll be able to do when you eventually get to him.

Shouta grasps in pain and the horse's body lurches, a dark figure appearing over top of the horse blade draw. In the fiery chaos of the valley you see Kozan as he was always meant to be, a mad man driven by war and chaos. You could see the bloodlust coursing through him as she stood, blade raised and simmering in the flames of war.

"Aizawa!" He bellowed triumphantly.

Shouta began to struggle wildly, he was calm and collected in the face of anything you'd ever seen thrown at him but this broke your heart. You hated this man, you hated him more than anything.you hated what he did to Shouta, what he did to all those people he killed and what he did to you and your life. If there was anyone who deserved hell, it was him. Suddenly the world shifted again, this time it was shattering around you and a high pitched ringing flooded your ears.

Kozan stumbled backwards off of the horse, his eyes wide and dazed. He howled in pain, gripping the sides of his head and he fell. You realized that it must have been Hizashi and took this opportunity to crawl to Shouta's side.

"Run!" Hizashi shouted at a normal volume, rushin forwards to pry Shouta out from under the horse. The two of you pulled him free and you and he collapsed into each other. Together you scrambled towards the trees, neither of your bodies able to carry your weights very well. Hizashi stayed ten paces behind, shouting deadly waves of sound backwards. Shouta's leg caved in with a sickening snap and he pushed you away from him as he slid down into the snow so as not to take you down with him. You slipped and laid but scrambled backwards to him just in time to hear a terrible silence. Hizashi had stopped screaming.

You looked up as you slid into the snow next to Shouta to find Kozan, blade drawn and ripping with blood. He was no more than ten paces behind Shouta, Hizashi falling backwards away from him, clutching his upper chest and neck. Your blood ran cold as blood oozed between Hizashi's fingertips. Kozan swayed on the spot, blood dripping from his ears, the veins in his neck pooled with blood.

With strength you shouldn't have had you dashed forward. You barely had enough time to each Kozan before he brought his blade down again. You crashed into him with all of your weight, if he hadn't been hit directly with Hizahi's sound waves you're sure he could have just shoved you off. You clamoured to the ground with him, his breastplate hitting you hard in the head flooding it with momentary white. Then he was on top of you, straddling your chest, hands wrapped firmly around your throat. The bright white lights from the impact of his breastplate fade down into growing black spots. It was so quick this time, your body and lungs already so tired and weak.

You closed your eyes and focused on the crushing grip around your throat, your hands flying up impulsively to grip his. You wrapped your fingers around this thick gloves...gloves. Hope, flared up in you. Hope in the form of rage.

It was in that growing darkness and burgeoning fury that a spark of brilliant purple came to you, just like it had six months ago in the walls of your home. It was in the form of a great, jagged and cruel. It came with lightning and thunder and the promise of revenge. You let go of Kozan's gloved hands and let your arms fall to your sides as a sharp thunder clasp rocked the earth around you. A loud whistle rang through the valley and suddenly everything was lit up from a single point directly above you. Like a ball of purple flame a great sword plummeted down from the heavens air rushing violently around it. As it got closer the valley got brighter, and for the first time you could see fear in Kozan's eyes. His hands let go of your throat and he looked upwards in awe and fear at the wrath he had brought upon himself. As he looked up, mouth open and scream just about to escape, he met it through the balde met it. From top to bottom Kozan was skewered by the long twisted bade, his blood bubbling out of his mouth and down his body like a waterfall.

It was a sharp pain, being stabbed by the end of the blade. It was shallow but the end of the blade was warped and as Kozan's body slumped to the side the tip of the blade tore through your skin leaving a deep gash between your breasts. You gasped as he fell off of you the great blade blinking from existence as your connection with consciousness faded.

With it the valley was shrouded in what felt like darkness compared to the beacon that was the great blade. You melted into the snow, your body was at its limit and you couldn't bring yourself to even turn your head and look for Shouta or Hizashi.

You stared up into the inky dark sky, silver stars dotting it in an arrangement of bears and bows and great warriors and lonely lovers. Then you saw a flower, glowing like starlight, or perhaps it was still a star blurring with tears. They began to fall, warming your cheeks. You wanted to be back home, looking up at the glowing moonlight flowers, Hizashi stroking your hair and Shouta resting his chin against your chest.

"Hey," it was jagged and pained but still sweet like honey, "where'd you go?"

You smiled tiredly. "Hot spring."

"Finally," Hizashi shifted your head so you were propped up on his lap, his hand running soothingly through your hair. "somewhere warm."

You only vaguely registered Shouta hobbling towards you, as your eyes drooped shut. His warm gruff voice shook as he told you he loved you and you smiled to yourself. You were home, they were home. How lucky you were, you thought to yourself as the world slipped past you, that you got to be with them until the day you died.

[cryptidshuffle]

the less we say about it the better - chp 1

ao3

Rating: Teen Fandom: Half-Life VR But The AI Is Self Aware Relationships: Tommy Coolatta & Gordon Freeman, Tommy Coolatta/Gordon Freeman (pre relationship) Additional Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Post-Canon, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Temporary Character Death(its benrey dont worry hes ok), meta about deaths and respawns, arguing about the rules of uno, gay pining, Mutual Pining, fellas is it gay to comfort ur friend who u love and are both boys?, also fair warning it'll eventually be a poly ship with benrey, Autistic Character, Autistic Tommy, ADHD Gordon, everyone is gay and trans, Other Additional Tags to Be Added

Summary: “after everything we’ve been through we deserve a few mental break downs.” they are trying to recover after black mesa, but recovery is hard. especially when one of you is still dead

---------------

They had been out of Black Mesa for a few weeks now. It was difficult trying to acclimate to life after the incident, but they were all making it work.

The science team had gotten together for some sort of game night, something cathartic about being around others who share the same trauma. Anyways, snacks and Uno was just as chaotic as one would imagine with this group of chucklefucks, with competitive tensions high on the last round of the night.

“You can’t stack the draw 4 cards, Gordon,” Bubby argued, smacking Gordon’s hand just as he placed the card.

“Says who?”

“It’s literally against the fucking rules of the game,” Bubby said back.

Tommy agreed with, “It is in the official rules, Mr. Freeman, they- Mattel confirmed it on Twitter.”

“But that’s dumb!” Gordon argued back, “I’ve always played where you can stack those, why change that now?"

Bubby retorted, “Well maybe you’ve always been playing wrong, huh? Ever thought about that, smartass?”

Dr. Coomer chimed in with, “Well on the official page for Uno (card game) on Wikipedia, the free online encyclopedia that anyone can edit, it states that

The following official house rules are suggested in the Uno rulebook, to alter the game:

Progressive Uno: If a draw card is played, and the following player has the same card, they can play that card and "stack" the penalty, which adds to the current penalty and passes it to the following player.[4](Although a +4 cannot be stacked on a +2, or vice versa.)[6] This house rule is so commonly used that there was widespread Twitter surprise in 2019 when Mattel stated that stacking was not part of the standard rules of Uno.[6]”

“Well, there you have it,” Gordon exclaims, interrupting Coomer’s Wikipedia infodump, “Just because it’s a house rule doesn’t mean it’s not a legitimate way of playing."

“What if I don’t want to play with that rule, that’s fuckin stupid,” Bubby grumbles.

“Jesus ok, I'll play a different card, happy?” Gordon says dejectedly, taking back his controversial draw 4 card for a more innocuous one. “It’s your turn anyways.”

Bubby throws down his last card onto the pile. “I win fuckers!!!! Ahahahahaha!"

“You wouldn’t have won if you let me stack the fucking cards,” Gordon said as he threw his losing card pile onto the coffee table.

“Don’t fret Gordon! Bubby is just extremely good at card games,” Dr. Coomer replied.

“You're forgetting I’m a goddamn genius, that extends to my sick-ass Uno skills,” Bubby bragged.

Gordon chuckled, watching the two older scientists get up to leave, and watching Tommy remain, quietly cleaning up the uno deck into neat piles to place in its box.

“Well gentlemen, it’s been fun, though I think it’s time Bubby and I better get going!” Dr. Coomer said.

“No problem, don’t want you two to be late for your old man early-bird breakfast at Golden Corral tomorrow!” Gordon teased.

“Shut the fuck- I’ll kick your ass,” said Bubby.

“Hello Gord- Actually our old man breakfast is not until Saturday! It’s the one day a week I let loose and unhinge my jaws at the buffet like a Burmese Python!” said Dr. Coomer as Bubby grabs his coat and keys.

“That sounds absolutely horrifying,” Gordon laughs.

“It really is,” says Bubby. “Well, see you later asshole,” Bubby says, herding himself and Coomer out the front door.

“See you guys later,” Gordon says.

“Goodbye, Gordon! Goodbye, Tommy,” Coomer also says, before they leave Gordon’s apartment.

Tommy had yet to get up to leave, he stayed sitting in his seat staring into space, and fiddling with the Uno card deck.

“Hey Tommy, you alright man?” he asked gently. At the mention of his name, he was shaken a bit out of his stupor.

“Y-yeah I'm fine Mr. Freeman, why do you ask?”

“I mean you were kinda just staring into space for a bit, and you didn’t say anything when Bubby and Coomer left.”

“Oh shit. Sorry about that, I’ll get out of your hair,” Tommy said, starting to move to leave.

Gordon placed a hand on Tommy’s shoulder. “Hey, if something’s bothering you, just know I’m here if you wanna talk about it,” Gordon comforted.

Tommy blushed slightly at the contact and nodded.

“Thank you. I-uh… I’ve just been thinking about things that happened back in Black Mesa and, you know,” he pauses to think for a bit, and sighs, “honestly I’ve been thinking a lot about Benrey.”

Just at the mention of him, Gordon felt his stomach drop with the weight of too many emotions.

“Yeah...I uh… I understand,” he responds with a sad sigh, “anything in particular you’re thinking about him?”

“I don’t know just kind of- Earlier I started thinking about how much he would enjoy game night. And then I started to miss him and realize that- that he’s not here. I feel guilty about killing him and upset at what he did. He was still my friend and I just- I want to know why he did what he did. I just want to understand,” Tommy said.

Gordon looked away as he thought about his own emotions regarding Benrey. He was undeniably angry with him, for getting him ambushed by the bootboys, for getting his arm cut off, frustrated with the constant taunting. Yet… he also felt guilty for some reason and he couldn’t quite place why. Gordon really didn’t want to feel guilty.

“Yeah…” Gordon sighed, “I'll be honest I do feel guilty about it too. I don’t know why because I feel like it should be justified since he did try to kill us. But there were times when him pestering me about my arm felt like… like sincere questioning? I still… I don’t know.”

“Yeah… I think-” Tommy cut himself off, staring at a fixed point in his vision, trying to decide whether or not to bring this up.

“I don’t think Benrey understood how human mortality worked.”

Well, that wasn’t what Gordon expected. “What do you mean?”

“Well, he was from Xen, Mr. Freeman, he wasn’t human. It was different for him. You remember he did die several times, but he came back eventually. He had to wait for his form to regenerate.”

“Wait-” this time Gordon cut Tommy off, “Oh shit, that wasn’t a joke?  For some reason I just assumed his talking about respawns and shit was part of his Epic Gamer bit?”

“I mean it was a little but I think… there’s probably a reason Benrey attached himself to video games so much, yeah? He can see himself in the structure. Like, uh- something he can relate to.” Tommy says. “It doesn’t excuse what- what he did, but I feel like knowing why things happened makes- makes them more understandable.”

Gordon leaned back on the couch blown away by the revelation. In hindsight it wasn’t that surprising but it took him a few seconds to come to terms with the reality.

“Yeah, when you put it that way, I guess it does make a lot of sense. Wait though, I swear to god all of you have died at least once, but you guys aren’t from Xen?” Gordon said, now confused about the seeming metanarrative of the mortality of his friends.

“Yeah, but those were weird Black Mesa things, Mr. Freeman,” Tommy said, not elaborating any more than that.

Gordon waited a beat for Tommy to explain more but he said all he needed to.

“I will ask you more about that later, but I do not have the energy to unpack all that right now,” Gordon said with a gentle laugh.

“Wait, getting back on topic real quick, why couldn’t Benrey just... respawn now? Did we really get him that good?”

Tommy looked incredibly sad when Gordon said this, and he regretted it immediately.  ‘Damn it Gordon, Tommy’s clearly upset about Benrey, you don’t gotta be an insensitive dick.’

“Well Mr. Freeman, that’s kinda why I’ve been thinking about him,” Tommy said, “I’m not sure. It shouldn’t have taken him this long to respawn. Depending on the amount of damage it takes longer but… It’s been a while and what if- What if he is back but he is mad at all of us and that’s why we haven’t seen him? Or what if it is taking a really long time because we hurt him a whole lot. Or what if we…”

Tommy got quiet for a few seconds, the silence in the room was deafening. For an instance Gordon felt as if making a sound would shatter the air like glass.

Tommy finally said with a whisper, voice thick with choking back tears, “What if we killed him for good? And I don’t- I never see him again?”

It honestly broke Gordon’s heart how distraught Tommy was. Pushing his own complicated Benrey feelings aside, he was gonna focus on Tommy here and now.

“…Tommy, is it ok if I hug you, man?” Gordon couldn’t think of the best way to comfort the other man with words, but physical comfort he could do.

Tommy looked a little surprised at this ask but nodded. Gordon leaned in to hug the other scientist and Tommy collapsed in his embrace, completely breaking down.

Gordon just sat there and held him as Tommy sobbed into his shoulder, trying to comfort the crying man by rubbing circles into his back.

Gordon’s brain processed the things Tommy had said. Was Benrey really gone? Why did he feel guilty about the idea of having killed Benrey, he was fine with the concept during the final boss fight on Xen but now… the thought made him feel… sad? Regretful? Even his seemingly rational justifications didn’t seem as clear at the moment, only thinking of his fonder memories with Benrey.

‘Fuck this,’ he thought as he felt his own tears well up, ‘this isn’t about me, I need to focus on being there for Tommy,’ pushing his own feelings to the back of his mind to be dealt with later.

Tommy eventually calmed down enough where his sobs turned into sniffles, and he started to pull away from the hug.

“S – sorry for having a – a breakdown on your- on your couch Mr. Freeman,” Tommy said, the post-crying mental fog making his stuttering more noticeable. Tommy didn’t really have the effort in him to care.

“Don’t worry about it, man, after everything we’ve been through we deserve a few mental breakdowns,” Gordon joked trying to lighten the mood.

“Oh, that was nothing, Mr. Freeman, in terms of mental breakdowns that was as mild as a first-grade pizza party in the eye of a hurricane,” Tommy compared in a way that made little sense to Gordon, yet ridiculous enough to cause the man to burst out laughing.

“Alright I’ll take your word for it,” Gordon said, still laughing.

“I’m serious Mr. Freeman, once you have a meltdown so intense that you accidentally teleport yourself to an inter-dimensional void, the rest is a cake walk at the school fair,” Tommy said.

“Waitwaitwait- teleport?” he leaned back to look at him in surprise, “Since when could you fuckin teleport!” Gordon asked caught off guard.

“You know, learned some things from my Dad,” Tommy said, again failing to further explain himself.

“…Well alright. Yeah that tracks.”

Gordon was quiet for a moment before responding with, “You know, Tommy, I want you to know I’m here for you if you need anyone to talk to. You were there for me when I was at my lowest in Black Mesa, and I wanna be that friend to you if you need it,” he said giving the other scientists hand a comforting squeeze.

Tommy smiled, “Thank you, that means a lot Mr. Freeman.”

“You know you can call me Gordon, you don’t have to be so formal all the time Dr. Coolatta,” he teased.

Tommy blushed, ‘dammit why did he have to be so cute?’

“Wow Mr. Fr – Gordon are you really gonna make fun of my doctorate that I worked very hard for,” Tommy teased back, still a bit sniffly from crying.

“Dude, I cannot imagine you in college for some reason, what was your doctorate even in” asked Gordon, semi-jokingly, but still a bit serious.

Tommy laughed a bit, wiping the remaining tears away with the back of his hand. “Bio-chemical engineering. Creating Sunkist was for my thesis project.” Normally Tommy would be more then willing to infodump about the topic but he found his energy to be draining fast.

“What the fuck, that’s cooler than mine was. Us nerds in the Theoretical Physics department didn’t do any crazy shit like that,” Gordon said.

“Bold of you to assume I was a nerd, G-Gordon. I was the craziest guy in the frat house,” Tommy said.

Gordon’s memory vaguely recalls Tommy’s insistence that he “do something crazy” when drinking Darnold’s Potion of Grow Gun Arm.

“You know what, yeah, surprisingly I can see that image vividly in my head,” Gordon said. “Real talk though…” he said changing the subject and putting his hand on Tommy’s shoulder, “Are you- uh, ok? Like feeling better?”

Tommy was quiet for a second, eyes flickering down to look at his fidgeting hands in his lap, before replying with, “I’m ok. N-not great, I don’t think, but I will be.”

Gordon nodded. “Tommy, if there’s one nugget of wisdom that I have to share, it’s that healing takes time, things usually turn out to be ok in the end. No matter what’s going on with Benrey…it'll be alright, I’m sure.” Gordon patted his shoulder for emphasis, “not the best advice out there but it’s the best I can come up with straight off the dome. And I don’t wanna seem like I didn’t try to help you out."

Tommy laughed gently, “Thank you Mr. Fr- uh, thank you Gordon. You did help. Even if- if your advice was a bit cheesy.”

“Whatever man, you can’t blame me for trying,” Gordon laughed, playfully shoving Tommy where his hand had previously rested on the other man’s shoulder. Tommy laughed in return. He only noticed the warmth of Gordon’s touch once it was gone.

Tommy absentmindedly noticed the time on the wall clock in Gordon’s apartment. Jesus, 11:30? When did it get so late? The older scientist really hoped he wasn’t overstaying his welcome; While he would love to just stay here and joke around, he had already bothered Mr. Freeman enough and was already exhausted.

“I- I’m probably gonna head back home now, I didn’t realize how late it was,” Tommy said, standing up from his spot next to Gordon.

Gordon nodded. He had the passing thought of offering for Tommy to stay but… maybe that was a step too far. ‘Tommy probably wants his space,’ Gordon rationalized to himself.

He nodded, “Alright, don’t let me keep you,” he said, getting up as well to help Tommy gather his belongings. Which, to be honest Tommy didn’t bring much but some snacks for the group, but Gordon just needed an excuse to do anything.

Gordon walked Tommy to the front door of his apartment, like the good host he was, opening the door for him.

“Thanks for coming over Tommy,” he said.

Tommy nodded. “Thank- thank you again for letting me talk about Benrey, I know it was kinda rough there at the end, but if you ever need to talk about anything… I'm here for you as well.”

Gordon smiled, “Thank you Tommy, I'll keep that in mind.”

Tommy smiled in return, “Have a good night G-Gordon,” he said turning to head to his car.

“Goodnight Tommy.” Gordon turns to head back inside, but before he does, he can’t resist one more jab.

“Thought you could teleport?” he calls out teasingly.

Tommy flips him off, which causes Gordon to laugh harder. “Gives me a headache,” Tommy called back, trying and failing keep a straight face.

Gordon laughs as he waves a final goodbye, turning back inside and closing the door after Tommy waves as well. His thoughts race as he gets ready for bed, trying to ignore his fluttering heartbeat as he lays down for the night.

Tommy shuffles his thoughts in his head as he drives home. The emotional rollercoaster of his already draining social interaction meter from the science team, his Benrey guilt, and his small crush on Gordon was just too much for one day. His hands clench and unclench the steering wheel, looking forward to collapsing in bed for the night, hoping his dad won’t notice he'd been crying.

Somewhere, in an interdimensional void far away from this reality, someone begins to shift awake.

[hanzi83]

Probably the Longest Blog You Will Ever Read.. fuck it. Very Necessary Tho

Since I have not been constantly writing down my thoughts other than the occasional blog, that never seems to get any type of feedback, probably because no one is paying attention other than a few dedicated trolls, who I presume have been sent to fuck with my mental health, even if it is not true, the illusion of trying to implement some kind of devastating fear, and every time I decide to write a blog that expresses what is transpiring in my mind, it is met with no acknowledgement, and when it is acknowledged, it is the cult like trolls who will convert it to audio, so people will not bother to give me a click on where it is posted. I don’t know where this blog will particularly go since I never plan these out, and just write from the heart, and my will has not been into jotting down my thoughts, I still have point form notes on my phone dating back to last June about experiences and topics that have transpired, but for the most part it has mainly been me explaining how I think it is organized and wondering where it is all leading because it has meaning symbolically and how the seeds are planted, it has become clear since I stopped writing stuff down daily to get the frustration out of my system, that I have become exhausted mentally and can barely retain anything, whether it is reciting why capitalism is bad or if it means memorizing a movie or television show reference, mixed with how now to watch this entertainment that I have to read on the discourse about something not being woke enough, or if it something seems woke, then it just people pushing agendas, and then lesser known people expressing the fake wokeness that exists, and I just realize I am too stupid for this world so I just remain in the wrestling bubble, just like I began last decade.

I need to set this up because I am trying to think rationally as I write but I know in the middle of this blog, it will probably fall apart but it is a good thing that most people don’t take me serious, and I am not really on the masses radar, even though important people are constantly on the lookout for me, that is why my broadcasts on periscope are interrupted, my social media posts are practically shadow banned, my facebook lives are not giving out people notifications, so clearly they are trying to censor me, and it shows this is real censorship, not the marketing tool censorship where the masses are aware of the censorship at hand.

I have been writing blogs on a certain person on youtube, who has become completely unhinged, and then a group of people on the application periscope, that I feel have felt they did not get all of their use from me, so now are trying to align with people who have been waiting for anyone to have a mutual distaste, and what is weird is that I am this irrational and irrelevant mentally ill person they dismiss as just some delusional caller but these same people need to try to destroy any good that I try to create and try to bring me down so badly that I lash out with irrational anger that makes me want to go back to my ignorant ways after years of trying to deprogram myself since I was dumbed down majority of my life and fell for the ignorance, and because mental illness to the mainstream is just described as someone being sad, and not the fact that there are darker elements in mental illness people will not want to discuss, but rather they ignore it so when someone else is having a legit mental breakdown, they will pile on them all the while maintaining the “woke” points for addressing the stigma of mental illness, even if it means it is presented in such a limited way,

My trolls also realize that I have not been writing lately so they figure it will be easier for me to snap since they know I am not getting my thoughts out and the plan is for me to be piled on mentally so much, in such a pseudo intellectual way, that I will just snap and lose my mind and then the people paid to harass me can take the audio of me losing my mind and saying some hurtful shit to people encouraging a mentally ill person to go kill himself, and constantly hint that I will be targeted. It feels this aggressive trolling has begun on periscope when I was discussing these Howard Stern leaks, and it feels like we are at the precipice of Howard finally getting canceled because his past will come back to haunt him, so the person that will be of interest to people in the media might be me, and before that could happen these people need me out of the way. If my theories are correct, then these people could probably be sacrificed when they strike down on Howard’s image.

One of the other problems was that when I initially broadcasted on periscope, I would not really follow anyone and just broadcast while promoting it on twitter. Last summer, I got suspended on facebook and twitter and I decided to browse the app and see what kind of people are there. There were plethora of characters etc that existed and I have tried to become friendly with people, a lot of sex workers, musicians, gimmick personalities etc. It seems friendly but also if you browse by the random broadcasts you will see thumbnails of people I perceive to be young and I have to report because I feel people running periscope allow some type of exploitation on there that is truly disgusting,  but overall it has been kind of a positive experience, and I am so full of low self esteem I have to constantly name drop I was part of an institution to present myself to stand out but also interview different walks of life and get some good discussions going on, and also because I feel Howard has a stake in periscope, again it is my theory I name drop to see if people who are there are kind of answer to him since I feel the elite use these apps to sell people, but I could be wrong but if I am wrong at least I make a friend out of it. It feels like people also get sent to me, and since I don’t have the resources to do background checks on people, I always wonder if the system is sending people who are not good people to be associated with me, so it damages my reputation further. Even when I talk to people on there, I have to ask their age because if they are not over 18 I have to dismiss them from talking to them because I don’t like talking about the content I talk about in front of people who are not of age, even though I can control who comes into my broadcasts and don’t interact.

 So before I get accused of setting a narrative and speaking out like it is fact, I have to preface this by saying whatever I have written on here has been just my opinion, when I do my videos, I express my opinions and I might vent out of frustration because if I  don’t express myself I will probably end up harming myself and I don’t want to do that and since I do feel bad and get to reflect when I say some evil shit when being pushed by people, others just want to cross the line and then pretend they never did anything negative while pointing out all my flaws. So I don’t know where to go with this because I am not intelligent enough to deal with the nuances of good storytelling, or maybe I am just underselling it.

This lady came to my scope last summer after people who have been trying to troll me for years were in there and immediately I did not take her seriously because she was presenting herself as an alien and she would full of mystery all while having this soothing voice. I always have my guard up and I do want good content, as long as the people in my periscope are willing to come up and talk etc. I am creating content, and hopefully I can try to move on to a podcast, but there are a lot of people who somehow have some investment in me without knowing and if I don’t move on their watch, they will then start showing their true selves eventually. I entertained this lady’s presence for a while but then when someone from her past came onto my panel when they called into my periscope, that alien schtick went down the tube and I laughed because as a wrestling fan it would be like if the Undertaker was confronted by someone in real life and then him immediately dropping the Dead Man character and freaked out. I was not aware of the drama scopers on this app, because apparently a lot of doxing goes on and organized harassment, basically what I have predicted in my own life, but I am kind of watching it play out to others and it is just completely fucked up.

There was another nice man I met on scope who I gelled well with when discussing stuff and even though we did not agree, he clearly has some resources and his full of encouragement when people want to go for their dreams and if he is cool with you he will help you out but because I was suspect of this alien lady who would not ever address any of my questions for her, and I did not want to talk to her in private because apparently she belongs to some former patriot groups, and when I hear that I can only imagine these can’t be good. It is one thing to have a conversation with someone who might not be politically correct, but I have learned some people who lean right are not as bad and are anti imperialistic, while others are just defensive of anything criticizing Trump. I feel with these conversations I am able to at least talk to someone who I don’t agree with politically and get them to deprogram themselves from the ignorant propaganda, the same shit I used to kind of fall for. This woman does not seem like a Trump supporter but she is an enigma because she will play the Jewish card but still associate with people who have been fucking with me and bothering me to join their podcast network, and these people are insanely racist and bigoted. This lady puts it all on me when she comes into my scopes, and her supposed harassers come in, and because some of them seem like they could be dangerous, I try not to rock the boat with more enemies, but as far as I know they have been nice to me, but then again my trolls do the same thing where they endear themselves to people I try to make friends with and when I flip out they will claim I am the one bothering them. I just kind of wish she would have stayed out of my lives, I even blocked her because she was becoming a disturbance in my sessions, but the nice guy I became friends with would always kind of vouch for her and I did not understand why. The only thing I could come up with, is the typical “Are these 2 fucking?” because I don’t understand how you could just know someone for a month or so and suddenly just become these great friends, I did eventually unblock her and tolerated her but she would kind of want me to have conviction in protecting her when I don’t even know her like that because she has not presented any proof of this happening

The fucked up thing is she claims to be someone that just observes but she is following all the trolls who have been following me nonstop, and these people have become extra aggressive since making new friends on this app, like they are lashing out about me not paying attention to them and having people of color on my panel since I did not know that there were so many black and brown people on the app. They then start saying I am so anti white because I rail against a white supremacist system and then they discredit me with rumors of me beating up a gay couple, or beating my mother. They create accounts where they take pictures of me and blacken it because they think I want to be black. They are doing deep fakes of me talking, and then leaving suspicious messages instilling fear about me being kidnapped and killed. They have a sub reddit dedicated to me, and then when I become rational enough to analyze their mental illness, because if I am so irrelevant and useless and such a drain on society, then why wouldn’t you do something better with their lives? The answer is they can’t, because as useless as I have been, these people are even more useless for the last several years and clearly need to latch onto me to exist, and because people end up having problems with me they all connect because of their mutual hatred for me, but the truth is none of them are interesting without me and they lack creativity.

The alien chick and the supposed innocent dude would be in these scopes with these people witnessing my meltdowns on the Stern Show and apparently questioning them is a big no-no so I assume they get the advice of these trolls who study me that if they are nice enough and I don’t fall for it, it can be easily pushed against me that this is what happens and this is why I was kicked off the Howard Stern Show. They try to be like Howard and Robin and try to dismantle your psyche. I did not trust this lady and I felt like the dude I was cool with was just going to take her side regardless and because I feel like she is hanging out with my trolls, and I figured she was recruiting me for some kind of cult or wanted to capitalize of any value I have so they could get some clout, even though I barely have it on the surface. I am going all over the map and kind of leaving some details out but overall these people she claims were bothering her came into my scope, but according to this innocent nice dude, these are legit gripes, and I am supposed to have some kind of conviction, but not them because they are associating with people who have made my life hell, and they dismiss my claims even though there is a legit thread I have made on twitter on my pinned tweets where you can see the supposed threats made to me.

So the innocent dude eventually blocks me because I had the gall to get mad that I was not trusting him because he was in this dude’s scope who is harassing me, I got tired of periscope so I started doing facebook lives, and then the cult of trolls would fuck with that too by people not getting notifications and there would not be many there and I was so set out on doing it with low views for the principal, because I know when you are supposed to be popping, you will have a plethora of views, and when they punish you they dumb them down, but either way it is all organized. I eventually go back to periscope in December, and the alien lady has choice words for me because that innocent dude had “helped” me and he did but there was something they weren’t telling me, like there was some hidden investment with me, and it set their plans back by me leaving periscope for a bit. She would give me more attitude, and honestly I would have preferred to speak to the dude, instead of this chick who I feel has brainwashed this dude. That is the way I see it, they will probably read this and get mad that I am presenting it as fact, but a lot of the videos are on my facebook public page and there have been a lot of witnesses who can attest that I am presenting the events truthfully mixed with me presenting my theories, whether they are valid to you or not, depending on how low the totem pole I am in social media.  

(Blog continued 2 days after)

Now I have been out of practice from writing since I used to do it consistently in my life since 2007, and felt I had to make up for the anger I had years before, and I had a lot of deprogramming to do, it went from writing in notebooks and barely understanding what I was writing, or that I would have to write on my computer so I could read it back and maybe sustain some material for it so I could write a book of my irrational thoughts, but I scare myself with the anger I had and how my opinions would differ often and barely being able to retain shit, so sometimes I felt I would guess people were watching me and monitoring my computer so I would suspect different people and write things to test anyone and see what would prompt them to move my mouse so I know their presence is lurking digitally in some hacker like way.

Anyways, writing a blog has even drained me and I felt I was not aligning the stories well because I have been used to just talking more often on my platform than writing. I had to take a break from it and since the developments are breaking every single day I had to hold off and debate if I wanted to write a blog because it will seen as some act of social media war that will further encourage more harassment, that most people who have power and set the narratives can use to their advantage to further make me feel like a useless piece of shit, more so than already. If I vent, I am supposedly doing the woe is me gimmick, and constantly feeling sorry for myself, because I don’t want to hold in my irrational feelings or I will snap and maybe that is the wave right now.

So I did not bother to know where I left out because I am too lazy to read it so I will try to pick it up from where I left off and there is a good chance that I might repeat the same shit but at least if you are going to read this, I at least came up with an interesting angle of how to write a shitty blog that people will pretend does not exist, or maybe they just don’t know and I have to act like I am this important person being spied on.

I think it was from the time that I got blocked by this one guy from periscope, while he defends the alien lady. I know I should present names but if you been following it you already know the names, but I need to express this and I don’t want to be accused of putting their name out there and seeing as lying on their names, when I have explained ad nauseam that these are my theories, and no one ever listens to what I say and by people being scared people might believe me, it will contradict the whole thing of me being irrelevant and that maybe beneath the surface more people care about what I think.

I just feel when I took a break from periscope because I did not want to deal with more betrayal, at least from my perspective, do these trolls actually wish me harm or are they just testing me and toughening me up mentally and putting me through some shit, or these people are aligning with trolls who have tried to drive me insane by spreading rumors of me hitting my mother, or beating up a gay couple etc, and they put out misleading titles of what my periscope is about so when people do search my name, they will get these negative and untruthful shit at the top of google etc. That was my beef with these new people who wanted to be friends with me, but it seems like I am only supposed to take their safety seriously yet they will be following my trolls who have constantly pushed me to the brink of insanity and make me want to say some irrational shit that I will regret, because the system is so against me, if I irrationally talk shit and tell someone to do something horrible to themselves, they will suspend me. They push me to that so they can twist it into me being seen as threatening

I don’t know if the trolls have been aligned with these people from the beginning or do people approach anyone I make friends with and when I try to create some content with interesting discussion. The trolls hate me for not acknowledging them as much and because I have different people of different races/ethnicities/nationalities on and they spread this shit of me hating white people even though I talk about the systemic corruption and the grander white supremacy that exists on a pseudo intellectual type of way.

I took a month away from periscope, so my facebook lives would suffer when I would do decent numbers prior and suddenly I would be lucky if I would get 5 people in there but out of principle I would still do it and it would anger the trolls even more, because even though I was not broadcasting I was still being a guest on people’s periscope. They got it banned and I had to write a repeal on it and they gave it back. So it was like a test. I don’t know who helped do this but I eventually came back, and this time instead of dealing with the constant disturbance I would just block these trolls and not unblock them, because when I did, they would say I want the drama and want them to come in so when I become strict with it I then angered them even more and they will keep leaving cryptic messages on different troll accounts about them going to execute MK Ultra on me, or that they will kidnap me and that they are continuously watching me and monitoring me and showing so by knowing when I have therapy appointments etc.

It felt like this dude I met on periscope who really helped me for a bit, and this alien lady really wanted to teach me a lesson and maybe fuck with my head but overtly finding all the trolls, when there are people I roll with who have discussions with people who might seem more conservative, and I will have discussions and not budge from my point of view while still having the discussion, and some people I can get through but some have their minds made up on believing Trump is actually anti establishment and I can’t deal with it. So there was these 2 black dudes I have conversations with and enjoy their scopes, but they are constantly getting harassed by a lot of white people or people with Zionist leaning ideals and harass black people for not wanting to give them the time of day and think they are entitled to these people’s time. So when one of the guys lost account after account for defending himself, he had a enough and I shared his scope, because when he comes back with a new account I share it so more people can see it but the guy had a periscope saying “Jew Jokes’ not the best title, but he was trying to get at these Zionists fucking with him, and he even cleared it up that he is just doing that for that purpose, because he was pissed, the other guy, who loses account after account, wanted to troll with someone black in Nazi fatigue, and I expressed concern with it and he was just so pissed about being banned and I had to approach him privately and explain that even though I know what he is doing it is wrong to do it because it feels like you are cosigning some white supremacist shit, and it that people try to discredit black people a lot, that it gives the Zionist more ammo because ultimately it won’t matter if they did racist shit first, it will be all put on the black dudes. So this alien lady, who often tells me that the people harassing her are anti Semites, and I don’t hang around them enough to know, they only come in when the alien lady comes on my scope, and I am expected to just block them, when she won’t even unfollow  the trolls harassing me. She starts this campaign that I am hanging out with anti Semites and she seems to dismiss what others are going through, while she is hanging out with anti Muslim type of people who also say anti Semitic shit and actual real generalizations. That is why I hate generalizations and specify Zionism, even though they are starting to say that Zionism and Jewish is the same. The guy I talked to privately was thankful for my advice, because he was so irrationally angry he wanted to do something to upset them, because he is constantly being called the N word and having money taken off his table by getting his broadcasts suspended and making people rebuild.

So this is when I was like I had enough of this shit because it hurt me to know this dude I met on periscope who became friends with will defend this chick for some reason. Why does she get to follow all these people who are often anti Black and anti Muslim? I don’t even know where this is going but if these people are aligning with my trolls, and they are actually trying to do harm to me, because they want me on their playing field where all my trolls are, and think I am using them for entertainment on my platform, which is what the app is for, but when something organic is to be discussed I don’t mind that, but they wanted me in their platform because it supposedly was not for entertainment while all these people in there are guilty of putting fear and severe paranoia in me.

The trolls will constantly try to pretend they turned a new leaf and that they are done harassing me but will still have sub reddits trying to dox me, or mislead with the titles to paint me in a bad light, and the stuff they claim I am saying that is fucked up when I am angry is what made them fans of me on the Stern Show, while probably being associated with people like that dude Jimmernam, who has probably been behind the attacks as well.

Jimmernam has become much more unhinged and he has started to fucking with the True Crime community because everything else has fallen apart and since he pissed off his old crew so much and has done so much fucking damage in people’s lives, wherever he goes to endear himself and then destroy it because that is what he does, he has done it to some poor woman named Limonade. I was done after the summer where I wrote the blog and believing that there are lies about him being a child groomer, and how he has changed from the old guy, but he has that venom in him and he is still full of lies. He hates me for not cosigning his show the first time and not believing his sob story and how he tried to use Wendy to gain sympathy, and then people expected that she was taking her donations to give to him, and he would play dumb about giving it back and change the topic. He even caused a beef with me and that Ross Dawg guy, because he knew I was protective of Wendy so he would get her to say different people are bothering her so I would be insanely angry about it, and it almost started something ugly because even though I don’t like the general way Stern has trained the public to talk to Wendy, I have to understand she is used to that and she gravitates towards that kind of thing and I don’t want to feel she can’t have fun and joke like normal with people etc. So when he fucked with this Limonade chick, I really felt for it and it was like a united front with people who I did not see eye to eye with, to help this woman against Jimmer, who turned her friends against her, constantly doxing her, and her family, and putting out threats within 12 hour streams, all while taking over her community of True Crime and wanting to be the number one guy in town. And the sycophants have become a lot worse, I don’t know how he has convinced these many people to help him and be completely blinded by his tactics, and the ones who are standing up for themselves as doing dirty tactics, when it is not nearly on the same level, and it is being done out of self defense. I don’t agree with everything people say on the panel, but I have enjoyed discussion I have had with certain people because without being this preachy SJW, I try to teach people that the shock jock type of humor is not really the edgiest and it doesn’t mean it can’t be funny but I would rather have people agree with me with systemic shit, and let them do their shock jock style of humor, but Jimmernam’s crew will take stuff and make videos to discredit any type of criticism towards him and create false narratives about him. It feels like what he pretends he is going through, he actually does it to me, so it sounds like me and him are kind of the same, but this guy copies everything, Howard Stern’s personality, Bill Burr generic whit woman voice,  NBA commentators closing tags and even channels Chris Jericho by calling himself Le Champion. When he sees that this woman has backup, he will try to get in on the Stream Yard link and claim he wants to talk when he just wants to insult her and project things on to her and questioning her parenting and her divorce, when he is the guy who can’t see his kids because of the shit he is doing. He will send his teenage audience into this woman’s streams and then make videos of how she is grooming him, when he is the one who has had a kid audience and played adult content for them and constantly bringing up how people are calling him a pedophile because he let a kid in his discord in 2018 and it had porn in it, and he will claim the videos of him are being edited, when it is not and that is him. He lost his mind when he lost that reddit money, so now he has just become a lot bitterer and he is threatening me and others.

He did not like that I was on her panel and making new alliances and friendships, especially with people I didn’t think I liked before because I assumed they were just doing ignorant shock jock humor when they are a lot more deeper about their discussions. Now Jimmer did not like that and it gave me confidence to stand up to him seeing how this Limonade chick was standing up to him, even though she has been getting a lot of shit on her from her former friends, one of which is a gay guy who seems so scared he just hangs out with Jimmer, and Jimmer has constantly been kind of homophobic and does not regret any of the hurtful things he has said to people, It feels like that Kitty chick, who he doxxed when she did not have his back, is back with him time to time, even though she is good at hiding her role in doing any dirt,  so as far as I know she has nothing to do with this, but it feels like if they want to make money in a field and continuously create drama, they will. I could be wrong though. It felt for a while that he was going to get caught for what he is doing, but he just comes back more confident and making some threats and dedicating streams to putting out private information, and it seems youtube does not want to do anything. He does not like that I aligned with this woman to give her support about what he has been doing, and I did it because maybe if people in that community did not believe the others who are informing these people about the past of this guy and to watch out for him, I would have more credibility since I am a former celebrity essentially and since we in society value someone who seems to have greater value unfortunately because of how “famous’ they are, I thought I would put it for good use, and now Jimmernam aka Misery Box has threatened to come after me, which is aligning with the original trolls who are now constantly bothering me and sending people to my scopes, and maybe get shady people to befriend me so I will be associated with someone I don’t know well. I don’t have the resources to do background checks, I kind of assume if this person is just roaming around I want to believe they are not all scumbags, even if they put on a false bravado of being anti PC, they are buying into ignorance,

So this all ties into the alien lady because she followed me when one of the guys who has power with the app came into my scope, and since I blocked her he and the trolls have become a lot more aggressive, but I also know that these people are associated with Jimmernam, and these people seem hella racist, and bigoted, and this alien lady keeps making it seem like I am the one rolling with racists, while she is claiming to be someone with special powers who can put people into rehabilitation, so maybe she is someone special and I don’t realize it. I am having a hard time understanding what is going on because there is another guy involved who she calls my producer, who started out as a troll, but he and I have gotten a long, but sometimes I wonder since he had a friendship with her and that other dude I met on scope, he has kind of seem iffy by wanting me in their clique and to believe them, but when I don’t give in, he will be on my side, but then the lady will tell me he is the one that is stirring all of this up.

I realize by not giving specific names, I may be confusing people, but keep in mind that no one gives a fuck about these stupid blogs but I did an outlet to write about it and the more I write, I just fucking shake my head how I am so bad at explaining all of this and what makes it worse is that you can’t keep up with people who I am referring to other than a few people. The trolls will be so much more outward aggressively with admitting they want me to kill myself and encourage me to take pills, and what hurts about this, what if I am not the only one these people do it to, and how many people who have killed themselves have dealt with targeted harassment. So while I am tougher mentally than a lot of others, I can take it, even though it hurts my fucking soul, because these people can be protected and say the worst shit and do the worst shit and me standing up for myself is what is magnified because I am supposed to be the better person, even though people want to pile on me and making me a miserable person.

When I separated with the dude and the lady, I figured they would get mad at the fact I am moving forward so they have to try and show up in different scopes I am in and maybe tell people to come and be spies for them. So sometimes when I am hurt about how my friendship with this dude was from the summer, I might be irrational and talk shit and I do this knowing he will hear about it, and he will act like I am talking shit about him, and he will say he does not want part of drama, but he is still monitoring me, and because I am not giving in, this is all I suspect in a theory not fact, that they need to start with me but look like the rationalized ones. I was willing to make peace but because they dismiss what I am going through and claim that I am endangering this lady because she insists on observing my scopes, but hates that her followers are there, like it is my problem, I don’t encourage hatred toward her and continued harassment. I might talk shit about her when she makes my broadcast about her, but she will claim she finds it funny or whatever, but when it is convenient she will then use it as a prime example of why I am an asshole.

Last weekend we had a blow up where I was on her scope with the trolls, who are aligned with Jimmernam, and the dude I was friends with who does good community work, who seems to have conviction, because he did end his friendship with people who treated Wendy like shit, which is admirable but all I did was bring up is that he is careful of his image but he is hanging out and following trolls who might be aligned with someone who might be grooming children, I did not say that he is the one who is a child predator or anything but I can understand why he is mad, but I am making a point that I am getting hated on for people I don’t want to fuck with and get doxxed by, because I let them in my periscope but not following them while he and this alien lady are following someone like this account Gorilla Bacon, who will restream my shit and play my worst calls. Sometimes I don’t know if these people are actual fans and they are just toughening me up or if these people are punishing me and becoming more aggressive because it is their job to get me out of the way before Howard ends up getting canceled when his past and his potential corruption might be brought to light.

These trolls don’t realize that the only reason people are aligning with them is because they all have mutual hatred for me. It could be anyone, it could be this dude on periscope, the alien lady, the trolls, Jimmernam and his kid army, or maybe people in my life who probably hate me. Either way their lives are all better than me and yet they need to make me feel like shit and rub it in my face I am on welfare, like this was not the plan from the system, because there are different rules in this world, and they blacklist me from making a living anywhere else so they can say I am not trying to monetize anything because I am not doing it on their time.

Any chance for anything embarrassing they will run with. Here is an example, if I say something that might be about agendas by the upper echelon of the LGBTQ, they will say homophobia but then if I say that I would consider having sex with a post op Trans woman, then they will mock me for it like they are homophobic. They will say the most racist shit against Muslim women or black people, and then a story comes out from someone as a joke about how I asked a Muslim woman out because we both live in Toronto, and she is a cool chick who has a good sense of humor, she asks me how much I will pay for her and where I will take her and I am willing to pay for something small on  first date because it is about getting to know each other but I believe if we should pay our own shit on the first date, but she jokingly said I need to spend more money and I said “I will spend 50 bucks at most” and when I was given the option of over 100, I said “For that kind of money I better be getting laid” but I did not mean it literally because it was my way of conveying that it is ridiculous to expect a man to pay so much on a first date to get to know each other,  just like it is ridiculous for me to expect sex on the first night. But the trolls ran with it and said that I am harassing a woman so it becomes a top google search when you look me up. It feels they are amplifying it because if Stern does get exposed, and I am someone who has been a prime target for calling him out, then when the general public looks me up, they will see these false narratives about me, and that is why it hurts to see these people who I thought were good, to align with these trolls who are doing it, and because they are not getting the shit they wanted out of me, they will have no issues to act like I am this dangerous human being who is lying and causing all this pain, and that won’t work. You will not point out at me and discredit me, because I am such an easy target who has no backup.

No media outlet even gives a fuck and it is sickens me because it will continue and it feels like they will only care until something horrible happens to me so then they can pretend they give a fuck about the situation, kind of like they are what they claim the MSM is and maybe someone is investigating and I am wrong but it feels like the worst possible shit has to happen in order for it to be exposed. You know how fucked up that is? It is like no matter what people have to profit off the pain and it shows that all these things are predetermined and will have solutions after the fact. It does not matter and I wrote this in 2 parts and made it this long because I hope if you are reading this, I hope you got a headache from reading all this convoluted mess of an explanation. I know most of you will not get through it all so you might as well put it on vocaroo to so you can get through it easier. Make sure you set it on some stereotypical accent.

I wrote this part with the fact that lately it has been more peaceful but when I was given the choice of not wanting this lady in my scope or wanting her out of my life, they did not take it kindly because if I gave in then I wanted her in my life, but by saying no because she has fucked with me too much and changed the narrative on me to paint me as the bad guy because she couldn’t make me fall for her spell, like she seems to have on other people, she is now coming into scopes of other people I have met and is kind of trying to poach them from partaking in my lives, and now she is coming back to my scope and pretends she is just automatically being put there and that the whole ambush on me on her scope was just comedy, Now that I let her back on, she will twist that, and say I forced her to be put on.

I don’t know what the fuck is going on anymore. I will close with this, that if you are someone of importance and power, you need to check in on this Misery Box guy and what kind of fucked up shit he has convinced his people to do. He has ensured that I will not go on that Limonade chick’s panel because he has threatened me and encouraged me to kill myself, and tell me how my parents don’t love me because I am such a disappointment, even threats of doxing them when people are not well, and I have tried to document this, if you go to my twitter page and look at the pinned tweet where I show old audio of Howard in 97 jokingly threatening the media if they fucked with him he would have dossiers on them to ruin their lives, and in that thread I have documented some of the cryptic videos, and threats of something happening to me, and it just does not matter anymore. I don’t know if the alien lady has anything to do with him but she is allowing some of the people she is associated with.

By the way on a scope where this bigoted guy who I hate was threatening to kill myself because his periscope girl friend cheated on him. Even though I hate the guy for how fucked up he is and feels no remorse I don’t like seeing anyone lose their mind, but he was one of the guys who I used as an example of the alien lady being friends with, who constantly says racist shit when she would point out because I shared the scope of the black atheist dude who was being harassed by Zionists, and now being labeled an anti Semite. So I called into the guy’s scope to see if he was for real and if he was fine, and if this situation was so real, that alien lady chose the time where he was threatening to kill himself and people, to come and tell me it was my fault and that I don’t care. She has no problem with just blaming me flat out and just making up lies, and then act like she is a victim afterwards if I point out her bullshit. It has become such a fucking mess. I don’t even know what this blog will accomplish. I am trying to move forward and it feels these trolls will not allow me, and they have me in a constant state of fear and paranoia, and when I explain myself they will even make more of a mockery because of it. It is so fucking gross and sick.

[jamesnbarnes]

i did something bad

Pairing(s): Steve x Bucky

Summary: College AU.

“Steve Rogers has not thought about Bucky Barnes for years. That’s a fact. He could be dead for all Steve cares. And Steve definitely does not care.”

Word Count: 1.7k

Warnings: Lots of cursing and mutual pining

Notes: This was requested by a lovely anon. I hope you enjoy, friend! I had a lot of fun writing it. Why do my shorter fics always end up being fics I could turn into longer narratives? Of course, if you’re interested in seeing this become a longer fic, shoot me a quick message. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Comments are always welcome. 

Requests: currently open!

Steve Rogers has not thought about Bucky Barnes for years.

It was the summer before they left for college. It was the classic Friday night lights tale. Steve and Bucky were legendary. Steve was the top wrestler who was graduating at the top of his class. Bucky was the quieter type, the best damn artist in his graduating class and a total biology geek. They nerded out together over everything from comics to Star Wars to random TV shows that no one ever watched except for them. They were the golden children of their high school. They were the kids that were going places. No one knew Steve without knowing Bucky. No one talked to Bucky without asking how Steve was.

It was how things were. It was the way they used to be.

They kiss one night in Tony Stark’s backyard.

It ruins them.

“Did we just-”

“You know what, I don’t-”

“I’m drunk, yeah?”

“Yeah, me too.”

“You know what- I’ll call you tomorrow Buck, yea? I just need to, uh-”

“Y-yeah.”

“Okay. Cool. Umm. Congrats on graduating.”

“See you around.”

The call never came. That was the end of Steve and Bucky. People asked a lot of questions. Steve deflected them all. He got a text later on that night from Tony, saying “did you know Barnes was bi?” Steve’s heart is pounding almost worse than his head, and he shoves that factoid deep down where he barely thinks about it.

Steve Rogers has not thought about Bucky Barnes for years. That’s a fact.

He could be dead for all Steve cares.

And Steve definitely does not care.

Bucky comes back into Steve’s life on a random Wednesday. It is the worst day of Steve’s life.

Steve hates biology. He hates it more now that Bucky is out of his life, but he has never enjoyed the subject anyway. He’s in this stupid Biology 101 lab course that has nothing to do with his major. If he had done better on his previous exams, he could have tested out of it, but he’s stuck now. He’s barely making a decent grade, and he doesn’t have the motivation to work any harder than he already is.

Everyone is checking the project rosters on the board outside the lecture hall. When Steve finally clears the crowd to look for his name, his heart drops when he sees the name next to his. Panic wells up in his chest. It’s not fucking possible for James Barnes to be here, at this university, in the same fucking entry level biology lecture class section as Steven Rogers. 

The world is out to get him, Steve decides. He can’t focus the entire lecture. He doesn’t take a single note. He doesn’t even pick up his pen.

“You should check the boards outside for your partner project pairings. Everything is due a week from Friday. You can find the specific project outlines and what I expect from your teams on my website. If you have any questions, I have about 10 minutes before my next lecture. If not, I’ll see you next class.”

Steve is one of the last people in line. Dr. Fitz starts packing up his things while answering the question asked by the student in front of Steve. Finally, the man walks away, looking far more confused than he was before he asked. Steve steps up to his desk, readjusting his backpack where it’s slung over his shoulder.

“Hey, Dr. Fitz. I just had a question about the project pairings you posted outside your door?”

The professor sighs, continuing to pack up his belongings in order to change rooms for his next lecture. “I did them by last name for pretty much everyone, Steve.”

“Dr. Fitz, we’re nowhere near each other when alphabetized by last name. Please” Steve adds, desperation in his tone. Dr. Fitz just shakes his head.

“Sorry son. It’s just for the next few weeks. If you work fast enough, you won’t have to deal with him that much. You and Barnes both added this class late so you’re not organized on my roster like everyone else. You can do it. I’ll look forward to your presentation.”

He walks away, leaving Steve with his jaw slightly unhinged.

Fuck.

Steve gets a text from an unknown number as he’s walking across campus to his next lecture.

Hey, it’s B. Got your # from the redhead who sits behind you. Library at 15:30 to work on project?

Steve sends him a thumbs up emoji and hopes it’s enough to get his point across.

Sitting across the table from Bucky Barnes is something Steve never expected to be uncomfortable. Yet here he sits. His body is rigid and he can’t seem to relax his brain. They sit in silence for a long time. Steve can’t help but think that Bucky looks good; healthier than he did when they parted ways.

Bucky coughs quietly. It’s probably just because he swallowed wrong, but Steve takes it as an invitation to a conversation between the two of them.

“How the fuck did you end up here, anyway?” Steve blurts. Bucky doesn’t seem fazed in the slightest, slouching back in his chair.

“I transferred after last semester. State ended up being a shit hole,” Bucky says, not making eye contact. “The people had no passion. They just partied and drank and stuck their dicks in each other. I didn’t care for it.”

“Really?” Steve says, feigning shock. “That didn’t appeal to you at all?”

“You’re a fucking asshole,” Bucky states simply. “Now did you research the shit I told you to? It’s gonna be pretty hard to fuck this project up if you just follow my lead. I know biology was never your strong suit.”

Bucky really has gotten so kind as he’s gotten older. “Yeah. I already sent you the Google Drive file. It’s even organized alphabetically so it’s easier for you to understand.”

“Well aren’t you kind,” Bucky deadpans. Steve snickers.

Time passes as they both work in silence. Bucky’s nervous fidget has always been bouncing his leg. He starts to do it without even noticing. Steve is trying so hard to ignore it, but it gets to be unbearable. His screen won’t stay in place and he can’t keep his hand study while he’s trying to make sense of these jumbled up equations Bucky is having him memorize.

"That's starting to get annoying," Steve says finally.

Bucky coughs. He turns another page in his book. “I don’t remember caring.”

Something inside Steve snaps. “Fuck’s sake, Barnes, cut me some slack, okay? This isn’t even in my damn major. I’m just trying to get through this project with a semi-decent grade so I can get the fuck away from you and continue living my life like you don’t exist.”

That fucks Bucky up more than he would like to admit. “Wow Rogers, I really messed you up, huh?”

Steve doesn’t look at him. He’s shaking his leg nervously too, just like Bucky, pen tapping against the yellow pad of paper filled with scrawny notes and equations that don’t make any sense.

“You didn’t do shit to me.”

“So we didn’t kiss that night at Tony’s party,” Bucky asks inquisitively, feigning genuine interest.

Steve’s jaw drops slightly. “Shut up. That was years ago.”

“I said I didn’t remember. I lied.” Bucky knows the confession is damning in a way he could never imagine.

Steve can’t deal with this now. He can’t. It was bad knowing Bucky was on the same campus as him. It made his skin buzz in weird places; he’d get a shiver up his spine while in the line for a sandwich only to look up from his phone and discover Bucky had just walked into the dining hall. It’s worse thinking about the time they shared together in high school. All of the inside jokes, the late night gaming sessions, the cramming sessions in the library the morning before midterms, the way the teachers always put them in the same group together because that’s just the way things were.

But it is absolutely unbearable to think of how good it felt to kiss his best friend, the hot, humid summer air enveloping their bodies, pushing them close, how desperately Steve wanted to whisper ‘more’ against Bucky’s lips, the way Bucky’s hands were gripping his hair, always trying to pull him closer, like he couldn’t get enough of how perfect-

“Bucky. Stop. That was a long time ago. I don’t have time for this now.”

Bucky’s eyes flash dark. “Of course you don’t. I should have figured. You were always the tough guy, yeah?”

Steve doesn’t know how to respond.

“Always wanted to be a fucking hero,” Bucky spits. “Fuck if I care. I came out as bisexual that summer. Did you?”

Steve looks down at his laptop. That cut deep. Bucky knows it.

“Fuck this. I’m over it. I’ll finish the presentation and paper and print everything out for class Friday. I’ll send you your slides so you can make your note cards. Otherwise, you can fuck off.”

It’s not exactly fair to leave Steve like this. They both said things over the course of the conversation that weren’t fair. It’s safe to say that they probably shouldn’t leave things here, naked and bare and out in the open with no resolution in sight, but Bucky is either going to kill Steve or kiss the shit out of him, and the choice is too alarming. He has to leave.

Bucky gets up from his seat, shoving the loose papers and notes strewn across the desk back into his backpack. He closes his laptop and slides it into his case before slinging his bag over his shoulder and skulking away.

Steve hadn’t noticed it before, but Bucky had torn off the Star Wars rebellion emblem sticker. Steve had bought them both one their sophomore year when they were at the height of their Star Wars fandom.

Steve still has the matching one in the upper right-hand corner of his. It’s worn and tattered, hanging on by a mere thread in some places, but still there. Steve imagines that even when the adhesive has long worn off, an imprint of the symbol will forever remain. 

What a shitty metaphor for his life right now.

[shinneth]

Gem Ascension Tropes (5XF-specific: L - Q)

Primary General Post ✦ Full Article ✦  Primary Peri Post ✦ Primary 5XF Post 

Leave Me Alone!: In Chapter 4 of This is Who I Am, 5XF decides she wants nothing to do with Steven and Peridot and would rather face the dangers of Earth by herself rather than go back to them. She has no plan for where to go or what to do, but 5XF is resolved to be the only one who has a say in where life takes her and who she really is. She isn’t of sound mind at this point, and when Steven and Peridot are very close to reclaiming her (after putting the pair through hell trying to find her), 5XF is desperate enough to let the spirit of a disembodied voice possess her so that she’ll have the power to truly ward them away and make them pay for making her so mentally unhinged. By the end of Chapter 5, she gets over this thanks to Sphalerite coming into her life.

Literal-Minded: Shares this trope with her sister, though currently downplayed.

Little Big Sister: Originally, 5XF and Peridot were the same height. However, by the time the two formally met, Peridot (junior to 5XF by 6 seconds) underwent her post-ascension growth spurt. This leaves 5XF as the shorter of the pair by a few inches.

Locked Out of the Loop: After the events of Act I, White Diamond goes out of her way to keep 5XF and all other Homeworld gems oblivious to the causes of the drastic changes occurring in Homeworld, including the fates of Yellow and Blue. By Act III, she and her fellow Peridots are rounded up and held in various pocket dimensions for the sole purpose of stalling the Crystal Gems, but the most even 5XF knows by that point is that she’s being mandated to pretend she’s 5XG.

Loner-Turned-Friend: Thanks to Sphalerite, 5XF has learned to open up to others and dare to trust someone other than herself. While she still has a very low opinion of Steven and Peridot specifically, 5XF is open and willing to get to know the other Crystal Gems and hopes to befriend them.

Love Redeems: Even Garnet believes by the end of This is Who I Am that 5XF wouldn’t have progressed as much as she had if Sphalerite hadn’t been there to pick up the pieces after 5XF’s little meltdown in Chapter 5. She can see that Steven and Peridot wouldn’t have been able to help 5XF understand Earth or her new life any better. Even more, Sphalerite’s support has helped 5XF find the courage to own up to her mistakes and wrongdoings and is willing to face the consequences. Additionally, 5XF is driven to atone for what she put Steven and Peridot through and is consequently very cooperative with the other Crystal Gems. Without a doubt, Sphalerite and their abrupt love affair helped 5XF make great leaps in her Character Development.

Loves My Alter Ego: Both exaggerated and (somewhat) justified: 5XF at best is just very unimpressed with Steven and Peridot, both as individuals and collectively… usually she holds a great deal of contempt for them, though. Their fusion, Sphalerite, on the other hand… 5XF is completely obsessed with her. Her love is absolute for this fusion, and the feeling is mutual on Sphalerite’s end. Steven and Peridot, of course… they’re not fans of this at all (especially when their affair started by taking advantage of their comatose states within their fusion).

Loving Details: While waiting for Sphalerite to wake up from her Deep Sleep (which goes on for more than half a day), 5XF is compelled to write up a preliminary profile for Sphalerite to add to the Crystal Gem database on Peridot’s tablet at a later date (when the fusion is properly introduced to everyone). Despite only knowing Sphalerite for a few hours at this point, 5XF manages to write about her for twelve pages. It’s heavily implied that 5XF has fallen for Sphalerite by this point, as the narrative points out how often she’s thinking of the fusion and is inexplicably overjoyed to see her not defuse despite so much time having passed since Steven and Peridot formed her.

Moment Killer: One of the reasons 5XF is being released from her bubble at the start of This is Who I Am. Steven and Peridot have had a good number of days alone together, but now they’re getting a little too eager for each other and moving a bit too fast. Both are aware of this, and know that with 5XF around, her presence will prevent them from going too far. Chapter 3 has her become this without actually being there, but rather through Steven mentioning that they haven’t checked on her in a while, just as he and Peridot were about to indulge in each other. Peridot’s pretty peeved but concedes without complaint.

Mood-Swinger: Evident in This is Who I Am when you compare 5XF’s behavior in Chapter 3 to how she acts in Chapter 4: she’s basically on opposite ends of the spectrum in more ways than one. Sphalerite even lampshades this in Chapter 6.

5XF: “Sphalerite, I don’t know why I’m feeling this way! I swear I don’t! It feels ridiculous that I could feel like this at all, let alone so quickly!”

Sphalerite: “You’ve, uh… nearly gone through the entire emotional spectrum at this point.”

Ms. Exposition: Similar to Peridot, 5XF offers quite a lot of insight on Homeworld life in This is Who I Am. In many ways, she trumps her little sister in this role due to her abnormally sharp perceptive skills and insatiable curiosity. In Chapter 2, she explains to Steven in detail what it meant to be a Peridot on Homeworld, revealing they have next to no personal rights; not even to defend themselves when assaulted. She reveals details that strongly suggest Peridot is still holding a major secret from Steven, which turns out to be true in the next chapter (though 5XF’s overall suspicions were only partially accurate, ultimately). As a character, she represents how badly Peridot affected her fellow kind during her Manipulative Bastard days, even indirectly (as they never crossed paths back then). In Chapter 7, she backs up Peridot when talking about a gem’s capability for reproduction and even supplies information her sister lacks, such as why gems can reproduce naturally despite it always being illegal on Homeworld.

Must Make Amends: It is 5XF’s fault that Gypsum has become a threat to Earth, and being bonded to her crystal is a clear sign that she’ll unwittingly put the Crystal Gems through hell when they do directly confront the corrupted gem. However, 5XF is not only needed to accomplish this mission of neutralizing Gypsum as a threat, but would be coming along regardless because she does feel driven to make up for the potential catastrophe her poor decision-making caused.

My God, What Have I Done?: Downplayed, but evident in 5XF’s expression when she watches Steven and Peridot sob in each other’s arms after barely surviving being forced to fight each other to the death… which was her doing. When 5XF realizes she’s not feeling the least bit good about seeing the couple suffer what she previously claimed was a just punishment, the guilt quickly seeps in. It isn’t long before 5XF is resolved to do whatever she can to make up for what she did.

Narrating the Obvious: Attempts to defy this many times throughout This is Who I Am starting with Chapter 2. More often than not, she lampshades it.

(After Steven mends Peridot’s gemstone with his Super Spit)

5XF: “I-I would say you healed her, but that’s blatantly obvious!”

Nervous Wreck: Justified in the first half of This is Who I Am; 5XF has every reason to fear and doubt everyone and everything she sees now that she’s suddenly been permanently immigrated from Homeworld to Earth. Pretty much everything about her old life has vanished in an instant, and now she’s understandably overwhelmed after learning what exactly happened after Ruby poofed and bubbled her in Act III and what to do from here on out.

Not Evil, Just Misunderstood: While 5XF did dreadful things to Steven and Peridot in This is Who I Am, there are a myriad of outside influences that forcibly drove her off the deep end. She not only struggled with a great power influencing and exaggerating her mental and physical woes that she only accepted when it became apparent 5XF had no choice than to “be captured” by Steven and Peridot, but Steven and especially Peridot in their own right did a subpar job adjusting her to Earth and helping 5XF adjust to her new life. Their inability to foster a long-term trusting relationship with 5XF led to the chain of events that resulted in 5XF getting possessed by a corrupt gem’s spirit, as 5XF legitimately only wanted to take control of her life back and adhere to no one’s terms but her own. She wanted nothing to do with Peridot and Steven and only attacked them when they pursued her. After regaining her senses and having time to relax and recover with Sphalerite, 5XF legitimately regretted what she put Steven and Peridot through; it wasn’t just because she fell in love with their fusion. In Chapter 7, 5XF makes it clear that the last thing she wants to be is “another 5XG” – in other words, she wanted to repent for her crimes rather than get away with them. 5XF is rough around the edges, but there’s nothing inherently evil about her.

Not So Different: Steven silently takes note of this between her and Peridot in Chapter 2 of This is Who I Am. 5XF often comes off as a Tsundere when Steven points out her being sentimental and concerned for Peridot and himself. Coincidentally, much like Peridot during the early phases of her redemption arc, 5XF always refers to others with a “the” preceding their name. The Amethyst, The Steven, The Jasper, and so on. Peridot’s the only exception; she is always addressed as 5XG. Her general manner of speaking is also fairly similar to Peridot’s, though notably toned down. As 5XF further develops, she continues to acquire traits or make decisions eerily similar to her sister’s without meaning to – Steven’s comments of certain tropes “running in the family” might be more on the nose than he realizes.

Ocean Awe: When Sphalerite tours her through Millennium Island, 5XF is awestruck when she sees the ocean for the first time in her life. Considering she lived in a world that had virtually no water whatsoever, seeing this much at once leaves a major impression on her. The sight of the ocean quickly becomes a visual 5XF associates with her own comfort, and she was absolutely thrilled to learn her new home would also be on a beach with a full view of an ocean.

Official Couple: With Sphalerite, as of This is Who I Am Chapter 6.

Only Sane Gem: When Steven and Peridot are her only company, 5XF believes herself to be this wholeheartedly. Played fairly straight for the first half of This is Who I Am. Even after her major breakdown, 5XF refuses to acknowledge either of her caretakers’ competence and still thinks they’re both crazy.

Overcome with Desire: 5XF falls in love with Sphalerite within a day of meeting her. While she has enough of an understanding of relationships to be self-aware of how absurd it is for her to fall for someone this quickly and want to act on it, 5XF lacks the experience to do anything more than hold back on her urges… until she finds out that Sphalerite reciprocates her feelings. Within mere minutes, the pair instantly teleport to their vacation home (only doing so because both don’t feel like dealing with the consequences of doing this in sand), and a marathon of Coitus Ensues.

Power Incontinence: At first 5XF seems to adapt well to the mysterious power that is naturally attracted to her, as she makes good use of them eluding Steven and Peridot and incapacitating the pair in This is Who I Am Chapter 4. With Gypsum’s help, 5XF even manages to fragment the couple’s very identities and set up two deathmatches where they’re forced to fight each other’s dark counterpart – even keeping the two battles isolated in different dimensions to prevent the light combatants from helping each other – creating an elaborate and sadistic game where only one of them would ultimately survive. Once Light Peridot finds a loophole to make both matches end in a No Contest, 5XF finds she can’t do anything about it and has no way of reliably controlling her own powers. It’s worth noting 5XF never really knows or understands what these powers truly are; the last thing she manages to do is put Steven and Peridot back together (after being intimidated into it via 5XG/Dark Peridot). By that point, 5XF finds herself regretting ever becoming Gypsum’s power vessel, and said powers are completely dormant once she and Sphalerite leave Gypsum’s domain. They’re guaranteed to make a comeback when the Crystal Gems properly confront Gypsum, but everyone is aware 5XF is going to be a major liability in the power department, as she still has no concept of the nature of the power she wields.

Powers via Possession: 5XF’s powers are not her own; they are merely on loan from Gypsum, and she can’t use them to their full potential until she agrees to a binding contract with the corrupted gem. While she was able to utilize these powers for minor feats before the contract, that was largely due to her fragile emotional state being receptive to Gypsum’s influence.

Quest for Identity: Her new life on Earth revolves around this goal and is greatly emphasized in This is Who I Am.

The Quiet One: In contrast to Peridot, 5XF survived her hellish work environment on Homeworld by simply doing her work, minding her own business, and refusing to socialize with any other gems. While she remains much more reserved than Peridot after being relocated to Earth, this trait of 5XF’s becomes massively downplayed to the point where it’s barely in effect after the changes she experienced with her new life.

[modernwizard]

Clarissa by Samuel Richardson, modernized

No one really knows how long Samuel Richardson’s epistolary novel Clarissa, first published in 1748, is. The exhaustive story of a young rich white woman’s struggle for self-determination is, however, considered the longest novel in the English language. If you’d like to follow the story, I’ve modernized, condensed, and dramatized it for you in a single blog post below! You’re welcome.

Frighteningly enough, the whole thing could happen to today with very little adaptation....

CLARISSA: Please respect me and let me live my life on my own terms. I can go to the estate my granddad left me; my bff Anna will come over; we’ll hang. I can read, blog, post on message boards, E-mail, and worship God. Everything’ll be cool.

CLARISSA’S PARENTS: No can do. We want you to marry up in the world. It’ll make us look good. Here is Solmes, your fiance.

SOLMES: Um, you don’t mind if I, like, marry you, do you? Hem hem heh.

CLARISSA: Look, Mom and Dad — I really love you. I want to be a good daughter; I want to make you happy, but…I can’t do this. I refuse to marry Solmes. Please respect me and let me live my life on my own terms.

CLARISSA’S PARENTS: You ungrateful little shit! Do as we say because we are your parents.

CLARISSA: I’m really sorry, but I can’t do that.

CLARISSA’S BROTHER AND SISTER: Omg, you are a little shit! You made everyone in the family unhappy, and it’s all your fault!

LOVELACE: Hey bby ur hot. Dick pix y/y?

CLARISSA: Well, you’re a damn sight better than that Solmes individual, ngl, but you’re also a notorious PUA and general asshole. No thank you. Please respect me and let me live my life on my own terms.

LOVELACE: Awwww yis! She wants the D! I am going to corrupt the crap out of her and humiliate her to the utmost!

BELFORD: Srsly, bro — I know we’re PUAs, and completely ruining women’s lives is, like, our thing, but you’ve gone off the deep end a little bit. Maybe just pull back a tad. Blog a bit, but don’t post it; tweak your OKCupid profile. You know, chill.

LOVELACE: Netflix and chill, Neflix and chill, that Harlowe chick and I are going to Netflix and chill…

BELFORD: smdh

[CLARISSA’S PARENTS increase their PRESSURE on her to marry SOLMES. Meanwhile, LOVELACE plays on the GENDERED EXPECTATION that women should always be nice and generous and accommodating. By means of HARASSING GUILT TRIPS, he manipulates CLARISSA into writing to him, despite her better judgment. He then KIDNAPS her and KEEPS HER LOCKED UP.]

CLARISSA: Mom, Dad, anyone — a little help here? I’ve been abducted by a seriously unhinged person, and I’m afraid for my life.

CLARISSA’S PARENTS: Hah! Liar! You ran off with him just to spite us. You hate us, don’t you? You’re the sluttiest slut that ever slutted, so just sit there and rot in your own slutty sluttishness.

CLARISSA’S BROTHER AND SISTER: Yeah! Slut!

CLARISSA: Anna, I need some help from the outside world with my escape plans.

ANNA: You ran away with him 4srs yo?!

CLARISSA: He kidnapped me!

ANNA: Your best bet is to get married and do damage control.

CLARISSA: No way! He’s vile, and he hates me, and the feeling’s mutual. Besides, I have standards.

ANNA: Mmmm. Point. Let’s get you out of there.

[With ANNA’S help, CLARISSA tries to ESCAPE several times. LOVELACE always CATCHES her.]

LOVELACE: Marry me.

CLARISSA: No. Go away.

LOVELACE: You know you want to…

CLARISSA: Actually, I’m pretty clear on what I want, and it doesn’t involve either marriage or you. In fact, it involves you fucking off and leaving me alone.

LOVELACE: But that’s not what I want.

CLARISSA: I’m not interested in what you want.

LOVELACE: But I’m a rich straight cis white dude. Everyone’s interested in what I want!

BELFORD: She’s not. Just let it go.

LOVELACE: No! She threatened my rich straight white cis masculinity, and she must pay. I know — I’m going to rape my way to her heart!

BELFORD: What? No! Leave her alone!

LOVELACE: Roofies — that’s the ticket. Knock her out an’ knock her up. She’ll be pissed for a bit, but she’ll have to marry me if she wants to salvage any semblance of respectability. We’ll tie the knot, and I’ll be the bestest spouse ever, and she’ll forgive me, and we’ll live happily ever after.

BELFORD: That’s not how these things work. Why are we even friends?

[LOVELACE drugs CLARISSA and RAPES her, and it is the BEGINNING OF THE END. She ESCAPES twice, but he REKIDNAPS her, importuning her to marry him. HIS FAMILY and HER FRIEND ANNA join the MANIPULATION CAMPAIGN. She remains ADAMANT, but the CONSTANT BULLSHIT to which she has been subjected from ALL QUARTERS takes its toll.]

CLARISSA: Okay. Fine. Apparently I can repeat “Please respect me and let me live on my own terms” till I’m blue in the face, but all I’ll receive is emotional, physical, and sexual abuse from people who can’t handle my modest wishes for self-determination. You know what? I’ve had enough of this shit. If I can’t live on my own terms, I can at least die on my own terms and go to Heaven, which is much less stressful, to be with God, who, I’ve heard, is slightly nicer company.

[CLARISSA does not commit suicide, but she does DECLINE in strength and health. She WORKS HARD to MEND FENCES with her FAMILY and to FORGIVE Lovelace. Calm, lucid, and mentally exhausted, she dies ON HER OWN TERMS.]

EVERYONE: Whoops. We probably should’a’ respected her and let her live on her own terms.

CLARISSA [via posthumously scheduled BLOG POSTS]: Gee, ya think?! But, since I’m, you know, dead, you could always try treating each other with respect and kindness.

EVERYONE: Oh. Um. Yeah. maybe we should.

CLARISSA [via posthumously scheduled BLOG POSTS]: Confidential to Lovelace: You, sir, are a shithead, and I forgive you for it, since you’re obviously a very miserable shithead. Hopefully someday you’ll see what a miserable shithead you are.

LOVELACE: Waaaaaaaah, she said no to me and then died. How could she do that to me when I loved her so much?

BELFORD: I’m going to take a wild guess here and say it probably had something to do with you being such a miserable self-pitying shithead with your head so far up your own ass that you can see your small intestine!

LOVELACE: Waaaaaaaah waaaaaaah waaaaaaaah…

MORDEN: Hey you — whiny pants: you, me, outside, in the back, now. You’re going down for messing up my cousin Clarissa like that.

[They FIGHT. Morden receives MINOR WOUNDS. Lovelace is GRIEVOUSLY INJURED.]

LOVELACE: Wow. I am a miserable shithead. [Dies.]

THE END.

ME: Finally! He shut up!

READERS IN 1748: Awwww, they would have made such a cute couple!

ME: What part of “Please respect me and let me live my life on my own terms” do you not understand?!